#and I never figured out how to resolve that conflict lmao

[rabbits-of-negative-euphoria]

can we maybe have a title to look up on AO3 (if it's on AO3?) for that fanfic? please?

oh anon. if that fic ever sees the light of day it would be after several extensive rewrites. but your vote of confidence warms my heart, truly.

[death---dealer]

Head First. ( Noa x Human! Reader.) Part Four.

man i may as well write a whole book lmao

Title: Head First. Fandom: ( Kingdom of the ) Planet of the Apes. Rating: T. ( Tiny bits of fleeting injury mention, some mating innuendos. The same as the rest of the series lol. ) Words: 7.3K ( Holy SMOKES- ) Pairing: Heavily Implied Noa x Human!Reader ( HEY WE MOVED UP A BIT ) Summary: You could grovel. You could beg forgiveness for being offended... Or you could just wait in silence for Noa to speak. They all seemed like such good ideas. READ THE SERIES HERE.

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Silence fell over the two of you, a consequence of the circumstances you supposed. Not supposed, you knew better, but that’s just how you put it to keep the guilt at bay, to keep it from eating you from the inside out. Fingers finding a new home in the rocky sand underneath your body, you contemplated and tried so desperately to reason with the part of yourself that was telling you to gravitate closer to him, pull yourself nearer, let him know with just your body that you were sorry, that you couldn’t bear to be without him.

Scoffing quietly at that, your more rational side came back with its own rebuttal. Just talk to him. It’s the least he deserved after the cold encounters you’ve had since your hunting trip. The stares of conflict from across the communal dinners, the times when you were with Soona, having to stand down and excuse yourself if you saw Noa approaching, the intense scrutiny Noa found himself in when you had turned your attention towards him. Scrutiny not just from you anymore. He could feel it coming from Anaya now who had a true lack of understanding. That’s how Noa urged himself to feel better after the argument earlier in the day. No, no… He shook his head and shut his eyes for a moment. The disagreement earlier in the day. That was better.

The sun setting was nice, you thought numbly to yourself in some subtle attempt at not letting your eyes dig into Noa. The way that the sun dipped in shades from bright oranges near the horizon, all the way to the fluffy and pink nature of the clouds that were hovering so delicately over the landscape, maybe ready to turn for the worst as it was the time of year for those storms to brush the area during the early evenings and into the late nights. If only you were in a different juxtaposition… You would look at that setting sun and beg to think that it was a romantic setting if you weren’t so aware of the choked tension floating between one mind all the way to another.

Pulling your hands upwards, you wrapped them around yourself and traced the lovely nature of those clouds with your gaze, clasping your elbows and smearing dirt to your skin as a result of your hands previously being buried in the Earth. It appeared like you were a small child, looking at Noa, how tightly sprung together he was, and decided to take the same position yourself. Your ribs pressed against your knees as you pulled in on yourself. In no way was it comfortable but there was a calming sensation that rolled over you at the idea of squeezing yourself out of existence. There was nothing tying your eyes to the sky and they fell like a hardened raindrop to the Chimp in front of you.

The way that his shoulders were dominoing in, the way that his breathing was slow, pensive and full of thought. Fur was a bit on edge, raised around his shoulder blades and on his neck. He had acknowledged that you were there when you first stumbled upon him. He hadn’t heard you move away so the safe assumption was that you were both sitting in deafening silence out of pride. Which one was more stubborn, Ape or Echo?

Deep down, you hoped it was your resolve that was going to persevere.

You had to be judging him, he figured and out of mild self-deprecation, he’d in turn think that he was deserving of that… Deserving of you scolding him with the heat of your gaze, deserving to never be in your presence again… How he just wanted to be near you again, even if it was in dull conversations that served no consequences from either one of you. It should have stayed that way, Noa beckoned to himself, a bemused chortle hitting the back of his throat at the idea. Flicking the water with his fingers, he watched as a ripple effect took hold and scattered like the wind along its surface. It should have stayed simple… Should not have ever happened, he spent so much time now convincing himself that the feral pull he had towards you meant nothing, and that he just wanted to go on with his life. You didn't want to be with him. He didn't want to be with you. Apart, separated by years upon years of misunderstanding and battling cultures.

Despite trying to convince himself otherwise, his feelings were the polar opposite. It made him ache, pulling at a part of him that he didn't even know existed. A part that would disappear the day you decided to leave the Eagle Clan to go back and live a decent life of normalcy, maybe even finding another group of Echo nomads.

Twitching his right shoulder at that, he tried to shake it off. The thought… of you leaving… Noa never seeing you again, Noa never being able to hear your voice in his head, holding out on some immature thought that maybe you’d come back to him. Noa knew that if that’s what you chose, he’d have to stand down and let you do it. There was ultimately nothing he could do to get you to stay, in fact, he wondered at times why you did. You held no bonds here, maybe Soona and Anaya as they were becoming your friends, but other than that? Noa shook his head and huff, chest heaving out hard and then collapsing back in. no reason, no reason at all…

Alas, sitting behind him with that all familiar glow of heated glances laying waste to his shoulders, you were only wondering what was going on inside of his head. You found the fist of judgment coming down harder on yourself than on anything Noa could, or potentially could, ever do to you. If you were to talk to him, what were you going to say? An apology made sense in most scenarios you ran your way through but… You also felt entitled to an apology yourself and you wondered for a split second if Noa was in the same throes of contemplation, essentially playing a game of Chicken to see who would falter first.

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There was no solace in dreams. You tried to push that small disappointment from your thoughts. You doubted you’d be able to have any semblance of a good dream given the absolute nightmare you just had. Alone in a room with three strange Apes… Chimpanzees, your mind corrected itself, prideful that it was able to remember such a detail. You drew a deep breath in, trying desperately to ignore the burning feeling of your throat. It was screaming for water. Your mouth felt dry too, parched to the point were you felt the beginning of cracks at the edge of your lips. The mild aching in your head returned, most likely now due to a mixture of your injuries and dehydration. All this aside, you didn't want to open your eyes in some hope that maybe you could beckon a dream your way. A good one. Something to distract from your previous nightmare.

Moving quickly, you were sitting straight up with a gasp falling from you body once you felt the pestering pounding on your temple. Grasping your head for a moment, you tried to get your bearings back. It was just a nightmare, you told yourself over and over again. Squinting, your eyes came into focus; slowly but surely you were able to make out mild details in the room. Feeling like you were about to lose whatever sense of pride you had left, you gazed at a form in the corner. It seemed human, at least in the low firelight, and it was moving. At least, shoulders were. You peered at them, tilting your head in hazy confusion. Your body felt like it was crunching with the movement, you knew that to be from dehydration for sure. You just had to think to yourself again; how long had you been passed out?

Shoulders were moving, right right… Shoulders… moving… Hands were doing something, you could tell, seeing a minor sheen coming from whatever they were holding and fixated on. You shook off the grimy feeling of your hair, actually your entire body, and felt your breath catch in your throat when you finally deduced the form to not be that of a human. Oh… Oh! You groaned audibly, grasping at your head again with both hands as it thrusted. It almost felt like your brain was rattling around your skull like it was in a cage it was trying to escape from.

Within a split second, you were face to face with… A Chimpanzee. You wanted nothing more than to move, get away from their stare as they were curious of the nature of your previous sound. It felt overwhelming to move, especially when your head was whirling. When your muscles felt tense, when your back felt sore… You thought about your ankle and the lack of pain radiating from that. Had… Had that Ape… You were having a difficult time remembering their name, had they done something to help your pain there? You remembered the rooty paste splatting on your skin, you remembered there being three of them before where there was only one now. Double vision hit you as you looked down. They were holding something for you. A crudely sculpted bowl of sorts. It was made of clay from the valley, you noticed the deep red color.

What was in it… You squinted again, seeing a ripple of sorts as they finally held it out between your two bodies. There was… Was no way… Your mouth parted and without hesitation, you grabbed it roughly and consumed what was in it. Briefly, their hand lingered in the air before falling back to watch you. Water dripped from your face, drawing themselves into the cracks that reside on the corners, down your chin to drip onto your lap. You wanted nothing more than to place your entire body into water, but the water from the bowl did well enough. Lifting a hand, you wiped the remaining traces from your face and placed the bowl down next to you. Your head was still beating, but as you came to incredible and appreciated lucidity, it slowly tapered to an ignorable throb from your temple.

Noa. That was the name of the Ape here, you recognized him from the details of his face from his pure proximity the first time you woke up. Soona and Anaya were the other two. Two males, one female. You were impressed with your ability to remember despite passing out shortly after processing the fact that you had been saved by them. You stopped moving at that, staring at him in front of you as he placed his body down to sit. They had… Saved you. They could have very well left you there to die, they very well could have taken it upon themselves to take your life, it would have been incredibly easy because you were already on the doorstep of death.

But, they made the choice not to and went through what you imagined to be a rather difficult transverse, to bring you back to their Clan and heal you. Well, to an extent. How much about injury did they know? Obviously, enough to get the spear head out of your leg. Enough to get the bleeding to stop with a paste, that you deduced must have had natural numbing abilities for the bottom half of your calf was of lesser feelings as opposed to its thigh or foot counterparts.

Swallowing, you finally felt good enough to talk. Felt good enough did not equate to actually talking as you still held a frantic force of hesitation; rightfully so you thought to yourself as you saw Noa move, this time being able to actually process how he moved, how he was quick to grab the bowl from you, how he traced back to the corner of the room, hand free but his other appendages were what was keeping him in his hunched position. You could hear him filling the bowl back up, returning just a second later. He handed it to you, flinching back at the mere ferocity you had grabbing it and consuming again. Water fell down your face again, this time getting caught on its way down along your neck. The water shone and reflected against the firelight. Noa noticed you didn't take any time to wipe the water off this time, his attention being drawn back to your eyes that had not left his body once.

“Many days asleep. Three nights… two days. Night now.” Noa looked over at a window that led to the outside. If you focused, you could hear a bit of a bustle. Hoo’s, hoots, hums… So many types of sounds and they were surrounding you. There were more Apes. Obviously, you mentally slapped your forehead. Obviously there were more!

