#and I've been working on being less ashamed of how deep i feel about things and how i interact with the world

[silvergyus]

omg ur recent soobin post! he is so emotional and intense and complex and it makes me feel so much better about myself lmao bc i always feel like i have to like..tone myself down for other people. or that im too much or too emotional or ~complicated~ for ppl. but seeing someone like soobin being himself makes me feel happy :,)

I feel the same way! I am really loud and extroverted and deeply emotional (enfp + libra lol) and so I think what I love so much about him is that he is introverted but still expresses himself and gives us glimpses into himself. I feel like in ways idols or just performers in general don't always do

like, something that really stands out to me is when he said that he felt bad because he was the only member who didn't have a good time during lolla 2022. that was super emotional for me as a moa who went to lolla 2022 and was gearing up for lolla 2023. and it's extremely vulnerable of him to share that!! like, he put himself at risk of potentially hurting fans that went to 2022 and also like, let people know that right before they performed again, as headliners. and I understand why he was so scared and why he didn't have the best time and I'll never hold that against him but I so very much admire him for feeling brave enough to say how he felt :,)

like, idk I really just feel like he's a really sensitive guy and I think it makes him who is is as a person and as an idol and the leader of txt. and I'm so proud and filled with emotion when I get to hear him speak from the heart

he balances his roles well and I've only been a moa for about 2.5 years now but getting to see him + the other members grow and learn about what they've been proud of has been something that brings me a lot of happiness

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - I'm Back (Did Ya Miss Me?)

Organized, in each category, with ones I'm enjoying most at the top.

May 2025 Catch Up

Buckle up beeaches, we got a lot to cover.

Ongoing Series - Thai

Knock Out (Fri WeTV ) ep 1 of 12 - I called this one (via the trailer) "a low quality less fun/funny version of Wandee Goodday" and I am thoroughly ashamed of myself.

It's GREAT.

Harsh but i like it. And the fighting is quite good. Thun has a very Lan Wangji aspect to him. Protective, monosyllabic, powerful seemingly disengaged... still waters fuck run deep and all that. Poor Keen is downtrodden, clever, and adorable. It's a great dynamic, I like this a whole lot more than I expected. The pacing is even good. I'm so pleased with this BL! Damnit why did WeTV have to win this crop of new offerings?

My Stubborn (Sun iQIYI) eps 3-4 of 10 - of course it's stupid high heat nonsense, that always ranks higher than it should for me.

3 Sorn just treats Jun like a living doll meets boyfriend and I'm kinda into the kink of it. Jun is treating him like a first time dildo so what's good for the top is good for the bottom, I guess? Also i got my bites so I'm pleased. I like that Jun is a snarky tsundere who knows how to stand up for himself. Refreshing take on the archetype.

4 I’m not opposed to this style office whipping boy in this particular show. No idea why. I just like it with these characters. I think it’s cause Sorn is so clearly in love, and literally has no idea what to do except bully the boy. Life's tough for a tsundere seme with a mad crush on an easygoing sunshine uke.

Top Form (Thurs WeTV) eps 7-9 of 10 - Yet another installment of get that boy a therapist not a boyfriend. How many is that now? Countless.

7 I like how they chose to translate the pronouns (jao et al) from old-fashioned Thai into old-fashioned English (thee/thou et al)! It worked really well. I've been waiting for someone clever to do this. Well done Khun Translator! We likie!

I have to talk about how good Boom is after having seen him in his previous (not good) BL. (Where he played the seme character with a completely different screen energy.) He really is a stellar actor.

8 Way to get your fetish shoe-horned in their Japan, even when you’re being adapted. I’ve got to say that these two not only have decent chemistry, they’re really great at kissing for camera. They seem to be very aware of where the lens is and making sure their angles are good. It’s an unusual skill. It’s rare for both parties to be this aware as well simultaneously good at execution.

PROPS! They got sasaeng motivation down! Someone did their research.  

9 DOOM ep!!! 

Boys in Love (Sun iQIYI ) ep 3-4 of 12 -

3 I identify with Shane so much, re-organizing for avoidance is exactly what I do when emotional. Now that there’s an element of angst, I’m enjoying this show a little bit more, it feels more high school and less sappy.

4 They are EXTREMELY cute! This has a kind of modern Lovesick vibe to it, which I guess they’re going for? But it’s really hard to nail that without a bit of edge (which GMMTV rarely does. Still, I’m liking this better than I did at first.

The Next Prince (Sat iQIYI) eps 1-3 of 14 - Hotly anticipated 3 yr production featuring ZeeNewNu in a fantasy/historical where Zee plays a knight bodyguard and Nu a prince fighting for his right to inherit.

1 Okay Princess Diaries BL, let's do this thing! It's all very fancy and it would like us to very-much know how fancy it is. Zee is still hot.  The fight scenes are still not. I don’t know where this is going. But the chemistry is good so *shrug*. I am in ecstasies over how incredibly not-British that supposedly British party was.

2 This show is wildly bad. But the wildly part is fun. Absolutely nothing makes sense, you could ride a motorcycle through those plot holes. No one behaves logically, unless you assume it is a straight up fairytale. Secondary couple is giving TulHin vibes and I am IINTO IT. You know I love a good whipping boy. 

3 So they are misogynistic but not homophobic? That doesn’t make sense. Are we in a Hellenistic cultural model or something? Oh no, I’m applying logic again. Must turn off brain-meats. That gold crown looks exactly like a hot cross bun.

Could we please get onto the secondary couple at this juncture? They look so cute and I’m mad that we haven’t seen anything substantial with them yet.

Pit Babe 2 (Fri iQIYI) eps 1-3 of 13 - More conspiracy and struggles but less omegaverse.

I have to admit to reservations upfront. It took me days to finally watch the first episode. Historically I’m not a big fan of second seasons in BL. And while I enjoyed Pit Babe OG at the time, it’s not my favorite chaos BL. I convinced myself to watch the new installment by simply saying it would be all right if they messed with any of the other couples, so long as they left AlanJeff alone. And now. The chaos.

1 Of course I love Willy. Hot & creepy = my kryptonite. Nice to see Nut again, even nicer to hear that beautiful voice of his. 

2 Okay whatever. Just don't break up Alan & Jeff. 

3 I said not to mess with AlanJeff, didn't I? Argh. Meanwhile Kenta remains my favorite precious peanut. Also his arm muscles have returned in force, I see. Excellent.

Honestly, I rarely watch BTS footage, except for this show. The cast just seem to be having so much fun. I think I like the BTS better than the actual show.

I am so happy to have them back on my screen.

My Sweetheart Jom (Fri YT) ep 1 of 12 - I admit I wasn't sold on this one from the trailer but Saint is back and I'm disposed to be intrigued by the kind of script that would pull him in. So far it feels a bit Tale of Thousand Stars lite.

I love the 3 kids = one brain cell side kicks. I also like the personalities of the main characters. They are both noble and caring in their own way. I enjoy that aspect. it remains to be seen what their chemistry as like as a couple. But I’m enjoying this more than I thought I would.

The BangkokBoy (Sat Gaga) eps 2-4 of 12 -

2 Now we know how everything went down. I fast-forward through a lot of the fighting in prison. I think as our leads still haven’t met we can assume that this is not quite a BL. I think there’s also a chance that this one might not end happy. If my spidey sense goes off within the next three episodes I might drop it until I know for sure.

3 I’m going to ban Thailand and Vietnam from using flashbacks until episode six of any given show. You can’t use filler so early on in a series! Just take a shorter run time. It would be great if the main couple actually met at some point in this damn show.

4 Oh dear. More triggers. Everyone in the show is either a psychopath or utterly broken. At least our boys finally had a date. Prat fall kiss was not necessary in this style of show.

Loy Kaew First Love (Fri YT) ep 1 of 6 - I said I wasn’t gonna watch this one, but then it just dropped into my YouTube feed and who am I to resist? It’s a pretty simple story about two boys falling in love in a remote village where that just isn't a thing so everyone is against them. The scenery and the culture is interesting and different from what we are used to. It's got slightly better production values than I was expecting, and the chemistry is good. So a surprise continue for me, but I will warn you that this style of BL from Thailand only ends happily about 50% of the time, so I may drop it if I feel it's gonna head south.  

Sweet Tooth Good Dentist (Fri iQIYI) eps 6-8 of 12 - When they are a couple, they’re an extremely cute couple. But it starts and ends there.

6 The most ridiculous love triangle ever. As is often the case with me and love triangles could we not just have the lead and the secondary get together instead? Jimmy & Mark have great chemistry. 

7 Oh i don't know. And frankly I don’t think they do either.

8 Finally all of Sant’s trauma and background come out. Also they're good kissers. But I'm not warming to this show for some reason.

Eye Contact (Weds WeTV) ep 1 of 12 - Uni BL about a boy and a very hot campus star. Oh goodie. Something new and different for us.

It’s about what i expected. Not good but the actors are seasoned. (I already miss PokeTongue.) The production is truly awful - the sound being particularly bad and inconsistent. But frankly, I've seen worse. It's very "ordinary bottom trope" (Japan's term not mine) with 2 hot guys chasing/bullying our nerd for no apparent reason. Plot twist! Our ordinary is not so ordinary at all! And I kind of like that bit. Oh it’s still truly bad, but am I gonna keep watching it anyway? Hell yes.

Mission to the Moon (YT) 1-6 of 12 - Short form BL airing on YT, historical reincarnation romance combined with my ghost bf trope. Not sure how this one will end happy, but it's so low impact I'm watching it anyway. So far it's... fine.

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Sweetheart Service (Korea Fri YT) eps 1-2 of 12 - After being pressured by his family to get married, Min U asks Yu Ha to pretend to be his fiancé.

1 I’m enjoying it. Although Strongberry seems to have dropped in quality to the level of that other Korean company that’s airing short form on YouTube these days. In other words, it doesn’t really have its signature style anymore.

2 Despite my reservations around the directing and filming, I'm enjoying this show. They know where it’s at. There hitting all their marks for and old-school BL this time around. Carry on, I trust you.

Fight for You (Taiwan Fri Gaga) eps 7-9 of 12 -

7 They are awfully cute. I am starting to be scared of all the lies tho. 

8 Pretty much the same as last week. Honestly, not a lot is changing each episode. This one doesn’t seem to be progressing much.

9 Finally the DOOM ep. Cry babies, CRY.

It Finished, I'm Mildly Annoyed

Business as Usual (Korea) Final thoughts - An office reunion romance about college boyfriends meeting each other again in the workplace. Korea doing its bog standard miscommunication for the sake of plot + catlike tsundere uke but with surprise! sex out the gate. This one was mostly frustrating although the chemistry was decent and the love triangle wasn't really (yay!). It's fine. 8/10

Something Is Not Right (Korea) Final thoughts - Look, this is essentially a story of unrequited love out of willful unwillingness to believe the truth when it is staring you in the face AND told directly to you clearly. One boy confesses and then refuses to take the yes that came after it as a yes. (Like a reverse Mr Collins.) As a consequence this ended up being one of the most frustrating KBLs I've seen in a long time. Quality and performance-wise this is probably an 8/10 BL, but out of pure annoyance I gave it a 7/10. You’re pissing me off, Korea.

