#and he doesn't deserve them but he wants them anyway and he wants them to want to be with him despite it all!!

[jackwolfes]

CALL IT EVEN Wesper | 9.6k words | E Exes to lovers meets fake dating and also some sub!Jesper smut Read the full fic on AO3

happy new year, @intosnarkness! 💖

“Before you tell me to fuck off, I'm only here for my Da!” 

Wylan's grip tightens on the edge of his front door. The urge to smash it shut anyway and break Jesper’s fingers where he's clinging stubbornly onto the door frame is not insignificant. 

The icy wind makes Wylan shiver. His socked toes shift on his door mat. It is incredibly annoying how pretty Jesper's grey eyes are, even staring out from between a neon purple scarf and that stupid orange hat. 

Haughtily, Wylan sniffs. ��I wasn't going to tell you to fuck off.” 

“Can I come in, then? It's cold.”

“Don't push your luck.” 

Jesper shifts from foot to foot on the exposed balcony outside Wylan’s cheap apartment. He scratches the back of his neck. “Right. Listen, Wy.” He clears his throat. “Wylan. I have a favour to ask.” 

A single brow quirks. Wylan wonders absently if Jesper has forgotten how to read his expressions after… has it been a full year yet? 

“A favour.”

“Yes, a favour. A winter festival gift, more like. Seriously, can I come in?” 

Wylan heaves a sigh. “Ghezen and his works. Fine. Keep your shoes on.” 

He steps back further than he probably has to, certain that he does not want to risk brushing against Jesper if he can help it. Jesper keeps his distance, too, which hurts more than it should. 

Obediently, the lanky Zemeni man keeps his shoes on, but his eyes dart around the entryway. “You went through the trouble of repainting the place but still kept that ridiculous duck painting?”

“Why are you here, Jesper? And what does it have to do with your Da?” 

Jesper winces. “Right. It's a bit of a long story.” 

“So start explaining.” 

Jesper tugs off his hat. He's shaved his head again, likely recently. If Wylan isn't mistaken, he's pierced his ear again, too. Frustration mounts from the base of his spine, weaving up and clenching tight around his lungs. He picks up the mug of tea he left on the sideboard just so he has something to do with his hands. 

“I want you to come home with me for the festival.”

Hot tea and a not insignificant amount of Wylan's spit flies through the air. Jesper recoils, but not fast enough. 

He drags a hand down his face, grimacing. “I deserved that,” he says, to the chorus of Wylan's hacking cough. “Saints, are you alright?” 

“No!” Wylan wheezes. “Ghezen, Jesper, why on earth do you think I'd want to spend the holidays with you and your father?” 

“Because it beats spending them in this dire apartment alone?” 

The pain cuts deep, digging right down to bone. Icily, Wylan says, “That's how I spent the festival last year.”

Again, Jesper winces. “Wylan, I—”

“I shouldn't have opened the door,” he interrupts. “Have a good festival without me.” 

“Saints, Wy—” 

“You can't just show up at my apartment after a year and ask me something like this, Jesper! I don't care whether you feel sorry for me—” 

“I don't feel sorry for you! I swear, this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with my fucking father, alright?” 

Wylan stops. Wariness crawls further up his spine. “What does this have to do with your father?”

It's a little uncanny, the way Jesper cringes in the same way he used to. He tugs at the lobe of his ear, fingers fidgeting every so often with his earrings. Months, it's been, and he's still so… familiar. Right down to the way he scrapes his teeth over his bottom lip and sounds so fucking sheepish when he says the most irritating things, like — 

“He… doesn't exactly know that we aren't engaged anymore.” 

Wylan's fingers clench around the handle of his mug. His voice cracks as he weakly manages to sputter out a question. “Excuse me?” 

Jesper scrubs a hand down his face. “Listen, it isn’t the easiest thing in the world to explain—”

“That you left your fiancé two weeks before the winter festival.”

At that, Jesper refuses to look him in the eye. “Yeah.” 

[Read the full fic on AO3]

[tenderhooked]

touch starved river dissertation and stalker frank please owo owo owo i love this i love your work forever and your examinations of touch starvation always hit the exact spot

GAAAAAAAAV WAUUGH I LOVE YOUUUUU WEEPS. as always so much of my writing and these fics is all down to you and your own writing mwah mwah <3

i got another ask about stalker frank so i'm gonna consolidate that into another post, which means :) i'm gonna yap about touch starved river dissertation this whole post :)

so! touch starved river dissertation. in many ways, exactly what it says on the tin: touch-starved river is real and true to me, and i wanna talk about it. so. this fic kicks off with river in hospital after being shot by a bullet that was meant for lamb and river jumped in front of. louisa's there, and she. she just grabs river's hand, when he wakes up, and the gentle warmth of her touch awakens something inside of him that has maybe always existed but that he's never had reason to let surface. it's like. he just craves love, and affection, and now he has a friend who is maybe possibly willing to give that to him. but he can't ask, because that would be shameful, and he doesn't deserve to have that love anyway. so. that's the first part of this fic!

