#and didn't have any pressure to perform well like on TikTok

[sisaloofafump]

.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

i don't know if you're into general taylor swift gossipping but brazilian fans are pissed that a fan died of heatstroke and dehidration in one of her shows and taylor, a billionaire, didn't even help with the funeral costs (it had to be crowdfunded) or mentioned the fan by name to make a homage. and americans are acting like the well being of a 30 year old billionaire is more important than the death of a brazilian black woman

I hadn't heard about this until right now and now that I'm reading about it I'm genuinely agog. obviously this is still extremely recent and I sincerely hope Miss Swift can still pressured into providing the family with some means of financial support but good lord. I can't find any reliable sources in English confirming that the funeral costs had to be crowdfunded, but I'm also certainly not seeing anything about Swift offering to help with them, either.

obviously I don't think it's fair to attribute this death specifically to Swift when there seem to have been LAYERS of reckless mismanagement that led to this going right back to business as usual is genuinely pretty heinous. does she not AT LEAST have the self preservation to get herself out of performing under conditions that are pretty demonstrably extremely dangerous. like. what's going on here.

also gonna be real I am so skeezed out by all the tweets and tiktoks I'm seeing from random swifties trying to 'memorialize' Ana Clara Benevides Machado. it's so shallow and performative, and none of them would have cared about a Black Brazilian woman dying of heatstroke if she hadn't happened to be at a Taylor Swift concert when it happened. senseless. may her memory be a blessing and may her family find peace.

[denimbex1986]

'"There's a lot of keyboard warriors that have such a strong opinion on the roles that I play."

After her breakout role in Heartstopper, Yasmin Finney is back on our screens playing trans character Rose Noble in Doctor Who, as the show celebrates its 60th anniversary.

The 20-year-old trans actress tells BBC Newsbeat being part of the cast has given her "a kooky, amazing family", an experience she feels she missed out on.

Yasmin has spoken before about being close to her mother, but the beliefs of much of her extended family mean she has little contact with them.

"I don't really speak to them as much. I kind of cut them off due to my identity," she says.

Using TikTok, where she has almost two million followers, Yasmin has been open about her experience of being a transgender black woman as well as making it as an actress.

Growing up in the "mud of Manchester", she says school was tough but she was able to relive it in a different way while playing Elle in Heartstopper.

"I didn't go to drama school, I didn't have the privilege to see theatre shows every weekend," she says.

Yasmin says she's "super grateful" that her roles so far have let her experience "a little bit of what I've missed as a person growing up".

Yasmin was born in 2003, two years before her now co-stars David Tennant and Catherine Tate were first cast in Doctor Who.

It was their performances as The Doctor and Donna Noble - Rose's mum - that first introduced Yasmin to the Whoniverse as a child.

"I used to be obsessed with David Tennant and Catherine Tate," she says.

Now they've reprised their roles for the 60th anniversary specials alongside Yasmin, she says "it's a bit weird" to think about her fandom.

"But it's just an honour to be with the greats making something so magical."

Also making up an important part of the cast in those formative years was Billie Piper who played Rose Tyler and it didn't go unnoticed by fans that Yasmin's character is also called Rose.

"Everyone was like oh my God she's taken Billie Piper's role, what about Billie Piper? What's happened? What's happened?

"No, guys, I'm simply just named after Rose."

But that added pressure of being aligned with such a beloved character, as well as her trans identity, meant that for Yasmin there has been a downside to being cast in a dream role: online trolls.

"Any sort of franchise that has been going years and you get a black trans woman playing the role, people are going to have their opinions," she says.

"It's so funny because when I get a hate comment, it'll be: 'Your acting was so bad and I hate trans people'.

"Fair enough you had one opinion, but then when you tie my identity into it, it's just kind of unfair."

She can't control the haters, but she can control her response and so Yasmin says she's just focused on protecting her mental health and acing the role.

"Ultimately, I just want to deliver a good performance," she says.

"I want people to laugh, I want people to smile, I want people to cry. And also I just want to be good representation for people that haven't had it."

The need for representation is an issue that doesn't seem to be going away soon for Yasmin.

Both as Elle and Rose, she is a trans actress playing a trans character.

She hopes to be a role model for people like her growing up trans but at the same time, she hopes she'll be able to play a variety of roles.

Debates around which actors should play which roles should be a thing of the past, she thinks.

Actor Eddie Redmayne previously said playing a transgender character in 2015 film The Danish Girl was "a mistake", after some felt a trans actor should have been cast in the role.

"I think there needs to be such a more open space for any actor," Yasmin says.

"If you're a good actor, you're a good actor. It doesn't matter your identity, your sexuality, if you can sell a story, you can sell a story."'

[the-casbah-way]

dylan said something at her show that really stuck with me where she was reenacting an exaggerated version of the kinds of interviews she gets asked to do and the interviewer asks her to talk about her activism and dylan tries to explain that she's not an activist, she's a performer who just happens to be trans and documenting her transition and the interviewer just keeps aggressively interrupting until she's forced to come up with something about trans activism just to get her to back off and it's like huh. because the media really does put so much pressure on trans people to be pillars of trans activism and role models and game changers and all this bullshit purely because we are trans. dylan was just a person making videos about clothes and dating and being trans but now people make videos trying to cancel her because she doesn't use her platform to raise awareness about stuff and in a way i understand. because people with massive followings have the ability to make a huge difference. but at the same time i have seen NONE of that energy directed towards any cis people on tiktok. dylan didn't ask for the following she ended up gaining, it just happened over time because she has a fun personality and she's very watchable. i know as trans people we need to stand up for ourselves and each other because god knows no one else is going to do it but can we just be people as well. part of what made me love her show so much was that for an hour we just got to be a room full of trans people laughing and singing and not having to think about how other people see us. and she managed to do that whilst still weaving into her performance a really heartfelt and profound narrative on transphobia. it was a way of saying like yes we all carry this pain in some way and we all have to look out for each other and there are a lot of real world dangers facing us (especially for transfemmes and trans poc) but we are all just people trying to live. and we deserve to be boring or silly or mundane we shouldn't have to be special we shouldn't have to be in activist mode 24/7 and defending our right to exist with every breath because it's exhausting and half the world is hellbent on not listening

[andysbubba]

call me when you hear this song

↳ you performed a song you wrote for chris on live tv and chris act on the lyrics.

an | this song is call me when you hear this song by new west!! this has been stuck in my drafts for about a whole year and I HATE IT. i don't like it and I wish it isn't so draggy and lengthy and so descriptive but I just wanted to get rid of it and yay #secondchanceromance <333

---

"So you just released a new song right?" Jimmy starts off, glancing down to his card before he looks up at you while you nod in response to his question. "When you said 'call me when you hear this song', is there actually a little someone you were expecting a call from or is it words you just spewed out for the song?"

You chuckle in reply, shifting your body to turn to the kind host and took a quick second to think about your answer. "God– must I answer the question?" You joked while subtly fidgeting with your hands. You knew the question was gonna be asked when you took up the interview but it doesn't make it any less tough to answer. "But yeah! I wrote it with someone in mind and the whole song is about him."

Jimmy lets out a gasp, covering his mouth with his palm and laughs. "Alright, alright. Now I'm really curious— did you get any calls from anyone who thought you were singing about them or did the person you wrote this song for actually called you?"

You laughed at the question, thinking of the calls you did get about the song but none from the person that actually matters. "I did, actually. But not from the guy I was expecting a call from." You chuckled lightly, shrugging the question off. "But truth be told, I don't think he even heard the song yet."

"There's no way he hasn't heard your song yet, right?" He trails off and gestures at him and the audience. "Especially not when it's hitting all the charts and it's even trending on TikTok. I hear it all the time I get in the car too."

"Well," You drag slowly, with a shrug. "I dunno how to put this nicely, but he kinda sucks at technology and keeping up with trends. I mean, the only trend I remember him doing was the Ice Bucket Challenge which was probably all the way back in 2014. "

"I think we're gonna need a whole list of everyone who did the challenge just to figure out who it is, huh? Or maybe do another round of Show Me Your Phone." He suggests, keeping his face as innocent as possible with his usual cheery grin.

"Oh god." You wagged a finger at him, instantly recalling the last time when you came on the show for Show Me Your Phone and you had to show the latest video in your gallery. "Never again. I had to fight for my life on Twitter that day."

It had been a video of you on a couch, cuddled into someone's side and your head was resting on his chest. You had been lucky enough that the video didn't show his face and the only sound in the background were the lines from the movie Aladdin playing on the TV and a dog's barking.

"I really wanna know if this song guy and your video guy are the same person." He pokes teasingly.

You know Jimmy well enough that he won't pressure you into answering if you don't want to. If anything, he'll even help you cover things up. He's easily one of the best hosts out there. He's great at his job and somehow, he does it without prodding so much into people's private lives.

"They are." You sighed, rolling your eyes at the man. "Y'know, I was kinda scared to come here today just in case we had a repeat of that whole thing and I have to spend the rest of tonight fighting for my life on Twitter. Again."

The audience laughed and so did Jimmy at your explanation. He pushed his chair back and stood up. "Well, lucky for you, the only thing I'm making you do today is sing your new single." He clapped his hands together, a wide smile on his face as he addresses the audience. "We'll be right back after the break with more of Y/n Y/l/n on The Tonight Show!"

---

Chris had been mindlessly flipping through all the channels until Jimmy's face came on the screen and he decided on that since he wasn't in the mood for a movie anyways. He almost choked on his coffee because he was not expecting to see your face on his TV screen as the camera shifts to show you walking out from the backstage as Jimmy presents you. Hell, even Dodger started barking at the sound of your voice.

"Jimmy!" Your voice rang through the room as you stepped closer to him and greet him with a hug and beautiful, wide grin you always have.

As you take a seat on the couch, you waved at the audience and the cameras and Chris just swoons.

"God I've missed this couch so much. I swear to god it is just as comfy as Sebastian Stan's couch."

Chris laughs at that revelation. You and Mackie just had a thing for Seb's couch. But Seb would never reveal where he got the couch from- no matter how much you and Mackie bullied him into spilling.

Good old days.

Chris sat up straighter on the couch, watching intently as Jimmy asked you questions your new song. It's not that he doesn't keep up with your music or don't support your career. He just tries to avoid you as much as possible, knowing that he'd get the urge to give you a call and rush back into your arms at the first bit of attention you give him.

The questions shifts to something about Show Me Your Phone, and you laughed in response while swearing off the game for good.

Knowing Jimmy and his games, the game you were talking about was probably played during one of your old interviews on the show.

He hastily grabbed his phone while the screen switches to a commercial break. He's curious about the game. He types in 'Y/n Y/l/n show me your phone' on Youtube and the first thing that came up was 'Show Me Your Phone w/ Y/n Y/l/n'. The video had been from probably two years ago. And judging by the date, you both were still together then.

There was a screen with a bunch of apps. And he watches as you start the game off and had to show your last received text which was a message from your mom asking when you'd bring home a man to meet her.

That itself left Jimmy and the audience cracking up in laughter, and Chris laughed too.

In your next turn, you had to show the latest video in your gallery. He was expecting a short vlog of yourself backstage or just a random timelapse of the sunset since those are the first things that came to his mind. Chris almost freezes in his seat when the video starts playing. He recognises it all too well. The background is so obviously the very couch he's sitting on right now in his living room.

And he's not a narcissist but Chris can definitely recognise his own chest. And that bark is clearly Dodger's. What kind of dog dad would he be if he can't even recognise his dog's bark?