Stand By Me (Vietnam YT) Final thoughts - I binge watched this on my travels. 2 young boys form a bond in childhood but are parted. They reunite later in high school (the older is college age). The older one us very puppy fixated and the younger very cat tsundere. It's fine. Stuff kinda happens. There are other characters. Who do... stuff. 6/10

Last Meal Universe (Thai) 8 eps - An alien who has come to destroy earth instead falls in love with Thai food and then the Thai boy who cooks it - realistic, actually. It's done, should I bother?

Lost in the Woods (Gaga) 7 eps - Not my thing, dropped at ep 2. All signs point to no change to that opinion so I won't be reviewing.

It's airing but......

Sashes and Hearts (Pinoy YT) 13 eps - Philippines is doing Drop Dead Gorgeous only all gay boys queening their asses off. Doesn't interest me, not sure if it's BL.

Secret Ghost (Thai Sat Viu) ?? eps - The trailer dropped and it looks so bad.

My Golden Blood (Weds iQIYI) 12 eps - dropped at ep 5.

In other news

Bain of Kpop group JUST B comes out - pretty historic for the industry, actually.

Yes, Viki was down for a bit mid week. It's back up again.

I rewatched while traveling

Light on Me - of course it’s still great, this is one of my few 10/10s for a reason.

My School President - I actually thought the pacing was better on a rewatch, during the original I got a little bored, this time I could simply ff through all of the stuff to do with music. It increased my enjoyment of it even more. Still a favorite.

La Pluie - I still hold with the first half being excellent, it's the second half where it loses itself (and me). Still a solid show with good core concepts an interesting things to say about major tropes. The rewatch didn’t change my opinion at all.

Cosmetic Play Lover - what can I say, I love this stupid show.

Tokyo in April is... - still a big sad for me, but a lot easier to take now that I know exactly what happens (and happened). This time around, I appreciated the performances more. Since I wasn’t as caught up in the story, I could really evaluate their nuances. It’s a great show. If you don’t mind your BL dark.

Next Week Looks Like This: Frigay is BACK!

Still Coming in May

5/18 Season of Love in Shimane AKA Ai no Kisetsu: The Season of Love (Thai) - Sequel to Kiseki Chapter 2 which I intensely disliked. I won't be watching this.

5/19 I Promise I Will Come Back (Thai Mon WeTV) 10 eps - A Thai Taiwanese colab. Stars two Thai actors and Taiwanese identical twins from H3. However the lead and co-producer Tontae is actually a very good actor, so this could be good unless it's oen of those mostly intended to be a tourism advert for the Thai countryside. We shall see!

5/22 The Ex-Morning (Thai Thurs YT?) 10 eps - trailer Y This is an original script written just for the OG, direct by Lit (SOTUS) about a news reporter plagued by scandal who must work with his PR ex-boyfriend to rebuild his reputation. A reunion romance that's hitting pretty close to the IRL pair branded mark. It's no secret that (much as I make room for SOTUS because of it's significance) I don't love this pair, but we shall see what we get. Of course I'm gonna watch it. I have some standards to uphold - even if they don't.

Also: if GMMTV brought Ohm T on board simply to use him as everybody’s incredibly hot ex bf who turns up at opportune times, I’m actually really happy with that decision.

2025 Line Up

BL Announced for 2025 - PART 1

BL Announced for 2025 - PART 2

20 BLs Announced for 2025 That I'm Really Excited About

GMMTV 2025 Line Up - My Totally Biased and Wildly Flawed Feels

THIS WEEK’S MONTH'S BEST MOMENTS (SO FAR)

He is SO CUTE. You know me and dimples.

This moment felt so honestly high school. (both Boys in Love)

Oh he's so damn proud of himself. (My Stubborn)

I just can't with these two, they are such good kissers. (Top Form)

If evil why so hot? (PIt Babe 2)

(last 3 weeks ago)

The tag BLigade: @doorajar @solitaryandwandering @my-rose-tinted-glasses @babymbbatinygirl @babymbbatinygirl @isisanna-blog @mmastertheone @pickletrip @aliceisathome @urikawa-miyuki @tokillamonger @sunflower-positiiivity @rocketturtle4 @blglplus @anythinggoesintheshire @everlightly @renafire @mestizashinrin @bl-bam-beyond @small-dark-and-delicious @saezurumurmurs

[harmonyrae]

Taller Than Him

Synopsis: Zayne, Xavier, Rafayel, Sylus & Caleb could CARE LESS about your height, and here's how they'll prove it.

AN: Fun fact about me - I am around 6'3" (190.50cm). I was already 6ft (182 cm) when I was 14. Being tall has felt like my "identity" for a long time. I wrote this cause I've been feeling shitty lately.

Content Warnings: Tiny bit suggestive, but mostly cute. Nothing explicit here, just fluff. Cover pictures are from Pinterest btw :)

Zayne❄️

Actually leans down to hug you so he can dig his face further between your tits 

Gives unsolicited neck massages cause he knows looking down strains your muscles

Makes you eat larger helpings at meal time because your body needs more fuel, it’s normal and he reminds you of that, especially if you get self-conscious 

Will tell kids at the hospital who are going through growth spurts about you so they’ll feel more normal, “My girlfriend is taller than I am and she’s beautiful and strong. Don’t be ashamed of your height, one day it could help you be an incredible hunter like her.”

Never lets you sit next to him, loves to grab you and pull you onto his lap (no you’re not too heavy)

Reminds you to stretch & will help you so your long muscles won’t spasm (how he does this is completely up to you…😉)

Xavier⭐

Blatantly asks you to lift him up against the wall (it turns him on)

Stands behind you and wraps his arms around your waist, just to nuzzle into your back

Forces you to wear his hoodies, even though they aren’t long enough and barely cover your ass… (he knows what he’s doing)

Loves tracing your stretch marks, will happily remind you they are your battle scars and they are beautiful

Orders one of those massive bed/couch things so you have all the room you want and your feet don’t hang off when you cuddle and nap with him

Builds you a custom desk for work so you can sit criss-cross in your chair

Rafayel🫧

He’ll say “step on me” and ACTUALLY wants you to step on him

Sits on the floor between your legs and uses them as arm rests while he draws

Admires how fast you swim with your long legs giving you an advantage, but 100% complains about losing

He has responses ready for anyone who comments on your height, “Wow you’re so tall!” “And fuckin hot. Back off!” 

Will emotionally destroy anyone who asks you to get things from top shelves at the store “Does she look like an employee you uneducated prawn?” 

Renovates the bathroom to have a DEEP tub so you can comfortably take a bath alone (or with him😳)

Sylus🐦‍⬛

If you love heels, he will force you to wear them and he will compliment you all night about how damn good you look in them

When you sit next to him, he will drape your long legs over his lap and stroke your thighs 

Hires a personal seamstress for you to adjust all your clothes or make you custom pieces any time you want

Customizes all of his cars to make sure you have enough leg room

He'd customize his whole house, let's be honest, just to accommodate your height

Always flies you in his private jet wherever you need to travel so you can sit comfortably

Caleb🍎

He has to look up at you while you give him lil head pats? Whatever will he do?!

Loves to show you that even though you’re taller than him, he can still manhandle you (& you love it)

He worships your legs, he will take his time kissing them from ankle to hip to prove it

When you both were in school, he would literally beat up the kids who made fun of you after your growth spurt 

Can't call you by your nickname without laughing hysterically, the irony is too much for him "Hey pipSQUEEEEEAAAHH HA HA... aha.. hey come over here."

𝕿𝖆𝖌𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖙: @trishiepo0 @not-so-quite-human @kitsunetori @babyx91 @libriomancer @lilyadora @crowskitten22 @letharue @silverbrain @alastor-simp @drama-trauma @0tterteeth @mysticcollectionvoid @godzillaglitter @godoffuckedupcats @klmpun @m00nchildwrites @plsdonttakemyname @hauntedbysmut @withering-dream @lostwingz2236 @simpfortheseven @stellar-seas @havenhope-art @lly5duck @freddy-2002-blog @sylus-hunter

[olderthannetfic]

https://www.tumblr.com/olderthannetfic/773535634626379776/is-het-people-placing-moral-weight-on-attraction?source=share

This makes a very depthful problem seem easy to resolve. I'm an autistic person, and I've got a lot less compared to others, filter and all, and the thing about "finding someone who you don't need to hide anything from" is that this feels impossible because people are deeply ashamed of themselves—this is why any community of "freaks" will often feel safer, because they aren't so repressed, thus they hide less and express more, and later in my life, as I began to understand that the cost of hiding myself away was far too much, I stopped. I burnt out, and this has been... detrimental.

I think it doesn't matter if you're het, homo, neurodivergent or typical. Labels don't matter. Nothing does. We're not seperated by much in essence, even if we're different in many other ways. It's just that the idea of "good personhood" or "moral uprightness" is so often associated with being small, and a lot of weirdos will, eventually, understand the harm of that and stop, or otherwise be forced to if it takes them significant energy they no longer have (hello!), but it's hard.

It's difficult! It's not easy! Especially when your identity feels like, or in some cases is, a crime. It's because shame is enforced and engrained. It is hard to be yourself when your "self" is constantly denied. People are constantly shouting, or crying inside, wanting things, but when facing denial or being refused consistently, you'll learn how to be helpless, or more extremely, have your power stripped from you—because we don't want to be alone. We don't feel complete alone, but we feel alone around others, so we try to make up for it assuming our lack, but we aren't lacking, and I think it's important to focus on yourself, fulfill yourself. It's just that this is also so often used as a weapon.

When you're confident, or trying to be, people will try to trip you up or feel intimidated and try to lessen your sense of worth, that if they don't have it, no one can.

I mean, I know the whole thing about self-love is sort of cliche, but I really think that, by some measure, it's true. You have to love yourself to love others, in a sense, and not that you don't deserve it anyway, but that... loving is knowing, understanding, seeing clearly, it is respect and kindness and acceptance, even at your worst, and when you fail to do that for yourself—though it's fine to slip—when you can't even try, or you don't want to, I feel like... how can you make effort for someone else that you won't do for yourself? If you can't feed yourself, then you'll struggle to feed someone else.

You need to know things, and most people are too scared to even want, to look inward, to be curious, anything, all because of potential risk—which is going to happen in a real relationship. These things aren't avoidable just because they're ugly to you. They're hard to look at, yes, but no less real. And no real relationship can blossom without understanding, or in ignorance.

I don't think love is a walk in the park, but it should always stay, even through disagreement, and people can't even... have internal discord without coming to hate themselves for their contrasts and faults. But you have to. To forgive yourself, too.

It's out of your hands, in a way, what is done is done, it is what it is, and at one point I would have hated that, because I didn't want it to be, but if you want to control yourself, that eventually spills out, and if you're so focused on image, you... it feels impossible to have a deep connection when you can only look at the surface. There's no connection, and any requests for that are met with denial. So I truly think you have to work from within before you can work from without, as someone who has been. And this isolates you. It makes you strange, or unveils your strangeness, and people don't like that.