the second. and the uh. the one that somehow hurts me even MORE. is the lamb of it all. because after river is released from hospital, lamb is there to pick him up. and as they're driving home, things take a severe turn and lamb essentially just. well. he's furious because river took a bullet meant for him and that scares the shit out of him, and in order to "protect" river he:

“Don’t fucking sir me,” Lamb spits, and River stiffens. Spine straight. Eyes forward. Perfect little soldier. “Before you turned up on the doorstep, do you know how many agents I had to carpool from hospital, or—or, or, here’s a tricky one, how many of them bled out in the street alone because their colleague couldn’t get it through his thick skull that unless he’s behind a desk the rest of his days he’ll keep getting them killed? Zero, Cartwright. Fucking zero. D’you know why?” River’s jaw works, and he means what he says next to be flat and hard and just as vicious as Lamb is being, but instead it’s strangled and tiny, like the dying squeak of a mouse caught in a trap. “N-no.” “Well, they all got it, didn’t they? They learned to keep their heads down and mouths shut. Yet you, you seem incapable of obeying orders, and you’ve dragged the rest of us right down with you and those mistakes you keep lugging around behind you like… yeah, like corpses. They’re infecting us. You’re infecting us, Cartwright, and I’ve got to get rid of rot when I see it. Health inspections, they’re fucking brutal this time of year.” “Are you—are you firing me?” “Christ, no. I haven’t the time. ’Sides, this is about teaching you a lesson. You’re gonna sit at your desk, day in and day out, regretting every moment that you didn’t quit back when you had the chance, until you’re blue in the face and too angry to care about being the fucking hero. Then… well.” In his periphery, River can tell that Lamb is staring at him, now, only he can’t figure out what the expression is. He can’t look. He doesn’t want to know. “Then, we can reconsider the termination of your employment.”

and this conversation kicks off the second prong of this fic, which is that lamb is grappling with like. the sudden realization that he cares about river, that he loves river like a son, and that he came this close to losing the idiot kid because he let their relationship go further than it was supposed to. so, to lamb, the obvious solution is to cut river out of his life entirely. unfortunately (spoiler) this uh. doesn't work so well!!!! and it comes to a head with the touch-starvation of it all in suuuuuch a massive terrible way for river and i'm just. HOUGH. VERY THRILLED ABOUT IT HEHEHEHEHE.

[porcelainmothdoll]

Which genshin impact character(s) are you full on down bad obsessed with?

Wanderer. Not only because I relate to this man so bad but also because he looks so bbg. Also has a very cool hat. I am holding back the urge to yap endlessly about this man. But I absolutely hate how the fandom keeps mischaracterizing him or sexualizing him. Like okay, sure. Be horny for him and all that but stop making him be a fucking sex slave and everything. I may be part of the Scaranation but most of the Scaranation disgusts me more than I dislike most people. Now I know I said be horny with them or whatever but don't be horny for fucking Kabukimono, this innocent little bb doesn't deserve that. Let him keep his innocence. It won't last for long anyway. I hate the fanon version of Scaramouche which is either like "Oh he can do no wrong!!" Or "Oh but he's just an UwU boii!!" Or shit like that because NOO. You're missing the entire point of his character. He was a puppet. He was misled into thinking everyone betrayed him and he did horrible things. The point of erasing himself from Irminsul was not just because of self hatred, he wanted to reverse his terrible actions. It didn't, he has to live with the guilt of every single mistake he has committed and overcome it. He is not a femboy, he is not UwU, he is not a sex doll and he can do wrong. I know this is a fictional character in which it doesn't matter what you do with him, so I'm not gonna be like those Scaramouche fans that bash and wish death upon people for including the tiniest thing relating to Wanderer just because he's their comfort character. I'm not gonna gatekeep him as long as people start treating him with some goddamn respect. That's all I want for him. For his fanbase to give him some space and respect him or at the very least sympathize with him. Now, if you don't wanna that's fine. Walk away. But you shouldn't take your hatred for him out on anyone or anything, in real life. If you hate him, that's okay too. People can have their opinions but don't go bashing people for it.

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

[httpvomitello]

hi again!! early new years greetings–i hope ypur holidays went wonderful for ya!! <3

if it's alright, i'd love to request a male!reader x draco malfoy hcs!!

I'd love for their dynamic to be 'grumpy x sunshine' coded, with the reader bright, positive, and bubbly (aka a ray of sunshine!!) that's also a hufflepuff and LOVES to bake and paint (he totallyyy doesn't paint draco, whattt made you think that???)

