#[I’ve absolutely hit breaking point and I’m genuinely sorry to everyone. idk anymore. writing doesn’t make me feel better because I can’t

[godblooded]

i honest to god wonder when i can get a fucking break. i don’t know shit about my car. the fucking asshole who hit me won’t even give me his insurance shit. it looks like i’ll be alone on christmas because my uncle probably won’t be doing christmas eve. my aunt was completely wrong and i am in fact vastly and incredibly alone. i haven’t even had the chance to put up a christmas tree because it’s an incredible amount to do by myself and no one can come help me. the wreath on my front door? won’t stay up so there goes that i guess. at least i put down grave blankets. i feel like i’m the most irritating fucking person on the face of the earth. i wish with such incredible intensity i could just disappear but i have to go to work to a job that i can’t even take a week off from.

[an-everything-blog]

Everything's Different

Pairing: Billy Hargrove x Reader

Warnings: Language, some angst 

Summary: You were best friends with Billy, kinda fwb but not really? Anyway you confess your feelings and he don’t know how to deal. Strongly inspired by the song Body Ain’t Me by Pink Sweat$

Word Count: 1.7K

Author’s Note: I’m obsessed with writing for Billy rn idk why. I think s3 just really got to me. But anyway I’m usually not a big fan of song fics, but these songs just keep making me think of Billy! I highly recommend listening to the song, it’s very good!

Used to know you, but I don't know you now Everything's getting so blurry now Vision hurting, I can't stand the look of you now Everything’s different

Another night, another party, another hookup.

It’s been like this since May. Since the day you left him. It has been three months since he’s seen your beautiful smile. It’s all his fault. He’s the one that can’t properly love. You gave everything to him and he threw it away.

Billy shook his head aggressively trying to get the thought of you out of his head. Most nights he finds himself getting drunk to the point of forgetting the look in your eyes the last day he saw you.

Billy downed another shot of Jack and threw his arm around the nearest girl that was more than willing to follow him up to an empty room.

I heard you're movin' back from out of town I heard you travelin' all these miles and miles Tryna get back to my love, but it's harder now Everything's different

“Did you hear (Y/n) will be back on Monday?” Lauren said to Stacy in a low voice in hopes no one would hear her. To Billy’s dismay he caught your name and he physically couldn’t stop himself from listening. He was leaning against his car in the mall parking lot smoking a cigarette while waiting on Max to finish doing whatever she was doing. Lauren and Stacy were only a few cars down making small talk before they went their separate ways.

“Yeah I heard she was coming back from her internship! Did you know she had the option to stay, but word has it she is coming back for Billy Hargrove! Can you believe it?” Stacy laughed. Billy pushed the smoke out of his lungs in shock. She was coming back for him? After what he said to her?

“Well yeah I can believe it! She is desperately in love with him! It’s sad honestly. Seeing her draping herself all over him. I heard that he dumped her ass though and that’s why she left. Sad.” Lauren shrugged making Stacy giggle. Billy threw his cigarette down angrily. Half the shit they were talking about was bullshit. Billy hates small towns like this because word gets out quick and then it all turns into bullshit.

Billy turned and threw open his car door and deflating into his seat while hitting his steering wheel. You shouldn’t be affecting him this much. It has been three months and he most definitely didn’t have feelings for you. So why were you always on his mind? Why were the color of your eyes always in his sight?

He turned his key in the ignition aggressively and pressed down on the gas speeding past Lauren and Stacy and past the town forgetting about Max entirely in the process. He needed to get you off his mind...

I can't lie, I want you on me And girl, I wanna love you closely I don't want nobody on you If that body ain't me, body ain't me I lied when I said I hate you Baby, I was tryna get through

“I hate you! Get out! Just leave me the fuck alone (Y/n)!” He yelled abruptly. He was gripping his steering wheel much too tightly and he was looking forward refusing to look you in the eyes. You noticed his eyes were brimming with tears as yours were already falling. You didn’t understand and you wanted to hold him or shake him to try and grasp why he’s acting this way.

You told him you loved him. You hadn’t told him that yet because he hadn’t officially asked you to be his girlfriend. Yet he would always hold your hand and call you baby at the end of the day. And it was true. You did love him. Too much that you couldn’t contain it anymore. You loved the way he gave you that special smile that was only reserved for you. You loved the sound of his genuine laugh that you heard so rarely. You loved the shape of his birthmark right in the middle of his back, so small that not everyone would notice and you most definitely loved the way he cared even though he claims he doesn’t.

