#i also am being irrational a lot
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#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog#didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move#across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s#so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help#with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the#location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright#colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird#like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the#southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December#it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but#i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and#jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen#im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and#the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier#for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy#but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked#up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents#r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes#better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book#like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated
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i am so apathetic to popular male transformers characters, but i have a simple trick to make me care abt them: i turn them into robot women then i suddenly start seeing their appeal
#grimlock would be so awesome as a butch woman. DO YOU HEAR ME DOES ANYBODY HEAR ME HELLOOOO#also crazy in depth conversation i had abt this made me think abt why i get rlly. apathetic abt popular tf characters#esp when i realize all the popular characters im Whatever abt are all men#but i always have interest in the female ones and also the niche little weird guys#you are looking at rare scrounge fan. rare wheelie fan. and Number 1 Fan of Blurr*#*when hes a dorky weird anxious guy. yknow the ones ppl dont care abt bc hes “annoying” and “ugly”#i dont give as much of a shit abt the handsome cocky racer blurrs#i realize. because tf fandom has a weird thing abt only caring abt how attractive a character is#and tends to gravitate to male characters for that aspect#like lets be real here. there is such a high priority in this fandom for what characters look best in porn. im right.#and ppl love the yaoi robots for that.#and i. am on the aroace spectrum. and do not find as much attraction in men (though i do sometimes. just less so)#so this doesnt appeal to me#so i find myself so incredibly apathetic or a hater to a lot of the tf fandom bc of this#in turn i do not care so much for the popular characters or straight up see them as red flags (admittedly im a bit irrational for this tho)#a lot of times i get a feeling like “ok whats so special abt this guy. its just another conventionally attractive man" it feels boring to m#so that might explain why i become more interested in these characters if they arent men#this is all being said from a nonbinary person that leans more transmasc btw. just noting that.#rando thoughtz
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Who up listening to good luck babe by chappell roan and having it resonate not in the way intended but resonating nonetheless. About to go ham in the tags about the overlap of being a lesbian and being aromantic...if u even care....
#my art#gore#organs#its 2am so not a lot of this is going to be very coherent but this song makes me feel a lot of things about it all#like. its the Expectations#the expectation that im going to date men and the expectation that im going to date at all have always felt equally stifling#theres that feeling of not trying hard enough or not realizing it at first or trying to lean into what you're told you should feel#and having it not pay off time and time again and wishing you could just make it work#because everyone else around you has it just fine and you dont get why you're struggling with it so much#THERE ARE MORE SIMILARITIES BETWEEN THE TWO IS WHAT IM SAYING#like obviously figuring out aromanticism is especially weird because its a lack of something BUT THEYRE PRETTY SIMILAR#realizing I dont want to date anyone mirrors realizing I didn't like boys but like. idk man its worse sometimes?#I wouldn't trade it for the world it means a lot to me but its almost like people go out of their way not to understand it sometimes#at the end of the day I am the you in that song#it was a very very long road to being okay with never falling in love because that was something I wanted for a very very long time#at the end of the day I will never have to be someones wife and I think its better that way#but its also hard not to get jealous sometimes#like I know its irrational I know I get physically ill at just the thought of being asked out but like#sometimes ill see my friends with their girlfriends and ill feel like clawing my own chest out with want#but also if anyone asks me out I will have to dig myself into a pit and never come out. I think.#I want to be with women but I dont want to Be With Women if that makes sense#its another layer of difficulty that I dont think I'll ever be able to get past#I feel like at this point I should just be trying to conditioning myself out of any form of desire because its just not an option for me#which definitely isn't true and like chappell roan says. you'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling.#but its also so tiring to have to sit here with the feeling and feel bad for having the feeling.#I dont know#I think if I felt a little more or a little less I’d be fine but I’m stuck in the middle#it feels very weird talking about this openly but also its very difficult to talk about with friends because most of them dont get it#anyways something something Josies monologue from bottoms#im going to bed
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hiya just a small psa, first off--thank you for those who sent in writing asks, I'm going to answer them soon. also I am going to try and update Gibbous on Oct 12 (as a bday treat for myself) but if it doesnt happen, then I'll just post a small teaser on here of what I have so far of it. My mental health is still a work in progress, despite my post after Spoke No More (iykyk in terms of having a mental high followed by an immediate mental low haha) but if I go radio silent on this blog, it doesnt mean anything bad, it just means I need to take time to care for myself
