#and blame my religious upbringing but

[theinfinitedivides]

put my Bollywood playlist on shuffle today and it brought up Ajab Si and Saanson Ke one after the other and i went through every stage of grief that is f*cking imaginable and back again

[mpliego]

🗡 In this life, or the next… 🗡

prints available on my society6

[witchglaive]

fuck Israel btw

[inkstainedheartbeats]

Two days after they nearly lose their daughter to a fire the Buckley’s open the door to find a woman with curly red hair on their porch step. Claudia Henderson. They’ve heard the rumors, Hawkins does so dearly love them, about why she moved to Hawkins when her child was six. They’ve heard the rumors about rumors. About how her boy is friends with the boy who did but didn’t. They’ve seen her out and about. Mousy. Timid. Flinching when yelling gets too loud and over protective of her boy. For a moment, just a brief one, they think she’s here to blame their hatchling. Their fledgling. Backs straighten, mouths flatten.

“I do hope I didn’t wake Robin, knocking on your door,” is what they get instead. The mousy, timid woman not as noisy and timid as they thought as she manages to smile and talk her way into their home. Robin is still asleep.

“Now I’m sure we’ve heard the fire story.”

They nod. It felt wrong, smelled fishy. Dottie has never been a fan of the government and River saw the damage to the Harrington boy. No falling debris could cause that.

“I don’t know much. Dusty won’t say much and always looks so scared when I ask. But it’s a load of cow manure. Something happened though.”

Claudia talks in a soft low voice, even when agitated and upset. Her hands moving in eclectic patterns. She tells them what she’s seen, what she’s guessed, put together with the Sinclair’s and oddly enough Ted Wheeler.

“Karen is of the opinion we should wait for the children to tell us. She listens in but doesn’t offer anything. It’s sweet really,” she says and they both notice that her cheeks get the same pink tint that Robin’s does when she talks about Tammy or Heather or Vickie or even Chrissy. Dottie raises an eyebrow, River tucks his chin.

They’re interrupted by noises coming from upstairs. A thump like a body hitting the floor. Followed by two sets of running feet. A door opens, closes, a few minutes later the toilet flushes. They wait and listen as two try to become one on the walk back to Robin’s room.

“Steve likes to think he’s sneaky, but his nightmares give him away. He’ll… he’ll probably cycle through houses. Will try not to be seen. Especially now.”

“Now?” River asks because he’s always been nosier than Dottie.

“Him and Hopper.”

There were rumors, some nastier than others.

“Hopper had practically adopted him.”

Dottie makes a pain filled noise. She’d had a different upbringing than River. His grandmother joining the little commune of hippies and nature lovers, those who wanted peace and a greater feeling of unity, than her parents. And the parents that had basically adopted her.

“We shared custody, Hopper and I. So he comes through my front door. He’ll collapse on me and cry. He probably won’t with you. I know he doesn’t with the others.”

It’s not quite what they left behind, what grief caused them to flee. But it’s still a village and Claudia is there to welcome them in.

—/—/—/—/—/—

Later. Not even a year later. They, and the others, stand up in town hall. Call Jason Carver a fear mongering asshole and condemn anyone who believes him. Jason calls them satanist sympathizers. They aren’t quite run out of town but people side eye them. Some of the more religious threaten them.

They’re there when Claudia get the call Dustin and Steve are in the hospital. There to take Steve’s place protecting the Munson boy. Worry deep set on their faces when he faints the moment Dottie takes the nail studded bat from his hands.

They’re there when Steve flatlines twice and Eddie does thrice. They’re there when Wayne Munson gets the Claudia treatment. They’re there because that’s what family, what a village does.

[percervall]

Mamma mia, here I go again {pt8}

Summary: A summer of poor decisions leads you to having to face the consequences of your actions —and the men involved. Pairing: Kevin Magnussen x fem!reader, Lewis Hamilton x fem!reader, Mark Webber x fem!reader Warnings: angst, descriptions of a crash, mentions of religious trauma Word count: 1246 Taglist: @ashy-kit @averagef1fansblog @barcelonaloverf1life @bradfordbantams @dannyramirezwife-simpaccount@doofenshmirtzevil-inc @exotic-iris13 @goldsainz @iloveneteyam @jaypreshpresh @laura-naruto-fan1998 @monzamash @norrisleclercf1 @opheliaas-stuff @roseseraj @szobosz @topguncultleader@vellicora @ystrolllll 

Part 8 of the Mamma Mia series

After Japan, you operate on auto-pilot, the days all blurring into one. At work, your colleagues leave you be, however, your best friend sees right through you, especially after you cancel on her for a third day in a row. So Jasmine does what any best friend would do: she lets herself into your apartment with the key you had given her, only to find you curled up on the couch, staring into space as the sun sets, drowning you in twilight. She forces you to get changed out of your work clothes while she puts the kettle on.

“Talk to me. This is not like you,” Jasmine says, putting a mug in front of you.

“I don’t even know where to start..” you mumble.

“Start with what’s got you so heartbroken that you’ve become a recluse,” Jasmine offers. You shrug, feeling another wave of tears threatening to spill.

“I broke my own heart. I should never have agreed to their plan,” you say. You tell her all about the last couple of weeks, about the dates they had been taking you on. About how you tried so very hard to not fall in love.

“But I did. I fell harder than I think I ever have.”

“How does that lead to you breaking your own heart? Shouldn’t you be over the moon and disgustingly in love with your man?” Jasmine asks you.

“How can I be happy when I love all three of them?” you throw out, a sob wrecking through your body as you bury your face in your hands, “I am such a greedy whore for wanting all of them,” you whisper.

“No. Stop that right now,” Jasmine says, moving her chair next to yours and pulling you against her chest.

“Sometimes I really curse your parents for the religious trauma they subjected you to. Babe, we’ve talked about this. There is nothing wrong with being a slut or a whore, as you put it, as long as it is your choice to be called that term. Nothing wrong with a little consensual degradation in the bedroom. But loving more than one person does not make you a whore. It makes you polyamorous,” Jasmine responds, rubbing a hand down your back. 

