#amatonormative bullshit

[chiffonperiwinkle]

My Story with Amatonormativity

I personally know an individual who might just embody humanity’s brilliance itself. He is kind, insightful, enlightening, proactive, and passionate. He doesn’t hesitate to show the world what they love and their love and care for others. Literally when I first met him he was like “no one needs to bottle up their feelings and I’m here to listen” and he showed everyone smth about a scientific study on the effects of emotional suppression or smth. He had been humorous and extremely altruistic to me and it just happens that we share similar interests. I guess its only natural that I am beyond grateful for this person (as someone who's through years of bullying trauma and grew up in a family that I couldn't show negative emotions in) right?

But amatonormativity makes people think no. He's vastly different from me physically(diff gender I present fem he presents masc), even though we often dress similarly because we both love that timeless style. (we love to slay cook and eat and dont y'all deny that) There’s also one interesting person lets call him A who keeps insulting me for showing my gratitude and platonic affection to him as well as labeling the individual as a weirdo. I can't imagine what A’s reaction would be like if he knows that we matched for a day. He'd go crazy be like “omg are you guys dating? Couples matching?” eugh no. since when is matching for romantic couples? like SHUT THE FUCK UP. LITERALLY GO FCK YOURSELF. I tried to explain what being aromantic is like and what platonic love is and just how similar I am to the individual and he refuses to listen and keeps berating me for it. Like fuck you, as if I care.

There's no doubt that the other person is having fun as well. They enjoy my company, we constantly care for and help each other whenever we can. We show mutuality. He trusts me and I trust him, and we just love sharing each other about the characters we make, the franchises we love, the life lessons and experiences we gain that are invaluable. He knows me well and I know him well. We are literally kindred spirits just being silly and having fun together. There is literally NOTHING romantic between us. And bc of amatonormativity, we are subjected to judgment, weird looks, baseless assumptions and more even if we don't experience it now.

It saddens me that people fail to understand the nuances behind my genuine care, gratitude and platonic affection towards the individual. Or maybe there wasn't any nuance—its simply just companionship, simple, pure love between people who know each other. Amatonormativity complicates that. It labels simple prosocial behaviors like helping and compliments as “hidden romantic love” “crush” and “more than friends/acquaintances”. Like no. There's more to humanity than just romance. Amatonormativity is undermining the tapestry of experiences of being human. How dare it make people assume and reduce my gratitude and platonic connection to another person as just romance and subject us to judgments. Amatonormativity taints our intentions and interactions towards others and I'm SO done with it.

Thanks for reading my yapping.

tldr: platonically connected with an altruistic and loving individual who's of different gender and physical traits from me, get called “romantic” despite the obvious signs that we just have many similarities and i see them as a kindred spirit who i want to reciprocate the love they gave to everyone. how amatonormativity complicates and undermines the platonic human experience.

ps: to the individual if you see this and somehow figure out who i am: i hope you understand my intentions now. I feel like the luckiest person in the world by meeting you and I feel so connected to you as if we are soul twins. I hope you'd let me declare each other as formally best friends when the time is right.

[neverquiteeden]

Love* coming home from the gym and enjoying the pump in the window reflection, and my dad giving me the whole "make sure you don't get too big because men are visual creatures and don't like that bc it's not feminine"

sir.

1. Wuh?? I didn't think people actually said this shit in real life!!

2. If they're actively not going to be attracted to me at my happiest and healthiest, why would I want them?? Even if I wanted to date men, Why would I want to date those that won't like me if I'm bigger, stronger, etc? Surely the opinion that matters the most is MINE???

3. Bold of you to generalise all men like that

4. If I am feminine person. How is anything I look like or do not feminine. Riddle me that one.

4. Again. Why should I care? Genuinely.

[hiraeth-daydreams]

Living well with your aromanticism, not despite of it, gets easier when you notice that this world wasn't made for you. You are not restricted by expectations, you don't have to follow a pre-planned course of steps to what happiness should be at; being aromantic can bring upon you the will to mold your life to whatever shape you want, because you know fully well what's expected won't fulfill you. Instead, you have the power and time to find what does.

