#and don't even get me started on my health. my body. my mind. my family and relationships. everything is going to shit.

[mosspapi]

The amount of stress and sadness and fear and grief and anger I have been feeling for the last two months is. Astounding. And what's worse is I haven't even actually felt any of it. I just know it's there, somewhere my brain won't let me see it, waiting to tumble out from its precarious stack in the dusty closets of my mind and and knock me down at the most inopportune moment.

[ivesambrose]

Your 2025,

Happy New Year my loves 🤎

Frost & Fortune | 2025 Readings ✨

Services Offered

Client Love

Thank you for the tip 🎀

Picture 1

your central theme for this year deals with self expression, creativity, romance, children or your inner child as well as your health. You'll be refining your daily routine and approach your life with more structure and purpose instead of spontaneously doing what you want. A lot of you may have struggled with creative burn out or procrastination in the previous year but you'll be pushed out of your comfort zone when it comes to that. I see that some of you will sit down with yourself and really ask, "will a much younger and naive and vulnerable version of me truly look up to me or be happy with what I've become and who I am as a person?" In this question you'll find your answers and the changes you need to make. You might be a bit critical of yourself initially but understand that constrictive criticism towards yourself and making and effort afterwards is also a healthy thing to do. Some of you might even turn a turn a possible passion into a part of your daily life this can be getting a job that you're truly happy about it something that lets you fit in what you want to do into your daily routine efficiently. You might face situations that will test your resilience. You'll learn how to not emotionally lash out in situations. Keep your cool and decorum and navigate accordingly. You'll also learn how to pick your battles carefully. relationships will be significant focus. You'll learn who to associate with, who not to, how to show up for yourself and the significant people in your life. How to establish boundaries between you and the ones you consider acquaintances as well. Not everyone is your friend and shouldn't be. Some of you might be interacting with a lot of people possibly for career related purposes. Learn when to unwind, detach and take time solely for yourself. Don't fall into the trap of people pleasing. Certain relationships might be deepening too. Some of you might change homes or completely renovate your existing home. Some of you might be asserting your independence within your family as well. Others of you might be leaving your home/parents home and venturing off by yourselves learning how to navigate the world on your own and finding your voice. Your immediate environment will also play a prominent role in your life this year. Also expect a lot of short trips, learning and networking. Start of year: Focus on grounding yourself and building a solid foundation. It's okay to take things slow you're not running a marathon. Bring your focus on long term plans, establishing security at the same time enjoying life's pleasures.

Middle of year: Refine, work with diligence, keep a tracker or planner/journal, health(mind and body) will be primary focus.

End of year: Step into the spotlight and celebrate your growth. Look back at yourself with pride.

Picture 2

Your most transformative year yet. Central theme of destiny and finding one's soul's purpose. You'll be stepping out of your comfort zone regardless of the type of comfort it brought you and venture out into the unknown. The change will be profound and unlike anything you've experienced but it has been a long time coming. This will transform you into the person you're meant to be. Don't be scared. You have wanted this. Financial matters, inheritances, joint ventures might also play a role in your growth. Intuition will be at an all time high be sure to listen to what your instincts are telling you before being persuaded by the masses. You'll also be making a lot of meaningful connections this year. You'll finally be taking off a mask and freeing yourself from a cage you had put yourself in or felt you were in. You'll be honing your existing skills and learning new ones and will be manifesting opportunities extensively for yourself. All you need is blind faith. You'll be pushed to trust the unseen and the unknown. Put logic aside when it comes to your dreams and goals and other pursuits this year. Things will only make sense by the end of it. You'll be stepping into a more leadership role this year. People will be inspired by your confidence as well as charisma. There may even be a drastic change in your overall appearance or the way you talk and present yourself. Some of you might be moving away states or countries. It will be because it's time for you to pursue your dreams fearlessly. It's not about chasing them anymore, it's about making them a part of your reality so that it becomes normal and not something out of reach. A lot of people will be enamored by you and you might end up becoming their muse. You might also feel deeply connected to your spiritual side as well and have related experiences. Many experiences, places, people and even your dreams will inspire you immensely. Lot of deja vu moments as well. Again, trust in your gut feeling about places and people. You'll feel deeply connected to something this year, it will feel like home somehow or a part of you. This year is about finding the lost pieces of yourself and building cathedrals within your soul. You have immense power. Trust it. Start of year: A focus on building meaningful partnerships. Forging new ones too. (Professional, romantic or personal) Collaborations and commitments as well.

Middle of year: Communication, learning, trips, networking, ideas and recognition. Collecting and making a lot of memories. Lot of mental stimulation.

End of year: Significant development in your professional life, building a legacy, fame, reputation and taking note of your personal achievements.

Picture 3

Your central theme is personal growth through higher learning, expansion of ideas and unconventional approaches to life. This year is big on exploration as well as travel for you. You may have been following the norms or what's expected from you for a long time or because that was the only thing that was available to you so haven't yet gotten the chance to step out of the box but this will be changing now. This year also emphasizes focused determination and victory. All your obstacles will be overcome with sheer discipline. Remember where your awareness and focus goes, energy flows. Things will also gain momentum this year compared to the previous one so don't be surprised if things start coming through all at once after a period of stagnation. This is a good year for your creative pursuits as well as love. If you're a lover girl/lover boy, congratulations! Please romanticize your life even further actually. I feel as though you'll find someone or friends and people who are just as willing to pour into you and give as much as you do. You'll be learning to receive and nurture this year. Some of you might also be going for higher education which in itself is a huge achievement, please be proud of you and your academic achievements. You'll be very proficient in problem solving and finding clarity too. Your head will feel less like an entanglement of sizzling wires. you will be attracting individuals who balance out your energy and propell you forward as well. A lot of exchange of ideas and experiences. You may also want to build a community or become a part of one. A lot of you will be finding new hobbies as well and actually be sticking to them. Deep transformation is also unavoidable. Certain hidden aspects or information might come up but it will bring you more clarity than trauma. You will learn how to make proper financial investments or receive money from unknown or unconventional resources. You'll also feel like a version of you has died and is long gone but a new one blooms and makes sure those around you bloom as well. I feel a lot of you will make sure you turn your life into art/a cinematic experience this year no matter what. Start of year: You'll be cautious and communicative, pursuing knowledge and expanding your network. Let your voice be heard, let your ideas be known. New conversations, contracts, opportunities etc.

Middle of year: Noticeable and visible progress in every area of your life. Enjoy your journey.

End of year: A more balanced and harmonious energy, a focus on relationships as well as making yourself and your surroundings more beautiful.

[marsprincess889]

Ketu in the houses

Doing smaller(in this case not so much, but it's still more elementary and formulaic) posts before dropping the big ones. I know you all are going to love this (my blog has become a ketu information hub for a lot of you 😅🙃)

As always, keep in mind: ketu is very internal and personal. I can give you basic descriptions and observations but to connect with your ketu, due to its essence and nature, I think you'll have to shut out a lot of the noise and just listen to yourself. That concerns everything. So, if your truth is telling you that I or someone's description is incorrect, then trust it. Be careful while examining that.

Ketu in the 1st house:

Automatic and natural possession of the physical body. Comfortable in their own skin, sometimes too comfortable. Have an appearance that suits natural adornment. Quality pieces look extra good on them, but even they wear/carry something "cheap", it still somehow works. They don't have to really think about their appearance, but if they do start to, it might have enormous impact on others. They're not really fans of trendy looks of the moment as I've observed, they have the power to set the trends themselves but I'd say most of them are not aware of that. Might be loud while talking and have a sort of unrestrained/unfazed demeanor. On ther hand, they might also be really quiet.

When all else fails, just focus on yourself. Keep coming back to yourself in times of crisis. You have good health but don't ignore it, this placement might not even give you the permission to. You have enormous privilege of having amazing power, don't waste it.

Ketu in the 2nd house:

Hoarders, collectors, but not intentionally. Possessions have meanings attached to them. Intuitively have a knowing of what should go into their body and follow it, even if others disagree. Good at measuring the worth of things or people. Relaxed face. Sort of disconnected from their family or lineage, or seem that way. Family support was convenient in childhood but might have been taken for granted. Deeper voice(?), slightly intimidating way of speaking. Great singers(?).

You can always ground yourself, no matter how strongly it seems otherwise. The support and the family can be all around you if you find it inside yourself first.

Ketu in the 3rd house:

This is my placement, so it's gonna be longer(cause I have more info, not cause I'm arrogant😭) so bear with me.

Aware and alert but ironically might not be aware of this at first. Great instincts, naturally skilled. The information field is constantly on their radar. A lot of what they observe is boring to them, and they absorb everything. Movements are natural/effortless. Might look clumsy or careless with movements or speaking sometimes but they have it together, more than others and more than it shows. Have the ability to skillfully get out of sticky situations. Survivors. They have creative ways of managing tasks. Great with details but confused with too much data, they consider it pointless. Can get to the bottom of things. Can play devil's advocate but they often don't want to. Can argue but it's mainly to increase a sense of self-possession. Their "trivial" words have more meaning than they or others assume at first. Don't say a lot of what they know. Might be surprised that things that are obvious to them elude others. More shrewd than they look, but they themselves consider a lot of "shrewd" and "cunning" strategies dumb and superficial. WILL NOT trust others before analyzing them in their head. Quick, kind of messy minds but still somehow organized and sensible. Love to dig and investigate. Trust themselves before anyone else. Know that they know stuff but can't show the whole truth of it easily. Use confusion as a weapon. Relationships with siblings, cousins and childhood friends are nuanced, interesting and kind of cimplicated. Town/neighborhood black sheep but still fit there the best.

Ehh, what can I say, you're doing amazing keep going. 😭 The truth will come, don't worry, boredom is not forever and sometimes it's better than anything. Anxiety is a warning, get that b*tch out of your system, connect to what makes you calm. Look around you and get rooted to your life, like you know how to do.

Ketu in the 4th house:

Strongly tied to their home/family, whether they want/like it or not. Private about family life. Need their space a lot. Sort of clingy to their family and home but at the same time want to break out of it. Get defensive if you get too close or vulnerable. Have a natural ability to nurture but always nurture themselves first. Familial responsibility is embedded in them. May have been spoiled with attention, especially in childhood but have hated it, or have come to hate it. On the other hand, might have felt very ignored by their family memebers. Might have a very traditional family that values culture, upholding to moralities, and appearance.

Family is not the worst thing in the world and I know the ties might hurt, but there is truth and stability there for you. Find peace there and the rest will fall in place.

Ketu in the 5th house:

Fun, creativity, art has deep meaning to them. Life is built on entertainment for them. Their life is a soap opera. Dramatic and expressive. Art is their religion. Can be ignorant of other's preferences and naturally assert dominance when the situation concerns creativity, entertainment and art, even remotely. Only know what they like and don't seek to be trendy in their preferences, it's very personal to these natives. Can be selfish and get lost in hedonism. Don't discriminate between pop and indie, or discriminate harshly. Not easily infulenced in general but easily persuaded if you know their "weak points"/preferences. Generous with their attention if others can pay even more attention to them.

Yeah, life is art, but it's not for profit and not always for show. Learn to be humble when life demands it. It IS your life, but before you get lost in the art, make sure you're rooted in the truth of it.

Ketu in the 6th house:

Resilient, distrustful but relaxed. Healthy and helpful, very practical and balanced. Might have had health struggles that have shaped them and made them stronger. Natural medicine>chemicals. Will take chemicals if they consider it correct and see no other way. Expert at making the best out of the worst situations. Not confrontational but can put people in their place. On the other hand, might not hesitate one bit and be direct in times of tension. Know how to look after themselves and hate it when others interfere. Won't take advice even from close people, have a very unique and personalised way of looking after themselves, as well as a unique/personalised routine. Obstacles might persist but they can't to much to these people. Skillful and quietly cunning but it's not much work.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and squeeze them in other people's eyes if needed. You gotta be selfish sometimes, what can you do. Every day is a gift and the routine is a privilge. Don't be mean about it.

Ketu in the 7th house:

Lovers and supporters. Recognize other people easily and connect to them deeply and effortlessly. Charming and genuine. Recogize the truth behind connections and human behavior, sensitive to one-on-one dynamics. Good listeners, excellent company, giving and humble but know how they gain from relationships and connections. Value harmony and conflict resolution. Naturally attune to others and find their sense of self through them. Know how and what to sacrifice for others but have strong and specific boundaries. Love has a deep meaning to them, any kind of love. Important relationships are full of intricacy and are laced with destiny.

We are parts of something bigger than us, and we all have stories to tell. Keep finding yourself through other people and keep helping others find themselves. "Karmic" ties are not punishment, they're the simple truth.

Ketu in the 8th house:

Complicted internally, don't make much of it. Each crisis is an opportunity to gain. Survival IS life. Never reveal too much of themselves and easily read others, but can be stubborn about seeings things in only their way. Incorrect judgement costs them a lot, correct judgement gives them enormous power. Struggle anyways. Casually intense. Se×ual and private. Privacy is a must. Go through a lot of pain and become savage if their privacy is invaded. Know that selfishness is very selfless. Quietly independent, confidently dependant, carefully engaging. Adaptible but out of necessity. Hide their intensity, along with other things, very well.

The complications are alright, don't be afraid of the unknown, or fear itself. It's okay to go deep, it's okay to not, it's ok to survive however it is possible for you.

Ketu in the 9th house:

Philosophy is natural. They find truth everywhere if only they detach. They seem "higher" than others, and seem to be enjoying it. Truth is simple and exhilirating for them. They need their freedom. They exude a sense of wander and assuredness. Don't really care about conventional morals as most people see them and have a hightly personal sense of right and wrong. Religion is very familiar to them, whatever it has been. Talk to "god" and "the divine" to feel comfort, might not realize it fully. Their faith has been tested and strengthened, and they themselves might have tested their own others' faith. Might feel like nobody will understand their exact beliefs, but understand others' beliefs. Even if they feel lonely sometimes, places of worship feel weirdly reasuring. Can become a little arrogant.

Your ideals are not too high and mighty. You know what you know, and you should know that you do. Not everyone can ground themselves in a grand and utopian place. Don't let possible arrogance blur or exaggerate it.

Ketu in the 10th house:

Legacy is inherited. The world can feel like their oyster. Even if not much is going well, they might feel supported by people in power, and usually, they are, even though they never really asked for it. Older people and those with more experience bring out their natural competence and maturity. Might come from a line of influence, usually from father's side. Easily gain aqcuaintances but feel like they have to work hard to gain and keep friends. Might feel like they have much to lose but don't worry about it. Family prince/princess, or people's prince/princess, but in a quiet way. Naturally self-possessed. Might feel chained by obligations.

There are those who will stand by you as you pull back and detach. When you go into the world, people see you, and you know how to act. You don't really care about your reputation, but it cares about you. Don't lose a good thing, embrace and enjoy it, because in that, you will find your truth and your power. That stability that is too familiar to you, it's a huge privilege.

Ketu in the 11th house:

Everyone's friend, everyone's confidante, one of the girls/boys. The gang is what they trust, but they don't look for the gang. The gang is just there. Friends flock to them and they welcome all, but friendships are private and their business. The kind of people that don't have to do anything for friends to find them. Might feel like they act like a constant chameleon to everyone but feel comfortable in that place. Can be too neutral to strangers, but become proud activists for causes that are close to their heart. Strongly unbiased and multi-faceted. Others feel relieved when they're around at gatherings. Can be very uncaring and dismissive, unless you are one of their people.