“P-poly-what now?” you ask as you look up at her.

“Polyamorous. Oh babe, for someone with a double master’s degree, you really are clueless sometimes. It means someone who’s in a relationship with more than one person at a time. It just means you love differently than the heteronormative norm.”  

You’re quiet for a moment, letting your friend’s words sink in. She’s hit the nail on the head with her comment about your parents. You went no contact years ago, but your religious upbringing sometimes still haunts you even now that you’re an adult and no longer believe in the church as an institution. A tiny spark of hope flickers alive in your heart at the knowledge that there is a world in which you don’t have to choose between them, before it gets squashed by the realisation that you might have burnt that bridge before you even got to cross it. 

“What if it’s too late?’ you voice your biggest worry out loud, “What if they don’t want me anymore?” 

“Unfortunately there is only one way to find out. You gotta talk to them.”

Jasmine made it seem so easy, but finding the time to do so is proving difficult during the next race weekend. Due to the sprint race, the weekend is even busier than normal. By the time Sunday comes around you are convinced it won’t happen. Kevin seems to be avoiding you —and you can’t blame him for that—, Lewis is busy preparing for two races, and Mark is filming for Channel4. You throw yourself into your work, trying your hardest not to think about how your chest constricts every time you catch a glimpse of any of them on the screens in the garage. It’s not until Sunday’s race has well and truly started that you can’t use work as an excuse anymore. The latest bits of sim data have already been analysed so you really have no reason to stay in your office. You hide away in the back of the garage, out of sight for most of the cameras but you have a clear view on the screen with the F1 world feed. Your chest feels tight with anxiety for this race; the heat has been brutal for everyone involved and the tyre management put in place by Pirelli doesn’t fill you with confidence either. 

The first 30 or so laps go by relatively smoothly, but just as you allow yourself to exhale for the first time in what feels like an hour, things go horribly, horribly wrong. Logically you know the whole thing won’t have lasted for much longer than several minutes, but it feels like everything slows down as you watch one of the RedBulls collide into Lewis’ car while trying to overtake in the straight between corners 15 and 16, sending the latter spinning into the barrier on the right before getting bounced to the other side of the track like a ping pong ball before it comes to standstill against the wall. The RedBull tries to correct its own course but can’t help losing control again and sends the Haas that was behind them into the gravel where something seems to snap from the back of the car, causing the driver to lose complete control and slamming sideways into the barriers. Miraculously, the RedBull remains on the track, although it’s obvious the car has some major front wing damage, and makes it into the pitlane without much of a fuss. You keep watching the screen breathlessly, hoping for any signs of movement while you vaguely hear Lewis’ engineer ask Lewis if he’s okay. Instead of confirmation, it remains quiet. Your chest feels too tight to catch your breath as panic claws its way up your throat when you realise that the Haas currently in the barriers is Kevin. Ripping your headset off, you make your way outside and into the pitlane. Air, you need air. Leaning against the wall, you inhale deeply, trying to use the breathing techniques from yoga to calm down. They’re gone, your brain very unhelpfully supplies and you cover your mouth with a hand to stifle the scream that’s threatening to come out. You hear someone talking to you but the words don’t register as his body blocks you from view. Looking up, you see Mark’s concerned face looking back at you and the realisation that Lewis and Kev got hurt hits you all over again. A sob wrecks through you as your knees buckle.

“I’ve got you,” Mark murmurs, pulling your body against his. “They’re gone and I-.. I will never get to tell them-.. Mark-..” you sob into his chest. Mark rubs a hand down your back, letting you cry into his shirt as he tries to sooth you. You thought the heartache you felt after Suzuka was bad, but nothing could have prepared you for this. You can’t breathe, can’t think; the only thought going through your head is how this baby will never get to see their dads, how you lost the loves of your life and that you will never even get the chance to tell them that, how it’s all your fault. And that thought rips you apart all over again.

For maximum emotional damage, may I suggest playing Gracie Abrams' Cedar on loop while reading this? Because that song broke me

@curiousthyme this chapter would not be what it is without you, so thank you

Please let me know what you think. Your comments, tags and likes mean the world to me 💜

[broodwolf221]

i have a feeling this might be one of my more contentious bits of meta, but - cullen positive!

i just think... i understand why people don't like him and a lot of it is fine, but i feel like there's also some misunderstandings or oversimplifications going around

first: templar = bad.

as an organization, yes! as individuals, no! templars are like horrible magic cops, that's bad, but we have to keep in mind that a lot of them - including alistair, including cullen - were given over to the chantry when they were very young and indoctrinated into becoming templars. some join later in life and those i take more issue with, but the ones who were given over to it young? i find it hard to blame them for becoming templars

second: it's a religious calling.

there's a huge amount of religious/cultural pressure to conform to chantry teachings, and this is the way someone who's not cut out to be a chantry member can still conform and gain social standing and respect. there's also the strong chantry pressure of Mages Are Bad, Actually, so the templars are seen as something of a divine protector of the innocent. obviously this is fucked up and inaccurate, but it's worth noting that the pressure and social gains are real, and that even lower-class citizens seem able to become templars. and if someone was only good at fighting, had little to no educational background, and still wanted to support themselves or their family? what are their choices? become a mercenary, criminal, or become a templar.

third: lyrium

after they take their vows, they're given their first draught of lyrium. so... let's look at this critically for a second. children given over, taught that mages are bad, that templars are good, that the chantry is good, that the chantry teachings are real, and that their faith would be rewarded. they're even schooled by the chantry, so they have little to no access to any points of view outside of it. then, if appropriate, they're asked: do you want to be a templar? and if they say yes, if they take their vows, they're given a drug that creates a profound dependency.

fourth: okay, but this was supposed to be about cullen?

and it is! bc cullen turned his back on all that. i'm not saying he didn't make mistakes - he's not saying he didn't make mistakes, horrible ones! but meredith lied to him in order to keep him committed, because she knew he wouldn't approve of what she was doing.

