#am i having a panic attack?

[cardi-c]

🐢

[thelov3lybookworm]

Stephanie just fucking posted the second acotar book explanation and I haven't even watched the first part of her telling the story and I can't stop smiling Oh my god

I have read the books (obviously) but watching her tell the stories is soo different and I can't bring myself to watch the episodes of books which I have read for some reason

[trans-cuchulainn]

i do think there is a degree to which certain kinds of Instagram activists have convinced themselves that traumatising themselves in solidarity is a useful form of activism. "I'm having nightmares and crying so much I want to be sick because of all these videos of dying children but I can't look away while people are getting hurt" I mean don't you think you'd be able to help more if you weren't having nightmares and crying all the time?? don't you think this is a one-way trip to burnout? don't you think maybe increasing the amount of trauma going around is counterproductive? I dunno bro there's something to be said for bearing witness but there comes a point where you gotta look hard at yourself and go "am I helping, or am I just making myself suffer so I don't feel guilty for not suffering while somebody else is experiencing bad shit"

[wearenotjustnumbers2]

Journalists in gaza are posting their last message.

What are we waiting for, what have we allowed to happen?

Ismail and motaz are the same journalists in this video by the way. They're people who always find light in the dark. Praying for them and all Palestinians.

[strwbrryfire]

[shalom-iamcominghome]

The weirdest thing that I've learned is that there are people (goyim) who thought Fiddler on the Roof was some happy or jolly tale like.

I can't watch Fiddler without having an hours-long panic attack. The music is good, the humor lands, but a happy tale it is not 😭😭😭

[signedjehanne]

people on tumblr will literally post things like “you have to eat vegetables and expand your palate i dont care if you are a picky eater because of autism (if i can overcome it you can too)” and everybody will reblog it being like “yes this is true for everybody no matter what” and think its okay. like sorry but that wont work for everyone and there is no one size fits all and some people will never be able to eat these things no matter how hard they try. im only allowed by my doctors to eat recreationally and not for nutrition, because my ARFID is so severe that i get my nutrition solely from a specially made formula drink. your suggestions of “try vegetables roasted!” or “try them in soup!” and assurances of “i did it, you can too!” don’t work for those of us with more severe mental illnesses and disabilities. stop tying a person’s worth to their diet and stop assuming everybody has the ability to do what you can.

[embraceweird]

"I see your status contest and raise you I am having a hard time breathing"

my new life mantra

[invisiblerambler]

I want to make one thing abundantly clear. Sydney staying at The Bear especially if Carmy decides to do his part in getting his shit together is not her "accepting less than she deserves" it's her deciding that to her the work required is worth it and sometimes the best things do not come easy. Life is not that cut and dry and it's not always about leaving to pursue the easier thing. If she stays it's because she believes it will be the best choice based on whatever priorities she has, you may not see it as the right choice but it doesn't mean she is automatically accepting less than she deserves

[ineed-to-sleep]

*me immediately after going through a terrifying and traumatic experience* haha yeah I guess it was rough but I'm fine now like I'm totally chill. It was kinda funny actually if you think about it

[zouffle]

hey what if we stopped laughing at people for being "out of shape" or "lazy" when they get winded and instead offer them a place to rest or something

[moonkhao]

hi.

[akirathedramaqueen]

The Five Stages Of Grief: Verosika vs. Stolas

Alright, guys, it's time to play the complete denial card and ignore for a moment what we've just seen in the last short Viv dropped like a fucking nuke on our heads (seriously, this woman makes me swear more than a sailor).

Are we going to talk about something light? Ha-ha, you are looking at the angstiest person out here. Sorry. No relief for you.

But maybe some bits of analysis will do? Let's go.

The setup

Some time ago, I discussed how differently Stolas and Verosika react to their breakup with Blitz in response to one of my previous posts (it might be useful to read that to have the whole picture, but it's not crucial—here).

S2EP9, Apology Tour, 8:05

If we recap that reblog, I find that Stolas deals with his emotions much better and processes them in a more mature manner than Verosika does.

We could stop there, really, but I wanted to explore the situation from a different angle. Using the Kübler-Ross five stages of grief model, we can pull out more nuance from their actions and words.

They both went through a similar traumatic event—Blitzø hurt them in arguably one of the worst ways possible. The circumstances, Blitzø's intentions, and the outcomes are slightly different, but at their core, they are both left broken and deeply wounded.

Left: S2EP8, The Full Moon, 22:00 Right: S2EP9, Apology Tour, 18:03

So, what about their personalities makes their responses to trauma so contrasting?

