#am positively screaming now
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Kathrin Menzinger & Valentin Lusin’s tribute to Cyd Charisse & Fred Astaire in The Band Wagon (1953) | The Girl Hunt Ballet
#Let's Dance#Let's Dance 2k23#The Band Wagon#Cyd Charisse#Fred Astaire#flashing cw#can't believe this took me almost a week to verify#I recognized the first move instantly but wasn't sure about the rest#am positively screaming now#they did that for me!!
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I'm fine. It's fine. Everything is fine.
#interrupting my irregularly scheduled 24/7 jace propaganda to bring thee#but also not#weirdly enough#i was keen on them before but—by the gods and the hells—this season!#and tis such fine feeling to have a female character on mine screen and scream my trademarked 'tis be i forsooth' i cannot even#this be i forsooth#mel medarda#the truest queen that e'er did grace our mortal screens#jayce talis#the sweetest lad that ne'er did wrong in all his days#when you bestow magic upon the cerebral iconoclast and render all her chess moves irrelevant ♡ magic simply operates beyond logic#when you bestow actualization upon the visionary iconoclast and render all his dreams corrupted ♡ reality simply taints all ideals#what fucking fine character writing in these two i am blown#i understand now. that 'roman empire' thing. tis them unfortunately#them be mine roman empire#meljay#i guess#plus i'd be positively inclined to be their third if viktor's busy#no i am not back from my unannounced hiatus#aye these tags are a mess#was there meant to be a poetic meta in the tags? nay. yet when hath such a thing ever stayed mine hand#forget janna. to none but Amanda Overton do i bow. what a goddess she be#arcane spoilers
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I kinda always wanted to make a buds in toyland oc, but never really did it before because I didn’t want it to come off as being weird or anything. I saw @sillysarahsthings post their budsintoyland oc and said ya know what? Count me in. I want to join in on this! Also, you designing tulip based off a fisher price toy seemed like fun and legitimately made me want to try and design an oc based off an already existing toy so I did. This is Zia Stardust, I designed her based off this fisher price “DJ Bouncing Star” toy and also decided to make her into a DJ because why not? I feel like she would live in Duskshire and her assigned kids would be other aspiring DJs and other musically gifted kids. I even made her a kid named Minnie! @budsintoyland
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#artists on tumblr#budsintoyland oc#The stars on her skin and tattoos glow in the dark#I feel like her defensive mechanism against people would be the ability to LOUDLY SCREAM#like a OMFG I LITERALLY CANT HEAR SHIT ANYMORE I THINK IM ACTUALLY DEAF NOW SCREAM#although her headphones can protect people from the scream#She’s an upbeat positive galactic star freckled dj and I love her#This is probably my best character design I’ll probably make more budsintoyland ocs#I apologize I am using the tags to ramble and give character info#Why I don’t give more ocs tattoos?#Tattoos cool as hell
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Hiding my shirt that says 'i am not normal about narratives that imply an inanimate inhabited structure is a living breathing organism' as i walk into a board room and pitch my idea that we should make more horror revolving around living architecture
#jay talkin#I JUST. I JUST. i'm thinking about old haunted house movies that have this grimy sticky feeling to the house#where the evil is not just afflicted to wood and bricksbut eminates from it as a hatred#the house itself hates you. the voice screaming get out is born on the vocal chords of the hallway#i am also thinking about The Hotel the podcast you should all already be streaming CHOP CHOP CMON NOW#which is of course a more unique and i would say more abstract sister to this concept#(said deeply positively the concepts and horror explored make my brain ping pong rapidly)#which is another reason you should be listening because it does its own thing that i think you should listen to and discover yrself :)#(and also it is far more than this this is just a tiny SLITHER of what is explored go listen NEOW)#and i am also thinking about. drum roll please. you know whats coming. yes it could be nothing else#kitty horrorshows anatomy which is TO THIS DAY one of the best and most influential games upon me i have played#a game that pushes this concept to its core grotesque emotional fleshy pulp and runs with it#anatomy is a game that breeds in anxiety and discomfort and bleeds a sincere love in the horror it portrays#that love is something i yearn to see in horror media! it is also present in the hotel AHEM AHEM#but yes anatomy is an experience like no other that you really should experience for yourself#(glances down at my shirt) um. um ok so ill leave the board meeting now thank you for listening#dear god my pain medcin kicked in and i instantly became the worlds least normal man didnt i. WELL!!! thats all of youse problem now
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i think it should be possible to scream without making any noise or disturbing anyone or inviting any questions . just sometimes . as a treat .
