#and crushed by fatigued
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this might not be canon, but personally i need furina to struggle a whole lot longer and harder with post-prophecy depression and mental illness. She's played the same tiring and painful act for five centuries, was constantly in a life or death scenario and had to hide her true self from the world the entire time and she won't just recover in a few years from that.
There's parts of her that will never ever be compatible with a simple human lifestyle, and parts of her that are irreparably broken. She isn't sure of her personality after everything that happened and the lie she had to live. She slips between personas and her archon temperament comes through like a defensive mechanism at any sign of conflict or trouble.
She's plagued by nightmares. Of the flood, of the trial, of the people closest to her conspiring against her behind her back, and of being found out in a million terrible ways. Of saying the wrong thing, making a wrong decision. Of being found out, of being found out, of being found out.
Lying or keeping a secret feels existential still. Being honest still feels life threatening sometimes. Putting herself first feels like putting both hands on a hot stove.
She doesn't live in the palais anymore, doesn't have to sit through trials anymore, but her heart and soul are still there. In her dreams she's still at the place she spent her entire life's memories at.
Yes, she can make new memories, but it'll take time. More time than she has, maybe, now that she's the closest to being human she'll ever be.
She'll never be human in the way the people around her are.
What sort of human has 500 years worth of memories after all? What human tells personal anecdotes and mixes up their centuries?
What sort of human can feel the absence of their divinity like it's a physical thing? A voice that will never speak to her again, or keep her alive? What human has no family, no childhood?
What human remembers so little, but still remembers death somewhere deep within?
She jerks out of sleep from it sometimes, gasping for air, and spends the rest of the night awake, almost frozen by fear. The flood is over, but it's hard to convince her racing heart that the danger is too.
Humans have entire family trees that go generations back, but Furina was put into this world a solitary creature, her blood heavy with sin ever since she turned human.
She owns a hydro vision now and doesn't know how to yield it, but the ocean still calls out to her some days. Sea creatures flock to her like they can smell she's not human enough.
She learns how to make little hydro companions for herself, so the darkness and emptiness of her apartment feels less ominous when she lies awake at night.
She can't turn her vision into a weapon quite yet, but when it rains the droplets seem to cling to her. She's watched them roll upwards along her arm, watched them gather in her palm like kin. She wonders if sea creatures flock to neuvillette in a similar way, or if his immense power makes them recoil. She wonders if elemental dragons can feel regret. Wonders if he, too, ever feels entirely foreign in that human body he was given. If he, too, lies awake trying to grasp faint memories of a past life.
She's extremely human in the way she's plagued by body pains from not being able to relax just one day in five centuries. The years catch up with her once she gets out of survival mode, and fatigue is a constant companion now. Sleep comes difficultly and getting out of bed was easier when the fate of a whole nation depended on it. On her. She's never lived for just herself before and some days she's not sure she wants to.
She did her duty and earned her retirement and the story turned out well, all things considered. She still has people by her side, some of them.
Still, she feels raw and tired and overwhelmed by the life lying ahead of her. As a human and as someone who will always be Something Else.
#you can have your perfectly competent fully healed hyper independent furina#if i can have my mess of a person multiply-disordered and trying her best furina#like i'm sorry but this babygirl can fit sooooo much ptsd and depression and personality disorder into her#that's a girl with lifelong chronic pain from not being allowed to relax for a day in five centuries#that's a girl who needs a teeth protector at night because she'd grind he#*them into a fine powder from all the tension she still holds#that's someone who gets so low so suddenly and loes all her joy in the matter of minutes#that's someone who wants to catch up on a lifetime of being human but is bone-deep exhausted#and crushed by fatigued#my disability beam went all over her like neuv's water gun#now she's sopping wet and shivering i'm sorry#genshin impact#furina#fari talks fic
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hey if you ever feel like you're faking your pain/mental illness/any symptoms, or if you feel like no one understands or believes you. i do. i believe you. i love you and i hope you do what you can to take care of yourself <3
#i spent so so much of my life in pain or sick#and being told i was faking it#or being dramatic#or just acting out for attention#and it's crushing#but being around people who genuinely care about me#and them BELIEVING me#it's such a foreign feeling#but it's life saving#i believe you#thank you for believing me#mental health#mental health awareness#chronic illness#chronic pain#chronic fatigue#chronically ill#mental health positivity#positivity#not mlm#dantes talking again
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every time that I think about the fact that for "normal people" normal level pain is zero pain I'm shocked, how is that even possible
#back like in march my friend made me realise that people dont get up every morning and they are as tired as they haven't slept#i haven't been the same ever since#im in a literal costant of body pain and brain fog#and i have a high fomo#so i try to keep up with everyone else#until i literally crush#lmao#also ive started to get migraines again so im truly having an amazing time#shut up cec#chronic pain#chronic illness#chronic fatigue
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fuck did that pumpkin seed muffin neutralize my adhd meds. if im allergic to it i will cry
#IT WAS SO GOOD#pumpkin cream cheese muffin with crushed pumpkin seeds on top i love you#but also i have mild nut allergies that have shown to neutralize my adhd meds in the past#and my sudden fatigue + lack of motivation and focus lines up to abt 10 minutes after i ate the muffin#which is the same timeframe as it took for a pbj to do the same thing a few months ago
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lol. i think ive reached my limit.
