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yelenadelova · 4 years ago

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The Problem with the “Mad Woman”

I’ve seen a lot of people speculating that Wanda will become a villain by the end of WandaVision. Here is why I desperately do not want that to happen. This will get quite long so I’m including a tldr and putting the rest below the cut. But I’d really appreciate if you gave it a read if you have the time.

tldr; The “Mad Woman” trope is the trope in which women “go mad” or turn evil after acquiring a certain level of power. Many people are theorizing that Wanda will fall into this trope. This trope is damaging for many reasons. Media is excessively fixated on the suffering of women. And this trope sends the message that women cannot handle their grief and cannot manage their power the same way that men can. This trope can be extremely damaging to the girls and women who look up to these characters. I truly hope that this trope is avoided with Wanda’s story in WandaVision and beyond.

DISCLAIMER: I’ll be talking a lot about Wanda and occasionally other Marvel characters. I will only be referring to the versions of these characters that exist in the MCU. I am not knowledgeable enough on their comic origins and stories to speak on them.

One trope that I have noticed in my consumption of media over the years is the “Mad Woman”. This trope often occurs when a woman faces a huge loss and is overwhelmed by grief or faces continuous challenges and roadblocks to their goal. No matter how a character arrives their the end result is always the same. The woman “snaps” and “goes mad” committing acts of violence, lashing out, making grabs for power, betraying people she loves, etc. One famous example of this trope is the case of Daenerys Targaryen, who after facing the loss of multiple loved ones and failing to gain the acceptance of others, suddenly went mad and burned an entire city to the ground. There is speculation that we will see Wanda face a similar fate. Theories often dictate that Wanda will be so overwhelmed by losing Vision (as well as other important figures in her life such as Pietro and Natasha) that she will use her powers to lash out at others, harming anyone who gets in the way of the reality she is creating and eventually becoming a villain in the MCU who must be stopped.

Let’s get into the first reason I hate this trope. Media seems to be obsessed with the suffering of women. It’s of course not uncommon for any character to suffer greatly regardless of gender, especially in franchises like Game of Thrones or the MCU. A certain amount of pain and loss is to expected. However, when it comes to female characters their stories too often center around this pain. Female characters are more often shown being overwhelmed by their pain or being unable to move past it. Male characters are more likely to be seen soldiering through and moving on. By centering so many female storylines around this pain it gives the message that women are less capable of handling these feelings of grief.

A second reason this trope is damaging is the idea that women cannot handle their power. When a woman is given great power, political, magical, or otherwise, she is often shown as being unable to handle the weight of it. With Daenerys, this was seen in the form of her becoming “corrupt” as she gained more power in Essos and Westeros. With Wanda we see that the more she masters her powers and abilities the more she seems likely to “go mad” and use them for evil or her own selfish reasons. I have no problem with the storyline of powerful women feeling like monsters and addressing these feelings. In fact, I think it can be quite compelling. It is an interesting story to see a woman deal with the way society, and often the character herself, views her as a monster. It can lead to great character development to see these women come into their own with their power and wield it well. However the problem lies in the fact that this so rarely happens. Instead we see women being unable to handle their power. The character either becomes a victim of their own power in a way, being driven mad by it. Or they taste power and become corrupt. It establishes a precedent that tries to discourage women from any sort of ambition or power.

This trope establishes a sort of glass ceiling of powerfulness. If we look at Dr. Strange in the MCU, he wields similar magic to Wanda and is quite powerful. While he may struggle with knowing how to use his power and fighting for good he does not go mad or become a monster. This trope largely exists to keep women in check. Once a woman reaches a certain power level she goes mad. This gives off the message that women are not capable of holding the same power as men. We as women just don’t know how to handle it. If a woman manages to become extremely powerful without going mad she is often deemed “OP” or “overpowered” by the fandom, think Captain Marvel. And if a woman never accumulates this level of power she is often looked down upon by fans for not being powerful enough, think Natasha Romanoff.

I think this trope is often the result of not knowing how to write a developed female character or a storyline for them. Women often meet these fates for “shock value” and these stories are often written and produced by men. There are so many stories that can be told with these powerful women. We can see them overcoming these feelings of being a monster, struggling with their own mortality, finding love, feeling isolated, taking on a leadership or mentor role, or any number of storylines. And we do see these storylines. We see them with male characters all the time. Male characters with the same power levels as these female characters have compelling and interesting storylines not focused entirely on their inability to handle power.

While this trope may not seem like a big deal it can be extremely damaging to women and girls who look up to these characters and find solace in them. It sends the message that they cannot handle the same power levels that men can. It sends the message that they cannot handle the same levels of grief and trauma without going mad. I have seen firsthand fans of characters like Daenerys struggling with the fates these characters meet. They feel afraid that any ambition in their own lives will lead them to be rejected, outcast, and seen as mad.

When it comes to whether or not we will see Wanda’s story and development fall prey to this trope, I think the jury is still out. Much of Wanda’s storyline in the past has focused on her feeling like a monster and being overwhelmed by her powers. However, previous movies have, in my opinion, dealt with this well. We see Vision telling Wanda that he is not afraid of her and that he wishes everyone could see her the way he did. We see Wanda saying “I can’t control their fear, only my own”. I truly hope that Wanda’s story in WandaVision and beyond focuses on this idea that Wanda’s powers do not make her a monster. She is just a woman who has been through so much pain and is hurting. She needs help. She needs to heal. If she does end up “going mad” I truly hope we see a redemption arc that allows her to find peace. Her story and character can be compelling in so many ways other than madness.

In conclusion, I am so incredibly tired of the sexist “Mad Woman” trope. And I am tired of the damage it has done to the psyches of women and girls. It’s time we learn how to tell new complex and meaningful stories about these powerful women. It’s what they, and we, deserve.

#wanda maximoff #wandavision #daenerys targaryen #marvel #mcu #natasha romanoff #carol danvers #wandavision spoilers #meta #el rambles #my meta #antis dont interact #i just wrote this to sum up my feelings so i wont be fighting anyone

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unwhitewashthebadbatch · 3 years ago

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Disney Email Draft 2

(going under a cut because it's much longer. Here is the Google Doc link for anyone who would like to comment directly)

Reminder that we are encouraging critiques and comments regarding this email!

To Bob Iger, Kathleen Kennedy, Dave Filoni, Jennifer Corbett, and the creative team of Star Wars: The Bad Batch:

We hope this email finds you all well. We are fans of color, disabled fans, neurodivergent fans, and Jewish fans writing out of concern for the portrayal of our communities in the Disney+ series Star Wars: The Bad Batch. For several months now, we have been campaigning on social media to spread awareness about these concerns through #UnwhitewashTBB, a movement we began to raise awareness about the ways in which the series has poorly represented several minoritized groups of people.

Just like the creators of Star Wars: The Bad Batch, all of the creators of #UnwhitewashTBB grew up with Star Wars as the backbones of their childhoods, and for many of us, Star Wars: The Clone Wars was crucial to our development as artists, writers, creators, and lifelong Star Wars fans. We are all firm believers in the phrase “Star Wars is for everyone”, and we would like to see Disney support that message by hearing our plea.

As fans of color, as disabled fans, as neurodivergent fans, and as Jewish fans, we’ve seen ourselves on screen in both good and bad ways, but recently it has been more the latter than the former. One such reason is Star Wars: The Bad Batch, a show whose premise piqued many fans’ interest, but whose main cast has left an increasingly sour taste in the mouths of those who watched.

The series follows an elite squad of clone troopers who have named themselves The Bad Batch, due in part to their series of mutations that gives them an edge over regular clones on the battlefield. These mutations drastically altered the appearance of each of the members to a generally lighter, more Caucasian appearance--one that is inconsistent with how the original Jango Fett actor Temuera Morisson looks. Fans take issue with the implications in the writing and design of The Bad Batch: that in order to be elite, special, and better than one’s contemporaries--in order to have a story worth telling--one must also be white or as close as possible.

Merriam-Webster defines whitewashing as “to alter (something) in a way that favors, features, or caters to white people: such as to alter (an original story) by casting a white performer in a role based on a nonwhite person or fictional character” The #UnwhitewashTBB movement comes with two carrds explaining the grievances of the fans. A summary for each character is given below:

Sergeant Hunter, the leader, closely resembles Sylvester Stallone’s Rambo character, despite being a clone of a man of color. The importance of his character, the fatherliness he has with Omega, and his centrality to both their Season 7 appearance in The Clone Wars and the series itself sends the message that important people look

Wrecker is the demolitions expert, and he’s the only member of The Bad Batch with features similar to that of a Maori man’s, like Temuera Morrison/Jango Fett. He’s large with broad features, brown skin, and is a stereotype of men of color. His personality as first introduced to the audience was that of a loud, aggressive, impatient, slow man who called frequently for violence/destruction. He falls into the “Loveable Brute” trope, an observation that is supported by statements from supervising director Brad Rau and voice actor Dee Bradely Baker that Wrecker is like a little boy and has a heart of gold.

Crosshair is the sniper on the team, and he’s the most derisive of the “regs”--the regular clone troopers. Taken in conjunction with his appearance (inspired by Clint Eastwood), the various messages being sent by the writing and appearance of the other team members, and his comment about the regular troopers--the he and the Batch are superior and thus should join the Empire--his character pushes forth a message that there is superiority inherent in whitened or fully white features.

Tech, the technology specialist, has incredibly light skin and hair compared to the regular clones. His mutation made him a genius, with an IQ that outpaces that of any other clone in the Republic. Fans of color are upset that Tech’s genius mutation apparently also affected his skin color, as now this creates a direct link between intelligence and appearance/race. Contrast Tech with Wrecker, who is the exact opposite in every way, and this harm becomes only more apparent. In addition to this, many Autistic fans of The Bad Batch have noted that Tech, being “on the spectrum” (according to Dee Bradley Baker) is a popular stereotype of Autistic people: a nerdy-looking white man with a formal way of speaking who’s a genius but dismissive of others’ feelings. Baker also plays Tech with a British accent, further cementing the harmful message that intelligence is in some way connected to ethnicity.

Omega is the newest member of The Bad Batch. Despite being a pure Jango clone, she’s come out looking nothing like Boba Fett--she has lighter skin than he does, as well as blonde hair. Fans are concerned about the connection between genetic purity and light skin/blonde hair, as this is directly harmful to the people of color who don’t sport those features.

Echo is the ARC Trooper of the team, but many fans--disabled fans especially--fear that his series of disabilities have reduced him to the “droid sidekick”. Echo does not have a prosthetic, instead sporting a scomp-arm attachment that allows him to plug into computers but would otherwise hinder him greatly in daily tasks. He rarely is the focus of an episode, and the series has not given him as much attention as it has given characters like Hunter and Omega. Disabled fans worry about the lack of attention given to his medical trauma, and fans of color note that his skin color goes beyond what a brown man who’s been without sunlight for a few months would look like.

The issues do not stop here. Asian fans noticed and were harmed by a Tiananmen Square parallel in 1x10, “Common Ground”--a recreation that was led by an Eastern Asian-coded woman. Jewish fans are hurt by the antisemitic stereotype in Cid the broker, a greedy lizard woman who speaks with an accent commonly associated with New York Jews--and who is played by Jewish actress Rhea Perlman. Black fans were harmed by the whitewashing in Saw Gererra and the one other Black character in The Bad Batch being a Black woman who works for the Empire and burns civilians alive.

The full analyses can be found in the official #UnwhitewashTBB carrd: unwhitewashthebadbatch.carrd.co. We respectfully ask that you read this carrd and give a public statement in response to these criticisms.

Our movement has only gained traction since its inception on March 30th, 2021. A few months later, we wrote and released an open letter on Change.org to be signed by supporters of #UnwhitewashTBB, and every day it gains new signatures and draws nearer to the next milestone. A survey we released over a month ago has received over 1,100 responses and also continues to climb. The latter displays a range of opinions regarding The Bad Batch, but one sentiment stands out: Hunter, Crosshair, Tech, Wrecker, Omega, and Echo are written in stereotypical and actively harmful ways. Respondents were shocked at outdated portrayals of Autism, sickened by antisemitic stereotypes, and confused at how, in this current social and political climate, a family-friendly corporation like Disney could greenlight a series that sends a message that is the complete opposite of “Star Wars is for Everyone”. Some sample responses are below:

“I would just like to elaborate on the ableism aspect. As a amputee myself, I don’t like how Echo’s trauma has been ignored. The whole reason he is with the BB is because of what he went through. Losing one limb, never mind multiple, it’s extremely difficult. They made it seem like just because his prosthetic can be of use on missions, that means he isn’t grieving the loss of his actual hand. There is no healing or evolution. It also feels wrong to only address the fact that echo uses prosthetics for the sake of hacking into machinery. Prosthetics are so personal and become a real part of who you are as a person.” - Respondent 130

“...I can't believe Star Wars is still doing this, and that an entire team of animators with a huge budget can't get skin tone right. I didn't even know the clones were supposed to have a NZ Māori accent until a friend told me. That's a big deal, since I live in NZ and hear it every day…” - Respondent 209

“As someone who is neurodivergent myself, Tech and Wrecker just. sting, you know? in a “is that really what you think of us” kind of way. I grew up in an environment where intersectional equality was heavily discussed, and I can still miss things. Having Jewish friends does not mean that Cid’s antisemitic implications can’t go right over my head until someone points them out (thank you).” - Respondent 87

“As a fan of color, its irritating and painful to watch and be brushed off as "lighting issues" and see justifications made by white fans and producers...It also feels very bad to me that TCW spent 7 seasons with several arcs emphasizing that the clones were all as individual as a 'normal' person, but then undo all that with TBB, which centers a group of "special" clones (who are suspiciously white) and have them treat the "regs" as a homogeneous group who are lesser than them, and then expect us to find it within ourselves to put that aside to enjoy the MCs. The way the treat "regs" is very offputting and it made me dislike them since their introduction...Star Wars is no stranger to racist and antisemitic media, but I must say, the blantancy of Sid, a greedy lizard who essentially financially enslaves the protaganists, being Jewish-coded and being protrayed by a Jewish voice actress is really next-level even for Star Wars. As a Jewish fan, it really grates on me.” - Respondent 40

“I’m disabled and autistic, and the ableism is appalling to watch. Watching Echo be treated as subhuman for needing machinery to survive makes me feel like having implants to keep my spine from breaking itself would have me be the pitied member of any group. I am disgusted by the blatant antisemitism, as a fair number of my friends are Jewish and it hurts me to think that people can so easily hate others based on internalized stereotypes. Me and my friends have also critically analyzed the fact that, despite being clones of a character portrayed by Temuera Morrison, for some reason the bad batch look nothing like him in any way. No resemblance in any way: just a bunch of someone’s badly worked characters fraught with disgusting writing decisions and design choices that make no sense. It makes me angry to think that the writers for this show, and to an extent any modern writer, would believe that using harmful tropes to make a story is acceptable and someone brings in profit. I tried to watch it out of fact that my family likes Star Wars and we all grew up watching it, but all of these unhealthy assumptions and terrible choices in terms of writing and design leave a bitter and nauseating feeling.” - Respondent 605

In the survey, various questions were asked about fans’ feelings about The Bad Batch. Before reading the carrd, 34.7% of fans answered that writing was their least favorite aspect of the series, with the next being the main characters. Elaborations in the following free write made clear that the whitewashing and stereotypical writing were huge factors of these opinions. One a 1 to 5 satisfaction scale, 68.1% of respondents rated their satisfaction at a 3 or lower--again, due to the whitewashing and other issues respondents perceived in The Bad Batch. When asked to analyze pre-post carrd-reading feelings regarding the above issues, every category saw a marked increase in awareness of the issue at hand. The perceived prominence of the whitewashing went from 81.3% to 91.4% in respondents. The awareness of ableism jumped almost 30%, from 52.6% to 84.4%. The majority of respondents (59%) were not aware of the antisemitism in the series, but after reading the carrd, that statistic flipped to 80.5%, a near 60% increase from the original 26.7%. Regarding the other racist issues, the respondents went from 63.1% to 83.7%.

