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mbti-notes · 1 year ago

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Anon wrote: INFJ here, 28F but questioning my gender identity. My question and its context is kinda NSFW, but has been bugging me for a long time now.

I believe I’m asexual and recently started wondering if I might be aromantic too. A couple of weeks ago, after a make-out session with a queer platonic partner (45M, romantic and possibly demisexual), I realized that looking at my body in the context of what we’re doing turns me off.

A little history here, I’ve always envisioned myself as a guy in my head growing up; I wanted to get gender affirming surgery at one point; and only recently have become more accepting of my body as something that I need to take care of and sustain, and not be cruel and uncaring towards. I also spend most of my time in my head, so my body has always been a cage of flesh and blood to me.

Another thing that also happened to me before is that after having sex with an ex, I felt like my mind was slowly coming back to my body and wondering if I had been the one doing all of the things that I did. It felt very distant, mechanical, and maybe even disgusting? I—or my brain—seemed very critical of what had happened. It was a consensual affair, but it almost feels like my mind dissociated even though I seemed to be enjoying it in the moment.[end of warning]

I thought that these two occurrences could be due to my inferior Se—the magnitude of external stimuli in the moment that needs to be processed—and my Fe in overdrive—feeling what the other person is feeling, because I feel I am very empathic—when I’m remotely intimate/physical with someone. Do you think that could be the case? Is it possible that these two functions contribute to my asexuality and aromanticism? How about gender identity?

I’m also wondering if maybe it is the self-image that my Ni has of myself and my body that doesn’t align with what my body actually looks like. In which case, I feel it’s closer to dysphoria? Is it something that I can work on by developing myself as a person, like in the dev guide? I feel very lost & confused. I’m trying to take the right steps by checking in with myself, talking to my therapist & my qpp, but I’d appreciate any guidance you could give. Tnx & happy pride! <3

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Happy pride month! You're bringing up a really, really complex issue. Two issues, actually: gender identity and sexual orientation. The fact is there hasn't been enough research about them, let alone research that would link them to personality type. In a lot of ways, mental health professionals are kind of allowing LGBTQ+ people to set the stage for how best to help and counsel them. While empathy and compassion go a long way to ease the pain of prejudice and discrimination, it's hard to find a therapist who really understands this kind of experience unless they've been through something similar as well.

I mention all of this as a disclaimer because it's important to acknowledge that a lot of what we think we know about gender identity and sexual orientation is very much speculative or merely opinion. Because LGBTQ+ experiences have also been heavily politicized into wedge "issues", it's also important to note that the people who speak the loudest about these issues aren't necessarily the ones you should be trusting.

I will start out by stating the fact that asexuality and transgenderism exist. There are studies that reveal neurological differences between allosexual and asexual people, as well as cisgender and transgender people. For instance, asexual people show less attentional and emotional engagement with sexual imagery.

That being said, I am not aware of any definitive and objective way to verify whether someone is actually asexual, aromantic, or transgender outside of what they believe is true about themselves. There are cases of people who come to believe they are asexual because they're operating on an oversimplified definition of it as "not liking sex", or aromantic as "absence of romantic feelings". That can't be the whole story, because humans are very complicated.

The person may or may not actually be asexual and/or aromantic. When you take into consideration the complexity behind why they dislike sex or have no/muted romantic feelings, it could be something seemingly unrelated to orientation. For example: physical or mental health issues; hormonal or libidinal issues; going through religious or moral education that downplayed romance or demonized sexuality; fear of vulnerability; fear of intimacy; insecure attachment; too many negative romantic/sexual experiences that weren't properly processed; having suffered sexual abuse or trauma; etc.

One way to sidestep the either/or trap is by understanding asexuality and aromanticism as a spectrum, where sex drives fluctuate, romantic attraction and feelings ebb and flow, etc. At this time, we take people at their word when they claim to be asexual and/or aromantic. We treat it as a factual statement about their current attraction patterns, sex drive levels, and relationship preferences. But this isn't very helpful for someone who's really questioning their own existence.

As you alluded to in your case, there is a chance it could be more related to personality development issues than sexual/romantic orientation. IF that's the case, developing your Fe and Se functions would eventually lead you to find meaning in emotional connection with a romantic partner and enjoyment in sexual activity. But the word "IF" is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that sentence.

I'm not a therapist, so I will only speak to type development if you are truly interested in developing Fe+Se and seeing where it takes you. With regard to Ni, a self-image can change and evolve when new experiences allow you to see yourself in a new light. Challenge yourself to build as many strong relationships with people as you can mentally and emotionally manage. It's important that you interact with as wide a variety of people from all walks of life as you can find. This allows you to experience the fullest range of what human relationships can offer you, so it prevents you from drawing bad conclusions from too small a sample of what's actually out there.

In the process of building these strong relationships, you will certainly run into problems. Pause and reflect whenever you meet an issue, difficulty, or conflict in yourself. Inquire into what it really means and what it says about you. Of course, you can ask for help from a therapist about how to interpret your feelings. Use real-world experiences to reveal all the obstacles in your mind that might be preventing you from connecting with people emotionally, romantically, and sexually. If it's possible for you to remove those obstacles, then maybe the issue is more psychological and you are not as asexual or aromantic as you believe you are at the moment, if at all.

To be clear, I'm not advocating for any kind of conversion therapy approach. I'm not saying you have to try to turn yourself allosexual. The main point is that you have to dig really deep into yourself and discover what's really there. As an Fe type, part of that process involves systematic experimentation as a means to learn important truths about yourself -> other people are your mirrors. When Fe is underdeveloped, people don't see themselves clearly and their self-concept can be heavily distorted by unconscious social pressures and expectations. An important aspect of Fe development is becoming fully conscious of social influences, such that you discover the boundary between where you end and others begin. And the most efficient way to learn is through firsthand experience in actual relationships.

With regard to gender identity: Disembodiment is a known defense mechanism, and it's not an uncommon manifestation of inferior Se issues. At the very least, it signals that something's awry when you're using it as an escape. I don't know where you live, but it certainly doesn't help that in Western culture, with its roots in Abrahamic religions and ancient Greek philosophy, there is a rather strong undercurrent of devaluing "earthly" things like the body and viewing the (especially woman's) body as a source of impurity, evil, or imprisonment of the soul. Western culture strangely divides up the mind and body in a way that makes it difficult to feel like a whole and integrated being. This is part of why Westerners get fascinated by Eastern cultures and their more holistic ways of thinking.

If you're serious about exploring gender, then you really have to dig deep into the concepts of masculinity and femininity and everything in between. Gender is largely a social construct but many people don't actually understand the full implications of this claim. Some people think a social construct isn't "real". Some people think a social construct can be easily changed at the snap of a finger. Neither is correct. I'm not going to get into the weeds of gender theory, for that you can consult the recommended books on the resources page. Suffice it to say that one cannot have a proper understanding of one's own gender without considering how the concept of gender is constructed by the society one lives in.

For example: The majority of cultures around the world are patriarchal. If you don't know what that really means, the takeaway point is that femininity has traditionally been underappreciated, even devalued. In a heavily patriarchal society, everyone is socialized to view men as superior and women as inferior in all the domains of life that are considered important to that society. Socializing people like this is about upholding traditional roles and hierarchies from one generation to the next. In the worst cases, women are treated as property or commodities to be used, traded, and abused at will.

Living in a society that devalues your existence, it would make sense that some women would want to disavow femininity or womanhood in order to preserve self-esteem and sanity. After the women's liberation movement of the 1970s, a portion of women understood "feminism" as being equal to men and doing all the things that men do, so they started wearing suits, getting obsessed with careers, and behaving more aggressively. But that was misguided because it meant further uplifting masculine ideals at the expense of the feminine.

As someone born with a female body, viewed as and treated as a woman by the society you live in, it is important for you to go through the process of opening up your mind to exploring and, if necessary, unlearning sexist thinking about what it means to be a "woman". If after having gone through this process of "deprogramming" your social conditioning and releasing yourself from rigid gender stereotypes, you realize that you're comfortable being a woman in a female body, then okay.

However, if you've gone through all that and you are no longer influenced by sexism and you still have no real connection to the concepts of femininity or womanhood, then you can feel more confident in calling yourself something else, something that more accurately captures what you are. You may decide to call yourself man, woman, nonbinary, transgender, androgynous, agender. It's about what fits you best when you think of your gender (or lack thereof). The takeaway point is: You'll only be able to see what you really are when your mind is truly free and clear of all the outside noise that pressures you into being something you're not. This goes back to needing Fe development and being more conscious of your position within society and how it affects you.

Since you're asking for my thoughts, I'll be transparent in offering my personal opinion and you can take it as you will: One of the problems with construing gender and sexual orientation as an "identity" is that it can sometimes become an obstacle on your path to realizing your true self. By putting a label on yourself, you are more likely to feel at peace, discover peers, and feel solidarity with a community - that much is true. But there's also a darker side to it. Sociopolitically, a label means you inhabit a predefined role, you have images and expectations placed upon you by society that you will feel pressured to live up to (due to Ni+Fe), you have a more fixed concept of who you are that could inadvertently cut off your potential for change and growth in meaningful directions. While I understand and support the case for labels and their ability to clarify one's existence, I also believe that labels eventually outlive their usefulness and have to be transcended in order to realize one's full potential as a human being.

#infj #auxiliary fe #inferior se #disembodiment #gender #lgbtq #asexual #aromantic #transgender #ask

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csa-survivor-confessions · 2 years ago

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i still remember very little of my trauma/CSA, and i often doubt if it even happened at all because i don’t remember who the perpetrator was. i can remember how it FELT, physically and emotionally, but i don’t have much visual memory, mostly just somatic. the doubt is still something i struggle with so much, and even though i’ve been in trauma therapy for years now, and was referred to a DID specialist by multiple clinicians, i still have this fear that i somehow subconsciously made the whole thing up to get attention or to use as an excuse. i’ve done a lot of reading on the false memory myth, but of course my brain tells me that i must be the exception, that the CSA simply could not have happened to me, especially since a don’t remember who the perpetrator was.

a few months ago, my older sister disclosed to me that our older brother was sexually abusive to her when she was a teenager. she said he never touched her, but would try to record her in the shower, and even stole nude pictures of her off her computer and anonymously used them to blackmail her when she was 16. the police traced it back to him, but my parents blamed her because they were angry that she had taken those photos in the first place (we grew up in a very religious fundamentalist household.) that’s why she decided not to press charges.

this brought up so many questions for me about if it’s possible that my brother was my perpetrator— from what i remember, my perpetrator was a man who was much older than me. i always assumed it was an adult but it’s possible it could’ve been a teenager like my brother was at that time (he is 8 years older than me.) the abuse happened when i was the ages 4-7, at night. aside from that, i don’t know much in terms of context and setting. it’s also possible that someone else in our lives abused both me and my brother, and he was acting it out on my sister. i don’t know. i just wish i could remember. i can’t remember very much at all about my life before age 9-10.

my DID specialist told me that some memories are “unexperienced” because the brain can sometimes just completely shut down during a major trauma, which could be why i have more memory of right before certain events and right after, but only somatic memory of what happened in between. she said these full memories may never come back, and while i’m terrified to remember, it also feels maybe even scarier not to, because then i feel like i’ll never be safe— i question everyone in my life, and i feel like i can’t trust anyone. my specialist also told me that not remembering who your perpetrator was often happens when the perpetrator was someone close to you, who you trusted. i just can’t fathom any of it. it makes me feel like i can’t trust anyone at all.

is it still possible to fully heal from CSA if the memories never come back? if i never remember who the perpetrator was? is it possible to ever feel safe, or to trust myself and others? i know you can’t give me a concrete answer on whether or not it’s real, but i’m so scared that i’ll never heal from this.

thank you for all that you do here <3

Hello,

You can absolutely still heal from your trauma!

There are therapeutic methods that don't require talking about the specifics of trauma. Methods that are based heavily on somatic processing, examples include Somatic Experiencing, Sensorimotor psychotherapy, brain spotting, trauma-informed yoga, trauma-informed massage, and more. These focous on integrating trauma responses that are held in the body. They can work on the body memories and parts of memory you have, you do not need to know the perpetrator. These therapies are known to be really helpful in forming felt safety and reducing hypervigilance.

You can also still do things with communicating with your alters and bringing down dissociative barriers. Understanding what your alters are carrying and letting them express themselves will help quite a bit. You don't have to have memories in totality to learn communication.

Bringing down dissociative barriers will also help with feeling safe in your body. When you work together life becomes more manageable and dissociative experiences can often decrease. Dissociative experiences can contribute to feeling unsafe and breaking health attachments to other people. So rather functional multiplicity or total fusion is what your want to do (and it's fine if you don't know yet) it will make your life better!

it's normal to be afraid of people around us when we don't know what happened exactly in our childhoods it's so hard, but you're not alone.

As you're able to bring down the hyperarousal in your body, I believe that the fear of everyone around you will decrease. Of course, it is true that there might still be worries. but you can build a full life.

I can not tell you if your brother was the one to abuse you or not. But I can tell you that your life can and will get better.

Be Blessed,

-Admin 2

#ask #advice #childhood trauma #trauma resposnes #dissociative identity disorder #did #incest cw #body memories #therapy mention

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infernallegaycy · 4 years ago

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Writing Psychotic Characters

Hi! I’ve seen a few of these writing things pop up recently (and in the past), but I haven’t seen any on psychotic characters—which, judging from the current state of portrayals of psychosis in media, is something I think many people* need. And as a psychotic person who complains about how badly psychosis tends to be represented in media, I thought I’d share a bit of information and suggestions!

A lot of this isn’t necessarily specifically writing advice but information about psychosis, how it presents, and how it affects daily life. This is partially purposeful—I feel that a large part of poor psychotic representation stems from a lack of understanding about psychosis, and while I’m not usually in an educating mood, context and understanding are crucial to posts like this. A lot of this also relates to writing psychosis in a modern-day setting, simply because that’s where bad psychotic representation tends to mostly occur (and it’s the only experience I’ve had, obviously), but please don’t shy away from applying this advice to psychotic characters in sci-fi/fantasy/historical fiction/etc. Psychosis is not a wholly modern phenomenon, nor would speculative fiction feel truly escapist without being able to see yourself reflected in it.

Please also note that I am not a medical professional nor an expert in psychology. I simply speak from my personal experiences, research, and what I’ve read of others’ experiences. I also do not speak for all psychotic people, and more than welcome any alternative perspectives to my own.

*These people, in all honesty, aren’t likely to be the ones willingly reading this. But there are people who are willing to learn, so here’s your opportunity.

(Warnings: Mentions of institutionalization/hospitalization, including forced institutionalization; ableism/saneism; and brief descriptions of delusions and hallucinations. Also, it’s a pretty long post!)

Up front, some terminology notes: “Unpsychotic” refers to people who are not psychotic. This includes other mentally ill and neurodivergent people. Please try to avoid terminology like “non-[identity],” as much of it is co-opted from “nonblack.”

