#and all i need is so much fucking specialist therapy

[spiltcandycoatedpunkblood]

I cannot tell you how much I want D*pp fucking dead. He's going to Spain for a talk show where Amber and her little girl are in a safe place. I need him suffering and miserable and most of all, fucking DEAD.

[naamahdarling]

.

[copperbadge]

How did you find the doctor(s) who assessed you for ADHD? Im looking into the process of getting diagnosed because (although ive suspected I might have adhd for years now) I've been struggling a lot more lately and i want to try medication to see if it helps at all. Im trying to search for psychiatrists through my health insurance portal but the the results im getting are all for child/adolescent psychiatry specialists, and I dont think that'll be much help for an adult adhd assessment? Did you have an established therapist to refer you for your assessment or were you able to find a psychiatrist independently?

I actually just kind of had to freeform it, but that does mean I have some tips to share!

I will say, I have never once used a health insurance portal to find someone to treat me for anything. Often their search engine is fucked up and the information is sometimes out of date. I almost always either ask someone who I know has had similar issues if they have a recommendation, ask my treating physician if I have one, or just google until I find someone reputable-looking; any qualified medical center or professional will list what insurance they take anyway, and you can always ask when you make the appointment.

So here's the process for how to do that!

When I was first considering it, I asked a friend who'd had an evaluation that came back not-ADHD, which I liked because it meant we knew it wasn't like, a weird Adderall pill mill or something. I really wanted to have a professional and thorough evaluation because I knew myself and knew I was capable of gaming a questionnaire. The place she had her evaluation was unfortunately having some staffing issues; part of the reason it took me so long is that I played phone tag with them for ages -- I'd call, and regardless of what time of day I called, their scheduler would be "out", so I'd leave a message and never get a call back. Ultimately I said "I really need to talk to a human, because your scheduler has not returned any of my numerous calls" and they said they could transfer me to another office outside of Chicago (in the burbs). That was not going to be accessible to me, so I told them thanks but I'll go somewhere else. Then COVID hit and I was not going to go anywhere near a medical center unless I had to for about two years.

So, when I was making my second serious run at getting evaluated, I did what might be expected of me by longtime readers of this blog: I made a spreadsheet.

I want to caveat this up top with REALLY IMPORTANT CONTEXT: I did not do all of this in a single day. The process from starting research to making an evaluation appointment took about a month, and probably would have taken longer if I wasn't getting somewhat desperate. Do not push yourself to do this as a single act. Research alone is a multi-day process; some days I looked at the open tabs and only entered one tab's worth of information. It took me quite a bit of time to write the form email I sent inquiring about an assessment. It took me time to call the clinic back when they asked me to call to book the appointment. This is a series of steps, not a single leap.

So!

I was looking for a clinic rather than an individual, in part because I'd heard a couple of horror stories about people who went to a psychiatrist and just got argued with for an hour instead of actually getting evaluated. So I googled, and here are some key terms for you, chicago adult adhd assessment. Chicago obviously for the region, but "adult adhd" (putting it in quotes will help) is the important term that will help you filter out a lot of child psych stuff. A lot of what I looked at did included family or child assessment/therapy but were clear that they also evaluated adults.

Then I went through every legit-looking search result and noted down, in my spreadsheet, the name of the clinic/company, the contact phone and email, the URL, the physical location (I needed to be able to get to it fairly easily) and whether they took my insurance. Even if they didn't take my insurance (all but one did) I still put them into the spreadsheet so that if I found them again I could check the sheet and know I didn't need to investigate further. I also tended to bump more legitimate and friendly-looking places to the top of the sheet. And if I were going to do it again I would also look for one specific thing, which is an assessment guide of some kind.

The assessment guide may be something they only give you after you speak with them, so it's not a no-go if they don't have one on their website, but it basically tells you what generally will go on during the assessment, how long it will take, and what you should bring. A full assessment like I had is estimated to take 4-6 hours and they recommended I wear layers so I wouldn't be overly cold/warm in their office, and to bring a snack. That's the kind of information you want, duration of the assessment and what they recommend for you, to ensure that you're working with people who are thorough and care about your comfort.

So, I have this spreadsheet now of places to reach out to, which I know take my insurance and do adult assessment. In the spreadsheet I also had columns for what date I contacted them and whether they'd responded. I started reaching out via email, one per day, with the form email I'd written.

The form email basically said "I'm 42 with no previous diagnosis but I have a family history of autism and dyslexia. I've been told I should get assessed for ADHD, so I'm looking for a clinic that will do the assessment and takes (my insurance). I prefer to be contacted by email but if need be, my phone number is (phone number). Please let me know if you have any open appointments and what information you will need from me to book an evaluation with you." (You can always ask for more information about the actual evaluation process once they respond.)

If I didn't get a response within 24 hours, I moved on to the next, but I only greyed out the text in that line of the spreadsheet; I didn't disqualify/remove the nonresponsive ones because again, I wanted to make sure I kept that information in case they eventually did respond. I did this with about ten clinics, because I figured I must be able to find at least one in ten who could do the eval, and I could go back and research more if necessary.

I think the third or fourth one I reached out to was the first to respond, and I ended up going with them; I had a very positive experience in the assessment itself but it was a real pain in the ass getting the documentation from them -- they took about a month to go through the evaluation data (this is not abnormal but is rather longer than usual according to my psychiatrist) and they gave me an in-person-by-zoom report once it was ready. That said, it took another four months and the threat of reporting them to the state to get them to send me the text of the eval (in part because the evaluator left the clinic unexpectedly with my formal report not yet written). But that's something that's truly impossible to know until you're working with them, and highly unusual, so don't let concerns about that deter you. If you end up in that situation come hit me up and I'll tell you how I dealt with that.

My eval recommended an executive function coach, but if I haven't been able to func it by now I never will, so I thanked them for the recommendation and went looking for a psychiatrist unaffiliated with the clinic to prescribe me meds. There, the key words you're going to be looking for are again "adult adhd" but also "adult disability" and if you want medication that's less likely to be a huge fucking hassle, "medication management". My psychiatrist and I meet every two months to reup my prescription, but he doesn't require me to take a regular drug test or meet him in person in order to get a new scrip, as some people have encountered. We meet in person once or twice a year (I can't remember, it's due to a legal requirement in Illinois) but otherwise it's over zoom.

So yeah -- it's a process, but there are ways to streamline and manage it, and a few tripwires in place to make sure you don't end up screwed by the system. Definitely feel free to ask if you have questions, either here or if you want a more indepth conversation you can email me at copperbadge@gmail.com. GOOD LUCK!

[torialefay]

maybe this is too niche but the most random thoughts keep popping into my head?? idk but i must share them.

these are the types of doctors i think stray kids would be, based on different doctors' stereotypes (from the pov of a medical student):

chan: sports medicine 🏀⚽️

• description: physicians with training in areas related to treating and preventing injuries and health issues associated with sports, exercise, or strenuous physical activity

• stereotype: athlete-turned-doctor. the less extreme brother of the orthopedic specialists. get to meet a wide range of people and are well-liked. very passionate about sports and physical health. dress really nice and know their ass looks great in their tight pants. probably has memorized all the stats of their favorite teams. ACTUALLY very intelligent and not just a meat head.

minho: forensic pathologist 🩸

• description: subspecialist in pathology whose area of special competence is the examination of persons who die suddenly, unexpectedly or violently. The forensic pathologist is an expert in determining cause and manner of death.

• stereotype: honestly just leave them tf alone. they just wanna do their thing... without you there, just come find them when they've figured it out. nice but also scarred forever. a little fucked up in the head but much needed. no one understands how they're able to do their job tbh. able to conjure up the most morbid situations. kinda freaky but in a respected way. you should be concerned if they stare at you for too long.

changbin: orthopedist (aka orthopedic surgeon aka "ortho bro") 🦴

• description: medical specialist who focuses on injuries and diseases affecting your musculoskeletal system (bones, muscles, joints and soft tissues). although this type of doctor is a surgeon, they often help people get relief with nonsurgical therapies.

