#and Rocky has been my favourite since childhood

[saint-vagrant]

Oh I forgot to ask a question!

😂

Ok, here it is: Who’s your inspirations for your artistry?

Big question, I know.

^__^

hmmmm you're right, that is a big question! since you asked "who" i'm going to assume you mean other artists?

for painting i'm particularly inspired by Anthony Cudahy, Alex Beck, Sterling Hundley, Ashley Wood (all contemporary,) Euan Uglow, Joaquin Sorolla, Sargent, Arkady Plastov, Ivan Shishkin, Konstantin Yuon, Ferenc Pinter, and a number of names in the Brandywine school like Mead Schaeffer and NC Wyeth.

i reformatted my brain a little in 2021 by reading Fujimoto's Chainsaw Man. Other mangaka are Hirohiko Araki, Kosuke Fujishima, Otomo, Inoue, Urasawa, Miura. the 2S artist Brandon Hoax is a HUGE inspiration to me. same for Chase Conley, Peter Chung, Freddy Carrasco, Xia Gordon, Ron Wimberly, Chris Kindred, Mel Tow, Hiro Isono, mozame_mo, Yoshitake Yamane, @maxbanshees @potogawaryuiki @coshkunz @cparrisartand @fourcorneredgod @newjackcole @choodraws @doctop @hirosemaryhello @nocturnalwalkr @fanficciera @oak-n @purenonsens @juangeedraws @plaest2k @blackblobyellowcone @turndecassette2 many more friends and strangers whose work i'm delighted to spend time traveling thru (and whose names i'll add in once i publish this enormous reply lol. rn i'm afraid of tumblr eating it!!)

most importantly, my partner Anka @kingfisher-cove charmed and captivated me from day one. the personality and dynamism of their work, specificity of place, time, body, personal effects, there's always been so much life in their art. i have little to no interest in stories/characters without limits, where mobility is never a concern, especially featuring the wealthy. stories where people don't sweat or pee or have "bad" teeth or talk too loud. Anka's always portrayed peeling paint and rusted metal as a fact of life. you get a sense of dimension/volume in their art— the way material hangs off a body, and that body's form, how gravity and weight conform feet to the ground— and the same goes for the personalities and ideas populating it. the viewer too has a home here beyond "representation." it's not just window-dressing, nor ponderous hyperrealism. there's cartoon whimsy and cartoon stakes. i wish i could describe the extent it's meaningful to me. i feel lucky to see it! plus i really making them yell and art is a good way of accomplishing it.

so because this is veering into WHAT inspires me...

other than like, transness and communism and everything that entails, i'm inspired heavily by pornography and leather culture, and (mostly vintage) magazines like Honcho and Juggs, 70s italian erotica/nunsploitation. relatedly, the lush scenes of Pierre et Gilles and Tarsem and Christian Riese Lassen. i'm also deeply inspired by hyperlink/multimedia art, such as that by Olia Lialina of @oneterabyteofkilobyteage or projects like Ted's Cave. places and delights of my childhood like Myst/Riven, Fin Fin, rural river water, rocky beaches, soft glowing glades, sharks in coral outcrops. autonomy and dissociation, too.

with a lot of the artists i mentioned, there is a handiness, a presence in their work, a dedication to indulgence and/or experimentation, in subject, setting, medium, whatever. an interest not feigned. i also love maximalist colour and texture... in drawings, in textiles, anything! worldwide and through history. i'm inspired by golden age illustration and Iranian turquoise and carpets. miniatures. iconography. lotuses. magnolia.

you can fake sincerity of course. when it comes to making art that seems like a waste of precious effort. when i get a sense that the artist really loves People beyond serving up a telephone game of vibe-mood-aesthetic... that is cool to me. if the art isn't well-lived, then it's well-cared for. a lot of the nostalgia fodder is based on a memory of a memory that was sold for mass market consumers, so i'm a bit distrusting of it. which isn't to say that i don't love a tone poem (i do-- Legend is one of my favourite films) nor that it requires "realism" to accomplish either. i love being sold on the ridiculous. i respond well to like, an artist (in whatever respect) showing me something absurd with 100% unbridled earnestness and fearlessness about being silly. my top 3 favourite series are JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, Metal Gear Solid, and Ace Attorney. these are objectively as exaggerated in their drama as they are serious about their intent, and populated by straight freaks. one of my favourite directors is Michael Mann (Miami Vice, Manhunter, Heat, Thief, Collateral) who is known for his obsessive, even illustrative details but also, Audioslave plays during an emotional night drive. they don't let Audioslave play during an emotional night drive anymore. all these things are related lmao. let me go on a further tangent

there's an internal logic, right? and when it's flipped? that's the best. i don't mean a "twist," either. it's something else-- the author/artist revealing that, emotionally, things were always more complex than you were lead to believe, and it recontextualises the entire piece. if surprise is the best part of comedy then i think the same goes for melancholy. i love when the rug is pulled out from under me through something as simple as the reimagined N'doul episodes of the JJBA OVA. (YES! YES! I'LL TALK ABOUT IT FOREVER! I'M CRAZY! BUT I'M RIGHT!) is it a twist? nothing's actually changed about where the story is headed. you know where it's headed. but the meaning of that story has-- by creating an emotional trapdoor like that, it establishes a particular sense of suspense.

i'm mentioning these because i rewatched them recently-- films like Solaris and Sunshine and... you know what? Terminator are bigger to me than their subject matter because the emotional space they create is unnerving, where hope is fragile if it's present at all. something hard to accomplish... the bittersweet potency of ironic regret.

i'll keep adding to this. i could go on and on lol

[jcs-singular-slut-strand]

sleepover weekend from me!!

-> would you rather go to a party with jin guangshan or do coke in a gas station bathroom with wen ruohan/joke (i missed this joke tbh i had to make it)

-> yunmeng jiang sect headcannons! c'mon heap them on me. thoughts on them making, dyeing and exporting silk? i love worldbuilding.

-> choose between chengxuan and chengsu! reasons if you wanna give?

-> tell me three good things that happened to you or around you since the start of may, and also tell me about any random ass thing that irritates so, so much.

-> rec me anything honestly, i'll take it. i know you've got tolkein stuff on your alt, but if have to start lotr/similliarion (did i get that correctly), where do i start?

-> tell me about your first crush (no pressure at all, feel free to skip this)

I would do coke with Wen Rouhan in the bathrooms at Annandale Waters Service Station. They have clean bathrooms and a Burger King, I feel as if Wen Rouhan would enjoy a Whopper

YMJ headcanons

Yunmeng Jiang has the strongest trade relations with Meishan Yu out of the four greatest sects for obvious reasons.

The people of Yunmeng 100% have songs about the amazing Sandu Shengshou, which the Jiang disciples would obviously then sing just to piss Jiang Cheng off (they taught them to Jin Ling when he was merging from babbling toddler to chatty 5 year old).

All new disciples (and the older ones if they're acting in a way Jiang Cheng deems irresponsible and hazardous) are required to sit a Water and Boat Saftey Course. There's a written and a practical at the end, obvs. If you fail well then tough shit, you're resitting the course along with the disciples who have been reckless. This headcanon is inspired by my 90 year old grandpa who has sat the British speeding awareness course 2-3 times

Chengxuan vs Chengsu is actually really hard. However, Chengsu is more realistic I feel, especially during the time skip and after it. I love childhood best friends AU for Chengxuan and also all that Sunshot Campaign Chengxuan and modern AU's. But Chengsu takes the win; a high profile affair, raising a child who isn't yours with someone who isn't your husband, saltiness and self pity over the people you love choosing a Lan over you. Incredible.

On Sunday, my dad felt bad about forcing me to help him put up 2 coat racks, so he bought me jolibee and bubble tea

I went to Jolibee again yesterday

I had pepsi max for breakfast this morning

There are many, many things that truly piss me off but I can't be bothered going into detail right now so to keep things plain and simple, im gonna stick to something that's pissed me off today. Snapchat has this filter where you and a friend put in a photo of yourself and then it uses AI to generate what your child looks like. Me and my best friend, one of my favourite people ever, make ugly children. And I hate that. Why was that little girl so fucking ugly what was the reason snapchat???

I'm not sure what you mean so I'm just gonna link some of my fave fanfiction but also explain how I feel is the best way to get into the Tolkien fandom

Inexplicably around each other by adasinon = I just think this is sweet. Zhancheng nation ig

The Bounty of Our Days by remiges = Yu Ziyuan x Zhao Zhuliu, God I love them. It's like a character study and a backstory, I think it's really nice and fleshes out the characters

Sappy song on the old radio by Morethancupcake = oh my lord. Chengxian, modern au, childhood something. Past wangxian, past jiang cheng x literally anyone that is remotely bad for him. Couples therapy except Jiang Cheng didn't want to be there and they're not a couple anymore/yet, angst, coming back to each other later in life. I've only read this once but it's just that memorable.

Love you to death by KayllanBreak = Jiang Cheng kills Yu Ziyuan but no one can work out why (police inspector song lan). Wei Wuxian and Jiang cheng rocky relationship, Jin Ling idolising Jiang Cheng (naturally), Jiang Yanli lying her ass off for him, Jin Zixuan being his lawyer. Jiang Fengmian bashing 💗💗💗💗. Lan wangji is barely in this but when he is he's an utter arsehole.

Keep making trouble (till you find what you love) by Silveryogus = I FUCKING LOCE THIS FIC!!!! CHENGXUAN!!! Modern AU road trip to Lanling after the Xuanyu cave. Jin Zixuan has a talent for shoplifting (Jiang Cheng sent him to get clothes and he came back with too small trousers, yellow shirts, and sunglasses). Oh yeah and Jin Zixuan gets shot in a corner shop. Fellas is it gay to get into a high speed police chase whilst the guy you're semi unwillingly travelling with leans out the window and tries to shoot out the police's tires? Especially when said guy mentions smoking once and you spend some of the limited money you have on cigarettes??? Apparently I've visited this 70 times

Stray Dogs Parable by natcat5 = Post burning of Lotus Pier, no golden core debacle, jiang cheng recognising that his parents leadership strategies won't work in his situation/are just plain ineffective, proving his worth as a Sect Leader and earning the loyalty of his incredibly small number of disciples (the ones who survived), also Jiang Cheng sucks poison out of someone's ankle

Anyways, if you're getting into the Tolkien fandom I would recommend watching the hobbit films first, even though they're not entirely book accurate it's still a good way to get a feel of the story and work out if it's something you'd like. Then I would read the book. Same process for Lord of the rings. The silmarillion... God i actually can't say anything, you've just gotta re read the first 3-4 chapters a couple of times and then you should be fine...

My first crush is a dickhead who has progressively gotten worse and worse looking as time has gone on. I genuinely have no idea what I ever saw in him except for the fact that he laughed at my jokes and used to give me the answers in class. It was very embarrassing for all parties involved, I feel 😭

[bobbyinthegarden]

2023 Reading Challenge. Re-imagined Classic: Alec by William di Canzio

Spoilers for both Maurice by E. M. Forster and Alec by William di Canzio.

For this category I considered talking about one of the many re-writings or sequels to The Secret Garden that I’m planning on reading for this blog, but decided against it, as I consider that reading project to be separate from this one, so instead I chose this book, Alec by William di Canzio.

Alec is a re-telling/sequel to E. M. Forster’s posthumously published novel Maurice, and follows it’s titular character Alec Scudder (the love interest in Maurice), from childhood, through the events of Forster’s novel and beyond, to the early 1920s.

