#and I would sell my sister for the £30 she still fucking owes me

[phalangemedes]

I kept this in my drafts cause I was gunna expand on it, but I dunno if I need to. Either way, I thought it was interesting that the refugee trio from Canaan are all just different aspects of Grief represented through the kaleidoscope of their personhood. Because mourning is a spectrum, no more or less vivid for the death being metaphorical or literal, and there’s been some weird hot takes that more or less emotive grieving is ‘strange’ or whatever, so, onward!

Judith is unable to feel her own emotions (or at least with any depth) because she's made herself an emotional void, due to training (Cohort AND Second expectations), repression and losing Marta. She was already constipated and that tipped her over to cutting her own throat so she’d emotionally starve.

The last emotive thing she had was oh captain my captain levels of obsession for the woman that rejected her romantically, DUTY, and with equal verve the self loathing for wanting that.

(Also she was being medically maltreated by BoE and then used as a Duracell so y'know, you can not like the woman for being an unsympathetic hypocrite but also, rough ol' time for Jodypops)

Corona has used the flamboyance of her emotions as a manipulation tactic since she was like.. 5 and oops it suddenly stopped working! The tits, the smiles and the twinkly eyes have no effect in camo land, if anything, they are tired of her shit and only “warm up” to her when she starts submitting to them in ways they understand (Re: BoE are a hierarchy and she is Not the top rung). She's also grieving Ianthe not wanting her (worse, choosing BABS) and failing to throw her Pretty Girl weight around as much as she used to, whilst cosplaying a Cav to feel worth something (habitual, comforting).

On top of that, she’s bouncing from pillar to post in an attempt to be desired because her worth is locked up in other’s perception of her. (She fails so hard to connect with anyone she starts chatting up G2deon's corpse like.. It's SAD even if she's Tridentarii heinous (affectionate insult))

And Camilla is forcing herself not to feel because she doesn't have time for a breakdown. She's tick listing how to “make things right” through torture (shock bracelet) being used as a means of coercion for Judith (also torture) having what was left of Pal taken away from her (I mean this literally and figuratively, because his skull, then hand, are hope AND HIM) ((likewise the BETRAYAL from a necro and a cav about it)) and being denied doing GOOD (denial of treatment of Judith). I think honestly she reacts the most MUNDANELY, by just... powering through, keeping busy, not thinking about it because then it'll be real.

And she doesn't let herself break until Paul, because she’s still trying to fix everything until the very moment it’s un-fixable. (And in some ways Palamedes takes the burden of it for her, by giving her the choice, the "it's okay, now, you can feel". All that time, bottling the HURT because she has to be useful because if she's not useful what's left? It's the vice of grief as you excuse yourself from the young woman you're caring for, it's locking the bathroom door, sitting in the bath and your body betraying you with the mother and fucker of a panic attacks. It's getting punched in the solar plexus because you turned around to make a comment and not only is that person gone, but they aren’t coming back.

None of them are any more or less tragic, but they are all acceptable and staggeringly normal forms of grieving.

[idga-buck]

Some and Others, 1/?

Bucky wasn’t looking for a relationship, he was looking for a good night’s sleep, but when he found you he got more than he bargained for.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Word Count: 5,758

Content: swearing, soft smut (18+ only), Bucky being clueless, IW and EG just didn’t happen? idk, everyone’s alive and living in the compound #classic, also me fitting in a bunch of information that probably wasn’t necessary for the first chapter but what’s a story without a sturdy foundation?

After a mission, Bucky is some kind of way. Steve is too careful with him, but he doesn’t exactly blame the captain. Plus as an uncommissioned officer, 70 years without promotion, who is he to disagree. Maybe he isn’t ready for a life of avenging. Certainly isn’t ready for the questions that will follow another sleepless night, so Bucky didn’t stay in. He went out.

His memory wasn’t what it used to be, but Bucky recognized your street the second he’d stepped onto it. He’d parked his bike in the grassy alley on his right, gotten coffee at the Caribbean supermarket across the street when he finally left that afternoon. Technology wasn’t his strong suit, despite his depth of interest in it. There was etiquette and a way to do things that were as nuanced as they were mysterious. Bucky often wondered if people just lived by their own set of rules, leaving everyone else in the dark and only interacting with the persistent few who engaged correctly. He didn’t have the patience for that sort of thing. Shuri reminded him of that more than he cared for, but in terms of debts owed, he could smile through her jokes for a lifetime after the second chance she’d given him.

Bucky Barnes was a ladies man… at some point in his life, but more accurately, his life had been colored with women stronger than him since the day he was born. His mother was the first to hold him, followed shortly after by the older sister who tried to sell him to the milkman. Luckily Mr. Spenser wasn't in the market for a throw away babe and Bucky got to grow up in a house dominated by women. His sister, his mother, his grandmother with the accent that was just gibberish outside of their living room, the two more sisters that were welcomed in after him, though he’d never dream of bartering them away for bubble gum. They were all loud, but kind and could always bring a smile to his face. Even still. Rebecca, the most distant in age, but the closest in spirit, was still living. His baby sister was all grown up to the point of growing back down, shrinking in on herself the way old women do. Bucky made regular trips to the Alzheimer’s care center, sitting with her and loving her as only a brother could. Though her recollection of recent history was gone, Rebecca Barnes could still pinpoint the exact moment that all her girlfriends fell in love with her brother, which made Bucky shake his head and laugh. Her CNAs were worried for her mind when Rebecca introduced them to her big brother, looking closer to a man in his 30s than a man from the 30s, but he assured them that she was correct. He hadn’t changed a bit, she told him with two wrinkled hands on his cheeks. In appearance, not as much as he should have, but in all the other ways people usually mean, Bucky couldn’t feel more disconnected from the man he was when Rebecca was all bright eyes and secret kisses under the corner store awning. Bucky had no problem leveling those boys with a stare back then, but now most of them wouldn’t think twice before using their canes as a switch across his shins just for cocking an eyebrow in their direction. Talking to his mother wasn’t possible anymore and his sister wasn’t in a state to give out girl advice. Shuri was on another continent. Natasha… was Natasha and he would never ask for her help with something like this. Wanda was usually awake late at night when he was, but she was still so young.

Bucky looked up from the street, noting your second floor windows were dimly lit. Golden squares stood out against the bricks, blackened by the late hour, and through the gauzy curtains he spotted movement. Without his mother to advise against it or Shuri to give him something better to do, Bucky reached for his phone and scrolled through the recent calls. You’d called yourself before he left, but thinking that he wouldn’t see you again, Bucky hadn’t actually saved the number. Something of a bad habit, he noted, scrolling through lines and lines of unrecognized and unsaved phone numbers, hoping he’d just know it when he saw it. He didn’t.

Until one appeared on its own, presenting him a choice. Answer or reject. A simple question with unknown consequences. Rejecting the call seemed safer, so Bucky pressed the red circle and resumed his search.

“Weren’t you a spy or something?” Your voice drew Bucky’s eyes up from his phone screen to the now open window above his head. You were leaning out a bit, the posture helping your voice to carry over the surprisingly still busy street.

“Somethin’,” he grinned, pocketing the useless device. Both hands secured in his jacket, Bucky tipped back on his heels to get a better look at you. “Gonna invite me up?”

You shrugged and planted your palms against the window sill to lift yourself up. Even from that angle, Bucky was transfixed by your cleavage. Subtle under the tank top you wore, but he remembered it fondly. As if you could hear his thoughts, your arms snapped closed over your chest, bringing the colorful wings of a kimono with them, shielding yourself with floral patterns and defensive body language that made him take a step backwards. “You didn’t call…” you said and though accurate, your accusation made Bucky regret what he was about to do. After waking from the best night’s sleep of his life, he said he’d call you. No amount of self love could bring that much refreshment into his life and the feeling of waking up after a deep and dreamless sleep was enticing enough. The sex was good for a one off sort of thing, Bucky would even say great, but the sleep that came after… he hadn’t been able to replicate it yet. The lure of a good night's sleep and the softness of your body against all of his rough edges were too strong to stop him now. He was committed to this indiscretion, but before he could defend himself, you’d moved on, already smiling again. “And you just ignored my call.”

Bucky’s eyebrows furrowed and lifted in quick succession before he pulled the phone from his pocket again. Saved. And for good measure, he pulled it up to his ear again. You frowned, turning away from the window, presumably to look for your phone. The glass slid shut behind you and Bucky bounced on the balls of his feet while he waited for the metallic purr in his ear to be replaced by something even better.

“What are you doing?” You said over the line.

“Hey, it’s Bucky-“ he heard you stifle your own laughter with a choked ‘oh my god’ in the background. “Remember me?” You hummed and Bucky waited with his eyes on your window. When you didn’t return, he kept talking. “I know it’s late, but I was just in the neighborhood-“ another quiet giggle made him smile as he spoke. “You up?”

“Is this Bucky Barnes’ first booty call?” You asked.

“I guess it is…” he said, half his mouth curving up even though you couldn’t see it. “How’m I doin’ so far?” There was a pause and Bucky started moving toward your door on instinct. It was illogical to think something had happened in those few seconds, but after the day he’d had Bucky didn’t feel confident ruling it out. “Making me nervous out here, doll.”

“You’re doing just fine,” you assured him and Bucky leaned back against the door in relief. “I was about to go to bed… but since you came all this way-“ the end of your sentence was cut off by the loud buzzing in his ear as the lock on the door disengaged from above. Bucky stepped into the first hall, street lamp making the small row of Golden mailbox fronts glitter, and leisurely took the first few steps up. “Better hurry,” you sighed and Bucky stopped, foot hovering over the next step. “Door’s unlocked and I’m already naked.” Bucky was in your apartment and snapping all three locks into their closed position before you’d had the chance to hang up from his impromptu phone call.

You fucked him slowly that night. The rush he felt taking your stairs two at a time dissipated once he was in your bedroom. It wasn’t as frantic or fumbling as it had been the first time and Bucky was happy for the change. When he’d followed you home from the bar, it seemed that both of you had an understanding. One night only, so make it count. It was hard and fast, but so so good. Even the next morning’s repeat and the finale in your shower before he finally pulled away sated had been more like back to back sprints than whatever this gentle marathon was. As if you could feel the stress that Bucky needed to let go of, you moved carefully around him. Totally bare in the bluish glow of the bathroom plug in that lit the scene before him, you took your time undressing Bucky and placing his hands back at his sides whenever he tried to help move things along. When you dropped to your knees, leaving him open and vulnerable standing naked in the middle of your bedroom, he made a sort of wounded noise that made him want to bolt, but didn’t seem to bother you. If anything it spurred you on, drawing more whispers from his rosebud lips until he couldn’t take it anymore. For the first time in his life, Bucky begged for more attention. Not the teasing he did on street corners- come on, baby, you’re breaking my heart here- when a dame tried extra hard to resist his charm. This was real pleading as if he thought he’d die frozen in place without your heat to revive him.

He’d made the right choice. Bucky decided while lying across your bed, one hand twisted up in your pillow case while the other was splayed across your bare thigh, that he’d done the right thing coming to you for this. He could have gone back to that bar or a different one and gone home with another girl just like he had with you, but then he’d be missing the view from under you. Having a new girl everytime Bucky found himself feeling restless sounded exhausting. He’d also determined that his mother would be incredibly disappointed in him if he had rows and rows of unsaved phone numbers from girls that didn’t know they were being used. Finally and maybe most importantly in that moment, Bucky didn’t want to start over with someone brand new. He liked your crumpled linen sheets, liked the smell of ink from the printing studio beneath your apartment. While you rode him to mutual satisfaction, he liked the way your hips rolled sensually over his, liked the slick grind and the dull bite of your nails against his stomach. He liked that after your first, when he asked you to slow down again and extended his hands to you, you took each of them without hesitation. Supporting your weight on outstretched arms, Bucky got to enjoy your hands in his while you gasped out a second. If it had been your first time sleeping together, you’d probably be too prideful or embarrassed to admit that you were tired. He wouldn’t have gotten to hear that whine when you asked if he was close and he replied -smugly- not at all. If it had been your first time together, he’d probably be too prideful or embarrassed to ask you how you wanted him. He wouldn’t know how sweet it felt to have your back pressed up against his chest and he wouldn’t have known to turn you onto your side so he could slip in from behind you. Bucky was so comfortable in your bed with your knee hitched up over his hip, body totally open to his roaming hands. He made the right choice coming back to you and as he finished with a grunt, both arms wrapped around you tight while your arm was bent over his head, gripping his hair with the perfect amount of tension, he’d already decided to make it again.

The next morning, Bucky was refreshed, feeling like a brand new man. That was the feeling he’d been chasing last night or rather very early that morning, but the tightening in his lower body followed by ultimate release was a fine way to get there. Just like last time, he’d woken up alone only to find you in the bathroom, washing sleep from your eyes and fixing your face. His enhanced hearing meant he could listen to the tap running and the echoing “puh” of you spitting into the sink without having to open his eyes. Comfortable and naked against your pillows letting the familiar sounds tell the story of your morning routine. He didn’t mind waiting as long as you crawled back in beside him like last time. Bucky only peeked twice before he heard the zipper of your makeup bag close and the magnet on your medicine cabinet snap shut behind the mirror. You were back with him in a moment and he turned toward your scent, aloe fresh deodorant and sharp minty breath beckoned him closer and he hummed against your lips. If he cared to move, he’d swallow down the remainder of your mouthwash then swap cool kisses until his tongue tingled against yours, but he was so comfortable. Even more so once you’d laid across his chest, bumping your nose and chin against his until he opened his eyes. Bucky dropped his arms heavily across your back, keeping you planted against him, though you hadn’t struggled or made any moves to leave him. He couldn’t have that with someone new. If he swapped your number for someone else’s, he’d have to flirt and wade through the post sex awkwardness again. He’d have to go out more and hope his charm would work on another. He’d have to perform for them the way he had for you the first two times. The third, in your shower, was messy and wet and fun despite the soap in his eyes, which you wiped away for him while his hands were occupied by holding you up. He wouldn’t have that with someone new until he made it happen and frankly he didn’t want to make it happen. Not yet. Not when you were still cute and still into him and still happy to hear from him even at 2 in the morning when he looked like a creep under your window. Why trade all that just to say he could have another then another? Sex was good. That morning stuff was good too. If it was the orgasm that made him feel alive again, then the warmth of your bed and your lips drifting lazily down his chest was what made life worth living. One gal was enough for him. You were enough.

Bucky hadn’t even noticed that he was drifting off again until you spoke. He didn’t hear you, but he sure it didn’t matter and responded with some ta sentiment of his own. “Thanks. For this.”

“Thank you,” you corrected and he smirked at that, eyes still blissfully closed. “Hey, uh— Bucky…” You sounded nervous and he had to force his eyes open at the sound of your voice shaking around his name. You must have noticed his sudden concern and placed a hand soothingly over his chest. “I just…” you bit your lip and Bucky watched the wheels churn behind downturned eyes. It was sweet, the way you could flip from bold and sexy to this. An errant curl fell out of its place and he felt the desire to pull that twisty rebel between two fingers before moving it back to follow the part you’d intended all the up to his second knuckle. Your hair was the kind he wanted to touch over and over. Not because it was your hair per se, but rather because it didn't have that acrid home perm smell or a hundred little pins holding it in place like his sisters and the other girls he ran around with. They spent hours on their waves and rolls, but you flipped a fist full to one side, fluffing it with your fingers when you wanted his attention and damn if it didn’t work everytime. Before he knew it, a vibranium finger against your temple, following the curve of your ear. Your stunned look made Bucky chuckle. He even patted your cheek in encouragement. After a beat, you were gathered again. Another breath and you spoke. “I just wanted to say, I don’t really do this sort of thing.” His eyebrow shot up at that and you scrambled to correct yourself. “Not this,” you half laughed then gestured to his naked body and yours, hardly clothed. “The bringing strangers home from bars thing. I definitely wasn’t expecting to see you again- not that I didn’t love it- I just didn’t want you to think-“

“I think you’re amazing,” he said quickly to assure you he didn’t think anything else. He wouldn’t either. Couldn’t even imagine anything else after making an ass of himself at your first meeting. He’s felt so out of place and vulnerable and ridiculous trying to take you home the night you’d met, but you hadn’t made him feel wrong or silly for it. For that alone he was grateful. For the sex that followed, even more so. You’d met him with just enough teasing to keep him engaged, but not so much that he felt like he was an unwanted addition to your night and whenever his eyes drifted away like he wanted to run and forget the whole stupid idea, you gently guided him back, eyes and words making it clear that you wanted him too. It was a mutual feeling of desire, as simple as it was complicated. Bucky wanted to keep it simple though, if for no other reason than to keep seeing your awkward smile duck into his neck at the eagerness in his voice. He touched your face again and repeated himself. “I don’t think anything… just that I’m glad I met you… and I’d like to keep seeing you.”

You smiled at him and whatever silliness he felt in his confession evaporated. It was the right thing to say. You sighed and leaned in again like you were going to kiss him, before stopping short and looking up at him through your lashes. “I don’t think I can say no to you.”

“Then don’t,” he said, but it felt like begging again as he hoisted you higher up on his chest to kiss you again. The conversation was over and if you weren’t going to say no to him, then he wanted to start his morning with as many breathy yeses as he could get.

Random serendipitous encounters became less random and serendipitous with every passing week. Bucky was feeling lighter, yet somehow more whole. Boy, did he need that. A woman’s lovin’ will do that for you. He vaguely recalls one soldier or another making similar remarks while he was in Italy. Bucky’s blue eyes belonged to the nurses back then, as his own innocence slowly died with each body dropped by his own marksmanship. This new world, new century he now had to navigate was so different. His enemies weren’t always flesh and blood, even the ones that did bleed bled out in black and blue not Nazi red. Aliens, other worldsmen, some very human psychos with eerily familiar ideologies about who was of value and who was not. Bucky fought next to his friend, spilling blood of all colors when necessary, bearing the stains that Captain America couldn’t as a paragon of justice and honor. Then when the ringing in his ears got too loud, he sought you out. Over and over again. He never showed up unannounced and you always answered his call, even when you shouldn’t. You truly didn’t know how to say no to him and he truly didn’t want you to.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Bucky knew it wasn’t love, but he didn’t care. It felt good and it felt right and against his better judgment it helped him sleep at night, knowing you were only a half turn away, hugging your pillow, but content to wrap your arms around him instead as long as he asked. And he asked. When he wasn’t in your bed, it helped him stay sane, knowing that someone in the world was waiting on him, caring from a distance, maybe praying for his return. In the Big War, his mother prayed for him. His sisters too. In these mini wars, fought stealthily around the globe, he had you.

