#and am continuing to experience bc I still don’t have power

[ghwosty]

This hoe better fuckin NOT

[kasdan]

𝐸𝑚𝑏𝑒𝑟’𝑠 𝐹𝑢𝑟𝑦 {𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝟥}

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a/n: i would like to give a fair warning that i have no idea how tf guns work and tried my best with explaining things the best i could so sorry if things aren’t accurate. i hope you enjoy<3

Summary: you’re finally free but then are taken by a strange man who tells you he’s here to help you.

Pairing: frank castle x reader

Warnings: kidnapping? depending on how you look at it, police bc they are a warning in themselves, blood, ptsd, angst, guns, frank being the baby girl he is

Word count: 3.5k

Chapter song: Hello Cold World by Paramore

I try to get as far away from the crumbling building as possible, but I find it harder than I initially expected. There are even more sirens out of the building, and something loud and spinning above me with a stream of bright light coming out of it.

I feel a cool sensation wash over me as the light comes closer to me, and it moves so fast that I don’t have time to even try to hide from it. I lift my hand over my eyes, attempting to cover them from the brightness. My heart pounds as the light stops right on top of me, my mind racing with possibilities. However, one of the possibilities my mind came up with did not include the light turning away from me and moving behind me.

I’m confused, thinking surely something would have happened when the light saw me. I don’t dwell on it any longer as I quickly make my way in the opposite direction of where the thing went.

I’m breathing heavily, my body greatly fatigued, but I force myself to continue, getting fully out of the facility, which is so close that I have to press on. The closer I get to what I believe to be the edge of the exit to the facility, the more lights I see flashing blue and red. I see a group of people next to the lights and rush behind a small building, where I’m able to pick up part of a conversation.

"We were told an experiment went wrong here, and the building started crumbling down on itself. What kind of an experiment does that shit?" I hear another person answer them, sounding bored.

"I don’t know, but why were we told to secure the permitter for an experiment gone wrong, and what up with the helicopter? Can’t believe I was woken up for this." My eyebrows crease in confusion. Did they not know that I was the experiment? If they’re here, why wouldn’t they be told?

I’m too busy in my head to notice the other voices coming closer to where I am, and it’s too late for me to try to do anything but to press myself up against the building and let out a small gasp.

They stop for a second and look right at me, and I stare back wide-eyed, heart pounding, and I wait for them to grab me, start to yell for the others, draw their weapons at me, anything, but nothing happens. They continue talking and walk right past me, like I’m not even there.

I watch their backs as they walk through the barricade and over to the other side. I’m confused again, as this is the second time tonight that I’ve been glanced over and completely ignored. I don’t understand why people are just walking past me like I’m not even there. Aren’t they supposed to be looking for me? Even if they didn’t know if they were looking for me, I would think finding a person here would raise some suspicion at least. 

I look down at my hands and notice a light purple glow radiating off of them. It’s the same kind of aura that I saw around myself in the building before it collapsed. I think back to the power that I was able to summon and wonder if that wasn’t the only thing I am able to do. I decide that I should just test the theory and hope that I am still able to produce the strange shield that I did before if it doesn’t work.

I try to steady myself as best I can before taking a deep breath and stepping out into the open. I can see lines of the flashing red and blue lights, causing me to squint to be able to see slightly. I can see groups of people standing around talking and wandering, all of them seeming to be in their own world.

I can see where the people are getting in and out, and I slowly make my way over to it. Soon I’m where the barricade opens from, and I hesitantly stand in front of it, wondering if anyone is going to notice me standing there. 

My question gets asked when someone goes up to open the door. I back up so I don’t get hit, and the person coming out walks in, immediately turning around to close the barricade back up behind them. I don’t have time to worry about being seen as I quickly rush to get through to the other side before I am closed in again.

I’m able to squeeze myself through the gap just in time before it’s closed off to me. I look back as the door shuts and the person who walked in turns to walk around the corner, disappearing from sight.

I look around at all the people around me, none of them taking a second glance at me. I look back down at my hands and can still see a faint purple glow, but it seems to be getting fainter. I have to get out of here before whatever power I’m harnessing wears off and people are able to see me again.

I don’t know where I’m going or what to do, so I aim to just go where my body takes me. I can feel my body starting to shut down as I walk, but I force myself to get further and harder to find.

It seems like I’ve been walking forever, but I know it can’t have been that long. I eventually see lights and buildings in the distance and hesitate to go further. There are likely a lot of people there for the number of buildings there are, and I think to turn a different way but stop myself. I figure anyone looking for me wouldn’t expect me to waltz into an area with a high amount of people, so I walk towards the buildings and lights.

I try to avoid the brightest places and maneuver my way through the shadows of the buildings. There don’t seem to be that many people here from what I can see, but I don’t let my guard down as I work my way through.

Not long after I start walking, I feel my legs start to collapse under me, and I brace myself against a building. I know I’m not going to be able to keep walking for much longer, so I try to find a spot for me to stop for a bit. I find a small area in between two buildings, and I stop there, practically collapsing on the ground against one of them.

I can barely feel my limbs as I brace myself against the wall, and now that I’m sitting, I can feel the full effects of the events that happened. I look down at my arm, and there’s dried blood that trickled halfway down it from where the creature scratched me. It doesn’t seem to be openly bleeding that much anymore, which I consider a plus. My shoulder aches, and I’m pretty sure I pulled it or did something to it while trying to reach for the gun while being pinned down. I look down at the gun I still hold and weakly make sure to snap the safety on before managing to put it in the waistband of my pants.

I breathe out and close my eyes, leaning my head back against the wall. I can feel my body shutting down, finally reacting to being tased multiple times and being slammed against a wall, and I can’t bring myself to stop from falling asleep. I have the image of Ellie as that creature in my head, with me shooting and killing her on repeat, and I vaguely remember the feeling of water trickling onto my skin before falling into complete unconsciousness.

I can feel my body shaking slightly as I let out a small groan and work to open my eyes. It seems to be a harder task than I thought; my body is still aching and not wanting to move.

I hear a strange, constant rumbling sound and lift my arm up as if to try and make it go away. However, instead of hitting a brick wall like I was expecting, my hand rubs against something cold and smooth. This causes me to open my eyes fully, and instead of seeing the buildings where I left myself, I see a ceiling with walls closing me in. There’s a blanket draped over me and a pillow under my head as confusion engulfs me.

Confusion soon turns to panic as my breathing picks up. They found me. They found me, and now I’m being brought back to be locked up. Or what if they’re not even going to lock me up anymore and are just planning to get rid of me? I’ve caused too much damage, and now they’re scared of me doing it again. But why am I not restrained? My body doesn’t wait to catch up with my brain before I’m jumping up, not expecting the ceiling to be that low and almost hitting my head on it as the blanket on me falls to a heap on the ground at my feet.

I’m not expecting the ground to be shaking and moving, and I lose my balance and crash back to the ground. I hear a faint "shit" from above me as I can feel myself being pushed slightly to the side before the movement stops completely. I hear a door slam and footsteps walking around to the door where I am, and I force myself back into a corner as far away from the door as I can get.

The door opens, and a blinding light streams through, causing me to whip my head to the side and bring my arm up to try and block it out. Every time I try to open my eyes, I can feel them burn before I have to shut them again. I’ve never seen this kind of light before, and I was forcing myself to try and get used to it so I could try and work to defend myself against this person.

Suddenly I hear the door shut, and my eyes shoot open to see that the person has entered along with me, holding his hands out in front of him. My breath hitches as he goes to take a step forward, and I try to push myself further into the corner.

"Hey, hey, I’m not gonna hurt you." He speaks in a soft tone, bending down on one knee without moving to get any closer to me. I look down to see the purple aura around my hands again, but it goes in and out like it’s trying to stick but can’t. I see the man look down at my hands, where I was analyzing, with a confused look on his face. Can he see the glow?

"Are you okay?" He asks, and I look up at him, his brown eyes staring into mine. He wears a slight smile, and it makes me feel an almost calming sensation, like I want to trust him. Wait what? No. Why would I even think about trusting this stranger who took me? He’s probably trying to lure me into trusting him so he can strike when I’m caught off guard.

I tense up as I think about it and prepare myself to get ready and fight my way out, even if I know my body probably won’t be able to handle it right now. I remember the gun and reach behind me to grab it, but I find it’s not there.

The person notices the movement and lets out a breathy sigh. "Yeah, sorry, couldn’t take any chances. I’ll give it back once I know you won’t try and shoot me." He lets out a small laugh and looks down, shaking his head. I don’t say anything, opting instead to put my hands in my lap and start fiddling with my fingers, a nervous habit I’ve picked up with my time in the lab.

The man lets out another small sigh and moves to open the door again. He stops when his hand is on the handle and turns his head to look back at me. "I promise I’ll tell you everything when we’re somewhere safe." He says this before turning back around to push open the door.

This time I’m expecting the bright light to stream through, and I’m able to keep my eyes open slightly, but I'm still not able to open them completely. I see him jump down slightly to get all the way out of the compartment, and with his back still towards me, I act fast. 

I get up as fast as I can, fighting through the wave of dizziness that I experience, and bolt out of where I was being kept. I push into the man, who stumbles to the side, caught off guard by the contact, and jump out. I try to keep my balance, but my legs still aren’t trustworthy enough to hold me up well, and I fall on my knees, feeling a sting on them. I don’t have time to think about it as I push myself up and start running in a random direction.

I hear the man curse behind me, and I don’t glance back as I push myself to run as fast as I can. I don't know where I’m going, and nothing looks familiar to me at all, and it looks like there doesn’t seem to be anyone else around. I try to push my way into the covered area to hide myself, but before I can get there, I feel an arm wrap around my chest, and my body falls back against another.

I try to pry the arm off of me so I can move, but it’s too strong, and I squirm to try to get free. "Please, I’m tryin’ to help you." I hear the voice of the man who took me behind me, and my mind is screaming at me to get free and run, but my body is exhausted, and instead it ends up slumping against him.

"Please." I manage to speak, and for some reason tears well up in my eyes again, but they don’t fall, making my eyesight blurry.

"You’re okay. You’re okay." I hear from behind me as I feel the man release his hold on my chest and bend down to bring an arm under my knees, lifting me up into him with his other arm supporting my back. My head is against his chest as my body falls limp in his arms. Any warnings in my head about this person disappear as he walks with me in his arms back to where we once were. My body felt like it was floating, and I wouldn’t be able to try to escape again even if I wanted to.

We get back to where we were, and the man hops up onto the ledge and places me back down on the pillow where I was before running. He grabs the blanket that was lying on the side in a ball and places it back on top of my body. He takes one last look at me as he jumps down again, and this time he is able to successfully close the doors back up behind him.

I hear another door open and close above me as the rumbling sound from before comes back, and my body is slightly shaking from it again. I try to close my eyes and relax again, but my mind is too alert, and so I end up staring at the wall as this stranger brings me to an unknown location.

After a while, the rumbling stops again, and I hear the stranger get out. I find enough strength to be able to push myself up and lean against the wall. I follow the sound of the footsteps coming around to the back, where I am, and hear a latch sound as the door is opened again.

The stranger stands there as he looks at me, and I continue to stay against the wall, not moving. C'mon, I got a room for us; no one should look for you here." He holds out his hand as a motion for me to take it, and I hesitate for a second before slowly moving over to take it. I have nothing left to lose anyway. He helps me down from the ledge, and my legs wobble unstably as he goes to hold me steady. Once I gain my balance, he looks at me before he reaches to grab the blanket that was used to cover me and wraps it around my shoulders. "Maybe just wrap yourself with this until we’re inside." 

I look down and just now notice that my clothes are stained red with blood almost completely, some of it being my own and most of it being from various other people. You can see rips in the clothing, leaving parts of my skin vulnerable to the air, and I do my best to wrap the blanket around me, trying to cover up the worst parts.

The stranger seems satisfied with this as he closes the door and latches it, leading me away. He walks close to me, and I do my best not to walk too slowly and annoy him. He doesn’t seem to be bothered by my pacing, though, as we walk down this hallway of sorts, passing by a variety of doors. As we’re about to pass another door, someone walks out of it, and I jump, the stranger grabbing my arm lightly to pull me next to him. The person coming out of the door doesn't even acknowledge us as they grunt and start walking down the way we came from.

The stranger's hand stays on my arm as we continue walking and eventually stop in front of a door. The stranger releases my arm as he reaches into his pocket to grab something and pulls out some sort of key before using it to unlock the door in front of us. 

The door opens, and he motions for me to enter as he puts the key back into his pocket. I slowly make my way into the room, surveying my surroundings. The room itself looks to be around twice the size of the cell that I’m used to, not including the door that looks to lead to another room. 

Instead of the pure white walls that my cell had, these are a little darker than that, with pictures hung up on some of them. I hear the stranger move around me and place a bag on one of the two things with pillows on them that took up most of the room in here. I hear him unzip the bag, and what I see inside is a range of different guns. I instinctively take a step back, and he looks over at me. He chuckles and shakes his head before saying, "Relax, darlin’ if I wanted you dead, you would be already."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" I quip as I watch him take out a pile of clothes from the bag. 

"Who said I was tryin’ to?" He asks as he holds out the clothing that he took from the bag out to me. It’s astonishing how different he seems from when he was seemingly trying to comfort me before to now. Does he have some kind of ulterior motive? If he does, I should try to figure out what it is, right? And if I’m actually safe here, like he said I would be, it seems I was in my thoughts for too long as I heard him whistle and wave his unoccupied hand in front of my face.

"S-sorry." I barely get it out in a whisper as I grab the clothes being handed to me. I can see his face visibly soften at this as he shakes his head.

"Don’t worry bout it." He speaks in a dismissive tone before motioning to the door to the other room. "You can shower and change into these. They’re all I got at the moment till I can get you some in your size." I look down at the clothes and realize that it looks like he’s given me some of his clothes to change into. "I’m gonna head out and get some food for us; I should be back before you finish showering; the place is just next door." 

I stand there as he moves to go towards the door before remembering something. He pulls a gun out of his waistband and hands it over to me. I recognize it as the gun that I stole from the guard and move to take it from him. I move the clothes in my hand under my arm and grab the gun from him. I pull the slide back to check to see if there’s ammo in it, and when I’m satisfied with what I see, I snap it back shut, locking it in place. I look up to see the man amusingly looking at me. “Just in case.” He says as he nods his head towards the gun he gave back to me. After this he turns to open the door.

