#and I definitely cannot hope to find someone else who feels so deeply.

[creative-anchorage]

The way I value people makes me wish I had someone like me in my life. Sometimes, I long for the same appreciation and understanding I give others. The way I care, treat, and love the people around me makes me hope I could meet someone exactly like me.

I have a happy personality and a sad soul. I can go from feeling incredibly confident to terribly insecure. I love hard but at times feel heartless. I'm outgoing yet prefer to be alone. I'm healing and hurting at the same time. I'm just trying to find balance.

You see I usually find myself among strangers because I drift here and there, trying to forget the sad thing that happened to me. You cannot make everyone think and feel as deeply as you do. This is your tragedy, because you understand them, but they do not understand you.

I think there's a point in your healing journey where you stop trying to convince other people to do the right thing. You just observe their choices, understand their character, and decide what you're going to allow in your life.

xxxxxx

[sillysiluriforme]

So glad you liked the other Chloe submission, thanks for the informative and entertaining response and the kind words from the comrades!

As before no worries if not interested but I did have a couple more thoughts, though be it these one's likely relate very specifically to teen Chloe so may not be useful/interesting but still.

Oh quick aside:

Not sure how prevalent Sabrina is, but the fact we see her dad encourage her master servant dynamic with Chloe, because it fits his definition of being "Useful" to society and how... Low key unhinged Sabrina can get about her usefulness not being utilized or acknowledge (Like with Marinette) is very interesting. Her & Chloe finding each other in canon is just like two people with hilariously complimentary but deeply unhealthy ideas forming a circular relationship of mutual self destruction.

Anyway, an interesting thing to me is how while Chloe does replicate the abusive behaviors taught (Andre) or demonstrated (Audrey,, Gabriel & Emilie) to her, she had already softened them without any real moral or empathic guidance.

Andre: He explicitly taught her cheating, extortion & threats are moral goods, and she does use them to try and win at things. But she doesn't actually utilize them that often or with as much intensity.

& like her father she uses money/gifts to compensate for shitty behavior but unlike him does, ya know, do things with Sabrina & is invested in their relationship outside of Sabrina's use as a tool.

& while she did use Sabrina as a shield in Zombisu, she also protected her in Ladybug, so its at least mote mutual as I cannot envision Andre doing anything for Chloe that really risks him.

Audrey: She's been impersonating her mother for years in a bid to earn her love but it didn't work until someone else made Audrey decide it was worthwhile & even then didn't seem to amount to much.

So while like Audrey she is antagonistic, haughty and rude, Chloe did actually demonstrate the ability to feel guilt (Zombisu but others too) & when Akumatized in the early series was not terribly murderous.

Compare that to Audrey who happily mulches her husband and daughter despite AKuma usually avoiding hurting their loved one's outside of indirect harm done by their warped attempts to protect.

Gabriel & Emilie: She clearly fucking hates that Adrien is making friends with people she hates and who hate her and is possessive of the relationship.

Yet until everything goes to hell, she doesn't really do much to try and stop him or undermine said relationships either. That is to say, she's already far less possessive & controlling than Emilie of Gabriel are.

Conclusion: So yeah while definitely not good, she had seemingly without much if any guidance, already made the abusive traits she picked up less toxic than those demonstrated by the adults around her.

Note: Also I always feel compelled to note this, but it is low key creepy Andre has been rewarding Chloe for impersonating his wife.

Like even if he's just instinctively recreating the dynamic he had with Audrey; not sure on that as they do seem to argue a lot.

Or is just using Chloe as an emotional crutch/ego-soothing proxy for Audrey's approval... Its still deeply messed up & unhealthy.

you're so smart @clemnoir was right you deserve sloppy head

I love thinking about child development when it comes to fictional characters, it's so fun...Also i don't care how much the show tries i will never have empathy for andre i hope he explodes into a fine mist

[ariaste]

hheeyy I am probably gonna buy your pirate book regardless, because it does sound wonderful, but just so I know what I'm getting my little ace brain into: the gizmodo article you linked described Brother Julian as having "a frankly inconvenient vow of celibacy" and i had terrible flashbacks of the way the dragon age 2 fandom talked about Sebastian so like. Does Julian *also* think his vow is inconvenient, or am I going to have to go in accepting that funny queer pirates who resolve things with polyamory is worth wincing through a few conversations where his suitors just Cannot Believe someone so hot doesn't want to fuck oh my we must save him from himself or. whatever the fuck. Again, i loved A Touch Of Gold And Iron so I do trust you, but I've had authors i trust suddenly and unthinkingly have their characters spout aphobic talking points before, so i just want a warning, i guess. Thank you and I promise this isn't intended as a judgement of any kind, just me making sure I'm taking care of myself

No worries! I have not seen any of the Dragon Age 2 discourse and I don't know who Sebastian is, but I think I can sort of glean from context what you mean.

The answer about Julian is a little spoilery for mostly worldbuilding and a bit of his character arc, but not plot. I'm gonna try to put it under a cut, but tumblr is broken sometimes, so if the cut does not work, I apologize to the general public.

Julian is a monk of the Vintish church, which is sort of "what if the Catholic church but make it The Enlightenment" -- their religion teaches that the pursuit of knowledge and Understanding is deeply holy and that the Emperor of Heaven filled the world with mysteries specifically because he wanted humanity to figure out his little puzzles. Monks of this church take vows not to give up all "sinful" things, but to give up the one thing that occupies their mind above all else and causes them to be distracted from the pursuit of knowledge. For some people that might be alcohol, or gambling, or an addiction, or wearing pretty clothes, or anger/resentment, or whatever. For Julian, that thing was sex. He is the most allosexual man who has ever lived. He LOVED sex. It was a source of pure joy and delight and fulfillment for him -- he's one of those people who can find something wonderful and attractive in pretty much everyone he meets.

There were some Urgent Circumstances fifteen years ago in his past where taking that vow was preferable to the alternative that would have happened if he hadn't taken it, so in that sense it was a tool that served a purpose -- it was at one point a deeply convenient way of saving his own ass. I also think it was an important lesson for Young Julian to realize that sometimes you have to make sacrifices and that sacrifices HURT.

However, whether he would say in hindsight now that it was inconvenient... I think he has mixed feelings. He's very good at nuance, Julian is, and so he recognizes that all his experiences have made him into the person who he is and that he has Learned and Grown and Gained Knowledge Of Himself, which he does sincerely believe is a holy and righteous thing -- he deeply values the journey that he has been on. But at the same time.... at his heart he's just a fun guy and secretly an absolute gremlin in his own ways, you know? And tools that were once useful and relevant do not always remain so. Hope that helps!! I am on the ace/demi spectrum myself, so I've got some irritating experiences of the ways that people write about ace characters and try to "fix" them -- this is definitely not that situation.

Also, just cause you mentioned you're ace -- FYI there isn't any on-page sex in the book, just lots of dumb sex jokes and flirting. :)

[emonaculate]

Bad Idea Right?

❥ AU: Modern

❥ Genre: Suggestive

❥ Rating: 18+, not super explicited but definitely not for kids.

❥ Pairing: Gojo x Black!Y/n

❥ Warnings Include: Mentions of cheating, failed situationship, Gojo is annoying and stupidly cocky, Y/n is NOT standing on business, poor choices, even poorer taste in men, complicated relationship, toxic?gojo

❥ Synopsis: Despite finals being around the corner, Y/n cannot bear to stare at one more quizlet set so she needs a good distraction; who better to be that distraction than a failed situationship that just so happens to be dating her roommate?

❥ Author Note: Midterm studying is kicking my ass and I needed to take a break to write something more entertaining than college calculus formulas. Inspired by Bad Idea by Olivia Rodrigo I obviously do not condone cheating but its Gojo.. would you turn him down?

Y/n's eyes strained as she stared at the computer screen, the heat radiating onto her bare thighs after over an hour of hunching forward, her back screaming in protest. Her thick, clear prescription glasses slid down her nose, weakened from countless drops and nights spent rolling onto them in her sleep. As a cramp began to form in her left leg, folded awkwardly in a butterfly position, she finally stood up, deciding it was the perfect moment for a break. With a decisive tap, she switched her phone to "do not disturb." Instantly, the magic barrier lifted; as soon as she turned it off, her phone buzzed to life with a flood of messages from her group chat, her friends eagerly reaching out.

Before Y/n could even skim the messages, a call from her roommate buzzed through, leaving a sour taste in her mouth. To say their relationship wasn’t the best would be an understatement. Y/n felt as if her roommate was dragging out a situation that had long since ended. Having transferred to Jujutsu Tech University for her junior year, Y/n, a foreigner with limited Japanese, had taken it upon herself to enroll in a Japanese elective. That was where she met the source of her current woes: a white-haired biochemist major with mesmerizing starlit sapphire eyes. Gojo had been assigned as her student tutor, intended to create a casual atmosphere for practicing the language. The plan worked a little too well. Y/n might have needed glasses to see clearly, but she wasn’t blind. Gojo was the most stunning man she had ever encountered. Clad in an oversized university sweatshirt, a black collared shirt peeking from underneath, and baby blue Converse laced with a star pattern, he had an effortless charm that was hard to resist. What surprised her even more was his apparent interest in her; perhaps it was her uniqueness that drew him away from the usual crowd of girls who orbited his charisma.

None of that mattered anymore; their fling had barely lasted beyond a few dates, some casual hookups, and hangouts. Y/n had realized she wasn’t ready for a relationship with a man who seemed overly friendly with other women. At this stage in her life, she didn’t want to waste energy trying to make someone act right. After all, their connection had been mostly about mind-blowing sex and friendship—so what difference did it make if she suddenly put an end to the physical side? Gojo could certainly find someone else to satisfy him. Despite being the one to end things, Y/n was confident it was for the best. So, imagine her surprise when her roommate came home one day, bubbling with excitement about a date with Gojo Satoru. Trying to be mature and avoid any drama, Y/n attempted to downplay her past with him. She casually mentioned it, hoping to prevent any misunderstandings. Sara took it well at first, only seeming bummed out that having Gojo Satoru wasnt a special prize that was only obtained by the few. However Sara changed once she realized how deeply the two had been involved and were still close. Y/n still remembered the feeling of being slapped awake after falling asleep studing at their shared kitchen area.

To sum up that altercation and not bring too much attention to the police report that might have been written up; Y/n simply did not like her roommate. The only reason they still lived together was that Y/n refused to let anyone drive her out of her own home, and breaking the lease would be too costly. Chewing on her bottom lip, Y/n let her phone ring for a comically long time before finally answering.

"Hey, Sara."

"Y/n. Have you heard from Satoru?" Sara's voice came through blunt and unwelcoming.

"Not since the last time I hung out with him, which was months ago," Y/n replied, matching Sara's tone.

She couldn’t help but feel a twinge of satisfaction in reminding her roommate of their agreement: that Y/n would back off and let Sara and Gojo’s relationship develop in a respectful manner. The silence that followed was thick with tension, and Y/n could almost feel the wheels turning in Sara's mind.

"If he comes by tell him to call me… please" A hint of desperation was heard in Sara's voice as she quickly ended the phone call, leaving Y/n to feel confused and almost sorry for the girl.

Y/n held her phone for a moment, contemplating before dialing a number without thinking. The smile that spread across her face when he answered wasn’t from happiness—it was just a reflex.

“Hey, Pretty.” His teasing voice came through coolly, the background loud and rowdy; he was undoubtedly with his friends.

“Stop with the pet names, fool. Sara is looking for you.”

“I know. I’m avoiding her on purpose,” he replied, a smirk evident in his tone.

“But how can I help you?”

Y/n rolled her eyes, though she couldn’t suppress a grin. “Just thought you should know she’s been asking about you. Sounds like she’s really into this whole dating thing.”

“Yeah, well, I’m just not ready for all that right now,” he said, laughter bubbling beneath his words.

“What about you? How’s life treating you?”

“Complicated,” she admitted, her voice playful. “But at least I don’t have to deal with clingy roommates.”

“Hey, I’m not clingy! I’m just a good listener,” he shot back. “And a fantastic tutor, if I remember correctly.”

“Please, the only thing you taught me was how to get distracted,” Y/n teased, “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you enjoyed those study sessions a little too much.”