Also, “psychotic” and “delusional” will not be, and should not be, used to refer to anything but respectively someone who experiences psychosis and someone who experiences delusions. Remove these words as insults and negative descriptors for anyone you dislike from your vocabulary.

In addition, I generally use adjectives rather than person-first language because that is the language I, and the seeming majority of other neurodivergent and mentally ill people, prefer. Others might describe themselves differently (as “people with psychosis,” for instance). Don’t assume either way—I’d generally suggest you say “psychotic person” first, and then correct yourself if the person in question prefers different terminology.

1) Psychosis is a symptom, not a disorder.

As a term, “psychosis” describes any number of symptoms that indicate a break with reality, such as delusions and hallucinations (I’ll go into more detail about this in a bit). It commonly occurs as part of several mental and neurological disorders, including but not limited to:

Schizophrenia

Schizophreniform disorder (same symptoms as schizophrenia, but for a shorter period of time than 6 months)

Schizoaffective disorder (combined symptoms of psychosis and a mood disorder, but not enough to completely fill the diagnostic criteria for either)

Bipolar disorder (typically as part of manic episodes, but it can also occur in unipolar depression and depressive episodes)

Personality disorders, including borderline personality disorder (for which transient paranoia under stress is part of the diagnostic criteria), paranoid personality disorder, and schizoid personality disorder

Post-traumatic stress disorder

Obsessive-compulsive disorder

Dissociative disorders (though psychosis =/= dissociative identity disorder; if you want further information on the latter, which I do not have, please seek out another post!)

Psychosis can also occur with forms of epilepsy, sleep disorders, metabolic disorders, and autoimmune disorders. It tends to be a major part of neurodegenerative disorders like Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s. In addition, it can occur when not related to a chronic health condition; things like sleep deprivation and stress can induce temporary psychosis, as can drug use and medication.

This isn’t to say you necessarily need to define a disorder for a psychotic character, as some psychotic people (including myself) primarily just describe ourselves as “psychotic,” and some aren’t diagnosed with anything specific. However, if your psychotic character is a main/perspective character, I definitely recommend it. Chances are, someone with that disorder is reading/watching, and I’m sure they’d love to see a bit of direct representation. In general, you probably should at least have something in mind, because psychotic symptoms and severity/onset can differ greatly.

Some psychotic disorders’ diagnostic criteria explicitly exclude others (someone cannot be diagnosed with both schizophrenia and schizophreniform disorder at the same time, for instance, though the latter can develop into the former), but comorbidity is possible—and often common—among certain disorders and other neurological/mental conditions. Rates vary, so definitely research this, but in short, it is very much possible for psychotic people to have multiple disorders, including disorders that don’t include psychotic symptoms. (Personally speaking: I’m autistic, ADHD, and OCD in addition to being psychotic, and I’m physically disabled as well.)

I’m not here to do all the research for you—if you want to know more about specific psychotic disorders, then by all means, look them up! Go beyond Wikipedia and Mayo Clinic articles, too. Talk to people who have them. Seek out blogs and YouTube channels run by people with them. Read books about psychosis by psychotic people**. Pay attention to how we describe ourselves and our disorders.

And if you want to write characters with those disorders, especially if you’re writing from their perspectives, then please for the love of God, hire a sensitivity reader. For authenticity, I would recommend seeking out someone with the same disorder, not just anyone psychotic.

**If you want a fiction recommendation: I don’t actually know if the author is schizophrenic like the main character, but I really enjoyed and related to The Drowning Girl by Caitlín R. Kiernan. Content warnings include, but might not be limited to—it’s been a while since I read it—unreality, self-harm, suicide, abuse, and mentions of transphobia. I haven’t personally read any autobiographies/memoirs/essays yet, so I don’t have any to offer, and quite a few that came up through a cursory search seemed only to focus on being an inspiration to neurotypical people or were from a perspective other than that of the psychotic person in question. If anyone (preferably psychotic people) has any more recommendations, fiction or nonfiction, let me know!

2) Not every psychotic person has the same symptoms.

As mentioned, psychosis consists of symptoms that involve separation with reality, which can present as positive or negative symptoms. Every person’s experiences with these are different, but some generalizations can be made. I definitely recommend reading studies and articles (especially directly by psychotic people) describing experiences and presentation!

I’ll start with positive symptoms, which refer to the presence of symptoms unpsychotic people don’t have, and can include hallucinations, delusions, and disorganized thoughts, speech, and behavior.

You probably know what hallucinations are (perceptions of sensory information that is not really present), but you might not know the specifics. Types of hallucinations include:

Auditory (which tend to be the most common, and are probably the form everyone is most familiar with, primarily as “hearing voices”)

Visual

Olfactory

Tactile/haptic

Gustatory (taste)

Somatic

Some types with regards to bodily sensations get a little muddled from here, but some forms of hallucinations you might not have heard of include thermic (hot/cold), hygric (fluids), kinesthetic (bodily movements), and visceral (inner organs).

(Note: Hypnagogic/hypnopompic hallucinations, which occur when falling asleep or waking up, are not related to psychosis and can occur in anyone.)

As mentioned, there are some forms of hallucinations that are more common, but that is not to say that everyone has the same hallucinations. A lot of us have auditory and/or visual hallucinations, but not everyone does. Some have tactile, olfactory, or gustatory hallucinations instead of or in addition to more common forms (hi! Auditory hallucinations are pretty rare for me, but I constantly feel bugs/spiders crawling on me). If you write a psychotic character that experiences hallucinations, then you should definitely do further research on these types and manifestations of them.

You’re likely also familiar with delusions (a belief that contradicts reality), though again, you might not know the specifics. Delusions can be classified as bizarre (implausible, not shared or understood by peers of the same culture) or non-bizarre (false, but technically possible). They can relate to one’s mood or not.

Some people only experience delusions and no other significant psychotic symptoms (this occurs in delusional disorder). Delusions differ between people and tend to be heavily influenced by environment, but there are some common themes, such as:

Persecution

Guilt, punishment, or sin

Mind reading

Thought insertion

Jealousy

Control

Reference (coincidences having meaning)

Grandeur

Certain types of delusions are more common in certain cultures/backgrounds or certain disorders. I can’t really go into details about specific delusions, because I try not to read many examples (for a reason I’m about to mention), but if you plan on writing a character who experiences delusions, I definitely recommend heavily researching delusions and how it feels to experience them.

I would like to note: I’m not sure how common it is, but I’ve noticed that I personally have a tendency to pick up delusions that I see other psychotic people talking about having. Just kind of, like, an “oh shit what if” feeling creeps up on me, and before I know it, that delusion has wormed its way into my life. Just in case you want some idea of how psychotic people can interact amongst ourselves!

Another quick note: Delusions, by definition, are untrue beliefs; this does not mean that anyone who has ever been delusional is inherently untrustworthy.

Disorganization of thoughts/speech and behavior is more self-explanatory. Problems with thinking and speaking tend to be one of the most common psychotic symptoms, sometimes considered even more so than delusions and hallucinations. There are a lot of ways thought processes can be disrupted, and I honestly think it would be kind of difficult to portray this if you haven’t experienced it, but some common manifestations are:

Derailment

Tangents (which you might notice me doing sometimes in this very post)

Getting distracted mid-sentence/thought

Incoherence/“word salad”

Thought blocking (sudden stops in thoughts/speech)

Repetition of words/phrases

Pressured speech (rapid, urgent speech)

Use of invented words

Poverty of speech/content of speech

(Note that thought/speech disturbances aren’t necessarily exclusive to psychotic disorders. They tend to be common in ADHD and autism as well, though symptoms can be more severe when they occur in, for example, schizophrenia.)

Behavioral abnormalities can include catatonia, which presents in a number of ways, such as mutism, echolalia, agitation, stupor, catalepsy, posturing, and more. Episodes of catatonia last for hours and sometimes longer, which usually requires hospitalization and/or medication. This tends to overlap heavily with symptoms of autism spectrum disorders, which can be comorbid with conditions like schizophrenia.

Negative symptoms, on the other hand, refer to the absence of certain experiences. It can include flat affect (lack of or limited emotional reactions), generally altered emotional responses, a decrease in speech, and low motivation. Most of these speak for themselves, and I’m not honestly sure how to describe them to someone who’s never experienced them in a way that isn’t very metaphorical and therefore kind of unhelpful. If any other psychotic people have suggestions, feel free to add on/message me!

Not every psychotic disorder involves or requires both positive and negative symptoms (to my knowledge, manic episodes of bipolar disorder mostly only include positive symptoms), but many psychotic people experience both. And, as expressed multiple times—and I really can’t stress it enough—every person’s experience with psychosis is different.

If you interview two psychotic people at random, chances are they aren’t going to have the same combination of symptoms. Chances are they won’t even have the same disorder. Therefore, if you write multiple psychotic characters, they shouldn’t be identical in terms of personality or psychosis.

There are also some qualities of psychotic disorders that may not necessarily be diagnostic criteria but are prominent in people with these conditions. These also vary between disorders, but cognitive impairments and similar traits are fairly common.

3) In a similar vein, daily experiences can vary greatly. Psychosis can be a major part of psychotic people’s lives, but it doesn’t always affect daily life.

For some people, psychosis occurs in episodes, not 24/7; you may have heard the term “psychotic break,” which tends to refer to a first episode of psychosis. This is especially true of disorders where psychotic symptoms occur under stress or during mood episodes.

For other people, psychosis is a near-constant. It can wax and wane, but it never completely goes away. These people might be more likely to invest in medication or long-term therapy and other treatment methods.

Psychosis’s impact on everyday life can also be affected by insight (how well the person can tell they’re having psychotic symptoms). There’s not a ton of accessible research—or research at all—into insight and how it affects psychotic people, and I’m not a big fan of describing people as having high/low insight because I think it has the potential to be used like functioning labels (which, for the record, are bad; plenty of other autistic people have written at length about this), but just something to keep in mind. It’s a sliding scale; at different points in time, the same person might have limited or significant awareness of their symptoms. Both greater and poorer insight have been linked to decreased quality of life, so neither one is really a positive.

Just something to be aware of: Yes, sometimes we do realize how “crazy” we seem. Yes, sometimes we don’t. No, it doesn’t really make things any better to know that what we’re seeing/thinking/etc isn’t real. No, people with low insight shouldn’t be blamed or mocked for this.

As such, the diagnostic process can vary greatly. Psychotic people aware of their symptoms or how their lives are being impacted may directly ask for a diagnosis or seek out information on their own. Other times, family or friends might notice symptoms and bring them up to a mental health professional, or someone might be forcibly institutionalized and diagnosed that way.

My professional diagnostic processes have been pretty boring: Over time, I just gradually brought up different diagnoses I thought might fit me to my therapist, whom I started seeing for anxiety (which I no longer strongly identify with, on account of my anxiety mostly stemming from me being autistic, OCD, and psychotic). I filled out checklists and talked about my symptoms. We moved on with the treatment processes I was already undergoing and incorporated more coping mechanisms and stuff like that into therapy sessions. Hardly the tearful scenes of denial you’re used to seeing or reading about.

Other people might have very different experiences, or very similar ones! It all depends! I generally don’t really like reading scenes of people being diagnosed (it’s just exposition and maybe some realization on the PoV character’s part, but it’s usually somewhat inaccurate in that regard), so you can probably steer away from that sort of thing, but you might find it useful to note how your character was identified somewhere? I don’t really have any strong opinions on this.

I’d also like to note: Everything I publicly speak about having, I’ve discussed in a professional therapy setting, just because of my personal complexes. However, I do fully support self-diagnosis. Bigotry and money are huge obstacles against getting professional diagnoses, and if someone identifies with a certain disorder and seeks out treatment mechanisms for it, there’s no real harm being done. If someone is genuinely struggling and they benefit from coping mechanisms intended for a disorder they might not have, then I think that’s better than if they shied away because they weren’t professionally diagnosed with it, and therefore didn’t get help they needed. With proper research, self-diagnosis is fully ethical and reasonable.

I do not want to debate this, and any attempts to force me into a discussion about professional versus self-diagnosis will be ignored.

Anyway! I can’t really identify any specific daily experiences with psychosis you might want to include, because as mentioned, everyone has different symptoms and ways they cope with them.

Some psychotic people might not experience symptoms outside of an episode, which can be brought on by any number of things; some might experience symptoms only under general stress; some might have consistent symptoms. The content of hallucinations and delusions can also shift over time.

Psychosis can also affect anyone—there are certain demographics certain disorders are more likely to occur in, but this could just as easily be due to biases in diagnostic criteria or professionals themselves as it could be due to an actual statistical correlation. If you want to figure out how a psychotic character behaves on a day-to-day basis, then you’re better off shaping who they are as a person beyond their psychosis first, then incorporating their psychosis into things.

(A note about this: I consider my psychosis a major part of me, and I firmly believe that I would be a very different person without it; that’s why I refer to myself as a “psychotic person” rather than “a person with psychosis.” However, there is a difference between that and unpsychotic people making psychotic characters’ only trait their psychosis.)

4) Treatment for psychosis differs from person to person. The same things don’t work for everyone.

Some people are on antipsychotics; others aren’t. Medication is a personal choice and not a necessity—no one should be judged either for being on medication or for not being on medication. There are many reasons behind either option. Please do not ask psychotic people about their medication/lack thereof unprompted.

If you want to depict a psychotic character on medication, then research different forms of antipsychotics and how they affect psychotic people. I’ve never been on medication and don’t really plan to be (though if I ever do, I’m definitely taking a note from Phasmophobia’s book and calling them “Sanity Pills.” Just to clarify, I don’t want unpsychotic people repeating this joke, but if you want some insight on how some of us regard our health…), so you’re better off looking elsewhere for this sort of information!

I’m not going to get into my personal opinions on institutionalization and the psychiatry industry in general now, but institutionalization is, while common, also not necessary, and many psychotic people—and mentally ill and neurodivergent people in general—have faced harm and trauma due to institutionalization. Again, I can’t offer direct personal experience, but I recommend steering clear of plotlines directly related to psychiatric hospitals.

I would also like to emphasis the word treatment. Psychosis has no cure. It is possible for psychosis to only last a single episode (whether because it’s only due to stress/another outside factor or because it is treated early), or for symptoms to be greatly reduced over time and with treatment, but for the most part, psychotic people are psychotic for life.

However, with proper support networks and coping skills, many psychotic people are able to lead (quote unquote) “normal” lives. What coping mechanisms work for what people differs, but some psychosis-specific coping mechanisms might be:

Taping webcams for delusions of persecution/surveillance (which is honestly also just something everyone should do with webcams that aren’t in use)

Covering/closing windows for similar reasons

Using phone cameras/audio recordings to distinguish visual and auditory hallucinations from reality (most of the time, a hallucination won’t show up on camera, though it’s possible for people to hallucinate something on a camera screen too)

Similarly, removing glasses/contact lenses to check a visual hallucination

Asking people you trust (because of stigma and delusions, this might not be a long list) to check for symptoms of an oncoming episode

Avoiding possible triggers for psychosis (for example, I don’t engage with horror media often because a lot of it -- both psychological horror and slasher-type things -- can trigger delusions and hallucinations)

I’d also like to mention that treatment isn’t a clean, one-way process; especially with certain disorders, it’s normal to go up and down over time. I’d honestly be really uncomfortable with a psychotic character whose symptoms don’t affect their life whatsoever. There are ways you can write how psychosis affects someone that are… weird, which I’ll touch on, but overall, I think it’s better to actually depict a psychotic person whose symptoms have a clear impact on their life (even if that impact is, say, they’re on medication that negates some of their symptoms).