• stereotype: the "bro"est of the bros. always talking about their new workout routine or equipment with the other ortho bros. will out-eat you any day of the week. probably has a hot spouse. will be blasting their workout playlist for hours on end in the operating room. honestly just want to do surgeries so they can play with the tools. could fight off an entire army with the amount of protein powder they consume on the daily.

hyunjin: dermatologist 💉

• description: medical doctor who specializes in conditions that affect the skin, hair, and nails.

• stereotype: distinguished and better than you. better than everyone else. can be nice, but can also be cold depending in the person. only uses the best hair products. the specialty is very competitive, but you're 99% sure they got in with pretty privilege. owns 7 cars, but their sunday car is their favorite. sells $90 moisturizer at the check-in counter. most definitely is also certified in botox and filler and will give you a discount on your injections if you compliment them enough.

han: psychiatrist 💆🏻

• description: medical doctor who can prescribe, direct, or administer psychotherapeutic treatments or medications to treat mental, emotional, or behavioral disorders.

• stereotype: actually does give a fuck about you. you can tell them the most fucked up shit and they honestly will not be surprised in the slightest. quirky to a fault. knows how to make you feel special. very #relatable. sacrifices their own mental health for the sake of yours. cannot do math. just wants world peace. mentally diagnoses everyone they meet with a personality disorder.

felix: gynecologist 👛

• description: physician who specializes in diagnosing and treating diseases of the female reproductive system.

• stereotype: will be kind to you and work for the promotion of women's health. never makes you feel uncomfortable and tries to make you feel more secure in an environment that can seem scary. has very expensive bags. their children are very successful, but in a humble way. emotionally intelligent. wishes they had more time to bake. an advocate. seem sweet, but if you cross them, they can drag you through the absolute mud. may or may not have a rhinestone cup collection.

seungmin: general surgeon 🔪

• description: doctor and surgeon who’s trained to diagnose and manage a broad array of medical conditions before, during, and after surgery (preoperative, operative and postoperative care), often as leaders of a team.

• stereotype: literally just trying to get you cut open, close you up, and leave. has 27 different playlists to listen to in the operating room. may or may not flirt with the other staff. got this job bc they cannot handle people telling them what to do. will humble you so quickly. other besties are also surgeons. has very niche interests. weird sense of humor that not everyone gets but they still have to laugh because they are scared of him.

innie: neurologist 🧠

• description: medical doctor who diagnoses, treats and manages disorders of the brain and nervous system.

• stereotype: a little peculiar, but very smart. takes a long time to get an appointment with them. probably thinks you are a little dumb, but tries to be nice anyways. hard to make friends. has an amplitude of medications that they are legally not supposed to have. their children are most definitely overachievers. would not trust you to bring an important dish to the potluck. has the cutest shoes. dabbles in unexpected kinks.

(descriptions gotten from various websites hehe)

[bakudekublogblog]

Katsuki is so fucking sick of hospital rooms. He hates the heavy scent of antiseptic, the too-starchy pillows, the way the bed crackles every time he moves. He hates the white-popcorn walls that he’s forced to stare at through the haze of heavy medication. And he fucking despises the plastic tube shoved up his nose with the quiet, but constant, beeping of several machines keeping tabs on his vitals. Everything about it sucks. The only slightly redeeming quality about this particular hospital stay is that he and Izuku are sharing the same room. Apparently, after Katsuki’s tantrum the last time they both nearly died, the nurses figured it was best for everyone if Izuku was put directly in Katsuki’s line of vision. And so there he is, still knocked out in his hospital bed opposite Katsuki’s. Half his head wrapped in gauze, face swollen with purple bruises, he’s bandaged just about everywhere, but he’s alive. Katsuki is too riddled with pain meds to do much other than stare at him across the room. But at least Izuku is there, hooked up to a heart-monitor, softly proving that he’s still breathing. Which gives Katsuki’s battered heart some much needed relief. 

Izuku still hasn’t woken up, though. Stupid, sleepy bastard. Always fucking sleeping when Katsuki is awake. How the fuck has Katsuki had three surgeries, one of them open-heart surgery, and he’s managing to flit in and out of consciousness, but Izuku is still out like a light? Katsuki thought Izuku swore to surpass him. Why the fuck does he think he can fall behind now? Katsuki scowls at Izuku’s tuft of fluffy green hair. 

Wake up or I’ll kill you , Katsuki vows.

Katsuki knows he’s in love with him. He should have known a long time ago really, but having his heart burst put everything into stark clarity. He can’t deny it now. Not even if he wanted to. The next time Katsuki greets death, he will do so without regrets. There’s so much he needs to make up for; he still has so much atoning left to do. He has to show Izuku he will be better and do right by him. Izuku can’t fucking die before Katsuki has the chance to prove himself. Even if Izuku never loves him back, Katsuki must at least prove that he can be good. That he is worthy of standing at Izuku’s side. 

Days pass and Izuku still doesn’t wake. Katsuki’s pleadings only get more desperate. Usually it’s just in his head, but sometimes, when it’s late at night and no one else is around, Katsuki will murmur to him aloud. 

“You don’t have to forgive me,” Katsuki whispers into the oppressive quiet of their hospital room. Only the soft chime of Izuku’s heart-monitor answers him. “You don’t have to be mine. Just wake up. Don’t make me live in a world without you.” 

Shadows dance as headlights stream through the curtains shading their window, and for a moment Katsuki thinks maybe--- but no. The car passes and Izuku hasn’t stirred. God fucking dammit. Katsuki doesn’t know why he’s surprised: of course Izuku can’t actually hear him. Tears prick at the corners of Katsuki’s eyes anyway. 

It becomes a nightly ritual. Katsuki’s mind is too muddled with medication to make sense most of the time, but at least it gives him something to do. God, he can’t wait until he’s off all this shit and actually, you know, move and whatever. His arm was so bent and twisted when he was admitted that they had to implant metal poles to strengthen it, and fuck if it doesn’t feel weird. Recovery Girl comes by every day to heal him, bit by bit so as not to exhaust his limited energy, and there’s a quirk specialist flying out from the states to repair Katsuki’s damaged muscle. They have assured him that with time and physical therapy he should get all his mobility back, but it gives Katsuki little comfort. He would cut the whole damn limb off if it meant Izuku would just wake up . 

“Please, for me,” Katsuki whispers, one night after a particularly exhausting round of visits from his parents, Izuku’s mom, and All Might. “Just this one thing. Just wake up. I won’t ask for anything else, just be okay.” 

Katsuki must drift off. The concoction of sleep-aids and pain medications dragging him into unconsciousness against his will. He thinks he might be dreaming when he hears ragged breathing and a soft croaky voice. 

