#and I'm kinder and more patient with myself because of it now

[jfleamont]

hey you know what? I'm actually so happy to have found this corner of the internet where I get to indulge in some of my favourite pastimes. I have a very fulfilling life outside of this and I'm deeply grateful for that too but isn't it fucking nice to come here and get to chat about our favourite characters together? isn't it fucking grand that we're from different parts of the world and yet we get to share our writing, our art, our thoughts and that we find connection through that? there are so many kind and intelligent people here and guys, it's a privilege to have witnessed your light, even if it's through a screen and behind a silly username. not everyone gets the chance to interact with other people who share the same passions, and I like the fact that we're all at different stages of our lives but still find joy in this collective experience that is being in a fandom. maybe I'll grow out of it, maybe I won't, but it's liberating, satisfying and inspiring to be here and, most importantly, I'm having fun and that's all that matters, right?

so thank you, I guess, for just being here.

[slayfics]

Katsuki gets caught being sweet to you.

You started to finally catch your breath being at the top of the hiking trail Katsuki had dragged you out too.

"Alright there, it's just us up here so tell me already. What the hell has been going on?"

"That's why you brought me out here?" You asked.

"Just tell me already, stop being so damn stubborn." He pried you impatiently.

"I told you I'm fine Bakugo, just busy like everyone else." You replied.

"Don't give me that shit. Do you think I'm stupid? The other extras are too dense to notice but I can see how exhausted you've been this whole week. So just tell me- what's going on," He said.

"You didn't need to drag me out here on a hike in freezing weather to do this, you know," You said, slightly irritated at Katsuki continuing to push you.

"Ugh- will you stop stalling and talk already," He yelled, causing you to let out an annoyed sigh. Katsuki put his hands in his pockets and looked out at the view, his demeanor softening slightly. "You can talk to me, you know," he added, his voice lower and kinder than before.

You stayed looking at the view for a few more moments trying to figure out how to unpack everything that had been stressing you out. It wasn't like some big thing, but a summation of a bunch of little things that were beginning to become too challenging to manage.

A cold breeze blew by causing you to shiver. You wondered why Katsuki had insisted on bringing you up this mountain to talk to you. He could have pestered you in your dorm where it was warm.

Katsuki stole glances at you occasionally then focused back on the view not wanting to intimidate you too much from his glare. Hiking always helped him to clear his mind and gather his thoughts when they seemed too loud. He thought maybe it would help you too, and being away from all your classmates might make it easier for you to talk to him. At the very least it made it easier for Katsuki to be more vulnerable with you. He found it too daunting to express himself fully with all the attention of his classmates around. It was much easier being only in your company.

You took a deep breath, "I guess- it's just been hard to balance everything recently," You finally spoke, breaking the silence. Katsuki made it easy to open up to, as he had no problem sitting in silence for long extended periods. Others in your life felt the need to fill that silence with useless chatter which always prevented you from sitting in your emotions and being able to formulate them into words.

You took in another breath feeling a lump in your throat form. You hadn't wanted to talk to anyone about what was going on for fear of opening up the flood of emotions and not being able to stop. Now here it was. You didn't want to cry on this fucking hill.

Katsuki patiently waited while you gathered your thoughts.

"It's just been so much and I've been barely keeping up. It's- been getting to me recently. I've been forgetting things I shouldn't. Being unusually upset at things that aren't that big of a deal- and I just- it's dumb." You cut yourself off afraid to say anymore.

"It's not dumb. Don't hold that shit in, it's not healthy," He said encouraging you to keep talking.

You sighed, "I just... know that it could be way worse, and I've been through way worse so- I feel so irritated at myself. What I'm going through now isn't something I can't handle. I know that. So why do I feel so fucking exhausted with everything," You replied wiping a stray tear from your cheek.

"Hmm," Katsuki grunted, processing what you said. "You know, it's ok to be tired, and- to not be perfect. You can't just deny yourself from feeling overwhelmed because it could be worse. If you're exhausted now then those feelings are real- and it's ok to have them," He spoke.

You looked down at the view watching the distant cars pass, "Thanks," You managed to say taking another deep breath.

"You shouldn't wait to handle them until they explode either. Trust me, I know what that's like," He said, causing you to let out a small giggle. "You're too damn hard on yourself you know that?"

You let out a full laugh, "Oh that's pretty good coming from you. You're the pro at having too high expectations for yourself," you laughed.

You and Katsuki were wrapped up in your conversation causing you not to notice approaching classmates in the distance. Mina and Eijiro had also decided to come up the hill after class and spotted both of you in the distance.

"That looks like we shouldn't interrupt," Eijiro said.

