#and by me i mean the part of me that wasnt being triggered worse than ive ever been triggered

[iiapple]

"particularly juvenile character, innocent in her attitude towards friendships and grudges" she doesnt fucking play when it comes to friendships or grudges and takes a rather black and white stance on it. hence how much she targetted marsh over the santa thing in season 1 and how quick she was to being really clingy towards her in season 2. shes so shit at reading another's feelings because She Just Doesnt Get It and shes also occupied more with what she thinks others preconceptions of her are (more than always negative shes on edge about it. even worse for actually reading the room)

"her ambition towards proving her value to others" is such a nice way of saying shes that painful of a people pleaser and needs the approval of others lest she kills herself. girl you are sick in the head, terminal killing herself disorder and falls for the "they didnt easily accept my frantic attempts at closeness with these crayon drawings because they inched away from me a bit" trick in the book of unwellness. im particularly fond of the "spiral of confusion and bitterness" part when her pleasing acts fails, the wording really encapsulates a brief timeline of her emotions when such occurs. like imagining her train of thought and inner emotions going from "? that wasnt a good reaction... but why what does this mean this doesnt make any sense why didnt it go right did i mess up did i do something wrong but i did everything right then why are they not be happy about it why are they here then [spirals into self deprecation and resentment]". you know this was triggered to something more intense and depressed-like after her second elimination like im sure this was already her before (although more persistant in trying/blind in knowing others' emotions, far before that more expression of harshness) so shes insanely frantic about doing it right especially the first time and if it fails either she'll do it again desperately or just give up entirely. its interesting, if you took how i perceive her pre-ii2 self to be, her sensitivty, low self esteem, abandonment/attachment issues, and how she handles that evolves wildly. i wouldnt be surprised there to be any form of Self issues regarding identity. making matters even "worse" she lives off of every drop of reciprocated sentiment she puts into these acts of closeness or regular old appreciation. imagine, the very self and image being that of how others think of you. not that no one experiences this, but with apple it can really make or break her identity enough to have her be absolutely elated like nothing could go wrong or be extremely depressed and having an inner battle of her self hatred and how to approach it (attack others, herself, or remain static). i dont think every one of these gestures are a need for love and validation, shes generally a bit of a sweet doof who loves to be with others and to have fun and for others to as well. but theres always that core of her that drive in her to prevent cases of abandonment even if shes not aware of it (she never is) or if its her top motive for the day

speaking of, im forever a fan of how literally canon it is that shes insane i mean neurodivergent. ive always liked to think that idiotic island didnt neccessarily kickstart her abandonment issues, but rather ignited by the thousands enough for that to sorta override how she approached her sensitivity previously (which like i mentioned before, was with more anger and crass towards others then internally psychologically herself). like not only was she left alone for much longer than anyone else on idiotic island, she was hardly really given a whole lot of kindness from the others (besides marsh, paintbrush maybe because of marsh, and pickle). not to say shes innocent, she was a bitch to marsh and targetted her a whole lot to definitely have affected her in ways more than one, but id imagine she probably came onto the show not for an entirely huge motive but at least with some hope to befriend others and have some fun. i mean, THAT long of a time was enough to self reflect somehow uknowingly to have instantly changed her approach to these situations. she wasnt direct towards herself like looking at the reflection of herself in the water but moreso something clicked, or rather shifted. sure she still did come across as a bit of a cunt to others, shes naturally immature (<3) but i think a lot of it went more over to defending those who are good in her book (like marsh). if she wasnt on good terms with herself before idiotic island then she for sure wasnt afterwards. the move from one approach to another basically, and it just kept changing slowly til her second elimimation came. and by that point a lot of that initial sensitivity had been most likely gone i think, or at the least suppressed into something more inwards to herself. she was DISTRAUGHT when marsh was outright saying to her she didnt want her around anymore, and every other act of dissapproval. throughout that whole episode apple was at best awkward questioning the difference in marsh's attitude to her and at worst being upfront to her asking for reassurance or attempting at assuring herself everything is fine (self made statements about them two). its just crazy how much of that incident can really lead to a domino effect in apple's psyche and self. id love to write it out a lot more detailed with evidence and my own headcanons someday in a much better articulated form, take my ramble boy

rereading apple's official bio off the ii site like rereading a good book

[romanromulus]

the thing is like. i think marvel should stay in its lane. it doesn’t want to take the time to tell nuanced stories, so it shouldn’t. if you feel the need to gloss over anything that might resemble a moment of catharsis, just like. maybe keep it surface level. like yeah, unfortunately I DO believe stories have a responsibility to the people who consume those stories. sorry

[that-sarcastic-writer]

I'm sorry but the more I think about it the harder it is for me to dislike soldier boy. Like he gives me asshole yet charismatic anti hero vibes.

I'm thinking about his character and what we know so far and he honestly seems redeemable and even likable. Like hes not a good person by any means, hes an absolute asshole and pretty entitled, and has obviously hurt a lot of people with a lit of the things he hasdone, but he doesn't seem as trigger happy, delusional, and as disregarding for human life as homelander is. They're supposed to be the same, but from different times, but I just cant see that yet. Soldier Boy seemed genuinely regretful about the people he accidentally killed. He obviously doesn't apologize, he saw them more as collateral damage, which honestly seems to part with his military background, but it looked like he felt genuinely bad. When have we ever seen a supe feel bad for hurting someone? Theres also his interactions with hughie and butcher. He seemed to genuinely get along with them, and he was willing to help them despite not really getting anything in return (he could probably find the rest of his team on his own if he really tried, he didn't need butcher) and also having absolutely no idea what he was getting into with taking on homelander, but he helped then anyway. He did nothing to Starlight or MM despite both of them trying to fight him/were antagonistic as hell towards him. And he stood down when butcher told him to. I guarantee you homelander would've lasered them both on the spot. So he seems to be keeping his word and is actually working with them. I also noticed his attitude towards butcher and hughie was pretty chill and receptive. He wasnt antagonistic, he wasnt on edge or on defense, and despite being an asshole, he wasn't as condescending or as much of a bully as I had expected him to be. He was willing to talk to them and also listen to them. He also opened up to Hughie about how he felt forgotten despite fighting for his country, about countess and about midtown. It felt like a pretty genuine moment of weakness, it honestly felt very human of him. I truly didnt expect him to be so chill and down to earth considering hes a supe and knowing his backstory. I was expecting so much worse.

Now I know hes done plenty of bad shit. MMs family obviously being the main thing in the story right now. But even then, from what we know, it was an accident, it wasnt like a blue hawk situation where he was targeting innocent people and actively murdering them with complete disregard. Like it was, once again, collateral damage to him. And that's not a good thing, like he lacks accountability, as it was shown by his very condescending response to MM, but that's why I think hes on that grey area of an anti hero.

We really do have to keep on watching to know more about where the fuck we stand with his character. But so far, I kinda like him. And if the writers decide to keep him as an ally, and obviously not turn him into homelander, I think he could be a good part of the boys. I mean fuck did yall see his coordination with butcher and Hughie? Like those three were more of a team than the seven is supposed to be. And the three of them seem to get along. I can honestly see them chilling and drinking beer together. I would personally like to see soldier boy team up with the boys to take down vought and expose them, and I would hate to see his character, along with Jensen's acting be wasted by killing him off or going down the let's make him a bad guy road.

But we'll have to see.

These are just my thoughts thus far. I'm in no way absolutely correct about his character, my thoughts could be entirely wrong and that's okay. Yall can disagree and that's also okay. Just wanted to get my thoughts out there because I've seen a lot of debate about his character. Sorry for the long rant and thank you.

[furiousgoldfish]

Thanks for opening the inbox again, and a huge thank you for being such an awesome source of information and a great person!

Tw emotional stuff, hints of physical(?), drugs and alcohol, and general uncomfortableness

So about a month ago I was able to finally escape my adoptive parents (emotionally and psychologically abusive, neglectful, physically abusive in the way that they overworked me and I developed health problems because of it, and my adoptive mother pretty much ran a cult (hits almost all the points in the BITE model) ). I ended up going to my aunts in a very far away city, and she made herself sound like a really awesome and good person.

But she is... I wont say she is a bad person because that sounds mean and she is letting me stay at her house rent free, but she is... not great.

Firstly, she drinks, and she drinks quite a bit. She'll go outside and drink some bottles if wine and then some beer and get drunk, and like she isnt the worst drunk?? But she likes to drive people around when she is drunk and can be quite uncomfortable. She also smokes a lot of weed and keeps many many large jars of weed in the house, and will get high at random times and still drive people around high and do stuff like that.

She can be okay when she is high, but she is also high or drunk a lot of the time, and has nearly gotten into car crashes because of it (just within my time of being here that has happened multiple times).

When she isnt high or drunk she can get mad at odd things? She hasnt gotten so mad that she attacks (verbally or physically) but shes done that before in the past. Recently one of the things she's been mad at is my cousin and I spending time together, because of a mix of transphobic, queerphobic, sexist and general projection of past people believes that we will get together into a relationship. BUT I (the older one) would be the victim and the target because I'm the poor little orphan child who has gone through a lot in foster care and everything (but she is part of my adoptive mother's cult and loves her and believes everything she says).

She is super super disrespectful and downright inappropriate with my cousin,and us slowly becoming similar to me? In a way at least. She treats me like a stray dog she took in and doesnt really like what I do too much?? She goes to other people and sometimes cries about what I told her because it was "so terribly sad" even though shes put her own kids and grandkids in similar positions? She also shares my personal information to anyone she wants, including the fact that I'm trans.

She has been getting progressively more mad at my cousin and I (for context, my cousin is also on the run from their horrible parentals and dont have a 100% safe place to be, but their current guardians are better than the last) and it's been really really really uncomfortable. She has used manipulation tactics to get what she wants and has triggered our ptsd big time and then calls us weird, creepy, uncomfortable, and immature for reacting that way.

She also has had talks about how weird it is that I have trauma and absolutely refuses the idea my cousin has been traumatized.

Idk what to do because I really need to move out but I'm not ready to move out (just escaped from a cult and trying to adjust to the world without much of a support system because I wasnt allowed to know many people growing up). My cousin really needs a place to stay but with the whole rumors that my aunt is spreading if they came to live with me things would get worse (they are already seemingly getting worse).

I've also been trying to get a list of places to spend time outside of the house so I can get away from my aunt, but that can only last so long and I dont have anywhere I could go overnight (until my cousin's place is free again, but just like them coming here their guardians can get odd).

Do you have any advice or opinions or pointers or anything youcould offer?? I could deeply appreciate any insight from you.

I've uh, sent a few things in to you before and you've been a big help for insight then. I super appreciatethose times of help, thank you for doing what you do.

I'm so happy you got away, that could not have been easy. It's so fucked up they managed to ruin your health beforehand, I've been affected like that too and I despise it.

I had to look up what BITE model is, and it's Behavioural, Information, Thought and Emotional control, extremely cult oriented, and dedicated to keeping a human being completely controlled. It looks terrifying, here's a link to an explanation for anyone else interested.

I'm glad you're at your aunt's place, this sounds horrific. It's okay to complain about your life conditions anytime, even if you don't pay rent, even if you feel like you owe gratitude. It's important to be able to acknowledge when something bothers us, and isn't in line with how we want to live our life, and you're supposed to do it, at all times.

I'm responding to this as I read, because it's so long, and okay the first complaint is big – I don't think anyone abused would feel safe living with a person who drinks a lot. It's unstable, unpredictable, non-reliable, non-consistent person around you, and you do have to always be on your toes, worrying about what will happen next, because drunk people are not at their most responsible – and driving while drunk is dangerous, I'd be upset as well. It would be much safer and more stable to be in the company and under care of people who are sober, reliable, responsible, consistent, emotionally available to you, and this is not the case, and it has to be stressful, and filling you with anxiety.

Almost car-crashes are terrifying! That's human lives being treated as play.

Mad when sober is even worse, that would freak me out so much, I can't imagine how it is for you. Especially if she's attacked you in the past, it can feel like you have to pretend everything is okay on the surface, but in reality, you're just waiting for the moment when you'll inevitably be attacked. This limbo of not-knowing and always expecting it can be just as bad as abuse, I remember hating it even more. I don't know if you do feel like this, but I'm picking up from the circumstances that it's possibly a concern.

Kinda stunned that you're being judged for the possibility of getting into a relationship with a COUSIN, people will just say anything? I'm so sorry, you do not deserve that kind of phobic projections on you, you should be free to spend time with whoever you please, without anyone getting mad. It sounds like the projections are wild and completely misplaced.

Being disrespectful and innapropriate with your cousin also crosses a line, nobody would choose to live with a person who disrespects their loved ones, and it's becoming clear you're stuck there, and stuck tolerating this. Also pretending to be your saviour but then crying to other people how difficult it is to hear about your pain – that's a violation of trust. Who would want to tell someone about abuse, only for that person to go spread it around with their own narrative of how it burdens them?  Sharing your personal information and your trans status is also invasion of privacy and a breach of trust, that's awful anon.

I hope your cousin and you are a support to each other, and can offer some solace and emotional peace to each other, because it sounds like the world is not treating you with love you deserve.

What the aunt is doing to you is not okay, manipulating a person sick with ptsd is absolutely disgusting, lowest trash behaviour. Victim shaming and blaming them, also, garbage and trash behaviour, gross. Nobody should ever be doing that to you, for as long as you're alive.

I understand you can't immediately go and need some time to gather yourself, to make sense of your situation, and to find some stability within, and that's normal and okay. I wish you'd be treated better, because this toxic treatment can make the trauma worse, or prolong it and normalize it since you still have to suffer abuse, but you're progressing, you're moving forward, and even if it takes time to move, it's okay. I believe in you, and I know you'll go to a place that is safe and fills you with security and warmth.

It's smart to spend time outside! I often did that too when with abusers. It is sad that outside can be draining and doesn't work long term.

I wish I could give you an advice, but all I really can is acknowledge that your situation is bad, that you've done everything right, and that you're right to be disappointed and upset at how badly you're still being treated. Based on where you came from, this might seem like something small, easy to overlook, but it does stir emotions in you and you're able to register it as wrong. That's a great progress to make!

You've escaped from worse than this, and I believe you'll do whatever recovery you can under these conditions, and then when you find a way, get even safer, get a place that makes you feel protected. I wish you the best of luck, if anyone has any other piece of advice for anon, please share it.

[mine-curse]

Idk i think c!philza is compleatly right...

c!tommy/fandom neg, im serious, i tried hard to word things nicely but this might come off as kinda insensitive. If you like. Relate really really hard to c!tommy maybe seriously dont read it? Or at least like.. try to read it charitably?

All characters, all rp, not discussing the ccs at all here.

It seems like a lot of people have very visceral reactions to tommy trauma because they relate to him, well i relate a lot to phil as hes been presented so far, so....

Things are not more important than people, they just arent. Symbols are not more important than the thing they are supposed to be symbolizing. I feel like this is such an obvious truth that I was extreamly confused as to why so many people were saying phil's advice was bad.

I understand that the Rapple burning reminded people a lot of Dream's treatment of Tommy during exile, and i think thats where a lot of the "this was bad advice" is coming from. I mean. The timing wasnt great. Doesnt really mean its not good advice. Its also like... the kind of advice you would expect phil to give tommy when you consider what phil has observed of tommy and where his problems seem to come from. Something i think he's expressed multiple times. And it wasnt like phil was trying to intentionally trigger tommy or somthing. I actually think tommy had an unexpectedly underwhelmed reaction given the circumstances. One that highlights the differences of these situations. Dream was doing what he did to keep tommy under his control. To try to remove any sense of power he had by undermining things that he had worked for. To show that it was all pointless to try to make him feel powerless. It was the intent behind the actions that was turbo fucked up. Phil was/is trying to show tommy that he has his own power. That he has the strength to rely on himself. That he doesnt need symbols. That his reliance on them, while understandable, it holding him back and plays a part in making his life worse. That without these symbols the things that made them important will exist. Unless they dont. And that the pain of loosing a thing cannot compair to the pain of loosing a person and how the pain or frustration of loosing a thing will disapate. Something that someone like the immortal "ive watched kingdoms crumble and lost countless friends and also my son" Philza would probably understand.

