#and doesn’t want to let people down
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Raven never actually doing anything evil or falling into that is so special to me. Everyone expects her to. The way people treat her, she has EVERY reason to and I wouldn’t hold it against her. But despite the fact that no one believes in her or views her as not-evil, she still never wavers on her values. No one recognizes her for it or sees her any different yet she still does it because it’s the right thing!! I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!
#Can we also talk about her guilt complex#she literally just cares so much#and doesn’t want to let people down#And if it truly was harmful and would make her friends disappear#she would sign in the end 😭😭#UGH love her <3#raven queen#ever after high
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I just realized some people are confused about events in the alluded to past in Mouthwashing, particularly about how long the crew has been working together.
The only person who is truly new is Daisuke and it’s why his dynamic with the crew and role in the story is very unique and somewhat distant. Curly didn’t just get Jimmy this job on the Tulpar, he got him the job with the Pony Express. He’s been his copilot for probably a couple of years but still not as long as they’ve been friends. None of them are new with the freight industry, Anya and Swansea especially have been doing this for years, together.
Jimmy is the newest on the regular crew, maybe just a few assignments, but it’s not his first time working with them. I think it’s just something important because this isn’t just one bad mistake that snowballed with giving Jimmy the job. None of them thought Jimmy would do anything, no matter how off-put by him they could’ve been, since he hadn’t done a thing since being there. Generally unpleasantness isn’t a crime and he’d be aware of that.
It was a festering thing and a sort of forced trust they had to give him that he knowingly took advantage of. He was the black sheep and still a wolf under the wool. He expected when he lashed out, that he had been there long enough for it to be looked over completely. Got too comfortable in the space he inserted into and did a lot of damage with his claws when he felt he was going to get shaken out.
#I think acting like if Curly just didn’t give Jim the job this wouldn’t have happened is underplaying that they’ve all been working for PE#for a bit and that Jimmy got comfortable enough to do something horrible like#a lot of factors made the trip being out the worse parts of them but Jimmy was slowly letting his worse parts show and I think people assume#that this was one a few mission he went on with Curly and that he advocated for him completely when it was more likely#he pulled some strings so Jimmy could work right under him and stay out of trouble with a decent job and it back fired cause Jimmy is just#not a good person like I see people acting like his breakdown and choice to crash the ship was because this was probably one of the last#chances to fix his life and he couldn’t admit he fucked up soemthing literally handed to him so badly and cruelly#I think people forget that predators like Jimmy rarely do anything the first day. or week or month or year#they ingrain themselves into the schedule and dynamic and build a sort of stability that make it harder to knock them down or push back#he has Curly’s trust as the co pilot and as a friend#Swansea doesn’t like him but doesn’t trust him and Anya is just wary initially#he doesnt even attack her at the start of the trip it’s implied it happens after the psyche evals and when she confides in Curly how#patronizing he is to her and her position. he’s retaliating against a perceived slight to his stability to him it was pure act of power and#anger because he’s at his core an avoidant bully who can’t take responsibility#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#jimmy mouthwashing#I didn’t want this to be a Jimmy post but it is#more so about how abusers like Jimmy work but I digress cause most of it’s in the comments
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Thoughts on the Typhlosion allegations/pokemon teraleaks?
Okay, here’s what I’ll say about that. (And fair warning, it is nothing positive)
I think the fandoms reaction to these “leaks” has been absolutely ridiculous. They are not canon, they do not change pre-existing information present in the games and anime. Concept art is interesting, but things that were scrapped and did not appear in the actual media should not be regarded as fact.
Especially the Typhlosion thing, it’s like if jk Rowling said ‘oh yeah at one point in the writing process I thought Harry Potter would be a girl, but I changed my mind’ and the fandom went ‘oh my god Harry’s been a girl this whole time!’ Like no, a lot of work and ideas go into the concept and development of works like these, and then creators pick and choose the best of their ideas and use that, but I think it’s very problematic to judge them on the concepts that they themselves already decided weren’t good enough to use.
I have very strict opinions about what counts as canon, and that very simply is ‘what is in the work itself’. Unused concepts, things a creator said years later online, and really popular headcanons don’t count. They’ll never count, sorry but that’s not how language works, you can’t just redefine canon to encompass anything that maybe could have been a part of the project. It can be super neat to look at what changes could have been made, but it needs to be understood that that does not impact what the actual game is like.
