#i always feel guilty when i move on to something different than what brought people to me

[zarla-s]

We move forward, 'cause we can't go back...

It's the EIGHTH anniversary of Handplates, and the first one after I finished the comic back in July! I decided to dig up a very old wip that I never finished and finally do it. I've always loved WeMoveForward by The Midnight, and I think it applies not only to the comic itself but also this period after it... there's no way to go back to when I was doing it, only moving forward after it's done.

Even more appropriately, since I did this wip, these characters all moved forward even further... even as this sat in my files, they moved forward, in a sense. I don't know, the song gives me a sort of plaintive, longing, bittersweet feeling... it's hard to explain.

I had a very insistent voice in my head that always made me do a Handplates page over the years I was working on it, no matter what happened. I wasn't sure if that voice would ever stop, even when it's done, but it has! It's gotten quieter now, mostly only nagging me about other projects I should be working on (Defrag, the Ace Attorney/Frozen fic, web design, fic ideas, art ideas...) whenever I'm doing something, much like it did before I started the comic.

How I feel about Handplates finishing though is strange. At times it doesn't feel like it's over, even if I don't feel like I need to do another page. At other times I get sad thinking about it and I miss it, and other times I look back on it with amazement that I was able to do it. Sometimes I look back on it and think about what was happening in my life at that time, and sometimes when I look at it it's unreal and it's hard to believe I even did it, like someone else did the whole thing. It's like it's there but it's not, it's present but it isn't. It's a very strange feeling, it's hard to describe or pin down. I know it'll always be with me in some way, but it is strange to be able to focus so much attention on other things without that feeling of having to set aside a few days to do a page every two weeks... not bad or anything, but I'm not used to it still.

I don't know! When I read the comments on the last page a lot of them made me cry, especially those talking about how the comic had been their childhood, and now their childhood is over. It was sad to think that I had a part in something like that ending... but it ends for everyone, no matter what you do. We, you and me, everyone... we move forward, 'cause we can't go back. That line was so evocative for me that I even used it as a chapter title for the penultimate chapter on Comicfury.

I don't know, just nostalgic thoughts! I don't know if that's the right word for it... but thank you to all of you who read it and enjoyed it. Even now I hear from new people coming to it and reading through it again now that it's done. Even if it's finished, it's still new to people just finding it. It's still "living" in a sense. And thanks to those of you who stuck around even though it's done, I appreciate it. |D

(As a note, the Gaster ukagaka has a surprise if you boot him on the anniversary after seeing the brothers, if you haven't done that)

[index] [patreon]

[electrosuite]

could you maybe do a fic where eddie is your dealer and you go to him and ask him to take your virginity and it turns out he's been fantasizing about fucking you since the day you met

warnings: swearing, drugs (marijuana), dirty talk, oral sex, descriptive sex

word count: 2.7k

masterlist

You knocked against the door to Eddie's house, nervously sighing and crossing your arms. It took a moment, but the door opened to reveal a very sleepy looking Eddie.

You immediately felt guilty, relaxing your posture a bit.

"Shit, sorry. Did I wake you up?"

"It's fine. Everything okay? You pounded the shit out of the door."

You nodded. "I don't know. I just..." You were trying to think of a reasonable excuse for waking him up, but the best you could come up with was, "How much do you have?"

"Uhh..." He thought for a moment. "I'm down to my last ounce. I need to get more."

"Great. I'll take it."

"What, all of it?"

"Yeah." He looked at you like you were crazy. "What?"

"You never get more than an eighth."

"Well, I am today."

He was still a bit confused, but he moved out of the way and allowed you to step inside. You walked over to the couch and sat. He didn't take his eyes off of you until he got into his room, wondering what had you so upset.

When he brought his supply out, he laid it on the coffee table with enough rolling papers to make joints out of every last speck. This was what he always did for you. He rolled the joints before you even left because you struggled every time you tried.

The two of you were silent while he rolled the first one, then handed it to you. You pulled a lighter out of your pocket and lit it, that first inhale feeling better to your lungs than oxygen.

As he began rolling the second joint, he spoke up.

"So, what's up?"

"What do you mean?"

"You seem off. Is everything okay?"

You rubbed your eyes with your fingers, propping your elbow on your knee.

After a moment, you replied, "Do you think it's weird not to date in high school?"

He looked up at you. "Are you really asking me that question?"

"I mean do you think it's weird if a girl hasn't dated in high school?"

"Is there a difference?"

"You know there is. People treat it differently."

"Do you care what people think?"

"Of course I do. But that's not what this is about."

"Are you afraid you're weird for not dating?"

"I don't know. I mean, almost everyone I know is, and sometimes i just wonder if I'm... doing something wrong."

"What do you mean, 'doing something wrong'?"

"I don't know how to explain it. Like, if I'm doing something that makes me unattractive, or-"

"Trust me, you're not."

"You don't think so?"

"No," he chuckled. "Absolutely not."

You took note of his comments, noticing his reaction to you suggesting you're unattractive. You didn't say anything for a moment, just watched him roll joint after joint.

You stood up slowly and began pacing in the pathway between the couch and coffee table, shoving your hands in your pockets.

When he got to the last joint, you turned to him and sighed.

"Look, I didn't come here for weed," you blurted.

"What do you mean?"

"I came here..." You could feel your heart pounding. "I came here to ask if you'd be interested in... taking my virginity."

His hand movements froze, his eyebrows raised, and his eyes drifted up to look at you.

"What?"

"I've been thinking. A lot. I'm so close to graduating as a virgin, and I don't want that. I want to lose it before I graduate, and the person I'd want to do it with most is you. I trust you."

He laid the joint in his hands down and got to his feet, walking to the kitchen and washing his hands, taking his time. You followed him, continuing to ramble.

"You know, like I said, every one of my friends are in relationships, and I'm fine with not dating. But none of them are virgins, and I'm the only one." Eddie turned the water off and grabbed a rag to dry his hands. "I'm just worried that if I don't lose it now, then I won't lose it for a while. And I don't really want to be a virgin anymore."

He turned to you and grabbed your face, pulling you in and planting his lips against yours. It caught you off guard but you immediately kissed back.

It was a gentle yet assertive kiss, one with longing behind it. It felt so natural, like your lips were made for each other. You immediately gripped his sides and let out a soft whimper into his mouth.

His hands slid down the backs of your thighs and he picked you up, carrying you into his room and kicking the door closed behind him. He tenderly dropped you down sideways onto his bed, your head hanging off the edge a bit.

He kept kissing you, his hips between your thighs. He was much more dominant than you expected him to be, as if a switch flipped in his head the second he started thinking about sex.

You reached down and pulled his shirt over his head, looking down at his body. He was beautiful, and you pulled him back down to kiss you. But he broke it a moment later to undress you, leaving you in just your bra and underwear.

He stopped, looking down at your body with his mouth slightly agape.

"What?" you asked, beginning to get nervous from his reaction. "Is something wrong?"

"It's just... weird."

"What is?"

"You're my client. I'm your dealer. It's just not something I thought would happen."

"If you don't wanna do this-"

"Woah, I didn't say that." His hands began traveling up your thighs. "I've wanted to for... I don't even know how long." His fingers slipped under your panties, pulling them off of you slowly. "I've wanted you for so long." He watched your face as his digits found your clit. A small whine left your mouth as your eyebrows turned upwards, your head falling back off the mattress.

He didn't take his eyes off your face, and he felt his pants grow tighter. Watching you squirm under him, it was a dream come true.

He was going so, so slow, and all you wanted was for him to speed up. But he didn't, instead loving the idea of teasing you. Making you writhe under him, demanding more.

So he decided to remove his fingers and crawl off the bed, kneeling on the floor. He grabbed you by the thighs and pulled you close, your hips hanging off the mattress slightly.

And the feeling of his warm, wet tongue on your soaked pussy drove you insane. You moaned much louder than you meant to, but you couldn't help it. He apparently knew exactly what he was doing, because this felt magical.

You couldn't physically hold your hips still, so he pressed down firmly on your hips. And when you couldn't move, forced to stay still, it almost made it more pleasurable.

You didn't know what to do with your hands, so they latched onto his hair, pulling tightly. So tightly, in fact, that he groaned. And his voice against your body felt like vibrating. This made you gasp, immediately feeling your orgasm approaching.

"Fuck, Eddie."

He knew you were close just by the sounds you were making. They were needy, desperate. And it was all he could think about. He'd always wondered what you sounded like when you came. The sweet sounds that would fill the room. And the fact that your first orgasm from someone else would be with him... It was almost too much for him to handle.

He needed to make you cum - hard. He was determined to make it as mind-blowing as humanly possible, to wear you out just from his tongue.

So when your hips bucked uncontrollably and you fisted his hair even harder, he knew you were finally there. You couldn't hold in the scream, the original plan of trying to be quiet going out the window. And he kept it going, refusing to let up.

Normally when it was just you, you only came for a few seconds because it was all you could handle. But a few seconds was gone, and he could tell he succeeded in making this intense.

And when your orgasm began to end on its own, he finally slowed down, easing you out of it. But he still didn't completely stop. In fact, the sounds you made got him desperate to hear them again, deciding then and there that he could postpone his own pleasure for the sake of watching you squirm under his mouth again.

So when he picked back up on the speed, it didn't take long to get you there again, maybe twenty seconds.

And during all of that, he never closed his eyes or looked away from you, not even for a second. He needed to watch how good he made you feel, how good your first time was.

When you physically pushed him away, he realized that you'd had enough. And when you pulled him back up to you, he was like a puma pouncing on his prey. You reached under you and unhooked your bra, throwing it somewhere on the floor.

"God, you're even more beautiful than I imagined."

His lips latched onto your breasts, cupping them in his hands. You reached down and unbuttoned his jeans, causing him to sit up on his knees. He watched your hands undo his pants, taking the opportunity to get up and pull them all the way off.

As he stood there, fully nude, you bit your lip at the sight. He looked so good, and he was rock hard. He dug through his nightstand and pulled out a condom, tearing it open with his teeth and sliding it down his length.

You knew he was going to be a lot to take, but if he was as good at sex as he was at oral, you were in for a good time.

When he crawled back on top of you, his hips settled against yours and he kissed your neck. Your hands found themselves against his ribs, fingertips pressed into his skin.

After a moment, he looked at you, making eye contact.

"You're sure about this?" he whispered.

"Are you really asking me that now?"

"I need you to answer me."

You reached up and tucked his hair behind his ear with your right hand.

"I've never been more sure about anything in my life, Eddie." You spoke softly, seductively. You pulled his face down so you could whisper into his ear. "I want you to fuck me until I can't walk straight."

He took in a tiny gasp at this, dirty talk not something he expected from you. You'd always been, for lack of a better word, pretty innocent. But he'd been surprised before, finding the most innocent girls to be freaks in bed.

"For your first time?"

You just nodded. "For every time."

And with that, he was kissing you again. He reached down to line himself up to your entrance, slowly pushing into you. You whined into his mouth and he smiled, the sound like music to his ears.

Once he was fully nestled into you, he also let out a moan. He didn't move at first though, allowing you time to adjust.

"That okay?"

"Oh god, you feel so good, Eddie."

He let out a satisfied sigh. "Good. Tell me if you want to stop at any point, alright?"

"I won't want to."

"Hey, I mean it. If it gets too much, or you change your mind at any point, make me stop. Okay?"

You nodded, smiling at him. "You're so sweet."

He kissed you again, beginning to move his hips. He started with slow, gentle thrusts to let you get used to him. But eventually, he couldn't resist picking up the pace.

You did ask for it rough, after all.

So he gave you what you asked for. He attacked your neck and collarbones with kisses, leaving sloppy spit marks all over your skin. The two of you were moaning and groaning in sync, the bed squeaking almost as loud.

He couldn't keep his lips off of you, sucking your skin hard and kissing you so deeply that your teeth were touching a few times.

He was trying to stay quiet so he could listen to your moans, but he couldn't hold them back. You felt incredible, like a warm wet hug. Like your body was made for him and only him. He fit perfectly inside of you, be it a bit snug.

He fisted the sheets under him and at this point he was going much quicker than he thought he could, which was almost overwhelming for you.

But it was just right. It was perfect.

So you frowned a little bit when he pulled out of you.

"Roll on your stomach," he commanded. You did, and he pulled a pillow over for you to lay your head on. He bent your left leg and when he was back into position, he held it in place with his knee. Your other leg was straight under him, your foot hanging off the bed.

You felt his hands on your lower back, his palms right on top of the dimples above your ass cheeks. He slid back into you, and this position felt even better.

"That okay?" he asked.

"Uh-huh," was all you could get out, so he kept going. Him holding your body down and slamming into you was a sensation you'd never experienced, it was nearly impossible to explain. All you could do was grip the pillow under your head.

He leaned down and kissed between your shoulder blades, leaving prints of his lips with his saliva.

"Goddamn, you feel good," he grunted, his fingers digging into your skin. He couldn't take his eyes off your back, littered with freckles. Your hair cascaded over your skin and in your face, and he noticed how perfectly beautiful you looked right now. Face buried in his pillow, ass jiggling with every thrust.

Fuck, he might be in love.

But the cherry on top was when you moaned his name. Your voice, the tone, the neediness, the desperation. He knew he was going to bust at any second, which was a first for him. Normally he lasted a while, but something about you was different. Maybe it was just how long he'd fantasized about this, how he was far more attracted to you than any other girl he'd slept with, he wasn't sure.

But you did something nobody else could do, which was gotten him there in less than five minutes.

And he decided he wanted to look into your eyes when he came.

So he pulled out of you quickly and rolled you back over, your head still on the pillow. He immediately slammed back into you and held your face with one hand as he kissed you, his other hand next to your shoulder to keep himself up.

"Y/N," he breathed.

"Hm?"

"I've never been so close so quickly before. I'm gonna cum."

"Good."

The hand he used to hold you still moved down to finger you, and you gasped into the kiss. He looked at you when you threw your head back, moving his lips to your jaw and neck again but still looking at your face, wanting to hear you.

And, like something out of a movie, both of you went over the edge simultaneously. It was intense, cumming while being fucked. You'd never experienced this, and it felt like you were going to melt right into the bed.

He kept going for as long as he could, but eventually he had to stop. You laid there panting, his face against your chest and your hands on his sides.

"Holy fuck," you said after a moment. He chuckled, shaking you and the bed under him.

"Yeah. Holy fuck." You lifted his head and kissed him, wrapping your arms around his neck to keep him close. "You okay?"

"I'm amazing."

"You really are."

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"Making my first time memorable."

"I should thank you, too."

"Me? Why?"

"I think that was the best sex I've ever had."

"No shit."

"Shit."

"Well, damn. You're welcome, then."

"You said something about... Every time earlier?"

"You're still inside of me and you're already thinking about doing it again?"

"What, you're not?"

You chuckled, noticing how hot and sweaty both of you were. It was kind of gross, but you didn't care in the moment.

And you knew he made your request come true. You were not going to be able to walk properly for a little while.

[vaultdwellerbarbie]

guilty as sin?

cooper adams/f!reader (5.9k wc)

summary upon coming home from your senior year of college, you find out that cooper has volunteered to help watch your sister while your parents are on holiday. just what you need - being home alone with the hot dad from down the street for a week.

content warnings smut, unsafe sex, creampie, vaginal fingering, oral sex (f!receiving), age difference, dark/canon-typical subject material (ie. takes place post trap and it's not cheating because rachel died and he got away au), the ending i guess can kind of be interpreted as dark but it's also like... not that dark

cooper gets a fic named after my favorite taylor swift song. cooper is just that special! i love him. this actually was not the cooper fic i was halfway done writing last night but i had this idea while i was at the cinema seeing trap again and just kind went with it. more cooper soon.

Coming home from college was hard enough - sure, you had a reprieve from your classes for the summer, but you were also moving around and not being in direct contact with your new friends for a few months. It became worse when you realized what questions you were going to be met with by just about everyone in your life for the next three months. “Oh, you just graduated? What next? Grad school, why? What about internships? Any jobs lined up? What was college like? Meet any cute boys?” It was sickening even thinking about it.

With that in mind, you wanted to do your best to do a low-profile. Avoid the neighbors who you were certain were going to ask questions, attend as few little parties in the neighborhood as possible, and definitely don’t interact with the man at the end of the street. 

Cooper Adams had always been a problem for you. When you were younger, you were too nervous to be around him and typically hid in the corner whenever he was in the same place as you. It was unfortunate that he was good friends with your father, since that meant that you were around him a lot more than you wanted to be. Having met him when you were freshly eighteen, you figured that the way that your stomach filled with a disturbing fluttery feeling and your body miraculously always broke out in a sweat when he was near was simply something to do with being a legal adult for the first time. It was surely just exciting to be around an attractive older man now that he wasn’t (legally) off limits for you.

But Cooper was off limits. He was married with two children. He was friends with your father, and his daughter was best friends with your younger sister - by the time you came back from your freshman year of college, your mother was seemingly best friends with his wife. You’d hoped, by then, those feelings would have gone away since you were surrounded by people who were viable partners, but those feelings never quite went away. 