Rebecca was still blessedly alive, but his baby sister only remembered him when she saw his face. He would bet that you remembered him even as he schlepped through the mountains of Siberia for the last time. Always Siberia. Evil men must be allergic to sunlight. Sam had jokingly asked him why he always went back and Bucky had jokingly thrown the Falcon’s coffee away, leaving Sam’s hand empty and his mouth full of indignant teeth sucking. That briefing was blessedly brief and Sam didn’t need the rest of his coffee anyways. The flight via jet was longer, but not as horrible as it could have been. Steve’s sympathetic glances were unbearable. It’s the last time, Buck. Yeah, OK. The mission was a success, if you could call it a mission. Sam spun magnificently through the mouth of a cave while Bucky fired back into it, detonating the whole mountainside and leaving this particular Cold War remnant under an avalanche of snow and well kept secrets, never to be reborn. Steve dealt with the press. He had the face for it. Reputation too. Sam soaked up the due praise that came along with it, the next Captain America with his wings and his wit to carry avenging into the 21st century. Bucky, however, peeled off his heavily armed get up and peeled out of the compound without any formal announcement.

When Bucky left for long periods, most assumed he was doing what Steve Rogers would do. Ride around in his bike, traipse through the old neighborhood noting how much it changed. Captain America was the old man, the icon. He had the luxury of wandering. Bucky hadn’t gone anywhere without a mission in mind since the 40’s. He was a soldier, a weapon and while his mind could no longer be weaponized against him, Bucky was still the guy taking care of things that just wouldn’t wash out of Captain America’s shiny cowl. So when he left the compound, no one asked questions. At least not directly to him, something he was thankful for on the hour or so ride to your place. The Bronx apartment was considerably closer than a nostalgic walk through Brooklyn and he got a lot more out of it. He had no mission in Brooklyn, but you were waiting for him and that was enough.

This particular mission was no different. Steve asked him to stay on site and he declined politely as he could without actually stopping to talk to his friend. Natasha called out his hurried steps and followed him halfway to the garage before giving up at his request. It was glaringly obvious to Bucky how they got along so well. Steve and Natasha were quite the pair. Tenacious friends, like the kind of friends that never give up and definitely won’t let you give up on yourself. He saw it in her fierce allegiance and protectiveness over Clint. Now that Steve was huge and well connected in the Avenging community, Bucky supposed that made him the Barton to Steve’s Romanoff. They were insufferable do gooders too. Sure, Natasha had her fair share of red in her ledger, but once she was with the good guys, she was the best of them. Neither one would hesitate to throw themselves on a grenade or over a cliff if it meant someone else’s chance to live. They were do it or die trying people. Sam was… Sam was Sam. And when he spotted Bucky making a beeline to the exit, he just waved and shouted “have a good ride.” The wink was uncalled for and made Bucky question how much Sam really knew. He was a deadly intuitive little shit and despite Bucky’s best attempts not to even think it… one of the best people he’d ever known. Not that he felt the need to tell Sam that. He probably already knew it. Blessedly, Bucky ran into no other superheroes on his way through the compound. The garage, more like a hangar, was empty. Only the most expensive toys in Tony Stark’s arsenal and a high tech key coded workshop that Bucky felt so out of place in he kept a small tool box of his own so he wouldn’t have to wander through it. God forbid he go digging for a socket wrench and laser one of his fingers off. Anything was possible on Stark property.

Bucky zipped across the Hudson and sped toward the zoo, stopping at the deli on the corner and looking up two floors at the flat corner window. You weren’t waiting for him like usual. He’d pulled off the road once he got away from the compound and called you like he always did, giving you plenty of advance warning. It would be more gentlemanly to ask your permission before leaving home, but you hadn’t turned him down yet and if you ever did, he figured he’d keep driving anyways just to be away from everyone else for a while. Most times, when Bucky rounded the corner, slipping his bike into the space between your building and the overgrown lot next door, you found your way to that window, waving him up and putting a little something extra in his steps. You weren’t there, but you knew he was coming, so he made his way to the building’s entrance. A call, a buzz, a knock and Bucky was in your space again, taking a deep breath and inhaling the sweetness from your kitchen.

Your back was turned to him, having opened the door for him before rushing back to your place at the counter without a formal greeting, and Bucky watched curiously as you dropped little chocolate chip cookies onto a paper plate. You waved your fingers around after using your bare hands to pull them off the parchment paper and sucked your thumb between your lips to rid it of a rogue chocolate dripping. Bucky eyed the plate presented to him then looked up into your eyes.

“I googled you,” you said proudly. Bucky nodded and said okay, like he knew what that meant. It sounded sexual, but he hadn’t seen you in a week and frankly, he was more interested in googling than cookies. “It’s your birthday, Bucky! Why didn’t you say anything?” You looked delightfully scandalized and held out two cookies for him, which he accepted with a half smile. They were warm and started to fall apart between his fingers, so he shoved both into his mouth before making a gooey mess of himself. While his mouth was full, you cleaned up your tiny kitchen and dropped the plate onto the coffee table in the living area, talking about how embarrassing it was that you hadn’t thought to look him up sooner, but how lucky you felt that you’d thought about it after he called. You wished you’d had time to make a cake, but wanted to be home when he arrived, so freezer cookies were the best you could do after work.

You weren’t dating. Not really. That was why Bucky hadn’t mentioned it. Steve and Natasha wanted to make a big stink out of it, but he wanted no part of that. He just wanted to see you and get some of that good sleep he only got in your apartment after wearing you out two or three times. Sitting on the couch next to you, he took another cookie from the plate. They were better than they looked and he planned to clear the whole dang thing before taking you to bed. Maybe he’d save a few for the refractory period. You’d need sustenance too. So Bucky took his fourth cookie, which made you smile even wider and pledge to leave the rest for later.

The truth was, Bucky hadn’t celebrated a birthday in decades. The last one he could remember being awake for was in the seventies. He waited outside the governor's mansion in Bermuda for hours, watching a dinner party eventually lull and disperse. The Winter Soldier had no clue of the cruel irony watching another man’s party on one’s birthday, the asset’s only focus was quickly killing the governor and his companion once they stepped out of the house for a walk. He’d spared the dog though, a massive and beautiful beast without a single aggressive bone in its body who loped away from the scene whining. You hated that story when Bucky confessed it. He hadn’t felt the need to go into much detail regarding his time as the fist of Hydra. At first because he didn’t care for you to know. It was a fling. Fun. What pieces he did remember from those days were anything but fun. After determining that he liked you, really liked you, Bucky kept his trap shut for fear of scaring you. You knew who he was in theory, but as long as he wasn’t relaying his bloodiest days to you like he was now, maybe you wouldn’t look at him like the monster he didn’t want to be anymore. To his surprise, you hated that he sat in a tree watching people eat and drink and laugh the night away on his birthday, regardless of whether he knew it at the time. However, you zeroed in on his attempts to spare the dog, filling in the blanks that somewhere deep within the Asset, he had maintained some of his humanity. Some of his Buckyness.

“I don’t know if that helps… or if it makes everything worse…” you said, hesitating to go on, but he caught your meaning. Was it better to think that Hydra succeed in wiping him clean, using only his body and latent memories, discarding his mind all together? Or was it somehow hopeful, to think that in all their trying to eliminate Bucky Barnes in order to free their Asset, some piece of him had remained intact? Bucky wasn’t sure he could stomach the idea that any part of him had been present during grizzly assassinations, nor could he ever fully shake the idea that he wasn’t. Either way, these conversations weren’t what he came to you for.

While you were still looking shy, wondering if you should have stopped him from telling his story, Bucky kissed you. It was sweet, not just from the chocolate on his breath. “Thank you,” he said softly, thumbing a brown smudge at the corner of your mouth. “For the cookies. For listening.” His eyes passed over each of yours in turn. “Thanks for being here.”

“Of course,” you smiled. It wasn’t as obvious as you made it sound, but he liked that you felt it was. “I could be around more, you know.” Bucky didn’t know what you meant, but that became clear in a matter of moments. You sucked in your lips and started again. “I know we haven’t talked about...uh, well, what this is, but you’ve been coming over for a while now and I guess…”

“You guess?” Bucky prompted you to continue, when you trailed off.

“I didn’t expect you to still be calling me, so I guess I’m asking,” you said. “Asking what we are now?”

“Oh.” Bucky hadn’t meant to say it like that, but it came out like that and your eyes widened immediately. He scrambled, grabbing your hands quickly and holding them both in a firm pile against your thigh. “Oh, meaning, I didn’t think that’s what we were doing here, so this is unexpected.”

“Oh,” you respond and Bucky imagines you meant it exactly how it sounded. Disappointed and the single syllable precursor to his being disinvited from your apartment. And your bed. And your everything.

“But, I like the idea,” he supplies quickly, but he can see your look is hesitantly hopeful. “Of more, I mean. Seeing where… ya know.”

“Yeah,” you smile and Bucky breathed out his relief. “So we’re together…?”

“As together as we can be,” he said, having no clue what he meant by it, but it seemed to be the right thing considering how you kissed him. You pulled your hands from his to wrap behind his neck and fit yourself into his lap. Bucky’s hands went to your thighs, spread wide over his hips, and he squeezed his way up the backs to your jean pockets, slipping his hands inside to squeeze again. “Here or…” Bucky pulled away to catch his breath and nod in the direction of your bedroom.

“Take your girlfriend to bed, Bucky,” you laughed, kissing him again and he stood with you still in his arms, legs clinging to his lower back. Girlfriend. Okay, Bucky decided in a snap. He could work with that. Especially if it meant chocolate chip cookies and birthday sex. Which reminded him and you giggled as he turned back around, hoisting you higher up on his torso with the vibranium arm below your butt and stooped carefully to grab the plate of cookies with the other before taking you and your cookies to bed.

His first relationship in the 21st century had surprised him. Come out of nowhere and nothing. One moment he was standing at a bar, nursing a beer that wouldn’t affect him at all while he listened to talk about your job before not so subtly asking about his, the next it was his birthday and he had a mouthful of chocolate chip cookies while you had a mouthful of him. It’s funny how fast life changes. If only he’d known just how quickly his new relationship would fall apart.

A/N: I’ve been cooking up this series for a while now and I thought, why not post the first bit and see what happens. First time writing for this fandom, so we’re diving in head first with a feckin’ long series and some foolin’ around. I do welcome tags if you’re interested.

Masterlist

[cherries-with-sweets]

(Rambling about retail and people)

Standing behind a cash register works like a truth serum.

Like you're just chilling, doing your job or whatever and someone comes in and tells you their life story.

I was just chilling a few weeks ago and a lady comes in, gets some chocolate and starts with "I live nearby and noticed a drone circling my home and I was so freaked out. I didn't even notice it at first but then I did and it has been hovering about my apartment for 2 days now! I called the police and they told me that a TV show is doing drone shots for something and they have a permit so they didn't do anything. Then I finally had enough went to the park and saw the guys who controlled it and talked to them and they were SO unfriendly! They didn't even look like they're from a TV show... but that got me quite worked up even tho I didn't like yell at them... So I'm buying some chocolate to cool off and stop worrying" with me going "yeah thats crazy" every once in a a while. Then she hurried off and looked a little ashamed of her oversharing.

Another time a guy comes in, hands me his recycling stuff, I hand him his cash and he just started going off about his live. He came back every day to talk to me and got increasingly annoying and drunker every time. He told me lots of things and I'm sure at least 30% of it where straight up lies but it was crazy. He told me about his wife that died, how he had a stroke, went to Portugal, hooked up with his Swedish, weed smoking teacher roommate (I think that's a lie), how he came back to nothing, got an inner city apartment (even tho he had massive homeless vibes, my conclusion was that his sister pays for it, because he gave me a consistent address in his vague descriptions?), has no car because his license got stolen in Portugal, how he was a police officer but stopped because he didn't like it (a lie because:), he told me he was a brain surgeon but quit because he did't want to make a mistake (also a lie), how he used to drive rent cars across the country (more realistic) and have parties with them?, how his sister is a bore unless they go partying, about how she didn't let him visit because she was so paranoid about corona, how corona was fake but also real (he slurred that part) and at some point I felt like his mom? He would come in, buy nothing, tell me how he is going to go home to take a nap and what he is going to eat later and if I want to see his cool new bike and how well he played the drums and how he is starting a band again and how all the 20-something student girls want to fuck him blah blah blah. He made a huge mess, I told him to stop, he flipped on me and now he is not allowed in the store again (cuz he was also kind of an ass when he got drunk, and he got REALLY drunk REALLY often, wich did scare me into buying pepper spray).

Now another drunk/homeless dude comes in and talks to me about the guy from before and how much he dislikes him and how he lost control and that he owes him 20 bucks, even tho he seemed close to him because he came in holding a sign for above dude's band/general motto??? now he is clearly on my side about "you can't be an ass to the store clerk that sells you your alcohol and you can't make a mess and scare away customers like he does!" and I chat a bit with him, nodding and being friendly and BAM he is sitting outside the store, yelling at nothing, scaring away customers and making a mess for me to clean up...

Another homeless guy yells bloody murder (and I mean the murder part literally) every time he sees me working, after month of being very nice and understanding and generous to him. Why? Well he came in, mumbling to himself, ordering a coffee, somehow emptying a whole pack of sugar into a small coffee, stirring it for 30 minutes while pulling his mask off every 30 seconds to take a sip (I guess to get more sugar into the coffee?), while mumbling numbers to himself. After those 30 minutes I told him, sternly, not mad or unfriendly, to please keep his mask on while in the store. He turned to me, came close to the counter, calling me a whore, a murderer, that I killed my baby? (while calling me a wrong name), how if he sees me here again he will kick my head in and strangle me and what not. I called the police (I know tumblr hates the police but how the fuck should I have deescalated that myself? I thought he is going to kill me) and he left, throwing his self made coffee syrup at the window. (I just want to add that I work the morning shift to avoid aggressive/too drunk customers, so all of this happend between 9am and 3pm on the weekend)

There is a nice lady that comes by frequently and we talk about the weather, everything closing/reopening, about customers and what we do for the holidays or vacation and its very pleasant! And yet you are kind of surprised when someone starts talking about relationships and loss and grief while you where thinking "I need to restock the cookies soon". But its still pleasant!

A longer while ago, I was working in a supermarket and talked to a guy buying several packs of smokes about how I never should start smoking. He told me how he started smoking at like 13 years old and had 5 heart attacks and a stroke or something and developed some bad disease that could kill him any moment now so he is just going to keep smoking because he can't make it worse. He talked about his son, how he became a paramedic and saved his life by reanimating him once, and how bad he felt to make his son go through this. It was a cautionary tale and really drove the point home more than any rotting lung on a pack of smokes ever could... But also I was 18, it was my first job and we were standing in the toilette paper aisle and was called to the register in the middle of the conversation.

This is only the tip of the iceberg but damn, retail should be payed more just based on the emotional toll it takes... Like I would have never encountered so much human suffering in an (better paid) office job copying some papers...

[dragonstoravens]

Babylon Vol. 1: A Favor For A Friend

[ID: a blue patterned banner with text reading “BABYLON.” End ID.]

By dragonstoravens and @charlottedotexe​

(In keeping with the plan to post an update every Friday, here’s chapter 5. A lot of these early chapters are a bit shorter, in a sort of anthology style as we get to know the characters. Hope you enjoy!)

5. A Favor For A Friend

Trinity leaned back on his couch with a groan, hovering over the ‘send’ button on his chat screen. This had to be the weirdest last resort ever, but this week had been yet another lesson in how not to have a social life in your 20s, by well known business mogul Trinity Jericho. Sure, he and Azure had been talking for some time now, ever since she fixed his eye, and sure, he was starting to consider her perhaps the closest friend he had, but that didn’t make his request any less strange. Still, it was either this, or pay a literal spy to come with him. His younger sister Adriel had offered, in return for as many juice pouches as she wanted, but that likely would have raised more rumors than it put to rest, and that would defeat the whole purpose of this crazy plan. He sighed, speaking aloud to his empty office. “I can’t send this message.”

A quiet ding from his screen’s voice control. He hadn’t realized it was on. “Message sent.”

“Fuck.”

Azure’s response was nearly instantaneous. 

[Azure] You want me to dress up and go to some fancy shindig with you?

[Azure] Is the theme of the night bad dates with lacking manners? Surely you’ve got better options, dude. No hot supermodels? Cool alien mistresses? Long lost childhood friends you’ve been forlorn about losing since they moved away, but you just saw them at the supermarket and now your whole world is changing?

    A pause.

[Azure] Ignore that last one, that’s the plot of a book I’ve been reading.

Trinity chuckled despite himself. The manners issue had, in fact, been one of his many worries about this whole request. But he couldn’t back out now.

[Hotshot] I’m not going to dignify most of those questions with a response. It was this or pay my 13 year old sister in juice pouches, and that’ll raise more questions than it settles. I promise it’s a one time thing-- I just need the Polinskis to stop throwing their daughter at me.

 He paused, biting the inside of his lip as he debated once more if this was actually a good idea.

[Hotshot] You don’t have to. I know you’re not experienced with this kind of event, or this kind of society.

Azure read the message and sat back in her chair, thinking. She hated fancy parties, they required being stuffy and shoved into dresses that wouldn’t last eight seconds in her lab before getting too dirty to ever wear again, and rich people liked to smell like weird fruit these days along with being judgemental to a degree that gave her hives to think about. But still, Trinity had been growing on her these last few months. Maybe once wouldn’t kill her, if it made his life a little easier. She was nothing if not a giver, and it would give her an excuse to use some fun experimental tech she’d been hoping to test out.

[Azure] Yeah, I'll suffer through it once. You owe me, though. I'll have my brother whip up somethin' for us to wear. You think a MiZara original will sell the ludicrous idea that I'm in any way fancy, or am I gonna have to read up on shrimp forks to pass?

    Trinity couldn’t quite stop himself from sighing in relief. She hadn’t said no.

[Hotshot] You’re right, I owe you. Thanks.

Message sent and one more stressor out of the way, although he still wasn’t sure this wasn’t going to come back to bite him later, possibly in the form of Azzy being… well, herself, in high society. There was a lot he would have to teach her, and not nearly enough time to do it. He read over her message again with a sigh. At least she was taking care of the… dress?

Azure’s screen displayed the message ‘Hotshot is typing’ for 30 seconds. A minute. Two.

Ping.

[Hotshot] Wait, MIZARA?

He could practically hear her peal of laughter at his moment of realization.

[Azure] My last name is Zaraya. I already told you my brother was a designer. I thought you'd’ve put two and two together by now, hotshot, what happened to that mastermind brain of yours?

Trinity shook his head bemusedly as he typed, even though she couldn’t see it. 

[Hotshot] You’re the one who always says I think about nothing except work. Anyway, I have suits, I don’t want to owe you any more than I already do for making you wear a dress.

[Azure] If you think he’s gonna let us go without matching, you’re outta your mind and also you clearly do not know my brother.

 Azure sighed as the message whooshed away. They had a lot of ground to cover if she didn’t want to ruin her buddy’s reputation on sight. Cover stories and false names and back up plans, along with how to walk in heels and other weird things that she was definitely not suited for. 

[Azure] Alright hotshot, tell me everything I need to be a high society girlfriend. Crimson can help me brush up on manners, but we might want a plan. I haven’t been on a date in ages, can’t say I recall how they work.

[Hotshot] I have a plan, don’t worry. But you don’t have to play a *girlfriend.* I’m not going to ask you to closet yourself for this.