This Typhlosion thing especially, it *could* be neat if people just took the scrapped stories to go “oh yeah the Pokémon world could have had myths and legends similar to our own! That will be interesting to explore in fan works!” But that’s not what the majority of people did. Instead, people took it to mean that somehow all Typhlosion are secretly evil and shouldn’t be left alone with children and anyone who has one or likes that Pokémon should be ridiculed based on nothing.
Because the stuff that in those leaks (baring things about unreleased games) are nothing. Looking at them in the sense of seeing ‘How It’s Made’ is interesting, fine go for it yeah sure, but they have absolutely no bearing on the actual franchise itself. And I have no patience for the people taking them as gospel and insisting they be considered more true over the actual canon.
#this buissness with the leaks has made me so frustrated#so I’ve been avoiding them as much as possible#not to mention from what I heard real employees data also got leaked#so maybe let’s not make the leaks super popular and encourage this behaviour#It’s already so stressful to make your work public because of how judgmental the internet always is#I don’t like the idea people can’t even have bad ideas in the concept stage without getting torn apart for it#in my own works I’ve had ideas and written them down before thinking actually this isn’t as good as something else#and the scrapping the bad idea#that doesn’t mean those bad ideas are the secret real canon#I’ve had very negative experiences in the past about being told something was secretly canon (for the record no it wasn’t) and so because of#that my headcanon made me a shit person#and that’s ridiculous#I’ll bang this drum all the live long day#have as many head canons as you want#but don’t get mad when someone else’s head canons or the sorce material disagrees with you#I love Pokemon and these leaks are dumb#plus apparently the Typhlosion thing was a mistranslation#my Typhlosion from Ultra Moon EH-FLAMME doesnt deserve this slander lol#for the record her name came from Wondertrade I didn’t pick it#Pokémon#teraleak
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OKAY! Chatot rant in tags below! Read at your own discretion.
#okay starting from the beginning of where ppl usually dislike him. apple woods chapter.#he doesn’t give hero/partner the CHANCE to explain themselves despite them being relatively good recruits up until that point.#and that legit might be my only gripe with that chapter bc!!! stories need conflict! I LIKE the conflict in apple woods!!!#hero and partner being punished so something they didn’t do!#the misunderstanding! how team skull (Skuntank) actually outplays the main duo with a clever yet rotten trick. I LOVE that it segways into-#one of the more sweeter scenes of guild members looking out for eachother. I LIKE APPLE WOODS CONFLICT.#but chatot just. not giving them a chance. is so dumb.#I’d personally fix this by having a lil montage of hero/partner fucking up on jobs. A LOT. and chatot giving them a pass every time.#and let the perfect apple incident BE the one where he puts his foot down and doesn’t listen to them. bc he’d given them loads of chances.#and doesn’t want to hear any excuse.#but yeah. I legit dont mind him during that chapter except for that really stupid and frustrating moment.#NOW. CHAPTER 17.#UGGGGHHH WHERE DO I BEGIN#Him not believing hero and Partner about Grovyle and the future being in ruin? FINE. ACTUALLY GOOD. BC CHATOT WOULD BE SKEPTIC.#IT FITS HIS CHARACTER!!#BUT WHAT DOES SUCK. IS HIM GOING ‘Dusknoir isn’t the bad guy. he didn’t do anything wrong��#WHEN HE LITERALLY KIDNAPPED HERO AND PARTNER RIGHT I N F R O N T OF HIM.#(NO LITERALLY. HIS CHARACTER IS IN THE FRONT ROW WHEN IT HAPPENED.)#and him. having the GALL to tell hero and partner they must’ve been ‘seeing things’ and downplaying the HELL they went through.#despite them being missing for hours/days. his own guild recruits. and his angry sprite showing up.#like. I think that’s when I genuinely despised him.#that and him going ‘OH I BELIEVED YOU THE WHOLE TIME HEEHOO :)’ shit was so fucking annoying.#just playing it off as a joke the second the guild started to believe hero and partner.#IMAGINE IF HE W A S ACTUALLY TESTING THE GUILD’S TRUST. SHOWCASING HIM AS THE MORE RESPONSIBLE AND RESPECTFUL RIGHT HAND OF THE GUILD.#and yes. Brine cave he saves hero and partner. but at that point I just didn’t care anymore.#he fucked those two over so much. that I didn’t care what ‘valiant’ sacrifice he had.#and he grills Team Skull for what they did OFF SCREEN. they couldn’t even give us THAT.#<<< THAT or him outright saying sorry would’ve been nice. IKIK his ‘actions’ or whatever but.#eughh again this is all imo. I’m not trying to make people hate him or change their mind.#I’ll get into positives in the second post cause I’m running out of tags
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Woopdeedoo time for another AU ‼️
This one I call my WoF Controlled AU. It’s one of my FAVORITES
Remember at the end of Talons of Power when Darkstalker and both Anemone and Stonemover under his control for a second? When I read that scene alarms started going off in my brain and I was like holy shit this has potential
The simplified version of this is that Turtle was able to escape Darkstalker, who decided to thicken the spell he had on Anemone and Stonemover, turning them into his puppets. During the battle of Jade Mountain, he has them use their magic to fight against the IceWings. They have zero control over themselves and do whatever Darkstalker wills them to
The funniest bit is that Darkstalker decides what the two of them do with their powers, so Stonemover uses rocks and basically the entire ass mountain as his weapons because why not
Also he can control lava 😈
Bonus:
Turtle: *enchants a large boulder to attack Stonemover*
Moon: Turtle, no! Drop it! We don’t throw boulders at Sunny’s father!