Before I really get into the book and my thoughts about it, I want to first talk about the skin that I have in the game here, so to speak. Maurice is a book that I hold very dear, I first read it when I was thirteen years old, at which point I was already aware that I was queer but had not yet told anybody. Maurice, to me, was kind of a revolution, here was a character whose journey in accepting his sexuality and finding love, despite the times in which he lived (the novel takes place between 1909-1913), was something that affected me in an extremely profound way, and ultimately helped me gain the courage to come out myself. It’s a book that I have re-read several times, I also adore the 1987 film adaptation (here’s a link to where you can watch it for free on YouTube) and I even saw a stage version of the novel several years ago at the Above the Stag Theatre (an LGBT theatre in London, which has sadly since closed down). Though I do like Maurice a lot, I don’t necessarily think that it is Forster’s greatest work (I think that would probably be Howards End) but I do like the book a lot, and I generally like E. M. Forster a lot as a writer, I enjoy his novels and the various Merchant-Ivory adaptations (which you can probably tell from looking at my blog).

My attachment to the book that Alec is adapting, may seem that I’m setting the book up to fail, and I’m really not doing that, I was rooting for this book from the second I knew of its existence, and I wasn’t going to buy it and read it just to hate on it. As somebody who has been known to enjoy a spot of fanfiction now and then and who is extremely interested in adaptation and transformative works, I was stoked to read this book, especially since Alec is my favourite character in Maurice.

I explained the basic premise earlier, but I’ll go into a bit more detail now. The novel Maurice is about Maurice Hall, an upper-middle class young man living in England in the early 1910s (prior to the First World War). While studying at Cambridge University, Maurice falls in love with his friend Clive Durham, thus coming to terms with his homosexuality. The love between him and Clive is mutual but strained, Clive (who is part of the gentry) insists that they must repress their sexual desires, that their relationship should be purely romantic, not sexual. The men are together for several years, before Clive ultimately breaks things off in order to get married, leaving Maurice alone and heartbroken, though they continue to be friends. On a visit to Clive’s country estate, Maurice meets Alec Scudder, the working-class gamekeeper, Maurice initially thinks very little of him, though the relationship eventually blossoms into a passionate romance. However, their relationship gets off to a rocky start, with mistrust and miscommunication on both sides. They are eventually able to resolve these issues, realise their love for one another, and decide to forge a life together, despite the societal obstacles, with Maurice deciding to definitively put an end to his friendship with Clive. The novel ends on an uncertain but optimistic note, with the lovers facing their future together.

Alec is told in nine sections, the first section being Alec’s life from birth to aged 18 and depicts his family life in Dorset and coming to terms with his own sexuality, and the circumstances that led him to being employed as Clive’s gamekeeper. The second section depicts the events of Maurice from the perspective of Alec, how the couple came to meet and fall in love, with large sections that are copied verbatim from the original novel (which was done with permission from Forster’s estate). The following seven sections depict the next six years, following the couple through their early years together, the outbreak and duration of the First World War -- during which time the couple is kept apart – to the couple’s reunion and continuation of their life together, now joined by Maurice’s sister and her newborn daughter.

Reading Alec you do get the impression that William di Canzio cares deeply about this story, and has infused some of his own experiences as a gay man into the narrative, particularly with regard to Alec’s self-awareness and lack of shame about his own sexuality prior to his interactions with Maurice – that is to say, Alec doesn’t hate himself for his own desires, which was something that I found refreshing. Speaking of desire, I was not expecting this book to be as sexually explicit as it was. This isn’t a criticism necessarily, it just wasn’t something that I was expecting. It may even be a strength of the book, as the current climate with regards to sexuality and sexual expression is so different to what it was in Forster’s day, that this book has the opportunity to be much more forthcoming about sex and desire than Forster could have ever been.  

One element to this book that I found especially interesting is the inclusion of Forster as a character within the story, as well as other historical figures, namely socialist philosopher and gay rights activist Edward Carpenter (1844–1929) and his partner George Merrill, who were friends of Forster, and upon whom the characters Maurice and Alec are partially based. Granted, it is never explicitly acknowledged within the text that these characters are the people that they share their first names with, however, anybody with even a basic understanding of the biographies of these three men would easily be able to identify them. Initially, I thought that the inclusion of these characters was something of a gimmick, but I warmed to it as the story went on, as they act somewhat as mentors to Maurice and Alec, teaching them about life and love, giving them language and models about how to live as gay men at that time in history.

My review so far seems like I really loved this book, and that isn’t necessarily the case.  I think it’s pretty good, though not perfect. I liked it well enough that I read the whole thing reasonably quickly, though there were a number of things that I didn’t like so much. di Canzio’s writing style and narrative voice is not nearly as beautiful as Forster’s, who is able to make even the most mundane moments beautiful and profound (take the moment in Maurice where Alec takes Maurice’s hand for the first time as a prime example of this), but di Canzio isn’t a bad writer either, his work is very readable, but comparison to the original author is unavoidable when adapting/re-telling another book.

One element of the book that I liked in theory, but not so much in practice is the Kitty sub-plot. Kitty is Maurice’s sister, and is a pretty minor character in Forster’s novel – though the unpublished epilogue to Maurice does imply that Kitty may be the lesbian counterpart to her gay brother. In Alec, Kitty was a nurse during the war, fell in love with an Indian Army Officer and became pregnant out of wedlock, thus making her something of a social outsider like her brother. Maurice and Alec take Kitty in, deciding to raise her mixed-race daughter together as a family, something that greatly upsets Maurice’s mother, who rejects both of her children because of this. As a plot element, I like this a lot in theory, unfortunately not so much in practice, as this plot thread is introduced on page 298 of a 337 page book, with Maurice’s mother and sisters having barely been mentioned and never seen before earlier in the novel, and thus this whole element of the story feels incredibly rushed and poorly integrated into the overall story, which is a shame, because I think it could have been really interesting. If I had been Mr di Canzio’s editor, I would have sent the manuscript back to him with a big note in red ‘INTEGRATE THIS INTO THE STORY EARLIER AND BETTER’.

I said earlier, in my summary of Maurice, that the novel ends on an uncertain but optimistic note, with the lovers facing their future together, and this novel ends in much the same way, with Maurice, Alec, Kitty and her daughter deciding to emigrate to New York (presumably because William di Canzio is American). I didn’t really like this ending very much; it seems to go against Forster’s intentions for his characters. Let me explain: a major theme in Maurice is nature and the desire for a rural life that is apart from society (what Forster calls ‘the Greenwood’), indeed in the unpublished epilogue, we see that this desire has been fulfilled, with Maurice and Alec being shown to be living in a cottage and working as woodcutters. Having Maurice and Alec move to New York seems a little out of left field to me, and not very in-keeping with the themes of the original novel, particularly since the idea of America being the ‘land of opportunity’ for LGBT people and POC, is not particularly reflective of the historical record, particularly in the 1920s.

If you haven’t read Maurice, then I don’t really know what you would get out of Alec, just as a standalone story. It works, I think, as a supplementary piece to Maurice, though does not achieve the same tenderness, intimacy, and beauty of its predecessor.

Now go read Maurice, if you haven’t!

[comet-bugs-in-jars]

book recommendation tag game!

rules: recommend as many books as you like. please include genre and some basic information on it (either your words or a copy+paste synopsis). feel free to include cover art, a personal review, trigger warnings, and anything else! just don’t spoil the book!

thank you for the tag @eloquentspeeches !! I immediately forget every book I've ever read xD I'm going to put what I do remember under the cut. Let's see~

The Murderbot Diaries by Martha Wells

This series is one of my all-time favourites. It's a science fiction series of seven books and short stories about a rogue cyborg security agent, set in a space-faring society with wormhole technology and alien remnants. The first book in the series is:

All Systems Red

"As a heartless killing machine, I was a complete failure." In a corporate-dominated space-faring future, planetary missions must be approved and supplied by the Company. For their own safety, exploratory teams are accompanied by Company-supplied security androids. But in a society where contracts are awarded to the lowest bidder, safety isn’t a primary concern. On a distant planet, a team of scientists is conducting surface tests, shadowed by their Company-supplied ‘droid--a self-aware SecUnit that has hacked its own governor module and refers to itself (though never out loud) as “Murderbot.” Scornful of humans, Murderbot wants is to be left alone long enough to figure out who it is, but when a neighboring mission goes dark, it's up to the scientists and Murderbot to get to the truth.

The Stormlight Archive by Brandon Sanderson

An epic fantasy saga spanning multiple books and worlds, featuring magic, war, and the return of the ancient Knights Radiant. The first installment is:

The Way of Kings

Roshar is a world of stone and storms. Uncanny tempests of incredible power sweep across the rocky terrain so frequently that they have shaped ecology and civilization alike. Animals hide in shells, trees pull in branches, and grass retracts into the soilless ground. Cities are built only where the topography offers shelter. It has been centuries since the fall of the ten consecrated orders known as the Knights Radiant, but their Shardblades and Shardplate remain: mystical swords and suits of armor that transform ordinary men into near-invincible warriors. Men trade kingdoms for Shardblades. Wars were fought for them, and won by them. One such war rages on a ruined landscape called the Shattered Plains. There, Kaladin, who traded his medical apprenticeship for a spear to protect his little brother, has been reduced to slavery. In a war that makes no sense, where ten armies fight separately against a single foe, he struggles to save his men and to fathom the leaders who consider them expendable. Brightlord Dalinar Kholin commands one of those other armies. Like his brother, the late king, he is fascinated by an ancient text called The Way of Kings. Troubled by over-powering visions of ancient times and the Knights Radiant, he has begun to doubt his own sanity. Across the ocean, an untried young woman named Shallan seeks to train under an eminent scholar and notorious heretic, Dalinar's niece, Jasnah. Though she genuinely loves learning, Shallan's motives are less than pure. As she plans a daring theft, her research for Jasnah hints at secrets of the Knights Radiant and the true cause of the war. The result of over ten years of planning, writing, and world-building, The Way of Kings is but the opening movement of the Stormlight Archive, a bold masterpiece in the making. Speak again the ancient oaths: Life before death. Strength before weakness. Journey before Destination. and return to men the Shards they once bore. The Knights Radiant must stand again.

and last one for now

Deltora Quest by Emily Rodda

Deltora Quest is the collective title for three distinct series of children's fantasy books. It's a series I read consistently throughout my childhood and it's one I still enjoy as an adult. The overall synopsis for the first series is:

For centuries, the evil Shadow Lord has been plotting to invade Deltora and enslave its people. All that stands in his way is the magic Belt of Deltora with its seven gems of great and mysterious power. Now, Leif, Barda, and Jasmine must unite to find the seven gems and save Deltora from an eternity of darkness.

I tag @wickedthemusicalaustralia @astillnight @stunt-muppet @beeawolf and @avatarofterminus if you want to give some recommendations! No obligation, of course <3

[kc-drama-fanatic]

My Sweet Mobster (2024)

Genre: Comedy, Romance

Main Actors: Uhm Tae Goo, Han Sun Hwa, Kwon Yul

Plot: Seo Ji Hwan is a retired mobster, now the CEO of his own sausage-making company that hires ex-cons. Go Eun Ha is a kids' YouTuber, who tries to make kids happy by using cheap, simple things, based on her own childhood and memories of her friend, Hyeon U, whom she has been searching for since he left one day without a trace. Ji Hwan and Eun Ha have several meet-uglies, but after their rocky start, grow to have a romantic interest in each other. Jang Hyeon U is a fan of Eun Ha's and a prosecutor who crossed paths with Ji Hwan before his criminal retirement, and is suspicious of him and his ex-con employees' relationships with Eun Ha.

