#and a depressed autistic highschool student

[smowyashe]

fuck just remembered i have a fanfic in the making, said id make and edit, an entire ass song, a few more songs, have a lot of art project ideas, need to pack for the holidays (i leave tomorrow), a fucking movie script, and...

OH MY GOD

I HAVE TWO FANFICTIONS IN PROGRESS

CRIES OF THE DEAD, MY BABY, I LEFT YOU

[springonmytraptillicomeback]

dumping random info/headcannons abt FNAF characters while I work on their designs pt 2: Henry Emily

Basic info:

Name: Henry Joseph Emily

Birth: July 13, 1947

Height: 6’2

Again, not gonna go super in depth in his life, maybe another day

Henry was born and raised in Utah to a family of 3, consisting of; James Emily (father), Grace Emily (mother), Beatrice Emily (younger sister, middle child), and Charles Emily (younger brother, youngest child). His childhood was average and pretty normal, parents were a bit neglectful but other than that they were kind and occasionally loving. His family wasn’t super well off, but they were stable. His father was a car mechanic and the reason Henry first got into engineering. He’d spend hours just watching his father work. He was a pretty introverted and quiet kid, didn’t make friends easily, but was unbothered by that fact. His teachers loved him for being a quiet, respectful, and incredibly smart student while other students were either weirded out just a bit or intimidated. And that intimidation grows once he gets into highschool, he’s one of those kids who had a full beard by the time they were 16, plus he was 6’2 and in general pretty big. In 1965 he gets into Dixie Technical College (Again, like my last one, I think the name might’ve been changed to Utah Tech in around 2022, but I’m not sure) and meets William during his Sophomore year. They almost immediately click, which is a weird feeling for Henry, considering he’s usually not been close to many people. Fredbear’s Family Diner in 1972. He gets married to Susan in 1972 also, who he actually loves (and who William absolutely despises). In 1973 Susan passes during childbirth to Charlie, which leaves him in a pretty depressed state for a while, but he was able to heal a bit. After William and Claire’s Divorce, Henry and William just kinda helped each other with each other’s kids, like one big family, and not gay at all.

Random shit abt personality:

Henry is extremely stoic and cold when you first meet him, but turns into an extremely kind and warm person once you get to know him (he’s also like that around kids). He doesn’t even talk that much with people he knows, mostly a listener, but that ends up working out perfectly since he spends most of his time with William who will rant about anything he wants at any given opportunity. As much as he wouldn’t admit it, he’s a bit obsessive and overprotective. While he isn’t as charming or over the top as William is, he still really enjoyed preforming as Fredbear.

General random shit:

He finds William absolutely fascinating, because, at first, he met William and saw just some guy, kinda charming and a bit energetic but other than that pretty normal, but the closer they got (aka, the closer William pushed himself towards Henry), the more Henry started to learn about Will and notice that things were just… off. The way he acts when he’s in a situation he’s comfortable, the way he’ll just look at you as he processes something you say, the way he either never makes eye contact or stares into your soul, the way he seems to pick up on other’s personalities, the way he can ramble without a single stutter. While a lot of this stuff is William just being autistic, neither Henry or Will know that, so Henry thinks William is just weird and he finds that so fascinating and slightly endearing. He LOVES fishing, not more than engineering, but it comes close. His parents both have pretty thick southern accents, having previously lived in Texas. His accent isn’t very prominent, but shows through a lot more if he’s around others with southern accents. When Henry realized he was in love with William his mind immediately shot into homophobia territory, trying to “keep those thoughts down”, he ends up coming to terms to it at some point.

yaaayyyy we done

again, if u wanna ask shit or something abt him/anything u can, I’m still bored

[sunflowergarland]

thought i’d introduce myself bc why not:

(probably will be updated as i think of/get into more things)

name: freya (not my real name)

age: 17

gender: (afab) honestly not sure rn, though i want to experiment with using she/they or they/them

sexuality: i have no idea right now but i think im bi??? someone please help me out with this hsjsjsjsk

occupation: highschool student with a tendency towards writing and theatre

hobbies: language learning (currently focusing on French), a bit of art (not great at it), singing/choir

random:

i seriously think i might be adhd or autistic (or i might just be misremembering the symptoms of the depression i KNOW i have)

i literally never stop singing

my dream is to write a series as well loved as harry potter or the lord of the rings or the chronicles of narnia

but i can never finish a wip

i’m joining my church’s adult choir in january!! dream come trueeee

i’ve sung with my youth choir for several shows in Branson, Missouri (and even had a couple of solos!)

entertainment:

- movies/tv shows: harry potter, star trek tos, star wars

- books: the chronicles of narnia, unblemished (not sure this is technically a fandom yet but the books more than deserve a fandom)

- music: stray kids, bts, txt, ateez, fifty fifty, dreamcatcher, owl city, taylor swift, chung ha, enhypen, oneus, alisha liston, coldplay, a multitude of christian artists, probably a hundred more i’m forgetting rn

sports:

f1: mclaren, mercedes, williams, alphatauri, charles leclerc (not ferrari as a whole though)

f2: ollie bearman, frederik vesti

f3: dino beganovic, paul aron, nikola tsolov

f4/freca: kimi antonelli, conrad laursen, charlie wurz

european football: fc barcelona, tottenham hotspur

figure skating: ilia malinin, shoma uno, roman sadovsky, gage and oona brown, nathan chen, ekaterina kurakova, kao miura

i love to chat with people and make new friends so feel free to message me as long as you’re not a creep :)

i’m also trying to make this a writing blog of some sort but it’s already pretty disorganized sooooo getting a cohesive theme might take a while hehehe

anyway i think that’s all for now! love yall 💕✨

~~freya~~

[what-if-nct]

i’m so sick and tired of being treated as this special autistic kid by teachers. i have ADHD/ADD (or/and dyslexia), not autism. also, i DON’T have a learning disability, i just cannot focus very well. that doesn’t mean that i cannot learn, it just means that i need to take extra precautions just so i could learn in the same level as the other kids, NOT showing me a video of bts dancing an treating me like a baby when i do something right.

i CAN learn, but i just need help on the focusing field, not learning overall. just because a person cannot see without their glasses, doesn’t mean they’re dumb. jeez, is it so hard for them to grasp this information?

