#and I am proud of her for her achievements dont get me wrong

[theworldthrukaleidoscope-eyes]

To fast food workers: "It's only meant for young people in college! Not to support a family!"

To retail workers: "The job isn't that hard. Why do they need to be paid so much?"

To CEOs: "They had to work hard to get where they are!" - Let's talk about this. A CEO of a small business (I'm using an example of someone I know personally, just so you know I'm not inflating or spewing secondhand facts) makes 350k/year. Minimum wage makes 15k/year. Do you honestly think any people/persons are capable of working over 20x harder than anyone else?? Retail workers have customers screaming at them for 8+ hours a day; fast food workers must prepare your food in a boiling hot kitchen (with customers screaming at them!) for 8+ hours a day. I could go on about waitresses, firemen, childcare, teachers! (oh but those jobs should be fulfilling enough without the paycheck...right?? Tell that to the CEO) My CEO friend doesn't work every day. She works MAYBE 15 hours a week, and complains about the days she has to drive to work to handle things in person. She absolutely does not work harder than minimum wage workers. Don't get me wrong--she used to. Before she made 350k a year. Before she made even 200k a year. Did she work hard to 'earn' a position where she makes so much and doesn't work? No. That's what we call 'retiring'. What she is doing is earning money she don't need off the labor of others. Because that's the kicker--she doesn't need this much money. She owns three houses. She travels at least 3 times a year overseas or on yachts/cruises. She buys expensive furniture (I'm talking 2 thousand dollar lamps, 400 dollar chairs) on a WHIM. She eats out for nearly every meal. She does not need this much money. People in poverty don't want to have a free ride. They don't want rich people to pay their way. They want this kind of financial imbalance to stop. Because when your friend who just spent more than you make in a year on her monthly travel expenses, and then complains that her taxes are just too high, and she has to pay way too much for health insurance, to someone who literally cannot afford health insurance (and some days, actual food)...it starts to get ridiculous.

This is a real person I know in real life. Not a billionaire. Not a famous actor, artist, or anyone you would have heard of. This is income inequality right on your doorstep.

[calpalsworld]

I just realized Im over 6 months on T...!!!

My genuine review of T for others who may be considering or just interested in the topic.

Keep in mind that everyone will have different results on T. For me I am on a small dose because my T levels were already high to begin with.

Reasons why I went on T:

Was living out publicly as non binary but I would still feel upset when strangers would misgender me.

Had been wishing that I was more masc body wise and voice wise since at least high school.

Didn't have intense dysphoria but I felt very neutral about my body. It felt strange and like it wasn't progressing how I imagined it would. I had certain features that pissed me off, which I knew T would change.

Dysphoria was triggered in public interactions and when I had to acknowledge my body by myself. I felt like strangers weren't seeing me as me, and felt that I wasn't experiencing my body in the way I wanted to.

Pros:

Everything!!!

Voice that surprises me with how deep it is sometimes. When I lean back against a chair and speak I can feel my diaphragm rumble.

Menstruation stopped almost immediately.

(May be TMI but this is a major thing yet the only thing that I did not know was going to happen before starting). Rapid and significant genital changes. Psychologically helpful for me.

Hairier arms, stomach, and thighs.

Stomach fat and face fat increase. (potentially boob and thigh fat decrease but it may be placebo or just in contrast).

More facial fuzz.

Slightly veinier hands.

Slightly thicker/more muscular arms.

Looking at myself and seeing someone who looks good and confident and masc/butch and feeling great about it. Sometimes I look at myself in the reflections of building windows and get excited.

Being able to discuss T with other friends who are on T.

People misgender me as he/him and a man (Im non binary and go by they/them) more often than misgendering me as she/her and a woman now. This is still not ideal but it bugs me less.

Random queer strangers asking "are you on T!?" and being excited.

Knowing I dont have to live my life as a lie.

Cons:

My pre existing erotophobia (I'm triggered and obsessive over certain things relating to sex) has been activated as I experience new things.

My pre existing paranoia being rebranded into a trans related experience (I worry sometimes people are stalking me and planning to kill me for the slightest things I do wrong, now I worry that its because Im trans). This will go away once I work through my mental illness and internalized bigotry.

Voice hurt when the changes started (like a sore throat for a few weeks as if I was sick).

I cant do a lot of funny voices that I liked doing anymore, but I can do new voices.

New and strange sensations in genital area, during the first few weeks it was very painful (I have Pelvic Floor Dysfunction and Vaginismus so this may not be a universal experience).

Became slightly stinkier and oilier when I started, but it seems to have gone away.

I'm non binary and I still feel connected to women and I get anxious that people won't be able to comprehend that. (examples: others might not like me calling myself "butch" or sharing my experiences with womanhood). But this is internal rather than reflective of anything I've experienced. This may be entirely in my head.

Family awkwardness. Family members assuming crazy stories about how I feel. (generic things like: thinking i hate myself and am scared of men so i want to turn myself into a man?!?!😭😭😭). But friends and others do not assume these things.

(TMI but true) Thick buttcrack hair is annoying.

Future thoughts:

I feel very fortunate that my experience with T is going very well.

I know the best parts of T takes time and patience to become apparent so I am excited that I started at 21.

I am proud of achieving what I thought might only be a fantasy, and I hope I can have access to T for the rest of my life.

[justmeinadaze]

I had a very abusive relationship and after 9 years I was finally able to get away from him at the beginning of the year.

Today is his birthday and I have an urge to text him and I feel so silly because for some reason my brain wants to believe that what he did to me was not serious enough to make the decision to get him out of my life.

I don't know how to tell this to the people around me, if I myself think I am so stupid for that obviously others will think the same.

First of all, thank you for feeling comfortable sharing that with me❤.

Secondly it's never wrong to leave a toxic relationship and I'm so proud of you taking that step. I dont know if this helps but

I was abused through my childhood physically, mentally, and emotionally by a parent and I didnt leave until I was 13. Even I left I still kept her around because in my brain I was like "Shes my mom and shes sick. She cant help it. Other people have been through way worse."

Even though I was out of the house the emotional and mental abuse got worse not just towards me but the people around me. She accused my dad of things he didnt do. When he died she said she thought we'd finally be able to have me now (I was 23 and this was 3 months after he passed). When I lost a friend of mine 5 years ago she said the worst thing you could say to your kid and I knew then had to fully cut ties.

I havent talked to her in these 5 years and I'll tell ya I'm doing so much better. But... that doesnt mean I dont miss her. Sometimes I think about trying again with her but then I remember how far I've come.

The first time I told my friends about my abuse I remember I thought "oh they're going to think it's no big deal." But they were shocked and so encouraging.

If you tell someone what you've been through and they invalidate you and experiences in anyway then, honey, those arent people you want to have in your life.

The road to healing isnt easy but I assure you that you achieved the hardest step that some never reach... you left.

I see you and I'm proud of you❤

I'm sorry if I rambled a bit. PTSD brain skips sometimes.

[koaly-ty]

Different Princess (Episode Reacts)

Spoilers for Different Princess from episode 18 to 20. Tis what this review covers. Expect nothing and be not disappointed.

Ep 18

bestie stands disapproving of you rescuing your traitor wife (fish guy needs an award for all those exasperated frustrated im done with this looks, also a promotion to eternally disappointed in you bestie)

so much shoving

dont suck it out dont suck it out (chants frantically) please dont please please please nooo, eternally frustrated bestie why did u have to say that, u r a doctor do not make such terrible incomplete medical statements, lovesick people have very different interpretations of such matters

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (cries, not in a goood way, in a very sad utterly done with these people way)

also doctor thank you for stating that like you thought it was gonna stop him, or be retained in the memory of any of these people

now they are going to kiss feed her and fight over that (facepalm)

bro u should atleast be awake to appreciate all these tropes going on over your head (and on your neck)(he makes a nice vampire, perfect amount of agony on his face while attacking her neck)

please just end me

i cant do this

gongye qi i am so sorry for you and i respect you, i would have left the continent by now

and they have music, background music for the medicine mouth to mouth (sinking into the ground, im never coming back)

also bro u r the prettiest in the room, why didnt they give you more space for your faint, why such a cramped fall (so disappointed)

bro you need to get paid, forget brotherhood of revenge, your bestie has clearly decided to lose every single one of his braincells

what they cant share the medicine, mouth to mouth, it just all perfectly pours into the other person's mouth?

wrong word. u r a physician not a saint

bro changed his hairstyle (hello zhao yunlan)

bestie mad about it

such a im a big tough guy nice stoic pose (rolls eyes) could look a little less constipated though

oh oh fish guy reciprocates

Female lead: i will not believe these villains but of course they have explained their side of the matter and i may have misunderstood them (lies on floor, what logic is she on)

Ep 19

secretary du u have an exemplary work ethic

new robes new hairstyle bro got a full makeover

and how do u not know he is gentle? he carried you out there while running from pursuers, caught you before you could fall etc etc

he smiled!!!!! (who are you)

proud man applauding his brilliant wife's achievements (so cheesy, pauses to stave off the second hand embarrasment, does not succeed)

lady realises son is still after his bro's wife (aishh)

bestie accepts his in-law

everybody get up give this princess a standing ovation, ostrich (accurate, died laughing)

well now we have two matchmakers for her main couple

i did not just read goo-goo eyes (my eyes oh my eyes my eyes)

bury head in book why not

Ep 20

bro u wrote him, what do u mean since when do u understand each other so well

look who is jealous (smirky face)

secretary du, are u scratched, u r the assassin arent you

im dead sorry, look at him, look at that man staring so adoringly at his wife

ive passed away…………………………..ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (insert more incoherent screaming) proposed, he proposed (more screaming) bro is totally on full husband mode

and here is the obligatory mid-autumn festival scene, every single drama has it huh lanterns wonder and adoring looks

sorry bro your automated script lines are not gonna reach those ears tonight

oh no that male lead is gonna confess his love to her isnt he? bro u know she's ur bro's, why do u persist so futiley

yao yao adorable as always

ah hah mid autumn festival, the holder of all the all cliche cheesy and embarrasssing romantic scenes of dramas

yao yao is the general's kid

murder bro u cant flirt and reciprocate and then suddenly have a moral dilemna, the dilemna should be before you throw yourself in

princess (give her a standing ovation), forget your brothers, u would be the best queen on the throne, she is every self-insert's dream, a pro at wrapping her man around her fingers

okay look here bro, u betrayed your murder bestie for your wife, now you who recycle your outfits has gone and gotten a new outfit to tell your bestie off for falling in love, he hasnt even betrayed you

i can give them a chance, if (insert pointy finger) u agree to marry me, admit to being my wife etc etc

bro u could have called him delusional, u could have pretended u had so many options instead u stood there like a goldfish and admitted it, then u blame him (slaps hand onto forehead)

get off my screen and flirt you terrible cringy creature, even ur servants are in on this (wriggles fingers at screen, shoo shoo)

so du has been replaced by someone else, and no one noticed? poor guy :(

[night-rhea]

I am curious what would happen if Ben and Rhea swapped roles or Ben as the masked death eater while rhea is aurorer.

