#and being utterly convinced that things were definitely so much better now

[grison-in-space]

You know, I was just thinking about the It Get Better Project. It rolled out when I was in college, and I distinctly remember my college Lambda Alliance* holding it with a certain level of sardonic, bitter cynicism. We were all pretty conscious of exactly how hard "it gets better" weighs when you're actively in the process of making it better. And that process can be heartbreaking. I was still under the impression that I could find out some way to come out to my parents that would make them want to listen to me and, like, give the tiniest shit about what I was feeling about anything. (The answer was no, but to be fair it's not like anyone gave the tiniest shit about what I felt before that either.)

I knew other people who had strained relationships with family, too. Or, well, we all lived in the South, and like all young adults we were considering whether we were going to flee to a more friendly state or what. The thing about interstate moves is that they're terrifying and expensive and have no guarantee of success, and that's never truer than when you aren't sure how much you can lean on a support network.

In 2010, there was this optimistic air that gay rights were just marching along with the passing of the years like an automatic rolling out of morality; it had been almost thirty years since the first traumatic shock of AIDS hit queer communities, and the enormous backlash against trans folks hadn't started to swing yet. To be honest, that's how that project landed. I mean, I know that as an ace twenty one year old, I'd never been all that impressed by Dan Savage. I never had any sense that anything was going to be better for me unless I rolled up my sleeves and took part in the collective labor of making it happen. And I remember talking to my friends at that Lambda Alliance about that.

It's hard to put your trust in things being sure to get better when you're actively putting in all the painful labor of making it better today, both by trying to advocate for other folks in your life and by changing things about yours. Like, how can you be sure "it will get better" when you're fighting for your family to accept you, and the thing that actually makes your life better is to stop trying? You have a lot more power as an adult, but sometimes all that means is the power to flee your home and become a wandering fugitive until you can find or make a new one. It's not the kind of thing you promise a kid, I thought then. But maybe I'm just too cynical.

So now I'm curious about people who weren't me. Bonus if you feel called to explain why.

*IDK, maybe we were all a pack of radicals? It was a state school in the South and at least four people at that time went on to careers of advocacy and activism; maybe we weren't representative? And I'm not counting me, but I've also published on queering biology, so... maybe I should, who knows.

[creepy-friday]

Can I make a request? Headcanons or a little Oneshot idk of Alastor x Wife!reader? Both being couple goals like Morticia and Gómez. Being evil together, like a good old classical couple 👉👈🥺

Alastor x Wife!Reader

I can see the reader symbolic animal being a crow/bat,and being able to manipulate/manifest them in both physical and shadow form

they would get along with Alastor's manifestations,sometimes he would pet them,have them around whenever you're not since he craves presence

both of you play spooky little tricks on the other demons such as making things levitate,opening the doors,flicking the lights,it's truly amusing seeing the undead fear the ..well..undead

you would give "soft nightmares" to someone then said someone would think they're prophetic and Alastor would further convince them they are just so that they make a deal with him to keep them safe from absolutely nothing

both of you give each other the side eye everytime something happens that both of you don't agree on

he has a shadow attached to you and inevitably the said shadow would try to woo you every chance he has

the "microphone" he has also has to be a little bit oblivious at times.

Both of you sit in complete silence,just enjoying each others presence while doing your own thing then suddenly his mic opens his little eye "what a lovely couple both of you are,what were the odds for both of you to be silent in bed!" Alastor chuckles and you let out an annoyed giggle "did you hear that,dear?" you ask him,putting your chore aside.

"Of course,just don't mind him,but for real now,what were the odds?" he continues to joke about it."No.That was the sound of a fucking divorce." you joke in return making him even more flustered and talkative,getting him all touchy feely with you

for real now,the word "divorce" makes him a top comedian,cook,lover and everything in between,even if it's in the context of a joke,he wouldn't want to lose you

if your personality tends to be more introverted/melancholic he would 100% take it as a challange and would do everything in his power to get you to do something completely out of your character

he never calls you by your name(except for serious occasions/spicy ones,if you know what I mean) but rather uses pet names such as "Honey";"Dear";"Darling"; "Cara mia"

uses every opportunity to dance with you whenever a good song is playing

you don't have to be shy with him,his mischievous personality will totally use it to his benefit and tease the living hell out of you

I have this lil' headcanon that if the both of you are listening in to a conversation and if you can't hear,he would manifest some old headphones to hear better "here you go,darling"

"Husk is adorable" you sing,trying to pet the man in question "Well,I say he looks completely utterly miserable!Of course you find him adorable!" Alastor laughs,bringing his one sided friend closer to your reach

asks your opinion on every important decision he has to make even if he is already sure about what to do.If you have a different view on it he will definitely reconsider

Angel Dust would be all sighs,puffs and "get a room" just because the two of you do simple romantic gestures such as Alastor's gentlemanly behaviour of kissing your hand and such

Vaggie's tolerance of Alastor drops to 0,but she adores enjoys your presence.She wishes both of you would have more time together but your husband always needs to barge in and annoy the living hell out of her.Alastor doesn't really likes her so he wouldn't want you around her that much

dark humour that leaves everyone poker face except the two of you

he doesn't except much from you tbh,just the same old love to be reciprocated

[lavender-romancer]

Push it Down

Astarion x GN Reader

Everyday it got worse, the longing stares interrupted when La’zel would curiously catch your eyeline always straying to Astarion. Or how you would always inextricably walk next to him regardless of the goal ahead. Shadowheart would often question if Astarion had to open “every lock we find” at your request. But you couldn't help it, being near him, with him was all you would think about

AN: Astarion brainrot is a real condition people. Lots of lovely fluff.

You're a squishy wizard

*°*°•.˜”*°•.˜”*°•.˜”*°••°*”˜.•°*”˜.•°*”˜.•°*”°*

“Do you have to make your feelings so obvious that it's painful?” Shadowheart asked as you looked through some random boxes you found in what remained of moonhaven.

“Do you have to bring this up again?” You jabbed back with a smile. “I'm not ashamed of it, but I will never outright admit it.”

“Lady of Sorrows guide you, I don't know how you're able to stand with your debilitating lack of a spine.” She raised her eyebrow and you simply rolled your eyes “Here, go give these to your boy-toy.” Handing you a few thieves' tools Shadowheart walked to another side of the room and continued looting.

You scampered outside, only realising when you were in front of Astarion how desperate it must have looked to run up to him like a dog wagging its tail excitedly. He was unlocking a chest that was one in a big group La'zel and Karlach had put together for him to deal with.

“Here,” you held out the tools with a smile that was much too big for such a small token.

“Thank you, darling.” He smiled up at you. “You're looking particularly overjoyed, what's got you so energetic?”

“Uh… looting.” You never were good at lying.

“Thank the Gods you never became a politician because your inability to deceive is one of your greatest qualities.” He opened the chest he had been working on.

“I suppose. But I wish I was better at more things like that, it just makes me so nervous to not be honest.” You fidgeted with your hands.

“Well, for starters you need to be better at improvising, it is adorable to see you try and lie to anyone and fail miserably. I'm convinced you should just be completely honest and people might not believe you.” Standing up he brushed the dust off his trousers and you were now face to face. Given, a few steps apart but it still made you smile and your feet shuffle anxiously.

“The tadpole has definitely made me better at lying, you have to at least admit that.” You were practically beaming, staring at him in awe.

“Still, you carry most of your emotions in your eyes and your inability to stop smiling. You'll get there eventually my friend, probably, I mean probably not but it's very sweet that you continue to try. Anyways, we should head back to camp for the evening I am positively spent.” Astarion walked past you to pick up his backpack and you internally groaned.

It was so deeply embarrassing when you couldn't keep your emotions hidden. A problem you had usually put down to anxiousness, but realistically it was just something you had to learn to live with. You were an open book with almost no air of mystique about you. Maybe that was why Astarion seemed so utterly uninterested in seeking anything but friendship or a quick night of passion.

As you lay in your tent, you conjured a mage hand to throw books at you to try and practice your telekinesis but it was going dreadfully. Whilst your magic was growing back to it's former strength before the tadpole you were still plagued by poor reaction times to basically anything. One quite powerful throw from the conjured hand hit your arm and you yelped, sure that it would leave a bruise.

“What mischief are you up too now?” A voice suddenly asked, distracting you from the task at hand as a book hit you square in the face.

“Fuck!” You exclaimed, dismissing the mage hand and rubbing your nose.

“Are you trying to be agile again? You know how that ended up last time.” Astarion joked as he entered your tent and sat down opposite you.

A funny but painful memory entered your mind when you had tried to climb over a very small wall to surprise some goblins and had instead ended up on your back in front of them. If falling over in front of some goblins wasn't bad enough, you had also slipped in grease that was extremely easy to avoid alerting the whole horde to your party's location. The bollocking you got from La'zel after that encounter made you promise to work on your ability to not be “such a fucking Wizard” whatever that meant.

“No, surprisingly I was failing at something else.” You quipped back at him, “anyways, did you want to feed or-”

“No, well yes but, I wanted to talk to you.” He licked his lips absentmindedly and seeing the slight glint of his fangs off the light of your candle made your eyes grow wider. You never knew you'd have a thing for vampires…

“Oh! Do uhm, talk away.” You cringed at your inability to string a sentence together.

“I- look. I know that I am beautiful and wonderful darling, but have you been looking at me slightly differently lately?” he asked, you could almost sense that he was nervous but you weren't sure why.

“What do you mean?” You responded with your eyes fixated on your bedroll on the floor as the alarm bells rang in your head.

“With more longing behind your eyes?” You hadn't noticed that same longing in his eyes which was often present in your gaze.

“Who- I- why did you get that impression?” You fumbled through your words and began fiddling with your robe.

“Oh, I…” he trailed off and you finally looked up, sensing his dejected tone you cocked your head.

“You sound disappointed.” Your tone was soft in an attempt to stop him from running away from the conversation.

“Disappointed? Darling if I wanted you I could most certainly have you.” Having returned to his snarky sense of security you frowned.

“Is that why you seem so annoyed? Because I rejected you before?” Your mind went back to drinking red wine with him, the sour taste filling your nose all over again. It wasn't that you didn't want him, you just didn't want the first time you could spend the night with him to be clouded with alcohol and regret. Maybe it had bruised his ego but there were so many reasons to try to let your bond grow overtime.

“You think that wounded me? I have laid with thousands and I'll lay with thousands more before I am hurt by that!” He exclaimed but you could see the hurt in his eyes that he struggled to hide.

“I didn't want it to be like that. Something that you might feel like was a mistake, a drunken mishap you'd rather forget. I didn't- I don't want you to think I did it because I did not want it. Under different circumstances things would have been different for me.” Clasping your hands together you tried to reach his gaze but it was so accusatory that it was making your heart pound.

“I- I don't think I've ever been rejected as tactfully as you did.” Astarion almost laughed with a far-away look in his eyes.

“It didn't feel genuine and I couldn't allow myself to be swept up in all of it knowing that we weren't on the same page with our feelings about one another.” Smiling sadly you looked at the book that had previously hit you in the face, pushing it to the side you moved a bit closer to him. “I'm sorry that you felt like you had to do that, that night I mean. Correct me if I'm wrong, please.”

“I'm not sure how you know me so well that it's almost concerning.” His voice sounded strained as he departed from his snarky performative notes.

“You've become my favourite distraction through all of this shit we've dealt with. I really like being around you, it will be a shame when it all comes to an end when we get to Baldurs Gate.” your voice didn't show your true sadness but your eyes certainly did and Astarion could tell.

“I was hidden for so many years within those city walls, imprisoned and kept as a loyal pet before the nautiloid. A grim reality was the only way to escape the even worse life I was living and… I never thought I'd make friends let alone feel connected to someone. But you, you're thoughtful and sweet and respectful and too perceptive for your own good but so silly and honestly so bad as hiding that it's hilarious. Finding someone who understands you is a great gift and I would not like to squander it.” Astarion reached out his hand and it shook slightly as he showed his true vulnerability. You looked from his hand to his face, it was genuine and really from everything you could gather, it seemed like he was being the most honest he'd ever been with you.

“You want to stay together?” Your voice was so hopeful as your head told you that you were an idiot.

“Yes. You fool. Was that not clear. Now hold my hand so we're not both fools.” He rolled his eyes and you hurriedly held his hand. Your clamminess was immediately obvious given his hand was ridiculously cold. “God you mortals are always sweaty aren't you.” He gave you a cheeky smile and you had to laugh or you'd descend into an anxiety ridden madness.

