#am i being irrational here am i overthinking
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#okay I'm gonna get a bit personal here lmao#so i used to have a childhood best friend whom I've known basically since he was born lmao (he's 4 years younger)#he's always been like a little brother to me and we used to be inseparable until like 11 years ago#and then the friendship stopped sooo abruptly basically from one day to another#and i literally have no idea to this day why#i mean idk at that point those 4 years were a BIG gap me being 15 and him 11#but I'm not sure if that was it or if his parents didn't like it or some completely different reason#we're actually neighbors and it's crazy to me that we haven't had any in person interaction since then#we say hello if we see each other and wish each other a happy birthday online but that's it#and today me and my dad went over to the neighbors because..#(well I'm not gonna elaborate here because there was some police action in the neighborhood and i felt like i was in an action movie#and that's what brought the neighbors together whatever it's a long story)#and he was there and i realized i miss him lmao#i mean I've always missed him i never stopped missing our friendship#and i really really wanna reach out and say “hey you wanna grab coffee some time?” and just catch up#but I'm scared lol#like what if he says no#what if he doesn't wanna do anything with me#idk the rejection would feel awful a second time#am i being irrational here am i overthinking#maaaan idk#i never share anything too personal here so this feels weird lol#personal
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help girl i got too silly <\3 (overthought every interaction ever)
#im okay i think#(lying)#hoooh boy#ill be alr but girl (/gnc) what the fuck is this#nahh i could’ve had a NORMAL FUNCTIONING brain but yknow what i got instead ?#a sentient lump of meat. that likes to imagine scenarios that will *never* happen and form ideas of what people think of it#even if like. yknow. ITS IRRATIONAL AS FUCK AND LIKELY WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING#see. if i was a house cat i wouldnt have to worry bout this shit . just be kitty. lick paw. take nap. eat. in whatever order i desire.#oh and be silly and cute.#‘’embarrassing myself in front of a customer? overthinking what a coworker said?’’#‘’eeerm. oh? you wanted to carry on about your day?’’#‘’too bad. here’s the underlying feeling of dread for the next few hours. have fun!’’#I HATE BEING SENTIENT RAHHH RAHHH#I COULD HAVE BEEN A LITTLE GUY DOING LITTLE THINGS. WHAT IS THIS!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!#i know i should be a big guy and act like it. but sometimes you gotta like. be a little insane.#okay anyways anxiety rant over. if for some reason you read my rant while i was Probably loosing my mind um.#1. i am sooo sorry you had to witness my illposting#2. i give you a little smooch (/p) for sticking with me . I bite you . (/pos)#kazzy complains#me when im cringe on main
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Spiral
A/n: This is part 2 of One Too Many. One day I'll figure out how to make a masterlist and organize things.
Paring: Spencer and Reader tags/warnings: anxiety attack. spiraling reader. doubting. Overthinking. caring Spencer Reid. extremely irrational thinking. Like totally makes no sense. Good girl is used. Mention of childhood traurma. Synopsis: you tell your mom that your not applying to that job and she gets in your head. Spencer calms you down
You had been feeling better since Spencer helped you the other day. However you went to visit your mom and she asked you if you were applying to the job and you told her no.
The look on her face, made you feel guilty, even though you had nothing to feel guilty about. You told her that you had things lined up and she she reminded you that you didn't apply to any festival that overlapped.
You told her that you applied to others once you found out that you didn't get into the one festival that was hiring. She was letting up and get trying to get you to apply.
She was still unware that you were working on two more applications and you weren't going to tell her.
On your way home, you started to think about everything. How you promised yourself you were going to apply to anything. That you really didn't want this and you knew they weren't going to take you.
That being said, what if you didn't apply to this, maybe it would start some weird cosmic shift and by not applying to this, then the other opportunities wouldn't happen.
You knew that this made no sense at all. That it was irrational thinking, but once the spiral started, you couldn't get out of it.
You entered the apartment, not really paying attention. You dropped your bag and threw your coat on the chair, toeing off your shoes. Spencer called your name, but you didn't hear him.
You made your way to the shared bedroom and grabbed your laptop. You turned and jumped a little bit when your boyfriend was standing there.
"Love, what's going on?" he asked, taking you in.
He furrowed his brow when he saw the despondent look in your eyes. It was like you were looking right through him. He sighed and cupped your face, thumbs rubbing your temples. Your eyes couldn't focus.
"Angel" he cooed, trying to get your attention. "Eyes on me. Look at me, love." your eyes kept shifting around, you let out a small whine. "Can you hear me?" his voice was steady, but he was trying not to sound panicked.