“Ka— K’ch’n… Kach—” 

Katsuki jolts awake, his heart-rate spiking and his head spinning. He can’t have— it couldn’t be—

 “ Kacchan… ” 

[READ MORE]

[inkskinned]

i've been in pretty much constant pain for the past 4 months. i have a slipped disc. the mri this weekend finally confirmed what i'd already suspected. mostly, i just put up with it.

i've been in a pretty bad mental space since winter began. my brain is leaking out from between my ears. i just don't care enough to listen to the rabid wet whispering of hope. i'm mostly just bored of being here, the swaddled joyless apathy.

the back pain ebbs and flows, but it's there, so i take care of it. i do my physical therapy. i get in with a specialist. i'm lucky - there's no immediate need for surgery. it's bad, but it could be worse. when i talk about how i did it (it was a very bad sneeze), i usually start laughing. it's funny! i am never comfortable, but hey. i'm young. i'll bounce back, or so they keep saying.

i just found out it's not normal to wake up every night with a category-five panic attack. i'm lucky if i am still able to remember how to spell my name right. i spend my days in a weird blank haze, exhausted, desperate for respite - only to be unable to rest during the night. i say with a laugh - i really hate it when my mental illnesses start working together. i mean, sure. unionize. it's fine. i have lost all sense of myself. there's nowhere that's actually warm in my mind.

i feel bad how often i complain about my back. my friends immediately shush my apology. dude, you slipped a disc. continue complaining.

as a kid, i think i only really admitted to the bad things... twice. for some reason, when he didn't just dismiss it - it made my dad angry. he slammed a door at me. you're fucking ungrateful. what do you have to be sad for?

what an odd delight: the slipped disc gave me the oddest wave of relief. i'm allowed to actually hurt about this thing.

i have chronic conditions which aren't "real" things. i could write a novel on the weird ways people respond to my POTS & the rest of my fun physical acronyms. i am kind of ashamed to admit - i like the way it feels to be able to say well, because of a slipped disc. a slipped disc is a real thing. a slipped disc is serious and painful. there's diagrams and infographics about slipped discs. upon my diagnosis, they immediately offered me narcotics.

i haven't been able to get up out of bed for more than a few hours. i do less and less and less and less. i have started to sit down in the shower. sighing my way from deadline to deadline. this again. in one day and out the other. people tell me i don't really need my meds. i have run out of times saying i have depression, it's become almost transparent. it's so bad my therapist suggested meeting more than once a week, but i don't want to worry her, so i never finish setting up a second meeting. every creative spark in my soul has been entirely ravaged - but that's just capitalism, baby. i don't even take the day off of work. i just show up and do a bad job and get yelled at for it.

it's not real, after all. the pain is just imagined.

[petrenocka]

Maybe that's a hot take, but I do think Wrathion being absent in Legion is a great writing choice.

Sure, entirely sidestepping the character who self-fulfilling prophecy-ed the expansion into being might seem silly, but for Wrathion's own ark it makes perfect sense.

Because at this point Wrathion is absolutely convinced that Azeroth is doomed. His plans to muster an army capable of dealing with The Burning Legion could not have been more of a failure. He has every reason to believe that his vision of the end is guaranteed to come true and that he is the cause of it. Just from him touching the problem, even with the best intentions it got worse in every way.

That's entirely too much to take in for a person who's entire purpose is proving to the world and more importantly to himself, that his nature and heritage is NOT that of a world ending monster.

Not going to lie, big mood checking out of trying after fucking up so bad it reinforces every single doubt you have about your worth.

This is exasperated by Wrathions self perception as a ""smart guy who sees the reality for what it is"". When you conclude with certainty by using cold facts and logic that you are a failure, are always wrong and break everything you touch, a depressed mind won't catch the contradiction between "I'm always wrong" and "my self assessment is correct".

Not only does Wrathion's pride feed his faith in his doom prophecy, the irreversibility if his mistake. It most definitely makes him completely unpreceptive to the possibility that whatever he is currently thinking bout himself may not be true.

Makes sense why Wrathion would be paralyzed in a dark corner somewhere the entire expansion.

But then the unthinkable happens: mortals beat The Burning Legion, and we beat it so hard Fell is now more or less off the multiverse politics chart for the time being. We kill a Titan for god's sake!

Which for Wrathion was probably such a relief and, barrirring actual therapy, exactly what he needed. Not only could he rejoice that his mistake literally wasn't the end of the world, it meant his prophecy was wrong. More importantly here he has the best possible proof that mortals of Azeroth can stand up for themselves. That he doesn't need to be the one hero to save the day, but that perhaps just participating in the process is enough.

My headcanon is that it was enough to let Wrathion put himself back together somewhat and after climbing out of that hole he jumped into Void research as an outlet/distraction. Hence why he is suddenly the best specialist on protection against Old God corruption in VoN.

And after all of that Wrathion gets character development that allows him to be content with playing a secondary role in defeating N'Zoth. He was invaluable yes, but he allowed us to take center stage, puts his trust in us to do our thing. And in my opinion self isolation and paranoia/need for control where the main things that left Neltarion vulnerable to old god influence.

Which makes it so neat that this is how Wrathion finally gets an oh so needed W. As well as quite literally allows black dragons to return ro Azeroth.

[punkboyjack]

The shit lie of SRS in Iran

So it's a something stuck in my brain ( and my life ) that I think people need to know about it is the thing about LGBTQ+ people in Iran especially T because I'm trans and it's little too much complicated in iran

Bing trans in Iran has some benefits in look but it's a lie

We are known as mentally ill people

We have the same problems as any other LGBTQ+ person in the world but with a higher rate

Most of the time, they give strong psychedelic drugs and hormones to trans children ( or just LGBT childrens )

And I was so paranoid about it that I wouldn't take any of the psychiatrists' pills when I was depressed (my parents don't know that I just got better somehow and no one doubt about it)

The Iranian government also monitors online transgender communities, often subjecting them to censorship, and police routinely arrest trans people

Unfortunately most Iranian parents like boys so trans woman's are badly treated almost 92% of trans women in Iran faced verbal or emotional violence and over 70% had faced physical violence

And the rate of murder and attempted suicide among trans people in Iran is high (mostly trans women).

and that really sad bcz one of the trans woman's that a used to know have Ben send to who knows where for the military training by her dad because ( HE was not man enough)

1_pre surgery is hell : we go on a all girl / all boy schools and I think it's like Catholic schools over there

And people don't respect us we mostly have problem finding friends we don't have the From the social point of view, it is almost impossible to identify ourselves as transgender because the government has strictly separated men and women. I didn't really know what my problem was until I was 13 years old

Worst and most important part is telling our parents that we are trans and they should support us because all the work of the license is done with the consent of the family and even one of Iranian actors (Maziar Lorestani) had to wait 56 years until his father passed away and he was finally able to take HRT just think about it you are a 56 years old person a total mature and you can't do it without your father permission and don't forget they are totally free to rather kill you or throw you at the streets to rot

2_ the surgery is chipper here (it's a lie ) -> we spent Soo much money and time ( and mental health) on permission to do surgery and most of people who do this surgeries are not even have expertise in this work And they have long-term side effects that are not good at all

first submitted to a long and invasive process

including virginity tests ( idk whyyy)

formal parental approval ( I told you)

, psychological ( it's just the worst part you can't imagine how terrible this psychologists are )

inspection by the Family Court ( like a god damn criminal )

If we don do the HRT step by step we are basically nothing to them and Thay don't give a fuck about us unless we did something wrong or something and then we are basically dead as hell

Like let's say you are a heterosexual trans men who don't want to do a surgery and you have girlfriend who loves you and respect's you

Will no you don't you are just a lesbian to them and will if they found out what's between your legs you and your gf are going to be executed I'm not joking

3_After surgery, is hard as hell : discrimination, from the law, the state, and from the people around us

Given the lowest quality of hormone therapy, we usually do not have reliable sources for it . Surgery under the hands of non-specialists causes dangerous side effects, and if we are imprisoned, we will no longer get hormones

And not so fun fact : Most of the gay people in Iran are recognized as transgender and they have to tell us about the process because otherwise they will be executed. For the government, changing their gender of poor gay people shows a better face than killing them

And yeah rest of your gay life you are just unfortunate person stuck in a person of your own body

Bruh I read it all over and I'm not even close to the realty it's too much

[queenwendy]

Sometimes I get morbidly curious and scroll through the terf tag (bad idea) and half the time it makes me sad but the other half it makes me laugh my ass off because like… they seem to think anybody can walk into a doctor’s office, declare “I am trans!” And just get sex reassignment surgery??? Like, what???? That isn’t how that works at all

I’m a trans woman in the western US, and I am lucky enough to have A) supportive family and B) really fucking good healthcare through my family. To be clear, if you do not have A and especially if you do not have B good fucking luck getting blockers, much less hormones or dear god surgery! It’s nigh impossible!

