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Genuinely so curious who Mike thinks is gonna be buying The Cage or the new DCTL GN bc with the way he tweets as far as he's concerned, it's not gonna be:
The queer people he has actively admitted he will never show any representation of in the games.
2. The POC he has actively fought against representing in his franchise. [Who he also mocked for thinking they would be represented in his franchise]
3. The Bendy fandom which has always been concerned with topics of diversity esp in the sense of queer people since its creation. Who he has responded to really poorly esp in regards to the GN.
4. The fans who critique him. [He blocked me for doing so lol]
5. His fans in general who he tweets about like this currently. [He's being vague about why people were mad at him or sent him 'nasty messages' because if you actually looked into why you'd see he was in the wrong. Either way, a very hateful way to speak abt ur own fanbase.]
Reminder while Mike is trash talking his fans he has always treated them rather poorly. The fans who won the fanart contest for Chapter 5 never got their posters actually in game due to it being rushed. Not only was chapter 5 a big slap to the face story wise, but it was literally so rushed he couldn't be bothered to add in the art his fans gave him for his game FOR FREE. [Meatly blames this on a crazy timeline, reminder him and Mike are the literal ceos of this company. The proposal of future updates here is also pretty cruel considering Mike nowadays happily admits he corrupted Chapter 5's source code and therefore literally can't update it At All currently. Because he is a moron]
At least they got to be in Boris and the dark survival, and by that I mean that was the Only game they got to be in so far, isn't that just treating your fans like you love them? Shoving their hard work into a spin off game almost nobody has played or addresses much. [Hell, who knows if with the Lone Wolf rebrand they'll even stay there. In which case they'll be in None of the games, only in the credits of BATIM]
6. The Bendy fans who just generally disagree with him on stuff. Like the new ink demon design where there is literally a public poll showing people generally prefer the old one.
7. The Bendy fans who can see he is actively lying to them. To their fucking faces.
He says this has always been the case, but screenshots and links to tweets regarding the books being canon prove it was not. Does he really think bendy fans are stupid or something? [Unless he's admitting here he lied to Kress when he told her the books were canon which sounds worse!]
8. Anyone who doesn't like the idea of giving money to a guy who laid off tons of employees then afterwards thought it was a great idea to express his anti-union views! Also brag about how good of an employer he was, according to his employees, he was not!
So in summary; Mike is an awful person who has not learned anything from the awful things he did. I will not be purchasing The Cage because, combined with this and his absolute refusal to take any kind of critique or see any differing interpretation of his franchise, I have no reason to think my problems with the franchise will ever be addressed or fixed. I probably will pirate The Cage along with any future Bendy Products [Including the movie] and will do my best to avoid giving it any kind of monetary support. Unless this changes any time soon, I can't see myself making anymore positive Bendy posts soon.
Mike has just managed to make it so hard to speak positively or optimistically of this franchise when he's so willing to broadcast how little he cares about it or its fans. I'm at the point where I refuse to pull any of my punches with my problems with it. What's the point of trying to play nice with my critique when either way the people creating it don't care?
So with this post, I want to invite anyone who feels similarly about the franchise to tell me, make a post or send an ask talking about how all of this makes you feel. It may not change how things are, but genuinely seeing other people share my feelings of anger makes me feel better. It feels nice to see when other people share our same concerns and worries. I'd also love to know if anyone else thinks they'll be avoiding purchasing Bendy products over this.
I'm not forcing anyone to participate in it nor trying to say anyone who doesn't supports mike but genuinely maybe if we can collectively decide to boycott things like the movie, graphic novel and The Cage... It might at least make the bendy devs acknowledge how much they have destroyed their own fandom's faith and trust in them.
