#I guess a lot of it boils down to me hating myself. which y’know I’m kinda used to but it feels heavier than normally

[oleanderspride]

[averageagenderjoe]

Age of Calamity:

So, I had some thoughts on the first Hyrule Warriors, and since I got Age of Calmity as a gift over the holidays, I remembered that one post I made (that I can’t find for some reason) where I talked about my opinions on Hyrule Warriors and I got some opinions to share on Age of Calamity (which I haven’t finished and am still in the process of playing), so here goes—

—I will forever mock Hyrule Warriors with it’s plot that I believe I’ve said “reads like a bad fanfiction.” Just to make it clear—as a reader and writer of fanfiction—I think all fanfiction is kind of equally bad. I am so embarrassed over all the shit I read and write, and this is not just my fanfiction but my original work as well, like, the entire time I write, I am just cringing because somehow it’s embarrassing for me to write down what I am, and the entire time I’ve been playing Age of Calamity, I’ve been kind of yearning for many factors of that bad fanfiction plot line, but what it really boils down to is I wish Cia and Lana were in this game.

—No, I’m still on this. I loved Lana—I think I’m kind of gay for her. I know Hyrule Warriors isn’t canon and all, and I get it, but like, I want Cia and Lana to be canon characters and to find their way into another game, much like how tons of Zelda fans want Zant, Ghirahim, and Vaati to somehow manage to get into future games. I mean, I could talk for hours about Lana and Cia, and like, I wish they were in the game. The entire time I’ve been playing, I’ve been wishing they were characters.

—Lana is so hot. I mean, I’m aggressively bisexual, and I got a thing for colored hair but—like, fsahbjA, y’know?

—I remember seeing a post that expressed disappointment over how Nintendo’s been slowly toning down how buff Impa is, but like, I AGREE WITH IT. I mean, I know Impa started out as Zelda’s nursemaid or something, right? And she was an old lady, and then there was Ocarina of Time and she was a badass. In Skyward Sword, she’s a ninja chick and she’s cool. (I guess I won’t include Impaz because I mean, I guess they might be different characters and she had little to do with Twilight Princess’ plot.) In Hyrule Warriors, she was a general and she had a GIANT sword and she was so badass, and then come Breath of the Wild, she was a short old woman because the plot demanded so—and it feels like they put her in this one the way they did because they liked Paya a lot. Like, this version of her is cute, but I want the Impa with a sword that’s bigger than her and is a badass over the cutesy version I’ve seen so far. And in the first level, she needs Link to come help her? I think she trips or something? Stupid. (And even as I type this, I have to say that I do like playing as her, but like, still.)

—And Zelda’s so WEAK. Like, she does nothing in levels, I swear, and I can’t stand her weapons or her attacks. I found her slightly annoying in the first Hyrule Warriors, because it felt like she talked about hope a lot and stuff or whatever, and while I liked her in Breath of the Wild, in AoC, she comes across as weak, and I just find myself getting annoyed with her. I mean, her role in Age of Calamity does kind of match up with what I know about BotW, and I liked her in that game, but I think it’s the differece in game play and plot that makes it frustrating, because now she’s a playable character, and where I am, I feel like she does nothing worthwhile. And also, at first, I was put off by her voice in BotW, and then it grew on me, and now I’m really not digging it, but that’s more than likely just a me thing.

—With all that said, their relationship is coming across as SO GAY! Like, I know people shipped Impa and Zelda in Skyward Sword, and I know some people did in Hyrule Warriors too (which while I don’t ship it myself, I definitely don’t mind it as a ship depending on how it’s written, it kind of depends, and even then like, ships are weird in general—you Zelda/Impa shippers keep doing you, though!) But like, they’re so friendly! And I’ve decided, they’re gay! They just are.

—Does Revali seriously not like Link because they both fought each other in that one level? Or was that a part of it, on top of (I think, Revali having the hots for Zelda??? I don’t know how true that is, I’m not a hundred percent up to date with Breath of the Wild) just Revali having that personality like he hated everyone and everything?

—I’m ashamed to say it, but... Daruk? The Goron Guy? I think he’s boring. I got nothing against him, but I cannot, for the love of god, bring myself to care about him, and I wish I could... but I can’t.

Fuck yeah I’m gonna add to this later.

