#and I've been working on being less ashamed of how deep i feel about things and how i interact with the world

[silvergyus]

omg ur recent soobin post! he is so emotional and intense and complex and it makes me feel so much better about myself lmao bc i always feel like i have to like..tone myself down for other people. or that im too much or too emotional or ~complicated~ for ppl. but seeing someone like soobin being himself makes me feel happy :,)

I feel the same way! I am really loud and extroverted and deeply emotional (enfp + libra lol) and so I think what I love so much about him is that he is introverted but still expresses himself and gives us glimpses into himself. I feel like in ways idols or just performers in general don't always do

like, something that really stands out to me is when he said that he felt bad because he was the only member who didn't have a good time during lolla 2022. that was super emotional for me as a moa who went to lolla 2022 and was gearing up for lolla 2023. and it's extremely vulnerable of him to share that!! like, he put himself at risk of potentially hurting fans that went to 2022 and also like, let people know that right before they performed again, as headliners. and I understand why he was so scared and why he didn't have the best time and I'll never hold that against him but I so very much admire him for feeling brave enough to say how he felt :,)

like, idk I really just feel like he's a really sensitive guy and I think it makes him who is is as a person and as an idol and the leader of txt. and I'm so proud and filled with emotion when I get to hear him speak from the heart

he balances his roles well and I've only been a moa for about 2.5 years now but getting to see him + the other members grow and learn about what they've been proud of has been something that brings me a lot of happiness

[tothevines]

sooooooo I am now officially writing a jam fic (lmao) and I said to Holly earlier how maybe posting jam fic is what I need to break the seal and start posting my other fic. because I have two fics that are both like...a week's worth of solid daily editing away from being postable. (maybe two weeks. lol.)

so I've just been thinking about why I never do it...why don't I just buckle down and do the editing and post them. and obviously there is the mental hurdle of baring my soul and letting other people read something I've written, which I don't really do anymore. I used to have such thick skin--I've survived some incredibly toxic writing workshops (including one in which the fucking professor was the most toxic person in the workshop). I could handle People with Opinions About My Writing...but I don't know that I can anymore. and fanfiction is honestly a whole different beast. it's baring my soul in such a different way, one where I could easily Do It Wrong (e.g. with characterization), and that's terrifying.

but also...I'm realizing that part of the issue is that I simply have too many hobbies lmao. every evening/weekend, I'm faced with free time and I get overwhelmed because there are so many things i could do with it: work on my fic! work on my non-fanfic writing! catch up on my shows! read a book! play any of the six video games that I've only played half of! embroider! cross-stitch! make gifs! go for a hike! learn that new skill I've been wanting to learn (lately it's visible mending)! watch a two-hour video essay about an influencer I've never heard of! repot that aloe that's gotten too big for its container! deep clean my bathroom! (cleaning counts as a hobby okay 😤)

but ANYWAY...there are so many choices. I just like a lot of stuff. but often I end up doing none of these and feeling like absolute shit because I've wasted hours doomscrolling when I could have been doing something fulfilling (but that's a whole separate issue...).

but this week I haven't had any proper free time because I just moved. so every day has just been: get home from work > unpack boxes > eat dinner > unpack more boxes > go to bed. but my brain is rotating the blorbos like rotisserie chickens the entire time, and I really want to write, but I just don't have the time for it.

but then I get irritated with myself because - why am I acting like being busy is the reason I'm not writing? I don't write nearly as often as I'd like to, even when I do have the time for it. so why do I avoid it when I DO actually have the time???

and I think I just have so many hobbies that I will use them as an excuse to not write. if I'm always doing something else (or avoiding doing anything via doomscrolling), I can't write, so I can't ever post my fic, and I won't open myself up to criticism or being perceived.

I've felt so ashamed about not finishing/posting my fic for years at this point, but sitting here at work and word-vomiting all these thoughts into tumblr dot com actually feels like I'm having a little breakthrough about it. I don't know that having said breakthrough will actually make me change my behavior, but it's a good place to start!!!

it's really helpful for me to understand that I don't shy away from writing because I Am Bad and A Fraud but rather because all my other hobbies are so much less emotionally fraught--I don't have a bunch of fear and anxiety around all my other little activities like I do with writing. (not to mention how I have based a large part of my identity on ~being a writer~ for so much of my life and how hard THAT can make writing. for reasons that I cannot get into now but I'm sure y'all get it).

but anyway. I don't have a real conclusion here besides that I hope working this out will help me spend more time on writing and less time using my other interests to avoid writing. and maybe I will be able to tell when I want to do something because I actually have the desire to do it versus when I want to do something because it seems easier/less emotionally complicated than writing.

also maybe working on rpf is helpful because I don't know if I would ever post it anyway, so it's lower stakes??? if I do end up finishing a jam fic before I finish either of my queliot fics that will be so fucking funny though💀

[playroom-sekaii]

Hiiiii! You might know me from ao3 (@imani_i!) , if requests are open could you make a little akito fic/hcs? I loveloveloveeee your works <33

Omg hi, thanks for always giving so much love on my fics, it makes me so happy ^w^ I'll try to get a little Akito fic done as soon as I can (I've been busy with school and other fics lately >m<), but for now, here's some headcanons for this little guy!

-Age range is normally around 4-7, but he can end up as small as about two in situations such as being extremely stressed or sick. Not like he'd ever willingly admit that he was feeling that small, he's a big kid!

-Akito's quite embarrassed over being a regressor in general, it took a lot for him to finally admit it to the rest of VBS, despite the fact that they're all little sometimes too. He thinks it's embarrassing and weak, and he often tries to shove away the need to feel small, the rest of his team are working on helping him feel less ashamed of this part of him, it helps with his mental health, it's nothing he needs to beat himself up over!

-The main things that make him slip are exhaustion and stress, if things get too much it's almost like his body shuts down and simply can't handle being big anymore

-He's only told VBS about this side of himself, though Ken has figured it out, Akito still hasn't realized he knows. Him and Ena are also both at a stalemate of "you've seen me while I'm small and you seemed okay with it but I'd rather die than tell you", neither knowing the other's a regressor too.

-Toya is his main caregiver, and he and Akito are still attached at the hip when he's like this, and when Toya's small too Aki works his hardest to be strong and tough for him, he's usually littler than him after all! The Street Sekai virtual singers, aside from Rin and Len, also tend to look after him, and very rarely will An and Kohane as well.

-Somewhat of a bratty little one, though nowhere to the extent of someone like Ena. He works his hardest to insist that he's a big kid, he doesn't need to be coddled, or any baby stuff like sippy cups or pacis! Deep inside he doesn't mind these things, and he's a bit clingy in reality as well (especially with Toya or Meiko, little guy can hardly bear to be without at least one of them), but it takes a lot for him to actually admit what he wants.

-Very active little one! Let him run around and play outside and he'll be very happy, especially if someone else plays with him! He also very much enjoys drawing and coloring as well, even if he doesn't do so as much while big.

-He still absolutely loves singing, doing so often, even without realizing it. While big he's a bit ashamed of how off his singing is while he's little, but he still has fun doing it! One day while the rest of VBS was little too, they ended up putting on an "event" for the virtual singers, very much worthy of a standing ovation!

-It's very rare to see him without Tsuki, a little plush fox that Toya got him. He'll never straight up say that the stuffy makes him feel safer and comfy, that'll make him seem like a baby! Tsuki just doesn't like being alone, yeah, that's it!

-When he's sleepy or extra small, he's oddly cuddly! He will cling to Toya and not let go, and Toya's slowly working to be able to pick him up!

[pumpkinnning]

Could you tell more abour the dutch culture you mentioned?

I thought dutch were more open minded in general, I was not aware of the things you described about masculinity etc

hi anon ! sorry it took me so long to answer, i was really thinking about it for a while

short answer : we elected a far right government recently, so that's that on open mindedness

long answer :

there's several periods in history where the Dutch were more relatively tolerant than the rest of Europe. For instance from about the 16th to 18th century there was a lot less censorship due to less strict printing laws in many Dutch cities, and relatively more religious freedom, and so a lot of writers came as well as persecuted religious minorities, and this made the area, especially around Amsterdam, a hotspot for art culture science philosophy etc etc and a reputation for free thinking at a time where a lot of other countries were busy going to war over religion and burning heretics and their books.

in the 60s and 70s there was a really big and loud counterculture, anarchist, hippie etc movement who inspired a lot of people abroad, and they actually managed to get some political concessions and had a deep impact on the culture of the country, which echoed for a long time. in 2001, the first legally recognized gay marriage took place in Amsterdam and it was long considered one of the biggest safe havens for queer people. we've long had very good social welfare and labor rights compared to a lot of other countries ; i think this is still the country with the best work/life balance in the world.

so it's very much in the Dutch mindset that we consider ourselves tolerant and open minded. unfortunately i think we've been coasting on the accomplishments of the past for a very long time ; stagnating or even going back in many areas. the thing about Dutch tolerance is that it's very based on protestantism and capitalism ; it's like, God has already picked his favorites and we can't do shit about it (but if you're rich it means you've been picked!!!!) ; do what you want as long as you're not bothering me and you can work and turn (me) a profit.

this is less about love of difference and more about indifference and liberalism in the economic sense. there is a kind of small mindedness about a lot of Dutch people where they seem to only care about their little normal lives and routines. people here are obsessed with the word 'normal'. the prime minister once published a letter on an entire page of several national newspapers telling the 'asocials' of the country (in very racially coded terms) to 'be more normal' (big yikes). a lot of Dutch people are proud to be average, normal, ordinary, self-centered, and even for some, ignorant and small minded.

the biggest place where this shows up is when it comes to racism and xenophobia, which brought the current government to power. the country never fully reckoned with its history of colonialism. it's still very proud to have been the 'most powerful nation of the world' at some point - which was really about having a big navy and being able to force non western countries into commerce and acting as a vanguard for colonialism, profit based on mass exploitation and subjugation that fed the so called 'Dutch Golden Age'. today a big part of the country hides behind this reputation for tolerance to avoid looking at the problems of the past and how they still impact the present. it's a very European form of delusion ; we don't talk about racism like in the US so it doesn't exist and meanwhile we put on blackface parades and treat our minorities like garbage all the while feeling very good and self righteous about ourselves. add the Dutch 'we're just a small country uwu' thing and you get what Gloria Wekker calls 'White Innocence' (title of her great book) and it stinks.

i'm harsh because i've been really ashamed to be Dutch lately. of course like any culture it's not a monolith, it has its complexity and subcultures, lots of great people and leftists who aren't afraid to speak truth to power, movements and initiatives to reckon with the past and change this, etc. but this is a big general trend.

and yes it's relatively less sexist than lots of other European countries, but we also had centuries of patriarchy here and that doesn't just vanish ; sexism just takes on different forms depending on culture. often it's about the qualities that a society values most. in the US ideal men are the rugged tough individualistic self made men ; in France where cultural capital is key, men are seen as smart, intellectual, witty, deep and artistic where women are often seen as dumb and frivolous and trivial and lacking taste. In the Netherlands, the key values are being rational, down to earth, direct, profit-driven and unsentimental ; women are often depicted as silly and overly sentimental and inefficient. it's especially considered very manly to be a tactless inconsiderate asshole who speaks his mind without giving a shit about other people's feelings.

so in the end i think this was probably about me saying why, as a (half) Dutch woman, Max Verstappen's whole 'im just a simple down to earth normal guy who is honest and speaking his mind' and 'i'm a super efficient machine who only cares about racing' thing is not charming or cute to me (especially when that narrative is often deployed as a contrast to Lewis.) it doesn't make him a relatable autistic king or whatever ; it's very much rooted in dominant social norms, and it just makes him a very average Dutch dude with all the potential for deep shittiness that implies.

in the end of course this is my opinion and everyone is some level of problematic just for taking part in a deeply corrupt and evil sport. so like. i'm not going after anyone here. but to me this is a good illustration of how a lot of things get lost in translation when you consider everything from a very american-centric or just global internet viewpoint. and giving points to Max just for being Dutch bc that means he must be open minded and tolerant is just. not it.