"Yeah," Mina agreed. "But maybe... we could get a little closer to make sure everything is ok?" She said, pulling Eijiro into the bushes to spy on you and Katsuki. Eijiro was highly against the plan but was unable to protest for fear of you two hearing.

"Yeah I know I have high expectations for myself... that's why I know what it fucking looks like when you're being too hard on yourself. So- tonight I'm coming to your dorm and, I'm making sure you get to bed at a reasonable fucking time."

Mina's eyes widened as she looked at Eijiro, "Coming to their dorm?!" She whispered, and Eijrio covered her mouth, silencing her.

"You mean Grandpa time at 9 p.m.?"

"Shut up! 9 p.m. is late as hell! You damn idiots just don't know how to have a good sleep schedule! Look I'm making sure you get some sleep and tomorrow I'm taking you out. So- figure out where you want to eat, I don't care where. And I'm not letting you say no you need a break," Katsuki replied.

"You don't have to do that Bakugo."

"Of course, I don't have to but, I want to. So just shut up and let me take care of you ok. You better not be afraid to order enough food this time either! I'm buying so- just get whatever you want, alright?"

"Ok ok," You laughed, feeling your mood brighten.

"Next time, just tell me when you're having a bad day or something. Stop making me drag it out of you. I- worry about you, you know? Now let's go back to the dorms. I see you shivering," He said, beginning to walk back down the hill.

Mina squirmed again under Eijiro's hand, keeping her silent. Her eyes said it all. She was in disbelief at Katsuki's words.

"Here," Katsuki said, holding his hand out and offering it to you. "I'll warm your hand with my quirk," he said.

You grabbed his hand interlacing your fingers with his.

"Don't dare say anything about how sweaty my hands are!" He barked.

You giggled, "How many times do I have to tell you I don't care Bakugo. It's part of your quirk, and your quirk is amazing you shouldn't be self-conscious about it. Besides, I'm always happy to hold your hand," You said as you two walked down the mountain.

"Tch whatever," Katsuki grumbled looking away from you as a small tint grew on his cheeks.

Finally, when you and Katsuki were far enough down the hill, Eijiro released Mina.

"WHAT WAS THAT?!?" Mina exclaimed.

"Shh shhh," Eijiro pleaded.

"WHAT- He wants to take care of them?!? OH MY GOD! They are totally dating right?! That's what he said he's taking them out to eat! And he's sneaking into their dorm! Wait wait- when they held hands it sounded like that had before! AND AND BAKUGO WAS TOTALLY BLUSHING! NO WAY!" Mina said looking like she might pass out from all this information.

"Ashido relax, we shouldn't have heard any of that!" Eijiro replied.

"Yeah but but-" Mina exclaimed, her head spinning. "Who knew Baklugo could actually be so sweet! I can't wait to tell Jiro-" She said, pulling out her phone.

"NO!" Eijiro said, grabbing her phone from her. "Uh- sorry, I didn't mean to be so harsh but- you can't tell anyone what we heard ok?" Eijiro said.

"WHAT?! I just heard Bakugo being the sweetest boyfriend ever and you expect me not to say anything about that?!"

"YES!" Eijiro yelled. "Look they both like their privacy and there is a reason they were all the way up here talking, Ashido. I think we should keep this a secret and let them do things at their own pace ok?" He said, handing Mina back her phone.

"UGH-" She exclaimed letting out a big sigh. "I guess you're right... but wow who would have thought Bakugo could be a decent person much less a good boyfriend." She said.

Eijiro just shrugged at her words, "I don't know he's not a bad guy like you all make him out to be you know."

"Wait! You totally already knew didn't you!" Mina said, slapping Eijiro's shoulder.

"Hey! I mean- Bakugo is my best friend you know, so yeah I did..." He answered truthfully.

"You suck! Keeping secrets like that from me!" Mina said playfully, waving a finger at him.

"I'm sorry, but it's their business you know?" He said.

"Yeah I understand, guess we should go back to the dorms too now," Mina suggested.

"Yeah it is pretty cold up here, let's go." He agreed as they both started to walk down the hill. "I don't have Bakugo's quirk or anything but- if you're cold you can hold my hand too if you want," Eijiro suggested.

Mina's face tinted a darker pink as she reached out and grabbed Eijiro's hand.

Tags: @unofficialmuilover @maddietries

Picture taken from @everypanelofkatsuki, thank you for all your hard work! Go check them out if you haven’t!

[turtlecleric]

for the honesty hour tinggg — what is one of the biggest life lessons that has made you who you are today? (ie you think about it daily)

Keisha coming in with the hard questions. I love it. (And I love YOU!) This got a little long. Maybe it only feels long because I'm on mobile, but I'll put it under a cut just to be safe.