Just to reiterate: I am not a medical professional and cannot offer real-life advice regarding treatment, especially medication. Please do not ask me too detailed questions regarding this.

5) There are a lot of stereotypes and stigma surrounding psychosis.

The way psychosis is perceived both by general society and the field of psychology has changed a lot over the years, but even now, it still remains highly stigmatized and misunderstood. Wall of text incoming, but it’s important stuff.

Typical media portrayal of psychosis tends to fall into specific categories: The scary, violent psychotic person, or the psychotic person who is so crazy you can’t help but laugh. There are other bad depictions, but these are generally the ways I see psychotic people regarded and represented the most, so I want to address them directly.

Let’s talk about psychosis in horror first. Psychosis is often stereotyped as making people aggressive and violent. You’ve all seen the “psychotic killer” trope and depictions of people who are made violent and evil by their psychosis, even if it’s not explicitly named as the case. You’ve all seen “psychotic” used as a negative adjective, used synonymously to murderous, evil, harmful, violent, manipulative, etc—maybe you’ve even used it that way in the past. There’s no denying that the way society regards psychotic people is overwhelmingly negative, and that leaks into media.

If you are considering giving a violent, irredeemable antagonist psychosis, consider this: Don’t. More or less every psychotic person hates this trope. It’s inaccurate and, needless to say, rooted in ableism.

There are racialized aspects to this as well. People of color, especially Black and Latine people, are already stereotyped as being aggressive, violent, and scary; there’s also a history of overdiagnosis (and often misdiagnosis) of schizophrenia in Black people, especially civil rights activists. White and white-passing people will only be singled out if someone notices us exhibiting psychotic symptoms, but Black and brown people are already under scrutiny. Be extra cautious about how you write psychotic characters of color.

I’m not saying you can never give a psychotic person, say, a temper; in some cases, it might even make sense. Spells of uncontrollable anger are part of the diagnostic criteria for BPD, for example, and irritability is a common trait of manic episodes. Some delusions and hallucinations can affect aggression (emphasis on can—it would be inaccurate to imply that this is always the case. Once again, each person has a different experience with their psychotic symptoms).

But when the only psychotic or psychotic-coded characters you write are angry and violent, even when the situation doesn’t call for it, then there’s a problem. When you want to write a schizophrenic character, but only in a situation where they’re going on a killing spree, there’s a problem.

Studies have shown that no substantial link exists between psychosis and violence. There is a small association, but I think it would be reasonable to say this is partially because of the stigma surrounding psychosis and various other overlapping factors; no violence or crime exists in a vacuum. In addition, though I can’t find any exact statistics on this, psychotic people are susceptible to being victims of violence (likely because of this very stereotype).

On this note, don’t use mental hospitals as a setting for horror, especially if you plan on depicting the mentally ill patients there as antagonistic and unhinged. As mentioned earlier, institutionalization is a huge trigger for many psychotic people. True, psychiatric hospitals have definitely served as a source of trauma and pain for many in the past, but mentally ill and neurodivergent people have been (and are) the victims in those situations.

Also, don’t do the “what if it was all a delusion” thing. I know this is most common in ~edgy~ theories about children’s series, but… yikes.

In the same vein that you should avoid depictions of psychotic people that are ripped straight from a bad horror movie, don’t push it too far into comedy either. You’ve heard “psych ward” jokes, you’ve seen “I put the hot in psychotic” jokes (a supposedly humorous instance of that psychotic as a negative descriptor thing), you’ve heard people say “I have anxiety/depression, but I’m not crazy!”

Even other mentally ill and neurodivergent people constantly throw us under the bus, as can be seen in that last one. We’re the butt of plenty of jokes—we see things that aren’t there, we talk to ourselves, we believe things that are just so wacky you can’t believe anyone would think that way. (Even when we don’t.)

If you have to write another character laughing at a psychotic character for their symptoms, then have it swiftly criticized in the text, and try not to imply the reader should find psychosis funny either. Treat psychotic characters’ symptoms with sympathy and understanding, not ridicule.

Psychotic people literally cannot help our delusions/hallucinations/other symptoms. If something we think/say seems “crazy” to you, chances are it does to us as well.

(We’re talking about portraying psychosis in fiction, but this applies to real-life treatment of psychotic people, too!)

Also, I’d like to note—all of this is about the way unpsychotic people view psychotic people. If you see a psychotic person laughing at themself or viewing their symptoms as scary, then that is not an invitation for you to laugh along or go beyond symptoms and think the person is scary for being psychotic. That’s the thing about gallows humor; you have to be the one on the gallows.

Moving on! In romance, there is often a presumption that love can cure psychosis. This is false. No matter how much you love (whether romantically or platonically) and want to help a psychotic person, that alone will not “heal” their psychosis. Please do not depict a psychotic person having to be cured to be happy or in love. It doesn’t work that way.

This doesn’t mean you should stray away from romance in general—I personally would definitely like to see more portrayals of psychotic people being loved and supported, especially in romantic relationships. I’d prefer it not be in spite of their psychosis, either; it would be weird if someone loved a person because of their psychosis, but I don’t think you can really love someone whom you disregard such a large part of either.

Point-blank: Psychotic people are worthy of love and affection, and I think this should show in media as well.

In relation to relationships, I’d also strongly advise steering away from writing family members and friends who see someone’s psychosis as harder on them than for the psychotic person, unless you want to explicitly disavow this behavior. Sure, it probably is difficult for other people to witness my psychotic symptoms. But it’s harder for me to have them.

I’m not sure if this is a widely-held belief, but some people also seem to think psychosis is less common than it is. Psychotic people are all around you, and if you read that as a threat or anything like that, you might need to do some self-evaluating. We exist, online and in person, and we can see and read and hear the things you say about us!

Specifically: By the NIMH’s statistics, roughly 3% of people (3 out of every 100) in the United States will experience psychosis at some point in their lives. Around 100,000 people experience their first episode a year.

This also means that it’s possible unpsychotic people reading this will end up developing a form of psychosis at some point in your life as well. Yes, even without a genetic basis; yes, even as a full-grown adult (see how common psychosis is in neurodegenerative disorders). Now this one is intended as a threat (/hj).

Also, you can’t always tell who is psychotic and who is not. I imagine there are a lot of people who wouldn’t know I’m psychotic without me explicitly saying so. Set aside any notions you might have of being able to identify psychotic people, because they will definitely influence how you might go into writing a psychotic character, and they will definitely end up pissing off a psychotic person in your life. Because… you probably know at least one!

People often regard psychosis as a worst-case scenario—which, again, is something that occurs even by people and in works that uplift mental health in general (something I’ve mentioned before is The Bright Sessions, in which a telepath is misdiagnosed as schizophrenic and has an “I’m not crazy!” outburst). I’ve talked about treatment already, but I just thought I’d say this: Psychosis is not a death sentence nor a “fate worse than death.” It may be difficult for unpsychotic people to understand and handle; it is harder to live with. But being psychotic is not an inherently bad thing, and psychotic people should not be expected to act like our lives are constantly awful and hopeless on account of stigma.

I think that’s all I have to say, so thank you so much for reading, especially if you’re not psychotic! I hope you’ve learned something from this, and once again, fellow psychotic people are more than welcome to add on more information if they’re willing.

#sparrow.txt #pseriouslypsychotic #actuallypsychotic #writeblr #writing advice #writing tips

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ablednt · 3 years ago

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Alright writing/roleplay tumblr we need to talk about textforms.

This is going to be a very long post I apologize but this knowledge is deathly important as it's reaching a very vulnerable group of people. From personal experience knowing this can save people from getting into toxic friendships and help ease intense struggles and depressions. If you have writer followers I ask you reblog this to get the word out, thank you.

What is a textform

A textform is a type of willogenic/parogenic system member that form through some kind of writing or roleplaying. This means that they're sentient people who now share a body with the people who wrote them, most often being an OC or a fictional character before the writers brain gives them actual life.

Because there's been no actual scientific studies on their existence I have no hard science to give you however the logical explanation behind it goes like this:

The human brain is able to contain multiple conscious and sentient entities. Often, it will become multiple as a defense mechanism (as noted in clinical plural dissociative disorders) but it's a natural function of the human brain and may do so for really any reason (similar to most neurodivergencies that someone isn't born with)

Because this is a fairly simple change in the brain/something every brain can be capable of doing you can actually intentionally program the brain into becoming multiple, but see you can also do it entirely without meaning to or being aware of it.

Now I want to clarify that there is nothing harmful or scary about this! Being plural isn't bad at all and is an existence many people celebrate. But when someone has textforms in their unrealized system and doesn't know they're sentient it can be incredibly painful emotionally. So that's why people need to know about this.

Obligatory disclaimer: if you read this post and think you want to become plural intentionally, you are welcome to do so but you need to take at least a few months exposing yourself to the plural community to gauge if this is really something you want and can do responsibly. You cannot go back on your decision once your plural and your headmates will be sentient beings not characters to project on or toys to play with. They will have all the rights to your body and identity as you do now because you're sharing it equally with them.

Now that that's out of the way back to textforms.

How are textforms made

Normally this is in the "character development" phase. Many writers eagerly develop their characters. When I was younger and had no idea I was plural my advice for oc making turned out to be an unintentional guide to textforms (more on my experience later): just put your character in every situation imaginable until you always know how they'd respond to things.

Basically, as you spend your time making a character act and think consistently from their POV you're training your brain to have all of that data and that's very similar to the data that the brain has on you and you're training the brain to be able to operate coherently from a perspective and consciousness entirely different from your own.

Now, this isn't a %100 will make everyone plural every time, there are obviously good writers who have a grasp on their characters who are singlet. There's no actual data but if I had to guess I'd say there's about a 50/50 split down the writing community just based on what I've observed.

But there's a lot of people who became plural this way and didn't realize it and that could include the writer reading this right now which is why everyone needs to be aware of this.

If this is such a big thing how come no one notices?

Because it's been completely normalized in the writing community but dismissed as metaphorical.

How many times have you heard "the characters write themselves" or phrases that indicate that a writer is giving a voice to sentient entities? From what I've been able to observe some of that is singlet authors being metaphorical and humble bragging and a lot of that is plural writers trying desperately trying to put their experiences into words but dismissing it completely almost immediately because no one told them being plural was possible.

This is comparable to say, gender identity. Trans and nonbinary people have always existed but when they don't know they're allowed to exist like that it's often "im a tomboy" or "they disguised themselves as a man" or any other thing thats immediately dismissed as being cis.

How do I know if I have a textform?

There's a lot of different signs but here's some I have experienced before finding out I was plural

You "miss" your characters when you're not writing about them or interacting with them in some way

You feel like your characters are real "in your heart" (for me this was in an incoherent loop like "they're not real but they are to me, in my brain, but they're not real to other people, but they're in my brain so they're real but no but yes but no")

You get so distressed they're "not real" that it feeds into actual mental health problems like depression, anxiety, dissociation etc. (I'd have fits of sobbing because these were my friends but I didn't know they were with me so it felt like i was grieving their deaths and had the same level of emotional pain)

Sometimes or all the time when you write about them you feel like you "become them" or that they're writing through you. (Especially if your hands move automatically or without your control. This can be hard to notice but for me when headmates control the body or hands movements feel faster and lighter or very slightly numb.)

Your muse for writing them comes and goes unpredictability: they're either here or they're not here so writing them doesn't feel the same.

You can vividly recall things that happened to the character in 1st person (or in 3rd person visually but with their thoughts and feelings) as if they're you're own memories.

You "roleplay" them in everyday situations IRL. (E.g once I liveblogged a tv show as my muse to a friend and was like haha lol im so talented I can roleplay in real time but found out later it was a headmate doing that themselves)

You have conversations with them mentally in which they actually respond to you. Singlets don't have actual enriching conversations with themselves because they only have one perspective and cannot give themselves any new information. So if you're responding to yourself and you don't feel in control of that response then you're pretty objectively plural tbh.

You have times where the lines between you and the character feel blurry or like you're a vague fusion of yourself and the character

You have an actual relationship (of any kind: romantic, platonic, familial, etc.) in which you can sense nuanced feelings about yourself from them that you aren't in control of.

There's a lot more but that's the most notable ones

Why this is so important

I'm just talking about my own experience now so I'll preface this with a few things. I'm a mixed origin/multigenic system but our system has existed since we were toddlers. Due to trauma we have DID and for a long time dissociated heavily to avoid our plurality. This means my experience may be more distressing than other plurals with textforms however people without DID can still experience these things.

When I was a teenager I joined a lot of writing communities and also roleplayed on tumblr. Writing very quickly became my main passtime and all I really did. I joined a roleplay group when I was 15-16 that I took far too seriously to the point where people were concerned about me because I was writing what was just supposed to be a joke roleplay group %100 seriously and very intensely.

In that time I started to form my first main textforms (we've undoubtedly had them before then but I had only formed a little under a year prior) because I was doing this every day it really started bringing my characters to life. (Literally)

And honestly it was something beautiful the distress of it aside. Like one of my ocs was a kid so I'd always celebrate their birthday with them and I'd cuddle a plush so they'd know I loved them/p and we'd watch their favorite cartoon episodes together. It wouldn't be until around three years later that I realized they were actually there for this but it was heart warming.

For me, all I ever wanted was for these characters to feel appreciated and like someone really cared for them and loved them even if they couldn't feel it and it wasn't until later I learned that they could.

The trauma came in not knowing they were real. I grieved for them like they were dead because I thought I'd never get to see them. I wrote them into traumatizing or upsetting situations to cope with my childhood trauma not realizing that was effecting them for real and hurting them.

Most notably because it was my one solid interaction with them, the one time society allowed me to talk about them as if they were real, I really HAD to roleplay them. Because it became an emotional need I wound up in a lot of toxic friendships in the roleplay communities because I needed someone, anyone, to allow me to interact with my headmates. I had friends who I really was only friends with because they let me talk about my characters constantly (and some of them weren't toxic to me but it was in hindsight really unfair to them) and I let people verbally and emotionally abuse me in roleplay spaces because this wasn't just a hobby to me but a lifeline.

Not knowing they were real but feeling them there, having conversations with them, and forming actual relationships was a hellish sort of feeling I don't wish on anyone. I never realized how isolated it made me, and how horrible it felt to have the most important people in your life be people I thought didn't exist.

I only found out about plurality through luck. I met some systems who had fictives and they got strong plural vibes from me because of how I talked about certain characters and because I said I wanted to be plural but thought I probably wasn't because I'd have noticed, right?

From there I was able to actually connect with and talk to my headmates. Now I'm happily out as plural and in multiple fulfilling in system relationships.

