#and actually i feel much much better after those things are done
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ⶠ. áá . laundry machines â sam winchester
cw : gn!reader, fluff, poor editing, inexperienced!reader(dating-wise) so sort of shy!reader too, mentions of madison & resulting guilt, implied later seasons sam, kissing, 1.7K words. requested !
summary : you're new to being in a relationship, but sam finds it endearing and is happy to take things slow.
some days are smooth and seamless and like an actual dream come true. others are clumsy, awkward, and make you shy away from being perceived at all. itâs just that this is all quite new to you, and youâre very unsure how to navigate being in a relationship, especially with someone so handsome and lovely. no oneâs told you whatâs allowed and what isnât, how you should be acting, what an appropriate response is to the sweet things he does to you.
this all makes you easily flustered, often embarrassed, and yes, youâll admit it, a bit shy at times. heâs just so tall and steady and you know heâs done this all before, even if the last time he was in a long term relationship was nearly a decade ago. and youâre not even that far from him in regards to age, but youâre somehow so much more lost than he is. itâs nice, because heâs more than willing to take the lead on things, to guide you through it. but sometimes that reminds you of your inexperience, and it sort of makes you wish that you could be a bit better for sam. it almost makes you feel like youâre forcing him to do all the work.
alternatively, samâs own narrative regarding your inexperience is one of deep fondness, and even a bit of relief. he himself can be awkward and shy, even now and after all heâs been through, but with you, he gets to be the one whoâs sure on his feet and smooth and a little easy. secretly, heâs still remembering and figuring out how to do this all. but the little things come to him comfortably enough that, to you, he seems entirely confident and effortless.
âsam?â you call to him from your bedroom. heâs sitting in the living room of your little apartment, content with a cup of tea youâve made for him. âis it alright if i wash your jacket with my things, too?âÂ
âof course,â he calls back, his voice at its normal level of sweet and kind. you donât see the huge, endeared grin on his face. heâs not sure why it wouldnât be alright to wash his jacket with your things. itâs certainly the most logical thing to do, and itâs not as if heâd mind one bit. actually, he likes the idea of his clothes with yours, spinning around and getting tangled together in the washing machine. itâs domestic, soft, and intimate in a simple way. maybe thatâs why you asked, he wonders; intimacy makes you a bit timid at times.Â
with that, his jacket is placed inside your laundry basket. itâs dirty from a hunt. sam wanted to stop by your apartment first thing when it was over by mid morning and he wasnât too far away. he thinks he flustered you, though, because he forgot to text beforehand. but, you also looked very happy to see him, so heâs sure itâs okay. you had melted right into his kiss, though your hands remained chastely resting on his elbows as he sweetly cupped your face.Â
now, youâre walking out of the bedroom with your laundry, met with a fond look from sam on the couch.Â
âiâll be right back. i just need to get this done by tonight,â you explain as you head to the door to head down to the washing machine in the buildingâs basement.
âiâll come with you,â sam says, standing, still wearing his pretty smile. he imagines heâll have to leave in a few hours, and heâd like to spend every moment until then with you if youâll let him.
âthereâs no need, iâll only be gone a minute,â you say, only because you donât want to make him get up and walk down, then back up all those stairs.
his long legs take him to the door in less than a few seconds anyway. âi want to,â he says simply, and you feel silly that it sends your heart pumping extra hard.
âif you insist,â you smile, taking it in stride. sam notices and resists the urge to just sweep you up in his arms and kiss you for a long while. he hasnât kissed you again since he arrived, but he doesnât think youâd have as much ease dealing with that without being greatly flustered. heâd probably like to see that, but heâs not a cruel man. youâd argue that heâs the gentlest of them all. he follows you down the stairs because you refuse to let him carry the laundry basket. heâs already silently promising heâll carry it upstairs once itâs all washed and dried. heâll help you fold it too, if youâll let him. heâs not sure if youâll be alright with him catching a glimpse or two at your underwear.Â
that makes him think about the time he was about twenty three and madison not-so-subtly showed off her panties to him while folding her laundry on the first day theyâd met. sheâs a sad memory. a guilty one, too. but he has you in front of him, softly chattering about what you did this morning, and he lets her be a nice memory for today. you give him plenty of nice memories, and he thinks about how he likes the way the two of you take things slow.
you donât seem to think about the fact that sam can see what youâre putting in the washing machine, and he finds it cute, for no particular reason. he finds it cute when youâre nervous about something you neednât be or when you arenât about something he predicted you might. maybe he just finds everything about you cute.
he leans against the drying machine and watches happily as you put the washer to the right settings and start the cycle.Â
âso,â you say, turning your head to look at him, âdo you haveââ youâre cut off by the loud rush of water in the machine as it begins soaking your clothesâand his jacketâand you shake your head because you momentarily forgot just how loud it is. itâs the loudest washing machine youâve ever used, you told him once. he himself is almost startled by it; you really werenât kidding. he gives a little laugh and you canât help but laugh a bit too. neither of you have to say anything to agree to go back upstairs.
he holds the basement door open for you and one of his big hands that youâre secretly so fond of hovers by the small of your back as you pass him and start up the stairs. only you think itâs a secret. he can tell how much you like to hold hands and fiddle with his fingers. you stare sometimes, too, but heâd never tell you that for fear of rendering you too flustered to function properly for the rest of the night.
âyou were saying?â he says, encouraging you to continue now that he can actually hear you.
you canât tell if itâs a blessing or not that heâs asked you to keep going while walking up the stairs. you sort of wanted to be watching his face when you asked, but youâre also thinking you might be grateful that you wonât in case it helps you feel less nervous. heâs just so handsome and sincere and lovely that it makes you nervous. you donât know how to be casual around him. everything just feels so special and new and nerve-wracking.
âi was just wondering if you had another case lined up for tomorrow,â you tell him, hoping that youâre succeeding in sounding laid-back like you wish you could be. once again, he thinks itâs sweet you donât always know how to act around him. âor, you know, anything like that,â you add on. you donât want to ask without knowing if he has somewhere to be in the morning.
sam feels a spark of hope and a little bit of youthful giddiness that he hadnât felt in a long, long time before you. âi donât,â he says simply, âi donât have anything tomorrow.â
you chew lightly on the inside of your cheek, considering your options. thereâs still another flight and a half of stairs until you get to your floor and youâre thinking, despite how nervous it makes you, you really would like to be facing him as you ask. itâd be obvious and awkward if you wait until youâre back in your apartment, right? but itâs silly to ask in a stairwell, you think.
then you realize you're probably overthinking it. maybe neither of those things are true. maybe it doesnât matter at all how you ask, so long as you do it. you know heâll say yes, you know heâll like the idea of it, and youâre pretty sure heâll like the fact that youâre the one to bring it up first. and youâre pretty confident that you love him and that he really, truly cares about you too. that gives you a burst of confidence.
you turn around, right on the steps with your hands fidgeting with the hem of your shirt and a little, likely nervous looking smile on your lips. âdo you want to sleep over tonight?â you ask, somehow able to make yourself sound more sure of things than you feel.
his lips curl into a happy, almost proud smile. itâs very obvious how much he adores you. all you have to do is look at him and see the way his adoration pools in his eyes and his dimples and shows in the lightness of his eyebrows and the showing of his front teeth. his hands that you love so much drift up to hold your waist, moving slowly so you can anticipate it. the touch still makes you draw in a steadying breath.
âi would love to. are you sure thatâs alright with you?â he says. heâs trying to sound casual too, but it comes out more reverent than anything else.Â
your smile isnât so nervous now. âmhmm,â you hum. âiâm sure.â this time, you really are sure. though, you still have to grip his shoulders for support when he kisses you, right in the stairway like heâd probably kiss you anywhere.
#sam winchester x reader#sam winchester fluff#sam winchester x gn!reader#sam winchester x you#sam winchester#sam winchester fanfiction#supernatural fluff#sam winchester headcanon#sam winchester fic#supernatural fanfiction#sam winchester oneshot#spn fanfiction#supernatural oneshot#sam winchester imagine#supernatural sam winchester#spn sam winchester#supernatural#supernatural requests#sam winchester supernatural#supernatural x reader#spn fanfic
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Hey! I'm gonna take advantage of your charity and incredible talent and ask me some Silco stuff, and I will make it very personal.
Im just a sucker for angsty fluff, so I was thinking something in the lines of reader works either in some restaurant where Silco goes or actually works in the last drop. And she's just having a rough couple of days and Silco finds out about it and just wants to help (maybe he gets frustrated because of it all, and goes all Silco, you know what I mean? Damn I'm gonna shut up now). But we all know Silco is not the most affectionate man, or at least shows it in weird (?) ways. I feel like it would be better (?) if they didn't have a relationship yet. But I'll leave it to your brilliance to do as you please, I have complete trust in your skills.