In early 2018 when I was almost 15, I came out to my parents. Immediately I was put in therapy (that had more to do with the depression and suicidal ideation I experienced while in the closet than being trans). While social transition (different name, different clothes) happened pretty quickly, it wasn’t until my mental health stuff was dealt with that my therapist and doctor, both on the trans youth specialist team, started talking HRT.

The first step was puberty blockers. To get that approved I not only needed parent permission and a ton of forms, I was all but required to bank sperm (as a 15 year old!) and I had to socially transition and meet a bunch of WPATH requirements (I actually like WPATH a lot, to be clear) and wait through a months long waiting list just to get an appointment with a psychiatrist, who then asked me a bunch of questions (he was nice, I do not remember the questions, this was years ago) to ensure I didn’t have some other problem. After passing that, I got a prescription for nogonadotropin as a puberty blocker.

From the time I first told doctors I was trans to the time I had my first blockers shot, a little over 6 months had passed. To be clear, in the US, that’s fast. In the UK? That’s impossibly fast.

It then took another 6 months of blood test, questioners, meetings with my doctor and my parents and my therapists before I was finally cleared for estradoil tablets. 1 mg/day. I got them nearly on the year to the day from when I came out. I was nearly 16

Again, that is crazy fast.

Within a year and a half my estradoil doseage had increased to 6mg/day and I was on 100mg/day of progesterone as well. Eventually that became 200mg/day. Years later I switched from estradoil tablets to estradoil shots.

The entire time I have seen the same therapist, not just for trans healthcare but also mental health stuff. I got SSRIs for anxiety, got an ADHD diagnosis, etc.

In fall of 2022 (I was 19), I reached out to my doctor to say I wanted bottom surgery. We had talked about doing it before, but I had always said “I don’t know if I’m ready.” I was unsure. And even though I could have gotten at least an orchiectomy after I turned 16 if I really wanted to (with parental permission and I am sure so much medical red tape I would have been an adult by the time it happened), I never wanted it. My doctors were surprised I wanted it, so were my folks.

I had to meet with my therapist several times, coordinate with a social worker, and get 2 or 3 letters of recommendation from doctors. Then I needed to unravel who and what my insurance cost and find surgeons I wanted to consult with. That took MONTHS. It wasn’t until fall of 2023, a full year later, that I was FINALLY was able to schedule with two of the three surgeons I wanted (we’ll get to that third one in a bit).

It is now the last days of august 2024. I had my first consultation, which was out of state, earlier this month. It went well. If I had scheduled a surgery date right then and there, there would have been a year long wait time. Which again, is a very very small wait time. I didn’t though, because I wanted to consult with other surgeons and I knew that would be smack in the middle of graduate school.

My second consultation (which, ugh, I need to do some phone calls for to figure out transportation!) is in a few months. The third one? I’m still on a waiting list to GET A CONSULTATION.

To be clear, neither my parents nor my doctors ever pressured me into anything. My folks were completely blindsided when I came out and had basically no idea how to proceed besides using a different name. My doctors always said “well, here’s your options and all the risks. You want that? Okay, think on it for a month and we’ll discuss next steps at our next appointment.” All of this was my choice. Mine. And they never tried to stop me either, just make sure I was being safe and following procedure.

Both my younger sister and my cousin on my mom’s side are trans as well. Considering we have several blood relatives on that side of the family who are also LGBTQ+ going back at least to the 1940s, assume there’s a genetic predisposition for it. Both my sister and my cousin have had a lot harder of a time getting HRT, even though my sister has the same insurance, same provider, same psychologist as me (idk what my cousin’s insurance situation is).

Odds are, I will have my graduate degree (environmental engineering) before I undergo surgery. Maybe even before I have a date for undergoing surgery. If all goes well, I graduate in may 2026. I’ve agreed with my girlfriend that once we graduate in 2026 if we’re still together I’ll feel comfortable getting engaged, so it’s very possible that I will be fucking married before I get SRS. Y’know, assuming it isn’t outlawed or anything.

When I was 14, I figured out I was a girl. Without talking to anybody, I knew I wanted a female body and that the puberty I was going through wasn’t right. Looking back, there were times I almost knew when I was 11, when I was 7, when I was only 3. At that age, I considered “surgery is something I might do when I’m older. I dunno. Right now I have crippling depression and cheat dysphoria, I really just want to be called the right name and pronouns and have HRT.”

I am now 21. I haven’t undergone any surgeries in that time, at all (except wisdom teeth removal ig. Does that count?). I have had one (1) SRS consultation, and the soonest I could get surgery is a year from now, but odds are it will be in two years. Maybe three even.

There is no epidemic of children being told they are trans and getting surgeries. That doesn’t fucking happen. If you’re really worried about kids getting unnecessary surgery look into the weird world of rich white girls getting facelifts and breast enlargement surgeries and stuff. At no doctor’s office in this country can you walk in with one set of genitals and walk out with another at the drop of a hat. There is a YEARS long medical process that happens before a consultation is even scheduled. And before that there is a trans person’s entire earlier life of doubt and questioning and fear and pain.

[vintagexherry]

New idea, probably a bad one (1)

IronMan!Nathan Bateman x Reader

//Iron Man AU,None, not proof read

A/N: that was hell of a writer's block and this is all I came up with?

□■□■

Nathan Bateman are many things.

Rich (ridiculously so)

Philosophical (in his own way)

Smart (even if his head seems to lose a few screws)

And last but not least.

Stubborn.

Ridiculously so.

"I am employed to assist your technological work, not babysit you." You said, trying hard to bite back a groan as you grip your tablet in one hand and clench a fist on the other.

The bright, flourescent lights of the man's workshop give you a throbbing headache, and you can't help but wish you didn't take up the promotion offer.

Speaking of the man...

Nathan spins his chair to face you, his eyes carrying bags that make him look like he needs a vacation (which you offered and didn't work), yet his body is up and going working on a new piece of tech as if his previous one didn't try to kill him.

"Well.... Shouldn't have taken that promotion offer." He scoffs and spins back to continue twisting and turning his screwdriver.

And you hold back to throwing your tablet at the back of his head.

One year ago, you worked under BlueBook company as a simple IT specialist. That was until you got called to suddenly work with as an supporting assistant to Nathan Bateman himself. The CEO, The Boss.

And the man who almost got killed.

You remember seeing it the news. Nathan Bateman and his Turing test winner, Caleb. Found injured at his isolated mansion.

Stabbed and the other one traumatized.

Not much was revealed in the news, and it left billions of people questioning what could have stabbed Nathan and what is Caleb ranting about a female robot killer.

As Nathan heals up in the hospital, the police tried to investigate his house but alas, couldn't get far due to security measures and those goddamn card you have to scan for every room you need to get in.

Months after that, Nathan healed up, Caleb is in therapy, and you are promoted to be his little assistant.

Were you excited?

Maybe

Did you get suspicious once the job offer also need you to sign an NDA?

Maybe.

You tried not to question it. All eyes are still on Nathan after the incident, and an NDA is the least they could do to protect him from the public.

But you could at least get a warning that your new boss is a asshole.

"Yeah I went through your work, your smart, I need that."

He said as he unwraps his boxing wraps and drinks water as he stares you down.

"Oh uh... Thanks sir...?"

"Nuh uh, none of that. Just Nathan."

"Alright... Nathan..."

Working with him wasn't the easiest at first, especially since he's still recovering both mentally and physically. But your determined to make this job at least worth while.