You're lucky with support. Even if friends have dissapointed you, you have gotten something valuable and worthy out if it. There are those that are your people, and those that aren't. Don't lose sight of that, but be honest with discerning who is who.

Ketu in the 12th house:

What really lights them is hidden and reserved only for them. Selfless like it's nothing. Deep and understanding, floating through life like a fish following their own current. They can gently hold your hand through harshest times but it's so subtle you'll barely realize you've been affected by them by the time it's almost done. When they get lost, they really get lost, and that's when and where find themselves. Hate to force things and know how to be humble. Private like no one else. If life gets too hollow they become a recluse. Nobody sees what depths they carry within at first, but some might suspect, by their restrained behavior, or by an innocent yet wise look in their eyes. They're not mad when they go into themselves, and no matter how much you try to get to them, if they can't, they won't hear you. But it does not matter. In their own way, they hear and see everyone, and through them, they see and hear themselves.

Oh, yes, confusion is huge and it seems overwhelming. You know how to find comfort in that. So many sides to life, so many truths. If others tell you you're deluded, do not forget that everyone is. When your sacrifice and martyrdom becomes too much, stay only with yourself once more.

[miley1442111]

criminal minds masterlist :)

----------------------

aaron hotchner

the problem with arguing

you and aaron run into some trouble at home, what happens when you're taken by an unsub?

breaking rules mr.hotchner? (part 2) better than ok

what happens when you and aaron are left after work alone? (and) surely he'll visit you in hospital, right?

unfair unfair part 2

my take on: season 3 episode 20- Lo-fi

i don’t even know you anymore part 1 part2

aaron is there for you after you spencer break up, romance ensues.

motherly instincts

aaron's overbearing mother makes a comment about your postpartum body, he doesn't react well.

slowly

aaron is there for you during the one of the most difficult times of your life.

fix it | fix it together

what happens when you and aaron are arguing and he compares you to haley, and worse, brings up an annulment?

my boy only breaks his favourite toys

based on the song by taylor swift

fresh out the slammer

based on the song by taylor swift

jealous?

you were to supposed keep you relationship a secret, what happens when a certain doctor develops a crush on you?

guilty as sin?

based on the song by taylor swift

no promises

aaron has to save you from an unsub before it's too late.

safe

you are a victim of an unsub and aaron finally has to tell the team something.

office couch

you and aaron spend some time on his office couch… (18+)

nervous night

aaron is there for you when a night with your sister turns sour.

opening night

aaron misses your opening night, he forgot all about it.

insomniac

how aaron helps with your insomnia episodes.

a great start

how you and aaron end up together after a hostage situation

pinky promises

how you and aaron worry jack, and how aaron finds something out almost 20 years later.

who did this to you?

aaron gets quite the surprise after a mission

telling him

jack can't go to school, so you swoop in and become aaron's hero, he asks two pretty important questions.

drunk confession and the morning after

aaron admits some very cute things when he's drunk.

aaron's admissions last night ended in a proposal in the car. not exactly romantic, but oh well

always

sharing a hotel room forces feelings to the surface.

clingy

aaron acts quite differently with his wife around, which causes eyebrowns to raise and feelings to start getting hurt.

the picture

a late night issue turns into something very nice when your boss that supposedly hates you decides to come clean.

birthday fights & other lies

aaron forgot your birthday which spirals into something much deeper.

cookies

you're the cute barista he sees everyday.

shocker

you have some news for your husband.

insecurity

aaron starts to overthink and doesn't realise how it's impacting the relationship.

safe

aaron had to make sure you're safe, can he get to you in time?

birthday break

aaron almost misses your birthday

protective

aaron (literally) fights for you

believe me aaron is there for you during a particularly difficult case. (18+)

videos and violence an unsub capturing you makes for a pretty interesting love confession

----------------------

spencer reid

thank god for dr. spencer reid

spencer saves you from your shitty family

i don't even know you anymore (part 2) i don't even know you anymore

your breakup with a cheating spencer and the aftermath with hotch

you were right

your husband accepts an invitation on your behalf

in sickness and in health

spencer is there for you when your sick, even with the germs

i’d say yes

is spencer asking you out? you'd say yes.

the tortured poets department

based on the song by taylor swift

stalker

spencer's there for you when the unsub is your hometown stalker, who's still obbessed with you

spencer x gender neutral model!reader

headcanons with spencer and a model reader :)

weird facts

you finally meet spencer's friends/team, only thing is, they don't know you exist.

relief

when spencer can't get to you in time, waking up leads to the team finding out about a few things. Like, you're married. And something else...

mutism

how you and spencer met, the first time spencer heard you speak, and a look into your life together

transfer

how your sudden transfer forces certain feelings to the surface

i wanna kiss you on the mouth

both of you are completely unaware of your feelings, but you speak too loudly and your feelings are confessed.

who’s afraid of little old me?

based on the song by taylor swift

saving you

spencer has to save you before it’s too late

hair tie

spencer's hair is getting too long

the fifth kiss

lila archer gets in the way of you and spencer.

you make me happy

spencer acts quite differently around you and it shocks the team

all alone

spencer doesn't want to get hurt, too bad it hurts you in the process

the joys of a workplace relationship

a new addition to the team causes some very strange conversations to be had- and a very embarrassing moment for both spencer, and you.

confession

spencer's birthday was supposed to be fun for him and his girlfriend, what happens when his mentor (his girlfriends father) shows up at his door?

picking

spencer notices one of your issues, and is determined to fix it.

broadway baby

a secret gets out

revealed

derek tricks you both, uh oh

don’t dwell

you and spencer reconcile after a bad case

controlled turns out spencer doesn't hate you...

under pressure endings are bittersweet...

----------------------

derek morgan

friendly fire

you and derek don't get along very well

high maintenance

you're told your high maintenance, you set out to prove it's not true, it goes badly.

my girl

derek is there to wash your insecurities away (tall reader x derek morgan)

take down

you take down an unsub threatening your husband, derek morgan

labour

derek has to do something when you're three days past your due date (18+)

----------------------

series

pride: you, a bau team member are faced with quite the choice when both aaron hotchner and spencer reid are interested in you, but what will happen when a family emergency calls them into action? And which will you choose?

part 1, (in progress)

----------------------

birthday blues: spencer, your boyfriend makes a choice that cuases something in your relationship to break. can he even fix it?

part one part two(in progress)

----------------------

regrets: spencer, your fiancè comes home from prison and an amalgamation of your grief and his causes the collapse of your relationship. Fast forward five years and the question still stands, can he fix it?

part one | part two (in progress)

----------------------

insomniac au: your life with aaron and jack, working with your insomnia

insomniac

treatment plan (part 1) treatment plan (part 2)

aaron oversteps and it starts a fight.

[limitlessgoddess]

your guide to manifesting your desires in 2024.

i have manifested getting into my dream college, straight As every semester, visiting NYC, and a HUGE glow up (nourished hair, clearer skin, beautiful body, pretty face, emotional intelligence, baddie mindset, and supportive friends + family) in 2022. here's all the things i did that worked for me! i understand everything does not work the same for everyone, for example i find visualization fun and easy to do while affirming, even though natural to me, seems like work to me so i use it as an aid to fuel my visualization. i have had bad mental health days but i persisted in my desires regardless because i know i always get everything i want. 

1. understanding yourself and your thought processes:

this is not necessary for you to manifest what you want but it helps in creating self-awareness in the long term. i used to overthink a lot (manifested it away) so i affirmed and visualized during any free time i had, and eventually my doubts faded away. even if they pop up sometimes, i'm just like meh that's not true and brush them aside. for me, processing all my complicated emotions is essential to me because i get to know my patterns and start working on changing them. it does not matter what triggered them, you've to live with them for the rest of your life if you don't feel them and let them go.

2. discovering new things:

you should get out of your comfort zone. there are thousands of things in the world you haven't experienced. desires can change and you aren't obligated to stick to this one dream when something else lights up the fire inside you in the present. i had the dream of living in NYC for a long term but I became more open to DC, LA, Philadelphia, and other cities after visiting them. i have explored new hobbies too and they've become an important part of me now. being adaptable is important!

3. never settle:

a dream might be small for someone while the same dream might be unattainable for someone else. it's all about persisting in your desires and making them seem attainable to your subconscious. you don't have to lift a finger to manifest, so why aren't you being stubborn about what you want? why are you settling for less when you deserve to have so much more? don't settle for bread crumbs when you can have a WHOLE DAMN LUXURIOUS MEAL.

4. self-concept:

the qualities i find most attractive in a person are communication, efforts, dedication, honesty, and loyalty. so i start affirming for those qualities in myself! i embody them by telling myself, "i am dedicated, honest, and loyal", "i am irreplaceable and unforgettable just because i exist", "i communicate and put in efforts for the people who have the greatest good in mind for me." we love people who are secure in themselves and so, we naturally gravitate towards them. i don't care if someone has a pretty body or a pretty face. if they have the drive to succeed in what they're doing and they're giving me princess treatment, i'd immediately fold. it's the inner qualities that stay in the longer term (though you can forever be ageless and youthful, but to complement that you need a beautiful mind and heart - those make you more attractive). 

[dyingswanpavlova]

Happier than ever

Part 1

Pairing: Nam-gyu × Reader × The Salesman

Warnings: Drug Usage, Overdose, Death, Violence, Unhealthy Relationships, Manipulation, Suicide, Mentions of Sexual Activities, Mentions of Rape, Domestic Violence, Domestic Abuse, Mental Health Issues, Anger Issues, Depression, Long Backstory, Minors do not interact!

Nam-gyu and you were a couple for the last eight years. But after you decide you had enough of his anger issues, you leave him and try to be happy on your own. Oh, how naïve you are.

Author's note: Okay, everyone.😩 I know you're waiting for the next part of "Your girl" and trust me, I am, too! I'm sorry that I haven't come up with it yet, but I needed to get my mind off of it for a moment, because I don't want to just write anything and publish it like that - the story means too much to me. I can't publish it unless I'm happy with it, but I promise you, I'm working on it. Until then, I started to furiously hit the key board and this happened. Whatever this is, it is Part 1 of it and I'm doing a Part 2, I just don't know when yet. I love you! 🤍 Lana

Loving Nam-gyu wasn’t exactly the easiest thing in the world.

In fact, it was almost impossible on most days.

But there was a part of you, a thing, a quiet voice – something that needed to be reassured, that felt like maybe you were the problem.

There had been good days, hadn’t there? Your birthday and the way he woke you up with pancakes every year. Of course they turned out horrible and were barely edible. They were raw on the inside and somehow, he still managed to burn them. But he made them for you. The memory still made you smile, despite everything.

Then there was the day you had your big ballet performance. You had spent so many months rehearsing, trying to be perfect. You went all Natalie Portman on that performance. Since the moment you’d been told you got to play Odette, you were fire and flame, spending every waking moment trying to be everything you pictured in your head. It was hard, very hard even. But you had the great hope that, if maybe you did well enough, they would come.

Your family would come and watch. They’d finally show you that they did indeed love you, that you weren’t just a burden or an accident. They would come and they would be proud of you. Your father would set his work phone down, your mother her pills. They would be there. For you.

But of course, they didn’t. You should have known better. It was your own fault, hoping and praying for something that was never going to happen. You should have known.

And still, the moment the curtain lifted and you glanced along the rows and rows of people, you felt disappointed. But you didn’t feel disappointed like normal people would, no. It was you after all. You felt devastated. You felt all of your creativity leave your mind. Your body slowly forgot the choreography. Your eyes glistened with tears. And your life was over.

You had your own issues. He had his anger. You had your world endings.

That was until the door flew open after everyone was already seated, waiting for the show to begin. A few heads turned and your gaze quickly flashed towards the now open door, revealing the face of the mysterious newcomer. He was out of breath and his hair was a mess, his cheeks glowing red and the look in his eyes pleading.

It was Nam-gyu.

You had just had the greatest argument of your life so far, throwing around dishes and screaming your lungs out at each other. Not even twelve hours had passed since then, so you were more than sure that he wouldn’t come. After all, he was the least reliable person you knew, alongside your family. And that fight had been particularly bad. You actually didn’t expect to ever see him again.

But there he was, his appearance disheveled and his eyes pleading with you. Pleading with you to forgive him, pleading with you to dance.

Dance.

You remembered the way you felt. The way your disappointment suddenly turned into something different, something hopeful and warm.

Something good.

He was good.

He was yours.

And you were his.

In that moment, there was nothing else. Everything around you faded into a dark cloud and all you could focus on was him and the way he stood in the middle of the audience, staring up at you. The world was quiet and everything smelled like flowers. The perfection you were striving for was suddenly there and it had nothing to do with your performance.

It was a slow dance, slow and sensual, between your souls.

Until suddenly the music started and your body remembered the movements again.

And you were indeed perfect.

Unfortunately though it wasn’t always like that. Most of the time, he was simply complicated. When he wasn’t drugged out of his mind, he was angry. Not at all the time – but easily. All you had to do was say the wrong thing and he’d explode. And you’d explode right back, right into his face.

“I fucking hate you!”

“Shut the fuck up, you dumb slut!”

“Who are you calling a slut?! You son a bitch!”

“Say that again!”

It always ended the same way. You sobbing on the floor, him slamming the door shut and disappearing. That were the good fights.

The bad ones were different. You couldn’t count the times you had been forced to take shelter in the bathroom, quickly locking the door, too afraid to let him even close to you. Of course you knew how to fight back. You didn’t let him get away with slapping you, oh no, you kneed him right in the balls so he’d know better not to fuck with you. He’d normally collapse and the fight would be over. But sometimes, on especially bad days, he got that look on him.

It wasn’t careful or hesitant. No, it was murderous and terrifying. You always knew there was something dangerous about him. That was probably what drew you in at first. But this…It was different. When he got that look, when the drugs clouded his mind like that, you were truly afraid of what he might do. And so you locked yourself in and listened to the way he pounded against the door, ready to break it down. So far, he hadn’t. A part of him was still in there, even when got like that.

But you didn’t want to push your luck.

After eight years of up and down, back and forth and through the gates of Hell, you finally left him for good. At first he probably didn’t believe it. After all, you had pulled the leaving card a million times before. But somehow you always ended up back in his bed, with him fucking your brains out and calling it making up.

But this time, you meant it. It had been a pretty normal Tuesday. You were at work, waiting tables and cleaning up after your mindless customers. It wasn’t the best job in the world, but it paid the bills – albeit, barely.

After your father left and married a woman hardly any older than you and you found your mother on the bathroom floor, cold and stiff, her eyes wide and her chin and hair covered in foam and puke, you decided couldn’t do this anymore. Couldn’t be that anymore.

You moved in with Nam-gyu. It started off well at first. He was as cute as ever, when he was sober. Sure, you had fights already, but they were mostly trivial. Yelling was involved, throwing furniture around as well, but he never got violent with you so far.

He found a job, as did you and you paid your apartment together. It was tiny of course, but it was enough. You bought groceries and washed laundry. You even had some spare money to buy furniture and decorations. It wasn’t much, but it was yours. You did everything the way you always pictured it.

You had been with Nam-gyu since you turned seventeen. You met back in school and immediately fell in love with him. He had been so sweet. Acting overly confident and arrogant, of course, but it was just a front which you immediately realized. Under all that he was actually rather silly. He made you laugh without even trying. Even he seemed surprised by how good you two matched. So far he’d been going through life, acting like everyone was beneath him. But in reality, he wasn’t popular. He was a bully. He was mean, with a cruel streak. But never to you. No, when someone dared to speak up their mind against you, he was there, ready to break their jaw. You formed a friendship of sort. He was protective and extremely possessive, while you were caring. His family was a bunch of assholes, just like yours was and neither of you had any real friends.

