#and his experiences as a child meant fear and anger were the main emotions he felt

[odetojupiter]

there’s something so heartbreaking about andrew going to the roof to remind himself how to feel. because the only feeling he can voluntarily access is fear, and that’s something he finds comfort in. you could argue the comfort stems from the reminder that is capable of feeling despite what people say - and despite his genuine apathy to most things - but what if the comfort comes from the familiarity of the feeling? it’s common for people with trauma to find comfort in anxiety-inducing environments (which is why a lot of people with ptsd enjoy horror - it creates an environment where panic can be digested and compartmentalised) - so what if he’s invoking fear in himself because he experienced so much of it in his childhood, but now it’s something he’s in control of, it’s something he dictates when and when he can feel it by choosing when or when not to go to the roof. which is something he never had as a kid - control. maybe that’s why he seems more outwardly affected by flying (though it could be that flying is WAY higher than the roof, with more chance for error) - it takes the control back out of the feeling.

and then, of course, neil goes missing. and he feels that fear deep down to his core. and the feeling washes over him so completely and suddenly and uncontrollably that for a moment he’s 12 years old again wondering if someone’s going to be going to his room at night. but no, it’s not him at risk this time, he’s feeling fear for someone else. someone out of his sight, someone he can’t get his hands on. it’s something he can’t control, again. considering that, it’s not really surprising he puts his hands on kevin when he realises kevin knows something: he’s so desperate for a way to control the situation, control his fear, that it comes out as anger against kevin.

[m0tel6mxzzy]

mixed thoughts on black female rage

i understand the want for “feminine rage” to be inclusive to black women and then i remember the only black actresses some ppl know are angela bassett taraj p henson and zendaya, but also a lot of those white “feminine rage” female characters were never meant to be liked or sympathized w in their awful actions. taraj p henson in hidden figures is supposed to be bc she’s dealing w racism in a segregated time.

dre from swarm is the only character i can think of where she’s allowed to be hurt and angry but that doesn’t justify her committing serial murder. she’s the only character to the extent of say (90s film) lisa rowe or whatever where mental illness does not excuse her incredibly harmful behavior and there isn’t some barrier where there is an attempt to excuse her actions to make her “palatable.”

ginny from ginny and georgia expresses her anger and upset at her upbringing stemming from hidden depression, but again this isn’t palatable enough for fans of georgia who thinks she’s a golden egg who can do no wrong, so once again we’re rather limited in what’s considered “female rage.” it has to be palatable and excusable and stemming from trauma—racial or otherwise, and cannot impose on well liked white female main characters who may equally make rash decisions based on emotion that harm others.

ginny can be angry because hell yeah we’re progressive and love female rage, but it can’t be at how georgia refuses to communicate as a parent and keeps secrets that impose on her ability to have a normal school experience. ginny should be also marcus’s therapist for his depression and be able to notice something he has hidden, but ppl have called ginny spoiled for opening up to her father abt her own when she was struggling because she “doesn’t appear grateful enough.”

rue was also not supposed to sympathized w for her abusive behavior toward gia and jules in 2x05, but to justify her anger at feeling betrayed from the intervention, many ppl will minimize gia and jules as characters and act like their concern for her and feeling of hurt and fear is unfounded which goes against their whole idea “women need to be free to feel negative emotions.”

but then that goes down to the idea that for black women to fully express negative emotions, the people hurt in the process of feeling ours fully in a less than docile manner (even if they’re also women in minority groups equally under-represented in “female rage”) don’t matter. that we have zero responsibility for our actions and thus no agency over them when angry.

that rue is not at all responsible for her actions and who it affects if it means she gets to express being upset. which makes zero sense to me. but also, if it’s not for a reason we feel we want to identify w (ex: ginny being depressed from her mother forcing her to constantly move) suddenly they’re ungrateful, being a brat, and spoiled. because ppl can’t identify as closely w/ gia or jules who’ve dealt w/ the fear and betrayal in having a loved ones exposed to addiction, this is the exact terminology used to minimize the emotional and physical harm rue causes them when she’s incredibly violent and/or cruel with them during her withdrawals.

it can be equally true “rue lied to her loved ones because she was sick and that doesn’t excuse insulting and screaming at them to deflect from her actions” and “rue felt isolated bc her entire life she’s been seen as this poster child for sobriety she feels she can’t fulfill and is too much pressure, and not one is listening to her, making her feel all the more forced to hide her issues except from ppl who are familiar w drugs and understand why she’d turn to them” such as fezco or elliot.

which is much more complex of a way to analyze rue as a character than “because rue has mental illness, she suddenly has zero agency over her actions and can harm people however she wants and it’s by no means an active choice she’s choosing to make.” or just saying ginny is ungrateful and georgia is a perfect parent who’s done nothing wrong in raising ginny ever.

[randomspn]

Just some ideas for the HBO!AU…

Let’s pretend we don’t have to worry about CGI or anything, lol. Also, sorry it’s so long, I’m gonna ramble a bit. 

All monsters are more, well, monstrous. Deformed, terrifying. They would be more like some type of Lovecraftian type of creature than a human form. And if they were passing as human it would appear more uncanny valley, something is off but you can’t say what for sure. Angels would be more like eldritch beings, insanely powerful. Humans are seen as ants for a reason. Like, almost God tier type shit from them. I’ve seen a lot of great ideas that the vessels would just fall apart in the grossest way and the way they behave is so wrong that it's plain terrifying and I completely agree. 

Demons are similar but lean more toward poltergeist type of area. There was someone who said that they would act like manic people, operating on all cylinders and their emotions being at 1000% at all times which I think is perfect. Their power wouldn’t be as infinite as Angels, but it would be strong enough to be the main threat before angels appeared.

I think angels are so much scarier because they were never human. Demons were people before they died, but angels were never people. They’re just walking around in a decaying body doing God’s work, they don’t even really see the point in trying to pretend to be human. I think that just by looking at them you could tell that there is a stark difference when you compare a human vessel to a live, angel-free person. 

Sam was very religious growing up. Dean told him that their mom said that angels were watching over them and he tried to believe it. His abilities appeared while he was young. Telekinesis was always there and it only got stronger as he grew. This alarmed him and he was terrified of becoming what they hunted even as a child. He just wanted to believe he was good, that he belonged, that he was loved so badly he kept the hope that it was the truth into adult life. If it was up there, maybe it could save him.

Later on in the series, the public is well aware of monsters. Technology is far too advanced, people have noticed them. People get scared, paranoid, and violent towards each other. It doesn’t make hunting any easier when people are all getting involved in one way or another. Either from fear, anger, or vengeance. Hunters are treated as criminals/heroes, but are considered murderers one way or another. Hunter’s risk being arrested every time they investigate a strange crime or murder, the police and FBI are well aware that they infiltrate the system with fake badges. They have to start finding new ways to solve the cases.

Castiel is unique in the way that he is one of the only angel’s who is “emotionally” attached to his vessel. Wasting grace on a host that is decaying is pointless and foolish in angel culture. He doesn’t feel guilty about Jimmy at first but he does recognize the impact Castiel had on his family. He does his best to keep Jimmy’s body in good condition rather than swapping out. He thinks it would be rude and wasteful. Humans are interesting to him. He likes them. Getting another host would just destroy another body, another life. It would be for a good cause, sure, but there is always the chance that the vessel couldn’t handle an angel and would explode instantly. Which would create more waste and more mixed feelings for him. 

Despite valuing his host, he damages it frequently. Humans, again, are incredibly fragile. Bones break, flesh peels, nails and teeth fall out. It’s all replaced but it’s not a pretty sight. He really only heals the vessel and repairs his clothes when Sam and Dean get too grossed out by it. 

While Castiel likes humans, is obsessed with them even, he doesn’t feel emotions like a human would nor has any of the same morals, views, or experiences as they would. Human’s lives are of meaning and importance to him and angels are meant to protect and serve them, but if one interferes with the brothers or his mission, smiting is happening. I kind of see it being more gory than spn has it. More guts and flecks of bone everywhere. Monsters and demons would be in for a much worse time. Castiel was a badass soldier and leader for a reason. 

When angels smite people, they can’t return to their bodies if resurrected since it's been completely destroyed on a molecular level.

The boys have on occasion, put coke or meth on toothpicks and sucked on them as a way to stay awake, alert, and energized. John taught them this. They don’t do it often, since they know it could lead to addiction which is expensive and they can’t afford having withdrawal on a hunt. This doesn’t keep them from drinking like fish, though. 

Sam did resort to snorting coke when he couldn’t get any demon blood. After he came back soulless, he dropped it all together since soulless people don’t get tired, don’t need to sleep. 

Sam still has his power’s. If a baby who only had a mouthful of demon could use their abilities as long as they did, he should still have been able to use them after chugging jugs of it before going to the cage. Unless being possessed by an angel cured the demon blood’s hold, I feel like it should still be something he would have. I also feel being a former angel’s host would leave lasting effects as well. Not sure what quite just yet.

Anyway, those are some of my personal ideas. There are all ready so many great ones out there, it’s really great to see. It reminds me of a comic book series I was making a long time ago. Gritty, modern fantasy. 

Love it.

[deafmatteo]

hi hi so first i really love your writing, it’s so comforting and lovely, and i look forward to every little bit of it!

and idk if you’ve already answered something like this but i was wondering about your thoughts on skam france season 5?

hello, thank u! 🖤🖤🖤

and i have talked a bit about skam france s5 when i was watching it live but im more than happy to talk about it again & put all of my thoughts into one post JFJSJD.

let me just put a disclaimer here for abuse, both personal & what was shown in the season. also adding a read more because this got LONG, i am so sorry. i talk a lot </3 (ignore the spelling errors, i literally woke up and saw this anon and jumped out of bed to answer dflkgjkdlg)

also! i talk about deafness as a disability in this but that’s my own personal experience & what was written into the season. we know arthur sees it as a disability because he was raised in a hearing society as a hearing person. not all D/deaf people believe this!! this isn’t universal.

first things first, i just wanted to let people know these feelings come from a very personal place. i lost my hearing similarly to arthur — i was beaten as a young child and as the years have gone on and i’ve grown, my hearing has gotten worse. i was hard of hearing with mild to moderate hearing loss in both ears and now i call myself deaf because i have severe hearing loss in my left ear & i am completely deaf in my right ear. (don’t worry about being apologetic or anything! i’m very open about how i lost my hearing because although it’s sad & traumatic, it’s talking about how trauma and disabilities are often more intertwined than people realize. you don’t ever see a disabled person thriving in their natural environment. you see traumatized disabled people learning how to survive.)

i don’t have problems with how arthur lost his hearing. i think it’s a very important story to tell & it’s one that does occur — even if people don’t recognize it. it added to the fear and isolation he felt during his season because he was suddenly extremely disconnected from his peers and the people he called his best friends.

i also absolutely ADORE noee and camille. having a Deaf* woman who was as sassy and blunt and straight-forward as she was is a good thing. people often talk about how D/deaf individuals can come across as rude or unattentive or too blunt and it can be true but when people often talk about it, they do it in a rude/offensive manner! noee did it in a manner that wasn’t stereotypical and felt real. she also had the distain towards hearing people because they continually traumatized & belittled her and they showed that in a way that you knew was justified. she had been hurt by these people and she knew what arthur was experiencing, hence why she was so warm around him. having a Deaf love interest who wasn’t a hearing-people pleaser or someone who needed approval from hearing people was so good because it helped add layers of her own identity that the audience may not even realize exists.

camille as well. having a hard of hearing gay (queer? i can’t remember what he labelled himself as) person on screen without fetishism or trauma porn was refreshing. that doesn’t happen and seeing it was?? amazing. he was able to have fun, be himself, etc. also him acting as a connector between noee and arthur is a reality as well. he exists inbetween both of their worlds and while it’s clear that he is comfortable and okay with it, it’s a reality that often stems into feelings of anger and hurt. (as shown in arthur!) it’s good to see a hard of hearing person who doesn’t feel ostracized from the Deaf community & or the hearing community. he’s just vibing!

the isolation that arthur felt. the lonelines, the pain, the fear—all of it is a reality of the situation he was in. even with his friends attempting to support him in the ways they knew how, he still felt alone. having noee and camille there was such a good!! good thing!!! to have. the way noee criticized his friends, the way ARTHUR eventually yelled at them (especially lucas, like wtf was up his ass), the growth of arthur from clinging onto his fantasy world and accepting himself. i geniunely enjoyed these aspects.

NOW ONTO MY CRITICISMS.

my biggest one is the abuse clip. it was absolutely unnecessary for them to include the audio (and the shadowing) of arthur’s violent abuse. i understand they needed to potray his dad’s behaviours but there were many other ways to go about it that doesn’t re-traumatize people. i rarely rarely get triggered by things due to desensitization & repression and this made me extremely nauseous and it caused me to spiral into memories of my own abuse. yes, i understand the story of arthur’s dad being the villain and contributing to the trauma. no, it did not need to be done in this way.

also the way it was brushed aside & arthur forgave him after the car accident. i know it’s contributing to the cycle of abuse and it will continue after the seasons have passed but i think it should have had more fear, confusion or anger. we could see that arthur hated his father, just by how he constantly attempted to fight back and argue. i understand that it was him acting from a place of survival and trying to mediate to make things calmer but this is his perspective—we could have felt the underlying emotions or seen a brief moment where arthur let his anger take over when he was alone. the abuse was written solely for hearing people. it was trauma porn. it was used as a way to make people feel sorry for arthur and to weaken him. it wasn’t written as integrated into the plot as it should have been and was brought up only to deter the plot away from his cheating. it was one of the things that made it clear the plot was more written for hearing people than for deaf people.

(again, it’s not the actual story i’m criticizing. it’s how they integrated it.)

the second was noee using her voice to essentially beg arthur to love her. using her voice was a moment of vulnerability and fear that they could have either: a. used in a different manner or b. not included at ALL. i am an oral deaf person—i was raised in a hearing environment & i went to speech thrapy for many, many years. i use my voice a lot. however, whenever i am without my hearing aid and i am tired, i don’t often use my voice because i am insecure about my deaf accent.

noee doesn’t use her voice at all. she has talked about how using only sign language gives her power and stregethnes her identity in a way that the hearing world would never be able to. it was a pivotal moment of her own identity and growth and they threw it out the window to tell arthur she loved him. he rejected her so she used her voice, something that reminds her of her trauma and pain, to beg him to love her back.

another is how alexia said that she wasn’t wired to love disabled people. i love alexia as well, except for this alone was enough to hurt my opinion of her. it’s a reality of abled people—they often act like loving a disabled person is more work and view disabled people as less than to avoid seeing them as potential lovers/friends/etc. my main problem is the fact it wasn’t ever properly addressed and they used it as a plot device after she had been nothing but loving and supportive to arthur during the beginning of his journey. she was so, so loving and caring and they could have used to as a way to talk about how relationships and perspective changes rather having her just be straight up ableist.

when arthur first got his hearing aids, he got smaller ones that were less visible to avoid having other people see. this is a big example of internalized ableism and is a very important point but they never touched on it again. i think it would have been more personal and monumental of his growth to have him go back & change the hearing aids he uses to better aid him in his day-to-day rather than aid his desire to be hearing-passing. i just wanted to see continuation of this.

the love triangle. ABSOLUTELY USELESS. i love both alexia and noee as love interests. they are well-developed women who both had vulnerable moments in the season where they talked about their insecurities and were vulnerable and still had arthur reject/use them both. this is more of a fandom criticism but the love triangle was used solely to demonize noee while they continued to put arthur on a pedestal. the season could have gone either/or with them as love interests or not at all. the season was meant to focus on his journey as a now disabled person and the love triangle took up a large portion of that.