Scott had been over that night, and he recorded it– mentioning how he's tired of lovesick couples and using the video against you and Chris when he told the two of you to stop being so mushy. He airdropped the video to both your phones that night too.

Chris was shocked to say the least. How did it take him so long to find out about this? And he recalls the jab you aimed at him earlier in the live interview.

"I dunno how to put this nicely, but he kinda sucks at technology and keeping up with trends. I mean, the only trend I remember him doing was the Ice Bucket Challenge which was probably all the way back in 2014. "

Chris chuckles to himself and shakes his head. You were definitely not wrong about that.

He keeps watching the show as Jimmy teased you about the video and dug to find out whoever's chest it was. You sheepishly hid your face behind your palms as the blush rose up to your cheeks and you mumbled out vague replies to all his questions.

"I was so not prepared for this when I came here." You pointed sharply at Jimmy with and chuckled. "My publicist is gonna kill me after this."

Chris eyes the TV screen, realising that the show's back on and it's time for you to sing your new single. He sets his phone aside and made a note in his mind to get back to the video later and keep up with all your other interviews with Jimmy.

Call me when you hear this song I think you know who you are Can we start where we left off? Lord knows I'm never moving on

Every time you hear this tune Just know I still think of you Can we get together soon So you can say I love you too?

He realised you could've fessed up right then when the video of you on his chest was aired out to the public. It would've been so easy for you to just say his name and you could've avoid the fans and media pestering and digging into who you were with. It would've help build your career too. Again, Chris isn't a narcissist— but he knows he has all his fans and the media follows him around. And he knows you were never using him and it will never be your intention. But the media is cruel and the two of you were well aware of that.

They can easily present you as using Chris for attention and publicity and they'll start digging into you and Chris' lives, and the two of you enjoy as much privacy as you can get— even if it isn't part of the life you two signed up for.

So you kept it as private as possible for about a year until you both mutually decided on a break. For you to focus on your music, and for Chris to get back to filming. He'd be flying around for filming and press and you'd be in London for a few months to collaborate with a couple of different writers and artists there.

You didn't want to stress each other out with all the distance and separation so you took a break.

Please not again We've been through this before my friend Don't say that this is the last time No I ain't ready for goodbye

I tried my best And gave you everything I had Seems what I have is not enough You want another kind of love

"I'm always gonna wait for you, y'know."

Both of you were smiling through the pain– trying to find the good in goodbye. The tears were inevitable. Chris had tear streaks on his cheek and your heart breaks at how vulnerable he looks.

You wrapped you arms around his torso, cheek pressed against his chest as you let your own tears out.

"I'll always love you, Chris."

His own arms tighten around you. "I'll always love you too, sweetheart."

Call me when you hear this song I think you know who you are Can we start where we left off? Lord knows I'm never moving on

Every time you hear this tune Just know I still think of you Can we get together soon So you can say I love you too?

He hadn't expected to wait so long. But somehow, a week turned into months, and next thing he realised— it's been a whole year since he last saw you. He would've reached out, and Chris doesn't know why he held himself back from texting you all these while.

A part of him thought that maybe you truly moved on, what the two of you had was truly over, and he's the only one stuck in the past.

You're being pulled in another direction I want you to know that I understand Cause things get complicated when you say you still love me But how can I know how you feel I'm only human

I won't stand in your way You deserve to know yourself I know we'll meet again one day But till' then I just wanna say (I just wanna say)

Chris brushes his hand through Dodger's fur as the mutt sprawls himself out on Chris' lap. "What do you think, bud? Should I give her a call?"

Dodger nuzzles into his thigh, letting out a low purr in reply. Chris sighs at him. "You miss her too, don't you?"

Dodger looks up at him, slowly blinking as if he's actually agreeing with Chris.

Call me when you hear this song I think you know who you are Can we start where we left off? Lord knows I'm never moving on

Every time you hear this tune Just know I still think of you Can we get together soon So you can say I love you too?

---

You're grinning widely as you sing the last line, waving at the audience as Jimmy comes over and pulls you into a hug.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Y/n Y/l/n!" He looks at the camera, arm slung over your shoulder as he holds up a square frame of your album cover. "Call Me When You Hear This Song is out now on all streaming platforms!"

It wasn't long till you went backstage, the show ending with your performance. Jimmy left with you as both of you made small talk about the show and your projects.

"Do I even know who this guy is?"

"You do actually." You laughed at the question, grinning as you pat him on the back. "He's been on the show a couple of times."

"Oh god, you mean the answer's right under my nose?"

You scoff at his response. "If it helps, he's a giant goofball." You nudge him with shoulder, smirking as you walk ahead of him. "Good job tonight, Jimmy!"

"Oh yeah, I see how it is! Thought we were friends!" He shouts back at you, playfully rolling his eyes and cracking up as you chuckle and head back to your dressing room.

You met up with your manager back in your dressing room and she arched a brow at you as soon as you came in.

"$20 says he'll call soon." Olive notes as she passes your phone over.

You simply shrug at her, your manager and your closest friend. "You're on girly." You laugh mischievously as you go through your phone for anything that you missed while going live on the show.

It had been tough to convince management and your publicist about keeping your then relationship under wraps– even from them. The only people who knew about it was well— you, Chris, Olive, and Scott. Scott wasn't even supposed to find out. He came to visit while you were over at Chris' and you didn't have enough time to make an escape. And Olive well— she's your bestfriend. What choice do you have?

You honestly don't know if Chris even listened to your music. So you weren't exactly expecting a phone call even if you technically did say something about calling you if he heard the song. The song has been out for two weeks now but you still didn't hear from him. Besides, Chris is more of a documentary and news guy rather than a chat shows and reality tv guy.

A little notification pops up on the top of your screen while you were scrolling through your emails.

Chris: Should I call now?

You gasped, accidentally letting go of your phone and it drops on the floor with a loud clad. You looked up at Olive, who eyed you weirdly.

"He texted."

She grins at you. "Pay up, girlie."

You chuckle, rolling your eyes at your friend before picking your phone up and you quickly typed out a reply. "He's asking if he should call."

"I'll give you some time. " Olive nods, standing up from her seat as she goes out to leave the room. "We're leaving in thirty."

His name pops up on the screen soon after she left and you inhaled deeply before you picked it up.

"Hey." He breathes, chuckling softly as soon as you picked up.

"Chris."

"You did great, Y/n. Dodger dozed off listening to you sing." He starts, his voice low and you realised that he watched the show- oh my god.

"You heard the song?"

"Watched the Show Me Your Phone video too."

"Oh my god." You laughed, taking a seat on the couch while your heart beats just a little bit faster.

"Y'know, I'm gonna be fuckin' embarrassed if it turns out that you weren't basically telling me to call you." His accent was thick as he speaks and it made you a little flustered.

"Nope." You popped the word. "It's definitely you."

You hear him breathe a sigh of relief as he talks to Dodger over the phone. "You were right, buddy."

You let out a breathy laugh at his words. "Did he convince you to call?"

"It's just those damn puppy dog eyes. I think he really misses you." Chris says before he clears his throat and you could almost feel his nerves through the phone. "Wanna come over?"

A giant grin forms on your lips. "Be there in an hour?"

Chris chuckles, "Okay. See ya soon, gorgeous."

---

You changed into something more comfortable and you got Olive to drop you off somewhere in Chris' neighbourhood— making some lame excuse about how you had to visit a friend. She obviously didn't believe you but she let you go anyways, telling you to stay safe, to not get caught by any paps, and sends you off with a "Don't do anything crazy, Y/n."

You ended up on Chris doorstep 10 minutes later, knocking on his door with your poor attempt of a disguise with just a hoodie, sweats and a cap. He was quick to open the door, instant pulling you into a hug as he kicks the door shut.

"Hi." He starts off, grinning almost shyly when he pulls away.

"Hey," You giggle in reply, letting your arms stay around his torso.

"I'll make you some hot cocoa then we can talk?" He suggests. "Dodger's on the sofa."

You nod, following him as he walks inside the house. You're familiar with it, but it's been so, so long that it just felt a little awkward to be back in Chris' home again.

Chris goes into the kitchen while you head to the sofa where Dodger's just sprawled out on.

"Bubba!"

The pup perks up at your voice and he barks immediately as you rush over to him and plop yourself beside him before he climbs into your lap. Dodger excitedly licks your face and he pawed at your hoodie.

You laugh at the mutt, letting your hand rub over his belly. "I missed you too, baby."

Dodger nuzzles into your touch when your fingers brushes through his fur as he slowly calms down. You're glad he didn't tackle you to the ground like when he finally met Chris after two whole weeks. He's cute but he's a huge dog. And heavy.

"Hey! Stop hogging her, you goof." Chris chides playfully when he comes into the living room with two mugs in his hand. Your hand stays on Dodger's fur while the other reaches grabbed a mug from Chris. The moment he sits beside you, Dodger moved so that he's half-sprawled on your lap and half on Chris.

"So," He drags awkwardly, a free hand going to the back of his neck and scratches at his nape. "Nice song."

Both of you stared at each other for a quick second before you both burst out in laughter.

"Okay, okay," He shakes his head with a chuckle, "But I'm serious, it's a really good song."

You cleared you throat, "Uhm– I didn't think that it'd reach you, honestly." You tried your best to look at him but for some reason, your gaze kept shifting down to the mug in your hands.

His voice got lower– almost a whisper but it was still loud enough for you to hear. "Did you mean it?"

You glanced up at him, and his eyes never left yours. You never stopped thinking of him— that's how you got the inspiration to write the song in the first place.

"Every word."

"Good." Chris breathes.

His lips was on yours in a split second, his free hand cupping your jaw and he shifts so he's closer to you. You tensed up, hands staying in the same spot with your fingers wrapped around the mug in your lap.

You pulled out of your daze, letting the mug rest in between your thigh so both your hands are free. You reach for Chris' face, twisting your body just a little and pull him closer, your lips moving slowly against his soft ones.

You feel Dodger hopping off your lap and you almost feel bad for the pup but Chris pulled away, so you kinda forgot about the dog. He had a cheeky smile on his lips while he stares at you. His fingers gently rubbing your cheek and he leans in to rest his forehead against yours.

"I love you too."

You couldn't help but chuckle before you realised that his hand holding the mug is hovering over your lap. "God, please don't spill that hot cocoa on me."

Chris glances down, laughing lightly before he backs away and took your mug too– placing both on the coffee table. He sits back beside you, hands reaching out and swiftly pulling you to sit on him.

"I missed you." He says softly, his hand staying on your waist and the other gently rubs your back.

Your arms rest on his shoulders, nose pressed against his and your lips curl into a grin.

"I know."

"So what? We're dating again?"

You hum, quickly pressing a kiss on the tip of his nose.

"Wanna tell everyone that I called you when I heard that song?"

You looked at him then, palms cradling his face and thumbs brushing against the soft skin underneath his eyes. "You sure, Chris? The media's gonna flip."

Chris nods, pulling you closer to him as he sits up. "We didn't tell anyone last time because of your career. There's nothin' to be scared of now, baby. Maybe the privacy thing, but it's nothing we can't deal with, right?"

"Olive's gonna kill me."

"And Megan will kill me. Should we request to be buried next to each other?"

"You only live once, right?"

Chris grins. "How do you wanna do this?"

"I'll post that video of us that Scott took on my stories with my song in the background."

He nods in agreement and pulls his phone out. "I know what I wanna post."

"You gonna show me?"

He hums as he taps on the screen and hides it from your view. "You'll see, sweetheart."

He glances back up at you after a quick minute, waiting for you to stop tapping on your phone. "You ready?"