[Azure] Nah, it’s cool. If I’m not acting like a whole different person, it won’t stick, and then I’ll do something dumb and ruin the whole thing. Plus the idea of coming out to a whole lot of new people all night gives me hives. Now c’mon, gimme the rules. I have flashcards to make.

Trinity couldn’t blame her for that. For all that he liked to keep his personal life very, well, personal, he had taken a chance and corrected someone as to his sexuality once. To one person. At the next event, half of his contacts were throwing double the children at him, now aware that men and women were both fair game. The other half had mostly made some inane reference to him being a “player” or the obligatory threesome joke, and a few had awkwardly avoided him ever since-- which he honestly couldn’t complain about. He’d honestly prefer more of his acquaintances to be the specific brand of biphobic that meant they’d leave him alone. 

Reading over Azure’s message one more time, he stifled a tiny chuckle. Flashcards, for the rules of dating in society? At least his next event would be entertaining.

Taglist (ask to be added or removed!): @glitterandstarshine @rainbowcoloreddays @the-starlight-chills @erased-in-stone

General: @elywritesbydarkness @residentofthedisc @humour-and-hyperfocus @skyfirewrites

[portiaphan]

DV Characters as Things Hannibal Buress Has Said

Alex: "I'm a gangsta, and gangstas don't ask questions." Yes they do ask questions! I thought that was a main point of being a gangster. "Hey, mothafucka, where's my money?" That's a question. "Do you want to die tonight?" That's a question too. "What? What?" That's two questions.

Alva: Gibberish rap is - I freestyle all the time, just hangin' out with friends. And sometimes when I'm freestyling, I'll lose my flow, you know, but I'll still wanna - I don't wanna just stop rapping because I lose my flow. So I'll just put in nonsense words till I can bring in regular words again.

Brielle: I couldn't imagine only being an actor or a writer. Because what the hell do I do when I'm not working? Mope?

Battista: I’m a dumb guy. My point of view is limited.

Bellamy: Why are you booing me? I'm right!

Beau: SIX PACK ABS! TEN PACK ABS! TWELVE PACK! What if I want an odd number of abs? What if I want a five pack to show people I'm still humble?

Bernadette: My other airport nemesis is airport security. I don't like them at all. They seem so dedicated to keeping bottled water out of the sky.

Calina: I acknowledge that I jaywalked, I apologize not for the act of jaywalking but how my jaywalking made you feel. I'll try not to jaywalk in the future while you're watching but trust that I'll do it for the rest of my life - it's the best way to go about being a pedestrian.

Castora: There's a lot of dudes in my neighborhood that have handlebar mustaches. Which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache but don't try to have a conversation with me like you don't have a handlebar mustache.

Catherine: He said, "Man, we are right by the Adige River. These buildings are 200-300 years old, they have rats everywhere. Even the five-star restaurants have rats!" Somehow he made me feel like the asshole for bringing up rats! I don't know what kind of jedi mind trick that was - it confused the hell out of me because I still ended up ordering food then.

Cyrus: So we talk for a little bit. She says stuff, I say stuff, she says stuff, I say stuff. You know how a conversation works.

Celeste: I get upset easily by people. I saw this guy- he was on the phone. He had the phone between the ear and shoulder like that, but he didn't have anything in his hands. Which is really upsetting! Who the hell do you think you are? This action for people that are multitasking. Where's your other task? You're not doing anything else.

Daphne: He'd be the worst real estate agent ever. "Right here we have a 34 bedroom house. Let me show you around the property. Great features to this place, some of the rooms have extra, smaller rooms in them."

Delilah: I was in Scotland for all of August and it was the darkest time of my life. Mostly 'cause they call cookies biscuits. I don't like that at all. It was an incredible culture shock for me, tough to adjust but I tried for a few weeks. Pass me the chocolate chip BISCUITS. Let's have biscuits and milk, everybody. I love Oreo biscuits. But, in the fourth week, I couldn't handle it no more. THOSE ARE COOKIES THOSE AREN'T BISCUITS. Those are cookies. Cookies are cookies and biscuits are biscuits. If you call cookies biscuits, what do you call biscuits 'cause I'm not saying scones.

Everett: I did not move to Verona with a plan. The first time I moved to Verona, I just popped up. My sister was living here in Verona. I just popped up. She had her baby and a husband, and I just popped up. "Hey, what's up? I got $200 and dreams. Let's do this."

Genevieve: I can't just look at a status and move along. I see a status got 36 'likes' — can't accept it got 36 'likes' and move along. I got to click on it and start reading the names of the people that liked it. "Oh, yeah. Jim would 'like' some shit like that."

Grace: Yo ma, money over everything.

Halcyon: Awe man, I gotta get a team. I don't have a team, I just have friends. I call up my friend, "Hey man, I know you're my friend but I need you on my team right now."

Hazel: You have a regular-sized tub and a miniature tub, the sink.

Henry: You never know what could happen when you go into a store - somebody might pull a Tonya Harding on you and break your knee cap. And now you got your knees all fucked up just ‘cause you wanted to get that vinyl.

Hugo: It sounds like God owed someone some money and they couldn’t get to him, so they murked his son. That’s what I really think happened. Jesus got stabbed up in an alley… but it’s easier to sell crucifixes. You can’t sell a pendant of someone getting shanked up in the alley. It’s a marketing scheme.

Ivan: Come to your place at 5:00 in the morning, eat your food, drink your drinks, leave at 6:30 without fucking like it’s cool. That’s a passive burglary.

Isabelle: Two separate charges $400 at Barnes and Noble. Who balls out of control at Barnes and Noble?

Juliana: Believe in yourself like one of those weird-ass clothing stores that only have six shirts in them. So many questions. How much do these shirts cost? How long have y'all been here? Why is there a DJ?

Katarina: Kill people, burn shit, fuck school, I hate spam emails! That's annoying! You think you have an email from a friend but it's spam.

Lucien: I believe in my ability to not spill food in my pants 'cause I'm a goddamn adult. And I've mastered the art of getting food from my plate to my mouth without messing up my jeans. You need to believe in yourself, too and get your life together, that's for babies. Have some confidence in your eating abilities and hand/eye coordination.

Lucrezia: I'VE ALREADY SEEN LIMITLESS.

Lillian: I'm not a club person, I'm more of a bar/lounge type of person. But, I'll go anywhere if you give me a free bottle of alcohol.

Mikael: I have weird aspirations. Like, I really want to kick a pigeon.

Matthias: It's a weird emotion when you're flattered and cynical at the same time. "Oh, that's nice that you would say that, but what the fuck are you up to?"

Marcelo: I just wear black and gray all the time. If you Google Image me, you'll just see a bunch of black and gray. It's simple. If I like a shirt, I'll buy six or eight of them, wear them back-to-back, and just wait for somebody to say something. "That's the same shirt you wore yesterday." "Yeah, but this one is fresh."

Maeve: When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.

Nikolai: But this time, it was me and this old lady we were jaywalking together. We weren't together like that. But if we were, so what? Mind your business.

Odessa: It was a phone interview and sometimes when I do phone interviews and the journalist is boring, I just start saying crazy stuff to make it fun for me.

Olivio: There have been times I’ve been out, and my phone battery is at nine percent, and I was like, "Time to go home."

Orion: Don’t thank the lord. I gave you that compliment, thank me.

Priam: I lost my debit card recently, had five charges on it before I caught it. First charge, $30 Chuckee Cheese. Who goes to Chuckee Cheese as soon as they find a debit card? Are you serious?

Paola: I applied for a job at Starbucks. One of the questions was, 'Why do you want to work at Starbucks?' Uh, because my life is in shambles.

Pandora: I don't even know how to use a semicolon to this day, I use a comma every time. And you know what? If I email somebody and they get upset about me using a comma instead of a semicolon, that's not a person I want to work with anyway. And that's how you weed people out of your life.

Ramona: I went into this restaurant in Verona called The Two Gentlemen. Went into the bathroom at The Two Gentlemen, huuuuge rat in the bathroom at The Two Gentlemen and the rat looked at me like "the fuck you doing here?" That was his vibe, very negative vibe.

Rafaella: Sometimes I get drunk and I get into arguments with taxi drivers. And I get out the cab and I slam the door. That's not the way to win an argument with a taxi driver. The way to win is you get out of the cab and you leave the door open.

Regina: And that was the first time in my life, without any sarcasm, I could say, "What? You want a cookie or something?" Because any other time you say that, you being mean, but I meant it from my heart. "How many cookies you want, man? You want seven cookies? That's way too many cookies. You're being ridiculous right now. You can take, like, three or four cookies and get out of my face. Otherwise, you're taking advantage of my generosity."

Ronan: Wack.

Roman: In my hometown of Verona, I'm kind of a medium deal.

Theodora: We got interns at the job. You can just tell them to do stuff. You gotta be nice, though. I had this cat fax something. I handed him a couple of pages, and I handed him another page. I said, "Hey, man, fax something for yourself, too."

Tomas: Rap videos confuse me cause they have to be continued at the end but the never make a sequel. Where’s the second video? There’s so much suspense!

Trinity: I was at the airport and there was this kid, four or five years old walking with his mommy, fixed his fingers in a fake gun, and then took a shot at me. And I'm looking at the wall to see if there's something on the wall he could've been shooting at 'cause I'm in denial. I look back at him, he looks me in the eyes and takes too more shots. Now I'm hit three times, that's an act of aggression. I need to defend myself.

Valentina: Morpheus, Dorpheus, Orpheus, go eat some walruses. Orifices, porridges. Morpheus, Morpheus. Going to the Buffet and Walruses. Confidence, corpseses. Worcestershire sauce. Go into your orifices. Red pill, blue pill. Morpheus, walruses. Seashells by the seashorpheus. MORPHEUS DRINKING A FORTY IN THE DEATH BASKET.

Vivianne: "We'll keep you in our thoughts" With the other bullshit in your heads? No, keep me out of your thoughts, because I hear some of the stuff you talk about and if that's close to what you're thinking about, I don't want to be around that, so keep me and my family out of your thoughts, unless you're thinking of making me a sandwich.

[cybernightwanderer]

“ My Reiki and Yoga New Free Soul Brother - Once an abuser manipulative thieve , money driven leach “

Well thats a big tittle to describe one person entirely. So my ( midle ) brother across my kid years and then teenager developing to adult, my brother was an interesting person. For example, in school my brother would pretend he didnt know me , and if i even dared to aproach him he would shame me in front of everyone, even thought they already knew i was his sister, i was bullied a lot in school so at the start i tried a few times reaching out to him , specially because i didnt have any friends and id always be alone. This motherfucker who was already a teenager completly dismissed me , BUT would actually seek me out or talk to me when he needed lunch money because he already “ spent his”, funny enough hed get mine to eat coz he didnt wanna use his, and if i didnt gave him even though i hadnt eaten , he would guilty me badly , and being the kid that i was , my brother was everything to me , even tho he didnt gave a shit about me.

So in consequence i started drawing a distance line between me and him, at home id start to distance myself and ignore him. And he started getting like a really attention whore, hed always annoye me , and force me to hangout, and i didnt he would threaten me or do some shit at the house and blame me for it , because my mother at the tinniest shit at home would beat the crap out of me , so me being the little kid that i was tired of getting beatings for no random reason , id play along. My brother would literally antagonzie me and scare the shit out of me while so. Everytime my family went anywhere , for example the beach, id try to go to the water alone for some peace this motherfucker would sneak behind me and try to drown me as a joke , like every 5 minutes, id yell in panic and my mom wouldnt do shit, eventually id end up actually chocking on water and  hit my head on the sand and cry the rest of the time. So yeah FUN ! Did my mom do anything ? ofc no , “ hes just playing around “. I had BD collections that id buy with my lunch money that sometimes id save up, disney movie cassettes and so on. Sometimes id have snacks in my room to eat when studying or something. My brother, being a full grown ass teenager that he was , would steal everything without me even catching a glimpse of it. My brother would “ borrow “ things without asking then hide them because he wanted. I had two final fantasy collectible caracters that i spent my leftover bday money on, and my brother would take it as his own. Yes because whatever birthday money i got wether it be 50 euros or even 20 from my grandma or aunt, my mom would take it “ borrowed” for herself with no justification, shed always say “ Ah lend me i need it  / or / I always buy you clothes and everythings, i buy you food , you owe me this , thats the minimum you could do / “ or / she would just take it without me knowing , she would inspect my bday gifts and take it before hand , the problem is that my grandma or aunt would always after if i was gonna save it up and id ask what and they would question what i did with the money and i would ask what money and blah blah , you get where this is going.

OH and if i didnt give my money the money she would beat me up ! wich is funny asf. My brother literally sold all my things behind my back, my original BDS, MY FUCKING POISON IVY STORYLINE BD, my disney cassetes , my collectibles, and my snacks he would steal and eat. If i had saved up money hidden, first he would try to borrow it and guilty me with the “ im such a good brother to you , you cant even lend me money ? i will pay you back, trust me “ ... ofc he never payed me back , but every two weeks he woul do this shit. And if i by any chance didnt gave him , hed just steal, or sell my things, wich regardless of me lending him , he would do it anyway. Fast forward to my early teenage years, i had to start working , i quit school because we entered that internet deth with my moms company, wich my brother also contributed to but let the blame to me ofc, i was already the punch bag of the family what is one more thing. My brothers were always my moms “ babies “ even tho one was already a full grown ass man and the other was already on his way. My brother did nothing at home , didnt take the dog outside, didnt take out the trash, didnt make food, didnt wash the dishes, didnt clean the house, basicly sit on his ass all day playing video games and eating, and selling my shit for money. My brother was unemployed for 3/4 years in between those i studied and worked at the same time , and did all the house chores, even if i had to walk the dog as 2/3 am after work i would have to, even tho my brother was in bed all day. My mom would literally yell at me and make my life a living hell and threaten to hit me if i didnt do it or even dared to complain. I would get home trying to study , trying to recorver at school ,and she would yell non stop until i didn every house chore, wich i would only manage to finish at midnight or later, and then id be too tired and unmotivated to do anything so id just sleep, and id always get late to class thanks to that. When my brothers started working, it was at my dads wearehouse, where i was forced to work too. Id work 8 to 10 hours , sometimes more, because we got payed by publicity stock packs, each pack was worth 1 euro, wich also 1 pack took 1 hour and 15/20 minutes to make. So if i wanted to make the day worth anything i had to rush , no eating breaks or pee breakes. My hands at the end of the day would literally be filled with newspaper and printed paper ink and dirk, and tons of cuts and sores , that would be leeched in paper ink, wich make it hurt even more at the end of the day, and was really hard to take it out. My brother would take breaks every 30 minutes to smoke , be on his phone or even go to bathroom or eat randomly, i wouldnt stop the 8 hours straight, and when i actually had to go to the bathroom or eat something because id get sick, my brother literally stole packs from me, or try to “ negociate my help for X “, the thing about my brother is that hed always try to negociate something , ofc it was always entangled for his own benefit and not both.

So it was like this my brother came up to me all excited and say “ oh if you do this to help me , ill split the profit that way we will make more and will be less exausting “ stupid like i was id always give in, specially because if i didnt  hed steal anyway.... Hed always change his methods and works, and guilty me if i didnt do it, so id always have to do so. If i didnt hed just change the pack registration list either way, without me even seeing it, and fake my signature, i only found out we had to sign an official paper a few months later when my dad asked, before that my brother would always tell me to note them on my phone then send the numbers by the end of the week, and since he was the bosses son , every one backed up that story ofc.  Eventually when i started to get older , i cut ties with my brothers and dad. And my ( midle ) brother was constantly trying to reach out and play nice and shit , also he was still working at the wearhouse . Anyway , fast forward when i got unemployed after the 5 star hotel due to rape attent and shit like that, i was unemplyoyed for 4 moths?! My brother tried to reach out , and even came home before my mother to try and persuade me to enter one of his schemes, i explained to my brother that i didnt have any money and that i wouldnt believe anymore of his stupid schemes and blah blah. He swore he was only trying to make up to me , and the plan was , i would pretend to work at my dads  wearehouse, but i would just be there 2 times a week and he would give me a cut of the protfit, coz if he didnt want my dad to hire some random slow guy, so he set up to do a two persons work, and give me 30 % of the monthy rate and all i had to do is show up a few times for my dad to see i was there, and then go home. That motherfucker insisted for 3 days straight promissing it wasnt a scheme and that he was serious this time. OBVIOUSLY THAT DIDNT HAPPEN OBVIOUSLY- with the last 10 euros i had, i bought train tickers to the wearhouse, the first week he actually stick to his word, a few days later the shit started, he actualy forced me to deliver shit and stuff. Wich for me was really difficult because its when i started to develop hernias, and the pain was too overwhealming, and that fucker didnt care and still forced me to, eventually i told him i was out , and found out he still used my name in his shit plan  and pretended i was still working there to my dad for two whole months , and then begged me to lie to my dad on the phone, hed literally call me before my dad trying to get me to lie, and promissing the money, and hed ask my mom to pressure my to help him. What could i do??!! what happend after you may ask? did my brother gave me the money? OFC NO ! NO! He gave me 115 euros of the cut , and he made 996 euros to himself. And told me it was only for the days “ i actually worked “  NEVER IN MY LIFE  I VERBALLY EVER SAID TO ANYONE , FAMILY OR NOT  “ I hope you die, you are shit , you are nothing to me , seriously i hope you die “ and acually meant it and wished it. For the first time in my life i actually wished so hard for my brother to just die. I was done, i was officialy done , i had never been so done with someone. I was officialy done with my family. I blocked my dad on everything, i told my dad to fuck off. I told my older brother to fuck off. I told my middle brother to go die. And the last person was my dying grandma who was a snob ass piece of shit who only gave a shit about me when i was a little girl ( because its only cute when they r kids  ), to stop trying to call me and told her to just go and die. She literally sent me a voice message of 5 minutes crying beggin me to see her, and i just told her to go and die, its not because she is dying that is gonna erase the fact that she didnt gave a shit about me after i actually grown. And the fact that i did this apparently scared the shit out my dad and brothes, specially because i did it so naturally. AND TO THIS DAY I DONT REGRET WHAT I SAID AND I STILL DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HER. OH AND PLOT TWIST SHES NOT DEAD NOR WAS SHE DYING, LAST YEAR SHE TRIED TO SCHEME MONEY OUT OF MY MOM, AND BEFORE THAT SHE WOULD ALWAYS TREAT MY MOM LIKE SHIT AN CALL HER NAMES, FUNNY ! Now they try to sneak into my life really AGAIN ... ffs Since the end of last year, apparently my brother turned into reiki and yoga and shit and is now driving a motivational fuck page for people who wanna “ grow spiritually and open the third eye “ and is trying to reconnect with me again, obviously i cut him off before he could even talk to me. So he spent 3 months or so , coming here and trying, and since he didnt get anything since january and february hes trying to manipulate me behind my mother, my mother is venting to my brother about me being closed off to them , and my brother is DIAGNOSING ME AS A PROBLEM, BECAUSE HE IS SO WISE AND ENLIGHTED... WTF??? diagnosing me??? ur not a fucking therapist you asshole ! The other day i heard him tell my mother in the living room , that “ SHE CANT LIVE LIKE THIS ITS VERY TOXIC FOR HER, SHE HAS TO TALK TO YOU AND BE A BETTER SISTER AND DAUGHTER SHE NEEDS TO BLAH BLAH YOU NEED TO KICK HER OUT IF SHE IS LIVING OFF YOU  “ WHAT THE FUCK?? im living off my mother?? the woman that forced me to give her more than half of my paycheck, thats doesnt give me privacy or respect and that literally threatned me if i ever tried to leave that she would chase me down???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OR SEND ME TO A MENTAL HOSPITAL????!!!! ... My older brother is doing the same, keeps trying to get me to go visit his kid, and to meet his kid, keeps trying to get my mother to see pictures of the kid or to call them. They keep trying to guilty me “ oh you cant take it out on the kid, its not the kids fault , he needs to know his aunt, you are his family “ BITCH FAMILY?????? FAMILY??? family doesnt mean shit. Yesterday even sent photos of his kid trought a new number LOL. I actually did went to the kids birthday, first time a few months ago, and guess what , my brother still the NO ONE ASKED- OPINIONATED asshole he was about my whole life, he literally takes one glimpse of me and judges my whole life and starts yelling shit at me ...ofc thats not gonna happend again. People dont change. People. dont. change. PEOPLE DONT CHANGE ! BITCH ?? WHAT? WHO THE FCK?? HOW THE FUCK??? In conclusion my brother is still the same piece of shit he was , and now even more narcisistic, and manipulative, he cant get what he wants from me , so now hes resourting to my mother again. I NEED TO LEAVE THIS HOUSE, I NEED TO LEAVE THIS FAMILY OMFG. Funny enough he does this shit then tries to get me to go to his house to celebrate his birthday because he “ MISSES ME AND THE OLD DAYS” ???? OLD DAYS OF YOU MENTALY ABUSING ME ? NOT TO MENTION THAT YOU ALMOST BROKE MY ARM BECAUSE I WOULDNT LEND YOU MY COMPUTER 3 YEARS AGO????? my mom literally told him we were gonna go there without even asking me if i wanted or even if i was gonna go. LOL, shes trying to emotionally manipulate me with older pictures of me and him , and games we would play together LOL. OMFG PLEASE SOME ONE, I DONT EVEN KNOW I NEED TO DIE OMFG... I CANT TAKE THIS FAMILY ANYMORE.

