#and for stede to have a full-on panic attack?

[lightbluetown]

i'm not gonna lie, with the whole s2 confrontation against the british and all i was expecting the soldiers to be like "hey these two pirate captains actually signed the act of grace! yeah we sent them to privateering school! and then they both disappeared on the same night in which admiral chauncey badminton was killed in the woods!! Suspicious!!"

[piratecaptainscaptainpirates]

Recently rewatched OFMD with a friend and I looove how Ed's introduction completely turns your expectations on their head.

Blackbeard is popular enough in the cultural zeitgeist that you kinda have a good working assumption of what you're gonna get, right? You expect a hyper-masculine, macho guy, super tough, stab-you-in-the-back, life-is-cheap kinda guy.

And Ed's introduction is so careful. He speaks in that soft, gravelly voice. We don't even get to see his full face. When we do get his full introduction, it's in that beautiful pan-up, with the slow footsteps and the dramatic lighting. It's seductive, almost, and it's mysterious and cool and so carefully-orchestrated. Especially on rewatches, it stands out how much of a performance it is.

And we know what to expect from this guy. The way he's teased throughout s1e3 makes it seem like they're setting him up to be the bad guy, right? It's an easy read on your first watch, and it's what my friend assumed.

And then in episode 4 we actually meet Ed. And, slowly, you start to realize this guy is brilliant, yeah, but he's also funny and goofy and he just wants someone to play with.

And then you start to get it. The whole Blackbeard thing is an act. He wants to introduce himself as Ed. He wants someone to be friends with. At the end of s1e4 when he tells Izzy he's going to kill Stede, you don't know yet that trying to force himself to kill Stede is going to trigger Ed so badly that he's going to have a panic attack, but you can already guess he's not going to to through with that plan.

It's such a clever character reveal, because it plays on your expectations - look, it says, here's Blackbeard! You know what to expect from Blackbeard! And then you get to meet Ed, and the story says the Blackbeard thing is an act, actually, and he fooled you, too.

[mermaidinn]

Innkeeper Era OFMD Fic Recs

Hey friends, I was organizing my ofmd fic bookmarks and figured I'd throw together a rec list of a few of my favorite post season 2 fics in case anyone is needing this kind of stuff atm. This is by no means a full list of even all my favorites and I'm sure I've missed some good ones, but I've tried to include a good variety of themes and also not make this post extremely long. <3 love you all so much, I don't do much talking in fandom spaces, but you are all incredible and I appreciate each and every one of you

big thank you, obviously, to all the authors of these (and all) fics, y'all are truly doing the lord's work out there

Magpie- 6k, Ed keeps treasures

Cold feet- 1k, Stede gives Ed a gift

Look back- 4k, Stede tells Ed a story

Weathering it Together- 4k, Ed has a panic attack in a storm (there are a lot of fics about this and I always love them, but in the interest of this post not being a mile long I’ll stick with just this one) 

Moving forward- 1k, Ed talks to Stede about izzy’s emotional abuse

Outburst- 5k, Ed tells the crew about what happened with izzy 

Riding Double- 4k, Stede is a horse girl, Ed’s less into it 

Good Bones- 11k, the boyfriends work on the inn, and their relationship 

Breaking & Entrees- 9k, E, Stede and Ed have an adorable date night, and fun and sweet mermaid rp beach sex

Old friends- 6k, crew visits and Ed panics about it

Of few words- 12k, E, Ed gets a new tattoo and tells Stede about some old ones, Stede gets his first tattoo 

Taking it slow- 5k, E, (2.5, 2.6) Ed has some regrets about the phrases ‘take it slow’ and ‘mistake’

A marriage of true minds- 2.7k, Stede and Ed bond over Shakespeare

Lost and found- 2k, Stede finds the cake topper dolls   

By your side until it’s over / to the back of a hand- 5k/2k, E, (2.8) Stede and Ed talk through lingering insecurities and izzy related traumas 

Dear Ed- 3k, Mary’s widow group discovers some of Stede’s love letters

Sailor's delight- 14k, E, 14k words of hot, fun, sweet tentacle porn, you’re welcome. I think this passes as canon compliant even though the magic is a bit more, um, tangibly real than it is on the show 

Guava jelly- 15k, E, Ed working through some issues, sexual healing 

Gone fishing- 6k, Ed and Stede discuss plans for the inn 

Something to celebrate- 1k, the boyfriends try to decide what their first date was

Finding the right words- 3k, discussion of some of Stede’s insecurities 

The thing about snakes- 7k, Archie and Ed have a chat

[jennaimmortal]

I absolutely love seeing Ed being super protective of Stede! I think one of the fears that assaulted Ed about Stede’s newfound fame is a fear that Stede won’t need him anymore if he’s not “Blackbeard.” Ed & Stede both struggle with trying to be who others want them to be, even with each other.

WE know that they love each other just as they are, warts and all, but neither of them can accept that possibility. Ed is very likely afraid that of the main reasons Stede left him was because he had changed too much and wasn’t being “Blackbeard,” considering how Stede reacted to Ed shaving his beard off.

Ed doesn’t understand that Stede was actually blaming himself, feeling as though it was his fault that Ed was turning away from his Blackbeard persona. Stede doesn’t understand that Ed genuinely WANTS to get away from that side of himself. That’s the most important conversation that they needed to have, but in the week or two (maybe not even that long) since their reunion, they have both been focusing on everything EXCEPT for the important conversations they need to be having.

Ed also has a bad habit of trying to completely run away from the parts of him that frighten him. When Izzy confronted him about becoming “Edward” in 1x10, it made Ed feel like his softer side was wrong & problematic.

So what did he do? He ran so far in the opposition direction that he became The Kraken. Now, being faced with all the guilt & trauma of his time as The Kraken, he feels like he has to once again to a total 180 and leave behind all of his darkness. He doesn’t understand that he can accommodate the darker and lighter sides of his personality without going to extremes.

After seeing Stede leaning into his newfound popularity, Ed’s fear of Stede leaving him again flared into a full blown panic attack. He likely believes that Stede won’t be able to fully accept him if he leaves “Blackbeard” behind and embracing being “Edward.”

The last time he told Stede that he wanted to do just that, Stede left him. Ed’s trauma from those months without him is SO fresh! That terror of once again letting himself go all-in is all too relatable. It’s easier to run away than to once again be left behind, especially now that they have taken their relationship so much further.