"I’m Frank, by the way." He mentions before turning back and leaving out the door, closing it as I hear the lock move into place.

@sleeperthelazy @hathay @lunaticgurly @casa-boiardi

buy me a coffee ♡

[ottoslab]

not to be extremely predictable abt the characters i ask abt but do you imagine any of the p7 are still around during or right before the future au? i know they are. Old. but i always am fond of the concept of like the old folks helping out at the camp after pn2.

Im always so very tossed up about how and If the p7 are still around during the aac timeline . But for the sake of “it would be funny if,” I will simply say they Are. (And ramble more about the thoughts ive had about a couple that might Not be and Why under a cut bc its kind of depressing)

Otto will never die and will never leave the Motherlobe much to Hollis and Truman’s dismay. The older he gets the more powerful he gets. He continues to contribute, arguably with increasing efficiency, but as each year passes he gets less and less concerned about getting caught doing things outside of the parameters of Psychonauts rules. “What are you gonna do? Fire me? Lmao” *goes back to working on his death beam that he just made because it was funny.*

I have this hc that at some point Sam makes it her mission to renovate the Lumberstack Diner as the Questionable Area? becomes more profitable over the years. And i think Compton working as a cook there would be a nice little job for him to have while in retirement. Cooking is like the one type of stress he can handle i think. Hes so so scared but in the comfort of something familiar so its less likely to cause him to start blowing things up.

Bob and Helmut deserve a nice little retirement home and I think theyre the primary residents of the Gulch (next to maybe Cassie and Compton?) They supervise (re: sometimes run into and chat with) Raz and his team who have basically taken up their own residence in the Gulch. Perks of being teammates with agent Aquato and Zanotto is that you dont have to resort to dormitories.

I’m not sure what’s up with Cassie! I don’t think she’s doing much either, probably also sticking around the Gulch. Though i think through the support of the others she at least gets Slightly more involved with the Psychonauts or going out into towns to do book signings so that she doesn’t become a complete and total recluse again.

I think Ford and Lucy are out traveling a lot while they’ve still got the time to. Making up for a whole lotta lost time n all that, giving each other time to talk and jazz. They’re not around a lot but they visit often!

Ok. And a very specific less sweet outcome for Ford and Lucy under the cut

When i run through which characters it would be like. Narratively “Best” to have passed away around the AAC timeline, my mind always immediately jumps to these two. Like obviously I think some characters would be more likely to have died before them (looking at you my friend Bob) or ones that could be more impactful in other directions (Cassie and Compton having to learn to exist without one another) but considering their last narrative experiences in Pn2 was finding each other again for the first time in years, it feels like any of those four (Bob, Helmut, Cassie, Compton) passing away would just be a disservice to prior storytelling. And Otto will never die, as I’ve said, so don’t even worry about him <3

I just think a lot about a story in which Ford and Lucy pass on before Raz can ever really reconcile any of his issues he had with either of them. A story in which he’s happy to see them getting along and traveling together, but every time they leave he holds his breath and counts down the days until they make it back and he can guarantee they’re still alive and he goes “This time, this time I’ll say something,” and then he doesn’t because how do you even bring up that conversation after all this time.

And then eventually they pass and it’s almost poetic, really, going at around the same time. But he never got to say anything to them, never got to reconcile and barely got a goodbye. And now he has to learn how to deal with that. How to deal with the fact that they’re still everywhere, in True Psychic Tales issues, on murals, on old pictures, inherently buried in the history of the psychonauts.

And i dont know. I think it’s an interesting story to explore. In a hypothetical real Psychonauts future story, you enter the story with some characters trying to question Raz about something theyre worried about that he always cuts off or dodges before you get to hear, but the lack of any mention of Ford or Lucy is so absent that it’s palpable. Stuff like that.

[saras-devotionals]

Quiet Time 3/9

What am I feeling today?

Sick and nostalgic. Driving back home today and I’m going to miss pittsburgh. I haven’t gotten better though, my throat is still killing me and I’ve been coughing too, still don’t know what it is bc all my tests came back negative. Also stressed about the rest of the semester, I’m not ready to go back bc I know it’s just gonna be so much more work and idk how I’ll keep up without some sort of divine intervention 😅

Bible Plan: Healing What’s Hidden

Strength in Weakness

Depending on the context of your painful experience, your instinct may be to push back against those offering help. But you can’t win the war against trauma on your own. The enemy is too strong and too clever. The only hope you have is to let humility lead you to healing. It seems contrary to reason, but strength is found in acknowledging our weaknesses.

I don’t think I push back against help. I can be wary of it sometimes, not always believing their intentions. But regardless I latch on to anything to help me (which can also be a problem bc I don’t take the time to discern).

Paul knew this well. He experienced all kinds of hardship and trauma. This dude was beaten, stoned, and shipwrecked, all while being on the most wanted lists of the Gentiles and the Jews at the same time! He was a tough guy. No one would challenge that. Yet he didn’t boast about his strength and fortitude but rather about his weakness.

This is the reasoning behind our perfect weakness ministry. And I appreciate all that they have done for me thus far. I feel I’m at a point right now where I want to decipher my emotions but I don’t want to put in all the work and effort. I can scratch the surface level but I’m having a hard time pushing myself to dig deeper, it just feels like there’s a roadblock inside me and I don’t know how to get past it or what’s beyond it.

Humility invites others to help us. Pride pushes them away. Humility permits God to enter into our pain. Pride says, “I can do it alone.” Humility listens to wise counsel. Pride rejects the advice of others. Humility leads to healing. Pride leads to destruction.

Okay so I actually wrote a lot about this but then my phone refreshed and I lost all of it🥲 basically I went on a whole rant between my own humility and pride and I noted that I can be prideful in some areas but I try my best to be humble before other people and God bc if my way doesn’t work, that’s for a reason beyond me.

The humility required to heal from trauma is a risks/rewards scenario. You have to be willing to put yourself in others’ hands—to entrust them with your story—in order to build the loving relationships and community you’ll need to heal. It’s not easy, and it’s the total opposite of what your brain may tell you to do, but you can’t skip this step. Openness and vulnerability are what your heart needs in order to heal.

again, this was deleted🥲 but even though it can be uncomfortable and at times painful to be open with other people it is absolutely necessary and something I’ve been doing with the people around me since I was a little kid bc that’s just how I’ve been, I like to talk through everything, it’s incredibly helpful and I yearn for it.

Proverbs 16:18 NIV

“Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.”

Pride can absolutely destroy us, thinking our way is better is not the right way to go. Therefore, let’s continually (daily) submit ourselves to God and His will because we are not our own Lord.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NIV

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

scripture from perfect weakness. This is really great because almost daily I feel weak. I feel that I have absolutely no strength at all and can’t possibly do a thing without His help because I know I can’t. I’m like the shell of a person a lot of time and I just, as cheesy as it sounds, need Jesus to take the wheel. But again, I need to blast in my weakness! I can own up to it! I know I am weak but the reason I’m still here is because God is not weak, He is the strength I rely on!

1 Peter 5:6-7 NIV

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

He cares for me🥹 idk about y’all but that really truly means so much to me. Even when I may feel that I have no one else in my corner I know that God got me and that’s so comforting. With all this anxiety I’m feeling, I’ll just give it to God. I know that He’ll pull through for me because He always does.

[perilegs]

i was supposed to continue ati's rerun earlier today but i ended up booting dao. and then getting distracted for several hours. but i'm so back now! does anyone want to read about 5 pages of notes i've made about her as i've been playing? idc about the answer, here they are <33

Origin:

Killed one of the humans as an example. She can be very distrustful of them near her clan.

Cocky, Brash, A bit rude, very sure of herself, kinda rude and a menace, loves her mom (Ashalle). 

Is protective of the clan but like, physically, not verbally. As in, she will eliminate physical threats or ruffle a kid’s hair for doing a good job or put in extra effort to ask someone how they’re doing and sitting with someone if they seem like they need it or whatever. She does care. But she’s not going to say how much she cares out loud. She prefers to show it in other ways. Ati would find herself flustered if she actually had to tell someone how much love she has. That’s embarrassing. She can eventually sometimes be a bit less emotionally stunted around those she trusts.

“When mommy elf and a daddy elf love each other very much…” upon asked how the dalish came to be

Cannot bear the thought that maybe there was something that she could have done to stop Tamlen’s fate. “Why are you looking at me like that. It’s not my fault.” Very defensive about it.

Don’t cast me away, please

“I don’t want to lose you too.” Did the keeper have to say that. Ati already felt guilty about Tamlen. It would be later when Ati realized the keeper was right, it wouldn’t benefit anyone if she just decided to die in her clan. The keeper seems to hold the Grey Wardens in high regard.

Dragged out of the clan, kicking and screaming. Not really, she gave some very teary “I don’t wanna go, please this is all i’ve ever known” goodbyes. It was highly uncharacteristic of the overconfident Atish’an. She was always very sure of herself and raring to go and explore the world, and so very inquisitive, loving to ask questions about anything and everything from the clanmates who did trading with human villages.

Ostagar:

The trip to Ostagar made Ati a bit numb bc she realized there’s really no fighting her fate. More worn out than angry by Ostagar. Clearly unhappy. Still hostile to most, since i guess hostility and overconfidence are the only two acceptable emotions to show to the outside world.

I am no friend of yours, human lord

Finds Alistair alright, maybe a bit annoying (she does not realize they’re both Like That)

Alistair is a major history buff, knows everything about blights, grey wardens, and old gods

Definitely respected Morrigan at first meeting, she could see she was not like most humans, she felt closer to chasind than other humans. Morrigan is a random woman living in the woods and we were the ones who stumbled upon her area. Her mother seems alright albeit a bit. strange…

Tower of Ishal: confused as to tfs going on, she was dragged out of her clan to hold a torch so obviously she’s pissed but something’s not right.. The action is a nice change of pace and helps Ati forget other things. 

Seeing something like the darkspawn orge is enough to change a woman. If the blight isn’t stopped and darkspawn roam Ferelden. What if one of those showed up to her clan? Atish’an doesn’t even dare to think about it. 

Hearing Morrigan tell her the battle was lost, Ati’s stomach dropped. She felt helpless, but she wouldn’t give up on her clan this easily. It would have been humiliating to return now, all of her crying and anger in vain. She can’t yet again be the reason even more of her clanmates lives are lost.

Definitely respects Flemeth for reasons unknown. Ati thinks she has a strange, powerful vibe to her.

Seeing Morrigan’s mother cast her away in such a manner made Atish’an feel a pang in her heart. Morrigan was like her, yearning to experience what it was like outside her home, but not wanting to leave when it came to it. Ati admired Morrigan’s strength in how she handled the matter. Ati decided she’d stick close to Morrigan. Never thought a human could be so similar to herself. 

Lothering:

“yea might as well” type of attitude towards helping people. ati finds it strangely rewarding

“Blood isn’t all that important” @ Bodahn :’)

Ati decided she might as well get to know her companions a bit at camp since she’s going to have to stick with them for a looong time if they want to get help in stopping the blight. And she doesn’t want to feel any lonelier than she already does.

Morrigan dare i ask of your own mother - “I love her. What else do you want to know?” Why did she say that. She might as well have just opened her chest to bare her heart to a complete stranger.

Alistair is helping Ati have her silly moments. She sympathises with Alistair a bit, and is showing him compassion.

Atish’an appreciates the conversations she has with Morrigan. Morrigan seems nice in her own way, and she often says things that force Ati to stop and think. In the long run, it’s helping Ati mature a bit and Morrigan break down her walls.

Redcliffe:

The silly pathetic endearing human she’s been travelling with, who is her senior warden yet leaves all the important decisions to Ati, is technically the heir to the throne. She finds this hilarious

Down bad for the bann. (Ati has licked her fair share of lampposts and then some).

Circle:

Jumping at any chance to defend the mages

Oh? Wynne’s here? She’s kind of annoying but DAMN what a healer. Atish’an is thinking that she would be useful to have around to fight the darkspawn. Baby’s first rational work thought :’)

Loghain sent a fucking assassin after them? Atish’an is terrified but god if being powerful enough to have an assassin sent after you is ego boosting. For some reason beyond her, she doesn’t think Zevran is lying about what he’s saying. It could be because he looks like home. It’s been a while since she’s seen other elves around, and his tattoos remind her of vallaslin. Not that they’re the vallaslin she would regognize.

bislut4bislut but like. completely different brands of it. ati does it for fun whereas zevran is trained to be like that

The way Zevran talks so openly about his past is throwing Ati off. How can he just reveal these things to her? (Does Ati notice how Zevran is undermining his own experiences trying to tell what the crows did was practical and that there were benefits? Does she notice how he feels when Ati tells him what he went through was awful? I am going to cry about Zevran’t approval changes right this second.) 

Hearing Zevran be so very homesick and talking of his home he cannot return to broke Ati’s heart. At least she could eventually go back home. But the chances of Zevran surviving Antiva are slim. It makes Ati sad. She finds Zevran finding comfort in the smell of leather endearing. (I have far more thoughts on Zevran but this is what Ati thinks ok)

Brecilian forest:

Ati can't help but feel relieved after being among her own people after spending so much time with human affairs

Seeing the members of her sister clan in pain pains her too, she's stopped a demon possessing a child, an entire onslaught of undead, and she managed to save a circle tower from abominations beyond what she could have imagined. Ati feels unstoppable. Everything she has done, has worked out so far. It does not help with her cockiness. "I am good at non-trivial tasks."

Seeing the hunters like this… It takes some effort for Ati to not let it show how much of an effect it has on her. She could almost cry

Ati is getting used to Wynne. Ati's missing her mommy disease makes it so that Wynne's presence can be a bit comforting. And she appreciates Wynne's snark.

Wynne with elves who are mistrustful of humans, especially humans in authority seems to be a theme.

Seeing Danyla was painful. Atish'an knows she must be killed to end her suffering. It doesn't make it any easier. It's something that won't leave Ati. She's seen her fair share of death and suffering but this was something she couldn’t have prepared for.