The way Mike tweets about his actions like he had no control over why people were mad at him at least proves to me he takes NONE of it back nor regrets it. If you didn't know about his actions and only went off his tweets, you would be led to believe Mike has been needlessly picked apart by fans over things he couldn't control [or in his own words, had his words twisted and taken out of context]. That is not how you speak about your actions if you have actually learned better from them.
anyway, that has been my bendy dev callout post. This is an open invitation to anyone feeling similarly upset about the way the franchise is going to talk about it. It's genuinely nice to see how people feel about this and the more we talk about the more it's likely the bendy devs are forced to address our concerns. I don't think they will but hey, that's why I'm not gonna support them with my money anymore nor am I gonna be nice to them in any content I make critiquing Bendy. I mean I'm also basically making this post just in case anyone asks me Why I feel this way towards to bendy devs/as a way to respond to anyone who thinks I am too harsh in my critique in the future.
As always, it seems the best part of Bendy isn't actually anything about canon but about what the fan's are creating with the ideas Bendy failed to do anything interesting with.
Also the books, the books slap.
#batim#batdr#bendy and the ink machine#bendy and the dark revival#ramblez#bendy and the silent city#bendy the cage#for the record another reason Im making this post is bc some of the only good resources to learn abt why the bendy devs suck are some old#very longer videos and this is a very long post but I thought it was important to document the recent shit theyve been doing alongside some#of the worst past things theyve done bc Mike has been trying to misinform people on what happened but those videos are still great resource#if you want more info n such#long post#mike D#for anyone who doesnt wanna hear abt him since he doesnt go by mood anymore#sorry if this is rambley or emotional Im just so sick of these guys fr dskjhgskdfjghskdjhgkjhsd#I miss when I didnt spend my days stressed about the awful shit mike is gonna say next and how I would have to disprove it in a post later#or explain why its bad to have a cast of nothing but cishet white guys n constantly fight back against any push for diversity in said cast#genuinely its just tiring esp when u see other bendy fans give ignorant or very silly defenses/takes on those things#n then u lose a lot of respect for them bc they are speaking on stuff they dont know much abt so confidently and therefore misinforming#people or even encouraging very bad views on stuff like diversity n its importance#Im not saying people like that are bad people but it is stressful n upsetting when u see someone u thought knew better do that sort of thin#it makes it hard to trust them again on other issues bc u now dont trust they know what they r talking abt!!#like please think twice before telling young artists making norman white was a tough and complicated decision it was fucking not the bendy#devs just think all their humans are white by default and dont wanna change that its been proven time n time again thats all it is#and defending them just bc u like a franchise they made is very very bad!! They are not ur friends!! they suck and we seriously need to#stop pretending they dont!! toxic positivity is only gonna make the fandom an absolute nightmare its not gonna make ANYTHING better#it just means people will be forced to PRETEND they never have negative thoughts abt the franchise n therefore make them burned out#just look at other similar fandoms please lets not make those same mistakes!!#sorry can u tell Ive been having just. A time recently#anyways back to making my queer ass bendy fan game full of so much diversity mike will prolly shit when he sees it DKFJGHKSDJHGKJHSD
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parking lot brawl recreation except sim marty autonomously attacked sim rust and he got his ass beat by sim rust
#💾#true detective#rust cohle#this lot would go in r/malelivingspace#thats 02 rust with his fuckass haircut <3#we ignore the lack of similarities i didnt wanna spend much time in the cas bc it was crashing like crazy#i want to play this lot more bUT IT WONT STOP CRASHING#PLEASE I DONT WANT TO PLAY SIMS 4#🎲
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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More matador!Fernando! Ferrari this time :D (I can't help myself.....)
- facial hair
+ closeups
I really wanted the vibe of this Nando pic, I think I did pretty well??