[spxllcxstxr]

💥 unpopular opinion I actually like Lavender...

I know I’m late but congrats on 400 you deserve it 🤍🤍 - twilight anon

Twilight anon!! 🥰🥰🥰🥰 thank you so much! ily!!

I mean obviously book Lavender is better because we actually got to hear about her outside of HBP and her obsession with Ron. She’s definitely not a bad character, I guess I’m a little more neutral through.

I’m using a read more because my opinion got a bit long

Ok my unpopular opinion is I guess sorta similar: Percy Weasley is not the worst Weasley, and I actually like him. GASP I know. Now, there are people better qualified that are able to dissect his character, so this is a little crude mesh of thoughts at 9am

I used to hate him because how could he fuck up to the point he doesn’t know his boss is gone/manipulated and how can he get angry at his parents for joining the order and believing Harry? And then I turned 18. Percy was 18 in Goblet of Fire. And I’m 18 and can barely fend for myself and Percy was out here with a job high up and expected to be a grown up. Now, you can argue that that’s what he wanted—to be treated like an adult, but at some point, you need to understand that that’s what every teen wants. We’re not children. But what about the other adults in the Ministry that didn’t say anything? Why are we only blaming Percy?

Ok, now let’s discuss him leaving. Percy is somehow both the middle child and part of the oldest. However, there’s a disconnect between Bill/Charlie and Percy. Bill is too old and Charlie and Percy have a bit of an age gap. Sure, they were close, but Charlie and Bill were closer. Then we have Ginny/Ron, so close in age that of course they band together. There’s what, a 4 year difference between Percy and Ron? As someone with a similar age gap with my brother, they’re not going to be that close. Now, the twins. Before I get into this, know that I do like the twins. I’m not like a twin Stan or whatever, but I do like their character. They are the closest in age to Percy, though still, they’re his younger brothers. And they’re dicks. Which is fine. Until we see countless times that they tend to take it too far. And going too far is fine if there are consequences or some sort of understanding. But there isn’t when if comes to Percy. We do see many times in the books where the twins will rag on Percy, Percy tells them to stop, and nothing really happens except for more teasing. And Percy never really doesn’t anything back to them. Percy simply wants to study, read books, and love his life. And they tear him a new one. So he starts feeling betrayed by the rest of his family that watch this happen and never help him.

A smaller note on him being a sort of black sheep of the family he’s “nothing special” for lack of a better thought. Bill is this curse breaker that travels the world and fights creatures, Charlie deals with dragons, the twins are some of the best tricksters Hogwarts has ever seen, Ron is friends with Harry Potter, and Ginny is the only girl in like years I think. I’m not saying that the others don’t have this struggle. I think they all have to fight against expectations and breaking away from a terrible mindset. But what’s the only thing we learn about Percy? That he’s stuffy because he like studying. Usually it’s the opposite, right? Percy doesn’t seem to think he has anything to offer so, he does what he knows best, studies to move up in life. I mean c’mon, this kid is smart! He got a ministry job at 18!

Ok so finally, let’s get to OoTP and talk about what he said to his parents. I’m not saying that he was right and he’s justified for yelling at his parents and all that—because he’s not. It was terrible. But let’s go through it. First, what he said. According to his younger siblings. This, I believe, is really the first time we hear about Percy completely losing his cool. He was always prim, proper, and professional, mature for his age, and then we hear about his outburst. Obviously he just got the point where all of this was too much and was boiling over. Which I think we can all understand. So he loses it. Now I don’t remember everything he said. I think he blames a lot of stuff in his parents, which is cruel. It’s something that should come up later after a few therapy sessions but we have to remember that these are bottled up emotions from someone who never feels listened to. Let’s get to the part we all remember, when he blames his father for the family being poor. Oof. Again, that’s more of a therapy thing. However, I can relate. I mean my family is poor, and when I younger it used to be worse. We were literally extremely close to losing our house and we went some days not knowing how to pay bills, and we get a lot of financial help from my grandparents...and y’know, I’ll admit. I used to get angry because well why can’t my mom just get a better job and make more money so we didn’t have to worry about these things? It’s a hard thing to wrap your head around. Sure, Percy is older at this time and sees firsthand what the ministry is like, but he doesn’t understand why his father, seeing how money gets so tight, can stand working the same job. It’s a terrible thing to say to someone, but it’s completely understandable why he’d be upset. In his mind, I think he’s really trying to help. I think he’s really trying to get him to understand that if he just went into a new department, his family could have a bit more money. I have no clue if that’s coming out the way it is in my head but hopefully you get the point.