You processed his words, trying to get past the gruff nature of his voice. He was obviously well versed to speak verbally, but from the awkward placement of his tone, it sounded like he wasn’t used to speaking for prolonged periods, or at the very least, used to talking in full sentences or enough to give you insight. At least, that’s what you assumed. He was telling you how long you were out. You figured that his analysis included the few minutes you woke up in a panic before subsequently falling to oblivion again. “W…” You started and felt your throat almost collapse in on itself out of fear of appearing vulnerable. But, out of your own mental sanity, you needed just one more answer from him, “What happened…?”

Noa hesitated. He could answer one of two ways. Honestly or less honestly. Honesty; it would be the truth. Soona, Anaya finding you half dead from being hunted, Noa then proceeding to tell them that the Eagle Clan did not kill, even mercy kill. Taking you back to the Clan, forcing his friends to transfix with him as he pulled the spearhead from your leg and urged them to help him keep an eye on you. Urged them to help him help you. Less honesty; it would be the same as the truth, maybe taking away the meager details of Noa forcing his friends to help. He contemplated and figured that in your Echo nature, you would always assume the worst and think that his force towards his friends meant that they didn't want to help you and you could potentially take that as a way towards assuming they were ultimately going to kill you once Noa wasn’t there.

So, he went with the less honest truth.

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‘I do not understand.’ Those four signed words left you reeling, almost chomping at the bit just to get the confirmation that he was actively not ignoring you and that your speculation was correct. He was deep in thought, waiting for the moment when it was all tied together neatly. When he could talk without another fumble, or at least, hope that another mistake, another mis-interpretation, was far off in the distance. He had fumbled with you once. He had fumbled with Anaya and tried to keep that out of his mind, pinning that he would find a way to solve it once he got his issues solved with you.

It had taken some time, the sun now dropped behind the curve of the Earth, the only light now being that of lingerance, beams sinking into the cold blue sky that had shifted to that color in the blink of an eye and replaced the previously enjoyed oranges and pinks with its first tease of glowing lights that speckled the heavens on a nightly basis. You felt cold, goosebumps rising themselves along your bare arms as the mild chill of the dead night began to set in despite it still being light evening. Baited in anticipation, you weren’t sure if your goosebumps were from the brisk air or from the excitement it gave you that Noa was finally talking, albeit, using sign language.

‘Do not understand,’ He repeated and rolled his shoulders once more. His moniker when nerves were running rampant and he had no other outlet available, often choosing to subside and tinker with things than talk them through, “Echo.” Oh, if you could jump with joy without reserve at the sound of a voice, you’d have done just that as you reveled in the sound of it encapsulating your eardrums. You wanted to pull it in closer, closer… Whisper just to me, your senses screamed at Noa, you’re just for me…

Drawing your bottom lip in at the statement he had made, a blend of delicious verbalization with signing, you understood the notion. He was now looking over his shoulder, right at you a few feet behind him. The dark that was setting in now made it difficult to see his expression against the backdrop of his dark fur and with that, he turned back forward and you were stuck looking at his back. Again.

You needed to muster yourself to say something. The bold accusation you had about Noa, thinking that it was all his fault, thinking that you were the one who deserved an apology was quickly thrown out to the wind and carried off. “I’m sorry…” You whispered again. “I-I don’t know why… I got so mad. Offended…”

“Echo is confused of Echo.” Noa observed.

You huffed out a sarcastic laugh but his observation wasn’t too off the mark. You have felt confused now for weeks. Confused since you first talked about romantic love. Confused at the feeling spurred deep inside of you listening to Noa talk about rabbit mating, confused by the entitlement that you felt, wanting him to only look at you when his attention was elsewhere contradicting the absolute befuddlement you got when he looked at you… You picked your body up from the ground, shaking a few small pebbles and sand off your backside as you trailed towards the Chimp, quite on your feet but you knew he was aware of your body and its placement. If he could be the first to talk, you could be the first to move. Compromise, right?

Noa acknowledged you, tilting his head briefly towards you as you bent down before his focus drifted back towards the water, this time, making small traces along the waterline with his gaze. You were confused when he looked in you. He was intense with his watching, bordering on absolute obsession. It felt like it left burn marks on your own irises when you made eye contact. He was grabbing your throat metaphorically, hot in his hand, small in his hand, and forcing you to drown with him and you never stopped it. You… You didn't want it to stop.

You wanted nothing more than to grab his chin and force him to look at you in this moment, but you feared the repercussions. Noa snapping himself out of your touch, Noa refusing eye contact, mimicking you when he asked you something you didn't know how to answer, refusing to… to… Your hands had balled into small fists as you crouched down next to him. Not sitting, you were teetering on balancing yourself on the balls of your feet.

“It is… my fault.” Noa was quick to draw the blame solely on himself. It was habitual behavior, you noticed he’d rather apologize himself and get it out of the way rather than point the finger at someone else. You wondered if that was a quality his Mother had as opposed to his Father, the late Leader of the Eagle Clan, who from Noa’s words, was courageous and did what he could to save his people.

“Push… Pushed too far with Echo, Anaya was right. Should have known better, Noa should have known, should have never---” He came to an abrupt stop, not willing to give either of you the satisfaction of his next words but they still teased at his tongue in a bid to just admit. It pulled him in for a second with the promise that it would feel better if he just told you how he felt, what was going on but on the other hand? Absolute chaos could ensue. You could reject him, you could choose to find another, either Echo or Ape. What would Noa do then? He felt uneasy in the pit of his stomach like he was in freefall.

He’d suffer, he’d never find another mate, he wouldn’t want to. You weren’t even his mate now and he’d vow to never find another unless he won the chance with you if you gave him the option. Hm… Noa didn't sit with that word now… If.

Pessimism went a long way, much further than optimism.

He was unraveling faster than he was able to cope with and it left you to back track and replay what he told you a few times. Details were spilling you had no idea about. When did he talk to Anaya about all of this? What did he tell him? What did Anaya tell Noa? Swallowing hard at the prospect that Anaya now despised you, you shook it off and looked down at your hands. Noa was careful, you were sure he selected his words with Anaya and you weren’t going to lose a friendship… or two.. You glanced at Noa. Whatever kind of friendship this was. Were you even friends? Or just a naive Ape and a scared Echo who had mutually understanding that it would be beneficial to tag the notion as friendship, just to supersede and stroke both their egos? You didn't want to think about that; about the idea that Noa was just using you for the human knowledge you had and it was nothing more than surface level. Maybe, he was pitching a fit because if you didn't talk to him, he didn't get information.

You felt a burning sensation at the back of your throat as you tried to stifle down any attempts at crying. Noa hadn’t ever seen you do that. He had seen you melancholy, sad at times but never actively crying. Did Apes cry? Did they know what it meant? What would Noa’s response be? The emotional release was seducing you, one tear at a time as they began falling from your eyes, rolling down your cheeks in utter silence before catching a ride down and collapsing against your hands below. Quickly, your hand shot up upon feeling wet and you were wiping your eyes and telling yourself to stop… Stop, stop, stop. Noa would just feel worse if he knew you were crying, if he saw you crying in front of him.

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Eyes stared longingly at the window as sunlight drew its beautiful face into the room. Finally, after what felt like eternity, you could see the room for what it was. A small wooden structure, walls slanted in to a point at the very top but with enough space left to vent, letting smoke of the fire escape without smothering the occupants. A very simple but a very sophisticated design. There was a pile of items in the corner, none of which were instantly recognizable other than the jar that held the paste that so deliciously kept the wound on your leg from bleeding and from general feelings of pain. It was incredible and you wanted to ask what it was but felt it stepped over whatever cordial boundary was set by Noa, by his Clan.

The last three days were incredibly… Boring. You hadn’t been permitted to leave the space you had become so accustomed to save for the occasional guarded times you were let outside to relieve yourself. You didn't get much for your bearings from doing that, the times you have, it was either too dark out and you found it difficult to really assess the village, or Noa purposefully kept his entire body in your line of vision. You had to bark at him the first time, explaining that it was private when he didn't turn away, your hands freezing as they made work to unbutton your pants. He didn't question and turned around quietly and paced forward a bit, perplexed at the severity of your demand.

Privacy, he noted, was a virtue it seemed, at least for Echo’s. Who was he to deny when he had no alternative motive? You hadn’t been allowed to bathe, only eating when Noa supplied you with sustenance, three times a day, on a schedule it seemed. You were lucky to have your backpack with you and were silently grateful to Noa and his friends for not discarding it. It held your clothes and a few small personal effects. If you couldn’t bathe, at least you could have a change of clothes. One dirty pair to another slightly less dirty pair.

He was never late for your meals, showing up at sunrise as the sun peaked itself onto your eyelids, spurring you out of your sleep, at mid-day when the sun tickled your shoulders and right about now, when the sun was flirting on the horizon and threatened to disappear. And he never stayed longer than he had to. He’d watch you eat, never taking in the pleasure of eating with you as it would give cause for Anaya or Soona to presume that Noa was bonding.

Your meals were usually a few pieces of roasted fish, some berries, and nuts in the morning and evenings, your mid-day meal being a bit more light on the fish with a flashy assortment of roots of varying colors. Some brown, some purple, some red. Potatoes, maybe? Whatever it was was good enough to eat. Simple again, and it kept you energized enough to heal your body.

Luckily, the banging from your head subsided yesterday and only hurt if you were too fast to quirk your neck in movement. The bruise on your shoulder blade was nothing more than a light pink, the burns around your wrist from rope was healing tenderly into a small line of pink. They might completely disappear if they chose not to scar you. Your leg was doing its best with what was given. You were just thankful that it didn't have any adverse signs of infection.

As if at your beck and call, Noa propped the door open with his free hand, sauntering rather gracefully as he stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. Made from simple thickets of wood bound together by some twine, it looked lighter than it actually was, the weight behind evident in the small grunt that Noa made handling it with one hand. Feeling your stomach churn from excitement, you were quick to take the bowl once he offered it to you in his usual silence, not anticipating much back in return. You didn't converse outside of him asking how your calf felt, asking if you felt better. He was surprised to hear the utterance of a tiny ‘thank you’ under your breath and it left him feeling bewildered.