Relationship: Every single relationship is spectacular. Ji Hwan and Eun Ha, Eun Ha and Hyeon U, Ji Hwan and Hyeon U, the Thirsty Deer employees, Mi Ho, everyone. The leads are absolutely adorable and Ji Hwan is such a simp for Eun Ha. The Thirsty Deer employees and Eun Ha have such a great dynamic, especially Eun Ha and Jae Su. (9.5/10)

Characters: The characters are all fantastic. I enjoyed finding out the leads' backstories, and even getting glimpses at some of the TD group's members' backstories as well. The acting was all great and I liked the characters a lot. The villains were interesting as well. (9/10)

Favourite Quote/Scene: The progression of Jae Su and Eun Ha's relationship, especially when all the Thirsty Deer employees joined Eun Ha's side against Ji Hwan.

Final Thoughts: This was such a great drama that I definitely recommend! Lots of hilarious and cute moments, and a green flag couple for sure (though they have their moments, of course). The plot was great, the characters and relationships were amazing, and there was a nice long happy ending. (8.7/10)

[sportsthoughts]

get to know you tag gaaaame

tagged by @timbitshockey <3

do you make your bed? I feel attacked sitting here on my unmade bed. I do try. I am very organised in other aspects of my life. I normally half heartedly fling the covers across the bed to cover it and call it a day. I am a never in the bedroom except to sleep person so I don't really see it until it's time for bed again. And when husband is home he makes the bed very very beautifully and precisely and my efforts are quite pathetic in comparison

what's your job? Professional Feelings Expert. More therapists are tumblr girlies than you'd think. Currently setting up my own practice and doing some various bits and bobs and agency therapy work on the side.

if you could go back to school, would you? Always always! I have to do a lot of ongoing training for work so I think my next thing will either be training in couples work or maybe some nutrition stuff because I'm very interested in the link between mental health and diet atm.

can you parallel park? I have a driving license that says yes but I have not sat behind the wheel of the car since... 2019? 2018? I am quite a liability on the road and have been Banned from driving Mr sportsthoughts' car because I have been known to crash quite a lot. Just as well I like being chauffeured/walking better anyway.

do you think aliens are real? I think there's some bacteria out there somewhere but I don't think it would be life as we'd recognise it.

can you drive a manual car? 99% of people in the UK learn to drive manual and take a manual driving test so they can do both! So technically, yes, I can. I'm not good at it though.

guilty pleasure? Not guilty about it ever but sports! Sports and sports fandom has always been my little 'me time' hobby.

tattoos? Nope! I can't think of anything that I'd like the look of so much I'd want to see it on my skin forever. My taste changes all the time so I would never be able to commit to a design.

favorite color? greens. neutrals. pastels!

favorite type of music? I like a lot of old stuff! 80s stuff, 70s stuff, also currently binge listening to miss swift ahead of the eras tour in London.

do you like puzzles? Jigsaw puzzles? Yes. I find them very soothing. Brain teaser puzzles? No!

any phobias? Spiders. So badly. Anything with lots of eyes. The dark.

favorite childhood sport? Sailing! I sailed competitively until I was about 15 and still get dragged out with my parents a lot. It was an all encompassing family activity that took over basically every weekend of my childhood.

do you talk to yourself? Yes, all the time. I like to narrate my life! Sometimes in conversation with people/myself/man in the sky etc. Often just me talking to me

tea or coffee? Both! One coffee in the morning and probably about 4-5 cups of tea throughout the day. Always English breakfast tea with milk, no sugar

first thing you wanted to be be when growing up? I have never had lofty career aspirations! I have always been quite interested to see where I would end up - and I had quite a roundabout journey getting to my current career! I think I went through the usual phases of wanting to be a popstar or a princess or a mermaid but I never really lusted after work or aspired to grow up and have a job. I still don't lol. I have a very good work life balance and even though I love my job and see it very much as a forever career it is probably the least important part of my life.

what movies do you adore? I have a running joke that I hate watching films I haven't seen before. I am a serial repeater and like to watch the same things over and over. A selection: Lord of the rings - especially the second one Twilight and New Moon Jackass - all of them - Rocky you reminded me of this and whenever people ask about my sense of humour I say "Jackass" and mean it. Live action Cinderella Oklahoma - the stage recording The first three Pirates of the Caribbean White Christmas - perhaps my favourite film ever? Shrek 1 & 2 - another contender for favourite film ever. Any 90s Disney. A Knight's Tale Ferris Bueller's Day Off Hairspray!!! Can't believe I nearly left out Justin Bieber Never Say Never. The first movie I binged watched. That and 1D this is us were on a constant loop when I was a teenager. My poor parents. Tagging @robindrake13 @prettyhockey @icedbatik @coffee-at-annies @cornerihaunt @reavenedges-lies and anyone else who fancies it - feel free to say I tagged you because truthfully I'm nosy and want to know you all

[neurodiversebones]

so almost everyone in the squint squad has established childhood trauma (brennan, booth, sweets), what was all of their mental health like when they were younger? how did they cope? i hope you're doing alright!!!

OH i really adore this question !!! i <3 angst potential and i love these mf's sad backstories . gonna be honest, this is darker than most things i've posted before. it's mostly based on my own experiences and the experiences of a lot of my close friends- i'm gonna put a trigger warning for mention of abuse, self harm, eating disorders , substance abuse (drugs and alcohol), and suicide under the read more . please take care of yourselves !!! nothing is given graphic detail, but use your judgement and please don't read if it'll trigger you . i love you !!!

this evolved past just . their younger years and kind of became their Journeys with their mental health . i have a lot of thoughts pls ask me more about this omg :-))

i wrote so fucking much about this btw . i didn't know i had that many thoughts about this until i started writing and couldn't stop . my brain is Buzzing with angst for them .

brennan : brennan's mental health was always a little rocky, since she really struggled with loneliness in school, and didn't have many friends . as a kid, she never really understood why people didn't like her. she knew there was something different about her, but she couldn't see why people were so mean to her- the bullying lasted pretty much from the time she started school to graduation, and it was hell. a lot of adults didn't believe her or want to help her, and so she spent a lot of her childhood thinking that it was her fault she felt so alone. she didn't get to experience friendships as a kid, and despite learning being her favourite thing in the world, school was never a safe place for her.

however , once her parents left it got a Lot worse- the abandonment, and subsequent abuse she experienced in foster care, is what triggered her to develop ptsd. she was in some really bad homes- we get a few of the details in canon (like the family that locked her in the trunk of a car for breaking a dish), but there was always more. some were outright violently abusive, like that one, some were neglectful, and some, while not actively horrible, made it very clear that they didn't care much for her and she wasn't really a part of their family. she struggled with a lot of depression and hopelessness in her teen years because of this- the abuse was really difficult to deal with, and she turned to self harm and an eating disorder as a way to give herself some control over the situation. she spent almost all her time hiding away in her room studying, so between that and the constantly chaotic living situations, nobody even noticed what she was doing to herself. a social worker made her do therapy once, but she refused to speak the entire session, and continued to do so until she was allowed to quit. it hurt her, that nobody cared enough to notice that she was hurting herself, but she didn't want to ask for help because she refused to rely on anyone else after she'd already been abandoned once.

this, along with passive suicidality, followed her into adulthood, especially because she refused to address the problem or seek help. even for a good part of canon (really, up until season 6), we see her struggle with her mental health, struggling to understand the trauma she experienced as well as struggling to comprehend that even with all of that in her past, she can have positive relationships. her friendships helped her a lot though !! her friends at the jeffersonian were pretty much the first time in her life she wasn't... alone. this, along with actually finally seeking out help (therapy and meds), helped her to recover so she could finally feel Alive again (a big motivation for her was so that she could be a good mom to christine and hank <3) .

booth : we know from canon that booth has ptsd and experienced suicidal thoughts in his childhood . the trauma of the abuse from his dad fucked him up a lot- when he was a kid, he didn't really let it show, since he was in survival mode. he tried to be the best he could, be charming and happy and smart, both to avoid the abuse and to make sure nobody found out, since it was guaranteed that would make it worse. once he and jared were finally able to escape it and go live with their grandfather, it was the first time he actually let himself feel those feelings, and it was bad. his trauma manifested through anger- he wanted to hurt his dad for the torture he put them through, but he couldn't, so he took it out on himself instead. i think he struggled a lot with self harm in his youth and teen years, and continued to struggle with suicidal thoughts. he attempted, once, in highschool, but just woke up the next morning and pretended everything was fine. none of his friends ever knew he was hurting, most of them didn't even know about what he'd gone through as a kid. but his grandfather found the note in his room that day and talked to him about it when he got home, and he cried for probably the first time in years. that's what got him to finally accept help- he didn't realize how bad it was until that conversation.

another thing that was really triggering for him was alcohol- he was a football player, and all his friends were party boys. they drank a lot, and he usually avoided it. the most he ever had was a single beer, since he was terrified of losing control and being like his father. there was one time he got wasted- it was at a party, and he stumbled home that night. jared was in the kitchen, getting something to eat . booth was about 16 then, so jared was only 12 or 13. jared saw that he was drunk, and completely froze in fear, completely having a flashback. this fucked booth up- he was absolutely terrified of drinking from there on out, and was pretty much 100% sober until he was out of college.

angela : angela's mental health was pretty good until her late teen years (around 16). she had good friends, lots of hobbies, and she was really close with her dad. we don't know what happened to her mom, but i suspect it wasn't anything good- either she died when angela was young, or left. angela had some Issues with that, but it wasn't a huge deal for most of her life, since it had almost always been just her and her dad. when she was about sixteen though, things got rough- this is when her bipolar started, and it was really hard. she would cycle really rapidly in between manic and depressive episodes, and had some really terrifying mixed episodes as well (which can be really dangerous). she started getting more self destructive too- she developed an eating disorder around this time (bulimia), and started engaging in a lot of reckless behaviour that she could excuse by being a "party girl". she would binge drink, experiment with drugs, have reckless sex, etc. people worried about her, but she didn't even understand how dangerous any of it was until she hit rock bottom right at the end of her junior year. she was wildly depressed, and could barely get out of bed- her dad pulled her out of school, and she spent the last month of the school year just trying to get better. he cancelled a bunch of tour dates just to be with her and help her recover, and with a lot of help, things did start to get better.

her senior year, she didn't feel like going back to the place that had her so ill. and so she did her final year through homeschool, and spent it on the road with her dad. this was the best decision she ever made- it's where she fell in love with art, painting all the beautiful things she saw and learning to express how she was feeling through creation rather than destruction. when she goes to college the next year , she's in a MUCH more stable place and although she still struggles, she's much better at coping.

hodgins : hodgins started struggling with his mental health at a pretty young age (like, early middle school), but because of his families status, it was frowned upon to talk about. he didn't understand what was going on with him, just that he was so, so angry and sad all the time. he thought that something was wrong with him, that he was broken in some way, but he knew instinctively that it was something he wasn't supposed to talk about. he realized he was trans sometime around this age too, which really impacted his mental health- his dysphoria was really bad at this time, since there was nothing he could do about it. he had to keep his hair long, wear the "girls" uniform at school, act like a "proper lady" when his family was around. there was so much anger and sadness inside of him that he just didn't understand or know what to do with, which lead to a long battle with self harm that continued into his adulthood. his parents were aware of this, they just... wanted to ignore it until it went away.

