#and even if the word itself doesn't apply to me

[morporkian-cryptid]

This year, for the first time in my life I'm going to attend a TDOV event while identifying as non-binary and being comfortable in that identity ^^

It's been a long, long road, and there's still much of it to walk. It still feels strange to me to say explicitly that I am non-binary, I am very shyly counting myself when talking about the trans community. But here I am! I am not a woman and I haven't been for a long time. My gender is complicated, blurry, and I still don't have a clear word for it, but I no longer feel like I need one. For a long time I felt like I lived in the margins of gender; not woman enough to be cis, but not other enough to be trans. But there's no such thing as "not trans enough"; I have my place in this community. Thank you all for being here, being so welcoming and patient, and giving me the time I needed to grow into myself. I'm not quite done figuring myself out and I suspect I never will be, and that's not only alright, it's reassuring and exciting!

Happy Trans Day of Visibility!

[gold-onthe-inside]

Request (slightly nsfw): Spencer comes into work and doesn’t info dump in the briefing. The team questions him and turns out he cut his tongue on his gf’s piercing.

tongue-tied

who? spencer reid x bau!reader (no use of y/n, called cupcake by morgan) content warnings: a little making out and a little foreplay, doesn't really get past that word count: 1.6k songs: say when by the fray a/n: i really struggled balacing the line between banter and bullying for derek and spencer, but consider it early seasons where derek doesn't know where to draw the line <3

They weren't even supposed to be working today, but it's not like crises come scheduled, and who was to blame Spencer for starting his Saturday morning with a little enthusiasm?

He liked taking his time with his girlfriend (a fact that still felt unreal to him, the word itself felt so strange in his mouth), kissing every inch of her. She was like poetry. Everything about her drew Spencer to her. He took her all in - every breath, every movement, the way she arched up into him. His girlfriend. He still wasn’t entirely used to the concept, but that was what he enjoyed about this slow Saturday morning. He had time to memorise every inch, his fingers gently tracing over her skin.

His mouth trailed up to her ear, feeling her shiver, and then a jolt of pain stabbed through his tongue, catching on the back of her piercing. He let out a slight hiss, drawing back. “Ah…” Spencer’s hand lifted, gently dabbing at his tongue, the pain spreading across his mouth.

"What happened?" you asked, looking at him, concerned, tucking strands of hair behind your ear.

“Your earrings…” Spencer ran his tongue over the roof of his mouth, his face twisting at the lingering sting.

You tutted, sitting up. "Show me."

Spencer obeyed, opening his mouth and sticking out his tongue to show her. A small bead of blood pooled in the centre, a testament to the tiny yet rather painful wound.

"Hold on, I probably have some glycerin somewhere," you said, shifting off his lap and towards her wardrobe, rummaging through a drawer.

Spencer raised a quizzical eyebrow at her, slightly amused despite his uncomfortable injury. “What kind of person just has glycerin laying around?”

"The kind who eats pizza too quickly when it's hot," you replied, returning with a small bottle and a cotton bud. "Open up."

Spencer’s mouth curled up in a smile, which was quickly interrupted by a brief wince as she used the soaked cotton bud to apply the glycerin. “Well, at least it’ll taste good this way…” he teased, poking his tongue back out.

You chuckled as you dabbed at the cut, and their phones rang simultaneously, making your shoulders sag.  "With that kind of unity, it must be Hotch."

Spencer grumbled slightly, reluctantly leaving the bed to reach for his phone on the nightstand. “I was hoping for a quiet Saturday…” he mumbled, lifting his phone. Sure enough, Hotch’s name was on the caller ID.

"Ha, no such thing," you scoffed, grabbing your own phone and answering JJ as you grabbed an outfit from your closet.

Talking hurts. In fact, everything that hits his tongue sends a sliver of sharp pain, and so he's uncharacteristically short with everyone, which raises more than a few eyebrows in the briefing.

"No statistic on that to bring up?" Emily asked, her smile teasing and even Derek's got a laugh that he's masking.

"Didn't seem relevant," he said quickly, withholding a wince, and it was like you could sense the danger of getting caught when you brought up a question to Rossi to bring attention back to the case. If only that had gotten the them off his back.

Derek cornered him in the kitchenette, smirking as he sauntered over. "What was that in there? Cat got your tongue?"

On another day, he would have launched into a story of how the phrase originated from the cat o' nine tails, and so saying it meant that you had been flogged into submission, or from the Middle Ages where it was believed that witches would allegedly steal tongues and it transferred onto the black cats that accompanied them as familiars, or that ancient Egyptians who worshipped cats would punish liars and blasphemers by feeding their tongues to cats. Instead, all he said was, "Just didn't feel like it," and continued stirring his coffee.

Derek immediately noticed the lack of a long-winded, completely off-topic, but fascinating rant. And that caught his attention. It was even more suspicious when he couldn’t even look him in the eye, instead keeping his gaze firmly on the coffee maker.

“What aren’t you telling me?” Derek pressed, moving so that he was standing just behind Reid. Derek knew from experience that, if you wanted to prevent him from making a run for it, you had to block his path before he thought to try and escape.

"This kind of behaviour is exactly what gets you in trouble with HR," Spencer pointed out, then winced, his tongue flaring with pain.

Derek’s eyes narrowed as he observed Reid’s face, noting the subtle wince. Something was definitely up. “What’s wrong with your mouth?” he asked bluntly, his eyes now drifting over his face as if they would somehow be able to glean some sort of answer from his expression.

"Nothing," he replied, his voice hitting a higher pitch, a flush colouring his cheeks.

He’s lying. “Bullshit,” Derek said bluntly, his arms folded. “Every time you open your mouth, you wince. So just tell me. What happened?”

"I just burnt my tongue, that's all," he mumbled, hoping Derek would leave it.

Derek’s eyebrows lifted in disbelief. It seemed like a flimsy explanation, and he wasn’t going to let this go. Spencer was hiding something. “You burnt your tongue? How?”

"O-On coffee, I forgot it was hot," he said. God, he should be better at lying than this.

Derek’s frown deepened at his answer. “And you’re sure that’s it? No other reason why your tongue would hurt when you talk?”

"What other reason would there be?" Spencer asked, sipping stale coffee.

Now they were getting somewhere. Derek couldn’t help but notice that his cheeks had turned a light shade of pink. “That’s what I’m asking you, pretty boy,” Derek said, folding his arms across his chest.

"What's it matter to you anyway?" Spencer asked, trying to make his escape.

Derek moved to block his path once again, his eyes watching his friend closely. Something wasn’t right here. “It matters because you’re hurt,” Derek pointed out. “So, just be honest and tell me the truth. What really happened to your tongue?”

Spencer groaned. "I... cut it this morning..." he said, halting and hesitating.

Derek’s eyes narrowed once again at his words, instantly sceptical of his answer. “You cut your tongue?” he repeated, his tone clearly indicating that he didn’t believe him. “And how exactly did you do that?”

"Morgan," he pleaded, protesting.

Derek’s eyes remained locked, searching Spencer’s face for any hint of dishonesty or a lie. “I want the truth, Reid. How did you cut your tongue?”

Spencer's entire neck had become flushed now. "On a piercing," he muttered quietly.

Ah. Derek’s eyes grew a fraction wider, his arms now dropping to his sides as everything clicked into place. That’s why he’d been trying to avoid talking this whole time. “A piercing…” he repeated, a smirk beginning to edge onto his face. “Specifically, whose piercing?”

"Does it matter?" Spencer asked, trying to escape him again and Derek blocked him too easily.

Derek’s smirk widened as he watched Reid begin to squirm under his gaze, and it was clear that he had hit the target.

“Yeah, it does. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be so reluctant to tell me, pretty boy.” A thought suddenly occurred to him, and Derek’s smirk curled into a grin as he studied Spencer for a long, calculated moment. “Wait a goddamn minute. Is this Cupcake's doing?”

"No!" he squeaked.

Derek’s grin widened at his reaction, which immediately told him that he was correct. Bingo. “Oh god, it is…” he said, his tone a mixture of delight and disbelief. “It was her piercing, wasn’t it?”

"What! I never said that!" Spencer cried and his obvious fluster told Derek all he needed to know - he’d hit the mark.

“You didn’t have to say it. You just confirmed it,” Derek drawled. “You can’t hide anything from me, pretty boy. And that means you were with her this morning -” He leaned in, his grin widening a fraction more. “- weren’t you?”

"I- You can't prove anything!"

“Oh, this is priceless…” Derek was clearly enjoying this, his eyes gleaming with mischief as he watched Spencer begin to panic.  “So, let me get this right: you were with your girlfriend this morning - on your day off - and, somewhere along the line, you cut your tongue on her earrings.”

"You don't know it's her," Spencer tried to bluff.

“Dude, you’re blushing like a schoolboy,” Derek pointed. “And you’re being so damn defensive. Put two and two together, genius. I’m not judging, Reid, just wondering - how exactly did you slice your tongue on her earring, anyway?”

"How do you think?" Spencer muttered.

Derek smirked, his eyebrows lifting. “You’re telling me that you were making out with your new girlfriend, and you accidentally cut your tongue on her piercings?”

"I'm not telling you anything!"

Derek’s smirk just grew wider, as he could practically see the thoughts swirling through Spencer’s mind. He absolutely loved getting to him like this. “You could have just told me that it was from making out with your girlfriend, pretty boy. I’m not gonna make fun of you for that. Although, I’m impressed that you somehow managed to cut your tongue in the process…”

Spencer groaned, lowering his head in shame.

Derek chuckled in delight, thoroughly enjoying watching Spencer getting all worked up.

“Hey, don’t worry about it, man,” he said, a wide grin on his face. “As long as it was a good time, a few marks here and there are worth it.”

"Can I go now?" Spencer asked, mortified.

“Yeah yeah, alright,” Derek said, still chuckling to himself as he backed off, allowing Spencer to leave. “Have fun with your girlfriend,” he teased, his tone laced with playful innuendo, watching Spencer scurry off back to his desk.

[spitdrunken]

HIAHA I LOVE HOW YOU WRITE MR SCARLETELLA CAN YOU WRITE MORE. so odd and unsettling and obscene m just giggling with delight

HIIII thank you so much for the high praise <3 this has kind of a different vibe from the last one but plays with similar-esque concepts!!!! this is 'weird and obscene' LMAO

Notes: Suggestive, mild body horror, bolded = dialogue in the Other World's language.

==========================

How do you touch a man without a physical form? Or, you suppose, 'man' isn't quite the correct term. 'Apparition' would perhaps best describe him. Though he can reach out to you and make you feel the illusion of touch, you can't actually make contact with him. Your hand passes through him as if he were nothing but air.

You don't think he minds. It's always a bit hard to tell, with him. Mr. Scarletella ususally just stares you down with a dead look, communication relatively limited. But you would like to touch him! So you experiment a little, an action for which no mutually intelligible word exists. Still, he doesn't move as you poke and prod at different parts of his body, coming up short every single time.

You crouch down before poking at his ankle, just in case. When you look up, your heart stops for just a moment. Mr. Scarletella's neck is snapped back, folded in on itself in order to observe you. Vacant-seeming eyes are trained on your every movement. The sight makes you feel squeamish. "God... Not do," you tell him. "Head look hurt. Not funny." There's no other way you can think of to put it. You get up and stick your hand down, waving your hand in the other direction at the side of his head. He seems to understands what you mean, as his skull snaps back in its usual direction. You circle around him. "Sorry. Not want upset you." He says, although you know he'll never really listen or learn, not when it comes to these things. "Me like you. You like me." As if you'd ever forget. You beckon him. Rather than simply leaning down, his form flickers, distorting, before reappearing in the desired position. There's just one place you haven't touched yet. Once again, you extend your hand, the tips of your fingers brushing against the top of his umbrella. The surface is smooth to the touch and wets your skin, accompanied by a small burst of static ringing in your ears. It takes a moment for the significance to register. "Oh! I can touch your umbrella!" You say, forgetting the Other World's language in excitement over your discovery. Even though it's relatively small. You can't touch Mr. Scarletella himself, but the umbrella appears to be 'realer' than the rest of him. ...Actually, maybe the umbrella is a part of his body? He's not human, after all. He doesn't have to exist according to your logic. Your brow furrows. The puzzle pieces of language move in your mind, until they're slotted together semi-coherently. You point at his arm. "Arm you." Then, you do the same for his leg. "Leg you." You wave your arm up and down. "Body you." Finally, you lift your hand in the direction of the umbrella. "Object you? Me can touch object. Touch you?" Mr. Scarletella's smile widens. It reveals a little bit of the void that stretches on behind his lips. "I see. Correct. Object me. Object is..." After which he lowers his umbrella and says a word you haven't heard before. You try to repeat it, and he says it once again, pointing the umbrella in your direction. "Touch umbrella. I want."

It's definitely... Weird. It's genuinely like touching an umbrella. Cold and smooth and slightly wet. But Mr. Scarletella wanted you to do it, and you're kind of intrigued yourself, so you do it. Because there's clearly something happening. As you trace your fingers over the outer canopy, making sure to at least touch every panel a little bit, his visible form starts to flicker and fade. When you apply a bit more pressure, move a little faster, parts of him start to distort and change colour. His arm appears a little dislodged from his shoulder, static rising in the background.

When you pinch one of the metal tips in between your fingers and rub it, he lets out a laugh that is far more high-pitched than you would've expected it to sound like. Clearly, there's some kind of link between the umbrella and the rest of himself. Though you can't envision what it must be like, he's feeling something. Your hand pauses. In the blink of an eye, Mr. Scarletella has materialised even closer to you, nose close enough to touch yours, if it could. The inky darkness of his pupils makes up most of what you can see.

"Me like. Like like like like." He sounds breathy despite not breathing. "Touch more. Again. Me want you."

[ravens-two]

PAC: What Will Sex be Like with your Person? (18+)

This reading includes:

how sex will be like with your person

The extended reading includes:

dirty talk with your person

what they will think/feel during sex 

Disclaimer: this is just for entertainment purposes, and as a pick-a-card reading it may not resonate for everyone.

TIPS | BOOK A READING WITH ME | PATREON | LINKTREE | SUGGEST A PAC TOPIC

Pile 1

telepatía - Kali Uchis

Three of Swords, Page of Swords, Ten of Cups

You have such a dreamy vibe, pile 1. The energy here is almost Pisces like, you seem like a very sensitive soul and a dreamy person. I think that during sex you tend to use a very soft, breathy voice that contributes to this dreamy vibe. I also get this vibe that with this person in particular you're not just fucking them, you're fucking their mind too, if that makes sense. It's because with you and your partner the seduction game isn't just about the body, it's also the mind. Before the foreplay even begins you're both already seducing one another with your words. It's hard to put into words but this isn't just dirty talk, you know? It's something deeper that leaves you both crazy for each other because it makes you appreciate your partner so very much. Maybe you both get off on each other's intellect.

I think that in your sex life with your partner everything moves quite slowly. The buildup is slow - maybe even happens throughout the whole day for some of you - but the act itself is slow too. You're both very interested in getting the most out of it, so you want to enjoy and appreciate every single moment. This is not the pile for people who enjoy quickies, in fact I don't think that your person would even enjoy it that much.

For this pile I'm also seeing a lot of sexting, sending sexy photos and videos. For some in this pile you might be in a long distance relationship, so phone sex is just a part of it by default. But for others is just because you like to tease during the day so that you and your partner are as needy as possible. On that note, the song needy by Ariana Grande is also coming up.

With the Three of Swords here something that's coming up is pain and bondage. This is going to be different for everyone, of course. For some of you this might be actual BDSM, spanking or getting spanked by your partner, shibari, etc. But, in general, I think that it's something a little milder for most people in this pile. I feel like your partner enjoys holding down your wrists or putting you in handcuffs, and giving your ass or your thigh a smack every once in a while. Again, something milder, more playful rather than intense. In general, for this pile I also think that you tend to be a little more "submissive" than your partner - and honestly what I mean by this is that your partner tends to take initiate more during sex.

No matter what, sex between you and your partner is focused on the love and intense feelings you have for each other. It's a very dreamy and loving experience for the both of you. But more than that, it's also a healing experience for you both, especially if you've been through a traumatic experience.

check out the extended reading on patreon

Pile 2

La Tortura - Shakira

Two of Cups, King of Pentacles, Death

Pile 2, oof, I had to take a deep breath because your energy is so strong and so damn sexy. Like, damn, your vibe is something else. You can picture Shakira, Megan Fox or even Salma Hayek - there's so many examples but those are the ones that came to me right now. Your energy is definitely the dominant one here. I think that your partner would get down on their knees and downright worship you if you let them. You're just that intense.

All of my piles are gender neutral, but for this pile I feel like most of you are women in a relationship with a man (but of course feel free to ignore this part if it doesn't apply!). I think that you walk that man like a dog. He may think that he's "the man" of the relationship, but you're the one actually holding the reins. You're the one that initiates sex more often than not, and your partner just follows after you like a lovesick little puppy desperate to fulfill your every desire. But I also get this vibe that your partner is ready to go whenever and he's just waiting for you to give the go ahead.

When it comes to the sex itself I have to begin by saying: unbelievable orgasms. For both you and your partner. It's so so good it almost feels like you're dying for a second there. You both might take a long time recovering afterwards from how intense it is. I also think that during the act although you're in a more dominant position, I think that you prefer to receive instead of giving. The amazing part is that your partner not only is fine with that, they absolutely love it. You just have to tell them what you want and they will do their very best to make it happen.

Something else that I'm picking up is that you're both very big on touch, so you're probably glued together during sex, exchanging caresses and kisses. You know that type of caress that starts from your hips and ends up on your boobs? That? I see a lot of that. Your partner adores your body and wants to touch as much as they can, but vice-versa. No matter if it's a man or a woman you also really adore your partner's body (and a little secret for you, your touch completely undoes them). If your partner is a man I see him being quite big.

In the end though, sex between you two is about pleasure of course, but also about showing love and appreciation for each other. It's never just fucking. There's a lot of love here. Also, even if you consider yourself to be a little more submissive your partner is just so crazy about you that to them nothing else matters - they just want to please you, not dominate you. I already said this, but your touch really undoes your partner. Like a very simple touch coming from you makes them whine and gets them closer than they'd like (especially the men).

check out the extended reading on patreon

Pile 3

Religion - Lana del Rey

Seven of Swords, King of Swords, Eight of Cups

Pile 3 for you I see two scenarios for you immediately. With this Eight of Cups you guys might be in a long distance relationship or your partner might be into edging. Because there's this sensation of longing here. You want something so very desperately and they don't want to give it to you/can't give it to you. (also, the image you chose is about a couple that will never see each other again, so there's this really "dramatic" energy of missing your person/their touch).

The other thing I'm picking up immediately with the Seven of Swords is that during sex you like being at your partner's mercy. It's this energy of giving yourself to them, allowing them to do what they want with you, because you just trust and love them so much. It's safe to say, that your energy is coming off more as submissive rather than anything else. You just trust in your partner's experience and in their caring nature to believe that they will never hurt you. This might lead you two to experiment with "riskier" things like breath play for example. But for others this can be even more intense with CNC scenarios, for example. You seem to like the idea of being at their mercy.

Aside from this, sex between you two seems to be a very pleasurable experience for you both, especially because your partner seems to have a lot of experience. They might have more experience than you, and that also makes you feel "guided" during the experience. During the act your partner might be a little harsher on you, more commanding, almost a little cold (and this seems like a big departure from who they really are as a person), but in the end your person really does like you very much.

Despite the more intense scenes that you'll probably be doing, there is never a sense that you're in danger or that you might be hurt. Both you and your partner have trust in each other, and a very good communication. You know that you could stop at any time. Also in reference that what I said before that your partner might seemed colder in the act, I think that you'll never feel as though they're being "mean" or wanting to hurt you, because there will be these little moments of reassurance and love between you.

check out the extended reading on patreon

Pile 4

Juno - Sabrina Carpenter

Four of Swords, Knight of Wands, Ten of Wands

Pile 4 your energy is as playful as Sabrina Carpenter's. Everything seems so light and fun, even if you and your partner are trying out some crazy thing you've seen on the internet. By the way, I got this vibe that you two will sometimes see something and go like "hey, why don't we try that out?". The vibe here is so good honestly. There's a lot of giggling and joking even during the act, especially when there's a weird or funny noise. I actually even see your partner tickling you because you laughed at something they did.

Something interesting that's coming up is that your sex life is very different from the energy you project to other people as a couple. Maybe your partner is a very serious person in their day to day life (or you, or even both of you) and so everyone would expect that they would also be very serious during sex. But it's actually the opposite. For your partner this is a moment of deep connection but also of lightness, there's no reason to take sex so seriously when it's something that's to make you both feel good.

With this Knight of Wands, Ten of Wands combo you're two are probably going at it like rabbits. You'll have as many rounds as you possibly can until you both slump to the side unable to move. You both seem to have a lot of sexual energy - but maybe sometimes not at the same time. What I mean is that maybe on one day your partner has a really high libido, but you not so much (and vice-versa). So, when this happens you have to find a balance that will satisfy you both.