Sided with the elves and the werewolves. Ati thinks Zathrian's actions were originally justified, but the clan is suffering and. Well. The current werewolves, though they are humans, they aren't the evil heartless creatures that originally assaulted Zathrian's children. They were just people who happened to be born to those people.

Leliana gets on Ati's nerves a bit every so often. "They are serfs. There is no slavery in Orlais." But. Leliana actually listens to Atish'an when she challenges her beliefs. It's refreshing.

Oh… Leliana also has a dead bio mom who had a friend Leliana considers a mother figure.

Denerim:

Ati got Sten at 100% approval after questioning him about qunari children. Her inquisitive nature and snark are a hit.

Ati approves after Alistair defended her to Goldanna. She was about to go off but Alistair's firm response was enough to not make her lose her marbles.

Denerim market district is a lot to take in. Ati has never seen a city this big so full of life everywhere. It's a bit overwhelming

Ati heard there was some Howe leading a purge in the alienage. She would show him no mercy would they ever cross paths

Haven:

"Kadan" Atish'an does not know what the word means, but she can feel its weight. Kadan. She thinks she feels the same way about Sten. Sten said he trusted her with his life… Also Ati appreciates someone who will challenge her. 

Ash wraiths look insane. Ati WILL have nightmares of them for years to come.

Okay so. There's a cult leader who wants to defile a relic holy to andrastians. Atish'an will not do that, but Father Kolgrim and his disciples seem like tough opponents. It would be smart to agree to do what he asked of her, and betray him, but Ati doesn't believe this guy could beat her. She's slayed several drakes in the past few hours, what's one guy?

The guardian mentions Tamlen and Atish'an's stomach drops. How does he know? Ati wants to leave. She doesn't want to be here any longer. She could say that her answer is her own, but a yes slips from her mouth. I could have searched harder. Atish'an knows Tamlen is dead, but, she never saw the body. The thought of the possibility of him being in the cave all alone looking for help has never left her mind. What if she did something when he touched the mirror? Why did she answer? Zevran commented on Ati's "self-flagellation," maybe he had a point, but Ati would not think about what he said for a while longer. No one had any fun here. Everyone paused for a couple of moments before moving on into the next room

This place fucking sucks. They really had to bring the Tamlen from Ati's heart here, and make him talk to her in front of everyone. She's heartbroken. Tamlen too told her she should stop blaming herself. But Ati knows Tamlen would do the same in her shoes. Who is anyone to tell her how to grieve? This was cruel.

Okay. Having to kill herself has been the least miserable part of the journey so far

Having to take all your clothes off in front of everyone was a bit weird in this context. 

Normally, Ati would think that she shouldn't be the one touching a relic so sacred to others, but she's too done to care about anything right now. She just wants out.

Yeah sure tell pilgrims to come here, whatever.

Finally, back at camp. Atish'an had a horrible dream about the archdemon. As soon as she woke up from it, the camp was ambushed. Tamlen? It. It can't be. He has been lost to the taint. Ati is frozen, she doesn't know what to do. She knows this isn't the Tamlen she knows, but, there's still some of it inside of him

"I don't want to talk about it." Alistair was the only one who saw what happened up close. Further away in the camp, the rest of Ati's companions are joking about the darkspawn attack. No one knows what exactly she just witnessed. Good.

-> inevitable what changes about you after the Joining. Alistair's humor does make Ati feel a bit more grounded after all this, but it's a good thing that this time, Alistair answered the question without further prodding.

"That's when a warden knows his time has come." Oh.

What happened to Tamlen, will eventually happen to her too. This is what the taint does to a person

30 years… It sounds like a lot of time, but. The inevitability of death looms over.

Returning ash & Denerim sidequests:

Leliana tells Ati she feels herself slipping, there is a part of her that loves the hunting and killing. I personally rlly dont want to harden Leliana, but, Ati sees nothing wrong with this, she tells Leliana to not punish herself for doing something she enjoys. Bc obviously Ati wouldn't know what saying that does to Leliana.

I almost thought I should've picked that Leliana is a good person, because Atish'an and Leliana a 100% have always agreed on basic human rights. Like not letting Sten starve even though he's a murderer, and letting Jowan go. But it wouldn't have fit Ati. Bc as much as she believes in not torturing people and letting people who regret their actions redeem themselves, she does enjoy putting a stop to someone who has time and time again wronged others (=not showing any regret or willingness to change or showing active want in wanting to continue inhumane treatment of others), like Howe. Who she will murder in cold blood once she visits the Alienage. But, not starving murderers and letting mages go free is not a sign of a good person to Atish'an, it's a given. Self evident. It's the obvious choice. It's not something she even thinks about. Letting people be free is built into her. Anyone who actively stops people from having their basic needs (hunger, thirst, freedom, safety) will receive the same mercy they show to others.

Which is to say, Atish'an definitely has a strong sense of justice. But the other side of that blade is that she will just straight up murder someone. the rest of this point is something i wrote way earlier and i’m not a 1000% sure what i meant by it (is there a typo?) but it’s probably too important to delete -> Btw her protectiveness doesn't get in the way of her justice. You might be thinking "Didn't Ati kill one of the humans as an example?" Which, correct. But she did it to protect her clan and she didn't deny food or water or enprison or torture them in any other way. She just murdered someone because she thought it was a just action. Idk how to explain this in a way everyone will understand what i mean and not reduce my dear Atish'an to a very one dimensional character.

Flemeth is dead, Morrigan is free and happy. It's refreshing to see her worries lifted

Orzammar:

Atish'an has never seen anything quite like this. Being underground is, well, unnerving to say the least. But the structures are grand. Ati had always wondered what Orzammar would look like, but she never in a million years could have guessed she'd actually end up visiting.

Dagna's enthusiastic interest in the world outside of her reach seems familiar

Atish'an thinks everyone is entitled to their own religion and not one is better than another. But she will absolutely not help anyone "spread the chant."

[tarjapearce]

Babygirl, i got it

I just want to tell you if it’s ok I send the strawberry jam request to my friend who also writes(prob won’t write it cuz she’s busy) that was unimportant

I am the anon who wrote you the ask on Strawberry Jam.

And after eating all that up, I have to say. I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE READ SOMETHING SO DELICIOUS. This work was a high quality piece and I’m coming back for more.

So,

You know I’m gonna ask you for Continuation of this masterpiece.

So my mind is already jumping to the third part so I think, I’m just gonna tell you how the third part could go (I have severe adhd)

-year or two later-

Bros getting ready to marry her n eyeing her up n down, thinking whether he should break the promise he gave to her dad about not getting her pregnant n blah blah blah. Him inviting over her dad while she is wedding shopping and asking him for permission¿ Fr he would be so nervous and tense I’m not even kidding.

“Also, I might get her pregnant before the wedding” or “also, I think she’s pregnant, she has been very moody lately” fR he would be smug about it

(just pretend it’s something else/I’m not very smart as I’m writing this cause it 3 am and I have not slept yet, but it’s holidays)

She would find out that she’s pregnant and getting all happy n dovey, knowing it’s the consequences of them fucking raw everywhere in the house. ( fr he would have it as a bucket list, fuck on every stable surface n room in the house, he would also be so shameless about it, I love it)

He comes home, after getting ‘the talk’ from his future fil (father in law), sensing she has something to say, so with his shit-eating grin he says something along the lines of “ what you have for me, ma? Don’t get all shy on me, mami” I love him nicknaming me ma or mami, don’t even get me started on his accent and his talks in Spanish to me.

He would be so happy n exited for this new chapter of their life together the even tear would escape his eye, that she’s growing their little bean inside her.

For instance, he would kiss her all up with their make out sesh he would lay her on his chest, her listening to his heartbeat n getting sleepy telling him all about her day. FR he would just euphorically smile, knowing that he’s internally happy.

I feel like this would already be part four🫠

Them marrying each other and the dad and Miguel would be both crying, no the dad would be full on sobbing while walking her down the aisle. I assume that by the time he was marrying her she would be PREGNANT pregnant like on the bring of pushing the lil human out, but before all that, there would be the happiest moments of them together, for example them laying in bed early in the morning on weekend, he would be up bc fr he’s a morning bird, setting himself so his head would be next to her baby bump. He would talk to the baby fetus for HOURS to no end.

Or them together cooking, just things like that.

OHHH PART 2

so her putting her high level qualified degree to use, she gets a job at alchimax working alongside him, and slowly realising they they’re both unhappy. So they start their own company.( I do not have any experience) like the company would slowly turn into the most powerful corporation ever destroying everyone with its patented tech n ideas, bro they would be crazy rich but still be kind of humble? Their jobs be like their hobbies, and dad would be super proud of her.

Part five would be like them with their baby, and just loving tooth rotting fluff of Miguel being a father.

I am💯sure that Miguel would have lactation kink.

I did not reread it after me, for that I apologise, because I’m gonna go to sleep cuz it’s currently 4 am and I’ve been writing this for an hour. Also it’s incoherent, I will prob make it coherent soon. Also you absolutely feel no pressure writing it anytime soon, because I know it’s a lot and it’s kinda not making sense?and kinda cringe?

Anon...

I must ask you for advice cause that PLOTTING SKILL IS *Chef kiss* Wish I had that fr haha.

2. Im so... JSKGAHSHS ❤️❤️ You loved it.

3. OF COURSE I AM WRITING A PART 2 and probably make it a small fic 🤭. It is not cringe. I love smut, sure, but I also love me a good fluff and stuff.

4. Its totally fine, if they write it, I wanna read too! ❤️

5. I will upload as soon as I have cleared up some other requests and AU's for Miguel.

You seriously made my day. Any request do, actually, ❤️. Thank you so much for keeping me busy haha.

6.Rest well nonny ❤️✨.

[taiiunknown]

ALL THE RUMORS ARE

TRUE !⚠️🫢

RIRIxSHURI 🥺

Summary: Ever since RiRi and shuri got closer it have been none stop rumors about them.

Warning: none 🤷🏽‍♀️ just a lil inappropriate jokes around the end and a lil racist joke

I kinda thought of that song by Lizzo and cardi b with the title 😭

Disclaimer: I’m not a racist just had to make things a little realistic 💀

RIRI POV: Me and Shuri have been very close ever since the attack, When I went back to MIT I kinda felt guilty , All I can think about was that it was my fault that the war happened and that Queen ramonda death was on me No matter how many times shuri told me it wasn’t . A year pass and I decided to still be iron heart and Of course shuri continues to be the new Black panther, Later on as time passes shuri decided that she wanted to come to MIT with me so she can get the regular college experience even though she is literally the new queen of the most powerful nation. She has been keeping me company lately and even found away to be able to become my new roommate since me and my old one did not get along well, over the time me and shuri became closer it was like when you see her I’m not too far behind and when you see me she not far also.

Shuri POV: Ever since I came to MIT me and RiRi have been an unstoppable duo, she was constantly there for me and it was vice versa for her. Over the months I kinda started to have feelings for RiRi but I hid them well bc I didn’t want things to be awkward between us and plus I really don’t want to ruin our friendship.

I was in the cafe getting a muffin when RiRi texted me about this party

RiRi 🤍❤️: I heard one of these rich white kids are having a cool ass mansion party today and I was thinking about going , would you be my plus one there ?

Me: ya, for sure I don’t have anything else to do and plus I need more friends 😂

RiRi🤍❤️: Okay, Cool. You’re the best !

Me: what time should I be dressed ?

RiRi 🤍❤️: around 9:30, I’m tryna get there around 10:30 bc it be lit the most around that time 💀🤷🏽‍♀️

Me: Ok !

*2 HOURS LATER*

“Omg this look like something off euphoria for real 😧” RiRi said walking in the mansion with her mouth wide open “What is euphoria?” I asked confused as ever “God bless you” RiRi said palming her forehead “it’s not my fault I don’t know” I said “just come on let’s get a drink” RiRi said dragging me in .

RIRI POV:

“Jesus y’all don’t get enough each other?” My classmate Becky said walking towards us “Becky what are you talking about?” I said “YALL be giving couple goals, I’m tryna get like yall” Becky said shoving us kinda “Oh NO! We not together Becky” I said laughing a bit then looking at shuri who gave me this look that kinda gave me butterflies “Are you sure? Bc if not I can kinda take shuri off your hand a bit” Becky said biting her lip looking at shuri “no im sorry I don’t like bunnies, we barely even have them in Wakanda” Shuri said “we only have black ones not white one” Shuri continues. I just laughed a bit while walking away with a smirk on my face bc Becky mouth dropped to the ground as she stormed away, “ you are extremely mean yk ?” I said cheesing a little “Omg how dare you? I am the nicest” Shuri said while hold her left hand on her heart “I can’t believe everywhere we turn people think we a couple” I said looking at my cup “Well, I don’t blame them…” Shuri said “ ya you right.” I said now looking at her.

Shuri POV:

I really want to tell RiRi how I feel but I don’t know if this is the right time, Fuck it, ima just start off slow. “RiRi I have something to confess” I said “ what is it? Did you steal some of my pens again? Because I’ve been missing some” RiRi said side eyeing me “ yes and I dearly sorry for that” i said giggling at her surprise face “but that’s not what I wanted to talk about” I said smile slowly starting to turn into a worried face expression “go on..” RiRi said now making full eye contact with me “ I REALLY LIKE YOU, AND IVE BEEN LIKING YOU FOR SOME TIME AND ITS OK IF YOU DONG FEEL THE SAME WAY OR DONT WANT TO B FRIENDS ANYMORE!” I said rambling a bit “Oh ik …” RiRi said smiling hard “ yk ?” I said confused “ ya , Just like you’ve been watching me I have been keeping a eye on you, and trust me I feel the same way but I just wanted to see which one of us would break first” RiRi said with her hand now on top of mines “I’m flabbergasted” I said in a shock like state , RiRi just giggling while playing with my fingers “ so what are we then ?” I asked hesitantly “I don’t know,You tell me ?” RiRi said with a smirk “I want to be your girlfriend” I said boldly “then that’s what we are then” RiRi said “ I guess all the rumors was true then” I said laughing bc the been thinking me and RiRi had feeling for each other since I first got there.