#hhhhHHHGHGHHHHHH#jay screams into the void#(deeply personal rant incoming feel free to ignore)#a friend of mine has just been undiagnosed with bpd which . lovely for them but it sure as fuck invites a Lot of questions#suddenly a great deal of previous shitty behaviour that was excused on the basis of bpd has a lot more to answer for#(obligatory I Know BPD Isn't An Excuse To Treat People Like Shit . im aware . i have bpd myself and i have v high standards re my behaviour)#(however allowances were made bc they were unmedicated & out of therapy through no fault of their own)#(and our whole group has enough experience with untreated mental illness to understand that it can make u a bitch sometimes)#but yeah no there have been a LOT of instances of b&w thinking + manipulation + unfair judgement + high emotion + snap reactions#and every situation Could be explained by untreated bpd and the bad times have never been prolonged or often enough to outweigh the good#but Hoo Boy if that wasn't bpd then what the FUCK was it#like either the new psychiatrist is wrong (possible but i seem to be the only one questioning it) or they're just Like That#and again . not enough to outweigh their numerous positive and loveable traits#but the whole group has been destabilised on a number of occasions due to their actions during a bad spell#and i'm really not sure Any Other Explanation is enough to justify that#ah well . this seems like the kind of thing that will eventually come up during a sleepover heart to heart#but rn i'm stuck in a bubble of MAJOR rsd & brainfuck abt it . which is unfortunate bc now is exactly the time i Don't need brainfuck#anyways ✨ goodnight tumblrinas i am . kind of hoping nobody read this bc i fear i sound like a bitch#i am genuinely happy for their undiagnosis it seems to have put many things into perspective for them & theyre v happy about it#i'm just . uncomfy w some aspects of it that i have only been halfway brave enough to discuss with them personally#That's One To Bring Up With My Therapist In A Few Weeks#Bit Of A Shame I'm No Longer In Therapy And Now Have Only 2 Quarterly Reviews Left Before I'm Discharged From The Service
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i am always an advocate for staying positive and finding happiness despite the hardships of life, but fuck dude. fuuuuuck dude
#mine#the job market isnt even that bad right now allegedly#but i cant even get an interview for a retail position#my family wants me to work a 'real job' but nobody fucking wants me#and i am a qualified experienced worker!!! i dont fuckin know what im doing wrong#SCREAMS INTO A PAPER BAG. okay i will just go into a fugue state for a while and maybe itll be better then
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WHOEVER THE FUCK IS RECOMMENDING MED PPL TO GO INTO RADIOLOGY JUST CUS IF THE MONEY, IM GONNA FUCKING gET YOU
#first i had ai dictacting schedules and now the radiologists just thought there was a AHHGGRHHH#YES. YES U CAN MAKE MONEY GOING INTO RADIOLOGY. BUT DO NO T. JU ST. GO INTO IT. for the MONEY#MEDICINE IS FKING PAIN BCS BUSINESS IS A PAIN & PPL ARE IN PAIN & PPL ARE A PAIN#like it is Very. ppl orientated it's FKING MEDICINE and even if ure a vet or whatever theres obvs usually humans attached fo animals#so like u might not always be dealing with the ppl but ur coworkers who are also being directly accounting#for the ppl SURE AS HELL DO#like yea ppl die all the time but ure telling me u dont gaf when u couldve done something to stop a LIFE#a HUMAN LIFE that was DEPENDING ON U just doing a like tiny action in the grand scheme of ur things#but ends up a major life changer to them even if they dont always have the knowledge to recognize it#and u let them die bcs of the money#i cant fcking STANDDDDDD IT ohmy GAWD.