#am i being irrational here am i overthinking

[hyunjinz]

.

[gongedtornado]

help girl i got too silly <\3 (overthought every interaction ever)

[theharrowing]

One Day at a Time

Yoongi loves to help others. As a professional surrogate, he takes pride in using his body to help families bring life into this world, and love into their homes. But when his high school crush Kim Namjoon hires Yoongi to help him and his wife conceive, things get...precarious.

Or, Omega Yoongi gets bred by Alpha Namjoon and holy shit, does he fall in love.

🐺 Yoongi x Namjoon, established Namjoon x Wheein

🌙 word count: 39.4k

🌙 past acquaintances to lovers, a/b/o, mpreg, infidelity, angst, smut, eventual fluff, slash, nsfw, 21+

🌙 warnings: alpha/top Namjoon, omega/bottom Yoongi; Namjoon is married, and he has a big dick; Yoongi is a mess, and he cries a lot; a/b/o stuff (mating cycles, lots of scent stuff, wolf instincts, marking - there will be blood, omega slick), angst (hormones raging, pining, emotional infidelity, infidelity, hurt/comfort), smut (ritualistic sex, ass to mouth, anal sex, multiple orgasms, overstimulation, extremely painful knotting, pregnant sex, begging, praising, possessiveness), confessions, falling in love, "happy ending."

🌙 note: hello, and welcome to my very first a/b/o fic! this is going to be a more modern take on some a/b/o lore and ideas. i did so much research and asked friends who are better versed with the lore and tropes (thank you @sailoryooons and @sweetestofchaos, i love you to the moon and back!!!), and i am really pleased with what has come of this. i never thought i would write a pregnancy fic, but here i am. the power of namgi and infidelity compels me. that being said, infidelity is a big part of this fic, so if you're not into that, you will not like this!!! this has all the build up and tension and very intense smut that one might come to expect from one of my fics, so buckle up and take the warnings seriously. 🌙 Yoongi deals with a lot of mood swings with his heat cycle, so if he seems completely irrational at times, it is because he is. and oh boyyyy, does he cry a lot. A LOT. idk how to describe Yoongi's genitalia situation. he has a dick but also … idk ... would his butt be a cloaca??? best not to overthink it. sometimes it is referred to as a cunt. hehehe. Wheein in this fic is very real housewives and i love/hate her.

🌙 written for one shot two shot fest

🌙 thanks to @neoneunnajimin & @sailoryooons for beta reading!

🌙 posted july 2023 | read on ao3 (link coming soon!)

INDEX:

1: I finally get to have you | 19.9k words

2: It feels right; I don't care if it's wrong | 19.3k words

tags: @codeinebelle @dasexydevitt13 @giriiboyy @mgthecat​ @moonleeai @m1sss1mp @spookyminyunki @sumzysworld @yoongoboongo0🌙 comment or dm to be added to the tag list!

One Day at a Time is copyright 2023 theharrowing, all rights reserved. no translations or reposts allowed!

[kuruna]

omg what a fun ask game… for xan!!! my friend xan…. 💥🍧💐🍁✏️🌠. sorry for so many i just like him 😭

Heehee I'm happy to talk about him ^.^ I'm glad you like him so much...! :~)

💥 COLLISON - what emotions do they have trouble dealing with?

I've mentioned before that Xan struggles with feelings of guilt and insecurity... unfortunately for him, these emotions get twisted together and shape into anger! Unlike his brother who turns his anger into actions, Xan's anger tends to stop him in his tracks. He overthinks things and reacts a bit immaturely, and his own immaturity just makes him feel even worse 😔 unfortunately he tends to take the mental leap from "I am experiencing an irrational emotion" to "therefore I must be a bad person" and it makes it difficult for him to process these emotions properly.

🍧 SHAVED ICE - do they still have any objects from their childhood? what significance does it have to them? what would their reaction be if they lost it?

Not "from his childhood" in the traditional sense, but the jewelry he wears used to belong to his mother, and she'd worn it for as long as he can remember. As you can imagine he has a pretty significant attachment to his jewelry due to this, and keeps it in pretty good shape despite being very, very aged at this point in time. If he lost even a single piece he'd be inconsolable 💔

💐 BOUQUET - create a bouqet for them! what do those flowers mean? are any of the flowers their particular favourite?