#GUYS THE BULL DO YOU NOTICE WHAT BULL DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE SUBTEXT DO YOU UNDERSTAND MY IMPLICATION#lmao tho i mostly put it there cause i saw this rly cool pic w the shadow of a bull on a matador's cape#i dont understand how i ended up making this one more intensive and detailed than the other#but im not mad cause i really like it aaahhhhhh#but i think this one took more than 6 hours and the other one was 5½?#and both i ended up working until an absolutely horrible time. dont ask me what time i wrote this post#okay btw i didnt draw that embroidery. thank you medibang pattern brush now beloved 🙏#i think it suits him!!!! i was thinking of doing stars anyways so I'm glad it worked out#two people id like to blame:#thank you 005 for accidentally reminding me of the sword!! im glad his other hand is not just idle :)#and thank you suzuki-ecstar for asking me at some point if id ever draw facial hair on nando#^ particularly the 3 Musketeers look. so thanks. i suddenly remembered and i had to draw it 😭#it kept shocking me how baby faced i drew him every time i took that layer off#also every time i worked on the suit red genuinely ceased being an actual color to me#its bright red right?? like very fluorescent?? but my brain kept going: is this too orange?? this isnt red right????#anyways happy with this!!!!! there were a lot more roadblocks than the other but it all worked out#but wow wish i had this level of diligence for yknow. schoolwork.#i can spend 6+ hours on a drawing straight but school? nah i give up every 20 mins or less fjfkkfl#also not abandoning my other aus or anything but i have a lot more ideas for this honestly#i think the ref pics are a lot easier and more interesting to find than for my other AUs#<- cause its so much more modern lmao. so i have a lot more inspo than trying to find ultra specific 18th century paintings#i wanna draw 3 things rn:#nando w the ceremonial cape. seb in a matador suit. and of course some silly vett//onso in this AU#f1#formula 1#fernando alonso#catie.art.#fa14#matador au
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i love madoka magica however i dont think we as a fandom talk enough about how tragic madoka herself is. probably because the narrative itself steers you away from thinking about her personally. shes not a character shes a desire that homura has, shes a force of good, shes homura's foil. but those are all madoka's narrative roles but madoka herself as a person is not really looked at because we are viewing this world from an unreliable narrator(homura) who only sees madoka as those things. The best thing homura could have done for madoka was give up on her, to let her go. because every time we go back in time the image of madoka is distorted, she loses more of herself every regression of homura's as she tries harder and harder to save her. We don't even know what madoka originally wished for to become a magical girl in the original timeline. and she actually acts quite differently than the madoka we meet. shes a lot more honest and caring and bold. by the time homura's has reached the actual anime madoka has been reduced by the sands of time to a figment of herself. she has no wants or desires of her own beyond wanting to do good and help her friends and when all her humanity is stripped away is when she finally acends to godhood because thats all thats left of her. an ideal and a faith in her. madoka kaname died a long time ago and all that is left is her ghost.
#of course homura doesnt care anymore because she cant go back she can only go forward cuz if she gives up she killed madoka for nothing#she could have left her pass away with dignity but now shes a ghost stuck in a web of time and the only thing she can do is keep trying#to save her#i feel like inately homura knows this but she doesnt want to admit to herself thats shes the real one who killed madoka kaname#this is a very charitable reading of homura#homura died too but its a clear moment because homura is our narrator#homura akemi will never come back madoka kaname will never come back#but life goes on anyway for homura#heres my truth#i loved rebellion but im actually a bigger fan of the original anime's ending so im glad it seems like red ribbon homu is coming back#i thought that ending was a lot more hopeful and beautiful and rebellion was kind of a downer but i always accepted they were parallel#and seems im right based on posters#for walpurgis#madoka uses one of my favorite literary devices which is the underuse of a character#i dont know whats it called but i love it when they dont outright develop a character usually to signal an upholding of the status quo#i already explained how madoka is not shown as a character but they do this in princess tutu too with mytho#mytho is a character from a book hes not real in the way that the others are and therefore cant actually change like the others can#hes always the focus of others and never the one thinking of others#i mean yeah he spends like the whole anime thinking about tutu but thats PART of his book its not him as a person#anyway ive been talking too much but i wanna bring up my favorite subtle use of this in takopi's original sin#the boy#idk his name rn lmao#hes straight up not present for the bulk of the manga and hes legit just absent from the ending scene despite being one point of a triangle#at first that weirded me out like??? he doesnt get closure???#but the reason was he didnt need it#the focus and moral is that those girls were 'weird' unable to be normal (because of trauma) and their closure was theyre at least together#but he doesnt need that because hes already normal hes the status quo a benchmark for the reader for the reader to judge the characters off#and the characters to judge eachother off of#anyway anyway sorry this has been so long#i had to get all of that out of me