Hmm interesting. Pretty interesting.

Ben being a Death-eater despite being muggleborn, looks difficult but not entirelly impossible me thinks.

He can hide his identity from regular Death Eaters maybe? And if he is powerfull enough to fight good, i mean good good, who is to judge that he is less from pureblood wizard.

But also him being Death Eater seems more like it if some high ranked one uses him as pawn you know. I dunnoo like Night's uncle Jonathan Rhea hm? Who is also member of R.

İ dont know which year was it but remember when Ben was the one who was controlled by R to send message to mc? What if they never let Ben go? What if they slowly, but i mean really slowly made their way into his beliefs. That there is so many corrupted wizards that he cant trust anyone, anyone but R who can see through people. Even Rakepick betrayed them, but R already told them to stay away from her right?

Long story short i can definitely see a scenerio where R can win Ben over. İf we add the obsession of protecting i headcanon that he has, it becomes really reasonable.

He has to help the "cleaning". Even if that means he need to work with disgusting beliefs. He can defend himself among them after all. Jonathan can benefit from him oh so much. He wants Night under his control, under his command. And Ben, might be the best way to achieve that goal.

Now i realized i didnt make him all evil and shit. Good. İ dont like pure evil chars. Like how i did with Night, i would also write him as "great goal with very questionable methods"

On the other hand, our poor Night. Despite all the manipulations they stand in believing the "good" and forced their curse to work in their own ways, without hurting and destroying.

Ben dissapearing would crush them really bad. He was the biggest support to them for years. Even if it wasnt healty, i dont think Night would realize that. And seeing him right next to Jonathan? Man.

How could he abandon them like that, them and all their friends? What could Jonathan have offered to him to get him?

Their curse feeds on anger, regret. And Ho boy Ben would trigger these on dangerous levels.

İn animes and movies, there are scenes that lover turns evil and their loved one desperatelly calls them back, unable to hurt the evil one despite the bad things they do. And in one vulnerable moment, evil one reaches their lover oh so gently and so caring like none of this happened. Speaks soft enough to reach other ones broken heart, strokes their cheek with their thumb- And says they just need to let go, just need to trust them.

YOU KNOW SCENES LİKE THAT RİGHT?

This. This is entirety of reversed CopperRhea.

And do you know whats the most interesting part?

He would take Night to his side. He would have succesed.

Dont get me wrong, Night isnt some damsel in distress. But without Ben being on their side in their worst times, the curse took a lot from them. Both from their mind and power. We shouldnt judge them for being in need of comfort from the one they loves right?

Oh how Jonathan would be proud of his little pawn for being succesfull. How long do you think for Ben to realize Jonathan will drain Night to death? Who knoooows~

[lord-shitbox]

ive nerfed myself

[fictionkinfessions]

(hey if this is too aggressive and it’s against the rules i understand, and sorry about sending it if so, i know chara hate and angry rants are allowed, but idk if this crosses the line or not, im sorry if it does)

tw: child abuse

god i get so fucking mad when i think about Bro. dont even wanna call him that stupid shit. my fuckin father, i guess, strictly biologically speaking, or that dipshit who raised me (with a generous-ass definition of “raised”). why adopt me if you didnt fucking want me? actually dont answer, i deadass could not give a single fuck if i even cared enough to try. my “training” didnt really do shit for anyone. i mean i couldnt save the earth. maybe that was impossible, but also maybe you were a dumbfuck shit for brains who did a terrible job at the one thing you cared so much about that you dedicated your life to it. yeah, i am being a little shit, but does that mean im wrong? not necessarily. i know you know somethin about saying shit thats true but being a total ass about it.

so great fucking job makin me into the strong emotionless hero, no, really, bang-up fucking job on that one, man! i only had ptsd and got scared by loud noises all the time, yknow, cause of the goddamned ptsd. are you proud of yourself? is this what you wanted? well its what you achieved regardless. this is your doing, man, this your grand accomplishment, your legacy: a stuttering mess of a motherfucker who hates fighting and violence and jumps when someone slams a door. great job dude!!!!!

i hope your blood boils when you think about me hugging my boyfriend and telling my sister that i love her. i do love her, and i love john, i love jade, i love terezi, i love kanaya, i love karkat, and i love the mayor. i LOVE my friends and i fucking mean that. all those years of trying to beat the emotion out of me were for nothing, you absolute moron.

i sure hope im a disappointment to you. this isnt cope, its just that i disagree so deeply with all of your beliefs that if i didnt let you down, then i must have done something wrong.

i mean, i guess i really hope that youre a changed person. im never talking to you either way, but itd be for the best if you were. i dont really think ive gotta get into defending why im not, if youre a good person now then you should get it. and if you haven’t changed, then i straight up could not care less what you think

-dave strider

'

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for being Tony Stark’s Daughter (The Teenage Years)

Tony Stark x daughter!reader

warnings:

a/n: this is LONG so please dont let this flop

prompt: y/n is 12-16, takes place from Avengers 1 to Avengers 2

The Early Years (1) The Intense Years (3) The Aftermath (4) Continued (5)

starting out with tony powering stark tower with clean energy:

it was very late, you were supposed to be asleep

“what are you doing up, missy? it’s way past your bedtime”

“it’s my fault, i let her stay up to see her dad’s big achievement” -pepper

just vibing on the couch with absolutely no intention of sleeping anytime soon

you really did take after your dad

“how was the show, sweetheart?”

“uh, cool?”

coulson showing up when he did

you were excited bc you knew he had to be there for superhero stuff

“hi, agent coulson!!”

“hey there, kiddo!

BEGGING to come with your dad

“no. absolutely not. there is absolutely no way im letting you get involved in any of this”

you got involved

but like, not the whole “im a 12 year old superhero” involved

“y/n, sweetie, this is dr. banner, you’re gonna be his assistant in the lab!”

“—what?” *bruce utterly shocked*

talking that man’s ear off oh my GOD

he taught you a few things along the way, though

it ended up being very educational

“yeah i built my own suit! it’s definitely not as cool as my dad’s...and he put a bunch of safety controls on it. obviously, i could bypass them and do whatever i wanted, but it’s best not to break his trust, you know?”

“you are astonishingly wise for a 12 year old”

bruce being kind of scared around you because he thinks he could hurt you

also scared you might hurt yourself on the scepter

CASUALLY talking to the rest of the avengers

“so, you’re stark’s daughter? now i’ve met three generations of starks.” -steve

“oh, wonderful, there’s a smaller one!” -thor

“hey, y/n, it’s good to see you again. still practicing those moves i showed you?” -natasha

listennnn as you got older you started to exert more of your father’s personality traits

you developed his sarcastic and occasionally ill-timed humor...and

YOU WERE COCKY AS FUCK

“i mean, i’m not saying that i’m better than you but i know you’re thinking it”

when the helicarrier was attacked nobody really knew the correct way to protect you

“dad? dad??”

“right here, y/n, come with me”

tony brought your suit for emergency purposes

“you put this on and you stay here, understand?”

oh, another thing you got from him? NOT LISTENING

helping where you could, the first step to becoming a superhero, right?

being really upset when coulson died

but understanding that it was apart of the job

going back to new york for some alien ass kicking and having the whole team check on you every thirty seconds

“y/n, how’s it going?” “stark junior, are you doing okay?” “need any help out there, kid?”

“you guys don’t have to babysit me” “i’m still kickin’ it, thanks”

tony calling right before he went through the wormhole

“hey sweetheart, just gotta let you know that i love you and i am so proud of everything you’ve done”

the avengers holding you back from him when he fell back to the ground because you were unreasonably worried for obvious reasons

“is he breathing? steve? steve, let me see him! JARVIS, are you there?”

falling on the ground and hugging him (with your clunky-ass armor still on)

“hey! yeah, i missed you too”

*clink clink* pat on the back

schwarma stop

“you’re gonna eat it and you’re gonna like it”

having your own input on the stark tower remodel

taking a slight pause for random stuff

you’ve definitely drawn his mustache/goatee on your face before

“please tell me that’s not permanent marker”

“it’s permanent marker”

you and pepper doing mother/daughter things for bonding (but you and her already had a great relationship)

unreasonable amount of cussing from your father has rubbed off onto you and now he doesn’t notice when you say bad words

natasha taught you how to shoot so that was cool

“if i can shoot a repulsor, i think i can shoot a gun”

“whatever you say, baby stark”

obviously the team is just a bunch of protective uncles and an aunt

“i miss [insert avenger here]”

resume to iron man 3

just tinkering in the shop with pops

“are you sure that’s safe, dad?”

“duh, why wouldn’t it be safe?”

you were right and it was not safe

sometimes you proved your dad wrong and it made him happy?

“well would you look at that, you’re right”

learning how to help your dad with his anxiety and panic attacks

the house in malibu got blown up and your dad disappeared

you were benched by pepper effective immediately

“don’t you think it would be better if i were still out there? someone has to be out there and...i don’t know, protect the people?”