“Do you want to stay here tonight? I would enjoy a cuddle.” You asked.

“Just a cuddle Darling?” He flirted but there was still that look behind his eyes that was there after the tiefling party. The look you had come to understand was the dogma drilled into him to seduce, sleep with and then sacrifice all his conquests. Sex wasn't the same in Astarion's head as it was in yours but you didn't mind, it wasn't important to you.

“Just a cuddle.” You smiled in a way that you hoped was supportive and whilst he looked surprised he didn't seem disappointed. “Come here,” you lay down on the pillows and invited him to chest.

Whilst tentative he rested his head on your chest and slowly placed his hand on your arm. You without warning wrapped your arms around him in a squeeze of a hug that would probably suffocate someone who wasn't already dead. But he seemed to appreciate it as he nuzzled under your chin and his body began to relax. You stayed like that for a while until you began to snore and Astarion peeled himself from your embrace. He sat up and started to read, every so often glancing down at you. How an earth had he allowed himself to fall for a Wizard?

Astarion Taglist:

@anukulee

[wist0ragic]

#☆ yandere glamrock freddy !¡ headcanons

(this is my first time writing something so bear with me 😭 it was kinda rushed near the end)

cw: possessive behaviour, overprotectiveness, slightly controlling, slight stockholm syndrome, slightly manipulative, typical yandere behaviour you would expect

- for starters as you would expect and just like everyone else would agree, glamrock freddy is a much more tame yandere

- he’s definitely not out for blood and would in no way physically harm you or others unless absolutely pushed to do so (and only then he would hurt others if absolutely necessary)

- but he will absolutely guilt trip you with those sweet eyes of his and insist that he’s the only one who could really protect you and keep you safe from the harsh reality of the world and all of its cruelties

- whether you’re an employee at the mega pizza plex or simply a customer who stops by when they can, you manage to catch the bots eye on day one

- for example let’s say we went with the idea that you were an employee that worked for the massive place, it would be your first day and of course the usual anxieties of starting something new start to overwhelm you a little

- especially since your main duties would be maintenance work on the big four

- and who else but freddy would immediately pick up on the fact that you were nervous on your first day and happily offer guidance and reassurance

- i mean he practically spends the whole day with you glued to your hip, or at least as much as he can, what with being the big man himself

- but as soon as any shows or birthday parties were finally over with freddy would immediately find his way to wherever you were and fret over how you were doing without him

- had you taken enough breaks? did you drink enough water? did you have something to eat on break? have customers and coworkers been nice to you? have his band mates been treating you well? did you miss him?

- all of these are questions that freddy would fire off rapidly due to worry

- eventually, after some time working at the pizza plex, you open up to freddy about how the monotony of work was getting to you

- and that having to deal with shitty coworkers and customers five days a week was utterly exhausting

- that’s when the idea clicked in the bots head

- freddy could tell you were tired and so who better than him to rescue you from all of that stress and nonsense?

- he just knew that he was the only who could keep you happy and content, even if that meant locking you away in his room

- “but superstar… you shouldn’t have to worry about such silly things like work. you’re too precious to be so stressed out and tired. so let me take care of you from now on. I promise I can make you happy in here with me. It’ll be just us…. forever and ever”

- and a part of that delusional offer does sound tempting you have to admit, to have the glamrock freddy care for you and look after you, but at the end of the day escape still lingered in the back of your mind

- the same could be said if you were a customer as well

- only difference is that freddy would have first met you after his performance, he recognized you from all the cheering you did, it was incredibly endearing

- after that freddy would eagerly wait for you, counting down the days until your next visit and celebrating each and every time you stopped by

- but he would still just as easily find a way to convince you to come with him in his room to spend time together

- “come on superstar! it’s been too long since we last got to hang out, let’s catch up in my room! i have plenty of time before my next show”

- and who wouldn’t trust the big ol’ sweetheart?

- that’s when you would find yourself with the door locking heavily behind you and freddy managing to slip you a nighttime candy or two

- “shhh now superstar, i’ve got you, you’re finally safe now with me” and that would be the last thing you hear before your whole world slowly fades to black

“we were meant for each other, no one else can love you the way i do, so let’s stay together forever…. alright?”

[not-magdi]

Period

Summary: Well it‘s that time of the month again 😑 Luckily this time you‘re not alone 😁

Warnings: None

Words: 1.1k

A/N

As someone who currently is experiencing the same thing I would like to say that I also want to be babied at some point, but who is there for me? Nobody 😑

(A short moment to appreciate how frigging cute that boy looks!❤️)

Since Y/N woke up today she knew something was off, everything in her body ached and her head hurt like crazy. She had no clue what was going on, but whatever it was it should better stop sooner than later because she some things to do, her boyfriend Pablo for example.

Y/N and Pablo have been boyfriend and girlfriend for about a month now, everything was going great, the chemistry between them was awesome, and they were still really deep in their honeymoon phase.

Still, they need to get used to each other, not wanting to scare the other one off they try to do everything that involves the other as perfectly as possible.

Now Y/N was about to get out of bed when she felt a stabbing pain in her lower abdomen, rushing to the bathroom her fear was confirmed, she got her period.

"Oh come on ... you're a week too soon" complained Y/N cleaning herself up and reaching for a tampon.

Coming out of the bathroom she felt horrible, her abdomen was punishing her with the worst cramps she felt in a while and her head was killing her. Going into the kitchen she starts to boil water for her heating pad as she turns around to open the fridge she sees the red circle on her calendar.

Today her and Pablo were supposed to go to this new nightclub that opened last week, he wanted her to meet a few of his friends today, but knowing her body she was going to feel horrible for the rest of the day.

Feeling really guilty she thought about what she should do, calling Pablo and telling him how horrible she felt and him probably being very disappointed, or her still going but most likely not enjoying the evening and making a bad impression on his friends, which then again leads to Pablo being disappointed in her.

Sighing she presses Pablo's contact calling him.

"Hola amor what's up" Pablo answers after two rings.

"Hola bebé I think I need to cancel today, I'm feeling really sick today and I don't want to ruin everyone's evening," she says while sitting down on the couch rubbing her abdomen.

"Oh no ... you want me to come over? I could look after you", Pablo asks with genuine concern.

Wanting nothing more than be cuddled up in Pablo's arms while he looks after her she still declines, "No baby you don't have to it's not that bad" She winces at the end of her sentence as a really bad cramp surges through her.

"Are you sure, you do not sound good ... are you in pain?" not convinced by her statement he asks her.

"No! ... well yes, kind of. It's just ... I'm on my period and everything kind of hurts" Convinced he is going to be disgusted she mumbles the last part.

"Oh poor thing, I'm definitely coming over ... I've seen how much my sister suffers from that. I'm not leaving you alone in your misery ." He exclaims with an affectionate tone.

Touched by his statement she cuddles herself deeper into the couch hearing him say he is going to be there in thirty minutes, as he has to do a few things before he can come.

Unbeknownst to Y/N Pablo called his sister asking her what he should do now because, to be honest, he had no clue where he should even start.

Being utterly confused why her brother was calling her out of nowhere asking what girls like on her period she tells him a few basic things everybody enjoys, chocolate, heated blankets, ...

After getting a few ideas from his sister he drove to the nearest store and bought a few snacks for her and a pair of fluffy socks he knows she loves so much.

He bought everything he thought she might need, and nearly emptied the whole sweets section. He drove to her house gently knocking on the front door.

"It's open!", he hears Y/N yell, and as he opens the door he sees a pale-looking Y/N cuddled under her favourite blanket all in all looking pretty sick. The sight breaks his heart, placing the bags from his shopping trip beside the couch. He kneels before her kissing her head.

"Oh amor ... you really don't feel good, do you?" stroking her head he sees her shaking her head groaning as another cramp hits.

Lifting the shopping bags he exclaims softly, "I brought you some snacks, I didn't know what to get you so I just grabbed a few of my favorite comfort snacks"

Smiling softly Y/N looks into the bag seeing lots of different types of food from sweet to sour everything was there.

"Thank you that's perfect" being really touched by his actions tears start to form in her eyes.

„Hey Bebé ... it's ok no need to cry" wiping the tears away with his thumb Pablo kisses her nose earning himself a teary giggle.

„I'm sorry it's just that ... you're like the sweetest person I've ever met. Nobody ever brought me snacks while I'm on my period or cared for me like that"

„Well then it's time we change that ... scooch over I want some cuddles."

Scooching over Pablo climbs behind her so he's sitting up and she has her back to his chest, hearing her groan in pain again he asks;" Is there anything I can do to help you with the pain?"

Thinking for a short while Y/N answers, " Yes there actually is." Taking his hands she brings them to her abdomen, "Just hold your hands there please, your warmth will ease the cramps."

Nodding Pablo holds her abdomen with his hands starting to massage it after some time, hearing Y/N sigh he smiles to himself looking down and seeing her cuddle herself deeper into him.

"You comfy?" he asks her with a smile. Looking up at him with an adorable little smile she nods wrapping her arms around his.

"Don't you have to go soon, otherwise you'll be late to meet up with your friends." looking up at him Y/N  asks Pablo.

"I said they can go without me, I'd rather be with my girl anyways." kissing her head he answers.

"Really? ... Awww you're so sweet when you want to" she exclaims, gasping Pablo looks at her. "What's that supposed to mean!?"

Giggling Y/n gives Pablo a kiss before cuddling herself into him again, falling asleep not much later, in the safety of her boyfriends' arms who she grows to love more and more every day.

[cinderflower]

Thoughts on SotE now that I've seen/explored essentially everything the DLC has to offer.

This post is quite lengthy so I've put it under a read more.

Overall, I did enjoy this DLC and most of what it included. There were only a few major issues I had with it and most of it is from a lore perspective (wow guess about what!) and a lot due to my own personal preferences. So I'll start with the positive, because there is actually a lot of positive with this DLC.

Gameplay: I really enjoyed the gameplay and world design of the DLC, the new weapons, etc. Overall from a pure gaming perspective this is primarily peak FS. While the bosses could be excessive at times with how few openings you get and how short those openings are, that didn't bother me at all for the most part. Most bosses felt fair and rewarding to fight and defeat and tbh at the end of the day that's mostly what I care about when playing these games. Metyr, Rellana, & Putrescent Knight in particular stand out as the two I enjoyed learning the movesets of and fighting the most (except Metyr's lazer beam spin attack, good god).

Level Design: The levels acting as self-contained areas similar to the base game was definitely appreciated and I did enjoy having to figure out how to traverse the map to get to the various places. Each area was unique and visually stunning - though the lighting and saturation at times was jarring. The frenzied flame area in particular stood out to me as something I'd love to see revisited again from a design and mechanics perspective. Also the Cerulean Coast and Trina's area were gorgeous.

Lore: Trina!! The main standout that I enjoyed was the Trina lore. Also the lore regarding the shadow realm, frenzied flame, the fingers, Ymir, Messmer, and Marika all felt mostly seamless with the base game with most having callbacks to lore scattered around in the main game itself. There's a few things I disagree with fandom's interpretation on already but that's to be expected.

Most of the positive is a lot of what people have already been saying so I'm not going to belabor the points too much.

Now, what didn't I enjoy?

Gameplay: The excessive re-use of base game mini-bosses, specifically the ones I already hated fighting (dragons, death rite bird, fallingstar beasts) ended up all feeling like a chore rather than being rewarding. Similarly, the furnace golems got really old really fast and the gimmick ones weren't even enjoyable to figure out - I'll absolutely skip them if I play through this again. Lastly, I'm convinced the Commander Gaius fight was designed in a lab to be utterly miserable to me specifically because it had every single mechanic I hate in a fight.

Level Design: Some areas were so incredibly barren it was a chore walking through them. As mentioned above the shadows and saturation at times was jarring so I do wish that had been cleaned up.

Lore: By far the lore I was most excited for is the lore that disappointed me the most, and not even necessarily because of the story it was trying to tell, but how it told it. I've always from day 1 been onboard with a version of Miquella that strives to make the world better from a sense of naive idealism that ends up leading him down a similar path as Marika once he sees that everything he tries fails to come to fruition, that he cannot undermine the Golden Order and the state of the world with what power he has and with the power he has at his side. I am onboard with a Miquella who piece by piece compromises his ideals in an "end justifying the means" kind of way - so my complaint is how they actually went about trying to tell that exact setup.