Also yes burning the rapple was painful on a meta level. I was there for a lot of the Rapple journeys. But it made it a stronger beat in the story to actually destroy something of practical and sentimental value.

I just dont think the take away, regardless of trauma, should be: hold onto things that make you feel (emphasis on feel) safe at the expense of things that can actually improve your situation, ie bonds with people, your own strength. I understand that can be a very hard thing to hear. Trust me i really really do. And Phil's timing might not have been the best but Tommy tends to go in circles, so its somewhat clear, to me at least, that he needs some kind of change.

I guess i just... over the years I think ive thought a lot about posession and ownership and the value people place on external systems. and if there is value or practicality inherent to those ideas. And i think in very very many cases there isnt, or there doesnt need to be, and that they've ended up being a self-perpetuating machine that keeps people thinking they need them. But i understand the emotional implulse to hold on. Because.. our things give us something we can control, something physical thats proof of something. But... none of that is inherently true of objects or external systems, its symbolisim that we assign to them as a way to cope with various things. Cope with traumas that are often caused by those objects and systems !!! And coping is important! I personally am in posession of lots and lots of cope!!! But you've gotta know when you're letting the cope take presedence over things that are truly irreplaceable.

Im gonna be honest, the fact the tommy did hesitate on saving tubbo's life for the disks made him a wildly unlikable dude to me. I get that its out of some kind of trauma, but the other characters are all traumatized, even if its not as apparent as it is in tommy's case. I dunno, i guess it's just a visceral reaction I have to seeing someone consider trading the life of their best friend away for a symbolic object wow 🤪🤪🤪

(I do think Tommy is an interesting character still, i kinda just resent the fandom treatment of him, and of other characters on his behalf without like... thinking about stuff...)

If you all read that here's my interpretation(s) of the furnace thing, as a.. treat..?

I think Phil was trying to give an example of like... shit happens, life moves on, we all keep persisting, its like the circle of life maannn, the cycle of stone break, cobble furnace, stone place, stone break again. Life's a cycle of ups and downs. Which is the kind of thing thats like... true, but hard to say in a way that actually registers because its often repeated. And its hard to see the truth of that when you're in the thick of a trauma response or a bad situation. So trying to give a very physical representation of that kinda makes sense.

For me its also like. Man. Giving advice is hard. You might horribly fuck up and say the wrong thing, not even because thats what you mean but just that your words come out wrong. And its a horrible feeling to let down someone that relies on you. And it can be hard to tell people things in a way they'll understand. Sometimes being a little obtuse feels like the only thing you can really do. Especially if youve already tried the direct approch.

I dunno, thats at least how i see it. I think theres lots of room for other interpretations and like, maybe we'll get some more clarification.

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket Manga Review, ch (92-93)

That was painful & so well-written! This analysis will focus on kyokyo mainly & faintly on her effect on kyo. Although, her story affects tohru’s life immensely, I won’t analyze tohru’s part & will wait until it’s a tohru’s chapter to use the knowledge of kyoko’s past to better read tohru’s mind & understand her decisions! Can’t wait! after all, that’s why I’ve read the manga to begin with!

-Kyoko’s Atonement:  (the weight of words):

 Kyoko breaks down after she learns she’s expecting. Why? cuz she hurt her mom. The notion that “yeah my parents caused me emotional trauma & so I’mma hurt them as well” is toxic & burdening as it starts a cycle of pain. Kyoko was right. She had no idea how her mom felt seeing her rebel, or follow violence or hear her harsh words. I’m not cleansing the mom from guilt nor responsibility. I’m just saying since the mom’s pov is blocked from us, assuming shes similar to the dad is wrong. kyoko’s fear of being punished with a child similar to herself is genuine, realistic & refreshing to see expressed in anime! usually character like kyoko are cool & brave, but here she’s humanly weak & doubtful. LOVE IT!

Moreover, in furuba words weigh on ppl & have consequences. We see this with kyo. His dad destroyed him verbally with words “ not my fault, it’s yours” that kyo echoes back to yuki! meaning the consequences of the dad’s words cause harm to his wife, kyo & even yuki!. Kyo was tormented with his own words for long time & clung to them even more in order not to resort to suicide! “ not my fault, it’s the rat’s” . Words can crush you down so bad if you hear them from loved ones, & worse if you utter them back to other loved ones! here kyoko learned that just the mere thought of her future child echoing her words back to her would torment her to death! Excellent writing!

-Katsuya invented Furuba’s vision (Accepting weakness & moving on):

The teachings of kyoko & tohru were really katsuya’s after all. I’m fne with that. These teachings are the core of Furuba’s vision. He tells kyoko to accept that she’s weak, afraid & doubtful. it’s okay. But gives her tools to move on. Your kid isn’t you. They’re an individual person. As parents all we can do is give love/hugs (sth kyoko’s parents didnt do), listen to them (sth yuki’s parents didnt do) & if they do sth wrong will explain it & teach them well (sth kyo’s parents didn’t do, his wrong deed was being born a cat spirit & he was hated for it with no explanation, mom gave lots of “fake” love & escaped by death, dad became a raging monster). Accepting weakness & moving on is what the cursed sohmnas needed to do to heal & what tohru taught them. Off course, tohru herself struggled to follow her own teachings & that’s amazingly realistic!

-Kyoko’s guilt (punishment brings ease):

Kyoko wanted to be punished so harsh for her husband’s death. The gossip got to her. She failed him as a life’s companion. Taking care of our loved ones is a duty we carry with much love & care. Them slipping away is perceived as us failing by none than ourselves. The thing is, death comes with no warning at times. It was his time to leave. Accepting it or not, wont bring him back, but accepting it will help kyoko deal with pain while not accepting will cause more pain for her & tohru.

One of the most painful things abt grief is that it’s personal. Life continues around you. Only you feel it.  “didn’t the world end when katsuya died”. No kyoko. Only you died emotionally. Only him died physically. Kyo once said “ mom why didn’t you kill me instead”. A different reaction to grief, guilt & pain, but same conclusion: neither katsuya nor kyo’s mom are coming back no matter how much pain kyo or kyoko felt.

Kyoko found ease in emotional death, neglecting & refusing life, punishing herself for staying after him.

kyo found ease in rage & blaming others as he his father did, later he’ll escape to emotional & physical slow death “ cat cage/confinement”.

tohru... found ease in pretending "I’m okay” & her mom is alive.. but not physically.. emotionally, so she’ll ignore the truth & live only for her.

Didn’t I say grief is harsh, weird & very very personal. It’s hard to explain, deal with & heal. The mere words of consolation hurt cuz the grieving ones dont want to accept loved one are really gone. Her dad’s harsh words cemented the “emotional death” that kyoko felt. I’m not needed. neither katsuya. nor parents in general. depression. misery. sadness. emptiness.

-The tv show helped to trigger kyoko’s desire to “meet” katsuya. She has already reached the conclusion that she isnt needed. So, the tv show with their words of the deceased wanting you to be happy. triggered her into misinterpreting the words as to mean her death NOT fuel her to live in his memory as intended.

- “Loosing your way first before finding your answer” is okay & so human!:

Ironically..Tohru... was the person Kyoko was punishing NOT herself: By being emotionally dead, kyoko neglected her daughter. Her world shouldnt be just one person. There are others. Katsuya himself gave her a person to love. Tohru. Kyoko chose death & unintentionally set tohru into a world of loneliness 10 times harsher thsn what kyoko faced. She was about to do, but was saved by a nameless child who reminded her of tohru. She chose wrong first but later saw her answer. Kyo chose death by accepting the confinement & he, too, unintentionally set tohru into a world of loneliness 10 times harsher if he wasnt with her. He chose wrong first but later saw his answer. Off course kyo’s story is more developed & complicated as he dealt with bigger issues than just tohru & his answer wasn't just loving tohru alone but also loving himself & choosing to live for them both: himself & tohru.

-Kyo’s guilt is a concussion thought eating him alive:

Part of why kyo’s story was one of the most human & complex is due him loosing his way first, failing, repeating mistakes “ I always though that hurting ppl was the only thing I was good at, after all, isnt that why mom died?” Kyo’s nightmare being a conscious effect of hearing tohru’s talk abt “ videos & memories of loved ones” is 1000 times stronger & more human than a cliche effect of seeing a “ hat” & to revive a a blocked memory... What the hell!! truly disgusting how the emotional weigh is reduced for stupid cliche drama !!!!!! ..

Anyway, kyo actively & consciously wanted punishment .He was sure that kyoko blamed him” I wont forgive you” can only mean what it literally means. The purpose of the nightmare is to cause kyo to seek “ emotional death” like kyoko & to loose his path more. It is meant to prepare kyo to refuse tohru even more. Therefore, the pay off at the climax will be better & stronger.

Reading kyo’s inner thoughts will never not be refreshing!!! Also, the slow burn is cooked on low , hot fire , so the pay off will be the most delicious there is!

Side Notes:

I’ve stated my feelings regarding the age gap between kyoko & katsuya in last chapter’s preview post. I’m done with it & won’t let it interfere with my analysis of kyoko nor tohru.

The idea of just being together as a fun hanging out activity without being bothered much of where reminds ms so much of kyo & tohru!! we see them being happy together in the anime in kazuma’s house, shigure’s rooftop, cooking pancake in the kitchen! I really like this domestic feel of romance! it contradicts the notion of expensive restaurant with the girl wearing a breathtaking dress to woo the guy for it to be utterly romantic as we see in movies, & other stories.

NGL, katsuya looked sexy waiting home.. damn it! >_<

I cried watching tohru between her parents, how they acted & how loved she was! T_T. it reminded me of my niece How her dad’s death affected her! She was the apple of his eyes.. T_T.

Tohru is indeed a rice ball! her dad gave her a masculine name while tohru is so feminine! his reasoning is “finding salty taste in sweet things make the taste better & stronger, kinda giving it a hidden flavour”, the rice ball has a pickle inside it & it’s what makes the taste so savory & delicious!

Grandpa’s “ chance meetings could lead to variety of outcomes, good or bad” YES! kyo/tohru/yuki meeting each other by chance. Fiction make it look weird, but trust me, real life has those by dozens!

“ i wonder how lost you’ll be, how much time you’ll need to get your answer”. He will screw up so bad, kyoko! it will be so good! one of the best screw up’s I’ve seen! so painful for him & tohru & amazingly written!

Kyo’s nightmare being connected to him remembering/dreaming of kyoko’s story is bigger effect than opening the ep with it & having the cause be sth that happened last ep, a week ago... the effect is NOT the same.

Momiji is so cute!!! did his curse break here or not yet? he seemed as tall as tohru.

Writing tohru worried abt kyo after seeing him pale is the tohru I know!! Not that stupid girl who watches the guy she loves have a panic attach in se3, ep6, then goes in ep 7...” dahhhh.. Jeez.. I duno why kyo is sleeping until now.. better laugh & make cute rice cakes” giggle giggle...That scene got me so furious even when I first saw it!! THIS IS NOT TOHRU! tohru cried for a stupid story that haru told abt puppets!! she’ll forget the person she challenges herself for is sick?! ugh!

I love seeing yuki & kyo chill & cool around each other.

Kyoko being fully dependent on katsuya can be a factor in her grief, but I’ve seen cases where both partners are independent but still be completely broken after the others’ death. Grief isn’t logical at all & is extremely personal.

[checkerflats]

Haven't been on tumblr in a long time. Felt like this was a decent place to write since nobody I know really uses tumblr anymore. I wanted to talk about my journey over the last few years and tumblr feels private enough a place to do so.

I moved to Florida 3 years ago (well as of this upcoming March) and at first life was decent. I tried to acclimate myself, stay healthy, positive, supportive, etc. At some point during that first year, I became incredibly depressed, nervous, anxious, overwhelmed trying to support myself (I did have a good friend group to help me) but down the line I had convinced myself I had a plan and that it was 'my plan, I thought of it' so instead of talking to the people I cared about and loved, I continued to try to do things in my own way.

A belief is a thought you have that you like. My belief was that I was the only one who could tell me what to do. And I never told myself to shut up and listen to people; realize they're saying what they're saying because they care. I became toxically selfish. I started judging my friends and peers opinions, being an asshole, being inconsiderate to everyone around me, unwilling to talk about my issues (and if I did I sounded like a narcissistic twat), etc.

To make a long story short, I resulted to drinking to cope with my overwhelmed thoughts and feelings. This isnt an excuse. It's just what happened. It in no way makes my behavior acceptable. In fact, anyone who knows me and how I act when drinking changes my thinking patterns would attest that it's only ever made anything worse. Even days or weeks without doing so, it affects me on such a negative level that negativity is the only lense through which I view the world and its inhabitants. I become the definition of nihilistic.

This led me to losing my friends, my loved ones, my job, housing, and ultimately respect from others and respect for myself. It was devastating and I did it to myself. After July of 2019 I started to refrain from drinking and honestly believed I had become the best version of myself. I got a new apartment, job, new friends who have still supported me to this day, albeit, upon making these leisurely friends who wanted to be wild, I felt I should--I wanted to participate. It was fun for a minute, and I was sober for about a month or two..

I'd begun to drink with them every now and then, never alone or at home, never two days in a row. I thought I could be a casual drinker. However, these friends and I stopped drinking for the most part, and begun to do a lot of acid (one thing I wouldn't say is neccesarily bad or addictive, in moderation) and a LOT of xanax. I started to learn a whole new meaning of 'fucked up' and went downhill faster than Jack and Jill could even imagine, baby!

By December, a friend and I decided we'd start doing cocaine. Fuck it, right? That got bad quick. It only lasted about 2 months on and off until we realized how crazy it was and that we needed to actually save our money (and sanity) so we stopped. By this point (March/April of 2020) I'd stopped doing everything other than weed. That inevitably led me straight back to drinking. This time it was everyday again, alone, at home, you get the point. When coronavirus hit I lost my job, couldn't find another anywhere therefore couldnt afford rent, was constantly in scary situations for 2 months (drunk), and decided it was best to GTFO and high tail it back to Ohio by May of 2020.

This took me months to realize, but I had so subtly slipped back into mass depression. Being back in Ohio, around triggers and friends who'd grown apart from me, I felt helpless and alone. I began drinking all the time. When I'd wake up, all throughout my shifts at work, at 2 am once the beers I'd had after work were buzzing off.. I was having the worst thoughts and feelings possible that I won't elaborate on because, again, I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses or even manipulating the perception of whoever might read this. I did this to myself. My behavior was absolutley unacceptable. I'd been put on probation for drinking, I'd been arrested for it even once in my own bed sound asleep (lets not go into how corrupt the law enforcement is in Mansfield, OH). The point is I'd broken the law and, regardless of the circumstances, the law is the law and it comes with consequences.

By October of 2020 I'd agreed that the best case of action was to go to a treatment center for addiction. The center was more or less a joke at first until a counselor committed to actually helping us started working there in mid-November. All in all being sober long enough to get back to a focused, rational, kind state of mind has put me in a euphoric state of content more so than any materialistic or temporary feeling that a substance or whatever else could bring me. Real peace is better than fake, self-driven delusion. I got released from the center today (1/13/21).

What I'm trying to get across is that if it wasnt for those who care for me after all the shit I've put them through, if I hadn't accepted I had a problem and my plan wasnt working, I'd still be that other guy. If you give up your ideals and listen to a 'Higher Power', (a 'God', a group of people as in power in numbers, a spiritual intuition that things happen for a reason and you agree you alone can't solve issues the same way you've tried 1000 times over and failed) whatever your view on that is, if you are willing to change and accept support you will be able to find genuine serenity.