A lesson I think about daily would be that everyone acts like they do for a reason. Like, people's past experiences have shaped them, and everyone has a whole life they're living that not everyone else is privy to. So even if it's not clear WHY they're behaving a certain way, there is still a reason for their behavior. I notice it in myself a lot, where I'll do something and be able to pinpoint the reason I do that, and that reason isn't necessarily obvious. Others might perceive my behavior as odd because they don't have the context that I do. Knowing this helps me to be kinder and more patient with others, I think, because I try my best to give people the benefit of the doubt. I don't always succeed at this, and sometimes it's nice just to vent or complain a little, but in my heart it helps me to not get so worked up over things and it helps me to give grace to others easier.

For example, if someone does something rude I might be offended, annoyed, etc. But then I try to think about the fact that we all know so very little about the others around us. Maybe they didn't understand the expectations well. Maybe they have trauma around the situation. Maybe they've always acted that way and no one has ever said anything. Maybe it's a defense mechanism. Maybe they had an emergency that wasn't apparent to me and their behavior felt appropriate to them in that situation. Maybe they're going through something right now and they're hanging on by a thread and they just don't have the mental bandwidth available to monitor themselves like they should. Maybe they don't even know how else to act. And so on.

That person speeding and passing me might have diarrhea and really need to get to a bathroom! The kid with a bad attitude might've gotten no sleep because their parents kept them up all night with their fighting! The person making a comment that feels rude might not have meant it that way at all and might not even realize it was rude! We just don't know. So I try to be kind (key word: try), because I don't know. I don't know what they're thinking, what they've been through, what they're going through right now. And I hope others do the same for me, because even though there are people that are mean and malicious and hateful on purpose... I feel like most of us are just doing the best we can with what we have.

I hope I actually answered the question. Felt like I sort of rambled 😅 thank you for the ask dear! 💕

[itsbelvina]

I've been putting in a lot of effort to figure myself out lately. It's just that I find myself getting anxious really easily, and it's like I'm struggling to grasp who I am. There are times when I'm just too tough on myself, and in the midst of it all, I lose sight of what I truly need. It's a bit overwhelming. I'm trying my best, but understanding myself seems like this puzzle that I can't quite solve. I guess I'm just searching for that clarity, that moment when everything starts to make sense. I need to cut myself some slack, maybe take a step back and see the bigger picture. It's like I'm in this constant struggle between who I am and who I think I should be. Maybe it's about embracing the uncertainty and allowing myself the space to evolve.

The anxiety, though, it's like this shadow that follows me around, making everything a bit more challenging. I wonder if it's because I set such high expectations for myself or if it's just a part of who I am. Either way, it's there, and it makes this journey of self-discovery a bit rockier. Maybe I need to learn to navigate through it, find ways to ease the tension. It's like I forget that I'm a work in progress, and that's okay. I'm not meant to have all the answers right now.

There are moments when I genuinely feel lost, like I'm wandering in a foggy maze without a clear direction. It's frustrating because I want to understand myself better, yet it feels like I keep hitting dead ends. Maybe it's about being patient with the process, understanding that self-discovery is a journey with no fixed destination. I guess, in the midst of it all, I need to be kinder to myself, give myself the grace to learn and grow. It's not about having it all figured out. it's about embracing the process and finding bits of myself along the way.

[wear-your-voice]

bpd venting ...

Journal Entry - Mars 22

I'm having one of those days again where my emotions feel completely out of control. It started this morning when Sarah cancelled our plans to get brunch. I know it's not a huge deal, but my mind instantly went to that dark place convincing myself that she hates me and our friendship is over. The feelings of abandonment and rejection washed over me like a tidal wave.

I tried to Logic it out and remind myself that she had a work thing come up and it wasn't personal, but I couldn't shake the burning anger and hurt. I lashed out and sent her a nasty text that I immediately regretted. Now she's not responding at all and I feel like I've driven another person away because of my BPD impulsivity.

The self-hatred has been consuming today. I looked at myself in the mirror and couldn't see anything good. I'm so harsh and critical toward myself, picking apart every flaw and insecurity. The intense self-loathing leaves me feeling like I'm not worth anyone's time or energy. My sense of self-worth is nonexistent at times like this.

I've been having thoughts of self-harm again as that temporary relief seems so tempting when my emotions are this unbearable. But I know how bad I'll feel after and how it only perpetuates the cycle. I'm fighting against those urges with everything I have, using my coping techniques like mindfulness and journaling.

Some days I feel like I've come so far in my DBT treatment then others like today make me wonder if I'll ever get control over my BPD symptoms. The mood swings, fear of abandonment, and self-destructive thoughts take such a toll. I know I need to be kinder and more patient with myself during these episodes. Writing it all out does help a bit to process everything. I just wish I could find more stability and peace within myself and my relationships.

