#and genuinely if ppl like it you probably did something better than you realize

[xo-adeline]

hello i have a bllk request!

so uh today i got hit in the face during PE with a football (we were playing football for PE and i was daydreaming about bllk boys 💀) and i wasn’t paying attention and got hit in the face and got a small cut on my nose 💀.

yet all i could think about was how my favourite characters would be laughing their asses off at me/judging me and the amount that would genuinely be concerned was a bit tragic. 💀

which led me to think of this potential fic idea. inexperienced reader who has probably touched a ball less than 10 times in her life, whose class is required to do football for PE (as much as i love bllk, i could never enjoy playing football myself.)

so anyways, her bf (chigiri, rin, nagi, bachira, isagi, reo, and sae) sees her get hit in the face and is ready to laugh at her, but starts lagging when they see blood. (sweet infirmary scene maybe 😍😍)

reader is absolute dog shit at football due to a lack of experience, compared to him, who’s on the mf school team. (hence why they were in different teams.)

overall i’m just feeling a little mortified over the little accident and i think it’s gonna scar 💀 but watching other ppl, even fictional, suffer with me just makes me feel better lmao. it’s fine if you don’t wanna take this request or shorten the list of characters tho 🫶🫶

(my injured nose hurts as i’m typing this 😭😭)

OMG It’s been a couple days so I hope your nose starts feeling better!! But you're so iconic for thinking about Bllk boys when you’re supposed to be doing something else- Also Anon if you want me to go more into detail about some of the like infirmary and nurse scenes just lmk and I can totally make a part 2 and go into more detail!

Chigiri Hyoma -> Sadly this man did actually laugh at you, but then when he came over to check on you and realized there was actually blood he got a little nervous and did actually take you over to the nurse/infirmary/whatever else people call it -> Though when he brought you and the nurse said he was fine to go back he almost fought the person working in the nurse's office and they let him stay and keep you company -> He stayed by your side almost the whole time and did make fun of you a little bit, I mean it was a little stupid (HIS WORDS NOT MINE, I've had the same thing happen just with no blood) though he does kinda feel bad that it was somebody on his team that did it, though he won't ever tell you that -> He does eventually, after you stop bleeding, scold you a little for not paying attention, even though you don't know how to play you should at least be paying attention, though if you ask ever so nicely (aka he also hits too it) he'll at least teach you how to defend yourself from being in a situation like that again (It's his way of showing that he cares and doesn't want you getting hurt again<3) Rin Itoshi -> He will rush over immediately, I mean as much as he likes to win he doesn't wanna see you get hurt in the process, he could clearly tell the way the teams were set up was quite unfair, having the good players on one side and the bad ones on the other -> Checks around for injuries, all while grumbling that you should have been paying attention and not off in whatever world you were in -> When he realizes that you're bleeding though he stands you up, not too fast just in case, and takes you over to a teacher, letting them know that he's taking you over to the nurse/infirmary/whatever else, and then makes sure you get there safe before heading back -> Only goes back because the person working there said it was fine if he did and not because he wanted too, in all honesty he wanted to stay with you to make sure you were okay, as much as he didn't sound or look like it -> tries to take his mind off it by going back and playing more, but going against a team of lukewarm nobodies doesn't quite hit the spot for him so he just ends up worrying even more Nagi Seishiro -> The second that he saw you get hit he waited for a second and when he saw that you didn't bounce back like the people on his team normally did he made a slight effort to move a little faster to go make sure that you were alive still -> When he walked over and saw you were bleeding, he got up and let one of the teachers know, since he wasn't exactly sure what to do. They ended up making him help you to get to the nurse/infirmary/ whatever else, and when get got there he just kinda sat on the chair next to you, even when they told him he should go back to class -> He was kinda over football right then anyway, and he would have much rather stayed with you, way less of a hassle for him away, he would have also had to walk all the way back to the class and that's way to much work -> So instead he just stayed in there with you, and like everybody else kinda scolded you, or more in his case, lazily warned you about not paying attention when football are being passed around Bachira Meguru -> As soon as he witnessed you getting hit in the face with a ball, he laughed. No questions asked. -> Though as he was laughing he came over to check on you, at least to make sure that you were already and when he realized you weren't he quickly stopped laughing and tried to find somebody to get tissues or like really anything -> Gladly took you to the nurse/infirmary/whatever else you wanna call it when the teacher ask him to walk you down/over/up there. He def giggled about you getting hit in the face and was so curious about what you were thinking about before it happened -> Another man who is staying with you, Manz is not leaving until you leave, no matter what person tries to send him back to class -> Also, he's never gonna let you live it down Isagi Yoichi

-> This sweetheart! The second you got hit, he was right by your side (now if this was a match in Blue Lock, eh things would be different, but since he most likely wasn't trying all that hard since it was like people who actually knew how to play vs people that didn't he didn't wanna destroy anybody)

-> He helped you up and grabbed tissues and the whole nine yards, made sure to get you some water and everything like that, even volunteered to take you down to the nurse/infirmary/whatever else you wanna call it to make sure that you got there safe, and got some water on the way

-> When he got there, def was such a sweetheart to the people who were working and how concerned he looked for you, they didn't even ask him to go back to class, they just let him sit next to you and hold your hand and even almost all let out an "aww" when he would ask how you were every few minutes

-> Though once you started feeling better he would try to explain that you really have to be paying attention when you play, but also give you some help in learning ways to defend yourself against said flying footballs Reo Mikage

-> Another sweetheart, while he did slightly chuckle at you at first, when he jogged over and realized that you were bleeding he started worrying, asking people to grab him basically anything, which knowing Reo's popularity at school everybody scattered to grab something

-> Walked you up/down/over to the nurse/infirmary/whatever else you wanna call it, and while he did also laugh on the way, teasing you slightly about if you were thinking about him, he was still pretty worried for your safety

-> Would sit in the infirmary/nurses office/whatever else with you the whole time, making sure that either the bleeding spotted or their wasn't any bruising or anything along those lines

-> Another one who would wait to scold you, he needs to make sure you're okay first, and he will tease you the whole time about getting hit in the face with a ball, and you'll never live it down

Sae Itoshi

-> Brother Like Brother

-> Will wait for a couple seconds just to see if you can take care of yourself, but when he realizes you're bleeding he walks over pretty fast, pushing anybody out of the way

-> Gets somebody to grab some tissues or something, or just anything to stop the bleeding as he takes you down to the nurse/infirmary/whatever else you wanna call it

-> Unlike his brother, he will stay, even if people tell him to head back. Why would he, it's not like lukewarm players will actually change anything for him

-> The staff might be a little pissed off at him later about his mean comments, but that's an issue for later.

-> He'll also ask every couple minutes if you're okay and if you need anything, but he won't sound as nice as Isagi when saying it. He will also call you dumb for not paying attention and getting hit in the face (but later on he'll also smile and chuckle at the thought)

[soullessjack]

another thing that really sucks about how the show went with jacks arc is like..he honestly did not have that good of a support system lmfao

yes the guys tried their best with very little to go off of in a LOT of areas yes I do have numerous posts and tags detailing how dean showed support but just LISTEN

the thing with characters that fall under specific archetypes (living weapon/monster-that-doesn’t-want-to-be-a-monster here) is that they usually have someone, or several other people in their life that. well. Support Them. like. shadow had maria to tell him that he could be whoever he wanted to be. the iron giant had Hogarth to say he is who he chooses to be. you get the idea. and yea, sam and dean and cas did eventually get to that point with jack — like dean even said in 13.06 that if jack is a monster for a single innocent death, so are he and the other guys for every death on their hands.

that’s fine and dandy and i wish more ppl acknowledged it but whatever but there’s also the faith part of it. Hogarth had enough faith that the giant would choose to be good and be his friend that he risked the other choice that would cost him his life. Maria (in the gens game) had faith that shadow wasn’t like black doom and wouldn’t join him. as much as tfw loved jack and genuinely saw him as their kid (which frankly makes it even more painful), when the chips were really really down they just. they didn’t fight hard enough for him honestly. i think even sam said that to dean in 14.19 or 15.03 (or whichever ep had the vampire kid) and he’s right.

bobby didn’t even consider the possibility of mary’s death being an accident. he gunned for jack like he was waiting for it to happen — waiting for the evil shoe to inevitably drop. i know cas tried to defend it, but “he may not have even realized what he did was wrong” is so flimsy I’m sorry cas it just doesn’t cut it (and it was very very wrong in the end anyways). sam and dean are still reeling from mary’s loss and don’t even know what to think, much less what to argue for or against. and I feel like.. how they really really felt, it was just littered in some dialogue here and there. Cas saying he knew something was wrong with jack and hiding it so their family didn’t fall apart, Sam saying they all knew [taking in] jack was a risk and yada yada. their general consensus was basically “yea we loved him but we always knew he might secretly have evil rabies and now that he’s evil it’s our fault for loving him so much we pretended he didn’t have evil rabies.”

and listen. i get why it went this way. i’m probably the biggest fan of Beloved Monumental Threat jack and functionally-dysfunctional TFW2.0 but like. it still hurts. and it hurts even more so when you pair it with jack’s psychotic subconscious hallucination telling him things like “stop pretending to be something you’re not, stop trying to go back where you don’t belong and you’ll feel so much better about it all.” literally looking nauseous for four days straight because he lost everything he ever had overnight and knows everybody thinks he’s Too Far Gone But He Really Isn’t So Please Let Him Come Back. eating a cactus would be significantly less painful and harrowing.

don’t make me tap the sign 👉 [JACK SUBCONSCIOUSLY THOUGHT OF HIMSELF AS THE PET MONSTER OF HIS SURROGATE FAMILY. PET MONSTER. ARE YOU HEARING ME. OEF MKNYDR]€.

im reaching incoherency here but what sucks even more than all of that is that there’s no payoff to it. never any apologies from the guys or Bobby or resolution on jacks end. They just keep putting him in saw traps and then wondering “maybe he shouldn’t have been put in there” and once he’s freed from the saw trap nobody says “sorry we put you in a saw trap buddy you never deserved it and we were wrong to put you in it” and it is so so maddening

[lynn-tged-posting]

tged webtoon ep 158 spoilers and thoughts but mostly it's just me laughing my ass off and also speculating on what happens, im still working on the novel but ill finish it soon trust <- has like ten billion different things she wants to do at the same time

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ARCOS AND MARBELLA IN THIS PANEL WAS ME FOR MOST IF NOT ALL OF THIS CHAPTER HELPPP LMFAOAOOO

javier you absolute fiend you ,,, you've learned so much,,, /aff

i figured that javier would tell them at least a semi-truth, or something like that to tide over the count/countess,,, their expressions here made me so worried for a moment,,,

LIKE THESE UUAGHGHHGHGHHHH that kind of anticipation is terrifying tbh like "has our son been dead this whole time, have we been living w someone else??" and the imminent grief looming over that thought i think got translated really well here the blank irises and the shadowed face im so ,,,, ueueueueueue

AND THEN TO GET HIT WITH THIS

HELP MEEEE HAHAHAHA BRAZEN JAVIER ROBOFACED JAVIER ITS REAL HES REAL LMFAOAOOOOO

OF ALL THE THINGS JAVIER COULD HAVE DONE TO GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION HE DECIDED TO EMULATE LLOYD I GIGGLED SO BAD I STARTED COUGHING

AND THE FULL COMMITMENT TOO TO THE BIT AND MAKING IT SEEM LIKE HE'S MORE FOULMOUTHED THAN HE LETS ON . AND SINCE JAVIER IS NORMALLY SO DEADPAN IT JUST. WORKS I GUESS HAHAHAHAHA THIS IS CRAZY

insane genuinely fucking insane i couldn't stop laughing HAHAHAHAA like this is completely absurd but the fact that it's coming from javier, someone who the count and countess completely trust at the moment, someone who's been by lloyd's side this whole time,,, PELASE HAHAHFHADHFDHSHAHA

the count and countess reacting too got me giggling a storm HAHA

also also early webtoon lloyd makes an appearance again i think it's really fun that the artist gives him the hairstyle from back then, before they changed his hairstyle heehee

oh his undershirt is also missing that X that's usually there in the current tged style too i didnt notice that at first but another little callback!!!