Most of your friends were other dancers and neither of those were really sentimental. Sure, it was enough to go out for a salad sometimes, but you really weren’t one for bulimia and cigarettes. Most of them were, unfortunately.

You loved food. You loved to eat and you appreciated every bite. You’d grown up rather lonely on your own, praying every night for a sibling or a real friend. Someone you could talk to, about real problems. Your ballet friends though? Whenever they asked you how you felt, they didn’t actually want to know. They were just being polite.

Nam-gyu was just as lonely, though he wouldn’t have ever admitted it. He had friends, who were to no one’s surprise, also a bunch of assholes. Some of them were just bullies, others were straight-up rapists.

“What do you mean, you changed your mind? Are you dumb? Shut the fuck up and take it. You agreed to this!”

Nam-gyu wasn’t. It was another thing he wouldn’t have admitted to out loud, but the thought of fucking someone while they were out of it was something he wasn’t after. A thing that really turned him on was to see the pleasure on the other person’s face. The moans, the sighs. He wouldn’t get that if he just made them take it. And so he didn’t. But he tried to keep a straight face, when his friends shared their immoral stories of last weekend. He tried to laugh, when they spoke about the way the girls curled up in self-hatred after they left them there, their cum leaking out of them.

That was until one of the girls ended up killing herself.

She had been super sad and melancholic for as long anyone could remember. She was rather quiet and no-one really spoke to her. She wasn’t weird or anything, just really shy. That was enough to get bullied. She was an obvious virgin and rather closed-off. A good challenge. A great bet.

So, one of his friends placed a bet with the others. Fuck the girl.

“No way that weirdo is letting you anywhere close to her.”

And she didn’t, at first. She didn’t trust anyone around, because people normally made fun of her. But that guy, who went by Nic, was a real good actor. He didn’t walk up to her and just made advances. No, he played shy around her. Sweet. Funny. He managed to tickle a smile out of her. A laugh. And he didn’t just do it once. He did it for days. Weeks. Two months. He played her boyfriend. Her sweet, shy boyfriend. Until her front slowly crumbled and she fell in love with him. Deeply. So much that she actually decided to give Nic her first.

According to Nic it had been nothing out of the ordinary, but Nam-gyu knew it was more than that. He could read the people around him fairly well, and he could also see the way Nic’s pupils dilated, the way his heart skipped a beat, whenever his sweet, little girlfriend was around.

But his friends, his friends, they were constantly at his back.

“Did you finally fuck her?”

“Did you stretch that weird little cunt, huh?”

“Don’t tell me you’re falling for that Wednesday Addams bitch.”

Nic had a reputation to uphold. And so he did what he deemed necessary. He had sex with her and then he dumped her. But not like any normal person would. No, he made fun of her in the worst ways and ended up sending her nudes to anyone who was interested.

The same nudes he had begged her to send him, to trust him, for only his eyes.

And the next day, the gruesome news were heard over speaker.

She was dead. Jumped off her apartment building, right into her death.

Nic had a mental breakdown. No-one else from his group really cared. No-one except for Nam-gyu. Nam-gyu spent the rest of the day in his car, staring down at the steering wheel and trying not to throw up.

You had heard the news of course and you were devastated. You hadn’t known the girl, but you had never been mean to her. You actually remembered a few interactions you had. You knew there had been something going on between her and Nam-gyu’s friend. But naïve, little you had had the hope that it wasn’t a trick. How stupid you had been.

You spent the rest of the day looking for him, but he was nowhere to be found. Right when you already thought maybe he wasn’t at school at all, you saw his car. He was inside and God, he looked horrible. With red-rimmed eyes and shaking hands, all day. You tried your best to comfort him, but it was futile. He felt guilty. Someone was dead. And maybe, just maybe, if he had intervened in time…

You tried to make him understand that it wasn’t his fault, not entirely. He never spoke to his friends again.

You’d later find out, that was the day he took his first injection. So far all he had been doing were mushrooms and weed, but Hell, who hadn’t?

You spent more and more time together, because he firmly ignored everyone who was so damn fucked in the head. He was trying to be good, he was trying so hard. Life hadn’t been easy on him, not at all, but he still tried.

A month later, you had your first kiss. Another three days later you had sex. It was your first time and he was being surprisingly gentle and considerate. You loved thinking back to it, because you didn’t regret it at all. No matter what else happened between you afterwards, you could never regret giving your virginity to him, because it meant so much to you. And it seemed to mean even more to him.

Two years later, it was safe to say you were made for each other. Even long after being out of school, you were still a couple. He still got these angry outbursts sometimes, but you tried to understand him. He had grown up, feeling unseen and unloved by anyone. As did you. You weren’t angry per say. But you got angry, when he did. You had these desperate mood swing. And whenever something didn’t go your way, you felt like the world was ending. You felt everything intensely.

Love was great. It was all-consuming. You loved him in the same way he did. You adored him. Anger was different. It felt suffocating. Sadness wasn’t sadness, but depression. And despair was enough to nearly kill you.

You tried going to university, but that didn’t work out, because your father left and so you had no chance to pay the tuition. Nam-gyu never even bothered to try, because he knew he would fail anyway, but he tried whatever he could to make your dream work. You wanted to work with animals, heal them, help them, do whatever you could to make someone’s life better. But despite all your – and his – efforts, it didn’t work out. It was simply too much. He was heartbroken when you were forced to leave school, because of your selfish prick of a father. But it was alright.

You’d find another job. You could still make it in life, even without university. Everything was good.

That was, until you couldn’t afford your dance practice any longer.

That was heartbreaking.

One day, you came home after a long day of playing cashier, only to find your mother had stolen all the money you had saved so far. She took it to buy pills or whatever else. You couldn’t even be mad at her, because she lay passed out in the doorway to her room.

You had no money. And all your dreams were dead.

By the time that happened you were far into twenty-one, so you knew that life was cruel and you turned more and more bitter.

Nam-gyu was simply angry, but there was not much he could do. His parents threw him out at nineteen, so he had been paying his own rent since then. He tried speculating with cryptocurrency, but that didn’t work out. He played it down, but you knew he lost quite the amount of his own savings.

A year later your mother died and you finally moved in together. So far you hadn’t been able to leave her on her own, but now that she was gone, you couldn’t stand to live in the same place where she had died. The cemetery of what could have been. Countless dour memories, not a single one good.

You had never had a particularly good relationship, but she was your mother nonetheless. The sight of her dead body and horrified face, it haunted you in your sleep. You spent more than one night, waking up screaming, sweating and clutching the linens. Luckily, Nam-gyu was there to catch you, before you ever managed to fall into the deep pit that was your mind.

He managed to calm you down somehow, every time. He was perfect. The perfect boyfriend.

Until he wasn’t.

You hated when he did drugs, especially so after what had happened to your mother. And so he said he wouldn’t, but it was obviously just to pacify you. You always noticed when he did it nonetheless, you knew the dazed look in his eyes, the paleness of his skin. Whenever he refused a meal, it was obvious to you. Normally, he’d choke down everything you cooked like a starved animal, but there were days when he picked at his food and that was always the first indication.

His short responses, his temper, suddenly so easily flared. It didn’t take long for your first real argument to break out. It was fine, up until the point when you saw his hand twitch. Obviously, you shot him a murderous look, daring him. If he dared to hit you, you’d break his fucking jaw.

And he refrained. For then.

Things went mostly normal, until the next fight. That time he wasn’t so gentle. Things got out of hand and he pushed you against the wall, smashing your head against it in the process. For a moment, you were simply stunned – and even he seemed to be. He stopped before he could cause any greater damage.

Things went between good and bad, it was a constant battle for dominance. One day was good, the next day horrible. You couldn’t even look at him without earning a harsh comment. You’d ignore him firmly for the rest of the day and eventually he’d come crawling back, begging you to let him back inside the bedroom. He didn’t mind the couch, he just missed you. And somehow you always forgave him, far too easily. Sometimes he did change for a while. Surprised you with flowers or his sad attempts at cooking. Every time he messed up a scrambled egg, you couldn’t help but get weak. He was so silly, it was endearing. Yet at the same time, you knew there was something dark within him. Most likely the drugs, but you could never tell for sure.

Maybe this was just who he was.

Things got better and worse again, until one night, he snapped. You had a fight about one of your co-workers, who he considered a threat. You never understood it, because to you it was so obvious that you never wanted anyone else. Despite your problems, you stayed fiercely loyal to him. You loved Nam-gyu. And a part of you still believed that in the end, things would turn out good. Maybe they would, right?

But that night was bad. He got so furious and when he yelled at you, the walls seemed to shake. You were normally so eager to fight back, so strong, but that day something was different. You were on your period and just a few hours earlier, you had met a dance friend of yours. She told you, she was sure that, if you had stayed, you’d be famous by now. But she wasn’t kind about it. She was subtly looking down at you, shaming you for the way your life had turned out. It made a tight knot form in your stomach and you felt your resolve slowly crumble. All you wanted was to cry, but even that didn’t work, because you came home to a furious Nam-gyu.

Your shoulders slumped and you refused to look at him, which only ever made him angrier.

You didn’t see the slap coming, but once it happened, you couldn’t forget it. Couldn’t forget the anger and the disappointment that welled up in you. When you looked up at him, you expected the tiniest bit of regret or guilt, but there was nothing. He was too deep in his bubble of anger and substance, to see clearly. He got more and more furious and you knew; if you didn’t hide then, he’d do something worse. It was the first night you hid yourself away in the bathroom, one of many to follow. You always told yourself it were the drugs. He was so sweet when he was sober, so gentle and loving. You kept telling yourself, things would be good one day. They would turn out well. With time and patience.

Until you snapped.

You were at work, staring off into the distance. You had been out of it all day, because you spent the previous night locked in the bathroom, until he finally passed out around four in the morning. You snuck out and made your way to your workplace, where you opened more than three hours early. You had nowhere else to go. No family, no friends, no one. Only you and your pain. All day you spent trying to cover the dark marks on your wrists, but no one seemed to care anyway. People went about their own lives and problems and you were just their co-worker, their waitress.

You stood silently, watching an elderly couple whose order you had just taken. They were so sweet, like they came right out of a movie. He held the door open for her and pulled her chair back. He caressed her cheek and she never flinched when he reached out his hand for her. They smiled at each other with such a tenderness, it brought tears to your eyes. That was the exact moment. That was the moment you realized you didn’t want to continue on living like this.

You wanted more. You deserved more.

You made your way back and gathered most of your things while he was still at work. Of course it wasn’t the most intelligent approach, but it was all you could do. You knew, the moment you sat down and tried to explain to him that you were going to leave him, he’d find a way to convince you to stay. It had been eight years, after all. Eight years on and off, eight years up and down. Drugs, violence, lies – at least he never cheated on you.

You’d keep that in tender memory of him. As well as the countless times he had comforted and fought for you. All the times he made you laugh, all the times he made you feel loved. The greatest sex you would ever have, no doubt.

But you still packed your things and left like a ghost. After eight years.

He tried to contact you of course, the moment he came home. But you took your paycheck and went to a motel. Whenever he tried to find you at work, you hid in the kitchen. Your co-workers tried to calm him down, to tell him that you didn’t work there any longer, but he saw through the lie. He got loud and furious, which you could kind of understand. You stayed in the kitchen, crying to yourself and feeling incredibly guilty, but you didn’t ever come out.

He kept coming, but it got less and less frequent. From what your co-workers told you, he seemed less and less like himself. The thought broke your heart and nearly made you go back.

You were constantly in your head, making more and more mistakes at work, until your boss’s patience finally snapped. When you messed up the third customers giant bill, he fired you. You instantly panicked, because you were sure, now you had to go back.

You even drove around in your car, trying to get a glimpse of him in the apartment. But to your horror, you didn’t see Nam-gyu in the window. It were other people, some couple actually. And when you tried to call him, the number wasn’t available. Suddenly, he was a ghost and you were knee deep in horse shit.

It didn’t take long for your money to go and so you ended up panicking. You had to leave the motel soon and if you didn’t get a job – you’d end up homeless. Which was as good as dead.

A few days later, after you realized that you seemed to have no special talents and that no one really cared to hire you, you sat at the metro station. You had only one option left or so you thought. Le girls girls girls. You were a dancer. You were graceful. You were too good for this.

But it was all you could do. After all, the girls didn’t have to indulge in any immoral transactions. They were just dancing, right? Fine, in light clothing, but still dancing. You could do that.

You were deep in thought, your eyes closed and your head leaned against the wall behind you, when you heard someone’s voice.

“Care for a game of Ddakji?”

This was when your life took a dark turn.

You eyed the handsome stranger with suspicion. It was super odd. A man going down the path of middle age, slicked-back hair, wearing a suit and a briefcase on him.

And he was asking you to play a game with him?

You frowned and glanced around.

“I don’t know what you want, but you won’t get it from me.”

He smirked and tilted his head to the side innocently.

“I don’t want anything. Just a little game. That’s all. You got something to win here. I got money.”

You narrowed your eyes at him. “I’m not a fucking hooker.”

He smiled again, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “And I told you, all I want is to play a game. Are you scared?”

That made you bristle. You knew the game and you fucking hated it. You were fairly good at playing at, but you didn’t care for this idiot’s audacity. You were about to snap at him again, when you caught sight of the money. Your eyes widened and you sank back against the wall.

“I don’t have any money.” You murmured back.

“Don’t worry. You can pay with your body.”

Your head shot up and you were ready to lunge at him, but he held up his hands in a placating gesture. “I have no intention of fucking you.” He said calmly. “So, I’ll ask again. Are you scared?”

You crossed your arms and got up, giving him a dirty look.

“Get to it, son of a bitch.”

Your eyes fluttered open slowly. You had trouble adjusting your sight to the unnatural, neon light. The smell was odd, somewhat disinfectant. Something was really wrong.

You slowly stretched and turned your head, only to see you weren’t alone. That was enough to nearly make you shriek. You sat up quickly enough to get dizzy. Next to your own bunk was a woman who stared at you through her cat-eyes. She smirked devilishly as she lay on her side.

“Your fate is sealed. There’s no way you can dance your way out of this.”

You tried to ignore the way your heart raced in your chest. This had to be some freakish co-incidence. You took your gaze off her, only to realize you weren’t alone. Countless people surrounded you, some of them awake, others still asleep. They all wore the same green tracksuit, just as you did.

You took a shaky breath and carefully swung your legs over the bed, heading for the ladder.

What, in God’s name, was this? And why did you agree to it?

You only remembered how ashamed you felt and how good the prospect sounded of not having to dance half-naked for strange men.

But was this really better?

You glanced around in the hope of…Of what? The situation was far too fucked up.

The fact that they got you here unconsciously, getting you dressed…

You wanted to throw up. You stumbled through the great hall, hoping to get some answers to your questions, but that hope quickly got crushed.

These were the real strange men. Dressed in pink suits, wearing masks which covered all of their faces and even their voices weren’t their own. Whatever this was, it wasn’t a fun game, you suddenly realized.

That Ddakji playing motherfucker had deceived you.

You lost the first round, which resulted in him slapping you. And that slap, which hadn’t really been a gentle one, awakened some kind of beast in you. You didn’t know what it was, maybe the memory of getting slapped and hunted down your own apartment on a regular basis. Whatever it was, you didn’t lose another round. He gave you money and money and money. But you didn’t want his fucking money. You wanted revenge.