There were hiccups along the way but you swallowed it down like a champ and went along with it.

Little by little, working with Nathan got easier.

yet still a fucking headache

"When your done complaining, get me a coffee."

"No"

He spins his chair again.

"No?"

"No."

Nathan stares at you for awhile.

Then sighs.

"If this is about my bedtime, I didn't hire a nanny"

"Exactly, yet what Im doing could be similar to that right now."

Before he could snark back, you cut him off.

"It's five in the morning and your running on caffeine and tweaking that blue thing."

"It-"

"I know, I know. The Arc Reactor....But Nathan... Your body is still healing and you need to focus on that right now before making a new one."

"You don't get it. That shit is out there parading as a human and who knows, manipulating and killing the shit out of others."

Ah yes.

That 'shit'

After several months working under him, he finally revealed things to you in one drunken night.

The next morning, you talked to him about it, and he visibly winced. You assure him that you won't tell a soul (under NDA and your own willingness) about the things he had said and offered help. His slightly relaxed but agreed.

But right now, he's being the most uncooperative little shit right now.

"Yes. Ava is out, doing god knows what god knows who, but I've been monitoring every news outlet right there and even went far to check any suspicious airplane passenger to see if she went out of the country. Im doing my part to help you, so god help me you atleast go to sleep!" You huff as you raise your voice a bit.

Nathan stares at you, visibly contemplating if he should listen to you or not.

Yes, you do your part to help

but that little Ava shit is still out there.

He should rename her to little shit.

You stare back at Nathan, watching his facial features change bit to bit.

"Fine." After a few moments, he finally spoke. "You owe me."

"Yea, yea, I'll get you your favourite whiskey for dinner." You said, trying to hold back a smile as you watch him drop his tools and stand up and walk past you to the elevator.

As you watch him get it, you let out a sigh.

Finally he listened.

You turn back to his work table, seeing the Arc Reactor laying down on the table. You remember the happiness both you Nathan felt after figuring the perfect material to build that thing for.

You look around the workshop and see several part of metal, some look like an arm and some a leg.

You can't help but feel fond about the moments the both of you went through to get this much progress.

You sighed once more and turned around to close the lights and head to the elevator.

The both of you procured old and new ideas together, even if their bad.

------

A/N: yea im back might make part 2

[hismercytomyjustice]

Today’s therapy session went a little like this…

Therapist: You have to feel and acknowledge your feelings.

Me: no, 💖

But in all seriousness… Yet again found myself being like “Yay, the OCD spirals have been almost nonexistent lately!”

Only to, in the middle of talking to her about something, realize “…oh shit, my drive for perfectionism is another OCD spiral isn’t it..?”

My Therapist: ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧

GODDAMMIT.

But I also found out last week (when I finally saw a psychiatrist at my therapist and doctor’s behest) that the typical dose for OCD of my current meds is 2-3x higher than what I’ve been on for the past like two years. Apparently that dose was more suited to “generalized anxiety” and not, in fact, for “OCD brain ghosts.”

So that’s getting bumped up. And my Adderall is probably going to get bumped up too. It hasn’t been doing much for me for a while now and I’m on a really low dose for it.

The psychiatrist also said we need to figure out whether or not I have autism because that’s going to greatly impact what she prescribes. Basically she wants to help me rather than medicate my brain into submission lol. Which I def appreciate!

I also met with the autism specialist my therapist recommended (whaaaat having OCD means you’re more likely to have autism???) who kept asking me things and was just giving me very “uh huh” looks the whole time accompanied by “Yes, that’s an autistic trait. That too. And that.”

But like, she’s asking me questions to sort out stuff like special interests and I’m just like what qualifies as a special interest and not a hyperfixation or a normal amount of interest? What is a normal amount of interest?

Same with questions like “are you a picky eater.” Like, what does that mean? By whose standards? What is the scale we’re working with here?

It does not help that a good chunk of my family and friends bare minimum at least have ADHD. Because I’m sitting there comparing myself to them and I’m pretty sure it’s a bit of a “Spiders Georg” situation.

Like…what is a normal amount of research when it comes to things you’re interested in? Because I don’t know everything about Mount Everest. But for like a month or so there, I was trying to learn everything I could about it. Wouldn’t that be a hyperfixation then? But I only eased up because I wasn’t coming across much in the way of new info, so IDK.

Same for like…what is considered a normal amount of liking a particular piece of media? Doesn’t everyone have stuff they enjoy and want to learn more about? And like…there are plenty of people who know more about POTO than I do. Not among my immediate friends and family, but I’ve seen them out on the internet. I know they exist.

What’s an ADHD level of sensory issues vs an autism level? And what’s an OCD level of liking things to be the same way vs an autism level? (╯°□°）╯

She can’t give me a formal diagnosis, as she does more like…autistic life coaching, but she did say she has someone she recommends for full blown testing if I want to get a second opinion, so that’s something I can consider.

It would just be the bee’s knees if my OCD didn’t keep sending me into spirals over this. I have had multiple qualified people tell me I probably have it now, and the ONE person who I got an actual assessment from (who never met me because she was just the assessor’s supervisor) is the only one who’s like “eh, not enough.”

Which just keeps sending me in “it’s not autism, it’s just the perfect combo of OCD and ADHD to make people think you have autism” loops.

God it’s so fucking annoying being in my brain sometimes.

Most times.

All the time.

But hopefully over the next few weeks I can get a solid answer on that front one way or another so I can stop ruminating on it. Whaaat reassurance seeking behavior??? In this economy?!

[sysmedsaresexist]

Question about the fear of demedicalization of plurality and your opinions on if it's a real concern or just used in fear mongering within syscourse.

I feel like like a good therapist isn't going to care if your system is real or not. They are only going to care if it's causing distress or if it is helping you.

So i'm a little confused and perhaps a little nieve on how endogenic systems are pushing towards demedicalization when the focus shouldn't be on if something is real or not, and is instead looking at how it affects you? If there is even a small number of people negatively affected, then it should still be a medical concern.

But, my opinions aside, I overall just want to know if there is legitimate concern over demedicalization, and if so, what are they, and how can people help to avert that risk without invalidating the lived experiences of endogenic systems?

As someone active in clinical circles, and with access to proper libraries,

This isn't something you need to worry about.

It was my biggest fear. I had so much anxiety around doctors being "duped" by this endogenic nonsense, and it pushed me back into my old circles to investigate.

This doesn't need a big long debunk of a response.

I promise you, doctors aren't being fooled, they're just as certain as I am that these are generally different concepts.

Obviously, there'll be people in the middle. I fucking HATE Schwartz, I don't like the way he compares CDDs and IFS. Thankfully, many other doctors feel the same way I do. It's not the same. And this is true for endogenic plurality, as well.

One of my big fears was that this would send us back into sociocognitive (fantasy) territory, but... nope. It's not happening. Instead, research has expanded to include more factors in the development of DID (biopsychosocial), without being able to account for all cases. It's recognized that the concepts only overlap in a small number of cases.

Another fear I had was that it would be brought back to transgender issues. In the general public, yes, but clinically, no! The discussion of plurality, sexuality, and gender identity are incredibly complex, it's ALWAYS been an issue for CDD systems, and the growth of endogenic systems has actually given the field a push in a very positive direction. Those who are scared to be denied transitioning, this is our ticket. We should want to support this.

In general, DID research continues on as normal. The trauma theory is only being further supported by the day, and endogenic plurality is blossoming into its own category.

I expect we'll also see a spike in specialists over the next few decades, thanks to all the limelight the topics are getting lately.

In therapy, the only change I'm seeing is a more... personal approach being used by therapists. They're a lot more willing to ask about how you identify and how you want to be referred to, what language you prefer. There's some who lean too far one way or the other, but that's always been true, back in the days of MPD-- think of the debate over final fusion vs healthy multiplicity in clinical settings.