You tap the button and wait for the story to load, and you quickly switch to Chris' account and refresh his page just to see his story.

When the purple ring pops up around his profile picture, you click on it. A picture of you on his couch with Dodger pops up with your song playing in the background. You realised its a picture he snapped just a few minutes ago while you were waiting for him to make the hot cocoa. Your face wasn't shown in the picture but it's easy to identify the person as you— if your voice singing in the background isn't enough.

"Sneaky." You teased as you turned your phone off and set it aside.

"No backing out now. You're with me for good, baby."

You cradle his jaw and lean down, bringing your lips close to his. "There's no other place I'd rather be."

-----

an | put me in jail but idc if this flops i really don't like it and it makes me sad bcs it could've gone so much better but im so 🫠🫠🫠

[yrbutchgf]

It's always so interesting to see people say they feel they can't be butch because they're X but X thing has been a defining aspect of butchness either in my own growing up or in butch culture in general. It feels like a recent internet invention that butches aren't massive softies or you have to be skinny to be butch? I'm sure it's area/community dependant but it makes zero sense to me and I think I will blame Shane from the L word for this.

All the older butches I've known and admired have been fat and deeply emotional people, to the point that's a defining trait of butchness to me as well as a common these in butch literature and historical photographs. A defining, if somewhat dubiously healthy, aspect of femme culture and history has been femmes as emotional rocks and protectors for butches who were regularly having the life beaten out of them physically and emotionally. Femmes are protectors just as much as butches in their own way, we share the burden. Just a sec I'm gonna send you a poem if I can fuckin find it

When butches cry No mountains quake No island form Only to slip into the sea Nor do trees fall Nor lightning strike Nor any other god-done thing When butches cry They weep, they wail They gnash their teeth and moan Strong women's pain It's just the same Except it's mostly done Alone — Bonni Barringer, from The Persistent Desire

oh my god this poem. head in my hands. oh my god fuck. i need to read more of the persistent desire. anyway here's the rest of your ask:

Every time I hear someone say they feel less butch because their feelings are strong and easily accessed it hurts my heart and I can't help but think of Ivan Coyote performing the Femme piece and choking up at "I want you to know that it's not always easy to love me". We go through a lot, I think we're allowed to have a bit of a cry sometimes: even when it hardens us we remain soft, just a bit more like a sea urchin or perhaps a pinchful crab. Signed, a tough looking butch who cried and cried today after listening to Will I? From rent for the thousandth time after getting bad health news. Fuck it. If Butch Tears is good enough for LA/ATX Pocket Expo: The New Rules of Flagging 1. It's good enough for us and 2. They should sell it so we can be aesthetic as we sob please.

you're so right, i absolutely agree -- all the butches i looked up to (who were, unfortunately, historical butches, as i didn't know any older butches in real life in my childhood, there weren't any in my area) were fat butches. that body standard definitely seems to me like a new pressure, an invention of the tumblr (and now tiktok) skinny-white-androgynous-gnc-nonbinary industrial complex/standard.

emotions on the other hand, i think have always been a sort of sore subject for butches, at least from what i've read. barringer says it here too -- "it's mostly done/Alone." i think a lot of butches, modern and otherwise, feel the need to bottle up, compartmentalize, pack away their emotions in an attempt to fill that protector role, so nobody but them has to deal with all of it. it's not healthy, and i think a lot of butches spend a lot of time unlearning that urge, because not for nothing i think a lot of everybody spend a lot of time unlearning the urge to hide their emotions, to make them more palatable to other people.

it takes a very brave person to do what coyote did and hop on a stage and be vulnerable; it takes courage to let other people see that you're soft inside, and hurting, in daily life or otherwise. i think it takes a lot of work to be comfortable with and confident about that. but like i said in that other post, i think learning how to do that in healthy ways, how to share and let people in, can also function in the protector role in a similar sense to what you're talking about with femmes: making it safe for the people around you to open up as well, by extension of yourself being open about your feelings. that's very deeply butch to me.

i think your point about "hardening" is really good, too. you're right, even when butches harden up they're still soft in the center... hardening's just a way to keep the outside from poking in, not a way to cleanse yourself of your emotionalism. the visual of a sea urchin feels very apt.

i'm sorry about whatever news you received -- health is always such a stressful thing. i'm glad you found a way to get it out of you. you're right, sometimes (most of the time in my experience lol) you really do just need a good cry. that's healing

[heresyourramen]

Firebird - Choi Yeonjun x (Fem) Reader

Part of the Hamratia Collaboration by @delicatewerewolfsoul and @sleepylixie.

The artist is Choi Yeonjun, Greek god is Apollo and the deadly sin, pride.

Genre: Greek mythology/ ballet school AU, Angst, villain YN.

Word Count: 11 305

Warnings: Mentions of injury, swearing, the word boobs once, backstabbing (because that's showbizz babyyy), Villain YN, the tiktok audio "gatekeep, gaslight, girlboss" comes to mind, and the crippling pressure of never being perfect that is often found in any sport.

Description: Cupid might never be a victor when apposing Apollo in archery but he had still managed to bring the Sun God to his knees with a single of his arrows.

and he will continue to torment him for his prideful claims, for Daphne's heart will forever be pierced by Cupids led arrow.

Yeonjun, a principle dancer at the Laurier School of Ballet, had a lot going for him, he was from a well respected family within the performing arts community and had been granted a scholarship many in the school would envy him for. Sadly he did have one thing that was not going in his favour a rather tragic and unsuccessful love life, riddled with beautiful woman and men, even the lovers of his closest friends.

Until he one day finds himself Infatuated with a prize he could not attain.

A Firebird.

Honestly you could never tell if Yeonjun was actually naïve or just played dumb.

Girls and boys flocked to him and he seemed to fawn over whom ever piqued his interest most but it never lasted longer than a month, or someone cheated on someone or the relationship ended out being a fiery crash of hatred and venomous bouts in hallways with wide eyed audiences. Somehow he always acted as if he had gotten the short end of the stick, for a week forlorn before another beauty of sorts would be the centre of his attention. Sweet melodies would once again come from where ever he worked, a soft tenor promising spring and love and hope.

You steered clear.

If it wasn't an emotional roller-coaster enough being a double major, his affections would seem to be. No, you'd much rather work on your stubborn unsupple hips and relevés you always get scolded for than listen to whatever hot mess he had going on.

And god was it a loud hot mess. Your headphones blasting Dua Lipa wasn't even drowning out the heated argument between Yeonjun and his dance partner, seated in the corner of the massive practice room by the only corner without mirrors and filled with shelves for bags you keep your eyes on anything but the pair. You turn to face Jungkook who stood stretching as well but with none of the concerns of being caught as he watches curiously a humoured smirk on his lips. You had been lucky enough to be paired with the groups teaching assistant, just as well you were sure half the boys in your class couldn't even lift you. He senses your stare and looks down at where your sat opening up your hips his smirk stretching to a full blown smile, great at least someone was enjoying this spectacle. A shame really that the two strongest dancers in the class were paired up together for the showcase that would double as evaluations, it meant none of the other junior dancers would stand a chance at impressing anyone but also it was a shame that they also happened to be exes. You huff a small sigh through your nose as you get up from the floor and remove the headphones to put in your bag and to pull out the black training tutu. Jungkook had suggested it considering the challenge of the chosen dance itself that from the start you get used to how it would affect your movements, when he'd announced that the firebird pas de deux you'd nearly spilt more than half your coffee on him. It was insane, you'd thought, you were much better suited for contemporary styles and the Modern Jazz ensemble but Jungkook was patient and understanding most of the time as well as stern when necessary and since the performance would also affect his station in the school you didn't argue. Your fingers guide it over your stockings and over your leotard before fiddling where it had bent funny or folded. You turn towards the door a scowl set on your face at who ever barged in, you had booked the studio for the next three hours no one was supposed to come watch you clumsily stumble into Jungkook's arms.

A boy stood in the door way, eyes wide as it landed on you, you recognised him from around campus a friend of Yeonjuns and a classmate Seo Changbin. He wasn't all that tall but his black t-shirt was stretched taught over a broad chest and big arms, gaze sharp even hidden under his long dark fringe that swept over his forehead and eyes. His gaze matched yours and the unimpressed frown he wore disappeared for only a moment as it fell on you softening slightly as he held up a hand in a small wave to you and your partner respectfully. You dip your head in a nod as greeting before another angry curse draws his attention and yours to the bickering couple.

"Yeonjun-ah!" his voice was loud and sharp enough to make the two dancers stop.

"We will be late for class AGAIN, if you don't move your annoyingly firm ass NOW!" Yeonjun's eyes flickered to the clock above the doorway his friend had just burst through and cursed under his breath before running towards you and Jungkook to grab his bags leaving his dance partner to angrily stomp her way after him. You sweep past them in a wide arc and into the centre of the room as you test out the silky pointes arching up onto your toes and back down as you wait for Jungkook to plug in his phone to the sound system and start the music. He turns and nods at you and you take a step towards the edge of the room aware of the curious gazes on your figures. You stand ready and as soon as the whirring clarinet starts you start your leaping entrance before a twirling arabesque. One thing you cursed Jungkook for was that he managed to choose a dance that had you constantly moving. The door shut and announced they'd left leaving you to fight your way through the next three hours of strenuous technicalities.

Yeonjun would've applauded himself for his dress of choice the baggy grey sweatpants he wore over his tights and tight black t shirt he'd been training in had made it possible to switch out his own ballet shoes for some Jordan's easily enough before Changbin could pull him out of the studio by his hair. They managed to slide into the back seats of the lecture hall for music theory just on time.

"What's the dancer that was waiting with Jungkook Sunbae for you two to stop squabbling's name again?" Changbin murmured his gaze transfixed to the page of his notebook as he doodled away trying to force himself into a state of calm.

"Who?" Yeonjun frowned he hadn't cared much for the pair that waited, he was fully distracted by the small mistakes that his partner was making and would cost him his place as top student and his scholarship no doubt. Changbin looked up at him, any ounce of sympathy for his crappy partner and whatever patience he had left dissipated into the stuffy air of the dark lecture hall, how could he have so little care for the people around him daily? He'd seen you in the hallways with either a massive canvas bag or a baggy sweater over a leotard and skirt and always with a tight slicked back bun that emphasized a deadly serious gaze that often rolled back at the sight of them or rather Yeounjun and whomever he had hanging onto him that day.

"Oh you mean Y/N ?" Yeonjun eyes widened innocently, with the realization. Changbin nodded and Yeonjun shrugged his gaze lowering along with his posture as he slid down to slump his tired body into his chair.

"What about her?"

"Well... aren't they in our class? What do you think their presentation will look like? " Changbin inquired curiously as he watched his friend shrug again his eyes still trained at the slideshow the teacher was babbling over.

"Jungkook is the teaching assistant but he'd managed to pair up with a sub-par ballet dancer, poor guy. Her ankles are weak and she's too contemporary, her theatricality is commendable but mostly just makes her routines seem sloppy, why?" Yeonjun said with a small tug at the corner of his lips as he swept the dark black tresses from his eyes that never left their pacing lecturer. Because of this he missed the way Changbins irritated smirk dropped away, his lips pulling into an ugly straight line, an expression that had started showing more recently. He would agree there was room for an improvement, but there was for everyone in their class even the principle beside him. His temper was on a very short leash with his friend as he watched his arrogance grow after every break up. Yeonjun's love life was tragic, truly, and he'd feel bad for his friends pitiful attempts at relationships if he wasn't such a goddamn prick about it. Yeonjun had managed to date many a girl or boy that even his friends had some sort of interest in, always managing it in a way that made it seem he couldn't help himself and Changbin was tired of it, exhausted not even getting a chance. That small little proud smirk was still stuck on his friends face when he inquired once more.

