#an expression of frustration and discomfort

[neuroticbookworm]

Lessons from Heesu in Class 2 finale

One of the things I've really loved about Heesu in Class 2 is that the show has always made its characters speak their thoughts to each other. Clear communication is usually not a forte of teenagers, but the way it is done in the show feels realistic, while also modelling good conflict resolution for the teens.  Chanyoung just fleeing the room after hearing Heesu's confession was hurtful to Heesu in the moment but completely understandable from Chanyoung's perspective because he was completely taken aback by the confession and needed time to process it. And when he did, he called Heesu into *his* safe place, the tennis court, and smacked Heesu a little for putting him on the spot like that. Once Chanyoung had exhausted his anger and frustration, he expressed his regret for not reacting better in the moment, which released the tension and gave way to them falling into their normal rapport of teasing each other. 

And as the scene progresses, we learn that Chanyoung not only took the time to process Heesu's past feelings for him and how he feels about it, he then thought about and figured out the reason for Heesu's emotional turmoil beyond the information Heesu had given him in that room. He realized that Heesu must’ve confessed to him not because he wanted to pursue him romantically, but because he is interested in somebody else and was seeking closure on his past crush on his best friend. He surprises Heesu by asking him if he likes Seungwon, and when he learns that Heesu has not told Seungwon yet, he pushes him to confess to Seungwon, much like how Jiyu was pushing Seungwon to do the same in the previous episodes.

I really loved how the show took the time to flesh out these characters, making them multidimensional and complex. Chanyoung’s subpar reaction to his friend coming out to him does not make him selfish, it makes him human. And expecting Chanyoung to tone down his extremely valid emotions to make himself palatable to his friend in a moment of discomfort between them would be hypocritical, especially when that expectation is framed as well-intentioned towards a queer character.

And the show’s commitment to modelling good communication was also reflected in Seungwon’s confession to Heesu. Over the course of the show, the carrot juice box went from something that made Heesu curious about his secret admirer, to an object that was in the middle of an effort to forcibly out him to his classmates and friends. Seungwon initiating his confession with that juice box recontextualized all of his actions throughout their friendship to Heesu, and he was rightfully angry at Seungwon for letting the ruse go on for so long. Heesu was mad at the disingenuity and the meddling of it all: Seungwon secretly liking him from Day 1 of their friendship means that he has always had more information about things happening to Heesu than Heesu himself. It is humiliating to know that every interaction you’ve had with a person you’ve considered a friend had hidden motivations.

But Heesu also understands why Seungwon did it; it is the same reason why it took him so long to confess to Chanyoung. Seungwon telling Heesu that he’s really sorry for lying but he did it because he likes him too is not lacking in explanation because we know that Heesu would understand exactly what he means, because he did the same thing with Chanyoung. Both of them meddled in their crushes’ lives in hopes that they would magically fall in love with them because the thought of confessing to them directly and getting rejected romantically as a queer teen was too scary and painful. When they finally embrace each other, we could see that tension drain from both Heesu and Seungwon, as they feel the other accept and understand them, despite their past actions and choices.

I am very happy that we got a show where the characters were allowed to be flawed and human, while also having them treat each other with kindness and understanding. I think Heesu in Class 2 did an excellent job of balancing the realities of being queer while also instilling hope that kind and meaningful community and relationships can be built, even in the fucked-up, non-bl-bubble world where homophobia exists.

[interstellarsystem]

I just had a realisation. For clarity, this whole thing is from a lens of within the alterhuman community, excluding outsiders sentiments.

So, you know how fictionfolk often get upset by things posted in fandom spaces about their source, and they're essentially given a "you have to acknowledge it's not about you the person it's about the character so you need to get over it" as a response? And that's the general community sentiment. It's only seen as ok to be upset at all if someone's being an ass to your face directly about you, and if not then you have to separate from your source to "get over it because it's not about you". Sometimes even if someone is being weird about your source to your face, you get mixed responses and people telling you it's "not that deep".

But.. with animalfolk (and otherkin who aren't generally seen as fictionkind). I think from what we've seen it's more normalised if a fox therian sees someone saying foxes are stupid and gets upset. It's more okay for a dragonkin to get pissy when people say all dragons are xyz. And if someone brings animal-based stereotypes to an animalfolk like "dragons are all stuck up" to dragonkin, they're 9.9/10 times going to be backed up fully by the community around them. This is ignoring when animalfolk are making comments like "these animals in these cute videos are being mistreated" and correcting misinformation--because that's a separate thing of them informing and reducing harm as opposed to a personal vent. I'm only talking about the community-wide "valid" responses to criticism of your source and emotions around that.

Fictionfolk who are also animalistic or things like fictherians aren't exempt from the treatment of fictionfolk mentioned above, either, so it feels less about animality (and less about what's "physically real" due to non-animal otherkin/mythkin) and more about the identity being fictional in general.

Now I know animals are "real" (and in the case of dragons/other mythkin who aren't earth animals, well-established in the alterhuman community) and fandom should be allowed to exist as fandom, I'm not advocating for fictionfolk shutting fandom up or anything. This is about the allowance of emotion people feel. I'm not talking about what animalfolk or fictionfolk do in response to these situations, just simply the way others react when they simply express discomfort. Animalfolk from what we've seen aren't told to separate from their identity "just a little more" so they're less upset when people call cats stupid or ugly, they're usually supported. Fictionfolk on the other hand are much less likely to be supported and more likely to be told that for their own health, they should separate from their source. It feels so vastly different in how these things are handled.

And of course, nothing against animals or animalfolk--it's just a longstanding thing that fictionfolk are left behind a fair in the community bit so animalfolk are the baseline of how people should be treated by their community in my opinion.

On a similar vein of thinking, factfolk (including nonhuman factfolk) are often dragged through the mud even moreso than fictionfolk, in very similar ways. You have to be careful with what you say as a factive or someone will accuse you of... Anything under the sun, really. Especially if you talk about your source and your feelings about them. Factfolk are expected to be largely separated from their source in general, not just when they dare to have emotions about it. Which... Isn't great!

Maybe this post is an ice cold take but the "you need to step back from your identity" idea is really normalised and--yeah, in a lot of cases it's healthier to step back, but.. Why is that the response given to people venting? Why do we expect fictionfolk and factfolk to readily sever their close-knit connection to their source whenever others think it's too unhealthy for them? To change who they personally are whenever they vent their frustrations? Why are fictionbased and factbased identities treated as less of an irremovable part of you and something you should bend and remove yourself at least partially from? The more I think about it, the more it feels incredibly unfair that it's so normalised.

And I think it shows that yeah, there's a long way to go for acceptance of fictionfolk and factfolk in our community. These things need to change and have needed to for a damn while. I don't have any solutions, but I have opinions and rambles, so maybe sharing them will spur something on. At the very least I hope some people see this and feel seen, and feel like it's not morally wrong or a personal failing to feel upset when your source is insulted--or anything of the sort, for that matter.

[ignitesthestxrs]

there's something about the way people talk about john gaius (incl the way the author writes him) that is like. so absent of any connection to te ao māori that it's really discomforting. like even in posts that acknowledge him as not being white, they still talk about him like a white, american leftist guy in a way that makes it clear people just AREN'T perceiving him as a māori man from aotearoa.

and it's just really serves to hammer home how powerful and pervasive whiteness and american hegemony is. because TLT is probably the single most Kiwi series in years to explode on the global stage, and all the things i find fraught about it as a pākehā woman reading a series by a pākehā author are illegible to a greater fandom of americans discoursing about whether or not memes are a valid way of portraying queer love.

idk the part of my brain that lights up every time i see a capital Z printed somewhere because of the New Zealand Mentioned??? instinct will always be proud of these books and muir. but i find myself caught in this midpoint of excitement and validation over my culture finding a place on the global stage, frustration at how kiwi humour and means of conveying emotion is misinterpreted or declared facile by an international audience, frustrated also by how that international audience runs the characters in this book through a filter of american whiteness before it bothers to interpret them, and ESPECIALLY frustrated by how muir has done a pretty middling job of portraying te ao māori and the māoriness of her characters, but tht conversation doesn't circulate in the same way* because a big part of the audience doesn't even realise the conversation is there to be had.

which is not to say that muir has done a huge glaring racism that non-kiwis haven't noticed or anything, but rather that there are very definitely things that she has done well, things that she has done poorly, things that she didn't think about in the first book that she has tacked on or expanded upon in the later books, that are all worthy of discussion and critique that can't happen when the popular posts that float past my dash are about how this indigenous man is 'guy who won't shut up about having gone to oxford'

*to be clear here, i'm not saying these conversations have never happened, just that in terms of like, ambient posts that float round my very dykey dash, the discussions and meta that circulate on this the lesbian social media, are overwhelmingly stripped of any connection to aotearoa in general, let alone te ao māori in specific. and because of the nature of american internet hegemony this just,,,isn't noticed, because how does a fish know it's in the ocean u know? i have seen discussions along these lines come up, and it's there if i specifically go looking for it, but it's not present in the bulk of tlt content that has its own circulatory life and i jut find that grim and a part of why the fandom is difficult to engage with.

[lokh]

LISTEN... for all that shuro is frustrated by him he really Gets who laios is. it's because he understands him so well that he felt bad about being frustrated for so long

[ghosts-and-glory]

I know you've previously said that you don't like anyone misgendering Shamura, but what if it's in a flashback? Like Shamura used to be male/female and then transitioned to they/them pronouns.

Would that be an acceptable form of misgendering, since it would be backstory for explaining how Shamura is now they/them?

Y’all really do just want any excuse to disrespect non-binary people huh?