[dross-the-fish]

idk how anyone could send you hate. Your blog is such a laid back place and you're always so nice to everyone who comes here. Anyway, sending you good vibes today!

Well thank you for that! I could always use good vibes. I don't actually get that much hate in proportion to all of the feedback that's positive but the common denominator is that people like my art but they hate my perspective on characters or don't like my opinions on certain media.

Those aren't even invalid sentiments but I will never know why they feel the need to get nasty about it instead of just finding a different artist to follow but that's how it is sometimes. The only correct way to handle them is to block them, make my boundaries clear, and move on. Generally I feel like most of the hate comes from younger folks who still have something of a lingering high school mentality and I do believe most of them will grow out of it in time. I remember when I was in my late teens and early twenties I wasn't always the most level headed or mature person myself and if I'm kinder and more patient now it's because I know I wasn't then.

That's also why I've come to believe it's better to have a little charity towards people who are probably still learning and have a lot of growing up to do than it is to try and have beef with teenagers and young adults at the age of 33. I may be annoyed or even frustrated but I don't take any of it personally or hang on to it after it's been dealt with because I know it will pass and most of these people will look back on how they behaved one day and likely recognize that it wasn't appropriate or called for. At any rate, thank you and everyone else who's been supportive, it means a lot to me and I'll try my best to keep this place welcoming for all of you who do come to enjoy my art and writing <3

[amethystina]

And that's probably because that's something I've struggled with myself. I had a couple of years during my mid-twenties when I was convinced I was an incredibly selfish and unkind person, simply because that was what I was being told by some of the people around me. We're talking full-on emotional abuse along the lines of: "you're a heartless, selfish bully and you're lucky I put up with you since you're such a terrible person.

Oh, I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. For everything I've seen on here and our brief interactions before I'm calling what they said BullShit. You are very kind and also come over as a very patient person.

And yes, listen to your wife because she is right.

HUG!

Thank you for the kind words 💜

Fortunately, I am feeling much better nowadays, even if there are lingering symptoms and behaviours that I sometimes catch myself having/doing. Turns out it's kind of difficult to rebuild your self-confidence from the ground up when you're in your mid-twenties xD And I'm still pretty terrible at not tying my worth to the things I can produce/achieve and how much I can contribute to the people around me.

But hey, we're all works in progress, right?

And the whole thing did bring a couple of good things with it, too. I now pay more attention to my negative self-talk and can catch myself as soon as I start spiralling. In many ways, it has taught me to be kinder to myself, which I think we all know is easier said than done.

So, if we're looking at things from the bright side, at least I got something out of it :)

(And lost a couple of "friends," sure, since I had to cut them out of my life because they were assholes, but still. Good riddance, I'd argue)

[qvietspvce]

i've been having a bad day, or rather a string of bad days recently and it was only the two hour long phone call with my mum (both of us ended up crying at points) that let things slot into place so i'm going to write the thoughts down so i can get them out.

firstly, i'm stressed as anything over bee moving out. i love her and i'm happy for her but that doesn't minimise the deep wells of panic that are bubbling away at the thought of her moving. it's going to be hard, and potentially means i end up selling my house and downsizing to a 1 bed rental. but it's more than that because i'll miss her. i described her as sunshine in a bottle to my mum because she's such a positive and resilient person. i'm worried i'm going to get lonely and sad without her.

secondly, this time two years ago my dad went from a relatively active, incredibly mentally sharp, highly independent man to someone who he just isn't anymore. he spent 8 months in hospital becoming deeply physically and mentally unwell.

he recovered physically but mentally the man i knew as my father (intelligent, charismatic, witty, cruel, stubborn, patient, surprisingly kind, hearing of a bloody bat and memory of an elephant) was gone. in his place is someone kinder and far more simple.

i'm bludgeoned by guilt when i feel grateful that he isn't capable of being so cruel now but i mourn the man that would needle and pick and prod at me in order to get me to think for myself ("be an individual, apple." ... "sometimes i think you're far too clever for your own good." ... "you're a [surname], start acting like it!").

but the end of may and beginning of june were the beginnings of this change. last year i was so relieved that i got to spend another year with him that it didn't really hit me. this year it has. i'm mourning a man that is still alive.

so i talked to my mum, we laughed and reminisced, we both tried desperately not to let the other one know we were crying down the phone, we both admitted we felt like utter shit and wildly anxious. we talked about her dogs and my cats. i bemoaned the state of the (un)employment market. she groused about the fact that her work van needs £1600 worth of repairs after an unfortunate accident. we spoke about how we're worried for the state of the world. we reminded each other that we love each other.

and life still seems too scary and i feel a bit like a raw nerve.

but i'll be okay.

after all, i'm my mum's son and father's daughter. and whatever else happens, i'm a fucking h-----, so i'll act like it.