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speaking of yearning. god i cannot wait (like literally) to go home with the cat. it will make my whole life better… like all of it
#ive been So off today (no spoons. foggy. everything aches.) and i keep thinking… if the cat was keeping me company all of this would feel -#- so so so much more tolerable#hes the laziest sweetest cuddliest little guy and he would spend all day with me in bed so long as i didnt stop petting him#just the feeling of another little living creature There. just the warm cat presence. just that comfort#and the routine of taking care of him… heres something i have to do. heres a little living being that has to have food morning and evening#heres a little fluffy guy who needs you to brush his fur#heres someone who might wanna go out and sit in the grass even if youre feeling ugh about it#basically. i think the responsibility of taking care of someone else will make it easier to take care of myself too#what is feeding the cat if not a reminder that i need to eat#what is brushing the cat if not a reminder that i might have some hygiene to take care of#yknow#and also holding and petting and scratching cat is the cure to any physical ailment truly#z talks
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WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME BURROWS END WASNT FREE
#I DIDNT TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT IT BUT STILL. SOMEONE SHOULDVE WARNED ME BEFORE I GOT COMPLETELY INVESTED#I know next to nothing abt dimension 20 I’m pretty sure I just saw a post abt burrows end specifically MONTHS ago and was like 👀👀👀#opened a tab with the first episode to watch later and promptly forgot about it#until last night! having a bad night and was like hrm what if I just watch smth#and I’ve been reading watership down recently!! finally got my own copy bc it was my favourite book when I was like NINE#so I am fully primed to fall in love with a story abt little animals rn and man#I am OBSESSED with this and also realising yeah I’m at a point where I could get very into tabletop rpgs now#what if. what if I just get dropout. what if I just do that. would that not be fun. I would like to see the stoats do stuff#i am so in love with Ava and her player and I understand so much more about brennan lee mulligan now. and VIOLA#viola may be my favourite character I’m obsessed with how she interacts with other characters.m#i NEED to know what’s up with thorn’s cult thing. and also thorn. what is going on there#hrrgrhehh the thing that’s holding me back is I’m allergic to subscriptions#impermanence. even though I know it’s fairly unlikely I’ll wanna watch it again any time soon I don’t like the idea that I’d have to like#in a couple years pay for it again or not be able to bc I can’t afford it even though I already paid for it once#I’m a books + cartridge games guy and it shows.#okay. I will chew on this. the price is not unreasonable and I have coincidentally also been looking at make some noise clips#it does not help that I basically never watch things but my favourite podcast is also ending within the next month (2 episodes left)#and this IS primarily audio so I could cook + watch mayhaps. and I’ve heard good things abt all other d20.#they have a 20% off first year deal on. annual would make me less stressed long term if I end up liking this bc cheaper + choice premade#and would also mean I can do it now and not feel bad abt wasting the first month bc I won’t be able to watch much for a few weeks#fuck it I’m allowed to make frivolous purchases sometimes I will simply swallow the subscription distaste#more stoats >:)#that aside all the players are incredible I’m pretty sure when this is done I’ll wanna watch other seasons just to see what else they do#okay go do the thing I believe in you you can spend money sometimes#luke.txt#update I downloaded the app. I am putting off the decision for another day now bc it’s 1:21am and I have not been thinking clearly <3
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i really hope we dont end up in a situation where sonic x shadow generations sucks ass and isnt worth buying over the original if you dont care about the shadow stuff but you cant make that choice because they removed all official ways of buying the original in an attempt to force you to spend 60 dollars on it . that would be really annoying