“Guilty as charged,” he replied, his voice dropping to a mock-serious tone. “But can you blame me? You make studying way more fun.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere,” she said, though the smile was unmistakable in her voice.

“Challenge accepted. But just so you know, I’m up for it,” Gojo said, a hint of mischief in his tone. “So, when are we having our next ‘study session’?”

“Only if you promise to keep your hands to yourself this time,” she shot back, laughing.

“Where’s the fun in that?” he countered, and Y/n felt a flutter of excitement.

That was the danger of being around Satoru—he was as addicting as he was handsome. His charm knew no bounds, and Y/n felt like a snake entranced by a snake charmer; Gojo's voice could persuade her to do just about anything. The way he spoke to her, with that playful confidence, always made her heart race. It was exactly that kind of charm that had led her to make some reckless decisions. She couldn’t help but remember the night they’d jumped off a waterfall together. He had dared her, coaxing her with that irresistible grin, and for some stupid reason, she had said yes.

"Y/n, come on! It’ll be fun!” he had insisted, his blue eyes sparkling with mischief. “What’s life without a little thrill?”

She could still feel the rush of adrenaline, the cold water shocking her system as they plunged into the darkness. But that moment had left her with more than just memories; it had left her with a permanent scar on her ribcage, a reminder of her reckless leap into the unknown. As they chatted, she felt the familiar pull again—the urge to throw caution to the wind and dive headfirst into whatever crazy adventure he proposed next. But she also knew the risks. With Gojo, it was always a fine line between exhilaration and chaos, and she wasn’t sure how much more of either she could handle.

“Yeah, not this time, 'Toru. Sara might put Nair in my shampoo bottle if she caught you hanging out with me.” They shared a laugh, both fully aware that Sara would absolutely consider it—and Y/n couldn’t help but think it would be entirely warranted.

“Yeah, she would definitely try to mess you up, pretty,” Gojo mused, the background noise fading away. He must have stepped away from the crowd to focus on her.

Y/n felt a twinge of guilt at the way his pet name sent a flutter through her. It was sweet, but it also felt wrong. She knew Sara could be overbearing and a bit controlling, but if the roles were reversed, Y/n wouldn’t like it if the guy she was dating—or whatever this situation with Sara and Gojo was—talked to another girl the way he was talking to her. After all, that was precisely why she had stepped back from Gojo months ago.

“Look, I don’t want to cause any drama,” she said, trying to keep her tone light but serious.

“I just think it’s best if you focus on your new thing with Sara. I don’t want to complicate anything.”

“Complication? Nah, we’re just friends, right?” he replied, but there was a hint of playfulness in his voice that made her heart race.

“Besides, it’s not my fault if you’re so easy to talk to.”

“Easy to talk to? Or easy to flirt with?” Y/n shot back, trying to keep it playful despite the underlying tension.

“Both,” he said, his voice lowering to a conspiratorial whisper. “But I promise, if things get messy, I’ll handle it. Just don’t shut me out completely, Y/n.”

Y/n hesitated, caught between wanting to keep her distance and the undeniable chemistry that sparked whenever they spoke. Shit, her resolve was cracking fast.

"Goodbye, Gojo." Just as she moved to hang up, his voice cut through the speaker. The usual playfulness was replaced with a gentler tone, almost a whisper as if he were afraid that speaking any louder would scare her away.

"Come see me, since I can't come to you. I’ll help you study for your economics exam. I know you hate studying alone, and the graphs confuse you. Just come, please…"

His plea hung in the air, and Y/n felt her heart race. It was hard to resist his charm when he sounded so sincere, and the thought of studying together brought back memories of their late-night sessions filled with laughter—and a little more.

“Gojo…” she started, feeling the familiar pull of temptation. “You know this is complicated.”

“I know, but it doesn’t have to be. Just a study session. Nothing more,” he said quickly, his tone earnest. “I promise I’ll keep it strictly academic. I just want to help.”

Y/n bit her lip, torn. Part of her wanted to say no, to protect herself and the boundaries she had set. But another part craved the connection, the familiarity of being around him again.

“Okay, but just studying,” she finally replied, unable to hide the hint of a smile.

“Great! I’ll even prepare snacks,” he replied, the playful edge returning to his voice. "Just don’t blame me if you end up distracted.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll see you soon, Satoru.” As she hung up, Y/n couldn’t shake the feeling that she was stepping into dangerous territory, but a thrill coursed through her at the thought of seeing him again.

Y/n applied lip gloss in the Uber, a little gift from Gojo, and wondered if she should have opted for something else. She had chosen a casual look to keep things laid-back: a black wife beater, gray sweatpants, and a pair of slides. Comfort was her priority, but a part of her felt a twinge of doubt about her appearance. She had decided to wear her glasses instead of her contacts, and her mini twists were pulled into a ponytail, with a few stubborn pieces escaping to frame her face. To top it off, she doused herself in mocha vanilla perfume and slathered on shea butter, reasoning that she didn’t want to smell bad after spending hours studying in her room. Never mind that she’d already taken a shower and done a deep scrub—she wanted to feel fresh for the occasion. As the car pulled up to Gojo's place, she felt a mix of excitement and nerves. Would he notice her effort, however casual it was? Or would he tease her for being overdressed for a study session? The thought made her smile. Taking a deep breath, Y/n stepped out of the car and smoothed her outfit, reminding herself to keep it cool and casual—just like they had agreed.

But as she walked toward the apartment complex entrance door, she couldn't shake the feeling that today might be anything but ordinary. She smiled at the staff who greeted her at the front desk while signing in, then headed up to that familiar room number, 1025. Standing outside the door, she balanced her tote bag—filled with her laptop, notebook, and pens—in one hand while she knocked with the other. After a few moments, the door swung open, and there he was in all his perfection. Gojo’s white hair glistened with moisture, droplets trickling down from his locks; he must have just finished showering. A black muscle t-shirt clung to his chest, accentuating his toned physique, while oversized red basketball shorts hung loosely on his hips.

“You could have told me you were here, and I would have met you downstairs,” he scolded playfully, stepping aside to let Y/n in. As she entered, Y/n remembered another thing she had overlooked about Satoru: the fact that he was absolutely loaded. He could easily afford to pay rent without a roommate, which meant he often enjoyed his solitude. Sure, his friends loved to hang out at his place, but when he wanted alone time, he had it. It completely slipped Y/n’s mind that the two of them would be entirely alone.

“Uh, hey,” she said, trying to play it cool despite the sudden flutter in her stomach.

“Don't be weird. Make yourself comfortable,” he said, gesturing to the spacious living area. The room was adorned with an eclectic mix of furniture and decor that reflected his laid-back style.

“I was just about to grab a snack. Want anything?”

Y/n shook her head, still trying to absorb the atmosphere. “I’m good, just here to study.”

“Sure, sure. But you know, studying is more fun with snacks.” He flashed that trademark grin that always made her heart skip a beat.

“Is that your way of saying you plan to distract me?” she teased, settling into a nearby chair.

“Maybe,” he replied with a wink, leaning casually against the door frame.

“But you know you love it.” Y/n couldn’t help but smile back, feeling the weight of tension ease just a bit. This was going to be interesting.

Y/n settled into the plush chair, her laptop open in front of her as Gojo moved to sit on the edge of the coffee table, facing her. He spread out her notes and textbooks, a mix of graphs and theories that had been driving her nuts for weeks.

“Alright, let’s tackle this economics stuff,” he said, his tone upbeat. “What’s tripping you up the most?”

Y/n sighed, glancing at the graphs. “Honestly? All of it. I just don’t get how demand curves work. It’s like trying to read hieroglyphics.”

Gojo leaned in closer, his proximity making her heart race. “Here, let me show you.” He pointed at one of the graphs, his finger tracing the line as he explained. “So, this curve represents how much of a product consumers are willing to buy at different prices. Think of it like… a date with me. The more fun I am, the more you want to be around, right?”

Y/n couldn’t help but laugh, shaking her head. “That’s a terrible analogy, Gojo. You’re just trying to distract me.”

“Maybe a little,” he admitted, a playful glint in his eyes. “But seriously, if the price goes up, people want less. Just like if I started charging for my charming company.”

“Right,” she said, rolling her eyes. “You’d be broke in a week.”

“True, true,” he replied, leaning back and crossing his arms behind his head. “But just think about it. If I offered you a discount for an extra hour of my time, would you take it?”

“Stop,” Y/n laughed, trying to refocus. “Let’s stick to the graphs.”

“Fine, fine. But you have to admit, I’m making this way more interesting,” he said, giving her a teasing smile.

Y/n leaned closer to her laptop, but the tension was palpable.

“Okay, okay. What about this next graph?”

As Gojo started explaining again, Y/n found her gaze drifting to him—how the light caught the contours of his face, how animated he was as he spoke. The more he talked, the more her focus wavered.

“Y/n?” he said suddenly, pulling her back to the moment. “You still with me?”

“Yeah, of course!” she replied, though her cheeks felt warm.

“I’m just… trying to absorb the genius here.”

“Genius, huh?” he grinned, clearly pleased. “Flattery will get you everywhere.”

“Just stating the obvious,” she shot back, but her smile betrayed her.

He leaned in closer again, the playful banter turning more intimate. “You know, if you’re really struggling, we could take a break. I’m great at helping with… other types of studies.”

“Other types?” she echoed, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah,” he said, his voice dropping to a playful whisper. “You know, like finding out what makes you tick. What you really want.”

Y/n’s heart raced, and she felt the warmth spread across her cheeks. “Gojo, we’re supposed to be studying!”

“Studying can wait,” he said, his gaze locked onto hers, the air thick with unspoken tension. “Right now, I just want to know more about you.”

Before she could respond, Gojo leaned in closer, the air between them crackling with an electric tension that made studying economics feel like a distant memory. Y/n felt her eyes flutter shut, anticipation swirling within her. She had spent months trying to ignore the undeniable pull between them, but now, with him so close, she realized there was no way they could remain just friends given their history.

“Y/n,” he murmured, his voice low and wanting, sending a shiver down her spine. There was a flicker of something deeper in his gaze, a longing that mirrored her own.

“ 'Toru,” she replied, her voice barely more than a whisper, caught between curiosity and an ache she couldn’t deny. She wanted to unravel the mystery of his feelings, to understand what lay beneath that confident exterior.

“Do you really think we can pretend this isn’t happening?” His smirk was playful, yet his eyes held a vulnerability that drew her in. The warmth radiating from him enveloped her, urging her closer.

Y/n’s heart raced, torn between fear and exhilaration. “I—” But before she could finish, Gojo closed the distance, capturing her lips in a kiss that felt like a revelation.

It started soft and tentative, but quickly deepened into something fervent, as if they were both trying to bridge the gap of all those unspoken months. Y/n's hands made their way to his white locks and Satoru couldnt get enough of how addictive her lips and soft whimpers were. In that moment, everything else faded—the textbooks, the pressures, the uncertainty. It was just them, and Y/n felt alive for the first time in what felt like ages. When they finally pulled apart, breathless, Gojo’s playful grin returned, but it was laced with something more lustful.

“So… friends, huh?” he teased, raising an eyebrow. But Y/n could see the truth behind his words. They were no longer just friends; they had crossed a line, and there was no going back. Not now. Not after this.

"Friends." Y/n echoed, her voice unsteady, the word feeling heavy with all that was left unsaid.

"Mm.. Let me show you how good friends take care of one another" Gojo replied, his tone shifting from its usual playfulness to something darker, more condescending.

In a fluid motion, he flipped her to face the couch, the sudden change sending a thrill through her body. Y/n had forgotten that despite her size; Satoru could toss her around as if she were weightless to him. Before Y/n could fully process what was happening; Gojo sank to the floor, positioning himself in between her legs with an ease that took her breath away. Y/n gasped sharply as she felt him pull her sweats down to reveal her ass in cute basic yellow panties.

"Always so pretty for me." He murmured in a trance-like state.

His touch to her bare skin ignited a warm blaze that spread through her body; everywhere he touched felt like it was on fire and nothing would put it out.

" 'Toru..." She mewed breathlessly, arching her back into his touch as she fisted the throw blanket on the couch.