“y/n, please, you’re still a kid. i can excuse fighting aliens but i draw the line at terrorism”

“you can excuse fighting aliens??”

pepper sent you to a different house and hired a...babysitter

zip zip zip its AOU time yall remember the beginning of that at the hydra base

*explosion* “oh, shit! didn’t mean to do that...”

“watch your language, y/n!” -cap

“don’t tell my daughter what to do!”

having an external monologue that everyone just kind of rolls with

“glad i put a heater in this suit” “anyone up for burgers?” *humming Eye of the Tiger*

going back to the lab with tony and bruce and being very uncomfortable with the idea of ultron

“okay dad, you know how im usually right?”

“lighten up, kiddo. remember what i taught you about trial and error? this is a learning experience”

*bruce and you side eying*

“i’ll ground you”

“what?!”

“kidding, im kidding”

a lot of kid jokes from other partygoers

“isnt it past your bedtime”

“very funny”

actually dressing up nice for a change, as opposed to an oil-stained band tee

but then ur outfit was ruined because you had to shoot murder bots :(

“not cool! i designed this room!”

tony still got all the blame for ultron while you and bruce went 😬

tony made a joke about ultron being your brother and you didn’t talk to him for hours

“oh, come on! you have to learn to laugh at your mistakes!”

“poor choice of words, stark” -literally everyone

🎶getting to see your worst feaaar🎶

which was a mixture between tony not surviving the wormhole and being abandoned and vulnerable again

your phone got confiscated “because of ultron”

meeting wanda and pietro on better terms

“you are stark’s daughter?”

“um, yeah, that’s me. i sincerely apologize for anything he’s ever done wrong while i’ve been alive”

actually getting along with them (plus you were in a similar age range)

“uncle rhodey!!!”

“staying out of trouble, i hope?”

“define ‘trouble’”

okay okay, enough of that. besides a few robots hitting you and you hitting harder...and ultron taking a couple personal jabs at you after accessing some of your social media accounts...it went back to normal(ish)

you made a friend of wanda and visited the avengers compound weekly and helped with training

and nat gave you some spy pointers to help you if you ever found yourself without the suit

when you left the compound after thor that day, you had some nice father/daughter time

“why don’t i give you a driving lesson, yeah?”

“you’re gonna trust me to drive this thing?”

“sure, why not?”

you drove very fast, wonder where you learned that from

he was clasping onto the seats and whispering curse words

“next time, you can drive with happy”

[juminsmysticmc]

Hiya! Im still a bit new to tumblr so i dont know if this is exactly how i ask for a request ^^; if its not im sorry ,_, but ill to request a RFA and V, Saeran meeting with a MC with one arm (like she lost her arm in a accident, etc.) PS i love your content! Its very interesting, enjoyable, admiring, and fun to read! Have a good day/night take care of yourself! :)

RFA + Minor Duo meeting a Mc with only one Arm

Hello Baby! Thank you very much for your nice comment! I hope I didn’t let you wait for too long! And by the way, you did it perfectly right (the request thing I mean) I remember the first time I tried to use Tumblr, ahahahahahah.

Jumin

You were really scared to meet Jumin in person.

You respected the black-haired man and looked up to him  so you didn’t want to make any mistakes to hurt his reputation. You knew perfectly well that other people would talk about you.

But when the guard led you in and Jumin noticed that you only had one arm, he acted as if it wasn’t anything.

He didn’t even ask you, which made you comfortable.

He was literally the first person on earth who didn’t ask you about it, which made you feel special and see him in a special way.

When the night time came, you began to tell him on your own ,,You didn’t ask about the other arm,’’ you began.

,,No, of course, I didn’t. It’s something You need to tell me when you’re comfortable. I don’t want to force you into anything. If you want to tell me, I will gladly listen to you. If not, I will patiently wait for you to be ready,’’ he told you and stroked your hair.

And so you told him about your accident, feeling comfortable telling him for the very first time.

What surprised you too was that no one ever said anything bad about you or your arm, not even that you got an artificial limb two years later, something that Jumin gave to you as a present and made you the happiest woman on earth.

Zen

,,Okay!’’ you took a deep breath and rang the doorbell.

A few moments later, Zen opened the door, surprised to see you.

You weren’t nervous at all.

You were sure of yourself.

And perhaps this was something Zen liked about you too.

The time came and the both of you sat together on the couch and began to talk when he asked you how it happened that you only had one arm.

,,You don’t need to tell me if you’re uncomfortable. I’m sorry if I’m being rude,’’ Zen tried to explain.

,,It’s okay,’’ you assured him.

,,I am okay with it,’’ you nodded and told him, without any problems that it happened in a car accident when you were 17 and driving with your friends.

,,Let’s say that I was lucky,’’ you told him.

,,I mean, I can at least enjoy this moment with you here. My friend, however, didn’t lose an arm. She lost her life,’’ you told him.

This was something that actually made you emotional again, but after Zen hugged you and told you that he respected you for being so strong, you were feeling better again.

Yoosung

,,Mc!’’ Yoosung called you when he could finally meet you.

He hugged you and actually made you notice that he injured his eye. He also told you that he did all this just to save you!

You guys talked a bit until he wanted to take your left hand and noticed that you only had one arm.

Of course he looked a bit shocked and you noticed it, but he quickly looked up at you and looked at you with cute puppy eyes.

,,I’m sorry, this was pretty idiotic of me, right?’’ he asked you.

,,Kinda, yes,’’ you honestly giggled ,,but I am used to these looks so-’’

,,NO!’’ Yoosung shouted.

,,I actually thought I saw wrong and tried to blink a few times. I got worried that my eyes turned so bad in so little time… I’m sorry, I swear, I have no problem with it!’’ he whined.

You could hear from his voice tone that he meant it.

,,It’s okay, Yoosung. I trust you. Let’s talk some more, okay?’’ you smiled.

And indeed Yoosung didn’t seem uncomfortable, but instead tried to make you feel more comfortable and kept holding your hand the whole time, making you feel safe in his presence.

Jaehee

At your first RFA party, your worst fear was that the RFA members would do anything to draw attention to your missing arm.

Well, your fear kind of came true, but also got erased by the happiness you felt when Jaehee asked you to open a shop with her.

The action made you cry out of happiness because if she would have wanted, she just could have hidden the idea about her project, but instead she still asked you because she believed in you.

After the party, you decided to ask her about it ,,I mean, you saw me and you saw that I was missing an arm, why did you still ask me?’’

,,Mc, because this doesn’t matter to me! I like you as a person, not because you have two arms! I like you and your character! I believe in you, just like you believed in me. This time it was my job! And together we can achieve our goal,’’ she mumbled and smiled at you.

The both of you practiced a few times and you could perfectly handle the coffee shop with Jaehee and the help of only one arm.

You became the most famous coffee shop and you and Jaehee were really proud.

Saeyoung

The red haired man already knew from your medical records that you only had one arm so he was kind of prepared.

However, Saeyoung didn’t imagine that his mood would dampen so much when he met you for the first time.

Of course it wasn’t because you only had one arm, but because the situation was really bad.

And besides, he was concerned about your health.

Luckily, things calmed down after the whole mess.

It was a big shock that Jihyun died and it was a pretty hard time with Saeran while he stayed at his house, but after the mess was cleaned up, Saeyoung had the chance to listen to your side of the story since he only knew what happened from the medical records.

You finally told him that when you were younger you leaned your hand outside of the car while driving and one day the car from the opposite side was so close to you, that you injured yourself pretty bad and had to have an amputation.

,,Sometimes I still feel the pain in my arm even though I can’t. It’s called phantom pain,’’ you told him.

But your story only triggered Saeyoung to learn something more about artificial limbs and made him build a super high technology prosthesis for you, of course it was only because you agreed with him and felt comfortable.

Saeran

At night in bed, Saeran still apologized to you for hurting you so badly when he was Saeran.

,,I said horrible things to you,’’ he whispered.

,,Don’t worry,’’ you responded.

Saeran hurt you back then, but Ray helped you feel better and this actually made up for all the mistakes Saeran made.

Besides, you knew that he wasn’t in his right mind.

Saeran had no problem with the fact that you only had one arm. Instead, he was pretty amazed by you and all the things you could do despite only having one arm.

You could also do a lot of things with your feet and this made him respect you even more because he knew perfectly well that he would never be able to top you.

Even though he already had so much to do because of Saeyoung and his ,,Father,’’ he always tried his best to help you and support you with everything you had to do.

Having a person like this actually made you feel so much better.

Jihyun

At first, the blue-haired man got scared that Rika did something to you.

Knowing that you were in an accident still made him very sad, but Jihyun still liked the way you enjoyed life.

You were his inspiration for everything in the world.

And thanks to you, his adopted daughter was also able to learn that everyone in the world, despite being different, still deserved to be treated well.

Jihyun was also the first person you ever told about the loss of your arm and the story behind it.

He still remembered the day perfectly.

Even though the poison made him feel sick, listening to your story on your lap and knowing that he had a strong woman beside him made him get through the pain and made him always confront his fears.

MASTERLIST 1

MASTERLIST 2

MASTERLIST 3

13.09.2020// 23:17  MEST

[hazelenergy]

How I Digitally Paint like a Scenic Artist/Designer

Aka: how I did this and put my degree to good use. 

LONG POST WARNING

Step 1: Research. 

First off, get to your image search. If you are going to be using Google, you may want to type “-pinterest” in the search to eliminate the countless boards. 

I had to figure out clothing that is vaguely late 1800s. I found a multitude of reference images that were fancier clothes- but I wanted to find images of clothing for kindred across all social classes. Photographs from the era and paintings are your friend. They will more accurately showcase what was worn. 

After Fashion research comes location research. The 1890s in America is known for the rapid industrialization. Factories were getting bigger and work days were getting longer. But, I wanted the moonlight to be cascading into the place, illuminating the scene. This means I needed to find a structure that had skylights or let sunlight in. And the best images I found? Slaughterhouses. Fitting, huh?