on a personal level, he was: indoctrinated into a cult (yeah i'm calling the chantry/the templar order a cult bc it is); tortured by the exact thing he was taught to fear and revile; following that torture, tried once again to return to the one thing he knew how to do and was deceived and led astray by a brutal commander who he wouldn't have followed if he'd known what was happening. and what did he do with all that?

he turned away. he rejected it. he rejected a large part of his upbringing, his sociocultural heritage, his faith, his indoctrination - and, oh yeah, his addiction. as a recovering addict, i find his story frankly amazing. he's willing to die to distance himself from what he now knows the templar order to be.

and cole mentions that cullen is one of the good ones when you ask him about templars. cullen has a lot of shit to unpack and a lot of trauma around magic and mages, and he's been cruel and contributed to a brutal system, but he's also grown a lot. like... it must have been so hard. he rejected everything. and sure, now he's serving the inquisition, another facet of the chantry, but even then... it's not the same, not at all. for one, the inquisition and the chantry are constantly at odds.

so he rejected everything he was taught, everything he was trained in, all that his significant trauma taught him, and the pull of addiction. he's changing himself. he's learning and growing. he's catching the remains of his own prejudice. again: if you don't like him, that's fine, i get it. he's far from perfect. but i really appreciate characters who take it upon themselves to question their beliefs, to grow and learn and change.

so yeah. i like him.

[justinspoliticalcorner]

Eliel Cruz for Teen Vogue:

When I was a teenager in the early aughts, conversion therapists reigned supreme in evangelical Christian spaces, spewing pseudo-scientific techniques as a supposed “remedy” for LGBTQ identities. Growing up in the Seventh-day Adventist church and school system, LGBTQ identities were vilified and demonized at the pulpit and in our classrooms. The answer to our sexualities, according to the church, was to deny ourselves love or a partner, stay celibate, or to work on “changing” our sexuality so that we were no longer queer. There were groups and conferences with self-proclaimed “ex-gay” speakers providing testimonies about how they “overcame” their sexuality and therapists eager to “help” others pursue the same path.

According to a Williams Institute report, 7% of LGB adults ages 18 to 59 in the United States have undergone conversion therapy. About 81% of those individuals were in “therapy” with religious leaders, which heightened suicidal thoughts and ideation in comparison to LGB people who have not gone through conversion “therapy” practices. Across the globe, these numbers fluctuate between 2% all the way up to 34% of LGBTQ+ people having undergone conversion practices. By the mid-2010s, these groups and their influence began to dwindle as national organizations like Exodus International, one of the longest-running and largest ex-gay organizations, shuttered its doors after 37 years, admitting that not only did conversion or reparative therapy not work, it was harmful to the LGBTQ people subjected to it. Former Exodus International President Alan Chambers said: "I am sorry for the pain and hurt many of you have experienced. I am sorry that some of you spent years working through the shame and guilt you felt when your attractions didn't change,” admitting his own attractions to men had not gone away, despite being married to a woman and having children.

The closing of Exodus International signaled the end of a decades-long push for ex-gay therapy, or so it would seem. But in recent years, as legislation has passed across the country to ban conversion therapy for youth, a new push for so-called “change therapy” has re-emerged with the same flawed premise and tactics of the ex-gays of old. A group called Changed Movement, formed in response to legislation banning conversion therapy in California, is one such group using new language to promote the same-old conversion therapy. Conversion or reparative therapy, loosely defined, is any attempt to influence and change someone’s sexual orientation or gender identity. Often, these counselors blame trauma or violence, family dynamics, or your upbringing as the root of the deviant sexuality or gender identity. Changed Movement shares stories of individuals blaming these roots as the cause of their sexuality or gender. This assertion is false and only serves to shame the individual, often for reasons beyond their control. Importantly, ex-gay groups like the Changed Movement do not seem to reckon with the fluidity of sexuality and gender and, as proponents of this ideology typically do, seemingly view things as either gay or straight, trans or cisgender.

[...] In a report by the Trevor Project, researchers found at least 1,320 conversion therapy practitioners in almost all 50 states, including states with active conversion therapy bans for minors. Almost half of those counselors are unlicensed, and most are attached to some sort of religious ministry. While couching their language and pretending to be there to help LGBTQ people, the danger of these groups and practitioners cannot be understated.

Recently, an ex-gay group called Coming Out Ministries bought a building across from my alma mater, Andrews University, a Seventh-day Adventist University, intending to “work closely” with the university on LGBTQ issues “from a redemptive perspective.” Groups like Changed Movement and Coming Out Ministries see LGBTQ young people’s identities as “confusion” instead of who they are intrinsically. Their ideology stems from a theological understanding of sexuality that does not take into account science or the world as it exists around them. Anti-LGBTQ theology fuels conversion therapy, and it’s not only flawed but also inherently harmful and violent. As a queer person of faith, I reject theology and religious practices that cause harm, as it is not from God. The history and devastating impacts of ex-gay practices are clear in the irreparable damage it has caused to large swathes of the LGBTQ community raised in religious settings.

Eliel Cruz writes in Teen Vogue the changing history of anti-LGBTQ+/anti-trans medical pseudoscience practice of conversion therapy.

[headspace-hotel]

My note bait post didn't accrue more notes than words on my WIP, which is surprising to me, given how much posts can blow up, but then again it was either going to be this or it would blow up so much i'd have to write something the length of the entire lord of the rings

I did, however, hit the first spark of what feels like genuine inspiration in a long time. Suddenly things were flowing and I wasn't struggling uphill.

My "mad scientist" POV character absorbed all of the writing today. I had a little flashback scene pop into my head of her in an abandoned warehouse illicitly dissecting a corpse, her hands shaking because she knows it's a disgusting act of sacrilege...it was just so vivid and compelling and really captured that sense of her obsession dragging her to places that frighten and revolt her and the secret allure of it.

Out of my 3 POV characters she is definitely the...worst? like morally? and has the least amount of insight into herself. She's pretty fucking twisted. And it's the good shit because she comes off as very vulnerable and sympathetic, she's a young prodigy and she grew up poor and she's really kind of naive.