And obvious your inability to focus if from your ADHD\add. So what would makes sense is utilizing a education plan specifically for students with ADHD and Add. I wonder cause in all of my schools the classes a really segmented. Like there's general education and the special needs classes but there's also classes for those with "behavioral disorders" basically severe anxiety, depression, bi polar, adhd, add etc Where the class size is just smaller and there's two teachers but it's pretty much the same as general ed. Even in my highschool there was like a hybrid class that was technically special Ed with general education benefits. I was in the behavioral disorders gen ed section. I went to the psych ward too many times. Or does your school just lump every one together and teach everyone the exact same way even though that treatment is really detrimental to those who don't need it. It really just stunts you. Cause you can do a higher level of work just with a little help to keep you focused. A lot of times they just put people in the wrong kind of classes. Usually due to lumping everyone together

[positive-autistic-girl]

Autism & Mental Health

It's a very pretty much of a most talk topic for me at least, I wanna share from my point of view. I did struggle with depression & anxiety I dealt with it as long as I could remember as a kid or teenager. Got dignosed with Autism when I was 5 years old, got diagnosed with Depression when I was 19, I probably got diagnosed with Anxiety probably at my mid 20's, I don't know what age to be exact. I was bullied in school my whole childhood, when I was in elementary school-highschool, I try not get it too me but it was hard when you have your feelings hurt. The teachers refused to do anything to stop the bullying and I had suffered, being discriminated cause I been different from all the other students. It was hard being accepted who I am as an autistic girl, I do not want people to feel sorry for me cause of my disability it is who I am in life, as my life went on I suffered from abuse and everything too where I hated how I look or who I am. It took me years too pretend to be a normal person. In 2019 I decided to come out of the box as openly Autistic and I felt so good about myself and got alot of positive comments and support to be accepted for who I am. I don't just support Disability Rights Community, I am part of the community. It does get hard when your autistic and dealing with mental health issues remember your not alone, you matter. Hope everyone enjoys reading this.

~☆Chelsie☆~

[mushroom-ooooooooooooooo]

This is like...sooo tmi so if you see me on a daily basis like,,,irl. Like at school. Pls dont read this.

Cw: weird mental health stuff/ me talking about low motivation

So basically its the time of year where my body just shuts down. My bones feel like lead, it takes forever for me to get out of bed, and I just generally feel like crap. I love winter but the physical toll its taking on me this year is actually driving me wild. I woke up this morning and genuinely couldn't move my arm for 10 minutes because my bones just feel so heavy. And my joints are getting worse too. I can hear my ankles and knees popping every single time I walk, but especially when I walk upstairs. And most of my classes are upstairs at school. And my immune system also gets weaker, and because of that my psoriasis gets worse. I literally just go to school and then rest.

And thats a problem because my parents both have a physical disability. So all the chores go onto me. But guess who can't do them because I'm fucking depressed and in physically pain constantly? Me. My back constantly seizes up and i literally needed my dads help throwing taking the trash out the other day. I can barely stand long enough to do a "simple" load of dishes. (Simple meaning one for the deep clean we do of our kitchen every 3 months. Its gross. I wish they would rinse their dishes out.)

And all of this is affecting my mental health really badly. This probably sounds gross but I'm just now taking a shower. Its been 3 weeks. And I know its not their fault, but one of my friends made an off-handed comment one day and that made me feel a million times worse. And I've been really snappy lately and I feel so bad about it constantly. And my mom and I think I was misdiagnosed with ptsd because I dont exhibit any symptoms and honestly never did. Autism and ptsd share symptoms and I just dont think I have ptsd from whats happened in my past. And my brother also thinks he may be autistic. Autism also runs in our family, so...yeah.

I also feel like shit because I haven't been taking as good care of our cats as I should be. I love them and want to see them happy, but my parents also refuse to help clean their litter boxes. And thats the big thing I struggle with. And one of our cats has been doing their business on the floor. No matter how many times we clean it up,she still does it. And its really irritating, but i also think she just...cant get into the box. She's like...12-13 and I've been trying to get my parents to buy better things for the cats. We have 4. And we dont even have a cat tree for them. And my cats love climbing. They would have so much fun crawling on a cat tree. And I cant do anything about it because im a highschool student who cant even get a job. I don't even have my drivers learners permit yet.

And that's another thing!! I honestly think my parents are done parenting. My brother went off to college, and everything fell onto me. And like I understand that my parents work hard and that they're older (mom is 54 almost 55 and dad is 52 almost 53) and they need to rest but god damn. Im still a child. Most people arent the sole cleaner, cooker, and pet caretaker. Most people my age don't make grocery lists for their parents. Most kids my age focus on their part-time jobs and school. They actually did stuff before my brother went to college. I just want them to understand how I feel about it. I like cooking and I dont mind cleaning, but it becomes a problem when im the only one doing it. And yeah, I get $50 in allowance every month, and I'm grateful that my parents are able to afford to give me that much, but my mom always pulls the "we give you allowance for chores,". Chores is things like un/loading the dishwasher, taking the trash out, cleaning litter boxes, making bed, ect. Not cleaning the entire trainwreck of a kitchen by yourself and trying to make sure the floor is clean before your friend comes over for the first time in months. They're not parenting anymore, and it makes me upset. I feel like im just a random person in their house. Genuinely, my mom spends more times working on her acrylic nails than actually parenting. And she wonders why I get so irritated with her. She says hi to the cat before she does me.

And I don't even know if my dad likes me anymore. I think im just another financial burden to them. Im just a depressed high schooler with chronic illness who can't even go to school everyday. I feel so useless. I dont even know if I want to go to college. I don't even know how I have friends. I'm not a nice person. I get mean and defensive really easily, and my teasing turns mean really quickly.

I don't know why I am this way. Am I cursed? Is someone even reading this? All I do is shut people out and listen to music. I don't know why I became so rude. I just want to be remembered. But at the same time, I don't think I'm worth remembering. I'm not exceptional at anything. Even my once okayish writing has gone down greatly. I used to get praise for my reading skills and now I can't even read a 300 page book.

