#and being made fun of something i cannot /immediately/ change really hurts

[goldennika]

tw: weight

made a comment over dinner about how i think some cardigans i bought may have shrank in the wash since they’ve been feeling increasingly more snug and short, to which my dad snorts and says “or maybe the wearer has gotten bigger,” which is NOT the case here bc my sister also commented that the cardigans fit her better now and her weight is pretty much the same!! 😤

[edenmemes]

god of war: ragnarok starters

may contain spoilers !

❝ trust? you have broken my trust. ❞ ❝ you seemed troubled in your sleep, even for you. nightmares? ❞   ❝ if you’re not fighting dirty, you’re not fighting, right? ❞   ❝ the worst is still ahead of us. we must be strong. ❞   ❝ it’s times like this i really miss home. ❞ ❝ you must live with your deeds, but do not be troubled by them. ❞ ❝ you don’t strike me as someone who fears death. ❞ ❝ that is not who i am anymore. ❞   ❝ the problem doesn’t have to reach our doorstop to be our responsibility. ❞   ❝ please don’t make me do this. ❞   ❝ the storm is getting worse. ❞   ❝ i��d offer you a hug, but why traumatise either of us further. ❞   ❝ whatever anger you’re feeling, whatever loathing toward me...it’s nothing to what i’ve said to myself. ❞   ❝ i know the hate that burns you from within. i’ve felt those flames...known the comfort of their warmth. ❞   ❝ i do not need you to protect me. ❞   ❝ be glad you have a home to remember fondly. ❞   ❝ you’ve come a long way since i first met you. ❞   ❝ the pain only grows. will i ever be free of it? ❞ ❝ i need you...i can’t do this by myself. ❞   ❝ got a case of pride, i get it. hope yours clears up quicker than mine did. ❞   ❝ you were given an impossible problem. do not blame yourself for failing to solve it. ❞ ❝ you speak of your deeds with shame. ❞ ❝ i wronged you. and i cannot change that...and can never apologise enough for it. ❞   ❝ we do not know what lies ahead. i wish to enjoy the time we have left. ❞   ❝ there is no need to shoulder this burden on your own. ❞   ❝ i suppose that’s all any of us can hope for in the end. that our death has purpose. ❞   ❝ i don’t need to hear about your mistakes. i’ve made enough of my own, thanks. ❞   ❝ some free advice? you don’t want to let anyone catch you talking to your sword. ❞   ❝ you reek of cheap mead and that is by far your most endearing characteristic. ❞   ❝ i expected you to come and find me. that no matter how hurt or angry, you wouldn’t abandon me when i needed you the most. ❞   ❝ you started this fight --- i will end it. ❞   ❝ you don’t have to do this kinda stuff just to keep my mind off things. ❞   ❝ could i ever think of this place as home again? after all that’s happened? ❞   ❝ all too often, people are blinded to all but their immediate self-interest. ❞ ❝ not exactly a calming presence, are you? ❞ ❝ know that all reigns end, and all empires fall. ❞ ❝ do not doubt the lengths i will go to. ❞ ❝ so much has been taken from me and i’m supposed to let it all go? ❞   ❝ if you don’t think i could lead us, just say so. ❞ ❝ i’m not saying anything you haven’t thought. ❞ ❝ there’s no making this right, is there? ❞ ❝ love should be---could be---stronger than hatred. ❞ ❝ it seems to me we share a common enemy. ❞ ❝ i know how bad it can get with one’s own kin. ❞ ❝ seems the only thing i can do right these days is destroy everything around me. ❞ ❝ i am haunted by your incompetence. it keeps me up at night. ❞ ❝ so i’m not allowed to give you a nickname? ❞ ❝ oooh, getting nosey. getting personal. ❞ ❝ that’s the most dangerous and irresponsible thing i’ve ever heard. ❞ ❝ i haven’t given up hope on you. ❞ ❝ i had hoped my days of ceaseless battles were over. ❞ ❝ to grieve deeply is to love fully. ❞ ❝ the truth is always more complicated. to imagine it’s simple is dangerous. ❞   ❝ you're a killer, just like your father. ❞ ❝ you think you just get to walk away? ❞   ❝ uh...someone’ll clean that up. ❞ ❝ i dont know if we’re breaking fate, or fate’s breaking us. ❞ ❝ how can you, of anyone alive, be squeamish about war? ❞ ❝ oh, wow...that’s quite the compliment. ❞ ❝ i grow tired of your lack of empathy. ❞ ❝ to abandon a poisonous path and walk another is no small challenge. ❞   ❝ can i get you a water or something? ❞ ❝ confronting the past comes with a price. ❞ ❝ i want things to be the way they were. ❞ ❝ being in love’s always a risk. that’s what makes it fun. ❞ ❝ i was always fond of our talks, you know. ❞ ❝ curiosity’s all well and good...but so’s privacy, yes? ❞ ❝ whatever you ask, consider it done. i am forever in your debt. ❞ ❝ what’s the biggest thing you’ve ever fought? ❞ ❝ so...was this all that you hoped for? ❞ ❝ the closer we get, the more tightness grows in my chest. ❞ ❝ your path leads to countless deaths. unimaginable pain and suffering. ❞ ❝ can’t you take a joke, you old goat? ❞ ❝ everyone takes it easy on you because they’re scared of your father. ❞ ❝ that’s family.    you got to keep them close where they can make you good and crazy. ❞ ❝ maybe, for the moment, you’re of more use to me alive. ❞ ❝ look at the ruins before you and understand the truth: this was your doing. ❞ ❝ forgive me. my words were chosen carelessly. ❞ ❝ my success does not come from luck. ❞ ❝ just shut up and drink. ❞ ❝ no matter the size, every creature has a weakness. ❞ ❝ sometimes we never really know the ones we love. ❞ ❝ tell me about your homeland. ❞ ❝ leadership? not really my strong suit, let’s be honest. ❞ ❝ what am i gonna do, walk around with a bandage on my head, begging for attention? ❞ ❝ why are you so bent on hurting me like this? i’ve done nothing to you. ❞ ❝ you seem like a calm and reasonable person.      are you a calm and reasonable person? ❞ ❝ i’ve seen my fair share of bloodshed, but this is an awful lot for one morning. ❞ ❝ if you’re planning on killing me, at least let me finish this song. ❞ ❝ everywhere i look, i am reminded of my mistakes. ❞ ❝ i have seen many lands. many realms. i can tell you with some certainty: no such paradise exists. ❞ ❝ do something about it or shut up already. ❞ ❝ breaking tension with humour is the sacred duty of a travelling companion. ❞ ❝ forgiveness can be powerful. even for the unworthy. ❞ ❝ you have no idea the kind of shit i’ve been through. ❞ ❝ our actions have consequences. to be reminded of them is not a punishment. ❞ ❝ take the hint. go away. ❞ ❝ something is on your mind. what is it? ❞ ❝ what a twisted little soul you have. ❞ ❝ your eyes say everything. ❞ ❝ me and you against the world, huh? just like the old days. ❞ ❝ there is no making things right. only better than they were. ❞ ❝ without me? i thought we were partners. ❞ ❝ this will end in blood. the only question that remains is which side is willing to spill more. ❞ ❝ i have lost myself before. more than once. ❞ ❝ you cannot sneak up on me like that. ❞ ❝ is it always moral to kill something that’s trying to kill you? ❞ ❝ we’ve gotta be more than a bunch of stories with our endings already written. ❞ ❝ the smell is making my eyes burn. ❞ ❝ you are staring... ❞ ❝ even the brightest among us carry darkness. ❞ ❝ anyone ever tell you that you babble when you’re terrified? ❞ ❝ every path i walk...leads back to vengeance. ❞ ❝ maybe our families are just meant to be enemies. ❞ ❝ i know how it feels...to lose a parent. ❞ ❝ your love of this place...i can feel it. anyone can. ❞ ❝ what you can do is get the fuck out of my sight. ❞ ❝ it was stupid of me to hope in the first place. ❞ ❝ is that regret in your voice? ❞ ❝ there are things even gods cannot control. ❞ ❝ you don’t care about anyone beyond yourself. ❞ ❝ say something. i enjoy hearing your voice. ❞ ❝ does it frighten you? that is why you must do it. ❞ ❝ the dumb doesn’t fall far from the tree. ❞ ❝ you’re quite agitated, even for you. ❞ ❝ ain’t you never seen a legend in the flesh before? ❞ ❝ you are one of the few i would call a ‘friend’. ❞ ❝ this place is kinda pretty, when things aren’t trying to kill us. ❞ ❝ i find the hues and shades of your shortcomings almost moving. ❞ ❝ i still might kill you when this is over. ❞ ❝ i wish i could do more, i really do. ❞ ❝ do you ever have those moments where you wish you could...go back? rewrite your own past, make different decisions. ❞ ❝ do you want me to stop talking about your muscles? ❞ ❝ you are a formidable warrior, but even more than that, you have a good heart. ❞ ❝ this world takes more strength than it gave me. ❞ ❝ i’m trying to save your life, you big jerk. ❞ ❝ at least something out here doesn’t wanna kill me. ❞ ❝ i’ll just say it. i’m getting a really terrible feeling from this place. ❞ ❝ violence changes us. you are not weak to feel its effects. ❞ ❝ i’ve always loved you, you know. ❞ ❝ what side are you on anyway? ❞ ❝ everything was fine until you showed up. ❞ ❝ i have been...falling back into my old ways. angry. distrustful. ❞ ❝ one day, you will have to survive. without me. ❞ ❝ you don’t have to like me but...we’re gonna have to trust each other. ❞ ❝ you think war drives me? or power? wealth? no. never has. ❞ ❝ and they say i’m the bad guy. ❞ ❝ you feel it in the air, don’t you? the anxiety. ❞ ❝ i’m not being weird, you’re being weird. ❞ ❝ sure you’re up for breaking the rules like this? ❞ ❝ doubt is a weakness we cannot afford. ❞ ❝ mm. i do not like riddles. ❞ ❝ it just seems like a lot for someone your age. ❞ ❝ use the judgement of a man and not of a child. ❞ ❝ so what are we supposed to do? roll over? do nothing? ❞ ❝ war will not give you the purpose you seek. ❞ ❝ nasty hit! are you alright? ❞ ❝ well, glad you survived the first day. ❞ ❝ what do you think? is there a right side in this war? ❞ ❝ didn’t you ever have an awkward phase in your youth? ❞ ❝ you will not find me good company. ❞ ❝ how about we just don’t kill each other? ❞ ❝ what have your promises ever been worth? ❞ ❝ why would you come this way alone? ❞ ❝ leave now, whether you value your life or peace in your death. ❞ ❝ i put you in so much pain. put you in a terrible situation. ❞ ❝ the most difficult battles are fought within. ❞ ❝ it’s not my job to teach you everything. ❞ ❝ thanks for patching me up. ❞ ❝ loss can do things to a man. ❞ ❝ i don’t know why i thought i could do this alone. ❞ ❝ i will do what it takes to keep you safe. ❞ ❝ a desperate creature can be the most dangerous. ❞ ❝ you’re just sharing your thoughts on a subject you know nothing about. ❞ ❝ this isn’t who you want to be. ❞ ❝ i knew this was going too smoothly. ❞ ❝ can one man do this much damage? ❞ ❝ this is your final warning. ❞ ❝ you have a lot of nerve, know that? ❞ ❝ i am counting on you. to be safe. to be smart. ❞ ❝ uh, maybe that’s not a good idea? ❞ ❝ well, that was violent. ❞ ❝ don’t go to too much trouble on my account. ❞ ❝ are you not a soldier? are you not a leader of people? ❞ ❝ just when i thought you couldn’t get even more godly. ❞ ❝ do you wish to speak of what happened? ❞ ❝ you have no hold on me any more. ❞ ❝ have you ever been in love? ❞ ❝ mind if i give you the best advice you’ve heard all day and possibly ever? sleep. ❞ ❝ you’ll have my wise and faithful counsel always. ❞ ❝ look, i just want to do the right thing. ❞ ❝ all i ask for is a good night’s rest. ❞ ❝ you’re angry with me, aren’t you? ❞ ❝ we live in strange times. ❞ ❝ do you hear that? i thought i heard a voice. ❞ ❝ any outsider is considered a threat. ❞ ❝ it is not always wrong to trust people. ❞ ❝ never thought i’d be so relieved to be back here. ❞ ❝ well, we all make mistakes. ❞ ❝ this is the craziest thing i’ve ever done. ❞ ❝ when we get out of here, i’ll give you some space. ❞ ❝ violence cannot prevent violence. ❞ ❝ the truth can be a cruel thing. ❞ ❝ defy your prophecy at your own peril. ❞ ❝ i must say, i think we make a good team. ❞ ❝ where would you even be without me? ❞ ❝ calm your mind. control it. ❞ ❝ you look...weirder than i imagined. ❞ ❝ we must tread carefully. danger is close. ❞ ❝ there are worse things to discover about someone you love. ❞ ❝ i know how it feels to be wronged. ❞ ❝ did you just wake up with the urge to be a pain in my ass? ❞ ❝ is it revenge if justice is served? ❞ ❝ sometimes there is no other way. ❞ ❝ all journeys come to an end. ❞ ❝ you’re the first person that i’ve talked to in a really long time. ❞ ❝ i’ve been waiting my whole life for this moment. ❞ ❝ so...do you forgive me? ❞ ❝ sorry, i’m just really excited to talk to you. ❞ ❝ is there any way to stop fate? ❞ ❝ it would be the first time in a while i have something truly mine. ❞ ❝ the earth is the reflection of those who tend it. ❞ ❝ i have to say. i am profoundly unimpressed. ❞ ❝ i did not come to you for a lecture. ❞ ❝ perhaps there is a measure of monster inside us all. ❞ ❝ i was about to look for you. ❞ ❝ i said we would speak no more of that. ❞ ❝ peace cannot endure without force to protect it. ❞ ❝ what is it you will not tell me? ❞ ❝ where has everyone gone, i wonder? ❞ ❝ i suppose we’re all entitled to walk our own paths. regardless of where they end. ❞ ❝ you are in way over your head. ❞ ❝ so much about that day i wish i could change. ❞ ❝ it is difficult to seek forgiveness when you feel unworthy. ❞ ❝ i don’t recall asking you to come along. ❞ ❝ don’t you know who i am? ❞ ❝ real power does not need to flaunt. it emerges when the time is right. ❞ ❝ i don’t move, you don’t move. don’t do anything you’ll regret. ❞ ❝ sorry we got off on the wrong foot there. ❞ ❝ i meant it when i said you’re not a prisoner here. ❞ ❝ the culmination of love is grief, and still we open our hearts to the inevitable. ❞ ❝ why aren’t we working together? ❞ ❝ maybe together we can take back what’s ours. ❞ ❝ you don’t hear me spreading your business all around town, do you? ❞ ❝ you judge me? you? ❞ ❝ you think i’m being stupid. ❞ ❝ go before i change my mind. ❞ ❝ you deserve nothing but pain. ❞ ❝ always expect the unexpected. ❞ ❝ don’t go telling anyone about that. ❞ ❝ i shouldn’t have listened to you. ❞ ❝ you think my anger is irrational? ❞ ❝ prophecies are slippery by nature. ❞ ❝ seek no quarrel with me, and i’ll have no quarrel with you. ❞ ❝ you’re a destroyer, like me. ❞ ❝ you think i’m trouble? you just met me. ❞ ❝ not sure that makes me feel any better... ❞ ❝ let me see the monster inside. ❞ ❝ i know what you’re doing.     trying to play on my sympathies in the hope i let you live. ❞ ❝ i do not want you to feel alone. ❞ ❝ the mistakes of the past need not be repeated. ❞ ❝ never mind...i shouldn’t have asked. ❞ ❝ i regret many things. killing you will not be one of them. ❞ ❝ do you believe in fate? ❞ ❝ you can’t kill what you can’t catch. ❞ ❝ i just could use some fresh air, is all. ❞ ❝ i told you never to come back here. ❞  

[idontplaytrack]

“God, you’re crazy.”

In collaboration with: @livil589!

Janis 'Imi'ike x protective! fem reader

Warnings: MDNI, smut. Oral, fingering(Janis receiving), coarse language

 In which, a typically reserved reader lets her protective side shine and Janis secretly loves it, becoming a cute, flustered mess.

The moment you got together with Janis, the whole school found out immediately. You see, after the whole shit show with Regina’s Burn Book got resolved, and the fact that Regina got the unbelievable punishment of getting hit by a bus, Janis and Regina who once couldn’t stand being in the company of the other, started being civil to each other so much so that they were now almost friends again. But you, well…you couldn’t stand it- the way she hurt Janis. Especially the fact that Regina had been getting people to make fun of her for months before she realized…the sissy lis incident. Every time you think of it, it makes your blood boil. Janis knew it made you angry, it still made you angry and she was honestly impressed. You were the good kid– but not the teacher’s pet. The student who just existed in the environment, under the radar. Regina didn’t even know you existed till you walked into the school with Janis’ arm around your waist. That was what caused the beloved queen bee of North Shore to notice your existence.