AND THEN JAVIER FINISHING OFF THE BIT WITH. SEPPUKU??? WHAT THE HELL ALDKFJLSDKJF ?!?!?!

I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO THIS LIKE HE DIDNT HAVE TO but i guess it did kind of knock the count/countess out of their stupor bc by seeing something so insane from javier they think javier rlly regrets giving lloyd BRAIN DAMAGE LAKJDFSHDF FUCKING BRAIN DAMAGE

i did see some ppl say that its kind of odd that they thank javier for this and thats fair yeah i dont think id be ok w finding out "oh one of my loved ones gave another one of my loved ones MEMORY LOSS"

but i think it could be that they're relieved to find out (or are inclined to believe) that their lloyd is "still alive" - he's just changed, not dead (except he is dead, so javier succeeded in fooling them without telling very severe lies)

honestly with how their expressions were they were probably expecting the worst, esp w all the evidence stacked against lloyd. can u imagine that despair, realizing that the person you've finally come to love is not the person you thought they were?? that the person you thought you had a second chance with, wasn't that person at all? i bet all those regrets were washing over the count and countess all at once,,, and then the relief that comes when it's revealed (when they're lead to believe) that no, it's the same person. this second chance was with the same lloyd, not someone else. that's still their son. oooooh imagine the relief, the realization that you don't have to mourn, you don't have to grieve for a death that happened under your nose

i think that's why they reacted this way, instead of worrying over javier wacking lloyd upside the head; like, what matters now is that lloyd frontera is alive (to them) and that both lloyd and javier have grown and changed themselves and the estate for the better. that the child and the knight they raised have a bright future and isn't that what any parent wants?

tho ofc they dont realize that their assumption is not the truth, but well they dont need to know that,,, for everyones sakes,,, nice play javier

when lloyd shows up and we saw this panel i thought we were gonna have a nice moment between the two of them where lloyd thanks javier for covering for him and hiding the truth but then-

THESE TWO FUCKING IDIOTS HAHAHAHAHAHA /AFF

I LOVE THEM SO MUCH THEYRE SO DEVIOUS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA

and then lloyds conversation with the count/countess after PLEASE

yknow this is kind of like that bargaining strategy where you propose something completely absurd and crazy so that the other party says no, but then you offer your real request that is objectively tasking but the other party thinks of it as lesser than the former request so they'll grant it . whatever the heck that strat is called thats what this feels like HAHAHAHA

AND ARCOS TRYING TO LOOK OUT FOR LLOYD AND

AHFGSDLJKFSDGHH THRTHOWS UP

lloyd says "all i need is for you to stay healthy" and god that fucking. hurts ouw ouuuhhh owiee oww BUDDY U CAN HAVE BOTH U CAN PROTECT UR FAMILY WHILE ALSO RELYING ON THEM!!! LLOYD!!! LLLOOOYYYDDD

and yet of course this is smth that suho!lloyd would say ,,, he wasnt able to help his parents w their struggles back then but now he can and now it's all he wants to do ,,, i cant even explain how emo this exchange makes me i can't quite put it into words even after a whole day of sitting on this,,, especially after the events of 157 like lloyd im worried abt u!! he doesnt even realize he doesnt even realize the overwork the possible spiral that can come from trying to preserve this aghhh AAGGHHH

sorry for losing it anyways moving on, the title effects linking yippie!!! it was super fun seeing all the teams and all the people he's brought together,,, truly this was our greatest estate development /j

ALSO JAVIER BEING BY HIMSELF ON A TEAM LMFAOOOO "the team that does everything" HAHAHAHAHA

AND THEN AND THEN the last reveal of this episode THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN HELLO!@?!?!??!@?!?@?!@! OH MY GOD

raphael looks a litte different here i could've sworn he was a turtle /j

BUT YEAH HOLY SHIT WOW i mean it makes sense, if theres a hell theres probably a heaven, and there was that line that javier said where he was like "alicia liking lloyd is more ridiculous than suho actually being an archangel" MAN I SHOULDA SEEN THIS COMING LMAO but im still excited to see where this goes

like the jewel of truth construction being ILLEGAL? what r they gonna do??? like,,, take the parts away?!?! how will lloyd avoid their like, divine punishment or whatever?? is it considered a crime to start mythical construction??? i wonder what their ruling will be

also the exiled student guy (forgot his name) and lupellan what r they up to will this interfere w them?? or with lloyd? a lot of stuff lined up oh GOD lmao

anyways thats all for right now, as always i yap more on my twitter if youd like to see more shenanigans from me, see yall next week!! !!!!

[rawbin-hsr]

The previous anon articulated it so well bc I just saw what they're talking about and I'm honestly confused why they thought u were saying anything wrong like 😭😭 are we sure we have the same guy here? Aventurine while yes knows what being loved feels like, he's gone through enough things and changes in life that that little frame of reference won't serve him well, especially within a romantic context bc he doesn't have ANY reference.

I read what you wrote as him not really meaning to (even reread) and yeah, he wouldn't Purposely want to be abusive to his romantic partner, but it still borders on it. What a lot of ppl get wrong is that, emotional abuse doesn't have to always mean the perpetrator is fully aware of it themself.

Maybe bc I myself have bpd, but it's so easy to see. When someone's avoiding negative feelings they have about themself (jealousy, insecurity etc) they can easily externalize this blame (and for him, that's so much more likely, it's literally a defense mechanism) or even, projecting his own view of himself on how you view him only to end up upset. (And then, the random clinginess that comes after this pushing away, why would it happen if not for trying to convince you to stay even though what he keeps doing is generally not a good thing to do in a relationship?) He wouldn't have known healthy attachment, didn't grow up with a safety net to be comfortable with that, hell, he thinks people closest to him (in canon) are sort of "tolerating" him. Are we really surprised?

Like, you never said aventurine is doing it with intent or even awareness bc yea he isn't!! He'd realize some of his actions sure, but stuff like "pushing you away" is probably shit he genuinely considers good for you, and it's not even like completely wrong he's in a high and risky position. Doesn't mean it wouldn't hurt like a mf, and I think that's the biggest tragedy of it all, because he doesn't fully realize how bad his actions are from another pov, and it's not like a single Convo can get him to understand that.

Anyway, sorry that was a lot more incoherent than I thought and I was firmly stating a lot of things bc I can pull up stuff to back my claim but ALSO bc they pissed me off if u don't like something just scroll I've been doing that for years on this app I never felt the need to go yell at someone bc I don't agree with how they interpret a character 😒😒😒😒 I hope ur feeling better, rsd sucks ass I always get so overwhelmed whenever I experience it but ur intent came across very clearly actually dw

I’m literally in tears I’m so grateful multiple people are taking the time to reassure me thank you so much 🥹🥹🥹 I was really doubting myself and my own take on him, it makes me feel so relieved I’m not the only one who has this specific take on him haha I was lowkey worrying I was a terrible person for a moment there 😭

And yes, exactly !!!! I think you were very coherent in this, in fact I think you formulated what I meant to say better than I did 😭😭 Like there’s a lot, a LOT of nuance to it !!! He never does it out of malice. He just doesn’t know any better. He tries to do what’s right and what’s best for you, he’s just… kind of not good at that because his whole perspective is skewed.

I do still think they were right that I shouldn’t have used the word ‘abuse’. It’s a very loaded term, and I think abuse requires a power dynamic, which is something I think he would try to eliminate in a relationship. Like, yes, he is a powerful man and he sort of needs some leverage to stay in control (of both his own life and his relationship with you), but I think he fucking hates the idea of being “above you” in any way. (Though to be fair he still could unintentionally create an uneven power dynamic — he’s the one mostly in charge of when the two of you interact. I think he loathes himself even more when he realises that.) I think it would be best to stick to the word “toxic” because it feels most fitting from my pov

[tojikai]

I just finished the “home” series, i just found your account yesterday yet all that’s left for me to read is “permanent mark”🙃

Like the “fix you” series, i ended up with alot of questions which is weird because i don’t have any for sundered but then again, im more of a toji girl

Questions:

- why did toji cheat?

- What happened in their marriage for it to get like that?

- did he ever truly fall out of love?

- do you have any plans for another story series?

- what would’ve happened if she hadn’t died?

- would’ve he regretted it or come back to her eventually?

- did he think of her daily after her death?

- how was he feeling after her death, years after?

- why did he put his mistress over his wife?

- Does he love his mistress more

- what’s up with the whole thing he did/him putting her over his wife

- what was his thought process when it first happened and after it kept happening

- ik he said he didn’t love hana but why would he cheat and basically put her over his wife if he didn’t?!?!