when he was an older teenager, there was more he could do- he chopped all his hair off, which infuriated his parents, and was constantly in detention in school for refusing to wear the "proper" uniform. he wouldn't respond to his deadname, only jack, which got him in a lot of shit both in school and at home. he was already hurting himself as a way to rebel against this, but turned to drinking and drugs as another way to say "fuck you" to his family and the life he never felt like he belonged in. he fell in with a rougher crowd, since they were the only ones who understood and accepted him, and got into a bunch of trouble as a teen. he doesn't like to think back on those years. through university, he cleaned up his act a little, but really only on the outside. he was still wildly depressed, drinking, and so goddamn angry. it wasn't until he found his passion in school that he really started to care about his life- but once he found it, he realized he really did want to live. it was still really fucking hard, but he started to try to get better. he stayed mostly no-contact with his family, and started engaging in life more, trying to find hobbies and friends and have relationships that didn't revolve around just suffering and surviving together.

cam : cam grew up with a big pressure to be the perfect child placed upon her- she was the oldest daughter, and spent her whole childhood being "the smart one". she was really popular too, and from the outside looked like she had everything. but she really struggled with loneliness, and didn't feel like she fit in anywhere due to her undiagnosed autism and the pressure to constantly mask. the pressure of keeping up with her friends, of having perfect grades, of getting into the perfect school, of making her parents proud... caught up with her a lot once she was in her mid-late teen years. her eating disorder started around 15, and it offered her a huge sense of control in a world where she didn't feel like she had much- it was the easiest way to get away with hurting herself too. and it got her the approval and praise she wanted so badly- she looked like she was being healthy, and everyone praised her for how "good" she looked. it helped her fit in.

speaking of fitting in, her loneliness and the pressure to mask was really hard in highschool. sure, she had lots of friends, but she didn't feel like she connected with a single one of them. she knew there was something different about her, but she just couldn't figure out what it was. and so, she did everything in her power to try seem "normal". her friends were big party-goers, and so she would be too. she would drink... a somewhat concerning amount at parties. it was the only time she wasn't stressing about looking "right", about acting "normal". she was fun, and bubbly, and people liked her. boys liked her, her friends were too drunk to care that she was so obviously different to them, and she wasn't worried for once in her life. it doesn't help that alcohol and restrictive eating disorders is a known Really Bad Combination.

her ocd was also a big part of why she needed so much control in her life- her ocd started in childhood, around age 9. people thought she was just an anxious kid and a bit of a drama queen, but it was really scary for her. she had a lot of intrusive thoughts about the people around her getting hurt, and so her compulsions were really urgent and terrifying because she was so scared of things being her fault. in her teen years, her ocd fed into her ed a lot, but it also isolated her even further- she was so scared of being ostracized that she never enjoyed herself and . it sucked, to be the person who was always smiling but never really felt happy.

[bugbxyjunk]

hello cj. my name is oliver. you may know me as ollie of @ollieollieoxenfreeee.

answer all 100 of the questions. every single one. do it.

bet.

2. what’s the weather like?

Humid and veryyy warm, but much cooler than it has been!!

3. are you impulsive?

yes, oh my god yes, its a really bad problem

4. are you organised?

no but i am trying!!

5. are you self confident?

HAH. thats funny. no

8. what’s something you hate about yourself?

uhhh not to get all edgy but my like entire self of being? in specific probably my body. or my scars. really hate those.

9. do you have any pets?

Yes! 3, my babies 🥹

10. do you have any regrets?

too many to count man

11. do you have any siblings?

yes, 2 technically. but. i only say one

12. what do you think comes after life?

death, probably

13. what colour is your water bottle?

mainly blue, its git sharks on it :3

14. have you ever dyed your hair/would you ever want to?

its actually dyed rn

16. do you believe in aliens?

YES

17. do you believe in ghosts?

YES

18. do you believe in karma?

yes, actually

19.do you believe in astrology?

ehh kinda? not really, but i also don't know a lot about it

20. do you believe in luck?

Yeah

21. what is/was your favourite subject in school?

Not to be That Stereotypical Person™ but definitely art

22. what is/was your least favourite subject in school?

Math. i hated the class, i hated the teacher, i suck at it, and ive never been good at it.

23. how long have you been friends with your longest friend for?

Considering i only have one stable friendship, almost 3 years i think? maybe 2 and half

24. what do you do in your free time?

i have too much free time in the summer, and lately ive just been on my phone and listening to music/watching YouTube

25. what do you do under stress?

Cry? Panic?? okok fr though if theres a more suitable leader i let them handle things and panic quietly, but if i have to take the lead i can, then i fall apart afterwards. by myself. away from anyone else, of course of course

26. who/what do you turn to to vent?

okok honestly? no one? i mean i go to J (irl friend for those that don't know) for smaller/easier to handle things. but. really i try to deal with everything alone

27. spicy, sweet or savoury?

Sweet, probably

28. what’s your favourite drink?

Strawberry watermelon Ice drinks 🙏

29. what’s your favourite cuisine?

cuisine is so fancy for what I'm about to say, my mom's Alfredo shits delicious

31. what are you wearing right now?

women's beach shorts that r wayyy too big and a grey oversized Harley Davidson shirt

32. what’s your favourite time of day?

Night time !!

33. who do you trust the most?

My mom or J

34. do you trust anyone completely?

Nah

35. would you ever want to get married?

Noooo thank u im good

36. would you ever want children?

NO. i will b the uncle to J's kids, i shouldn't be allowed my own kids i can barely keep myself alive

37. do you have any allergies?

Pollen. and i think caramel??? i don't know i cannot eat that shit

38. do you hate anyone?

Yes

40. what is your relationship with your family like?

Pretty good now, it was pretty rocky for a bit and well childhood was. something. but its great now, my immediate family is my priority in life

41. what is your middle name?

Next question

44. do you like making art?

Yes! its kinda like therapy. and much cheaper.

45. do you believe in the death penalty?

Yeeesh thats a heavy question dontcha think? i think if you're a r--pis- yeah fuck the fuck right the fuck off. I do not care. but i don't think im allowed to speak beyond that, im not qualified

46. do you follow routines/plans easily?

I actually prefer them, i get overwhelmed without them

47. growing up, what did you want to do in life?

I wanted to be a pretty woman with a husband and children and be a vet, a lot has changed since then

48. what is your favourite album?

i don't think i really have one? i don't really pay attention to names/albums on what im listening to, i just enjoy the music. this is why music connoisseurs hate me

49. what’s something you’re grateful for?

My mama 🫶🫶

50.what’s a food you hate?

Tomatoes. for various reasons.

51. would you rather lose your legs or arms?

uhhhhhhhh legs? i guess??

52. what is the most important thing to you right now?

Getting ny shit together for school so i can get a good fuckin scholarship

53. what’s the last dream you remember having?

Something about my grandfather? and a train. it definitely had something to do with something I don't like digging up sooo

54. do you believe in soulmates/true love?

I guess, yeah i do. i think ive met mine, since they aren't always romantic. twin flame is the platonic version i think?

55. what is your favourite word?

Shark, maybe. Or like, Slippery, funky ass word

56. would you rather be loved, trusted or respected?

Loved or trusted, people don't respect me much already so like i can handle not being respected

57. would you want to be famous if you had the chance?

Depends i guess, id like act in something that sees people one day, so sure why not

58. what are/were you like in school?

Horribly quiet, and awkward, and clumsy. and also 'intimidating'

59. who’s the last person you talked to?

J my bbg 🫶🫶🫶

60. what would your perfect day be like?

Getting adequate sleep, spending the day at an aquarium with a loved one(romantic, platonic, queer platonic, i don't care), swimming, or just laying quietly with a lover, i don't need much to be Happy

61. where is a place that you’d love to visit?

THE GEORGIA AQUARIUM !!

62. what is your main goal in life?

Help as much of the ocean and sea life as i can, they're vital to this planet and just as important to take care of.

63. do you exercise often?

Not as much as i should, no

64. do you play any sports?

Im gonna be on the swim team again! i was on it in 8th grade

65. do you play any instruments?

Nah, but im gonna learn bass

66. what is your earliest memory?

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh i don't wanna talk about it so lets say getting my first build a bear from my aunt

67. if you could have a superpower, what’d you choose?

Shapeshifting.

68. what kind of person annoys you the most?

Uhh people who assume they're better than you for "xyz reason"

69. what is your biggest pet peeve?

People who talk in the middle of tests, or people that are rude to cashiers/customer service people for no reason

70. what’s your favourite number?

13

71. have you ever been in love?

Yeah, and i sometimes i feel like i still am

73. what is your deepest fear?

damn this is getting personal jeez, death? serious sickness/ailments, and doctors. also my half brother and his ex gf

74. have you ever met anyone famous?

i don't think so

75. cats or dogs?

Cats!!

77. how do you deal with loneliness?

uhh im kinda used to it, but if i ever cant deal w it i get into the shower and crank the knob all the way to hot

78. what’s your favourite animal?

is this a real question. SHARKLSKSKSKSKKSKKSHSJDHH!!!!!!!

80. would you rather freeze or burn to death?

uhhhhhhh burn? i feel like it'd be quicker maybe

81. what are some of your bad habits?

Biting my mouth, picking the skin on my fingers, and yk other things

82. what do you do when you’re angry?

Yell, hit my pillow, get in the shower and crank the knob all the way to hot. cry.

83. what is something that you’d want to learn?

Astronomy

84. what’s your favourite insect?

hmmmm Picasso beetle, they pretty

85. what are your thoughts on euthanasia?

god, its sad but sometimes if there's no other answer it might be best? like if my baby, my dog, had an incurable thing thay made life a pain for her every day and she wouldn't/couldn't get better i wouldn't want her to be in pain. i never want to see any of my animals in oain

86. what are your thoughts on your name?

Love it, thought of it myself, just wish id come up with Cj first instead of what other people know me as irl (Corey/ my deadname)

87. what’s your favourite name?

My favorite name..hmmmm...i don't know, i love all names, they're special in a way that I cant choose a single best one

88. would you rather go back or forward in time?

Back, i suppose..fix some things yk?

89. what are your thoughts on roller coasters?

I don't know, its been years sinec ive been on one

91. do you believe in love at first sight?

Nah, i don't think you can love someone instantly. you can experience attraction at first sight, but i genuinely don't think you can love someone at first glance. unless its an animal, then obviously yes.

92. what is something you’re currently worried about?

School, life, my friend, my mom

93. what was your childhood like?

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh lets not open that can of worms

94. how long do you usually sleep for?

when i di get to sleep? around 10 hours in the summer 💀, usually around 3-6 during school

95. what hairstyle do you have right now?

something like this

(NOT ME!!!!! found on Pinterest)

96. if you could be one age for the rest of your life, what’d you choose?

uhh probably like 25? maybe?? idk

97. what genre of music do you listen to the most?

Uhhh pop..indie i guess? musicals too

98. where do you come from?

The US 🇺🇸🦅🦅🦅

99. do you curse/swear often?

Yes i do

100. what is the meaning of life?

Boys kissing me.

[katseducblog]

Me (or one sixth)

I am from my childhood bedroom’s peeling blue wallpaper, 

from making the first snow out of asbestos. 

I am from diluted orange juice and the sting of Tiger Balm on wounds that still haven’t quite healed.

I am from three generations — three sets of hands and one heart, all crammed into the kitchen corner folding dumpling skin, dog-earing them, as if creasing a page in our collective memories.

I am from my sister’s overgrown green onions, willowy jade stalks that shot up from the abandoned bath tub in the yard, towering over her. Sometimes I wonder if she could have been that tall, too, if given the space.