The transition period is going to continue to be bumpy, with ideas clashing and overlapping, but I genuinely feel no fear anymore about it, and I believe it'll settle relatively quickly.

Many of the concerns are syscourse talking points that never get elaborated on. Endogenic systems are stealing language and resources, but they can't tell you what words were stolen (most of them weren't stolen) and the resource thing isn't something measurable. Endogenic systems typically don't want dissociative specialists.

Obviously, again, there are still going to be cases of truth-- one of my mods had a therapist that was a bit too plural friendly for their needs, and they had to do some educating to their therapist. I consider these cases to be part of the bumpy transition period. I acknowledge that they happen, but I recognize that it won't be long before everyone is much more educated. Their therapist will now be a much better resource for other CDD systems.

I hope this helps ❤️

[honey-crypt]

☺️I’m back☺️

This is for the Harvey x Cerebral Palsy reader 💕😣

Its called Left Hemiplegia, and preferably I’d like it to be spastic because that’s what I deal with , thank you so much🙏🙏🥺 literally a angel when I saw you do a lot of disability awareness stuff I literally squealed giggled and kicked my feet)

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

a/n: i’m so happy that you’re happy!!! i pride myself on disability awareness, advocacy, and activism haha. anywho, enjoy :3

warning: ableism

★ harvey with a farmer who has spastic left hemiplegia ★

★ harvey has been your biggest advocate and supporter when it comes to living with your disability

★ he gets you connected with the specialists, battles the insurance companies, and helps you get the assistive technology needed to run your farm

★ you have your hard days and it frustrates you deeply, especially since you have a farm to run, but harvey always reassures you that you’re doing your best

★ you often use a walker and getting around the farm can be a pain in the ass but harvey helps you get the layout modified to your needs, such as a ramp for the farmhouse and stable paths

★ harvey does physical therapy with you, not as a doctor but as a partner, encouraging you and looking out for you while you do your exercises

★ he does the exercises with you and combined with aerobics, he gets stronger

★ gets you cute stickers for your walker, such as stickers themed around your favorite shows and favorite color

★ you would think harvey would be too timid to confront ableists but for you?? he becomes an attack dog

★ he doesn’t yell at ableists but rather, he makes them look stupid as fuck

★ “mayor lewis, you shouldn’t undermine (y/n) when your last physical was subpar and they can lift a goat”

★ you can lift a goat on your right side; after all, you depend most on that side of your body

★ loves to hug you, he’s very touchy behind closed doors and he needs a hand or something on you at all times

★ always researches ahead of time if a place is accessible before he takes you there for a date

★ more than happy to work on the farm after marriage, he loves to feed the animals the most

★ harvey loves you and you love harvey, he would go to the ends of the earth for you if you asked

[airokunomega]

Hey guys, I need help.

17M, lifelong depression, bi. I have tried every medication under the sun. None of them have even begun to help. I swear to god, they are sugar pills. I tried to get therapy, but every therapist and psychiatrist I try ditches me after the second or third appointment, straight up doesn't show up, and leaves me waiting with no explanation, nor any messages left to apologise. I've run out of therapists licensed to help in my state. I have diagnosed depression, and almost positively autism and ADHD, however I'll probably never know because every therapist doesn't stay long enough to diagnose me. I mostly play video games, but no matter how much I try I can't enjoy myself, so I tried to become competitive. I mostly play beat saber, and I have for 800 plus hours and 2 years. I'm number 2000 in the world, and have stagnated there for a few months now. Here we are, putting all this work in for something I don't enjoy, and then shmucks who started last month are hitting top 300 like it's fucking nothing. I can't even hit a 500pp play, no matter how much I practice and work. I also work out, 4 times a week, and none of my weights have increased a single pound since I started 4 years ago. I'm still the same 120 pounds I was when I started. I've seen nutritionists, sports specialists and whatnot and none saw any problems. I play aimlabs and Fortnite every day, and I'm still awful at aiming and basically everything else even though I know what I'm supposed to do. I have 6 thousand hours in Minecraft since 2013 and I'm still no good at anything in the game. It's almost like my body doesn't listen to my brain. Caffeine helps a bit, but not as much as I wish it did. I've tried so many different hobbies and given up after months of trying because they didn't make me happy. I stuck with gaming because I hope that the next level, the next rank, the next whatever gives me some kind of satisfaction. I was also kicked out of 3 discord servers that are now big that I helped build from the ground up, most notably being furry legion. I didn't do anything, they were all separate unrelated incidents, and completely took me by surprise. I know this post was kinda all over the place, but I'm just looking for advice. I know how depressed people have reduced neuroplasticity, but this is ridiculous. I'm just hoping to get some "I can relate"s or some advice about what I can do to get some help. I am really struggling to find a reason to keep living.

I appreciate your time, sorry to bother you.

Note: Not proofread, also bad English sorry

[ursafootprints]

room fic? As in The Room? No 😭😭

(but yes I wanna know)

As in Room, the Brie Larson movie! Peter is raised by a villain in a situation similar to the one in that film (confined to a single room and unaware that this isn't normal because he doesn't have any exposure to the outside world) and rescued by the Avengers as a teen, and he ends up in Tony's care. He is very sweet and well-intentioned but also very sexually inappropriate, to Tony's dismay.

(It is... deeply self-indulgent and fucked up and not so much "porn with plot" as "porn with set-up," haha. Snippet with implications of sexual abuse:)

But even with Peter's sweet temperament, even with all of Tony's resources-- the ability to drop everything and take unlimited time off while Peter adjusted, the reinforced gym for Peter to safely test out his powers, the daily therapy, the support team made of the country's top child psychologists and cult deprogrammers and education specialists and pediatricians and every other kind of expert he could possibly need-- Peter had so much to process and learn and unlearn, and Tony didn't feel equipped to handle any of it. Chief among all of it being-- "Nope," Tony said that very first day Peter had been released from the medbay and allowed to go home with him, and he pulled Peter back up off of his knees outside his new bedroom. "Me and you don't do that, kid. That's rule number one." "I just wanted to say thank you," Peter said, confused and awed alike. "This room is-- this is really mine? It's so big!" "It's yours," Tony said, giving the kid a firm pat on the shoulder. "And you can just tell me with words."

Thank you for playing! 💖💖💖

[clara02]

The Christmas Sugar Cookie War.

(Aegon Targaryen x reader)

Previous Chapter

Chapter one: Plan “All I Want for Christmas is Winning” is Afoot.

(Y/N) was starting to regret every decision that led to her crouching behind a bush. She was sure her and Myra looked like low budget spies from a shitty comedy movie. But alas, this is where her stupid desire to win led her.

After two weeks of diving deep into the lives of the Targaryen family, (Y/N) could consider herself a specialist, although she felt more like a creep. It was all courtesy of the Bolton boy, “Greg”. He insisted on giving “lessons” to (Y/N) and Myra inside of his family house, that most definitely looked like a torture dungeon.

Being completely honest, the Bolton boy freaked (Y/N) out. He had too much knowledge over the people of King’s landing, and even if he didn’t, he looked crazy enough to go to the end of the world for information. It was frighting to think what he could do if he wanted to mess anyone’s lives.

But… Oh well. If you are already in hell, why not hug Satan?!

(Y/N) needed the information for her plan to succeed, and Greg not only had the info, but also a crazy desired to see the Targaryen family fucked. So, it all worked out in the end… If you do not consider the therapy that’s totally going to be necessary after the tour of the sinister dungeon.

-You remember what you need to do, right?! – She heard Myra whisper.

-If we had a group chat like I suggested, perhaps I wouldn’t have to try and remember all these little details… - (Y/N) mutters, still pissed about having to crouch behind a bush.