Satoru drank in the sight of the delirious girl as his fingers glided over her bare skin before he made his way back to her ass prepared to peel her now damp panties off and do what he had been deprived of for months. Y/n felt a rush of vulnerability mixed with excitement as she felt Satoru's finger poke at where she needed him most. His touch was both tender and reverent, as if he were discovering something precious.

"Satoru, please." Y/n turned to look back over her shoulder to be met with the sight of a man barely holding onto his sanity.

"First you give me the taste of the best pussy I've ever had. Next, you leave me and cut off my supply. Then, you ignore and avoid me for months. Whatever I do to this pussy... my pussy; its your fault." He smacked her ass harshly, watching the skin jiggly back into place before pulling her underwear down to be met with the sight of her dripping cunt.

"My pretty girl, I know you've missed me. It's not my fault, your mama is stubborn and so damn prideful but I'm gonna fix all that tonight. Daddy will make it all better." He cooed, rubbing a single digit up and down Y/n's sopping wet core.

Y/n bit her lip in anticipation, she hadn't realized that Satoru was actually upset with how she ending things and knowing how petty the man could get; all she could do was be quiet and hope that the time of them being separated was enough to make him skip the teasing get down to what they both needed. His voice brought her out of her thoughts.

"Hey, is this too much? Tell me to stop and I will." He whispered, his voice hoarse from restraint.

Y/n shook her head immediately, breathless and wide-eyed. The fear of crossing the line again evaporated from her mind, eclipsed by the magnetic pull between them. All that mattered to Y/n at the moment was how good Satoru eating her pussy from the back was about to feel and just how much she missed him. Gojo let out a chuckle and connected his mouth to where she needed him most. Each caress and flick of his magical tongue became a promise, a silent acknowledgment of the feelings they both had danced around for too long. Y/n knew what she was doing was wrong but when it feels this good... should it even matter?

[power-handmaiden]

what I want to (re?)gain from reading all these tinglers.

Long ass personal ramble below because this is my blog where I ramble about things now

I used to draw all the time and even longer ago I used to write and at some point I just stopped because I got hung up on whether I was "good" at these things things or whether it was a waste of my time creating such "trivial" things rather than art with "meaning" or maybe of I should be spending my time on more "useful" skills. Why write if you're just going to write gay fanfiction? But when I tried more "serious" things to "develop my skills" and also do things like proofread and edit, it just wasn't fun anymore and the hobby was dropped. Drawing lasted longer and I never dropped it so completely but I think smartphones put a damper on it. Once we all got little Google machines in our pockets I was never just out somewhere doodling freely, there was always the option to look up a reference, to draw the thing Correctly, and then time would pass where I was trying to find a picture of a ram's horns at just the right angle, and my number at the DMV would be called or whatever else I was waiting for would demand my attention and I would never even set my pencil to paper in these moments when I used to doodle.

I also felt like I could never express sexual ideas as much as I wanted to because of the "quality" of my work. Making "bad" art was one thing, everyone in the learning process does that, but sharing "bad" sexual art? Well, everyone on the internet forums I frequented was *justified* in reposting their art to mock them and linking to their online galleries for passersby to point and laugh personally, I thought at the time. How dare they be horny and express it in an appropriate adults-only space without mastering their craft first!

There's a lot holding me back. I deeply miss drawing and writing. I miss how freely I used to be able to just do them without the mental block telling me I need to run certain steps for Quality when I never did intend to do these creative things as a profession or anything?

Why is it so easy to sit down and "waste time" playing a video game or scrolling the internet, but so hard to spend the same amount of time drawing something for fun?

here's where Chuck Tingle comes in. He is someone who just DOES IT. This is the writing of someone who is not overthinking the process like I am when I become too paralyzed to create. And, I cannot stress this enough. IT'S SO GOOD. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. So much fun, joyful art has come from a process that I had convinced myself was something to be reined in and feared. The free act of creation that I'd convinced myself was nothing if I didn't learn to refine it into something "respectable". Ideas that would definitely not have passed a committee vote but make the process of reading all these stories one after another so exciting.

Even when I hit the occasional one like today that doesn't hit well anymore, it's evidence of someone who was creating from the heart, in the moment. Weirdly, they make me feel that yearning even stronger, with the knowledge that I know I'll love future stories.

I still haven't gotten there yet but I hope the love I find in these stories eventually breaks down the mental walls I've built and makes me feel free again to DRAW SOME GODDAMN LESBIAN FURRIES.

[rawliverandgoronspice]

The more time goes on, the more I think we (= westerners, especially white westerners) are just so fucking bad at guilt. I feel like guilt is among the most pernicious and dangerous emotions out there --not because guilt is literally deadly in isolation, it is an excruciating emotion but it will not kill you in itself, but because we have been trained to associate guilt with worthlessness (I partially blame christian values, the idea of impurity and sin --not to downplay, of course, the danger of a community judging you or being expelled from that community on the basis of being considered a danger to its other members due to the thing you've done that has been generating this guilt), and so we must, absolutely must, protect ourselves from simply feeling that guilt and processing its cold indifference washing over us, and we must do so through any means necessary. This can involve defensiveness, denial or reject of that guilt altogether so we are mentally protected from having to reevaluate ourselves and our place in the world, or can involve wallowing in and using it to self-harm --focusing on the pain and on self-hate rather than on what the guilt is telling us about ourselves and our heritage; blinding ourselves to it still in a twisted way.

I think it's also complicated to know how to manage guilt in a world where we're generally (as a whole) deeply powerless. It feels unfair to be called out about not doing enough when you know that pulling even mediocre heroics on your own will most definitively do almost nothing, hurt you, and be buried in a way that might be extremely unhelpul --not to mention, that it would actually hurt you in a very real and final way and lead to entirely thankless results, even if it was the morally correct thing to do. I do not want to pretend that it's not, very often, the results that awaits even serious and well-practiced activism --or even mild activism, major shoutout to everybody who got maimed or arrested or even killed on zero basis simply because they happened to be at or even near a protest, when they were not brutally attacked for no reason even outside of activism because an officer was racist or sexist or queerphobic or simply bored that day. There are genuinely good reasons to be scared.

So we feel guilt because of this fear, because of our isolation from any serious movement and the fact that we privilege our comfort over letting action taking over whatever else we have going on, and because fear and comfort knowingly keep us into inaction --or action that doesn't feel like enough, or that we feel doesn't achieve much of anything (which I think is never true: even giving someone a glimpse of hope for a second because we made an effort towards them is always always worth it in my opinion, it's not nothing and it's not a cop-out --of course it's not enough and we collectively need to find ways to do more, but it's not nothing and it should never discourage people from taking action --but I digress). But I think we start making a mistake when we point at this very real powerlessness as a shield from the guilt. Both can coexist. Both have to coexist. It isn't fair that some people are being forced to be courageous when we can afford to remain cowards. It is not even a moral judgement that condemn our souls forever, weakness is human and lack of individual reach against an overwhelmingly powerful and removed system even more so; it is a simple fact that we *have* to acknowledge if we want to take a clear look at the actual situation instead of camouflaging it behind self-justifying walls to give ourselves temporarily relief from that awful feeling. And I'm not saying it's not a constant effort, to keep those instincts of self-preservation at bay, or that some people don't have really good reasons that they cannot act more than through social media or miniscule donations or by talking about it around them, or being powerless to even do that without putting themselves into real and concrete danger --or that letting guilt in will be pleasant or even healing. It won't be. But it's also not the point.

Yeah, I get that it's hard to truly reckon with the fact that almost everything that made us (= westerners, especially white ones) is soaked with blood, imperialism, white supremacy, sexism, queerphobia, and a whole sweve of truly rancid ideologies that we cannot afford to passively accept as our lot. We were not given a choice in that legacy, and we don't have a ton of leverage over reorienting our haunted civilizations into something that isn't a horrible nightmare; but it is a fight that is happening right the fuck now.

I genuinely think guilt is a feeling we are not taught to handle in a healthy way; and because we have essentialist, pseudo-religious and punitive justice concepts terminally untangled with that feeling, guilt governs our politics and our private lives in the most rabid and unchecked way imaginable. But guilt will not kill us, unless we allow it to, and it will help literally nobody if it does. Guilt isn't evil in its soul-crushing pain as much as it is informative. Guilt is unbearable, unfliching clarity. But fever boils us alive because there is an infection that needs to be destroyed.

[cringefailcabitha]

sorry i dont have tumblr (i only use it to stalk cabby art LOL) and idk if youll answer this but i am known as the cabby yapper by my friends so i wanted to bring this up to someone who thinks about her as deeply as me

do you ever like think about how terrifying mephones plan for a season 4 would have been to cabby specifically? out of all of the final 3 she has been hurt by the game the most (with no closure mind you unlike balloon), i think having to go through everything again would genuinely break her. even if shes less misunderstood the game still puts pressure onto her to be a facts machine, a strategist. when shes literally the kindest person ever, trying to comfort silver (despite his constant mistreatment of her), and sacrificing almost every post merge challenge for the sake of somebody else (i.e giving up her inani-mate for yinyang, sacrificing herself in episode 13 to put herself on the line with yinyang even if she was manipulating them out of obligation, AND EPISODE 15 SHE DEFINITELY WOULD HAVE WON IF SHE HAD USED HER FILES and completely foiling blueberrys plan, but she didnt because she cared about bot)

in the episode when shes reading the file, the screen actually starts shaking a little. implying she was absolutely horrified at what she was reading. and she had every single right, especially considering what shes gone through.

the other thing that’s absolutely insane to me is the fact that this information was conveyed to her via a file. aka her disability aid, something she relies on. that mustve been horrifying to see something so person to her used against her in such a way.

sorry i regurgitated a lot of this info from the shut i put on tiktok. im just genuinely crazy about cabby

ALSO UR A CABTUBE TRUTHER IM LITERALLY SO IN LOVE WITH CABTUBE i am lesbian cabbys number one truther and see her shipped with men far too much. but like i was so hoping test tube would at least apologize or something. it irritates me how they can make one sided silvercandle canon but they cant show us anymore one-sided cabtube. just make her blush or something. but tbh it made me emo when test tube (and pb bc they nodded) oraised cabby, it made me genuinely crazy.

also unshout out to everyone bullying cabby this episode genuinely why were half of them so mean please let silver Die slowly and painfully. also if lifering (i hc him and cabby as father and daughter, like u cannot convince me lifering and floory arent her dads) switched up on cabby i will personally take his soul like the grim reaper he will be seeing these hands.

sorry feel free to ignore this!

-🍭

😭 I was for real thinking about that earlier today like hasn’t she been through enough… Yes Cabby is a very competitive person but after everything that happened to her in this season and the fact that she’s Still in a vulnerable place right now I don’t think she would find it particularly enjoyable to not receive a prize and then immediately be thrust into a new season of competition— and as a team leader, no less.

Test Tube thanking her for apologising was,,, weird to me. I literally rolled my eyes. It gave me the impression that she (and Paintbrush) think Cabby *should* be apologising to everyone for making some of them uncomfortable? And I just don’t agree. As polite as it is, I think it’s way overstating her actions. Like… why is it “right” to apologise to the entire jury for her past behaviour making “some of them uncomfortable” pre episode 7 when she had never even worked with half of them when said behaviour was supposedly occurring? It’s so frustrating to me, like… how much smaller does she have to make herself for them to be satisfied? I don’t get it.

And of course, “making them uncomfortable” thing again comes back to her files. It’s basically impossible for her not to internalise the idea that keeping information is bad because she Might get things wrong (which. Is another thing. As far as we’ve seen, her writing is almost always correct, barring Bot which is an obvious outlier, and erroneously attributing Suitcase turning on her alliance in season 2 to Balloon’s manipulation.) In episode 15 too, aka the worst Test Tube episode to me, she says Cabby thinks everyone is just “what she happened to write down” as if Cabby is careless and doesn’t do her due diligence when writing her files. Which to me directly contradicts her calling Cabby’s Fan file “impeccable” and having “so many notes” back in episode 2?