(don’t think i’ve forgotten about people calling others fatphobic/biphobic for preferring noee as a love interest)

this isn’t entirely a criticism but a good point to note. i don’t think skam france had a plan in regards to season five when they casted arthur but he should have been played by a hard of hearing person and there should have been foreshadowing in the earlier seasons for this. i think arthur’s actor did a fantastic job with the content he was given but it would have been a bit more personal if played by a truly deaf/hoh person. noee’s actress talked about this! she said how good of an opportunity it was for season five to occur because it’s extremely rare for deaf people to get opportunities and casting designed for them. having a main actress talk about this and still having the main actor being abled is a bit? bad taste. i just think it’s a product of lack of planning, is all.

ALSO THE CAR CRASH????? this isn’t a big criticism, i’m just like HUH? me & arthur really out hear being deaf and getting hit by cars ig. arthur kinnie

*definitions that add as to why i use deaf & Deaf in this piece.*

[goneseriesanalysis]

Subversion of Tropes

Spoiler warning for Fear, Lies and Plague down below 

TW: mentions of s@xual @ssault and r@pe

In my recent post, Misogyny in Gone, I pointed out numerous instances in the series where misogynistic tropes are present, and how that affects the narrative of the story. The women often seem to be underdeveloped, sexualised and demonised for choices and characteristics that their male counterparts make and have with no consequence. Of course this is not true for every female character, and it is certainly not present all the time, but it still has a huge impact on the story. There is one scene in particular though, that seems to subvert these tropes and I wanted to talk about it as I think it is both a really important aspect of the story and introduces us to a fascinating power dynamic, that I really wish mg had developed further.

The interplay between sex and violence is a theme that is heavily prevalent in Plague and is present in both Lies and Fear. It shows up in many different forms throughout the series and presents itself in multiple ways such as: Caine and Diana’s relationship, Astrid and Orc’s Scene in Plague and Drake with pretty much every attractive woman he comes across. This is a theme that mg writes particularly well – Astrid and Orc’s scene in Plague (with a small cameo from Drake) is one of the best written examples of this trope I have ever read. However, for me personally, this scene is marginally outdone by another example of this trope that occurs in Fear – that being Caine’s cementing.

Not only does this scene have the cathartic tint of revenge to it, but it also subverts this trope in that it is the woman who is the perpetrator and the man (boy) who is the victim. When I first read Fear, nothing about this scene seemed even remotely sexual to me (because I was a child and unless it was outright stated I was never going to pick up on it.) But, when I re-read the scene a few days ago in preparation for my misogyny in gone post, I noticed how reminiscent Penny’s takedown of Caine is to the way women typically experience sexual violence (both in media and real life.)

So the scene starts out with Caine turning up to Penny’s house to discuss the situation with Cigar. Great. Fast forward a bit and we get to Penny outright telling Caine that she has a crush on him….and him outright rejecting her. Instead of accepting this, she pushes, telling him that she could be anyone in his imagination. He rejects her again. And she does not take that well. While she doesn’t show it on the outside, we as a reader get to see her internal monologue, where she has an extremely inappropriate reaction to his rejection. It is clear from this that she feels entitled to his affection, despite him never giving any indication that her feelings were reciprocated. Penny seems to believe that Caine has falsely led her on, but we as a reader know that he has rejected any and all advances that she has made and has not ever, in canon, used her crush to manipulate her. (Before I continue I want to make it clear that I am by no means saying that Caine is innocent. Penny has every right to be angry with him for a multitude of other reasons. But her reasoning here is misguided.) So the first question that this brings to mind is: Would Penny have continued with the cementing if Caine had welcomed her advances?? I think mg left this purposely ambiguous. But I like (and I use this word very loosely) the idea that she wouldn’t have. The trope of a woman having to cater to the desires of a man in order to avoid violence is one that is common in all types of media, and is one that we see throughout Gone as well. The best examples being Astrid with Sam and, of course, Diana with Caine. Both of these women are forced to conform to what Sam and Caine want them to be in order to be safe in the FAYZ, and so mg flipping the switch on this and having Caine’s inability to capitulate Penny’s desires being the final straw to his downfall (even if he was unaware of this fact) is an amazing touch.

This theme is then continued in the way that Penny takes Caine down…by drugging him and incapacitating him. Now, these are occurrences that are usually associated with date r@pe, which is something that is mostly experienced by women. Of course, this is not what actually happened in the book, but the association is there for a reason, I’m sure. Given Penny’s attraction to Caine, her take-down of him is inherently sexual in both its execution and come about. Her extreme reaction to his refusal is probably a result of her less-than-ideal childhood. We are told than Penny’s father used to take inappropriate pictures of her older, but still under-aged sister. When her sister became of age, Penny assumed that her father would move on to her, but instead he skipped her and began taking photos of her younger sister. Mg doesn’t really go into much detail on how this must have affected Penny’s psyche – only that she was so jealous that she took her father’s laptop into the school and showed the other students, resulting in his arrest. It is heavily implied that Penny’s parents were not affectionate – they neglected their children (at least emotionally) and so Penny sought out attention and affection, as any child would. Seeing how much time her father spent with her older sister, and seeing why – it isn’t hard to believe that Penny would equate sexualisation to affection, and even love. (lemme just have a cry real quick.) This makes sense when you take into account her reaction to Caine’s refusal (which was actually pretty mild) and even when you look at earlier events – such as him helping to bathe her. I can’t speak for everyone, but if someone broke MY legs and then came in to help bathe me, I would not be happy, and yet Penny seems to almost enjoy it. We then learn that Penny and her sisters were sent to live with their aunt after their mother became too depressed to care for them. And, once again, Penny found that her sisters were getting all the attention. So she reacted with violence – by putting bleach in her older sister’s cereal. She later found out that her father had committed suicide in prison, after being beaten by other inmates. And so Penny’s formative years have been tinted with sex and violence – two things that no child should be exposed to (although that’s kind of the whole premise of the series.) When you look at her past it becomes clear that her take-down of Caine was an attempt to gain control over one of the many people who have denied her affection in favour of giving it to someone else. As she associates sex with affection, and responds to a lack of affection with violence, it makes sense that she would attack him in a way that is associated with sexual violence.

My final point is in relation to the actions that she takes while Caine is unconscious. She does three things that really give us an insight into her mentality regarding the cementing:

-          She cements him

-          She makes a tin foil crown for him

-          She cuts off his shirt

These actions again are reminiscent, at least subtextually, of the act of r@pe - a sexual crime done with the intent to both incapacitate and embarrass the victim – in essence, a power-play. And this is exactly what Penny does. She begins by entrapping him in the cement, taking his power from him. We know that Penny was not scared of Caine’s power, this was not an act of paranoia as the cementing of the Coates kids was. But rather, she knew how much his power meant to him, how much he relied on it – and she wanted to make him feel just as powerless as he had made her feel. This is further reinforced by her making the tin foil crown. Of course, she partly did this to cause him more pain (she literally stapled it to his head), but the main reason was to embarrass him. To turn his own narcissism against him. And then, to top it all off, she cuts of his shirt – which is just straight up sexual assault. This is the moment in the scene where the interplay between sex and violence really comes out. As she sees it, sexualisation is a form of affection. But as her whole life she has been denied any form of affection she has twisted this in her mind to where she sees violence as a viable outlet of emotions – or rather a replacement for affection. I think Caine’s cementing showed the breaking point for Penny – there are so many things she wants to communicate (her anger at Caine for all the horrible things he has done to her, her affection towards him, her desire for power and respect) and she just doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to do it, due to years of witnessing sexual assault and experiencing neglect. So instead everything gets distilled down into this twisted act of violence where she both expresses all of these things and gets none of them.

I really love this scene as I think it is a great example of mg’s writing ability. I know her attack of Caine was not only due unrequited affections, but I think this side of it is really excellently written, and makes me wish that we has seen more of Penny. I think it would have been a very interesting plot twist and a great use of character if Penny had managed to discard of Drake in Fear and take over his role in the story. Anyway this was only meant to be a short post and I really rambled on (as if anyone is surprised by now). Thank you for reading and please feel free to comment on/ criticise this!! :)

[snowdice]

Gaps in His Files (Part 9) [Relabeled; Refiled Series]

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Relationships: Logan/Patton

Characters:

Main: Logan, Patton

Appear: Remy, Virgil (but only in the epilogue)

Summary:

Logan Berry has learned many things the last 10 years: a lot of math and physics, a bit of humility, and how to be a hero being just a few. Through his education, his experience teaching, and his exploits as the superhero Bluebird, he’s changed in a lot of small and large ways. He has recorded these changes in well-organized documents and files. He’s even had to create two new file designations: a red one for files about his moonlighting at Bluebird, and a light blue one dedicated to his boyfriend, Patton.

When Bluebird is targeted by a memory device and all of those 10 years of progress suddenly disappear, Patton Sanders and Logan’s extensive files are left as his only resource to get those memories back. But what is Patton supposed to do when there are clear gaps in his files? And what does he do when he is one of them?

This is set 25 years before Sometimes Labels Fail though it’s story is completely independent of it and it is not necessary to read that one first.

Notes: Superhero AU, memory loss, past child abuse, past child neglect, unhealthy ideas about ones place in relationships, emotional suppression, self-deprecating thoughts, medical procedures mentioned, very brief unhealthy views of sex

In which Logan was being a petulant little shit and so I slapped him in the face.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8

Logan’s future-self had made this ridiculously easy. He and Patton had fallen asleep on the floor of the office and woken up at about 6am. Logan had complained of boredom over breakfast and asked if they could take a break from the files and go to the library to get him a book to read whenever they were not trying to jog his memory. Patton had, predictably, told him that he wasn’t comfortable taking Logan out especially to the library since he frequented the location and people who know him might try to talk to him. Instead, he suggested Logan stay at the apartment and he would go alone to get a book for him himself. The man was surprisingly easy to manipulate for someone his future-self deemed a worthy romantic partner.

Said future-self had written his weekly schedule out in the front of his planner along with the buildings and classroom numbers each event took place in. So, he knew where he needed to be and when. He also had written the sections he was supposed to cover in the calculus textbook that day in the daily part of the planner. Logan could not find said textbook in his apartment, so he imagined it was in his on-campus office. Luckily, his future-self had the foresight to write his office number on the inside front cover of the planner in case it was lost and needed to be returned.

Now he just had to find these places. Getting to the campus was easy. When he exited the apartment building, he could see large buildings that were likely dorms only a few blocks away and, upon walking in that direction, easily found himself on a college campus. Then, it was simply the task of finding a map of the campus to locate the buildings he needed and going through the needlessly complicated process of figuring out his office building’s strange numbering system. Honestly why were rooms 7-9 and 13-15 in a separate hallway than all of the other numbers? It took him under half an hour all together to find the little room in the basement with a door who’s lock perfectly fit one of the keys on his keychain.

Perfect. Now, he just had to find the textbook in his desk, glance through the sections the planner had indicated, and make it to the classroom in less than 25 minutes.

He was honestly quite pleased with his own cleverness when he opened the door to the office.

…

Patton was there.

He was sitting on one of the three desks in the room, arms folded over his chest. They stared at each other for a long moment.

“Hey Logan,” a woman seated at a different desk said looking between the two of them. “Everything okay?”

“Oh, everything’s fine Lia,” Patton said cheerfully, but there was a bite to his smile. “Logan is just being stubborn even though he’s in no state to teach today.”

“I’m perfectly fine,” Logan said, teeth clenched.

“Is this another Logan gets pneumonia incident?” Lia asked.

“Yep,” Patton replied without hesitation.

Logan frowned at him. “I am fine.”

“You are not,” Patton hissed.

“I have no physical ailments,” he insisted. Lia and Patton exchanged a look Logan did not understand, but which still made him bristle.

“Look Logan,” she said. “I owe you a couple for last semester; I can teach your classes for you today and next week too if need be. Like, we really don’t want a repeat of fourth year, do we?”

He had no idea what she was talking about. “That won’t ha…”

“Thank you, Lia!” Patton interrupted. “I’m going to go and take him home. We’ll have to get together once Logan’s all sorted out.” He hopped off the desk and grabbed Logan’s arm in a firm grip before yanking him out of the room. He was clearly irate, but Logan was too; he ground his teeth together.

“How did you even get here before me?” Logan grumbled.

“Because I know where your office is,” he spat back. “Unlike you who knows nothing about anything.”

Logan gave an irritated huff.

“Don’t,” Patton warned. “Listen to me. You cannot teach this class. I would do a better job at teaching that class than you right now and I don’t even have a bachelor’s degree in mathematics. Lia is a great teacher with as much experience as you’re supposed to have. She will handle it. You need to focus on trying to get better. Not on ruining your own life for whenever things get back to normal.”

This felt infuriatingly like a scolding. “I don’t appreciate being coddled,” Logan said coldly.

Patton took a breath. “I will endeavor to stop doing so as soon as you’re mentally in your 20s again.”

“We don’t even know if I even can get my memories back.”

“Maybe you will or maybe you won’t, but I am not letting you risk what you spent the last 10 years building because you have a pathological need to not take a day off.”

“Maybe I don’t want what I built,” he said stubbornly. Patton went stiff and Logan realized his error. He honestly hadn’t meant it in that way, not even in anger, but he didn’t know how to explain that when he saw Patton’s face smooth out.

“The parking lot is this way,” Patton told him, turning from him. Logan opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

They didn’t speak again until they were inside Patton’s car. “Here,” Patton said, shoving a book at him.

“What’s this?” he asked, snapping out of the mix of panic and anger still pounding in his ears.

“You said you wanted a book,” he replied and clearly nothing had snapped him out of his own anger yet. “You like that one and you said you always wanted to forget it and read it again, so I guess you get your wish.”

Logan stared at it as Patton started the car. He’d known Logan was lying when he’d asked for the book, but he’d still gone to the library and gotten him one anyway. What type of person would do that? What kind of person would still go through the effort to get Logan a book he liked even though his anger was clearly boiling under his skin?

No one was like that. At least, no one Logan had ever met was like that. Not even his parents, no matter how kind they were, would ever do something like that, for fear that it would be like rewarding bad behavior. This didn’t feel like it was a reward for bad behavior though. In fact, Logan felt bad even though he still thought he was in the right. It was an odd sensation.

He looked down at the library book. It was a symbol of something Logan couldn’t quite put his finger on. A lesson he had a feeling he’d probably learned already.

Affection coexisting with ire.

His parents had always been good people and loved him, but he’d spent most of his life living up to expectations. Teachers liked him because he was smart and rarely misbehaved. His peers tolerated him because he was able to help them with their schoolwork. His parents loved him for loves sake, but he was pretty sure they liked him because he obeyed their rules and he was good at things.

So, who was this man who got him a book he liked and gave it to him even when they stood opposed to each other? Even when Logan had lied to him and tried to manipulate him? Even when anger hung in the air between them in this car? Who was this man? Why did his kindness and affection not require Logan’s compliance?

He had the sudden though that while he didn’t know if he’d ever remember anything else about this life he’d found himself in, he could probably remember how to love this man.

Want to read more? Click below!

Part 10

[moonlightflower21]

Gone

A/N: 100% inspired by a TV show, bonus points if you guess which one.

angst, this time with leo 💙

there is slight mention of death involved, just a warning. 

and also, not sure if this is good. kinda wrote it on a whim so excuse any errors. i’ll fix them later. enjoy for now :)

The night air was silent, Leo held his baby in one hand gently rocking him to sleep. It had been a painful month without you. Learning of your disappearance, your passing had left such a big hole in his heart. He couldn't help but feel bitterness at the whole situation. You had left them in New York while you travelled abroad for emergencies. He begged you to tell him but you remained silent, compromising to tell the whole truth for when you returned.

