#and bc i just want to have time to be alone in my brain and whatever else i want bc i have to work open to close tomorrow
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
pov youāre the wither and you have about 30 seconds to live
(the marks under his eye just say āRIPā in sga/enchantment table language if anyone was curious)
#my art#witchcraft smp#smajor95#i just thought it was funny seeing as his whole deal is not letting people do that#the idea was actually that he was *about* to summon the wither which is why the swordās in his off hand you know what nobody cares topsy#the witchcraft smp kinda got me tho ngl i literally have like 4 things i want to draw from this episode alone#i keep saying this but i really need to start just posting stuff and not letting myself finish it bc i want to draw so many#and frankly almost none of it needs to be polished but i keep getting carried away and not having time for other drawings >:[#i even do this fully aware that people in general like sketches *more* than finished stuff! my brain doesnāt care!#anyway enough about me how about those block game witches
1K notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
sometimes i wish i was one of those artist that make people go "this is a PAINTING???" or "with WHAT programm/medium???" but its just not what i can do or find fun :/
#ganondoodles talks#personal#not really for the attention thing but more for .. work being recognized?#im not sure#to feel more like people actually stop and look at sth instead of skipping over it?#maybe its jsut an internet phenomena(?)#like the way everything is just consumed within seconds and never lasts long and if you miss the trend you are irrelevant#the sort of weird pressure to have to subvert expectations or be exceptionally exceptional just to be recognized ?#(which i know isnt always a good thing lol)#also this isnt a complaint per se more like a thought#like i sometimes wish i was into the popular characters instead of the niche ones etc#that kind of thing#also like i wish i could make art that really speaks to people .. like those that are just so .. interesting and strange and poetic#bc (while i know fanart and silly oc projects arent worhtless) those feel more worthwhile? more worth really being called art?#for soemthing to be truly art it should be either exceptionally skilled or profound like the greatest poets?#im just doing whatever my brain allows me to do- which i know is fine#but i also dont think its inherently wrong to wish for being more than that sometimes#(... maybe its mostly just loneliness without knowing how to find friends)#(especially where i am and especially as i just want a friend to live with - not a partner... i dont want to be this alone forever ...)#(actually ....... what if all my art self consciousness comes from wanting to feel less lonely .. oh dear- no time to unpack that omg)
72 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
at first getting diagnosed with cptsd was like, "yay my trauma has been validated (it always was valid)!" and i really thought that was going to be it, but then i started to do research as i do whenever i realize i have something and learned that!! the way i experience socialization is!! quite horrid actually!!
#i have had this stupid fucking rule for myself for years since i was little#''dont speak unless you're spoken to or else something bad will happen. nobody wants to hear what you have to say unless they ask''#I TELL MYSELF THAT ALL THE TIME????#AND I DIDNT REALIZE IT WASNT NORMAL#thats not something that healthy people think to themselves whenever they want to talk to people. they just talk to them#they dont tell themselves not to speak to people for fear of what may happen to them jesus christ spacie#i get so scared when i message anybody ANYTHING#bc everything and anything i wanna talk about feels so stupid why would anyone give a shit#staring at a funny joke i want to send someone for 30 fucking minutes before deleting it b/c my brain is like ''errmm who cares?''#''also they're going to yell at you for wasting their time!!!''#i sent my friend a meme once and had a panic attack (or maybe a flashback?? im still trying to figure out what they are) immediately after#this shit sucks dude. it sucks#at least im processing what happened to me. thats why it hurts so bad rn its been stockpiled for like.#2 decades#im not looking for any sympathy here im just putting it out there#so that anybody who feels the same way i do know they're not alone#ive been struggling everyday for like 2 months now (actually DEFINITELY longer)#it will get better. things just need to be taken one step at a time#i have gotten thru my worst days i have a 100% success rate#how many days have i been alive#7930#lightwork#lets keep it goin#vent#trauma tw#trauma mention#wrote this post thru a flashback btw!! dealing with them is getting easier#before i would be unable to function for days at a time!!!#with one of the most recent ones i had i was so in the thick of it i avoided everyone i knew for a week cuz i was convinced#i was an evil unlovable freak that only wanted to hurt people
38 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
Itās so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they donāt give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.