-And leave evidence?! Girl, we don’t want this shit blowing on our faces. – (Y/N) scoffed at that. – Look, it’s very simple. Every day, since his return to King’s Landing, Aegon comes to this particular café and orders a drink. All you have to do is intercept him, make small talk and invite him for the presentation tonight. I’ll be already inside, so once you are done you can come sit with me. It will look like a coincidence. Just play nice and sweet like we rehearsed.

- I feel like a creep. Knowing his schedule and waiting for him in the corner… maybe we should just call it off…

- And waste two weeks of preparation?! – Myra stood up. – I’ll be inside. In the nice warm café! Waiting for you!

She started to dramatically walk away.

-Remember: We are doing this, so YOU get to win! – she said, half screaming, half singing.

And so, (Y/N) was all alone, in the cold, frigid weather, waiting for Aegon Targaryen. Felling her stomach twist and turn just at the thought of the interaction.

She was scared. Even if she considered the Targaryens her biggest nemesis, she still didn’t interact with then, at all. Maybe a few comments, before and after the competition, once a year, but that’s it.

Val, the Lannister girl that was still fuming about Aemond brushing her off on Summer Break, guarantied that Aegon would actually be receptive to any girl that moves. So, maybe, there was no reason to be that nervous. All she had to do was follow the plan and in a week’s time she would be holding a trophy in her hands.

Lost in thought, (Y/N) almost missed the silver head of hair walking on her direction. That was her cue. She took a deep breath and left the comfort of her little bush.

“It will be alright. Just pretend to be busy on your phone. And be nice, and casual, and don’t come out too strong. I’m busy, just distracted. He doesn’t bite… probably. I’m just walking towards the…”

(Y/N)’s scattered train of thought came to an end when she felt herself bump into someone and loose her balance.

A very undignified noise left her mouth as she stopped herself from hitting the ground.

Before she could cease herself, she looked up and was faced with big violet tired eyes, silver hair and a shocked expression.

She could feel a blush creeping in her cheeks and her hands started to shake. She had already fucked up the plan.

-I’m so sorry! – her eyes watered. – I didn’t mean to… I wasn’t paying attention.

Her voice sounded weak and crooked, even to her own ears.

“He hates me already. The plan is done…”

-It’s okay. Really. – the boy said calmly. – No harm done, princess.

He smiled.

She stopped and felt herself breathe. It wasn’t a super flirty smile. No… He was probably just trying to calm her. But still, a smile.

She looked to her side. Behind the glass door, her friend waited. Myra’s face is expectant. She could do this. A lot of meet-cutes started with a bump. It was most definitely Hallmark-approved.

She then made an awkward gesture to the door.

-I’m sorry, I was just trying to… - her voice trailed off.

-Oh. – The boy suddenly springing into action. – After you.

He said while holding the door. She felt her cheeks warming once more.

They enter the cozy café space and quickly join the line. The silence was a little heavy, but not completely uncomfortable. The jazzy music in the ambient calming (Y/N)’s nerves.

-I’m (Y/N), by the way. – She smiled turning her body to face the boy.

-Aegon. – he said, sporting a tired grin. – Do I know you?

-Yes. – she said a little to quickly, cringing a little on the inside. – My family also competes on the Christmas sugar cookie competition. We are normally second place.

He lets an unenthusiastic “Ah” escape his mouth, not seeming particularly interested on the matter.

“Doesn’t like to talk about it. Noted.”

-What can I get you, today?! – the barista interrupts the weird attempt of a conversation.

- I would like a macchiato with lots of foam… and?! – she turned to the boy just a little behind her.

He looked surprised and she gave him a reassuring nod.

-A… ahhm… A peppermint hot chocolate, with two marshmallows. – She could see the tip of his ears going red and thought it was adorable. At first, she would take him for an expresso or a plain americano. But apparently, he was a holiday drink kind of guy. Unexpected, sure, but really cute.

The barista announced the price and (Y/N) quickly reached for her wallet.

-You don’t have to… - he started, but she cut him off.

-As a way of saying “I’m sorry”. I should really start paying more attention.

-Thanks. – he said and she felt herself smile.

While waiting for their drinks, (Y/N) felt herself building the courage to invite him to the presentation tonight. It was a casual thing, he probably already knew about it, since lots of his friends were already going. The idea was to simply mention it, so perhaps he would search her in the crowd, and they could interact some more.

She was with her mouth already open when the doorbell rang, and Aemond “heart of stone” Targaryen entered the café.

That wasn’t on the plan…

To say he was intimidating was an understatement. He was even taller than his brother, and much leaner. His lips naturally curled, making it look like he was always scheming. His long hair brushed to perfection and the smell of leather lingering around.

All courage left (Y/N)’s body in a whim.

She quickly looked at Myra. Her eyes trying to send a signal.

“Abort mission!”

Her friend merely shook her head.

Aemond stopped for a second, acknowledging the girl next to his brother. Annoyance clear on his face.

-Are you done, brother? We have some errands to run. – His posture made it look like he was disgusted to be there. Like being in the presence of “peasants” was too much for him.

The barista positioned the drinks on the counter and Aegon grabbed the cup, nodding at his brother.

-Thanks again, (Y/N). – he said.

They turned their backs and started to leave. The flash of the silver locks made (Y/N) realize that like sand, her chances of winning where slipping through her hands.

Before her brain could process it, she had already started to speak, in a desperate attempt of saving her plan:

-Aegon. – the boy turned in her direction a little to fast. Happy to be taken out of his brother’s claws, even if for a few seconds. – I was… just… wondering if you’re going to show up to the Baratheon boys’ gig tonight…

From her peripheral vision she could see Aemond rolling his eyes. She probably looked like a desperate high school girl. One of those giggly nervous ones, that most likely surrounded Aegon every day.

She felt small, pathetic. Her body shrinking under the violet gaze of the Targaryen boys.

-The Baratheon’s? – he asked.

-Yeah. Every year they present in the square near the Street of Silk. – she couldn’t meet his gaze. – It’s almost a Christmas tradition at this point…

-Sounds… interesting. – Aegon said. His tone giving (Y/N) absolutely nothing.

-I will be going with some friends… so maybe…?!

-Maybe. - he smiled and left with his brother.

(Y/N) started walking on Myra’s direction. Feeling her shoulders heavy.

-This was a disaster. I’m moving to Winterfell. You will never see me again. – (Y/N) said throwing herself on the chair.

-I don’t know… - Myra smiled, sipping her own cup. – He seemed quite taken by you. Buying his drink was a good move. Besides, the courtship game is long, and you just began. Give it some time. Phase one of the plan is done. With him showing tonight we are all set.

-Well, hate to break it to you, but I doubt his going to show up. Did you see the way Aemond waltzed his way in and made me look like a fool?! And he didn’t even say anything! – (Y/N) sounded exasperated. Her arms all over the place in aggressive gestures.

-Can’t say I’m surprise. Bet you his name on his birth certificate is Aemond Cockblock Targaryen. What a cunt.

-I can already fell my victory vanishing away. – The girl said, dramatically hitting her forehead on the table. Her voice whiny.

-Hey! – her friend said, ruffing her hair. – Don’t jinx it. We don’t know how tonight it’s going to go yet. And either way, him showing up or not, we must look amazing. So, finish your overpriced coffee and let’s go. It’s time for phase two.

                                                       ___

Myra and (Y/N) spent the whole afternoon getting ready. The Lannister girl and Greg Bolton on the corner, giving their own suggestions. Val and Myra spent the whole entire time trying to get a good balance between Aegon’s type, which consisted of frat party girls, and their personal pick: sweet and nice girl from next door.

This has proven to be quite the task since they don’t seem to get to a consensus.