Before even the Radahn debacle, the heavy heavy heavy leaning into the bewitchment aspect of Miquella was so incredibly disappointing because it strips his character of what I personally found so intriguing about him: a character who lured people to his side for his sense of idealism, people who then had to come to terms with their own atrocities committed on his behalf for the sake of this ideal future, and all the complexities that accompany that. I always find that mind-control, bewitching, etc in fiction is an incredibly difficult tool to use in a way that is narratively satisfying which is why I detest the use of it so much, because it does exactly what it did here - it took the characters who had their own motivations, lore, and complexities pre-DLC and stripped them down to being either one-note, victimized, or it trivializes their own lore entirely. Primary casualties of this lazy writing choice: Miquella, Mohg, Radahn, and Malenia

Moving into Mohg - I just hate it, what can I say. It's all the above. The whole reason Miq needs his body is such a weak plot point that I have no words. The bewitchment takes this character who was such a beautiful narrative foil to Morgott, strips him of that complexity, and is now forever cast into the victim role. I'm not saying he isn't a victim, don't get me wrong, but to me it was more compelling when that victimhood was at the hands of Marika and the Golden Order. It felt satisfying seeing a character in contrast to Morgott who rose in the Erdtree's defense trying to make something new in response to being outcast and shunned. Sure, were the means at the hands of an Outer God? Yes. Was the blood cult cruel and wicked? Also yes - in fact, as I write this, Mohg seems more of a mirror of Marika than anyone else. Suffering under the current regime and creating an empire to overthrow it; but unable to claim godhood himself like Marika did, he needed a surrogate candidate for godhood, specifically the Formless Mother's godhood: Miquella (assuming only empyreans can become gods and Ranni's body is gone and Malenia is already under the influence of the Rot God). The reasoning for his kidnapping of Miquella is already there, so why did the DLC feel the need to cheapen everything about that narrative to just go "haha jk he was bewitched this whole time" ! Unsatisfying. Deeply disappointing.

Radahn is baffling, even now after sitting on the lore for a few days, it is utterly baffling to me. I get how the DLC set everything up so please don't try to explain it to me, I get it, but it just makes no sense when looking at what the base game set up and even Miquella's ideals? If Miquella is looking to build an age of compassion, why choose the character who wants to be a warmonger? They even re-state numerous times how Radahn finds that war suits him, which makes sense, because his character was about aspiring to be like Godfrey who was The Warmonger Extraordinaire. It made sense that between his allegiance to Sellia and his tutelage under the Alabastor Lords that he would hold back the stars (which control fate, though the DLC did muddy this up too, a post for another time) and would use that power to defend the control he had and seek out more control. But why would he seek it out at Miquella's side and make a vow for an age that would end in the lack of war? That would put him docile and complacent, nothing more than a tool, at Miquella's side?? Especially because if he idolizes Godfrey, surely he would have seen how when Godfrey no longer served his purpose, when there were no more wars to fight, that Marika cast him out - so why would he ever agree or make any sort of vow to that end? It makes no sense to me. It also absolutely makes the whole battle of Aeonia so trite and meaningless, so utterly devoid of any of the dynamic that made it compelling.

Which brings me to Malenia who actually got me interested in ER lore in the first place. It was her character that got me more interested in Miquella and consequently Mohg as characters. So what the DLC has done to her character is nothing short of tragic to me. What was the point of it all? Obviously for her scarlet rot to be cured is a big part and her loyalty to Miquella is as well and I do still believe she would go to would go to devastating lengths in his name (at least pre-DLC). But post-DLC? With the Radahn lore? Why would she entertain the battle of Aeonia in the first place? Why would she nuke herself and Caelid to try and kill Radahn if it was all "according to Miquella's plan"???? It cheapens the devastation, it cheapens her character, and it makes her look worse. Also Miquella was there as well as we see from dialogue with Freyja where he cures her of her rot so ??????? Why did Finlay have to single handedly carry her back to the Haligtree???? If this was all planned???? Someone please explain this to me because I cannot make it make sense.

The most glaring sins of all the above is that while the other lore the DLC expanded upon had roots and foreshadowing in the base game, the whole of Miquella's story in the way they decided to tell it - with the exception of Trina and his core motives - had nothing in the main game. It was all net-new information added in the DLC. And sure, DLCs are supposed to expand upon the base game and give new information, I don't disagree, but when everything else in the DLC has tie backs to the base game and this plot point doesn't? Not an item description? No environmental story telling? It's just bad writing. I refuse to believe the Haligtree statue is Radahn not Godwyn based on the base game lore, that's lazy as fuck justification. Similarly, I've seen people point to Loretta, and sure if Loretta was encountered in Caelid where all the Radhan lore was but she wasn't, she was with Ranni in the Ranni area so that's weak as hell too.

In summary: if this was the version of lore and Miquella that had been presented in the base game I would have absolutely no interest in the story or the character. If anything this DLC has served to actively sap out a lot of the excitement and joy I had in the series because it handled the main lore I was interested in so poorly (my opinion).

I'll probably still finish Field of Reeds as well as Truth and Blood especially now because I want to see the story through with the care that the DLC should have given to the characters, but beyond that? I can't see myself remaining invested in Elden Ring moving forward, especially not if the DLC canon seeps into the main fandom. I already dislike seeing the few Radahn/Miq things I've seen because of all the points above. If you liked the DLC and the Miq lore, more power to you, but I'll be cleaning up my feed to avoid a lot of it moving forward.

And my one last petty gripe: it's like they wanted the radahn/miq fight to echo the vibes of twin princes, but they utterly missed the point of why the twin princes fight from a mechanics and lore perspective was so interesting in the first place.

[ganondoodle]

okay more elden ring DLC spoilers below the read more

what fucks me up the most is ....... that we never actually get to meet the real actual Radahn, hes either a rotting zombie or some constructed meat puppet with a manipulated soul of his

the most we know is from the base game stuff, his men and everything, but we never get to meet him- and now ... it undermines the whole festival, i felt like it was sorrowful goodbye and attempt to grant him an honorable death- that made me fall for him in the end, the lore around that and the whole build up and vibe of it, it felt so genuine but now you cant feel that, bc you know .... either way he will be suffering, let him rot for all eternity being a threat to friend and foe alike, as this mindless monster chowing away at corpses like a beast when he used to be a powerful respected general

or kill him but instead of giving him the death he wanted his soul is instead grafted into a meat puppet by his half brother so he can be controlled and made to agree to marry him despite rejecting it in life (as far as i understood it, he definitely did reject it though bc otherwise malenia wouldnt have tried to assassinate him to get him delivered over)-

so theres no good answer and im left wondering, did his men know of that? im gonna guess no, bc the whole point of the festival was to bring him HONOR when there was nothing of his honor left, of him left, and theres no honor in being turned into a literal marionette for your half brothers sick play

you could call it tragic, and it is, but it feels so much more ..... like just wanting to violate him even in death, just because he hasnt suffered enough, lets make it even more horrible just for sufferings sake (like i get it, i like when my favs also get to suffer, what happened to him in the base game was a part of why i love him so much- but theres a limit to that imo) it takes away from so much of the festival and everything, you are not taking part in one last final battle so Radahn can die fighting, you are handing his soul over to his half brother that wants to use him like a puppet, LITERALLY, to make a mockery of his memory, make him do things he would never have if he was himself, i cant think of anything more horrible to do to him

and his people are utterly convinced they are doing right by him, when the rot was probably better than what miquella would do to him, as horrible as that was.. and if they WERE aware then wow ....... i guess miquella really had everyone on his side huh uwu, like that sucks even more, so none of them ever felt and cared about him or were all also brainwashed YIPPIIIE

(not to mention how much interesting miquella lore gets twisted into actually he was just a scheming little creep and everyone that followed him was quite literlally brainwashed- i know the whole bewitching thing is like, his thing, but MAN- it feels like whoops it was all a dream and it never actually happened when its done bad)

(and i know Radahn is a fictional character but people are gonna pin it on him i just know it, like espeically those that dont care about lore and are just there for the fights .... like its not his fault!!! and i felt like he was already hated enough, first by his too hard boss battle in base game and now in the DLC its a repeat of that even harder (though i find the complaints a lil >_> bc i have seen people just walk right over story bosses so just ... overlevel yourself if you want to do that too, you dont have to fight a boss for three days, explore and level up?) and it was already annoying how malenia defenders AND radahn defenders kept trying to make the other into some horrible asshat, when they are both not great and thats valid, but now its??? )

[astrum-aetherium]

Henry's been living rent free in my head since I read TSH like four months ago- I cannot stop thinking about him and your blog is single handedly fueling my obsession with him so thank you so much really.

Anyways- I know Henry is definitely not the soft type of guy, but I do believe he could get just a tiny little bit softer than he usually is (sparingly) were he to find a person he really liked?? This is probably just my guilty and mostly out of character pleasure, but imagining him being all cold and harsh as he is for the most part and then suddenly doing or saying that one unexpectedly tender thing out of nowhere (even in a nsfw context, that's even better) and then going back to his usual self in a heartbeat makes me go uughhh

i wholeheartedly agree with you. on so many levels. it's very easy to cross the utterly restrictive OOC boundaries when speaking/writing about him, since all we seem to know is how stoic and cool and constantly displeased he is (although i could impugn this very well — take the glass shard scene or his staying at the hospital with richard as an example).

us as readers, we cannot help but crave a little softness from him sometimes, and i understand that completely. i'm always willing to indulge us all in a scenario like that. in a better world, on slightly OOC premises, he would make an evidently detached, but caring partner. coincidentally, i have been thinking about just that for the past couple of days, despite formerly being convinced it would be entirely impossible to conduct a healthy relationship with that man (which, yeah, if we strictly stick to canon, it still would be, but that's the beauty about fiction — we get to brush past and alter some things to our enjoyment).

therefore, yes — with the opportunity to alter his character just a tiny bit, i believe he would let his soft side flash every now and again. i don't think it would be in any form of physical touch, however, as he certainly isn't one to put his feelings on display, especially in public (in private, however, that'd be a completely different story). it would mostly be symbolic with him. for instance, imagine it being your birthday. as your partner, he would know you inside and out — he is highly attentive and perceptive, especially when it comes to those closest to him, and he would absolutely be well-versed in anything that you might like, or mention liking. he would know. loving is knowing. therefore, for your birthday, he would not only think of and buy you the best and most thoughtful present imaginable, but he would also buy five more to give to the rest of the group under the pretense of "i know her/him/them better than all of you combined, which is why all of your gifts have already been taken care of".

that is how his affection would shine through — acts of service. being spoiled by him is another tremendous part of that. i have already approached this topic in two previous posts, but to summarize: he absolutely would be willing to spoil you in any way imaginable, as it would be the only plausible way for him to prove the depth of his feelings for you (along with kisses and other physical endeavors, which would exclusively be saved for private settings).

in addition, i feel like he would let himself be swayed more and more despite his dogmatic position, meaning he would be willing to comply or enter compromises, especially for you. orrr... to approach the aspect of him portraying the merest smidge of sweetness and immediately reverting to his stoic self — imagine a strand of hair having fallen loose from your hairstyle, or it simply veiling your hair too much, to the point where he would press the book he might be holding under his arm mid-conversation and brush it aside for you with a light smile, only to immediately proceed with whatever it is he had been occupied by previously.

from a nsfw standpoint, his care would mostly show in his being very forthcoming and reassuring to you (asking for consent, asking if you're in any discomfort during a position, checking up on you during rougher activity), and aftercare (bringing you towels/water/a cigarette (lol), proposing to go pee, holding you on occasion if matters had been overly rough and you might still be trembling).

he would also totally be the type to run his fingers through your hair and even play with it. i don't care how OOC some people believe this to be — i need it. sometimes a girl just needs something of the sort.

[oneofafew]

@thestrangerblog

Short request- Floating Candles Date with Sebastian.

I enjoyed writing this one, there is so much more I could do with it but I tried to keep it short for the time being.

I am loving these requests by the way.

Please excuse the lack of spellcheck and punctuation in this one, I wrote it at 1am when the inspo struck.

It was a note like any other completely unassuming she instantly recognised Sebastian’s hand writing and found herself smiling despite how utterly exhausted she was feeling, carefully she unfolded the parchment and read

Meet me by the bridge into the Forbidden Forest tonight

Love Sebastian x

As She glanced over it two things jumped out at her, the first was the very odd and vague location though by now she was used to his random escapades what struck her the most was the way he’d signed it with his “love” and a kiss at the end of his name, her brow furrowed as she tried to discern what it could mean, was he messing with her?