#kat talks#time to ramble in the tags: i think the worst part of going through a negative spiral is when you know youre dealing with irrational though#patterns but they do feel very real in the moment lmao#its so frustrating! anyways i am having a hard time with my bday coming up because due to Events in my life i feel like#i have aged five years in a negative way and I've weirdly been thinking of myself being much older than i actually am#it feels like im dealing with howls moving castle curse irl is the best way i can describe it#so anyways i do want to be able to finish Gibbous chapter so that is something positive i can look forward to for my bday#but im also not going to let my happiness depend on that#because I've placed my happiness in so many things this year only to be let down by it all#i do want to write more and interact in fandom in a more active way but i am going through a lot rn#so if we have talked in the past please know im not intentionally ignoring you! its not anything personal towards you i promise
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i hate my best friend earlier i was like "im scared that this guy likes me bc he said something that i would only say to people who i like, but i recognize thats its a normal ass thing to say anyway and i rationally know he does not like me, but still, my brain decided to play with that concept and made me have a terrible nightmare the other night about it and now im subconsciously scared that he will like me ( with the underlying concept of "i am scared of men")" and shell go ohohioo what if youre projecting and its actually YOU that likes him. ????? bitch did you not hear the part about having a dream where he abused me or ...?sometimes being asexual is a nightmare nobody gets it
#and i have actually considered that btw.! and no i dont like him. if i like anyone its someone else entirely.and i dont like them either so#but she did not get it for the most part which i understand my feelings are unconventional and irrational and hard to follow. but i am#quite literally scared of the concept. of a man liking me. of this guy specifically bc we are good friends why ruin it!but just guys in gen#and i dreamt he abused me.....#literal nightmare i woke up scared and confused all bc my brain hates ne#anyway. she wants to have a gotcha moment so bad#like i said before. no its not about projecting and being scared of liking him#its about being scared that someone who i care about sees me in a way i dont and demands things from me i am not willing to give#+ someone being intimidating by having more experience compared to my 0 amount#+ feeling a bit intimiddated that my new friend group will find me immature as i am the youngest one#theres a lot of complicated feelings and a lot of confusing things bc of my asexuality but she sometimes doesnt get it#its not rly about liking him. also if i do in the future i wont really give myself a headache about it ive decided to stop worrying#about things like that it never helps.#anyway this is the friend i was hopelessly in love with and i can safely say i am over her now [tangent]#anyway. idk. sometimes i feel so stupid but this fear was idk a bit more than justa silly highschool 'what if i like them'and more#'what if the people i meet want to take advantage of me and i cant learn to say no' + 'what if i have a way of self sabotaging perfectly#good friendships by implanting irrational fears into them via dream' ?#you know. a bit more heavy#idk if anyone reads my rants id you doo cool thanks but whatever this is my diary maybe i should go nack to the psychologist idk#spikeposting
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despite my reservations, i am starting to get invested in lone star now, just a bit
#i really love marjan#and tk#pretty much everyone else im feeling very neutral towards#apart from owen and michelle who are both irritating me a lot#that was expected though i am irrationally greatly irrated by liv tyler and rationally greatly irritated by rob lowe#also this show is SO american#like i thought 911 was bad for its american-ness but it was nothing compared to this#also its very christian#which i cant remember who warned me about but thanks so much for the heads up#i also am being irrationally annoyed by the colour grading#why is it so washed out and grey i hate it so much#however#despite all that complaining i am starting to get into it now#i dont think im ever gonna love it like i love 911 but who knows#also as previously stated i really love tk and marjan#they are both characters that feel like they were specifically designed for me to love#and love them i do#please i want more storylines following them and less of ... basically every other storyline#911 lone star lb#< ill use that tag to keep upating my thoughts cos i feel like im gonna have a lot of thoughts#feel free to blacklist if it gets annoying
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it may be the 6am speaking and this will surely change anyways but I’ve simply decided to not care or be bothered anymore
#whimsy whispers#fuck all the things I was (am?) upset about#it doesn’t matter i can’t change things and there’s no use being upset or hung up on anything#it is what it is#<- they say this knowing there’s a 75% chance that when they’re not in a weird half asleep can’t sleep state that they’ll be upset and#possibly crying over the things they’re saying they’re moving on from#idk we’ll see#i feel like I’m more sound of kinds when it s late at night/early in the morning and I’m like tired#then when I’m fully awake during normal hours I’m irrational and crying#like idk I’m still :/ about a lot but god what can I even do I can’t like undo anything that’s happened#I can’t like go back in time and i also can’t go ‘Wah this upset me fix it fix it fix it’#like god I just need to accept that that’s how shit is sometimes#still annoyed but going to try and not be in despair about shit#god it’s 6:48am
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god i need to make some more meaningful connections asap this shit is devastating me rn
#teeth.txt#long tags incoming#open at ur own risk xx#crying over lack of deep understanding and friendship in my life#it's all irrational too bc i do have a lot of ppl who love and care abt me in very important and impactful ways#i'm just running around in circles in my brain and becoming bitter and jealous of people i perceive as. i don't know.#being able to easily make friends i guess#it's in my head it's all in my head i know!! but i just cannot shake the feeling that i am missing a specific kind of friendship in my life#but it's january so of course the Agonies are more intense. i am severely depressed#any local mutuals want to hang out and form an everlasting bond together#i know i'm usually with my bf but i promise i am also my own person <3#anyways there is a profound loneliness that i have been feeling lately despite knowing that many people love and care abt me#hmmm could be a bad idea to post this as many people that i know in real life and not just online may see it .#sorry gang
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having a . um.