I feel so gross and useless and im depressed. How worse can it get? Im also extremely paranoid. I constantly feel like people are judging my every move. Even when im alone in the shower. I still feel people watching me. I should've probably told my therapist about that when I was still in therapy but my dumbass didn't even think to talk about that. Just that oh i saw my friend. Oh i started public school again. You know what? No one cares. And I probably wasted my therapists time. And my dads. Having to drive me across houston just to see her. No wonder no one likes me. Im fucking irritating. Thats why I have 3 friends at school. And 3 friends out of school. And one of them doesn't talk to me anymore, and another lives out of city.

The other is wonderful and amazing and I want them to constantly be happy and comfortable but I cant do that at my house because my parents don't help. Im starting to realize im kind of like a live in cleaner. Thats all I ever do in my freetime. Cleaning up after my parents. My mom acts like shes 15 and my dad doesn't rinse his dishes.

Thats another thing. Along with them not really parenting anymore, I think they've given up on me. Specifically on trying to get me to school. I miss school about once a week to once every couple weeks because I have bad flare ups. As I'm typing this, I can feel my legs aching. It hurts. And it makes it hard for me to go to school like that. The last time I did my back starting seizing during UIL rehearsals. And I couldn't leave. But today was one of those days and I genuinely felt like crap. My dad just agreed and didn't argue. Normally he argues with me about it because "I need to suck it up and do what the rest of us do.". I understand that everyone hurts and has bad days, but I genuinely get so bad during those days. And everyday has been one of those days for the last 6 months. But my parents don't really discipline me. They don't track my every move. They dont even make grocery lists anymore. Or really go to the store often. But our fridge and pantry is filled with a bunch of junk. Leftovers, empty foods that need to be thrown away, and literally so much more.

My mom is also a hoarder and constantly buys new things for herself. Like with her nail stuff. Im glad shes got something going for her outside of work, but why does she need 50 different glitters? I guess one could argue that im the same way with paints, but I dont leave my paints all over the living room area. And she literally has so much clothing. And most of it is on her floor. Its almosy unwalkable and I constantly stumble in her room. And our garage is filled with mostly her stuff. Clothes, old books, even her teacher stuff. Why does she have so much??

It irritates me because she'll say she doesn't have money for something, such as a cat tree, but then buy like...$200 worth of clothes and makeup at walmart, when we could've bought groceries and a cat tree with that. She just...irritates me idk.

Anyways, yeah. I think this is long enough for now. Goodmorning, goodnight, good...whatever idfk. Remember to drink water and eat something.

[b-e-a-n-b-u-n]

I switched schools several times. I went to a public school till mid 3rd grade, a private school the rest of 3rd grade and 4th grade, and then back to a public school for middle school, then finally, highschool. All of them where very hard transitions in very different ways.

School can be hard for young kids, and for the longest time, I was an only child, living with 10 other people, who all loved me, and tried to spoil me all the time. My grandmother took me to my first day of kindergarten, she said I cried the entire way there. Every day after that, she said I cried a little less, and looked forward to going to school.

My mom pulled me out of public school mid year during 3rd grade. I remember it vividly. It was one of the only times I had failed a test. A spelling test no less. I had a hard time with penmanship, and still do to this day. The teach failed me because I didn't write my P's and Q's under the line. My mother says I didn't spell any of them incorrect, but it's still and insecurity of mine. She pulled me from the school, put me in a private school. It wasn't a fancy private school like people see in movies or shows. It was small. The entire student body (which went from kindergarten to 12th grade) was less than 200. The building was older than my grandmother and used to be the church before it slowly got too small to hold everyone during mass. My entire 4th grade class was 7 people, including me and a transfer student that came in halfway through the year. Even though it was small, it was expensive. With less than 200 active students, the tuition was high, and not only that, but each student had to pay for their uniforms, food, and if you lived out of the area, a bussing fee. I didn't really have to pay much of these fees. I lived in the area, and walked to school each day, the school paid for my school lunches, and I got hand-me-downs from the school. I remember going to this dark, damp basement where they had so many old uniforms, ranging from the 80s to the 2000s. Deadass looked like the bathroom that Moaning Myrtle haunted in Harry Potter.

I moved in the summer between 4th grade and 5th grade, two hours away from the home I had grown up in. It was sad, but now it was me, my brothers, and my parents, instead of every living relative in the area. It was ok, I tired to fit in, make friends, get good grades. After awhile, friends would get bored of me, or I would have to take space from people (autistic) and I would hang out with other people. This did not help. I didn't have a lot of friends, and this was a much bigger school than the last two I had gone to. I had become depressed, and my anxiety had gotten worse. I gained weight. So much weight. I got bullied so much, and shamed by doctors and school nurses alike. My mother put me in boyscouts, which I had grown up with my uncles and my grandfather going to meetings or campouts, but the problem was, I am afab. I got bullied so hard for that, and still do. As the only female eagle scout in my county, I am proud but I also think, things would have been a lot better for me if I was put in the program. When 8th grade rolled around, I was losing it. I slowly was doing worse and worse in classes, I started stealing from other students, stealing in general. I got caught (duh, I was a stupid kid that didn't know where the cameras were) and almost got sent to juvie. A month after that, covid hit. I got of Scot free, and got to highschool without anything on my record.

Highschool sucks. I got to a school that was double the size of the last, because it combined 2-3 different middle schools into one highschool. Too many people in the halls, too many teachers didn't like me, my grades were shit, and the people who bullied me in middle school, still bully me in highschool. It slowly started getting better, but my freshman year, I was with the wrong crowd. I hung out with people who tried to be alt and some who even faked have severe illnesses or disabilities. I got lumped in with them, but at the time, I just wanted to be normal. I had survived the first wave of covid, and finally being back in school sucked. Constant shut downs due to spikes in covid cases in the area ruined everyone's grades and movation, and I'm surprised some people, myself included, passed for the year. Sophomore wasn't much better. A few of the problematic people moved away, and I was thankful for that, but more, worse people, were entering my like. I had made eagle scout this year and was not doing great mentally. Grades sucked, I could never turn anything in on time, and if I did turn it in, the grade on it would be poor. I was getting bullied more and more due to stupid things. I would complete my comp apps assignments early in class, get a mid grade, and draw something for the rest of class to keep myself entertained, but somehow, drawing is bad in the eyes of teenage boys who where 50$ juicewrld hoodies and supreme slides, so they picked on me. My dad said it toughen kids up, and kids nowadays are too soft, unlike when he was growing up, but to me, this fcking sucked. I was doing something I liked, and these kids my age, where telling me to kms or something along those lines for just existing, and what makes it worse, is that if they asked me for help, I would help them! They would tell me to get run over in traffic, and I would tell them how to use excel.