Sure the two of them had been flirting back and forth all year, casual comments and fleeting touches but she’d brushed it off and almost completely convinced herself it was purely friendly banter, surely if he was to ask her out it wouldn’t be to the edge of the forest, then again, this was Sebastian Sallow we where talking about.

She didn’t need to think on it, come the evening she’d already donned her warmer cloak and set off toward the castle gates making sure to keep out of the way of the prowling prefects, the night was still and a warm breeze ruffled her hair as she approached the location, she vaguely remembered following a similar path with Jackdaw and shuddered at the memory of what lay inside the forest, what on earth did Sebastian have planned?

As she approached the bridge she noticed a familiar figure leaning against the stone as she got nearer she noticed the smirk that was tugging not at all subtly at his lips and couldn’t help but grin in return

“Fancy seeing you here” he quipped standing up straight and approaching her his hands in his pockets his eyes were twinkling with mischief, he was definitely up to something

“You summoned” she said with a smile her eyes meeting his, something flickered within his own as he watched her

“Bring your wand?” He asked simply drawing his own to show her, as she didn’t know what a wand was

She cocked her head to the side with a grin “You said Forbidden Forest OF COURSE I brought my wand Sebastian” she replied flatly her voice dripping with playful sarcasm

“Alright smart arse” he rebuffed her giving her a playful nudge “do you trust me?” He asked positively bouncing on his heels with anticipation

She eyed him suspiciously “that’s debatable” she said too distracted with drawing her own wand to notice the waver in his gaze at her words

He swallowed his eyes raking over her face before he cleared his throat “give us some light will you?” He asked, although he’d tried to sound casual his voice betrayed him and he felt his cheeks heat as she regarded him suspiciously

“Why can’t you do it?” She asked gesturing toward his wand

Sebastian sighed softly shaking his head “just cast the damn spell, you’ll see” he teased

She considered him for a moment before shrugging and holding up her wand “Lumos!”

Instantly a group of floating candles appeared above their heads, she glanced wearily at Sebastian who was positively beaming, like a child showing their parent a new drawing, before she could question it however the candles started to float away from them, she felt a hand on hers and before she had time to process that action, she was being pulled along the path toward the forest.

The two walked hand in hand the candles lighting the way, the sound of the grass beneath them crunching and the evening air gently blowing through the trees filling the silence around them

“Sebastian what-“ she began her curiosity getting the better of her

Sebastian squeezed her hand reassuringly “shh you’ll see” he said his voice laced with a quiet excitement

As they rounded a corner the candles stopped her eyes fell on something she hadn’t expected to see, an iron table with two chairs perched at the edge of the forest the candles spread out around the set up casting a warm glow around it she noticed there was a picnic basket on the table and she turned to look at Sebastian who was looking at her expectantly

“I thought it was about time I took you on a proper romantic date” he said proudly gesturing toward the table and chairs

She regarded him for a moment vaguely aware of the butterflies that had now taken up residence in her chest before breaking into a smile “I suppose some would consider this a romantic location” she mused out loud, instantly regretting it when she saw his smile falter slightly “I mean it IS very you” she clarified taking the seat he’d pulled out for her

“Do you like it?” Sebastian asked taking the seat opposite her, his eyes boring into hers awaiting approval, he was all too aware how he looked like a love sick puppy and was secretly thankful he’d picked such a secluded location.

She nodded tucking her hair behind her ears looking around her “it’s beautiful” she said reaching across the table to take his hand in hers her heart thudding violent against her rib cage as she did so his fingers threaded through hers and they sat in comfortable silence for a moment

“Right, check out this haul” Sebastian said suddenly sitting up straight and opening the pick if basket to reveal all manner of cakes and pastries from the kitchen “very generous those elves in the kitchens when you’ve got a Gaunt by your side” he said with a wink as she peered into the basket ladened with treats and chuckled softly.

After eating their fill of sweet treats they sat and talked for what seemed like hours before they decided it would be wise to head back to the castle as they stood a chill descended upon them and she shivered slightly, Sebastian was by her side in an instant draping his robe over her shoulders with a grin

“I’ve always wanted to do that” he said adjusting it on her shoulders his hands lingering there as their eyes met and they shared in their grins

Sebastian’s hands fisted in the fabric of the robe and tugged her closer she let out of a soft gasp and he couldn’t help the smirk that tugged at his mouth as he eyes flickered from hers to her own lips, he stole himself only for a moment before bending his head and kissing her his lips barely grazing hers until she pushed forward and all bets were off, his hand moved from her robe to the back of her head his fingers threading through her hair he felt her arms wind their way around his neck and heard a soft moan escape her only serving to spur him on further

Dizzy and breathless the two broke apart, her cheeks where visibly flushed even in the pale moonlight

“We should get back … before they lock the gates” she said breathlessly after a moments silence

Sebastian nodded taking her hand in his pulling her close to him as they set off back to the castle “you know, I reckon the undercrofts free right now” he said with a grin watching her face as she gave him a knowing look

“I dare say it is” she mused feigning innocence as they descended the steps into the castle earning herself a nudge.

The two shared a glance and broke out into identical smiles Sebastian eagerly tugging her toward the Undercroft mentally thanking every god he could think of that he’d come across that particular spot in the Forest.

[sepublic]

            Honestly, I just… Feel BAD for Belos at this point. He��s easily the most pitiable character in the entire show, Philip Wittebane has probably suffered more than anyone else, in a way that is 100% deserved, karmic, that he totally brought on himself and can’t blame anyone or anything else for. Belos has just been constantly wallowing in this cold bitterness for the vast majority of his existence, been defined by it; He’s like freaking Ebenezer Scrooge.

         Philip’s so lonely and desperate for validation that it’ll make him act stupid around Luz as he latches onto her for validation, even as poor Luz cringes because she does NOT want this guy, she didn’t ask for him, but at the same time she has to humor Philip’s pathetic delusions for the sake of everyone else. Thinking you’re better than everyone else, that they’re all lowly and subhuman, is inevitably an isolating experience.

         And like! He very easily COULD have companionship, he has an entire SOCIETY and its generations fawning at his feet. But he refuses it, because it doesn’t match Philip’s arbitrary criteria. It’s such a sad waste, really. He wants a playmate and best friend, but under a VERY specific set of circumstances, in his own way, and it’s just… As Eda said, you sometimes just gotta step out and make your own family with what you have, instead of waiting and expecting it; Even IF it’s technically destiny for Philip to have another human ‘friend’ show up.

         Is that part of his unhealthy obsession with Luz? She’s a human who helped him back when he was Philip, and even after centuries as Belos, she still didn’t fail to return to him after all that time and effort. It could’ve fed his delusions that Caleb would do the same. Belos is a manchild who misses and longs for his older brother to take care of him like before, and he’s throwing a tantrum over the loss. He wants a replacement, but on his own specific terms, because any other way would acknowledge that he can’t go back to the way things were, and isn’t that something we can all relate to? But even as he does everything to keep things the same or restore them, perform damage control, it just keeps getting worse.

         He’s so clearly insecure, needling Luz for approval and validation from a peer. He’s like playdough in the palm of her hands under the right circumstances, look at how she makes Philip feel self-conscious over his fit! He knows and suspects that the world has changed, he’s collected the human garbage over the years, no doubt as some twisted form of sentimentality. The false vision he gives the Coven Heads proves that he’s aware of modern architecture. But maybe that’s just a SURFACE-level change, right?

         He’s “How do you do fellow kids” but also to humans because he’s realizing he’s out of touch with THEM too, he’s become so lonely his monstrous form is symbolic, losing for himself what he sought for in others; So yet another thing he’s missed, a specific definition of humanity, is gone too. Belos wants to be told he’s still doing the “human” thing correctly even as he becomes something very much not.

         Philip just flips back and forth between so easily vulnerable in his desperation, to frighteningly dangerous and petulant when he doesn’t get what he wants after sacrificing and prostrating himself; It must be terrifying, being on the receiving end of someone who places so much faith and responsibility as a burden on your shoulders, the pressure! He really is like the Collector, more than he’d like to admit. And now that cursed mirror of his, reflected in a literal mirror, has taken everything from him; As did Luz, playing into Belos’ insecurities, it must be utterly humiliating. 

        All in a way he brought on himself, of course; He CHOSE to project onto poor Luz, convinced himself he was her Eda, her jaded older mentor who finds a kid to adopt and teach, even as she fills the emptiness in his heart left by his forsaken older sibling, lost to the wrong cause. She PLAYED him, how could Luz be so cruel, Philip feels so bad for his poor self and wants to curl up and cry! Eda sometimes acted a bit rash in wanting to impress Luz for her approval, but this…!

        It’s like he’s being punished for opening up, exposing his own soft spots in the process to someone he expects to be tender with, and then shuts himself up again once hurt; Because NEVER again, he just gets more and more embittered and cynical, more certain of the world as this cruel place that’s targeting HIM specifically. He rejects humans and thus his own humanity in the process. First Caleb, then the Grimwalkers, now Luz…

         And now, Philip’s back home, and it’s all changed, the original idyllic vision that he depended on. It’s all been for nothing. Philip has tortured himself with the transformations, the mutations, and it’s all for nothing. Everyone loves Halloween and witches now. His home is unrecognizable to himself, as is he. He’s gone from a human to a drop of green goop. He’s become the feared cryptid monster alluded to in bedtime stories, the one Caleb would’ve protected him from. Philip’s been through so much mourning and agony over Caleb, over his idyllic and nostalgic childhood. I can’t imagine the physical agony as Philip rebuilt himself, wanting to scream but not allowing himself to remain hidden.

         At this point, I HOPE he dies; Not because I’m sick of his character. But because it’d be a mercy killing. With all of his pain and agony and unsustainable wishes, with the childish and naïve certainty that he’s right, leaping at the chance to be told he’s right, the worn-down feeling over the years… For all my scorn, I also feel sympathy for the devil. He’s like Senator Armstrong, despicable but also legitimately hurt, he just wants this stupid world to make sense!

         I hope that in death, Philip Wittebane can finally find the peace he’s been searching for, the rest he’s agonized and longed for over lifetimes beyond what any human should endure, amidst the green, green grass of home. There just isn’t any other course for this sad, tormented soul, beyond some blissful ignorance and denial in his dying visions of Caleb accepting him in the afterlife, having made it to heaven after all thanks to Philip’s timely intervention, having been shown the light after all! He DID save Caleb, they can be together, are you proud of me Caleb…?

        I fucking LOVE villains with very human grief and loneliness who also totally brought this on themselves and are just so desperately deluded and isolated in their denial, in their futile coping by throwing themselves against this unsustainable idea, just the most PITIABLE and pathetic fucker ever. Still clinging because they’ll have nothing left if they let go. Philip is a sobbing child, kicking and screaming and burping because someone was mean to him, hurt his feelings and took his favorite toy away. 

        The world is always revolving around HIM and HIS comfort, so Pip can’t comprehend how anyone could be mean to him because he’s like the Main Character or something. He can’t understand that other people have their own lives and needs and wants outside of him, as Caleb did; It drives him MAD. He can’t keep living like this, with this shattered innocence and realization, and hopefully Philip won’t have to anymore. Not by living denial, because that clearly hasn’t worked across centuries of trial and error, chances; But with ignorant death. What a disturbing dude, not just to us but even himself.

        It’s funny. Philip convinced himself of a recognition of the self in the other (affectionate) in Luz, while desperately ignoring the recognition of the self in the other (derogatory) in the Collector, whom he’s spent more time with than anyone else. I suppose a kid who truly reminds himself of who he really is would be the worst, because seeing another Main Character like you just hammers in that you’re not THE Main Character if others are; You’re not special if others feel the same as you. Empathy is the worst idea ever to a racist colonizer, imagine.

[scyllas-revenge]

I'm so depressed rn about dating/marriage/the future, literally cried yesterday, I just don't think its going to happen. I'm not going to ask a guy out because I don't have the confidence for that and if he said yes it would always be in the back of my head that he's just settling for me cuz if he wanted me he'd have asked. I've never even been on a date, ever! Didn't even go to my own senior prom cuz I didn't wanna have to sit alone all night lol

Recently I was texting a guy and he was so sweet and gentlemanly but I totally ruined that. He came into my work to use our services and I freaked out and started telling my colleague that I wish he wouldn't come here and like why is he here and stressing about him being there. And I'm pretty sure he overheard and doesn't understand that I didn't actually mean any of that I just have an anxiety disorder and freaked out. Then my colleague started laughing about an older man who asked me out (he was 65 wth!) And I think other actually nice guy thinks we were laughing about him.