#diary#suddenly got REALLY REALLY BADLY HIT WITH. PREVIOUS FEELINGS#LAST YEAR FEELINGS. HER NEGLECTING ME FEELINGS#CAUSE TODAY JUST. FUCKING. REMINDED ME OF IT AND I SCROLLED UP AND#I USED TO DO THAT TO CONFIRM I WASNT BEING IRRATIONAL. AND THE FREQUENCY OF RESPONSES WAS IN FACT. EXTREMELY DIFFERENT#AND I WASN'T INTENTIONALLY DOING IT TO CHECK THAT THIS TIME BUT SEEING ONLY ME SEND THINGS THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE DAY JUST FUCKING.#BROUGHT IT ALL BACK#ijm normal im javng a normal time snd i dont . feel affected bythis at all.#TJE FEELING IS SO STRONY#LIKE I REMEMBER NEGLECT TIMES A LOT BUT ITS NOT. LIKE THI#OK. ok#it just felt like a sudden fucking panic seeing it and. alright. okay#im normal & wtv . i was already feelinglike. bad about this earlier bcuz he . has plans with other people the whole week even tho we said#we would call. and i never ffucking feel like a priority but thats#like. a usual thing. and also much. I dont know. duller?#hmm how to describe feelings doesnt make sense arughh#its still INTENSE but when i feel that it's not like. ts just nto like this#i dont know how to articulate or describe anything!!#maybe i am a little bit traumatized after all Lol i donlt know!!! ^-^
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I love having an aesthetically pleasing vent journal. This thing is coral pink and covered in flower and bird stickers. I ponder the merits of homicide as a solution on page two
#i’m ngl i do mostly write down the bad things. i do write down a few good things that i want to remember. but mostly i just complain#honestly i find it very healing. it relieves my stress when i can get bullshit out of my head#seeing my problems all written out often helps me see a solution; or at the very least makes me realise it’s all a lot more linear#than it looks. it just organises my thoughts! helps me stop catastrophising#also it’s REALLY nice to have a place i don’t have to filter myself at all lol#no one trying to give me advice or judging me for getting really angry and irrational#this is my thing is that i KNOW i’m irrational but sometimes i just have to say stuff anyway. just talk myself out of it#but if an actual real human being heard me they would be alarmed#sometimes also my problems are mundane and uninteresting to everyone but me; who is going into cardiac arrest over them#‘you’re STILL thinking about that?’ not a fun thing to hear#yes of course i am. i’ve never gotten over anything that’s happened to me ever in my life. thank you for asking#personal
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#yesterday i was wandering around the campus where ive resided these last 4 years bc ive banned myself from running until my leg heals#and i was thinking like. what am i gonna miss about this place when i leave? bc im always thinking abt the things i cant wait to get away#from. and its a real short list. ill miss the palm trees bc i never get sick of seeing thrm. theyre so weird#ill miss the yucca. again bc theyre so weird looking. ill miss the way u can see where all the ants r bc in the non human populated areas#there isnt grass everywhere bc desert. ill miss that there r so many birds of prey hanging around. and the road runners and all the lil#lizards. and maybe in an abstract way ill miss being so close to the boarder bc when u live near a boarder boarders feel like bullshit#like staring down the road into another country. idk theres something i like abt that. ill probably also miss being able to run outside#all year long bc in the winter during the day all u need is a light jacket lol. where im going it gets real cold 🥶#maybe ill even miss the constant blue skies. but idk ive always liked a cloudy sky better. makes me think of home haha#ill def miss how convenient my apartment rn is. the loft bed. the low cost. the 5min walk to campus. sigh. but thats pretty much