You kept winning, because nothing else was possible. And by the end of the game, he smiled at you while he handed you the damned card.

But right before he turned crawled back into the pit of Hell where he had come from, you called out to him.

“Hey, motherfucker.”

He cocked a brow and regarded you with amusement. “Are you still mad about that tiny, little hit? Come on, you took it like a champ.”

“Then you should, too.”  You slapped him with an intensity, you didn’t think you’d ever possess.

He looked at you like a statue, obviously ready to lunge at and murder you. But he hid his murderous intent behind a well-rehearsed smile.

“That one was free.” He said calmly. “And if I ever do see you again, I want a return match.”

He left and you were left with the card.

And there you were now. This wasn’t some childish game of Ddakji.

No one showed their face. You knew what that meant. Something was wrong – and you were in trouble.

You were about to leave the hall and take part in the first game, following after the others. You wouldn’t even have noticed, had you not bumped into him full-force.

When you pulled back your head, ready to apologize, you froze.

There he was. Your Nam-gyu. Staring back at you with wide eyes, behind them a mixture of something akin to surprise and fury.

“What the fuck?” He hissed.

He rushed forward and grabbed your by the shoulders, backing you up against the wall. Your eyes widened and you tried to push him back, but he was driven by something far stronger than both of you.

“Nam-gyu?” You breathed out.

He frowned deeply and stared at you incredulously.

“What the hell are you doing here?!”

“I didn’t-“

“Oh my God, I’m going to kill you.” He growled. “Where were you? What’s going on with you? Are you fucking-“

“Is there a problem here?” At first, you didn’t see the guy behind him with his ridiculous hairstyle and pouty lips. Immediately, you hated the sight of him.

“Fuck, she’s my-“

The purple-haired guy gave his shoulder a squeeze. “Whatever, man. We should get going, huh? We’ll be late for the game.”

He eyed you in an odd way, but you pushed it down and used the moment to free yourself from Nam-gyu’s grip and run out, rushing after the others and hiding in the crowd. He attempted to follow you and even called out to you, but you were already gone.

Fuck, you thought.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

[nisuna]

Need more yuuji smut!!

So hear me out-

bestfriend!yuuji finding your depressed ass in the park while it's raining and you're soaked. So he takes you home and take care of you and puts you to sleep in jis clothes.

Then wakes you up by eating you out and then .. you know.. the rest of the stuff

Holy shit am I in my angst era? 😭 Yuji is 100% my comfort character, so this was very nice to write. He's so boyfriend oml I love him so much<3 I don't even care if this does well or not. I really needed this, tysm for the idea!!<3

⚠️ If you or anyone you know struggles with their mental health or has thoughts like these, please look up your local s*uic*de prevention hotlines. Everybody deserves to get help, and everyone deserves to live. It might not always be as easy as in my little story, but please look after yourselves, I love you all so much and thank you all for all of the love and support🫶🏻 As someone who's been struggling with their mental health ever since their early teens I can say that I definitely can't speak for everyone on this matter, but maybe some will find comfort and familiarity in this

TW: angst, s*icid*l ideation, mentions of declining mental health, hurt and comfort, oral (f receiving), unprotected sex, cream pie, body worship, nipple play, body appreciation, mating press, confession, a lot of crying, this is so dear to my heart, supportive!bff!yuji

~2,8k words~

<3masterlist<3

--------mature themes ;strictly 18+ MDNI-----------

Everything has been fucked lately. Your job sucks, school isn't going great, your social life is almost nonexistent, your family is a mess and you just want some peace and calm. You've been home constantly, but you just can't stand it anymore, which is exactly why you went outside for some fresh air. And as if the universe was giving you the middle finger as well, it started raining. But you just couldn't be bothered anymore. Life sucks and your mental health is declining. So you don't even flinch at the rain hitting your lowered head. You don't care that your clothes are soaked at this point. You just sit there and take it. You've been sitting here for what feels like hours. There has been multiple nosy on lookers that passed by mumbling. Some of them showed concern, but some of them were threw disgusted looks at you and assumed you're some kind of junkie that's loitering around in their peaceful park. You couldn't care less, nobody was actually brave enough to approach you anyway, so you let them talk.

It's getting cold, but you can't bring yourself to move. You're soaked and it's getting dark, but you feel like you have nowhere to go. You're starting to feel numb, your hands and feet are cold and you almost can't feel them anymore. This is actually quite nice, you're neither sad nor mad, you feel empty, but it's not uncomfortable like it usually is. You feel calm, you're not worried. You think that freezing to d*ath might actually be a good way to go. It would be like falling asleep without having to ever wake up again. For the first time in weeks you felt yourself smile. You've made up your mind, nobody will miss you anyway so why bother. But as you were about to lie down, you heard a familiar voice screaming your name.

"What the hell-", you thought to yourself as you sat back up and looked around. You didn't have to wait long before seeing a familiar figure run towards you.

"Y/N!!! Where are-? Oh my god there you are. I looked everywhere for you. What are you doing?", he reached out to grab your shoulders, only for you to flinch away.

"Yuji, what are you doing here?"

"Well, you weren't picking up my calls and I got worried." When you didn't give him an answer, he continued, "Are you alright? Whoa you're soaked and my god you're ice cold c'mon let's get you home. I don't want you to get sick.", he grabbed your hand, trying to get you off that bench. But you didn't budge.

"Y/N? What's wrong c'mon let's go-"

"No, I'm fine, really. Just leave me be."

"What are you even saying? How could I? You are in no condition to be left alone. It's freezing and you're soaked c'mon let's go home-"

"JUST LEAVE ME ALONE GODDAMN IT!", you screamed and felt tears leave your eyes. Shit. When you reached up to wipe away at your eyes, Yuji stopped you and wiped your tears with his sleeve instead.

"Y/N I don't know what's going on, but please let me help.", he knelt down, squeezing your trembling hands and giving you a warm smile.

"Why do you care so much?", that came out way too wobbly for your liking.

"Why do I care? Y/N, you're my best friend of course I care. How could I not? Look at you."

You were at a loss of words, so he continued. "Is it okay if I touch you more?" Nod. As soon as you gave him the okay he pulled you into a tight hug. It took you a bit to relax, but you eventually gave in and let your emotions run wild. You were shaking, crying loudly in his embrace. All the built-up tension of the past weeks came flooding out, but he was there to catch you. He held you close as you let go. He didn't say a word until you calmed down a bit.

He pulled away to take a look at your puffy face. "Let's go over to mine, hm? What do you say?"

"Fuck it.", you thought as you nodded and got up.

"Want me to carry you?"

"No, that's embarassing. I can walk alright.", you huffed.

"Don't worry, it's late. Nobody will see."

"Okay."

After he wrapped you up in his jacket, you got on his back and let him carry you to his apartment. He's so warm and smells really good. You subconsciously nuzzled your face closer to him. Falling asleep like this would be way nicer than alone. You thought of that as you closed your eyes and hugged him tighter.

Luckily, he only lived a couple blocks away from the park. He was gentle when he set you down as soon as you arrived.

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it.", there it was again, his sweet smile. "You should go take a bath before you get sick. I'll lend you some of my clothes." Nod.

------

You felt like a new human being after the warm bath. His clothes were also warm and smelled like him. It was oddly comforting. Has he always smelled this good? Your thoughts were interrupted by a soft voice.

"Oh wow, you look better already.", he grinned.

"Yeah", you cracked a smile back at him, "I do feel a lot better. Thanks a lot."

"Of course! Now, what do you want to eat, you must be starving? How long were you out there anyway?"

"All day actually...", you confessed.

His shocked expression made you giggle as he pushed you into his kitchen.

After a good meal he said you could go sleep in his bed. He'd sleep on the couch tonight. But you stopped him. "I don't want to be alone. Can you sleep with me tonight."

"Sure, I thought you needed some space and didn't want to make you uncomfortable."

"Can we cuddle too?"

"We can do whatever you need."

That's how you found yourself back in his arms for the nth time today. The atmosphere was calm, as you were exchanging occasional remarks while watching something. You don't know what overcame you, but you just felt so safe and taken care of that you leaned in for a kiss. However, you quickly pulled away when you felt him stiffen up and not kiss you back.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. God, I'm so stupid. You probably hated that. Shit, please don't hate me-"

"No, please calm down, it's alright. It's not that I don't like this. It's just..."

"Just what?"

"You're in a very fragile state right now. I don't want you to do something you might regret."

"But I'm sure, I really want this-"

"Sleep it over. Just one night and if you still feel like it tomorrow I'm down. I'm here for you. We can cuddle all you want, though. I just don't want to take advantage of you."

You shot him your biggest pity pout and when that didn't work you gave in. "Alright, alright, I guessss.", you huffed and fell into his embrace. Both of you didn't talk much after that, there was a bit of tension, but you didn't act on it. When you finally drifted off to sleep it was enveloped in his warmth and smell.

You haven't slept this well in a long time. And you definitely haven't been woken up this nicely in a long time, either.

After such a good night's sleep you didn't expect to wake up to your best friend between your thighs, lapping away at your pussy.

"Hi, good morning", he rasped, morning voice heavy. "You just looked so cute wiggling around in my arms and when I checked you were already so wet down there. Sorry, I couldn't resist.", he said while softly kissing up your thigh.

"It's alright, let me wake up first, though ah-", you couldn't finish your sentence, because your head snapped back with a moan, as he dove back between your legs.

"Sorry, but I need this just as bad as you do. You taste so good. God, I've been missing out on this this whole time? Just lay back and let me take care of you."

You couldn't say no. Not that you were able to say anything at all with his skillful tongue and fingers working your cunt open. He made you a whimpering and sensitive mess in a matter of a few seconds.

"Shit, how are you so good?", you let out a drawn-out moan, but didn't get an answer from him. His actions spoke instead of him, as he had you cumming on his tongue soon after. Once he licked you clean he slotted his body between your legs and kissed you nice and deep.

"Mmh", you moaned against his lips, tasting yourself on his tongue.

"Tastes good, right?", he grinned.

"Shut up", you playfully hit his chest, grinnig right back at him.

"Alright, my turn.", you smiled, trying to get him to lie down only to be pushed back, as he got on top of you again.

"Nope."

"Hey! Not fair, I wanna taste you, too.", you pouted at him.

"Maybe next time. Today's all about you, I don't want you to lift a single finger. As I said, lay back and let me take care of you."

That was an offer you definitely couldn't refuse. So you gave him a nod and waited for his next move. His next move was a very welcome one, as he finally rid him himself of his shirt. You always knew he was well built from years in the gym and other sports. But seeing him like that up close made you gush. His front was mouth watering, and his arms were to die for. He was huge. You would've rubbed your legs together to ease your pain if he wasn't keeping your legs open with his body between them. You didn't even notice you were staring until he spoke up.

"You're practically drooling."

"Fuck, sorry.", you shrieked looking away.

"Don't sweat it. Oogle me all you want, I dig it.", he smiled, pulling your face back in his direction.

"Can I touch you?"

"What kind of question is that? Go for it!"

His skin's so soft, but the ripples of his abs and chest are brick hard. He let you explore his body before grabbing your hand and giving it a gentle kiss.

"My turn.", he whispered against your fingers before pulling your shirt up and exposing your tits. Your nipples were already hard from all of the stimulation earlier.

"Fuck, they're so pretty.", he whispered, grabbing one in each hand and giving them a hard squeeze.

"Shit.", you moaned, back arching off the bed and pussy rubbing against his hard cock. To make matters worse, he leaned down, licking a thick stripe up your neck and pinching your aching nipples between his fingers.

"Off. Now.", he demanded, already helping you pull the shirt over your head. You were finally fully exposed and he ate it right up. He leaned back down, taking one of your nipples in his mouth and massaging your other breast. He made sure to pay equal attention to both. It felt really good, but you were getting impatient, already grinding against his hard crotch.

"Yuuji~~", you moaned at a particularly hard suck. "Don't tease. Pleasee, I need you.", you whined.

"Shit, sorry I got distracted. Wait here, I'm gonna go get the condoms."

Before he could leave you, you stopped him.

"No, wait, please don't. I want to feel you.", you said, already digging your nails in his arms at the mere thought of doing it raw.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive.", you smiled reassuringly.

"Fuck, alright. Got it.", he swore and rid himself of his boxers.

Once again you were staring. He was bigger than you thought. You definitely couldn't wait any longer. You needed him inside of you immediately.

He didn't make you wait long before he started to slowly bottom out. Your moans grew embarassingly louder with each inch that filled you up.

"Shit, you're so tight. Please loosen up, you're gonna kill me."

"Sorry, it just feels so good.", you mewled back arching and pressing your soft tits against his hard chest. "Kiss me, please~~" He immediately obliged, crashing his mouth against yours. It was so raw and messy when your tongues kept mashing together, but it just felt so right.

"I'm gonna start moving now. I'm gonna fuck you so good."

You nodded and pleaded. Your wish was his command, so he finally picked up his pace. And god, was he good with his hips. With each thrust and shift of your legs, he kept hitting you deeper and deeper until you practically saw stars. It's so cliché, but you felt like you were in heaven.

Your nails kept grazing his broad back and shoulders, but you didn't want to hurt him, so you held back. As if he had read your mind, he leaned down and whispered against your ear.

"Do it. Mark me up, it doesn't hurt. Please don't hold back."

So you didn't hold back anymore. You let your emotions run wild, exploring his body with your hands. Shyness long forgotten, as you left long red streaks all over his back, occasionally pulling him down for a kiss.

The world stood still. You never noticed before, but he has always been there for you. He was the only person that you ever felt loved by. How had you never noticed. Even if you two never said it out loud before, you loved each other. It had to be love. You felt overwhealmed as his fingers slipped between your bodies and started rubbing thick circles in your sensitive clit. Your breath hitched as the words you kept secret for far too long came tumbling out.

"I love you, Yuji. I love you so much, thank you for always taking care of me. I only have you in my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. Please never leave me, I need you."

If he was taken aback by your words, he didn't show it. He just pressed his lips against yours and kept rubbing and moving his hips until you came undone. And as you were moaning and arching your back, he finally answered.

"I love you, too. So, so much. I always have. I promise I will never leave. No matter what happens, I got you. Forever.", that's when the dams broke down and tears were spilling from your eyes. You just hugged him close and thanked him.

Not long after, he was reaching his limit as well. So he hoisted your legs over his shoulders and pounded away until he filled you up to the brim. All the while he was kissing your tears away and saying how good you were for him and how well you did.

When his hips finally came to a halt, he gently put your legs down and kissed you again. He was gentle when he pulled out and you winced as you felt his cum drip out of you and onto his sheets.

Immediately after, he pulled you close, hugging you like he was about to lose you and you were able to calm down a bit. But the bad thoughts came back as you whispered against his skin.

"Today was so stressful and you must've been worried sick. What if I have another breakdown. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to stress you out. I don't want to break your heart if anything happens to me."

"Y/N, look at me.", he begged, hands on your cheeks.

You finally looked back up at him, tears stinging your eyes.

"You're not a burden.", he whispered, giving your forehead a gentle kiss. "I will protect you forever. For as long as I live, I will always be here to catch you. No matter what happens. You're not alone anymore. You don't have to endure everything silently and on your own. I promise, things will get better. I will be here each step of the way. I love you so much, so please don't leave me."

You wanted to believe him, you wanted to get better. Maybe you finally could with his help. It's a big gamble, but you're gonna bet all of your cards on this relationship. After a long pause, you gave him a silent nod and burried your face in his chest, all while he was gently patting and kissing your head.