But remember, you don't have to do this if you don't feel like it of course.
Anyway, to much information already. So good luck, love your work, that brain of yours and you in general â€ïžđđđ€
PS- do not allow me to make more requests, I will make them long, weird and I'll keep remembering more stuff to add and the next thing you know it's a full blown fic đ€Ł
Take All Your Sins
A/N: Thank you so much for your request, love!!! I was excited to do this one!!! This is going to be a two parter or MORE for SURE. <3 ilysm thank you again for your trust in me!!!
Summary: You work in the Last Drop and very close to Vander. What happens if Silco comes along and ruins that?
Pairing: Silco x Reader
WC: 1.4k
Warnings: Angst, sweet Silco, protective Vander, alcohol
Taglist Form | Arcane Masterlist
âIf you have something else to do, I can finish those.â You come into the doorway of the kitchen, nodding toward the dishes that heâs doing.Â
âI got âem. Almost done.â The older man smiles at you.
A few years ago, Vander gave you a place to stay when he found you out on the streets and ever since then, you were basically inseparable. His kids were like your own.Â
âRough night, huh?â Vander asks as you lean in the doorway, keeping an eye on the place in case more patrons came in.Â
The Last Drop is usually busy this time of night, especially on this day of the week. But itâs like a ghost town right now and you canât seem to figure out why.
âRough week.â You sigh, crossing your arms.Â
âDo you need a couple days off?â Vander asks, genuinely.
He always made sure you were taken care of, which you appreciate, but sometimes it feels like he does too much for others, and never lets anyone do anything for him. Youâre bound to change that though. His birthday is coming up and youâve been saving up for something special that will be from you and the kids.Â
âNah, Iâm-â You start but hear the door open.
âYou got it?â Vander asks and you nod with a grin and turn around to greet the customer, letting the kitchen door swing shut.
âWhat can I get ya?â You smile at the older man, who makes you do a subtle double take.
âWhiskey. Neat, please.â He smiles.Â
Heâs got dark hair, a partially scarred face, one blue eye and the other dark black with an orange iris that makes him look incredibly menacing. Heâs wearing an open, fancy peacoat with a buttoned vest and tie. Who the hell is this guy?
His eyes rake over you as you approach the bar where he sits.Â
âHavenât seen you before.â You smile, politely.Â
âI donât get out much.â He takes his coat off and sits it down on the stool next to him. âI⊠work a lot.âÂ
His voice is silky and you canât help but want to hear him say more.Â
âWhat do you do?â You ask as you pour his drink.Â
âI own my own business.â He tells you and takes the drink when you slide it to him.Â
The way he says it, makes you think he doesnât want to answer anymore questions about himself.Â
âWhatâs your name?â He asks softly.Â
You tell him and he takes a sip, keeping his blue eye on you. You smile softly, unsure of what to say.
âPretty name.â He tells you, after he finishes off his drink.Â
You go to pour him another but he puts his hand over his drink and shakes his head.
âThanks.â You put the bottle back down and then take the empty glass from him, sitting it in the sink. âWhatâs yours?âÂ
âSilco. Do you like working here?â He asks, not missing a beat.Â
You nod. âYeah, I do.âÂ
âAnd you like Vander?âÂ
You nod. âWho doesnât?âÂ
He chuckles, glancing around subtly. âWho doesnât, indeed?â
âWhat are you doing after work?â He asks.Â
Oh⊠of course. He thinks youâre going to put out-Â
âIâm not trying to fuck you.â He tells you, as if he can read your mind while he stands up and puts his coat back on.
âYouâre not?â You narrow your eyes at him.
âI mean, I wouldnât say no if you wanted to, but thatâs not why I asked.â He smirks.
You both stare at each other for a moment. His eyes fall to your lips before coming back up to your eyes.
âSo⊠the real reason is?â You cross your arms.
âI think youâre beautiful and Iâve not been on a proper date in years.â Silco shrugs, placing a hand on the back of the barstool.Â
You go warm in the face before looking down at his slender fingers and immediately canât help but wonder what theyâd feel like inside-
âIâll be by at 11.â He tells you, snapping your thoughts back to the present as he places a few cogs onto the bar.Â
âUm. Alright.â You nod, giving a kind smile.Â
He stares at you for another short moment before giving you a smile back and then leaving. Just as the door closes, Vander walks out and sees you staring at the door, breaking you out of the trance that Silco seemed to have put you in.
âEverything okay?â He asks, placing a hand on your shoulder.
You look up at him, smiling a little dreamily. Itâs not something youâre used to. Normally, when customers ask you out, you brush them off and pay them no mind. But Silco⊠he managed to get you to pay attention.Â
âAll good. Um⊠I have a date after work.â You go warm in the face at the word âdateâ.Â
Itâs not like you donât date⊠you do⊠just not consistently. The last date you went on was a year ago. It didnât go well so you decided to just focus on work.
âWith the customer that just came in? Who is he?â Vanderâs eyebrows raise in surprise, knowing that you havenât gone out with someone in a long time.
âJust⊠some guy.â You shrug, starting to wipe down the bar.Â
Vander chuckles. âAlright. Keep your secrets. I was young once, too.â
You laugh with him, your thoughts immediately going back to Silcoâs unmatching eyes and the way they softened at the sight of you.Â
âYou can go get ready if you want. I can finish here.â Vander smirks.Â
You roll your eyes. âThanks. I owe you.âÂ
âNah. Get outta here.â He nods toward the door that leads to the upstairs.Â
You pat him on the shoulder as you walk past him, heading upstairs to go shower. You look at the clock and see that it reads 9:30. That should give you plenty of time to get ready. You donât take particularly long showers.Â
As you turn on the water, you climb into the shower, letting the water flow over your body as you stand there for a moment before starting to wash your body and hair. You still canât stop thinking about the older man. He had to be about Vanderâs age, right? You wonder if they know each other. Perhaps after you get to know Silco a little more, youâll introduce them.Â
After your shower, you dry your hair the best you can and then settle on a dress that youâd saved up forever to buy just because. What better excuse to wear it than on a date with an extremely attractive, slightly intimidating, man?Â
At ten til 11, you make your way back down to the bar. Vander and Benzo both let out a whistle at the sight of you.
âDonât you clean up nice?â Vander grins.Â
You shrug, going warm in the face from the attention. âI guess.âÂ
You sit up on the bar stool next to Benzo. You glance over at the door and then back at Vander.Â
âDo you want something to loosen your nerves?â Vander teases.Â
âIâm alright, thanks.â You roll your eyes, amused.
âWhoâs this hot date with?â Benzo nudges you with his elbow.Â
You go warm in the face all over again, thinking about Silco. âJust some older guy⊠heâll be here any minute.âÂ
They accept that answer and continue their conversation from before about business stuff that you donât really mind yourself with. You pretty much just show up and do your job and do exactly what Vander tells you to do and then go back upstairs and sleep. And then repeat.Â
The door opens moments later, and the three of you look up to find Silco walking in. You canât help but give him a sweet smile. He smirks at you and pauses by the door.
âAre you ready-â He starts.
âSilco.â Vander growls.Â
âHello, Vander.â Silcoâs eyes fall past you to the man behind you. âLovely establishment you have here.â
You turn to Vander, confused. âYou know each other?â
âOh yes, we do.â Silco walks toward you, wrapping an arm around your lower back, looking you up and down. âYou look beautiful, darling.âÂ
âSheâs not going anywhere with you.â Vander comes around the bar and starts toward Silco but Benzo gets up quickly from the stool and stops him.Â
You look between Silco and Vander, still confused.
âI think thatâs for her to decide.â Silco smirks up at Vander who stands almost a foot above him.
You turn to Vander, with furrowed brows. This man is the one who gave you life again, the man who is like a father to you. The man you owe your life to. If he says you shouldnât go⊠then shouldnât you listen to him?
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I am in dire need of more of that AU that The First years get The upperclassmen toxic traits,i realy want more of It,like;
A way to include octavinelle and scarabia,maybe like,3 First years(Ace,deuce,Jack) get some of azul's toxic traits,other Three(epel,ortho and sebek) get Jamil toxic traits and yuu get both
Second thing
More reactings please,i NEED The staff,ALL The dorms and even the relatives seeing The First years developing those toxic traits,the overblots+Trey and cater for deuce getting their toxic traits right back at their face i beg youđđ
anything 4 u, baby.