She's just...complicated. She has a grandparent that belongs to a colonized culture that was subject to genocide, but she is trying hard to repress that side of her cultural heritage, and that plays into her relationship with biotechnology, because the religious and ethical framework of her upbringing is something she's kinda rejecting.

And like, she is locked into this rivalry with a colleague she went to school alongside, who was noble-blooded and very wealthy, and she has this deep hatred and resentment toward this other girl who honestly doesn't return the depth and strength of her feelings at all. She sees the fights and competition as petty schoolgirl stuff, whereas for my my POV character it was something way more intense and codependent.

POV character so far describes herself as "not interested in boys...her work [is] too important" but. Her codependent obsessive rivalry-friendship with the other scientist is definitely coming from a place of uh lesbianism and she has no idea.

And it's really cool/fucked up to observe how she blames her colleague for her own corruption, because now they're both locked into careers experimenting non-consensually on humans to make military bioweapons, and POV character is like "wow why would she do this and drag me into it with her, I thought we were supposed to use biotech to make the world better" and her colleague is like "Um what do you mean, 'we'?"

[stromuprisahat]

Tolya the Tailor

“You have a Tailor,” I said. Sturmhond winced. “I am not a Tailor,” Tolya said angrily. “No, Tolya, your gifts lie elsewhere,” Sturmhond said soothingly. “Mostly in the celebrated fields of killing and maiming.”

Siege and Storm- Chapter 8

I know this was meant as a funny moment, but it got me thinking.

The Twins are some of the most brainwashed characters we're intorduced. Religious fanatics, worshippers of mercenary life built on violence and physical strength, completely disregarding the less fortunate, less gifted...

Who's to blame is rather obvious:

Tolya and Tamar’s mother had been a Grisha stationed on Ravka’s southern border when she met their father, a Shu Han mercenary. “When she died,” Tamar explained, “she made my father promise not to let us be drafted into the Second Army. We left for Novyi Zem the next day.”

Siege and Storm- Chapter 7

Now, we don't know how old the children were, when that happened. And even if we did, how likely is it that they would be present, and old enough to remember well? The father could tell them anything, and they would be none the wiser.

The way they're presenting "their" opinions makes it obvious they've been taught to "think" certain way, and never even considered doubting their dogmas.

The initial quote shows angry reaction to mere suggestion Tolya's speciality's Tailoring, although at that point the speaker doesn't even suspect it's him doing it. Anyone else strongly reminded of rl examples of boys being taught to value violence highly above useless femininity represented by arts, caring or other "soft" traits?

“When Genya’s abilities began to show themselves, I could have had her choose between becoming a Fabrikator or a Corporalnik. Instead, I cultivated her particular affinity..."

Shadow and Bone- Chapter 7

Applying this information (assuming no continuity errors and/or retcon) to what we know about Tolya's youth so far, how likely would be a boy, raised by an elite fighting instructor, who rejects any form of dependence on others,- to receive support to "cultivate his particular affinity"? Especially in a world, where he's likely to need self-defense?

And how better to ensure the desired outcome than scorn and belittlement? Just switch "Tailoring" for "feminine hobbies that make young boys gay". "Real men" are stoic, good in fighting, they refuse weakness and dependency. The only soft thing allowed comes in a form of heroic poetry, not silk keftas!

Further I read, more does Tolya look like a victim of his father's upbringing, favouring toxic masculinity. And from what I remember about following books, meeting fully-fledged Tailor doesn't help him "see the light". His father's memory is worshipped, his negative impact on both children remains unrecognized.

[fishyyyyy99]

I'm talking specifically about the series, Under the Bridge because I don't know the real Reena or her parents, but I feel like some people are downplaying how awful Reena must have felt stuck between her parents and bullies. Even before she met Josephine, I feel like her mother was awfully unreasonable. I get having empathy for the parents, but I dislike how some people are blaming Reena more than her parents. I lived in the UK for a few years as a child (so almost two decades ago), and I still remember the name of this boy "Jack" who bullied me during my first year there, and I'm pretty sure it was at least partly because I was a brown girl. It was awful.

Do people not remember how awful it is to be a kid getting bullied in school? I'm trying to imagine how I'd feel if my mom had responded to me the way Reena's mom did, when I told her about the bullying - not really offering her any solace, and talking about religion instead. Just thinking about it makes me so, so angry. Imagine having to put up with years of racist bullying, but also a very strict, religious upbringing (she wasn't even allowed to celebrate her birthday) by your parents who don't seem to truly listen to you - they even ended up removing her bedroom door. How are people just saying that her parents were just a bit religious but Reena was stupid and awful for what she did to her dad? Obviously, falsely accusing her dad was horrible, but I understand what drove her to it. I get her desperation. Plus, there was peer pressure, and it doesn't seem like she fully understood the consequences of what she was doing. I do feel bad for her parents as well, especially her dad, but I don't understand how people can downplay how dismissive and unempathetic they were towards Reena, in the beginning? Only the uncle seemed fine. Reena's parents were very forgiving, but they weren't very understanding. I think some people are being too harsh on Reena.

[tea-and-secrets]

a close friend of mine has recently become religious. I have trauma from an upbringing in the religion they are now practicing. I don’t blame them at all and it’s not their fault, I can’t just tell them to stop talking about something that means so much to them in front of me. but it makes me feel so uncomfortable and I can’t vent about it anywhere because they’re in pretty much every server I’m in and I would never talk about them begin their back to any of our other friends. I just need to get it off my chest because I feel so terrible and conflicted.

.

[ceo-of-stealing-ur-fucking-teeth]

Content Warning: Religious Trauma, Religious, Emotional, Physical, Sexual, and Child Abuse

As a Catholic Kid, I was taught three things very early on;

1. Gods love was unconditional

2. Until there were conditions he, or the adults in my life didn’t like

3. And then his anger was terrible.

Many people who have dealt with toxic families, either by being in one, or by being a social worker, therapist, teacher, or any other aid of that nature, might recognize a lot of these. I’m of the first category.