"Mmm" you got out, trying to nod.
"Good. That's good. Can you look at me please?"
Your eyes met his for a second and then darted around again. You gripped tight to your laptop, not wanting to let it go. What was he asking? Oh, right.
You locked eyes with him again, seeing brown eyes softly looking at you. You closed your eyes and tried to focus on his thumbs now massaging your temples.
"Good girl" he spoke quietly, when he felt you relax a bit. "Let's put the laptop down, yeah?" and you nodded, eyes still closed.
With one hand Spencer took your computer and placed it back on the desk. You still kept your arms tight to you, as if you were still holding it.
Spencer firmly wrapped his hands around your wrists. Not tugging your arms, but hoped the pressure would help you let go of the tension. You squeezed your eyes tight. Spencer rested his forehead agaisnt yours.
"You're safe." he spoke.
You opened your eyes, looking down, too embarrassed to look at him. He watched as your shoulders dropped. He reached a hand up and cupped your cheek stroking his thumb against it.
"I spiraled" you whispered.
"Can you tell me why?"
"Well-"
"Are you able to look at me while you do so?" He noticed your lip quiver. "Angel, you don't need to feel ashamed or embarrassed about what just happened. I am here for you. I would never judge."
"Ca-can I not look at you while I tell you?"
"okay, sweetheart"
Spencer listened as you told him everything. He knew that the guilt, was part of a childhood trauma and how ld sometimes your mom would say "If you do this, then I will give you this" So, he could see why this was hard.
"Thank you for telling me that. You still have time to apply, should you choose to do it. However, right now I'm going to help you change into your comfy sweats and I'm going to hold you."
"Thank you" you said barely audible.
"Always."
Spencer lead you over to your bed and undid your jeans and pulled your top off, before helping you out of your pants. He helped you into your sweatpants and grabbed one of his shirts for you to wear.
He turned the heating blanket on and had you crawl under. He then changed into his comfy clothes and got under the covers pulling you tight.
Your head rested on his chest and he rubbed your back. You felt warm, safe and loved.
#criminal minds#dr. spencer reid#spencer reid x you#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid fluff#spencer reid comfort#caring spencer reid#soft spencer reid#gentle spencer Reid
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One Day at a Time
Yoongi loves to help others. As a professional surrogate, he takes pride in using his body to help families bring life into this world, and love into their homes. But when his high school crush Kim Namjoon hires Yoongi to help him and his wife conceive, things get...precarious.
Or, Omega Yoongi gets bred by Alpha Namjoon and holy shit, does he fall in love.
🐺 Yoongi x Namjoon, established Namjoon x Wheein
🌙 word count: 39.4k
🌙 past acquaintances to lovers, a/b/o, mpreg, infidelity, angst, smut, eventual fluff, slash, nsfw, 21+
🌙 warnings: alpha/top Namjoon, omega/bottom Yoongi; Namjoon is married, and he has a big dick; Yoongi is a mess, and he cries a lot; a/b/o stuff (mating cycles, lots of scent stuff, wolf instincts, marking - there will be blood, omega slick), angst (hormones raging, pining, emotional infidelity, infidelity, hurt/comfort), smut (ritualistic sex, ass to mouth, anal sex, multiple orgasms, overstimulation, extremely painful knotting, pregnant sex, begging, praising, possessiveness), confessions, falling in love, "happy ending."
🌙 note: hello, and welcome to my very first a/b/o fic! this is going to be a more modern take on some a/b/o lore and ideas. i did so much research and asked friends who are better versed with the lore and tropes (thank you @sailoryooons and @sweetestofchaos, i love you to the moon and back!!!), and i am really pleased with what has come of this. i never thought i would write a pregnancy fic, but here i am. the power of namgi and infidelity compels me. that being said, infidelity is a big part of this fic, so if you're not into that, you will not like this!!! this has all the build up and tension and very intense smut that one might come to expect from one of my fics, so buckle up and take the warnings seriously. 🌙 Yoongi deals with a lot of mood swings with his heat cycle, so if he seems completely irrational at times, it is because he is. and oh boyyyy, does he cry a lot. A LOT. idk how to describe Yoongi's genitalia situation. he has a dick but also … idk ... would his butt be a cloaca??? best not to overthink it. sometimes it is referred to as a cunt. hehehe. Wheein in this fic is very real housewives and i love/hate her.
🌙 written for one shot two shot fest
🌙 thanks to @neoneunnajimin & @sailoryooons for beta reading!
🌙 posted july 2023 | read on ao3 (link coming soon!)