The same rule for fashion still stands- if you can find photographs or paintings from the era- they’re better. There are tons of places still standing today from the 1800s. But today, they look WAY different. Ya know, Abandoned! So just be sure to take this into consideration if you search “abandoned slaughterhouses” or go trespassing like I did.

Lastly, pose research. Finding the poses for a fight scene can be tedious. So, I enlisted some help from a few fight choreographers and stunt men. You can record their fights and play them back at quarter or half speed. You can also get a mirror and flop on the floor a bunch. I did both. This lets you see the action/motion lines you are going to replicate in the drawing.  Heres how we initially did fina’s pose:

And sometimes you have to go back and get a clean shot. I ended up using this pose for the axe.

Step 2: Set up and Background!

When you open a new file, set it to the dimensions and resolution you want. I was working at 600. Usually, I’m working at 300-350. You can always reduce resolution. Its hard to prevent fuzzy lines if you increase it later. 

I cannot stress the following enough:

You work background to foreground. Big Shapes and areas to little shapes. Work your way forward. What this means is you need to fill in as much space as possible first. Then build your details. I prefer working as follows: Big Solid tones, Soft shadows, Dark Shadows, Highlights, then final blend. Once you finish this, put an overlay on top. This knocks everything back and helps create the illusion of depth. See this at work with the video below or here

Step 3: Figure Drawings + Composition

Utilize that research and images you collected to pose your characters. I create subfolders for each set of figures. Organization is important here. This will help keep you on the right layer and prevent the eternal digital artist struggle of “Fuck that was on the wrong layer!”

Even after you move on to lineart and shading, Keep the sketch layer as a reference. You may need to see what youre original notes/ figures looked like as you do the lineart and shade. Don’t be afraid to move them around and alter the composition rn. You want to be able to make changes. Make notes! Detail light sources! 

I’m about to through out some art jargon:

You want to think about asymmetric balance. The easiest way to achieve this in an eye-pleasing manner is to use the Fibonacci spiral. Yeah. This boi:

Place your figures and actions in a similar sequence to the spiral and the viewer’s eye tends to naturally follow it. This is sometimes called the Golden Ratio in the art world. 

Doesn’t need to be perfectly on the spiral. You can break it- but its an excellent tool to plan how things move in the piece. 

Step 4: Lineart

Once you got things sketched- its time to do the lineart. I’m using clip studio paint’s standard brushes. Nothing fancy. I often switch between the G-pen and the For Effect Liner. Mapping and Turnip are for thicker lines. 

Usually I set these pens to a specific thickness depending on where I’m drawing.

My background figures are lined at 0.05 thickness, the midground is .1 to .2, Fina is .3 and the foreground is .4. I set my stabilization high to help keep my lines smooth. Stabilization 100 means there’s a significant delay between where the pen is and the cursor. I like the stabilization to be at 20 for freehanding and at 50 ish for outlining. Dont become completely reliant on the stabilization though. Good and smooth lineart is drawn from the arm not the wrist. Your range of motion is severely limited if you only move your wrist. Practice moving from your elbow and you’ll be surprised how much smoother your lines get. 

Once I finish lining the figures, I usually go around it with an outline. This does three things: 

1. Solidifies the figure and cleans lineart for paint bucket tool. More on that in the next step.

2. Its a stylistic choice. Helps give it that comic book feel with a heavy outline. 

3. Pushes figures forward or back in the composition. Thicker outline helps denote that a figure is farther forward than another. My background figures have no outline to push them away 

Step 5: Digitally coloring

For each figure you are going to select outside the lineart. 

Create a new layer under the lineart

Invert the selection. Paint bucket. You should now have a solid shape of the figure under the lineart. Do not deselect.

Create a new layer above the one color. Title it solid colors. Paint in thick, solid tones. I like to use the mapping pen and turnip pen to color in my solid tones: skin, clothing, hair, etc.  

After that, deselect. Create a multiply layer if you can. If your program does not have a multiplier function, Pick a tone you want to use for shadows and lower the opacity (usually 30-40% I like to use lavenders or blue tones). It will not be as vibrant, but you can edit it in post. Select off of the solid colors layer. I like to start with skin tones. Use the airbrush tool to create soft shadows. You don’t want to create harsh lines on this layer.

Then repeat this process with harsh lines.  

Then knock it all back with an overlay. If you dont have the ability to create an overlay, you can again drop a solid color and lower the opacity, but you’ll have to mess with the color balance/ brightness/contrast to let all the hard work come through. 

You’re going to repeat this for every single figure. Here’s a few color theory tips though.

Your overlay colors should be darker (not more vibrant) in the foreground and lighter (avoid using pure white) in the background. This helps with the depth of the piece. Things closer tend to be darker (not always true, depends on lighting)

You can choose to use color theory to aid your shadows. Instead of choosing black or grey for shadows, choose a complimentary color. I used a lot of green for this piece, I used red for really dark shadows. Its not that black drains color- its just loses some depth if not used carefully. 

Keep your colors consistent. Helps unify the piece. You can strategically break the consistency to draw focus. For example, Fina is the only figure with a true blue overlay. This helps her stand out from the other figures who have reds and greens. 

Step 6: Touch Ups and Final Renderings

Now comes the most tedious part. If you’re like me, your computer fans have been whirring for the last few hours trying to render this monster of a file. If you havent already,  SAVE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GOOD

These are the last four layers I have for the entire piece. Here, I am trying to create effective and believable lighting. This kind of work I have only been able to achieve in clip studio or photoshop. You can do it with normal layers, but choose your colors CAREFULLY. Stay away from pure white. Carefully utilize your knowledge of light and shadow to create soft highlights. Harsh lines tend to be a stylistic choice for me. The final layer, subtract, dulls out harsh red tones. I used this as a final overlay to help put everyone and everything in the scene. Without it, things are a little too green and skin tones are a little too blushed for vampires.

The challenge here is I want to tone down the red, but not lose the vibrancy of the blood. So, shift it to a blue. This also helped reinforce the “nighttime” effect. Its only a slight change.

Final thoughts:

Whenever you finish something, its important to reflect.

1. I am so FUCKING PROUD OF MYSELF. This is easily one of the most complicated pieces I’ve done in a while- and I’ve made 16′ tall faux stained glass. Brag. Let yourself feel awesome cuz you just made something awesome. 

2. I timed myself on the piece. I could have easily spent another 7 hours on it. But its important to know when to stop messing with it. Partially for budget reasons but also when you get down to the details you can make yourself go insane. Theres also a ton of detail work I lost cuz of overlays or its just too small to notice. Fina’s face? hard to see cuz its not close enough. 

3. I needed to take frequent breaks for this piece. That was good. Resting and stretching was very important. That is one of the reasons why I was able to work so fast. 

4. I started doing more digital art in April 2020. I have to say, practice makes perfect. I practice drawing and digital painting for at least 3 hours a day. 

That discipline has allowed me to improve so rapidly. So- I don’t wanna hear shit about I can’t possibly get this good! Or I couldn’t even draw a stick figure! BULLSHIT. You can. Get yourself some free software like Krita or Autodesk sketchbook and start playing! 

And thats what I got! Thanks for coming with me on this long post! 

[the-wayward-arc]

How Jaune asked Pyrrha out (Dark Angels AU)

*everyone is sitting outside relaxing after a rough mission*

Nora: Then I grabbed its tusks and threw it a death stalker! Impaling it on the stinger!

Ren: it was a Beowolf and it was dazed for a few minutes.

Nora: Fearless leader isnt it true? *notices Jaune isnt there* huh, where is Jaune?

Ruby: he said he had to go to your guys room to grab something, said he had a surprise.

*Everyone sees Jaune coming with a Guitar in hand*

Weiss: *sighs* I thought we were past this! I'm gonna freeze that guitar to his hands!

Yang: Oh this gonna be good, *starts recording*

Ruby: Guys! Dont be mean to him!

Pyrrha: *muttering a bit under her breath* guess I was wrong about us getting closer.

*Jaune walks past Weiss, much to everyone's surprise and stands in front of Pyrrha*

Pyrrha: J-Jaune?

Jaune: *Clears his throat and strums his guitar*

Pyrrha: *Face redder than her hair* I...Uh...

Weiss: *Stunned by what happened*

Ruby and Nora: *Squealing because of how romantic that was*

Yang: *still recording* Woah...Lady Killer sings pretty good.

Blake: Not surprising, heard him practicing last week. Been waiting for this moment. Speaking of, Ren?

Ren: *Sighs* Deal is a deal, here. *hands her 15 lien* two more days Jaune, and i would have won the bet.

Jaune: So...uh...will you go out- *gets tackled by Pyrrha as she kisses his face all over* Gonna assume yes.

-Elsewhere in the Imperial Palace-

Emperor: OH BOY! OH BOY! CRY! CRY! CRY!

Karstodes: My glorious overlord! Are you alright?

Emperor: SOMETHING GLORIOUS HAS HAPPENED AND I'VE LEARNED MY FUCKING BEAUTIFUL SINGING GENES WILL LIVE.

Karstodes: I'm confused my lord? What happened? Also I haven't heard you sing in ages! Oh to hear your voice gets me all exci- *gets punched by a psychic hand*

Emperor: SHUT YOUR FUCKEN MOUTH YOU COCKSTODES! DON'T RUIN THIS MOMENT FOR ME, MY NOODLY BOY GRANDSON HAS WORKED UP THE COURAGE TO ASK OUT A GIRL WHO HAS BEEN CRUSHING ON HIM SO HARD IT COULD CRUSH A DAMN TERMINATOR.

Karstodes: *Thrown down* Ow. Um, my Emperor, you have a grandson? You mean a space marine asked someone out?