[libra-stellium]

Saturn transit I tracked! Saturn trine Mars (Feb 27-Apr 18, if you have mars in Scorpio 12° like meee the dates are the same)

Descriptions from Saturn in Transit by Erin Sullivan and Planets in Transit - Robert Hand.

Saturn trine Mars

Can produce many contrary feelings with focus on issues that pertain to psychological polarities (like love vs hate)

I was having a lot of deep conversations! Also talking to myself like you can't say you want [this] but act like [that] that's not how life works! lol

Potential for burnout but only if the aspect follows a long period of unsatisfying activity

I don't think I've been burnt out during this time but I have so many heavy transits going on all I could do some days was just sit on my ass lmao like recently that mars-saturn conjunction was at 14 degrees aka my rising degree smh FUN

The form of anger of Mars-Saturn can emerge either in explosion or depression

I was pissed off some days for sure! Especially with my aunt bc I've just become so sick of listening to her talk about things she wants to get or wants to do but doing nothing about it like do something or shut up omg and my job pissed me off and this show i was watching pissed me off lol at least I wasn't depressed!

Lay the groundwork for long range goals and find that it is not only possible but enjoyable to apply ourselves diligently

I went to the doctor and he asked me to lose weight bc my blood work was on the higher end of the green and I knew this was coming lol I knew saturn return 1H was going to involve losing weight at some point! I've never truly tried before ?? I was active bc I was always dancing on a team but when I wasn't in school anymore that stopped lol so i've been trying out different recipes recently bc food and ordering out is my biggest weakness! I've cooked a lot over the last couple months and it's been nice! It's like a muscle so the more you do it the less hard it feels to get up and do it again. I also got an electional reading on 3/18 for best date to get my gym membership. Putting the pieces together fr!

Will highlight times when it is best to be cautious about expending more than our immediate energy allows

I've been fucking tired bruh! I get bursts of energy and then I have to recuperate for 3 days lol

Brings acute awareness of our range of influence and power in the world

This has been interesting because one of the attorneys I work with has been showing how much he trusts me lately and I'm like omgggg he was like "be honest does my argument here sound stupid?" lmaoo It's really easing the imposter syndrome!

Mars’s drive is tempered by Saturn in the trines allowing more productive and realistic avenues for expressing ambition and assertiveness

I noticed this in the meals I was choosing to prepare! Instead of going 0-100 like "I'm gonna stop ordering out cold turkey and I'm gonna meal prep every day" I've been finding easy recipes I like and just buying those ingredients and trying it out! The rest of the time I would make it real basic with just a rice, protein, veggie combo lol can't go wrong there!

Able to organize many small details into larger tasks

Idk why I thought this one would show up in me finishing this 3000 piece puzzle that's laid out on my floor lmao but instead it was just being able to think clearly about all the moving pieces of planning my Amsterdam trip!

Content to be patient and to work slowly

I spent 3 weeks with nothing to do at work at all and that was just sooooo boring but I wasn't nearly as antsy as I had been before when that happened.

Expectations are modest and you are willing to do whatever is necessary to achieve them

My goals this transit were just to cook more and actually use the groceries I bought. Even today I ate my last banana! I'm not ashamed to say I'm a banana buyer but I only eat one and the rest stay there to rot but this time I ate all 4!

This is not a glamorous time in your life but your actions can lead to real and lasting accomplishments

Facts omg my apt is not cute rn but I wasn't in the mood to upkeep it (aka put my clean clothes away lol) but I am cleaning up on the last couple days of this transit so it better stay clean for a while lol

[moondustinfj]

Marauders - Enneagram

Remus Lupin: 9

"Still, I check my vital signs/ Choked up, I realize/ I have been less than half myself, for more than half my life

It looks like emphaty, to understand all the sides/ But I'm just trying to find myself, through someone else's eyes

Wake up, roll up your sleeves/ There is a chain reaction in your heart/ Muscle memory/ Remembering who you are

We were born to try/ To see each other through/ To know and love ourselves and others well/ Is the most difficult and meaningful work we'll ever do"

Sirius Black: 8

"I remember the minute/It was like a switch was flipped/ I was just a kid who grew up strong enough/ To pick this armor up/ And suddenly it fit

God that was so long ago, long ago, long ago/ I was little, I was weak, I was perfectly naive/ And I grew up too quick

When I see fragile things, helpless things, broken things/ I see the familiar/ I was little, I was weak, I was perfect too/ Now I'm a broken mirror

Here I am, pry me open/ What do you want to know/ I'm just a kid who grew up scared enough/ To hold the door shut and bury my innocence/ But here's a map, here's a shovel/ Here's my Achilles' heel"

Regulus Black: 3

"Maybe I've done enough/ Your golden child grew up/ Maybe this trophy isn't real love/ And with or without it I'm good enough

I finally see myself/ Unabridged and overwhelmed/ A mess of a story I'm ashamed to tell/ I'm slowly learning how to break this spell

I only want what's real/ Set aside the highlight reel/ And leave my greatest failures on display/ Worthy of love, anyway "

James Potter: 7

" How nice it'd be/ If we could try everything/ I'm serious, let's make a list and just began/ What about danger/ So what/ What about risk/ Let's climb this mountain before we cross that bridge

How wonderful to see a smile on your face/ It costs farewell tears for a welcome home parade/ A secret handshake between me and my one life/ I'll find the silver lining no matter what the cost

But I want to be here/ Truly be here/ To watch the ones I love bloom/ And I want to make room/ To love them through and through and through and through/ The slow and barren seasons too

I feel hope/ Deep in my bones/ Tomorrow will be beautiful "

Lily Evans: 2

"Sweetheart, you look a little tired/ When did you last eat/ Come in and make yourself right at home/ Stay as long as you need/ Tell me, is something wrong/ If something's wrong, you can count on me

I know exactly how the rule goes/ Put my mask on first/ No I don't want to talk about myself/ Tell me where it hurts/ I just want to build you up, build you up/ Till you're good as new/ And maybe one day I will get around to fixing myself too

Like a force to be reckoned with/ A mighty ocean or a gentle kiss/ I will love you with every single thing that I have/ Like a tidal wave I'll make a mess/ Or calm waters if that serves you best/ I will love you without any strings attached/ I will love you without a single string attached"

Peter Pettigrew: 6

" Oh God I'm so tired/ Of being afraid

I want to take shelter/ But I'm ready, ready to fight/ Somewhere in the middle, I feel a little paralyzed/ Maybe I'm stronger than i realize

And no matter what/ Somehow we'll be okay

Don't be afraid"

Sleeping at last - Enneagram

[sweetlesson]

✿ Anonymous asked: ✿ ✿ Start the new year off creative! Take this as a chance to ramble off some headcanons about your muse and their world! ✿

✿*❀*✿

{I am actually still in the development process for Saguaro. I'm unsure if I want to try giving him a first name (since I don't remember one being mentioned anywhere to my knowledge) if that tells you anything about where I stand with him currently. I feel like it's all very basic stuff right now, and most of that has already been repeated numerous times in my posts with him. That being said, let me see if I can think of anything I have yet to write out that I've been thinking on.}

✿ Saguaro has endless patience for most everything except cleanliness. Especially concerning the care of pokemon. His past occupation lead him to becoming sort of picky with the tidiness of things, but since he loves pokemon so much he has a really hard time accepting their care being anything less than top notch no matter who it is.

✿ Saguaro's favorite treat is ice cream. For all the scenes I place him in making and enjoying pastries, he actually enjoys ice cream far more. He's of course never going to turn down anything sweet, but he's definitely one of those individuals that will leave in the snow to go buy ice cream from the nearest shop. He especially likes how creative and variant ice cream flavors can be.

✿ I don't have a solid set up for it yet, but I feel like Saguaro has siblings. I don't know how many, I don't know what they're like or what their identities are or anything, but he definitely has more than one sibling.

✿ As much as Saguaro loves his educational career, there are days when he misses working in homes and getting a more personal experience. It's just one of those things where his old skills while important for his work really don't serve much of a purpose in practice anymore, so he just occasionally reminisces to himself about the days when he worked in a big staff to care for a house and the people that lived within it.

✿ Saguaro isn't ashamed of his old work. He's quite proud to have been a good butler and honestly still takes what chances he can get to do temporary work on breaks. He just doesn't go into his personal life too often to anyone that doesn't ask.

✿ Saguaro has a deep desire to be of service to other people, but he keeps himself in check with what could be considered rude. He won't go out of his way to try to convince someone to let him help if they keep insisting he don't. If he gets pushed away, he usually tends to take the hint and let it go.

{Hopefully I can get more stuff out for ya'll as I work on Saguaro and develop him more. I want to get some really big headcanons out at some point, but I'm going to take it easy. Can't rush art and all that. XD But hopefully you like what you see here anyway.}

[unfilteredgrounds]

Beauty in Madness

There is something to be said about the period of coming out of a mental breakdown. I'd liken it to weathering a particularly horrible storm-- you're not sure if you're going to make it through the roiling black clouds, pelting rain and hail, and high winds, and almost want to curse nature itself for making things this way, and then, you emerge from your hideyhole, shocked at how serene the landscape has become.

I used to be embarrassed when I broke down. Due to my upbringing, I'm sure, I saw it as a shameful thing, to sink so deep into your own misery that you scared yourself. But that's not very constructive, is it? I had the most wonderful trip with my partner, and though it was unfortunately brought about by how worried he was for me, it ended up (in my opinion) bringing us far closer together than we'd previously been.

I wrote a letter to myself upon my return, where I bared my truest feelings, those of which I've been too ashamed to really talk about.

I present as someone who is so conscious of others' feelings, someone who is kind, but there is calculation in that kindness. I don't actually trust people, in fact I find it nearly impossible to. To the point where I will actively put myself down instead to get reassurance instead of just asking for it from people.

I have no idea how to articulate what I need. Maybe this is because that part of me was hushed so much as a child that it's just gone silent completely, but it's crazy how I'd rather call myself stupid and needy than ask someone to spend some time with me, or shoot me a text more often. It's calculated in an accidental way. I am fully aware that I am making less of myself, however, it keeps me safe, because I'll not be surprised if the person I'm interacting with leaves me. I can't be betrayed if I set myself up for disappointment, and even though that makes so much sense, it's so... sad.

I don't think I've ever fully sat and come to terms with the fact that, by nature, I'm actually a very lonely person. I like being alone, don't get me wrong, but independence and loneliness are two separate, but crossing, paths. I've done so much work to isolate myself from potential threats that I've completely shaved my personality down to an insecure husk, all because I'm terrified of being mocked and shunned again. Independence is all fun and games until it's not your choice. Kinda mind-fucky, right?

And, my womanhood brings a whole other layer onto the mess. I want to be a strong, independent woman that other people look up to, but the idea of what that actually looks like has been so warped in my head that this insecure husk is my girl boss. Keeping everyone at arm's length keeps me on top. And that's not healthy.

Let's make a list.

The parts of me that I've hidden away:

-Hopeless romantic. I love love, I love showing affection.

-Wanderlust. I am an airhead, in the nicest way possible. I like to daydream, I like to play in the rain, I like soft textures and small bells and windchimes and wandering around outside, not doing much else.

-Philosopher. I have so many thoughts about so many things, but have hushed myself up for fear that I sound stupid.