Now at work his entire demeanor has changed he seems so down and he legit glares at me when saying goodbye on the way out (my desk is by the door) So being at work is depressing because all I can think about at work is how this man was actually so sweet and so nice to me and I with my big mouth and idiot anxiety just disrespected him so much and clearly hurt his feelings which he didn't deserve. And I don't wanna try to talk to him about it because we don't really know each other that well and what am I supposed to say 'hey did you hear me talking about you and about how I want you to go away-yeah I didn't mean that it was just anxiety pls don't be upset-like wth I can't do that

Now I'm gonna pray every morning for God to keep my words so I don't be so damn stupid. I'm just really upset that I upset someone like that regardless of possible dating I don't even care I just care that I was inadvertently so mean like what kind of bullshit high school level behaviour was that ffs

Btw this is the anon from sotwk-I saw your comment and totally relate like its nice to know I'm not alone and others deal with this too but at the same time it's depressing as hell that this many people are having this problem, like it just reinforces the hopelessness. I feel like I'm sitting in a waiting room waiting for something that will never happen but I cant get out of the waiting room because I really want the thing y'know?

Apologies for the entire ass rant, I'm just so mad at myself rn

Hey anon! I'm really sorry you're going through all this. Giving advice isn't my strong suit, but I definitely understand the "sitting in a waiting room" feeling, and it sucks.

I spent a good chunk of my 20s like that, feeling stuck and alone and unable to stop crying or shake off my self-loathing. I was trapped waiting for things that would never happen and I was powerless to change that.

No, things aren't perfect now, and yes, I'm still very single, but the good news is I did manage to escape the "waiting room" feeling. It still creeps up every now and again, but I'm better able to recognize and fight it.

The first step was realizing I was depressed. Oh my GOD was I depressed. It feels ridiculous that I didn't notice at the time, but it had been creeping up on me so slowly that at some point it just became my new normal to cry multiple times a week. I was lethargic and detached and utterly convinced to the very core of my being that something was fundamentally wrong with me, and that I would never be loved and my whole life would pass me by with that same horrible sense of waiting. (I don't want to sit here giving armchair diagnoses or pretending to know all the details of your life, but it certainly looks to me like you have depression too.)

When I turned 30 it felt like a wake-up call- it's a new decade and something needs to change. The thought of my 30s slipping by just like a good chunk of my 20s really scared me.

So the second step for me was therapy. I don't know if you're in therapy now, or tried it and it didn't work, or if it's an option for you financially, but if you can give it a try, I really do think it will help. I can tell you're desperate to get all this off your chest and get answers and validation, and a good therapist will help with that way more than a tumblr ask box will! My therapist also connected me with a psychiatrist, because wow does medicine also help. It took some trial and error, but between the right meds and the right people to talk to, things really did improve.

It's hard, but I'm doing my best to try new things- new hobbies, social groups, clubs, anything- because I want to meet new people and have more meaning in my life. The disgusting cocktail of depression, anxiety, and executive dysfunction were keeping me from doing much of anything besides work and scrolling the internet, and that really intensified the feeling of being stuck in a waiting room, watching other people's lives move forward while i was sitting still. But being more active socially, trying new hobbies, even just being outside of my apartment more often, is giving me back some control. I even took an impromptu trip to Iceland, alone, and I could practically hear myself slamming the door of the waiting room behind me as I left!

I know none of the above rambling had anything to do with finding love, but personally, I kind of needed to take all of those steps before I could focus on anything else. And it wasn't that I "needed to stop looking for love and focus on other things, and love will come when you least expect it" - it was that if I didn't try to bring more meaning into my life, my depression was never going to get better.

And it wasn't that I "needed to love myself first or no one will ever love me" - it was that I had been spiraling for years and could hardly function if I didn't focus on my mental health. (So...maybe all that cliche advice isn't wrong. It's just usually not framed right.)

Because that's the thing- you're not unlovable or doomed to be alone or secretly fundamentally flawed or anything else your brain is telling you right now. What you are is a good person worthy of love and respect whose anxiety and depression are doing their best to get the better of her. They're in that waiting room with you, barring the door shut and telling you it's your fault, and you need to use any tools you can (therapy, medicine, guidance counseling, meditation, anything) to shut them up and kick the door down. Love isn't in that waiting room- it never was. It's beyond the door, in the real world, where you have agency and aren't powerless to change things.

Beyond dragging a waiting room metaphor way too far, I don't have much more advice, especially as far as romance goes. My own love life is nonexistent- I'm probably not the best person to get help from!

It sounds like you might be feeling too much anxiety to try dating apps, or you might not like the idea of them. And tbh I hate them too, but I bring them up because that was how I got my first real date at 24, as well as 99% of the other dates I've been on since. Even if the date sucks, it makes dating as a concept feel a bit less daunting- it's no longer this Big Significant Achievement, it's just a thing you've done before.

Anyway, I'm not sure if any of this very long response will help or not, but feel free to send me a message if you want to talk more. I'm wishing you all the best and am confident that things will get better!

[askmadcomcrew]

I don’t know if this has been asked yet, but 2b, what’re your thoughts on everyone else here?

It probably has, but to be entirely honest, so much time has passed since such questions were commonplace that I forget if it ever did. Never hurts to give it another go, I suppose.

Hank, as I've said many times before, is one of the most fascinating people in Nevada. I truly am lucky to be able to work with him as closely as I do, and privileged as well. Any other individual would long since have met their doom. I think I am one of the only people in Nevada who truly knows Hank, but perhaps that is just wishful thinking.

Sanford and Deimos are my trusted and decorated operatives. Reliable, intelligent...Mostly, and resourceful. I can always count on them to get the job done, as much as they may squabble amongst themselves. They are some of the few Nevadeans I've seen who have formed a close bond, a rare sight around here. They bring some real life into an otherwise dry, boring, and soulless plane of existence. For as much grief as I give them, I am grateful to them and I feel I do not do enough to express it.

Dr. Christoff...What a shame, really. If you can believe it, I hold a great deal of respect for the man. I consider him an intellectual equal. He is one of the smartest men in Nevada, but unfortunately he is blinded by ego and his self-assigned mission. He is hardly the savior he claims to be, but rather a force of death and destruction. Also, I am entirely convinced his reason for disliking me is simply because I am better at his job than he is, and he cannot stand it. Unfortunately, he has rejected all of my offers of alliance, which are usually met with insults and vague threats.

Dr. Hofnarr, or what remains of him, stands to be the single most dangerous force in Nevada next to Hank or the Savior. I suppose just calling him "Tricky" would be the most apt name for him. He is completely and utterly insane, and has a very unhealthy obsession with Hank in particular. I do not know what caused this obsession, and neither does Hank, but it has definitely proven to be problematic when it comes to SQ operations. He is one of the biggest threats, but thankfully it seems he has little interest in my other operatives, and Hank can at least hold his own. If I could ever get my hands on his corpse, I would love to perform some experiments on it.

Dr. Crackpot, the third of the still surviving major Nexus scientists is a...Small, fickle, and often pathetic man. At least that is what I gathered from the files I stole from the Nexus Core. I never met the man personally, and frankly I do not wish to. He and his cult are ultimately a footnote in the grand scheme of things, and his quest to spread this word of "buoyancy" will be quickly snuffed out if it ever becomes a significant problem. I am more than happy to let him continue to squabble in the sewers.

The Sheriff, once a coward, now the formidable leader of MERC. Previously allied with Dr. Christoff, he has made somewhat of a name for himself in Nevada, much to his dismay I can imagine. Were it not for Hank's...Dislike for him, I would have offered him to join SQ, but I suppose it is for the better that he remains a separate and independent entity. The Sheriff is known for being quite the turncoat, very willing to switch to whoever he believes is on the winning side. I'd rather not wake up staring down the barrel of a revolver to someone I put trust in.

Phobos...Is dead. Hopefully, for good. I have no love for the man, nor respect either. He and his regime were a blight on Nevada, and I was happy to do my part in dismantling it. The Nexus Core still exists, but on the fringes of Nevada, barely held together and struggling to reform. Phobos never has and never will be a God. Nevada is a better place without him in it. My only regret is that I could not have been there to watch Hank, Sanford and Deimos deliver the final blow and send him back to Hell where he belongs.

The Auditor is, of course, my greatest adversary. An intellectual equal, but a victim of hubris, much like Dr. Christoff if you think about it. He is dangerous, smart, cunning, and ruthless. Nearly indestructible by all forms of conventional weaponry. But I am confident that, in time, and with careful planning, I can defeat him and his agency. The AAHW may seem endless and unbeatable, but with the help of my benefactor and Nevada's most dangerous mercenary, I like my odds. He doesn't scare me, to put it plainly and simply. His defeat is all but assured.

[mortemoppetere]

TIMING: current LOCATION: a bar in wicked's rest PARTIES: @rn-zane & @mortemoppetere SUMMARY: emilio recruits zane to his plan to take down the good neighbors. CONTENT WARNINGS: none!

He’d been told — in no uncertain terms, and by more than one person — that he needed to learn when to ask someone for help. It wasn’t something he particularly liked doing, and it always made him feel a little too much like a failure, like he wasn’t strong enough to handle things on his own. Most of the time, he still avoided it until it was just a little too late. But he was getting better. He was trying to get better. For Teddy, for Wynne, for Nora, for Xó and Jade and all the people who gave a shit whether or not he lived or died. And maybe a little for himself, too.

Still… he felt he needed to be careful who he turned to, in this case. Nora and Wynne were utterly out of the question. He wouldn’t put either of them into danger, even if they’d both be more than willing to help. He wasn’t sure Jade would have much interest in helping him rescue a zombie, given her still-complicated feelings on the undead. Teddy would probably get a little too invested, and Emilio wanted to keep them out of the line of fire as best he could. There were still some people he could ask — people he knew would say yes.

People like Zane, for example.

He’d been doing a lot better with the training. Emilio would never admit it, but there was some pride in how much the vampire kept him on his toes during their practice fights these days. The fact that he was undead meant that he was one of Emilio’s more durable friends, too. (Or acquaintances. If asked, Emilio would say acquaintances.) The thing was, Emilio didn’t know how much buttering up he’d need. Zane was a good guy, but not one who seemed to enjoy walking into a fight. It might take some convincing. 

So, he invited him to a bar. He bought him a few beers. He did his version of schmoozing. He was bad at it, but there was a definite effort being made. It was probably a noticeable one, too.

—

Zane had been skeptical from the moment Emilio had reached out. Something was definitely up, obvious right from the moment the slayer actually initiated a meet up without making it sound like he was being forced to do so. After all this time, it had gotten easier to read between the lines when it came to Emilio, how a sarcastic insult was actually anything but and the way his actions were usually way more reliable than his words. Both were out of whack this evening. 

Now, Emilio was bringing over the third beer of the evening for Zane, who had politely finished the other two - it had felt rude to not drink it since drink buying seemed to literally be the slayer’s love language. Friendship language? Either way, Zane was usually the one mildly bullied into cashing out at the bar, ironically since he never bought anything alcoholic for himself, so this shuffle up of roles was already weird enough. The niceties though, not even vaguely laced with sarcasm or bundled up in the form of an insult? Too weird. 

“Okay, out with it,” Zane confronted him the second the beer hit the table, pushing the bottle designated for him back towards Emilio. Two disgusting drinks was his quota. “You’re being really weird so what’s up? Are you dying or something? Is this a pity thing because of my dad? Honestly, if you make one more attempt at a compliment, I’ll find someone to perform an exorcism on you.” 

—

Zane was more observant than Emilio tended to give him credit for. He still probably wouldn’t make much of a detective — he was much better suited as a nurse — but he knew how to spot the difference in someone’s behavior. Emilio wasn’t a subtle man, was built to be explosive and brash and loud even if he wasn’t built to be any of those things for his own benefit, but his type of ‘not subtle’ still wasn’t easy for the average person to read. He thought the only person alive who might have been able to unpack what this kind of behavior from Emilio might mean was Rhett, then he amended that thought with a twist in his stomach at the realization that his brother no longer knew him as well as he once had. No one alive was fluent enough in Emilio Cortez to unpack this without help translating.

But Zane came pretty close.