EMPEROR: NO. MY SON, LION EL'JOHNSON, IS ALIVE BUT CAN'T REACH ME. HE HAS HAD CHILDREN AND THEY ARE MY BEAUTIFUL GRANDBABIES. IRONICALLY, HE HAD ALL GIRLS AND ONE BOY.....FUCKEN HILARIOUS GIVEN HIS UPBRINGING. ANYWAYS, MY NOODLY GRANDSON HAS SERENADED HIS PARTNER WITH THE BEAUTIFUL VOICE THAT ONLY COULD BE ACHIEVED THROUGH MY GENES. *SOB* ONLY SANGUINIUS HAD SUCH A SINGING VOICE AND NOW MY GRANDSON HAS IT. I FORSEE BLOND REDHAIRED GREAT GRANDCHILDREN SOON! *SOB* I AM SO DAMN HAPPY.

Wamuudes: *slides in the room* My master, I could not help but hear the most wonderful of news. Congratulations my master.

Emperor: THANK YOU. NOW I SHALL USE MY NOT GOD LIKE POWERS TO LET HIM NOW I AM PROUD OF HIM AND THAT HE BETTER TREAT THAT PARTNER OF HIS RIGHT OR SO HELP ME.

Wamuudes: Ooh I'm sure I could teach him a lesson or two in how to please someo- *gets punched*

Emperor: YOU FUCKEN OILY DISAPPOIMENT WILL NOT LUST AFTER MY NOODLE BOY. YOU WILL NOT RUIN THIS FUCKEN MOMENT FOR ME. UNDERSTAND? NOW, BACK TO WHAT I WAS DOING.

-Remnant-

Jaune: *lies on the grass after his team and RWBY had help Pyrrha back to her room since she passed out from the excitement* Well, today has been really good! *smiles but sees something in the sky* huh?

*a projection of the Emperor floats in the sky*

Jaune: Uhhhh....Grandpa?

Emperor: HOLY SHIT IT ACTUALLY WORKED. IM MUFASAING THIS SHIT.

Jaune: Mufasa? What? *pinches himself* I'm not dreaming am i, did I pass out too?

Emperor: NO. I AM HERE FOR THE MOMENT BUT DAMN DOES IT HURT, ANYWAYS. I AM PROUD YOU JAUNE, YOU ACTUALLY ASKED OUT YOUR PARTNER. NOW TREAT HER WELL OR ELSE I WILL SPANK YOUR ASS SO HARD YOU WON'T EVER SIT DOWN AGAIN! UNDERSTAND?

Jaune: *Gulps* Uh Y-yes sir!

EMPEROR: GOOD, NOW! GO FORTH AND CREATE BEAUTIFUL GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN FOR ME! *disappears*

Jaune: *red* Dad did say he likes to embarrass his family at times. Better go see how Pyrrha is doing. *leaves*

-Imperial Palace-

EMPEROR: SWEET MOTHER OF MYSELF THAT WAS PAINFUL BUT HE HAS RECEIVED MY MESSAGE. NOW, TIME TO SCARE DAEMONS IN THE WARP.

[tillman]

Pls infodump about lancelot from what i observe almost everyone hates him? (Ok its understandable bec of his affair with queen) im curious why do you like lancelot? And i remember a few days ago you post that there so many things you want to talk about him? And i want to see you rant/gush about his character, relationships, mental illness, his flaws etc ans also what is the difference between fate lancelot and lancelot in the legends? I want to know more about him he is complicated

OK its not that everyone hates him its that people hate what he stands for. the french side of arthurian lit is VERY focused on making lancelot seem like the greatest knight in the entire world because…. wow… hes french. and french people suck. stop normalizing the french. i like lancelot because of what he COULD stand for. theres a lot of things that could be delved into more (his mental illnesses, his communication issues, his inability to comprehend love, the struggle with being unholy or wrong, ect) but no one ever does. so i stole him hes mine now fuck the french they did him dirty.

uhm ok this is under a cut for talks of kinda heavy topics (lots of mental health talk, lots of abuse talk) and also cus its long. sorry i have a lot to say about him) 

i like lancelot a lot cus i see myself a lot in him. mostly in his mental health and how he ends up dealing with situations. his struggle with violent mood swings and his huge burden of being labeled as a sinner or whatever for a relationship he admits to feeling trapped in is…. relateable… comforting to see in a fictional character i guess. as flawed as he is hes still heralded as a good person. hes still loved by his friends and his family. and thats nice.. i like it. 

uhm for his mental health the main thing that comes out is his struggles with trauma, awful depression, and also just the fact he dissociates a lot. in knight of the cart he is so out of it he doesnt realize a knight is attacking him until hes thrown into the water in which he reacts violently and freaks the fuck out, trying to rip the guy off his horse. he like. physically can not handle extreme emotions and will either fall asleep so he doesnt have to face it (le morte says this is a known quality of him, he does this enough dinadan expects it as soon as he gets mad) or he swings so hard he has an extreme bout of depression (in the vulgate when trying to comprehend his relationship with guenevere and galehaut he just shuts down and spends all his time sleeping or staring at the river) or awful mania (see: the many times guenevere freaks out at him and he gets so upset he jumps out a window and lives in the woods). Lancelot has a lot of unworked out trauma from being r*** twice by the same woman who continues to use him and freak him out so much he cant find camelot safe (triggering another huge spike where he runs off into the woods) or the literal entire end of the legends where he has to deal with the trauma of while having one of his dissociative episodes in combat he accidentally kills gareth, someone he loves and adores like a brother or son and gets so upset he just accepts everything happening and hides in joyous gard, where his cousins have to BEG him to go and defend his honor from gawain whos basically knocking on his door pleading with lancelot to kill him. 

lancelots inability to understand a lot of social nuances is also really interesting but like, ultimately leads to a lot of strife for him most namely galehauts death and gueneveres constant abuse. The thing is Lancelot basically idolizes guenevere and this is where a lot of the abuse and weird shit comes from in their relationship. lancelot was a very young knight who honestly didnt understand anything about BEING a knight when he came to court. the queen knighted him and him, being young and not understanding, took this as “i am her knight! i will do anything for her!” and guenevere just kinda ran with this? i dont rlly wanna go too into it ill do that later when i get farther in the vulgate and can talk more on it but it leads to lancelot being trapped in a relationship he admit hurts him, but the small sliver of love guenevere gives him when she needs him is enough to keep him in because his mindset is still “im her knight! this is what a knight should do for his lady!” Galehaut is a different situation where his blindness to social cues and other shit leads to a lot of drama and hellish shit and when he finally snaps and realizes “oh. oh no this is what love should be” its too late and galehaut is dead and lancelot isnt much better. his own mother has to come and convince him not to literally kill himself over this and sends him into a spiral of depression where he doesnt leave the joyous gard for months. when he does and when he comes back to court, no one really … cares? that galehaut is dead. and this is lancelots first experience with actual love and his first experience with the death of someone close to him. which is an awful double whammy to have to experience. he does have good friends like gawain and dinadan and tristan and his relationship with galahad is good but they all end up dead or turned against him by something thats he did and its just. god its so sad to watch. the only people lancelot is left with in the end are his cousins, and even at the end of all of that hes left alone with the corpses of people he thought he loved. 

like hes a very flawed man. lancelot is a problem causer and not a problem solver. he doesnt try to he really doesnt, he strives to be the perfect knight mostly for some sliver of appreciation from someone he idolizes he never really ends up getting. he doesnt know how to cope, and ends up making things worse when he inevitably ends up screwing shit up because of this. hes called a sinner and unholy by god, and while he is very proud of his son for what he ends up achieving, has to deal with the trauma of the grail quest alone. he ends up killing someone he loves, and who genuinely respected and cared for him like a brother in a fit of him not being able to deal with heavy emotions. like he truly is in the wrong in most situations but like. in such a pitiable way. hes a good person, but lets his flaws overtake him a lot and pushes away the people who want the best for him. its like…. sad. 

(about to talk about fate u can drop off now if u just wanted to read my arthurian lit opinions :-) )

i could go off about fate lancelot and all the problems i have with him for hours but i think the main thing i wanna talk about rn is how they handle his internalization of his life and then just did nothing with it. his wish for the grail is just to be told he was wrong. thats so fucking GOOD!! in life he was heralded as the best knight like of course his one regret was that no one ever stopped him and went “you are wrong. this is wrong. you are doing the wrong thing.” and that being all he wants out of the thing that can grant any wishes is soooooo soo cool and neat. and then they just reduced his personality to “oh boo hoo im so sad im going to fuck a married woman now” like. the fucking dissonance. like lancelot isnt the type for random flings. tristan sure i understand that a bit hes unhinged and hard to characterize and .. honestly does just go around fucking married woman. weirdo. but lancelots entire struggle is over his relationship with guenevere being both wrong morally and literally abusive! i jsut dont get it i dont understand how they built up something so interesting with zero and threw it all out the window it makes me so mad. i dont even wanna talk about fate lancelot anymore rn its giving me a headache cus im so mad. 