#I fucking hate having bpd#while Iām at it I donāt understand the fuckin audacity some people have to say they love you and do horrible things to you#I feel so stupid#I feel so stupid for believing all the lies#but I was so in love and put him on such a pedestal that I just allowed it all.#thinking about someone constantly and grieving over them and knowing theyāre perfectly fine and to them you donāt exist#Iām still in such a state of grief and I donāt understand why time hasnāt healed#it honestly feels like itās gotten worse w time#I just torture myself but I canāt help it my brain wants me dead#itās so painful I feel so fucking stupid#being abandoned with no closure by someone whoās your entire world#for someone they were unfaithful to you with multiple times (I donāt even know how many and dony want to know) immediately#like that was the plan all along#he took our cat hundreds of miles away and I donāt even know if he still has her or if sheās still alive and I miss her every day#I never loved someone like that and it feels like the heartbreak is actually physically killing me#i spent 1/5 of my entire life with him#I was my prettiest and had the best body at the time and I wasted it on someone who didnāt appreciate me#not wasted. it wasnāt wasted. we had some incredible times together#Iāll never be that beautiful again#and now idk what do so bc i canāt decide which is worse: being alone and isolating or loving deeply and ending up horribly hurt all over#itās all just so upsetting.#and I feel so stupid for allowing it all#he knows more about me than anyone and he made me feel like he loved me so much sometimes and then did horrid things and itās so fucked up#nobody read this Iām so embarrassed and horribly broken#it traumatized me so much there was so much abuse and pain idk if Iāll ever recover#I deserved it but it still hurts my heart#I was so mentally ill and sick I know it had to have been miserable to be around me#there are so many things only he understands and knows about me and I need to talk about them I j wanna b able to b there 4 each other#but that girl is so beyond insecure and controlling so. if I want to talk to who fuckin gets me Iām just fucked#why lead someone on like that for years knowing youāre going to abandon them the second itās convenient
44 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
n*loth not being able to bag anyone over the (human term) age of 25-30 at most is the only logical and real conclusion to me because it can be just explained away as him wanting to prove and control everything and anyone (Cus he's a man!) but being stuck in that demographic because his unbearable and vile personality is a force that nobody can look past once they've outgrown the possible fear and idolization period of anyone but also n*loth in particular.
#text#i think even younger ones that possess the same nasty traits can be slammed back 'In their place' (in his mind) by him just bc his -#- abilities and power alone (alt. name the factors that make him 'Cool') that dumbs them down insanely in comparison#maybe by this i mean like; ild*ri. despite the animosity she could still feel very foolish and is conscious of her wuss-ness#if that makes sense#cause no matter the disrespect anyone might have for an older capable person the reality is still reality#tbh i just think he doesn't like to sweat it much and still aims for the younger ones bc it's easier than it would be for someone that's -#- 30+ years old#and once he's proven his point he doesn't find any merit in sticking with older ones cause their interests or anything they offer -#- don't matter to or interest Him personally#i think an older demographic is just more boring to him and he would rather spend his time being metaphorically sucked off for his greats -#- by someone that already finds themselves 'lesser' than him and always will for a long time#than someone that is defiant of that fact#basically the more power imbalance the better#in his mind there will always be one unless he certainly knows someone is his equal (or better than him) but he likes the add-on of an -#- age difference too#keeps it in a safe zone with less problems for him#sorry for spitting again my brain just started machine-gunning thoughts for no reason#also i said before that he's an innocence fan. might not be a total puritan but there's something there#it's kinda like him not wanting to be with a dusty ''OLD'' person that's seen a lot anyway#i'm like barely able to hold myself back from opening my mouth to mention t*lvas where i'm making a point about n*loth's brain where he -#- isn't even needed to prove it#but like#him voicing dislike of n*loth general nauseating character and actions but still sucking up to him while n*loth can probably feel -#- that dislike anyway is cute to me i like to view it as an object being thrown into the wall over and over#where n*loth is proving his own worth to other people by drilling their brains out with proof. not that he needs to#but he would like that to be perfected a 100%#and t*lvas is capable of being molded into that state ....... probably#silusvesuisuis you didnot just confess to wanting to see t*lvas be slammed into a wall you fucked up demented beast you're sick#actually can't believe i forgot to mention this but he's literally so immature idk what he has anything in common with actual mature people
29 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad š
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
11 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
my issue is that 2 weeks ago I was flip flopping on what decision to make while being very convinced that I wanted to try to leave and that doing so would make me happy and no matter how difficult it was it would be worth it. Just like how i wanted my surgery but was still wracked with guilt leading up to it. Now im stressed and obsessively thinking about it while being convinced that leaving would not make me happy at all and would not be worth it. which is a lot harder...