My Catholic upbringing groomed me for abuse from an early age.

God loved gays. Until said gays wanted to do things like have relationships, or exist more loudly in the world, or deviate in any way from what my Catholic family found appropriate. Like having the audacity to want to be married. “I’ll love you, and whoever you choose to love.” My divorced Catholic mother told me, one day when I’m confronting her. “But we will not recognize a marriage.” “Why can’t one of my children be straight!” She laments, when another kid comes out. She doesn’t remember the pictures she’d allow to be painted of loneliness and damnation for her young queer child, the noises of judgment and the hushed whispers of relatives that brought shame to the family. The tone of Justice when something bad would happen to a gay person, like somehow they’d earned their fate with AIDS, or at the hands some some drunk redneck.

God loves Children. That’s why he hates abortion. Nevermind that there’s descriptions of how to provide them in the bible. He wants you to yell at women going into clinics, even the young teenage girls who said no, who couldn’t say no, who said yes but had no resources to know about safe sex, or even the ones who just wanted to have fun. They don’t get a childhood, it’s been taken, they don’t deserve it. They don’t own their bodies, and never will. Despite God getting a young woman pregnant out of wedlock. At least he asked for consent. He loves all the starving children, the LGBTQ+ children kicked out of their homes by his adherents, the ones in Warzones, the ones being killed. Suffering, while he watches. Sometimes blamed, because they didn’t believe in him the way we did. He even loves the victims of his church as they shuffle another priest off to another parish, leaving another group of children broken and traumatized.

God loves women. If they followed his ideal of womanhood. Don’t have sex except to have kids. But you’re faulty if you can’t and you shouldn’t try anything to fix it despite the judgement others feel for you and your defective body. And no abortion for you, even if the ultrasound tells you your baby, that you’ve carried for months, has no heartbeat, or half a brain, or is conjoined to their twin in a way that will insure they have no quality of life. Sacrifice everything for your husband and children. Be modest, be subservient. Never blame men, even when they grab you and grope you and tell you it’s fine, because you were probably leading them on. Don’t get divorced, even if you don’t love him anymore, even if he hurts you with words or fists, even if he’s useless around the home because the home is your job, no matter how much there is to shoulder. He works so hard as the head of the house, while he ignores his children and eats the food you make and can’t even figure out how to wash his laundry and he’ll just mess it up anyways, so why don’t you do it for him?

You don’t ask questions. You don’t. You obey mom and dad, even when they isolate you, and abuse you. You’re not mentally ill and young, you’re evil. You’re not chafing under their control and telling them that they’re hurting you, you’re venomous. You’re going to confession because you’re not honouring your parents. Nevermind that honour is nothing in that home. Hypocrisy is all you see from an early age, mother and father telling you one thing and doing another. You family lives a lie, and the other adults around you watch it and do nothing. Your priest, their friends in the church, good people of the Faith, see and hear things and let it happen because it’s none of their business. As a homeschooled child, you have no exposure to mandatory reporters, and they instilled a fear of the government in you that insures after a while you stop talking about it. If you go to foster care you’ll never see any of your siblings again, even though there were other family members who would have found out. Eventually so many things are internalized, the blame, the shame, the ahistorical understanding of the world, the fact that people deserve to suffer because that means they’re evil or faulty somehow. But god loves them! The sexism, the homophobia, xenophobia. A moment of I love you followed by days of screaming, blame, hitting. “Why are you cringing, you act like we beat you.” Then ten minutes later they walk up behind you, slap your skull to get your attention and demand to know why the cupboard was left open. On, and on.

Pain and suffering are Gods will. Fetishized, with bloody crucifixes and stories of martyrs. Especially yours, and people like you. It’s in the books you read and on the lips of adults who you trust. It’s used to justify hurting others because they’re different or making mistakes. Love and pain and cruelty become tangled in each other.

You think about hell, and you’re very small, and you start crying because you already know that you’re making God angry and sad because that’s how your parents talk to you. And you don’t know it yet but it’s going to get worse. You’re going to grow up preconditioned for people to hurt you.

But God loves you unconditionally.

[honeyjars-sims]

1.17 Forgiveness

[Bonnie is working at the diner when she hears a familiar voice call her name]

Jimmy: Bonnie!

Jimmy: I'm sorry for showing up here unannounced. I know I'm not your favorite person right now.

Bonnie: That's an understatement. You hurt my kid, and I will never forget that!

Jimmy: Look, I can't tell you how sorry I am. I know it's no excuse, but I had a bad upbringing myself and I was directing all of that anger at an innocent child who didn't deserve it. I will spend the rest of my life making up for that if I have to.

Bonnie: And you'll still be making up for it when you're in hell!

Jimmy: I'm not worried about my salvation, Bonnie. God has absolved me of my sins.

Bonnie: God? What, are you religious now?

Jimmy: Yes, I am. My cellmate taught me about how we can all be forgiven. I'm a changed man, Bonnie, I swear it. I don't ever want to go back to the way I was before.

Bonnie: I'll believe it when I see it. Is that why you wanted to meet me? To rope me into your religion?

Jimmy: Well, it'd be wonderful if you repented as well, but that's not why I'm here. I just wanted to say you don't have to worry about me being around Trinity. I swear I never laid a finger on her and I never will.

Bonnie: Too bad you can't say the same about Johnny.

Jimmy: I know, and I'll never forgive myself for that. I really want to apologize to him for all the hurt I put him through.

Bonnie: Not a chance! You will never see him again if I have anything to do with it. He wouldn't forgive you anyway, he won't even talk to me.

Jimmy: I can't blame him for that. I just want to make this all right.

Bonnie: It's never going to be all right, Jimmy. You ruined my life! Now get the fuck out of here before I end up in prison myself!

Previous | Beginning of story | Beginning of chapter | Next

[mbti-notes]

ENTJ here, sometimes I can get very triggered for a while when one of my close friends says something strongly contrary to my values. E.g. with egalitarianism, when someone calls someone living with their parents at 26 a loser, or when someone throws in a lot of comments proving that they feel superior because of what music they listen to, what clothes they wear, etc. I think this is the result of my low Fi, how can I deal with this and learn to accept that people have different values?