[itisannak]

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas? (Calum Hood Smut)

Summary: Michael’s sister, (Y/N), joins the boys for Luke’s birthday celebration in Las Vegas. What happens when Calum sees his best friend’s little sister from a whole different perspective? (Smut / Unprotected Sex / Oral; Female Receiving) (Words: 2.8k) (Part 2: What happens in Vegas doesn’t stay in Vegas )

(Calum's POV) I never thought that the tomboy, whiny, teenage girl that I met years back as Michael's little sister, would grow up to be this hot as hell woman. Everyone's eyes are on her, from the minute we stepped into the club. After her high school graduation, she decided to join Michael in L.A. for the summer and her being so close to all of us for the past 2 months, made Luke invite her to his birthday celebration in Las Vegas.

And here we are now, her looking so damn good in her tiny black dress and leather choker. Some girls just look so damn great in choker, that you instantly imagine your hands around their throats. I eye her from my spot as she dances off with a stranger. I feel kind of jealous of him, I mean I want to dance with her too, but she is Michael's sister and I know how protective he can be with her. "Do we know him?" Michael asks me as he approaches me. "Who?" I ask, pretending that I don't know what he is talking about. "That guy that dances with (Y/N)..." He says and motions to them. "I don't think so... " I reply and shake my head. "Well, I don't like him and the way his hands are all over my sister." He says and clenches his jaw. "Michael, relax. She is an adult." Crystal says and giggles. "No. I don't like him and I don't want him near my sister. I am going to go and bring her over." He says but I grab his wrist. "If you go and stop her from having fun, she is going to throw a tantrum and she is going to be absolutely right. I'll go and dance with her so others won't approach her, ok?" I offer and he nods. "Thanks, I owe you. " He says and I walk to the bar to get myself and (Y/N) a beer.

"Hey, mate. Mind if I?" I tap the guy's shoulder as I walk next to them. He turns his head to look at me and nods, parting from (Y/N). I smile at him before he walks away to go to the next girl. I hand (Y/N) a beer and cling mine to hers. "Thanks. They wouldn't sell me one. " She says before she takes a gulp. "I know. You are a kid." I say with a serious look. She punches my arm and giggles. "I am not. You are just 3 years older than me. Calm your bits. " She says and sticks her tongue out. "Still a kid. " I say and smile at her. "Come dance with me, grandpa. " She says and pulls me closer.

"Are you happy to see me?" She asks me out of the blue. "Yeah, sure. I mean I haven't seen you in years, I am really proud to see you as the woman you have evolved to. " I reply and she giggles. "I don't mean that, grandpa. I am talking about your little friend." She replies, grinding her hips harder on mine. "Shit..." I curse, embarrassed by it. She giggles and places a hand on my chest. "You know, you were always my favorite. Ever since I met you. But I knew that you would never notice me..." She says, swinging her hips. "What are you talking about? I had noticed you since day one." I reply and chuckle. "I don't mean it like that. I mean, notice e as a girl. You were always after the pretty girls. And back then I wasn't even a girl, in your books. "She says and stares at me. Before I could even respond to that, Luke approaches us, placing a hand on our shoulders once he is next to us. "Hey guys, Do you wanna go back to the hotel and head for a swim in the pool on the roof garden? Tally said he will arrange it if we want to. " He says, raising his voice a bit over the music. "I am in. I love to go night-swimming, even in a pool. " (Y/N) replies excitedly. "Me too. I could use some chilling right now." I reply and Luke smiles at us. "Great. We will leave in 30'. " He says and goes to the others.

We don't talk much after (Y/N)'s little confession. Maybe because I have nothing to tell her to excuse myself for back then. But to be honest, I was never rude to her or ignored her when she used to hang out with us on practice. I just... I never saw her the way I see her now. Who knew that the little Clifford would become a beautiful, curvy in all the right places, and smart-mouthed woman?

I sigh as I walk to her room, to pick her up and take her to the pool. Everyone else is waiting for us and me, being the last one to leave my room, had to pick her up. To be truthful, I don't know how I am going to react when I see her in her bikini; I had already pictured her in her tiny bikini, teasing me while in the water, and later taking her rough on my bed, and all of that while I was in the shower, trying to get rid of the boner she gave me while grinding on me at the club. I knock on her door, taking deep breaths. I know she is Michael's sister, and even though he never told us not to hit on her, she is out of limit. "Coming..." She shouts. I hear a few things shifting and her feet shuffling on the floor. "Oh, it's you." She says once she opens the door and faces me. I see her smile as she leans on the door. "Not happy to see me?" I ask her, fighting myself not to scan her body. "The complete opposite I would say.." She says and smirks. "Want to come in? I am not ready yet..." She says and moves from the door. I nod and walk in, trying to keep my cool. For some reason, she makes me feel like I am 15 again, at my crush's home for a study date. "Do you want a drink? There are several in the mini-bar, you can have whatever you want." She says, motioning me to sit. "I think I am fine. The guys are waiting for us, you know..." I say and she turns around and smiles at me. "I know. I just needed a shower before slipping into my bikini. " She replies and digs in her suitcase. "I can tell... From the towel and all." I comment and watch the droplets of water run down her body as she is bent and looking for her swimwear. Her pale white skin looks great, illuminating under the light where the light meets the drops of water, the short towel revealing her beautiful legs.

"I am thinking of putting this one on. What do you say?" She turns to me, throwing her bikini on the spot next to me. I pick it up, examining the thin, black material of the swimsuit. "I think it's good enough..." I reply and lay back on the bed. "Good enough is not good enough for me." She replies and bends again to dig for another. The towel barely covers her ass now that she is bent. Lord, she looks so fucking good. "What about that?" She says and throws another one at me. This one lands on my face, making me lick my lips. "I don't know, love. I can't tell if I don't see them worn." I reply and she hums. "I guess you are right..." She replies and reaches for the bikini. I feel her body press lightly on mine, warm and smooth. It only lasts for a second, but I know that I wish it did more. She turns her back to me and drops the towel on the floor, revealing her naked back and butt to me. I stare at her, taking in her skin, her shoulder blades, her waist... And of course, the tiny tattoo, under her left shoulder, right on the dip of it. She slips in her bottoms first, the beautiful baby blue Brazilian bikini framing her ass perfectly. "Mind helping me with the strings a bit?" She asks, looking at me over her shoulder. "Sure. " I say and get up from her bed. I reach for the strings, wrapping them tightly around her torso. "You tie it on the front." She says and I hum. She turns around, helping me tie it. I scan her body, taking in every inch of it, from her collarbones to her pretty chest, to her rib cage and her core, down to her hips and the never-ending legs. My fingers linger on her skin a little longer, feeling the warmth and the smoothness. My hand slides down her sides, resting on her hips. I feel her breath on my chest, her small hands resting on my pecs. "If we continue this, it might not end well." I comment, almost whispering. Her eyes shut and her breathing becomes hotter and hotter. "It will end perfectly." She says and comes even closer. "What about Michael?" I ask as she nuzzles her head into my neck, her lips grazing my skin. "He doesn't have to find out about this. "She replies and I moan as she sucks on my neck. "What are you doing to me, little one?" I moan and she chuckles. "Nothing... At least not yet." She whispers and her hand goes to my cock, cupping it over my swim trunk.

I cup her chin and bring her face to mine. "I am going to wreck you..." I growl before I crash her lips with mine. I bite her and she smiles, her warm lips dancing with mine. I slip my tongue into her mouth, pushing her back onto the wall. Her head hits the wall, but she doesn't stop. I try to pull away to check on her, but she bites my lip and brings her free hand behind my head. She continues to rub me, making all my blood flow down there. "I know you want me. " She moans and groans. "You have no idea how much..." I reply. "I do... Do you know how many years I've been thinking of this moment before I went to bed? How many nights I've touched myself at the thought of this? How many nights I've moaned your name under my breath? " She moans, cupping my balls. "Fuck..." I reply and stroke her hair. "That's how much I want you..." She says and smiles. My fingers fiddle with her top until I just drag the small triangles that cover her boobs, to the side, pleased that I got to reveal her bosom. I kneel down, taking a nipple into my mouth, sucking on it greedily. She moans loudly, arching her back and bringing her boobs closer to my lip. I flick my tongue on her bud, roughening it up, and bring my fingers to her cunt, trashing it above her bikini bottom. "Shit...Shit... FUCK" She screams and I smile against her skin.

I really want to spend some more time on her buds, but her pussy is already dripping. I drag her bottoms down her smooth legs and she kicks them off. I lower my head to her cunt, cupping her clit with my tongue. I suck on it lightly, feeling it throb in my mouth. With the tip of my tongue, I reach her entrance. I tease her and feel her wetness pool in there. She tastes so good, making me even greedier to taste her sweet pussy. I lick her from back to front. I stop on her clit, pressing my tongue on it. She moans lightly and from that moment, I don't care if Michael catches us, I just want to hear her moan all night long. Without stopping the pressure on her clit with my tongue, I circle it with the tip of my tongue, with a slow rhythm in the beginning. "I fucking love that... Faster..." She moans, pulling on my hair. I smirk on her cunt, and slow down, just to tease her. "I fucking hate you..." She groans and throws her head back. I moan against her, making her tremble a little bit. With my fingers, I trace her bikini lines, knowing that this is one of the most sensitive parts of the female body. My top lip touches her crotch, adding to the whole feeling. "I don't want to cum just from that... Just fuck me already." She moans and pulls my hair.

I stand up in front of her and press my chest to hers, feeling her hard nipples on my skin as I press her back on the wall. I wrap my arms around her thighs, picking her up so that we are at the same height. "I fucking need you." I growl, biting on her neck. "Just fuck me up already." She moans and claws on my neck, her face turning red. I lower my trunks and reveal my hard rock cock. My veins are throbbing, my tip is leaking and turning into a purple-ish color. "Fuck, it's bigger than I thought..." She moans. "Didn't you feel it press on your ass back in the club?" I ask her before I line up in front of her entrance and run my tip along with it. "It hardly did you fair..." She moans and sticks her tongue out. I suck her tongue into my mouth, as my hips ground on hers. I feel that my dick is stretching her out, her tight walls opening as I dip inside her. She is wet, making me slide inside her with ease, but her walls have a tight grip on my hard dick. I give her time to adjust, toying with lips a bit, pulling them and biting them. Her moans are low but her nails on the back of my neck drill deeper in my skin. I pound in her, enjoying every inch of her little hole. She whimpers a bit, biting my lip as she does. I smirk and thrust in her again, this time with more force. I take a look at her face; her eyes shut and her lips wet and parted, her cheeks red and eyebrows knitted together. "You are mine for tonight. "I growl and put my hand around her neck. I clutch on it lightly, checking her reaction. Her face contorts into a mixture of surprise and pleasure. "Tighter..." She moans and I grip on her throat tighter as I thrust inside her. Her walls are clenching around my dick, making me groan while I thrust balls deep inside her. My abs are tightening as she takes me all inside her. "It feels so good, fucking me with your big cock and stretching me out..." She moans and bucks her hips on mine. Her legs are tightly wrapped around my waist, keeping her body against the wall. "I know babygirl... Your pussy is soaked for me. And just me." I say and smirk at her. I hit her back wall, making her quiver a little bit. I hit on her g-spot and make her scream and arch her back. I feel my veins throb as she squeezes her walls. "I need to cum..." She whines and I chuckle. "I know. I can feel it..." I reply and pump inside her harder. She drags her nails down my back, leaving marks on my skin. "No, don't. We have to go to the pool after." I growl. "No one will see them..." She replies and smirks.

I couldn't help it anymore. I just came inside her, spilling my seed on her walls. From the rush of the moment, she cums, screaming my name and swear words. "Shit... I am sorry." I say as I realize what just happened. "It's ok, don't worry. I am on the pill. And I'll take a shower to clean this mess. Don't worry." She says and smiles. I leave a peck on her lips and nod. "It was amazing." I say, my chest is still heavy from my orgasm. "It was more than amazing." She replies and smiles. "Go take a shower and I'll wait for you in here, ok?" I say as I put her on her feet. She removes her bikini top and throws it on the floor before she walks into the bathroom.

Now, let's just hope Michael never finds out about this night. What he doesn't know can't hurt him.

My Masterlist /  What happens in Vegas doesn’t stay in Vegas

[whatzappening]

The Zappadydoodah

Hello! I’m Jenny – I am 38, married to a beautiful (in all the ways) lady for five years. We have a son who is nearly two and another baby on the way. I’m writing this down because I’m in a transformative time of life, with deliberate hope for change occurring around some treatment for my Stuff. I’m feeling super overwhelmed, massively restless and thought it might be a) handy to channel it all into a writing area, and b) useful for anyone else in a similar sitch.

The Stuff

So here’s my stuff. Fibromyalgia since 2005, Chronic Fatigue diagnosed since 2011, Depression and Anxiety diagnosed since 2012 but probably always. Definitely always.

Here is a list of some of the things I have done to try to manage/fix/deal with my stuff:

SSRI’s

Meditation

Herbal supplements

Naturopathy

CBT

Psychotherapy

Protein shakes

Exercise Therapy

Counseling

Hydrotherapy

Acupuncture

Pilates

Yoga

All of the Elimination Diets

Gym

Walking

Alexander Technique

Kinesiology

Psychics

Hypnosis

A thousand doctors

Graded Exercise Therapy

Narrative Therapy

Rheumatologist

Physiotherapy

Massage

Reiki

All the other stuff I can’t remember

Short of fish slapping that’s all I can remember right now (I did not try fish slapping). I want to be clear that a lot of these things have been extremely helpful in managing my life and keeping me as upright and mobile as possible. The ones who promised me that they could fix me, did the opposite and caused catastrophic setbacks, in every single case. I don’t feel like me listing which ones are which is helpful because every human reacts differently to different options depending on who they are and what their experiences have been.

I will say, however, that my current team members around my health are counselor, physiotherapist, massage therapist, acupuncturist/TCM practitioner.

So that is my stuff. Read on if you fancy!

What’s happening now, and how and why?

So a couple of months ago we were taking our kid for an outing on a Sunday morning. We thought we’d head to a local market about half an hour’s drive and visit our friends who were selling food there to raise money for the local wildlife shelter. Cute! Fun Sunday outing! He fell asleep five minutes from our destination so we kept going, because sleep is golden and we had no place we had to be, and ended up driving past my sister’s place.

We hadn’t seen them for a little while (she lives there with her daughters who are 19 and 20, both at uni this year so sometimes not there) and pulled up in the driveway, waking them up because they don’t live with a toddler and get to sleep in. I have no bitterness about this, it’s just something worth mentioning.

Her youngest daughter, my niece has had severe fibromyalgia for several years now. The list of things she’s tried are varied and include things like hospital stays, ketamine infusions, morphine – and they didn’t help. Morphine didn’t touch the sides of her pain. I won’t go into too much detail but her quality of life was non existent and she was cut down at her best and brightest. It’s horrific and unfair and all the other things. I have not seen colour in that kid’s face other than green for a number of years.

When we rocked up, she was pink cheeked and was about to go out for brunch with a friend.

Let me pause there – every part of that sentence was not possible for years. So after mouthing OMG at my sister when my niece wasn’t looking, we sat down at my sister’s dining table after her she went out with her friend and my sister took my hand. She teared up and said will you please, please think about trying this thing. It works. Look at her.

And then my heart skipped a beat. It had literally not occurred to me that anything could work. That was certainly not my lived experience. I knew they were trying a thing, and I was ready to support them as much as I could (and knowing that sometimes I need to keep a stronger boundary, to protect my sense of self and eschew self pity) when it inevitably didn’t work and their desperation in scrambling for something, some relief, would continue.

“things don’t work for people like me”

That was the sentence that was ringing in my head, loud and clear as a bell. I had believed one too many times when someone had promised me they could make it all better, and then as time went on the prices would increase and the narrowing field of ways I could be pressed in on me and the possibilities vanished when things that weren’t actually physically possible for me to do (and no, I couldn’t push through or engage in mind over matter, get fucked if you think that’s a thing that can happen in this situation, frankly) and I was a bad, naughty client who wasn’t complying so their promise no longer applied. By then they had all of the money and my sense of self was at rock bottom. Snake oil merchants for the win.

Four or so years ago I had a massive breakthrough with a fabulous narrative therapist I was working on my health management with. One day she asked me how it would be if I could just accept my limitations and not place pressure on myself to be capable of anything more than I could do. That I have a serious illness that impacts every single area of my life, and the more I ignore it the louder it gets. How would it feel to accept that?

Because I was ready to hear it, and because I trusted her, and because I knew everything I knew by that stage, I took it in and really imagined how it would feel. And my shoulders dropped about fifty metres and I felt relaxed and calm.