So when he pulled into your driveway and he kissed your cheek so tenderly you murmured it to him against his cheek not thinking twice about it. This made him freeze immediately and you feared you made a mistake.

You continued to look at Billy in shock at his confession. Hate is such a strong word and it made you flinch the moment it left his beautiful lips. He couldn’t possibly mean that right? Yeah he was upset when you told him you’d be leaving for the summer for your internship, but you didn’t think he’d be that upset by it.

You didn’t say anything as you slowly reached for the door handle hoping he would take it back, but he didn’t and your heart dropped like a stone on your stomach. You pushed the door open and closed it harshly before quickly walking into your house. You looked out your window watching as Billy beat his steering wheel before hitting his car in reverse and speeding down the road. You pressed your back against the door and slid down slowly as you stared blankly at the floor.

I don't want nobody on you If that body ain't me, body ain't me I've been hearin' voices, can't get 'em out You still playin' cool, but I need you now Vision clearer, I can see it all better now Everything's different

Billy was already four shots in the party he was at and the thoughts of you were well on their way out of Billy’s mind for the night as he eyed the crowd for yet another girl he could capture. Ever since you came back to town his thoughts were louder than ever. He hated feeling this way so he did what he did best. Drank away his feelings. Spotting his next target he started making his way over to her.

Suddenly his beer fell to the floor and he realized someone had bumped into him.

“Hey, fucking watch it-“ he exclaimed turning around.

“Oh my gosh I’m sorry-“ Billy gasped inaudibly hearing that voice. It couldn’t be. He turned fully and stumbled a bit getting a whiff of the perfume you always wore. Fuck. He cant do this right now.

You looked up to him in shock not expecting to see Billy so soon. He still looked so beautiful and your heart twitched seeing that head full of curls. You noticed he looked scared and you hated that you made him feel like that because you were the one that he went to for everything. He quickly stumbled away from you and out the door.

Billy gasped for fresh air as his heart dropped and stomach turned. He didn’t expect to see you so soon and he most definitely was not prepared for it. He wasn’t prepared to see those eyes or the curve of your nose. Your beauty struck him in the face and he immediately noticed that you got a trim on your hair and he hated that he noticed something so minute about you when he told himself he didn’t care for you.

He then suddenly realized at 12:43 in the morning, that he loved you too.

Yeah, I know you got a whole lot to figure out Just know that I'm always here for you girl, no doubt Before buildin' up, sometimes gotta break it down Everything's different

It had been a few days since you seen Billy at the party and you have to say, you were pretty shaken when you saw him. You knew you still loved him, but you thought maybe it would be a little better seeing him. As it turns out it made it that much harder and your feelings immediately came back stronger than ever. You sighed trying to will him away from your thoughts like you’d been doing all summer.

There was a soft knock on your door and without thinking much of it, you hopped of your kitchen counter and pulled open the door. You gasped seeing him.

“Billy..” You sighed before he spoke up.

“No, please before you say anything just let me say what I have to say, okay?” Billy said softly looking into your eyes. You couldn’t bring yourself to say anything so you just nodded.

I can't lie, I want you on me And girl, I wanna love you closely I don't want nobody on you If that body ain't me, body ain't me I lied when I said I hate you Baby, I was tryna get through I don't want nobody on you If that body ain't me, body ain't me

“Look... I know what I said was... awful. Like really awful. But I hope you know that I lied when I said I hated you. I could never hate you. Like ever. And I’m going to be honest here, when you left I became a complete Jackass. I slept around a lot and drank a whole lot more. That’s not fair to you and I’m sorry. I was just trying to get through all of my thoughts and trying to push them away at the same time. But when I saw you the other day I couldn’t run from it anymore.” Billy breathes out pausing for a second. You look into his eyes hopeful before he inhales and continues.

“I am in love with you. And it scares the absolute shit out of me and obviously I didn’t know how to handle being loved back because I fucked this all up and I’m just sorry. I understand if you need time to think or just don’t want to see me. I just had to tell you.” He concluded looking to see your reaction.