#i wouldnt put it past sega they took all the classic games off steam to make people buy sonic origins..#also the remaster costing more than the original WOULD make sense in this case since its adding more content#but i hope it doesnt cost 60 dollars . the shadow stuff looks cool#but i dont wanna spend 60 dollars on a pointless remaster of a game i already have. just for shadow#didnt colors ultimate cost 40. i hope it costs 40 at most#but idk. sega seems to be going down the route of charging 60 dollars for everything regardless of if its worth that much#i think it would be cool if they released the shadow stuff as a dlc you can buy if you already have generations#but idk if they would do that. so just keeping the original as an option still would be good enough
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i think every university student who has a job and studies at the same time deserves everything they want forever actually
#yeah this is about me#i dont think people realise how fucking hard it is to do both and not go insane#ITS HARD ENOUGH TO DO ONE AND NOT GO INSANE#i wish uni would cut some slack to students who have to work and be more understanding w deadlines and stuff#especially bc jobs act like said job is your entire life and expect you to drop everything when an extra shift comes up#work drains me so fucking much that i just have no physical or mental energy left even back when my shifts were only four hours#how do you expect me to go to a shift then go to classes right after and then spend the evening doing mandatory reading#i rlly wanna know how other people manage it. i really dont think there *is* a way to manage it when you are neurodivergent and Sick#do not get me wrong im grateful to have a job and be able to work i just wish i didnt need to so i could focus on uni#i feel like im going to end up with a worse degree class than im actually capable of because i just cant spend the time on uni that i want
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listening to ants from up there like a normal healthy person that has relationships that they know will thrive and will not be lost and is certain of their future and enjoys whats happening today and what was happening yesterday and last week and last month. and im cool about it
#ants from up there#intro#chaos space marine#concorde#bread song#good will hunting#haldern#mark's theme#the place where he inserted the blade#snow globes#basketball shoes#guys dont listen to this album it makes you cry a lot#and crying is bad (true)#anyways is anyone else thinking about anything#help#help core lolllll#i have no idea whats in store and ive never liked that ever#i need a react image where a person is staring death into the camera especially now#because ive been feeling it so so so much more lately than before and ive felt it so hard since before summer#i really have no idea how much better this is than jobless summer mentally#i mean in a way it has to be better than summer school summer but at least then i had the inbetween week of the two terms#and yes thankfully i have parents who have enough money to spend two weeks of vacation out of the country which is coming up on saturday#and it will be relaxing ignoring the socializing of family i havent seen in 5 years#but so much of the past month has felt like ive only done work#i feel like my mind is consumed by my job and i really dont know if i like this state of being more than my jobless state of being#i also havent had a workless summer since grade 10 and i was still insecure about my friend group so i didnt go to a lot of the hangouts#but in grade 11 and this year i totally couldve gone to more and felt like i made more worthwhile memories#i wanna say more but tumblr doesnt let you do more than 30 tags#long one#goomb thot
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eaaughhhhh siblings are so hard to have sometimes.....
#grymms spectacular fucking posts#my sister is an incredibly frustrating person to live with#she spends all day either at her computer playing games or in her bed#she has back and knee pain that makes it so she cant bend over plus general chronic pain so she doesn't do a whole lotta chores. which i get#but she also complains about our parents not doing enough to take care of the house. like they both have fulltime jobs and have to take care#of 2 disabled kids. it's not fair to expect that they can also regularly do chores ontop of that#and if she spent her time putting in a bit more of her fair share of housework then I'd be a bitmore understanding but she doesn't do that#much. like i have chronic pain and i go to school 5 days a week and i do more chores than her#and she's an incredibly stubborn and emotional person who will flip out at anything and so i feel like im walking in eggshells talking to he#r#one time i was upset and said that if our parents went to jail for me skipping school I'd just dumpstedive for food and she said she didnt#wanna do that and i said she didnt have to. and she took me saying that as saying i wanted her to starve and didnt talk to me for a month#like if i cant even say something small and stupid when im upset and she's the one whose egging me on by saying stuff while im upset then#what can i even say around her aughhhh#anyways i know that shit like this is why i have a therapist but there's genuinely nothing i can do about this because she is the problem#and she's the one who isn't doing anything and aughhhhhh she makes my life so much harder just by being around#and i love her i want her to get better and move out for her own good but it's so hard to love someone who is nothing but a burden who#refuses to be responsible