Life and everyone else might be shit, but at least you got him now. He was worth living for.

--------

If you read this far, thank you so much<3 I hope I can make some lighter and happier content soon, but I'm on a roll right now *sigh* Please stay healthy and look after yourselves, mwah

Hope to see you all very soon<3

[thelov3lybookworm]

Journals

Summary: everyone is happy

•○●⛦●○•

Tw: heavyyyy angst, sad lil fic (literally what i named this before i came up with a title), mental health issues, depression, feeling unworthy of love, panic attack, self harm, self hate. thats all i can think of right now, but let me know if i need to add anything

A/n: based on this and this poetry by @gardenofrunar 🤭 you couldnt tell it was me could you pookie?

also, there is not really a bat boy our reader is supposed to be with, so im tagging this as all three of them. there will most probably not be a second part to this, but still, lemme know hat you all think

AND, im not trying to glorify what reader is going through in this fic. if you are going through something, please talk to someone. you are not alone, my loves ❣️

anyways, enjoyyyy!!

It was happening again.

The breathlessness was starting to creep up again on her.

And the worst part wasn't the fact that she felt like she was dying.

It was that she was alone. Again.

No one was coming. No one cared. No one would even realise she was gone until it was too late, and maybe that was a miracle.

Click.

The haze cleared slightly, and gasping for breath, Y/n stood, somehow making it to the stairs leading to her bedroom before her lungs constricted again.

She had no other option as she crumbled on the stairs, the hard wood digging into her sides and thighs.

She could not breathe.

She could not think.

She could not move.

She could not breathe.

A cruel laugh broke through her consciousness, the sound so familiar yet so foreign, Y/n could not help but sob.

You deserve this.

Azriel. It was him, no doubt. But the longer she sat there, other voices started joining in.

First Cassian. Then Mor, Rhysand. Amren.

Feyre, Nesta. Elain.

"Stop." She whispered, her hands shaking as she rose them to her ears, pressing as hard as she could. But no matter how much she tried to ignore it, the clearer the words became.

You deserve this.

You don't deserve us.

It's your own fault.

In an attempt to get away, to get some peace and quiet, she reached out, clutching the stair. The wood grains whispered against her palm, their sound lost to ears filled with taunts and laughter.

Still, she dug in her fingers, her nails screaming in protest, her heart yelling back in a horrific screech, beating loud enough to almost drown out her family.

Almost.

Pulling herself up, she reached out her hand, ignoring the pain as she did her best to haul her dysfunctional body up the hard terrain, trying to make it to her bed before she lost herself fully to the dark depths of her mind, losing all sense of her being.

Somehow, having no recollection of the climb, Y/n collapsed at the landing, her breathing erratic as she stared at the blurry paintings on the wall, gifted to her by Rhysand's mate.

Had they always been this blurry?

In the back of her mind, she realised that they were never blurry. There were just tears in her eyes, but she didn't think too much about that as she crawled forward, miraculously crossing the threshold to her room, the familiar smell of flowers Elain had gifted her last week pulling her out of her misery for a moment, enough to let her get up and stumble into the plush material of her bed before tears again erupted in her eyes.

They then came back, screaming in her ears about how much of a disappointment she was, how she deserved no happiness.

And she agreed with them.

But still, it hurt her heart to hear the people she cared for voice thoughts she only limited to the darkness of night, under the gentle presence of the moonlight.

You don't deserve happiness.

She knew the inevitable onslaught of her self hatred was about to break over her head, knew it was unavoidable and would probably have her moping for days.

Her mind started wandering, which in itself was alarming because as much as she wanted to stop thinking about her miserable life, she knew that any and all thoughts she had at these times would only work against her.

Rhys's tear stained cheeks, his bloodshot eyes and his quiet sobs as he clutched Y/n's hands between both of his, Y/n's soft cooing as she tried her best to soothe his wounds after his mother and sister's death.

As she held him after his return from under the mountain.

This was going to be a long night, she was sure.

Cassian's grumpy self refusing to eat after one of the Illyrians had again bullied him for not being good enough. Y/n's cheeks aching from how hard she was trying not to smile as she tried to convince the overgrown illyrian to eat something.

Azriel's shaky hands as she held onto him after a particularly bad nightmare that usually started keeping him up around the time his hands were burned, the anniversary o the time where an innocent little boy realised that the world was filled with cruelty.

Y/n being the first one to find out about Mor's liking in women and helping her sneak out to meet her lovers.

Y/n dragging gallons of fresh blood to Amren's apartment under the cover of the night when she knew the ancient being hadn't had the time to feast.

Her hands scrambled to find something to tether herself to, to remind her that this was not real and that it would pass. That her family did love her, and that they would never hurt her or want her to think this way of herself.

They would never hurt her the way she hurt herself.

They just wouldn't... would they?

Rhys's wide smile as he admired his mate while she spoke to a grinning Cassian, who in turn turned to Azriel to tease the blushing Illyrian. Mor, giggling over her glass of wine as she mumbled something to Elain, Nesta and Amren conversing in hushed tones next to the window, happiness shining on both their faces.

And Y/n watched on, huddled in her own little corner as she gulped down another glass of champagne, trying to focus on the burn in her throat as the liquor travelled down. Trying not to think of the way her breathing started coming in shorter pants, her lungs constricting in the too small rib cage that were set on killing her.

Trying to ignore the tang of copper in her mouth as she bit her own tongue, not wanting to speak and draw attention to herself, to ask for help because she was too unused to suffering in silence. Her family had always been there, and she had never had to go even a day without their constant nagging. She always had at least one of them guiding her through the worst of her days.

Trying not to think of how no one even glanced up as she exited the room, tears prickling her eyes, feeling like she was nothing but an intruder, watching from outside the warmth of the house, standing knee deep in the cold snow as she tried her best to keep warm by looking at the happy faces of her family, no matter how much she was freezing on the inside.

Her fingers curled around the lumpy material of her comforter, and she pushed forward, trying to ignore the tears that rolled down her warm cheeks and buried her head in the soft fabric.

And then let out the ear piercing scream she had been holding in, uncaring that she had let down the sound shield around her room.

She knew no one was around to hear.

She knew no one would come.

They were all too happy to worry.

Her stomach was grumbling, and she was glad it was because otherwise it would've been the cause for concern, considering she hadn't eaten in almost a day.

She was still so tired and wanted to do nothing but lay in bed all day and cry, but she needed to eat too.

And so here she was, chopping up some vegetables in a daze, not really paying attention despite wanting to focus on something that took her mind off of her thoughts.

It was not easy to stop thinking, so when suddenly the fog in her mind cleared, she glanced down.

The red of her blood was bright, and the longer she stared, the quicker the pain came, but it was only a tiny sting, nothing more than the bite of an ant in the shape of a knife.

She stared, and stared.

And then, she lifted her eyes, her gaze settling on her dagger, unprompted.

She smiled.

Writing was one of the parts of Y/n's responsibilities. Writing a letter to help the relations between the courts. A report for the high lord.

It was one of the things that broke her out of her own mind's torture, one of the things that made her feel like she wasn't entirely useless.

So here she was, just scribbling away senseless words in her journal, knowing she would hide it away before anyone saw it. Saw the blood stains.

For the first time in weeks, she was smiling, no tears to be found in her eyes as she lay on her stomach on the bed, her legs in the air behind her as she began doodling little flowers in the corner of the page, her inkpot next to her and her dagger in her other hand.

She went to dip in her feather pen in the ink, frowning a little as it created spots of ink on the crumpled paper, mixing with the dark red liquid that still dripped slowly from her fingers, little rivulets running down from her wrist.

As she continued, a tap on her mental walls had her pausing, and after a brief conversation with Rhys, she got up, closing her journal and beginning to clean the cuts on her wrist and around the journal and then donning a flowy, simple white gown.

It wasn't long before a knock sounded at her door, and she hurried to open it to find Cassian standing on her front porch, smiling.

"Hey Y/n, Rhys asked me to pick you up-"

Y/n nodded. "Yes I know, let me just grab my things and then we can go."

He shrugged, leaning against the doorframe.

She ran up the stairs and to her bedroom, grabbing the little bag she had put all her pens and previous reports into, deciding to carry them with her just in case.

She hurried back out within a few moments, but she saw that Cassian had moved, standing near the gates. Which was suspicious, but not too alarming as she stepped onto the porch.

"Let's go."

Before she shut the door Y/n turned and glanced around the house for the last time. Why, she didn't know. But she couldn't shake the feeling in her gut that something was wrong.

And she had known to always trust her gut.

But she turned around, locking the door before leaving.

Not realising her journal was missing from the table.

"I really don't want to pressure you too much Y/n, so if you don't want to be a part of this research, I understand-"

"Rhys, this is no burden. I'm actually honoured you even considered me for this project."

His brows furrowed, his smile turning confused. "What are you talking about Y/n? You're one of the smartest people I know. Of course you are included-" he trailed off, his eyes filling with understanding. "How have you been Y/n?"

Y/n blinked, pretending not to understand what he meant by that. Of course Rhys knew she struggled with feeling worthy of her family, and of course he made that connection.

"I've been good, Rhys." Y/n mumbled, an easy grin on her face as if Rhys's concern was ridiculous.

"Have you had any recent episodes-"

"Guess what I found!"

He paused, both their heads turning to where Cassian's booming voice floated through the cracked door.

Y/n's whole body ran cold, and before she could even question the reaction of her body to something that wouldn't have concerned her before, she was stumbling out the door, following Cassian's voice to the sitting room, where everyone else was gathered.

Cassian was grinning as he explained to them how he had gone to pick Y/n's up from her house, and how he found-

Her secret diary.

Y/n's eyes widened, her legs refusing to move as her gaze locked on the book Cassian held in his hand.

"Oh, look, she's here too!" He turned to her, his expression carefree and inviting. "Never knew you had a diary Y/n. What will I find if I read through it? Your secret lover's name? His-"

"Cass." Y/n warned, finally getting herself to move forward as he danced back, his hands beginning to crack open the book.

"Will I find your secret fantasies-"

He stopped dead in his tracks, all the emotions gone from his face as he stared at the page he had opened, his features hard. Y/n waited with bated breath, her head turning to gauge everyone's reaction.

Mor sat with Nyx in her lap, bouncing him as she glanced between Y/n and Cassian. Feyre and Azriel exchanged confused glances before Azriel stood, stalking towards Cass.

Panicked, Y/n jumped forward, but before her hand could wrap around her journal, he pulled away, face pale.

"What is this?"

"None of your business."

Azriel had stopped, his eyes wide as he stared at Y/n.

That's when Y/n realised he had smelled the blood she left on the pages.

Damn it.

Y/n stepped back towards the exit as she felt all the eyes on her, panic starting to dig its claws in her gut and begin its ascent up her throat as the shadows curled around Azriel's ear and his eyes went to her wrist, covered by the long sleeves of her dress.

Y/n turned to find Rhys standing in the doorway, his eyes filled with tears.

"Why?"

She glanced once at everyone, tears starting to fill her own eyes, her face flushing in embarrassment, mad that she had started crying over nothing, and pushed past Rhys, running towards the front door.

"Y/n!"

They will be mad.

You deserve it.

Y/n fled the river house, ignoring the concerned looks thrown her way by the people on the streets as she ran straight to her house.

They hate you.

The door slammed shut behind her as she leaned against it, gasping for breath as her lungs started contracting painfully, refusing to let her breathe.

The breathlessness was starting to creep up again on her.

It was happening again.

Acotar Taglist: @bubybubsters @eos-princess @nightless @harrystylesfan2686

@cassie6392 @kennedy-brooke @tele86 @miluiel1

@hnyclover @minnieoo @sidrapotter @piceous21

@mybestfriendmademe @saltedcoffeescotch @eve175 @starsinyourseyes

@starswholistenanddreamsanswered @cumuluscranium @byyalady @lilah-asteria

@girlswithimagination @gardenofrunar @girlswithimagination @sunnyspycat

@artists-ally @riddlesb1tch @milswrites @berryzxx

Azriel Taglist: @darthdumbasss @foreverrandomwritings @azrielsmate3 @celestialend

@stqrgirlies-blog @tele86 @bakananya @xyzmeh

@st4r-girl-official @caraaaaugh @nacho-nat @allllium

@fandomarchiveilyd @nickishadow139

Cassian Taglist: @moonlwghts @samslittlespoon @nickishadow139

[antonellibee]

My journey so far | loa & shifting

Hello loablr/shiftblr!! I've never made a blog about my journey and what I've learned and I think it would be cool to share it with you :)

Well, for a long time I've been bullied as a child and had low self-esteem, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror or take a picture without feeling bad. When I was 10 or 11 and I was in the 5th grade (here in Brazil we called it fifth grade, I don't know if it's the same in other countries, sorry) I've met the subliminals and started using them. Let's say I had a pretty bad mentality and mental health back then and the community had a lot of people saying "how we should use" the subliminals correctly and a lot of 'limiting beliefs' so I hadn't had much results 'cause of this and were always frustrated (and I didn't know what I wanted, everyday I wanted a different thing like hair color, eye color) and ended up getting nothing. In 2018 I've met shifting and really struggled with that for a while (my first shift was last year) again because I thought I needed to do a lot of methods, drink gallons of water to shift and had in mind that it was a hard thing that needed effort. In the 9th grade I changed school and the bullying stopped, my mental health got better, it wasn't really the best and I still had a shitty mentality but it was better than before. I've became quite popular in my classroom there and made great friends. The next year I changed school again, where I've got my first bf. I was insecure back then and thought men were all the same and that he would leave me someday (I was sure he would). And guess what happened? He left me (now I've found out why, it wasn't entirely his decision). After that I've decided that I would focus on me and my studies. In 2023 I've met the law of assumption and it changed my life to better, it changed how I see myself, how I see the world. Of course in the beginning I struggled a little bit and wavered a lot, I didn't have a good self concept yet and was always frustrated 'cause I didn't "see" the results yet. I've decided to study more about it and changing my self concept, the difference was huge, I was more confident and people started to treat me better. I've caught attention everywhere I went. But I still wasn't that confident. In 2024 I went to a new school (I've studied in 8 different schools because my family wanted me to study in a good school). I remember that I listened to subliminals, made affs and all. In my first day I've made friends and some boys there admitted they wanted to date me. I was actually surprised and kinda shy (I'm a shy girl) with all the attention. My teachers treated me very well, I've got high grades and even a Math Olympics medal! In 2024 I started studying automotive mechanics in a private school and the same thing happened (this happened first, school started later than mechanics). I've studied more, now I know that we are pure consciousness, we rule our reality and that we're not just the physical body. A lot of realities exists out there just waiting for us to be aware of them. We manifest our desires by just assuming we have them, becoming aware of having our desires. I've learned that the law can't fail you, it's always working, it's a law!

When you see someone saying for you to take care of you, your mental health and self concept, listen to them. It will make you feel better about yourself, you'll feel better. I'm not saying that it will be easy at first, I know it's not easy at first mainly for the ones who had a shitty mentality and self concept like I had 6 years ago. Affirm to yourself everyday that you're pretty, that you're the one who rule your reality, that you're amazing, that you're lucky, that you're the most beautiful person in the world. I know it will make you kinda "uncomfortable" in the beginning but you can do this! The only person who can change your life is you! You're powerful, love 🩷

Be kind to you and to others, don't pressure yourself and don't forget to focus on you

Well, that was it :)

I hope it can help others!