I really like how the idea of Shamura having a binary sex is stated as a fact/sar. As if cult of the lamb has any references to binary sex. This also assumes that I’m the ultimate authority on Shamura’s gender. “Acceptable form of misgendering,” Jesus.

[pastmuse]

The girl I work with on wednesdays and saturdays pisses me off so bad lol .. I actually like my job but she makes me wanna go home -_-

[imtheiliad]

Anyway, just a reminder, that having anon on is not an open invitation to bitch and moan in someone’s inbox 🩷

[kbwrites]

Heated Waters

synopsis: being married is hard, being married without seeing each other is even harder.

⚝ content: Hiromi Higuruma x F! Reader, nsfw, bathtub sex, fingering, Hiromi neglects his wife, but boy does he make up for it

⚝ wc: 1.9k

“Yeah we do it pretty much every day.”

Satoru said, taking a leisurely sip of his water. His pale face alight with mischief, a shit-eating grin across his lips. His three coworkers stared at him in (jealousy) disbelief.

Suguru was the first to break the silence, wanting to save face “Everyday is a bit much, isn’t it, Satoru?”

Satoru chuckled, his blue eyes glinting with amusement as he watched his friend squirm. "What about you guys? How often do our married friends get it in?" His gaze flickered to Nanami, who cleared his throat and adjusted his glasses, his eyes fixed on the steam rising from his coffee cup.

“Twice a week, I suppose…”

Satoru's smile widened, clearly entertained by the responses he was drawing out. He then turned his attention to the oldest among them, Hiromi Higuruma, who was carefully straightening his tie, a subtle attempt to avoid eye contact.

“What about you, Higuruma?”

“Your wife, (Y/N) is a little younger than you, right? C’mon Higuruma-San…She a total freak?” Satoru teased.

Hiromi's jaw tightened, a flicker of irritation crossing his features as his grip on his coffee cup tightened. He took a slow, measured breath, his voice strained but controlled when he finally spoke.

“Please don’t talk about my wife like that.”

But Satoru, ever the instigator, didn’t back down. “It’s just us guys riiggght? And I can’t lie Higuruma, you’re one lucky guy. (Y/N) is a catch.”

Nanami nodded in agreement, as did Suguru, though both seemed to sense the discomfort growing in Hiromi. The older man could only sigh, his shoulders sagging under the weight of the conversation.

It was true—you were everything he could have ever wanted in a partner. Beautiful, intelligent, kind-hearted—his perfect match. If heaven existed, Hiromi was certain you’d be the only one worthy of it.

But long nights in the office, and early mornings preparing for court would take a toll on any relationship. The truth was… Hiromi hadn’t touched you in over a month. By the time he came home—you were fast asleep, and weekends were spent running the mountain of errands you couldn’t get to during the week. You loved each other of course, but it was hard. A month without feeling the warmth of your husband's hands all over your skin was starting to weigh heavily on both of you.

“You don’t have to answer Higuruma-san..” Nanami chimed in, sensing his elder colleague’s discomfort.

“Over a month.” Hiromi exhaled, the truth slipping out before he could stop it.

The room fell silent, the weight of his words sinking in.

“WHAT?” Gojo audibly gasps. “Your wife looks like THAT and you haven’t f—”

Suguru swiftly cut him off with a well-placed elbow to the chest. “Satoru… leave Higuruma alone.” The long-haired male warns. “Still, that is surprising.”

“I know I know..” Higuruma pinches his bridge. He wanted nothing more than to have his wife under him… on top of him. But the endless stream of work kept him trapped in a cycle of exhaustion. “I’ve been so busy I can’t even remember the last time I actually spoke to her properly.”

Suguru offered an apologetic smile. “Sounds like you need a break.”

“Sounds like you need some puss—” Nanami quickly elbowed Satoru in the chest before he could finish his sentence.

Hiromi shook his head, letting out a dry chuckle as he ran a hand through his dark locks, clearly frustrated with himself. “I appreciate your concern, guys, but I don’t see how I can take a break right now. I have so much work to do, and I’m the only one who knows how to handle all of it.”

“Higuruma-San. Satoru will take care of the paperwork for you.” Nanami suggested with a deadpan expression.

“HUH?” Satoru blurted out, clearly caught off guard by the sudden assignment.

“Yeah,” Nanami continued, ignoring Satoru’s protest. “It’s not like he actually does any work around here anyway.”

Suguru smirked, nodding in agreement. “That’s true. You might as well make yourself useful, Satoru.”

Before Hiromi could protest, the trio moved in unison—Suguru grabbing Hiromi’s briefcase, Nanami steering him toward the door, and Satoru sighing dramatically as he resigned himself to the task.

“Are… are you boys sure about this? I don’t want to burden you–”

“Nonsense! Go home and take care of your wife!”

Hiromi placed his briefcase by the door, his tie feeling suddenly too tight around his neck. He loosened it with a sigh, running a hand through his hair as he glanced around. The familiar scent of home greeted him. It was comforting yet bittersweet, a reminder of all the moments he had missed. The living room was tidy, the soft hum of the dishwasher running in the kitchen. You had clearly been busy, taking care of the house as you always did, even when he wasn’t around.

“Honey?” Hiromi calls out to you, his voice echoing slightly in the stillness.

Frowning, he shrugged off his jacket and draped it over the back of a chair before making his way down the hall. As he approached the bathroom, he noticed a faint light seeping out from under the door, accompanied by the sound of water gently lapping against the tub.

He hesitated for a moment, then slowly opened the door.

The sight that greeted him made his breath catch in his throat. There you were, reclining in the bathtub, your eyes closed, head resting on the edge as steam rose around you. The soft glow of candles illuminated the room, casting a warm, serene light over your features.

You looked so peaceful, so beautiful—that it almost hurt to look at you. The tension in his shoulders eased slightly as he took in the sight, but the guilt and longing only deepened. How long had it been since he’d taken the time to appreciate you like this? Since he’d been able to just… be with you?

You opened your eyes, gaze meeting your husband as he leaned against the door frame.

“Hiromi?” you murmured, your voice soft, almost questioning, as if unsure whether he was really there or just a figment of your imagination.

“Hey Honey…” his voice equally soft, as he took a tentative step closer. The warmth of the room seemed to wrap around him, melting away some of the day’s stress.

“You’re home early.” You muse, looking at him as you rested your arms on the tub. He doesn’t respond, just walks towards you with purposeful steps.

Hiromi stares down at you with half-lidded eyes.“The guys decided I need a break.” He paused, his breath hitching slightly as he continued, “Can I join you?” A playful smirk tugged at the corner of your lips.

“Only if you take off your clothes this time.”

A dry chuckle escaped his lips as he unbuttons his dress shirt, letting each article of clothing fall to the tile floor. As he finally sheds his boxers before settling behind you. You exhaled softly, the tension you’d been holding onto for weeks dissipating as you sank into your husband’s embrace.

Hiromi didn’t waste a moment, his lips finding the sensitive skin of your neck, placing lazy, lingering kisses along the curve where your shoulder met your throat. His breath was warm against your skin, his kisses slow and unhurried, as if savoring every second, every inch of you.

His hands weren’t idle either, tracing gentle patterns along your stomach, moving upwards to cup your breasts with a tenderness that made your breath hitch. He nipped lightly at your earlobe, his voice a husky murmur, “I’ve missed you… more than you know.”

“Missed you too ‘Romi..” Your voice trembling as the almost foreign heat began to pool in your core.

Deft fingers teased your nipples, rolling and pinching��eliciting a soft moan from your lips as your body arched into his touch. Your hand reached back, tangling in his dark locks, pulling him closer as his lips traveled down to your shoulder, his other hand snaking under the water to your aching cunt.

“ahhhh… s-shitt..” You cry out as Hiromi’s fingers slowly circle your swollen bud. His touch light, teasing.

“Thirty-two days… I’m so sorry m’love.” He mumbles into your shoulder as he slips a slender digit into your entrance. Your walls flutter immediately around the intrusion, as he gently pumped into you.

He adds another finger, curling up to the spot he had neglected all those weeks. He extended his thumb to rub your clit. You arch your back against him, feeling his cock twitch against your ass.

“Hiro…” you moan, reaching behind for him, but he bites down lightly on your shoulder.

“Not yet, pretty girl, want you t’cum first okay?”

He whispers as he feels your gummy walls clench around him.

He speeds up his ministrations, digits stuffing your cunt as your pussy throbs and squelches. Your whimpers echo around the tiled walls, water lapping around your bodies.

You feel the pressure building as each thrust of his long fingers brush against your g-spot.

“g-gonna cum!”

“Cum f’me sweetheart please—god… need it so bad.” Hiromi mumbles as he pumps even faster.

“a-ahh!” you cry as you reach your high, walls clenching as you cum on your husband’s hand. He removes his fingers from you, moving to gently circle your clit as you come down from your orgasm.

You both stay there for a moment, your heavy breathing the only sound occupying the space, mingling with the gentle slosh of water against the porcelain tub. Hiromi’s arms wrapped securely around your waist, pulling you closer.

Slowly, he lifted you, the warm water swirling around you both as he maneuvered you to face him, settling you on his lap. Your legs instinctively wrapped around his waist, your knees pressing against the cool sides of the tub.

You straddled Hiromi, your bodies now fully aligned, chest to chest. Your husband's dark, half-lidded eyes bore into yours, his expression a mixture of raw need and unspoken tenderness. He let his hands rest on your waist for a moment, thumbs tracing gentle circles against your damp skin as he took in the sight of you.

“I don’t know how I’ve stayed away from you for so long…” his voice breaking slightly as if the admission pained him.

Your breath hitched as you shifted slightly in his lap, feeling the tension between you intensify. Hiromi’s hands slid up your sides, his touch deliberate and slow, leaving a trail of heat in their wake as his lips finally found yours. The kiss was deep, full of hunger that had been simmering between you both for far too long.