Stonemover: *uses magic to hurl a boulder at them*
Turtle: OH BUT HE GETS TO THROW BOULDERS AT US-
#Sunny is absolutely LIVID at darkstalker#Tsunami thinks it’s funny as shit#also tsunami doesn’t get kidnapped by Foeslayer in this AU because I can do what I want#it’s MY au I get to pick which characters it’s centered around#I’ll post anemone eventually I promise#whenever I get the motivation to draw her#I had such a hard time drawing this piece let me tell you-#I kept having complications with the canvas and eventually had to redo the entire thing#I fucking love my stonemover design#when people add actual pictures of stars to nightwings it’s just#chefs kiss#Whoops I forgot the silver scales that run down a nightwings body#my bad#I hope you guys like this au as much as I do#wings of fire#wof controlled au#controlled au#wings of fire au#wof#stonemover#stonemover wof#Wings of Fire fanart#fanart#Digital art#my art#iArtbook#artists on tumblr#AU
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think cannibalism should be a thing in menzoberranzan actually, or maybe it is and I haven’t known about it, but it should be a thing amongst the nobles where they eat rival lolth priestesses since they’re lolth’s fave sacrifices anyway. like if we’re all constantly vying for lolth’s approval, and you have these people who actually has her blessing (which is rare) why not….eat them….😳. like eating the priestess of a rival house would be a ritual after you’ve succeeded in bringing their house down as a way to consume lolth’s blessing, and its def an intimidation tactic and def one of the plenty weird shit nobles have done for the sake of playing their power games. maybe they eat males who are in power too if they’ve overstepped their position to remind them of their place in the hierarchy, or maybe matriarchs/nobles eat their favourite bed mate/partner so no one else can have them, kind of like actual spiders. anyway. if menzoberranzan is this immoral lethal and ruthless place cannibalism should def be a thing lol
#I don’t think shri’iia has ate someone tho…. she wasn’t exactly a noble#like my belief is the further away you are from the power game (nobility) the more of a ‘normal’ life you’ll lead#bc you’re not exactly playing The Game. but the normal is like whatever they considered normal down there#obvi it’ll still be dangerous since the city itself is dangerous but it’s less risky than if you actually were in the noble houses#and you’re actively plotting with each other. also with drows lifespans being relatively shorter compared to elves#bc they’re always trying to kill each other like WHY NOT eat each other too!!#let evil women eat people 🗣️🗣️🗣️‼️#shri’iia being hidden away is a blessing bc the reason why she’s managed to surpass the average drow lifespan is that she was just locked#off from society and a curse bc she’s going through the psychological torture while she’s isolated lol#anyway. do hc drow nobles eat each other 🫶 and I think slaves/lowborn folks eat each other too esp if food is scarce#but it’s more common in nobility since it’s more of a power play than survival.#firm believer that not a lot of great houses gaf about the welfare of their common people#as long as they served them and did their jobs then they’re fine. who cares if they’re starving#and if they revolted they’d prob get put down. public executions would b a common thing too esp from that book in the drow cache#where punishments should be public… tho that was with lolth traitors I think the definition of traitor could be stretched to anyone who#doesn’t follow their doctrine and I think that word is loosely applied down there and if you want to frame someone with no repercussions#you can just accuse them of betraying lolth and they’ll get punished right away.
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Something I find really funny is how for all the rumors that Seed’s staff/writers don’t like Cagalli, Orb under her leadership just keeps ending up in a better (political) position with each addition - Seed Destiny ends with Logos wiped out, Blue Cosmos severely hampered, and the entire Seiran family wiped out, including Yuna. This leaves Cagalli with almost no political opposition in Orb (since the second Battle of Orb would’ve flushed out a majority of the Blue Cosmos/Logos sympathizers within the government/military), along with giving her a boost in popular and military support thanks to her actions and field leadership during the battle.