A special thanks to the bloggers who helped me with their blogs

@fairyminnie444

@love4ng1e

@salemlunaa

@b4ddprincess

@hrrtshape

@pamicakery

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

Stardew valley bachelors (and krobus and the wizard) witnessing the farmer chug multiple jars of mayonnaise. Just really slinging it back.

Okay ngl I never did this till right now and I got everybody's reactions so this is based on the responses my farmer got after doing this

Spoilers: they've all known my farmer for about 7 years so it's nothing too shocking to them,,,but it's still highly questionable lmao

.....

Shane

"Umm..."

For years, him and Pam were beer addicts...and now comes along you, the new farmer who's a very...different kind of addict.

An addict to mayonnaise, that is.

For years, people have been judging him for his habit, so it seems fair that he should be allowed to judge you 100% for having the weirdest fucking habit in the valley.

He started opening up to you (in his 2 heart event) and you're just sitting next to him, drinking mayonnaise to wash out the beer he offered you.

Only after you two get closer does he decide "well shit, they're weird..but they're also one of the few who care about me,,,"

And he eventually lets go of it altogether.

But he'll still tease you about your mayo addiction from time to time.

"What're you gonna put in the potluck this year? Gold star mayo? Or did you already eat it on the way here?"

"Oh shut up."

"Heh heh."

Sam

"Gross!"

Considering it's one of his hated gifts, this shouldn't come as a surprise to you.

But the way you've absolutely freaked him out by drinking it in front of him (and subsequently making him miss his kickflip) was hilarious.

"That's what you get for skating on other people's property." You shook your head, smirking as you bring out another jar. "You think Jodi needs some for later? Or should I just drink it in front of her, too?"

"NO! Stop. Please don't do that." Sam hisses. "One, she might uninvite you from future family dinners. And two, she'll think it's one of those weird trends and blame me for it!"

"A trend..hm? Doesn't sound like a bad idea. This town could use one more tradition." You laugh, consuming the jar and not missing the look of horror on his face.

"A-And I thought Abigail eating rocks was nuts...you two would be great friends.."

Harvey

"Umm..."

While he's well aware of the many health benefits to mayonnaise, he wonders if you know that they're best as a condiment....not a beverage you can just sling back.

"But you told me to lay off the Joja Colas, doctor," you pointed out to him. "You're telling me those are a healthier alternative to this?"

"No, that's not what I'm saying at all." He huffs. "It's just..erm..I've never met someone who enjoyed mayonnaise by itself..it sounds-"

"Disgusting?"

"N-No! I didn't mean it like-"

"I'm kidding, Harvey." You laugh a little, amused by his nervousness. "You know any side effects to drinking large quantities of mayo?"

"..none in particular, but that doesn't mean you should-"

"Then if I start feeling anything different, I'll let you know. Thank you." With a wink, you pull out some dinosaur mayo and drink it on your way out of the clinic...with poor Harvey wondering wtf that was.

Regular mayo was fine, but that green icky-looking mayo...had him gravely concerned over what you were doing to your body.

Elliot

"Why?!"

You thought you were being subtle, drinking a little bit of mayo while hanging out at his beachside cabin.

But nope.

You've absolutely horrified this man. Traumatized, even.

It's almost as bad as the time you left a super cucumber on his doorstep, and the next day he sent you a letter demanding to know who made you play this "cruel prank" on him.

In reality, you thought it'd be a nice gift and he'd make something poetic out of a rare sea creature you fished up.

Apparently not and that's when you quickly learned it's a hated one.

"Oh don't be so dramatic," you shake your head. "It's easier to carry than some full course meal."

"But you could have any other food....why that?" Elliot asks, now genuinely curious about what goes on in your mind to think mayo is a suitable choice in food.

You have no explanation though other than "it's most convenient for me and I like the taste".

So he leaves it alone but....maybe it's better not to drink it around him without warning (or drink it when he's buzzed and he may not remember you doing that).

Sebastian

"Umm..."

And here he was, on Ginger Island, hoping to get a brief vacation away from the valley and all its weirdness.

Yet you came along to visit and check on your beach farmhouse--bringing tons of mayo jars with you.

You got thirsty while talking to Seb in the hot sun, and instinctively began chugging the first thing you opened out of your bag.

You don't even realize what you've done until he gives you the strangest look ever.

"Have you always liked drinking mayo...like that?" He raises an eyebrow.

"Um..not since moving into the valley and learning how to make it." You shrugged, smiling sheepishly as you brought out another jar. This time a green color.

"What's that one?"

"Oh! Dinosaur mayo. It's a lot thicker and kinda tastes like a kale drink-"

"I'm sorry, there's dinosaurs in the mines?"

Alex

"Umm..."

"What?" You shoot him a defensive look, cradling the half-empty jar like it's your baby. "You've eaten every raw egg I give you, and I never judge."

"But..that's a little different, isn't it?" He chuckles nervously. "Eggs are great for protein! Drinking straight mayo is...erm....are there any benefits..?"

"It's easy to make with all the eggs in my coop, and um..it keeps my energy up so I don't pass out."

It's an awkward explanation, considering you simply drink mayonnaise for the hell of it and didn't think too much about the "health benefits".

But Alex completely agrees with you, not making any further comments on it in the future.

Although how he's eaten dozen of raw eggs without getting some kind of salmonella poisoning is beyond both him and you.

Perhaps you're both a little bit strange, but he eventually came to accept that about himself.

Wizard

"Umm..."

From the moment you met him and obtained forest magic, Rasmodius knew there was something peculiar about you.

From gleefully retrieving ectoplasm and prismatic jelly for his studies to assisting him in getting the dark talisman back from his ex-wife's home, he's come to trust you as a potential apprentice.

So to drink mayonnaise while looking through his catalogue of expensive magical architecture had him....a bit confused.

"What?" You look at the man standing by the bubbling green pot, his eyebrow raised in question. "C'mon, surely this can't be the strangest thing you've seen."

"No, whatever keeps your spirit and energy nourished is fine and all. But..mayonnaise seems most unconventional. That's all I'm saying. Now I must focus.."

And that's all he says about the matter, not really caring too much.

You're grateful he didn't overreact.

Krobus

"........"

"You're not gonna say anything?"

"About what?"

"About..y'know..me drinking mayonnaise?"

"Why would I? You gift me void mayonnaise. I eat it and use it as a moisturizer all the time!"

Finally, somebody who finds your habit relatively normal---but the only downside is that somebody isn't human.

Makes you often question if you're really human yourself.

It never bothers Krobus whenever you need to sling back a jar of mayonnaise and pull out another one when you return from the mutant bug lair or hike through Cindersap Forest to reach the sewers.

He thinks it's just a normal thing humans do, but when you mention how it's very much not normal in your "culture"..he thinks THEY are weird for not accepting your tastes.

Welp, at least he supports your weird yet harmless habit.

You did try void mayo once and nearly keeled over, so you stick to regular/duck/dino mayo from thereon.

[goddessinnerglow]

Become Your Best Version Before 2025 - Day 18

Creating Healthy Boundaries

Hey Goddesses! Do you ever feel like you’re running on empty because everyone seems to want a piece of you? Work, family, friends, obligations, they all add up, and before you know it, you’re left with no time, energy, or space for yourself.

If that sounds familiar, trust me, you’re not alone. Most of us weren’t taught how to set boundaries, and even when we know we need them, it can feel so hard to say, “No, this doesn’t work for me.”

Just like clearing out our physical space makes room for what matters, setting healthy boundaries helps us make space for the right people and experiences in our lives. And honestly? It's one of the kindest things we can do for ourselves and others, even if it feels a bit scary at first!

Setting Boundaries 101

Think of boundaries like the walls of your house, they show where you end and others begin:

Your time and energy are precious resources

"No" is a complete sentence

You're allowed to change your mind

Your feelings are valid guides

Your needs matter as much as others

Signs You Need Better Boundaries

Let's get real about some common situations:

Feeling resentful after saying yes

Apologizing for things that aren't your fault

Always being available for others

Feeling drained after social interactions

Taking on other people's problems

Struggling to speak up for yourself

Some simple ways to start:

Begin with these simple steps:

Take a pause before saying yes

Use "I" statements: "I need time to think about it"

Start with easier situations and people

Practice saying no to small things

Give yourself permission to have limits

Practice phrases like "I'd love to, but that doesn't work for me right now"

Turn off app notifications during your personal time

The Art of Saying No

Try these gentle but firm responses:

"That doesn't work for me"

"I'll need to check my calendar"

"I can't commit to that right now"

"I have other priorities at the moment"

"Thanks for thinking of me, but I'll pass"

Setting Work Boundaries

Protect your peace at work:

Define your work hours clearly

Take your lunch break away from your desk

Don't check emails after hours

Learn to say no to extra projects

Communicate your limits professionally

Digital Boundaries

Create healthy limits with technology:

Set specific times for checking messages

Remove notifications that stress you out

Don't feel obligated to respond immediately

Mute or leave overwhelming group chats

Take social media breaks

Relationship Boundaries

Nurture healthy connections:

Express your needs clearly

Respect others limits

Share what feels comfortable for you

Take space when you need it

Don't compromise your values

Self-Care Boundaries

Protect your relationship with yourself:

Schedule non-negotiable me-time

Honor your emotional needs

Listen to your body's signals

Protect your energy

Make time for what fills you up

Setting boundaries isn't selfish It's actually about:

Teaching others how to treat you

Maintaining your mental health

Having more to give from a full cup

Building authentic relationships

Creating space for what truly matters

The Challenge for Today

Identify ONE area where you need stronger boundaries

Practice ONE new way to say no

Set ONE small boundary today

What's one boundary you're proud of setting? Or what's one boundary you want to work on? Share below, I’d love to hear from you!

See you tomorrow for Day 19! Remember, every time you set a healthy boundary, you're showing yourself and others that your wellbeing matters. And it absolutely does!

♡ ☆:.｡ Keep glowing, babes! ♡ ☆:.｡ With love, Goddess Inner Glow.

[yourtoradorasextendedwarranty]

"Mind my own business"

Sure. Right as soon as you stop advocating for people with mental health issues to be able to slip through the cracks and cut off body parts before they understand the gravity of having it happen.

The medical oath says to "do no harm" if a 14 y/o, decides "I don't want kids" you'd be a MORON to even consider it. Biology is a funny thing. And when your clock starts ticking, you tend to want to have kids. However how most people or doesn't kick in until they're late 20's early 30's. After 36 for women, there's a lot of risk in both child birth, and the health and development of the child.

By the same metric kids can't make those choices. They CAN'T understand the gravity of those choices. Because those choices sterilize them, can damage their growth, cause chronic illnesses like early onset osteoporosis. But you wouldn't know that would you. Of course not. And sure bodily autonomy is a thing but not when that requires the actions of another person.

You can shove your bullshit. My friend almost killed herself because of rhetoric like yours. Goes of to college, meets new people. Thinks they are her friends. She's a tomboy. They slow rolled her into thinking she was a man. They got her on T within 4 months of her being there and the day before she was going to get her BREASTS REMOVED she called me naw bawling her eyes out. Saying she wanted to die. She didn't recognize herself. Realized she was pushing me away because all her new "friends" said I was a bad influence on her.

Her, "found family" as it were. I was on the phone with her for THREE FUCKING HOURS trying to make sure she didn't kill herself. Texted her mother to go get her. Low and behold. NOT A FUCKING MAN just a boyish girl. And under your "it's not your business" mentality, had she gone though it, she probably would be dead right now. Her choice right? No therapist needed right? No road blocks right? Just let them get a testosterone high then when it wears off and they realize what they've done.

No more love bombing. No more, "you're so brave". Just left with your thoughts and removed body parts. Staring a stranger down in the mirror with a likely litany of other medical problems other than the chemical depression.

So how about you mind your own fucking business. I care about people's health. You clearly don't. And more over kindly remove your head from your own ass. You DON'T get to tell me what's my business. How many people have to die for your bullshit. How many have to live with medical issues for the rest of their lives? How many have to never be able to have kids. How many get to NEVER experience a real intimate relationship. But sure. "Bodily autonomy".

Cut the crap.

[nefellibatta]

 I want go home: Fox TPOF

Content: Dark, adult themes, low mental health and reader's sanity, emotional dependence, Dead dove don't eat, FEM POV

━━━ Fox…..I want to go home

━━━ I know that, my dear, but you're already home, don't you realize?

Fox's fox tail wagged excitedly as he watched everything come crashing down for her, nothing got in and stayed in her little mind, it was so sweet to see you like this, it was so good to hear your screams.

In front of that camera he took her virginity and her dignity along the way and yet he wanted it again, again and again. He didn't want to stop the feeling of your pussy squeezing his cock as he slammed his hips against yours it became addictive like a drug he would love to inject into his veins every day to feel that damn Euphoria, he knew you never did drugs

This was the chance he loved, after dislocating your shoulder and making more marks he drugged you in innocence in an attempt to present you to everyone as his co-star could become more than one of his victims however….When you cut In his abdomen he couldn't feel that pleasure like in the rest of his victims, he felt lost and confused by it. He stopped you and didn't let you continue, he made you stop

Still, he wanted to make that dream come true. As he squeezed your throat as you could only despair and almost choke on drool as you cried and begged for family, friends or better…for him

He got tired of waiting, he got tired of being the savior of empathy, he broke the camera and put that hand squeezing your neck while he squeezed even more and you became more and more agitated.

━━━ STOP, PLEASE STOP!

Screaming for mercy, drool dripped from his lips as he smiled, he felt in power, he could feel their feelings reach his spine and send goosebumps all over his body, he threw his head back and moaned deeply when he felt his tears wet his fingers. his, his tail wagging excitedly as he felt his spine shiver and he went into that mode he loved

Destroy you

His body thrashed in despair as you looked and saw Fox's eyes begin to shine.

━━━ I'm going to tell you a little secret, my eyes start to shine when I get excited…..very excited

Fuck, you knew your existence turned him on, like mating season in the huge dark and cold forest, with snow covering everything, you were the prey and he was the hunter. And he loved it, he let go of your neck making you cough with relief when you could breathe but the sound of a zipper coming undone made your body freeze, you couldn't feel his hands but you could hear him moaning as he bit his lips, his hands removed his hard cock while he masturbated on top of you

He didn't care about her desperation and smiled even more exposing his sharp fangs, he felt… euphoric with this and he wasn't going to stop, placing his thumb opening her mouth he went up a little more and placed the tip of his member in her mouth. your mouth, your hands tried to push him away but it was no use

He lifted your head and forced his member more as he moaned he lowered his hand and started to touch you, introducing his fingers more as your body became excited wanting more and more your body betrayed you and you didn't want that, in the last minute On impulse he pushed his dick into the back of your throat as he made your body cum staining his fingers, his juice ran down your throat and he pinched your nose and took out his dick smearing your face

━━━ See? I can take care of you, and this is your home [name]. puff…hahahaha! Are you going to keep looking at me with that face? Come on, how about a warm bath?

Fox just laughed at your desperate and lost look, he stood up and realized that his dick was still semi-hard, damn you left him breathless. Taking you in his arms, he turned on the tap of the luxurious bathtub, letting the hot water relax your body, he got up and turned on the shower, letting the water completely wet you, he started taking off his own clothes while he was naked and got into the bathtub, closing the shower and rubbed himself against you, you felt his cock behind you. He wanted to eat you again until you lost your sanity and you wanted to go home

[petitelepus]

Hi! So I saw that you are doing Isekai'ed reader in Demon Slayer and thought of this.

How about a Isekai'ed reader that was raised by Lady Tomayo? Like their mother either ran away due to not wanting to raise a child as a single parent or they died in childbirth and there were no other relatives?