I've actually thought of this kinda thing recently ^.^ using the flower meanings listed here. For a bouquet: - Scabiosa (unfortunate attachments) - Hyacinth (purple) (Forgiveness and sorrow) - Star of Bethlehem (Hope and reconciliation) - Magnolia (Nobility) A flower that I associate with him but I wouldn't put in the bouquet is spiderlily, due to its association with both death and clinginess. As for his favourites I could see him liking snapdragons quite a bit...!

🍁 MAPLE LEAF - what is their favourite season? why?

I think he's rather fond of Autumn! I think he enjoys watching the world around him change, and how it's a bit different every time despite how long he's lived and how many times he's seen it. I also think he appreciates that it isn't Hot anymore, but also isn't too cold yet either (he has a naturally low body temperature so winter is NOT for him)

✏️ PENCIL - is there a particular quote / lyric that you associate with them?

"Inhuman one, your strength will destroy you" from Caroline Alexander's translation of The Iliad !

🌠 SHOOTING STAR - if they could make any wish with no repercussions, what wish would they make?

This is a hard one... I can see him wishing for different things at different points in times. At some point he might've wished to become king, though he would also feel frustrated that it didn't happen based on his own merits alone. At another point he would've probably wished for an end to his immortality / deathlessness. Nowadays... I think he would refuse such an offer! I think that he is determined to build a future for himself with his own two hands.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello, I came across this page and I very much enjoy it and love it here.          

I will keep it short. I just want to share this little problem of mine. First of all, I am a 19 old INFJ (not very sure about it but its for another post). I am an overthinker, who worries about the smallest things. ‘What will this person think if I do this’ ‘what will this person feel if I said that’, so I am very cautious and careful about my actions and think a lot before doing anything. I have just come to realize that I feel guilty even about the smallest things, even for things that happened a long time ago, I just remember them and I feel a tinge of sadness thinking about them. I will share some of them here.

I remember somewhere in primary school between grade 1 to 3, I had an assignment to make skeletons from paper and pins. My mother did the assignment for me, and I think that she took time and effort to make it. Once I presented it and was done, I had this urge to destroy it and I acted on my impulse. Immediately after I felt really bad. I knew that it was going to be thrown nevertheless, but being destroyed like that  I felt I was undermining my mother’s effort and it was not the best feelings, I know it is a bit dramatic but I was little at that time.

Another incident, a long time ago too, my sister drew a girl and then out of fun I drew ribs on the girl, like she was skeleton then I felt bad and said why did I do that. Although my sister didn’t mind it much.  

Again, when I was around 9, my sister and I wanted to watch Frozen (separately), and we searched the net to find a website to watch, she searched in her iPad and I gave mine to our father to search for me. After a long time, my father came to me excited that he found and downloaded the movie for me but not in English in our mother language and I complained that I wanted it in English, then my sister said that she found a website in English, and I decided to watch with her. I felt really bad because my father wanted to find me something, but I didn’t take what he gave me. This incident really makes me feel bad till now when I think about it haha.     

This is trivial and doesn’t involve me, but I felt a little bad. We bought a PlayStation and me and my sister made two accounts for ourselves and had password on them. One time we saw that the gear was misplaced and the PlayStation open, but no one played it. We realized that my brother came when we weren’t around and wanted to play, but he didn’t know the password and wasn’t able to play and went. I felt a little bad for him and thought if we didn’t put password on the accounts.                                                                     

I don't know if this is normal or if I am an overthinker. Maybe this is the reason why I am careful before doing something now. If this is a problem what are some tips to self-improve in this situation.

-----------------------

Feelings and emotions are necessary for learning and growth. The key is to extract the right lessons from them and then you can lay them to rest in a healthy way (i.e. establish resolution or closure). If a situation continues to plague you, it means you haven't learned the right lesson from it or haven't learned it well enough yet. Guilt is meant to teach you important lessons about how to make better moral decisions. The situations you described all had problematic moral elements to them. Have you learned the right moral lessons from your past?