I am from dozens of torrented DVDs being tossed around like frisbees, the reflection of the sun on the silver disc casting tiny rainbows on scribbled-on walls — a light that has since been lost.

I am from my mother’s mouth, the manifestation of her wanting a girl and then getting three — one after another, like the mangoes that she said used to fall from the trees back in rural Laos.

I am from the rocky waves of the East Sea, from the rotting wood of the fishing boat that my father stowed away on, the salt of the ocean below almost as coarse as the demeanour of the border guards that stopped him.

I am from silent sacrifices and loud scrapes of my mother’s favourite fruit-cutting knife on the worn exterior of her wooden chopping board, each notch keeping tally of all the times we received a plate of fruit in lieu of an apology.

I am from days of absentmindedly gnawing on these fruits, the nectar both sweet and bitter on my tongue.

___

For this reflection, I chose to write an I-Am-From poem, as it served several purposes: it allowed me to heal my inner child by reengaging with an activity that I have not done since grade school, as did it prompt me to reflect on how much has changed since then — both in terms of my own personal development, as well as how I claim my identity and history. 

Growing up, I had teachers that wove parts of their culture and identity into the classroom, and now that I am looking at myself through the objective lens of a future educator, I now find myself trying to synthesize and pick apart what facets of me should be presented when I am teaching and relating to my students. Jo Chrona describes our connection to identity as being “inextricably linked to learning […] it’s what connects us to the world around us, to the land that we are on” (4). She points out that our self-definition is integral to separating information into knowledge/content/skill bases, thus aiding us in streamlining and outlining what values and what learning should be happening under our watch. 

Diving back into the idea of us being connected to the land, the process of penning this poem had me musing on my status as a child of the diaspora, with refugee parents. Land to me, ironically, ebbs and flows; Canada is both home and not. Land itself does not move, but the concept of it and how much I find myself in one place or another does. I do think that the “melting pot” of diversity that Canada prides itself on is to be lauded, however. It is in keeping these individual, non-homogenous experiences that allows a rich depth of learning. The Meininger article outlines that “only in a direct social environment in which people are not anonymous to one another [can] they can separate themselves from the disciplining, assimilating and annexing forces that dominate society” (35). Thus, by knowing who I am and what shapes my identity, I can be a better educator by including all sorts of backgrounds and experiences.

As I move forward, I will continue to ask myself: how much of myself will I show and how much will I conceal? How do I peel back biases that may have come with my cultural upbringing in order to better listen and support those around me?

Chrona, J. (n.d.). First Peoples Principles of Learning. Open School BC. Retrieved November 7, 2023, from https://www.openschool.bc.ca/indigenoused/pdf/Module2VideoTranscript.pdf

Meininger, Herman. (2013). Inclusion as heterotopia: Spaces of encounter between people with and without intellectual disability. Journal of Social Inclusion. 25-44.

[taketheplanspinitsideways]

Favourite Character Meme

Thank you for tagging me @indigo--disco As always, I love these and you’re the only one that ever tags me which I love you for! 

RULES: Name 10 favourite characters from ten different things (books, tv, film, etc.) then tag ten people.

Robert Sugden (TV - Emmerdale)

Jac Naylor (TV- Holby City)

Ben Mitchell (TV - Eastenders)

Rocky Balboa (Film - Rocky)

Ron Weasley (Book/Film - Harry Potter)

Lord Percy (TV - Blackadder II)

Windsor Horne Lockwood III (Books - Myron Bolitar series by Harlan Coben)

The Doctor (TV- Doctor Who)

Chandler Bing (TV - Friends)

Maurice Moss (TV - IT Crowd)

I don’t know if you do much outside fandom but I tag @ee-ballum @lovelysiren88 @gatergirl @hufflepuffy1 @queerklingonkehleyr @star12345x and @youbirddarling and anyone else who wants to join in or I’ve missed out. I love to know more about everyone!

[ghostie-luther]

Okay so I have been randomly flung back into my tmnt obsession phase I had as a child thanks to the new rottmnt movie on Netflix.

As you know, I love making things human au.

So.

Some personal headcanons!

(From a modern, adopted au, TMNT 2012 VERSE)

Leo

- full japanese

-17

-the only biological son of Hamato Yoshi

-he has naturally black hair, but dyed it so that when the light hits it, it shines blue. Like a raven, or crow.

-a warm complextion, slightly tanned from his father. His mother was ghostly pale (before she was actually a ghost LOL)

-deep black eyes that light up when talking about something he likes.

-he contests with Raph about his height, and always gloats that he is an inch or two taller. (He has dad check, for fairness).

-a lanky but slightly muscular body due to his training from early childhood

-he can speak fluent Japanese and English, and is working on Cantonese and mandarin.

-absolutely loves languages, the same as Mikey.

-was introduced to Karai through his father, and instantly developed a thing for her. Couldn't stop looking at her, imagined a life together, etc.

-this immediately ended when splinter dropped the sister bomb.

-poor boy avoided her for a while after that.

-is the most formal and disciplined with his training. Follows his father to a T. Like a mini splinter.

-absolutely excels at meditation

-the two of them lived in Japan until 6 years after his birth.

-After the move, splinter couldn't be bothered to cook him dinner as they had not properly settled in, so he took him to a resteraunt.

-he was told not to be rude as he loudly asked in English why people were not using chopsticks. People stopped and smiled, but Splinter was still mortified.

-didn't actually want to foster his brothers at first. In fact, he argued loudly against it, not wanting to share his father. Of course Yoshi was stern with him, but had an open conversation about how although Leo had an opinion, he also had the decision to open up his home, and grant others the family and same opportunity he had always had.

-he still was unsure, even after this. But once Raph arrived, a singular black trash bag filled with his belongings, face hard and knuckles stained with blood, he understood.

Raph

-the first of the brothers to be adopted.

-he was 10 when he joined the Hamato family, though it wasn't made official until he was eleven.

-currently is 17, three months younger than Leo.

-He is African American

-he was born in Chigaco but moved to the bronx mid childhood, and has the heaviest accent in the family

-when raph arrived he'd shaved his head completely, nearly down to the scalp

-since growing in the Hamato household, he let himself enjoy things specific to him, and grew his hair out

-right now he's rocking the sickest locs he's ever done

-he dyed the ends of his hair red in the bathroom sink

-went in to shower and came out with a whole new hair style

-splinter just eyed the front door and wondered if it was too late to go back to Japan and leave them there. Why must his boys love hair dye so much?

-nearly had his suitcase accidently packed and by the door when he found the stained bathroom. Raph was scrubbing that for HOURS.

-although he started training Martial arts through splinter at 11 to help his anger management, he has a very stocky but tall build do to his OLD anger management. Boxing. Dude can throw a punch.

-vibrant natural green eyes, which he gets from his father

-permanent forroughed brow lines LOL

-can only speak one language

-his favourite food is beef bunny chow. His mother's best dish.

-his father split and left them when he was a child, and from then on it was his mother, him, and his older brother

-his brother was much older, and unfortunately had a rocky outlook on life.

-he was placed in a juvenile detention centre when raph was 6, and he was 17. His mother, who was getting older at that point, couldn't handle the stress, and her health started to decline.

-Raph did everything he could to help his mother. He cleaned the house, did the chores, shopping, and when she became bedridden, did everything she asked. The two were inseparable.

-his brother was released, but then committed armed robbery, and was placed in jail. Real jail this time.

-then, when he was nine, his mother passed away peacefully in her sleep, him holding her hand the whole time, sleeping soundly beside her. His heart ripped in two when he woke up, and she didnt.

-due to his brother being in prison, he was put in a foster home. He got into many fights there, and became a rough, competitive boy. Iife wasn't fair to Raph, so why should he be fair to other people? He sent many boys to their forever homes with stitches in their heads.

-the foster matron had enough of other boys getting hurt, so she placed him in emergency care with someone who had eagerly put himself on the list over a year ago.

-Raph tried to fight Leo the second day at his new home. And was put in his place.

-but it's fine. If anything, he'd found a new challenge. It was worth the stay.

-seven years later, Leo and Raph are thick as theives, though the younger siblings and their dad don't tend to see it.

-he still has his rough attitude, but it's been sanded down to brotherly concern, annoyance, and love by now.

-hes the most over protective of the bunch, and isn't afraid to show it.

-speaking of brothers, his biological one is getting out soon...

Donnie

-the 2nd addition to their little home!

-hes 16, and the tallest of the bunch, much to the elders dismay.

-dude this dude is fucking LONG

-Latino (Italian)

-has a big gap in his teeth from not being able to afford braces as a child

-unconsciously blows air through it and whistles through it while he's deep in his work, and blocks it with his tongue to stop the noise, then does it again.

-cute brown eyes, but lowkey squinty because he grew up with no glasses. (Spoiler, he was supposed to have glasses). Now walking around without his NICE, SHINY, NEW, PRESCRIBED GLASSES is a habit that he can't shake off.

-grew his hair out because he got tired of cutting it. It's a gorgeous caramel colour, but he's thinking of dying it darker to get less compliments on it.

-full of anxiety, but refuses to take his medication because it makes him sleepy and why would you sleep when you could do EQUATIONS.

-hes actually been in the foster life the longest. He'd lived in the same foster home from the ages of two till twelve.

-it kinda broke him down. Sitting in his little corner all day everyday, watching all the old kids drifting out, new kids coming in, and repeating the cycle. (Why didn't anyone ever choose him?)

-is naturally super smart, and got so bored with life to the point where he found he couldn't have conversations with someone unless he was solving invisible questions in the back of his mind

-people stopped talking to him after he let that slip.

-he doesn't know what happened to his parents, but doesn't care enough to find out.

-he was running from bullies at school when he ran into Raph

-like literally. Ran into him. Wacked his nose so hard it started bleeding.

-(this was before his growth spurt, so his nose buried itself in Raphs shoulder)

-Raph scared the kids off, and demanded to know which one of them broke his nose.

-was not happy to hear the "you" part of that.

-so he took him home to Splinter to get cleaned up and taken safely home, and they just got talking until the subject came up on homelife and well, Raph had already gotten attached!

-the rest is history

-he can only speak one language, English. He'll only ever sit down and study something if there's some sort of Math or science involved.

-to his knowledge, he is an only child. Well, biologically anyway.

-has a slight lisp due to the placement of his gap.

-HUGE MASSIVE MONSTER CRUSH ON APRIL

-will trip over his tongue and forget English in her presence.

-he doesn't know this, but April kinda likes him back? It's only the beggining of her feelings, though, so she'll see where it takes her.

-Oh, and, she's not oblivious. She knows he has a massive crush on her.

-will eat anything junk food, and anything that will go in the microwave

-sometimes he's so into something they don't see him at dinner

-really REALLY wants a pet cat

Mikey

-oh my god where to start.

-hes 14, and is the last adopted

-He was adopted when he was twelve, a little over two years ago.

-now, nobody knows what his actual heritage is, and Splinter promised him that when he turns 16 they'll take him to wherever they needed to to find out.

-however...the baby of the family was born in Hawaii!

-this is where the confusion comes in, because he definitely isn't a native. More of a local?

-he has off-white skin (that actually can turn pretty tan, after the sunburn), baby blue eyes, and is absolutely smothered in freckles.

-all over his face, shoulders, arms, and chest. They're everywhere.

-golden blonde wavy hair that goes in every direction but DOWN.

-was accused of dying it because his roots are a dusty brown. It wasn't, and he nearly bought bleach to prove it.

-is the shortest, to no surprise.

-very skinny too, despite years of dancing and running around. He definitely has some muscles, and strength, but it isn't defined, to his disappointment.