“Hey, Janis.” Regina shut her locker and approached Janis, “Who’s this?” 

At first, you were pretty certain she meant no malice- because Janis greeted her without seeming like she wanted to punch the blonde in the face. “My girlfriend,” Janis answered simply as she went about her current task of picking out the necessary textbooks from her locker– which was surprisingly neater than your own (She makes fun of you for it sometimes, but she means no harm). The artist was a big softie and you knew it- only you knew it. Damian too, maybe, but it was never truly that obvious. 

“I know.” Regina responded in her usual tone, “But who is she? Never seen her before.”

“Now you have.” Janis shrugged. But that tone made you want to claw at her- that condescending tone. Intentional or not, it was driving you nuts and fast. 

“Strange…” You finally opened your mouth, and her eyes searched for your voice a little before her gaze lands on you, “I know who you are...and I know what you did. I’ve been in your classes since middle school and I cannot believe you.”

Your body was tense as you felt the warmth of Janis’ hands touch your shoulder, to calm you down. Regina tries to look unfazed, nonchalant…but there was a moment where you caught the shock in her eyes- they faltered. 

“You’re right Janis, now I do know who she is. Impressive, like a secret weapon, hm? She looks so…sweet and innocent, but once that cute little mouth of hers opens up, it surprises you.” Regina continues. Seriously? Your nostrils flared as Janis shot her a disgusted look, “Are you done, Regina?” Janis was slowly but surely losing her patience, being nice. “What are you trying to do here? Tormenting me wasn’t enough? You want to intimidate my girlfriend too?” At this moment, Cady has arrived at school with Aaron and Damian.

“Lighten up, Janis. It’s a compliment.” Regina chuckles, “Pity, we would’ve made a pretty hot couple. But you two are cute as shit together.”

“Well- you snooze, you lose, Regina.” You snapped, “Maybe fumbling Janis was the worst punishment for you.”

“Baby.” Janis said into your ear, “Damn, it’s all good. She’s been trying to change, really. But this is her odd way of being nice and complimenting something.”

“Don’t you think she sounds so very condescending?” You looked at Janis directly now.

“This is a hell of a change from how she used to treat anyone. Don’t take it to heart.” Janis told you, right as Regina turned on her heel and left.

“Okay, spill. What’d we miss?” Damian hurried over.

“Oh. Nothing, just y/n being protective…”

“You?” Damian asked you with wide eyes.

“Yeah,” Janis confirms, shutting her locker and zipping up her bag. 

“Damn, I did not expect this from you girl- always seems to be the other way around.”

“What’d Regina want?” Cady asks

“Uh…I think she wants my girl.” Janis told the redhead.

“Janis, I am begging you- I need context.” Damian squealed, Cady laughed. “Now I really gotta know what happened.” 

“Me too. Now I just wished we were all here to see it.

You were still tense, even after Regina had disappeared from view. Janis could tell you were upset by Regina so she took your hand, squeezing it as she walked to class with you. 

Classes dragged on, it felt like the day would never end. The interaction with the school's queen bee had stuck with you and you couldn't shake it and all you wanted to do was spend time with your girlfriend.

It was finally time for lunch, so you headed to the cafeteria to meet up with Cady and Damian since Janis had texted you saying she was gonna be late because she was finishing an art project. “Hey, are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine Cady.” “I don’t buy it.” Damian disagrees. “If you don’t wanna say anything, I’ll just ask Janis when she gets here.” You sighed, and Cady told him that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea. “Well, I’m worried, our friend looks like something’s after her.” You choked on your drink hearing that. “Mkay, who’s after you?” He pressed.

“Fine, Regina came up to me and Janis, and she was being…I dunno weird? Flirting with me, maybe?”

“Weird?”

“Well, that’s what the whole interaction felt like. First, she asked who I was, Janis told her. Then she proceeded to say that she and Janis would’ve made a hot couple, but me and Janis were really cute together?” You started to explain, “She never knew I existed until Janis and I started to date. And it’s been what, six months now almost? Janis always tries to play nice but Regina is just…something else. I finally had enough and just sorta lashed out, I said that maybe her fumbling Janis was her biggest punishment.” “Damn! And we missed that?” Damian had a hand clutching his chest, “You go girl.”

“That’s what happened? Oh, my God. Regina didn’t hurt you did she?” “No, it was more like I scared her.” You snorted, laughing, “She tried to play it cool but there was that split second of a ‘oh, shit. Okay’ in her eyes.” 

“Looks like Janis has rubbed off on you, sweetie.” Damian shrugged, satisfied.

“We don’t need another Janis.” Cady says.

“Of course, that girl’s a handful.” Damian laughs, “That’s why this girl is extra important because she mellows Janis out a little bit. Only she has successfully stopped Janis from punching the heck outta a student. Remember that?”

As Cady and Damian continued yapping, you got a text from Janis- telling you to meet her in the janitor’s closet. “I have to go.”

“Where are you going?” Cady asks, confused. 

“Uh…Janis texted?”

“Okay, spare us the details- just go.” Damian shooed you away. 

You quickly gathered yourself, rushing out of the cafeteria as Damian burst into laughter, earning a light slap on the arm from Cady. As you made your way to the janitor’s closet, a pair of pink Louboutin heels stepped in front of you, effectively making you stop in your tracks. “Where are you headed in such a hurry?” Regina practically purrs, her voice dripping with false sweetness. The blonde's tone only made you roll your eyes, doing your best to hold your tongue. 

“Piss off, Regina,” you bit out, shouldering past her as you continue on your way.

“Going to see your girlfriend?” she asks, her tone betraying her seemingly innocent words and you whirl around, furious.

“Leave Janis the fuck alone, you were awful to her and you didn’t fucking deserve her friendship,” you growled, spinning on your heel and stalking towards the closet. 

There was only so much of Regina you could handle before you ran out of patience. You hated the Plastic for what she’d put Janis through but since she was attempting to make amends (or at least made it seem that way) with your girlfriend you usually held back when it came to showing your anger, not wanting to upset the new balance of their civility towards each other. Today, however, Regina had lit a fuse in you, causing your outbursts. All you could focus on now though was what Janis called you to the janitor’s closet for, but your bubbling anger caught up, slowly taking over your arousal and making you more sober. No fucking way you would let that happen completely. As you moved, the blonde moved with you, blocking your way at every move. You bit back a scowl, and your fists clenched, feeling your frustration skyrocket.

“Aw, someone’s getting a little frustrated, hm?” Regina teased. Without a second thought, your fist slams into a locker to get the anger and frustration out a tad. “Get out of the way, Regina.” You spat. She doesn’t, but instead tilts your chin up with her finger to get you to look her in the eye. How could she be so smug? 

“Let go of my face.” You growled.

“Regina!” It was Gretchen, “What are you doing? Stop being so rude and mean to her.”

“Lucky you, sweet Gretchen saves the day.” Regina’s finger left your chin, “She’s just rushing off to see her girlfriend, no big deal.”

“But you didn’t hit her, right?” Gretchen looked at you worriedly before you scurried to your destination.

“Uh, no. Just talking…” Right, talking or threatening you for no damn reason?

Standing in front of the closet, you knocked. “Yeah?” It was Janis’ voice. Shrugging, you opened the door and stepped inside. “Hold on.” She started, “Something happened.”

“Yes, yes. Whatever.” You responded dismissively, looping your arms around her and placing your hands on her lower back. “Did Regina bother you again?” Asked Janis, backing away from your face so she could meet your gaze. “Of course she did. A leopard never changes its spots, Janis. She was born to terrorize the entire student body and staff population.”

“I swear, if she laid her hands on you, I’m gonna-”

You shook your head vigorously, “I don’t care what the fuck she does, but if she lays her hand on you, I won’t hesitate to beat her up. She made me so angry I nearly swung at her face. If it weren’t for Gretchen coming up to ask her to stop, trust me…I would’ve.”

“God, that’s so hot…” Janis chuckles lowly, her breath tickling your face as she leans closer to kiss you. Her lips meet yours and she lets out a moan - for a second there, you thought you were hearing things. That was…Janis? Already? No complaints though, hearing her like this made you happy, honestly. And as your tongue invaded her mouth, the action drew out another moan that you almost too quickly swallowed with a kiss. 

Lucky for you, she was wearing a cropped t-shirt, so you easily slid your hand under there and started fondling her breasts. “Oh, fuck.” She mutters breathlessly, “God, you’re crazy.” “Am I, now?” You bit back a smirk, unbuckling her belt together with her and finally getting to pull that down. “You haven’t seen it all yet, babe.” With her breath heavy, her eyes stayed watching you to mentally prepare herself for your next move. When your fingers looped themselves through the hem of her boyshorts, your eyes searched for her approval. Janis takes a deep breath and nods, and so you pull them down and leave them by her ankles. Your hands roamed her ass, giving them a squeeze that drove her feral, whimpering right into your ears as your hands got closer to where she needed you the most. 

“You wanna sit down or do you wanna stand?” You ask while your hands continue caressing her ass and squeezing. Janis chuckles, “I don’t care. Just- take me.” That look in her eyes…damn she really needed you, bad. Your hands trail downwards when you get down onto your knees, coming face to face with her apex. You grinned. “You’re so ready, aren’t you?” You tease, the back of your hand ghosts the mound. Janis squirms. “Tell me, baby, use your words.” You looked up. She wasn’t looking at you- or anywhere for that matter. She couldn’t go much longer without stimulation and that was her tell. When your hands squeezed her thighs, her head snapped downward and her eyes met yours. “Just tell me what you want and I’ll give it to you.” You were thoroughly enjoying your rare moment of dominance over her- she was usually the one in control. But whenever you got protective over her, she got turned on and became a flustered mess. “Janis, honey…it doesn’t feel very nice, does it? The aching, hm?” Your breath was fanning against her most sensitive region now, and by the way that she was biting onto her lower lip, she wouldn’t be able to stay silent much longer. 

She shakes her head, managing to say a ‘no’. You started by pressing a kiss to her inner thigh, on one side then the other. “y/n, I need you- please.” A whine follows her request. You gently kiss her clit and a yelp falls from her mouth. And as you rubbed circles with your thumb, you trailed a finger along her entrance slowly pushing it into her. “Oh, my God.” She cursed, “Fuck.” 

“Mm-mm, no noise, baby. Not yet.”

The smirk on your face grew as you watched the girl squirm. You could feel her wetness drip onto your hand as you pumped your finger inside of her, curling it to hit her sweet spot driving Janis insane. Janis’s head fell back, her hips rolling in tandem with your movements. Her mind was emptied and filled with growing arousal as the seconds went by, biting down on her lip to keep herself from getting into trouble with you by making noise so soon. The more she squirmed under your touch, the harder it was for you to keep at your task- purely because she was already so wet, the friction just wasn’t there anymore. “Fuck, can I kiss you?” Janis asks, not garnering a response from you, “Please?” 

You removed your fingers from her completely. And a whine fully just escapes from her lips, “Please, y/n. I need you, please.” God, her begging sounded like music to your ears. You gave in, starting to kiss her again, every noise she made swallowed by the movement of both your lips. Next, your hand returns to its previous position, plunging back inside her. She whimpers shakily, knees feeling like they might buckle. You kept a hand on her hip as your fingers carried on with their tasks. She’s made it so easy for you to go in and out that you didn’t even have to think about doing anything else to push her over the edge. 

“You sure you want people to hear you, babe?” You caressed her cheek, looking right into her eyes. Janis swallowed thickly feeling the ache in between her legs worsen rapidly, she shook her head. 

“Then what do you want, baby? Tell me.” 

Her eyes started to avoid yours, but you held her chin and made her keep eye contact. Janis huffs frustratedly, licking her lips. “You gotta tell me, babe. Hm?”

“I need to come and I don’t care how you do it, just make me come.” Her usual attitude showed up briefly. You shot her a bewildered look in reply, shrugging then sucking your fingers clean as she watched painfully. “You know not to get like that with me, Janis.” You say, your hand massaging her thigh while you lower yourself to come face to face with the area where she needs you the most. You were on your knees, hands gripping onto her thighs as your eyes flicked upward to look at Janis. 

“So you’re okay if I use my mouth?”

“What?” Janis exhales harshly, “Of course, I’m okay with that, baby. I fucking love it when you do. Holy shit, please.” 

You trailed open-mouthed kisses along the inside of her thighs, smirking when she squirmed. Her hips bucked into the air when you got closer and closer to her heat. You were thoroughly enjoying her being so submissive- you wanted to make it harder for her, just for the heck of it. You pulled away from her thighs, staring into her eyes while you were face to face with the area where she needed you the most. She looked at you in sheer disbelief and scoffed, practically grabbing you by your head and putting you on back onto her- only this time, your mouth was met with her dripping cunt. You laughed, “So impatient.” You licked upwards, circling her clit with your tongue then pressing the flat of your tongue against it, “But ask and you shall receive, honey. We don’t have a whole lot of time right now.” 

Her noises…they became so very frustrated, sounding like she was about to throw a full-blown tantrum if you denied her release any longer. But also, very needy and so high-pitched that it began to reflexively make you sound the same. “Baby, please- please y/n. Make me come. Now.” She asks.

You grinned, “Okay. You got it.” Speedily, you carry on lapping up her juices while your fingers fucked her rhythmically all while it begins to tighten around you. Janis gasps, tangling her hands in your hair for support as well as the wall behind her. You hoisted her legs up over your shoulders for more friction to aid her incoming climax. “Oh, God…” She panted, breathing ragged, “Fuck, y/n. Fuck, fuck, fuck!~” 

She came undone into your mouth, soaking your fingers with herself. “Felt good, didn’t it, baby?”

“So fucking good.” Janis nodded with the biggest grin on her face, “Do that to me more often from now on. It’s so damn hot when you get all protective.” 

You guffawed, wiping your mouth and chin off, “Oh, I will, Jan. Trust me. This is just the beginning. But you’re gonna have to wait till after school because we gotta go.” 

“That’s fine.” She bit her lower lip, “I’m gonna need some time to recover from this anyway.” Janis pulls you in, pressing a passionate kiss to your lips, “Thank you, baby. You’re amazing.”

Caressing her cheek, you replied, “Aw, thank you- I try.” 

[crimeronan]

god i know i keep half-tongue-in-cheek saying that my dad is literally belos owlhouse but. i've apparently gotten a little desensitized to Just How Bad He Is (because i have ESCAPED, YAY) & so today has been a delightful adventure.

i wrote an AITA post from his POV about stuff that happened several years ago, bc i was curious about how bad he'd get dragged - i updated the timeline but the Only fact i changed was the reason for his Woes (i blamed COVID economic struggles, which actually makes him a Hero compared to the truth. the truth being so ugly i'm not gonna detail it here good god).

i kept it true to POV by only using things that he actually did say to me at the time about why he was doing the things that he was doing, & blocking out all the relevant info about why the wronged party (me) was so upset, & having him praise his daughter (me) and go "i love her so much :) she's so smart and independent and i would never hurt her :)", & having him half-assedly admit he might've sounded unreasonable/angry/malicious, in a way that was clearly supposed to earn Good Dad points for being so Willing To Admit Imperfections, despite a continued constant doubling-down refusal to answer questions about actual important shit or fix anything ever.

cannot emphasize enough that this was not a fictionalized/embellished/creative POV. the only points of fiction were 1) my dad did not write these things on reddit, he said them to me in real life word for word instead and 2) this happened many years ago, not like... yesterday.

anyway the thread blew up and the commenters were all so kind and genuinely worried for me (as in, the daughter) and offering so much help that i hopped on a diff account to be my past self so i could reassure people i'm okay & had a plan in motion for gettin' the hell outta dodge. because i felt REALLY BAD that they didn't know i..... did in fact get out. people were so nice it made me actually fucking cry jesus CHRIST. i had in fact perhaps forgotten that these things were all as bad and worrying as they were

now. this is all a very serious and harrowing-sounding prelude to the actual point of this post, which is. a bullet list of some of my FAVORITE FUCKING RESPONSES. revel in these with me i had so much fucking fun. i have taken DOZENS AND DOZENS of screenshots to peruse whenever i need a healthy dose of Perspective

here they r:

you are CARTOONISHLY EVIL?

HOLY ABUSE BATMAN

DO BETTER. RIGHT NOW.

did you even listen to yourself writing this. HOW

there's something seriously wrong with you. like on an intrinsic unfixable level

hey this happened to me too! my parent died and i had a party about it btw

your daughter is never going to speak to you again after this

(note from the future: yeah)

you're going to act confused and sad when she goes no-contact aren't you

(NOTE FROM THE FUTURE: HE SURE FUCKING IS)

i think you are creating your own problems and then getting mad at them. maybe instead you could not do that

is this ragebait. i can't imagine anyone this horrible actually existing

this isn't ragebait. i can tell this isn't ragebait because I Know This Kind Of Man So Intimately

you are the asshole on literally so many levels i'm going to write a 15 paragraph response line-by-line dissecting everything wrong with you

are you aware that you're lying or are you literally this incapable of 2 seconds of honest self-reflection

i need to donate to a gofundme for your daughter right now immediately

(note from the future: i am not going to scam people by pretending a long-done sitch is a current emergency on gofundme. have no fear.)

wow. okay i'm gonna go hug my mom and thank her for not being you

you are Actually Literally Empirically the Actual Literal Worst Parent who has Actually Literally Ever Existed

HOW FUCKING DARE YOU????