"Are you not in the slightest bit worried that they might manage to out stage you?" Yeonjun had to muffle his loud 'Ha' with a cough as he snickered to himself his friends gaze growing darker as his frown deepened.

"Of course not but its cute that you worry for me 'Bin." Yeonjun answered with a sweet smile and a pat on the shoulder before focusing back on the class.

That would be it, Changbin thought, Yeonjuns own pride would be his downfall.

He'd make sure of it.

"Hi! Y/N, right?" the strange voice announced its presence loudly from beside the studio door, you're startled enough to drop the empty water bottle and your history book. To tired to even worry about it, you simply raise your hands over your eyes and sigh deeply, brushing the few loose strands that had managed to escape from the the gel and hairpins during the the gruelling three hour training session out of your face. One would imagine after two weeks your body would be used to it but alas. Every part of you ached, actually it was a relief not holding that 10 ton excuse of a book and you knew if you didn't open your eyes right away you'd fall asleep right there standing. You let your arms fall to your sides and raise your eyes to the culprit who stood holding your bottle and book a soft concern gracing his dark features.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mind to startle you like that." He apologizes but doesn't make a move to hand you back your belongings.

"It's okay I'm pretty jumpy by nature." You wave him off not even attempting to muster the frustration you probably should have felt.

"Have you been training for the last couple of hours?" Changbins brow furrows and his eyes trail over your figure clad in some sweatpants and your training jumper. You nod slowly and pulling your phone out of your bag to check the time you'd ran over time, since no one had booked the slot for the studio after. Jungkook stepped out of the studio dark hair swept back as he pulled on his own black hoodie.

"Oh Jungkook, just who I'm looking for." Changbin says and he rests a soft hand on your elbow as he gently guides you out of the doorway his other still holding your stuff before falling away as he stands beside you

"Changbin Madame Jeong spoke to me earlier. Are you sure about swapping places?" Jungkook gets straight to the point, his brow furrowing. Changbin couldn't blame him, being evaluated on your dance ability and your ability to choreograph a piece from scratch was completely different.

"It's not like I have much choice, Tzuyu won't be back anytime soon with a torn ACL." Changbin hears your shocked gasp, and turns his head to observe your hand over your mouth and eyes wide at the shocking news. With classes being suspended for the rest of the semester and such a large group few people had known of her injury.

"What's going to happen now?" You ask eyes wide with concern as you look between the older man and your classmate.

"Jeong had suggested Changbin take my place in your performance and I participate in my own years evaluation." Jungkook said with an apologetic expression down at you, your tired features barely even managed a proper frown.

"What?"

"It's still a month and Changbin is one of the best dancers in the group, you'll be fine." Jungkook wore a guilty expression as he scratched the back of his head as he watched your shoulders hunch over, folding in on yourself as you start to slowly loose hope.

"Hey! Don't do that, you know I'll even come help out if you need me!" he grabs you by your shoulders and force you to look at him, he doesn't break the stare down until you nod. You were furious, not only was this inconvenient but it would effect the outcome of the rest of your studies at this school. But you couldn't even muster any of the energy you needed to be upset about it after a gruelling session.

"Whatever," You shake Jungkooks hands off your shoulders and take your stuff from Changbin who'd been watching the exchange with a nervous nibble at his plump bottom lip.

"We're doing Firebird, I'm sure Jungkook will inform you of how atrocious I am." You turn on your heal and walk away because honestly, fuck that shit.

"Hey I think we got off on the wrong foot I'm Cha-" Changbin stood leaning behind the studio door waiting for you to show up. You had contemplated not showing, because who cares at this point? Not Jungkook, not Changbin and certainly  not that piece of work director Jeong.

"I know who you are, don't worry." You interrupt him as you fiddle with a hair pin that was practically indented into your skull with the way you had furiously stabbed it into the bun. Changbin to his credit musters the decency to look guilty.

"This isn't ideal for either of us but I have faith in us." Changbin says softly and you nearly bark a laugh in his face, you instead settle for a scoff. Yeah, sure he'd be fine he was a top student, technically near perfect almost better than Yeonjun only lacking the physical stature that would be needed to accommodate taller partners, where you're bottom tier at least in ballet, a charity case and no doubt a relief to be rid off, Jungkook was probably ecstatic knowing you weren't his responsibility anymore.

"Yeah, we'll see how you feel after the next three hours buddy." You pat him on his shoulder before brushing past him into the studio at 12 sharp. Changbin with a frustrated glower follow you, you weren't going to make this easy.

He steps in to the sound of Yeonjun's ex yelling at his friend and he can't help but feel a little better about this mess, he doubted you'd snap at him like that.

Your judgement was obvious, your face like an open book as you observed the pair going at each other. But it wasn't just disapproval, it was a corner of a lip tilted in a smile laced with pity. Changbin just wasn't sure if it was for Yeonjun or his partner.

He guessed it was the latter rather, by his past experience of being pinned with a scrutinious stare every time he was with his friend.  You weren't part of the plan in anyway, in fact he really was praying to what ever immortal beings existed in the realms of the heavens the two of you would perform a passable performance at least, but there was always another way to throw Yeonjun of his game.

Love.

His ex was playing a big role in her reluctance to cooperate and he didn't even have to do much about it, in fact Changbin didn't have to do anything about it but that wouldn't be enough. It wasn't Yeonjuns first challenging partner, he'd manage, highly stressed but he'd still  do his best.

"Changbin?" Your voice breaks his stare from the pair as they train through their rendition of Apollo and one of the muses dance and he notes that you're already in the black tutu over your not so traditional leotard. It wouldn't be a problem if the zip that ran down it's front was done up like most other students wore it. He swallowed hard, he didn't blame you, he'd heard that leotards were constricting, he just didn't realize it would do a better job than a push up bra.

"If you're done could we possibly get them out of here?" He doesn't miss the small smile that graces your features before turning around to face the mirrors and finish your stretching. Changbin clears his throat as he quickly changes out of his sneakers.

"Yeonjun, times up!" His voice booms over the music and shocks you enough to come up from the back bend you'd been stretching in, unwinding a supple arch until you're stood straight again, only to be met with a different sharp gaze from under black strands. Yeonjuns dark eyes are trailing over your torso as he makes his way over towards his bag, you keep your face straight as your fingers find the zip on your front, you taunt him a small drag down, his tongue sliding over his full bottom lip, before zipping it all the way up.  You keep yourself from laughing at the way the softest pink dusts his cheeks and his eyes divert as you pass him, you'd think they'd never seen a pair of boobs before the way these boys were acting.

"You ready?" Changbin calls over, his brow raised. He hadn't missed the brief exchange and you meet his gaze.

"I am, but do you know the choreography?" Your brows raise and Changbin gives you a smug little smirk as  answer and starts the music.

"ohmygod you're worse than Jungkook!" You babble. You swear you can hear your hips breaking as Changbin pushes down through his arms keeping your knees on the worn hardwood floor. Solid, warm muscle is pressing into your back as he leans over you.

"Stop complaining it's only a few more seconds." He huffs out, but when you tilt your head up you're met with a grin through your watery eyes. The timer goes off and you suck in a deep breath as Changbin lets you relax out of the pose. The session had been hard, he'd managed to point out technicalities that Jungkook had managed to miss or rather chose to ignore when he suggested cooldown your legs nearly gave out, it was outrageous the best modern dance program at a fucking ballet school. You weren't built for this. You lie back with a huff and watch as Changbin sets another timer.

"More?" This was crazy and he shakes his head with playful grin.

"It's only helping you." He points out and takes your now sweatpants clad legs and straighten them out for you before taking one ankle and pushing it up and towards your chest. This isn't nearly as difficult but it was uncomfortable. His arm that wasn't holding your leg was pushing your hips down to assure it from lifting and although he was sat kneeling between your legs he was still half hanging over your face. Sharp cologne, mixed with sweat was filling your airways and a thin silver chain dangled from around his neck as his he watched you. You clear your throat and head of all of your inappropriate thoughts.

"How'd you know the choreography?" You ask softly but jot your chin out just a little to assert yourself more.

Changbin smiles down at you.  The last three hours had been the most time he'd spent with you, in the last two years and he couldn't help himself, he enjoyed your company. Your confidence, your focus and drive. Your being aware of yourself, wo you are and your bold assertion of it had made him more comfortable than intimidated.

"Jungkook and I ran through it last night after you threw a temper tantrum and ran off." He watches your eyes roll dramatically ready to snap back at him with something sarcastic or mean but he doesn't give you the chance too.

"I'm also pretty familiar with it, I've done parts of it before." Your mouth closes and brows knit in a frown at the interruption and he chuckles at the expression. His fingers trail along your calve softly as he sits back and releases his grip on your ankle to do the same with the other one. But when he leans back over you his face is serious, brows drawn pensively together and lips in an angry line.  You leave it, to tired to pry.

"Y/n... I- what would you do if I made a proposition?" His sharp stare flicks from where it was staring at the floor and to your face and you squirm slightly.

"Depends, what's in it for me?" Your voice is low as each of you regard the other with hesitancy.

"An A+." Changbin answered and you laughed.

"You're funny."

"Y/N. I'm serious." You settle down and he pins you with a determined stir.

"I want to beat Yeoujun. I want his scholarship, and I want principle."  Your eyes widen at that. You didn't have much against Yeonjun besides the fact that he was annoying and reeked of talent but did nothing with it.

"That's a little harsh isn't it? I get principle but the scholarship? Aren't you guys friends?" You inquire curiously and Changbin lowers his head to avoid your gaze. When he looks back up his tongue is stuck in his cheek as he grins.

"You'd think? Either way he sure as hell doesn't fucking act like it." He says it with a little bitter chuckle. The two of you sit in that loaded silence, filled with secrets, and revenge and jealousy for a moment just staring at the other.

"What do you say?" He's leaning closer and his words just above a whisper as he continues to regard you a moment longer, eyes flickering over your face trying to read your expression the tension was palpable if you stuck out the tip of your tongue you'd taste it and Changbins lips.

The glass doors click open.

"Am I interrupting something?" A familiar voice calls and dripping with smugness. Changbin watches as you roll you eyes and sits back with a little smile as he lets go of your leg and ankle. Yup, definitely the right candidate.

You sit up from the floor and look over at the door where Yeonjun is leaning a little grin on his face as he takes in the sight of the two of you, Changbin idly resting in between your thighs.

"It's called stretching, I'm sure you've heard of it before. You know, being a ballet dancer and all?" Changbin retorts and helps you to stand. His hand rests softly in the small of your back and gives it a soft pat  to nudge you towards your bags. You zip the leotard down again, so you can breathe and fiddle your phone out of your bag to check the time and slip your feet into your sneakers. You still had 20 minutes of your session left, how rude.

"She joining us?"

"I can hear you." You voice is sharp as you basically rip your bag off the ground and walk towards them. You pause beside Changbin shifting your weight to one side as you cross your arms over your chest and let your eyes wander over Yeonjun's figure,  tall and strong and delicate features, gender envy if you've ever seen it. God he was perfect, so hopelessly beautiful and and torturously seductive, strong figure dressed in a white shirt taught across his chest and sweats hanging dangerously low on his hips.

"I'll do it." You turn your head and face Changbin who tries his best to hide his panic.

"What? Join us for dinner?" Yeonjun scoffed.