-It doesn’t really matter. – (Y/N) muttered. -I doubt he’s showing up after this morning’s fiasco.

-I wouldn’t be so sure. -Greg said. – He looked at your Instagram profile three times today.

-And how do you know that?!- Myra asked.

-Please… - the boy seemed offended. – Lots of apps give this type of info.

(Y/N) gave her friend a look.

-Good to know… - she said slowly.

-But you’re right. – Bolton said, seeming more interested on his phone than in the conversation. – It doesn’t matter how you look. Your attitude it’s what we need to focus on. Aegon is used to getting all the girls without lifting a finger. – A bitter tone surfacing. – You need to make him sweat for it, but without making it look like you’re hard to get. You play the nice beloved friend, who’s oblivious to his flirtatious advances. That will keep him interested.

-Greg is right. – Val said. – He’s the type of guy that gets bored easily. If you keep him on his toes he will stick around. But the moment he gets tired, he leaves.

-No pressure then… - (Y/N) smiled an awkward smile, without showing her teeth.

-A walk on the park… - her friend reminded her, while hugging her from behind and staring at their reflection on the big mirror.

After that, the hours seemed to pass by fast, and soon enough they were leaving for the square, (Y/N) feeling a little more relaxed.

By the time they arrived a little crowd was beginning to form. Myra having to elbow her way to the front of the stage. Bolton and Val leaving, just in case Aegon gets a little suspicious. The lights dimmed and the Baratheon boys start to play. The classic Christmas songs with a little of a rock modern twist to them.

(Y/N) and Myra were dancing and singing when the Arryn girl whispered:

-Don’t look, but our target just arrived. He’s with the twins. – Her eyes looking over (Y/N)’s shoulder. – Wait for them to come to us.

(Y/N) nodded discretely and continued to dance.

-(Y/N)! – she heard the boy’s voice and turned around with the best smile she could master.

-Aegon! So glad you could make it. – she brought Myra closer. – This is Myra Arryn, my best friend.

-Nice to meet you! – Myra’s fake smile seemed to hurt her cheeks.

Aegon nodded.

-This are Arryk and Erryk Cargyll. – he pointed and the older looking men.

(Y/N) knew exactly who they were, courtesy of her stalking weeks.

-It’s a pleasure. – she said, inclining her head to the side just a little, like practiced.

-The pleasure is all mine, doll. – one of the twins says.

While Aegon remains collected, the girls can feel the looks the older man give (Y/N). It’s a good sign, she thinks. From their “research” those three were always together in college and seemed to share the same interests when it came to girls. So, to have them focused on her was a positive outcome, since the Targaryen boy apparently wanted to keep his opinions all to himself.

-Oh, my gods! -Myra exclaimed. Her voice too loud and high to be genuine. – I love this song!

Suddenly she was attached to the twins and started pushing them to the side, giving a resemblance of privacy to (Y/N). A last wink and… done. They’re gone.

-So… - Aegon starts. – How did you hear of this event? You don’t exactly look like the type of girl to enjoy the night life of The Street of Silk. – (Y/N) raised her eyebrows at that. – No offense! – He quickly added.

She laughed.

-None taken. – she said. – Well, their Christmas presentation is almost tradition. The official start of the holidays in King’s Landing is the lighting of the tree, but since it’s kind of a dull event the Baratheon’s came up with this idea. It’s a nice opportunity to get drunk, so everyone just went with it.

-Sounds like true “King’s Landing” behavior. – he commented, making her laugh.

The guitarist, a guy named “Rony” waved at (Y/N) and she swiftly waved back. Aegon seemed intrigued at that.

-You know him?! – he asked, making the girl realize what it might have looked like. Most girls that stay this close to the stage and wave at the band members are girlfriends and hook-ups.

-Yeah… we uhm… go to college in Highgarden. In the first year we shared a few classes.

Aegon seemed satisfied with the answer. She decided to change the subject.

-So… Since, apparently, this is your first time, I can’t let you lose the main attraction of the evening! – she began to guide him far from the stage.

-I thought the band was the main event?! – Aegon said, confused.

-They are not that good. – (Y/N) whispers in a dramatic manner, making the boy laugh.

They stopped in front of a stall, and the girl immediately ordered a few pastries.

She turned to him, handing a nice smelling sweet.

-Since you’re a chocolate kind of guy, I thought you would like this one.

-How do you…? – he started, but soon interrupted himself. – Right. The hot chocolate this morning…

-Well… don’t just stand there. Try it! – she said, holding her own pastry.

Aegon seemed surprised after the first bite.

-Wow… It tastes divine! – he exclaimed.

-I know! These are the best sweets King’s Landing has to offer. – she then whispered close to the boy. – I’m still trying to find their secrets, so I can replicate those.

-Well, once you figure it out, make sure to let me know. – he smiled.

They started to walk on the outskirts of the square, still enjoying the deserts.

-It’s hard to believe we’ve spent all our lives living in the same place, and we had never talked before. Not even once! – she said, with a calculated smile on her face.

-Yeah. – he got a little closer to her, their shoulders brushing. – Where were you hiding, princess?!

There it was. The seductive smile Val talked so much about. He had obviously taken the invitation for tonight as something else, just like they planned. All she had to do now it’s let the compliments and insinuations fly over her head and continue to invite him to tag along.

-Who knows?! – She smiled without a care. – You should try the wild strawberry ones. They are amazing! – She handed him the sweet and continued walking, leaving him a little confused. – Either way, it’s nice that we’ve started talking. I feel like we could be good friends.

She continued the good girl act.

At this point Aegon was starting to wonder if he got it all wrong. He was sure she had given him the signs. The invitation, her friend leaving them alone… Just to be friend zoned?! He was sure he was going to have a nice night of fun, and now?!

But it was not like she was being rude or playing hard to get. She was being nice, smiling and sharing pastries. Maybe his insinuations weren’t clear enough for her. Some girls needed to be one hundred percent certain the guy was into them before making a move.

He looked at her bright expecting face. Or maybe she was just one of those girls. The good ones. That were all about friendships and rainbows.

He was about to test his theory, and flirt some more, when a crazy loud laugh reached their ears.

Myra seemed wasted. She couldn’t even keep herself straight, and the Cargyll twins looked panicked.

-Oh… - (Y/N) looked embarrassed. – I should probably get her. I mean… We came together, and she doesn’t look that good. – she sighed, her cheeks gaining a nice pink shade that Aegon found surprisingly endearing. – I’m sorry.

-No worries. - he was a little disappointed, but what else could he do?!

-Will I see you tomorrow?! – she asked. He seemed a little surprised at that. – At the tree lighting?! – she giggled. The sound soft.

-I don’t know, princess. – he scratched the back of his neck. – Not really my scene.

-It will be fun! - she said, and he raised his eyebrows. Fun?! With his family?!

Seeming to understand his expression she shrugged her shoulders.

-Okay… It probably won’t be fun… - she seemed flustered, and her big eyes looked at him. – But will I see you?!

He should say no. He wanted to say no.

-Sure thing, princess. – He smiled.

Right…

Her eyes shine bright, and she says her goodbyes with a honey-like voice, basically floating as she goes to her friend. Aegon shakes his head, his smile refusing to die.

When (Y/N) reaches her friend, they quickly leave the square.

Once they are far enough, Myra fixes her posture and looks at her friend, as sober as can be.

-So, how did it go?

-I think my face will be sore tomorrow. Had to laugh the whole time.

-I feel you. Those twins were so boring. Had to fake having fun the entire time. – her friend made a sour face.

-Well… bright side is I think I was the first girl to ever friendzone him. The boy seemed lost. – Myra screamed at that. – And he is coming tomorrow. Didn’t even think twice about it.

The girls shared a devilish grin.

-Phase three commences.

____________

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