Fans of color, neurodivergent fans, disabled fans, and Jewish fans have been waiting for the day where we can see ourselves on screen a level of attention and care that makes us feel even more at home in the Star Wars community . If Disney’s message is truly family-friendly, if Star Wars is for everyone, then Disney needs to support these views with not just words, but with actions. Resolve the racism in Star Wars: The Bad Batch, take out the antisemitism, and treat your nonwhite, disabled, and neurodivergent characters--and fans--with the respect and dignity they deserve.

This will not be a benefit solely to the fans who are asking to be represented properly. In today’s time, popular media is facing a reckoning; media that is inclusive of and respectful towards minoritized groups ends up with leagues more popularity, high ratings, and good reviews than those that don’t. A recent and prominent example is Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings, a movie for which the inclusion of Asian-Americans at nearly all levels of production boosted its image and aided in its successful box office release. Black Panther is another prominent example--a movie spearheaded by Black people that completed its box office run at more than five times its initial budget in total revenue. The proper representation of people of color is a two-fold benefit.

Star Wars: The Bad Batch already has beautiful animation that reminds many longtime Star Wars: The Clone Wars fans of their childhood.

It is our hope that you will take our concerns as well as the concerns of others into account, and address the issues that we have outlined in order to better reflect the Walt Disney Company’s commitment to inclusive, diverse entertainment for audiences of all ages. Thank you for your attention to this issue.

Respectfully,

Fans of The Bad Batch

#mod CH #email #disney #star wars #the clone wars #the bad batch #unwhitewashtbb #swtbb #racism #antisemitism

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my-writings-and-musings · 4 years ago

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Hello! I don’t know if you’re still doing this prompt but how about the Oxygen Loss but with either Rung or Ratchet? I’m not sure how you would do Ratchet, maybe he’s away from the Med Bay at the time the LL is being attacked?

I've got some of my favorite bot Rung for you, and Ratchet is in part five listed below! Let's have some angst with the good phsychiatrist!

Part One: Here!

Part Two: Here!

Part Three: Here!

Part Four: Here!

Part Five: Here!

Part Six: Here!

Part Seven: Here!

Part Eight: Here!

Part Nine: Here!

Part Ten: You're Here!

Part Eleven: Here!

Part Twelve: Here!

Rung

·Perhaps being human just made one think differently from Cybertronians in the most unusual of ways, but you truly never understood how anyone could forget the lovable phsychiatrist, though you have quite a few unique reasons to remember him. While he's actually rather sociable and energetic, the two of you most often enjoy relaxing together in his office. Today you're doing just that by chatting away about the various pieces of earth media you think he'll enjoy. Whether or not he actually ends up having interest in any of them, he takes great pleasure in discussing your suggestions. Not only does it give him a better glimpse into earth and the culture of its inhabitants, but it also allows him to hear about your own tastes in entertainment, and that alone could keep his interest for days. Just hearing you talk about yourself so happily is a delight.

·Unfortunately the fun times are interrupted by an emergency broadcast, one the two of you are equally baffled to find is little more than a garble of indecipherable warnings and instructions. Before any kind of explanation can be requested, the line goes off completely, fading out to silence that doesn't even register static. Having served on many ships in the past, Rung has theories straight away as to what could be going on, and they vary from trivial to concerning. For this though, he wants to err on the side of caution. That means getting somewhere safe. If something is indeed wrong, he explains, help can always be found in a number of key locations. Considering where his room is, he knows the closest safe place is the medical bay.

·Wanting to be wary but not panicked, Rung admittedly struggles over whether or not to get moving. Though he doesn't say why, you know one of his biggest fears is being unable to protect you, something he worries he can't do being adverse to combat. A small smile of encouragement naturally lights up your features as you lay a hand on his. You promise him you trust his judgement no matter what. A look of gratitude is knocked off his face when his whole office trembles, and it's replaced entirely with a look of terror as the ship gives a mighty buck, sending your tiny body flying. An athletic dive saves you from crashing into anything, and instead you find yourself held in a pair of trembling hands when the world levels out. On his knees and quite frazzled from the jolt, the first thing Rung does is ask if you're okay, and he lets out a sigh of relief when you confirm you are.

·The incident gives him the impetus to make up his mind; the two of you are going to head for more secure territory. In agreement despite being so frazzled, you let him take the lead and try to convey just how grateful you are to have him at your side for all of this, holding onto his digits as he prepares to get moving. There's so much obvious planning in the processor behind his furrowed brows you can practically hear the metaphorical wheels turning. He wants to be ready for any possibility, so much so that he grabs his rarely used combat staff from the corner. Despite the circumstances, your heart actually flutters a little; to you he's always looked quite dashing wielding the weapon.

·There's silence when he enters the hallway at last, and it drives him to hug you to his chest in a move that comforts himself just as much as he hopes it comforts you. It certainly helps you feel secure, as the move puts you right beside his spark, one that leaves no doubt as to its status as brightest on the ship. A soft and melodic humming seems to pass straight through his chestplate at all times. Pressing against him, you let the sound soothe the tension from your much smaller body. Even if you can hardly protect him from much of anything, you hope he feels a bit safer in your company, though he's hardly struggling to move boldly through the ship. From a distance one might have even missed the light tremble in his frame.

·Scared as he might be, he's faced situations similar to this before, and came out with the knowledge that it's best to move as he is now; quickly, but quietly, so as to avoid being taken by surprise. However, he had the aid of his natural resilience to get him through past situations alive. Incredible healing abilities have always been a literal life saver, but now, the fact that only he would be saved... The thought of recovery is just as agonizing as any wound when he thinks of you not being there when the physical pain faded. Fear of such an outcome makes him freeze when the first sound of movement meets his audials; there's something rather large nearby, and it isn't an Autobot. Nor is it a Decepticon, further inspection tells him when he listens intently, as he can hear how unnaturally it moves even from his makeshift hiding spot. It has to be one of the attacking forces.

·Rung looks down as you hold your breath, having heard the same sound and doing your best to make sure the alien doesn't find either of you. For an instant you're both left frozen and the air is tense enough to feel as if it's smothering you. Scouting the situation as best he can, the small mech takes note of the fact he only has one usable path to the medical bay from this position, as any other course would require a great deal of backtracking there simply isn't time for. The only viable way forward is this one, and as there's only a single enemy... Looking down at you one final time let's him make a decision. This has to be done, for your sake, and he quickly sets you down in an open yet depowered electrical hatch, one likely left this way by a bot abandoning it in the midst of some maintenance. Hopefully it will keep you safe...

·You know what he's doing when Rung whispers for you to stay down and make a run for it should things "end poorly", but you don't even get a chance to try and stop him, the fear in his optics all but breaking your heart as he disappears from view. Alone in the hatch, a million thoughts storm in an attempt to form a plan. Being so tiny leaves you very few options... Yet a forgotten tool, some kind of Cybertronian screwdriver, opens up a slew of dangerous possibilities. What you assume to be adrenaline fills you so fast you get dizzy, but you don't let that stop you as the makeshift weapon is clenched between your shaking hands. Unbeknownst to you, Rung executes his first attack at the same instant, finishing off an impressive ambush with a ferocious stab intended to end a fight before it can begin.

·Rung isn't surprised when his attack merely staggers his opponent; just dissapointed as the brute turns to retaliate. Bloodied weapon in hand, he simply doesn't have the reflexes to avoid the hit that comes next, though he does manage to land a small puncture wound as a powerful blow slams him against a wall. As he is pinned by the overwhelming weight of a much larger being, he can only think about you... The weapon is immobile in his hand, as useless as he knows he is, and he prays this commotion will at least enable you to escape. Pressure hard enough to crack his armor suspends any thoughts beyond pain as the alien goes in for the kill. Only, it's interrupted by a very unexpected attack at the base of one of its legs, one that staggers it as something tiny and very sharp is stabbed as deep as it can go... by you.

·There's no time to celebrate before a reflexive kick sends you sprawling, your tiny body rolling across the ground from a mere glancing blow. Between the window of opportunity and the glaring rage on your behalf, it's all Rung needs to turn the tide of battle. Though he's sloppy from anger and pain, his staff finds a weak point and the bladed end sinks deep, sending the gargantuan being toppling like a gigantic tree. Before the thud has finished echoing Rung is by your side, kneeling on a visibly damaged leg to look you over. Despite the strength of what hit you, there's something off in how bleary you are as his face spins above you, as if the world is slipping away. Your injured partner can see it too. In fact, anyone could see you're struggling just to breathe, and that sends a chill through his spark. Whether or not this level of incoherencey makes any sense for your manner of injury, he doesn't have time to ask questions, needing to get you somewhere safe instead. All he takes the time for is to plead that you remain awake.

·Before he can damage his leg further by attempting to struggle into a standing position, luck arrives in the form of a squadron of armed bots, who heard the sound of combat and came to investigate. The sight of the ship's tiny phsychiatrist and the hulking alien he obviously killed makes most of their jaws drop. In a rare loss of composure, Rung begs them to take you to the medical bay as fast as possible, tears hidden only by his lenses. Slipping out of consciousness while you're lifted by dexterous hands, you can only be glad he'll be okay, and that despite your tiny size you made a difference... A quick thinking bot heeds the instructions and carts you off for treatment. Rung can only pray help will be given in time, and as he's helped along after you the bitter sense of failure hurts worse than any injury; how could he be so worthless as to let you down in this of all moments?

·The feeling is not at all relieved when he arrives for care of his own and is told that you'll live, only because the true cause of your sudden deterioration strikes him hard. You were suffocating, tiny organic body failing from a lack of critical resources, and yet you'd been forced to save him. Did this mean he had hurt you more than anything else today, because he'd been unable to handle himself, making you waste precious oxygen and energy? As soon as he's patched up he requests to stay alone by your side, which is rather difficult due to how many bots want to praise his efforts in taking down an enemy. Their intentions are at least appreciated. Yet he's left to agonize as he waits for you to stir, removing his glasses so he can hold his head in his hands while the emotions overwhelm him.

·Upon waking, it's hard to ignore the fact that most of your body hurts in one way or another, particularly in a few stretches of your arms and legs where bruises will no doubt be blossoming soon. Yet the mask on your face is what really gives you pause, especially as you open your eyes to see the interior of a medical bay suite. A familiar dash of copper catches your attention before you can think too hard. Rung is just beside you, yet you can't tell if he's awake or powered down by the way his helm is leaning so heavily against his palm. The question is answered as soon as you stir, and his usually bright optics snap open to reveal an exhausted grey. Despite the visible anguish, he smiles as soon as he sees you, reaching forward to brush your cheek as he softly says your name. Static blurs his voice into an uncharacteristic croak.

·A tad bit accustomed to worried minds in confusing situations, he gently relays what led to you being here, trying to remain neutral but slipping in a bit of self admonishment as he gets to his failed defensive effort. The memories flood back despite the injuries you suffered and the lack of oxygen in the moment. A far different scene comes back in your mind's eye, one of a mech valiantly charging into a fight just to give you a chance at escape, and you take hold of his digit despite the pain of moving your arm. When he tries to stop the action you cut him off gently, saying that he's not just the reason you're alive, he was the source of your own burst of courage that resulted in you saving his life. Your love for each other is why you're both here to live another day.

·The devotion in your words takes him by total surprise. For all the adoration he has for you, he's not even accustomed to being remembered by anyone, let alone treasured. Honest as can be, he can only silently wipe away a few happy tears as he requests you forgive him for the self imposed criticism. Smiling back, you promise to do so, and to always help him remember that he's worth all the love you have for him. With tenderness only he could possess, Rung leans down to leave a soft kiss on the side of your head in silent thanks. There simply aren't words for the happiness you give him even in the hardest times...

#transformers #maccadam #mtmte #more than meets the eye #lost light #idw #tf #my writing #my asks #anon #rung #rung x reader #human reader #self insert #requests

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marvelsimp · 4 years ago

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The New Kid: Arriving

Ch. 2

The New Kid Masterlist

Genre: Fluff, Angst Pairing: Peter x Lesbian!reader (Platonic duh) , Avengers & Reader Warnings: General angst, swearing, Description: It’s the reader’s birthday so Peter takes her to Avenger’s Tower and there are a few surprises along the way. Reader’s Powers: Healing, telepathy, and empath. Word Count: 3,073

“So, what are the plans for today?”

“You’ll just have to find out,” Peter said smiling.

“Come on its my birthday, you gotta tell me,” you whined.

“Don’t worry it’ll be fun but first, donuts.” He opened the door to a donut shop that you were just about to walk past. You grinned; donuts were definitely one of your favorite things for breakfast. Peter quickly went up to the counter and ordered two chocolate donuts for himself and then your two favorites.

“How’d you know my order? We’ve never gotten donuts together,” you said while sitting down at a table.

He looked at you a little offended. “Y/n, we’ve known each other for almost a year know. And you talk about food, especially breakfast food way, too, much.”

‘Fair enough,” you scoffed.

You and Peter sat there eating for maybe fifteen minutes when Peter suddenly got up, “Looks like our ride is here.”

You looked out and there was a black car that had just pulled up. You shot Peter a confused look but decided asking questions would get you nowhere. So, you followed him out and got in the car door he opened for you.

“Happy, this is Y/n. Y/n, this is Happy,” Peter said while getting into the car himself.

You waved and smiled at Happy, he nodded and then started driving. “So, umm,” you weren’t quite sure where you were going with that much less where you were going at all.

“Y/n, calm down,” he teased. “I wouldn’t make you do anything you aren’t comfortable with, especially on your birthday.”

You let out a sigh. The rest of the car trip there wasn’t much talking, you just looked out the window and took in the city that was becoming your new home. When you finally arrived you had no clue where you were until you got out of the car and looked up. Your eyes grew wide in surprise and excitement. “What the hell, Parker?” You exclaimed while slapping Peter’s arm.

“Surprise,” he grinned.

You were at Avengers Tower; you’d always wanted to go since if first opened after the attack on New York. The first two floors were open to the public but the rest of the floors were for the Avengers, it was very rare for anyone else to be allowed to enter.

Peter just smiled interlocking your arms together and walked you into the building. Over the next two hours you walked from one station to another. Some were a bit more historic and just listed facts about important Avenger events. Some were video games or short documentaries about each individual avenger, or at least most of them. Your favorite one was the VR game where you got to play as an Avenger, you chose Captain Marvel while Peter chose Ironman.

When you had seemingly finished, you were a little sad but Peter quickly lifted you spirts, “Don’t worry I have another surprise.”

You could feel the excitement absolutely radiate off of him, you were pretty sure that even if you didn’t have powers that you’d still feel it. Peter grabbed your hand and dragged you out of the building. He led you the back of the building to a garage like area and then to an elevator. You quickly caught on. He was taking you to the upper levels, the Avengers Levels.

“Peter, your n-“

“Friday, I have a guest. Let Mr. Stark know that we’re here.”

“Yes, Mr. Parker he is already aware. Would you like me to send you straight up to him?”

“Yes, please,” he said while stepping onto the elevator, dragging you along.

“Peter, are you introducing me to THE Tony Stark?”

He nodded. “Oh yeah,” he perked up, “Friday, this is Y/n Y/l/n. Y/n, this is Friday.”

“Hello, Miss Y/l/n. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“It’s, um, nice to meet you, too,” you say looking at the ceiling.

“She’s Mr. Stark’s AI for the building. She’s also in his suits,” Peter explained.

“Like Karen?”

“Like Karen.”

You were anxious to say the least. You were in Avengers tower and about to meet TONY STARK. You collected yourself as the elevator rose, taking in a few breaths. “You could’ve warned me.”

“Surprising you is more fun.”

You rolled your eyes, “My own best friend keeping such a big secret from me!”

“Hmm, like you haven’t kept anything from me.”

“That’s different!”

You both had big smiles on your faces as the elevator doors opened and there they were the Avengers. Your face dropped, “Holy fuck!” You said that a lot louder than you meant, your hands covered your mouth, as the Avengers turned their heads to look at you. You quickly slid over in the elevator to be out of their lines of view as you could hear a few snickers. You turned to Peter slapping his arm a few times. “You asshole!” you whispered angrily.

“Sorry! Sorry!” he laughed. “You should’ve seen the look on your face, though!”

“Peter! Those are the Avengers! Why are you laughing?!?!”

“Come on, Y/n. They’ll love you and I’m not the one who just screamed ‘fuck,’” he whispered in your ear.

You muttered trying to figure out what to say. You sighed at the stupid boy in front of you then you took a deep breath in. “Fine. Oh my god.”

