#and assembling furniture

[cass-cc]

Girl help I want to do woodworking again

[whotfelsewantedtobelynnyx]

Of all the theories as to how Carmilla and her daughters found eachother in Hell (adoption, reuniting after they died, one or all three being Hellborn, ect;), I think my personal favorite is the one where Carmilla was either pregnant when she died or later gave birth to a child she miscarried when she was alive.

But whether or not that’s true, one of my favorite crack theories/headcanons about Carmilla being pregnant in Hell is how absolutely weird the other Overlords would be about it- because let’s be real, they would absolutely be weird about it. Maybe supportive and weird, but weird.

Zestial, nervously following Carmilla around: My darling. My own heart. I beg of thou, please, for just a moment.

Carmilla, still stubbornly walking around in her ridiculously sharp shoes: I’M FINE.

Zestial, who’s been trying to get her to sit down or at least change her shoes for over an hour: 0,_0

Rosie, crouched at her side with a glass of something red and questionable: I’m telling you, honey, just try this. It’ll cure that morning sickness in a jiffy.

Carmilla, curled up on her bathroom floor: …it disturbs me that I’m nauseous enough to actually be considering this.

Zestial comes to her rescue and shoos Rosie out to go make her some (GINGER) tea before Carmilla can do something she’ll regret.

Alastor, gazing suspiciously: Why on earth is your abdomen moving like that? Is something trying to break out?

Carmilla, too exhausted to deal with this: That movement is my baby kicking, Alastor.

Alastor: Pardon? You mean to tell me that one can see that on the outside? Eugh.

Carmilla, glaring at him: You are so lucky you’re not worth getting up for.

- Rosie insists on throwing her a baby shower. Vox and Alastor get kicked out for fighting and are forced to put together the IKEA furniture for the nursery as punishment.

- I seriously doubt this lot can build and work an ultrasound machine, so something like this is likely.

Carmilla, slowly coming to after giving birth: Mmmh…?

Rosie, happily bouncing one baby in her arms: Oh good, she’s up! Congratulations, sweetie. You have two beautiful daughters 🥰

Carmilla: ….

Zestial, who’s gently cradling the other: Carmilla…? Is something the matter?

Carmilla: …there’s really two of them. I thought I was hallucinating.

BONUS:

Fun fact- some scientists say cats have sensitive enough hearing that they can hear babies’ heartbeats within their mother’s bodies.

Husk, staring at Carmilla:

Carmilla, who’s still processing that she’s pregnant and hasn’t begun telling anyone else: …is something wrong?

Husk, ears bristling slightly: h o w m a n y h e a r t s d o y o u h a v e ?

[firawren]

My recent find of the delightful @can-they-assemble-ikea-furniture blog inspired me to make another Jane Austen crack poll.

Reblog and share in the tags which piece they're assembling, and if they get the meatballs, hotdog, or soft serve before they leave the store.

Edit: I made a poll for who is the worst at it too.

[2dieavirgin]

happy pride month

[bunnymothmartyr]

"dont put shit on the floor" does the rent we pay every month not include the floor too, mother? When god sings with his creations, will the floor not be a part of the choir?

[kirby-the-gorb]

[rita-repulsa-ke]

on assembling furniture

Lilia already knows how bad of a job she’s going to do before she puts in the first screw.

Jen pays someone else to do it, then posts to social media to talk about how she did it all by herself #modernwoman

Alice follows the instructions perfectly, but it still comes out wobbly.

Wanda’s furniture is as real as everything else in her life.

Billy laughs at his father’s joke about the last time the family tried to build something together and wishes he remembered.

Tommy gets impatient halfway through and goes too fast, then has to backtrack and start again.

Natasha reads the instructions twice, then assembles it perfectly and in record time without ever referring to them again.

Agatha gets frustrated five minutes into the process and spends two weeks inventing a school of magic specifically to assemble furniture.

Rio wants to live in a world where she gets to put together furniture with Agatha.