*1 Year later*

*3rd person POV:

“BABE HURRY UP WE HAVE A TEST IN A HOUR AND YOU STILL NOT DRESSED FOR CLASS!” RiRi screamed from the bathroom

Shuri have been looking for a outfit for 20 minutes now .

“IM ALWAYS READY JUST GIVE ME A SEC!” Shuri yelled back “yk shuri , I kinda like you without clothes but sadly we have a test so I guess we are gonna have to wait a little longer to treat you” RiRi said walking out the bathroom putting her arm around shuri neck with a smirk on her face “For the love a bast, don’t think bc we got to be to class in 30 minutes don’t mean I won’t give you what you asking for.” Shuri said gripping RiRi waist “ ohhh okay I like this energy, but I was joking of course” RiRi said pulling away blushing “ohhh so you wanted to tease me, okay my naughty girl just wait till we get back to this dorm” Shuri said now walking out the door with her supplies in her hand “God I love her” RiRi said when shuri closed the room door “I love you more” shuri said peaking her head through the door with a smirk .

To the person who requested this I hope you enjoy it and also hope it reaches the expectations you was going for ❤️

[finallysafeawakepowerful]

Nothing is out of my reach. The second I want something, it is mine and I enjoy having it.

I am the power and I trust myself and know that as truth now.

I literally manifested everything I wanted and I trust and know I will always continue to do this for the rest of my life.

I have all I’ve ever wanted and it feels incredible and indescribable I can’t even put it into words all I can do is jump around with joy and awe and gratitude

I look around and can’t even believe my own eyes and feel the surge of gratitude and excitement coming from my heart and body over this.

I am so grateful. I am still in shock everyday even though this is my life now.

I trust myself and the world. I see my power now. I am so grateful to have received the truths and information and get to live this life with this power.

I see myself as the TOP ideal. I don’t see how I could ever attain any better or be any better. I see myself as that top tier woman and I am captivated by my own self.

I am blown away looking at my own perfection, my own pictures. I am so thankful to have my ideal look. I am perfect.

I am blown away within my minds eye experiencing my dream life all day everyday. There is nothing else to experience bc this is my actual life.

I am blown away at this level of love, happiness, simplicity, safety, beauty, opportunity I am experiencing.

Thank you.

[traggalicious]

OKAY i’m sick of reblogging the same post (also idk if that actually works well as a format) so here i am jus makin a new post! If any of y’all want more of Ceridwen I think posts with her are tagged as such (#ceridwen), or you can check out the tag #Traggy’s OCs. Should prolly make an intro post or smth but anyway.

(My darling Ceridwen <333)

Post Beginning RealTm Under the Cut:

Ceridwen is from an elven community known for being accepting of drow (and other) refugees, leading to a population with a good amount of mixed blood and an affinity for darker magic. This also led to this settlement being a fairly common target for vengeful drow, for a multitude of reasons. Lost servants, traitors, runaway sacrifices, or even just as a regular-ass target bc ‘aur naur, fuckin Elves and non-Lolth drow’, and all that.

But anywayyy this settlement ends up utilizing skills such as necromancy and all that, due to the fact that if they’re just gonna have people *sent* to them they might as well avail themselves of the resources, it won’t do just to let their bodies sit there. So those drow attackers become soldiers for the community, or labourers!! Those used in the community are stripped of flesh and all that to minimize spread of disease. The Lolth-sworn can have the bio-warfare but us? No thank uuuu.

Anyway this also leads to a sort of militia/standing army vibe w/ the citizens — all are trained in rudimentary medicine and combat before continuing in a specialized path of either. Ofc you can make the choice to specialize in necromancy but Ceri was like hey can i do. Everything. I’m kidding but she graduated the Medic shit (which is why she has the scars—those scars are a mark of a skilled medic, with a steady hand and eye for detail that allows for well-healed and cool-ass scarring) and then focused on necromancy bc MAN.

Reasons for the Necromancy specialization: One: she’s afraid of death. Not the process and shit, but of being dead, of what comes after. She’s terrified of the uncertainty of it, and of the very real philosophical and moral dilemmas that come w/ the existence of soul-based magic and deities that actively partake in regular life. Oh, and Lolth. She’s her own brand of fucked up. And TWO: She’s interested in biology, and anatomy n shit, and plus she wanted to do more than just healing. Don’t get her wrong, healing’s good and useful, but she’s got all this magical power that needs using and in a community where necromancers are kinda like… the necessary job nobody really likes, she’s goin for it. Like YAY, magic, science, don’t have to interact to much with people! Also she is very much interested in the tales the dead have to tell. Especially when those tales involve plans to harm the community.

Anyway that stuff aside, for a good while after graduating, Ceri apprentices under a Necromancer in the community, fucks around, finds out, experiences a couple semi-traumatizing events, and adopts a fucked-up animal? And then! Valinid shows up! Around then he’s still pretty young, fresh from escape. This is like, the tenth place he’s been to and gods does he hope the drow here mean safety and not hurt. He’s been run out of towns, actually attacked, and begrudgingly accepted after fending off attackers. But this place accepts him. Val joins the community as a general handy-man, training with the younger ones and teaching newer techniques, providing insight into current events in the Underdark.

Ceri finds him fascinating, from his looks to his past to just *him* as a person. It’s not like he’s some experiment, of course not. But he’s interesting, and she likes him, and he listens and entertains and matches her energy (which is pretty lowkey, generally). And on a deeper level, he gets her fear of death, of divine retribution, of being wrong and paying dearly for it. They grow together, eventually forming a QPR, bonding over desires to learn and grow outside of their environment of origin—though motivations beyond that vary.

This is where he grows into his Paladin ways, seeing what could’ve been and what could be, where he develops his moral code and establishes himself as a real actual Paladin, protecting the weak and all. And eventually, he goes on his first adventure, and Ceri of course tags along. He wants to protect and save and make amends. Ceridwen wants to expand her magical and medical repertoire, experiencing and observing new things for the sake of Knowing. Love her for that. On this kinda random and barely-planned ATLA style adventure, they meet new people, form a party of nerds, Val gets a boyfriend, Ceri loses an eye, lotsa shit happens.

Eventually, they come across the Shadow-Cursed Lands, but like. Before it’s Shadow-Cursed. This is when it’s in later stages of conflict but it’s not been cursed yet. Val stays because he sees people in need (and there is drow presence in the growing cult of the Absolute), and Ceri stays because Val stays,,, and she totally isn’t crushing on Isobel or Jaheira from afar. Val fights, she studies and heals. They have a casual alliance w/ the Harpers. Then the Curse hits, Val retreats until Absolute shit starts happening Worse, so he goes there. Ceridwen stays near the edge of the Shadow-Cursed Lands, studying it and its inhabitants. She often stays at the Last Light Inn.

Aaaand then. She’s kidnapped and tadpoled. Whoopsies. Val is off on an adventure, having just recently visited. So. Once again! Oops. This is where the story begins, and this long-ass backstory ends. Love y’all, especially those who read thru this whole thing lmao <333

[dailyaudiobible]

12/15/2022 DAB Transcript

Micah 1:1-4:13, Revelations 6:1-17, Psalm 134:1-3, Proverbs 30:1-4

Today is the 15th day of December, welcome to the Daily Audio Bible. I am Brian. It's great to be here with you today. It's great to be here with you every day or any day, and I'm glad that we have this place that we call the Global Campfire to…to be together and take the next step forward together. Yesterday, we were able to experience the book of Jonah in its entirety, which means that we get to move into some new territory yet again today and that territory will be the book of Micah and we'll get to camp out here for a couple of days.

Introduction to the Book of Micah:

Micah is the sixth of the 12 minor prophets. And since we’re going through the entire Bible, then will go through all 12 of the minor prophets. So, we’re kind of approaching the halfway point through the minor prophets. We don't know very much about Micah, outside of the book of Micah but we do know some things. Micah's name means who is like God and we know from the text, he was from the town of Moresheth and many scholars associate that with Moresheth Gatt which would put him in the lowlands, the Shephelah among the southern villages in the kingdom of Judah. And as Micah begins, we’re told that the Lord gave His message to Micah of Moresheth during the years when Jotham, Ahaz and Hezekiah were kings of Judah. The visions he saw concerned both Samaria and Jerusalem. But that gives us a bunch of information. The capital city of the northern kingdom was Samaria, the capital of the southern kingdom was Jerusalem, and the time of certain kings is named. So, we know who he is speaking about, and we know roughly when and that would put in probably in the early decades of the eighth century BC. We also know that Micah has a brief mention in the book of Jeremiah and that's like a century later, so that lets us know that Micah's prophecies were preserved and were still being referenced a century later. And Micah will follow the same general pattern that many of the prophets do; there are first prophetic utterances about doom and destruction and judgment, followed by a message of hope and restoration. In Micah this happens three times and within the text of Micah are promises of a coming deliverer, and that coming messianic deliverer is associated with Jesus. So, for example, in the book of Matthew, Micah is quoted, “but you O Bethlehem Efratah, are only a small village among all the people of Judah, yet a ruler of Israel, whose origins are in the distant past will come from you on my behalf.” And even Jesus, our Savior, quoted from the text in Micah describing…describing his own ministry, and the disruption that it brings. He says don't imagine that I came to bring peace to the earth, I came not to bring peace but a sword. This is Jesus quoting from the book of Micah. And what we’ll see in Micah is that God is angry, like He is very displeased with corruption, idolatry, rebellion and the exploitation of the less fortunate. He's very displeased about it, but He's even more passionate about putting things back together, about bringing hope and restoration for those who keep the covenant. So, with that, let's begin the book of Micah, we’ve been reading from the English Standard Version this week, which is what will continue to do, Micah chapters 1 through 4 today.

Prayer:

Father, we thank You for Your word, we thank You for Your kindness, we thank You for Your love, we thank You for our lives, we thank You that we have the Scriptures, and they point us toward You, and that we have been welcome into an intimate relationship with You. We are beyond grateful. Words fail us. There is no vocabulary that can describe anything but a mere glimpse of Your power, Your might, Your Majesty. And yet You know each of us by name and are fathering us and leading us, and part of the way You are doing that is allowing us to come together and feast upon Your word each and every day. And we are grateful for this. And so, Holy Spirit, plant what we have read today into our lives, into our hearts, today and every day, that it might cleanse us and correct us and direct us forward, on the narrow path that leads to life. We pray this in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is home base and that is the website and its where you find out what's going on around here. There's always stuff but it's Christmas time and so it's Christmas that's going on around here. And so, I will mention just for the last couple of days until well, until it's Christmas week, that the Daily Audio Bible Family Christmas Box for 2022 is still available and we’ll still be shipping it. We’ll do are, kind of last Christmas shipping, at the very, very beginning of next week. And so, we're down to these final days. And I invite you to check out all the stuff we've crammed into the box for this year. You can find it at dailyaudiobible.com or in the app by going to the Shop and in the Shop is a Christmas category and the Christmas box is in the Christmas category. And so, check that out. And our annual Christmas party is…is coming soon, within the next couple of days. So, watch out for that. That will just, that will just show up right where you go to get the Daily Audio Bible every day. That will just show up as an additional episode and so excited for our annual Christmas party. And so, try to get that out here with the next day or two if possible. So, watch for that.

And lastly, if you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible. If moving through the Bible in community around the Global Campfire has been life-giving this year. Thank you, humbly for your partnership. We wouldn't be here if we weren't in this together as a community and so thank you, humbly. There is a link on the homepage at dailyaudiobible.com. If you're using the app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or the mailing address is P.O. Box 1996 Springhill, Tennessee 37174.

And as always if you have a prayer request or encouragement, you can hit the Hotline button in the app, that's the red button up at the top or you can dial 877-942-4253.

And that's it for today, I'm Brian, I love you and I'll be waiting for you here, tomorrow.

Prayer and Encouragements:

Hey DAB family, this is Danny from Southern Oregon. I have been just saturating myself with Hardin family. Brian, I am so glad that you mentioned Jill's song Do You Hear What I Hear because I’ve never listened to it before and wow! Oh my gosh, it is so good. It’s the best rendition I have ever heard. And it's so exciting, I just get, I just get like full of energy when I listen to it. Oh, and then I love her, O Holy Night too. I've been listening to that, since it came out and been going to sleep with Max’s Christmas album. And you know, our roads are pretty icy and snowy and it's a little bit tense driving and so, I've been putting on your heart album while I'm driving and it just calms me, relaxes me, reminds me that God is with me, no matter what and I love it. And I'm also loving the sleep album. So, just want to thank you, whole family for everything that you do to make our lives better and bring us closer to Jesus. You guys are so amazing. Thank you.

Hello DAB family. Guess what, Dr. John from Jordon, New York and I am grandpa Dr. John. Thank you so much for all of your prayers. Sarah had Ezra Keegan Scott Allie on November 27 after three days of induction, they elected to do a cesarean section, which was likely a really good idea because he was 9 pounds and 13 ounces. That little chunk-a-roo came out with the wrist roles. He is so stinking cute, and I see lots of babies and I know cute and he's like pegging the cuteness scale. So anyway, thank you all for your prayers. Sarah and Ezra are both doing well. And Papa Joshua is popping buttons. So, as is Papa, I'm going by Papa and yeah, it's awesome. So, thank you very much. Dr. John signing off, bye bye.

Hello fellow members of the Daily Audio Bible family. It is I, Lawrence the Slow Boat. Sometimes, I get behind but not lately. Sometimes, I actually turned the boat around and revisit prayers and people that I've stared on the DAB app. In doing this, I am struck by the troubles of man and especially our young men and by the anxieties, helplessness, and the deep grief of those who love them. Believe me, I have lived through this. So, I want to start by encouraging Mikayla from Gloucester for the love she shows her nephew Taylor. And I pray for Betty from Hamburg in the turmoil of her son Nathan's mind after his period of catatonia. And also, for Rich in Arkansas, who on October 15th had not had one good word in the past week and cries out for help. And for Yolanda and her son bullied and beaten so cruelly. And for Kevin displaced to the United Kingdom, wondering if God has forgotten him. And for Brian and his son Mitchell, oh Brian, I know, I hear your torment as you feel you can do nothing for Mitchell. For the man, just released from 23 years in prison and who now feels so alone, my prayers for you be incense rising up to God's throne.