You went for the nuts first; always the easiest as they came to you already deshelled. Eagerly placing them in your mouth, you almost groaned out of satisfaction as your teeth came crunching down on them, the noise reverberating in your ears. Licking your lips, you peered over at Noa who was back to his usual spot. The corner, he must have had a good view to watch over you from there. Able to see if you’re gravitating towards the door, able to see if you’d even consider crawling out the window.

Huh, you hadn’t thought of that but now that it was in your mind, it wasn't terrible--- You stayed quietly still, watching with confusion as he placed a bowl in front of himself, hunching his rather broad body down and picking at the contents. Was he… You tilted your head and felt your fingers brush over some berries. One smooth, one a bit fuzzier. Blueberries and raspberries, you figured. There was no way he was eating with you, right?

Drawing your pointer finger to your lips, you licked it and made eye contact with Noa, who in his fit of confidence that shifted him to eat with you, watched the movement with a vague sense of perplexity, green eyes narrowing as your tongue sapped the juices of a berry off your fingertip before you dropped your hand back down, now slightly encased with saliva. Noa watched it glimmer as it caught the light of the sun rays before you picked at the berries, searching for another red one.

Echo’s were weird, he kept telling himself and tucked into a piece of fish. He’d be absolutely foolish to not notice your eyes on him. The way they seemed to glare as he took a bite, canines more evident than ever as he tore apart the skin of the fish to get to the tasty meat inside. He made it look so easy, you felt a pang of jealousy at how slow you were to dismantle the fish. You avoided it; picking now at the berries and nuts, not sure if your lack of hunger was from actual lack or the fact that Noa was sharing a meal with you.

“Do you…” You perked up at the sound of his words, mustering a tiny reverb off the walls of wood around you. “Not like?”

Ah… You slid yourself to sit cross legged and looked at your bowl. He must have noticed you taking less interest in the fish. Noa knew it wasn’t like you to skimp. In fact, he was pretty adamant about getting you to eat, knowing that it would somehow aid in your body’s ability to heal. The faster you heal, the faster you can be released, was always the feeling you got for him, no personal attachment to the situation outside of not wanting you to die. You didn't answer him right away, staring contently at the food he so graciously gave you day in and day out.

“I um…” Drawing your bottom lip in, you chewed at it roughly. Enough to leave indentations of your teeth against the sensitive skin, but you reminded yourself not to go too hard otherwise you were going to end up with a mouth full of blood from breaking the skin. Noa took note of that action. Nerves, he had figured out. You did that when nervous, put on the spot. “I-it’s good.”

How were you supposed to make small talk with an Ape? What were the common grounds you could find? Obviously food, Noa brought it up first. The weather? Oh! Your hobbies, of course. He must have wanted to know all about those, you murmured sarcastically in your head. You had no idea the social etiquettes of Apes and it was evident with how he held himself that Noa thought the same about Echo's.

“Can show you,” He manifested right next to you, causing your heart to jump into your throat. You tightened your shoulders and looked at him, mouth open in surprise as you simply didn't see him abandon his spot to come sit next to you. Were you really that deep in thought? "How to take fish apart."

You blinked once, looking down at his hands as he was now holding an entire fish in his grasp. You blinked twice, bringing your eyes back up to captivate his gaze with fleshed out fear but simmered curiosity sat behind that. He had to have seen it sitting so close to you, the proximity leaving very little threshold. It was apparent that personal space was not a concept to him, but you took mild interest in the way his breathing collapsed against your shoulder with each out-stretched exhale. Wordlessly, you nodded and he began a very intricate breakdown of how to work around the skin, work around the bones… You watched him, flickering between both his hands and his face, like a child being taught something new. You retained nothing from the lesson, more perturbed as before. He was so… remarkably human.

A part of you shifted with uneasy thought.

Maybe… He was more like you than you cared to admit.

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Luckily, you were able to stave off crying audibly but now you dealt with the consequences of your eyes burning from the tears still lingering behind them. You fell back from the balls of your feet harder than you anticipated, bringing your body in to sit next to Noa. You weren’t going to move for a long time, you decided, maybe even pulling yourself into a tightly sprung ball and just sleeping by the creek rather than making the trek back to your make-shifted nest for what you would assume to be a rather fitful night of sleep. Laughing to yourself, you thought you’d sleep better on the cold hard ground rather than in your securely knitted bed.

What you so desperately wanted was for the Ape next to you, your shoulders brushing once with loose connections, to take you into his arms and pull you into his nest for the night. You’d let him, you’d let him hover above you in devotion, crashing down on you like waves of the ocean, you’d let him sleep next to you in comfort to drift to a place full of dreams… Your knuckles were flushed with white as you had tightly curled your hands into fists, a violence shaking through you at the unsatisfaction that you were more than likely never going to experience those things with him. A reality that was set in motion the moment you met. The day he chose to save you instead of letting you die like you were supposed to.

“Noa does not understand Echo…” That was a clear moment of self-admittance and it stung a bit to think about. You shared the same sentiment but had the impression that Noa already knew that and was focusing on his own turmoil in hopes that maybe it would solve yours as well. You had given him so much but so little at the same time. So much about your humanness, but not enough about your own self; shutting him down completely the moments when conversations turned too personal. All personal items he knew about you came from picked apart conversations between the two of you, conversations he pretended to not be invested in when you talked to Soona, Anaya and even his own Mother. He was always listening, always holding himself out to get more, more…

He wanted it with such fever, such carnal intent that he’d consider begging for it but never did out of self-reservation and some sickening idea that he was too important to do that; his mind would yell at him. He was the leader, he was the Eagle Clan. He should only make others beg, he should only make his Eagles follow his commands, Noa wasn’t built to take them from others. But, if you asked him to? If you commanded Noa to beg? Oh, Noa would grovel on his knees just for a speckle of your attention, just for an insight to you, not just as a figment in his imagination anymore, but as a real possibility, an avenue for him to take.

Your fingers twitched in desperation to touch him. Just a sparing graze of your fingers along the bridge of his brow, a fluttering sensation of your hand against his bicep. There was that incentive to comfort but he was giving you nothing to work with. He was still rigid next to you, his breathing paced and steady. If he were putting effort into making it so, he was covering it up very well. Swallowing back a lump that had formed in your throat, you scooted closer to him and let your shoulder make brief contact with his own. Thick fur tickled at you, primal feelings resting in your spine to just lean fully against him, knowing he’d let the weight of your body collapse against him and he’d hold you in place. That’s what you thought would happen in your mind; nothing from Noa gave you intent to think otherwise. He’d probably let you fall if you did that, not understanding the pure intimacy of the gesture.

“I…am sorry. Should never have asked… about mating… ” That tore you out of a mild daydream. Noa’s voice came out softly as opposed to the usual awkward placement he found himself in trying to form words.

Acknowledging the apology for what it was, you sighed a small bit and nodded in acceptance. Noa saw it out of the corner of his eye. So… That was that. You both apologized, you both looked out at the creek in front of you, watching as the water lapped its way across the landscape. The sun was gone, the sky was turning from that lovely blue-ish purple to a deeper setting midnight navy. Soon, there was going to be no illuminance to see the features of his face next to you, to trace his furline on his brow, to sweep yourself in the intensity of his eyes… Sighing gently, you shuffled next to him once more, shoulder bumping rather than grazing.

“I never have.” You said to him with a flash of a smile more at yourself than at him. You were trying to keep yourself calm and grounded, trying to convince yourself that you were doing the right thing by opening up. By admitting something to him that no one else knew about. “Mated… You uh…” Drawing your bottom lip in, Noa sunk happily into that. Some sort of normalcy back in this whirlwind of two weeks that took almost all his willpower to overcome. “Asked me about… that the first time we really talked. I never answered you and I--- I should have…”

Quietly, Noa turned his attention to you, green reminiscent of leaves with dew on them burrowing holes into your own. Whatever it was that you were doing, groveling, bargaining… He didn't want it to stop as the sound of your voice drew him back to some realm of peace and when you turned his face to continue speaking, he could feel your breath against his cheeks, against his eyes and he shut them for a moment to relish in the sensation. “I had nothing to hide with my answer… You… Were just asking me a perfectly acceptable question.” You laughed, “I mean, I’d want to know if you were mated in case they came for you.” Pausing at how stupid that must have sounded, you gave him one bit more, taking the entire concept of the last few conversations into your own hands, “ I’ve never even been kissed. Wh-When I told you all about that.. I don’t even know how it feels.” You laughed a bit at that. The concept of embarrassment hitting you like waves. Now he knew. Now you knew he knew and that was okay. What Noa chose to do with the information was now the question in the air.

“Thank you…(Name).” He was soft beside you, the nature of your name coming out of him sounding more enticing the more it replayed in your mind, starting the moment it hit your ears. This was the first time he called you that, and not their rudimentary ‘Echo’. With widened eyes, you looked at the side of his face, trying hard to find what he was thinking, how it must have felt to say your name… Was it good? Did… did he like the sound of it? Your mouth fell into a state of awe, almost slack jawed. You wanted him to say it again. Your hands grasping at his fur in your head. And again. His hot fur against your body. And again. Him making you his.

You nodded at his gratitude, unable to verbally say anything in fear that you were going to absolutely come crumbling down. Slowly, as the way he said your name beat its way around your skull, you began convincing yourself to get up and go back to the village for the night. All these thoughts despite the gravity pulling you to Noa. It wasn’t meant to be this evening, Noa must have figured the same and stood beside you. He was fast with his actions, holding a hand out before you even garnered enough energy to get your legs moving. You looked at it right in front of your face, admiring the longevity of his fingers for a split second too long.

With a surge of unfamiliarity resting in your stomach, you granted permission and a few seconds later you were holding onto his grasp and he was hoisting you up with ease like you weighed nothing more than a little leaf. Staggering once your feet planted on the ground, you were oblivious to your hand adjusting itself away from Noa to grasp at his forearm to garner you some balance. You were closer than you had been in quite some time, nearly chest to chest as he could have very easily poured himself right over you. But, as soon as brisk contact was made, it was lost and you felt your hands momentarily reaching to bring it back as he had been the one to move, now a few paces ahead of you, leading the way back. You followed obediently, not even beckoned.