You can live alone, unabashedly happy, surrounded by the little things that give you comfort.

You can build meaningful, long-lasting relationships that have not even a hint of romance.

You can have fleeting relations with people that make you feel good and not deepen your bond.

You can have one-night stands and leave before the morning comes if it feels right for you.

You can be present in your family or community, helping and being helped by people you trust and feel like a gift of being part of.

You can hear stories from the mouth of your companions and elders, and tell your own.

You can find beauty where people don't usually care to look at, revel in how much wonder is within you.

You can do what people usually feel like they need a romantic partner to do, without the limitations or complications one would need to fit themself around; ranging for dates to caring for children.

You can pursue hobbies, engage with art and craftsmanship, explore nature, do research, fill your days with the joy of creation all by yourself, just because you can.

The world was not built for you, but it doesn't mean it can't fill your days with joy, or that you can never belong in it. There is so much more than romance.

[anistarrose]

I think when a lot of queer people who aspire to marriage, and remember (rightly) fighting for the right to marriage, see queer people who don't want marriage, talking about not entering or even reforming or abolishing marriage, there's an assumption I can't fault anyone for having — because it's an assumption borne of trauma — that queers who aren't big on marriage are inadvertently or purposefully going to either foolishly deprive themselves of rights, or dangerously deprive everyone of the rights associated with marriage. But that's markedly untrue. We only want rights to stop being locked behind marriages. We want an end to discrimination against the unmarried.

We want a multitude of rights for polyamorous relationships. We want ways to fully recognize and extend rights to non-romantic and/or non-sexual unions, including but not limited to QPRs, in a setting distinct from the one that (modern) history has spent so long conflating with romance and sex in a way that makes many of us so deeply uncomfortable. And many of us are also disabled queers who are furious about marriage stripping the disabled of all benefits.

We want options to co-parent, and retain legal rights to see children, that extends to more than two people, and by necessity, to non-biological parents (which, by the way, hasn't always automatically followed from same-gender marriage equality even in places where said equality nominally exists. Our struggles are not as different as you think). We would like for (found or biological) family members and siblings to co-habitate as equal members of a household, perhaps even with pooled finances or engaging in aforementioned co-parenting, without anyone trying to fit the dynamic into a "marriage-shaped box" and assume it's incestuous. We want options to leave either marriages, or alternative agreements, that are less onerous than divorce proceedings have historically been.

I can't speak for every person who does not want to marry, but on average, spurning marriage is not a choice we make lightly. We are deeply, deeply aware of the benefits that only marriage can currently provide. And we do not take that information lightly. We demand better.

Now, talking about the benefits of marriage in respective countries' current legal frameworks, so that all people can make choices from an informed place, is all well and good — but is not an appropriate response to someone saying they are uncomfortable with marriage. There are people for whom entering a marriage, with all its associated norms, expectations, and baggage, would feel like a betrayal of one's self and authenticity that would shake them to their core — and every day, I struggle to unpack if I'm one of them or not. If I want to marry for tax benefits, or not. If that's worth the risk of losing disability benefits, in the (very plausible) possibility that I have to apply for them later in life. If that's worth the emotional burden of having to explain over and over, to both well-meaning and deeply conservative family members, that this relationship is not one of romance or sex. (Because, god, trying just to explain aromanticism or asexuality in a world that broadly thinks they're "fake" is emotional labor enough.)

Marriage is a fundamental alteration to who I am, to what rights an ableist government grants me, and to how I am perceived. I don't criticize the institution just because I enjoy a "free spirit" aesthetic or think the wedding industry is annoying, or whatever.