[quinnthebard]

It's been one year(-ish) since the series of really, no-good, horrible bad things. It's been quite the journey and a struggle. A constant battle of confidence and the lack of. To be frank, it was quite shit getting to where I am now. So much therapy, so many sessions crying as I tried to convey how I felt to those I hoped I could still trust. I've had to learn how to value myself again, how to allow myself to be valued. To find fault in the logic behind how other's decided to perceive me because it was. But also acknowledging the small points where, yes, I could have done better.

I don't have a big moral or revelation to share from this. It's been a really personal journey and while I don't think the people who caused me such massive harm are terrible people, I don't ever really want to interact with them again. It hurt to much for them to discard me the first time and I can't trust them to not repeat their actions. They've lost my trust, probably forever.

But I have learned how to be kinder to others and to myself. To take a deep breath and offer the benefit of the doubt, to be patient and leave a door open for those that need time for themselves.

On a more positive note, while I haven't been active in said fandom, I do wish so many of the people I have met there so much good will and I am silently cheering you on even if I haven't been mentally ready to participate vocally again and I will never be able to in the same spaces I used to. Additionally, I'm going to try to take some time to work on one of my WIPs that have been haunting me and maybe, just maybe, I'll have more stories to share. :)

[missazura]

Not being able to access or release your tears fucking sucks- I'm sorry you can't cry right now. You deserve to.

Not knowing exactly when things will get better makes it feel as if the pain will stretch on infinitely. "Everyone knows things get better eventually, but when will it happen for me?" Is something I asked myself a lot last year.

I'm sorry I can't give you a when. The astrology app "The Pattern" helped me hold out for hope when I was at my lowest bc it gave specific days. It was helpful to see that I had 6 months of learning this or that hard lesson, and the pain it brought, left. I hope you can find something that helps remind you that Spring always comes after winter, even when the cold of winter is the only experience you're having, and has no exact end date.

It sounds like things really fucking suck rn, things are hard and you're exhausted of how hard they've been. Everything you've been feeling and struggling to release, whether it'd ab accessing them or having a safe place to feel them, sounds extremely heavy. I'm so sorry about everything you're going through.

I understand that no one can give me a date on exactly when things will be better, there's only so much someone can say to comfort me after all.

vent under the cut

Days like this happen and I feel so hopeless, it's not about finding the little things to keep going at this point when I'm barred from finding happiness because of my abuser's suffering. I'm forced to bottle up any good feelings, a smile, everything because how dare I be happy when she's not? how dare I laugh at something on my phone, have a silly thought that made me chuckle when she's being absolutely miserable? and I don't know what to do. it's eating me up and crushing my spirit, she refuses to listen to anyone and doesn't WANT to get better. my family accuses me on not taking care of her better while whenever I try to help her she flat out ignores, refuses, throws tantrums and threatens suicide when I push it. when I talk to my aunt she dismisses it as something that all grandmothers do, it's normal, be kinder to her because she won't be here forever. her boyfriend dismisses it too, telling me to be patient, and I try to, I try so hard to, but why is my safety secondary to hers? why is my safety and my sanity lesser than hers? why don't I matter? I believe they'd be happier when I die, at least I won't be a constant burden to them anymore. my grandma will 100% use my death to fuel her visual suffering more though, just like she did with the others who she wished death upon before this.

[chromotps]