Emilio pulled a face, shoving the beer towards Zane again with a quiet grumble. He’d hoped to get Zane a lot drunker before they got to this point but, in honesty, he didn’t even know how much alcohol it would take to get a dead man buzzed. Grabbing his own drink — his usual cheap whiskey — he downed it with a sigh.

“Probably not dying any faster than I was last week,” he replied. “And I don’t do pity. You should know that.” Pity, as far as he was concerned, was an insult. And not the kind of insult he usually delivered to Zane. “I don’t need an exorcism, either. I…” He trailed off, grimacing as if saying the words was physically painful. “I need a favor.” 

—

Zane raised a knowing eyebrow as Emilio faltered, face screwing up in annoyance at his plans - whatever they even were - being thwarted. For a moment, he had toyed with the possibility of the slayer actually just wanting to be nice but it just didn’t make sense. Weird compliments and drink buying wasn’t his style of nice. Whether Emilio would admit to them being proper acts of kindness or not, teaching Zane to fight or punching his dad, those were the things he did to prove he cared. Hence, tonight being completely and totally off. 

Instead of pushing the beer back again, knowing he’d probably lose in a battle of stubbornness, Zane grabbed the bottle but made no move to actually drink from it. Waiting patiently for Emilio to work up the nerve to actually reply with something other than annoyed noises, slight worry growing in the pit of his stomach. He’d mostly been joking with the proposed reasons for the slayer’s strange behavior but for a moment, wondered if it was true. If there really was something horrible looming on the horizon. It was a relief when Emilio finally quelled that worry, helping loosen the tension in Zane’s shoulders some. 

It was hard, more so than he could have imagined, not to laugh. Zane knew that it would be among the worst possible reactions to the request but honestly, all this to ask a favor? If he was supposed to know that Emilio didn’t do pity, then it felt just as obvious that Zane didn’t need much, if any, convincing to offer his help. “That’s all? I don’t mind the hang out and honestly, it was fun watching you try to not insult me for the past hour but…” His tone softened, joking tint vanishing as he continued. “You know you could have just asked, right? Because whatever it is, of course I’ll help.”

Was that true? ‘Whatever’ was a very broad statement and Zane both knew and had seen Emilio do some rather unseemly things but… yeah, it was true. Maybe because he hoped the slayer knew him well enough at this point to not ask for a favor involving straight up death or maybe just because he felt honored to even be asked to help. To be allowed to repay all the things Emilio had done for him so far. 

—

It was harder than it should have been. Most things were, for Emilio. Javier told him once, with a laugh and an arm tossed carelessly around his shoulder, that he must have just enjoyed making things more difficult for himself. And Emilio had rolled his eyes, had shrugged out from under that embrace, had refused to pay his tab and played it off as a silly thing, but he’d wondered if there was some truth to it. Wasn’t there some strange comfort in struggling? When things were easy, the paranoia crept in. When things were simple, he found himself wondering whether or not he was walking into a trap, found his palms itching and his neck sweating. Adversity was familiar. He’d spent all his life struggling against one thing or another, fought tooth and nail just for the right to exist in a family that might have been better off without him and knew as much. 

So, he made things harder. He refused to ask for help until it became impossible not to, he dragged his heels in the dirt even when there was no reason to do so. He fought and thrashed against hands meant to help him, snapped his teeth and reared his head against anyone who tried to make his life even a little easier. It was supposed to be hard. He understood it when it was hard. Kindness was a great, unknown entity, and Emilio had never done well with those.

But his friends had been through a lot recently. They had all been struggling. And if Emilio went out on his own, if he got himself killed because he was too goddamn stubborn to ask for help, wouldn’t they ache with it? Wouldn’t they mourn and grieve and blame themselves? He didn’t give much of a shit about his own life, but he cared about them. He cared about not piling on when they were all already going through a lot. So he bought Zane a drink and he buttered him up and he asked for a favor.

And it turned out, he’d made that harder than it needed to be, too.

Zane didn’t even ask to hear what it was first. He offered to help like it was easy, like it was nothing. And Emilio felt… undeserving. Like he was reaping without sowing, like he was stealing something that belonged to someone else. He’d done nothing to earn this kind of loyalty, had he? He’d made Zane’s life pretty goddamn difficult the entire time he’d known him, and Zane was ready to help with anything Emilio needed, anyway. His chest felt tight in a different way than it usually did; he wasn’t sure what to call it.

“It’s… for a case,” he said uncertainly. “I found something. Something — big, maybe. Some kind of…” He searched for the word, frustration flashing briefly across his face when he couldn’t find it. “People, a group of them, who are… taking people. Uh, nonhuman people. Locking them away. My client, she’s got a friend in there, but I want…” He trailed off, the word want feeling strange on his tongue. He didn’t usually let himself do much of that. Still, he steeled himself and continued. “I want to get them all out. And I think if I do it alone, I’ll probably end up dead, and a lot of people will be pissed at me for it, so…” He trailed off, letting it hang. After a moment, he added, “You can say no. I can ask someone else.” He wouldn’t. If Zane said no, Emilio would go at it alone. But Zane didn’t need to know that.

—

There was still some hesitation, as if Emilio himself was still coming to terms with the fact that he was actually asking for help. Where Zane usually had a bit of trouble letting silence just be in a conversation, he did know the importance of it. Of letting thoughts form or information get processed - after witnessing a doctor barrel through a delivery of bad news, never allowing just a moment of silence to pass, he’d sworn to take notice of the importance of silence. So he just leaned in and waited, then listened. 

The case sounded big, with high stakes. Someone was kidnapping nonhumans and even though Emilio mentioned them being locked away, Zane couldn’t help but wonder if this client’s friend was still alive. Couldn’t help but wonder if that was maybe better than the alternative, a dark basement where hungry victims curled up, confused and afraid and looking at him with blame and desperation in their eyes… “Okay,” he responded, mostly to break the cycle of eerie memories, processing the information. “Definitely right on people not wanting you to run into certain death.” Including Zane. 

Emilio was backtracking, or trying to. He had to know that there was no going back now, not after admitting that this case would get him killed without help. “I already said I would help. In any way I can. Not exactly a detective or much of a fighter but… if you think I can be useful, I’m in.” It scared him, of course it did. Going into a dangerous situation wasn’t even really the unnerving part, more so the thought of not being able to help. To be there as some sort of backup and fail. “Just tell me what you need me to do.”

–

“It’s not certain death,” Emilio argued, though he wasn’t really sure why. The idea of Zane helping only because he wanted to prevent Emilio from meeting an ‘untimely’ (was it really untimely if you’d been ready to die all your life?) end left a sour taste in his mouth. He wasn’t the sort of person people ought to put their lives on the line for. He knew that. If anything, it was Emilio who was supposed to be doing the sacrificing, Emilio who was years past his expected date of expiration. No one ought to die for the benefit of a dull knife. That certainly included Zane.

But here he was, asking anyway. He had no intention of letting the vampire sacrifice himself for this cause, of course, but knowing that Zane probably would if it came down to it scared him a little. Part of him wanted to backtrack, wanted to take back the request and walk out, but he knew Zane well enough to know it wouldn’t work. Now that he knew about it, he was involved. He was going to stay involved. Emilio had known as much when he’d invited him out. 

“You agreed without knowing what I was going to ask,” he pointed out. “You can back out if you want to. I’m just saying, you know, don’t… Agree to something you don’t want to do just to keep from pissing me off or something.” That wasn’t why Zane was agreeing. They both knew that. But the real reason — that Zane was his friend, that he wanted Emilio safe — felt too big to say aloud. “I don’t need a detective. I’ve got that covered. I’m good at what I do.” He was, despite what people seemed to think. “And I’m a good fighter, too. I just need… someone I can trust. I’ve got a few people on the inside I’m working with, but I don’t know if…” He trailed off, letting it hang. He was pretty sure Daiyu wouldn’t hang him out to dry — hunters tended to maintain some kind of a code, and Daiyu was a good one — but he didn’t trust the necromancer as far as he could throw him. He needed someone he knew wouldn’t screw him over. Zane fit that bill. “I’m meeting with them to go over a plan. If you mean it, if you really do want to help… You can come with me. We’ll figure out how to get those people out. And, I don’t know, maybe we don’t die.”

—

The mere fact that Emilio was asking for help seemed like the only necessary contradiction to that statement. If he hadn’t been more than just a bit worried, the slayer probably would have muddled through, shown up to their next practice with a new wound or slightly creakier joints. “If you say so.” It didn’t matter to Zane either way - not when Emilio had willingly walked into a room full of vampires, an elder, because he’d asked him to. At the time, it had definitely been more for the sake of the humans down there but Zane liked to think that if the same scenario was presented now, a part of Emilio had been there to save his ass, too. 

And he had gotten himself stabbed fully through the shoulder which on its own was enough to earn him at least one giant favor. 

“I did,” Zane deadpanned but the excuses, the backtracking, prattled out anyway. He huffed out a quiet laugh at the thought of agreeing just to not piss off Emilio - it was never that serious but the slayer definitely made a big deal out of pretending everything Zane did pissed him off. “Is there a way to keep from pissing you off?” he countered, cocking an eyebrow. “Because I haven’t found it yet.”

Being sarcastic, making jokes that would make a bystander think the two of them hated each other's guts, that was easy. As much as Zane kept trying to learn more about the slayer, every bit of serious conversation they had always seemed to hurt - terrifying, since he guessed he’d barely scratched the surface of Emilio’s damage. It came with perks alongside the emotional toll, like now having the certainty of the slayer’s trust. No small feat. “I like the not dying part,” Zane agreed, less unnerved now at the prospect of there being a team and a plan. “So for the third time, I’m in.”

—

Emilio rolled his eyes, throwing his hands up in a brief show of frustration. “Is not very mature,” he said sullenly, looking the very picture of maturity himself as he leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest. If he could see himself, in this moment, he might have been reminded of Flora when she was told no, of the way her tiny brow furrowed and her small lips pulled into a frown. It was probably a lot cuter on a toddler. 

In any case, he knew he owed Zane for this. This was no small ask, no tiny request. This was the kind of thing that could end poorly. It was the kind of thing that probably would end poorly. But Emilio asked, and Zane said yes. He had to believe that that made it okay. He had to let himself believe that.

“You should really… not do that,” he said. “Someday, maybe I ask you to do something you really don’t want to do. If you say yes before I ask, you’ll be stuck with it. And then what?” Zane asked if there was some way to not piss Emilio off, and Emilio let out a laugh. I’m always pissed off, he could say. I don’t think I’m anything at all if I’m not angry. Aren’t there worse things to be? Doesn’t it weigh less? But he didn’t want Zane to give him that look, so he only shrugged. “Probably not.”

He’d done his part here, hadn’t he? He gave Zane an out — more than one, even. If Zane didn’t take it and something happened to him, was Emilio absolved of blame? Could he ever be? He sighed, nodding his head. “All right,” he relented. “Yeah. You’re in, then. I’ll let you know when we’re meeting. You can come along, you can… help come up with a plan. You’re better at those than I am.” Most people were. Emilio’s plans only ever ended in disaster.

—

There was no trying to hide the quirk of his lips at Emilio’s brief tantrum and for a moment, Zane allowed himself to be amused. He wouldn’t be reprimanded, not after the slayer had spent the better part of this evening playing nice to a disconcerting point. “You’re the old one,” he replied simply, smile growing. The moments were always fleeting but he reveled in them all the same, the ones where he could pretend Emilio wasn’t broken and Zane could do nothing to fix it. That they were just buddies with regular troubles, ones that hadn’t met under the threat of death. 

It never lasted and this moment was no exception, joking thrown outside to make it clear how reckless the decision to help was. “I don’t think you’d ask me to do something I really didn’t want to do,” Zane answered honestly, somber. “And if you did, you’d have a good reason.” He’d never ask for a selfish reason - Zane wasn’t sure this man even knew how to be selfish and it was to his detriment. If there ever came a time where Emilio asked something completely unreasonable, Zane would say yes, knowing it would be for a good cause. He just wanted to do something worthy. 

“I thought you were done with the compliments,” Zane jabbed, even if he knew that one had been genuine, giving Emilio an out from this weird setting of kindness he’d found himself in. “But yeah, alright. That settles it.” He paused. “You do know I like… hate beer, right?”

—

“And you’re the one who will live forever. You should learn to be mature now, save yourself time later,” Emilio shot back, rolling his eyes again. He didn’t add the obvious — that there would come a time, probably in the very near future, when Emilio would no longer be around to offer Zane advice or drag him into trouble. Emilio’s presence in the vampire’s life was destined to be a brief one; they both knew that, even if Zane was far less fond of admitting it. 