And as for Test Tube’s assertion that Cabby would turn on her the moment she stopped being useful, and that she treated everyone like chess pieces on her little board, it really felt like her jumping to conclusions because of what happened with Fan. Because she has done that to no other member of the Pinkers. And there is way less manipulation on Cabby’s part in the show than Test Tube’s irritation would have it seem.

I’m not sure if the writers intentions were to make Cabby as manipulative as Silver from the beginning, but if it was and that’s why this is all going on, well. Mission status isn’t exactly a success to me— the only manipulation she does is in episode 2, when she tries to get Bot to vote out Fan (and presumably the rest of the team as well), and episode 7, where she makes a big show of approaching Silver about how it would be better for him to stack the ice cream because, knowing him to be lazy and careless, it would increase the odds of him screwing up the challenge and make it easier to vote him out.

I’m at least relieved that Test Tube seems to have been thinking about things whenever Cabby says something self-effacing or seems to be nice, because it gives me hope that she may finally realise she’s been taking it too far and maybe Cabby will get an apology, but the fact that she’s been just sitting on it for like 3 episodes by now is killing me,

[inkybloom-luv]

Words Unsaid 3, the crumpled page

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Ahsbjsbsjs putting this A/n here today?? Ausbshshs I hope y'all eat this one up too ngl cause the feedback has been,, immaculate sjsbsjsbshshshshdh not over it at all y'all make me giggle and kick my feet <33333

Can be read as x reader since I don't usually put the name down

635 words

Part 1 Part 5

Part 2 Part 6

Part 4 Part 7

tw: mention of near death (drowning)

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It's been a while since I wrote a letter, I misplaced the last paper and cannot find it, so I'm starting a new one. I wish I had very much more to say but I haven't been seeing you and I've been so exhausted I've reached my breaking point. Heck. I almost drowned, simply because the water breathing potion wore off early. I guess being out of this world does that. But it hasn't stopped me from panicking. I'm recovering fine but it's very lonely in ramshackle. I already mentioned I have barely any friends and the ones I do have are very busy. Jack comes from time to time and Leona sends Ruggie to check on me. Winter holidays are starting soon. Will you be leaving? I hope I'll see you before you do. I want to look at you again, see those pretty eyes one more time before you're gone for a while.

I'm not sure it's a crush that I feel for you. I'm not saying I would see you as a friend or anything, I definitely feel romantic feelings for you, but my concern is they feel.. stronger than a simple crush should. I long to kiss you, hold you. I want you to love me as I do you. Jamil Viper, you have my heart.

I've made up my mind to visit Scarabia today. I heard the dorm is staying here. I want to see you. I need to see you. I'm so happy to see you.

The housewarden Kalim had something floating around his eyes when he was acting up. A spell. But I haven't seen it before. It was odd, pretty even. It reminded me of you but I've hardly a clue what spell it is, when I get back to ramshackle, I'll be researching, surely that spell is the cause of your woes. And I will find out what it is, if only to slightly lighten the burden placed on you. You who is like a walking dream, the most wonderful of desert mirages. I wish I could tell you to your face.

The paper was crumpled and slightly ripped at the edges. Ink had somewhat covered a large portion of the paper that held scribbles about theories of what was going on, and further ramblings about just how beautiful the writer thought he was, how they longed for him, loved him even. And it was not Inky that held it. Dark eyes skimmed the text that grew more and more unreadable. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Blast it all. Hissing filled his ears. Hissing that was not there. His mind played tricks, not yet recovered from the heavy strain his body had been under. He hated it all, hated how he had accidentally blinded himself. How he'd overlooked something so obvious, she did always wear her heart on her sleeve.

He wished he could read more, but he'd dripped it full of ink. He'd crumpled it. He'd thrown it aside. By coincidence it wound up in his grasp again when he had returned to Scarabia, sitting down to rest his aching and unrecovered legs.

Jamil messed up. He really did. He felt blind and stupid and most of all he felt crushed, he was sure that the prefect no longer felt that way about him. He was sure she hated him now. How else would anyone feel if they'd have done to them what he'd done to her? For the first time he deeply regretted lashing out at someone. His anger wasn't even directed at her. He felt his eyes glaze over, blinking away his tears. It was his fault. But maybe. Maybe he could express himself, his sorrow and his apologies. He would have to. If only to selfishly soothe the painful feeling in his chest.

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@leonistic

@azulashengrottospiano

@dove-da-birb

@krenenbaker

[buffkitties]

I generally agree for the most part on that. Though I am okay with the idea that his pet dog when he was little was named "Lucky". Like I headcanon a gradual shift in Nagito's mindset. Where early on as a kid he thinks maybe he does have good luck, despite some the occasional misfortune. To around Hope's Peak (and during the NWP) where he's becoming increasingly doubtful and desperately clinging to the idea of there being a balancing act. To becoming extremely jaded post-Tragedy, concluding that there is no cycle and that he's just got endless bad luck. With the apparent good luck simply being some cosmic trolling to get his hopes back up. At which point, yeah hearing people say he's lucky is something that deeply aggravates him. To the point of rejecting his Ultimate title.

(Forgot to answer earlier) I'd honestly say that Komaeda post-tragedy would abandon the idea of talent, to be honest. Aside from the worry and familiar rituals to him, like avoiding specific scenarios and straying away from crowds, plus removing himself from situations the moment something worrying happens—since he cannot escape it, he can learn to live with it (like he has already done). I doubt he'll ever let go of his luck completely, but Komaeda states all the time that he finds his talent disappointing in the very least and expresses discomfort for it, and he doesn't exactly seem to consider himself "lucky" in a good sense, but rather just a title, or obligation.

Also, speaking of his childhood dog, I don't really care about it. I was just referring to people making sentimental or important things in his life a reference to luck, such as wedding rings, or someone and something he loves being named after luck in any shape or form, because there is no sentiment in luck for him except that he is cursed with it and feels like he has to worry about it, because if he doesn't, something surely will happen, and he'd rather be prepared for a situation in which it does since he already knows there's misfortune following him on every step.

As a kid, Komaeda would undoubtedly consider himself "fortunate" in some way, but that would quickly dissolve into trauma and paranoia as soon as he noticed that anywhere he goes and something good happens to him, an awful thing follows or someone gets hurt, and that the only one who gains anything from it is him.

Up until attending HPA, he admitted he didn't mind that sort of lifestyle since he most likely learned how to handle such things with isolation and strict rules, not a healthy habit but a bearable one, where he can live without too much stress, and anybody getting hurt.

However, when HPA invited him, that feeling of safety was gone due to his diagnosis and the fact that he was welcome to attend a school that he could provide nothing, nor even gain anything from himself because he was going to die, and because his talent wasn't a thing he thought the school would want. I doubt that he really thought of himself as truly lucky since all of those things were meaningless and pointless, and I believe that the only time he genuinely considered he had "good luck" coming to the academy was during the killing game because his life could finally amount to something, and since he would die anyway, he could use that to birth hope, as their world often preaches that you will never be something unless you can do just that.

You can also see him refer to his luck as a bad thing a lot. He genuinely thinks that he's unlucky, and when he uses the word "luck," it's almost never in a positive way, but rather because that means something bad is coming.

EX: "I feel so lucky right now that a few people could die!"

I wouldn't say that being called lucky would aggravate him, but he definitely doesn't enjoy it, and it stresses him out, as we can see because the ONLY times he talks about luck is when he's uncomfortable, worried, or somebody else mentioned it, so he talks about in the only way he sees it, which is a nuisance for him.

[morgana-ren]

This ask is about suicidal thoughts and the Bastard Four, so please ignore if needed. You mentioned this briefly with the Corvus pain ask, but how do they react if you are thinking or even trying to hurt or kill yourself? I have to imagine it happens. I know I would definitely go to some dark places in that kind of situation.

This is going to be one of those asks that if you're triggered at the mention of something, you're going to want to keep away entirely.

My triggers are not everyone else's and what I find lighthearted and 'normal' is usually very dark and disturbing for others and this, while hopeful and a good thing to me, could put someone already in a bad place into somewhere worse or do some serious damage. I cannot account for everyone, so really, if you're sensitive or just going through it, go ahead and forgo this one.

It is also long because it's just a complex topic.

I am speaking to my personal experience with mental health struggles and so this might not exactly align with your experiences, but mine are the only ones I have, and they stem from both mental illness and trauma and like, whatever else is spitting around up there.

Alright, so this is where things get purely speculative on my part (for Corvus especially) for a number of reasons. Keep in mind, I'm autistic and also have a litany of other issues and sometimes I genuinely have a problem not bringing it into other places. Corvus and these aus are not my characters alone; I only helped develop Corvus a little after the fact and love him very much and the others were made with help.

But sometimes when I speak to people, I do not realize what I have said is entirely inappropriate and bad and is not something you say to someone or put off on someone else, and I have moments where I realize I have gone really dark with things and this is not a conversation people want to have with me. It is not their responsibility to heal or soothe me through their characters or their effort, even if I don't mean it that way and I'm just curious about how they'd respond. I have to really remind myself "Hey, this isn't okay to say to someone and it's not fair to put this off on them" or "You cannot expect this person to play therapist through a character you love just because you love them."

There's things that I want to hear, obviously, because we all have ways we want people to care for and love us, but in order to get them, I'd really have to make things dark mentally and that's just not something most people want when they're talking about these types of things. It's stressful to them rather than cathartic. I already have massive issues with being myself because I am just so fucking strange and I don't like to do things I even remotely think are inappropriate, because if it's occurring to me, it surely is fucked up to someone else, you feel? My issues are my issues and making them open and known to the degree that it would take to truly approach this could really hurt/offend/scare/whatever someone who I value greatly, and that's not a risk I am willing to take.

It can be a comfort and so you reach for it. But it's not fair to put that massive weight on someone else's shoulders, and in order to get a true answer to that question, I'd have to drag someone I care about very deeply into my mental maelstrom and I need to remind myself that's not okay, even inadvertently. Even if it's hypothetical and not that big of a deal to me because they're my emotions. Me saying something offhandedly has been deeply worrying to others more times than I can count, and I need to pull back and remind myself that the way I deal with and cope about things can make people deeply uncomfortable. I can cope through fantasy, but expecting someone to build that fantasy for me is tiresome and miserable and can ruin a friendship.

So, when I answer this question, I am doing it with compounded knowledge that I have over all of the aus, things that seem like would be in character, and things that I need to tell myself because my paracosm demands it.

First thing's first: Corvus is a mind reader, and his section is the longest because I have the most in-depth examples of how he cares for things. He's been around the longest. It's more his wheelhouse and generally more of his purview. He is very attuned to people's thoughts and feelings, if for all the wrong reasons.

He got as far as he has by being very good at reading people and understanding the psychology of humans and learning to pluck the heartstrings. He doesn't usually snatch people on a whim. That's just not how he operates. There is absolutely a level of research and stalking that goes into it because he isn't going to grab someone he finds utterly insufferable. He doesn't like to kill people he sleeps with (finds it distasteful) so he'd rather not put himself in that situation. If he takes you, he knows, and he likes you, and is dedicated to it.

If he's watching you, trust me, he's going to be aware of your issues. He can hear your thoughts. He can feel your emotions. He is perfectly aware of what you're feeling when you're feeling it, even if you are not. He knows what the potential situations are here. If he takes you, he has decided that is a task he is willing to take on. He isn't going to grab you and then abandon you because 'it's too much' because then he wouldn't have taken you in the first place. It's almost impossible to find anyone that doesn't have years of shit to unpack anyways.

Having someone very mentally ill or very unwell isn't a reason he's going to turn away, it seems. Really, name one fully healthy person. When he is interested, he is interested, and he is aware of the 'downsides' and does not care. He may well approach things differently, but it's not a thing that he needs to deeply consider because it's 'too much.' He just goes 'noted' and then keeps it in mind and continues.

Corvus is usually the one doing the scouting. That or he is the one that the others turn to for confirmation because he is the pickiest and tends to know things about people at large that the others don't or don't care to know. He is the one that gets off the most on psychological manipulation. He is the one that would sense something was wrong first.

Having someone who 'isn't well' isn't something they turn from. But keep in mind, these are not good men. These are not heroes who do the right thing. These are not men you should aspire to love. These are villains and bastards and while they are attractive and deeply interesting, you should not use them to frame your behavior or thoughts or look to them for how a relationship should be. They will not always deal appropriately. They are stupid and selfish and rude and just horrible people. They're going to be fumbling about and guessing. They might tend up causing more damage and doing more harm than good sometimes.