I could totally see an option where Draco got forced to hang around the reader for whatever reason and on his part, it's enemies to lovers and for the reader, he's just totally oblivious to this man's rage and is the physical embodiemnet of ':D'

I'd love to see this dynamic and how draco drals with this 'golden-retriever' type of guy–that eventually becomes his partner!! What do other people think of them being together, why is the reader so nice to him, how did they meet, etc.

Hello, hello! Sorry it took me a while to reply, but anyway, I hope you like it! And happy early new year!

Grumpy x Sunshine *⁠.⁠✧

draco malfoy x m!reader

It all started with detention. You, a cheerful Hufflepuff who had gotten caught painting a "masterpiece" on the castle walls, and Draco, serving his own punishment for being a bit too mouthy with McGonagall.

You took one look at the sulking Slytherin and decided to brighten his day.

“Hi! I’m Y/N. Isn’t this just a lovely opportunity to spend time together?” you chirped, completely ignoring the withering glare Draco shot you.

“Who the fuck is this human, and why am I stuck with him?”

Draco was initially irritated by your endless optimism and constant attempts to chat.

You? Completely oblivious to his disdain. You thought his eye-rolls and sarcastic comments were just his “funny little quirks.”

Over time, your kindness started to chip away at Draco’s walls. You’d bring him freshly baked cookies

“I made extras, so I thought of you!” and talk about your latest painting projects.

“I didn’t ask for cookies.”

“Oh, but I know you secretly wanted them.”

Draco, begrudgingly eating a cookie “Maybe.”

For Draco, it was enemies to lovers. Every interaction left him both annoyed and… intrigued.

You’d compliment his hair, offer to teach him to bake, and flash that beaming smile of yours. It drove him mad.

“Why are you so nice to me?” he asked one day, exasperated.

You just blinked, confused. “Why not? Everyone deserves kindness!”

“You’re insufferable.”

Little did you know, Draco found himself looking forward to your encounters. Your positivity felt like a breath of fresh air in his otherwise dreary world.

The moment Draco realized he had feelings for you?

When he stumbled upon one of your paintings and recognized himself on the canvas.

It wasn’t just a portrait—it was him, looking softer, almost serene. You’d captured something he didn’t even recognize in himself.

He confronted you about it, flustered and defensive. “Why would you paint me?”

You laughed nervously. “Oh, um… practice?”

Draco, staring at the painting, murmured “This idiot.”

Once Draco gave in to his feelings, he became fiercely protective of you.

He’d grumble about your endless optimism, but deep down, he adored it.

“How do you manage to be so cheerful all the time?” he’d ask, half-annoyed, half-awed.

“Because I have you to grumble for me,” you’d tease, earning a rare smirk.

Your dynamic became the talk of Hogwarts. People couldn’t believe Draco Malfoy was dating such a bubbly Hufflepuff.

The Slytherins?

Mixed reactions. Some were shocked, others found it hilarious. Pansy Parkinson teased Draco relentlessly about his “sunshine boyfriend.”

The Hufflepuffs?

They loved it. You were a walking ray of positivity, and they couldn’t imagine anyone better to thaw Draco’s icy demeanor.

Harry and Ron were suspicious at first, but even they couldn’t deny you seemed to bring out a softer side of Draco.

McGonagall secretly approved. “Mr. Malfoy seems… less insufferable lately,” she remarked to Flitwick.

Draco wasn’t one for public displays of affection, but in private? He was all in.

He’d watch you paint, fascinated by your talent. “You make it look so easy,” he’d say, trailing his fingers across the canvas.

Baking became a shared hobby. Draco wasn’t great at it, but he’d try just to spend time with you.

He’d even let you sneak a kiss on the cheek while he grumbled about flour getting everywhere.

You balanced each other perfectly. Your warmth softened Draco’s edges, and his quiet strength grounded you.

He admired your ability to see the good in everyone, even when he couldn’t.

You, in turn, loved seeing the softer, vulnerable side of him that he rarely showed anyone else.

Draco often joked that you were like the sun—blinding, inescapable, and impossible to ignore. But he’d never want to live without your light.

And as for you? You’d happily spend your days painting portraits of the boy who taught you that even stormclouds have their silver linings.

[iminaworldofpureimagination]

convinced they just think males can't be abuse victims. dont see anyone defending moxies dad who acutally succeded in killing his wife don't seen anyone defending blitzs dad or stolas dad.. who are abusive fathers. but stella.. gets all the defense just cause she's a woman.. it's very telling. we have way more shitty dads than moms in the show and they want to scream its sexism to make stella an abuser like givemeabreak.. Wifes can be abusive

seen it float around that due her being married young i is a good reason for how she acts but its no excuse to abuse stolas.. as it wouldn't be an excuse for him to abuse her . the whole we need to think of how she felt she married young too falls flat cause there is never a good reason to abuse people. he didn't have a say in marrying her either.. a forced marriage doesnt mean you can abuse your spouse.

while cheating is never a good thing people act that they were in love the whole time and stolas betrayed her when that wasn't the case at all. .. she's mad cause he slept with someone deemed inferior and ruined their image it had nothing to do with her feeling hurt because someone she loved cheated. when she was just mad and embarrased of how dare you cheat on me with a lowerclass person.. not because i love you and you betrayed me. and so many keep acting like thats' the case when it wasnt. that they were madly in love and stolas ruined it all. . when it was more complicated than that.

sure she could have more development but to many are gonna use it to go SEE she's the victim andStolas is the Abuser .. and it doesnt sit right with me.