#talkys#and its extra hard bc the surgery is the only thing in my life I've been 100% sure about.#also my brain is doing the extra steps stuff and im already exhausted especially since i once again dont really have#family on my side or excited for me#thinking about having to have them drive me up for the job interview then having to get apartment#lease and then having to organize and throw away and pack my stuff and then unpack it#while never knowing if rent is going to be way too high next year is already too much#knowing that i love being alone but would be very lonely and not have any extended time to come home and spontaneously#go to the movies or some local event with my siblings makes me sad#the only friend id have in the new location has her own life and partner and such. id just be alone and not#wanting to leave my apartment bc i hate driving#the good times here are rare but they'd be non-existent in an empty apartment#and id likely be too tired to do hobbies after work and chores and staying alive#the color rly has drained from me not even the thought of being able to transition is saving me#nothing would change for the better
16 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
the prednisone was mean to me overnight :(
#marzi speaks#probs bc i have a family member flying down today#to help make sure iām not alone while my parents take a weekend trip to [OTHER CITY IN OUR STATE]#so iām likely anxious abt that or smth#still it SUCKSSS#stayed up too late which gave it time for a mood swing so i went to bed kinda just sad and longing#then woke up at 4 am in a puddle of my own sweat (thank you steroid hot flashes)#and like. also mildly convinced i was about to start a new infusion and had to do specific prep for that#like i was in the damn hospital again#which. in hindsight is probably a trauma response. hm#but anyways by the time i went to the bathroom and my brain understood that the Wet on my back was sweat and not my own blood#i was able to go back to sleep. until around 7 am#tried to go back to sleep. got maybe another hour. saying fuck it and just getting up now#iāll try to take a nap later#sighhh. ups and downs ups and downs#iāll figure it out or whatever. but it is a little annoying#this isnāt exactly a vent but i donāt want anyone rbing it so
5 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
this is a post scribbled angrily in glitter pen in my diary pls ignore <3
#this is so insecure and bullshit but like#sometimes writing fics is. no fun#bc you feel like you can't keep up with other writers just churning out fics and they're all so good and nuanced and better than yours#or bc you can't keep up with your own brain and all the ideas and you don't have the time to do them all justice#or bc you just can't get a spark of a conversation with other fans to catch fire the way you want to so you're just.#spinning wheels in your own head wishing you were better faster friendlier less alone#and let's not forget the fucking commodification of fandom#getting messages in your inbox only to find it's people harping for more content for a fandom on the back burner or a fic you've left behin#i love that you love my work like that but. it makes me feel like i'm at a family reunion and my aunt is asking me about the job i had#two jobs ago#and somehow you keep getting those messages even tho your current work is sparse on comments and reblogs#so you spend your slivers of free time writing something you hope is good for these characters you love only to feel like you're standing#alone in the street hawking a mediocre finished product and everyone is walking past you disinterested#it's fucking isolating. it's draining#you can only write āfor yourselfā so much before it's not worth the time and effort#obviously i will keep writing. but like. it's fucking frustrating. and i feel like a petulant child about it but i just can't shake it#anyway. here's wonderwall or whatever
17 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
you ever so attention deprived that you start crying because you posted a picture on twitter that nobody wanted to look at that you thought maybe might finally make someone look at you again