#also like radiology is not all that hunky dory like radiactive is part of the fking name like#UGHHHH LIKE IM SUPPOSED TO BE SCOLDING MY PTS WHY TF AM I SCOLDING MFS FOR MY PTS#anyways yea tho totally just join medicine for the money it's tofally not a massive damage to u n society#but also . fuck society for making ppl feel like they only have this choice or it's starvation bcs thats also so fking real fuc that#but bro at least try not to fuck ppl over once u gain a position just bcs u happened to be in a bad mood today like#medicine is Literally. horror. it's not that 'i watch pimple popping videos haha i can handle it' horror . it's literally.#the horror of treating humans like humans while never allowed to be one urself kind of horror#it's watching a little girl crying and a big bulky father weeping like a small child bcs his wife died#&then u step out the room and a pt throws his poop at u bcs he keeps lying to u abt not having any alcohol &wants to go home but has no ride#wants a million opiods and has been absolutely wailing at ur staff and if he leaves ama it docks u so now u gotta#peruse a bunch of legal documents to try and figure out a loophole on how to get him outta here while also dealing with 60 other pts#on the brink of death or intensely septic and the whole time ure trying to save them u got bitches screaming in ur ear abt the#north carolina fluid shortage like btch fuck that im giving this kid the shit they need to survive fuck off#especially funny bcs theres fluids available but we refuse to buy them bcs theyre for a higher price than our og supplier like ok#anyways#love my life
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this is from august weeping wailing
#but!!! i am!!!! finally listening to it#answering asks#chair asks#chair!!#WOAHH not the start i expected#these are some funky sounds dude#HOLY FUCK#IT GOT LOUD#WHAATTTTT#THIS IS WILD#oh my god and now it’s quiet#dude i’m kinda fucking with this#OUTHTHF#every time it gets loud it’s like my head’s exploding (positive)#this is like. a horror movie#cause the quiet sounds remind me of like the chirping of small creatures in a forest at night#and then when it gets Loud it’s like Something else is out there with you#but it’s too dark to see past the first row of trees in front of you#WOAAHHHH#THE SCREAMING FIR A SECOND#goddd i love these sounds so much this is awesome#i think this might be one of my favorites overall so far its so so interesting#god and the whispering#and the fact that you can’t really make out excaclty what’s being said#ooouhh and the repeating toward the end there#and it’s fading….#okay yeah i really like that one they went hard with that. that was insane
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Are we loving on Lucy? Am I allowed to talk about one of my favorite people? Can I do that?
So, everyone knows how much Trek means to me, everyone has been on the receiving end of me telling them what it is and what it's done. I hesitated, thinking about bringing back Spock for a while - him being the character at times I felt I never got a real chance to explore, and never with people I really bonded with.
You taking up Jim was inspirational. It gave me the shot of adrenaline that I needed to rekindle my love for the franchise. I made Spock again, and I made him again without the expectation that you and I would be friends. But holy shit, am I ever so glad that not only our boys are, but, that we are.
Lucy, you are an incredible writer, with a passion behind the voice of Jim that takes him from the stereotype that he has been (wrongly) lobbied with for the last 60 years. You sit with every emotion and Jim never feels like a caricature of himself. It never feels like a parody, even the sillier, funnier, cracky stuff. He feels lived in, loved and all facets of his personality are infinitely on display. You embody this character as well, leading the dash and your followers forward, guiding them to be better and fuller versions of themselves, and picking them up and brushing the dust off when they're feeling down. It is an incredible gift to give the world, this influence, this leadership. It feels incredibly in line with who Jim is. Which is why I truly believe that you have embodied him in the writing so well.