.. im so tired of stella defenders not understanding you can like a villian and not defend everything they do. I liked Adam from HB and he's a geocidal sexist POS. I have female favs worse than STella but seeing people defend her abuse the view on male abuse victims is troubling

they would be the ones to say Men can't be victims. He probably liked it anyway.. as the lines her saying he just.. stare at the wall while she.. went at it was .. concerning.

it seems they want stella to have an abusive past to give her an excuse to be abusive and go See there' a reason she's abusive she's the real victim here . When a tragic past wouldnt excuse anything just explain things

its possibley at the start they were doing their best they were young and stuff people can get worse all the time and people aren't abusive all the time either they have good moments and thats prob what via would remember .. but to act like stella is a pefect mom when via seemed to be rather spooked by her at the end of matermind she backed up before pull into the hug and her having drawings of her/stolas but nothing of stella i telling . Via was closer to stolas and now is left with her abusive mom of course she's angry about it.. its a bad court caes of a child is left with the abusive parent but you also love them cause their your parent.. doesn't make the mom any less an abuser just cause the kid loves them. I know that firsthand.. i have a abusive mom they never went as far as he does but the . so this abuse apolgism really does hit home to me. there is far to much victim blaming by stolas haters at this point.. it gives off the impression they dont care if men are abused.. they must deserve it.. and moms can't possibly abuse their kids..

im just so tired of seeing stella defended.. cause.. viz hates woman.. when there are 3 abusive dads and one abusive mom and mammon a father figure is an abuser.. but one abusive woman =sexist writing? doesn't make sense to me..

“Stolas should have stayed evil.”

“Pilot Stolas is better”

My brother and sister in Christ you can’t even handle Andre, Stella and Valentino three of the most horrible and abusive characters of the show what makes y’all think that Stolas staying an abusive asshole would’ve been better????

And yes I’ve seen people that have said multiple times that Stolas and Stella’s roles should have reversed. Why do you want to watch a woman be a domestic violence victim? That’s equally bad as being a male domestic violence victim.

[mamawasatesttube]

thinking abt kon getting hurt/upset about something big and clark bundling him up in his cape... ouuhhhhh souperfam save me...

[pocketgalaxies]

beau and caleb butting heads so bad about what to do with essek...oof!

[shannonsketches]

[ruvviks]

The Dobrynin family is a corpo family through and through, rooted in Arasaka and Orbital Air going back by several generations; though their powerful position within the corporate world ends with the children of Nadya and Matvey Dobrynin. With Vitali and Daniil fired from Arasaka and Kang Tao respectively— the former indirectly getting his parents fired, too— and Roksana having refused to set foot within a megacorporation from the start, the family begins crumbling apart at the very seams when clashing interests lead to grudges, betrayal, and pointless acts of revenge. ↳ read the unrevised fic here if you're interested!

taglist (opt in/out)

@shellibisshe, @florbelles, @ncytiri, @roseeway, @stars-of-the-heart;

@lestatlioncunt, @katsigian, @radioactiveshitstorm, @estevnys, @adelaidedrubman;

@celticwoman, @rindemption, @carlosoliveiraa, @noirapocalypto, @dickytwister;

@killerspinal, @euryalex, @ri-a-rose, @velocitic, @thedeadthree;

@kanos, @swordcoasts, @ordinarymaine, @claudiawolf, @strafethesesinners

[luvevee]

Getting into Mouthwashing is awesome until you wanna autistic babble to others about it only to realize most of the convos discussing the game are 95% about Jimmy and nobody else, please I want variety

[themintman]

My opinions on some ships and characters 😼😼😼

Ill explain some stuff in the tags if yall are curious hehe ALSO IN THE REBLOGS. TUMBLR SILENCED ME 😔💔

Template by @stervil !!!

[spydoclovr69420]

It is my saddest take today to say that Thoschei is so deeply doomed by the plot that the closest we can get is allusions to it.

If Thoschei were to happen, if they were to become friends again, they still wouldn't be able to see each other often, or it would ruin the format of the show. If they got together it would be even worse for the ratings (likely) because if the very pretty characters are together, then self-inserts are less likely, which makes people who like that a lot less likely to watch and enjoy the show as much.