‘Talk tomorrow?’ Noa signed at you once in visible light from the many spires of fire around the village. You traced his hands with your eyes and nodded wordlessly, feeling a sense of vibration hit your senses. You were either really tired or really wired. You had a feeling it was the latter, only accelerated by the way that Noa was staring at you. Deep in thought it looked like his green and golden orbs were hiding behind the dilation of his pupils. Your confirmation made him swell a bit, his chest broadening at the idea of seeing you in just a few hours time. There was a silence that fell around the two of you. There was no one else around, well… Noa tilted his head and peered into your nest for a split second before quizzically looking around. There was no one at the creek, but now the idea hit him. You could invite him in, you could ask him to stay, you could…. How he’d love to fall inside with you. He opened his mouth to speak, “I---.”

“Do you want to come inside?” You asked gently to him, your voice wrapping him in chaos. You… Wanted him to come in? Maybe, you were just being polite. He knew that from time to time you did things that made you uncomfortable for the comfort of others, Noa recognized it well because he was the same way. Or was it… having read the look on his face and recognizing he must have processed your words from earlier, he now had questions he wanted answers and wouldn’t sleep well unless getting instant gratification?

He hoped he wasn’t that easy for you to read otherwise the conversation pieces in the future he wanted to delve into were going to give away a lot of his inner thoughts. Admittedly though, you were on the same boat and wanted to give him his answers which spurred you to invite him to join you. In your personal space. Alone. With… Just… Noa… The back of your head zinged. Your ears felt prickly, your feet felt heavy, your breathing picked up but oddly enough, your lungs felt like they were full of water.

You couldn’t stop now though- Your eyes watched as he shifted himself onto all fours and he settled himself inside of the small hut you had made your home. Wordless, but just as graceful with his body as he always had been.

●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●・●・○・ Tag list: ( tumblr i am begging you please tag these correctly or i will cry ) @ohwaitimthewriter @hera-annwn @saturnnie-03 @filliandkili

@hadesbabygurl @supergoat12 @moonchild1433

@kaenalsha @unsteady-bitch @whamsworld

@yummyfanta @nuhteyam @babylockley @edynmeyer1 @callsignwidow

[ridl]

Gen question what made u ship ganqing so much?

Great question! Prepare for an essay tho hhhh

I played Genshin at launch but got bored quickly and stopped before I even met Keqing or Ganyu. I learned abt their existence thru fanfics, while looking for some wlw fiction to read. “Cornerstone” in particular is a fantastic fic that was being updated at the time. The author put a lot of care and effort into treating those characters seriously, and fleshing them and their dynamic out, which the game generally fails at.

Their dynamic just instantly captivated me. The way they went from being at odds, with their clashing beliefs, to reaching a mutual understanding. To caring abt each other. And it was never just pure hate, but something much more complicated and nuanced.

Back then it was just voicelines abt each other, and both characters had barely any screentime in general, but it was interesting enough of a basis. I started playing again, missed Ganyu's og banner but was lucky to win my 50/50 on Keqing's once-in-a-lifetime limited banner lmao. And the more I learned about them, the more I liked them.

I not only love ganqing, but I also love both characters individually, their personality, story, design, gameplay, they somehow just have everything that’s interesting and appeals to me.

Keqing is the Yuheng of the Qixing, meaning one of the leaders of the country, approved by Rex Lapis. She’s very pro humanity and believes that humans should fare for themselves, rather than rely on the archon. Not many ppl dare to think this, much less say it to Morax's dragon-adeptus face during the rite of descension. So she’s seen as controversial and disrespectful, and Ganyu as a devoted follower who worked closely with Rex Lapis for thousands of years just doesn’t understand Keqing. Rex Lapis absolutely approves of Keqing’s belief, and Ganyu cannot comprehend it no matter how much she respects and trusts him. It’s a very interesting conflict, that eventually gets resolved, giving us the basis of their potential romantic relationship.

Keqing and Ganyu are both very devoted to Liyue, so they’re both similar but also different. They complement each other. Keqing with her modern approach, quick and efficient, straightforward and bold. Ganyu with her old approach, with her opinions and strength hidden, not very straightforward. A confident human who knows what she’s about, and half-qilin that feels lost between the two worlds. But after Morax’s passing, they manage to find understanding, they go thru character development now just in terms of their relationship, but also them individually, and in relation to Morax. They can change each other too. They can learn so much together, from each other. Keqing how to be more patient and deal with uncertainities, while Ganyu how to be bolder, voice her opinions more and just live more for herself.

Ganyu is no longer bound by her contract, but she remains with the humans. She’s working alongside Keqing, in this new human era of Liyue. And while their limited screentime is locked behind time-limited events, it really shows that change, it shows how they care about each other. It shows Keqing’s relations with the adepti and how interesting it is considering her beliefs, and especially with Ganyu’s mother figure.

You could technically just sum them up in popular tropes like “enemies to friends to lovers”, "mortal x immortal" or “opposites attract”, but I think it’s so much deeper than that. I find ganqing's relationship very interesting and unique bc of their personalities, relations with each other and other ppl as well as their country, the setting, their stories, their identities, the conflict and character development they go through.

The game only gives us crumbs, but it also gives so much space and potential for this pairing. It’s never fully explained how it all changed between Ganyu’s voiceline how she started understanding Keqing a little, and their interactions in moonchase/lantern rites, where they’re clearly on very good terms. But I think that’s fine. It gives us freedom to truly flesh them out. Genshin’s storytelling is pretty crappy in the first place lol, so I think it’s cool to just take the interesting ideas, and make something much greater out of it.

And if you’re interested, ganqing related links:

Some fic recs (limited to canon setting): - (Chuminder has written 4 fics that are technically seperate, but they work very well as a series so i recommend this order) Blue the Color of a Goodnight, Cornerstone, Taproot, Passage - Heartbeat of the world - In the wake of - She, with the scent of flowers and lightning - A Better, Brighter Light

My chaotic compilation of bigger and smaller crumbs, including some stuff abt those characters individually:

It’s just things I find interesting, or that could be used in describing their dynamic and relationship, or just official images. They’re underrated characters, both by the fandom and the game itself imo.

Also an excellent thread, with similar idea and better screenshots (lol) i saw on twitter: https://twitter.com/gqlovebot/status/1672183539973111808

[dayz-ina-daze]

Spotty, may i ask for some of your HareCrow thoughts/ideas/aus? 👀

YES YES YOU MAY

Be warned: it is LONG, I kind of got carried away lmao

In the early of Hare, Kestrel, Heather, and Breeze, Crowfeather was never really… around. He still aligned himself and his loyalties with WindClan, but he would skulk along the borders, rarely would return to camp unless under specific orders, and generally just kind of acted as this almost “ghost” of WindClan’s territories, because he was so deep in his own head about what a screw up he is and how he couldn’t make and save his relationships. So these four apprentices grew up hearing about Crowfeather more than actually seeing him — including Breezepawpelt

For some reason I ALWAYS thought that Crowfeather was mentored by Tornear?? Who was also Harestar’s mentor. It turns out that Crowfeather was actually mentored by Mudclaw, but even still CrowHare are connected by their mentors being littermates, which I think is really cool. Harestar probably grew up hearing about Mudclaw a lot, especially since I also headcanon Onestar being his father, which probably made him all the more curious about Crowfeather, who was Mudclaw’s last apprentice

So Harestar has always been curious about Crowfeather. He was never especially close with any of the apprentices of his generation, which led him to feel isolated. He was also the weakest of his generation, both in terms of skill and fortitude, so he really only had the stories (and drama) of WindClan’s past and all the tales shrouding Crowfeather to keep him company and occupy his thoughts when he wasn’t riddled with anxiety

Crowfeather never really thought anything of Harestar. Ever. He wasn’t around a whole lot, anyway, and most of his attention when he was around was fixed on himself, Nightcloud, or Breezepelt. He only started to pay him attention once he was Harespring, after the war with the Dark Forest, and it was announced that he and Breezepelt trained in the Dark Forest

At which point, Harespring was the equivalent of like… 26, and Crowfeather would maybe be in his mid-40s?

Even then, Crowfeather didn’t pay a whole lot of attention to him — until Harespring became deputy over him, and he was incensed. Started trying to figure it out in his head, why he hadn’t been picked, since he was arguably less of a traitor than Harespring. And Harespring, for all his faults and soft spoken nature, was not oblivious; he saw the conflict within “WindClan’s Dark Ghost”, steeled himself, and approached him

Their relationship during that point, with them getting to know one another, was very rocky. It was mostly Harespring approaching, Crowfeather being broody and only responding with short, clipped sentences to any of the younger tom’s questions, Harespring getting anxious, and then one of them leaving. But Harespring always dug in his heels and returned to his side, using it not only as an exercise to build up his own confidence and resolve, but also to finally get close to the cat he’d always heard so much about. Crowfeather was like a celebrity in his eyes… Or, perhaps more accurately, a cryptid

Mothman Crowfeather

Meanwhile Crowfeather was mostly annoyed… but also touched by Harespring’s persistence. Harespring displayed Feathertail’s kind, open heart, and Leafpool’s patience and stubbornness: two qualities that he had found himself to love in others, but were so scarcely offered to him. It was why he ever found himself infatuated with those two in the first place; he never loved either of them (that knowledge alone haunts him), but he was drawn by their soft, kind qualities that no one had ever shown him beforehand. And despite Harespring’s skittish nature, Crowfeather found himself drawn to him for those traits… as well as the fact that they both had pasts that they weren’t proud of and would rather forget

When Harespring became Harestar, this time, Crowfeather hadn’t been expecting the deputy position to be handed to him. There were several other qualified cats in the Clan that he, himself, would have chosen as Harestar’s first deputy to help build up his confidence and self-assurance, and when he was picked, Crowfeather (alongside most of WindClan) was stunned.

He confronted him about it later, barging into the leader’s den where Harestar looked so small, and so alone. Harestar merely sat and listened for a long time, quiet as Crowfeather ranted, and Crowfeather was struck by the sensation that he hated Harestar’s silence and missed the sound of his voice. When he finally did speak, it was only to say: “I chose you because I trust you. It’s… probably not true, but I like to think I know you better than much of WindClan… Maybe better than anyone in the Clans. You have your dark regrets, but those only serve to encourage you to do better. You have things that haunt you, but so do I. So… I just want to make it clear that I think that we can move on from those things. Both of us. … Maybe, even together.”