-Advocate. I hate it when others are mistreated, and that needs to start being directed at myself, too.

I don't know whether it's the ever-looming autism diagnosis that is evasive as it is elating? Daunting? But I've realized just how much of a mask I have formed over the years, just how much I've added layers and layers onto myself in the name of protection, while in reality, I've been screaming, locked away inside this horrible trap with no one to help. Just as intended.

Recently, I've been trying to live more fully. Not by journaling (you'll have noticed the absence on that front), or any of the other crap the influencers say works wonders (for the content, maybe, but are you really happy?). I've gone off most of my social media. I do my best not to look at Instagram, or Twitter. I only contact people through text, and I've been vocal about others reaching out to me for once. Maybe it's a bit harsh, but dammit, I think I deserve to hash out a little bit of harshness myself. And yeah, it is a wake-up call. I'm not some fun, shiny thing that can be tucked away in a corner until someone decides they need my specific flavor. You want to be in my life? You have to be in it. And it's been working. My friends have gotten more involved, or at least they're trying to be. And that feels good.

As much as I revolt against the idea, it feels good, asking for things. It's nice, getting to voice my wants and needs, and hope that they're answered (most of the time, they have been). The other day, I got it in my head that I'd take a bath, put on some ambient music (think spa) and just focus on my breathing and how my body felt in the water. Emerging, I felt more relaxed than I think I've felt in years. It's amazing what a little care can do for you.

It's not frivolous, it's not bitchy, and if people think that, who cares??? They're not worth my time. The people that are will show it.

As long as I do my best to be kind, to be responsible, to put out goodness into the world (keep in mind I said "do my best," no absolutes), I think that will come back to me. I know this to be true. And, if I extend the trust to myself to trust in others, the bad times may not be as bad. Or at least, I won't be alone.

[dzpenumbra]

6/19/23

It's cold out. I had to close my window. It's like 50F out right now, I had to put a hoodie on.

I streamed again tonight. I... okay, I'll get back around to how that went, I wanna talk about one moment in particular.

The work I've been doing has been super meditative. I mean... like... very repetitive, very intuitive, just drawing shapes over and over and over, filling space. And I've been listening to trippy music to go with it, like the old days. Like back in college. I really miss studio art nights, and streaming is really an attempt to bring that back. So... I started with Casualties of Cool, because that's like... my go-to studio space-out album. It was great, I got a lot done. Then I took a break to play Session for a bit, that was fun. When I came back, I put on Devin Townsend's The Puzzle album, which I never really sat down and fully absorbed. I was fucking so deep in my head it's not even funny. I was just... gone. And I was streaming. Again... to no one... but still.

There was a point in the album that was like... there was a voice clip that was talking about how your suffering is less about the things that happened in your life, but more about how you react to it. And it got me. I just started wandering mentally off of that. And I started to go down some dark corridors in my head. Of like... times when I really should have been in jail, or died. Or was doing stupid shit that really... should have ended worse. Like... as unlucky as I feel... --- I mean, I was born on the 13th, I've always claimed that played into why I'm so unlucky --- even with that considered, I am so fucking lucky to be alive and without a criminal record.

Not because I ever really had bad intentions or even really hurt anyone, which of course is where my heavy heart came in and gave me a mini-anxiety attack. It's even starting now, I'm trying to calm it down. I feel like when I say "I should have been in jail", people assume bad intentions or malicious behavior. I was really bad with peer pressure. I was even hand-picked in middle school and high school to go to peer leadership programs... I guarantee it was because they could kinda tell I was susceptible to it. And I put my trust in the wrong damn people, who would kinda... pressure me to inch the goalposts of where my boundaries were more and more, you know... so I'd fit in... Trigger warning for drugs, if that's gonna be intense for you feel free to skip this and the next two paragraphs. First with booze, then with cigarettes, then with weed... then with mushrooms, then with "speed" (still don't know what that was, probably Adderall), then with acid, then with ecstasy and molly, then with coke... then with pills... which escalated to me actually trying heroin and not even knowing that was what it was. And I feel so fucking guilty... and stupid... for allowing myself to cede my own boundaries like that. To let people talk me out of my own comfort level, through deception and normalization. I don't like talking about this. I feel very ashamed. I don't even drink or smoke cigarettes, or even smoke weed anymore. I didn't even like being on prescription meds.

Some of the experiences, like weed and mushrooms and acid and ecstasy, were very much my choice and were actually really beneficial in the long run. Cigarettes too, that was my big one and I was totally fine with smoking those, and... in retrospect... they served a very practical purpose for me for over 15 years. The harder shit... I still feel dirty about it. Those days are over 10 years behind me. I just... feel like... okay... here's a story. The last time I was at the building that I live in right now? Before I moved in? I was on my college gap year visiting with friends from high school, they had friends who lived here. And they were in a coke phase. We all were drinking buddies, we all smoked cigarettes, and the charismatic leader decided to normalize coke... and regularly had it on him... and I went along with it. We all did. Call it experimenting, or just being social, whatever, I don't know. Well... I remember sitting in the parking lot at this building... with four of us in the car, with the windows up and fogged... passing a CD around the car and snorting lines off of it. And a fucking cruiser drives by behind us. And... stops. And for some reason... keeps going and leaves the parking lot. It had to be private security, not cops. It had to be. But man, I mean... I wouldn't have gotten slammed with that charge probably, because no possession... but yeah, it really wouldn't look good...

I don't know, maybe that story isn't that bad. It just feels dirty. I feel like coke is like... not something you talk about casually doing... even though everyone I did it with in college really did treat it like that. I don't know. I honestly didn't really enjoy it that much, it was like... way too much caffeine for like 15-30 minutes and then gone. And the worst hangover ever. And the drips were just obnoxious.

What hit me hard with looking back at the past was... the shame. And really just thinking... "I should have been a better person." I just started to type in that part of my brain's voice, and I realized... "should have's" are... depression. And shame. And I'm really just feeding it.

And I guess that's what that line in the song is about. How my suffering... that I'm imposing on myself right here and right now... is not as much because of the events themselves... because with that specific story? It was ultimately just me and my friends partying a bit, and it wasn't anything excessive. But how I react to it? Good lord. I'm emotionally reacting like I willingly gave nuclear codes to a Chinese spy or something.

You can't go back in time. In fact, a lot of theoretical physicists try to argue a theory that the past doesn't even tangibly exist. It's a going theory I heard, that time itself is basically like a series of present events that kinda blink in and out of existence, and the past... though we can presently remember it, no longer exists. It's a nice brain-bender to make the pit of your stomach churn a bit, if you really try to figure it out. (I have no idea how theoretical physicists sleep at night, this shit freaks me out.) Point being... if that theory is true, even if you could go back in time... there's no back in time to go back to. So why live in regret? Why live lamenting "I should have known better, I should have been better." Just... be good Now. Right?

I have a sign that I made, I've talked about it here before... It's got the same organic abstract pattern, but the bubbles are yellow and the membrane is two-tone green. And it has a black outline, it's on cardboard, and it has gold lettering on it saying "BE HERE NOW". It's the title of a Ram Dass book I was given ages ago, in a different life. I never really sat and worked my way through it, as such. I used that book when my brother and I would have jam sessions. I would do "divinatory singing" by picking a random page and sing verses from it, improvising a rhythm and melody, but using the words from the random page as lyrics. That was my primary use for that book. I still have it, it's on my bookshelf. And occasionally, I would just open it and flip to a random page and see what it had to show me.

The reason I chose the title "be here now" to put on the sign I made, is that my therapist was encouraging me to give myself reminders to be in the Now. To be present. Not mourning, lamenting and reliving in the Past. Not anxious, predictive and planning the Future. Just being present, in the Present. And that book title just immediately popped into my head. And I just pieced together exactly what it was saying. I remember being elated because of how genius its simplicity was. It says everything you need to know in as simple a form as possible. In a "who what where when why" kinda way. Who? The reader. Do what? Be. Where? Here. When? Now. Why? Well... XD

But that's the weird thing that I started to notice when I started to be more mindful of like... "when" I was, at different times throughout the day. Now is not just a temporal thing, it's kind of a "where". Like... yes, you're technically always "Now" because you're actively thinking... but like... from a perception of reality sense, when you go into memory, your experience of present reality is definitely altered. At least mine is.

And that was a big thing I experienced today. I disconnected from Now almost entirely. The music functioned as like... a medium for my imagination to just wander into the past. And the repetitive art functioned as basically a trance induction method. And I was like, I was eyes open and drawing, actively listening to the music and seeing a phantom montage of certain life events playing in my mind's eye simultaneously. Vividly. Which you can only really do when you're like... fully in autopilot. It was surreal, I haven't had that happen in a while. So, that was a powerful moment. I used to aspire for moments like that, and this just happened completely unintentionally, after like 40 straight minutes of repetitive drawing.

But yeah, the anxiety from inadvertently accessing shame and trauma was a tough one. And... I have a strong feeling that part of the album had to do with exactly that. It was an insanely powerful album and it ended with a note that... I could see fans of his... and others who don't really understand what they're experiencing... would likely hear and fucking cringe so hard their skin would crawl. But it ended with a quote that visibly brought a big smile to my face, and I'm going back to get the exact quote now.

"Because your greatness lies in the wake of years of telling yourself that you are not good enough. That you are not capable. That you are not worthy of being loved. YOU ARE. You needed to know, so now you know."

:) On an unrelated note, I'm gonna take a pee break real quick.

So yeah, took an unplanned mental vacation down shameful memory lane, got a tremendous amount of work done on an art piece that I have no idea what I'm going to do with... and streamed for 4 hours to pretty much no one. But even with all those things considered, it wasn't a bad day. I got a raid from someone who used to watch my streams occasionally, only 4 people and they didn't stick around long... but it's the thought that counts. They said my work looked like stained glass, it was cool to hear another perspective on it. It was nice to actually talk to someone in chat, rather than just listen to music and draw, which just feels exactly like being offline, only I can't talk to myself. So... it hasn't been a bad day, it just left me wanting and envisioning more.

I keep stalling on setting up social media for my art and stream stuff. I think it's mostly this stupid "branding" bullshit that's throwing me off. Like... profile picture and banner and shit. But today, I did pull up my Insta and... look into somehow putting those posts on Tumblr. But I just... I don't know what I'm doing, and those pictures are on my phone, not on my PC... I just got frustrated and gave up pretty quick. Trying to do that after mindless drawing for 2-3 hours straight is a pretty tall order. The thought is there.

I think I need a day where I don't work on a major art project... and instead I just go around and organize things in my home. Clean a bit. Do dishes, do laundry. Maybe plant the beans. Then try the social media stuff? Which I think would basically just be dumping all the stuff off my phone onto my PC... and then making template posts for each piece which I can go and post in multiple places. Maybe?

I think if I can connect with people who like my art style... and then post there when I go live? It's a better chance of attracting people to chill in my streams. The whole point of it is basically... to have an open-studio. To show the behind-the-scenes on how the artist makes his work, getting to hang out in the studio with them. With concept and process-based art, that can be a game-changer. That's the entire goal, and then they can buy the final piece when I'm done too. Or even order commissions if I do that. Or get lessons. I love the concept of it. And, more than anything, I just fucking miss art studio hangouts. Creative time.