"Oh, how lovely I've been upgraded from object to person worth addressing directly. No, I would rather not join. " You retort and turn to face Changbin and soften your features in a smile as you let your hand rest on the tan skin of his bicep. The same one that had effortlessly lifted you into the hair for two hours as if you were air.

"I'll text you."

Yeonjun watches you with an aghast smile as you push past and waltz out of the doors.

"Quite the partner you got there." Changbin had been watching your figure through the glass doors and smiled to himself.

"Sure is."

The door clicked shut behind them and Changbin tossed the hood of his black hoodie over his still slightly damp hair as they made their way out of the building.

"How's your training going?" Changbin inquired out of courtesy. Yeonjun had been breezing through the almost abandoned school hallways beside him almost without a worry.

"I think she'll claw my eyes out, maybe it'll be a good thing, then I can't see all the mistakes she's making." Yeonjun huffed his arms that he'd stretched up and above over his head flopping to his sides on frustration and Changbin laughed a little at that.

"How about you?"

"It's only been a day, but she's really not as bad as you make her seem. I've never met someone who works so hard in something she won't need." Changbin shoved his hands into his pockets as they make their way across the parking lot.

It was true. Despite your complaints about stretching, you'd let him run you through every part of the routine without any reluctance. Everytime he stopped and restarted, picking at a millisecond misstep, a finger a touch out of place, or an arm not soft enough, you'd let him do so without even so much as slight glimpse of reluctance. You'd take the critisism and focus on improving every single time, Jungkook had also managed to pick a character that suited your theatricality Yeonjun had previously criticised you for. You had even managed a lack of reaction at his fumbling in the different lifts, patiently letting him get used to it.

"That doesn't always make you good." Yeonjin pointed out as Changbin unlocked his car. Changbin had to keep himself from trying to rip his driver side door off at the sudden comment. Instead he takes a moment to pause as he leans against the car roof.

"What? Was that a little harsh?" Yeonjun said in a rather insincere tone from across the car roof.

"Get in the car." Changbin grumbles in answer.

"Forget about the evaluation for a second." Changbin mumbles through a mouthful of burger. It wasn't the best dietary choice but it had been a while he'd worked so hard for such a long duration of time, not because he had to make up for what you lacked but because your determination to do well fuelled him to do the same. Yeonjin was eating away at a plate of fries and looked up at his friend curiously.

"What do you think of YN?" Yeonjun pauses slightly.

There was no denying it, there wasn't many dancer's like you at Laurier, there was actually no other dancers like you. You were an enigma. Few would suffer through years of dance programs that weren't related to their focus, or even suffer through entrance exams in forms that weren't trained just to follow their dreams. Besides that, you held a seductive air, it was part of your muscular, curvier build that many of the female ballet dancer's lacked. You were stronger, your leaps and jumps far higher than most of the female student body and closely matching some of the boys in the classes best even. Your eyes were definitely what had caught Yeonjun's attention but not because they were a particular colour. Rather it was the firey emotion that constantly burned in them. You were passionate. Whenever his eyes met your sharp gaze he saw flames burn, gold and warm.  And he'd be lying if he didn't say he envied it, just a little.

"She's pretty."

Changbins brow raises as if implying, that's all?He knew Yeonjun to well and there was clearly more to the loaded statement.

"Fine, she's more than pretty, but does that really matter? Let's be honest neither of us have been big on locker room talk 'bin." Yeonjun says pointedly and Changbin nods pensively gazing up at the ugly florescent lighting in the dingy diner. He guessed that's maybe why Yeonjun had swiped Felix out of his grasp in an instant. Because Yeonjun never cared much to discuss whom his friends might be interested in. Either way, Changbin doesn't see Felix around anymore unless he passes by a room scheduled for the younger groups ballet sessions.

"I guess you're right. I'm just asking, because I like her shitty attitude and I know most of the girls are stuck up but her words have a bite to it that I think makes her different." Changbin says out loud and steals a fry from his friend who looks him on affronted. But the words are heavy on his ears. Yes the bite, fire. Yeonjun thought, fire that burns red and angry.

"You have the weirdest taste."

"Yah, we have the same taste so don't go around insulting me just yet." Changbin said and tossed a piece of lettuce at Yeonjun but it fell short next to his plate instead.

"Yeah well, you're on your own this time." Yeonjun scoffed and wore half smirk as he picked up the glass of ice water.

"Are you sure?" Changbin said softly his sharp chin resting on his hands as he stared at his friend, eyes narrowed. Yeonjun didn't like it. Like he knew that it was a desperate dismissal of obvious attraction. His critique of your horrible technique and inexperience was something he's used to brush off his crush in his first year at the school because how could you ever be what he wanted ? You sucked and had no friends, in all honesty you were extremely bad then and he couldn't help but wonder how the fuck you made it all the way to third year evaluation.

"I think you're lying." Changbin said with a tiny smirk one that most definitely had the devil hiding behind it.

"I don't think you just happened to remember her name Yeonjun." Changbin said and chuckled as he pulled his wallet out and dug out some cash that he put on the table to cover their dinner.

"You're delusional." Yeonjun hissed and shot him a glare as he collected his bag and hoodie. Changbin was halfway to the door when he turned to face his friend again.

"And you're a terrible liar."

The atelier was empty except for the three of you. The blonde was tall and lanky, built like a dancer himself but here you were, at a fashion school. When Changbin said  he knew someone who could help with costumes you hadn't expected this.  You hadn't expected him to drag you halfway across the city in a really nice car on a Saturday morning, picking you up with a bag  filled with a white tutu in your size and some craft items to take you out to a completely different art school.

"Changbin, I hate you."

"Come on! Hyunjin you have a costume design practical next semester and all you have to do is decorate a to and spray paint a white tutu red." Changbin tried to reason but the tall, handsome man remained unimpressed.

"I hate you." Hyunjin seems to stand his ground as he stares down his shorter friend, you bite down on your lip at the exchange and your eyes widen slightly as his glare lands on you.

"But I'll do it. Only since I'm poor and you're paying rich boy." Hyunjin held up a finger before dramatically sweeping long blonde hair out of his face. You feel a sigh of relief pass through your lips for some reason.

"Also your partner is stunning." Hyunjin said with a vapid flap of his one hand in the direction where you sat. You raise your brows and smile as Changbin shoots you a quick pained glare, "You'll have to give me her number so I can use her as a model in the future for a few projects."

You sit up a little straighter at the sound of that, Chin tilting up proudly.  It wasn't that you were insecure, that wasn't the case at all. It was just that you were constantly in an environment were the bone thin and light ballet dancer was the beauty ideal and you didn't match it. It was nice, getting out and being reminded that you're most definetly an enviable beauty for some.

"We'll do fittings at your school next week." Hyunjin huffed as he pulled out the things Changbin had brought along.

"Really?" Hyunjin holds up a black t shirt and Changbin shrugs.

"You're supposed to be a prince, I can't just make you un upgraded t-shirt!"

"I would like to state for the record, that I said that too." You raise your hand and Hyunjin slaps Changbin over the back of the head and you snicker that you hide behind a cough.

"Why won't you listen to her? You're a real piece of work."  Hyunjin shakes his head and lets out a frustrated huff before pulling the measuring tape around his neck and using a finger to tell Changbin to turn.

"It won't do, I'll make you a proper coat." Hyunjin started taking Changbins measurements, wen he said a number out loud you jumped realizing he was expecting you to write it down for him. You scramble and make your way over to the book on the table beside them writing down the numbers for him.

"Thank you for being such a wonderful assistant." Hyunjin says and his warm smile has your own lips tugging upwards.

"Anytime." you assure him and he surprises you as he takes your hand and plants a soft kiss on your knuckles before turning to face his friend.

"You. If you ever try to bring me a t-shirt and think you're overthrowing a prince with it again, I will choke you." Hyunjin scolds and you raise a brow at the title curiously.

"Prince?"

"Yes, its a nickname we gave Yeonjun since he has everything." Hyunjin explained.

"Everything?" You push and Hyunjin looks over at Changbin who gives a nod of encouragement.

"Yeonjuns always been a talented dancer and well, his family is pretty well off being some of the largest investors in the art community but he also has that wonderful scholarship that his dads company has at the school."

"It's his fathers company?" That was news to you, probably because you didn't have any friends to gossip with at the school.

"And everyone's okay with it?" You ask, your face unable to hide your obvious disgust.

"Well whats anyone going to do about it? Talk to Jeong? He's her prodigy." Hyunjin reasoned.

"But the students...", You try to reason and Changbins shake of his head shuts you up.

"Don't care, everyone wants to be his friend, fuck him or already has."

"On that solemn note, please leave so I can offer up my free time to this nightmare of a project." Hyunjin shoo's the two of you out.

Once you're buckled in the seat of the passenger side of Changbins car you wait patiently as he fiddles with the buttons on the stereo.

"What's your plans for today?" Changbin asks and you shrug.

"I don't have any, unless you want to train. In which case I'm fully booked." You can't help your smile as he cackles brightly.

"Wanna do something? I mean we haven't really had time to discuss any of our uh, approaches?" Changbin struggles to fine a subtle way to say revenge plot and this time its your turn to laugh.

"What did you have in mind?" Changbin grins and starts his car as an answer.

"Changbin I can't afford anything on this menu." You hiss with wide eyes and he waves you off, as if you weren't struggling to do the maths that would keep you from compromising your already strictly ramen noodle diet.

"It's my treat then." You can't help the grimace, what was it with these super rich art school kids. You sit back in the to nice chair and stare at his eyes wandering the menu.

"Why me?" His brows dip in question. "Why did you ask me to help you with the Yeonjun issue?"

An acknowledging nod signals his understanding but he's still quiet for a moment to long.

"Your a bit of an odd case. You seem to severely dislike him and well you are something he can't have."

"Please continue." He puts his menu down on the white table cloth gently before resting his chin on his intertwined fingers.

"The Choi's, as lovely and charitable as they are, expect  perfection perhaps not from everyone but definitely from their son." You sit upright in your seat, curiosity piqued.

"You aren't exactly what is considered to be daughter-in-law material and that's not because you aren't pretty enough because lets be honest you're gorgeous. It's simply because you aren't part of the family's close friends, specifically one of the shining stars." You can't help the blush tinting your cheeks at the compliment mid explanation and Changbin notices despite the extremely soft lighting casting a glow on everything, enough to give you a small smile and a coy head tilt.

"Yeonjun doesn't have a lot of options but his romantic escapades," Changbin breathes out a humourless chuckle, "Let's just say, that's how he rebels."

"That still doesn't explain my unattainability?" You raise a brow and sit back in your seat again.

Changbin reaches over the table, careful of the vase filled with bright orange flowers and takes one of your hands softly in his own, the action was odd but not enough to alarm you.

Yet.

"Yeonjun always wants to be the best and for a while, actually, too long he has been." Changbins eyes are trained on your hand, having turned it over so he could trace the folds and lines of your palm with his fingers.

"Y/N, it takes one simple challenge. A suggestion that he might not be the best and his pride would rule him. He'd be so focused on proving everyone that his station is deserved, that he is in fact the best,  that he'd be to blind to see his own downfall coming."

"He assumes that everyone has placed him on the same pedestal that he had placed himself on his entire life, so that the idea of someone not doing so doesn't exist to him."

Changbin looks up from your hand dark glare trained on your face.

"You don't like him, and he can't believe it."

"You like me more, would rather be partnered with anyone but him?"

You nod slowly to confirm that Changbins observation is correct.