That other guy is still in there. I have to continue working my program daily and catch myself if I slip up, be prepared to tell others, make amends (unless that would make things worse) and by all means listen to their advice in order to turn 4 months of sobriety (even from weed, but this is mostly about drinking) into 4 years, and so on. If you read all this (well first off, thank you, like.. golly!) and you are someone who knows me, then I'm sure that's hard to believe because everyone who knows me has heard me say before that 'I am quitting alcohol!' when in all honestly all those same people probably knew damn well I was just trying to convince them rather than myself and even if I did want to stop, I still had a desire to do it. That's where I can finally cut ties and announce that I, personally to myself, no longer have the desire for alcohol. Today. Right now. One day at a time. I despise it. It took my ambitions and spat them in my face along with my kindness, positivity, all my goals and loved ones like they all meant nothing and I am sick and tired of enabling that feeling. The world we live in is full addiction. Eating, technology, fame, money, power, caffeine, nicotone, sugar, sex, drugs, rock and roll--you get it okay? None of those will bring anything of substantial value or genuine joy. Being selfish will bring nothing but suffering. Be kind and loving. Love is salvation.

Once more, if you read all this, you're a saint and I thank you and hope your life, if not already, becomes (and continues to be) positive, peaceful and great. Love yourself, the best and worst. Face fear head on and never give up. Always lend a hand to those who clearly need it and if they turn it away like I did so many times, all you can do is hope and pray they'll get to the point of acceptance someday. I am so grateful for the oppurtunity I had to turn my life around. I am thankful for every single person who's come and gone and the help they offered before and after I actually admitted it was neccessary. I'll try and be of service to others when and where I can. Stay safe, world.

-cone

[toxicradio]

Pornography

I'm on a Ted Talk binge and now I have stop. It was a video talking about porn and it was from a young woman. Before I even clicked on it, I knew I would be disappointed. I still clicked and started to watch with hope. I am sad to say I had to stop a few minutes in.

Within the first few minutes, I could already find issues. The data she provided and the conclusion drawn from it was skewed.

One of the first things she talked about was a guy she interviewed who was addicted to porn and couldn't kick it because they were relapsing and they needed more agressive porn each time to get the same kick. And they were first exposed to porn at the age of 6 and the videos were so graphic it kept them up at night.

What the fuck is a 6 yo doing watching porn?

Here are my questions: why was a 6 yr old able to find porn. Was it a website? If so, how did they know where to look? Was it a magazine their friends showed them? Did an adult or older child show them? How was a 6 yo able to access (assumingly violent) porn? Where were the parents? Why are they not watching what their child does online?

I am concerned they feel they need to find the most agressive to kick it. Is this their own wording or was it fed to them? Are they stopping because of shame and trying to repress interests or is this a legitimate addiction? Why are they distressed by enjoying porn? Is it because of a feeling of shame or does the consumption affect their relationships with others, their work, or other?

Is this a genuine addiction or is this shame and guilt enforced by a very anti-sex society?

I will never know.

But these are the questions I have. And they do make a difference.

Next, she talked about how porn has become the way most people learn about sex. I agree this is not a good and healthy thing. But banning porn will not make it better. If banning porn isn't the answer, then what is? How on earth are we supposed to teach kids about sex?

By fucking talking to them. Answer their questions, tell them what it is, who should be involved. Teach then about consent and masturbation and sex acts and genetalia and genital and sexual health. Teach them about sexuality and kinks in age appropriate ways. Create a safe and open place for people to talk about and ask about and learn about sex. Get rid of the stigma and shame.

Do you want to know why porn is so "addictive"? Because our brains release oxytocin. This is a hormone that plays a role in bonding with others. It plays a role in self and social trust and bonding between couples and mother and child. It feels good and we as humans naturally want more.

This is a naturally occurring hormone and it is currently being studied to see if it can help address depression, anxiety, social stress for people with autism, and to fight addiction.

Endorphins are also released during orgasm. They are also released during laughter.

As humans, we seek pleasure and comfort. Something to trigger these hormomes.

Yes, porn and sex can both lead to a serious addiction but I feel it's time we really truly look at porn and sex outside of the biased lense. How much of this is addiction and how much of it is shame enforced by a very ant sex society.

Porn is meant to be entertaining. It is not supposed to used for education.

Next, she started taling about aggression in porn. If you have been on my blogging enough, you know this is my breaking point.

She talked about how mostly women were being slapped and degraded and how the majority of the time they smiled.

She then gave the analogy of slapping someone in real life.

But what she doesn't know or is ignoring, is that someone women like to be degraded in the bedroom. On occasion, some of us like to slap or be slapped. Some of us enjoy the aggression. It's passion.

But we don't like being slapped out of that context. Because why are we being slapped in that moment? Because then someone is taking out their anger in us. They aren't trying to pleasure us or make us feel good. They are angry and controlling.

I like when my partner degrades me during sex. When strangers call me a slut of having sex I take offense. Because they do it to insult and harm, my partner asks first and does it because it makes me happy.

Context is huge and is often left out of the conversation of porn.

Then she talked about how before the 2000s ass to mouth porn was so hard to find.

How do you know this? Where are your sources? Do you think it's because there was and still is a huge stigma around kink and bdsm and fetishes? Is it because back then the stigma around porn and sex was worse?

It wasnt unavailable.

It existed, you just needed to know how and where to look. She looked in her 30s at the oldest. Meaning she was a child in the 90s. You don't have the same access to porn that adults do. You can't go to an adult store and by specific porn. Trust me, it was available.

Porn isn't the unhealthy thing. Our relationship to porn is.

It's a secret. It's a literal guilty pleasure. It's a sin. Its shameful. It's dirty. It's not something to talk about.

That's the dangerous part.

When we create a cloud of shame around something, it becomes easy for predators to use it to their advantage. We victim blame porn actors because "its dirty sex. What did you expect? You have to be ok with this if you want a career. No one will beleive you and we will make money off your pain." Rather than openly talk about sex and porn and make it a safe work environment for men and women and those of other genders.

Progress has been made which is great! But our work is not done.

Sex is healthy. Kinks are healthy. Porn is and object. Watching porn can be healthy. Shaming this isn't healthy.

Porn is purely for pleasure. It is not for education. That responsibility relies on us. Adults need to educate each other and kids on sex and we need to actively work to remove the stigma and shame surrounding a natural, human, experience.

[arthurflecksgirl]

Doctor of laughter /Arthurs POV

This is my version of the scene at the childrens hospital and the scene in the phone booth/ Arthurs POV

Doctor of laughter

Name: Dr Arthur

Department: Laughology

Speciality: Baloons

Ironic when you think about it. If not even funny.

They call me doctor of laughter here. Not knowing that I needed to visit the doctors because of my laughter for so many times in my not so funny life. Or maybe it was funny, if you have a really dark sense of humor.

But well, those kids here in the cancer ward don`t know about this and I`m glad they don`t. They shouldnt know that Dr Arthur is more of a patient himself as he is a doctor. My work name as a partyclown is Carnival but the guy who printed my card just used my real name which is also fine because it always melts my heart when one of the kids calls me Dr Arthur. It just feels so personal and makes me feel needed. Like I`m truly fulfilling my purpose here. Maybe I didnt managed to bring laughter and joy to this world, not even to Gotham but here in this hospital room the magic is happening. I`m the man I want to be. Here in this small room, filled with these kids who know what suffering and lonelyness means I can do something right. Here in this ward I`m living my dream. Making people happy. The kids just know and feel that this is who I am and why I am here for. they feel it. And they need to feel it because they need a moment of happiness just as much as I do.

I look at their faces and you can tell that they have been through so much. I just want to give them a glimpse of joy. Even if its not inside of myself, especially because it isnt. But seeing them smile, even for just a second makes me think that I felt it too. For a small moment there was this  glimmer inside. The taste of doing something that has a purpose.

I wonder how many of them are lonely. Not just now here at the hospital but when they`re at home. I wonder if any of those kids feels missunderstood or left  by their parents like I did. Or worse. I wonder if any of them will come up to me some day and say "Dr Arthur. I need someone to talk to."

I look at their faces and wonder if they are loved by their families. And I hope they are, wondering how they will feel when they`re back home. Some days in my life, I felt saver in a hospital bed. Which tells so much about life at home. I hope none of those kids feels better here than with their families. I look at each one of the faces. Trying to take a look behind the tiredness that comes with the chemo. Do they look like they areren`t loved by their family? How did I look as a kid? Could you tell?

I love the way they look at me while I am doing my little performance to "If you happy when you know it". It is so much easier to make kids smile. I`d love to have kids myself one day. I´ll be the clown daddy. Just imagin my child`s friends would go "What your daddy is a clown? For real? Thats so cool! He should come visit us on our birthday!" And of course I would be there and do their make up so all kids on the party would be clowns and thats just too adorable to think of.

Yeah I sometimes do dream about this, but thats another story. I dont think I will be a dad in the near future. But maybe I could be something close to a dad to Sophies daughter Gigi.

"If you happy and you know it wiggle your ears" I touch my ears and move my lips to the music that plays from the cassette player . Sometimes I also sing along for real because I couldnt help it. I have a thing for singing and dancing. Some of the kids touch their ears too. Some others sing the lyrics. And some are just too shy or weak to do more than just sit and watch. I try my best to look at everyone of them. No child should feel left out. Thats another really important thing for me,too. To not let any kid feel ignored. Ignorance is hell and I dont want to do this to anyone. Imagin there is this one really shy kid in the corner and you almost didnt notice because you are distracted by the other kids who are closer to you, singing. And the next night this kid might lie awake in the hospital bed, wondering why Dr Arthur, the friendly clown wouldnt even look him or her in the eyes. I just cant stand this thought. So I look at each one of them every single time. Try to animate them. I wanna be a good memory.

"If you happy and you know it and you really wanna show it...."

The word happy can be a trigger for me. Because thats the name my mum gave to me. The most unfit name in the world.

"....if your happy and you know it wiggle your ears" I turn to the kid sitting on the chair beside me and knee down. The doctor standing by the window is looking at the kids face. I guess it feels good to her to see the kid smile, finally. It made her grin too.

This makes me feel energetic like, I really get lost in my little dance for a second. Wearing the white  hospital clothes felt weird in the beggining. They reminded me of Arkham and I asked the doctors if I really have to put them on. But they explained to me that this has a good effect on the kids.They feel like I am one of them when wearing the same clothes and I coudnt say no to that.

"If you`re happy and you know it stomp your feet...." I turn to the other side, spinning around, lift my hands up in the air. Even the other doctor has joined singing. This job is the only thing in my life that I dont hate.

".....If your happy and you know it and you really want to show it , if you happy and you know it stomp your feet."

I do. I do stomp my feet. Forgetting that I keep the gun under my clothes.

It makes a noise falling right to my feet. My reaction is fast. A high pitched scream is escaping my red painted lips. I remember this trick when comedians try to pick something up and it just keeps slipping away. Maybe I can make it look like a part o my act.

This wasnt planned or was it? Is there any chance I thought this would be funny when I left the house to go to work? Why did it fell out so easily? I can`t remember. But it surely doesnt feel good now.

Anyway, I pick up the gun and hide it under the hospital clothes, acting like I`m a bit embarrassed but gigglelish about what happened. I press my index finger to my lips and chuckle. Most of the kids look more than surprised, but then there is this lttle girl standing right in front of me is forming her hand to a gun and points it at me. I really like her.

Half an hour later I find myself in a phone booth taking to my chef. No good news are on the way.

"Hoyt, please! I love this job!"

I mean this as I say it. This job is important to me. Its a motivation after waking up. Knowing that there are sad faced kids I can make laugh again. I even try to ignore my workmates bullying me and all. I just want to go to hospitals and kids partys and be Dr Arthur or the birthday surprise. He cannot take this away from me. I hope he is bying my lie of the gun being fake. I wish Randall wouldnt have given it to me in the first place. I just knew that this is not going to end well. Why did he do this to me? Is this what he intended? Was this Randalls plan all along? Getting me fired by knowing that something would happen involving the gun?

Hoyt asks me why I brought a gun into the kids hospital and I explain to him that its a prob, a part of my act now. he doesnt belive me, raises his voice. "Thats bullshit, bullshit. What kinda clown carries a fucking gun? Besides Randall told me you tried to buy a 38 off him last week."

I knew it. I just knew there was something up with Randall giving me his gun. Him claiming I tried to buy it off him is proof enough. Its all lies. All lies. As if I would have wanted this damn thing. I told him I`m not supposed to have a gun and he still gave it to me, claiming to be worried about me being attacked out on the steets.  Nice try, Randall. I bet you hoped I would kill myself with it by accident. But losing my job is just as good for you. Now you dont have to deal with my laughter anymore.

"Randall told you that?"

I cant belive this is happening right now. I cant belive he is beliving in Randalls words instead of what I am trying to tell him.

"You`re a fuck up, Arthur. And a liar. You`re fired!"

Hoyt hangs up the phone.

This is a nightmare.  The only good thing I had in my life just ended.

I put my head to the cold glass of the phone booth and bang my forehead against it. The glass is cracking. I know there is a sharp pain but I can`t even feel it.

[mollydollyjournals]

Finally had a long talk with hb about divorce and all that. A proper one. It's been vaguely hinted at and sort of spoken about a bit but today we talked about what we're actually going to do. The idea is to change some things about how we operate for a bit, take a lot of space, then in a couple of months he's having surgery and we'll use that as an opportunity for him to move back in with his parents for a month and we'll have more space, then decide from there. I feel like we're just running the last resuscitation attempts. We'll likely split up properly before next year.

It's kind of funny this talk happened today. It's his birthday. It's my dad's birthday too. I didnt get anything for either of them. Hb doesnt really do presents and I didnt talk to my dad for a decade after he disowned me so I never really know what to do there anyway. I'll have to drink more or disassociate harder if I'm going to send a text to my dad or come up with a present idea.

All kinds of abandonment triggers flaring today. I finished watching Beyond Evil. Weird show. But at the end I felt the same as I did at the end of My Mister (which I really loved) - something about seeing the characters go through so much shit and lose family and all sorts, but in the end they have each other in their little community, a found family, and they sit around a table having dinner and drinking and know they always have each other's backs.

It seems to be common in Korean dramas so presumably a cultural thing. I guess every culture has its food rituals. Just my family, the ones I grew up geographically closest to, are italian. And catholic. They're loud and toxic and it took me years to figure out they're where I get my eating disorder from. Part of me misses xmas dinners when my grandmother was alive because there was a food I loved that we always had. But maybe it's just because I was so young then. Maybe I just hadnt noticed all the shit yet. But those gatherings over the years just became such a toxic situation full of pressure and guilt and judgement, and in the end it's no surprise I developed every kind of eating disorder.

I miss the other side of my family too. Southern African, so another continent entirely, and more than a day's travel from where I grew up. They were loud too, but not pushy. They were just loud and you joined if you wanted. But my dad never taught me the language, and i never learned, so i could only speak to the people who spoke English unless my dad was around to translate. And of the people I was close to, only one is still alive. Other than them, the one who assaulted me as a child is still there too. It made me afraid to go back. It made me regret not seeing the others before they died.

And by the time I was old enough to start seeking out my own found family, I couldn't eat in front of anyone. Now I have issues with drinking too, the other way entirely. I'm always jealous of the scenes in these shows where everyone sits around a little table with good food and good drinks and good company. That's what life should be. We should all have that.

It hits particularly hard during this pandemic. Good company around a shitty little table is the one thing we can't have. It's why I felt so intensely about going to my friends' wedding weekend - they didnt make a big deal of it, it was just some nice people in a little location with nice food and nice drinks. Of course, I didnt join very well with the latter two. But being able to just be around people feels like such a rare thing.

Hb wants to close himself off entirely. I want to be around people I love. I'm someone who needs a lot of space but I'm still finding all of this so difficult. I dont know if I need more company than I realised or it's just the situation highlighting things. But I've felt so so isolated and I keep thinking about how a pandemic has one particular way in which it's worse than any other kind of catastrophe, and that's that we can't be together. Of course other situations will be worse in other ways, I dont mean to say this is overall worse. But in war or natural disaster etc you can come together and support each other. But a pandemic does more damage the more we do that, so we can't.

I don't know. I want some company. I wish I was stupid rich so I could buy a little community and put all my friends in it. Have a communal area where people just chill and do nothing together, or have those dinners and drinks around a little table. I wish it wasnt just me in my room being left alone again.