[neonwizardheehee]

personal rant & brain dump bc I’m listening to bigbang and feel emo:

so i have a few topics that are circling my mind thus this will get messy (as usual hahaha)

- music as I said I’m listening to bb and the way I wanna cry??? mainly bc i miss my sis talking about them and being all happy and proud.. and just her in general v.v I feel like i overdid her with kpop and that doesn’t feel good. i was supposed to be the baby but i got too invested and now i am so damn invested i scare her :((( it makes me so sad :( but idk how to stop.(current mood & playing: let’s not fall in love) 

 - romance the new girls i met here are so different from the friends i have bc they are extroverts. i never had extroverts as friends before so i feel blessed now. we only met recently but they already were so open to me about things no one ever told me. like 3/4 girls i met talked to me about their first time and BOI i was so glad that we casually talked about it bc my other friends wouldn’t do that in a million years bc they are too shy. it really felt good. also no one judged me which was very reassuring. albeit me feeling a bit dumb bc i couldn’t really add to the convo but apparently I get better at listening ig? also that made me think that sex and dating shouldn’t be such an “important” topic as it is with my friends before. one friend sees it as an achievement to have a s/o but doesn’t talk about it or either brags (kskssk giiirl that’s so funny yet annoying XD yes u can be proud of your boi and brag bc i’m here for that bc i’m just so happy for you but ... not at random moments XDD). this made me realize how ppl refer to their s/o when talking to others. bc my friends who are very chill with their relationship always say their name while said friend (and ofc some others where having a relationship is important) always say “my bf/gf” or “ex” when that specific info is not relevant to the story they are telling XD

anyways it also made me realize how BAD i am with talking about my own feelings and wishes. since talking about my worries feels like complaining and i am good at that - but it feels random and uninteresting for anyone to hear i think to myself (it prob isnt). i feel so smol when asked about that topic and all i wanna answer is “???”. even if there is no pressure. idk why I’m like this and it makes me feel sorry for the people around me :( I’m so confused and idk what the question is. i can do better with writing but idk why but i wanna find out one day hahah. maybe i should just ask my new friends for advice since they are not judging me and i trust them and want to learn to be better with that. altho there’s this thought that I’m uncapable of love which frightens me a lot. I know i’m okay without it and i don’t mind but i feel so sorry for the people who like me? it also might be natural and I’m just stressing myself over nothing so idk what to ask and do -since you can’t force love right? i mean i don’t really believe in love at first sight i guess but rather spending time with that person and liking them a lot. so id why I’m pressuring myself so much with this :( maybe i am just too scared? or maybe i am anticipating too much? it all could be possible bc for everyone love is different and every relationship is different. so it’s mostly me feeling sorry for not giving back as much as i should and could :( - that’s also the reason why I’m so pro polyamorus relationships bc I know I’m not enough and idk how and if i want to fix that bc idk the rules bc there are none hahhaha - but also that makes me feel good bc i know i’m not responsible for someone’s happiness. i am too egoistical and these thoughts work as a self-protecting mechanism I KNOW that’s why i do this. so i’m not stressing myself even more. i just feel so unfairly precious when someone genuinely praises me when we’re just two ppl and no one else :( might be bc i don’t understand that feeling yet. i def want to know that but also i’m scared that it’d take me down a road where i loose myself (for some foolish reason idk why). so in the end ig I keep trying and get used to that (i already made loads of progress this year so ig i shouldn’t feel like I’m being too slow)

- studying okay so next topic is also just me feeling like i do too few. this week went quite okay and i managed to study on out study server everyday (ofc i had my bad days but i still at least smth). well yesterday i hastily did some vocab and then teh whole day i spend with friends & kpop... like LITERALLY until the night. a friend of mine was proud of me for taking a break (me too yesterday) but today i don’t feel good about that :( i missed so much. i’m scared it’ll kick me out of my study routine (since it was so hard to get my ass down to study itself!). i really want to be the person who’s studying every day and feel good about that. so since i have another thing planned today i don’t think i’ll get much done today as well :(((( i just wanna be a wise guy who knows a lot T.T i already made progress i know but... i want more.. i really wanna do well here and not be stuck behind like i was for the past 6 years :( i wanna have ambition again and not just pass... i kind of hope i can manage to study at nights on days like this but also i need my sleep so i stil have to find a solution for that. bc even tho i regret not studying as much i don’t regret hanging out with people. that’s smth i missed out in my first semester and so important in times like this were I’m stuck on my own. 

- religion so i have one christian friend here and yesterday we talked about church services and stuff like that and it was cool learning how it’s with her bc she goes to a very modern church (instead of me going to a traditional one 4 times a year). Suddenly i got sad tho and felt like crying :( even tho she was just stating her opinion i felt attacked and wanted to cry. after some thinking i think it’s just the way we are used to talking about religion bc we both grew up in an area where religion is looked down onto. for me .. i turned to myself and made up my own thoughts and beliefs bc i am too scared to talk and ask someone about it bc of all the accusations around me. religion was not smth to be discussed and only smth for yourself and maybe your family for me. the girl had to fight her way through all the “churches are old and fucked up and scary” things and since she goes to a modern one has good reasoning against them - that’s perfectly understandable and I’m so proud of her for speaking up like that. but like... it hit me on thw wrong side bc i am used to these old traditions and kind of like them even :( so it felt like she was insulting me. even tho she wasn’t.  i just dont know how to talk about religion and how to practice reading the bible or praying and hearing her talk about how she does all these things.. makes me feel invalid :( it’s like the only thing that i have is that i was raised a christian. but y’know for me it was okay since i learned in school not to practice or show my religion.. so idk how to do it... and i feel baby and sad if i have to ask her for some reason. i tried to look up this on the internet but ofc everyone is even more crazily involved there and it scares me SO much. so i unfollowed everyone hahah. i also have this one podcast but i still feel bad bc i’m not able to really read the bible on my own ig :( these days I’m just blaming it on the translation that i have but deep down i know it’s me who’s not able to ask questions at the text. maybe i should try to talk to someone... my sis who’s also in the same situation as me... or said girl to take me along and feel like a complete newbie and a little bit like an outcast bc religion for me is so different than to her.

- christmas i really enjoy the christmas spirit but i also already wanna cry if i think about gifts. i hate that i have so many people i love and will prob get smth from them so i have to make smth in return. i am overwhelmed and scared already. i didn’t even make a list yet T.T feels like i should block time to figure out gifts in my schedule bc I’m just putting it off more and more :( and also i already feel sorry for everyone bc they will get shitty gifts bc I’m so bad at this :(

[thequeenb]

Destiny (part 1)

A request from @lightning-fury

Pairings: KamilahxMC

"What is meant to be always finds a way"

Kamilah was never used on having a relationship neither she was willing to. But Amy came in her life and she was drawn to that woman.

The cold and cynical woman she always was softened under Amy's gaze even she never admitted it. Everything was perfect the first few months, Kamilah cleared her schedule for Amy and spent time with her even texting her something she wasn't familiar with. But all that changed on one specific night.

Amy walked inside Kamilah's office furiously knowing when you play with fire you get burned

"Are you serious??" Amy yelled crossing her arms as Kamilah was surprised she saw her Infront of her, in her office, while she work. No one disturb her when she works. "Who let you in?" Amy laughed sarcastically not believe what was happening "Do i need permission??" Kamilah didn't bother to listen to a mewling mortal, especially while filling in documents that until "I ASKED A QUESTION" Amy now sounded really serious "am i a toy to you? A slut you fuck and then leave???" "Amy if you could j-" but Amy made the decision she wish she never made "look Kamilah you use me and-" but she stopped when she found herself pinned against the wall, Kamilah was Infront of her, eyes red and her sharp fangs out. "Listen to me mortal" she started holding Amy's hands tight "Ouch you hurt me Kamilah!!" But she didn't listen, it was like another person was inside her. "No one. Disturb me. When i work." Kamilah said angrily still holding Amy "Who even are you?? You hurt me Kamilah!!" But she didn't listen to her she wasn't planning to. "You think you matter?" Kamilah's angry voice echoed in Amy's mind. Maybe it was a nightmare, please let it be a nightmare. Kamilah pushed Amy hard, making her land on the floor. "Are you crazy??!!" Amy tried to stand up but Kamilah's strength was unbeatable, she was at her mercy. "Why do you think you are so special? You were just a person to pass my time with when i was free" Kamilah said laughing sarcastically "you really thought i would fall in love with a mortal like you". Amy stood there, tears falling from her eyes, how could she not see it before? Those words cut deeper than a knife in Amy's heart she stared at Kamilah in disbelief. "I will go.." it was all she could say with her shaky voice but before she had a chance to go Amy felt two sharp fangs cut deep into her neck this cant be happening can it? She cares Amy she will stop..she will stop..she.. will..

But Kamilah took it to far this time, drinking Amy's blood like her life depended on it. Amy fell unconscious as she caught her, blood dripping down her chin "That will teach you a lesson" she smirked as she carried her to her car. What happened to Kamilah? The one who used to not care about her safety as long as Amy was safe?

Amy tried to open her eyes even if she couldn't. She heard voices and conversations, she felt needles in her hands but she believed it was just a dream, until she opened her eyes. "Great you are awake Miss Parker" a nurse said reading her clipboard "You fainted last night, Miss Sayeed informed us about the incident, you had a deep mark in your neck that we tried our best to recover but rather than that your health is fine you should be able to leave tomorrow, if you need anything dont hesitate to call me" and like that she left Amy alone. What the hell happened? but then flashbacks came back

"Kamilah stop!!!" Amy moaned in pain not believing what is happening, is that really Kamilah? Is this just another nightmare" "Please..it hurts" she tried to push Kamilah away even if she failed, until everything started to spin around her as she closed her eyes.

"No.." she said as tears run down her cheeks. The woman she trusted with her life failed her. Did she pretended all these months? Was she always this cruel and she was so blind in love to notice? Her head was hurting so she decided to rest, in hope her tears will stop that way.

"Thank you very much" Amy said to her nurse as she was exiting the hospital. The sun went down so she wrapped her hands around herself trying her best not to cry. How could she do this? Until now she never found a logical explanation to what caused that behaviour.

Amy walked by Priya's club one drink never hurt anybody.

As she entered the loud music made all her thoughts disappear so she walked to the bar "One dry martini" she ordered as the barman gave her a smile "here you go Miss". Amy drank it in one shot feeling the alcohol burn her throat. Before she could get up she felt a cold hand on her shoulder "Well well" Priya said smiling widely, Amy wasn't in the mood to speak as she waved at her "Follow me, to much loud music here" she said pulling the girl to her large office

Amy sat in one of the huge leather chairs as Priya did the same "Now then to what i owe this pleasure?" The fashion designer said holding Amy's leg "i needed a drink" Amy said coldly, even Priya sensed that something was wrong "Hmm..What happened hm? You dont seem well" is that a genuine concern by Priya Lacroix? Was she really ready to talk about it? But she needed to get it out of her chest so she explained to the vampire what happened watching Priya's eyes turn red "That two faced bitch!!" she said shocked "i knew grandma wasn't as she showed she was" Amy started sobbing running her hands to her hair "Shhh dont cry" Priya said pulling her into her hug, Amy felt safe, like someone really cared about her well being, she enjoyed the warmth "You know you cant sit crying like someone weak would..my forte is revenge" Priya said smiling widely "and you can make her pay". Amy took those words very seriously.