(Cutting for me just rambling on a bit about the in-universe politics after Seed Freedom)
You can tell with how much she’s managed to get done in the years between Seed Destiny and Seed Freedom - in that short year and a half to two years, she was able to propose and found COMPASS, secret away and upgrade the Impulse, Destiny, Strike Freedom, and Infinite Justice, arrange for ties between Orb and Terminal to investigate/exchange intel (Athrun and Meyrin), and put into place all the evacuation/defensive protocols in case of another attack on Orb (as seen vs Foundation and Requiem, even if she needed Kira to pull an “I lived, bitch” to Aura 😅).
And it doesn’t end there - thanks to Foundation, Cagalli arguably has an easier time internationally now, because the Eurasian Federation leadership also got hit and the Eurasian Federation, while not necessarily Blue Cosmos sympathizers like the Atlantic Federation, was very staunchly anti-PLANT, which I think would’ve caused some problems for Cagalli, especially post Seed Destiny with Lacus joining her for that broadcast.
I actually think Orb probably has fairly decent diplomatic relations with PLANT (I think Chairman Lament mostly cut off that call after everything went south in Eldore because of the whole nuke situation), especially since Lacus is COMPASS’s inaugural president, plus the time both Dearka and Waltfeld (I’m not sure if he’s in Orb or PLANT as of Seed Freedom since his silent cameo has him helping to stop the coup in PLANT in Seed Freedom) spent there. And we have a very prominent all-Coordinator team with the Yamato Team - truth be told I actually wonder how much the Earth Alliance invested into COMPASS because everything we see on screen is either contributed by Orb (Archangel, Murrue and crew, Kira, Mu, and the Murasame Kais), PLANT/ZAFT (Millenium, Konoe and crew, Heinlein, Shinn, Lunamaria, Agnes, Gelgoog, and Gyan), or arguably both (namely, Rising Freedom and Immortal Justice). Unless I missed a minor crew member along the way. Which is possible.
Also pure speculation on my part on this - but the fact Seed Freedom has Athrun going into intelligence with Terminal (which we first see as having a presence in the PLANTS) from the Orb side and Yzak and Dearka going into intelligence from the PLANT side can’t be a coincidence. I want to think the three of them decided on it together because being in intelligence/covert ops gives them the chance to work together without having to force anyone to change their current loyalties - I don’t think Athrun can be truly loyal to anyone except Cagalli after Seed Destiny, and Yzak was always loyal to PLANT, and if Dearka hadn’t been captured and made to realize how extreme PLANT had become under Patrick Zala he wouldn’t have switched sides to Orb/Three Ships Alliance during Seed either. Which also indirectly feeds into Orb and PLANT having better political relations than Orb and Earth Alliance.
Which brings me to my final point - I would be very surprised if Orb isn’t the primary target for the antagonists in a Seed Freedom sequel. At this point Orb’s capable of doing too much with the limited resources it has as a small nation with too much military strength at its command. And there is room for a sequel (setting-wise) because while Earth Alliance took another major hit with during the Foundation Conflict, the ideologies that led to the First and Second Earth Alliance-PLANT wars still exist - even if Blue Cosmos lost another leader, even if the believers of Coordinator Supremacy lost another leader (in Jagannath) those ideologies still fundamentally exist. All the Foundation Conflict did was serve to take down the military leadership of those ideologies - even if the public on both sides see those views negatively it doesn’t make them go away.