- i read 3 out of 4 stories so far and it seems like there a pattern of dudes putting someone they think they love yet don’t over someone they do or love more, is there any reason’s for it

Just me rambling about the story and your other stories:

I know he did but i hope toji suffers so so so much more until his last breath! (He did but I hope it felt like it was infinite for him😌) also Fuck hana! Wtf😭😭 if only toji didn’t fuck up bro its so sad, im hating yet understanding him?? If that makes sense, actually no not understanding but sympathetic towards him in the first ending ig but still fuck toji!!! I felt bad for him and then the next life chapter??? With his thoughts wtf and putting hana over y/n again😭 fuck toji!! he basically emotionally cheated if i was y/n i would’ve lefttt!! I swear your y/n’s are saints compared to me shhsjs

Your stories are so beautifully written yet so sad

I love them even if i might hate the love interest lol

Im More of the resentment type so it feels so silly to say this especially over a fanfic(but then again all of yours are so wonderfully written) but your stories i guess have made me possibly see things in a different light: like ppl do make mistakes and can change or genuinely regret them or that people can maybe hurt the people they love which is so weird for me to say because its a story and also im the type to refuse to believe you can love someone after you treated them so badly or cheated on them. Ig ur stories have made me realizes humans make mistakes and they aren’t BAD people for it butt the pppl they hurt doesn’t have to take them back nor forgive them or they can and it lean to something better than what would’ve been if they ended things

Note:

Im so sorry if im asking too much and i hope im not bothering you, i just tend to talk alot regarding things that i get invested in and i get so curious sbsjsj

Im probably writing this much because im so sleepy right now haha (my apologies especially if i wrote so much nonsense or I didn’t write/explain things wellh

thank you in advance if you answer 🫶i appreciate it, have a good day/night🖤i hope y enjoy the remaining of summer! Tysm for creating these masterpieces ‼️

hiii omg thanks so much, im glad that you enjoyed them <3

- to answer the first 3 questions: toji cheated bc he was bored. i have no excuses for this man in home series bc he really cheated bc their rs was getting a bit dull for him. do u know that point they say in some lovers' relationship. the drought, the feeling similar to "falling out of love" but they say not to leave your partner during this time bc that's when true love begins? yeah that. 🥹 he didn't really fell out of love but it's like a similar feeling to it.

- as for plans for another series, i'm thinking of doing a mini one. i have a draft here just waiting to be polished and published.

- if yn didn't die, hmm... assuming they stayed together, it's gonna be a very dead relationship. bc yn is so so tired. not just emotionally but mentally too. she's gonna have a hard time believing that toji still loves her even if he tried to explain. she's gonna be very reserved and visibly uncomfortable around him, thinking that he doesn't really want to be w her and just staying out of pity. she's gonna limit herself, and the love that she shows him. it will ultimately end in divorce, and he's gonna end up not wanting to sign it.

- yes, toji would've still regretted it even if yn didn't die. he's bound to come back to yn eventually. the day he left, he never planned on staying with his mistress for long. he just went there bc he was frustrated and he's trying to run away from yn's confrontation and the consequences. deep inside he was hoping that yn won't push through w the 'divorce.'

- for the 7th and 8th question, yes toji thought of yn every day and every night. the onyl time he's not thinking of her is when he's swarmed with work. but even during those times, his mind wanders to her still. the feeling that he felt when he learned of her death and discovered how she prepared everything for him and his new life was how he felt his whole life. it was never lessened. if anything it only got worse w time.

- for the 9th, 10th and 11th question: no, he didn't love his mistress more than yn. he left and put his mistress over his wife bc he thought that's what he wanted. there was a sense of thrill, the feeling of being with someone new that pushed him to act like that. as mentioned in the home series, his pride took over and he thought that that's the freedom that he wanted but it wasn't. it was too late when he realized that. you really don't know what you got until it's gone. he thought yn's gonna be there forever and that's why he kept choosing to go to his mistress not knowing that yn's days were numbered and that he's about to lose her.

- when he first cheated w her out of pure lust. there was no deeper meaning to it. and then it kept happening bc he found escape and thrill in it. other than that, she gives him a different type of attention, something new.

- w hana it was the attraction that made him act like that. im not saying all people, but some tend to be nice to attractive people and they don't even notice that to impress a new one, they end up neglecting another one. other than that, it's bc they work together. he doesn't plan on getting it on w her tho. he loves yn.

- i just like the thought of them making mistakes to learn from LMAO but i guess the difference is in fix you, his wife's dead. it's the lack of appreciation for the present and being stuck in the past. while in sundered, uhm it's a lot of pride and he did love Naomi tho. she was so good to him. (except that 'thing' she tried to do)

it makes me happy when people say they learn something from the content i put out🥺 the fact that you guys read my masterlist also makes me happy bc it makes me realize that literature really do make something immortal AAAAA i enjoyed reading this and answering your questions~ thank you so much for the love and support you give my stories <3 hope you're having a great week ~!!

[vitos-ordination-song]

Sobriety has been weird. I could discuss it further but for now I’ll just focus on how breaking my psychological dependency on all substances has coincided with an ability to sleep. My earliest memories, going all the way back to when I was a toddler, are of not being able to sleep. It started when my parents adopted my second brother and they moved me to a room of my own. I was terrified to sleep alone. I never had nightmares really, though I can remember that being how adults explained what was happening to me. What I had was sleep anxiety—anxiety about the period before sleep. In third grade, it got so bad that I don’t think I slept more than a couple hours a night the entire year.

Some of it stemmed from fear, little kid fears, which are actually deeper and longer lasting than most people realize. I had a kind of existential dread and terror of the unknown which I still recall vividly. It’s also connected to being unable to stop thinking, and being unable to give up conscious control. I can remember having loop after loop as a kid where I would realize I was falling asleep, and just realizing it would prevent me from sleeping. I started to dread going to bed—it built up into such a huge thing in my mind and I would be nervous about it all day.

Finally, my parents completely mismanaged the situation and made it way worse. I’m not sure why they’re like this but they genuinely believed that everything their kids did that bothered them was on purpose. My brothers were punished for wetting the bed, and I was punished for not sleeping. There was a literal panopticon situation going on where they would check on us all night and get mad if we weren’t sleeping. How relaxing. When I started seriously freaking out about sleep, all I got was annoyance. I had many a long night standing completely frozen outside the living room, listening to my parents talk (often shit talk about their kids actually), until one of them got up to get more alcohol, saw me, and shoed me away to bed. It got so bad that I eventually asked them if I was demon possessed, completely seriously. Christian brain will do that to you.

Anyway, I kept having sleep issues to varying degrees as I grew up. I was chronically exhausted during my miserable high school years. The overt anxiety lessened, but I had an aversion to going to bed—I used to wish and wish that I didn’t have to sleep, that I could just have all those hours to myself. Growing up in a controlling home with three siblings probably had something to do with it; I reclaimed the night as my time to make myself feel better, after long days of unhappy work.

A lot of my troubles started with that awful stay in a mental hospital. Family issues forced me in and I was only allowed out if I took the drugs. Lexapro sent me into a horrible sleepless night. My concentration broke, I couldn’t focus, I felt scared, disoriented, dizzy, and I wanted off the damn things. When I complained that the drug was just making me sick, the doctors just prescribed me seraquel, a powerful antipsychotic, to make me sleep. And make me sleep it did! I was highly sensitive to it, actually halving the low dose they gave me. If I took one at 6pm, I would fall asleep around 9, sleep the full night, and be up in time for my freshman college courses. It was a relief to be able to sleep, even if they were a bit too powerful for me, and I took them a long time after I stopped Lexapro. I’m definitely weird bc I hear that other ppl had a lot of side effects from it but it only ever made me sleep.

So that was where the association of using a drug to solve my night time problem began, I suppose. I never liked the Kaiser psychiatrist so I stopped going even before I distanced myself from my family. I also didn’t like that seraquel would take up so much of my day—I would sleep 10-12 hours on it, and I’d also have to take them early because otherwise I couldn’t wake up. I ended up only using them to ensure a night’s sleep when I really needed it, and I’ve long since run out.

In 2019, my life went off the rails, and I started drinking. I was doing weed before that, but drinking is where things really went haywire. Notably, in both cases, I’ve only ever used at night. The anxiety was there—like, I’m not gonna be okay unless I’m doing a drug at night. Only the drug will help me cope with the time I have to kill before bed. A lot of that had to do with loneliness and the many problems in my life. Drinking would just put me to sleep with no problem, while weed would help me dissociate.

Even this last year when I’ve been more sober, only doing weed on the weekends, I still haven’t been sleeping the other days. I just never wanted to. I resisted it. And I never felt like going to bed, I never got sleepy, sleep was rarely appealing to me, except in the mornings when I had to get up for work.

I’ve been thinking about getting sober, taking a long term break from all substances and doing them more sparingly, ending my psychological dependence, for some time. It tends to happen all of a sudden for me, and I’m glad it’s finally clicked. I’ve been feeling really good, healthy, more energetic despite recovering from sickness. I knew I’d be healthier if I stopped doing weed regularly. But I was not expecting to have the sleep problem solved. That goes back so far in my psyche.

It must be that I’m healing the thing that caused both my addiction and my sleep problems. I feel more and more mature lately. I’ve been thinking about maturing for a long time, thinking about changing myself, but I had many frustrating years where my desires weren’t aligning with my actions. All of a sudden, things are clicking into place. The fear is subsiding. The deep rift in my personality is closing (this is where I could talk more about how weed actually helped on this front but I’ll leave it. Suffice it to say that getting sober was the last stage in the process). I’m letting go of control, learning to relax, and becoming more in tune with my body. I can sleep now. I want to sleep now. I want to dream. I want to have flying dreams like I had when I was a child.

[aro-culture-is]

Writer aro culture is loving to read and write romance as long as it's not Romantic™ but one day accidentally you write Romantic™ romance because you're off your game and people seem to be appreciating it a lot and you just can't wrap your head around that because how??? This is so cringy I want to throw up when I read it and I'm the one who wrote it?

(as a sibling of a writer - do try to remember that often, you will be your own worst critic. you being off your game can absolutely be better than you acknowledge - mod kee)

[kendrixtermina]

Distinguishing 5 vs 9

(This started out as a reply but then I realized that it should be its own post/ could be helpful to more ppl than just the recipient or my usual blog readers)

It’s worth noting that a 9-fixed 5 can absolutely present as somewhat “soft”, shy and/or conflict avoidant, and that 9s can absolutely come off very philosophical & intellectual, especially if they’re, like, Ne aux. Also, as both are in the withdrawn triad there would genuinely be shared behavior patterns. 

That said, for this one there’s 3 good litmust test questions:

a) “What do you do when you’re talked at unexpectedly or suddenly asked if you can do an errand for someone”.

The more randomly the better cause that way one is more likely to just respond on automatic.

Basically, (& this has been confirmed to me by numerous accounts) the 9 is much more likely to humor the rando for a while or get sidetracked from whatever they were meaning to do, even if they may be annoyed or kick themselves for it afterward. “WTF did I agree to this? I thought I was chill with this but actually it does bother me/ piss me off... ” are common types of experiences. Priority sorting is not a strenght or at least takes deliberate effort.

A 5 generally would kneejerk default to either excusing themselves immediately (”ivegottogodosomething”) or limiting the scope of the interaction once minimum politeness has been served. They’d tend to have their priorities immediately present (”If I say yes to this now then I might not be able to do what I wanted to do this afternoon...  ugh theres never enough time...”) - they would be far less likely to agree to something they don’t wanna do & if they did, it would be the result of a considered deliberate decision. (often of the form of ”lets meet my quota for now so they’ll shut up about it & let me be”)

b) “Are you a forgiving person?”