But you never did, the tragic news reached them and it had all changed. For the better or for the worse, he didn't know. The wind felt cooling on his cheeks, taking a solid breath out watching the leaves twirl in the gentle breeze. It felt nice to be out, after being confined in the lair. His sapphire eyes gazed down upon the small bundle wrapped up tight in his arms and Leo felt a stab in his heart. Everyday when he would awake, he could see you in his son. When he would fall asleep, your face would be there behind his closed eyes. He couldn't seem to catch a break anywhere. And there was only so much he could take in before he broke down. As the leader, he refused to show his family what he was going through. He stopped attending patrols, going every other week. And when he would go, intense fighting and while the rest of his brothers would leave after a long night he would continue to patrol the city. Hoping he could catch you somewhere even though deep down he knew he never would be able to. Fate was a cruel game.

Leo was snapped out of trance, hearing a thump on the ground behind him. Protectively, he grabbed a katana from the case and held it forwards while the other hand curled protectively over his baby. But his stance relaxed when the shadow looked very familiar, one of his brothers. The light shone on the red mask and Leo placed away his blade, adjusting the blanket on his son before settling his irises on the red brute. "What brings you here?" He spoke softly, and Raph held an envelope coming closer.

"It's Y/N's, the envelope you've been waitin' for..." when Raph had said that, Leo felt his blood psychically turn to ice in his body. The letter that never came.

With a shaky hand, Leo raised an eyebrow and gently took ahold of the letter wrapped in white envelope and a stamp. "I figure ya want some space, let me take 'im instead" Raph spoke softly in front of his brother, eyes upon the small baby boy. Leo looked up and slowly nodded, looking at his child. His peaceful face brought some calm to the storm in Leo's head. Not a word was said, gingerly placing his son in the arms of the red brute.

Raphael looked at Leo, heart wavering in the slightest. Never before had he seen his brother so... fragile. So close to teetering off the edge had it not been for his responsibilities keeping him grounded. Learning off your passing had been so difficult to comprehend, especially since they weren't even in the same country as you. But it had been the most heart wrenching for Leo, Raph could see the internal battle he went through everyday. He only wished Leo would let him in, but he knew what it felt like not being able to express your emotions. Hell, he was the president of the club.

"Ya know where I am if ya need me" Raph whispered, his hands cradling his nephew close to his chest. Cerulean irises glazed over his own amber ones, the blank expression on the eldest turtle formed into a knowing look. No words needed to be said, he understood. I know, thank you brother.

Turning around, Raph spared one last glance at his leader. Leo smiled back, watching his brother and his son go back home. Safe and sound. Leo looked down, the letter felt so heavy in his hand. His heart felt like it was being constricted no matter how many gulps of air he took in his system. He found a deserted park, sitting gingerly on one of the swings. A part of him didn't want to envelope, fearing what would be in its contents. But if he didn't open it now, he never would.

Dearest Leonardo, he read first. It was definitely your letter and his heart stung recognising your handwriting.

Since I have been abroad, I have missed both you and our baby so much. As much as it pains me, there have been certain events which have compelled me to extend the travel. There are some things that you may not know of me quite yet, you'll uncover all the secrets soon. I promise. I hated how I had to leave without a word to you or to our son. God, sometimes it feels as though the world is an unfriendly and sinister place. But you taught me to believe that there is more good in it than bad. All I had to do was look hard enough. And I'm glad I did, it landed me to you. I hope to have you and our baby in my arms soon, my darling; but in case this letter arrives before my return, know that I love you. I love you both beyond words could ever describe. It fills me with pride and happiness to know that, no matter what happens in this life, you will take care of your family with kindness, and bravery and selflessness as you always have. And remember one thing my love, and never forget it: that no matter where we are, know that as long as you have our son and your brothers, you have your family and you are home.

Forever yours, Y/N.

His hands were shaking, nearing to the letter. He bit his lip harshly to prevent anything falling down his cheeks but they fell at their own accord. The roar of thunder was heard faintly in the distant, and Leo could feel the droplets of rain beginning to pitter down on his body; knowing it was important to find some shelter but he couldn't bring himself to move.

A sense of yearning desire swirled deep within his stomach to have you back in his arms, to be a whole family once more. He looked up, noticing how the moon looked full as ever sitting in the sky even with a the raindrops falling around him. It shone a beautiful moonlight glow on the ground in front of his feet. Tears rapidly spilled from his ocean blues, the letter provided him with a comfort deep within his soul. Touching his heart in such a way, oddly as though you sat right beside him. His eyes drifted to the moon once more, the corners of his lips tilting upwards.

It was such a crazy wild thing. You taught him that while love can be an amazing thing to experience and a beautiful thing to have it can also have him up at some ungodly hour of the night, sobbing over how much more pain he could mentally take in. He always thought people were so dramatic with heartbreaks, but he hadn't ever expected to be on the receiving line for one. All the anger, sadness, frustration, hurt, stress came in floods. Sometimes they'd spare his mind and heart, but often times they would linger for hours and hours. In his case, it was different. Because you were gone and you were never coming back. He had to mourn over your absence whilst looking over his child to make sure he was okay. And yet, he couldn't ever blame you. Because you never wished for this. His mind haunted him with the what if's and the if only's. Because he failed the very thing he swore he would always do; protect you.

"I-I love you too, Y/N. Always" he whispered out loud, eyes glued to the sky hoping that wherever you were you could hear him. The rain was becoming heavier, drenching him to his very core and he knew he would wake up with the worst flu tomorrow but he couldn't bring himself to move. Sitting here, in the deserted park, felt like he almost could reach you. The wall protecting him from the torture of his own emotions had shattered deep within him and he was unable to relieve himself of the terrible heartache. If only he could embrace you once more, tell you how much you meant to him, kiss you.... He would never be able to do that anymore.

Sometimes alternative paths lead to different destinations, he wondered how life would be if you hadn't travelled abroad. If only you had stayed with him in New York, raising your family together. Whatever the matter, you had left so urgently. He didn't know what the secret he would have to uncover would be, and he didn't know if he was strong enough to do it. But your words... your letter had provided him with motivation to continue. He shivered slightly with the wind breezing through his body, dancing with the ends of his mask. It felt like you were near, unable to reach out but close by. He hoped you were. For the first time in a long time, he could smile and breathe. The dull pain in his chest would never fully go away but that was okay, baby steps at a time.

His eyes closed, feeling the rain trickle down his body while the wind blew against his skin. He made peace with the fact that you were gone. You left so much behind. To uncover, to find out. But he would unveil those in due time, for now his child was the main priority. He smiled to the sky, hoping that you could see. Hoping that wherever your soul was, you were happy and content. And thanking you for the much needed letter in this time of darkness.

[whumpster-fire]

More on Redemption Arcs

So, there’s something else I want to say about Enemies to Lovers / Enemies to Friends / in general redemption arcs, and in particular those where a character who’s previously been hurt by a villain or their associates is now in a caretaking role for that villain.

Obligatory no one is obligated to forgive someone who’s caused them trauma, or go through the emotional labor of supporting them, or ever interact with them again. But, IMO, it works better if you approach it from the perspective of: “Okay, so why would the traumatized character want to interact with the source of that trauma?” Think about something positive they’re getting from this relationship, from the character’s perspective, and/or think about it in terms of what would establish a bond between them that would cause character A to not want to say: “Okay I don’t care if they’re reformed / reformable, they’re someone else’s problem.”

And obviously there’s better and worse, or at least healthier and less healthy reasons for this. One good one is to have circumstances / the plot force them to grit their teeth and work together, causing bonding through alliance (I dunno the actual term), and at some point during or after this they go “Oh shit we’re actually friends now” (CoughZukoCough). Another of my favorites is to have characters bonding through a shared trauma. This could be a “we’re all in the same boat” situation like I mentioned above but instead of succeeding together they suffer together, or it could be through similar circumstances but not actually the same event, or it could be they’re both abused and traumatized by the same Even Worse Villain and the subordinate villain ends up standing up to their abuser and helping the hero. (E.g. @wildfaewhump’s Iesin and Talvos storyline here on Tumblr, go check it out).

Here’s a couple of case studies of this with redemption arcs I’ve written avoided writing like 90% of the actual recovery phase of, which I’m putting below a Keep Reading both because we’re several paragraphs in now and because one of them spoils the canon material, and also yeah I’m being obnoxious writing long-winded essays about my own fics even if it is my blog. Fics are linked to Ao3, check the tags and summaries on there for trigger warnings and read at your own risk.

Case One: Resurrection x And x Reconciliation

This is in the Hunter X Hunter fandom, and it’s a Gon & Neferpitou friendship, which if you’re familiar with the canon material sounds like the worst fucking idea ever for an enemies to friends arc. Long story short Pitou killed (and also reanimated as a corpse puppet) someone close to Gon, and the trauma of this utterly broke him, to the point of being so obsessed with revenge that he pushed away and hurt his closest friend, took an innocent person hostage for leverage, and basically snapped and went to utterly insane lengths to kill Pitou that it would have caused him a slow, horribly painful death if it weren’t for circumstances.

Okay, but long story short, the person whose death set this all off later turned out to have somehow reincarnated himself into another body, and Gon already processes stuff in really weird ways, so he was now left struggling to process the delayed realization of all the fuckups and reckless and harmful things he’d done, and the trauma of the actual “fight” against Pitou, and meanwhile Pitou got the fun experience of experiencing grief and loss and a near-death (technically actual death) experience for the first time and starting to process that she’d caused that kind of trauma for hundreds of thousands of fully sentient people. And also it turned out that they both sacrificed their lives to kill each other and accomplished absolutely nothing in the process, because the person Gon was trying to avenge turned out to be still alive, and the person Pitou was trying to protected turned out to already be fatally injured.

So this is kind of the exception that proves the rule because Gon and Pitou’s friendship is absolutely 100% born of shared trauma, it’s just that a major part of said trauma was mutually inflicted on each other, and supporting each other kind of helps them heal. This isn’t necessarily actually psychologically healthy or a good idea, but it’s pretty well established in canon that the only thing worse than every single adult in the setting’s track record at supporting people during mental health crises is their track record at stopping Gon from doing whatever the fuck he decides to do, and no one wants to deal with Pitou either.

Case Two: La Resistance / Fresh Ink

This is in, uhh, the Warner Bros Cartoon Universe fandom / Who Framed Roger Rabbit fandom, but by nature the canon material doesn’t have much of a plot for the former and the later is really just the setting. Lemme try and summarize this: in the final battle against the terrorist group that was creating Toons (living cartoon characters with reality warping powers) as living weapons in an attempted genocide against other Toons, the only two surviving toons on the villain’s side, Wendy Weasel and Riley Raccoon, were semi-adopted by some of the protagonists: Yakko, Wakko, and Dot Warner, and Slappy Squirrel. At first mostly Wendy because in the immediate aftermath of the battle Riley was in the ICU.

Okay, why did they spend their time dealing with her? This one’s different because Wendy herself didn’t really cause that much in the way of direct trauma to the characters who ended up supporting her - the ones she really hurt didn’t have much to do with her - however she’s just a fucking chore to try to get along with because she’s passive-aggressive, aggressive-aggressive, destructive-aggressive, and her main defense mechanism is to intensify these traits even further so she was just a hostile brat most of the time.

Well, this starts as a “Forced together by external circumstances” plot, of a sort: Wendy ended up as a prisoner after the battle - she defected, but never actually surrendered because she knocked herself unconscious while killing the main villain. The FBI did not want to have to deal with a prisoner who could teleport through walls, pull weapons and tools out of thin air, Jedi Mind Trick guards, etc. etc. etc, and the Warner Siblings just happened to be in a possession of a tailor-made prison designed to hold creatures like her (originally meant to contain them, they broke out but refused to move out) and were among the like 5-10 people on the planet who could actually fight her, so the Feds basically went: “Your problem now,” or just as accurately, the Warners and Slappy were not letting what was obviously an indoctrinated child soldier who defected and helped them get deemed “Too dangerous to let live since we can’t keep her contained long enough to have a trial” as a matter of principle.

But reason B, especially as they interacted with Wendy, is that the Warners and to a lesser extent Slappy knew what it was like to be drawn into existence and surrounded by people who hated them, feared them, or at least didn’t respect them. Again there was an attempt to seal the Warners permanently in an inescapable prison, and this was before a method of actually killing Toons was invented so they’re pretty sure the humans would have preferred to straight-up murder them for being too powerful and out of control... which was also the exact same ideology held by Wendy’s creators. And they also really empathized with the strong “sibling” bond she had with Riley (not actually supposed to be siblings but drawn by the same animator so sort of siblings and they just kinda decided they were) because it reminded them of themselves as well. This is self-explanatory with the Warners, with Slappy, in the fic she and Screwy Squirrel were siblings, and “Gee wouldn’t it be terrifying if a character as chaotic and sadistic as Screwy Squirrel was a villain was literally the starting point for Wendy’s character concept.

Also reason C is “Obnoxious child using passive-aggressiveness to mask trauma, anger, and need for love and attention” fit right in in the WB Studio Water Tower.

Anyway tl;dr that’s another example of a potential motive behind the caretakers in a redemption arc: if the characters sort of identify with the villain due to similar backgrounds to the point where they sort of go: “That could’ve been me in different circumstances.”

[definedbywhatilove]