[inupibaldspot]

Saviour : Chapter 19

I'm going to be a marine.

After the shock had eventually dissolved and they had finally calmed down and properly digest the fact, Emilia's decision.

The statement triggered two different reaction from the two boys.

Luffy would always be stuck with Emilia. The boy would never leave her side saying that he was going to spend as much time as possible with Emilia. Look at Emilia you'll see Luffy. Kitchen? He was there. Bed? He was there. Toilet? He would be near the door like a overly attached dog waiting for his owner.

On occasions the boy would hug Emilia and give a pout asking, "You're really going to be a marine?" Which made Emilia's resolve flatter abit. The girl would then have to shake her head to vanish thoughts which went against the decision. Emilia would then smile and simply say, "I'm sorry."

However on the other hand, Ace would ignore her and avoid her as much as possible. Every time Emilia would catch Ace looking at her, there would always be a frowning face, seemingly fuming with anger and disappointment. The only time they would share the same room would probably be the bed room and living room; that also Ace would eat really fast and just go outside making a heavy feeling develop in Emilia.

But then Emilia could understand why Ace felt that say. It's seemed as if he was saying "You're going to be part of the organisation which killed Sabo?!".

Celestial Dragon.... Just the name made Emilia frown. The people who are said to be similar to God's, yet have no sympathy and looks down And discriminate humans. And honestly just the fact that she may be someone assigned to protect them when she turns into a marine gave her an headache.

A few weeks had passed but still Ace kept on avoiding Emilia. At first she thought that he might get sick of this avoiding game but she was proven otherwise. Even the bandits tried to resolve the matter between them since they said that the air when ever Emilia and Ace were together was suffocating. It was as if Ace had gone back to the time when they had first met if not worse.

Emilia sighed as she looked at Ace in front of her, who was carrying the deer for lunch. He did help in capturing it and the trio still had a perfect coordination in capturing their prey but still then he refused to talk to her.

"Ace!" Luffy who was beside her called out. "Your still not going to talk to Emilia?" Leave it to Luffy to always ask questions which people usually avoid. The small rubber boy did the same thing a few months ago, when he asked Ace if his father was really Roger, thoughtlessly. And ofcourse that triggered the wrath of Ace.

"Shut up Luffy!" Ace shouted still not facing their direction and walked quietly back to their place even though Luffy kept on asking the reason why.

Soon enough they did reach back home and Emilia went straight into the kitchen and went to make some lunch, followed by Luffy of course. After she was done some bandits came and set the table.

Everyone quietly ate their lunch with their eyes wandering between Ace and Emilia.

"I'm done." Ace broke the silence and picked up his dishes, placed them in the sink and went outside.

Dogra sighed at the scene. "You guys are still fighting?" He sighed looking at Emilia who was staring at the door which was now closed after Ace went away.

Emilia simply smiled. "We are not fighting." Her heart ached when Ace kept on ignoring her and to be honest even though they saw each other daily Emilia missed him. She missed his smile, she missed talking to him ,she missed his presence...

"Did he really take you being a marine that bad?" This time Dadan was the one who asked. When Emilia first told them her future plans evertime was shocked but after a while they eventually accepted it and moved on with their daily lives except for Ace.

"I guess."

Silence took over the room but it wasn't maintained as a rather loud sound of someone shouting was heard.

"This presence..." Emilia almost laughed. It's as if the person knew what was going on in her mind and had come to retrieve her.

"Who is it?" Luffy who was having his second or maybe third share asked, as he kept on eating. The bandits who were in the room and some in the kitchen ,which was attached to the living room, washing the plates also looked at Emilia curiously.

"Garp-san."

"GYAHAHAH!"  Just as Emilia said those words the man came through the doors making a rather loud entrance. "How are you, brats?!"

"Geh! Grandpa?!" Luffy exclaimed in surprise.

"Hmmm?" Garp made a confused sound. "Where are the other two?" He asked.

This made everyone go silent.

"Sabo..." Emilia was the one who started. "He passed away..." After that she started explaining everything to the old man.

"I see..." Garp let out a sigh. He didn't know the small blond brat for long but still knowing that the boy died made his heart break.

"Garp-san...I have something to tell you." Emilia said looking at the man in front of her. "I want to be a marine."

Garp felt his jaws drop. "A marine?" He questioned wondering if he heard it wrong. Wasnt she going to be a pirate just like Luffy Luffy and Ace? The girl nodded making Garp know that what he heard was indeed correct.

"You sure?"

"Yes..."

"To think one of you brats are doing what I say." Garp sobbed as tears rolled down his cheeks. Emilia reached out her hand and passed him a tissue to which Garp took and blew his nose.

"But then" Garp started. "Today I came here because I had a work in East Blue so I have to leave tomorrow. If you're going to be a marine you'll have to go back with me tomorrow since I don't really know when I'll be able to get my next break and come get you."

"I don't mind leaving tomorrow."

.....

"I'll be waiting near the docks of the village." Garp said as he walked away.

Emilia nodded and turned towards the group of bandits in front of her. Some of the bandits were sobbing while others were waving at her with a smile ,saying words of encouragement for her new journey. Where as their boss,Dadan just was looking elsewhere avoiding eye contact with the young girl.

"Thank you for always taking care of me." Emilia bowed showing her gratitude. " I'm sure I was alot trouble but then I really loved and enjoyed the time I spend here.I'll really miss you guys."

Hearing this Dadan turned back and walked into the house. "Boss,are you crying?" One of the bandits teased.

"Shut up! I'm not crying!" The woman objected but the tone she said it confirmed that she was indeed crying. Emilia laughed a bit at the scene. She then turned around and walked towards the forest.

"You're not going to the village,Emilia?" Magra questioned as he look at the girl who was walking in the opposite direction where Fuusha village was.

"I wanted to talk to Ace one last time." Emilia replied.

"I see...Patch things up properly before you go." The man said smiling.

Emilia walked forward following her haki searching for Ace. While walking she looked at the area surrounding her. The large tree which had sunlight passing through the branches, the small river which had a few stepping stones, a few flower which she passed by ; her eyes stayed on the group of cosmos for a few seconds more than others. Certainly each place of the forest held great meaning to her, she was certainly going to miss the place.

Emilia kept on walking and eventually the forest had cleared up. She had reached the edge of the forest where the view of the vast sea was magnificent. The wind here was gentle and sounds of the waves hitting the land was the only sound accompanying it.

Her blue eyes looked at the silhouette which was simply standing there looking forward. Emilia walked towards it and stopped, keeping a small distance.

"Ace." Emilia called out. The boy in front then turned and looked at her. This was the first time in weeks that the boy was properly looking at her. "I'll be going now." She continued smiling gently at the boy.

Ace's mouth opened slightly in surprise. He was so fixed in on avoiding her that she didn't even know she would be leaving so soon. But he didn't voice his thoughts and instead asked something which was always in the back of his mind. "Why...why are you going to be a marine?" He asked as he clenched his fist.

Emilia didn't answer right away, she simply looked at him making silence fall upon them. "I don't intend to be a dog of the marine, Ace." She avoided the question.

Ace wasn't satisfied with the answer but neither did he feel like she would give him the answer to his questions, however the way she phrased her reply made him a bit relieved. It was as if she was saying being a part of the marines doesn't mean she forgave what they did to Sabo. Also as if saying even if they were on different sides, she will still see him as a comrade. "I see..." Ace felt embarrassed now that he thought about his actions these past weeks. Being against Emilia's desire to be a marine was as if he was trying to chain Emilia and stop her from making her own decisions, stop her from being free.

"I guess this is good bye then." Ace smiled at her. How he wished he could turn back time and spend his time with Emilia rather than avoiding her.

"Uhn.." Emilia nodded and smiled back. She raised her hands and waved at Ace. "I'll see you next time in the sea."

"No way!" Ace shouted at the girl making her drop stop waving and drop her hands. "If we ever met in the sea, it'll mean we will be meeting as enemies!" Ace huffed and put both his hands on his hips. "I don't want that."

Emilia's eyes widened and then she giggled. Sometimes Ace was more difficult to understand than Luffy. She the nodded and said. "Bye bye." And turned around and started to walk away from him.

Ace watched the girl in front of him. The winds caused her slightly wavy hair to sway. He held up on of his hands and imagined him holding hers. He didn't want her to leave yet. "I like you..." Ace confessed. It wasn't loud not more than a whisper.

"Eh?"

Ace looked at Emilia and saw that she had turned around, her face was slightly red. Shit! She somehow heard it!  Ace cursed himself. Of course! Its Emilia for god sake!

He looked at Emilia's still confused face and then let out a loud sigh, scratching the back of his head. "You didn't hear it wrong... I like you Emilia." Ace said loudly.

"I never had these feelings before so I'm not sure my self but yet I can't really imagine my self having these same feeling again in the future if it is not you. Even though your strong I can't help but think 'I want to protect her'. At first I questioned myself but then I realized that it is because you're someone very precious to me."

Ace walked towards the girl as he kept watching  the girl who still had a flushed face, shifting weight from one side to the other and played with her fingers.She is still bad at dealing with confessions but the way she looked right now.... She look so adorable. Ace smiled.

Emilia bit her lower lips mustering up every courage she had to tell how she felt about Ace. "I...I-"

"I'm not asking for an answer but i guess I really wanted to let you know how I  felt." Ace cut her off.Emilia's eyes widened as she felt Ace hold her wrist and pull her towards him. Her head rested on Ace's chest. Ace wrapped his arms around her as he rested his chin on her head.

"Just let me stay like this for a bit."  Ace whispered. He felt like this was the right thing to do. He felt as if he didn't do this right now he might never get this opportunity in the future.

Emilia nodded as she listened to Ace's heartbeat.

Ace smile turned into a grin as he felt arms wrap around him. He looked down to see Emilia hide her face into his chest however he did notice the way the girl's ears red.

Maybe I should have asked for an answer after all... Ace thought as he slightly tightened his hold around the girl.

.......

"You sure you got everything you need?" Makino asked with a worried look on her face.

Garp, Emilia, Luffy and Ace were on the docks of Fuusha Village. The bandits didn't come saying that they would most probably scare the people in town.

"Yeah." Emilia smiled. She then looked at the doctor who had thought her medicine. The doctor reached out his hands and placed it on top of Emilia's head. "Take care, my lil prodigy." He said.

"I will." Emilia replied back. "I'll keep on studying medicine as well,doctor."

"I'm sure you'll do a great job at it."

"Oi!" Garp called out from the ship. "We're ready! Let's get going!"

"Do you really have to go,Emilia?" Luffy asked with his eyes filled with tears holding onto Emilia's shirt. He really wanted the girl  to stay and be a part of his crew.

"I'm sure we'll meet again, Luffy." Emilia smiled and then finally turned towards Ace. Her face turned a bit red as she waved at Ace, remembering what had happened between them. Ace also didn't say anything and simply grinned back with his hands on his hips.

"Take care."

"I will..."

Emilia then picked up her bag, which had nothing other than a few clothes, her medicine box and a book on navigation, and walked up the stairs leading to the ship. And as soon as she got in, the marines opened the sails, brought up their anchor, making the ship move.

"Bye Bye Emilia!!!" Luffy shouted loudly,both tears and snots rolling down his face.  Along with him others also waved their hands.

Emilia smiled waving back. She kept on looking at their direction till they were no longer in view.

She was going to miss them.

[floralkittygambler]

Reposting for reasons

Response to Honest’s post here: Doing this to spread this awareness more as I know theres a bit of a rift in the critical community - plus I really fucking go on. Im PISSED and I do apologise however it NEEDS urgent addressing. I know people will hate me for it but Im used to hate and honestly? Hating rather than helping to solve the issue only furthers my fucking point here. So yeah this is so more people are aware (no offense to any of those involved in said rift either, but this is an important message. Thank you for understanding and if I can do anything to make all sides comfortable, then please message me and I’ll do my upmost.) “ More awareness of this is needed. Even if it’s your favourite, you can’t justify their shit but rally against another’s shit. Have people tell you you’re experiences arent real or invalid because, like Husk, people have - in real life - shipped you with someone you are far from comfortable with but you still treat them like a person. Because you have basic respect. And people force you to accept harassment, touching, stalking, advances for THEIR satisfaction. People use you for their fantasies. But you’re just a ‘tsundere’ for it. Or you have addiction issues but people think being with another addict will ‘save’ you because you’re apparently too incompetent to save yourself. Love isnt some magic fuckin cure so stop romanticising it as a fuckin saviour. It’s gross and fuckin creepy. Get stalked and have someone NEVER accept your no just because you show youre still decent enough to not treat them shitty or any different from anyone else. Try having someone way older or way younger (both in morally fucked up ways) advance on you and people encourage that. People you’re supposed to feel safe around.