“Oh, Billy...” You sighed sadly. You felt so many different things and you had no idea how to form the words. Instead you curled your fingers gently in his hair and pulled him close before pressing your lips to his. It was slow and sensual and it poured all the emotions you had been feeling throughout the past few months: longing, sadness, frustration, but most of all love. You smiled into the kiss at the realization that Billy Hargrove loves you. He’s in love with you.

“I love you Billy Hargrove.” You murmured against his lips like you had done months previous. Except this time Billy gave you that smile that was only for you.

“I love you more, Baby.”

[lia-nikiforov]

Spring 2018 Anime Final Review

So, uh, this is six months late. I’ve had half of this post in my drafts forever. To make it short, as I’ve mentioned previously, mom lost her job, which has not only been a heavy hit to my sense of stability for the last six months, but also means my time to watch anime was seriously reduced and even now a slight change of plans fucks up my whole schedule and sets me back for a full week. Anyway, nobody cares about any of these shows anymore so let’s get straight to it? I’m gonna ommit the two-cours that continued into the Summer - hopefully I’ll be able to make that post soonish? idk. Worst to best, same as usual

The crappy gender politics pit of shame

Darling in the FRANXX: I think everyone has ripped this show to threads at this point and there isn’t much I could add to that. It is quite funny to me to see how many people flipped out when the show went completely bananas in its last few episodes. Feels a bit like KADO, I’ve been telling y’all this was a ton of empty crap since episode 2, it just took the writing to completely self-destruct for everyone else to notice. A part of me feels tempted to do a long post breaking down just how badly the show collapsed in its final shebang, specifically how every single twist and turn completely nulled any remote kind of message or central thesis the show may have had, but at the same time it doesn’t seem worth the time. In the end, I may have given What is Internal Consistency, The anime way too much credit. It’s not hateful antigay propaganda, it’s just dumb as shits, with a writer and creators who didn’t think for half a second of the implications of what they were doing, and who were so incompetent they couldn’t even conserve the minimal plot and character coherency within a single episode, let alone 24. In other words, Darling isn’t saying “gays shouldn’t exist” but “I have no idea of anything regarding gay people”. What makes it egregious is that the show spent so much time acting like it was “meaningful” and “important” and yet it ended saying absolutely fucking nothing. Except mayb “have babies”. Down to oblivion you go, along with the likes of KADO, to the void of shows that couldn’t even be offensively bad and no one will remember a year from now. Bonus garbage points for the half-assed “bury your gays”.

Nil of Libra Admirari or whatever this show was called: I’m not trying to diss on the show, I just genuinely never remember the title because I have the JP and EN all mixed up. Not that it matters much, as far as I could tell, the show could call Shalabalabatuna and it would have the same significance in regard to the content. But the title isn’t important. In fact, it may be a bit unfair to have this show in this section. For the most part, Main Girl is very self-determined and has an active role in the story.... but then the last two episodes heavily featured a lot of rape threats or rape themes and forced pregnancy (real and threat) and I don’t really understand why they’d go there all of a sudden. One of them was treated relatively well, even empowering the victim in the process, but when the ikemen bad guy was rambling endlessly about how he wanted to impregnate the protagonist it really turned me off :/ I’m also not a fan of “main boy was her secret fiancé all along”, but at least they also handled that somewhat decently. It’s a very disposable series, but since I watched all of Amnesia, I think I owe every otoge adaptation at least the smallest chance to clear that very low bar, and Libra of Nil does it, more competently than most other stuff in the same genre.

Hisone to Masotan: I really, really wanted to love this show. Even now, as I put it in the pit of shame category, I’m pained. There was a good show in this, and a lot of it made it to the screen: an adorable, charming little story about a woman finding her place in the world, making new friends, finding her calling and bonding with an adorable dragon. Unfortunately, it got buried down under this opressing, horrendous gender politics that tried to do something with bringing attention to sexism in the military only to cancel it out making the one dude that embodied that sexism getting rewarded with the affections of a girl he explicitly tried to crush. It also called back on the virgin or whore fallacy and even managed to shove in a “bury your gays” trope. Even though Hisone challenges the ritual bullshit, it’s too little, too late, and she does end up carrying it out anyway, so the defiance to the status quo is of little importance in terms of problematizing the ritual itself. Sorry BONES, it wasn’t meant to be this time. 

The ni fu ni fa section

Ni fu ni fa is a Mexican colloquialism for “It was okay but it didn’t change my life.”