-always covered in some type of scrape, cut, or bruise. He never knows where they're from.

-will blush from his shoulders to the roots of his hair when truly embarrassed. The others make it a game, who can get mikey the most red? (without saying anything to make him insecure).

-ADHDADHDADHDADHD

-he can speak fluent English and Hawaiian, which was the language he spent most of his life speaking.

-despite being the happiest and friendliest of the bunch, he keeps his past close to his chest. He doesn't speak much of his family, and nobody wants to ask.

-but I'm the author, and I'll tell you

-Mikey was born the second sibling, in a pack of EIGHT.

-his elder sibling was three years older, and to Mikey's knowledge he is still on the island.

-his parents were in an unhappy marriage, and spent their entire time in Mikeys childhood avoiding home just in case the other was there. (It was better that way. No fights and having to hide the younger ones under the bed). But this just meant that they were neglected, left at home with no parents for days.

-Mikeys siblings were all actually half siblings, including the elder. Not a single one was fully related (apart from the young twins).

-he was four when his mother slept around again, five when the first child was born. A girl. She didn't stop after that. His dad stopped coming home completely after a while. Years later, laying with his elder step brother, his brother confessed he'd seen him not two days after the first child was born, walking around with a pregnant woman. He looked happy. Mikey stopped believing he would come back after that.

-when Mikey was six, he truly set his childhood aside. His mother kept popping out babies then abandoning them to do things that would conceive another, so he and his brother (Dami) stepped up to raise them all.

-by the time Mikey was ten, he was practically the parent of six young children.

-while it hurt him terribly to be taken away from them by CPS, deep down he knows that they probably wouldn't remember him, save for Dami, and the immediate two youngest.

-they were all placed in different homes, and as the first one off the island, he doesn't know where they are, at all. They could still all be together on the island for all he knew. He still secretly cries about this all the time.

-growing up in Hawaii, he spent his life deeply submerged in the culture. He and the children of the family were welcomed with open arms in the community, and were deeply loved by all that lived there.

-he found a love for traditional dancing, and started practising when he was seven. He picked up on it fast, and within a year he was fluid and moved with grace, putting on shows for many who loved it.

-although he part of the community, he knew from a young age that he wasn't native to the land, and as such did research and asked elders and friends before he tried to learn or join something. Nobody ever had a problem with him though, as he was the (though wild and untamed) most polite and respectful boy, despite his upbringing, and he genuinely wanted to learn and be one with the community.

-he left the island with a head crammed full of knowledge, traditions, and culture. He knew the names of wild flowers, Gods, legends and Tales.

-he got to New York and was appalled. How could these people do this to their land? Their home? Rubbish on the street, randomly attacking people, bombs, guns, and knife violence? He didn't feel safe.

-his part of the island spoke both Hawaiian and English, although his English wasn't the best, and he had no trouble being placed in the placement centre. At first he acted out, pulled pranks, disrupted lessons.

-but then his social worker called Yoshi in, and now he finally feels safe.

Random other bits:

-Mikey doesn't speak Hawaiian around the family. They knew he grew up in Hawaii, but that's it. They don't know about the siblings, his language, his dancing, his art, nothing. He's surprisingly private.

-Raph let one brother each do a SINGULAR loc in his hair, which he then tied with either a blue, orange, or purple hairband. Donnies is the worst, all tangled and even breaking some of the hair off (Raph winced the entire way through), Leo's is second best, though he's used to working with his own PIN straight hair, and mikeys is surprisingly the best. Still wonky, but the best.

-Mikey let's himself goof off so much because he never had a childhood. As guilty as he feels about it, he's glad he's no longer baring such a huge responsibility.

-donnie skipped a grade and is in Leo and Raphs science, math, and geography classes.

-Leo falls asleep in geometry. Like. All the time. He's embarrassed everytime. ITS JUST SO BORING.

-karai lives with her roomate/on and off girlfriend shinigami. (She's 19).

-Karai lived with her uncle saki (who she thought was her father) until the police showed up.

-turns out she was kidnapped and there was a whole case about it years ago. Who knew?

-splinter had decided not to adopt anymore children after Mikey, and finding his daughter, despite the temptation. Five children is enough.

-(plus Casey and April, who practically live at the Hamato home).

-Raph will force mikey to jump on his back sometimes, though the younger doesn't really need to be forced.

I have alot more headcanons if you want to know about anything specific lmk :)

[smilingperformer]

While I'll avoid spoilers on upcoming eps, lemme talk about one topic relating to this week's upcoming episode based on the preview and known summaries, as like, I'm kind of scared of how they'll deliver. It's gonna be one of those big hit or miss episodes depending on what's done. At least for me.

Like, what we know about these two is that they had such a sweet friendship during childhood that had a rocky downhill due to Tokio getting sick and ending up breaking a promise because of it, unintentionally. Gou was so bitter about it for so long. And then they manage to reconnect and fix that. Tokio NEVER forgot about that, and Gou also managed to forgive him after knowing what happened.

So, because of this, I find it extremely hard to believe that the two would ever, EVER, betray each other's trusts again. It is not something I can see either of them doing. Their friendship is built on a timeless promise that they ended up keeping.

So hearing the plot being about a survival game where you go against dozens other PM candidates and need to come out as the sole survival, has me extremely scared of them screwing that friendship up. Part of me knows better than that, that there could be a hidden objective of testing whether one would betray a fellow member's trust. But like, idk. I'm still scared on a 50/50 scale.

People know how I have felt about Gou throughout the show, but lately he's actually been tolerable to me again, and Gou and Tokio's dynamic and bond has ALWAYS been one of my favourites, ever since JN032. And back in JN102, I liked how they brought Tokio back and managed to show their fixed-up relationship. So like, they wouldn't go as far as to make them break each other's trusts over a game, right? Right??

Let's just say I'm, cautious about the episode lol. Glad to see Tokio again, so glad they FINALLY brought him back after one and a half year of absence for PM episodes and glad it wasn't just a one-off return either. So let's see how JN delivers here.

[vagueandominousvibes]

Uplifting note of the day: Things get better

.

Some of you may know that I'm a philologist by degree (a fun phrasing to make people think I've got my life together, rather than admitting that, "Yup, I dedicated four years of my life to study English literature and have an MSc in it, as well as an offer of a PhD, but decided to put the academic career on hold and now don't know what to do with this degree")

What my studies have taught me, more than anything else, is to love literature and cultural expressions. Books, art, movies, music — and all their intersections. Reading? Watching? Thinking? Analysing? It's second nature

During the holidays between each term, I would read a book a day (except Ulysses by James Joyce — that one took me a week and I barely remember any of it), and then go back to my studies to read even more

I even read the first book in The Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan in a two-day period during term-time. I can't emphasise enough how much I love reading books, and how integral it is to my everyday life

Then life turned pretty sour in January/February 2021. I won't go into details, but the fact that I completed my MSc with as high results as I did still surprises me

Since then, I've been fooling around with a one-year course in the History of Ideas, which requires a lot of reading

This, y'all, has been a chore. I don't know why. I needed something to do with my time, and my parents thought more studying would be a good idea. So I applied. I got in. I studied. I've done the bare minimum to pass. And I've hated every minute spent reading the course material. I've relied mostly on what I already knew from literature, and hope I'll pass my final exams in June

Christmas 2021 was spent with a childhood friend and their family. Life felt a little better. It was still very much rocky, but better. I read The Snow Song by Sally Gardner in one sitting, and Under the Whispering Door by TJ Klune with my friend (this second one is also one of my most beloved reading experiences)

This friend's mum knows I like reading and writing, so she gave me a book about writing. She even wrote a little dedication in the cover, and I treasured that book so much and decided that, ok, I'd found some joy in reading again, so I would read this one. It was only 230 pages, I could get through it

Y'all

Life took a turn for the worse

My mental health plummeted

My physical health plummeted

I'm still catching up on lectures and reading from the last few months

Every once in a while I looked at that book from my friend's mum and thought, "I haven't touched a physical book in weeks. I should read another chapter." I didn't. And I felt like shit. Reading books is one of my favourite things, so why couldn't I? Why could I only consume fanfics? (No bashing, I love fanfics and I write them myself, but reading a fanfic and reading a book are two different experiences that I love for different reasons, and I missed reading books)

For almost four months I kept looking at that book from my friend's mum. It was in my backpack when I went to campus. On my bedside table when I went to bed. On my desk while I worked. Always withing reach in case I got that familiar itch to hold a book

But I didn't

Until yesterday. Yesterday, I read one more chapter. Then I put the book down and realised that I wanted to read more

I don't remember the last time I felt that happy. Books have always been there for me, since dad read Tolkien's The Hobbit out loud to me when I was seven or eight, and to have that want to read again? I wanted to celebrate with chocolate cake and a mug of jasmine tea

I read the remaining 60 pages today, after dinner, and I'm already itching to pick up another book (I'm thinking of reading some of Haruki Murakami's works — either Men Without Women, or Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World)

.

The point with all of this is that it's not a straightforward road. Not by a long shot. And maybe I'll relapse again. But this is a reminder that it gets better

[not-using-this1]

Accepting

Would you look at that finally a Yelena Belova oneshot?! Yes, I decided it was time to upload her on here again so she’s back :) 

This oneshot is actually from my wattpad (AssassinEssa) where I upload mostly all the time so if you want go check it out!

Hope you all enjoy this one ;)

Y/n tells Yelena that she likes women because she feels safer with her than her own family who she knows for a fact won't accept her. Yelena reveals her secret.

Warnings: mention of abuse, mention of torture, swearing (I think theres like only one in there)

Word Count: around 1600 words 

She couldn't hide this anymore, but she had to. Her family wouldn't accept her at all so there was really no point in telling anyone. She knew for a fact her father would practically disown her (not that he already hadn't) and her mother would just scream at her for hours and then try to set her up with multiple men. Of course she could withstand those things due to her past and the abuse she had recieved the whole of her childhood...but this could likely get her killed (her fathers ex-millitary and her mother and her don't even get along).

Thank fuck she was able to get away from her family due to a program...but that only put her through more torture until she became the woman she is today...although she is still fearful of her parents.

The only person she could trust and even feel safe around was Yelena Belova, although she is rather intimidating, the two women grew quite close during the whole program and after leaving it behind started to stay with one another.

Despite what other people thought of the blonde russian, Y/n knew her more than anyone else, including the black widow Natasha Romanoff. That's when she decided that enough was enough and practically ran over to Yelena' apartment in the rain without even calling or texting her first.

Yelena is her only home.

Y/N' POV

Standing outside of my favourite person' apartment, I hesistated for a moment. I don't understand why...I felt safe with her. Maybe it was the fact that I was scared even she might not accept me and then leave me all alone and I didn't want that.

No, she wouldn't do that to me and I know it, she may be well guarded and barely show any emotion but she's not evil, she understands me better than anyone just like I do her. Finally knocking on her door, I heard a loud crash and "der'mo" (shit). Before I could even open the door, Yelena had already opened it, a bandage wrapped around her hand. Of course I was worried but before I could even say a word..."Got back from a mission last night, cut my hand during it but it's fine."

Before I could even open my mouth to say a word, Yelena interrupted me as she let me in her apartment "Now, what's wrong Y/n?" I looked down at her hand with the bandage on it, still wanting to know if she is really okay and what happened...drive this conversation away from me and what I'm here for but I somehow don't think that will work. I sat down on her sofa, she followed after me sitting next to me, frowning at me...worried.