WHO DO YOU FUCKING THINK YOU ARE.

I AM A 57-YEAR-OLD MOM OF FOUR ADULT CHILDREN AND THE MERE THOUGHT OF DOING ANY OF THE THINGS YOU HAVE DONE HERE MAKES ME PHYSICALLY NAUSEOUS

these vibes are so skeevy. leave her the fuck alone????

along with ASTONISHINGLY accurate inferences about exactly what was happening with the daughter (me) in all the missing missing reasons & like..... exactly how the situation was So Much More Ugly And Horrifying than an innocently confused i'm-so-well-intentioned dad-POV post would have you believe.

so. anyway. that was literally the most validating experience i've ever had in my entire life. i know i've said he's a bad guy before but i also always forget just how far beyond the pale he is. like wow that was. that was not a normal average human experience to have growing up huh.

IN CONCLUSION.

if you guys are ever wondering why i am the way that i am about, like........ anything....... everything....... whatever......

just remember.

i was raised by belos owlhouse.

[sparrowhero]

if it isn't too much trouble can we get mirko dating headcanons?

you can absolutely get the best bunny girl

Mirko Dating Headcanons

High risk, high return. Mirko demands the absolute most from her significant other because she is absolutely unwilling to slow down, but she’s so much fun that it’s totally worth the exhaustion at the end. Thankfully, she’s more compromising than she appears so if you can’t keep up with her physical antics, she’s more than happy if you keep to the sidelines and cheer her on. You’re still going to get dragged a lot of places though, so good luck if you’re an introvert.

Mirko risks her life on a daily basis and she loves it; that will never change. Dating her is a lot less you going “oh I can’t believe you got hurt!” And more “I can’t believe you kicked so much ass/I’m so glad you came back alive.” She doesn’t like to be told anything about getting injured or being held back, but she also cannot stand YOU getting hurt at all. You will get a lecture if you come back fucked up. When she’s really injured, she secretly does like that you fuss over her, just don’t go telling her not to be herself.

she’s absolutely not shy about courting you. “Hey! Let’s go out!” Is probably how she asks you out. Mirko is just as likely to ask you out from first impressions as she is asking you out later if you happen to impress her/change her mind. She’s not the type to hesitate on anything and if she’s into you, she’s going to pursue you actively. Gives other pros all kinds of shit for being too cowardly to date civilians. “If you can’t protect your partner, what even is the point? Just go home.” The idea of breaking up to protect you is completely bonkers to her

Speaking of impressing her, while Mirko likes “strong” people, it’s more of a strong personality than physical strength— though if you want to spar with her, that’s fucking awesome too. People who don’t give up when things get tough, people who voice their opinions even when nobody else agrees, stuff like that sets you apart in a world where conformity is praised.

Does not let anybody touch her ears or tail bc it activates a sleeper cell where she will rabbit kick the person who does so immediately as hard as she can. Her hair is totally up for grabs though— do whatever you want with it. Maybe someday if you get close enough you can work your way up to it.

Competitive with other couples. She’ll see Hawks and his significant other on Instagram doing something cute and she’ll immediately be like “we can totally do this BETTER.” Hawks thinks it’s funny so he shamelessly encourages it.

She hops around all of Japan for work so if you don’t have the opportunity or means to do so with her, she usually tries to send you a card or photo from each place she’s in at the current moment. However, she’s usually only there for a short amount of time, so it’s not quite as often as you would think.

While she’s very confident in her ability to live a very long life due to her own strength, she does occasionally worry about what’ll happen to you when she’s gone. She reassures you that she’ll go when her time is, but that she also wants YOU to make sure that you don’t have any regrets with the time you have together. One thing’s for sure, while she may have thought that teaming up is for weaklings, having you to come home to has only made her stronger.

Kisses your cheeks a lot and likes to rub her nose against you while doing it. She’s not into PDA but sometimes when the adrenaline is running really high she’ll just go for it. Honestly, she’s going to at least attempt to give you a piggy back ride no matter your height or weight and will not rest until she’s able to. She wants to hop around with you! To show you some of the things she’s seen! If you have to wait for her to get a little stronger or map things out, then she’ll just have to make sure the wait is worth it.

Always the big spoon but she moves around a lot in her sleep. Will immediately latch onto you in her sleep if you try to get up and out of bed when you’re cuddling and will not let you go until she’s awake. Mumbles “love you” in her sleep and, on the off chance you manage to escape, she’ll grope around on the bed and mutter your name in her sleep if you’re not there.

[highladyluck]

Season 2, Episode 2 Liveblog

Teaser:

Good lord the WLW Agenda on that girl! flawless, no notes

Oh Rand honey, your heart is in the right place but your hands are not

How long, Selene? How long EXACTLY?

Rand is here and he’s having a bad time

Rand made fun of Mat for wanting to pay rent by sleeping with the hot innkeeper, but here he is, doing just that!

Oooooh the Foregate! Oh, this is interesting! Rand the nerd is always researching, and I guess he’s researching madness.

Lmao Verin is such a smartass

Moiraine you are being such a regular ass right now

Eeeeey it’s the fly trap! That’s a neat little book cameo. Oooooh and the dead Fade too.

Oh yeah I was waiting for someone in Cairhein to give Rand shit for looking like an Aiel 😅 gonna give that guy even more PSTD

Ok, looking at this guy’s waffleknit bathrobe… Donal Finn is RIGHT, Mat has been wearing a bathrobe this entire time. I want him out of Liandrin’s weird torture basement and into some fancy duds immediately!!!

I bet this guy reminds Rand of Tam, assuming he knows Tam’s backstory

Wow who vets these employees?

Liandrin like ‘I’ll just pocket this deadly poison don’t mind me”

I am here to watch Nyneave Heal and to make snarky comments about Liandrin and I have paused the episode so I am temporarily out of snarky comments about Liandrin

Oh I like the Accepted sleeves

“Men who can channel are not a disease” You tell her, Nyneave!!!

I don’t think they should let Liandrin teach Accepted either >:( also lol @ thinking you could stop Nyneave from being a Yellow, that ajah has her name all over it

…honestly I’m with Mat, we just saw her palm a poison and Liandrin doesn’t give anything nice to men without an ulterior motive

Ok I laughed at Mat’s choreography

I really hope he’s breaking out and not breaking into A Secret Dagger Chamber or something

Oh Elayne you are about to get a shock

Oh Egwene’s face was PERFECT

“You know, some of the greatest pairings have been between novices in adjacent rooms” Good lord the WLW Agenda on that girl! flawless, no notes

I would also be like ‘yeah yeah’ if a Green told me the Last Battle was coming, tbf. They’re the Apocalypse Prepper Ajah, you gotta take it with a grain of salt.

Love the canon detail of Nyneave never giving Aes Sedai their honorifics

Watch Nyneave discover Mat’s oubliette but he’s already gone 😂 (my guess)

BIG FISH

Oh Verin :D

Uh oh, I remember this part with the Trolloc mask.

Oh Rand honey, your heart is in the right place but your hands are not

Lmao she does not ever stop

This is not femdom!!! Illegal illegal red alert 🚨 🚨 🚨 Robert Jordan is rolling unquietly in his grave 😡 although I guess Selene got what she wanted so maybe it is femdom 🤔

Hah, I was wondering how Elayne got away with fancying up her room.

Liandrin loves someone??? OH SHIT that’s her son.

Awwwwwww we needed Min and Mat bonding and this is giving!!! I love that the show really shows how these people are friends

Mat is sharing his spoon, my heart ♥️

Moiraine like ‘oh god shut up, fine’

I do love the pond story, straight from New Spring :D

I cannot wait for Mat and Min shenanigans!!!

I was not sure about Donal b/c I loved Barney, but he makes his eyes sparkle & the little half-smile is pure Mat, so I’m sold

Ah Mat, you’ll change your tune on knowing the shit headed your way, if only so you can better dodge it

Awwww stabby??? No no stabby!

Lmao Selene he absolutely can hurt you

How long, Selene? How long EXACTLY?

Oh my god Elayne making hooch in her dorm room is the canon I never knew I needed, she absolutely would

Accepted Test! Accepted Test! *bangs on the table in rhythm*

The music in this series is so gooooood

Lan don’t read that, it’ll give you nightmares

Moiraine like ‘I knew you were the one when I could abandon you and you’d survive’ but a) you could not, Lan’s deathwish is So Big and b) I see Moiraine’s mentorship strategy at play here lmao

Moiraine is absolutely trying her best to platonic lifebond break up with Lan

(And ‘we were never equals’ is not a denial)

The battle sequences feel very RJ- chaos, impressions, brief intense focus

I would NOT want to piss off Loial

Also I only JUST realized it was the Seanchan a beat before the damane showed up, b/c I recognized the Samuri-ish armor

They all have baseball bats!!! This is so funny to me, I’m sorry, but then again what is more American and Japanese than baseball bats? (Besides imperialism)

They look so scary!

Oooooh American accent! Not Texas enough but still

Damn Rand, did you intend to take his job? Yeah, ok, I see you did. Damn, that’s cold! On par with book 2 Rand tho

[shmowder]

Say your post mentioning stakh as bpd coded and that’s so such a good take but may I also offer Clara also being bpd coded a big part of her route is her trying to prove she's good because she can either be good or bad no inbetween which reads of black and white thinking plus She's self destructive, harming herself in order to heal others…I have more reasons but I’m too tired to remember lol but she reads of being bpd coded too me as well!! Honestly Daniil also reads as having bpd too me as well though he reads more of having petulant borderline while Clara reads to me of having discouraged borderline (half of this is probably me projecting but I also think I’m on to something!)

Typing this out is making me wonder how the healers would be with someone close to them who has bpd….

Clara being borderline is such a big brain move. It explains a lot of her more extreme actions in an attempt to fix things. Like how she ran away from home in P2 because she extremely adored the two adopted parents she barely knew for a week and didn't want her growing bad reputation to hurt them.

Her mind immediately went to the worst-case scenario and decided they must hate her now for it. Deciding to follow through with her extreme plan without consulting anyone or telling them.

Especially with how she is genuinely a good person at heart, she really wants to cure the most amount of people, to prefrom a miracle and save everything. She is both loathed and revered, no in between.

Mention of cluster B personality disorders, depression, self-destructive behaviour, and suicide below.

Yet she is sometimes mean in conversations because you made fun of her dreams, even just as a joke or a small dig. It becomes personal to her and she loses faith in the Haruspex and Bachelor for not having taking her seriously.

God, her magical power that forces people to tell the truth and nothing else. It sounds like heaven to someone with bpd who is prone to overthinking. For once, you get concrete evidence that the people around you aren't lying or faking it, and yet your brain still doesn't accept it. Yet Clara still falls victim to paranoia sometimes, and the "what ifs?"

There is a sense of self detachment that comes with Clara, a shaky view on her own self. While other people would gaze into a mirror and see themselves, instead of a reflection, Clara can only spot a blurry distorted shadow staring back at her. Who is she? Is she what the people really say she is? But then, not even they fully agree on what she is.

Other people's views become important to substitute for a stable self image, Clara wants others to follow her, to believe in her virtues so she may too believe in herself. If no soul out there shows her love, she might just crumble into dust.

She requires their approval, but she resents needing it. She hates that she functions best when other people have faith in her.

Her views on people shift and change frequently, friends become foes, and foes become aids in time of strife. Doesn't she step over her own dignity twice to ask the Haruspex for help in P2? The constant push and pull in her brain to do better while burning the candle at both ends.

Stubbornly insisting she can solve everything alone and other people should stop meddling, the fact her powers stop working if she doesn't believe in them. It is literal in-game but it also feels like an allegory for how debilitating of a prison the mind can be sometimes, isolating you and spinning a false narrative for you, distorting your view on reality and making you sure this is how everyone must feel because you are just so out of touch with your own emotions you cannot argue otherwise.

-

For Daniil, I see him more of bi-polar than borderline. His dialogue switches fast between "really polite, heartfelt and sincere" and "cold, detached and skeptical"

In one interaction in P1, your only two dialogue choices are either to insult someone or blatantly flirt with them. No middle choice.

It could also explain why people view him as rude? He isn't rude most of the time. But when he is suddenly cold after being a gentleman for a while, it becomes more shocking and exaggerates his minor offence in people's views.

He is dismissive of Clara to her face, but when asked about her in a different scene, he compliments her behind her back. Daniil criticises the kin, but when someone does the same in the marble nest, Daniil is quick to contradict them and defend the kin. Calling their language beautiful and saying correlation isn't causation so don't go blaming the plague on them.

he is vendective in a way, too stubbornly attached to his own principles and beliefs with very little room for compromise. If people want to cure this plague, they must listen to him and do as they're told, even inviting the other healers along to be his aid. Medicum morbo adhibere.

He doesn't waste time when he talks, he gets straight to the core of the subject in the first sentence. I mean look at how he starts most of his conversations:

The most polite greeting you get out of him during the whole game is "Hey." To no fault of his own, people automatically assume he is being purposely cold because someone so learned in etiquette wouldn't behave this way otherwise. But this is just how he functions and how his brain works. He treats people as they treat him. When Victor Kain pulls the prolonged courtesy greeting in P1, Daniil follows along and reciprocates the polite words. He can do the song and dance too when someone else starts it. He just prefers not to start it himself.

Which is why Eva gets along so well with him? She lets people be themselves unapologetically and never holds Daniil's abrupt change of tone or mood against him, she continues the conversation business as usual even when he makes a remark that could come off as rude.

No wonder he grows a fondness for her. She allows him to be himself without resentment.

Why Daniil still calls her a lovely woman and how he enjoyed her company in his inner monologue after their first conversation, despite the whole conversation being almost a disaster where Eva tries to get him to stay or get to know him more personally and Daniil dismisses her requests and talks about Thanatica instead. Even has the option to outright tell her just to inform him where the judge is and get to the point. Yet she takes no offence because she knows he means none.

-

Mostly the heightened emotional state perfectly fitting him. He is described as a "renaissance man" because he tried to do everything himself at once at all times. To learn everything there is to learn and to develop as many skills as there is. Considering himself the centre of the universe in a way.

A third person who seems BPD codded to me is Andrey. it wasn't my original idea, firebird963 shared it, and it immediately clicked with me.

However, I think NPD fits him better. Cluster B disorders do tend to overlap.

The way he is always intense with his actions, all his words holding weight to them.

My path was called "Larger Than Life" . There isn't a single boundary I haven't broken. I've done everything I've ever wanted to.

Andrey doesn't change himself and water his emotions for the world, but he changes the world around him to accommodate his emotions and habits.

His constant wish-fullfiment and pleasure chasing is done at the cost of his own well-being, self-destructive behaviour nurtured rather than suppressed or resisted. Even when it dulls his talents and genius mind, the momentary solace is worth it all in his view.

It's probably his unhealthy way of regulating his emotions. He designed every single little detail in the broken heart pub after all and made a small world for his own where he is never challenged or questioned. A safety bubble, but the danger lurks in the inside instead, Andrey is the most dangerous man in the pub at any given time. It's how he feels safe.

Impulsive behaviour becomes the norm, stringing along people in unstable relationships by never allowing them fully inside.

His brother is probably his favourite person in the whole world, making it his life mission to be a guardian to Peter. The only perso he truly fears being abandoned by or losing. The rest of the world might as well not exist to Andrey.

Is Andrey living in delusion? Dissociating from the bleak reality with the help of substances, sex, art and alcohol? Maybe. It could also be his last lifeline, a bad coping mechanism but a coping mechanism nonetheless that convinces him that life is worth it... for now.

As for how the characters would be with a bpd reader, I think Daniil would clock you since day one. That man would psychoanalyse a passing ant if the mood strikes.

-

He is also tactless when he eventually puts 2 and 2 together and just drops the information in a conversation out of the blue.

If you have rejection sensitivity, Daniil might just be the worst to deal with.

But he is also self-aware enough not to judge you for things he himself is guilty of. If you split on him, he wouldn't take it to heart and still assume you're on talking terms the next time he sees you. Don't bother explaining yourself, really it was nothing.

If you pull back, he will chase after you. Daniil might not be the most considerate and too self-absored at times but his actions show how much he cares better than his mouth ever could. He wouldn't let go of someone he deems a friend or more so easily, he wants to know why and see if it's something he can fix.

You are worth the effort, worth the chase and arguments. Worth to convince and softly talk to until the voices of doubts in your mind quiet down enough for you to hear your own self at last.