So does Nicky.

masterpost or click this link to go to a random post on this blog, which will probably be a fic of some kind

[mrscakeishere]

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Beta Reviews!

“I just passed the sausages!”

“Omg it really was chipboard!”

“I can't believe you. I just can't.”

Polycakes (me and Polychrome, aka @polychromicron-persei-8) here, proudly hurling the first fanfic grenade in the @goodomensafterdark Smut War with The Long Road To Meatballs (rated Explicit, 4786 words).

Summary and excerpt below!

NSFW CW: light BDSM, butt plugs, oral sex, penis inflation (not in excerpt but on AO3)

The Long Road to Meatballs

After an unfortunate miscommunication regarding the lack of spice in their lives, Aziraphale and Crowley seek out IKEA’s new intimate playroom products for the South Downs cottage. When their purchase—and all 279+ parts—proves too difficult to assemble, Aziraphale and Crowley take matters into their own hands (literally). It's the IKEA comedy smut you never knew you wanted but can't live without.

IKEA had evolved a great deal over the decades, as had Crowley and Aziraphale’s relationship. The Swedish furniture and furnishings company—in a debatably misguided and belated attempt to be a part of the sex-positivity movement—had developed designs for one’s personal intimate playroom, including the TRÄLDOM, BOTÖVNING, and FLATHET series. In addition, the Swedish designers had managed to produce products for each line that incorporated a not insignificant amount of chipboard.[1] This was quite a feat considering that most of the products listed should have been predominantly made of metal, leather, silicone, latex, or fur.[2]

As for Crowley and Aziraphale’s relationship, it had evolved out of a 6000-year drama defined by mutual pining and pegged in by supernatural bureaucracy, into a satisfying pairing filled with safety, stability, and sex. Lovemaking had been glorious and intoxicating, and while it rarely verged into territory that could be considered truly “hedonistic,” both parties were quietly content in their newfound domesticity. But as we both know, dear reader, few things last forever.

And so it was on a mild Tuesday afternoon in the South Downs when an unfortunate exchange concerning Crowley’s cooking planted a seed of doubt in the demon's mind as to whether his angel was truly sexually satisfied.

[1] Note for Americans and other aliens: chipboard is the British term for particle board or low-density fibreboard. Regardless of the term, it is an unsuitable material for any type of sexual activity as it has the ability to absorb moisture like a sponge.

[2] This had led to IKEA ending up in litigation for five years over several regrettable incidents that had occurred with their compressed wooden dildo.

Continue reading on AO3 for Crowley and Aziraphale miscommunications, sex swing assembly complications, witty banter, dowels, sausage jokes, and some first-time sexual experiments: https://archiveofourown.org/works/52376542

Image by Polychrome.

[seeds-of-life-daily]

In my world, post-canon for 3.0+1.0 is this

Day 51 I headcanon they go to department stores

[yardsards]

my patient's wife was so apologetic and thankful when i offered to put together some flat-pack furniture for her. don't be sorry buddy. this is big legos to me. this is Enrichment. im playinge with my tuoys.

[levemetal]

Star of Solitude

I am back again with another mediocre watercolor, this time my favourite sopping wet beast, Hua Cheng. This time we learnt that the Schmincke masking pen is the best and least offensive to my poor poor paper (or at least this one, Arches to be tested)

[desolationofstephen]

Art by Cheppoly

[that-howling-sky-kid]

Assembly: Season of IKEA

Nesting: SKYKEA

[savorypink]

since we're all into the pregnant bling idea, i can't stop imagining bling with high libido wanting to fuck and al being like "but love, i don't wanna hurt the baby 😔"

is it too much to ask for a blurb? 🥺

you sway gently back and forth in the wooden rocking chair of your soon-to-be nursery, humming a lullaby to yourself. alex had painted the walls an adorable baby pink, a project you begged him to be a part of, but he insisted that you rest, though he did allow you to add the flower decals to the wall. a monkey could do that; you wish you could help with the heavy lifting. you watch as alex sits on the floor, his head flickering between the instruction manual and pieces of what will be your baby’s crib, mumbling expletives to himself.

you’d hate to rip away his focus, but he shouldn’t look this good right now. you know your husband is hot, but your hormones work hard to remind you tenfold. watching his strong arms flex as he screws a bolt into place makes you feel like a horny teenager, a hot wetness slithering in your panties. you massage your round belly as you ponder; maybe he could use a break.

