#am i finally cringe and free? | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

natasha-in-space · 2 months ago

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Birthday gift for myself that turned into Valentines gift that then turned into just a gift for no particular special occasion... Who's the slowest creator around? Confident Ray is very dear to me, so have a self-indulgent one-shot to go along with it :3

"-Here. I... wasn’t sure what you’d want to drink. My Savior said that champagne is never a bad choice in a gathering like this. It's not my taste, but... I'm sure she knows better when it comes to these things."

Ray wanted nothing more than to make a good impression on her, so when he finally plucked up the bravery to approach her, he felt a little embarrassed. He wanted make her eyes light up once they landed on him. However, a big part of him understood that was probably a fool's errand; he was far too busy making sure everyone in Magenta was safe and getting ready for tonight's party to even have time to get dressed up. It was hard to not feel disappointed in himself, a familiar sting of self-loathing settling deep within his chest, in that cozy corner of his heart reserved just for this ugly feeling alone. He hoped he could at least improve in the future. For her. But he ought to at least check that she was having fun.

They don't get to enjoy a lavish party like this one very often. Those held by the RFA did not stand a chance to this. His Savior knew how to provide genuine happiness to everyone in attendance. It was a night of magical bliss and paradise.

Ray examined her from head to toe for a moment, admiring her dress. He's seen it on the rack before, of course - he wouldn't gift her something he did not personally approve of - but it was hard to not take a closer look regardless. The flowing black dress, high collar, and puffy, see-through sleeves accentuated her shape superbly and gave her a distinct charm that was uniquely hers. Those star-shaped sequences sprinkled over the soft fabric of her sleeves sparkled under the chandeliers just like real stars in the night sky would. In his eyes, anyway. A fitted, black corset was just the perfect cherry on top to fully take his breath away.

Her appearance was as stunning as the bright summer night sky. While he certainly had a preference for all things pink and bright when it came to her, seeing her in something that she herself was happy to wear was more fulfilling than any puffy princess dress. The tight, flattering corset that perfectly fitted her shape gradually captured all Ray's attention, despite his efforts to appear composed. It was hard not to stare. In fact, he was pretty sure he failed on that already, mentally cursing himself for looking like a bumbling fool.

In any case, he had to force himself to return to the present moment when he saw her eyes narrow a little behind her glasses as she turned to face him and apparently took him in. He tried to not shift under her gaze too much, acutely aware of his own lack of proper fitting attire. To his relief, however, she simply nodded slightly, smiling, and taking the champagne from him.

"Ah, thank you! You didn't have to bring me a drink, but I do appreciate it."

He silently hoped she would enjoy the refreshing, bubbly drink as he watched her take a sip. It's not as if he could test this one for her before handing it over. It was one of those few things he just couldn't bring himself to do. But his discomfort was not nearly as important as her own enjoyment tonight.

He quietly coughed into his fist, trying to divert his eyes from her lips as they closed around the rim of the glass, and instead decided to take a sip of his own drink. It was just cool watermelon juice. Every time, his Savior was kind enough to provide him non-alcoholic drinks. She didn't have to do that. Not drinking anything at all would be alright with him. But it was a kindness he wanted to appreciate nonetheless.

"Of course... I want to make you feel welcome." After giving her another glance, he made the decision to give her the credit she deserves. "You look absolutely breathtaking in that dress, by the way."

She seemed almost bashful as she smiled a little at the comment, her hand fiddling with a lock of her hair and her eyes briefly darting to the floor. He knew she was not used to someone complimenting her appearance of all things. She was always commended for her intelligence rather than her beauty. He wanted to be an exception to that. Give her everything she wasn't given before.

"...Thanks. You're not so bad yourself."

He was left cocking his head to the side like a confused puppy, even if he did detect the mischievous overtones in her comment. "Oh... I'm afraid I didn't have time to pick up a fitting outfit for tonight."

Her smile grew into a full grin: "Yeah, so? I still think you look beautiful."

Ray couldn't help but smile back, feeling, for the first time in a long while, pretty proud of himself. It was funny, how much of an effect just a couple of kind words from her could do.