it. i#dont think ill miss anything else. im not really close with anyone. my boss was the reason i came here and she left this school in January#so thats it i guess. i think i stayed a year too long and was not well for a lot of my time here but so it goes#just gotta move to the next place. just gotta pray pray pray that i find an apartment soon. i dont even wanna say anything abt it bc im#afraid to jinx things. even tho thats irrational. like. i just gotta somehow project how good a tenant i am. im so quiet u will never see#me and i never complain abt anything bc i have brain problems. sigh. i cant wait for this transition to b over#im so so so ready to be in a new place doing new things. but at least my energy is back. im back to high energy on little sleep lol#i dont understand how my body functions lmao. somehow when i get a normal amount of sleep it's a sign that i feel awful#unrelated
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The thing is trying to pick between resting, and necessary chores, and what you want to do, and just being lazy (not the same as resting - sleep is not lazy).
I know I need more rest, yet if I give up more things I want then I will only do the necessary and the resting. I tried that and it was very empty. All the necessary is daily/weekly/immediate survival.
I can shuffle the necessary about and made it into patterns to be extra efficient, so there is time for what I want as well as resting, but there’s still no time for being lazy. For just being. I gotta be extra on top of it to get it all to fit, and it really only works when I’m feeling better than normal.
It gets hard to truly rest if you’re being efficient. You got to fit your tasks to your time, and then you’ve got to equate your exhaustion level into how long it’ll take. Your math will get confused.
I want to be lazy. I want to nap with the cats because the sun is warm. I want to dance badly and sing worse when my favorite song comes on without stopping to get back to work after the first chorus. I want to play the mandolin or mess with practicing a language, or any of the little hobbies that are not prioritizes. I want to not feel time pressing against me, counting down.
I guess I want time to be a companion instead.
#I'm actually pretty bad at tracking time#my 'eat lunch already' alarm goes off at 1pm and I realize I should eat#I glance at the clock while finishing up a task and see it's an hour or two later than expected#I should spend less time on tumblr but this is where I take back lazy time#a place to be amused and skim and reblog thoughtlessly - no big decisions but neat information and pictures and nothing overwhelming#(overall at least)#also the disability thing plays into it#I have to keep everything looking together so no one will claim I can't be on my own and somehow take it away#this is kinda irrational but everyone who is committed by family says that they never expected it#but i'm ace/aro/agender and i've an invisible disability and also 'woman' who doesn't want kids and really just weird#got to stay excentric and wacky without being freaky or scary - not threat#I forgot how much that is a quiet background rule but it's come out a lot now that I've a house - a home that is mine and mine to play with#the need to appear put-together in the front yard while more happily experimenting in the backyard#appearances#not keeping up with the joneses but ensuring to blend in just enough#add garden beds to keep all the 'flowers' acceptable and pleasant#(lots of garden beds! I will get rid of the grass eventually)#anyway#I am tried of ensuring I fit in 'enough'#I would like to reclaim that time but I would also not like to lose the time that putting up with complaints would be#so it's complicated#this has been a long strange weekend
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Ah. Im not gonna lie Im feeling jealous.