You shook off your anxiety and when you were ready you gave Peter a light shove, making him lead the way. The room, or what ever it was, was huge. The main section, or where the Avengers were, was elevated from where the elevator was so you had to look up at them. It was to say the least intimidating, but they all seemed to just be hanging out on the couches that were on the platform.

You looked to the left, right over Peter’s shoulder, and there he was Tony Fucking Stark. Right behind him were Steve Rodgers and Bucky Barnes who were talking between themselves. Close behind them was the Falcon, you only didn’t know his name because the public didn’t know his name. Some of the Avengers were like that, their true names weren’t know so the media used other names, such as Falcon, Spider-Man, Scarlet Witch, Hawkeye and a few more. You had stopped walking and there he was, your mind was running at light speed while your mouth hadn’t even started walking yet.

“Y/n, this is Mr. Stark. Mr. Stark, this is Y/n!” said Peter who was once again beaming with excitement.

“Tony, please,” Mr. Sta-Tony corrected. “I can never convince him to call me that.”

You turned your head to seen Peter’s face go a little red, causing you to chuckle. You turned back to Tony, you were amazed… more like in shock. “I-It’s an honor to meet you.” You felt like you should bow or something, they were like royalty to you but you resisted the urge. “And yeah Peter’s likes that, an idiot. Umm, I can’t believe I’m meeting you, cause someone decided not to tell me.” Tony smirked at your response. “I’d love to ask you about your suits, they are absolutely amazing! Especially the nano technology its incredible.”

“We can talk about that later, kid. But for now, you gotta meet the rest of the crew.” With that he walked away, back to the platform with the couches.

“You’re trying to kill me, Parker,” you whispered in your best friend’s ear as the three men who had been behind Tony approached.

You were freaking out all over again. Three more Avengers, you were meeting Avengers.

“Steve,” the blond man reached his hand out.

“Y/n,” you said reaching to shake Captain America’s hand. “And you’re, uh, Bucky.” He just nodded in return. You turned to the other man, you scrunched your face saying a sort of sorry.

The man just stepped forward, barley bumping into Bucky, “Sam.”

“What the hell was that for?” Bucky growled, clearly angry that Sam had touched him.

“Language,” said Steve who looked like he was dealing with two toddlers.

“Don’t ‘language’ me,” he turned back to Steve. “She just said a way worse word than that, not even five minutes ago!” he said pointing his finger at you. You gritted you teeth and turned your head a little in shame.

Steve scoffed at Bucky then turned back to you. “Nice to meet you, doll,” he says grabbing Bucky’s metal arm dragging him and Sam away from you and Peter.

That whole interaction through you off. “That was-“

“Weird?”

“Yeah, this one hundred percent makes me feel like I’m in a fanfic,” you say trying to ease your anxieties.

He just blushes.

“Come on I’m not even talking about sm-”

“Ahem,” a brunette woman coughs to get your attention. You look over and there are the Scarlet Witch and Natasha Romanoff. You blush, both of them are a lot prettier in person and they caught you in the middle of a weird sentence. “I’m Wanda,” she says with a kind smile. The rest of the Avengers seemed excited or at least a little happy and she was but you could also feel her mourning. A type of mourning she was hiding away, trying to ignore, wouldn’t accept. You understood that kind of mourning.

“And I’m Nat. Oh, and you might want to watch out.”

Suddenly you were grabbed from behind and picked up. “Lady Y/n,” said the thundering voice, “It is an honor to meet you.”

You got the wind knocked out of you but you eventually let out a big long laugh. You turned your head and as you had suspected it was Thor. “It’s nice to meet you too,” you giggled.

“How about you let her down now?” instructed it calm voice behind you. With that Thor set you gently on the ground. “I’m Bruce,” stated the man stepping around the god to see you.

Your eyes widen, you have Dr. Bruce Banner in front of you. You were going to ask about his PhDs or something along those lines, but you were interrupted by Friday.

“I would like to inform everyone that lunch is now ready.”

Everyone made their way to a large table. You clutched onto Peter’s arm hoping you didn’t faint or get overwhelmed and have an anxiety attack, even though you were surprisingly calm. You ended up sitting with Peter on your left and Wanda on your right. You soon discovered that lunch was pizza. Thank god. You were afraid it was going to be something fancy. Wanda offered to get you some you favorites using her powers, to which you accepted.

“So, Y/n,” Tony started, “Peter tells me that you’ve already graduated from high school.”

“Uh, yeah. After the blip, when I came back, my school was no longer running so I decided to do school from home. It was just easier so I spent my time pouring over my studies and working on some projects. I finished what would usually be five semesters in about five months?”

Tony seemed to be impressed. “Tell me about the projects you were working on.” You looked over to Peter, kind of asking if he had told him about your powers. It took him a second to understand but he returned with a nod. “After I came back I discovered my powers so I used an old microscope and collected some of my blood to study.” You went on to explain your process and what you found. You then continued by talking about your projects. The avengers would ask questions, mostly Tony, Bruce, and Peter.

Then you felt it, it was like someone was screaming in your ear. Loki. That couldn’t be right, Loki died during one of the battles with Thanos. As you began to understand and test your powers you learned that a person’s subconscious was almost always saying their name, the only time that becomes loud enough for you to hear is when the person is trying to focus or is under a crap ton of stress. The screaming persisted. You finally decided to turn you powers completely on to figure out exactly where it was coming from. You finally discovered it to be the man who seemed to be preparing some desserts. The voice screaming Loki over and over continued to grow louder and louder. The sound was banging around your skull causing you to develop a slight headache. You turned to Wanda, you wanted to make sure before you started to throw around accusations of Loki being in Avengers Tower. “Wanda,” you whispered in her ear, “could you read that guy’s mind over there. Something feels off.”

She nodded her head. Her eyes had a very faint red glow to them. After a few seconds she suddenly stood up causing everyone to turn their heads to her, a few them went into instant defense mode, ready for a fight. Her hands began to glow red and the man was now surrounded in the red glow too. “Reveal yourself or I will,” she demanded.

The man groaned and rolled his eyes. “Come on,” he said while transforming and revealing himself to be Loki.

Thor stood up quickly his happy demeanor turned mincing as he held his hand out for what you assumed to be for Mjolnir to arrive.

Peter quickly picked you up from your chair and ran you out to the elevator. Which was smart because now there was yelling and screaming. “Friday take us to the game floor… Shit!” Peter grinned punching your arm slightly.

“Didn’t know I could do that.”

“No, just didn’t expect Loki to be here much less alive!”

You went on to explain to Peter how you had discovered the God of Mischief while to elevator when down. Eventually it stopped and you two got out. You finished your story just as Peter opened the first door.

“This is the gym.” It was a expansive room, a portion of it was just the usual work out gear, a ginormous rock wall, and a boxing ring. “Over here is my favorite bit.” Peter led you to a door. When you stepped through it was full of walls that didn’t meet the ceiling, little secret paths and quite a few upper platforms.

“This is where we play laser tag,” Peter explained, “It’s meant for training but also fun! Everything can be changed with a push of a button.” He walks over to a panel on the wall and pushes a few buttons on the tablet. The room then shifts and changes, its now a little more direct with a lot of less tunnels and more simple hiding spots. Peter then walks over to a wall that has some vests and weapons. He turns to you with a cheeky grin, “Do you wanna play?”

You smile reaching your hand out to receive a vest. “Game on.”

You and Peter play for who knows how long, but it distracted both of you from what happened upstairs. Even with both of your regenerative abilities you were both panting and sweating after half a dozen rounds but still having fun. Then Friday spoke up, “Peter, Mr. Stark has informed me that you need to check your phone.” You both pause your game; Peter reaches for his back pocket and reads a message.

“What does it say?”

“Umm, he just wanted to let us know that they got Loki,” he says peeking up from behind a wall then you shoot at him missing. “Cheater!” After a few more rounds Peter asks, “Do you want to continue the tour? We can always come back here later.”

“Yes, please,” you say catching your breath. You and Peter put up the gear, get some water and then exit the gym area. He shows you a massive olympic size pool with several diving boards of different heights. Then he takes you to a huge game room. It has several TVs, computers, there’s even a small VR room, and of course there are tons of board games.

Since he got that text form Tony, Peter’s excitement keeps growing and growing. “You have another surprise, what is it?”

Peter opens his mouth then closes and he lets out a sigh, he’s a terrible liar and you’re basically a walking talking lie detector. “Come on,” he lets out sounding a little defeated.

You let out a chuckle, he leads you back to the elevator. “Friday, take us to the living area”

The elevator rises. It takes you to a common area, there’s a kitchen, dining table, and a tv with some couches and chairs all in the same room. You assume, like Peter said, that this is where the avengers live.

“I wanted to show you the labs first, but I think you’ll like this a little more. This is where the Avengers live,” he grins like he always does with pure joy escaping him. “The Starks’ have the Penthouse, so they don’t have rooms down here and there’s a floor just for King T’Challa and his family, Princess Shuri’s nice you’d love her.” He leads you to a hallway with several doors. “At the end of the hall there is a guest room on each side. This hall has War Machine’s, Hawkeye’s, Widow’s, Antman’s, Dr. Banner’s, and Dr. Strange’s rooms.” He had pointed to each one respectively. He then walks to the opposite side of the living space and to another hallway. Instead of stopping before the hallway he continued walking into it. “These on the left are Falcon’s, Wanda’s, Bucky’s, and Steve’s. On the right there’s Captain Marvel’s, Thor’s, mine, and this one...” he opens door that’s in between his and Thor’s and walks in, you follow. “This is yours.”

You let out a gasp and put your hand to your mouth. All of your stuff is here, your bedding, posters, pictures, clothes, all of it. You can feel the tears streaming down your face and you turn to Peter who is smiling with tear filled eyes. “What?” you breathe out not sure what to say. Peter simply pointed to a note on the bed. You walk over to it and read it:

“Welcome to the team, we got a lot to talk about but for now enjoy. -The Avengers”

“I..” you turn to Peter who is now crying, too. You walk to him and engulf him in a hug and whisper, “Thank you.”

Next Chapter

Arriving-deleted Scene

#avengers #the avengers #avengers x reader #angst #fluff #avengers x lesbian #peter parker #peter parker x platonic!reader #avengers x fem!reader #LGBT #x reader #the new kid

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miamarie1960 · 3 years ago

Note

Heres the text:

The final whistle of each of the Orlando Pride’s three consecutive wins this past week signaled something just short of an explosion from players on the bench and on the pitch.

Defenders Ali Riley and Courtney Petersen launched themselves into the arms of captain Ashlyn Harris. After the team’s midweek win against Portland, defender Toni Pressley hurtled off the bench before the referee even signaled the game’s end.

After one team huddle, midfielder Gunny Jónsdóttir and keeper Erin McLeod lifted a drum out of the supporters section, leading a final chant as they stayed on the field to soak in the victory.

In the span of two weeks, the unbeaten Orlando Pride have begun to relearn how to celebrate.

It’s early in the season. The players know that. But for a team that hasn’t felt much joy for the past two years, these wins sink deeper — and the celebrations that follow are bound to be bigger.

“When we work so hard during games and it pays off — it’s just this relief, this passion, this joy,” Riley said.

After three straight losing seasons, the team picked up three wins in the past nine days to vault to the top of the NWSL standings.

As the Pride look ahead to the next five months of the NWSL season, the team feels bolstered by a sense of chemistry and connection that its captains say is unmatched by any prior Orlando team.

“We’re building an incredible culture here that people should want to be a part of,” Harris said. “That’s always been what we’ve wanted here. We’re so set up, we have everything possible we could need. The training facilities, the stadium, the support staff — the organization is incredible. And finally it was time to just put results up.”

Building a culture was a purposeful focus for the Pride as they entered this season. In the preseason, coach Marc Skinner tasked his team with assembling a leadership committee to begin cementing a formalized identity for the group.

“We’ve never had a culture here,” Skinner said. “We’ve had great people, great players, but we’ve never really had a culture within our team. We didn’t have the amount of leaders that we do — that can be the voice for each other, that can support each other.”

Along with Harris and co-captain Ali Krieger, Pride players selected McLeod, Riley and midfielder Marisa Viggiano.

Amid a group of veterans who have been professionals for over a decade, Viggiano’s presence in the leadership committee represents an important piece of the team’s goals to build for the future.

Since Skinner joined the Pride, the club has invested more heavily in young players than in years past. Draftees such as Viggiano, Taylor Kornieck and Phoebe McClernon quickly became staples of the starting lineup.

As these young players also find their voices, Viggiano is able to lead rookies to become leaders in their own right.

“She’s the bridge to connect the rookies and the older girls,” Kornieck said. “It’s really, really helpful to have that person to just connect us both. She’s been amazing to me in particular. ... She comes in and brings up everybody’s energy.”

On the Friday between the team’s matches against Portland and Kansas City, the Pride started a day of training with a team-building activity, dividing up in small groups led by members of the leadership committee to talk about the team dynamic.

Skinner wants the team to regularly make time for these types of activities even in the middle of congested weeks. After spending most of 2020 forcibly separated by the pandemic, Riley said the group has been eager to build on their bonds with one another.

“We were waiting to finally be able to become a team,” Riley said. “We have women on this team who are really prepared to put ourselves out there and try to make a difference. I think that was the goal from Day 1 this season.”

This attention to detail carries over into how the team celebrates. The first training session after a Pride win is always highlighted by a table laden with boxes of donuts and a bulletin board coated in clippings of positive messages from fans on Twitter.

From memes to a request for a Petersen fan club, the staff selects tweets that highlight the growing excitement surrounding the club.

“It’s been a long time since this team was given any positive reinforcement,” Skinner said.

In his first two years as a coach, Skinner felt the opposite effects of online fandom. The coach left social media midway through 2019, which allowed him to mostly block out online criticism.

Although Skinner still avoids Twitter — besides the few times when, to his chagrin, his dad brought up internet detractors — the coach says the positive of the past weeks has given a visible lift to his team.

“I think you can use it as your fuel,” Skinner said. “Some players need it; some people don’t. But they all deserve the accolades and the support they’ve been seeing.”

Other forms of team unity come from more unexpected sources. The night before the Pride’s match against Portland on Wednesday, players across the roster were focused on a different type of game-day preparation — charging their crystals.

Crystals have become a constant for the Pride — draped on chains around players’ necks, filling lockers for good luck.

Pressley gradually distributed them to her teammates throughout the last year, hoping their purported healing properties could help to elevate the team’s energy. Before the moon entered its full phase around 7 a.m. prior to the Portland match, Pressley sent a reminder to set out the crystals to “charge.”

Some teammates buy into these alternative practices more than others, but Pride players agree they have translated into a shared language throughout the team.

“I think [Pressley] has a method to the madness,” Riley said with a laugh. “We’re here for it. Whatever works, we’re going to do it.”

Pressley’s crystals might have cleansed the locker-room energy, but the Pride want to prove their early success isn’t about luck.

This summer will provide the greatest test as stars such as Alex Morgan and Marta are called away for the Olympics. But only two weeks into the regular season, the Pride already are aiming for postseason milestones.

“We haven’t won anything yet,” Harris said. “Winning three games, that doesn’t mean anything. We want to win a championship.”

Thank you!

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animefighter1717 · 3 years ago

Note

i was scrolling through your fandom problems tag trying to find a specific post but as someone who is an anti, can i elaborate on the point of fiction affects reality?

take me for instance, i was sexually abused online as a child by a lot of different people. a few of those people used content proshippers endorse to show me what they were doing was okay. im not saying this is the fault of the person who made the content, its absolutely my abusers fault, but it existing and being treated as a normal thing was definitely part of why i normalised that abuse for so long.

also, certain mental illnesses can make it incredibly hard to tell fiction from reality. dissociative disorders, maladaptive daydreaming, psychosis, all of these could affect someones grip on reality enough for fiction to affect it in very tangible ways.

i notice you use proship to focus more on physically and mentally abusive ships are okay and not incestuous or paedophilic but some other proshippers I've seen use it to justify that.

i want to end this by saying i don't mean any of this as an attack, i don't immediately hate you because you're proship, i just wanted to say this to get it off my chest.

- row

First and foremost I want to say that I'm sorry for what you went through and I hope you're getting all the appropriate help needed for you to heal.