That was the moment that Crowfeather realized that he was forming feelings for his leader.

On Crowfeather’s end, there was a lot of confusion, and even some guilt and fear around his feelings. All of those that he held dear in his life died, left him, or seemed to be “cursed” due to him. He didn’t want that for Harestar, who was still so young and with so much promise as he continued to grow into a cat and leader that WindClan (and Crowfeather himself) could be proud of. He wanted Harestar to remain who he was: that stubborn, patient, sweet cat whose eyes always seemed to linger where they shouldn’t, if only for a heartbeat or two.

Meanwhile, Harestar had… kind of always had feelings for Crowfeather. Not necessarily romantic ones, at first, but he had always felt drawn to him, wanted to listen to him, was in awe of how so much weighed down his shoulders, yet didn’t restrict him from keeping his head as high as he dared to raise it under the attention and judgement of so many. He respected him, envied him, even, maybe even idolized him a little just for the fact that he had made so many mistakes but still could move past them.

From then on, they continued to grow closer.

It was very slow, very gradual. Neither of them were exactly willing to sit down and analyze their own feelings, so they just… Didn’t, and kept going about their days. By day, leading together, growing together, and by night, talking together, and resting together. They learned to laugh together and feel a sort of easy softness, a lack of pressure, that neither had ever felt with anyone beforehand.

I don’t know how, but I really like to think that they became “official” mates, like… On accident hsjdhfn,, Or like, they were the LAST ones to call each other “mate”, meanwhile the rest of their Clan watched them sneak around and giggle together and make crappy jokes and were like: “yep, there go our leader and deputy, they’re Very gay”. Maybe the two never even use the word “mate” to describe one another, they’re just… in love, and it’s gentle and slow and with no pressure or expectation. They just… exist with one another.

They just are.

[solar-halos]

sorry i’m gonna talk some more about annie/johanna

first of all, i just think finnick and johanna would be so different as partners. finnick and annie give me the vibe as that one tweet that’s like “i don’t have any morals or opinions if a woman says something is right then it is” “um well maybe you should have morals and opinions” “you’re right i should”

in all seriousness, i think that even when they do fight finnick doesn’t even yell and he’s insanely good at communicating / compromising, which would be good skills for the capitol but also i think he’s just not a very intense person in the first place and that he HATES conflict. and then this is also based on my hcs of annie, but i imagine that she cannot handle conflict well and she struggles to compromise on something even she agrees with the compromise just bc she’s so pissed off, and that johanna is the exact same way. so when she and johanna fight, they fight. like we already know that johanna will say anything even if it upsets everyone (and she canonically did upset annie into having a flashback of some sort) so i think whenever they argue it’s a days long affair and that they only rlly try to figure out how to be more healthy about it when odesta’s son is like “ma where’s johanna i wanna see her” and since annie’s not gonna fill him in on all the tea she’s like “hm. we’re gonna have to work something out”

also it’s really interesting to think about johanna being more sensitive. i think there’s a fine line between censoring her thoughts (“it’s part of my therapy!” she ate) and just being more careful about saying things that are going to trigger annie, and that’s a balance johanna is going to try so hard to figure out. and it’s probably gonna be rlly hard bc when was the last time she had to figure something out for someone she cares abt, and when was the last time she had the luxury to care about someone, and will annie leave her if she messes up but it’s genuinely just a mistake and she’s consistently trying?

i do think that’s all gonna be resolved before they’re an actual couple, which is also something i wanted to talk abt. pre-canon i imagine they met at johanna’s victory tour and johanna lowkey had a small crush on her but also johanna has had a small crush on everybody at one point in time (in a “to cure the boredom” way lmao) so she doesn’t rlly think too much of it. just that when annie laughs it makes her wanna laugh too. and that when annie makes jokes johanna is like “why isn’t anyone laughing she’s literally a comedic genius.” i personally don’t understand this concept but sometimes when my friends enter relationships they’re like “omg i had a crush on them all throughout hs.” and they obviously don’t mean a full on consistent crush, just something that came and went in varying degrees, and i can totally see that with johanna. but also being a mentor + the quell + her morphling addiction + finnick’s death probably wouldn’t have given her much time to rlly think about it, so she doesn’t rlly realize how bad she has it until the war is over and they’re raising odesta’s kid

speaking of odesta’s kid! as soon as he’s born she immediately loves + wants to protect him + gets sick at the thought of never seeing him again and she’s just like “it’s just bc he’s a baby everyone feels that way abt babies.” which true but she also co-parents without any hesitation and when annie is like “i don’t want u to feel pressured to take care of him just bc we’re living together” johanna is like what the fuck are you talking about

oh and also i think annie is fully capable of being insensitive to johanna’s needs too, so it’s a two way street. like with her morphling addiction in particular, annie would probably continually ask her why she can’t just stop and johanna is so fed up with having to explain that it doesn’t work that way but they work thru it obviously

i think this is it. tbh this was more like an outline of how their relationship would work than actual hcs but i think there’s something beautiful about johanna learning how to be more loving and gentle without losing her bite. like she’ll still bully annie but she’d do it so lovingly and without actually hurting any feelings

oh i guess one more thing that’s not rlly a hc or anything just something silly i’ve been fretting abt: what if johanna and annie get together and they love each other soso much and then finnick shows up like “actually i lived and i’ve been finding my way to u all this time!!” like omg what would happen? my knee jerk reaction is odesta pt 2 but if i think abt it for more than a second it’s like. wow. annie and johanna went thru all these trials and tribulations and have grown into each other and made each other their home so it would be so fucked up if annie just fuckin left 😭😭 also annie and finnick wouldn’t be on the same pg anymore so if they even had a chance of getting back together they’d have to refamiliarize themselves w each other

but again that’s a silly worry bc if finnick hasnt returned in years he’s obviously not gonna show up when annie and johanna are happy and healthy and in love. that would be terrible timing and also this hinges on the fact that he most definitely didn’t get blown the fuck up when he obviously did. anyway i’m actually done now

[withgreatpowercomesmyfuckingdick]

GENESIS CHAPTER!!! YESSSSSSS MY BOYY

Genesis is a hate-reader 🍷 Canon to me. I'm also glad you give him time to shine as a strategist, like, he IS a caster and one of the most proficient SOLDIERs in existence 💅stands to reason he does have to think things through on the battlefield and this isn't addressed nearly enough imo.

Zack "I'm not traumatized 😀" Fair is breaking my heart here. Both Cloud and Zack get to miraculously be together after losing the other, but the fear is fresh in Zack's mind. And unfortunately due to the rapidly developing situation (SCREAMS) he doesn't really have time to process and address it, and that's assuming he isn't avoiding doing so like the plague because Cloud's alive so everything's fine now right? 😀 Except it's super not and now Zack is the only one who really knows how not fine it is 💔

Speaking of not addressing emotions lol Angeal is in full repression mode and Sephiroth is isolatinggg 😬 I know how easy it is to withdraw when you're used to not having anyone there for you, when you have to figure out and manage everything yourself regardless of how unequipped you are for the task, but I also feel for Genesis here because it really does take a lot of work to gently coax people out of that over and over again. I like how you're addressing this in general, but especially from this pov! I really feel Genesis' frustration here. He knows it would get better if Seph just came home 😥

I really enjoyed the intel gathering scene with Bolin 👌👌👌 You're really serving up top shelf Genesis in this chapter and it's delightful to watch! But Camp 28 is stressing me tf out agagshshshshs Zack is somewhat reassured for now but even Kenny is worried about Cloud's lack of self preservation (physically and emotionally damn) and he doesn't even know how bad of a situation they're walking into! Though no one really knows and that's kind of the problem, but I love Kenny and I want him to survive this 😭 He needs to survive so he can be brave and trust Juvie with the kids!

Speaking of kids, CLAUDIA IS SO PRECIOUS I CANT 💕 I'm as bad as Vincent at this point. Claudia deserves the world (and she doesn't even exist anymore.. I will never be ok again 🫠)

I'm a little worried about whatever Genesis has planned to address the Camp 28 situation, because, well, it's Genesis lol but at the same time I love his constant rebellion against being told "no" 💅

Thanks for the amazing chapter!!!! Time to reread the whole thing again to distract myself from the incredible suspense of what's to come 😁🍿

HI HI HI THANKS FOR LEAVING ME THIS TO WAKE UP TO!!!

Genesis being a strategist just makes sense to me. Like. The man led a rebellion against Shinra that turned into a straight up war, waged it for a decent amount of time, and managed to not immediately get eradicated. That in itself says the man’s got SOME brains on him lol

Yeahhh Zack’s still in the “just happy Spike’s here” stage and honestly doesn’t even realize what he’s doing. The weight of carrying Cloud’s secret is kinda trumping his own emotions in importance, which miiiiiight not be good :/

It’s kind of sad when, to an extent, Genesis is being the most emotionally intelligent among them. I mean. Seriously. Genesis? Same guy that thought talking Sephiroth into insanity would make the dude help heal him? Yeah if he’s the smartest emotionally everyone needs some DIRE help.

But also guess what conflict is going to be resolved next chapter because I like making Seph suffer but not THAT damn much? Angeal’s repression might take a bit longer but gimme a second there’s five character arcs going on at once 😂

Camp 28 is, if you guys didn’t notice, another parade situation, except I’m dragging it out for effect LMAO. It obviously isn’t exactly the same but…well, you’ll see ;) Kenny’s just trying to look out for a buddy :( Cloud’s doing the same thing, just like…way more risky and possibly self destructive. Immortality went RIGHT to his head IMMEDIATELY

Cloud says it’s his daughter but that’s OUR DAUGHTER!!!