#ugh UGH#i KNOW this comes from an insecure place within me of not being as good as socializing#and like#im trying to befriend the girl who makes me a bit jealous bc i know shes nice#but my introduction to her was she making out with all my friends then my boyfriend pulling her aside since ppl were far too pushy w her#which was hella helpful and he was nice#but then he went on a few social events I couldnt bc I was overwhelmed and they became friends like he has her phone n stuff#and Im trying to BEFRIEND HER BUT SHE ISNT HERE FOR ME TO TALK TO AND I WANNA LEAVE#BUT I DONT WANNA LEAVE THEM BOTH ALONE EVEN THO OUR FRIENDS ARE HERE#LIKE. SHES IN THE CALL SHES JUST OUT FOR NOW#aaaarhsgshshsvsb FUCK#and I know im putting my insecurities on her bc im idolizing her#just. ugh#AND I KNOW THE FACT I DONT WANNA LEAVE THEM ALONE IS IRRATIONAL AAAAAAA#huh just writing this made me feel a lot better#still. jealousy suuucks and makes me more irrational than I usually am also I didnt have the last three meals so extra bad
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#my life#I hope the guy I'm talking to catches full out in-like feelings for me. we're still building our rapport so it's not time to be so direct#and ask yet. but maybe at the end of our next date. just feel out how he's feeling. I don't want things to go too fast because that#would freak me out. but I am interested in knowing more of how he's feeling. in myself feeling like it's going somewhere but also knowing#having it confirmed.#because I'm starting to catch something closer to feelings rather than just casual he exists and his company is pleasant enough vibes#and that is scary. but we've had a few nice dates now and this weekend he's supposed to cook for me. so hopefully that happens as expected#and is a nice time. the limbo period of something new and not rationally getting ahead of myself but the irrational thoughts in the back of#my head going everywhere and nothing is for sure or reliable but it is nice just new and therefore unsteady and who even knows. that limbo.#is a lot. and I just hope he keeps enjoying my company because I like his. and he's easy to talk to. nice face. fun times. intelligent -#and interesting! so at any moment personalities could end up clashing after all because I feel like that's how it always goes for me#then things in those cases just fizzle. and so far everything about me that usually scares people away he is unphased by. and that is very#jarring because I am not used to that. and it sort of feels like waiting for the other shoe to drop. and I'm just going day by day for now#but. but. I have so many thoughts. and mostly they amount to I'm nervous. that things might not have as much potential as they seem to.#might not be as good as they seem. and nervous they might be as good as they seem and in that case that I could ruin it by accident somehow#and that if i don't well it's scary to have to potentially learn how to do relationships better as an adult if things get to that point#because I don't have very developed skills in navigating romantic relationships as an adult!#I know how to be s exy with a guy not vulnerable. idk how people do that#being a person is hard. wish me luck. hopefully things continue to surprise me with him and things with us just hopefully continuing to#not suck and not be disappointing. the bar isn't even high and I'm still nervous. both good and bad anxious at the same time.#both excited and scared.#this was not me seeking or asking for any answers. just have a lot of thoughts in this precipice phase that could land either way#probably typos in here lol
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Hot sauce makes me nervous
Description: You have been invited to go on Hot One's First We Feast. It was recently announced that you're releasing an album but when some were looking through the title names they noticed some were romantic names, there have been rumors of you and a specific Uconn basketball player, leading there to already be a lot of attention on the anticipated album. Later on in the interview, you get asked about a specific song already out asking you who and/or what was the inspiration for it. I am using Sabrina and her music as well from other artists as yours in this because I can't think of good song titles…enjoy :)
“It's the show with hot questions and even hotter wings. Today we’re joined by Y/n L/n, she is one of the most talked about artists. Her debut album from 2021 still to this day is one of the most played in the last four years, some of her latest singles being Please Please Please, Espresso, Nonsense, and The Diner. As well as her new album called Sort n’ Sweet. Y/n L/n welcome to the show.” Sean announces while turning to look at you during the end as to give you the greeting.
“Hi thank you for inviting me, this has been a dream of mine to be here so I am honored and nervous,” you reply a bit nervous since you're fangirling on the inside.
“We’re excited to have you, how are you feeling going into this, are you a fan of hot sauce or prefer to keep things more tame?” He starts with a simple question to try and get you a bit comfortable, keeping things light and steady.
“Umm, I wouldn't say I'm a fan.. when I'm out at dinner I don't go for the spicy flavors but like as a small snack like chips or something yes I'm a fan. Hot sauce makes me all sweaty and nervous if I'm honest.” You say giggling towards the end because you know if you lied your girlfriend's team would never let you live it down when they watch this. “Like one time I thought it was a good idea to try those hot soups filled with peppers and stuff I started to tear up by like the fifth bite.”
At your retelling of the event, Sean is also laughing with you before he starts asking you the question he's prepared and having to dig in.
“I never eat wings with bones in them so this is a little new to me,” you tell him while taking your first bit of the first wing.
“Really? I thought most ate them with the bone in.”