Any boy your age you tried to sleep with was a let down, nothing they did could make you orgasm. So, you tried girls, and that didn’t work either. You branched out to older men, and that worked a little - but the entire time you just wished that you were with Cooper, that was what ultimately brought you over the edge. So, with four (failed) total partners and one total orgasm - courtesy mainly of your imagination - you decided that you were just going to quit sex and romance all together since you could never, ever, sleep with Cooper Adams.

He’d talk to you, sure. He made friendly conversation and offered you some wine when he knew that you were twenty-one, he even invited you to a concert with him and his daughter since your little sister was going with them. He was always kind to you, but that just made you more irritated because you liked talking to him. It was infuriating, and you wanted to spend as little time down the street as possible if you could help it this summer. Your mind would linger on Cooper, you’d think about him late at night when you were in bed, and you’d wonder if he could see you when you were tasked with walking the family dog from time to time, but that was it. You could not be anywhere near him, because you knew he’d talk to you, and you knew you’d like it, and you knew that he was just going to continue to be a massive (emphasis on massive, since he’s so tall and broad that you’re pretty sure he could throw a person with little effort) issue for you. 

Things typically don’t work out for you when it comes to Cooper, though. 

Try as you may to convince your parents that you were just fine with watching your sister for a week while they traveled Europe together, they were certain that would be placing too much of a burden on you since it was only two weeks after you got back from a strenuous semester. Nay nay, they insisted, Cooper volunteered since Rachel is out of town with her parents - he really only needs to be there at night, they said. He can come over after work, they said, it’s just fine, they said! You love Cooper and your sister can spend plenty of time with Riley! It’s a win-win, they insisted. 

What they didn’t quite consider was that you quite literally had nothing to do. Making friends in Philadelphia wasn’t particularly hard - plenty of people around, a nice night life, but mainly you knew that most of your friends had moved away. At some point, you were going to start a summer job, but the job market was absolutely horrendous and it was taking longer than you thought it would to get one. So, with little gas money and no where in particular to go, you really weren’t burdened by watching your sister who wasn’t even there during the day; there was no reason, you figured, for Cooper to need to be in your home at five sharp every afternoon, but he was. 

The first day was fine, overall. Your sister spend the day out with one of her friends from school and came home around four in the afternoon. She begged you to play video games with her, and you were only slightly embarrassed to answer the door for Cooper while fully invested in playing Roblox. 

Cooper, who stood in front of you with a big smile on his face that told you that he was about to either stab you or hug you - sometimes you just couldn’t tell with him, he smiled almost too much. 

“I heard you graduated, congratulations!” Hug it was, then.

You accepted the embrace, but you were sure that he could feel how warm you were against him. Naturally, nobody was that warm, but he really did always make you spontaneously break out in a sweat. “From undergrad, yeah, I’m going to grad school in the fall though.”

“For anything in particular?” He asked, pulling back. Cooper kept a respectable distance, he always did, but you let him close it slightly when you actually let him inside of the house. 

“Still figuring that out.” You responded, leading him to where the kitchen was located in the house. “I’m assuming my parents wanted you to cook, but that kinda… mean. I can cook with you.” 

“Oh, I offered, don’t worry about it.” His voice was reassuring, and if you were being smart, you would just tell him that was fine and go about your business. But you wanted to be accommodating, and the smart part of you that knew it was wise to keep your distance from Cooper just seemed to shut off whenever he was around. Somehow, you always tried to spend even more time with him knowing that you’d just regret it later. Like drinking a coffee late at night or something. 

“You’re still getting used to this kitchen, though. It’s really no problem for me to help you.” 

“I suppose I could always use an extra set of hands.” He responded, setting the grocery bags he had come with down. “But, you have to promise to follow my instructions. I’m very particular about recipes.” 

“You can trust me, I think.” 

“Just try your best, I’m sure you’ll get it.” 

Cooper, despite only having been inside of your home a few times, really had no issue getting acclimated to cooking in your kitchen. He had no issue taking charge, and certainly no issue when making sure that you were doing the right thing. He was incredibly meticulous and organized, but you already knew that from having experienced his behavior and having been in his house before. 

The issue wasn’t so much cooking with him, because you were both pretty into what you were doing. He was methodical, and you were just trying to please him and make sure that you didn’t mess up the food that you were about to eat. The issue was that you were into what you were doing, because you were so distracted that you only realized when the food was in the oven that his hair had started hanging partially in his face. That his hand sometimes grazed your own, and that he was standing about as close as he did when you were at barbeque’s with him and he knew that you weren’t going to be able to hear him otherwise; so close that you were always worried that his wife was going to get mad at you if you moved just a centimeter closer to him. But she wasn’t here right now, and your movement was so imperceptible that you were certain he didn’t even notice it while he cleaned up your cupboards - something that, truly, you probably should have offered to do but you were just so… fascinated by watching him. Plus, he probably wanted that done a particular way, too. 

“Your parents told me you put up quite an argument against me helping out this week.” He finally turned to you, your proximity much more noticeable. But he didn’t move away, he simply folded the towel that he was using at set it down on the cupboard. 

“I just didn’t want you to be inconvenienced… my parents seem to think I have places to be but I don’t.” 

“It’s really no trouble at all,” He was too close, and you were certain that he had moved even closer. You felt like you were so warm you could implode, your needed to take your cardigan off, something to get some relief. “Do you need to air conditioner turned up? You’re a little clammy.” 

His hand on your forehead was the next thing you felt, your eyes not leaving his face for an second, but it was in that instant that you knew that he knew exactly what he was doing to you. 

“You’re burning up, honey. Do you want to sit down?”

“Just dehydrated.” Your voice probably helped sell it, since you could barely get the words out of your throat. Cooper’s hand fell from your forehead, but not without grazing your cheek. Whatever lack of arousal you had felt around other people who you had actively tried to be aroused with was a thing of the past with Cooper, you were pretty sure that you had never been so aroused in your life as you were now, and all he had done was touched your face for less than a minute - how did he have such a hold over you? 

“Let me get you some water.” He turned to the fridge, grabbing a bottle that he was certain belonged to you from the stickers adorning the side. “This you?”

“Mhm.” Holding your hand out, you expected him to just give it to you, but his new goal in life seemed to be tormenting you. He popped the lid open and held it out to you, but he didn’t let you take it from his hand. “Cooper-”

“I’m just taking care of you, we wouldn’t want you to pass out.” He was too close, suffocatingly close, and he was pressing the bottle’s plastic nub to your lips - it was overwhelming. “Drink, please.” 

The sexual nature of what he was doing wasn’t lost on you as you wrapped your lips around the plastic, taking a sip of your water. His eyes were locked on yours, his lips slightly parted as he watched you. He seemed fascinated, but he also definitely knew that everything he was doing had one simple effect on you. Once you were finished with the water. He closed it and reached past you to set it down. 

“You seem so pent up, have the boys at school not been treating you well?” Cooper brought a hand to your forehead, brushing some hair out of your face. You weren’t even sure that this was actually happening, but you went along with it regardless because it was definitely happening.

“I gave up on that like two years ago.” 

“And why’s that?”

“Cooper-” You weren’t sure what exactly to say, but just based upon the way he was looking at you, you were almost convinced that he knew the exact reason. 

“I just want to hear you say it, who did you wish was touching you?”

“I-Is this happening? Am I hallucinating?”

“You’re not hallucinating,” He stepped a bit closer, and any worries that you had about someone walking in were off of your mind - your sister was probably still entranced with her game anyway. “I think it would be rude to pinch a young lady, so I’ll just have to show you another way.” 

The feeling of Cooper’s mouth on yours was immediate, and your response was quicker than you would ever admit to anyone. Your hand grabbed onto his forearm, grounding you while you kissed him back. But his kiss was tantalizingly slow, he knew that he was taunting you and leaving you on edge. For whatever reason, he seemed to be getting enjoyment out of that, but you couldn’t claim that you weren’t enjoying this more than even you believed that you ever would. 

He pulled away after a moment, though. “Can you answer my question now?”

“I was… they couldn’t please me.”

“Why not?” 

“Because they weren’t you.” 

“You’re so sweet.” He pressed a kiss to the corner of your mouth, but pulled away and checked on the food the moment that the timer went off as though nothing had happened. “Why don’t you set the table.”

Wordlessly, you set the dinner table for three - you had been expecting Riley and her little brother to be over, but your sister had explained earlier that Riley and her brother were going to be over for the rest of the week, but not tonight. some sort of obligation that they couldn’t get out of with another family member even though it meant that Cooper needed to drive them there, pick them up, and still deal with babysitting your younger sister and cooking dinner; even though he had volunteered and your complaints had been relatively selfish, you still felt like you were putting too much on his plate. 

Still, your mind was lingering elsewhere. Namely, you couldn’t shake the feeling of his lips on yours, of the way that he looked at you and touched you, how badly you wanted him to do much more than that. How this had even happened was something that you just couldn’t put your finger on. Never had you gotten the impression that Cooper would ever do anything to pursue you. Your families were so close, it was such a risk - but what had happened was real, it did happen, you definitely hadn’t made it up. 

There was a sense of guilt in your mind. In the past, your thoughts were just thoughts. You had never acted on them, and so you couldn’t feel bad for pining over a married man who you knew you could never, and would never, have anything with. But kissing him was already bad enough, hoping that more would happen by the time your sister went to bed made it much worse. It was true that your thoughts were only natural, but you had a responsibility not to act on them - to keep them as pure fantasy. And yet, all you wanted was to forget about that and find out what he looked like underneath his shirt. 

Shaking that thought from your mind as you called for your sister, you joined the two of them for dinner. She carried most of the conversation, but when it shifted to you, you did your best to not show how dazed you had been as you contemplated that anything that was going on meant. Nor did you know how to react when she expressed that a friend down the street had invited her to spend the night, when you were given the authority to decide whether that was okay or not. Normally, it was a yes. Your parents would have said yes, your sister had no school since she had just been let on summer vacation a few days ago, and you had no reason to say no. It shouldn’t have taken as much contemplation as it did, but the expectant way that Cooper looked at you told you simply that your not-so-innocent thoughts had the capacity to become a reality if she wasn’t there for the night.

Against your better judgment, you said yes. 

With that looming in your mind for the rest of dinner, you were reluctant to walk her down the street to see her friend. It was almost a shame how close-knit this community was, because without that you probably wouldn’t even be as close with Cooper as you were to begin with and she certainly wouldn’t be spending the night with someone on a whim. But, here you were. Even the cool night air couldn’t do much to calm you as you recognized that Cooper was still going to be in your home by the time that you got back, and you were going to have to face whatever decision you had made earlier when you let him kiss you. 

Walking back through the doors of your home, you tried your best to act normal under the circumstances. Cooper was just finishing up packing the leftover food into the fridge, and you almost wanted to go straight to your room - but that wasn’t going to solve anything. You were an adult, with adult feelings toward another adult, and you needed to do the responsible thing and face them head-on. It just so happened that the responsible thing, truly, would be telling him that what was happening was wrong, that he was married and at least twenty years older than you… and it also just so happened that you knew that you weren’t going to do that. 

“Cooper?”

“What’s up?” 

What was up? What was your plan in approaching him? ‘Hey Cooper, wanna have sex?’ didn’t really seem like the right move. “Do you need any help?”

“I’m just finishing up, thank you though.” He replied, cleaning off the cupboard one last time before approaching you. “Did you need anything else before I go?”

“You know, you don’t have to go back home. It’s getting late, it could be dangerous.”

“I’m sure I’ll be okay.” He replied, but he didn’t move. Once again, it seemed like he was waiting on you to make the move - but he was letting you, he wanted you to, he seemed to be getting off on making you ask him for it. 

“And you’ll be all alone, you could get bored.”

“I’m pretty tired, I bet I’ll pass right out.”

“I’m scared of being in the house alone, I might need company.” 

“Well we can’t have that, can we?” He stepped a bit closer to you, his large hand covering your cheek. “Do you want me to stay? To protect you?”

“Please stay.” 

“Do you want me to… sleep on the couch?”

“I imagine a bed would be more comfortable.” 

Cooper hummed, but shrugged his shoulders. “Last time I checked, you don’t have a spare bedroom.”

“Cooper-”

“Tell me what you want, or I can’t do anything for you.” 

It was wrong, and you knew that, and he did too. You both knew that what you were doing was wrong. Yet, for whatever reason, he wasn’t stopping it - maybe he was just lonely since his wife was out of town for an undisclosed period of time, some family emergency that you didn’t even know about until your parents told you. Maybe he had been waiting to finally get you alone, maybe he had noticed those longing glances that you were sending him when you figured that he wouldn’t catch you.

“How long have you known?” You asked, your voice shaking a bit.

“Remember that pool party Cindy threw down the street last summer?”

“Yeah…”

“I distinctly remember you, quiet as ever, piping up to complain tirelessly about me refusing to swim.” 

“I mean, they were the first family on the block to get a pool. You were really missing out.” 

“Right… but that wasn’t why you complained, was it?”

“No, not really.” 

“And why did you complain?”

“Because I wanted you to take your shirt off.” You replied, not really knowing what to say other than the truth. Cooper was intelligent, you knew that. He had you figured out even though you were certain that you had kept your distance enough that he wouldn’t have. But, you took solace in the fact that it had taken three years of quiet pining for him to figure it out. “But what made you want… assuming you want to… you know-”

“I’m not sure, exactly.” Not really the best answer, but you knew that he was going to elaborate. “A good answer would be seeing you in your little shorts, or in that bathing suit at the pool party. But I think the first time I thought about it was when you were over around Thanksgiving, fully covered in one of those cute sweaters you like so much.”

“Do you still want me to ask you to have sex with me?”

“I think you just did.” 

Cooper’s lips were pressed against yours again before you could even really contemplate the consequences of it. Whatever issues you were going to have with yourself in the morning for doing this with him were just going to have to be issues for a future version of yourself. For now, the only thing that mattered was how delicately he pushed you against the wall. How he let your fingers roam under his shirt, playing with the hem of it until he disconnected his lips from yours, given you a moment to breathe.

“Would you mind leading me to your bedroom? If your past partners have been unsatisfactory, you at least deserve to do this on a bed.”

Quickly, you nodded and took his hand. Cooper followed you as you brought him into your room, looking around at the items that you had collected. Your room was rather clean, sparing the suitcase that you hadn’t fully unpacked since returning home that sat half-open in the corner of the room. He seemed interested in the posters and albums that filled your room, interested in knowing what each of them actually was since you hardly let him speak to you to begin with. But, he was mainly interested in getting your shirt off and tossing it into your clothing basket - it being in the basket was of particular importance to him. 

He let you remove his shirt as well, your eyes finally taking in the sight of him without it on. You weren’t particularly surprised that he looked good underneath his shirt, you expected nothing less of him. Yet, you couldn’t help the way that your fingers grazed over his skin before finally meeting his eyes. Cooper had his fingers underneath the hem of your leggings rather quickly, watching to see if you were resistant of that for a moment - when he saw no disagreement in your face, he quickly removed the article of clothing from your body before urging you to get onto the bed. 

Admittedly, you wished that you had a larger bed than what you did simply for this purpose - not that you had sex very often, but simply because you felt like you were cramping Cooper. If he minded, he didn’t let on. 

“What was it that those people at school didn’t do for you?” He asked, situating himself in between your legs once you were both on the bed. “Did they not pay enough attention to you? Not worry more about your pleasure than theirs?”

“I don’t even think it was an equal amount.” 

“Well, let’s fix that.” Cooper’s lips were delicate against yours, but they were also fleeting. It wasn’t long before he was kissing down your chest, his hands moving to your back to undo your bra. While you shrugged it off of your body, he took it from your hands to make sure that it ended up in the basket of your dirty clothes. Some part of your mind contemplated the fact that his shirt was in there too, that his scent could linger on your clothing until you washed it, but did you really need to be concerned about that when there was an even better chance that his scent was going to linger in your bed? On your skin? 

His lips distracted you from your thoughts, wrapping gingerly around one of your nipples while his hand descended lower on your body. You could feel his fingers pushing underneath the fabric of your panties, roaming slower and collecting the wetness that you knew had started pooling the moment that you saw him in the doorway.

“Have any of them ever made you this wet before?”

“Only when I started thinking about you.” It was the truth, you had gotten this wet before  during another sexual encounter - it just so happened that it was because you were fantasizing about Cooper during it. 

“That’s a no, then.” 

His fingers were much thicker than yours, that was what you noticed the moment that he pushed them inside of you. He could reach deeper than you could, and it didn’t even seem to be something that he was purposefully trying to do when the heel of his hand ground against your clit as his fingers moved within your cunt. His lips continued to kiss along your skin, your quiet moans spurring him on as he brought another hand to the hem of the fabric of your panties. It almost felt unfair that he still had his pants on throughout this, but you couldn’t bring yourself to really think about that once he had your panties off of your body and his lips pressed gently against your hipbone. 