Secondly, let’s discuss his Dumbledore/Harry mistrust. This might be shorter I don’t know. We’re talking about the headmaster that stored a stone that Voldemort would want in the basement of a school when school was in session. And then Percy had to hear about hi younger brother—aged 11–went down and got like beat up by a massive chess set. And then!! The next year, there’s a fucking snake on the lose that prettifies muggle borns—his own girlfriend being one of them—and the school doesn’t close until like 4 people get attacked or something?? Then to learn that his sister!! His only sister gets taken down into the CHAMBER OF SECRETS!!! And that again, his younger brother, led by Harry Potter, is down there trying to save her. They both practically die. THEN! Sirius Black, suspected murderer, is out and about, looking for Harry Potter, and eventually winds up in the castle where he seemingly almost kills his younger brother in his bed. I think Percy is extremely justified in his mistrust in Dumbledore. Harry, I think, is a bit trickier. I think it has to do with a mix of jealousy. That here’s this boy that is now practically a Weasley and somehow everyone likes this new kind better and treat him better than Percy. Then, of course, Harry’s blind trust in Dumbledore. And we know that Percy doesn’t like Dumbledore. The two of them are the common denominators for why his family keeps almost getting killed. There’s also this manipulation from the ministry. He’s 18 when they first start messing with his mind and telling his these things. So he believes them. I mean, it’s the ministry, they want what’s best, right?

Maybe I’m just projecting onto him.

Ok I’m going to end it there because I spent an hour doing this already. There’s a lot more I can say but I have class soon. Tell me what you guys think.

Come Celebrate!

[paintedrecs]

For the fandom talk meme thingy: C (not trying to start drama I swear), I, K, R, and X. =D

C - A ship you have never liked and probably never will.

Hmmm, there are a few ways of answering this. One is by listing all my NOTPs, which would be excessively long and ultimately boring because it essentially boils down to “anyone else with either member of my OTP.” I monoship my primary pairings, so I’m pretty strict on what I do and do not like. 

(With the way fandom is now, I should clarify that NOTP means that I personally do not like a ship and I therefore go out of my way to avoid it - by muting terms, carefully filtering tags and search results, curating my own space, etc. It doesn’t mean I think the ship is badwrong or that anyone else should stop shipping it. It just means I do not ever want to see it.)

This feels a little less specific on that front, though, maybe more just: people like this and I’m meh about it?

So Allydia comes to mind. I don’t hate it, and if the Sterek’s good enough I’ll still read a fic with them as a background pairing, but I don’t ever like it as a romantic ship. While I ship Lydia with lots of different characters, including Cora, I’ve always seen Allison as straight, so I suppose that’s part of it? And I love Lydia & Allison as bffs - I see them as entirely platonic, like Scott & Stiles, so introducing romance just doesn’t work for me.

Another one is Sheriff Stilinski/Peter Hale. I...I don’t understand it. Unlike the last answer, this background pairing will prevent me from reading a Sterek-central fic.

I - Has Tumblr caused you to stop liking any fandoms, if so, which and why?

This turned into a complicated and kind of roundabout answer, so I’m putting the rest of the questions under a long-post cut!

I stopped frequenting tumblr for two main reasons:

that whole weird purge thing that made me think everyone was leaving, so I just gave up, which might’ve been premature cause it seems like folks are still going strong on here

the emergence of antis, specifically within the Voltron fandom (although they’re everywhere at this point)

There’s a saying in fandom now: 

“Why is the younger fandom generation like this?!??” “Tumblr raised them.”

For me, for years, tumblr was a really wonderful space where I had a lot of great conversations and read very thoughtful threads that helped me to learn some important things about myself, other people, and a world much wider than my own.

But I was an adult when I joined this site, and it really does seem like there’s a whole new crop of kids who have no actual context for ideas like social justice, the need for canonical representation in our media, and a lot of other things that eventually got folded into a big ball of disconnected rhetoric that they now fling as hard as they can at the heads of fandom creators who are committing the ultimate sin of creating content for ships they don’t like.