That year I had my first winter since my diagnosis where I didn’t have a severe depressive episode. I rested more, I kept myself warm, I didn’t push myself to not be such a big whiny baby. I cared for myself. I didn’t pretend I wasn’t unwell. I acknowledged it and acted accordingly. Bloody hell – it was absolutely life altering. I will always be grateful to that therapist for that revelation. Then she went and decided to help the refugees on Manus Island with their myriad of psychological issues resulting from trauma and abuse, which I understood but felt a bit miffed about in a selfish way.

So that huge shift had informed the way I went about caring for myself. What a relief to not feel the pressure of turning every stone over just in case. Wearing myself out going to All The Appointments. Never stopping because if I did that meant giving up.

Stopping is brilliant and should be compulsory for all people in all situations.

So now I have my team around me. Every member is crucial and I’m pretty happy most of the time. I’m a great parent and wife and friend and relative, I think.

The thought of messing with that? Oof. SO risky. Terrifying. But my sister held my hand and asked me to think about it. So I did.

I don’t mean to vaguebook atcha. The thing is called TMS and is usually provided to people who have severe depression. The kind where no medication works and everything is hopeless. It’s non invasive, and uses magnetic thingamebobs to retrain the pathways in your brain that have died off due to illness. So for people with fibro, the pathways of normal sensation are often replaced with pain pathways. Recently when I was extremely distressed about a work situation and I could not deal with what was happening, my brain told me that whenever I took a step I was at risk of my ankle shattering. My ankle was not at risk of shattering, but the pain felt extremely real and terrifying. And so on and so forth. So the TMS thingo (and to be honest it’s a little bit tinfoil hat to avoid the government reading your thoughts) is a metal cap that goes over your hair on the place where the specific neural pathways are, then magnetic waves are sent through the thing which stimulate your brains. It’s habit forming, so doing it once a week isn’t going to do squat. But 3-5 zaps a week (each zap is 30-60 mins) will be highly likely to have an impact. 5 will work faster, 3 will still work the same amount but will take a little longer.

They recommend about 30 sessions and then you can taper off and see how you respond. Here’s the kick. I live 90 mins from Melbourne CBD and it’s the closest place I can go for treatment. A three hour round trip a day isn’t possible for me (both in terms of fatigue and available free time).

My work is quite seasonal so I had planned to close off my books from May for a few months, and we were all going to go as a family to rent a house for a few months and just smash it. But then we both realised my wife’s pregnancy wasn’t getting easier and sooner would be better than later. So the compromise is as follows:

Kicking off this month with a week together as a family for calibration and a couple of treatments, and then I’ll head to Melbourne Tuesday morning til Thursday middle of the day allowing me three zaps (Tues – Wed – Thurs) and on the way home I get acupuncture so I can decompress a bit before arriving for family time at home and don’t just dump all my emotions all over them. I’ll have had time to process and chat a bit. Fridays the kidlet is in daycare, Saturdays and Sundays as per usual, Monday with the wee fella. Tuesdays drop him off at daycare late on my way in to town. We’re getting some help with kid wrangling on Wednesdays from daycare pickup to bedtime so my beautiful pregnant wife won’t have to be too exhausted after working all day. There’s a lot going on. Did I mention we’re married but not legally so we’re going to do that in a few weeks as well? It’s a big time.

I turned it all over and over and over in my head, spoke with some key people and most helpfully talked with my love. You don’t owe us anything, she said, and meant it. You try it, you don’t try it, we love you. Your body and health changes, or doesn’t, we love you. If you try it and it doesn’t work and it creates massive turmoil for you then we cross that bridge. You’ve dealt with worse.

So forward we go. 

[italicwatches]

The Good Place, season 2 - Episode 03

Okay, let’s get this bad boy rolling. It’s The Good Place, season 2, episode 03! Here we GO!

-PREVIOUSLY ON The Good Place, Michael hooked on with the humans!

-And PRESENTLY ON The Good Place, “Oh, let’s not get caught up on ‘who lied to whom’ or ‘which one of us created an entire fake reality in order to cause eternal misery for the others.’ That’s ancient history.” I’m just going to let that sentence sit there and stew.

-Also Jay wants them to be The Bobcats. But Eleanor knows that there’s more going on here. Michael’s desperate. So explain. What’s changed? …It’s just like she said. The four of them keep winning. This place was supposed to psychologically torture the lot of you for thousands of years, to create a semi-self-sustaining loop of making you all make it even worse for eachother. But you keep figuring it out and teaming up!

-And now, there’s been a new development. He’s being blackmailed by Vicky. And she’s going to start over in 30 minutes. …So here’s the plan. He’s not going to reboot things. You’ve got to play the players.

-Chapter 17!

-So the humans quickly convene in the bedroom, and okay, plan? Jay thinks they should team up with Michael. Hot take, but sell it. He’s got a bow tie. You can always trust a dude in a bow tie! It’s how he got $600 for getting some weird turtles to Daytona beach! …Oh my god I swear he’s losing IQ on every reboot.

-Right ignore him. Michael’s a liar. Eleanor knows liars. She was a liar. So, look, they can’t trust him. They need information, which they will take with many grains of salt, and they need to work fast. Go? Go.

-So first out there, how the hell can they trust Michael? He’s got no reason. But, all cards on the table, here’s how things go if you don’t. Vicky comes and watches the reboot. You all go back to the zero point. Vicky’s version of things probably won’t be enough to keep you four from figuring it out. When she fails, she hides her iteration and takes the rest to his boss, who shuts the whole thing down, and you four end up in the regular Bad Place in a volcano full of scorpions. So…Less than ideal.

-Second question! Jay wants to know if the Jacksonville Jaguars won the Super Bowl. …No. Okay but about the Jaguars—

-Eleanor calls for Janet, and give this idiot something shiny to play with. So Jay’s soon got a sparkler, which leaves Tahani wanting to know just how long they’ve been doing this song and dance. Eight hundred and two, longest one was just shy of a year, this one was about a month. Shortest one was…Eight seconds. Michael just straight up sat down on the reboot button when he got in his chair, you four didn’t even wake up between that one and the next.

-Janet would like to know if she was also rebooted. Because each Janet reboot is specifically designed to increase their processing power and social aptitude, so as to limit the likelihood of needing another one. She could be the greatest Janet in all existence! LOOK! She can pat her head AND rub her tummy! holy shit

-Wait, Janet’s not one of yours? Nope, she’s a stolen Good Place Janet. Noted. Okay, so why do you look like a human if you’re a demon? Part of working for the Bureau of Human Affairs. And Mindy’s is fake, right? No, no, the Medium Place is legit. And outside of his authority or capacity to affect, much to his frustration.

-So Michael’s getting a bit panicky and look, they’re running out of time and he’s the only option you have. Their only option? “A lot of guys your age said that to me just as the bar was about to close. But I never settled for them! Because my ex-boyfriend lived nearby, he was obsessed with me, and he never slept because he was addicted to Adderall. There is ALWAYS another option!”

-…jesus fuck, Eleanor

-So after…That, Eleanor’s tapping out, she’s not in on the game. So Michael has to play one last card. You help him make this work…And he can get you all to the real Good Place.

-…EXPLAIN.

-It’s gonna take time, it’s gonna be complicated, and he will have to work out the details and work them out in secret. But look. There are ways to go from down here to up there. So the five of them can get out of this—

-Five?

-Yes, five. He’s doomed down here! He’ll sell saving you four from eternal damnation as proof that even a demon can be rehabilitated. …Look, they’re all up shit creek without a paddle right now, this might not even work, but this way you lot at least get to go in both eyes open.

-…NEW MEETING.

-Eleanor grabs Chidi and Tahani and pointedly leaves Jay out of it, and her read? This is a fresh style of torture. He’s putting them in blesser-evil, devil-you-know mess just to fuck with them, to make them squirm for a while. Teaming up with an actual factual literal demon is insane.

-Chidi fully agrees.

-But he sees no other choice on the board. …He spent his whole life trying to come to a solid grasp of ethics, to have a truly firm place of understanding of right and wrong, to try and know whether or not he was doing the right thing. And that landed him here. So right now, he’s open to damn near anything if it lets him have the time and space to try and actually improve as a person.

-Okay so that’s one vote in. Tahani? Tahani continues to believe she doesn’t even belong here. Michael! She deserves to be in the real Good Place. Take her there or let her speak to your manager. …Right, Michael doesn’t have time for this. You’ve done the dramatic realization plenty of times and he’s bored of it so here’s the short version.

-You’re here because you never cared about anyone you helped. It was for fame, for status, or to spite your own family.

-Bullshit!

-…You know, Tahani, you never actually saw how you died, in all the loops. But you know what, let’s play it. It’s very…Telling.

-FLASHBACK

-So Tahani was at an interview for International Sophisticate Magazine. And they immediately wanted to talk about her sister Kamilah, who turned down a chance to be on the cover herself…And, well, suffice to say, they wanted to use Tahani to essentially interview Kamilah by proxy, about her induction into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame defying all of their usual structures.

-Which led to Tahani going to that induction in a staffer’s uniform to get in. Finding her sister. And confronting her, which went from argument, to her bringing down the massive statue Kamilah had commissioned…A massive golden statue, that crushed her underfoot.

-Back in the Now. You get it, Tahani? …And it takes her a few more runs through the concept to get it, and then she just breaks down. Okay, I feel a little bad now that she actually can see herself for who she is. A little bit.

-So she’s game to team up if it means she can actually become a better person. So Eleanor finds herself the one woman out…And Eleanor, of course, is one-week-in Eleanor.

-So, uh, she’s really not taking this whole “everyone wants to become better people” thing well.

-Also, “I have no idea what’s going on, but everyone is talking and I should too!” Keep on keepin’ on, Jay. Keep on.

-And Michael just breaks down into laughter because he’s realizing how absurd it is that he’s reliant on these…glorified insects to save him. Like an exterminator needing to be saved by cockroaches. Oh, now Eleanor is PISSED.

-Chidi’s got to step in and force Eleanor to look at him, to focus, and to breathe. …Okay. Okay. Give her five minutes to think.

-She steps into her absurd clown room, and immediately calls Janet. Janet, get her a train full of cocaine, right now. She’s going back to Mindy’s place.

-And Eleanor begins the desperate escape aaaand Chidi is there at the door. So gonna talk to him about the plan now that you’re bailing, Eleanor? …She’s not bailing.

“You have a bag full of clothes, you stuffed pillows and a mop in your bed to make it look like you’re asleep, and you’re literally sneaking out the back gate.”

-Okay. Okay, she’s going to Mindy. Because an eternity with her still sounds better than a literal deal with the devil. She insists she doesn’t owe any of them anything…And Chidi, at this point, realizes the best thing he can do is just walk away.

-Because the one person Eleanor can’t come up with a defense against…Is herself. And so that’s how Eleanor ends up sitting down with Michael, and, real talk. Out of all the reboots…How many times did Chidi refuse to help her out?

-None. Every single time that you managed to find him, you’d confess your situation, and Chidi would always get in there. And every time you lot last long enough, he always succeeds. She’s…She’s not that bad of a person, on the scale of Bad Place people at least…right?

-Janet arrives with the cocaine and escape train.

-…Eleanor would like to rescind the previous question.

-So she goes to the others, and real talk, she still doesn’t trust Michael at all. But…He’s asking for their help. And if there’s one thing that Chidi has apparently taught her in every last one of these loops, it’s that when someone asks for your help, you give it. It’s what Chidi would do for any of them.

-It’s…What he IS doing, Eleanor. He’s right here. In the room.

-But okay, Eleanor is in. On one condition. Michael, you’re taking the ethics classes too. You want to get into the real Good Place when this is over? Time to learn how to be worth them letting your ass in. And, just so they’re clear? You try and play them, and it all goes to Vicky. And you join in on being fried with the rest of them.

-So, you in as part of Team Cockroach, exterminator man? Just like you said…You’re running out of time? And they’re your only option.

-On the fresh loop, Eleanor’s in the fro-yo initial style. Except of course, this time, Vicky is introduced as the official Best Person, and so sort of the mayor of the town.

-And Vicky steps up…And immediately starts to sing!

-Hard cut to Eleanor’s place. They’ve got a few hours to work while Vicky plans for the welcome party. So her plan’s basically what Michael did with this one. Eleanor’s gonna get drunk, hog all the shrimp, insult some people, and they’ll use that to build the chaos sequence for tomorrow. You’ll all need to play along.

-So Michael’s, as far as Vicky’s concerned, going to be handling surveillance on you four. Which is how they’re gonna all get away with this. Jay asks if Janet is going to keep their secrets, and on the one hand, she can’t lie…But on the other, her job is to keep humans happy. You four are the only humans here. So she’s on board! And so it’s time for a cowardly traitor, four idiots, and a robot (Janet protests) to outsmart some of the Bad Place’s best and brightest. Go team!

-Credits!

Janet gets better every time. And this is gonna be interesting. Looks like Vicky’s using a lot of the season one version of the neighborhood, but of course going in with everyone knowing the score is going to make things a lot different…We’ll just have to see how that goes next time, in episode FOUR of The Good Place, season two! Wait for it!

[balancedpluto]

All arcana asks ;)

I hate u so much Hayden. Putting it under a read more cuz HECK this is a lot. Also u can clearly tell Rose is my most fleshed out apprentice lmao. U can also tell when I started to burn out lol. THIS TOOK ME ALL DAY HECK

1. Name? Surname?Rose LaFontaineAaron (???)Lyra (???)

2. Any Family?Rose: she has a sister who’s 10 years older than her named Yvette, she’s a pirate. And her mother still lives in Fantasy France.Aaron: SO MANYLyra:….she doesn’t like to talk about it

3.Any Familiar?Rose: A bull mastiff named Mika who can change in size (so she can fit in a pocket or be the size of a horse, at her will)Aaron: A bearded dragon named Sir Slappy Skiddaddly the Third Lyra: A cute little rat named Pixie

4.Asra, Nadia, or Julian?Rose: JulianAaron: AsraLyra: Nadia

5. Best strength in magic?Rose: IllusionsAaron: Fire magic. Anyone who follows Eereree saw this coming.Lyra: the creation and manipulation of light

6. Favorite color?Rose: Maroon or light pink Aaron: Red. Surprise surprise Lyra: Purple

7. Favorite number?Rose: 69Aaron: 420Lyra: HOW DID YOU TWO ANSWER THAT SO FAST??? Uhh, 7?

8. Sexuality?Rose: BiAaron: PanLyra: Lesbian

9. Weird hobby?Rose: not really weird so much as unexpected for her, but she likes to sew and knit.Aaron: Weed lmaoLyra: Buying books but never actually getting around to reading them.

10. Favorite season?Rose: SpringAaron: FallLyra: Spring as well

11. Favorite weather?Rose: Sunny, but not hot.Aaron: Thunderstorms Lyra: Drizzly

12. Favorite place in Vesuvia?Rose: The Raven, or Mazelinka’s place. She loves that lady like she was her own grandmother.Aaron: The market. That pumpkin bread thoLyra: The palace library

13. How does their laughter sound like?Rose: Sober, its a soft almost teasing giggle. Drunk, loud cackling. Both are very charming in their own way.Aaron: LOUDLyra: giggling and soft snorting

14. How do they look like when they cry?Rose: She doesn’t cry often so when she does its…a lot. Loud gross sobbing often accompanied by yelling. Its not pretty.Aaron: Ghibli tears. You can’t convince me otherwise.Lyra: A lot of sniffling

15. What do they like to wear?Rose: Long dresses/skirts with low cut tops. Her brests are her best asset and she’s gonna show em whether you like it or not.Aaron: Tits out. That’s all u need to know.Lyra: Long, modest cut dresses with a corset. Very simple, but she always looke nice.

16. What are their fears?Rose: Fears? Don’t know her. (Actually death, which is…ironic considering the circumstances)Aaron: Abandonment. And cockroaches.Lyra: Rejection. The dark.

17. What do they like to do Friday night?Rose: put on fancy lingerie, get wasted, and play card games.Aaron: Blaze it lmaoLyra: (cuddling with Nadia) Reading

18. Do they use makeup?Yes. All 3 of them.

19. Favorite food?Rose: Mama LaFontaine’s crepesAaron: Spicy Vegetarian ChiliLyra: Cookies (technically not FOOD, but sweets are her big weakness)

20. Favorite drink?Rose: Rosé wine. Sounds redundant considering her name, but thats why she likes it. Growing up she thought it was named after her.Aaron: Just water, surprisingly.Lyra: Green tea

21. Zodiac sign?Rose: CancerAaron: Cancer Lyra: Aquarius(I dont care i have two apprentices that are the same sign leave me alone)

22. Day of birth?Honestly haven’t even thought if that lmao

23. Favorite movie?Rose: Heathers. She loves a bad bitch movie.Aaron: Shrek. Lyra: Not really a movie person tbh. She likes Disney stuff tho.

24. Favorite music genre?Rose: Classic rock or indie. Also has an interest in things involving old or obscure instruments.Aaron: Pop PunkLyra: Soft indie or video game soundtracks

25. Favorite song?Rose: Over the Hills and Far Away- Patty GurdyAaron: It’s Never Sunny in South Philadelphia-The Wonder YearsLyra: Youth- Daughter

26. Favorite TV show?Rose: Likes to watch cooking shows cuz its usually the only thing good onAaron: Doesn’t really do TVLyra: Also not really into TV, will put on like, QVC or something for background noise tho (im guilty of this)

27. What is their style?Rose: Like i said before. Long skirt, tits OUT.Aaron: Lazy but somehow manages to look hot? How does he do that???Lyra: Simple and modest, but always in pretty colors.

28. Any mental health issues?Rose: She has some anger issues, along with a tendency to bottle everything upAaron: hrrhgghh i haven’t gotten that deep with him WHOOPSLyra: Really bad anxiety

29. Any health issues in general?Not really?

30. Are they human?Yeah….or are they dancer?

31. Favorite book?Rose: She honestly can’t remember the last time she had time to read for fun.Aaron: Wtf is a book lolLyra: Don’t make her choose for the love of god

32. Favorite book genre?The person writing these questions assumes I know books lmao

33. Favorite time of the day?Rose: SunsetAaron: Early afternoonLyra: Like, really early morning. My sweet child why are you awake this early

34. If they weren’t a magician, who would they be?Rose: A pirate like her sister. Unless this is meant as like a modern AU then she’d probably sew and knit cute things and sell them online.Aaron: Probably a video game youtuber tbhLyra: Not much different, only she’d run a little mom and pop knick knack/ book store instead of a magic shop

35. Do they believe in ghosts?Yeah

36. Do they believe in aliens?Kind of?

37. Do they like sports?What is this…sport you speak of?

38. How do they look like?Sexy

Rose: 

Aaron:

Lyra:

(art by @willowwish64 )

39. What is their biggest motivation to solve the Lucio’s killer mystery?Rose: To clear Julian’s name Aaron: To make sure it wasn’t him and he just doesn’t remember. I mean…fire is kinda his thing, so…Lyra: To put Nadia’s mind at ease

40. What do they think of Lucio so far?Rose: “He’s an asshole.”Aaron: “Goatman! Fuck you, goatman!”Lyra: “I can never look at a goat again without feeling terrified”

41. What do they think of Nadia so far?Rose: “She’s the kind of woman I strive to be. I have so much respect for her.”Aaron: “A smart, capable woman. Also really hot like wowie.”Lyra: “She’s so amazing and so beautiful and i don’t know why she likes me so much, I’m so dull compared to her and-” (this can go on for hours)

42. What do they think of Asra so far?Rose: “A great friend and mentor. I’d do anything for him.”Aaron: “He’s like…a human sheep…but really skinny…imagine hugging cotton candy filled with bones…its amazing. Also dat ass.” (He loves him but he’s bad at serious answers)Lyra: “A close friend to whom i owe my life”

43. What do they think of Julian so far?Rose: “Oh, Julian. How do i begin to describe how i feel about him? I’ve never met someone who’s so smart and witty yet so dumb? And he’d do anything for you but doesn’t think he deserves the same, even though he does. And, well, i could go on but the long and the short of it is, I love that idiot.”