“Have you ever let anyone put their mouth here?” He inquired, venturing lower and glancing up at you as his teeth sunk into the skin of your thigh.

“Once.”

“And did you finish?”

“I pretended to.” 

“Poor thing, you’re not going to have to pretend with me.” His voice was gentle and reassuring, but it was clear that there were undertones to it that you’ve never heard from him before. 

There really was no time to linger on that, though, as his mouth finally connected with your cunt. His fingers still moved within you, seemingly he had figured out just how to move them to make you moan just a little bit louder. There was some part of you that felt like you needed to try to be quiet, like there was some risk that you were going to get caught even though you knew that wasn’t going to happen. If your sister had to come back, she’d call you. If something came up in any other capacity, you were certain that you would know. There was no way that someone was going to catch you, and no nosy neighbor was going to discuss Cooper having been here until late into the night since everyone knew that he was going to be here. If anything, you weren’t particularly lying when you said that you were nervous to be in the house alone! You’d been spending months in a dorm with people, and when you got back you had been with family. Being alone did make you kind of nervous, so you weren’t actually being dishonest and it wouldn’t be very hard to tell people that if anyone did question if anything happened. 

Regardless, you knew that what you were doing with Cooper was wrong. That alone was enough to make you on edge, but that edginess continually slipped away as his lips latched onto your clit and his fingers curled at just the right angle inside of you to make you feel like you were going to lose your mind. 

Cooper was right, you were incredibly pent up from having spent so long not having any conquests - and, when you had conquests, it just never brought you to the finish line. You needed this, and you specifically needed it with him. 

Your fingers tangled in his hair without you really thinking about what you were doing, and that just made Cooper continue what he was doing with a bit more vigor. He liked the feeling of you touching him, the feeling of you this close. He really had been thinking about it for quite some time, and it only helped a little bit that your little worry about him being married wasn’t that much of a worry for him. 

When he did feel you pulsating around his fingers, he knew that you were close. He continued to work you to the edge, your fingers tightening around his hair as his name escaped your lips more times than you probably even noticed. Finally, you felt the relief of an orgasm flow through you as you came on his fingers, his movements only stalling when he knew that you were coming down from that high.

Your eyes were a bit dazed as you looked at him, as he moved up your body and laughed at how eager you were to pull his lips back to yours. Cooper helped you as you moved to undo his pants, tossing them into the hamper as well before removing the boxers that kept him separated from you. 

“Sure you can take it?”

“Please, Cooper, I’m sure.”

Cooper moved one of his hands to take yours, ���Squeeze if you need to.” Being the only thing leaving his mouth. His concern was based in reality - you hadn’t had anyone inside of you in years, and even then, he was bigger than anyone that you had been with before, both in stature and in what he was packing beneath his pants. Of course, you expected this from him. He was tall, he had large hands, you knew the signs. 

Your hand did squeeze his a bit, but the moment he knew you were comfortable was the moment that he started moving. He really didn’t waste any time, his hips snapping into yours and leaving you a whimpering mess underneath him - but that was, ultimately, what Cooper wanted from you. 

“You’re doing so well, being such a good girl; I knew you’d be good for me.” His praise brought that familiar (sickening) fluttering back to your stomach, but you did your best to mask it with another kiss. It was sloppier than it was before, his teeth digging slightly into your lower lip and his tongue pressing against yours. You could taste yourself on his tongue, and that alone was enough to make you yearn for more. More of this, more encounters like this. You’d wanted him for so long, and now the idea of this only happening once was absolutely devastating to you. 

“It feels so good, Cooper - so much better than anyone else.”

“I know, baby, you just needed me to take care of you.” He kept a hand planted on your face, his thumb stroking your cheek. His eyes were so warm, but there was a bit of a darkness behind them - a darkness that you were assuming was lust, though it could always be something more. 

His other hand moved lower, his finger coming in contact with your clit again. Everything he did felt so good, you were certain that nobody had ever made you feel this good before - and you were also certain that nobody else ever would. But, was it not just how badly that you wanted him in particular that had made everyone else pale in comparison? Truly, they probably just never had a fair chance.

Cooper was experienced, but he also seemed to be figuring out exactly what you wanted moment by moment. He seemed focused on making sure that he was pleasing you, but, in the process, his grunts and groans didn’t go unnoticed. To the contrary, each one of them went straight to your core. Truthfully, Cooper had been pent up for a while as well - longer than you actually knew. 

That was probably why neither of you stood a chance at lasting longer than you did, and probably why neither of you even considered the ramifications of him not pulling out of you. But the feeling of him finishing inside of you, of feeling somehow even more full of him than you did before, did something to you. The sight of him above you as you both came to terms with what had happened, as his soft hair hung over his forehead and his eyes - glazed with lust - found yours, you knew that he had ruined any chance of you ever wanting anyone other than him.

“Cooper,” You started, not really sure where to go from there… but you’d had sex with him, hadn’t you? What qualms could you really have about speaking your mind anymore? “You should spend the night.” 

“We’re going to shower first, okay?”

“Alright, okay.” 

So, you took showers (separately, to your chagrin, but he had to use your father’s shower products), and he ultimately did join you in your small, relatively cramped bed. Even as you fell asleep on his chest that night, you were worried that it wouldn’t happen again - that he just wasn’t as interested as you. After all, you were a fun idea, a younger woman who wanted him so badly that you’d do anything he asked of you, not someone to bring home to his children who are only about ten years younger than you. Besides that, Cooper was still married, right?

But you really didn’t have the full picture. 

Cooper, legally, was still married. But you’d saved yourself a lot of trouble refusing to go to that concert with him, that concert that had been a setup from Rachel. It was an odd coincidence that she had a family emergency right after, especially for Riley who was on top of the world before her mother was gone without much word. It was going to be a problem when it became clear that she was actually gone, but for now, that guilt that you felt about potentially being a mistress was… probably not the worry that you should have. But Cooper was happy to keep that from you, at least for now, for as long as he needed to. 

After all, maybe you’d be happier with him than you would have been at grad school? Maybe you wouldn’t turn him into the police if you ever grew suspicious of what exactly he did in his free time. All he knew was that you’d tried - even if you hadn’t realized you were trying - to get him wrapped around your finger, and it had worked. Now, he had you wrapped around his, and he just didn’t really feel like letting that go any time soon. Of course, you wouldn’t protest being with him for longer - he knew that, you wanted to keep him in your life, and he always enjoyed giving you what you wanted.

[harringroveobsessed]

Prompt - Moon for @harringrovemicroficandart.

Billy had been here for hours now just watching as the blue faded fast giving way to vibrant oranges and dusky pinks until the only light illuminating the quarry came from the full moon. He stubbed out yet another cigarette as he lay back against the hood of the car allowing his mind to wander, nights like these always brought back memories of his mom. Billy snorted softly to himself pondering how even now he could recite every phase of the moon she ever taught him.

Billy always knew Maria Hargrove was different than the other kids Mom’s even from a young age. While his classmates would share weekend tales of being allowed to stay up past 10pm to watch movies, Billy spent his weekends holding hands with his Mom, rings on each of her fingers combing the streets by moonlight looking for treasures.

Treasures, Billy learned could be anything from a shard of beach glass in a pretty shade of turquoise, a delicate stemmed flower just waiting to be pressed and preserved or dainty little seashells that glimmered cheerfully when they catch the light.

Looking for treasures became such an important part of the time he spent with his Mom that even now, despite the ever present pang in his heart Billy finds himself scanning the floor of the quarry, absentmindedly looking for anything his Mom would declare special enough to keep with the small collection in his glovebox.

Maria Hargrove fancied herself something of a moon child, an astronomer tracking the cycles of the moon each month and teaching him constellations before he could even tell the time. She taught him how the moon turns the tides, how each moon phase lasts only around a week orbiting around the sun before moving and bringing with it a new meaning each time.

He can’t help the small hitch in his breath as he remembers standing in this exact spot almost two weeks earlier gazing up at the First Quarter Moon; the memory of his Mom’s melodic voice ghosting in his ear. “This phase is time for manifestation Bee, it gives you time to reassess, make adjustments in your life, remove what is in your way and move forward with determination”

He supposes she did just that back then; she made adjustments and moved forward without him.

It’s quiet up here at night, not many people bother with the drive once the temperature starts to drop but Billy likes the peace, the quiet crashing of the water below him and only the moon to cast her critical eye over him – he’d prefer the cosmos itself rather than his Dad. He’s sighs heavily about to crawl into his backseat and call it a night when he hears a car climbing up the hill; the sound of the approach he knows particularly well. Unlike the sound of his Dad’s truck, which growing up he came to memorise in order to expect oncoming pain, the tires currently crunching across the gravel ground bring him something else entirely.

“Drove by your house, you weren’t answering your walkie” Steve murmured over the sound of his door slipping closed, the sound of gravel crunching again as he moved towards the Camaro.

“Neil found it” Billy said, shoulders hunching self consciously “wanted to know why I had a stupid kids toy, had to pretend it was Max’s. She’s probably turned it off to be safe. Sorry.”

Billy didn’t even have to turn his head to feel big Bambi eyes full of worry burning a hole into the side of his face.

“Billy, are you hurt? Why didn’t you come to me, you know you can always come to me. I want you to come to me.” Steve said sounding almost pained.

Billy didn’t respond, feeling guilty yet not even sure what the hell for and continued to stare resolutely up at the full moon.

When Billy let the moment drag on without a response Steve huffed loudly pushing himself off the hood and bullied his way in between Billy’s legs. Leaning forward to place both of his hands softly on Billy’s knees, Steve ducked his head trying to catch Billy’s eyes with a concerned expression.

“What are you doing out here Blue?” Steve whispered. Billy took a breath and let it out slowly as he inclined his head to give Steve the eye contact he was striving for.

“’s a full moon is all pretty boy, I’m not hiding from you or anything I-I just… it’s nice out. Stars are out you know, reminds me of home and my Mom I guess”

Steve smiled softly and finally tore his eyes away from Billy’s and set his gaze up to the sky. Billy watched on intently as the reflection of the full moon shone bright in Steve’s hazel eyes; like the world itself knew that seeing the moon through Steve Harrington’s eyes was the only way to view it.

Billy felt his heart clench as he bit his lip and tipped forward to rest his forehead on his boyfriend’s chest.

Steve knew about his Mom and her draw to the cosmos, had pulled it out of Billy with weed and kisses when he found him up here the last time. Billy had expected him to scoff or laugh like the kids did when he was younger, but Steve surprised him, kissed him on the forehead, took his hand and asked Billy to show him the constellations.

Billy really should have learned by now to stop being surprised by Steve Harrington, half of the collection lovingly stored in his glovebox came from Steve. Pretty stones he found that shimmered in the sun, a blue gem Steve found he said reminded him of Billy’s eyes, a red rose from their first date.

Steve draws away for only a minute and returns with a blanket holding out his hand to Billy, they huddle together on the frozen ground of the quarry as Steve kisses his forehead just like last time.

“Tell me about the full moon Blue”

I'm sorry the word count got a way from me a little but this is the first thing I've written in YEARS and I hope someone enjoys it even a little. Apologies for any grammar mistakes, high school was a long time ago.

For @intothedysphoria and @dragonflylady77 who both have encouraged me once upon a time to pick up writing again!

[strqyr]

genuine question: do people want bad, inconsistent writing? is that it? because that's the only way "taiyang is and always has been a horrible father and yang had to raise ruby all on her own and she resent him for it" makes any damn sense.

like. where's the resentment?

where is yang, while happy that ruby is one step closer to achieving her lifelong dream, feeling just slightly frustrated that she's once again sharing a room with her sister, when going to beacon was supposed to be a place just for her for at least two years without having to watch after ruby and feel guilty over it?

where's the resentment when tai sent zwei to the girls to be taken care of while he's away on a mission, placing that responsibility on yang again? why show yang instead being flippant about the whole ordeal, and shrugging it off like it's nothing, being ready to leave zwei alone in the dorm room for the week they're away because he has the absurd amount of food and a can opener tai provided them?

where's yang bringing up how she had to apparently grow up early because tai wasn't there, when she wanted to be treated like an adult?

where's the resentment when yang was about to leave home under the assumption it was her keeping her father from going after ruby, only to find out he isn't coming with her, once again leaving the responsibility of taking care of ruby on her shoulders?

because the show i watched, it doesn't exist. to even remotely get to that point you'd have to ignore ruby talking about their dad in a way that makes it clear he was present and raising them, you'd have to ignore yang having to wait for him to be out of the house to leave herself once again proving he was present and attentive of them, you'd have to ignore ruby's first happy memory being from that same time period (and with no corresponding sad memory to counter it), you'd have to ignore him reading them bedtime stories and taking them out for boba after school, making sure he's spending time with them even when he's busy with work.

you'd have to ignore that both yang and ruby have a good relationship with their father.

that is not to say tai doesn't have his flaws—every damn character in this show does—, but that's exactly what V4 is about. the rift that existed between yang and taiyang was his refusal to talk about raven and doing his best to prevent her from looking for her. that's it. just compare the difference in tone between yang's "oh, so now we can talk about her?" and "i don't know. some things you just need to be there for." and it's clear as a day where the resentment actually lies.

therein lies the core of the arc between yang and tai, and like many issues between characters in this show, it gets resolved: for the first time ever, he properly talks with yang about raven, and when yang is about to leave, he doesn't try to stop her like he has before; instead, he asks her where she's going, and gives information that might help make her journey easier.

if they intended there to be any lingering resentment from yang, 'boba' was not the way to do it. we know what yang's resentment looks like: anger, snappiness, the like. it's not quiet, almost somber.

they could have written yang treating tai's absence in vacuo as something she has come to expect from him, but they didn't; instead, she wonders why, because she can't fathom what could be more important for their father than being there, in vacuo, with them.

and that alone comes as validation for everyone who has wondered the same: why is tai staying in patch when everyone else is on the move? this is a character we're first properly introduced to as a father who has fallen asleep by his daughter's bedside waiting for her to wake up, a father who is almost brought to tears by relief that both of his daughters are back home and safe.

a father we last saw being absolutely desperate for his daughter to come back on screen when ruby's message cut short.

and beyond brings a sledgehammer and says yes, it is odd that taiyang hasn't left home to be by his daughters' side. wonder why that is, must be something important, wink wink ;)

and if you ask me, that sounds like a pretty damn good "long con", and damn good writing.

[random-writing-panda]

||•~Late night love~•||

Bruce Wayne (Batman) x reader

*not my gif

First post kinda exited also kinda terrified. Sorry for any grammar/spelling or just general mistakes. Hope you like it?

Warnings: mentions of blood ( its like a few words i think)

Word count: 800

====================================

Being Bruce Wayne’s wife wasn’t easy, its stressful and upsetting. Due to Bruce's extracurricular activities you are often left alone in a bed that feels too large and lonely it’s a good thing he always ends up next to you eventually. 

====================================

Flipping over into your side you glance at the clock on your nightstand the big red numbers read 4am and you hadn't slept at all. It was always impossible for you to sleep without the warmth Bruce provided. 

Bruce was currently on patrol with the boys and you were left alone in an obnoxiously large bed that was cold and empty, you knew what Bruce did was important and how many people he helped, how many people that depended on him. 

But you couldn’t help but feel lonely at times like these, late at night, cold and missing your husband.

You waiting up for Bruce to return from patrol wasn’t unusual, you always worried when he was out and wanted to make sure he was safe and unharmed, the many sleepless nights took the form of prominent dark circles under your eyes and no matter what you did you could never fully hide them. This of course made Bruce feel guilty, you were only up because of him.

∞∞

You were woken to the sound of yelling and something smashing on the floor. You jolt up from bed and rush out into the hallway and as you step out Alfred runs right into you.

“I’m so sorry Miss y/n.” Alfred hastily apologies but continues to rush to the halls with his arms full of medical supplies.

“It’s okay Alfred what happened, who got hurt??” you followed Alfred through the manor taking a few items from him,

“Master Bruce was injured…” the grim look on his face said more than any words could, Bruce had been hurt before, it was in the job description, but this was different, this was worse than his other injuries, at this realization you grab more of the medical supplies from Alfred and run into the bat cave.

Once you enter the Batcave you see Jason and Tim trying to hold up an almost unconscious Bruce between them, you hurl yourself towards them and pull up a medical table that was kept in the Cave for these exact situations, Alfred was quickly helping the boys move Bruce.

“Quick get him down!” you are almost screaming at the boys, you glance at the floor, small puddles of the deep red blood scatter along the floor with small drips from someone else, your heart drops.

With a thud Jason and Tim manage to get Bruce on the table and Alfred retrieves the medical supplies he left close by.

“What happened?” trying to stay calm as you start cutting Bruce’s suit,

“It was a trap…” Tim grasped his own forearm where blood was rushing out.

“We need to get Master Bruce to a hospital I can’t fix all of this.” Alfred says in the calmest voice he could muster.