Binan Koukou Chikyuu Boueibu HAPPY KISS: This soft reboot of the franchise had some really great episodes and did an actually good job of developping its characters. For the most part, it achieved what its predecessor did in terms of satirical comedy and I enjoyed it quite a bit. However, what bunked it down so low in the list was the final episode. At some point, the writers forgot they were doing a parody and made the show somewhat self-serious, way closer in tone to the magical girl anime it was supposed to be making fun of, rather than the satire its predecessor was. Whereas S1 ended with the whole Magical boy stuff being revealed as a crappy space reality TV show, this one ended with a real cheesy conflict about happiness and family and blablabla. Which is not bad by itself if this were a Precure show, but that kind of self-serious plot development just didn’t work for this series. I still enjoyed it, and the fanservice episode is one of the best of the whole franchise, but I’m a bit sad the finale missed the mark so badly.

Hinamatsuri: Hinamatsuri was very hit-or-miss for me. There were some truly brilliant episodes, a lot of funny vignettes and heart-warming stories, and then there was some stuff that made me uncomfortable -like every single Hitomi story- or felt unnecessary and dry. It also threw me off that the superpower dynamic completely disappeared in the second half of the show, especially in Anzu’s part of the story. It was okay but I feel like I needed something that felt like a closing, and choosing to end it with Mao who featured very minimally in the show overall didn’t cut it. It’s a fun show, I’d reccommend people check it out, but it felt a bit too disjointed for me

Persona 5: The Animation: This is a hard show to place because I love the looks of it and I think the concept is interesting and pretty cool, but there is something that’s keeping me from connecting emotionally to the story. The part where changing the villains’ heart makes them repent from their sins and become “good” feels very artificial and very tasteless when you’re dealing with rapists and abusers. I ended dropping it at episode 16, I just couldn’t find the motivation to catch up with the 6 episodes i’d fallen behind on because my schedule is a tragedy

Tokyo Ghoul: Re: I guess it’s fair to say I’ve kind of outgrown Tokyo Ghoul. There’s something messy and confusing about how this season panned out, and there comes a point in which misery porn just doesn’t cut it anymore. I still watch because Ishida has a way to make every single goddamn character extremely sympathetic, which makes for an emotionally engaging viewing even when you’re not sure of what the plot is supposed to be or who you should be rooting for. I tried picking up the new season that just started airing and immediately found I had no idea of what was going on, who was on who’s side and in general, who the fuck were 90% of the characters, so I dropped it.

Nanatsu no Taizai: Imashime no Fukkatsu: I’ve mentioned it before, this second season had the opposite problem than the first one: the pace was too slow. It took more than half of it to get to Escanor, and then the season ends at a kind of random spot. I really thought we’d get further along on the story, since Gowther’s backstory was hinted at in the openings, but no such thing happened. They did manage to give us a variety of cool moments and fights, and I love Ban so his scenes with Zhivago and Elaine made me quite happy, though I really wish the romance between Elizabeth and Meliodas wasn’t su dubious and cringy. In light of some revelations that take place further along the manga, going out of their way to emphasize that Meliodas was a sort of mentor figure for Elizabeth when she was a toddler seems unncessary and just very squeamish. I do hope we get a third season though, and an OVA of the Vampires of whatever side story would be great too.

Rokuhoudou Yotsuiro Biyori: I was pleasantly surprised by this show, and it’s closer to being one of my top of the season than it is to “meh”. It had some weaker, cheesier segments, but it also managed great whacky moments and a genuine soothing atmosphere. What surprised me most is that the vanilla looking cast of moderately handsome dudes managed to develop into interesting, funny individuals with a dynamic that made every episode enjoyable. A solid reccommendation for anyone wanting to see delicious looking food and moderately handsome dudes being ridiculous. Also, the cat episode is the best episode of anime ever produced.

The I’m probably the only person alive who enjoys these shows

Mahou Shoujo Ore: This is a difficult show to place because it wasn’t quite as great as I wanted it to be and its parodic nature took me by surprise, but somehow I was still seriously entertained more often than not. The twists in the final quarter and the absolutely bonkers finale was a total riot, but I definitely advise caution before going in, given that some of the jokes may seem insensitive or in poor taste in regards to gender presentation, sexuality and there are even some mild harrassment jokes that certainly made me roll my eyes.