My junior year wasn't too bad. I cut off communications with this guy I had been friends with since freshmen year, but I felt so good after that. I really did feel like he was weighing me down, and treating me like shit. After I stopped talking to him, and people stopped associating me with him, people started to stop bullying me. I was in a healthy relationship with my bf, I had great friends, that weren't too problematic, and I didn't have such horrible grades that I had a chance to get held back. At this point I had been going to a therapist and a psychiatrist consistently, and my mental health has been getting better. I made new friends, cut off old ones, and slowly started to figure out who I am. Hopefully my senior year will be better.

Good luck if you go to school, and if you don't, good luck in the goal you strive to complete.

[psychic-waffles]

10 characters from 10 things

thank you @ashenwren for the tag! i am so sorry I don't have the brain power to write actual answers about why i like these characters so you get jack's oversharing hour instead:

unfortunately for everyone around me my main requirements for falling in love with a fictional character is being able to steal their gender and/or project my issues onto them.

so without further ado:

1. Spock - Star Trek

i am autistic, and also a nerd for space, and also autistic. so i think that speaks for itself.

2. Hei Xiazi - DMBJ

as i said earlier; probably 3 possums in a trench coat with a joan jett wig. would steal his gender, 10/10

3. Ned - Pushing Daisies

no YOU have chronic anxiety

also wow so lee pace amirite?

4. Kieren Walker - In The Flesh

gestures vaguely in severely depressed baby gay and newly out as trans tiny art student from a small british town watching in the flesh for the first time aged 17

5. Wen Ning - The Untamed

HE'S JUST THE BEST AND GOODEST BOY YOUR HONOR

(and also something something, insert short essay on bodily autonomy)

6. Aragorn - LOTR

(yes i know, i thought it would be legolas too, but hear me out)

i have a very distinct memory of sitting in a highschool assembly aged maybe 13, and the teacher leading the assembly was talking about characters he idolised at a kid, and he pulled aragorn up on screen, and said something about little boys and heroes. and this was when baby jack realised he might maybe have some genders going on.

so yes, i was infact transed by aragorn. the terfs never warned you about that one did they

7. Loki - Marvel

pulls on my clown mask, we're not going into this one.

8. Newt - The Maze Runner

look we were all gay, depressed, and disabled teenagers who stumbled upon the maze runner at a formative age here... right guys?

9. Howl - Howl's Moving Castle

*stares in extremely trans*

and also book howl is a garbage can with glitter sprinkled on top.

10. Snufkin - The Moomins

he's got all the bases covered: lives in the woods, has authority issues, just fucks off from society for half the year. it's the ideal.

my mum read the moomins to me when i was very young and it left An Impression™ (i am now a queer social anarchist who wants to live in the woods and it's entirely tove jansson's fault)

[one-abuse-survivor]

before i start, thank you so much for doing what you do;this blog has given me good advice countless times and i really have to thank you for that.

my issues with my parents are that they don't take me seriously. i can literally go up to them and say: "mom/dad, i think i might be autistic or have ADHD (both would be quite likely) can i get that checked out" and list a bunch of examples why i think that and they'll just be "nah, that can't be, you don't seem like that at all" as of i didn't break my mind over it researching it and talking to people who have it to see if we've had similar experiences just to get some kind of reference as to why i feel the way i feel and why i struggle so much with things that so many other people find so easy.

but then, in the following weeks and months (after talking w them) they just randomly point out things about me that kinda annoy them, like me talking out of turn a LOT or me not looking at people or me having trouble focusing if there isn't also music and a movie going at the same time or mom saying that i seem hyperactive to her because i'm always moving my legs or pacing around or rubbing my hands or drumming on the table with pens. things like that (plus a lot more) were the exact things i was telling them about and they just put it off like it's nothing but as soon as it affects and annoys them it's suddenly very real. at this point i'm struggling to talk to my parents about anything even remotely more serious than generic smalltalk and i'm having a hard time believing myself that my struggles are in fact real and i'm not just making them up.

and also on a less related note; the thing i hate most about my parents: if i'm wearing headphones and couldn't understand what a parent was yelling from somewhere else in the house then it's my fault. but if it's the exact same situation but i'm the one calling and they couldn't hear me, then it's obviously my fault too (i kinda get the first one but srsly how could i not wear headphones when they're constantly arguing with my brother in the room next to mine) (either way if one of the scenarios is clearly my fault, then the other shld be clearly their fault bc that's how logic works)

hhhh, this got quite long. i would love to hear your thoughts about this

a continuation from the other ask about my parents not taking me seriously even when i ask them for help with my hardest problems. that ask didn't really go in the direction i had planned but there is so much going on between my parents and me that i really need to talk to someone about

background: i'm around 15-16 rn and have a brother who's 18. primary school was academically very easy for me (lots and lots of great and even perfect grades) but my brother didn't have it as easy (lots and lots of mediocre and meh grades) so my parents really just kinda let me do my thing while they were constantly busy with my brother. so i got really independant and did all of my stuff on my own bc a) i always had done it that way and b) my parents were already busy and stressed. but after my brother got his first computer and got into video games his grades dropped and my parents started constantly arguing with him and taking away his computer and stuff like that so there was always a lot of tension (and i got to a point where i can't handle people yelling; that's what i was referring to with the headphone thingy at the end of the last ask) i don't know if i can go that far and say that my parents kinda neglected me and my emotional needs in favour of saving my brother grades but that's pretty much the way it feels.