[python-nebula]

"theres no straight/heterosexual/platonic explanation for this" SHUT UPPPPPPPPP I SWEAR TO GOD

[small-strong-bookish-butch]

Anyone else having that weird in-your-young-adult-but-chronically-ill-years experience where you're doing all this 'old people' shit, like, going to bed at like, 8:30, and having sleep apnea and needing to wear a CPAP for it, and complaining about your bones when you move, and planning in-person get-togethers at least a month in advance, and not ever sleeping very well? And then you feel like you don't do anything really fun or have 'life updates' because you're just so tired, all the time?

[allovesthings]

"f FeEl LiKe FiVe ShOuLd HaVe A LoVe StOrY"

He already had his motivations. This was completely unnecessary and frankly out of character for him. Familial platonic love was fucking enough for him.You should have left him out of that.

Also... With Lila ? Diego's wife ? Are you fucking kidding me ? He wouldn't do that at all ! He killed her parents ! We wanted them to be closer as friends because they had similar experiences with the Handler. Not because we wanted to see them together romantically.

Fuck that shit actually.

[theasexual-jackson]

Ykw? I'm gonna say it:

90% of fandomers are smut addicts who can't “respect” any identity outside of cis gay male for pure fetishism.

[ariseastrae]

Why is it that people accept that someone can be certain they want to end up in a relationship, yet they can not accept the idea that a person can be certain don't want a relationship?

[silverwarewolf]

I will never understand the way most people seem to hold terrible resentment towards their previous relationships or some lingering something that makes them use the relationship status as a jump rope

[chiffonperiwinkle]

im so sick of heteronormativity and amatonormativity. why does everyone assume romance when there's a masc-presenting person and a fem-presenting person hanging out together and being platonic soulmates

i wrote a fic of two ocs having platonic fun and everyone was like “omg they are so romantic” girl i love y’all who appreciate my writing but I don't think my platonic intention was unclear pls don't automatically assume romance the moment you read about a gal and a guy in my story 💀

it sucks more irl bc i personally find it hard to get closer to masc presenting ppl who might share my interests/whom i might admire and like platonically. ppl will just assume that he's my boyfriend bc i present fem. like whyyyyyyy

[thetempestechoes]

Daily reminder that not everything is or needs to be about romance.

[imhere-imqueer-ilikedeer]

me, going into an art assessment: ok you got this. All you have to do is explain the theme. It’s all you gotta do

me: *flips over assessment*

assessment: explain how these images convey the complex human emotion of love

me:

me: Fuck

[peachdoxie]

Honestly I probably wouldn't find Taylor Swift nearly so annoying if it weren't for a large contingent of her fans thinking she's hotter shit than what Satan last shat.

[aaaroace]

enough with the positivity, i want more attraction-hating, people hating aroaces.

you love everyone equally? Well, I HATE EVERYONE equally.

[small-strong-bookish-butch]

One of my closest friends has been talking to me about how she doesn't especially want to date anyone, and I lit up and I was all like "oh my god!! You shouldn't ever have to date someone! If you want to then that's cool, but you also shouldn't have to feel like you 'need' to find someone or like you're dating people just to make your parents happy!"

She was really listening carefully, and said that no one else had told her that, and that her parents keep saying (or implying) she'll want to date eventually, even if she doesn't right now.

I sent her an article briefly describing amatonormativity, and when I last saw her in person, she said she'd heard of "low libido" [asexuality] but not aromanticism before.

All the times I've been thinking about it over the last couple months, I'm just! So happy for her!!!

(Obviously, it doesn't change or greatly impact my life if she dates people, or feels romantic attraction, or even if she's arospec or not!)

But seeing the relief on her face, seeing her turning it over in her mind....

If you— especially as another queer person!— can really listen to someone, and say "hey, you could be [label] and here's some basic info about it, you don't have to do the Normal Thing™️ you're expected to do. I believe you and I'm here if you want to talk about it more"... Really witnessing someone's queer joy and being there for them? How could you not want to do that with people you care for?