His grip on your waist tightened as he deepened the kiss, his tongue sliding against yours in a dance that left you dizzy with need.

Breaking the kiss, Hiromi leaned his forehead against yours, his breath coming in shallow gasps.

“I won’t make that mistake again.”

Without a word, he rose from the tub, lifting you effortlessly into his arms. Water cascaded down your bodies, pooling at your feet as he carried you toward the bedroom, his lips trailing wet kisses down the side of your neck.

He laid you gently onto the bed, your back sinking into the soft silken sheets, but Hiromi didn’t waste any time. His gaze darkening as he climbed over you, his body hovering just above yours, his eyes drinking you in like a man starved.

“I’m going to make up for every second I’ve missed.”

[unboundprompts]

body language descriptions please?

(eg: she cocked her head)

thank you 💗💗💗

Body Language Descriptions

-> feel free to edit and adjust pronouns as you see fit.

Anxiety/Nervousness

She fidgeted with the hem of her shirt, her fingers tugging nervously at the fabric as she struggled to find the right words.

They bit their lower lip.

He looked away, unable to meet her gaze, a clear indication of his guilt.

She absentmindedly rubbed her neck.

He chewed his nails, a nervous habit that he couldn't seem to quit.

They rubbed their hands together nervously.

He tightened his jaw.

She felt beads of sweat forming on her brow, betraying her calm facade as her heart raced.

Frustration/Impatience

Their fists clenched at their sides.

He tapped his fingers rhythmically against the table, a clear sign of impatience as he waited for her to finish.

He rolled his eyes, the gesture full of exasperation as he dismissed her words.

She let out a heavy sigh, the sound heavy with resignation as she faced the inevitable.

He threw his hands up in defeat.

Curiosity

He leaned forward in his chair, eager to hear more, his eyes sparkling with curiosity.

She raised an eyebrow, her expression skeptical as she questioned his intentions.

She tilted her head slightly.

He watched intently, his eyes wide with wonder as he took in every detail of her story.

Confidence/Assertiveness

He stood tall with his shoulders back, projecting confidence even in the face of uncertainty.

They sat on the edge of their seat.

She gestured wildly, her hands moving animatedly as she tried to express her excitement.

He stood with his hands on his hips, exuding an air of authority and control over the situation.

They held their chin up high, projecting self-assurance even in the face of adversity.

Defensiveness/Resignation

He crossed his arms over his chest, a defensive posture that spoke volumes about his discomfort.

He braced himself against the wall, a protective stance.

She folded her hands in her lap, a sign of restraint as she fought the urge to speak.

They shrank back slightly, their shoulders hunching as if trying to make themselves smaller in the face of criticism.

He held his breath momentarily, steeling himself for the inevitable conflict he sensed was coming.

She covered her face with her hands, overwhelmed by the situation as she tried to block out the world.

Thoughtfulness/Concentration

She furrowed her brow in concentration, her mind clearly racing as she tried to solve the problem at hand.

She nodded slowly, processing the information, her expression thoughtful and contemplative.

He stared blankly into space, lost in thought as he processed what had just been revealed.

He drummed his fingers on the table, the rhythmic sound a sign of his deep contemplation.

She tapped her foot lightly, her mind racing.

Eagerness/Excitement

He paced back and forth, his restless energy manifesting in the constant movement as he considered his options.

She bent forward, her elbows resting on her knees, a sign of intimacy and engagement in the conversation.

She swayed slightly from side to side, a subconscious display of her nervous energy as she waited for the verdict.

He bounced on his toes, his excitement palpable.

She jumped up and down, a spontaneous display of her joy that couldn’t be contained.

[paulyenvol6]

On Your Terms

All you want tonight is for Joel to be rough with you and although he is reluctant at first, not wanting to cause you any pain, he complies, giving you a night of sensation and thrill.

Contains: smut, unprotected sex, p in v, oral (m & f receiving), pain kink, rough deepthroat, crying, Joel is very rough but reader encourages him to, mentions of physical discomfort but it's a kink, dirty talk, degradation, daddy kink, choking, overstimulation, slapping, mentions of a safe word, aftercare

Wordcount: 7,049

Masterlist

You blinked a few times and rolled on your side, limbs stretching as you yawned open-mouthedly.

For some strange reason you felt frustrated and discontent but couldn't exactly figure out why.

Joel. You wished Joel was next to you and when you slowly sat up on the bed you realised you craved more than just his presence.Your head was spinning and it took you a second to collect yourself when you got up, because you had been lying on the bed for half an hour, turning from side to side in boredom, not knowing what to do with the time. But now you had a clear goal in mind and headed towards the living room, feet dragging over the floor.

"Joel?" you asked as you peaked inside and your heart jumped when you saw him sitting on the couch, a book in his hand and his eyebrows lifting when he darted at you.

"You alright?" he asked, instant concern showing in his expression.

He was always like that; looking out for you and worrying about your welfare, no matter how many times you told him you didn't need it. You secretly enjoyed his treatment, though, which you were pretty sure Joel was aware of as well.

"Yes. Just need you," you whispered, standing awkwardly in front of him, but then he chuckled and took your hand in his, squeezing your fingers gently.

"Then come here, baby."

He pulled you to sit on the couch, your back situated against his chest and a strong arm immediately reached to wrap around your waist, pushing you against his broad body.

"Mhmm… my sweet girl," he mumbled against your nape, smelling your hair and holding you with such a firmity that it got under your skin in more levels than simply feeling comforted and cared for. You wanted him. And you wanted him hard, preferably feeling him with every inch of your skin and muscle of your body.

"Joel," you therefore whispered, way too needy to play it cool and wait for him to initiate anything.

"Yeah?" he said, his hand coming to rest on your lower belly where it splayed out to move you impossibly closer to him.

"I want you," you mumbled, peaking over your shoulder to watch his expression and a shudder going through your body when a smirk creeped up on his face.

"Mhmm you naughty girl," he grinned and buried his face in your hair. "So that's what you came to me for? I thought you just wanted to cuddle for a bit but of course my pretty girl has more in mind…"

His low voice increased your lust in indescribable ways and you unconsciously started to rock your ass against his center although you didn't have a lot of freedom to move due to his strong grip around you.

"Please, I need you. Please, daddy."

Perhaps this was the moment when Joel understood the dimensions of your desire because you felt his fingers dig deeper into your flesh, almost so hard that it hurt, but that was exactly what you wanted.

His left hand moved up your side stopping under your arm and then trailing a finger over the side of your breast.

"Yeah? You need your daddy? It's that bad?"

A quiet whine left your mouth, your heartbeat roaring in your ear and adrenaline shooting through your veins making you hyper-aware of your surroundings and therefore each brush over your clothed skin and each word that sounded so intimate out of his mouth.

You found that this was one of Joel's superpowers, or rather superweapons. He managed to make the most normal thing sound like it came from a porno. All he had to do was lower his voice and he could talk about grocery shopping and make you press your thighs together to defeat the throbbing heat in between.

That was exactly what was happening right now. Your body was tense, your pussy already urgently yearning for release although he hadn't even started yet.

"C'mon, babygirl. Want you to use your voice for me," Joel encouraged you and ran a hand over your thigh.

"Yes. I need you, daddy. And I… I need it to hurt."

It wasn't a surprise to you that he hesitated. He always did that when you wanted him to be very rough with you, so you just prayed that he would be in the mood tonight and wouldn't make you suffer for too long.

"Baby…," he sighed, gently turning your head so he could see your face.

"Please, Joel," you pleaded, not using his nick name on purpose so he would know that this really was you speaking and you weren't just mindlessly demanding it because you happened to be very horny tonight.

"I really want it. I wanna… I want to feel the pain, please."

Joel chewed on his bottom lip clearly fighting with himself and you could pretty much tell what was going on behind his forehead.

It was basically the same discussion every time; he loved you and wanted to give you the world and that included doing whatever you wanted from him in the bedroom. And if this was being rough with you he wanted to fullfil this wish too. But the big problem he had was that he simply didn't want to hurt you. He was haunted by the fear of it being too much for you or that he was doing something you didn't actually like despite your assurances.

"Jesus…" he sighed rubbing over his eyes and then turned your whole body around so the two of you were face to face.

"You know I want you to feel good, right?"

You nodded reaching for his big hand just to have physical contact with him.

"But you know I just don't like seeing you in pain," he whispered stroking your cheek with his left hand.

"But I like it so much, Joel, please. I enjoy it. It's what I want."

There was still a doubtful glance in his eyes but given the way he dropped his shoulders, you knew you had already won.

"You really do? And you're sure you're in the mood for it tonight?" he craved further confirmation and then sighed when you nodded, your eyes round but full of determination.

"But you knew the safe word. And how this is gonna work."

You shook your head in agreement again but Joel wasn't satisfied yet and held your face to make you look at him.

"I want ya to say it, baby. I needa make sure you knew the rules."

You watched him under your lashes, the anticipation already bubbling in your stomach, but you couldn't quite let it engulf you yet, having to make sure Joel was fully into it as well before you let your lust take over.

"The safe word is red. You're only gonna stop if I say it. Yellow means I don't want you to stop but I want you to slow down. Green means everything is fine."

He nodded in approvement and leaned in to kiss your hairline.

"Yes. And don't be scared to use the safe word if you need it. It's what it's there for."

"Yes daddy," you answered softly which was the starting signale for the both of you.

Joel took your face in both of his rough hands, kissing you gently but you were more than familiar with the way he could devour your mouth in one moment and dominate it in the next. And you couldn't have been more right; his mouth aggressively clashed against yours, so that you would have moved backwards if his hands around your face hadn't prevented it.