They don't like it because they don't understand, and refuse to try to get familiar out of fear for "what it means", because they can't control it, but it makes no difference because what's true still is, even if you spend your whole life looking away from it.

Literally anyone, anywhere, no matter who they are, that could apply to them. It's not a heterosexual issue. It's a human issue. People don't listen to people. People don't hear people out. And I get that, sometimes. But I don't know. People who are unsupported are more likely to lose that and needlessly go on chasing senseless things trying to make up for "missing pieces", but you're— you know, we're... whole people on our own, and we do deserve to have things.

It's just that queer people might be more likely to understand how much of a distraction that is by nature of being queer. They maybe can't afford to, but het people, by contrast, neurotypical people, anyone more privileged for any reason, may be less likely to notice these things because they grow up in or around certain structures that obscure them! When you exist inside of a system, it's harder to see the structure of it, and if you believe that something keeps you safe, then you'll hesitate to want to tear it down, but anything that promises to keep you safe is a lie—it's already hurting you.

We really just need to be more selfish and focus on our own satisfaction, what pleases us beyond simple engagement, because it isn't... any of this. I really think we already have those qualities, but if we could just see them elsewhere, then maybe...? I feel like I've been lucky with media and stuff, actually, but... well, even that's not easy. It's all isolating, and we all need to get more comfortable with being alone if it means we just get to be. You need to be yourself before you can love someone else. If we're too afraid of that, it's... well. Dreadful.

From experience.

It's just fear, though. And you shouldn't lose it entirely, but you can push past it. Unfortunately, uh, a lot of people don't try. You can lead a horse to water and all, but you can't make it drink, y'know? That's been what het relationships are like. You can't fix anyone, change them. They need to be able to help themselves. You are your own savior.

This is long. Apologies. I have many feelings from living a life. I don't know. I did also try, myself, to smooth things over, but it's just not worth it, and I think all the ideas around this stuff make that worse, because they say it is, though, and if you just try— and sometimes the harm is more in the trying, not the failing. Because failure isn't necessarily personal or signifying any "wrongness" in you. It just is. The blame, everything, it makes it all so much harder! Because blame and responsibility go hand in hand, when things fail, it implies that you have made some grand mistake, but that happens, too. You mess up, you fail, you learn, and eventually, you win. It all happens and it can't necessarily be avoided, but it's fine if we as people can work on it together!

--

[answersfromzestual]

Hi! Thank you for being a great resource and advocate.

Question: How did you bring up bottom surgery to your doctor? How did they respond, and do you have any tips for people who might be anxious about bringing it up?

I have been wanting to bring it up to a doctor, but I've been too afraid. I'm worried they'll say no, or act like I shouldn't want it for whatever reason (ex. the unfortunately common misperception that transmascs don't get/need bottom surgery). I don't know anyone else irl getting phalloplasty, and I still struggle with feeling ashamed about how bad I want/need it.

Thank you, and no pressure to answer this if you don't feel up to it, for any reason.

Hello and thank you :),

When talking to your doctor bring it up less as a question. Say "I have been researching this and looking into studies and I have been doing the work and I am serious, this is something I have been thinking about for awhile and need to be happy with myself in my skin". Ask them what steps they can help you with to get you going in the right path. This helps the doctor feel you are a lot more serious, they know at this point you need it, it's less a conversation of persuasion and more of a conversation of information.

I was very straight forward with my doctor, I came at him like an information tornado, and also I remember trying to explain my disconnect between my brain and body. I actually had to teach my family doctor about it. (With that don't be surprised if your family doctor does not know much, they are general practitioners, so they may know it in a very general term).

Pro Tip: email a clinic about generic information on the procedures and bring that information with you, it's proof you have put thought into it, and that you are serious about pursuing your transformation.

This is big and brave and I am proud of you. Just take some deep breaths, maybe try to talk to a trusted person and work out the kinks in your speech prior to the appointment.

It's better to be fully prepared, sound confident, and show you have knowledge about things like how you know it will be painful, mentally taxing, and it's a huge procedure. Be realistic with your expectations.

So it's less of your asking them if you can have the procedures, and more "I need them, to be okay in my skin".

Thank you for your ask, and the appreciation 😊.

You got this! I have faith in you.

Love,

-Zestual 💙 🩷

P.s if you have any more questions or concerns please feel free to contact me (or if my wording is confusing). I do not mind answering questions one bit.

[tothevines]

sooooooo I am now officially writing a jam fic (lmao) and I said to Holly earlier how maybe posting jam fic is what I need to break the seal and start posting my other fic. because I have two fics that are both like...a week's worth of solid daily editing away from being postable. (maybe two weeks. lol.)

so I've just been thinking about why I never do it...why don't I just buckle down and do the editing and post them. and obviously there is the mental hurdle of baring my soul and letting other people read something I've written, which I don't really do anymore. I used to have such thick skin--I've survived some incredibly toxic writing workshops (including one in which the fucking professor was the most toxic person in the workshop). I could handle People with Opinions About My Writing...but I don't know that I can anymore. and fanfiction is honestly a whole different beast. it's baring my soul in such a different way, one where I could easily Do It Wrong (e.g. with characterization), and that's terrifying.

but also...I'm realizing that part of the issue is that I simply have too many hobbies lmao. every evening/weekend, I'm faced with free time and I get overwhelmed because there are so many things i could do with it: work on my fic! work on my non-fanfic writing! catch up on my shows! read a book! play any of the six video games that I've only played half of! embroider! cross-stitch! make gifs! go for a hike! learn that new skill I've been wanting to learn (lately it's visible mending)! watch a two-hour video essay about an influencer I've never heard of! repot that aloe that's gotten too big for its container! deep clean my bathroom! (cleaning counts as a hobby okay 😤)

but ANYWAY...there are so many choices. I just like a lot of stuff. but often I end up doing none of these and feeling like absolute shit because I've wasted hours doomscrolling when I could have been doing something fulfilling (but that's a whole separate issue...).

but this week I haven't had any proper free time because I just moved. so every day has just been: get home from work > unpack boxes > eat dinner > unpack more boxes > go to bed. but my brain is rotating the blorbos like rotisserie chickens the entire time, and I really want to write, but I just don't have the time for it.

but then I get irritated with myself because - why am I acting like being busy is the reason I'm not writing? I don't write nearly as often as I'd like to, even when I do have the time for it. so why do I avoid it when I DO actually have the time???

and I think I just have so many hobbies that I will use them as an excuse to not write. if I'm always doing something else (or avoiding doing anything via doomscrolling), I can't write, so I can't ever post my fic, and I won't open myself up to criticism or being perceived.

I've felt so ashamed about not finishing/posting my fic for years at this point, but sitting here at work and word-vomiting all these thoughts into tumblr dot com actually feels like I'm having a little breakthrough about it. I don't know that having said breakthrough will actually make me change my behavior, but it's a good place to start!!!

it's really helpful for me to understand that I don't shy away from writing because I Am Bad and A Fraud but rather because all my other hobbies are so much less emotionally fraught--I don't have a bunch of fear and anxiety around all my other little activities like I do with writing. (not to mention how I have based a large part of my identity on ~being a writer~ for so much of my life and how hard THAT can make writing. for reasons that I cannot get into now but I'm sure y'all get it).

but anyway. I don't have a real conclusion here besides that I hope working this out will help me spend more time on writing and less time using my other interests to avoid writing. and maybe I will be able to tell when I want to do something because I actually have the desire to do it versus when I want to do something because it seems easier/less emotionally complicated than writing.

also maybe working on rpf is helpful because I don't know if I would ever post it anyway, so it's lower stakes??? if I do end up finishing a jam fic before I finish either of my queliot fics that will be so fucking funny though💀

[playroom-sekaii]

Hiiiii! You might know me from ao3 (@imani_i!) , if requests are open could you make a little akito fic/hcs? I loveloveloveeee your works <33

Omg hi, thanks for always giving so much love on my fics, it makes me so happy ^w^ I'll try to get a little Akito fic done as soon as I can (I've been busy with school and other fics lately >m<), but for now, here's some headcanons for this little guy!

-Age range is normally around 4-7, but he can end up as small as about two in situations such as being extremely stressed or sick. Not like he'd ever willingly admit that he was feeling that small, he's a big kid!

-Akito's quite embarrassed over being a regressor in general, it took a lot for him to finally admit it to the rest of VBS, despite the fact that they're all little sometimes too. He thinks it's embarrassing and weak, and he often tries to shove away the need to feel small, the rest of his team are working on helping him feel less ashamed of this part of him, it helps with his mental health, it's nothing he needs to beat himself up over!

-The main things that make him slip are exhaustion and stress, if things get too much it's almost like his body shuts down and simply can't handle being big anymore

-He's only told VBS about this side of himself, though Ken has figured it out, Akito still hasn't realized he knows. Him and Ena are also both at a stalemate of "you've seen me while I'm small and you seemed okay with it but I'd rather die than tell you", neither knowing the other's a regressor too.

-Toya is his main caregiver, and he and Akito are still attached at the hip when he's like this, and when Toya's small too Aki works his hardest to be strong and tough for him, he's usually littler than him after all! The Street Sekai virtual singers, aside from Rin and Len, also tend to look after him, and very rarely will An and Kohane as well.

-Somewhat of a bratty little one, though nowhere to the extent of someone like Ena. He works his hardest to insist that he's a big kid, he doesn't need to be coddled, or any baby stuff like sippy cups or pacis! Deep inside he doesn't mind these things, and he's a bit clingy in reality as well (especially with Toya or Meiko, little guy can hardly bear to be without at least one of them), but it takes a lot for him to actually admit what he wants.

-Very active little one! Let him run around and play outside and he'll be very happy, especially if someone else plays with him! He also very much enjoys drawing and coloring as well, even if he doesn't do so as much while big.

-He still absolutely loves singing, doing so often, even without realizing it. While big he's a bit ashamed of how off his singing is while he's little, but he still has fun doing it! One day while the rest of VBS was little too, they ended up putting on an "event" for the virtual singers, very much worthy of a standing ovation!

-It's very rare to see him without Tsuki, a little plush fox that Toya got him. He'll never straight up say that the stuffy makes him feel safer and comfy, that'll make him seem like a baby! Tsuki just doesn't like being alone, yeah, that's it!

-When he's sleepy or extra small, he's oddly cuddly! He will cling to Toya and not let go, and Toya's slowly working to be able to pick him up!

[pumpkinnning]

Could you tell more abour the dutch culture you mentioned?