In general, your energy is just so playful. You'll try anything at least once, even if it doesn't really end up working out or if you don't like it. Like, I'm getting the mental image of a couple trying out spanking, but they just can't stop giggling. Because again, it's not that serious. It's supposed to be fun. This isn't to say that there won't be serious moments, it's just that most of the time the energy is lighter. You're the only pile where I'm getting positions and I mainly see cowgirl, to be honest. But again, you two seem to experiment a lot. When it comes to dominant or submissive energy, I don't think it's clear in your pile. Both you and your partner are happy to play around with it, so maybe we could say that you're both switches.

check out the extended reading on patreon

[andhumanslovedstories]

I've been running this writing experiment lately to cut out phrases like "I felt" in my fiction writing. Like I was looking at a sentence in a draft that said, "he felt as if character's eyes were pinning him in place." And then I was like, "well, does he think that or is it true? As a result of this person watching him, he's froze. It's not like a thing, it is that thing."

Oh and "almost"! I'm always going, "He felt almost relieved that it hadn't happened." Well, did he feel better that it didn't happen or didn't he? Or "somewhat", I'm always going, "she felt somewhat perturbed."

And like none of that is wrong, to be clear. I don't know if it'd improve your writing, I don't even know if it'll improve my writing, but I use this sentence structure all the time so every viewpoint is from a voice that thinks about what it thinks, hedges its statements, and offers the same ability for wry little jokes formatted in the exact same way. And I have a lot of writing like that and I think (!) that they're good, but read as a whole, I'm like, "god, they all sound the same." Like there's one melody that I write songs to, so even with different lyrics, it's almost (!) the same song. Something I've been struggling with in regards to my writing and why I've felt so blocked is how boring I found writing my usual way. I'd read something and enjoy the individual parts of it, but then I'd step back and I didn't like the whole. And I got good at this enough at seeing that I didn't like it to do it in real time as I was writing, which as you can imagine didn't improve the process of writing because now I was bored AND dejected about being bored.

There's this sentence-level structure fact that I use unconsciously. A pattern I find easy is short sentence, short sentence, short sentence, long sentence. So I write that. "He [verbed]. He [verbed]. Then he [verbed]. As he [verbed] to his [consequence], he [verbed] that [noun] was [statement of condition]." Which could work, it often does make for a nice rhythm, but it's something I reach for often because it's easier for me.

Just last sentence, I originally typed, "I find it easier for me." But if what I mean is "using this pattern is less effort than another pattern," then it's easier for me. One voice is hedging its bets and the other asserting. Either is fine! But they're different! And, again, GOD you would not believe how many words I've cut out of this paragraph as I write it. I'm so chatty. I love using twelve words when six will do. And that gives my writing a specific tone to my ear.

So if I am bored of that tone, why not try using just the six words? Why be understated? Why be afraid of stronger opinions? So right now with my fiction, I'm experimenting with cutting out as many self-reflective words as I can. Sometime you do need to draw attention to the face that this is the character's interpretation, but like you definitely don't need to do it as much as I naturally want to do it. You don't need to always go out of your way to allow the possibility that the narrative voice is wrong. During editing, I trim the weaker ones (I originally typed, "what I consider the weaker ones" Is that more accurate?). But I think them being there in the first place shifts my language which shifts my character's which shifts my plot. It's sentence structure all the way down!!

(this barely applies to my writing on here, btw. i try to do good but yknow this is a tumblr blog. i'm not trying to get a lit mag to accept it.)

Anyway blah blah (chatty!) the point is I've been trying to write in a way opposite of my interests. Something that doesn't take itself too seriously, that emphasizes EMOTION and ACTION instead of minimizing it, and that clips through scenes at a good pace. Doing this been amazingly fun. I've been having such a good time doing it. I am writing so much because I really enjoy doing it. The process of writing is so fun again.

This post is about two things. One is my new mood stabilizer and therapy day camp. The other is about the benefit of pretending to be MXTX.

[sylus-doll]

Synopsis: Sometimes, when spending time with him, you feel like he owes you something. You decide to tell him about it one day.

Warnings: References to Sylus's Myth.

Author's note: Was gonna post this earlier but I got sick and my period hit me real bad LOL. Comments and reblogs are appreciated, enjoy! <3

You loved spending time with Sylus. It's the most fun you'll have, no matter how ridiculous your ideas may be. He always finds a way to make it work. With him, the word “limits” has erased itself from your dictionary. Instead, you ask yourself just how far Sylus is willing to go for your sake. But the answer is simple, really. His resources and time seem to be unending when you are the focal point of the picture. Ask for the moon, and he will bring back the stars along with it.

Even if the two of you aren't going out, choosing to stay in and bask in each other's company. These domestically intimate moments are just as— if not more— precious. Just like now. You've dragged Sylus into his bathroom, an assortment of skincare products you wanted to try already sitting on the sink countertop. Grabbing a tub of facial mask, you twist open the lid, scooping some of it with two fingers.

“Bend down. And close your eyes.” Your words come out more demanding than you wanted it to.

“My... So bossy, sweetie. No magic words to sweeten the deal?” But Sylus doesn't even try to act like he's reluctant to do so.

Spreading the clay mask on his face, you take the time to admire his features. Tracing your fingers along his strong eyebrows, down the bump of his nose, over his prominent cupid's bow lips. For someone not blessed by the gods, he sure looks like one. Sylus is the kind of beauty that makes artists weep. One that you cannot capture within a still painting, a muse no one has the skill to recreate. So devastatingly beautiful, it aches.

“Are you applying a mask, or sculpting my face, kitten?” The deep timber of Sylus's voice breaks you out of your trance.

Looking away, you place a finger on his lips.

“Shush. It's a clay mask, you'll crack it.”

He hates when you do that. Looking away from him, avoiding his eyes— pulling away from him. Sylus doesn't understand where he went wrong. You were perfectly fine up until recently. The growing distance of your bond claws at him. Did he do something? He wants to know, needs you to tell him how he can mend whatever damage he made. He could not live shunned in your silence or knowing he hurt you in some way.

How tempting it is to give in. To want to surrender and melt in your lover's embrace. Yet still, you look away. It's something you have felt since the two of you first met, back when Sylus still gazed at you with disdain. You never understood it. Why you were consumed by the need to devour him. Something that, for some inexplicable reason, you knew bone-deep that this desire is something only he can fulfill.

Two fingers; pointer and thumb, take your chin. Sylus tilts your face toward him. An emotion you could not decipher simmering in his brilliant, scarlet eyes. His brows furrow, lips opening and closing again. He wants to ask you— the questions on the tip of his tongue ready to spill out. But he doesn't know if that will scare you away more. So he hesitates, wondering if understanding your recent behaviour is out of his reach.

“...Sy? Can I tell you something?” You ask, a little unsure. You aren't stupid, the tension is clear. You know he wants answers. And you won't let him live in doubt of your relationship.

Sylus's eyes widen a fraction. Only for a split second before masking with his usual suaveness. You want to talk, that's good.

“Of course, sweetie. What is it?”

Reaching out, you cradle the right side of his face, thumb just below his right eye. You don't miss the way he shudders, gaze following your touch. His lips tremble when you begin to stroke your thumb on his cheek. Such a sensitive man, always so attuned to your touch. Like your warmth is a hearth, like your hands are a shelter from the cold. One of his hands cup your own, making you linger on his face.

“Lately... When I look at your right eye, it feels like I want it. It's scary. I don't want to hurt you. But something in me gnaws desperately to take from you like it belongs to me.” There. The full, honest truth.

Sylus is stunned. He expected anything else. A problem with him, something to change— about himself or otherwise. Perhaps even you wanting to leave him. But no. Sweet, lovely you. What you were so worried about is a centuries-old desire of yours. A desire for him that you couldn't understand. Albeit, you don't know that, yet it still brings him relief. It seems you are the same soul he fell in love with ages ago, even if you will never remember it.

He leans closer, palms now cradling your face. “Have I not taught you to be greedy with me? If you simply wanted more of me, just say that.”

Although Sylus yearns to tell you what this truly means, he understands that you wouldn't believe him. And that's okay. He will wait however long he needs to until you come to terms with yourself or remember your past. Rest assured that you will never be alone in your journey. Sylus will help you clear the path, guide you along the way even if it may be deceitful of him. He just wants his beloved to come back home.

“Don't you understand that all I am is yours? There is nothing you could do to hurt me if I allowed it in the first place. Take whatever you want from me— take me. I am nothing if not yours to love, entirely, my beloved.”

[zarla-s]

We move forward, 'cause we can't go back...

It's the EIGHTH anniversary of Handplates, and the first one after I finished the comic back in July! I decided to dig up a very old wip that I never finished and finally do it. I've always loved WeMoveForward by The Midnight, and I think it applies not only to the comic itself but also this period after it... there's no way to go back to when I was doing it, only moving forward after it's done.

Even more appropriately, since I did this wip, these characters all moved forward even further... even as this sat in my files, they moved forward, in a sense. I don't know, the song gives me a sort of plaintive, longing, bittersweet feeling... it's hard to explain.

I had a very insistent voice in my head that always made me do a Handplates page over the years I was working on it, no matter what happened. I wasn't sure if that voice would ever stop, even when it's done, but it has! It's gotten quieter now, mostly only nagging me about other projects I should be working on (Defrag, the Ace Attorney/Frozen fic, web design, fic ideas, art ideas...) whenever I'm doing something, much like it did before I started the comic.

How I feel about Handplates finishing though is strange. At times it doesn't feel like it's over, even if I don't feel like I need to do another page. At other times I get sad thinking about it and I miss it, and other times I look back on it with amazement that I was able to do it. Sometimes I look back on it and think about what was happening in my life at that time, and sometimes when I look at it it's unreal and it's hard to believe I even did it, like someone else did the whole thing. It's like it's there but it's not, it's present but it isn't. It's a very strange feeling, it's hard to describe or pin down. I know it'll always be with me in some way, but it is strange to be able to focus so much attention on other things without that feeling of having to set aside a few days to do a page every two weeks... not bad or anything, but I'm not used to it still.

I don't know! When I read the comments on the last page a lot of them made me cry, especially those talking about how the comic had been their childhood, and now their childhood is over. It was sad to think that I had a part in something like that ending... but it ends for everyone, no matter what you do. We, you and me, everyone... we move forward, 'cause we can't go back. That line was so evocative for me that I even used it as a chapter title for the penultimate chapter on Comicfury.

I don't know, just nostalgic thoughts! I don't know if that's the right word for it... but thank you to all of you who read it and enjoyed it. Even now I hear from new people coming to it and reading through it again now that it's done. Even if it's finished, it's still new to people just finding it. It's still "living" in a sense. And thanks to those of you who stuck around even though it's done, I appreciate it. |D

(As a note, the Gaster ukagaka has a surprise if you boot him on the anniversary after seeing the brothers, if you haven't done that)

[index] [patreon]

[boyfiechan]

[Random thought collection #01]

Bang Chan x Reader Content Warning: Explicit sexual content, AFAB reader, strong language, vocal kink, praise kink, fingering, soft dom!Chan, unprotected sex, consent emphasized throughout, light overstimulation. [0.9k words]

I keep thinking about this post lately and honestly, Chan talking you through it sounds about right.

It's nothing new that Chan seems like a very vocal person in general. Back when he was still doing Chan's Room, the major portion of the lives were just him talking. In english, in korean — sometimes mixing both up. Telling us about his day, answering questions, giving opinions on diverse topics, asking questions. Even on bubble, with the way he always translates his thoughts back and forth so everyone can read, to the way he keeps teasing us — asking if he should share some pictures, asking how we want to be called, asking what we are doing — he just enjoys sharing and holding a conversation so much that it wouldn't be different in more intimate settings.

See, he's a perfectionist. Even more, a bit of a people pleaser in a sense that he just wants to make you feel so good and he needs to know that he can do it. He might get off a little bit on that as well, enjoying himself when he can see your struggle to answer a question or tell him how you feel because his fingers are moving so fast, or his mouth feels so good, or the angle his moving his hips is hitting all the right places and even if you're not a natural talker, he might try to fish it out of you.

It might start with a simple is this okay? when the kisses get a little too intense and his instinct to roam his hands around your body get stronger because he just wants to feel you closer, to feel more, to touch more. If you're still new to each other, or if you are in any way less experienced than him, even more of a shy, innocent person his tones goes even gentler, softer as he asks if it's okay to kiss you, if it's okay to touch you there, if it feels good when he does it. And he's very attentive when he does, searching for your eyes, observing how your body melt into his, hoping to catch every single little sound that gets off your mouth because, to him, that's when he knows he's doing the right thing. He wants to make you feel good, he wants to know he's doing it the way you like it, and he want the praise for it.

It's not even intentional, most of the time. He doesn't ask you if he is doing good, but more if it feels good, and it almost seems like it's only about the sensation itself. He's just such a sweet person when it comes to telling people they are doing good — he likes praising people, he likes telling them how good they're doing on such mundane things — and even when he seems to not rely as much on receiving praise as he actually does, if ever a such thing as you're doing so good or you're so good to me leaves your mouth, he's a goner. It's the type of thing that makes him stutter a little, gets him a little dizzy, maybe even having to brace himself because for all that he knows, he could cum right at that very moment, just to the way your voice sounds all breathy and lustful.

And don't get me wrong, he can get very mouthy when the timing is good. Most thing with him escalate on baby steps — he is a slow paced lover, sex to him is not only about getting his dick wet and cumming, but more about the experience itself and to the way lust and pleasure can cloud his mind — and that applies to how his tone can change when you're getting more into it, as the air gets hotter and heavier and he starts to lose his filter. Fuck, you feel so good as his cock slips back into you so deep, so right and you're so tight as he feels you clenching around him because you can feel he is getting filthier and you like it. And again, he's so attentive that he knows you like it, and it's as if you've given him a green light to just say what goes through his mind, and he does it so well.

And it's a different kind of filthy, too. He won't simply ask you if you like when he fucks you or if you like his cock, but if you can feel how deep he is. You like it when I'm inside of you, yeah? You're so perfect, you take me so well as he holds both your hands on top of your head and gives you and open mouthed kiss that feels so messy, so lustful that you get yourself lost in the feeling of it, in the feeling of him. He can feel your getting closer, your moans getting louder and dragged out, clenching around him so often he's seeing stars and he wants you to do it, that's it, cum for me, baby. Wanna feel you cum for me, his voice so whiny it's almost impossible to hold back as you let yourself go, taking you with him because it's just too good.

Are you okay? he asks as lays on your side, catching you by the waist and pressing your body against his after calming down. He wants to ask if he did good, if it was good and maybe even tell you how much he likes you or loves you or how well you did but seeing how tired you are, eyes fluttering shut as he pays attention to his heart rate and the smell of your shampoo, his mind decides to leave the end of this conversation to another moment.

[becomingthatgirl111]

how to use social media and your phone in a positive way

if you want to improve or change an aspect of your life it takes your commitment to be consistent and make real changes. to start, take a piece of paper and answer these questions that will help you have a greater focus and be aware of what you want to change.

how much time are you dedicating to social media?

is it taking up your time?

what would you like to do with that time?

how much time would you like to spend on social media?

what content do you follow?

do you follow content that you consider harmful to you?

instead, what would you like to follow more? (for example, accounts that inspire you or help you to improve, can be about cooking or some hobby you have)

what app do you use most often?

how long do you use your phone?

would you like to use it less?

what habits/hobbies would you like to spend more time on?

now that you are more aware of this issue and how it may be affecting your life i'll share some tips to help you make your social media more secure and use it more positively.

stop following those accounts that are not giving you anything positive.

start following profiles of people who really inspire you or teach you something, for example about the topics you are interested in or the kind of person you would like to become and take them as an example.

set a time limit on the use of these applications, i.e. about 15 minutes a day for example. you can do this from the app itself or from "settings" on your phone.

follow positive content that resonates with you such as people sharing affirmations, success stories or even motivational speeches.

don't use your phone first thing in the morning or last thing at night.

download productivity apps on your phone, such as daylio, notion, habit, etc. with which you can log your days, have a record of your habits or even use them as to-do lists, there are many more of these types.

"i am" is an app that sends you positive affirmations every hour as a notification, it will help you to be centered.

if you do any activity leave your phone somewhere else or even if you are on the bus don't be stuck on your phone, allow yourself to enjoy the present moment.

use the internet to search for information on topics that interest you, either on youtube, blogs, podcasts…

block people or words that you know are not bringing you anything positive.

spend more time cultivating yourself instead of focusing on a world that doesn't exist in social media.

other things to consider.

what we see on social media doesn't have to be real, even if it is, don't compare yourself with those people. on the internet, everyone will want to give their best face and that doesn't mean it's reality, it shouldn't affect you either so forget about it and focus on your own path.

the real world is outside and not through a screen. live human experiences and try to do what makes you happiest every day.

on social media and internet we can find a lot of useful information, let that be the main reason why you use it, and stop wasting your time scrolling on tik tok.

my personal opinion.

the use of social media is not negative, but we have to control what we are consuming and how it is affecting our lives and the time we are spending.

it seems normal to be on the phone all day but this is not beneficial, there are more things to do in the real world and many people say they don't have time to do things when they are really wasting it with their phones.

you can look for information on things that are useful to you but leave your phone aside and start applying them to your life.

leaving all the social media aside has made me feel much better and even more liberated. you don't really need to see what's going on on the internet, because it's not important, there are more important things to live for out there, even more interesting people to meet.

create your world from the experiences you would like to live, the people you would like to share, the person you want to become, and focus on that, which is much more important. in the end, if you don't think about it, it doesn't exist.

[changisworld]

Edging with Leeknow.

->Edging: Edging is when an orgasm is controlled & taken away at the last second while being extremely built up in pleasure but delaying it for as long as possible.

Word count:1.9K

->Smut warnings: meanie leeknow, edging(duh), begging, dom!leeknow, pet names(but no pet play), fingering(f rec), oral (f rec), finger sucking, blue balling(?)

©ANY translation, copy & paste, posting of my work is strictly forbidden for ANY posts/ writing i post.

A/n at bottom<3

“lie down for me” he speaks in his usual voice but you can tell it’s tinged with annoyance. He kicks off his shoes & you listen to what he says, sitting down on the couch before spreading your body along the sitting cushions, your back against them as you lie down, the fabric of your skirt spreading across your thighs as you spread your legs, a small wet patch already forming on your panties.

He looks down at your exposed panties and a sly smile spreads across his face “eager are we jagi?” He trails his fingers along the damp fabric of your panties, applying just enough pressure to make you squirm “You've been bad today, haven't you?” His voice drops to a low, almost menacing tone “I don’t know where you got the attitude from, teasing me in front of my friends.” He spits venom in his words into your ear in a low tone & without warning, he slips his hand into your panties, his fingers brushing against your sensitive folds “Let's see how long you can hold out before you beg me to let you come, hmm?”

“Minho, don’t do this, don’t tease me please! isaid i was sorry” you cry out in annoyance, knowing if he goes through with this you’re in for a long night.

He chuckles darkly at your pleas, his fingers continuing their torturous,slow circles “Sorry doesn't cut it this time, y/n. You were naughty and now you have to face the consequences, mkay?”He leans in close, his breath ghosting over your ear “& I plan to make you suffer, jagiya.” Without warning, he suddenly stops touching you, leaving you aching and desperate “Ah ah ah, not yet. I'm just getting started.” A mischievous glint appears in his eyes as he settles back, keeping his hand tantalizingly close to your throbbing center.

“leeknow please! don’t like teasing!” you whine, giving him a pout to try get him to feel bad enough so he will listen to you, knowing deep down that it will fall on deaf ears.

Leeknow's expression hardens at your whine and pout, his hand not moving from its tantalizing position “Nice try bunny, but those doe eyes won't work on me this time.” His fingers brush feather-light against your sensitive folds, making you twitch with need “You're going to take your punishment like a good girl.” He leans in close, his lips barely grazing yours “ And I'm going to enjoy every single second of it” With that, he plunges two fingers deep inside you, curling them against your most sensitive spots, only to withdraw them just before you reach the edge of release.

you let out a small yelp at the feeling of his fingers filling you & the slight stretch as he skips the small step of adding one finger first by adding two at once & you can’t help but clench around them, my hips trying to grind into them as much as possible, his words going in one ear & out the other.

Leeknow chuckles darkly at your reaction, his thumb brushing teasingly over your swollen clit “That's it, let me hear those pretty noises, y/n.” He pumps his fingers in and out slowly, your moans making his cock already leaking in his underwear, but that’s the least of his concerns, it’s not even in his mind for more than a second, instead focusing on your already fucked our state. “Love you being my little toy, but aren’t toys good, hmm? why would you be so bad to me?” he asks condescendingly, bunny teeth poking from his cheeky smirk he’s giving you, his fingers purposely slowing down whenever he feels you clenching more than usual.

“minnie j-just let me cum, will be so good for you” you whine, hand reaching down & placing itself on his wide shoulder, clenching down on his covered skin.