In the beginning, it's different than it is at the end.

Corvus is going to know if you're having thoughts. He is going to make very sure that you know that it isn't an option. Your body isn't yours anymore. Your life isn't yours to take. When I say it isn't an option, I really mean it isn't. He could just resurrect you and he is not going to be happy. There literally is no escape. It sounds callous, but he is, especially in the beginning if he doesn't love you yet (sometimes he's already in love when he takes you, but other times it grows over time.)

He's going to have to walk a fine line, because his brand of bullshit is hard on people who are healthy mentally and have good healthy coping mechanisms. He doesn't want you that kind of broken. That's not what he's after. He's going to have to keep you held together while still satisfying himself and degrading and hurting you. It probably turns into manipulation extreme and can be a challenge, even for him.

Subtly and quietly building you up but still damaging you in different ways. He loves being the savior, but he also loves being the terror. He'd have to find a balance. Again with the masterful way he maneuvers things. He will pry out of you what it is you 'have' or what is wrong with you, and pretend not to care, but he'll be doing research on it later. A lot of it. He's going to find a way to make you better. Again, that kind of broken is not what he is looking for. He is going to seem callous and utterly dismissive but trust me, his brilliant little mind is going a million miles an hour.

He's not really looking to terrify you with trauma. He wants you afraid of him. Of what he can do. He wants to be your nightmare, not whatever else is skulking in your brain. That means trauma has to go bye-bye. There can only be one nightmare in your brain and it's not whatever haunts you. It's him.

He will get his hands on medications you need. He will do work to keep you stable and help get your mind on the up and up. He won't let you see a therapist for obvious reasons, but you'd be surprised by the sheer things he can accomplish. He is a cleric, and people are his dominion. He is capable of healing and hurting. On top of it, he knows what it is to hurt. He too is traumatized. You might actually get better help and healthcare from him than the average American citizen does from insurance and doctors. You can actually tell him what it is you're feeling in this regard, and he will actually try. Quietly, of course, but he will. A selfish sort of help initially, but he grows.

Constant checking in on you. Keeping around compulsively. Trying to keep you engaged and stimulated with things to do or books or whatever else have you. Hovering even if you don't know he is. Making sure even when he's tormenting you that you know he is watching. Making sure you take your medication. Keeping things out of your reach if he is worried. He has a tendency to treat you like a child in that way. He will abuse magic to do it. Cameras in the house. Keeping a constant eye on you. Watching meticulously to the point it is unnerving. He needs as much data as he can get to 'fix' this. You are his. You do not get to break yourself.

He's going to know. He always knows. Just know that. You're going to literally be physically incapable of acting on your urges and it is miserable. But he will catch on that just doing that isn't enough, and he needs to take an active role in your mind and healing.

It's one of those things. Sometimes you'll tell him to just get it over with. Just kill you. Just fucking get it over with. He'll look at you and just sigh with a cigarette in his hand and go "I think you have heavily misunderstood your purpose here. If I wanted you dead, you would be, girl. Never forget that. Your life is mine, and you are mine to do with as I please." You are his property. His. He doesn't break his own toys. You belong to him. You don't get to do that.

That's what you get from him. What he is actually thinking is difficult to know.

What I'm saying is in the beginning, he will never be vulnerable in the way that he will tell you he values you, but he will make sure you know that's not going to happen and to come to peace with it. Better to focus on healing because you will not get your way.

If you've got abandonment issues, and you just shut down and wait for him to get bored and tire of you, he's going to know that as well. He'll grab your face and just "You really think it's going to be that easy, hmm? You think me so fickle? So foolish?" He's going to turn it around on you and act like you've insulted him.

What I'm getting at is he doesn't handle it in the healthiest way. Confidence issues for example? Feeling horrible and just waiting for him to walk away because even someone who took you against your will can't stand you for long? Feeling useless and wretched? Just breaking down in that way? He's just going to tell you flat up that you need to work on that. He's not going to have a deep, intricate talk with you, but he'll just say it offhandedly. It's not changing his mind. He isn't going anywhere. You'll get over it. You will learn. Sometimes he doesn't understand the sheer gravity of the emotions you feel or how bad they are and of course you don't want to tell him.

He took you. Him. That means you're worthy. He doesn't take people who aren't worth his attention. You need to understand that. You're a foolish little thing and perhaps you haven't grasped the reality of your situation. He doesn't waste time. You are his his his-- and that should be your proof. He's very up his own ass so rather than focusing on you, he focuses on you through his own eyes.

Severe depression? You are getting out of bed if he has to drag you out. You are keeping busy. You are cooking and cleaning and being productive. You are reading and writing if he has to make you. He will make you. You will be eating if he has to shove it down your throat. You will be keeping active. The best cure is to force yourself out of it. He has been depressed. He has been cared for. He will try, but by fuck, you will hate it and hate him for it because he is that voice in your brain that nags and nags and forces you to do things you don't want to do. You will kick and scream and bite and more often than not have bruises to show for it. You will be getting out of bed. You will not win this fight with him.

If you are genuinely, genuinely unhappy with something later on (when he has very deep feelings for you) he is primed to be more open and honest. He will show a bit more vulnerability. He will be willing to make changes for you within reason. He will want you to know he loves you and he cares. He is still him, but he needs you to understand how he feels. That he wants to help. That he will listen to you and needs you to know how important it is to him even as it seems like he doesn't care. When he loves you, your happiness is important outside of the bedroom. You're his wife. He loves you so deeply it's terrifying. He is so bad with showing it and saying it, but there's something desperate about it. Sometimes feral. He will try to show it because saying it just doesn't do it. And even him showing it is subtle and self-serving. He's just bad at shit.

Because of this, when he comes to love you, this is something that is deeply important to him. He has lost so many people, he cannot lose another, especially like that. He would feel responsible and while he doesn't care about most death, he cares about you. He is going to do whatever it fucking takes to keep you here (literally, see resurrection) and if it becomes a problem, he is going to slow the fuck down, act responsible, and do what it takes to try and actually help you-- you know, in the way Corvus helps. The more he comes to know and care for you, the more it hurts him. You suffering like that isn't something he can abide, especially when it comes to suicidal ideation. He wants you to want to be here with him. He wants to be enough. He realizes that, realistically, it doesn't work like that, but he is going to make it.

Taking someone who suffers in that way puts him in a strange position. One of his priorities is to soothe it. It's a variable he accounts for. He's not a good guy. He's not going to do the healthy thing. But it's not really something he is going to leverage over you and torment you with. Again, that kind of broken, that kind of pain isn't something he wants from you. He needs you healed and better mentally so your body is primed for scars in other ways. He will take away your every option but getting better. He is tough love. He is always there. He is breaking into your mind. You have no privacy. You will be better. For yourself and for him.

He is the tough and firm.

Reaver.... is strange.

Reaver doesn't know dick or fuck all about psychology really, and he doesn't care to. He is what matters. He's been selfish for hundreds of years and he didn't really plan on stopping.

But he understands suffering. He understands pain. He understands trauma nightmares and drowning your sorrows in the bottom of a bottle. He understands wanting to end it and having to find alternate ways of coping. He understands hiding it. He understands feeling so deeply and loathing it. He understands masking your pain. He understands the horrors.

Reaver is going to encourage hedonism like a bandaid. He's going to get you very drunk (bad idea) and try to make you see the value of living a libertine life with him. Life is pain so live it drunk and live it through pleasure. This is his way of connecting. This is his medicine. He's going to throw money around. He's going to shoot things and people because it makes him feel better. He will tell you sex always makes him feel better so you should try it.

When it comes to early on, he's basically just going to be relying on Corvus and Ilya to do most of the heavy lifting. They understand better, and they know people better. Reaver is just going to drown his insecurities over it in bloodwine and back off. He refers to it as 'silly human emotion' and belittles it and pretends he doesn't know what it's like despite the fact he's human and absolutely feels it even as he pretends he doesn't.

Later on, he's going to use the only tools he has and do the only thing he knows how to do. Money, money everywhere. Expensive therapists. Doctors. Medicine. Trying to buy your happiness. He's been so far gone for so long that trying to actually consider mental health sends him into a dark place in his own mind and he can't have that. Even if he knows exactly what you're going through, he's going to pretend he doesn't for his own sanity.

All of the boys have lost a lot. Death is something that scarred them deeply that now they wield as a weapon. Reaver has lost everyone he loved. He might as well have murdered one, and the other let herself die because she wouldn't live a life with him. He will make it very clear, in no uncertain terms, that there is absolutely no chance you're escaping. You will not get away like they did. That is not your choice to make. He will get scary. Very scary. And then he will pick you up and just... lie with you. Clinging.

He does not know how to express himself. He really doesn't. Even when he absolutely loves and adores you, he just isn't very in touch with himself. He cannot touch on that without awakening something horribly twisted inside of himself that he physically cannot deal with.

He, in a way, has always been suicidal in a hugely ironic twist. He is immortal. He cannot die at anyone's hands, even his own, and I believe he has tried. It was a Faustian bargain. He got what he wanted, but the price made it worthless. Eventually he turned to reckless existence and figured that if he died, he died. He never did. He finds pleasure where he can, but his circumstances are so different from yours that he just genuinely cannot relate anymore. It's the same seed, but it blossomed into something entirely different.

Reaver is more primal and almost stupid about it. He'll throw you into the cage. He'll bind your arms. He'll knock you out. He freaks out and doesn't understand. If he wanted you dead, he'd shoot you. Why is that so hard to understand? So many people would kill to be with him, and you get to. Why are you being obstinate? Are you trying to impress him? If you're trying to ward him off, it's not working. Don't be foolish.

Reaver is arguably the worst at it, I'd say. Not because he means to be, but for his own protection. That shell around his mind is what keeps him sane. You are an all too real reminder that he is human and what you're feeling is something he is familiar with.

He will try. His way of showing love and affection is questionable. Sometimes he'll take you somewhere strange because he likes gaudy, rich places and it'll just be a field in the country or some shit. He'll stare quietly at the sky and his trademark smirk is gone. He will just exist with you and let you talk uninterrupted. Maybe making you feel heard will help. You'll never figure out the significance of the place, but rest assured it is to him.

He will just lie with you. Buy you expensive gifts to show he cares and that he is listening. He genuinely believes he can buy your happiness because he bought his 'own'-- and how well that's worked. He will have drunken nights with you where he will sit and sip his brandy and listen to you wail on and keep his stupid comments to himself as much as he can. He will still give you his rude opinion, but there's something.. softer about it.

He will tell you life is a gift, and you will roll your eyes. Same shit you've always heard. And he won't elaborate but he will tell you he knows. Quietly. And he will never bring it up again. One very serious moment of "I know." and he immediately switches the subject. Asks if you're eating enough. If your medicine is working. He can shoot the doctor, if he is stiffing you--

He is incapable of being serious for any length of time because he has to mask his own pain. He has to. It will literally drive him mad if he dwells. But he understands you better than he lets on.

Reaver is the selfish hedonism.

Astarion is probably the one that will put aside his own personal desires most effectively. He will see something is wrong, and while he isn't in tune with emotions and sickness as Corvus is, he will know that look. That phrase. That behavior. He has lived a life that was not his own, had his body taken, and he knows what it looks like to pray for death. He knows what it looks like. He has lived it.

He is the most likely to approach it from a genuine perspective. He will try to make it seem like a normal night, but he'll grab two glasses of wine and sit with you. Talk about books. He will make off-color jokes to keep you off his trail, but really what he's doing is checking in. He is making sure you are okay. He is getting to know you on an earnest level and showing he cares, in a way.

Keep in mind, Astarion is the most mentally healthy as it stands, but he knows very much what it is to suffer. It's a memory that absolutely sticks with him. He knows exactly what it is. Your situation is all too familiar. He knows you aren't well not because he knows what it is in a clinical sense, but because he recognizes it.