Can fiction affect real life? Maybe. Should it? Of course not and most of the time I doesn't unless people allow it. playing ace attorney doesn't turn you into a lawyer, watching a slasher movie won't turn you into a serial killer and reading a smutty fanfics sure as heck won't turn you into an online predator!

As far as the whole mental illnesses making it difficult to tell reality from fiction, that's why there are resources to make that and the mental illness in general more manageable such as therapy , support groups and meds. (Yes I know they are stupid expensive especially in the U.S but that's a whole other discussion for another time) and if they're illness is truly so severe that the real ans fiction lines are near nonexistent, I don't think being on social media, especially this hellsite is healthy for them. I'm serious this place(and Twitter) will harm anyone's mental health far more than help!

The fact that you just assumed that 1. I'm a proshipper and 2. That I think that abusive ships are okay just ain't right. Don't make assumptions about people you don't know.

Obviously NONE of the above are or will ever be okay, I'm just not going to go out of my way to bully people for what they ship or don't ship like what I see almost all antis and quite a lot of proshippers do.

Truth is that I don't care much about shipping in general anymore I just believe that as long as people aren't being assholes or actively hurting others they should just be left to their own devices, not harassed,gaslit, bullied, or suicide baited; things I've seen almost every anti do hence why I have so much disdain towards most of them.

#answered asks #bunnisys #fandom problems #shipping problems

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punkrock-writer · 4 years ago

Text

Space Cowboy- part 4

Roasting the Shit Out of Toro Because He Deserves It

Pairing- Din Djarin x F!OC

Warnings- Mentions blood, fighting, swearing, Canon Typical Violence. Spoilers for The Mandalorian

A/N- WOAH It is here. 5.3k words. The longest chapter so far. Let me know what you guys think, is it still too short or too long, lemme know. And yeah, the end IS cheesy. I am the Mayor of Cheeseville it should be expected.

And a reminder Din is de-aged a bit, he's around mid to late 20′s here, just for a little more ~spice~

Let me know what you think! I love hearing from ya’ll it helps me a lot :D

Masterlist AO3

She honestly didn't know how he was so quiet. That collection of Ironman armor should make much more noise than it does. Or he could have at least woken her up before screaming.

"HEY" Sedona jumped violently. Her eyes springing open in panic, he wasn't in the ship, but his voice echoed throughout it. She heard the panicked voice of Peli yelling outside. She scooted further into the middle of the hull to peer out of the open door. Din looked as intimidating as he could, shoulders raised and feet wide. Peli marched from her office up to him, cradling a wailing Grogu.

"Give him to me" she wanted to laugh. The paternal instincts kicked in so fast, albeit a bit misplaced and underdeveloped. But he tried his best.

"Not so fast! You can't just leave a child all alone like that." Peli cried out, though not entirely alone, she was right. "You know, you have an awful lot to learn about raisin' a young one."

And then much to Sedona's discomfort, Peli's eyes met hers.

"AND leaving an injured lady! No water or bandages, that isn't very kind. Prisoner or not." She scowled up at the towering Mandalorian, whose head slowly turned to meet hers. She quickly scooted herself back against the crate. She wasn't ready for that kind of attention, she needed to get her thoughts in order.

"Anyway-" she racked her brain as she heard Peli continue to talk about the ship. She had gotten this far in the episode, and Din had obviously made the deal with... that motherfucker whom she cannot remember the name of. She was so focused on trying to remember she didn't even notice Din had walked back onto the ship.

"I thought I told you not to talk to anyone." His voice made her jump once again, it was rough, a warning. Her wide eyes met his visor, and suddenly the right words met her tongue.

"Don't leave him alone with the bounty" they were rushed, she probably looked crazier than Peli's wild curls. "Y-you can't trust him, something bad is going to happen."

She watched as he turned with a bag in his hand. He looked like he was going to speak, or step closer to her, his body seizing up. Instead, his gloved hand curled into a fist at his side, and he spun quickly on his heel and exited her line of sight. She heard the pair talk a bit more, mostly Peli talking at Din's retreating back. Then she was alone again. And her ass hurts.

Standing up was much easier now that the magic space goo had somehow healed her knees. Though she had extreme doubts, she sincerely hoped Din might heed her warning. She really did not wan't to be caught in the crossfire of their shoot out that was soon to come. Maybe that was the worst part about being plunked into this universe. The constant dread of knowing what's going to happen, and having no power to change it, was going to destroy her. She could already feel the way her body sagged with exhaustion. The ever-present headache was taking a toll on her mind, and her fight or flight response was kicked into high gear. She hadn't felt like this in years.

Trying to keep her mind from straying too far into the darkness. She decided to do some light exploration of the Razor Crest. She wouldn't touch anything, as Din so kindly instructed. But she was definitely going to touch all over with her eyes. First, she was going to figure out if that man had a shower. She turned opposite the open door and headed in the direction of what looked like an airplane toilet. She was pleased to find a small door stationed adjacent to the weird space toilet. Obviously hidden from view on the show, it was a rickety metal sheet. Actually, everything on the ship was a metal sheet, but she wasn't going to roast it too harshly. Opening it, the oval-shaped door created an edge that she had to step over to enter the small room. The floor and walls were tiled, and there was a small drain in the middle. A large ledge jutted out from the wall at about knee height, above it was what looked like a sink, and a small foggy mirror. Avoiding its reflection, she ventured back further. There was a curtain, pulling it back revealed a showerhead and a series of ledges cut into the wall. She tried to keep her heart from fluttering at the sight of soap bars, and a razor. Then heat began to creep up her spine, embarrassment making its way to her cheeks.

How fucking old are you 13? Get a hold of yourself.

She spun quickly not wanting to be caught snooping. She felt like a high school girl who had just seen her crush's room for the first time. She was 26 for fucks sake, and it was a bathroom.

On a space ship.

On an unknown planet.

In a universe that had once only existed in media form.

She wasn't able to wallow in her embarrassment much longer, through the open door she saw Peli return from wherever she had followed Din. She walked with determination, coming up to some kind of machine that was attached to the ship. Sedona didn't really know what to do, she stood awkwardly in the hull of the ship. Listening to Peli mutter to herself, she hated feeling like this. She liked to be moving or at least distracting her brain in some way. Now there was only the unfamiliar ship, her bags were already organized neatly- and then it hit her.

She still had her phone in her purse.

Springing into action she darted for her bag, rummaging through it until she finally found it. It was an iPhone and she still had her headphones attached to it. Her heart soared in her body, unable to contain her smile at the sight, relieved to find at least this thing hadn't magically transformed into a space object. But clicking it on she was met with slight disappointment. Only 32% charged, and the fact that her phone was wicked old and functioned at about 60% of its normal battery life, it would be dying soon. There are no outlets in space. She thought angrily. So she sighed and set it back into her purse, deciding to save it for when she truly needed a mental escape. For now, she could maybe go and see what Peli was up to.

And that's how she spent her first evening in space. She sat at the table, watching Peli fix the Crest. Or making sure the child didn't eat sand or some shit. Peli didn't talk much while she worked, which she was secretly grateful for. Only asking occasional questions, or pausing to complain about the old ship. Sedona didn't offer much, vague answers, allowing the older woman to speak more than herself. She really didn't feel like having to convince someone else she's from an alternate universe. Especially someone who was very much capable of throwing her into the endless Tatooine desert.

In time it grew darker in the hangar. Peli wiped her hands off on her jumpsuit, leaving grease marks in her wake. Sedona held a sleeping Grogu in her arms, he had been quite a hassle for her to wrangle with her hands still cuffed together. He was quick, and incredibly sneaky when he wanted to be. He currently held some kind of bolt in his little clawed hands, one of the braver droids had given it to him when he was fussing in her lap.

"How about another round of some bone broth, and then we get some rest." She snapped her fingers at a droid, who scurried off to the back of the hangar quickly. "It looks like that little stinker has the right idea." Peli sat, the smell of oil and metal rolling off her. She grabbed the cup of water she had sipping out of periodically and drank. Then she turned to Sedona, who up until this moment had been zoned out, staring at the shadows cast on the ground.

"You look like you've seen some shit." Sedona's heart nearly stopped at that, but when she met Peli's eyes they glittered with amusement in the dim light of the hangar.

"Yeah, I guess you could say that," she said with a laugh and a shrug. Then a droid appeared next to her, carrying more bowls of broth. She accepted it, thanking the droid once again. The liquid warmed her, she didn't consider how cold a desert got a night, and her shorts and men's t-shirt didn't exactly hold much warmth. But the broth helped, and she tried not to let Peli notice her shivers.

"Listen, I wanted to ask you something" Sedona almost choked on her broth. "I heard what you said to the Mandalorian, why do you think he can't trust that other bounty hunter?" Peli's gaze was quizzical, genuine curiosity, not suspicion. It gave Sedona confidence, but not enough to tell her the full truth.

"I guess I just have a really bad feeling, I think there's something off about the deal." She said after swallowing, and Peli was silent for a moment. Searching her gaze before suddenly leaning forward.

"You know I was thinking the exact same thing." She said it like it was the juiciest secret in school. "There was just something off in his eyes." She finished with a nod. Sedona couldn't stop her smile. She felt the beginnings of a friendship blossoming there in the cool evening. She hoped it wouldn't be ripped away from her too soon.

They finished their broth in comfortable silence. Then Peli rose, a mischievous smile on her face.

"Well, I'm going to take this little womprat to the back with me, if you need anything just holler," she said, reaching down to scoop the sleeping bundle from her lap. "You sure you'll be all right in that ship by yourself?"

"I'll be okay," she said with a smile, trying to look convincing "but Peli, if you see anything happening, take the child and run."

Her face turned serious, and she gave a curt nod.

"I'll make sure the droids stay awake, they'll give us a good warning" and with another nod, and a pointed look at the group of droids, she turned to the back of the hangar.

Sedona was alone again, and fear was beginning to crawl up her spine. She had to prepare herself. Somehow, she wasn't going to let that fucker touch baby Grogu.

~o~o~o~

Night came and went, Sedona spent it pacing. Somehow, that sneaky tin can had taken her taser, and her Swiss army knife. Leaving her with only pepper spray from her keychain to defend herself. She held it tightly in 2 hands, having finally sat down when she saw the hangar becoming light again. She heard Peli out in the open area, talking to the droids and the child.

"Here's a ration bar, I'm going to try to finish these repairs before the Mandalorian gets back." Peli had walked into the ship quietly, giving her the foil-wrapped bar, the child gurgling on her hip. The tension was thick between them, both women could sense something wrong. But if Peli wanted to say anything more she didn't, instead turning her attention to the ship, the child held tightly to her. Sedona honestly didn't feel like eating, her head was pounding again. The effort of trying to figure out the plot was scrambling her brain.

She didn't know how exactly to define it, but it felt like the memories of the show were drifting away from her. Scenes she had remembered and re-watched multiple times now were faint memories. It felt like she was losing her mind, literally the only information she needed right now was dissolving like snow in her fingers. So she settled for clutching her pepper spray and hoping the droids gave her a good warning like Peli said.

The droids held up their end well.

It was maybe 3 or 4 hours later, Peli had miraculously just taken Grogu to the back for some food and a nap. When suddenly the droids went absolutely batshit crazy.

Sedona sprung from her spot on the floor, her headache was instantly forgotten as she squeezed herself against an indent in the wall of the ship. Hoping to spring on the hunter. She heard his blaster fire, then it was eerily quiet.

God, I hope they can get out of here.

Sedona tried to keep her mind from straying from the task at hand. She tried to keep her breathing quiet, straining her ears for any sounds.

Those shitty self-defense classes are going to have to work today.

There were footsteps on the ramp. Slow, but heavy, he really was a pretty shitty bounty hunter. She switched the safety off on her pepper spray, trying to judge where he was on the ship by the sound of his footsteps. Then the barrel of a gun crept into her line of sight, and she didn't hesitate.

Springing from her hiding spot she sprayed upwards, toward what she hoped were his eyes. Based on the shouting she was successful. She did her best to ignore the burn in her own eyes as the fumes carried toward her. Taking his surprise as an advantage she attempted to kick him in the balls.

Keyword- attempted.

Sedona did not consider the fact, that he might be wearing goggles. And that he might catch her leg. With a shove, she was sent sprawling onto the floor, with no way to catch herself. Her butt hit the ground hard, knocking the breath out of her. She looked up to meet a gut-churning smile.

What a fucking dick.

"That tasted awful, but I don't think it did what you wanted it to." He said with a smug smirk, he was so incredibly proud of himself. "Look at this! A third bounty, I'm going to be the king of the Guild!"

Well, if Sedona couldn't beat him physically. She was going to try to demolish his ego.

"Fuck you, Toro, this is why your mom doesn't FUCKING love you" the words were filled with rage as they flew out of her mouth, she lunged toward him. Her mind suddenly supplying the correct name when she needed it most. His face immediately fell, twisting into shock and confusion.

"What do you know about my mother?" he sneered, taking a few steps forward to tower over her on the ground. But his intimidating stance did nothing to stop the pure hatred Sedona felt in her heart.

"You look like you watch Big Bang Theory on purpose." It was one of her more creative insults, her new goal was distraction. Try and confuse him as much as she could, so that hopefully Peli could escape with the child. It seemed to work so far.

"I don't know what that means, but I would shut the hell up if I were you" he leaned down and sneered at her. She grit her teeth, the insults flowing fast.

"Your earring looks like shit"

"I said shut up!" He raised his blaster to her head, a position she had just recently became familiar with. She met his eyes, and with as much bitterness as she could muster, she put the nail in her coffin.

"I know how you die, and you die like a bitch."

That was the last thing she could say. Toro reacted very poorly, to say the least.

And for the first time in her life, Sedona was pistol-whipped across the head. Toro stalked away from her body that laid slumped on the ship floor. Continuing on his original journey, much more confused and irritated.

~o~o~o~

The Mandalorian could not shake the sick feeling in his gut as he tied the dewback to the hitch outside of Hangar 3-5. One look at the speeder outside had the mysterious woman's words repeating in his head.

You can't trust him, something bad is going to happen.

It really didn't help that she was right. In fact, he hated that she was right. It was making his decision on what to do with her much harder. He unclipped his blaster, drawing it ahead of him as he made his way down the stairs. The hangar was quiet, aside from the annoying droid that startled him. He slowly made his way through the sand toward his ship.

"Took you long enough Mando" there he was. He stalked forward raising his blaster up into the dark ship. Calican emerged; somehow he got angrier at the sight of the child in his arm, and the scared woman who had been kind to him caught in this mess. "Looks like I'm calling the shots now. Huh, partner?"

Din wanted to roll his eyes and shoot him right then.

"Drop your blaster and raise 'em." This time he couldn't stop the eye roll, instead having to suppress an annoyed sigh as he carelessly flung his blaster to the ground. Twisting his body in a way that let him quickly grab a flash charge. He truly was a pretty shitty bounty hunter, this would be his final mistake. Din was irritated, just waiting for the right moment to strike. Calican handed it to him on a silver platter.

"Cuff him." After that, Din really didn't give a shit about what this guy said. Instead watching as the woman approached him with the bindings. He rolled the flash charge in-between his fingers. Waiting.

"You're smarter than you look" the woman whispered in his ear. Obviously not, if only he had listened to the woman she left in his ship. He wouldn't be in this mess.

The right moment came as Calican raised his blaster higher. The flash brightening the entire hangar for just long enough, Din slipped behind some of the junk lying around. Coming around the side before Calican even knew he had disappeared. It was over quickly, his body tumbled off the ramp, taking the child with it.

"Stay back." He tried to tell the woman, who scrambled quickly over to him as he went to inspect the body. He didn't like the way she fumbled around him, grabbing his cape as he tried to make sure the man was actually dead. Then he heard the babbles of the child. He didn't really register what she was saying to him, just thankful she was calming him down. Inspecting the body he found what he was looking for, the bag of credits was heavy in his hand.

Turning to the woman holding the child, he prepared to pay and leave.

"Be careful with him." She said, the child simply snorting as he was placed back in his arms. She then tried to break some of the tension, bringing up the question that Din knew she would ask. "So I take it you didn't get paid."

Din didn't really feel the need to say anything. Instead pouring the contents of the pouch into her outstretched hands. But he decided to make sure.