Hello Daily Audio Bible friends and family. I’m Israel from Lancaster and I'm calling because I need prayer. I just got COVID and have been fortunate enough not to catch it, until now. However, I am concerned. So, I'm reaching out to my family in Christ. And I thank you in advance for your prayers. And just know, that I also pray for your petitions. And I want to thank Brian and the whole family, for what they do in this great ministry. I appreciate every one of you and love you as well and I thank you.

Good morning DAB family. This is Consider It Pure Joy in Ohio. Got the four mutts here, with their jiggling collars in the background. And I'm convicted by the fact that on December 6, I didn't pray for People On the Water. You see, my 23-year-old, getting ready to graduate from college, has a very similar struggle. It’s not a struggle, it's…it's maturity. Has the process that she's going through, and she's looked around the last four or five years, seen a lot of people who call themselves Christians, not be very Christian-like. She has been around relationships that have disappointed her. She’s seen really bad things happen to really good people. She's just struggling with her purpose and what I thought I planned, and what God's intent really is. Tate, I I appreciated your comments around meeting someone with skin on. What a statement, what a comment. So, today, People On the Water, Tate, your family, I’d say all of us, pray for this generation that has had to go through so much over the past four or five years, in a time that is so foreign to us. And I pray that their…their eyes be open, that their hearts be changed, or in People On the Waters case, encouraged. And I pray that we be those people to do that. So, God bless you all. Love you all, you’re fantastic. Thank you, Brian. What a ministry. God bless. Bye Bye.

Trying to be the man that I though you wanted me to be Caused me not to be the man I should have been But women are just one of the many of weaknesses of men I’ve allowed many things in this life to set the standard for my own validation And when I failed to measure up, they became a source of frustration, aggravation, worriation as well as pride, ego and self-esteem deflation And I really can’t blame anybody else for the things that I do Even though all of us are victims, it’s true We’re all dealing with forces outside of our control Trying hard to rob us of our eternal soul And we often can’t even see it because we’re too full of ourselves Trying hard to dodge our daily past, present and future hells That’s why I thank You, Father for giving me eyes to see That all we really need in this life, is Thee And you created us to lead, not follow, to taste but not swallow Because it’s the Holy Spirit, our constant friend Comforter, counselor, that still small voice within Telling us to seek first the kingdom and everything else will be added Because we serve a High Priest that’s already had it Jesus said He had a cross to bear and that we would have one too And every day that statement is being proven true Father, please, give us wings and eyes of faith So we can rise above and see beyond those places that the world is telling us are safe Blindtony1016@gmail.com And once again Brian and the Hardin Family, thank you for this wonderful podcast, for God’s Holy Spirit to flow. Keep it flowing ya’ll. Alright, bye bye.

[tarobytez]

disability in the Six Of Crows Duology; an analysis of Kaz Brekker, Wylan Van Eck, and the fandom’s treatment of them.

****Note: I originally wrote this for a tiktok series, which im still going to do, but i wanted to post here as well bc tumblr is major contributor to what im going to talk about

CW: ableism, filicide, abuse

In the Six of Crows duology, Leigh Bardugo delicately subverts and melds harmful disability tropes into her narrative, unpacking them in a way that I, as a disabled person, found immensely refreshing and…. just brilliant. 

But what did you all do with that? Well, you fucked it up. Instead of critically looking at the characters, y’all just chose to be ableist. 

For the next few videos paragraphs im going to unpack disability theory (largely the stuff surrounding media, for obvious reasons) and how it relates to Six Of Crows and the characterization of Kaz Brekker and Wylan Van Eck, then how, despite their brilliant writing, y’all completely overlooked the actual text and continuously revert them to ableist cariactures.

Disclaimer: 1. Shocker - i am disabled. I have also extensively researched disability theory and am very active in the disabled community. Basically, I know my shit. 2. im going to be mad in these videos this analysis. Because the way y’all have been acting has been going on for a long ass time and im fuckin sick of it. I don’t give a shit about non-disabled feelings, die mad

Firstly, I’m going to discuss Kaz, his play on the stereotypical “mean cripple” trope and how Bardugo subverts it, his cane, and disabled rage. Then, I am going to discuss Wylan, the “inspiration porn” stereotype, caregivers / parents, and the social model of disability. Finally, I will then explain the problems in the fandom from my perspective as a disabled person, largely when it comes to wylan, bc yall cant leave that boy tf alone.

Kaz Brekker

Think of a character who uses a cane (obviously not Kaz). Now, are they evil, dubiously moral, or just an asshole in general? Because nearly example I can think of is: whether it be Lots’O from Toy Story, Lucius Malfoy, or even Scrooge and Mr.Gold from Once Upon A Time all have canes (the last two even having their canes appear less and less as they become better people)

The mean/evil cripple trope is far more common than you would think. Villains with different bodies are confined to the role of “evil”. To quote TV Tropes, who I think did a brilliant job on explaining it “The first is rooted in eugenics-based ideas linking disability or other physical deformities with a "natural" predisposition towards madness, criminality, vice, etc. The Rule of Symbolism is often at work here, since a "crippled" body can be used to represent a "crippled" soul — and indeed, a disabled villain is usually put in contrast to a morally upright and physically "perfect" hero. Whether consciously on the part of the writer or not, this can reinforce cultural ideas of disability making a person inherently inferior or negative, much in the same way the Sissy Villain or Depraved Homosexual trope associate sexual and gender nonconformity with evil. ”

Our introduction to Kaz affirms this notion of him being bad or morally bankrupt, with “Kaz Brekker didn’t need a reason”, etc. This mythologized version of himself, the “bastard of the barrel” actively fed into this misconception. But, as we the audience are privy to his inner thoughts, know that he is just a teenager like every other Crow. He is complex, his disability isn’t this tragic backstory, he just fell off a roof. It’s not his main motivation, nor does he curse revenge for making him a cripple - it is just another part of who he is. 

His cane (though the shows version fills me with rage but-) is an extension of Kaz - he fights with it, but it has a purpose. Another common thing in media is for canes to be simply accessories, but while Kaz’ cane is fashionable, it has purpose.

The quote “There was no part of him that was not broken, that had not healed wrong and there was no part of him that was not stronger for having been broken.” is so fucking powerful. Kaz does not want nor need a cure - its said in Crooked Kingdom that his leg could most likely be healed, but he chooses not to. Abled-bodied people tend to dismiss this thought as Kaz being stubborn but it shows a reality of acceptance of his disability that is just, so refreshing.

In chapter 22 of SOC, we see disabled rage done right - when he is called a cripple by the Fjerdan inmate, Kaz is pissed - the important detail being that he is pissed at the Fjerdan, at society for ableism, not blaming it on being disabled or wishing he could be normal. He takes action, dislocating the asshole’s shoulder and proving to him, and to a lesser extent, himself, that he is just as capable as anyone else, not in spite of, but because he is disabled. And that is the point of Kaz, harking back to the line that “there was no part of him that was not stronger for having been broken”. 

I cried on numerous occasions while reading the SOC duology, but the parts I highlighted in this section especially so. I, as many other disabled people do, have had a long and tumultuous relationship with our disability/es, and for many still struggle. But Kaz Brekker gave me an empowered disabled character who accepts themselves, and that means the world to me. 

Keeping that in mind, I hope you can understand why it hurts so much to disabled people when you either erase Kaz’s disability (whether through cosplay or fanfiction), or portray him as a “broken boy uwu”, especially implying that he would want a cure. That flies in the face of canon and is inherently fucking ableist. (if u think im mad wait until the next section)

Next, we have Wylan.  

Oh fucking boy. 

I love Wylan so fucking much, and y’all just do not seem to understand his character? Like at all? Since this is disability-centric, I’m not going to discuss how the intersection of his queerness also contributes to these issues, but trust me when I say it’s a contributing factor to what i'm going to say.

Wylan, motherfucking Van Eck. If you ableist pricks don’t take ur fucking hands off him right now im going to fight you. I see Wylan as a subversion another, and in my opinion more insidious stereotype pf disabled people - inspiration porn.

Cara Liebowitz in a 2015 article on the blog The Body Is Not An Apology explains in greater detail how inspiration porn is impactful in real life, but media is a major contributing factor to this reality. The technical definition is “the portrayal of people with disabilities as inspirational solely or in part on the basis of their disability” - but that does not cover it fully. 

Inspiration porn does lasting damage on the disabled community as it implies that disability is a negative that you need to “overcome” or “triumph” instead of something one can feel proud of. It exploits disabled people for the development of non-disabled people, and in media often the white male protagonist. Framing disability as inherently negative perpetuates ideals of eugenics and cures - see Autism $peaks’ “I Am Autism” ad. Inspiration porn is also incredibly patronizing as it implies that we cannot take care of ourselves, or do things like non-disabled people do. Because i stg some of you tend to think that we just sit around all day wishing we weren’t disabled. 

Another important theory ideal that is necessary when thinking about Wylan is the experience of feeling like a burden simply for needing help or accommodations. This is especially true when it comes to familial relationships, and internalized ableism.

The rhetoric that Wylan’s father drilled into his head, that he is “defective”, “a mistake”, and “needs to be corrected”, that he (Jan) was “cursed with a moron for a child” is a long held belief that disabled people hear relentlessly. And while many see Van Eck’s attempted murder of Wylan as “preposturous” and overall something that you would never think happens today - filicide (a parent murdering their child) is more common than you would like to believe. Without even mentioning the countless and often unreported deaths of disabled people due to lack of / insufficient / neglectful medical care, in a study on children who died from the result of household abuse, 40 of 42 of them (95%) were diagnosed with disabilities. Van Eck is not some caricature of ableist ideals - he is a real reflection on how many people and family members view disability. 

Circling back to how Wylan unpacks the inspiration porn trope - he is 3 dimensional, he is not only used to develop the other characters, he is just *chefs kiss* Leigh, imo, put so much love and care into the creation of Wylan and his story and character growth that is representative of a larger feeling in the disabled community. 

That being said, what you non-disabled motherfuckers have done to him.

The “haha Wylan can’t read” jokes aren’t and were not funny. Y’all literally boiled down everything Wylan is to him being dyslexic. And it’s like,,,, the only thing you can say about him. You ignore every other part of him other than his disability, and then mock him for it. There’s so much you can say about Wylan - simping for Jesper, being band kid and playing the fuckin flute, literally anything else. But no, you just chose to mock his disability, excellent fucking job!

Next up on “ableds stfu” - infantilization! y’all are so fucking condescending to Wylan, and treat him like a fucking toddler. And while partly it is due to his sexuality i think a larger portion is him being disabled. Its in the same vein of people who think that Wylan and Jesper are romantically one sided, and that Jesper only kind of liked Wylan, despite the canon evidence of him loving Wylan just as much. You all view him as a “smol bean”, who needs protecting, and care, when Wylan is the opposite of that. He is a fucking demolitions expert who suggested waking up sleeping men to kill them - what about that says “uwu”. You are treating Wylan as a burden to Jesper and the other Crows when he is an immensely valuable, fully autonomous disabled person - you all just view him as damaged. 

And before I get a comment saying that “uhhh Wylan isn’t real why do you care” while Wylan may not be real, how you all view him and treat him has real fucking impacts and informs how you treat people like me. If someone called me an “uwu baby boy” they’d get a fist square in the fucking jaw. Fiction informs how we perceive the world and y’all are making it super fucking clear how you see disabled people. 

Finally, I wanted to talk about how the social model of disability is portrayed through Wylan. For those who are unaware, the social model of disability contrasts the medical model, that views the disability itself as the problem, that needs to be cured, whereas the social model essentially boils down to creating an accommodating society, where disability acceptance and pride is the goal. And we see this with Wylan - he is able to manage his father’s estate, with Jesper’s assistance to help him read documents. And this is not out of pity or charity, but an act of love. It is not portrayed as this almighty act for Jesper to play saviour, just a given, which is incredibly important to show, especially for someone who has been abused by family for his disability like Wylan, that he is accepted. 

Yet, I still see people hold up Jesper on a pedestal for “putting up with” Wylan, as if loving a disabled person deserves a fucking pat on the back. It’s genuinely exhausting trying to engage with a work I love so much with a fandom that thinks so little of me and my community. It fucking shows. 

Overall, Leigh Bardugo as a disabled person wrote two incredibly meticulous and empowered disabled characters, and due to either lack of reading comprehension, ableism, or a quirky mix of both, the fandom has ignored canon and the experiences of disabled people for…. shits and giggles i guess. And yes, there are issues with the Grishaverse and disability representation - while I haven’t finished them yet so I do not have an opinion on it, people have been discussing issues in the KOS duology with ableist ideals. This mini series was no way indicative of the entire disabled experience, nor does it represent my entire view on the representation as a whole. These things need to be met critically in our community, and talked about with disabled voices at the forefront. For example, the limited perspective we get of Wylan and Kaz being both white men, does not account for a large portion of the disabled community and the intersection of multiple identities.

All-in-all, Critique media, but do not forget to also critique fandom spaces. Alternatively, just shut the fuck up :)

happy fucking disability pride month, ig

[thefallenbibliophilequote]

The Asgardian Way

Loki x Reader

Summary: you get your period on the most unfortunate time- on date night with Loki. Embarrassed as you are of the topic from past experiences with boyfriends, Loki shows you that unlike mortal men- Asgardians view this time of the month for women in a much better way.

Word count: 1,849

Warnings: period talk, fluff, shade on Christianity, some shade on human men, Loki being the ideal boyfriend we all deserve.

A/N: this was requested by @the-departed-potato and while I do not take requests I just really had to do this one because this was like just perfect for me specifically to do. Sorry it took so long! Sorry if this sucks!😅 I also truly had to hold myself back from giving even more shade on Christians of old times because damn I could write a whole essay about those people and how they spread misinformation that changed real history to fake mainly bc of witchcraft. This is not beta read so all mistakes are by yours truly!

No one is allowed to repost my writing or steal or copy my work! Reblog on tumblr is fine.

Masterlist

--

It's been going on for months now, the shameless flirting, the gentleman behaviour, and the devious looks he sent your way that completely contradicted his actions and left you a blushing mess even when he only opened the door for you- then he would wink at you.

It wasn't until one night that you gathered up courage to ask him out.