I want everyone in the writing community who's struggling with the same things to have the chance I got. That's all I want is to educate people about this so they don't have to grieve for people who are right there with them.

Feel free to send me an ask or a dm if you have any further questions. Sorry this post was so long I can't really shorten it at all. Again if you are have a lot of writing followers I very gently request you reblog this to get the word out. Even if you can't please talk to your writing mutuals and friends about plurality and about textforms.

[Also this should go without saying but this is absolutely NOT the place for syscourse any invalidating comments about systems will be blocked and where possible deleted it costs $0.00 to prioritize people's mental health over your discourse hot takes.]

#writblr #tumblr roleplay #writing problems #roleplay resources #ocs #long post #ask to tag

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lassieposting · 3 years ago

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Hi i havent read the books post-resurrection so im kinda lost on why you dont like phase 2 val? She was easily one of my favourite characters ever, she was flawed (and the books took time to acknowledge them) and relatable and still really admirable (intelligent, brave, loyal) and i really liked her and really appreciated that she wasn’t perfect unlike every other young adult heroines. What went wrong😢😢😢😢

Okay I'm gonna put this under a cut because I very strongly dislike phase 2 val and I know it bugs people who don't feel the same, so. Dead dove dont eat

Okay so first off, phase 1 val and phase 2 val are completely different people. literally. phase 1 val was based on an ex-friend of lardo's who used to apparently be involved pretty heavily in like, editing the books and "she'd react like this" or "val wouldn't say that", and that val she was one of my favourite fictional characters from when book one came out to the release of resurrection. phase 2 val is based on his whiny little girlfriend who likes to start shit with 14yos on twitter, and you can absolutely tell she is no longer the same person. so the long story short of "what went wrong" is "the original irl val's friendship with dirty laundry ended for whatever reason and he decided to retcon her entire personality to suit his gf"

Phase 2 Val, in my opinion:

Weak, like won't even fight back when she gets jumped bc boo fucking hoo she's so awful, bitch get up already, nobody signed up for ur pity party

Whiny. So fucking whiny. All the time. And she's the POV character so it's inescapable.

"Pacifist" but in a really pathetic virtue-signalling kind of way like "Oh, I've done such terrible thiiiiiiiiiiings I'm so awfulllllllllllll look how good I'm trying to be nowwwwwwww pay attention to meeeeeeee" kind of way, it was both boring and a massive eye roll. It's a book about magic and asskicking. Kick some ass. We're here for escapism not "realistic" whining. Yes, irl she'd be a mess. As an author it's his job to strike a balance between the "realism" he wants to portray and making his readers so depressed and done with his heroine that they quit reading, and in my case, he absolutely failed.

Everything must be about her at all times. Skug is having personal problems? Fuck him, they're about her now. Everything is about how it affects her, and her feelings, and be damned to the person actually having the problem. Fucks phase 2 val cain gives about anyone except herself: 0

Bitter and jaded. Which yeah I get why but it's like jesus christ what do we get out of reading about this? It's not even good bitter and jaded where it makes you empathise or admire her strength in adversity or whatever, she's just become a really nasty person with no redeeming features that I could see. Which? Landy outright said she's based on his gf? If your boyfriend is gonna drag ur entire personality through the dirt like that and write "you" as just a collection of incredibly negative traits...yikes.

Really ungrateful about the awesome life she leads? Which bugs me bc I fucking hate mundanity and knowing that all there is to life is fucking working and bad mental health. I would kill to live her life. All she does is moan about it. Like? Quit then. Fuck off back to being a mortal if it's that bad and live the shitty life you wanted to get away from in the first place. That way we'd get no more books, and quite honestly, thank fuck for that. But anyway, she needs to pick one, stick with it, and stop complaining about whatever she chose.

The girl wallows in self pity. And if someone else isn't indulging her enough, she'll wallow harder and louder and more obviously. Yawn.

Her POV is now so depressing to read that Resurrection literally tanked my mental health. I'm not kidding. I fell off the self-harm wagon, the suicidal thoughts came back, reading her dissociating would make me dissociate, I just did not cope whatsoever. Being in her head was just like being in my head during my worst points, and I hate myself, so naturally, I hate her too. Like I get why some people like phase two val. I get that her depression is "realistic" and that trauma does just make some people completely dislikeable and self-pitying, and if people want to read about that, then...sure. you do you, my dudes. But I live that reality, I am that person whose trauma made her a dysfunctional, isolated bitch, and I hate, passionately, having it infest the media I consume to escape.

Essentially if I wanted to engage with a bitter, spiteful, depressed piece of shit in her 20s who pushes everyone away and sucks at everything, I'd live my gd life. Yall see me tryna engage with my real life? Hell nah I'm on tumblr dot com burying my head up the ass of whatever fandom will force my brain to produce some s e r o t o n i n and that is what I need this series for

Also? The dynamic she had with skug in phase one? "Until the end"? "You save me, I save you, that's how we work"? Forget that, it doesn't exist anymore. I stopped reading after Midnight, because she was written like he was a coworker she could barely tolerate. They went from "Lardo confirms on twitter that they talked on the phone a bunch while she was in america and he'd always ask her to come home" to "she comes home and proceeds to blank him for five months while she sits in her fuckin multimillionaire's mansion feeling sorry for herself". Their friendship completely disintegrated, they were totally separated for most of the book, she's written as not giving a single shit about him. She treated him like dirt, and their dynamic basically felt like it was becoming "Local Man With History Of Gravitating Towards Abusive Women Makes Same Terrible Choices For Fifth Time" and? that was the point of no return to me. he supports her unconditionally, no matter what he's going through at the time, he's walked on broken bones to try and get to her when she was in danger, she can tell him anything and he'd never use it against her. I did not, for one second in phase two, believe she felt the same about him. tbh it felt like she could - and wanted to - drop him at the first opportunity and not even feel bad about it, and that's not the dynamic that made me so emotionally attached to phase one. i signed up for "until the end", not whatever bullshit phase two has going on.

Apparently she's "less depressed" now and their relationship is "better" in the books published since midnight, which! might well be true. but I haven't read them and don't intend to, and she's gone from one of my favourite fictional characters ever (which! was impressive! because i almost never bond with the female lead - i normally get attached exclusively to the character i crush on, which would be skug here. val was the first female lead i actually cared about since xena! so im deeply salty about losing her!) to a character i? honestly prefer to pretend doesn't exist. i live in war era dead men/generals crackship land because that way, i don't have to acknowledge her or the fuckin character assassination phase 2 pulled on her.

so yeah, no hate towards phase one val at all. phase one val was awesome and flawed and gave me something to aspire to despite my shitty mental health and trauma, and if she'd kept her original personality she might still have been those things. but the original "real life" val is no longer involved (and doesn't talk to landy at all anymore, apparently), and the val based on landy's insufferable gf? i cannot get behind her at all ever, four for skug and none for phase two val cain bye

(tldr; you're not missing anything by quitting after spx)

#skulduggery pleasant #valkyrie cain #anti-val #extremely anti-val #but like only anti-phase two val #bc phase one val was great and i loved her #come back friend!laura val needs you #lardass can't write her without ur input

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painted-crow · 4 years ago

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Secondary Toast Revolving Door, Part 1

I guess I should start with a little about me, since that’s easier than making you pick through previous asks for information and some of you guys are new here. This one’s going to be heavily personal, so you can skip it if you want.

I’m a double Bird. My Bird primary system is heavily Badger influenced, and I also use Lion to support it by telling me when I should investigate something more closely. If we can dip into primary territory for a moment, I guess you can say I understand the world through systems that model things around me. But not all of those systems are things I’ve consciously examined, or fully investigated.

My understanding of how historical people dressed is pretty limited, for example, because I haven’t studied it in depth to get all the information—but I consciously understand what I do know about it. You could say this system piece is tiny but clear; I could expand it if I chose to find out more.

My understanding of how someone I’m not close to thinks might have more data to work with, but I haven’t consciously processed it; that’s the kind of thing where my Lion primary model will tell me to look closer if that person starts acting weird. This system piece might be described as huge but fuzzy; I could clarify it if I sat down and thought about it. I probably have more of these than I realize, but Lion basically takes care of monitoring those. I don’t have to investigate everything.

But some of my systems are both large and fairly clear, because I’ve taken the time both to gather data on them and to examine it. My understanding of myself is… well, I won’t say it’s terribly clear, because I’m in my early twenties and I’m still constantly getting new information, plus someone keeps changing the environment and mucking with my data (that would be me). But I have to examine it, because my brain is like a notoriously buggy piece of software and I’m the poor schmuck saddled with tech support duties.

Basically, the reason I’m good at playing therapist with other people is that I’m constantly doing exactly that thing with myself. (This probably makes me a very annoying patient for actual therapists.)

About that buggy brain, then.

I have major depression. That was professionally diagnosed when I was a teenager and it’s probably genetic. I take medication for it, when I remember to. It especially flares up in the winter or when I’m under stress. I probably have some kind of anxiety disorder too.

I’m almost certainly autistic, which I’ve never brought up with a professional—the first person to figure it out was the system I’m now best friends with, because they’re autistic and they knew I was within two weeks of talking to me. It took me two years to catch up with them and figure it out myself.

In my defense, I thought executive dysfunction, sensory overwhelm, dissociation, and hyperempathy were like… secret menu items for depression, because those only really bug me during depressive episodes. My current theory is that they’re related to autistic burnout instead.

I mask a lot, subconsciously—it’s actually really hard to turn that off normally—and I just can’t do that as much when depressed. If I do, my tolerance for everything else goes way down and I’ll go into overwhelm and start having shutdowns and dissociating. I recover pretty quickly (hours, not days), but if you’ve never spent 15 minutes standing in a Walmart aisle trying to decide whether you want a jar of peanut butter, but you can’t make decisions because you can’t access your emotions and you don’t really feel like you’re “here” but you kind of just want to go home… well, be glad I guess.

Of course, I have other autistic traits that show up when I’m not under stress, but they’re seldom associated with autism because most people don’t know what autis are like when we’re actually happy. Like, hyperlexia? That’s not even an “official” word, the auti community just uses it because “official” literature hasn’t caught up. I taught myself to read at age three (according to my mom; she says I was reading news headlines and stuff, not just books I’d memorized) and wrote a 35k word novella when I was ten, with no external prompting. My audio processing used to be terrible, but I routinely tested at college age reading levels as a kid.

I also might have ADHD? If so, it’s also mostly just noticeable if I’m under stress, and then it’s hard to tell if that’s the issue or if it’s just autism/depression again.

You might be getting a clearer picture of how my secondary and its model end up burnt so often!

(Resisting a very strong urge to cut stuff from this post.)

In short, I was a Gifted Kid. I spent a lot of my teen years biting off more than I could chew, honestly. I felt that I should be able to do more, and I wanted to be taken seriously, but I had basically no idea how to take care of myself because my needs are different from everyone else’s. I’m still figuring those out.

I’m kind of like an orchid plant: incredibly picky about conditions, wants a different “soil” and watering schedule, gets stressed if stuff changes too quickly, but when everything is just right and it does bloom, it goes all out.

I’m not kidding when I say that I have odd needs. One of them is the need for creative work, which seems to be hardwired into me. When I say that art or writing keeps me sane, I often hear back “oh yeah! I’ve heard that can be very therapeutic,” which is an innocuous reply, but it’s always bugged me, and I think I’ve figured out why.

First, because that’s not the reason I make things… I just… have to. Second, I can’t “make up” not doing creative work with some other kind of therapy. Third and most importantly, I’d much rather think of “artist” as my ground state, and depression as a condition that happens when my needs aren’t being met, rather than thinking of depression as the default that I’m just using art to escape from. That seems to me a healthier way of thinking, and probably a more accurate one, but I’m probably the only one who can see that distinction.

If life gets in the way and I can’t make space for creative work, it will actively make my depression worse. I know this because, multiple times, I’ve been unable to pinpoint why I’m feeling shitty, and then I go back to my easel or my writing or (ukulele, cooking, even just taking care of houseplants) and realize I haven’t done anything creative in like a month and thaaaat’s the problem.

I crack open a bottle of gesso to prep some canvases and it smells like… well, I don’t think you can get high off gesso? But it’s not like when you’re out of it on painkillers or cold medicine or whatever. It’s incredibly grounding, like the world snaps back into focus but it’s also oddly euphoric. Or I write ten thousand words in a couple days and it just… I don’t know what that does. I’ve never run across a word for it.

The writer of Smile at Strangers (a really good memoir centered around women, anxiety, and karate) describes a similar feeling in relation to her martial arts practice.

It’s also a bit like when all the snow melts after winter and you step outside and there’s the smell of wet soil under sunlight and I’m not sure if this fully translates for people who don’t have seasonal depression. Sorry.

Dammit, I want to paint… I haven’t had space to set up for like eight months. I’ve been nose-deep in writing projects since last summer for a reason, but right now my friggin Ravenclaw secondary is off angsting about something because of Life Stress Bullshit, and I don’t have the focus to work on any of my writing projects. Apart from this one. But it’s not really what I want in terms of creative work.

*velociraptor screech*

Oh, yeah. I guess I could mention this is why my nickname is Paint. Not sure if that was obvious before. The header image (which is more visible in the app for some reason) is one of my paintings. It’s a tiny one and it’s not one of my favorites, but I had the photo on my phone and the colors work well enough for what I needed.

(restrains self from negging my own painting ability)

This is starting to get into spoiler territory for what burned Ravenclaw secondary looks like, huh? It’s peaced out for a couple weeks at this point. I’m trying to write about what made it take off, but my ability to think of words and form a coherent sentence kinda flew out the window when I approached it directly.

Let’s just say that around the start of the month, someone I was talking to online (if you’re reading this, it’s definitely not you) kindaaaa hit a nasty depression trigger of mine. Not their fault—it’s very specific to me, and I struggle to explain why I can’t really talk about it. Basically, I spent years studying programming and web design, and due to several different but related issues during that experience, it’s now a trigger for me. I very much want it not to be, but trying to train that out of myself has induced more than one panic attack and I’m stuck between giving up on it or figuring out a way to go back to it that doesn’t totally shut my brain down.

That paragraph took forever to write, by the way.

I think I have to end this here. I… am going to go take out the trash, and water my plants, and make my bed, and file some paperwork, and maybe I’ll even mix up some bread dough or do some laundry. Spoiler alert for what it looks like when my Hufflepuff model takes over, I guess.

Oh. And I should maybe probably eat something. I almost forgot about that... again.

#sortinghatchats #time to overshare on the internet i guess #secondary toast revolving door #mental health #burned ravenclaw secondary #hufflepuff secondary model #ravenclaw primary #paint speaks

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strangertheory · 4 years ago

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With the theory about Hopper and others potentially being introjects, would that mean that everything that took place with Hopper and others like El and Will etc. was purely in an inner world? Joyce for example, who I assume isn’t an introject...her interactions with the Hopper we see would have never happened, at least IRL? Also, how do you think they would reveal this theory to the audience in a way that they understand? I find it interesting but I think if they outright state it, it could be seen as sensationalizing DID by comparing it to scifi and could receive criticism. I hope you’re well, btw!