INDEX:
1: I finally get to have you | 19.9k words
2: It feels right; I don't care if it's wrong | 19.3k words

tags: @codeinebelle @dasexydevitt13 @giriiboyy @mgthecat @moonleeai @m1sss1mp @spookyminyunki @sumzysworld @yoongoboongo0🌙 comment or dm to be added to the tag list!
One Day at a Time is copyright 2023 theharrowing, all rights reserved. no translations or reposts allowed!
#namgi a/b/o#namgi smut#namjoon smut#yoongi smut#alpha namjoon#omega yoongi#bts a/b/o#bts smut#bts angst#fic: one day at a time
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pbpbpbp
woke up and almost immediately started having a hard time woke up tired already with a lot of spinal pain and Overthinking and it kind of hurts to realize i am ending this year a bit worse than how i started both physically and like. As a Person. i'm not who i want to be, i was getting closer to how i wanted to be, but then it sort of all took a nose dive and i feel like a mostly unpleasant person on the general whole instead of a more welcoming presence. maybe that's me in my head, but i really do feel i've become more negative and gripy and whiny which is ironic because here i am griping and whining about it also Once Again reflecting on how little was accomplished this year. i feel bordering on absolutely nothing. i'm just really tired of being tired. tired of being in pain too. :[ i'm tired of having so many things i want to do and my chronic fatigue and chronic pain and failing health all taking up so much brain space i can't bring myself to focus enough to do anything else. i'm neglecting myself in some ways, i think. or, i know. but i've been trying really hard in others, like trying to eat better and be more physically active. but my body is still continuing to degrade to where i'm not sure how long i can continue to be active at all wish i had an answer for any of it but every time i think about how i haven't gotten an answer yet i think about how my dad was ignored and neglected by doctors until he ended up so far on death's door that he couldn't be brought back around, and only near the end did he finally get a diagnosis, and then i kind of spiral a bit which, i forgot i have an ongoing c***** scare [censored for my own sake, thinking about the word in relation to myself freaks me out so badly and there's this irrational fear that saying it directly will make it real] hanging over my head too which is not something to think about if i want my day to improve but here we are
#some health talk as a warning#negative#also as a warning#just going through it a bit this morning but i'll be fine#No Choice otherwise
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omg what a fun ask game… for xan!!! my friend xan…. 💥🍧💐🍁✏️🌠. sorry for so many i just like him 😭
Heehee I'm happy to talk about him ^.^ I'm glad you like him so much...! :~)
💥 COLLISON - what emotions do they have trouble dealing with?
I've mentioned before that Xan struggles with feelings of guilt and insecurity... unfortunately for him, these emotions get twisted together and shape into anger! Unlike his brother who turns his anger into actions, Xan's anger tends to stop him in his tracks. He overthinks things and reacts a bit immaturely, and his own immaturity just makes him feel even worse 😔 unfortunately he tends to take the mental leap from "I am experiencing an irrational emotion" to "therefore I must be a bad person" and it makes it difficult for him to process these emotions properly.
🍧 SHAVED ICE - do they still have any objects from their childhood? what significance does it have to them? what would their reaction be if they lost it?
Not "from his childhood" in the traditional sense, but the jewelry he wears used to belong to his mother, and she'd worn it for as long as he can remember. As you can imagine he has a pretty significant attachment to his jewelry due to this, and keeps it in pretty good shape despite being very, very aged at this point in time. If he lost even a single piece he'd be inconsolable 💔
💐 BOUQUET - create a bouqet for them! what do those flowers mean? are any of the flowers their particular favourite?
I've actually thought of this kinda thing recently ^.^ using the flower meanings listed here. For a bouquet: - Scabiosa (unfortunate attachments) - Hyacinth (purple) (Forgiveness and sorrow) - Star of Bethlehem (Hope and reconciliation) - Magnolia (Nobility) A flower that I associate with him but I wouldn't put in the bouquet is spiderlily, due to its association with both death and clinginess. As for his favourites I could see him liking snapdragons quite a bit...!
🍁 MAPLE LEAF - what is their favourite season? why?
I think he's rather fond of Autumn! I think he enjoys watching the world around him change, and how it's a bit different every time despite how long he's lived and how many times he's seen it. I also think he appreciates that it isn't Hot anymore, but also isn't too cold yet either (he has a naturally low body temperature so winter is NOT for him)
✏️ PENCIL - is there a particular quote / lyric that you associate with them?
"Inhuman one, your strength will destroy you" from Caroline Alexander's translation of The Iliad !
🌠 SHOOTING STAR - if they could make any wish with no repercussions, what wish would they make?