You were staying late at the Avengers Tower, you wanted to finish working on the new gadget you had built with Tony at the lab so he sent you to bring the two of you some coffee- he knew it was useless to tell you to go home and sleep- last time he tried to do it you called him a hypocrite and conditioned one of his suits to blast him if he gets close to you. You found it hilarious. He made sure to update the security of his code.

You went to the kitchen when you happened to overhear a conversation of two gods.

"Why have you not taken her on a date yet, brother?"

"I wish to court her properly, she deserves to be treated like a lady." You heard Loki respond to his brother. You leaned on the wall, trying not to get hopeful and to get the butterflies to calm down.

"Y/N is a fine lady, however, I heard from Stark that midgardian women might mistake courting like ours as mere jest." You smiled a bit at the scoff they both let out.

"Mortals continue to baffle me." Came Loki's comment, before Thor continued- not letting the subject go.

"Ask her on a date, I'm sure she will appreciate it." He encouraged his brother who wasn't as sure.

"I think, brother, that she is different- she will appreciate the old delicate arts of courting." He was not wrong- you were always old fashioned. But now at his admission, you stepped out of the shadows and into their view.

"While I do appreciate the courting, I'd love it if you would ask me out." Loki turned around at the sound of your voice.

"How long have you been standing there, darling?" he fidgeted with his hair.

"Long enough," you stepped down the stairs to stand in front of him. "What do you say about this Friday night at six? There is an art exhibit at the museum, I think you'll like calling out all the inaccuracies."

"Yeah, I'd like that." He gave you a small shy smile, and you completely forgot about Thor who stood on the side, watching it all unfold.

"This is great," he said. "You two are finally going on that date, see brother I told you-"

Thor stopped when he looked at Loki who sent him daggers at ruining the moment. You only chuckled.

"I have to go get Tony and I some drinks, so I guess I will see you then." You were about to turn around to head towards the kitchen when Loki took your hand in his, making you turn around, then he kissed the back of your hand lightly, bowing with a small smile at the blush on your cheeks.

"I look forward to it."

It took you a couple of second to function after he did that, mumbling a quiet goodbye you turned around and refused to look back at the smirking god.

•

You have gone with the god for a couple of dates now and then, sometimes you didn't see him for a whole week because of meetings in Asgard and while you were sad that you didn't get to see him-you were glad he was gone on that exact week every time.

You have been seeing him for about 2-3 months now and it was great- up until your period decided to come early. Right on your scheduled date.

You were nervously pacing your apartment thinking how to tell Loki that you can't go out with him tonight. You didn't want him to see you like this- he is a god, and you- you are a mortal woman who was having trouble getting out of bed because your body decided to punish you for not being pregnant this month.

Your body was so sexist.

Suddenly, a knock on the door.

Groaning, you got out of bed and headed for the door, checking who was there you were puzzled when you saw Loki there, dressed to the nines. Surely you didn't waste so much time, he must be early.

"Dear, are you okay there?" he called you.

"Yes, I'm fine- just a moment!" you tried to make yourself look presentable in a rush just so you could open the door to the dashing prince who was awaiting you.

You opened the door with a smile, which he returned.

You were used to acting like you were okay while your cramps were killing you from the inside but it seems like the god of lies could not be so easily fooled.

"Hi Loki, I was not expecting you this early." You laughed courtly, "And I was actually meaning to call- I'm not feeling so well today, I'm afraid I have to postpone our date tonight."

Loki walked into your apartment, kissing you on the cheek before pulling back to study you.

"I wanted to see you sooner, so here I am. But now that I am here- well tell me what is wrong, dearest?" he frowned when he saw you slightly clench your fists.

"Oh, I'm just not feeling well, I won't be good company and I won't be able to enjoy a lovely night with you I'm afraid."

"I'm a healer my love; you always seem to forget my magic," he smirked slightly causing you to laugh- which was not good right now for you.

"I remember your magic powers very well when you prank me." You countered. "But no, this is not something you need to worry about."

He reached out and took your hand with a small laugh. The door locked itself with a wave of his hand as he took you to the couch.

"I'm afraid you will have to do better than that to fool the god of lies." He took both of your hands in his and you were sure he could see your embarrassment with the way he was gazing into your eyes, "Now tell me, what is wrong?"

"You really don't need to- it's kind of embarrassing-" you started to mumble, lowering your head.

"I'm still here, aren't I? What kind of man will I be if I am not taking care of those I care about?"

You pulled your hands away from him, embarrassed as you mumbled something he couldn't quite put together.

"What was that?"

"I'm on my period." You closed your eyes- not wanting to see his disgusted look. "See, so you don't need to be here, I can take care of it myself and we can reschedule our date to a week from now."

It was not a problem to you- you knew the drill- but having to explain it to a clueless god felt humiliating to say the least.

"Is that all? Why didn't you tell me sooner?" You opened your eyes to a puzzled god.

"Because it would make you uncomfortable," you replied, suspicious of his reaction.

"Why on Odin's beard would it make me uncomfortable?" He frowned at you and looked you over. He started peppering kisses on your hands.

"Because it is my period?" You knew he is a god, but maybe asgardians women didn't get that. "Here on earth, men tend to be disgusted by it, they don't like to get involved in it or talk about it."

He huffed out in surprised anger- that you did not expect. The god in front of you did not know how human males could be so awful.

"Well that is preposterous! Women are to be worshipped at those times!" you stared at him-he had always treated you differently, unlike anything you have seen on earth before. You knew Asgardian ways of manners were much old fashioned and yet so different all the same.

"Then tell me, how do asgardians see it?" you leaned on the back of the couch, facing Loki and pulling a blanket over you. You liked how safe he made you feel, but this still felt weird to you- you were not sure how to react- to what extent it goes. So, curiosity got the better of you, "because if I'm being honest, this is kind of embarrassing."

Loki sent you a smile with a twinkle in his eye.

"Darling there is nothing to be embarrassed of! You are naturally as powerful as a thunder storm, a tornado- lightning cowards before you and your power!" he was going to make sure you understand it, he had never been so baffled by humans before. "You hold the ability of life- eternal life- in every drop of blood that falls from you- from the most powerful being in all the realms. For a couple of days each month- you are being shown your true power even through your suffering- and in that time you, my dear, are more powerful than a god. You should be nothing but worshipped. That is what the gods of Asgard know it to be true."

"Do they really all think that?" you felt a sharp pain suddenly and Loki came closer to you, put his usually cold hand on your stomach and you felt comforting warmness ease your ache.

"They know it. The people of midgard knew it too at some point, but then some people who thought themselves gods- I think they called themselves Christians- decided that the bleeding was a show of witchcraft and called it a sin and spread many lies about it, which now I see are still believed to this day. You see, they were quite stupid." You laughed at the disgusted look he gave you, which in turn made him smile. "You know, I probably shouldn't tell you this but…"

"You never obey such rules." You laughed and put your hand over his one that was comforting you on your stomach.

"In one of Thor's travels he bathed in a river filled with the menstrual blood of the powerful Giantesses. That was to give him enlightenment and eternal life."

"Ew, did he actually do it?" you scrunched your nose and Loki kissed it.

"That is not disgusting- that was powerful and very well respected. When he came back, he was the smartest I have ever seen him."

"I hope he took a good bath after it…" you chuckled and smiled at him, "Thank you for this, the Asgardian way of thinking is way better than that of earth."

"Now, dear, while I do have a preferred way to help take away the pain-" you blushed under his gaze. "Tell me, what is it that you desire? Tell me, so I can worship you as I should."

You kissed him then and you knew right then when he kissed you back that the Asgardian men are way better.

•

Taglist: : @callmeluna @sstanbarnes @buckys-other-punk @drabblewithfrannybarnes @easygoingtheatre @that-one-person @justab-eautifulmess @onceupona-happilyeverafter @wipplogg @supraveng @samwilsons-pillowpecs @ayybtch @kitkatd7 @chrissquares @make-me-imagine @jessalyn-jpeg

[bukojuiice]

— genshin boys as your late night study buddy

ೃ ft. childe, diluc, kaeya, zhongli, xiao and albedo x gn! reader

ೃ 200-299 words per character!  (they are your bfs in this! bc MAN do i desperately want one of the genshin boys to cram school works with and shower me with luv and affection.) ♡

ೃ tags: college au, modern au, and lots of fluff. 

ೃ thank you so so much for 1k notes on my very first batch of genshin hcs! i appreciate all the luv it received and i can never thank all of you enough 🥺 i’ll be making a genshin masterlist soon to compile all of my current and future works so pls stay tuned for that!

ೃ if you want to be a part of my taglist, answer this form! ♡

ZHONGLI:

– Zhongli would be a very chill study partner. He will always keep his cool and focus, never letting his attention stray away from less trivial things. If he can focus, he’ll focus. There’s always this sense of comfort surrounding him that brightens up your mood and productivity. The both of you are sat in this long table, papers, books, and cute matching pencils are sprawled about. You lean your head on his shoulder, as he serenades you with his deep and butter voice, explaining all the formulas to you. Being able to study in peace and quiet with him is always a blissful experience. He never fails to brew you green tea (as it helps the brain function) even if that meant going down to the kitchen at 2 in the morning. He always brings a small humidifier and some essential oils with him that can help brighten up the study mood and that emits a wafting vanilla pinecone scent to keep you happy. (He’s just fancy like that.) When he doesn’t understand the concepts right away, he’d turn to you, his sharp amber eyes gazing at yours with nothing but innocent and love, and asks: “(Y/N)... what reference is this supposed to be? pepe the frog? kermit the frog? here come dat boi? aren’t they all just amphibians? what are the differences between them? I am very intrigued.”

CHILDE:

  – Childe loves a challenge. An academic challenge. He loves the thrill of finishing school works the night before the deadline, he loves studying for a pop quiz twenty minutes before the bell rings, and most importantly, he loves to pretend he doesn’t know how to solve point a to point b if that means getting to spend time with you as you tutor him on how to do so. He’s at the top of the class, He’s popular and friendly, He’s the captain of the Archery Team, and one of the vice council members of the Fatui Club. But, no other title will ever come close to being your study buddy. You and Childe always chill on the bed whenever you study. Especially when the both of you have the sudden urge to just laze around. Well, it is the wee hours of the night, so just lounging around and trying to resist the urge of sleep is pretty understandable. Sometimes, the two of you would take power naps in between study sessions. This meant cuddle times! Childe will always cuddle with you, (he’s the big spoon and you are the smol spoon) and often times you would be immersed into your textbook while he’s scrolling through his phone and looking for some of the current and popular memes. He’d poke you on the cheek and show you what he’s found. It was quite annoying sometimes and you would reprimand him for it, but it never fails to make you laugh. You jokingly suggested one time that the two of you sneak in the library after closing hours, and your chaotic boyfriend turns to you with the biggest smirk plastered on his face. “Let’s do it baby. I know the law.”

DILUC:

–You and Diluc are the cutest pair of night owls. So, studying late at night is never a problem with him because with the help of each other, the both of you are unstoppable. An actual power couple. Batman and his love interest who? I only know (Y/N) and Diluc. Mondstadt University should be giving you the title of #NoSleepGang for the “Campus Cuties” awards because the two of you are able to ace every test still despite lack of sleep.  You and Diluc are very very organized. The both of you own matching couple planners (that the both of you had gifted to each for Christmas) and have your entire study schedule planned out already. Since the two of you prefer to study at night, your dates are usually done during the day. Which meant never having to worry about the upcoming finals whilst you’re at a cute little café with him. The both of you have respective desks whenever you study together, but you never fail to gaze at your crimson-haired boyfriend with the cutest pout and biggest puppy eyes. He always gives in and next thing you know, your swivel chairs are practically glued next to each other and the both of you are cuddling in your seats. One thing that Diluc never fails to do is pamper you with comfort food or little gifts that you love after a long and tiring week of hell (aka exams) It’s such a sweet gesture and the blissful relationship that you have can’t get any better than this.

“I got you some boba and that necklace from Pandora that you’ve always wanted. I-I’m so proud of you (Y/N). You did great, my love.”

KAEYA:

- You are the Lawful Good to Kaeya’s Chaotic Evil. Kaeya is always tempted to ask for answers from your professors. He’s quite the teacher’s pet, but with good intentions. That’s just how he rolls. Every time he jokes about going to the faculty to help out and the answer sheets are just out in the open, waiting to be snatched, you always glare at at him and punch him softly on the arm, every time he tries to bring up the idea. To which he would always reply with, “I’m kidding. Just kidding my love.” You and Kaeya have amazing study hacks. He is always able to find a movie that is somewhat related to the topics that the both of you are currently studying about. For example, when the topic was an introduction to different branches of science, Kaeya chose Big Hero 6  as the “Educational Movie Of the Day.” He is always able to find something fun and informative for the both of you to watch. Well, Kaeya does find fun and interest in everything. Another effective strategy that both of you do is every time you or him get an answer right, you reward each other with either a kiss on the cheek or a bear hug. Both of these affectionate gestures give you butterflies in your stomach anyway, so it doesn’t matter which is which. With the ideas that Kaeya constantly makes up every single day of your study sessions, there’s a high chance that you’ll never fluke a test ever again.

“Oh. That’s pretty cool of you (Y/N). You got 30 correct answers! If we count everything, so I basically gave you 15 forehead kisses and 15 bear hugs. Congrats! I know we’re going to ace our finals!”

XIAO:

– Xiao is extremely intelligent and talented in a myriad of things. However, he lacks self-confidence. You’ve sworn to your boyfriend that you’d help him gain confidence in his academic abilities. Which is why you became study buddies in the first place. It served as dates with him too! Although he stubbornly refused at first, his reasons being that he can do things by himself and he doesn’t need any help. You continued to encourage him that this was going to help the both of you and it was a way for the two of you to bond, and Xiao hesistantly agreed right after. As the captain of the soccer team, “The Liyue Adepti”, The only free time that Xiao has was during the evening which is the reason for your scheduled late night studies with him. This brought so much more intimate and sweet moments with him though! It meant sleepovers with him, midnight snack runs, and casual early morning strolls in the park. It became sort of a routine. Your hand interlaced with his, the crisp morning air, the little chirpings birds, and the tranquil swaying of the trees brought so much comfort to the both of you. Xiao would be the type of student to not speak up unless he’s called. Even if he knows the answer. The both of you sit on some floor pillows whenever you would study. So, whilst you read aloud, Xiao always hugs you from behind, resting his head on your shoulder.