"He can't have that. He'll become obsessed with proving that you're wrong in doing so." Changbins gaze is back on your palm, his soft tracing sending a ghost of shivers down your spine.

"So not only aren't you what his parents expect but you also seem to have a solid dislike for him. It wasn't the plan, honestly." Changbin looks up at you hand squeezing yours now as if it would convey his promise as truthful.

"But it sure is convenient." You say lowly and he nods, suddenly not so sure about how good of an idea it was asking for help. He wasn't sure if the blank mask you wore could because of inner turmoil, for all he knew his explanation could have completely changed your mind in helping him out. He lets go of your hand, sliding his own back slowly his eyes fixed on your face waiting for your next reaction.  What it would be, what he was waiting for he didn't know but it certainly wasn't what he had expected.

The soft chuckle wasn't unwelcome but it was definitely confusing.

"Wow, how does that saying go? Keep your friends close and your enemies closer? Yeonjun took that pretty seriously, huh?" Changbin doesn't fail to see the irony.

"Don't get me wrong,  we were friends and in some twisted way I'm sure we still are."

"But?"

"But I'm tired of losing to him." Changbin slinks back into his seat hands off the table and falling helplessly to his lap.

You encourage him to continue by pouring water from the jug on the table into his glass as if its a stiff drink, like the one he seems to need.

"There was this one guy. Fuck, was it bad. He's sweet and his cheeks would squish up and make it impossible to count the freckles that was all over his cheeks and nose. I wasn't even crushing, I practically skipped that whole step and boy did I make it obvious." He was sitting back up and he wore a half assed grin one that held more than its fair share of sadness.

"No one missed it, so either Yeonjun was impossibly blind or clearly was trying to make a point." Changbin resorted to finally reaching for his glass of water but simply opted for staring at the droplets running down the side of the glass.

"So he swooped in, charmed the living daylights out of him before I could blink, promptly broke his heart and now Felix doesn't speak to any of us anymore."

"Felix? As in Felix Lee?"  The description Changbin had given wasn't terribly subtle, but it was still somewhat of a surprise.

"Yeah and unfortunately my friend didn't just betray me he broke my heart without even thinking about it twice or having the decency of  asking if my puppy dog eyes meant something."

The revenge plot was starting to make sense and as much as you didn't like Yeonjun, Changbin might've let it slip that his opinion of your ballet abilities wasn't the highest. Of course sticks and stones, but you couldn't help growing fond of Changbin a bit of a Dark cloud that hid a bundle of charm and softness that had seeped past your cold exterior. Dammit you'd even consider him a friend, your first at Laurier.

He was still clearly worried that whatever it was he was planning you'd say no too, weary glances from his hands on his glass to you. You offer him a small grin to soothe his worries.

"Oh don't worry, you still have me in your corner Binnie."  You say gently before sitting forward. "Now, what's the plan exactly?"

Yeonjun watched as your hair followed with your twirls, the red and gold feathers bouncing along with the tutu as you playfully one two stepped into a pirouette with a big smile, your eyes alight with joy as you giggled. The pretty glimmering costume sparkled brightly and he couldn't help but think that your smile seemed blinding in comparison. He'd never seen it before, such happiness coming from you while doing ballet. Granted, you were doing a terrible job at practicing proper technique or steps but the freely stepping to releve and the flowing of your arms  with the glittering feather arm bands made you truly seem like a firebird, free and joyous and beautiful.

Changbin was right the character suited you and perhaps he had maybe judged your talents as a dancer too harshly.

Your playful twirls excited grins and entertained light hearted chuckles from your audience, Hyunjin even going so far as to give you applause for your impromptu show.

"Okay, okay. Come here pretty girl so we can check that the feathers don't come off or it gets in the way." Changbin stood up his coat  black coat with the golden embellishments and lapels open over his white t shirt and he held out his hand for you to except. With a playful tug he pulled you into his chest where you giggled softly. Changbin held you in a couple of releve twirls before the two of you got serious as the two of you turned serious and he manoeuvred around the costume you to lift you as previously practiced.

Jealousy, it bubbled up inside of Yeonjun like a black sticky tar at the sight of you and one of his closest friends so comfortable with each other, in synchronization as if you two had known each other for years and not only two or three weeks.

This crush, or at least the acknowledgement was becoming dangerous. He was starting to fall back into his regular patterns, the ones he knew all to well. Looking for a specific head of hair in a crowd, a black zipped down leotard, eyes that burned with hellfire, without even thinking about it, second nature almost. He was on a downhill drop to being absolutely infatuated and this new version of you, free and happy it was only stoking the hearth in his heart. It wasn't helping his cause.

For once he felt like he'd lost to Changbin.

Be it because he knew you so well, or because he had the burden of being your partner or perhaps because he was the one to witness your joy or perhaps instigate it.

He'd never really been sure what incited your icy exterior and furious glares in his direction. He'd avoided you for most years  but now he was wondering if rather it was the other way around and why it was bothering him that you would.

He'd never considered himself to be narcissistic and yet, what would force you of all people to stay so far away from him? Few who weren't exes and even then few of those actively tried to avoid Yeonjun in the way he was quickly piecing together that you had. Finally it would seem you were in arms reach, not so far away. Changbin was his link to you now, he might just have a shot at pulling you closer, pulling you towards him, the same way you had started pulling him towards you.

The night had started off wild,with too many  beers and too many soju bottles littering the countertop of Wooyoungs apartment when the three of them left. That it was crazy getting more when they met up with a few other s but he didn't realize it would result in this.

"Yeonjun whats your deal man?" Wooyoung said bright smile and cheerful giggle following after as he slung an arm over his much taller friends shoulders and pulled him into a hug, never scared of affection but it was too much. It was a lot with the buzz and the loud music and the smoke filled air.

"I don't have a deal." Yeonjun grumbled but didn't even try to shove his friend off of him.

"He's just mad that my dance partner doesn't like him." Changbin said with a teasing lilt but that obnoxious little smirk was rubbing him wrong. This time he did shove Wooyoungs arm off of him as he stepped closer and peered down at Changbin, bare of the grin he'd previously worn. He wasn't tilting his head back to meet Yeonjuns stare no instead e simply looked up through his lashes his dark glare daring Yeonjun to  do what he so desperately wanted too, knowingly.

"Admit it, you're jealous." Changbin said softly the same smirk growing as he knew his words hit true to their mark. He could tell by the way Yeonjun stiffened.

"You can't have her, she doesn't want you." His words were barely a whisper but the way Yeonjuns anger was zeroing in on his friend, blocked out all other sounds, "And nothing you do will change her mind."

"Because she doesn't care and guess what? You aren't as fucking great as you think you are." Yeonjun shoved Changbin back and was ready to swing when someone pulled him back to no avail as he stepped closer to Changbin who promptly stopped him from landing any hits as he took a hold of his wrists before both of them were promptly ripped apart.

"Go cool off!" Wooyoung practically pushed Yeonjun into one of their other friends who was standing behind him as he pulled him away from Changbin who was steadied with a firm hand on Wooyoungs chest .

"Go!" Wooyoung voiced again, louder and Yeonjun ripped himself away as he shoved his way through the thick crowd.

This place had been playing tricks on his mind since he got here, what had brought Changbin to suggesting this place from their usual spots?

The energy was strange here, it was something other from just dancing in the air. No here, the thickness of lust and sex seemed to hang in the air. It was starting to make him act up in ways he never would've dreamed of.

Yeonjun swept the cold water over his face. This was outrageous he'd never even thought of picking a fight with Changbin at least not physically.  He breathed out sigh before sweeping the damp black tresses and back out of his face he straightened only to be met by the sight of you. He must be really drunk to be hallucinating now. He blinked hard and realized that it wasn't a hallucination. A bright yellow fish darted across his vision and his brain caught up with his vision. The men's room was separated from the women's by a bright fish tank, one that stretched its length glowing bright and filled with an array of both large and small colourful fish.

You haven't noticed him, eyes trained on the small compact in your hand as you reapplied the lipstick shade you had selected to wear for the evening.

It wasn't love at first sight. No, he'd seen you before, on numerous different occasions but now...

The sight of you sobered him up more than the cool water ever could, hair that was usually pulled back now framing your face, figure graced in a short white dress , with a generous neckline much like that leotard you favoured, the golden lighting above the individual sinks lighting up your skin made you glow.

It definitely wasn't love but something had changed, maybe it was him finally admitting his pining for you.

Your eyes caught his as soon as you snapped the compact shut, not a hint of surprise dawning on your features.

Instead you hold his stare as you put everything back into your small clutch a ghost of a smile on your face as you step back from the glass and walk away, only breaking the silent battle when the door hides your figure.

Yeonjun darts out of the bathroom and immediately seeks the figment of his imagination his head must of conjured because it was impossible, that you'd appear here, in the midst of all his way to high strung out emotions. He caught a glance of your figure sashaying through the crowds that seemed to move aside at the meer sense of your presence, everyone making space for you as you pass, to afraid to even graze themselves against you. Yeonjun squeezes through the gyrating figures,  tall long body squeezed out and pushed out of the way, his idea to follow in your wake becoming exceptionally difficult with each surge of the bass and bright flare of  light. White strobes creating stop motion images of the people dancing around him.

As he finally escapes the dancefloor he spots your figure leaning up against the bar, Changbin leaning over it as he whispers something in your ear that tempts a beautiful grin to your lips. Yeonjun immediately pushes away the ugly head of anger that threatened to instigate another fight and plastered on a smirk before sliding in beside the pair of you.

It was strange seeing him through the fish tank damp black strands hanging over his heavy lidded eyes and pouty lips parted aghast. You'd never seen him in anything other than sweats or dance clothes, you would be lying if you didn't say the white muscle tank didn't look good on him, long lean arms, toned enough that as he leaned against the sink you could see the way the muscles in his shoulders moved and now you could see he had paired it with some black jeans that came up high enough to accentuate  his enviably tiny waist.

"Changbin, sorry for interrupting but I'd like to invite Y/N to the dancefloor?" His eyes stayed glued to your face and you dared a glance towards Changbins whos dark analytical gaze encouraged you to play the game.

"And why would I dance with you?" You tease, acting coy as you fiddle a strand of hair around your index finger he bites as he leans closer with his hands tucked into his pockets.

"Well I don't believe we've ever had the pleasure of being partners and well it might be best in a space you'd be comfortable." He leans back with a grin one that so obviously says he's proud of his little insult.

"Is that so?" You barely keep the snappiness out of your tone as you glare him down. Yeonjun tries to suppress the chills the look is giving him. You hand your purse over to Changbin and walk past him a shove at his shoulder, your heels making you tall enough to dare the push without it seeming pathetic. Yeonjun chuckles incredulous before turning on his heels to catch up with your long strides, by the time he's close enough to reach you he realizes you've managed to find people that seem to be your own friends judging by their friendly smiles and the way they made space for you the song the DJ was currently playing resembled dance hall and all though he was aware that his mind severely undersold your dancing abilities he wasn't expecting the sight in front of him. With not a single care for the shortness of the dress or the vulgarity of the moves your hips seemed to lead your body in a seductive rhythm that had Yeonjun staring even if he was sure it was inappropriately. Every time you caught his eyes, your grin told him he'd lost. He didn't even stand a chance to start with. He would've had better luck in the dance studio.

It felt good, a different kind of thrill. Shutting him up even if it was for just a little while, especially after you heard what his opinion was of your dancing ability.

He trailed you back to the bar and with a defeated smile watched you order a drink.

"I have severely underestimated you, I apologize." Yeonjun says with that same small grin and a shake of his head and you beam.