And like you said lmao—

Sephiroth: Genesis, no

Genesis: is that a fucking challenge

Nah seriously like, Genesis and ‘letting that slide’ don’t go in a sentence together. it’s just

Genesis, squinting at Camp 28: I don’t know what the fuck’s going on but TRUST you will be dealt with

Feel AWFUL for leaving this answer to you in my drafts for like…for fucking ever 😭 But thanks for leaving me this lovely!!! Always encouraging to read a lil smth from you 🖤🖤🖤

[wonjns]

helloo idk if you are the type of writer to do this but seeing how youve been posting ffs' since a while back now this makes me want to ask you hehe (cause of experience?)

so uh how do you plan out stories? like as a person myself ive never really find male reader stories that is in my style so i decided to make stories myself TT

i specifically want stories that are heavy in angst (thats why i said in the beginning if you are the correct writer for this). how are you able to plan out angsty stories? how long do you plan to write the introduction and when is a good time for the introduction to shift to the other parts? and when is the perfect time for the climax of the story?

you don't have to answer fully detailed if you don't really get what I mean TT but if you are able to include some few general tips then I'd appreciate that <3

and also sorry if this is kinda weird and time-consuming to ask 🥹🤞🏻

awhh hey there!! i feel so honored that you felt i was worthy to ask this LOL. im so happy to hear we’ll have another writing joining the ranks <3

im so sorry if i disappoint, but i rarely plan things out,, which is actually rlly bad if you plan on taking writing a little more seriously 😭

i’m not the best with the angst at all, i think i’ve only written it like once/twice and it was kinda bad each time — but i would say in terms of planning it out you would want to begin with identifying an inciting incident!! aka, figure out what you’d want your pain “problem/conflict” of the fic to be, and then decide how you want to introduce that problem, if that makes sense.

if we’re talking about timing, i would say my average fic follows a movie’s structure. i believe stories overall are received best when you use what i guess i call the “sandwich method” LMAO,, which is:

fluff > introduction of conflict > actual conflict > resolution > fluff

basically meaning i usually start my stories (the few that have plot 😭) off with good vibes, and then descend into the root of the issue, and then once your reader/character resolves the issue, it obviously ends in a happy ending lol.

however, every writer is different and every story is different which is what makes it so much fun!! considering you really like angst, you could start your story MID-conflict to be honest, which actually grabs the average reader’s attention much more often. whereas the climax of the story usually takes place near the ending. you could also explore sad endings!!

im not the most qualified to give this advice but i figured i’d just share my thought process a little bit!! i’ll have been writing for a year come the end of this month so i’m still pretty new & have lots to learn!!!

if anyone has any beneficial advice for our friend pls drop some comments :)) i wish you the best of luck writing and hope you fall in love with it <33

[butwhatifidothis]

What don't you like about Manuela's A support with Edelgard?

I don't strictly dislike the support (though there are some parts I do in fact not like about it), but when I "ass-sucking" I meant more that Manuela is sucking Edelgard's ass for a good bit of it lmao. To go a bit into what I think about the support-

This is the only place ever, in the entire game, that Edelgard acknowledges the possibility of the Church having anything good about it, and she says it to a believer. Literally everywhere else - and I do mean, literally everywhere else - she has nothing but negative things to say about the Church. So it doesn't really come off as her actually acknowledging anything good the Church has done, but more her trying to play up to Manuela's beliefs. I doubt that was the intention, but that's just how it ends up coming across to me given how Edelgard acts and talks like regarding the Church in every single other instance. This also isn't exactly helped by the fact that it's through Hanneman and Manuela's paired ending that the Church becomes under Edelgard's domain entirely, which very well could just be a coincidence but certainly doesn't send me good vibes when thinking about exactly what Edelgard thinks the Church is good for, if you catch my drift.

Even being generous and leaving that more speculative feeling about the support behind - Edelgard acknowledges the good of the Church, never once actually proves what she thinks is bad about it, and in the same breath says that she can't overlook the bad she says is there with no proof just because the tangible, visible good is there. She is being blatantly willfully ignorant, refusing to acknowledge what is it she's doing because she has to be right about how horrible the Church is.

Edelgard then says that she's conflicted about destroying believers like Manuela's emotional and spiritual support. She still very much does not give a shit to the believers who, in her (derogatory) words, "leav[e] everything in the hands of a higher power." She only cares about believers who are strong like Manuela, not like the ones who believe in ways different from Manuela - the """weak""" believers who actually believe the goddess will come help them aren't a blip in her radar.

Those two things I don't dislike too much - it's a good showcasing of Edelgard's flaws imo. Yeah, she's willfully ignorant, and yeah she's pretty uncaring about the weak - this support ties up those two things about her pretty well. What I don't like about it is Manuela's response to that.

She just kinda... doesn't give a shit about the believers who aren't like her either. "The goddess is our silent foundation" and if that foundation is completely uprooted and destroyed because Edelgard destroyed the Church? Nothing. "It takes strength to do what you're doing" oh you mean killing innocent people? And again, destroying people's religion? Well, fuck, sure, I guess (in Claude's words) it does take a certain """resolve""" to pull that kind of shit, but I don't think it's something exactly worthy of praise ffs.

And then Manuela says that because of that strength of Edelgard's, she's an inspiration, she's the ~reason some people get out of bed in the morning~, Edelgard gives Manuela emotional support like the goddess does, and it's. Like. That's what I mean by this support being ass-sucking.

Like, on one hand I do still like this part of the support just because it builds onto the idea of Edelgard setting herself up as a new godly figure for the people of Fodlan to follow, which is an idea that gets cropped up a good few times in 3H. And going back to how Manuela and Hanneman's paired ending has Edelgard be in charge of the Church, the idea that followers are starting to see Edelgard the same way they saw the goddess - a being that pushes them forward and that is to be inspirational in their strength - holds hands very nicely with the idea that Edelgard is making herself a god in her own right. She's not strictly immortal, but she's viewed in the exact same way by her people otherwise, and Manuela propelling that concept forward isn't completely unappreciated.

But, like, fuck dude. It sure is convenient that the one believer Edelgard talks to about religion, that believer happens to be the exact kind of believer that aligns perfectly with Edelgard. Manuela is a good believer who is strong, not like those other believers who ~rely on the goddess.~ I'm conflicted because yes, I like the propelling of ideas Manuela does, but I also would've liked to see how Edelgard would've reacted to Manuela showing more empathy to believers who aren't like herself.

I think it would've been interesting to see what would happen if Manuela had told Edelgard some shit like "you know, it might do you some good to think about why you only care about hurting believers 'like me,' dear. The believers who, oh, what did you say? 'Leave everything in the hands of a higher power'? They're people too. You had better be sure you know what you're doing before you hurt them more than you already have." Like, just a little pushback? Just a smidge? Please?

[seasononesam]

thoughts on sam's relationship with john. i hold your opinion very high like i need to know what you think ab sam and john. s1 sam compared to lebanon sam crying when john came back to life. THOUGHTS

SORRY I know you sent this a couple of days ago and I'm just replying now I am the worst at responding to things but anyway here we go...

omg that's very kind of you to say! I really don't know where to start, this show is so expansive, especially when you start getting into the lore (tm) of john's journal and the comics and tie in novels so I feel like you could easily write an entire essay on just their relationship, not even getting into how it relates to john's relationship with dean, mary, ect. I guess I'd start by saying that while I think it's important to recognize john as a complex character and I feel like the fandom often reduces him to a very one dimensional villain, he was an abusive and neglectful father so his relationship to sam is going to be heavily based in that fact. so saying that this is probably gonna be all over the place bc I it's late here and I am not the most eloquent person and while I've seen season one a few times I have seen lebanon only once lmao.

john's view of sam feels kind of contradictory to me in a lot of ways, because he seems to know there is something "different" and possibly "bad" about sam, while also prioritizing his protection at all costs. and that is what drives so much of the conflict between them, bc sam rebels against john's very strict ideas of how he should behave (I think there was a passage in his journal about how sam rebels by acting "normal," which is abnormal in their family context). obviously this role of protector is forced on dean, which complicates the family dynamic even more since dean is often in the position of acting like a parent. so I feel like john has a lot of complicated feelings about sam, where he is terrified of losing him, but also OF him, and maybe even blames him for mary's death in a way?

getting into what we actually see on the show, john is such an interesting character in season 1 bc you don't really see him much if that makes sense. like obviously he is in the first scene of the show, but he doesn't appear again until mid season iirc and there's always this general feeling of him looming over sam and dean and how him telling sam to leave if he wanted to go to college is still holding tension in the family even 3-4 years later. but we also know that john still watched sam at stanford, which gets even more into the idea of john as a god like, all knowing figure, and also gets in to sam being surveilled and under scrutiny for so much of his life.

then we finally see john and sam interact and of course they start fighting, bc this tension has been building all season. and before it can really even be resolved john dies, and sam is left with all this grief and guilt. and not to get into my own daddy issues lmao but I think like a lot of people who are abused by a parent, sam has also a very complicated view of his father. unlike dean, sam remembers nothing about a life before mary died, he doesn't know a john who isn't on this revenge quest (not saying dean was better off bc of it, obviously a four year old isn't gonna remember a ton either). this is the world he has always known. I think he wants to love and understand his father but can't square that with how john treats him and dean. and I think sam blames himself for always being angry at his father (even if it was justified) especially after he dies. so when he comes back in season 14, even for a moment, he can't bear to really sort out his complicated feelings, he just wants to show that he loves him despite it all: "I mean, when I think about you… and I think about you a lot… I don’t think about our – our fights. I think about you… I think about you on the floor of that hospital. And I think about how I never got to say goodbye."

I guess to sum everything up and give a TLDR, it's about the parallels for me...like gabriel says in changing channels, about how sam rebels against his fathers wishes, how john is god, how everything is connected, how dean and sam have such different coping mechanisms and responses to how they were raised. idk I feel like this is just word vomit but I hope it makes SOME sense and if you have your own thoughts about sam and john and their dynamic I'd love to hear it!

[rewordthis]

If Love Unravels…

☔️

463 words SuguSato NSFW (and angst! Take it or leave it.)

Summary:

Geto Suguru never spiralled enough to turn himself into an outcast from the Jujutsu World.

What his internalised conflict brought about however, was a drastic change in his character…

The suppressed hate and desperation from feeling trapped made him volatile and often found release in covert yet vicious outbursts, most notably against the one person he trusted the most but also blamed the most.