This isn’t always conclusive but often if you ask this the person will say something that clinches it one way or another.

9s can and do disappear on ppl sometimes but generally letting go on old attachments can be a struggle & they’d rather get along if the option exists &  might be the sort of ppl who’d prefer to at least forgive inwardly for their own peace of mind, & will at least generally give ppl the benefit of the doubt, second chances etc.

5s may actually tend toward keeping grudges.  You only see that mentioned in a few sources because it doesn’t fit the general stereotype. (that, and because, unless pushed, they’d simply avoid whoever slighted or angered them, so maybe only their spouse or their bestie knows that they loathe that guy from work.)

- not every individual does, because it doesn’t seem worth the drama or, they’re trying to be objective about it etc. but even then there still tends to be a “once you’re out, you’re out” policy - not generally the sorts to stay friends with their exes.

c) When someone’s trying to type themselves: “What degree of inner running commentary do you have? How much do you “interpret” your experience moment to moment?”

Specifically in a random every day situation like walking down a street, not a setting where everyone would get their thinky gears spinning, like trying to solve a task oriented problem.

None too long ago I came by this excellent writeup on “how to write a 9 as a 1st person POV character” (by a 9 writer)

Especially this bit here:

I wouldn't use metaphors/similes if I were writing myself as a close POV. If I'm watching a sunset or enjoying a flower or something, I'm not cataloging, comparing, capturing, or evaluating it, I'm just experiencing its existence as itself. For something pleasant, my thoughts might momentarily narrow to the equivalent of a long, satisfied sigh.

That’s honestly a little hard for me to imagine.

For contrast, this here is a 5 - and you can tell from the last paragraph that they are probably 9-fixed.  (The person didn’t know their type yet, so this is an almost completely untainted account) As you see, it’s almost the total opposite.

Which is super fascinating when you think about cause those 2 types can be among the most similar as far as outward behavior goes, especially if you grab yourself 2 specimens of the same mbti, yet at the same time the inner experience is night and day. 

What’s especially striking is how the experience of being struck by beauty leads this person to a lowering of activity rather than an increase of it. (I’m guessing this may be common for all the head types & gut types respectively. Some 3s, 2s or 4s please describe their experience of The Pretty for me so I can complete the set)

Earlier today I was sent a picture that made me go  “Wow this is so beautiful actually” though it was, like, a half eaten apple sent to me for the humor of eating it differently than expected.

But because it had been eaten from the top, & the core had this five-rayed structure, almost like a star, that isn’t visible when you cut it like normal, mostly cutting into the core from the sides.

I realized that it is from the structure of the flower - apple blossoms have 5 petals and of course the inner structure of the flower, the stamens, the ovary etc. also has that star-like symmetry and the fruit grows out of the inner parts of the flower. So there was an echo of a long-faded flower in that apple.

I suppose a star shape is pretty in and of itself, but much of me response came from superimposed layers of interpretation, not cause a half eaten apple is so appealing on a sensory level.

[thefanficmonster]

Hello<333 May I request headcanons of Connor walsh when his fem s/o who’s usually kinda mean and a lil distant gets really drunk and accidentally starts telling him how much she really loves him and how she’s just scared of getting attached to him because she’s used to losing ppl she really cares about?:’)

Sure thing dear! Enjoy 💕

Pairing: Connor Walsh x Reader (Female) [How to get away with murder]

Warnings: Minor usage of derogatory terms (bitch), Drinking/Drunkenness, Swearing

Genre: Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Angst, Drunken Confessions, Romance

In the beginning of the relationship, no one knew why Y/N and Connor were even dating

As time brought him closer to the members of the Keating 5, he started confiding in them little by little about his personal life, more specifically the romance department

There’s always been room for a roll in the hay in Connor’s book, but the romance had been lacking significantly

Until he revealed that there was finally a spark in there somewhere

A spark for a girl who he agreed to be nothing but friends-with-benefits with

And who slowly inched her way into his heart despite what people who don’t know her well enough would think

He didn’t care for a second opinion from anyone because no one had ever seen her the way he has

He’s seen her enthusiasm in the morning when she wakes up to sunny skies

Has been a witness to her melodious humming as she waters her neatly upkept plants

Has rescued her from the aftermath of her own cooking failures

He’s seen and been with her through some of the best, worst and most interesting moments that no one else had the chance to catch a glimpse of

So, regardless of what his friends would say, he’d always defend her

“She sounds like a bitch, why are you even with her?“

He’s heard that one about a hundred times and each time replies to it in a similar fashion that clearly states said line should not be repeated in his presence if the other person doesn’t want to leave the establishment with a bloody mess for a face

Truth is, honest to God, he had no idea why he was with her despite not being with her with her

To put into more accurate terminology: he didn’t know how these feelings came to be nor did he know how to extinguish them

Soon after his confessions, he was slapped across the face with the realization that maybe opening up to the Keating 5 was a bad idea

Mostly due to the fact that they laid a solid but certainly uncalled for one on the girl, Y/N

They told her all the things he’d been biting back behind clenched teeth all this time without even blinking

And if there had ever been a recipe for disaster, it was probably false, because a new one was created that day

After being told what they did - which they did in a manner that made it seem like he should thank them - he didn’t even give himself any time to blow up at them for interfering with something so personal

He simply ran out the door and hopped into his car, trying to call Y/N several times in the process, getting sent to voicemail every time

Tracking her down in person proved to be a lot more simple but also a little bit too late

He found her already on her third drink at a bar they frequented together most nights when they just wanted to not be alone for a drink or two

And man was she not happy to see him

If anything, the alcohol seemed to be working in Connor’s favor because it deluded her anger, throwing it in a mix with genuine hurt and sadness

“Y/N, I’ve never said those things to them! Not like that at least!“

“Right, so they pulled all those detailed accusations straight from their asses, huh? I mean, I know y’all are supposed to be good lawyers, but that’s next level!“

“Y/N-“

“And why did it seem like they thought we were dating? They kept saying crap like you deserve someone better than me. Like, no shit! I get that I’m a cold distant bitch at times, or all the time, but damn! In no scenario do four random strangers have the right to say that to me! One girl even called me a bitch! Is that how you describe me to your friends? Why do you even talk about me in the first place?! Are you worried about your reputation of a conquest man so you wanted to appear as someone who’s settled? Don’t bother, no one’s fucking falling for that but if you decide to do it again, try not to drag my name through the mud, ok?“ Shooting back the remainder of her drink, she continued: “God, and to think I was developing feelings for you! Good thing I didn’t spew ‘em before or I’d feel extra bamboozled right now.“

“You don’t get to say that!“ He’d had enough

He put up with her speech and was ready to put up with anything more she had to throw his way but he couldn’t and didn’t want to put up with it any longer when she brought feelings into the mix

Her confusion left her momentarily speechless, giving him the time to go on his own spiel, “You don’t get to talk to me about feelings when you’ve been neglecting and undermining mine all this time! I try so hard to get you to see that things are no longer the same for me but it either flies above your head or you’re purposefully ignorant to it, and I don’t really care which is it. Your feelings don’t get to be served first when mine arrived first and were belittled every time you chucked the idea of a proper date between us in the trash with no more than a snort of laughter! Where was I supposed to go with all my problems when you were the source of them? I get that what they did was wrong and I’ll make sure to sear it into their heads, but if you wanna hear me say it - here it is: They thought we were dating because I didn’t want to seem as pathetic as being head over heels for someone who saw me as nothing more than an occasional fuck! There!”

Thang God the bar was practically empty, but the bartender who was observing this from the other end of the bar was petrified as well as entertained

The anticipation was palpable in the air as a long silence hung in the air following Connor’s dramatic confession

His eyes spoke volumes of how hurt he was, but they were in no way comparable to Y/N’s when they welled up with tears she tried so hard to suppress

“I didn’t want to risk losing you, Connor.“ She admitted heavy-heartedly, bottom lip caught between her teeth as she finally averted her gaze, “In such a short amount of time you became so important to me....that could only spell out disaster for me. That’s what my life is like. People come and go, I know that’s a basic fact, but I hate losing them. I hate seeing people go. And hell...I never wanna see you go. So the easiest way to never have you leave is never let you in my life fully. Does that make sense?“

It did make sense and on a personal level at that

And no matter how hurt he was, he understood and refused to let her hurt too, especially not without his comfort

So, his arms as if on autopilot, wrapped themselves around her, enveloping her in a familiar embrace she'd dubbed her safe space

"It does make sense, Y/N. It does make sense, but you have to understand that as someone who's always been closing himself off, I know the pain it brings. It may be lesser than the way you'll feel when someone leaves but that is in no way a good way to live. You will never truly be happy. So tell me, please tell me what I have to do for you to let me in? What does it take? No matter what it is, I'll do it cause all I've ever wanted to do is make you happy, see you smile, hear you laugh. That's all I ever want, Y/N. And think about it, why would I ever leave your life if all I wanna do is be a part of it?”

She has never thought she’d get to see this side of Connor

As shallow as she’ll sound for it, she’ll admit she wasn’t even sure he had it in him which is also incredibly hypocritical of her when she too keeps such a large chunk of who she is hidden

She’s taken aback, but the alcohol in her system is not about to let her remain speechless for long, “It’s not always up to you.”

“Which means it’s not up to you either.“ Connor replies, taking her face in his hand, swiping away the tears spilling down her cheeks, “Then why don’t we just do all in our power to be together and hold onto each other even when the world tries to tear us apart?“

His words bring a smile to Y/N’s face, the sun rays through the rain of her tears, “Yeah...why not?”

“Precisely.“

Why not? 

Who knew it was that simple?

[el-moscorrofio-y-el-mercachifle]

Calderón AU— Part 5

Same warnings as ever! You can find all the ptevious parts by clickling the "Calderón AU" tag!💕

((Good lord i hate me cuz i have finally found the draft for the Calderon AU i did like three months ago and I missed A BIG STEP. I hate me for this. Imma pretend I did it on purpose and add it here lol))

“En realidad, Betty, usted me gusta mucho,” says Mr. Mario, still standing at the other side of her desk, in the dim light of the her desklamp. There is a slight, soft smile on his face, but his eyes are dark under the little light of the suffocating room.

Needless to say, Betty is speechless.

It is quiet obvious, when she thinks about it later that day, because what other reason would a man have to keep bringing her gifts like these?

In any case, right now, Betty is shocked in silence. Mr. Mario chuckles lightly, in a way that any other woman would have found charming, before speaking again.

He says he can see she’s surprised, and he gets it; it was a shock for him too when he first realized. It was strange to imagine a man like him being actually in love.

It probably didn’t help, either, that he actively made efforts to hide his feelings, he says. He just… didn’t know what to do or how to act, he says to Betty.