(but for real, though, this is an AMAZING idea, love you so much for tilling the ground for my brainwormies, mwah mwah đ)
(also, this might get REALLY long, so hang tight!)
it was just a seed at first â a tiny idea that stuck around despite the first-years not even realizing it was there. but as the poison from their actual housewardens starts to develop into something truly deadly, so does that seed. it shows up later... but it makes itself known nevertheless.
ace, deuce, and jack have all worked for azul at the mostro lounge at one point, and though it was a very brief moment in time, it was just long enough to worm its way into their heads.
it starts with ace trappola, who's already pretty slippery with his words. but working at the mostro lounge, taking subconscious note of all the underhanded deals azul is making, he starts to pick up new... skills, let's say.
it starts small, with ace starting to give out certain favors to his fellow freshmen to earn some money. if you give him ten thaumarks, he'll do one of your everyday chores for you â dusting your room, cleaning your bathroom, making dinner, what have you. if you give him fifteen thaumarks, he'll do your homework if you don't feel like doing it, or take class notes for you if you don't feel like showing up. if you give him forty, he'll help you with something less-than-moral and definitely against the rules (he did it once back at the atlantica memorial museum â he can do it again).
there's an obvious power imbalance in all of these scenarios, but ace effortlessly words in a way that makes it seem like it's a win-win situation, when in reality, it's more like a zero-sum game.
it gets to the point where ace builds a black-market sort of reputation, and all of the freshmen know that if you need something done, ace is the person to go to.
...but then, something shifts.
at some point, ace starts a black-mailing campaign for the people who paid for the forty-thaumark favor. if you don't want your secret â one that might get you expelled, suspended, or worse â getting out, then you can pay for ace's silence with a favor or more money.
the worst part is: there's no way out. if you try attacking ace, it'll seem like you assaulted him for no reason, since if you try to explain he was blackmailing you, you'll have to tell them what he was blackmailing you with, which you obviously can't do â or else what was even the point? the same rule applies if you try tattling on him to one of the teachers or the housewardens or anybody else. and ace is a better liar than most people will ever be in their lifetime, so it's a losing battle even if you do manage to get someone to take your side.
so if you want to cross the bridge, my sweet, you've got to pay the toll.
(it's not even about the money anymore, really. riddle's thirst for control and azul's desire for recognition have clashed inside of ace in the most violent way, and now, it's all about the power it gives him over other people. and after how powerless he's felt this entire school year, being thrown left and right by overblot after overblot with no say at all, this is a power trip he never wants to come back down from.)
but ace realizes he's making quite a few enemies with his little money-making strategy, and he needs someone to help him just in case someone does come up with a plan to wipe him out. i mean, just look at azul â even with all of the loopholes and leverages in the world, even he was taken down eventually without outside help. if he wants this to last as long as possible, he needs... incentive for people to listen to him.
his own jade and floyd.
his own red-and-black collar.
using his riddle rosehearts-born dominance, and taking advantage of deuce's trey-and-cater-born passiveness, ace convinces deuce spade â one of the strongest people he knows â to help him in his economic ventures.
and deuce, seeing this as a way for ace to vent some frustration and unwilling to be on the other end of ace's ire, hesitantly agrees.
he doesn't piece together that ace is acting suspiciously like azul, but he still recognizes his own role in this whole scheme. ace is running a business, right? and deuce has only ever worked in one business before. he remembers what jade and floyd were like back when he worked under them, and so he uses that experience to inform his new position.
deuce becomes known as ace's right-hand man. he'll hunt you down if you don't pay, and he's not afraid to use force to "compel" you to. there have been stories about cat beastmen getting thrown up into trees and being left there for hours. about students getting forks "accidentally" thrown at them in the cafeteria with such precision, it doesn't really feel like an accident. about a student with a spade on his face who can throw back any attack sent his way with just as much force.
and there's nothing you can do about it, because he's in service to someone who has made himself pretty powerful. ace's silver-tongue gets deuce out of any and all trouble he inevitably finds himself in â and is ace is so brutally honest, why wouldn't people believe him? so even if you try to do something to deuce, ace has his back no matter what â and he'll win almost every time.
you mess with deuce, you mess with ace, which is already bad enough. but if you fuck around with ace, you better be prepared to find out with deuce.
they're a pair â that's always been true. but never before has that fact been so threatening.
jack howl comes next. we all know how much jack despises octavinelle's business model. but, begrudgingly, he will admit there are a lot of things he can learn from octavinelle. and more knowledge is never bad. as long as he doesn't actually use it, it should be fine.
(jack is more dangerous than ace and deuce, in a way â his toxicity is insidious in a way it just couldn't ever be with them.)
with excellent hearing, eyesight, and memory, he silently keeps note of every bribe he hears being taken. every lie he knows is being told. every mistake that gets swept under the rug. it's not long before he starts actively looking for it. it's not long before jack's uncovered dirt on almost every freshmen in school. it reminds him a bit of his time working at the mostro lounge. but instead of memorizing orders from customers, he's memorizing all their dirty secrets.
it's to protect himself, jack reasons. after all, it was only his input that put a stop to leona and ruggie's plans back during the spelldrive exhibition. he's just... preparing for another disastrous event, that's all. it's just precaution. insurance.
if it's not, then he'll have to accept that leona's overblot bothered him more than he thought. that he was weak enough to let it.
(and jack can't face that yet.)
and if, once in a while, ace comes to him looking for a little bit of information, then well, that's just lending a friend some advice. nothing wrong with that.
epel, ortho, and sebek don't have any direct ties to jamil, but they are certainly... impressionable, aren't they?
sebek zigvolt is a bit dense, certainly, but even he can see how well jamil takes care of his master. and with a master that's as ditzy and forgetful and all-over-the-place as kalim, that can't be easy. even if they are merely humans, and their experiences can't even begin to compare when it comes to serving a fae prince, sebek reckons that he can learn a thing or two by observing them. so that's exactly what he does.
one day, when kalim spills food on the floor in a hilariously ridiculous move, sebek notices something few others ever would. jamil gives the tiniest twitch of annoyance â the same way silver, in all his stoicism, often does when sebek gets too loud â but then he's back to being perfectly dutiful and polite and says "i'll go get a napkin."
it's... admirable, honestly. sebek doesn't put it into practice right away, but it stays in his mind long after he first sees it.
and then, after malleus's overblot, sebek's emotions feel like they're on fire. after being stuck in a world where it took just the tiniest crack to shatter a perfect illusion, he's wary of nearly everything that disrupts his day. now every single slight against him, no matter how unintentional it may be, feels like a personal attack on his very life. but sebek can't show these ugly emotions so outwardly â that would be dishonorable behavior that could damage malleus's reputation. instead, he resorts to subtle methods that can't be easily traced back to him like putting in frogs in schoolbags and setting brooms on fire or replacing shampoo bottles with tar.
but his repressed feelings of anger start to build to the point where he's now feeling unprecedented resentment towards... well, almost everybody.
when sebek has very first negative thought about malleus in history class â "reckless bastard" â he instantly hates himself for it and throws up then and there because how dare he.
he tries to shut them out, but the more he does, the more these intrusive thoughts start to bombard him with their uncharacteristic cynicism.
he looks at lilia from across the breakfast table, and his first thought is: heartless liar.
he spots leona lying in the botanical garden and he thinks: brainless cretin.
he even sees jamil, walking through the halls, and his mind screams: manipulative bitch.
but sebek shoves it all down because he's in no position to say that. it gets to the point where he's walking around as a silent, unfeeling husk, because to be anything else would be like inviting his inner demons to visit him on the outside. he pushes his emotions down as far as they'll go, and that's just going to have to be enough to get him through the day.
ortho shroud begins to follow a similar principle. his idia-inspired pessimism has led ortho to see others as less like people and more like characters. it's easier to think of every school day as a dungeon in an rpg. it's easier to convince himself that the other students are taunting him because they're programmed to be that way than face the reality that they just don't like him.
but the problem with seeing life as a video game is that you start seeing others as just ways to complete your objectives. like npcs or maps.
and when it comes to using people, jamil viper is king. or, for ortho's purposes, the ultimate survival guide.
ortho shapes himself into a model night raven college student â kind, charming, and sweet for the teachers, but just mischievous and rude enough to still fit in with the students.
he goes to housewarden meetings with idia to "gain leadership experience", taking notes and hearing out of every single little idea he can get his hands on (these are the people who have not just survived, but thrived. they must be doing something right). one time, riddle even pats his head and praises him for his proactiveness.
his classmates adore him for always been willing to help and being so calm about even the worst outcomes.
ortho makes himself as available as possible to the rest of ignihyde, brushing off homework or studying to help them with whatever they need â fixing game consoles, wiring in controllers, checking the internet connection, et cetera.
eventually, everyone believes in him almost as fiercely as scarabia believed in jamil, once upon a time.
ortho doesn't like telling all of these lies, but it's necessary to protect himself. it's like grinding to earn coins until you have enough money to buy that special armor in the shopkeeper's store.