seven months

hey taylor! this is a little story of my journey since the last time that i let you in to my inner world... its been seven months...(feels like 20 lifetimes of growth) and two months since I moved to California and one week since I left my grandest, most divine partner in L.A to continue my journey of self discovery, self awareness, self love, and self soverignty... and i wanted to mention something important to you -- a sign, an invisable string if you will. since i was a kid, your music always followed me and described my life experiences. as i began a deep journey of self understanding, i went away from the reality that i knew (much alike your time to yourself, away from the media) last oct/november. and i let myself fall deeply, and madly in love. you know the love i'm talking about. the red love. the deeply open and vulnerable heart love, despite all past burns to the heart. the one you write poetry and songs about. i know you feel deeply self worth inside. i know that you relyed on guys to help fill that void. same as me. same as so many beautiful woman out there. giving our hearts away.. loving so damn red. but loving so: fearlessly. bravely. courageously. vulnerably. openly. you can't regret a thing, can you? and the months piled up. nine months december 27 he came to Christmass dinner ten months january 27 this is... love eleven months febuary 27 this is home 1 year march 27 this is the 1 three days after, my life came crashing down. i wake up to coughing. masks. fear. my house turned into a graveyard a grounds of fear, pain, suffering sickness. not me. her. my dads partner. someone who i thought, in my own ego, i despised. in that moment, i knew i loved. two hours. it was less than two hours that i packed two suitcases, and a heavy backpack full of everything that mattered to me. i had practised this before. countless nights isoltated in my room, pretending to pack to run away. really considering running away. but never running. it was a blur. i don't remember much. a message to stay, but the knowingness that it was my time to leave. one last goodbye. no hug. a promise. with my father. knowing he would get sick. knowing that my father, my Rock, my stable Father could very evidently get sick and die. was this a goodbye forever? i didn't know but i left. i had to leave. by some greater plan from God, or whoever is orchestrating this magical universe, my partner moved to my city by chance through the winter and I went to him. i moved in; my heart afraid of moving in with somebody that i love because love had only ever hurt me. i moved in with my partner and allowed my dad the space to go through his own conscious awakening. thirteen months WILL HE DIE? i prayed everyday. i surrendered. i released the outcome. i surrendered to my partner and the relationship and accepted a deeper love than i have ever experienced during this time. i started my business. really, started my business. i started it in december but I didn't really know if I would ever get to see my dad again. through the fall and winter he provided for me whilst i recovered from being sick [reoccuring during fall/winter, peak in sept. same thing i felt during my journey in 2018]. how will i live as an adult on my own? provide for myself? what if he dies? i make my first 2k month. i surrender to love. i meet nature. fourteen months i called him for the first time. my dad. it was so painful to hear him speak. he was still sick. i began to slowly give grounded, healing advice. affirmations. colors. introduced the law of attraction. helping him know that his physical body was sick because his mind was sick of negativity. i move into my first apartment with my partner. its beautiful. he pays the rent. i get the entire room, he takes the living room. i was provided for. i continued my business. i held strong visions of travelling with my partner before the lease was up in august. it was my lifelong dream. i prayed for my dad and his partner. sitting in nights of fear and pain. letting go. trusting. rebuilding. health. NATURE. LOVE. date nights. park visits. lake visits. fifteen i saw my dad and his partner! in person! june 6, the first time since march 30. i went with my partner. i was nervous. i also get to see my cat ~~ who has always had siezures, that got even worse when they were sick... who i also had to let go of, not knowing if would survive.. but did! i gave him healing crystals. healing tips. love. hope. he opened. my dad whos heart was closed cracked open. i had never seen this mans heart open since i was a little child before my mom broke his heart. he left his job, you know. when i was a kid i was neglected for that job. one that i had to go to school too many times when i didn't feel because of. one that kept him gone late nights once a week. one that drained him. but the job that supported me physically and financially through my entire life. the job that helped give me a good life ~ his time and energy he gave into this job to provide for his daughter. he realized what it was doing to him. he realized, taylor. he realized. he got a new job. two hours away, a small county on the lake. a chance to start over. leave the karmic city he lived in. he also began to feel his emotions from what happened with the trauma of my mother. this was a miracle. a miracle. a miracle. and so, he would move away... starting his new job during the sixteenth month of this journey, july 13 i know at this point i will be travelling soon and leaving anyways, but could not leave my dad... and so the universe had him leave to set me free. i spent the rest of the month knowing he would move away, and likely i would too. but where? i saw him many times. gave him reiki too. we all went to the cottage together, him, his partner, me, and mine. summer solstice. peace. love. sixteen months i released all of my limitations. i chose love, abundance, freedom, health, bliss. i released my dad, my cat, my childhood home... [never grow up describes this situation]... a 21st birthday, really, a goodbye to my family... i booked a plane ticket. a month and a week to California. knowing, that it would be longer than that one month and a week. myself and my partner. one carry on and personal item. my self soverignty. my dreams. my abundance [first five figure month!!!] i left taylor. i left behind the city i always lived in to follow my dreams and passion. i'm living in my dream location. mountains. forests. lakes. a sacred site in Nor Cal. a childhood dream, if you will. a new life begins the night before i leave i see that you had an album out. folklore. i didn't know, because i had been going through so much stuff within my life that anything that happened online was not present in my life. i listened to caridgan for a few seconds. didn't feel right. i let you go...[knowing, like always, your music will come to me at the exact right time] i got on the plane. three layovers. an overnight train. i begin my new life on the mountain. begin again. seventeen months i am not the same. i have grown. i have healed. my time in the mountain has been the most groundbreaking, expansive, philisophical, healing time of my entire life. feeling like one month was twenty lifetimes of healing and growth. healing all of my childhood wounds, fears, pains. being of service in my business, providing healing for over 55 people. but... it was here where it started to break apart. that one last thing. i let go of the home. the cat. the family. the stuff. there was 1 more thing to let go of... eighteen months kyle, was his name you know. and of course, when we are hurt we go into the victim mindset right away. it is instinct. predetor and prey. it is conditioned into us. this time, after completing a cycle of 3 relationships of emotional manipulation, disrespect, not being loved the way i loved... i took full ownership for it. for manipulating MYSELF. for disrespecting MYSELF. for not loving MYSELF the way I love another. thats when the relationship healing and karma happens. when you take complete ownership for your own mistreatment knowing that this person was simply a mirror of the own hate, anger, and fear you have about yourself. it happened on september 2nd, under the full moon. it started, anyways. i was called to l.a out of Nor Cal. With him. and we Went. This is where the fun part starts, the intention behind this entire story but we're only getting to it right now because of course, I am a writer. The main message has to be supported by a story, right? on september 6th, we had a midnight train. i wanted to listen to music to help me release leaving the city i was living in in Nor Cal, cuz I had grown fairly attached to it. cardigan came into my life. [which i realize as i am writing this and listening to it, the version i have always listened to is the cabin one,... which I am just seeing you realeased on my birthday!!!! july 30th. how interesting] it fell into place this night. and i was meant to hear it now; your music has always been like a spirit guide to me. always a message when i need it. we had a midnight train. my partner got a nosebleed on the way...[stepping on the last train, marked me like a blood stain...] i knew in my heart we would be breaking up... the day before the flight to l.a, the day before the fires, i knew we would be breaking up in l.a. the night that invisable strings was introduced into my life, via my dear soul friend Emma. i knew that this song spoke of my memories and experiences with l.a. l.a was always a place for me to find self empowerment, bravery, and self worth. being the place that i endured my first break up in, l.a taught me self love. i knew that an invisable string was bringing me back to l.a, and really... back to [myself]. despite knowing what was to happen, i held myself through the flight to l.a. it's not like we officially broke up that day, but i knew going on this flight that since i was facing my biggest fears in real life that i would be about to experience my fear of being alone. i flew the day that san fransisco was orange. tiny little 13 row plane. deep fear of planes. in a moment of deep intuition and love, i opened my heart to hold space for the people on the plane that were also terrified of the fires and landing somewhere that was orange. holding people, holding space, through what could be seen on an Earthly scale as a trauma. moving past my own fears and negative thoughts and holding the emotions of love and safety. it was a big moment for me. i listened to invisable strings dyuring the plane ride. and two days later was when my fire happened. september 11 is when we officially broke up.. when i chose to stand up for myself, for my own love + respect, when i knew that i had to leave a toxic and co-dependent relationship... you know, i thought a tsunami was going to happen that day or something and i was going to die. i literally thought this was what was going to happen; but the death that happened was not physical, but the death of a relationship. we were in l.a until the 18th, in the same apartment, trying our best to go through our breakup while living with eachother. still getting groceries together [chasing shadows in the grocery line]... i could barely function. i know you know what co-dependent relationships can get like. beginning to function on your own without the love from them is hell. [cue. this is me trying] having a hard time adjusting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! letting go of this love. knowing i need to leave. we were in l.a until the 18th, in the same apartment, trying our best to go through our breakup while living with eachother. still getting groceries together [chasing shadows in the grocery line]... the ocean took me down; pulled my knee out. the day after telling my partner i need to do everything on my own and we be completely separate whilst living in this apartment together for at least a week. knowing we likely would stay till oct.my bodies way of still needing to rely on him. coping mechinisms. breakdowns. [pouring my heart out to a stranger, but i didn't pour the whiskey...] (This lyric. After my first relationship, I turned to alcohol. I got very dependent on this, and this runs in my family. It took me until a significant event at a party in 2017 for me to stop, i know you know what i mean. So it was a big deal for me, despite all temptations, to not turn to alcohol). i knew i had to leave l.a our host was offering us to stay until oct 1. i was 100% sure i was, despite living in the apartment with kyle, through breakup [not your typical i hate u breakup tho, one of deep love and mutual, conscious respect and love for eachother] going to stay. esp with how my body was, and my knee. and... if i went back home to Nor Cal, I knew i'd be going alone. And I knew my partner couldn't financially sustain himself at the time to stay anywhere other than back home. I knew he would have to quarentine for 14 days. I knew that by making this decision I would be completely cut off from him. i went to cancel our flight back to Nor Cal. 34 hours before. i was going to stay and stay in a place with a man who didn't have enough self love and worth yet to be able to love me properly. and then it happened. continue to financially support him. continue to love him uncontiionally. and then... sept 16 11:30pm the last excuse. the last invalidation. the last disrespect. the last act of hatred. the last act of emotional manipulation. the last time the gas light would ever turn on. i do not cancel my flight. i walked away. i chose myself. i messaged everybody that i knew to ask for help and support. i knew that this would be the hardest thing I ever had to do. i had to walk away from whom i know on a soul level to be my husband. i know. i know. i know. i know when we have both healed we will come back together in harmonious union; our relationship was all about growing. but it was time to grow apart, in order to grow back together with a stable individual foundation. the last day was magic. it was a new moon. santa monica beach. sunset. shopping. swimming. we allowed ourself to have a night of love. we knew that this was at the basis of our connection; true, undying, eternal, uncondtional love. we will always love each other in a deeper way than can be described in words. no painting, song, piece of poetry could describe this love. and it was painful. painful to love so deeply and openly and vulnerabily, knowing that come 6am I would be headed to the airport It was the most open and vulnerable I have ever been. Allowing myself to openly love so deeply despite knowing what was to come in just some short hours. I really poured my heart out. I opened up. I was vulnerable. I was my true self. And it was one of the best nights of my life, September 17th in Santa Monica, under the New Moon. we stayed up together all night holding each other. sharing a few last kisses. talking about our favourite memories each month of our relationship [i know they said the end was near...] we didn't sleep all night. the alarm went off, 4:50am. time to go. i packed everything the night before. i tied up my lose ends. we held eachother deeply. the final alarm went off, 5:10am. the pink sunrise in the uber on the way to the airport. the way that he didn't cancel his flight to go through security with me. not getting a coffee to spend every last second with him. and we sat in the airport and cried our hearts out. holding each other. crying. in front of anyone who cared to see. knowing one hour before boarding i had to take myself to the bathroom so that i could cry and prepare myself to fly [note: hopefully the airport worker knew we were gunna be okay] 7:48am, i knew the alarm was going to go off in two minutes. i take my power back and stand up, turning the alarm off. i said i have to go now or I will not get on the flight. i tell him he needs to walk away first. i can't do it. no. i'll feel abandoned. i have to be the one. i hugged him. one time. i said goodbye. i wished him well. i told him i love him. i put my backpack on. i get my stuff together. one last hug... one last kiss... and i pulled away. i walked away from the man that i know one day will be my husband and the father to my children to follow my own path of self discovery and worth and love. of healing. walking up to the airline worker, telling her my partner would not be coming on the flight with me. "okay, Miss, i will remove him from your party and from the flight," i held myself together. i did. the best i could. good thing i didn't sleep because that kept me at least less emotional and breaking down than i thought i would be. "now boarding flight xxxx to Sacramento, boarding rows 10-13..." i got myself on the plane. i couldn't believe i was doing this. how am i doing this? i knew when i sat in my seat and the plan began to prepare for departure, that i was completing a cycle of three. a cycle of relationship karma that began with my first, where we broke up on my birthday, 2016 in l.a... completing a cycle where i base my worth on another person, depend on another person, allow myself to get walked over... it was done. i asked that when i took off into the sky from the plane, the perfect line of the perfect song was playing... when i first had my breakup in l.a 2016, i was at a play to support my friend and actress. in this play, she sang a song called brave. this song, and message, got me through my first breakup. she was my rock and i swear the reason i made it through the night of that. l.a 2018, she wrote brave for a tattoo for me. we stopped talking for a while; i learned to be brave for myself. l.a 2020, the moment the plane takes off of the ground... [wool to BRAVE the seasons...] the moment you sang brave; the plane took off. a rush of feeling so proud for myself. knowing i chose me. knowing i chose a journey of self love. knowing i chose a journey of self worth. knowing i chose a journey of self empowerment. i sit here in my soul sister's apartment whilst she is cross-country, writing this. one week after i got back to Nor Cal. One week since my entire life shifted. And I am in the journey. The journey to self love, confidence, worth, empowerment, etc is not just a destination. There is a journey behind it all. It happens to contain a lot of crying. A lot of feeling. Some music. Friends. Good food. A warm coffee from the local coffee shop. Candles. Insence. Journal(S). Rest. Yoga. Meditation. Qigong. Reiki. Fuzzy socks. Oversized fluffy sweaters. Soft blankets. Stuffed animals. Books. Singing bowls. Love. And so, this is where I am. September 25th, seven months later. Wow. Writing this journey out and putting it on paper really makes me feel some things. It makes me feel fucking empowered. It makes me feel strong. It makes me feel brave. It makes me feel fearless. It makes me feel vulnerable. It makes me feel authentic. And with all authenticity, I had to be authentic with myself when I began to write this. Your music has been that constant. I have said it before, and I will say it again. Everything has always left my life but your music has always stayed. Your music has always found me in the right time in the right place. It has always supported me. You have always supported me. I was thinking back today, in a state of elevated joy allowing myself to feel happy that I got the opportunity to meet you through my life journey so far. And that... us meeting had to mean something. There is an invisable string there. There has to be a reason that during all of this your music was there for me. There has to be a reason it came to me in the time that it did. There is a reason for everything. So I write this, with a prayer that you will see this, but a surrender to the knowingness that what is meant to happen is going to happen. Also, a surrender to if anybody actually reads this! This is who I am, raw, vulnerable, authentic. I will always speak my truth, share my journey, and love Taylor Swift. Don't we all? Taylor, if you are reading this... from my soul to yours; thank you. thank you. thank you. seriously, for what you give up to be able to spread these messages via your music in such a global way. i completely see and understand what you have given up to do this. i love you. i love you. i love you. thank you for seeing me. thank you for hearing me. thank you for acknowledging me. thank you for validating me. thank you for loving me. see you next update, your friend Sarah.

[mochikeiji]

Undying Tulip

↠ Pairing: Bokuto Koutarou x Akaashi Keiji

↠ Warning: Florist Akaashi! Tattoo/Punk Bokuto! Future AU, fluff

↬ Word Count: 2,521

Summary: Keiji's mother was always a lovely woman. She would indulge her son with her own interest that Keiji finds suiting for his own liking. During his childhood, his mother had introduced him to different varieties of flowers from her small flower shop, one being her favorite, she explained to the young boy why. As he grows up, her small story always embedded in his mind, has led him straight to where he was suppose to be.

⇢ Day 3: Florist AU! Tattoo/Punk Bokuto, Future AU. Fluff (slight Soulmate AU) @bokuakaweek2020

✎﹏

If anyone were to know about the two mother and son was that both enjoyed serene related stuff. Having to own a mini but worthy flower shop named, Fukurō Florist, the two of them would spend their quality time with each other reading books.

This one particular time, little Keiji couldn't help but get a glint of interest in his eyes to see his mother read the same book everyday behind the counter as they waited for upcoming costumers.

"Mom." he called out from his spot on the small chair beside his mother. He hears her hum gently as she places a soft palm on the crown of his head, smoothing down the baby hairs that were standing.

"What's that book you always read?" pointing at the soft vintage colored book, he leans himself on his mothers lap, trying to get a look at ome of the page with big wondering eyes. Keiji was very expressive when he was around his mother, that's only because she was the only person he trusted with his emotions that time.

Giggling softly at her adorable son's innocence, she pulls him up with ease and settles him on her lap with the book now held infront of him.

"Well, it's not really those literature books that you read, Kei. You might find this one boring." observing her son carefully for a sign of any disinterest, Keiji only shook his head and grabs the book from his mother's grasp to read on his own.

"No, it's no problem. I was interested in this for a while now."

"Oh? Why so?"

Not noticing the way his eyes brighten from a certain page, Keiji immediately but carefully looks up to his mother with a wondering smile, "This mom," he points at the red picture, "This is so pretty. What's it called?"

Keiji's mother leans in her head forward to scan the flower from her book that Keiji was referring to. When she does, she smiles at the familiar like feeling bubbling up her chest.

"Oh, you're interested because of the Tulip?" said with a teasing tone as Keiji read the description of the flower with full on concentration.

"Tulip?" tilting his head, he looks at his mother for an explanation. By that, he was gently let down, still holding the book as he follows his mother on the side of her flower pots. She grabs one small pot that had a red ribbon tied around it and knelt down to his level.