"Apology accepted." You chuckle and brush your hair out of your face as you watch him.

"I really messed up." Yeonjun bites down on his bottom lip and you force your eyes away from his plump pouty lips to his eyes.

"Yes you did." You agree and he chuckles brightly and loudly.

"I meant," He steps closer, leaning down lips brushing up against your ear as he lowers his voice,"If I had just been honest with myself, you might have been doing those moves on me." He pulls back and your head is a whirlwind of thoughts. Honest with himself?  What was that supposed to mean? Either way it didn't matter, your stomach and well other parts of your body were fluttering dangerously at the implications of his words. Your drink arrives and so does Changbin who saddles up to your side comfortably, his arm wrapping around your waist and you let him so you can lean into his strong body and take some pressure of your feet in their heels. Yeonjuns gaze darkens.

"I'm happy we came, this place is way cooler than the uptight clubs we always go to." Changbin announces and Yeonjuns brow dips, he didn't think this place was all that great but judging by the sweat that was dotting his friends forehead, the music and his chosen partners were the reasons behind his high praise.

Your butterflies still hadn't calmed and the alcohol made you dare the chance.

"You finally ready to be my dance partner properly?" You shoot a grin in Yeonjuns direction, one he missed because he was busy staring at Changbins arm around your waist.

"Yeonjun?" You call and it finally seems to click you were talking to him.

"Of course." He dares a grin and bows slightly as he offers his hand formally, you scoff and with a roll of your eyes take the hand offered. He laces his fingers through yours and pulls you away from Changbin's grip only letting go to hold your hands up so you could spin.

One thing you realized,  Yeonjun was a sore loser. He'd stepped into your space as the songs continued to switch through the mix list, this only resulted in him proving his own ability to follow a beat in time with your movements. Pressed closer together the air only got stickier, and you could feel the cold drops of sweat running down your spine as time was lost to you and apparently all form of  rational thought too. It was only when a tender but heavy kiss found the back of your neck that you realized, you were dancing with the enemy in a way that could possibly have you arrested for public indecency. You took a step away and turned steeling your gaze so you didn't look like the deer in headlights you had suddenly become.

Because as much as shutting Yeonjun up was fun this was making you want to find out if there was other ways to have fun with him, you couldn't promise yourself you wouldn't end up in a more compromising position with him and that was definitely not the plan. You eye him for a moment his surprised expression, hair hangning in his eyes or matted against his forehead, in a similar manner to how the white tank was sticking to his chest hand reaching out to grab your hand again. You press past a couple and dissapear back to the bathroom.

So this was how people got swept up in the hurricane Yeonjun was. Distracted by the pretty lashes, sharp eyes that devoured you whole and those terribly soft lips. Ghosts of his fingers ran over your body, everywhere he had dared to touch so surely, the spot on the back of your neck burning at the memory of  the kisses weight. You dared a look into the floor length mirror parallel to the door you'd rushed through. He'd left you a mess, sticky with sweat and smudged mascara around your eyes, breathless and hair messy. You couldn't help but wonder what power it is he possessed to so easily dishevel your appearance.  You purposefully rub at the dark circles under your eyes and dare to pat some cold water to your neck to collect yourself before entering the fray again. It wasn't hard to find him, your body now drawing towards him like a magnet as if he was the sun, tugging you into his atmosphere, but the body plastered to him quickly stops you. Life had a lovely way of reminding you why you'd avoided the beauty, his gravitational pull always seemed to have room for more. With a scoff and a reality check you press your way towards the man that still had your bag. Changbin was stuck in a booth with some other friends your purse on the table in front, whomever he'd been dancing with earlier nowhere to be seen.

"I'm leaving." Changbin shoots up as you grab your purse.

"I'll come with you." He insists and just as you're ready to politely decline a voice interrupts.

"Y/N?" Yeonjun is beside you a hand on your shoulder, brows furrowed as if concerned but a quick peak over his shoulder makes you aware the guy he'd found wasn't hanging to far off . You shrug of his hand and fix your eyes on Changbin.

"That'd be great." Changbin follows after you, hand on the small of your back as the pair of you trail towards the exit leaving Yeonjun to watch after with an empty pang in his chest. He tried to will his feet to move after you but it didn't instead, he stood glued eyes following over the crowd as Changbin accompanied you out the door with his arm around your shoulder and you tucked into his side.

Yeonjun had been left to observe you from far away for the final week before the showcase, in passing when you came in to the studio with Changbin after his own practice slot. You didn't acknowledge his presence, instead focusing on the music or your practice tutu or your pointes instead of him.

But he chalked it down to you simply trying to focus on what was to come.

When he finally did get to see you it was minutes before your peformance, dressed in gold and red. Hair slicked back and a headband of red and gold feathers over it, even with the light from the stage you glowed, shimmered with beauty and charm as you warmed up, smiling at the stage hands that passed you. He came up beside you and for the first time in a week your eyes fell on him.

"YN, I just wanted to say goodluck and well I was wondering if when we could go dancing together again?" Yeonjun was leaning up against the bar you were busy stretching on.

You laugh soft enough to not bother the other performance but still full and hearty, Yeonjun raises a brow he hadn't said anything funny.

"Sorry its just, well you must be blind." Yeonjun takes a step back as he watches her lips quirk upwards. It was just the two of them and the stage hands, Changbin was in the other wing waiting for the curtains for the rendition of the dance of the snowflakes to end. No one to witness the mask that seemed to fall away from the beautifully painted face.

"You know at first I was jealous of you. Perfect, you. With the perfect scholarship, not that you need it because of your daddy. Then I was angry because how could you waste time like that and still be so good. Well now...", Firey eyes ringed with read eyeshadow and golden flakes, disdainfully drags over his figure from head to toe.

"Now I'm just disappointed."

"Yeonjun I hate you, but not because you ever even had the chance to break my heart because lets be honest I'm not half as dumb as you think." You stop stretching as you step closer towards him where he was now frozen in place.

"No, I hate you because you have everything,  all that you'd need to be the best but you're to distracted to ever reach your full potential."

"I don't need this, I'm a modern dancer, to contemporary for the genre anyway. I don't give a fuck about Jeong." Yeonjun sucks in a breath not at the crass words but rather the quotation of his own critique of your abilities, "... but you, you're her little prodigy and you have to do well, you have a scholarship and a family name that you need to maintain. My inability to be perfect means nothing. " You brush an invisible dust particle off his exposed shoulder before continuing.

"Your imperfections though, every single little mistake, every little misstep everyone out there will be looking for exactly that, they're waiting for your downfall and me?" You look up at him blazing eyes staring at him from behind bright red eyeshadow, "well, I'm praying for it."

Even if Yeonjun wasn't speechless he wouldn't have been able to actually retaliate because a 30 second call was made for your stage. Your grin didn't falter in fact it grew to the big stage smile every dancer wore while performing as you turned away from his figure as the pair on stage passed by you at the entrance of the wing you were waiting in.  The lights on the stage lit up as Changbin entered the stage, the black velveten coat and golden decorations glimmered under the light bright and bold, but it casted a bright glow around your figure, lighting up the red and gold feathers of your tutu in a warm light only growing brighter as you started your dance onto the stage. Yeonjun eyes were glued to you, the performance that of which was visible from where he stood taking his breath away. It might've been the lack of oxygen or perhaps it was shock, the fogginess that clouded the edges of his vision as his eyes followed the soft movements of your arms, the bounce of the tutu as you leaped through the air, even the arch of your spine as Changbin hoisted you up and over his head, held you in his arms time and time again as the battle of freedom between the firebird an he prince commenced. He saw the pretty picture of sorrow and torment as the Firebird fought to break free and the prince with his own battle of caging the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen in and ultimately be the cause of its death.  The longing on the prince's face as she disappears and leaves him with only a single mark of her, a red feather.

It's only then he feels the insistent tug of his partner at his arm, trying to pull him closer towards the exit of the wing for his own performance. Yeonjun tried to force himself to focus but his eyes landed on the pair a moment before walking onto the stage. Your body was being squeezed in a joyous hug, Changbin cheering silently as he spun you around, your own smile was bright, big and effervescent. Blinding just like the stage lights that obscured the audience, even the front row he knew was reserved for lecturers and special guests. He could only hear the blood rushing in his ears that's probably why he missed the first few counts. He was  behind now, muscle memory kicking in but never being enough to chase the fog far enough to catch up but only to make him more aware of the battle he was fighting to get back on beat. His body wouldn't let him, it was like there was a really strange weight keeping his legs and arms from moving right, but his head seemed to be floating, miles away from here.  Off in the wings where you had been smiling, happy in someone else's arms. Smiling as your lips move, your eyes on fire as his world falls apart a little, by little as you utter those words, those prayers , those hopes of imperfections  coming true with every note and every misstep and every delayed catch of his partners hand, he can feel it. The stuffy auditorium, how it was starting to suffocate him, the bitter taste of disappointment, of failure on the tip of his tongue as the shallow breaths passed over his dry lips and he inhaled the small particles of dust that everyone could see in the bright lights that was shining on every mistake he made.

As those curtains closed and the lack luster applause was still fuzzy to his ears, blood still rushing through it. He realized you'd wished his worse fears upon him, that they'd come true .

That those velveteen curtains blocking out the stage lights, was like the sun disappearing, that you'd burned so bright for the brief moment he'd set his sights on you. So bright he didn't realize how dark it would be when his downfall came.

[secondhandnewsradio]

SHN INTERVIEW: Sleep Walking Animals

by Claire Silverman

photo: Ryan Hall

Sleep Walking Animals, the indie-folk alternative rock band from Manchester, England, have just released their self-titled debut EP. Since SHN first interviewed the band at the start of the year, they have released two more singles, started playing live shows again as restrictions opened up, and have announced a co-headlining tour around the UK in October. At their EP launch gig at the Fiddler’s Elbow in Camden on the 20th of September, they performed their new music to a sold out crowd.

CS: Congrats on the EP coming out. When we spoke back in February, you mentioned your plans for the EP, so it’s very exciting that it’s here now. How are you all feeling?

Tom: Like it's about time.

Jack: “Angus’ Fool.” “Wild Folk,” and “Dance Laura Dance” are on the EP, so we started recording this EP in October 2019. So it's been a big process, and the EP is kind of about that process.

Tom: We didn't want to release things until we were happy with everything, because we did record enough songs back in 2019 to go on an EP. But in post [production], we were a little bit concerned that they weren't all up to the standard that we wanted. It was our first time in a studio together as well when we recorded those songs, so we needed to practice, we needed to get together more and get more experienced in the studio. Then we ended up going up to Stockport and using a studio called Green Velvet Studios and we laid down five tracks, three of which are on the EP.

Jack: So, yes, excited.

photo: Ryan Hall

CS: Is there an overarching theme across the EP?

Tom: It feels like it's very much about things that have happened to us in the time it took to put the EP together, and things that have inspired us enough to write about, you know, various introductions to people, to new experiences, illnesses, life events that sparked something within us to try to make a good song out of.

Jack: The whole EP spans across when we started the band in 2018 right up to now, so a lot of the songs are about growth and change. But the songs are about our growth musically as well, which is a nice kind of coincidence.

Tom: “Angus’ Fool” was the first song we ever wrote together, so the EP spans from our first song together to things we were writing in lockdown. So like Jack said it’s a span of two and a half years.

Alex: “Native” was written after we played Farm Fest [this summer].

CS: So now that you have more music out and have started to establish your sound, how did you figure out what genre of music you wanted to make?