Soon his tongue demanded entrance and once you granted it he shoved it into your mouth, teeth crashing against teeth and his tongue not hesitating to dominate your mouth. It was a heated kiss but just the kind you were craving right now. When you felt his hands traveling down to grab your waist a croaked whine left your throat and you swore you could feel Joel smirk against your lips.

"You want this to hurt, huh?" he growled, his hot breath brushing over your chin.

"Yes," you moaned and squealed as he grabbed your left breast, roughly kneading the flesh through your t shirt and grazing with his nails over your nipple.

"Lay on your back. Head on the armrest."

He pulled away from you so suddenly that you instantly felt cold but then were quick to follow his order and moved to lay down just the way he wanted you to. You bent your neck to watch what he was doing and your pussy painfully clenched when you saw him unbuckle his belt, his swift fingers pulling down his jeans and briefs in one quick movement.

Only then did his gaze return to you and he bit his lip at the way you wriggled on the couch, touch-starved and needy for him. Joel walked to stand next to the couch, your head upside down and close to his center, but before he did anything, his hand connected with your chin, tilting your face and caressing the soft skin of your cheek.

"You know you can tap out if it's too much. I wanna give you what ya want but I don't want ya to get seriously injured, okay? Tap my thigh twice if you want me to stop."

You moved with your head showing him that you took his words to heart and then crawled closer towards him, your mouth almost drooling for his thick long cock that looked so endearing from this angle.

"Say it, baby. C'mon, you know that this is important. I'm only gonna do this if you cooperate with me. If I ask you a question or tell you somethin' important I want to hear vocally that you understood me."

You gulped, head resting on the armrest, and looked up at his face from your upside-down position, quickly clearing your throat before he could back out.

"Yes. I heard it. M'gonna tap your thigh twice if I want you to stop."

"Good girl," Joel whispered which made your heart skip a beat and at this point your eyes filled with tears, the need to feel him down your throat never having been larger.

"Then open your mouth. Wide," he commanded and he hadn't even finished the sentence before your lips parted, your whole body trembling with excitement.

Your pupils darted at his face while he pumped himself a few times and then pushed the red tip of his cock past your lips, your nostrils immediately flaring so you could breathe through your nose instead of your throat and would be able to take him as deep as possible.

And Joel did go deep. It seemed like he sincerely wanted to do you the favor of giving you the rough treatment tonight because the tip of his dick already grazed the back of your throat in the first go. You hadn't expected it and choked, your fingers pressing into the side of the couch as your teary eyes blinked hectically.

That's a good girl..." you heard Joel's deep voice and looked up at him, his face contorted with pleasure.

He was balls deep inside your throat now, not moving to savour the moment and although you felt like you were about to throw up, you triumphed. This was what you had wanted tonight and Joel really seemed to be in a gracious mood. But that didn't mean that what you were going through right now was easy. His tip kissed the back of your throat in a way that made your whole body tense and your hips shift, your jaw soon aching from the stretch of his thick girth and you couldn't breathe.

Joel made you suffer for a few more seconds before bottoming out, giving you a second to take a deep breath and then sliding back in no less carefully than the last time. A pornographic sound echoed off the walls as his slick dick slid past your lips and he moaned loudly as your warmth enveloped him again, your mouth welcoming him so firmly each time he thrust in.

"Ohhh fuck… that's right, babygirl. S'fuckin' perfect."

You panted loudly, struggling to adjust to his thickness and fearing that you would gag but Joel seemed to somehow know exactly when it was too much and backed out every time you doubted you could hold much longer.

Your face was a complete mess, saliva running from the corners of your mouth and dripping onto the floor, his precum smeared all over your chin and traces of tears glistening on your cheeks, but neither of you cared. In fact, the filthiness and obscenity only fueled your lust as you were getting off on the feeling of being used like a rag doll.

Joel had his hands on your body the entire time, either massaging your breasts through your shirt and twirling your nipples between his fingers or holding you in place if need be by wrapping a hand around your neck. Your insides seemed to deliciously twist every time he did it because it made the tightness in your throat feel even more thrilling and sensational.

That was why your eyes rolled back when he squeezed and although all of your noises were muffled by his length, Joel could swear he could hear you moan around him, the vibrations making his dick throb.

"Yeah… Makin' a goddamn mess all over yourself, babygirl. But I know it makes your pussy clench, mhm?"

You quietly whimpered, buckling up your hips, your toes curling into the couch and when your own hand rested on top of his he losened up while pulling out a little, allowing you to inhale which you did so heavily that Joel felt bad for a brief moment before remembering that you had asked for this.

He didn't know what kind of fucked-up things were going on in your head but he‘d had this discussion with you a million times already. You liked it when he hurt you and Joel was at a point where he felt he had no choice but to believe it was the right thing to do to act accordingly. Hence, he worked himself inside your throat again, ignoring your loud and rapid panting, as well as the way your throat tensed around him, instead just taking from you what he wanted.

Once he was snug inside you, retching sounds receiving him and your wet eyes staring up to him almost pleadingly, he waited, controlling his racing heart and then groping your left breast again.

"Use your tongue. Around my shaft, just the way daddy likes it…," he mumbled and threw his head back when he felt your tongue twirl around his glans.

"Just like that…"

You didn't even know how you did it yourself because you believed that your mouth was unable to move an inch, fearing that you would get sick all over him in case you did, but when you heard Joel's praise you continued with a new determination, solely focused on pleasing him instead of your gag reflexes.

You were deep in it now, sucking his dick with a steady rhythm and Joel allowed you to take control for a moment, toying with your chest and contently watching you swallow his length until he put a hand on your head and slowly pulled out of your mouth.

In response you whined, eyes searching for his leaking cock that you had enjoyed playing with so much that you were about to demand more but before you could Joel shut you up by rubbing his tip over your lips and you rejoiced, licking and kissing it.

"You did wonderful, babygirl," he said, sounding like he was out of breath, lightly tapping the corner of your mouth with his tip, enjoying stroking the wetness that covered your lower face. He didn't bother to clean you up before stepping backwards to take off the remaining clothes on his body which were his shirt and jeans.

"Shirt off, hon," he shortly demanded and you immediately reached for the hem of your top, pulling it over your head and letting it drop to the ground right next to the couch.

Apart from that you didn't move at all, eagerly waiting for his next move. Once Joel was done he approached you again, his eyes dark and determined with a predetory glistening that made you rub your feet together, craving any kind of friction.

"Please," you quietly whined when he climbed to kneel on the couch with one knee towering over you and smiling down at you, the sudden softness that was visible on his face being a stark contrast to the current circumstances.

"What," he breathed bringing a hand to your leg and trailing it up until he reached the inside of your thigh, teasingly scratching with his nails against the rough fabric of your jeans.

That was the moment when you started to shift again and although you knew that Joel wouldn't be thrilled by the content of your demand you expressed it nevertheless.

"Please don't," you quickly stated and jerked away from him.

"You don't want me to touch you?" he asked clearly confused, a big crease appearing between his eyebrows.

"I do. But I… I don't want you to prepare me. I wanna feel the stretch of you," you said, your voice surprisingly stable and your eyes anxiously darting at your boyfriend. To your fortune he didn't immediately refuse and instead formed a pout with his lips.

"Mhmm…," he made and removed his hands from your thigh to open your jeans instead.

"You really are a dirty l'il girl. You want it to sting real bad, mhm?"

Your heart fluttered, sinful images showing up in your head and everything happened way too slowly for your taste. It almost looked like he was doing it in slow motion when Joel pulled down your jeans and you were quick to kick them off your ankles.

"I want you to be rough, daddy. Wanna get it hard. Please s'what I need."

He smirked crookedly and then hooked his fingers into the waistband of your underwear running his eyes over the dark patch that your wetness had created, almost looking regretful.

"Even though I love tasting her so much…," he sighed, trailing his thumb over your folds but you quickly jerked away, defiant and accusing eyes flashing at him.

"Please daddy. You said you'd do it."

Joel sighed, dropping his shoulders and then delivered a sharp slap on your pussy that made a delicious sting spread in your core, hot burning desire coiling right where he had hit you. That was what you wanted and you were quick to tell him by softening your eyes.

"I need you so badly, daddy."

Another smack came down on your cunt, this time right on your clit and you wriggled beneath him, your body arching to give him better access. Eventually Joel roughly shoved down your panties repeating the motion and slapping you again. He didn't love what you demanded of him but at the same time knew that you were absolutely drenched for him so he didn't worry too much about seriously hurting you. This was what turned you on after all.

Then Joel settled himself between your legs, your thighs eagerly spread wide for him to show him how much you craved it, and by this time you had cracked him. He was too goddamn weak for your perfect pussy and seeing your flushed and swollen skin, your puffy folds and your sore clit - a consequence of his slaps - made his cock twitch.

"Look at that…," he sighed laughing at the way you whined in frustration as he examined your pussy instead of finally shoving it inside of you.

"Please daddy. Please, give it to me."

Joel snorted and then, before you could prepare yourself for it, smacked your cheek, making your head turn. Seconds later his handprint appeared on your already flushed skin and although your eyes were stinging with tears you looked beyond satisfied and the restless movements of your hips showed him that he was giving you exactly what you wanted instead of punishing you.

"Alright, lemme give it to ya," Joel said under breath and then without a lot of teasing aligned his throbbing cock with your pussy and pushed into you in one go.

The wetness drooling between your thighs made it easy for him to slide in and yet he saw your eyes sprang open at the stretch, your hands holding on to his bicep and your mouth agape when he started to fuck you without giving you any time to adjust.