These two aren't just doomed by the plot, they're doomed by the format. Without the Doctor out there saving people, they show doesn't happen. If it's just the Doctor and the Master together, then the show is lacking a character to relate to for the viewer.

Basically, the show can never do Thoschei really because it'll break the format. BUT that doesn't mean they can't do flashbacks to when they were young and happy.

Fanfiction is a holy medium.

[chirpsythismorning]

This is a continuation in exploring why I think Mike's character regression over the seasons can be explained in part by guilt, which he has yet to confront

Original post

Now we're onto s2, which jumps us ahead in the timeline a bit.

Mike has been calling out to El on the walkie for approx. 252 days now, under what he views as the false hope she might actually be alive. This is mostly based on the fact that Mike thought he saw El outside of his house a few hours after she 'died' (he did see her, bc she was there...) and so a part of him does think there's a chance. And yet this is also isn't something Mike seems to be comfortable talking about the others with.

Which brings us to the crazy together scene. Although this scene has a lot going on, there's one aspect of it in particular that I want to focus on, as it's the driving force for what is going to be discussed, which is that Halloween night was also the last night Mike called El, aka day 353.

I just want to preface what follows, with the fact that I do not personally think Mike giving up calling El, as a concept on its own, means that he couldn't possibly love El romantically or something. It's not even about that idea from an audience perspective. And this is because any average person, in reality, mourning someones' death, should not be calling out to that person for almost a year. Letting go doesn't make you a bad person, whether it was romantic, platonic or even familial. It's called healing and accepting what is and trying to move on and live your life.

Neither does Mike giving up after that night make him heartless or a bad character in my opinion. It literally just makes him human. But that also doesn't mean that's how Mike feels about it, nor does it mean that the manifestation of this guilt isn't going to affect his behavior over the course of the series, causing some very unfortunate choices on Mike's part to then lead to some very unfortunate events for everyone...

Where it starts to get sort of complex is that I think the whole point of the crazy together scene and where it ended up was to for it to showcase how Mike and Will were both willing to accept each other, despite these secrets they've been keeping to themselves.

Will revealed the truth to Mike about how he could still see into the UD, with the addition of seeing this big 'shadow in the sky', followed by asking Mike to not tell the others because they wouldn't understand. Mike then responds by saying El would understand, followed by confiding his own secret to Will that he's been keeping from the others, which is that he thinks he's seen signs that El could still be alive.

The scene then ends with them in agreement that if they're both going crazy, they'll go crazy together, with it arguably being their most incriminatingly romantic moment to date, as it juxtaposes other uncannily similar romantic mentions on the show involving that same word.

But no matter what happens, they're promising to support each other, specifically the weird shit they have going on and could presumably continue to explore that weirdness, without telling anyone else who might judge them for it or misunderstand their feelings entirely...

This is why Mike had no problem with Will going crazy in s2 because as promised, he was going to be right there with him. Also meaning, Mike COULD have had no problem continuing to test out his theory that El was alive, because Will would have supported him.

Obviously, Will sort of had his hands tied in s2 (literally?), but the point still stands. It's not like this was something Mike HAD to give up, because that conversation between him and Will instilled that they would support each other and what makes them feel crazy.

I think the issue though, is that what's causing Mike so much grief daily for almost a year now, is the guilt that came with El's death and him feeling responsible. And so, in contrast to Will's slightly more justified assumptions that what he's seeing could actually be real based on what's happened to him, it's like Mike is asking himself whether he's actually seeing El because she's still alive OR is he just imagining she's still alive because he wants to forgive himself?

A kid deducing that in their head would make them feel pretty awful, don't you think? Maybe even lead them to calling out to that person for almost a year in hopes that they might still be alive?

Meaning Mike choosing that night to walk away, to give up, is likely a result of his conversation with Will making him feel more comfortable with finally letting go of some of that guilt in order to actually start the process of moving on. Because a big part of why he didn't want to move on was because of guilt in the first place.

Also confiding in Will and only Will, not the others, who were hell bent on interpreting all of Mike's feelings for El as romantic, was maybe Mike's way of avoiding the pressure to associate his whole relationship with El as strictly romantic. With Will, maybe Mike knew he wasn't going to spin it into something like that. And he would’ve been right, because Will didn't.

October 30th, Halloween Night (Day 353 - Last call)

You cannot tell me that day 353 isn't framed as the last call. Like Mike is literally walking away dramatically, leaving El alone, with her now just a tiny dot surrounded by darkness. The way it's framed leaves the viewer genuinely feeling heartbroken because there's some very evident finality to what is being presented. And we even see that El feels it too, hence the episode cutting off dramatically with her tear filled eyes.

And so why did Mike choose THIS moment to give up? Why did he choose now to put his 353 day streak to rest? Like, that was impressive as hell. He could have easily kept that going, but instead he decided that this was going to be the last time he was going to try calling out to her...