Truth is, the “i didn’t know how to handle my long-held feelings so I hid them” is actually a good excuse Mario has used a few times when suddenly he got interested in a specific woman that before didn’t catch his attention enough. Play it off as a “i was just repressing my feelings, that’s why you didn’t notice. I was actively trying to hide them”

This is a tricky technique, 50 50 chances of working… but due to Betty’s (presumed) inexperience, Mario thinks it will work.

He’s not totally wrong, but also, not right, either. Betty’s just confused.

He can see that, so he continues: “perdóneme, Betty, si la tomé por sorpresa, es sólo que… no quería sefuir ocultándoselo. De verdad, usted me gusta mucho.”

Betty at this point realises that she probably needs to say something, and so, she lets out a nervous laugh, and stops looking at him as she answers. Yeah, she’s surprised, she says. She would have neber guessed and…

And… what? Calderón realizes Betty doesn’t know what to say. Clear indication it is not reciprocrated. Okay, then. Let’s go smoother.

“Yo entiendo que esto fue muy repentino, Betty pero… por favor, déjeme demostrarle que le digo la verdad. Permítame llevarla a su casa.”

Betty immediately rejects the idea, but Calderón takes it as a sign of absolutely bothersome modesty, because this a-hole of a man cannot comprehend the idea that a an ugly woman truthfully rejects his advances.

He is quickly coming to realize just how annoying her stubborness is, but his annoyance is well hidden under his prince charming's facade. It's not the first time he's dealt with way too modest women, after all.

Truth is, obviously, that Betty isn't being modest. She genuinely doesn't want mr Mario to drive her home.

Somehow, he ends up winning at the end. Betty's only request is that they wait a little before going out together because, apparently, she still has stuff to do. Mario assumes this is because of Armando, and he's right about it, but pretends he doesn't know and agrees

It's better for him that way. He trully doesn't want to be seen with murcielaguín.

By the time they leave, Armando (and the rest of the ppl, but Armando is the only one who actually matters to betty, Mario thinks) has already left Ecomoda.

The car ride is awkward for Betty, starting with how Mr. Mario opened the door for her. It is a nice gesture, very gentlemanly, but she can't stop thinking how she wishes it were Mr. Armando who did it.

During the ride, Mr. Mario tries to make conversation and eventually gets Betty to talk more than in simple short sentences.

For Mario this is all very annoying. It's not hard or awkward, just boring. There is no fun in the chase if you don't really want to catch the prey.

It's all the standard questions: how did your day go, what do you think about X, do you like Y. No real chemistry anywhere, but Betty wants to think, eventually, that it's at least a sort of naturallly flowing convo. He even let her choose the music, she thinks to herself trying to be positive in a very uncomfortable situation.

Once they reach Betty's house, Mario stops in front of her house and turns to look at her. He asks for forgiveness if he's pressuring her, and says that he can feel her uncomfort. He asks if they can be friends.

Betty reluctantly agrees

Mario smiles as softly as he can and tells her that, if she doesn't mind, he could continue to drive her home at night

"Yo sé que usted es una persona muy privada, Betty, y no me gustaría incomodarla poniendo su vida privada al aire. Si gusta, podemos repetir lo de hoy y esperar a que se vaya la gente para salir," suggests Mario, praying that she accepts. He doesn't wanna be seen with Mostrichátala and scare away all the beautiful models or ruin his record. "Se lo digo para evitar rumores o malos entendidos con otras personas, Betty, nada más."

Betty of course, agrees. She doesn't rwally want to be driven home, but Mr. Mario looks so insistent, and she knows he's her boss's best friend, and on top of that, the Vice President. She feels obligated to say yes, so that's what she does. She tries to tell herself that keeping him as a friend is not a compromise.

Don Mario once again tries to open the door, but Betty refuses, fearing that her father can see them.

"No, don Mario, no se moleste," she says, "es que mi papá podría estar viendo y no quisiera que lo malinterpretara."

Mario insists (and good lord, he's so fucking tired of begging this woman for everything), saying that there is nothing wrong with this, but Betty, this time, doesn't concede. When it comes to her dad and his image of her, Betty is much more adamant. Mario notices this, and saves this knowledge for later

Mario waits until she goes inside before driving off.

Now, this whole thing may sound very similar to how it was with Armando in the show, but it's not really. Armando was evidently tense, awkward, and just internally screaming that he didn't want to be there. The car rides were filled with tense silences. Mario is none of this things, and the car ride was filled with falsely enthusiastic conversation and soft jazz music. He is lying completely, but he's not awkward or tense about it. Anyone who saw him would absolutelt believe he's fine, calm, happy, and mote importantly, genuinely interested in Betty.

He knows Betty is smart and he needs to put up an absoljtely perfect show, or otherwise, she'll notice something's off.

Good Lord, how exhausting. No wonder Armado didn't want to do it!

Sooo! Here it is! Finally part 5! Sorry it took so long haha what do you think about this part and the developments it's taking?? Please comment and share🥰🥰

[skeetusmcyeetus]

I’ve making headcanons about all of my hyper fixations for a while now and just dumping them on my friends so I’m gonna also dump them here.

If you’re into All For the Game , My Hero Academia, ATLA, The Raven Cycle stay fuckn tuned my doods bc I have a loooot of stuff rattling around my empty skull.

Not all of these are 100% mine some of them are already pretty popular and I’m expanding on them or I heard something similar and edited it to my own tastes

I’ll separate them by series,,,

Theres like one canon that’s mildly nsfw

TW: drug abuse

Mha/Bnha

pro hero kirishima’s Red Riot™️ merch is insanely size inclusive bc he wants fatgum to be able to wear the hoodie that kiri’s pr team sent him but that’s not all,,

If he wasn’t super gay and in love with Bakugou he’d be very Into BBWs so again his merch is super size inclusive bc he wants everyone to be able to wear it

The company that makes the merch also takes requests for special made merch for people who’s quirks interfere with a “normal” size or dimension

ALSO ,,,,this man(kiri) is built like a fuckn MACK TRUCK OKAY he is 6’7” and cannot fit through doorways without ducking and turning a little to the side ,,, he is broad And still wears no shirt™️ ,,, this being said ,, bakugou is still around 5’8” and pretty slim don’t get me wrong he’s extremely strong and toned but he’s not huge,, it makes flying easier if he stays a little lighter ,,,,,,, the point is,, sometimes kiri will pick up bakugou with one arm and bakugou can’t even pretend to hate it anymore

Also,,,, fatgum has to use special pens and keyboards because of how big his hands are,,, he’s literally 8’2” I won’t take criticism on this

Fatgum actually loves wearing red riot and sun eater merch

Allmight and Inko start dating and one day when they’re out someone comments on how much all might “looks like a skeleton” and she absolutley lets loose on them for being so vapid and shallow and how “he’s risked his life to save people like you more times than you have ever even thought about being helpful in your life and it would serve you well to treat someone who’d die for you without even knowing you with more respect”

All might had to gently pull her away bc the guy was crying and she wasn’t anywhere near finished with him

Midnight is Asexual and aggressively pretends to be horny on main™️ because for one, it works with her quirk and two, nothing sells better than sex especially when you’re a woman.

Bakugou and kirishima use sign language to talk shit at Public events

Dabi is addicted to painkillers because he’s been on them his entire life,, he wakes up with the shakes and sometimes toga has to help him take his meds in the morning because he’s already in withdrawal

Tensei was the first one to realize that iida was autistic and immediately did copious amounts of research on ASD and how to be a good brother to him

ATLA

sokka grows his hair as long as Zuko’s (except the sides obvi) and sometimes he’ll wear his hair in the fire nation top knot and zuko loses it every time

Azula gets help and now sometimes when she wakes up with the sun after a night of fitful sleep she goes to the courtyard to have tea with iroh. They never talk, but then again they never need to.

Sometimes after a hard day sokka falls asleep in the bathtub and wakes up to zuko warming the water back up and washing his hair for him

Suki lounges in zukos throne while zuko gets worked up about stuff and paces all around the room

Mai is on the ace spectrum

When sokka and zuko visit the southern water tribe zuko will firebend for the all of the kids in the village,,, they love him so much and sometimes sokka gets a little teary eyed watching him

Sokka braids zukos hair water tribe style and it’s the hottest thing maybe ever

Zuko takes sokka on shopping sprees pretty frequently and sokka fuckn loves it

One time someone has the nerve to call sokka “the fire lords sugar baby” and sokka just flips his ponytail over his shoulder Ariana style and says “and what about it?”

The Raven cycle

Ronan has 100% killed Robert Parrish in his dreams and when he wakes up to see Adam next to him he almost immediately wants to go back to sleep and do it again for all the pain he’s caused Adam

Gansey is oblivious to the fact that he is indeed shredded,, when he gets really worked up he moves his arms a l o t like rolls up his sleeves, crosses and uncrosses his arms and The gang’s favorite is when he puts his hands on his head and subconsciously flexes,,,, literally entire gangsey will group swoon at him and he genuinely thinks they are marvelling at his passion for whatever he’s worked up about

Ronan watched broke back mountain once when he was like 16 and now all he can think about is being a gay cowboy ,,,

Adam will read people’s tarot wrong if theyre douchebags

Don’t you think it’s funny that the ganseys don’t have any straight children?

Blue has a T-shirt from each member of the gangsey (except Noah,, rip Noah) and shes created a terrible Franken-T-shirt by ripping them up and sewing them all back together in an extremely ugly patch work thing

Adam talks in Latin in his sleep and it really freaks his roommate out,, like a lot,, not to mention the fact that Adam already creeps him out to begin with bc he’s got that other vibe that comes from being tied to cabeswater and lindenmere ,, 6 out of 7 days his roommate is convinced that he’s a witch or a fairy or something

Ronan teaches opal how to bake and opal burns everything on purpose

aftg

Neil has definitely killed multiple people to survive

Neil’s mom definitely made him kill someone at least twice to make sure he could kill to survive on his own if they got separated

he probably definitely still has nightmares about each one

Matt and Dan both had a crush on Neil for like 30 seconds and absolutely talked to each other about him

Ppl always talk about how hot it is to crush a watermelon with your thighs,,,, Andrew could do it with his arms

Aarons ass is so flat and Andrew has an absolute dumptruck

Kevin started out as one of those annoying “obsessed with WWII” history guys and now he’s actually very into queer history and will rant about the lavender scare for an hour if you let him

The foxes lounge room(?) has a dart board with riko’s face on it to this day,, they literally have a drawer full of copies the same image of riko and every time one gets worn out they put a new one up. It’s more of an inside joke now but wymack still hates that little puke even though he’s dead so it stays up

Post-canon Neil gets drunk and teaches the team how to steal a car by hot wiring Matt’s truck

Matt does drag for halloween one year and Dan liked it a little too much *cough cough* she pegged him while he was still in drag

Someone once asked Renee if she was “saving herself for marriage like a good Christian girl should” and Allison knocked them out cold and stepped over the body

Neil calls Aaron ugly to his face literally any chance he gets (I feel like this one might be canon but I actually don’t know What’s real anymore)

Andrew Unironically wears a pink apron that says “kiss the cook” that Nicky got him for Christmas when he bakes

Okay I think that’s it ? For now?? Let me know if y’all want more,,,,, I’ll separate them next time I just really had to dump these and I didn’t want to make multiple posts.