“I don’t deserve the patience and love you give me, (Y/N). I am eternally grateful for everything you’ve done for me. I hope you know, that I’ll always be here for you.”

ALBEDO:

- Being the university’s library assistant has it’s perks. Access to infinite knowledge, quiet solitude within the library walls, and being able to hang out with your boyfriend. It was truly a perfect deal. After classes, Albedo would be heading straight over to the library to do his work. You’d meet him there and wait until he gets his work done, and then the two of you head home together or have dinner. Albedo likes to plan things in advance. He’s quite busy, being a part of university’s alchemist group and as a library assistant, but, he will always study with you. He even brings Klee with him at times too! She’s always an energetic and cute addition, + she tattles on and on about how in love Albedo is with you and how he would never shut up about you at home. Albedo puts a lot of effort into creating review materials for the both of you. He makes very intricate drawings of modules, dioramas of certain science models, and has all the formulas memorized for him to list down. He’s a genius after all, and although you’ve constantly told him time and time again that he doesn’t have to make a review paper specifically catered to you, he still insists. He always gifts you one whenever it’s exam week (he adds extra detail to them during your finals) The cutest thing about these papers are scribbled about in all of the pages. The cutest doodles of the two of you with hearts and flowers drawn all over. Albedo + (Y/N) is even written in the last page, along with a heartfelt message: 

“I put all my faith and belief in you, (Y/N). I know you can do this. I’m proud of everything you’ve reached so far, my beloved. and I know you’ll reach greater heights. Let’s continue to excel and thrive together. I can’t wait to spend the rest of this journey with you.”

[stopeatingwhales]

the 1995 brits (pt. 2) x damon albarn & liam gallagher

ok this has nothing to do with the brits bc now its about glastonbury 1995 i just didn't know whether i should rename it lmaoo okay enjoy x

Pairing: 1995 damon albarn & liam gallagher x reader

Warnings: none at all

Word count: 2.495

part one

༉‧₊˚✧

The Glastonbury festival was always one of the best gatherings for music every year. All the best acts in the music would all be invited to perform, and it was amazing. It formed a unity, a connection between the fans and the artists, the creators and the consumers, morphing an atmosphere which only gentrified the solidarity and wholeness the nation felt when they all held adoration to the same album, same songs, singing the choruses from their hearts, with their whole being. It was a spiritual connection with the audience; you weren’t singing to them, you were singing with them. Nothing got as good as Glastonbury - a concert size any larger you would begin to feel detached with the audience - and boy was it a good feeling to be invited this year. Our band had blown up massively, and to be able to perform on the main stage, celebrating the summer and the true joys that music is able to provide and attain, is more than just doing your part. It’s a humbling experience; the lyrics that may have seemingly been written down as a daft thought on the back of a napkin whilst you were sitting having a coffee, relaxing in the tedious cycle that is life, being chanted back to you, shows the true connection those can have with simple melodies and lyrics. Once it’s released in any format, the music, the lyrics, the melodies, they aren’t yours; just as a book, once released, is not the authors’ anymore. It possesses the ownership of the public, that who purchases it, wears it out, listens to the songs back to back to memorise every single lyric and adlib. The songs become the nation's songs, they become the mere link to a dozen memories of each and every person, which they would take to their grave, remembering the good times, and potentially the bad. The true power of music is that it forms a connection - not just with the artist, but with yourself. You can relate to whatever has been said, you can understand yourself just that bit more which allows you to grow as a person, and mature and better into the person that you were set out to be.

I was standing backstage, currently watching the performance lead by Blur, trying to hide from any form of authority who would know that I wasn’t supposed to be back here yet. My band was on in a few hours, so I wasn’t permitted backstage, the only people allowed being the group that was on next. As I admired the performance being put on by Damon and the rest of the band, mumbling lyrics every now and again of songs that I had known from their albums, I felt an arm snake its way around my waist, the grip of the person’s palm squeezing my hip slightly. “Now how come I haven’t seen your pretty face in a while?” said Liam, who was grinning at me widely.

Since the Brit awards, I forced myself to stop partying as much as I used to, due to the addiction that had been stemming from my consistent use of drugs and alcohol. It began to take its toll on me entirely, and I hated the lifestyle that I had started to inhabit. Sex, booze, drugs... they all seem so wonderful, and seem to be fundamental elements that could provide an enjoyable time, don't they? But with repetitive use of such recreational activities, it would not only initiate the worst hangovers, but would also form a pit of longing in the body, endured with your attempt to fill it up with all the illegal pharmaceuticals to make you feel whole again, but of course, the happiness only lasts for a short while before you’re passed out on a couch, waking up at 5 in the afternoon with a raging headache and the only access to pain medication being a five minute walk to the nearest corner shop because you had finished it all. And to your surprise, the pit only got more deep and paining. It was ironic; the drugs designed for jubilation, euphoria, fulfillment, started to make me feel worse than I had already done previously. “I’ve just been caught up with working on the new album, so I’ve been too focused on that to be going out like I used to,” I replied, a grin masked over my lips. It was far from a lie; my band were currently working on our third album, and it had been quite an interesting experience as we were reinventing our sound, though wasn’t the main reason I had avoided all clubs in sight. “You miss me?”

“Course I do, you’re the only girl I know that’ll go as hard as the rest of the lads,” a frown painted over his face as he looked down on me. “It’s hot, y’know.”

I scoffed, my smile still evident on my face. “Oh Liam, you’re going to make me blush!” I joked, placing my arm around his waist. We both carried on watching the performance being led by Damon, who currently had the crowd screaming over the top of their heads at Girls and Boys. Oasis were on after - even these concerts were chipping in on the mess of their feud. “You nervous?”

“Me? Nervous? Never.” Liam replied, snarling at my question.

“Really?” I asked, diverting my stare to look up at Liam, my eyebrows raised in a sarcastic manner. Even though it wasn’t evident from his facial expression, everybody would be nervous. Especially if you were performing on the main stage in a few minutes.

“Okay, maybe a little bit.” He mumbled, staring at Damon with a look of disgust on his face.

“Knew it,” I grinned, allowing my hand to run up and down his back as a form of comfort to soothe his nerves. The tight grip he kept consistent on my waist proved that he felt tense. “You’ll be amazing, you always are.”

“You hitting on me?” he quickly fired back, cocking his head to the side as he admired me, his gaze flicking to my lips every now and again.

“Of course I am.” I sarcastically replied, rolling my eyes at Liam’s child-like characteristics. By now Blur had finished their set, leaving the crowd screaming and waving things in the air as a form of goodbye. Me and Liam stayed put in our place as the four boys waltzed off the stage, me congratulating them as they walked off one by one. Damon was the last to walk off, and as he began strolling off the stage proudly, our eyes connected, causing me to dart my stare away from his robust glare that had reflected off of his orbs. Knowing of his distaste in Liam, I brushed it off immediately, remembering the pettiness of their argument the last time we had all been together at the Brits. I heard Liam utter some profanity under his breath after Damon walked past us, but I chose not to question him on it, full-well knowing it was either wanker or cunt.

When the rest of the band turned up and Oasis were on cue to go on, Liam quickly detached himself from our embrace, pressing his lips to my cheek, grinning at me widely. “Don’t miss me too much!” he shouted as he walked onto the stage, causing the crowd to erupt into a fit from the mere sight of the band getting themselves ready - Liam just standing there cooly, picking up the tambourine left on the floor for him. I marvelled at the band as they began their set, instantly grinning as soon as Liam began singing the lyrics to Rock n Roll star. Let’s hope he’s not walking off stage this time.

I continued to concentrate on their performance, oftentimes laughing as the crowd progressively got more and more rowdy, screaming the lyrics as Liam sang them, as if Noel’s backing vocals weren’t enough to keep the song going to its full potential. “I wonder when you’re going to realise that you like me.” I heard a voice mutter from behind, causing me to abruptly turn my head, even though I knew exactly who it was. My eyes were greeted with the sight of Damon, a small smirk illustrated on his lips as he glued his eyes on mine - just like he had done before when he walked past me and Liam.

“I’m sorry?” I scoffed, raising my eyebrows at his clearly egotistical assumption, though I couldn’t help but resist a smile to contract on my cheeks as I gazed at him. Much like me and Liam, we also hadn’t spoken since the Brit awards, and it would’ve been a lie if I hadn’t wanted to talk to him again. Despite the fact that there was a certain tension between us that, from each meeting, seemed to intensify, and was something we were both clearly aware of, I ignored it entirely - even if my bandmates had teased me religiously every time they saw me have an encounter with him. Go out with him already! You two are constantly flirting!

Moving away from where I was standing, I made my way over to him to be able to talk over the loud music seeping out of the speakers, instead of shouting at one another. We then exited the backstage area together, welcoming us to the view of a plain grassland where a couple trailers had been parked, both of our bands included. Eventually, we walked to one of the random trailers, assuming it was his one, and stood against the shiny metal impediment as we shared a cigarette.

“Don’t act like it’s not true,” he replied casually, him reciprocating my grin as we began to walk further into the backstage space. “I saw the way you were eyeing me.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I replied, attempting to act oblivious towards his statement. I could feel him gawking, focused on me as I admired the blooming sunlight that casted out towards us, the light so bright that it caused my eyes to tear up slightly. The music was still very much audible, and the screams of the many thousands jammed together in the mosh pit were still extremely loud.

“Oh, but you do.” he mumbled, causing me to shift my view to look at him. He had now fixated his stare onto the sun, the cigarette softly placed between his lips as he inhaled quickly before taking it out and allowing the built-up smoke from his lungs to escape into the atmosphere. Dropping the tobacco roll onto the ground, he placed his foot over it in order to burn it out, then turning his head to fixate his gaze onto mine. A brief moment of silence passed as we admired one another, the atmosphere carrying an element of apprehension as to what was about to occur between us. Through my peripheral I saw moving his body slightly to come closer to mine as he lifted his back off the metal surface and stood in front of me, my gaze not daring to leave him. Our eyes maintained strong eye contact as I felt my cheeks began to heat up furiously, followed by my attempt on telling myself that it was simply due to the sun’s radiance that my face held such warmth, almost as if to doubt the feelings, the tensions that had constantly piled up every time we had seen one another.

Our noses touched as our faces then became inches apart, my eyes focused on Damon, who kept darting his eyes to my lips every few seconds. Tilting his head slightly, he leaned his body forward, softly pressing his lips onto mine. We stood there for a few seconds, to allow the moment to truly sink in. His hands were gently placed on my waist as I placed them on his arms, like a form of support to allow myself to stay upright. After a while, I snaked my hands around his neck in order to deepen the kiss, the warmth of his lips colliding against mine sending shocks all around my body - the moment didn’t feel real at all. It was as if this entire time of me knowing of him, interacting with him, being in his presence, I had attempted to avoid myself catching feelings, not getting myself engraved in a situation with another musician, but due to my mind forcing such a hindrance, it became an inevitability - I caught feelings for Damon Albarn.

As we pulled away to catch our breaths, Damon leaned back, sneaking his arms around my waist as he looked down on me. “You liked that.”

“Shut up.”

“Can’t wait for Liam to find out about this.” he grinned, playing with strands of my hair as I glared at him. I knew he was aware of the glare I was giving him, because he seemingly began to grin even wider.

“He won’t, because you’re not going to tell him.” I replied bluntly, placing my hands on his chest as I began to draw little circles over his shirt. It felt so surreal, yet so normal - there was a certain amenity shared between us proving that what was felt in the past was indeed real, and indeed reciprocated.

“Always knew you’d give in one day.” he mumbled, a devilish grin painted on his lips.

“Really?” I scoffed. “Even when the tabloids were convinced me and Gallagher were an item?” I asked, staring straight into his eyes. I noticed him frown slightly after the question left my mouth, my lips attempting to form into a smile as I broke off his smug persona.

“Well it looks like you’ve left Liam to be with me.” he grinned, our eyes connecting once again. I took his hand away from my hair to interlace it with mine, holding it close to my chest for Damon to be able to feel my heartbeat. Even though anybody could have opened their trailer door and witnessed us in such an affectionate state, none of that seemingly mattered to either one of us. Everything that had occurred between me and Damon felt so perfect, to the point that I would want somebody to come and witness the true beauty of this moment. There was a strong feeling in my chest that I wanted him to feel, to understand, that what was occurring between us truly meant something, and wasn’t just a silly little play to mess with my feelings.

“Liam’s not that bad you know.”

“I’m just joking, love, don’t worry.” he mumbled, bringing our interlaced hands to his face to allow him to kiss the back of my hand. “You wanna go get something to eat before you head on?”

“Sure, I’d love to.” I said, forcing us to detach our bodies from our embrace and walk over to one of the food stalls, hand in hand.

[yesimwriting]

playing vices

“A/n a blurb bc ive been working on my novel and ive missed writing for Kirigan :))

--

I am a fool that has played into her vices enough to make them addictions. That must have been Kirigan's plan. He knows that I don't agree with his methods. He is also much too aware of the fact that I am beyond attached to him. He plays into that fact often, lulling me to him whenever he feels that my conscious is in danger of driving a wedge between us.

Which is why I have become accustomed to falling asleep while running my fingers along his skin as he whispers things much sweeter than anything he would say while fully awake.

But now it's late and he's not here. I sit up, kicking the comforter off of me slightly. It seems Aleksander has been more and more absent these days. When he's not with me, the odds that he's doing something that hurts people are high. His absence is also starting to make me feel like he's losing interest in me. It would make sense considering the fact that he looked twice at me in any capacity has never seemed logical.

Maybe that's why we've never indicated commitment to each other. I don't know what commitment would be with him. He seems to grand to be considered a 'boyfriend', but there's something more than friendly about how he holds onto me. I've never cared for labels until I started feeling displaced.

"You're still awake."

I press my lips together, trying to seem a little calmer. "Couldn't sleep."

"Troubling thoughts?" The question is more weighted than it should be. Everything with him is. 

“Has anyone ever called you dramatic?” 