This is a hard one... I can see him wishing for different things at different points in times. At some point he might've wished to become king, though he would also feel frustrated that it didn't happen based on his own merits alone. At another point he would've probably wished for an end to his immortality / deathlessness. Nowadays... I think he would refuse such an offer! I think that he is determined to build a future for himself with his own two hands.
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Anon wrote: Hello, I came across this page and I very much enjoy it and love it here.
I will keep it short. I just want to share this little problem of mine. First of all, I am a 19 old INFJ (not very sure about it but its for another post). I am an overthinker, who worries about the smallest things. ‘What will this person think if I do this’ ‘what will this person feel if I said that’, so I am very cautious and careful about my actions and think a lot before doing anything. I have just come to realize that I feel guilty even about the smallest things, even for things that happened a long time ago, I just remember them and I feel a tinge of sadness thinking about them. I will share some of them here.
I remember somewhere in primary school between grade 1 to 3, I had an assignment to make skeletons from paper and pins. My mother did the assignment for me, and I think that she took time and effort to make it. Once I presented it and was done, I had this urge to destroy it and I acted on my impulse. Immediately after I felt really bad. I knew that it was going to be thrown nevertheless, but being destroyed like that I felt I was undermining my mother’s effort and it was not the best feelings, I know it is a bit dramatic but I was little at that time.
Another incident, a long time ago too, my sister drew a girl and then out of fun I drew ribs on the girl, like she was skeleton then I felt bad and said why did I do that. Although my sister didn’t mind it much.
Again, when I was around 9, my sister and I wanted to watch Frozen (separately), and we searched the net to find a website to watch, she searched in her iPad and I gave mine to our father to search for me. After a long time, my father came to me excited that he found and downloaded the movie for me but not in English in our mother language and I complained that I wanted it in English, then my sister said that she found a website in English, and I decided to watch with her. I felt really bad because my father wanted to find me something, but I didn’t take what he gave me. This incident really makes me feel bad till now when I think about it haha.
This is trivial and doesn’t involve me, but I felt a little bad. We bought a PlayStation and me and my sister made two accounts for ourselves and had password on them. One time we saw that the gear was misplaced and the PlayStation open, but no one played it. We realized that my brother came when we weren’t around and wanted to play, but he didn’t know the password and wasn’t able to play and went. I felt a little bad for him and thought if we didn’t put password on the accounts.
I don't know if this is normal or if I am an overthinker. Maybe this is the reason why I am careful before doing something now. If this is a problem what are some tips to self-improve in this situation.
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Feelings and emotions are necessary for learning and growth. The key is to extract the right lessons from them and then you can lay them to rest in a healthy way (i.e. establish resolution or closure). If a situation continues to plague you, it means you haven't learned the right lesson from it or haven't learned it well enough yet. Guilt is meant to teach you important lessons about how to make better moral decisions. The situations you described all had problematic moral elements to them. Have you learned the right moral lessons from your past?
That being said, there is another important point to address. One of the major development pitfalls for INFJs is excessive or irrational guilt. Usually, it is due to wildly unrealistic thinking (unhealthy Ni) and/or taking on far more moral responsibility than is reasonable for one person to shoulder (unhealthy Fe). When INFJs aren't able to make sense of their guilt, it is easy for them to fall into Ti loop, which might manifest as rumination or "overthinking". These errors in cognition can be addressed through function development, see past INFJ posts.
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Letting go of my fears
The last full moon was an odd one to me. The days leading up to it my mind was filled with thoughts and feelings about my fears and blockages, and how they affect me. Oh, and how they have affected me!
Some of them are rooted in trauma (such as abandonment), others are irrational and learnt in childhood (like spiders and bugs). Whatever their origin may be, on bad days they are prevalent and very annoyingly in-your-face. They can be helpful as well - sometimes. Let’s look at arachnophobia, the fear of spiders. While utterly irrational in areas that don’t have any venomous ones, being aware of them can save your behind in others. This paranoia makes sure you’re aware of your surroundings and has (hopefully) taught you how to deal with a possible bite. Fears shouldn't control your life, however, or make you completely obsessed. But what if it does? In my experience the fear of abandonment (autophobia) takes control of you so ridiculously easy. It’s constantly in your head, makes you question everything, any and every disagreement and argument is a sign of impending doom. If you lack confidence and security, it can even force you to change your behaviour and personality in favour of approval and affection from another person. In all of that clinginess you lose yourself. The past year taught me a lot about myself and how my brain works. My ADHD was identified so very late and I had plenty of catching up to do. During this soul searching and research I recognised how it works with my fears. The overthinking is not helpful at all, and I’ve hyper focused on my fears during depressive episodes. It scared the crap out of me to see me tearing myself apart and thinking such horrible things. Clinging so hard on any and every positive word, desperately trying to keep it alive in fear of losing them. Abusing myself and accusing my friends and family of untrue things in my head. I don't want to do this ever again. Never again do I want to hand control over to fear and doubt. With the help of therapy and tons of self reflection I am doing better now. I’ve observed the patterns occurring in my brain, the triggers of certain feelings and thoughts, and closely watched the way my brain comes to conclusions. Then, bit by bit, I adjusted and learned. I regained consciousness, independence and confidence. I started to believe in myself and my strength again. So here we are, shortly after this magical, warm and illuminating full moon. I declared to myself and the universe that I am done being afraid, that I’m letting go of my past, that I’m stepping through the fire and am leaving my bubble. I know I am more than that. I believe in myself and the path I’ve chosen. Farewell and goodbye, my now old fears and harmful patterns. May you remain in my past. Hello and welcome, change. May you continue help me grow and heal.