November 1st (Day 354)

El is still pretty bummed that Hopper came home late last night, but I'm guessing she's even more bummed still processing what might have very well been Mike finally giving up that night too.

Although I don't think El would blame Mike for giving up, still, she too throughout all of this had been building up hope herself. El's been clinging onto the bond she made with Mike, specifically the romantic moments, to the point where she has been watching shows with romantic themes, putting herself in the position of the love interest.

So him not giving up, to El, has been a signal that what they are feeling between each other is very deep and... romantic. Him keeping this going this long is a sign to her that these feelings are pretty much guaranteed. And if he doesn't continue, that hope would obviously dwindle.

At breakfast that morning, Hopper acknowledges the TV cord peaking out of El's room, which is the device she uses to visit Mike from the void, all the way from the cabin. Without it, she is not able to 'communicate' with him, let alone see if he actually didn't give up after that night she feared he did...

Unfortunately her and Hopper have an argument after this, leading to her storming off to her room. And after Hopper is gone, El finds herself being so impatient to see Mike after almost a year of waiting, that she decides to take fate into her own hands. She isn't willing to wait until the evening, which is roughly speaking the usual time Mike uses the walkie to call her every night. She needs to see him now.

And lucky(?) for her, she does!

Finally! A SIGN! After almost a year of no signs that El is alive, since the night she went missing, Mike is getting a sign El is alive!

And he runs after it! He goes to check to confirm his (valid) suspicions, only for her to not be there, with Mike looking disappointed, but also kind of like he's accepted it's a lost cause at this point.

Mike's hope that El is alive and okay and the relief that would come with finally letting go of this massive weight of guilt, is not within reach. He just needs to accept it and let it go. He needs to forgive himself and move on.

On top of all of this, Will is experiencing his own version of crazy. And Mike seems more concerned with focusing on this and supporting Will, than holding onto this hope that El is alive.

So even though Mike just got a sign that El is alive (which parallels to the initial evidence of her being alive outside his house, what literally initiated him to call out to her for almost a year), he doesn't revert back to his approach of not giving up. He sticks by his decision.

The irony of what happens with El the same night that Mike doesn't call, for the first time, is not lost on me...

Tragically, El doesn't know Mike actually gave up (just like she feared he did) because she lost her ability to communicate with him that night.

I wonder how differently things would have played out if she new the truth. Would she have held onto this really romanticized idea of her and Mike's relationship because he never gave up? Or would she have maybe reassured Mike that it was okay that he gave up and moved past it and still hoped and tried to make it work? Honestly, I think the later.

Because again, it's not Mike giving up that makes him a bad person or something that refutes his ability to love her romantically, it just means that it's not true that he never gave up.

And Mike being the only person to know this fact... Um... Cannot be good for him.

October 2nd (Day 355)

As El is trying to revive a modicum of hope that she can see Mike again through the void, to confirm her hopes that he didn't give up, by using the TV like she usually does, she discovers that the cord is broken. It's a lost cause.

On the other side of town, Mike is entirely focused on Will. The previous night, he did not reach out to El. He gave up. And El is none the wiser.

The writers made the choice to have one more night that Mike could have called El because he was at home that night on day 354, a day that actually involved an incident that you'd think would have reignited his hope that she was alive, before he inevitably jumped head first into focusing on Will, with him not being home for the rest of the season. They could have shown us Mike calling out to El from the other side of town, and then cut to her in her room not knowing... And yet, they didn't...

This is where I jump to the end, because the focus primarily when it comes to El and Mike's arcs for the rest of the season are with El trying to find her mom and discover more about herself, while Mike is trying to be there for Will in any way he can.

The sad part is that despite Mike giving up and trying to move on from El's death, that guilt is never really going to go away. He gave El expectations that she had to risk her life to find Will, and all of that built up and inadvertently led to her death.

But maybe Mike can right the wrongs he had El endure by following through on his focus of not letting Will die too? Maybe if Mike can save Will, El wouldn't have died for nothing?

But with this guilt and Mike trying to overcorrect it all, he's also experiencing very real and emotional moments with Will. Will is his best friend, and just a year ago Mike risked everything to get him back. A lot of those moments he experienced with El in s1, moments mixed with romantic expectations, are now also lingering here with him and his friend in s2. Except these aren't forced expectations. Everything Mike’s feeling and doing the entire time comes naturally to him, with none of it requiring pushing or advice from those around him. It's just pure instinct.

In the end, Mike's beside Joyce and Jonathan, who are sharing memories they have with Will to him in hopes it will prove to them he's still in there and able to be saved.

This emotional sequence builds up to Mike using his own memory of Will to try to reach him, one that comes off as platonic in every sense of the word, but visually, and when looked at in the grand scheme of things, especially with what is about to follow and those romantic expectations with El soon being thrust back on him... Well... Shit is about to get real messy.