How do people justify being judgmental? They claim that their own beliefs/values are "right" and that the other person is "wrong". You are bothered by others believing themselves to be morally superior. Yet how do you respond? By exerting your own moral superiority. This constitutes psychological projection: criticizing undesirable traits/behaviors in others in order to avoid looking at them within oneself. Projection is usually worse in intimate relationships because you consider the other person to be part of you or your in-group.

Projection is an ego development issue that leads to misuse of functions (not necessarily an issue with Fi itself). People at lower levels of ego development deeply identify with their beliefs/values. When your beliefs/values are your identity, anything that would push you to doubt, reconsider, or abandon your beliefs/values is treated as an existential threat, an attack that could potentially wipe out your sense of self. This is why most people react to infringement upon/violation of their values with anger. Anger motivates reinforcement of boundaries and strengthening of values. Have you ever noticed that, more often than not, people walk away from heated debates even more hardened in their stance?

How do you accept that people have different values? The logical answer is to have a more sophisticated understanding of the relationship between values and identity, rather than treating them as one in the same. There are three aspects to consider:

(1) Emotional Intelligence: To "have feelings about___" are really value judgments based on emotions. Who generates your feelings and emotions? YOU do. As I explain in the article on EI, one essential lesson to learn is how to take full responsibility for your feelings and emotions, rather than blaming someone/something else for "causing" them. Blame is always counterproductive because it is always a distraction from the real issue at hand.

Being judgmental is finding fault and blaming others for moral failing. But projection means your judgment process is severely compromised because your unconscious ego dramas are distorting your perception. People believe their feeling judgments reflect the truth of the world, but what they actually reveal is an ugly truth within. When you become aware of projecting, the onus is on you to go within and sort things out. But you won't do that as long as you believe your feelings/emotions were caused from the outside.

(2) Critical Thinking: Although it is a crucial aspect of growing up, it is actually rare for people to carefully construct their belief/value system. For the majority of people, their beliefs/values are mostly adopted through "happenstance" factors such as: inborn personality preferences, parental guidance, educational upbringing, peer pressure, media influence, social norms, cultural background, moral or religious indoctrination, etc.

In other words, the contents of your mind, which you take to define who you are, were largely constructed by your environment, through the complex process of socialization. Until you possess the humility to admit this truth about the hollowness of your identity, you will keep identifying with your beliefs/values and, as a result, feel triggered/threatened every time they get invalidated.

And how does sensitivity to invalidation affect your approach to anyone you deem "different" from you? To be "triggered" by them is a violent reaction, tinged with anger, perhaps even hate. Being judgmental indicates you feel superior in your moral values, but being controlled by negative thoughts and behaviors (such as annoyance, anger, hate, blame, condemnation, persecution...) is as revealing of your moral character as the values you claim to hold, right? When you're gripped by self-righteousness, you don't see the destructiveness of it, because all you see is how others are "wrong".

When people reach the stage of ego development of realizing that their identity is more than just the beliefs/values they were socialized to believe in, they achieve the mental distance necessary to stop identifying with them. By opening yourself up to this scary but edifying process of "losing the self", you create space to rebuild your belief/value system through sound reasoning. And whenever you meet someone different from you, you're more likely to embrace the experience as an opportunity for self-reflection. In the event that your beliefs/values are proven false, oversimplified, contradictory, or hypocritical, you'll be able to correct them, i.e., to keep evolving into a better version of yourself.

Earlier I implied that it's hypocritical to react to other people's judgmentalness with your own judgmentalness. Does being judgmental change anything or improve the situation? No, which is the first sign that it's not the right response. How should you correct your response? You seem to believe it's achieved through accepting that people have different beliefs/values...

(3) Empathy: To have empathy requires perspective taking, to put yourself in someone else's shoes. It means taking the time to understand what is really motivating them behind appearances -> Ni. Ni development teaches you that it's often necessary to dig deeper in order to get at the truth of things. This ability to reflect more deeply will also grant you better access to Fi. The nice thing about Fi is that developing it properly helps people be more empathetic. Once you understand something for yourself, it's easier to extend that understanding to others.

For instance, if it's possible for you to release yourself from identification with your beliefs/values, then it's also possible for you to see people as being separate from their beliefs/values. In other words, disliking someone's beliefs/values doesn't mean you have to dislike them as a person. You can empathize with the fact that they may not be fully conscious of what they do and they may not know a better way to behave, in the same way you didn't know any better than to return judgmentalness with more judgmentalness.

When you approach people with judgmentalness, you basically signal that you are treating them as inferior to you, that you want to change them according to your standards, that you will not accept them unless they bend to your will. Would you like to be approached in this way? From this perspective, it's unsurprising that people react to being harshly judged by doubling down on their negative behavior. Nobody likes to have their dignity stripped from them.

When you have enough empathy for yourself to properly understand the error of your own ways, you can then extend the empathy to others and understand that they err for similar reasons as you. People only do what they know, and if they were led through socialization to believe and value the wrong things, they'll behave the wrong way. Nobody gets to choose how they were socialized. Would you like to take the blame for something you didn't choose? And should you blame people for something they never chose?

This isn't to say that you should just slip into moral relativism and agree that all beliefs/values are equally valid. Some beliefs/values are indeed better than others, and with critical thinking, you can decide which ones are better for you to hold. You are entitled to your beliefs/values. But are you entitled to the power to impose them on others? No, and you shouldn't accept imposition from others. But if you accept people as they are, holding the beliefs/values you disagree with, does it mean they are no longer responsible for their negative actions? No, you can still hold people accountable for the harm they inflict. Empathy isn't about being weak, passive, or turning a blind eye to immorality.