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#oh for fucks sake#if i have to listen to my shithead of a mother bitch and whine and moan about me being disabled one more fuckinG time i s2g#she's been going on for 20 mins abt how annoying it is that i had to go lie down for a bit bc i had a migraine and a pain flare up#which meant i guess that she didnt get to make dinner when she wanted to (i told her she could just eat w/o me like who cares)#so now she's on a rampage abt how inconvenient it is to her and how i ruin her schedule and her life all the time etc etc#and when i responded calmly w 'well what would u like me to do- snap my fingers and not be disabled anymore? u TOLD me to go lie down.'#she exploded and is like 'oh noOoo ofc not nothing is ever ur fault u just accidentally do these things'#bitch WHAT THINGS ?????#exist as disabled ??? be in so much pain i spend most of my life these days in bed ??? be unable to function to ur standards ????#do u Hear urself ??#now she's sitting on the couch pouting and fuming like a toddler bc i was in bed for 2 hours instead of 30 mins (bc too much pain to get up)#and throwing a tantrum like that is in any way normal or acceptable behaviour#'u always do this! but nooo u can do w/e u want cant u ?? u dont have to consider others!!'#ma'am...#a) no i dont have to consider others when it comes to taking care of myself and my debilitating illnesses. that's an insane thing to suggest#b) nobody told u u could not do w/e the fuck u wanted while i was out of commission. u just did this to have more to complain abt#c) ah yes bc i 'want' to be bedbound in excruciating pain. that was a choice i made. for funsies. for the bit.#whaT ?????#god someone save me im gonna lose my mind w this shit#not to mention she's also belligerently drunk so like. there's that also. cant have any proper convo bc of it (not that i wanna talk to her)#jesus fUcking chrisT#i gotta get out of here#this woman is so immensely hateful#ya sorry i ruined ur life by being born this way and now ur stuck 'putting up' w me and 'my shit' (<- actual things she has said many times)#fuuuuuck me.#anyway.#negative#ableism#verbal abuse#ask to tag
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Having a big family is too expensive. Where am I supposed to find the money for my brother's 20th, my cousin's 21st and graduation, my twin cousins turning 23, my other cousin turning 26 and having a baby all this month!! 😭
#Demon Spawn#+Extra#theres too much going on! and my mum doesnt tell me everything at once so i think i only have one purchase to worry about#and then she hits me with another one!! did you remember this? did you remember that? no i was still dealing with the last one#im sorry but siblings are prioritised then i gotta sort out my own sht if i can then afford all these other peoples things#when i dont even speak to them! then sure maybe ill get around to it but theyve all got more extravagant preferences which i cant afford 😅#most of them still live at home and dont pay rent let alone tuition i cant afford their expectations and having 4 cousin birthdays#in a month is ridiculous have you seen the price of postage? and you wanna add in graduations and a baby into it???#i probably sound like im btching about nothing to people who have a good relationship with their cousins but i never see them and even#when i do we dont talk its super awkward and we have nothing in common yet i gotta go spend money i dont have all at once on them#and i cant even say sht cus my mum arranged a 21st for me that i didnt want so they did end up getting me stuff#god i sound like such btch i just dont know these people and its stressful trying to get presents as is but so many occasions at once when#i have no clue is stressing me out right now its not that i dont want to celebrate its the sudden expenditure and the fact its not spread#out and that theres so many cus i already got 8 siblings and my mum is one of 5 and my cousins are getting older so theyre going through#milestones that require gifts too at the same time as their birthday
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#ay ay ay. now that the soul crushing project is done ive elected to spend the week managing data#which is decidedly more chill than what ive been doing for the last month but also isnt not doing anything and it isnt getting stuff done#for when i have to move. so thats annoying. and ive been drawing again at least but i can feel the escalation in my controlling behavior#so its now very frustrating trying to draw anything. coloring is gonna take a million years rip.#also suddenly everyone wants to b social rn? like tomorrow my boss is organizing a thing with an old lab mate and this weekend a#collaborator is having a retirement party. and next week my lab mates wanna do a trivia night. and i kno that i should go to these things.