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stream of consciousness rant bc i’ve been having one of the worst weeks of my life <3 feel free to ignore if you don’t care i just need to get my thoughts out
for context if you haven’t seen my other sad rambling posts recently, i got laid off from a job i loved this week and was given zero explanation as to why (and was specifically told i did nothing wrong). word of advice from someone who gets attached to things very easily: please don’t ever make a job your entire life, especially if you are young like me and you don’t plan on turning it into a long-term career. i made the mistake of letting a huge part of my identity and self-worth get tied up in this job, and now that i’ve lost it, i’m pretty much spiraling. onto the rant!
the cool thing about something bad happening when you have a paranoid personality is that on top of all the typical feelings this bad thing would cause for a normal person, it also just reinforces your paranoia. like, just when you think you’re becoming more self-aware and getting better at realizing when your fears are irrational, this bad thing you’ve been worrying about actually happens, and it fucks you up. because there you were thinking “i’m scared this is going to happen, but logically i know i have no reason to think that, it’s just my brain telling me to freak out when i don’t have to” and then it turns out you were right to be scared. and every fucking time (for me, at least) it leads you down this path of “well i was right about this thing, so clearly my fears ARE justified and these things i’m always freaking out about ARE likely to happen” and the stress and anxiety just gets so much worse. i spent so much time telling myself i was being irrational and had nothing to worry about (and everyone around me told me the same thing) and yet it happened anyway. i have a friend who once told me i spend too much time overthinking and dwelling on the negatives, and consequently i manifest bad things happening to me / manifest myself being miserable (side note: maybe not a constructive thing to say to someone with depression and anxiety, i know she meant well but this did very much hurt my feelings at the time). so now i feel like i’m just questioning everything so much and wondering if i somehow brought this on myself simply because i spent so much time worrying about it. but at the same time, how am i supposed to stop that when it was never intentional in the first place? everyone’s always saying you have to change your mindset, but i don’t know how to control these thoughts. i thought i was doing all i could by telling myself when these thoughts came up that i wasn’t thinking logically, but clearly it wasn’t enough because the thoughts kept coming and the bad thing happened and now i don’t know what to do or how to move forward. i feel like i’m second-guessing everything in my life and my already not-great mental state has taken a massive hit in the space of two days. i don’t really know what point i’m trying to get across here or if anyone will even read this, but i’ve just felt like i’m drowning in my thoughts and i don’t want to put all of this on anyone i know irl, but i had to get it out of my brain. if you did read this far and you related to this mess of a post in any way or have any advice, please let me know. i’d really just like to not feel so alone in this right now :)
#said this at the beginning but i’ll say it again: DO NOT let your job become your identity#i know on some level it was just a job and i was never planning to stay there forever#but at the moment this is absolutely devastating and i feel like my life is ruined#bc i put way too much of myself into a company that turned out to not appreciate or care about me at all#please learn from me bc i would not wish this feeling on anyone#vent#lj.txt
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the only thing people can trick me abt is thinking that narwhals aren't real. (i thought they didn't exist until 2021) you didn't trick me into thinking that you're cool </3 even if i can't rememvber how i first exactly encountered your acc??