Good fucking lord, after my breakup... when I finally grew the balls... (after like 4-6 months of grieving that and several other losses...) I went into the spare room that, to me, was haunted as shit. Haunted with the memories of countless stupid pointless fights, and all the dark secrets she kept behind closed doors. Fights where she would just take something super personally, refuse to work through her feelings, hold me accountable for her feelings as though I committed a crime or something, and then fight until we both got exhausted, and usually she would retreat into the spare room and sleep there. The spare room was always intended to be a studio/study. A creative space and a work space. A place of creation, not destruction. And I "selflessly" gave that space - in the house that my parents were helping me rent, that she never paid a cent for - to her. And after 4-6 months, I reclaimed that space. And I made it into something close to the creative space I always wanted it to be. And I could not, for the fucking life of me, get anyone else to come and be creative in that space with me. My brother visited twice. I convinced an old "friend" to do art nights, he was an aspiring tattoo artist, and he committed to doing art nights weekly. He did 2 and ghosted. That space ended up being just my personal creative space... and my dog's bedroom. So... it worked out in the end, but... I've just had this gigantic empty hole in my soul where communal art creation needed to be. And streaming felt like a fucking godsend for that. Anyone, anywhere on the earth, can hang out with me in my studio and chat and share ideas and even work along with me, even from their fucking phone. So... it's hard - really hard - to be doing that... and have the door wide open, and have no one show up.

But, I can't expect people to just show up. That's super rare. So... I'm really hoping if people see my art on Tumblr and follow me... they'll see my posts about going live and maybe hop on by to get to know the artist and see how these pieces are made. And hey, maybe they'd even be interested in getting a piece for their home. Who knows.

Alright, not gonna give my depression wiggle room to like... convince me no one wants my shit. Gonna move on before he gets the chance to sink his claws into that one... I'm gonna move on to tarot and close out the night.

Past - Three of Wands, inverted (Implementation of a plan, launching of a new idea.) Present - Three of Cups, inverted (Celebration, calling in good fortune, joy.  Social gathering, a heartfelt belonging in a community.) Future - Ace of Swords, inverted (Intellect, apply logic and reason, Clarity and focus of mind.)

Three inverted cards. Fun fun. I've seen all of these before, some more recently than others. I quickly copy-pasted the meanings that I wrote but didn't really read them, I'm gonna try to just piece this together to see how well I do from memory.

This starts with Three of Wands, inverted. This is the start of a new idea... meaning... the implementation of that idea. Like... the Ace is the spark, the Two is surveying and planning, Three is putting the plan into action. It's "setting sail". But this is inverted. Either... struggling to put an idea into practice? Or delaying, or not engaging with a creative idea, not putting it into motion.

This is connected to inverted Three of Cups. Three of Cups is the party card. It's people gathering and celebrating together. The image is a toast, with good friends. And this... is inverted as well. Blocked or refused, not functional.

This connects to inverted Ace of Swords. Ace of Swords is... okay, I don't remember it super vividly. I want to say it's like... the access of memories and experience to create a clear present moment. I'm trying to piece it together from memory by looking at the image. The woman has a tree growing out of her hair, and the branches form a house and a couple and a woman reaching for a bird... and I feel like those represented past memories, experience. And she is bowing, wielding the Sword of Truth, that has an open eye engraved into it. I feel like that's present awareness and sharp focus. I'm going to check my reference. Yeah, it's kinda the same shit - using reason and logic. That, again, being inverted... so... blocked, or being presented and I'm not engaging with it, or causing disarray somehow.

So... connecting all the dots... I'm just gonna be transparent here. I've been back and forth about the digital piece I started working on. It's huge. And I'm really plugging away at it. I'm making a lot of progress. But it was supposed to be a prototype. I think it's going to take me weeks, if not months... even if I work on it several hours every day. I don't want to axe the project... but every time I talk about it on stream? I feel like I'm talking about a project that will never be finished. And... I'm afraid that I'm going to stubbornly go "NO, I'm going to finish it..." And get locked in to it. So... two other projects have been orbiting around this concept. 1). An ink piece on either a big piece of paper or cloth that is this same organic fractal design that I'm prototyping... but a physical version. 2). The micro Zen Garden idea that I've been gushing about the past few days, that I nerded out on again for like 10 minutes straight during my stream tonight.

Why the fuck am I talking about this? Well... Three of Wands is about putting a new creative venture into practice. Starting a new project. And... those are the two that are primed and ready, but waiting for this titanic digital piece to hop on the bench. So... when I saw inverted Three of Wands, I immediately thought of the micro Zen Gardens. Immediately. So... I think that's it. The project that I've been delaying and stalling and half-starting for almost 6 fucking months. This connects to... something blocking social connection. Social communion. I really do think the Zen Garden thing is much more universally appealing, something almost anyone can engage with. And something anyone could really want for themselves, as décor in their home. So... not engaging with and prototyping that idea... could be stalling or interfering with that Three of Cups moment. And that leads to inverted Ace of Swords... a lack of reason, a lack of clarity. Memory and experience in disarray. Ehhh.... but again, I don't like to read inverted cards as... "opposites" or "voids" or "not's"... so... let's phrase that differently. My delay of working on this micro Zen Garden idea could be interfering with opportunities for social connections, and the result of that is a difficulty engaging in logical focus. My focus is muddy, my vision obscured. See? It can be hard to read inversions. :(

Welp, regardless of what the cards are saying... I am pretty clearly saying that I really want to engage with this Zen Garden project. I should at very least just tack on a bag of sand from Lowe's to the next grocery order I make. Then I have it. I like the idea of doing a very minimal sand Zen Garden with some of the stones that I saved to be polished, but will likely never get around to polishing, and then raking designs into the sand using the stones as contours. That could be cool. All I need for that is a box of some kind that looks decent that can hold sand without leaking. That's it. The shallower the better, then I can conserve sand and do a bunch of them.

Cool. Well... so... what I've gotten out of this is... 1). I need a day to just organize my house and clean, do laundry, chill out, maybe order a pizza or something. 2). I need to figure out social media and develop a bit of a habit similar to this, but a fraction of the time and effort investment. 3). I need to go ahead with the Zen Garden idea and back off the big fractal digital piece as being my "primary" piece.

That's a lot. So... maybe I'll just start with number 1 tomorrow. :)

[crisis-on-infinite-batblogs]

"I want him to know it was me."

I've got feelings about Jason and Bruce's relationship, so let's talk about it. As always, I'm mixing up my own continuity cocktail of pre-crisis and post-crisis and adding just a little splash of headcanon for color.

The year is 1984. The comic is Batman #368

We all know this issue as the debut of Jason Todd as Robin. More accurately, it's his first appearance as an official Batman-sanctioned Robin. (See #366 when Jason steals Dick's uniform and flies to Guatemala).

Anyway, this issue starts with the first and (to my knowledge) the last voluntary and consensual passing of the Robin mantle. Isn't that fun?

Jason is ecstatic and goes to change into his newly bequeathed colors while Bruce and Dick exchange misty-eyed nods. There's fatherly hands on shoulders and lumps in their throats and it's all very sweet.

Dick shares with Bruce a hearty handshake before leaving the cave. Over his shoulder he calls out one final farewell: "So long, Robin. Be great." And when Dick's footsteps finally fade into the shadows:

Jason shares his worries about not receiving any credit for his acts. He knows that this is selfish, and he admits to being ashamed that he even said it. He's being incredibly honest and vulnerable with Bruce, which is something I feel we don't get to see often enough.

Bruce gives an obligatory speech about how Jason will be serving justice and saving lives. He says that with this job, there is no room for a big ego. But he also says "No need to be so hard on yourself, Jay."

And in a shocking twist, Good Parent Bruce Wayne is equally honest and vulnerable and shares this little anecdote with his son:

Bruce lays a gloved hand on the new Robin's narrow shoulders, and tells him in earnest that it gets easier. He says that with every innocent life saved, that need for recognition feels less urgent. With every look of relief and gratitude on the faces of would-be victims, the glory seems less important.

(and stepping into headcanon land:)

Jason takes a deep breath, and puts on a smile. "I know you're probably right, Batman... about it getting easier?"

His smile sinks into something closer to a grimace. "And I want to believe all that stuff you said about seeing the gratitude on people's faces, and--"

Jason's bitter laugh comes out as a huff. He looks down at his hands which fidget nervously in their brand new green gloves. When he continues, his voice is little more than a whisper.

"I want to help people... I-I want to be great, just like Dick said." Trying and failing to meet Bruce's gaze, Jason throws his eyes up to search the vaulted shadows of the cave. "It just sucks that no one will know it's really me."

Bruce is reminded, not the last time, that Jason is not Dick. The same lectures he gave the first Robin won't work half so well this time around. Jason's situation is fundamentally different. The kid is stepping into a pair of well worn shoes that won't be easy to fill. Bruce sighs, and pulls his son into a hug.

"You're beginning with a rich legacy behind you, Jason, and no one can ever know who's behind that mask." He rests his chin on top of the lad's head, and squeezes as if he could draw out every last bit of self-doubt. "... but I'll always know it's really you... and I will be so proud."

(and stepping back into canon:)

Seven-odd years have passed, and a countless number of odd things have happened. Jason was gone. He was dead... but then he comes back.

He comes back to loneliness, and hunger, and so much pain. He comes back to a world that he does not recognize, and he comes back to a Batman who is so different from the one he left behind.

Talia has been warned of the so-called "Pit Madness". Her father has told her of the rage and darkness that now live in young Jason's heart. He has told her that she's unleashed a pestilence upon the earth.

But her father is wrong. It is not rage that burns in Jason's heart, but a cold and calculated revenge.

One week later, and all the pieces are in place: Batman is six blocks away, staking out a bunch of Penguin's men, waiting on a weapons seller who will never show. This gives Jason just enough time to plant the bomb on the Batmobile. A combination of Lead Azide and RDX placed six inches behind the back left tire. As close as he can get to the fuel line. And then, all there is to do is wait until the bastard arrives.

Jason watches as the Bat makes his approach. He glares through the slatted window with his thumb hovering just above the button. He waits for his moment.

Batman walks wearily toward the car. Towards safety. Towards home. He doesn't yet sense any danger. He doesn't yet see Death lurking before him. He opens the door.

You made this happen. Jason thinks, his thumb pressing every so sightly upon the trigger.

You.

And then it happens. Batman enters the vehicle and the time has come.... but Jason can't do.

He did everything right. He planned it all with expert precision. He crossed every 't', and meticulously dotted each and every 'i', but when the moment of his glory is upon him, Jason realizes that it isn't what he wants.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It's not what you think," he says to Talia.

"I'm gonna kill him," Jason says, "but he's gonna look me in the eye when he goes."

A cold wind screams across his face, brushing his dark hair into even darker eyes.

"When I take him from this world, I want him to know it was me."

[olderthannetfic]

i've made alternate accounts and never, ever tell anyone about the kinky smutty fanfiction I write, but I can't shake off feeling ashamed. i feel so ashamed after im done writing smut and post it and the comments come in. i feel so ashamed i enjoy taboo things. i feel so ashamed and i hate it so much.

no one knows what i do, yet i still feel icky and gross on the inside even though i know im not doing anything wrong. it's so frustrating because i want to write in peace, but even my own mind is stopping me. does this feeling ever go away? can i like incest and rape fics and writing them without feeling this deep, internal fear that someone will look at me and know what i write? im so tired of feeling scared.

recently a friend of mind berated me for retweeting a tweet by someone who likes my hero academia nsfw art on twitter. and it was so scary. because this person was someone i thought i could trust but they turned so quickly. i even had a stress dream about it last night where i sent something nsfw to a group chat on accident and everyone turned on me.

im currently taking a hiatus from all my fan accounts abruptly and no one knows why, but it's because im so scared of being harassed. idk what im going to do.

i wish we lived in a world where i didnt have to live with this fear.

--

I was never particularly ashamed, even as a young person, so IDK if I can give super specific advice that will actually work.

The potential danger from your unreliable friend is a separate issue. You may need to find different friends or to talk to these ones about how you felt unsafe. It's hard to gauge without knowing them, how long you've been friends, etc.