#going from having multiple people trying to Text Me every single time i even posted a photo of my face to posting photos showing off#(not a nude) and having absolutely nothing and also in general being completely ghosted by almost every songle friend you have incl your#best friend that you've clung to and loved for two years that would call you gorgeous and now doesnt even answer the phone#yknow it does not great things to your brain#and i feel so fucking lonely and a couple internet friends have said they care n love me n i love them but it doesnt help bc every single#irl i had isnnow just gone i guess. i find it incredibly difficult to talk to ppl only online and like i have no life irl anymore.#nothing. no one. and then i just feel so guilty bc i know there are people that care i lnow mike cares but he's so far away from me#and i just want my friends to think im pretty again i just want someone to tell me they want to kiss me i want someone to kiss me i want a#compliment just anything i feel so alone and im not used to this at all at least when i didnt have friends i could at least still get sex bc#im fucking easy or whatever and now i do everything i can and i get nothing i genuinely just cant do this
4 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
Perditus grunted a little as he adjusted his leg while laying down against the rock. It was a pleasant day, all things considered: the sun was warm without being smoldering, the winds were strong but not as harsh as usual, and he had something to make the pain a little more bearable.
With his eyes shut he fished a flint lighter and a medicinal sghitt out of the pouch under his thigh armor.
He didn't bother looking as he heard footsteps approach quickly; medication stuck between his teeth, he clicked lazily until he caught the telltale crackle of papery tissue catching fire, took the longest, deepest inhale he could, soaking in the acrid taste and familiar burn in the back of his head, and let an enormous cloud of septic-smelling smoke blow out of his mouth with a growling sigh.
His fellow debtor sat beside him nervously, scanning the horizon.
"Any news?" he asked.
"I was going to ask you," the Glatorian replied.
"None, then."
"None."
Hard nails tapped far too quickly against the rock.
Perditus took another drag. The numbing effect was starting to take hold of his anguishing limb.
"Do you think it'll be soon?" Atakus asked.
The Tapyri exhaled: "Maybe."
"Yes or no?"
"Maybe, I said."
"Maybe means nothing," the other said, glaring at him with his typical nervous anger, the fact that the larger being still wasn't looking at him inconsequential: "Will it be soon, yes or no?"
A shrug: "Probably, yes."
"You think?"
"Unless he wants to observe these freaks of nature do their merry little dance in a new environment for a while. But I'll bet a guy like him has already watched them long enough to get bored by now."
Another pause.
The hard nails were now scratching at the stone.
Another long drag and a puff of smoke.
"Do you think he'll kill us before or after the plan's done?"
"Who knows," Perditus answered lazily. He reclined his head to better bask in the sun. "Before would be a little annoying. For us, of course, he wouldn't care if we never saw what all this thankless work has been for. But then again we're his cannon fodder - maybe he'll wait till he has no need even for that."
He played with his sghitt, turning it between his fingers.
The knowledge that his eventual instantaneous murder would be inevitable had slowly but surely numbed him to the very same fact across the span of the many, interminable centuries that had passed since the day he'd started wracking up this blasted debt, and his only request (which he knew would never be taken into consideration) was to be allowed to die slowly, painfully, so that he could at least feel the life leave his body properly; but Atakus had never managed to make peace with the horror of their shared fate, and now that the moment was drawing near he was every day a little closer to losing his mind completely to the horror of his situation.
Frankly he was surprised the Potori had lived this long, with as anxious a disposition as he had. He'd always imagined he'd get out of his shackles with a stroke.
And yet here they both were.
Awaiting the second coming of a cruel god.
And while entire species were about to be massacred into heaps of melting, wailing scraps any second or day or month now, they were sitting against a rock under a pleasantly warm sun bathing in its light.
He could hear the Agori's irregular breath become louder.
"How's your leg?" Atakus asked in a fruitless attempt at changing the course of his spiraling thoughts.
"Hurts as usual." Perditus replied. "How's your heart?"