...or maybe it's more like those cheesy dress-up flash games ortho used to play all the time â fleshing out the perfect outfit and hairstyle and makeup that'll earn you the most points.
if people feel like they need him, he'll be able to breeze through school without any more problems. he's put the whole system on easy mode! it feels a bit like cheating, almost.
it is like a game, isn't it? it's fun.
(at some point, ortho forgets how to stop.)
as for epel... well, he knows that his sudden snappish behavior towards the other pomefiore students won't go unnoticed for too long. but this is one of his only ways of venting, so he needs it to go under the radar long enough for him to... to squeeze out all of this sudden venom that's built up in him.
epel's not oblivious. he knows how sebek and ortho have changed over the weeks, and he knows why. but epel can't pull off "repressed" like sebek, and neither can he suddenly turn into the best person ever like ortho. but they do have the right idea about taking inspiration from jamil, so epel can fall back on what there is left: gaslighting.
every time kalim blacked out, jamil blamed it on him being sick. every time someone thought kalim was being awfully uncharacteristic, jamil called it a "mood swing". every time someone asked jamil about why kalim was acting so weird, jamil claimed ignorance.
at least, that's what yuu tells epel.
and it's perfect.
so now, every time someone confronts epel about his overly critical behavior, he lies and says he's doing it for their own good. you need pressure to make a diamond, after all. and besides â vil won't settle for anything less than absolutely perfect.
("i'm just trying to catch your mistakes before he does. and i think you and i can both agree that i'm a lot nicer than he is about it.")
every time vil confronts epel about all of the complaints he's been hearing from the other students about how epel's been tearing down their ideas for outfits and hairstyles with no mercy, and disregarding all of their achievements as "not good enough" to be proud over, epel dons a confused face.
("vil, between studying for tests and the crazy physical regiment you have me do, i barely have time for myself. you honestly think i have the energy to criticize other people?")
epel even starts turning people against each other so they won't focus on him. epel subtly threatens to take away the upperclassmen's position in the hierarchy, which sets up the other underclassmen as a threat, and epel grouses to the underclassmen that the upperclassmen look down on them for not living up to pomefiore standards, under the guise of regular teenage bitching.
but all of this, combined with their self-entitlement, leads to a mini-war in pomefiore. but since this is, well, pomefiore, where being perfect and poised is the standard, the others make sure never make it obvious in front of vil or rook.
epel plays everybody like a fiddle, and ensures that none of it can be traced back to him. it's a good way to get out his frustration. and hey â it seems like everybody's upped their game along the way. vil seems pretty happy that everybody's improving in their efforts so greatly, practically overnight!
epel wakes up with a feeling of accomplishment everyday. for once, it seems he did something right.
now if only rook could stop looking so somber...
then we come to yuu, whose inner darkness has been left to fester all year. if people think they can treat them like a ragdoll, it's only fair they do the same.
there's a lot yuu doesn't have, but one thing they're really lacking is a bit of respect. that's what it means to be magicless in an arcane academy. you're at the bottom of the food chain.
and look at what a bit of self-interest can do for you! yuu studies in the library until late into the night, burning the metaphorical candle at both ends, learning everything they can about magic until they're more well-versed in it than most students in the school. yuu starts making potions that aren't nearly as good as azul's, but they're cheap and work well enough. they start making study guides for others with their new-found knowledge, even if they do bristle with the fact that a damned study guide is what caught them in azul's tentacles in the first place. they start learning anything and everything, clinging to whatever scraps of knowledge they can write down.
with this, they successfully make their case for why they should join ace and deuce's business. eventually, they're just as feared as they are among the other first-years.
but that's not enough for yuu. the power of fear is nice, but the power of controlling other people would be much more cathartic.
so that's what they do. while ace is more focused on monetary gain, yuu uses their mountains of blackmail to convince others to do whatever they want.
if crowley throws another ridiculous task at them, yuu simply hoists it off to somebody else to do. if ramshackle dorm needs a few repairs, it's only a matter of contacting a few people before a whole construction crew paid off by somebody else comes knocking at their door. and they'll do it, if they don't want to get kicked out of the school or have their reputation ruined.
but somehow, even with all of this, yuu sets themself up as the nicest out of their little trio. they're willing to let payments slide from time to time. they listen to their clients' problems. they take constructive criticism and always seem to improve in their potions and study guides based on feedback. and if you do do yuu a favor, they'll give you certain favors right back.
so even when yuu is a covetous, greedy, all-consuming shark, the students still think they're so very, very nice. because compared to ace and deuce, what else is there to think?
but this can only go on for so long. and yuu knows that.
one day, they get called to the headmage's office. yuu is already going through their contact list â a list that's quadrupled ever since they joined forces with ace and deuce â to see who'd be willing to do them a teensy little favor for them, but when they step through the door, they pause.
inside the office are all the housewardens, their vices, the teachers, and everybody else yuu has grown to know over the past year.
yuu narrows their eyes as riddle steps forward.
"yuu," riddle starts sternly, "from one housewarden to another, i believe we need to talk."
^
(i will address everyone's reactions in a reblog, because this is honestly getting really, really long, lol. but don't worry, the reactions are coming! đ„ș)
(but i should mention that there is already a good reblog of the original post by @thenumberhuntress which addresses the upperclassmen's reactions that you can find here. go read it. it's peak.)
(once again, thank you for the great ask! this was fun to make!)
#anything 4 u baby#twisted wonderland#twst#twst first years#sebek zigvolt#jack howl#ace trappola#deuce spade#ortho shroud#epel felmier#twst yuu#the following are all just#(mentioned)#azul ashengrotto#jamil viper#a few others that appear so briefly it's not worth it to give them tags#generational trauma#i went a little off the rails with this one but i hope you enjoy it nevertheless lol#trying a new format
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(DATV thoughts with spoilers ahead; i think my tags will keep it filtered but just in case it doesn't since i dont want this in the actual game tags)
i just... man. i don't have a well formulated thought for this yet (and its my PERSONAL OPINION and other people can feel as different as they want, this is not an attack) but it keeps bouncing around my head, so. i know the popular thing right now is coming up with in-universe justifications for The Pantry Almost-Kiss Scene in ways that imply Lucanis didn't mean it/it doesn't represent him as a person/he was Faking It.
and i just don't like any of them. they make me sad!!!!!! i don't like the idea that one of the like 4 romance scenes we get in this game is him Pretending in some way, even if he does at that point like Rook back at least somewhat. None of the justifications i've seen make me feel Better about that being the point where we declare him as a romantic interest, which is what it is in the game, functionally. It doesn't lock you in yet but that point IS where the game says "they will take your flirting more seriously now". I did those same scenes for Davrin, Emmrich, and Taash and this is the formula the game uses (the "interrupted almost-kiss/confession" happens for almost all of the companions).
so if the answer for Lucanis' is "actually he stopped because he Didn't like what he was doing/feel that way yet" or that he felt he had to pretend for Rook's sake... it's kind of a letdown you know? esspecially when it comes right after what seems like an actually authentic moment (dispelling his "perfectly gathered clouds of doom"). Because, at that point in the game from my/Rook's perspective, it was like he finally was reciprocating. It made me hope that he'd acknowledge whatever was between him & Rook more in future scenes, especially because you get so little else from him at any other point, in terms of flirting back/showing you he IS interested. like up to that point I felt kind of bad for continuing to flirt at him, when he'd just change the subject right after! if someone did that in real life i would take it as a hint to stop. This is pixels and not real people so I didn't but they have done "reluctant/fearful interest" better in other characters if that's truly what they were going for in this one.
so after finishing the romance and getting the rest of content... idk. I don't like saying "one of the major chunks of characterization we get needs to be Thrown Out Actually because he was Pretending". because it's not like he or Rook ever actually address it in game--you just don't get to talk about feelings until some dialogue choices only in the act 3 romance scene, and then his speech at endgame (not even a full conversation, so much as his personal declaration). like it takes until the VERY end of the game for him to say the thing about "he was afraid to want you", but that comes after you've already hooked up, even.