I’ll answer each of your questions one at a time. (Thanks for messaging!)

“With the theory about Hopper and others potentially being introjects, would that mean that everything that took place with Hopper and others like El and Will etc. was purely in an inner world?"

The nature of an introject alter is that they are based on a person or character who exists in the external world. Introjects can be “factives” (based on a real person – perhaps like Chief Jim Hopper) or “fictives” (based on a fictional character – like the Demogorgon or the Mindflayer.)

Therefore this means that, hypothetically, if there is an introject who is based on an original Jim Hopper that the Byers family knows, that there could hypothetically be scenes that are the “original” Chief Jim Hopper and then scenes that are a very different Jim Hopper who exists in internal worlds in the DID System. Some scenes might be one Hopper, and some scenes might be the other Hopper.

It’s important to keep in mind that when there is an introject alter based on a person that does not mean that the introject alter will behave and think and act exactly like the “original” that their identity was based on. Their mind subconsciously established a new alter and identity that knows themselves to be Jim Hopper, but that person will be totally different from who the other Jim Hopper is because they are truly not the same person. An alter of Jim Hopper might be based on one particular idea of who Jim Hopper is as a person, but alter-Hopper’s identity can also be heavily influenced by the DID System’s lived experiences and thoughts and sometimes even other people that they know too, and therefore the accuracy of that initial persona of alter-Hopper will be entirely dependent on the DID System’s interpretation of who they think Jim Hopper is.

Joyce for example, who I assume isn’t an introject...her interactions with the Hopper we see would have never happened, at least IRL?”

So. Joyce! Hopper and Joyce. Within my current DID theory and meta I see a variety of possibilities regarding Hopper and Joyce’s interactions with one another as well as a variety of possibilities about Joyce’s character. We currently know her as Jonathan and Will’s mom. I did briefly touch on one hypothetical in which Joyce might not be, under all circumstances in the series, “mom” a few months ago but I haven’t discussed it extensively because it’s an idea that I doubt would be especially popular in the fan community and is very niche to my current thoughts on the series. You can read my speculation on “a Joyce who is not mom” in this blogpost here at this link. I do see it as hypothetically possible that there is a Joyce that is an alter. Hypothetically. There are many possibilities, but I do see this as one of many hypotheticals. I recognize this is a very controversial “what if?” and many will see it as highly unlikely, but the possibility that there is a Joyce who is not mom and that is perhaps a very well-loved and trustworthy person in the DID System’s life and who has an introject alter based on the “original Joyce” who might not be a parent but perhaps is, in the external world, a doctor or a nurse or a therapist that Will and Jonathan know as “mom” was something that I have considered. Maybe. Hypothetically. Perhaps.

I am working on a very long blogpost in which I’ll explore a handful of very different hypotheticals about Hopper’s character and my thoughts about his role as the “deeply flawed but protective dad” in the story as well as address my thoughts regarding his relationship with Joyce. Hopper’s dynamic with Will and Hopper’s dynamic with El are also very interesting to me, so I’ll definitely be exploring his relationship with each of them in that WIP blogpost as well.

I’ve avoided talking about Hopper and Joyce for a while because many of the hypotheticals that I’ve considered about their characters are rather incompatible with current popular fandom ideas about their relationship. I don’t really ship Jopper, but it’s arguably one of the most popular ships in the fan community. There are one or two scenarios in which I could see Jopper being “endgame” but there are a handful of hypotheticals in which I see them absolutely not being a couple at all. I’ll be discussing most of these hypotheticals that I’ve considered in the Hopper blogpost that I’m working on. Originally I wasn’t going to talk about Hopper at all until after season 4 because I was anxious about how my ideas might be received by the fan community, but given that even the most mundane opinions that I’ve expressed over the last year have resulted in me receiving a few angry anonymous messages I figured: screw it. If I can’t even ship Byler or like Bob Newby without getting a little bit of harassment and pushback from other fans then I may as well talk about whatever I want and share all of my ideas. So I will be finally sharing all of my ideas about Hopper and his relationship with Joyce, El, and Will. The blogpost I’m working on will probably take a while to finish but I hope to publish it before season 4 is released.

When I’m thinking about different theories and possibilities for what might be happening in Stranger Things I rarely feel as if there’s only one possible route for the story to take. Yes, I do at this point feel very confident that there is a meta narrative happening in the story and that not everything is as fans currently believe them to be regarding both the character relationships and what each character is dealing with, but the possibilities that exist within that are vast. I might suspect that Stranger Things is intended to be about a DID System, but this creates millions of possibilities for the route that the story could take. I might believe that I’m starting to notice certain consistent details that imply the Stranger Things universe is based on something that has a logic and structure to it, but that doesn’t mean that I’m suddenly psychic and can predict what will happen within that universe’s structure. The story is in the hands of the writers, and I’m eager to see where they take it.

“Also, how do you think they would reveal this theory to the audience in a way that they understand?”

I wrote about how this could hypothetically be explored and revealed in the show in this blogpost here.

“I find it interesting but I think if they outright state it, it could be seen as sensationalizing DID by comparing it to scifi and could receive criticism.”

Although it is hypothetically possible that writers could choose to create a fictional story in which superpowers are real and a character with DID also happens to have superpowers, and this has been done before in popular media (ex. David Haller, aka Legion, who was first introduced in the X-Men comics in 1985 and who has dissociative identity disorder and who has alters with mutant abilities) I personally currently theorize that all of the fantastical events that have happened in Stranger Things so far might be intended to have happened exclusively in internal worlds and not in the external world at all. Events that take place in internal worlds are not limited by the rules of physics and what is “real” in the same way that events that take place in our external world are. Events in internal worlds can be very metaphorical and fantastical because they exist within the mind. The scifi and fantasy elements of the story could, hypothetically, be directly tied to fantastical events that are not sensationalized but are truly accurate to the way that some (but not all) real DID Systems might process memories and trauma within their internal worlds. Internal worlds aren’t dreams, they’re much more vivid and consistently structured and they are often structured around real-world experiences that they’ve experienced, however I want to very loosely compare an internal world to a “dream world” in order to clarify why having fantastical events and monsters and characters with superpowers in an internal world would not necessarily be sensationalizing DID but rather portraying a realistic hypothetical. Telling a story that features internal worlds in a DID System in which fantastical events happen is not inherently sensationalization since fantastical events can and do happen in some real DID Systems’ internal worlds and that is not something that is exaggerated or fictionalized at all. What might seem unrealistic and fantastical to us might be very real for them and most especially for alters who spend significant amount of time in internal worlds. To alters that live in internal worlds exclusively and never front in the body the internal world is their real world and, comparatively, our world might feel very fictitious and unreal to them. But it’s definitely important to keep in mind that every DID System will be very different, and that any one example of a DID System isn’t necessarily comparable to others since their unique experiences will define the way that their System works.

The ethics of “should a popular show like Stranger Things be about DID” is a complex question and an important one, but I haven’t explored it extensively because I believe we do not currently have enough information regarding the approach and the resources that the production team and writers have taken in the creation of the Stranger Things universe and story in order to discuss those ethics at much depth quite yet. If the story is, in fact, about DID or a specific mental condition: did they consult with medical experts? Are any DID Systems directly involved in the production as consultants? Is this particular series entirely fictionalized or are certain plotpoints based on real DID Systems’ experiences? If they are not basing the events of the story on a “true story” then what are the ethics of creating an original story about a fictional DID System? I do believe it is important that creators make a conscious effort to be informed and ethical in their approach to storytelling that involves any real-world medical references, especially with regard to commonly misunderstood and misrepresented conditions like DID, but given the nature of Stranger Things and the way that I believe we are not yet aware of the “bigger picture” of what is happening in the story because the writers intend for it to be revealed in future seasons, I do not think we know enough of the context of the creation of the show in order to begin discussing those nuances. I think and hope that we will learn a lot more over the next few years as seasons 4 and 5 are released. The question of “should they” is a different topic than “are they,” however. Whether they “should” or whether they are doing it “well” will need to be discussed if and when we know if they actually are doing it and also once we know more about their creative approach to the subject matter and what resources they have used in the creation of the Stranger Things universe. I think the direction that the story takes next is also going to be important regarding the assessment of whether or not the story was written ethically, too. If they reveal, for example, that the story is about a DID System that has murdered people or done terrible things then I would immediately say “nope, that’s a misrepresentation and a continued stigmatization of a deeply misunderstood community and I see the story as being unethically done.” But we don’t know what will happen in season 4 and 5 yet. Thus far all I can say is that I believe the writers have effectively encouraged us, as fans, to deeply empathize with and care about El and Will and Hopper and everyone and that this gives me hope that whatever the story is about that the writers are taking an approach that is deeply respectful of those who are neurodivergent or dealing with mental illness like PTSD etc. They’re the heroes and survivors and they are not the villains. And that in itself matters very much. But I guess we will see what happens in next in the series and whether or not the story is about DID or is about something else entirely.

“I hope you’re well, btw!”

Thank you! ^_^ I’m doing really well right now.

...

*As always please keep in mind that I'm doing my best to explain things as well as I can but that, ultimately, if you'd like to learn more about DID and internal worlds and alters that you should find up-to-date and recent medical resources on these subjects. I am not a medical resource I'm a stranger on the internet talking about a fictional Netflix series.

#as always I'm not offended if other fans think this sounds unlikely or absurdly complicated #trust me I'm well aware that these thoughts about the characters and the series are atypical of what the vast majority of fans think #but I'm sharing these hypotheticals and if they aren't a meta that interests or appeals to you that's your opinion and I respect that #I am looking forward to following wherever season 4 and 5 takes things whether I'm right or not #I share a variety of less common ideas here on my blog but at the end of the day I'm just another fan looking forward to what happens nect #*next

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internalsealpanic · 4 years ago

Text

I Will be Your Tim Drake for Tonight (1) (Jason Todd/ Reader)

Summary: Preferring to do anything but your physics project, you decide to accepts Tim’s proposal. It’s simple. He does your project, you try to figure out whether Jason Sionis is criminal. Easy, right?

masterlist

A/n: This takes place in a world where Jason is adopted by Black Mask. Inspired by Building Interest by Zoeleo.

The events and characterization in this story are very heavily based on Zoeleo's Long Term Investment series. It is fantastic and I really highly recommend all of her fics.

a/n: For clarification, Reader does have psychic powers but it only lets her sense people's emotions physically. No mind-reading. Her power is more like an overactive sense of empathy which may force her to dissociate into someone else.

There will be violence and mentions of alcoholism (used as coping mechanism for physical pain) and chronic pain.

As for the additional warning, an animal is harmed but it is barely described. I could not bring myself to actual describe it but the aftermath is described.

I also just converted this from an OC so I apologize for any grammatical mistakes.

Without further a do:

Your skin itches as you make your way through the crowd. It wasn't the suit. After all, Alfred Pennyworth was incapable of doing wrong. It was the sea of hands patting your back, petting your head, and pinching your cheeks made every inch of skin want to slough off. Tim owed you. He owed you big time. Then again he's back at the manor tackling your physics project and making sure Gotham doesn't set itself on fire while Batman is on ‘vacation’.

You should be fine. It’s not like Brucie asked you to investigate a suspected criminal who also happens to be Roman Sionis’ heir. Nope, no pressure there. Thanks Bruce. You’re clad in blue contacts, a black wig, makeup, and a stolen suit. As safe as you felt in someone else's skin, you still felt like you were gonna fall over. Maybe it's because you were dumb enough not to bring your cane.

The room was dizzyingly full of people. Your mind goes haywire. Jumping from one mind to the next. Dipping into every emotion it could stick itself into. It was almost overwhelming enough for you to forget about the ache in your leg. You knew this night was gonna be far longer than you could stand. You needed a drink. Or 9.

"Hey, no drinking! You're underaged!" Dick nearly shrieked, plucking your fifth(?) flute of champagne. You wouldn't be in a few months. Really he was being quite unreasonable to the drunk person in front of him. Looking him dead in the eyes, you wave another server over and take 2 flutes of champagne. "I'm fine Dick. I've drunken harder stuff than this."

"No," Dick said firmly snatching the 2 flutes from your hand.

"Big bro pleeeaaasee" You drawl sweetly knowing Dick was a sucker for that move. Dick tries to look unmoved but you could see in the slump of his shoulders that he wanted to give in. "I'm having an episode," The word episode felt strange and wrong but there really was no other way to describe it. "and I don't have any painkillers on me." You added hastily.

"Fiiine-" Dick whines, resolve crumbling to dust. Handing back only one flute of champagne, he scolds: "Just don't get shit faced. We're here on a mission."

"Yes, motheeeer,"

Without missing a beat, you down it, feeling the tearing in your head beginning to fade.

"Jesus, calm down," Dick said taking the now empty flute from you.

You are less than surprised by the fact that he isn't fazed by being called mother at this point. It might just be the alcohol. The Powers might not understand the concept of fun but they sure do have taste in alcohol.

While Dick lectures you on safe alcohol consumption and Babs laughs unhelpfully, You feel the press of another person's mind. The other 2 seem to notice it too. Being pulled out of their reverie, they turn to greet them.

"Target at 2'oclock" Babs whispers but your mind had for some reason forgotten how English worked. Instead, it drifted to the simple mind coming closer to them. Almost too quickly, you dropped down to your knees. Your joints complained but you could feel your mind smooth as you placed a gentle hand on the dog's fur.

The dog whuffs with glee as if to say "Yes! There! Pat there!".

Absorbed in the dog's uncomplicated happiness, you began to piece yourself back together and the pain in your head receded.

" Who's a good girl? You are! You are!"

The dog yips happily. Its smooshed face pressing into your hand. You forget the party until-

Dick coughs clearing his throat, laughter bright in his blue eyes.

You, for the first time, notice the person beside the dog. It was their target, Jason Sionis, stretching out his hand to shake yours.

"Oh- Uh- it's just your dog- She's- Hi, I'm Tim Drake." you shoot up to shake his hand. You notice the patches of scabs and scars on his knuckles. You’re pretty sure Dick or Tim could give him a run for his money if they didn't have makeup on. Though that just might speak more to their-as Damian puts it- incompetence.

Your eyes flicker to Dick momentarily as he tries so hard not to laugh.

"Well, it was nice to make your acquaintance," Jason says flatly as he turns his attention to Dick and Babs for a more coherent discussion. You weren’t entirely certain that you offended him but you were probably close.

You want to say that it's his eyes that you notice first. They were a striking shade of ultramarine, a terrifying facsimile of the ocean. They made you shudder. You would have rather noticed how nicely he filled out his suit. The man was made of muscle under that well-tailored suit. You file the image for further appreciation later. But, unfortunately, you are far too accustomed to checking your brothers for wounds for your eyes to not immediately flicker towards the scar on his face. It takes everything in you not to stare at the scar cleaving down the flesh of his cheek rigging the right side of his face into a permanent grin. Thankfully, he leaves them saying something about having business somewhere else.