He recognises the symptoms of episodes, he is observant and aware of your spliting signs. He doesn't view disagreements or petty fights at the end of the world, he'll be here to pick you back up each time you fall down.

Oh, he is still pissed and annoyed about the argument. Don't get him wrong. But he knows these are just lingering past emotions that didn't get a chance to vent out properly. He might be a little passive-aggressive, but he'd rather turn a new page after all. These intense emotions would drown the both of you whole and drag you to the ocean floor if nurtured or given more space than they deserve.

Eva would be a great option. She is considerate, patient, and kind. Reassuring you of her feelings and where you stand to her if your mood shifts too much and you start to forget.

-

Artemy knows a thing or two about repressing his feelings, but for the most part, he rather remains authentic with himself, the good and the bad. Rubin was his childhood best friend, and in Artemy's eyes, he might as well be his best friend.

BPD behaviour doesn't phase him or put him off. He remains calm and collected. He forgives and forgets because he knows you're trying your best, that humans are prone to slipping up.

Some people's emotions are too suffocating for their bodies, so they must exert it out. Sometimes, it comes in the form of snapping at others without meaning to.

Artemy waits it out, if you want to be by yourself he gives you time but still comes to check on you at least once a day. He makes himself appear as a constant, as unshakable as a solid wall you can lean on in times of need.

He's not the best with words and he can't relate to your emotions or feelings. To him, feelings are fleeting and the world is inherently complex and morally grey. There is no objective truth, only the heart knows. What's willed is What's right.

So in his eyes, you're just acting based on your own version of events. It just happened that your reality is distorted to no fault of your own. He bets he'd act the same if he was in your shoes.

Which is why forgiveness comes easy from him, why there will always be a place for you in his arms at the end of the day. His heart tells him it's whats right, he loves you despite it all and you clearly are deserving of love too.

-

With Clara, it would be a platonic love. Maybe she views you as an older sibling figure or a teacher.

Once she realises you're like her, that you feel the things she feels and share the same struggles and horrfic intrusive thoughts. Clara feels immense relief at that notion, that she is not a monster, she is not some horrible creature disgusing as a kid.

She will look up to you, try to emulate your ways of emotional regulation. Entrusts you with her vulnerability and mood switches. She adores her parents but she doesn't want them to see this side of her, she is terrfied she'll disappoint them by appearing under this light.

Rather, she'd confide in you. Let herself be ugly and words speak her truth, for once she isn't a saint or a demon but just a lost kid trying to understand what she's feeling. Trying to comprehend why things come so easily to other people but not to her? why the slighest change in tone or smallest of jokes affect her so much to the verge of tears.

She wants to be strong, to have thicker skin. She hates feeling sensitive and inferior. As if the other person will always have the upper hand in any interaction. She wants to understand herself better because masking all the time is exhausting and she can't keep appearing strong.

-

She might not fully comprehend BPD, but what she understands is love. And if you just happened to need to he reminded of how much love she holds for you when the skies in your mind turn grey, then she'll happily oblige.

It's a great bonus that she is sincere and direct. Even with her disdain and hate, she sees no point in lying and will be honest about her opinion of someone always. Even if she doesn't like them, she tells the haruspex that he scares her and she doesn't want to talk or deal with him. Completely shutting him out and any attempt at a conversation.

Which kinda protects your feelings in a way. Especially when you're feeling fragile and having thoughts that she is just being nice, she must not really mean all of that, what if its just an act?

Eva never acts, and it shows each time she dissmies a person who dulls or annoys her. She is here by your side because she wants to be! She compliments you because she truly sees beauty in you! she is never just nice for the sake of being nice. Yet she isn't needlessly rude or cruel. She would rather just stay away from everything she doesn't like.

-

Peter has experience dealing with his brother. He'd feel right at home with you. However, his depressive episodes and occasional isolation might be bad for you and make yiu think he's just outright abandoning you when all he is doing is sulking in a corner of his own house. No, he has two whole floors and 4 rooms to himself, he just prefers the corner.

Misunderstanding will happen often. Peter isn't sure how to cater to someone else's emotional needs, he barely meets his own after all.

-

With Rubin, it might become an almost unhealthy codependent relationship. He's intense, he is terrfied of abandonment. And no one but you truly understands.

He wants you in his life so badly he'd claw his eyes out, but the slightest friendly interaction with others make him brim with jealousy and sink into despair. His emotions are extremely fragile and he doesn't have the slightest idea what he's even feeling at any given time, he is so used to supressing it all.

But also, an intensity that burns as bright as your own might just be truly be the one to warm you up. There is comfort in his obsessive behaviour, reassurance in his desperation, love in his fear.

Likewise, he sees the same things in you. He never thought anyone in this life would care enough about him to warrant jealousy. That you feel so strongly about him, that you actually want him in your life and aren't just using him to fill an empty space.

That the chronic void in his heart doesn't scare you away as he bears his vulnerable raw soul to you.

No breakdowns make you judg him, no amount of panic fits or spliting pushes you away. When he accidentally hurts you, he's met with grace and the benfit of the doubt. He isn't burned at the stake for his mistakes. Likewise he extends the same courtesy to you and more, no matter how many brutal and harsh words you crush him with during a blind fit of rage, he still hugs you afterwards.

You and him against the world, that message is clear to the both of you.

-

Finally, the character I relate to most when it comes to dealing with BPD is Anna Angel.

It is so prevalent in her that all other characters. Her case is the most severe and heartbreaking.

I don't even have to say anything or spin a narrative, look at her wiki! Look at the way the devs describe her and tell me it isn't a textbook definition of the disorder.

Anna is happy to use this love to her advantage; what's more, her need to feel loved is bordering on addiction at this point. She wants to be adored. This thirst for adoration has a remarkable consequence: Anna is afraid, to the point of panic, of townspeople finding out who she is—yet she can’t resist occasionally showing her performing talents: singing, juggling, doing acrobatics.

She takes this risk for the sake of a minute of rapt attention. Sometimes she slips up and does one of her “numbers” without meaning to (much to the delight of those present), only to spend the next few nights trembling in fear at having given away who she is

She views herself through the townfolks eyes, she makes others her mirror and finds herself aiming to impress them to be reassured that she still has a worth, a use to the people around her.

Even when those actions are done impulsively out of desperation for a momment of applause and approval, even as she splits the next night and literally temples in fear at the idea of them discovering who she is.

Paranoia consumes her thoughts whole. They must resent her. She will never show her face again. She is desperate enough to visit a fortune teller where she ends up being cursed to always carry a beating heart around.

She lies often and it becomes difficult to believe anything she says. Anna has many things to hide and is reluctant to share even the basest of information with people. She appears to trust very few people in her life.

The heart is a clear allegory for her vulnerability, exposed lies and how she views herself a gold trophy that's rotten on the inside. Terrfied of anyone peaking below ther fragile surface and exposing her for the horrible monster she is afraid she truly is.

But she tries to help, in her own unhigned and amoral way. She sacrifices her life to save the town, agreeing to suicide just to take the haruspex's place in death in P1. Believing in Clara and agreeing to hand over her soul if it meant a cure will be made, that the people will hopefully remember her for her sacrifice which will atone for her "sins"

Anna... probably developed severe BPD during her traumatic years at the Ace Of Diamonds circus. They didn't just murder children. They kidnapped them and trafficed them. Sold the talentless kids out while turning the others into preformers.

In P1, she is only 18. and In P2, she is described as a young woman. What does that spell out? Yet she feels as if she is just as accountable as ring leader, she claims she was the one to lure the children.

Peter cares for her, maybe he sees his own brother for her. He tells you in P2 to go check on her, give her some medicine, keep her alive. She is a good person despite it all, she is good. She means well.

She went into infected houses to take abandoned infants and deliver them to a group that promised a cure for the town–rather than her promise to bring them to the townhall.

Anna's mind is never a friend to her. Her life was filled with cruelty and the need to survive above all. Yet she craves love. She either switches between adoration or hatred for the people around here, there is only black and white.

She doesn't believe the friends who claim to care about her, she doesn't trust the haruspex or healers. She thinks she is the cause of the plague indirectly, that her tragedy is intertwined with the town.

Someone who spent all their years surviving, being told they're part of a group of heartless monsters. Associating love with glamour that could be twisted into resentment if the facepaint she's wearing starts to melt off.

Love is fragile and unreliable and could so easily spell her doom, but god does she crave it more than air. Does she use it to base her self-worth around because she never had a chance to become a person who wasn't performing with a mask.

She is constantly acting because that is all she has ever known. because no one can be trusted.

And yet. She gives it all up. The ultimate act of sacrifice, a glorfied suicide by the hands of a saint. She wants to be good, she truly wants to be good and kind.

It's not her fault, she wasn't with them she swears. She was never a part of the circus, it's just a big understanding. Don't take her life away, don't condemn which you do not comprehend.

[humanoidtyphoons]

My impression of Milady in the novel is that she's a complex character that is fun to read about, whilst its initially unclear about how evil she really is, note D'artagnan is horrified when Athos claims he immediately hung his wife on the spot, but by the end, the reader is supposed to agree with the cast that Milady is evil incarnate and cannot be allowed to live.

We get some chapters from Milady's perspective and she definitely desires vengeance on D'artagnan and Athos, she deliberately murders Constance as a way to hurt the former despite acting as her friend for several days. This leads the protagonists to decide that they have to immediately kill Milady without taking any chances of her escaping.

I don't think the vigilante trial was supposed to be the best choice, though, even if Milady was clearly guilty, in the sequel its established that the executioner and Athos, are guilt ridden for taking the law into their own hands and think they should've taken her to a proper court of law.

Athos is interesting given during the execution, he was the most gung ho about executing, threatening D'artagnan with his sword when he gets up to help Milady, but years later, their roles have flipped.

Milady's son is actually given at least one passing mention in the first book as the heir of her late husband, D'artagnan definitely knows about him.

Speaking of Milady's death, she spends alot of time giving all sorts of ridiculous reasons why they can't kill her including her being too young, wanting to mend her ways, that she only killed Constance because she loves D'artagnan, and having men ready to avenge her if she dies.

Athos and I think Lord De Winter, both remark in the sequel, that she, never, at any point, brought up that she had a son and that he'd be all alone if she died. Athos even sadly remarks that he would've spared her if she brought up her son's welfare without his mother.

Its never said why Milady didn't bring up her son, maybe given the in-universe belief that she was pure evil and fan theories that Milady just viewed her son as a way to get De Winter's money, she didn't consider him? Its never explained and up to fans to answer I think?

Ah, that makes sense! She's fun to figure out--and D'artagnan is certainly a good audience surrogate for that! Out of context, when Athos claims that he hung Milady on the spot, that certainly gave me pause. But then, later on, as her evil continues, it's... kind of more understandable. Yeah, I mean, she probably can't be allowed to live, because her evil would continue... but on the other hand, the vigilante trial both... is and isn't the best choice. Is, because god knows Milady is persuasive enough to wrangle her way out of the situation, and getting the job done ASAP is prolly for the good of France, but also isn't, because the musketeers shouldn't really take the law into the own hands, considering Athos is her former husband, and D'artagnan, her former lover. They made the best of a bad situation, I guess, but it's still a tricky situation TBH.

Hmm, I wonder if that's true -- for Athos to have spared her at the time. It's all very well and good to say that, twenty years later when he feels remorse, but in the moment? I think his rage was too great. But who can say? From what I read of TYL, he's certainly changed from TTM, but if I reread TTM, it's certainly something to think about.

(Her reasons for not being killed are making me laugh though! Never it let be said I don't enjoy ridiculously weak arguments!)

Hm, okay. Well, speculation is fun too, even if there's no concrete reason on how Milady thinks about her son. Perhaps he just didn't occur to her during the trial. Let her have some mystique til the very end, I suppose.

[queer-adhd]

CW for discussion of animal death.

So. The dog killed a bird yesterday.

I spent most of today processing it in the background, because it was something I wasn't prepared for. I've always been honest with myself about the fact that we can't have any small pets that he could gain access to, because he is not safe to have around them. I would not leave him unsupervised with a small dog. I still wasn't really prepared for it to happen, because I thought that it was in my control to avoid those things.

This was one of those situations that very much cannot be properly controlled for. We run him off leash in a fenced in area, after dark to limit the chance of an unseen pet running into him, with rescue treats on hand. He has a harness that I can carry him by if necessary, and is trained to associate that with high value treats. He considers it one of the tricks he does for fun.

He's even sensitive to correction from other animals. Being hissed at by the neighbour's cats when he saw them made him unwilling to try and play with them.

None of that can really protect against him being out of sight for fifteen seconds, and immediately finding a small and fairly injured fluffy thing that makes the BEST noises when he slaps it.

Sometimes rescue treats aren't good enough, and by the time I'd gotten close enough he'd already begun resource guarding. We've been working at that, and on his recall. More work still clearly needed, but it's pretty fucking hard to trade for an entire bird when what you have to offer is just a dog treat, no matter how nice the treat is.

Anyway. It was not a good time. Athos had to front because he was the only person who could be calm for that situation, and panicking was only hyping the dog up further when he'd already gone far past threshold. He's been known to try and swallow forbidden food whole if he feels it's being threatened, and we really needed for that not to happen.

Rouke came out with the highest value rescue treats we had. We got him back on leash and continued the walk after disposing of the bird. We've been keeping an eye on him to make sure that whatever had the bird grounded and unable to get away wasn't something that can make him sick.

It helped to know that there are a lot of foxes in that park. They like to tease the dog. It's why he only runs in the fenced area; the bars will let a fox through, but not him. The idea was always that he was the only thing in that park that couldn't leave at will. But it also meant that the bird would have died no matter what. It was just a matter of when that night it happened.

Anyway. The main point to this post was. Well, partly to put it in a different perspective from total panic. Recontextualise it a day later with a clearer mind.

The other main point was that this is normal. It was a bad experience, but it doesn't make him a bad dog. It wasn't a major failure of training or management. It was a situation that was fairly impossible to preempt, and which was dealt with as best we could manage.

Dogs kill small animals. It's a large part of why we bred a good number of them. He's a working line dog, and just because he lives in a city it doesn't change the fact that many of his siblings are working as hunting dogs. The traits which make him an effective assistance dog when he's on duty make him a risk to small animals, because focus and drive and food motivation are a double edged sword.

It's not just him, though. It's more of a risk for him, which is why we're careful, and why this has only happened once in over three years. This is the only animal he has ever hurt.

A lot of people are not so careful, and the results are similar. The dog is fine, tolerates other animals reasonably enough, until the conditions are right and things go wrong. In those cases it's often another pet. One which the dog has coexisted peaceably or happily enough with. Until something hit just right: the cat ran past it at the wrong time or it wasn't careful when playing, and... yeah.

It's not a bad dog. It's a management issue in a lot of cases. A dog being set up to fail. But despite the best management in the world, there will always be unforseen circumstances. So I guess this was to raise awareness, because this... Happens. It's horrible, but it happens. All we can do is manage it when it does.

[gigglymarvel]

That One Annoying Sister (Yelena x Wanda x Natasha)

“Hey ! can you write something where yelena keeps on annoying nat and wanda, and well… let’s say it doesn’t end well for her.” We hope you enjoy, anon! (Word count: 1781)

After returning from a mission, Wanda and Natasha were at the dining room table wrapping up case reports. They'd already been in a four hour debriefing meeting. Yelena had stayed behind to receive Avenger specific training being a new recruit, so she was eager to see the other women.

Once Yelena had changed into more comfortable clothing, a vest top and baggy shorts, she went to join Wanda and Nat in the dining room. “Heyyy, what are you up to?” She asked, sitting herself down opposite them.

Nat gave her a quick smile, "Case reports," she replied with a tone marking how thrilled she was to be doing them.

Wanda nodded, "I can't wait to be done." She added with a dramatic groan as Yelena then moved to sit on her sisters lap.

“Well I’m bored and need entertainment.” She announced, staring right in Natasha’s face with a pout, folding her arms.

Natasha rolled her eyes, chuckling, "Okay Yelena, I know I miss you too, but the sooner I get this done, the sooner we can hangout."

Yelena groaned once again and began gently shaking Nats head before getting up and using her strength to pull Wanda’s chair away from the table. “Guyyyyys, I’m bored!”

Nat rolled her eyes, still smiling fondly as she went to push Yelena back gently, when Wanda yelped and used her magic to give Yelena a mohawk by making all her hair stand straight up, "Lena! Trust me I'd rather have fun with you," said the witch, "But I'll explode if I don't write this last page of the case report."

Natasha nodded, "Sestra pleaaaase, don't make us punish you." She teased a little, making Yelena widen her eyes briefly, but then managed to keep her cool.

“I am pretty sure you won’t explode, you dramatic little thing.” Yelena smirked, before playfully messing Wanda’s hair up for payback.

Wanda squealed, "Oh you little shit!" She said, playfully, "That's it! Natasha I cannot anymore." She said and ran after Yelena. Nat smirked, "Oh I'm so in."