Disclaimer about the model's credibility

This is probably me being overly pedantic, but I want to point out that this model is deemed to be popularized by the media, and professionals’ opinions are conflicted—some say it is accurate while others criticize it for its lack of flexibility or go as far as to say it has no application in real life. The studies are also inconclusive—there are papers both in favor of and against this model.

What am I trying to say here? This is a silly analysis about silly demons from a silly show, and if you do happen to unfortunately experience grief in any way (I am so sorry you have to go through this!), it is essentially experienced by all people differently. You should not feel bad if you skip stages or if their order is messed up.

Okay? <3 Okay. You’ve got this in your own way.

Tomorrow will be better than today.

Stolas: A Classic Way

One of the things I noted in my previous post is that Stolas immediately recognizes the pettiness of the party, and I praised his remarkable ability to see through the issues with such events.

The one day a year the spirits can rise amongst the living and it's spent celebrating mutual pettiness. S2EP9, Apology Tour, 6:55

And don’t get me wrong—his own way of dealing with problems is just drinking them away, and that’s not healthy. That’s why he actually belongs at this party.

But emotionally, Stolas is much more aware of what’s going on with him and the people around him. I think that despite his drinking problem, this awareness helps him process his own grief faster and find resolution—or at least an outlet—in just one night.

Let’s apply the five stages of grief model to him and see what’s going on.

Denial

You can see the denial seeping through during their morning conversation—there are moments when he clearly hopes Blitzø will suddenly listen to him and change his demeanor, despite Blitzø being consistent in his brashness and hostility.

Left: S2EP9, Apology Tour, 3:56 Right: S2EP9, Apology Tour, 4:23

Can you see the hope in his eyes? Can you see how ready he would be to brush off the whole shitshow happened between them just for Blitzø to take at least a bit of accountability or accept his feelings?

Additionally, although it doesn’t fit the term perfectly, we could stretch the concept a bit and say that the following lyrics below are somewhat denialish. Notice, by the way, that it’s not linear to the suggested model—you’ll see why later.

But I, I keep on waiting Waiting to want you less than I do And I do, oh, I do, yes I still do want you S2EP9, Apology Tour, 11:08

'Cause I am not a thief, but you were mine to earn S2EP9, Apology Tour, 11:42

He struggles to accept that the relationship has ended (we struggle too, baby owl, and we're not accepting it… but it gets worse before it gets better), and he still waits for Blitzø to return, maintaining a possessive feeling—“you were mine to earn.”

Anger

Stolas's anger is vastly different from Verosika's—I promise to elaborate on it later.

He uses his anger throughout the morning confrontation with Blitzø to protect himself from Blitzø's attacks and futile attempts to retain the status quo. His anger serves to assert that he is done with the transactional arrangement and Blitzø's behavior.

As shocking as this might seem, Blitzø, I don't think I'm in the mood to "do sex" with you. In fact, I don't think I'm even in the mood to do words with you! So, how about you respect that? S2EP9, Apology Tour, 0:57

[Stolas]: Get out. Right now! [Blitzø]: What?! [Stolas]: I'm tired of this! I'm uncomfortable how you're speaking to me now! S2EP9, Apology Tour, 2:24

And all of this happens just the night after that disastrous full moon meeting! Stolas is pissed off, and rightfully so. But he still gives Blitzø the chance to correct his behavior, explain, and apologize. He asks Blitzø to leave him in peace but stays to hear him out until it becomes clear that Blitzø is not going to relent or give in.

His anger is not used to destroy those he is angry with; rather, it is directed toward keeping himself whole—at least as much as possible.

Bargaining

The whole verse of All 2 U, where Stolas contemplates what went wrong and if there's something they could still do, represents him trying to bargain for a better future.

Maybe there's something here for us to glean? For you to teach and me to try and learn? S2EP9, Apology Tour, 11:32

Of course, this is also something very useful for when they come back together (not if!). Despite Blitzø being the focus in the Apology Tour episode, Stolas has a lot of work to do, too. And him realizing that is a positive step.

But for now, from the perspective we’re looking at, this is a clear sign of him trying to trade anything he can for their relationship to flourish.

Depression

Eventually, Stolas breaks down publicly. He can’t hold the mask on anymore; seeing Blitzø is unbearable, as it reminds him too much of everything that happened and everything that could’ve been.

You! Why are you here? I don't want you here, go home, please! Let me not feel so sad! S2EP9, Apology Tour, 15:50

And he manages to compose himself incredibly quickly…

S2EP9, Apology Tour, 16:07

It takes him just 17 seconds to fall into crying and calm himself. But there was more brewing beneath the surface—he just didn’t show it.