Jim Kirk is one of those characters that is infinitely more complex than people give him credit for, and you sit with every single thing and create magic with it. To an extent where I genuinely believe that Gene Rodenberry himself, would be proud to see your writing.
I am honored to be sharing this journey with you, I'm honored to be your friend. I'm truly blessed to watch you write and evolve and grow.
You are one of my closest, dearest friends. We kept crossing paths in familiar fandoms, but never got the chance to really connect until now, but I am so glad we did.
oh my god this truly left me speechless i don’t know how to even convey my reciprocating feelings without dumping an essay on here i’m so !!!! i’m screaming bc what an honor for me to receive something like this from YOU !!!! i indeed know how important trek is to you and to your family too and never a day goes by i don’t think about how things played out and we came together when and where we meant to aka through our boys although we were mutuals elsewhere. can you believe it happened exactly ONE YEAR ago ?! i can’t believe how much time already passed and how grateful i am for you and Spock. when i made Jim, i had no idea if you would pick up Spock or not so how you did and how we just clicked will forever have me in awe. i know for sure that i wouldn’t be nearly as passionate about Jim if not for how your passion for Spock and Trek didn’t rub off on me. i am your biggest fan both ic and ooc SO READING THIS JUST !!!!!! brings me to tears for real. i am so honored. i definitely consider you one of my bestest friends ever. here’s to hoping for many more years to come !
tell me your honest opinion of my portrayal ★ | accepting !
#AND THE PART ABOUT ME SPECIFICALLY KILLED ME😭#you are so so kind and sweet to me i JUST !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DFSF#the last 3 paras sealed my fate i am now a puddle of emotion#SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP RAINBOWS T'HY'LA#| ★ ANSWERED ( ASKS )#| ★ GLITTER QUEEN POSITIVITY ( SAVED )#prcspcr
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HI I DIDNT KNOW YOU WERE INTO ADAMANDI HOLY SHIT. Can’t believe so few people know about this masterpiece of a musical
:OOOOO hai i agree it is criminally (haha yknow bc there are crimes..) underrated!! and really brilliant!!! discovered it literally midway through the week and akdfjgsjhdsjhjgdf
have a doodle of the saints :3
#this is kinda because on someone's insta i saw one of the saints doing a peace sign dksajh have smth silly#adamandi#ask me stuff???#realising i have to put my tags at the beginning before rambles or tumblr won't catch it#i am into adamandi. now. this is terrible timing because exam season but hMM the academic grindset really resonates now huh#the moment i caught myself in the ao3 tag i was like ''oh.''#i have so many thoughts. so many many thoughts. im so insane about this musical actually. also the fandom so far seems so nice#also yeah! the number of people who know about it is quite small huh.. it makes me kinda feel like im infiltrating the group... ?#late to the party as ever. but it's. so so good. such a musical ever the brainrot is real#also the way the creators themselves are active on tumblr :OO rly cool. ngl the tags they left under my posts had me#giggling screaming kicking my feet etcetera... and bc apparently i thrive off positive reinforcement that sparked the whole cut fruit art..#i am itching to know about the track thing with portia. also portrix real the lesbians keep winning!! also also i may have spent half a day#internet stalking ><. secret pinterest boards where :O#anyway thank you for the ask anon idk how to answer concisely but yes. adamandi. oh my god.#miscellany: can we appreciate ambrose's high notes.. also i was on wiki reading about ''apollonian vs dionysian'' it's insane#on yet another note. im entering my lin era rn i think. what a time. where can i run so true + vincent's surname my beloved. forest imagery#side note? tiny little detail i'd love to do smth about in the future: in word to the wise there's smth about “appraising your rings” and i#the one who pulls the strings beatrix mentions “bought my classmates rings” like. kjdfhsgjkhd???? thinks.#.. but new fav musical unlocked is all#between this and watt i am maybe into my murder musical era. confession that i don't do horror much because i have an overactive imaginatio#but like those two hit the spot. and i think organic imagery.. blood visuals.. is very cool// and the moment you start looking at literal#life and death situations then the dramaticness especially comes in and that's fun!! // also i read smth today about tragedy making you#appreciate irl stuff more. like ''wow thats messed up im sure glad that isnt me i love life''. and lowkey?? yeah
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Okay so I'm trans and tired and it's 2:20am but I suddenly got struck by the idea that my name is Charlie and I want to cry because I feel at home with that and I've tried on so many names in my head but I feel giddy and I know that's euphoria and now wtf do I do.