The one that acted as a chain and a root to this twisted, cursed world—

Hello, sweeties~ I come bringing yet another 🔞 fic. I mean idk, I was minding my own business watching K-pop vids and then it hit me: “He pulls off his hat and runs a hand through luscious black hair.”

Like… that’s it. That’s what this whole fic is about! That one line. Go figure, ok? And no, I don’t feel one bit sorry for making Geto like *gestures vaguely* this... I’m not on that ship. lmao

They have just arrived home from their evening missions and all they both crave right now is a hot bath and a light dinner before going to sleep.

But he is irritated for some inexplicable reason. He just can’t relax. He pulls off his hat and runs a hand through luscious black hair.

It never registers with him how much overwhelming his aura has become, filling the room with anxious energy.

The other is just following his every move, engrossed in his very presence. Captive of the sensations these hands have left on his skin that suddenly feels too hot to bear and yet, frozen in his place with unreasonable fear.

Whatever has put him on the offensive, is going to be resolved one way…

And that is what terrifies him.

They have done this enough times until now for him to know that whenever the raven-head was in this state, it would become unbearable if he didn’t outer his anger. The fact that most of his piled up frustrations came from various times and incidents was making things worse, sending him over the edge with one wrong touch — one wrong word — like throwing a lit match in a tank full of gasoline.

And next thing he knows, is the cold of the surface he’s being pushed against or the hardness that grinds his bones when he’s finally snapped.

He knows the roughness that he is. The hard yanks and angry thrusts. The heat of his possessive marking.

The sickness of overstimulation…

He fucks him raw on the spot where he stands the minute he loses control of himself. And there is never — never — an apology that follows. A reason to justify his desecration. Just anything, to make him feel like this all is worthwhile.

There is… nothing—

That’s not to say he’s never been treated with delicacy and tenderness. He has. He’s found himself lost in his arms more times than he’d like to admit; warmth blooming under the chaste kisses and traces of his digits ghosting along the lines of his body. Their heated breaths mingled into whispered sweet words. Playful licks and soft bites. Long-lasting embraces and contented smiles.

He’s been a happy man.

Yes.

Yes. For a while now.

But every added time they do it like this, has him wondering whether he’s being used as a punch sack or if it’s just his imagination.

It hurts. And it’s not just his body or his pride. It hits someplace different. Deeper. Somewhere that would make him feel disgusted and sick in his stomach.

It’s not a feeling of being fed up with it, rather, it’s the sensation of emptiness that has his guts turn and makes him retch.

‘If love can unravel… it is while waiting for your return.’

———•———

a.n.:

Thanks for reading this far!!!

This is ridiculous, actually… had this siting in my notes since last year; probably from September or October — definitely before mid-November — inspired by this K-pop live short I saw on YouTube ‘cause welp… *bonks herself on head* started it with a specific pair in mind when suddenly halfway through I was writing for another!? lmao

So yeah… I liked how it turned out but I couldn’t really appoint it to any of my ships because the dynamics ended up a bit distorted…? Or more like all over the place! Yeah… ahahaha 😅😂

I mean it’s literally this one single line that sparked this short, that is also the only thing that kept my hands from tagging with any of the ships I drew inspiration from… 😗🤨 And oh, boy! After reading it it was screaming yet another one, too!? Gah!

Ngl, I short-circuited my brain many times thinking about a black haired seme and an uke that could fit the bill but nothing came to mind… 😮‍💨🙄 (ironically, also why this survived my writing app fiasco. Well, I don’t want to dwell on that anymore sooo, I just guess it sat in my notes long enough!)

But, hey! After a year — literally this week — Geto and Gojo popped up in my head and while I first went ‘Nooo!’, they did sound so good for this! I mean Gojo is so going to be this quietly suffering mess not because of character but because this is Suguru? Pff! I can see it so clearly, now! And Geto of course would exploit Satoru’s secrecy for his sake and neither would face the issue until they both become unable to face each other, like… Don’t you think so, too? I’d like to hear any thoughts on this, I’m very curious. hoho

Again, if you read through all this long-ass rambling, thank you so so much and I hope you had a nice time reading this story! 😊

[raitobie]

Follow up question lol

You said, and I quote, "my presence in the Death Note universe just shifts where and when the note drops and Light isn’t the one to see it and pick it up or something", so does that mean the Death Note still exists in your AU? And if it's a yes, does that influence your story? Like, I don't know, if maybe Light takes an interest into the whole thing or if it's just a background matter, because you said you fell first for his humanity, so I suppose he still possess a care for human beings as whole.

P.S. About the other question, you basically answered to that, because I wanted to know if Light finds the Death Note, and if he does, if he tells you or if you find out on your own and if you try to change his mind lmao

But now that I think about it, hypothetically, if that happened, how would that go down?

Sorry if I'm being too nosy and I'll soon stop asking too many questions, so that you can work on the outline in peace lmao

LMAO don’t feel bad about asking me, it makes me happy that you care enough to enquire because then I get an excuse to ramble without my character profile and introduction being done 💀

The death note and shinigami do still exist in my AU mostly because it leaves the possibility of Light being able to take on an alternate death note murder case as an aspiring or established detective, but to how it actually impacts our relationship and story, I have nothing but vague what ifs💀 I’ve liked the idea of Misa still getting her death note and murders being rampant in the industry she’s in because my s/i is a musician and could work adjacently to her being a pop idol (she’s not necessarily the main killer or catalysis for these murders taking place, but it would still be cool and probably simpler if she was).

Light may or may not have the same inner conflict of considering that killing people is a good thing for society depending on who is dying (maybe gross people in the industry who pray on or abuse younger talent or involved in rings and crimes behind the scenes) or how I influence his shift in mentality. But in a story like that, I would love to explore Light’s own sense of self and idea that he’s perfectly upright. Any story with me in it, I want Light to grow up and realize his shit stinks but he can learn and grow as a person always and THAT’S a better measurement of his worth and value.

I just could never be the one to pull this story off because I’m not a writer at all 😭 I can’t even begin to dream of starting it let alone making it cohesive and interesting lmao any “lore” serves as a foundation to my drawings which are the main content of raitobie as a ship.

Onto your other question about what a more canon compliant version would look like, I had initially figured that I feel like what Light needed most in the moments he killed his first two victims was simply comfort and external sound reasoning that he was worthy of forgiveness up to that point from a voice he trusted. And it didn’t have to define his whole character or morality because it’s just such a bizarre and improbable event to begin with.

I had thought about it being possible that I could comfort and reassure him if I pulled off the timing of how I could know and confront him about it. It has to happen before he’s resolved on killing more people though, because then there’s not much coming back from that deliberateness and it would be much more of a challenge to get him to back down. I ended up deciding against this path though, because him writing in the death note at all assures that Ryuk is obligated to kill him and I just don’t want that lmao.

In more lightheartedness, I have joked with @in-love-with-ryuk before about convincing Ryuk to let Light live out his original lifespan if she can entertain Ryuk for the rest of her life as a bargain and giving the death note to her instead after talking to Light and getting him to agree 😂 she is with Ryuk in my AU at all times now that I mention her haha so maybe that’s what it’d look like after all. She just picks it up instead and we become friends, and that’s how we all know about the death note and shinigami. It’s all just fun and imagining things to draw rather than me intending to actually write anything in full!

[toothlesshat]

A thing I love about how you write Donnie and Donatello is that it kinda highlights another difference between their families and how they grew up.

In Donatello's family, he had Raphael, Leonardo, and Master Splinter as protective figures in their lives. With or without his tech, Donatello already had a sense of security that gave him more time to create things for recreation or to improve himself. He may not have had as many resources available to him, but he had more freedom to use whatever resources he could in whatever ways he wanted. This also let him focus on chemistry so that he could create retro mutagen, getting to the source of their problems.

When you look closer at Donnie's family, he didn't have as much of the same luxury. With Leon having less responsibility and their Splinter struggling too much with depression, that left their Raph trying to carry almost all the burden of protecting their family. But even then, Raph was also struggling to juggle that weight along with guiding the team.

Donnie may have more access to resources, but he also had to step up and use them to prioritize their security more often. Between escape pods, tracking devices, panic buttons, lair security systems, apps to hack every security camera in New York, he sacrificed a lot of time helping to shoulder Raph's responsibility of keeping the family safe. And that's not even counting how many of his other inventions have additional functions to accommodate his family's needs.

Both Donnie and Donatello have something that the other struggled to obtain. It's just that Donatello's lack of resources is easier to notice because it's more tangible.

I think this is really ironic because Of Donnies and Donatellos was probably when I thought about their childhoods the least, but actually I think this ask says more about the way their childhoods play into fundamental parts of their characters. Sure, I wasn't always writing with it in mind, but I was thinking about them on the whole, and the way they were raised shapes everything, y'know?

But I did definitely consider it at times, specifically with Donatello. I know that he arguably had a very nonexistent relationship with his Splinter, but that's kind of the problem. Because almost all of Splinter's attention went to Leonardo (and sometimes Raph), Splinter didn't really encourage Donatello to mature as a person. He largely stayed out of their interpersonal conflicts, so even when Donatello was crossing boundaries with April all the time, Splinter never corrected this behavior, and Donatello never had someone of a higher, respected authority teach him. This is why he's okay with crossing Donnie's boundaries, and causes the end conflict.

For Donnie, well I didn't think it would be worth rehashing his past problems with his own Splinter because that conflict is already resolved- like way before I got to it lmao. But it still affected him in the way you pointed out because he's still trying to provide for his family after all this time.

Anyway, yeah lmao. I'd think I definitely put more thought into the childhood aspect in Of Leos and Leonardos (since I explicitly reference it multiple times lmao) but it's still prominent in these fics no matter if I call it out or not.

[wisteria-blooms]

Hii!! I recently left you a comment on AO3, but I figured I'd move over here to contact you again. I just wanted to tell you that I haven't stopped thinking about your Bill fic basically all day 😅 I've really come to appreciate it more and more as I've been mulling it over. It really feels like you had all your bases covered and everything came together in a satisfying way.