2 months had passed and Amy was weak and vulnerable sitting on her couch all day. She never told anyone what happened but then she touched her wound tears forming in her eyes. "Ouch..". Kamilah never healed her, she left her at her own luck. How could she be so heartless? Amy swears she saw vulnerability in Kamilah's eyes, but then again maybe she was wrong. Amy stood up feeling dizzy as she approached a mirror. She looked at the bite, it was hurting to much. Was that her punishment? Her thoughts were to much to handle as she fell to the floor crying. You can make her pay..you can make her pay.. "I will make her pay" she finally said wiping her tears.

"Are you sure you will be ok?" Lily said as she watched Amy pack her things "absolutely Lil, its a one time opportunity" Amy decided to build her own future, she found someone who was interested in her ideas and wanted to proceed further into giving her a chance. "Dont forget to call me" Lily said wiping her tears "Oh come here" Amy said hugging her best friend goodbye as she walked to her taxi.

Los Angeles, 10pm 3 months later

Amy succeeded to be the best at what she did, many doors opened for her when her ideas were fascinating and helped the company rise to the top. "And our outcome has increased to 30 million dollars a month" Amy said proudly looking over at her boos who nodded in disbelief.

When the meeting ended her boss called her in his office. Amy has been waiting for this month's now. "Hello Amy take a sit" the old man said crossing his hands. "You are remarkable, you sacrifice everything in a little amount of time for this company" Amy smiled "I am determinated at what i do sir" "Please call me Harry" he said smiling. "So the reason i called you here is because i am actually retiring" Amy tried to hide her excitement "And i couldn't think of a better person to rule this empire, you made me proud" Harry said extending hands with Amy "I wont disappoint you i promise"

Everything she ever wanted was right in her hands, she had power glory but what she missed the most was revenge, revenge on the one who broke her as a person and made her feel weak. She stroked her wound reminding herself how cruel Kamilah was its time for you to pay.

Since she decided to make a new beginning she never looked back, she didn't pick up phone calls and didn't rest..what she desired was revenge. Amy was sitting on her couch with a glass of wine trying to think of a way to ruin Kamilah's life. What does she care about the most? Hmm..oh i know..her stupid clan she thought smiling widely. "You will regret Kamilah Sayeed".

New York city, 11pm

"Karen bring me more documents please" Kamilah said sitting back on her chair. She haven't tried to find Amy nor she was planning to, she knew she was to good for her and she decided to push her away the cruel way. Months passed by and no one heard of her. Adrian told Kamilah she would try seek happiness and no turning back. "Here you go Miss Sayeed" Karen said handing her the documents and then leaving her alone with her thoughts. Today was her and her brother's birthday, she smiled to herself thinking back to their good memories.

Even if 2000 + years had passed she could never forget him.

"Come on it will be fun" Lysimachus said as he grabbed Kamilah's hand "You will get us in trouble" she said rolling her eyes but she loved when she had the chance to spend time with her brother.

But her thoughts were interrupted by the open TV she had in her office, she was about to close it when a familiar name popped in the screen.

"Former millionaire Amy Parker made her way to the top in a small amount of time working for Mister Harry's Financial Company, yesterday the Empire was handed to the brilliant young woman only 23 years old".

That was enough to see as Kamilah closed the TV. She was surprised to see how Amy who once was a weak woman was now actually building her own empire. But she couldn't care less so she continued her job without ever thinking about it. Big mistake.

Meanwhile,

Amy was attending her party to celebrate her achievement in a beautiful red short Armani dress and sparkly diamonds all around her neck,ears and fingers. Months ago she wouldn't care less for expensive tastes and clothes, but her life changed, she changed. She walked with grace around the large living room of her mansion clicking her glass. Everyone stopped whatever they did as silence fell into the room. "I would like to thank you all for coming tonight to celebrate my success" she said smiling "i want to thank Mister Harry for believing in me" her eyes fell on him who nodded greatfully "and i wish you all a lovely night, enjoy our goods" and like that the room filled with cheers and people chatting about a variety of things.

"Miss Parker they are here" her personal guard said. "Lead them to my office" Amy said grabbing another glass of wine.

As she walked in her large office she was greeted by two women, desperate ones.

"Well well, is there is something i can give you? Wine? My blood?" she said laughing for a brief second and then crossed her legs, her expression serious and scary. "They attacked us again, they are unstoppable, stupid Council" one of the women said as Amy was deep in thought "they dont have mercy for clanless do they?" she drank her wine thinking of possible ways to help.

When she came in Los Angeles the first person she spoke to was a Clanless vamprire that soon became her very good friend. She helped as much as she could given the opportunity and she didn't hesitate to tell them about the Council and their secrets.

"With all due respect but weren't you close to the council members? Especially the strongest one Kamilah Sayeed?" the other woman asked as Amy's expression changed to an unreadable one "Yes. Yes i was" she said like she had poison in her mouth and needed to spit it out "i am sorry i didn't want to-" but Amy held up a hand "Dont, you just gave me a brilliant idea" she said smiling widely.

Tag list: @@galaxyside-0 @scarlet-letter-a0114 @la-guera-69 @amorettemcsky @ilovetaylor13m @idkbutkamilah

[dimarunongmagdecidee]

-----------------wakas---------------

Naalala ko pa yung time na inaayos ko yung blog ko. Sabi ko, hala gusto ko pag nagcollege ako magiging diary ko yung tumblr. So that may il-look back ako pagdating ng araw. Pero guess what? Sabi ng college life sakin "bitch u thot" hahhahaa i never imagined my college life to be this stressful and dreadful. To be honest, di ko alam pinasok ko. Lalo na nag accountancy HAHAHAHHA AS IN NO CLUE AT ALL. Pero anyways I'm writing this post to express my story in summary, sa caption ko kasi I decided to thank the people around me kasi deserve naman nila. Pero dito sa blog ko feel ko deserve ko naman iappreciate sarili ko. HHAAHHAHA.

Gusto ko lang sabihin na adjusting nung first year isn't so easy. Lalo na first time ko sa manila. Tho oo I'm a city girl, di ako galing sa province. Pero kasi di ako street smart so everyday ng byahe ko before pamanila i was very anxious na baka maligaw ako or may masamang loob sa sinasakyan ako or baka kung ano mangyare sakin along the way. Pero yung determination ko na gusto ko to. Dream school ko ust. Kakayanin ko. Kasi honestly di nila support na mag UST ako, aside from we're facing financial problems back then di rin nila ko kaya asikasuhin that time so I have to do all things by myself. Grabe ngayon, I'm super proud to that 16 year old wren. Nakakaiyak. Totoo ngang u need to get out of your comfort zone. Kelangan mong mag stand up kung gusto mo talagang mangyari pangarap mo.

Those 5 years were very rough. Ang daming times na muntik nako magstop. Ang daming problema. Mostly family and money. Yep, wala naman ako problema sa acads maybe that's why ang taas ng expectations nila sakin na ako daw hope ng family. Not gonna lie, sobrang pressure non. Parang wala ako karapatan mapagod. Pero you gotta make you weaknesses you strengths. At I wanna thank God for giving me a stubborn and tough mentality kahit anong dumaang problema sakin. Oo, nalulungkot pero lalaban parin.

I think it was my 2nd year nung naka adopt nako kahit papaano and I enjoyed my college life. Seryoso kasi parang wala akong buhay non nung 1st year. UST-Bahay-UST-Bahay lang talaga ako. No social life at all. Di ko alam siguro dahil time if of essence sakin dahil 4 years ba naman akong commute life. And mostly average of 5 hrs a day byahe ko (back and forth na syempre) pero ayun kinaya naman. GRABE UR A TOUGH GHORL. Pero don't get me wrong di nmaan ako puro aral pag uwi hahahaha nagppaahinga lang ako mostly sa bahay since nakakadrain talaga. I don't know sanay naman ako sa very focused sa acads na school since galing naman akong science high pero iba parin yung patayan dito sa AMV eh. Anyways, second year I started going out with blockies. Going to debuts, staying overnights, and inom na rin syempre :p di naman ako nagpabaya more like enjoying new things syempre uwi parin ako Alabang kaya kelangan may control HAHHAHAHA.

Third year, we shuffled sections because our program have to filter the students kung sino ang BSA at sino ang BSMA and luckily I am still accepted sa BSA iniyakan ko din retention exams kasi I was supposed to be exempted and matic BSA na pero bumaba GWA ko so :-( hahahahha anyways ayun nashuffle and I was super scaree that time kasi ibang mga tao nanaman. As you all know, super mahiyain ako sa mga new people unless sila un amag approach. So ayun another adjusting, another barkada. Solid din naman sila but things happened inside the circle kaya nawala din :( GRABE I CAN STILL REMEMBER THE CONFLICTS FRESH PARIN SA UTAK KO. Tho good terms naman proud ako gagraduate na kami, di lahat pero at least we survived.