I thought dutch were more open minded in general, I was not aware of the things you described about masculinity etc

hi anon ! sorry it took me so long to answer, i was really thinking about it for a while

short answer : we elected a far right government recently, so that's that on open mindedness

long answer :

there's several periods in history where the Dutch were more relatively tolerant than the rest of Europe. For instance from about the 16th to 18th century there was a lot less censorship due to less strict printing laws in many Dutch cities, and relatively more religious freedom, and so a lot of writers came as well as persecuted religious minorities, and this made the area, especially around Amsterdam, a hotspot for art culture science philosophy etc etc and a reputation for free thinking at a time where a lot of other countries were busy going to war over religion and burning heretics and their books.

in the 60s and 70s there was a really big and loud counterculture, anarchist, hippie etc movement who inspired a lot of people abroad, and they actually managed to get some political concessions and had a deep impact on the culture of the country, which echoed for a long time. in 2001, the first legally recognized gay marriage took place in Amsterdam and it was long considered one of the biggest safe havens for queer people. we've long had very good social welfare and labor rights compared to a lot of other countries ; i think this is still the country with the best work/life balance in the world.

so it's very much in the Dutch mindset that we consider ourselves tolerant and open minded. unfortunately i think we've been coasting on the accomplishments of the past for a very long time ; stagnating or even going back in many areas. the thing about Dutch tolerance is that it's very based on protestantism and capitalism ; it's like, God has already picked his favorites and we can't do shit about it (but if you're rich it means you've been picked!!!!) ; do what you want as long as you're not bothering me and you can work and turn (me) a profit.

this is less about love of difference and more about indifference and liberalism in the economic sense. there is a kind of small mindedness about a lot of Dutch people where they seem to only care about their little normal lives and routines. people here are obsessed with the word 'normal'. the prime minister once published a letter on an entire page of several national newspapers telling the 'asocials' of the country (in very racially coded terms) to 'be more normal' (big yikes). a lot of Dutch people are proud to be average, normal, ordinary, self-centered, and even for some, ignorant and small minded.

the biggest place where this shows up is when it comes to racism and xenophobia, which brought the current government to power. the country never fully reckoned with its history of colonialism. it's still very proud to have been the 'most powerful nation of the world' at some point - which was really about having a big navy and being able to force non western countries into commerce and acting as a vanguard for colonialism, profit based on mass exploitation and subjugation that fed the so called 'Dutch Golden Age'. today a big part of the country hides behind this reputation for tolerance to avoid looking at the problems of the past and how they still impact the present. it's a very European form of delusion ; we don't talk about racism like in the US so it doesn't exist and meanwhile we put on blackface parades and treat our minorities like garbage all the while feeling very good and self righteous about ourselves. add the Dutch 'we're just a small country uwu' thing and you get what Gloria Wekker calls 'White Innocence' (title of her great book) and it stinks.

i'm harsh because i've been really ashamed to be Dutch lately. of course like any culture it's not a monolith, it has its complexity and subcultures, lots of great people and leftists who aren't afraid to speak truth to power, movements and initiatives to reckon with the past and change this, etc. but this is a big general trend.

and yes it's relatively less sexist than lots of other European countries, but we also had centuries of patriarchy here and that doesn't just vanish ; sexism just takes on different forms depending on culture. often it's about the qualities that a society values most. in the US ideal men are the rugged tough individualistic self made men ; in France where cultural capital is key, men are seen as smart, intellectual, witty, deep and artistic where women are often seen as dumb and frivolous and trivial and lacking taste. In the Netherlands, the key values are being rational, down to earth, direct, profit-driven and unsentimental ; women are often depicted as silly and overly sentimental and inefficient. it's especially considered very manly to be a tactless inconsiderate asshole who speaks his mind without giving a shit about other people's feelings.

so in the end i think this was probably about me saying why, as a (half) Dutch woman, Max Verstappen's whole 'im just a simple down to earth normal guy who is honest and speaking his mind' and 'i'm a super efficient machine who only cares about racing' thing is not charming or cute to me (especially when that narrative is often deployed as a contrast to Lewis.) it doesn't make him a relatable autistic king or whatever ; it's very much rooted in dominant social norms, and it just makes him a very average Dutch dude with all the potential for deep shittiness that implies.

in the end of course this is my opinion and everyone is some level of problematic just for taking part in a deeply corrupt and evil sport. so like. i'm not going after anyone here. but to me this is a good illustration of how a lot of things get lost in translation when you consider everything from a very american-centric or just global internet viewpoint. and giving points to Max just for being Dutch bc that means he must be open minded and tolerant is just. not it.

[libra-stellium]

Saturn transit I tracked! Saturn trine Mars (Feb 27-Apr 18, if you have mars in Scorpio 12° like meee the dates are the same)

Descriptions from Saturn in Transit by Erin Sullivan and Planets in Transit - Robert Hand.

Saturn trine Mars

Can produce many contrary feelings with focus on issues that pertain to psychological polarities (like love vs hate)

I was having a lot of deep conversations! Also talking to myself like you can't say you want [this] but act like [that] that's not how life works! lol

Potential for burnout but only if the aspect follows a long period of unsatisfying activity

I don't think I've been burnt out during this time but I have so many heavy transits going on all I could do some days was just sit on my ass lmao like recently that mars-saturn conjunction was at 14 degrees aka my rising degree smh FUN

The form of anger of Mars-Saturn can emerge either in explosion or depression

I was pissed off some days for sure! Especially with my aunt bc I've just become so sick of listening to her talk about things she wants to get or wants to do but doing nothing about it like do something or shut up omg and my job pissed me off and this show i was watching pissed me off lol at least I wasn't depressed!

Lay the groundwork for long range goals and find that it is not only possible but enjoyable to apply ourselves diligently

I went to the doctor and he asked me to lose weight bc my blood work was on the higher end of the green and I knew this was coming lol I knew saturn return 1H was going to involve losing weight at some point! I've never truly tried before ?? I was active bc I was always dancing on a team but when I wasn't in school anymore that stopped lol so i've been trying out different recipes recently bc food and ordering out is my biggest weakness! I've cooked a lot over the last couple months and it's been nice! It's like a muscle so the more you do it the less hard it feels to get up and do it again. I also got an electional reading on 3/18 for best date to get my gym membership. Putting the pieces together fr!

Will highlight times when it is best to be cautious about expending more than our immediate energy allows

I've been fucking tired bruh! I get bursts of energy and then I have to recuperate for 3 days lol

Brings acute awareness of our range of influence and power in the world

This has been interesting because one of the attorneys I work with has been showing how much he trusts me lately and I'm like omgggg he was like "be honest does my argument here sound stupid?" lmaoo It's really easing the imposter syndrome!

Mars’s drive is tempered by Saturn in the trines allowing more productive and realistic avenues for expressing ambition and assertiveness

I noticed this in the meals I was choosing to prepare! Instead of going 0-100 like "I'm gonna stop ordering out cold turkey and I'm gonna meal prep every day" I've been finding easy recipes I like and just buying those ingredients and trying it out! The rest of the time I would make it real basic with just a rice, protein, veggie combo lol can't go wrong there!

Able to organize many small details into larger tasks

Idk why I thought this one would show up in me finishing this 3000 piece puzzle that's laid out on my floor lmao but instead it was just being able to think clearly about all the moving pieces of planning my Amsterdam trip!

Content to be patient and to work slowly

I spent 3 weeks with nothing to do at work at all and that was just sooooo boring but I wasn't nearly as antsy as I had been before when that happened.

Expectations are modest and you are willing to do whatever is necessary to achieve them

My goals this transit were just to cook more and actually use the groceries I bought. Even today I ate my last banana! I'm not ashamed to say I'm a banana buyer but I only eat one and the rest stay there to rot but this time I ate all 4!

This is not a glamorous time in your life but your actions can lead to real and lasting accomplishments

Facts omg my apt is not cute rn but I wasn't in the mood to upkeep it (aka put my clean clothes away lol) but I am cleaning up on the last couple days of this transit so it better stay clean for a while lol

[dontdodrugs-domemes]

I've been working on a book/project for a few months now and I decided in the name of the holiday spirit I would write a little christmas short story with my characters. Enjoy.

Xeadeth

One of the simple pleasures I’ve come to enjoy during my relationship with Max is curling up with a good book and a warm drink when its cold outside.

Today has been one of those days, exhausting to the bone with no end in sight. Max has been helping out at the comic shop for the past few days leading up to Christmas. She says it gets really busy this time of year. I’ve been getting endless messages from my father about war plans and next steps so, I spent most of today drawing up maps and reports.

Four o’clock rolls around and my brain is melting out of my ears. I throw my pencil down on the coffee table and scrub my hands down my face. Max should be home in an hour or so. Thank god. It’s only been 8 hours but I miss her. She makes everything make sense when everything around me feels foreign and strange.

My knees pop as I stand up. My body is finally showing the thousands of years of abuse I’ve put it through. They might be giving up on me but they at least do their job and carry me to the kitchen.

I rummage through Max’s tea stash and land on a white package with black scribbles. It’s a list of herbs. I see lavender and chamomile and figure that’s good enough. I set up the kettle and grab my mug, the faded rainbow one Max gave me when we first met. My heart swells at the memory, and I’m not the kind of guy who’s heart does that but she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. She taught me how to breathe when there’s no air, how to feel the things I was ashamed of.

The thought knocks the wind out of me, leaving me just as breathless as I was when I saw her for the first time.

While I wait for the kettle to heat up I pack a tea bag with the mystery leaves and set it in the mug. I pour the hot water and pick a book from the massive stack of books sitting by the giant floor-to-ceiling bookshelf. I take my book and my tea and plop down on the couch. I pull Max’s fuzzy grey blanket over me and take a sip. It warms me from the inside out. Being accustomed to hotter temperatures is nice in the summer time but, when it snows it feels like nothing I do can keep me warm. The earthy floral and slightly sweet taste of the tea and, the lingering smell of Max wrap me in a soft cocoon.

Finishing about half the tea I pick up the book, delving into a fictional world where casualty reports aren’t my problem.

After what feels like an hour I look up at the clock to find its only been fifteen minutes. The tea is definitely doing it’s job. My body feels looser and my chest feels less tight. Max is probably getting ready to close the store right now. I huff and dive back into my book, trying to focus.

Soon, I can’t keep my eyes focused. What ever was in the tea is working double time. I some how ended up laying down, nearly melted into the couch. The Christmas tree looks really pretty. Sparkly yellow lights, glittering silver and blue tinsel have an extra glimmer to them. The snow falling quietly outside settles a wandering tension in my bones. The fireplace kicks on and the room is bathed in warm hues of yellow and orange.

Some primordial need for a home, seated deep within my ribs, is finally soothed. Yet it still aches for something, someone. I check the clock again and groan. Max is still a way out from being home. I bury my nose in her blanket, the smell satiating a tenth of the need coursing through me.

I never used to be this clingy. Frankly, I used to hate anyone who showed an ounce of want for anything. But Max, in her adorable ways, broke down my walls and now all I do is want. I would be mad but the minute I look at her it all goes out the window.

I shift on the couch. A whimpering sound rings in the air. It takes me a minute to realize it came from me. My skin feels extra sensitive, the blanket brushing against my exposed flesh sends a chill through my body. It’s so soft and it smells like Max. I sit up and the world spins around me as I wrap the blanket over my shoulders, wanting to feel her around me.

I pick up the book again. I don’t actually get any reading done, I just stare at the page and think about Max. Her soft voice, warm skin, the way her nose twitches like a bunny when she’s thinking.