"You gave me a scare when you called me last night while I was still on this mission, I would've come to you but I had to finish it." She added. I wanted to say it but I was still so terrified that this could all possibly go wrong and I would lose the one person who has been through so much with me...we helped each other through so much pain, on missions emotionally and physically.

I tried to make sure I wasn't going to cry because well I rarely even cry much anymore, I honestly don't have much tears to cry because half my childhood I cried, because of how horrible it was...hence why I'm the way am I now with my ability to fight, spy skills and some very deadly moves.

I froze in place, didn't know what to say or do.

Yelena noticed immedietely that something was wrong, she grabbed my hand with her not-injured hand, I tensed up for a few seconds until I looked up at her, she gave me a small smile and that damn smile just made me calm down and ease up.

"Its okay Y/n, you're alright here." Yelena was clearly encouraging me but also reassuring me at the same time which is exactly what I needed right now. "I can tell you everything 'Lena but this...this might change things for us." I spoke truthfully. The thing is not only am I attracted to women but I'm in love with the blonde sat next to me. The woman who has stuck beside me since we were teenagers and when I was taken to the GRU (black widow program).

Yelena had never been easy to get along with at the start, she was willingly in the program and just wanted to be somebody...I understood that and then from their I guess our rocky friendship grew. But I knew back then that we loved each other...like we still do now and I want today to be the day to tell her.

Because her existence means the world to me.

"Look Y/n, I don't think what you're going to tell me would change anything. I won't hate you. I know these earlier memories of us are horrific but I remember you never giving up on being my friend during the program, you drove me absolutely crazy to the point we even fought phyiscally but at the end of the day we'd always patch each other up. What I'm saying is no matter what I could never hate or leave you not after what we've been through together." There was this soft tone in her voice, it was so calming and so soothing, she really did know how to make me feel safe, wanted and needed.

"Yeah I remember, I've mostly blocked out the bad memories to be honest but sometimes they come back up and I think that you'd react the same." Yelena nodded her head, she understood where I was coming from and that was clear. She knew that all she needed to do was be here and listen and that's exactly what shes doing.

"Do you remember when you and I got a little curious back in the dorms and we kissed?" I asked her, she looked at me and nodded knowing full well what I meant. "Yeah, I remember. It got you sent for a punishment." Yelena added, she frowned at me not looking very happy I bought up that one particular memory.

"Well that was because all my life I've known that I have liked women more than men since I was younger. In fact I've never even liked men. I have tried so hard to but I feel like I'm broken like there's something wrong with me." I finally got that part out of my system but the next part was going to be the hardest...if she accepts me.

Yelena gave me a smile and squeezed my hand ever so slightly, her thumb gently rubbing my hand in the process "You're not broken Y/n and there's nothing to be fixed. You are unique the way you are and besides no one is stopping you this is the 21st centuary my darling." Yelena spoke giving me a smile at the end, her voice soft as she let out a slight chuckle.

"I know but no one in my family would accept me and-

"They're assholes if they can't see that you're still you just because you are attracted to women, it doesn't make a difference and don't you ever put yourself down like that ever again. And besides you always have a place in my world and by my side." I cringed at that a little and laughed at how cheesy that was for the blonde because she's never like this that much.

"That's cheesy even for you Belova" I laughed, she looked at me and rolled her eyes removing her hand from mine "And I thought we were having a moment".

"Wait we were I just-" I panicked just a bit and grabbed her hand but in the process she dragged me down on top of her as she fell back on the sofa we were originally sat on. She playfully wrapped her legs around my waist and I couldn't help but whimper at the slight contact of me pushed against her. "Y/n?" Yelena asked sounding all serious for a moment.

"Do you maybe want a redo?" She asked me. I looked at her confused for a good few seconds not exactly getting the message "what do you mean by redo?"

The smirk on her face, however, told me everything. It was because of the fact I bought up that one memory. But I wasn't expecting her to say that to me. I didn't know how to exactly respond to her but even before I could even say another word she managed to flip us over on the sofa effortlessly and now she was on top of me, my legs wrapped around her waist this time.

"I really like you Y/n. Now kiss me before I change my mind." She states.

With that being said I wasted no time in pulling her down for a kiss, arms wrapped around her neck as she makes the kiss deeper, slipping her tongue in.

"How" she whispers as she pulls away but then kisses me again "would you" she adds bringing back in for another quick kiss "like to move in with me?" I was about to say 'yes' but I couldn't even say anything as she pulled me back in for another kiss.

"Yes of course."

"I'm so happy you told me that you liked women and I'm so proud of you. Because as do I." Yelena adds as she finally lets me sit up. "I'm happy to. Now can we sit and watch movies?" I asked her.

"Yes, but we won't be watching much." Yelena winked at me, I rolled my eyes at her but agreed.

I'm just so happy that I decided to finally tell her, it was worth it. She really does mean so much.

[ccohanlon]

an interview with c.c. o’hanlon

[In 2018, I was appointed editor of The Island Review, a journal focussed on the literature and visual art of islands, founded by Scottish writer Malachy Tallack and editor Jordan Ogg. It was an opportunity I relished, although I stepped away from it after just a few months in the role.

Shortly before I took over, Jordan conducted a short interview to introduce me to The Island Review’s readership and contributors.]

Welcome to your new role as skipper of The Island Review. I think you will enjoy it here. What three things should readers know about you?

Oh God, how do I begin to answer that? [long pause] I’m insatiably curious, and always eager to encounter the unusual or unfamiliar or unsettling. I love story-telling in all its forms; my father was a novelist so, I guess, it’s been part of my life since childhood. I’m particularly drawn to visual storytelling. Finally, I'm a sea person; I’ve spent extended periods away from the sea, unfortunately, but I only really feel whole when I live in close proximity to it — or, better yet, on it. I’ve never really had a sense of place, of belonging, ashore.

You are from Australia, which means you are well placed to help answer the perennial island conundrum: Australia — is it an island or landmass?

It's a continent with the mindset of an island. Which is not altogether a good thing. Being Australian is, in part, defined by a consciousness of being far from anywhere — there's this unsettling sense of disconnection from a ‘mainland’ that is actually the rest of the world. Awareness of Australia as an island is unavoidable if you’re living on its coasts but even far inland, the stations and small communities that survive in the arid semi-desert of the outback are kind of lonely archipelagoes, too.

Why do you think islands have such an extraordinary appeal to artists and writers?

An old nomad adage holds that some people are born in the wrong place and they spend the rest of their lives looking for the right one. Deserted or sparsely populated islands are places where ’the right one’ can be imagined and, to some extent, created, and this has an appeal to those of us who find themselves disenfranchised — or, more likely, have disenfranchised themselves — from conventional social constructs. More simply, islands suit those who want to insulate themselves from the commonplace of urban living, to restore themselves, to reconnect with nature, or to reflect without too much distraction. For me, there’s something almost baptismal, soul-cleansing, about the passage over water to get to them (and no, a flight is not the same).

You are a sailor and a cartographer. This means you must have loads of good island stories. Can you tell us one or two?

They’re not so much stories as moments: sailing alone to Les Îles Saint-Marcouf, off the coast of Normandy, to picnic atop the ruin of a Napoleonic fort on deserted Île du Large; being becalmed at night close by the Aeolian volcanic island of Stromboli as lava spilled down its slopes; being caught by a huge rogue wave south west of St Kilda and capsized; seeing jagged Skellig Michael loom out of a mist off the south-west corner of Ireland, and sailing by it so close I could see the ancient ‘beehive’ monk cells on its high upper slopes; hooking squid with traditional fishermen off the north-east coast of Sardinia, then going ashore on a tiny, rocky islet to cook black-ink pasta for lunch; smelling damp, sweet soil in the night, out in the Atlantic, when still 100 miles west of the Azores island of Flores, which is pretty much the experience its 15th century discoverer, Diogo de Teive, had.

Do you have a favourite island-related book, poem or artwork you would like to share with us?

Well, my childhood favourite was Erskine Childer’s Riddle Of The Sands, set among the shifting tidal banks of the Frisian Islands, off the north-east coast of Germany, but as an adult, The Starship And The Canoe by Kenneth Brower. It’s a dual biography of the renowned astro-physicist Freeman Dyson and his son George, now a distinguished science historian. When the book was written, George was a young, hippie-ish guy who lived in an illegal tree-house he’d built 90 feet above Burrard Inlet in Vancouver; he also built large voyaging baidarkas (a type of kayak) in which he ranged as far north as Alaska. A father who dreamed of island settlements on asteroids and a solitary son who paddled his own, self-contained islands to some of the emptiest shores of the Pacific north-west — irresistible!

What are your plans for The Island Review?

No, no, don’t ask me that. Not yet. It'd be insufferable of me to propose plans before I’ve had a chance to immerse myself in the community that Malachy and you have built over the past five years. I need to take some time to survey and understand what's gone before. Possibly, I might broaden the definition of ‘island’, possibly I might try to challenge contributors to take on specific themes. My most immediate hope is to continue to grow the readership, continue to offer great original writing and strong images.

Finally, which is best: Shetland or Orkney?

I’ve spent half a lifetime recovering from a single night of heavy drinking at the Lerwick Boat Club, in Shetland. Sleepless, drunk, I ended up being cajoled into taking part in a race involving a handful of unstable, over-canvassed, open boats, each crewed by half a dozen unstable, intoxicated Vikings who kept flinging heavy lead ingots into the arms of those of us who were stupid enough to be sitting on the windward gunwhales trying to keep the bloody things upright in a rising gale. None of us were wearing lifejackets or waterproofs or, in my case, any kind of footwear. I suspect Orkney’s ancient hermitic traditions might suit my temperament better. The Shetlanders are fucking nuts.

Thank you, as a Shetlander myself I am most pleased to hear this. Wishing you all the best as our new editor.

First published in The Island Review, UK, 2018.

[hotchley]

i swear i lived

when it’s dark, when he’s scared, when jack won’t stop screaming because he wants his mom and hotch just doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do, when strauss yells at him for screwing up, he thinks of the team and it’s like the world stops moving so quickly.

they ground him.

they remind him of who he is.

aka: memories of hotch the show didn’t give to us

i have not proofread it and it is purely self-indulgent so yeah not all of it make complete sense but it's been a long week and i needed to do something... fun? so now we're here :) 

also, this is an amazing way to celebrate one hundred followers

i’m not completely happy with the ending but we’re going with it

trigger warnings: major character death, implied/referenced child abuse, implied/referenced child sexual abuse

read on ao3!

It’s dark, and he can’t quite remember where he is, but he knows they’re on a case, somewhere in Florida which means it’s definitely worse than usual. Everything else is slightly fuzzy. He’s in a bed, he knows that much, but there’s nobody else around. The thought makes him panic. Why is nobody else here?

It must be late. That’s the only explanation for the darkness. And the only reason why he’s in a bed. But that doesn’t help him work out where everyone else is. He’s pretty sure Garcia said they’d be sharing rooms because she was travelling with them this time.

His t-shirt is stuck to him. He must have been having a nightmare. If he thinks hard enough, he can vaguely remember being hit with something, but the rest of it is a blur. If it was bad enough to wake him up, he’s glad he doesn’t remember it.

But he still doesn’t know where the team are and he can feel his heart start to beat faster and his breathing start to quick but he can’t afford for that to happen right now so he needs to calm down but he can’t because he’s placing so much pressure on himself to do it because it’s important but-

The team.

Think of the team.

When it’s dark, when he’s scared, when Jack won’t stop screaming because he wants his mom and Hotch just doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do, when Strauss yells at him for screwing up, he thinks of the team and it’s like the world stops moving so quickly. They ground him. They remind him of who he is.