"Thank you." Since he has never received many compliments in his life, the truth is that he was never particularly good at accepting them either. Knowing that a wonderful person like her thought he was beautiful was more than gratifying for his ego. He felt more relaxed thanks to her. He looked around the spacious room, taking in the decor: crystal chandeliers, velvet couches, marble flooring. Everything was a reflection of the lavish celebration taking place around them. He sighed, lowering his voice so that their exchange remained somewhat private to just them two: "Truth be told... I never was a fan of events like these. It's... far too bright and crowded. And I'm expected to be on my best behavior. I know my Savior would be greatly disappointed in me, should she catch ear of this... I wish I could be better for her."

"I suppose I can get that," she murmured, leaning against the wall. With a quiet giggle, she placed her champagne glass on the nearest table and snatched up his own glass instead, taking a sip. She seemed to enjoy it, humming in satisfaction before continuing: "There's some unspoken pressure to be... a certain way, I guess? Although I never really attended gatherings like this before. Which... might be obvious."

It was, indeed, pretty clear to Ray that she was not accustomed to this type of situation. She looked disoriented and out of place, as if she didn't truly belong here. He was all too familiar with that feeling. Resting against the wall next to her, he crossed his arms, watching her enjoy his juice with a small smile. She threw away the expensive champagne for his simple drink instead, which somehow moved him. Almost like a wordless 'I like you better' assurance exchanged between them.

"It... might be a little obvious. You do look a little tense." Smiling, he put a kind hand on her shoulder. "Don’t worry. No one will bite you here. I'll make sure of it."

She shook her head and laughed at that. The sound of her beautiful laugh made Ray's smile only grow. If only briefly, he was happy to have diverted her attention from the oppressive atmosphere. Teasing and joking around was not something he was all that confident in. It felt natural with her, though.

"I hope not."

"-Trust me, everyone is just trying to honor our Savior tonight. You don't have to worry about anyone putting any pressure on you." He retrieved his juice from her with ease, taking a sip himself, and then gesturing with the flute to her. "And, to me... you’re the most interesting thing here so far."

At that, she raised her brows a little, blinking up at him. He supposed his compliment did come out of a blue. Of course, he wouldn't take it back.

"Not to sound like a skeptic, but there's very little interesting about me from where I'm standing. I think I barely left this corner the entire night."

Ray gave her a sidelong glance with a tiny inclination of his head. It did seem like she was a bit of a wallflower at this party. Standing here all alone, avoiding the crowds…? He frowned slightly.

"Well, let’s change that." He gave her a gentle shoulder bump. "You trust me, right?"

After maintaining silent eye contact with him for about a minute, she nodded. "Of course."

Ray gently pulled her along by reaching down and taking her hand, his gloved fingers closing around hers with a light but steadying grip.

"I'm glad to hear that. Let’s go dance."

On any other occasion, he may have been fine with just sitting and looking pretty all night, if only his Savior was happy with his presence being seen by other believers. But tonight, he had energy and charm. Why not show it off for her? It sounded like a brilliant way to impress her. And he did want her to be impressed with him. Plus, he was not about to let her wallow here all alone.

Her legs stumbled forward clumsily, her eyes widening in surprise as she was pulled along. She stared at him, a silent question in her green eyes. That was certainly not what she was expecting.

"W-Wait, huh? I don't-"

In the moment, Ray couldn't help but feel a bit sorry for her.

Through her eyes alone, he could nearly hear the words that hung on the tip of her tongue. That wide-eyed: 'I have no idea how to do this!' look. Of course, he could understand that. It was one thing for her to dance all alone in her own room, and it was completely another to do it in a whole crowd of people. Not to mention a waltz. Knowing her, she was probably thinking of all the ways she could make a fool of herself, realistic and utterly ridiculous alike. Given that she was wearing heels, he did attempt to be extra cared with her. It took her a whole day of training to just walk on them properly without wobbling!

However, he found her awkward attempts to move down the corridor in her new heels to be a cute sight in and of itself.

"Hey, easy. I've got you. Walk with me, don’t just follow." With a quiet laugh, he placed one hand on her hip. He held her, guiding her as he took the lead. He was nearly breathless from how delightfully easy it seemed. Being in control felt right, natural. And he was rarely in control like this before. His hand squeezed her waist lightly: "Just trust me."