I think truly what annoys me is that it's a story choice that can only make sense in HINDSIGHT not AS PLAYING. Only once you have all the scenes can you say "this one is out of character" and then you either have to accept it as bad writing, or come up with some in-universe justification to explain it... and so far none of the in universe ones feel good to me. i wish they did because maybe then I'd be less annoyed, rip. but at the end of the day i think even if there was some intent there, it was a poor choice for his story arc, because it doesn't effectively convey anything... and the reason why we can project a lot of different explanations onto it is simply because it is never addressed again (and again, Lucanis Dellamorte is NOT A PERSON he is a CHARACTER used to further a story for you the player, and so the reasons I don't like this choice are story-level and not a dig at how real life people feel or act).
So yeah at the end of the day. that is simply not a narrative device I would ever personally use in this way on a player/reader. certain kinds of hindsight revelations have their place (see: what the devs tried to do with Varric though I also think that falls apart on close inspection, but at least it has justification in-universe), but for a romance it just makes me embarrassed for Rook. In a game where you don't have nearly as many back-and-forth conversations with characters and have to resort to eavesdropping on them talking to each other, it's sad that one of the like 5 times you actually get to talk to Lucanis one on one we're maybe supposed to believe he wasn't being authentic, and also that Rook can't respond to this ever. It would be different if it had any kind of follow up, imo. or honestly as i've said before i would rather it have been swapped out with something entirely different or where we get to talk about their feelings instead, before i get labeled as one of the "people mad he's not Zevran 2.0/a sexy latin sterotype".
But having to step back to player-level analysis versus in-character analysis when looking at his whole romance arc just feels sloppy. but i'd much rather stick to "bad writing" than "intentional character choice" in terms of how to interpret the scene I guess, at this point, for poor Rook's sake. and i know people disagree with when I've said that before bc as much as I love Mary Kirby in other areas, she has said many times that she doesn't like writing romance, and I think it really does show here. As much as I love Lucanis and the scraps we got I wish I didn't have to do so much filling-in-the-blanks on our own.
#like... ive been trying for weeks to come up with reasoning that feels better than âHe Is Faking It And Rook Believed It (What A Sucker)â#so far i think. with a lot of extra work/headcanon.#i could buy it as a trauma response about it being the first non-harmful touch he experiences since the ossuary#and not expecting himself to get anxious halfway through/not intending to need to bail out#but i haven't fully formulated that yet. but man does the âpretendingâ angle hit wrong for me :(#fine if other people like it! it just makes me feel sad :(#ramblings#lucanisposting#lucanis dellamorte#jade plays dav#dav critical#veilguard critical#bioware critical#discovered i have already been Blocked by ppl for my previous Lucanis Takes so might as well cement the deal i guess lol#dragon age: veilguard /#dragon age: the veilguard /#datv spoilers#da4 spoilers#i THINK that kind of tagging works for keeping out of tags but on post filtering???? i hope. anyway#also i LOVE being Sad about bioware romances in other ways (Solas; Thane; etc) so its not Just That its specifically feeling Tricked yknow
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so assuming Avery is actually pregnant / doesn't early-trimester miscarry (which is not a given), there's two reasonable ways this can go, right. number one is she gets an abortion, the plotline is used to pull them all back together again, and they all have some collective hurt/comfort about it. number two, the one i would write - don't get me wrong, i'm all for women getting career-driven abortions, but hear me out - is the one where she does have the baby. under the cut bc it got long.
she goes to med school at first while pregnant - Max is right, it can be done, people in my cohort did it - and either gets lucky with the timing of the actual birth being during holidays, or just works her way to getting time off for a few weeks around it. And then... there's a baby. And you know what else there is? There's two dads (because we're 100% Mamma Mia-ing this bitch. they never find out who the bio dad is and they never seriously try. Baby comes out with Avery's exact skin tone so that's no clue.), and an entire cruise ship worth of backup babysitters. So Avery goes back to med school, and leaves the baby with Tristan and Max.
And, yes, raising a baby while also running an infirmary with a rotating cast of temporary substitute nurses filling Avery's role isn't the easiest thing they've ever done, but Robert loves fulfilling grandparent duties any time he's not on duty; Rosie gets one of those strap-on baby carriers and walks her (i don't know why i've decided the baby is a her but i have now) around the engine room pointing out parts and explaining concepts and hey, the baby never complains about her Michigan stories; Corey gets a cart and a bundle of clean sheets and pushes her down the corridors until the smell of laundry powder automatically makes her start laughing.
Max and Tristan make a pact to send Avery at least two photos a day - which ends up getting supplemented by everyone else who's with Baby - and FaceTime her most days, and whenever she gets a few days off she meets them in port. (The most expensive part of baby-raising ends up being her flights to wherever the Odyssey happens to be at the time, at least until Robert finds out and figures out a way to start paying her 'maternity leave', despite her insistence that the whole point of this is that she isn't maternity-leaving and he should probably be paying himself that and anyway, isn't she technically not an employee right now?)
And the thing is, during this time, Max and Tristan start... realising some things. Like how neither of them feel like they've lost their only partner, because they.. haven't. Like how the co-parenting's been working out better than either of them expected, because they fell instantly (minus a few minor bumps) into a shared rhythm. Like how sometimes they look at the other one holding Baby and feel like their heart's about to explode.
Also, they've both started sleeping in Max's bed. Because Baby's spent so much time sleeping in the corner of the infirmary that now if she wakes up at night and can't see both of them, she starts crying inconsolably. And obviously Max's suite is more suited to multiple inhabitants, and they're usually too damn exhausted to even remember the first time they were in this bed together.
(usually. most of the time. and when they're not, they don't make it the other's problem)
So at the end of the first year of this, the last two days of the year's last cruise have been packed with crisis after crisis after demanding patient after crisis, and as soon as they finally wave the last passenger off they hand Baby gratefully over to Robert and go crash out in Max's bed.
Avery was supposed to be meeting them on board tomorrow, but her last exam gets unexpectedly moved up by a day (believe me, med school loves to pull that kind of shit on you), so a couple hours after the passengers have gone, she shows up to surprise them. And finds Robert (a known ody3 shipper) first, who lets her take Baby with minimal captainly sulking about it, and while she rocks and kisses Baby, tells her (as a known ody3 shipper) that the two dads will be on the Pelican deck, but they're probably asleep.
Avery kinda frowns at him, but doesn't question it, and takes Baby up with her to Max's suite to find them. And they are both fast asleep, on either side of Max's bed with a space carefully preserved between them (because it's usually where Baby would be and they're both terrified of accidentally rolling onto her in the middle of the night). She's also exhausted after exams, so she crawls into it, lies on her back with Baby on top of her chest, and goes straight to sleep.
Tristan and Max wake up before her, and when they look across at each other, at Avery and Baby between them, they both simultaneously realise, oh. oh. oh, this - this three, two-and-half, four people, all together - this is it. this is the love, this is the children, this might even be the home - the second, third, fourth bucket list items to happen in this bed.
#there is a non-zero chance i will actually end up writing this fic. there are multiple scenes half-coalesced in my head#but in the meantime have this#Doctor Odyssey#Ody3#Quackers#Doctor Odyssey spoilers#mine#Avery Morgan#Tristan Silva#Max Bankman#i wanted to cry and hug tristan into oblivion watching the last scene#he fucked up with the 'sharing' stuff but my god he pulled it out for this#my writing#the other version of this i would love that's probably not going to happen is the one where there is no baby#but the abortion/miscarriage makes them both go 'fuck it life's too short for [insert reasons here]. yes avery let's do it'#and then they're all having sex with each other but outside of it tristan and max are only doing romantic stuff with avery#not each other. and both wind up feeling like something's missing and have a crisis that they made the wrong decision#until someone external (i'm thinking Robert for Max and a random polyam passenger he makes friends with for Tristan) actually interrogate#them on exactly what they're feeling and it makes them realise. hang on. whoops. turns out i might be more jealous of avery getting to kiss#tristan/max than i am of tristan/max kissing her. bc i'm actually fine and chill with avery doing whatever#because i know and trust that she's with us anyway. so jealousy might not be the right word at all and also. hm.