And it’s incredibly sentimental, but then, he’s a sentimental person. He likes being nostalgic. He convinced Haley to keep a pirate hat because it was a memory of how they met and fell in love, and it reminds of him of how he would make her laugh. Jack took it in for show and tell.

The teacher had to excuse themselves to wipe away their tears.

He’s getting side-tracked. Thinking of Haley will make him tremble. He needs to breathe. He needs to think of the team.

Inhale for three.

There’s a blazer at the back of his wardrobe. He doesn’t wear it anymore. He would if he could, but he can’t. He holds onto it though. Because shortly after Jack was born, he got sick, like babies do. And Hotch was called in for some last-minute meeting with Strauss and a couple of the other higher-ups. Jack had been sick on his blazer, but he was in such a daze when it happened that it was only when he was rushing to his office did he notice.

Well, Elle noticed. She immediately took it off him and told him to just do his meeting without a blazer. He was a field agent; they couldn’t expect him to always look like the prosecutor he used to be.

She didn’t manage to get the stain out fully, and he can’t wear the blazer because of the extra damage she inflicted, but there was a small grin on her face when she revealed that it was slightly better. He granted her a smile as well. It was one of the few ones she received from him, and it made her feel like she really was part of the team.

They talk, Aaron and Elle. Twice a year. Just before the anniversaries of their attacks. She’s doing better away from the FBI. She has a daughter. Her name is Erin.

Exhale for five.

He had never really watched films as a child. There was too much risk involved, and most of his childhood was spent hiding, so there was never really the chance to go out with his friends to the cinema.

By the time he was old enough, being in a dark room full of strangers caused him to panic more than he relaxed and now, every time he goes out somewhere public, he finds himself profiling every single person because he needs to know that everyone else will be safe.

After the Charlie Chaplin film, there was a noticeable shift in the team dynamic. Morgan seemed to trust Jason again. Emily seemed more comfortable sitting with the girls and gossiping. Reid no longer hid his sleeves as much.

Movie nights became a bit more of a regular occurrence after that. There were days where Hotch would need to leave early because he needed to see Haley, and there were times where Reid would claim that he had already made plans, but on the occasions were they were all present, Hotch never really paid attention to the film.

He would be focused on the team. On how relaxed and happy they looked. Jason would smile at the screen, sighing when the film ended, pleased with all the loose threads being tied up and the characters finally receiving the happy endings they all deserved.

At the last movie night before he left, Gideon handed him a box. It was all the films they’d watched together, in DVD format so Jack would be able to watch them too. Hotch hadn’t really understood why it was being given to him and not one of the others, but he accepted them with a smile.

They’re proudly displayed on the shelves next to the tv, and whenever Jack wants to watch a film with his dad and aunt Jess, he picks one of those over anything else.

It’s working. Just think of the team and inhale.

That weird space of time, after the team accepted Rossi and he understood that things weren’t the same as they once were, but before Haley sent the divorce papers. There were some good memories then.

Like when some new bar had opened and they were doing a karaoke night and because Garcia knew the people, they’d invited her. And she of course, would not go without her favourite people so she had asked the entire team to come. Hotch had almost started crying when she hesitantly knocked on his office door and asked if he would be able to come. He’d never realised how much they loved him. He had always thought they put up with him because they needed to.

But when Garcia asked if he would sing with her because apparently, he was the only one with the right vocal range to do the duet with her, he realised that they did indeed love him. Even Emily was smiling as he allowed himself to be pulled on stage by a grinning Garcia. His voice was rusty- the last time he’d sung had been to Jack, and the boy had no concept of good singing anyways- but the hug she’d given him after, just for getting involved removed all of that shame.

She spent the night at his apartment because by the end of the night, she’d had too much to drink and he had offered to take her home. Morgan was already keeping an arm wrapped around JJ, and Rossi would have his hands full with Emily. Reid had been a caretaker his entire life, so Hotch dropped him home and said he would be fine.

She taught him how to make really good pancakes the next day. The recipe is still stuck to the fridge. Jack won’t eat any other type of pancakes.

And exhale. There were so many moments flooding to his memory now that they were all starting to merge together.

Morgan turning to him, Henry still in his arms. Things had been rocky since New York. Hotch knew Derek trusted him, and Morgan knew Aaron respected him, but they had both needed time to process what they’d said to each other then. Before they could actually make it up to each other, Hotch was lying about his hearing, Reid and Prentiss were getting trapped and Jordan Todd was struggling.

“Come on man,” he said.

“Everyone else is having their turn,” Hotch replied, not sure he wanted to hold someone so fragile and precious.

“Your part of everyone,” Morgan said.

Hotch had smiled and taken Henry from him. To his surprise, Henry had not started crying. Instead, he had wrapped his entire hand around Aaron’s pinkie.

“It feels like Jack was only just this size,” he said.

“You’re smiling,” Morgan whispered, stroking Henry’s cheek. Hotch looked up at him and saw that the rest of the team were conversing with each other, backs turned to the two of them.

“Derek, about New York-”

“I know. You never have to tell me. Now be quiet and let me take a photo of you.”

Hotch had rolled his eyes but allowed Morgan to do it. And if Hotch had asked Garcia to send him the photo of the two of them just smiling at Henry like the horrors they saw each day in that room didn’t exist because he wanted to frame it, well, nobody else was going to know.

Inhale.

After another case went badly- because now Jack was somewhere where Hotch would never see him, his ability to be competent had gone down the drain- Rossi came in, a bottle of alcohol in one hand, shot glasses in the other and Emily trailing behind him, looking uncomfortable as she was still unsure as to whether her presence was even wanted.

Dave left soon after he entered.

The moment Dave turned his back to them, Emily started apologising, saying she knew that was a them thing and she hadn’t wanted to intrude but Rossi had insisted that she go with him. Hotch had silenced her with a look, then proceeded to throw the alcohol away.

“I don’t want to drink,” he said.

She shrugged. “Okay.”

“I don’t want to drink because when Foyet broke into my apartment, the smell of alcohol is the last thing I remember before the gunshot and now every time it’s near me, I want to vomit,” he explained, not really sure what reaction he was looking for.

“I’m taking you home,” she said.

Because she knew he was looking for a fight. He was trying to egg her on, make her say something insulting that he could argue with because he needed to feel something other than pain and helplessness.

She would make him feel something other than that, but it wasn’t going to be anger. She was going to make him feel safe, even if it was only for a night. So instead of taking him back to the apartment- because she refused to call it his home- where Morgan had replaced the bullet and carpet to the best of his ability, but they all knew it was superficial, she took him to her home.

Brushed his hair because she could always tell when he hadn’t done it himself, and she knew he loved the feeling of someone he trusted combing it, so long as they warned him before they went near him.

He fell asleep halfway through, and there were no nightmares.

The blanket she draped over him is at the foot of his bed. It’s the one he wraps around himself when the nightmares stop his eyes from closing. It’s the one Jack wants when he’s feeling sick.

Exhale.

Derek and Spencer came to Jack’s second soccer game. They came to the second because neither Aaron nor Dave wanted to deal with the teasing if Jack’s team did even worse than they had previously done.

When Jack had spotted his two other uncles in the stands, he’d cheered so loudly that the other team had lost the ball and he’d managed to score.

Derek had cheered loudly, Hotch had breathed a sigh of relief and Spencer had politely clapped, his book tucked under one arm.

During their break, Penelope had turned up, homemade and healthy snacks for all the kids in little brown paper bags ready and waiting for them. Hotch had never seen a group of first graders so excited about eating grapes.

They didn’t need to come. But after everything and everyone that had been taken from them over the course of the year, Hotch understood why they had. They needed something good to serve as a reminder that not everything they did was for nothing. That in the world, there were still good and innocent things.

Every single one of them- Derek, Dave, Penelope and Spencer- had smiled when Jack came over, grinning because his team had won, even though they technically did not keep score in his age group.

The moment is seared in his memory because it was the first smile he’d seen since Emily “died.” And that meant more to him than the bag Penelope had specially prepared for Jack (it had his name on it, and a lot of superhero stickers for decoration) because it proved to him that they would heal and move on.

He’s signed the agreement to go to Afghanistan when he got home. The book Spencer had been reading during the game came with him, and now it sits on the shelf in his home, alongside all the other books that had ever been gifted to him.

He’s almost there. Inhale.

Seeing them, all waiting and cheering- Spencer obnoxiously loudly and the girls less enthusiastically than he’d ever seen them- was what forced him to finish the triathlon as opposed to just giving up.

Then Beth had turned up, and he saw the subtle looks of approval on their faces. It was like a weight had been lifted. He loved Beth, and he knew Jack was going to love her too, but the team were fiercely protective of each other. If they didn’t approve, he wasn’t sure what he would do.

But they did. In fact, it was Penelope that convinced her join them all when they said they were going to go and get something to eat.

They had been all sat at one table, slightly squished, but happily stuffing their faces with fries and milkshakes. Hotch had been mildly horrified that Jack knew exactly what to do when Morgan said earmuffs, but he appreciated the thought.

It was when Beth leant over and said that his family was something most people could only ever dream of that he realised how lucky he was. Because she was right. His family was a complete band of misfits, and they all looked like they were dressed for different things, but they were still his family and he wouldn’t trade him for the world.

The image of Haley had come to his mind then, but to his surprise, it hadn’t hurt, and he realised it was because he was happy. He was home. Maybe he had never really left it and it was just about realising, but whatever it was, his face had split into a wide grin and he’d felt tears forming in his eyes as he thanked them all.

For coming to support him.

For loving him, unconditionally, in spite of all his flaws.

For everything they had done.

For all the things he couldn’t say, but so desperately wanted to tell them.

And because they were his family, they had just known. It was written all over their smiles.

He wasn’t saying their family was perfect. Bad things happened.

Derek had been falsely accused of murder, and then had the past he had never wanted anyone to know about brandished everywhere.

Penelope had been shot outside her home, the one place she had a right to feel safe in.

Spencer had momentarily lost his ability to speak, his ability to do the one thing that made him feel happy.

Dave had solved the case that had been haunting him since he retired, and yet there was no justice or closure in the outcome.

Jennifer had been forced to tell parents that their child wasn’t coming home and had to listen as they hurled insults because it was easy to blame her, the image of her son just a thought away.

Emily had been taken from them because the past she had worked so hard to destroy had come back to haunt her, and when she came back, it was to icy glares and distrust.

Yet they’d recovered.

Derek continued to reclaim his body.

Penelope carried on smiling.

Dave never stopped fighting for justice.

Spencer still rambled on, and so long as they weren’t on a case, the others tried to not cut him off.

Jennifer held victims and slept soundly at night, content that she had done her best, and that was all she could do.

Emily opened up to the team, no longer afraid that her past would drown her because she had people to help her stay afloat.

They had all eventually found each other. They had all eventually come home, no matter how long it took or how long they had to fight for.

In fact, he’s about to go home too.

He can hear them. They’re all returning. They’re coming to get him. He can relax now. His breathing returns to normal- maybe even a little bit slower than normal. The team, his family, the people he loves more than anything are here. Which means everything is going to be fine. The world will not be so dark. In fact, he can even see a sliver of light.

“I am so sorry,” the doctor said to the family waiting outside for the dark-haired man. He’d been mumbling to himself. Remembering better times. But then his body had just given up on him. Too much had happened to him for him to keep fighting.

“There was nothing anyone could do. Just know that he wasn’t alone. He was at peace. He was remembering all of you. I promise.”