"That cover me?" The woman sputtered in response, giving a shocked form of Yes. Din then turned, making his way back to his ship, babbling baby in tow. Until he was stopped.

"Listen, I don't know what you plan on doing with that girl, but she fought to distract him. She tried to make sure I could get away with the baby." Din turned back to the woman, his curiosity peaking. "She told him she knew how he died, and something tells me she did. Sh-she was very nice and helpful. I think you should give her a chance."

Din thought about it for a moment. It seems she was truthful about yet another thing she said to him.

"I would protect the child with my life."

Internally he was glad it hadn't come to that, or so the woman who stared up at him made it seem. He nodded at her, hoping he conveyed his understanding and turned back to enter his darkened ship. He heard her yelling at her droids, but he was more concerned with finding out what state his ship was in. As the ramp closed, he flipped back on the lights. With a heavy sigh, he observed the way her body was crumpled on the floor once again.

There was a large, bloodied scrape on her temple, the area already beginning to bruise. The child was struggling in his arms again, letting out indignant cries as he reached for the girl on the floor. He set him down next to her and reached to grab her under the shoulders and knees. Deciding to move her much gentler than he had the first time. He didn't really know where to put her though; he spun in his ship, her body limp in his arms, the child followed him in circles crying out in frustration.

His eyes landed on his sleeping compartment, figuring that was better than nothing. He quickly set her into it. Taking a moment to remove the cuffs still on her wrists, he internally cringed at the redness. Another thing he should apologize for. He didn't feel comfortable sitting in the hangar for much longer. He scooped up the child, who was trying in vain to climb into the compartment with her.

"Come on we have to get outta here" he grumbled to the child, who was squirming in his arm. He paused to look up at him, angrily babbling at him before resorting to pouting as he was hauled into the cockpit. Din started the ship quickly, not entirely certain where he was going. He only knew he needed to sit down with the woman in the hull, and really figure out what the hell she was talking about.

~o~o~o~

Sedona really didn't want to wake up. In her dream, she was warm and comfortable, and definitely not about to get crazy-murdered by a space villain. Whatever she was laying on was slightly squishier than the floor, but only slightly. It felt like if you were to lay a thin yoga mat onto a wood floor and then tried to take a nap on it. But she kept her eyes closed, trying to stay in her comfortable bubble just a few moments longer. Whoever was shaking her leg did not get the message.

"Please, just let me pretend this isn't happening for a little while longer" she grumbled, not yet opening her eyes. She tried to imagine her bed again, her soft blankets, and a cup of her favorite tea. She could pretend her head didn't hurt, and her body didn't hurt, and her brain didn't hurt. She could pretend she didn't have to open her eyes and face more confusion and struggle.

"Please, I'd like to talk." A soft modulated voice was not what she expected. She slowly opened her eyes, taking in the metal ceiling above her. With a deep breath, she slowly sat up, taking in the sight before her. At some point, after she had been knocked out, she had been placed in Din's sleeping compartment. At the end of the 'bed' (she didn't really want to call it a bed this was awful) stood the Mandalorian himself, and Grogu was vigorously shaking her leg with 2 hands. He babbled excitedly when she sat up, looking up at her and giving a wide smile. "How is your head?"

The new gentle tone was mind-boggling. She could only stare at him, mouth open like a fish. Her head was bad actually, feeling very bad. She just got smacked across the head with a gun, she couldn't imagine how she looked. But the sudden shift in mood was what confused her most; there was a stumbling, awkward, sort of kindness in the way he stood and spoke to her. She searched the visor a bit more, not really sure what she was looking for. A particularly loud coo broke her from her distraction.

"It... could be better I suppose." She licked her lips, mind suddenly wandering in fear. "Where are we? Are we stopped?" The Mandalorian couldn't afford to just stop, so they had to be in hyperspace or he wouldn't be down here. Why was he down here exactly? When did the cuffs come off?

"Yes, we're still on Tatooine, I— I wanted to talk to you," he cleared his throat. "I had some things to say, and to ask." He turned and walked further into the ship, she just now noticed the door was open. Showing the dark Tatooine desert.

Oh!

She was going to be dropped off here. Left to wander the space desert. It was a short run of things, but at least it was horrible while it lasted. She slowly got up, moving around the child to set her feet on the cold ground. The child babbled up at her, raising his arms, and for a brief moment, she considered picking him up. Her mind flirted with the idea of carrying him over to the metal man who leaned against the hatch door. Looking out to the rolling sands together, in peace. But instead, she grabbed her purse and prepared for the worst.

"So I guess this is it?" She paused next to Din, nervously looking up at him as she twirled her purse strap in her hands. His helmet snapped to her, quickly his body followed, straightening out to face her completely. He looked down at her for a long time, his body tense. Her body heated up under his gaze, feeling even more nervous under the scrutiny.

"Do you think I'm leaving you out here?" He tilted his head at her, it was almost condescending. If she was able to re-wind it and analyze the tone of his voice, she would've caught the amusement.

"Well I mean you did leave me handcuffed on the ship for like 3 days, and then brought the Crest out to the desert. Which you would never do if you weren't going to...leave me here" she rambled. Her eyes searched the area around them, not meeting his visor. He was silent once again, just watching her squirm under his gaze. She didn't know how to read him in real life, he was so much taller, and without the fan analysis she could skim through, a lot of his body language was lost.

"I was going to apologize..." he paused, his voice soft but gravely. Her mouth dropped open, slowly looking up to his helmet. "I'm sorry for leaving you cuffed in the ship, but you have to admit, you sounded pretty crazy."

The humor was detectable now, and after a long moment Sedona smiled, and as the words penetrated her brain a little deeper. A chuckle bubbled into her throat, and before she knew it she was laughing. It wasn't that funny honestly, but this was the first display of emotional release her body had experienced in a while, so it kind of went overboard. When she finally calmed down she was breathless, tears gathered in her eyes. Mando just looked at her, head tilted in confusion, and when he folded his arms over his chest, she knew he was irritated.

"I'm sorry... that wasn't that funny, but I think I need to cry and that's as close as I'm going to get." She wiped a tear from her eye, looking back at the still Mandalorian. She quickly dropped her face when she saw the way he was standing, straightened her shoulders. "W-what else did you want from me?" She should know better to think she was off the hook, he could still freeze her in carbonite. He would probably be able to get some sort of profit from her. The thought had her shrinking, she suddenly felt small again.

With a hefty sigh, he readjusted, facing back toward the endless desert. His trend of silence was much for daunting when it wasn't happening on a tv screen. Suddenly something grabbed her ankle. Of course, how could she forget the 3rd passenger? With an incredibly grumpy face and some mighty grump squeals, he reached his arms up to her as hard as he could. She smiled in pity at him, it didn't feel right to pick him up in front of Din. It wasn't her place, and she really didn't want to upset him when he was deciding his fate.

"You can pick him up." His voice was soft again, though he hadn't turned to look at them. "He seems to like you a lot" Her eyes glowed, and with free hands, she bent down and picked up the little one. Finally being able to hold him properly was wonderful, he was a comfortable weight in the crook of her arm. His little dish towel onesie soft on her skin, she smiled at him, and he cooed happily. Looking up she found Din had turned around, looking on with a tilted gaze.

"I want to know... do things work out well for him." It was almost a whisper, true concern laced in his modulated voice. She had to think about it for longer than she wanted. Yes, as far as she knew things went relatively well for the child, as for the man protecting him that was different.

"You have lots of adventures, but he makes it out okay." She gave him a small closed-mouth smile. Thinking further filled her with hope. "D-does... this mean you trust me?" She searched his visor, hoping she met his eyes.

"I..." He cut off, his head shaking. "I don't know for sure what to think, I know you're not a threat, but I can't...comprehend the things you've told me." He inhaled deeply, letting out a long sigh. A gloved hand reached out to stroke the ear of the child. "But I can't shake the feeling that I need you with me, so I suppose you should stick around for a while."

As if he understood Grogu chirped happily up at you. His head turning back and forth between the two of you. Sedona's heart soared. She couldn't stop the smile that crept its way onto her cheeks. She felt like jumping, but she resorted to squeezing the little guy tighter to her chest.

"Thank you." It came out in a whisper, she hoped he could register her gratefulness through his helmet. Grogu gave a little cheer, reaching up one clawed hand to tap her cheek.

"Well...don't get too comfortable, I'll need your help." There was the familiar grumble. She dropped her smile quickly.

"You got it. I used to be a babysitter, I'll earn my keep." She gave a sharp nod, determination overtaking her face. But another tap to her cheek had her cracking a smile once again.

"Can you fight?" That question was a bit trickier to answer. While she had a knife and a taser, there was no formal training to back them.

"I... had to take a few self-defense classes, but I didn't have many options in my city." She answered with a shrug. "But I'm willing to learn." She said, determined. No, she wasn't a gifted fighter yet, but if that's how she would be able to survive here, then she was going to become the best damn fighter this galaxy had seen.

"Good." He said, seemingly satisfied, and gave her a nod before abruptly turning back to the ship. "Then I'll train you when we're able to stop, but for now, we keep going." With that he brushed past her, the hatch closing behind him. She watched as he made his way up the ladder, she heard the hiss of the cockpit doors opening. She looked down at the gremlin in her arms, and his big eyes looked back at her. A smile showing off his nubby teeth on his little face. With a shrug, she walked back over to the sleeping compartment.

Now as she looked over her belongings, 2 bags, and a fucking hotel towel. It didn't seem so bad.

She should really put on a bra now.

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x--daughters-of-darkness--x · 4 years ago

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EVANESCENCE's AMY LEE On 'The Bitter Truth' 'I Want People To Come Away From This Album Feeling Hope And Empowerment And Strength'

EVANESCENCE will release a new album, "The Bitter Truth", on March 26 via BMG. The band's first collection of original music in ten years can be pre-ordered as a digital version, CD, vinyl and a limited-edition deluxe fan box set featuring a bonus CD, journal, poster and special cassette of exclusive audio from the making of "The Bitter Truth". Every pre-order will automatically come with downloads of already-released songs "Wasted On You", "The Game Is Over", "Use My Voice" and "Yeah Right".

In the official biography accompanying press copies of the new album, EVANESCENCE singer Amy Lee stated: "When we first set out to make our new album, 'The Bitter Truth', we had no idea of the pain and hardship that the world would soon face. While the planet suffered through the tragedies of COVID, racial injustice and economic upheaval, my band and I were dealing with the aftermath of our own losses, the unexpected passing of my brother, the sudden loss of a child by Tim's [McCord, bass] family, and the virtual loss of our guitarist, Jen [Majura], who has been literally stuck in Germany, unable to travel to record with us in person in the studio.

"Somehow through all these challenges, a theme began to emerge for us as a band. Pushing through is better than giving up.

"After touring extensively on our orchestral album 'Synthesis', we knew we wanted to make new music. In between shows throughout 2019, we set aside time to create together. A few days at my house, a week in the woods, just making use of our time together and getting excited about the seeds that were starting to grow. By the end of that year, we had the foundations of several new songs and the beginnings of many more. After recording four songs with our old friend and producer Nick Raskulinecz in his Nashville studio early last year, we knew we wanted to make the entire thing together. The energy and creativity was electric. Then, all of a sudden, COVID stopped everything. The pandemic turned the world upside down, forcing the album to be done sporadically, and at times separately, throughout 2020. We had to think creatively about how to do pretty much everything from that point on. Almost like it was the first time. There was never question, though, of not continuing.

"We had something special in that room when we recorded those first four songs and they carried us through last year. It was a big leap of faith to just go for it with the album and not wait or hold back or have any certainty about when we'd be together again, but we just knew we wanted to release our music and connect with our fans. We needed that connection, perhaps even more than our fans needed us. We wanted to be something in the world that wasn't a disappointment amid so much other bad news. We wanted to be part of the proof that life would go on.

"I never want us to repeat ourselves and I like to allow total freedom in the creative process, so we started experimenting with whatever felt good, taking it at times to a new level entirely, just everything coming from a real, honest place out of the love of music — nothing off limits. But all those rock shows we had been playing over the past few years really strengthened the roots of the band, and that sound and energy was cathartic. I'm who I've always been. Once again faced with darkness, I'm writing to heal. So here we are, naturally, making a brand new fiery chapter of the story we all love. This beautiful truth has been reconfirmed for me — it wasn't just a phase the first time around, and I wasn't wasting my time. These sounds come out of my heart when I'm being honest and I'm making music that feels like a reflection of myself. I'm proud and grateful to still have my band after all we've been through and all I've been through. As much as this album is an evolution, it also feels very full circle.

"The title, 'The Bitter Truth', speaks on one level to the world we live in today, in the belief that we must face reality, no matter how ugly or difficult that is, in order to move forward. But there is also an internal parallel: there can be no healing without first facing the pain. The bitter truth, for me, is that life is short and the choice is that I'm not going to waste it. Our mortality is fresh in our minds. This became fuel for our fire after the pandemic, the lockdown, through 2020 and making this album. We decided we weren't going to let anything stop us. We weren't going to wait around for the world to fix itself. We were going to put all our focus into finishing the album we started. Find new ways to keep on, make our own videos, whatever it took. This time has been hard, but having the music has been an incredible life-giving outlet for me and for all of us in the band. It was a place to pour our frustrations, our rage, our grief and our love to create a world we had some control over.

"Now for some typical bio stuff: They tell me that our first album, 'Fallen', is one of the Top 5 best-selling albums of the 21st century, and the biggest seller by both a band overall, and a rock act overall, if you're keeping score. We've won two Grammys and earned one of the largest social media followings of any music act (thanks, guys!) Someone wrote that our single 'Bring Me to Life' has been a 'pop culture touchstone' for the past two decades. It's still totally weird to me when it comes on over the speakers at the grocery store. These achievements and words of praise are nice but what's more important to me is that our music continues to inspire people to create things. Writers have written books inspired by our songs, fans have created their own anime. Films, music, visual art, even vehicle design. I know what this means because of the artists that have inspired me too. What I'm most touched by is what has grown into an immensely powerful, passionate worldwide fanbase who have a genuine connection with the music — a sacred place where we come together. 'The Bitter Truth' is meant as a gift to you, reflecting hope out of the struggles we all face.

"I want people to come away from this album feeling hope and empowerment and strength. Something that inspires me a lot in life is people who have overcome great obstacles — survivors. I hope we can pass on the idea that even when things are impossibly painful life is worth living. Leaning into those darkest, most challenging moments, facing them and finding we're not alone in them, makes us real. Makes us strong enough to take them on. And it brings us together, if we let it, in a deeper appreciation of the light... and the truth. Thanks for the memories. Now let's go make some new ones."

#Amy Lee #Evanescence #2021 interviews

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pensivetense · 4 years ago

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A List Of (Mostly TMA) Fic Recs Sorted By Vibe

Not an exhaustive list by any means, just a few favourites that caught my fancy. I shortened many of the summaries for space.

I’m going to pin this here and update it as I go.

Also, I’m pensivetense on ao3

MELANCHOLY VIBES

for when you want to feel comfortably muted

(sad but not utterly bleak endings here)

Hope, Etc. (Dickenson, et al.) by yellow_caballero

Jonathan Sims, six months after the Unknowing, wakes to find himself without a daemon - without humanity, without a soul. It’s a cursed half-life, but existence as a shell without a heart isn’t so bad: between solving the mystery of a persistent illusion cast over his friends and some light pseudo-cannibalism, a life as a monster is better than no life at all. At least, it would be, if it wasn’t for the fucking Owl.

A freaking. Amazing. Daemon au. Ties the lore of Dust with TMA lore very satisfyingly, but is mostly about Jon navigating what it means to be human, or, in the absence of that, a person, and doesn’t require prior knowledge of His Dark Materials. Cannot recommend highly enough.

after one long season of waiting by nuinuijiaojiao

Annabelle is not used to having nice things. or, Annabelle heads to Upton House, muses a little, and gets some well-deserved rest

I love survivalist Annabelle and also the concept of the Web as kind of a horrible Patron, actually.

i love you. I want us both to eat well. by SmallishWormMasterOfTheUniverse

At the safehouse with Martin, Jon decides it's time to quit statements once and for all. The Eye disagrees. Martin just needs Jon to be okay. It's quite possible that nobody is going to get what they want.