but i vividly remember going through your whole masterlist within a night, and the only thing sticking to memory being "manages to convince himself that illness isn’t real and humans made up the concept of sickness and in fact, he is actually God." (from svt and being sick, woozi) i strive to have that kind of mindset /j
and since then, idk if it's like. weird to say but you're one of the many ppl that's inspired me to make my acc 🫡🫡 and idk how i hadn't ever interacted before, i have this irrational overthinking habit whenever i even think of talking to people who i look up to (literally and figuratively). you're just great tbh </3
to semi-awkwardly transition from that. how has your day been so far since you woke up? :3
; 🌙
aww thank you haha ig maybe i am a little bit cool 😎
honestly i have a soft spot for the entirety of my "svt and" series and that one too!! i seriously used to be so funny wow. also you went through the entirety of my masterlist in one night? the dedication haha and you know what, that's an incredible mindset to have and everyone should follow your example actually
aww no that makes me really touched to hear :(( im honoured that i inspired you to make an acc too!! you and me both with the overthinking thing tho, im actually horrible at maintaining connection w people
(shoutout to my moots for keeping the connection for me lmao)
not you coming here to compliment me tho oml i feel so loved this is so jfhshfhhd ive been doing pretty good ngl ^^ nothing much is happening this morning so everything is pretty chill!
#fairyhaos.answers#ask#🌙.anon <3#idk why this answer ended up being so long lmao#anon ask#lovely anon <3#sidenote people quoting my work back to me makes me the happiest idky but just#knowing that people remember writing that much is so :((((
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How do you cancel being a head core. Pls.
#i hate overthinking over asinine stuffs. i know it is dumb. i know it is irrational#but wounded child me doesnt get it#and wouded child me is what makes me a stupid 5w6 core#i knooow i need to learn to actually trust MYSELF; that i can act for myself and protect me from harm#but truth is welp. i know i am flaky when it comes to actually act for myself#so uhh. here i am overthinking and 'anxieting' over A BASIC FUCKING CONVERSATION.#just because basic conversations stress me overall since i cant Assert Dominance Through My Impeccable Expertise.#i cant believe i feel vulnerable to talk about basic shit. my brain keeps amazing me for the worst 🙃#triple competency is So Fucking Cursed. i Hate It. 0/10 do not recommend being me. big brain thoughts is not worth it#rant#also in a love-hate relationship with my 3w4 fix. and the 1w9 is to be blamed about this self criticising rants#this tritype is a mess
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everytime i’ve shared my most vulnerable moments with someone, they have brushed me off. i have been dying to tell my friends what it feels like to be connected with my grandparents whom i’ve met for the first time in my life, but i can’t summon the courage, i’m afraid, what if they think i’m being a baby about this stuff? what if they brush me off again, what if they think i’m seeking attention. it’s not like my closest circle won’t understand, they will 99.9%, but that, that 0.1% makes me scared.
#here we go again#overthinking#again#for the 100th time already#being irrational over rational#can i just fall in love already#oh wait lol final exams are in 2 weeks#hrsferioref i should study#i am talking
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for the time being, ( ie. until xkit makes a patch for this new dashboard ) i will do what i can to format and edit my posts but if i am unable to cut them down, please feel free to cut it down for me ! i want to write and while aesthetics are important to me, the more i worry about how others perceive me with this update the less i want to be around and so this is my way around it until things get sorted out.
#00. a caffeinated queen ‚ ooc.#thank u for being patient#i don't want to not write bc of this#and i felt the need to say it bc i'm anxiety prime about everything lately#and while i know it's irrational to overthink it..... here i am
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...
#...#the more i think about it the more im convinced that this site is not at all good for my anxiety#i overthink and overreact and invest wau too much personal time and energy here to the point where its a commitment to just keep posting#ive been thinking about deleting.#i just dont want to do this anymore but i feel that way about a lot of stuff#i also am being irrational a lot#like i think my therapist is spying on me for my boss#that certain things are a ruse because of other reasons#like low key constant paranoia but im just fucking tired of dealing with it#i overreact. today it lead me to so something i said i would do outside an emergency or joy.#im probably ocerthinking it#definatly over thinking#so why am i letting thaf happpen.#dl
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okay I broke and read Sky in a day here are my general thoughts
Frostpaw my baby you really are The Only (tm) A Starless Clan protagonist... she's the only one I don't have any particular negative feelings towards and I'm genuinely interested in her storyline, also I love seeing how much it's highlighted that Mothwing is incredibly capable and responsible, like we all knew she was but, makes me happy that some attention seems to be brought to it :)
like man I know she would want to stay a med cat and she DESERVES WHAT SHE WANTS but tbh? I feel she'd make a good leader.... Mothstar
and I think that's all I really have to say that's good