Summary: Lady Tamayo and her companion find you in the middle of the Winter, alone and crying, so they take you in.

Warnings: Child Abandonment

A/N: Isekai, Gender Neutral Reader, Lady Tamayo, Yushiro

Lady Tamayo and her companion Yushiro were out in the forest during the night, trying their best to gather some medical herbs that could only be found during the cold Wintertime.

"Lady Tamayo, is this enough?" Yushiro asked as he showed the basket full of herbs to his Mistress and the beautiful woman smiled as she nodded, "They are excellent. Thank you Yushiro."

The young male smiled brightly as he was praised and the two of them gathered their stuff and were ready to leave the forest and return back to their base… When they suddenly heard a child's cry coming from deeper parts of the forest.

"What the-?" Both Tamayo and Yushiro frowned as they followed the crying sound and soon they found a child alone, small and crying their eyes out. That child was you.

What a pitiful sight you were, dressed in tattered clothes in the middle of the cold Winter.

"Ah, oh dear…" Lady Tamayo frowned as she immediately dropped her basket full of herbs and rushed to you.

"Dear child, you're freezing…" She frowned as she removed her jacket and wrapped it around your small shivering body.

"L- Lady Tamayo, you will get cold!" Yushiro gasped as he moved to take off his jacket, but the kind Demon woman shook her head, "I'll be fine, thank you Yushiro…"

The young Demon male still took off his jacket and wrapped it around his Mistress, not wanting her to feel cold even for a second.

Lady Tamayo frowned as she looked at you, observing and calculating your health. You seemed so thin like you had been starving and never had received a full meal before.

But what was weird was that there weren't any footsteps in the snow around you. As if you had just appeared there out of nowhere.

"There there…" The Demon hushed gently as she hugged you to warm you up faster and to offer you some comfort.

As she held you, your crying started to slowly die out, no doubt due to exhaustion. Finally, you couldn't cry anymore and looked at the Demon holding you through red teary eyes.

"W- Where is my mommy?" You asked and Lady Tamayo blinked, "Mommy?"

"S- She told me to wait… And if I did, she would get me candy… So I waited, but not because of the candy!"

"Then why did you wait?"

"I…" You swallowed as tears fell down your red cheeks, "I just wanted Mommy to be happy…"

"Oh…" Lady Tamayo frowned as she could already tell that you had been abandoned by the very same woman who gave birth to you and whose main focus should have been your well-being.

"B- But then it got dark suddenly and there was all this snow…!" You hiccupped as you started crying again, "I- I'm a bad child…! Just like mommy said…! I'm a mistake and I should never have been born-!"

"Hush, little one," Lady Tamayo hushed as she used her kimono's long sleeve to wipe your face clean, "You are not a mistake. Don't think that way even for a second."

"Mistress…" Yushiro frowned as he watched her comfort you. You were so young, what, maybe 5 or 6 at most. What kind of a mother would abandon their own child? These were the times when humans appeared more like Demons.

As you tried your hardest to stop crying, Lady Tamayo had made up her mind.

"Little one, would you like to come with me and Yushiro here?" She asked, much to Yushiro's shock and your confusion.

"B- But my mommy…?"

"Don't worry little one," Lady Tamayo smiled as she gently embraced you and picked you up like you weighed nothing, "Me and Yushiro, we will be the family you deserve…"

You sniffled as you nodded and with that, the Demon carried you out of the snowy forest and into her and her companion Yushiro's humble house where they hid from Demon King and Demon Slayers.

She and Yushiro weren't maybe the family you deserved, but they were the family you needed.

In the beginning, you were a little shy, but with proper clothes, big portions of food, and a warm home, you started to quickly warm up to the Demons.

You started to see Lady Tamayo as your caretaker and you would do anything to make her happy. For example, you would often pick flowers for her and she would always smile so gently as she thanked you for your thoughtful gifts.

Seeing her, your savior, smile made you so happy and proud, wanting to make her smile more and more and make her even happier. For example, you would clean without being asked to and help around as much as possible.

You would always walk after Lady Tamayo and follow her everywhere. It was honestly so cute, and it amused the Demon very much, but it also made Yushiro a little jealous.

Speaking of Yushiro, you were a little wary of him at the beginning… He could be scary when scowling… But he was nice to you also and you started to see him as your older brother, someone you could trust also.

You started to address Yushiro as big brother very early and he acted like he was annoyed, but secretly he felt… Happy that you trusted him so much.

This bond you shared with Yushiro often made Lady Tamayo smile, happy that her proteges got along so well.

And speaking of your relationship with the Lady… You and Yushiro both thought highly of her, both seeing her as your savior.

As time passed, you started to forget your life before the Demons who took you in… But sometimes you dreamed of a world filled with buildings that reached the skies, automobiles, moving images in the box… And a woman you couldn't recognize anymore.

You would always wake up in a cold sweat after those dreams, feeling like your heart was grabbed and squeezed by this cold being… At those times, you would take out some herbs that would help you rest and forget the nightmares of life you didn't know anymore.

As you grew under Tamayo's gentle guidance, you turned into a fine young adult. You would do anything your caretakers couldn't do during the daytime and take care of them, just like they took care of you.

Why do this for Demons? Because they weren't Demons to you. They were your family and you would defend your family with your life.

[pseudowho]

Random question, during any of your pregnancy’s were you ever insecure about you body, how you were acting, or any of your cravings?

Me and my fiancé were talking about plans for future kids and i’m to scared to ask anyone else. could you give me a small run through of things to expect?

Thank you so much!!

Hey! I'll answer this both as a woman who has done pregnancy and birth three times, and as an experienced midwife. I don't like the 'horror story' sharing that many women do around pregnancy; it muddies the waters, and is supremely anxiety-inducing for anyone who is pregnant while hearing it.

You need to know I could write, and have written, essays on this.

As a midwife: Pregnancy is this period of unique physiological change in your body and mind, that even when it is normal (i.e. normal symptoms, not a sign of an unwell pregnancy) can be profound and lifelong.

These normal symptoms, including but not limited to nausea and vomiting (commonly referred to as morning sickness, though present at any time of day), weight gain, swelling, congestion, mood changes, appetite changes, stretch marks, heartburn and hip/joint pain, can range from barely present/absent, to severe.

Even severe pregnancy symptoms aren't always considered abnormal unless they're making you unwell (i.e. unable to keep any food or water down).

These symptoms can be altered by many of your pre-existing conditions; your weight and general health, your lifestyle and eating habits, your exercise habits, simple dumb luck/genetics, family history, mental health and body image/dysmorphia, etc.

So in that respect, in a normal pregnancy, I have seen some women who are extremely insecure and struggling to cope with the changes to their body and mind, and some women who absolutely breeze through it like pregnancy hasn't even affected them. Nowhere on this spectrum does it ever surprise me.

So now I'll talk about the average first pregnancy. As I said...the experience varies wildly.

Early on in your pregnancy (up to about 12 weeks) often feels like you're in an utter no-man's land. You feel like healthcare professionals aren't wildly interested in you; they'll take your history and 'book' your pregnancy in from (now this is based on the UK) about 8 weeks pregnancy (please note, your 'weeks of pregnancy' aren't calculated from the moment you fall pregnant, it is calculated from the first day of your last period, so in a woman with a regular 28-30 day cycle, there usually feels like there's a 'disparity' of about 2 weeks in your dates-- there isn't, this is how we calculate it). You may have an early scan or two. Essentially, we wait to see if the pregnancy is continuing; lots of miscarriages happen in the first 8 weeks. About 1/3 of pregnancies will miscarry here, in fact.

Tiredness is real at this stage. You may feel like you want to sleep constantly. It's shit that at this stage you often feel the worst, but feel like you're also just being expected to 'get on with it'. Please ask for help. If your partner isn't an equal partner pre-pregnancy, best of luck to you. You may feel utterly useless sometimes days from exhaustion, and this is normal I'm afraid.

Mid pregnancy drags, but you're usually starting to feel a bit better. The top of your uterus doesn't even begin to rise out of your pelvic brim until about 16 weeks, and the lower part of the uterus only begins to expand and form (creating that 'pregnant' belly look) from about 28 weeks, so don't try to force a bump that simply isn't there. Lots of women are very keen to look pregnant. Just chill. It's okay if you dont. Take it easy.

You do not need to eat for two; your pregnancy uses your intake more effectively when you're pregnant. Do take pregnancy specific multivitamins though. They don't need to be expensive or fancy ones; normal store bought are generally just the same, without all the fancy packaging.

Later pregnancy (the third trimester, 28 weeks onwards), you will likely notice that tiredness creeping in again. This is where your baby is largely formed structurally, and is maturing and gaining size and weight. Please ignore any and all comments from people who look at you and announce that you will have a big/small baby. They're idiots and likely wrong. Laugh it off. Here is where you may start to notice things like heartburn, hip pain, mood changes coming back again. You're heavy, and it's harder to move, and your organs are moving out of the way to facilitate a baby. Cut yourself some slack if at all possible.

So...now to me and what I had.

As Haitch: (tw/cw: suicidal ideations) So it's now a running joke, that my body was so 'good' at pregnancy, so utterly flooded with hormones, that while I became this perfect machine for growing and birthing babies, pregnancy broke me.

I spent every waking minute of the first 16 weeks nauseous and exhausted, bone deep exhausted. I had all the usual symptoms hit hard and early. I suffered severe pelvic separation, agonising pain, and @mrhaitch had to help me up from an early stage.

Thankfully, he was exquisite pregnancy support. Full is based on him, after all.

I ended up on some pretty strong medication for my heartburn, as it was severe enough that my stomach acid was damaging my vocal chords.

Worst of all was my mental health. From 26-28 weeks, your progesterone levels boom. This is normal. But this is where we discovered that progesterone is a very bad hormone for me. I developed severe antenatal depression and anxiety, and antenatal psychosis. I was paranoid, delusional, fragile and had active suicidal ideations. I had plans on how I would end my life. This is all utterly unlike me.

With my first pregnancy, our son was born at 42 weeks after a fast, normal labour, but I don't know how I didn't end my own life towards the end of my pregnancy. With my second two, we were more on it, and my lovely colleagues induced my labours from 38 weeks, purely because my mental health was so bad.

I was watched like a hawk in pregnancy 3. We knew I would lose my mind...and sadly, I did. I was medicated but It did little to help. It was at that point (October/November 2024) that I began writing on Tumblr...and here I am.

So as I have said...lots of things you could expect.

To this day in my 13 year Midwifery career, I have seen fewer than 10 women whose mental health was affected as badly my pregnancy as mine was. So I wouldn't worry too much about that.

Phew. If you have any more specific questions, I would be happy to answer.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[demiesworld]

Hi. Firstly love your writing. Secondly (only if you want to write it of course if not I thank you for taking time out to read this) may I request Hantengu clones reacting to their first kiss with S/o?

【♛demie: yes you may and i do apologize for taking so long to get to this request! i hope you enjoy it!】

first kiss with the hantengu clones (sfw)

pairings: sekido, karaku, aizetsu, and urogi x gn!reader

synopsis: hantengu clones sharing their first kiss with their s/o.

notes: reader is gender-neutral. no pronouns are used. reader is of age. in sekido's the reader thinks that he is a monk and sekido gives them a prayer. it wasn't my initial idea to go for it, but it fit in with the plot so i kept it. if i was incorrect with some things or offended anyone please let me know, respectfully, and i will remove it. otherwise, enjoy this! p.s. sekido's is also pure word vomit bc i wasnt thinking of sticking to a decent size script.

— SEKIDO

When Sekido first met you, a human, his first thought of you was that you were weak. You were weaker than him, a demon, because of your mortality. In his mind, humans were susceptible to illnesses and diseases that weren't easy to cure with herbs and medicine. So when he encountered you in the cold hours of the night inside of your hut, after slaughtering and cannibalizing half of your village, his original plan was to just eat you alive.

But when he saw you, something in Sekido couldn't bear to even touch you let alone eat you.

You were laying on your back on a shiki futon next to a burning fire pit and covered by a thick blanket. He could hear your labored breathing and pained grunting at each breath you took. It didn't take a genius to notice that you were sickly. The beads of sweat on your forehead and dazed look in your eyes was a tell-tell sign that you weren't in good health. To him you looked too pathetic to kill.

He was standing in the door way and then turned his back to you. He got ready to leave when your croaky voice spoke, "A-Are y-you a m-monk?" His shoulders went tense as he stood there listening to you, "P-Please m-monk... I'm a-afraid that I don't have... much time."

Sekido huffed in annoyance, but he turned on his heel and further walked into the hut. He stood in the shadows to keep his appearance hidden, not that you – a weak human – could do anything to him. You were most likely on the brink of death.

"Thank you... I-I want to a-ask if you c-c-could pr-pray for me. My health has not been well as of lately, and my family do not live here with me in this village. I've just been taking care of myself, but as you can see I'm not doing a very good job." You let out a soft chuckle though it turns into a coughing fit and eventually subsides, "I will be honest with you monk, I am not a religious person, but if a simple prayer from you would alleviate me of this sickness then I will turn over a new leaf and b-be forever g-grateful..."

The anger demon gripped tighter on his staff as he placed a knee on the floor. Why was he entertaining you? Why was he still here? He should have left you for dead, but his body is refusing to leave. Sekido sits fully on the floor now, crossing his legs and holding the shakujō to his shoulder.

"What is your name?" He asked you. Your heart swelled up with gratitude and you smile affably to the person you thought was a monk. Tears prickle at the corners of your eyes when you state your name to him. "That is a beautiful name. I will give you a prayer now, let us close our eyes and start."

Sekido waited for you to shut your eyes first, before he began the prayer that you requested. The prayer was solely for you and he prayed to relieve you of your sickness. He prayed for you to be healed, your suffering to be freed, and for protection to be bestowed upon you. When he was finished with the prayer, he stood up from the floor and just looked at you blankly.

The anger demon didn't know exactly how to feel when he left you in the hut that night and returned to his counterparts. They asked him where he went to which he ignored the three and trekked in the direction of their next mission destination.

After his mission was complete, Sekido returned to you a night later and found that you were still sick. Your condition did not improve. He had asked you if had eaten and your response was you tried but you kept vomiting. He was a demon, and he didn't know of any herbs or medicine that could cure whatever you had. He stayed with you and gave you prayers to help ease your mind at the least. Sekido would show up to your hut every night at an odd hour to sit with you, offering you his company, and give you a prayer.

One night, Sekido made a decision that could possibly affect him for better or for worse. After consideration, Sekido poked a needle into the tip of his finger and held the bleeding digit to your chapped lips. He let the blood drop several times onto your tongue before pulling it away and regenerating the skin there.

That night Sekido sat with you for a while waiting for any signs of improvement after he gave you a taste of his blood. You didn't show anything, so he figured that you must have passed away. He got aggravated. It was a waste of his time to be stuck here thinking that you – a human – would be alive.

He left your hut that night with the firm belief that you had died. What a pity. What a waste of a time. It clearly showed him that humans, especially a person such as yourself, shouldn't be bothered with trying to strengthen. He couldn't say the word "help" because to him that meant he was performing an act of kindness. Something that he, a demon who felt solely anger, couldn't be synonymous with.

As he went on about his own life, Sekido would ignore the pangs he felt in his chest whenever thoughts of you crossed his mind. He would make battles between him and his counterparts against demon slayers short because he wanted to return to their safe house quickly. Every time he came across a human that he wanted to feast on, that was weak like you, he couldn't consume them. He would just kill them and leave their mutilated body behind.