Your boyfriend however, tsks and swats your hand away, a stern look on his face “a few touches won’t just make me forget jagi.” His fingers pick up their pace, curling and stroking your sensitive spots mercilessly & you let out a crying squeal, his fingers hammering into your gummy spot just the way he knows you love.

“J-jagi i, fuck, i can’t hold it, g-gonna cum.” you whimper to him, your voice trying to stay convincing yet soft to try win him over as your legs shake & threaten to close around his hand, but he’s quick to swat your thighs away with his spare hand before pulling his fingers completely out, chuckling at your whimpers of dismay.

“I didn’t say you could cum, so hold it, it’s not that hard” he groans at you, faking annoyance as he watches your reaction as he wiggles down so he is just centimetres away from your cunt from touching his lips & he groans at the smell of you, completely raw. You look down at him with plead in your eyes & he can’t help but chuckle as he latches onto your clit, not wasting time before swirling the bud, already protruding from your hood & you dig your head impossibly deeper into the couch cushion.

you let out a whimper in annoyance as you feel his fingers slide back into home, your g spot being bullied by the tips of his soft fingers & you bring your hands down to your already completely solid nipples & start pinching at them, trying to distract yourself from the pit in your stomach that keeps getting snatched from you at the last second.

Leeknow growls low in his throat at the sight of you pinching your own nipples, his eyes darkening with lust. "Nuh-uh, jagiya. Those hands are mine." He removes his mouth from your clit just long enough to roughly grab your wrists, pinning them above your head. "I'm the one in control here, & i don’t remember telling you to do that."

His fingers relentlessly tease and stroke your soaked folds, keeping you on the edge but never letting you fall over.*"Look at you, so desperate and needy. You're loving this, aren't you?" He leans in close, his breath hot against your ear, the squelching of your wetness being spread around your labia & his fingers before being pushed back inside you not going amiss.

“Don't worry, kitten. I'll make sure you get what you deserve. Eventually." With a wicked grin, he dives back down, lavishing your sensitive bundle of nerves with the attention it craves, while his fingers continue their maddening rhythm inside you & you can’t do anything other than let out a wail.

“leeknow stop being so mean, just make me cum before i get up & leave” you say, trying to sound even the slightest bit convincing but your words just come out shaky as he wraps his plump lips around your clit, your eyes trying to stay open to look at him as you speak, your hand weaving itself into his hair to try keep him there.

He pauses his actions momentarily, his lips still pressed against your throbbing clit. He looks up at you with a sly grin, his eyes gleaming with what seems to be mixed emotions.

"Oh, is that so, jagiya?" His voice is low and taunting "We both know that’s not happening." He taunts at you, his lower half of his face covered in your juices as he resumes his relentless assault on your sensitive bundle of nerves, his tongue swirling and flicking against it mercilessly. His fingers curl and stroke your slick, throbbing walls, denying you the release you crave.

You finally process what he’s actually saying & you decide to try take matters into your own hands, but he’s quick to hold you tighter with his free hand, un suctioning his lips from your clit, his eyes rolling, seeming annoyed. “You're not going anywhere, y/n. Not until I'm good and ready to let you come." He punctuates his words with a particularly sharp suck on your clit, eliciting a desperate whimper from you.

You buck your hips in front of his face in protest & he scoffs before hastily pulling his fingers from you, making you whimper from the loss & he licks his fingers clean.

“You’re too needy, y/n, i’m just not gonna let you cum.” he spits out at you & you grab at his arm, eyes still teary.

“No! plea-don’t be like that! i’m sorry! i’ll stay still!” you cry out, giving him pleading eyes & he chuckles. “there’s no point edging you if you’re just gonna cum at the end now, is there? I’ll see how you behave & maybe let you cum at the end of the week.” he whips back at you, giving you a smile that would be cute if it wasn’t in this context as he takes your panties in his pocket, no doubt to put in his pocket later(probably to jerk off to in the bathroom despite you being more than happy to help).

He kisses your cheek & pushes the stray strands of hair from your shiny face before chuckling again before going into the kitchen to get you both a drink, not bothering to wipe your juices from your face.

You let out a frustrated cry, kicking your feet into the couch as you stand up, legs feeling like jelly as you storm after him.

-A/N: i’m sorry i have been gone so long😓 My plan is for this to be the last instalment of my kinktober & i’m instead going to write new parts to some supposed to be oneshots & also some new fanfic ideas, including a series!!

I’m sorry if this isn’t really up to standards, especially after the huge wait:(

[mi-co-uk]

𝔩𝔬𝔳𝔢 𝔪𝔢 𝔫𝔬𝔱

loner!reader x needy!chris

plot: after the party, the sexual tension becomes too much to bear..

WARNINGS: SMUTTT, lots of neck kissing, chris is a munch, mentions of intoxication, getting caught - embarrassment. use of y/n , I think that's it but let me know if I've missed anythinggg . the series itself will contain smut fluff and angst ⋆𐙚 NOT PROOFREAD ! 2.5 k words

( this can technically be read on its own but it's a part of a seriesss )

pls enjoy <3

NAVIGATION

SERIES MASTERLIST

CHAPTER 4 || pushing it down and praying

the state chris woke up in became increasingly confusing as he tried to remember the night before. he remembers turning up at the party, he remembers feeling pissed off. what he doesn't remember, is how he ended up with his boxers discared and his dick carelessly abandoned with his bedroom door was wide open. immediately humiliated, he resorted to comfier clothes before heading to the main room, hoping to fill the missing gaps of his memory.

the sun was peering in from the kitchen window, shining on matt who was eating while mindlessly scrolling on his phone.

"you looking for y/n?" matt asked without averting his eyes from the device.

"she was here?"

"you don't remember?" chris' eyes were finally met by his brother's as his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "jesus kid, didn't realise you were that out of it."

chris began massaging his forehead, desperate to apply enough pressure to push away the growing migraine.

"just tell me what happened, matt."

chris had never felt so appalled at the idea of making out with someone. some random girl who's name was lost on him, matt had said. if anyone, chris had a memory of making out with y/n but his brother assured him that didn't happen - chris knew it would've been too good to be true.

"whys she not here then?"

"you tell me. last thing I knew was she was gonna stick with us today but she went back home this morning. barely said goodbye to me." chris knew it was wrong to feel warmth at the idea of you brushing off matt completely, especially considering his unease at the growing closeness between the two of you recently. he quickly pushed down these thoughts to focus on the situation at hand.

"what was she like then? after the party"

"pissed off, chris." again, the smugness he felt was probably morally wrong - but you were pissed off that chris had been with someone else, and that meant something new.

*

he knew it was a long shot, but he wanted to try anyway. he dialed your number, listening to the tone while he hoped to hear you answer. what the fuck was he gonna say? ' sorry that I made out with someone even though we aren't together? sorry that I'm glad I did since it meant you can't deny you have feelings for me? '. his mind was a whirlwind of apologies, all feeling incredibly fake while he still relished in the idea he could call you out. why doesn't he just do that instead?

the ringtone of your phone drilled through your head abruptly as it snapped you out of your disassociative state. you were relaxed on your bed, reflecting on the night before with a growing anger the more you thought of it all. you instinctively go to press a button on the screen - the sharp gesture messing with your focus as you accidentally accept the call.

"fuck." you exclaimed without thinking.

"hello to you too." chris' cocky voice came from your speaker phone, your eyes rolling in annoyance from the sound of it.

"I didn't mean to pick up."

"aw, I can feel the love from here."

you take a deep breath before responding, the microphone picking up on it. "I dont feel like doing anything today. if that's why you're calling."

"what's the matter, baby?" his teasing continued, fueling your irritation further.

"not your baby." you muttered quickly. "and maybe it's that fact you were all over some girl-"

"jealous?"

your breathing hitched, realising what you'd essentially admitted "what? no-"

"you seem it"

you dont want to give in to his game. how much did he remember from last night? especially if he knows about the girl from the party.

"I um- how much do you remember? as in after the party?"

"nothing."

"how-"

"matt told me. said you were real pissed off too"

the whole situation was exhausting. you felt far too exposed for comfort. and now you had to tell him everything matt didn't know about last night.

"chris, about last night." you took a deep sigh, almost expecting chris to interrupt - but he stayed quiet. "more stuff happened after the party."

you knew you should just get to the point but it felt impossible to do so.

"you kinda, um. you- fuck I can't say it."

"w-what happened?" chris' had was filled with various scenarios- terrified as he remembered the state he woke up in, and how it could relate to what you were about to tell him.

"you were just all touchy! and- I don't know I just ran out."

"shit, I'm so sorry y/n"

"it's whatever-"

"I'm still sorry-" "I didn't mind it."

you could hear him chuckling through the phone. "oh yeah?"

"goodbye chris."

"aw cmon-"

you hadn't meant to confess as much as you had - but there was a small sense of relief regardless. however, no matter that you hadn't minded what happened after the party, you were continously replaying the scene of him and that girl in your mind.

'drunk words are sober thoughts' - did that apply here? did he really not care enough about you to show some restraint? or was he just that drunk?

you'd worked together a plan. an extremely petty one. but right now, you couldn't see a scenario that didn't end in chris getting his act together - so you didn't really care.

- matt I'm at the door let me in

*

chris had decided to give you space. he was hoping it would piss you off enough that he wasn't trying to contact you as desperately as he would normally, for you to call him first this time. he felt like it was a lost cause after about 6 hours in.

it was his typical routine to bother matt about ordering food, hoping they'd want something similar enough that he would just end up paying for it.

his walk towards matt's closed door was interrupted abruptly when he heard a female voice - laughing, coming from matts room. he could've sworn it sounded like - and it happens again. the laugh chris always works desperately to hear, the laugh of his favourite person. but you were in matts room.

he hurriedly pushed open the door, the sight of you and matt laying together - clothed, thank god, laughing at trash tv. your eyes met his instantly, a glimmer of hope sparkling in them.

you'd explained matt what you wanted to happen. the best case scenario and the worst case scenario. endless conversing for hours, waiting for chris to turn up for whatever reason, and it worked out better than you imagined it.

*

he was angry. of course he was. but once again, laying eyes on you tugged down his guard. especially when you looked at him that way. you werent confused, or irritated at chris' intrusion. you were relieved - even excited.

he wipes his face in frustration, taking a minute to evaluate and make his next decision. he watched matts eyes dart between the two of you, trying to figure out what the fuck was happening. he noticed barely, a slight twitch from the corner of your mouth, before you just couldn't give in as a small smile spread across your face.

"cmere." chris muttered in a sigh, his head gesturing towards the hallway he was stood in.

you eagerly got to from matts bed, turning your head as you got to the door frame to give matt a quick wave goodbye. your excitement starting to rub off on chris.

he was now leant against the kitchen table. a flat expression on his face despite the energy he was giving off.

"the fuck was that then, huh?"

"what's what?" you muttered, unconvincingly acting as if you had no idea of his problem.

"you tryna piss me off, pretty?" you edged closer timidly, chris' hands reaching for your waist to pull you against him. you completely avoid eye contact, staring at the floor, wall - anywhere but his expression. "that was the best you could do?"

the comment was not expected - you turn your head quickly to meet his gaze, a wide smirk greeting you.

"barely gave me a reason to be pissed off."

your smile is wiped completely, realising you'd overworked your revenge in your head when in reality, it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. now it was just embarrassing.

"aw, it's okay, I know what you want," he leans down to start placing light kisses over your neck, light enough that you completely craved the needy, rough kisses he'd given you before.

"please" you let escape in a breath, chris' grip tightening to pull you impossibly closer.

"feel good, baby?"

you whine in response, tugging on his hair closer in desperation for more friction.

he gave in just a little - his kisses becoming a little more sloppy and relaxed, encouraged by the grip you had on his hair aswell as your small needy sounds. but he wanted to tease you a little more - he wanted you to earn it.

his kisses were light once more, placed just on your shoulder blade. "why didn't you get matt to do this, hm? that would've pissed me off real bad."

he pushed your lower half into his own, allowing you to feel his hardening bulge.

"words." he demanded, applying a quick squeeze to your ass making you squeal.

"I- didn't" a moan interrupts you as chris nibbles as your skin while you answer, "didn't want him to."

you could feel his smirk as he ran his lips across your skin. "just wanted me, huh? wanted my attention real bad?"

you nod eagerly, before chris gripped your hips and turned you both around, pushing you against the table as he towered over you. he pressed his lips firmly against yours, groaning in pleasure from the taste. his hand grips the back of your neck to deepen the contact as you pull him closer by his shirt. chris absentmindedly starts grinding his hips into yours, his desperation for you becoming even more evident. he picks you up by your thighs hurriedly, placing you onto the table surface.

he broke the kiss to concentrate on tugging up the end of your dress, gaining access to your core. he looked ahead at you for approval, as you lay across the surface propped up by your elbows. in response you opened your legs further with chris stood in front of the gap, admiring your clothed pussy.

without further questioning, he bent down to push his nose against the covered warmth, the pressure intending to tease more than pleasure. he wanted you to be needy, he wanted you to beg, to give in to the desire and mirror his own desperation.

his eyes meet yours once again, a wide smirk spread across his face as he reads the anticipation in your expression. eyes locked, he presses kisses to the tops of your thighs, beginning to trail around where you needed him the most. he listened intently to your small gasps and needy whines, chuckling to himself as he waited for you to speak up for what you want.

you reach down, gripping his locks to tug him closer to the damp spot forming on your panties.

"what did I say earlier, baby?"

you groaned in frustration before responding. "w-words?"

"mhm, so what'd you say?" he continues teasing with kisses, awaiting your response.

"please?" your breathing was the opposite of steady, sharp gasps escaping you as he nibbling on your thigh - just enough to increase your pent up sexual frustration.

"gonna need to do better than that, princess. be specific"

chris loves seeing you like this. whining for him, craving him.

you shake your head in humiliation, "can't say it."

he withdraws his face completely, leaning over your torso to press needy kisses to your lips, groaning in response when you moan into his mouth.

he breaks contact, gripping your jaw firmly but not harshly, forcing you to look at him.

"you listenin'?" you nod, hoping he'll just give you what you want without going through the process of specifying what you want. "im gonna be nice okay? all you gotta do is say yes when something feels good, yeah? you say no I stop. you're too quiet then I stop. got it?"

"y-yes"

"yes what?"

"yes please?"

"atta girl," he starts lowering towards your warmth again, "mind your manners 'n be nice 'n loud and you'll get what you want."

chris needed matt to hear. you were too dazed by desperation to realise the consequences of being as loud as he wanted - this fact making his cock strain somehow harder against his jeans.

he licked a flat strip on the top of your lacy panties. the rushed unexpected contact forcing a loud whine escape you.

you begin muttering praises, "yes-" moans interrupting you as he sloppily kisses your clit through the panties. "m-more please."

he grins, removing himself from you which earns him a whine, his fingers tuck under the waistband to pull the barrier down, allowing chris to admire your soaked pussy.

you analyse his expression - desperate for an indication that it was what he wanted.

he licked his lips, eyes full of hunger that flicker to yours - relentlessly waiting for you to beg.

"please.. need it so bad."

"you look so perfect for me," he mutters full of lust, "you're being so good, baby."

he urgently worked his tongue into your folds, closing his mouth around the warmth and pushing his face deeper into you - intensifying the pleasure. it rushed - as if he was terrified he'd never get the opportunity to be where he was ever again. he began pushing his finger into your cunt, pumping them in an out as you lost all control over your whining. his fingers curled with precision as his tongue worked rapidly. the pleasure began intensifying-

"are you fucking serious?!" nicks exclaimed panic shot through the pleasure , burying it back down as if nothing was happening previously. chris lifted his head from your pussy, the juices spread across his mouth with a dumbstruck expression. you heard nicks footsteps disappear in a trail back to his room, but you couldn't help but hold onto the embarrassment that came with being caught in such a vulnerable state. chris' eyes were still heavy, processing the whole moment - he'd had you exactly how he'd craved, and it had been perfect. until it wasn't.

you closed your legs in shame, sitting upright onto the surface trying to regain control.

regrettably, chris knew the moment had ended. he pressed quick kisses to your thighs before tugging your dress back down to cover you further.

you mutter an apology, guilt of disappointing two different people in the same 30 seconds hitting a nerve.

"'s okay .. 's okay" he pressed gentle kisses to your cheek and pulled you in for a tight hug - you instinctively reciprocating. it could be considered dramatic- sure. but it was more than that to you. you let your guard down considerably which resulting in humiliation. did nick think less of you? could matt hear? fuck he must've. did chris think less of you? was he mad? were you even good enough? what if he was relieved of the interruption so he didn't have to pretend-

"you're fucking perfect."

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹

next part ->

꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱ - mi

a/n , does anyone actually read these

taglist: @pair-of-pantaloons @oopsiedaisydeer @corspebridedelrey @faiyaz555 @izzylovesmatt @sturniolosrtewsexy @courta13 @sturns-mermaid @emely9274 @baebadoobee4ever @fw-lee @afr8idofrats @stvrniolotrxpl3ts @chrxsprettygirl @franticroads @m4gz-png @sosasturns @clairomatt @allisonclairee @mattshorsenecklace @whor3ing @matts-girlfriend @obsessedwiththesturniolos @shadowthesim237 @xeneasworld @chrisslut04

[azsazz]

Over Ice (Part 5)

Hockey!Rhysand x Reader

Summary: Anon Req: She’s walking around Campus and BOOM right smack dab into Broody McBrooder!! She THEN finds out he’s the tutor for one of her hardest courses (personally Psych would be a good one) and they become super duper close with him and the team!!!

Warnings: Mentions of reader's fictional father passing away.

Word Count: 3065

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4)

Notes: UGH, sorry if this is shit, it doesn't feel right to me rn but i'm powering through.

_________________________________________

“I’m sorry about the other night,” you tell James when your Athletic Training Techniques class breaks to practice wrapping injuries the following Monday morning.

You don’t know why you’re apologizing for Rhysands behavior. He’s the one who should be doing the apologizing, but you can’t help the prickle of guilt that has wedged itself into your chest for the way he treated James when he so rudely interrupted your chat with his teammate at the hockey party you and Mor had attended.

Rhysand had crashed into your conversation like a F5 tornado, his violet eyes set in a glare so harsh you’d think that James Attor was his biggest rival and not one of his teammates. That stormy look on his face had only made you rage in return, utilizing the crackling irritation in your veins and wielding it like lightning, snapping at him for his disrespect.

James’ brows furrow at the pre-wrap you’re applying to his wrist. His tan hand in warm in yours as you keep it steady, and you wonder if all hockey players hands are this calloused.

“You don’t have anything to apologize for,” he says, russet eyes flicking up to meet yours. He swings his legs softly from where he’s perched atop one of the tables. It’s cute, even more so when he shrugs innocently. “That’s captain, you don’t mess with what’s his.”

What’s his? You almost scoff but catch it just in time. “I’m not his,” you respond stiffly.

James’ cheeks turn bright red and for a moment you’re worried you’ve wrapped the athletic tape too tightly but he’s quick to blurt out his response. “Oh my god, I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant. I was trying to say that he told the entire team to stay away from you because you’re his cousin’s best friend, not because he, like, owns you or anything.”

And well, that’s a lot better than him insinuating that Rhys wants you all to himself, which, the longer you think about it, leaves you with a gooey feeling in the pit of your stomach. One that you’re not sure you should like given the knowledge that he warned his entire team away from you.

Yeah, that thought strikes you just as harsh the second time around, and this time, you latch onto it like a leech.

“He put a teamwide ban on me?” You almost shriek. You knew that he didn’t want you talking to his team, he made that perfectly clear to you the other night, but you had no idea that he talked to the entire damn team about you!

You ignore the glare a crimson haired girl beside you shoots you. Whatever, she should mind her own business and focus on her wrapping because that girl’s arm would be drooping like a limp noodle if it were really injured.

She breaks the stare off first and you go right back to stewing. What the hell? Rhys is acting like a total barbarian over this entire situation. It’s not like you’re related to him for fuck’s sake, you’re an accessory to his cousin, and if you want to shack up with one of his players, you will, because damn his rule. “He can’t do that! I don’t even know most of the team!”

“I think the term he actually used was banished. Or was it forbidden? I can’t remember,” James trails off thoughtfully. All you can do is gape in response, completely frozen at Rhysand’s audacity. When your partner notices the look on your face, he winces. “Maybe you could bring it up with him?”

Damn right you fucking will.

There’s a pinch between James’ brows when you continue your assignment. You’re too lost in your head, brewing over Rhysand and how he forced you to pretend to be his girlfriend the other night and the fact that he told his entire team to keep away from you. It’s embarrassing to say the least.

You’re so stuck in your head that you don’t notice that you’ve pulled the tape too tight around James’ arm. He’s trying to stick a finger under your work, tugging at the bandage to get his blood flowing again. You huff and begin to unwrap, letting the news fall off your shoulders for now with a heavy exhale. “Sorry,” you mutter.

A twinge of guilt hits you. Here you are, dragging poor James into another awkward position that has nothing to do with him and everything to do with his pig-headed captain.