My greatest hope is that Ed realized ON HIS OWN that he had panicked, and that he doesn’t actually want to be a fisherman. I really want this scene to be Ed returning to Stede & the Crew on his own, without knowledge of the attack.

Realizing that Stede is in danger, or possibly even dead, would certainly be more than enough of a catalyst to make him go dive for his leathers, preparing to go to his beloved’s rescue. I hope that will be the moment that he also finds Stede’s letter(s), which will make it very clear that Stede loves Edward, not Blackbeard.

It’s going to be such a long week waiting for them to be back on my screen!

[amuseoffyre]

Just thinking about the importance of names in the show and the fact that Stede always refers to Ed as Blackbeard in front of the crew, even though he always calls him Ed to his face.

The only people that I can recall him speaking about Blackbeard with and calling him Ed are Mary and Calico Jack. With CJ, it only happens because he mistakes CJ for Ed when he’s relieving himself and continues to use it to make a point.

Historically, using first names was a privilege reserved for your peers in Stede’s social class, which is a whole tasty nomnomnom of Stede’s acceptance of Ed as his equal from the word go.

However, what I really want to look at are the rare occasions when Stede full-named Ed, mostly to his face but once... not so much.

“Edward! Everything all right?” - coming to find him after the incident with the French captain and realising the French captain got under his skin.

“Edward! Put that away! I’m serious - stand. down. You’re in over your head. These are my people. I’ll deal with it.” - again, when Edward is clearly upset and preparing to go full Blackbeard on the party ship

“Edward! You all right?” - after the fuckery sends Ed into a panic attack, then once again when he breaks through the door and immediately switches back to a softer “Ed” when he takes in Ed’s distress.

“How was your day... Edward?” - when he’s alone and miserable in his family home

The three times he address Ed directly as Edward, it’s moments when Ed is upset to the point that Stede can recognise it. Let’s be real - Stede is Not Good at reading emotions and it’s only when Ed’s reactions are actually expressed aloud and physically - the rage at the French captain, pulling the gun at the party, the sobbing reaction to the fuckery - that he can recognise something is severely amiss.

In those moments, instead of using the shortened name, the friendly buddy name, Stede using the full name feels like an acknowledgement that something serious is happening.

Each time he uses it, he’s realised Edward is upset and is stepping in to offer some kind of emotional support, whether that means explaining that yes, posh people are passive aggressive bastards or promising to deal with the people that have upset him.

I do find it interesting that in the bathtub scene, he uses Edward from outside the door, then again when he gets into the room and then, when he sees exactly how distressed Ed is, he sinks down beside him and softens his voice and reverts to the more personal and intimate “Ed”, his voice soft and concerned. This isn’t like the times before when Ed was angry, he seems to have realised. This is something else, something where Ed needs less of a grown-up-to-grown-up address and more of his friend being there for him.

And of course, we have the scene with the orange when Stede is back in Barbados.

Hello, I shall be over here sobbing that while Stede and Ed would be knocking elbows on the ship, Stede in Bridgetown sits at the far end of his table, exactly as he does with Mary, and refers to Ed by his full name, stiffly polite and formal. Because that’s how things are done here. That is how he will do them.

[lgbtqasacrew]

PLSPLSPLSPLSPLS CAN I HAVE A TOOTH ROTTINGLY FLUFFLY HURT/COMFORT FIC WITH STEDDYHANDS X READER

Reader gets pretty messed up mentally and physically after getting kidnapped by the British navy and they all comfort them and patch them up??? Either he/him or they/them pronouns if possible 🩷🩷🩷

Summary: Coping with the aftermath of being held captive by the British Navy, your partners do their best to look after you

Relationships: Steddyhands x Reader

Word count: 2.7k+

Warnings: Descriptions of injuries, hand wavey pirate medical care, brief mentions of suicidal ideation, mentions of panic attacks and nightmares

A/N: Sorry this took so long, I kinda got carried away with this one oops, I hope there’s enough fluff in there, I got quite into the hurt/comfort part. They/them pronouns for reader

Stede carried you to the captain’s cabin carefully, scared of hurting you further. Ed and Izzy not far behind, Izzy barking some orders at a worried looking crew before slamming the door behind him. You jump at the sudden noise, taking you back to your time in the cell. Stede held you closer, pressing a kiss into your hair, whispering sweet nothings to try and calm you down.

“Sorry” Izzy apologised, chastising himself for making things worse.

You couldn’t help the whimper you let out when Stede lowered you onto the bed you share with all three of your loves. “I’m sorry, darling” Stede apologised, you were quick to assure him it’s not his fault. He was taking such tender care of minding your injuries but they all hurt so much.

One you’re laid onto the sheets, all three men were gently removing your clothes to inspect your injuries. Izzy walked away, your heart ached at the idea of not being near him, but he soon returned, arms full of medical supplies. You suspected that he’d grabbed everything that’s on the ship. Although you felt bad that they were so worried about you, you had to admit it was nice to be cared for.

“Shit Y/N” Izzy exclaimed as he removed your shirt. Your entire torso was covered in bright red cuts from the cat they’d used to torture you. You’d been captured on shore leave, you’d only left your partners sides to get some fresh air. Next thing you know you’re ambushed and taken to a prison owned by the British Navy. Their intentions to torture you to get to Blackbeard and the Gentleman Pirate.

“Oh my darling” Stede cooed, pressing kisses into your hair

“Stede help them sit up for a minute” Izzy asks. Your back matched your front, possibly even worse, ugly raised cuts covering your skin.

“At least we’re matching now Iz” you tried to joke, he humoured you with a huff, offering a small smile that left his lips the moment you looked away again. Izzy and Ed gently work on your back, cleaning it with such tender care, Stede sat beside you holding your hand the whole time.

You hear sniffling beside you to find tears sliding down Stede’s cheeks, it breaks your heart. “I’m sorry”

“What are you sorry for darling?” he asks

“You’re crying because of me”

“Oh honey” he wiped the tears away with the hand not holding yours “I’m upset to see you hurt but it’s not your fault”

“But I wasn’t careful enough, got myself captured like an idiot”

You felt comforting fingers combing through your hair, you somehow knew it’s Izzy, he’s always loved playing with your hair. “It wasn’t your fault love” Ed says “we’re the ones that left you alone”

“I shouldn’t need babysitting” you sulked

“That’s not what Ed means, sweetheart” Stede assured you “it’s just safer if you’re not alone, it’s the same for all of us”

“Yeah next time we’re there we’ll stick together” Ed adds

Shit, you hadn’t considered that one day you might have to return there, the idea made you feel sick. “We don’t really have to go back there, do we?” you could feel your heartbeat rising, your palms suddenly becoming increasingly sweaty.