That being said, there is another important point to address. One of the major development pitfalls for INFJs is excessive or irrational guilt. Usually, it is due to wildly unrealistic thinking (unhealthy Ni) and/or taking on far more moral responsibility than is reasonable for one person to shoulder (unhealthy Fe). When INFJs aren't able to make sense of their guilt, it is easy for them to fall into Ti loop, which might manifest as rumination or "overthinking". These errors in cognition can be addressed through function development, see past INFJ posts.

[drdemonprince]

I don't know who to ask about this and I'm too ashamed to ask in any auDHD support group, but how do I cope with RSD from my own incompetence?

I made friends in the crochet community and I've been learning crochet for three years. I'm glad for how far I've come but I can't ignore the fact that I've been talked down by my family due to my hobbies. Since I was a kid, every special interest that I have got shot down or ridiculed and I think because of that, I always have a bit of an unhealthy view of it.

Sometimes, I became competitive and when meeting new people who are more likable, more talented, more resourceful, or have more spoons to create, I wish I could be their friend too so hopefully, I could be like them. But then, I get RSD because of their lack of interest (because I already put a barrier between us) or because sometimes we're not on the same page regarding some things.

I became resentful every time I saw or meet them. I just can't shake the anxiety and irrational anger whenever I see even a glimpse of them online or offline. I can't stop projecting my insecurities onto them and even though I've tried to act nice and avoid any talk or conflict, I can't ignore them entirely since we're in the same circle. My friends like this person, and I know I look odd being the only one who stops talking or is void of emotion whenever we're in the same space.

I feel childish just asking this but I hope you know a way for me to cope with it.

I wrote in a piece a few months ago arguing that most of what gets called RSD is largely just pathologizing a really sensible reaction to repeated social rejection, and I think that holds here.

You are putting a LOT of pressure on yourself, on your own abilities as a crocheter, on every interaction that you have within the community, on individual people who symbolize a desired level of acceptance and recognition you imagine they have and that you don't, on the validatory meaning of small interactions, etc, and so it's no wonder you are bugging the fuck out so much! It's very hard to act normal and chill and take the weird comings and goings of socializing with other people naturally when there's so much weight hanging on every little interaction or cue

(including many completely unintentional or potentially misreadable cues -- it's hard to gauge how much a new/slightly unfamiliar person actually likes or dislikes you, sometimes, and when you've had a lifetime of bad experiences, it's easier to sensibly default to assuming any neutral or missing cue is a negative).

Unfortunately, in my experience the only ways to move past this kind of overthinking and stressing and putting a hindering amount of symbolic weight on small interactions is through lots of practice and building up distress tolerance... and by genuinely having positive or warm experiences enough times that it helps train your nervous system to not associate the activity or community with threat.

It's apt you're messaging me coming off furfest weekend; when I'm around plushy-suited smiling-faced fursuits, I actually feel happy and comfortable around people, because they all look so nice and unthreatening to me! And move so goofily and sweetly and are there for such an adorable reason! In reality, I could practice seeing all humans in this way, because those are humans under those fursuits and most humans are just as capable of being silly and playful as furries are, at least in the right context.

But I have Social Anxieties and so a neutral expression on an unknown person registers as either disapproval or threat, much the time, meaning I am more defensive and less friendly with other people as I move about the world, worsening my own social anxiety by denying me practice and positive experiences, etc. all of which is a long winded way of saying i feel you and i understand what it's like.

In my experience, when I *can't* just run off and surround myself with completely nonthreatening looking fursuiters as a means of disengaging my social anxiety, one way I can at least overcome the worst of it is by having a lot of really mundane interactions with people that are not focused on socializing or making friends (or scoring any kind of interpersonal "win") as their cause.

Having an external goal and focus that you share with others unites them with you and keeps you mutually distracted enough to not be distracted by constantly socially evaluating one another (or trying to guess at how the other person is evaluating you etc). So, join up with some people to organize an event in the crocheting community, edit some example patterns with someone, ask someone whose skills you respect for help with a project that's got you stuck, just generally find some way to share the act of directing attention toward some separate/third thing, and make it something noncompetitive or where you can experience the other person as affiliated with you.