Upon reuniting with El, Mike was quick to want to tell her that he never gave up, only for her to interrupt him with the exact number of days he called (before he gave up).

This is news to Mike for an abundance of reasons. It means he's not crazy and that El actually was alive those two times he saw her. All this (survivors) guilt that's been building up over the last year could have been avoided if he'd known that she didn't die, that she was okay.

It also means that for some reason, El heard him, and yet she doesn't know that he gave up...

And here Hopper is, revealing that he's been hiding her the whole time aka the perfect person for Mike to take all of this pent-up emotion out on.

Hopper then tells Mike that they will discuss this privately, which I find to be very interesting because it offers a chance for the viewer to see just a glimpse into Mike's emotional state at this moment, without everyone around to affect his ability to truly open up about how he's feeling. And not alone just anywhere in the house, but in Will's room...

Mike is understandably upset because El is alive and Hopper knew this whole time and didn't tell him.

While Hopper didn't technically lie to Mike, at least not in canon because we never got an outright scene on-screen of Mike asking Hopper if El was alive with him denying it (all while knowing she was), it's at the very least a lie of omission...

But the thing is, if Hopper not clueing Mike in on El being alive qualifies as a lie of omission (off-screen), so does Mike not telling El he gave up (on-screen).

If anything Mike's lie of omission also qualifies as a plain old lie, because he outright told El he didn't give up (lied) and didn't correct her when she informed him she knew he didn't. She fully believed it, despite him knowing deep down that it wasn't the full truth.

So while Mike is taking all of his anger out on Hopper as this fighting match comes to a head, it takes a turn.

Hopper is fine with Mike blaming him, he says it's 'okay'. But it's not. Nothing about this is okay to Mike, seeing as this isn't even the whole problem. It's not the problem Mike's actually hiding within his outburst in the first place.

Suddenly Mike starts screaming to Hopper that he's a 'disgusting, lying, piece of shit', chanting LIAR over and over and over again, shoving him repeatedly, only for him to fall into Hopper's arms and start crying, with Hopper reassuring him that he's okay.

Something tells me Mike's emotions here aren't all about Hopper...

Something tells me that Mike's fixation with the word liar doesn't apply to Hopper here as much as it applies to Mike himself (in his eyes)...

The main reason why I think this is what's actually going on here, is because there was no reason to put so much emphasize on this concept of Mike literally walking away that last time he called her.

Why go through the trouble of creating this misunderstanding, by having the TV not work, with El not being able to go into the void to see Mike, THE very night he gave up, if to not plant the seed that this misunderstanding was going to bear some significance? That this misunderstanding (lie? lie of omission?) was going to lead to El assuming Mike didn't give up, all while Mike knows he gave up, but going along with the story that he didn't, for both El's sake and his own?

BECAUSE it's a surprise tool that will help us later!

I also think it's interesting that they decided to have Will go off and dance with a girl at the snowball BEFORE Mike decided to devote himself to El here on out. Like... that is quite the choice after a season of highlighting this bond between Will and Mike where they promise to go crazy together, which is a moment we know Will took romantically.... So, is it possible Mike also took it romantically? We know Will also took Mike's speech to him in the shed romantically, so is it possible Mike did too, with that experience only heightening his emotions and confusion over his feelings for El when he found out she was alive shortly after, leading to his outburst? But then Will is going and dancing with the girl, and here we have Mike's own version of falling behind (the Time After Time lyrics were more literal than you think).

What if they didn't do all of that? Would things have maybe panned out slightly differently if Mike wasn't under the (incorrect) assumption that Will didn't take those moments romantically?

While Mike's guilt might have started in s1, when he played the biggest role in pushing expectations onto El to help them find Will, only for her to 'die', it doesn't end there. Mike's guilt only builds when he holds the knowledge that he did give up hoping she could be alive, all while allowing El to believe the opposite based on what she saw, which was a guiding force for not only her love and dedication to him flourishing, but also for him to then shift his own version of expectations onto himself going forward to make it up to El by trying to be who she wants him to be.

We see how romanticized 353 days is interpreted exclusively as meaning Mike has to be in love with El. But he did give up. So what does that mean for all of this? For their picture perfect love story?

What does it mean for Mike to hold onto this truth, a truth that makes him feel immense guilt, only for him to spend the next year or so making it up to her...?

It means either Mike has to come clean, or he has to deflect and double down.

What option do you think a guilt-ridden, repressed homosexual kid in the 80's is going to choose?

Answer? Deflect and double down.

In s3, Mike is so focused on worrying about El (giving her what he thinks she wants) so he can right all the building up of wrongs he has done at her expense since he met her, and as a result loses Will in the process (where have we heard this before...?)