i'm now a sophomore (school works a bit different here but i'm the equivalent of a highschool sophomore afaik, here it's just 10th grade) and starting from about mid 8th grade (end of 2018) i've been struggling a lot with self care and upkeep of my already minimal social circle and academic stuff (i'm at the academically highest level of school you could be at my age without skipping any years) and also mental health.

i got quite depressive and started isolating myself and casting away friends and my grades went down a lot, which really disappointed me because my great grades were kind of my trademark thing. but i didn't feel safe talking to my parents because of the huge distance that we built by me "never" needing their help with stuff.

in that time (almost a year ago, our anniversary is in twenty days or so) i got a girlfriend and i'm hella glad that i can talk to her about everything but i feel like i can't just go dump trauma and parent issues on her forever

about last november or so i was at a pretty low point and was suicidal and that's kind of when i snapped and went to my parents to talk so being cast away and having my issues invalidated really really hurt then and made me spiral even deeper and my gf was the only thing keeping me afloat.

i'm kind of a bit better now but i have rebuilt my view of my parents from "idk we never really interact" to "trying to interact or talk is not worth the energy" and needless to say i don't like them that much

oh and i forgot about all the times i got panic attacks and sensory overloads @ school because there are so many people there (1700 students + 200 teachers) and it's loud everywhere and of course asking my parents for what to do if suddenly everything is too bright and too loud and you can't move or talk because of it didn't get me anywhere (and since i didn't know what it was called or how to describe it properly, i didn't really find any Information online either

and just typing this makes me think of so many more things that they did that aren't okay things to do (a lot of gender identity stuff for example because i'm also neck-deep in that) . but writing this has also helped a lot right now. thank you for being there and listening.

and just in case i'm ever gonna pop back in to say something i'm gonna drop a name for easier identifying

sincerely - 🌌 milky way anon

Hi, nonnie! Thanks for the kind words, I'm really glad my blog has been of help ❤️

I'm sorry your parents are making it hard to believe your struggles are real :( you deserve to be taken seriously and to get access to all the help you might need. Just the fact your symptoms are there and you're noticing them and they're interfering with your daily life is enough to get them checked, regardless of if you need a diagnosis/meds/anything else. No one deserves to live wondering if their struggles are worth discussing with a doctor or professional.

And you're right: if one of those things was your fault, then the other should be theirs, logically. But I don't even think it's "your fault" you didn't hear them because you were wearing headphones, to be honest. I think it's just something that happens from time to time and that doesn't warrant getting mad over; I think it's the kind of thing that simply needs to be talked about so everyone in the household knows how to communicate with everyone else without getting frustrated. It's as easy as saying "hey, whenever I put on headphones I'll just text the family group chat to let you guys know I won't hear you. If you need anything in those moments, just text me instead". I do this with my girlfriend sometimes—if we're wearing headphones and we're in the same room, we simply pat each other when we need something and wait until the other takes off their headphones to talk. It really doesn't have to be an issue where anyone is to blame. You're allowed to take steps to feel safe and comfortable in your house without getting punished for it.

But, of course, this doesn't work if the people around you choose to prioritise "being right" and proving you're wrong over a peaceful and healthy cohabitation, which is what most toxic and abusive people do.

As for your second ask, I would say if it feels like your parents neglected you and your needs because they were always focusing on your brother, then it's okay to say that they did. The fact alone that those feelings are there makes you deserving of talking about it and wanting to heal from it; the cause of those feelings doesn't have to be something major, or sound deeply traumatising when you say it out loud, in order to "count". And people whose emotional needs were consistently met don't feel like they weren't.

I've already shared this video before, but if you want some resources on identifying and healing from emotional neglect, I really recommend watching it. Please bear in mind, though, that the video says it's important to not blame parents for emotionally neglecting you, but I don't think that's the message a lot of people need to hear and I think you should allow yourself to feel angry at your parents for not meeting your needs and causing you trauma. That's pretty much the only thing I'd criticise about the video.

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with your grades and mental health lately, nonnie. I had a quite similar experience when I was in high school—I used to always get great grades, but my mental health and trauma put a lot of strain on them (as well as on my social life; I lost a lot of friends in those years) and it was really distressing to see the only thing that made me "worthy" crumble between my fingers like that. I'm still trying to unlearn this idea that your grades define your worth, and it's been really hard.

I'm so sorry your parents weren't there for you when you hit that low 😔 I'm glad your girlfriend could help you stay afloat in that moment, but they absolutely should've been there for you all those times you reached out to them for help with your struggles, and the fact that they didn't is emotionally neglectful of them.

I'm glad you're in a better place now ❤️ I really hope you can find out all the information you need on gender identity and sensory overload and any other issues that might be affecting you. Know that you deserve for your parents to be there for you. You shouldn't have to face any of this on your own, or even with only the support of other people your age. You deserve for them to care. You deserve to have your symptoms checked out. You deserve adult guidance to find resources to help you better understand and manage your struggles.

Sending all my virtual support your way ❤️ and happy belated anniversary to you and your girlfriend!

[ruminantminds]

me, my dream, my desire, how it's killing me, like i laugh at it.

SIOBHAN BLAKE ( SHE / THEY ) is a NON-BINARY FORTY * year old TOWN MAYOR who has been living in Moorbrooke for THEIR ENTIRE LIFE. Right now, they are currently residing in ELMSETT GREEN. It has been said that they look suspiciously like ROSAMUND PIKE and if they had to choose a song to describe themselves, they would choose VOILA by BARBARA PRAVI.

                 * they were originally forty-one on the app but after working out the birth chart i have decided their forty-first birthday is the fourth of june ! just in case you want to plan birthday things for her <3

mun introduction ;

hi everyone ! i’m shannon, i’m a non-binary autistic lesbian, i’m twenty-one && i never fucking learned how to sleep ! 

BASICS —

NAME: siobhan adrienne louisa blake.

AGE: forty.

GENDER: non-binary.

BIRTH DATE: fourth of june, nineteen-eighty.

BIRTH PLACE: moorbrooke, maine, usa.