Eventually, Perry makes his way into my lap. We have a mutual agreement, I’ll leave him alone if he leaves me alone. But sometimes he curls up in my lap while I’m working or watching TV and I pet him. I dig my fingers into his soft grey fur and almost cry at the sensation.

I’m so lost in all the sensations around me I barely register the jingling of Max’s keys.

“Sorry I’m late, the bus was running later because of the snow so, Dale and Mikey gave me a ride and insisted we get food. I brought you back a burger.” She calls out.

The sound of her bag hitting the floor along with her boots is followed by her incoming foot steps. She stops in front of the seat next to me. I look up at her and she’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. A warm yellow aura surrounds her and calls me home.

“Are you alright?” her voice concerned and slightly amused.

I reach my arms out and make grabby hands at her. She steps closer to me, I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her into my lap. She lets out a squeak at the abrupt movement.

She quickly settles on my lap, resting her hands on my shoulders. I bury my face in her neck. So warm. Soft. Home. I press my cheek against her chest, needing to feel more, wanting to be closer to her.

“I love the attention, don’t get me wrong but, what’s going on with you?” She says as she runs her fingers through my hair, massaging the space between my horns.

“Missed you,” it comes out strained and thready between a suppressed moan.

“I missed you too, baby,” she presses her lips to the top of my head.

I pull her impossibly closer, pressing her body flush against mine. She cups my face in her hands and pulls me away from her neck. I whine escapes my lips at the loss of contact.

“Can you open your eyes for me?”

I didn’t even realize they were closed. I peel my eyes open, instantly met with Max’s emerald gaze. I could get lost in her eyes for years. I would spend the rest of eternity looking into her eyes if she let me.

“Your hands are cold,” I giggle.

Since when do I giggle?

“My hands are always cold,” she smiles.

They really are cold all the time, like icicles. I take her hands in mine and bring them to my mouth, blowing hot air on them.

“As long as I’m yours, I’ll always warm them up.” Little does she know, I’ll always be hers.

Max cranes her neck back, looking at the coffee table. I can’t help but drag my teeth over the strained tendon. She laughs lightly and turns back to me.

“What kind of tea did you make?” She asks.

“What ever was in that white bag.” I murmur against her hands.

She laughs, loud and bubbly from her chest.

“Oh my sweet, pretty boy. There was mushrooms in that.”

“Mushrooms?” I repeat confused.

“Magic mushrooms.”My jaw drops as her words hit me like a train.

“You mean, I’m-”

“High? Yeah, and by the looks of it you seem to be having a pretty good time.”

I can’t stop the giggles that bubble up from my stomach. The never ending glow of her wraps around me, encasing me in everything Max. Her laugh bounces off the walls and into my bones. This is home. Here with Max in my arms laughing at nothing and everything.

“Is that why everything feels so…more?” I ask, trying to catch my breath.

“Yeah, that’s one way of putting it.”

After the laughter dies down, we sit in each other’s presence. Her arms wrapped around my shoulders, hands carding through my hair. I pull her closer, returning my face to its spot in the crook of her neck.

We stay like this for a while until Max speaks up.

“How are you feeling?” her voice hushed.

That’s always been a loaded question for me. Up until recently, I’ve never thought twice about what I feel. I never had time for feelings when my soldiers depended on me. Now that I have Max, I have the space to feel whatever I need.

Everything feels overwhelmingly intense, all my senses are heightened, time is moving too fast yet not at all. I don’t have the words for what I’m feeling right now.

“Warm. Safe.” These ones will have to suffice for now.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: I have zero experience with mushrooms, this is all taken from what people have told me its like.

[unfilteredgrounds]

Beauty in Madness

There is something to be said about the period of coming out of a mental breakdown. I'd liken it to weathering a particularly horrible storm-- you're not sure if you're going to make it through the roiling black clouds, pelting rain and hail, and high winds, and almost want to curse nature itself for making things this way, and then, you emerge from your hideyhole, shocked at how serene the landscape has become.

I used to be embarrassed when I broke down. Due to my upbringing, I'm sure, I saw it as a shameful thing, to sink so deep into your own misery that you scared yourself. But that's not very constructive, is it? I had the most wonderful trip with my partner, and though it was unfortunately brought about by how worried he was for me, it ended up (in my opinion) bringing us far closer together than we'd previously been.

I wrote a letter to myself upon my return, where I bared my truest feelings, those of which I've been too ashamed to really talk about.

I present as someone who is so conscious of others' feelings, someone who is kind, but there is calculation in that kindness. I don't actually trust people, in fact I find it nearly impossible to. To the point where I will actively put myself down instead to get reassurance instead of just asking for it from people.

I have no idea how to articulate what I need. Maybe this is because that part of me was hushed so much as a child that it's just gone silent completely, but it's crazy how I'd rather call myself stupid and needy than ask someone to spend some time with me, or shoot me a text more often. It's calculated in an accidental way. I am fully aware that I am making less of myself, however, it keeps me safe, because I'll not be surprised if the person I'm interacting with leaves me. I can't be betrayed if I set myself up for disappointment, and even though that makes so much sense, it's so... sad.

I don't think I've ever fully sat and come to terms with the fact that, by nature, I'm actually a very lonely person. I like being alone, don't get me wrong, but independence and loneliness are two separate, but crossing, paths. I've done so much work to isolate myself from potential threats that I've completely shaved my personality down to an insecure husk, all because I'm terrified of being mocked and shunned again. Independence is all fun and games until it's not your choice. Kinda mind-fucky, right?

And, my womanhood brings a whole other layer onto the mess. I want to be a strong, independent woman that other people look up to, but the idea of what that actually looks like has been so warped in my head that this insecure husk is my girl boss. Keeping everyone at arm's length keeps me on top. And that's not healthy.

Let's make a list.

The parts of me that I've hidden away:

-Hopeless romantic. I love love, I love showing affection.

-Wanderlust. I am an airhead, in the nicest way possible. I like to daydream, I like to play in the rain, I like soft textures and small bells and windchimes and wandering around outside, not doing much else.

-Philosopher. I have so many thoughts about so many things, but have hushed myself up for fear that I sound stupid.

-Advocate. I hate it when others are mistreated, and that needs to start being directed at myself, too.

I don't know whether it's the ever-looming autism diagnosis that is evasive as it is elating? Daunting? But I've realized just how much of a mask I have formed over the years, just how much I've added layers and layers onto myself in the name of protection, while in reality, I've been screaming, locked away inside this horrible trap with no one to help. Just as intended.

Recently, I've been trying to live more fully. Not by journaling (you'll have noticed the absence on that front), or any of the other crap the influencers say works wonders (for the content, maybe, but are you really happy?). I've gone off most of my social media. I do my best not to look at Instagram, or Twitter. I only contact people through text, and I've been vocal about others reaching out to me for once. Maybe it's a bit harsh, but dammit, I think I deserve to hash out a little bit of harshness myself. And yeah, it is a wake-up call. I'm not some fun, shiny thing that can be tucked away in a corner until someone decides they need my specific flavor. You want to be in my life? You have to be in it. And it's been working. My friends have gotten more involved, or at least they're trying to be. And that feels good.

As much as I revolt against the idea, it feels good, asking for things. It's nice, getting to voice my wants and needs, and hope that they're answered (most of the time, they have been). The other day, I got it in my head that I'd take a bath, put on some ambient music (think spa) and just focus on my breathing and how my body felt in the water. Emerging, I felt more relaxed than I think I've felt in years. It's amazing what a little care can do for you.

It's not frivolous, it's not bitchy, and if people think that, who cares??? They're not worth my time. The people that are will show it.

As long as I do my best to be kind, to be responsible, to put out goodness into the world (keep in mind I said "do my best," no absolutes), I think that will come back to me. I know this to be true. And, if I extend the trust to myself to trust in others, the bad times may not be as bad. Or at least, I won't be alone.

[crisis-on-infinite-batblogs]

"I want him to know it was me."

I've got feelings about Jason and Bruce's relationship, so let's talk about it. As always, I'm mixing up my own continuity cocktail of pre-crisis and post-crisis and adding just a little splash of headcanon for color.

The year is 1984. The comic is Batman #368

We all know this issue as the debut of Jason Todd as Robin. More accurately, it's his first appearance as an official Batman-sanctioned Robin. (See #366 when Jason steals Dick's uniform and flies to Guatemala).

Anyway, this issue starts with the first and (to my knowledge) the last voluntary and consensual passing of the Robin mantle. Isn't that fun?

Jason is ecstatic and goes to change into his newly bequeathed colors while Bruce and Dick exchange misty-eyed nods. There's fatherly hands on shoulders and lumps in their throats and it's all very sweet.

Dick shares with Bruce a hearty handshake before leaving the cave. Over his shoulder he calls out one final farewell: "So long, Robin. Be great." And when Dick's footsteps finally fade into the shadows:

Jason shares his worries about not receiving any credit for his acts. He knows that this is selfish, and he admits to being ashamed that he even said it. He's being incredibly honest and vulnerable with Bruce, which is something I feel we don't get to see often enough.

Bruce gives an obligatory speech about how Jason will be serving justice and saving lives. He says that with this job, there is no room for a big ego. But he also says "No need to be so hard on yourself, Jay."

And in a shocking twist, Good Parent Bruce Wayne is equally honest and vulnerable and shares this little anecdote with his son:

Bruce lays a gloved hand on the new Robin's narrow shoulders, and tells him in earnest that it gets easier. He says that with every innocent life saved, that need for recognition feels less urgent. With every look of relief and gratitude on the faces of would-be victims, the glory seems less important.

(and stepping into headcanon land:)

Jason takes a deep breath, and puts on a smile. "I know you're probably right, Batman... about it getting easier?"

His smile sinks into something closer to a grimace. "And I want to believe all that stuff you said about seeing the gratitude on people's faces, and--"

Jason's bitter laugh comes out as a huff. He looks down at his hands which fidget nervously in their brand new green gloves. When he continues, his voice is little more than a whisper.

"I want to help people... I-I want to be great, just like Dick said." Trying and failing to meet Bruce's gaze, Jason throws his eyes up to search the vaulted shadows of the cave. "It just sucks that no one will know it's really me."

Bruce is reminded, not the last time, that Jason is not Dick. The same lectures he gave the first Robin won't work half so well this time around. Jason's situation is fundamentally different. The kid is stepping into a pair of well worn shoes that won't be easy to fill. Bruce sighs, and pulls his son into a hug.

"You're beginning with a rich legacy behind you, Jason, and no one can ever know who's behind that mask." He rests his chin on top of the lad's head, and squeezes as if he could draw out every last bit of self-doubt. "... but I'll always know it's really you... and I will be so proud."

(and stepping back into canon:)

Seven-odd years have passed, and a countless number of odd things have happened. Jason was gone. He was dead... but then he comes back.

He comes back to loneliness, and hunger, and so much pain. He comes back to a world that he does not recognize, and he comes back to a Batman who is so different from the one he left behind.

Talia has been warned of the so-called "Pit Madness". Her father has told her of the rage and darkness that now live in young Jason's heart. He has told her that she's unleashed a pestilence upon the earth.