Yelena gasped and made a run for it, dashing to her bedroom and quickly yet quietly climbing into the wardrobe, taking her time to close the door silently before the two came in.

Natasha smirked, pretending to toss the room as she nodded to Wanda. The witches eyes turned red and she used her magic to gently open the wardrobe, floating Yelena out of it gently. "Gotcha," she smirked. Nat smiled broadly, "Oh did you really think you'd get away with this?"

The blonde gasped, wriggling around to try and get away from Wanda’s magic as she bit her lip and shook her head. “Nonono, I was just joking guys-“

The Scarlet Witch gave her a devilish smile, "Oh darling, don't worry, we'd never hurt you." She said as she lay her on the bed spread eagle.

Nat immediately straddled her sister, "Do you remember what I used to do to you when you'd bug me as a kid?" She asked with a wicked smirk.

Yelena scrunched her face up and wriggled around, nodding silently as she pulled at her limbs, trying to brace herself for what was about to happen.

Natasha wiggled her fingers above the blonde, but it was Wanda who made the first move and gently floated ticklish magic around Lena's tummy.

The younger sister bit her lip, trying hard not to break since Wanda didn’t know how sensitive she was. She tried not to giggle as she sucked her stomach in and wriggled around, shaking her head.

Natasha smirked, "Oh we're gonna play hard to giggle are we?" She teased as she fluttered her fingers into the young Widow's armpits. Wanda let her magic explore Yelena gently, looking for sensitivities.

Yelena squealed and pulled at her arms, trying harder to hold back her giggles, but flinching when she felt an awfully feathery feeling along her sides.

Wanda smirked and came to side on the bed, allowing her tickly magic to continue to explore as she tickled her nimble fingers along Yelena's sides as Nat shook softly under her arms, "Coochiescoochiecoochie coo Lena loo, you know you wanna laugh."

The younger Widow yelped the second Wanda touched her sides, holding her breath as she shook her head and wriggled around.

"Ohhhh does Lena have ticklish siiiiides?" She cooed, watching as Yelena quickly shook her head in response.

"Oh she does," Nat confirmed, and suddenly dug gently into her ribs while the witch kept getting her sides.

“Nonono go back and do your stupid paperwork!” Yelena replied quickly before accidentally letting out a few giggles.

"Oh there it is! There's that laaaaugh!' the redhead cooed as the witch's magic found Yelena's feet, her quick fingers still spidering and squeezing the blonde's sides.

Yelena blushed and let out a cackle the second the magic brushed against her feet, finally breaking into a fit of giggles as she kept pulling at her trapped arms. “Nohohoho!”

"Oh my, we need more hands! Oh wait, I'm magic," Wanda chuckled evilly as her magic danced up Yelena's arches and under her toes. Nat smirked and leaned down to cruelly nibble her sister's ribs as the witch skittered down her inner thighs.

The spy broke into hysterical laughter, thrashing from side to side as she tried anything she could to get a break. “GUHUHUYS NOHOHOHO!” She screeched out helplessly.

They smirked, but Wanda let her go and stopped the torture, as did Nat. They lay next to her and cuddle her close, letting her breath. Yelena immediately curled up and flipped the two of them off.

“At least you gave me a weak attack.” She murmured, glaring at Natasha, who knew that raspberries and armpit torture was the way to wreck her. “I still think you’re both boring though.” She murmured out.

Natasha smirked and winked at Wanda, before tackling Yelena into a hug and raspberrying her neck. She pinned her onto the bed where Wanda secured her arms straight up and her legs slightly splayed with her magic. "Tickle her armpits," the redhead instructed as Wanda's evil fingers spidered into Yelena's hollows.

Yelena shrieked and burst into loud giggles, she pulled at her arms and shook her head to get Natasha away, feeling her shirt ride up from all her squirming.

Nat smirked, "Oh Lena, don't you know I know you too well?" She said as she pursed her lips and blew a gentle stream of air, all the while Wanda's nails kept spidering in. She then blew several huge raspberries all over Yelena's tummy, nudging her shirt up further with each one.

“NAHAHAHOHHOHOHO!” Yelena yelped and cackled with laughter, she tried to wriggle her shirt down and pull at her arms as she squirmed helplessly. “SHUHUHUSH!”

Natasha smirked into her sister's tummy as she rested her fingers just below Wanda's tickling digits, "Ready?" She asked, as if she was giving Yelena a choice.

Yelena gasped and looked at Natasha with wide eyes, pulling at her arms. “Nononoo… I’m sorryy… she said, giggling nervously.

"Oh that means you definitely want it," she smirked and skittered in along with Wanda as the witch fluttered into her upper armpits and Nat skittered into her lower hollows.

“What? No I don’t want it I aPOHOHOHOLOGIHIHISED!” Yelena unwillingly burst into laughter, she pulled desperately at her arms as her laughter was quick to fall silent after a few seconds.

Both Wanda and Nat stopped as soon as her laughter fell silent, and Wanda's magic dissipated. That cuddled into her again, Wanda booping her nose as Nat asked, "Was that good enough for you?"

"Can't say you're bored anymore," added the witch, who floated a glass of water to Yelena. The blonde sat up and took the water, trembling a little as she shakily drank it in one, not answering their questions and statements.

Wanda softened, hugging her gently, "Are you okay Lena?"

The older Widow looked concerned and rubbed her sister's back. The sister flinched when Nat did so, shuffling away as she didn’t want to be touched.

“I-I won’t annoy you guys again, I’m sorry… you can go and do what you need to do now..” she told them quietly.

Nat and Wanda exchanged a look, feeling sorry. "I'm sorry if we took it too far," Wanda offered, letting Yelena have space but not leaving.

"Making sure you're okay is more important." Nat said softly, also respecting her space for the moment, but wanting to comfort her again.

Yelena went quiet again, laying and staring at the ceiling as she bit her lip, not knowing what to say, which was a rare occasion.

"We really did miss you," Nat tried again. Wanda nodded, "She didn't shut up about you the whole mission, and I missed our recent bonding over pockets in outfits." She said, smiling softly at how her jackets and Yelena's vests all contained so many.

“Feel free to borrow it.” Yelena told Wanda quietly. “It is very useful.” She added, playing with the bottom of her shirt as she began to calm down a little.

Natasha came a little closer but still didn't touch her, as did Wanda. The witch softened, "It's okay to be overwhelmed, and I'd love to borrow your vest sometime, but only if you'll give my jacket a spin."

The older Widow smiled at the two, loving that they'd bonded. She desparately wanted to take Yelena in her arms, but knew not to push.

“I am sure I am able to make some pockets in a jacket if you wish to have the handiness of pockets.” Yelena told Wanda as she began hugging herself slightly, a sign she wanted physical comfort.

Wanda read her mind and Natasha read her body, and in an instant they gently surrounded her in the softest of hugs. "I'd love to see what other secret pockets you'd be able to add to my jacket." Wanda continued.

Nat smiled, "She's always had a knack for making things even better than before, right my little light Lena?" She asked, making the blonde shrug in response.

“Well it has been a while but I can try.” She replied quietly, beginning to relax a little now into the sensation. "I believe in you," Wanda said reassuringly as she stroked Yelena's hair. Nat kissed her forehead and rubbed her back gently.

Yelena nodded and stood up. “Gimme your jacket and I’ll have a look at it whilst you guys finish off whatever needs to be done.” She told Wanda.

The three of them were soon in the kitchen, the light-hearted vibe making everything a lot more fun for the women as they talked and bonded over anything that came to mind.

[theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin]

Okay but I would LOVE to here your heretical opinions on Padame if you ever want to share them or any of your other views on star wars prequel characters. Your character analysises are INCREDIBLE and really fun to read <3

Oh boy, are you sure about that? Well, the ask has been made so here, we, gooooooooooooooo!

Padme’s one of those strange characters who appears as one thing but in actuality is quite different. Because she appears as the first thing, and it’s something people really like, most people accept that at face value and if she’s not always consistent--well, she came from a series of screenplays written by George Lucas.

Padme comes across as a very noble, kind, and courageous character who is also quite politically savvy. At fourteen, against all odds, she saves her planet from invasion when the Senate did nothing, secured herself an ally in the chancellor (nevermind him being secretly Palpatine), and even after relinquishing her title as queen remains a major player in the senate for years and is seen as enough of a threat to warrant several assassination attempts (one so bad she has to be guarded by Jedi and sent home to Naboo for several weeks). 

And I’m not saying she’s not any of these things. Padme is very courageous, is one of those odd politicians who... believes she stands for what she believes in (more on this later), and has a remarkable political career.

However, she’s also romantic to the point of being completely and utterly delusional, self-centered, and frankly a little nuts.

(Yeah, you knew you were waiting for me to say something terrible, WEREN’T YOU?!) Right, so what’s wrong with Padme?

Well, if you look closely at a few of her choices, the ones that never seemed to make much sense, then you can look at her other choices and... Well, it all sort of comes together. 

That’s right, I’m talking about “Attack of the Clones” and “Revenge of the Sith”.

Attack of the Clones we have the very lackluster and strange romance of Anakin and Padme.

On Anakin’s end, his infatuation with Padme makes a lot of sense. She was part of the party that rescued him from slavery, she was very kind to him, and was the prettiest girl he’s ever seen in his life. Ten years later, always having harbored a crush on her memory and keeping it alive through whatever news he hears of her, she’s grown into a very beautiful woman and Anakin is by chance introduced back into her life. I get why Anakin falls head over heels for Padme, I’ll get more into this later and how their relationship has some major issues (aside from the obvious), but I understand why he marries this girl out of nowhere even when it could get him thrown out of the Jedi. (As an aside, since this is more of a Padme post, I think Anakin was spurred on in part also by the death of his mother and his massacre of the Tusken Raiders. Anakin’s life was flipped upside down in a very short amount of time, one of his great emotional ties is suddenly gone, and I think he has this internal crisis that culminates in him deciding to marry Padme. Without this, he and Padme may have become lovers, but I don’t think he’d marry her).

On Padme’s end... it’s a little less clear. Anakin has grown into an attractive young man, yes. Take out all of George Lucas’ dialogue, and maybe Padme finds Anakin very charming. However, Padme secretly marries a Jedi she’s known for three weeks. Now, I’d be a bit more forgiving of this, love is love and we can’t always think rationally, but there’s some other things.

Unlike Anakin, Padme hasn’t been spending the past ten years romanticizing her memory of Anakin Skywalker. When they met in Phantom Menace, Anakin was not only five years younger than her, he was nine-years-old. To fourteen-year-old Padme, Anakin was not then dating material and was instead this poor boy in slavery. Which means while Anakin has build up justifying this rapid romance, Padme really doesn’t. What this means is that her romance with Anakin reads a lot more like a romantic fantasy. Cute dashing bodyguard shows up, saves her life, through contrived circumstances they’re sent back to beautiful Naboo where they spend time together, only cute bodyguard is a Jedi and can’t marry, which makes their love excitingly taboo! 

Everything Padme does, before and after this point, lends itself to this overdeveloped sense of romance. Padme wants to be whisked away, wants to have this secret unsustainable marriage with a man who cannot be married, she’s in love with the idea of being in love. Given how little time she spends with Anakin, how little they really know of each other, I’d say she’s more in love with the idea of Anakin than Anakin Skywalker himself. And this isn’t a bad thing necessarily, or at least not a grievous flaw, however, that’s not all. 

Padme chooses to marry Anakin knowing he murdered an entire village of men, women, and children. She marries him almost immediately after the massacre of the Tusken Raiders. Note, she does not learn about this later and have to come to terms with it, she is right there. She is on Tatooine with him and sees him go to do it and then return. 

Padme doesn’t take it... particularly well, that said, she also seems to shove it under the carpet immediately. She, first, marries Anakin within days after this event. She second, never really has a “holy fuck, Anakin” conversation with him. And worst yet, she never confesses to anyone else. Padme is a hypocrite and willing to sacrifice everything she believes in, albeit I believe unwittingly, for her romantic fantasy.

She tells no one about what happened. An entire village was brutally massacred, those who are already poor and oppressed and have no voice, by a man who is supposed to be a protector of all people in the galaxy. I’m sorry, Anakin, but if Padme was who you think she is then she would have to tell the Jedi Order at the very least if not the Republic. Instead, there are no consequences, only Anakin’s descent into guilt and madness as three years pass with it festering in the back of his mind.  Padme does not stand for the poor, for the people, or for justice. She only does so when it does not conflict with her own interests, i.e. her actions regarding the invasion of Naboo. More, I do not believe Padme has the introspection to realize this about herself, she never realizes that not narking on Anakin was very very very bad. Three years pass and she lives the whirlwind romantic fantasy that she and Anakin both want. They’re secret lovers/spouses, meeting up at the oddest hours of the day and... This is three years of this ridiculous affair. Three years to come to terms with the fact that something must change. And then the kicker, Padme gets pregnant, and this is where the extra delusional comes in.

The child should have been a signal of the end. There can be no more secret now. Padme is having a child, presumably out of wedlock, and even if space is very very very different from our society I imagine this would be quite the scandal that could even get her thrown out of the senate. I believe Padme mentions as much to Anakin. More, Anakin is no longer a lover, he is now a father. What’s supposed to happen now? They raise this secret child, instructing them that Anakin is only a father in private, never in public?

Anakin and Padme briefly flirt with the idea of Anakin leaving the order. Anakin even wants to do so, but it... never happens. Now is the time it absolutely should happen. Yes, Anakin’s a big part of the war effort, but he could at least start talking to the Order and they could decide if it’d be a slow or fast exit. 

My theory, Padme’s too in love with the fantasy. Anakin leaving means he’s no longer a Jedi, it means he’ll come to Naboo, be unemployed and be around. Anakin visiting will no longer be this romantic, fraught with the danger of being found out, passionate, short lived event for Padme. It’ll become real life. He’ll be a real, ordinary man, she’ll be a real, ordinary, woman, and that spark of romance will be gone.

I don’t think Padme wants that. 

Which is why, even with the child on the way, we see Anakin and Padme continue to play out this ridiculous secret lovers fantasy. And then, of course, Anakin goes insane off screen.

Padme is told that, once again, Anakin has murdered dozens of children. Of course, this is a terrible thing to be told and she can’t process it. She needs to find Anakin and confront him, but people always criticize Lucas here and feel it’s out of character for Padme to have run to Anakin in sobbing hysterics with no plan of enacting vengence.

Frankly, I think it’s very in character. She did nothing about the Tuskens, remember? I think at the end of the day, the murder of the Jedi children means very little to her. What hurts Padme the most is that the fantasy of Anakin she married is not real. The Anakin she married would never murder the Jedi children, betray the Republic, or do any of what he’s done. And I think Padme only has that strong, iron, will when she knows the world she’s in. With the Trade Federation, her stance was obvious. Her people were being oppressed, butchered, and invaded. In this case, the world she knew no longer exists.

The Republic is gone, perhaps hasn’t existed in thirteen years, as it turns out the senator who had always been her biggest supporter was a Sith Lord. The Jedi are gone, children murdered by Anakin while those in the field are picked off by their own clone soldiers. Padme’s world has fallen apart, and I think that makes it much harder for her to be the girl we saw in Phantom Menace. In time, perhaps, she would have joined the rebellion but... I do think Padme might have also given into despair.

So, yeah, that’s Padme for you.

[basic-otaku]

My thoughts on Xue Yang's character (based on the drama and novel)

Xue Yang is a character I didn’t fully understand until I finished The Untamed. I looked back on him with a bit of pity but little understanding. It wasn’t until I listened to his character song that I truly began to dissect his character. Reading those lyrics completely flipped my perspective on him, and I went back to watch the Yi City arc again. I was shocked by how much I had missed. Xue Yang has since become one of my favorite characters of the series. I’ve spent so much time thinking about him and his motives that I finally decided to write down my thoughts. This analysis comes mostly from what I perceived, so it may differ from other people’s opinions. You are free to disagree with me.

Let’s start with what we know: Xue Yang was a street kid with a hard childhood. We know he was abandoned at a young age, but we don’t know how young. However, he must have been old enough to survive, so he couldn’t have been younger than four when he started fending for himself. We don’t know who his parents are because he doesn’t remember them, nor does he remember anyone else who had potentially taken care of him. His parents could be dead for all we know, or they could have dumped him somewhere when they no longer wanted to take care of him. It’s all up to speculation. He also has a very high pain tolerance, probably due to constant beatings as a child.

When you’re all alone in the world, you have to learn to put yourself first. There’s no one to care for you, so only you can care for yourself. I believe that Xue Yang wasn’t always a bad person because no one is inherently evil. However, because he was alone, there was no one to nurture him and teach him right from wrong. When all you experience is violence and hatred, that becomes your response to similar situations; you don’t expect kindness or want to give it in return.