SEXUALITY: lesbian.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: married to alante patterson.

ZODIAC: gemini sun, aquarius moon, libra rising.

MBTI: enfp-a.

ENNEAGRAM: four, with a three wing.

HOGWARTS HOUSE: hufflepuff. 

THEME SONG: voila by barbara pravi.

FAVOURITE SONG: no plan by hozier.

OCCUPATION: mayor of moorbrooke ( 2020 - present. )

PAST CAREERS: english teacher at moorbrooke high school ( 2004 - 2020. )

EDUCATION: bachelor’s degree in literature at yale university, the only period of time they’ve spent not living in moorbrooke. 

DREAM JOB: senator for maine.

PARENTS: ciara & severin blake ( deceased. )

SIBLINGS: none.

SPOUSE: alante patterson ( m. 2015 ; together since )

PETS: two cats, vita && virginia.

PREDOMINANT TRAITS: wholesome, compassionate, ambitious, unconventional, humanitarian, self-critical, discerning, sociable, curious.

BACKSTORY —

apart from a few years at yale, siobhan has never lived away from moorbrooke. it’s where she was born, it’s where they were raised, it’s the place where she feels most at home. it’s filled with the people who watched them evolve into the who they now confidently are. but growing up with parents with massive expectations was never easy. 

because while they moved from new york, severin blake’s old money attitude never left him behind. 

( tw: fertility struggles ) and with old money, conservativism often follows. this is no exception. siobhan spent most of their childhood trying to be the golden child their parents wanted, even when it felt wrong. hopeful that some other sibling would come to take some of the weight off their shoulders, it never came to fruition, and she was their only child. severin blake — french-american businessman’s — only legacy.

siobhan was always more compassionate than their parents. when new people came to the town, she would always try to offer them a leg-up, no matter who they were, why they had come, or how long they were planning to stay. they had no issue playing chameleon to make others comfortable: wasn’t that what she’d always done, regardless? 

this rang true when alante patterson came to town. a few years younger than her, split from her siblings in the foster system, it just made sense for siobhan to try to be the other girl’s constant. the beginning of a close relationship that still runs stronger than ever, thirty years later. 

alante was always refreshingly honest, and always made siobhan feel safe to be . . . themselves, even if they were pretending to everyone else.

siobhan’s chameleonic tendencies made them highly popular as a teenager, her parents’ pride and joy, but the latter half began to fail when siobhan began to understand — began being operative, as it was a process that took them many years — their curiosity about their sexuality and gender. this relationship, and her parents’ desire for them to hide this evolving part of themselves, was a behind-closed-doors battle which led to anxiety & depression. 

a vicious cycle, because the attitude to mental health on severin’s part was also quite . . . medieval, and ciara certainly never intervened to stop him. 

( the blakes had always been protestant, though siobhan was reluctant to take part in any acknowledgement of such. siobhan has considered themselves agnostic since the age of thirteen, though she supports her wife in her faith as much as she can. )

siobhan came out when she went to yale at the age of eighteen, and her experience had been mixed. college took her away from her friends, estranging them from their high school friends and temporarily moving away from alante. when they returned from college studies and took up a job as an english teacher at the local highschool, her best friend was . . . married. 

which made feelings that began to blossom particularly problematic. especially when over the years that followed, no matter how hard they tried to let it go, those feelings persisted. and — eventually — became an affair so passionate that alante left her husband for siobhan some thirteen years ago. 

their relationship with alante is what made them truly decide to — and make them able to — exist fully as themselves. who they wanted to be. so now, they’re not quite as chameleonic, but she’s endearing to the people who are truly interested in her and that’s all that matters, isn’t it? ( isn’t it? they’re still learning, though they pretend the self-doubt is entirely gone. )

this part of their town-iconic relationship is not public knowledge, and thankfully never came to siobhan’s parents’ knowledge before their deaths five and seven years ago.

siobhan and alante married as soon as possible in 2015, but siobhan always had a dream of washington politics, buried for many years because the political climate of their youth would never take them. now... it’s possible, but alante likes this life, this town, their two cats, and wants to have children. 

as a compromise, siobhan ran for mayor of moorbrooke this recent cycle, and won. but here’s the kicker: will it be enough for them?

CONNECTIONS —

family: while she has no siblings, she does have cousins on ciara’s side, so if you’re interested in that then feel free to let me know & we’ll explore it! i love a good family tree, especially in town rps where i imagine it a bit more interconnected like broadchurch !

family-esque: if your muse has been living in moorbrooke a while, it’s likely siobhan knows them quite or very well. you know those people you call your aunt/uncle out of respect because they’ve been friends with your family as long as you can remember? a bit like that! it’s also a habit because siobhan has been . . . distant from her own family since she was a teenager. they never outright disowned them for what they were calling their ‘ ideas ’ — i.e. being non-gender conforming & lesbian — but their disapproval was... clear enough. she doesn’t want anyone else to feel like they’re without support. 

therapist friend: the thing about siobhan is that they are the ceo of telling other people to look after their mental health while letting their own degrade. ( see: she can’t help taking on other people’s problems & wanting to solve them. )

high school it squad: yes, this is my not-so-subtle way of pleading for more older muses here. these people were siobhan’s friends when they were trying to be who everyone wanted them to be, not who she herself wanted to be ; they were the popular clique, and she adjusted herself as necessary to ‘ ringlead ’ them. i’m thinking they split up when they all went to college, and the rest of them have only just come back to town. the siobhan blake they’re going to meet is . . . very different than the one they once knew. someone who is now comfortable ( at last ) unapologetically in their own skin.

ex-student: if your muse was in high school in moorbrooke anywhere during their tenure it’s likely that siobhan could have taught them! she was the emotional support english teacher. sapphics, you know what i am talking about. 

ingenue: someone interested in politics who siobhan is sharing their passion with !

neighbours: anyone who lives in elmsett court, who wants to live next to moorbrooke’s favourite sapphic it couple? it comes with invitations to dinner and two adventuring cats called vita & virginia that they might have to retrieve from your house.