Scottish Safehouse Era, Jon and Martin coping with their respective Entities... really, really good.

the friend by doomcountry

He always greets a new spider when he meets it. It’s instinct, born in childhood, the same way he instinctively counts magpies, or flicks salt over his left shoulder. A little harmless superstition. A bit of politesse.

A great Martin character study with eldritch spider horror included. The imagery regularly haunts me (in a good way).

autumn’s rare gift by bee_bro

Annually, the two meet, renewing the binding ritual where it had all started. The procedure simple: a waltz.

Singlehandedly made me ship Gertrude/Agnes so there’s that. It’s so bittersweet and bee_bro’s writing is, as always, incredibly poetic. (I’d recommend everything they write, actually.)

smile, you’re trending by Goodluckdetective

During an encounter with another Avatar of the Eye, Jon faces his past, Martin takes a turn at playing Kill Bill and Basira has a second look at the monster she’s determined to see. For three people associated with the Eye, they could all use some perspective.

Features an original Eye Avatar character who’s a YouTube personality; she is infuriating and inspired and genuinely frightening and I cannot say enough good things.

Humility by The_Lionheart

have you no idea that you're in deep?/i've dreamt about you nearly every night this week,/how many secrets can you keep?

An OC centric story but don’t let that put you off, it’s amazing. Very heavily focused around Jonah Magnus and the other Avatars as they change through the years. Also, I’d die for the OC.

oh, for one sweet second without the eye series by faedemon

Beholding does not like in the way humans do, but it likes its Archivist all the same.

I’m just so fond of the way this is done stylistically. I have a great weakness for dialogue only/dialogue heavy writing, not to mention all of the wonderful character beats and interplay of humanity/inhumanity for Jon and Melanie.

Rewind by WhyNotFly

It takes eight days of forced confinement for Jon to start hallucinating. [...] It’s Martin, though, that his exhausted brain conjures, because of course it’s Martin. After all this time, of course it’s Martin.

Jon willingly allows himself to be confined rather than hunting for statements, and examines his relationship with Martin.

for a firmament series by supaslim

There is beauty in destruction. There is art in becoming. In which Jon becomes the Archive, and the Archive becomes Jon.

Part two posted this morning and uhhh. Good. Also if you’re here for weird eldritch body horror (I am), this one’s for you.

ONES THAT JUST HURT

for when you want to feel sad

(somewhat bleaker endings here/everyone is NOT okay)

Feste by yellow_caballero

If asked, Martin would say that he became the shadow director of the Magnus Institute by accident. But nobody ever asked, and nobody ever cared, and it was in this way that Martin stopped lying to himself. Or: break free, Martin. All you have to lose are your chains. And your sanity.

Oh, this one totally didn’t go the way I expected it to. A study in isolation. Could go into the category above, as the ending is not bleak, but the tone of the whole is somewhat more depressing than most there.

Ghosts of Love by RavenXavier

Nothing made Martin more grounded in the world than yearning for Jonathan Sims.

Lonely!Martin that really captures a sort of visceral ache. Hurts me and yet I keep rereading.

i do desire (we may be better strangers) by godbewithyouihavedone

For ages, it only knew how to worship, taking human bodies and living off the fear of those who remembered. It never knew love until it became Jonathan Sims. Now it must fight against every instinct to save Martin Blackwood. Archivist Sasha, Not!Jon/Martin, and the worst kind of Fake Dating AU.

Oh, this one just made me sad. The poor not!them, which is something I never thought I’d say.

Apple Of Your Eye by fakeCRfan

In which the Eye is fond of Martin. Perhaps a little too fond for comfort.

Somehow manages to be both sweet and horrifying—the characterisation of the Eye is incredible. ‘The Eye loves Martin’ is a scenario that’s so utterly doomed to failure and yet the writing is packed with so much pathos that I just want them all to be happy. A fantastic use of themes of agency and choice, and the single best use of Beholding as a source of horror I’ve read.

The Last Press by copperbadge

Jon Sims is awake, and has begun preparations for the Rite of the Watcher's Crown. Peter Lukas, who woke him, would be content to rule at his side. Martin is very upset about all of this, and the Lukases aren't thrilled with it either.

I really can’t say anything without spoiling the end and it’s so good. An alternate take on the Watcher’s Crown. Not a pairing that I ever thought would work for me, but this made it work.

watch the blood evaporate by 75hearts

It starts, like so many things in Jon’s life have started, with a nagging itch of curiosity. Jonathan Sims uses his healing abilities throughout s4. Read the tags.

Dear God please read the tags. But this is some high quality pain if it’s for you.

the lighthouse series by low_fi

Peter Lukas is a lighthouse keeper. One evening, he gets a call from a cryptic overseer tasked with monitoring his work.

This is such a vivid and yet subtle story—from the setting to the emotions portrayed, it creeps up on you slowly. The ending was like the gentlest possible gut-punch. The sequel just completed, and yeah, just as wonderful. This one is very much LonelyEyes but I listed it here because it is just exquisitely painful.

SATISFYINGLY HOPEFUL VIBES

for when you want to feel cozy

Clutching Daffodils by Gemi

Martin has always liked the idea of love at first sight. It’s such a romantic idea, the whole thing of it. Seeing someone and instantly feeling that strange, twisting feeling deep inside that every single media likes to obsess over. Of knowing you are in love within the day, petals falling from your mouth and warmth filling your chest as love burrows deep, vines twisting through your lungs. He always liked the idea of it. And then Jonathan Sims starts working at the Magnus Institute.

Somehow manages to be lighter and fluffier than most hanahaki fare, despite the setting. I’ve reread this one a lot.

the least he could do by Prim_the_Amazing

Martin should in fact not pick this man, specifically because of how attracted he is to him. It would be the responsible thing to do. Except he’s already following him. And he’s hungry.

Fluffy vampire au which everyone’s probably already read, but was too good not to mention.

rather interesting by bee_bro

Jonah Magnus realizes that, for some reason, when he comes in contact with weed, Elias Bouchard's consciousness will come into his life banging pots and pans.

Oh boy. So these are all favourite fics but this one is a favourite amongst favourites. The way Jonah is characterised (i.e. incredibly sensitive to scrutiny) is my favourite depiction of him, and the slow-burn between him and Elias is far sweeter than it has any right to be. Also, it’s hilarious.

The Magnus Records series by ErinsWorks

In a world parallel to that of the Archives and the Institute, a supernatural sanctuary stands against a cruel and uncaring world: A world of bureaucracy and tyranny, of murder and carnage, of loneliness and surveillence, of plague and death. But in this world of fear and misery, 14 entities born of the hopes of the world have emerged. And one of them has made their home here, at The Magnus Sanctuary. Perhaps, the employees within may lead happier lives than their counterparts did in the Archives.

This is just so goddamn pure. The author writes a really imaginative, fleshed-out alternate world and alternate Entities with engaging, well-written short statements. All of the character voices are absolutely on point, and it’s overall absurdly hopeful without ever feeling overly saccharine. I love this series so much, you guys, you don’t even know. I want to print it out and paste it on my wall. I love it.

HARD APOCALYPSE

for when you want to feel dark and angsty (and eldritch)

Most of these are shorts/oneshots because it’s just that kind of genre, y’know?

Ashes to Ashes by marrowbones

A conversation at the end of the world.

Oliver Banks is one of those minor characters that I am overly attached to. Love him here.

Employee Benefits by equals_eleven_thirds

The Magnus Institute offered some normal employee benefits: a pension plan, holidays, travel subsidies, free lunch on the last Friday of each month. Rosie makes it work.

This manages to hit that perfect sweet spot of satisfying and hilarious. Rosie gets to torment Elias, as she well deserves.

a rose by any other name by Duck_Life

Part of Jon blooms in Jared Hopworth’s garden.

This one was sad and honestly too gentle to really belong in this category, but I love it.

Eye to Eye by Dribbledscribbles

In which Jonah Magnus attempts a post-apocalyptic pep talk.

Unreliable narrator at its finest, and the implications are suitably horrific.

commensalis by doomcountry

The tower is endlessly, impossibly tall, but Jon’s work is taller.

If you’re here for the eldritch imagery, then this has some of the best.

SOFT APOCALYPSE

for when you want to feel gently triumphant

apocalypse how series by sunshine_states

Humanity adjusts. The Entities have Regrets.

Some nice vignettes set in a kinder apocalypse.

ceylon series by Sciosa

The one in which Jonathan Sims decides that no, actually, he isn't going to let the world just end.

I include this only for the sake on completeness, as everyone has no doubt already read it.

rituals by doomcountry

Martin is the first person to knock on the Archivist's door since it arrived, fully, into its little waiting temple. The Archivist saw him coming from down the hall, but decides to feign interest when the knob turns, and Martin—still a little bit smaller, a little more translucent than before—stands uncertainly just outside the room.

This one’s a little less focused on the world at large and more on JonMartin specifically.

we raise it up by savrenim

Jonathan Sims reads a book and saves the world; although maybe the real salvation is the friends he makes along the way; (although perhaps the world itself and the darkness that exists behind it isn't quite as out to get everyone as it seems).

More ‘soft revolution’ than ‘soft apocalypse’, but has the same vibe. A time travel fix-it. Incomplete but worth it if this is a mood that appeals to you.

Scarred Ground by DictionaryWrites

“You see," Elias said softly, "people always have this idea that only living things can be scarred - and they're right, of course. But a building is a living thing, Martin. And the ground can be scarred, too." "I don't have any scars," Martin said. "Yes, you do," Elias said. "You just need the right light to see them.”

Falls somewhere between ‘Apocalypse’ and ‘Soft Apocalyse’ but I’m putting it here because I feel like it. Also technically a LonelyEyes fic. I found it hard to follow at first but it’s worth sticking with; things will eventually begin to make sense and come together.

LONELYEYES

for when you want to feel lonelyeyes

marrying anguish with one last wish by procrastinatingbookworm

In which Elias isn't Orpheus, and Peter isn't Eurydice, but Elias brings Peter home anyway.

Lives in my head rent free forever. My favourite lonelyeyes fic.

ouroboros by Wildehack

“You know,” Jonah says, a muscle in his calf quivering agreeably where it’s slung over Mordechai’s shoulder, “it’s really quite--fortunate--that I don’t care for you at all.”

Oh, this one hurts in the best possible way. The endless cycle of their relationship, the way it comes full-circle... yeah, good. Actually, no, this one might be my favourite. It’s a tie.

Breaking all the Rules by Thedupshadove

Elias proposes a somewhat...unusual wager.

Soft lonelyeyes? In my recs? It’s more likely than you think. Short, sweet, and... sweet.

Threefold by Sprinkledeath

Peter Lukas breaks three rules.

I’m just a slut for mythology allusions I guess.

Luck Be A Lady Tonight by prodigy

In 2014, Elias Bouchard takes a rare trip outside of his comfort zone. Peter Lukas wastes a bunch of money. You'd be surprised how many things can go wrong for two beings of cosmic power.

I love the sense of the history of them you get while reading this.

love is just a word (the idea seems absurd) by kaneklutz

"Something's wrong. It's stopped hurting" An avatar of the Lonely and an avatar of the Beholding walk into a bar relationship. It was bound to blow up in their faces.

Short, sweet, painful. Excellent exploration of their priorities.

Victor by penguistifical

elias tries something with his powers that he hasn't attempted before

The one where Elias tries to raise the dead. Not incredibly LonelyEyes centric but that’s still the pairing.

Simon Says by penguistifical

“Peter asked me to drop by and have a word with you, and, so, here I am.” Simon chuckles at Elias’s disbelieving stare. “Well, he asked in his own way. He’s not a complicated man, you know. He either comes from your arms looking like a stroked cat that’s been given a dish of cream or looking like he’s been in that toy boat of his out in an unexpected storm. He was far angrier than normal, so I daresay you weren’t cream today.”

I mean personally I’d just go ahead and rec all of penguistifical’s LonelyEyes fics but this is a standout for me.

AROMANTIC AND ASPEC MOODS

for when you want to feel Seen

The Aro Archives series by WhyNotFly

These are all just really really good. From Aro!Peter to two different aro-spec versions of the Scottish Safehouse to a long and beautiful aro hanahaki fic, this series is uniformly wonderful. The two Scottish Safehouse ones (Torn Edges and Murky Water) are my comfort fics.

and now all fear gives way by j_quadrifons

Before he can think it through, he murmurs, "Is that what it feels like? Being in love?" Martin's hand stills in his hair and Jon's stomach drops.

This one just. Wow yeah this is how it be. Another absolute comfort fic of mine.

Sweet As Roses by Prim_the_Amazing

Jon takes Martin by the shoulders, leans up on the tips of his toes, and kisses him.

I’m going to be honest—I didn’t know where to put this one. But it ended up here because the real standout of this fic for me is the portrayal of Sasha, and especially her portrayal as an aro character. So I’m putting it here. Mind the content warnings with this one!

HUMOUR

for when you want to feel delight

The Torment of Sebastian Skinner by Urbenmyth

After the Eye's victory, the statement givers are trapped in their horror stories, living them over and over again. Naturally, this works out better for some then for others.

Premise? Delightful. Execution? Fantastic. I read this one to cheer myself up when I’m sad.

Unlucky by VolxdoSioda

Jon’s dice betray him

Short, sweet DnD au, and the reason I cannot get DM!Elias out of my head now.

Voracious by beetl

A bird hits the window. Jon experiences The Flesh's thrall.

“Dead Dove: Do Not Eat” but make it literal.

The Stupid Endings by Urbenmyth

There are a lot of very deeply thought out and creative AUs on this site. These aren't among them. These ones are how the story could have ended, if Jonny Sims was a dumbass.

These are just uniformly hilarious, I cannot recommend them highly enough.

PODCAST CROSSOVERS

for when you want to make one of those “if I had a nickel for every time...” posts

The Sabbatical by morelikeassassin

Nicholas Waters is in need of an all-knowing eldritch entity beyond the confines of human imagining to help with his latest ritual. He'll have to settle for Jonathan Sims, who happens to have nothing better to do.

Crossover with Archive 81 (s3, specifically). Both fun and bittersweet.

The City And Its Sorrows by cuttooth

“What makes you think your friend is in Eskew?” David asks. He feels he can risk the scrutiny of the city that far. “I read that this is a place people end up when they get lost,” says the man. “This is a place people end up,” David agrees./The Archivist comes to Eskew.

Contemplative piece, and I love the way it presents David’s relationship with Eskew, the way he finds it horrible and hates it and yet belongs to it, is almost proud in the way he shows to to Jon. Great little vignette of two people oppressed by eldritch powers, intersecting.

Hiatus by bibliocratic

My name is Jonathan Sims, and I am in Eskew. (Jon gets lost in a Spiral city. It is not as easy as escaping.)

This one is far more focused on Jon than David, and is honestly more Eskew-weird than Spiral-weird. In the best way. Told in Eskew episode style, and is very good.

Sweet Music by Shella688

Eskew has a music to it, if you know how to listen. The percussion beat of thousands of footsteps, the melody in the squealing of the trains overhead. Today, the music of Eskew comes in the form of nine musicians, playing outside my office. My name is David Ward, and I am in Eskew.

Not TMA, but since a lot of Mechs fans go here—this one’s a Mechs/Eskew crossover. Short and simple, mostly David Ward centric, just a little well-written one shot I had to mention because I enjoyed it but it doesn’t have much traffic. Nice portrayal of the Mechs from an outsider’s perspective, and how genuinely strange and frightening they’d come across (especially if you’re already being haunted by and eldritch city). If you like Eskew-style storytelling, check it out!

NOT TMA

...but good enough that I physically cannot make a recs list without including them. Here!

#tma #the magnus archives #fic recs #long post #i'm not kidding you guys it's long #so be warned before you click read more #pinned on my blog

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furiousgoldfish · 4 years ago

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I haven't been writing a lot lately because my recovery has been taking a wild turn and in lack of anyone to talk to or therapy, I'll be writing about it here! I'll put it under a cut. There are some descriptions of recovery going very wrong, and also explanations of things I was wrong about.

So since the pandemic started I've been deteriorating badly, first I've been processing trauma extensively, having intense breakdowns and gradually it turned into depression from lack of stimulation, I've been completely alone for months without speaking to, or seeing anyone. I thought it was the isolation getting to me, and decided I just need to endure that, indulge in whatever coping I could and wait for it to end. And then things got worse.