I made this at 5:30 in the morning sorry if it’s riddled with typos and errors.

[claudia-kishi]

so i wrote a thread on twitter about bsc s2 but i will put them here if you care to read my thoughts under the cut or you can read them here: https://twitter.com/goldenlysithea/status/1448138684352499720 :)

kristy was honestly. better than s1. she has grown, and a lot of the things i disliked about her in s1 were not present in s2. her and watson's relationship progression was so great to see, and i def cried at the end of the s2 finale.

mary anne has GROWN. like... it's truly wild how different she is from s1 to now. but in the best way possible. she is still adorable and awkward but more confident in herself and even navigated through her first "we need to talk?!" part of a relationship. mary anne and her dad also.................. their relationship progressing more and him being okay with her DATING with the prepared note card speech was so great. i love them.

dawn. dawn dawn dawn. how i adore you. kyndra did an amazing job stepping into this role. i will always miss xochitl, but kyndra did perfectly. and having her be Not Straight is probably the greatest thing!!!!!! i love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and this season she finally got to have an episode where she breaks down because let's face it nobody is perfect and things that bother you over time eventually cause you to explode... (relatable) so her episode was so necessary and i adore her and i think how her and mary anne got through their first "fight" as almost sisters was rather mature of them and they are so so so so so good. honestly probs my fave friendship amongst the whole group. esp w/ the foundation from s1.

jessi was honestly a surprise for me since i wasn't really sure what to expect. i don't think her episode was as intertwined maybe as the others were to the whole season BUT i actually really liked her episode because of how relatable it was to me do i like this activity for real or do i like it because i'm good at it? it was something i asked myself all the time as a kid especially as i started to grow up and realize actually i'm not that great compared to others. her friendship with that famous child was very sweet and i like how they just were able to talk to each other about their struggles and help each other have fun! and for jessi to realize she actually does like to dance... it was cute and wholesome and i definitely shed a tear when the whole group went to see her perform :') on a side note mary anne being there when jessi's mom was yelling at her was literally so funny my poor baby was trying so hard to disappear into the chair ;___;

stacey's episode i don't have toooo much to say but i really appreciate how her friends all tried to make sure she was okay. obviously she should have taken it slow but i also relate w/ stacey with holding things in and pretending everything is fine (when it's not) and i think why i love these kids so much is that of course they fight and have arguments but they are just... so good and apologizing. like when stacey apologized to everyone for what happened ;__;

i don't have much to say about mallory bc she didn't have her own episode so i don't really know her (and i've never read the books lol) so no comment really here

and finally.............. miss claudia kishi herself. her first episode i was honestly a bit shocked to see her struggle so much to connect with mallory since she always seemed to get along with everyone. but also i once again ALSO relate since i don't like ppl asking questions excessively and not trying to think for themselves even if that's rude to think 😭😭😭 and it was cute that she took ashley's advice to repair her relationship with mallory AND even to attempt to connect with janine.

and then we get to claudia and the sad goodbye which GENUINELY ruined me as a human being. the FORESHADOWING they gave was too much. starting it off with claudia trying to make tea traditionally and mimi saying "you're learning to make for the whole family" because claudia is going to have to "take over" for mimi like... THAT was too much. and then mimi practically knowing she was going to die that night and saying GOODBYE, MY CLAUDIA. and then to see claudia absolutely break down??? NO. NOT ALLOWED. momo really did such an amazing job with this how she repressed EVERYTHING and tried to act as normal as possible and then eventually broke when mary anne made her talk about it. even before you could just see the tears in her eyes as she tried to laugh and pretend as if nothing were wrong. and the pain in her voice ;___;

"i don't want to feel my grief. my grief feels horrible. my grief feels like. like my chest is going to explode. like i can't breathe. like everything is over and nobody... nobody understands."

listen just typing out these words is making me cry and then when she came back to her house and freaks out at janine for going through mimi's jewelry to give to ashley for JANINE TO BE LIKE I'M IN LOVE WITH HER??????????????? and claudia immediately regretting it and then them talking about the bracelet mimi wanted to give ashley and then them reminiscing over what that bracelet meant to mimi and talking about how mimi always paid attention to them and cared. and then janine asking for permission from claudia to give ashley the bracelet... this whole scene just was the most emotional tv i've ever seen and THEN AND THEN???????????????? they DARED hug and have claudia say "my janine" as if i wasn't already broken they had to be like ACTUALLY we aren't done. god that scene was just like one gut punch after another. i am once again crying thinking about this. honestly masterclass and then claudia honoring their culture and having the gathering in her room to remember mimi and HER MAKING TEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and her even inviting ashley and janine as a couple....... honestly i've never read the books but i knew this was coming and it completely ruined me as expected but in the worst ways possible and it might be 1 of my favorite episodes of tv even if it just hurts so much. they did so well with this episode, this character, and this family also oddly just in home life in an asian household in western media - bsc still hits it out of the park compared to every other show i've watched which is extremely sad but makes me happy for bsc :) even seeing them come home and take their shoes off at the door was... comforting

anyways i'm done crying now (probably not) and if you are planning to watch season 2 please be prepared to cry multiple times

[matoitech]

ive said this b4 i think but i do not agree w ppl when they say galo at first being rude about the burnish to lio in the cave after he defended the burnish at the pizzera served no purpose and was an ooc moment for galo. i was actually rly shocked that that was a take bcuz i always read that as like, galos a good person but good people are capable of being ignorant n believing bad things abt marginalized ppl without realizing they believe it n how damaging it is, so when galos a dick here lio calls him out for it and galo apologizes n proves hes learned n done better later in the movie. galo believing hes a progressive person is in my opinion a part of the movie that kind of requires keeping in mind when watching and its also why acting like galos too stupid for politics is rly dumb n insulting not only towards his narrative but also towards the narrative of the movie. as the movie starts out lio telling him youre NOT better than other ppl in promepolis u believe some of the same shit too is not like an assault on galos character, its just stating a fact bcuz galo is ignorant n doesnt know a lot of whats going on towards the burnish n the propaganda hes grown up with and hes not burnish so he doesnt get it how lio does, and him like recognizing accepting and working with that and with the burnish towards helping them is something thats important to his early n continued growth as a character. like its how he responds thats important. thats why they showed that bcuz Character Growth

but this moment in the cave w galo saying like ‘i didnt know the burnish even ate food’ snarky is not supposed to be like representative of galo hating the burnish or something ur not supposed to take galo being a jackass to lio once like that, galos a good person who wants to help people but hes ignorant in some ways and can hurt ppl thru his ignorance n him being made aware of that n apologizing for that 2 lio (and showing he clearly learned better every time he says things like ‘human powered’ instead of ‘burnish powered’) n him n lio working together n trying their best to understand each other despite their differences is the point its not like ur supposed to look at that and say wow galos such a jerk who is incapable of growth! when he apologizes immediately after and proves hes learned better. n once lio sees galos genuine he accepts that

also ppl have to remember the burnish arent a real oppressed group, if they were a metaphor for an actual irl oppressed group then i would get ppl looking at galo saying smth dickish as it being ooc or it even being smth ppl didnt like him for, but the burnish are a fictional oppressed group of people so i dont think you should be like.. having a reaction to galo being kind of a dick about the burnish Once the same way a character committing a microaggression against an actual oppressed irl group would be. thats probably WHY they were comfortable showing galo doing that and then apologizing for it, bcuz the burnish arent a real oppressed group and it wouldnt reflect badly on galos character it would just be obvious tis for character growth and the narrative. bcuz ur supposed to like galo and know hes a good person who just wants to help even if he fucks up sometimes, and if he was like mildly bigoted abt irl oppressed ppl or something even 2 show character growth people wouldnt like him as much obviously 

oh and also galo DID get knocked out and was tied up in a cave w lio who he’d only ever heard was a terrorist so we cant ignore the context of who galo thought he was talking to. knowing what we know abt the burnish Now it was obviously rude of him to say and thats why he apologized but like. context.

[letstalkaboutfandomsbaby]

Toji or naoya tho

Like if you had to choose

To fuck?? To kill?? YOU NEED TO SPECIFY BABE /j

Aldjlakdla ok ummmm if i had to choose one as like a boyfriend or something then honestly I'd probably go with Naoya and there's a couple reasons for that sksksk. After Toji's wife died he goes back to be a wild piece of shit, he's doing crazy missions and blowing all his money on gambling and dumb shit and he's going from woman to woman without a care in the world and my little monogamous heart would not be able to take it sksksk like he would be so wishywashy and he would always avoid questions about what we are and he'd never respect our relationship. I just couldn't be with a playboy like him, he'd make me so angry and he would just laugh when i try to express my feelings and he'd try to fix everything with sex.

Okay now im not saying Naoya is better, he's just different. Rich family, honest to a fault, like yes he's a misogynistic ass but at least he's open about it unlike Toji who just pumps and dumps you. I don't want to be his with irl but if he proposed to me and promised that I'd never have to work again and I'd have a life of luxury?? Ummmm I'm takin the deal skskks like idc if he secretly hates me and just wants a baby like the thought of not working and being able to enjoy my hobbies in peace sounds delightful. And as far as i can tell i wouldn't be around him the majority of the time so i could easily go off and do my own thing and enjoy myself in peace :)

Tbh I have this little scenario/headcanon for being married to Naoya: I imagine he wouldn't give me any interest bc he just sees me as a breeding machine so he doesn't care what i do in my free time, but soon after we get married he realizes that i act differently around him. He glances around corners when he hears me laughing with the other wives or maids and he sees how bubbly and happy i am and the minute he comes around my face just goes blank and i go back to the submissive wife that he THOUGHT he wanted. I think soon enough he would confront me about my behavior and would insist that i act just as cute and sweet and bubbly in his presence bc he's my husband and i should only act that way with him. So i try to do that but it doesn't translate well and after he confronts me again i reveal that i wanna act nicer around him but he doesn't put in any effort to treat me differently so why should i treat him differently etc etc. I think it would take a long time but Naoya seems like the kind of guy who wants to be the best at everything so he's determined to get me to genuinely like him more than other ppl. I think he'd slowly but surely fall in love with me and see me as more than a baby maker and actually care for me like a husband should care for his wife, like he'd put in more effort with things and be like "see? I did x y and z so clearly im better than all those other fools so you should smile at me more" yk? I think this would translate to the bedroom too bc you KNOW he talks about fucking you and other guys are like i made my girl cum 5 times last night and he's like 🧍‍♂️ why would u bother doing that and he hears how much better sex is when the wives are enjoying themselves and now HE wants to experience it which leads to him trying to make me cum in a multitude of ways and once he feels a juicy fat pussy cumming around his cock it's over like this is the new norm bc he is addicted to the feeling 😩 Leads to great sex and a better understanding of each other and ik for a fact he would still be a misogynist but his actions would speak otherwise so imma let it slide skskskk

Anyways this got wayyyyyy too long but I hope i answered your question sksksk

[storiesforallfandoms]

love you as you are ~ yungblud

word count: 1462

request?: yes!