You have half a mind to tug your phone out of your pocket and send chew Rhys out over text. He’d given his number to you after your first tutoring session so that you could set up the next one since you were in much too of a mood after running into Amarantha and giving you the ultimatum that made your view of him go from hot and gentlemanly to hot and an absolute fucking douchebag.

And this has certainly not helped his case.

It doesn’t take long to make up a plan for yourself. You’re going to stay far, far away from the hockey house from now on. You won’t be attending any more games, no matter how much Mor begs. And you’re going to email your psychology professor about finding a replacement tutor.

If Rhysand doesn’t want you around his team, you’ll make sure that the message was well received.

“No, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m distracting you,” James says, and before you can respond, he holds a hand up, halting you. It looks silly because his hand is wrapped stiffly with your handiwork, and the both of you crack smiles at the sight.

“How does it feel now?” You ask, examining his arm. It looks good, and as you poke a prod, you think it’s tight enough, but you want a second opinion before your professor comes over to evaluate.

James twists his arm this way and that, tries to bend his wrist to feel the tension. He looks impressed, and a surge of pride overtakes the lingering irritation. “Feels good. You’re a natural at this.”

Your cheeks heat at the compliment. “Thanks, James.”

Professor Maeve makes her rounds, and echoes a job well done when she reaches your table. With a soft smile, she continues to the crimson witch beside you, and you try your very best to keep your face neutral when the professor critiques her work. You tuck your lips carefully between your teeth and switch positions with your partner.

“You know,” James says as he begins wrapping your wrist. “The hockey team’s athletic training student graduated last year and the positions open. I don’t have much sway with the coach, but if you want it, I can put in a good word for you.”

He says it like it’s no big deal. Like you haven’t been banned from interacting with any of the hockey players. Like they haven’t been warned away either.

You stare at James in confusion, until he lifts his head, and you notice the cheeky grin on his face, the glint in his amber eyes. If you’re willing to play with the captain a little bit, he’ll take your side.

And fuck do you want to stick it to Rhys right about now.

“I think that’s the best idea I’ve heard all week, James.”

“You know it.”

You come out of your psychology quiz feeling light.

You may not have scored a perfect hundred, but you have a feeling that you did a lot better than you have been doing thus far in the semester, and reluctantly, you have Rhysand to thank for it.

The both of you had spent Wednesday night studying in the library. You hadn’t brought up the ban, much too tired to deal with him more than you had to. He’d shot you a look of confusion when you immediately tucked into his notes and study guides without an utterance of a sarcastic remark. It had been the longest day of the semester so far, as you played catch up in psych while he worked on a paper for an astronomy class he was taking as an elective.

You don’t know what surprised you more, that he’s as nearly as good with astronomy from what you’d read of his paper, or how he managed to stay so on top of everything in his life. He’s an excellent student, excelling in all his classes, whilst being caption of the hockey team, and a tutor? You don’t know how he finds the time for all of it, because just the idea of adding anything more into your courseload this semester makes you want to melt into the floor.

But you will be, because you’re determined for the spot as the hockey teams athletic training intern.

Rhysand doesn’t have a clue, and it takes more effort than you thought it would not to blurt it out just to see the look on his face. James has been a tremendous help, setting a meeting time with his coach to meet with you at the beginning of next week. Apparently, coach Devlin cares a lot about his team. He might be harsh on you at first, James had advised, but he’ll warm up to you quickly. I think everyone will.

And well, you didn’t know how to respond to that.

“Hi honey,” your mom greets when you call her on your way back from class. It’s a brisk day on campus, and you’re cuddled in a bright orange sweater because it was the least you could do to celebrate Halloween. Students all around are either dressed to the T or in their normal garb, saving their costumes for when the night falls and they can really show out.

“Hi, mom,” you respond, biting back a laugh at a particularly funny costume. It’s one of those blow-up ones that you’re sure would not be a fan favorite in a lecture of a hundred students. It’s shaped like an alien stealing a poor human, and you’re thankful you don’t have any classes with him because sitting behind that would not be fun.

You wonder if he might be in Rhysand’s astronomy class, and debate snapping a photo to send his way, questioning his stance on aliens.

“How are you? How are classes going?”

“Good, mom, everything’s good,” you say, and it’s almost the truth.

Your mother keeps a very busy schedule and has since you were twelve, when your father suddenly passed. As her way of coping, she threw herself into her work, giving it more than 110%, and in return, she was promoted. Now, she spends most of the year traveling across the country to visit and meet with different suppliers for her company.

Usually, you’re fine with it, because she’s trying her best and you’re in college, but when you do have the rare time off for holidays and breaks, sometimes your schedules don’t quite align.

Which you know is the bad news about to come from the other side of the phone as soon she sighs heavily.

“What is it this time?” You grouse, and the good mood you’d been in after taking your quiz plummets. “No time off for parent’s weekend? No winter break this year?”

She says your name in a scolding manner. There’s a tinge of regret that you know she doesn’t expect you to pick up on, but it’s been the two of you for so long that you don’t even need to see her face to tell that she’s as sad as you are about the news. “It’s not Christmas. It’s Thanksgiving. They’re sending me over to London for a convention. I’d love for you to join me but—”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” you reply solemnly. “Not enough time off.”

“I’m sorry, sweetie. But I promise I’ll see you for winter break. I’ll make it up to you then, and I’ll even pick you up from the airport personally.”

You have no doubt about that. Your mother spoils you, even if she isn’t the one doing the actual shopping. You love that she’s so important to her company and that she adores her job, it’s what you’re striving for too, but sometimes you wish she was around more, to give your life advice and rant to her about boys and class and anything. You spend more time talking to her voicemail than you do her.

“That sounds good.” You swallow around the lump in your throat. Tears sting the back of your eyes because you really were looking forward to seeing your mom. You haven’t seen her in months. She’d been halfway across the world when you left for college, and it had felt weird packing in your empty home and leaving it with one last longing look over your shoulder, with the memories of a happy family growing up there turned silent and eerie. “What do they have you doing instead?” You ask to be polite.

Your phone buzzes in your hand and you pull the device away from your face to check the incoming message. You’re not really paying attention to your mother’s rambling anyway, and all you really want to do is hang up on her for the sour knot she’s unknowingly put in your stomach.

Rhysand: How did it go?

You ignore the warmth that fills your chilled veins at his thoughtfulness. You’d mentioned in passing when your quiz was, and you certainly didn’t expect him to remember this on top of all the other things he has going on in his busy schedule right now.

You: Pretty sure I aced that shit.

His response comes much faster than you expected it to, especially considering you know he’s about to walk into the arena for practice. You wonder if he’s going to dress up for the party at the hockey house Mor is dragging you to, or if he’s going to be sporting something lame like wearing his jersey.

Yes, you told yourself you wouldn’t step foot in that house again, but it’s Halloween, and Mor is way more persuasive than you ever gave her credit for.

Plus, if you’re near Rhysand, it’ll be much easier to get back at him for your ban.

Rhysand: Is that so?

You bite back your amusement, typing a reply.

You: So it may not have been a 100, but I’m pretty sure it was an 85% or higher.

Rhysand: Pretty sure? I guess we’ll have to study harder so next time you’re 100% sure you’ve aced it.

You don’t know why you like the sound of that so much, but his words are encouraging, a nice change from the way your mom’s shouting spills from your speaker, snapping you back to attention.

“Sorry, mom,” you apologize, “I just remembered that I’m late for a study group. I’ll see you for winter break, okay? I love you.”

She makes a noise that’s somewhere halfway between unimpressed and amused. “Okay sweetie. Study up and stay safe tonight, okay? Happy Halloween.”

“Happy Halloween. Bye, mom. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” she says, and you end the call, refocusing your attention on your phone.

You: Sounds like a plan, cap.

Rhysand: Cap? Not sure I like you calling me that, if I’m being honest.

You: Why? Because I’m not allowed to talk to hockey players? Which, by means that I shouldn’t be talking to you either, right?

You shouldn’t snap, especially since you’re going to have the pleasure of being around him and can chew him out tonight, but you can’t help yourself.

Rhysand: Ugh, I’m never going to live that down, am I?

You: Not a chance.

Rhysand: How about I make it up to you? You’re coming tonight, right?

He replies to his own message before you can even answer.

Rhysand: Of course you are. It’s going to be the hottest party on campus. Why did I bother asking?

You: WOW! This tops the cake on being full of yourself, I think.

You: But if you were wanting to make it up to me…what that might look like?

You don’t realize just how much you look like another one of his simpering conquests until you catch yourself in the reflection of the door to your dorm building. A cheesy smile on your face, head stuck in your phone, oblivious to everything around you.

Jesus, get it together, girl.

You mentally scold yourself, but when your phone buzzes again, all of that is lost to the ether, and you too, diving back into your phone.

Rhysand: It might look long and hard, around eight inches I’d guess.

You choke. Eight inches? There’s no way.

While you work out the schematics of how that works with anyone, Rhysand sends a follow up.

Rhysand: I can tell you’re thinking about it. If you ask nicely, I’d be more than happy to show you. ;)

You can’t help but scoff. Where does he get off? You’d ask, but you know he’d have another cheeky response to the question.

You can’t believe this is how he messages you. This is less than professional, but you have already felt his hard body beneath yours, and how nicely you fit under his arm. It’s not difficult to picture how he might be in bed.

But he’s sworn you off! And now he’s flirting with you like he didn’t enforce those laws when he caught you speaking to James at their last party.

This boy is making your head spin.

You punch the button to call the elevator, mulling over how to respond. Maybe no response is the best response? You can’t help but feel a little fuzzy at his sweet words, and the thought sours when you realize that he’s probably talking to a multitude of women the same way. You’re not sure you want to go to the party anymore by the time you reach your dorm, not even for your revenge, because there’s no way you want to see any other girls draped all over him all night, but when you open your door, you step into chaos.

The chaos being, your roommate Mor with costumes strewn about the living room, with a wild grin on her face and a tired looking Gwyn trying to hide beneath a pile of fabric on the couch.

“Happy Halloween, bitch! It’s party time!”

_________________________________________

Over Ice Taglist:

@saltedcoffeescotch @acourtofbatboydreams @mrsjna @velarisdusk @bionic-donut @tenshis-cake @eleganttravelercloud @lilah-asteria @serena05 @bwormie @soph1644 @house-husband-of-castlemurdock @tothestarsandwhateverend @topaz125 @judig92 @se7enteen--black-blog @thecraziestcrayon @cherry-cin @itsinherited @justafictionalnerd @bookishbroadwaybish @405rry @itsinherited

[iwoulddieforher]

Rigid | Casey Novak × Alex Cabot

Author's Note: This got super out of hand with the length- I think this is the longest fanfiction I've ever written. Hope you enjoy it, though <3 ~16k+ words

Warnings: Tooth-rotting fluff. I like the idea of Alex being neurodivergent in some way, even if she doesn't know it herself, so some of her self-descriptions will come off that way.

Summary: Alex wants desperately to be able to relax like she sees her colleagues doing, and a night watching a coworker she has her eye on- Casey Novak- might present itself as the opportunity to get what she wants.

Porcelain dolls strung up by small transparent strings were significantly less rigid than Alex Cabot currently felt. How she usually felt, even.

High-class family, posh preparatory school, strategically made connections rather than real relationships were all she grew up knowing. Everything had a meaning, a purpose, a reason for why it was so, and that also applied to every detail of her appearance and demeanor must similarly be intentional. She grew up internalizing that, and thus, as an adult she utterly lacked the ability to let her spine curve into a natural slump, to lay in bed without wondering what it would look like to a non-existent observer, to kiss someone in a way that focused on the intimacy rather than the shifted facade that she displayed in order to appear desirable.

It felt inhuman. She really hated it. The feeling she coped with daily made her skin crawl as if it was begging to be torn off to reveal a real person behind it instead of the ever-complicating mask.

It was especially noticeable to her on days like these, where a high-profile case had just been absolutely devoured by her colleague, Casey Novak, so the squad room was positively thrumming with excitement and a collective sense of triumph. Olivia, the one Alex had made a habit of perching herself by, was currently at the corner store to pick up a bottle of something to share, so the attorney was standing almost aimlessly against the brunette detective's desk. Across the desk was Stabler, in his respective chair, looking up at Casey who had chosen to place herself on the edge of his desk. Munch was in his rolly-chair, with Tutuola leaning over the back of it, Cragen standing stiffly but not uncomfortably near the commotion like a proud father.

"And that absolutely little weasel of a man-" Casey chirps, as much as a voice as low as hers could sound like a chirp, interrupted by a bark of laughter from Stabler, "Sorry, that boot-licking short ass bottom-feeding rodent-"

"Casey!" Stabler admonished, although his eyes were shining with amusement, and the faux blonde woman laughed and swatted at him half-heartedly.

"Yes, okay, I'll mind my manners. The defense counselor, before the trial, told me that because I'm pretty if I want after the duration of court he'll give me some tips on improving- and now I won, and when he was walking out, I managed to shoot him a smile and say 'if you want any tips, just call Novak at the DA's office'- I thought he was going to deck me right there-"

Casey's storytelling is rewarded with a roar of laughter from the men, her face shining with victory and the aftereffects of a battle well fought, and Alex can't help but find her beautiful. Casey Novak was anything but rigid, and Alex wished she was more like that- even if Casey's temper did get her in trouble more frequently than one would wish.

"Okay, well, don't let your victory get you all haughty, I'm still going to kick your ass tonight." Stabler snorts, after the laughter had died down, which sends Casey into a refreshed cascade of giggles.

"You? Kick my ass? Oh, you wish."

"Wait," Alex cuts in, everyone's eyes flickering to her as if they were slightly off guard that she was still following the conversation, "what's this about kicking each other's asses?"

"I'm going to hand Stabler his balls on the softball field tonight-" Casey starts before Stabler swings at her playfully and she gets distracted by shooting him a playful warning look. Alex forgot how much they acted like siblings sometimes, but the way they seemed to bounce off each other and banter so smoothly made them seem like twins. She could very easily imagine them in early teens kicking each other under a dining room table.

"Recently we've all started getting together to play softball together," Stabler interjects, granting Alex a serious response, "after big cases on the weekends we get together with some other cops and some other lawyers at night. Good way to blow off steam if justice isn't served or good way to celebrate if we do."

“It used to be a big thing, there were inter-department tournaments at the DA’s office or whatever, but now us who liked it so much just play for the hell of it, and also against the cops.” Casey nods, finally done with Stabler after managing to flick him in the middle of the forehead with her finger, which he glares at her for.

"And us who don't play softball get drunk while watching 'em." Munch says, leaning back in his swivel, with Tutuola adding a nod from just above him.

Alex bit her tongue, blinking in mild surprise. Back before she had 'died', they had gone to bars together to celebrate such things, and she didn't know any of them had really had any penchant for sports outside of Stabler occasionally mentioning his daughter's soccer or basketball results. She certainly had no clue Casey was apparently formidable enough on a softball field to hold on against a built detective such as Stabler.

"Speaking of drunk, I'm back." Olivia announces, strolling into the precinct once more, finding her way to stand beside Alex while cradling two bottles of some discounted wine, holding one up as evidence.

"Oh I got the worst fucking hangover from that shit-" Fin fires off immediately, who then gets silenced by a snort from Olivia, and the warm atmosphere is immediately resumed, Novak and Stabler beginning to chatter about proper swinging technique and which one of them was doing it wrong while Munch, Benson, and Tutuola start arguing over alcohol. Alex felt rather out of place.

Tone switching over to something light and banter-y was usually a bit difficult for her after grueling caseloads, and today especially she was just done. She didn't want to leave, though, she didn't want to be alone or god forbid find company with other stiff-necked attorneys to chat with hollow words about unnecessary topics, but involving herself in this easy exchange- especially since she wasn't entirely sure if she was invited- was hard.

"Oh, how about you join us, Alex?" Olivia suddenly exits her own argument to turn towards the blonde, her face soft the way it usually was when it came to her. "I know it's not your type of thing, probably, but it would be nice to have you there."

Her voice is earnest, and Alex had been wishing someone would invite her to accompany the drinkers, so although she entertained the puppy-eyes Benson made at her for a few seconds longer than necessary she did ultimately accept.

"Does this mean we can put bottles of something more worth drinking on Cabot's platinum card?" Munch mutters, pushing his dark glasses up the bridge of his nose, and Alex snorts.

"Tough luck, but if we go to a bar after I'll carry a round."

Olivia's head whips around and stares pointedly at Casey, firing off a quick, "No tequila," to which Casey makes the most indignant face Alex could possibly imagine on the copper-headed woman.

"Hey, that was not my fault- and also only once-" Casey defends, and Stabler starts laughing, slapping his fist on the table.

"Do you remember the whole thing with that-"

"Yes," Casey snaps, "I'm sure mostly everyone does, and if they don't then-"

"Casey, Alex wouldn't know." Olivia says lightly, elbowing the mentioned blonde, "Come on, Alex, aren't you curious? We should retell this for your sake, right?"

Alex's icy blue eyes met Casey's dense green ones, and she was momentarily indecisive. She wasn't friends with Novak, and she wasn't going to pretend that she was, as much as she enjoyed watching the copper-headed attorney play with the coworkers she was genuinely close to. She wanted to know, but as soon as she saw the guard up in Casey's posture, the way that Alex's rigid demeanor was mirrored immediately by the younger woman, she faltered.

Alex was stiff. Her spine was held to an excessively intentional angle. Even though to everyone else she seemed almost as natural as the rest of them, learned iron in her veins commanded her to be a degree of rigidness that came close to robotic. And Casey was the farthest thing from imperceptive.

In the courtroom, it was necessary to shoot the same metaphorical bullet as the one that had been fired at you, and Casey did nothing short, her vertebrae stacking above one another as she readjusted herself, jaw growing more firm, her eyes flickering to become hard and sharp in a way that would almost seem predatory had it not been for Alex's recognition that this was entirely procedural for the younger attorney. Alex knew in her head too that if she was interacting with someone else like this, she'd have done the same thing.

Lawyers had a way of exchanging thoughts without verbalization, and Casey and Alex were currently having an odd back-and-forth that happened within a fraction of a second completely unbeknownst to the rest of the room. Casey registered the swirl of thoughts in Alex's mind and her inability to formulate a response in time to seem natural, and with the ball in her court, decided to give the blonde attorney an out.

"Okay, fine," she huffed, as though she was actually unwilling to share, despite the fact she was fully aware Alex would not have moved to force her to and she could easily tamp down or distract the eager detectives, "long story short, Olivia and I started fighting, and she made a jab about me no longer being white collar's youth prodigy, so I tried.. to prove how youthful I still was- er, still am."

Alex wrinkled the tip of her nose, pursing her lips to stop from laughing at that, and Casey twitched an eyebrow jokingly before shaking her head.

As soon as her head turned, the copper-headed attorney decided to release the inelastic facade she had just momentarily constructed, leaning backward once more. To the eye of the others, nothing that demanded the level of thought that had just been executed had come close to occurring.

The older attorney wasn't entirely sure how to reward Casey for her kindness in that exchange, but she felt like she should. She made a mental note that she owed Casey something- perhaps if the copper-headed woman snarked at her sometime in the future, she'd let it go without question, or some similar social grace. Her uncle has drilled in the 'advice' that one never forgets what they owe another, lest suddenly be surprised when the other expects to collect.

"She ended up kissing this random blonde woman who was going through a divorce." Munch supplied helpfully, who earned a glare from Casey in return, and the seconds returned to passing at a more natural rate rather than the slowed pace Alex had just felt like they moved in. The conversation was resumed.

"No, the bad part wasn't even that she made out with her, but the fact her flirting consisted entirely of legal jargon-" Olivia filled in, and Alex snorted softly as Casey's head whipped in the other direction to glare at her instead.

"Okay, okay, listen- first of all, she was not a random woman, her name was Jane and we did keep in contact for the duration of her vacation here-" Casey raised a finger, cutting Liv off, "and if you understood any sort of vocabulary past fifth grade, it would have made perfect sense to you."

Alex paused, deciding this was probably a point at which a response was required to reestablish her presence so she could stop relying on Olivia to make her involved, "Well, it does seem like a- ... youthful thing to do?"

Casey's jaw fell slightly agape, and then she closed it with a huff. "Okay, well. Olivia's just pissed because I can actually involve myself with women."

"I'm not gay!" The brunette protested indignantly, to which Casey and Elliot exchanged a look that read as what-is-she-on.

Olivia was silenced for a moment, bristling, before extending her arm to rest on Alex's. "Alex, help me out, us straight girls need to stick together with all this-"

"Straight?" Alex questioned, an uncomfortable chuckle in her throat, "Olivia, you didn't know I'm-?"

"What?!" Olivia cried, straightening immediately, not affronted but apparently incredibly surprised, which Alex internally sighed at, only to be distracted by a low whistle from Casey that she decided not to respond to.

Internally, Alex was grappling with the new information that Casey was sapphic. She was too, although she understood why Liv hadn't known, she wasn't super forthright with her identity- but Casey?

After a moment's contemplation, she realized that this actually made a lot of sense and she felt mildly stupid for not having realized on her own.