Even as normally I was seeing some very slow progress in recovery; now it was going backwards; I was having less and less ability to get anything done, I wasn't able to force myself to do my job for months, I kept getting stuck in bed for weeks, chronic pain got so bad I couldn't move on most days. And, it only kept going worse.

My breakdowns stared to be about the present instead of the past; I couldn't handle being in pain all the time. As in before I would recover from a breakdown within a day or two, now it took 4 days to a week, and the trauma episodes would last for hours, so intense I'd find myself hoping I would die during it.

And then, I started losing all mobility and this seriously freaked me out. Everything above I've already experienced before, without long term consequences, but now my body was losing function in a way that felt permanent; I could no longer move for more than few minutes, and without extensive pain. Sometimes I would try to get up and end up collapsing and screaming from how much it hurt, I would move my arm and my whole body would experience a shock of intense pain. I was scared, I no longer knew what was going on, I was suspecting something more than ptsd was wrong. I've forced myself into physical activity, trying to fight this, I tried stretching, exercising, running, punching, and every single one of these activities made it incredibly worse. I thought I had broken my body by laying down too much. I no longer felt anything but terror and dread, and kept spiralling into scenarios of my own death; it felt inevitable, I wasn't going to survive without ability to move, nobody would take care of me.

I tried out medicine that helps relaxing, it had minimal effect. Then, in desperation to check if this was all ptsd, I attempted self harm, to see if it erases the pain. It did. It lowered the pain significantly It was a big relief, even though I wasn't happy with resorting to that, at least I could move around for a while, and I was grateful for that. Times couldn't be more desperate, and the measure felt fitting. I was still in a very bad shape, and the pain was only somewhat lessened.

It was about that time someone sent me the Complex PTSD book; I had wanted it for a while and immediately went to read it. I felt some relief reading it, and I was struck with the realization that I have not felt any relief in more than a year. It also surprised me with some of the exact descriptions of my behaviour, that I didn't realize was a symptom. I thought it was necessary and smart of me to live in hiding, to avoid interaction and never connect to anyone; it kept me safe. It turns out it's a regular freeze response to trauma; I got very called out for it. It also explains that a freeze response is what people use when anything else doesn't work, and it's true! I had been fighting, fawning and perfecting myself desperately prior to realizing that absolutely nothing helps, and froze to survive. It also described that freeze types are capable of surviving prolonged isolation because their brains produce hormones that relax the body as if they're going thru a moment before death; also true for me, I've been aware my brain does that, only I get that way too often, and it only helps me marginally because I'm too used to it.

Another thing I was very wrong about was my concept of my inner critic; I thought I had already won that battle, because I did not allow any voice in my head to criticize me (my alters can drag me affectionately), and I generally didn't experience a lot of shame or guilt for what I was going thru. The book describes inner catastrophizer, which is an extention of the critic, and it causes you to spral into extremely negative scenarios of your own demise. Now that.. was happening to me every single day, I saw myself dead around every corner. But I always thought my fears about that were perfectly reasonable. I had been tortured into suicidal state as a kid and nobody cared, I barely escaped with my life from there, I was living illegally, in hiding, without a normal job or regular income, without close friends or any family, with ptsd i couldn't get diagnosed for, without ability to work due to ptsd, in a capitalistic society where being able to work is only thing between you and dying. I had, by that point, gained many skills of survival, but it still felt very reasonable to fear that I would die if I don't get better soon.

The book described people who had families, jobs, social circles, friends and community, who spiraled into deep fear of becoming homeless and dying on the street; somehow their spiraling was exactly the same as mine, and it made me realize that it was, in fact, a symptom, and not reflection of reality. Because I was spiraling even when laying in my bed or eating or sleeping, knowing I could still afford rent for months because I arranged my life to allow myself to lay down a lot. I kept fearing my parents were coming to end my life, even when I arranged my entire existence specifically to prevent this from happening. And even if I was sick and without a real job, I had in fact, survived for 5 years after running away, I wasn't getting worse at it. My spiraling into death scenarios was a symptom of being trapped within a flashback.

The book guided me to try to challenge these fears, I immediately went for it, had a breakdown, screamed "I can't" for like an hour, had additional few breakdowns afterwards, and miraculously, recovered from them in only few hours. And then, I woke up from my flashback.

I won't describe what the flashback was, because it's too gruesome and horiffic, but it was in fact, bad enough to warrant every single bit of that pain I was experiencing, and a very convoluted, complex trauma. I was waiting to be killed in that flashback. Whats concerning is, I've been trapped in that same flashbacks for more than a year. After I broke my way out of it, it felt like I woke up to being alive for the first time in years. I got out being frozen in bed.

For 5 amazing days, I was able to do whatever I wanted. Chronic pain? I didn't know her. It was absoluely exhilirating to get to move again, I was not getting tired either, I was out there making up for months of doing nothing and I was not collapsing at any point. I felt actual joy again, and hope, and being free from pain was so extremely good, that alone made me ecstatic. I was able to create, to be organized, to take care of myself, to follow a checklist, to focus, I was a Normal Person for those 5 days.

And then, predictably, I was getting back stuck in that flashbacks and my levels of terror and dread spiked again. I went to re-read the book, and it took me a few days to really figure it out again, I don't know exactly how the book works on me, I feel like it says just the right keywords to trigger me into realizations and causes breakdowns that set me free. I found myself able to stop some spiraling, but sometimes I can't, that flashback holds immense power over me and is actually mixed with 10 other near-death scenarios that are too extreme for me to process, so this will keep happening. I did break free again, and got to experience additional few days of movement and happiness; I also started working extensively with my child alter, who was until recently extremely suicidal and dangerous to work with.

I am still kinda lost in all of this, and unsure whats going on, but I do believe I wont get trapped in a flashback again for a whole year. I became so anxious and helpless due to isolation, I forgot how to fight trauma, I forgot I actually had to do it. I used to do it constantly in the beginning, but it had made me suicidal back then to face all this, so I tried to just let it heal naturally, which I believed would eventually happen; but it didn't, I got trapped and suffered without knowing how to get out. I also believed my own spiraling was a reflection of reality and not trauma, and that fueled it a lot.

It explains very eloqently in the book how inner catastrophizing comes from being massively neglected; children who are not looked after start to realize just how unprotected they are, so their own sense of danger becomes hypersensitive and starts to lock on possible dangers everywhere. This is then further aided by media that points out every possible bad thing that could happen to a person, and the child who isn't guided by adult who could actually make a reasonable distinction between real and unlikely danger, will clock it all as absolute possibilities and be on alert. It's also fueled by the line of disasters and dangers that happen to them in the context of their own home, and for me, the strongest factor was my parents constantly convincing me that I would die without them. Even though I proved this wrong, and understand they did it precisely because they knew there was a lot of survival ability in me and that's why they worked so hard to destroy it, the fact that it was brainwashed into me under circumstances of torture still makes it impossible for me to fight it.

Maybe one day I will be able to.

I'm writing this because writing things down helps to make sense of it all, and I need to find my way thru this. I also hope someone else will see themselves in what I'm describing and it will help them find a way forward. Complex ptsd is the only book I found that speaks from the point of view of a person who survived cptsd, healed from it, and had so much experience with other traumatized people they're able to draw parallels and create patterns and statistics out if it, it was that more than anything that convinced me of their words, and gave me hope. The book also warns many times of how essential it is to reduce inner critic and catastrophizer before getting other recovery work done, other therapy might only do further harm before this work is done. It was true for me.

If you wanna read this book, here's a post with the links!

#cptsd #complex ptsd #ptsd recovery #tw self harm #story of recovery #trauma #abuse recovery #trauma symptoms #chronic pain #chronic exhaustion #freeze response

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yegarts · 3 years ago

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“I Am YEG Arts” Series: Hunter Cardinal

The magic of collaboration and connection starts with an encounter. If you’re an artist reading this, you likely have goosebumps. If you’re the artist who said it, you’re Hunter Cardinal, a sakāwithiniwak (Woodland Cree) theatre artist, hailing from Sucker Creek Cree First Nation. Though his name has been on the lips of Fringe Theatre fans since 2018, he’s most recently gained attention for his and his sister’s newest co-endeavour, Naheyawin. With clients including the Legislative Assembly Office, Naheyawin offers sustainable, Indigenous-based solutions for businesses and institutions working to improve diversity and inclusions and reinvigorate the spirit of Treaty into their organizations.

Regardless of whether he’s writing a play or teaching a workshop, it’s the questions Hunter asks that change the approaches people take. Those skills, paired with his belief that storytellers tell stories for those who need them, help us value our shared histories. Playwright, actor, and myth architect, this week’s “I Am YEG Arts” story belongs to Hunter Cardinal.

How did you first get involved in the YEG arts community?

I got my start in high school at Strathcona Composite High School! Through the different musicals and training opportunities during that time, I found myself surrounded by incredible teachers and artists from this vibrant community. This often results in me getting to work with people I’ve looked up to for a very long time—something that never gets old for me.

You describe yourself as an Indigenous myth-architect. What does that involve, and what’s the significance of the title?

Myth-architecture is an extension of the teachings we’ve gained from our Elders, who have told us that storytellers tell stories for those who need them. Myth architecture begins with a question that feels important but is without an answer and challenges us to craft a narrative that provides some sort of response. Often, this looks like “completing,” “expanding,” or “setting up” a pre-existing myth. With the play Lake of the Strangers, for example, we completed the myth of Mista Muskwa (The Big Bear) as we tried to answer the question: Why should we heal when there is so much darkness?

Looking back on your success as a first-time playwright with Fringe Theatre, what advice would you give aspiring playwrights?

I would encourage people to use everything they can about themselves and who they are as a person when crafting a story. So often we’re encouraged to leave who we are and whatever we’re bringing with us ‘at the door’ so that we can perform at our best. However, in my experience, the personal is highly universal.

Tell us a little about how Naheyawin came to be and what one of the highlights has been for you.

Naheyawin came from the ways in which my sister and I wanted to combine our passions—storytelling and system thinking—and be of service to our communities. The word Naheyawin, which can be said to translate into ‘the act of being Cree,’ was inspired by a phrase in our family.

That phrase is “When the people forget, the language remembers,” which reminds us that we can look to aspects of who we are—like our language—for guidance and tools to help us with the challenges we’re faced with today. What this looks like today is providing Indigenous-based solutions for the improvement of diversity and inclusion in businesses and organizations across Turtle Island (North America). This can take the form of webinars or us working with organizations on the unique challenges and opportunities they have to better incorporate Indigenous ideas or peoples into their work. I would say a highlight for me is whenever I get the opportunity to facilitate a webinar. I am so honoured to take part in the journey of learning that folx embark on—and so inspired by their open minds and hearts during our time together.

When you’re working with Edmonton businesses or community groups, what do you help them understand about Indigenous spirit.

For me, the most important thing is recognizing the gaps in world views of Indigenous and non-Indigenous peoples. We often forget that Indigenous peoples have an entirely different way of looking at the world, so when we are talking about certain things like art, land stewardship, or Treaty—though we are using the same words, we are relating to them in entirely different ways. So recognizing these gaps gives us the opportunity to build those metaphoric bridges that lead to a deeper understanding and innovative solutions.

Did you always want to combine your passions for your work and your culture into your artistry?

Combing my culture into my work was fairly recent for me. I was raised with regular, but not frequent, exposure to things like smudging, going to sweat lodges, and visiting family up north at Sucker Creek First Nation. But it wasn’t until I was struggling with a role for a small project that was exploring Chekhov’s Three Sisters that I saw the utility of my culture and identity. For the entire process, I felt like the worst actor in the whole world (an all too familiar feeling)—every choice I made felt awkward and contrived, and nothing felt authentic or realized. When debriefing with my director at the time, he drew a connection between my character’s love of Latin and my love of Indigenous languages—and then everything changed for me. I felt like I had permission to use parts of myself that I otherwise would have ignored because I didn’t think it would be useful or appropriate (kind of tragic when I think about it). I then explored using parts of my identity as an Indigenous 20-something male as the backbone of my role as Hamlet at the Freewill Shakespeare Festival and felt like I could bring something very unique and grounded to that role.

What role has mentorship played in your life? Is there a piece of advice that you carry with you?

Mentorship has guided me entirely through my career—so it would be difficult to pin down just one piece of advice. But if I had to pick one, it would be the late Brent Carver sharing with me that in order to be fully present in a scene, an actor cannot leave themselves at the door. The bits of your life, emotions, etc., that you carry with you throughout the day can be fuel for creating beautiful, authentic, and singular moments on the stage. In that teaching, I walked away with the feeling that I am more than enough, and every single part of who I am and where my life has taken me is valuable.

What excites you most about the YEG arts scene right now?

The community. Edmonton has such a thriving scene here—and I would attribute that to the wonderful people that make this such an incredible ecosystem. All the success I’ve been fortunate to experience was all given to me (freely, without question) by those in this community—the roles, experiences, training, and connections.

A lot of the themes in your work seem to focus on the benefits of talking and listening—the richness of understanding. How have you seen that turn into meaningful change.

Talking and listening—whether as an actor, artist, or just a human going about their day—allows you to take a moment to connect with whoever or whatever is around you. That moment of reflection can also allow you to ground yourself in who you are, the values you enter a space with, etc., while at the same time allowing others to be different and unique themselves. I find that this moment to remember that you are connected—yet distinct—can really help folx become a more rooted ally, actor, or person. Often this can be done by asking yourself things like: what or who brought me here? How? What is my goal? What or who is around me?

Why do you choose to live and work in Edmonton?

I’m living here because this is where my friends and family are! When I’ve travelled or lived in other cities, I have always missed the sense of community here. Plus, the cost of living here is much more reasonable than Toronto or Vancouver. Also, I have a great connection to a local farmer for some very high quality, grass-fed beef.

What kind of city do you hope to help Edmonton become?

I hope this city becomes a place where folx feel connected to the larger stories that we’re connected to as Indigenous and non-Indigenous peoples. The richness of our shared histories makes me so excited to be here, and I really hope that people feel that in the future when they think about their connection to this place. Not only that, I hope that they feel a sense of wonder at the futures that await us.

Want more YEG Arts Stories? We’ll be sharing them here all year and on social media using the hashtag #IamYegArts. Follow along! Click here to learn more about Hunter Cardinal and Nahayawin

About Hunter Cardinal

Hunter Cardinal is a sakāwithiniwak (Woodland Cree) theatrical artist hailing from Sucker Creek Cree First Nation and currently based in Edmonton, Alberta. Holding a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Acting degree from the University of Alberta, class of 2015, Hunter has performed across Canada and off-Broadway in New York. Recent stage credits include Titus Bouffonious (Theatre Network), Lake of the Strangers (Naheyawin and Fringe Theatre) and Hamlet (Freewill Shakespeare Festival). He is humbled by the steadfast support of his community, with notable achievements to date including the 2020 Elizabeth Sterling Haynes Award for Outstanding Performance in a Supporting Role in a Comedy for his work as Fink in Titus Bouffonious, the 2019 Elizabeth Sterling Haynes Award for Outstanding New Play given to Lake of the Strangers, his first play co-written with his sister and dubbed Edmonton’s Best Actor by Vue Weekly in 2018.

#yeg #yegarts #edmonton #edmontonarts #yegtheatre #IAmYegArts #artistfeature #IndigenousArtist

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panharmonium · 4 years ago

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round 3 of in-progress naruto thoughts, featuring me crying tears about pretty much everybody

[spoiler policy disclaimer first, as always: i’m only still in the early stages of shippuden (we just finished the asuma arc). i literally had zero interest in naruto growing up, so i remain unspoiled for virtually everything that happens past this point. i would love to stay that way, so please don’t interact with this (tags included, because the notifications now show them to me automatically) with any spoilery commentary, including even general things like “oh i love this show but it gets less good after X point” or “X season is better than Y season” or any general assessments of quality/likability/etc re: future seasons. Thank you! <3 ]

- well, folks. i have apparently reached the point in my viewing experience where i am deeply emotionally attached to virtually all of the characters and i care when bad stuff happens to even the most minor of them, because the asuma arc really ripped my heart out and used my feelings as ping-pong balls

- that said - i have to admit, if you’re going to kill a character, that was the way to handle it. it wasn’t glossed over or dropped like a hot potato; it had a huge arc attached to it and major development for the other characters involved and it came full circle at the end in such a quiet, complete way. i was hoping from the very beginning that the answer to “who’s the king” was going to be “children” (all i could think about was asuma yelling at kazuma “children aren’t pawns to protect the king!” during the sora arc) and ultimately that ended up being true, and i found that so satisfying. (painful. but satisfying.)