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the problem is that it's so hard to really analyze anything about arcane, and draw any conclusions about the story, because of the way it was written and conceived in the first place.
to the people who're like "yeah season 2 was bad, but season 1 was a MASTERPIECE in story writing and PERFECT in every way", that's just not true. the cracks were already there in season 1. there's multiple things, especially overarching ones, that just don't add up, and several ways that the story progresses that seem like odd choices. the thing was that, to me, the rest of it was all so good... the small details, the contained scenes were so well done, so detailed, so touching, that i really believed that maybe those cracks were just hiccups after all, and it's not a big deal, and maybe they'll even make a lot more sense and all get tied up with a nice little bow in season 2 (ha)
to me, at this point, it seems obvious that the way season 1 came into being was that these three idiots (who should never be allowed to write anything ever again) wrote a script, that was so terrible that riot had to bring in help to fix it for them (cause they were that incapable) and then someone got handed their slop and told "save this as much as you can, but keep the main points the same", and save it THEY DID! but the overarching plot is still the original one. which is why there's this dissonance all across it.
season 1 often seems like it's trying to tell two different stories at once. the example that comes easiest to me is jinx's transformation from powder to jinx post time skip. to the people i know irl who watched it, me included, the difference between these two is jarring, to the point that it just doesn't seem realistic that powder would change that much. this is what most people's reaction to her transformation was. like, sure, she changed... but jinx is almost a completely different person. and we can sit here and analyze all we want, and say yeah, but look, in ep2 min37, powder laughs when an enforcer is hurt, so that shows that she is indeed attracted to violence even at this age, but like... first of all, im at this point fully convinced that these details were put in specifically for that, to attenuate the valley that is between powder's character and jinx's, and I also honestly feel embarrassed that i even have to do all of this at all.
other notable examples are whatever is going on between jinx and silco in their relationship. like, yeah, he was actually a good father to her... but actually, there's something weird going on between them... but actually, no... he was better than vander, but actually he was worse than vander and was actually the cause of everything bad in jinx's life..... and on, and on, because the literal story itself never actually makes up its mind on what it wants the relationship between these two characters to be. same as it never makes up its mind on whether powder was a cute, innocent kid who was just manipulated by silco, or if powder was born like that and was just looking for an opportunity to release her inner jinx. same way as it never makes up its mind on whether vi is a devoted sister, who would do anything to get powder back, as she herself says, or if she actually thinks this new enforcer chick she just met is kinda cooler, as her actual actions would indicate. does silco adopt jinx because he sees himself in her, or does he intend to use her as a weapon and then later on grows to actually care about her? there comes a point where "this is a complex story" just becomes an excuse for "we were actually working with three different ideas at once and we never really decided on which one we were gonna do and we kinda just prayed it would all work out somehow"
the one thing that arcane season 2 has on season 1 is that it doesn't suffer from any of these weird identity issues. it's bad and simplistic but it's bad and simplistic in its entirety and it doesn't ever seem interested in being anything else. the story has no continuity or congruence issues, except of course for the ghost of season 1 that haunts it, and especially haunts the writers, who so far have displayed nothing but dismay for the story that actually made this show so acclaimed, and have done all they could to bury it as much as possible in season 2.
now, personally, im a big death of the author truther. even more so in cases like these, where we're dealing with teams of people. power struggles happen in studios, and in writing rooms, and at every level of production. and these three people that have taken credit don't seem like the most emotionally (or intellectually) mature individuals.
so, to solve all these issues, just know that when im discussing or analyzing arcane, im going off the interpretation of the events that serves the story the most, and that leads to the most meaningful narrative and the one that is most worth telling. all of this weird lee and overton slop that snuck in im gonna be completely ignoring.
#arcane critical#the last part is only a little bit ironic#i hate this fucking trio man#how do these people get to write scripts for shows like arcane it's just not fair
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This is so on point! And I believe ZYZ is actually heavily traumatized, psychologically, by everything that's happened. Losing Li Lun was bad enough (and causing him, unwillingly, deathly damage, like, he didn't even have the time to process it when Li Lun took off all hurt and burning with anger and the sheer betrayal of it all).
Mentally they were totally in their teens, with ZYZ being somewhat better in terms of emotional intelligence (in my headcanon) because he must have spent more time in the human realm, picking up on various things and coping mechanisms (or lack of them, but he could still witness and learn from humans how to deal with emotional stuff).
I assume he pretty much lost it and spiraled into depression long before the blood moon came, it just amplified that inner conflict that he had, just like the OP has described so well, leading to all those murders. But his personality, his sane self simply couldn't process it all upon coming back from that brink of darkness, hence he shoved it all away (along with Li Lun who became a living symbol of what he did, of him losing himself to the darkness).
ZYZ actually seriously started thinking that after he had done all he could do was only die, so he planned and seeked death willingly, specifically, painfully so. Like no amount of remorse could ever grant him the absolution for what he had done. And Li Lun, while being part of the whole thing, certainly became a much lesser issue in the grand scale of things (because ZYZ simply didn't want to live any longer, so why even bother making amends with his lover? Especially when he thought he didn't deserve to be forgiven). And as I see it, even if Li Lun saw reason earlier and came to him as a friend or at least as a former lover, it wouldn't have made any difference.
For ZYZ keeping any kind of relationship with Li Lun made no point at that exact moment - he'd be dead soon anyway. That, and he probably didn't have any mental capacity to be that ray of light that could bring Li Lun from the darkness he was facing himself. They simply couldn't be that for each other in that particular situation, and after everything that's happened. And Li Lun certainly didn't understand ZYZ and his motivation, or his deathwish, wallowing in his own pain and grief.
Even HMH said in his interview that Zhao Yuanzhou was constantly depressed - and this is something we can all understand. And he was depressed up to the point of getting suicidal - he didn't do it himself just because he couldn't (he wanted to stop this whole malicious energy vessel thing from happening ever again, ignoring the fact that was the natural cycle of things in that particular Universe they are living in). So he was intent on both dying and at least somehow fixing the world while he was at it [if I'm remembering the canon correctly.]
I mean, psychologically, it's an actual miracle he even got to feel some happiness, or something other than total despair and deathwish. And we have to thank Wen Xiao and Zhuo Yichen for that. Because Li Lun wouldn't have been able to do that for him, he was too much like him in a way. So it took one unapologetically human and open-hearted and forgiving Zhuo Yichen to heal him at least a little bit. And one caring, loving, accepting, and gentle, and humorous Goddess to heal him some more. And a bunch of cute kids. And being able to help someone, care for someone, bringing a new meaning to his whole existence. His healing arc is a topic for a whole different essay, but yeah))
Thank you OP, it's so pleasing to read such a beautiful analysis.
Zhao Yuanzhou is certainly a character with many flaws, but I see him in the situation with Li Lun not so much as cruel as weak.
He was also a teenager, like Li Lun, only a soft-hearted naive idealist. When his naive world collapsed, it shook him to the point of essentially a psychotic breakdown and a split personality. Because I am strongly convinced that the story with the ever burning wood and the red moon is not the cause, but a metaphor for what happened between them.
When Li Lun committed an act of aggression, the adults said that Li Lun should be isolated - and Zhao Yuanzhou obeyed the adults, because he is actually a very driven person. But his soul still could not accept this situation. And so in his breakdown, he killed the goddess - who had just imprisoned Li Lun.
And then he destroyed the Demon Hunting Bureau. Because well ... the subconscious, having entered into an aggressive rage, does not conduct an investigation and distinguishes who is right and who is guilty. He sees a sign that says "demon hunters" and takes out all his unexpressed anger on them, both for the demons in the clinic's cages and for Li Lun.
But then he woke up with blood on his hands, and after that, even thinking about Li Lun became unbearable. Because now Li Lun is not just a loved one who made a mistake. Li Lun is now his own unbearable guilt, that burning him from the inside.
And in my opinion, this is a fairly accurate metaphor for how the inability to face your own dark side makes you no less dangerous to others than the one who brings his dark side into the world.
All this certainly did not make the situation any easier for Li Lun, who first learned that in the human world, creatures like him are caged like wild animals. And then his closest and most beloved people essentially did the same to him. What meaning can he see in the world after that? And empathy and morality are actually very fragile things, easily dying if the world and your own life cease to have meaning for you.
And for me too, I would like, if not a better ending, then at least more sympathy for Li Lun from the other characters. The most he got in life was recognition that they did not want him to die in the eyes of Zhuo Yichen and Zhao Yuanzhou.
In general, of all the anomaly characters in the drama - Zhuo Yichen, Zhao Yuanzhou, Li Lun, Bai Jiu - only Zhuo Yichen received at least some explanation about how the world works from a respected adult in childhood. And how it changes things!
All the others fell into the world of prejudices, understanding almost nothing about themselves or about humans and immediately got into the most epic troubles.