“you can finish it tomorrow, al. c’mon, i wanna cuddle.”

he doesn’t look away from the manual, “it’s fine, love. i’ll be with you in a minute. promise.”

you’re glad he can’t see you roll your eyes. cuddling was a no; you’ll have to come on a little stronger.

“i want attention.”

alex sets down the screwdriver, finally turning to you and awaiting your subsequent demand, almost like a puppy. you want to give him head pats.

“c’mere,” you put on your best pouty face, holding your hand out to him.

he stands up and walks towards you, taking your hand tenderly, angling it so the diamond of your ring sparkles under the soft light of the nursery.

“i want you, al.”

alex kisses your hand, his facial hair tickling your knuckles, “i can’t. i don’t wanna hurt the baby, bling.”

he sounds as if he just let you down, your heart both melting and breaking. his carefulness with you and the baby is adorable, but you’re not as fragile as he thinks you are. you wouldn’t be asking for him if you didn’t know the risks. he fiddles with the ring on your finger, unable to look you in the eye.

“it won’t hurt her,” you chuckle. “i looked it up. she’ll be fine. promise.”

alex still doesn’t budge, afraid to tell you no again. before your heart crumbles completely, your brain hatches an idea.

“could you just…kiss it?”

any touch will do, as long as it’s from him, but something as small as a kiss could get him comfortable with pleasing your new body. alex looks confused momentarily, then kisses your ring finger before sinking to his knees.

“whatever you want.”

you pull up your nightgown, exposing the wet spot in your panties. he pulls them off you slowly, gently lifting your ankle to take you out of the lacy material, leaving it on the plush rug underneath you. when alex leans in, you feel the warm air from his nostrils against your core. you clench at the contact, another wave of wetness soaking your core. he presses a soft, small kiss on your clit, effectively sending delightful shockwaves through your core but leaving you needy.

“again.”

he does it again, this time letting his lips linger on the sensitive bud a little longer. you can still feel the warmth of his lips when he pulls away; it only makes you hungrier. you unhook the silk straps of your nightgown to allow your breasts to breathe, massaging your hard nipples with your fingertips.

“lick.”

alex grabs hold of both of your thighs before licking a long, wet stripe up your core. he does it again before you ask him, most likely catching on to your plan. he knows what to do, so he doesn’t stop, licking moist, drawn-out stripes along your core. you moan as you pinch your nipples, the bumps of his tongue working their wonders on you, bucking your hips for more contact. he applies more pressure whenever he makes his way up, your clit’s sensitivity becoming fragile, any touch capable of tipping you over the edge.

“i missed this,” he pauses between licks, a throaty groan leaving his lips. “almost forgot how good you tasted.”

you attempt to let out a laugh, only to moan again, his mouth now suckling at clit. your hips stutter between pulling away and going back for more, his needy mouth sucking at the bud relentlessly, the blocks of your orgasm beginning to tumble. your needy cunt clenches around nothing as you come, calling out his name as his mouth still moves, blissfully overwhelming.

“mm…no more, please.” you pant.

alex detaches his mouth from you, his lips shiny with your wetness. he licks away the excess slick on his lips, savoring every last drop of you on his tongue. he puts your panties in the pocket of his sweatpants, getting up to help you stand, holding out both of his hands for you. you rise slowly from the chair, pecking his lips once you’re stood up straight.

“dilf.”

alex leads you out of the nursery, his hand on the small of your back. “stop calling me that.”

[maranull]

hardworking lil man helping me with setting up the new aquarium stand

[fivefeetfangirl]

This is what I hear in my nightmares 💀