∞∞

That night was the last time you slept before your boys got back home, Bruce had ended up in the hospital because of a ‘car accident’ and you didn’t leave his side for two days until he woke up, you barley slept and only ate when one of the boys brought food in. Only once Bruce was awake did the boys manage to convince you to get some real sleep, another three days in the hospital and Bruce was released. That had been a few months ago.

Your eyes slowly close as sleep becomes harder and harder to fight, every one of your muscles feel like stone dragging you closer to sleep.

Just as your mind is about to slip into an unconscious state the door to your bedroom opened and you crack your eyes open and let out a silent yawn.

“Bruce?” you whisper.

You husband takes long strides towards you,

“Why are you still awake?” he moves towards the closet,

“You know I can’t sleep alone…” you whisper it was hard being Bruce’s wife sometimes, but he didn’t let anyone in, not even you so when something was wrong, he became closed off and more brooding until eventually he was just back to being your loving and kind husband.

Bruce walked out of the large closet with his pajamas in hand. You sit up in bed and pull the blanket to your chest.

“Did something happen tonight?” you ask silently,

“No.” As he changed you took in his figure and your eyes slowly rose to meet his and he cracks a small smile only just noticeable.

“Nothing really happened, its just been a long night and I missed my lovely wife.” lifting the blankets over his body he settles into the bed beside you,

“I miss you a lot when you are out…” another yawn escapes your mouth, moving closer to him you rest your head on his chest.

“I know sweetheart I’m sorry…but I’m here now okay? So go to sleep alright? I hate it when you stay up so late for me y/n it’s not good for your health.” Bruce gently whispers as he leaves kisses all over your forehead. Unable to stop the giggles you curl up against him.

“You’re just lucky I love you Mr. Wayne.” slowly drifting off to sleep.

“I agree, my love, I am very lucky.”

====================================

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[bunnakit]

Tharn hissed slightly at the twinge of pain in his abdomen, instinctively moving his hand to gently cradle and protect the spot. He hadn't expected the warmth of Phaya’s hand against the back of his or the way he so gently stroked his thumb over his knuckles. He wondered if he would ever get used to the way Phaya’s touch drew an electric current through his veins. 

“I'm… I'm sorry. You got hurt because of me.” he sounded so mournful, as if he was taking the weight of everything on his own shoulders. Tharn couldn't allow that, not when he’d acted entirely of his own volition, his own drive to keep the people he lov- to keep the people close to him safe. 

“It was just a coincidence. It wasn't your fault,” he sighed under his breath, wondering how many more times he could get away with calling it a coincidence, how many more times he would have to lie to Phaya. “I was just doing my job.” 

Why can't you understand that the thought of losing you is worse than any injury I might receive? I can't watch you die, I can't lose anyone else. My job is to keep you safe. 

Tharn watched as Phaya also sighed softly, clearly displeased with his answer in some way. His thoughts were interrupted as he watched Phaya’s tongue wet his lips, just the smallest slide back and forth. It was enough to drive him to distraction, to remember the way they’d tasted against his own that night in the garden. A goodnight kiss Phaya had called it. He wondered if a goodnight tasted the same as a goodbye. 

“Tharn.” 

His eyes snapped back up, meeting Phaya’s own concerned gaze and he swallowed down the guilty sensation welling up in his stomach. Why did Phaya bring this out in him? This constant craving for more he couldn’t quite suppress? Sometimes he felt like a different person entirely when he was around.

“When you got hurt I was really afraid you'd die. I don't want to feel like that anymore.” 

Tharn choked down the apology he wanted to give. He couldn’t apologize, couldn’t say he wouldn’t do it again. He’d do it as many times as it took to keep Phaya safe. This was his role in life, a role he’d accepted long ago. 

“I promise that from now on I'll always listen to everything you say. Please don't leave me.”

Oh. 

Those four words brought an insurmountable ache to his chest, one far stronger than the dull throbbing in his side. He’d been asked before not to put himself in danger, to worry less about making amends for his past. He’d never been asked to stay. Phaya could have said anything else, could have urged him to be safe, to be careful. Instead, he’d asked Tharn not to leave him. The words begged a thousand questions but Tharn found himself far too afraid of the answers.

“I'm not going to leave you. We're on the same team. How can I leave you?” The answer spilled out before he’d truly thought it through, one question sneaking past his grasp. And how could he? He finally felt whole, as if half of his soul had slotted back in place and allowed him to take the first full breath in his life. Perhaps he was selfish, but he couldn’t simply walk away from something like that, not now that he’d finally found it.

“What about… you thinking that I told Chalothorn about your dream?” Tharn still had no idea where that notion had come from, what had sparked such rage in Phaya. He would never divulge his secret, not when it was so very close to his own. He knew what Chalothorn thought of him, thought of his visions, even if it came from a place of gentle concern.

“Are you still mad at me?” Phaya’s anger towards him had been more painful than any knife to the gut. 

“Tharn.” 

The warmth of Phaya’s palm against his neck was startling at first, then comforting, and then impossibly confusing. Tharn couldn’t help the way his mind wandered to that fucking dream. The memory of soft purple lights and the warmth of the shower, of the gentle pressure at his back and the intoxicating squeeze around his neck. It lit a fire in his veins, clawing and hungry, and he quickly did everything he could to push it to the back of his mind once more, to give Phaya his undivided attention in the moment.

“I don't care anymore. I already told you, I'll listen to everything you say.” 

Tharn had to believe that, had to believe Phaya had forgiven him or perhaps never truly blamed him in the first place. Fear was a powerful thing, it could drive people to lash out, to blame, to hurt. He was only glad he still had Phaya's trust, the relief like a weight lifted from his chest.

“I'm sorry for being an asshole.” 

Phaya looked so repentant, so filled with remorse, and yet Tharn had never been angry with him. He ran his tongue along the inside of his lip, the taste of copper on the tip of his tongue as he ran it against where his teeth had cut into him. He knew immediately it had been an accident, had seen it in the way Phaya's face had morphed into quiet shock. No, he'd never blamed him for an instant.

“It's okay. I'm glad you're safe.” It was as much a reminder for himself as for Phaya, because the reality was Phaya very nearly hadn't been safe. Because of him. Always because of him.

Before he could overthink it he reached up and curled his fingers around Phaya's wrist. He wanted so badly to turn his head just slightly, to press his lips to the strong and steady thrum of Phaya's pulse. He settled for gently stroking his fingertips over the fluttering point, over the proof that he had done his job. He'd kept Phaya safe.

Slowly, Tharn lifted his eyes and met the intensity of Phaya's gaze. He was always struck by it, by the way it felt like he could peer past the cool facade he kept up, past the walls he'd erected to keep people from getting close. And perhaps he could, because each day it felt like Phaya brought a chisel to those walls and dismantled them brick by methodical brick.

He wanted Phaya, wanted to press their lips together, to linger in each other's embrace, to soak up the warmth of one another. It was a simple truth he could no longer deny, no matter how badly he wanted to.

Perhaps in another life they could have had that. Perhaps in another life Phaya was his and he was Phaya's and they loved with their whole selves. Perhaps in another life their story ended differently.

(disclaimer: none of this is from the novel, i haven't read the novel, i just like doing character studies of them and rotating them in my head like a skyrim loading screen)

[isfjmel-phleg]

After my presentation of the Secret Garden and CEN paper, someone in the audience asked about applying the lens of CEN to other children's book from the same era. I thought about it afterward, and the best example that came to mind was Anne of Green Gables.

Anne Shirley, before her arrival at Green Gables, has experienced CEN. It has played out in a much different way for her than it does for Mary and Colin in TSG, due to differences in social class, but the principle has been the same. As an orphan raised in homes that viewed her as an inconvenience and a sort of unpaid servant, she has never had an adult in her life who prioritized her emotional well-being, who took the time to be kind to her, to listen to her, to teach her how to function in the world beyond basic survival. She is aware that no one wants her after her parents' death, and she is made to feel guilty by her caretakers for having the audacity to exist and need to be "brought up by hand." It's difficult for Anne to even talk about these experiences when Marilla asks her. She's relieved to get relating them over with, because "Evidently she did not like talking about her experiences in a world that had not wanted her."

And then there's this exchange:

“Were those women—Mrs. Thomas and Mrs. Hammond—good to you?” asked Marilla, looking at Anne out of the corner of her eye. “O-o-o-h,” faltered Anne. Her sensitive little face suddenly flushed scarlet and embarrassment sat on her brow. “Oh, they meant to be—I know they meant to be just as good and kind as possible. And when people mean to be good to you, you don’t mind very much when they’re not quite—always. They had a good deal to worry them, you know. It’s a very trying to have a drunken husband, you see; and it must be very trying to have twins three times in succession, don’t you think? But I feel sure they meant to be good to me.”

Anne has clearly been mistreated, but she's describing--and pointedly not describing--suggests less of aggression and physical harm and more of something missing, an emptiness, a lack of love--CEN. Likewise, she herself exhibits some signs that can be associated with this type of maltreatment. Difficulty with emotional regulation, attachment problems, extreme sensitivity to rejection, negativity toward herself, excessively immersing herself in imagination (a mild dissociative tendency), anxiety around social situations (regarding how to behave correctly and whether people will like her), etc.

And in a way, the entire first book of the series deals with how she finds healing from her past of CEN, through gaining the love and acceptance of her new family, of friends, of an entire community.

From what little I know of L. M. Montgomery's life, CEN was likely a factor in her own upbringing, and it repeatedly features in her novels (The Blue Castle and Jane of Lantern Hill, for instance, in particular feature heroines who have experienced CEN) with poignancy. Montgomery paints moving portraits of how badly children can be scarred by a lack of love and affirmation.

Anyway, situating Anne's backstory as rooted in CEN helped me put my finger on one of the reasons that I felt that the recent series Anne With an E--at least the first season, which is all I've seen--misunderstood the nature of Anne's past. In this version, we see flashbacks to Anne's past, in which she is being viciously bullied by other children for her talkativeness and imagination. They even go so far as to stuff a mouse into her mouth, and the show suggests that Anne has PTSD as a result of this kind of treatment.

And yeah, Anne's childhood in the book isn't great and clearly has hurt her deeply, but this interpretation felt off to me. What Anne has to say--and not say--about her past in the book suggests not that she was targeted as an object of others' aggression but that she was disregarded. No one was giving her a second thought. That's not as dramatic and shocking as vicious bullying, but it's another, more subtle, insidious kind of maltreatment, just as hurtful in its way but harder to pin down. It's easy to portray a quick, sensational scene of our protagonist being obviously, overtly, grandiosely mistreated, but how do you show the gradual piling up of years' and years' of being treated like you don't matter? All the tiny incidents that chip away at one's sense of self-worth? The building of a worldview in which you must earn love and acceptance but somehow you can never manage it and of course it's your own fault?

And I'm reminded how recent adaptations and retellings of TSG shift the narrative toward grief, which is easy to dramatize, big and impressive and full of obvious pathos. It's an easy way out of depicting a subtler kind of suffering, and the same way, Anne With an E replaces Anne's CEN with bullying and PTSD. There is a place for such stories, but Anne's isn't one of them. It's almost as if there's an inability to understand or a reluctance to depict any kind of suffering that isn't big and grand and shocking. There are many ways that people can be deeply hurt, and it doesn't always look like a major traumatic event that's easy to pinpoint. Sometimes the hurt isn't a tidal wave that engulfs in a single devastating event; it's a slow drip that erodes oneself away little by little. That's closer to what is depicted for Anne, and Montgomery's other protagonists who have experienced CEN, and it's important to recognize what exactly is going on because this sort of thing still happens every day in the real world, in many forms, and it needs to be seen and combatted. And seeing this form of maltreatment play out in literature helps us recognize it and empathize with and reach out to those whom it has impacted--or possibly even to identify it in our own histories and search for our own healing.

[bucketsofmonsters]

Where the Light Enters - Part 16

Cole/Female Inquisitor

cw: unreliable narrator, hurt/comfort, slow burn, enemies to lovers, referenced noncon, happy ending, oral sex

word count: 4k

ao3 link

Masterlist

They were in that room for a very long time. People brought them food, Varric mainly, but other than that they mostly left them alone. 

Cole occasionally brought food to, sneaking out to grab her favorites. On those occasions, he ate too. He didn’t mind eating so much when it was food she loved, especially if she let him split it down the middle. He insisted that the two halves connected them. 

People occasionally attempted to drag Cole out, Solas gently leading him away and telling him he was better than this, Cassandra grabbing him by the arm and hauling him out. He always came back, picking the lock on the door to get in and relocking it from the inside. 

She didn’t mind the door being locked. There was nowhere she wanted to go. So long as they kept feeding her and let Cole stay, this was almost perfect, the safest scenario she could imagine for them. It wouldn’t last forever but for now she was far from opposed to it. 

People pretty quickly gave up on trying to keep him out, though no one but Varric seemed pleased with his presence there. 

Cullen was the first to come with anything but food. He entered the room absolutely reeking of guilt with a chessboard in hand. 

The guilt wasn’t particularly surprising. Cullen always had an air of guilt about him, even if she couldn’t imagine what he felt guilty about here. She wasn’t sure he knew how to feel anything else anymore. 

“Do you know how to play chess?” he asked as he set the board on their little table, lining up the pieces for her.”

“Yes,” she snapped. “I’m not eight, I know how to play chess.” She didn’t actually, but he didn’t need to know that. 

He backed up, looking a little disoriented and dazed. “Right, of course. Look, I’m sorry if I ever imposed on you, I never meant…”

She rolled her eyes. “You didn’t even do anything to me, what are you apologizing for? Impure thoughts?”

Cole stared through him, as the spirit was wont to do, and announced to the room, “He looked right through the mages. Regret before and anger after, all backwards. He likes that you’re angry now, it makes him feel whole. More people should be angry at him, shouting, screaming. He did it to them but no one will do it back.”

Cullen stumbled back, looking almost like he’d been slapped. “I should leave. I hope you enjoy the chess set.”

He left like he was running from her. 

“Well that was something,” she said, as much to herself as it was to Cole. The instinct to write it down, to catalog the revealed weakness of Cullen’s, washed over her and she realized with a pang of distress that she couldn’t. 

She let out a quiet groan at that and Cole perked up, his head tilting in a silent question. 

“I just realized I’m going to have to remember things like that now,” she said with a huff. “I’m not good at remembering. It gets all jumbled and I can’t keep track of it all.”

“I can remember it for you,” he responded, his eyes lighting up. 

“What?”

“I’m better at remembering now, after the change. I can remember it for you. Like Varric does with people’s stories.”

“It’s a little different than that,” she said with a laugh.

“Not really. It’s something important to you and I will remember it.”

“Alright,” she said softly, trying not to reveal any emotion in her voice. “Thank you.”

He nodded, sitting at the chess board as he deemed the conversation over, positioning himself behind the white pieces. 

She sat across from him. “Black goes first,” she said, and attempted to move her queen out in what she was pretty sure was an illegal move.

Cole moved her piece back, which she was even more certain was not permitted. “She doesn’t want to be there. Try again.”

The game was practically incoherent. Cole would occasionally correct her pieces, she presumed trying to keep the moves legal. This only lasted so long before he began trying to get his pieces to fly across the board next to another piece, insisting they wanted to be near one another. 

Once he tried with one of her rooks and she’d simply taken the piece. He looked so sad about it that she moved his back on the board, insisting that he just couldn’t use it anymore. He seemed content with that. 

It became clear pretty quickly that they were both trying to get all four of the horses, although Britches was decidedly more aggressive about it than he was. 

All of his pieces that she captured went into the ‘torture chamber,’ grilled for information on Cole’s tactics in excruciating ways. 

Cole watched the pieces, eventually declaring, “It’s so cold. He wonders if that's part of it, if even the air is meant to hurt in here. It makes the chains so cold they burn and sometimes, he practically craves the fire. At least before, for a moment, he can pretend he is warm.”

“It’s not fun when you do that,” she said, dropping the agonized pawn with a huff.

Cullen returned a few hours later and she could practically see his tail tucked between his legs.

He looked down at the chessboard and then cocked his head, untensing a little as he analyzed the familiar game. “He’s won,” Cullen said. “Your king has been taken.”

She shook her head. “I still have a horse left, it’s never over until all the horses have been taken. Am I ungrounded yet?”

“You’re not grounded, you’re not twelve.”

She laughed. “I assure you, this is nothing close to what being twelve was like.”

Cullen shifted uncomfortably at that statement, moving past it as quickly as he could. “Are you doing alright? You don’t need any food?”

She shook her head. “Cole brings me plenty, I don’t need you.”

“Right,” he said, dropping a piece of bread that she hadn’t realized he was holding on a nearby table. “I’ll leave this here anyways.”

Cole insisted upon eating the bread, saying it was brought with good intentions, that it was a peace offering. 

She stared at him as she ate and then, all of a sudden, she declared, “Pop quiz time. What do you remember about Cullen?”

He looked up, seeming disoriented, before speaking with his mouth still full of bread. “Everything sticks. The bad thoughts linger but good actions never seem to, undone just as easily. They stick to him but not to the people who matter, the hero with unsaved victims. He likes when you yell. He thinks he deserves it,” He finally swallowed when he was done, looking proud of himself. 