Calm yourself, young prince. You know excitement is unbecoming of a Goetia. S2EP1, The Circus, 00:20

Acceptance...?

Then there's the guy who received more hate than he (allegedly) deserved—Better Than Blitzo guy. He asks Stolas for a dance, and Stolas accepts. He seems to quite enjoy himself there, actually… maybe even a tad too much (arguably).

Well, I just wanted to see if... Maybe... I dunno... You'd wanna... Dance? S2EP9, Apology Tour, 16:16

S2EP9, Apology Tour, 19:08

S2EP9, Apology Tour, 20:08

Did he move on? Did he get over Blitzø? We don’t know. I don’t think so. But that dance was certainly an outlet. A relief he was ready to accept. He was ready not to dwell on negative emotions and allow himself to feel something good for a change.

Verosika: A scorched earth way

Now, let’s see how Verosika is doing after all these years post-breakup. Surely she can’t care less about Blitzø now, right?

Anger

Right… No petty feelings at all.

S1EP3, Spring Break, 8:13

There's still resentment...

A selfish imp in the sheets And just as bad in the streets A reckless, heartbreaking freak! S1EP7, Ozzie's, 11:54

Anger… to the murderous degree, actually…

Fuck Blitzo in the fucking ass! S2EP9, Apology Tour, 8:14

Disrespect...

That cock-sucking motherfucker! S2EP9, Apology Tour, 9:36

Remember when I said their anger is different?

She uses hers to fuel her determination to destroy Blitzø’s reputation. She uses her fame and all her resources to humiliate him.

She never moved past anger. Never really processed it.

But wait…

Acceptance?!

S2EP9, Apology Tour, 18:55

All it took was just one long-overdue genuine talk. The moment she saw Blitzø's remorse and let her feelings out, she immediately warmed up, stopped using his dead name, and even gave advice—it’s debatable whether it was the best one, but I believe she meant well for both Blitzø and Stolas.

Hold it, Blitzø. Y’know, if you wanna change, it just starts with saying: “Good for him, hope he gets laid.” S2EP9, Apology Tour, 19:18

You know, I feel there’s a good chance that the next anti-Blitzo party might not ever happen again.

Because she leaped through all the stages in one night, and, maybe not at that exact moment, but she is on the path to acceptance. Finally letting it go.

Baby, I'm not over it, but I'm over you.

Could've saved many years of simmering in rage and destructing herself over Blitzø though.

Conclusions

Oh shit, now I need to somehow connect all the dots, don’t I?

Well... *chuckles nervously* I guess I gotta put on my nerd glasses and pretend I knew what I was doing here and not just threw shit at the wall and saw what stuck.

What I really wanted to say is that Stolas is much more self-aware and was able to work through all his feelings and process them in one day. He went through the complete journey and made immense progress. We don’t know how it will go further, but from what we’ve seen, his emotional intelligence helps him, if not to avoid problematic behaviors like binge-drinking, then at least not to burn bridges behind him, leaving space for understanding, forgiveness, and acceptance.

It’s not to say that Verosika’s way of doing things was wrong because she was angry and skipped through some stages. It was wrong because she made her entire personality revolve around it, turning bringing Blitzø down in any way possible into her ultimate life goal. It was wrong because she never processed it.

And it shows why, even after the break-up, #stolitz can still work, given that Blitzø is open about how he feels and Stolas is open to listening to it.

AGAIN! There’s no right way to process grief. But there should be a priority to heal and accept instead of doubling down and ruining yourself and everything you cared for.

(I am watching you, Blitzø hater. Don’t you dare to shit on my poor lizard. He has his own heap of issues and has had enough after that fucking penguin slur short. So don’t. >:()

[moregraceful]

list of things i have seen on my roadtrip so far:

snow

3 rainbows

red sun rising

red sun setting

$2.95/gal gas

the depot where they make the electric caltrain trains

I helped an old man jumpstart his car and after we got it sorted (in the pouring rain, after 30 minutes, bc neither of us had used a hybrid engine to jumpstart a car), he said I wish I had cash to give you, my guardian angel was watching out for me, she blessed me with you. I was like ok well you're welcome, it's no problem 😅 and he said would you like to see my guardian angel? and I was like, um? and he pulled out the FATTEST, SLEEPIEST CHIHUAHUA FROM HIS TRUCK and said, here she is...my guardian angel :)

a saskatchewan license plate in nevada

[super-rangers]

Anyways the good boy deserves pets

[alluralater]

kinda want to start a text post series about the things i've learned/experienced being biracial.