People touch you when you pull away or show discomfort. Follow you home. Have pictures of you and wont accept you dont like them like that and it’s not ‘playing hard to get’ or ‘the thrill of the chase’. Fuck. OFF. In fact, Im not only disappointed in the fandom. Im disappointed in the entire team who some should know better from their OWN personal experiences - or at least the bare minimal of being a fucking adult. Im disappointed in especially females (sorry idk whether girl or woman is more appropriate here-) who statistically are more likely to have experienced something similar at some point in their lives think this is a cute gay moment. No. Angel is made out as a fucking predator - Im not saying he is, Im saying that his persistence is very fucking unwelcome like one. People like Husk dont need that fucking invasiveness. They/We need patience and someone on our level. Angel’s I know are the fuckin polar opposite - and some of them I know are very sexually harassing, including unwanted touching. It’s a shitty way to present gay people. Gays are fuckin people. Some are cunts and some arent. It’s a HUMAN thing. But considering the shit theyve been subjected to, presenting a gay as a victim only to also show them as a perpetrator is insulting! And for those Ive seen argue this about how people like AD wouldnt know how to express their love normally and whatnot? His pig. His best friend. He’s in his fucking 30s. There are literal real life criminals who get molested as kids and then go on to molest kids. Not all who grow up like that turn into nonces. Stop just fucking STOP justifying and romanticising this bullshit! I used to see the good in AD but now he makes me fucking sick. Especially with my verrrrrry fucking real traumas and connections. But fuck me, eh? Because this fictional guy matters so much more. Fuck real victims. And whilst we’re at it, fuck AD too when it suits your fetishes! Sarcasm aside, the fans and the team need to straighten up their abhorrent behaviour. Stolas. Fucking clearly having an affair, knowingly fucking up his daughter’s mental health and bribing a guy into sex who only wants the book and nothing more. He even has a fucking warning button over Stolas- Guys, how do you think any of this is cute? Even the team gross me out- I genuinely see potential and talent and it’s all gone to shit to satisfy horny teens, horny adults, and literally everyone who doesnt for the life of them understand being an adult is more than sex, drugs, violence and swears! I REALLY want to keep enjoying HB/HH but it’s getting harder and harder with such ignorant and bordering lazy creators (note: lazy as in wont do the fucking research or actually listen to real criticism and victims), such despicable fans (yeah, some HDers fuckin mocked that they triggered my ED, yet they had the fucking NERVE to support Angel’s potential ED AND laugh and blame me for me getting treated so badly for actually having the balls to call Angel and the teams hypocrisy. I got told to kill myself, that my problems arent real - oh but Angels apparently is! Which... They *are* but AD isnt real so technically only onlookers will suffer and not a drawing  - and they just excused their toxic behaviours. These people are like “aww poor angie babey!” yet fuckin INSULT sex workers. All this red in Hazbin yet it feels everyone and they mama colour blind. The issues are getting worse and fans are outright becoming EVIL, VILE, Vindictive little bullies - from kids to adults. You SHOULD be ashamed of yourself if you conduct yourself in such a manner. And you need to readjust your attitudes and behaviours because the only fuckers getting hurt are actual fucking victims. Ever been violated and been gaslit so much you STILL fucking question it’s reality? So you drown that shit out yet somehow it’s effects still hit you? Fetishise it. Make it your uwu gae couple goals, you’re no better than people believing Harley and the Joker werent toxic af. If this shit happened to you, most of you would actually SEE where we’re all coming from. Also, stop making gay a fetish - you’re like those creepy old men in the alley heckling lesbians to make out so they can wank off. Gays, no ALL the LGBT+ are fucking people too. So dont give me that bullshit then start turning everything just gay or just straight to mentally wank off to. It’s degrading and dehumanising. And yes, fiction does effect reality. You crush on a fictional character? Mourn one? Support one? Hell, fuckin jerk off to one - that’s affecting reality. Remember how in fiction all blacks were treated as villians? Look how theyre treated IRL. JAWS, great classic unfortunately their was a spike in shark killings over a fucking movie - the shark in the movie wasnt even real for the most part because they dont behave like that! (Also the animatronic was so shit they genuinely had so many issues - I think they even took to naming each one! Some fun trivia there!). Tiger sharks are more nasty than great whites as tiger sharks will hunt and eat a human. Great whites prefer seals and dislike human flesh, they just mistake us for seals. Hell, theres the toothless basking shark - theyre often SWAM WITH by divers for being so friendly. Yet Jaws made people think all sharks are bloodlusting over humans. Slenderman was created for a fucking contest and that influenced a stabbing (NOT Victor’s fault). Watch a horror movie that isnt based on a real life event and tell me that at least ONE has left you peaking over your shoulder. Stella may be a bitch - we dont know for certain - but try getting cheated on. Y’know what? Try growing up in such a broken home like Octavia. Yeah reaaaaaal fucking cute now, huh? Funny how as well y’all petition for male victims to be taken seriously then laugh when fictional males experience this abuse, further adding to stigma. You can be hit on by the hottest mf on the planet but if you arent interested, that should be respected! Also we’ve all been inspired by at least one fictional character so yeah. Yknow, since I was little Ive been fighting for sex worker and homeless rights. But HH/HB treatment of both leave a bitter taste in my mouth. I’ll still fully support sex workers and the homeless, but that’s the fucking effect this show is having. Bearing in mind I wont ever share everything Ive been through - and I shouldnt fucking have to in order to be believed and validated (obvs proof is required in a legal case but that’s a whole other topic). Why should I share MY fucking pain especially when you fuckers have belittled and triggered it more so? We have our rights to our secrets but fuck ME you lot NEED to start acting appropriately and like decent fucking humans. ‘iTs HeLl’ yeah and welcome to Earth- the team and yourselves live HERE. You obide by THESE rules. And as someone with beliefs (and a LOT of ancient fucking texts and studies on this shit) their Hell isnt even a proper Hell! It’s closer to purgatory and even then it’s not. Regardless, it’s a poorly built world with the lore consistently changing per episode and tweet, with many plot holes, and is apparently easy to get into - even via accidentally watching porn according to a stream. If youre gonna parade youre a fucking expert and research into demonology and use real believed figures, at least get THAT right. In fact, Lucifer and Lilith (and Stolas tbf) are ESPECIALLY risky as theyre a lot more complex than most easy access texts will tell you. Likewise, Stolas’s first introduction and main focus is sex. He’s one of the FEW Goetia demons that dont have some involvement in relationship issues at ALL. He’s known for astrology, crystals and herbs but hes also known to aid MONEY troubles (it’s lesser known but it’s true! HB Stolas is an insult to the Prince). Turning Vodou into something evil is vile considering it’s powerful and liberated slaves. Pentagrams are nothing to do with Satan, they’re magic based sigils. Upside down cross is the symbol of a SAINT. It’s just some edgy attempt to trick people into believing they know more than they do. Also you should NEVER dabble and doodle sigils without knowing the meanings or respecting what they behold. Vox and Val, real fuckin cute way to make them look like a stupid fucking highschool drama instead of a fucking SEX TRAFFICKER (note: real pimps often target YOUNG folks too - aka minors - and groom them into sex work. Theres different types of pimp. Viv has shown barely any understanding of ‘the game’ and its a fucking insult to injury. Yes we KNOW what a fucking pimp and prozzie are! We dont need to see it. We need REAL AWARENESS.) and a fucking scheming bastard of a CEO salesman botman. And yet even THEN lets go a step further and make some yandere wuv on boyfweind aboose! Fuck off- Now I love a good anime but these tropes are getting fucking dangerous now. And unrealistic to real love and relationships. Kids nowadays know fuck all on a healthy relationship (neither did the fuckin 50s tbf) and Im seeing more romaticism and glorifying abusive situations. Like the show ‘You’. Ok, there’s a fuckin bloke online who slaughtered innocents and kidnapped yet people commented how cute he is on his IG and that they want to be kidnapped or killed by him next. Dont believe me? Look up Peter Manfredonia Connecticut and the comments people left him and then tell me why shit like whats being presented in HH/HB ISNT fucking concerning - because it is. For a series about redemption, it’s brilliant at the opposite (Quote from the creator herself, Viv has posted that it’s influencing her bad choices. Even as a joke, proof’s in the pudding). And the overall focus on sex in the way Viv does is so immature and really creepy, and this is from an ADULTS perspective. From one adult to another, Im concerned as to why any of them think this is a normal fixation. Then again they’ve hired quite a large amount of dodgy folks and even a child. Most of this shit gets avoided with a basic background check like most companies run. I DO like Hazbin. Or the premise. I love some of the cast and spite the others. In Helluva, I just like a tiny portion of the cast. And I critique it so harshly because Viv DOES need a wakeup slap, grounding to reality, people who arent going to big her up or kiss her arse for once and shape her up to be the best she can be. The actually reach and even surpass her potential. And to reach where you need to be, there’s a lot of harsh lessons youll face. That’s life. Shes chosen one of the most HEARTLESS industries and if she blocks out critique as ‘hate’ then she’s not strong enough and wont last. It’s just another unprepped YanDev again (except I dont believe Viv to be a nonce. Even with her dodgy past and dodgy present, I think her perspective on sex and relationship with sexuality is FAR from healthy BUT I dont believe she’s a pedophile. Ive bled my fair share and so far, I just think her sex perspective isnt healthy or mature for her age. But there’s little to nothing to suggest actual noncery - dont worry about accusations there. But YanDev is totally a dirty predator. Just clearing that up). Viv NEEDS some harshness and stability if she wants to do things right. And it’ll make her fucking cry but if she loves these projects as much as she claims to, then you’ll sacrifice blood, sweat and tears for that shit. Even the strongest points are mediocre at best when properly observed. She CAN do more, but she’ll have to face the harsh music. Viv wont see this, but if she does, I dont care if it upsets her. Why? Because this is that much of an issue - something she’s cultivated - that she needs to take action and not ignore it or be secretive about it. She needs to grow up and get tougher skin. Im not saying this to cause her pain. In fact, I wouldnt waste my fucking limited time if I DIDNT care. Trust me, I have duties to be met at a certain quota every single day. I say this shit only because I give a shit and care. If we met, she’d fucking hate me. But people like me are good for shaping people up to their potential. And we arent always this ‘tough love’ either. But when someone needs that level of harshness to help themselves, we’re not afraid to lose people or cause upset if the results end up being the best for them. If she ever saw this, she needs to re fucking evaluate her message, her story, and those she’s choosing to welcome into her circle. And all Im seeing is one rookie mistake after the other. Her paid patreon discord. Just like the messages Honest has posted on her side of being harassed (not in Vivs fyi), Ive experienced shit and bullying and even stay silent on their for being attacked for a group I fuckin paid to be in and yet I feel isolated. It’s all arsekissing and ‘thank you viv’ (thats an actual channel-) and it feels like a place of borderline worship and people trying to appease her 24/7 whilst kicking others with different opinions down. There’s so many I love but I aint kissin yer fuckin arse. Ask the closest friend I have - we’re fucking raw and wont just side with each other just because. We’ll call each other out if we think they’ve fucked up and then help each other build themselves up better. Because real fuckin people who actually care wont just want to be adored by you. They’ll care enough to point out your bullshit and help you, even if they upset you at the time. They’re real and upfront with you. People like us arent always the easiest to be close to either because we arent afraid of upsetting someone if it’s in their best interest and to help them. Likewise, we dont go out looking for fights either. Most times, we’re fuckin soft bastards- All this shit listed is the fuckin surface level of the real life hell of this fandom. And unsurprisingly, those who experience little to no toxicity have always been higher on that popularity ‘food chain’ - enough admirers and shared opinions that people wanna arse kiss regardless of their OWN feelings as well as neutral perspectives. I’d say you’re the lucky fans, but you’re not. You’re sheltered, and that isnt always the best way to be sadly. As for the fans. If Ive upset you. Well... I dont care. Because many of you have actively sought me out and weaponised my traumas against me. You never cared about my feelings then. Why should I care about yours? Im not doing this out of malice. Im fed up of humans behaving so pathetically yet claiming to be high and mighty. Most of you have been arseholes to those in and out of the community. The victims and non-victims alike. Hardly any of you considered once my real suffering. You put a drawing over a life. Many lives. You had the audacity to tell me Im full of shit. Some even using my real traumas to make a mockery of me and those Im around with a very similar history. Some with traumatic histories that differ from my own. You hardly ever considered the real lives of those effected. So no, Im not sorry for having the fucking balls to this day to still stand up for our rights and give us a voice that’s long been stolen. Im not sorry for being a fucking victim. Im not sorry for saying what desperately NEEDS voicing. And Im not sorry for not conforming to you or any fandom just to belong. We deserve better than to constantly be your fuckin arse monkeys (well... the trope is butt monkey but yknow-) and to be mistreated, misrepresented and harmed by you. You’re no different to the school bullies who give speeches on anti-bullying day. And I hope every single one of you starts looking into yourselves and improving. PS: Depending on the texts you read, Lucifer is said to have been redeemed or to be redeemed. Fun fact to haunt yalls with~ “

[ghost-nabbers-imagines]

👶 The baby is mine isnt it? Larry x reader

Ok so two things about this request. One, this is Larry's I have one started for Sal but really wanted to get this one up And two, a trigger warning is in effect. And in both instances the husband or boyfriend is an asshole who does not treat you well but it's going to be bad in Sal's.

Larry

I never meant to be the kinda guy who slept with another man's girlfriend. People who cheated on their partners were assholes and I wasn't like that. However, Sebastian was worse than any other asshole I've ever met. I've always thought he treated (Y/n) terribly and that she deserved better. I mean the guy treated her like shit, he was constantly poking fun at her, and making her feel bad about herself.

The day the affair happened she showed up at my door crying about how he had apparently cheated on her with a friend of his. We spent the night at my place hanging out like always except we got a bit too drunk and ended up having sex. It was the best sex I'd ever had with anyone and I knew that my love for her was genuine. I thought she felt the same way about me, I thought she would leave him and finally be mine. But I was so wrong.

She all but promised me she was leaving him that they were done. She told me she was leaving him for good this time, but a month later they were back together and she was avoiding me all together. I noticed she was different after that, more closed off, distant, almost scared. It was two months after that Ashley informed us that (Y/n) was pregnant. The news broke my heart and shocked me to my core.

It took me two weeks to get fed up with my feelings and to tell myself I had to to confront her about it. Pulling my hood up over my messy brown hair I trudged down the snow covered pavement. My hands were trembling and my mouth was dry, not because of the weather but from nerves to how she'd be towards me. Had I become a dirty secret that she wanted to hide away? Did she lie when she said she'd always felt that way?

As I knocked on her door a million ways this could go wrong flashed through my head. 'Shes pregnant with his baby what are you doing here?' My head practically screamed at me. Before I could turn and run the lock clicked and the door opened. (Y/n) peaked her head through the door her eyes widening when she saw me. She stepped out into the hallway closing the door.

"Hey Larry."

"Hey really that's all you have to say?"

"I'm sorry I know this is hard to understand right now but please try and believe me I'm doing what's best."

"I thought you were leaving him but now all of a sudden your pregnant?"

"Larry I wanted to leave I did but the baby changed things."

"Did you know you were pregnant when we slept together?"

"N-no I swear I-"

"And what about how much we drank that night? Did you tell the doctor you had gotten drunk within the first month?"

"Larry-"

"No please explain to me how you could be so damn careless. Not just to me but to the baby. And with everything you've told me about that jackass how could you want to raise a kid with him? Do you seriously think he'll get any better? For fucks sake (Y/n) are you really gonna let him treat your kid that bad?"

I truly didn't want to be yelling at her but I couldn't help it I was angry and hurt. Silent tears were cascading down her cheeks falling to the floor. Part of me wanted so badly to wrap my arms around her and stop her tears but the other part of me was focused on the pain in my chest. She didn't bother to wipe her tears away till the door clicked open again. Sebastian stepped out a frown already plastered on his face.

He glared at me in a way animals look at their rivals. It took every ounce of strength I had to not pounce on him, however whether I liked it or not he was still the father of her child. She would need him and that almost angered me even more. "What's going on here?" He asked putting his arm around (Y/n)'s shoulders making her flinch. I clenched my jaw shut balling my hands up into fists in my hoodie pockets.

"Nothing. I was just leaving." I scoffed turning to leave. "Wait Larry please." (Y/n) pleaded in a broken voice making me stop in my tracks. "Yeah. Larry (Y/n) hasn't told you the good news yet." He said in an odd voice. I turned to face the two, (Y/n) was looking away fresh tears pooling in her eyes. He had a boastful smile as he lifted up her left hand revealing a small diamond ring.

I like a sharp knife had pierced right into my heart at the sight. (Y/n) couldn't face me but she had tears falling down her face again. "We're engaged. Right after graduation we're getting married and then moving to Santa Fe with my mom." He informed me. "Congrats. You deserve each other really." I spat turning to leave their building. I felt numb but also broken as I made my way home.

What was the point of any of this any more? The girl I'd been in love with since fifth grade was pregnant and engaged to another man. I had truly lost her for good. I hated thinking I had become just another regret to her. Our drunken one night stand was nothing but that to her while I had hoped it would be the first of many times I'd get to be intimate with the girl i loved.

With slumped shoulders and silent tears I made my way into the apartments. Sal would be with Ashley so I knew I could get what I needed from his apartment. I grabbed the bottle of pills petting Gizmo on my way out. Next I went out to the treehouse turning on some of my favorite music taking a seat in a bean bag chair. I sat pondering the whole situation while staring at the bottle of pills now sitting on my shelf.

"She chose him over you." The voice in my head whispered. I squeezed my eyes shut trying to focus on the lyrics and drown out the voice. "They're going to get married, and have their baby and you'll just be a bad memory she wants to forget." The voice continued. I cranked up the music louder pressing my hands to my ears but it was no use. The voice was in my head, and unfortunately it was right.

Finally giving in I quickly scratched a note for mom and Sal. Once it was finished I began taking the pills followed by a swig of Fireball I kept up in my treehouse. I didn't cry or feel angry it was like something inside me was urging me to continue to take the pills. I made sure to include an apology about taking the pills to Sal in my note. Pretty soon there was only a small amount of pills left and I was feeling almost relieved.

As I took the last pill I leaned back in my beanbag chair my eyes landing on a Polaroid of (Y/n) and I. It had been taken by Sal just two weeks before the affair. Despite the drowsiness overwhelming me I picked up the picture a sad weak smile on my face. (Y/n) had a really bad day at school between Sebastian being a dick and apparently having her period, she ended up borrowing my jacket so she could tie her jacket around her waist. That's when it clicked in my head.

I tried to do the math in my head but I was slipping into unconsciousness quicker than I could add. The world began to get darker and darker. The last thing I saw before I passed out was (Y/n)'s beautiful face. I felt like such an idiot. Now both my girl and my baby would be stuck with that monster.

The next thing I knew I was standing across from my own corpse. "No! No I take it back! I'm not ready! I don't want to die!" I screamed at my slumped over body. Black opaque tears began to fall from my eyes never landing on the floor but disappearing mid air. "No you asshole! The babys yours! Wakeup and go save them before it's too late!" I yelled at my corpse. It was too late, I'd truly lost them both for good now because of my issues.