What's great is that research shows working collaboratively on a task as equals is one of the greatest bias-busters for neurodivergent people! So if you have looming anxieties about people treating you weirdly because your neurodivergent or anything like that, aligning yourself with someone to take on a task or a project is more likely to make them like you in return, and you will eventually be able to notice and internalize some signs of that affection, hopefully.

Beyond that, I think you need to just keep going to events in the chrocheting space, contributing to them, approaching people and asking them about their work, asking for and receiving advice and help with your own, and just generally behaving cordially to everyone you bump up around in that world, even if you don't like some of them or have some anxieties surrounding how some of them see you. when we really fear the judgement of another person we feel strongly motivated to dive the fuck away from them, which does not lessen the anxiety in the longrun.

but if the person isn't downright hostile or abusive to us or anything like that, we can usually get a little bit more acclimated to being around them simply by ... being around them, but not prioritizing winning them over, just socializing with others and interacting with them neutrally / pleasantly enough when the situation naturally arises. some people in the community might not like you, or RSD might be sending you some misfires or both, but either way, you can keep showing up and focusing on the friendships and activities that have been paying off, and directing more energy there.

and you'll probably still feel like an overly analytical insecure wreck for a while as you do all of this!! that is okay. feeling better is not the first step to doing better/differently. you can enact the behaviors of being affiliative, pleasant, collaborative, and curious even when you're not absolutely feeling it.

if you have big red glaring instincts telling you a person is Bad to be around, dont ignore that, of course, but you can keep showing up and being a pleasant, active party in this community even when your brain is telling you that so and so not looking up from their project to say hi when you walked in the room is proof that they have always hated you. it isn't proof of that, most of the time, but youre not crazy for having those fears, i have intrusive thoughts like that all the time.

my mind looks all around for evidence ive fucked up in some terrible way that i need to fix, and ive had to make an intentional practice of dismissing those ideas when they come up, and choosing to treat interactions and lower stakes and more blase than they actually felt that they were... but eventually i just got so socially active and had so many interactions that were in fact low stakes and not a big deal that eventually my brain started sometimes believing it wasnt a think to worry so much about.

i hope some of that makes sense or has some applications to what you're working on. i'm sorry that your family has been so dismissive of your passions over the years. it sounds like youve found a rewarding hobby and some people you enjoy being around who also take part in it, and that even the worst enemies you have in the space at this point are not actively dicks, just passively disinterested, so you really do have a lot of raw social material to work with here and get more acclimated to with continued practice. but hey, it's been three years, it's honestly okay if there are some anxieties you always have, just dont let it keep you from getting out there and trying to approach people/engage in the hobby along with other people. sounds like youve been doing fine.

[chaoticpeachtea]

Letting go of my fears

The last full moon was an odd one to me. The days leading up to it my mind was filled with thoughts and feelings about my fears and blockages, and how they affect me. Oh, and how they have affected me!

Some of them are rooted in trauma (such as abandonment), others are irrational and learnt in childhood (like spiders and bugs). Whatever their origin may be, on bad days they are prevalent and very annoyingly in-your-face. They can be helpful as well - sometimes. Let’s look at arachnophobia, the fear of spiders. While utterly irrational in areas that don’t have any venomous ones, being aware of them can save your behind in others. This paranoia makes sure you’re aware of your surroundings and has (hopefully) taught you how to deal with a possible bite. Fears shouldn't control your life, however, or make you completely obsessed. But what if it does?  In my experience the fear of abandonment (autophobia) takes control of you so ridiculously easy. It’s constantly in your head, makes you question everything, any and every disagreement and argument is a sign of impending doom. If you lack confidence and security, it can even force you to change your behaviour and personality in favour of approval and affection from another person. In all of that clinginess you lose yourself.  The past year taught me a lot about myself and how my brain works. My ADHD was identified so very late and I had plenty of catching up to do. During this soul searching and research I recognised how it works with my fears. The overthinking is not helpful at all, and I’ve hyper focused on my fears during depressive episodes. It scared the crap out of me to see me tearing myself apart and thinking such horrible things. Clinging so hard on any and every positive word, desperately trying to keep it alive in fear of losing them. Abusing myself and accusing my friends and family of untrue things in my head. I don't want to do this ever again. Never again do I want to hand control over to fear and doubt. With the help of therapy and tons of self reflection I am doing better now. I’ve observed the patterns occurring in my brain, the triggers of certain feelings and thoughts, and closely watched the way my brain comes to conclusions. Then, bit by bit, I adjusted and learned. I regained consciousness, independence and confidence. I started to believe in myself and my strength again. So here we are, shortly after this magical, warm and illuminating full moon. I declared to myself and the universe that I am done being afraid, that I’m letting go of my past, that I’m stepping through the fire and am leaving my bubble. I know I am more than that. I believe in myself and the path I’ve chosen. Farewell and goodbye, my now old fears and harmful patterns. May you remain in my past. Hello and welcome, change. May you continue help me grow and heal.