"Beating too fast," the Potori answered, "As usual."
The Glatorian's hand leaned over to the smaller being, offering the sghitt between his index and middle: "Take as many as you need."
The medicine was taken from his fingers by significantly shakier ones. He listened to the air slither with a long hiss into Atakus's lungs for the first time; the second was a little longer, a little less frantic, followed by a loud sigh; the third time was slow and deliberate, finally a little more at ease.
He listened to the sound of Skrall armor scraping against stone as the Agori laid back against the warm rock with him. A smaller hand placed the medication back in his palm, and he hummed gratefully before taking another drag himself.
The wind picked up slightly and dragged the smoke away from them.
He opened his eyes blearily, squinting in the sun.
Such a nice day.
Something far, far away, up in the clear sky, exploded. He saw the burst, a blot of bright hot color tearing apart the stratosphere, and long lines of white and faint red as pieces of whatever that was tried to land on Spherus Magna; but the destroyed body was barely above the size of a dot from where he was, and its meteors shriveled up into dust before coming anywhere close to the highest point available for them to strike, and in the end nothing of whatever tragedy had just transpired mattered at all.
The Glatorian hummed.
"Did something happen?" Atakus asked, eyes closed.
"No," his companion reassured him. "Relax."
The Potori did not respond, and got a little more comfortable.
Perditus glanced at him.
Maybe it made sense - he mused for a second, a second only - for Velika, of all cruel, paradoxical beings, to one day have complete and total control over this cruel, paradoxical world.
#bionicle#perditus#atakus#random writing#smoking tw#implied drug use#its essentially painkillers in the form of like a joint but im putting it there just in case yall want it#based on my hc of perditus having a fucked up leg prosthesis that hurts like hell so he needs medicine to have some time without pain#anyways ENJOY YOUR ALLEGIANCE W/ VELIKA!! YOU ARE NOW ENTITLED TO: lifelong debt; nihilism; the assurance that your boss WILL kill you#i dont necessarily care for atakus nor perditus but i like to look into characters' brains and their role as velika's allies is interesting#to me neither of them are properly 'loyal' bc that would imply they respect velika. which they fuckin Do Not#they are terrified of him and he has them in a chokehold bc he can kill them by looking at them slightly to the left if he so decides#but neither side has any respect for the other. theyre useful toys to velika and hes a volatile dangerous and powerful asshole to them#atakus n perditus are not necessarily friends?? either?? but theyre the only bitches on bara magna in this situation so theyre like My Man#just two guys enslaved by a sort of divine entity waiting to be fucked over by said entity. better than bein alone in this ig
6 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
"reblog for something lgbt to happen to you" at this point i'd be grateful if something straight happened to me
#bluebird.txt#i'd love to stop feeling like an unlikeable freak!!!#i get it i'm gay i look at least like a lesbian and at queerest as Some Thing I'm Not Sure How to Gender#but like. damn bro!#not even anyone? at all?#first of all i get no attention from girls and there's barely any thems (and im friends with most of the thems)#secondly not that i want the attention of cishet men but as i said before i'll take fucking anything to feel something#the most i get from cishet men has been laughing when i run because im late to class or a concert#like okay wow you find someone just running funny? i pity your entire brain#i think im just bored#its not like i understand romantic stuff any more really#i understand it on a logical level i think#but tell me why when i find a girl i have a huge crush on the SECOND i just need out platonically with someone else#the girl evaporates from my brain#and when i make the attempt to put myself out there and be like hey wanna go on a date?#all will to actually go on the date also evaporates?#she hasn't answered and that's an answer so im like alright even if you texted me late i actually do not care if i never see you again#not in a malicious way!!! just in a very bland you have not made a meaningful impact on my life way even though you seem cool!#which doesn't sound much better but trust me i mean these factually objectively not personally meanly#i have other friends mostly cis friends who have gotten guys after them and as much as like most of those guys are at best#a little annoying and at worst sort of creeps#like. THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED TO ME EITHER!!!#when i walk alone on campus esp when it's dark i do worry about assault and rape and stuff#but that's just the statistics and stuff#i know i'm not immune but in a weird way not being liked by anyone at all gives me reassurance that well#at least i'll probably never be assaulted at least not any time soon bc no one's ever looked at this (me) and had any kinds of#attracted thoughts#though that's definitely a false sense of security#after all someone could decide they hate transgenders and gender ambiguous people and assault me of course that could always happen!#i don't think it's likely to but. you never know!