Fourth year, I decided to join an org mostly because dun ko nalang makakasama mga OG tropa ko eince BSMA sila lahat at ako lang naiwan sa BSA so nag org ako and naging officer para magkakasama aprin kami kahit papaano. I was the Auditor of our college' local COMELEC. DI KO RIN SURE ANO PINASOK KO THAT TIME. Pero I end up loving the family and the responsibility. Oo, dagdag stress like LEGIT DAGDAG STRESS. Pero iba naman yung balik ng saya whenever you accomplish things and you serve the students lalo na't vital sa bansa natin ngayon yang COMELEC politics stuff. Grabe the joy of looking back sa things na dati akala mo wala lang. Ngayon narerealize mo yung impact niya sa life mo. Kung pano ka nagbago at naggrow. I am amazed self huhu PROUD AKO TALAGA SAYO SERYOSO. SORRY NA. Then ayun di ko pa ba nasabi 5 year course ako. So yung mga tropa kong MA, graduating na by this time. 4th year was when I became a social person kasi syemrpe joining an org tas officer ka pa dami makakasalamuha at makikilala. So ayun, diba nga nawala tropa ko from 3rd year that time, I can still remember how I always go to the classroom ng mga friends kong BSMA every break or every walang klase or kapag sila naman yung may klase nakatambay lang ako sa org room para matulog or magwait or magpalipas oras. Ghad those times I really felt alone, aside sa naiisip kong ggraduate na sila lahat tas ako maiiwan, nasasad ako kasi feel ko wala na talagang constant sa life ko lahat nawawala. Tapos dagdag mo pa na nung 2nd sem nalipat nanaman ako ng section shuta. Buti nalang. Buti nalang talaga super kind din ng mga tao sa napuntahan kong section. And I found my "Betsy" there. Oh diba sino bang mag aakala. Hahahahhaha anyways 4th year ako nagstart makistay sa condo ng friend ko since super hectic ng sched and di na talaga kaya ng uwian dahil yung sched ko panggabi tas may org duties pa. I stayed sa condo ng friend ko pero andon naman mom niya so may nag aasikaso samin. Grabe tita Beth super love ko siya. Sometimes I just stare at her and realize na at least may mother figure pa ako na kasama. If u dont know kasi (or if anyone is even reading up to this point) my mom left our family before ako nagcollege. Siguro gets niyo na why we had so many problems by now hahahahhaa. Anyways goods naman kami ni mommy siya parin tumulong sakin para makapagtapos hehe. Super thankful parin ako sa kanya syempre and ofc i love her still. Anyways ayon nga i felt another family kapag andon ako sa condo na yon which makes me warm and easy kapag andon ako. Super swerte ko talaga sa mga tao sa life ko. Bakit ganon? Super bait mo po G 🥺 shet naalala ko 4th year if thesis season pala. I can still remember the stress. Imagine may thesis ka, officer ka ng org, tapos sabay sabay pa lahat ng major exams grabe yun ata yung first time ko mag breakdown ng dahil sa acads. Seryoso, thats the nearest I was to breaking. Super hirap talaga for me lalo na di ata naiintindihan ng groupmates ko sa thesis na di ko makakayang 100% attentions ko sa thesis because I have other responsibilities. May nasira pang friendship seryoso. I never thought aabot sa point na ganon pero ewan baka ako rin yung mali don. I'm sorry guys!!! Pero congrats satin!! Proud ako sa inyooooo!!!

Fast forward, last year of my college life is IAC sem. Meaning parang rerun ng topic or review nalang for board exam. This time nagpaalam nako magdorm kasi shet last na to if I fail this one sayang naman yung mga taon. Kasi a lot of alumni told na kung madugo na undergrad, mas madugo IAC so I was determined to do better. And thankfully naman pinayagan nako magdorm since nakaluwag naman na and last na. I was so happy that time na magddorm ako shet finally. I wanted to feel independent or learn at least. Pero mostly dahil makakapagwalwal nako ng wlaang nakakaalam HAHHAHAHA char ofc part yun pero that's not the focus. Ayon, nung nagdorm ako I had the MOST SOLID FAM. Since nga diba wala nanaman ako tropa na makakasmaa kasi graduate na ofc so another adjustment nanaman sa life jusko every year nalang talaga. I dont know if sinasabi ko lang to because I am in the present and sila kasama ko now or its just i really feel the genuine love of this squad huhu. Or maybe dahil sila talaga yung nakasama ko through the darkest days sa AMV magkakasama kaming ginago ng sistema, ng admin, ng mundo and sabay sabay din kaming ggraduate ngayon. GRABEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE TANGINAAAA NAKAKAIYAK NAKAKAPROUD. LAHAT NG INUMAN, IYAKAN, PUYAT LAHAT YON MA LAHAT YON NAGPAY OFF. LAHAT YUN MAY REASON. LAHAT YUN DINALA TAYO DITO. Ang daming beses na nagdoubt kami if we could pero look at all of us now huhu lahat kami kinaya. As long as u got each others' backs talaga. Don't let anyone break.

Ayun to sum it up, narealize ko lang na I really value friendship a lot. Feel ko talaga they keep me going. They keep me sane. Super dali ko maimpluwensyahan pag kasmaa sila. They are both my joy and hope kapag stressedt huhu. Thank u self for choosing this path. Thank u for being strong. Thank you for believeing you can. Thank u kasi matigas ulo mo wala ka pake at nag aral ka lang AHAHAHAHA. NO MATTER WHAT LIFE THROWS AT YOU, LOOK AT THIS FEAT AND REMEMBER HOW STRONG U ARE OKI? I LOVE U WREN WREN CONGRATS TO YOUR ACHIEVEMENT!!! Can't wait to finally walk to that QPAV stage with my gradpic on the LCD and getting my diploma 😭😢

ALL THOSE 5 YEARS WAS LIKE A BLUR RIGHT NOW PERO I KNOW THE JOURNEY WASN'T EASY, IT NEVER IS. I HAD MY MOMENTS. PERO SALAMAT SA PAG OVERCOME LAGI. BE HAPPY WREN WREN. YOU DESERVE.

[imreallyfkinsorry-blog]

Honestly right now i feel like shit. This was the last thing i ever wanted to happen. Did you really have to block/unfriend me on everything. Do u really not want to be my friend that badly, i was really upset u didnt even message me once over these 4 days like u wudnt even know, but i accepted it because of u and ur situation, i was ok with not talking to u for months if it atleast meant i can still be your friend, i was so happy for you when i saw ur results like u wudnt believe, i almost called you the second i saw, im still sooo proud of you, i was so excited when i heard u reached this morning i wanted to be the first one to hug u and congratulate you but u cudnt even look me in the eye, that really hurt, i mean like really cant i celebrate your achievements with you? Cant i be happy for you? Even after all that i still bought a freakin slice of cheese cake for u just now in massy to surprise you tomorow, but now i saw that im unfriended. Is what im doin really that bad? All the headpats and snacks and stupid jokes, the cup the pens, the kfc, the chinese food, the bestie card the worrying about you, even not messaging you after 4 or on weekends, even when alicia asked about the art supply crap i told her i probably forgot to give u, I really didnt know i was causing u so much pain, those stupid little things made me so happy, like soooo happy at this shit job, i even got super friendly with like everyone in the office so it wudnt be weird when im around you. Like everyone really likes me now like you wudnt believe, everyone just comes up and touches me or makes some joke or pushes me and honestly thats all thanks too you, the fay-cade is serious af, ugh it may sound like im just rambling on but thats because i am just rambling on, this may very well be the last message i send you so im sorry if its long i just have alot to say. I even made a new account since u know im probably blocked. Look tbh i understand y u blocked me and dont want to talk to me outside of work u think this is gonna make ur relationship healthier and perfect and at the end of the day as much as i throw tantrums and bitch about u not messaging me and neglecting me, i still do 100% platonically love you, you are still MY best friend you can block me, unfriend me even pass me straight in the office, nothing is gonna change that,i may not attend your wedding but i want you too know i want you to be happy,i genuinely do, you fucking deserve that, you deserve the best tho i not gonna lie and say ur not an asshole or very immature or that u treat me like shit, but jesus tap dancing christ its those little things that you do that make me soo happy, i just want you to be sooo happy and i want to thank you for being my friend, like really, thank you Lorrie. I can never hate you....

Nvm u made me cry today,i was setting up this cool joke from a tiktok vid i saw and u just ripped me apart, i had to go outside to play it off, now stacy ann thinks i hav corona or some. I was dissapointed in u in that moment but i will never hate you so u can hate me all you want, act agitated with me all you want, act like im bothering you all you want, im still gonna pat ur head, smile with you, bring you snacks and defend you whenever i hear the slightest inkling of someone insulting u. You know what u were being a dick for today im gonna eat your cake now. Btw my friend came to pick me up today thats why i stayed back late then i saw u, were u running from me? Thats kinda freaking depressing and kinda really hurt but still

I DO NOT HATE YOU,

Still i am sooooo fucking proud of you tho, fucking distinctions hoe fucking hell you bad bitch.

Im probably gonna leave JD soon so please please please please dont hate me until then, i cant deal with passing you straight and not talkin to u, we can talk about suppliers and staplers for hours if u want, im just sooo fkin sorry i made u feel like that so please dont hate me, honestly there really is something wrong with me, im trying to work on it.

I started writing this to fkin get everything off my chest and tell you y i hate u but i cant, i really cant.if today or tomorrow something happens to either of us i dont want today to be the way we remember each other.

You're my friend, you always will be, even if everyone is against you, even if its 40 years in the future, even if you never talk to me again, you can always come to me, i will always be there for you, no matter what.

Btw if u think ghosting me is gonna get u away from me buyin you a birthday present then you dont know me atall.

Can you atleast just add me back on facebook, this actually really bothers me, i really like to see the shit u post once in a while, i promise never to message you and i promise not to post anything so u wont have to see me...please.

If not then ok, im still gonna be down but i dont hate you and i am soo sorry i forced you to have to go this far i really really didnt wanna hurt you. Being your friend has made me so goddamn happy these couple months,like every single day was something to look forward too but if i have to sacrifice my happiness in order for you to be happy,as much as ot fucking hurts, then so be it, I can live with that.

Thank you for being my friend, like truly thank you,that meant so much to me even if it was for a short while. Thank you.

Again im sorry and please dont hate me

Lol now finish the cake.

Im so proud of you, u smart muthafker and im lovin the person your becoming, strong, intelligent and beautiful. You deserve to be happy, you earned that right and i hope you get everything you want. Im praying for it, like to indian jesus and the spagetti monster.

Good bye, i may not come tomorrow.

Pawny stays with me until i leave, no kidnapping or chicken protective services😤

Thank you for everything, thank you for being such an amazing friend and for being there for me I really and truly appreciate it...... and please dont not forget me.

Add me back😢