She nodded, content with his answer. 

Josephine came next, barely an hour after Cullen’s appearance, no food in hand to offer as a peace offering. 

Her voice was colder than she’d ever heard it before. “You will be banned from all diplomatic missions in the future unless strictly supervised. We will work together to undo the damage you did and then you will be transitioned out of the public eye as much as possible, only appearing when strictly necessary.”

“Thank god,” she said, sporting a grin. “Can we ban me from non diplomatic missions next?”

Josephine left without so much as another word, having said everything she needed to. 

Left with nothing better to do, they played another bastardized game of chess. 

“I think Cullen likes me more now, like this,” she said as she moved one of his pieces back, hoping he wouldn’t notice. 

He did notice, but seemed content to just move it back as his turn, like they were in a game of tug of war. “He does.”

Like he’d been listening at the door, Cullen took that as his cue to enter. 

“What are you doing here?” she asked, voice far harsher than it needed to be. “Why are you obsessed with me now?”

He stammered out a response before promptly exiting, not even staying behind to do whatever he’d needed to do. 

Her head whipped around towards Cole as he left, a delighted look on her face. “Was he into that?”

Cole nodded, staring down at the chess board before moving one of her pieces halfway across the board. “It came with guilt too. It always does. Your turn.”

Sera came in through the door midway through the game, completely unannounced. She didn’t really seem like she was meant to be there, she doubted anyone had signed off on it. 

She thought back to the meeting and realized that Sera had been the only traveling companion of hers that hadn’t come. She couldn’t help but wonder if no one had invited her or if she’d refused to come. Both seemed equally likely.

“Are you really crazy?” she asked, eyes flicking nervously towards Cole. 

She shrugged. “Maybe.”

“Right, and Blackwall said your name is Britches now?”

“Frankly, you can call me whatever you’d like. Clearly I am not picky.”

Cole interrupted, declaring, “Her name is Britches though.”

She rolled her eyes but didn’t correct him. 

Sera’s eyes flicked between the pair of them. “Are you two really together?”

“We are. Do you have a problem with that.”

“Not really. I mean, I don’t know why you’d want to date Creepy but to each their own. I kind of suspected anyways.”

“You didn’t tell Bull,” she noted, the closest she could get to saying thank you. 

“I didn’t. Didn’t want to get you in hot water. Figured he’d find out when it was time. Guess it was about time.”

She laughed a little at that. “Yes, I guess it was.”

“Right. Anyways, I’m not here to chat, I’m a messenger.  Blackwall said to tell you that if anyone tries anything with you, to let him know. He said he’d handle them for you.”

She nodded. “Tell him I said thank you. And that his past doesn’t define him or whatever, I don’t know.”

“It doesn’t,” Sera said, steadfast, “He really has changed.”

“I know. He’s always been kind to me. Kinder than most.”

“Good,” she said with a nod. “Just wanted to make sure you knew. You can go back to your boring game now.”

She left through the door and didn’t bother to lock it up again. It didn’t really matter, Britches had no intention of leaving. Still, the gesture was clearly intentional and it warmed her heart a little. It was a way out, a quiet way to look out for her. Just in case. 

She drew her attention back to the game, seeing that Cole technically had her in a corner, simply removing one of his pieces off the board to rectify that problem. 

Eventually, they gave up on chess. She’d won every game by making up rules and there was only so long that could be entertaining. 

Cole had switched to braiding her hair as she laid across his lap. They didn’t have any hair ties on them and Cole didn’t feel like leaving so he simply braided and unbraided endlessly. 

After a while she flipped onto her back, pulling her hair out of his hands so she could look up at him. 

“We are just stuck in here,” she said, batting her eyes up at him. “We could always find a way to entertain ourselves.”

He looked down at her, amusement shining in his eyes. “You’ve never been straightforward in your life,” he said accusationally.

“Oh sorry, what would you rather I say? Would you like to eat me out to pass the time?”

“Yes,” he said, his pupils blowing wide. 

He had them flipped in a matter of seconds, lips pressing into hers.

She wasn’t as nervous as she had been the last time they’d tried this. There was a quiet understand that had begun blossoming between then, the casual touches they exchanged settling her in a way. 

And he always stopped the second any amount of doubt or fear clouded her mind. The stopping never came with anything else, no apologies or explanations. It simply stopped and they moved onto the next thing. 

This time, however, he stopped for no reason before they had even begun. No doubt had flickered through her mind, he’d seemingly just decided they were done. 

“What happened?” she asked, propping herself up against the headboard.

His face was panicked and she moved towards him. He backed away and looked almost scared. 

“Did I do something?” she asked softly, fear tugging at her gut. “Did I hurt you?”

He shook his head and muttered, “I didn’t want to tell you.”

“Tell me what?”

“It’s been fading. I can’t see in everyone’s heads, it’s harder to pull it out. It’s stopped completely with some but never with you. Now I can’t see in. I don’t know when to stop.”

“Hey,” she said, reaching for his hand. This time he didn’t pull away, squeezing her hand back as she intertwined their fingers. “I can tell you when to stop. I’m a big girl, I promise I’m capable of that.”

“You never told them.”

You,” she said, putting an air of finality into her voice, “are not them. Nor could you ever be. I swear, I will tell you the second I want to stop. Do you trust me?”

He froze for a moment and then lunged at her, pulling her into a deep kiss. 

He kissed down her body slowly, looking up check in every few seconds. She supposed this was close to what he did normally, his typical methods of checking in had just become unavailable to him. 

She couldn’t help but wonder what other parts of him were changing, slowly and steadily, in this new form. 

And then she stopped wondering as he nosed at her crotch through her pants and her mind went blank. 

He was moving too slowly and she went to tug her pants down herself, impatience running through her. 

“We have nothing but time,” he said, looking up at her fondly. 

“Perhaps, but my patience is not infinite.”

He grinned and then, with no further adieu, dove between her legs, lapping immediately at her clit, grinding down into the bed as he did, a wanton moan muffled escaping him, muffled by her skin. 

She was in no less desperate of a state, arching up into his face, hands grabbing desperately at his hair. 

He ate her out like he wanted to consume her, sloppy and intense in his ministrations. 

There was more desperation in it this time and she guessed he’d spent a lot of time thinking about it after she’d given him permission. 

His hands wrapped around her ass, pulling her up into him with a shocking amount of strength, holding her up to keep her at the perfect angle. 

His tongue only dipped inside her on occasion, in his desperate attempt to taste everything she had. He mostly focused on her clit, a technique she was sure he’d stolen from someone’s mind. 

As soon as he pulled a quiet moan from her, barely more than a whimper, he doubled down, clearly desperate to pull more noises from her. 

He managed it, whimpers and moans slowly shifting, turning into pleading to not stop, to stay right there, just like that. 

And then something inside her snapped and her body went taut. He carefully worked her through it, holding her up as her hips rolled into him. 

He laid her down gently as she came down, pulling her pants back up before curling into her side. 

And she gave him nothing in return. Not this time. She didn’t have to. 

They were still cuddling, legs entwined, when Dorian came into the room. Britches quickly righted herself, trying to make herself look presentable, while Cole seemed unconcerned with anything other than laying on the bed, trying to tug her back over to him. 

“You certainly seem comfortable,” Dorian said with a laugh. 

She shrugged, trying to flatten some of the wrinkles on her clothes before declaring, “If you’re here to ask if you can get with Bull, the answer is yes. In fact, the answer is please do. I’ve been wanting you to for ages but I didn’t want to blow my cover.”

He paused, seeming taken aback by this. “Right, I wasn’t…”

“Oh please, yes you were. Listen, I don’t want him and you clearly do. I am not blind, Dorian. Go crazy, you have my permission. My encouragement, even.”

“Alright,” he said, clearly deep in thought. “I suppose I will keep that in mind.”

And then he left and Cole pulled her back into his side. His hands ran gently down her sides and it didn’t take long before she was lulled to sleep.  

She woke up, as if in a nightmare, to Bull’s voice. “She made me hurt her, tricked me into it.”

“She was scared.”

“We’re all scared sometimes. It’s not an excuse. I looked at her the other day and I didn’t even know who I was looking at.”

“She was doing the best she could. I can promise you that. She could have thrown you to the wolves and gotten away with it and she didn’t. She’ll never admit it but she’s changing. I love it when she’s rude or mean now because every time she is, she is trusting you not to hurt her for it.”

“It’s rude to gossip, you know,” she called out, having heard more than enough from the two of them. 

She opened her eyes and watched Bull freeze as Cole drifted back over to her side, sitting on the bed by her feet. 

“He just wants to talk,” Cole said quietly, and she reluctantly believed him.

Bull still looked upset, although certainly less upset than he had last time she’d seen him. 

She looked him over, all broad shoulders and jagged scars, and sighed. “You were never really a brute, were you?”

He laughed, sounding more good natured than he had any right to be. “No. But that’s what spies do. You probably should have guessed it.”

She huffed, a little upset by the idea. She’d done the best she could. “It doesn’t really matter. You acted like a brute, and so really, I was right.”

“Whatever you need to tell yourself. And you weren’t really some damsel.”

Privately, she thought to herself that she was a damsel, definitionally speaking. But she supposed not in the way that mattered to him so she said, “No. But you knew that already. Do you have anything new to say to me?”

He shrugged, and he almost looked sad. “I guess not. Just wanted to see you. It doesn’t feel right, all of it. I haven’t slept since you got locked up, you know.”

“That’s not my problem. Not anymore.”

“Right.” he said, before going quiet for a minute. The next time he spoke, it was hesitant. “I think I’m going to try it with Dorian.”

“Okay?” she said, baffled by this entire conversation. “What does that have to do with me? You want me to give you my blessing?”

“Yeah, kind of. I guess you didn’t ask for mine, but then again, I’m a better man than you.”

She scrunched up her nose. “Whatever. Fine, you have my blessing. I already told him to go after you anyway.”

Bull snorted. “Probably for the best he turned down that threesome, huh? Would have made things even messier.”

Her brow furrowed and she reeled back a little. “The what?”

He seemed very intrigued by her reaction which made her incredibly nervous. “You know about it. We talked about it, hell it was in your book.”

“Oh. Well, sometimes I have a hard time remembering stuff. Especially things that matter. That’s why the book exists at all.”

“The things that matter? Like the hard stuff?”

“Yeah, I guess,” she said with a shrug. 

“You know,” he said, speaking very tactfully. “I’ve seen this before. In my men, after hard shit. The head trying to protect itself by throwing out memories, with or without your permission.”

She rolled her eyes. “No, not like that at all. I can’t just forget things without you pretending like I’ve been to war, absolutely absurd. Now what, why are you really here? Was it really just for a heart to heart?” she asked. 

“You know it wasn’t. They’re letting you go back into the field,” he said. “I made them let me be the one to tell you.”

Her eyes narrowed. “Why? What do you want from me?”

“Just wanted to see you,” he admitted. “And maybe I wanted to drag you out there myself. I don’t blame you, I’ve thought about it for days and I don’t think I have it in me to blame you, but I still want a little revenge.”

She rolled her eyes. “Whatever. If I’m going back into the field, here are my terms. I demand at least ten bodyguards, perhaps more if it’s a dangerous spot. And I want every rift mapped out before you ever bring the mission to me, no more aimless wandering. That’s grunt work for less important people. Oh, and Cole goes on every mission with me, that’s non negotiable. And no more deserts, I’m done with deserts.”

And then Bull laughed, eyes crinkling as he did, and he picked her up, throwing her unceremoniously over his shoulder. 

“You know,” he said, keeping her steady as she squirmed and yelled various expletives at him, “I think maybe I would have liked the real you.”

“There’s still time,” Cole said, walking happily alongside them. 

“Yeah, I guess there is.”

[storiesofsvu]

Thursday Funday!

IM SO FUCKING READY. Sometimes I do wish that rita appearances weren’t like.. advertised. I really do want an episode where I am fully not prepared and she just waltzes on screen with no warning. Like.. I’d die…

Okay, what a cold opening that was, creepy and obsessive and I like it.

“just because we can do something, doesn’t mean we should.” Accurate.

I both like and hate the way AI is brought into shows now, like it’s being showcased as something that’s not great most of the time but it’s also just scary the shit they come up with that it does/can do and that stresses me out man. Its fucking terrible.

Jfc the height difference between shaw & the lieutenant LOL she so smol.

Why does olivia always look SO much better on the OTHER law and order shows except for her own.. like… cmon guys, do better

Okay the last time a captain used a rape kit dna to find a perp olivia SCREAMED in her face LOL.  But also yes this is a VERY big issue that will make victims not move forward or get kits done. But also WHY isn’t there a SEPARATE and PRIVATE database for rape kits to be a part of??!!

FUCK

(yes rita just showed up)

Oh she is BACK baby. Oh god… this is giving me theories and so many ideas of not only the gap in time that she’s been on the show (aka in court) and the drastic different physical appearance. Oh man. Oh fuck. This is gonna be my only thought all fucking weekend. Why must I go to work?!

Oh sweet jesus fuck. The delivery of the line “someone who has been *raped* before” from rita made me feel things deep in my soul (and they are things that only confirm/further my thoughts, woof) (not to mention further comments from olivia, oh god there is SO MUCH SUBTEXT HERE!) (gifs & my theories to come later this weekend!!)

We are SO BACK.

LIKE, the little quips, the head tilts, eyebrow raises, ugh YES. The acting/characterization is exactly how it should be and SPOT on.  First suit was meh, second suit was fucking fire (and pretty similar to one of the ones she wore in 25 acts). I don’t want this to be over. PLS let her come back more often.

Also this episode is honestly super good plot and writing and pacing wise so I’m here for it.

I honestly REALLY do enjoy that mothership is basically Nolan getting a strip torn off of him by women he works with every week LOL

Olivia PLEASE. If it was casey who’d gotten that guilty verdict you would’ve come in screaming. Nolan deserves it.

Rita’s suits are giving very presidential and I am here for it.

Tbh I really hoped the girl would get off but I was also very certain that wasn’t going to happen.

Why is it over already? I need more. I need so much more LOL.

Svu time…

Guys for a solid hour there I fully forgot Velasco existed. Like.. Joe who? I only know Ms Calhoun.

I’m like.. 99% sure he’s not gonna be in tonights ep LOL. Who ever would have thought of a day where I was more into OG than SVU lol

Not just a judge but a *federal* judge. Well fuck.

OP! there he is!

Yeah this is one of those super fucked up situations. I lowkey called it from the start when she said “why do you remember more about my childhood than I do?” esp when she’s the younger sister. Trauma= memory loss.

Not me sitting here going “man I really wish there was more cop/investigation in this episode” cause like, I am lowkey bored and wanted more Velasco and kate content. When 97% of the time I’m yelling “MORE COURTROOM” lolololol. This was Scanavino’s time to shine.

Bruno looking fine af though

God this shit is so fucked up.

Shoutout to peter for killin in this episode. Glad they finally gave him something to work with.

I WILL say that I do miss the courtroom sass, from ALL the lawyers. Like, a lot of people focus in on Barba being the sassy one but like, literally all the ada’s have the same if not more sass. Ms Alex “you can have a toothbrush” Cabot. Ms Casey “you’ve just got funky sperm” Novak. Do I even need to quote something from SONYA?? (ugh man I miss her, maybe I’ll watch some old svu after this…) And I’m not saying Carisi lacks this, cause he’s got it, especially in the older seasons when he was a cop. The writing is just lacking nowadays. Give them more personality PLEASE.

VERY heavy Olivia focus tonight, especially between both shows.

Still feels weird to have 4 hours of l&o cut down to only 2. Like.. what am I supposed to do now with the rest of my evening? It’s only 8? I’m just gonna sit  here in silence and fixate about rita for 9458504540549i4923 hours…

[buckysgrace]

28. In the End

Part 28 of Every Little Thing!

Gator Tillman x Fem!Oc

Gator makes a quick decision and finds out some troubling news.

CW: Violence (shooting), death, mentions of blood, mentions of pregnancy

He didn’t know why he let things bother him so easily. 

At this point he shouldn’t care that Munch had gotten away. It was a draw in some sort of way. They weren’t admitting defeat, well, at least he wasn’t. Roy was a different story. He hated that his dad didn’t trust him.

Even more than that, he hated how on edge he felt. He was always looking over his shoulder, sure that it wouldn’t take long before Munch left a warning sign at his door. He didn’t know how to explain that to Daphne, or how to keep her safe. He had nearly asked Roy to send some of his people to his house, before he realized that Daphne would freak out. And then he’d have to come clean. 

He returned early after the meeting, still feeling a jittery sensation of anger still coursing through his veins. He’d huffed on his vape until his lips were chapped but it didn’t seem to do much of a difference. He was still pissed. 

He listened to the way the snow crunched underneath his boots as he rolled his shoulders around. He tilted his head back and forth, his neck stiff from all of the stress that was lingering against his bones. This case was dragging him down and he hated it. 