He isn't versed in mental illness much at all. He has no book or clinical knowledge. He cannot prescribe you medicine or give you doctorly advice. But he will listen. He will just listen to you rant. To your feelings. He will bite you and get you very comfortable so that you will talk against your own will. He thinks the benefit is worth the cost. He has 'venom' that can make you more pliable. He will abuse it.

You can be angry at him for making you vulnerable, but he thinks it's important because closing yourself off isn't helping. He isn't just trying to take advantage of you. He is actually trying to help in his twisted way.

He will work in tandem with Corvus and Ilya as the 'less clinical' of the triumvirate. The more genuine-seeming. You will feel more comfortable being truthful and telling him things you won't tell Corvus or Ilya, but he will tell them because they are the closest to a doctor and they are the ones that can actually help in a 'medical' sense-- as much as they can. If things are getting bad or there are symptoms he doesn't recognize, it is important to figure it out.

He is the most likely to be genuine and open. He will tell you he understands and he means it. He has no reason to lie. He isn't that kind of sadist necessarily. It's more he has modes, and he is perfectly capable of flipping it off when it's important, even if he is still himself and still says off color things. He is the most open from the get-go whether or not he loves you yet because he has been in this situation. He knows exactly what it's like. It's not about love, it's about your body and your control. There is a line to be walked and while he isn't exactly healthy or not perpetuating the cycle of abuse, it isn't quite like ascending him the other way. He still has empathy. He still has feelings.

He is the one that will approach the other three and tell them that they need to back the fuck off because there are times he feels like you're more open with him than they are just because of how he approaches things. That something is wrong. That as fun as it is, there is something wrong. That some things are more important, and that if they actually care about you, they need to tone it the fuck down for a bit and focus on your wellness and if they don't care about you, they need to back the fuck off for good and let him do what he can to help you because this is taking a toll and he won't stand for it. He will not become Cazador-- even as they literally are doing the same shit.

There are 'cravings' he understands. The desire to see your own blood. For control in any way you can steal it. He's not going to let you fool him into being a tool for your own self-hatred, which for him, is huge because he has to learn the difference between brat taming and learning when he is being deliberately goaded for pain's sake. If you're trying to punish yourself, he's going to learn what you're doing. If you're trying to drive him into a frenzy so he will drain you dry, he will learn.

He will level with you. Hurting yourself isn't an option. Taking your own life isn't an option. None of them want that kind of pain from you, and your situation is severe enough that it's easy to be overwhelmed with both kinds of pain happening. Make your life easier. Work with them. That it is in your best interest to accept the help they give you. He understands how angry you are. How you feel. What it is you're feeling and how intense it is. But it can get better. And then he will laugh because the situation is darkly hilarious. But it can. You might as well utilize the tools they are willing to give you. They can help if you'll let them.

None of them will judge you for your mental health, but Astarion remembers. He is the one that has faced it and come out the other side. He is the success story.

He is the 'comfort' where Corvus is the 'clinical' and Reaver is the 'bad urges'.

Astarion is the earnest and genuine.

Ilya knows, and Ilya is my character. He is built off of my own thoughts, illnesses, insecurities, and pieces of myself. I can speak more to him than the other three because I don't have to discuss it with a secondary party. I just know him. Similar to Corvus in medical knowledge, albeit not formal. He will be able to see the signs. He is very, very good at reading people because it is how he survived. He had to maneuver his own mind as well. He knows something is off from the start and will be one of the first to see it without intense scrutiny. He will try to get a jump on it because you're about to be in a very stressful situation and he also just finds minds fascinating.

He will be a mix of cool and clinical. He will approach it from an organized perspective. He will ask you how you are feeling, what your levels are, 'on a scale' questions, and what your urges are. He will prod you for hours if need be. Full attention on you. He will take notes like a fuckin' psychologist for 'later study' (his version of your medical record.) He will seem very detached from it in an emotional sense and it will be a very strange opposite to his sexual self. His entire focus is on you, your health, and nothing else. No interruptions. No awkwardness. No feeling like he doesn't care or isn't listening or is freaking him out. Just genuine interest. None of that awkward shit where you have to apologize to someone who you chose to trust because your story is making them emotional. He's very good at distancing.

It's best to be honest. He knows when you lie. He will ask you outright why you are lying, if you are uncomfortable, and what you hope to accomplish by being dishonest to him. If you've ever been institutionalized, you know what I mean. There are some things he will be insistent about but pushing someone isn't always what's best and he knows that.

When you have an outburst and begin yelling and getting upset (and you will) he will watch patiently and ask you if it makes you feel better to lash out. If you need to scream more. If you'd like a moment alone. He doesn't mean to be condescending, but his very nature always makes him seem like he is. You can be trying to hit him and it's just laughable how he blinks and asks you 'Is this helping? Do you feel better?' Maddening, even.

He is the one that is going to treat it the most like a doctor because that's how he approaches these things. That's how he looks at himself and the world around him: surgically and clinically. It's how he learned to live. Suggesting alternate coping methods, healthy outlets, and different perspectives. He is going to want you to want to talk to him about it, and is willing to patiently earn that trust. It's almost funny when you consider it the rest of the time. It's like inside his weird little office, he is a different person. No really inappropriate jokes unless you're the kind of person where it eases your distress. No selfishness and making it about him. Just him being Dr. Ilya. Genuinely interested. Genuinely wanting to help if for no other reason than "he finds it fascinating."

It stems, like most things, from his mother. She was ill. Very ill. He remembers. He knows what she went through. How she struggled. She held on to the end but that was out of sheer stubbornness. He inherited quite a bit of it, but he's lived so long it's all a jumbled mess now. He takes control where he can get it. He gets it, in a weird way, but doesn't recognize it on a cognizant level. He just knows it feels familiar and he doesn't like that you feel it, and thus, he will find a way to cure it or quiet it. He's been gone for so long that it just doesn't register as illness. It warped into something darker.

He keeps an eye on you just as much as Corvus does, but he's more likely to give you space (and by give you space I mean you won't notice him watching where as Corvus doesn't necessarily care if you know.) He is more manipulative in a way, but it's a completely separate way. He wants you to feel mentally well even if he is breaking your boundaries when you don't know.

He will bind you, if he feels it is necessary for your safety. He will tranq or sedate you to keep you calm if he senses things are going awry, and gently lie you down and just... sit with you. He will tell you to let it out and when you're ready, you can talk about it. If you're like me and you're stubborn and won't cry or speak at length usually, he will accept it but joking promise to keep Corvus at bay if you happen to and swear he doesn't have the same reaction to vulnerability. He will give you a place for tantrums. He won't ever make you speak, but he will absolutely manipulate you if he thinks it's in your best interest and ultimately for the better. His morals are twisted. He will abuse the trust if he thinks it will actually be better for you in the long run. He isn't a doctor, and he never signed an oath. He's just clever and has been around for ages and learned things.

He will know when it is too much to touch you. When you want to have space. When you don't want to talk. He knows what cracking looks like and he is quite good at mitigaing it, and when he speaks, the others will listen because it's very rare that he ever takes anything seriously. He will be one of the ones to come up with a plan to get everyone what they want.

Keep in mind, this does not make them good or nice. The entire situation is deplorable but what I am saying is that they can have moments of clarity where they will back the fuck off.

He will be gentle but firm. He will tell you that what you want isn't an option. He wants to break into the issues you have and rip them down to the root. He understands abandonment trauma and suicidal ideation because he has felt it but when you eventually pick up that he is speaking from experience, he is going to look at you and say "If it helps you to believe that." and you almost will believe he doesn't know. He does. He will never talk about his own issues. Not now.

The closer you get, the more intimate things will become. The 'sessions' are entirely separate from his desires, but if you're comfortable, or you just need someone to hold you, or whatever, he would love that. Just hold you and ask the questions a bit more intimately. Maybe you just need your hair stroked because you're touch starved. Maybe you have scars you need to moisturize and he can help. Maybe you just need to bitch that his brother is a complete fuck for a moment. You can sit together, or lie down together, or whaever makes you happy. Over time, it gets less clinical and more like a lover taking an interest in their beloved. He tells you he is trying to help. It's strangely the most honest you will see him until later because it touches on something he personally understands.

It's very strange because he is absolutely a bastard, but it's like this switch flips in his brain when things are serious or he sees certain patterns or recognizes behaviors. He shoves it down and immediately goes into serious mode. Cracking mental state is not to be fucked with and he knows. He and Corvus deliberate things together on how best to work this together since they technically have the tools best to maneuver the situation. They've been around for a long time.

He is very good at seeing the signs, and in some cases (this might be because he is mine) he is the best one for saying exactly what you need to hear... albeit in an unnerving way.

Abandonment issues that cause some serious problems? He knows. He has them. He sniffs that shit out fast. He will outright tell you what he would want to hear. "You are mine. I have already chosen and I will not do so again. All things I do are deliberate. I have chosen you. Do you understand? Pretty, broken thing, I have chosen you as you are, not as what you could be or what I thought you might be. You do not scare me, though it humors me that you try. You are mine. All of you. Even the parts of you that are jagged and vicious and bleed everyone who gets close. You will understand. You will come to. You are mine, and that means I lay claim to all parts of you."

When it comes to suicide, he gets a bit weirder. Sadder almost. More of a "There is no reprieve on the other side. There is nothing you do not feel now; no cure that rests just beyond the veil. It is best to face the now and the devil you know, because there is a devil you don't and he is crueler and sharper and slices deeper. We have seen death. We have caused it. We are as intimate as lovers, he and I. There is nothing in his cold grip that will calm you. No softness or kindness to his unrelenting grip that might soothe you. Death is easy and it is fast and swoops as a vulture and there is no peace in your carrion being picked apart. It is natural to long for it, to feel some piece of you can only be at rest once you embrace it, but I can tell you I have seen the other side and the River Styx is not a gentle current, but a maelstrom, and when the water claims you, there is no more death to pray for. Live now, and understand the warmth. The pain. All things. Life is fleeting and death comes quickly enough. Do not go knocking on his door. There is no rest awaiting in his home."

And you won't know what the fuck he's even talking about. Like his weird ramblings don't help. But he knows. He died. In a way, if you look closely, he is opening up to you inadvertently. He pulled a reckless suicide in a way and he's been paying for it ever since. He thought it would ease his pain. It didn't. It has to do with his backstory. He's been there. He got what he wanted. It didn't ease his pain. It won't ease yours.

He will try. It's very strange, honestly, to see him go from the horny terror to this but people are complex, man. He's lived a long time-- or been dead a long time, more accurately. He understands suffering. His brothers understand. They just all have different ways of processing.

He is the only one I can say for certain would recognize very specifically what you're going through. He can pull back. He won't just stop being himself, but he is capable of averting crisis. He will give advice to the others based upon what he knows and his notes. Together they can and will make an effort to get you better because you are who they chose, and that means all of you.

Ilya is the clinical but caring.

They are all pieces of ways people deal with things. Four parts of a whole.

Deep down, most of my kinks and these silly little aus and my love of these men all stem from the same thing. Deep seated issues that result in a desire to be loved unconditionally. To be wanted to badly despite my faults that someone can see the absolute worst parts of me and still be adamant and forceful that I am theirs. To be weak before something for once, and taken care of and even infantilized because my life has been the complete opposite and I've always been alone. To be wanted so desperately and so irrationally that it borders on a form of madness. Something deeply rooted with claws that sink and grab and do not let go. To be chosen by someone (someones) and committed to, no matter how bad I get. How I act out. How I operate that would scare the shit out of a normal person. No matter what I say or do that would drive off every other person.

The men have their own issues. But in my aus, they have chosen you, and that means they do not let go. They do not back off. They do not relent. They are not normal men. You aren't going anywhere, and that includes anywhere you try to take yourself. They try, albeit sometimes poorly, but they try. They all have their own issues and their manners of dealing with things reflect that. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I have control because that nasty little voice in my head tells me shit.

They aren't health experts. They aren't people you should deliberately look to for help. They are bad men and you should never forget that. They aren't wholesome, healthy, idealistic ideas of love. They are toxic and abusive and bad. And I'm sure there's something to be said psychologically about that being who I immediately turn to.