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ive gotta. get it together a little bit i think. holy shit i really did not mean for the tags to get THAT long
#i have a colin provolone in ny head rn. i just need you to lock it in a liittle bit.#itâs just the worst possible time.#i do actually have to do the hard scary stuff.#and i am fully capable of doing them and i am a competent adult even if iâm realizing need a little more support than iâd like to admit#and actually i feel much much better after those things are done#and ACTUALLY iâve also made a lot of progress!! i think 14 year old me would be like. shocked to see the person i am now#but either way. gotta lock it in a liiiittle bit.#tomorrow will be. a lot of texting and emailing back.#a lot of âhi sorry itâs taken me so long to get back to you!âs tomorrow#AND ONE PHONE CALL. im way better at those now! pretty cool!#also getting my car inspected this week. miiiiight need to bring a friend for that one#sometimes i get scared at the mechanic because thereâs always a 90% chance that one of the mechanics will be the most drop dead gorgeous ga#**gay person#person ive ever seen in my life and then i have to be like uhhhhh. ahahaha. heres my shit ass car with the elvira and snoopy#bumper stickers on it. thanks so much!#OKAY. alright. hello. hyping myself up for the rest of the week#ive been a little bit off kilter bc i didnt have a whole lot of structure last week or this one since my classes ended#but im feelin a little more optimistic#i am a competent adult who is good at his job and has many good qualities and frankly he is getting hotter and more confident also as well.#<- affirmations btw.
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Can you talk about trans!Curly a little bit more? I'm curios if you have any headcanons and the like
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It's just such a thing in my mind because it adds a truthful sadness and differing aspect to mouthwashing.
If Curly was trans it adds the horror of the horribly selfish thought he could have easily been in Anya's situation. It could've been him but it wasn't and he so conflicted on the pit it put in his stomach that brings and the shameful relief it wasn't. In this scenario he is friends with Jimmy for a long time still. Jimmy likely knew him pretransition. Maybe he gave Curly weird looks then, maybe they never stopped after, maybe they seemed meaner. They are guys now, bros, both of them are. He doesn't really have to worry what those looks mean anymore, Jimmy just has that face with him sometimes. It's recontextualizing a lot of things for him that he was in denial about or too ashamed to admit. How naive he was being and how he let that get another person hurt.
Specifically with Anya, it's he knows the dread and fear she's feeling. He can understand it because he had to live with it for a good portion of his life, he knows it cause he still does, just in a slightly different way. It makes him think of all the times he's been alone with Jimmy, all the times he's been way more drunk off his ass and not remember the night, Jimmy was always with him the next day. Makes him think of the comments he would laugh off both because that's what guys do but because that part of being a girl says to laugh so Jimmy doesn't do something. It's the selfish realization that he was never safe and he's uncertain now too. Mad at himself for forgeting that feeling, espcially since for a long time he would've been considered the only woman on a crew (with all that implies) for a long time.
He should've taken those blinders off, step back into that position for just a moment and it's so much more painful that Anya likely came to him because he should've gotten it. Those thoughts don't leave his mind after the crash when he's in an even more vulnerable position than she was...
#this is less headcanons and more my thoughts of the intersectional horror this brings to mouthwashing which is also a thing it#already has but more directly in the mix vs just the class gender and positional struggle. like the idea he waited to confront Jimmy becaus#he could conceptualize the crime better because of experience with womanhood and also how it would've destroyed him in terms of being trans#like its weird to word as a comparison but thats kinda how empathy works as in an understanding and ability to project through aspects#like you found out your friend who has always had weird feelings about and relating to you is a rapist and got one of your other friend#pregnant and is now being openly hostile and aggressive towards you. You have only a few days to really think on all of this all the years#with him and how many oppurtunites he had that you blame yourself for giving him both in life and to do to you. You are starting to#realize that he may have done what he did to Anya because it was no longer viable with him or because of weird transphobia/homophobia#from Jimmy and god its so much and he should've know better and what did Jimmy do then - c r a s h#he is at such a small amount of mercy to Jimmy now and he can't protect Anya and it's terrifying because i know and you know that Jimmy is#giving him those weird looks again...#like it adds another layer of horror to things and while I don't think Jimmy would do anything to Curly it's heavily implied he targeted he#because of relatively more important position and getting Curly to have doubts about him as a power play and Curly knows Jimmy well enough#that him immediately exerting his authority and power would set him off after already having been mad about it and even when doing#damage control it still set him off. like its the horror of accidenlty siding with your oppresser and hurting other like you only to then b#stabbed in the back again by the person who took advantage of your nature like its so complext but my actual trans curly headcanons#are just a little bit happier like i imagine he was the first on the boys soccer team and a star player. maybe he and jimmy even picked ou#his first offical âboyâ clothes and Jimmy picked most so he looked like the grungiest white boy but she was a boy so it didn't matter cause#it was with his friend who accepted him and I bet on the bed he looks back at all those moments and notices the little details that his#friend wasnt actually so happy but he can't be certain when he started looking so bitter or hes just imagining out of paranoia cause he jus#cant know and even if he could he wouldn't want to ask like god thinking about Anya and probably being a little glad if not heartbroken#that she did get out of it in the end like trans curly and anya destroy me even more its so upsetting like he didn't realize how much he go#you girl and waited to act like it was cowardice but then would she not realize what hes realizing? should that be a grace or more of a#condemnation in her mind like what are her thoughts? espically during the scene Jimmy hits Curly like she had to hear and what did she thin#they are tormented in a similar hells with the same demon and its fascinating#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#anya mouthwashing#curly mouthwashing#jimmy mouthwashing
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Undertale yellow flowey embroidery
This took about 40 hours, give or take a few
#I can tell you one thing#Embroidering while having arthritis is really not a piece of cake. When you hand cramps just by holding it at an angle.#At least I can be grateful for my empty schedule#Makes embroidering till the sun rises back up so much easier#Insomnia also helps with this task#I was listening to the ost while working on it and⊠Live reaction#Occupied turf is so good actually !? Why wasnât it shown more often !? ITâS FIRE !?#I forgot I only did a pacifist so I got so confused when neutral Flowey came outâŠ#A motherâs love ? Shouldâve called this âIâm gonna fuck you upâ#The number of time I got my ass handed back to me in this fight is not even funny#The first time is great. The second I only discern my favorites and the sudden change in style. By the third loop I canât recognize shit#my brain is melting and my eyes are on fireâŠ#Advantages on doing it during daytime. Eyes hurt less. Good stupid tv to listen to in the background Disadvantages. People#Advantages on doing it at night. Alone. Personally work better at night#Disadvantages. No good TV. Time goes by slowerâŠ? I donât know maybe Iâm just loosing it with those freaking petals#For reference one petal took me about 3 and a half hours. So yeah⊠I thought it would never end⊠Took out almost all my yellow.#When the line tangles itself in the back and you realize only close to the end of it that half went missing#So you have to go backward to entangle it and loose 30 mins because damn it#Cats are not helpful in any of those scenarios#Why do I feel the need to make the back perfect when nobody else but me will know#This is the last time I do one so big without thinking it through#Note to self. Donât do it standing up when the cats are awake. She just destroyed my stomach#I think iâm losing it#Back after a few weeks#God this white thread is doing my head in⊠Iâm willing to bet my leg half the time I spent on the face was me untangling it.#Iâm almost done. Itâs finally over. Dark brown took exactly 4 h and 13 mins#undertale#undertale yellow#embroidery#Iâm thinking of doing Boris the wolf next. Because I just found the perfect rendition to put on my wall
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so CBT never worked for us in therapy. basically every instance of it was therapists trying to get us to stop being anxious about very real problems that were very likely to happen. like, situations that were not only likely, but would be very dangerous if they did happen. sometimes even things that had already happened and were likely to happen again.
meanwhile we have an app on our phone that guides you through various CBT exercises and it turns out when we use that for the kind of shit where we already know our brain is being irrational and we just want to get our thoughts together and work through the issue by writing it out, it works really fucking well and oh look suddenly we've been doing CBT for an hour and processed the root cause of several key emotional issues we've been having for years.
funny how that works. it's almost like we can actually figure out for ourselves when something is irrational and when it's an actual real problem that could put us in danger and shouldn't be dismissed. who'd have fucking thought it
#personal#thoughts#Lucy post#therapy#this is fine to reblog if it resonates with you. if anyone starts being a shithead in the notes I'm blocking on sight though#do not pull a ''see! CBT can be helpful if it's done right! if it harmed you then your therapist was just doing it wrong'' in my comments#the therapists that harmed us were using the exact same techniques but just as a blanket solution for every single problem#and yeah you can argue that's ''doing it wrong'' and I couldn't really say you're wrong about that#but when someone's saying ''hey the way this technique is usually used has done a lot of harm to me''#it's kind of shitty to be like ''well that's not real CBT though. real CBT isn't harmful''#when it's the same techniques being used in the way they're very often used because the therapists are taught to use them that way#anyway this has been a random rant about CBT because I'm pissed that a tool that does help us when used for a very specific set of issues#has been used so badly in the past that we still end up being reluctant to use it for the things it actually helps with#because we still associate the fucking thinking traps and shit with being gaslit and told we were being irrational#for thinking very real very dangerous situations were in fact real and dangerous to us#having to admit that CBT helped with something feels like when you finally take the advice about going outside and hydrating more#and eating better and gratitude journaling and realise you do actually feel better and have to admit the advice does help#after years of feeling like you're being dismissed because people keep telling you to do those things when you talk about being depressed#like okay yeah it did actually work. when I chose to do it. when I felt ready to#when I wasn't being forced into it by people expecting it to fix every single issue I have despite it only helping in very specific ways#anyway I wonder how much quicker we'd have learn healthy coping mechanisms if people hadn't treated various shit like cure-alls#and had said ''hey this will help with this specific thing in this way which will make these other things more manageable'' instead
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Cool.. Our rent price got raised. :') I did not know it was even possible to get even MORE poor than me and mom already were, but here we are. Guess I'll start surviving on literal bread and water at this rate.