Empathy is about respecting people's dignity and humanity, as opposed to acting out of hurt, anger, hate, or retaliation. People may do wrong but it doesn't mean they are fundamentally broken or unworthy of care and compassion. Empathy gives you a chance to address immorality without resorting to immorality yourself and creating an environment that destroys humanity. Empathy makes people much more receptive to reason because no attack is occurring that requires stubborn defense. Empathy opens up the possibility of negotiating positive change with people, rather than trying to force change that backfires on you.

For example: Is it possible to discuss issues factually and reasonably without launching into personal attacks? Is it possible to hold people to account without shaming them, condemning them, and stripping them of their dignity? Is it possible to encourage people to change their behavior through incentives rather than punishments? If you chose these kinds of responses to wrongdoing, what would it say about your values and your moral character?

When you judge someone, you're reacting to something that you believe is morally wrong. Ask yourself, "what's the best way to address it?" And that should set your intention for how to approach the situation in the best possible way.

[codabound]

I said that I was gonna do it, soooo, without further ado...

Why I do not particularly care for nor generally like Riley Zhou from Leasebound

All of this is essentially just going to be a bulleted list with no real order, and all of this is specifically just my opinion of her character, as well as the very obviously distasteful aspects that she's been written with.

Starting off with number one, and the most obvious point:

She is very obviously supposed to be Rusty's self-insert.

Thought that one was a bit on the nose. Hell, in one of the comic panels in Chapter 6, Rusty basically admits that herself. So already, Riley kind of gets points off for being a bigoted and generally very nasty and rude creator's self-insert.

Moving on to number two:

She's borderline absent from the comic's actual story because of just how little of character she's given.

Yeah, a few people have talked about this before, it's just a little bit asinine that a literal side character who's existence is to motivate Jaden was given an entire backstory and more character development before Riley, who is literally one of the two main characters.

We know so little about Riley that you could count her character qualities on both hands. She's vegetarian, she has a cat that she loves, she has a cute girlfriend, she's non-confrontational and docile, she apparently grew up in a cultish religious upbringing... And that's kind of about it..?

What worsens this is that the most interesting of these qualities of her character have had practically 0 development since Leasebound was first created. In my opinion, and I believe most would likely agree, the most interesting part about Riley and her potential backstory is the fact that she grew up in a religious upbringing, possibly JW or just culty in general, and then was subsequently disfellowed and no longer has any contact or connection with her family, or specifically her mother, likely either because she was discovered for being lesbian, or just left on her own accord, which religious cults see as a big ol' no-no.

But we barely know anything about that part of Riley! The closest we've ever gotten is the little nudges to it in the first few chapters of the comic, and a few little hints to it in the behind-the-scenes bits that Rusty has made. And who knows how much longer we'll have to wait until we finally get some kind of story development for her, if Rusty even decides to get to it at all.

Onto numero tres!

She's kind of at fault for a good half of Leasebound's conflict, yet gets practically zero of the blame.

I already went into this in my previous post before this, so there's no use beating a dead horse. Essentially, Riley is a doormat, and that's pretty annoying.

Number four:

She gives off the most heavy "uwu soft squishy smol bean" early 2016 vibes

Now, I suppose this could be overlooked given that Leasebound was first being developed in 2017, and was then first being published in 2019, where treating a character as a "smol bean" was generally more normalized and acceptable.

... So now it's jarring how she's continually treated this way in nearly 2025.

I've said this before in a previous post, it doesn't entirely feel as though a lot of Leasebound's fans treat Riley like an actual person, rather just this "little baby bean, needs to be protected from that evil HOP Blaire 🥺🥺🥺"

It just gives off this really off-putting and weird vibe.

Number five:

Her feelings for Jaden, how said feelings are detrimental to Blaire, and the lack of development for said feelings.

I've already kind of gone over this one a bunch of times to, so to keep their short: Riley has a girlfriend, doesn't agree with her girlfriend's political views, so to cope with that, Riley actively pines for her roommate who's she's only known for a whole week at best and who only seems mildly interested in her back. Yikes, I say.

Number six:

The fashion sense of a wall with paint drying.

In general, nearly every character in Leasebound has an absolutely atrocious taste in fashion, since for some reason, Rusty appears to believe that a character having even just a pinch of style in their wardrobe = patriarchy. But Riley especially fits this category, because all she seems to ever wear are t-shirts, button ups with little to no design or patterns that are appealing to the eye, and...

This. Yeah, I have to come out and say it, this look for Riley is just not it. I don't like it. At all. Sorry, TERFs ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

And for some miscellaneous points that I generally dislike about her but don't exactly feel like getting into, or just feed into another existing point about her I've/somebody else have already made:

・The insane leaps and stretches that both the comic and TERFs have taken to keep up the idea that she is a "victim" of her girlfriend

・Her Marinette Dupain-Cheng levels of white-washing for being a half Asian character.

・The weird way she's portrayed whenever she's shown during sexual scenes. Seriously, it icks me out seeing people be like "omg!! Riley, the smol innocent little bean who can barely ask for ketchup by herself knows how to fuck??!". Ugh

・She's so underdeveloped that I'm pretty sure she has no actual relations or friendships with any other characters than Jaden, Blaire and Brick. She's only just recently met Faith and Violet, and briefly came into contact with Chez and Parniya and the other Yonique workers as of these recent panels, but that's about it. Even then, most of her relationships stay bound to just Jaden and Riley. Like, does she have no other friends?? Nobody else she can talk to?? It just feeds more into the fact that she has little to no development outside of pining for Jaden

・She's dating Blaire and Blaire deserves better than that

・I have a very sneaking fear that she may just never actually develop, or at the very least just grow an actual spine, and that the comic will take the route of "She'll never have to go through big scary confrontations ever again, because her huge strong muscle girlfriend will do that for her!". Let's at least hope that isn't the case

Like I said, a whole lot of this post is essentially just my opinion on her as a character, so feel free to add your own insights and opinions in the case that there are also aspects of her character that bother you.

I know I'll probably have my head on a platter by any TERFs who actually bother to read this past the title, but then again, when have I not been under fire by TERFs.