#personal#trans stuff#trans joy#trans positivity#trans witch writing#Me#Mine#Charlie speaks#OK I am screaming inside now#My name#I know my name#My name is Charlie
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#tdo*#2 tschulljung kann ich da bitte mal die Regieanweisung für sehen danke#legit screaming#once again Moritz stopping by to do some light Acting™ in the evening#gawd#obviously he needs no introduction. man kennt sich.#can't even tag this bc Leni still has the tag blacklisted and I am Matuschekblogging for her eyes only#(this has been in my drafts since February and I am desperately trying to be better this year about making gifsets#and then letting them rot forever and then deleting them)#ANYWAY was about to say with the recent Sönke Möhring announcement I'd be positive we're actually THIS close#to getting Moritz @Traumschiff. unfortunately RTL owns his soul now and he'll never be free#smh tho he could be a main character on Traumschiff instead of some quirky sidekick on rtl🙄
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I can’t even imagine living without anxiety. Like. How. What?
#I mean if I woke up tomorrow with a normal amount of anxiety it would be a shocking difference to my daily life. and I am medicated!!! like.#what? am I missing something here?#my mom tells me that meds can only do so much and that they’re really just meant to make it so you can get out of bed every day#but now I’m wondering like is that true or is that my mom is on the wrong dose herself and something could be done to help us both#gahhhhh idk I just feel helpless bc I’m scared of making big changes and the big changes have to make are scary and large and I need a#bulleted list made of things I can do (and break down into very small steps) to actually progress in a positive way in my life instead of#being SO afraid and SO stagnant. it’s been six months since (ptsd diagnosis causing thing) and I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress even#with a therapist. I’m working towards a more intensive program but I feel like it’s almost making me feel more alienated bc I’d have to like#go be surrounded by other mentally ill people and medical people which brings dad dying trauma and like I know I’m running from it bc I’m#afraid to face the changes I need to make and the feelings that are going to come up but fuck man can’t I get some fucking meds that make#this easier to deal with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grief and ptsd and long term isolation and anxiety and chronic pain like fuck it’s#so exhausting!!!! I feel like I’m fucking fighting thru life and then from the outside it’s like I’m doing nothing cause I stay in my room#and get stoned and play animal crossing and watch tv and cry and over eat and sometimes I drive around in circles so I can scream sing until#my throat burns and I get a headache and everything finally quiets down in my head for a second. I know I look like I’m doing nothing and#that’s because I am doing nothing but waiting for the next time a mental health professional will talk to me for an hour like it’s so sad#anyways. you ever take a big dab and then start crying and type all of this like it’s an epiphany even tho it’s things you already know.#honestly crying in front of the air conditioner is so slay slight breeze over my face cooling the tears the white noise calming me down
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Job hunting has got to be one of my least favorite parts of being alive
#for those of you following the $12 raise saga#I got it and enjoyed for 3 weeks#and then the one project supporting my company through this hell of a spring#ran into funding issues and cut us out#not currently technically jobless but I don't have any work to do#and I am not one to sit around hoping things sort themselves out#SO! we hunt the elusive job beast#but since I've already held the position I'm vying for now#I'm hopeful that my sweet sweet paycheck will be relatively unmarred#once I'm working again#until then *screams*#oh also I'm moving in February lol#maybe it's better than I'm not working right now so I can focus on that#but I tell you what#my anxiety has rarely been worse#don't mind me