Zane had a lot of faith in him. Too much, probably. Emilio was selfish, sometimes. There’d probably come a time when he did ask Zane to do something Zane wasn’t comfortable with, probably come a day when his single-minded focus on avenging people dead and buried would clash with Zane’s inherent goodness. Maybe that was a bridge they’d cross when they came to it, though. Maybe by then, Zane would know how to say no and mean it. Emilio could only hope.

He snorted, rolling his eyes. “Not much of a compliment. I’m shit at plans.” Most of what Emilio did was of the ‘act first, think never’ variety. It wasn’t exactly ideal for something like this. He nodded as Zane agreed again, letting the quiet settle until the vampire broke it. The words elicited another quiet snort from the slayer, and then an actual chuckle. There was something undeniably hilarious about Zane choking down beer after beer just because he was too polite to tell Emilio he hated the stuff.

Another laugh bubbled up at the thought. “Jesus Christ,” Emilio huffed, rolling his eyes and reaching across the table. He took the beer and slid it back towards himself. “Next time, I’m buying you a goldfish or something.”

—

It was still an eerie thought, living forever. Zane really didn’t like to spend time on the notion, it made his insides feel all scratchy and uncomfortable. How did one even begin to come to terms with immortality? Well, at least he had plenty of time to figure that out which meant he could continue to ignore it for now. “Maybe when I reach my thirties,” he offered instead with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. 

Maybe forcing Emilio to warm up to him had been a bad idea from the start. Aside from the obvious conflict of the man literally being born to kill things like Zane, it was a doomed thing. He was fighting a losing battle in trying to fix something that wasn’t his to fix and even if it had been, probably was beyond fixing anyway. For what was basically the start to some strange, found family, Emilio was an iffy choice. But maybe it was worth it just for these moments, for an actual laugh that wasn’t tinted with the usual self-deprecation. 

“Alright, laugh it out just because you don’t know how to be polite,” Zane huffed, no real offense in his voice. Tossing a napkin at Emilio as the laughter continued, he stood up with a fond roll of his eyes. “I’m going to get something that doesn’t taste like shit,” he announced, shaking his head at the proposed option for ‘next time.’ It was nice when Emilio forgot to feel that he was doomed and let himself talk about next times. “If you get me a goldfish, I’m naming it Emilio.”

[luminouslywriting]

Oh honey, honey! What have you done to my mind now that you have said that maybe Rosie is hiding his feelings for Ruth? You have given me an excellent opportunity to tell you that I have been thinking about it since I read chapter 11.

The boy was in love with her from the get-go. They were best friends, and at 8 years old, he made her that beautiful Valentine’s Day card and gave her chocolate because he was going to marry her. At 13, Ruth was the only girl he wanted to kiss! You cannot tell me that the poor boy, embarrassed as he was, did not try his very hardest to apologize to Ruth after her project scattered into pieces following his failed attempt to kiss her. It was Ruth who did not accept his apology because that kiss ruined her grades. During that time, educating girls was not considered that important. Girls were expected to learn the basic things at school, then get married and have children. But Ruth was not that kind of girl; she dreamed of being the best she could be, and in her mind, Rosie shattered her dream. She didn’t accept that it was done by accident.

Rosie was as proud as she was, so after countless attempts to apologize, he gave up and started treating her as she treated him. But that didn’t erase his feelings for her. Quite frankly, it is possible that Ruth buried her feelings for Rosie deep down because she found it unacceptable to have feelings for someone she supposedly despised.

Even though they were rivals and “disliked” each other, you can’t convince me that they didn’t still find each other very attractive while growing up or admire each other's intelligence. When they entered law school, they definitely secretly thought, “Yes, you made it,” about each other. Ruth definitely disliked all of Rosie’s girlfriends, and he despised Ruth’s fiancé. But their real feelings came out when they were arguing, in the form of sexual tension that was so palpable and noticeable to everyone around them but themselves.

So these are my thoughts. Hopefully I didn’t overwhelm you.

Love you so much 🥰🥰

Nonny, I have been STEWING on this reply for DAYSSS!!! This is literally the most amazing message I've ever been sent??? It's so flattering and kind when you guys obsess over the stuff just as much as I do haha!

"The boy was in love with her from the get-go. They were best friends, and at 8 years old"—YES YES YES

And you're so right, he did try his best to apologize. The unfortunate flaw of Ruth's (singular of course), is that she's utterly stubborn. So if you've angered her, expect to be on her shit list for the rest of your life haha.

Ruth is not the stereotypical woman in the era that thinks about marriage and children all of the time. She wants more than she should and she knows it. She knows people are going to look down on her for it and people aren't going to support her dreams, and she doesn't need them haha. And as far as Ruth burying her feelings...I'd say that there was a healthy level of hate and that if there was ever a person that Ruth THOUGHT she'd marry, it was Robby before everything went down. But the lust and attraction that reawakens said feelings? Now that's another story because they're both utterly horny kids around each other.

"you can’t convince me that they didn’t still find each other very attractive while growing up or admire each other's intelligence. When they entered law school, they definitely secretly thought, “Yes, you made it,” about each other. Ruth definitely disliked all of Rosie’s girlfriends, and he despised Ruth’s fiancé."—UM ABSOLUTELY!!?? Listen, Ruth and Robby ENJOY having a rival who really actually cares about them. And they've never approved or liked a single other boyfriend or girlfriend of the other person's and it's not just because of the hidden feelings. They're genuinely thinking that the other person could do better and this is beneath them.

And oh....that sexual tension. Nonny, you have NO FREAKIN' IDEA. It's so bad between the two of them. Where I'm at in the story is just past D-Day and these two just want to JUMP each other's bones at every given convenience but are stupidly avoiding their feelings haha.

[skarlette1]

Swinging Too Far: Positive Affirmations

--The next chapter of the series Swinging Too Far.

I can do this, Satin Swinger thought to herself. I can definitely do this. The heroine took a deep, cleansing breath. How hard could it be to convince a supervillainess that you were cheating on your husband?

Not that she was actually cheating at all. Satin and her husband Steel had devised this plan together. Their work of rehabilitating the supervillainess Sersi Salivaria had hit a snag. They were running low on the special formula that protected them both from the enslaving pleasure of her super-powered saliva. To extend their supply, the Swingers had agreed to take turns teaching her the pleasures of pro-social behavior, one-on-one. To help seduce Salivaria, they were playing to her fetish for rule-breaking and letting her believe that each of them was cheating on their spouse.

From a logical point of view, Satin could see all the advantages. She even had to admit that last night’s inaugural session was really, really hot. Knowing Steel was having sex with Salivaria apart from Satin gave her quite a thrill. Plus, the taste of his still-saliva-damp cock when he returned in the morning was utterly divine. She wasn’t going to mind the repeated exposure to the villainess’s enthralling juices that would help her build up natural immunity.

Now, Satin just had to hold up her end of the bargain as well as Steel had. She didn’t expect a problem seducing Salivaria, the woman’s high sex drive had made her a prime candidate for the rehabilitation program. The problem would be convincing her that Satin was actually cheating on Steel. The two were so devoted to one another, how could anyone believe they would cheat? Satin supposed that if Steel had convinced her last night that it couldn’t be too hard. Steel had many talents, but he wasn’t a great actor. Maybe a villainess like Salivaria was used to people not being trustworthy and expected the worst of everyone. No matter, her rehabilitation would also help Salivaria with her trust issues.

For the tenth time, Satin made sure that her key-card to Salivaria’s airtight cell was fastened firmly to the lanyard around her neck. She smoothed her denim skirt, adjusted the ruffle on her flower print blouse, and took a single dose of the protective formula. One more deep breath to settle her nerves, and Satin headed in.

Salivaria had just finished her lunch. The dishes were neatly stacked in the corner of the cell to be retrieved by the helper robot. Satin had to admit it was a big improvement from the early weeks when Salivaria’s resentment at being imprisoned had her smearing food all over the transparent walls of her airtight cell. The rehabilitation was under way!

Satin punched in her twelve digit access code, stepped inside the airlock, then swiped her key-card to enter the cell itself. “Good afternoon, Sersi. I hope you had a nice lunch.”

Salivaria shrugged, lounging on her cot. “Better than the food in prison. Where’s your ball-and-chain? I thought we had a rehabilitation session.”

Satin sat across from her on the only seat in the small cell. “I’m so glad you’re keeping track of the sessions. That shows you’re invested in the program. Unfortunately, Steel won’t be joining us this afternoon. He’s, um … well, he’s resting.”

“Oh,” Salivaria’s lips curled into a pout. “Is resting code for he’s given up hope of reforming me?”

“No! Nothing like that. We both believe in you. It’s just that Steel didn’t get any sleep last night. He didn’t get to bed until nearly dawn. He’s sound asleep now.”

“He needs a nap so my session gets canceled? Just like a man,” Salivaria muttered, not letting on how much she was responsible for Steel’s nocturnal exertions.

Satin saw her opportunity to mention some supposed tension in her marriage. “Steel would never admit it, but I bet he was up all night playing one of his video games. It really bothers me how carried away he gets with those things!”

“Video games?” Salivaria raised an eyebrow. “You believe that? He left us high and dry for a game? That’s insulting to both of us!”

“I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by—”

“What he meant was to leave you to handle all his work, plus all of your own. And what about me? How am I ever supposed to be rehabilitated if he cancels my sessions so he can goof off?” Salivaria shifted closer to Satin. “It’s just like a man to depend on the women in his life to clean up after him. Honestly, Satin, I don’t know how you put up with him!”

You weren’t complaining about “putting up with him” last night, Satin thought. But the snarky comment faded from her thoughts as Salivaria licked her lips. The heroine had to swallow before she could reply. “He means well ... mostly.”

“Meaning well isn’t nearly enough. We need partners who actually do well. You asked me to think about my future after I’ve been rehabilitated, Satin, and I have. I think I’m going to swear off men. You’ve shown me that what I really need to turn my life around is the love of a good woman.” She reached out and laid her hand on Satin’s knee.

Satin could smell the sweetness of her breath. “It’s, um, good that you’re, um, thinking about the future. Real, um, good.”

Salivaria leaned closer, her fingers creeping under the hem of Satin’s skirt. “You could teach me all about how to please a woman, Satin.”

Satin could feel Salivaria’s warm breath on her face. Her heart pounded in her chest. “I … I, um, shouldn’t … not without, um, Steel.”

“You know what they say: You snooze, you lose.” She pressed her lips to Satin’s.

Every session, Satin couldn’t believe how good Salivaria’s lips felt. It was like her brain just couldn’t remember pleasure that was so profoundly intense. Satin knew that to be convincing, she should make some other weak protest of staying true to Steel. If she succumbed too easily, Salivaria would know this was a setup. Satin decided to pull away and say something … after just a little more kissing.

Then, Salivaria’s tongue touched hers. Satin moaned, her own tongue seeking out the warmth of Salivaria’s mouth. It held a whole world of pleasure to explore. As fingers slipped under her panties, Satin was surprised how wet she was already.

When those irresistible kisses moved to her cheeks, and ear lobes, and throat, Satin finally had a chance to speak. “Oh, Sersi. Ohhhh,” was all she could get out, each lick and nibble sending waves of bliss through her body. When those divine lips fastened around Satin’s nipple, she shrieked as an orgasm ripped through her body.

The next thing Satin knew, she was on her back gazing up at Salivaria’s naked pussy. She didn’t remember lying down on the cot, or taking off her panties, or spreading her legs, but the feel of the villainess’s tongue on her inner thighs was beyond words. If she didn’t protest soon, she didn’t know if she’d ever have the strength to.

When she felt the first brush of Salivaria’s tongue across her pussy lips, Satin couldn’t even scream. Her whole world just went white, hot, and silent with pure ecstasy. Each lick was like another climax, another step up a staircase of bliss that had no end. Over and over and over she came and came and came.

Satin awoke nestled into Salivaria’s bosom, her hair being gently stroked. “Um?”

“Thanks for the private session, Satin. Don’t worry about it. I’m certainly not going to tell Steel.”

Her eyes shot open at the mention of her husband’s name. She had to get back to him quickly. “Right. Right. I, um, need to go. He’ll be up soon.” She fumbled into her skirt and top, not even bothering to look for her panties.