2 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
#brain is being weird again. i miss the person i thought you were before i found out how truly truly horrible you are#but that person doesnāt exist! i never met them because they arenāt real!#i just wanna meet my person yk. like yeah i donāt want to be in a relationship bc that sounds exhausting but also#it wouldnāt be exhausting if it was my person. i wanna know someone. i wanna learn how someone works.#i wanna take care of someone and be taken care of without asking.#and like the thing is is i definitely have my people in my friends like i already have them in this way#and i appreciate that so so much which is why i wonāt settle for anything less ever again and why iām no longer actively seeking something#but i really do just miss clicking that well with someone right off the bat. and i know most of it was probably 1) me being lied to and 2)#me trying to make myself palatable for him#but i havenāt felt that truly blatantly appreciated in a long time#i just wish that fate would work a little faster at putting my person into my lap is all#iām not even gonna say that it doesnāt have to be The Person iāll end up with and can just be One Of the people along the way#because now that feels like settling and if the universe doesnāt want me to settle then i wonāt#and iām not trying to be impatient because i know that itāll happen when itās supposed to and i canāt force anything#i just want it to happen so badly. i want to have my cute love story. i want to have it last longer than a week. in a good way this time.#and i know i vent a lot about this in my tags but this time feels different#i just want what is supposed to happen to happen. and i want to feel comforted knowing that it will.#i just need a sign that itās gonna happen someday so i donāt lose my mind waiting for it#that iām in the right place. and iām right where iām supposed to be#idk. i just know i donāt deserve to feel alone anymore. especially when i know iām not.#this feels like a prayer. maybe it is. whatever.#mari is irrelevant
2 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
winter 2k24, huh~~~~~~ _(:3 ćā )_
#aaaaaa itās coming out just a few days before the major compilation album huhā¦ā¦#amz.jp preorders have already started huhā¦ man.#im gonna wait till the inevitable ani.mate preorders startā¦ i want the (inevitable) bonus comic aaaaaaaaaaa#i hope the bonus will be relatively(?) wholesomeā¦ unlike whatās probably in the actual manga u m.#i wonder if there will be another delay between the physical release and the digital release thoughā¦#anyways place your bets what do you think the cover of vol 2 will look like?#im guessing itād be a redraw of one of the other chorus stills from the mv#maybe the one where sheās putting on makeup? since the flashback arcās in this volume and all?#or maybe the āserves you right lolā from the chorus with her fists by her chin?#(the second guess is āmainly bc i think the series is gonna be 3 vols long and so one chorus still for each vol cover checks out right~?)#highly unlikely though lmaoooo since there are tons of good stills to pick fromā¦ sheās too cute#bc idk i really dont see the series dragging out for longer than 3 vols. esp since the flashback arc is already here#like. the protagās flashback arcs usually appear some time around the climax of the story right?#so with the flashback in vol 2 that leaves enough time for a proper resolution in vol 3.#hereās to hoping that the chizuchan manga is able to have a better ending that whatever nonsense we got from the [redacted] anime lmao#i d k i just want to see chizuchan vibing with her friends and some resolution with renren and concon in vol 3 is that too much to askā#then again this is the same manga that had the events of ch 4 and the first 2/3 of ch 5 take place#so thereās really no telling whatāll happen nextā¦#in any case!!!!!! iām terrified for ch 6 region lock release at the end of the month!!!!!#butā¦ 160 pages longā¦ hmmmmmm. does that mean that ch 8 (at least) will be short? ch 5 alone takes up a little over 1/4 of the pagesā¦#and ch 6 was released in 4 parts on li.ne manga (like ch5)ā¦ so thatās prolly a long one tooā¦#at this rate i think vol 2ās gonna come out before ch 7ās individual releaseā¦ butā¦ aaa.#i think i have the chizuchan mangaās on the brain a little too much for my own good. i should start charging it rent up there#a n y w a y s kimikawaii mv surpassed lxlās hallokiss mv in views yayyyyyyyyy keep it up nagisakun down with lxl!!!!!!#aight thatās all from me for now. i think. i hope. yup. byeeeee#chizuutan chizpost
2 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
there is somethng a bit sad about how often my parents will like.e positively talk about how much they "protected their peace". like my dad does not have a single irl friend he hangs out with. my mom has like. one maybe two friends and one of them she sees only Sometimes (became friends with her bc their sons are friends, wouldnt have become friends w her w/o that) and her other friend she sees. every other few years. like ummm ... i dont think you protected your peace i think you are alone now ...