The thing about Ace/Sabo is that the ship is less about them being brothers but more like them sharing a childhood friendship? That had the potential of becoming something more in the future. Except it didn’t, for obvious reasons. And yeah not everyone’s a fan of that, but people also like the raised by wolves/son of a noble dynamic they had as children. While I agree Sabo does kind of feel like he was stuck to Ace&Luffy as an afterthought, with a piece of chewed-out gum — his existence doesn’t… I don’t know, feel out of place? I also enjoy how kinda tragic his character is, and how he carries that tragedy with him? In the form of Ace’s devil fruit (Sabo also canonically hallucinates and there was an instance where he admitted to hearing Ace’s voice, during his fight with Burgess? so yeah, not everyone’s cup of tea again but I’m a huge fan of hurt/comfort so having a character go through a psychotic depressive episode because of the insane guilt he feels? Just, yeah. Plus there’s something really poetic about him literally eating Ace’s DF and still considering it „Ace’s powers” etc) and the way I see Sabo/Lu is through Ace/Lu (and partially Ace/Sabo) anyway. Because Sabo is trying to fill out the role of an older brother/friend for Luffy that he’s well aware is impossible to fill — because nothing ever will be the same for Luffy. Nothing or no one could even come close to making it up for Ace’s loss to Luffy, and Sabo knows he’s kind of a cheap copy of that (figuratively and literally lmfao, as I know people have been calling him low-budget Ace), but still he tries to? And the fact that Luffy is technically his only remaining family (or at least someone he willingly considers family). And I kind of see it as a parallel to how Ace’s approach to Luffy changed after Sabo’s „death”? Because Sabo was the „kinder” brother, the nicer one, the smarter one, it was usually him who took Luffy’s side whenever Ace was annoyed with him? And the one who explicitly asked Ace to look after Luffy — which then was one of the direct reasons why Ace changed the way he treated Luffy, forced him to be more patient/learn to love and eventually led to Ace willingly becoming the „older brother” figure for Luffy. I’m in no way trying to convince you to like Sabo, don’t get me wrong!! I’m just trying to show an example how Ace/Sabo isn’t necessarily brotherly either (like, I don’t know, Sabo/Luffy seems to be?). And it’s just that while I’m first and foremost a huge Ace/Lu enjoyer I also think Sabo did have a significant impact on their relationship both before and after Ace’s death.

((!! sorry i took a while to reply! i made that post before work on Friday and then got slammed until just now fdghjgk)

the odd thing is, I mostly agree!! I think I had to vent bc i saw ppl (a few specific sabo fans haha) on twitter acting like luffy would feel nothing toward ace but be obsessed with sabo. and, lol, no. but what YOU said makes total sense. like, yes, Ace + Sabo definitely has a different, more involved feeling to me than Ace & Luffy. I've had some ships in the past that fit the raised by wolves/runaway noble trope... the charm of the noble feeling like "this is the only person I feel like I can really be myself around" and the wild one thinking "i like spending time with this noble—they're tougher/kinder/funnier than i gave them credit for" AND/OR "society has always rejected me, but this 'cultured' person accepting me heals that pain a little bit"—all of those things are really charming.

Maybe if we'd seen more about how ace and sabo became friends, or if there were more emphasis on sabo's acceptance being what helped ace's anger (instead of, just from how i saw things, it being mostly luffy's unconditional warmth toward ace that did it?) then I'd personally be more feral about that dynamic, haha. But it's like you said, I guess it all depends on what we each connect with. I dont find tragedy alone compelling... I'm depressed enough already as it is LMAO!! if I think too hard about how viscerally sad Sabo only remembering Ace after he'd died is, my brain just shuts down. But I've got really good friends who would EAT THAT UP. Like, yeah, it is beautifully poetic... hahaha now i'm laughing thinking about my friends who were really into Hamlet and Romeo & Juliet finding out about Sabo & Ace and being obsessed, ahaha (they're not so into One Piece tho, only jjk... at least, for now!! 😈)

it's hard to put into words, but there's something about Sabo being a revolutionary vs. ace and luffy being pirates, that kind of explains why my brain sees A+L as very very very different than A&S or L&S. But like, that's just my brain and how my heart likes to focus on characters with really codependent relationships/dreams/themes, hahaha...

[cordeliawhohung]

i'm so sorry about what you're going through. sincerely hoping the rest of this week is much, much kinder to you. giving you the tightest hug (if you'd like) and please know you always have someone on your side no matter what.

thank you so much ): this kind of turned into a long rant so i'm gonna put it under the cut just in case no one wants to read it a;lsdkfj

luckily i stood my ground and i get today off like i'm supposed to. most of my stress is stemming from work lately because my boss purposely short staffed us for the sake of saving more money and ever since we made that change i've been doing significantly more work than i used to because i have to not only do my clinical stuff, but i have to help front desk as well. the only break i ever get is lunch. yesterday i helped treat 48 patients, i work 10 hour days, and they wanted me to drive to the outreach clinic today because the girl there is sick but every time i cover someone i never get a day traded, which means i'm stuck working over 40 hours a week due to poor staffing and planning. i'm also the only full time worker. it's just so ungodly frustrating putting in all this extra work without getting a raise, and not even making a living wage. god i even dreamed about my co workers giving me shit for taking today off, like i'm supposed to.

and i'm just stuck between standing up for myself, because this job is fucking burning me out, and not wanting to fuck over my co workers but it's like... it's not my fault. like if your whole operation is fucked because ONE person gets sick, then you need to get someone else hired. that's not my problem. also why the fuck do i keep putting in so much effort? it's not like i'm getting paid more? i'm literally making 14.50 an hour. that is fucking nothing???? but min wage is so low in my state i'm afraid that if i try and move to a different job i'll just get fucked again and ugh. like i used to be able to work a 10 hour shift and then come home and do things i enjoy and now i can't do that because i'm so fucking tired from running around nearly 10 hours straight. i work 10 hours, sleep 10 hours, then have the other 4 hours in the day to dick around and it's literally killing me. and honestly i wouldn't mind it if my pay reflected my work but it doesn't and i'm UGH

anyway. i'm okay, it's fine, it'll get sorted eventually. sorry for ranting lmao.