#i just cannot take this torture anymore#ive been at the mercy of this horrible disease for over half my life now#imagine living knowing that roughly every 3.5 weeks youre going to experience the most excruciating pain of your life#along with crushing. usually suicidal depression. and such extreme fatigue and exhaustion that you easily sleep for 14+ hours a DAY#AND ITS ALL FOR FUCKING *NOTHING*#there is literally ZERO benefit or reason for me to be experiencing this#it is 100% extraneous#and even if you go to a dr and try to get treatment their only recommendation is 1) pain killers and/or 2) birth control#which both come with their own fucking share of unpleasant side effects#not to mention theyre not even 100% effective at stopping the problem in the first FUCKING place#and imagine even tho you have this DEBILITATING DISORDER society at large has decided it straight up DOESNT EXIST#to the point where REAL ACTUAL MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS will dismiss your symptoms#not to mention people in your life who dont understand or just straight up dont believe your disorder is real#good luck keeping a job or any other major commitments#considering you'll either be out of commission for like. 1 out of ever 4 weeks#or youll have to work/whatever WHILE experiencing said excruciating pain/crushing depression/debilitating exhaustion#not to mention the GI issues and the migraines and the brain fog and the fucking. full body aches#wanna go to a concert? or plan a vacation? or just. fucking. RELAX? you better hope its not during Hell Week or youre outta luck#and youve got roughly 30-40 YEARS of this to look forward to#maybe less IF YOURE LUCKY#im fucking over it#i cant take it anymore#im making an appt to see a dr and i WILL NOT LEAVE THEIR OFFICE until they have referred me to whoever i have to talk to to make this stop#my fucking fury at having to live like this has officially outweighed my fear of invasive procedures/recovery time/side effects#let along the torture that is navigating the medical care system as an AFAB#i just. i cant do this anymore.#i want to fucking LIVE#fuck
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Having chronic fatigue syndrome and fibro is so weird.
Cause wtf do you mean I’m so tired I can’t move or think. BUT when I do fall asleep, I can’t sleep a full REM cycle so then I’m just in more pain.
AND THEN on top of that I’m at risk for sleep paralysis??? Like what?? Why don’t you just fix yourself??? Sleep normally pookie wookie please???
(I know that’s not possible, but it is funny).
God help me…
#fibromyalgia#chronically ill#chronic pain#chronic fatigue#cfs#pots#chronically fatigued#extreme fatigue#I’m just a sleep guy#but I’m not really sleepy#it’s more like bone crushing tired#hehehe#coping skills#coping with humor#i need sleep#im not sleeping#sleep paralysis
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It makes me so beyond happy to see people enjoying Higuruma content. 😭 He deserves soooo much more.
#whispers into the void#safe to say that I might have a little crush (infatuation) with the fatigued lawyer#oh hiromi… the man you are
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I thought I could ask my grandma for help and she asked why I don't have a job 🥲
#she got a job offer before she left the college grounds and worked until she met papaw#he provided for her for the rest of her life#my uncle doesn't have a job either#he's used her money to get a cybertruck a vr headset a ps5 and a new chair#because he just has to have a new chair to put his feet up#can't use the other chair that has an ottoman right next to it#the chair is $500#she said that's practically nothing for a chair#I'm tired of complaining and i want to support myself#I'm so tired it's hard to get anything done#i don't want to see the doctor because it costs money and i don't want to be dismissed again#she says my sister doesn't call her and like. yeah. she's supported racism and my sister dates black men#i regret not talking to papaw again before he died so I'm still trying to talk to her#but man#it's hard#she has basically no concept of the world we live in anymore and gets most of her info from my conservative uncle and fox news#at a certain point. if it's going to make me cry. it's not worth it.#i feel like I'm trying so hard and not at all at the same time#i feel like I'm just complaining and not making anything better for myself so i just.... stopped talking to everyone I've been talking to#at the same time#'you can work' i am at a point where i cannot be awake for more than two hours without experience crushing fatigue#personal
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fatigue is one of the worst feelings in the world because you want so so badly to do something, ANYTHING, but you can barely manage to get out of bed and it doesn't even look like you're trying when you're trying SO HARD to do what you used to be able to do....
#sitting upright drains me of energy#i feel like i'm sick#it might be my depression or it might be another symptom#like i've been fatigued but i could push past it#now i just can't#i can't do it#even if i try super hard#and that's crushing#i've always been told to just keep going#keep trying#i've always thought i could just keep going no matter what happened#no matter how tired i got i could push myself to go further#but for some reason it's not working#and that's frustrating
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overdid it yesterday i think. i feel spaced out and so hungry that my stomach is cramping but ive been eating.