Yowamushi Pedal: Glory Line: I don’t know if anyone’s noticed, but I think through half of the show’s 25 episode run, I was convinced the title was actually Glory Road. It’s kind of anticlimactic that it’s called Glory Line if they don’t actually reach the final Goal btw. Anyway, I feel I say this a lot, but really, if you didn’t like the previous Yowapeda seasons, there’s nothing here for you, and if you did, you’re probably not gonna hop off this late in the game. This season does suffer from the same dragging than its predecessors, with the added issue of being quite pessimistic for no reason in about half the episodes, and a diminished presence for Onoda. I really wish they hadn’t dragged the Day 2 goal so long, I really hoped we’d see the end of the race, but no such luck I guess. Still love most of it and hope we get one more season or a movie to complete the story.

The favorites of the season

Golden Kamuy: In spite of its pacing issues, terrible animation and general clunkiness, I can’t help but love this show. When season 1 ended my feelings for it had mellowed quite a bit, but as soon as I picked up season 2 this Fall I just fell in love all over again. It’s fun, unique, over-the-top in some ways, incredibly grounded in others, and the dynamics between the characters are incredibly charming. 

Hozuki no Reitetsu: It’s hard to talk about this one because it feels repetitive, given how tonally the show remains just the same across its three seasons. It could’ve very well been a one-season, 36 episode show, for how little it changes in spite of the time that transpired between the first season and the second. But in short, the comedy continues to be as spot on as always, the Zashikiwarashi twins are the best addition to the cast. It’s definitely a show I could watch endless episodes off, and the rare case of an episodic series with no overarching plot that I can enjoy wholeheartedly. 

Card Captor Sakura: Clear Card arc: Over the course of the series, I’ve expressed a few concerns and misgivings about how the story of this 20th anniversary sequel was playing out. The final episode was particularly troublesome in that it left the story unfinished in spite of deviating from the manga. In spite of this, more than anything I’m very happy that this continuation still retains what made the original so special, that they captured the magic behind Sakura’s “everything will be alright” spell and gave us the chance to spend more time with these beloved characters and see their stories continue. The slow but sweet development of Sakura and Syaoran’s puppy love is a definite highlight. Needs more Touya/Yukito and Yue in general.

Piano no Mori: This show got heavily overlooked because it was kidnapped by Netflix (pls stop immediately), and then when it was finally unceremoniously dumped a month or two ago, it came under fire for the wonky CGI during the piano scenes -and it is indeed very wonky-. But beyond that, I found the story very engaging, especially because Kai is such a fascinating protagonist, his intense rivalry-friendship with Megane-kun (sorry, it’s been six months, i can’t remember names) is exactly the type I can’t help but root for. Kai’s participation in the final episode gave me goosebumps. I’m very happy we’re getting a continuation,  can’t wait to see how the Chopin competition develops.

Wotaku ni Koi wa Muzukashii: Sweet, funny and absolutely delightful from start to finish, Wotakoi was easily one of the highlights of the season. Although there were some aspects about Cosplayer-senpai and Yuri Otaku-senpai’s (I’m really trying to remember the names, I’m sorry!! ;---;) that didn’t work for me -namely the izakaya segment- Narumi and Hirotaka more than made up for it with their clumsy yet adorable romance. I spent the entirety of the amusement park episode screeching. I really hope we get a continuation -and get a chance to see more of Hirotaka’s brother and his gamer friend too- and that in general we can get more anime about adult stories

Megalobox: Who would’ve thought that a show that wasn’t even in my radar before the season started would’ve end as one of my favorites, possibly of the year? Even as someone who’s only marginally acquainted with Ashita no Joe and has no interst in the sport of boxing, I was completely enthralled by the style and passion of this production. As I said a bit above, intense rivalries are very appealing to me, and the build up in the tension between Joe and Yuri was almost palpable, their mutual respect gave me chills. Definitely the surprise of the season, made even better by its optimistic happy ending to contrast with its predecessor’s tragedy. Megalobox is a unique anniversary project that is closer to an homage and it works perfectly. Definitely check it out.

That’s it for the Spring season! I hope i can do the summer season this weekend and maaaybe even my watchlist for the Fall season. Fingers crossed i won’t get swallowed up in other stuff :’D