Alex: It's funny, you just mentioned “Native” and I think that was the point that pushed us to fatten up the sound a little bit. I mean, the style of the song made us realize that we can push it a little bit more. And we have a few like one recorded songs, which are definitely a lot more rock-y.

Tom: We're inspired by all sorts of different bands as well. And, you hear it said a lot but a lot of great artists steal from other great artists and that's how they become great, so we're taking influences from people that we all listen to. So this is why it's hard whenever anybody asks “so what kind of genre of music do you play?” I can never really answer that because it’s changing all the time.

Jack: But I was saying to Bill the other day, (he's not officially in the band yet but he kind of is. He's the drummer who played with us on Monday) we've never really spoken about what genre we want to write. We didn't speak about influences, particularly.

Tom: We're just going with ideas. We all have our own little pockets of interest that we bring to the table and I think that’s what makes out sound quite unique

Alex: When someone brings something and then all of a sudden there's so many layers on top of it, which are coming from all kinds of different directions. And it's just hard to put your finger on what it actually is. But it's cool and we like it.

photo: Ryan Hall

CS: It seems as though COVID restrictions are kind of mostly lifted here in England. At least, concerts are happening again. What's that been like, through the pandemic till now, and being able to play live shows again?

Tom: It’s been a massive relief, really, it means that we can get out there and get some gigging experience, start playing our stuff live. It's a completely different beast to be in the studio, it’s a completely different skill to have. And the more we do it, the more we’ll improve, and the more people will respond well to our gigs. There is such a massive impact from a live gig that you don't get from sitting down and putting your headphones in and listening to the Spotify track. You get the performance, you get the live engagement with music, and with the people on stage. That's just palpable.

CS: Since you're all performers, you're all actors, how do you think your other stage experience impacts your music?

Jack: That's an interesting one. Because I think the three of us are definitely coming out of acting and want to follow music, solely. Obviously, Tom, you both really well. [Laughter] And Nuwan’s also still following both. It's just something that when we are playing live, and it's going well, and there aren’t any technical issues, that we can just give ourselves completely to that moment. And I think that's easier for someone who has trained to do that, which is kind of what we did at drama school, I guess, to give yourself to the moment,

Tom: Yeah, there are great artists and performers, actors, musicians who haven't haven't gone through a formal training process. I think it's actually more important than training. Personally, I find the two things very different, being onstage as a member of Sleep Walking Animals and being on stage or on screen and being an actor in a role. I think the only similarity for me really, is the fact that when we go on stage as Sleep Walking Animals, I feel myself put on a character. I'm not Tom, I’m whatever else that is.

Jack: John. [Laughter]

Tom: I think we all do that whether we realize it or not. Because we'd be crippled with anxiety and insecurity and all the other horrid things that sort of flood into you when you're onstage performing in any way, you know, those don't happen or they sort of diminish if you put on that guise. So I guess that helps in that sort of transition.

photo: Claire Silverman

CS: You mentioned Farm Fest a bit earlier. What was it and how did it come about? And how was it?

Tom: So Farm Fest is a new, upstart festival that myself and my girlfriend Lottie host and organized. It's on her childhood farm and it's something that Lottie had wanted to do for a long time, to use that land to provide a space for a festival, entertainment, camping. We started it a couple years ago. There was that little bit of time between lockdowns where we got a weird freedom in the summer of 2020 and people felt like it had kind of gone away. Luckily, we all collectively know a bunch of musicians and comedians. It started small and then this year, we did it again. We charged a bit more money for tickets, and we are getting bigger and better. It feels like it's sort of gaining a bit of momentum. And it was the highlight of our year, we got to perform on a mainstage with a great sound set up. For us it was a big crowd to play to who all knew the songs and were singing along. It felt like a real festival, right.

CS: You guys are pretty active on social media, at least on the Sleep Walking Animals account. You guys don't always take things super seriously, which I like. What’s your approach to using social media? What do you think of it?

Jack: I wish we didn't have to. I think we probably all do realize the importance of it because Instagram is pretty much the only way of promoting anything, which is so fucking sad. Yeah. And I thought today, because Joe and I are reading a book about Joy Division and the start of the punk scene stuff, and they didn't even have t-shirts, because they wanted to stick it to the man and that kind of thing. But you just can't do that now. It's just like times have changed and there’s so many bands and so many artists that you have to be on it. Like, it will only be a matter of time before we go on to TikTok.

Tom: As an unsigned band without management or label yet, you know, we're left to do it on our own. Like Jack said, it's our only way of letting people know about our music. We might as well try and enjoy it if we've got to do it.

photo: Ryan Hall

CS: Now that the EP is out, what are your future plans for the band?

Tom: World domination?

Joe: Recording.

Tom: Yeah, more tunes. We've got quite a few unrecorded ones. Keep doing what we're doing, really, following the footsteps of the people and bands and artists who have inspired us. Just keep going with it and see what happens. We're not putting immense amounts of pressure on ourselves. We do it because we love it. We do it because we think our music is worth pursuing. Yeah. Just see where the wind takes us.

CS: And you've got a tour coming up in October.

Jack: Yeah, a UK tour. It’s a co-headlining tour with Polary and My Pet Fauxes. So we're playing in different cities and we're all sharing the headlines slot and supporting each other at the different venues.

Tom: The 17th of October we're playing Leeds at Oporto, then on the 18th at Dublin Castle in London, the 19th we’re in Bristol at Crofters Rights and then the 20th at Night & Day in Manchester.

CS: Good luck for those shows and again, congratulations on releasing your debut EP.

This interview has been lightly edited for clarity and length.

Listen to Sleep Walking Animals’ debut EP here

Follow the band on Instagram Twitter Spotify YouTube 

sleepwalkinganimals.com

[secondhandnewsradio]

SHN INTERVIEW: Mia Giovina

by Claire Silverman

Originally from New Jersey, 20-year-old singer-songwriter Mia Giovina is taking the internet by storm! Using her platform to share her message and incredible vocals, Mia is dedicated to having her music create a safe space for listeners everywhere. In March, Mia released her debut single "Sirens" and recently released her second single "Time Machine,” both of which have been featured in SHN playlists and on the air.

CS: Hi Mia! I just wanted to start off by saying I think you're really killing it, and I've been loving the music you've been putting out.

MG: Thank you.

CS: So how did you get started in music? How did you know that this was the direction you wanted to go?

MG: As cheesy as it sounds, music has always been something that I love, and I knew I wanted to do it as a career. My freshman year of high school was really when I started to take it seriously. I started performing at coffee shops and writing my own music, and I taught myself piano and guitar. After high school, I decided to do music full time instead of going into college. I'm very lucky that I get to do music full time now and I wouldn't have it any other way.

CS: I think it's amazing that you're going down a different path than the people around you at school. I always love hearing about people who are pursuing their art and are thriving. I'm happy for you that it’s working out. Earlier in the year, you released your first single “Sirens” and went from posting covers on Instagram to having original music out for everyone to listen to. What was your process like for writing that song and choosing it to be your first release?

MG: When I first connected with my manager, Tori, in the summer of last year, one of the first conversations we had was “when is original music going to come out?” I didn't have anything I wanted to put out yet. I didn't want to write or create or put out a song just to do it because I had this platform now. When I wrote “Sirens,” and I posted it on TikTok, so many people seemed to resonate with it and love it. It all felt like it happened at the perfect time. Something I've learned so far through my career is to trust your intuition and instincts, which was definitely the situation with “Sirens.” I faced a lot of bumps in the road during the production of this song, which looking back makes more sense because this was my first song ever. Everything that could have possibly gone wrong went wrong, but eventually, we finished the song and it turned out to be everything I could have dreamed up and more.

photo: Tori Sokalski

CS: Well, it’s a great song and I’m glad you got there in the end. Your other song that you have out now is “Time Machine,” which I absolutely love. It's stuck in my head all the time. Was the writing and production experience a bit different than your first song? 

MG: Yeah, definitely. I think in comparison to the release of “Sirens,” “Time Machine” was just a piece of cake. I got to work with this band called Sleeping Lion with Nate and Noah. They reached out to me and originally we were actually working on a different song. Basically right after I wrote “Time Machine,” I sent them the voice memo. It was very different, getting to work with producers that are super collaborative and reliable. It took a little bit of pressure off my shoulders. I think with “Time Machine”  in general, from the writing of the song to the production to the cover art and release, everything kind of fell into place, which was a super refreshing feeling after “Sirens.”

CS: I love the cover art for “Time Machine.” Who made it? What was the artistic connection to the song?

MG: I reached out to one of my good friends, Missy Pavorsky. I had this idea that I wanted the cover art to be me looking into a mirror and have the reflection be a picture of my younger self. I took some self-timer pictures to try to get an idea of what I wanted it to look like. Missy is a photographer and she came over, and we tried a couple different ways of taking the photo. It was a really collaborative process, and like I said before, even with the cover art, everything just fell into place, which was really cool.

CS: You said earlier that you've kind of been doing music your whole life. Who are your musical influences? Do you have a singer or band that you think has influenced you the most?

MG: Yeah, I think that Taylor Swift has always been my biggest influence. Lyrically and sonically she's so smart. She's definitely been my biggest influence since I was about six years old. I also started listening to Phoebe Bridgers and Lizzie McAlpine probably a little over a year ago and I think that they really changed the game for me, songwriting-wise. I also love Harry Styles, I think he kind of changed the way I look at and create music, because he is somebody who doesn't necessarily keep himself in a box, in terms of genre. I think that that's what I try to do now, even if it's just like posting something on TikTok. I try to share music with the world because I'm passionate about it, and I'm proud of it, not because I think it'll get a lot of streams or a lot of views.

CS: Nice. Some of my absolute favorites as well. You’ve mentioned TikTok a bit, and I know that’s been a pretty big resource for you and your career. What do you think about TikTok? And what has TikTok done for you in terms of your music career?

MG: I talk about this with other musicians and my manager all the time. I think TikTok completely runs the music industry right now. If a song is going viral on TikTok, it's most likely going to be climbing the charts, which is so crazy. So it's definitely like a machine. I have to give TikTok a lot of the credit for where I am today. I probably wouldn't be sitting here doing this interview if it weren't for TikTok. The platform has opened so many doors for me and connected me with so many amazing musicians and connected me with my manager, Tori, and has given me such a great platform and amazing supporters. Sometimes I have to step away from the app, though. I think that because the app is so powerful, sometimes you can get really caught up in the super unhealthy cycle of chasing views or a viral video. That is a really dangerous thing to do to yourself mentally, especially for a musician. I think it's really important that you share music for yourself first, and for the viewer second. I think that once I start chasing views and followers, it doesn't feel as fulfilling for me. So yeah, there's definitely a love/hate relationship with TikTok. It's amazing and powerful, but it's definitely a little bit dangerous.

photo: Tori Sokalski

CS: I totally agree with everything you just said. I’m curious, what music have you been listening to recently?

MG: I just recently made a new playlist with the songs that I'm going to be listening to for the next few months. Right now I'm really loving Catie Turner's EP Heartbroken and Milking It, it's so good. Every single song on the EP is incredible.

CS: Now one last question, do you have any news you can share of any exciting things coming up in the near future?

MG: I'm gonna be starting work on my third single very soon. I have no idea when it will be released. But I am going to start working on it soon. So I'm very excited for that.

CS: I'm excited to hear it when it comes out! Thank you so much for sitting down with me today to chat about your music. I'm really excited to see what you do next in the industry.

MG: Thank you so much!

Listen to Time Machine here 

Follow Mia Giovina on Instagram Twitter Spotify TikTok