The feelings themselves though... Think of those more as a therapy thing. If you don't have access to a good therapist, you can still address them as this type of problem: work on stopping spiraling thoughts, talk yourself up rather than down, work on self confidence.

Maybe watching/reading interviews with creators of contentious art would help. Seeing them talk about how sex/dark stuff/etc. are vital to art could make that seem more legitimate to you.

But overall, I think a lot of this is a self confidence and self worth thing. The more you feel like you have a right to an opinion and to take up space, the less you'll anxiously obsess over whether thing X you like or do is bad.

[hoodieofholland]

Prove you something // Mob!Tom Smut

Summary: you get jealous over a meeting Tom have with another woman without your knowledge, and he has to prove you something.

Pairing: mob!tom x reader

Word count: ~4.5K

Warnings: smut (18+), fingering (f.), oral (f.), language.

A/n: I’m a sucker for mob!Tom, judge me, but these last contents we’ve been receiving for the past month are the blame. here we go again, enjoy.

Masterlist

****************************************************

As a mob, Tom had to deal with a lot of different people throughout his busy day. You were used to the meetings all the time, even when it was past afternoon, hiting the midnight. Patiently, you'd wait your turn to share some good time with your boyfriend, unless he wanted you to stay for the day, besides him, in the conference room.

Today was slightly different. Tom was held for hours in the conference room, talking business, while you distracted yourself with some other work. But by the time it was around 7p.m., you were bored enough to walk up the place, wanting to know when he'd be over.

Wearing your favorite pyjamas, you walked through the silent house, and just as approaching the conference room, you heard an unusual type of voice.

"Listen, Tom, I'm not here to discuss the shitty situation..."

It got your attention, made you stop in your tracks to hear better, all because it was a female voice. Normally, Tom would always meet with men, them being the mob leaders around London. Not a woman.

You tried to sneak around and see if there were another voice in the room, but as soon as you put your ear to the door's thick wood, Harrison came up behind your figure, making you jump.

"Holy shit!" You screamed in whispers. "Jesus, Harrison, you scared the hell out of me!"

Harrison didn't make any effort to cover his laughter, making you shush him.

"Sneaking around, uh?" He teased through laughters. "You know what Tom says about listening behind closed doors. Someday it might come back to you".

Trying to contain your madness, you cross your arms around your chest and snort. "It's meant for you guys, you idiot. He's not talking about his girlfriend".

"Are you really sure?", still holding his teasing smile, he tilts his head a little. Eyeing the door again, he pouted. "Why didn't he invite you tonight, then?"

"Said it was some small business and wouldn't take that long". You shrugged, though you knew it was bullshit. Tom had already been inside that fucking room for what seemed forever. It wasn't any small business talk, for what it matters.

"I can tell you that there's not small talking inside there" he pointed his chin in the room's direction. "Melissa is right there".

A little confused, but still not wanting to give your feelings away, you stay cool with your voice. "Who is Melissa?"

Harrison’s eyes narrowed and you can tell he had no idea you didn’t know about a single thing that was going on inside there.

“Melissa. The majoriest woman in this whole fucking city. She’s, like, the only female mobster leader in England”. The emphasis in his voice made you feel the message he wanted to deliver. You felt even somewhat a little weak, as if the weight of the presence of that woman could be sensed in your lungs.

Harrison quirked a brow, waiting for your answer, but you didn’t say nothing. Why was Tom lying to you? Why he didn’t want you to know that this woman was right inside the room with him?

“Is he alone there?” You questioned Haz, who shakes his head negatively.

“No, I was there a couple of minutes ago. Just grabbing a cup of tea”. He lifted the mug on his hand. “There’s also her guard or something. The chick is a bit... ugh”

You felt the weight again. “What the fuck does ugh means?!”

Harrison was about to explain, but seeing your exasperated reaction, he just smiled teasingly again. “I think someone is jealous”.

You puffed your cheeks out in frustration, wanting to tug on your hair, or maybe on Harrison’s.

“You’re being ridiculous” you tried your best to sound neutral about the fact that your boyfriend was inside a not very large room with a woman you didn’t know nothing about, but it was getting harder as Harrison seemed like having some fun torturing you.

“Don’t worry, y/n, that’s not what I meant” he chuckled softly and gave you a apologetic smile. “It’s just business, that’s all. You know Tom is far from being suspicious”.

You knew that very well, and if you were being honest, that was not your concern. That didn’t make you less jealous, though. Tom was the most faithful man you knew, not only with you, but with his mates. He could do anything for you and he surely had already proved that you’re the only woman in his life.

Anyways, the thought of that powerful woman inside the fucking room was driving you mad.

“I wanna go inside”, you stated, already turning on your heels. Harrison was quick to grab your wrist, trying to stop you from entering the room.

“Y/n, what the fuck, he doesn’t want to-“

But you were too fast. Yanking the door open, you hear a slight gasp coming from Harrison and the entire room goes silent.

The first thing you notice is Tom, who were crudely interrupted by you. He looked tense with the conversation, eyes heavy, shoulders rigid. His elbow was supported by the large desk in front of his chair, while he seemed to gesticulate with his hand whilst talking to the woman, Melissa. His gaze was directed on you, a questioning look on his features, which didn’t softened like it always did when he talked to you.

“Sorry, I told her-“ Harrison was quick to say, but Tom interrupted him.

“What took you so long?” Ignoring your presence, without changing a single word with you, Tom averted his eyes to Harrison, who came out behind you and sat back at his chair.

“She wanted to come” he answered quietly, unsure of what to say.

Tom looked at you once more, face serious, as he seemed to calculate what say next.

“Why don’t you go wait in the living room, y/n?”

You open your mouth, just to close it again immediately. You didn’t recognize the way Tom was talking to you, almost harshly.

"What, Thomas? You don't enjoy a good woman's company? C'mon, let the girl sit with us" Melissa, who you just had the worry to look at said, putting her long polished nails over her chin. She eyed you up and down before speaking again. "What a beautiful girl you have, by the way. You didn't tell me she was all of that".

Tom closed his eyes briefly, jaw clenching, as he sighed heavily in frustration. You knew he was getting mad, and though you still didn't know why, you made up your mind.

"I'm fine, gonna wait in the room. Sorry for-"

"It's alright", he shook his head and looked back to Melissa. "It was good talking to you, but I need time to figure it out before we decide anything", Tom stood up from his chair and waited until the woman did the same. "I'm going to have a talk with my men and then I call you back".

Melissa smiled, but you could see very clearly that it was nothing but a false smile. "I'll keep in touch".

Tom just nodded once and waited for Melissa to walk out of the room, guided by Harrison, who was equally tense as he made his way to the door. Before she exited the room, Melissa had an eye on you again, a tiny smile making its presence on her face.

You shivered, too aware of the dangerous and power Harrison told you she held, clear in the way she wasn't afraid to show she was staring at you.

When the doors were closed, you couldn't lift your gaze from the floor. However, it was possible to see Tom by the corner of your eyes and the way he was supporting both of his hands on the desk, staring so intently at you that you bet he could see your goosebumps.

"Now that you have my attention", he started, voice deep. "Won't you say what was so important that you couldn't wait 'til I was over?"

You didn't say anything, neither looked at him, frozen on your spot.

"I'm talking to you".

His stern act had you conflicted. He would always use it in bed with you, but never got so mad at something that you did. Something that you didn't even know what was all about.

"You were taking too long, so I wanted to see if everything was alright", you answered, keeping your voice loud and clear enough, not wanting to give him the impression that you were intimidated by his words.

Tom snorted. "That's bullshit. I've already been out until later than this and you stayed in our room".

You roll your eyes, voice cheating you as the irritation consumes your thoughts. "Well, in these nights you weren't with a girl inside here".

Tom's face changed and a brow arched as a trace of a smirk made its way to his face. You had lost your though posture and you knew it.

"Are you jealous?" He chuckles, incredulous, "Really?"

You snort, unfolding your arms. Looking relaxed is the last thing you seem to be able to do right now, but also you didn't want to sound so immature being jealous over nothing.

"No, I am not. I'm just mad that... that you didn't tell me who you were meeting with." You corrected him, though you were too aware it was pretty much a lie. With an unwanted whine, you continue "And why you didn't let me in this time? You see, you just left a whole amount of suspicious things to my imagination."

Tom narrows his eyes, a mix of curiosity and confusion evident on his face.

"You don't actually believe it yourself, do you?" He questioned, a suspicious tone in his voice. A bit ashamed, you glanced down and nodded two times.

"I mean, Harrison just told me she's the biggest woman in London, or some shit like that" you shrugged involuntarily and felt tired, as you started to realise how silly you must be sounding.

It was pretty obvious to you that none of that should matter. Actually, it never did. Tom never turned his head to another woman but you, since you met. He never talked about any other girl than you, and you could tell he bragged about how much of a "lucky motherfucker" he was, as Harrison started complaining about Tom's random rambling just the other day.

Tom had done nothing but adored you since the first time he called you darling. And now you were overreacting because of a common meeting of his.

Tom sighed heavily and offered you his hand. Looking at it for one second, you reach for him, and he brings you closer. "That's probably my fault".

You tilt your head, not understanding his point. Tom sits down back on his chair e mention for you to take a seat on his thigh.

"Don't get me wrong, darling. I let you come to meetings only if I'm one hundred percent sure there's no harm on that. When I'm with friends, not my enemies" he caress two slender fingers through your cheek and you almost close your eyes in please, if it wasn't for his deep stare, full of concern and comprehension. "That woman is nothing but trouble for me and my men. She doesn't like us, I don't like her, but, apparently, one of my man messed up with one of her best one, so I was trying to settle everything down before one of us start a fucking fight about it. Obviously, she hates me and every single one of my mates, and that's why I didn't want you here today. My most important job is to keep you safe, y/n. I've already dragged you too far into this mess, I can't expose you even more."

By the look in his eyes, anyone could tell how Tom meant it. He worried about you and your protection had become a topic of discussions too much for your liking.

He shifts his position, making it more comfortable for you, hand resting in your cheek. His expression earned an even more stern look, almost in pain as he looked deeper in your eyes.

"Do you really think that you should worry about Melissa?" He asks, voice low and soft.

You didn't answer right away. Instead, you tugged at his white plain shirt's collar, breathing slowly as you tried to manifest more of your composure than before.

"A little" you confess, shrugging slightly as if it wasn't that big of a deal. But for Tom, it surely was.

"Darling... why would you be jealous over that woman?" The pad of his index finger touched in the slightest move your bottom lip, tracing delicate paths over it. "Why would you ever be jealous over any woman? You know I love you". He looked up once again, a brow arching as he seemed to doubt his own conviction. "Don't you know?"

You shake your head yes and bite your lip. "Of course I do".

"Then why did you have something in your imagination?"

You sigh quietly. "Yeah, it was silly", taking his free hand and in yours, you play with his fingers, trying to hide your embarrassment. "I'm sorry-"

"It's alright, love", he gives you a small yet sweet smile. "You see, I get jealous all the time. Much more than you do. Think it's fair enough".

You giggle. "Yes, you do. I hate that and did the same. Sorry".

Tom shakes his head and brings his face closer to yours, planting a soft kiss in the corner of your mouth. "What a silly little girl you are. How would you ever think I'd ever have eyes for another girl, when I've got the prettiest with me?"

You release a breathe, your grip at Tom's shirt stronger, pulling him closer. "You'd be really dumb if you did, yeah."

Tom smiles in your mouth and you do as well. "Guess I haven't been showing my girl how much I appreciate her properly lately" he whispers, heading his lips along your jaw, to chase a soft spot on your neck. "Tell me, love, would you like to feel it?" His low and seductive words sent a shiver right through your spine, making you release a quiet moan in anticipation.