god I hate Nightheart now, like my original interpretation of him in River that he might be good and was relatable was based upon the fact that he seemed a lot more genuinely insecure like thinking he has capabilities but fucking up because of an (irrational) focus on lineage and overthinking shit, and the thing he felt he deserved was more his own identity, which is fair, and I thought they might take a more complex route exploring that BUT NO, like, I feel like the things that get passed around the most that garner hate for him are probably just more shocking and yea could probably be explained away but it doesn't matter cause the biggest problem with him is instead of having like plausibly having a fight with self doubt and stuff like I viewed him in River he's constantly like "well I deserve RESPECT for HOW GREAT I AM and just no one can see that" like dude, shut up where are you getting the idea that you're so great, and I just, completely rescind all my previous opinions on him, even though my inital expectations of his character would've been better for a protagonist that wouldn't have made want to throw my phone at the wall while I read the book. Which I think was why I was much more inclined to interpret him that way initally but like, to anyone still attached to him there is no question at this point this isn't just a case of a young adult having an angst session this is a character thinking he deserves things that he hasn't earned like especially in the case of his warrior duties he has proven he doesn't deserve respect in that regard, outright blames Squirrelflight repeatedly, like it comes down to his self righteousness instead of self questioning you know? that's the thing that is the crux of his shittiness as a person and I understand wanting to cling to an inital interpretation of him being more complex but his ridiculously prominent self righteousness just kills any reasonable interpretation that requires anything but a complete overhaul of his personality. like, I like Crowfeather, I don't like or accept everything he does in canon but there's enough that is not stated to us and enough depth behind the intention of his character that allows some different interpretations of him as someone who can and does eventually choose change without entirely breaking from the story given to us, but god... NIGHTHEART IS NOT IN THAT BOAT
Sunbeam is... okay as a character I guess? I wasn't fond of how she treated Lightleap though I still guess it's an understandable temporary emotion, her taste in toms makes me a lil more hesitant to give her as much slack on that as I might otherwise, but her interactions with her mother Berryheart are interesting, though that is really the only interesting thing in this arc besides what's going on in RiverClan
these books still make me angry, but I do want to see what happens to RiverClan myself, though I can't quite theorize what exactly is going on yet. Berryheart and Sunbeam's conflict is interesting as well, I honestly can't give a shit about anything else like I have so little to say on the plot because I honestly feel like this book didn't really... feel like it added much more to the story
hey! I've got a good idea! only Frostpaw and... I guess Sunbeam (for her interactions w/ her mother) get a POV in the books after this one, Frostpaw gets more chapters though so we can focus on the only plot thread that is significantly interesting
I know it's not gonna happen but it'd make the rest of this arc so much more fucking bearable
#frostpaw#nightheart#sunbeam#warriors#warrior cats#a starless clan#warriors asc#like the way Nightheart just KEPT BLAMING SQUIRRELFLIGHT WHEN SHE WAS CLEARLY NOT BEING CRUEL#he'd make a great villain protagonist! TO BAD THE ERINS CAN'T WRITE AND SEE ALL THEIR MALE CHARACTERS AS AUTOMATICALLY CORRECT#ugh#ughhhhh
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I don't know who to ask about this and I'm too ashamed to ask in any auDHD support group, but how do I cope with RSD from my own incompetence?
I made friends in the crochet community and I've been learning crochet for three years. I'm glad for how far I've come but I can't ignore the fact that I've been talked down by my family due to my hobbies. Since I was a kid, every special interest that I have got shot down or ridiculed and I think because of that, I always have a bit of an unhealthy view of it.
Sometimes, I became competitive and when meeting new people who are more likable, more talented, more resourceful, or have more spoons to create, I wish I could be their friend too so hopefully, I could be like them. But then, I get RSD because of their lack of interest (because I already put a barrier between us) or because sometimes we're not on the same page regarding some things.
I became resentful every time I saw or meet them. I just can't shake the anxiety and irrational anger whenever I see even a glimpse of them online or offline. I can't stop projecting my insecurities onto them and even though I've tried to act nice and avoid any talk or conflict, I can't ignore them entirely since we're in the same circle. My friends like this person, and I know I look odd being the only one who stops talking or is void of emotion whenever we're in the same space.
I feel childish just asking this but I hope you know a way for me to cope with it.
I wrote in a piece a few months ago arguing that most of what gets called RSD is largely just pathologizing a really sensible reaction to repeated social rejection, and I think that holds here.
You are putting a LOT of pressure on yourself, on your own abilities as a crocheter, on every interaction that you have within the community, on individual people who symbolize a desired level of acceptance and recognition you imagine they have and that you don't, on the validatory meaning of small interactions, etc, and so it's no wonder you are bugging the fuck out so much! It's very hard to act normal and chill and take the weird comings and goings of socializing with other people naturally when there's so much weight hanging on every little interaction or cue
(including many completely unintentional or potentially misreadable cues -- it's hard to gauge how much a new/slightly unfamiliar person actually likes or dislikes you, sometimes, and when you've had a lifetime of bad experiences, it's easier to sensibly default to assuming any neutral or missing cue is a negative).