This was the moment Joel always felt the worst because your face was drawn with pain, your eyes teary and your whole body tense but he couldn't stop. He knew that you would complain if he did and so he thrusted in you, ignoring his bad conscience and focusing on hitting you with the right angle to find your g spot.

"C'mon babygirl, lemme hear you," he growled in your ear, picking up the speed when you began to move your hips according to his thrusts.

"J-Joel," you choked, wide eyes staring up to him, your chest buckled up and your hands clenched in fists. You weren't in serious pain of course, but the thickness of his dick guaranteed a slight ache every time he fucked you and didn't allow you to get used to his girth which was convenient because this was what brought you the thrill.

He always felt good inside of you, but this was exciting, electrifying. Astounding. This was what made you skin prickle and your nerves light. This was what made a rush surge through your body and made you feel alive.

"Yes," you whimpered feeling his dick so deep inside of you, you were certain you could feel a bulge if you pressed hard enough down on your stomach.

Fortunately, Joel knew you so well by now and immediately understood your cravings when he saw your eyes dart downwards, his large hand sprawling across your belly and gently applying pressure. You writhed, the hair in your neck standing up and your fingertips buzzing so hard that you buried them in the palm of your hands.

"Please Joel," you whispered, a lifeless arm reaching towards him.

He grabbed your wrist with his free hand, pressing it against your chest but you shook your head, glossy eyes begging him to do what you couldn't express right now.

"What, babygirl? Tell me what you need…," he purred, delivering sharp and deep thrusts in your aching cunt that bruised your walls in the best and most phenomenal way.

"Fuck, Joel," you whined, your legs closing around his hips but he was quick to push you down by your knees, giving him access to do with your pussy as he saw fit.

"Use your fuckin' voice," he grunted and slapped your thigh hard.

"My neck… Please choke me…," you begged and then gasped when his hand instantly and without any discussions about it wrapped around your throat, cutting off your air supply.

It only added to the high of it all because now you literally felt him everywhere. It was like Joel was pushing you further, moving close to the fine line that separated pleasure from pain and to your delight he didn't hesitate to cross that line from time to time, squeezing out your emotions and reactions without it becoming too much to handle.

At times you were almost about to break down, your hand already lingering at his wrist to signal him to decrease the intensity but Joel managed to figure out when you needed more and when to give you a moment to relax.

"What's your color, babygirl?" he asked at one point, his hand loosening around your neck to give you the freedom to speak up.

"Green. Green, Joel, fuck…," you cursed, your head tilting as you felt his finger hover over your clit, the heat his hand radiated already making it hard to breathe and you lifted your hips trying to get him to connect the pats of his digit with your neglected clit.

"Tsk, tsk," he clicked his tongue, laughing about your painful whine as he simply didn't give you what you needed to badly. You frowned when he pushed you down by your hip, your body squirming in order to create friction.

"You said you wanted it to hurt. Remember?"

"Need to come, daddy," you whimpered giving him your best doll eyes and when his hand smacked your clit you were almost relieved about the brief stimulation.

"I know. An' maybe I'll let you."

You were still thinking about his words when Joel suddenly took hold of your waist - his nails biting into your flesh - and manhandled you on your stomach.

"On your fuckin' knees," he growled against your neck, helping you to get on all fours and then immediately working himself inside of you again which made you jerk forwards.

"Jesus fuckin' christ…," he cursed, himself overwhelmed by the new angle that allowed him to reach even deeper and after only 5 or 6 thrusts you already fell forward, not being able to hold yourself up.

Joel granted you this comfort, a hand resting between your shoulderblades to keep you in place. His face was drawn with pleasure and well-aware that you wouldn‘t last much longer, he yanked your head up by your hair which sent painful shockwaves through your body and you cried out.

"You have two options, baby. An' you better think about it carefully. You're either not gonna come at all or you're gonna cum as many times as I want you to. 'N' believe me, I won't stop until I'm satisfied."

Joel could already imagine your answer and still waited for your mushy brain to comprehend the content of his words.

"Wanna cum," you whispered against the cushions, shrieking and jolting away when his hand came down hard on your ass.

"Atta girl…," he chuckled, pulling you backwards by your hips and then fucked you with a new determination.

"Then be a good girl and rub your clit. You want it so badly, don't ya? So get yourself there."

At first, Joel wasn't sure whether you had heard him but then when you hips tensed he knew what you were doing to your poor abused little bundle of nerves.

"There you go angel…," he growled and was almost surprised by how quickly you fell apart for him. It must have been less than a minute when your back bent and your whole body began to uncontrollably shiver and cringe. Joel firmly gripped your hips, preventing you from crawling away and continuing to pound your pussy.

"D-Daddy," you whimpered, nudging your nose against the pillows. Your pussy ached and burned when he made no attempt to stop but at the same time you didn't even think about using your safe word.

"I know, hon," he whispered pressing down on your lower back to force you to arch. "But that's not quite it yet, don't ya think so too? Think you can give me more than that."

Although the pain made your body go taut and your head spin with overload you were soon able to receive beautiful intoxicating pleasure again. This time it was Joel's thick finger that took care of your clit, driving you to your orgasm quicker than his dick could alone.

At first, your nub refused the kind gesture, your jaw clenching tightly and your stomach churning with a hot coil that clung to your center like a disease. But Joel didn't care about your suffering and resolutely pressed his thumb into the sensitive spot.

"Take it, c'mon. Don't ya fight me. I know it hurts but that's what ya want, mhm?"

You nodded tearfully, though Joel was too caught up in his own emotions to notice the slight tilt of your head, his fingers painfully squeezing your hips which surely would leave marks and his hand smacking your ass cheeks over and over again until his handprint was drawn in your skin like a branding.

When you came the second time tonight Joel slipped an arm around your waist, lifting you so your back rested against his chest and holding you through it while waves of pleasure crashed down upon you.

"Fuckkkk, Joel, please, fuck," you sobbed, grasping at his hands while squirming and wriggling in his hold.

He had also wrapped his hand around your neck once again and the sensation became almost unbearable, your head dropping to his shoulder while you allowed him to do with you how he pleased. Joel took advantage of your body being on display for him, a hand reaching to grab your breast. He clasped your nipple with two fingers, creating addicting friction and soon you couldn't help yourself any longer, a long sob escaping your throat as pleasure had taken control of your mind.

"You know your safe word, babygirl," he whispered in your ear, his hips still slapping against your back at a punishing pace but you quickly shook your head, your hair tingling his nose. The corner of Joel's mouth lifted and he relaxed his hand at your neck, supporting you on your knees rather than choking you and then glided it between your legs again to find your wrecked clit, making you flinch at the slightest contact.

"Please," you whined, your legs threatening to give in but he had secured his hold around you as a precaution, keeping you safe and stable in his muscular arms.

"I know s'a lot, honey. But I gave you a choice and you were all greedy and eager to come and so now I'm gonna stop when I feel like it."

At this point your brain was a mess and you couldn't control your hands that were all over his body, pinching and pressing into his flesh, but Joel allowed it, granting you a way to cope with the overwhelming sensation of his touch.

"C'mon," he whispered against your earlob, gently nibbling and humming in satisfaction as he felt you clench around his length.

"I know ya wanna come again. I can feel it. Don't ya hold back, angel. Give it to daddy."

Perhaps it was his encouragement or it was simply the fact that Joel had teased and tortured you for so long that your body was incredibly reactive and responsive to the slightest physical contact such as a light brush of his thumb over your clit, but either way, you collapsed again and this time your eyes fluttered and Joel feared for your well-being so he carefully dropped you to the couch, turning you on your back so he could see your face.

It wasn't that bad, he soon figured, your breath hitching in your throat and your glossy eyes twitching, but he believed that there was no reason to stop yet so he pushed back inside of you which earned him a loud gasp and you coughed a few times.

"What's your color?" he still murmured in your ear, relief creeping up on him as you grabbed his shoulders to make him nestle closer to you.

"Green. Green, daddy, I swear I can take it. Just… Please, need your cum inside of me."

"That's good to hear, babygirl," Joel said, his voice a gentle whisper and you arched as his tip once again kissed your bruised cervix.

"Don't worry, I'll fill your sweet pussy up. But first I need you to come again."

A cry went past your lips, your body tensing and winding underneath him as you shook your head in disagreement.

"I don't think I can daddy," you sobbed, tears creating a veil before your eyes.

"Shhh…," Joel soothed you, his hand lingering at your cheek and his lips leaning in to press a comforting kiss on your brow that did his job perfectly. Your face softened up and your clingy hands searched for his support, grabbing his arms and the need to hear his praise shimmered in your eyes once again.

"Just say the word n'I'll stop. I'll pull out of you immediately. But if you don't say it I will go on and ignore you and fuck this perfect little cunt until I'm satisfied."

The muscles in your chin twitched, tears gathering in the corner of your eyes but you made no attempt to use your safe word.

"No. Don't want you to stop."

"Alright. So you're gonna be a good girl and give me another one. You wanna please your daddy so badly, ain't that right? And I know you just need a l'il bit of help…"

With these words his finger found your clit again, circling it with his thumb and making sure not to pass the sensitive underside. In response you moaned loudly, turning to the side as if to escape his touch but Joel's strong arms dragged you back, leaving you no choice but to take what he gave you.

"S'gonna be better soon…," his words of comfort brushed over your ear, your body trembling so hard, Joel almost felt sorry.

In a record breaking time you were close again and this time Joel finally allowed himself to cross the bridge as well. He pressed you down with his hands on your shoulders - after making sure that your own hand had replaced his on your clit - as you weren't able to lay still anymore.

"Make yourself come. And I swear to god, if you don‘t come with me I'll give you twice as many orgasms as you‘ve just had. Are we clear?"