He knew, of course, that this was her first time participating in a true slow dance with someone, and that she might not have danced quite like this previously. But he was more than experienced in this. After all, he needed to serve as an example in those rare instances of his Savior deciding to lead a dance with him. Although, he was never the one leading the dance before.

It felt... quite nice, actually. To be the one fully in control for once.

She opened her mouth to refute, but then closed it, deciding to humor him in spite of everything. Instead, she let out a small exasperated sigh through her nose, but she didn't go further than that. With all the other couples swirling about them, she obviously felt very uncomfortable and out of place, so it was difficult for her to follow his advise.

Her usual spot was supposed to be in a quiet, cozy corner, not in the middle of a fancy dance floor.

"Since when you knew how to waltz?" She muttered, a note of exasperation in her voice. Although it wasn't at all directed at him.

A little delighted by her attempt to follow along, Ray shook his head and giggled once more. She was so cute.

"It’s not that difficult, I'm sure you'll be way better than me once you get the hang of it." Naturally, he was taking it easy on her because he knew she had no prior experience with this. He held her body a bit closer to his to guide her better and to make sure she didn't trip over his feet. Even though he wouldn't have a problem with her accidentally stepping on his foot. Since he was taller than her, she was now dancing with her chin level with his shoulder, and he couldn't help but feel his heart flutter at that small observation. He brushed a thumb over the palm of her hand. "Just try to relax. You’re so stiff."

"-Because I don't do this," she huffed out, her movements slightly stilted and jerky. The shiny marble floor tiles seemed to be the most intriguing thing to her at the moment. She was able to partially ignore everyone else in the room by staring at them, at least. "...I look stupid."

Ray let out a sigh that was both loving and worried. She seemed like she was really not having a good time.

"No you don’t, you look wonderful." When he looked at her, he saw just how anxious she really was. And he knew it wouldn't help to just say 'calm down' without taking any proper action to help her settle. He was all too familiar with that. So, he made the decision to be more bold than usual. After bringing both of her hands up to rest on his shoulders, he moved his own hands to her waist and drew her closer. Despite his efforts to keep her close primarily for her comfort, he was finding this new intimacy to be somewhat alluring. The way her figure was now pressed flush against his like this was… not unwelcome, to say the least. In an attempt to get her attention, he leaned slightly closer and spoke to her in a soft murmur that only she could hear: "Relax. Just look at me. Not at your feet, or at anybody else. No, at me. Okay?"

Her breath caught a little as she blinked at his closer proximity, and he was instantly acutely aware of her flowery perfume flooding his nose. She did always prefer subtle perfumes, ones that were borderline unnoticeable unless you get close. He liked that. Her scent never being overwhelming, only sweet and tempting. Just like she was. He stared, almost hesitantly, as she lifted her eyes to finally meet his.

"What is this?"

Ray's eyes sparkled with affection. Her body's closeness against his and the feel of her waist in his hands was something he was definitely enjoying more than he was showing. Rather shyly, he smiled down at her: "A dance…?"

He heard a tiny snort escape her as the edges of her mouth lifted into a smile. Success.

"No, I mean- I get that this is a dance, but..." Her hands lightly brushed his shoulders and he shivered at the subtle sensation, finding himself wishing he wasn't wearing quite as many layers, if only to feel the warmth of her touch more closely. She was not watching the believers now. "You're... pretty close."

He started guiding her again, easing her into the next song's pace.

"What I’m trying to do is get you out of your own head. Even if only for a moment," he gave a small shake of his head and continued to move her in time with the music. All the while, he kept his eyes trained solely on her, noticing all the little things like the way her cheeks flushed slightly under his unyielding attention, the way her chest rose and fell with every breath she took, the way her lashes fluttered gently behind her glasses. He could tell he was having an effect on her, and, of course, she was also having an even greater effect on him. She always did. "You’re thinking too much. You’re overanalyzing."

There was a sense of lighthearted flirtation in his smooth, mellow voice.

She gave a tiny pout and a sigh at that. Though it wasn't necessarily directed at him. He was right, after all. That was the point.