But sometimes, it might help to see yourself falling apart and you hear their voice in your head. You see them on the edge of your bed. They look at you with fucked up but unconditional love. They tell you to get up. Or they tell you it's okay. Sometimes they are just there with you. They see you at your worst and they are still there, the ghosts in your head, because when the mind is lonely, it creates things where it cannot find them.

Sometimes it gets weird and they get very turned on at seeing the entire thing. Maybe that's what you need. To feel desirable in your calamity and mental tempest. Whatever it takes to make you feel better. It's weird. I never claimed it wasn't. But we all have coping methods. My dreamworld is mine.

Hopefully this all makes sense and explains why there's no real canonical way they deal with it. It hasn't really been touched on beyond once or twice when I couldn't pull back for some reason. I have vent stories but those are just self indulgent (or terrorizing, as it were) garbage. I do not think everyone copes like I do and I do not think that other people necessarily enjoy talking or speculating about this sort of thing. I think it drags them down and makes them sad and hurts their mental state and I'd rather swallow it than drag someone else down. It isn't their problem. Having confirmation is great but not at the cost. It's just an uncomfortable subject for most folks and it's very heavy.

I realize I (again) went off the rails here but it's a touchy subject and one that I know a lot of my follower struggle with. It's something you really have to be careful about, you know? But if this isn't what you meant, let me know and I'll happily switch it up for you.

[ramatetsu]

(tagged by @goth-automaton)

tag game thingy with questions about writing i've never done this before so i don't know what to call it

When did you start writing?

I have a distinct memory of my first "real writing" which was in fourth or fifth grade. I was probably writing before then, but that was the first "story" I have memories of. I was supposed to be writing a short (like one page) diary type thing about what someone might have been doing the day that Mount Vesuvius erupted, and I wrote this twenty page soap opera level drama and everyone died (which was technically the point). I think my teacher was deeply concerned.

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

I really love long and strong narrative arcs but absolutely cannot pull them off myself. I can't string together chapters for shit. Everything is a little segment that is only vaguely connected.

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

I can only really write while lying down these days (yay back pain). So I do a lot of my writing on my bed.

What’s your most effective way to muster up a muse?

I like to look at prompts, but when the inspiration hits I don't get to choose who shows up. Whatever happens, happens.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

There's a lot of my pieces that revolve around the theme of your identity being built from (or taken away by) the people closest to you. How the building and severing of those connections can change who you are fundamentally. I am not surprised that this is my recurring theme, but I am surprised that I managed to have a recurring theme.

What is your reason for writing?

I don't know how to do anything else lmao

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

I hope they don't find me annoying.

How do you feel about your own writing?

I've got awful self-esteem and that definitely extends to my writing, I usually hate it. It doesn't help that I write for kind of niche ships and characters, so a lot of the things I'm most proud of are the things no one sees.

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely for yourself, or a mix of both?

Both plus a secret third thing, which is purposefully writing things that I don't think I would have chosen to if left to my own whims or the whims of the crowd. When I did my Keywords series, I challenged myself to write for characters that I'd never written before and probably never would otherwise. It was a good exercise and one I hope to keep adding to in the future.

tagging @ar-guile and any followers who want to do this please help yourselves idk how this works

[prognosticator5]

"How would Danganronpa characters feel if you asked them to do illegal drugstances with you" a tier list

Bozo ass notes in case anyone wanted explanations:

• It's canon that Himiko does coke look it up

• Miu and Angie definitely use psychedelics and shit, Kiyo's ALL ABOUT pushing boundaries, Sonia has definitely seen some shit, and Junko is Junko.

• Nagito would consider; can dope bring hope?

• Rantaro has 100% "partaken in the customs" of some crazy ass people from around the world

• Leon and Hagakure are dogs like they're stupid feindish mortals who crave sensation they're probably gonna consider anything from crack to huffing glue

• Chiaki just cool like that

(this category should be colored yellow but tumblr doesn't have that)

• Tenko would find drugs outlandish and heinous if offered done by a male, but HIGHLY consider it if it's being pushed by a woman

• Teru, Hifumi, and Kazuichi somewhat, are worshippers of eroticism. Boy can drugs be erotic

• Shuichi, Mukuro, and Gundham would need some serious convincing, but w the right people and atmosphere theres definitely a chance.

• Kaito and Akane are real wildcards because I definitely think theres tons of arguments one could make to convince them to partake but those two also just have their own logic that could trump any actual good point

• Kirumi gotta be so god damn tired and you KNOW she infamous for not acting like a human being but a work machine, if that ain't suspicious

• Celeste and Toko would HATE doing any drug with any other human being. However the idea that they trip / benefit from it in private jus make sense

• Tsumugi was going in that secret room during v3 to do ketamine or coke or someshit just binging past seasons of Danganronpa or stalking people w the damn motherkuma you cannot fucking convince me otherwise she'd NEVER give up her "plain girl" image to slam drugs w anyone else but in private bro she's getting crinkled and crumped that's a little gratuitous but I am so sure that Tsumugi is going ape in the crepe

(this pink category should also be yellow lmao)

• BOY does Sayaka get close. But she's got such a dog in her that wants to do the idol thing "right" so man I just think she'd power through the urges and peer pressure & stay sober

• Kiibo would be jealous as FUCK

• I think everyone else here is self explanatory

• After Mikan's initial reaction of "DRUGS!?😱" she'd probably jump directly into the orange or red category depending on how well you can manage to get through to her, but do I think getting blitzed with her would be emotionally catastrophic for all others involved yes

• Mondo might smoke or drink but I feel he may have very strong feelings against illegal substances either for killing his biker homies or causing them to go to jail / rehab / have a shit life / etc

• Would Taka ever WILLINGLY take a drug? Never. If you manage to get a drug into his system, however, boy do I feel like that would change his mind

• Sakura and Nekomaru would never harm someone who does drugs but they're such health nuts that they'd just never be cool w that

• Gonta could probably be convinced rather easily but I really just feel like his brain CANNOT handle drugs and he'd absolutely freak out... Part of me thinks that drugs would make bugs "scary" looking for him and that alone is enough to make him see drugs as pure evil. ALTERNATIVELY: He eated so many god damn psychedelics as a kid growing up in the forest that shit has no effect on his bigass anymore.

• 90% chance Aoi would be deeply personally offended if someone offered her drugs, ESPECIALLY performance enhancers, just cuz she don't see herself like that and someone else doing so would make her feel weird

• Mahiru just ain't no fun

I feel like Kokichi and Ibuki could truly be anything from full on tweakers to the most stone cold sober people in their casts I really do not know where they stand I won't lie they change identities based on who's around that's my best guess

And I believe the rest explains itself

[bisognamorire]

My most Beloved A.,

thank you for getting back to me. I hope you don‘t mind me leaving you this last message here, because I wish I had had the opportunity to say goodbye too. 

I am not sure you will ever see this, because you might not even look up my blog. But I didn’t know how I could put it out any other way, for it to reach you, even if only in 5, 10 or 15 years.

The devastation I feel cannot be put into words. I started writing this sitting in the bus to head to my nightshift, so it may lack eloquence. But how does one say a final goodbye to someone so important in a good manner anyway? You can never prepare for grief to hit you. For the loss of someone.

I thank you for being blunt to me about it — I wouldn’t have understood it otherwise due to autism or such, you know how I am. So definitely don’t worry about being blunt about what you want in life, I encourage you to keep this up! 

I will respect your decision and I do understand it — you’re asking me not to contact you for your and my sake, because I don’t have the strength to let you go, if it wasn‘t imposed on me. Although it pains me and will continue to pain me for the rest of my life as much as it does to you, I will start to let you go. I find that grief over losing people you once loved never subsides, we take it to our graves, for it is indeed the continuation of love.

Before we never speak to each other again, I want to say that I deeply regret to have hurt you — such a lovely, the loveliest human being — during our relationship due to my own problems and life‘s circumstances. I am so sorry that I suffocated you with my insatiable need to be close, that I crushed you under the weight of my grip. 

And I don‘t want to leave it unexpressed that you have my forgiveness for everything that has happened and that I will never feel indifferent to you or resent you because of anything. So please do not hurt yourself with bad coping mechanisms and alcohol.

Thank you for walking a path of my life side by side with me, I‘ll never forget you.

I will always feel fond of you and love you and think of you in everyday life, for your memory is everywhere — never doubt that.

I‘ll even love the versions of you that I will not get the privilege of witnessing, to be part of, because I know you, I know you to your core. 

I genuinely wish you all the best, and that you‘ll live a fulfilling and happy life — how *you* want it to be, not your family, your parents, or anyone else.

This is your life to live and ‚sit with’, not anyone else‘s, so you shouldn‘t live it according to anyone but your own wishes.

If you can ever, in the future, bear to send me a postcard or visit when you‘re around, or feel lost in life and need a friend, I will be there for you. I will always be there for you.

Despite all my love, I understand you‘re asking me to let you go for both our sake.

I wish it hadn‘t come to this, but I don‘t want to continue to be a pain for you.

When I think of you, I will always only want to remember the feeling and perfectness of us sitting on that cosy couch, in a tiny cafe somewhere in Fr. Of you so blissfully sunbathing next to the museum, sitting outside a cafe. Riding our bikes around the fields side by side.

My balcony.

To be loved and love someone, despite. 

To grant you your wish, I now bid you the fondest of farewells and I send you a very tight hug and a final goodbye kiss, my mouselet.

Forever your Sabo who loves you.

[wistfulwisp]

Ezra

He/they

I'm not sure what my favorite animal is anymore? Anything that will love cuddling with me ig :3

My question for the 1 card reading:

I feel so, so lonely. So isolated amongst the people around me, irl. I feel unseen and unheard and like a phariah, sometimes. In my home, in communities I frequent.

I want friends again. I want people in my life whom I can trust and who want me there and care for me deeply. I want to feel seen and cared for and loved by people other than myself, who don't feel like they exist in my phone.

How do I find them? Or, how long will I need to wait before I find them? Or- what's a lesson I need to learn now before I can be ready for them?

Whichever question the deck wants to answer, I guess. I'm not quite sure what I want to ask first. I'm in a massive transitory period, it feels like. I feel desperate and antsy and deeply lonely. And I fell into the trap of putting all of my eggs in one basket again, and I just... I need to move forward, but I don't know what to do with all of this fear and pain. From feeling alone in the world.

So the first thing that I wanted to say is that I am just … very sorry that you feel so alone in the world right now. We’ve been mutuals and friends on Tumblr for a long time, or at least I consider you to be my friend, and I definitely empathize with your situation. I know exactly how it feels to Feel like, despite the world being such a largely populated place, that you are the only person in the entire world, and to feel as though if you were to stretch out your hands as far as they go in any direction, you would never hit anyone for a 5 mile radius. You know what I’m saying?

Anyways, I consider you to be my friend I care about you, and know that even though I am just a person talking to you through a screen that there’s someone out there that understands and that my DM‘s are always open and my ask box is always open and that you have a friend in me, and this is one of those moments where I don’t have much else to offer you, but I do hope that… that offers a little bit of comfort.

-

Secondly, I want to quickly mention that, despite me describing tarot to a lot of people as a “therapeutic tool“ that tarot is obviously not a replacement for therapy. I see this because tarot offers me a great opportunity to connect with you to connect with your feelings, and it offers you a great opportunity to see your emotions all laid out for you, but it cannot replace a professional opinion, or any sort of systematic and regulated help that you could get in situations like this. The reason I describe this a therapeutic tool is because I find the tarot has this stereotype of being a tool of clairvoyance, Which I do appreciate in media but I don’t often appreciate in reality because I don’t think that Tarot should be used to manipulate people into believing that you’re talking to the dead or that you can predict the future with 100% accuracy. What I love about tarot is the opportunities it creates to connect with people and connect with yourself, however let it be known that I’m not a therapist 😂 and I cannot provide any sort of regulated or professional comfort. However, I can pull a card for you and see what the cards have to say. 

judgement: judgement first and foremost is a major arcana, meaning that it typically represents larger stages of life or problems that are at the forefront of your mind in the moment of getting this reading. Judgement can represent a few different things, the biggest thing being a calling to a higher purpose, or from a higher power. Whether that some sort of religious figure or whether that’s just your own intuition, judgement reminds you that we are constantly being called to serve a higher purpose. If you feel as though in your life right now, you are being called to do something drastic or being called to change paths and there is a belief within you that that change of course will make you happier, This is a sign to go for it. the other aspect of this card is your own judgement of the world, or the way in which you perceive the world around you or yourself. It’s a card of self-evaluation and of reflection. Judgement reminds us to have a clear yet critical vision of the way that the world is around us, and to acknowledge that the way in which we see the world is often not the way the world actually is, but that your perception of the world is the way the world is for you. It calls us to not be overly critical, but to also not be passive in allowing certain things to happen, and believing that we have no control over them. in terms of your questions specifically, I think this card calls you to take action, and to acknowledge that you do have control and power in this situation. it doesn’t really tell you how long you’ll have to wait to find a solution to your problems or how you will find a solution, but I think that it provides a good perspective to go into these problems with the lesson that the cards are trying to teach you: that the world is full of opportunities to be critical and opportunities to be analytical and opportunities to become closer to who you want to be, and that you have the power to get there. I hope that makes sense I know that that may be rather vague, but if you ever wanted another single card reading on this or a paid reading, I’d be happy to provide that for you. Or if you even just wanted someone to listen again, my DM’s are always open. 