His words fought their way through your cloudy and dizzy mind, your heart racing while you went in sloppy circles around your bundle of nerves.

"Yeah," you weakly replied, your brain already elsewhere and then the two of you came at the same time. The air in the room was thick and cutting, both of you inhaling greedily in order to be able to function and noises of pleasure echoed against the walls.

"Fuckin' christ," Joel cursed, his hand wrapping around your neck to keep you in place underneath him while he spilled ribbons of his cum into you, the sticky white filling you to the brim until he had fully emptied himself and collapsed on top of you.

"Fuckin' hell… Goddamnit…" His large frame buried you beneath him, his hands caging your head while his mouth pressed a sloppy kiss on your lips.

"That's it… My beautiful perfect girl..."

You, on the other hand, were still catching your breath, your heart racing as the aftershocks of your spectacular orgasm slowly settled and your view blurry as you glanced up into Joel's brown eyes that looked tired but far more energetic than yours which wasn't surprising considering that you had orgasmed four times compared to his one high.

"Daddy," you whimpered in despair although you didn't know what you craved but Joel seemed to. He took hold of your flushed cheeks, caressing your tear-stained face and pulling you in for a deep and gentle kiss. You lay completely flat, your body splayed out on the couch and you flinched when Joel's knee brushed over your mould.

"Lemme take a look at her," he hummed and before you could reply he had crawled down your body, his large hands spreading you for him to examined your fucked out cunt.

The next thing you felt was a jolt shooting through your body and you instantly brought a hand to your mouth biting down hard as Joel licked from your hole up to your clit, savouring your sweet juices on the tip of his tongue. A dull ache spread through your thigh, the sensation and intensity being way too much for you and yet you wouldn't want it any differently.

You wanted to close your legs around him to push him away and forcing him closer to your pussy at the same time. At its core, it was pure cruelty though. Your cunt was screaming and weeping for a minute of rest and so was your mind that almost seemed about to drift off to sleep despite the prickling pressure in your lower belly and thighs. Your organs seemed to vibrate and Joel took notice of your discomfort as well, slowly trailing his tongue through your slit while soothingly rubbing your inner thighs.

"S'okay. Just one more, I promise. Just need you to come on my tongue, baby and then I'll let you rest for as long as you want to."

You squeezed your eyes as if you could flee his haunting touch that way, your toes unnaturally curling as you tried to control your fastened breath.

"I can't. I can't Joel – I – s'too much, I can't take it… Please, I – "

You stopped mid-sentence, your limbs twitching, your nerves tingling and your thoughts completely cut off when he sucked your clit into his mouth, gifting you unbearable pleasure.

"JOEL," you screamed out, his face twisting with satisfaction while still making sure you knew things weren't slipping out of your hands.

"You're still in control of this, honey. You know that. I'll stop if you really want me to, you just gotta say the word…"

You whimpered and threw your head to the side as though you were fighting with yourself but eventually ended up staying silent, surrendering to his touch. It wouldn't take you long to orgasm anyway, you thought and you couldn't have been more right. This whole evening, the ongoing teasing and stimulating of your clit had made you break down and now the slightest touch of his tongue made your pussy clench so it was no wonder you were on the verge soon, all of your senses hypersensitive, your body begging for release and sweat drooling on your forehead and thighs.

"Joel," you said and this time it wasn't just a plea but a warning. This would be your last one and no matter how soft and sweet he made his voice sound, you couldn't physically give him another one.

"Yes, hon. Come for daddy one last time. Don't be scared, I got you."

These words were your final sign to let go and at this point the emotions flooding your system were so familiar and recognisable that you didn't even bother to follow the commands of your body so instead you just clung to the cushions, experiencing yet another thrilling high without letting out any of the moans catching in your throat.

As soon as he saw your back hitting the couch again, the effects of your high slowly fading, Joel instantly stopped, freeing your pussy from the torment and crawling up to you until your faces were on the same level. Your eyes were closed, sweat running down your face and to make sure you knew that it was over now, he kissed your temple, keeping his voice low when he started to whisper.

"You did so well, baby. So fuckin' pretty for me. It's over now… I'm gonna clean ya up and then I'll let you sleep, okay? Just look at me for a second."

You moaned refusing to lift your heavy lids but Joel was persistent, tracing up your cheekbone and running his thumb over your bottom lip.

"C'mon, babygirl. Just needa see that you're fine."

Your lashes flattered, but then you obeyed his request, looking at him with half-lit eyes, his frame indistinct and your pupils seemingly unable to concentrate on the center of his face but it was enough for him.

"Good girl… I'll get a washcloth now and clean up the mess down there. You'll stay right here, okay?"

As if you would be able to move an inch. And yet you nodded, eyelids flinching when you felt the weight of him leave your body and then the next few seconds passed so quickly that it felt like he hadn't even been gone for more than a second. Joel watched your powerless form with a wry grin, then approached you, gently parting your legs to reach between them. You jerked away, afraid to go through another torturous treatment of his, but he quickly stroked up your thigh.

"Relax. Just wanna clean ya up."

That seemed to convince you for now and you allowed him access to your pussy, whining and twitching every time the washcloth made contact with your swollen cunt but Joel talked you through it, soothingly rubbing over your leg with the promise that it would be over soon.

When he was finished, he rushed to the bathroom to put the towel away and then, in a matter of seconds, he was standing next to the couch, grabbing a blanket that was folded on the armchair and covering your with it. You purred like a satisfied cat, clenching your hands around the end of it and pulling it up to your chin. Joel smiled down at you, his heart almost bursting in his chest at the adorable view before kneeling down next to you.

"You want me to stay here with you or do you need a little bit of time to rest alone?"

You hesitated and Joel almost assumed that you had fallen asleep already but then your lips moved, your whiny voice trying to form a sentence.

"Stay. Here with me."

He had secretly prayed for this answer so he fastly complied, carefully lifting your shoulders from the couch so he could slip underneath you and make you lay against his broad chest. A satisfied moan escaped your throat when Joel wrapped his arms around your upper body from behind, hugging you and caressing your arms while repeatedly kissing your hair.

"I love you, baby. I love you so much and I hope I was able to do what you wanted me to do."

You nestled against his collar, your lips curling into a peaceful smile as drowsiness gently tugged at you, offering a soft descent into the land of dreams. You were calm now, his warm and strong body the comfort you craved after the breathless sex you‘d just had.

"I love you, Joel," you replied. "And thank you."

He kissed your scalp in response and then felt you relax in his embrace, both your body and mind finally getting a well-deserved rest.

[songbirdseung]

𝑰𝑵  𝑺𝑰𝑪𝑲𝑵𝑬𝑺𝑺  𝑨𝑵𝑫  𝑰𝑵  𝑯𝑬𝑨𝑳𝑻𝑯  /  𝑳𝑬𝑬  𝑯𝑬𝑬𝑺𝑬𝑼𝑵𝑮

𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐬𝐢𝐠𝐧𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐚 𝐡𝐮𝐬𝐛𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐝𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐡𝐥𝐲 𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐤 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 

The first day of your period is always the worst. The cramps, the headaches, the mood swings, it’s like your body is actively conspiring against you. And today? Today is no exception.

You’re curled up in bed, swaddled in a blanket like a human burrito, aggressively scrolling through your phone as if the screen personally offended you. Every little thing annoys you: the brightness of your screen, the stupid algorithm feeding you videos you don’t want to see, the fact that even breathing feels like too much effort. Your stomach twists painfully, and you groan, tossing your phone aside dramatically.

The bedroom door creaks open.

"Babe?"

You don’t even look up. "What."

Heeseung pokes his head inside, cautiously scanning the room like he’s entering enemy territory. Which, to be fair, he kind of is. He’s a seasoned soldier in this war, though. He’s survived many battles before. he knows exactly what he’s up against.

"I brought snacks," he announces, stepping in and holding up a bag of your favorite chips in one hand and a bar of chocolate in the other, like some kind of peace offering.

You squint at him. "Do I look like I want snacks?"

He blinks, clearly thrown off. "Yes?"

Wrong answer.

"Heeseung, I’m literally dying, and you think snacks are the solution?" you huff, shifting onto your side and burying your face into your pillow. "I hate everything. I hate life. I hate you."

There’s a pause. "You don’t mean that," he says casually, plopping onto the bed beside you despite your apparent wrath.

You lift your head just enough to glare at him. "Try me."

Heeseung sighs but doesn’t argue. Instead, he gently places the snacks on your nightstand and reaches out to touch your arm. "Wanna punch me?"

You blink. "What?"

"You always say you wanna fight someone when you’re on your period," he says matter-of-factly, adjusting his position to face you better. "So go ahead. Get a free hit in."

You narrow your eyes at him, weighing your options. On one hand, smacking him sounds tempting. On the other, he’s the only source of warmth in this house, and you’re freezing despite being buried under layers of blankets.

You groan in frustration before flopping back onto your back. "No. You’re my personal heater. I need you alive."

Heeseung smirks, clearly pleased with your choice. Without another word, he slides under the blanket and wraps an arm around your waist, pulling you against his chest. His body is warm, unfairly so and his familiar scent of fresh laundry and that faint cologne you love instantly soothes your nerves.

"Better?" he murmurs against your hair, his lips brushing your forehead.

You grumble something unintelligible, but the way you instinctively nuzzle into his chest answers his question for him.

Heeseung chuckles softly. "You’re so dramatic."

You lift your head just enough to glare at him again. "Say that again and see what happens."

He lifts his hands in surrender, but there’s a teasing smile on his lips. "Okay, okay. My bad. You’re not dramatic, you’re just… passionately expressive."

"That’s what I thought." You close your eyes, sighing as another wave of cramps hit you. "This sucks."