#gundam seed#cagalli yula athha#I like taking the political landscape of Cosmic Era into account when I write#it’s just so funny to me bc Orb and Cagalli just keeps getting more badass every time#like Orb has 2 One Man Armies at its beck and call as it is#Kira and Athrun if need be can and will just take out swathes of an invasion force#especially if there’s no opposing prototype unit#and that’s assuming Shinn doesn’t try to help#and Mu is like … half one since he’d go in the Akatsuki#and Akatsuki is battery powered#I do think AsuCaga going public would cause a shift in power balance#even post Seed Freedom bc Earth Alliance still has some power in its own right#and bc most people will associate Athrun with PLANT before Orb due to his name#it might be less bad if it’s after Cagalli steps down as Chief Representative#but I think she would still have some degree of political pull unofficially after#and I think Athrun would have more time to put some distance between himself and his father’s legacy#I think him going into Terminal is a smart choice bc it also lets him do what he wants while staying out of the spotlight#I’ll stop talking in the tags now#just know I find it all fascinating as a backdrop for AsuCaga fic writing purposes
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wille not being able to say erik died is such an important showing of his grief
#young royals#we obviously saw his grieving in the first ep when he was in erik’s room#but this is the first time we’ve seen how his grief presents around other people#it was easy to admit erik was dead when he was drunk and high but now with nothing to hide behind he can’t do it#it’s almost like by saying it he’s still trying to forget that it’s real#it could also be that he doesn’t trust boris bc this is his first appointment with him#and august was like family#but as soon as boris says he doesn’t have to talk after this he stops#obvi we know he doesn’t want to be there his mom is making him go but k think he stopped bc talking about erik is too painful#every time we’ve seen him think about erik he shuts down#both in his room where he lets his grief surround him literally with erik’s jacket and also when malin broke the snow globe#all the fight seemed to go out of him as he took the phone from jan-olof to talk to his mom#but his focus was still on the snow globe and erik#also sorry about the pic quality i took a pic of my laptop bc i’m lazy lmao#young royals season 2 spoilers#yr s2 spoilers#my yr thoughts
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ARE YOU A SOLDIER, POET OR KING ?
THE KING — ( there will come a ruler / whose brow is laid in thorn / smeared with oil like david’s boy )
duty. strength. resignation. you were told to do things and you did them. the world is something that was put into your hands and that you must deal with, so you will. you have a rigid back and steady hands, either metaphorically or physically. is it nature or nurture ? you don’t know. you are tired of being steady. you dream of feeling alive. not that you aren’t, but sometimes it is hard to remember there is a heart between your ribs. your love is where you breathe. come on, breathe. in. out. it starts now.
tagging: @wyrmsire , @lcerys , @worthyheir , @glorytragedy, @sanctamater , @lenfear, @calantar and @sentys
#dash games //#thought about this song again and checked uquiz and here we are#YOU WERE TOLD TO DO THINGS AND YOU DID THEM#the world is something that was put into your hands and that you must deal with so you do -#listen. look#listen#she wasn’t lacking anything in not being the heir#she did not feel as though she was lacking anything or that she was missing her shot in not being named but then she was and she ? Wants to#DO A GOOD JOB AT IT LIKE#does it make her particularly happy ? no but that doesn’t matter ! she cant just sacrifice her placement at court bc it makes her miserable#bc people support her now ! a lot of people support her now and she can’t let them down !#the steadiness is very much nurture and very necessary to regain control of herself in her environment and if it can comfort and steady#other people ? So much the better
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LOVE when the pharmacy decides to fucking dick around with my meds so badly that now I’m off my mood stabilizer, my pain meds, and my fucking birth control (in a few days) because they’re insisting I should have extra fucking bottles of each one and I DONT because they don’t let me pick up more than a one month supply of narcotics at a fucking time so do explain where these extra bottles are, hmm ????? and they didn’t have enough caplyta ordered last time to even give me my usual 3 months supply of that so … ???? get your fucking heads out of your asses and give me the fucking meds you owe me ??? like ??? but I’m in a nasty headspace right now so if I call the pharmacy this morning, I’m going to be that cunt ass customer they bitch about all day because this isn’t the first time they’ve done this. in fact, the first time, they straight up committed insurance fraud by marking one of my scripts as filled and picked up WHEN, IN REALITY, THEY FUCKING LOST THE SCRIPT AND HAD NO RECORD OF IT BEING FILLED OR PICKED UP IN THEIR SYSTEM, BUT YET, MARKED IT AS SUCH AND CHARGED MY INSURANCE AN ALMOST 8 GRAND FOR THE FUCKING 3 MONTHS OF MY MOOD STABILIZER THAT I. NEVER. RECEIVED. I’m genuinely about to report this entire pharmacy to the pharmacy board because I’m so fucking done with this place. it needs to be shut the fuck down because you’re telling me, out of an entire pharmacy, y’all share the same IQ point AND dead brain cell, collectively ??? then don’t fucking work in healthcare where people rely on you to know your shit and keep track of their fucking meds because you’re just constantly making shit worse on people since you can’t seem to not fuck around with these meds and not ‘lose’ scripts. fuck out of here.