"Yeah," Stabler says after a pause, "I think this is our cue to get going to the softball diamond before Liv has her whole am-i-gay breakdown right here in the squad room."

The rag-tag group collectively nods, shuffling for possessions, with Olivia still apparently on edge and lost in an internal conversation with herself about the possibility of homosexuality. After a few more moments of collecting items or putting things into respective places, and after Casey pats Olivia sympathetically on the shoulder, they begin to head out to the parking lot.

Alex clicked the key to her Cadillac, briefly pausing to obtain the address of the sports place as well as a time, since a few people wanted to drop by home to discard professional belongings or change, and because a few members of the DA's teams were still in session, before studying the exits of her colleagues.

Tutuola and Munch separate to respective vehicles, with Olivia being given a ride by Stabler as usual, and Casey splitting off from the group entirely to unlock her bike. Cragen excuses himself with the explanation that he's not going to meet up with the rest of them, he doesn't play softball nor does he drink so he's spending a nice night in instead.

Everyone's method of transportation seemed in some way reflective of themselves. Munch's windows were so tinted Alex was vaguely concerned about the potential illegality of it and Fin's car is beat up in a way that shows he doesn't abide by the physics of curbs. Olivia and Elliot's carpooling constantly served as a testament to their bond as detectives, and Casey...

"I still can't believe you actually bike here every morning. While wearing the suit? Jesus." Stabler bantered, leaning on the hood of his own car while watching Casey fumble with the lock on her bike.

"Well," she replied in a curt rasp, straightening, "that's why my legs are toned and yours would snap under water pressure-" she stopped to point at him almost accusingly, "and don't get me started on cardiovascular health."

Olivia drags Elliot into his car before the two start bickering again, and that leaves Alex watching Casey out of the corner of her eye as the attorney fixes her bike locks to the luggage rack before swinging one leg over the seat and taking off, her chin nestled in her scarf, her mid-length hair swirling behind her.

For a second too long, she lingers, but then Alex climbs into her cold car, groaning slightly at the feeling of the stiff leather on her back, before driving without picking out a destination. She didn't have anything she felt uncomfortable leaving in her car, nor did she have anything to pick up, so going to her penthouse was somewhat pointless. However, with about an hour until the designated time, staring out the window at the city streets far below seemed more interesting than staring at said streets on the ground level while seated aimlessly in her car, so she went home.

The elevator opened directly into her apartment, so she needed to use her key in the elevator pad itself, and when she did and the doors opened she dropped her briefcase right next to the door- it fell exactly the same way it would've if she had intentionally placed it, which makes her mildly irritated.

She didn't bother to kick off her shoes, placing herself on the couch in her apartment, and staring blankly at the wall. Her spine was straight, her legs angled to the side in the way her mother had taught her to make them look longer, her hands folded in her lap. Her apartment felt desolate. Her skin crawled.

She tried to focus on something- anything, really, in her apartment- but all she was met with was cold, smooth marble that her eyes slid off of. Plaquettes held her accomplishments that suddenly felt utterly pointless, framed pictures of her family or college friends that seemed impersonal. She couldn't keep a plant alive and she had never actually gone decor shopping herself, so the place was devoid of color, only shades of grey.

Alex groaned and placed her hands over her eyes under her glasses, tilting her spine backward until it hit the back of the sofa. It felt wrong, everything felt wrong, and her skin felt like it was crawling, her bones turning and burning inside her like she imagined cement would feel. It was uncomfortable in a way that wasn't painful- but that didn't stop her from fixating on the discomfort immensely.

The attorney rolled to the side, swinging her heels up onto the couch, one hand cradling her head and the other reaching to tug off her glasses. Strangely, in the dim blue lighting of the sun setting behind heavy clouds, her mind shifted to the opposite of said cold color- it landed on the shade of Casey's hair.

In the DA's office or in court when they crossed paths, Casey was stiff in the way every lawyer Alex had ever encountered was. The degree of rigidness that was learned by years of constant practice of saying and acting exclusively in intentional ways. Still, though, her eyes were always warm, in a way lawyer's eyes seldom were. But when she relaxed, which she was able to do, unlike Alex, she was simultaneously the same and also a completely different person.

She'd be lying to say she didn't know Casey was athletic- despite her unaware that she played softball, or was to any degree interested in her own physique the way her exchanges with Stabler today suggested- Alex had let her eyes linger on the other woman's arms on occasion in warmer environments when the redhead rolled her sleeves up. Her mind constructed the image of running her finger along the toned curve of her forearm, up her arm, and towards the delicate curve of her neck. In her imagination, Casey's skin was warm, and it only warmed further at Alex's motion. When she met Casey's olive-colored eyes, she was already looking back at her, eyes only half-lidded.

She felt her own cheek flush in her palm, and she sat up, shaking off the thought, but the sensation of warmth in her cheeks and the imagined feeling in the pad of her fingertip was enough to pull her off the couch, to the bathroom, where she took off the makeup she had done for court, tugging her suit jacket off, fumbling off her belt.

She wanted out of the porcelain, out of her skin for a night. She had seen the way Casey's guard had flickered up when she had faced her in the squad room, holding a mirror to the rigid body across from her, and she wanted out. The solution to that was to try to force the stiffness out of her soul so Casey wouldn't have any such thing to mirror. She had a reputation to uphold with the rest of the squad, with Liv and with Stabler, but Casey was more perceptive than Liv was- at least when it came to her- and she felt as though she knew enough to play it safe while still getting what she wanted. It would be an issue if Liv or Stabler or any of the other detectives or such lost respect for her professional standing. She was diligent, and hardworking, and she valued that about herself immensely, and she was not about to make the mistake of letting that persona fumble for a night’s activity. But still, she wanted a night where her skin felt like it belonged to her. If Casey's eyes didn't harden when she looked at her, maybe that would be close enough.

Her formal attire was replaced quickly, boot cut jeans instead of her slacks and although she didn't remove her white blouse she layered it with a loose sweater. She ran her fingers through her hair, intentionally messing with it, before nodding with satisfaction at her now slightly more casual appearance. The collar of her blouse sticking up through the neckline of her sweater was enough to not shift the persona the detectives identified with her, but she decided it was enough. It was enough that her uncle would click his tongue at her for wearing jeans while around a colleague.

She then proceeded to sit almost aimlessly on her couch again, drumming her fingers on her lap while waiting for the time to elapse so she could go to the softball field without being the first one there. In her mind, she debated writing up some notes or preparing for a case in the coming week, but she knew if she went back into lawyer mode it would just be worse trying to shake it off again. Unfortunately for her, as a kid all her hobbies were dictated- fencing, equestrian, ballroom dance and such, and since she never really grew attached to any of them and then failed to procure a hobby or pastime in her adult life, she didn't have much else to do.

Her phone chimed and she picked it up, assuming it would be something idle or law-related, only to find a text from a number she recognized, her heart thrumming insistently when it realized whose message she was currently reading.

Casey Novak→ Hello Alex, this is Casey (Novak, the one you work with, in case you know another)

Casey Novak→ Apologies for jumping this on you, but any chance we could carpool tonight? My bike is having a technical issue I can't be bothered with fixing it currently.

She waited a couple seconds before answering with,

← Seems doable. Send me your address?

Casey responded to that within a minute and Alex exhaled, mentally registering where that was, before standing up. With the detour of picking up Casey as well as the fact it doesn't really matter if she's early now because she's accompanying a player, she feels soothed to leave soon.

← Would you find it alright if I came in about a half hour?

Casey Novak→ More than alright, you have my thanks

← I'm more than happy to help.

After a pause, the message goes on read, and Alex doesn't really know what she had expected as a response. Mildly discontented, she put her phone down.

If she wasn't about to be driving, she would drink a glass of wine, but alas that was quite literally the point so she could not indulge herself. She pondered briefly the logistics of getting drunk when she was at the softball diamond, but worst comes to worst she’d just have to taxi. And, she supposed, would have to take Casey also in said taxi.

She felt her jaw grow a bit firmer at the constant resurfacing of Casey Novak in the back of her mind. Alright, sure, now they actually had plans and she was picking her up, so it made sense. But still. It wasn't exactly unlike her to develop random infatuations, desires to knock people she admired and simultaneously was irritated by down a peg, god knows the mistake with Jim Steele- but… Casey seemed… different.

Her heart muttered that Casey seemed warm and alive and her skin seemed soft and she was entirely unlike anyone Alex had ever grown attached to, Casey was not a power play, Casey was not a mind game. Casey was Casey. Alex didn't really understand what that meant.

She clicked her tongue to herself and then decided that no, she would not pursue anything with Casey. She had been toying with the idea of making that dream of tracing up Casey’s forearms with her fingertips a reality, perhaps as a flirty joke she could pass off as drunken boldness. But now her heart started to fumble in her chest at the thought, and not only in a good way. She wasn't exactly sure why her mind was suddenly reeled in the polar opposite direction of what she had been fantasizing about only a couple of minutes ago, but now she felt mildly stressed. Her skin crept little patterns on her nerves like ants blacking out a lamp, eating through power cords.

Maybe the fact she didn't really understand Casey is what sent little alarm bells ringing in her mind. To pursue meant to trust and to trust meant she had to know it all. She felt like she knew essentially nothing.

Sometimes Alex really wished she was less self-aware. She analyzed every thought or feeling she had like it was someone else’s, and therefore frequently felt as though she was drowning in someone else’s brain when in reality she was still sitting on her couch in her apartment in her clothes in her- supposedly her- skin.

It was time to leave now, anyway, so she cut herself off from her own train of thoughts to stand, and collect some items in one of her more used purses in case alcohol was split, it got snatched, or some other random misfortune that may occur to a handbag. Once she was pleased with her level of preparation she double-checked the contents one last time- car keys, one of her more mildly used wallets, phone, power bank, medical emergency kit, a notepad, a block of sticky notes, her pager, and a pen. She pulled a scarf on as an afterthought, not entirely sure if the temperature would drop as it got dark out but decided not to take that risk.

With that, she left her penthouse, standing stiffly in the elevator on the way down, staring at herself in the reflective wall the metal box had. Hmm.

Within twenty minutes, and exactly on time to the thirty minutes she had offered Casey earlier, she was parked on the street outside Casey’s address, looking up at a rather elegant brownstone. Sometimes she mused to herself that the modern aesthetic of her apartment complex far outranked the sort of shabby, oftentimes falling apart older buildings, but this seemed.. it seemed vaguely Elysian. She approved of it.

← I’m outside

Casey Novak → I’m sorry, I’m running a little late. Would you like to come up? I’ll buzz you in.

← I can wait in my car, I don't want to intrude.

Casey Novak → I’ll feel better if you just come on in. I’m inviting you. Please.

Alex blinked at that message, slowly typing out,

← Okay, then. If you're sure.

She exited her car with a furrow in her brow, locking the vehicle, and then continuing the steps up to the doorbell placard, where she found Novak’s name printed in a thin, flat font. She pressed the small silver button next to it, making a mental note of the floor and roughly which door it should be based on doorbell placement. A startling buzzing sound went off that Alex was thankfully prepared for, and she pushed open the frankly unnecessary large wood door. She traveled up the steps, to the third floor, deciding that she should start exercising more often if going up only three floors already had her inhaling a bit sharper, and she didn't need to wander reading the names next to the ringers because Casey’s door was open ajar and she was peeking her eye through the crack.

Alex caught a glimpse of Casey’s smile through the small opening, before the copper-headed woman disappeared in a flash, waving Alex in. She did as instructed, closing the door behind her tentatively. Immediately, she could not see Casey in her own apartment.

“Sorry,” the woman called, “I decided I wanted to shower beforehand so I need to straighten my hair again. That's why it's taking me a minute. Just sit down wherever you like, I’ll be done in just a second.”

“You straighten your hair?” Alex asked curiously, standing awkwardly in the foyer. Although Casey had instructed her to sit, she couldn't imagine pulling a chair out anywhere or settling herself on the younger attorney’s couch.

Inhaling deeply, she resigned to studying Casey's apartment interior with interest.

The interior walls were a smooth ivory, the floorboards a dark wood that matched the accents- the window and door frames, the stairs. Casey’s apartment was a lot more vertical than her own- where Alex had half of a floor, so her apartment was wide horizontally as well as deep, the walls were only a couple of feet on each side in the entry hallway and Alex couldn't imagine the rooms being, well, anywhere as large as her’s. But somehow, the comparison did not change the charm of the apartment.

Perhaps that had something to do with the atmosphere. It smelled like sandalwood and caramel, and the walls were lined with memorabilia- which Alex considered briefly was strange, because Casey's desk and office were almost barren considering some of the other workstations she had seen. She skimmed over smiling faces, Casey with dozens of people she’d see in this photo and never again. Casey with a little girl propped up on her hip, holding a little boy by the hand on a beach, all three smiling at the camera, but in a way that made it seem like it was almost unintentional, like someone had captured a moment in a camera which usually only existed in fond memory. Casey kissing a man with short brown hair, her arms, which seemed slightly thinner in the photo than Alex had grown to know them, (although the woman was always slim,) wrapping around his shoulders. She looked younger, happy, smiling into the kiss, and he did too. Probably during college, Alex mused. Casey’s finger, resting lovingly on his shoulder, was adorned with a silver band. Alex blinked.

She chided herself to move on with her inspection. Whoever this person was, it didn't seem like they were still in her life, unless Casey had been cheating on him with ‘Jane’. Stabler didn't take well to cheaters, so Alex really doubted that. She wasn't sure what the thrum of her heart was meant for- so she just exhaled. She couldn't drag her eyes away from it, though.

When she inhaled again, she was greeted with the scent of whatever hair products Casey was currently employing. It dragged her out of her thoughts, and it made her twinge with guilt at the thought of analyzing Casey’s history through her personal pictures. Casey was kind enough to be undeserving of an inspection.

There was no door between the foyer and the kitchen, so Alex turned to focus on that instead, her blue eyes skimming over what appeared to be a sourdough starter. Music played quietly out of some surround sound speaker, somewhere, something idle, and indie.

The dark brown of the floor was complimented well by the constant appearance of plants- not flowers, but succulents or similar. Apparently, Casey was in the middle of repotting one, because the table had a large tray with items that would suggest that.

“Oh, sorry about that-” Casey mused, appearing suddenly next to her, “I was trying to swap out pots for that one- roots were getting too big, you know, but then I got buzzed for a warrant this morning and dropped it.”

She smelled really good, and Alex wasn't happy that that was the first thing she noticed, but she did. Casey’s perfume, which Alex had noted a couple of times in the DA’s office, had just been freshly reapplied, and her hair was perfect in a way that only lasted a couple of moments after styling it. She looked in a way that Alex could only describe as warm.

Casey was dressed in a blue softball jersey that had ‘Sex Crimes’ bolded on the front in a lacy font and tracksuit pants. The usual frustration carried in her eyes and eyebrows was gone entirely, replaced with lights of excitement that showed in the way she held her hands and smiled. She wasn't wearing any makeup, only a dark lip balm that Alex now wanted to know the brand of.

“And yes,” Casey said, replying to Alex’s comment from a moment ago, despite it having felt like an eternity since then to Alex, “I do have to straighten my hair. Not all of us can be blessed with locks like yours, Miss Cabot.”

Ignoring the teasing nature of her voice as she said Alex’s more formal name, the blonde still lifted her eyebrows as if pained and shot her a look. “Please never call me ‘Miss Cabot' again- It’s just Alex to you.”

“Alright, ‘just Alex’-” Casey said, with an amused huff, before turning and waving at her abode, “verdict? You seemed interested.”

“I-” Alex pursed her lips. Casey was not stupid. If she hadn't been interested, she would've sat down like Casey had initially instructed or been on her phone, or been staring off into space. “I like it. You have a very lovely apartment. It suits you.”

“Thank you.” Casey smiles, pleased, before glancing back down at the houseplant activity. “It would feel better if I had gotten to finish this, though. My mom insists I keep them all.”

“Why?”

“You know how in law school, you’d stay shut in all the time, sleep at horrible hours, and keep the blinds drawn? She bought me a million plants and kept making me show her they were still alive to make sure I was airing my dorm and letting sunlight in. And that I was looking up from my laptop at least for a minute a day.” Casey snorts, but she seems fond of my memory. “I guess she doesn't really insist I keep them anymore. She hasn't checked, anyway. But I got used to it. I swapped out her delicate plants for succulents, though, because I forget to water them sometimes. I’m not here very much.”

“Your mother seems like an attentive woman,” Alex comments, watching as Casey’s eyes grow momentarily heavy, staring still at the plant, before she blinked it off.

“I’ve been blessed,” she answers smoothly instead, “with a wonderful family.”

There's an awkward beat of hesitation, where neither knows what to say, before Casey exhales and forces a smile. “Have you eaten anything? If you're going to drink with Tutuola, you probably need something to eat. And I need to grab my gear and such. If we leave now, we’d still be significantly early.”

“I had breakfast-” Alex starts, before seeing Casey raise an eyebrow at her, “but it was a large one, Casey, I’m not trying to tear up your kitchen.”

“Sweet or savory?” Was the other woman’s only response as she strolled into her kitchen, opening cabinets and ruffling through items.

“I don't have the time to make you something properly right now, but God help it if I let you leave here without eating something.”

Alex stood uncomfortably in the doorway to the kitchen, a small unsure frown on her face, so Casey shot her a pointed look, walked over, grabbed her arm, lightly guided and then shoved her into a chair, and then went back to trying to find something to offer her.

“You seem,” Casey looked at her as if studying her brain through her skull, “as though you’d have a sweet tooth.”

“Why do you say that?” Alex looked at her, slightly indignant. Outside of being used as a method of intimidation, it was normally rude to brazenly note observations as such in the world she was used to. It was far more polite to make it sound as though it was a question.

But Casey just laughed softly, pulling a box out of the fridge and popping the lid. She fumbled with the contents for a few seconds. In the chair Casey had set her down in, Alex could not see what it was until Casey approached, holding a dessert fork in one hand with her other carrying a plate with a generous portion of red velvet cake.

“Fancy ass cake for a fancy ass lady. I made this yesterday, so I think it's still fine to serve you, even if the frosting set a bit more than I prefer. You don't have to eat it all, but I hope you at least try it.”

With that, and not even waiting for a thank you, Casey brushed past, going to collect her sports gear. Alex felt like her head was spinning slightly with the lack of normal procedure. She was being left alone to eat cake in Casey’s apartment? Wasn't the redhead worried she would- well, Casey had commented on the fact she knew Alex was borderline snooping, but to leave her alone after that? How trusting was she? Unless this was some sort of test.

Alex decided to proceed as if it were. What would Casey be testing? How much Alex trusted her? Maybe she thought Alex wouldn't eat food a stranger gave her, well- not entirely stranger, but still. But she couldn't fault her for that, could she? Regardless, Alex wasn't like that anyway. Maybe she was testing if Alex was too prudish to eat what she had provided. That sent a small jolt down her spine- she really didn't want Casey to think she was a snob- so she lifted the fork and in small, precise movements separated a small piece from the slice.

As soon as she felt it on her tongue, she immediately broke off a much larger portion to follow it with. Fuck. It was delicious.

Soft vanilla cream coated somehow equally soft red velvet generously, but not overwhelmingly, and once Alex separated off the middle she could see it was triple layered. The flavor was delicate, but in a way that made every taste bud in her mouth moan.

If she had to go celibate for the rest of her life to eat something like this again, she just might have to consider that. This was better than sex.

“Grandmother’s recipe,” Casey purred, reappearing with a large duffel slung over her shoulder, leaning in the doorway. “Well, not really, but it was one of the first things she made after she got access to the Internet and all the baking blogs one can find on there.”

Alex was physically startled, too engrossed in her eating to have realized Casey’s presence had reappeared. Casey easily could have murdered her while she was eating cake, and she wouldn't have looked up once.

She pushed the plate as if making to stand up, holding a hand in front of her mouth as her mother had taught her- it was impolite to see people see one chew, after all- but Casey shook her head quickly and took a seat next to her, leaning back, the duffel hitting the floor with a soft thud while Casey stretched out her arms, arched her spine languidly. Alex tried not to let her eyes linger on the soft amount of muscle coating her.

“By all means, I don't mean to interrupt your indulgence.”

Alex sheepishly turned back, pausing only for a fraction of a second before returning to shoveling the cake into her mouth as gracefully as she could. Casey looked very pleased, so that settled her nerves by a fraction. She couldn't and also wouldn't complain about Casey's bemused grin.

“It's- it’s just been a while since I’ve eaten anything this good.” Alex said after a swallow, straightening in her chair a little bit, looking at the remaining bites on her plate as if they were whispering sweet nothings into her ear.

“You look good like this,” Casey said, which Alex’s eyes widened at, blinking up from the cake to Casey, who strangely looked equally delicious, “you're normally so tense. Glad my baking can fix that.”

“I- uhm,”

Casey chuckled at Alex’s fluster, resting her head in her hand. “Just teasing you. But really, I am glad you're enjoying it.”

“How did you learn to bake like this?” Alex murmured, decided to switch tracks since she wasn't very sure what was happening.