"Do you want to feel how much I adore you?" He breaths in your neck, smelling your sweet scent, as carefully grabs your thighs to get you to straddle his lap. "How much I adore your pretty little moans and whines? Those wonderful sounds you make just for me?"

You nod yes, adjusting your position on Tom's lap, rubbing against his crotch on accident and feeling he grunt with the contact.

"Use your words, my love. Need to hear you". He insists, running both his hands to your ass, grabbing each cheek firmly. When you whine a timid 'yes', he smirks against your smooth skin. "Always so eager for me", with precise movements, he guides your hips to meet his, creating a perfect friction between both of you. You could feel his hard against your pulsing center, claiming for more.

Tom lets out a struggled sigh, as if he was holding himself back when feeling your center pressing against him. "See? Only you can make me this hard".

You gulp, trying to catch your breath as your hands make its way to his trousers, but Tom is quick to deny it and stop you. "No, pretty girl. As much as I'm aching to feel you right now, I need to prove you something" he smirks playfully. His right hand releases your bum and goes to your front, making a smooth path in his way to your breast. He put your hard nipples between two fingers, pulling it softly. You moan and move your hips over his lap. Tom's jaw tenses up. "Fuck, darling". He presses his hand firmly on your hip to settle you down, as you smile apologetic.

"Need you, Tom". You whine, arching your back so you were even closer to him.

"Yeah?" He smirks, hand going back to work, sliding inside your pyjamas' short. Tom's brows arch in surprise. "No panties?"

You bite your lip. "When I came down here, I was thinking that maybe we could do something. After you were done".

He chuckled a bit, his cocky smile showing off. "So you were planning on getting fucked in my office?" You only nod once, feeling your center pulse and your cheek heat up. "You dirty, dirty girl".

Tom reaches your pulsing core, a single digit sliding through your wet folds. "God, baby, you're so wet". You moan, letting your weight loose on top of Tom, whose strong arms could handle it. "I barely touched you".

"Stop teasing me, Tom" you claim, eyes closed, as you feel he was threatening to enter two fingers inside you, but collecting them all together again.

"Darling, I think you shouldn't have a word about anything today" he says calmly. "After all, you interrupted my meeting, messed my work up. All because you couldn't wait to get fucked. Do you think you were good, y/n?"

You swallow hard, voice trembling. "N-no".

Tom smiles satisfied. "Yes. Now, though you don't deserve any of that, I'm a man of my word, and I said I was going to show you what my girl is worth of". He gesticulates briefly and you have to take a few seconds to understand he wants you to get up.

You do so, waiting until he gets up too. Confused, you stare at him, who cups your face, kissing the tip of your nose.

"I want you to sit in my chair". He murmurs and you can't help the surprise in your face.

"Why's that?" You frown and he only gestures his head to the chair again. With no other choice, you find yourself doing as you were told.

It was a strange feeling, the soft material of his chair against the bare skin of your exposed leg, where your thin shorts couldn't reach. Strange, because nobody would ever sit on Tom's chair. It wasn't exactly a rule, but everyone did better than risking taking what was his, and that being the biggest and most imposing chair in the conference room, only he could sit there. And maybe that's what entertained him that moment, the sight of you in a place that held so much power as that chair.

It took a good few seconds for you to relax there, and Tom didn't take his eyes from you the whole time. Staring, he would lick his lips, arms crossed over his chest, making his muscular arms very visible for you.

"You know, you could do this. I can picture you sitting here, making demands", he says, as if he was deep in thoughts moments ago, approaching you with hungry eyes. He puts his hands over the chairs' arm rest and lean in you, smiling.

You feel your heart race and try to correct your breathing. "Really?" You arch a brow incredulously. "Don't think I could be so tough".

"You learn this with time, darling", he reassures you, "But I think we'd have to manage who'd be in charge from time to time. I can share it with you, but not give it all. Would you like that?" You knew that by this time he wasn't talking about the mob.

With a charming smile, Tom gets down on both knees and puts his hands in yours. "Yeah, I think", you say in a whisper, too concentrated in his actions to say otherwise or anything else.

"Mmm. You're such a delicate angel", he opens your legs slowly, grabbing the back of your knee to pull you in to him. You gasp in surprise, holding the arm rest to keep yourself steady. "I imagine how you'd look like taking control. Perfect, I know".

It was a sight to see, a powerful man like Tom on his knees, a position you never thought you'd see him at. He looked like he was at your mercy, under your control, just as if he was there to please you, though he still did take the command.

"Tom, please", you whine, not giving a care about sounding desperate anymore.

"Patient, my love. Wanna take my sweet time with you", he pats your leg so you can lift your hips to help him take off your shorts. "Cause that's what I appreciate doing with you. Take every single part of you, make you mine. Slowly". He brings you closer and you pant when he kisses the inner of your thigh, eyes never leaving yours. "Take care of my girl, as she deserves".

You feel yourself growing anxious as you tried to stay still when he brought his lips up to your core. "You smell so good, love. Can't wait to taste it". His lips make no hurry to reach your folds, hot breath hitting your aching center. He looks up at you, wicked smile, as his mouth hover you, teasing.

By this time, you’re already dripping, walls clenching around nothing for the expectation. Finally, you felt Tom's lips connecting with your pussy lips, skillful tongue smoothly licking your arousal, spreading it all over your core.

He put his tongue inside of you, tasting it, adoring the way you'd roll your eyes back with pleasure. "Sweet as fucking candy". He murmurs with his mouth against you, causing vibrations all over your cunt.

You moan when he flicks his tongue over your bud, and tug at his hair. The reaction comes right away and Tom moans against you, putting one of his fingers inside you, but not deep enough, waiting for you to adjust as your walls stretched deliciously. "Can feel you swallowing my finger, baby. You want me?”

"Tom", you whine, arching your back as Tom pushes his fingers deeper inside you. "Please. Gimme more".

"You want more, sweet girl?" Tom smirks, entering you as much as he could, adding a second finger to your pulsing core. You felt the cold of his silver ring against your hot skin, causing you to have goosebumps. Feeling you clench around him, Tom started fingering you, hands precisely moving to stuff you in the most raving way. He took his pace, fast enough to the sound of your wetness fill up the room.

He laps your bud once again, repeatedly, catching it between his lips once in a while and sucking, making you release a loud moan.

You tugged harder in his curls and that's when he realized you were close. "My beautiful girl is close? Can feel you clenching, baby."

You nod once, trying to catch your breath as your hips rock against his fingers. Tom took them out and you almost pulled his hair for that, but he soon replaced it with his firm tongue. "C'mon, darling, fuck yourself on my tongue".

You did so, not caring about your messed movements or your loud noises. Tom was right there, holding you hip down with one hand to keep you steady and stimulating your clit with his thumb with another. It was the most beautiful sight you could have and you were on the verge of your edge.

"You're- fuck, so fucking hot, Tom" you cry out, head falling back. "Shit! 'M close"

Tom started to fuck his tongue inside you again. Your toes curl, your belly burns and your heart couldn't beat faster. Tom grabbed the back of your legs and abruptly brought you closer to his face, keeping his tongue firm and thumb working on your bud. He replaced it with his two wet fingers for a moment, just to speak to you and coax your orgasm. “Look at you, baby, so, so beautiful when you’re coming. Fuck, wish they all could see what a pretty and dirty girl I’ve got right here, angel”.

You moan and Tom can tell you’re about to lose it, putting his tongue back to work. "That's it, love, cum on my tongue, make a sweet mess on my face".

You couldn't hold back anymore. Your whole body felt like sparkles, as you tightened your grip on Tom's hair, chest panting, muscles rigid, voice coming out as the loudest moan of your night. It’s all about you now, what you feel. Tom is right there, holding you, controlling your body squirming with his strong hands.

Tom helps you ride out your orgasm, tongue and fingers never leaving you. His noise bumped into your clit as he seemed to enjoy licking your juices, face still lost between your legs. But when you finally saw him again, you thought you could have another orgasm just from the look on his face.

"Fuck", you pant, still trying to catch your breath. "You're- you're all covered-"

Before you could even finish, Tom got up from his knees and took your face in between his hands, capturing your lips on his. The kiss was messy, clashing tongues and teeth, but it was all pleasure. You could taste yourself, take what Tom had left on his lips. It was sweet - a mix of both of you.

"You're a fucking mess right now" you tell him, a slight giggle coming out of your dry throat, wiping some of the wetness from his chin.

"I know", he smiles back at you, pecking your lips once more. He catches the fingers you used to clean his face and leads it to him mouth, sucking on them gently. "Proudly. Who else in this fucking world can have the pleasure of being a mess with your cum, eh?"

You shove his shoulders playfully and spin the chair. "Well, I think I could truly run things here. Feel very powerful now".

Tom puts his hand on the back of the chair to stop it from moving. "That's because you had me between your legs just a few seconds ago, love", he smirks "But I think we can manage that".

You get up from the chair and put your hands on the collar of his shirt, gripping it between your fingers. "Good", you look up at him, smiling devilishly. "First thing, though, I remember you were here to prove me something".

"Oh, darling" he chuckled darkly. "We surely are not finished yet".

[jerrylevitch]

Hi there, I'm just discovering M&L and it's amazing. I love your blog so much. I saw a post a while ago saying that Jerry might have been biromantic, and for me as an asexual and biromantic person, this is very exciting and fascinating. Obviously I know some reasons we may think that, but I wonder if you could make a list of why Jerry might be biromantic? Like an evidence post. :) Any chance Dean may have been biromantic? I'm less sure about him, but he seemed to love Jerry just as much. Thanks!

I will say that the examples of Jerry being bi-romantic are solely based on his feelings for Dean. I mean he did mention men being good looking or kissed other men publicly, but part of that he put in a joking manner, or in the realm of his wild behavior, or just because he loved his male friends. He kissed his sons, and whatever people he loved or liked. He was just a very affectionate type of guy. However his feelings for Dean both physically and verbally in that he was always letting people know that he was in love with Dean, and mentioning the terms "love affair" and "marriage" made people privately and publicly (scandal magazines) question if their relationship wasn't "latent homosexuality" or "offbeat" (both of those being direct terms used in the articles, the latter being obviously code for gay). Jerry wasn't afraid to let people know how he felt, but of course he never labeled himself as bi-romantic. Did he have sexual feelings for Dean and other men? We will never know. Some people seem to forget that people can be attracted to people and be in love with them, but sex never enters their mind. I've personally experienced this. I've been accused by a certain fan on tumblr, for saying that Jerry likely never acted on his feelings for Dean if there were any sexual feelings. I just see Dean as probably not open to sexual experiences with men, because of his upbringing. The evidence just isn't there, besides speculation and those shower photos which we don't know why those pictures were taken for a magazine publication. Speculate is all we can do. He admitted that he loved Jerry, and his relationship with Mack Gray does seem intimate. Dean was really affected by his loss when he died, and Mack went everywhere with Dean. He even chose his songs. Mack Gray is just a mysterious figure, and perhaps it was just a friendship, or perhaps it was romantic/sexual. We just don't know. But here is all the evidence of bi-romantic feelings at the very least.

Examples of Jerry loving Dean:

"What we had was two people that were in love with what we did for one another on the stage. The fact that I loved him that much off the stage, and as he did with me, was the foundation of everything we did."

“I miss Dean. I fell in love with him the day we met. I wish he were here. He was a miracle that God put in my life, and working with him was a feeling I’ll never ever forget.” - Jerry Lewis

"But I care for him. I loved him then, I love him now. He loved me then, I think he loves me now. And there’s nothing to be ashamed of. God didn’t say that love must be projected here. Just at my child? No, I love my wife. I love my friends. And I love my partner."