"Yeah, you just described me all the time," she deadpanned, glancing around anxiously for a moment. "I don't do this whole... going with the flow thing. And I wasn't planning on dancing tonight. I would've practiced beforehand if I did."

That made Ray chuckle a little. The idea of her practicing for this was just too adorable. Even if every word she spoke was a reflection of himself. He knew she was a very reserved person, often seen with her nose in a book or a computer screen. And she was definitely not a 'let loose' kind of person. It's why he felt drawn to her in the first place. She understood him. And he understood her. There was no need to be someone he was not when she was near. Because he knew she'll understand him without asking.

All he wanted was to express that feeling to her.

"You don't need to practise, you just need to stop being so stiff."

She gave him a look. "That's easier said than done, though."

Given that she was an intellectual person, he hesitated for a few seconds before attempting a different strategy. He leaned forward slightly, lowering his voice to a whisper.

"You know, the brain consumes about 20% of your body’s energy at any given time." Still speaking, he lowered his face closer to her as he led her around the dance floor: "Not to mention, studies say people who are more relaxed are able to retain their memories and facts significantly better than when they’re all stiff and anxious. Just… let go a little. Be a little reckless. Just for tonight."

She raised her brows, looking a little taken aback by his answer. Before he could say anything else, she bursted out laughing, shaking her head.

Ray smiled, his eyes bright. Her laugh was beautiful, and he wanted nothing more than to to hear it again, and again.

"Are you trying to trick me into dancing with you or something?"

Granted, it worked. Even if it was for a different reason.

"Maybe… But I really just want to see that pretty smile again." He placed his hand back on her hip and ran his thumb across her waist, making it feel delicate and personal. He knew that seeing her be so relaxed and happy was having a great effect on him. It felt like floating on clouds. Although she was usually serious and he found it charming all the same, her laughter was absolutely intoxicating. More than anybody else, he wanted to be the one to make her let out that sound for him, over and over again. As they danced, the song slowed down to a more romantic melody. He had the ideal justification to hold her close to him for a little while longer thanks to this slow dance. He leaned against her, keeping his arm around her waist, and whispered in her ear: "You’re having fun now, aren’t you?"

His eyes were full of pure appreciation, his voice both amused and comforting. He loved seeing her this way - relaxed, smiling, carefree. He couldn't help but flirt with her just a little bit more.

She made an effort to deny it, but all she managed to do was shake her head and sulk. Despite the fact that there was still a small smile blooming on her lips.

"Alright, alright, maybe I am," she admitted, glancing down at her heels. "...In a way."

Ray gave her waist a little squeeze of appreciation, humming in delight. Still, he acknowledged that she was not yet fully relaxed. He could still see her nervousness and incessant glances at the other believers around them. So he decided to be even more bold with her, given how luck has been on his side so far. His nose softly brushed hers as he drew closer.

"Just focus on me. Don’t look at anyone but me." He was aware of her tendency to avoid attachment, to keep things as impersonal as possible, but for these brief seconds of enchanted joy, he wanted her to concentrate on him and him alone. So he pulled both of them to the side of the dance floor, finding a quiet corner, and whispering to her: "There."

As they both vanished into the shadows, away from the other dancers, he leaned over and gave her a gentle peck on the cheek. He understood that it was likely something she's never had before, either. It pleased him to be the one who introduced her to these new experiences.

She stared up at him quietly, her mouth falling open in surprise. Obviously, she didn't anticipate that one. She was so taken aback by it, in fact, that she just gawked back at him, utterly confused, her thoughts going blank for a minute. He supposed that was one way of clearing her head.

"What was that for?"

Finally catching her off guard, he smiled broadly, his eyes practically glistening with delight. He held her closer to him, the two of them now tucked away in a quiet corner of the party space, a little hideaway meant only for them and no one else.

"That?" He gently pressed another little kiss on her forehead. "For being the most beautiful person at this party…"

Next, he planted a kiss on the tip of her nose.

"Smartest…"

And lastly, the corner of her mouth, with the smallest of pressure, feeling how soft her lips were. His breath tickled her as he whispered against her mouth: "And because I simply can’t resist you."