But her father is wrong. It is not rage that burns in Jason's heart, but a cold and calculated revenge.

One week later, and all the pieces are in place: Batman is six blocks away, staking out a bunch of Penguin's men, waiting on a weapons seller who will never show. This gives Jason just enough time to plant the bomb on the Batmobile. A combination of Lead Azide and RDX placed six inches behind the back left tire. As close as he can get to the fuel line. And then, all there is to do is wait until the bastard arrives.

Jason watches as the Bat makes his approach. He glares through the slatted window with his thumb hovering just above the button. He waits for his moment.

Batman walks wearily toward the car. Towards safety. Towards home. He doesn't yet sense any danger. He doesn't yet see Death lurking before him. He opens the door.

You made this happen. Jason thinks, his thumb pressing every so sightly upon the trigger.

You.

And then it happens. Batman enters the vehicle and the time has come.... but Jason can't do.

He did everything right. He planned it all with expert precision. He crossed every 't', and meticulously dotted each and every 'i', but when the moment of his glory is upon him, Jason realizes that it isn't what he wants.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It's not what you think," he says to Talia.

"I'm gonna kill him," Jason says, "but he's gonna look me in the eye when he goes."

A cold wind screams across his face, brushing his dark hair into even darker eyes.

"When I take him from this world, I want him to know it was me."

[olderthannetfic]

i've made alternate accounts and never, ever tell anyone about the kinky smutty fanfiction I write, but I can't shake off feeling ashamed. i feel so ashamed after im done writing smut and post it and the comments come in. i feel so ashamed i enjoy taboo things. i feel so ashamed and i hate it so much.

no one knows what i do, yet i still feel icky and gross on the inside even though i know im not doing anything wrong. it's so frustrating because i want to write in peace, but even my own mind is stopping me. does this feeling ever go away? can i like incest and rape fics and writing them without feeling this deep, internal fear that someone will look at me and know what i write? im so tired of feeling scared.

recently a friend of mind berated me for retweeting a tweet by someone who likes my hero academia nsfw art on twitter. and it was so scary. because this person was someone i thought i could trust but they turned so quickly. i even had a stress dream about it last night where i sent something nsfw to a group chat on accident and everyone turned on me.

im currently taking a hiatus from all my fan accounts abruptly and no one knows why, but it's because im so scared of being harassed. idk what im going to do.

i wish we lived in a world where i didnt have to live with this fear.

--

I was never particularly ashamed, even as a young person, so IDK if I can give super specific advice that will actually work.

The potential danger from your unreliable friend is a separate issue. You may need to find different friends or to talk to these ones about how you felt unsafe. It's hard to gauge without knowing them, how long you've been friends, etc.

The feelings themselves though... Think of those more as a therapy thing. If you don't have access to a good therapist, you can still address them as this type of problem: work on stopping spiraling thoughts, talk yourself up rather than down, work on self confidence.

Maybe watching/reading interviews with creators of contentious art would help. Seeing them talk about how sex/dark stuff/etc. are vital to art could make that seem more legitimate to you.

But overall, I think a lot of this is a self confidence and self worth thing. The more you feel like you have a right to an opinion and to take up space, the less you'll anxiously obsess over whether thing X you like or do is bad.

[moondustinfj]

Marauders - Enneagram

Remus Lupin: 9

"Still, I check my vital signs/ Choked up, I realize/ I have been less than half myself, for more than half my life

It looks like emphaty, to understand all the sides/ But I'm just trying to find myself, through someone else's eyes

Wake up, roll up your sleeves/ There is a chain reaction in your heart/ Muscle memory/ Remembering who you are

We were born to try/ To see each other through/ To know and love ourselves and others well/ Is the most difficult and meaningful work we'll ever do"

Sirius Black: 8

"I remember the minute/It was like a switch was flipped/ I was just a kid who grew up strong enough/ To pick this armor up/ And suddenly it fit

God that was so long ago, long ago, long ago/ I was little, I was weak, I was perfectly naive/ And I grew up too quick

When I see fragile things, helpless things, broken things/ I see the familiar/ I was little, I was weak, I was perfect too/ Now I'm a broken mirror

Here I am, pry me open/ What do you want to know/ I'm just a kid who grew up scared enough/ To hold the door shut and bury my innocence/ But here's a map, here's a shovel/ Here's my Achilles' heel"

Regulus Black: 3

"Maybe I've done enough/ Your golden child grew up/ Maybe this trophy isn't real love/ And with or without it I'm good enough

I finally see myself/ Unabridged and overwhelmed/ A mess of a story I'm ashamed to tell/ I'm slowly learning how to break this spell

I only want what's real/ Set aside the highlight reel/ And leave my greatest failures on display/ Worthy of love, anyway "

James Potter: 7

" How nice it'd be/ If we could try everything/ I'm serious, let's make a list and just began/ What about danger/ So what/ What about risk/ Let's climb this mountain before we cross that bridge

How wonderful to see a smile on your face/ It costs farewell tears for a welcome home parade/ A secret handshake between me and my one life/ I'll find the silver lining no matter what the cost

But I want to be here/ Truly be here/ To watch the ones I love bloom/ And I want to make room/ To love them through and through and through and through/ The slow and barren seasons too

I feel hope/ Deep in my bones/ Tomorrow will be beautiful "

Lily Evans: 2

"Sweetheart, you look a little tired/ When did you last eat/ Come in and make yourself right at home/ Stay as long as you need/ Tell me, is something wrong/ If something's wrong, you can count on me

I know exactly how the rule goes/ Put my mask on first/ No I don't want to talk about myself/ Tell me where it hurts/ I just want to build you up, build you up/ Till you're good as new/ And maybe one day I will get around to fixing myself too

Like a force to be reckoned with/ A mighty ocean or a gentle kiss/ I will love you with every single thing that I have/ Like a tidal wave I'll make a mess/ Or calm waters if that serves you best/ I will love you without any strings attached/ I will love you without a single string attached"

Peter Pettigrew: 6

" Oh God I'm so tired/ Of being afraid

I want to take shelter/ But I'm ready, ready to fight/ Somewhere in the middle, I feel a little paralyzed/ Maybe I'm stronger than i realize

And no matter what/ Somehow we'll be okay

Don't be afraid"

Sleeping at last - Enneagram

[hoodieofholland]

Prove you something // Mob!Tom Smut

Summary: you get jealous over a meeting Tom have with another woman without your knowledge, and he has to prove you something.

Pairing: mob!tom x reader

Word count: ~4.5K

Warnings: smut (18+), fingering (f.), oral (f.), language.

A/n: I’m a sucker for mob!Tom, judge me, but these last contents we’ve been receiving for the past month are the blame. here we go again, enjoy.

Masterlist

****************************************************

As a mob, Tom had to deal with a lot of different people throughout his busy day. You were used to the meetings all the time, even when it was past afternoon, hiting the midnight. Patiently, you'd wait your turn to share some good time with your boyfriend, unless he wanted you to stay for the day, besides him, in the conference room.

Today was slightly different. Tom was held for hours in the conference room, talking business, while you distracted yourself with some other work. But by the time it was around 7p.m., you were bored enough to walk up the place, wanting to know when he'd be over.

Wearing your favorite pyjamas, you walked through the silent house, and just as approaching the conference room, you heard an unusual type of voice.

"Listen, Tom, I'm not here to discuss the shitty situation..."

It got your attention, made you stop in your tracks to hear better, all because it was a female voice. Normally, Tom would always meet with men, them being the mob leaders around London. Not a woman.

You tried to sneak around and see if there were another voice in the room, but as soon as you put your ear to the door's thick wood, Harrison came up behind your figure, making you jump.

"Holy shit!" You screamed in whispers. "Jesus, Harrison, you scared the hell out of me!"

Harrison didn't make any effort to cover his laughter, making you shush him.

"Sneaking around, uh?" He teased through laughters. "You know what Tom says about listening behind closed doors. Someday it might come back to you".

Trying to contain your madness, you cross your arms around your chest and snort. "It's meant for you guys, you idiot. He's not talking about his girlfriend".

"Are you really sure?", still holding his teasing smile, he tilts his head a little. Eyeing the door again, he pouted. "Why didn't he invite you tonight, then?"

"Said it was some small business and wouldn't take that long". You shrugged, though you knew it was bullshit. Tom had already been inside that fucking room for what seemed forever. It wasn't any small business talk, for what it matters.

"I can tell you that there's not small talking inside there" he pointed his chin in the room's direction. "Melissa is right there".

A little confused, but still not wanting to give your feelings away, you stay cool with your voice. "Who is Melissa?"

Harrison’s eyes narrowed and you can tell he had no idea you didn’t know about a single thing that was going on inside there.

“Melissa. The majoriest woman in this whole fucking city. She’s, like, the only female mobster leader in England”. The emphasis in his voice made you feel the message he wanted to deliver. You felt even somewhat a little weak, as if the weight of the presence of that woman could be sensed in your lungs.

Harrison quirked a brow, waiting for your answer, but you didn’t say nothing. Why was Tom lying to you? Why he didn’t want you to know that this woman was right inside the room with him?

“Is he alone there?” You questioned Haz, who shakes his head negatively.

“No, I was there a couple of minutes ago. Just grabbing a cup of tea”. He lifted the mug on his hand. “There’s also her guard or something. The chick is a bit... ugh”

You felt the weight again. “What the fuck does ugh means?!”

Harrison was about to explain, but seeing your exasperated reaction, he just smiled teasingly again. “I think someone is jealous”.

You puffed your cheeks out in frustration, wanting to tug on your hair, or maybe on Harrison’s.

“You’re being ridiculous” you tried your best to sound neutral about the fact that your boyfriend was inside a not very large room with a woman you didn’t know nothing about, but it was getting harder as Harrison seemed like having some fun torturing you.

“Don’t worry, y/n, that’s not what I meant” he chuckled softly and gave you a apologetic smile. “It’s just business, that’s all. You know Tom is far from being suspicious”.

You knew that very well, and if you were being honest, that was not your concern. That didn’t make you less jealous, though. Tom was the most faithful man you knew, not only with you, but with his mates. He could do anything for you and he surely had already proved that you’re the only woman in his life.

Anyways, the thought of that powerful woman inside the fucking room was driving you mad.

“I wanna go inside”, you stated, already turning on your heels. Harrison was quick to grab your wrist, trying to stop you from entering the room.

“Y/n, what the fuck, he doesn’t want to-“

But you were too fast. Yanking the door open, you hear a slight gasp coming from Harrison and the entire room goes silent.

The first thing you notice is Tom, who were crudely interrupted by you. He looked tense with the conversation, eyes heavy, shoulders rigid. His elbow was supported by the large desk in front of his chair, while he seemed to gesticulate with his hand whilst talking to the woman, Melissa. His gaze was directed on you, a questioning look on his features, which didn’t softened like it always did when he talked to you.

“Sorry, I told her-“ Harrison was quick to say, but Tom interrupted him.

“What took you so long?” Ignoring your presence, without changing a single word with you, Tom averted his eyes to Harrison, who came out behind you and sat back at his chair.