The copper-headed woman only shrugged. “You learn in a family as large as mine. I mean, if both of my parents were busy, I’m not about to let all the younger ones go hungry because the older one decided to order something only for herself. And now all my nieces and nephews demand I make them sugary shit when I’m over, so my pastries are decent enough.”

In the back of her mind, Alex was now a bit upset that she couldn't cook. Casey’s reasoning that it was due to her family made sense, but it also twinged Alex’s mind that if her parents were busy and she had nothing to eat, they'd just call for the private chef to come up and make her something nutritious enough. When she was in college, on her allowance, she had just kept ordering delivery. Casey and her seemed to contrast each other notably in that way.

“How many siblings, if I may ask?”

“Four. I have an older sister, and then there was me, and then two twin brothers and my baby sister. Not that she’s much of a baby anymore- she graduated college last year- but still. She'll always be little to me.” Casey exhaled, evidently very fond, before glancing back up. “And you, Alex?”

“I’m- I’m an only child.” Alex said, after a second, and before she could stop herself, “they needed an heir.”

Casey paused, looking up at her thoughtfully, before nodding. “I wished I was an only child a lot growing up. It's different now that I have my own life and everything, but… mm. Families are complicated.”

Alex nodded sagely at that, finally finishing her cake, and then after a small pause asked, “Did you want your own?”

The second she said it, she felt like it was wrong. It was an intrusion, and she was already in Casey’s apartment in Casey’s chair eating Casey's food with Casey's utensils. She was overstepping everything, and she was asking something from Casey she could not possibly believe she was entitled to knowing, without giving her an out.

Casey froze, her eyes icing over. She stared at Alex for a long moment, who now was sure she had done something horribly wrong, but then Casey’s eyes shifted from blank shock to mildly upset.

“Sorry- yes, I did. It didn't work out that way.”

Alex swallowed, and realized this was a decisive moment. She had relaxed, and she had slipped up, and now Casey was rigid, and if she bounced back off of Casey and tensed, she’d never get what she wanted.

So then, biting back her nature and what she was taught to say in such situations, she said softly, “It didn't for me, either.”

The atmosphere shifted entirely, so much it seemed like the colors had changed spectrum. Alex was now used to how fast her colleague could run through emotions and facades, and although that familiarity was from the courtroom, Casey’s demeanor now changing into something almost like solidarity reminded her a lot of it. Casey dropped her momentary coldness as fast as Alex could put down her form, but unlike when Alex changed the face she wore in order to elicit the response she wanted, Casey seemed like she genuinely just had a change of emotion.

“You're still young, Casey,” Alex continued, encouraged by the attorney’s return to warmth, “it’ll happen.”

“Oh, please. Alex. You’re what- two years older than me?” Casey chided, her voice light. “And you're hot as hell, so I’m sure you have suitors.”

“Casey, have you looked in a mirror recently? If I have suitors, you must have a line from here to the DA’s office.”

“Oh, you charmer.” Casey scoffed, but Alex meant it. She slid her hand underneath the now empty plate, bringing it to the kitchen, before picking up her duffel once more. “And now you get to be my driver.”

“I’m honored,” Alex smoothly joked back, collecting her purse and standing up.

She glanced around Casey’s kitchen, then glanced around the foyer, one last time before she followed the redhead out of her apartment. She noted the shift of atmosphere the second she stepped over the doorstep, and internally found herself hoping it wasn’t the last time she was there.

A more sensible part of her brain reminded her just now that she had decided against pursuing Casey, so such thoughts were not worth lingering on. Another part of her brain indignantly riled that she could enter someone’s apartment without any sort of connotation. A third part of her brain wanted to reexamine the circumstances of the decision to blacklist Casey from the possible companion category, while a third sighed loudly and wished they would all shut up. A fourth part snarled that she was not going to allow herself to be vulnerable with this enigma- yes, despite her niceness and her willingness to provide her with cake she still didn't have any grasp on Casey's psyche, so that's what she was- until she had enough to cover her ass if something went wrong. A fifth part just wanted to see Casey smile at her in the kitchen like that again. The fifth part managed to distract most of the others with daydreams.

Casey understood that Alex was in thoughts, so she did nothing to compel a response, although Alex was sure she thought she was musing about family or law or such.

Nothing was said until they reached the front door of the building, which Casey opened and offered, and then resigned to follow Alex to where she had parked. She gave a low appreciative whistle when she climbed into the front passenger seat tugging her duffel down and into the legroom.

“Fuck. I knew from the outside you had a nice car, but… jesus christ, Alex.”

“What? Oh.” Alex glanced behind her as if only just now registering that. It was a nice car. Her Cadillac had been a birthday present from her uncle, especially because her Bentley was sold off after her death. “I- thank you. Well, only the best for you, right? Now that I’m your cabbie.”

She was rather pleased with the hints of a surprised blush forming on Casey's cheekbones. If Casey kept throwing out random compliments at her, she should return that, right?

“It's just because of my bike-…”

“Please. You’re so quick to dish out the teases until I do so?” Alex hummed, amused, and Casey only huffed in response, pointedly looking forward.

Alex set the softball arena as her navigation’s destination, and allows Casey on aux, the same melodious background sound filling the car speakers as they begin on their way. Being the driver is good. If she was the passenger, she’d be darting her eyes too constantly to look at Casey. Casey apparently does not have this struggle.

“So tell me, honestly,” Alex starts, to fill the silence with a topic she knows Casey will yap over, “between you and Stabler, who has the better swing?”

“Me,” Casey says, with absolutely no question in her voice. “Elliot is good- but he’s too used to his job. In softball, most of the swing is supposed to come from the rotation of the shoulders, not the movement of the arm. Elliot relies so much on the idea of punching he doesn't really get that. He tries to push his palms forward and pushes one shoulder down. Besides, I’ve been playing softball for a much longer time than him.”

“How long?” Alex asked, glancing over at her in the passenger seat. Casey was so forthcoming with information- well, yes, Alex had asked, but…

“Since my sophomore year of high school,” Casey answered, “There was this fight involving one of my little brothers and I- well, that's beside the point. Regardless, the coach took me aside the next day, said he’d never seen someone swing like that, and asked me to try out. I did, and that was that.”

Alex let out an exhale that felt like a soft laugh, so Casey quipped in response, “Have you ever played any sports?”

“Fencing,” Alex offered, “and equestrian, for a little.”

“Equestrian?” Casey perked up, “Wow, that's amazing. I’ve always wanted to try riding a horse.”

“I didn't really enjoy it much-” Alex looked over again, and she realized that was a mistake, because Casey was looking at her with such interest in her eyes that Alex felt as though she needed to run for the hills. “I- I… it just wasn't for me.”

“Why not? If I can ask.”

“My instructors had to scold me constantly for being too stiff,” Alex murmured, trying to make it sound lighthearted despite to some degree admitting the biggest self-struggle she had, “when you're on a horse, the horse has to be an extension of you, the same way when you hold a bat- actually, I’m not entirely sure of that, I’ve never played a ball-sport, but- when the muscles of the horse move, you need to adapt and move with it. Otherwise, the horse becomes vexed.”

“So young Alexandra was just being a vex to horses?” Casey chuckled, and Alex tilted her head at the jest.

“But if you tell anyone, they’d never believe you.”

“Oh trust me,” Casey snorted, “I’m not about to let other people know about baby Alex being a thorn in some training horse’s side. That’s something only I get to know.”

“Hey. You just used the adjective ‘young’, and now ‘baby’- am I regressing? And I was more a pain in their back rather than side, unless I very immensely misunderstood where you're supposed to ride horses.”

In reality, the small thrum in her heart that she now associated with the younger attorney was very pleased with the information Casey apparently felt territorial on information regarding her. She couldn't describe to herself why that made her happy, but it did.

“Sigh. ADAs and their technicalities,” Casey shook her head, “and no, I could never accuse you of regression. You only ascend.”

“Good. Quick study, Casey.” Alex purred, the words a bit too soft and a bit too smooth, although she hadn't really thought about it that way until she saw Casey shift and decided she was very pleased she had said it.

It was Casey’s turn to fall into a blushed silence, her eyes fixing suddenly very straight on the road, as if she had never seen New York City before. Alex felt victorious, and she basked in that feeling.

They arrived at the softball field shortly, and as soon as they pulled over in the dirt parking lot and Casey stepped out of the vehicle with her duffel she was essentially jumped by a collection of random people Alex believed she probably had seen previously in the DA’s office- other ADAs, a couple interns. They surrounded Casey eagerly, spouting game talk- apparently feeding Alex cake had delayed her arrival, and she was the last one, so they had been waiting for it. The copper-headed woman gave her an apologetic wave over the shoulder as she was yanked off, and Alex felt uncomfortable. She tried not to feel as though she had just been shunned. If she had spent less time in her intern years sucking up and networking with her uncle and her uncle’s friends, perhaps she would know some of them. Her career was jump-started, she did not have the bond the others seemed to share of watching each other pull themselves up the ladder- despite knowing logically some of them must have also come from nepotism, at least to some degree.

The softball field was fenced in by wired mesh, and ‘softball field’ was really the only way she could describe it, because it was nothing else. There were a couple of bleachers that reminded her of a cheap high school movie- her school had definitely never had anything like that- but otherwise, it was just a meshed-in square in the middle of a flat field, with a large brick box-like building on the side. She spotted Munch already seated on said bleacher, though, and although she didn't know him as well as she knew Olivia, who her mind had been looking for initially, she wandered over.

“Hey,” he greeted her on arrival, motioning to the place next to him, which she tentatively sat down on after her eyes skimmed it to ensure there wasn't a layer of filth (there was, but she ignored it) “Liv's trying to hype up Elliot. He really wants to get Casey back for the last match.”

“What happened in the last match?” Alex muttered, not especially interested but aware she was required to continue the conversation, inspecting the floor of the bleachers for a place to put her purse. She decided directly beneath her was probably the cleanest.

“She- well, nothing exactly. She’s just ridiculously good. Not many of the DA team have her skill, but so long as she’s there she continuously wipes the floor with ‘em. MVP, easy.”

Munch turns to her, almost accusingly. “Oh, you're rooting for that team, aren't you?”

Alex considered that for a moment, then, “I’m rooting for Casey.”

“But, team-wise, you're on our side?”

“I’m just rooting for Casey.”

Well, we had the whole gay talk in the squad room earlier, so-”

“Careful,” Alex chided, cutting him off with a harsh look in her marble blue eyes, “your boyfriend is here.”

Munch looked over with confusion, then saw Tutuola walking towards them, and shot Alex back a glare through his dark glasses. As if on cue, Olivia materialized and plopped herself down next to Alex, handing her a flask and wiping her mouth with the back of her palm indicative of the fact she had just taken a swallow. “El has been given the best pep talk I physically know how to give. If he doesn't win, I’m done showing up to these.”

“Alex is rooting for the enemy while drinking our alcohol,” John fired, but Alex turned to him and, apparently intimidated, he visibly backed off. Olivia just laughed.

Alex took a swig from Olivia’s flask, grimacing at the feeling of vodka burning down her throat, but she took a second swig almost immediately. She already felt uncomfortable, skin prickling and writhing, and being drunk would make it better.

The game began with little issue, and Casey had meant it when she said it wasn't a real tournament so much so as a large group of very competitive friends being cheered on by a large group of friendly drinkers.

She was bored until Casey took the batter’s stand. Alex had absolutely no clue how softball was played, but Casey looked perfect.

It was probably the alcohol talking. Between her and Olivia, they had made quick work of the flask, Liv because she had started to become anxious on Stabler’s behalf, and Alex because she was double-thinking her decision to show up. But if she hadn't shown up, she never would've gone to Casey’s, she never would've gotten that cake and she never would've seen the younger woman's reaction to being told she was good.

And God, Casey was good. Alex watched her sprint, the way she swung so relaxed but so intentionally, completely in her element. It was dark other than the stadium lights, which definitely were not up to standard, but when Alex caught a glimpse of Casey's eyes she could see very clearly the glint of fierce determination.

John Munch had been very correct that the DA’s team- Casey’s teammates, were not comparable to the copper-blonde’s skill. But to that matter, neither were most of the detectives. Alex noted the reality in the way that Stabler swung as if he was trying to hook something instead of swinging a bat- Casey was right- but he still did fairly well.

Not well enough to keep up with Casey.

Every time she hit the ball with a heavy ‘thwack’ that reverberated in Alex’s spine, every time she started darting, long legs stretching out to slide the last meter, the furrow in her brow, the light reflecting off her hair. Alex felt positively dizzy. That last part could very well be from Olivia’s vodka- or so she reminded herself.

She had tied her hair into a bun- Alex mused to herself it was unnecessary for her to have straightened it, then- but it bounced as she walked up to take- no, own the stand. Her lips were pressed into that thin line she made when she was concentrating in the courtroom and was similarly undeniably attractive here, except the corners of her mouth tugged up in a fierce smile. Her movements were fluid and Alex decided that if she would've done well in equestrian, with the way she moved- her intensity was elegant, her movements as refined as a swimmer’s. Alex felt her chest tighten and her heart pounding as she watched, feeling almost greedy for more sight of Casey.

Other than her, she was displeased with essentially everything else. The people next to her were becoming progressively more drunk and more rowdy, cheering and applauding and calling out encouragement or jests to active players, who would yell incoherently back at them. The bleachers had grit stuck in the groves in the aluminum and she mused to herself she’d need to get the pants she was wearing cleaned.

The game simultaneously lasted fucking forever and was much faster than Alex thought it would be. Casey's team won, so Alex had to deal with Olivia huffing and chastising the DA’s team next to her and John giving her a very pointed look, competitive in the way of the observer, that she returned coldly.

Casey didn't come around until the detectives were almost ready to go. Stabler had returned, clenching his jaw after trying to convince a couple people to do some more practice runs with him, and Olivia bolted to her feet to sympathetically pat him on the shoulder. Alex, after a fraction of a second, rose too, and followed. “I don't get how she does that,” He kept grumbling, and Alex had to agree- but her opinion of that was different.

Alex watched out of the corner of her eye as Casey bounced around- literally bounced around, some of the younger interns were literally jumping with the adrenaline and Casey was mimicking it for their benefit- and they hugged each other tight around the shoulders, fluid motions and hearty laughs, until their noses and cheeks were tinted pink with breathlessness. Casey was here celebrating a win- a double win, now- but apparently, some other girl on the team had just lost a major suit according to someone Alex had overheard on the bleachers and the DA’s team was clearly playing on the enthusiasm and adrenaline to cheer her up. Alex watched as Casey grabbed the other lawyer in a tight hug, then pressed a kiss to her cheek, and her stomach fluttered and she looked away very quickly. She hoped no one noticed.

She looked back in time, though, to see Casey shaking the woman off her arm, and that settled the unease in her bones quickly. The other woman held her hand for as long as possible, looking at her with eyes akin to a lost puppy, but Casey only flashed her a bright smile and kept walking, letting her arm fall loosely over to her side as she walked away. She quickened her pace of exit when she saw Alex looking in her direction, jogging over.

“So, Alex?”

“So yourself. You were fantastic.” Alex chimed, and even though Casey was sweaty and was coated in dirt from the floor of the field she extended an arm to give her a half-hug and Casey took it, resting her head on Alex’s shoulder for a moment before letting go.

The others in the group shared similar observations, albeit half-heartedly, while Casey just grinned apologetically at Stabler who stood staring at her blankly. After a moment, the two exchanged a very informal fist bump, and tension eased from Elliot’s broad shoulders.

They chatter about the game for a while, recounting moments of note or teammates that were new or actions that were game-changing, until it was randomly noticed they were the last ones outside, the other legal system workers apparently having moved on to their own after-party that Alex noted Casey apparently had turned down and the other detectives had sullenly collected belongings and dipped.

“So, McMullen’s?” Stabler muttered, “I could use a beer after all this.”

“That's the one all the way near the precinct,” Munch argued, but Alex interjected with, “Let's do it.” That place was familiar- she had grown accustomed to it, and selfishly it was also very close to her apartment. John was left alone in his argument and they all nodded, separating towards cars with the knowledge they’d meet up shortly.

“You may have to drive,” Alex murmured, “I’m above the legal limit. That okay?”

“I get to drive your fancy-ass car? Hell yeah!” Casey cheered, “That's a reward on its own. Come with me, though, I have to grab my things.”

There was a small building off to the side, big enough to serve its only purpose as being a locker room. There were two doors and no windows, effectively a brick block that had no aesthetical component at all, and the lights flickered on as Casey went into one of the doors and hit the light. It kept flickering, though.

Alex stood in the doorway for a second, wrinkling her nose at the smell of very heavy spray deodorant and sweat, but Casey was talking to her, so it felt rude to let the door close separating the two, and after a second Alex stepped in behind her and tugged the metal door closed behind her.

“Did you mean it, though? That in the fourth inning I-”

“Yes, Casey,” Alex interrupted her, “you played very well. I don't say things I don't genuinely stand behind.”

It was rather endearing that Casey wanted her verbal approval, despite the fact Alex was completely aware Casey knew she had played well. She had been getting a stream of compliments and attention from her peers. It made Alex salivate that Casey had chosen to ditch the girl who had reminded her of a dog to talk to her instead. Maybe that was the alcohol talking. Maybe she should keep reminding herself that it was the alcohol talking.

“Hold on- look away, I’m going to change really quickly, and then we can get going.”

Alex felt her cheeks grow warm but she obediently turned on her heel to face the metal door, hearing the tug of a zipper as Casey stripped off her pants, then the rustling of fabric as her shirt came off, and Alex ground her teeth against each other trying not to imagine what was directly behind her. Casey sighed deeply, and Alex bit into her cheek.

She stayed like that, staring bolts of lightning into the door, until she felt Casey tap her shoulder, relinquishing her of the obligation. “Alright. Car keys, counselor?”

Alex pawed them over from her pocket wordlessly and Casey offered her a confused smile but did not press the issue, letting herself out of the locker room and heading towards the car.

She had changed into a white polo shirt, the top two buttons missing to dip and show her distinct collarbones, the cut of the sleeves emphasizing the subtle but firm muscles of her forearms. Beneath it, she carried dark jeans with a leather belt. She hadn't removed her hair from the bun, even though several strands of hair had fallen out near the front, and Alex tried to fixate on the shape of said bun on the back of her head while following her towards her own car.

Her internal monologue was failing to come up with reasons why she shouldn't be allowed to touch Casey's shoulders just a little bit. She could see the groves of muscle through the polo shirt- a little bit, right? Just a little bit?

Alex turned the music up in the car when Casey put it back on so she wouldn't need to make shaky conversation, and Casey seemed content enough with that. The duffel bag had been discarded in the back, Alex now in the passenger with Casey in the driver.

“You seem happy,” Casey commented finally during a lapse in the music- a long outro, or a long intro- and Alex just smiled slyly back at her. She was.

The bar was wonderfully familiar. Alex followed Casey to the booth in the back, the one their group always frequented, and the others were already there, looking up from menus no one really needed because they'd been there so many times everyone already had a signature.

Alex ended in between Olivia and Casey, the brunette on her left towards the wall, and Casey in the gap between her and the end of the couch. Casey struggled slightly- the booth wasn't large enough to accommodate a group of six people, but Alex was more than happy that it forced Casey to try to curve into her side. She didn't move over, didn't try to shove herself against Olivia to make more room for the redhead. With one leg crossed over the other and her shoulder firmly on Alex's, though, Casey made due.

They chirp orders to a bartender who wanders over, Alex graciously agreeing to carry this first round as she had earlier mentioned. Stabler ordered a beer more expensive than the type he normally drank, and Casey shot him a pointed look. He looked mildly apologetic, and Casey rolled her eyes.

John and Fin quickly began chattering about things below Alex’s pay grade, so she turned her attention towards Olivia and Elliot, who were discussing an upcoming event at Stabler’s children’s high school- a fundraiser, or some other such thing- and Casey listened eagerly. Alex stayed mostly quiet, unaware of how to participate in a conversation about public schools and children.

Besides, she had a much larger problem to attend to.

Casey's arm had snuck around her waist and was currently resting on the slight ridge of her hip.

Logically, she could reason that it was because she was intentionally making it more difficult for Casey to sit comfortably, the younger attorney still awkwardly very close to the edge of the faux-leather booth, but still. Her thumb was resting directly on the iliac crest, and if Alex paid close attention it was almost as if Casey was moving it, the rest of her fingers snaking just below it, grasping at the fabric of Alex’s pants. Maybe this was her punishment for enjoying forcing Casey to wriggle and balance on the very end of the seat.

She opened her mouth to join the conversation, but Casey, as though experimenting, ran her thumb in a line across the jut of her hip bone and Alex stiffened on impulse. As soon as Casey felt her spine tense like that, she hastily let go. Alex wished she could ask her to leave her hand there, though.

Why are you thinking like that, she internally chastised herself, Alex, you don't- you said you wouldn't try to do anything with… but she’s pursuing you, now, isn't she?

“Yes, Alex?” Olivia asked with a note of confusion, and she realized she had made to speak and then lost herself in thought. She didn't really remember what she was going to say, though. Her jaw was still open, but she just snapped it shut and shook her head quickly with a ‘never mind’.

