#and crushed by fatigued

[thesoftestmess]

this might not be canon, but personally i need furina to struggle a whole lot longer and harder with post-prophecy depression and mental illness. She's played the same tiring and painful act for five centuries, was constantly in a life or death scenario and had to hide her true self from the world the entire time and she won't just recover in a few years from that.

There's parts of her that will never ever be compatible with a simple human lifestyle, and parts of her that are irreparably broken. She isn't sure of her personality after everything that happened and the lie she had to live. She slips between personas and her archon temperament comes through like a defensive mechanism at any sign of conflict or trouble.

She's plagued by nightmares. Of the flood, of the trial, of the people closest to her conspiring against her behind her back, and of being found out in a million terrible ways. Of saying the wrong thing, making a wrong decision. Of being found out, of being found out, of being found out.

Lying or keeping a secret feels existential still. Being honest still feels life threatening sometimes. Putting herself first feels like putting both hands on a hot stove.

She doesn't live in the palais anymore, doesn't have to sit through trials anymore, but her heart and soul are still there. In her dreams she's still at the place she spent her entire life's memories at.

Yes, she can make new memories, but it'll take time. More time than she has, maybe, now that she's the closest to being human she'll ever be.

She'll never be human in the way the people around her are.

What sort of human has 500 years worth of memories after all? What human tells personal anecdotes and mixes up their centuries?

What sort of human can feel the absence of their divinity like it's a physical thing? A voice that will never speak to her again, or keep her alive? What human has no family, no childhood?

What human remembers so little, but still remembers death somewhere deep within?

She jerks out of sleep from it sometimes, gasping for air, and spends the rest of the night awake, almost frozen by fear. The flood is over, but it's hard to convince her racing heart that the danger is too.

Humans have entire family trees that go generations back, but Furina was put into this world a solitary creature, her blood heavy with sin ever since she turned human.

She owns a hydro vision now and doesn't know how to yield it, but the ocean still calls out to her some days. Sea creatures flock to her like they can smell she's not human enough.

She learns how to make little hydro companions for herself, so the darkness and emptiness of her apartment feels less ominous when she lies awake at night.

She can't turn her vision into a weapon quite yet, but when it rains the droplets seem to cling to her. She's watched them roll upwards along her arm, watched them gather in her palm like kin. She wonders if sea creatures flock to neuvillette in a similar way, or if his immense power makes them recoil. She wonders if elemental dragons can feel regret. Wonders if he, too, ever feels entirely foreign in that human body he was given. If he, too, lies awake trying to grasp faint memories of a past life.

She's extremely human in the way she's plagued by body pains from not being able to relax just one day in five centuries. The years catch up with her once she gets out of survival mode, and fatigue is a constant companion now. Sleep comes difficultly and getting out of bed was easier when the fate of a whole nation depended on it. On her. She's never lived for just herself before and some days she's not sure she wants to.

She did her duty and earned her retirement and the story turned out well, all things considered. She still has people by her side, some of them.

Still, she feels raw and tired and overwhelmed by the life lying ahead of her. As a human and as someone who will always be Something Else.

[fella-lovin-fella]

hey if you ever feel like you're faking your pain/mental illness/any symptoms, or if you feel like no one understands or believes you. i do. i believe you. i love you and i hope you do what you can to take care of yourself <3

[countingfailuresnotstars]

every time that I think about the fact that for "normal people" normal level pain is zero pain I'm shocked, how is that even possible

[gumy-shark]

fuck did that pumpkin seed muffin neutralize my adhd meds. if im allergic to it i will cry

[semiotomatics]

lol. i think ive reached my limit.

[callingauguste]

Having chronic fatigue syndrome and fibro is so weird.

Cause wtf do you mean I’m so tired I can’t move or think. BUT when I do fall asleep, I can’t sleep a full REM cycle so then I’m just in more pain.

AND THEN on top of that I’m at risk for sleep paralysis??? Like what?? Why don’t you just fix yourself??? Sleep normally pookie wookie please???

(I know that’s not possible, but it is funny).

God help me…

[delirious-donna]

It makes me so beyond happy to see people enjoying Higuruma content. 😭 He deserves soooo much more.

[whentherewerebicycles]

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[fireheartedpup]

I thought I could ask my grandma for help and she asked why I don't have a job 🥲

[powerfulkicks]

fatigue is one of the worst feelings in the world because you want so so badly to do something, ANYTHING, but you can barely manage to get out of bed and it doesn't even look like you're trying when you're trying SO HARD to do what you used to be able to do....

[geraskier]

overdid it yesterday i think. i feel spaced out and so hungry that my stomach is cramping but ive been eating.

[capricioussun]

Anyone else feeling strangled by the grief of knowing they'll never make everything they want to due to the constraints of time and the human body lately?

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

hit 5k in BODY BACK today :)

[zevrans-remade]

.

[cesium-sheep]

my lungs feel worse than they did yesterday and I don't have a prednisone dose today to counterbalance it. a christmas catalog arrived in the mail. forget surviving to see another streetlight concert, surviving to see christmas is starting to feel ambitious.

[whentherewerebicycles]

me googling “is wanting to lie in bed or on the sofa all day a pregnancy symptom” and then adding “but what if you kinda already did that all the time before”