Instead of Mike having a moment in s3 where he acknowledges that he himself was the first to ever refer to El as a weapon in the first place, to try to save Will in s1, he's now turning around and blaming the others for using El as a weapon 'for no reason'...

No reason? Really Mike? Is it for no reason, or is it just not a good enough reason to you this time?

Or maybe has Mike just actually spent enough time with El now to truly feel a bond with her in order to see her as a full person, slightly outside of this imaginary superhero he's cooked her up to be when he met her that day in the woods, the day his life started because she was his first and only hope of finding Will? (I say slightly bc... I mean we all saw what happened in s4?)

I honestly think it's a mix of both...

I also think it's not a coincidence that Mike doubling down instead of facing the truth about this manifestation of guilt only makes things worse for him. And El. And Will.

Because suddenly he's choosing this moment to blurt out that he loves and can't lose her again, in front of everyone, even to his own dismay and shock. And when El walks in and gives him a chance to say it to her himself, like any person whose in love with someone would want to do, to make them feel loved, he looks terrified.

And when the season ends and Mike is given another chance to say it finally, to El directly, in roughly the exact same spot he had his emotional outburst in the previous season over finding out she was alive at the same time he was still grappling with losing Will again, IN WILL'S ROOM, he freezes. He just lets what happens, happen.

Because after everything, with El right now in front of him, telling him she loves him while being fully convinced he loves her too after everything they've went through, how could he possibly take it back, or try to make her understand his complicated feelings about all of this?

Answer? He can't.

As hard as it is to believe (not that hard honestly based on his track record), Mike's deflection and stalling era is just beginning...

[uselessnbee]

what i wish people would also explore more when it comes to Percy is the other side of his feelings about his mom about family and his childhood but this fandom is too afraid to paint Sally even in the slightest bad light (even if it's not bad just acknowledging her flaws because she's a human being and not perfect) that no one will touch on that subject. like yes Sally is the best mom but she also isn't and that's the thing! She isn't perfect! but she tried her best but her best still got Percy hurt and it isn't her fault at all but that's the tragedy of it. i want Percy's feelings about this explored. how he grew up with a loving mom but an abusive step father. how his step father would humiliate him and call him stupid but then his mom soothed him and told him he's not the things Gabe calls him. how Gabe would hurt him and Sally would be there to make him happy and loved but at the same time she stayed with him. i want Percy's feelings explored about how he knows his mother loves him but her absence still hurt him. she would work so much to have money to raise him she did that for him but at the same time it meant Percy was left alone or with Gabe. Sally gave up so much for him, she sent him away to protect him but at the same time he was sent away from his mom. she's the only parent he has because his father is absent and Gabe is not actually a parental figure at all but she's also often absent in his life too and that must have left him with such mixed feelings because it's not all black and white! Sally's love protected him but also hurt him. Percy loves his mom so so so much but there's also this deep-seated bitterness and hurt and anger he never let himself feel and then the guilt for having those feelings because his mom loves him he knows that and she gave up so much for him and she married a monster that abused her to protect him, he knows that but it doesn't make it hurt any less. the mess his emotions are because he knows his mom suffered for him and did it from her love for him but he still desperately wishes she never married that monster that he wouldn't have to have the childhood he had with him that he wouldn't have to live with the trauma he was left with. this all is exactly what makes their relationship so fascinating and also heartbreaking.

or the idea of Percy having weird mixed feelings after Estelle is born because that's his little sister and he loves her with his whole heart and would do anything for her and wants only the best for her but there's also this little jealous monster deep down that wonders why she gets to have a loving mom and a loving dad and a happy normal life but he never got that. why does she deserve it but not him? why couldn't he have that too? doesn't he deserve that too? he was just a child too so why why why??? and then the guilt of feeling that way too it makes me want to scream. emotions are fucking messy and they can be really ugly and they can make you hate yourself and there's no way Percy's feelings aren't a mess when it comes to this and i want to see it explored so badly!

and with Sally too! her feelings about Percy because she did so much and tried her best but sometimes unfortunately your best isn't good enough and it still got her beloved son hurt and she hates it and feels so guilty but she just has to live with that but she can't help to wish it was different. that their lives would be different. better. normal. she can't help but to wish she didn't have to do the things she's done, didn't have to suffer so much just to protect her child. can't help to wish she didn't have to worry so much, didn't have to be so scared about Percy, didn't have to be terrified that one day he won't come back home to her, that she won't be able to hold her son anymore because he will be gone, she just wishes he didn't have to suffer so much, she just wishes and wishes and wishes

and i just wish people weren't so afraid to explore this because it's so heartwrenching and yes if you want something do it yourself but unfortunately i cannot write nor am i able to handle this topic in a way it deserves so i am left only with rambling about it on here thank you

[finncakes]

a bit old and a redraw of this, but i miss these guys

[opens-up-4-nobody]

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