The three men look at each other, distressed by your sudden panic. “No darling, I’m sure we can avoid going back” Stede says, looking to Ed for backup

“Yeah, there’s plenty of other places we can go, don’t worry about it love” lightly squeezing your shoulder.

“Right your back is all done dear” Izzy says “shall we help you lean back again” They help you lean back against the pillows, it’s painful but you think you’d be in pain no matter how you laid. They do the same for the wounds on your front as you just lay there, mostly staring at nothing. Stede must notice you zoning out as he gives your hand another squeeze, you look to him as he gives you what is probably meant to be a reassuring smile.

They checked the rest of your body, massaging your wrists where they’d been bound for hours, they were so sore, really every part of your body was sore. Once they were sure every injury had been tended to properly, Ed and Izzy awkwardly hovered near you, wanting to comfort you so badly but scared they’d somehow make it all worse.

You took Izzy’s hand, rubbing circles in the back of it. “Join us?” you asked, looking between the two men.

“Are you sure love? We don’t wanna hurt you” Ed replied

“Just do as Y/N says” Stede backs you up, already shuffling closer to the window to make room. They helped you move over until you’re in Stede’s arms, the feel of Stede’s broad chest against your back is a comfort. Izzy slides in next to you with Ed close behind, being surrounded by your partners is pure bliss after the past few days. For the first time in what feels like ages, your body finally lets you rest.

You awoke with a jolt to someone screaming, wait it’s you that’s screaming. You had a nightmare, back in that navy cell as soldier after soldier would come in to torture you as they pleased, as you begged for them to stop and they’d just laugh in your face. Your screaming had of course woken all three men who were wrapped around you but you couldn’t even register them talking as your ears were ringing and your body felt like it was on fire.

One of your partners must have touched your arm to try and comfort you, but to your muddled brain it was a navy soldier wanting to hurt you. You struggled out of their grasp, shooting out of the bed in search of safety.

All three men looked at each other, not sure what just happened, wanting to go comfort you but not wanting to make things worse. Stede, who had been the one to touch you, felt terrible, all he had wanted to do was provide some comfort, he hadn’t wanted to scare you.

“It's not you love” Ed tries to assure him “they woke up screaming, must’ve been having a nightmare, they probably didn’t even know where they were” Logically Stede knew what Ed was saying made sense, but he couldn’t help the hurt he felt when you’d recoiled from his touch.

“What if they don’t want to be with us anymore?”

“I don’t think it’s that” Izzy replied “Y/N has been through a lot, we just have to be there for them”

Stede found you in the auxiliary wardrobe hidden under his golden robe, he had to admit it warmed his heart that you had found safety in an item of his. But he was more worried about you, how small you looked, distress etched into every feature on your tear streaked face.

He approached you in a similar way that you’d approach a scared animal, kneeling in front of you but leaving some space between, not risking touching you again yet. Your brain was clearer now, you were mostly just embarrassed by your outburst. “I’m sorry” your voice so small, it was only audible due to the close proximity.

“Oh darling, you have nothing to be sorry for” Stede assured you “I’m sorry for scaring you back there”

“No” you shake your head, it wasn’t his fault, it’s your fucked up brain. “You didn’t do anything”

He nods in understanding. “I’m assuming you had a nightmare, do you want to talk about it?”

The idea of talking about any of it in that moment seemed impossible, your heart beating faster just at the idea. Another sob tore through you as you shook your head. “I’m sorry, I can’t”

He offered you a small smile “That’s okay dear, Y/N would it be okay if I touched you?”

You didn’t respond with words, instead launching yourself onto him, he took this as permission, wrapping his arms around you, rubbing your back as you cried. “Shh, I’ve got you, I’ve got you my love”

Once your sobs had subsided, he led you back to the bed where Ed and Izzy were waiting for you. You immediately jumped into Ed’s arms, burying your face in his chest, the comforting scent of lavender helping to calm you down. “Shh love you’re safe here, we’ve got you” rocking you gently as it you were a baby, it was actually quite comforting.

You were too scared to go back to sleep that night, worried that the nightmares would return as soon as you closed your eyes. “Stede?”

“Yes darling?”

“Will you read to me?”

He smiled at that, one of his favourite things to do is read to his partners, or anyone for that matter. All four of you settled back into bed, Stede had picked a book of fairytales. You laid your head on Stede’s shoulder so you could see the illustrations, Ed curled around your other side, mindful of your injuries, whilst Izzy laid next to him curled around Ed. Eventually you did find yourself drifting off to sleep again, lulled by the sound of Stede’s voice.

Your stomach turned at the sight of breakfast, Stede had asked Roach to put on a full spread for your first morning back, it was a lovely gesture. But you’d been on reduced rations your whole time in the cell, your stomach had shrunk and eating just felt overwhelming to you.

You nibbled on a croissant hoping it wouldn’t be too much for your stomach to handle, all three of your partners watched you as you ate. You knew they were just concerned but it was kinda off putting, plus it was easily going to give away your lack of appetite.

“Why don’t you have some toast and marmalade?” Stede offered.

“I’m fine thanks babe”

“They’ve barely eaten” Izzy interjects, he sounded angry but you knew he was just concerned about you.

“Izzy” Ed warns

“They need to eat Ed, i’m sure those twats barely fed them”

“Izzy’s right, they could get really ill” Stede adds

Whilst the men were discussing you like you weren’t even there, you found yourself bursting into tears. Once again you were burdening the men you loved the most, you wondered if it had been better if you’d died in that cell. Yes they would’ve been upset but they had each other, now they had to worry about you too.

Stede, who was sitting opposite you, was the first one to notice your tears, immediately running over to comfort you. “Oh my darling” brushing away your tears with his thumb. “I’m sorry, we shouldn’t have been talking about you as if you’re not here”

“It’s not your fault i’m so broken”

“Hey, you are in no way broken” he reassured you

“Stede I can’t even eat a stupid croissant without bursting into tears and now you’re all worried about me”

“It’s only because we love you”

“You don’t have to”

Ed’s head snapped up at that “What?”