[idleglowingpixels]

Big Update Post (Regarding XXY and some other projects)

WOW, I haven't posted anything in a while. I'm so sorry about that!

For an explanation, without getting into major personal details, I got a new job after having a really bad experience at another. And I started taking a medication around the same time that caused severe fatigue for me, to the point I unfortunately got fired for excessive absenteeism. That sent me into a major depressive slump, and I'm only just now digging myself out of it. Still on the job hunt, been filling out lots of paperwork and doing lots of interviews that go absolutely nowhere, but I'm optimistic I'll eventually find something.

Also, on a brighter note (My brain just refuses to be pessimistic for real lol), I've decided to attend college starting in January! My associate's degree majors are focusing on Creative Writing, as well as General Studies to get those main classes out of the way in the first two years. I then plan on pursuing the Creative Writing degree up to a bachelor's, and I'm planning on double-majoring with Graphic Design for those last two years for the namesake of a bachelor's degree in both fields (good for the resumes, y'know?), and also because my art and writing portfolios for original works are SEVERELY lacking. I don't think I've worked on them professionally since high school! :')

Okay, personal mess aside, as a result of the depressive slump, I was so severely demotivated that I fell extremely far behind on my writing goals for this month, which is a huge bummer. :C But I'm trying to work on being kinder and more patient with myself, and it's working so far, so I'm just gonna keep trucking along.

I'll share what I have gotten done, as well as what's coming up this October. So, without further ado, here you go:

XXY: I have fully completed the first drafts of Chapters 8 & 9, with Chapter 10's first draft pending completion. If I had to take a guess, between writing and editing the chapters for future drafts, I won't have Chapters 8-13 ready for release until at least December. This is because at my standard writing pace, I won't have all the first drafts completed until the end of October, and accounting for all the time I'll be spending editing the chapters or rewriting scenes where necessary, I doubt I will be able to provide any chapters in November. I'm so sorry for making you guys wait so long for an update, believe me. I appreciate your patience at this time and will do my best to complete these chapters up to my standards as soon as humanly possible.

Idle's Monster High AU (Working Title): Kicking off the official beginning of me sharing my Monster High AU, which I've been developing for roughly 2-3 years now, I'm spending the rest of this week in particular revamping the designs I drew from last year for the main 5 ghouls (Frankie, Draculaura, Clawdeen, Cleo and Lagoona) but didn't post. I'm gonna be sharing 1 redesign each week on this blog for the duration of October! I will also be posting a one-shot I've been writing and editing on-and-off throughout the last year or so, to commemorate this year's upcoming Friday The 13th! The one-shot will be posted on said date, October 13th. I'm BEYOND excited to share this one, and I even have a drawing for the fic I'll put in the fic's masterpost!

Ladybug And Chat Noir: A Miraculous Tale: For now, this project is still sidelined to make room for XXY and other works to be completed. I'm hoping to work on it more soon!

I'm also making a formal announcement soon for my new writeblr blog, focusing more on my original stories and stuff about them very soon! Just have to make a masterpost/introduction for the page and I'll reblog it here. After that, I'm keeping the blogs relatively separate, as this is my unhinged fandom blog and the other one's more on the "professional" side for my personal works.

That's it for tonight I think, and I hope this satisfies my lack of posting here lately. These last 2-3 weeks have been a real struggle for my mental health, but I'm finally seeing the sun over the horizon!

[talktomytherapist]

On forgiving and forgetting

How many times will you let someone you love ever so dearly break your trust?

I found myself asking this question some months ago. The person I love has broken my trust three times over - they lied to me - big lies. And I chose to forgive them.

But forgiving rarely means forgetting, no?

After the last one, after he's seen me break apart because of them, to the point that I was almost sure I would leave, something changed about them - they were kinder, more open, more vulnerable. Slowly, I opened myself back up again. Very slowly. And they have been very patient. and loving. and understanding. Things have changed.

And you might think "oh they are just acting that way now because they don't want to lose you but once they have you back in their trap, they will betray you again" but it's been months, and they've been consistent. And I started feeling safer. Relatively. And I felt that I had forgiven them.

But forgiving rarely means forgetting.