"We’re so close that our minds think like one mind. It’s like telepathy. There’s a very deep and profound love between Dean and me and our act is only good because of this feeling of closeness.”

“The truth is simply we loved one another. If Dean feels this day as I feel about him then we still love one another. We just didn’t like working together anymore. I don’t think that that changes—I don’t think that love is on a dial or a panel that you can turn on or off. I think when you love, you love forever…"

“It was a wonderful period for us … and we were at the height of young abandonment. To watch these two guys who were so crazy in love with one another, and in love with one another’s ability–it’s magic, it’s absolute magic.”

“Call it Romeo and Juliet if you want, I don’t give a shit”

“You see, the one thing that Winchell told me that night-he saw us at the Havana Madrid-and I was sitting having a drink with him after the show and he said,

“You know what’s wonderful about what you two guys are doing?” And he’s talking like we’re an act. We’re not an act. He said, “I love the way you look at him.” I said, “I didn’t know it was that evident.” “You know, that’s part of the magic-and the way he looks at you." " Yeah. Oh, God, yeah, it was difficult not to show that. I was so enamored by him and so thrilled…." -JL, Who the Hell's In It?

"It was the same chemistry, and this may sound weird- well, I don’t know how it’s going to sound-that happens when the sperm and egg make contact and can reproduce a magnificent miracle. That’s what we had. I don’t know of any other chemistry that’s as godlike.”

"But from that first moment, to the end of it all, I never loved anything in my life like I loved my partner" - Jerry Lewis, promoting Dean and me on Regis 2005

I wrote him a love letter and a thank you, and there was no response. And I wasn’t hurt by that, because I know him. He’s a very private man, and he knows, just as I knew that he understood me, he knows that I understand him. I think he knows in his heart, that I understand, that he’s not one to sit down and write a letter. That’s not his style. He’s now one to acknowledge a letter, that’s not his style. And that’s part of his charm. He just doesn’t give a damn about a lot of things that a lot of us are prisoners to.

Jerry Lewis on Dean Martin after their 1976 MDA telethon reunion.

“I think people were frightened of a homosexual probability. They didn’t want to recognize it. This is two people that love one another like a man and woman, a wife and a daughter, a son or a husband.”

~ Jerry Lewis, Method to the Madness of Jerry Lewis (2011)

“I catch Dean worrying about things occasionally- things I have always worried about, to which previously he wouldn’t have given a thought. How do I know? I always know what’s going on in his head, even if his head is fifty miles away as I’ve said-and do you know why? I love him. He’s a big jerk sometimes but in the clinches there are few people in the world who could touch him.”

“‘The way Jerry is, everybody who works for him are puppets, see, he pulls the strings’, says Irving Kaye 'Nobody can tell him nothin’. It’s entirely a one man operation altogether. Mr. Martin was the only one. He was the only one Jerry ever listened to about anything. If Jerry got outta line, Dean would say 'Relax, kid–relax.’ And he’d relax and be alright. Today he’s like a dame carrying a torch, now that they’re not together anymore.”

- Richard Gehman, That Kid, 1963.

Jerry said this in 1976:

Plus all the times Patti told Jerry to go to his other wife, or referred to Dean and Jerry's other wife.

Examples of Dean loving Jerry:

“Our partnership in many ways is a marriage…. I dare say we’ve spent more time together than most married couples do.” - Dean Martin

"When we shook hands on our partnership, I said in my heart, this is forever, ‘til death do us part. It still goes! Sometimes he makes mistakes. Sometimes I make mistakes. But as long as people let us alone, the team of Martin & Lewis will go on.” - Dean Martin

"You’re still the best in the whole world….. I love you, and I mean it.” - Dean talking to Jerry on stage after Jerry surprised him for his birthday, 1989.

“Oh, God, we had such fun, it was ridiculous. He’s doing a number one night and he calls me up. He said, I hope I didn’t interrupt you when you’re busy.” I said “No, I was just standing around listening to you.’ He said, ‘In the middle of the song I thought to myself, I miss him.’ I said ‘That’s why you called me up, because you missed me?’ He said ‘Yeah–now we’re together–isn’t that wonderful?”

[slashbitch2]

Extra Complications PT3

Previous Chapter

"Don't bother coming back into work tomorrow."

Her words had been replaying in your mind since the final encounter, bouncing round like a taunting echo. It'd only been a week since you'd stopped working at Alchemex, yet had felt like a lifetime of boredom and fatigue. With no job or persistent villain to chase after, if you could even call Liv a villain anymore, there was no reason to get out of bed in the morning, nothing to stop you from moping around your apartment. The days blended into what felt like one long sick day, disregarding the occasional break to rescue a cat stuck in a tree.

Although, your only sickness was of the mind. Whenever you attempted to get some rest, your thoughts would inevitably drift to Liv; the cold, distanced tone to her voice, the look of betrayal in her eyes, how empty the week had felt without her. By the third night plagued with insomnia, you were starting to accept that your feelings towards her may be more than a simple crush. On the eighth night, you decided you ought to do something about it and began to formulate a plan.

Entering the building like you were still an employee would be almost impossible since anyone who left their job was rarely welcomed back with open arms. It'd also be better to avoid the security and CCTV cameras, which you'd learnt used face recognition technology. And finally, locating a security card would pose a potential problem, as walking round the facility until you happened to stumble across a janitor to steal from was unfortunately no longer a possibility. So, what was the solution to all your problems? Vents.

Which is how you found yourself scouring over blueprints like a cliched protagonist from a bygone age movie, but at least the irony hadn't escaped you, and thankfully laboratories generally required a great deal of ventilation, so you had multiple routes memorised by the time the bus had arrived at Alchemex. You'd spent the entire journey on edge, fearful that any fellow passenger might accost you for looking so suspicious. But apparently an agitated figure buried beneath a pile of blueprints wearing a spider-suit underneath a jumper was normal enough to be ignored.

Nonetheless, stepping onto the concrete ground of the car park was a relief which inspired a tad more optimism. Moreover, leaving the burdening stacks of blueprints behind further alleviated some of your anxiety. It felt like a final confirmation that this was your one and only chance, and you weren't about to mess it up. Even as the building loomed over you casting a shadow of uncertainty, nothing could discourage your determination.

There was the remarkable sense that you didn't belong here, though it was a familiar sensation. One that persuaded you to tug the mask over your head before darting toward the edge of the car park. It was your belief that as long as you stuck to the outskirts of the facility, few would pay you any attention while you were out in the open. Therefore allowing you to manoeuvre into position and take the quickest passage straight to Liv's office. Which is exactly what you did.

The first stretch of the vent system was a straight drop, a narrow plunge that went on for longer than anticipated. Like a slide with no angle of inclination and a lot less fun. You hit the metal base with an ungraceful clang, certain that your legs would've buckled upon impact had it not been for the lack of space to do so. Overall an uncomfortable start. The remainder of the journey was a lot of crawling and muscle cramps, your only incentive being the occasional grate to peer down which reassured you that your destination was drawing nearer. Everything was going to plan.

Until you heard her.

Olivia's voice rung clear as if from a dream. It stood out from the general ruckus, initially leading you to believe you were hallucinating, that it was some kind of audible mirage. Yet you refocused your senses and it didn't go away. She was almost directly below you, separated simply by a thin layer of metal. With renewed ambition, you crawled toward the nearest grate as quickly and quietly as possible, frantically lowering your head to find the perfect angle, all just to catch a glimpse of her.

"What do you mean the program hasn't worked?" Liv pinched the bridge of her nose, her words laced with an an uncharacteristic anger. You'd never known her to be an irritable person, she loved her job and every challenge that came with it. Was she uptight? Sure. Passionate? Undeniably. But never angry.

"I've tried rerunning and rewriting parts of the code. And it just doesn't work!" Some poor employee (Mark, if you remembered correctly) was fighting for his dignity below. You could see he was flushing, wildly flailing his hands around as he tried to justify his mistake.

"You've rewritten part of it?!" She repeated, volume rising in frustration.

"I- I thought I knew how to fix it."

"I told you not to mess with my work." She growled, stepping closer.

"With all due respect," He didn't back down, clearly caught off guard and unsure how to deal with an irritated Liv. "it's actually Y/N's work."

Upon hearing your name, you ducked out of view as if you'd been seen. Although, it was evident that this was not the case, so slowly you edged forward to peer down at them once more.

Liv's face had dropped at the mention of your name. But by the time you'd settled back in place, anger was already seeping into her expression, then was suddenly smoothed into disturbingly sweet smile. "Well, Y/N isn't here anymore. So I suggest you keep your incompetent hands off of things you don't understand."

Judging by her vague wording, you guessed she hadn't told anyone the real reason you'd been fired. A fond appreciation flooded your mind. Despite everything that had happened, she still respected your secret enough to keep it. You begun to consider that maybe Liv cared about you as much as you did her. Why else would she lie on your behalf?

Mark muttered an ashamed. "Ok." Then left to try and atone for his mistake.

Liv stayed where she was for another minute before taking a deep breath, shaking off her annoyance, and setting a determined path. You assumed she was heading for her office and were about to follow, but then paused. Was this really the best time for a reunion? She obviously wasn't in the best mood, and if you had to guess, it was likely due to your betrayal. Was it too soon to reappear in her life? You'd arrived here with the intention to apologise and make amends, however, you had no idea how Liv would react or what would happen after. If there would even be an after. She could attack you on first sight for all you knew.

No. You'd come too far to turn around now. You continued along the vent before you could overthink the decision. It would be foolish to turn around now: the end was in sight, and rapidly growing closer.

Reaching the final grate, you were greeted with the familiar yet new aerial view of Liv's office. It'd remained mainly the same since your departure. She hadn't even bothered to remove your lab coat, which was still carelessly thrown over the chair you'd frequented everyday. And Liv herself hadn't changed much either, disregarding the seemingly permanent anger lines upon her face. She was sitting at her desk, head in hand, mindlessly flipping through a folder. It occurred to you at that moment that she didn't look irritated, rather sad. Another unexpected emotion for her to display.

After a minute, she sighed, tossing the papers to one side and bringing her other hand up to crash forward into. She looked defeated, seeing her this way felt wrong. You honestly preferred the anger because it showed she'd maintained at least some of her usual intensity.

You sighed. It was time to fix this. With unsteady hands you delicately unscrewed the bolts holding the grate in place, careful to make as little noise as possible. It was as you were removing the final screw that you realised something: you had no idea what to say to her. No planned speech or prepared apology, you'd resigned to hoping for a spontaneous burst of thoughtfulness in the moment. You sat there for a minute, fidgeting with one of the screws while attempting to come up with what you would say. Should you start by apologising for breaking in, or for lying to her, or for applying to the job in the first place? You had a lot of things to apologise for.

And unfortunately, the chance to think it through any further was taken from you as the screw slipped out of your hand. You gasped watching it fall, hitting the ground with an faint thud. Although quiet enough for most people to ignore, you knew Liv was too thorough to not investigate. And as expected, following your sharp intake of breath was the sound of a chair scraping against the floor, then footsteps gradually approaching.

Liv appeared below you, bending down to inspect the screw before glancing up. Her eyes locked with yours through the mask and widened in shock.

"Hey." The casual tone to your voice sounded forced and you grimaced. But rather than dwelling on it, you dropped from the exposed hiding place and pulled off your mask. You smiled awkwardly, eyes scanning and overanalysing her reaction.

Liv stepped back to lean on the desk for support. Her mouth was agape, but otherwise her face was worryingly blank.

"If this is a bad time I can come back later."

Still no response. The room was drowning in a tense silence.