He entered the house slowly, sighing deeply as he hoped for a better day. He knew that he was stressing Daphne out too. He wanted to tell her the truth, but he feared that he’d scare her away. He didn’t want to lose her again. Not when he’d just gotten her back.

“Hey you,” He mumbled as he bent over to give Birdie a few soft pats on his backside. He mewled in protest before he took off in a flash of fur. Gator shook his head as he kicked off his boots, then removed his coat, “What are you two doing?” He asked curiously, tilting his head as he looked at the twins who were rolling around on the living room floor. 

It was then that he heard the dry heaving, the sound of rough coughing coming down the hallway. He moved quickly, his heart hammering roughly inside of his chest as he once again feared the worst. The door hadn’t been locked. Munch could have appeared and he would’ve never known. 

“Daph?” He asked as he knocked at the door, feeling concerned at the way she kept gagging, “Are you alright?” He felt sick as he waited for the longest time, fearing what sight may greet him as he rattled the door handle. 

“Just a minute!” She shouted in response a second later, sounding miserable before he heard her start to dry heave once again. He paused, trying to think of what might help her. 

“Are you coming down with something?” He asked her, feeling a little worried as he pressed his ear against the door, listening as she spit once again. He felt guilty, knowing that he had left her on her own for too long. No wonder she was getting sick. 

He listened to the sound of the toilet flushing, then of the water running for the longest time. He rattled at the door again, only feeling relieved once she pulled it open. She was scrubbing a spare toothbrush against her teeth. He watched as she bent over to rinse her mouth out, sighing deeply before she stood and held onto the counter. 

“I’m fine,” She said as she pulled her hair up over her head, sighing as she rubbed at her lower back, “Just got a little nauseous.” She shook her head, still looking pale and green as she patted at his side. She moved past him, walking faster towards the living room to check on the babies. 

“You sure?” He asked her, feeling worried as she wiped the top of her forehead. She nodded, taking a deep breath before she reached for him. He held onto her just as tightly before he brought his palms against her cheeks, trying to determine if she was sick or not. 

“Yeah. I’m fine,” She nodded her head softly as she squeezed at his bicep, “I didn’t know you’d be home so soon.” She rested her cheek against his palm, inhaling deeply as he continued to rub his thumb against her clammy skin. 

“It’s okay,” He told her quickly, “Why don’t you go lay down for a while?” He asked her seriously, feeling really guilty suddenly. He was sure that she was stressed, even if she didn’t want to admit it. She was doing a lot on her own suddenly. It wasn’t supposed to be like that. 

“I’m okay, really,” She smiled as he kissed the top of her head, “I’m glad that you’re here.” He hummed in response, letting his lips linger against her skin for a long moment. He missed her too, more than he was sure that she realized. He hated the long hours that he spent away from her. 

“Me too,” He said softly as he twisted at the loose strands of hair that fell around her face, “How about we just make a frozen pizza tonight?” He suggested as he pulled away with a smile. He thought that it would be nice just to sit with her for a while. He didn’t know when he’d be whisked away once again. 

“I can cook.” She defended herself, wrinkling her eyebrows together as if she was determined to do so. He nodded, knowing she was fully capable of doing so but wanting her to relax as well. 

“I think pizza sounds good,” He dismissed her a second later, “I can get it. Seriously, it’s fine.” He grinned as he moved away, popping the freezer door open as he thought about something to lighten the mood. He wondered suddenly if soup would be easier on her stomach. He could warm up a can of that too. 

When he turned around, she broke down. She crumpled in front of him, her palms covering her eyes as her shoulders began to shake from her rough tears. He tossed the frozen pizza aside, stunned at her sudden outburst. Usually he could tell when she was close to tears. 

“Why are you crying?” He asked her worriedly, trying to move her hands away from her face so he could look at her better, “What’s wrong?” He asked her softly, still prying her hands down as she continued to blubber. 

“You’re just working so hard and I’m just struggling to keep the house clean and now I can’t even make you dinner.” She babbled out, hiccuping as her breathing came out in rough spurts. He raised his eyebrows high on his forehead, trying to get her calmed down before she spurred into a panic attack. 

“What are you talking about?” He asked her, laughing in disbelief as he tilted her chin up to face him, “You always do a great job. You don’t have to do any of that.” He told her seriously, feeling even worse suddenly. He never wanted to make her feel like she was in that position. He thought that her not working would be best while she was still recovering, perhaps it wasn’t. 

“What else am I supposed to do?” She sniffled, “I just don’t know where the time went today.” She held her hands up to her head, the same way she did before she’d start to tell him she was acting dramatic. He didn’t think that at all. He was worried for her. 

“Hey, it’s okay,” He told her seriously, nodding his head as she continued to let out quick, rapid breaths, “You’re doing a lot. Much more than what you need to. It’s okay.” He pulled her in close, wrapping his arms around her waist as she continued to hiccup. 

“I’m sorry,” She mumbled into his chest, almost setting him off on his reassurances again before she spoke up, “I’m just emotional and maybe a little stressed. I’m okay.” He kissed the side of her face, observing the way her hands shook as she reached for a tissue. 

“Once this is over with,” He started softly, “We’ll take a little vacation, yeah?” He’d been thinking about it for a while, but he was even more determined to do it now. She needed a break. She was drowning in a completely different way than he was. They needed each other.

“You’ve never been out of the midwest.” She laughed as she wiped at her eyes, looking like it was an impulsive thought as she began to brush the tissue against her red nose. He smiled, thinking that the color matched her hair. 

“Well, impress me,” He grinned as he rubbed at her cheeks, “Pick somewhere nice.” He told her seriously, knowing that he would go anywhere with her. They deserved this. 

“Okay,” She nodded her head softly, “The twins like car rides.” She said a second later, nodding her head like it would be a good idea. He laughed, glancing over at the two babies as they continued to play in their own little bubble. 

“They do,” He agreed with her, “It’s all going to be okay.” He promised her, tucking a few pieces of hair behind her ears as he dragged his eyes to her glossy ones. They were bright, almost as startling as the icy rivers he’d seen before. 

“I love you.” She said softly, blinking her eyes as she leaned against him. He hummed in response, his heart hammering to the same beat as hers. He would never feel this way towards anyone else. She was the most important thing to him. 

“I love you more.” He told her softly, resting his chin on top of her head as he thought of a way to fix this messy situation. It wasn’t pretty, but he needed to get it done. He couldn’t let them suffer anymore. 

-

Sleep didn’t come to him that night. No matter how intensely he listened to Daphne’s soft breathing, her sleepy lullabies as he held her close to his chest. His cheek fell to the top of her head as he sighed deeply while the guilt ate at him. She was so stressed she was getting sick and it was all his fault. 

She had drifted to sleep earlier than usual that night, but he hadn’t complained. She had woken briefly, just to protest about him carrying her up the stairs to which he ignored. She was still light, even if she didn’t believe his words. He had her all tucked in, soft reassurances whispered before he went back down to settle the twins in for bed. 

He had held them for far too long, too tightly but in all honesty he was afraid. He kept thinking of how easily Munch had broken into Roy’s house, how he had left a warning without anyone seeing him. He’d killed someone. And they still didn’t have him. Not yet at least.

He gave both of the twins a soft kiss on the cheek, letting himself linger for just another moment as he watched them slumber on. He ensured that the baby monitor was on, then that the windows were locked before he had crept down the hallway.

He tried to forget as he pressed himself up against Daphne, inviting her into his arms as she slept blissfully. He kept playing with her hair, trying to get a better look at her. She had a small dusting of light freckles on her face, but no moles unlike the rest of her body. It was almost fitting, like they were two missing puzzle pieces. 

“M’sorry.” He whispered into her hair, knowing that she couldn’t hear him. He accepted her soft sighs as her forgiveness before he untangled himself from her limbs. Then he got to work.

The basement had unofficially become his, a lot of it doing with the various work things that he had hidden down here. He figured that deep down Daphne knew that something was up, but just brushed it aside. He claimed the other things were for hunting, working out. It was a bitter reminder of his old room.

He let his thoughts drown out from the sound of the heavy music playing, flaming his anger and irritation as he held his gun between his legs. He always kept all of his guns locked up, knowing that one day the twins would be old enough to snoop. But things would be different by then. 

The gun was new, but not something that he didn’t know how to use. He preferred them like this if he was being honest. Big and bulky. Strong. He liked the way it felt in his hands, how it gave him some sense of power when he felt like he had none. He was a good shot too. A damn good one. 

He stopped at the foot of the stairs, peeking up to ensure that he heard no sounds of movement as his fingers lingered at the foot of the stairs. He stared up for a moment, reminding himself that it wasn’t too late to put his gun away and undress. To crawl back into bed and join Daphne. He couldn’t. Not when she wasn’t safe. 

It was late, cold as he drove about. He stared at the tracker that was beeping in the seat next to him, narrowing his eyes as he drove through the neighborhood. He couldn’t go too slow, but not too fast either. He needed to seem as natural as possible to keep from alerting anyone. Not that anyone should be awake at this hour anyways. 

“Got you fucker.” He mumbled as he leaned over, peering at the silhouette that was rocking back and forth at the top window. The tracker beeped obnoxiously as he pulled to a slow stop, confirming it was Munch before he searched for a place to park. 

He moved quietly, tossing his hat aside before he gripped his gun. He found a spot at a safe distance, a tree giving him just enough covering as he eagerly thought about how he was going to make all of this end. He wouldn’t have to stress about the safety of his family anymore. No one would be on edge. Roy would be proud of him. It was perfect.

He adjusted the scope on his gun, before he pulled it up to his eye to get a better look at the man rocking in a mirror. He thought it was a bit peculiar for Munch to be up so late, but then again he was an odd man. Just a man, despite what Roy’s men wanted to whisper about him. Those were fairy tales, told to keep children from getting into trouble. 

He aimed it correctly, holding his breath and calculating when Munch’s head fell back with the chair. His finger felt heavy on the trigger, cold and bitter before he pulled it. The sound of glass shattering fell into the night air as he squinted his eyes, confirming the faint look of flesh and blood on the walls. Munch’s head fell backwards, limp. It was over.

He narrowed his eyes as he stepped forward, walking into the frigid air so he could gather the other part of the tracking device. He wouldn’t leave a mess in his trail this time. He would show Roy that he could clean up nicely, make it look like no one had been here. 

“Fuck!” He hissed, wincing to himself as he caught his foot on a sheet of ice. He steadied himself, grumbling at how clumsy he was. That’s all he needed was to show up with another bruise or a broken bone. Daphne really would wrap him in bubble wrap then, “No fucking way.” 

Gator turned towards the cracked window in disbelief, confirming that Munch was still lying lifeless as he glanced back at the bag of money in the backseat of the car. He had just left it out in the open, for anyone to find. It was too good to be true.

He rattled at the doorknob, confirming that it was locked before he walked around to the other side of the car. Munch was dead and now he’d be able to repay Roy. Everything had fallen into place, almost too perfectly. 

He did a cautious glance around, ensuring that he didn’t see anyone before he took the butt of his gun and jerked it through the window. He did a quick motion around the window, ensuring there were no sharp pieces of glass sticking out before he set his gun on the top of the car. Then he squeezed himself inside.

Right when his fingers wrapped around the bag, about to pull it free he felt something hard against his back. He yelped, nearly smacking his head against the roof of the car as he held his arm up to protect himself.

“Thief! Monster!” She shrieked, eyes wide and full of anger as she delivered another blow to the side of his arm. He held his elbow up, groaning as he caught the motion of an orange flying from the corner of his eye.

He grabbed her, trying to push her back and separate the two of them before it escalated much further. But it didn’t seem to matter to her as she continued to scream, her white hair flaring in the wind as she pounded her fists against his arms. Then her feet against his shins.

And then she went flying, falling harshly and landing with a sickening crunch underneath him. Limp, silent as blood pooled out from her skull. He stared for another moment, something bitter forming in his stomach before he quickly turned. He had to get out of here. 

He grabbed his gun, the money and tried to calm his senses before he glanced back at her. Still lying there. He’d killed her. Not on purpose. But he was the reason she was dead. And then he fled. His crime scene was no longer neat like he had intended. Fuck.

He drove back in silence, puffing away on his vape until he was positive that he would need something stronger to soothe his nerves. But he knew he couldn’t do that, not when he’d have to face Daphne. But she wouldn’t know and neither would anyone else. He could still pretend that things were alright. Even if he felt sick on the inside. 

He hid the gun in the back of his truck, deciding that it would be safer in there than to tug it back inside. He’d return it in the morning, when Daphne was distracted and he could sneak the money in. He’d wait until some time passed before he handed it off to Roy. 

His hand shook as he unlocked the door, immediately greeted by a picture of him and Daphne on the wall. She was smiling, her eyes bright and lively as she looked ahead. He vaguely remembered her teasing about him not smiling for the photos, but now he wished he had. He was happiest with her, he hoped she knew that. 

“Where were you?” Her voice sent chills up his back, making him jump in a similar way Birdie did when he got frightened. He quickly locked the door, wincing as he turned to look at her.

She was resting in the arm chair, her robe pulled tightly around her waist as the TV buzzed lowly in the background. Her eyes were narrowed, expression filled with anger as she waited for him to speak. Shit.

“I had to check in on something,” He mumbled softly, “About the case.” She looked at him for a long moment, tilting her head as she inspected him. He huffed lowly, knowing that she wasn’t a fool. She knew something was off. It would just be if she brought it up or not. He prayed she didn’t.

“You’re not in your uniform.” She pointed out, sitting forward slowly as she rested her elbows on her knees. She clasped her fingers together, squinting her eyes as she waited for his explanation. He thought of the old woman again, of the way her blood soaked the concrete after. He gulped hard. 

“It was a quick check in at the station,” He responded, feeling odd as he took off his boots, “I just had to run some things over.” He kept his eyes pointed down at the floor, knowing he was screwed if he met her eyes. He couldn’t lie to her. 

“It’s been four hours.” She told him, her tone shaking in disbelief before she began to cough. He snapped his eyes towards her quickly, suddenly worried again. He wondered if he should take her up to the ER. 

“You’re still sick?” He asked in concern as he moved forward. He reached to move her hair out of her face, but she jerked away from him. He frowned, feeling as if he’d been slapped. She was angry with him. 

“Something like that,” She said softly, “Where were you?” She asked him, shaking her head as she looked up at him worriedly. Her eyebrows were knitted tightly together, her eyes swimming with different emotions as he watched her. 

“I told you,” He said a little stronger, “I had to run some paperwork about the case.” He shrugged his shoulders, wishing he could be a little more brave in his answer. He was fucked. She was going to find out everything that he had done. All of the bad things, the terrible things. She would hate him and she would leave with their kids. He really did feel like a monster suddenly. 

“Are you seeing someone?” She demanded harshly, her voice cracking with emotion as she rapidly blinked her eyes. Her question took him by surprise, making him blink in shock as he tried to focus on what she asked. Is that really what she thought? There was no one else but her. 

“What?” He asked her, almost laughing again as he shook his head. He furrowed his eyebrows, certain that he heard her wrong. He felt like he was dreaming. She thought that he was cheating on her? It was almost funny. No one even compared to her. He wouldn’t ruin what they had. 

“You’re gone all the time,” She said softly, her voice shaking as she spoke, “Are you not happy?” Her bottom lip wobbled as she looked up at him, making his heart clench tightly in his chest. He felt awful. The way he felt towards her was unlike how he’d felt for anyone else. 

“No, God no,” He shook his head as he walked towards her, quickly taking her hands in his as he knelt in front of her, “There’s no one else. It’s just work. I promise.” He swore to her, shaking her hands gently as he begged her to look at him once again. He wanted her to know that he was sincere about this. He would never do such a thing. The thought itself made him sick. She’d done so much for him, he’d never dare betray her in such a way. 

She nodded her head, not holding eye contact for very long before she turned away. She shifted her hands away, making her robe a little looser around herself as she kept fidgeting with her fingers. He felt a little sick, knowing that she had been more insecure than usual. He didn’t want her to feel worse about herself. He loved her. Every curve and little inch.

“Daphne,” He spoke more sternly, “There’s no one else. There’s just you. I swear to you. This case is just taking up a lot of our time. You mean everything to me.” He took her hands again, peppering his lips across her knuckles. He’d stay on his knees forever and beg if it made any sort of difference. He couldn’t lose her. 

“I just wanted to make sure you’re still happy.” She whispered underneath her breath, her blue eyes full of tears as she looked at him gently. He exhaled roughly, wondering where those thoughts even came from. He was so happy. 

“Of course I am,” He said, shaking his head as he rubbed her cheek softly, “I have you. I think you were made for me, ya know.” He told her seriously, gripping her cheek tightly before he brought his lips upon hers. He kissed her deeply, hoping that she knew just how much he meant his words. 

“You’re silly.” She said a second later, sniffling as she wiped at her eyes again. He brushed his nose against hers, suddenly a lot more terrified of losing her and their kids. He had to stop what he was doing. This was his final straw. 