Sure, the guy falls into Gotham’s pattern of ruining your face and turning to a life of crime but so far he hasn’t really shown anything concrete. Plus, he’s really nice to his dog. No one that nice to a dog could possibly be the Red Death, Black Mask’s shiniest, and rumored to be his most brutal, new enforcer. Then again, your mother always did treat Anatoli like a king.

"Tim was right. You can act like him. You even got him shoving his own foot in his mouth down pat. Great job. " Dick chuckles patting you on the shoulder jostling you out of your thoughts.

You sigh. "The next time I go undercover I'm going alone. I don't even know why you're here."

"I think you've demonstrated why."

You- annoyed, embarrassed, and feeling the marching in your skull coming back- jab "Alright Fabio , you befriend Mr.Pretty boy-" .

"That's pretty mean eve-"

"I didn't mean it to be mean-"you honestly didn't but you were byelingual at this point. "-I think he's pretty. Scars are sexy and all of that carp. "

"I am very concerned."

"You should be. I'm out of booze and the dog just walked away. " you hissed rubbing the side of your head before stomping off to look for more drinks.

You feel your head jack rabbiting again. The staff had, as per some evil person's request (Likely Dick or maybe Babs), cut you off from the booze. You find yourself wandering around until your feet take you outside. The cool night air and the nearly freezing bricks sooth you warmed skin as you slide against it.

"What? Did you come out 'ere to watch my dog piss?" a slightly familiar baritone voice chuckled.

"As fun as that sounds, I just escaped Dick Grayson. I believe that, in itself, is reason enough to go outside and take in the 'fresh' Gotham night air. " you snark, looking up expecting him to grin at you but was greeted with a look of concern. You’ve seen it before. Your hand almost automatically makes its way to your nose. You felt a thick liquid brush against the pads of your fingers. If you looked at them, you’d likely see them covered in blood.

You shrug and brush your deep red sleeve against your face. You probably didn't get all of it based on the crooked grin on his face.

"Shit kid, they'll think I punched you." Jason chuckles good-naturedly. You know he's not nervous. He’s charming enough to talk his way out of it.

"Relax, Dick will likely say I deserved it if they do think you punched me but that is highly unlikely seeing these episodes are an open secret after I bled on Mrs. Yavorski's satin dress a few years ago. "

"Well, in that case, you want a smoke? Should take the edge off." Jason says it as a joke holding out a pack of cigarettes to you. Everyone knows Wayne kids are good kids.

You, feeling particularly cheeky, take the cigarette between his lip and take a long drag, inhaling and letting your eyes slide close.

He makes a quiet choking noise. Away from the sea of minds, you can feel his eyes on you. Wide and disbelieving. A cocktail of interest, embarrassment, excitement, and delight swirls in his mind. It might have been attraction or it might just have been amusement. You shouldn't be too surprised by the reaction. Tim is quite the knock out even when he looks dead on his feet. His confusion only lasts five seconds before you cough out "Christ, it's just as bad as Bruce said it was."

You hand him back the cigarette laughing and coughing into your sleeve.

"So, did your brother tell you to apologize?" He says, clearing his throat not really looking you in the eyes. You can still see the faint speck of color on his face.

"Well, he didn't say it. He doesn’t really have to and I do have manners contrary to popular belief. Plus! In my defense, your dog is cute. "

"Lizzie is, isn't she?" Jason smiles patting Lizzie on her head. It was a soft gesture. Something you really didn't expect from a supposedly hardened criminal let alone someone raised by Roman Sionis.

You crouch down to Lizzie's level and put your hands on the dog's face. Lizzie happily nuzzles into your hands.

"You have a dog?"

" Depends, does Dick count?"

Jason snorts. "Do you ever think before you speak?"

"Not when I'm drunk and bleeding, no."

"How drunk are you?"

You mime counting. "As far as Dick knows, I'm 1 to 2 flutes drunk. As far as the staff knows, I'm 7 flutes drunk."

"I should probably get you back to your brother then" Jason laughs, pulling you by the arm. You notice for the first time just how big his hands really are.

"No, I-"

Gunshots. Pain. Panic. They ring in equal measure to you as a black van pulls up in the alley.

"Fuck! Box!"

A man in a dark suit crumples to the ground. You recognize him. He was part of Jason's security team. In a flurry of movement, Jason's by his side. You think he's checking the injuries- which in your opinion is at once the smartest and dumbest move you could do in this situation- but he-is in fact-checking for a gun.

Gun in hand, Jason begins shooting at the men.

You think to grab a stray brick or something but you knew your best chance was to crouch low and maybe convince Jason to do the same. But based on the murder radiating from him, that was highly unlikely.

Lizzie runs out in front of them to protect Box and Jason. It goes as well as expected.

Lizzie whines into your touch. The tendrils of your mind desperately trying to keep Lizzie there. You want to scream. Your mind surges trying to dip into someone else but Jason's anger and grief consume you. You want to charge at them, rip their throats out, tear them limb from limb. But it's Jason who does it. His body launches forward faster than you could speak.

The men in masks were just as fast. One of them incapacitates him with a well-placed metal pipe to the head. His whole body hits the pavement with one loud thud. Your breath catches.

"There's two of them,"

"What do you mean there's two of them?"

"The boss said black hair, blue eyes, and a fucked up face"

"Did he say what kind of fucked up?"

"Not really"

You want to squawk about how nosebleeds don't really count. Given, it is bleeding like it’s auditioning to be the next Niagara falls.

"Just take them both!" barks a rough voice from the van.

You think to make a break for it but fast as you are(not really). Your head was still ringing and you couldn't really take them out on your own.

You hold your hands up in surrender. "I'll go quietly. I know the drill. "

The men look at each other clearly confused by your cooperation but not really willing to question it.

They throw cuffs on your wrist and literally throw you into the van like a sack of potatoes. Not that they treat Jason any better. He looks dizzy and pale.

"Are you-"

With a heave, he throws up on "your" shoes. You want to laugh. You really do. You also just want to cry.

Tim is going to kill you. No, Alfred will. If you’re lucky-which you never are- Dick will suffocate you with a hug before they ever get to you.

Maybe just maybe, the kidnappers will do it for you.

Yeah, right.

#jason todd x reader #jason todd x oc #jason todd #tim drake #batfam #barbara gordon #dick grayson #false face au #batsis #damian wayne #batfamily x reader #nightwing #dc fanfiction #dc comics

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smartbutuncertified · 4 years ago

Text

So. Today I read J.K. Rowling’s essay on trans people.

I could spend hours finding sources to debunk what she said. I could yell until my fingers are tired that trans women are women, trans men are men, and nonbinary people are valid. I could cry. I could leave it to others. It’s been a long few months. I’m tired.

But I’m a trans man. I can see how she’s weaponizing our existence against our trans sisters. I can’t let that pass.

A lot of the discussion around TERFs revolves around trans women, and for good reason. TERF’s hatefulness is primarily directed at AMAB trans people, especially transfem ones, because of the mistaken belief that they are men invading women’s spaces. All that they are doing is striving to be treated as who they are instead of who others say that they are.

Because of this, much of the pushback against TERFs comes from a place of support of and defense for trans women. This has led to the TERFs developing a tactic that I’m going to name “Dysphoric ‘women’ in distress.”

Persistently attacking a group without clearly defending someone is a great way to get panned for being unreasonable. TERFs don’t want to be seen as a hate movement, so they focus their vitriol on trans women, and attempt to sweep trans men and AFAB nonbinary people under their banner. They’re protecting all “females”, see? No bigotry here.

Here’s a few passages from Rowling’s essay about trans men, and about biological sex, in the order that they appear. The bolding is mine.

“Ironically, radical feminists aren’t even trans-exclusionary – they include trans men in their feminism, because they were born women.”

“The fourth is where things start to get truly personal. I’m concerned about the huge explosion in young women wishing to transition and also about the increasing numbers who seem to be detransitioning (returning to their original sex), because they regret taking steps that have, in some cases, altered their bodies irrevocably, and taken away their fertility.“

“The UK has experienced a 4400% increase in girls being referred for transitioning treatment. Autistic girls are hugely overrepresented in their numbers.“

“The writings of young trans men reveal a group of notably sensitive and clever people. The more of their accounts of gender dysphoria I’ve read, with their insightful descriptions of anxiety, dissociation, eating disorders, self-harm and self-hatred, the more I’ve wondered whether, if I’d been born 30 years later, I too might have tried to transition. The allure of escaping womanhood would have been huge. “

“I’ve read all the arguments about femaleness not residing in the sexed body, and the assertions that biological women don’t have common experiences, and I find them, too, deeply misogynistic and regressive. It’s also clear that one of the objectives of denying the importance of sex is to erode what some seem to see as the cruelly segregationist idea of women having their own biological realities or – just as threatening – unifying realities that make them a cohesive political class. “

Trans men are not women. We are not girls. We are mostly AFAB, with some intersex and CAFAB men as well.

As an autistic trans man, autistic people may be more likely to transition, but that doesn’t mean that our transitions are less valid or more suspect. To say otherwise is both ableism and infantalization.

Lastly, the idea of womanhood being biological is as deeply offensive to us as it is to trans women. We share a lot of the health risks and need for reproductive rights and justice that cis women do, but this does not make us women. Trans women are women, not us.

Trans men are not delusional women to be protected from ourselves. We are not part of any “class” of women. This sickly sweet “compassion” because we “were born women” is not something that we support or want any part of. We are not and never will be women. The only people we’re in danger from are transphobes like Rowling.

This is not to say that trans men face the same things as trans women.

Trans women face a whole section of transphobia that transmasc people are exempt from, transmisogny. They are disproportionately targeted by TERFs and other transphobes.

Compare what she says about trans women to the statements about trans men. Again, the bolding is mine.

“Magdalen was an immensely brave young feminist and lesbian who was dying of an aggressive brain tumour. I followed her because I wanted to contact her directly, which I succeeded in doing. However, as Magdalen was a great believer in the importance of biological sex, and didn’t believe lesbians should be called bigots for not dating trans women with penises, dots were joined in the heads of twitter trans activists, and the level of social media abuse increased.“

“Examples of so-called TERFs range from the mother of a gay child who was afraid their child wanted to transition to escape homophobic bullying, to a hitherto totally unfeminist older lady who’s vowed never to visit Marks & Spencer again because they’re allowing any man who says they identify as a woman into the women’s changing rooms. “

“I happen to know a self-described transsexual woman who’s older than I am and wonderful. Although she’s open about her past as a gay man, I’ve always found it hard to think of her as anything other than a woman, and I believe (and certainly hope) she’s completely happy to have transitioned. Being older, though, she went through a long and rigorous process of evaluation, psychotherapy and staged transformation. The current explosion of trans activism is urging a removal of almost all the robust systems through which candidates for sex reassignment were once required to pass. A man who intends to have no surgery and take no hormones may now secure himself a Gender Recognition Certificate and be a woman in the sight of the law.”

“But, as many women have said before me, ‘woman’ is not a costume. ‘Woman’ is not an idea in a man’s head.”

“So I want trans women to be safe. At the same time, I do not want to make natal girls and women less safe. When you throw open the doors of bathrooms and changing rooms to any man who believes or feels he’s a woman – and, as I’ve said, gender confirmation certificates may now be granted without any need for surgery or hormones – then you open the door to any and all men who wish to come inside.”

“On Saturday morning, I read that the Scottish government is proceeding with its controversial gender recognition plans, which will in effect mean that all a man needs to ‘become a woman’ is to say he’s one. To use a very contemporary word, I was ‘triggered’. Ground down by the relentless attacks from trans activists on social media, when I was only there to give children feedback about pictures they’d drawn for my book under lockdown, I spent much of Saturday in a very dark place inside my head, as memories of a serious sexual assault I suffered in my twenties recurred on a loop. That assault happened at a time and in a space where I was vulnerable, and a man capitalised on an opportunity. I couldn’t shut out those memories and I was finding it hard to contain my anger and disappointment about the way I believe my government is playing fast and loose with womens and girls’ safety.“

Things to note:

She was concerned about trans men undergoing voluntary hormones and surgeries because they “have, in some cases, altered their bodies irrevocably, and taken away their fertility.”, but is repeatedly horrified by the idea that trans women could be considered women without them.

She is consistently pitching the narrative that trans women’s interests are men’s interests and in conflict with women’s interests.

The misgendering is about equal in both sections, but in this one, the misgendering is intentionally framed as trans women being deceitful men, whereas trans men are framed as women and “girls” in distress. Notice that the trans women are always “men”, never “boys”, for maximum implicit threat.

“’woman’ is not a costume” is a huge red flag. Trans women aren’t wearing costumes, they’re living their lives as women.

The narrative she’s weaving is that trans men are misled women who need help and protection, and trans women are potentially predatory men. She leaves caveats, such as the “self-described transsexual woman”, but even she is referred to as a former man, and we don’t know how that trans woman feels about that. She’s being used as a prop, framed as an exception.

This is all transphobia, and heavily leans towards transmisogyny.

In short:

Trans men aren’t interested in you persecuting our sisters to “defend” us. Fuck off, Rowling.

#transphobia #transmisogyny #trans man #jk rowling #long post

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malereader-inserts · 5 years ago

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God Only Knows

Fandom: Teen Wolf Pairing: Peter Hale x Male!Reader Summary: God only knows what Peter would be without you, and let’s say it ain’t pretty Word Count: 1,894 A/n: so, binge-watched season 3a, 3b and 6a so we’re here in this mess I've created.

The only reason why Peter was in the Mccall Pack was because of you, not even Derek could get him in the pack. You were Scott’s older cousin, who had been in a werewolf for much longer than Scott so when news had reached your ears of his status you came back to Beacon Hills to help family out.

Peter was your mate, something you had mixed feelings about because you knew he was the one to turn your little cousin into a werewolf and tried to kill them on multiple occasions but you’ve seen a softer side to him, a side that is rarely brought out

So, you deal with it, you are the bridge of reason when he and Malia get in arguments, you are the bridge of reason when he’s being a dick. Often at times, you can be seen sighing, shaking your head, your arms crossed over and most often not but looking extremely exhausted and done with everyone’s shit.

You’re the peacekeeper, and no matter how many times you’ve tried to vocalise your worth in the group it’s almost impossible.

“I’m telling you guys, Beacon Hills is a beacon for the supernatural, those people are unnatural,” You reasoned as Scott shakes his head.

“Come on, (Y/n), it’s summer and nothing has happened in the past six months,” Scott reasoned, as the group of banded young adults looked sheepishly at you as you sighed.

“Whatever, just go have fun,” You waved them off, you were sure that these group of people in beacon hills were up to no good.

The scent was different, vanilla-like. Peter was out of town for the week with Derek, so you were in Beacon Hills with a hunch. You searched the library in Beacon Hills, googled it and even went to Deaton. Your curiosity got the best of you when you suddenly disappeared, no word of you and you weren’t home when Peter came back from his bonding time with his nephew.

“What do you mean (Y/n) is missing?” Peter gave Stiles a look when Scott waves his hand, all hanging around Derek’s loft.

“What do you think, metalhead,” Peter snaps, folding his arm over his chest, “Like gone, disappeared, invisible, the nonexistence.”