Unfortunately, in my experience the only ways to move past this kind of overthinking and stressing and putting a hindering amount of symbolic weight on small interactions is through lots of practice and building up distress tolerance... and by genuinely having positive or warm experiences enough times that it helps train your nervous system to not associate the activity or community with threat.
It's apt you're messaging me coming off furfest weekend; when I'm around plushy-suited smiling-faced fursuits, I actually feel happy and comfortable around people, because they all look so nice and unthreatening to me! And move so goofily and sweetly and are there for such an adorable reason! In reality, I could practice seeing all humans in this way, because those are humans under those fursuits and most humans are just as capable of being silly and playful as furries are, at least in the right context.
But I have Social Anxieties and so a neutral expression on an unknown person registers as either disapproval or threat, much the time, meaning I am more defensive and less friendly with other people as I move about the world, worsening my own social anxiety by denying me practice and positive experiences, etc. all of which is a long winded way of saying i feel you and i understand what it's like.
In my experience, when I *can't* just run off and surround myself with completely nonthreatening looking fursuiters as a means of disengaging my social anxiety, one way I can at least overcome the worst of it is by having a lot of really mundane interactions with people that are not focused on socializing or making friends (or scoring any kind of interpersonal "win") as their cause.
Having an external goal and focus that you share with others unites them with you and keeps you mutually distracted enough to not be distracted by constantly socially evaluating one another (or trying to guess at how the other person is evaluating you etc). So, join up with some people to organize an event in the crocheting community, edit some example patterns with someone, ask someone whose skills you respect for help with a project that's got you stuck, just generally find some way to share the act of directing attention toward some separate/third thing, and make it something noncompetitive or where you can experience the other person as affiliated with you.
What's great is that research shows working collaboratively on a task as equals is one of the greatest bias-busters for neurodivergent people! So if you have looming anxieties about people treating you weirdly because your neurodivergent or anything like that, aligning yourself with someone to take on a task or a project is more likely to make them like you in return, and you will eventually be able to notice and internalize some signs of that affection, hopefully.
Beyond that, I think you need to just keep going to events in the chrocheting space, contributing to them, approaching people and asking them about their work, asking for and receiving advice and help with your own, and just generally behaving cordially to everyone you bump up around in that world, even if you don't like some of them or have some anxieties surrounding how some of them see you. when we really fear the judgement of another person we feel strongly motivated to dive the fuck away from them, which does not lessen the anxiety in the longrun.
but if the person isn't downright hostile or abusive to us or anything like that, we can usually get a little bit more acclimated to being around them simply by ... being around them, but not prioritizing winning them over, just socializing with others and interacting with them neutrally / pleasantly enough when the situation naturally arises. some people in the community might not like you, or RSD might be sending you some misfires or both, but either way, you can keep showing up and focusing on the friendships and activities that have been paying off, and directing more energy there.
and you'll probably still feel like an overly analytical insecure wreck for a while as you do all of this!! that is okay. feeling better is not the first step to doing better/differently. you can enact the behaviors of being affiliative, pleasant, collaborative, and curious even when you're not absolutely feeling it.
if you have big red glaring instincts telling you a person is Bad to be around, dont ignore that, of course, but you can keep showing up and being a pleasant, active party in this community even when your brain is telling you that so and so not looking up from their project to say hi when you walked in the room is proof that they have always hated you. it isn't proof of that, most of the time, but youre not crazy for having those fears, i have intrusive thoughts like that all the time.
my mind looks all around for evidence ive fucked up in some terrible way that i need to fix, and ive had to make an intentional practice of dismissing those ideas when they come up, and choosing to treat interactions and lower stakes and more blase than they actually felt that they were... but eventually i just got so socially active and had so many interactions that were in fact low stakes and not a big deal that eventually my brain started sometimes believing it wasnt a think to worry so much about.
i hope some of that makes sense or has some applications to what you're working on. i'm sorry that your family has been so dismissive of your passions over the years. it sounds like youve found a rewarding hobby and some people you enjoy being around who also take part in it, and that even the worst enemies you have in the space at this point are not actively dicks, just passively disinterested, so you really do have a lot of raw social material to work with here and get more acclimated to with continued practice. but hey, it's been three years, it's honestly okay if there are some anxieties you always have, just dont let it keep you from getting out there and trying to approach people/engage in the hobby along with other people. sounds like youve been doing fine.
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