[nuclearbyproduct]

Okay, so a tiny bit of context:

Chuckles is a new Clown. He's a deeply deeply lonely man. He recently starting working at *this* Carnival. It's too much to explain him rn LOL

But anyways, I think this describes Peony well. Or at least how she views herself. Obviously she hasn't fucked every man at the Carnival but still she's definitely seen as "easy". I mean she doesn't know how a man can be nice to her without obviously being sexually attracted to her. She puts way too much stock into the way men view her. This sadly impacts several aspects of her life.

If she feels like men don't find her attractive/entertaining during her b*rlesque performance, or while she's helping Franco, she feels like she has failed. Like she is a disgusting repulsive *thing*. She needs someone to tell her she's not. Which is why she seems to always end up with obsessive men who want to spend too much time with her. Want to gawk at her. It's why she struggles with actually dating Lorenzo. He actually sees her as a person. When they've hooked up it's because they're genuinely attracted to each other. They aren't doing it because he knows he can score and she's not in it to feel worthy of something.

I've been thinking about Peony a lot lately and how she views herself and what not. She has a very complicated relationship with every man in her life.

Pickles: Shitty ex-boyfriend that is drunk and pathetic. He is a sopping wet mess without her. He so desperately wants her back because he promises he can be a better boyfriend. They were young and dumb when they fell in love and got into some pretty unhealthy habits that shaped them as they grew ie: Peony thinking Pickles doesn't find her worthy of love when he is angry at her, thinking sex is the only way she can get him back etc etc. Pickles not being able to talk about his feelings and turning to alcohol to cope. Thus pulling away from Peony and making her think he despises her even more. Both looking at sex to heal their issues in relationship when they needed to learn how to communicate.

Franco: She is his muse™. He is so so so obsessed with her. She loves and despises this attention all at once. He fulfills several roles in her life. He's a teacher, a mentor, a boss, a best friend, a lover, a boyfriend, a husband, divorcee. Literally anything you can think of, he's that for her at some point. He saw something in her when no one else did. The Ringleader didn't know what to do with her at first and Emoria was absolutely not going to let Peony work for her at that age lol so Franco stepped in. They didn't start out romantic, obviously lol Franco isn't a creep, in that way I guess? I mean there's something inherently creepy about a boss starting a relationship with his worker obviously. When they started getting romantic Peony was apprehensive because she didn't want that to change the way he viewed her. What if he had sex with her and decided he was done playing with her? She worried about this a lot. But also- she was embarrassed I cannot lie. Franco is cringe and theatrical. People giggle and tease when they see them together obviously on a date. He brings up Peony too much and always has to mention that without her his show would have withered into nothing. As long as he has her he can create. She can only handle so much dehumanizing as she struggles with that on her own so sometimes she has to keep space between them. Only hanging around him when they have work. Deep down Peony really does value her relationship with Franco but struggles with all the different aspects of it. What is she to him? At the very least, she hopes she's a person.

Grumpy: He is not the biggest fan of Peony (wink) okay, he pretends to have more of a problem with her than he does. He saw tons of her when she and Pickles were dating and he always told her to dump his ass. He is definitely a drunken father figure to her. Like a bit of a distant father figure but one nonetheless. When they first met, he tried to be nice and what not bc she was Pickles' girl and she of course read that as a romantic thing and he had to like grab her by the shoulders and be like "Kid, look, I'm old enough to be your dad. You're a kid to me. I can hardly stand you. You're annoying. You're pesky. You're non-fucking-stop. You're like a gnat that won't quit buzzing around my head! I don't want to fuck you. I have never wanted to fuck you. And I have no plans to fuck you, capeesh?" And she was like in awe because like she's young and dumb and all she wanted to do was be liked and somehow, in the middle of his lecture, she could tell that he cared about her lol. Bernadette the Bearded Woman and Grumpy are definitely like mom and dad to her specifically. They don't always talk, but when they do, they're glad they did.

Wurt: She doesn't get why he is so "disgusted" by her, he isn't by the way, he's deeply saddened by Peony. She feels like every move she makes around him is wrong bc they got off on the wrong foot (she tried to hit on him and he was like ewwww no, You're my assistant gross! And that destroyed her). Wurt sees A LOT of potential in Peony! Like he thinks she may even make a great magician some day! So he wants to give her more responsibilities than Franco did but every time he tries, she's like ":O You're being nice to me?!?!? It must mean you're attracted to me!" And he has to put his foot down. He really does not want to let her go but he's really afraid he's going to have to if she can't like, get her head right. She really likes Wurt. She enjoys talking to him. Listening to him explain magic. She feels when they rehearse he's *actually* teaching her things, but she's really hung up on him not liking her, maybe it's because she really misses Franco and the dynamic they had ): oh I guess I should explain, Franco leaves for a little bit to just go see some other magicians and see what him and Peony can add to their routine!

Lorenzo: she wants to like him so so so bad but she's worried she'll do something that will fuck up their relationship. Lorenzo would never ever push her out of her comfort zone so he just waits until she's ready to date. He gets teased by some of the ride operators and game booth runners but he doesn't mind. He respects Peony far too much. He wants her to want to be with him. One day it will come. He hates seeing men treat her awful and steps in to defend her whenever he can. Peony feels like she owes him all the time because of how sweet he is to her. He wants her to understand he does that because he cares about her.

I'm sorry this post is all over the place. But my brain cannot stop buzzing about Peony. I hope this all makes sense but I'm not sure I can explain myself well enough. Ahhhhh

Gonna post something from my writing today okokokok I'm a little embarrassed but I feel like it explains something better about Peony than I can word okokokokok.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

I like the First Flush Malleus interaction. Tbh when you start out with so much hope and narration about that giddiness when you think your feelings are reciprocated, it’s already a huuuuge red flag for angst to come lmao 😂

The best part about this is you don’t follow a typical happily ever after. Responsibilities are not always just chains, they are necessary most of the time and Malleus definitely knows this. Any Disney movie would have the protagonists change the society’s rules for their own goals, which isn’t wrong (in like movies like Aladdin), but Malleus is definitely a prince who would prioritize his duties and his people, and even if he hates the loneliness, he’ll still go through with it. I like how you stay true to his character with this interaction 👍🏻

[Referencing this imagine!]

A basic rule of writing, in my eyes 😌 “Build something up before you tear it down!”

When I got the prompt “desire to deeply understand”, I knew that I wanted to do something different. I think the immediate idea that comes to a lot of people’s minds is a scenario where the reader is charmed by Malleus’s mysteriousness and seeks to get to know him better. However, since I don’t particularly find that concept interesting (especially as it already echoes the friendship of Yuu and Malleus in the main story, so it has already been “done” and would feel superfluous to repeat), I wanted to tackle the prompt using a different approach.

I want to preface the rest of this post by saying there is nothing wrong with enjoying shipping Malleus with anyone, whether that be a canon character, an OC, a Yuusona, a self-insert, what have you. From hereon out, I am only speaking about TWST canon, and my own analysis of Malleus’s character, and my personal writing style. These all play into my hardships with writing Malleus in a romantic light, and I want to share those thoughts, as they do play into my commentary of the imagine being referenced.

Truthfully, it can be challenging for me to write Malleus in romantic scenarios because it requires a lot of suspension of disbelief on my part. I try to incorporate in-game lore into my writing when I can to help me stay in character, and Malleus’s unique circumstances clash with what I am sometimes asked to write.

He has been shown to consistently put his country over himself, his loneliness, and his personal gripes with others. Malleus is well aware of what his duties are as crown prince and that he needs to behave a certain way as a representative of the Briar Valley. I would definitely believe that this mindset would extend to matters of romance and intimate feelings; I think he would make it of secondary importance, with his kingdom taking priority. More specifically, in Ghost Marriage, it is pointed out a few times that Malleus can’t just propose to any random person (even if it is to save someone else, and even if the Ghost Bride herself is already a princess). It seems that status alone is not enough for Malleus to just... casually court someone in canon (and I would imagine status is just the bare minimum requirement for someone as important as he is). This is why Sebek ends up being sent to propose to Eliza in his place. In fact, a huge part of Malleus’s character overall is that he has restricted liberties (such as not even being able to take a night time stroll without his guards becoming worried for his safety) and cannot act as he truly pleases—but in spite of this, he still makes the conscious decisions to do what is best for his people and to avoid conflict with sovereigns of other nations. It is what he must do for the greater good, and he is willing to sacrifice his own feelings to achieve it.

I think that most Disney properties (especially the older ones) definitely use the “is royalty, must marry royalty” thing as a convenient plot line to later be overturned so true love can prevail (see: Aladdin) or to have the perfect happily ever after between a traditional prince and princess (see: most other Disney princess films). They never get into the politics or the consequences of a royal marrying a commoner, or a royal marrying some random royal they met in a few days’ time, it’s just hand waved away and accepted as “the norm”. Love and happy endings are prioritized. Because of this, I feel like most people have similar or the same expectations of Twisted Wonderland nobility, by association as a Disney property. However, I find it interesting that being in a position of power is actually taken far more seriously in TWST, often playing into character traumas and backstories which deeply affect who characters are and what they act like in present day. Malleus in particular is written with many restrictions in mind, and not purely for the sake of cartoonish comedy (ie Cinderella being made to walk with books on her head to learn how to be “elegant” like a princess). It’s clear that he has grown up in isolation and was raised to rule, that he is grossly cognizant of his duties and how they take precedence over all else in his life... and that is, in of itself, a double-edged sword which he willingly takes in the spirit of self-sacrifice and as the future leader of his country. This even plays into the main story, and how he keeps his identity from Yuu because he finds it refreshing that someone doesn’t know who he is. He can just be himself, if only for a few seconds—but ultimately, he is still crown prince with responsibilities and a reputation to uphold, and he needs to adhere to those. Malleus doesn’t act overly friendly with Yuu; he remains calm and composed (for example, not really reacting to being invited to VDC until he is in private) and keeps his interactions curt and professional (refer to the holiday card he sent; it’s very much short and to the point). There’s a little mischief here and there, maybe the occasional snarky comment toward his peers, but still within “safe bounds” that wouldn’t cause any major conflicts with others. All of that is to say that even in spending time with someone that allows him to be “himself”, Malleus still holds himself to certain standards due to his upbringing and his status. People are looking for him to lead, and he knows he cannot fail them. That’s a lot of weight on his shoulders, and he carries it with grace. It’s a contrast to the usual Disney formula, with more of an emphasis on realistic consequences and placing personal obligations over feelings.

In knowing all of that, it becomes hard for me to write “x Malleus” requests because my mind keeps cycling back to the reminder that, in all likelihood, the romantic partner I’m writing for is a fellow student and a commoner, which, again, according to canon, isn’t a freedom Malleus is granted as crown prince. I can usually manage to overlook these things by just picturing the reader inserts I write for as someone who is already Malleus’s betrothed and someone qualified to rule beside him. I’m glad that I was able to write at least this one piece which somewhat addresses the dissonance between canon lore and common fandom sentiments or expectations. It can be a really hard balance to strike as a content creator.