“Yeah I just have an irrational fear of my teeth falling out if I bite down on the bone, that's also why I hate eating with forks.”
Sean and the rest of the people behind the cameras can't help but laugh at your admission. In the background of everyone laughing with you both, you can hear her laughing as well knowing that what you're saying is very much true. Hearing her you turn your head subtly, thinking people wouldn't notice this when posted, looking at her laughing admiring her for a second. You would find out later on people could decently see you turn your head, and if you listened close enough you could hear Paige's laughter in the back.
As the show went on Sean asking you questions about your career, your opinions on your songs, and how you came to be a singer, he asks, “So your song Let the Light In is one of your more romantic yet darker songs. Is there a story behind it or how did the inspiration come to you to create a song like this?”
When hearing his question you started worrying a bit knowing the inspiration wasn't just yours but Paige's too. You look at her in a way asking if she's ok with you answering knowing that this involves a personal situation with her and yourself, when you see her nod and give you an encouraging smile you know she's giving you the go-ahead and will be supportive of your answer. “Well, I wrote the song from my girlfriend mainly, when she had a serious injury and was in a dark place at the time when I met her. As she slowly got better the day she was cleared to play again she told me that she was grateful to have me because meeting me was like a light coming into her life encouraging her to get better. When she told me that I cried because I admitted to her that when I met her I was also at a dark place in my life so meeting her was also like the sun shining after the storm for me. We are each other's lights so I wrote the song for her.” You answer tearing up at the memory but smiling remembering her face when you told her she's your light too.
“It such a heartwarming thing to see how you can take special memories like that and write something beautiful for it, thank you for sharing.” He replied also smiling fondly at you seeing how you made sure with Paige first and telling such a personal moment.
“Thank you too for asking,” you know some interviews would keep pushing for more details, and you're grateful he didn't seeing as how it's not just your story to tell.
By the ninth wing, you started crying while laughing, there were funny instances from you getting a wing and running to Paige telling her to eat it since she was dying by laughing at you, to you falling out of your chair from how fast you turned and reached to grab the milk from the table away from you.
“I feel like my makeup with melting off just by my sweat and tears,” you say struggling to just sit upright but still laughing at your situation.
“Yeah, you look like it.” You heard Paige mumble in the background teasing you knowing it would get a reaction out of you.
“Babe I swear I will go back there and pour this hot sauce down your throat.” Threatening her, not being cautious anymore, while you felt like your mouth was on fire. This makes her laugh even harder as well as the crew and Sean.
After most of the laughter settled down Sean gets ready to ask another question. “This past year you have been spotted at a lot more WCBB and WNBA games, when did you get into watching women's basketball, and why?”
“When I was younger I had brothers that played basketball, they would teach me to play, and tried to get me to watch the NBA. As most big brothers do I just never could get into watching men play but anytime I would find a WNBA game you could bet I was fighting for the controller to put on the game. This year I’ve had a bit more free time since the tour for my last album was done and I took a bit of a break before I started writing this new album so I decided to attend as many as I could.” You weren't technically lying but you did leave out the part where you would mainly go to Uconn games to see your girlfriend back on the court and support her.
“Do you still play?”
“Yeah, a bit nothing serious though,” which is true if anyone on the team asks you to play you would say yes. Paige, while you are both away from Connecticut, if she finds a court shell beg you to play. Even though they're very much significantly taller you'll sometimes land a few points.
“Alright Y/n last one,” he tells you while shaking the last bottle.
“Oh gosh ok ok,” You can feel yourself shaking a little with nervousness but you have to see it through, or else she will never let you forget it. Shaking the bottle as well you try to put a of hot sauce enough to get it but not too much where you're burn your tongue off.
“Before I do this I want the camera and people to see that I did put some on there so she can't say I wussed out,” you tell everyone holding up your wing and looking directly at Paige while she shakes her head laughing at your expression.
“Yes, no one can claim you didn't go through with it, going out with a bang,” Sean tells you backing you up.
When you bite down you can already feel yourself regretting this. You start sweating again, eyes tearing up, nosey runny, you're defiantly making her drive you to go get ice cream.
“So Y/n you stated that in you're elementary through middle school years you took ballet lessons,” as soon as he said those words you knew where this was going and started to mentally prepare yourself, “we wanted to see if you could choreograph a small routine to your song All mine.”
“Of course, I can't promise it'll be good,” you respond while laughing and sniffling.