"This is a Red Tulip," she glances down at the picture from the book to show him that it was the same, "Pretty isn't it?" Keiji gawks at the small, rose looking flower. Usually, other children would say why it looks boring or bland or small, but Keiji being the same as his mother, always full of curiosity, is easily amazed.

"It's my favorite flower, you know." his eyes left the flower, meeting his own mother's twinkling orbs, "This was the flower your father had given me when we were in college." reminiscing the time when she was a carefree woman who fell inlove with the man who was a splitting image as her son.

"But aren't roses common to give when you love someone, mom?" Keiji pounders, reviewing one page about the rose from the book. Not only that but whenever February came around, him being observant, he remembers numerous amount of people coming to their shop mostly for Roses during valentines.

"Roses are most common, you're right. But did you know Red Tulips have a secret meaning not everyone knew about?" placing the flower down on the ground, he observes the top of the flower. It was close to looking like a rose, he thought, but the tulip seemed more close from its top rather than rose, which has open petals.

"It doesn't say anything in the book, mom." He flips back to the Tulip's page, looking for something that might've related to his mother's words. He hears her chuckle, her hands placing above his and lowers the book down so he would look at her.

"Not everything is written in a book, sweetie. This one came from your father." his father was a busy man, but even so, he was a gentleman. Like Keiji, he was always lacking facial expressions, always quiet yet always gets things done on his own. But when it came to his family, his wife, he was the most lovestruck person he has ever witnessed and wonders to himself, "How can a person be so inlove?" despite being at a young age.

"When he gave me the same Red Tulip as this, I asked him why a Tulip and not a Rose," pausing, she looks at Keiji for permission to continue, he nods, "He told me that Red Tulips are unique, not everyone can appreciate something that isn't common to the world." each word his mother said, he was listening intently.

"Red Tulips, to him, it meant as a symbol. Undying Love, Passion."

Keiji looks down at the flower once more, seeing his own eyes twinkle just like his mother's meant he too was also struck by the story and his father's past words to his mother.

"And then he told me, like a Red Tulip, my love for you is undying. Even as the flower wilts, the Tulip will forever be the same as it was. Undying." he hears her sigh in daze, awestruck once more with her heart beating like the teenage girl she was before who was madly inlove with someone.

"Hmm...I kinda don't get it, mom." Keiji sneaks his way into his mother's arms, automatically wrapping themselves on his small body, "He said the flower died so how come its undying then?" looking up to his mother with a small hint of frustration lacing his voice, she could only let out a laugh at how innocent the tiny boy was and pats his head in affection.

"When you grow up, Keiji. There will be someone out there to show you what it means."

And thus leads to him taking over the Fukurō Florist when he reached college. Being the kind mam he was, he had pursued his mother to take a break from the shop and let him take over to help out with his families business. It wasn't as hectic as it sounds, Akaashi manages to finish the job and his studies without having trouble with his own health.

He was happy to have a part-time job experience already and won't have trouble finding one, the thing he needed to maintain was the main Flower Shop and make sure it was well known throughout Tokyo.

The only cons he thought to himself was whenever he works, there isn't a day that goes by without a courageous costumer pinning over him and asking for his number. His mother did say entertain the costumers for more service, so he gives out fake numbers. Resourceful, he thinks.

Since today was a slow day, he finds himself seated in the same spit his mother would use to sit with him on her lap as a child. Now owning the shop to his own, Akaashi pulls out once again the white, thick book from beneath the table. Flipping through the pages of varieties of plants and flowers and scanning for them if they had some left for the shop. He hums in peace, smiling softly at the corner filled with bright, yellow sunflowers standing proudly. He recalls a little girl coming over with her father for their little date, and he couldn't resist the adorable little one and gave her two sunflowers for free.

If anyone were to see him do such act, they would've shamelessly flirt with Akaashi for the entire day until he locks up. And he does not want to be stuck in the shop with a person who keeps talking their way to his pants.

The small bell from their door jingles, halting his eyes from his book and looking up to greet the new comer. But no words came out of his mouth when he saw what the guy looked like.

His hair had an odd but surprisingly good shade of silver/black hair. His ears had a lot of piercings that were silver, making his golden eyes shine brighter than anything in his features. Eyes lowering a bit to see his attire, he wore a fitted black, long sleeve. Akaashi swore his breath hitched at the sight of his chest popping out of his clothing. How did that manage to fit him?

Guys who usually looked like this meant trouble, but Akaashi wasn't one to judge someone by appearance. To him, he was down right attractive.

Meanwhile, the man who was named Bokuto Koutarou was in need of flowers for his mother. The struggle was all flower shops he goes into to, the owners would ask him to leave as though they thought he'd cause trouble by the way he looks.

They didn't even know what a big baby he is.

If others were to be in the same store as he is right now, they'd think he was seething in anger as he stares at the pot of plants when in reality he was pouting in sadness. His golden eyes quickly shift their gaze to the cashier, he caught Akaashi's wondering eyes for a second before jolting slightly and looked down on his book.

"He seems kinda cute." Bokuto smiles fondly. Akaashi on the other hand gulped when he saw his lips curl upwards, he can feel his entire body shake but not in fear. And for once, he so badly wanted to talk to him.

And faith played right into his hands when Bokuto came up to him.

"Uh, I'm sorry but," he scratches the back of his head in embarrassment, "I don't mean to distract you or anything, it's just, I've wanted to ask if you have any more flowers I could see?"

Akaashi's face blooms into a soft shade of pink, "No, no, I wasn't no— you're my costumer, you have the rights to call me," quickly getting of his post, Akaashi moves away from the cashier and goes in front of Bokuto, "Please uh, follow me." he leads Bokuto to the other side of the shop. Sicne years have passed, his mother and father managed to upgrade their store a little bigger. Able to add a garden behind where they could grow fresh plants and flowers.

Bokuto was in deep thought the moment Akaashi was up close, "Holy shit, he's cute up close." he thoughts as he coughs in a form of distracting himself from blushing.

"Here, these are the freshly grown ones." Akaashi kneels down on the soil that held a row of flowers, "It isn't much, but I hope you can choose your pick here, sir."

Bokuto snaps from his gaze when he was addressed too formally, "A-ah , no, you can call me Bokuto. I don't really like formalities.." he looks away when Akaashi stares at him in awestruck.

"U-understood," he gulps, "Bokuto." standing up, he dusts his knees neatly before leaving the owl haired male, "I will be back here if you are done. Please take your time." and left.

Bokuto didn't feel himself breath after Akaashi left. The way his name rolled from his tongue sounded so right it made his heart clench. Shaking his head, he brings up both of his palms to his cheeks to slap himself, "Calm yourself." and sighs before reviewing the rows of flowers.

Still, he wanted to know his name.

It had been 30 minutes since Akaashi left the guy named Bokuto behind the garden. Unable to shake off the fact that he allowed him, a complete stranger to use his name so casually. His cheeks were flushed, his insides felt so light. Somehow part of him wishes that this person would stay a bit longer.

"Excuse me."

He jumps before hearing the screen door shut open to reveal Bokuto smiling adoringly at him, "Ah sorry, sorry. Didn't mean to scare ya—" now was his chance, "Mister?"

Akaashi gulps, "A-akaashi."

He grins, hiding his giddy self, "Nice name you got there." he compliments, "Nice face too.." he thoughts, "Oh, um, here. I've already picked out the ones I was looking for." with care, he raises his hand that held 5 Red Tulips, fresh and healthy.

Akaashi's eyes widened a little, before grasping them out of Bokuto's hold, "I'll wrap this for you." bringing up the flowers to hide his flustered face, he sprints his way back to his post, bringing out an aesthetic paper and red ribbon to wrap the flowers neatly.

In doig so, Bokuto couldn't help but watch him. He notices how shaky his hands were unable to even tie the ribbon, "Here, let me." moving forward, he moves his hand away, much to Akaashi's surprise and dismay, he allows him and breathes softly. What caught his eye was his rolled up sleeved that showed a familiar tattoo.

"Is that?"

Bokuto hums, following the direction where his eyes were looking and smiles softly, "Yeah, it's pretty girly if you look at it." he chuckles, "But my mother told me something about this that made me want to tattoo it to myself when I was a kid."

Akaashi looks at Bokuto in wonder, silently asking him to continue with a pounding heart, "She said that this meant: Undying Love. That even if it wilts, its still the same. Love is undying."

It made sense now.

"Even as the flower wilts, the Tulip will forever be the same as it was. Undying."

His heart was fleeting. The thought of someone else knowing about his father's words, the reason his mother had found love in the first place made his entire world brighter.

He doesn't notice Bokuto finishing up the bundle of flowers until he looks down, "That's why I bought Red Tulips today, mother loves them, and since its her birthday so I might as well give her these." he says grinning. He looked far from intimidating. He was like a beaming child.

He sees a paper of cash silde down at his palm, "Well, I better get going. I wouldn't wanna be a hindrance or anything," chuckling lightly, he grabs the budle of flowers with care, "It was nice talking to you, Akaashi. I hope we could talk again sometime."

Just as Bokuto was about to walk away, Akaashi snaps from his daze, bringing his fist down, he raises his voice,

"W-would you like to grab a coffee sometime?!"

Bokuto looks back with wide eyes and Akaashi who had his face bright red and was sweating buckets.

That came out loudly.

"I-I'm sorry—"

"What time?"

Akaashi opens his eye to see Bokuto back in front of him, hand out as if he was asking for something.

"Lend me your phone number, I'll give you a call tomorrow."

"When you grow up, Keiji. There will be someone out there to show you what it means."

Mother, it's just as you said.

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

I need to vent a minute...

FFS, why the hell can’t people understand why the protests are happening???

This has been building forever! This particular incident is only the trigger, but the  explosives have been added to longer than any of us can remember. Longer than any of us have been alive. And so little has ever been done to try to defuse things. It keeps fucking happening!!!

How long are people supposed to protest politely and accept no one is listening to you? Don’t these people asking “Why?” not understand frustration and rage??? Haven’t they ever wanted to lash out at the world that keeps hurting you and ignoring your pain??**

Police violence and monsterous brutality against people of color, the general abusiveness of power many cops always show, seeing the public as the enemy.... All this has been at best dismissed as a fluke of individuals, at worst ignored entirely. The simple fact is that the basic structures and attitudes wired into law enforcement permits all sorts of horrors.

Alright, I will admit I hate cops. I’m a white, blonde, woman and yet I’ve been on the recieving end of bullying and aggressive behavior. Stupid ones too, but that’s whole other issue. In my experience they seem constantly keyed  up to find some way to get you, seeing everyone as a threat or target, with the ones most vulnerable most likely to see the ugly version of their sense of power.

Cops as bullies isn’t new. Hell, my parents had a black friend in the 1960s that gotten beaten up for walking on the wrong side of the road. (Are you supposed to walk with or against traffic? Was it even a real law? And obviously none of that mattered.)

When my father was tiny in the 1940s his father was in charge of maintenance and security at buildings owner by Boston Edison. When Frank Sinatra performed grandaddy decided to bring Pop along. I dunno why, since Pop was too young to know who the clammy handed shifty eyed skinny guy was, but what happened outside the concert made a much bigger impression. 

Outside the building hordes of bobby sockers swarmed to see their crooner hero. These were teenage girls, many of them young teenagers, and probably mostly if not entirely white...and the cops were abusing them. Decades later, telling me about it, my father would get emotional voice shaking in rage and almost in tears. The girls were being beaten and groped. Girls were knocked to the ground. Billy clubs were being shoved up their skirts by laughing cops. Bleeding and sobbing girls everywhere.

My grandfather was outraged and confonted the cops. These were little girls, he shouted at them. They got aggressive with him, pointing out his authority was only as far as the building but that the sidewalk was theirs.  If he took so much as one step out the door they would treat him the same and arrest him right in front of his little boy....

There is a reason my father and grandfather didn’t like cops, even before the 1960s when the local ones here told them they were on their own to deal with death threats and being shot at. That incident when Pop was four or five traumatized him. He knew the darkness of police.

Now imagine if those hadn’t been white girls and my grandfather had been black. I expected it would have been so much worse. 

But you don’t need personal experience of witnessing brutal cops. You don’t need to have been pushed around by an aggressive cop. You don’t have to encounter a cop that almost openly is trying to find an excuse to nail you for something. You don’t even have to think about the bullies and racists you knew as a kid that became cops. Just watch the damn news! 

 I am constantly suspended between fear and anger about cops.

But all this isn’t just law enforcement. It’s the racism you can find in all the structural systems in society in general.

  “Little” things like a doctor dismissing a patient’s symptoms or my 8th grade science teacher telling some black kids they might as well put their heads down on the desks because they weren’t going to learn anything anyway. Or heck, take something seemingly unimportant, like  entertainment of my childhood where adventure stories would have a token black person and a token woman, but the white dude was ALWAYS the main hero. But the child notices who gets to be the leader.

Imagine a lifetime of that!

You protest. You write letters. You take part in a march and wave signs. You do boycotts. You shout louder and louder.... And it all just keeps happening! You feel like nothing changes!

 Or maybe you end up with a fucker like Trump as president and you can’t help but feel like it is getting worse. A dude that actually endorses armed take over of goverment buildings because folks don’t want to take precautions in an epidemic, but wants to call in the military on largely unarmed black folks protesting getting killed by cops!

All of us were under stress because of Covid-19, but remember people of color are suffering more. They are more likely to die from it and be working jobs that endanger them. And it seems like this has been shrugged off as something inherent in their race, rather than the result of the way racism  has impacted their lives. It has to have added to the emotions. I know it made me angrier!

Will the current unrest inspire postive change? Will it just be a temporary venting with nothing really changing? I dunno. I try to hope.

I won’t be doing a lot of posts on this subject or reblogging things. It isn’t that I don’t care. For me, things I do on Tumblr feel like hollow gestures, If I changed my icon to support Black Lives Matter would it just seem performative, someone trying to get cred for thinking right while doing nothing? I’m holding on my fingernails in my life, and feel guilty for not having the resources and energy to do anything tangible. I will be blogging like usual (when I can keep my internet going!) but raging in the real world.***

**Another admission: I planned how to blow up my high school as a teen. Obviously I never actually did it, and my intent was to blow it up when it was unoccupied on a Sunday, but just the intent held satifaction. I hated that place, what it did to people I knew, and the pain it caused me. The school system as destroyer of souls.  I knew the building wasn’t the cause, but it was the symbol of it. Blowing it up would have felt sooooo GOOD and meant people had to notice the rage no one seemed to see. So believe me, I do get some of the destruction in these protests. Burn a police station or police cars? Yeah, don’t get caught, but fuck yeah!

***I live 50miles from the nearest place with protests and my town doesn’t even have one cop. I’m struggling to make sure I have the cash to get gas, so a road trip is out of the question. My anger is kinda worthless. The animals will get to hear a lot of profanity! LOL

[no-te-lo-voy-a-dar]

Sibling Jealousy - Chapter 5

Fic’s Summary: Reader has known the Winchesters for a long time, almost two years before Cas entered their lives. After that, since Reader was the only one actually teaching the angel about humanity customs and stuff like that, properly, they developed a closer relationship, on the parent-kid way. But it was never verbally acknowledged. Now, with Lucifer’s child on the way, life stabs some sense and realizations onto Reader, but there’s no time for feelings in this house.

Author’s Note: This is mainly a fic with the purpose of developing a family relationship with the characters, of mutual support, and I don’t plan on adding romance for Reader, because that’s not my final goal.

Pairings: Castiel/Reader (Platonic), Jack Kline/Reader (Platonic), Dean and Sam Winchester/Reader (Platonic)

Warnings: Usual canon violence and conflicts, as well as injuries and blood mentions, emotional struggles such as feeling unloved, like an outcast, low self-esteem issues and if you think something else should be mentioned let me know.