Casey's hand did not return for the rest of the hour or so spent chatting at the bar, despite Alex’s struggling attempts at manifesting. She was uncomfortable, now, not because of Casey, but because of Casey's absence. She was pressed so close to her side but somehow it felt as though Alex had messed up, prematurely rejected her, and that something would shift in the dynamic now. The itch and ache behind her skin got progressively worse as she tried to mask her anxiety behind the mask, when really all she wanted to do was talk to Casey. The copper-headed woman’s conversations always included either Olivia or Stabler or Munch, though, and there was never a moment in which Alex could separate her off to start a banter or a hushed conversation between the two of them alone. So, mostly, Alex just sat there, watching her coworkers indulge in the moment while feeling isolated and cold. Her spine was not able to relax after Casey’s hand had left.

She started to feel sick with the rigidness of her body. She wanted to peel it off.

“You seem distracted,” Casey murmured lightly, her breath warm over the side of Alex’s face, her mouth precariously close as she leaned her face towards the side of Alex’s jaw, speaking into her ear. Alex hadn't even realized she had moved.

She steeled her eyes and turned to stare at Casey coldly, almost as if trying to scare her off, a habit she regretted the second she realized what she was doing- I won't let you get this close, I'm warning you- it said, but Casey simultaneously picked up on it, picked up on her regret, and simply grinned at her. She seemed pleased, even, that she was eliciting a response. Alex fumed inside of her mind at the amount of control the redhead had attained over her in the span of a night that wasn't even over yet.

“I’m fine.” Alex said in a hushed whisper, “Just- just drunk.”

Casey provided a low hum in the back of her throat, placing her jaw on Alex’s shoulder, blinking up at her through slightly narrowed eyes.

“Aren't you, Casey?”

“I assumed I’d be driving. I had a beer, but that was around an hour ago, now.”

“Oh.” Alex shifted, her face heating up slightly, “You're taking me home?”

“Do you not want me to do that?”

“I- but, how would you get home from mine? I don't- I can't really give you my car-”

“I can walk from yours,” Casey responded easily, to which Alex shook her head quickly.

“God, Casey, I’m not letting you walk home alone in the middle of the night, just-”

“Are you two planning on leaving soon?” Olivia interrupted loudly, who had drunk a bit more than both of them and seemed irritated in the way drunk people were. “I cannot wait to get away from this guy here,” the brunette sighed, jabbing a thumb at Stabler, who stared at her incredulously. Like Casey, he had also refrained from drinking so he could drop Olivia and John off.

“Olivia, I’m driving you home, and I stand by what I said.”

“But that doesn't even make sense!” She scolded him, “Why is the plural of mouse mice and the plural of goose geese and the plural form of moose still moose? Who the hell has ever said ‘Oh yes, what a lovely pack of moose there in the distance’-”

“Liv, I didn't say it didn't make sense, I just said it wasn't relevant-”

“Excuse you. This is very relevant to my day-to-day life.”

They blinked at each other for a long, slow moment, and Alex decided she did in fact need to get away from them. But, as she reached for her purse to drop what she owed, shame bloomed suddenly in her heart. Fuck.

She groaned quietly, her index extending automatically to rub the base of her glabella, tilting her head backward and squeezing her eyes shut with frustration and also an unwillingness to share what she definitely needed to.

Her discontent at her mistake triggered something else in her stomach, and she felt the familiar sensation of everything inside of her moving uncomfortably, skin aching and turning. She felt like she was about to be scolded by her father- or worse, her uncle- for lacking composure, for forgetting to keep track of every minor detail and interaction held.

It was important to be on top of everything constantly- no, it was necessary. She needed to. It was drilled into her as much as her skin was part of her anatomy, and regardless of how stressed it made her, she needed it compulsively.

She wanted to be someone else, and now she'd have to pay the price for it.

“Alex?” Casey’s voice sounded mildly concerned, and Alex tried her best to hide the embarrassment in her voice when she turned to the redhead and conspiratorially muttered, “I forgot my purse.”

She knew exactly where it was- well, unless it had been stolen since then, but she knew where she had left it. Putting it directly beneath her on the aluminum bleachers of the softball field had not been a wise choice given the principle of ‘out of sight, out of mind' and her lusting after Casey and Casey’s ridiculously attractive shoulders had not helped to remind her to grab it before they left.

Luckily she always kept three hundred dollar bills in her phone case in case of an emergency, so she popped it open and removed one to cover the table, waving off the others who tried to offer her change and similarly dismissing people offering to cover her drinks the next time the group joined at a bar.

“Well, we’ll just go back for it, then.” Casey replied smoothly, and Alex thanked the heavens Casey had not taken this as an opportunity to try to tease her, because Alex genuinely would've gotten mad if she had.

“But that's- that's half an hour each way,” Alex sighed, “and I’ve had too much to drive, but I don't want to ask you too-”

“Extra time with you? I can't complain. Come, now.” Casey grinned, swiping at her shoulder gently the way she had with Elliot earlier, and Alex couldn't help but crack a weak smile and follow her and she made her way out of the bar, waving goodbyes to the others.

“I meant it, though,” Casey starts once they're outside of the building, “you did seem distant back there. Is everything… alright?”

“I-” Alex started without meaning to, clamping her jaw shut and watching Casey unlock her car so they could both climb in, Casey placing the duffel in the back again as prior.

She watched the younger attorney raise an eyebrow inquisitively, which she responded to with a loose sigh.

“Nothing.” She said blankly, and listened as Casey echoed her sigh.

Alex could see the gears churning in Casey's head as they both clambered into Alex’s Cadillac, Casey’s eyes roving over the interior with awe once more. The copper-headed woman wasn't verbally pushing her to explain her issue but Alex wasn't stupid enough to think Casey would let it drop. She briefly worried that Casey thought it was her fault, but if she did, maybe she wouldn't provoke an explanation, and Alex was okay with that. She didn't feel like she wanted to verbalize this discomfort with Casey.

This car drive was again quiet, but not because Alex was in a state of drunken content, but rather because Alex was fighting personal demons and Casey was trying very hard to run through every possible list of what could've upset the older attorney.

“It was just one of my mulberry set, so it doesn't matter that much if it's actually missing or if someone stole it.” Alex said finally, to fill the void of silence.

Casey squinted at her, trying to figure out if that was sarcasm, but it didn't seem to be.

“I’m not going to grant that a response,” she said finally. “You rich kids are something else.”

Alex thinned her lips into a straight line but didn't respond. Casey was right, of course, they had very different upbringings. That's why Casey's skin suited her body, and Alex’s was constantly irritating her.

Neither attorney tried to fill the void of silence after that, not even with music, Alex staring blankly out of the side window while Casey focused on the dark road in front of her. Alex had moved on from her demons to anxiously smoothing her thumb in little patterns on her wrist, very uncomfortable without a distinct reason. This wasn't really about the purse, to put it plainly.

After what felt like an eternity, Casey pulled over, and Alex stumbled out of the car. The place was utterly devoid of people, although the lights were still on for some reason, and it wasn't hard to spot the dot of her bag in the distance even with her glasses. There was a light behind the bleachers that illuminated the spaces between plates of metal and she could make out a shape that blocked out the light exactly where she had been sitting. Without checking to see if Casey was following, she set out, wincing at the feeling of gravel and damp dirt beneath her shoes.

She had picked up her purse and slung it over her shoulder before she registered Casey’s presence again, behind her, and the attorney's voice was soft as she spoke.

“Put it back down, Alex, play ball with me.”

Alex froze.

“What?”

“Play ball with me,” Casey echoed, and when Alex turned around the copperhead was simply tossing the softball up and down in one hand without even looking at it. Casey’s eyes were instead fixated intently on her.

Alex shrugged her purse strap tighter to her side as if it were a life raft of sorts. “I don't play sports, Casey-” she tried, but Casey just shook her head slightly, the bun that had slowly been coming out over the duration of the evening bouncing along with the rotation of her head.

“Just catch it,” Casey soothed, “and if you really hate it we’ll go back to the car. Put your purse down- come off the bleachers, come over here.”

It was hard to disobey when Casey sounded so direct, so after a moment of hesitation and a minor internal thrashing Alex set her bag down once more and stepped off the bleachers, onto the grass where Casey was. She knew her face must be exerting a twisted, concerned expression, but although Casey’s eyes were soft they were also immensely firm. Determined.

“I don't know… how to catch a ball.” Alex said lamely, holding her hands out stiffly in front of her. She was rewarded for her confession with Casey’s chuckle.

“Don't think about it,” Casey said, “just focus on me. You’ll catch it.”

The redhead paused her casual toss-catch rhythm, cupping the ball in her palm and letting her arm hang down by her side. She smiled reassuringly at Alex, who hadn't felt nervous like this since grade school.

“You've been doing fine focusing on me tonight,” Casey teased, after Alex hadn't answered, and Alex flushed, “so- should be doable. Ready?”

Alex wanted to curl into a ball and hide, honestly, so no, she wasn't ready. Straight spine, stiff shoulders, her head feeling like it was propped up on a pedestal rather than a neck. Her hands still were held loosely in front of her, as though someone was passing her a wine glass to nurse rather than a ball to catch, and her feet were right beside each other in the ‘natural’ resting position for her- which had been very unnaturally taught, and then forced, until young Alex did not automatically stand any other way. Casey’s brow quirked as if this was amusing to her.

The blonde’s brow furrowed in anxious concentration, and she took a quick breath, trying to focus on Casey as the redhead had so advised. And despite her teasing tone, she had been right, it was easy for Alex to focus on her.

It was really dark out, now, so Alex could only see the parts of Casey that were illuminated by the overhead beam, but it was angled in a way that she could still see most of her. Casey’s eyes were teasing but attentive, and her posture was entirely relaxed. She didn't look like she had when she was actually playing, which relieved Alex immensely.

When Casey had been playing, she had seemed athletic and agile, with muscles that rippled under her skin the way that a leopard’s might as it pounced. Now, more similarly to her courtroom appearances, her arms had relaxed back into how they normally appeared- although they always looked wonderfully lean- only slightly more built than the average woman’s. Her fingers were lithe as they wrapped around the softball she held, a degree of comfort interacting with the object that read easily as years of experience. Alex tried not to note the details of how the white polo shirt clung and accentuated her bust, or the curve of her waist. Casey’s stance- leaning slightly, more weight on one leg than the other casually, did not help Alex scrape her eyes off of her figure. She felt herself relax, slightly, drawn in by the details of the other woman’s form. She supposed it was easy to stop paying so much attention to herself and everything that was right or wrong in herself and her posture when she was given permission to study someone as- well, frankly, hot- as Casey.

“I’m ready,” Alex said after a long pause, running her tongue over her dry bottom lip to ease the nerves. She wasn't sure what prompted her to say it.

Casey eased her arm in a low arc, passing it once, then twice, the arc getting larger each time, before curling her fingers around the ball as she let it go in a firm underhand toss. Trained as she was, it flew in a bow formation, slow and controlled as it made its way directly towards Alex, who caught it instinctively, trapping it between her two palms.

She looked up at Casey with eyes as concerned as if she was carrying a grenade, and Casey laughed, her hands on her knees, evidently pleased.

“Good! Go on, throw it back to me.”

Alex’s nose scrunched up with focus as she tried to recreate the same motion Casey had done, her limbs feeling weird and disjointed, stiff and loose, unlike the fluid motion Casey had produced. But regardless, she threw it.

Casey catching it was entirely due to the redhead’s own ability, because unlike when Alex had caught it due to Casey’s precise aim, Alex had no clue how to direct the ball properly, and it fell short by about a meter, which was anticipated the second the ball left her hand by Casey who scrambled to get it, achieving the fear with only a mild degree of difficulty.

“You did it!” She cheered, bouncing with excitement the way she had when she had won the softball match hours prior, and Alex couldn't help but acknowledge her enthusiasm as very infectious. A small, genuine yet shy smile played on her lips and Casey darted backward again, taking her stance to throw it once more, which Alex did not move to protest.

Unlike last time, when Alex had caught it very close to her chest, the blonde with some degree of determination reached her arms slightly higher, managing to catch it while it was still in the air above her. She still used both hands, but it was a stark degree of progress.

Alex's face split open into a grin of genuine emotion, now, a smile that awkwardly expressed the strange pride she felt at managing the relatively very simple task, and without hesitation she threw it back to Casey, using enough force this time- correcting her precious mistake- so the ball was easily once again resting in Casey's hand.

“Look at you go,” Casey beamed, the corners of her eyes angling with the intensity of the smile she flashed Alex with, “now, this one’s harder, okay?”

This time, Casey threw it overhead, albeit still much gentler than she normally would. Her previous throws were meant to land directly at Alex’s stand, but this one aimed for a foot or so behind her. The blonde, however, had seemingly gained enough understanding of the ball’s arch to realize, hastily taking a few steps backward to once again encase it.

Alex mused to herself that she felt as though she was getting the hang of this, so she returned the ball once more, still using underhand, watching as Casey bounced backward twice to give them more distance. She threw it, and Alex realized it was flying too far to the side, and she scrambled in that direction, bending down strangely but managing to catch the softball before it hit the floor.

She looked up with a very sheepish expression, but was rewarded with the sight of Casey smiling as if it were Christmas morning, and she relaxed, standing up. Casey had apparently taken a few more long strides backwards, away from her.

“I can't throw that far, come closer.” She called, but Casey shook her head.

“You can make it to me- try out throwing overhead.” Casey urged, “And if it falls short, I’ll run and get it anyway.”

Alex stood, awkwardly still for a long second, staring at Casey, who just kept her bright smile. After a second, she glanced at the ball in her hand, and, mimicking Casey’s movement once again, extended one arm behind her slightly, rotating her torso, and then shot it forward, leaning forward into her swing.

Although she stumbled, looking up prematurely to see if the throw would arc the way she had wanted it to, it did fly almost all the way to the other attorney, who easily lifted a singular hand to catch it in her palm.

This time, Casey did not wait for Alex to recompose before swinging- and she did it differently, this time, lifting a leg to fire the ball at her the way she had during softball except with a bit less force. Enough force, though, that although Alex again scrambled for it, the softball flew too far to the side and the blonde woman ended up on her knees in the shortly clipped grass. She turned her head to stare indignantly at her companion, who just poked the tip of her tongue out of her mouth nonchalantly and motioned for Alex to go fetch.

She would never do anything so.. unpretentious. However, with Casey patiently grinning at her, Alex sighed, standing, brushing off her knees quickly, and then briskly pacing to retrieve the ball, which had landed only a few meters to her side.

“Are we done, counselor?” Novak called from her place a ways away, and Alex raised her eyebrow at the other woman incredulously.

“After that?” She scoffed, and threw the ball again more forcefully, purposely not really aiming at Casey who thus had to hasten towards it, reading its path but still needing to scurry multiple meters, catching it but only just barely. Alex refused to note how elegant the motion was, despite how awkward it really should've seemed.

Alex did not have the time to further study Casey’s elegance because the redhead was already firing back at her, one leg raised high at the knee as prior, and that only really made her understand how attractive Casey’s legs were- her undivided attention to the attorney’s arms had made her miss out on something else equally appealing.

This time Casey was gracious enough to aim at her once more, and Alex caught it, each grab easier than the previous.

They repeated this exchange, Casey’s throws were much smoother and intentional, except she kept occasionally throwing slightly higher or lower or to either side to force Alex to move herself. Alex occasionally missed her grab or not being able to close the distance in time, which only fueled her play intensity when she returned the ball. Alex’s throws were mostly loose, but for the most part, they went far enough, and Casey was more than happy to scramble for them, ending up on her knees multiple times but never failing to catch it firmly.

Casey had started laughing, at some point, delighted to be playing no matter how bad her play partner was, and Alex hadn't even realized when her grin became permanent and her exhales started to sound like breathless giggles.

Eventually, Alex’s breathing started coming faster, and there was a thrum in her heart unrelated to Casey, and said woman realized the blonde was starting to get tired. She stopped the back and forth once the ball returned to her palm, choosing instead to jog over.

“Let's try something- hold this.” She murmured, tossing the ball into the air, which Alex now easily and casually managed to snag.

She reached over and adjusted Alex’s position, smooth hands gliding to shape the rotation of the older woman’s shoulders, lightly pressing to move her hips, gliding across her arms to rearrange the assortment of limbs.

She then turned to stand beside her, mirroring the posture she had just moved Alex into, looking at her with a sly grin. “Now, when you throw, I want you to curve like this-” she demonstrated, her motions causing the fabric to ruffle, her shirt rising up slightly at the hem to tease Alex with a thin strip of the woman’s abdomen, “and raise your leg like this, and then,-” she made a hushed whooshing sound, a cartoonist version of a ball being thrown.

Alex nodded obediently, starting to prepare herself before Casey shook her head quickly. “Give me a headstart- I go on two, and you go on zero. Okay?”

The blonde was now mildly confused on what Casey was attempting, but regardless nodded, frozen in the position Casey had sculpted.

“Five, four, three..” Casey counted down, slowly creeping her body down into a low lunge, “two-!” she bolted forward, and then Alex understood, mentally counting down the last two numbers before flinging the ball as hard as she physically was able to.

She was then content to straighten out, catching her breath, while watching Casey sprint after it. Her strides were so long and so light Alex wasn't sure she was even really touching the ground. With the movement, her ever-loosening bun snapped open, and auburn hair flowed as if cascading behind her, and Alex's breath caught still in her lungs.

Even though the ball did manage to outfly her sprint, she was damn near close when she dove for it, sliding on one knee to retrieve it, skidding to a halt a little ways away from where she had initially landed. She jumped up, shook herself off, and then jogged back, a breathless grin on her face.

“I thought I had it,” she panted, “I’ve always wanted to try doing that.”

The copper-headed woman proceeded to flop down on the grass, rolling so she was lying on her back looking up at Alex who was still breathing with a little more labor than she’d like to admit from their previous shenanigans. After a second, Alex carefully sat down next to her, near but not close enough to be on her loose hair by accident.

“You were very close,” Alex agreed, eyes never leaving Casey’s enthusiastic ones. “I didn't know people could be that fast.”

After a brief second, she reached out and rested her hand on the front of Casey’s shoulder, who blinked up at her. It was a reassurance that Alex’s earlier silence wasn't her fault, Alex tried to convey, that Casey had done nothing wrong and everything right.

Casey sat up to look at Alex more directly, but she raised a hand to keep Alex’s fingers resting on the flat of her chest and an inch below her collarbone. Her face was close to Alex’s leaning forward so boldly Alex almost thought to lean back.

“You look good like this,” She cooed so lightly it was almost smug, almost victorious, “you’re normally so rigid, so overtly mannered.”

It was then that Alex realized she had not registered anything of herself outside of trying to figure out how to position her arm to throw better for the past while.

Nothing had seemed to exist outside of Casey laughing gleefully across the field, bouncing from one foot to the other while waiting for her to launch her softball back to her- as much as Alex could launch it- and as soon as the ball had left her hands, the only thing she thought of was the sight of Casey running to snatch it midair, her hand itching to feel the leather again so she could try again, see if she could throw it farther, and more forcefully.

See if she could make Casey laugh harder, the giddy sound almost echoing in the night, filling the void and almost creepy vacant softball field with audio so genuine it made Alex’s heart flutter. See if she could elicit another called praise, or another witty comment from the woman she had been eyeing so intently.

Her limbs and joints felt loose but connected, blood racing through her veins happily as if finally allowed to dart around her body, resurfacing energy and releasing dopamine in a way she hadn't felt in what must now be years. Her bones felt as light as a bird’s, and her skin was so enthusiastic at the play it nestled onto her body like a puzzle piece that finally clicked into place, and even now that she was finished, it felt like her own. For once, Alex had earned the right to feel comfortable in her own skin.

She hadn't cared to ponder what she must look like, in a blouse layered by a sweater in a field with her glasses, tripping over herself to try to play ball with a woman who could pass as a semi-professional athlete. Her chest must be heaving in an effort to catch her breath, her lungs entirely unused to anything more strenuous than stairs, her legs long but her ability to use them only equivalent to a fawn’s. But whenever she had caught Casey's playful eyes, they looked at her like her stumbling self was a million bucks, and that was enough for her.

This was enough for her. Her goal for the night had been realized in full.

“What are you thinking about, counselor?” Casey breathed, and Alex realized she had leaned even closer, dark green eyes searching her’s as if she could read words in Alex’s pupils.

Alex almost thought she was assuming something until she caught the microaction of Casey’s eyes darting to her lips, before glancing up a fraction of a second later with a hint of shyness in her expression- something Alex had never seen, but certainly wasn't complaining about- and Alex was more than happy to indulge her, seeing as how Casey had spent the last hour trying to ensure Alex could ease some of the rigidness from her soul.

She left the hand Casey had touched on her collar, but brought her other hand up to cradle the back of the redhead’s skull, closing the small gap between their faces, and pressing her lips gently against the other woman’s.

Casey let out a small, whimpered sound, and Alex tried to let her go, only to be tugged back with ferocious intensity.