[steviescrystals]

stream of consciousness rant bc i’ve been having one of the worst weeks of my life <3 feel free to ignore if you don’t care i just need to get my thoughts out

for context if you haven’t seen my other sad rambling posts recently, i got laid off from a job i loved this week and was given zero explanation as to why (and was specifically told i did nothing wrong). word of advice from someone who gets attached to things very easily: please don’t ever make a job your entire life, especially if you are young like me and you don’t plan on turning it into a long-term career. i made the mistake of letting a huge part of my identity and self-worth get tied up in this job, and now that i’ve lost it, i’m pretty much spiraling. onto the rant!

the cool thing about something bad happening when you have a paranoid personality is that on top of all the typical feelings this bad thing would cause for a normal person, it also just reinforces your paranoia. like, just when you think you’re becoming more self-aware and getting better at realizing when your fears are irrational, this bad thing you’ve been worrying about actually happens, and it fucks you up. because there you were thinking “i’m scared this is going to happen, but logically i know i have no reason to think that, it’s just my brain telling me to freak out when i don’t have to” and then it turns out you were right to be scared. and every fucking time (for me, at least) it leads you down this path of “well i was right about this thing, so clearly my fears ARE justified and these things i’m always freaking out about ARE likely to happen” and the stress and anxiety just gets so much worse. i spent so much time telling myself i was being irrational and had nothing to worry about (and everyone around me told me the same thing) and yet it happened anyway. i have a friend who once told me i spend too much time overthinking and dwelling on the negatives, and consequently i manifest bad things happening to me / manifest myself being miserable (side note: maybe not a constructive thing to say to someone with depression and anxiety, i know she meant well but this did very much hurt my feelings at the time). so now i feel like i’m just questioning everything so much and wondering if i somehow brought this on myself simply because i spent so much time worrying about it. but at the same time, how am i supposed to stop that when it was never intentional in the first place? everyone’s always saying you have to change your mindset, but i don’t know how to control these thoughts. i thought i was doing all i could by telling myself when these thoughts came up that i wasn’t thinking logically, but clearly it wasn’t enough because the thoughts kept coming and the bad thing happened and now i don’t know what to do or how to move forward. i feel like i’m second-guessing everything in my life and my already not-great mental state has taken a massive hit in the space of two days. i don’t really know what point i’m trying to get across here or if anyone will even read this, but i’ve just felt like i’m drowning in my thoughts and i don’t want to put all of this on anyone i know irl, but i had to get it out of my brain. if you did read this far and you related to this mess of a post in any way or have any advice, please let me know. i’d really just like to not feel so alone in this right now :)

[fairyhaos]

the only thing people can trick me abt is thinking that narwhals aren't real. (i thought they didn't exist until 2021) you didn't trick me into thinking that you're cool </3 even if i can't rememvber how i first exactly encountered your acc??

but i vividly remember going through your whole masterlist within a night, and the only thing sticking to memory being "manages to convince himself that illness isn’t real and humans made up the concept of sickness and in fact, he is actually God." (from svt and being sick, woozi) i strive to have that kind of mindset /j

and since then, idk if it's like. weird to say but you're one of the many ppl that's inspired me to make my acc 🫡🫡 and idk how i hadn't ever interacted before, i have this irrational overthinking habit whenever i even think of talking to people who i look up to (literally and figuratively). you're just great tbh </3

to semi-awkwardly transition from that. how has your day been so far since you woke up? :3