“ Hi! How are you doing? If u are not too busy, could I request something with coworkers or friends to lovers - Dominic Harrison with insecure reader? (don’t mean to romantizice insecurities, reading things like that makes me feel less alone sometimes and I am pretty sure it happens to other ppl too) Stay safe, much love 🖤🖤”

description: in which his life long friend constantly compares herself to the girls he dates, and he’s finally starting to notice

pairing: yungblud x female!reader

warnings: swearing, insecurities

masterlist

My worst bad habit was looking at pictures of Dom with his girlfriend’s and finding a flaw for myself in all of them.

That’s what I was doing when he called one day. New pictures had arisen of him and Ashley, although he insisted that they weren’t back together and probably would never get back together. They seemed cozy, and the smile on his face was so wide and bright, it was obvious he was happy with her. He always had been happy with her.

Her eyes were so pretty, her skin was flawless, she could pull off any hairstyle or color, her style was constantly on point, she...

My ringing phone brought me out of my daze. A picture of Dom smiling filled my screen along with his name. I couldn’t help but compare that smile with the one in the picture with Ashley. Was it as wide? Was he as happy?

“Hello?” I finally answered.

“(Y/N)!” Dom exclaimed. “What are you doing right now?”

“Just chilling at home.”

“Great! I’m coming over. Be there in five minutes!”

I was confused. The pictures I was looking at were supposedly recent, but he was here? Did that mean the pictures were fake? Or...was Ashley here?

Before I could ask any questions, Dom hung up. I paced the apartment, worried that Ashley would show up with Dom. I had nothing against Ashley, she was nice and I had been a fan since before she started dating Dom. I just...I couldn’t see her with Dom like that.

Before I knew it, Dom was letting himself into my place and making himself at home. He immediately laid down on the couch and looked up at, me catching mid-pace.

“Welcome,” I said sarcastically. “I didn’t know you were home.”

He gave me a weird look. “What do you mean? We’ve been texting all week. I told you we were gonna make plans soon.”

Oh yeah, that’s right. How did I forget that?

“Why didn’t you think I was home?”

I shrugged, trying to play it off. “I just saw some paparazzi pictures - ”

Dom cut me off with a groan. “Whatever it was, it’s bullshit. Paps are vultures and they’ll post any bullshit to get clicks.

I felt extremely stupid, but I was glad he didn’t seem upset or anything. As I sat down next to him, though, he asked, “What were the pictures of?”

I wasn’t sure how to respond. Do I tell him the truth? What would he think if I told him it was pictures of him and Ashley?

“Nothing,” I responded with a shrug.

Dom gave me another look. “Okay, it was obviously not nothing. You can tell me, (Y/N), I’ve probably read worse about myself.”

I sighed heavily, knowing Dom wasn’t just going to drop this. “It was pictures of you and Ash, and it was saying you two were back together again.”

Dom’s immediate reaction was a loud laugh, which caught me off guard at first, but I soon realized that his laugh meant that he and Ashley weren’t together, and he was right in saying that they probably never would be together at all.

“I haven’t seen Ash in months,” he admitted. “She’s off dating someone else now, if I was spotted out with her, it’s only as friends.”

For some reason, knowing that Dom was potentially still friends with Ashley put me back in my down mood. They were friends, but they used to date. He didn’t look at her the way he looked at me. I was a really just a friend, but she was his beautiful ex-girlfriend. He probably still loved her, I wouldn’t blame him, she was probably the best person in the world. She was so nice and kind and caring, she was so sweet to me. She...

“(Y/N),” Dom said, snapping his fingers in front of my face. He pulled me out of my trance and I looked at him, trying to pretend nothing had happened. “Where did you go then?”

“Nowhere,” I responded. “I guess I just zoned out, it happens. What were you saying?”

He was looking at me hard, almost studying my face. “Are you okay, (Y/N)? You just...you seem off today.”

“I’m fine,” I insisted. “It’s nothing, can we drop it?”

We both went silent for a moment. I couldn’t handle it, there were so many thoughts running through my head that I needed a distraction. I turned on the TV and put on a random station that was playing some movie I had no interest in. I sat back and pretended to be invested in what was going on, but in reality, I was just trying to keep myself from thinking about Dom and Ashley.

I could feel Dom’s eyes on me. He was watching me intently, waiting for a crack. Dom knew me better than anyone had, and I knew that he knew when I was upset. I was hoping he’d leave it be and just bring up something for the two of us to do, but instead, when he did finally speak, he asked, “Is it because of me and Ash?”

I tried to hold back any signs that he was right, but I knew it was no use. I sighed again and looked down at my lap. “Not really...but kind of?”

Dom tilted his head in confusion. “What do you mean? What’s wrong with Ash?”

“Nothing, that’s the problem!” I responded. “She’s so perfect! God, I wish I had just a fraction of her perfection.”

I glanced up at Dom and saw that he was starting to understand. “You can’t compare yourself to Ash, (Y/N). You’re two different people, with different personalities and different...well everything. You can’t actually be comparing yourself to her.”

“I can’t help it,” I admitted, tears starting to prick my eyes. “You always date the most beautiful girls, both inside and out, and I can’t help but compare myself to them because...”

Dom moved closer to me, placing one of his hands on top of mine. I couldn’t get the words out. How do you admit to your best friend that you’ve had feelings for them for so long without weirding them out? Was it even possible to do that and maintain the friendship?

“(Y/N), you’re perfect as you are,” he said before I could finish my sentence. “You don’t have to compare yourself to anyone, let alone the girls I date. In case you haven’t noticed, you’ve been around much longer than those girls, and there’s a reason for that. It’s because you’re a genuine person, and you care so much for me, and, this may be awkward, but I think you’re incredibly cute. I love you as you are, I’d hate to see you turn into someone you’re not.”

I couldn’t help but scoff at his choice of wording. “Don’t say that.”

“Don’t say what?”

“That you love me. It gives me false hope.”

Dom was confused a moment before he finally put two and two together. “What if I mean it in more than just a friendly way?”

I glared at him this time. “Don’t do that.”

“I’m serious, (Y/N)! What if I like you too? What if I always have? What would you say?”

I wasn’t sure if I believed him. Why would I? He’s never even given me a sign that he could potentially like me. Saying this now, especially with the conversation we were having, just felt like some sort of sick joke he was playing on me.

But, as I looked into those eyes that I had loved for so long, I could tell he was being genuine. Had he really liked me all this time?

Before I could say anything else, Dom pulled me close and kissed the top of my head. “You’re perfect as you are, (Y/N). Who you are is what I love the most about you. Please don’t compare yourself to others, especially not to any of the girls I’ve dated.”

“You really mean that?”

His chest vibrated as he laughed. “Of course I do.”

I couldn’t help but smile as I wiped the tears from my eyes. “I really like you, Dom.”

“I like you, too, (Y/N).”

We fell back into a comfortable silence then. I wasn’t quite sure what this meant for us. We had both just admitted to having feelings for one another, so what comes next?

In that moment, I didn’t care. All I cared about was being in Dom’s arms, my ear pressed against his chest as I listened to his steady heartbeat. I was just happy to have him there with me, and to finally have that truth off my chest.

[normal-thoughts-official]

what are your thoughts about izzy and alec’s sibling bond from the scenes we got from the show

i liked their relationship a lot, actually. which is not to say that it was flawless, but the flaws we got to see were honestly some of what made me the most interested in them. and then of course sh dropped it like a hot potato, but like... it was still pretty interesting to me

disclaimer that this is my own Abused Kid™ stuff projecting for sure, but i still think the way i see their relationship makes sense (or well, i'm not sure if i would say my parents were abusive, but they are quite a lot like the lightwoods in their own way and i definitely consider the lightwoods abusers, so it doesn't really matter that much). so like this will probably feature a fair amount of oversharing lol

anyway! so what i find really interesting and really like about alec and izzy's relationship is that despite the fact that them having abuser parents who honestly put them in very specific "kid who always fucks up" vs "kid who is expected to do everything perfect" roles, they managed to still be friends and on each other's side and have an overall very loving and supporting relationship. i think that's what attracted me to their sibling bond the most, because for decades me and my brother didn't really manage to be close or build a relationship precisely because of those roles. in our case, my brother was the fuckup kid, i was the kid who had to always be perfect (in my case, lowkey to "compensate" for him) and it led to him resenting me and being all but afraid of me because everything i did seemed to be so much better than him in my parent's eyes, so... yeah

so it always struck me as pretty interesting that alec and izzy seemed to be genuinely so close. izzy is one of the few people who gets alec to smile and who gets to ever touch alec, and although they have a lot of differences, it always came down way more to teasing than to actual fighting between them

but also - which is partially why i said that their flaws were part of what drew me to them the most - the tensions that emerged from that abusive background were very much there, and i found that pretty interesting

another disclaimer that i tend to relate to alec more, because i was in the same role as him, but also tend to be very forgiving towards izzy because i see my brother in her and i blame myself for our relationship way more than him since he was the weakest link there lol. but also in part i think i project unto her in the sense that i kept trying to make things easier to my brother, but i kept fucking up because i didn't fully understand his situation, and i definitely think that's what went on with izzy and alec

so let's get into the details of how the whole "fuckup kid" vs "golden kid" (and disclaimer before ppl come yell at me again: i'm not saying that alec was treated well by his parents or that they treated him like he was good enough, because they definitely didn't. i'm saying that when compared to izzy he was considered the kid that had potential, that could be trusted, and who had the most amount of pressure put unto. again, that was how i was treated by my parents, so miss me with the "wow you think alec had it easy?" shit because i know damn well he did not lol. the "golden kid" is an abuse archetype and therefore it means you are abused. calm down) thing affected their relationship in particular

so alec was the eldest, and i think from very early on he latched unto the expectations his parents had for him as a way to protect himself and make sense of the world. i was telling autistic alec anon just today how i think that the fact that shadowhunter culture was so black and white and gave alec such a clear sense of what he was supposed to do and who he was supposed to be kind of helped him navigate the world because it made it easier for him to figure out the path to follow when everything else was just so confusing and the expectations were so crushing and everything he felt was so complicated. i think alec's always known that he didn't conform, and because he didn't have a safe outlet to let that out, he decided to just go by the book to protect himself. which is valid