They have been nothing but good. But there are times when one simply cannot forget and associates things to past events. When they do a kind gesture, a voice in my head is saying "what did they do now?" And I'm starting to feel like my thoughts are unfair to them. And I don't want these unfair thoughts to push them away. I love them and I feel that they love me too. And I want their kind gestures. I read something about how one should not punish the behavior one wants to see. So I'm trying not to do that. Hopefully, it's been manifesting.

Anyway, all of this is just to say that I want to start actively rebuilding the trust on my end. I can't just be passive anymore, I think.

I really want to make this work, and I know they do too.

Why are relationships so complicated !!!

love, Em

[leilani-and-kass]

MAAAAN Y'ALL ARE SO NICE!! I disappear for most of the goddamn year, I never really expected anyone to say anything, and I come back and see some of your nice comments!!

I SWEAR I WANT TO COME BACK SOMETIME IN THE NEW YEAR, BECAUSE I MISS ASK BLOGGING SO SO MUCH!! There's still a lot of planning that needs to be done before that, but I'll do my best!! This has been such a difficult year for me between my own frustrations with my art and the big move, but at least the move is out of the way now, and I can focus more on what I want to do.

I know I've been super hard on myself, and believe me, I'm trying. I'm trying to be a little kinder to myself and let go of this idea that everything I draw has to be "pretty" or "perfect." While I haven't been posting a whole lot, that doesn't mean I haven't been drawing. Just more focusing on lessons and fundamental stuff. I don't know if I've improved or not, but at the very least, I think I have gotten faster.

Gonna post the friendly comments I got under a "Read More" here. Thanks again for being so nice and so patient with me y'all!!

[thefinalwitness]

i slept all day and im still severely hurty but i think. we're getting there. o|–< im including a readmore to catch up new ppl who are curious bc ive found being open about my chronic pain has helped inform others to their own so!!!! i like sharing

i've had a gradually worsening chronic illness since 2019-2020—it's hard to say for sure when it started, but my physically demanding job at a retail store slowly went from perfectly doable to 'i cant even survive a four hour shift without multiple episodes of hiding in the bathroom just to let some of the pain subside'.

i ultimately had to quit that job in early 2021, and at the time had a writing job that i thought, surely this will be okay! i was wrong. it was so hard to work as consistently as was needed of me. i spent so much time just writing and then sleeping so i might recover fast enough to do more writing. i was ALWAYS late on deadlines no matter how hard i tried.

eventually that job closed down in general, so naturally i lost it, but i know in my heart i would have had to quit within 6 months otherwise. that was late 2021. i've been unemployed since, with no disability because despite ongoing, regular visits with doctors, we dont know WHATS wrong with me, therefore i do not have a diagnosis, therefore i cannot qualify for disability in my area. yippee!

so that's the backstory! i started pain meds last fall and theyve helped A LOT. i can have fun sometimes! i went to pride this year for the first time since 2019!! there's definitely still something wrong, and lately i do believe it's still worsening (at a slower rate than before i was getting treatment at all), but i've gotten through a lot of the guilt for being 'an unemployed, unproductive human being' and have learned how to be kinder and patient with myself. it's not my fault i'm sick. it's not my fault 'my best' doesn't look like other people's. my family loves me not for what i can do for them, but because they just love me.

it's hard to feel your ability to Do Things slip away. how i cant go to amusement parks anymore bc the trip would wipe my ass out for weeks. how i cant even go to a barbecue next door some days bc everything just hurts too much. the simultaneous RESILIENCE you build, the tolerance for your own pain that makes you second-guess if it's even real. it took me so long to realize what i was feeling was NOT normal, that most people don't have to RATION their activities, their chores, their BASIC HUMAN MAINTENANCE to make sure you don't screw yourself over for tomorrow by being in too much pain to move.

today was bad. i had a really stressful day yesterday, and woke up in so much pain it was literally all i could do to sleep. couldn't eat, couldn't go to the bathroom, couldn't sit up, could BARELY speak. it was like my body was screaming at me, "we should be in a COMA right now, we should be UNCONSCIOUS, this is not something humans were designed to consciously endure." and that's WITH 6+ months medical pain management. it genuinely scares me imagining what this would've felt like today if i WASN'T on my meds.

i'm still very in the woods, but i'm trying to make the most of my situation! i'm open to questions if you want to learn more about this, as one of the biggest things that made me realize i needed help was OTHER PEOPLE being open about their chronic condition. it's not pretty, by any means, i've left out the grossest realities here, but i think it's important to share, in case i can do for someone what those people did for me.

thanks for reading!!!! i appreciate being heard on this too. it's scary, i still worry people will think i'm lazy or a crybaby, so it means a lot when people take the time to try and understand.

<3