“You don’t have to be with me anymore, just drop me off at the nearest port, or even just push me over the side of the ship, everyone would be better off”

Your partners stared at you with wide eyes, shocked that you could say such a thing. Izzy couldn’t take it anymore, you cringed at the sound of his chair scraping against the floor as he stood up, storming off and slamming the door behind him. He wasn’t angry with you, he was furious at himself, he had sworn to protect you and failed, and now you were asking them to throw you overboard. Ed followed him after him whilst Stede stayed to comfort you, guiding you over to the sofa so you could cuddle.

“How about a bath darling? I always find them really relaxing”

It was nice to be able to wash off all the grime, it hadn’t exactly been clean in that cell.

Once the bath had been filled with warm water, Stede guided you to the tub, helping you undress without aggravating your injuries too much. The water was soothing even if it made your cuts sting, it was nice to be clean again after so long. Your eyes closed as Stede gently cleaned your skin, it was soothing to be so cared for after everything that’s happened.

“Does Izzy hate me?” You asked him, worrying about why he had stormed out at breakfast.

“What? No darling, he’s just worried about you like we all are”

“I don’t mean to worry everyone”

“I know love, none of this is your fault, we just want to help you”

“What if I- what if I can’t be helped”

“Oh honey, it’s going to be okay, you have us, and the crew and we all love you and want to help you, okay?” You nodded, maybe Stede was right, they’re your family, maybe they can help you to heal. He takes extra care as he washes the dirt and sweat out of your hair, having clean hair again feels amazing.

You’re resting with Stede on the sofa when Ed and Izzy re-enter the cabin, both men look like they’ve been crying which makes your heart sink, knowing it was probably because of you.

“Iz has something to say” Ed nudged his partner forward

“I- um, I wanted to apologise for storming out”

“It’s fine Iz” you promise him “I know you just needed some time” Ok part of you had been convinced that Izzy was angry at you, but deep down you knew he sometimes needed that time alone to think.

“I just wish there was something I could do”

“Iz love, just having you three here with me is enough”

“Hmm” He wasn’t convinced, he’s used to being in control of a situation, he in no way blames you but everything now feels out of whack and he doesn’t know what to do.

You held your hands out gesturing for him to come closer, once he’s in front of him you held his hands in yours. “I mean it Iz, as long as I have you three I’ll be okay” He nodded, a stray tear falling down his cheek, he knew he would be there for you, whatever you needed. He joined you on the sofa, sitting on the other side, whilst Ed sat next to Stede. You had no idea how long you all stayed like that but frankly you didn’t care.

Over the next few weeks you were slowly recovering, your appetite getting a little better day by day, but you were still occasionally plagued by nightmares and there was that constant nagging fear that it would happen again. You knew you wouldn’t survive it a second time.

It didn’t escape anyone’s notice that you were constantly stuck to the side of at least one of your partners at any given time. Once there was an incident where Stede had left you for a second with Jim and Olu and you started freaking out, he definitely didn’t make that mistake again.

You felt pathetic, but even the thought of being apart from them again, albeit even just in another room, was too much to bear. No one ever commented on it, it was just this unspoken new normal for the ship, where your partners were, you weren’t far behind. They were of course worried about you but were happy that you felt comforted by their presence, plus they had to admit it was comforting to them to know you were safe.

This was fine until the ship was raided, meaning you got separated from your partners, you ended up fleeing to one of the secret rooms. As soon as the raid was over they start to panic about where you’d gone, luckily Lucius had seen you flee and points them in the right direction.

They find you curled up in the corner of one of the smallest rooms, this doesn’t dissuade them from joining you though. It’s a tight fit, what with two of your partners being around six foot, but it’s actually quite comforting to be so close.

They don’t say anything, just huddled close, your breaths mingling in the small space. You still had a long way to go but you knew you’d never have to cope alone.

[epersonae]

You've made me mad with power. Director's Cut of "I Spit On Your Grave", please.

Obviously I wanted -- no, needed -- to write a fic where Stede finds out what actually happened with Izzy while he was gone.

It is a key aspect of my Bad Ending fic in case I never make it through to where you are that Stede does NOT know, because I think otherwise he would have actually killed Izzy in that fic. I had a lovely long conversation with my therapist about that, both that fic generally and this question of knowing what was done to someone you love who is gone. Because HOOBOY did s2 kick up all my feelings about Ryn's parents, especially their mother; there was a piece of information that I found out after Ryn died that made me so angry I did seriously have a full-blown panic attack about it.

So yeah, I was always going to write something, but part of my writing process especially with shorter works is that I need a hook, something to get me into it -- an image or a sentence, something concrete to pull together whatever messy ideas have been spinning around in the blender.

And of course, I might have written it sooner (and it would have been a different fic) but I did break my leg right before Christmas, and that basically took me out not just physically but also mentally for about two months. I actually started making some notes in late January but I didn't have any stamina to do the writing until late February.

I knew the hook was going to be a bit back from the actual harm -- I've been fascinated by this question of how Izzy never says that "his captain" is actually Blackbeard since way back in my first watches of the show, and then there's kind of a running joke around here about how Stede always leads describing the meet-cute with "so I'd been gut-stabbed" like babygirl what. And the phrase "just happened upon our ship" or whatever that is, when MY DUDE HE'S BEEN FOLLOWING YOU THIS WHOLE TIME. The whole thing has this mix of Izzy having been lying through his teeth and Stede being hilariously oblivious that cries out for something to dig into.

And then I saw this post by @iamadequate1, and OH OKAY. Because weaponized therapy language and isolation in emotional abuse is something that, well. Yeah. Plus it had all the relevant bits of dialogue in one post! Plus I'd been thinking about Izzy as an unreliable narrator for almost two years, and I'd been thinking specifically about people with uhhhhhh a "flexible relationship with the truth" (to use a line from the fic), and a tendency to say different things to different people in order to evade responsibility.

So I made some notes, according to the document history at the end of January, and then probably either went back to sleep or back to watching Perry Mason. Came back to it in late February, and the first two-thirds or so came together pretty quickly and then I got stuck. I knew I wanted something with Stede yelling at the grave, but I'd sort of written myself into a corner where that didn't seem to be happening. (Basically, got to the point where he holds Ed while Ed is crying.)