It’s late, and I don’t feel like getting into a whole Essay Rant about all that.

So on an entirely personal level, I quit running appreciatejack (my Check Please/zimbits/Jack Zimmermann blog) because someone sent me really vile hate for daring to ship Shiro/Keith from Voltron (two unrelated adults in a cartoon). It’s why I turned my ask boxes/anon/chats off on most of my blogs, and then eventually just...got tired of running them.

When I started up appreciatederek, I got a couple asks from people who wanted to know if it was going to be multiship or just Sterek, and when I said it was Sterek, they presumably went off to find other things they were into, because I never heard from them again. Y’know, the reasonable reaction. And then the rest of it was wonderful: finding content for it, and getting responses from people who enjoyed that content.

I thought appreciateshiro would be similar, but it was all so messy from the very start. The Sheith tag was FULL of hate. I was initially checking it every day, trying to find artists and writers and gif-makers to reblog and encourage and support, like I’d done in Sterek fandom, but instead I’d spend literal hours blocking people who came into that tag just to talk about how much they hated the ship.

Every day, I’d look for content for my OTP, and every day I’d come away from it angry and sad and frustrated. I never seemed to run out of people to block. And they never, ever seemed to run out of hate.

It was exhausting. It made me reluctant to go on tumblr at all. And eventually I just...sorta stopped.

So the answer to this question is more, I guess, “fandom made me stop liking tumblr, and in the process I stopped liking most fandoms.”

I’m sure you can kinda tell from the fandoms I’m currently the most invested in.

I love Sterek, and I will always love Sterek. Part of that’s the ship itself, of course, and part is because I had an incredible fandom experience with it. People within this fandom are still really great - always so welcoming and super excited about new content, even so many years on.

Otherwise, my current fandoms are kiiiiinda tiny:

Xanatowen (Gargoyles), which currently consists of exactly 2 people and 12 fics (3 of which are mine).

Trevorcard (Castlevania), which only has ~200 fics on AO3.

Taibani (Tiger & Bunny), which is an oldish fandom with only ~600 fics on AO3.

Remember, I came from a fandom that has SIXTY THOUSAND fics.

So while I feel very lonely and very sad about the low content levels in these fandoms, they’ve also given me the space to let go of some of my fandom hurt & anger and remember what it’s like to just...peacefully love something. I really miss just loving things and talking about loving those things and searching for other people who also love those things without running into....thousands upon thousands of people who HATE that you love that thing.

(Until I wrote all that out just now, I actually hadn’t realized how much this had still been hanging over me, or why I was so hesitant to come back to “reclaim” a space I’d once been super active and happy in. Essay over! Next questions.)

K - What character has your favorite development arc/the best development arc?

Answered here!

R - Which friendship/platonic relationship is your favorite in fandom?

Answered here! 

X - A trope which you are almost certain to love in any fandom.

Found family. This is probably a big part of why Sterek was my first real fandom, because the idea of Pack makes it incredibly natural to build out relationships beyond just the central romantic pairing. 

It doesn’t have to be a werewolf thing, though. I’m honestly not hugely fond of the whole puppy piles concept - I’m less interested in “biological urges make characters literally physically all snuggle up together in bed” than I am in the actual build of the friendships, and the concept of choosing people who will become the family you’ve been missing for whatever reason.

Maybe it’s reconnecting with biological family, or maybe it’s discovering that your friends have been filling that space for you all along, without you even fully realizing it. (The concept of “home” is another big one for me. Home is where your heart is etc etc.)

And hey! Now I can pull back in another question from earlier: about “pairings” that I might not have initially considered. As I suspected, I do have more! Mostly platonic.

For instance: Derek and Sheriff Stilinski becoming bffs. I thiiiink I can probably tie my ABSOLUTE LOVE of this concept back to HalfFizzbin’s can't be hateful, gotta be grateful. And then Cupboard Love really has to be the source of ALL my alive!Hales feels, which also includes folding Stiles into their family.

Fic is largely responsible for building out Derek’s relationship with Boyd, Erica, Isaac, his sisters...making them into an actual pack and friends and family in the way the show never bothered. And frankly while I don’t like canon!Scott at all at this point, I love his friendship with Stiles in fics, and I absolutely believe Stiles and Lydia would be amazing friends once he got past his crush on her. I’d point to another fic here, owlpostagain’s will to follow through, as the ultimate source for major Team Human feels.