His heart was pounding so loudly now that he could feel it fluttering with every kiss, reverberating in his temples. Much to his relief, she didn't seem opposed to his sudden outpouring of affection for her. He wanted to kiss her even more because of her flushed cheeks. She certainly forgot all about the anxiety of being around many attractive people. He undoubtedly succeeded if his intention was to divert her attention from other people and direct it toward him instead.

That was just how he felt, even though he knew it was bold of him - bolder than anything he had ever done. He's been drawn to her ever since he met her, but he was always far too anxious and reserved to ever make a move on her properly before. But right now, he felt like he wouldn't be able to contain himself if he kept seeing her smile directed at him. It was totally irresistible.

"...You know, you are making it hard not to kiss you senseless right now," she muttered, almost like a grumble as she looked down, tapping her foot in an anxious rhythm. But now the tense energy around her was of a new kind. She may have done exactly that if they hadn't been in the ballroom. However, as it is, that was a little too bold to be put into practice.

Ray held her tight as he laughed softly at that. The feel of her body in his arms was so good and warm. Even through the layers of clothing between them, he could swear he felt the warmth of her skin and the quickening pitter-patter of her heartbeat. He gently grasped her hand, while keeping the other one resting on her waist, lifting it towards his face. He turned his head and kissed her palm tenderly, his eyes only focused on her alone.

"Kiss me senseless, hmm?" He murmured. The idea of that was something he definitely liked. No, craved. "I can take you somewhere more private…"

He was aware that what he was proposing was dangerous, but at the moment, he didn't care all that much. He was only interested in spending the rest of the night with her as long as he could. He wanted her more than anything else.

"Then you can do whatever you want to me."

Never before has he been so daring as to follow his wants and desires rather than what was expected of him.

She was so surprised by his idea that her eyes went wide as saucers once more. His offer did sound scandalous. In any case, his breath caught when he saw that initial look of surroundings fade into something more sharp and charged. She opened her mouth a few times, only to close it again, at a loss for words. At last, she gave up and simply shook her head, laughing incredulously. She was cute when she got all speechless like this.

"I... It is tempting," she admitted, not wanting to make him feel unwanted. "-But I don't want to get you in trouble. Would be bad if someone noticed us being absent."

After a brief moment of hesitation and shifting on her feet, she leaned up and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. It was a wordless promise of 'another time' instead of 'no'.

Ray nearly passed out right on the spot. He felt her kiss like a physical tingle that reverberated throughout his body, like a bolt of electricity. Only this one did not brought any pain with it. The opposite. God, he wanted to keep this moment in his memory forever.

"-You wanted to dance, right? Let's do that. I think I'm fine with giving it another go."

She tugged at his hand a little, smiling shyly at him.

He was nearly dizzy from her kiss, but he remained calm. Or, tried to. And failed miserably. He nodded his head, smiling broadly.

"Yes. Let’s." He held her tight as he guided her back to the dance floor. And he continued to hold her tight as they resumed their dancing. He found himself simply enjoying the moment, feeling her heart beat quickly against his own, as they stayed back in the shadows so the other dancers couldn't see them much. He sighed, the sound coming out almost longingly: "You know, I think I’ve actually been craving your company all night."

He desired to hold her in his arms. On his lap as he worked. Everywhere. But he was still trying to keep the fragile mask of propriety on, so that they wouldn't draw more attention than he was comfortable with.

"Well, you have me. All night," she said simply, that smile of hers he adored so much ever-present. "And all the nights after tonight."

When she was blessing him with such lovely promises, it was difficult to resist embracing her right then and there like a lovestruck fool. He settled for nuzzling her temple for now.

"Then you'll make me the happiest person our paradise has ever seen."

And he did not any elixir or his Savior's teachings for that. This was true paradise. One that he could not afford to let go of.

Tagging @she-is-home per your request! <3

#mystic messenger #mysmes #mysme #mm #ray choi #saeran choi #choi saeran #mystic messenger ray #ray x self insert #it's finally donneeee #i am cringe but i am free #anatomy is fucked but oh well #sigh... i can't afford pretty gothic dresses in my real life... might as well give myself one like this....#i have no idea how long it is i swear i can't keep it under 2k words lately #btw yes i am that tiny #ray be pretty small already and i am even smaller

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