<<Last Chapter - Next Chapter>>

Chapter’s Author’s Note: Yes so, a long time has passed, and well, I still am halfway through the next chapter, and I’m still kind of stuck on the same episode from season 13...not having a supportive team for school work sucks u all, don’t be like that. Hope you enjoy this, and remember, comments are highly appreciated, and if you see a typo let me know, it helps me improve ^^

Chapter Five: Therapy and Emptiness

Word Count: 3,170

It’s been almost a week since the discussion on the map room took place, and Dean had been really silent the whole time, while Sam had made small talk to you and Jack, borrowing him a computer he didn’t use all the time.

Jack was spending most of his days on his bedroom, the first two with you teaching him to make his bed, how to work the computer and a few lessons on how to heal people when you bumped against some equipment on the makeshift gym, where you were spending up to three hours divided along the days, a coping mechanism that allowed you to let steam and anger out and left your body tired enough to almost black out at night after touching your bed.

So far he’s been able of healing (yet not every time) from paper cuts to small scraps you had made on your hands while sharpening swords, blades and knives with a sharpening rock - because you also found the process soothing and kind of relaxing, but your mind still wandered making you lost focus, ending on said cuts.

Yet, you told Jack to not tell Sam and Dean about the healing, and when he asked why you were going to lie, you told him the truth...mainly because he still didn’t have a concept of morals good enough to just know why.

“If we tell them you are able of healing injuries, they are not even gonna listen to the fact they are small ones, much less to how exhausted it makes you. They are probably going to expect you to heal their deep cuts, and claw marks and everything they get from hunts. And one, you are not ready yet, second they haven’t earned a right to be healed by you after all what they’ve made you gone through. Maybe Sam, but he’s on thin ice.”

“Ice? But, the floor here is not thin, is it?” Ah, another thing you’ve been up to has been teaching Jack the meaning of some words and expressions, like right there.

---

The moment Sam told you to get ready because you were going hunting, you immediately asked who was going to stay with Jack.

“No one. He’s coming with us.” He seemed unbothered by his idea, proud even.

“Come again? Jack is going with us to a hunt? Do you think that’s a good idea?”

“He could use some fresh air, and being coped up in here is not going to help him (Y/N). We all need to go out a little.” He almost sounded like he was both asking for permission and just announcing the facts…

“Have you talked to Jack already? What does he thinks about this? Does he wants to tag along?” Even if his answer was a yes, you would be having a talk with Sam to tell him how not just because Jack looked old enough to be on hunt meant he was mentally prepared to be on them.

“Yes, I went to him after talking Dean into letting him come along. And he wants to be good, and with hunting we save people.” He shrugged as if it was the most normal and obvious thing.

“Fine. But we have to make sure Dean doesn’t throw him into the fire line.” You rolled your eyes at the idea, but you were also frowning, so Sam just gave you a grateful smile before going out of your room and telling you how you were leaving in 30 minutes.

You still were going to have to talk to Jack after this, letting him know how things could go wrong. Just, warn the kid.

---

As usual you were riding on the back of Baby, but Jack was with you this time. You weren’t surprised he wasn’t in a suit, since he barely had clothes (Dean didn’t allow you to take him into town just to get some for him, so you had to go out and get a few things in hopes they would fit and he would like them), but when Dean slammed the car’s door closed you flinched. You could almost touch his despise for Jack.

The first lady’s information didn’t really help, and after finding out Jack had gotten out of the car, you quickly went to close it before getting inside the crime scene, where they were staring at a blood stain, and talking about going to the grave of the wife to salt and burn what seemed to be a ghost issue, or a revenant.

You weren’t so sure it was either of those options, and you told them that, but you were ignored. Well, Jack did pay attention, but he didn’t know a lot about monsters so he couldn’t back you up or give his own opinion...not like Dean would let him anyway.

As night fell, you went to the graveyard, and took the shovels out of the Impala’s truck.

After explaining to Jack why seeing the inside of the grave was of relevance in this case, Dean put him to dig, and went to grab a beer from the car.

Sam went after him, telling him how he was transforming into their dad. You shivered at the memories of John, for both your experiences with him and the stuff the brothers told you about...mainly Sam, but you could see the aftermath of said stuff on Dean almost every day.

You decided to keep Jack company and actually help him, since neither of the brothers seemed like they were going to help after screaming at each other.

---

Well, the grave did had a body, which left the two main options to just a vengeful spirit.

Sam helped Jack out of the hole and Dean helped you after he saw you were kind of struggling. The soil wasn’t as compacted as you might think okay? I kept crumbling beneath you.

“My mom could be a ghost?” You weren’t sure if what you heard on Jack’s voice was fear or hope.

“No, we burned the bodies. And what burns, stays dead.” At least Dean was kind of talking to Jack…

A quick glance at the green eyed brother told you he meant Castiel. You burned Castiel’s body. And that was his way of accepting Cas wasn’t coming back.

You had to swallow the lump on your throat, and went back to look at the flames consuming the body inside the giant hole.

---

Turns out, it wasn’t a ghost nor a revenant, as you suspected.

Another person ended up dead, and you had to go to the police station to get more information, finding out all the victims had the same therapist, and deciding that giving her a visit had to be the next step.

The only issue was, how to see her and get to talk to her and see if you could gather more information, more clues about the case and what you were up against.

The solution? Going in as a family and pretend you wanted the family group program.

What could go wrong, right? Right.

Everything could go bad.

First, Jack almost blew your cover at saying he had lost his mom when you all were asked who you’ve lost, issue Sam fixed by saying you all where siblings. Then, after said incident, Dean ordered Jack to not speak unless he told him to, at which you pushed Dean off of Jack.

Inside the room, Sam and Dean took the couch closer to the therapist, while you and Jack took the one across them, yet slightly more afar from Mia, and you could feel how rigid Jack was, and you weren’t even sure if he was paying attention to what was being told on the room.

...But maybe that was for the best.

The therapist quickly wanted to address how Dean handled things, and without warning, Sam and Dean started almost shouting at each other, about how Sam didn’t want to accept Mary was dead, and then about how Dean at least had a relationship with her and how Sam just wanted to hold onto the hope of having the same if Mary was alive.

Welp, that went great.

Sam stormed out of the living room like place, closing the doors behind him, leaving a very awkward silence behind him, which was quickly filled by Dean drinking from his whiskey wine pot bottle, earning a glance and scoff from Mia.

“What? Got a problem?” Please don’t anger her, please don’t anger her...

She first scolded him about his anger issues, and how it wasn’t her business if he wanted to fix that up or not, but she told him about how he directed his anger at everyone around him.

“Jack? The poor kid can even look at you. Look at him he’s terrified of you.” You glanced at him, and saw how indeed he tensed even more at being mentioned in the conversation yet not asked anything directly.

“And (Y/N)? I can see you probably boss them around, if you even acknowledge them to begin with. They don’t feel comfortable here with you, yet stands you because of...I’m going to guess because of Sam and Jack.” Ok, what?

You sent her a confused and undignified look, because well yes, you were bossed around, and got along better with Sam, and now that Jack had joined you did felt like drifting more apart from Dean but you...well, Dean didn’t really spent time with you before if Cas wasn’t around, or if you weren’t watching a movie, because that didn’t involve a lot of talking.

...You didn’t like to think about not really fitting with the Winchesters the latest years and now this woman has brought up all of your doubts to the surface again. Thanks.

“Jack? Pff, we are just peachy, right kid?” Dean’s voice did scare you, like he would snap at any moment.

“Just peachy.” Jack’s reply was a copy of what Dean said and sounded almost robotic.

“And (Y/N) is just fine, if they didn’t like us they would have run away a long time ago. Sam sure did for a while.” Dean didn’t even look at you, at neither of you, and took another swing of the alcohol.

Actually you’ve wanted to leave the brothers since a while ago and go with Cas, but since he always went back to them, to Dean, it wasn’t really an option. And even after all these years you really thought you’ll end up being part of their family again. After all, before Sam left for college you felt like family.

The sound of doors slamming open cut your thoughts and sent you standing up and pulling Jack with you, instincts ticking in.

“Careful! She’s a shifter!!” Screamed Sam while pointing a gun at Mia.

Now you put Jack behind both Sam and you, taking your own gun out. That one didn’t have silver bullets, but they would slow her down enough for you to pull your silver knife from your belt.

Turns out a creature read you all so easily. Well, that couldn’t be good.

---

After deciding Mia might be telling the truth about wanting to help people, Dean and Jack went to check if it was true she was somewhere else when the first murder took place, while you and Sam stayed behind, checking the footage to see the eyes of everyone who came in and out.

You didn’t really wanted to leave Jack with Dean, but Sam reassured you it was fine.

Since your computer was slower than Sam’s, you decided to go get some water and stretch your legs, and when you came back Sam was gone, Mia informing you that Buddy, her ex, was acting as one of her patiences and Sam went to the address in hopes of finding him and killing the shifter.

Great, he left without a word.

Your face must have shown your hurt, because the therapist answered your unspoken question.

“He told me to let you know he was gonna be fine, and needed you here for whenever your brothers were back...but, the four of you...you are not really siblings, are you?” You let a dry chuckle leave your mouth.

“Nah, just Dean and Sam. Neither Jack nor I are blood related. Dean and Sam, we used to be closer before, as if we were actual family, but, at some point, a distance started forming, and even when it gets slim at moments between one of them and me, there’s always this, feeling, of how if they had to choose they would save each other, leaving me to perish.” It had happened before, that one time they left you in a vampire’s nest. They proclaimed they didn’t know you were held hostage, but Sam was there with you before you were taken.

Talk about trust issues. Castiel was the only one who made sure the three of you were safe and healthy most of the time, taking special attention to you.

“You lost someone too. If their mother isn’t yours, then who did you lose?” When you blinked, you saw how your vision got blurry with unshed tears.

“Uh, a friend of them? Us? He’s older than me, and, well, might as well say it out loud now. I saw him as a father figure. Castiel, he uh, sacrificed himself to save us all, including Jack, and I did get to say bye, but not like I wanted. And I haven’t been able of mourning him, we haven’t had time to rest since…” You stopped talking as soon as you hard the Impala engine outside, and went to wash your face.

You heard Dean being told by Mia about Sam going out, but you didn’t heard Jack requesting Mia to have a chat.

When you got out of the bathroom, you heard shushed voices from behind a door. Recognizing Jack’s you walk closer, and hear him talking to...Kelly? But, she was dead and...oh.

Mia took Jack’s mom form and he was not talking with her. At least what Mia was telling him was good, actual advice and good words.

You left a sigh of relief out, realizing how bad Jack’s been doing, and well, at least he was getting help.

You started to get up, after you heard Jack thanking Mia, but you were soon yeeted threw against and through the door, crashing against a lamp and a small table, and finally landing hard against the floor, bleeding cuts covering your left arm.

When you lifted your head, you saw Dean knocking Jack out, and then he came to do the same to you.

---

You woke up at the sound of Jack screaming, your blurry vision seeing Buddy flying by that energy Jack created, and Sam on the room’s door.

You were just starting to notice your hands were tied when everything was already over: Mia refused to kill you, Sam had shoot Buddy, the room was all bloody and destroyed and you saw Jack was not very conscious.

After being released, you stepped as far from Dean as you could without looking like a scared, kicked street dog, and went to check on Jack, who was already getting better.

Mia insisted on the four of you to get out, that she would take care of everything (meaning the body and the room), but Sam and you weren’t so sure. It was Dean the one convincing you to leave, and the first one to walk out of the room, Sam following close behind but stopping when he didn’t heard steps behind him.

You saw Mia talking to Jack, and the later giving her a hug. Unconsciously, you hugged yourself, trying to find some comfort. Jack looked like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, meaning the conversation he had with Mia-Kelly did worked.

You were just left feeling emptier than before.

After Jack let her go, he went to walk past you, standing besides Sam.

You looked at Mia, who had a raised eyebrow, making you realize you were still hugging yourself.

“I’m just a little cold, the blood loose dropped my temperature a little.” You made a dismissive gesture with your hand, but you could see you weren’t fooling her. Maybe she was prepared to be a therapist after all.

“Talk to them, you are not alone.” You barely heard her, and nodded to let her know you did.

As if that was easy.

---

When you got back to the Bunker, you went straight to the sink on the kitchen to clean your arm again, since it was closer than the bathroom.

You were redoing the bandages when Jack came in to get a glass of water, but as soon as he got in, Dean came in too. The tension on the air raised tenfold immediately.

Jack and Dean exchanged little ‘hey’s, but neither was looking at each other.

“Listen kid, you saved Sam back there, I’m grateful...you did good back there, okay? Good job.” You saw the exchange, and noticed how Dean was really trying to look ad Jack, and the almost newborn Nephilim gave him a little smile, nodding.

You now knew the one knocking Jack and yourself out was the shifter, but it triggered the fear you had against Dean from his demon and Mark of Cain days, so when he walked past you, patting your shoulder, you couldn’t help but flinch.

Dean noticed, but didn’t say anything, just murmured a soft ‘sorry’ before leaving the kitchen, probably to find Sam.

Jack, on the other side, went to sit in front of you, and asked with a calm and quiet voice tone.

“Uh, (Y/N)? Are you alright? Does your shoulder hurts?” he was really concerned for you, so maybe you should be honest. After all, he still needs to learn about lies and you didn’t want to be the one teaching him that.

“My shoulder is a little sore, but that’s not why I flinched. Part of my mind thinks Dean will throw or hit me again. I know a few hours ago it was the shifter the one that knocked us up, but my instincts haven’t caught up with that yet.” Okay, you weren’t lying, just leaving certain info out. He didn’t need to know that. Not yet anyway.

He hummed and nodded, understanding what you meant, stood up to pick another glass and filled it with water. You were about to tell him he could use the same glass when he offered it to you.

“Drinking water is vital after losing blood, right?” 

“Water is important in general, but yes. Thank you, Jack.” You washed both glasses after finishing yours and then called for Jack.

“Let’s use the fact I’m already covered in cuts to keep practicing your healing skills, shall we?” the kid glowed at the idea of practicing not hurting people, and catch up with you on the alley.

Maybe not thinking about Cas, but focusing on good things might help you…

.

.