TAKEN CONNECTIONS

confidante: the only person, aside from alante, who knows the truth. that siobhan and alante’s relationship first ignited in a blazing, letter-ridden extramarital affair, eventually resulting in alante leaving her husband all those years ago. the person siobhan confides her worries in, sometimes. [ alec barlowe. ] 

OTHER TRIVIA

owns a motorbike.

they can still write in anne lister code from letters to alante.

of course, she is a democrat. we do not fuck with republicans here.

watches vita and virginia three times in your average week.

has an eclectic music taste, but frequents the record store because there’s nothing like vinyl. 

( yes, they have hozier on vinyl. )

will only drink white wine. don’t ask them why. they don’t know. 

would have zero wardrobe sense if it wasn’t for alante. money just doesn’t equal style.

the only social network she knows how to use is twitter. please, someone, teach them how to use instagram. bestie needs a social media guru because the people who run the rest of her platforms don’t get it, either.

allergic to banana. but eats it anyway for the mouth tingles.

has kept a diary religiously since the age of twelve.

[flowisk]

1, 10, pink, yellow, turquoise, punk, 14, metal, apple, and pineapple

1: What part of the anime/manga piqued your interest?Well, honestly? At first it was Deku. He was a really cute looking kid, and is kind of odd looking and frail for a shounen protagonist. I mean, I now know that he’s like... got a very strong inner core, but that doesn’t change that he’s kind of... not typically masculine in a lot of respects. He’s a Very Nice Boy and i thought his curly messy hair and freckles were really cute. I feel like we have a lot of very generically designed anime protags lately, esp with male leads... This isn’t a criticism of any work I like, lol, its just a fact we kind of tend to have that... generically handsome dude.My first impression of both Shigaraki and All Might were that they sucked, which is funny considering they’re my favourite characters now.But yeah, the art also piqued my interest... Horikoshi’s art... I’d seen some panels of it, and tbqh the way he draws is straight up beautiful. He actually is pretty good at character design too.10: Do you have any OC’s? Describe them! If you don’t, create one on the spot.Tough! This is tough!Hm. Misao... ability is teleportation. She had an interest in becoming a hero when she was younger and actually did an internship/short stint as a sidekick. She was pretty good at delivering behind lines, helping the team coordinate, and gathering intel but... seeing as that was her only power it was kind of a risky business because a good hit could kill her (plus when you teleport -in- to a location it’s not like you know what’s going on there beforehand). She has some issues with paranoia/anxiety, and honestly herosim is a nervewracking occupation for that because you make a lot of enemies. She eventually decided to found / support an organization for children who have issues with their powers / need extra help with them, partially because she used to get lost as a kid a lot by accidentally teleporting places when she thought about them too hard. She can afford to support this because she makes ‘immediate deliveries’ across the world as her current job... She’s an old lady now, has adopted a few kids, and is probably like, vaguely well known.Pink: What are your main/favorite ships?I like Tododeku. They really are... good for each other. I like that they’re supportive, and Deku really went on a limb (ba dum tish) for Todo. They’ve both dealt with abuse and... trauma... and are handling it in different ways, and I think they’re both people who can understand the issues that would cause for each other.I like Deku and a few characters tbqh. My ideal is just that Deku is dating Iida/Todo/Ochako and Ochako is also dating Tsuyu and idk, some polyamory basically. Deku used to have a crush on Baku, didn’t turn out so great for him. It’s one of those situations where it’s like ‘I’m so sorry Deku’. He’s good with Shinsou too. Deku is.... a good boy. I like him and Kiri a lot too, I actually feel their insecurities are both rooted in similar places? Like they would’ve been good friends if they met in highschool. I’ve read some friendship fic that really makes me think deeply about them. These body destroying lil shits.I like All Might with Present Mic or Eraserhead or both, I feel like Present Mic has this... good energy, and he’s really kind to Toshi. And that Aizawa and All Might could have a lot to offer each other..... I like him with Nedzu a lot but rip no one else does. All Might and Nighteye is just canon and tragic and I feel bad :(Bakushima is a good relationship too. I’m glad they have each other. I feel like those two would have some wild parties, and idk when I think Bakushima I think ‘they are an ideal pair for a roadtrip fic about emotional issues’.  Momojirou and Denkijirou are nice too.tl;dr: basically most things involving all might or deku Yellow: Favorite fanfiction about your OTP?Todoroki and dissociation, tododeku: xTwo chapter sweet TodoIiDeku fic, themes of abandonment: xI haven’t found an All Might/Eraserhead fic I really love yet. I haven’t read a lot of BNHA fic in general.Turqoise: What do you hate about your favorite ship?...I feel like most All Might/Aizawa fic focuses more on Aizawa as a character, and doesn’t nudge any of the limelight over to Toshi. Aizawa has Depression. Toshi............... is fine!There’s a lot of bland tododeku fic where you could insert literally anyone into the roles. Lot of good tododeku fic too! just. need to sort through a lot.Any time I have a ship remotely involving Bakugou I have to prepare for any mentions the author might make of Deku ._.Punk: Opinions on the Traitor Kirishima theory?Man, I feel like it mostly got nullified with the updates on Kirishima’s past, but at the same time that would be interesting for a character like Kiri? Especially when you think about how... he is someone who understands where villains come from, and ... the role Bakugou might play in saving someone if Kiri were the traitor. Bakugou needs to learn to save, and there’s Kiri.Basically, I think it was a valid theory at one point, potentially interesting in canon if it was carried out (because it would be a good development arc for Kiri probably) but.... unlikely after we’ve learnt the details of everything.14: Whose quirk do you think is the most unique?I like Present Mic’s... it’s not normally something you’d see used to fight. Momo’s is interesting too! With a quirk like that you have to be very strategic. Mirio had an amazing quirk, actually that one was probably the coolest conceptually...Also despite him being handled badly as a character, I think Mineta’s quirk is interesting since it has to be handled strategically.Metal: Which villain’s quirk would you want for yourself?Kurogiri’s, for sure.Apple: Favorite popular HC?Autistic deku and todoroki, and dissociative todoroki.Idk how popular it is, but trans all might is p canon for me.Hard of hearing Bakugou makes sense to me tooPineapple: What do you like the most about BNHA, as a whole?All Might and his... whole.... living and learning to live with not being able to do what you were once able to do. Dealing with chronic physical issues, and ... being self sacrificial and destructive, and being burdened with the weight of the world, and... his conversation with Inko where... he’s like ‘I’d die for Deku!’ and she’s like ‘ok but will you live for him? all might, you need to live’.It’s just... older mentors/characters who are willing to die, being told they need to live... or being encouraged to do so... to have their lives not just used to further their students... I don’t know that whole thing with All Might was good.