and I’m pretty much out of weed, which is usually my back up pain management method, without the money to afford a delivery order by their cut off time to order in 3 hours because I just paid my fucking bills and have SOME to go towards it, but not enough for delivery to be free, and I’d still have to walk my ass to one of the ATM’s nearby because they don’t accept my bank as a prepaid method OR any of the cards I have on my person. 🫠
I can literally feel my back spasming and seizing on and off while I’m laying on my fucking side, I’ve had a migraine with a stupid ass aura for almost a week now because chronic migraines fucking suck and i was REALLY hoping this one would be over by now, my muscle inflammations that my pain meds are supposed to limit are already beginning to start their itching deep in my muscles so soon they’ll blossom into a whole fibromyalgia fucking episode and become entirely inflamed, my joints in my hands fucking hurt because of the dreary weather so I really need to get into a rheumatologist at some point soon as well and get that shit figured out, I’m nauseas as fuck from all the pain, and I’m moody, hormonal, and just feel like fucking death physically.
I’m just. I give up.
this shit is exhausting and painful and so mentally fucking taxing to constantly deal with and I just want a fucking break from all this fucking shit. I wish I could just … not exist … for even just a little while with how fucking painful existing actually feels right now 🫠😭
#i hate that CT weed is so fucking expensive#half a fucking ounce shouldn’t cost me $250 …….. not when I can go to MA and get an ounce for $108 after tax ……..#but I don’t have a way to MA because my fucking best friend. who made plans with me OVER THE WEEKEND. HER. SHE INITIATED THEM.#canceled on me last second even though I texted her early the night before when I know she would see it 🫠#nope instead she waited from the text I sent at 6:30pm until noon the next day to cancel because her period is kicking her ass#NOT FOR FUCKING NOTHING BUT SO THE HELL IS MINE ???? AND IM ANEMIC ??? AND DEALING WITH ALL THIS EXTRA PAIN ON TOP OF IT ????#and I know I’m being irrational and insensitive because pain tolerance is a sliding scale for everyone#but like fucking come on you do this 3 out of 4 times YOU make the plans to hang out and I’m fucking over it.#plus I’m the one that always pays for everything and does she ever even OFFER to hit me back for the COUNTLESS ounces of weed I’ve got her#all because she couldn’t afford it so I said I’d cover it and she never paid me back. I’ve bought her at least a grand’s worth of weed#just over the last couple months and she’s never ONCE offered to pay me back for a single one#like ……… I don’t expect it. I give if I have it. but you can’t even just offer ??? like the invitation to pay me back would be enough to no#leave m ragingly pissed off and feeling used as an atm again for yet another ‘friend’ because they don’t even OFFER to be considerate#of course I’d say not to worry about it but it doesn’t even cross your fucking head to ask if I want anything towards it#like the next time you get paid ??? when you go and spend your own money on weed that day but can’t reimburse me for anything IVE paid for#oh and I always have to give her gas money if I even simply just want to hang out because she’s always fucking broke somehow#and she works in healthcare like bitch I know what you make and you can’t play that you don’t have enough to get by or throw me 50 bucks#towards YOUR weed that I’m buying every once in a fucking while when I’m already paying for everything fucking else#I’m so angry and I know I’m being irrational and bitchy but this is what happens when you’re tripped off your meds cold turkey#and one of them is a mood stabilizer that makes it so you DONT feel this way about people and aren’t so bitter when you’re let down 🫠🫠🫠#because now my rejection sensitive dysphoria is going to be triggered even easier than usual and I’m just.#I actually fucking give up. I don’t even know what to do here. the pain going through my body is so fucking intense#I keep losing my train of thought because everything hurts and then every once in a while a DIFFERENT pain acts up and throws itself in too#I just. I just can’t fucking win.#I hate fucking struggling with my mental state like this when I’m off my meds.#and because I have to be a month without my stabilizer/pain management/birth control it’s going to take me ANOTHER month to get readjusted#to those in my body so I won’t feel normal again until nearly fucking mid to end January the earliest#and that’s fucking bullshit. I’m going to fucking **** myself by the time I get back on these fucking meds since it’ll take that long#fucking hell I just. I give up. I give in. I’m self isolating and cutting myself off from everyone because it’ll be in THEIR best interest#for me to do so when I can’t control my mind like this. I’m so tired of feeling so fucking shitty and I’ve only been off them for two days
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Solar eclipse gave me thoughts:
What if there was an eclipse over Camelot? And what if that eclipse happened shortly after Arthur’s birth? When Uther is completely raw from Ygraine’s death and is just beginning to blame magic? What if the day turned dark, and people went blind, and fear spread across the land? Because after all, the only thing that could possibly cause this is magic, and so Uther’s decree for its eradication is welcomed with open arms
#bbc merlin#not saying uther needed more fuel against magic but just imagine#the sun goes dark#people can’t help but look at it#the science doesn’t exist yet to tell them how dangerous it is to look at it like this#after the death of the queen it seems like the next step in a plot to bring down the kingdom#uther can’t let it stand#he must declare magic the enemy#(if you want to make it poetic maybe the eclipse happens on the day merlin is born)#(or maybe on the day kilgarrah is captured if hc the loss of so much magic in the world caused merlin to be magic incarnate)
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Benny x Courier but the Courier is increasingly in denial for their feelings for Benny cause they see him as this loser pretty city boy Vegas type and they slowly (or rather quickly) realize that there were in fact reasons why Benny was able to manipulate so many people, infiltrate the Fort and avoid serious injury for all of it.