#/vent#personal#no but when will things stop getting worse?#in moments like this I feel especially bitter thinking about that asshole that went to me like:#'wahh wahh katy i won enough money in the court to buy everything I want but it doesn't matter because I can't buy YOU uwu'#*ten days later* 'actually I don't want a friend/sister anymore can you please stay in your bum spot and simply be my-#-online friend and listen to me ramble about my interests without any regards to yours and show off how cool my life is to you like always?#like no I am not materialistic but when people make dramatic promises of this kind they better stick to them#'nooo but you MUST get out of russia!!!' bitch how? I can hardly afford enough food let alone travelling and living abroad#anyways yeah I am done using the guy that pretended to want a better life for us both and then turned tail as a core for venting#sorry it just makes me angry#not so much living in powerty and not being able to crawl out of debt and my life state no matter what#but more about a very consistent trend of having friends that one day get RICH and dump me as 'lower class' right after that happens#he is not the only one like that in my life he is just the most recent one#really speaks about how unlikeable I am if people lose interest in me as soon as they can buy happy things instead#shows that my worth as a human being is super low and I only work as entertainment when people can't buy something to do that instead#like videogames food travels objects books etc etc...#I am just below those things and less interesting than those things and I'll die early hahaha lol#hopes are that supernatural luck power that doesn't want me to escape easily will send me something to help. because yeah my situation-#-is B A D.
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Trying to make my brain do anything today has just been case after case of 'well, half-assed is better than nothing I guess.'
#text post#idk why i have such bad post-survey mental dips every time but I always do#literally last night before end of my shift was like okay brain. it's ok that we aren't working after this. this is fine.#there's another survey in two weeks (for ONCE they told us in advance) and in the in between other things I can do to keep making some mone#and I felt really confident abt that at that point! wish that confidence hadn't been so misplaced bc I did in fact spiral#was actually exhausted enough to just eat shower and sleep after work but the shower was just a big spiral w/crying and scrubbing lmao#whatever. did a mini vid in the new outfit i have for the side job and will do dishes tonight#plus I'll get my shot done bc that's a day late now too#prolific and cloud i got a bit done too and i'll keep checking those thru the night#i actually wanna play gta for a bit & try it with the controller but i feel guilty every time i so much as look at steam so. we'll see#i just need to do something else useful today bc tomorrow will be a full filming day most likely so. gotta make today useful too#I know it must sound like im not really trying to work with my brain on this but i shit u not#this is my brain when im actively employing coping skills and other things to try and counteract the 'work or die' mindset#i dont know how to make it any better and at this point I don't think I can#this was baked into me as a kid lmao bc even playing needed to have a point/story/some goal to achieve#or why the fuck was i playing with my barbies or metal toy cars or dinosaur and horse figurines to begin with#im rambling to put off doing the dishes ignore me lmao
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-randomly sees a screenshot of jamie and lily from the city of bones movie, where they seem to embody jace and clary, and am once again sad that we didn't get a city of ashes movie-
#like. to be clear. i KNOW that the city of bones movie has flaws--and i can tell you what they all are--but for me at least the positives#outweigh the negatives#and one of those things is that the cast really was perfect imo (and a lot of other people's opinions too)#though that's not to insult the shadowhunters cast at all of course. i think they're great and did the best with what they were give#i. personally. just don't really like shadowhunters because of how much they changed from the books#and even outside of that--if i ignored book to show comparisons--at least with the first season (the only one i watched) a lot of the#choices they were making with their own rules they were making didn't make a lot of sense. though i hear it gets better if season one so#maybe i should give it another chance sometime...#but back to city of ashes... i feel like. if city of bones had done well. city of ashes could have been better than city of bones and even#more book accurate (since that was some fans' issues with the first film) since the studio would have realized there was an audience there#and to take it more seriously. we've seen that kind of thing before. like with how the twilight movies actually became more book accurate#after the first film was a success#though that's not the world we live in of course. -sighs- oh well#maybe someday we'll get a really good and accurate tmi adaptation#i'm also looking forward to/cautiously optimistic about the the infernal devices show. PLEASE don't mess it up. PLEASE#that's my--and many--fans' favorite of the shadow world series. and it could/should be SO good. PLEASE!
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does anyone have recs on how to get yourself to start working out đ§đœââïž
#cryptic ramblings#weight#weight loss#im tagging that for filtering purposes bc yeah i would love recs but i dont wanna trigger anyone who may be have this kinda trigger#also#body dysmorphia#just in case#ANYWAYS i really wanna work out and lose weight (i wanna feel better abt myself n in MY case i do think itd help my health a bit)#but i have such Low Energy Always and like. High Stress (from work and occasionally family) and i just dont know how i can push past tht n#like. just Work Out. ykwim??? i even tried getting like one of those small step machine things bc i thought i could use it while i watch w/e#but then its like. why do tht when i could be comfy in bed watching. (dont have a lot of space for more involved things or even like. chair)#like on days off and after work im pretty much just Sleeping bc im so sleepy. i might WANT to work out or go for a walk or smthn#but then my body goes '...nah naptime' n i sleep for an hr or more or smthn#(i had a daytime sleep study done n they had me trg to sleep every two hrs n they said i actually fell asleep Each Time.)#(which i THINK ur not supposed ro be able to do?? idk id assume if ur well-rested u wouldnt be able to fall asleep like tht. anyways.)#so like. how tf am i supposed to lose weight actually. anyone have tips
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do you think my characters hate me for loving them and hateing them and putting them thru it?
#i wrote this and immediately thought#its not that serious go to sleep#but i noticed i have a kinda insert in a couple of my stories and the thought came to me#im like god in those stories but i hate having me in stories so i dont name them after me but deep down i know they are me#its werid. all of my ocs are me or someone i feel like i would like#like tobi i love that dude#idk im gonna sleep#this always happens when i go outside and then am forced to part with large sums of money because life#âim gonna go on my stupid walk for my stupid healthâ#âsure love that. btw you have to pay this btw. give me ur money. ur not using it right? promise i wont take it allâ#*takes it all*#its so fucked too because i end up spending more because im so fuck it done#âi only have 24 dollars and 37 cents for the rest of the week even tho i got paid literally yesterday...i have to make it last...â#âwhatever if i die i die im just gonna spend it on lunch idc anymoreâ#and lunch is like. chiken tenders. because i wanted hot food. and it sucks because i cant like. ask ppl for money.#because im sure there are ppl who need it more than someone who cant budget. i think they think i make more than i actually make.#i think thats why they keep taling so much. they dont account for taxes that get taken out because. i cant count. i will not lie. but i sai#i told them i get paid an amount hourly. and i timed that by the 40 not including what gets taken out. and then i#counted how much they keep taking from me and if i dont get taxes taken i would have a whole 100 extra to my name!#idk it would be awkward and difficult if i aired my grievance to them because then we wouldn't have a place to sleep anymore. or whatever h#whatever house we're supposedly saving for.#idk i dont procces my emotions deeply and im tired of sleeping in a hotel but its our cheapest option right now.#its better than staying in that house with the lights and water cut off because it was too expensive#idk. its not bad tho. i can get to work. i can take a bath. everyones crammed in one room but theres internet. i can go on my phone#lisyen to music or something. im sure i#thankfully. i dont want for things. so im not like ordering clothes and stuff we dont have room for. i just have a bed. which is nice.#oh no it turned into a vent
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