[artificialnnocturne-blog]

Introduction post

Im kale, nonbinary transmale, 3rd year BFA painting major completely a compulsory minor in art theory(history). I’m incredibly mentally ill, theres a lot of things wrong with me.

Im dyslexic, probably autistic, i have confirmed sensory processing disorder, with major issues with my hearing, generalised anxiety disorder and depression, possibly bpd traits, i also have trans related shit, and incredibly large list of allergies and an eating disorder.

Im finishing my major with third year, im currently functioning below my standard and a PP or C level. Despite all my issues in the past ive functioned at a Distinction and High Distinction average. I want to finish second semester with a good mark.

Im self taught lang student, with basic primary school knowledge of japanese(7yrs) amd german(5yrs), and a grade 11 knowledge of french. Since finishing highschool, im self taught French, sitting at a intermediate level, relearning Japanese, and beginner korean. Im struggling to find accademic resources that kater to my needs.

Im also a casual violinist, focusing on folk/fiddle styles.

[enderon]

I just realized that I never mentioned my RvB Pizzeria AU that never went anywhere. Essentially, Church and Sarge are the owners of two pizzarias that happen to be right across the street from each other. There's supposedly some 'huge competition' for which is better, but the reality is that both places suck equally as bad. Church is super tired and snarky and possibly borderline depressed after his military wife was reported MIA about 15 years ago. Wash and Carolina are his kids, with him and Carolina having a really strained relationship to the point that he almost never sees her, while Wash is a collage student and comes to the shop nearly everyday for money and food. Church keeps offering him a job there so he can stop 'borrowing' the money, but Wash insists he wants to focus on his studies. Tucker is a highschool dropout who's kind of really shitty at his job and he flirts with the few customers they get. Church let's him stick around cause he's pretty good company, also because Church finds out that he's trying to support his son Junior that his girlfriend dumped on him back when he was in school, the reason he dropped out. Caboose is a highly autistic high schooler with a large great Dane named Freckles and a Norwegian Forest cat named Santa, who both love him but hate everyone else. He is also, really bad at his job, but Church has a huge soft spot for him so he lets him keep working there. He won't admit it, but Church is worried about what will happen to Caboose when he graduates, and is willing to let him work there as long as he needs. Meanwhile, Sarge is an ex military Sargeant who served time over seas and now suffers from PTSD. He runs his shop like a military unit, to the mixed reviews of his employees. Lopez was in the same unit as him back in the military, having lost both of his legs, one of his arms, and most of his sight in a horrible explosion. He and Sarge are roommates and he handles most of the finances, despite only ever speaking Spanish (he can speak English, he just only speaks Spanish to fuck with Sarge and the others). Simmons is a student at the same college as Wash, having taken this job in order to better learn about responsibility and prove that he can be successful out if a school environment. Sadly though, despite being great at following orders, he's pretty bad at making pizza. Griff is a college dropout who, despite being really lazy, is trying to take care of both himself and his highschool​ aged younger sister after their mom died two years ago. He and Simmons actually knew each other before, from some mutual classes. Donut is a freshman in college and is having fun coming into himself and experiencing life away from home and his parents. He chose a pizzaria job because he says that cafes and coffeeshops are too cliche. Tex is the only regular customer of Church's shop, who only ever comes in when Church isn't around. She's gotten pretty cozy with both Tucker and Caboose, and has even met the guys from across the street. Tucker has suggested she meet Church many times, but she always declines, saying it's for the best. She's been in when Wash was there one time, and was very uncharacteristically nervous and jumpy around him the whole time. He said that she seemed really familiar when Tucker mentioned it to him.

[solipsistful]

we've heard of the whole "endogenic systems actually have mdd" and its making me? really paranoid? like what if im actually just daydreaming or fantasizing too much

(MaDD -- just cause MDD is already set aside for Major Depressive Disorder :V)

we totally get it yeahhh. like, full disclosure: we (ie the original) daydreamed a lot through most of highschool -- not really in a maladaptive sense, something more like the “autistic travelling” that this blog talks about (some descriptions of maladaptive daydreaming considers “replacing human interaction” to be maladaptive in itself, is why there’s some argument about the term ;P) like, hours (high school classes were very understimulating oops. and then at home, our main hobby was roleplaying and then thinking about that world when not roleplaying.)

and parts of that have obviously affected our system: our complex headworld and the way plenty of headmates came come from it, Serpent’s pasts, etc. part of the reason it’s very hard for us to say what our headspace looked like / who was around before a certain age is because there was plenty of mental imagery, but was it daydreaming?? was it headspace stuff?? was it that embarrassing middle school phase where we thought maybe that stuff was real and we could one day worldhop the fuck out of here?? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

i hardly “travel” anymore (in fact i’ve been feeling a bit bad for not paying as much attention to the headworld recently) it petered out when we were 18/19 -- unfortunately, also the time when we identified ourselves as multiple. hopefully the connection to “shit this is just another form of fantasizing” should be obvious XD (a kinder explanation for ourselves: that’s also when we went to college, picked up activities like student clubs, just generally had a more engaging outside world)

but like... at least the kind of daydreaming that MaDD most often points to doesn’t involve people taking the front, or really being “interested in” the outside world at all, especially if that “interest” is then shot down by “the daydreamer” and causes constant arguing. i mean, systems are gonna be different, but I think there are a lot of multiplicity experiences that really don’t look like fantasy, whether that’s switching or different memory banks (even internal -- Serpent keeps assuming i know shit about him) or constant intrusions and commentary when not thinking about them, etccc.

dunno how much any of that might be relevant to yall, and maybe more than you asked, but. yeah.

- Ace