#ow.txt#one thing i have to CONSTANTLY constantly constantly remind myself of is the fact that i NEED to hold onto my friends#i need to keep contact and talk with them and communicate and BE THERE. or im gonna be alone and have no one yknow ? (and subsequently be#like my parents. which. yknow.)#i think my parents would genuinely be healed if they had good solid friendships and didnt solely rely on us as a family for human connectio#so like. idk. i dont wanna end up like them i want to have friends that i talk with and that i see irl#that im able to hug and tell them i love them and be there for them and have them be there for me#yknow ? ! ? !#idk i just. idk. like i get it bc my social battery gets crushed to bits and pieces sometimes and i need a long time to recover#but i NEED people i NEED to have FRIENDS in my life. gary i need genuine meaningful connections with people#idk my brains bouncing from thought to thought rn. treating my blog like a diary. hi guys
3 notes
Ā·
View notes
Text
it's all fun and games typing up a silly, rickety little au idea in the tags of someone else's post and then suddenly you find yourself expanding on the world-building and plotting out interconnected stories for characters you swore would only make background appearances and your brain is On Fire with the need to write even when you know you can't commit to yet another doomed wip
#the terror#this is 100% about the fucking hartving tech!averse jirv/librarian!hartnell au from yesterday bc IT WON'T LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE#thinking about a ficlet detailing how bridlgar met#peggles is a delivery driver who does the rounds dropping off the library's stationary orders and john's the one in charge of receiving#and they strike up a friendship over terrible stationary puns and eventually start dating when john introduces harry to classic lit#thinking even more about a joplittle sequel where after ned shows up soaking wet the first time and is immediately smitten#by thomas āJust Being A Decent Personā jopson; he starts volunteering at the library just so he can get closer to jops#(like the loser he is; bc why ask someone out directly when you can just hang around in their orbit and hope they notice you noticing them)#but the more time he spends at the library the more he comes to love it; and ends up volunteering to read to children on his free weekends#(my tumblr homies know exactly where i'm headed with this bc i am so transparent my mom might as well have called me āwindowā)#and jops; despite his better instincts; gets so turned on after hearing ned do voice impressions for fictional crayons while reading to#a bunch of enraptured rugrats that he decides then and there he absolutely can't NOT fuck ned senseless the second he gets his hands on him#meanwhile for the main fic; jirv and tartnell are both absolutely disgustingly in love but are also completely clueless#as to how to go about expressing interest in each other bc while i imagine jirv not being as repressed in this as he normally is in fanon;#he still hasn't actually figured out he's Big Time Gayā¢ yet and#tartnell on the other hand is both extremely attracted to and intimidated by the handsome; aloof yet kind; bible-quoting scotsman#who's decided to adopt him as his personal apple support technician#despite the fact that tartnell knows little more about iphones than jirv (seeing as he's been using android since smartphones took off)#god i'm in so deep about this stupid little au i've dreamed up that i just want to yell about it for hours on end#and despite knowing i'll likely NEVER get around to writing it; it is just... taking up Brain Space... that i already Do Not Have
5 notes
Ā·
View notes