"Larry dear dinner is ready!" I heard my mom call from the ground. My poor mom would he the one to find me rather than Sal or anyone else. I felt even guiltier for leaving my mom alone. First my dad disappears on her now I kill myself? I felt selfish for leaving so may people behind.

"I'm so sorry mom." I whispered unmaterializing so she wouldnt see me. I stood there and listened as she called me once more still not getting any response. She began climbing the treehouse ladder mumbling something if I was asleep up here in this weather she'd kick my ass. My ghostly tears quickened hearing my mom's voice. When she reached the top of she immediately noticed the bottles and my body.

"Oh no oh god! Larry!" She screamed tears falling down her face. She kneeled next to my body her hand reaching up to feel my forehead. I could practically still feel her warmth but she felt how cold my body was. "Someone help! Please oh god be ok Lar Bear!" She screamed through sobs. She turned me on my side trying to get me to vomit.

Henry came running out to the bottom of the treehouse. "Lisa what is it what's wrong?" He asked in the same panicked voice Sal has sometimes. My mom tried and failed getting me to throw up the pills. "Call 911 Henry hurry!" She sobbed. Henry shakily pulled out his phone and ordered for an ambulance to come quickly before joining my mom in the treehouse.

"Oh no Larry." He said in a saddened voice as he knelt down next to mom who was cradling my head in her lap sobbing and taking her fingers through my hair. "My poor Lar bear." She choked out. I kneeled next to them placing my hand on my mom's shoulder making her turn and face where I was confused. I knew she wasnt ready to see me yet but I kept my hand there till the sirens came.

I watched from the treehouse as the loaded my body into a bag and into an ambulance. My mom and Henry went with a couple officers leaving me alone. After rematerializing I debated going into the actual apartments and talking to Megan but before I could I heard someone shouting my name. "Larry? Larry! Did you think that was funny? Because it was a really sick fucking joke." Sal's shaky voice yelled. I looked down to see him climbing up the treehouse.

Taking a deep breath I stood back preparing to deal with a very hurt best friend. When he got up to the treehouse he was shaking and had clearly been crying before. His eyes wondered up and down my ghost form seeing that it was in fact not a joke. "No. Not you. How could do this? How could you leave?" He said through a sob. "I'm sorry Sally Face. I left you and my mom a note. I went to see (y/n) today and Sebastian said they were getting married and moving so I lost it. I felt broken so I came back here to do this." I explained.

He shook his head sadly using his sleeve to wipe under the prosthetic. "I'm sorry Sal the voices got to me. By the time I realized the truth it was too late." I said apologizing. "Realized what truth?" He asked confused. "I found that picture the one you took remember?" I explained pointing towards the picture.

Despite being hurt and angry he leaned down grabbing the Polaroid. "Yeah that's the day you spent like all night cheering up (Y/n) and making her smile as much as you possibly could." He said confused as to why this was important. "Do you remember why I had to give (Y/n) my hoodie even though she's got a flannel around her waist?" I asked pointing to her in the picture. Sal went to speak but before he did his eyes got wide and he looked up to me.

"Oh my god dude!" He yelled shocked. "I know. I'm an asshole and now I'm no better than my dad." I said sadly. For along time I had a constant battle in my head about why my dad had left and why he didnt want me. Now here I was abandoning my baby and (Y/n). It made me hate myself even more to think about.

"But Larry you have to stop her from going!"

"How the hell do I do that when I'm stuck here? Not to mention, what would I say 'oh hey i know I'm dead and all but since you're pregnant with my baby you should stay in town and not marry that fuck head of a boyfriend of yours."

"You have to do something Larry. I mean she can actually see you and the baby will able to too."

"You're right as always little dude. Just hopefully she'll come over here after I was so horrible."

Not even minutes later we could here someone calling for both Sal and I. The voice was sad and scared but i recognized it immediately. "Go ahead hide for a second I'll try to break it to her." Sal said. I nodded unmaterializing as Sal and I made our way down from the treehouse it seemed like I could only go as far as the ground underneath the treehouse. The sight of (Y/n) almost hurt worse than that of my mom.

Her eyes were red and puffy and she had tear streaks down her slightly pink cheeks. She had a hand on her stomach the other clutching the necklace that had been a birthday present from me. I'd recognize the guitar pick anywhere it had been one I'd gotten at a Santiy's fall concert that she'd been to sick to go to. "Tell me it's not true Sal. Tell me it wasnt him." She pleaded crying. Sal pulled off his mask before comfortingly grabbing one of her hands.

"I'm so sorry (Y/n). But you should know he loved you so much." Sal said as she gradually lost it more at his words. She began shaking her head her other hand covering her mouth. "No! No no it's not true it's not true!" She cried out sinking to the ground. My heart ached and screamed for me to hold her but I knew I couldn't yet. Sal crouched down next to her placing a gentle hand on her back.

"(Y/n) do you remember what Larry and I told you about this place. About how we showed you Megan?" He asked trying to ease her into the subject. She looked up sniffling thinking for a brief minute. "About the ghosts? I thought we made all that stuff up." She said tears still falling down her precious face. Sal shook his head before answering "it was all real Megan was real. If you die in this building you stay here. Larry is still here." He told her. She let out another small sob.

"Where is he?" She asked looking towards the treehouse. I took a deep breath and materialized making her eyes widen in shock and she stood up quickly. "I'll give you some time alone." Sal said excusing himself. I turned my stare to the ground I couldn't look at her knowing what I had done. "Oh Larry. I'm so sorry this is all my fault." She said sadly. I finally looked up at her meeting her sad eyes.

"No I'm sorry. I was an asshole. A jealous fucking asshole and I'm so sorry."

"Larry theres something you should know. About-"

"The babys mine isnt it?"

She nodded and I felt myself begin to weep again. I fell to my knees the pain of this whole situation hitting me again. She moved in front of me and I wrapped my arms around her waist letting my head barely lean against her stomach. Her arms hovering around my neck. I sobbed into her stomach till I felt something gently nudge my cheek.

I looked up to face (Y/n) confused but she gave me a weak smile moving my hand to her stomach placing hers next to mine. "She's kicking." She whispered. Sure enough I felt the smallest little nudge once again. My face broke out into a grin. "She? I have a daughter?" I asked happily. She nodded giggling "Yes Larry we're gonna have a little girl."

My grin only got bigger as I stood up pulling her into as much of a hug as I could manage. "I fucking love you (y/n). I know i can't really be what you need considering I'm a ghost but I want to be a part of your life and our little girl's life." I told her pulling away from the hug but continuing to hold her hands. When I looked down I saw her hand no longer had a ring. "I want that too bear. I told Sebastian earlier it was over. That I wanted to be with my baby's actual father. He yelled and threatened me but I had already packed up my stuff and left. I was heading here when the ambulances passed me. I asked someone out front and they told me the young stoner Overdosed in the treehouse." She said frowning. "I'll have Sal fix my note to mom so she knows about you." I told her knowing despite my moms broken heart she would love to take care of her grandbaby and sort of daughter in law.

"Does Lisa know about any of this? Or about you still being here?" She asked. "No I haven't talked to her about it yet. She asked why you weren't coming over anymore I just told her you were back with him. And I dont think shes ready to see me just yet." I explained making her nod her head. Sal came back out his prosthetic back on but I could tell he too had been crying. "Hey Sal can you grab my note from the treehouse I need to have you change something." I asked smiling at my best friend. He smiled back climbing the treehouse before returning with the note and a pen.

"Tell my mom what happened, that I thought I was losing them both and how much I really longed for (y/n) to be mine and the baby to be mine. And add that Henry was the best step dad I could have asked for." I told him. He scribbled everything down as close to my handwriting as he could get before folding the note back up. "(Y/n) you can stay with me tonight if you'd like and go to Lisa's tomorrow." Sal told (Y/n). She turned back towards me smiling softly. "I'd ask to stay in the treehouse with you but I take it you won't want me climbing up there and everything. I laughed shaking my head. "I'll be watching over you dont worry." I promised.

~your pov~

The next morning I made my way down to Lisa's apartment with a lasagna I had picked up the stuff to have Sal help with. From the outside of the door I could hear Lisa's soft crying coming from inside. Taking a deep breath I knocked on the door. After a couple minutes the door opened to reveal Henry. "You hang out with the boys, (Y/n) right?" He asked observing my growing belly. I forced myself to nod with a smile before answering "Yeah Hi Mr. Fisher. I wanted to bring this by for Lisa."

A moment later Lisa appeared next to Henry. "(Y/n) sweetheart come in." She sniffled offering me a broken smile. Henry let me in and took the lasagna to the kitchen for me. Lisa pulled me into a hug holding me tightly. She was wearing her pajamas but with one of Larry's jackets on. "He loved you so much dear I hope you know that." She said with a small sob.

"I know Lisa. I loved him too. I'm so sorry this is my fault. If I had just told him the truth about the baby, or if I hadn't been so scared of Sebastian he'd still be here. I'm so so sorry." I choked out feeling myself break down into tears again. Lisa pulled away pushing some of my hair back. "Now dont you talk like that Larry wouldn't want you blaming yourself or stressing about his actions. We'll all miss him of course but he wouldnt want you to be in so much pain in this state. He loved you and if you're saying what I think you are he would have loved this baby too. It's not your fault you were in an impossible situation." She told me sternly. I nodded trying to wipe away some of the tears. "The babys a girl. I wanted so badly to go tell Larry when I found that out. But Sebastian said if I talked to him there wouldn't be a baby to talk about." I admitted making Lisa frown before smiling and putting a comforting arm around me as we sat on the couch.

"Where are you staying dear?" She asked taking a sip from a mug on the coffee table. "I stayed with Sal last night once I found out about Larry. I was coming over here to talk to him about our baby but I got here too late." I sniffled. I pulled the picture from my pocket, I had brought a copy of the ultrasound picture for Lisa. She smiled grabbing the picture. "Is this her?" She asked. I nodded smiling at the picture of my daughter and her granddaughter.

"I hope she has Larry's eyes." I sighed. "Hopefully she doesn't have his nose. My father gave him that nose and he hated it. I cant imagine it's a trait he'd want to pass on." Lisa said with a pained laugh. "Oh god yeah. I kinda hope she does. It'd be like having a little Larry running around." I laughed. "What if you moved into Larry's room? I couldn't stand the idea of getting rid of his things or donating any of it." She suggested looking up from the photo. "Are you sure I dont want to impose Lisa especially with everything that's happened." I asked. She shook her head smiling. "Of course dear. I could use more family right now." She smiled.

~Third person pov~

Over the next couple months you lived happily with Lisa helping her around the house while she helped you with baby stuff. You spent most of your time after school hanging out with Larry in the treehouse. Sal and Lisa went with you to your appointments. Sal would take his walkie and let Larry listen in each time. Of course when you'd get back you'd go straight to him and talk to him about it anyways. As the baby was born and got older Larry was an amazing father in your opinion. He was always there for you and your child.

~Lex💛

[nahalism]

Why the choice of celibacy? I’ve been thinking to try it myself but I’m not sure.

oh gosh lol. there are a few reasons why and some probably need a trigger warning so, ill split this into two parts, the first explaining the reasons why and the second with what i got from it (so if u are trigger prone u can infer why without the details) —firstly, my mums from a tribe where its tradition to practice female genital mutilation, and its actually something she was shamed for not continuing. so despite her efforts to shelter us from that, sex was not something openly discussed. ever. and if sexual content ever came up (on tv ect) it always felt like something debauched and provocative that i should b embarassed of. children r sponges so ofc, i inadvertantly picked up on her attitudes and conditioning & inherited that shame. that shame only got worse once i did get sexual urges and begin to explore them because it was toward both girls and boys and i wasnt bout to b telling my mum i kissed my best friend under the table of my catholic school when i was 5 :). so yh.... in addition to repressing that, i then went on to b exposed to porn and introduced/groomed for sex at farrrr too young an age and that shit sent me over the edge cause i was already moving like a social chameleon, so those experiences just added to emotional disconnect i was suffering from and led me to enact sex and sexuality from what id been told opposed to what i felt. all those experiences heightened my inability to feel anything at all, let alone express myself from a place of authenticity. so, in that sexuality and sex became solely performative, and rather than being a natural expression of my feelings or something that i enjoyed or felt present during, i would only actually enjoy it in as far as a tool for ‘control’. back then almost every relationship i had was built on trauma bonding so id get myself into these mad situations that were emotionally, mentally and borderline physically abusive because the intense emotional bursts mixed with heavy lust and would blind me to peoples true natures and the fact that under it all we had nothing but pain in common and didnt even really like eachother. ultimately sexuality became a coping mechanism and a way to ‘diffuse situations’. i used it appease people rather than enjoy it as something fun or as the the result of intimacy. id use the fact i could allure my partners or turn them on to keep them ‘close’ to me, but also to feel useful. i liked the idea (and trust me it was just an idea) that i was the only one that could get these avoidant, sometimes mean and apparantly emotional people to be ‘calm’ or get them to a state of ‘tenderness’.

so yeah. i felt that it was important to be celibate. not only to start healing and deconstructing all the external conditioning id recieved, but so that as i did start to feel myself out and get a picture of what my self worth was and what my sexual energy looked and felt like, i could marinate in it for a while and let it blossom, before sharing it in its early stages and risk having it be warped and moulded by an outside force again. its been great for my self awareness, getting in tune with what i feel opposed to getting trapped in thinking so much. its been good for my mental clarity too, great for my creativity and over all brought me closer to nature and my ‘creator/higher self’. in terms of relationships its a process and you cant do all the work alone, but what it has done is given me the clarity to discern. by waiting or taking sex out of the picture altogether there are no distractions left. you either like the person or you dont, and that makes it easier to navigate trust and building a truer sense of presence and intimacy with someone, opposed to lust which can give the illusion of closeness but be something else altogether. all in all, what celibacy does for you is all up to how mindfully you spend the time in which yiur celibate. abstaining from sex alone may be useful depending what your intentions are, but if what you want is to increase self awareness and embark on self realisation celibacy is just a small (albiet helpful & useful) part of it. whilst it will heighten the results of your practice, there is no substitute for doing the the inner work

[malakhai-ozera]

Discord Thread || Khai and Landon

Discord thread featuring: Malakhai Ozera and Landon Davies

When: September 9th

Mentions: Roman Beckett, Jaycee Lynd, Dorian Taylor, and Aaron Hart

Description:Landon asks Khai to come over after Khai texts him a song about how he feels.

Trigger Warning:  NSFW!!!

Khai. Khai had definitely been pushing his luck a bit when it came to  texting Landon. He had asked for space, and Khai was just not doing too well with that at all. Ever since they hooked up at the party, Landon was all he could think about. He wanted to be close to him and he wanted to talk with him about what they had done. He couldn’t help but feel a bit used though after immediately being shut out again. Wondering if Landon regretted being with him and if it was only the alcohol that swayed his decision. Quite honestly the possibility of that really hurt. But, regardless of the fact that he had spent most of his time in bed nearly every day since the party ended. He continued to be persistent. He wanted Landon to know he didn’t regret being with him at all. That he still wanted him,  maybe even more so now. He was pressing his luck and to be honest, he was scared he might actually be pushing him away. But there was a sense of relief when Landon finally invited him out to dinner. The sting of “as friends” was better than nothing at all wasn’t it? It wasn’t until khai sent him the song that had been on repeat in his head for days, that Landon completely shocked him. Asking him to come over and causing his heart to literally skip a beat in his chest. He could feel his stomach doing little flips the entire ride as he made his way to his friends house. His heart racing as his hands shook nervously, his palms sweaty. What was about to happen? Was Landon going to tell him enough was enough and to move the hell on? Or was this actually about to move toward something be had been wanting for months. Which ever way it went, Khai was scared out of his mind. He hadn’t felt like this for anyone since Roman and Jaycee and even with how he felt for Dorian, this was different. Landon was the one person he had ever fallen for without actually falling into their bed first. It was something he wasn’t used to and definitely something he was in no way prepared for. It was more than sex and more than friendship between them, but what was it exactly? Did he actually love this man? He sat outside in his car for a few minutes as he tried to collect himself. His thoughts were racing through a million different scenarios and he had smoked a whole blunt to his head. He grabbed his Gucci cologne and sprayed it on his red jumper before getting out of his car. He wasn’t sure if Elle was here or not, but he didn’t want to arrive smelling like a whole damn pot tree. He knocked on Landon’s door as his heart continued to pound out of control. His breathing shaky as he took a few deep breaths in and he waited for the other to answer the door.