One of Xue Yang’s flaws as a child was his naivety — he was much too quick to trust. That’s how he got himself into such a bad situation. He was eager to have something he was never able to have (candy), so he immediately trusted that shopkeeper when he said he could have some as a reward for running an errand. What he got in return wasn’t candy, but a brutal beating and a severed pinky. If Xue Yang had still had any faith left in humanity, this is the point where it would have left him. The remaining childhood innocence in him was gone. This brings me to an interesting piece of dialogue. In Yi City, when Xue Yang confronts Song Lan and tells him what he’s been up to, Song Lan curses at him, calling him an animal. Xue Yang laughs at him and says, “I quit using those words when I was seven.” And what happened to Xue Yang’s finger? “One finger was ground into battered flesh on the spot. The child was seven.” Even Xue Yang himself knows that moment was when everything changed, and he still carries the resentment with him now.

Back to the cart incident. This event scarred him for life and was the primary reason he became a sociopath. Now he’s bent on revenge. He was powerless as a child; just another street rat who shouldn’t be treated like a human being nor spared any pity. So, when he realizes he can do the same to those that hurt him, he takes it much further. When he was old enough and strong enough, he exacts his revenge. He wanted to make the Chang Clan feel his pain — not only for the finger he had lost but for his whole miserable life up to that point. If no one deigned to understand him, then he’d make them understand in the only way he knew how. With violence.

Xue Yang was only fifteen or sixteen when he slaughtered the Chang Clan, killing more than fifty people. This is where he meets Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan. From the first moment, Xue Yang hates Xiao Xingchen. He’s so righteous, so full of light. He thinks he makes the world better just by doing a little good. What a hypocrite. Where was he when he was needed? Where was he when Xue Yang was a seven-year-old boy left crying in the streets after having his finger ground to a pulp? No, nobody can be that good.

When Xue Yang is captured by Wei Wuxian and the others, Xiao Xingchen takes him back to Qinghe to be apprehended, and Xue Yang vows to get his revenge on Xiao Xingchen for it. It isn’t long after he escapes from Qinghe that Xue Yang slaughters Baixue Temple, blinding Song Lan in the process. According to Xue Yang’s logic, hurting Xiao Xingchen’s friend is just as bad as hurting Xiao Xingchen himself. This is what causes the rift between Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan. Without this incident, Xue Yang and Xiao Xingchen may never have met again.

A few years have likely passed while Xue Yang was working for Jin Guangyao. He is probably closer to eighteen or nineteen when Jin Guangyao injures him and throws him out, which is how Xiao Xingchen and A-Qing find him. Xiao Xingchen doesn’t hesitate in bringing Xue Yang back to Yi City with him and A-Qing and caring for his wounds. Xue Yang wakes up pained and disoriented, but he immediately tries to back away when he realizes who is tending to him. He doesn’t know Xiao Xingchen is unaware of his identity, and probably thinks that Xiao Xingchen is getting ready to take him to face justice or something. But Xiao Xingchen insists that he doesn’t need to know who Xue Yang is and that he’s only doing what’s right. Xue Yang is clearly shocked by this admission. He truly cannot comprehend kindness, and this is the first time he’s ever experienced it.

This is also the first time we get to see his genuine smile. It’s shocked and incredulous, like he can’t believe this is happening, but it’s there. Throughout the series, Xue Yang’s snarky words and sly smirk are a token of his character, but now we know they are just a mask he uses to hide the small, broken child inside of him. If no one can see the hurt he hides, then no one can hurt him further. But with just one kind gesture, Xiao Xingchen was able to bring out the young boy who just wanted love and comfort.

This kindness is such a foreign concept to Xue Yang that he doesn’t think it’s genuine for a long time. But as the years pass, Xue Yang comes to realize that Xiao Xingchen isn’t a threat. This is something he scoffs at. Xiao Xingchen is ridiculously naïve; so stupid. If he knew who he was living with, who he was eating with, he wouldn’t act like this. He would treat Xue Yang the same way everyone else had. So, Xue Yang decides to trick Xiao Xingchen into murdering innocent people for revenge. Xue Yang can’t wait for Xiao Xingchen to find out what Xue Yang has made him do because it’ll break him. What this revenge is for is up to interpretation. Maybe he’s still angry about being captured and sent to Qinghe. Maybe he’s angry at the world for treating him so badly. Maybe Xue Yang wants to show Xiao Xingchen that his worldview is stupid and that there are no good or pure people in the world. I choose to believe that it’s the last one.

At least, this is his motivation at first — he slowly loses the will to harm Xiao Xingchen. This brings me to another interesting point. In episode three, Xue Yang says he doesn’t fear death, he fears boredom. But isn’t this domestic life he’s living with Xiao Xingchen and A-Qing considered boring by his standards? I think the boredom he speaks of is really the fear of being alone and having nothing at all. Now he’s happy, however reluctantly he’s willing to admit it. He wouldn’t have put up with A-Qing’s petulant behavior if he didn’t enjoy the time they spent together. Although they didn’t get along at first, Xue Yang protects A-Qing and takes care of her like an annoying older brother. He teases her, sure, but he also cuts her apple slices in the shape of rabbits and gives her advice on how to scare away the people who bully her (even though killing them isn’t great advice). Xiao Xingchen and A-Qing were the family he never had. Now he would do anything to preserve the life he is living.

After about a year, Xue Yang’s plan stopped being about revenge. I’m not completely sure how he justified this change of heart, but I like to think he told himself he was still biding his time and that he’d get back to it eventually (even if he had stopped thinking about hurting Xiao Xingchen). Based on what A-Qing told Song Lan when he arrived at Yi City, Xue Yang hadn’t taken Xiao Xingchen out on one of those night hunts in a long time. And most of the people that Xue Yang made Xiao Xingchen kill were the merchants that made fun of his blindness and cheated him with bad vegetables and high prices. It was a messed-up way to get revenge for Xiao Xingchen. Xue Yang hates being looked down on, so shouldn’t Xiao Xingchen feel the same way?

Nevertheless, the time they spent in Yi City was probably the only time Xue Yang had been happy in his entire life. Xiao Xingchen was so in tune with what Xue Yang needed that Xue Yang came to care for him deeply. Whether those feelings were romantic or platonic in nature is up to the viewer, but I believe Xue Yang had fallen in love with Xiao Xingchen in the only sick and twisted way he could. Xiao Xingchen understood him more than anyone ever had, going so far as to listen to his idle ramblings and bring him a piece of candy every day after hearing that he had loved sweets as a child but could never have any. He managed to tame the savage beast in Xue Yang’s heart with only his presence and basic human decency. Xue Yang’s bloodlust was satiated as long as he had Xiao Xingchen to take care of him. At this point, I don’t think he would ever actually kill Xiao Xingchen. He had stopped wanting to hurt him a long time ago. A-Qing? Sure. She’s expendable, but Xiao Xingchen is irreplaceable. Even if Xue Yang reluctantly came to care about her, it wasn’t the same kind of bond. She had never shown him the same kindness that Xiao Xingchen had. He wouldn’t hesitate to hurt her if she betrayed him, but she was important to Xiao Xingchen, which meant he couldn’t do her any harm if he didn’t want to disrupt their happy life.

If Song Lan hadn’t found them, how long would Xue Yang have stayed? I don’t even think he knew. He just knew that he didn’t want to leave anymore. Xiao Xingchen gave him too much for him to want that. The viewer can easily see the happiness in his eyes when he looks at Xiao Xingchen. Xue Yang acts like a kid around him — playing games, joking around, making him laugh with childish remarks. Even in the quiet moments, he’s happy. This was especially noticeable in the campfire scene. It wasn’t shown in the original drama, but in the special edition, Xue Yang smiled at Xiao Xingchen from across the fire, and the look in his eyes as he gazed at his daozhang was so tender that it honestly caught me off guard. It seemed to catch Xue Yang off guard too because he caught himself, and the smile slowly fell. It’s like he realized what he’s doing and remembered that this should be about revenge.

Where in the past, Xue Yang hated Xiao Xingchen for his righteousness, he now loves him for his naivety. Without it, Xue Yang knows that Xiao Xingchen would be disgusted with himself. There would be no more laughs, no more games, and no more smiles. Then Xue Yang would lose the one person who didn’t treat him like dirt. So, when Song Lan finds them, Xue Yang immediately perceives it as a threat to their domestic life. He knows how important Song Lan is to Xiao Xingchen, and there’s no doubt in his mind that Xiao Xingchen won’t hesitate to leave with Song Lan when he discovers Xue Yang’s identity.

Furthermore, Xue Yang resents Song Lan for taking Xiao Xingchen’s eyes (even though it was voluntary on Xiao Xingchen’s part and was essentially Xue Yang’s fault). His logic tells him that having Xiao Xingchen kill Song Lan would be the perfect way for Xiao Xingchen to get his revenge. What Xue Yang doesn’t understand is that not everyone thinks about things in the context of revenge. I don’t believe Xiao Xingchen ever truly regretted giving up his sight. But Xue Yang can’t comprehend how someone could be that selfless.

This is where it all falls apart. A-Qing sees what happened to Song Lan, and she runs to Xiao Xingchen and tells him everything. When Xiao Xingchen comes back to confront him, Xue Yang spills it all. There’s nothing left for him to lose. His mask falls again, and he basically bares his soul to Xiao Xingchen. This is probably the first time he’s told the story about his finger, and I think he genuinely thought Xiao Xingchen was going to understand him; that if he knew what Xue Yang went through, he’d sympathize with him and justify his action (thereby justifying his feelings). Instead of that, however, Xiao Xingchen calls him disgusting, and it flips a switch inside of Xue Yang. How can Xiao Xingchen call him disgusting when he’s killed people too?

I think one of the reasons Xue Yang led Xiao Xingchen to kill those people was to bring Xiao Xingchen down to his level. Xue Yang doesn’t think that anyone can be as good as Xiao Xingchen claimed to be, so he had to taint his perfect record. Maybe if he killed people, Xiao Xingchen would understand him. Xue Yang thought that when Xiao Xingchen found out, he’d stay with him. Now he’s not the same righteous person he used to be, so how could he be good enough to travel the world with Song Lan? No, he should stay with Xue Yang instead and live a happy life together.

So, when Xiao Xingchen calls him disgusting, Xue Yang was probably confused and upset, which made him instinctively put his mask back up. Being vulnerable only hurt him again, so he’s back to harsh words and smirks, telling Xiao Xingchen that this is why he’s always hated him and that all of this was fun. Fun in every sense of the word: the killing and the happiness.

Xiao Xingchen finding out that he killed Song Lan was the last straw. Xue Yang is still laughing as Xiao Xingchen slits his own throat. It takes a moment for the realization to set in, but as it does, the smile falls from Xue Yang’s lips, and his hands begin to shake. This is the third time his mask has fallen. His eyes begin to well with tears, but he tries to keep up his act, saying that dead ones are easier to control, but the only one he’s acting for is himself.

The next scene is the one that really solidified Xue Yang’s feelings for me. He cleans the blood from Xiao Xingchen’s skin with the same care that Xiao Xingchen had shown him when he first found Xue Yang in that ditch. Xue Yang clearly thinks that Xiao Xingchen is going to come back and that the ritual will work, that he staves off his tears and sets out food for both of them. He considers eating his candy but then decides he should wait until Xiao Xingchen comes back. If he’s back, then Xue Yang is sure to get another piece.

When he realizes that the ritual isn’t working and Xiao Xingchen isn’t coming back, he breaks down. The tantrum he throws is so full of rage and anguish that it really shows the depth of his feelings for Xiao Xingchen. Again, he goes back to acting, trying to guilt Xiao Xingchen’s dead body into coming back to life by telling him all the terrible things he’ll do to Song Lan and A-Qing if he doesn’t reawaken. Obviously, Xiao Xingchen can’t hear him, and Xue Yang knows this, even if he doesn’t want to admit it. He finally dissolves into tears, screaming and crying over Xiao Xingchen’s corpse. This may have been the first time he’s cried since he lost his finger. Crying is for innocent, naïve children, and it doesn’t help anybody. But now Xue Yang has had a taste of pure sweetness and doesn’t want to go back to the bitter life he has known, so he finally lets himself weep for all the things he could have had.

Xue Yang spent the next seven years trying to bring Xiao Xingchen back to life with no success. We don’t know much about his activities after Yi City, but we have gotten information through rumors that Shuanghua was being used to kill innocents. It seems like Xue Yang wanted to keep a part of Xiao Xingchen with him. He even continued his sick revenge plot after Xiao Xingchen’s death by gouging out the eyes of and killing the remains of the Chang Clan, including their leader, Chang Ping, by lingchi. Xue Yang doesn’t blame himself in the slightest; he just thinks that Xiao Xingchen’s death was an unfortunate consequence of the situation. He will put the blame on anyone and everyone other than himself. Thus, instead of performing lingchi on himself like Wei Wuxian suggested, he takes out his anger on the remains of the Chang Clan.

Everything Xue Yang does in the present is tied to Xiao Xingchen, yet he still can’t bring him back. So, when he heard that the Yiling Patriarch had suddenly come back to life, Xue Yang knew it was his last chance. The sword ghost/ghost arm is what led Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji to Yi City. It was pointing to its murderer. I’m sure Xue Yang could have avoided a confrontation if he wanted, but this was intentional. As for the juniors, I have a feeling that Xue Yang was behind the cat corpses that led them to meet up with Wei Wuxian. This is still unclear though because Xue Yang doesn’t have a real reason to get them involved. The only person he needs is Wei Wuxian.

Xue Yang has tried everything at this point. So, when Wei Wuxian finds him in Yi City, pretending to be Xiao Xingchen, he is completely desperate. I do wonder if that is something he has done more than once. Did he often go around dressed as Xiao Xingchen? Was he playing with the life they had in Yi City? Pretending he was still there? Or was it a one-time thing to trick Wei Wuxian into dropping his guard? I also wonder how often he used his own sword because only after Lan Zhan took Shuanghua from him did he pull out Jiangzai. That could be because he was acting as Xiao Xingchen, but we can’t be sure. However, that isn’t the point. Right now, Wei Wuxian was Xue Yang’s only option because the Yiling Patriarch surely knew things he didn’t. Xue Yang had lived with Xiao Xingchen’s corpse for those seven years, keeping him in pristine condition. I’m pretty sure the only way Xue Yang could have done this was by giving him spiritual energy every day, which would be incredibly draining. I don’t think Xue Yang had an exceptionally strong golden core to begin with either. He is primarily a demonic cultivator, which means he doesn’t use his golden core often. It must have taken most of his strength to keep Xiao Xingchen’s body in such good condition. But anything for daozhang, right? Xue Yang needed Xiao Xingchen’s body to be perfect when he returned. He also put aside his pride and used Song Lan for protection all those years. He kept the one person he continued to hate with a burning passion around him for so long.

When Wei Wuxian tells Xue Yang he can’t bring Xiao Xingchen back to life because his soul is too broken, Xue Yang refuses to believe it. It’s been seven years already; he can’t give up now. Deep down, I believe Xue Yang knows Xiao Xingchen wouldn’t want anything to do with him even if he did come back, but he can’t figure out why. Because nothing was his fault, of course.

Something Wei Wuxian said really struck me as I went back to rewatch episode 39. Before the fight, Wei Wuxian turns to Xue Yang and says, “you disgust him to the core, yet you still want to pull him back to play this stupid game.” Xue Yang responds with “I want nothing of the kind.” And he’s being honest. He doesn’t want a stupid game — he wants something real. He wants a life where Xiao Xingchen knows his identity and stays with him in spite of it. He just wants one person to accept him as he is, but that will never, nor could ever, happen —not with all the crimes he has committed.

When Lan Wangji cut off his arm, leaving Xue Yang bleeding on the ground, I think he knew it was over. There was nothing left for him now. He was never getting Xiao Xingchen back. He never had him in the first place, not in any way that counted. So he laughs, blood spilling from his lips, to cover up the tears he wishes he could cry.

He’s ready when Song Lan stabs him, dying with a smile on his face as he gazes at the last piece of candy Xiao Xingchen had ever given him. It’s blackened and inedible, yet Xue Yang held on to it for so long; it was a reminder of his daozhang and of why he was fighting so hard. Like his character song said, he was “too determined to let go.”

It’s kind of sad that even in death, he was never respected by anyone other than Xiao Xingchen, and all of that was built on a lie. He didn’t even get a proper burial, although I suppose he kind of deserved it. Xue Yang is the character I pity the most in this series. He isn’t a good person, nowhere near it, and he deserved the end he got, but I wish things could have been different. What hurts is that it just as easily could have been Wei Wuxian. If Xue Yang had been taken in as a child; if he’d had his own Jiang Fengmian, his own Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli, he could have been happier. Maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe he would have met Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan and started a sect with them. Realistically, he and Xiao Xingchen would never be lovers because Xiao Xingchen was so strongly connected to Song Lan, but I think they could have been friends.

However, one question I still have is did Xue Yang fall in love with Xiao Xingchen because of how he treated him or because of the person Xiao Xingchen really was? If they had met under different circumstances (and if Xue Yang had had a support system when he was young), would Xue Yang have still fallen in love with him? I guess that’s up to the viewer to decide.