; 🌙

aww thank you haha ig maybe i am a little bit cool 😎

honestly i have a soft spot for the entirety of my "svt and" series and that one too!! i seriously used to be so funny wow. also you went through the entirety of my masterlist in one night? the dedication haha and you know what, that's an incredible mindset to have and everyone should follow your example actually

aww no that makes me really touched to hear :(( im honoured that i inspired you to make an acc too!! you and me both with the overthinking thing tho, im actually horrible at maintaining connection w people

(shoutout to my moots for keeping the connection for me lmao)

not you coming here to compliment me tho oml i feel so loved this is so jfhshfhhd ive been doing pretty good ngl ^^ nothing much is happening this morning so everything is pretty chill!

[colorfuldream]

Hey guys if there's any creator on here that may weight in on this vent it would be nice

So I have those stories. Premises are pretty generic dystopian stuff. Obviously there's going to be stories that are similar right? Well there's one, that some people I vaguely know have mentioned. I check it out because they praise it. I hate it for (very valid IMO) reasons. It goes against what what I want to write is about. So no problem right? No. There's a few things that are TOO close for my comfort. But it's stuff I CANNOT change. So me, in my entire mentally ill glory, get scared that when I finally do them I'll get compared to it and be called a copycat.

No harm though, I can just ignore these IF it ever happens yeah? The problem is that I, as an artist, am not good enough yet. Let's be honest I'm barely mid, especially with digital. So in my mind, it won't just be me being unoriginal and stealing stuff, it will be me doing a shit job at it.

Now, luckily, it's a story with a small following. No mass comments about it, no cancelling for being a dirty thief possible. It's even on smaller platforms!

But. There's always a but. The author didn't stop there, (and good for them!) they got picked up by a bigger platform for another story. Still, different audiences, different languages. The new story isn't what bothers me though. It's the fact that the English platform picked it up recently. So now they have an international audience! Good for them! I don't like their stuff but that's a great achievement!

Still part of me is upset and scared. That means they will now be more noticed. They might grow a bigger fanbase through this and, of course, they will check their other works. So That One Story may get more popular. And my (irrational) fears kick back in. I know it's petty and dumb. I never even really shared what I wanted to do anywhere, except maybe here in some tags, so my brain interprets that as a bad look. Like yeah no proof that it was planned even when I never knew of its existence. I'm going into overthinking mode. I thought I maybe had time to hone my skills and begin sharing it, maybe even build a small audience and get a person or two to know about it. Kind of a "well if they get picked up, at least I have some time to build my own foundation and I will be able to withstand comments". But now, I don't. And I don't have skills or the time to begin now. My mind is screaming that time has run out or that it will so I MUST either give up or do it. But my plans include that specific part of the story to arrive later. Later is too late though. I need the set-up, the practice! Yet it yells I don't have time. If I don't push it fast, I'll have to give it up. I need to get ahead and try to lessen the damage, build something before the other person gets more known and everything is ruined.

It's stupid, it truly is. There's no guarantee they will get that big. Well, I do wish for them they will, but you get the gist. There's no guarantee my stuff would ever be noticed or known either. There's no guarantee my daydreams will become real, good or bad. No one but me may ever make a connection, no one but me would think lesser of me for it, no one but me would dislike it.

Yet my mind is screaming, my heart is hurting. It feels like my dreams have been shattered, snatched away before I could even try. I'm angry. I'm sad. I have no idea what the Hell is going on.

[escape-rock-bottom]

Journal Entry #12 - Fearing the Beneficial (Discomfort Challenge Journal)

You wanna know what I think is silly? The fact that we often fear things that can be beneficial to us. Things such as success, money, relationships, being alone (different from loneliness), ambitious goals and dreams, happiness, et cetera et cetera. Writing that out and reading it back, they all seem pretty counterintuitive. These are all things people desire, right?

Well, it seems that the things we want to succeed in most tend to be the things we fear the most. Frankly I think it’s down to the fear of the unknown and the fear of change, and if you’ve never gotten comfortable with those things it makes sense to avoid it. Humans don’t usually like to be uncomfortable. It’s a survival mechanism.

So, what does someone do if they put down “socialize more and make new friends” as a goal, but avoid achieving the goal they desire? My solution: Get over it. Let me explain. 