“I’m serious,” He grinned as he looked at her, “No one feels like you. No one makes me feel the way you do. You’re fucking perfect for me.” He told her seriously, wondering if this would be the right time to propose. Something told him that it wasn’t just yet. 

“Stop,” She mumbled, looking a little embarrassed as she looked away, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to accuse you.” She shook her head, looking a little pained as if she was dumb for suggesting it. He didn’t want her to feel bad. He knew he would’ve been suspicious in her shoes too. 

“I should’ve told you,” He corrected her as he pressed a kiss against her bottom lip, “Let’s go back to bed, okay?” He asked her softly, ignoring her protests as he picked her up once again. She squealed softly, holding onto him as she turned towards him.

“You’re going to hurt yourself.” She warned him, but he quickly shook his head. She was still light. It didn’t bother him. Besides, what good was he if he couldn’t carry his future wife up the stairs?

“Not true,” He grinned as he carried her up the steps, “I’m going to be just fine.” 

-

He woke up before her the next morning, deciding it was more than alright to let her sleep in. She deserved that. He hadn’t slept much anyways. Maybe an hour or two. He kept thinking about the old woman.

Then again, things would be safe now. Munch was gone, but his family was safe. That was what was important. He’d already decided he wouldn’t let himself get so involved in the case with Nadine either. Not when he could get hurt. He needed to be here for his family. 

He made the twins breakfast, figuring that eggs were easy enough as well as slivers of toast and mashed bananas. Piper held her nose up the whole time, leaving him to dig for another jar of baby food that she would enjoy. He wasn’t sure where she was getting her picky behavior from. 

“Do you want some?” He laughed, watching the way Knox was staring intensely each time he brought the spoon up to Piper’s lips, “Here.” He reached over, topping Piper’s discarded food onto his tray instead. Knox gobbled it up greedily, looking quite proud as he secured his second plate.

“Dada.” Piper cooed, all sweet and kind as her lips curled into Daphne’s same smile. It made his heart ache as he admired her. He felt guilty again, fearing that he may miss some important milestone with the time he’d been gone.

“Yeah?” He replied sweetly in return, watching the way she happily chewed down on her food. He watched the way Knox kept pressing his fingers into the mashed bananas. Piper reached across at the same time, securing a handful of eggs between her fingers, “You’re both messy.” He teased, deciding that they must be full if they were playing. 

He went into the bathroom that was near the laundry room, tugging the door open as he pulled a wash rag free. He let the water run for a moment, warming it as he tugged his vape free from his pocket. He cursed as it slipped out of his wet fingers and scattered across the floor.

He huffed in irritation, kneeling to grab it before something caught his attention. He stared at the box before he pulled it out of the empty bag it was resting in. It had been discarded in a rushed manner, not hidden very well at all.

His heart stopped beating for five whole seconds as he looked at the box, then at the little test on the inside. He exhaled deeply, cursing underneath his breath as everything suddenly clicked into place. Why Daphne had been so sick, so stressed and emotional. Fuck. 

He walked back out, hearing Daphne’s calm voice as she worked on cleaning Piper’s hands. Knox was already on the floor, draping himself over a giant pot as he scooted his little feet about.

“Hey,” Daphne glanced towards him but quickly looked back to Piper as she picked little pieces of egg out of her hair, “I think her tooth came in last night.” She responded as she looked down at Piper’s mouth, trying to get her lips parted so she could fully see. 

“You’re pregnant.” He said simply, holding up the discarded box as he shook his head in disbelief. He couldn’t believe that she’d keep it from him. Why would she hide this?

“How did you-,” She paused as she looked at the box, “Oh.” She stared at it for the longest time, looking like she was struggling to come forth with some sort of answer. He tilted his head, not understanding why she’d want to hide it away. 

“When did you take this?” He asked her softly, wondering when she would’ve told him. She inhaled deeply as she picked Piper out of the high chair before she set her on the floor. 

“Two days ago,” She said softly, “My period was late.” She stood slowly, her eyes holding guilt as she slowly raised her eyes up to face him. He frowned as he thought about it. 

“Why wouldn’t you tell me?” He asked in disbelief as he tossed the box away in the trash. He moved past her, scrubbing his hands clean as he did his best to calm himself down. He knew why she kept it a secret. He just didn’t want to confront that thought right now.

“You’ve been so busy,” She blubbered out as she wiped at her eyes roughly, “And I didn’t want to bother you anymore when I was such a mess yesterday. And now I’m crying again. I can’t stop crying and it’s so frustrating.” She sniffled as Piper patted at her arm, looking panicked at the way she was crying. 

“I’m never too busy to help you,” He told her seriously, feeling guilty as he dried his hands off. He didn’t want to make her cry again, “You’re just feeling overwhelmed.” He told her truthfully as he gripped the towel in his hands. This wasn’t the best time for a baby, but apparently God had other plans. 

“I am,” She said gently, “Is this bad?” She sniffled, looking like she was afraid of what his reaction would be. He frowned, feeling like this was just another piece of their dream. He was lucky, so lucky. 

“No, no,” He said quickly, though he wished it wasn’t with everything else happening, “It’s fine. It’s great.” He told her a little more enthusiastically, really meaning his words as he pulled her into a tight hug. She melted against him, shivering against his touch. 

“The twins aren’t even a year old yet,” She breathed out quickly, her body tense as he rubbed his fingertips between her stiff shoulders, “What are we going to do?” She asked him seriously, sounding worried as she rested her cheek on his shoulder. 

“We can handle it,” He told her gently, although he was worried about her becoming too overwhelmed, “I’ll be here to help.” He promised her, suddenly afraid that she may work herself too hard and lose another baby. It would be harder this time around, especially if her pregnancy was difficult again. 

“I know I’m just-,” She exhaled roughly, “I’m scared.” She didn’t have to say much to let him know that she was worried about the same things. He brushed his thumb across her cheek, determined to take care of her. 

“I am too,” He told her honestly, “But we’re prepared for the worst this time. Why don’t we finish watching Golden Girls?” He suggested with a smile, knowing that it always put her in a better mood. He’d put his phone away, forget about what he was supposed to be doing in Roy’s eyes. Daphne needed him. 

“What about your case?” She asked pitifully, sounding worried as she quickly shook his head. He wanted to take care of her, to be with her today. 

“They can figure it out without me for a day,” He told her gently as he tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, “I want to be with you today.” He told her seriously as he admired the freckles along her pale skin. 

“I feel bad-,”

“Stop,” He told her, holding onto her gently so she couldn’t focus on the stress, “Don’t feel bad. What do you want for breakfast?” He asked her instead, observing the way her eyes kept drifting away from him. 

She watched him for a moment, looking like she wanted to say more but nothing came forth. He leaned forward to kiss the top of her head, feeling her attention slowly drift away once again. 

“Daphne,” He said softly, gaining her attention as she looked up at him again, “Do you want a fried egg?” He asked gently, hoping that he could give her some sort of reassurance today. 

“Yeah,” She nodded her head as she bent over to pick up Knox who had begun to grab at her pajama pants, “That sounds really good.” She held Knox to her chest, smiling as he began to chew on his fingers once again. 

“I’ll get Piper,” He told her gently, “You go sit down and relax.” He told her seriously, only picking Piper up once Daphne was resting on the couch with Knox. He walked over, putting her feet up before he gently sat Piper down next to them. He situated them with toys before he went back to work, determined to make her the best damn fried egg she’d ever had. He was a shit cook, but he was certain it couldn’t be that bad. 

“What is the case about?” She asked him softly as she munched on her food, breaking off little pieces to feed Knox. He waited with an open mouth, looking rather happy at the aspect of getting fed even more. Gator shook his head as he wiped some of his drool away. 

“Nadine,” He said at last, “Her prints came in the system.” He decided there was no point in hiding it. He didn’t want to be a hypocrite. She had told him her secret, so he’d reveal his. Part of it. 

“Oh,” Daphne looked at him surprised, “So, what is the case then?” She shook her head, looking a little stunned before she broke off another piece and fed it to Piper this time around. So much for her having her own sandwich. 

“What do you mean?” He asked as he turned his attention towards her more intensely. He thought it was fairly obvious. 

“She’s fine, right?” She asked softly, “So why are you looking for her?” She shook her head, looking genuinely confused as he parted his lips, a little dumbfounded. 

“She’s married to my dad.” He reminded her, drawing the sentence out slowly. He knew that she remembered Nadine. She had been there after the wedding too. There was no way she had forgotten. 

“When she was seventeen,” She pointed out, “I mean, have you ever thought about that?” She questioned him again, raising her eyebrows as she put a fresh spin on it. He had thought about it a lot, but there was nothing to say. Nadine had agreed to marrying him. He was silent for a second, wondering if she knew about their fathers wanting to marry them when they were just teens. He wondered if she would’ve agreed to it. 

“What are you saying?” He asked her in confusion, trying to make sense of everything at once. It was suddenly overwhelming. There was a tight grip on his chest, making him feel sick. 

“Just that she was young,” She replied slowly, “And she may not want to come back.” She told him gently, like she was the one breaking the news to him. He knew that Nadine didn’t want to come back, but that wasn’t her choice. She had made a promise. 

“Why would she not want to come back?” He felt a little bitter as he asked the question. Nadine had run away with no issue, after promising she wouldn’t leave him. She deserved to live here. She belonged here. 

“Did he ever look for your mom?” Daphne flipped the question on him completely, making him fall back against the couch in surprise as if he had been punched. He almost felt like he had been. 

“I-,” He paused as he heard his phone ringing, “I’ll be right back.” He shook his head, needing a quick breather as he walked towards where his phone was ringing in the kitchen. He paused, feeling a little nervous before he answered it. 

“Where are you?” Roy’s voice was rough and stern, irritated as he waited for Gator to answer. Gator chewed on his bottom lip. 

“Uh, yeah about that-,” Gator started slowly as he glanced over his shoulder at where Daphne was resting with the napping babies, “Today is my day off. I don’t think I can come in.” He replied under his breath, watching as Daphne gave the rest of her sandwich to the twins. 

“I got her.” Gator’s eyes flew open at Roy’s words. He parted his lips in shock, almost sure that he had heard his father wrong. There was no way. How had he done it so easily? He didn’t understand. “What?” He asked, trying to keep his voice low, “How?” He mumbled, suddenly not sure of what Daphne would think of this whole ordeal. He’d have to keep it a secret for right now, just to protect her. 

“At the hospital, she had an accident,” Roy replied, his voice stern and low, “Get here with backup. Now.”  He stared at his little family resting on the couch, watching as Daphne smiled and repeated something sweet to the both of them. Knox’s smile grew first as he bursted into giggles, following behind PIper who fell towards Daphne’s chest.

“Yeah, about that,” He paused softly, “I’ll try and make it up there soon, alright? I’ve got some-, dad?” He stopped, pulling his phone away in disbelief as he realized Roy had hung up on him. He shook his head, feeling worried. 

“Everything okay?” Daphne asked him once he returned, wrinkling her eyebrows as he joined her on the couch again. He nodded his head, knowing it would be too difficult to bring up his issues at the moment. It wasn’t important. They were.

“Yeah,” He replied gently, “Everything is fine.” 

[1d1195]

I LITERALLY SPENT ALL DAY READING HONEY DURING ALL MY FREE TIME AND UGHHHH☹️🫶🫶🫶🫶 THEYRE SOOOOO CUTE my goodness when he went down in the towel, PLS SHES SO MUCH STRONGER THAN ME I WOULDVE FOLDED FASTER THAN A LAWN CHAIR✋

I WAS SO SCARED THEY WERE GOING TO TAKE BABY CECE🥺 but MC was too smart for them so ofc not. THE HALLUCINATING ??? AND HIM BEING THE REASON SHE GOT OUT ???😭😭😭 GOSH i can imagine her telling him that after some time and he just…. bawls. because that is SO precious. AND HOW SHE KNEW IN SOME WAY THAT HE WAS CLOSE BY UGHHHH

IM PRETTY SURE I GOT THAT PAPER KITES SONG RECOMMENDED TO ME ON APPLE MUSIC BECAUSE OF PAINT AND HOW MUCH IVE LISTENED TO IT SINCE U SENT IT SO I KNEW I HAD TO SHARE, SO GLAD YOU LIKED IT <3333

(i know EXACTLYYYY what you mean. like, i can love a song and listen to it all the time but the second i hear something too much on the radio its just…no. HAHAHA. ALSOOOO THERE IS DEF SOMETHING ABT HIS SONG LET IT GO BECAUSE I WENT THROUGH THE SAME THING)

honestly i don’t even know, everyone is probably so done with me and my bs. i don’t want to sound ungrateful because things are so awesome but i just have NOT been feeling myself here at all. i don’t want to go out anywhere or see anybody, im so done with being perceived😭 the people we know are just wayyy to judgy, talking to them is literally draining. i’m always soooo tired, for some reason my hormones are different here and i went through the. ABSOLUTE. WORST. PMS-ING. LIKE… TERRIBLE. and things with my dad are :/// (when are they not though pfftt) i feel like my days are the same?? the only thing that changes are my outfits but i have this weird feeling like my life is on pause when it should be the opposite. i’m feeling veryyyy nostalgic for fall-winter last year.

i LOVE enjoying the little things, it really does make your day-to-day life just a little better. shifting your closet is soooo cool girl, i feel like you just get to enjoy the different times of year more wholly, you know ? COFFEE HERE IS TERRIBLE IM SO JEALOUS I MISS MY DAILY ICED COFFEE😭😭 and gilmore girls is ALWAYS right🫶 i hope you find time to read soon, other than a fanfic here and there i haven’t been reading either, i brought a bunch of books with me that are literally just sitting on a shelf. BUT I 100% GET WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT READING A CERTAIN PART OF A BOOK JUST TO FEEL SOMETHING, i am unfortunately VERY guilty of this😞🫣 wishing you and your book boyfriends a very happily ever after 😉 AHH NOT A WEDDING😭😭😭 HAHAHA i do hope you end up having a ton of fun tho. and is it just me, or is there always a certain, something in the air when it reaches this time of year?? just a different kind of craziness than the rest of the year.

you are an absolute sweetheart and I WANTED TO TELL YOU, MY SISTER ABSOLUTELY ADORED LOVE & OTHER WORDS. LIKE, SHE WAS OBSESSED WITH IT. and i was all “omg yeahhh a friend recommended it to me☺️😌” BECAUSE WE AREEE FRIENDS !!!

i think the ranting got a lil out of hand so i’m sorry about that but THANK YOU FOR BEING SO AWESOME AND FUN TO TALK TO, IM SENDING YOU ALLLLL THE LOVE, MWAHHHHH

~🎶

Ma'am you give me some of the best ideas for check-ins. MAKING HARRY BAWL HIS EYES OUT IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE PAST TIMES. She's way stronger than me, I would have pulled that towel clean off and had a different kind of breakfast.

Idk how many hours it's been but I haven't moved on from this Paper Kites song, I'll check back in when I move onto Gregory and James.

Things can be going well and you can still feel out of sorts. I really struggle with going out and being social. I have a pretty small social battery. Also dads are the worst more often than not. I'm convinced. My bf was telling my best friend some stories about some of my rage fits I've had in the past (they still happen but they're not as bad as of late) and I'll tell you exactly what (WHO) the common denominator was in each story. Are you still out of the country at this point? Will you be coming back home soon(ish)? I honestly feel like you're homesick, maybe? Being on pause is difficult. It adds to the drained feeling. Hopefully something changes so you can get back into the swing of things and start feeling less stuck 💕

My sister did a semester abroad in europe and I know europe specifically is weird about ice. Or maybe I'm just INSANE (obvi) because I love ice so much. I want my drink cold. I probs use more ice than liquid but I don't even care. ANYWAY. Upon reading more of your message, I kind of feel like you're going through iced coffee withdrawals and if you had one all your emotions would be cured (I hope you're reading this sarcastically because of course I'm joking because I know it's more than that, but I'm hoping you know what I mean). I'm almost certain coffee fixes everything.

Me and my book bfs will def live happily ever after. The -ber months are so busy. It's insane. There's def something in the air.

I LOVE THAT SHE LOVED IT AND OF COURSE WE'RE FRIENDS 💕 I sincerely think it's one of the best books I've ever read. I had an idea to write about Harry based off it. Maybe one day. It's lost to the drafts along with a 100 other things I want to write 😭

This is a ranting blog and there's no such thing as out of hand. I'm so happy to hear from you. I was missing you so much 💕

xoxo

[thr-333]

All in all, it got me thinking so much, did F!Leo never think that without him the brothers might have become completely different people?

Maybe they would have felt all their lives that they were missing Junior? They felt a great longing for someone they didn't even know. Maybe it would have changed them. Would they ever be able to forgive F!Leo for taking their brother away from them?

Yes I’m so glad you  brought it up because you see I have been doing some thinking on how this would actually affect the family. I did mention something about an its a wonderful life scenario. So prepare for my ramblings good citizens!