I just wanted to ask you about your process for writing it. Did you map out the plot before you started writing, or did you go chapter by chapter? Also I'm just generally interested in how you came up with some of the details if you're happy to share here or dms i dont mind? (I'm SO sorry I'm fangirling a bit here 😅 It's just your perspective on old tropes is so refreshing i feel like this is what it was like in the old days of the fandom 🤩🤩🤩)

Cue that TikTok sound: "Oh my goodness, I love this question."

Okay, so I'm happy to discuss any detail so feel free to interrogate but some of them I came up on the fly and won't be able to remember why. The idea/trope was inspired by the song 18 - Anarbor. I really took these lyrics to heart lol:

So if you wanna piss off your parents Date me to scare them Show them you're all grown up If long hair and tattoos are what attract you Baby then you're in luck

At the time, I only wrote for Fred or George, but it just wouldn't make sense y'know. Bill was older, cooler, and would be so much worse (in a good way) for the plot. I'd never written a Malfoy reader before, but the Malfoys were exceptional placeholders for the snobby, uppity family. And canonically, there's bad blood between the two families, so it was perfect.

So, going in, I only anticipated this to be a 10k one shot. That's why the first two/three chapters are so short. And then the last chapter is 8k words lol. I was trying to steer away from super long and flowery paragraphs and go for sweet and succinct but it didn't work haha.

When I started, I'd only written chapter 1, 2, and tidbits of that your-room-is-flooded scene in Nice. I knew that family dynamic was always going to be a thing, so it would have to be resolved eventually. I wanted Lucius to be the hard-hitter and cause the drama, whereas Narcissa was softer, eventually accepting the situation ("BY THE WAY, ARE YOU ON BIRTH CONTROL?"). As for Draco, I know all siblings have their rough patches, so I wanted to show that he's always had a soft spot for Y/N.

I remember just writing Chapter 4 and 5 on the fly. Like, Chapter 5 (the dinner scene) was my favourite to write/re-read. I still can't believe I wrote it because I'm not great with action, dialogue, and humour. And knowing Lucius wouldn't go down without a fight, I must've... created the move-in with Fred and George, and have Bill pull away at the same time. I think this falls in love with a typical plot, like conflict #1, resolution, conflict #2, etc... (throwback to middle school English class).

The Madame Millicent book really served no purpose initially. Then, I was like, let's have Bill find it to show that Y/N can be pervy too LMAO.

Y/N's extended family was also created near the end. I think thinking of characters as caricatures really helped me. Uncle Theo was Lucius on steroids, Genevieve and Claude as Y/N and Draco on steroids, Charlotte and Clara as wispy blonde maniac pixie dream girls, etc. It also helped show that Y/N and Draco really loved and supported each other when contrasted with other family members who actually didn't care much for them.

I'm the worst with finishing a series, and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to give this a proper ending, but people leaving sweet comments, reblogging, asking to be added to the tag list really gave me that push to write a conclusion.

But yeah, if there's anything you'd like to know, please ask!! I'm so happy you enjoyed it so much and because of people like you, I end up wanting to write more hahahaha. 💓

[fauxkaren]

My Liberation Notes - 8/10

You know, this drama was weird. And I don’t mean that in a bad way. This drama is PEAK “slice of life” so it kind of feels a little meandering and navel gazey at times. The way the show is shot and directed lends even more of a meditative feel to the show. And the end of the drama isn’t like “oh everything is resolved and wrapped up”. It’s more of a “these characters are still on a journey but they’re doing ok and will continue to move forward” ending.

Some people might find it unsatisfying because the final scenes point at a future for these characters but doesn’t actually get them there, but I think that’s because a thesis of the show is that growth happens in starts and stops. It’s not a neat progression from point A to point B on a straight line. Things happen. People regress. We interact with others people who have wills and desires of their own that might not line up with ours perfectly. But the key to satisfaction in life is to keep going- to figure out what you want and what might be keeping you from it and move towards it. Even if you stop for a while, pick it back up again and keep going.

The show centers on 3 siblings in the Yeom family who work in Seoul but live in a more countryside town on the outskirts of the city. All 3 are pretty unhappy and feeling trapped in their lives and the show follows them as they try to figure out how to liberate themselves from their current lives. There’s not a ton of overarching conflicts in the show, it really is just following these 3 siblings (and also a 4th character- a mysterious man who works in the siblings’ father’s workshop where he helps their father make custom sinks and cabinetry).

I really ended up loving the 3 siblings (the 4th main character, Mystery Man, was pretty meh to me though). They’re different and their relationships with each other are often pretty complicated. I got super invested in their lives and was really rooting for each of them to find the happiness that they were searching for.

One of the show’s weaknesses is kind of one of its strengths. The show will fairly often allude to something that happened and then never show it or never really expand on it or wait until the end of the episode to expand on it which is totally fine! The show trusts its audience to figure things out. But there are some things where like, idk, I wish that they had gone into more detail about those events that were alluded to just to add more depth to the characters. It was kind of frustrating, and also that kind of storytelling requires you to really pay attention, lmao. Which sometimes I am not great at, if I’m watching shows while also doing something else.

[vastiitas]

//this is... a very very long post- please be advised before opening that read more h a h

//looking at all my ooc posts on the tra.uma of w.ar that happened to the kid and?? There's so much to untangle bc, yknow, his respect for ana would be in how crafty and resourceful she is on top of her being a good shot resonating with how he was post-foster-system-now-a-runaway (lmao vs the kindred soul with gjdks hana bc they would have actually been asshole bffs if theyd been born in the same generation).

His time in the foster system causing him to distrust authority moreso than he already had been?? how this influences his distrust in his time in bw and how working through it to accept reyes (and potentially jack) as proper mentor figures was a genuine triumph and how it falling apart pressed open a sealed up scar and broke it open and poured in salt.

How he was always a bit of a shit-stirring troublemaker, an adrenaline-addicted hot-headed thrill seeker, and has always known violence, before doomsday happened, and the way said doomsday, after a period of reticence, raked all those qualities into these bristling burs.

How he's always been a good shot, but when j.udgment day happened, he'd FAILED; how his hands SHOOK against that handle unable to bear the desperation drumming a war beat with adrenaline (i don't think i've ever explicitly mentioned how he personally witnessed the death of his parents; that he held the key to their survival and missed and failed to save them; that there is no removing that self-blame for what happened because he had that shot). And how this spearheaded a three-pronged result of: 1) disowning his own name out of self-hatred and scorn and disgust (re: all of my blabberings on blood baptisms and burials), 2) resolving to never miss again 3) a deep-rooted instinct in protecting the weak because he REFUSES to see somebody in the same situation of vulnerability as he was put in

How, while concussed and head bearing an ugly open wound, as he watched his father be held at gunpoint by om.nics, the feeling of self-conflict arose-- how for the briefest second he thought maybe this is g.od giving the man his dues, how maybe this is what was meant to happen, (versus how he also knows that there are men and women and families running to hide in the chapel; praying for sanctuary, praying for peace, praying for safety; burning alive and screaming)

how this day is perhaps the closest thing he has ever felt to the visceral sense of g.od, in this act of violent apocalypse, being left so bare and raw.

how, in years into the future, putting away the mantel of je.sse mcc.ree was a self-apology (an acceptance of the fury that came with the grief) and how exhuming his name as cole cas.sidy was self-forgiveness.

(for everything that's happened to him, he's actually pretty stable and self-accepting these days. he can be honest to himself about the things that he did and the things that happened to him; it... doesn't burden him as much as it did when he was a younger man. he just Lives on the Razor's Edge of the Absolute Present, casually expecting death like an old friend for all the shit he stumbles into or instigates; there's an argument here that reyes took in a kid and formed him down a path that he cannot leave, but i argue that there's plenty of cassidy that would have gone down that path anyway and reyes-- reyes flipped the damn script from criminal to doing ""service""; i think he leveraged a crucial point because i don't think my depiction of cassidy would have ever been able to properly rehabilitate into a normie civilian life [granted that his sentence would have been life to super-max anyway] and i draw that from the fact that he got fired from that diner job even though i point at it and go 'haha funny.' in that sense, it's a vague j.ohnny l.awrence vibe, but also isn't. He's bound for trouble, it's deeply ingrained to his blood and bone, and the bastard thing about it is that he loves it and lives it no matter how much it also sometimes sucks.)

how these themes on killing-the-self enables him to begrudgingly forgive the false deaths of the people he trusted; because he knows self-death. how this doesn't soothe the disappointment that he's been left at the wayside, despite his bitter acceptance of it because he knows abandonment too. he does not hold it against them because even though it hurts, nothing will ever wound him in the way that that war did.

this doesn't even begin to touch?? the lil bit of chum i threw out earlier on his self-conflicts because LOYALTY is such a huge thing considering all of the canon implications that present itself with Deadlock and BW. my personal take is that deadlock fell apart on him over a mutual betrayal with end-game being that he was left to die and rot and him still there crushing the word loyalty between his hands desperately like a life-line; to this day, he will not give up Ashe or anyone else no matter how wary he is of her because he is Just as Sentimental (in the equivalent of how she still has that cute little [torn and put back together] picture she has on her bike) despite all of the little scars riddling the bridge between them. Deadlock disowned him. That said, everything's Very Complicated and he's Unfortunately a Very Self-Contradictory Man, so using Deadlock to rescue echo (who, at this point, he would have held a greater sense of doing right by), was perhaps a little act of vindictive self-satisfaction. i see their bickering in the the current ow dialogue as akin to sibling antagonism - but it sort of pains me to think that once upon a time they probably said this sort of shit to each other in genuine shoot-the-shit fashion.

[tenshindon]

i just feel like the tien episode of super could have been a great opportunity to not only include yamcha in the series as a fighter again while also tackling his feelings of inadequacy since yamcha’s been known to visit tien and he could very easily already be there when goku visits and they could join the team together, but i feel like it could’ve been a good way to also explore tien’s distinct trauma in having to watch both chiaotzu and yamcha die and be put in severe danger time and time again while he was helpless to do anything, resulting in him insisting they stay away from fights all together yk. like ‘yamcha not feeling up to par enough to join the team’ and ‘tien being so scared for yamcha’s mortality’ just perfectly dovetail into each other (not to mention their fears also enable each other; by yamcha being too afraid to fight anymore tien doesn’t have to fret so much about him doing anything dangerous) and have the potential to be resolved in an arc together