"I know, baby," he coos, pressing a soft kiss to your temple. "You need anything? A heating pad? More snacks? My soul?"

"Your soul would be nice," you mumble sleepily. "But for now, just shut up and keep being warm."

Heeseung grins, tightening his hold on you. "Anything for you."

There’s a comfortable silence as he rubs gentle circles into your lower back, his warmth and presence easing some of your discomfort. You’re already half-asleep when he whispers, "Love you, even when you’re grumpy."

You hum, the corners of your lips twitching up slightly. "Love you too… but if you breathe too loud, I will smother you in your sleep."

Heeseung just laughs, pressing another kiss to your forehead.

He’s been through this before. He’ll survive.

[foolinafable]

family matters

Five Hargreeves x Fem!Reader Synopsis: You and Five return after seven years away in a different timeline- but you don’t return alone Word Count: 1.8k Tags: Fluff, No Lila and Five, Pregnancy, Children, Season 4 fix it (kinda) Note: Got so much love on the last one I wrote this! Try to ignore spelling mistakes it's currently 3am.

Stuck with only your irritable CIA colleague Five Hargreeves was anything but a good time. You both got lost at the godforsaken subway station he mistakenly teleported you both to. Travelling for a year by his side certainly mellowed you out. His personality slowly making you feel comforted as you both explored multiple timelines together trying to find your way home.

Surprisingly, the idea he possessed powers was the easiest thing for you to come to terms with, probably due to your job at the CIA making it seem plausible to you that the government does hide a lot- they’re even hiding the whole science of separate timelines.  After around a year of trying and failing to find your way home, you and Five decided to ease off the vigorous schedule you unwittingly created, finding a timeline safe enough to stay in for a while allowing you both to rest and brainstorm ideas of how you could both find a way home to your families. 

You both made a mistake. Falling to know how long a while would be you find yourselves still in the timeline you chose as your ‘temporary’ home six years later. Finding each other a lot less frustrating than at the start of this. You suppose that’s an understatement as you watched Five play with your child, a girl who possessed brown hair and green eyes not too dissimilar to her father’s. It almost wasn’t fair how much her features favoured his. But, seeing his beauty reflected upon her features could never be something you would complain about. 

“Maybe if we get lucky the next one will resemble you more,” you remember his words from a few days earlier when you started to show a hand placed under your abdomen smiling as if this was the greatest gift he could ever receive. But you don’t think it would matter if this one ended up looking like their older sibling and their father. If anything you would prefer it- not that you would ever admit it.

Picking another fresh strawberry from the greenhouse of the abandoned home you now called your own. You placed it into the basket plans to make jam and jelly already filling your mind when you felt yourself begin to flush from the sweltering heat of the sun beating down upon the glass. Your skin heating up to a point of large discomfort, sweat beginning to gather at your temples. You sighed knowing that you couldn't continue to harvest anything else unless you wanted to face Five’s rath over you overheating again. 

“Mom!” Maxine ran towards you eagerly hands encircling your legs as she got close enough for a welcoming hug. She quickly looked up towards you big green eyes staring at you prettily 

“Hiya munchkin” You stroked the top of her hair as she smiled up at you with glee

“What doing?” the three-year-old questioned head titling as she waited for your response 

“Strawberries” was all you replied grabbing the basket to show her 

“Have one?” she asked pointing at the basket, batting her eyes to try to sway your decision. You simply plucked one out of the basket and gave it to her relishing in the delighted smile she sent your way before biting into the sweet fruit. You smiled at her before looking up to meet the other pair of green eyes that had made their way into the greenhouse. Five watched the interaction of his favourite girls softly only moving closer once you looked at him.

“Everything alright mumma?” he questioned noticing your flustered expression from the moment he and Maxine stepped foot in the conservatory

“A bit hot” you admitted with a shrug of your shoulders as he drew closer, trapping Maxine in between the two of you as the back of his hand touched your forehead he hummed in agreement with your words

“Let’s get you inside the house, don’t need you getting heatstroke” You forced down the urge to roll your eyes at his dramatics and simply nodded in agreement

“Some cold water and a sit down would be nice.”

He grabbed one of your hands and Maxine’s with the other leading you both back towards the house. After placing the basket of strawberries in the kitchen you quickly sat down on the couch feeling a slight ache in your feet while Five grabbed you a glass of water with more icecubes than you could even count, you smiled in thanks as he passed it to you while Maxine sat next to you, a small children book in hands that she was determined to read to you and her younger sibling as she wanted them to be just as smart as her. 

You could hear Five pattering around the house, tidying up before you could even think about it. Maxine had quickly given up on trying to read, getting bored after two pages and was instead sitting playing with some wooden blocks by your feet. You furrowed your eyebrows when you couldn’t hear Five moving around anymore a stark silence surrounding you now.

“Everything alright?” you shouted trying to figure out where he had gotten to, heart fluttering when there was no reply. Setting your glass down on the table in front of you as you rose from your rather comfortable spot on the couch, you walked into the other room where your lover was his body was stick straight, eyes not daring to leave the notebook in his hand. “What?” you questioned softly walking towards him, eyeing the words on the book as you got close enough.

“This” he began astounded “Is our way home, it’s written by me but I didn’t write this. Another me did.” you simply nodded before smiling  

“Looks like we’re going home.”

── ✧

You and Five found yourselves outside of what he assured you was his brother Diego’s house. Maxine who was resting her head on his shoulder, legs wrapped around his middle looked astounded by the snow while nerves filled you- the last time you saw any of his family was when you were put on the case that got you lost in the timelines to begin with and even then you barely saw his brothers and sister-in-law as they were quickly taken to hq for a show round to get them out of the way. You didn’t even want to think how you would explain this to them let alone to your own family but you guess this is the easier of the two as they all had powers and also been to multiple different timelines. Five set Maxine down next to you as he rapped on the door you quickly grabbed her hand before she could run off into the snow when the door opened 

“You back!” the man, Diego you assumed, smiled as he looked at Five 

“I am” he stared at his brother almost in shock that he had seen him for the first time for him in seven years

“Good” the man confirmed “We were all starting to get worried.” his eyes then turned towards you and the brunette-haired little girl who was trying to hide behind you “And you are?” he questioned and you quickly gave him your name his eyes sparking in recognition for some reason as he crouched to the ground to greet your daughter “And who is this little princess?” he asked quietly as Maxine started at him 

“This is Maxine” is all you said feeling Five’s eyes on you knowing he wanted to wait until you got inside to drop the bomb you could see Diego begin to connect the dots as he introduced himself to you but he was clearly confused because he would know if Five had a child in the last three years in this timeline at least.

“I will explain everything once we get inside- can’t let the missus get cold” is all he said to Diego as the man allowed you into his home. 

He quickly led you to the living room where to sat on the sofa, Maxine being picked up by Five and placed on his lap when she tried to climb onto yours, you turned towards him to complain but quickly stopped when you met his glower instead choosing to put a comforting hand on your tummy a habit you kept from your first pregnancy. Diego called for his wife Lila to come to sit with him when the door opened revealing more of Five’s family he whispered their names to you as they walked in all choosing to sit down when Diego told them that Five was going to explain where he’s been and why his colleague, a word you hadn’t been referred to as in a long time, was here. With most of his family here excluding Ben and Viktor, he cleared his throat to get their attention

“As you all know the marigold has made our powers a little different to what we are used to” They all made sounds of agreement “My blinking takes only to a tube station where each stop is a new timeline and we” gesturing to you “got stuck, unable to find our way back until now. We were away for seven years but for you has only been a few hours” he took their silence as a sign to continue “This is my wife” he spoke your name “And our daughter Maxine.” you sat in silence for a moment.

“Wait! This is the colleague he was always telling us about?” Luther asked excitedly you turned to the larger man confused when Klaus and Allison quickly agreed with him

“I thought he was joking when he said there was a cute girl who he worked cases with” Claire, Alison’s daughter, announced making her mother and uncles laugh

“I can’t believe you have a child” Lila spoke eyes wide

“Well he is going to have another one in a couple of months,” you told the already shocked woman who quickly smiled at the revelation while the others called out congratulations to their brother 

“How far along are you?” Allison asked as she came up to you silently questioning if she could touch the small bump you simply nodded “We think around thirteen weeks” looking to Five who simply nodded

“She only started showing a few days ago”

“I can’t believe it” Luther called out while pulling funny faces making Maxine laugh as she got a little less shy around her family.

You smiled as you watched Maxine get up and walk towards Lilas’ children playing with them as Five’s hand found its way to yours stroking your knuckles. You never thought you could ever get home let alone come back home happier than you had left it. You suppose a thanks was due to your rather irritable husband and his wacky powers.