Sibling’s Tag List:

@carryon-doctor-lock @theferretkids @sapphysaph(idk why i can’t tag u m8) @hazelle-uvu @tiggytaylor​ @a-door-into-my-mind @crazy-obssesed-fangirl @ladymarvelite

(If you wanna be added, please say so in the comment’s section of THIS post)

[sinfvls]

          hey all you cool cats and kittens !  it’s carole desi from big cat rescue and i’m here to deliver a tubular trio to this glorious group. i’ve been on the hunt for a solid supernatural rp for idk how long and i’m so stoked to find a home in bloodshq  &  begin writing / plotting with every single one of you !  admittedly, their backgrounds are pretty underwhelming because they’re all new muses ( lord help me ) and i’m still getting a feel for them, and i have just a few wanted connections up for grabs listed at the end of each of their blurbs, so if you see any that strike your interest please feel free to slide into my ims ( but i’m also super open to anything, so feel free to hit me with your ideas too ! )  &  now without further ado, i give you  DAMON BELMONT ,  NICHOLAS SPENCER  &  VERONA ADLER. 

damon belmont  has been seen walking the seattle streets. the werewolf has been in town for  one week, and are known to be  aloof  but also very  loyal.  the  thirty seven  year old is the  vice president of the mongrels motorcycle club.  if you tilt your head and look at them in a certain light they might resemble charlie hunnam. their pronouns are  he/him.  damon’s werewolf gene is  triggered.

statistics & connections

doesn’t know who his parents are / were.  he was found abandoned in the woods of hayfork, california as a wee babe by a pair of hikers.  tossed into the social system, he hopped from foster home to foster home, until finally sticking with a woman named delilah belmont, who eventually opted to adopt him.

she lived off the grid, in the backwoods, where she fended for herself by hunting for meat, growing her own produce, and even tended to livestock. damon thrived in this lifestyle, learning how to survive in the wilderness. he didn’t go to public school. instead, he was homeschooled by delilah, who taught him only what she valued to be of great importance. she wasn’t gonna raise no soft, yellowbelly who couldn’t fend for himself.

however, one day while out hunting, the two were attacked by a grizzly bear and it mauled delilah nearly to death before damon put a few rounds of bullets into it. there was no saving her, and she knew it. instead, she begged damon to end the pain. out of mercy, he killed her, and thus triggered the werewolf gene he didn’t even realize was in him. the confusion he had to deal with alone as a result was heartbreaking. he didn’t understand what he was, seeing himself as a monster whenever there was a full moon to unleash his inner beast. damon thought he was the only one of his kind, until he met a group of mysterious travelers.

the mongrels motorcycle club, what everyone assumed to be a band of criminals. damon first met them at a dive bar in town, where he’d been planning to drink himself into a stupor. they knew what he was immediately and offered him a home; a new family with them. while he had so many unanswered questions, the young werewolf also had nothing to lose, and so he joined the bloodmoon pack and never looked back. 

the acceptance and relief from knowing he wasn’t an abomination was overwhelming. never did he think that he would develop such a strong bond with another person, let alone an entire pack of werewolves. the bloodmoon pack has been travelling just about everywhere, stopping in areas to rest before carrying on again, living as vagabonds, and picking up “strays” / other packless werewolves along the way. he’s been with the pack for sixteen years.

( more tba yikes )

wanted connections

bloodmoon pack / mongrels mc members.  still need a president, sgt at arms, road captain, enforcer, chaplain, etc. info can be found on the wanted connections page on the main !

soulmate. listen, he’s been around the block and i think it’s safe to say he’d have found his mate by now asdjkhg. she could have already been with the pack when he joined, or joined after him at some point. completely open to plotting all the details. filled by cleo clarke

( more tba maybe sdjhfg )

nicholas “nick” spencer  has lived in seattle for  twelve years, and are known to be  broody  but also very  altruistic.  the  twenty one  year old human  goes to school at seattle university.  if you tilt your head and look at them in a certain light they might resemble finn cole. their pronouns are  he/him.  nick is  unaware  of the supernatural.

statistics & connections

born in los angeles, california to a pair of admirably gifted parents, nicholas spencer lived a fairly privileged first eight years of his life. his mother, a soap opera actress, and his father, a talented chef, gave both nick and his older sister a life full of love and luxury. yes, everything was absolutely perfect in their world. until it wasn’t.

at barely eight years old, nick was violently thrown along with his sister into one of the most traumatic experiences any child could go through; they lost their parents to a fatal car accident. being forced to move to seattle with his sister to live with their aunt, he didn’t fully understand what it meant; he couldn’t properly process what was going on. the pain of his loss was expressed more out of anger, feeling as though their parents abandoned them. and thus, nick’s out of control behavior was born.

suicide mention tw.  he struggled in school. his emotions betrayed him. instead of relishing a happy childhood, nick found himself pushing everyone away, getting into fights, sneaking out late at night to run around the city with his friends and get into all sorts of trouble with them. he couldn’t count on his hands how many times the police picked him up and brought him to his aunt’s doorstep. it only got worse once one of his best friends was found dead, written off as a suicide, though it didn’t add up in nick’s eyes and seemed so much more sinister. the young man was nearly deemed to be a lost cause, until he discovered his passion for writing.

language arts or literature was the last thing anyone would ever think to group with nick spencer. he was quite eloquent, sure, but the one thing he always did was play basketball at one of the outdoor courts in seattle. anytime he needed to blow off steam, to contemplate life, or just to shoot hoops, you could always catch him at the court. but his english teacher noticed how well he could articulate his thoughts and feelings on paper, and submitted one of his pieces to a writing contest, which earned nick the win and three thousand dollars as a prize.

bewildered by a talent he hadn’t even realized was in him, nick embraced it. he started writing in a journal ( which he keeps safely tucked away beneath the mattress of his bed ), documenting every feeling and thought as a way to express his emotions in a more productive manner. this talent earned him a full ride scholarship to seattle university, where he’s now a literature major with plans of either becoming an author or perhaps an english teacher, to follow in the footsteps of his high school teacher who he came to idolize.

( more will be added later oop )

wanted connections

his three best friends ( see listed in wanted connections on the main ! )

someone he doesn’t see eye to eye with, maybe opposite in personality or morals. most likely someone he went to high school with or someone who also attends seattle university ( bonus points if they’re supernatural )

some bad folk he may have accidentally gotten mixed up with, either in the past or current ( or both sdfhkjg ). could literally be ANYTHING, maybe he saw something he shouldn’t have, maybe there’s some drug scandal he got mixed up in and now can’t get out of ??  

more tba eventually !

verona adler  has been seen walking the seattle streets. the fae has been in town for  three years, and are known to be  restive  but also very  fervent.  the  twenty four  year old works as a  bar & grill waitress.  if you tilt your head and look at them in a certain light they might resemble dove cameron. their pronouns are  she/her. 

statistics & connections

oakdale, louisiana.  born and bred.  she was raised middle to two brothers, one older and one younger, but was the absolute apple of her mom and dad’s eye, being their only daughter. her family was reputable, as were the strawberry fields they owned. people from all over the state would pay a petty price to pick a few cartons full of the famously juicy adler strawberries.

at a very young age, verona had to learn how to better control her emotions, which is very difficult for a child to understand and do. she was known for glowing tantrums, and levitating when particularly elated over something. however, in due time, the young faerie learned to hide these paramount parts of herself from the world surrounding them, out of fear over the potential backlash of human ignorance.

she’s been very personable her entire life, much like a light in a dark room. excelling in school, she mastered both academics and the social aspect, she was on the school’s yearbook committee as well as the cheerleading squad, and played an active part in her community as best as she could, generally through volunteer work. a true southern belle, through and through.

however, verona was exhausted. she couldn’t stand pretending to be something she wasn’t; hiding her true colors from the world just because the world was deemed to be much too censorious when it came to being different. while she adored her family and friends, she wasn’t being true to herself which left her unhappy behind closed doors. so, at the age of twenty one, she found an ad in the paper for a roommate in seattle and the city was evidently huge in comparison to her small town. the thought of living somewhere that was hopefully more accepting was an absolute dream, so she packed her things and made the move.

she’s been living in seattle for three years now, working at the same bar & grill she started off with as a waitress and she loves it. she loves meeting people that come from all different walks of life, the mixture of humans and supernatural is perfect. though she’s still a little put out by hiding her true self, she enjoys being surrounded by a bigger populace of supernatural beings that she generally doesn’t have to hide around.

( more tba probably ... eventually )

wanted connections

exes / flings / one night stands.  her friends calling her a slut is just teasing and gets a laugh out of her, a stranger calling her a slut will put vee in a full on rage, but all in all .... girl gets around.  NOT because she’s a sex fiend, but because she loves the idea of being loved, and therefore looks for it in all the wrong places sdfahkfjg. 

best friend ( supernatural only pls ! ).  she needs someone she can fully open up to without worry of being judged, rant / vent to each other about all the shit in their lives, talk about things they wouldn’t normally be able to talk about in the public, etc. a good wholesome friendship.

someone she annoys / who annoys her / or both.  girl is basically a constant ray of sunshine & agonizingly curious / nosy, and that probably presses at least one person. she can’t stand some who’s a grump without a cause & has an insatiable need to pick people apart in order to find out wtf happened to them / the reason why they are the way that they are.

maybe her brother(s) ?  i mean, if anyone wanted to pick them up, they’re free to snag !!

more tba later !

[starwarsnonsense]

The Last Jedi: A Beautiful and Exquisitely Emotional Film About the Lows and Highs of Failure

I didn’t feel prepared to review this film after my first viewing, since I felt too overwhelmed by what I had seen and I wasn’t able to properly articulate my feelings beyond the level of mostly incoherent squealing. I have just seen it for the second time and feel much more capable of writing about it now. This review will be chock-full of spoilers, so please don’t read it until you have seen the film for yourself (and I implore you to do so - it’s a brilliant ride).

As I mention in the title of this review, The Last Jedi is ultimately about failure. This didn’t quite click with me on my first viewing, but it came through with startling clarity upon my second viewing. Every character has to deal with failure, but the beautiful thing about this film is that failure is shown to have the potential to be a source of strength and wisdom rather than helplessness and despair. Every character suffers and has their plans thwarted or their efforts proved in vain, but this doesn’t mean nothing was achieved.

To begin considering this theme, let’s start by discussing the story of Rey and Kylo (they have their own stories as well, but I want to begin by talking about the journey they take together). These characters are the beating heart of the film, and their mutual journey is the main through-line throughout The Last Jedi. Rey and Kylo are bound together through the Force, and their early scenes together are all about how they negotiate this and are forced to confront each other as people rather than enemies. They come closer and closer through scenes that are brimming over with intimacy, tension and tenderness, their encounters culminating with a lovely tableau where they extend their hands to touch each other. This is a moment of profound vulnerability and sensuality - Kylo deliberately removes his glove so they can touch skin-to-skin, and they gaze directly into each other’s eyes with the firelight between them, oblivious to everything except each other. It’s framed something like a pre-Raphaelite painting of forbidden lovers touching for the first time, and it is intensely romantic and beautiful. Later, we learn that this is the moment when they both had visions of a future together - Rey saw Ben returning to the light with her help, and Kylo saw Rey coming to his side to join him. These visions inform most of their subsequent behaviour and give them purpose. 

Luke, still filled with fear and afraid of allowing Rey to slip into darkness, bursts in and stops them by exploding the hut where the would-be lovers are connecting (a parody version where Luke comes in screaming “NO SEXY TIMES IN MY HUT!” is surely incoming). Rey, however, has been swayed by her interactions with Kylo and her new appreciation of his origins - she considers him wronged in the worst possible way by the uncle who was meant to be guiding and caring for him, having had the truth of Ben’s turn to the dark side revealed to her by Kylo. Convinced that there is still hope for Ben, Rey leaves the island to go to him in the hope of turning him and bringing him to the side of the Resistance. Kylo, however, seems to betray her and takes her to Snoke. Snoke proceeds to torture Rey and is puffed up with pride over his apprentice’s achievement - he orders Kylo to murder Rey, reading his thoughts and revelling in Kylo’s new resolve. But Snoke, in a stunning moment, is actually reading Kylo’s resolve to murder him, not Rey, and is sliced in half by the sudden ignition of a craftily turned lightsaber. 

Rey and Kylo fight Snoke’s Praetorian guards together in a gorgeous, virtuous fight scene that is easily the greatest setpiece in the film - they are completely in sync to the point that they fight back to back, with Rey leaning to rest against Kylo’s back in order to better launch an attack. It is a fight scene founded on their innate connection and trust in one another, and it is their high point together - it embodies everything they can achieve when they are at their best.

It has taken a while for me to get here, but this is the point at which failure comes into it. At the end of the fight, Rey appeals to Ben to stop the attack on the Resistance fleet. He refuses and reveals his ambition to rule the galaxy as the new Supreme Leader - he interpreted his vision of the future as proof that he was destined to rule with Rey besides him, and appeals to her to join him. Kylo makes the offer with desperate sincerity and longing, and clearly sees no evil in his dream - instead, he envisages a future where he and Rey will rule side-by-side to give order to a chaotic galaxy torn apart by factionalism and warfare. He considers it a question of destiny and responsibility - the most apt use for their remarkable and unique power. He tries to appeal to Rey by highlighting the awful truth of her background - in particular, her abandonment by uncaring and drunken parents - and telling her how important she is to him. 

But Rey, of course, is horrified. She realises that killing Snoke did not restore Ben Solo, and that going to him was not enough to trigger the change. She reaches for the Skywalker saber - which she had passed to Ben in the battle - and she and Kylo battle for it through the Force, straining for control until the moment the saber breaks in two, exploding into a dazzling blast of light that knocks them both unconscious. 

For Rey, Kylo’s offer to her represents the fact that she has failed - but there is also a lesson in it. She fails to bring Ben Solo back but the lesson is that he must be left to find a way forward alone - at least for now. She recognises the sincerity of his feelings and the conflict that stirs within him, but cannot share in his dream for two of them. She flees The Supremacy while Kylo is still unconscious, re-joining the Resistance and taking up the mantle of the last Jedi, inspired by Luke’s teachings and her own experiences with the Force. In a magical moment that embodies what Rey stands to become, she lifts the rocks that block the exit from the cave complex that the few surviving members of the Resistance were using to escape. They behold her as if she’s a miracle. By the end of the film, Rey has new resolve and confidence in her ability to represent hope for the galaxy and continue to propagate the light side of the Force. She may be a nobody born to scavengers from Jakku callous enough to sell their own child for drinking money, but the humble nature of her birth makes her a greater inspiration and heightens her achievements.

Kylo’s failure, naturally, has a different form. For him, the failure lies in the loss of Rey. He awakens to find her gone and is furious, immediately charging into what he wants to be a final battle against the Resistance. He is determined to destroy anything and everything that reminds him of his past - the weakness he had earlier told Rey to “kill” if she had to - and goes about in a chaotic and senseless fashion. Hux attempts to reign in his more outrageous and childish tactics, but Kylo is rendered stupid and short-sighted by his blind rage - when he sees the Falcon, he screams for “that piece of junk” to be blasted out of the sky. When he sees Luke, he orders every gun to fire on him before finally going out to face his uncle himself. When he fights Luke, he fights sloppily and in anger, intensely frustrated by his uncle’s ability to evade his blows. He ultimately realises that Luke is nothing but a projection, a distraction that worked all too well and allowed the Resistance the time they needed to escape. While Rey ends the film on a note of achievement, purpose and belonging, Kylo ends it solitary and acutely aware that he hasn’t got what he craved - he may be the de facto Supreme Leader of the galaxy, but it’s a hollow title and a hollow victory. The dice from the Falcon - which Luke had projected across the galaxy with him - vanish from his fingers, and he has to look up in despair as Rey gazes down at him sternly and closes the door on their connection. There is a lesson for Kylo in this - IX will be where we see what he takes from it.

Every other main character deals with failure of a different sort, and while I won’t go into all of them in detail I will touch upon the stories of Luke and Finn and Rose. Luke starts the film on a note of failure which is contrasted with Rey’s optimism - he exiled himself as he feels he betrayed Ben Solo, and is convinced that the Jedi caused more harm to the galaxy than good. He wants to die and let the Jedi end. He is slowly won over by Rey and begins giving her lessons about the nature of the Force, albeit non-traditional ones that subvert expectations (ours and Rey’s). He is shaken by the discovery of Rey’s connection with his nephew, but one of the best things about The Last Jedi is how it challenges Luke himself and subverts his expectations and beliefs. Speaking to Yoda after Rey has left to join Kylo allows Luke to realise that Rey has all the wisdom she needs, and will gain more wisdom through any failures or trials she endures. This gives Luke a sense of peace and allows him to let her go and take up her own path. 