Aaron: “He’s like a taller, hotter version of me AND IM SO PISSED”Lyra: “he sure is…something”

44. What do they think of Portia so far?Rose: “My future sister in law???? I love her so much! ”Aaron: “She’s…so small…my god im surrounded by small people”Lyra: “She’s so lovely!! She’s like my best friend!”

45. What do they think of Muriel so far?Rose: “He…doesn’t like to talk much does he? And he’s so…TALL. Makes you wonder about…things.”Aaron: “Him big. ”Lyra: “He…kind of scares me a bit? ”

46. Do they like animals?OF COURSE

47. Are they allergic to anything?Nope

48. Do they have any talents (except magic)?Rose: Again, she’s really good at sewing/knittingAaron: He can lick his elbow. And he shows off his “skill” to everyone. Charming i know.Lyra: She’s really good with animals

49. Do they get drunk easily?Rose: No, she can hold her liquor pretty well. She usually just gets tipsyAaron and Lyra: YES

50 .What is their personality type?*fart noises*

51. What is their worst negative quality?Rose: She tends to dodge any question that’ll make her show any negative emotion. Being with Julian is kind of helping her with that, since he needs her support and she feels okay talking about this stuff with him. Also she tends to be kind of overly sexual. She doesn’t really mean to, it just happens.Aaron: He tends to take serious things as a joke sometimes.Lyra: She likes to just, avoid people. She’d rather just be alone by her own choice than face rejection.

52. What is their best positive quality?Rose: She’s like a mom? You wouldn’t think that on the surface, but she’s actually really warm and motherly.Aaron: So fucking funny.Lyra: She has a heart of gold

53. What is their position to fall asleep?Rose: She likes to fall alseep with Julian resting his head on her chest and petting his hair. Motherly instincts, i guess. Also it’s the only surefire way of making sure he sleeps. If she’s alone, on her stomach or side with her arms under the pillow.Aaron: Starfish. Asra just has to deal with it, i guess.Lyra: Curled up with Nadia. It’s where she feels safest.

54. The most uncomfortable moment they ever experienced?Rose: (spoilers) Finding out she died. Considering death is her greatest fear, it was especially hard for her to swallowAaron: When his brother found out him and Asra were fuckin…and he found out his brother and Nadia were fuckinLyra:…..

55. Their happiest memory?Rose: When she first came to Vesuvia. It was kinda scary, but there’s SO MUCH TO SEE!!Aaron: Getting Slappy. Lyra: Finding out Nadia likes her back. She nearly fainted.

56. Do they blush?Rose: Not really, if she does its hard to tellAaron: SometimesLyra: YES

57. Are they clumsy?Nah

58. Do they like jokes? Of course, they’re people, arent they?

59. How do they flirt?Rose: VERY direct. She’s not afraid to let people know what she wants.Aaron: “Hey cookin’, what’s lookin’?”Lyra: oh god she’s so bad at it help her

60. Favorite fruit?Rose: StrawberryAaron: Orange Lyra: Kiwi

[survivorsupport]

My story

I hurt my whole family when I ran away from home, I was being selfish. I was lying to him and to myself. My mistakes begin in my second marriage. I started using, cheating on my husband. I was being selfish. My mom slapped me. I think about hitting her but I know I can’t so I run out the back door. Just being stubborn, I go through the window when he wasn’t there, and take stuff trying to get his attention, and stand outside asking for help.

                When I start getting high I don’t want to answer to anyone. I took my three kids with me into the dope world, being the wrong role model for my sons. They wanted to grow up and sell drugs. Taking and using drugs was destroying myself. My sons were growing up watching this and I didn’t care. All I cared about was getting high.

                I was living with My ex-husband and he was selling weeds. I started smoking weed and blowing the smoke into my kids’ faces’ so they would go to sleep. I would smoke weed until I was stoned. It was the only thing that would take away the pain of being 14 with two babies. My ex-husband was gone all the time. I would feed my baby, burp him, and put him to sleep. I would do nothing but sit there are get high.

                That’s when My ex-husband started beating me. The violence got worse and worse, harder and harder. He would box me until I was black-eyed and bloody. I threatened to leave and I called my mom. He threatened me. Finally I got pregnant with my daughter. He made me have sex with him.

                We moved to Texas on the condition he would marry me. He did not beat me as bad because he knew I had uncles in Texas who would beat him up if he touched me. He beat me while I was pregnant.

                I started doing cocaine with My ex-husband to make money. He worked at a plant all day. I had 2 kids running around. I snorted up the profit! My uncles came over to kill My ex-husband after he beat me for doing cocaine. I left him for real because I had never been beat like that.

                I moved in with my stepsister. I had 2 kids and a coke habit. We turned the house into a coke house. My grandma said “no one will take you with that half white son”.

                I sold drugs out of the house. Crack came around. They told us how to take the baking soda and rock it up. Once I hit that, I didn’t care about anyone else. They could be calling me, screaming my name and I didn’t care. I didn’t want to be a mother anymore. I would rock it up, sell it, and buy more.

                I would get child support and food stamps. I said “I don’t want my kids in this house anymore”. I took my kids to my grandmother’s house I did not want her to grow up like that. My grandmother said I had to protect the girls in the family.

                My uncle raped me when I was 5 years old, so my grandmother didn’t protect me. I grew up thinking I was wrong. I grew up not giving a fuck. My sister whooped both of us when she caught us. I thought it was my fault. I didn’t understand until I got grown.

                I remember taking the first hit and gave my kids away, And I did clean up and get them back, But I always brought my daughter to my grandma, so she could grow up and be a great woman. My daughter never forgave me. My sons would hang around, I thought it was okay. But I was wrong. They grew up trying to make fast money.

                I used to have affairs with married men. I had a man who would bring me money every payday, I used to go with a lot of married men. This is one way I would take care of myself. I owe those women and apology. I just wanted money to get high with.

                When I got real sprung on iit, I used to trick for dope. My uses got so big I tripped and fel..

                “you really out here on that stuff bad,” said my friend. He helped me.

                I was top-notch. They would come looking for me. It makes my skin crawl. Men I would walk by and ignore, once I got on drugs they could talk to me and sleep with me. I know they were happy crack came out, they got a chance to sleep with women who would never go out with them.

                I used to steal clothes. Fill up my bag and my girdle and sell clothes to stores. We would have a whole trunk full.

                I worked for circle k. I robbed them. Used to have to drop the money, I just faked it. Quit the next day, made off with $800. It was all on the manager.

                When My son was 16 he was playing hooky from school. He shot this guy, They gave someone the gun to hide and ran. The police came to the house. They said he was under arrest for aggravated assault. $25,000 bond. I called my husband and we got him out. I blame myself for that. My stepsister had a little house where everyone partied. And I went back there are saw my son doing coke. I said “what the fuck!?” What did I expect? They saw me doing it. But it was the worst feeling in the world.

                My son goes to jail, gets out, moves in with me. Moves in a pregnant stripper. He hits her, they are both on drugs. They have my first grandchild. I kicked them out and kept the baby. I got an itchy feeling and started smoking weed. I would sit and rock that baby in front of the TV. I started smoking crack. I called the mom and said “Come get your baby!” She moved in, and I got high in the other room.

                I never stay sober long. At least I have to have a drink. Weed calms me down. It’s the heavier drugs that are the problem.

                My son came and they started back fighting. I couldn’t stand it so I said “get out”. They fought all the time. I was taking my boyfriend’s check and getting high. I’d be somewhere in a traphouse getting high. I spent all his money. I would go into a deep sleep. When I woke up I told him to go borrow money. He would do whatever I said. He had a good job and good credit. I would clean up in between checks, just drink. I lived life the 1st to the 15th. Something in my mind said “don’t do this, we could live better”. I would pay bills and buy groceries. But then I have a drink and think “I need something stronger”. I would wind up spending every dime in my pocket.

                That relationship was just a paycheck, and a roof over my head. I was sleeping with that man and I knew I had HIV. I was 30 something and he was 50 something. I was not in love in that relationship. I lived like that for a couple years. I don’t like taking nobody down with me. Something inside of me always wanted more. When I saw my daughter, I thought “I’m more than this. I can do better”.

                I called my ex and asked him to help me move out of the 3 bedroom home. I moved in with my son, but my husband kept coming up all the time. He knew I was trying to quit, but he knew I could make money. I would sell more than I could use. He was connected with a big drug dealer. I was off and running again.

                The sickness kicked in. I would see stuff and hear stuff. I ended up in a mental house more than once. I thought I could see the future. Then I came home and would sell drugs. I tried not to use them.

                When I was 5 my sister whooped me for having sex. She promised not to tell on me. When I was 11 years old my uncle told my brother to have sex with me. My uncle held my arms while he did it. My sister caught us again, and whooped me. They ran away but I didn’t, so I got beat the most.

                Both parents took turns taking care of me. My father tried to finger me. I tried to play sweet but it hurt. My stepmother yelled for him so he stopped. I did not understand why everywhere I went these boys wanted to do these things. So I left home at 13.

                I met my first husband, and my life began away from home. My family said no one would marry me with two kids that were half white. I swore I would never do drugs. They told me I was so intelligent but I never made it because the men in my family couldn’t keep their hands off of me.

                I used to sneak drinks when I was real angry. I have always medicated myself. I never knew that alcohol was a drug. I needed it just to feel normal. Just to go shopping or do whatever.

                My oldest sister was the mom. My parents were partying. Mom used to take reds. My grandma taught my sister how to cook. My parents would be just in the other room.

                I had a lot of pain inside me and I tried to make the pain go away.

                My grandma said she would call CPS if she couldn’t have kids. My roommate said they would take her kids too. My grandma was getting food stamps and benefits. She would not give the kids back. CPS told me I had to go to a program and clean up just to get the kids back. My sister took care of the kids in the meantime. I would get the boys more than my daughter. I did not want her visiting me in the house. I was still afraid because of what happened to me. I had a hate for men.

                Even when I grew up, I hated men. I couldn’t love them. I feel like my daughter was better off because I kept her away from me. Because it happened to me, I knew that’s what could happen. The first ime I was touched I was 5 years old. Everyone in the house was asleep. He came into my room and got on top of me. He put Vaseline on me and put his weenie in me. He started hollering and white stuff came out. My sister came in and started beating us with a belt.

                I got in the shower and washed off all that Vaseline and cried. The next day my sister rubbed Vaseline on my welts. I yelled for my mama. My sister said I can’t have my mama because she is on pills. I grew up thinking I was dirty and nasty because I didn’t holler at him to stop. My sister said that if grandma found out I would be in trouble.     

                My grandma took me from my mama, and I would cry for my mama. I got whooped a lot. That’s how I knew how my daughter felt. But I still know she is better off because of being with grandma. All I ever wanted was my mama, and I was scarred from it, so I know my daughter is scarred.

                My grandma sent us to California. The next time it happened, I started yelling. My sister came in with a broomstick. She hit me with a broomstick. I stayed in there in the closet and cried. My sister said she would tell Grandma. But she never told her. I wanted Grandma to protect me. At 12 I went to stay with my mama and her man. He came into the room and was sucking on my tiddies. The next day I told my grandma. She told me I would break my mamas heart. My mama didn’t believe me. She moved me back to grandma’s house. I never got to go visit. My grandma say “I know you hurt, but some women will choose a man over their kids”. She told me to be independent and not let a man run all over me.

                I have never been the type to let a man run over me. I have a voice now and I will scream now. You can hurt the people you love when you tell on them.

                When my father did it, I just made sure I wasn’t alone with him anymore. He supported my grandmother and my mother. I would have broken up the family if I told them. I would never be alone with my father. He fingered me, and I pretended to be asleep. I curled into a ball so he couldn’t pull my legs apart. He heard someone walking around in the house and left. I got in the bed with other girls, and told them I was having nightmares.

                My sister didn’t know what it was back then. Some of that stuff might have happened to her and I just never knew about it.

                When I was 14 right before I ran away from home we went with my dad and his girlfriend on a trip. They took me to a hotel and we smoked sherm. They took off my clothes and put me in the bed. She started going down on me and sucking on my tiddies. My dad was trying to have sex with me. She ate me until I was dry and hurting. I hadn’t smoked as much as they did, and I remember everything. They think I didn’t remember. I said “take me home!” He said “don’t tell your mama no lies!” and he bought me a plane ticket. He made up a lie about some shit I did and my mama told me to apologize.

                I was tired of living in their house, playing by their rules. There was no love in that family, they just used me for money. I have been on my own since then.

                I was taking my boyfriend’s check. I would say

                “I’m just gonna spend a little bit,” but then I would spend three days high.

                I knew I needed to pay bills, get gas money, go shopping for food. But when I hit that stuff I became a different person. I heard voices. I thought I was a big-time gangster because I would sell it. I would have people all around me and that made me feel important. And now I’m broke and it’s time to go. I’m coming down, I look a wreck. I don’t want my son or his girl to see me. I promise myself every time that I would stop, but I don’t. Then I do it over again. I think about making the money over, I have already relapsed in my mind. When I didn’t use I would be miserable, get drunk, cuss everyone out. Soon as I get to drinking I crave using.

                I started learning the more I get, the more I wanted. The drug opened weird doors for me. I saw the KKK and illuminati talked to me. I asked “can anyone see this but me?” I was scared for my life, and I ended up in a mental institution.

                I was walking around with a butchers knife in my hand, and they called the police. Then I got out. I started using agaun so I could understand the voices. This was scary. I kept thinking “I gotta quit using”.

                I went coocoo for cocoa puffs while in Lancaster. I was high as a kite on Norco and Xanax. I got a chance to go to school but I was on pills. I heard voices from the TV, so they had me committed again.

                I always have hair done, jewelry, makeup. I got Xanax again, and had a nervous breakdown. I thought people in the trees were trying to kill me. I was taking 5 at a time when I only had to take 1. I asked to come off, and the doctor said okay. They started giving me atavan. But they kept the dosages down down down.

                I have been off Xanax 3 years. I take 1 Norco per day. Generic for Vicodin.

                Finally I have stopped seeing things. The Xanax induced me seeing things and people in trees with guns. I know the illuminati WIFI password. When doctors write you a prescription, I was OD-ing myself. And I was getting cough syrup. When they broke in on me wandering around in my apartment nude, the EMS said that I was crazy.

                I would do my voice in such a way that doctor’s could not recognize me, and then I would get meds.

                The only thing that talks to me is the radio, but that’s okay (radios make noise). I was in Star Trek on the enterprise because of legal pills! When I first got them, they were for anxiety. They were also for pain, after hysterectomy. (I do not have the bow the baby comes in, but I do have a vagina).

                I kept breaking my ankle, and falling under the influence.

                Also, I had a tumor in my uterus. I was bleeding a lot and in constant pain. This doctor was well-known for prescribing pain meds. After they found a tumor during ultrasound, they took out the tumor. My mama saw me bleeding on my period, blood running down my leg. I was on pain meds for the bleeding, I was high and didn’t care. My mom encouraged me to get it checked out.

                I was at Tarzana in Lancaster for Xanax and norcos. I started drinking again. I had dropped out of school, left my apartment because I was too afraid to be alone.

                I moved in with my friend and we were drinking and smoking weed. My liver started failing. They gave me the Hep C medication for my liver, which made me sick. I wanted to get clean, for my liver. I found a program in Reseda. At that point my liver was failing me: I would urinate on myself while drinking. Now I am clear in my liver, not taking the Hep C medicine, and I am over 1 year sober.

                I was in a motel in Palmdale 30 days waiting for Section 8 with El Chapo. I was just going crazy. When I packed up my stuff, I had a bottle of patron. Of course I drank it. Someone from Tarzana came to see me. I was sloppy drunk. I said if I don’t get help soon, I’m going to keep drinking. He said “what if I get you into a program, just until your Section 8 comes in?” I said “ok”.

                I was walking El Chapo and my neighbor offered me weed.

                Then my mental kicked in. The dog and the TV was talking to me! I locked Chapo in the bathroom. Then I let him out, and I rocked him until I was in my right mind.

                From Palmdale I did another 30 days in Lancaster. I found a foster care for El Chapo, and went to my sister’s for 1 week. The foster mom wanted him neutered! I paid a girl to take me up there right away!

                All the girls in the house wrote a letter saying they wanted Chapo in the house. We him in the meantime. Then I saw the doctor and met with Truett, who let me have the dog.

                I did not want to do 2 groups a day. They wanted me to switch doctors! I kept saying “I’m just here for my Section 8!” But I thought about how weed made me feel crazy. Other girls told me they were as crazy as me on drugs. They stood up there and talked about stuff that I had done and never told anyone about.

                I want a job, a career. I want people to know you can be raped as a child and stay clean. I have been clear for a year and three months. When I worked the first step, it was real and I believed it. When I worked the second step I had a spiritual awakening.

                When I told the story about my dad, it crushed me. It tore something inside of me. I’m going to heal now, and take it one step at a time.

                My goal is to be executive secretary, to have my own place, a car, and El Chapo.

                Now that I’m sober, me and my daughter are best friends. She gave me my 1 year cake and posted on Instagram. My sister Jackie couldn’t make it, but she was so proud of me! I put them through torture when I was drinking. I can tell them I love them now, have a decent conversation. My mind isn’t jumbled anymore.

                My sons are in Texas, but we talk on the phone. They see me on facebook and tell me I look like I am getting younger. I am in love with Misty today, and I am going to take her all the way!

  Grandchildren

I have six by my oldest son. Two by my baby boy. I have been to Texas to see them, too. I was in Texas three years ago, but I stay in touch by Facebook.

All the cousins know each other. None of them ever met my grandmother. They all know my sister! My son flew down with My son Jr. for Grandma’s funeral and stayed at my sister’s house.

[classic-rock-roller]

1. You’re in Italy on your tour with Crue, and in a hotel restaurant, your band is at one table and Crue is at the adjoining one. Bonham learns that the glasses are crystal and teaches you guys how to ring them. Tommy leans over to see how then teaches the rest of them how to do it. Your band has just stopped for a moment when the manager comes up to Tommy and says, “You’re bothering the other patrons, please stop.” Bonham stifles a laugh. “They got yelled at for what we started.” How do you respond, and what does Crue have to say once the manager leaves?

Me: Yeah, they did. We should be more careful. 

Tommy looks over at Bonham and goes, “You fuckers got us in trouble.” Nikki is giggling and Vince is pissed and Mick just tries to stay out of it. 