Like surprise the corniest loser you know is actually pretty badass and you kinda find that infuriatingly attractive.
#loser boyfriend that goes down on you right after reciting the lamest sexy talk ever#like I’d be so pissed if I was The Courier like why is this guy#so stupid but making it work like the courier would’ve been dead#like pls I beg yall to write Benny correctly it’s so hard to see content for him that doesn’t even get his scary parts#he’s more sassy and sardonic than silly yall just make him lame like he’d def talk back#this guy wouldn’t be able to bite his tongue if you fried it up and fed it to him#like yall write him so lame yall don’t get Benny like I do he bites people then gaslights them on it being an accident like get good#he’s more ass than hole guys he’d hold his own and be a bitch about it#plus I am team Benny would not let someone be in charge of him too many of you like treat him like he wouldn’t be like#Joshua graham and refuse to hold the couriers shit or that’s he wouldn’t argue or even fight the courier if they got in his face like he#is literally alway programmed to aim for your head he wants you fucking dead he’s a raider at heart treat him as such like slimy doesnt mean#he’s a useless coward have variety in how you characterize ur blorbos they can’t all be wet dogs#fallout#fallout new vegas#fnv#benny gecko#Benny fnv
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Fandom stop diminishing the care Naruto has first everyone in his life and acting like he can only truly care for one person
Actually stop doing it with everyone 🥰🥰🥰
#yes Naruto would do a lot for Sasuke#but that doesn’t mean Sasuke is the ONLY person Naruto cares for#and let’s not oretend Naruto wouldn’t have gone nine tails for any of his precious people#that’s not reserved just for Hinata she’s just the one who almost died trying to protect him#if he’d known Pein was aboht to kill Iruka he would have lost it#and bet if the fight had ended and Kakashi stayed dead he would have broken down#but he also knew Kakashi would want him to fight to protect his precious people FIRST#and mourn him after#same goes for Kakashi and Sasuke and every other character#they all have multipule important bonds and none of them should be deminished for the bond between them and whoever we ship them with
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what i’ve been working on recently is antagonizing people less and part of that is identifying a positive feedback loop in my thought patterns that feeds into that and it goes like this:
antagonizing people -> bad faith interpretation of every action by misrepresenting all actions as somehow hostile -> defensiveness and righteous anger -> judging other people the way i assume i’m being judged -> difficulty feeling sympathy for people even when they need or deserve sympathy -> antagonizing people -> etc forever and ever
luckily i think i’m okay about not being actively hostile to other people lol even if i feel like they might be hostile to me but it’s pretty mentally exhausting to see everybody as a potential enemy and carrying around all this paranoia over whether or not they’re taking little jabs at me or undermining me or being rude or judgmental or condescending or even slightly standoffish like stopppp you don’t even care about other people’s opinions so why does it matter. and why is it literally every single person you interact with every single day, not every single person in the whole city hates you, especially total strangers. settle down
#it doesn’t help when i feel let down by people and it’s like see???? can’t rely on anyone!! can’t trust anyone!! etc#like okay one person one time did something you didn’t like. why do you need to latch onto that experience#instead of all the positive experiences you’ve ever had with other people#but tbh i hate feeling naive like that so that feeling cuts through the part of my brain that#wants to believe that people are generally well-intentioned#i guess i believe that people are generally well-intentioned. i just think that other factors of people’s behavior have greater influence#and i think people are mean lol and i think people cling to whatever bolsters their own egos#anyway sorry to be a hater. i’m working on being less of a hater
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Mmm having another like venting in my head but knowing the second im done venting im gonna be like you didnt mean that tho moment