The younger woman pushed her into a more structured sitting position, one leg swinging over Alex’s lap to straddle her hips, Casey’s hands cupping the sides of Alex’s neck, one thumb on her jaw. Her lips were so soft, but so exhilarating, Alex felt as though she could melt, Casey pulling them apart every couple seconds just to come back closer a second later. Due to the nature of their position, Alex had to crane her neck to angle her face up at her, the column of her throat exposed, and Casey was clearly thrilled, her hands exploring her jaw and below it, soft touches that felt rather greedy.

Alex was finally able to take what she had been fantasizing about- when Casey pulled them apart for a second, panting for breath much harsher than she ever had while exercising, she untangled her hand from the auburn locks she had grasped and ran her hand instead down Casey’s shoulder blade, reveling in the feeling of the soft muscles and the small noise Casey made when she did so, catching the woman’s mouth once more to swallow the sounds she made as her hands both moved to smooth over Casey’s biceps, her triceps, her forearms, and then back up again.

“Alex,” Casey breathed into her mouth, before Alex shifted, pressing her back into her lips, to which Casey had no protest. The copper-headed woman’s hands stopped so much exploring as they did holding for support, and Alex mused to herself- the first coherent thought to break through the haze of bliss she had found herself in- that Casey must have thought she’d be the one to have the other squirming. The thought amused her, and only compelled her to continue feeling her up.

“Alex-,” Casey was whining now, Alex’s hand slipping behind her lithe figure to her shoulder blades again, running her fingers down savoringly before turning her attention to her ribs, using her thumbs to brush against her breast only slightly before moving down her to waist, utterly enraptured.

Alex bucked her hips, startling Casey as the blonde pushed her off entirely, and then kept pushing, rolling them over until Casey was flat on her back, and Alex was over her, her knees buried hard into the dirt to keep her above in a way that would've made her quite upset at the grass stains they’d be sporting later had she not been so enchanted by the feeling of Casey moving, Casey’s muscles bunching and twitching as she moved against her.

“Oh,” Casey gasped, and Alex paused, raising her hands to either side of Casey’s head so she could smile down at the woman whose cheeks were so red they almost matched her hair.

Her blonde hair fell to frame Casey’s face, who breathlessly tried to push it out of the way so she could see the triumphant gleam in Alex’s eyes, and then Casey propped herself up on her elbows to land a soft kiss on Alex’s grinning lips.

The normally overtly composed woman broke into a giddy laugh, sitting up, before rolling to the side so she could lay next to Casey in the dark grass. Casey snorted lightly at the sound of it, rolling to the side so she could study Alex’s gorgeous side profile as the woman looked up to the dark night sky above them.

“I guess this solves the issue of us going to separate apartments with only one car,” Casey breathed, and that just made Alex laugh harder, lulling her head to the side to meet Casey’s eyes and see her quiet smile.

All of Alex’s strings had been cut. Right now, she felt anything but stiff. Anything but rigid.

[walkingnearfoxes]

The Space Between the Lines (Homelander x Reader) - Chapter 3

1.7k words. 18+. Warnings for stalking and the Homelander being horny. She/Her Teacher Reader. 

There are a dozen teachers who would kill for this job. You’re just not sure that you’re one of them.

The Homelander had been watching you for weeks.

He didn't have much of a choice. He clearly couldn't trust Ashley and her merry band of mediocrity to pick an educator for Ryan. These "teachers" brought to him were either idiots, ugly as goddamn sin, or too busy shitting their pants at the sight of him to educate his son. One bald and sweaty winner was all three; he took care of that one. That dumbass wouldn't be teaching anyone any time soon.

Clearly, to ensure the best possible future for his son, the Homelander needed to step in. He looked at the curriculum. He re-mapped the lessons with wide-eyed instructional designers. He looked at the resumes. He burned the resumes. He asked Ashley whether she was picking these fuckers out of the sewers or the prisons.

And then, to her luck, she found you.

At first, he wasn't very impressed. You were young, first of all. Educated, sure. Cute, even. But young. Weren’t the best teachers supposed to be ancient? Set in their ways?

"She won an award for education, sir," Ashley had offered at his evident ambivalence. Your file was displayed across the screens of the conference room. The Homelander sat back in his usual chair, gloved fingers drumming at the arms.

He rolled his eyes. "Did she win by having a fucking pulse? Honestly, Ashley, after the zombies you sent me-"

But then she clicked on the video that came with your award profile. It showed a clip of one of your lessons - an introduction to the War of 1812 with a rambunctious group of middle schoolers. He would have fried them immediately, but you were the image of calm. 

It was the way you held yourself that caught his attention. You had energy, but you were always in control. You answered each question the little shits had for you concisely and even joked with one or two of them. When a student reached for the cell phone bulging in their jean pocket, your glare across the room was enough to stop them and give you a mumbled apology.

You cared. You cared deeply.

He stared at the screen for another minute, his gaze following you across the screen. Finally, he nodded. "Bring her in."

Ashley looked like she might just come from relief. "Absolutely, sir," She breathed and turned to the computer for all of two seconds before her dirt brain got distracted. "I-I should mention, she doesn't have a background in math or science-"

"Oh, boo hoo." The Homelander drawled as he stood. "Now we won't know how a plant fucks itself. Half that shit isn't real, Ashley. Just bring her in."

He didn't take part in the interviews. He had actual work to do and lives to save. The notes that Ashley gave him were all things he already knew. You were quick, intelligent, and wanted to make a difference. No shit. He didn't need an hour-long conversation to know that. He knew that keeping an eye on you was much better than any performance task. He did the actual work.

It was comical to him how little people paid attention. He was invisible to all the ants if he didn't want to be spotted. He easily flew from building to building, neighborhood to neighborhood, all to learn more about cute, unsuspecting little you. You weren’t hard to find; Vought had all of your information before you even applied.

His findings were boring as fuck at first. You had a small group of friends, you read all the fucking time, but you kept yourself in shape. He appreciated the last part, at least. But you weren’t as refreshing as he thought you would be from the teaching video. The only thing that slightly caught his curiosity was the mysterious relationship to your family. Your mother called about twice a week - sometimes more. From his x-ray vision and superior hearing through the ancient walls of your apartment, he learned enough to know your family didn't live far away, but you made no effort to visit them. Every time your mother called, he saw your lips thin and your eyes narrow. You usually were doing something else while speaking to her - browsing the Internet, pacing the living room, even punching a pillow. Why, he wondered? Maybe mommy and daddy were neglectful of you. A favored sibling, maybe? Drugs? There are limitless possibilities, but you never spoke about it to anyone. Was it a minor issue then, or were you so selfless that you didn't want to bother anyone with your problems? His mind drifted to the matter more than once. He didn’t quite comprehend what would make someone distance themselves from their blood when it was so close at hand.

Then, there was the run.

You very stupidly liked to go for runs at night. Alone. With headphones on. It was like you were asking to be gutted. Sure enough, only about two weeks into his watch, a mindless oaf of a man found you at a stoplight. From his standing perch on a nearby rooftop, his body cloaked in shadow, the Homelander rolled his eyes. 

Was he going to have to save you already? Christ.

But then, he noticed your movements. The man was to your back, but you had already turned off your music and lowered your headphones. You already knew he was there. 

"You lost, baby girl?" The man murmured, stopping a mere five inches from your back. "I can bring ya home and warm ya up..."

You turned to look at him, and the smile on your face - a grin full of teeth - wasn't polite. It was a warning. "I'm just fine, buddy. Now walk away."

The man bristled - he had a good foot of height on you and about three times the fucking body mass - but then your smile disappeared. The Homelander saw the way your eyes changed. There was something darker. Something he was intimately familiar with.

The man swallowed, stuffed his hands in his pockets, and shuffled backward. "Right. Sorry. Ma'am."

You watched him for a long moment, ensuring he truthfully intended to leave you alone. Once you were sure, the Homelander watched as you put your headphones back in and carried on as if nothing had happened.

Oh.

Oh.

You weren't just a cute little teacher. There was something else.

His lips twitched upwards in approval. There was another twitch down south, but that wasn't too surprising. He’d always admired strong women. He could take care of that later; the few “accidental” peaks of you in your shower had given him plenty of material.

So, he told Ashley to hire you and continued to keep an eye on you. It wasn't out of surveillance now; it was out of curiosity. He didn't see another glimpse of that side of you again, but that would come with time. You weren't perfect. Your clothes were boring, you couldn't nail down a signature scent, and he loathed your roommate.

But that look. He could do something with that look.

And so he sat and watched as you taught his son. He had to admit that you were good. Ryan was paying attention, and he was smiling. He was smiling a little too much - he certainly never smiled that much with him - but what was important was that he was learning. What was also important was that you were slowly becoming more at ease. You had stopped your adorably nervous glances at him about 20 minutes ago, and adrenaline had stopped obnoxiously pumping through your body. He could barely detect the scent anymore. 

You were explaining how the colonists had grown independent from Britain when Ryan's brows began furrowing.

You, the diligent educator that you are, notice right away. "What's up?"

"I'm...a little confused," Ryan admits.

You smile encouragingly. "Well, share with the class. It's my job to help with that."

Ryan points to his textbook. The Homelander can see from across the table that he's touching an image of a plantation. "You said George Washington had slaves?"

You hesitate, and your eyes move to glance at the Homelander. He says nothing, the same polite smile on his face. You look back to Ryan. "That's right."

Ryan's frown deepens. "He wanted the colonies to be free but he had slaves?"

Uh oh.

The Homelander laughs, and it's the first sound he's made this entire lesson. Ryan meets his eyes immediately, and you barely mask a flinch. "Whoa there, buddy," He says, standing up from his place at the table. "It's a little more complicated than that."

There's barely a beat after his words before you reply. "Yeah, their whole idea of freedom is a bit...convoluted."

The Homelander blinks and raises a brow. "What do you mean, teach?"

Your smile is polite, but your eyes are a bit less so. "I mean that Ryan is making a good point. It's a bit hypocritical."

He scoffs and steps forward, his hands moving to his hips. "Are you calling our founding father a hypocrite?"

There it is. There's that look in your eye. Without missing a beat, you nod your head. "Yes."

He hadn’t expected to see it again so soon - certainly not directed at him. But there it is.

There is a long silence interrupted only by Ryan's fingers anxiously tapping against the table. It's death to the Homelander's eardrums, but he doesn't care. He's staring at you, waiting for you to flinch or murmur an apology like all those other mudpeople did. You don't.

"Well, on that exciting note, I think we can call it for today," He announces, turning to give his son a warm smile. "Ryan, you earned yourself some Tournament of Heroes time."

Ryan turns to look at you - a decision that makes the Homelander's fists clench on his hips - and you smile back at the boy. "Same time tomorrow?"

Ryan smiles shyly back. "Yeah. Definitely." He stands up slowly, closes his notebook, and looks at his father. "Do you wanna come play, Dad?"

The Homelander grins. "Sure thing. You set up the VS5 and I'll be there in a jiff," But he looks back at you with a wink. "I just gotta have a word with Miss Benedict Arnold here before she rushes out on me."

The way your pulse skyrockets makes his heart sing.

[estcaligo]

Nobody: Me at 3 AM: Glorious Masquerade represents the confrontation between polytheistic and monotheistic worldviews

Or "The Big Three of Olympus vs One Christian God" in the Glorious Masquerade event

Content Warning: Greek Mythology, religion, Christianity, Glorious Masquerade event spoilers

Note: I talk about things in this post from a researcher's point of view, in a descriptive and comparative manner mostly. Just some observations.

I've already discussed a similar concept before - Idia, Jade, and Sebek representing Hades, Poseidon, and Zeus, the "Big Three" in Greek mythology, the most powerful and important gods of Olympus - during the Harveston event. See the post here.

However, in the Glorious Masquerade, the situation becomes even more peculiar because the SSR characters are dorm leaders - those who are in charge. And then there's Rollo, who is twisted from Frollo.

Note: I will consider all sources of inspiration for Rollo, including the book and the musical, which were confirmed by Yana herself to be inspirations for Rollo.

What? Why? Who?

3 vs 1. The Big Three of Greek Pantheon vs The One God, who embodies 3 in 1 - the Father, the Son and the Spirit.

The Big Three are the three most powerful gods among the Olympians - Zeus, Poseidon and Hades.

Zeus commands the sky, lightning, kingship and summon any weather conditions.

Poseidon manipulates water, storms and earthquakes.

Hades has dominion over the dead and undead, darkness, earth-related disasters, and metals and jewels.

*By the way, lightning was considered just Zeus throwing a temper tantrum, and what happened when Malleus got angry? Right, he started throwing  lightnings left and right.

And now we have Rollo. Twisted from Frollo, who, as we know was a religious man (especially in the book where he is a priest, not a minister).

And despite there being other characters, such as vice-president and the assistant, they aren't "real" or “important” characters like Rollo.

So we can say there is only one (1) main character in this event.

2. 7 Dorm Leaders vs 1 Head of the Council

As is well known, Ancient Greek mythology features many major gods, each controlling different aspects of life (or representing them, or serving as patrons). This makes Ancient Greek religion a polytheistic system - meaning it has multiple gods - akin to the Great Seven and the dorm system at NRC.

The Dorm Leader Council functions much like a small pantheon. Not to mention NRC is located on upper hills, which resembles a mountain (Olympus) if we look at the landscape of the Sage Island.

On the other hand, Christianity only has one God, making it monotheistic religion. There are multiple saints in Christianity, who are patrons of different aspects of life, however it is important to note that these saints do not control - they are more like the intercessors between man and God.

Even the NBC itself is focused on one Villain and has one statue in the yard, not the 7 (the "pantheon" of NRC). And NBC itself doesn't have Dorm system like NRC.

3. Oral vs Written

Greek religious tradition is primarily oral, with legends and stories passed down through generations by word of mouth.

In contrast, Christianity is predominantly a written religion, where the written canon holds great importance.

How is it important here?

Well, in this event specifically the NRC guys spend their time walking around and commenting on things. We learn some of their lore and thoughts on various topics through dialogue. Even Professor Trein reveals his past verbally telling about it. Naturally, it’s a game mechanism. But since we’re talking about such details….

On the other hand, the most important part of Rollo lore is found by the Big Three in written form - Rollo’s diary.  It's also noted how Rollo prefers writing above all else. He writes in his diary, sends letters, and drafts invitations. While this may not apply to the NBC in general, since we're focusing on Rollo, this detail is worth considering as well.

4. Our guys vs That One

Another difference between the two religions is that the Greek gods had flaws that made them more similar to humans. They had tempers and they often held grudges. This made the followers of the religion not want to be like them but, instead learn from them and their shortcomings, frequently through fear. 

In contrast to the flawed gods of Greek mythology, Jesus is portrayed as a man who is to be aspired to, more so than the Greek portrayal of a god; who the audience learns from (imitating in a way), rather than obeys.

Our NRC boys are someone we know and who we’re familiar with. We know their struggles and fears, their dark past. Even the guys in charge of each dorm - the Dorm Leaders - are not so distant from the regular students. Well, more of less.

Whereas Rollo is described by all the characters we’ve met at NBC (and even from his vignette) as someone who is amazing, excellent, wonderful and so…exemplementry. Rollo, at the same time, distances himself from everyone.

5. Vertical vs Horizontal

A small but interesting observation is that many monotheistic religions, including Christianity, often have a “vertical mindset” - symbolizing a relationship between the human and God.

In Christian cosmology, we often imagine a vertical world structure: Hell at the bottom, the human realm in the middle, and Heaven above.

In this event, we also experience vertical movement when things get serious. Initially, when it's peaceful and fun, we mostly walk around the town (mostly horizontal, not including the lower parts).

However, when the action begins, Rollo first sends us downward into the sewers. From there, we start moving upward. The ascent of the tower is highly symbolic, as we are literally ascending towards the sky where Rollo awaits us (with his “judgment”)

 6. Masks

The whole masquerade theme is, of course, a nod to the cartoon and part of the game feature to get the characters to dress up.

But let’s remember that in Ancient Greece, masks played a significant role in theater, particularly in tragedies and comedies (twst features elements of both). In general, it is known that masks represent hidden nature, transformation, and more. 

Interestingly, only our NRC squad wears masks and costumes. We even encountered some Royal Sword Academy students, but they were not given costumes (again, a game feature, but still noteworthy).

On the other hand, there's Rollo, who isn't wearing a mask or even a costume. He doesn’t need to. He is who he is, with no need to transform into something else, as he represents the One, in our comparison here. 

What's even more interesting is that, despite not wearing a physical mask, Rollo is the one with ulterior motives in this event, and we only learn his true face later on. He metaphorically takes the mask off, even though he never wore one in the literal sense.

7. Catholic Guilt

The last but not least - Rollo's punishment, which, perhaps is the most fitting and cruel outcome for him. Rollo, after being defeated, expects harsh punishment because he is ruthless with himself and assumes others will treat him the same way. He failed and he expects to be punished. However our Big Three surprise him by concealing the truth and allowing others (the NBC mobs were the first to thank him for his bravery at the tower) to believe that Rollo was a hero. This situation forces Rollo into a state of internal torment, where he must live with the guilt of his actions while being praised for something he didn't truly do.

Rollo's punishment is psychological, forcing him to confront his guilt and shame in isolation. They choose leave him one on one with his Sin.

On the contrast, in Ancient Greek mythology punishments were often cruel and involved physical pain. One of the most popular example would be of course the myth about Prometheus, which, by the way involved Zeus.

And the way Big Three dealt with Rollo was truly cruel in its own way.

(from an interesting article about Greek Gods and punishment - here)

Fin

I left out some obvious notes like Malleus having horns, Rollo hating on magic etc.

Naturally, there may be other details I haven’t mentioned, so feel free to add any additional insights!

[creatingblackcharacters]

not the same anon who asked about "pale" skin, but I've been considering the semantics of that issue as well - Ice, can you explain why and how precisely pale/blanched/ashen read different to Black people? I understand culture/society and language and how someone grew up have an influence on this, so I'm not expecting a universal answer, but I'm genuinely curious about the specific connotations attached

I can see why you take issue with the word "pale" in that ask, so I guess my question is more why does one specifically read worse than the other? as in what's the framework, what's the toolbox I'm working with as a writer? - how does blanche win over pale in this context when blanche is the French word for the colour white? how do pallid, deathly pallor, sallow-faced and wan factor into this, when they're all variations of a similar thing? so which ones get a pass in a metaphorical sense, are there any? how does context factor into picking the right words? (for the sake of an example: pale skin vs pale brown skin) and which words do Black readers want to see if not the above? is it best practice to default to what's actually going on (e.g. they're in shock, they're cold, they suffer from blood loss and it shows)?

I'm an ESL writer so being able to navigate my dictionaries well is an important skill to me, and being able to contexualise these things always helps a lot in making better word choices (essentially - what are the tools I apply to get the result I need? is a simple definiton enough or do I also need cultural understanding and etimology? I write fantasy, so I do occasionally think these things to pieces)

It took me some time to answer this because- I have to be honest- I was quite offended at something you implied here 😅 I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, bc I don't think you meant to, but I will absolutely need you to reframe your thinking after this. I'm probably not gonna answer all your questions either, sorry.

They don't read different to Black people, they read different to y'all!

You must understand that, from some of the questions I've received, and from the things that many a Black reader has read by nonblack (usually white) authors, it is often clear that some of you do not understand how we function or even look as human beings. It's as though we're another species, sometimes.

And that is not brand new! The history of antiblackness in medicine and physiology is as old as racism itself! Thinking that we do not blush- even though blushing is a physiological, human reaction. "Paler", as though that itself is not a word used from a eurocentric perspective to describe blood leaving a pale face. Blanche is also a verb describing blood leaving the face, which happens to everyone, but like you said... Rooted in literal whiteness.

We use physiological descriptions for Black people because if we don't, y'all do not understand how these words- and thus the reactions- apply to us! Because sure, we could use "paled"- if yall understood that it doesn't mean we get lighter skinned. Sure, we could use "blushed pink"- if you understood that it doesn't mean our brown cheeks turn a whole different color. Sure, we could say "pallid as death"- the one time being grey would make sense on our skin, as it is dry- but y'all don't understand that that doesn't mean getting lighter skinned.

You do not understand me; you do not understand how I as a human being function, even though I know enough about you to write you up entirely! I don't think 'oh well when pale folk blush and the writing says "cheeks darkened", they must mean that they're getting more melanin in their cheeks!' That sounds silly, right? And yet!

We use this language because it better allows us to be a part of a conversation that doesn't happen when the language and thus the visuals obtained still default to whiteness. And this has an effect from storytelling to having illnesses diagnosed. We're literally dying out here because doctors don't know what to look for on our skin or in our bodies; doctors that think having melanin makes your skin thicker and that being Black makes you less susceptible to pain somehow, that Black women bear childbirth pain better (despite dying more often) or that being Black is a pre-existing condition.

These are not words I'd have to lean on, if I knew that you understood how my body works the way you understood your own (and hell, y'all don't always understand that either 😅). Alas. Hope this made sense 👍🏾