“She wanted to come” he answered quietly, unsure of what to say.

Tom looked at you once more, face serious, as he seemed to calculate what say next.

“Why don’t you go wait in the living room, y/n?”

You open your mouth, just to close it again immediately. You didn’t recognize the way Tom was talking to you, almost harshly.

"What, Thomas? You don't enjoy a good woman's company? C'mon, let the girl sit with us" Melissa, who you just had the worry to look at said, putting her long polished nails over her chin. She eyed you up and down before speaking again. "What a beautiful girl you have, by the way. You didn't tell me she was all of that".

Tom closed his eyes briefly, jaw clenching, as he sighed heavily in frustration. You knew he was getting mad, and though you still didn't know why, you made up your mind.

"I'm fine, gonna wait in the room. Sorry for-"

"It's alright", he shook his head and looked back to Melissa. "It was good talking to you, but I need time to figure it out before we decide anything", Tom stood up from his chair and waited until the woman did the same. "I'm going to have a talk with my men and then I call you back".

Melissa smiled, but you could see very clearly that it was nothing but a false smile. "I'll keep in touch".

Tom just nodded once and waited for Melissa to walk out of the room, guided by Harrison, who was equally tense as he made his way to the door. Before she exited the room, Melissa had an eye on you again, a tiny smile making its presence on her face.

You shivered, too aware of the dangerous and power Harrison told you she held, clear in the way she wasn't afraid to show she was staring at you.

When the doors were closed, you couldn't lift your gaze from the floor. However, it was possible to see Tom by the corner of your eyes and the way he was supporting both of his hands on the desk, staring so intently at you that you bet he could see your goosebumps.

"Now that you have my attention", he started, voice deep. "Won't you say what was so important that you couldn't wait 'til I was over?"

You didn't say anything, neither looked at him, frozen on your spot.

"I'm talking to you".

His stern act had you conflicted. He would always use it in bed with you, but never got so mad at something that you did. Something that you didn't even know what was all about.

"You were taking too long, so I wanted to see if everything was alright", you answered, keeping your voice loud and clear enough, not wanting to give him the impression that you were intimidated by his words.

Tom snorted. "That's bullshit. I've already been out until later than this and you stayed in our room".

You roll your eyes, voice cheating you as the irritation consumes your thoughts. "Well, in these nights you weren't with a girl inside here".

Tom's face changed and a brow arched as a trace of a smirk made its way to his face. You had lost your though posture and you knew it.

"Are you jealous?" He chuckles, incredulous, "Really?"

You snort, unfolding your arms. Looking relaxed is the last thing you seem to be able to do right now, but also you didn't want to sound so immature being jealous over nothing.

"No, I am not. I'm just mad that... that you didn't tell me who you were meeting with." You corrected him, though you were too aware it was pretty much a lie. With an unwanted whine, you continue "And why you didn't let me in this time? You see, you just left a whole amount of suspicious things to my imagination."

Tom narrows his eyes, a mix of curiosity and confusion evident on his face.

"You don't actually believe it yourself, do you?" He questioned, a suspicious tone in his voice. A bit ashamed, you glanced down and nodded two times.

"I mean, Harrison just told me she's the biggest woman in London, or some shit like that" you shrugged involuntarily and felt tired, as you started to realise how silly you must be sounding.

It was pretty obvious to you that none of that should matter. Actually, it never did. Tom never turned his head to another woman but you, since you met. He never talked about any other girl than you, and you could tell he bragged about how much of a "lucky motherfucker" he was, as Harrison started complaining about Tom's random rambling just the other day.

Tom had done nothing but adored you since the first time he called you darling. And now you were overreacting because of a common meeting of his.

Tom sighed heavily and offered you his hand. Looking at it for one second, you reach for him, and he brings you closer. "That's probably my fault".

You tilt your head, not understanding his point. Tom sits down back on his chair e mention for you to take a seat on his thigh.

"Don't get me wrong, darling. I let you come to meetings only if I'm one hundred percent sure there's no harm on that. When I'm with friends, not my enemies" he caress two slender fingers through your cheek and you almost close your eyes in please, if it wasn't for his deep stare, full of concern and comprehension. "That woman is nothing but trouble for me and my men. She doesn't like us, I don't like her, but, apparently, one of my man messed up with one of her best one, so I was trying to settle everything down before one of us start a fucking fight about it. Obviously, she hates me and every single one of my mates, and that's why I didn't want you here today. My most important job is to keep you safe, y/n. I've already dragged you too far into this mess, I can't expose you even more."

By the look in his eyes, anyone could tell how Tom meant it. He worried about you and your protection had become a topic of discussions too much for your liking.

He shifts his position, making it more comfortable for you, hand resting in your cheek. His expression earned an even more stern look, almost in pain as he looked deeper in your eyes.

"Do you really think that you should worry about Melissa?" He asks, voice low and soft.

You didn't answer right away. Instead, you tugged at his white plain shirt's collar, breathing slowly as you tried to manifest more of your composure than before.

"A little" you confess, shrugging slightly as if it wasn't that big of a deal. But for Tom, it surely was.

"Darling... why would you be jealous over that woman?" The pad of his index finger touched in the slightest move your bottom lip, tracing delicate paths over it. "Why would you ever be jealous over any woman? You know I love you". He looked up once again, a brow arching as he seemed to doubt his own conviction. "Don't you know?"

You shake your head yes and bite your lip. "Of course I do".

"Then why did you have something in your imagination?"

You sigh quietly. "Yeah, it was silly", taking his free hand and in yours, you play with his fingers, trying to hide your embarrassment. "I'm sorry-"

"It's alright, love", he gives you a small yet sweet smile. "You see, I get jealous all the time. Much more than you do. Think it's fair enough".

You giggle. "Yes, you do. I hate that and did the same. Sorry".

Tom shakes his head and brings his face closer to yours, planting a soft kiss in the corner of your mouth. "What a silly little girl you are. How would you ever think I'd ever have eyes for another girl, when I've got the prettiest with me?"

You release a breathe, your grip at Tom's shirt stronger, pulling him closer. "You'd be really dumb if you did, yeah."

Tom smiles in your mouth and you do as well. "Guess I haven't been showing my girl how much I appreciate her properly lately" he whispers, heading his lips along your jaw, to chase a soft spot on your neck. "Tell me, love, would you like to feel it?" His low and seductive words sent a shiver right through your spine, making you release a quiet moan in anticipation.

"Do you want to feel how much I adore you?" He breaths in your neck, smelling your sweet scent, as carefully grabs your thighs to get you to straddle his lap. "How much I adore your pretty little moans and whines? Those wonderful sounds you make just for me?"

You nod yes, adjusting your position on Tom's lap, rubbing against his crotch on accident and feeling he grunt with the contact.

"Use your words, my love. Need to hear you". He insists, running both his hands to your ass, grabbing each cheek firmly. When you whine a timid 'yes', he smirks against your smooth skin. "Always so eager for me", with precise movements, he guides your hips to meet his, creating a perfect friction between both of you. You could feel his hard against your pulsing center, claiming for more.

Tom lets out a struggled sigh, as if he was holding himself back when feeling your center pressing against him. "See? Only you can make me this hard".

You gulp, trying to catch your breath as your hands make its way to his trousers, but Tom is quick to deny it and stop you. "No, pretty girl. As much as I'm aching to feel you right now, I need to prove you something" he smirks playfully. His right hand releases your bum and goes to your front, making a smooth path in his way to your breast. He put your hard nipples between two fingers, pulling it softly. You moan and move your hips over his lap. Tom's jaw tenses up. "Fuck, darling". He presses his hand firmly on your hip to settle you down, as you smile apologetic.

"Need you, Tom". You whine, arching your back so you were even closer to him.

"Yeah?" He smirks, hand going back to work, sliding inside your pyjamas' short. Tom's brows arch in surprise. "No panties?"

You bite your lip. "When I came down here, I was thinking that maybe we could do something. After you were done".

He chuckled a bit, his cocky smile showing off. "So you were planning on getting fucked in my office?" You only nod once, feeling your center pulse and your cheek heat up. "You dirty, dirty girl".

Tom reaches your pulsing core, a single digit sliding through your wet folds. "God, baby, you're so wet". You moan, letting your weight loose on top of Tom, whose strong arms could handle it. "I barely touched you".

"Stop teasing me, Tom" you claim, eyes closed, as you feel he was threatening to enter two fingers inside you, but collecting them all together again.

"Darling, I think you shouldn't have a word about anything today" he says calmly. "After all, you interrupted my meeting, messed my work up. All because you couldn't wait to get fucked. Do you think you were good, y/n?"

You swallow hard, voice trembling. "N-no".

Tom smiles satisfied. "Yes. Now, though you don't deserve any of that, I'm a man of my word, and I said I was going to show you what my girl is worth of". He gesticulates briefly and you have to take a few seconds to understand he wants you to get up.

You do so, waiting until he gets up too. Confused, you stare at him, who cups your face, kissing the tip of your nose.

"I want you to sit in my chair". He murmurs and you can't help the surprise in your face.

"Why's that?" You frown and he only gestures his head to the chair again. With no other choice, you find yourself doing as you were told.

It was a strange feeling, the soft material of his chair against the bare skin of your exposed leg, where your thin shorts couldn't reach. Strange, because nobody would ever sit on Tom's chair. It wasn't exactly a rule, but everyone did better than risking taking what was his, and that being the biggest and most imposing chair in the conference room, only he could sit there. And maybe that's what entertained him that moment, the sight of you in a place that held so much power as that chair.

It took a good few seconds for you to relax there, and Tom didn't take his eyes from you the whole time. Staring, he would lick his lips, arms crossed over his chest, making his muscular arms very visible for you.

"You know, you could do this. I can picture you sitting here, making demands", he says, as if he was deep in thoughts moments ago, approaching you with hungry eyes. He puts his hands over the chairs' arm rest and lean in you, smiling.

You feel your heart race and try to correct your breathing. "Really?" You arch a brow incredulously. "Don't think I could be so tough".

"You learn this with time, darling", he reassures you, "But I think we'd have to manage who'd be in charge from time to time. I can share it with you, but not give it all. Would you like that?" You knew that by this time he wasn't talking about the mob.

With a charming smile, Tom gets down on both knees and puts his hands in yours. "Yeah, I think", you say in a whisper, too concentrated in his actions to say otherwise or anything else.

"Mmm. You're such a delicate angel", he opens your legs slowly, grabbing the back of your knee to pull you in to him. You gasp in surprise, holding the arm rest to keep yourself steady. "I imagine how you'd look like taking control. Perfect, I know".

It was a sight to see, a powerful man like Tom on his knees, a position you never thought you'd see him at. He looked like he was at your mercy, under your control, just as if he was there to please you, though he still did take the command.

"Tom, please", you whine, not giving a care about sounding desperate anymore.

"Patient, my love. Wanna take my sweet time with you", he pats your leg so you can lift your hips to help him take off your shorts. "Cause that's what I appreciate doing with you. Take every single part of you, make you mine. Slowly". He brings you closer and you pant when he kisses the inner of your thigh, eyes never leaving yours. "Take care of my girl, as she deserves".