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#vent tag#alright I don’t know why I’m venting on main but if I keep screaming into the void I’ll only fuel my self destructiveness#this is kinda hard to read so uh warnings ahead#tw sh related#so um. I broke the promise I made to myself at 12#I cut all over my wrists. I’ve been cutting for years but told myself I’d never reach the wrists because that would’ve been my breaking poi#well.#I’ve reached it.#I’ve reached the breaking point#I keep pushing through doing everything that’s asked of me and not complaining z#with a smile. because better times are coming and I am the change I need#yadda yadda#try to stay positive because my life can be so great#but then I stay home.#with the source of all of my negativity.#and refuse to elaborate on it to my loved ones. because i already do it too much#and so many things happen to every single one of my friends all the time. so I have no right to talk#because it’s too much. and it only makes people feel all too bad for comfort#but I’m tired.#so much happens to me all the time too#even if it’s not as apparent as it can be#so I cut. and I keep stewing in my self hatred. and I keep shouldering what my parents tell me.#my father has been making it Very hard for me lately. he’s almost always the reason I cut these days#of course it’s not only him but that’s not the point#I keep hurting myself over and over because I can’t keep it together anymore#but I have to. my parents need me#my friends need me#I need myself to do the things I have to do#….friends now.#I have almost nobody.
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reading up on autism to figure out what the fuck is going on with me and making a list of personal pros and cons to figure out whether i should feel good or bad about it. as one does
pros: hyperlexia, deeply compassionate, talent for mathematics and the sciences/can do calculations of reasonable complexity in my head, visual hypersensitivity/decent artistic ability when replicating from still life/good at distinguishing subtle colors, acute hearing/good at identifying distinct sounds and sonic textures/deeply moved by music, can rotate some shapes in my head really fast i guess
cons: people can tell something is "off" about me in a fraction of a second and will be anywhere from begrudgingly polite to overtly hostile about it, terminal "not like other girls" disease/feeling of disconnect with existing in a feminine body, can pace for hours on end until my legs hurt, frequent crying & shutdowns, talk about myself and my interests extensively and can't seem to find a way to stop or better relate to others outside of mirroring them, productive work that actually *utilizes* my talents seems to only happen in increasingly infrequent bursts of hyperfocus, recurring identity issues stemming from a fundamental feeling of being born wrong and belonging nowhere, visceral hypersensitivity means i'm in pain from the normal functioning of my own organs for most of the day, people have compared me to sheldon cooper and elon musk, i am constantly begging for the sweet release of death,
#text#hmm. this post was funnier in my head#to be clear i am not one of those ''aut1sm is a superpower'' people and i'm aware that my ''gifts'' afford me significant privilege#but they also used to be things i liked about myself even when i was depressed#now that i'm anywhere from 3-5 yrs into burnout and can't rly *access* my gifts in the capacity i used to be able to anymore#it's rly hard to be positive about things. lol#i used to think that if people were going to think i was weird forever that i should at least be useful#which may not be possible to the degree it once was. and i realize was also a damaging and unhelpful mindset to begin with#tbh i'm rly jealous of the zoomers who seem to have more knowledge about/be more accepting of this stuff.#i think i was just in denial for years. but after looking into it more i'm more certain i'm aut1stic than i've been of anything in my life#which is significant considering the; yknow; identity issues. lol#it's kind of hilarious how many of my old text posts just scream ''undiagnosed aut1stic burnout'' in retrospect#sorry for all the behaviors and stuff. i love my mutuals but i think i have to be on this website less#while i figure my stuff out. i'll still check in but not as often#feel free to reach out in the meantime. i already miss a lot of my friends i lost contact with while going thru it <3#wow these tags got away from me. ok bye
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