And then I saw THIS post by @celluloidbroomcloset, and something clicked together about "doggie heaven" and the parallel with Ned Low, and somehow that was the rug that tied the room together. Probably because also they're both dead, Izzy and Ned, and that leads to this question of the impossibility of revenge, and that so much of the time there's just nothing you can do, really, and that also hurts. Even if they're not dead; there's just no point, like what the fuck are you gonna do, exactly? Which is sort of where the Mary parallel comes in, I think, and also not giving Izzy credit for bringing them together, because that's all them.

All in all this is a really special fic for me, trying to find this balancing point where things are pretty good for them, actually, but they still need to work through their respective hurts and be properly seen -- fill in all the blanks so they can move forward.

[izzy-b-hands]

Been having a weird time waking up (small panic attack and body aches) while my brain is bombarding me with fic ideas (if it wants them so badly then it should LET ME WRITE THEM TO COMPLETION AND PUBLISHING but i digress)

Including a drawfee moment inspired one that im tapping the general idea out here bc it might not ever make it to the page otherwise and it keeps rattling in my head and has been for over a month so

We're in s2. But different. Slightly, at least. Stede's still brought Ed back onboard after barely a day of him being gone (if that), and suggestions are flying for how to help everyone feel more comfortable together.

Including, at Stede's insistence, Drawing Lessons with Lucius.

It's very clear, as he directs them in their sketching, that they're drawing something that has Ed's head/face, like the rest of Lucius' current sketches, but perhaps the best/worst of the entire situation

Is Ed, in his punishment suit and bell, at the end of the table, attempting to sketch. Not doing badly at all, actually. Which is both fine and not fine for poor Lucius, who just really wishes he wasn't this close to Ed physically at all rn

And it builds and builds until he's jumping any time anyone so much as clears their throat, and then.

Ed shows confusion at the next instruction. It's slightly unusual, or seems that way at least, for the current drawing.

Cut to Lucius leaning down to Ed, and directly in his ear asking, hissing with barely held back frustration over ALL OF IT because fucking christ he TOLD Stede he wasn't ready for something like this let alone also involving Ed:

"Do you know what a rectangle is?!"

(relevant animation of this Drawfee bit can be found here, for context of some kind lmao. The link should start it right at the beginning of the right clip, but if it doesn't, then it starts at 1:10 in this video:

)

Idk what else to pad this idea with to attempt to make it a full fic, bc it feels like the next thing to happen is gonna be Ed and Lucius tackling each other and not in a sexy fun way

but I do absolutely have the next bit present in my head of like. Archie gently saying she does know what a rectangle is, but if anyone else is having trouble that's okay, maybe they can all share their progress while they wait for Teacher (Lucius) to be ready again; she's trying so hard to help hold the vibe together, showing off her lovely sketch in progress while Ed and Lucius tumble in the background (they're not really fighting, just sort of grappling. They don't actually want to hurt one another, but they're also not getting the Emotions out any other way so. Awkward slightly threatening grapple with each other while Stede lets Archie take over the sketching session, "you guys wanna draw a snake with Ed's face? I can teach you that, and it doesn't even involve any rectangles!" and a cheer goes up from them all.)

[offthefieldsmau]

⚽ 2.136

“Stede,” Lucius tried again, “I promise you, we were going to let you know—

“That it was all a lie?” A sick, tense expression flickered over Stede’s face, “You never actually wanted to…” trailing off was worse than finishing the sentence. If the words came out, Stede couldn’t put them back in, he couldn’t convince himself it wasn’t true.

But their expressions gave it all away, and that hurt even more.

His friends— his family; trust that he put into them was crushed under the toe of a boot. The illusion of their excitement to hear more about the thing he loved— the thing that got him through adolescence, through the divorce, through everything—

(And it wasn’t like they didn’t know that, either. They were all there when he came out, when he and Mary split; it was a collective (family) effort to pull him away from yet another ‘Rings marathon during that phase.)

That thing that he loved (that he clung onto like a comforting lifeline) was nothing but a tool for them to use as a means to deceive.

Looking at their faces, at the guilt and shame from the dawning realization Stede just so happened to stumble upon, all Stede could feel was betrayed and hurt. If they weren’t interested in the story and wanted to simply do it for his benefit, sure, he could see it but—

But it wasn’t that. It was to protect Ed. Fucking Ed who put their kids through goddamned boot camp— for what? A single win?

A win that turned out to cost Stede the trust he had put into his friendship, no less. A win that had a joy short-lived, as the truth came tumbling out amidst the celebration.

“Stede, it is not like that—” but Lucius, as well as everyone else, knew how it looked.

Stede himself looked torn to shreds.

“Whatever it was ‘like,’ I don’t want to hear it,” he turned to Mary, “Did you know about this?” His voice was quiet, scared, small, broken—

If Mary had known and not told Stede, there weren’t words to describe the earth-shattering pain he would feel.

“No,” Mary insisted, “Stede, I had no idea—”

“Right,” he swallowed the lump in his throat, “I’ll see you for dinner? I need— I—” his lip trembled, his whole body shook in anger, “I can’t do— I can’t be here right now.”

Ironically, the only place Stede wanted to be was curled up with the well-loved book in his hands. His eyes reading over the immersive environment and his heart and soul taking him there in an instant. He couldn’t stand reality; he needed the comfort of those characters that he knew. Characters that he could trust; friends like a fellowship of Hobbits helping their protagonist on a journey against evil.

Stede was not beyond comparing himself to Frodo currently. In his spiraling mind, mentally escaping to a happy place like Middle-Earth was all that could stop him from having a full-blown panic attack.

Mary reached out to Stede, who took a step back as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, “Yeah,” she said quietly, “I can handle the kids. Just—” she had a pleading look on her face, “call me, okay?”

Stede nodded, and without a second glance to his “fellowship,” he left.

[biceratops7]

Fuck I love episode 6 so much…

CW: detailed discussions of a PTSD attack and trauma, mentions of domestic violence

You know why?? Because my special interests is psychology BECAUSE IDK WHY TF IT’S SO HARD TO JUST LET MEN HAVE NORMAL ASS MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS.

Literally, every friggin’ character who’s (textually) traumatized and male has to be either a war veteran or a serial killer for some reason. Like where the hell are all the dudes who shut down, cry, have panic attacks, use comfort items, regress a bit in language capabilities till they’re more grounded, you know, things that trauma actually causes??