2. You’re on a road trip with Bonham and the boys and even though you’re using Bonham’s mini van, it’s a little crowded. Kevin’s driving and you’re in shotgun when Bonham stretches up to the front for a sip of your drink. She brushes Kevin’s elbow while reaching, and he says, “Don’t touch my weenis ever again.” Bonham just looks at him and grabs his elbow. “I do what I want.” How do you and Randy respond?

Me: Please never have Bonham and weenis in the same sentence again. I get horrible inappropriate images. 

Randy: Ew, that’s gross. Don’t get me thinking about that. 

3. You’re at Bonham and Randy’s house outside one day when Kevin asks them, “I need to borrow a shovel, there’s a giant rock in your yard and I’m sick of tripping over it.” Randy says, “Sure, they’re in the shed in the back.” He comes out with one and Bonham says calmly, “Oh don’t use that one, that’s the corpse shovel.” How does Kevin react and how do you respond?

Kevin, He drops the shoved and backs away from it: “Why the fuck do you have a corpse shovel?!”

 Me: “Oh, relax, it’s probably for rabbits and birds and stuff.” 

4. You’re waiting for your bus to show up on the Crue tour. It’s ass-o’clock in the morning, so you’re practically asleep. when you hear Vince say, “Ow! Fuck!” Tommy immediately responds with, “You hold him, I’ll put his arm back.” You look over and see Tommy trying to wrestle Vince still, Nikki reaching for Vince’s arm (that’s flopping about way too low), and Vince trying to wriggle away saying, “No, you’re just gonna fuck it up worse!” How do you respond and what happens next?

“How did Vince dislocate his shoulder? Don’t touch it you’ll make it worse.” The bus arrives shortly after that and our first stop on the War Angel/Mötley Crüe tour is the ER.  

5. Your band and Crue are staying in a hotel for a couple of nights on the tour. You and Bonham are hanging out with Crue and Nikki suggests that you all order a pizza. You and Tommy are fighting over what kind to get when Vince says, “What does it matter? Bonham’s just going to eat the whole thing anyway.” She whips around and says, “Don’t lob factual statements at me as if they’re insults!” How do you and the rest of the Crue respond?

Me: Even if it’s true, Vince, you don’t say that. It’s rude. 

Tommy and Nikki are giggling and Mick rolls his eyes, “Vince What have we talked about. If you don’t have something nice to say don’t say anything at all.” 

6. You and Bonham returned home from your tour with Crue last night, and even though you both were tired as balls, you only slept until about 9:30. You and Kevin head to Randy and Bonham’s, and when you get there Randy tells you she’s still asleep. “She won’t be up for a while, so we can do stuff if you want.” Randy leaves her a note that says to call when she wakes up. You all hang out for a while and lose track of time. When you check your watch, it’s 6:47 PM. You got home late, but not that late. You head back to the house and when you get there Randy says to you, “I need you to go check on her.” “What? Why me? It’s your house.” “Just…please? I can’t explain it, just go in there.” How do you respond and what happens next?

Bonham gets really clingy after sleeping for so long and being sleep deprived so she clings to me and when Randy comes in she says, “I’m still mad at you for leaving me all alone here for when I woke up.” 

7. You’re in the car with Bonham in her home town and you pass by a really large house that’s on the market. There’s an open house the next day. “Let’s go to it! It’ll be fun!” you say. She glances out the window and says, “Oh that’s the mafia house. I wonder why they’re selling it. Sure let’s go.” How do you respond and what happens at the open house?

“Cool, I’ve always loved to go into a mafia house. I wonder if it has any secret rooms.” It turns out to be a normal house and we leave early because we get bored. 

8. You’re getting ready to do a show with Crue, and usually Bonham’s the first one ready to go. Tonight is different, but no one’s concerned. Until it’s 10 minutes to show time and she’s still not out and ready to go. You send Miles the Security Guard in to get her, and he comes out and tells you and Crue, “She’s lying on the floor by the sink. She fell asleep. How should we proceed?” Vince and Tommy are stifling laughter. How do you, Nikki, and Mick respond?

Me: I’ll go in and wake her up and help her get ready. 

Nikki: I hope she’s ok. Why would she sleep this late?

Mick: I’ll go tell the tech guys to delay the show another twenty minutes. 

9. You’re hanging out with Bonham and the boys one day and a lot of things are going wrong, but nothing detrimental to your plans; minor inconveniences. At one point, you notice that every time something doesn’t go according to plan, Bonham sings quietly, “How could this happen to me?” At one point Randy asks her, “What are you doing? Why are you doing that?” How does she respond and what do you and Kevin say?

Bonham: I don’t know. I’m just doing it. 

Me: But that may bring bad luck and we may get more little inconveniences. 

Kevin: Jeez, superstitious much?

10. Bonham, Randy, Rudy and Drew are all over at yours and Kevin’s house one day. You’re all talking and hanging out outside except Kevin, who was doing something inside. He opens the door and pokes his head out. Just before you can say anything, he says, “Well if you’re all out here then I’m going to covet the inside.” before slamming the door. How do you all respond?

Me: Kevin, stop being antisocial and come outside, please. 

He closed the door right in Drew’s face so he’s a little annoyed. Rudy and Randy go in to get him and Bonham just shakes her head, “Why is he like this?” 

11. You’re at one of Mal’s soccer games with Kevin, Randy, and Bonham. It’s a sunny day and the middle of spring, so you’re all enjoying it. Bonham’s drinking from a soda, and while she’s drinking she suddenly throws it down to the ground and spits out what was in her mouth. “Jeez, you alright?” Randy asks. She sputters, “I just drank a bee! What do I do? What do I do I just drank a bee!” How do you and Kevin respond?

Me: Well did you swallow it? Did it sting you in the mouth or throat?

Bonham: Yes and no

Me: Than you should be fine. The bee will die shortly in your stomach acid and then your body will partially digest it. 

Kevin: Why are you like this? Why do you know all this gross stuff? 

---------------------

1) You, your singer, Kevin, and Randy are at one of your singer’s family reunions. She’s seven months pregnant with her and Kevin’s son Mal and everyone is asking her how she’s feeling and what they’ll name the baby. She says, “Oh, we’re going to name him Malcolm. And call him Mal as a nickname.” Her sister is walking past at that moment and says, “You’re already setting him up to be gay. Mal’s a girls name. And if you name him that, I’m giving him a normal name and everyone will call him that.” How do you, your singer, Kevin, and Randy respond?

2) Your singer is reading the news from her hometown and goes, “No fucking way.” You ask her what’s wrong and she slaps the paper on the table between you, Kevin, and Randy. “They just found two bodies in my uncle’s old house that I spent a lot of time in. They think they were either poisoned or overdosed.” How do you, Kevin, and Randy respond?

3) You and your band are on tour with Crüe. You, your singer, Nikki, and Tommy got super drunk and your singer stuck in a random movie. She stuck in Hairspray without realizing it and during one of the musical numbers, the villain says, “Oh, look at this motley crew.” Nikki screams, “What?! I don’t see us anywhere! Did we miss being in a movie or something?!” How do you, Tommy, and your singer respond?

4) Your singer is driving you, Randy, and Kevin around her hometown. She gets on the entrance ramp and floors it to get on the highway. Kevin’s holding the ‘oh shit’ bar and says, “Jeez, will you slow the fuck down?” Your singer gives a little laugh and says, “Kev, you must know but now I don’t slow down for anyone. Besides, you have to floor it to get on the highway here anyway.” How do you, Kevin, and Randy respond?

5) You, Kevin, Randy, and your singer are watching a movie on your singer and Kevin’s couch. Kevin is eating potato chips and crunching rather loudly. Finally, your singer says, “Oh my fucking god. Stop crunching so loudly. Jeez.” How do you, Randy, and Kevin respond?

6) Your roommate, Stephen, has a young daughter from a one night stand and he raises her on his own with your help. You’re feeding Emily one day and Stephen is making dinner when Emily points to you and says, “Mama.” How do you and Stephen respond?

7)  You go to visit your singer at her serving job. When you get there, she’s standing at the host stand with several hosts. She turns to you guys and is jokingly snarky, “No, you guys gotta leave” and such. One of the hosts, ho does not know who you guys are or hat you know your singer, goes, “Stop that. I apologize about her. She tries to act tough and scary but is just a big fluffy marshmallow.” How do you, your singer, Randy, and Kevin respond?

8) While on your vacation with your singer and Kevin, you and Randy come home rather late from the bar and end up making out in the hallway. All of a sudden, you hear, “Well, you two are going to town. Aren’t you?” Randy breaks away to see your singer in the bathroom doorway, smirking. “What are you doing up?” “I’m seven months pregnant and Kevin’s kid is bouncing on my bladder. I get up every twenty fucking minutes to pee. What do you think I’m doing up?” How do you and Randy respond?

9) Your band has just gotten offstage from performing the Farm Aid concert. Your singer is talking to a rather drunk Eddie while his wife, Valerie, is getting something. All of a sudden, you hear a “No, get off of me” and you and Kevin look over to see Eddie kissing your singer while she struggles to get him off. Valerie comes back right at that moment. How do you, Kevin, and Valerie respond?

10) Your band has been on edge since the WA killer started striking. One day, you and Randy are over at Kevin and your singer’s when he gets a call. He’s making dinner for Mal and Eddie when the phone rings so he puts it on speaker and you hear, “Is this Mr. DuBrow?” “Yes.” “We have your wife down here. There was an attempt on her life and she was shot. The police suspect it may have been the WA killer. She’s ok and in stable condition but you may want to come down to the hospital.” How do you, Randy, and Kevin respond and do you take 6-year-old Mal and 4-year-old Eddie with you?

11) You and Randy are sitting on Kevin and your singer’s couch while they are having an argument. “Quit smirking at me, I’m serious!” your singer says. “I’m not smirking!” Kevin responds. “Well, stop laughing at me.” “I’m not laughing!” Well, quit whatever it is you’re doing.” “This is me with a cheery disposition; a ray of sunshine in the mist of bleakness. Don’t put a cloud over my sunshine.” Your singer rolls her eyes, “It’s an excuse to laugh at me.” “RAIN CLOUD!” How does your singer respond to Kevin and how do you and Randy react to their argument?

12) It’s your bands very first night performing on a huge stage in front of several thousand people. As you’re about to step onstage, your singer grabs your hand and looks over at you with a smile, “We finally made it, Bons. Did you think we’d make it to here?” he looks out at the people. How do you respond?

@osbournebemydaddy   your move, Bonham, love          

[cxttonteethviolence-a]

so i’m basically overwhelmed with almost every aspect of my life right and have been off and on sick for about 2 months straight

i’m currently kinda just a fleshy ball of anxiety right meow. even horror movies are setting me off tonight, and those are pretty much what i use to calm down about 95% of the time.

gonna be lurking a bit and be picky and choosy about replies. i’m sorry if this pisses anyone off, but i’m just working with what my nerves will allow me. 

really long and invasive venting under the cut. if you are on mobile, i truly apologize because this is really, really long. honestly, it wasn’t meant to be that long, but i just started typing and... well... i literally have no other avenues that i can get this out and off my chest, so i hope you guys don’t mind. 

ugh, this is stupid. by february, i should be living out on my own with one other roommate in a four bedroom house. but the house needs to be completely renovated from top to bottom, and my roommate and i don’t have the money to have it done by professionals, so we’re relying on the good graces of friends and bribery of free meals. and i know the pay off will all be worth it, but good goddamn. it’s so much to take on.

not to mention, this house has been in my family since 1978. Which is great because my mom grew up there, I grew up there with my mom’s parents, and know the house like the back of my hand, but that’s also part of the problem. 

There’s... a lot of history there. And the vast majority of it was not great. 

It’s a corner house, so we’ve had a couple break in’s, two cars stolen, and a couple of cars running the stop sign and ending up in our backyard in the four decades its been with us. Not to mention, my mom’s mom -- my Nana -- was a hardcore pill addict, her husband, my Papa, was an alcoholic, which lead my older sister (the one that had her kids taken away by CPS, by which my parents, her husband, and I are now raising and have been since 2012). Every door in the house needs to be replaced because they have been kicked in or torn off the hinges, and I can point out every blood stain left behind on the carpet. And on top of it all, both my Nana and Papa died in the house on hospice. Don’t get me wrong, I had really good memories in the house as well, but it doesn’t end there. 

By 2010, my boyfriend at the time needed a place to stay so he could stay in California to help raise his daughter from a previous relationship, and the house was unoccupied, so he moved in. It was fine for a while. But he was 10 years older than me and expecting marriage when I was just turning 21, and I wasn’t ready. So our relationship eventually ended after about four months of consistent fighting. We made the very hard choice to remain friends and he continued to rent the house from my parents. He was still in love with me, and our friendship turned pretty damned emotionally and mentally abusive, and long story short, he fucked me up good. 

Come 2015, he found out I was sleeping with someone I didn’t tell him about (mind you, he was engaged to another woman at this point, and I know damned well I didn’t owe him insight into my sex life) and he made the decision to end our friendship and pretty much kicked me out of my own house. Piled all of my stuff that I had kept there at the door and told me to pick it up. Believe me, there’s a hell of a lot more to the story and I know goddamned well how fucked it is. 

But he was a good renter and a good father, so despite it, I told my parents I was okay with him still living there. I wanted to make sure that the kid that I had pretty much helped him raise since she was 9 months old and loved like my own daughter had a house she could call her own when she was with her dad and never wanted for anything. 

A side tangent, also in 2015, he had met a horrible woman when he was dating one of my friends that I had set him up with, dropped my friend on her ass, fell in love with this new woman and moved her into the house after 3 weeks of dating. Without telling my parents that he moved her in. My parents have always been more than accommodating to him and have gone above and beyond for him, so there’s no reason why they would have said no to her moving in, and he couldn’t bother telling them. But we worked around it and adjusted. It’s complicated, but my ex was still part of the family, so we made do. 3 months after that, he asked her to marry him, he found out I was sleeping with someone that I didn’t bother telling him about, and ended our friendship. This woman is a manipulative, abusive, horrible piece of shit, and one that my ex let into my childhood home and ruin the relationship between he and his daughter. They’ve both turned into disgusting human beings, and in the following 2 years we still let them live in that house, my ex completely stopped working on the house. I can’t even tell you how low his rent was and how large his paycheck was. The deal was that his rent would be unbelievably low as long as he kept working on the house so that when we decided to sell it, we wouldn’t have to put much work into it. But as soon as he and I stopped being friends, his stopped working on the house. And come November 15th of this year, he left less than a 30 day notice, up and left, and then couldn’t be bothered to pay out the rest of the year.

I swear, I walked in a couple weeks ago, and there were walls half painted, the backyard is a complete disaster zone, the 30 year old fence was never patched up, trash was piled up on the side yard, and projects that he and I had been working on in 2015 were still in their same place from the last time I saw them. It was truly adding insult to injury. 

So... yeah. I’m excited to be able to live out on my own for the first time in my life at 26yrs old, but there’s a lot of weight and history to that house, and almost as much work that needs to go into just making it livable again. And it’s so overwhelming, on top of having some further familial obstacles making this transition as difficult as possible. It’s just a lot of big changes, and I know there’s going to be a big pay off, but my nerves are so shot and constantly being sick is just making it harder to get things going. 

[justagirlwritingherlilheartout]

New town, New start (Tig-Sons of Ararchy)

Request: A club imagine where you save gemma from a holdup at some convenience store and bring her back to tm where she offers you a job because she notices your new and u start to work there and end up with either tig or chibs (your choice) this could be a series if u want

Thank you for the request! Love the idea! I decided to pick tig so i don't spam y'all with Chibs all day haha <3<3<3

Y/N was new to Charming, she moved there exactly a week ago. And today she had her job interview at the local animal hospital.

It was 4:30 PM and her interview was at 4:45 PM, so she decided to quickly get a water and a pack of gum from the small convenience store not far from the animal clinic.

''Are you serious?'' An angry female voice shook Y/N out of her thoughts  while she waited in a short line to pay for her water and gum.

''Ma'am, we can't let you go buy that much alcohol.'' The manager said as some new law was just posted a month ago about the maximum amount of alcohol a single person can buy.

''You must be fucking shitting me. Just give me what i want and you can keep the change.'' She said throwing a couple hundred dollars at the man.

''You can not bribe us in to selling you alcohol.''

''Yes i can! Watch me!'' She said, starting to put the bottles of whiskey in to her bag.

''Ma'am we'll need to call the cops if you don't stop.'' The manager said grabbing her hand.

''Hey hey.'' Y/N felt like she needed to step in, ''Sorry I'm late.'' She said wrapping her hand  around the older woman's waist in a friendly manner. ''Oh, you grabbed my stuff as well?'' She  said as she saw the woman looking at her with a confused expression. She winked at her, making the lady relax and send send the manager a smirk.

''Oh there is two of you?'' He asked in disbelief.

''Yep. One,'' Y/N said motioning to herself, ''and two.'' She motioned to the lady besides her.

''Oh, okay.. Sorry for the misunderstanding.'' The man apologized. ''Is there anything we can do for you?''

''Nah, we're good.'' The young girl said giving one two of the bags full of alcohol to the lady besides her and grabbing two of her own. ''Actually, we could use a hand.'' She said before nodding in the direction of the rest of the bags.

''Of course.'' The man said and grabbed the other 4 bags before following them out to the lady's car.

''Thank you.'' Y/N said to the man who smiled at her. ''Goodbye.'' She said as he didn't move.

''Oh, um.. goodbye, come again soon.''

''Thank you.'' The lady said with an amused look on her face.

''Anytime.'' The younger girl smiled as she put the bags in to the car.

''I'm Gemma. You're new aren't you?'' The lady offerd her hand.

''Nice to meet you Gemma, I'm Y/N.'' She took the hand and shook it. ''Yeah, moved here last week. It's a new town, new start. ''

''Welcome to Charming.'' Gemma said eyeing the girl up and down.

''Thank you.'' The girl smiled looking down at her phone, which read 5 PM. ''Shit.''

Gemma raised an eyebrow at the girl in front of her.

''Sorry. I just missed my job interview.'' Y/N sighed throwing her phone in to her purse.

''If you need a job there's an opening at the bar.'' Gemma lied. She wanted to fire that crow eater who has been flirting with Clay, for a while now.

''Really? That would be great.'' Y/N smiled. Sure, it wasn't the perfect job. But it was something.

''Yeah. Get in, I'll drive you there and we can talk about everything.''

''Alright.''

Once in the car the two women talked about the bar, about their families. Soon Gemma learned that Y/N moved here with her 16 year old brother who was kicked out by their parents after they caught him in bed with another boy.

''How old are you?'' Gemma wondered. The girl next to her looked like she was in her mid 20's but her attitude was so positive and bubbly that made her seem younger.

''I'm 25. I finished uni last year and got a veterinarian degree, so i hoped to get a job at the local animal clinic but oh well, I'll try again tomorrow or something'' She shrugged. ''Besides having two jobs wouldn't hurt as I'm the only one bringing money to this household of two.''

''You seem like you have it all planned out.'' Gemma said as they pulled in to a parking spot at MT.