One of the final tracks on the soundtrack is ‘Peace and Purpose’, and it is matched with the scene of Luke’s triumph at the end of the film - he faces his nephew with the clear goal of saving the Resistance. It may not be the grand set-piece many wanted for Luke, but I find it more effective than that since it really stresses all those qualities that make him a true Jedi - his selflessness, patience, calm and optimism. As much as Kylo is filled with rage and hurt, Luke projects calm and confidence and makes it clear that he will be with Kylo going forward. When we go back to where Luke really is - the island of Ahch-To - he is wearing his old Jedi master robes and is clearly under immense physical strain - the Luke that is fighting Kylo is an embodiment of Luke’s fine-tuned mental state, not his suffering physical body. The strain of projecting himself across the galaxy ultimately kills him and he becomes one with the Force in much the same way as Obi-Wan, having responded to his sister’s appeal for help and had a spark of hope for Ben Solo restored by Rey (Leia seems to have given up hope for Ben by the end of the film, but Luke has greater optimism and tells her that “no one is ever truly lost”). Luke attains the greatest wisdom that there is, by learning from his own failure and accepting that his apprentice must also fail to tread her own path. And his wisdom is ultimately rewarded by triumph, even though it comes at a cost.

Finn and Rose have an arc that’s as complex and fully realised as Kylo and Rey’s, even though it doesn’t have the same narrative heft. I will get to it in full later on, but in relation to the theme of failure it is worth mentioning that Finn and Rose’s whole side-mission is ultimately a failure. They infiltrate The Supremacy in the hope of disabling the tracker that is keeping the First Order on the tail of the Resistance fleet. The mission is proven to be in vain when a Resistance ship rams into The Supremacy and brings the whole ship down. The futility of their mission is crushing and the losses to the Resistance are huge, but what Finn and Rose experienced together wasn’t worthless - their adventure made them both better people, and Finn in particular was inspired by Rose and her bravery. At the end of the film Rose drives her skimmer into Finn’s on Crait to prevent him from ramming into the First Order’s weapon, saving him from what was effectively a suicide mission - in a way she makes Finn fail, but she also saves him. This underlines the film’s fascinating moral complexity and nuance, which are easily its greatest strengths. 

The Last Jedi is more interested in character than action, and every set-piece and battle is designed with the goal of serving the characters’ stories - individual and intertwined.

There is so much to say about this film, and I know that I have many happy and productive months of meta-writing to look forward to. It is not entirely without flaws but I have already gone on too long here, and will have more time to write up my feelings in the coming months, weeks and years. I am so psyched and am intensely grateful to have a Limitless subscription right now.

[millenniumhprp]

“Gina my love, I absolutely loved your application. Your original character sounds fantastic and I can’t wait to see him on the dash. ~Admin M

Congrats Gina! You have been accepted to play as Benjamin Cooper (FC: Chance Perdomo)! Now, you have 48 hours to create your blog and follow our checklist. Once completed, please send a message to the main page and we will provide the link to the OOC blog / Discord.

In the meantime, if you have any questions regarding the process, just send us a message here and we’ll be happy to answer you. Great job! We can’t wait to see how you bring your character to life. Happy RPing!

Name: Gina

Preferred Pronouns: She / Her

Age: 23

Time Zone: MST-AZ

Activity level: I work for local news, so sometimes can be swept away easily for work – plus my shift is odd. However, I will try to get on every single night, if not every other day. <3

Previous Roleplaying Experience: over 12 years of forums and tumblr alike haha

How did you find out about Millennium? I’m an admin and set it up :P

What are you most excited for in the RP? THE TOURNAMENT – and older characters 😊

Anything Else: [removed]

IN CHARACTER

Character’s Name: Bejamin Cooper

Face claim: Chance Perdomo

Preferred Pronouns: He / Him

Age: 17

School: Hogwarts

Year: 7th

Blood-Status: Half-blood

House: Slytherin

How do they feel about their house placement? Indifferent. He does not want his house to define him. Only himself and his actions.

Job: During the summers with his mother, something in the Muggle world.

Biography: (tw: abuse & alcoholism)

Vola anima per aeterna - fly through eternal life.

Growing up was something of a difficulty for Benjamin. His father was a Pureblood – descendent from the Nott family – and emphasized the need for the young boy to learn magic when Benjamin first started showing his abilities at a young age. His mother was a Half-Blood, raised by a Muggle-born mother herself. Thus, she pleaded with her husband frequently that Benjamin needed the chance at a normal life without magic or the wizarding world. Especially since her own mother died in a tragic accident due to the aftermath of a battle from the first wizarding war. She wanted to give her son another option – knowing that a storm was coming. She saw how dangerous it was and didn’t want her only child growing up in such a dangerous place – and had another life to escape to if need be. Often, their screams from their fights shook the house, sending Benjamin into tears as he tried to cover his ears to block out the world. Drown it with his own thoughts and dreams. All while hiding in the back of the broom closet. Later, Benjamin learned that his father manipulated him many times. The Nott family was keen on memory charms and influence – making impressions and dictating many decisions often by corrupt ways. Out of guilt from thinking he was causing his parents fight, Benjamin often hid away or sometimes even ran. But one day, he didn’t have to. His father, suitcases in hand, left with another woman while his mother was left crying. Out of spite, Benjamin took his mother’s last name, protecting her as the new war began.

Raising him as a single parent, Benjamin’s mother moved them to a two-bedroom house right on the shore-line of Weymouth, Dorset in England. It was away from the center of the war, but another waged at home. His mother was in a drunken state most of the time, leaving the boy to write to himself, feeling lost in the world. She even took him out of Hogwarts during his fourth year – fearing the war would take her precious boy away. He went to a Muggle boarding school but missed the halls and corridors of Hogwarts. His home. Afterall, there, he thrived academically, particularly in potions. He liked to tinker with them, making them better. And in charms, he did the same. His journal was filled with ideas and potential inventions. Even so, Benjamin still practiced magic, eager to return once the war was over.

Now that the school is reopened, Benjamin has refused to finish Muggle school and told his mother that he is returning to Hogwarts. No matter what. Of course, she was distraught, and still has not come around. The fear of the Triwizard Tournament clouds her mind, wanting to keep Benjamin as far away as possible. However, he doesn’t need her protection. He’s fine on his own – witty, intelligent, cunning…qualities he knows are passed down from his father. All Benjamin wants is to be his own self, independent, and make his name known to the world. Not a Nott – nor a Half-Blood. Simply Benjamin Cooper. And he will stop at nothing to get his way.

What will your character bring to the RP? A male character split between the traits of his parents and the ambition to be his own person. He’s got the wit and tendencies of a villain, but longs to be good. I want to toy with the light and dark of a soul theme – and let Benjamin find his own way.

Patronus: Gray Wolf

Wand: 11 ½ inches, slightly springy, alder wood, unicorn hair core.

Head Canons:

·        During his first school-years at Hogwarts, in the summertime, his mother (a professor at the University) would be sure that Benjamin had full knowledge of the history of the Muggle World as well. Many times, she gave him books to read and take at least one Muggle-schooling course. Although, the war had caused her paranoia and thus led her to be more distant. Benjamin would then browse the library in their home on his free will whenever he decided to visit. After years of studying, he finds that he likes literature from the Muggle world and learning its history; because of this, Benjamin has a burning desire to travel, but also incorporate magic.

·        Benjamin is pansexual; however; aromantic. While he enjoys sexual encounters, he does not actively seek love or feel it often. In fact, he is often even more satisfied with friendships and other non-romantic relationships. He thinks this may change because he’s never been in love and goes in with an open mind. Benjamin’s severely insecure and does not believe in love due to his parents.

·        To keep a savings in mind, Benjamin worked a part-time job during the summer holidays. Oddly enough, at a bakery that is owned by his elderly neighbors. After his father left, his mother wanted to move out of London completely and migrated them towards the sea-side in Weymouth, Dorset England. The ocean did wonders for Benjamin, allowing him to gain a sense of wonder and appreciation for Muggle life even more. The summer meant he could swim, relax, and study. His neighbor, Lyle, was elderly and allows Benjamin to take his sailboat out if he cleans it up and also gave him his part-time job at his wife’s bakery. Discipline and responsibilities come with a job, which is what Benjamin believes he needs to become a man; to have courage and never let himself standby and watch any other horrible event pass before his very eyes.

Extras: Jupiter by Sleeping at Last

Para Sample: (tw: abuse, fighting, & alcoholism)

“Look at him, Camilla! He’ll never amount to anything.” Nathaniel Nott shouted to his wife as she held a younger, four-year-old version of Benjamin.

“He’s just a boy! Of course he won’t with you talking like this!” Camilla bent down, wiping the tears from Benjamin’s reddened cheeks, “Sweetheart, go to your room…please…”

All the young boy could do was look at his mother, saddened by how she seemed so broken. Every night was the same. His mother, fearing magic, did not want the boy to learn it when it became time that he would get the letter from Hogwarts. She feared it because it had killed her own mother - but Nathaniel, his father, tried to reason that it was dark magic that had done that. And with the tantrums Benjamin sometimes had, he was proven to show signs of magic with lights faintly flickering from time to time when he cried. Nathaniel, from pleading with his mother, led to arguments and fights - leaving all parties saddened greatly. Seeing the look in his father’s eyes, Benjamin quickly ran up the stairs, hiding in the broom closet with his knees hugged to his chest.

Some years later, even after Nathaniel left, the pain of being different; a freak; grew worse…

While growing up, Benjamin was faced with many issues. First his abuse, his mother becoming an alcoholic, and his father leaving. It made him feel unwanted and uncared for….as if he was the cause for all the issues. As if he were to blame. If that was what love was, he wanted none of it. Unfortunately, at home was not the only place where his insecurities thrived.

At age twelve, despite having gotten the letter from Hogwarts, Camilla refused to let her son learn magic at first. In the end, he started a year later than most Hogwarts students, making him feel behind and stupid. However, it was not his fault. As his mother tried to raise him as “normal”, Benjamin knew in his heart that he didn’t belong. It became evident as he was starting to be brought up in Muggle schooling, unable to control his magic when his emotions were heightened.

Being an awkward, shy boy, Benjamin was always bullied. Whenever the kids would push him or tease him, the bullies would suddenly trip on thin air. And one day, the boys were going too far. They began calling the young boy names saying that he was talking to the ‘Devil’ when he would whisper in his sleep at nap time (from nightmares) or utter words that he remembered his father saying when practicing and showing him simple spells.

They kicked the back of his desk, threw papers at him, pushed his arms, and even put gum in his hair. And while trying to control his anger, the young Benjamin’s temper slipped, making the teacher’s desk move forward and even start to lift before Benjamin fell to the ground, scared and shaking.

“You freak!” he heard a young girl scream and all he could do was crawl up from the ground and run. He ran until he reached his house where Benjamin hugged his knees to his chest and cried back to his broom closet, where the lights flickered from his hurricane of emotions. The young boy was confused, scared, and angry. He had no idea what to do. But the gentle touch of his mother’s hand on his shoulder was the only comfort he felt at the time. He always thought he was a freak.

Even now, Benjamin still feels out of place. Having finally been social at new Muggle schools when he was pulled from Hogwarts, it had done him a lot of good, but a lot of harm as well. He craved to be “normal” or at least fit in. He didn’t want to cause any pain that he felt when he was younger. To him, he was scared to death of being his father, but he was also terrified of being that boy once more.  Benjamin has many fears; thus, those fears are his insecurities. Although he must be careful to not let them get in the way as he returns to Hogwarts – a new, improved, young man.

[dropintomanga]

Almost a Loss for Words (The Ancient Magus Bride)

We’ve all had our moments where we say things that we don’t mean. Stress and frustration cause us to lash out at our friends and family. Most of the time, nothing serious happens. However, as a certain story in The Ancient Magus Bride goes, the words we choose to say do have consequences that we can’t foresee.

This particular story in The Ancient Magus Bride happens in Volume 6 of the manga (Episode 17 in the anime). On Christmas, main character Chise Hatori decides to walk around town. She runs into a girl named Stella Barklem, who is trying to search for her younger brother, Ethan. Her parents were following Stella and proclaim that Stella’s an only child. The parents’ behavior mystifies Chise and she decides to investigate with the help of her partner, Elias Ainsworth. Chise, Elias, and Stella follow a trail that leads to an encounter with the mysterious Ashen Eye. It has Ethan in its grasp and taunts Stella that she was the one who abandoned him. Ashen Eye proceeds to test Chise in a game of finding Ethan and Elias before sunset or else the former would be taken away forever. Chise wins and reunites Stella and Ethan. However, the Ashen Eye provides some advice that’s relevant to anyone who’s said things that were never meant to be said.

The theme behind Stella’s search for Ethan revolves around an argument she had with him. Both were outside in the snow near their house and Stella told Ethan to dress warmly or else he would get sick. Ethan refused and both lashed out at each other. Ethan told Stella that he didn’t want a sister like her and to leave him alone; Stella told Ethan to run around in the cold for all she cared while leaving him outside. It isn’t until Ethan is gone missing that Stella starts to panic.

The Ashen Eye takes advantage of Stella’s “disregard” for Ethan. It proclaims

“Words are sound given soul, and written letters embody fragments of spirit. Once another being has heard and felt them, they cannot be taken back. In particular, foolish words so uttered thoughtlessly are so light that they may be easily twisted into a curse. 

There’s no telling what may hear these words...and take them to heart. Reflect on how fortunate it is...that you did not wish for his death.”

I think it’s safe that we’ve been through tense times with family members that are always on our backs about stuff. My mom gets on my case about various things, including what to wear outside during cold weather. I do think that there’s a tendency to let others know that what we’re saying is right. We want those close to us to believe that, which can lead to a number of misunderstandings along the way.

Why does this continue to happen even though people are trying to mean well? One reason is that they’ve been through certain situations and make it seem that anyone should follow their experiences. Another reason is that they don’t want to put up with someone’s behavior due to stress. Of course, not knowing how to manage anger is another important reason.

A key point about Stella and Ethan is that they are both children, 10 and 8 years old respectively. Stella acts mature for her age, so she feels a need to be protective of Ethan. Ethan just wants to have fun without Stella nagging him. Perhaps it comes down to the idea that people want to solve problems as quick as possible. It’s hard to handle a lot of discomfort when things go wrong. Therefore, they try to provide help to solve their problem and not fully grasping the problem of the person that’s troubled.

What Ashen Eye does is provide a lesson on navigating through emotions for both children. Children are smarter than you think as Stella and Ethan realize they really needed each other during the ordeal, but they don’t always understand emotional nuances to a certain degree. Also, as Ashen Eye stated with its words above, it makes note about the threat of abandonment. Children are very sensitive to it because they need their family to care for and protect them.

After reading this story, I can’t help but wonder about the words I’ve said that hurt family and friends. I once threatened to abandon my family years ago. While we were all in China for vacation, I decided to get away from them because I was angry being around them. I walked around a certain part of China with my lack of fluent Chinese. I managed to do fine and did come back to them, but I realized over time, that it wasn’t a good thing to do on my part. I needed my family, just like they needed me. I think I just wanted a little more attention at the time. No one was listening to my concerns, so I threw a tantrum. I had another moment like this last year with my mom and the argument got very heated. 

The Ashen Eye had some final words for Stella and Ethan, even though it later admits that it wasn’t serious about destroying their bond.

“Human words hold power. And we (the spiritual beings) who dwell beside you listen. We hear. Remember that. And we are not alone. Those who dwell in a higher realm, those who hide in darkness and shadows...we are all watching you. “

I think a bigger lesson to all this is that children’s words should have power. When Ethan was captured along with Elias, Ethan talks about how family makes him feel loved despite disagreements, which makes Elias come to a realization about his relationship with Chise. I feel that children are often ignored because of their lack of life experiences. They have fears and insecurities like adults do. A lot of bad psychological experiences found in adults stem from childhood. I listened to a story about a 10-year-old girl dealing with anxiety and her father’s alcoholism. She sounded like a better fighter than most adults as she came up with a practical solution to deal with her anxiety.

In a world filled with nature that enchants us, children are perhaps the real magic of life.