- SHIKAMARU. HERO. i always loved him, but what an incredible arc he had. and that episode, “team 10″ - WOW. wow. they really kicked it up a notch for that one - that was legitimately beautiful television, not just “good by naruto standards.” gorgeous animation/composition/editing...this show is in fact capable of magic, when it takes its time.

- grow up, you three. the shadow of death hangs over us all. some deaths may be harder to accept than others, but if you can’t get past that, there can be no future!

^^ this is legitimately my favorite line of the series. i can’t stop thinking about it. i love how tsunade is speaking from her own experience, and how she’s not wrong - nobody in this confrontation is wrong, really; shikamaru has his stuff more together than tsunade realizes, and tsunade is just telling the truth, and i just love how this entire line relates so closely to the thematic heart of this arc, which is the sanctity of children and the future they represent. like...so many characters in this show have seen so much death and tragedy, but we see children/the promise of the future pulling people out of that hole and back into a hopeful place. it’s literally tsunade’s whole story with naruto. she’s speaking from the heart, and it’s one of those lines that you can feel resonate across the whole story.

- kakashi, once again, coming to destroy me with his level of devotion to the kids. not even his own kids, this time. when he shows up at the end of “team 10″ and offers to take over for asuma and go with shikamaru’s group - i lost my mind. he’s been keeping an eye on those kids the whole time. nobody told him about what they were doing; he has no reason to be out at the gates at that time of night - he’s been keeping tabs on them. he knows exactly what they’re going through. he knows how they must feel. he wants to make sure they’re okay. and when he sees that they’re in an appropriate frame of mind for what they’re planning (aka, not unbalanced by rage or grief or the desire for revenge), he immediately offers himself up as an adult support figure. he inserts himself into that situation and assumes responsibility for making sure nobody gets hurt. he puts himself into a position where he can escort them through this experience safely (in more ways than one). he lets shikamaru take the lead and achieve closure, all while simultaneously monitoring the situation to make sure every choice the group makes is the safest, smartest thing to do. and then in the battle, he puts himself in between the kids and certain death over and over again - he saves their lives so many times.

the kids are so grateful to him for doing that. they respect him so much for it. they feel supported. they feel looked after. they feel validated. three kids who just lost their adult mentor in such a sudden, violent way - for them to have another grown-up step in and temporarily assume that role, for them to feel a pair of capable, steady hands propping them up before they fall down - that is so important!

kakashi is beautiful to me because he takes every horrible thing that ever happened to him and turns it into an unwavering commitment to help other people navigate the same rocky waters. everything he does is designed to catch people when they fall, particularly when it comes to children. he doesn’t have to take that kind of interest in asuma’s team. none of the other adults are monitoring them like that. but he understands what they’re dealing with and he knows they could hurt themselves if somebody doesn’t take care of them and so he steps in and assumes that responsibility himself. and then he does the same thing with team 8′s kids, too, in the next arc, when kurenai is out of commission. he takes all of his own painful experiences and turns them into ways he can protect other people from stumbling into the same pits he fell into, and i’ll tell you this for damn sure - he’d rather take a deadly hit himself than allow another cohort of children to be wiped off the face of the earth before their time.

i love that about him. i love that he turns all of the trouble he’s seen into ways he can be a source of strength for others. i love that he is always thinking about the kids. that’s the whole point of this arc: children are king. kakashi knows that just as well as asuma did, and the way he consistently throws himself in front of the children to keep them safe is my favorite thing about him.

- fucking LOVE that shikamaru turns down the feudal lord’s offer because he wants to stay in the village in case his friends need him. i feel like this kind of choice is never portrayed as a good thing in media - it’s always shown to be better to get yourself out there, try something new, leave old things behind, take a risk, make a change, as if staying home is somehow the same thing as settling or wasting your potential. i love how asuma lifts up shikamaru’s decision to stay rooted in his home as a worthy and admirable thing. the will of fire, indeed.

- the EMOTIONS i felt every time kakashi was helping naruto figure out how to complete the rasengan....when kakashi tells him “i truly believe you are the only shinobi who can surpass the fourth hokage” and then while walking away yamato’s all “you sweet-talked him” and kakashi immediately sets him straight like “no. no. i believe he can do it.” SOBBING.

- “good old asuma. he must’ve known you inside and out, huh?” i’ll be over here crying in the club, folks

- kakashi having conversations with sasuke in his head was Too Much for me ;__;

- we watched a bit past the asuma arc and are now into the part about the gemstone lady but the only thing i have to say about this new arc so far is about jiraiya and honestly i’m going to have to gif it to do it justice. that scene with him and naruto where naruto falls asleep on him just...struck me down where i sat. i was actually about ready to cry for real. my feelings couldn’t take it. i used to not really care too much about jiraiya in the shonen jump days (and yes, there’s some stupid stuff with him that you have to just look past if you’re going to enjoy things) but i love him so much now and i am finding myself so moved by the way he is rejoining the village and (re)building his connections with the people there, and how much meaning has been brought back into his life by the opportunity to work with naruto in particular, and how like...i mean, this is just my own impression, because i haven’t seen his full backstory yet, but he strikes me as someone who’s been running away for a long time, who had very little hope for the future, someone who experienced some terrible things and gave up, just like tsunade, until he runs into naruto. and now things have changed for him, and it warms my heart to see it. i love watching him take naruto on training field trips, and i love the depth of care we see from him towards naruto now - a far cry from the “i don’t like kids” of early shonen jump. i love seeing him collaborate with kakashi - tag-teaming their teaching and climbing in through the window to check on him in the hospital and teasing him about how silly he looks with a sheet over his nose. i’ve just become so touched by his progression and by the way the establishment of these relationships with “his” kids and the village as a whole (bonds, connections, all the things that this show can’t shut up about) has almost been a...healing sort of thing for him and has changed his entire outlook on life and given him a new sense of hope/meaning.

like. i can’t believe i am out here having jiraiya emotions after how little i cared about him when i first met him, but...here i am.

#pan watches naruto #naruto

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ibelieveinharrystyles · 5 years ago

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In the Name of Love

Harry regrets ending things when he sees the girl he once loved has moved on with none other than Timothee Chalamet [2.2K Words] [some angst]

Another night alone meant another night of American chat shows, Harry found himself slumped on his large L shaped sofa, a bottle of wine sat on the coffee table as he munched on a bowl of lentil chips. “Mr Chalamet it’s great to have you here on the late late show again, can I just say I think Little Women is an impeccable piece of work.” the audience clapped in agreement, Harry had always appreciated Timothee’s work and regarded him highly.

“Thank you so much James, I wish I could take all the credit for it, but Greta has created an exquisite piece of work, and I am eternally grateful she wanted me to be a part of it.” As the interview continued Harry shuffled into the kitchen, serving up the bowl of pasta that had finished boiling, adding what can only be described is a truly necessary large portion of pesto. “And as we know, you aren’t here alone in LA are you? You’ve bought back more than just a postcard from your trips to London haven’t you?” James continued, holding a picture close to his chest that he was sure to reveal to the audience.

“I guess you could say that James.” Timothee replied, an endearing grin plastered over his face.

“For those that don’t know, a good friend of the show shared this adorable tribute to you on the night on the golden globes with caption, ‘forever proud of you my beautiful boy’, that his truly a beautiful picture of you with the incredibly talented YN.”

“You’re right, she’s insanely talented,” Timothee grinned, his smile stretching from cheek to cheek. It was probably just as well Harry had put his bowl down on the table before James revealed the picture, there she was, his girl, except she wasn’t his girl anymore. The hands she once ran through his hair were running through Timothee’s, the daybed she once shared with him she now shared with Timothee, the same smile he had fallen in love with when she was the only one to laugh at his terrible jokes was now probably laughing at something witty and charming Timothee had told her. The sunglasses that she had worn on countless occasions when they were together, in many ways she was the same girl she was when she was Harry’s but as a whole that couldn’t be further from the truth. “She makes me really happy and I’m really lucky to have her you know...she’s going to tease me so bad for being like this on TV.” Harry thought about that, about how she was the same with him, as much as she loved when he got all soppy she never always used to tease him for it too. “We’re not here long if I’m honest with you James, a friend of ours is getting married next week, so we’ll be here for that.” Harry glanced atthe envelope that was sat on his coffee table, inside it was an invitation to a wedding that two weeks ago he hadn’t even thought about going to. But now he couldn’t think of anything he’d rather do.

“What’s up Haz, you alright?” Ben asked as he answered his phone from the control room at Late Late.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked, bluntly and to the point, biting his lilac and yellow nails as he did.

“Tell you what? Mate what are you on about?” Ben asked, clearly taken aback.

“About YN, that she’s with Timothee.” He muttered.

“We all just assumed you knew, you still follow her on instagram I thought you knew.”

“I muted her, knowing where she was and what she was doing wouldn’t have done me any good. Was she there? With him?”

“Do you really want the answer to that question?”

“Would I be asking if I didn’t?”

“Well yes, she is, but Haz I don’t think it's a good idea for you to come down here, I don’t want anything kicking off.” Ben sighed.

“I got an invite to that wedding, the one Timothee was talking about, I think I’m gonna go, for closure,” Harry explained.

“Just don’t get your hopes up H, they seem pretty loved up, don’t do anything daft.”

Harry hadn't really been bothered when he saw the wedding invite,but somehow knowing that she would be there, dancing the same way she always did, singing out of tune to every eighties song they played, it changed everything. It was one of those high profile weddings that gained a lot of media attention, it was typical of LA, something Harry had recently got used to. Intent on making a good impression he riffled through his wardrobe, looking for just one suit that he hadn’t worn before, and would make it seem like he had his shit together, which frankly he didn’t. He hadn’t shaved in weeks, his hair was a chaotic mess, so in some way he saw this wedding as a turning point, to prove he was alright.

It was the day of the wedding and Harry stared himself up and down in the mirror, he had spent the last week working out profusely in the gym, hoping that would make some sort of difference, he had recently had his hair trimmed, and had made the conscious effort to remove any trace of stubble from his chin. He’d managed to find a suit that was understated, yet still allowed his personality to shine through, a bottle green suit, paired with a white shirt and white shoes. He had no clue what he was going to do or what he would say if he saw her, he didn’t have a plus one, so he would most likely end up standing awkwardly talking to people he had worked with once or twice.

Harry loves love, and usually a wedding would be the appropriate place for him to express that love, but he couldn’t help but feel a fraud, as he arrived at the venue walking up the path that was littered with photographers he thought about his ulterior motive. The desperation he had to see the girl he once called his, the girl he stayed up until the early hours putting the world to rights with, the girl who would make the most delicious smoothies every morning, the girl who would run him a warm bath with his favourite bubbles and bath bomb when he’d had a long day at the studio. As he turned a corner towards the venue he saw them, in each other's arms, if you could define love with just a picture it would be that. She was looking up at him, her hands interlocked with his as they giggled about something mundane that would probably have them in stitches all day. Harry could tell that she adored Timothee, she seemed so content, and was still the beautiful girl he had once loved. Her hair fell in gorgeous curls, resting neatly on her shoulders, the colour of her baby pink dress matched the colour of his tie perfectly. Harry knew he had to bite the bullet at some point, he’d have to walk past them to enter the venue he couldn’t just stand there awkwardly.

The ceremony was beautiful, a true celebration of the love the two people shared. Once the ceremony had finished everyone made their way to the venue where the reception was being held. Everyone found their respective tables, Harry found his name on the list realising he was going to be sat with two people he probably didn’t want to be sat with. He sauntered awkwardly through the venue to the table, YN was sitting by herself, he assumed Timothee was getting drinks or something. “Hi.” he whispered softly.

“Hi,” she responded, “You’re sitting there I believe, '' she gestured to the seat across from where her and Timothee had been positioned.

“How’ve you been?” He asked, taking the seat across from her.

“Good, I’m better than I was.” She assumed he knew what she meant, and he did, he had hurt her badly, and now she was healed, he had only begun to realise he was hurt too.

“You look wonderful by the way.”

“Don’t. Don’t do that.” She told him sternly,

“Do what?”

“Play with me like that, you hurt me bad Harry, really badly, and for the first time in years I’m truly happy.”

“Hey dude it’s so good to see you,” Timothée placed his hand on Harry’s back in a way of greeting him, Harry couldn’t help but find his kind smile annoying.

“You too.” He shook his hand and returned to his seat.

“You alright angel?” Timothée asked her as he sat beside her, placing his hand on the small of her back, Harry couldn’t help but wince as he did, remembering when he used to do that and how much he had hurt her.

“I just don’t get it Harry, six years has never stopped anyone before.” She whimpered, sat on the sofa opposite him, he was doing everything he could to avoid eye contact with her, knowing it would only make what he intended to do even more painful.

“I can’t love you YN, we can’t work, you’re barely eighteen, I’m twenty four, the press have already got wind of it and it won’t take them long to work it all out.” He explained, the sincerity in his voice broke her heart, it baffled her that he could be so blunt about it, she had loved everything about the four months they had been together and she felt herself loving him more and more each day.

“Camille was eight years older than you Harry, what’s the difference?” He looked up at her, noticing the red puffiness of her eyes, the pinkness of her cheeks where her makeup had rubbed off from wiping away her tears. “Don’t tell me, it’s because she knew what she was doing, she didn’t have to tell you to go slow, you didn’t have to show her what to do the first time you were together. Harry. Fuck. Fuck you Harry. Fuck you. So is this it? Is this the end of us?”

“Yeah, I think it’s for the best.” he replied, combing his hand through his knotted hair.

“The best for you or the best for your fucking career?” She stood up, taking the few things she had left in his house and left, slamming the large door behind her.

YN loved a wedding, she also loved having a date at a wedding, she sat on Timothée’s lap, running her hand through his messy curls as he stroked her back soothingly. The reception was dragging on into the night and the two lovers had found themselves in the garden on one of the many benches, “You happy bubs?” She asked, cupping his cheek as she peppered him with a flurry of kisses.

“I’m happy cause I got you, my girl,” He assures her, reciprocating the kiss, pulling her close to his chest, “Are you alright? I get that it must be uncomfortable for you, with Harry being here.”

“I couldn’t be happier, I’ve got you, and that's all that matters to me, right imma go get another drink, you want anything?” He shook his head in reply as she stood up from his lap and made her way into the venue.

“You two look good together,” The voice startled her as she poured a glass of wine, she looked up at Harry, despite the fresh haircut he looked worse for wear. “How long have you two been together?”

“ten months, we met on the set of a film we were both working on.” She explained.

“Four months after we broke up?”

“With all due respect Harry, you were the one who did the breaking up. Congrats on the album by the way.” She said before turning to head back to her other half.

“Most of it is about you ya know.”

She looked at him blankly, not knowing what sort of reaction he was expecting from her, “That doesn’t make me special Harry, I’m just one of a long list of women, Kendall, Camille, Taylor and Me. And that’s just the ones you told me about.” She continued to head outside before turning on her heel, “You know what’s ironic? You might. e six years older than me, supposedly making you more mature than you, but Timmy is a mere two years younger than you and I have no qualms with trusting him, I don’t have to hover over my laptop waiting for the next picture of him to pop up with another woman, I don’t have to pry when he comes home late from a night out. I don’t feel the need to seek his validation, I don’t have to ask if an outfit looks okay or if I look too bloated, because the four months we were together I constantly compared myself to the girls you’d been with before, thinking I wasn’t good enough for you, and I was right, because I wasn’t good enough for you.” Harry was left speechless, once she had finished she slipped out of the door, returning to her man, she was right, she was happier, and more loved than when she was with him, he knew he was going to have to accept that she had learnt to love someone else, and that someone could never be him.

#harry styles #harry styles imagine #harry styles fanfiction #fine line #lockscreen #timothee chamalet #timothee fanfic #timothee chalamet #timothee art #one direction #one direction memes #solo harry #fanfiction #harry styles best friend fic #best friend harry #choose love #stay home stay safe #treat people with kindness #timothee aesthetic

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