The two got out of the car and walked in to the club house where Gemma turned to the girl and told her to wait there. Before walking over to a blonde girl behind the bar.

''What? No! I need the money!'' The blonde raised her voice and something told Y/N  that that wasn't a smart move. Gemma seemed like the alfa woman in this house.

''Half  sack!  Show the crow eater out!'' Gemma ordered a young looking boy, who couldn't be much older than Y/N.

''Yes ma'am.'' He said walking over to the blonde and grabbing her elbow, dragging her out.

''And don't call me ma'am ever again if you wanna keep the one ball that you have.'' Gemma said after him as she walked over to the awaiting girl.

''Okay so are you okay to work nights?''

''Yes.''

''Good, you get the shift from 4 to midnight.''

''Got it.'' The girl smiled. ''Is there anywhere i can put my stuff?''

''Ready to work? Good girl.'' Gemma said, pressing her hand on the small of her back and leading you to a small closed space behind the bar. ''Maybe i should get you some more... appropriate clothes.'' She said motioning to her  black A-line skirt that reached just above her knees and a white dress shirt that she had tucked in to it.

''Don't worry about it, just get me a knife.'' The younger girl smiled.

''Well then.'' Gemma raised an eyebrow at her before looking around. ''Tig!''

''Yeah?'' He walked up to the duo, noticing the new girl right away. ''Well hello there.'' He said shamelessly looking her up and down.

''Give me your knife.'' Gemma said punching his shoulder.

''Ow, what's that for?'' He looked at her.

''Stop fucking her with your eyes and give me your knife.'' Gemma said making the girl besides her chuckle.

''Here.'' He said handing her the knife, which she gave the younger girl.

''Thank you.'' Y/N said to both of them before walking in to the closed Gemma showed her before.

Once inside she cut off the hem of her skirt, making it now reach her mid thigh before making another cut, on the left side, creating a high slip, exposing more of her leg.

''Not bad.'' She smiled to herself before untucking her dress shirt, unbuttoning it and tying it at her waist before rolling up her selves. Her black bra was peeing out of the white material which only made the outfit look better.

Finishing everything off by putting her hair in to a messy ponytail she walked out of the closet making both Gemma's and Tig's yaws drop. ''What? I had a rebellious faze in high school.'' She smiled before walking over to Tig and Handing him his knife. ''Thank you,...''

''Tig..'' He said quietly, still taking her in before clearing his throat and repeating louder. ''I'm Tig.''

''Nice to meet you Tig.'' She smiled as he took his knife back, ''I'm Y/N.''

''You'll fit right in.'' Gemma said patting her on the back before walking away.

As he just stared at her she chuckled and said. ''So Tig, wanna be my first?''

His eyebrows shot up making her laugh before adding ''My first costumer.''

''Sure, I'll have a beer.'' He said and she winked at him, ''Coming right up.''

''Who's that?'' Jax walked up to Tig that was straight out staring at the girl's ass as she walked away from him.

''Y/N.'' The man said shortly as the girl walked in their direction again.

''Here you go.'' She smiled setting his beer on the desk in front of him. ''Can i get you anything?'' She gave  the blonde man the same warm smile.

''I'll take a beer as well, darlin'.'' He said before adding, ''I'm Jax, by the way.''

''Nice to meet you.'' She smiled before walking away to get him his beer. ''Here you go.'' She handed him his beer.

''Welcome to TM, Y/N.'' 

''Y/N what's this place?'' Jake asked walking in to the bar his sister send him the address too.

''It's my new job.'' She said as he sat down behind the bar that was mostly empty now, as all of the guys has something they called 'Church'.

''You work in a garage of the town's gang as a waitress?'' He asked in disbelief.

''I guess you could say that.'' She smiled. ''Anyway, how was school?'' She asked as she gave him a soda.

''It was fine. It would be better if i had my own car tho.'' He said making her sigh.

''Jake, I don't even have a car. You know we can't afford it.'' She reminded him.

''But you got a job  now.'' He insisted just as the guys walked out of their meeting.

''Yes but it will bearably cover rent, and i already have an interview for a second job tomorrow.''  She said before walking over to the other end of the bar where men, who she learned were Happy and Bobby sat. ''Hello boys, what can i get ya?''

While she was running around giving everyone their orders Tig sat down two stools away from her brother. ''Aren't ya a bit young to be here?'' He asked the young boy sitting there looking at his phone.

''He's mine.'' Y/N said over her shoulder sending tig a warm smile.

''Ah... Wait, aren't you a bit young to have such an old kid?'' He asked confusion all over his face as she handed him his beer.

''No, no,'' She laughed. ''He's my brother. He's the reason i moved here.''

''Oh, good.'' He said looking from the boy to her. They looked nothing alike. She had long red hair warm brown eyes and he had short blonde hair with blue eyes.

''Okay, how much is the bus ticket?'' She asked her brother once she finsihed serving everyone.

''How should i know? I never had to ride the bus.'' He rolled his eyes. It was clear that they both came from a rich family.

''Look, I know it's hard  to get used to this.'' She started, trying to keep calm. ''It's better to have to say no to some luxuries than to be homeless, don't you think?''

''Whatever.'' He said without looking at her.

''Hey!'' Tig grabbed a hold of the boys shoulder, squeezing it just enough so it hurt. ''How about some respect for your sister here?''

''I..'' Jake didn't know how to react.

''It's fine.'' Y/N sighed, reaching in to her wallet and pulling out 40$ ''This should cover the ticket home and some take out.'' She gave it to him. ''Home, eat, study, sleep.'' She ordered and the boy shook Tig's hand off before waking away at a quick speed.

''Thank you.'' She smiled at Tig, ''But you didn't need to do that.''

''Don't worry i bearably touched him.''  He told her before taking a drink of his beer.  ''Gemma told me why you moved here. I'm guessing you and your brother are used to living a rich life?''

''Yeah. He loved that lifestyle. I moved out when i was 19, went to study abroad.'' She told him and they spent the rest of the night getting to know eachother.

She ended up being fascinated by the club and it's buisness (not all of it of course, as  he only told her about the legal stuff). And he ended up being more and more intrigued by her wisdom and positivity.

It was 15 minutes after midnight when she gathered her things and said bye to everyone when he walked up to her again. ''Need a ride home?''

''Yes please.'' She smiled  a tired smile.

''Right this way then.'' He said motioning towards his bike. He gave her his helmet which she thanked for and put on her head while he got on the bike.

''Here.'' He said helping her on. ''Hold on tight.'' He smirked as he felt her hands wrap tightly around his waist.

''Ready?''

''Ready.'' She smiled. And they drove off in to the night.

'

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Request here!

Masterlist here!

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AN: Hey, let me know what you think. I really loved this concept (Gemma is just such an amazing character, i'm lowkey obsesssed with her)!! Maybe a part two?

[justalittlebluetiefling]

Chapter 22: Sometimes I Can’t See Myself

Rating: T Fandom: The 100 Pairing: Bellamy x Clarke Chapter: 22/? Word Count: 2627 Words

Chapter Summary: The one where Miller has to find a way to get Bellamy home safe, and Clarke’s really the only option.

Also on AO3

Her mother’s house was suffocating. That’s the only word Clarke could think of. Sure, she had a car so she could go out. And she had a summer internship at the clinic, so she wasn’t stuck there all the time. But after living on her own for nearly nine months, having Abby around all the time was overwhelming to say the least.

She missed her friends. Monty and Jasper were back in Iowa for the summer with their families. Harper had a job and their schedules didn’t mesh often. Things had been strained since Bellamy’s fight with Octavia anyway, which also meant that Miller was off of her list of options of people to hang out with. Wells was in Washington D.C. for two months interning with some fancy political person, so at least she didn’t have to work on a way to avoid him. The only thing she looked forward to was the fact that she and Octavia finally had a day off at the same time and she was going to hang out at her house in a few days. They talked every day, but it was a little surprising to see Octavia calling at 11:30 on a Saturday night, when Clarke knew that O was teaching a dance class at 8:00 the next morning.

“Hey, O, what’s up?”

“Oh my god, Clarke, are you awake?”

“Yeah.” Clarke laughed. “That’s why I answered. Are you okay?”

“Yeah. No. I don’t know. I’m pissed and I didn’t know who else to call. And I tried to not call, because I know you have early mornings in the clinic, but I just—”

“Hey, you know you can call me any time. Just tell me what’s wrong.”

“Atom’s gone.”

“What do you mean he’s gone? Did he finally answer the fucking phone?”

“I mean he’s gone. His roommate told me he fucking moved back home, wherever that was. And he blocked me on Facebook and he won’t answer the phone and I don’t know what’s going on.”

Clarke didn’t know what to say. Atom had been ignoring Octavia since ‘the incident’ and Clarke felt a little guilty that she didn’t know O was still trying to get ahold of him.  

“This is Bellamy’s fault.”

“I don’t know, O…”

“No. I’m serious. That’s what Connor said. And I called that fucker and he swears up and down he didn’t do anything except tell Atom to stay away from me. Which of course just set off a whole ‘nother fight and freaked out my mom. Fucking hell.”

“Do you want me to yell at him, too?” Octavia actually laughed then. “I will. I’ll rip him to shreds.”

“Well, it might have more of an effect. You two definitely know how to cut each other to the core.”

“Hey. Don’t make me remind you of the fact that you called him a manwhore in front of all of his friends. And his date.”

“Ouch. Okay. But he deserved it.”

“That he did.”

“We’re still on for Monday, right?”

“Yes.”

“Good. So what I think I actually need from you is for you to bring ice cream and cookies and your makeup and we’ll watch trashy movies and do makeovers and our nails and binge on junk food.”

“Yes. A thousand times yes.”

 ***

In spite of the fact that they ended the conversation laughing, Clarke was angry and she was tired, so before she really knew what she was doing, she called Bellamy. It registered on the second ring and she was about to hang up when he answered.

“Princess! To what do I owe this honor, my honorable princess-ness?!”

His words were slurred and Clarke’s anger was quickly replaced by shock. “Are you drunk?”

“You don’t control all the alcohol in the world. I mean, you can steal the bottles, but some people sell it. And I can buy it. Capitalism works with alcohol stores.”

There was a shuffle and the phone dropped.

“Get the fuck away from me, Bellamy.

Give me my fucking phone back!

No, stop it, and then you’ll get it back!

God damn it, Miller! Give it back!

Who is this?”

“Oh, are you talking to me?”

“Clarke?!”

“Miller.”

“Whatever. This works. Hold on a second.  

Where are you going?!

Give me a second, dude. Clarke wants to ask me something.

Oh, okay. Just come back and give me back the phone, okay?

Can you come pick him up? And take him back to the apartment?”

“Ummm….”

“Listen, he’s had too much to drink, and he’s about to start insisting that he’s fine to drive.

I am fine to drive.

See? I don’t want to have to knock him out to get his keys.”

“Where’s Harper?”

“She left today to visit her folks for a couple weeks. Clarke, I wouldn’t ask, but I’m not off for another three hours. You know how he is about cabs.”

Clarke fell back down onto her bed and closed her eyes. She didn’t think Octavia would be mad at her for helping Bellamy. She would just be angrier at her brother if he found a way to drive home drunk or let some stranger drive him home again. But the main thing that won her over was the fact that Miller wouldn’t be asking if it weren’t important.

“Fine. Fine fine fine. Give me twenty minutes.” She realized how hungover he was going to be the next morning and changed her answer. “Thirty minutes max.”

***

Clarke had never been to the bar Miller worked at. There was a small setback at the door when she tried to explain to the bouncer that she was just there to pick someone up. In the end, she convinced the man to go get Miller, who in turn convinced him to let her in. The dim light made the room hazy, and it was too loud, but she could still hear Bellamy. His voice carried through the crowd, and she didn’t even have to follow Miller.

Bellamy almost fell off of his stool when he saw her. “Princess! Hi!” He steadied himself on the bar before hopping over to her and giving her an unsteady, yet tight hug. It took Clarke a moment to bring her arms up to reciprocate the hug and she patted his back. Miller grinned behind the bar and rolled his eyes.

“Bellamy, you’re squeezing a little tight.”

“Oops, sorry.” He released her, but kept an arm around her shoulders as he guided her to the bar. “Nate! Nate. Nate. Nate.” Bellamy rested his free elbow against the counter and pointed at nothing in particular. “Did you know… that Clarke is my friend? Was my friend? Because I didn’t know. She had to tell me once.”

“You mentioned that earlier,” Miller said. He just shrugged when Clarke cocked an eyebrow at him. “Don’t you remember, Bellamy? I told you that she needs to borrow that book from me. You said you were going to go home with her to get it.”

“I remember! I do. I do.” His free hand pointed at her and he poked her on the nose, laughing when she squeaked. “She just wants to get in my bed.” Clarke elbowed him and he laughed. “I’m joking, Princess. You’d just say no if I asked, anyway.”

Clarke mouthed ‘what?’ at Miller, and he just shrugged again, but his shoulders were shaking with silent laughter. “Thanks for taking him,” Miller said. “It really is good to see you again, Princess.”

Clarke felt a twist in her heart, and she mumbled, “You too, Nate.” It was unfortunate that this was how it happened, but she hadn’t realized how much she had missed Miller until that moment.

She had a hard time turning Bellamy around, even after she looped her arm around his waist. He might have been able to walk mostly unassisted, but she wasn’t sure with the way he was leaning on her. She had to lean over him to buckle his seatbelt. He ran his fingers down her bare arm, giving her goosebumps. “Why did you come to get me?”

The whisper startled her and she met his eyes reluctantly. She couldn’t hold his gaze for long. He looked too sad. She cleared her throat and closed the door, taking the time to the driver’s side to think about how to respond. “We’re friends, right?” Clarke asked as she started the car.

“Maybe.” Bellamy was quiet, but only for a few moments, because then the alcohol kicked in again and he reached out to touch her hair. “Your hair is pretty. You’re pretty. Do you know that? And I always liked it in the winter when you painted. You know, when you’d show up and you always missed a spot of paint somewhere? It was funny. And it was cute.”

Clarke wanted to laugh, because he was rambling, but the things we was saying were so specifically about her instead of anything he usually went on about when he had been drinking. He didn’t let up as they pulled into a parking spot. He kept talking as they walked up the stairs and she had to fumble through his pockets for the keys because he couldn’t remember which pocket they were in. He tripped over his own feet when he started trying to take off his shoes. She had to pull him off the floor, which almost ended with them both on the floor a few times before she was successful. She helped him into a sitting position on his bed and knelt down to take off his shoes, then gently pushed him to lay down.

The whole thing could have been comical, except he kept frowning. She was slowly forgetting why she was so angry with him. She was the most surprised when she tried to cover him with his blanket. He grabbed her wrist and pulled her into another tight hug.

“I miss my sister,” he whispered, his fingers pressed tightly into her spine. She sighed and wrapped her arms around him the best she could. For a moment, she was worried he might cry and wasn’t sure what either of them would do if he did and remembered it in the morning. But then he sighed and loosened his grip without letting go.  

It made her nervous. She wasn’t sure why. “I’m going to go get you some water, okay, Bellamy?”

“Don’t go, Clarke.”

“I’m not leaving.” She extricated herself from his grasp and rubbed his shoulder awkwardly. “I’m just getting you some water.”

While she was in the kitchen, she got him a glass of water and then made a quick stop by the bathroom for aspirin. He looked so relieved when she got back in the room that she couldn’t help but smile. He even took the aspirin without much complaint and drank the entire glass of water. Aside from him suddenly deciding he really had to pee and her having to go through the process of getting him back into his bed, it was a smoother process than she could have imagined.

When he asked her to stay again, she relented and sat back against the headboard. He patted her on the knee and then turned onto his other side to curl up. She leaned back to wait for him to fall asleep and startled awake when a door closed. Her heart pounded as she checked her watch. Somehow, she had slept two hours leaning against that headboard. Bellamy had scooted closer until his back was pressed against her leg. Miller called her name softly from the hall and she jumped up as quietly as she could, smoothing her hair as she snuck out of the room.

“You sure stayed a while,” he whispered.

“There was a little trouble getting him into bed.”

“Whatever you say, Clarke.”

“Shut up, Miller.”

Bellamy woke up to his head pounding the next morning. He rolled over to find his phone plugged in next to a glass of water and some aspirin on his end table with a note. Take these before you get up, asshole. If the handwriting hadn’t been so feminine, he would have suspected Miller. He was hungover enough that the instructions sounded like a fantastic idea, even though as he chugged the water, his stomach protested a bit.

As much as he wanted to wallow in his hangover, he knew he had to get up. He forced himself out of bed, changed into more comfortable clothing, and brushed his teeth before he found his roommate on the couch.

“Don’t sit yet. Clarke left some 7-up in the fridge and some crackers in the cereal cupboard for you.”

The feeling of running his fingers through blonde hair flashed in his mind and he tensed up. “Clarke was here?”

“Oh god,” Miller laughed. “You don’t remember anything?”

Bellamy grabbed the items from the kitchen before joining Miller on the couch. “What happened?”

“Do you want to hear about how you nearly knocked her over with a very enthusiastic hug at the bar or do you want to hear about how she was still here when I got home from work?”

***

An hour later, he finally got up the nerve to dial her number. The only real reason he was nervous about calling her was because while Miller knew how the night started and how it ended, he had no idea what kinds of things he had said to her in between. Obviously, it hadn’t been anything too horrible if she had stayed so long. But he didn’t know why she had stayed so long.

“I guess I should have known to expect a call from you.”

“Not even a hello. Just straight to the good stuff, huh Princess?”

”Wow. You sound like shit. How are you feeling?”

“From what Miller tells me, better than I deserve.” He hesitated. “He also told me that I owe you a lot of apologies and a lot of gratitude.”

“I don’t know. I called you last night because I was pretty pissed off at you, and then you needed a ride home and I was even more pissed off at you –“

“And you still came to get me.” She laughed and he hesitated again.

“You didn’t let me finish, ass. I was pretty pissed off until you told me how pretty you think I am.”

“What?!” He barely choked out the word and she laughed even harder.

“I think I finally understand why so many women sleep with you. You’re so charming when  you’ve got some liquor in you.”

“Oh my god. I wish you had left me to die.” She laughed again and he wished she would stop. “Don’t come and get me next time.”

“Why? You don’t want to end up confessing your undying love for me?”

“Goodbye, Clarke.”

“Wait!”

“No. I’m done. I’m going back to sleep.”

“Bellamy….”

“What?” His thumb hovered over the ‘end call’ button, but she sounded so serious he waited.

“I know you’re not in a good place right now. And O’s my best friend, so I’m kind of obligated to take her side.”

“Gee, thanks, Princess. Have a nice life.”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying!”

“Then what are you saying? My gratitude for your help can only extend so far.”

“God, you’re an ass. Listen. If you need to talk, I guess you can call me. You were really out of it last night, and it was kind of scary.”

“I was drunk. It’s not that big of a deal.”

“Okay, you know what? Never mind. Just… just remember what I said.”

“Thanks.”

“Bye, Bellamy. And you’re welcome.”

He hung up without saying anything else and let himself fall face first on the bed.