His lips quirk upwards, hinting at a smile. Warmth pools in my stomach, the way it always does when he lets me see the slight glimmer of light that’s still in him. Sometimes I think he only shows me this softness when he feels that I may pull away. It may be rooted in manipulative intent, but I know that it’s real. 

“Only you would have the gall,” he says, voice low yet not dark. 

Kirigan’s easiness coaxes a smile from my lips. A small one, but I can feel the way the crack in my tension feeds his confidence. He takes pride in slipping past the walls I only try to create when cautious or irritated. Today I’m both but I need to pretend like I’m neither. The more resistance he senses, the more forward and effective his advances become. 

I keep my expression neutral. I’m sure Alina could get away with calling him that. I wish she was more unlikable. It would be easier to hide my irritation if I could blame that displaced feeling in my chest on two people. But of course Alina is wonderful, beautiful, and his equal.

Whatever. It’s not like we’re really anything. Every time I see him I wait for his betrayal. There’s nothing worth using me for, and somehow that makes me feel worse. He should have never looked at me twice let alone encourage whatever strange relationship we’ve created. 

My silence seems to displease him because he approaches my bedside easily in quick yet patient strides. Now that he’s close enough to touch I feel some of the ice I managed to solidify melt. 

Kirigan lifts a hand and places it on my knee easily. I stiffen instinctually, he runs his thumb over my skin to fight my resistance. “Who’s upset you?” 

I breathe, forcing myself to ease. “No one has.” I don’t have to meet his gaze to know he doesn’t believe me. That’s the core source of our attachment, we can read each other with less than a look. “I’m just getting a headache,” not a full lie, “I’ll feel better after some sleep.” He squeezes my knee slightly, a soft way of asking me for more. “I don’t think I’ll be good company tonight.” 

His hand leaves my knee, fingertips barely grazing my thigh as he moves his hand to hold beneath my chin. I still as he turns my head so that I have no choice but to meet his gaze. “You don’t need to be good company when what I want is your presence.” 

I press my lips together to avoid melting into the promising pools of warmth that make up his irises. He spent all day with Alina, took Zoya’s side in an argument I had with her earlier this week, and now he comes to me late at night. He seems to only want to acknowledge me when we’re alone, and it’s not like I want more than that. I just don’t know how long my heart will be able to teeter the line between nothing and something. I’m a fool for having let it go on this long. 

The only problem is that his steady stare is chasing away all of my rationality. “I’m sure you’ll be able to find someone more in the mood to offer their presence.” 

My curtness leaves something behind his expression dull, the hint of a smile that was growing on him has now vanished. I am met with a stoic disposition I have never had directed at me. 

“They’re not you,” he counters, voice edged by something I don’t understand. 

That’s the point. They’re not me--I’m average. I can’t offer power and my relationship experience is basic at best. I don’t want to have this argument, not when I’m basically fighting for him to let me go when that’s not what I want. 

I’m making it easier. If it hurts this much when I was only on the cusp of something, imagine the pain I’l feel if I let it continue. I turn my head away so that he’s no longer holding my chin. “Not a bad thing.” 

“To me it is.” He doesn’t hesitate, my chest swells. His thumb brushes against my cheek, soft and comforting. “I’m tired,” he says this like it’s a confession. His admission hangs in the air for a long moment, as heavy and weighted as my heart. “If you’re angry, wait until morning.” 

Something in my heart cracks. “I’m not angry.” My gaze drops, my thoughts struggling to come together. “I’ll be nicer to deal with in the morning.” 

“Y/n,” his tone twists from distant to warning, “the last time you asked me to leave was when you discovered something you didn’t like.” 

I almost wince at the way he’s worded it. When I found out what his real plans were, I told myself I had to leave. He skirted past all of my reservations and walls, twisting my doubt away through coddling whispers and shy brushes of fingers.

“This isn’t like that.” Not a lie. 

He exhales slowly, the sound dangerously sharp. “Then what is it?” 

“Why did you come here so late?” The question leaves me too sharply. I’m exposing too much but I can’t help it. “If you don’t want to answer, that’s fine.” My voice is flat. “I’m sure Alina will be happy to fill me in.” I can’t bring myself to take in his reaction. “And if she can’t, I’m sure Zoya will be able to.” 

He’s silent for a long second. “Unwarranted jealousy doesn’t suit you.” 

His confidence sparks something angry within me.  “I am not jealous.” The most blatant lie of the night, but I don’t care. I turn my head to glare at him, “and don’t just tact on ‘unwarranted’ before something that’s true just because it’s easier for it not to be.” 

I watch his expression cautiously until the slightest tilt of his lips adds to my anger. He’s enjoying this or he did this intentionally or both. “Darling,” he hums, voice soft, “you are the only person that makes me feel peace.” 

My stomach flutters, the sensation threatening to break my weak resolve. “I am not particularly powerful,” I breathe, voice stiff, “or particularly...” How do I explain this all to him? “Anything.” He’s everything, and I am nothing but average. “I’m average at best, there’s no reason for you to want anything to do with me, and that’s fine--but don’t lie and pretend that that’s not true.” 

The sentence is barely out fo my mouth before I feel myself pulled towards him by the collar of my nightgown. His lips are on mine before I can question where this is going. I kiss him back too quickly, but any effort I expend is returned fervently.

He pushes me back slightly as quickly as he yanked me forward. He doesn’t explain. I don’t ask him to. I should demand an answer and shove him away from me or pull him back towards me. But I do nothing. I just stare at him as he stares at me. 

When the weight of the silence threatens to break something in me, I force myself to speak, “Kirigan--”

“Aleksander.” The name is soft and so fragile I worry it will shatter in the air before it can fully reach me. “You know there’s much I’m not ready to say, but that,” he exhales, the sound so sad I want to reach for him, “that is the one name I have not given to myself and I want you to have it.” Something conflicted crosses his features. “I would never give that to someone average.” 

Emotion swells in my chest, heavy yet not painful. “Aleksander.” I’m not sure if I’m trying to call to him or if I’m just trying to feel his name--his true name--on my lips. 

His eyes widen, something unbearable behind them. He moves the hand holding the collar of my nightgown to my cheek. I lean into the contact like a fool as his eyes flutter shut. “Say it again.” 

I don’t hesitate, “Aleksander.” I lift my hand, fingers hesitant to find their place on his cheek. “Aleksander.”

He sighs into both the contact and the name. “You’re the first thing I’ve allowed myself to want,” his eyes open, but I cannot bring myself to meet his gaze, “I should make you feel like it.”

Something about the way he says that is sad. “I think that if it’s fair to say you were a little distant, it’s just as fair to say that I was a little jealous.” 

Aleksander smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “I’m tired,” he admits, “I’ll enjoy my victory in the morning.” 

I roll my eyes, but scoot over to give him a place by my side regardless. “I’m not sure you won, I think it was more of a draw.” 

He takes the space I offer quickly, never letting the contact between us disappear as he settles himself against my pillow. I let him pull me towards him. “This feels like a victory.” 

I try to ignore the warmth in my chest. “You’re lucky I’m tired enough to find that endearing.” 

I relax as his fingers trace shapes I’ll never know about onto my back. “I agree.” 

[pumpkinpaix]

this is gonna sound so harsh but im legit tired of chinese diaspora people who think that bc they are of chinese descent and they have pleco they can act like voices of authority in the fandom. if modao is the 1st chinese book you have read pieces of with a dictionary, if you have never interacted with the actual chinese fandom, you are not part of the intended audience and your biased opinion is not the One And Only Valid Truth 🍵

strongly agree | agree | neutral | disagree | strongly disagree | this is really hard for me to express in terms of an agree/disagree axis lol

genuinely cannot tell if you’re trying to shade me here anon lmao 😂

this got long and rambly (of course) asldkjfslj. i would love to make the excuse that it’s bc i’ve got a migraine and had No Sleep but. let’s be real i’m always like this.

ok i’ll start with where i agree: i don’t think anyone has the right to act like an ultimate voice of authority in fandom. i think different people with different backgrounds have varying realms of expertise and they should be respected when they share that knowledge, but that the instant someone starts to use that kind of power as a weapon against people they personally don’t like, i think they forfeit that privilege. no one has the one and only valid truth about a piece of media because that’s fundamentally impossible. i have definitely interacted with diaspo who behave like their heritage gives them some kind of incontrovertible authority over everyone else, and they’re fucking insufferable and often rather cruel, even/especially towards other diaspo. meet me in the denny’s parking lot and fight me for real. i’ll kick ur ass. >:c

however, I also think it’s true that there’s a lot of dismissal of heritage fans in this fandom, if that makes sense, from both sides of the equation: non-Chinese fans ignore our cultural hangups because they’re inconvenient, and non-diaspora disdain us for being not Chinese enough. that puts a lot of us in a position of feeling disrespected just for being who we are, or having our very real knowledge and unique experience as individuals devalued because of it.

regardless of my identity, I have formally studied a lot of things: literary translation, media analysis, the politics of oppression, film critique, religious studies, philosophy, four foreign languages etc. and that is all knowledge that I had to work for, and work hard for. I do have a certain measure of authority on all of these subjects over a layperson (to varying degrees), and there are going to be times when i will be more correct than someone who disagrees with me -- but I’ve also absolutely experienced people talking over that specialized knowledge because of who I am, which is, to be clear. extremely infuriating and hurtful. like, i have cried so much about it in the last 18 months. people see my racial and cultural identity before they see anything else, which is understandable to a degree, but upsetting when it becomes the basis for how my work is judged, whether positive or negative. i don’t want you to trust me blindly because i’m abc. I want to you to trust me because you have examined my work critically and judged it to be trustworthy!

so i guess this is getting into the strongly disagree part of the answer: i’ve been speaking a lot with other diaspora fans lately, and it’s been simultaneously hugely relieving and also really saddening. relieving because oh thank god someone else Gets It, and saddening because pretty much all of us, no matter what kind of diaspo we are (north american, european, SEA, taiwanese etc), we’ve all experienced a lot of pressure in this fandom, from non-Chinese, Chinese, and other diaspora fans alike. we’re all acutely aware that we are not modao’s intended audience because being diaspora vs being “from the mainland” or whatever, are actually quite different things, but modao still feels close to home. even if it was not written FOR us it is still familiar to us.

and, because so many of us are multilingual and multicultural, we end up being the bridge between the “actual” chinese fandom and the english-speaking fandom, which is largely made up of non-chinese. (sidenote: I hate it when people say things about being “actually” any identity because it’s almost always for the exact reason you brought up: to use heritage as street cred. it’s like damn, being “actually” chinese doesn’t make ur opinions any less rank. sure you might be “actually” chinese, but do you have basic reading comprehension and literary criticism skills? no? ok then sit your ass back down) many of us are most comfortable in english! so we produce our content in english! but we also DO often have a somewhat privileged access to the culture that underlies mdzs and can explain it in a language that other non-Chinese fans can understand. so it’s not surprising that people flock to us for answers to their cultural questions. and like. if we think we know the answer, it’s natural for us to try and help. this is fandom! we’re here to have fun and find community! and it is definitely a little bit nice to have my culture treated as something desirable for once instead of just like. a weird exotic curiosity that no one really cares too deeply about. and, since a lot of us are able to do things that non-Chinese fans can’t (research in chinese, for example. ask family members for help and more information etc.) we end up just having more information to share.

I think this sometimes results in a tendency for fandom at large to put heritage/diaspo fans on pedestals and tout them as authorities (or use our conflicting viewpoints as ammunition in fandom drama) when the diaspo in question have repeatedly stated that they should not be taken as authorities on something -- and then, once you reach critical mass, your reputation starts to precede you, and I think there’s a lot of misconceptions of how a lot of diaspo act in this fandom simply because of that phenomenon. most of us know that we’re not ultimate arbiters of some kind of cultural gateway, and it can be very tiring both to be treated as such when we insist we are not, and then punished by other people who assume that we acted like we were.

i don’t think there’s a benefit in trying to keep en fandom and cn fandom totally separate, and I also think it’s unfair to consider the cn fandom the “real” fandom. i think that way lies deeper misunderstandings, gatekeeping, etc. i think we can definitely acknowledge the differences between them, but i think trying to make meaningful connections between fandom circles is really valuable! i don’t think i’ve ever made it a secret that modao is my first cmedia fandom? so it’s also the first time i’ve had reason to interact with chinese fandom, which has been super enlightening and interesting! i’ve made some super cool friends and learned a lot about how fandom works in china, how it’s similar and how it differs from the fandom i’m familiar with.

and then, kind of circling back around, there’s also a bit of a sense like, okay, so if diaspo don’t belong in the CN fandom, but we can’t talk about our own culture with some degree of confidence in EN fandom, then like..... where do we go...? if we see EN fandom doing something that contradicts our cultural knowledge, do we just. not say anything? do we not count unless we’ve already ingratiated ourselves to CN fandom? that’s probably where the core of my strong disagreement comes from, because criticism of diaspora fans as like, acting above their station so to speak, feels just like a tired continuation of the same shit we’ve had to deal with for our whole lives, being told we’re not good enough for anywhere and that we should just be quiet and keep our heads down and get over it. that our opinions, despite coming from a unique perspective with a unique relationship to the subject in question, are less valid or real than “actual” chinese people, you know? and sometimes i see that and im like lmfao just sneer at me for being jook-sing and leave then if you’re so eager to think of me as lesser.

so yeah, basically im of a few minds: true! diaspora fans don’t get to throw their weight around just because they’re diaspo. they don’t get carte blanche to act like bullies or try to shape the fandom to their own personal liking and crusade against people who disagree with them. they don’t get to pretend their heritage makes them superior to everyone else, and i think western diaspora especially need to be careful when asserting any kind of moral lens over the text to acknowledge that we have our own biases to interrogate. i am not immune.meme etc. on the other hand, this vein of criticism tends to put all diaspo in a bit of a double-bind, and also, however unintentionally, plays into the general, continuous trend of dismissing diaspora for being diaspora, and i’m really not about that. i don’t think that’s the motivation behind opinions like this, but i do think that when the basis for the argument hinges on the idea that diaspora are not “real” chinese, no matter how much I too have beef with certain diaspora fans, the argument needs to be revisited. 

(ko-fi)

🍵 ((un)popular) opinions meme