I think I blue screened of death like 5 times watching this episode cause I couldn’t believe the show was just… letting this happen. Like thank fuck, (and please correct me if I’m wrong because I do not have this condition) an actually accurate depiction of ptsd for once! And now kindly follow me into the land of bullet points to illustrate this more clearly.

Ed’s anxiety/ level of functioning is not homogenized. He’s shown throughout the episode to have varying degrees of tolerance to triggers depending on the context and his emotional state. Telling the story to people he trusts in a safe context shakes him up a bit, but he’s ultimately able to laugh it off. Being reminded of the trauma when the environment is super chaotic and he’s about to literally repeat the event with someone he deeply cares for causes a full blown flashback.

It follows the proper… anatomy I guess(?) of a ptsd attack. Ed’s subplot in this episode is spent mainly breaking down his defenses, so when eventually there’s a sensory reminder (trigger) of his trauma he’s not prepared for, there’s a big reaction. He experiences a flashback (unsolicited vivid remembering, can be so intense your subconscious thinks you’re actually there), and he has a completely realistic response to it. No one’s concerned with emasculating him or whatever the fuck, men get overwhelmed and burst into tears sometimes damnit! And afterwards he’s not just fine, he actually needs to be grounded, attempting to take care of himself before Stede comes and helps him calm down completely. This isn’t seen as weak in the slightest, it’s just extremely unrealistic to expect someone to do such a thing quickly or without help.

There’s nuance and complexity. It’s unclear whether or not Ed’s breakdown was ultimately caused by the mention of the kraken, or the banging sounds of the puppet. It’s not supposed to be clear, not even to Ed. It’s obvious that witnessing the abuse of his mother and killing his father are not easily separated events in his memory. Trauma isn’t clean and pretty like that, and it doesn’t draw a perfectly traceable line from past to present in a one to one ratio.

He’s shown to continuously have triggers, it’s not just treated as a plot device cause we need Ed to break down and admit to attempted murder. And again they aren’t cleanly connected to the major traumatic event of killing his father, but rather smaller things that used to be unsafe day to day. The banging on the door explicitly reminds him of growing up with domestic abuse and watching Izzy fight Stede does so implicitly, being unable to even watch a loved one be put in psychical danger much less intervene.

And the absolute best part, what should be so friggin’ easy to do yet so many shows apparently prove that wrong, is that the framing doesn’t ridicule or belittle Ed for his emotions once. Not one single time. In a comedy no less. Oh sure the scene where he’s crying in a bathtub is fucking hilarious, but absolutely none of the humor comes from the fact that he’s crying in a bathtub. Because the writers know this kind of subject matter should be treated with gravity and are actually talented enough to do so without a weird out of nowhere tone shift. The closest I can think of to Ed’s trauma responses being seen as “funny” is when he falls out of the curtain sobbing and the Dutchmen freak out very cartoonishly and run away. But even then it’s clearly the Dutchmen who are the butt of the joke.

I get the same vibes as when they decided not to depict the abuse of Ed’s mother on screen. They not only portrayed this subject matter correctly but did so thoughtfully. They clearly wrote this episode while considering the needs of those who’d actually be able to relate to it.

[piratecaptainscaptainpirates]

One thing I most mourn about not getting a third season, and one of the things I love imagining and writing about, is figuring out how Ed and Stede will adjust to making a long-term relationship work. They've got such a strong foundation! But they have lingering issues to unpack.

I know they're going to be very successful, because mutual love and respect go such a long way! But every couple will need to communicate and compromise, and I think there are a few things they do that genuinely will annoy and hurt each other until they figure them out. Some unsorted thoughts:

Stede is so, so patient and good with Ed when Ed's panicking, but he can push what he's feeling aside to focus on Ed entirely. Take their little argument in s2e7 - Stede was very clearly hurt when Ed said "last night was a mistake," and though we know Ed was panicking and what he was trying to say was more like "I need something tangible to blame my feelings on right now because I'm scared you'll choose piracy over me," Stede doesn't know that. There's potential for Stede to let things said in the heat of the moment fester instead of just telling Ed that something hurt him.

Ed is often very direct and clear with communicating what he wants and needs to Stede, and Stede's very bad for giving mixed signals when he's feeling conflicted. Talking about running away to China is a prime example - Stede's body language was screaming "I don't think that's a good idea," but he said "yes" with his mouth. There's room for miscommunication.

On a similar note, Stede isn't always good at articulating his wants and needs, and I think Ed could very easily get frustrated by that when they have situations like Stede telling him that no, no, it's fine, they don't have to paint the living room blue, and then they get home and Stede starts moping about getting a different color of paint.

Ed is a very, very competent person. He's very used to things coming easily to him, and because of this, he's a one-plan kinda guy. He gives up very easily when things don't go to plan. He is going to have a full-on panic attack, crying breakdown when he tries to fix a section of roof and it caves in.

Ed strikes me as a stress-cleaner. Stede is absolutely the type of person who NEEDS to have quiet wind-down time after 9 p.m. Their worst arguments will be because Ed absolutely has to "deep-clean the entire fucking house at eleven at night with the world's loudest trash bin, Edward!"

Stede's self-esteem is so shitty that, while he loves compliments and affection, it's probably going to hurt Ed's feelings when he keeps saying mean things about his appearance, skills, and personality no matter how much Ed reassures him. Like, does he not believe Ed?

Ed's going to have this bit where every time Stede leaves him alone in the house for more than five minutes at a time he's going to pout and be all "I thought you left me again" in a bid to get extra cuddles and attention. Stede hates this bit

[teeny-tiny-revenge]

This moment haunts me. Because this is where the fatal disconnect happens (respectively where it shows clearly). They have other misunderstandings. Episode 8/ the whole business with Calico Jack is full of misunderstandings. They both fail throughout season one (and possibly also through some of s2) to see how much the other one is really struggling, because both of them think the other is the bee's knees. Ed never realises how isolated, lonely and ill fit Stede was in his past life (some of that is on Stede for never talking, but hey, a misunderstanding is a misunderstanding).