Ultimately, Xue Yang is still a sociopath who can’t understand empathy or feel remorse, so I don’t think he regretted any of his crimes. However, I do believe that Xue Yang regretted the consequences of his actions in Yi City. He didn’t want Xiao Xingchen to die, but his actions were what caused his death. It’s more of a dissatisfaction with where things ended up than feeling guilty for his death. Although I don’t think Xue Yang felt remorseful, that doesn’t mean he wasn’t grieving, nor does it mean his feelings for Xiao Xingchen weren’t as genuine as they could have been.

I don’t know where Xue Yang or Xiao Xingchen will end up now, but I hope they’ll both be happy in their next lives. The same goes for A-Qing and Song Lan (when he finally meets his true end). There are so many things that contributed to Xue Yang’s unstable mind, but I think the moral of the story is that it pays to be kind. If just one person had taken pity on him as a child — had shown him that there was good in the world — I wonder what kind of person he would have become.

I already know how cruel fate is

Not looking, not asking, not grieving, not hating

Waiting to relive my life just for a single person

Ups and downs in life

I would leave no regrets

I tried searching in the darkness of night

When I am trapped in the past

I still hope that a flicker of light will appear in my heart

The legend of this lonely city

Who came here before?

And gifted to me my karma

I am waiting for this karma to liberate spirits, liberate souls, and liberate me

Even though I am already too determined to let go

If I get rid of these inner demons

Would you forgive me?

Gaining freedom from destiny, starting all over again

[astaroth1357]

Lucifer? I Shrunk the MC…

I thought of the title and was like, “And I’m gonna not do anything with that?” Experimenting with format. Feel this one is a hot mess but, oh well, it was fun to write and that's what I care about.

Scene: 

Satan scrambles around his room, knocking over stacks of books and flinging others this way and that. All the while he can't quite stop himself from rambling, "Okay, don't panic. I know I can fix this. I have a spellbook around here somewhere… No, not this shelf… Hold on."

Meanwhile, MC is sitting on the pillow to his bed, practically engulfed in it because they're now only 3 inches tall. The result of yet another enchanted book mishap. This time it was an old tome left on the ground that they happened to trip over. As they watch Satan shuffle urgently through his bookshelves, they sigh and prepare themselves for yet another misadventure. It took five days for the last enchantment to wear off so they may as well get comfy…

"Take your time…"

Reactions:

Lucifer

His immense displeasure about the whole debacle cannot be understated.

Honestly, why doesn't Satan take better care of his things?? He should at least try to keep the powerful items out of the walkways!

Gets into a 3 hour screaming match when he sets Satan's punishment as giving a fourth of his book collection to the school library. Fully expects to find his things "mysteriously" cursed for the next few months.

He does find tiny!MC pretty amusing though.

If he thought they were fragile and helpless before well… now they can hardly lift a fork.

Makes triple sure that his brothers understand that if they're not careful with them, punishments will be extra severe.

Quadruple sure with Mammon.

Doesn't mind carrying tiny!MC places, mostly on his shoulder.

Lets them whisper jokes and funny asides in his ear during particularly dry meetings.

Mammon

First, he laughed because this shit is funny. Not only did Satan fuck up but the MC is now the size of his index finger! He could punt them like a paper football! (not that he ever would)

Next, he immediately starts trying to figure out how to use their new size in his schemes. He's talkin' infiltration baby!

Whether or not tiny!MC goes along with his less-than-legal ideas, he sort of loves that they're so small now anyway.

1) He can carry them around on his head or on his shoulder which is just convenient AND highlights that they're his to other people even more.

2) Watching them trying to do normal things is just hilarious! They get winded from just trying to use a pencil to write a sentence on normal sized paper.

3) Will never admit it, but the feeling of their tiny little arms hugging his cheek is one of those things he never knew he needed until now.

Leviathan 

Almost choked on his drink when Mammon plopped tiny!MC on his computer desk.

It was like someone made a little figurine of them! But this one could also walk around and say nice things to him!!

A little disappointed that it's practically impossible for them to play games like this, I mean they're smaller than the controllers.

Totally makes up for it by getting them to pose with his figurines. He never thought he'd be able to get a snapshot of MC and Ruri-chan together like that! It almost makes his figure look life-sized! If only… 

Lays a pillow on his lap and lets them nap on it while he games. Can never bring himself to wake them up so he'll stay in place long past the point of being comfortable just so they can sleep soundly.

Didn't notice he accidentally knocked them over into a Beel-sized popcorn bowl (which is more like a popcorn cauldron) while they were having an anime marathon. It took five minutes to hear their little shouts and he had to fish them out. Thanked their father that Beel hadn't actually joined in that night because they may have been gobbled up….

Satan

Is really, truly, genuinely sorry that he shrunk the MC...still thinks it's bullshit that he has to give away his books though.

Tries to make up for his mistake by helping them with whatever they need. He'll take notes for them in class, prepare finger food so that they have more manageable portions, and does all the "heavy lifting" for them when he can.

Continues to assure them that the spell is only temporary but also consults Solomon and pours over as many books that he can find on the subject just to make sure. He loses a bit of sleep over this.

Is the first to step in if he feels like his brothers aren't being careful enough around them. He already feels terrible that he got them into this mess, the last thing he wants is to see them get hurt over it too.

Treats them extra gentle, like they're made porcelain, the entire time. He won't hold them with a clenched fist so he lets them sit or lounge on his palm when they travel.

Chucked Levi out a window and into a tree after he heard about the popcorn incident.

Asmodeus

Adores tiny!MC, they're so freaking cute like this!!

Takes it upon himself to help them with the more intimate things, like how are they going to bathe or change clothes??

Goes out and buys a bunch of doll furniture and tiny outfits like this whole thing won't just wear off in a few days.

Pretty much sets up a little dollhouse in his room for them to use when they just want to be around things their own size.

Takes a shit ton of pictures though, them trying on the outfits, using the furniture, just being super smol and adorable, it doesn't matter he is all over this!

Lives for tiny kisses. It's like getting brushed by a feather on your cheeks, nose, and fingers!

Beelzebub 

Would die for tiny!MC in a heartbeat and is not ashamed to admit it.

He saw them happily chowing down on a grape about the size of their head and that was it. He was done. Ready sign his life away to this bite-sized human being.

Loves to bring them tiny snacks or break off a piece of what he's eating and watch them try to eat it. All food looks so much bigger in their little hands that he briefly considers having Satan shrink him too. Belphie talks him out of it, something about the blackhole in his stomach collapsing in on itself...

Was really cautious with them at first, though, considering he was already a lot stronger than they were to start with and suddenly they got a lot more fragile. But the MC eventually assures him that they have faith he won't hurt them.

Still the most anxious of the brothers about it. He always makes sure to watch where he's going, triple check beneath his feet, and slow the pace of his eating down enough to process what goes in his mouth BEFORE it gets there.

Is also glad he wasn't there for the popcorn incident. And got Levi out of that tree.

Belphegor 

Very conflicted about it honestly. On one hand, they're too small to sleep with anymore. He could roll over and suffocate them. But on another they're just so… cute.

...And so terribly easy to mess with now. He could knock them over if he blows hard enough, never mind poking them.

One morning he was feeling particularly malicious and put their little shoes at the other end of the dining room table. That amounted to like a two-mile jog for them. He couldn’t help but laugh at their tiny fists hitting his palm when they finally got there.

After Satan cursed his favorite pillow to scream every time he put his head on it he stopped being so mean.

Made up with the MC by sacrificing some of his pillow stuffing in order to make them a tiny bed he could carry around. If he couldn't sleep with them, he could at least sleep near them.

When that wasn't enough they made him do laps around the House with Beel. It was around the time that he was about to collapse into the flowerbeds that they found Levi dangling from that tree. He'd have laughed if his sides weren't already splitting… So much... running...

[proudfreakmetarusonikku]

(/rp! also, huge trigger warning for assault, graphic violence, death, abuse, possessive behaviour, obsession, mental breaks, hallucination, really fucking creepy treatment of a corpse, unreliable narrators, the perspective of a villain, torture, manipulation, and gaslighting! this gets pretty fucked up).

When Dream sees Tommy for the first time, there is no dramatic shift, no acknowledgement that his life had changed forever. No knowledge of the fact. All he sees is a skinny little kid who's obnoxious and loud, and he catalogues him just as one of Philza’s strays and leaves it at that.

No, it’s when Tommy drives the sword into his chest for the first time, and Dream wakes up from his non-canon death smiling despite itself when it clicks. He’s not sure what “it” is, exactly, but it’s just something about him Dream hadn’t seen in anyone before that has him hooked, captivated from the beginning.

(There's the vague recollection that he was like Tommy once, a bright eyed naive youth too loud for his own good, but that’s not unique. It’s not that, at least not entirely.)

The conflict was not started by Tommy, nor was he of any particular threat to Dream, but he was fun. So he ignored the rest, and took the boy's music discs. He knew Tommy well enough that he’d fight for them, and fight he did, and even though Dream lost in the end he laughed all the while. He’d played many a game before, but none quite this fun!

They both know this isn’t where it’ll end. Only one hopes it will be.

——

Dream didn’t care much about Wilbur's little revolutionary movement at first. As long as he obeyed the rules, and stayed in the server, it wouldn’t matter whether he delusionally thought he was under his own governance or not.

This changed immediately when he learnt Tommy was involved.

L'Manburg, a name he didn’t bother to remember until he learnt Tommy named it, was tiny, barely any more than a scavenged old world vehicle and some trees. It’s populace was peaceful, only Wilbur even an adult. None of that mattered. It wasn’t that the nation was a threat, though he certainly wouldn’t dissuade his friends fear that it was. But fighting L'Manburg meant fighting Tommy, and Dream wouldn't pass up the opportunity for anything.

He grinned with glee behind his mask as he blew Tommy's strange dirt hovel “embassy” sky high, enthusiastically threatened Tommy before remembering half heartedly to threaten the rest of the nation. He made dealings, found weak links- a new immigrant to the SMP that joined L'Manburg after the war began, it turns out. He offered extravagant promises in exchange for their betrayal, hiding the strings attached to his fingers.

Oh, but it was all worth it when the person with the eyes of an old god lead the revolutionaries into a trap, all worth it when they descended on them at once. It was definitely worth it to kill Tommy, kill Tommy, see him scream and cry in pain and stumble trying to escape and him taking a shuddering last breath. Dream had never seen anything as beautiful.

(It was a war, and feelings like this were okay in wars, right? It’s not like he was obsessed, it’s not like he was a monster. He’d been trying to be good, and killing your enemies was good, right?)

He killed Tommy a second time, too. The boy with shaking hands and a leg hanging limp challenged him to a duel for his nations future. His loss was assured, and Dream knew Tommy knew that also. This one was quicker, Tommy dead between the arrow entering his skull and his broken body make a loud thud against the planks, but it was no less fascinating. If only he had infinite canon lives, Dream would happily give up any ambitions and spend eternity seeing the boy die in so many fascinating ways.

(No, what the fuck was he thinking? The SMP was worth more than some stupid kid, and Dream wasn’t so inept with morality to know torturing someone over and over, killing them, was wrong.)

(Yet, it was so tempting he was almost ready to renounce morality wholeheartedly.)

It eventually comes to the discs again, Tommy handing Dream his prized possessions for some silly little nation. Dream knew Tommy would do anything to get them back. Having so much control was addicting, even more than control of anything else. Dream had learnt long ago that if you didn’t have complete power over anything, people would take the power from you and make you hurt.

So why did he care more about control of some kid than avoiding his own pain?

——

Dream would have sided with Tommy. Really, he would have, but Schlatt just had the better deal.

He holds the book in his hands, power filling him. He repeats the incantation, sacrifices the blood from his veins. He stares into the face of a man near-identical.

“”Brother dearest,”” he says, voice level. “”What do you wish of me?””

Dream grins behind his mask. “”Tommy.””

—

Wishes must come true, Dream thinks, as he sits on the beach of Logstedshire, Tommy passed out and leaning against his arm.

Oh, what he’d give for this moment to last forever. Alas, it passes, like they all do. Still, Tommy's getting so obedient lately- barely even grumbling as he threw his item into the hole. Part of him missed when Tommy would fight back all the while- his pained screams were entertaining. Still, it was safer this way, and more enjoyable in the long run. He’d hate to have his little songbird break it’s neck against the cage doors, never to sing again.

He’s not sure when life outside of Tommy became a chore, but he remembers dimly that it wasn’t always like that. There was a Dream long ago that wouldn’t give up friends and family, who'd cry over losing them even if he’d cut their threads voluntarily. He wasn’t that Dream anymore, the numb feeling in his chest a sign of growth. It didn’t matter that everything outside of Tommy was so miserable, because just being around the boy was a feeling a hundredfold better than any happiness he felt before.

Still, he had duties and responsibilities. Ones that seemed so important long ago, so fulfilling. Maybe one day they’d feel like that again. He had plans, from what he learnt. Government had not left him satisfied, but- whatever you could call what his relationship with Tommy was, it definitely did. Family, he supposed, recognising the boys actions towards him and his brothers. If he could make the entire server like that, that’d be a happiness greater than any other, apart from how Tommy made him feel.

He spent time with Tubbo, getting further and further towards getting that stupid fucking ram boy to calling him a friend and giving him Tommy's disc, all he wanted from him.

(He wasn’t jealous, of course he wasn’t. The anger he felt whenever Tommy called Tubbo a friend, that wasn’t jealousy. That was just logical).

Far more interesting was checking on the prison's completion. When it’s completed, it’d truly be a thing of beauty. Of course, his favourite part was the main cell, that he’d put so much thought into. He’d included all the little things that made Tommy squirm, made his breath hitch and eyes dart around fearfully. That would be so much fun.

(Tommy would learn to appreciate the fun in time, too. He was a smart boy, if irritatingly yet fascinatingly stubborn. He just needed to be taught that if he listened and just played along, Dream could give him the world.)

It took far too long, but eventually it finished, and he could return to the ugly mess of tents and logs he’d made so sure Tommy could never leave. He always started shaking when Dream showed up, trying desperately to hide his fear in his voice, and it was absolutely adorable. Dream savoured it, savoured everything about Tommy as they spent hours talking. Everything, his hysterical laugh, his nervous glances for escapes, the way he flinched whenever Dream grabbed his shoulder, his wrist, the poorly hidden look of pain when he held tighter, just hard enough to irritate the bruises that painted his skin a canvas of black and blue, it was all perfect.

Only he could love Tommy this much, and in time he knew Tommy would learn to appreciate that.

——

The second time he used the book, a tower extended from the ruins of the makeshift prison he’d made for Tommy. DreamXD stated ahead of him.

“”Brother dearest,” he said, “why are you calling on me again so soon?””

“”Bring him back,”” he said, voice painfully numb.

DreamXD shrugged a shoulder, golden hair waving around like in water. “”Who?””

“”Tommy.””

“”I cannot,”” DreamXD said. “”He lives.”” Dream couldn’t help but smile at hearing that.

“”Then bring him back to me.””

DreamXD laughed, a sound like church bells. “”That would be unnecessary. Did I not already grant you the mortal?””

Dream clenched his fist hard enough blood dripped onto scorched earth. “”He left me-“”

“”And you shall find him, no matter what.”” DreamXD smiled under the mask. “”You are bonded to him, and neither death nor distance shall break that. Just look, and you will find him, til the end of time and even past.””

“”Thank you,”” Dream said, genuinely for once.

“”Only the best for my little brother and sister. And I know you would do the same for us, brother dearest.””

——

His planning had come to fruition for once.

They were alone, in the depths of the Earth, just him, Tommy, the fucking hilarious excuse for a “president” Tommy called a friend for some reason, and his axe.

Finally, he could bring his dreams to fruition. He could get rid of any loose threads, and claim what was rightfully his. And once he’d taught Tommy to be grateful, he could get to work on the rest of the server.

It’d be beautiful. Everyone would be his friend, his brother, his sister, something in between. There would be no more wars, just peace. Everyone would be safe, he’d know they’re safe and they’d never rip him to pieces and laugh at his pain. And oh, it’d like be hard work, breaking everyone into obedience but not too much to the point they become boring, but so enjoyable and satisfying. He’d almost be disappointed when it was over.

Tommy- his Tommy, his Tommy, was crying, and it was amusing but he almost wanted to reach out and comfort him and explain it’d all be for the best. He’d do that later, once he’d secured him and any loose ends were gone forever. He couldn’t afford weakness until they were alone, but Tommy made it so tempting.

The ram and Tommy hugged a final goodbye, and the adoration he had towards Tommy, hiding his fear behind a smile, made Dream fucking sick. He should know Tommy was his. They all should know. He’d teach them, when he made the server a perfect family. Even Tubbo, if Tommy begged enough. Dream would do anything to hear Tommy's pathetic, gorgeous begging, breaking through his aggressive walls, and bringing back some random sheep was easily in his brother's power.