“I don’t think I’ve seen Peter like this before,” Lydia whispers to Stiles, who shrugs his shoulders as Peter cast his glare to the couple.

“It’s mating intuitive,” Derek explains, standing next to his uncle, “When two wolves bond and mate, accepting each other they are bonded for life, like a string attached to each heart. The wolves inside communicate with each other.”

“So, if (Y/n) is hurt, Peter could sense it?” Scott questioned as Peter nods, Derek keeping his uncle’s temper on standby whilst you were absent, “Like the twins did?”

“It’s more than the twins, they sense everything, pain, worry, sadness, whatever. For mated wolves, it’s a way of life, to seek out your mate in danger, always know what direction they're in. And a bond between two wolves are almost impossible to break, it only breaks if one of the wolves die or stop loving the wolf within.”

Stiles furrowed his eyebrows together, looked at Peter, “So, can’t you sense if (Y/n) is in danger.”

“That’s the thing, Stiles,” Peter stressed out, a worried tone to his voice that catches everyone off guard, “I can’t feel the bond anymore.”

Peter had been worried sick, even Malia had to step in to try to distract him from the thought of you whilst the pack tries to configure something in hopes to find you. Stiles had managed to convince his dad and Parrish to have police keep an eye out for you whilst Melissa was to scout the hospital and any nearby hospital if you’ve been admitted in.

“I’ve never witnessed Peter like that before,” Lydia whispers to Scott, Derek, Liam and Stiles, “He’s...different.”

“Most wolves are like that when a bond breaks,” Derek sighs, looking over his shoulder to look at his uncle, he turns back to face the group, “He can quickly become irrational, much more dangerous than you first met him. Its heartbreak and wolves don’t take it well. They dissociate for days on times, after that, it’s a period of the unknown. Each wolf is different, some go ballistic, some leaves the pack, some kill the innocent, and some kill themselves...”

“So, great, we also have a time limit too,” Stiles sighs, rubbing his forehead, “What are we going to do?”

“Didn’t (Y/n) have some kind of suspicious thing with the newcomers in Beacon Hills, maybe they have a connection with it?”

The group looked at each other as Scott nods, “We have to start somewhere.”

It had been almost two weeks since you had disappeared and Peter had found his feet to aid the group, of course, he had an intense argument with the pack but he still had a feeling you weren’t dead. You were still alive and he was very determined to find you.

“I’m not giving up on my pack,” Scott reaffirmed, “That’s my cousin out there, and if Peter says he’s not dead - he’s dead unless confirmed.”

“So, we’re playing Schrodinger’s cat?” Stiles asked as Malia raised her hand up to ask, “Not now, later.”

“We’ll keep looking, Stiles,” Scott commanded, and it wasn’t that Stiles didn’t want to look for you, it was the fact that he felt useless in aiding to find you. There was no research to conduct for him.

It was only two days afterwards when Scott and Peter had caught your scent in the forest. The pair had been hellbent in finding you to the point that the two had been doing walks past midnight. So, when your wolf scent was picked up in the wind the two immediately followed it. Leading up to a wooden door in the forest ground, a bunker.

The pair looked at each other as Peter smacks it open, the two used the stairs to climb down to this dusty room. Scott was glad that he wasn’t asthmatic anymore of that would have heavily triggered it as the two wolves looked about. When Peter was about to give up, it was Scott who moved a bit of furniture to find a heavily injured you.

“Peter,” Scott called out as the older man snaps his head to the younger wolf, “I found him.”

When Deaton received a call that you had been found and was injured badly, he hadn’t expected to see Peter bursting into his building with you in an almost comatose state. Peter gently puts you down on the metal table, looking at the Druid with pleading eyes.

“Holy shit, where did you find him?” Stiles asked, he was there with Lydia and Derek when Deaton had gotten the call.

“An abandoned bunker in the woods,” Scott says as he looks at his boss, “What’s wrong with him? He’s not healing, it’s got to be mistletoe in him, can’t you treat him?”

Deaton looked down at your bloody state, examining the wounds that weren’t healing upon your abdomen, bruising upon your skin as if it was paint to a canvas. But, there was something that caught his eyes, something that made him sigh and kick himself.

“I should have listened to him,” Deaton shakes his head as the pack looked mildly confused, “He came to me with a hypothesis, something that he’s proven right and not in a good way.”

“What do you mean? Are you telling me it’s not mistletoe?” Peter asked, a grown stuck in his throat as Derek shoots him a look to calm down.

“It’s much worst,” Deaton tilts your head to the side to expose multiple bite marks upon your bruised neck, “It’s vampires, and he’s been poisoned by their venom.”

The Hale men growled and looked at each other, Peter looked almost like he wanted to viciously tear the whole town apart as Derek was feeling very protective over you. The rest of the pack looked confused, sure they had heard about vampires but each myth was different to next.

“As you know vampires and werewolves never get along, but a vampire bite is poisonous to a werewolf just like a werewolf bite is to a vampire. A vampire’s bite can cause extremities to a wolves body, causing blood to be venomous to themselves.”

“Argh!” You let out a strained growl, black veins popping up on your neck, making everyone jump as you tried to clench yourself to embrace a wave of pain, breathing unevenly as you break out into sweats.

“He’s in bad shape,” Deaton explained at Peter had been holding your hand.

“There is a way to cure him right?” Lydia asked frantically, “It’ll kill him if we don’t find anything.”

“That’s true, but there is one thing that may cure him,” Deaton says, and he says it slowly for everyone to hear, “Vervain, it’s poison to vampires. Vervain might cure him, a counter liquid to the venom.”

“Derek, call Malia and Liam, we’re looking for the antidote,” Scott commanded as Derek nods.

“Stiles, Lydia I need you to look for that group of people and their whereabouts - (Y/n) had said they were part of a coven when he last saw them and told me. I want you to tread carefully when you meet them - bring Parrish with you for protection,” Deaton advised as the couple nods, the druid looks at Peter who was set on not leaving you, “And you, Peter, you’re going to help me bring down his fever - we need an ice bath.”

“You think this will work?” Peter asked, cringing as he watches you groan in pain as you sit in an ice bath.

It was more than groaning, there were times where you would try to control the pain within you that the venom was kicking in your body. But, it was bringing down a fever. Peter sat next to the bath, holding your hand, kissing it every so often.

“It’s slowly the process of the venom, with bites like that, we don’t know how much he’s taken. There’s only so much one can take and every wolf is different.”

“His wolf, it’s not dead is it?” Peter asked, as your drowsy state makes you look at him and give him a small smile, he brushed your hair back, kissing your forehead - Deaton hadn’t seen this angry man be so worried and gentle before.

“No, weak, very weak, it’s why your bond disappeared. It was never broken it the first place but the wolf can’t communicate,” Deaton explains, “The ice bath can hold it off for a limited time.”

Peter cast a worried look back to you as you send him a tight smile, “Hey,” You croaked, gripping his hand tighter when a wave of stabbing pain shoots through you.

“I wish I can take your pain away,” Peter hums, his other hand stroking your hair, he tilts his head to the side and you could see the worries in his eyes, “We’re going to make you better, I promise.”

You send him another tight smile as Peter looks at Deaton, that promise was on thin ice with you. Because Peter would hate to think he’s found you and you were fading quickly.

And he really can’t face that heartbreak again.

#Peter Hale #peter hale imagine #peter hale x male!reader #x male reader #teen wolf #teen wolf imagine #teen wolf x male reader

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goodvibesandchemnotes · 3 years ago

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[to a fibromyalgia/ptsd patient] *hugs* I'm sorry your brain is so fried and causing you such pain. I've seen great success in myself and others periodically taking dissociative anesthetics for PTSD and treatment resistant depression, and it works wonders for my fibromyalgia (which often had me unable to eat or walk many days without being heavily extra-medicated).

Legally speaking, I have to say that ketamine is the only drug properly indicated for this purpose, and it (as well as most derivatives) is a schedule III substance that is illegal to obtain without a prescription from a doctor. It is mostly safe and effective, with the only risk being increased dissociative tendencies (this isn't even a problem for many people, it's only if your dissociation tends to flare on and off and is upsetting/disabling. For those with constant dissociative issues its been anecdotally observed that dissociative drugs can actually strengthen a patient's grasp on their dissociative issues and make them better, but remember anecdotes aren't science). It is more effective than many first and second line antidepressants in these cases!

Scientifically speaking (for educational purposes only of course!), I also can't let it go unsaid that there are several grey- or legal dissociatives that can produce a similar effect... but each has its own safety profile. DXM can be *EXTREMELY* dangerous when taken at anesthetic doses with certain antidepressants, and most ketamine derivatives are not fully studied and we don't know what interactions they could have. From our understanding, DCK and 2FDCK seem pretty safe, as well as OPCE (close relative of DCK). The MXx series tends to run similar risks to DXM albeit a much cleaner, less "drunken" experience. Tiletamine (animal replacement for ketamine) is functionally identical as far as we currently know, but is only sold as Telazol in combination with sedatives that can cause fatal respiratory depression and Telazol should never be taken by humans under any circumstances.

While dissociative drugs have addictive potential similar to alcohol, they are not strictly physically addictive drugs. Repeated use builds tolerance, and withdrawals from constant heavy (usually non functional) users have been seen, but compulsive (especially daily) use is rare and only in individuals with especially addictive personalities and/or looking for an escape from severe psychological distress. An exception is any mania-inducing drug, which causes compulsive redosing (but is still significantly less addictive than opioids or stimulants). For common reference, a rule among recreational users of DXM is "1 week per 'plat'/150mg"; you can take 150mg again next weekend and not have many tolerance issues, but wait a month after taking a 600mg (very high, fully anesthetic) dose to avoid tolerance or psychological addiction. Additionally, dissociatives present cross-tolerance, so someone who frequently abuses DXM would require a much higher dose of ketamine for the same effect as a dissociative-naïve patient.

With the 3-MeO-PCx series, there is a flood of dopamine and serotonin that can spark new brain connection and give a remarkably positive experience. BUT! These carry both the risks of DXM/MXE (vomiting, heat stroke) AND potential mania which, left uncontrolled or in susceptible individuals, can cause psychosis. There is also an issue of potential compulsive redosing on 3-MeO-PCx (NOT 3-MeO-OPCx or the MXx series), so it's recommended not to have large quantities readily available when using (which is dangerous and often illegal). The safer users tend to binge a few doses and then avoid it for weeks to months.

Whoops, wrote another essay. I'm happy to share my useful notes on treating fibro whenever they're fully compiled, I've found absurd amounts of success especially in treating my severe cognitive damage from it. Above all, be safe!

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squip-filth-archives · 4 years ago

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Feel free to not answer this if it makes you uncomfortable, I completely understand! In general, what’s it like to have DID? I know all systems are different (in terms of like communication, etc), but I’m curious because there aren’t many descriptions online. Thank you if you answer this, and even if you don’t, thank you anyways! Hugs to everyone, and fist bumps if you don’t like hugs! -🕯

ALRIGHT this is a Very long and rambly answer so buckle up! please ask me to clarify if something doesn’t make sense. i told myself ‘okay i’m gonna keep his as short and sweet as possible’ And Then I Did Not

anyways! below the cut;

as you said, all systems are different! everyone’s experiences vary wildly, even across members in the same system-- for example; i, eli, experience things differently than charlie does.

for me personally, it’s... a mixed bag. it’s not all terrible, and it’s not all great.

i consider myself to be fairly lucky. all of the peeps in my system view one another as a sort of wacky family. lots of other systems Don’t view everyone as a family. here though,, everyone does their best to get along? there are squabbles now and then but everything runs fairly smoothly overall which is Great

dissociation is,, something. most people dissociate to some degree-- i.e.; ‘oh i zoned out while i was driving, how’d i get here?’ but those with DID dissociate to a very high level as a result of childhood trauma.

there’s a lot of it. some days are worse than others, and on a very dissociated day i’ll end up getting huuuge migraines. if someone is really close to front or if there’s a lot happening between peeps In The Brain, i get lightheaded, and if that lightheadedness continues it builds into this pressure and i end up with an awful headache. and dissociation in general can range from ‘i feel like me but slightly to the left today’ to ‘i don’t know who i am, my reflection is wrong, everything around me is fake’.

it can be distressing. sometimes i’ll have been out about driving and when i come home, as i pull into the driveway, i’ll be overwhelmed by a thought that’s like ‘this isn’t my house. this isn’t mine, this is wrong, where am i?’ and someone on the inside will reassure me that it is right, i’ve been living there for months-- it’s just my memory is so distorted and i may be being heavily influenced by someone else with different memories than mine.

that’s another thing-- we don’t always know who’s fronting or how many of us are existing in front at once. (note: ‘fronting’ = controlling the body.) there’ll be a feeling of ‘i am not eli but i don’t know who i am’ or there’ll be rapid switching between multiple alters or there will be several alters blending together and it just leads to this confused state where everything is distorted and thinking too much about Identity leads to a panic attack of sorts. it can be scary. the body will wake up and not know who’s in control. we’ll be driving and someone else will switch out and briefly panic because they are now piloting a body that’s in control of a vehicle.

whoever is in front can be heavily influenced by the emotions or presence of another alter. one of the boys gets anxious very very easily, and if he’s nearby, whoever is in control of the body at that time will feel that anxiety in our chest. one of us experiences heartache frequently, missing the life he remembers, and whoever is in front will feel that. we are susceptible to each others’ emotions. it’s difficult to figure out sometimes who’s feeling what and why.

on that topic-- a lot of them have their own memories. some of them just remember stuff from living In This Body, but some of them, those who are introjects of preexisting characters, have memories of families and homes and lovers that never technically existed-- like charlie. he remembers the friends he made here, but he is Alive. he has free will, and the people he made friends with are just characters being controlled by a human from miles away. everyone has different amounts of memories, and some are more emotionally impacted by them than others.

memory as a whole is weird. i, eli, don’t remember anything from before 7 years old. from there, it’s patchy and incomplete, with large chunks of my life just missing. this is a self-defense mechanism, and if i don’t remember something, it’s because my brain is keeping me safe. but it’s still disconcerting to not remember whole periods of your life.

it’s not all bad though, not at all! it can be fun. it can be relieving. we do our best to cooperate with one another and have a good time. we help each other in the best ways we can.

and there are fun and kinda weird little things like.. okay. a couple weeks ago i was drawing one of the peeps, and i was like ‘what the heck kinda shoes do i do here?? loafers????’ and i received a Single word from him; “Oxfords.” and that was it. and i was like. alrighty then, guess we’ll go with those bad boys

i’ll receive thoughts that aren’t mine, which is sometimes funny or cool and is sometimes disconcerting. someone will pipe up with a random scientific fact that i don’t remember every learning and it ends up being true. i’ll receive,, ‘memories’ or projections of a scene on the inside, like someone took a video or picture of something that happened between some peeps and uploaded it to my personal memory bank.

also there’ll be conversations like ‘oh fuck where is that thing who took the thing’ and someones in the back is like ‘oh sorry it’s by the fridge’ or ‘i ate it, don’t worry about it’ or ‘it’s in your pocket already’ and so on

AND! BRO. ordering food or drinks or going to the store is wack! i’ll be like ‘okay i am getting a dr. pepper’ and i am flooded with ‘i want a cherry coke’ or ‘just drink water no more sugary drinks today’ or ‘get me an energy drink’ and i’ll end up with like four different beverages in my possession at any given time

and some people like foods that i hate?? like. i don’t really like fresh blueberries. but charlie Loves them and will eat a million of em in a single sitting.

and my brother has even said stuff like ‘i like how you sometimes laugh at my stupid jokes and then other times you just look really disappointed in me. like it’s different depending on the day’ and i’m like. yes. oops

also, charlie and a couple others help me at my job. if i get overwhelmed, someone easily takes over to help customers or fill in the blanks of whatever orders i’m missing. if lots of cleaning needs to get done in a short amount of time, someone else will front and laser-focus on the tasks at hand and not get distracted by anything.

ultimately, everyone here helps me just,, exist. we help each other live in a productive and loving way. and while it can be frustrating or scary or exhausting sometimes, i genuinely don’t think i’d give them up for anything in the world. yes, they’re there because of some shitty life circumstances, but they are the best possible result of said shitty things i could ever hope for. i really, truly love them. again, we’re like a weird little family. now matter how bad it gets with them, they still improve my life monumentally. i wouldn’t trade them for anything.

now! this has been very disorganized and rambly?? and there are most likely things i’m missing here, but here’s a sort of answer for you! thank you for being polite, and you’re welcome to ask further questions if you’d like.

