#malnutrition recovery is honestly so difficult and so slow

[oliveasaltylife]

[malnutrition, food, medical diet, weight discussion]

My entire body hurts so bad today and I am so exhausted despite having like 10 hours of sleep. My body and nervous system are so overwhelmed from malnutrition on top of my usual complex chronic illness stuff and it is seriously difficult to come out of it. The intense fight or flight response that I’ve been in for months feels never ending and nothing has really been able to calm me down. I was always aware of physical effects of malnutrition, but my level or anxiety is higher than I’ve ever experienced and my dissociation threshold feels nonexistent. And the worst part is knowing that food will help, but if I overdo it I’ll end up in the hospital again with significantly worse symptoms.

I’ve unintentionally lost so much weight over the past few months because I haven’t been able to eat normally and I don’t tolerate my Soylent meal replacement shakes anymore. It’s quite scary watching my body change like it is and that definitely confounds my anxiety. I’m really glad my pcp was able to get me a prescription for a meal replacement shake because I really don’t want a feeding tube and am doing everything that I can to avoid one. I just really miss food and making meals, which is making my medical diet more difficult. (It helps knowing I absolutely can not tolerate the pizza I really want, but it’s just hard restricting myself so much).

And it’s so fucking difficult to actually hydrate myself and stay hydrated even *with* IV hydration. I am really so miserable and in so much pain and so nauseous.

[letsdiscoverkitty]

I'm so worried about you Kitty. You keep replying to messages saying "thank you, I needed this today" but I don't see any big changes. I don't want to undermine the progress you HAVE made so far, cos that's been amazing, but if you want to go to uni in September you really need to step things up a gear. I'm really truly cheering you on in this process, I so want you to get to where you want to be. Lots of love xoxo

It’s okay anon, I know exactly where you are coming from and it means a lot that you are looking out for me.

I will be the first to admit that I have been a broken record for a long long time; I keep talking talking talking but falter when it comes to the walking. Anorexia has well and truly put up a fight these last few weeks and I have been stagnating/putting off change etc and I am SO frustrated by it all. 

I know I have made a lot of progress from where I was in January, however, like you said, if University is going to be feasible in September then I really do need to crank things up. Anorexia has been making up every excuse under the sun, putting off change, dragging it out and yesterday I honestly just felt so tired and frustrated and sick of all of it (and I still do). I have such good intentions and want to get better and know exactly what I need to do but my own mind has stopped me countless numbers of times. I feel like I am constantly fighting against recovery, trying to put it off, dragging things out, making it even harder than it already is/needs to be.

I am not sure whether it is a side effect of malnutrition (I think it probably is) but my thinking is incredibly rigid and I find it hard to deal with change/even trying to process the idea of change is exhausting. And I am not using that as an excuse but it is making decisions incredibly difficult. I know that staying where I am is not an option, and I hate how difficult everything is right now and I know I have been quite, idk, not quite cryptic but not quite open on here about things, and for that I am sorry. I am scared, and that is the truth. I am scared of recovery but I am also scared of this limbo/no man’s land and scared that this is “it” for me. That I will never get anywhere in life. I don’t want to be stuck in another state of quasi-recovery, I can’t go through that again, I just can’t. I have made a lot of changes the past few months and have done things I have not be able to do in years, and this is not me being hard on myself, but there is a heck of a long way for me to go and I need to keep that in mind. Anorexia is far too quick to wrestle in and start calling the shots and saying “right you have done too much, too fast, you need to slow down” and I need to start standing up to it. 

I don’t know where I am going with this but I completely agree with you anon. I have been stuck on repeat and holding myself back. I wish there were a “simply” answer but I suppose it wouldn’t be ‘recovery’ if it were nice and easy and simple. Thanks again for looking out for me, I appreciate it xxx