Even with her superheroic strength, Satin found her knees rubbery as she rose from the cot. Staggering to the airlock, she swiped her key-card on the second try. She entered her numeric code wrong three times. Finally, she had to mutter each number to herself to be certain she was pressing the right keys.

Upstairs, Steel waited in their bedroom. “Are you okay, Satin? You were gone for hours.”

She flashed her husband a just-been-fucked grin. “Never better, lover boy. Kiss me.”

“I thought you said we needed to debrief before—” Steel’s words were cut short as Satin flung herself into his arms and pressed her lips to his.

The musky sweetness of his wife’s kiss sent a thrill of lust through Steel’s body. His knees went weak as his cock went hard. Satin guided him down to the bed and straddled him. Without breaking her lip-lock, she eased down his pants down and guided his rock-hard shaft into her dripping pussy. As Salivaria’s remaining saliva coated Steel’s cock, he moaned helplessly into his wife’s mouth. Within moments, the bliss shattered the hero’s self-control. He erupted with undeniable bliss, spurting his hot cum deep into his wife’s cunt.

As Satin shifted up to straddle her husband’s face, he luxuriated in the lingering taste of Salivaria’s kisses on his tongue, even as his softening cock twitched helplessly. Satin smiled as Steel licked and nibbled her tender pussy. Yes, she smiled to herself, I can definitely do this.

---

Like what you read? Will you buy me a coffee and request something rich to sink my teeth into? Or peek into the depths of my longer fiction?

My newest erotic novel, Libido League #13: Panther’s Passion is now available at Smashwords and Amazon.

[violescent-scrolls]

That’s How (Shinsou x fem!reader)

Pairing: Shinsou x fem!reader

Word Count: 2.3k

Warnings: Very light mention of insecurities and cursing.

Genre: Fluff with a dash of angst

A/N: This is based on this one TikTok I saw a while ago which was this cute song. It was really cute but I couldn’t find it.

Summary: You may or may not have accidentally confessed your feelings for Shinsou during a late night/early morning FaceTime with him. The obvious solution is to avoid him.

Prompt: “I think I’m in love with you.”

You couldn't sleep.

It was 3 a.m. You’d tossed and turned but alas, sleep just refused to come to you. Your brain just couldn't stop thinking.

Now, this wasn't a new occurrence. You were known to have the occasional bout of insomnia. However, it was significantly more difficult this time around.

Previously you'd had your best friend, Shinsou, to keep you company during these sleepless nights. He often spent most nights up until the early hours of the morning, so when you had trouble sleeping, you'd sneak over to his room. The two of you would play video games, watch movies, or just talk. It was fun.

This year was different, however. Since Shinsou had been accepted into the hero course, he’d also had to move dorms, which made sneaking over to his dorm room just about impossible. You really wished you had a teleportation quirk right about now.

If you were being completely honest, the thing or, well, the person your brain couldn’t stop thinking about was the indigo-haired insomniac himself.

Over the past year, you’d developed feelings much stronger than just friendship for him. You loved how you could talk to him about anything and everything, his sarcastic nature, and how he didn't give up on his dreams of being a hero despite his quirk being considered villainous by many.

You didn't think your feelings were utterly one-sided. Or at least you hoped they weren't.

Sometimes he did little things that made you think he likes to back. Like, for example, he always remembered even the tiniest details about everything you'd tell him, whether it was your favorite pocky flavor, which he just so happened to always have on hand, or that one episode of that one show that always makes you shed a few tears. He always tried to help you study, even now that you weren't in the same curriculum.

Though, there was the possibility that you were sure you had to be projecting your feelings onto him. That you'd wanted it so bad that your brain convinced you that he returned your feelings.

There was no way he liked you, right? After all, the Hero Course was filled with so many nice, attractive students. Who are training to be literal heroes! Shinsou Hitoshi is handsome. Many others find him attractive. So why would he choose you over them?

Still, sometimes it felt so real.

You decided just to bite the bullet and confess to him.

The thing is, you’d been trying to confess to him for weeks now. However, there was always something in the way, whether it be the bell ringing, school work, classmates, or even teachers. On the off chance that there weren't any interruptions, your nerves would get the better of you, and you'd ultimately chicken out.

Suddenly, you had an idea.

Getting up from the bed, you turned on the lights and walked over to the mirror you had in the corner of your room, just to make sure you didn't look too bad.

Deciding you look decent, you climbed back into bed and grabbed your phone, unplugging it from where it was charging on your bedside table.

Shinsou always had trouble sleeping, so he’d most definitely be up. You could just FaceTime him. It wouldn’t be the same as your old late-night chats, but surely this would be just as nice. You just really wanted to hear his voice.

Before you could talk yourself out of it, you called him. He usually answered pretty quickly whenever you called, but this time it seemed like he wasn't going to. Just when you were going to hang up and surrender to the uneventful hours ahead of you, he answered.

It seemed as if he had propped his phone against something, maybe a wall, so he didn't have to hold his phone, but you could still see him. The sight before you made your heart flutter.

A very sleepy-looking Shinsou Hitoshi was on the other side of the screen. His usually messy hair was even messier than usual, and he was wrapped up in what you could only describe as a blanket cocoon. He was lying down on his side, cheek smooshed against his pillow adorably, so that he could property face the phone.

”Hey,” you greeted, waving a bit even though he couldn’t see you, realizing you'd been too quiet for too long, ”Are you awake?” You immediately wanted to punch yourself in the face. Of course, he was awake. How else would he have answered?

“Mm, not really,” he said in a sleepy, raspy voice, followed by a yawn.

You immediately felt guilty. Just your luck, the one time he could get some actual sleep, you'd wake him up.

”No? I am so sorry. I'll just- well, I'll just call back later, it's nothing important or anything. It's stupid really,” you rushed out, looking away from your phone, regretting the idea immensely.

”Don't worry about it; it's okay,” he reassured. God, his morning voice would most definitely be the end of you. You were okay with that, though. It would be a great way to go, all things considered. “How are you?”

You guys talked for a while, about anything and everything. You told him about how General studies were going and any new classroom drama. In return, he spoke to you about how the Hero Course was and told you stories about all his new classmates. It was nice.

After you finished telling one story about how your class currently had an ongoing prank war in the dorms, you looked to your phone to see he had fallen asleep. You couldn't blame him. After all, you'd called really late, and apparently, his class had been put through the wringer during a training exercise during the day.

You were going to hang up, really you were, but he looked so calm and at peace. You couldn't bring yourself to look away. Much less actually hang up the phone.

”You know how I've been trying to tell you something for a couple of weeks now?” you asked the sleeping Shinsou while looking up at the ceiling. Your sleep-deprived brain decided that, hey, he's asleep, now is a good time to practice declaring your undying love for him. ”Well, I guess what I've been wanting to tell you is that I think I'm in love with you. I've been trying to tell you for forever now, but every time I try to tell you, a million thoughts go through my head all at once, and my brain short circuits, and I wanna kiss you so bad, but I don't know how.”

You couldn't help but laugh at how horrible that sounded, relieved he was asleep. You would definitely not be confessing like that.

You looked back at your phone, expecting to see a sleeping Shinsou.

Only, he was very much, not asleep. He was looking at you with wide eyes, mouth slightly agape, obviously surprised. Your blood ran cold, heart-stopping for a couple of beats before restarting at high speed. You swore he would see your soul leave your body.

You were startled into action when he started to speak, hanging up the phone before he could get a full word out.

He tried calling you again, but you didn't answer. You felt like throwing up and weren't quite ready to face the possibility of rejection.

One thing was for sure. You were not getting any sleep tonight.

You were avoiding Shinsou like the plague.

Was it a little immature? Maybe.

Did you plan on facing him anytime soon? Fuck no. You knew it was a cowardly move on your part, but you just weren't ready to face rejection just yet. You'd leave the bravery for the hero course students.

So, you’d resorted to eating lunch out in the courtyard and going back straight to the dorms as soon as class was over. Thankfully you had a pretty good idea of Shinsou’s schedule, being such close friends with him and all, so you knew what hallways to avoid when making your way to class. Sadly this also meant you had gotten to class late once or twice.

Your plan, though carefully and strategically thought out, only really worked for three days.

Your last class of the day was English. It was, to say the least, a little dull. You wanted nothing more than to get out of the stuffy classroom the moment the bell rang. Still, you stayed in your seat long after the classroom was deserted, taking longer than necessary to pack everything.

You'd waved off your friends, telling them you'd meet them at the dorms in a bit. After all, the longer you waited, the fewer students you'd find roaming the halls, which meant the less likely you were to run into Hitoshi.

After around 20 minutes, you decide it was safe to leave. It had been a long week, with all the school work, avoiding your indigo-haired crush, and you’d gotten little to no sleep this week. You wanted nothing more than to get to the dorm and change into the most comfortable pair of pajamas you owned, perhaps take a nap as well.

Yawning, you gathered your things and made your way out of the classroom, wondering whether or not you felt up to joining the weekly movie night in the common room.

On the one hand, you felt like sleeping all through the weekend. On the other hand, you felt like you hadn’t hung out with anyone in forever, with changing your schedule so abruptly. You owed it to your friends, especially since they’d brought you food from the cafeteria.

Maybe-

“Well, well, look who we have here. I take it you're not done avoiding me yet?” Your heart leaped to your throat. You knew that voice. Almost too well. In fact, you doubted you’d ever be able to forget it.

You turned around, shoulders a bit tense.

There stood Shinsou Hitoshi, sporting the same messy hair and tired purple eyes. He was leaning against the wall, one leg propped against it, shoulders crossed, and a backpack slung against his right arm. You couldn’t help but glare lightly at the shoulder with the bag strap. You always scolded him for doing that. He was going to end up hurting his shoulder. He was right next to the door you’d just exited from, obviously waiting for you.

He was a sight for sore eyes.

You hadn’t quite realized how much you’d missed him these past couple of days until just now. It’d only been three days without him around you, yet those had been the three most challenging days you’d had in a long time. You’d been moody, mopy, and, as much as you hated to admit, irritable. The effect his presence had on your mood was almost frightening.

You wondered if he felt the same way.

“I haven’t been avoiding you,” you tried to defend yourself feebly, wringing your hands together while looking at your shoes as if they were the most exciting thing you'd ever laid your eyes on, ”I’ve just been strategically going where I know you won't go.”

”That’s the textbook definition of avoiding someone,” Shinsou said in a deadpan voice, rolling his eyes. You winced slightly. He used his leg leaning on the wall to propel himself a bit away from the wall. He walked until he was right in front of you, close enough so that your shoes were touching. You felt your heart was somersaulting in your chest.

”Look, ” you started, taking a tiny step back, bracing yourself for the inevitable rejection. Rejection sucked, sure, but at least you'd get your best friend back. ”I’m sorry for avoiding you. I was just- I guess I was just embarrassed. Really embarrassed. I still am, actually. I didn't want you to find out like that, and then I just freaked out and hung up on you and-”

You were caught off abruptly by a pair of warm hands cupping your face, followed by a soft, slightly chapped, pair of lips on yours, not a second after. Apparently, Hitoshi had decided you were rambling too much, and kissing you was the obvious way to shut you up.

You really hoped this meant he likes you back. Otherwise, it was just going to be really weird between the two of you.

The kiss was relatively short, but sweet nonetheless. He pulled back after a couple of seconds, a small smile gracing his face.

”That’s how,” he stated, dropping his hands from your face.

You blinked in confusion, letting out a ’Huh?’ noise. You were still a little dazed.

”When you were confessing your undying love for me, ” you rolled your eyes at that, ”you said you wanted to kiss me, but you didn't know how to. Now you do. Feel free to do so whenever you feel like it.” With that, his left hand grabbed your right, lacing your fingers together, pulling you a bit so that you'd start walking.

”This means you like me back, right?” you asked, just to make sure, swinging your hands in a gentle back and forth motion.

He turned to look at you incredulously.

”Nah, we’re just really close friends, ” he teased, sarcasm dripping from his voice, as you exited the building. This caused you to glare playfully at him, bringing your free hand up to flick his nose lightly so that it wouldn't hurt.

”Where are we going?” you inquired curiously once you realized you weren't heading in the direction of the dorms.

”On a date.”

“Shouldn’t we change out of our uniforms first?”

After the both of you changed out of your uniforms and dropped off your backpacks at the dorm, the two of you had dinner at a nearby Cat Cafe.

It was pretty purrfect.

Thank you for reading! Likes, comments and reblogs are greatly appreciated. <3