LANDON Landon didn’t regret the night they spent together at the party. It was everything he thought sex with Khai would be and more. Things the morning after weren’t as easy. He could remember the hurt look on Roman’s face when he saw them kissing and the way he ran out of there without another backward glance. And when he found out his ex relapsed after that? It completely devastated him. How could he explore whatever he and Khai when it was hurting someone else so much; someone he cared about. Landon knew that he was also hurting Khai by saying they needed space but he didn’t know what else to do. He didn’t know how to make everyone happy. It was impossible. His perspective changed after his talk with Roman. The idea of him and Khai still terrified him because he didn’t know what to expect. But at least he had Roman’s blessing now and that made all the difference, even if he still wasn’t sure his ex was being completely truthful. He planned on talking to Khai about it when he got back from his holiday, give him some time to think things through and relax and wasn’t bluffing when he told him their dinner would be just as friends. Then he sent him that song. And it changed everything. Landon could hear what the other was trying to tell him and...he couldn’t ignore it any longer. So he told him to come over, right there and then. Landon couldn’t even remember the last time he was so nervous and he had literally nothing prepared but at least Elle was at a friend’s for a sleepover. He almost ran to the door when he heard the knock and, with one last deep breath, opened it. “Hey”, he said as soon as he saw Khai waiting on the other side. Landon moved to the side to let him walk in and led the way to the living room. “I was actually thinking of ordering a pizza so...I don’t have dinner ready. Sorry about that.”

Khai. He was looking down at his feet and fidgeting when Landon pulled open the door. His eyes gazing up at him as he felt his heart stop once again. Wow, he was not expecting just the sight of Landon to take his breath away, but there he was. Standing there with his lips parting open into an idiotic grin. “Hey, babe” his voice almost squeezed as he greeted him. Clearing his throat soon after and trying to play it off as he chuckled at himself. He followed Landon into his living room and he could feel his heart doing laps in his chest. “Yeah, no, that’s totally fine. No worries” he assured. His hands rubbing against his thighs as he looked around the room and debated on taking a seat. Honestly he wasn’t really thinking about food, or where to sit. All he kept thinking about was how badly he just wanted to go up to Landon and kiss him.  But he had to play this cool. He didn’t want to make his same typical mistakes and ruin things before they even began. “So... uh.... What kinda pizza you are you gonna order?” he asked as he looked over at Landon once again. His pupils giving away his feelings as the dilated just at the sight of him.

LANDON This was a little awkward but it wasn't anything Landon wasn't already expecting. It was the first time they were seeing each other in person after the party and it was clear they both weren't sure of what to say or do. Landon took a seat and gestured for Khai to do the same then he got out his phone to order pizza. "My go-to is usually mushrooms, ham and olives but if you tell me your preference I'll order it for you as well." Landon was going to use the time spent discussing pizza toppings to try and figure out what he was going to say to Khai. It wasn't easy, putting himself on the line like this, and he was terrified but he also knew that they couldn't go on like this for much longer. Something had to happen and, at this point, he knew it was up to him to make it happen.

Khai. He took a seat beside Landon as he gestured for him to join him. Leaning back into the couch and draping his arm over his abdomen to try and hide his labored breathing. His heart was still pounding so fast, and even though he was mentally telling himself to chill the fuck out, it was incredibly hard to do. He was scared, and it was probably evident all over his face. He never had been good at hiding his expressions. Which most times proved to be a good thing. But right now, he just wanted to be chill and not make things awkward. He couldn’t help it though, he was so scared Landon was going to tell him that it was all a mistake and that they should  just keep things as friends. Not that it would necessarily be a bad thing if he did say that. But Khai had it so bad for Landon, which also happened to terrify him. He licked his lips as his friend stated his usual and he nodded his head. “That actually sounds really good to me” he replied. His hands rubbing on his thighs again as he tried to keep them from being so clammy. His body shifting forward as he rested his elbows on his knees. “Where’s Elle? Is she not here?” he asked. Just trying to make small talk to keep from letting things fall into an awkward silence.

LANDON With a few clicks on his phone, Landon ordered their food from his usual pizza place and put his phone away. He still wasn't entirely sure what he was going to say but he couldn't keep putting it off any longer. It was clear that Khai was nervous and he didn't want that to get worse while he took his sweet old time trying to come up with something to say. "Pizza's on its way and it's just going to be us today because Elle's at a sleepover with a friend." He was glad that his daughter was already making so many new friends, especially since it meant he could get the chance to talk to Khai without any interruptions or distractions. "I talked with Roman." Might as well get right to it.

Khai. He chewed his bottom lip and looked around the room again as Landon ordered their food. His eyes scanning over the pictures in frames as if he hadn’t been there a million times. It wasnt until he heard Landon putting his phone away that he brought his attention back to the smaller. A soft smile pulling at his lips as he said it would be just them. “That’s nice. I’m glad she’s making new friends... unless she’s with Des, that’s cool too” he chuckled. His giddiness was cut short though as soon as he heard the mention of Roman, and he nodded his head. “Okay” he breathed out. “What does that mean?” Of course Roman had told him that the two of them had talked. But he wanted to hear things from Landon. He wanted to know where he stood with everything and honestly, he wanted to know if he was okay.

LANDON "Des is probably there too. Those two are pretty much attached at the hip at this point but I'm glad they're both making other friends." Landon knew that Des and Elle were destined to be best friends for life but it was good to have other friends because there would come a point where they couldn't both be together all the time and would need others for help. What does that mean? That's a really good question and one Landon wasn't sure he had the answer to. "He said he's fine with it...with us, I mean. Even gave us his blessings", he joked, trying to ease the tension just a little bit. "I'm still scared...terrified actually. I want to trust you, I really do, but you know I don't have the best track record and I don't want to get hurt again. But I like you, I really do."

Khai. “Yeah, of course they are. Their best friends” he smiled. “I’m glad their making friends too though, it’ll be really good for them” he repeat his earlier statement. His eyes shifted to meet Landons as he informed him what Roman had said, and he chuckled softly again. “His blessing?” he repeated with slight amusement. His head nodding as Landon confessed that he was scared and really did like him. “I know, I’m scared too. I’m not stupid, Landon. I know I have a reputation and I know I’ve done a lot of shady things. I don’t really expect you to trust me, regardless of your own track record. Which is kinda bullshit honestly, those guys are idiots and I don’t really think he had anything to do with you. They just couldn’t realize a good thing when they had it.” He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly and pressing his lips together with a soft sigh. “I really like you, Landon. I have since the day we kissed in the bar. I thought it was obvious, but I knew it would be difficult. That’s the only reason I tried to move on. I thought you didn’t feel the same way, and I had no other choice. I just kept screwing things up because I still wanted you.” He couldn’t really believe he had just said that all out loud. Normally he was trying to prove himself through text, but now Landon was looking right into his eyes, and there was no hiding how vulnerable he really was to the situation. “ I don’t want to rush you, I never wanted to rush you Landon. All I’ve ever wanted was to just have a chance to show you how much you mean to me. Actually... that’s not all I’ve ever wanted. I’ve also wanted to be able to kiss you anytime I want. But that’s besides the point” he scoffed at himself.

LANDON Landon didn’t want to hurt him by saying that he had a reputation but it was the truth so he was grateful when Khai brought it up himself. It was hard for him to really believe and trust that Khai liked him when he was there for every person he dated. Landon was there when he was in a relationship with Jaycee and Roman. He was there when Khai spent the night with Ella and he picked him up to give him a lift to the theater. He was there for Emily...Dorian...what made him so different from the others? Khai was wrong. It had everything to do with him. Loren came back spewing bullshit about still loving him and then went to Jace before they could even try again because Landon wasn’t enough. Harry  didn’t want to deal with a husband who couldn’t even remember him so he left. He ruined things with Roman all those years ago even though he was still in love with him, over his own insecurities. Everything was his fault and he wasn’t looking forward to Khai figuring out the same thing. But Khai seemed so sure of what he was saying. Landon didn’t want to get hurt again but he was still hurting trying to keep himself away. “Well if you really want me...” Was he really going to do this? “Then get over here and kiss me.”

Khai. He really wished that he could give Landon a free pass to sort around inside his head. Maybe then he could understand a little better where he was coming from. The only reason all of those relationships failed, aside from his throuple, was because he couldn’t get over his feelings for Landon. Emily nearly beat the shit out of him when he confessed it to her, and Dorian, well he shattered him pretty good too. He didn’t want to do that to Landon, in fact, it was quite the opposite. He was ready to settle and had been for quite some time. He just needed the person he really wanted to reciprocate the notion. He knew that would he a challenge though. Not only because the two of them being together could hurt others that they loved, but also because he knew Landon blamed himself for all his past mishaped relationships. Khai knew better though. Landon just had a big heart and he was always so worried about hurting people and or being hurt himself. Khai tended to be the same way, just not so vocally. Which made this situation even more difficult, because neither one of them wanted anything more than to just be happy and have the people around them happy as well.  He was starting to get so deep in his thoughts about it all that the wind was completely knocked out of him with Landons next words. His eyes shifting down to his lips for a moment before reconnecting with his soft blues, and licking his lips. Without wasting another second or even giving Landon a chance to change his mind. He was moving closer and cupping his hands around the smallers face. His lips pressing firmly to Landon’s as he kissed him slowly savoring the taste of his mouth against his own.

LANDON The feeling of Khai’s lips on his confirmed that he was making the right choice. So while he was still terrified and didn’t have any idea what the future held for them, he didn’t regret it. Because he liked Khai, he liked him a lot, and Roman was right. It was useless fighting against it if they were both going to be miserable. And he knew other people might be hurt over it. Roman was probably not being honest, Aaron didn’t really like Khai and he didn’t even want to think about what Emily and Dorian would have to say to him if they saw him. But Landon couldn’t keep living his life according to what would make others happy. He tried doing that before and it ended in disaster. And Khai proved himself by waiting for him, especially after their hookup at the party. So he kissed him back and Landon enjoyed every second of it.

Khai. Kissing Landon felt like the most natural thing. Like their lips were made to be pressed against one another’s. Now that neither one of them were holding back, and they were completely sober. Well, mostly sober in Khai’s case. There was a different kind of passion to it. Their lips moving languidly against one another’s as Khai’s hands slid to the back of Landon’s head and grabbed two fist fulls of his hair. He hummed softly as his tongue slid slowly across Landons lower lip and he lifted up off of the couch. Pushing Landon back on to his back before pulling himself over him and reconnecting their lips. He let his body weight press down against the smallers as his tongue snaked between his lips and fully explored his mouth. His hand reaching back up and pulling at Landons hair as the other gripping firmly at his jawline. He was so damn addicted to the taste of Landons mouth already, he wasn’t sure he would ever be able to stop kissing him.

LANDON Landon knew that once he stopped fighting it and finally gave in it was going to rock his world but he didn't expect it to this extent. It was almost as if Khai wanted to make up for lost time and suddenly he found himself almost regretting not doing this straight after the party. It would have spared him a lot of worry and misery. He whined when the other grabbed onto his hair, grateful to know he remembered how sensitive Landon was there. Moving his own hands to Khai's back, he grabbed a fistful of his shirt and pulled on it to try and get it off.

Khai. Hearing Landon whine for him was so fucking sexy. It made his entire body crave to satisfy him as he continued to kiss him fervently. He felt the pull on the back of his shirt and he grinned against Landon’s lips. He hadn’t expected this to happen, but God, there was no way he could resist. He broke the kiss again only long enough for Landon to get his shirt off and he reached down to pull his off as well. His hands exploring all over the smallers chest as he leaned back in to kiss him again. “You’re so fucking sexy” he breathed out against the others lips. His hand trailing down his abdomen until he was rubbing Landon over the fabric of his jeans. “Mine” he growled softly. Biting and pulling fervently on Landon’s bottom lip before teasing his mouth with his tongue.

LANDON Landon threw his head back with a moan when Khai finally got his hand on his clothed cock and the way he was being so possessive...that was hot. "All yours and you're mine...right?" He knew that he kept coming back to Khai's reputation and he hated himself for it a little but he needed to confirm this before anything else could happen between them. Few people knew this about him but Landon was actually a very jealous person and he wasn't known for sharing. And so he pulled back from Khai, forcing the other to look him in the eyes. "If we do this...you're it for me, you get that right? And I want the same for you otherwise this won't work. Is that okay?" Way to ruin the mood Landon. But better to get it out of the way now than when he was already in too deep, even though it already felt too late for that.

Khai. When Landon threw his head back he moved his lips to his neck. The taste of his skin causing him to hum as he licked and bit at his soft skin. “I’m yours baby” he breathed out with pleasure. The words rolling off his tongue so effortlessly as he kissed back up to Landon’s lips. It didn’t bother him that Landon wanted confirmation. Because honestly, the reminders were extremely sexy in the moment. He could feel Landon becoming more and more aroused beneath his touch, and it was turning him on so much. But when he pulled back and forced Khai to look at him he whined softly. He wasn’t really expecting what Landon had to say, but it didn’t ruin the mood. In fact, it made him smile. He felt like he had been waiting so long to hear those words and it only made him want Landon even more. “You’re it for me Landon. You’ve always been it for me” he confessed. Placing another soft peck to his lovers lips before looking deep into his eyes again. “I’m all yours, baby. Only yours” he confirmed, and he meant those words with every fiber of his being.

LANDON Landon knew that a part of him was always going to worry about the what-ifs and about Khai finding someone new but it was getting less frequent and the other's words worked at easing his concerns, at least for the time being. They made him feel special and wanted. Khai really liked him and he liked him back so maybe things could actually be okay for once. Landon still wasn't sure where this left them but he was willing to try if Khai was and so he pulled him in for another kiss, biting softly on his lower lip to request entrance.

Khai. Khai knew that things between the two of them would probably never be easy. Aside from all of the people who would have something to say. They were both very jealous people. Let’s not forget, there were still a handful of people who weren’t exactly okay with them being together in the first place. But he couldn’t bring himself to care, not right now anyway. He knew they would have to have a deeper conversation about where things stood with them and what was expected. But when Landon pulled him back in he was all he was able to focus on. He had waited for this moment for so long and now that they were both finally giving in. He wanted to enjoy the moment for as long as he could. Opening his mouth without any sort of hesitation and allowing Landon in. His hand continuing to rub at his bulge as their tongues rolled together.

LANDON There was still much for them to discuss. They needed to figure out where this left them and what it all meant. Whatever happened, Landon was determined for them to properly discuss it rather than whatever they did after the party. They owed it to each other to really talk things out but right now they were both too busy to even think about doing that. Landon moaned at the feeling of Khai rubbing his clothed cock  and moved his hands up and down his back, almost as if to convince himself that he was actually here.

Khai. Khai wanted to talk to Landon too and figure out exactly where they stood with each other. But it was so hard to think about anything else with his tongue down his throat. He moved his hand up to Landon’s abdomen and then back down to work on undoing his pants. His teeth pulling on his bottom lip as he looked into his eyes. It was still so hard to believe they were actually doing this, and sober. Khai really just wanted to savor every second of it. Just in case Landon were to change his mind again. He moved  his hand down again as he slid it down inside of the others pants. His fingers wrapping firmly around his length as he breathed deeply against his lips. “You’re so sexy” he whispered breathlessly. His chest rising and falling with desire as he stroked his shaft slow and hard.

LANDON This was like the party all over again except this time he wasn’t under the effect of enough tequila to have him wasted. Landon was sober and he was pretty sure that Khai was as well so, even though in a way it was very similar, it was a whole different experience at the same time. He moaned when Khai finally wrapped a hand around the bare skin of his cock and started stroking, wiggling his hips to show him that he wanted more. “You’re talking to me about sexy?” he rasped, trailing kisses down his chest.