[dunmesh]

okay i don't have anything smart to add i just genuinely love that these seemingly trivial jokes are actually an important part of his character. we see it throughout the entire manga, how he pushes aside his own frustration and discomfort to accommodate everyone else's and avoid needless confrontation- another example off the top of my head would be the barometz chapter in which he slowly gets frustrated with izutsumi but still tries his best to talk some sense into her calmly and soundly.

and in contrast, there are very few times he expresses his anger and hurt towards others, and it usually takes a lot for him to finally lose his patience and control.

i mean, even with kabru he tried to be polite despite the circumstances until the guy said the one thing that triggers an immense sense of shame, hurt and rage in laios. and you know, the manga does say it quite clearly early on. when we are introduced to namari and then to shuro, laios acts all friendly and shows his respect and trust in them despite how things ended between them, and everyone else gets frustrated with him for acting so strange- why are you the one who tries so hard to pacify the rest when you should be the angriest?

and they don't understand him. they don't know him well enough to be able to understand, but we as readers get to see during the manga that they aren't wrong to question him- he does, in fact, feel all those ugly emotions. and it's when the winged lion finally confronts him that we see to what extent these feelings he buried so deep go, and suddenly all those funny little moments where he sometimes pretends to be mr nice guy speak volumes about his character. honestly, ryoko kui is a master at using jokes in order to define important character traits and this one doesn't fail to amaze me.

and laios's hatred and rage and deep scars he can't get over aren't shown explicitly during most of these moments i mentioned before, but now you realize there are 26 years of emotional baggage to all of them and they sting. he is angry but he can't say shit, what difference would it make? it won't make his friends choose him instead of themselves when he needed them most, and it won't help his party get any farther. of course, this logic doesn't apply to them- they are absolutely allowed to get angry and it's fine to get mad at him, he can take that.

so after finishing the series it's so clear that he tries his best to avoid clashing with others not just due to the current circumstances and him needing to be a reliable leader but also because he knows that people don't even like him when he tries to show his good sides and hide all the rest, so who the hell would tolerate his rage and despair? who would stay after realizing that he is so deeply flawed he doesn't even like his own being?

but he does get mad. he can't help it, and sometimes it gets out of control and now everyone knows. and it's funny, isn't it? that most of those moments ended up bringing him closer to others. shuro admitting he is envy of him and actually becoming the friend laios thought he was all along, fighting for his sake and waiting for him to come back- believing in him even after he turned into a monster and searching for him the way he couldn't bring himself to do for falin when he learned of what became of her- or kabru being pushed to just let it all out because he couldn't bluff his way out of this one and get to laios any other way, so now they are even. they are both horribly honest with each other and they both choose to stay. a weird way of getting to know each other, but it is what it is.

it's simply... the more laios let himself just be, the deeper his relationships grew. and there's intimacy in being your ugly, weak and furious self around someone and them not leaving you. feeling safe enough to let it be known you are hurt and angry. and he knows that now, too.

[infictionalwonderland]

PERIODS | r.cameron

period comfort w boyfriend rafe!

warnings—swearing, period pain???, rafe actually being soft. for my girlies going through it rn bc i sure as shit am

“Oh baby.” Rafe tutted gently, his expression instantly dropping into something incredibly soft as he walked into the room and saw you—curled up in the sheets, face pinched with discomfort, hot water bottle to your stomach. He immediately strode over, no hesitation in kneeling down on the floor by the bed so he could properly see you, his face in front of yours. “My poor pretty girl. Cramps bad again?” He spoke gently, rough voice always sweet for you.

“Uh-huh.” Was your miserable reply, eyes fluttering open to look at him. Head still buried into the pillow, legs curled up.

“Tell me what you need.” Your boyfriend looked at you intensely, genuinely. He nudged his nose softly against yours, his large hand soothing over your blanket covered thigh. “Anything baby. Just let me know. I’ll get it.”

You hummed weakly, going to reply only for him to take out his phone with his free hand, clicking onto his notes app—into the note he’d made of everything you’d ever asked him for when you were on your period, with the number in brackets next to each thing of how many times you’d asked for it.

You couldn’t help the flutter that joined the constant ache in your stomach, a little smile twitching at your lips at his focused, concerned expression. All for you. Only for you. The blue eyes you so loved flickered between his notes app and you attentively, still rubbing your thigh with upmost care. All his attention was always yours whenever you were near him, and certainly when you were discomforted.

“I can give you a back rub and some tablets if you want baby.” He suggested gently, a worried creased between his brows as he gave you another Eskimo kiss, willing to do anything to make you feel better. “Mh, ‘can get you some MacDonalds too, even though I hate that shit. Know you love it.” Rafe smiled lightly, his hands on your thigh tracing up to your hip and gently rubbing the tender inner side without thought or question, just knowing you like it when he did.

You laugh weakly, a small breathy sound that makes his smile widen a little more. Despite it not being your usual laugh, he still loved it whenever he could bring you—well, any positive emotion really. A smile, a laugh, a blush. Anything. He kissed your head gently, wishing he could strangle your stupid fucking cramps with his bare hands. Hurting his princess. The cheek.

“No food.” You denied gently, lifting your head to look at him more, your hair a mess on the pillow. Your cramps thankfully had dulled slightly but you knew they’d kick right back up any second. “Just you.”

Rafe’s heart actually melted right before your eyes, his eyes softening and hardening with protective determination all at once. Fuck. He loved you so much.

He shifted off of his knees onto the bed beside you, being careful as to not disturb you as much as he could. Muscles tight at the worry of causing you any further pain. He pulled you into his chest lovingly, big arms wrapping around you—one veiny hand replacing yours on the hot water bottle and holding it to your stomach without question while the other soothed your hair with such a tender touch nobody would believe it was Rafe Cameron.

“Mh—ow.”

Rafe’s brows furrowed tight with concern, his heart genuinely aching at the sight and sound of your distress, knowing there was nothing he could do. His big arms held you tighter, kissing your head against as he continued to sooth over your hair. Like you were something precious—you were something so so so precious to him. He kept his grip firm on the hot water bottle against your abdomen, mentally snarling in frustration at the thing obviously not working. Cussing it out in his head and demanding it ease his girls’ aches.

“Stupid nasty cramps,” He murmured nonsense into your hair, as he soothed said locks. Relishing the feeling of you. His chest vibrated with the sound of his deep voice, sweet because of you and frustratedly gruff in sympathy for your situation, “you know I would do anything to get them to stop for you baby. Go to war wit’ the period gods or whatever the fuck. Hate seeing you like this,” he sounded genuinely distressed at your distress and the nonsense he was babbling in his voice that was just so comforting to you—as well as his soothing and the feel of him—was actually helping to relax you, your eyes fluttering shut.

He noticed this, of course he did with how attuned he was to you, a gentle flare of satisfaction warming his chest as he continued on, solely intent on making you feel better. “I’d kick their ass too. Absolutely destroy ‘em for you princess. Make sure you never experience another cramp in your life. They wouldn’t stand a chance, I’d take ‘em all out with—“

You slowly dozed off, lulled into a sense of semi-peace finally, against the warm broad chest of your boyfriend with his arms encasing you. His hand soothing gently through your hair—his gentle, deep voice in your ears as he continued on for you. Encompassed completely in his love, in his care and—god, you loved him so much too.

[inkskinned]

we were sitting on the floor and i was cutting out tiny pictures to make a collage for a friend's birthday. you were on your phone and you laughed about something, and i was still in love with you then, so i asked what had you giggling.

"sorry. i was just..." you took a moment and went back to texting. "i was telling someone about how you're afraid of the dark."

i'm afraid of the dark because something bad happened. "oh." i felt a little slinky of shame crawl down my throat.

you glanced up, and maybe it showed on my face, because you rolled your eyes and held the phone to the side casually so i could see the group chat. "what? was it a secret?"

i looked down to the scissors in my hand. "i just..." no, it's not a secret. it just felt like something private, something serious. saying why would you tell someone that just feels like an accusation. it's unfair. i honestly am not even ashamed of it, it's just a fact about my person that i don't usually share.

what a strange experience. is this a human thing or a generational thing? for our grandparents: did they need to worry about how quickly someone can just... share your personal information? again, i didn't even really have a true objection. what could i say? i want any person in my life to feel they can be honest with their friends. it's not like i said don't tell anyone this.

i cut out another letter to complete the rainbow happy birthday, started hunting for the exclamation mark. i heard you sigh dramatically.

"don't make a big deal about this," you said.

this entire conversation was a pattern for us, and this was when we got to my least favorite part of the pattern. i would get my feelings hurt in some oblique not-technically-terrible way, and then it would be making a big deal about something. you'd get frustrated for me for being soft, but i was born soft. you knew i was soft when you pierced me. it's one of the things that made controlling me so easy.

"i'm not," i felt my voice crack. the question came without my wanting. "why are you guys talking about me?" and why are you saying that thing? why not like - i'm telling them how you're generous and kind and pretty.

you let out this low, tragic groan. "oh my god." you tossed the phone away from your body. "there, see? i just won't talk to them if you don't like it."

the rest of the hour went the way it always went, between us: i said i don't actually mind if you talk to your friends but -, you found a way to call my minor expression of discomfort "being dramatic." you got upset that i had been offended. i ended up apologizing, even though i hadn't actually done anything.

afterwards, you picked up the phone again. after texting for a little bit, you snorted. "okay," you said, "but it is kind of funny you're afraid of the dark. i mean, when you think about it."

[samimarkart]

One Year

2025, block prints on hand dyed cotton

i finally wrapped up this year long project. i started HRT on december 8th, 2023. i went into it initially scared to death of needles and the concept of self injection. I decided to carve a stamp of my testosterone vial, and add a stamp to fabric after every shot as a sort of gold star “good job!” achievement. after a month, the fear was gone but i continued stamping. this quilt shows the number of shots I took across a 1 year period.

quilting always speaks to me as a trans person. a needle bringing together layers upon layers of fabric, making something new out of something preexisting, the slight discomfort of a finger prick (ow!) that’s easily forgotten when you stand back and see the repetition of stitches has made something you’re excited to see. my art quilts are usually about nature, but I always see myself in them :)

this quilt was initially conceptualized for a way for me to express pain and frustration with the healthcare system, with a physician who had promised me access to HRT when I was ready, only to massively walk her knowledge back when I was ready to start the process. hurtling through what seemed like an endless cycle of referrals, insurance calls, years long waitlists, medication backorders and more, i initially planned on stamping a vial for every week i missed a shot in frustration. i am glad i finally gained access to the miracle that is HRT, but at the same time I feel immense sadness, pain, and fear, both personally and for the rest of the trans community who are unsure of what our access to this miracle will look like in the near future.

i am holding tight to my trans siblings right now. i love you!