for instance, when i was little i was fortunate enough to have spent plenty of time with my great grandmother in south carolina. she was fully black and she taught me about my heritage, my lineage, where we come from and how we survived as long as we did through slavery and the civil rights movement. one afternoon while at her house she asked me to come sit with her. when i did she seemed hesitant, like she wanted to tell me something but wasn't sure how to do so. i asked her if she needed me to fix her oxygen line and she replied no. it was a long minute or two that passed just sitting there on the couch next to her before she abruptly began telling me what it was like for her growing up.

i had known this particular information already and was prepared to tell her (she was in her 90s and sometimes would forget certain conversations) but then she started telling me what it was like for those she knew that were of mixed descent and the crimes perpetrated against people like me by white people as well as other black people. i will absolutely not be talking about those stories on here because of how graphic and scary they are but i will tell you what she told me afterwards.

she said she was afraid for me. she said that i was loud and outspoken and it was a fine line which i needed to be careful walking. she told me it would have been better if i'd been born black instead, or even just white passing, because my ambiguity put me at risk.

'you won't fit in anywhere. people don't like what they don't understand.'

my great grandmother was a wonderful woman and her fear was held similarly to that of my parents and grandparents. she told me it would be worse as a woman, that my brother would have an easier time because white people would like him and his blackness was less questionable because he was a boy. and she was right of course but i didn't understand why it mattered then. unfortunately i was hurt by many as well as bullied constantly growing up for my looks but i kept that to myself for the most part.

my great grandmother told me i was lucky that i was pretty, because being pretty and sweet might save me. she told me about how she felt when my older sister was born, how angry she was with my dad for having children with a white woman and creating "abominations." that word among others i heard a lot as a child from plenty of people whether strangers or family. she said she hated the idea of us at first but then loved us— me. she had realized most of her hatred was rooted in her fear for what could happen based on the things she knew of and saw in her own experience, on top of things that had happened to her. my dad had previously had a few conversations with me asking if i'd been bullied at school at all for being biracial and i always told him no and lied because i didn't want him to worry. my great grandmother explained to me that it was better to use my cuteness, tone down my intelligence when in the presence of anyone that was not like me, and be careful. she said that i would never be black enough to be accepted fully because i would always be seen as something else, and i would never be seen as white because i didn't look it. i hugged her carefully so as not to pull the tube from her nose. i didn't feel offended by anything she said. the shake in her voice was enough to show me how painful it was for her to say. she loved me and while she said i would have a better life than she did because the world was changing, it would be more lonely.

being biracial i have learned to fit in everywhere and yet still, i fit in almost nowhere. i was a dirt poor kid that wore the same few outfits to school as a child because my mom worked three jobs and barely had enough money for gas let alone new clothes or extra gas to go to a donation center for anything new. i shared a single room with my four siblings and my mom for a long time. while other people were learning to accept their identities and navigate the world accordingly, i was learning to be quiet and blend into the background, not make too much noise in front of the wrong audience, feigning stupidity when people began to see me as a threat as i aged out of the 'cute mixed toddler' category. i was learning to be a mother to my siblings and protect them from a world that hated us. being biracial meant learning that i was seen as entertaining, looked at in the same way as a selectively bred puppy. i learned that i was fetishized by many for my looks and simultaneously looked down on for them. i learned that grown men considered me attractive in a sexual sense because of my mixed looks and had no problem telling me or acting on that. i learned that white women hated me but envied me, cherry picking which attributes they loved about me most and disregarding all others. i learned that being biracial was always about proving myself, justifying my existence to those who wouldn’t accept me fully regardless, fearing the intentions of people who wanted to be with me or have me alone. i learned that many people expected me to pick a side, choose one half of myself and leave the other behind, as if i am not already in existence held together by the parts of my heritage that created me from halves to whole.

being biracial and not passing on either side was and can be very lonely. there were many years as a child that i thought life would be easier if i weren't alive. attempting to find community when you are always seen as 'other' was hard. thankfully when i moved here i met more people like me, and my great grandmother was right. the sense of community i have with people who share experiences like mine is similar to no other. i can be myself, my entire self. i'm black and i'm white, but i am biracial. one day i’ll have to share this information with my children, and even though it pains me to recall these experiences among thousands of others, i understand now why my great grandmother and other family members were so worried for my safety and my quality of life. my experience as a biracial woman specifically is something i don't really ever talk about on here in depth because i have community to have these conversations with irl thankfully and do often, but it matters to me and i'd like to talk about it more.

anyways thank you for reading <3