As part of one of my discomfort challenges, I wanted to face my fear of social gatherings. I am a very sociable guy, I actually greatly enjoy talking to and meeting new people. For some odd reason, my fear of rejection stops me from pursuing the very thing that I want. The easiest method? Make myself go to the gathering. Just do it and get over it by proving to myself it wasn’t as big of a deal as my mind was making it out to be.

My original plan was to go find some sort of group based event surrounding one of my hobbies or interests. However, one of my old friends was having a party and I said yes before letting myself overthink it. Luckily, it was on one of the days I had off of school so that worked out. The thing about parties is I tend to get pretty socially anxious about them - Especially if there’s plenty of strangers.

As expected, my feelings going in were a mixture of excitement and anxiety. “This will be fun!” then all of a sudden, “What if it’s awkward as hell and I end up just sitting in a corner feeling all pointless and bored? What if people find me odd or weird or uninteresting?” General self-deprecating social anxiety stuff, basically. I arrived early mainly to help set things up, and was promptly introduced to some strangers my friend knew.

My response was simple: A “Hi, I’m Eissac.” with a wave and a bit of a smile. Not exactly the “I want to be here” greeting. I did come around eventually though, and ended up relaxing after starting a few conversations with some of the strangers (who oddly enough, were the guys I stuck around chatting with most in the party) then just allowed myself to be more myself while playing a game.

It was insanely fun, actually. It would have been stupid of me to decline something I would enjoy simply because of some irrational negative thoughts and fears. It would have been sad to miss out on the social opportunity I was looking for. 

Realistically, a lot of the things we become anxious and scared of are irrational. The situation itself often turns out nothing like the big bad wolf of a scenario you conjured up in your mind. Saying yes and going for it regardless of your “what ifs” and “maybe laters” proves one thing: The thing you feared isn’t even that scary.

That’s what courage is. Facing your fears head on while still being afraid of them. Having courage opens quite a few doors, and you just may stop fearing or worrying about the thing all together with enough practice. 

I think I might try going out more often, even though it still kinda scares me. You probably should try it too, honestly.

[barbie-gurls-world]

28 April 2018

the thing with depression is, even if i knew about it, i didn’t really realize that i had it, until my symptoms significantly worsened, to the point that activities at home and work were affected. here, i’m writing the symptoms i experienced--i only knew that these were related with my depression after reflection... 

>> i was afraid of being left alone at home. when i slept alone in the room, i would switch on all the lights for fear of “something bad” happening in the dark, with no one else present in the room. most of the time i couldn’t even identify what “something bad” was. the time my sister was hospitalized, i was afraid of sleeping in the dark because “death might visit her”. the thought was irrational, but the fear and anxiety were great. 

>> most times i’m socially awkward. i kept overthinking about interactions with people. How will they respond to me? There was a time my heart was beating so loudly while I was presenting our team’s research plans because “big time” colleagues were present.

>> i was (am) irritable. It’s so easy to get into my nerves. There are times when my response seems “normal” to me, but people had the impression that my reactions were exaggerated to “scary” levels (like, i feel my voice is loud, but people hear me “shouting”?!)

>> I’d over-plan commutes to new places.

>> the brain fog, the brain itch, how I’d find it difficult to process and put things together in my head, how it was difficult to recall even the most mundane things.

[azenta]

How do you cancel being a head core. Pls.

[phir-milenge]

everytime i’ve shared my most vulnerable moments with someone, they have brushed me off. i have been dying to tell my friends what it feels like to be connected with my grandparents whom i’ve met for the first time in my life, but i can’t summon the courage, i’m afraid, what if they think i’m being a baby about this stuff? what if they brush me off again, what if they think i’m seeking attention. it’s not like my closest circle won’t understand, they will 99.9%, but that, that 0.1% makes me scared.

[archive-assassin681]

for the time being,  ( ie.  until xkit makes a patch for this new dashboard )   i will do what i can to format and edit my posts but if i am unable to cut them down,  please feel free to cut it down for me !    i want to write and while aesthetics are important to me,   the more i worry about how others perceive me with this update the less i want to be around and so this is my way around it until things get sorted out.

[avaleon]

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