#and i will try but i really dont want to go to any of it. mostly for driving reasons but also im a husk of a person rn. but the more#devastating thing is that uh next week one of the kids i grew up with is getting married to a rich girl lol. and like we werent that close#bc i was and am such an asocial freak but after the wedding my parents r picking up their new camper and camping their way across the#country with my sisters. and im sure someone probably told me the dates of these things at some point but if u tell me dates i will#instantly forget them. so thats. ya kno. happening over basically the next 2 weeks while i have to kill myself over measurements for a#different study i dont care abt. and like. its fine. ill see them mid may for a different planned trip. it just makes me kinda sad#a product of living halfway across the country i guess. im just inherently more disconnected to everyone. i would suspect thsts semi#intentional subconsciously. u cant b upset abt not being able to connect with ppl if you create enough physical distance that u never see#them in the 1st place. u cant misunderstand me if i make myself absent and unknowable. idk. i was explaining to my mum that i didnt realize#the timeline and she was like. understandable whatever u wanna do! and idk y that upsets me so much. i guess its just that i dont want to b#doing this. its causing me pain but dont kno how to articulate it in a way that makes sense. whatever. my mouth hurts. my lips r so chapped#that the irritation is spread past my lip line. probably doesnt help thst i keep rubbing at it lol. anyway things r still annoying#less soul crushing thsn last week but still frustrating#unrelated
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So with me getting a big art commission for ITNL, it makes me think about how I've never gotten any commissions for discacc... and like yes ok I've been neglecting my big baby (I'm Sorry,,,,) but my love for it remains. The 500k word count is testament to my dedication to it, even if it's currently on hiatus.
But for me putting actual real money into ITNL and not discacc...
Well...
It ultimately boils down to the fact that in discacc they still look just like their canon counterparts lol so there's really no point to doing a commission for it. ITNL Vash already looks different from his canon counterpart (due to the lightning scars, which are the main focal point of the commission).
So... no it is NOT me saying I love ITNL more. ITNL and discacc both are very dear to me. I'm just doing objectively crazier stuff in ITNL and Thus, big differences have happened. And so it goes.
#speculation nation#itnl shit#discacc shit#i do have some rather Uhmmm mean kinds of plans for discacc. that would perhaps leave lasting damage and/or scars.#but those have not happened yet. and wouldnt for a While.#in ITNL i not only gave him lightning scars but i also broke his NOSE#plus potentially more stuff to come.#ive been emotionally mean to goro but vash really takes the cake in the physical sense. teehee.#i can not choose between ITNL and discacc for which i love more bc they are both so dear to me#...tho i can easily say i love them more than the rest of my works hfkshfjd#sorry ladue and Sentido but u r not my main focuses. RIP.#theres a kind of love that comes from spending months (or years) working on One Thing Only.#i wanna do right by both discacc and ITNL. i wanna see them through to the end.#i wish it wasnt so hard for me to write rn... and that i didnt struggle so much with splitting my attention.#it really does make me sad to leave discacc on indefinite hiatus like this#but it just isnt the story i want to write rn. that's ITNL.#but i will return to it someday. i still love it so very dearly.#That is a Promise.#anyways yeah i paid for the comm for ITNL and im very excited ehehehe#And Now We Wait.
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#life be giving me whiplash lately lmao#my banana boat is down again - an oil leak that shorted my starter 🙃#stressful time of year because we're coming up on both dads birthday and one year since his passing just a few weeks later#but I also finally bit the bullet and fessed up to the dude ive had feelings for for a while now#totally set myself up for disappointment because thats just been what lifes been handing me for the last year and a half or so#but it actually went really fuckin' well#he was essentially in the same boat as me#definitely FEELING something but valuing the friendship so much that it crippled us both#we've both helped one another grow so much over the last year or so and sort of restored a bit of one anothwrs' faith in humanity#didnt wanna risk fuckin' that up#plus he just assumed I wouldn't feel that way#but yeah it went really well and I'm REALLY proud of myself for taking that leap of faith 🥹#i told him I'm not expecting anything right out the gates#mostly just trying to open that dialog with him and to spend more time together#see where things go#met up in person to talk about it a bit today and be brought me a fuckin' bouquet 🥺😭#this is some straight up 'mutual pining but they're idiots' shit 😂#but its cute and im glad it ended up the way it did 💚#AND I've already had the asexuality discussion with him so he knows and is entirely cool with it 🥹💚#actually had that talk before feelings evem came into the equation
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