#just ate chips + bean burrito + boiled egg + salami + cheese and my stomach is still growling#and a protein bar.#its actively disturbing how i never feel full#newt needs a text post tag#newt's medical posting#also idk ive had this persistent headache thats either dehydration or lingering symptoms from getting kicked in the head at work#and the crushing fatigue as always
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Anyone else feeling strangled by the grief of knowing they'll never make everything they want to due to the constraints of time and the human body lately?
#havijg an incrscibly normal day today#constantly feeling crushed by the never ending onslaught of ideas how does everyone else cope with this I always feel like im drowning#need to get faster and better immediately but the problem is I have to start slow and bad you understand#NEED to do more real practice#also think that burn out and fatigue playing tennis with my psyche for the past six years is probably not helping#wait actually that reminded me I have to make another appointment today thabks tumblr tags for remidninf me#I AM okay just stressed and tired hope everyone else is okay also#and if not I hope you feel okay soon then#sunny with clouds
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me googling “is wanting to lie in bed or on the sofa all day a pregnancy symptom” and then adding “but what if you kinda already did that all the time before”
#i have no insight into the workings of my own body#i don’t feel crushing fatigue I just feel like I’m draggingggggg#like just moving slow and having a hard time getting going#IUI tag
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I am miserable, but I'm pretty sure it's "just" a flare + allergies. I tested negative for covid, and I didn't really think I was sick-sick, but I wanted to check just in case. I mean, I guess I could still have a cold that isn't covid, but I don't think so.
Anyway. Cross your fingers for me because I want soup but I'm not capable of making any from scratch (spoon debt and I don't have ingredients), so I'm hoping I have something besides a can of some creamy variety.
#also cross your fingers i can stand long enough to microwave that shit of i do find a can that's acceptable 😭#between the ever increasing pain and the fatigue that feels like I'm being pulled/crushed down I'm struggling to be upright#am still hoping my books arrive today but i doubt it's happening
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hit 5k in BODY BACK today :)
#i also received a ring i bought for myself to commemorate finishing SV in the mail#so today's been a good day#except for the fact that it started out so bad???#my body is trying to kill me???#like ma'am???#I (my brain)#gave you HARRISON and you give me#chronic neck pain and soul crushing fatigue????#seems ungrateful <3#anyway so usually i don't do shit when I finish a book#but with my Adult money I said ok fine#it's perfect it's bird man core lmao#pathetic lonan ring <3#that also is giving me... gendery peace <3#wrote approx like 120 words in BB and called it a day#went on an hour walk#productivity queen <3#ALSO ALSO if you're reading this#new video tomorrow that is moth work core#so watch it!!!!#idk what the smiley face is in this post btw no one should be smiling#5k in and NO INCITING INCIDENT TO BE SEEN#this is gonna end up a novel harrison i stg i'll never forgive u#maybe if he shut up more we'd be at idk#the PLOT by now
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#i had such a bad night i woke up somewhere around 10 times throughout the night#and if i wake up even once a night i wake up feeling crushed and very fatigued#my head hurts i think this restlessness came from the unsuccessfull job interview yesterday#they made me feel like i am 99% being employed after the 1st interview wasted 2 weeks of my time#and their boss talked to me like 5 mins very rudely question that could've been asked first time when i was called and not waste the time#and she told me go get magister's degree if i ever want to proceed where i want to like..#that was said cery rudely and inappropriately like wtf do you care on my not even know when it will happen future hypothetical#plans when i came to get the job you're offering?? i am so sick of getting asked inappropriate questions like whom i am living with#when i plan to get married why am i not married do i want kids and etc#and then spewing nationalist stereotypes about the ppl of my ethnicity as a cherry on top#as if my ppl historically havent been through enough because this exact country getting gen*cided#or how do you spell that#forcefully being made part of the country because of the resources but still being seen by so many as outsiders in our own countty#*country#ok i got kind of carried away into history but this helplessness of mine angers me to no end...#and i just know if i wasnt the ethnicity i am i would've secured a job already but i keep stumbling upon these type of bigot employers#ok i guess now i see why i had such a bad night sleep..#tbd
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my lungs feel worse than they did yesterday and I don't have a prednisone dose today to counterbalance it. a christmas catalog arrived in the mail. forget surviving to see another streetlight concert, surviving to see christmas is starting to feel ambitious.
#ask to tag#I think the crushing sadness is a symptom too#I've had many hard times but they're rarely so uniform in weight.#I should at least be able to do my shopping for my partners#even if I can't get through all my crafts#and I can sort and label everything once I've bought it#(I usually sort it all as soon as I've got it all anyway)#so if they have to they can put my stuff in their stockings for each other#altho of course I still feel like no one will believe me#which also makes it difficult to believe myself#but my body very rarely lies to me#and cursory searching of 'feels like my body is shutting down' doesn't disprove my hypothesis#(altho the other results are like. ~emotional fatigue~ which. honey you best believe I know what that feels like.)#(this isn't that.)
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