His counterparts appeared to have notice his slight change in demeanor. Though neither of them made a comment on it. They didn't want to address it for fear of Sekido's rage.

It was maybe a month after declaring you as dead, when Sekido felt a strong pulse out of nowhere surface. He had been resting at their manor when he felt it arise. The demon thought danger was coming and he quickly grabbed his staff and ran out into the rainy thunderous night.

The strong pulse came again and this time it was getting closer. Good. The closer it got the easier it would be for him to kill it. He chases the origin of the pulse to a clearing in the forest. As he neared the center he stopped in his tracks and searched his surroundings for any incoming attacks.

Just as he was about the lure the attacker out with his lightning, Sekido heard a faint shout, "Monk!" and it eerily sounded like you. "Mooonk!" the voice gotten clearer, and louder, you were getting closer.

Sekido turned on his heel to his right to see you running into the clearing. Your clothing was drenched from the pounding rain just like his own, but to his astonishment you were alive. You were on your feet. You were breathing. You were speaking. You... survived.

"Y/N..." he murmurs your name as you slow down to stand right before him. There was no shadows or obscurity covering his face. You could see Sekido for what he truly was. A demon. A human-eating, murdering, demon.

You threw your body onto his as you embraced him in your arms. Why were you hugging him? Shouldn't you be repulsed by the sight of his face? Why weren't you running away from him? Your arms squeezed him tighter and your face buried into his chest.

Sekido's hand comes up to your head and cradles it gently in his grasp. He stands there, still like a statue, as he listens to you speak, "I never got to say thank you for saving my life monk. Without your prayers, I don't think I will be alive right now. I owe you my eternal gratitude and I wish to serve you."

The anger demon looks down at the top of your head and blurts out, "Why are you not running from me?"

You ignore his question and look up at his face. Your lips curve into a radiant smile, "I never saw your face before, monk, you are quite ruggedly handsome." You say as you take a hold of his hand and bow your head. "Please take me to where you rest your head and we shall both explain things to each other."

Sekido growls and squeezes your hand in his own, he scorns at your wince, "Answer my question first."

"I don't want to run away from the person who gave me a second chance at life. Not when I owe them my life in return."

"Are you stupid? Are you blind? Do you not see how I look, human?" He interrogates you, before bellowing, "I am a demon!"

"And I don't care!" You shout back, your lips trembling as you refrain yourself from crying. "I don't." You whisper.

After a brief moment of silence between the two of you, Sekido unwillingly led you to his manor where you two talked over what happened. You explained that after Sekido had given you his blood, you woke up the next morning feeling stronger than before. Your fever and chills went away, you could actually move on your feet, and the bruises you had from being bedridden were gone. You told him that you had tried to walk out into the daylight, but your new body couldn't stand the sunlight so you were left to do things out at night.

Unlike him, you didn't get cravings for humans, you still ate human food. Sekido went on to tell you that he wasn't a real monk and that he was an upper rank demon. He said he found you that night sick, after slaughtering and cannibalizing your village. He didn't even want to kill you or eat you because you looked to be on death's door step anyways. Though when you cried out to him he was forced to stay around. When you asked him why he kept returning every night, he refused to explain why. The only answer he had given you was that he felt pity for you.

Following your discussion over that, you asked him once again if you could stay by his side. To which Sekido allowed you to, but you would only be introduced to his counterparts as his ward. You agreed to that. You stayed underneath Sekido's watch and protection while living with him and his counterparts at their hideout. Sekido arranged for you to sleep in the same room as him, though not in the same bed.

Eventually, you and Sekido grew closer to each other and when you were alone you both liked to lay next to one another. Kind of like tonight, with you laying on his bed facing him while he had his eyes shut. You closely admired the purple veins on his forehead and eyes, the curved horns, and sharp pointed fangs that stuck out of his mouth. He was, in your terms, ruggedly handsome.

"I can feel you staring at me, human," Sekido mutters with his eyes remaining closed. You let out a short chuckle and he adds on, "Why are you staring at me?"

You reached up to cup his cheek in the palm of your hand. You answer his question softly, "I'm just admiring your face, Sekido. You know you are not as scary as you look. There's a few rough edges to your appearance," You didn't flinch when he opened his eyes and crimson hues were fixedly narrowed at you. Your finger delicately touches his jawline then the bridge of his nose and finally his furrowed brow bone. "But there's also the softness that I'm fond of." You smile brightly at him.

Sekido took your hand in his own and murmured, "What are you talking about?"

You didn't say anything instead you leaned closer to him and confidently pressed your lips to his. The demon's eyes widened at the feeling of your lips touching his own. He laid there stunned and still until you slowly pulled away from him.

A giggle past through your lips when you noticed the bewildered expression on his normal scowling face. Suddenly Sekido's hand came to the back of your head and pulled you back to his lips. His mouth locked in with yours while his tattooed tongue delved into the cavern of your orifice. You gasped into his mouth from the unexpected kiss, but returned it with just as much vigor as he bestowed.

You kissed him until your lungs were crying for air and only then did you finally pull away to pant against his supple lips. Sekido's face was tickled by the puffs of air onto his skin.

"I have lived for over two centuries, and never have I encountered a human like you. You are foolish if your wishful mind thinks that a demon like me would ever learn to devote their life to you."

His cruel words were strikingly different from his earlier actions. Though you didn't bother to argue or point it out. While it certainly wasn't an explicit explanation of rejection, you smile regardless to him and lay your head on his chest. "Then call me a fool then, Sekido, because I don't think my mind will change when it comes to someone like you."

— KARAKU

You chirping with glee as you sat on Karaku's lap and patted powdered makeup that matched his dark skin tone onto the areas of his face that had purple veins on it. You held his chin in your other hand while closely examining for any spot you may have missed. Thankfully you didn't and you slid off of his lap while grabbing a handheld mirror and showing it to your lover.

"Look to see if I covered everything up." You say.

He takes the mirror out of your hand and looks at his reflection, his green eyes narrowing for any missed spots. "Hm... I think you covered everything up fine." He then turned to you with a frown and pointed to the horns on his head, "Now what are we going to do about these?"

Your face warms up when you remember the horns on his head. You didn't think about trying to hide them so you didn't know of any method of doing it. As far as you knew, Karaku couldn't conceal them. Therefore you were left with only one option.

With a cheerful smile you blurt out, "We can just tell everyone that they're a part of your costume!"

Karaku grimaces at you, "If you wanted me to dress up as a demon, we could have just forego the makeup and I could have just went as myself."

"Y-Yeah, but what if people get scared by how...devilish you look?"

The demon stood up from the bed and folded his arms above his head, "So? My devilish charm didn't stop you from mounting me like an animal." He smirked at the flustered expression you made.

"You shut your mouth! We've never even gotten that far!"

"Yet." He interjected.

After he made you fluster and stammer over your words again, you decide to ignore your lover for the time being and went to get dressed for the night. Tonight, you had established a date with Karaku by going out to a festival in the entertainment district. Of course there would be people there dressed in bizarre clothing, so you believed that Karaku could attend it without a problem. The only thing you had difficulties with was concealing his horns. Once you were dressed in your outfit for the night, you instructed him to dress in his black yukata tied with a red obi.

You left with him to go to the festival, while you were there some children were in awe at Karaku's "mask" and said he looked like a formidable demon. He arrogantly boasted about his muscles, showing his arms off to the kids and letting them hang off of it like a monkeys in a tree. Eventually they left you two alone and you and him enjoyed your time at the festival. There were some occurrences with Karaku almost exposing himself as a demon. Such as him tossing a ring and when he didn't land on any of the flasks, his supernatural strength was exposed when he slammed his fist on the counter and broke through the surface. Of course, the humans around you just assumed he was a overwhelmingly strong brute and paid him no mind.

As the night grew to a close, the musicians at the festival played lively music at a venue. The strings of the samisen, pounding on the taiko, and whistles of the shakuhachi sing. You took Karaku by the hand and led him in a graceful, animated dance. Your fingers were intertwined with his as you two dance closely to each other's bodies. The radiant smile you had never once faltered from your face as you moved your body to the rhythm of the music.

"Thank you for coming out with me tonight, Karaku," You say as you stare lovingly at him. Your heart was beating in your chest like a drum, and you had an inkling Karaku could hear it even with the music playing in the background. "I really enjoyed myself with you here."

The demon's lips curved up, his fangs peeking through when he did so and his hands settle on your hips. "The feeling is mutual my little human." His eyes softens at yours, and lids lowered as he leans closer to your lips.

Your face heats up when he leans intimately towards you. You try to back away from him, but Karaku is quicker and he keeps you pinned to his strong body. A flutter rises in your stomach. Your hands tighten on his shoulders, and you keep your feet planted on the ground.

"Karaku," you shyly whisper his name.

He doesn't say a word, instead his lips closes in on yours and the distance between you two is shortened. Your eyes shut as you perceive his warm and soft lips on yours. An idea crosses your mind to embrace Karaku by locking your hands together behind his nape. He could taste the sugary flavor lingering on your lips from the candied treat you had ate earlier. While the savor of it was unpalatable to his demonic appetite, Karaku found it to be rather nice as it was solely comparable to your gentle spirit. As your breaths mingled through the exhales of your noses, your hands moved up and fingers weaved into the thick wispy tresses of his hair.

The passionate kiss you shared with Karaku was abruptly short by the loud explosions of fireworks bursting in the night sky. You two pulled away from each other, and your eyes were locked. The explosion of fireworks weren't the only thing enchanting you that night.

— AIZETSU

You were laying in your bed, sleeping underneath the warmth of your blanket, at the time a gust of crisp air entered your room. The wind lifted your blanket away from your body and carried it to a desolate corner where it dropped into a heap. You unconsciously flinch and move into a fetal position. A candle you had lit beside your window got extinguished by the strength of the breeze. In seconds, you slowly awoke from your slumber and drowsily took in your surroundings in your bedchamber. As soon as you turned your head to your right you see an all too familiar dejected face framed by wispy onyx hair and luminous azure eyes.

You lift yourself up to sit upright and look up at your demonic significant other. "Aizetsu... what are you doing here?" You asks him softly. His sudden arrival was entirely unexpected as usually he would send you a letter about coming to see you in advance. With him appearing to you now in the dead of the night, you had wondered if anything went wrong with a mission he been assigned to.

He places his spear against the wall and slid off the bulky ropes around his shoulders. He takes a seat on the bed beside you and looks at the wooden floor. You don't utter a word when he reaches out and grabs your hand in his. Aizetsu's thumb strokes the top of your hand whilst gingerly holding it.

"Aizetsu," you repeat his name again and close the distance between your bodies. "What are you doing here?"

The sorrowful demon stops stroking your hand and tightens his grip on it. He quietly says, "I'm sorry for arriving without letting you know. We were in the area and I really wanted to see you before we left for our next mission." His head turned to face you with a troubled expression.

Your eyes widen and your body freeze for a moment. Then you mull over what he just said, and your face brightened. He separated from his other counterparts so he could visit you before they departed. It was thoughtful of him to do that.

"I'm happy to see you tonight, Aizetsu."

Your words took him by surprise as he stuttered, "Y-You are?" He questions, and leans his face closer to yours. The demon gently cups your cheek in his hand as he pleaded, "Please don't tell me you're saying that just to ease my misery."

You could feel your heart beat quicken from how close he was. You could just how many eyelashes he had and analyze the plum-colored ridges below his eyes. It was astounding despite how many times you spent with Aizetsu you were always nervous around him. You wonder if it was the same feeling for him.

Gradually, the distance between your lips closed and you felt sparks fly when his lips touched yours. The kiss wasn't anything too sensual or too dull, to you it felt just right. Aizetsu didn't want to encourage you into deepening it either, so the two of you just sat there feeling one another's lips in a sense of innocence.

Your lack of awareness of your surroundings was dwindling until the sudden bang! of your door pulled you away from the demon. Startled you both looked to where the origin of the sound came from and were annoyed to see none other than Karaku standing in the door way.

"Time's up kiddos, Aizetsu has to go with us now to the next location!"

You let out a sigh and turn your attention to your sorrowful lover, "I take this as you have to leave now, yes?"

Aizetsu nodded his head while he stood up from the bed still holding onto your hand. "I will be back for you, my beloved. Next time I will send a letter before surprising you again like this."

"You don't have to send a letter of notice anymore Aizetsu. If you surprise me like this again with a visit then I will be happy."

— UROGI

"UROGI!" You hollered from the from the ground and watched as your part-avian demonic lover flew through the sky terrorizing children. You knew that he wanted to eat them for sustenance, and while he was a demon and you were a human, you didn't want for him to do that to children. At least to keep his need to eat humans away from your sight and mind.

Once more you shout out his name, "Urogiiii!!"

He chortled and flew right past you shouting, "Just a moment my sunshine!" Your face fell into a frown when he did that. You could hear his boisterous laughter and the sound of children screaming afterwards. You did not want for him to consume those kids so you ran as fast as you could towards the sound.

"Urogi, do not eat those children!"

You came upon your lover and a small group of children, you thought that he had already began to eat them. Fortunately, you were wrong. Urogi was just playing with the human kids, and letting them climb on his back while he flew around with them. The stomach twisting feeling you had went away and you were relieved to find out the children were unharmed. Some of them had bright grins on their cherubic faces as Urogi leapt up towards the sky with three of them on his back and circle the glade.

The demon winked at you from above and played around with the children for a while. You waited for him to eventually descend from the ground safely with the kids and told the group to not tell their parents that a bird-man was flying around with them. For one, you didn't want to get into trouble, and two you didn't want for Urogi to end up getting killed by a hashira. To keep the children's promise not to tattle, you offered them candied treats if they wanted to play with Urogi again and led them to the path of their village before waving them goodbye.

After you watched the last child leave to go into their village, you turn your attention to Urogi and scowled at him. "Urogi! What the heck were you thinking?! Those children could have told their parents!"

"Relax, sunshine, those children weren't hurt were they? They'll be fine!"

You smack your hand to your forehead and rub your temples, grumbling, "That's not what I meant you bird brain! Children have loud mouths, if any of them tell someone about a bird-man flying around with them, they will come to get you!"

Urogi rolls his eyes at your excessive worry, "Calm down, do you want to go flying with me too? Is that it?" He took a step forward when you took a step back.

"W-What? No! I don't want to go-"

"Let's go for a ride, sunshine!"

As soon as the words left from his mouth, Urogi snatched you by the waist and took off with you into the night sky. The shrill shriek you emitted echoed as you wrestled with the demon to let you go. However you immediately stop once you realize that if keep struggling, and Urogi (accidentally of course) drops you, you could end up looking like a pancake. You glare at you lover who just smiles at you cheerfully.

You throw your arms over his shoulders and shout, "This isn't funny, Urogi!" Your eyes take a peek at how high up you are and you quickly hide your face in the junction of his neck and collarbone. A small fearful whimper resonating from you.

"It's not funny for you but I am having a joyous time right now!" He lowered you two towards the ground, though still he hovered just a few feet above. "Now does this make you more comfortable sunshine?"

"Yes it does."

You caught him off guard when you planted your lips against his. The kiss was fleeting, yet it still brought his mind to a brief pause. His golden eyes widen at you and he stood with his feet on the ground. The demon looks away from you once you start to grin.

"What's wrong my birdie? Did that kiss catch you off guard?"

"Don't tease me like that sunshine or you could end up in a predicament."

notes: it was not my intention to use gifs created by the same person lol but they all looked really good so- why not? also sorry for not posting as much, i have been fairly busy and also mentally drained these past few weeks.