"Well, actually I probably can't come back." With no social cues to interact with, you began to ramble aimlessly. "I'm guessing you'll find a way to patch that particular security breach." You gestured up to the gap in the ceiling and laughed lightly. "Sorry about that. I didn't know how else to-"

You're cut off as Liv moves impossibly fast, grabbing your shoulders and shoving you backwards against the wall. A thousand different thoughts run through your mind at once, all wondering what she's about to do. The majority are focused on the possibility that she's going to hurt you in some way, although, even if she did have the intention to cause harm, you wouldn't fight back. You were tired of conflict, especially when it involved Liv.

She was standing close, breathing heavily and saying nothing. You couldn't help but let your eyes flicker down to her lips, the temptation to kiss her becoming increasingly vehement. So instead you forced your attention up to her eyes, which held an air of confusion.

"What are you doing here?" Her voice was deep, full of unvoiced emotions.

You licked your lips, glancing at her mouth one last time. "I came here to apologise. I didn't mean for any of this to go so far."

"You're lying." She backed away slightly and you immediately missed the proximity.

"I'm not! I just-" You stuttered, then admitted in a quieter voice. "I never meant to hurt you."

She inhaled shakily and swallowed, your eyes tracing the movement of her throat. "And?"

"And because I care about you too much to let you think I did any of this on purpose." You lowered your head, her invasive glare becoming overwhelming.

Soft fingers firmly gripped your chin, compelling you to look up. Her eyes displayed distrust, confusion which you suddenly feel the need to wipe away. You wanted to make your affection for her clear, but found yourself annoyingly speechless. All the recurring thoughts and confined confessions that had been plaguing you for a week suddenly gone from your mind. You were infuriatingly at a loss for words. Although, the warmth of her fingers against your skin reminded you that actions speak louder than words.

You leant in slowly, giving her sufficient time to stop you. She didn't move so you kissed her lightly at first, searingly next. Your arm shifted to wrap around her back tentatively and she moaned faintly in response. Although, it wasn't until you allowed her to take control that any remaining anger dissipated. At that point the kiss became bruising, her hold on you tightening as a wave of shared desperation rolled over the both of you. Before the desperation could reach its peak, however, you separated from her.

Liv was almost panting, her cheeks tinged pink and hair a mess. She promptly attempted to kiss you again, though you dodged the advance and she whined. Her mouth latched onto your neck, sucking at the skin there.

Your head fell back against the wall, dizzy from lust. "Does this mean I can have my job back?" You quipped, running a hand through your hair.

"Depends." She murmured in between kisses. "Do you have anymore secrets?"

"None that I can think of." You smiled, the prospect of returning to what you'd come to consider as normality was an appealing one. Of course there were things you would need to work through with Liv, and many, many extra complications alongside having a relationship with your boss. But nothing easy was ever worthwhile, and Liv was living proof of that.

"Alright. You're hired."

[r6shippingdelivery]

I’ve been a fan of your work for a while and I fully agree with bottom kapkan, but I’m curious on your view 👀

In your view, do you think there’s ever been a moment where kap has wanted to switch places with glaz? Has glaz ever thought about bottoming for kap? Do they mention switching roles ever? You mentioned not liking top!kap stuff and it got me thinking if you thought he’d ever want to switch places occasionally. Sorry for the load of questions, I love this ship and how you write them! :)

Thank you! 💜 This is not the first time someone asks this question, but aside from reading the old, long answer, I'll try to give you a brief overview here too!

In my personal HCs, Kapkan had a hard time accepting he is gay. He dated women for a time, because it was expected of him, and when he finally started going out with dudes, he kept topping because he thought it felt safer/less damning (internalised homophobia at work), and because most of his partners saw a beefy military dude and assumed he was a top and/or wanted to get railed by him. And it was nice enough, but it wasn't what, deep down, he fantasized about.

After coming to terms with what he really wanted -at least to try it-, he eventually joined Rainbow and met Glaz. And Glaz might be the quiet type but he knows what he wants, and he observed Kapkan long enough to think he wanted it too. My HC for Glaz is that he is a bit more experienced than Kapkan, being younger he's had a bit of an easier time discovering himself, and he is not ashamed of being gay. He's tried quite a few things too, and he can confidently say bottoming isn't for him and he feels a lot more satisfied when being the one in control.

I think due to misconceptions and lack of communication, because Kapkan takes a while sometimes to articulate what he really wants, Glaz one day asks him if he's happy with what they do, and falling back on previous experiences, Kapkan immediately assumes Glaz wants him to top. Neither is thrilled by the idea but they're convinced it's what the other wants, so they try it. And it's... it's not a disaster, but it's not Good(tm) either. So they are quite relieved when both confess they'd rather keep things as they were.

Now, I've had quite a few people say it's not very realistic, and that couples switch all the time, etc. And in the early days I tried to compromise and say they switched but I'd mostly focus on the times Kapkan bottomed.... Honestly, I lied: I truly see the ship strictly as a top!Glaz/bottom!Kapkan dynamic when it comes to sex, sorry not sorry 😂

[getitinbusan]

I've Got A Coupon (18+) 

Part 4

Jimin: Voyeur: You can look but you can't touch.

Warnings: 18+ consensual sexual poly relationships. Always swearing, Safe sex is implied. Don't read smut if you can't handle the 🍆💦

Words: 1400

Valentine's Day, what do you give 7 men who already have everything?

Sitting down, you create a series of Love Coupons and place them in a bowl...

Erotic movie night

Massage with a happy ending

Lap dance

Voyeur, look but don't touch!

Naked Chef, dining al fresco

Trip to the sex shop

Location of your choice!

Calling them to the kitchen they each take a turn picking their present.

Series Masterlist

12 pm: 

Y/N: It's your time baby!  Can't wait to see what you came up with. Where are you?

Chim: I'm at the front entrance, Come get in the 🚙

You jumped into the passenger seat and you could just tell he was up to no good.

"Jimin, I can smell the mischief exuding from your pores." 

You began questioning why you'd let them make the coupon their own fantasy.

"I don't know how on earth you managed to turn this prompt into a field trip." 

Reading the look on your face he giggled, "Don't worry it's not that bad. Do up your seatbelt my metres running."

Pulling into the alley you still weren't sure where you were.

"We're taking the back entrance, the last thing we need are Dispatch photos of us going in here." 

"But it's not that bad? Just career ending if you were to get caught? Seems worth it." 

"The reward totally outweighs the risk, trust me." 

He pulled the innocuous looking back door open and you were met by a huge flashing pink neon sign "SKIN" 

"A strip club?" 

He smiled, "Private Room." 

"So you brought me to a strip club so that we can mutually masturbate in a professional setting?" 

He kissed you with the smirk on his face, "I thought you were smarter than this." 

"Park Jimin, if someone's about to get freaky with you maybe don't call them dumb." 

He rolled his eyes, "let's go."

He shouted across the bar, "Is it ready for me?"  

The scantily clad server came over and kissed his cheek. "It sure is, I think you already know where #7 is." She looked you up and down before letting out a disappointed "hmmff," while heading back to the bar. 

"Wow, now I feel ugly and stupid. Sure hope this date gets better." 

He pulled your hand up the hallway past several open doors. They were peep show boxes. 

Stopping when he got to room 7 he leaned in close, "I think 7 may be your lucky number." 

The room was sparse. The dim lighting revealed everything in silhouette. There was a black leather couch that sat in front of a curtained window and small table off to the side with an old school phone. 

"Are you ever going to explain this little fantasy to me?" 

He picked the phone up off its cradle and hit a number you couldn't see. "You can start." That's all that was said before he hung it back up. 

"The card said you can look but you can't touch." He stood behind you, his breath hot on your neck as he spoke. "But it didn't say WHO couldn't be touched." 

He certainly was clever. You really didn't think there was much to interpret on this one but he'd managed to invent a whole work around in less than 24 hours. 

"So we can touch each other while we watch someone else! That's really very impressive Jimin." 

He lit up at the praise. "Apparently I'm highly motivated by sex." 

"Then let's get you a reward."

Walking to the window you drew the curtain open to reveal the set. A black leather couch, a small table and a phone. The mirror image of your own room except theirs contained two naked women who were kissing. 

He wrapped his arms around you from behind, "Did I do good?"

You turned and pulled his shirt over his head, "Can they see us?" 

"Only if you want them to." 

"I think I'll take a pass, my body isn't meant to be shown off like theirs."

With a frown on his face he tucked your hair behind your ear. "You're perfect Y/N and you've got absolutely nothing to be ashamed of." 

You smiled bashfully. If anyone knew the struggle of being self conscious it was Jimin. 

He slowly undid the zipper down the back of your dress and slid his hands inside. Skimming his fingers from your waist to your shoulders he pulled the straps away from your body until it fell around your feet. 

"You're perfect." 

His lips kissed the back of your neck sending jolts of pleasure down your spine. Your bare skin was covered with goosebumps and your nipples were pebbled in anticipation. 

Longing for his lips you turned and kissed him. Soft, wet, warm puffy lips that perfectly aligned with your own. 

"You know the best part of being friends who fuck?" 

"I'm hoping I get to find out." 

"It's the part where I know exactly what you're thinking, exactly what you want just by looking at you."

"Tell me, what do I want Y/N?"

Dropping to your knees you released him from the stranglehold of his zipper. He sat hard and thick waiting behind the fabric of his Calvin's. 

"My mouth." You pulled them down just enough to keep him tucked in and kissed the neatly trimmed area of his lower abdomen.

He groaned," Please don't make me wait, I've been thinking about this since yesterday." 

Pulling his pants down over the swell of his ass you took him into your mouth. He was the perfect size for sucking, and he loved that he could disappear into your mouth entirely.

You grabbed his hands and put them on your head. "Use your hands Jimin." 

His fingers tangled into your hair as he pumped himself slowly past your lips. 

With your mouth around him sucking, he watched the two women behind the glass. They sat, tongues licking tits and fingers in pussy's. It was a sensory experience like no other and he  couldn't help his desperate moaning. 

There was no way he'd last at this pace. "Come up here and watch."

As soon as you stood, his lips caught yours, his tongue plunged deep into your mouth seeking the comfort of its counterpart.

"Over here," he moved you to the back of the couch. He positioned your hands exactly where he wanted them. "Legs apart for me." His hands ran down your back and came to rest on your hips. "How's your view?" 

Behind the couch you both stood, his cock pressed against your entrance. "It's perfect." 

The women lay in 69, lips on clits in their private room as he thrust himself inside you. 

"Do you think I can make you cum before they do?" 

He placed his index finger on your clit and slowly circled the wet bud. It was heaven. 

As your closest confidant Jimin knew everything you needed and then some. He was the keeper of all of your secrets. He knew every intimate detail of your sex life with Yoongi, and you'd gushed on more than one occasion about Guk's prowess. He had the insider advantage of knowing both men's skills and he was now combining them and using them against you.  

"That's how you like it isn't it?"

You moaned with each thrust against your cervix. "Right up inside you as deep as I can get?"

Your eyes were closed enjoying every second lost in your climb when your hair was tugged back. "You'd better open those eyes. The game's look, don't touch and you're not looking."

He gripped your hair in his fist keeping your neck strained. "Look at them rubbing their clits together." His index finger pressed a little firmer and faster. 

"Fuck me harder Jimin," you cried out about to cum. 

His thrusts hitting just right and the excitement of the voyeurism met in perfect timing.

Collapsing from your orgasm he pulled out and came all over your back." 

"I can't wait to tell my best friend about the great fuck I just had." 

He smiled and pulled his pants back on, " I think from now on  our sleepovers are gonna be a lot more interesting. 

Part 5: Jin - Naked Cooking