that being said, i think the other half of the reason why he decided to pursue the "perfect shadowhunter" existence so hard was exactly because of izzy (and later jace and max). because again, alec is the eldest, and he was already being crushed by expectations of upholding the lightwood name and following the rules and whatnot. like, maryse and robert basically expected their kids to undo all the shit they had done when they joined the circle, and they didn't even tell them that that was the reason, so they were probably just taught that they should do what the lightwoods said because and that was that. and because there were all these stakes that they didn't even understand or know about, the pressure was harder

and alec was already being taught to be a leader, and he loved his sister, so he probably wanted to shield her from all the pressure of those expectations, because he knew he was out there fucking killing himself for it. so i think part of the reason he tried so hard to be perfect was because, if he was perfect, izzy (and then jace and max) would get to breathe a little bit. alec is pretty self sacrificial and definitely has a tendency to shoulder suffering in the place of ppl he loves, so i don't think that's far fetched. also, we saw how alec literally shouldered all the blame for jace's fuckups, despite the fact that jace did it all behind alec's back and with alec telling him not to do it (i'm saying jace because from what i remember what got alec punished in particular was something that jace and clary did, not izzy, but izzy was definitely also going against whatever alec told her to and i have no doubt that he would shoulder the blame for her as well, although i don't think she would use that against him, unlike some people. but i digress). but alec just allowed himself to be punished for it like it was on him, so i think it makes sense to believe that alec tried to take the brunt of their parents' pressure so izzy wouldn't have to

and the thing is that i think that izzy... never realized that. i mean, i'm sure she realized that alec was trying way too hard to be what their parents expected of her, but she never realized that she was part of the reason. and she tried to get him to rebel a little bit because she thought that he needed it, and i mean, she was right, but what she didn't realize is that the fact that alec didn't rebel was so she could. not that izzy was not facing consequences for her rebelling, because we saw how maryse treated her versus how she treated alec and jace (it's very interesting to me also how once jace came into the picture he became an actual golden kid, not a "golden kid" like the abused kid who is put as impossibly better than the other one but still never good enough, but actually good enough, and how that was used to put alec in that position where he had to work even harder as well. but that's for another post)

and that's the frustrating part (and i think the part i relate to izzy for the most) because i think she was genuinely trying to help? but she never really understood alec. i was also talking earlier today (or was it yesterday? rip my time blindness but it was definitely recent) about how many people seem to understand alec's coming out story as an internalized homophobia story, and how i don't think that's how it was at all. i don't wanna repeat myself so if anyone's interested in that it's here. and the thing is, i think izzy made the same mistake. she falsely assumed that alec didn't rebel because he genuinely internalized that being gay was bad and because he was lying to himself about it, but that wasn't the case at all. alec knew he was gay and accepted that, he just decided to stay in the closet and live life that way. which obviously is horrible and traumatic, but it's different, and because izzy couldn't tell the difference, she made it worse

izzy kept trying to make alec "accept" himself, but alec didn't really have a problem accepting himself; he just wanted to keep that a secret to protect himself. but because she thought that he was in denial, she kept trying to push him to... not exactly admit because i wouldn't say she was all like "alec just say it you'll feel better" but to maybe "face" it, and alec interpreted that as her demanding that he came out of the closet, which he couldn't do. so he kept closing off and she kept interpreting that as him being in denial, so she kept pushing, and she made things infinitely worse for him even if i am 100% sure her intentions were good (just look at how protective she was of alec and magnus during the beginning of their relationship, or how she tried to get maryse and robert to marry her off instead of alec, or the difference between how clary and jace talked about it - "you're in love with jace"; "this is about your feelings" - and how izzy talked about it - "alec, it's okay") but as we say in brazil, hell is filled to the brim with good intentions

that is not to say that izzy didn't go on that straight shit from time to time ("we all got our things, don't we?" comes to mind, but i gotta say it really pisses me off how everyone talks about izzy being homophobic in that scene and completely ignores how openly racist alec was. like obviously both are fucked up, but yall clearly seem to think only one of these is a problem. but that's for another post) but i think that generally her intentions were always to get alec to be more comfortable with himself/happier. she noticed how much the lightwood's expectations were crushing him, but again, she didn't realize that alec was choosing to take the brunt of these. she didn't realize that he couldn't rebel like she did because of her. not until it was too late

i think izzy only started to realize that - particularly how much of her rebelling was only allowed because alec was there as a safe option so they couldn't afford to have a "fuckup child" even if obviously they still hated that they couldn't control izzy - when she tried to get the lightwoods to marry her instead of alec and they were like... lol? it's alec who's supposed to save the lightwood name, not you. you are worthless as a bride and as a peace offering

and that's when it hit her that alec was taking a role, a role that he had been effectively protecting her from having to take, but that also meant she couldn't help him

i think that's when she realized, because you can see the change in her behavior, you know - "you stood by me, so now i'm standing by you, big brother". she understood that alec was trying to protect her the same way she had tried to protect him and never realized, but that by trying to get alec to just stop without thinking about what the greater picture was for him, she was just making things harder for him. i think that was some very interesting growth we got to see

and on the other hand alec didn't realize that izzy had been trying to protect him as well. like i think that she definitely laid the whole "fuckup kid" thing too thick, which was partially for herself, like, basically embracing the role because she would never be good enough for the lightwoods so why not just accept that she was a fuckup and be everything they despised? but i think she also partially did it for alec, because she wanted to show him that it was okay. that there could be a life that wasn't just doing what your parents expected you to. and like, sure, she got treated like shit for it, and she faced some forms of abuse that alec didn't (mainly touch/affection withdrawal from what we got to see in the show, but also considerable more verbal degrading. again im not saying alec had it easy, especially because we know that the parts where maryse expressed "pride" over him were basically used to make him do what she wanted; but still, the difference in treatment is very clear), but she was still standing, so it was possible, see?

i don't even think this is something i had to defend a lot because she said it so many times? she was always telling alec that he could loosen up, that it was okay (she said the exact words "it's okay" many times). she had a kinda, idk, sassy attitude over it, generally treating it like a joke, but imo that was because she knew that if she talked about it in all seriousness alec would shut down, like he had many times. so i think by making it into a joke and playing the mindless "woo i don't care about anything" character she was trying to have that conversation in a more subtle way. at the very least, alec was amused

and i think a huge part of the fandom also misinterprets izzy as being exactly that shallow person who only thought about immediate gratification that she pretended to be but honestly i don't see that at all? throughout all of season 1, the single thing that drove izzy's character was her desire to protect alec, except for when she tried to save meliorn from him, which was like.... just the decent thing to do. and izzy is not a shallow character. she is not stupid. and she is not primarily driven by her own desires. that is not to say that izzy was never selfish (see: how she treated raphael, so much shit about sizzy), but she is not the kind of character who only does whatever the fuck she wants to because it sounds more fun that's jace and clary. most of the time, her primary motivation was to help alec or clary, aka people that she loves. i think that, like alec, she is the kind that only extends that protectiveness over the people closest to her and is not really the "helping everyone out" type, but she is also not completely self-absorbed like she pretended to be. and i don't think she even cared all that much about parties and whatnot. like when did we see her going to one on her own without it being a mission? when did we see izzy actually pursuing one night stands? that is not to say that these things are bad, but if izzy were that girl who only cares about sleeping around and having fun like she pretended to be, then one would think we would see her actually doing that instead of just performing that shallow mindless sexy girl stereotype?

and like look i know that she was written to be a sexy lamp or whatever but if the writers aren't gonna care enough about her to make that consistent and show her doing that beyond what she says i might as well go there and give her the depth that she deserves. especially because we got to see izzy talk about that so much. like her saying that one of the things that attracted her to raphael was that for once in her life it didn't feel like everything was all about sex. i find it appalling that people genuinely think that that's all she's about when she made it so clear that it bothered her. like imo izzy took on that role, again, to piss off her parents, and also because it was something that she was good at. she was good at being sexy and she got gratification and positive feedback over that, which she was obviously starved for since her own mother wouldn't even fucking hug her. it was the one thing she didn't fuck up at and that got her to feel like she was treasured, even if really she was just desired

not just that but izzy also consistently made hard choices for those she loved? like im not gonna say that izzy going to save meliorn from torture was anything less than the bare minimum but if she were that shallow self centered persona that only wanted to have fun and didn't care about the consequences she wouldn't have put so much on jeopardy to save them. or risk being deruned and losing everything so she could call the clave out on their bullshit. or break up with meliorn (someone we know she genuinely liked) so she could offer herself to be married off to someone in alec's place. the one thing that we know izzy would be miserable over, because that woman was not born to be no one's trophy wife. and she was fully ready and willing to throw her WHOLE life away for alec. that would be FOREVER. miss me with that "izzy is a shallow girl who only cares about herself and partying" shit

like to me it's very clear that that was a front (especially because the way she talked about it was SO over the top too, like, it sounded so fake. and when we got scenes of her talking to alec or to clary she was a wholly different person, way less confident, way softer. honestly izzy could have been such a great narrative about woc and hypersexualization and the traps of taking over that "femme fatale" role as a form of empowerment or whatever, but of course sh doesn't have the range for that) and i think that front was first and foremost for alec's sake. she was trying to break him out of the lightwood's brainwashing. what she didn't realize was that he wasn't brainwashed, he was making a choice between the very bad options that he had. and alec in turn didn't realize that izzy acted the way she did, in great part, for him, not for herself. i wouldn't say that alec bought that izzy was a shallow girl because we know how much he loves her and that he knows her better than anyone, but i think he also didn't realize she was trying to help/protect him

so it was such an interesting miscommunication issue and i would have loved to see that actually addressed and worked on, but alas. the most we ever got was them talking about being honest to each other about the yin fen. and izzy pretty much didn't get real plotlines or character development anyway daoijdaoij except for the absolute bullcrap that was the yin fen which i am not going to get into because it makes me so angry and i hate it so much

and then of course sh didn't really get into it and basically considered the problem solved once alec came out, which i mean, i guess does take that out of the way when it was the main miscommunication problem between them, but still, they should have had a talk and realized what a stupid dance they were both having and how they would have both benefitted from working together instead of in the name of each other. which is a frequent trope for alec in relationships anyway, too, so it could be a good introduction to these issues, but alas!

in short: i think both alec and izzy love each other very much, have each other's best interests at heart, but weren't really seeing each other as they were. and they both put a front for each other (izzy in particular) that made communication pretty much impossible. and they ended up not being very good for each other (particularly izzy for alec, but i think alec also made her feel alone and like he saw her as.. just some stupid girl, you know?), but i loved to see how these things were there simultaneously. the wanting to help each other and the effectively only making things worse. the love that was so present and so strong despite all of that. the way that they never became competitive or resented each other like kids who are raised with those dynamics usually get. i just love how there was so much going on and so many problems but still so much love between them. i really wished we got to see it actually get some sort of closure and more exploration, but. fuck me i guess