#its just hhhh I was not in the mood for other people today and my friend came over and took most of my day away and like… oh maybe there is#such a thing as relying too much on people and its this friend like rrrrr the i didnt mean that is because no people need to talk about thin#gs it’s healthy I dont want people to think theyre bad for taking my time its just that I wasnt feeling it for most of today I needed to be#by myself and like enjoy my games by myself and I attempted to make that known and i dont think they got the hint#and just hhh stop trying to bring up your problems right now this is my time to play a game I really wanna enjoy and i dont think im enjoyin#it as much as I could if I played it first by myself and I didnt say that directly so no way they could know and I will finish it on my own#hopefully if i have time cause thats it I dont have enough time for myself I need me time#and also my friend Needs to stop making suicide jokes. thats it thats the main one. like dude im having fun how do i respond to the reminder#that my friend doesn’t want to live#and going back attempting to bring up a problem while im gaming. I could of answered their question better but i was in such a mood that it#was like okay im gonna dismiss you and I dont want to dismiss struggling people no thats not who i want to be i want to help#… I hate it when I cant help so much#vent#I swear the timing of this to be when a certain someone went to bed was purely coincidence its just that I got back from friend hang rn#tw suicide mention#why is it when im in a mood I just sorta hate some of my friends like i was getting annoyed at them taking my drinks/snacks when usually im#like oh yeah go for it#is it oh youre in a mood you get the opposite of your usual love your friends with your entire heart or is it that like deep down I think th#ey take more than they give back. I have before almost said that I feel like I help their issues but they dismiss mine but then i got distra#cted by them essentially helping with it but like im not even sure if that was in response to me saying im lonely#also okay at one point they thanked me it was the bit where they said im their reason to live and then immediately asked if they could come#over and its like. well okay i feel like I have no choice here#and yesterday they mentioned oh i think I might take up too much of your time or something and like im too nice to tell you yeah sometimes#but it is to note i didn’t outright say no you dont I always love spending time with you or something i said oh i tell you if i really cant#due to homework. I am not made to be immediately busy immediately after i finish school I need time for myself#and im sorry you don’t have things to do on sat-wed but I have work I need to do cause there’s always so much work so at least thanks for#letting me have that time#… I love them I want to see them get better… so i wont say this to them
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okay what i have to say is lowkey embarrassing but i wanna bitch and it’s probably only embarrassing to me bc im shy about this stuff anyways the moral of the story is i wanna bitch and u should probably just ignore me. god bless
#honestly halfway through the wedding i did see this guy i thought was rlly cute#like. REALLY cute (so fucking embarrassing)#but i’m too shy to talk to hot people and i’ve never approached anyone before and no one’s ever approached me so i don’t know what to do#idk how to talk to people to begin with let alone like. try to flirt or something#but as the night went on (this is so embarrassing) for some reason i literally couldn’t stop looking at him (kill me)#and he probably definitely noticed me looking at him so he probably thinks im some like. crazy creep or something#but like usually when i see someone attractive im just like oh wow and admire them from afar#but i COULDNT STOP LOOKING AT HIM! WHY! and for some reason i felt like i just really wanted to talk to him#but i didn’t know what to do! i just felt this urge to go try and start a conversation but i just. i couldn’t#and every time i thought i would work up the courage either my sister or my grandmother would come back and hover over me#and i didn’t wanna be like ‘sorry gotta go i need to go embarrass myself in front of this cute guy’#OR he would get up and start taking pictures again. it’s like he knew#he wasn’t even the official photographer he was just one of the guests who clearly wanted to take photos of his friends wedding. which like#is so endearing to me. he has HOBBIES. WOW. (kill me)#idk j can’t even put everything into words i just feel like screaming into a pillow AAAAAAUGHHH#i felt like i was in hs again there was a point i even excused myself to step outside just because he was out there#but he was talking to some old lady. so i was just sitting outside in the grass moping#i feel so stupid i dunno. why am i so worked up about this. i had a few opportunities to approach him and i didnt. because im an idiot#i feel like i’m down so bad which is so STUPID because i don’t even know his name and ill never see him again in my life#so it doesn’t even matter! and every time im like oh oh well it was just random infatuation clearly it wasn’t meant to be#but then i just get upset and all blushy cause he was SO CUTE! and i wanna know more about him! why!#i haven’t felt like this in FOREVER i just feel so stupid for even feeling this way#i know ill be fine in a few days or something but im just like. i wish i could have at least spoken to him once#sigh. idk what’s wrong with me#maybe he’s already dating someone anyways all the cute people seem to already be in relationships#except ME im the only one left. who am I supposed to date!!#i want to jump out the window#snow.txt
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