Khai. Khai was quickly becoming addicted to the feeling of Landon’s lips against his. The sounds he made as he touched him only fueling that fire that had burning deep inside of him for so long. He moved his hand a bit faster up and down his lovers shaft. Letting his thumb roll sensually over the tip of his cock as he spread his precum. “Oh yeah, you’re so sexy baby” he purred. Moving his kisses along Landons jawline and down to his neck as his strokes picked up speed once again. “I love making you cum” he hummed softly against the wet marks he left along his lovers skin. Lifting to his knees he used his free hand to push Landons pants down even further. Freeing his cock and giving him more leverage as he continued to stroke him and kiss down his chest. Kitty licking at the slit on his tip as he looked up to watch the pleasure form upon Landons face.

LANDON Landon already felt like he was in seventh heaven and it was only about to get better judging by the fact that Khai was getting in his knees. That could only mean one thing and he was so here for it. He lifted his hips up in order to help him get his pants down and let out a loud moan the second he got his tongue on his cock. They did this at the party but it felt so different when there wasn’t a whole bottle of tequila running through his system. It felt like all sensations were multiplied. “Fuck yeah, just like that. Get your mouth around me baby”, he encouraged.

Khai. Khai was grinning up at Landon as he asked for more and he stroked him a little harder. His free hand moving to caress his balls as he put just the head of Landons cock between his lips. Letting his tongue bar roll around his tip before opening his mouth and licking down his shaft with a hum. “You want more baby?” he asked with a low lust filled rasp. Licking back up his length and then taking him completely into his mouth. His hand continued to stroke where his mouth fell short as he moaned against him for added pleasure. Hazel eyes locking on Landons expression as he took his cock all the way to the back of his throat.

LANDON Landon didn’t think he was ever going to get used to Khai’s tongue piercing and the way it felt on his cock. A part of him still couldn’t believe he was referring to this as something that was going to happen again but that’s exactly what it was, right? The little they talked made it clear it wasn’t going to be a one time thing. Landon groaned and threw his head back in pleasure when the other took him completely in his mouth. He ran his fingers through his hair and tugged on the strands whenever it felt like it was getting to be too much. “I’m always going to want more.” It wasn’t even a lie, Landon could be greedy when he allowed himself to be.

Khai. Watching Landon was such a fucking turn on. He didn’t think this man could get any more beautiful, and yet here he was, the vision of a pure masterpiece. Pleasure only highlighting the already incredibly sexy features he displayed. He relaxed his throat a bit as he pressed his tongue against Landons shaft. Taking his length even further down his throat as his hand continued to caress his balls. God!!! He loved giving head, especially to Landon. He wasn’t sure if he was even gonna get used to his girth but he loved it so fucking much. He gagged softly as he held Landons cock in the back of his throat for a moment. His eyes falling shut as he hallowed out his cheeks and began to bob up and down. His momentum increasing with each stroke of his mouth as he moans pleasurable vibrations against him. He tasted so damn good, and Khai was captivated by his new addiction.

LANDON Landon used his grip on Khai’s hair to pull him in deeper, watching with wide eyes as the other gagged on his length yet kept on going. “You’re amazing”, he said in amazement. The vibrations of Khai’s moans against his cock felt incredible and all Landon wanted was to push him further down until he couldn’t go anywhere, even if he tried. Reaching down, Landon pushed down on Khai’s pants and wrapped his hand around his cock, giving it a few strokes.

Khai. Shifting  his eyes to look up at Landon again when he said he was amazing, he pulled up from his cock with a pop. His hand continuing to stroke him as he twisted his wrist for added pleasure. “You’re amazing baby” he replied with a raspy and breathless tone. His bottom lip pulling between his lips as he Landon pushed down his pants and took his own hard into his hand. “Mmm, Landon” he moaned softly. His touch quenching that aching need as his hips jerked into his hand. “God, I want you” he groaned with desire, leaning back in to lick at at Landons tip again as he kept his eyes on him. He was so hard and dripping as Landons fingers brushed against his piercing. Sending him into overdrive as he moved his hands to hook beneath Landons knees and prop his legs up onto the couch. “I wanna fuck you baby” he informed with a bit of dominance lacing his tone. “Do you want me to fuck you?” Maybe the question was a bit of a no brained, but Khai wasn’t sure if Landon was a top or bottom, and the last thing he wanted to do was make him uncomfortable.

[fuckyeahasexual]

A complete guide to how the asexual community is NOT lying about the pathologization of asexuality and how many aces(even young ones)have had their asexuality tried to be“fixed” and “converted back to normalcy”

Trigger warning : Conversion therapy,abuse

As if the so called ace “”discourse””( which has till now involved aphobes and exclusionists comparing ace people to nazis,pedophiles,white supremacists,slave owners,homophobes,  ,talking over ace WOC by white people, telling ace people AND kids to kill themselves,victim blamig and gaslighting ace victims of rape, putting extremely graphic sexual content into asexual tags and sending sexual content to ace minors and adults who are are suffering from sexual trauma even after they told them to STOP ) could not get any worse, we now have these pathetic excuses of human beings accusing ace people of lying about their trauma and abuse just so that they can justify their harassing of ace people.

Im TIRED of seeing these “”highly intellectual people”” keeps repeating bullshit arguments so im gonna make this post addled with appropriate resources and links to handle these two topics:

How asexuality is pathologized

Can the abuse and trauma ace people go through when people try to “convert ace people back to normalcy” and “fix” their asexuality really be called “conversion therapy”?

This is gonna be long,but i hope you will stick with me though this because im going to try as much as possible to make this as source-fuilled and educational for yall. So here we go:

1. Has asexuality really been pathologized?

Short answer,Yes.  Many mental health professionals had consideredasexuality an illness throughout history.There are many articles talking about it.Up till 2013, indicators of asexuality like lack of sexual attraction,sexual fantasies towards other people, lack of interest in sex etc were basically classified as Hypoactive sexual desire disorder in the DSM which was revised just to include that all those indicators WOULD be considered as a “symptom” of HSDD unless a person self identified as “asexual” which wasnt much useful since not everyone(especially young people) might know that they are ace and can be pressured by their peers into going through the “treatment” for HSDD .They did the same thing before they removed homosexuality from the DSM.

Heres the long answer :

Throughout history , asexuality has brought out bigots to talk about how “unnatural” it is and how it obviously is a “mental illness/disorder” bc experiencing sexual attraction is always considered an inherent experience to almost all living beings.There are many medical and psychological articles either directly referring to asexuality as a disorder or referring its main indicators like ��lack of sexual attraction,sexual feelings towards other people”etc as a mental disorder.

But the most well known instance of pathologization of asexuality is the  HSDD (Hypoactive sexual desire disorder).It has been in both The International Classification of Diseases and  Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders both which are used by mental health professionals and psychologists to diagnose people.

There was a huge pushback against HSDD by asexual activists bc it categorized all indicators of asexuality like lack of sexual attraction,sexual fantasies towards other people and lack of sexual desire etc as a disorder.As a result,  asexuality was officially given an exception in the DSM-V by stating that if a person experiencing all the symptoms of HSDD self ID’d as asexual then they wont be diagnosed with it.This seemed a good enough thing to do and acephobes keep bringing it up to show how “different HSDD is from asexuality” and how “The medical world has “”accommodated”” itself for the comfort of ace people” but this act and the whole concept of a “Hypoactive sexual desire disorder” are considered problematic and have been put through questions not only by ace people, but feminists and activists too . Heres why :

1. The person STILL has to identify as asexual to be not diagnosed.Asexuality still isnt as visible and well known of an orientation so  if a person doesn’t know that they’re asexual, the DSM does no work to sufficiently differentiate between these “sexual disorders” and a sexual identity. so it could very well happen that someone who doesn’t know that they’re asexual is convinced by a therapist that they have a sexual abnormality that needs to be corrected(x)  .Taking into consideration the fact that a lack of sexual attraction is still seen as a sign of “brokenness” etc , the aphobia ace people face from their peers,how sex is seen an inherent part of one’s relationship and the immense number of ace people who experience internalized aphobia, theres a higher chance of ace people being pressurized into lying about not being ace and being made to go through treatment of HSDD .

2. The asexuality exception is not included in the diagnostic criteria, but a different part of the text. The desk reference version, which is the smaller version most psychiatrists will use because the actual DSM is a monster of a book, only contains the diagnostic criteria. So, unless a doctor is very familiar with the update DSM, you could still be diagnosed despite identifying as asexual. (X)

3.The DSM is put out by the APA, an American organization and is not used internationally in ALL countries.The international appx. equivalent to the DSM is the ICD (International Classification of Diseases) where an exception of asexuality is NOT made like they did in DSM-V. So many countries where DSM-V is not followed are free to diagnose ace people with almost no repercussions.

4.There is till NO distinction made between HSDD and asexuality and all indicators of asexuality are still considered “symptoms” of HSDD. the DSM does no work to sufficiently differentiate between these “sexual disorders” and a sexual identity. so it could very well happen that someone who doesn’t know that they’re asexual is convinced by a therapist that they have a sexual abnormality that needs to be corrected(x) Just putting “All these signs are of HSDD unless a person identifies as asexual” is literally the same as saying “Being attracted to the same gender and/or being attracted to more than two genders is a disorder unless a person identifies as gay/bi”.In fact a very very similar thing was done to homosexuality in the DSM before homosexuality was deleted off entirely as a disorder.

5.Im not even gonna get into the fact that alot of people have pointed out how  the big push to keep HSDD in the DSM came from the pharmaceutical companies who need this diagnosis to exist so thatthey can market a drug called Flibanserin and both of these thingshave been called out by both ace as well as non ace feminists bc studies showed it improved very little in terms of sexual satisfaction in its participants and has potentially big risks(x) and  MANY women disinterested in sex(weather ace or not) were pressurized to undergo treatment of HSDD and use flibanserin bc of the misogynist belief that women need to put out more than care about their safety white taking it bc thats not the point of this post.

But just for yalls consideration : Just bc there is a disorder in the DSM doesnt mean that its legit.Female hysteria,homosexuality were considered disorders.As an amazing post here said : “until psychology stops operating in terms of “inappropriate behavior” and starts looking at patients’ experiences of symptoms as stressful and unpleasant, it will be an enforcement of ableism first and an aid to the mentally ill last.”  . Unless someone goes through some trauma which make them LOSE their capability to feel sexual attraction and desire,i’ll consider any “disorder” which automatically assumes lack of sexual attraction and desire “unnatural”, as doubtful .

So  yeah , asexuality still technically remains pathologized and ace people still are at a risk of being diagnosed and being forced/pressurized to undergo treatments which arent usually even that effective and have health risks associated with them.On to the next topic :

2.Can ace people call the trauma and abuse they went through  when people tried to “convert ace people back to normalcy” and “fix” their asexuality  “conversion therapy”?

First off, Read THIS And THIS. Now,

Short answer,Yes. Maybe they might not be under the threat of going through the EXACT conversion therapy which involves basically torture and is legal in like 36/41 states IN AMERICA but then again, so arent those gay people who didnt/dont/wont be living/going to those 36/41 states IN AMERICA but have/are/will be  tried to be “converted back to” straightness by their peers.Any way in which non straight people are forced/pressurized to be converted into straight by so called “professionals” and “medical experts” counts as conversion therapy to me bc at the end of the day it doesnt really matter WHAT word you define it as when those trying to “fix” non straight people’s non straightness view those non straight people as someone who needs “fixing”.

Also, saying that ace people’s experience when their peers were trying to “fix” their asexuality isnt AS bad as what gay people go through when their gayness is tried to be “fixed” is…not a good thing to say.Trauma isnt a competition.Telling a person with a sprained leg that another person has a  fractured leg doesnt make the first person’s sprained leg hurt any less

Heres the long answer :

Here is the thing.The most “well known”  conversion therapy(and in aphobes’ case,the conversion therapy they keep bringing up to discourage ace people from calling their trauma involving attempts to fix them “conversion therapy” ) is the one which is legal in 36 or 41(The data keeps differing from diff sources) states in AMERICA ONLY and basically involves showing homoerotic images and videos to gay/bi people and inflicting some sort of violence/harm on them when them and/or their mind and/or their body shows any sort of interest on such images till they form an aversion to same gender attraction and other forms of torture.I described it as PG rated as possible but if anyone is interested and is NOT at the risk of being triggered they can read the whole process here(x).

Aphobes keep arguing that since no clinic advertises that they will “convert ace people back to normalcy” ,and even IF some ace person IS forced to undergo treatment of HSDD ,their experience doesnt matches the EXACT amount of abuse and trauma gay people go through during conversion therapy, aces arent “allowed” to call their experiences “conversion therapy”.Now , anyone with common sense and general morality will realize how bullshit this is bc aphobes are just putting their american centric rhetorics over ALL aces in THIS WORLD(bc they are ALWAYS considering the american conversion therapy)but i’ll still just prove how WRONG this argument is :

1.This argument is only AMERICA CENTRIC.Aphobes keep saying that since ace people dont go through the exact conversion therapy which is legal in 36/41 states in america,they cant call it “conversion therapy”.Now america is only one country.There are 193 countries in this world.The “valid”Conversion therapy is only there in america.But HOMOPHOBIA is there in ALL countries of this world.Now, If we consider aphobes’ argument as legit, then it would imply that any gay person who suffered through the trauma and abuse of having their identity turned into “straight” by their peers in any country OTHER THAN AMERICA CANNOT call their experiences “Conversion therapy”.That means all the gay people who faced torture in russia (especially in Chechnya)to be “fixed” cannot call their experiences “conversion therapy”.Gay people in Brazil and Jamaica who are tried to be “fixed” cannot call their experiences conversion therapy.I live in south asia,we dont even HAVE any special places dedicated to “convert” gay people.But there are many instances where gay people are hauled to the nearest “religious medical practitioners” who abuse and torture them for WEEKS to “cure” them.I guess those gay people cant even call their experiences “conversion therapy”.THIS IS HOW RIDICULOUS APHOBES SOUND.

2.Not every ace conversion therapy is caused by going through the treatment of HSDD : There are many ace people who have been told that it was their asexuality ITSELF that was a disorder and went through abusive therapies to “cure” it which led to some people ending up self-isolating until they ended up in a psych hospital and some people felt broken and alone after that(x).Many health professionals simply pass off asexuality as some  symptomatic of deeper mental health problem and thus not every ace who might have been tried to be “converted back to normalcy” might have been gone through quite a rough treatment too.

3.Telling people that their trauma isnt “”really that bad”” isnt a good thing.Telling them that their trauma  dosent really “”qualify”” enough to be considered “”real”” conversion therapy isnt good.Oppression and traumas arent a competition.The abuse and torture gay people go through during conversion therapy isnt gonna make the trauma ace people go through “better” or less severe.Telling women that “at least they arent being human trafficked and beaten by their husbands everyday like in middle east” isnt gonna make them feel better when they are catcalled or sexually harassed at work.If ace people are tried to be “”fixed”” by being forced/pressurized undergo “” treatments”” by so called “professionals” and “medical experts” , it counts as conversion therapy to me bc at the end of the day, ace people’s orientation is still being seen as “something to be fixed into straightness”.

So yeah, ace people CAN call all the abuse they go through to be “fixed” of their asexuality “conversion therapy”.Now that we are done, here are a few examples of ace people talking about their fears and/or experiences about conversion therapy which i havent provided already

If you really want to respect lgbtqa people who have gone through conversion therapy,try to make this world a better place for lgbtqa people so that their identity isnt seen as something to be fixed.Telling group of people you are bigoted against that they cant call their experiences of tried to be fixed “conversion therapy” isnt gonna do SHIT to help the community you think you are trying to protect.Saying that No ace person has EVER went to conversion therapy bc there are “valid proofs” is disgusting.

Asexuality IS a highly marginalized orientation and all your refutes against it WILL be debunked and shot down bc we have sources and real people’s accounts on our sides which is supported by many prominent lgbtqa organizations across the world.All aphobes have is bigotry and a bunch of followers who eat up whatever they say without applying any critical thinking skills to it.