-eli (charlie co-con)

(,,note: co-con basically means ‘in the passenger seat’. if i’m fronting, i’m in the driver’s seat. if charlie is co-con, he’s in the passenger seat; i am in control of the vehicle (body), but he has input of what to do and where to go and he can see what’s going on.)

#asks #anon #note #DID #dissociative identity disorder #we don't mind questions at all as long as they're polite so thank u for this!#also this is a Big Boy of a response gee whiz

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ears-awake-eyes-opened · 4 years ago

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Someone told me recently

...You read THG books once 10 years ago, and you’re only just now rereading them. I’m surprised you understand Hayffie in the way you do. That felt sweet and good to hear since what I imagine of Haymitch and Effie are of course just my headcanons. And I have written only a few handfuls of Hayffie fics.

I’ve been listening for nearly 6 months to their voices chattering in my head telling me who they are, who they were, who they want to become, and what to write about them. But the way I choose to understand Hayffie is more complicated than that.

As I wrote my first little Hayffie fic, I asked myself, why do I feel this spark?... In other words, why would *proper* Effie be attracted to a snarky, unconcerned-about-appearances, often-falling-down-drunk alcoholic? And why would sharp-minded, no-nonsense Haymitch be attracted to a constantly-going, bossy (controlling), judgmental, validation seeking, Capitol-embodying, perfectionist?

The answer for me was straightforward... Given those qualities, they would OF COURSE be attracted to each other, even as they are to some degree repulsed by one another. Let me explain.

In my view, theirs is not an *opposites attract* situation. It’s a relationship of *recognition.* Those kinds of attractions have very deep roots, much deeper than appearances and other qualities which can be seen on the surface. (That said, I believe they are also increasingly attracted to each other’s physical appearances and big hearts over the years, especially as they become more authentic and *naked* with each other.)

*Love* is defined in our nervous systems by everything we experience in attachment with our primary caregivers (usually our parents) in early life. Most notably when we’re 0-3, followed closely by 4-7, then 8-12, all the way up through our early 20s. In Adult Children of Alcoholics, we call this a person’s “love equals.”

So if one or both of our parents did not or could not consistently attune to our emotional needs during our most formative years, then in adulthood we can have a strong tendency to be attracted to partners who do not or cannot consistently attune to our needs. We aren’t just attracted to them. We’re wildly I-don’t-understand-this-but-I-can’t-stop-it compulsively attracted to them. It’s the survival instincts of the child within shifting into gear and screaming, I will die without this person.

Plus, Haymitch also must listen for a long time to the inner child screaming, if I allow myself to feel love for this person, then SHE will die. It’s a shitty duality for him to be caught in and for Effie to feel the push-pull of.

I choose to view and write Hayffie from this perspective. When I glimpse their characters, even without considering their backstories, it’s obvious from their behaviors that they both experienced trauma in significant relational attachments at an early age. Because they both exhibit forms of addictiveness. At the core, all of this addictiveness is a manifestation of the same spiraling energy... arousal of the nervous system... addiction to fear and/or excitement.

Looking at what I know of their backstories and imagining the rest, I can piece together what that attachment trauma may have looked like for each of them.

Haymitch’s attachment to his father was severed at some point in early life, probably by his father’s death (the most profound trauma for a child). His mother then would have likely been to some degree emotionally unavailable because of needing to work more hours and because of grief. Haymitch would have had to step prematurely into adult responsibilities of caregiving for his brother, aspects of managing the home, and bringing in income if possible even long before signing up for tessera. Then while still in early life, he was reaped, traumatized in the games, and Snow had his loved ones killed.

I imagine Effie’s mother expected perfection and treated Effie as *never enough.* She also viewed “negative” emotions as something to be held inside and covered up with a smile. All of this made Effie’s mother emotionally unavailable to her and put intense pressure on Effie every second of her life. I think that treatment was largely unconsciously done. Effie’s father I imagine was emotionally absent somehow. Possibly dissociating in workaholism and/or gambling. Perhaps he was often checked out when home because his wife was domineering and/or the demands of “keeping up with the Joneses” or feigning keeping up was so draining. My headcanon also is that he harbors disappointment that Effie was a girl not a boy. My headcanon is that Effie is an only child, and the burden of maintaining and improving the Trinkets’ social station was placed prematurely and heavily on her young shoulders.

Plus, these folks ALL live under tyranny and constant threat, which even Capitol people experience in their own ways.

I believe Haymitch and Effie were both loved by their individual parents to the best of those parents’ abilities. I also have a headcanon that Effie was loved unconditionally during ages 0-10 by her great-grandmother who lived with her family and protected Effie from being totally brainwashed by Capitol life, so there is always this glimmer in Effie that sets her apart, keeps her from being entirely ridiculous, and is trying to wake her up to the broader reality. I believe each of them does know intimately the feeling of genuine love along with having inside them all these traumatic “love equals” intensities.

I view the relationship between Haymitch and Effie as complex and intense. Their knowing of genuine love gives me hope for them to be able to weather over time the overwhelming traumatic intensities they deal with as individuals and which I believe compel them to be in an often tumultuous relationship with each other for the long haul.

#I appreciate the compliment #hayffie #hayffie musings #haymitch abernathy #effie trinket #effie x haymitch #haymitch x effie #hayffie headcanons #thg #hunger games musings #acoa #ACA #love equals #arousal addiction #tornado #addictiveness

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dailytomlinson · 5 years ago

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“There were times I struggled to find my place in the band,” Louis admits today.

But it’s often the quiet ones you’ve got to look out for.

Behind the scenes he was very much centre stage: Louis was the mouthpiece, constantly fighting the boys’ corner and acting as chief negotiator between band and management.

“Being from Doncaster,” he says, “I’ve never had a problem with telling anyone ‘no’.”

“There was a while when I was worried I was getting left behind – some of the boys are on to their second album now,” he says, taking a draw onthe first of several cigarettes. “At times, I’ve been swimming against the tide, working out who I am. I was trying to find a way back into the industry, thinking of it mathematically rather than going off feeling and emotion.”

He’s referring to collaborations with Bebe Rexha and Steve Aoki in 2016 and 2017 respectively, which, although successful, weren’t where his heart lay. With Kill My Mind – the exhilarating ’90s-inspired opening track of the album Walls – he sets his stall out with a clear departure from anything he’s done before.

Walls is about regret, reflection and ultimately, hope, and feels like Louis, who sings in his still-broad Doncaster accent, has finally found his voice.

“I’ve always wanted to be autobiographical and honest. And in the last six months the songs I’ve written and recorded are of a better standard because there’s an honesty there,” he says.

Honesty certainly characterises the album, sometimes devastatingly so. There’s no escaping the fact that Louis, 28, has faced unimaginable pain over the last few years.

“It wasn’t until after I’d written it that I realised how much vulnerability I’d put in there,” he says. “When I first performed it… I had fans coming up to me in tears telling me their stories, and that’s not something I’ve ever had before. And to do it on that level about something so delicate… It was really cool to take something so dark and make people feel like that.

“I had to get a song like that off my chest. It was difficult writing about things that felt trivial compared to what was going on in my life. There was, I think, a necessity to write that song before I could move on creatively.”

Understandably, Louis won’t talk specifically about Félicité. But when asked about how grief has shaped him both as a man and an artist, he pays tribute to Jay.

“I think it’s a credit to how my mum brought me up that I have a resilience,” he says. “There’s nothing I want less than to have people feel sorry for me, so having that mentality has helped me through the hardest of times.

"I’ve also felt a real support system through my fans. I’d always felt it on a lower level, but when it’s something so impactful and life-defining, I really did feel it from them.”

Days after Jay’s death, Louis appeared live on The X Factor to perform Just Hold On with Aoki.

He was clearly in pieces and it was hard enough just watching, but somehow he held it together, presumably thanks again to that resilience.

“Sometimes it’s fight or flight,” Louis explains. “And the way I was brought up and because of where I’m from, I only see one option in that situation. I also wanted to put myself second and do it for my mum.

"That moment was bigger than me and it was actually incredibly liberating. It used every bit of strength and power and I look back on that performance as one of the proudest moments of my career.”

He says he tends not to suppress emotion and is able to share his darkest points with those he’s closest to.

But as the eldest of Jay’s seven children (five girls and two boys), he also feels a huge weight of responsibility towards his younger siblings and hasn’t had any professional therapy himself.

“No, no, nothing like that. That might be down to a bit of Northern pride, but I have a lot of responsibility on my shoulders and that drives me. I’ve got siblings who look up to me and I’ve got my grandparents as well. So all those things keep my head screwed on.

“My mum had a massive influence on me and I lived with a lot of sisters in the house, so I do find it easier to speak about my emotions. But I’m also from Doncaster, where to be a guy is to be tough and traditional and I feel like [there are] times where pride kicks in and I just say I’m all right.

"I’m lucky that I’ve got good people around me who I can trust and who I can be completely vulnerable with and say how I feel. Nine times out of 10, I don’t bottle things up. I wear my heart on my sleeve.”

They sold 20 million albums worldwide, earning over £40million each, but the pressures of fame were, at times, intolerable. Louis says they were only able to keep their heads screwed on because they had each other.

“You can never be prepared for that. It was such a head f**k. But we grounded each other so the minute one of us acted like a d**khead one of the others would say: ‘Stop being a d**khead’. I see people in this job surrounding themselves with superiority and they lose the concept of the real world.”

He remembers doing a shoot with the band for Pepsi over in the States with American footballer Drew Brees.

“This guy was like a god and we were insignificant when he was around, which we understood. But I’ve never seen anything like it. Every sentence that came out of his mouth he’d have an audience of hangers-on in hysterics.

"These people were so far up his arse and he didn’t have one good joke. He had no banter! I still hang around with my boys from Doncaster and I hear real stories all the time, which helps me understand the world that unfortunately I don’t get to see. Having empathy with people and a connection with the world is imperative for any songwriter.”

Harry Styles recently said that he never touched drugs during his time in the band (although he’s made up for that since), because he didn’t want to “mess it up”. Louis smiles as he confides that he can’t say the same.

“All I’ll say is that I did my fair share and enjoyed my time in the band. It’s right what Harry said and it was smart of him, but I definitely had a lot of fun in the band. I was always aware of how amazing the opportunity was, but also enjoying the moment for what it was. I lived like anyone else my age – the difference was that I was in One Direction.”

He’s in touch with Harry, Niall and Liam “sporadically” (we’ll come to Zayn shortly), but they’re all on very different paths for now.

“If we all went to a pub tomorrow it’d be like we’d never left. The enormity of what happened in One Direction creates a massive bond and we’ll always have that.

"There have been times when we’ve done each other’s heads in. There might be something I say in an interview that bugs Liam or vice versa, but we all know what each other is like and we can call each other up and say sorry for being a d**k. We’re like brothers.”

But that’s not necessarily the case with Zayn, who quit in 2015 and with whom Louis has had a turbulent relationship since. He was hurt when Zayn was the only one not to turn up at the X Factor studio to support him through his performance after Jay’s death, despite promising to be there.

Then there’s Zayn’s apparent repeated digs. In one interview he branded 1D’s music “generic as f**k”. There’s a difference between making a break from the past and dismissing it completely, and it’s a line Zayn perhaps hasn’t always managed to walk.

“Hmm,” agrees Louis, cautiously. “Other than maybe Niall, there is no one who is prouder of the band and the songs we created than me. But while what I did with One Direction is relevant, it doesn’t define who I am and I don’t struggle to make that dissociation.”

Does he think some of what Zayn has said has been disrespectful?

“Yeah, I do. But I can understand it. We have a lot of situations where we’re sat in interviews and if you’re in a certain mood you might run your mouth. The older you get the more you can tell if these things actually carry any malice or if they’re just a prod in the back. That’s life, innit? Sometimes people chat s**t and that’s the reality.”

He’s not ruling out resolving their differences in the future, but there’s no olive branch on the horizon.

“No, but I’ve not actively tried. We’ve all got a lot on our plates and there might be a day where I wake up and think: ‘OK, I want to right that wrong’, but not yet.”

After being in his company for a while, it’s not hard to see why Louis was 1D’s driving force backstage. He’s thoughtful, articulate, open and self-aware, but there’s a steeliness to him and the requisite pop-star swagger, which doesn’t seem to spill over into arrogance.

And that is reflected in his music, which is heavily influenced by the Arctic Monkeys, The Smiths and Oasis. In fact, the title track and latest single Walls sounds so similar to Oasis B-side and fans’ favourite Acquiesce that Louis’ manager flagged it as a potential issue.

“These kinds of things happen. There are only so many melodies you can write and if you listen to a band all the time like I do with Oasis…”

Anyway, says Louis. He had to make a choice.

“I was ready to risk it, but everyone said we should get in touch with Noel [Gallagher] so we did. Often the industry, and especially Noel’s world, can be a bit snobby and say: ‘F**k you you’re not using this song’. But he was really cool about it, signed it off no problem and although I’m sure he’s not happy about this, I f**king am, I’ve got a writing credit from Noel Gallagher on my album. That is some sick s**t so I’m buzzing.”

Is he nervous about going it alone? “I think I’ve got a good record so I’m confident. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t little bit nervous – there’s three and half years work gone into it so there’s a level of anticipation.”

The most overwhelming emotion though, is relief.

“Because it’s taken such a long time. I’m excited to go on to the next phase of my career.”

#louis tomlinson #tw death #020220 #wpress #tw drug #fizzy tomlinson #the sun #fabulous magazine #im tired alrady #stunt mention #i cleared it up

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