“Alright let's move these tables and chairs,” Sean says while laughing with you.
When doing your routine you only got a few steps in before you stopped and could continue because of your laughter, “I'm sorry omg I can't do it.”
“Fanominal dance couldn't have asked for better. There it is Y/n L/n taking on the wings of death, living to tell the tale, is there anything you would like to promote.”
“Short n’ Sweet comes out August, listen to it please it'll make me feel better from this. Watch the WNBA they're really cool and watch WCBB they're really cool too.” Biding everyone goodbye while still panting a little.
“Those wings got you good hm baby?” Paige says while driving to a McDonalds to get you a ice cream you almost demanded for.
“Paige, honey, I love you but I swear on everything I love I will make this car crash if we don't get ice cream. I can feel my face melting off.” You claim not even looking at her too busy trying not to keep sniffling.
“Ok ok we're almost there,” she can't help but laugh. I mean can you blame her, you were excited to do this a few hours ago now you look light you lost a fight.
After finally getting you your ice cream it's like your mood did a complete 180. “Thank you my love,” you say as you kiss her all over her face showing her how much you wanted that ice cream.
“The switch-up is crazy,” Paige says while chuckling at your attitude and holding your waist.
“I can stop.”
“Now I never said that come here mama.”
I'm slowly defrosting y'all (I'm losing my mind.) ANYWAY, I hope you guys enjoyed this <3
Kiss the sun 🌞
#fluff#wlw#paige bueckers x reader#paige bueckers fic#paige x reader#uconn wbb x reader#uconn x reader#wcbb x reader
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I think the thing that most Christian atheists who are rebelling against authoritarian Christian backgrounds don't get is why Jews remain Jewish.
Like, I get it, you engaged in your practices because you were told that God would punish you if you didn't, because you're told you're supposed to fear God.
(Incidentally, we don't even use the same language about this. The term that gets translated in most English bibles as "fear" is, like many classical Hebrew words, a lot more multivalent than the English term, and has more of a connotation of "awe." (See, for example, the Gilgamesh dream sequence: "Why am I trembling? No god passed this way." A god is something in whose wake one trembles.) It's what one feels when one is faced with something bigger than oneself, something overwhelming. For some people that may be fear of being harmed. For others it may be wonder or even ecstasy, standing outside oneself.)
But in 2023, Jews have the option (and, indeed, still the cultural pressure) to completely abandon Judaism. Very easily. We can, in fact, do it quite passively. If we're not actively trying to engage with it, it will very much drift away from us.
And it's not fear of divine punishment keeping most of us engaged.
The thing is, if you proved to me tomorrow that God doesn't exist, I'm not sure anything about my life or my practice would change. (I'm already agnostic, so *shrug*. I don't believe in a God-person. Sometimes I believe in a unity to reality, a life and a direction to it. Sometimes I don't. I just don't have the arrogance to think I understand definitively the way the universe does or doesn't work.) I still would celebrate Shabbat, I still wouldn't eat pork, I still would have a mezuzah on my doorway.
I do all that stuff because I'm Jewish, not because I think God will get mad if I don't. I do all that stuff because it's part of a cultural system that I see as wise and life-giving and therapeutic and worth maintaining.
And the thing is, the cultural system that Christian antitheists want us to assimilate into, under the guise of "getting rid of religion", is very much a white Protestant culture. It's not culturally neutral. It has practices, and it has a particular worldview, and it has cultural norms that are just as irrational as any other culture's.
It's also very telling that Christian antitheists purport to be harmed by Jews continuing to be Jewish. Why? We don't impose our norms on anyone else, and we overwhelmingly vote (and organize, and engage in activism) against the imposition of Christian "religious" norms, such as the curtailing of reproductive freedom, blue laws, etc.
So you're only "harmed" by our continued existence in the same way Christians purport to be harmed by it: by claiming that the very existence of a group that doesn't share your worldview and practices is somehow an act of oppression against you.
Which is, you know, white supremacist logic.
You're still upholding the logic of Jesus's genocidal, colonial Great Commission even though you supposedly don't believe in the god that ordered it anymore.
That's gotta be one of the saddest things I encounter among my fellow humans.
You took down all the crosses in the church of your mind and chucked them out the window, but you still refuse to step foot outside the church building, contenting yourself with claiming it's not a church, and firing out the windows at the synagogue and mosque down the road, the same way you used to.
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