[themorrigans-crow]

CW: TRAUMA DUMP, MISGENDERING, TRANSPHOBIA, PARENTS, MENTIONS OF SA, SELF HARM, ADDICTION AND S**C*DE

Dear Mom and Dad,

I don't know if I'll ever want you to read this. Maybe you'll come across it on here. Maybe not. But I need these words put into the world.

When I came out to you the first time, as nonbinary, Mom said "I just don't get it." I didn't expect you to, but I expected you to listen and hoped you'd change your vernacular for me. I spent so much time worrying about what you'll say. Worrying about how you'll view me. Wondering if you'll love me. Dad, with your "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about" and "men don't cry" lessons, and threatening to spank me if I stepped out of line, even as an adult. "You're never too old to be put over my knee." And Mom with your religious upbringing and stubborn personality. You never did change well. Neither of you did. But I hoped for the best.

Still you said "I don't think I'll be able to use they/them pronouns. It just doesn't make sense to me." Both of you deadnamed me and misgendered me for months, saying "it's hard to change when I've known you as our son for so long." Dad got better faster. Mom, you really didn't. Neither of you understood why I stormed out after you introduced me as your "son" to friends.

Fine. Whatever.

So I stopped telling you things. I stopped telling you what was going on in my life. I never told you I've been SA'd multiple times. I didn't tell you I started hormones until I had been on them for a while and couldn't hide the changes. I didn't tell you I attempted to stop existing, twice. I didn't tell you I got addicted to alcohol and self harm.

You got upset that I wasn't telling you things. So, in an effort to bring you back into my life, I opened up.

When I came out to you a second time, as a trans woman, you said you loved and supported me. You said you want what's best for me, and while you don't understand what's going on, you're going to try. I told you about my attempts, and your reactions were of concern and want to help me. But you'd already lost a lot of my trust in you. You told me how scary it is for you. I got a semicolon tattoo. Dad, you said "are you sure you know what that's for? That's not something to mess around with." Yes, because just like all the other permanent changes to my body I've made, I haven't done the research into it, and made the decision on a whim. That last sentence was sarcasm, if you didn't pick up on it.

I remember the conversation we had, early in the morning on a trip while the others were sleeping. You referred to me as "he" and I said, "this needs to stop. I'm not your son. I'm your daughter. If it continues, I will buy the next plane ticket home and you will never see me again." I was told how disrespectful I was being, that I shouldn't talk that way to my parents. I stood my ground. I like to think you got the point eventually.

Maybe I would have figured it out sooner, that I was trans. Maybe I would have experimented with my gender and sexuality if you were more accepting in my youth. I was always so afraid to question things. With a parenting style of "because I said so" and "I'll give you a reason to cry" and not recognizing your child has different needs, who can blame me? I always found friends among the girls at school. Never the boys. I hated sports, didn't understand why I couldn't hang out with girls alone when I was a kid, and only did scouts cause I thought that's how you valued me. Gods I hated it. But on the bright side, I wouldn't have met my now girlfriend if we hadn't met there. So, there's a silver lining.

Eventually you stopped deadnaming me and misgendering me, and I suspect it was under threat of me kicking you out of my life forever. At least that stopped.

I was hopeful. I opened up about my hormones and surgeries I wanted and needed to get. To which you replied, "are you sure you want this?" and "I don't know if that's a good thing to do, you'll hurt your body. There are complications and risks" like I hadn't been doing research since I had access to the internet. I started being around you more. Hoping you changed. I told you about my autism and ADHD diagnosis.

But then I started talking politics and trans rights. Trans kids deserve gender affirming care and trans people deserve to have a normal life, have their care covered by insurance. For it to not be labeled as "cosmetic". Trans rights are human rights. You told me trans kids can get hurt by hormone blockers or they don't know what they're talking about. I told you JK Rowling is a TERF, and showed you tweets and articles and things she has said. To which your response "I just don't believe that." I told you people are trying to take our rights away. You didn't say or do anything about it except question me and say I don't know what I'm talking about. I was told "there's no way you have autism or ADHD." I had so much hope. I prayed and hoped that you had changed. But no.

You tell me how hard it is for you. All the changes I'm going through. That it feels like your child is being taken away. That you're mourning me. I understand change is difficult. I understand what you don't know is scary. But I'm not dead. I'm still here. Your daughter is here despite everything she's gone through.

And I'm so confused. The two of you are so nice and kind on the outside, to other people. But when what you know about the world gets questioned, you don't even stop to consider that you might be wrong. You're so kind in front of other people, respectful and courteous. But when it's just us, I barely hear you call me your daughter, and you don't stop with the "are you sure you're doing the right thing" and "it just feels like we're mourning you" and "it's so tough on us." You make it so hard to believe you.

When I expressed my needs of not being touched, Dad, you said I was being disrespectful and that because you're my father you should have consent to touch me. I always hated when you touched my clothes, or fixed something you thought was out of place. You never asked if it was okay. You never cared what I thought. Now when I tell you "don't touch me" or I am nonverbal and overstimulated and your touch physically hurts me, you say I'm disrespectful and hurting you. I tell you I'm not able to verbalize my needs all the time, and I'm disrespectful for showing you nonverbal ways of telling you. When I stood up for myself, I was being disrespectful. Fuck. You.

You say you're proud of me. You say you love me. I haven't believed you for years. Not a word. You lost that trust a long time ago.

So fine, if you want to mourn your son, that's fine. It's called a deadname for a reason. But I'll be here if you ever decide to look up and see your daughter.

So for now I'll play along. Try to rebuild that trust. Try to help you understand what's going on and keep you updated in my life. Be the kid you're mourning. The one who is being torn apart.

Allison, I know you'll read this. Hopefully one day I can show you everything I'm talking about here. One day I'll show you what I mean when I say I struggle with my parents. Maybe this already shines some light on the situation. I love you.

Mom and Dad, I don't know if I'll ever trust you. You haven't been my emergency contacts for years. I want to trust you. I want to love you. I want to have you in my life and have you in my support system. But I don't think you deserve that. Not yet.

Warm regards,

Your daughter, Morgan.