But this here? Ed's position on Being Blackbeard? They talked about that! It was one of the first things they talked about! Ed made it very clear how having to be Blackbeard makes him feel. Treading water, waiting to drown. And Stede, in this first conversation, seems to get it! It's one of the things they connect about! The feeling of being trapped, of wanting an out. Their whole lessons exchange gig is about Ed wanting to be something else but Blackbeard. It falls a bit by the wayside after the posh party disaster, but in the beginning of their friendship/relationship, you get the idea that Stede knows Ed is done with Blackbeard and that he accepts this as fine. Stede idolises Blackbeard the legendary pirate, but once they meet, he immediately sees the man behind the mask, he sees Ed the person, and it's Stede who suggests that if Ed is so unhappy with piracy, perhaps he ought to consider retirement. It's Stede's idea! Ed only realises that's an option because Stede says it!

So Ed has probably gone all their time together feeling like this is the one person who is accepting of him wanting a change away from Blackbeard. And then Stede doesn't understand Ed being chuffed at this very change. And Ed clearly thinks so; he's pretty chill in the socks scene. He's like "come on man it was over long ago and we both know it". He's talking to Stede like Stede should know and understand that Blackbeard is done and over.

But Stede doesn't! Ed losing his beard, tied so closely to the Blackbeard identity, terrifies Stede! It's a big shock! He doesn't clock Ed's feelings about the situation at all. He doesn't see that Ed is relieved and content to do something different. (Anything different!) He doesn't even fully believe it when Ed tells him later, that what makes Ed happy is Stede and how good it feels to take a load off. Stede is Not Listening At All here. And he isn't listening at all because the moment of seeing a beardless Ed folding socks shocks him into a panicked "oh god what have I done" mode.

And this panic over having made Ed lose this thought integral part of his identity is the kindling to the inferno that is the Chauncey caused panic attack and leaving to go back to his old life. Chauncey tells Stede lots of things Stede already believes about himself. That he is worthless, that he destroyed his family, and that he brought the great Blackbeard to ruin. Chauncey's whole speech only works because Stede already believes All That. And him believing All That means that Stede too never really took Ed's claim that he wants to stop being Blackbeard to heart.

And this is what has been haunting me since I first watched this. Because when does this big fatal disconnect happen? When does Stede move from being the guy who sees Ed? And why? (It's especially puzzling because afterwards, in the beginning of s2, Stede is shown to understand Ed so well that he can correctly tell what was going on with Ed even though he wasn't even there to see any of it happen.)

Is it Ed signing the Act of Grace for Stede? Is it that deep down Stede, who enjoys piracy, still thinks being Blackbeard has to be great? I can't make it make sense!

But this is the moment of shit hits fan. You don't quite see it yet, it's just out of frame. But this big fat misunderstanding about what Ed wants to do concerning Blackbeard is what fuels Stede leaving and thus the big terrible breakup. Because a Stede who understands that Ed is done Blackbearding wouldn't be shocked into a panic over the shaving of The Beard, and if he wasn't this shocked over the Nobeard situation, he could have maybe properly digested Ed's speech on the beach about how happy he is to stop Blackbearding and how much he wants a new life (with Stede). But Stede never actually hears (or processes) "I want a new life with you". A good bit of this is down to Stede's terrible self esteem and his own trauma. But there's also this bit there where Stede doesn't understand this big fundamental thing that makes Ed tick, and until then he seemed to be so good at understanding Ed, and the point of failure is not one of their many unmentioned traumas. It's a thing Ed has talked about to Stede more than once.

Argh. Haunted.

[dickfuckk]

Question cause I haven't seen anyone else talk about this: where is Stede's bathroom? When Ed freaks out he scoots into the auxiliary closet. Then next we see him he's in the bathtub. Is his bathroom in the closet? Cause like, I can't imagine a man having a panic attack would come out of the closet (hehe), walk across a room full of people, and go down the hall to another room.

Which leads to another question: how is the auxiliary closet a secret?? Wouldn't he need help filling up the tub? I know the show's a bit anachronistic, but I doubt Stede invented plumbing/water heaters 2 centuries early.

Babe you are so valid for this, but I'm pretty sure the Revenge is about as nonsensical as Hogwarts

Although I believe I saw a post somewhere that had made a floorplan for the ship so if anyone knows what I'm talking about please feel free to link that post lmao

EDIT: Thank you @pickle92 bless you! Here’s the post with the floorplan

This post does seem to put the bathroom in a separate room though

But to answer your question, in ep6 you are correct, Ed enters the auxiliary closet

(You can barely fucking tell in this screenshot but it's correct)

In ep4 however, it does seem like the bathroom and closet might be in the same room, cause you can kind of see the sink behind Stede? (idk if that’s a sink actually but it does seem like the bathroom is behind Stede)

The bathtub would be hiding behind the wall I suppose.

You add an interesting point with Stede needing to tell people about the bathtub and therefore the auxiliary closet. I briefly thought he could have told Lucius, but then Lucius would have definitely used that hiding spot in episode 2 & 3 when Jim was hunting him down - so that means Stede must be filling up that bathtub on his own I guess... I somehow feel like it's very out of character for Stede to fill up his own bathtub, but I suppose he values his secret closet enough? Unless he is somehow able to section off the closet with a sliding door or something, so it just looks like a bathroom? Much to think about

I have another question though. In ep4 Stede has to dramatically open the auxiliary closet with his little gay statue, but in ep6 Ed just pushes the door open no problem. Which means the statue really serves no purpose other than dramatic effect. They're so perfect for each other honestly

[dragonmuse]

you mentioned izzy's allergies in the newest au and im really curious how this izzy and eddy would have navigated those

Just like in the main verse, Izzy always had nut allergies, but as sometimes happens, he gains more of them as he gets into his twenties. The first time was a work and he just hid if from Eddy entirely. They were only roommates then and he didn't think it was important. Eddy thinks he's just a picky eater which seems in line with all Izzy's weirdness.

When he finally does have a full-on reaction around her, she gets very coolly practical like she used to in crisis in her old job. It's easy to get him to the hospital and to even joke with the nurses. It's only when they get home that she retreats into her own bedroom and gives him the cold shoulder for days.

Izzy isn't sure if he needs to apologize or if this is something else altogether and has about fifty panic attacks about it until he finally goes the apology route.

Eddy just stares a hole through him and he gives up after that. It takes a full week before they just start acting like everything is back to normal.

He gets a specialist, gets allergy tested and starts being more careful. It doesn't happen again for years. By the time he has a touch based reaction at a concert venue they're at, they've been a couple for awhile. Eddy's calm again, watches while he uses the Epi-Pen and makes sure he gets checked out.