You feel yourself growing anxious as you tried to stay still when he brought his lips up to your core. "You smell so good, love. Can't wait to taste it". His lips make no hurry to reach your folds, hot breath hitting your aching center. He looks up at you, wicked smile, as his mouth hover you, teasing.

By this time, you’re already dripping, walls clenching around nothing for the expectation. Finally, you felt Tom's lips connecting with your pussy lips, skillful tongue smoothly licking your arousal, spreading it all over your core.

He put his tongue inside of you, tasting it, adoring the way you'd roll your eyes back with pleasure. "Sweet as fucking candy". He murmurs with his mouth against you, causing vibrations all over your cunt.

You moan when he flicks his tongue over your bud, and tug at his hair. The reaction comes right away and Tom moans against you, putting one of his fingers inside you, but not deep enough, waiting for you to adjust as your walls stretched deliciously. "Can feel you swallowing my finger, baby. You want me?”

"Tom", you whine, arching your back as Tom pushes his fingers deeper inside you. "Please. Gimme more".

"You want more, sweet girl?" Tom smirks, entering you as much as he could, adding a second finger to your pulsing core. You felt the cold of his silver ring against your hot skin, causing you to have goosebumps. Feeling you clench around him, Tom started fingering you, hands precisely moving to stuff you in the most raving way. He took his pace, fast enough to the sound of your wetness fill up the room.

He laps your bud once again, repeatedly, catching it between his lips once in a while and sucking, making you release a loud moan.

You tugged harder in his curls and that's when he realized you were close. "My beautiful girl is close? Can feel you clenching, baby."

You nod once, trying to catch your breath as your hips rock against his fingers. Tom took them out and you almost pulled his hair for that, but he soon replaced it with his firm tongue. "C'mon, darling, fuck yourself on my tongue".

You did so, not caring about your messed movements or your loud noises. Tom was right there, holding you hip down with one hand to keep you steady and stimulating your clit with his thumb with another. It was the most beautiful sight you could have and you were on the verge of your edge.

"You're- fuck, so fucking hot, Tom" you cry out, head falling back. "Shit! 'M close"

Tom started to fuck his tongue inside you again. Your toes curl, your belly burns and your heart couldn't beat faster. Tom grabbed the back of your legs and abruptly brought you closer to his face, keeping his tongue firm and thumb working on your bud. He replaced it with his two wet fingers for a moment, just to speak to you and coax your orgasm. “Look at you, baby, so, so beautiful when you’re coming. Fuck, wish they all could see what a pretty and dirty girl I’ve got right here, angel”.

You moan and Tom can tell you’re about to lose it, putting his tongue back to work. "That's it, love, cum on my tongue, make a sweet mess on my face".

You couldn't hold back anymore. Your whole body felt like sparkles, as you tightened your grip on Tom's hair, chest panting, muscles rigid, voice coming out as the loudest moan of your night. It’s all about you now, what you feel. Tom is right there, holding you, controlling your body squirming with his strong hands.

Tom helps you ride out your orgasm, tongue and fingers never leaving you. His noise bumped into your clit as he seemed to enjoy licking your juices, face still lost between your legs. But when you finally saw him again, you thought you could have another orgasm just from the look on his face.

"Fuck", you pant, still trying to catch your breath. "You're- you're all covered-"

Before you could even finish, Tom got up from his knees and took your face in between his hands, capturing your lips on his. The kiss was messy, clashing tongues and teeth, but it was all pleasure. You could taste yourself, take what Tom had left on his lips. It was sweet - a mix of both of you.

"You're a fucking mess right now" you tell him, a slight giggle coming out of your dry throat, wiping some of the wetness from his chin.

"I know", he smiles back at you, pecking your lips once more. He catches the fingers you used to clean his face and leads it to him mouth, sucking on them gently. "Proudly. Who else in this fucking world can have the pleasure of being a mess with your cum, eh?"

You shove his shoulders playfully and spin the chair. "Well, I think I could truly run things here. Feel very powerful now".

Tom puts his hand on the back of the chair to stop it from moving. "That's because you had me between your legs just a few seconds ago, love", he smirks "But I think we can manage that".

You get up from the chair and put your hands on the collar of his shirt, gripping it between your fingers. "Good", you look up at him, smiling devilishly. "First thing, though, I remember you were here to prove me something".

"Oh, darling" he chuckled darkly. "We surely are not finished yet".

[jerrylevitch]

Hi there, I'm just discovering M&L and it's amazing. I love your blog so much. I saw a post a while ago saying that Jerry might have been biromantic, and for me as an asexual and biromantic person, this is very exciting and fascinating. Obviously I know some reasons we may think that, but I wonder if you could make a list of why Jerry might be biromantic? Like an evidence post. :) Any chance Dean may have been biromantic? I'm less sure about him, but he seemed to love Jerry just as much. Thanks!

I will say that the examples of Jerry being bi-romantic are solely based on his feelings for Dean. I mean he did mention men being good looking or kissed other men publicly, but part of that he put in a joking manner, or in the realm of his wild behavior, or just because he loved his male friends. He kissed his sons, and whatever people he loved or liked. He was just a very affectionate type of guy. However his feelings for Dean both physically and verbally in that he was always letting people know that he was in love with Dean, and mentioning the terms "love affair" and "marriage" made people privately and publicly (scandal magazines) question if their relationship wasn't "latent homosexuality" or "offbeat" (both of those being direct terms used in the articles, the latter being obviously code for gay). Jerry wasn't afraid to let people know how he felt, but of course he never labeled himself as bi-romantic. Did he have sexual feelings for Dean and other men? We will never know. Some people seem to forget that people can be attracted to people and be in love with them, but sex never enters their mind. I've personally experienced this. I've been accused by a certain fan on tumblr, for saying that Jerry likely never acted on his feelings for Dean if there were any sexual feelings. I just see Dean as probably not open to sexual experiences with men, because of his upbringing. The evidence just isn't there, besides speculation and those shower photos which we don't know why those pictures were taken for a magazine publication. Speculate is all we can do. He admitted that he loved Jerry, and his relationship with Mack Gray does seem intimate. Dean was really affected by his loss when he died, and Mack went everywhere with Dean. He even chose his songs. Mack Gray is just a mysterious figure, and perhaps it was just a friendship, or perhaps it was romantic/sexual. We just don't know. But here is all the evidence of bi-romantic feelings at the very least.

Examples of Jerry loving Dean:

"What we had was two people that were in love with what we did for one another on the stage. The fact that I loved him that much off the stage, and as he did with me, was the foundation of everything we did."

“I miss Dean. I fell in love with him the day we met. I wish he were here. He was a miracle that God put in my life, and working with him was a feeling I’ll never ever forget.” - Jerry Lewis

"But I care for him. I loved him then, I love him now. He loved me then, I think he loves me now. And there’s nothing to be ashamed of. God didn’t say that love must be projected here. Just at my child? No, I love my wife. I love my friends. And I love my partner."

"We’re so close that our minds think like one mind. It’s like telepathy. There’s a very deep and profound love between Dean and me and our act is only good because of this feeling of closeness.”

“The truth is simply we loved one another. If Dean feels this day as I feel about him then we still love one another. We just didn’t like working together anymore. I don’t think that that changes—I don’t think that love is on a dial or a panel that you can turn on or off. I think when you love, you love forever…"

“It was a wonderful period for us … and we were at the height of young abandonment. To watch these two guys who were so crazy in love with one another, and in love with one another’s ability–it’s magic, it’s absolute magic.”

“Call it Romeo and Juliet if you want, I don’t give a shit”

“You see, the one thing that Winchell told me that night-he saw us at the Havana Madrid-and I was sitting having a drink with him after the show and he said,

“You know what’s wonderful about what you two guys are doing?” And he’s talking like we’re an act. We’re not an act. He said, “I love the way you look at him.” I said, “I didn’t know it was that evident.” “You know, that’s part of the magic-and the way he looks at you." " Yeah. Oh, God, yeah, it was difficult not to show that. I was so enamored by him and so thrilled…." -JL, Who the Hell's In It?

"It was the same chemistry, and this may sound weird- well, I don’t know how it’s going to sound-that happens when the sperm and egg make contact and can reproduce a magnificent miracle. That’s what we had. I don’t know of any other chemistry that’s as godlike.”

"But from that first moment, to the end of it all, I never loved anything in my life like I loved my partner" - Jerry Lewis, promoting Dean and me on Regis 2005

I wrote him a love letter and a thank you, and there was no response. And I wasn’t hurt by that, because I know him. He’s a very private man, and he knows, just as I knew that he understood me, he knows that I understand him. I think he knows in his heart, that I understand, that he’s not one to sit down and write a letter. That’s not his style. He’s now one to acknowledge a letter, that’s not his style. And that’s part of his charm. He just doesn’t give a damn about a lot of things that a lot of us are prisoners to.

Jerry Lewis on Dean Martin after their 1976 MDA telethon reunion.

“I think people were frightened of a homosexual probability. They didn’t want to recognize it. This is two people that love one another like a man and woman, a wife and a daughter, a son or a husband.”

~ Jerry Lewis, Method to the Madness of Jerry Lewis (2011)

“I catch Dean worrying about things occasionally- things I have always worried about, to which previously he wouldn’t have given a thought. How do I know? I always know what’s going on in his head, even if his head is fifty miles away as I’ve said-and do you know why? I love him. He’s a big jerk sometimes but in the clinches there are few people in the world who could touch him.”

“‘The way Jerry is, everybody who works for him are puppets, see, he pulls the strings’, says Irving Kaye 'Nobody can tell him nothin’. It’s entirely a one man operation altogether. Mr. Martin was the only one. He was the only one Jerry ever listened to about anything. If Jerry got outta line, Dean would say 'Relax, kid–relax.’ And he’d relax and be alright. Today he’s like a dame carrying a torch, now that they’re not together anymore.”

- Richard Gehman, That Kid, 1963.

Jerry said this in 1976:

Plus all the times Patti told Jerry to go to his other wife, or referred to Dean and Jerry's other wife.

Examples of Dean loving Jerry:

“Our partnership in many ways is a marriage…. I dare say we’ve spent more time together than most married couples do.” - Dean Martin

"When we shook hands on our partnership, I said in my heart, this is forever, ‘til death do us part. It still goes! Sometimes he makes mistakes. Sometimes I make mistakes. But as long as people let us alone, the team of Martin & Lewis will go on.” - Dean Martin

"You’re still the best in the whole world….. I love you, and I mean it.” - Dean talking to Jerry on stage after Jerry surprised him for his birthday, 1989.

“Oh, God, we had such fun, it was ridiculous. He’s doing a number one night and he calls me up. He said, I hope I didn’t interrupt you when you’re busy.” I said “No, I was just standing around listening to you.’ He said, ‘In the middle of the song I thought to myself, I miss him.’ I said ‘That’s why you called me up, because you missed me?’ He said ‘Yeah–now we’re together–isn’t that wonderful?”