To talk about how the boys were affected you first have to talk about Splinter... Yeah he did not handle the loss of his son well at all. He spent a lot of their early years out looking for Leo jr. Who he could never find and eventually gave up, believing he was dead. This made him super paranoid and he will pack everyone up and force them to move every few months at random with no warning. Admittedly I haven't thought much about his personal arc that will come with time suffice to say he is even more neglectful than in canon.

Raph has DID in this au because I made an entire comic about it so clearly I’m obsessed with the idea. Raph as 3 alters Red(inspired by Red.Angel.Of.Preventing.Harm), Savage and Raph himself, Mind Raph’s role has sort of been replaced(we’ll get to that). Savage is obsessed with finding ‘blue’ he will front and go out scouring the sewers for him, during that time it’s not safe for anyone to leave the lair. Raph is very much like what he is in canon except he fronts less sharing the body between Red and Savage more often and is somehow more anxious and  pressured to protect his brothers. In place of Mind Raph he has a vision? Hallucination? Straight up Introject Alter? of Leo jr as a child who acts very bright and bubbly, a representation of the little brother he couldn't protect. Red has the same except his version of Leo is as an older teen who mocks him for his failings as a brother. His Leo represents the brother they all need, someone who could do a better job than him who could actually keep the family together. Red resents Leo jr for the hole he left behind in the family and his own projected issues. Feeling incredibly guilty for blaming a most likely dead kid for his own short comings. Red is the only one that ventures beyond the sewers after Splinter stopped, doing supply runs and the like.

Mikey in this is still trying to play the role of family therapist but is getting tired/burnt out from it. All his attempts, strategies and plans always fail or get shot down so he is halfway to giving up. His attitude is less upbeat because of this leaning more towards Dr Delicate touch. The only one really willing to spare him time is Raph who smothers him so Mikey keeps trying to distance himself. He yearns for independence(or to just get out of the lair away from the stifling negativity there) but he’s not allowed to go to the surface. So usually when Savage isn’t out and about he is going around painting the sewers. Mikey’s only confidant and support by their teen years is Leo jr. When every things too much and he’s alone Mikey will just go lie down in the room that they have always had set aside for leo and talk to their air. He likes to pretend Leo jr is the brother he needs that he never had, that believes in him that would help bring the family together for movie nights and to have fun.

Donnie is practically a stranger to the family. He never leaves the lair and rarely leaves his lab, too paranoid that someone is going to come back and take him or the others next. He spends his time making weapons and fortifying whatever lair they have set up in. No one in the family really understands him the way his twin would have and with barely getting to spend any time with him they don’t know how to accommodate him. Splinter picking them up and moving them every few months sets him off like nothing else not only is he out of the safety of the lairs he had fortified but he has to get used to a whole new environment, readjust with little to no warning. Which(speaking from experience cough cough) can be really hard, especially when you’re Autistic. He will often have mental shutdowns or meltdowns just needing to hide himself away under a desk or in a closet  for hours to calm down, this is a bi weekly event. He doesn't morn Leo junior the way the rest of them do, more so fears the unknown of what happened to him. That mourning period comes after they meet(because come on I’m going to make them meet at some point the fluff and the angst potential is too much) where he can grieve what could have been.

So all in all it’s going to be very hard to forgive the man that took their brother away.

[icharchivist]

I kinda can't stop thinking about Noa finding out his older sister, meeting her children and being like happy and all

But then, by extension he meets Lucifer, which is fine and nice experience, BUT he also meets Belial, Lucilius and Beelzebub and all their drama because of that.

Unfortunately I don't remember more about Noa, I just know he is really pretty and has history with Rackam and yet I still wonder about that

Honestly, it can be both canon and youtuber au or something else

Noa is one of my fav chara and especially my fav from the Main Story plotline, i genuinely cry everytime he has content, so this was done For Me and For Me Specifically.

Honestly him being established to have been created by the same astral as Cosmos does fuck me up because from what we know of Noa, he was pretty much active during the Astral occupation. At the time he followed his duty very closely and he was made to push people to make ships, and so it translated to how he used to basically guard slaves and push them to work. Until Noa gained enough free will to realize just how fucked up the situation was, and gave the slaves a way to escape.

(we learn all of that in his Grand FE when we discovers that a group of ex-slave that had escaped got stranded in an island in the Grim Basin, and had since then created a whole religion around Noa, whom they call a firm God, who yet decided to save them all. Noa is greatly uncomfortable with all of that and tries to tell them to give up on the cult but Rackam joins in the convo to talk about all the good things Noa has brought and all. It's legit just 10mins of Rackam going "heres why Noa is amazing and you shouldn't *worship him* but if you're going to appreciate him appreciate him for who he is now rather than how his masters forced him to be at the time").

This is a huge part of why Noa keeps a low profile and doesn't meddle with humans much. He feels extremely guilty for his involvement in the Astral occupation, and now he only wants to inspire people without actually acting much on them.

Meeting Rackam changed a lot of things because Rackam immediately was taken with affection for Noa and promised him that they'll meet again and travel together and nothing could tear them apart, except he made this promise on "You're Forced To Keep All The Promises You Make Here By Magic" Island, so Noa got really affectionate with Rackam and especially want to stay by his side and support him in his dream to be a great Skyfarer, if only by making sure the Grandcypher will always be up to Rackam's standards.

If anything it tells us that Cosmos's creator, who created her at the time Lucilius's made the archangels, was also involved as a colonizer during the Astral occupation.

It's also interesting to think about that due to the fact that, by all account, Noa was up until now considered one of the first "War time Primals" who broke free from his purpose in order to carry on his own free will. now it raises the question, was he created thousands of years before and therefore it's why by the war he could break free? or would eventually his creator have affected the way he could eventually evolve from it? Would the fact Cosmos probably would have a specific relationship with him due to their shared creator means eventually she could have affected his desire to break free during the war, leading her to then meet up with Lucifer? Or is it the opposite, and Noa breaking free from his purpose because it was making him miserable, influenced Cosmos to join Lucifer after the war because she knew it was possible for the Primals to move on?

It also does bring a dynamic concerning their masters, that is different. Cosmos carried the will of the Astral who created her so much so she couldn't break free from her purpose until we "killed" her. but Noa did break free and did keep a low profile before his master even left the Skyrealm. They have a different implied relationship to the Astral who created them.

And while i don't have the details of the FE, Noa being the one who manages to influence everything in order to bring Cosmos back, this time to give her an opportunity to grow as herself away from the impulse of their Astral? feels poetic in a sense.

SO YEAH i actually feel strongly about that addition as a major Noa girly.

As to how it would influence canon or AUs, i need to think a little more about it, for now i'm gathering like, the canon infos we have and how to connect them before going into AU dynamic.

In the Youtuber AU i feel like it could eventually set Noa up as a little more distant to the core family because he's the one who rebelled hundred of years ago, and while he doesn't begrudge Cosmos for not breaking free, he can't exactly be here unless she is ready to move on as well. He's the runaway kid that probably had influence over Cosmos but mostly just had to break free and do his own thing.

Also in a modern AU i feel like Noa could work as a mechanic of some kind, especially specialized in boats, but anything can do.

But the whole thing about Noa is that he likes to keep a low profile, he doesn't want to be on the fullfront because he genuinely resents the time he was pushed to be the one giving orders. So i actually feel like Noa would not actually want to have a Youtube chanel of any kind.

I feel like he could appear in Rackam's videos once in a while though like, Rackam is doing some mechanic videos and Noa hangs out in the background, and he just smiles cryptically and doesn't specifically talk a lot, he keeps a low profile and all of that.

So for the audience it could be jarring when one day, after Cosmos and her family properly separated themselves from their creator, Noa appears quickly in one of the video. Maybe he comes to check in on Yuni, or make sure Cosmos is alright and stable. He doesn't want to stay too long, especially not in front of the camera.

But now people are just "who the FUCK is he". he's the local Youtube Cryptid.

As for how he would meet the rest of the wmtsb gang i don't know how to connect it all just yet. we'll get there. Eventually.

That's my take so far.

Anyway stan Noa.

[kmp78]

I know this subject has been talked to death, but the fact that it comes up every few days is probably why I need to spit my thoughts out. I want to like JL. I want to think that besides some things just being his flaws, that there are explanations out there that I just don't know. I want to give him innocent until proven guilty and the benefit of the doubt. I don't want the ick. But I just need some inkling of how he ended up with VK that makes sense or sounds reasonable.

There are people saying VK knew what she was doing, and that's entirely possible. But, she knew what she was doing from the mentality of a teenager. Even if a talent agency or her mom tried to pimp her out to validate the escort theory, JL was still a man in his 40s. Plenty old enough to have the sense that it was wrong and to not agree to it. I understand that he has always ran with a younger crowd, and it's okay if he identifies better with a younger generation or if his active lifestyle and clown-ness pair better with younger friends. No different than if he was the younger friend because he fit in better with those older. Being in your 40s and being friends with those in their 30s is not uncommon or weird...

But how did an adolescent fit in? Even his 30-something friends were too old to be hanging out with an under 21 VK. No one thought it was wrong that she was always tagging along at 18? 20? No one sat him down and discussed his mid-life crisis-like choices? That article about him gaga over GTGT states that friends were concerned with the age difference, and she was at least mid-20s by then. None of them seemed to feel the ick? They all look like they brought her in like she was one of them. How?

It's not like she was overdeveloped or looked old for her age! Her twig arms and legs were still awkward on her body. She had a teenager's face even when fully done up for a shoot. She had no butt or curves and a tiny chest. Even her short haircut added to the child-ness of her look. And we've seen some of her child-like behaviors in their time together. And if the age gap wasn't enough of a barrier, there were language, cultural, and life experience barriers as well. How did HE end up involved?

I want someone to learn that he took her away from an abusive family member. That he was saving her from the ick! That in those early years he was protective like Claire described him about MSCL. Or I want someone to tell me that she was a beard to hide who he was really seeing and to help launch her career. That they did become great friends and much much MUCH later it turned into something between them. Or even that it never did, they just parted ways because she wasn't getting younger and had met and fallen for Dims so he moved on to GT either as his new beard or as an actual gf that people could see because he's older and doesn't care as much about secrecy.

I don't want to accept the ick. I don't want to think that he was of sound mind, old enough to know right and wrong. That he chose to ignore laws, morals, his own internal "this isn't right" sense of ick. That he ignored anyone's questions or concerns. That he did, in fact, groom her over the years all because of some lust. Some attraction that he didn't even try to refute. I can't. 😭

Intriguing points and questions indeed... 🤔

Personally I think you're just gonna have to accept the ick, cos...

Well, you're just gonna have to. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[ann-hanover]

Fueling a Fire Part 1

I made this little concept a couple a years ago. I really loved the way there conversations flowed. It was about 15 pages long so I made sure to cut it up into two different pieces.

With a flick of a lighter, the joint was lit, smoke pouring out of it. The smell of grass graced the air, filling her lungs with the pungent scent. Truth is, she didn’t mind it much anymore. The smell of it or the way it made her smell, she just cared about the way it made her feel. She brought up the round casing, putting it in her mouth, and taking a drag of the devil's lettuce. 

It had been a few months of this. She would watch the soccer fields for an hour or so waiting for any type of movement. Most of the time, classes on the field were done all that was left were the yardwork people cutting the grass and touching up the white lines. And like clockwork, around the fifth period, the hard-working men would drop what they were doing so they could eat. They usually ate inside, which they weren’t supposed to do according to school rules. Yet, she watched the few workers disobey the school's policy and walk into the cafeteria, purchasing themselves lunch. At the same time, she would go out to the soccer field, quickly ducking underneath one of the bleachers. 

No one ever caught her, not when it started and not now. She was thankful for that. She didn’t have much joy in life besides this, so she was thankful. She took another hit, her head feeling light and shoulders loose. It was just her and her joint like it always should be. 

“Is that a joint?”

Then her solitude was interrupted, she nearly jumped out of her skin too.

“Who’s there,” she says, head in the clouds. 

She hides her joint, just at the hem of her shirt. It’s not completely hidden, and neither is the smell, but it did the job.  Amelia looks around for a moment, not a single person in sight. Was she hallucinating?

“I’m up here,” the voice says again. 

Her gaze shifted to above her, someone was sitting on the bench right above her looking down at her. 

“Fuck,” she mutters under her breath.

She had been caught, at school too. That couldn’t mean anything good at all. For a moment, she had a guilty feeling. She knew she was doing something wrong, of course, but it just felt too good to pass up on. The school was too stressful for her. Not something she personally cared for either. To some, this educational prison was the best possible place to be. They had many opportunities, so many friends, and even good grades. That wasn’t Amelia though. 

“Calm down,” the voice starts. 

With a metal thump, the voice was standing, not walking down each bench. Amelia’s skin crawled, the sense of impending doom overtaking her. She was screwed. Slowly, the person bends over. Climbing under the bleacher with her and coming up right next to her. It was a teenager, not a teacher or lawn worker much to her disbelief. It was a teenage boy, not one she knew or cared about, he was staring at her wide-eyed. More specifically, eyes trained on the joint sitting at the bottom of her shirt. 

“If you give me a hit, I won’t tell anyone you were here.” 

Amelia chuckled, biting the inside of her cheek a bit annoyed. 

“This is supposed to be me time,” she says, sternly. 

She takes another hit, this time blowing the smoke at him so he can smell it. And trust me, he could smell it. The boy doesn’t move, instead, he reaches his hand out to her waiting for her to hand him the joint. She does so, reluctantly, unsure of who he is. But she guessed it was a better deal than getting reported to the school and potentially getting expelled. He takes a long drag, his head falling back. The feeling the weed provided washed over him immediately. 

“What’s your name,” he asks, breaking the silence. 

Amelia liked the silence, after all these sessions was just her and herself. This time it was different, she sighed to let him know how unwelcomed he was.

“Amelia, call me Amy.”

He passed her the joint back nodding his head slightly at her answer. She brought it up to her lips letting the blunt hang out of her mouth slightly, smoke piling into her mouth. The earthy flavor settled on her tongue like a mint would. 

“Who are you,” she asked, rather unfriendly.

“Jameson.”

Her brows furrowed for a moment. 

“Jameson?”

He nods again, taking the joint back from her and savoring the flavor himself.

“Dumb name,” she laughs. 

“My parents are a bunch of alcoholics,” he says, coughing a bit. 

“Ah,” She chuckles. “That makes more sense now.” 

They stayed silent for a moment, both embracing the new unspoken friendship that they were developing. 

“Are you high,” Jameson says, softly. 

“Yes.” Amelia is staring at a bug in the damp grass, wiggling around. She’s so entranced by it. Everything about the tiny worm pulled her in, the way it moved or even its flesh-like color. Jameson laughs at her, poking fun at her cluelessness. 

“You are definitely high.” 

He bursts out in laughter, holding onto his tummy in comfort. She scowls at him. 

“And what about you,” she mocks. 

She raises a hand up to his face, sticking two fingers out. “Have you seen your eyes?”

Jameson stops laughing, his face dropping immediately. He pulls out his phone and, more importantly, his front-facing camera feature. She was right, his eyes were practically swollen and crescent shapes. 

“Shit,” he drags out, studying his eyes. 

“Shit indeed,” she giggles. “Looks like we’re both screwed.”

Amelia had reached out her smallest finger, poking the slimy worm underneath her. It wiggled and crashed against her finger, flipping out at the very touch of her skin to its. 

“Do you do this often,” Jameson asked. 

Jameson finished the joint, savoring the last of the stifling material. He swallowed the smoke, the gas touching the back of his throat and choking him up. He coughed the remaining stuff out, leaving Jameson to catch his breath. 

“What, smoke under the bleachers? Or smoke in general?”

“Either,” he says, rubbing his throat. 

Amelia thinks for a second. She didn’t know if she should lie about how often she does this. After all, most people are judgemental about weed in the first place, and she didn’t know if Jameson was an exception. 

“Every day, all day. If I can help it at least,” she says, crushing the joint underneath her foot. 

He nods, taking that in. He didn’t know too many stoners, not that there were many in the school in the first place. Most kids were strict and straight-edged. Most adults were that way too. Weed is a sin, at least that’s what the haters seem to think. 

“Are you always here around fifth period,” he asks. 

“You ask a lot of questions,” I groan. 

She turned her head to face him, and Jameson went slack-jawed. Unsure what to say in case he already offended the girl in front of him. He was staring at her in depth, looking deep into her eyes waiting for her next move. She gulped slightly, uncomfortable at his gaze. After all, she didn’t know him and didn’t want to. This was a one-time thing and she had to share her joint with him. 

“Look,” Amelia starts, getting up from the ground. “I’m gonna go back to lunch. You go wherever.”

Amelia didn’t wait for him to say anything, she just started to walk away. His words are unimportant to her at this very moment. As she ducked underneath the bleacher bench, she turned one final time to the boy sitting on the ground. 

“If anyone finds out about this, you’re dead.” 

Jameson didn’t find that threatening, but for her peace of mind, he just nodded his head writing her off. Watching her duck and run across the soccer field to the school across the street. He knew he was going to be back under these bleachers again.