When she shuts down this time, he throws up his hands about it,

"I can't help it," he told her. "What do you want me to do, huh?"

"Not fucking die," she said coldly.

He stared at her then nodded, "I'm doing my best, all right?"

"Yeah," they sighed. "I know."

So the answer to how they deal with it is like...not great? Izzy tries to take care of himself, but shit happens and Eddy is never good about coping with it, so that's a fun extra thing to wrestle with after.

Once, and Eddy will never know about it, Izzy has a reaction at work and the damn ER nurse keeps hectoring him about driving himself home. Everyone else is busy and Izzy is too fucking tired to deal with Eddy about it, so he calls Stede, who picks him up without question. They never ever talk about it again and Stede never tells Eddy about it.

[gilmores-glorious-blog]

tw: very long vent incoming:

i hate fandom discourse so fucking much and every goddamn time i think i’ve come across a fandom that’s free of it it’s not and every time it gives me a panic attack and i hate it because i know it makes me a shitty person i know it does that’s part of why it gives me a panic attack but i just,, i try to put as much energy as i can outside of fandom to being a good person and a good activist and it can be tiring as fuck for a teenage girl who’s had to spend her years of growing up in this fucked up excuse of a world and fandom is my only place of escape from that but then it isn’t and it never is and every time i’m suddenly being yelled at that i’m racist or i’m transphobic or i’m sexist or i’m homophobic (those last two are especially fun since i’m literally. a queer woman.) and it’s just a lot to handle and the problem usually doesn’t even make sense to me like,, as someone who was into hamilton for a while and understands now that it is Fucked Up, ofmd really doesn’t seem like the same thing like?? i get that the real people were shitty and i get that it’s kinda weird that they used real names instead of creating new characters but like,, people aren’t being like “oh my god the real actual person blackbeard/stede bonnet is my poor little meow meow and i love him omg!!” like they were with hamilton (or at least not that i’ve seen. if they are then. stop. obviously.) like it’s just the names and careers and general dates that are the same there’s little fuck all for historical accuracy in this show it’s not supposed to be a biography defending these slave owners because yeah of course they were terrible people, irl blackbeard was fucking AWFUL jfc i knew that going into this show,, these are fictional characters,,, and i KNOW that i shouldn’t say this i shouldn’t get a say in this i know that full well goddamnit and i hate myself for it i hate that i can’t just accept valid criticism of things it’s my least favorite thing about myself and that’s saying something because there’s a lot i hate about myself, but i just. i can’t lose that happy space of a hyperfixation i CAN’T. i never can it’s always the bright spot in my life and that’s why i’ve always hated discourse but now especially,,,, ofmd and cr are the ONLY good things for me right now i am in a VERY bad place mentally except for the little bit of joy that those things bring me and i can’t afford to lose that i can’t afford to be a good person and not consume problematic media it’s literally the only thing keeping me going i’m legitimately scared of what will happen if i let this discourse get to me and i lose ofmd i need these hyperfixations or i’m going to be in a. very very bad place mentally. obviously ignore all of this i just need to word vomit into the void or i’m going to actively have a panic attack,,, and please please please god don’t give me shit on this don’t try to explain the discourse further if you read this post and your takeaway is that you should just continue the discourse on this post then ur a shitty person and please just fuck off. i know i’m a shitty person too. believe me. i don’t need to hear it again.

[phantom-ellie]

The Man who Forgot: Chapter 3

Click here for CW/Full Chapter List

Our Flag Means Death Whumptober 2022 Day 7: Shaking Hands/Silent Panic Attack

The thing about sitting and waiting is, is I'm not good at it. I'm not good at waiting at all. I'm fucking vibrating, inside energy wants to be outside, where are the exit points? I think they're in the fingertips, the toes. the eyes, the throat. That's where all the fucking energy comes out. But there aren't enough exit points on me right now, it's too much and it's built and built and it has nowhere to fucking go.

Stede is lucky, he has one more exit point. That's why he won't wake up. All the energy escaped through the hole in his gut. If I had remembered, he'd have kept some of it in. He would talk to me, say something fun, be my friend, for fuck's sake.

What if he changes his mind? What if he remembers, remembers that friends don't leave friends pinned to the mast? That friends don't let friends get stabbed by their other friends? That friends don't ruin each others' bathtubs?

I follow this line of thought to the end, but the end comes quickly, because the end of the thought is that I don't deserve Stede, I don't deserve to be here, I should go away, join my fleet, burn and pillage and steal like a pirate, because that's what pirates fucking do, and Stede's kind of pirate isn't for me. I can't be Stede's kind of pirate. I can't kill with kindness, I can't even kill, the only person I've ever killed is my dad.

But the thing is, I don't want to go back. I want to stay. I want to stay here more than anything, fuck, more than I want to live.

So my breathing speeds up to match my thoughts, faster and faster, and I am holding Stede's hand because it's warm, because it's there, because I can, and both of our hands are shaking and I don't know who started it, I don't know whose fault it is, but I can't let go. I don't know how to slow down, not ever. I will just go faster and faster and faster until I explode, the energy just pops out of me and I disintegrate into ocean spray that coats the wrong side of the hull, and no one will ever know what happened to me. Stede will ask one day, whatever happened to old Blackbeard, and the boy will shrug and keep doodling in his fuck journal and nobody will care. And maybe there's a tiny grain of hope in my that Stede will care no matter what, but if he doesn't wake up I'm fucked, because I have no other friends and no one else can help me.

So I'm shaking and breathing the fastest I ever have, and fucking Blackbeard doesn't feel fear so I won't say that I'm afraid, even if the feeling I have is identical to fear, and I just get faster.

A hand is on my shoulder and I jump, not in fear, just surprise, and it's the boy holding a robe like the sun. The robe that kept me safe. And I want to hide under it, I want to cry under it, I want to disappear under it, but I can't do that, because I'm not the only one who needs protection.

He does too.

So I put the robe over him like a blanket, to keep him safe, and if I snuggle under it with him fuck off, no one has to know, I do what I want. And then I pretend I'm Stede, because Stede was so brave tonight, he was brave twice, and I was a coward both times. And so I pretend like I'm Stede and breathe slowly like Stede, I close my eyes like Stede, and while I can't bleed like Stede I can imagine good feelings, something warm and happy and welcome, flowing out of my chest and into his, because that's what friends do, I think. I think they share.

And then I can slow down.

Chapter 4