See, he could be kind. He wasn’t cruel, he wasn’t a monster. He didn’t even care if he was anymore, fun was so much more important than nonsensical human concepts, but it wasn’t even true. He could be incredibly, selflessly kind, as long as he had a reason. They’d learn, once he fulfilled his dream.

The sound of a nether portal, of betrayal, shatters his dreams and at this point he wonders why he’s surprised.

——

He’d had doubts, during the weeks (months, years? he had no way of knowing) he’d been trapped in the cell, but Tommy being here with him confirmed his design was excellent.

Oh, Tommy was being fucking obnoxious- and Dream knew he was doing it on purpose- but he saw it in the way he never was able to look at the lava properly, the way he always woke up in a cold sweat calling for his daddy like the child he insisted he wasn’t. It was perfect.

(Of course it was, though. It’s not hard to build on something already perfected, and Tommy was the perfect little toy.)

Tommy was so frustratingly different though. He tried not to take it out on him- it wasn’t his fault that everyone else spread lies, planted nonsense in his head about Dream being bad and not trying to do the best for everyone but especially for him- but he struggled sometimes, and it was always so tempting to hurt Tommy anyway, and get lost in the melody of his screams. It wouldn’t teach Tommy anything though, and that’s what was important. He needed to teach Tommy what was best for him.

Tommy had unlearnt all the lessons Dream painstakingly taught him. That wouldn’t be an issue- it was so, so fun to teach- but he knew, painfully deep down in his heart that he could not hold Tommy forever, not yet. The lockdown wasn’t forever, and Dream had no escape route yet. Tommy would just forget everything again, at the hands of his “friends” that couldn’t love him as much as Dream did. They needed to learn far more than Tommy did.

(Except Ranboo of course- oh, the purple eyed boy had the silly naive thoughts in his head everyone seemed to have that friendship was anything but possessing another, but he agreed family came first, listened to Dream, helped him, even with clenched teeth.)

And when one day the frustration got to Dream one day and he was so furious he hit Tommy again and again against the walls of the prison and strangled him until he was cold all he could do was laugh and laugh and laugh.

It was so, so funny, because of course he’d be the one to destroy everything he loved.

——

This time, when DreamXD is called, he looks upon his brother with concern.

“”Brother dearest,”” he says, “”are you quite alright?””

Dream laughs, because of course he’s alright! The tears staining his face must be joy, because of course he’s alright. He’s holding Tommy here, with him, and he was quiet, he must be listening. He can’t be dead, he can’t be, then there’d be no point to any of this.

“”Drista has been concerned for you for quite a while, you know,”” DreamXD continued. “”Is this because of your mortal?””

“”He’s been ever so quiet lately,”” Dream said, with a voice hoarse from crying and laughter. “”I’m not sure to be concerned or happy with him.””

“”You’re not well, Dream.”” DreamXD said, with a tone of finality despite clearly being wrong. “”The boy is dead.””

Dream laughs. “”And yet he does not slip from my grasp.””

“”Then, brother, why did you call me?””

The silence pierces through air like a knife. Eventually, through hiccuping sobs, Dream says “”Just, please, bring him back.””

Tommy sputters to life with ghostly eye and pure white streaks and more bruise on him than corpselike skin and Dream thinks he has never been more perfect.

——

Quackity's left, he thinks, because the pain's stopped growing.

He laughs, because he doesn’t know what to fucking do anymore but laugh. He can’t give up the secrets of the book, of course he can’t. Family comes first, after all, and he dreads to think what the bastard would do to his brother. But the pain was awful, never ending in waves through his whole body, and he almost just wants to confess so he can die.

He cradles what’s left of his arm since the bastard cut it off at the elbow, and he sobs. He doesn’t even care to hide it with his mask. It’s not even the pain that hurts the most, even. It’s that Tommy's gone, and by the time Dream escapes- because he’s going to escape, he’s got to- he might be so far from his grasp even their fates being tied might not be enough.

“Of course that’s not true,” a fake voice says in his head, and wavy form approaches. Fuck, the blood loss must be bad today. It always is when he sees things. Usually it’s George or Bad or Sapnap, and it leaves him with a numb feeling in his chest that he’s familiar with, but today it’s Tommy, and that’s worse. It reminds him of what he cannot hold.

“Fuck off,” he mouths at the apparition, voice too tired and hoarse from screaming to speak properly. Not-Tommy laughs, and the sound is so similar to Tommy he almost thinks that his desperate prayers have been answered, Tommy is there again, but he reached his fingers forward and they go through his tired hallucination.

“You’re a real dick, you know that?” Not-Tommy says, and laughs again. “But I know you mean the best.” Dream shrugs his shoulder at the fake, and then curls up, new waves of pain curling up his arm.

“I don’t know why I was ever friends with that bastard.” Not-Tommy lies, and Dream wants to believe it. “You’re just having fun. He’s cruel.” Tommy would never understand that clear distinction, no matter how much Dream explained it, but the fake said it with such conviction it was almost enough for Dream to fall for it.

“When you get out, I’ll be there, Dream. And then we can all be a big happy family,” Not-Tommy says, the thoughts so obviously Dream's and not Tommy’s but- the idea that Tommy understood, that he saw sense, was so tempting, Dream allowed himself to believe it, just for a second. Just until the pain started anew.

Broken and bloody, Dream drifted into unconsciousness with a smile on his face.

[deltarune-au-domain]

I, along with a few other people, recently brainstormed an idea for an alternate snowgrave route for Ralsei, and I want to know what you think of it!

So there’s two lingering holes that need to be filled for this to really come together.

#1: what is that “something else” that goes along with the garbage noise and the Puppet-Scarf/Ragger (see below) to activate the route?

#2: what are some of the specific events? How do things proceed?

I’ve also had the idea that instead of it being the Puppet-Scarf that kicks things off, it should instead mirror the Snowgrave Route more closely, with The Ragger acting as the Freeze Ring, and the Puppet-Scarf acting as the Thorn Ring. With that in mind, perhaps the Spamton Neo fight could act as a tipping point for Ralsei, with the Garbage noise+Ragger+???? (We really need to find something to fit there) and the Player’s psychological manipulation putting him On The Edge, and the fight with Spamton Neo pushing our fluffy boi over said edge.

As I write this, I have come up with an event that happens in the route, too (as well as a name: the “Puppet-Prince” AU). 

The first main event that differs from the main route happens when Susie tries to drag Ralsei along with her, and is how Ralsei ends up with Kris instead of Susie, as well as how he learns his first dangerous spell.

Ralsei, having been made very uneasy and paranoid due to the garbage noise+????, really really really wants to go with Kris, as he feels more safe around them than anyone else. 

Because of this, he resists Susie with growing stubbornness (and he does it rather violently, too), ending with him releasing a burst of light 

(I always liked to imagine Ralsei could passively control light from how he seemed to completely change color when taking off his hat.)

Susie didn’t take Ralsei’s protesting seriously until he started showing serious signs of distress (as well as him getting a bit violent, of course, which happened simultaneously, at which point she was quick to let him go. Or, at least would’ve been if Ralsei hadn’t already released the burst of light before she had the chance.

(seriously she would have let Ralsei go had it went on a split second longer and he didn’t beat her to it I cannot stress this enough) 

Susie is taken aback by this, and at least somewhat hurt by it, both physically and emotionally, feeling like quite a bit like trash because it feels like she hurt her friend, as well as feeling rather isolated again all of a sudden.

“Woah, dude... uh... I’m... sorry. If... if you want to go with Kris that much then... well... you can.”

*she tries hide it a bit*

“...Uh- I’ll meet you later! Have fun with Kris ya dork!”

*it kinda works, but also kinda doesn’t 

(Sorry if my writing isn’t all that good, I’m not that good at writing dialogue)

Ralsei immediately senses that Susie is upset and wants to apologize, but she leaves before he can finish his sentence.

[insert psychological manipulation from the player #1 here]

*Ralsei has learned “Light-Burst”

Light-Burst itself is not a seriously damaging spell, but if a significant amount of fights are finished with violence, Ralsei will learn “Fingergun-Shot”, where the light is concentrated onto a single fingertip (in a finger-gun formation, because the fluffy boi must have his guns), making a much more potent and dangerous version of Light-burst.

Being hit with Finger-Gun-Shot is very similar to being shot with an actual gun, and enemies defeated with it will collapse and pass out from their injuries, incapacitated.

They’ll be fine, though.... right?

There are still plenty more events that need to be plotted out, with Ralsei becoming very skeptical and worried for Kris, but the Garbage Noise/Gaster shenanigans making him slip deeper and deeper into paranoia, overwhelming dread, irrationality, and general “Spamton/Jevil”-ness, leaving him open to psychological manipulation. It should mirror the Snowgrave route to an extant, with specific events showing him being taken advantage of, and at the end, Ralsei should kill someone important, giving in to madness completely shortly afterwards.

__________________________________________

Very interesting! I like it. Even drew a little doodle.

[ryosmne]

Safe Place.

Yakuza! Nanami Kento x gn Reader

Hello everyone, this fic is in collaboration with my dear friend @sunfloweroranges you can read their fic here :D

I kind of changed my writing style for this one, I'm trying out different things so let me know how it goes, feedback is always welcome, that's all from me hope you have a good time reading 💜

Summary: You're clueless

Warnings: mentions of blood, mature themes, mentions of murder and head chopping, language, yandare Nanami if you squint.

Grocery shopping is never fun when you're alone, especially making your way back home in the cold winter months, it gets dark so early.

A slight twist of your gut had made you walk back home in a faster pace. Turning your head every couple of steps, you never saw anything, yet this feeling never left even when you got through the main entrance of your apartment complex.

The elevator was broken once more, and you were already out of breath from rushing back, as you took the first steps up, your next door neighbor, who looked way too scary for your own liking bumped your shoulder on his way down.

Jeez he's in a hurry today.

Mumbling a quick apology, even though he was the one that was at fault, you quickly found the strength to run up the stairs and lock yourself in. Some short of commotion was coming from outside the complex that you didn't really care to hear.

That pink haired guy, your neighbor, who was build like a damn door, always got himself in some short of trouble, hearing him yell profanities or even throwing punches was a far too often occurance.

Why did he have to live right next door?

It's safe to say you did the best to keep the hell away from him, not that he seemed to bother with you, neitherless he was fucking scary.

Kento was ten minutes late, he was never late, except for the days that he had to clean up someone's mess, the days someone underestimated the power he held or the days someone dared speak your name. He wouldn't even tell them 'dont you dare speak their name' or anything along those lines. There was no warning when it came to mentioning yo,u only taking immediate action.

Naturally you were in the dark about all of that, Kento -or Ken as you would often referred to him as- kept you far far away from the darkness of his world. That was his way of keeping you safe and at the same time having you as his personal way out of his work and in his defence he didn't completely lie about his employment. He was an investor, just a bit of a different stock market than what you had in mind.

As far as you knew, Nanami Kento was an extremely successful business man, he chalked up his tattoo covered body as just his preferred style, since he is this good at what he does, he likes to say that his work place doesn't give a damn about his ink covered skin and the expensive gifts that he always pressures you to accept are just another benefit of his high profile job.

"Darling, I hope you didn't start without me." Wrapping your arms around your extremely sweet boyfriend you left a small kiss on his lips watching as the corners tagged upwards in an equally sweet smile the moment your lips left his.

"Of course not Ken, it's Friday remember?" Fridays are the established date nights in, you and Kento cook and dine together. More often than not you end up slow dancing to some jazz, or with you laying on his chest Infront of the fireplace, listening to his heartbeat, talking about life while he strokes your hair until the dawn.

Tossing him an apron, after he -like the gentleman he is- tied yours, you got to work on today's dish: Chorizo carbonara.

"You're never late on Fridays, bad day at work?"

You spoke while slicing some papers.

"Yeah, the stocks are all over the place and it's getting me stressed, but it's our night darling, anything else isn't of importance."

Kento always found a way of distracting you when it came to talking about his day, he is always quite vague and when his palm rested on the small of your back gazing down at you with those adoring eyes, it's hard to keep focused on anything other than him.

"Why don't you tell me about your day love?"

He always asked you that, Kento is in awful need of the calm that the mundane life you live carries. He craves to feel that, he still loves the power he holds over people, the way the mare mention of his name makes others tremble in fear of what the man will do to them shall they not comply to his requests -more accurately orders-

"Thankfully work was pretty good today, I finished grocery shopping so we could cook, I got us that wine you really loved too. The neighbor is being weird again but that's not new, maybe moving out isn't a bad idea."

Everything was like music to Kento's ears untill that last sentence. You had mentioned moving out before, but Kento always found a way to convince you not to. The rent was good, this house is close to your work, he would always reason with you until you changed your mind. He never pushed too hard fearing that you'd suspect something, but you only smiled and ended up agreeing with him.

You see, unbeknownst to you, your weird neighbor is Nanami's most trusted man, he's protecting you twenty four hours a day, even as you walked up the stairs today he dealt with another threat that was headed right your way. No, you cannot move before you know everything, but Nanami can't bring himself to break your bubble, he loves you and you love him, the real him, he would never scare you by letting you take a peek at his point of view. Maybe he should run away with you afterall.

"He doesn't look that bad, love. I'm sure he wouldn't hurt a fly."

Nanami knew he was capable of a lot more than that but it was true, your neighbor was an ally and although he would hurt lots of people, you were on the list of people to be protected and Sukuna took his bosses orders very seriously.

"Besides, my love, anyone would have to get through me first before attempting to lay a finger on you."

With the way his lips moulded on yours and his velvety tone, how could you not believe every single word that just came out of his mouth. Kento would die before letting anything happen to you, that little statement helped bring you comfort.

"You must really love my house Ken, can you pass me the butter?"

The moment your back was turned, Kento let out a breath of relief. That little voice in his head he always pushed away yelled at him to tell you everything, he burried it in the back of his mind once more.

"Can you believe that? I swear she drives me insane- Ken are you listening to me?"

That was weird, Kento always gave you his full attention. Perhaps he was tired today.

"Yes darling, you were talking about that Satoru guy, the one who annoys you at work."

Yeah you were, but that was while you were still eating, about twenty minutes ago.

"Babe, you're tired, let's go to bed, we can pick up where we left off another time, you need to rest."

The habit of staying up all night on Fridays had really stuck, but sleeping when your partner clearly needed to, is very much on schedule although it rarely ever happened.

Getting up from the sofa, tagging at Kento's arm to follow you to the bedroom had Kento irritated at how concerned you grew for him. He still feels you're too good at times, all the time to be exact.

You only heard him sigh before he pulled you back on the sofa, having lost your balance in his sudden move, you landed on top of him.

"Stay with me a little longer my love, I'm sorry I spaced out, I'm all ears for you now."

Another invitation for you to just talk to him, he didn't care about what. Kento loved the tone of your voice, how it changed pitch depending on what emotion you held or what you were talking about. His voice was quite monotone, like everyone else's around him. He had to grow thick skin and throw away all short of feelings, but everything he locked away years ago came rushing back the moment he spilled coffee on you six months ago. You hadn't even complained about the burning sensation on your skin as he helped clean you up, you just gave Kento a smile telling him that everything was fine and these things happen.

In his world they don't, someone can breathe the wrong way and lose their head, all it took was your damn smile and that statement to get him to need something different than what he had. Kento never thought he missed a thing, he found out how wrong he was that very day.

Sometimes he wished he never took the time to help you out back then, but that was only because he didn't know that he'd put you through all this.

"So I'm just sat there in a staring contest over the last price of cake, I won but my eyes still feel a bit dry."

You laughed, Kento stared down at you with a fond smile, your head on his lap and your hands tangled in his, brushing his knuckles and examining every bit of his skin with such care, God you were beautiful all over.

While Kento's hands were very interesting a small detail in the cuff of his shirt got your stomach to drop.

"Ken, is that blood?"

He swore he cleaned up, he always cleaned up before coming back to you, he never missed a single splatter. Maybe rushing home after not one, but two people tried to harm you today put him on edge.

He had missed a single drop. He was absolutely disgusted that even that tiny part of someone who dared to say the name y/n out loud infront of him and even threatened your existence was anywhere near you.

"Sweetheart that's probably tomato sauce from cooking, thanks for pointing it out, you know I hate staining my clothes, I'll go change."

Your meal didn't contain tomato sauce.

Why was your gut telling you that something was off?

Kento seemed a bit tense tonight, was it just a bad day at work?

He never really conversed on his profession. The huge dragon that started from the back of his thigh, ended on his left shoulder covering his entire back was just his 'style'. You swore you heard him talk to the pink haired man who lived next door but he told you he was on the phone. Everything little bit of suspicious behaviour you had previously payed no mind to, came to you. On top of that what was his reason to lie about a drop of blood on his sleeve? He could've said it was a paper cut or something, Why did he lie?

Behind the bathroom door Kento only cursed at him self.

Why didn't he lie better?