So yeah. I’m always going to be drawn to stories about family, in whatever form that takes, particularly if it’s one that’s a little bit off the normal white-picket-fence path.

In Tiger & Bunny, it’s Barnaby joining the Kaburagi family, and learning how to be a dad and a friend to his new husband’s daughter.

In Gargoyles, I’m completely obsessed with the (canonical!) idea of a family that consists of a man, his wife, their son, and the chaotically loyal fae babysitter/tutor/third parent. It is not a stretch to tweak this the tiiiiiiniest bit to turn it into a nontraditional family structure of a man, his wife, his son, and his fae boyfriend. Honestly.

In Castlevania, the fic that made me sob my eyes out at one point does something the show would absolutely never. It gives Alucard the time to rebuild his physical home while befriending the people in the little town that crops up around it. It’s about Trevor and Alucard falling in love, but it’s also about them making a place for themselves in a world where that kind of comfort and stability and friendship is so badly needed.

I think we all kinda need that in our world right now. So I love being able to find it in fic, for the characters who’ve grown to mean something to me.

[paint-pilot]

shit it’s been a second, guess it’s time to update again

edit: holy christ this is long, i’m gonna readmore it. tl:dr tyler has many badweird feelings but is getting through it. fun body changes, including hair growth and an unexpectedly nice voice. surgery and legal matters are Annoying. tw for menstruation

it is truly bizarre to think that i’ll have been five months on t in a little under two weeks. another month after that and it’s half a year. it’s uhh...weird. quarantine has just made this all feel weird. it’s like i fast-forwarded through this whole journey i was supposed to go on i guess? like i got randomly torn out of my life one day in march with no warning and then just as suddenly got spat out in august with a new life - new name, new face, new major, new identity - and no transitional period whatsoever. my classmates, my professors, my students, they all have only known me as tyler. and only ever will know me as tyler. and that’s great! it’s great, and i’m truly just blown away by how markedly easy it’s been and how weirdly good my timing was in transitioning. but it almost feels like i’m still a ways behind everyone else, i guess. i’ve spent so much of my life hiding, and lying through my teeth, and covering my ass every second of every day to protect myself, and i don’t have to do that anymore but the instinct is 100% still there and that honestly doesn’t feel good. of course i’m not making any of it up - i’m happier now than i’ve ever been, and i know i’m making the right choice - but it still persistently keeps feeling that way.

it’s just difficult, i think, to balance wanting to be read as male (and, to a large extent, wanting to keep my transness hidden both for safety reasons and so people don’t start treating me differently) and finding it difficult to hide this truly massive life change that, like, four people are really seeing anything of. and y’all, i guess, lol. it’s one thing to talk about all this in therapy, but it’s another entirely to just be able to share it with strangers and not worry about it being weird.

i was writing this with the intent of it being a mostly happy update but i guess there is some negativity boiling up so. gotta be honest, i guess? there’s a lot of fun trauma stuff i’ve been going through lately that i won’t get into but it’s culminated with this bullshit in this really fun way where my mom gets upset because i get kind of uncomfortable when she shows me childhood photos or tells stories about me as a little kid and then i just break down for reasons i really can’t discern. i’m going to try and articulate this, and who knows how messy it’s going to get, so i apologize if it gets kind of incoherent from here on out. as far as i can tell the root thing that she really gets upset about is that i’ve “thrown away” my whole previous identity. like, not a direct quote, but “you can’t just pretend [deadname] never existed. because she did, for a long time.” and...sure, i guess. i know this has been hard on my mom. i know she was raised in a conservative family, and while she has worked hard to adopt an accepting and open mindset she still doesn’t 100% grasp all of it and will make mistakes. i’ve made my peace with that. and yet. it’s not so much, really, that i was this other person and then became tyler, y’know? tyler did not appear suddenly two years ago where she once stood. tyler put on a mask, even before he knew he was tyler, because tyler was scared and ashamed but people seemed to like her and, for a time, she was an easy person to be. and i hated her. that is so fucking scary for me to say, and i’m not sure i’ve admitted that until literally right this second, but i did. not because she was a bad person. because she had a voice and a face and a body that i hated. because people saw her and assumed they knew me. because even she had many faces, because there was no real base or identity to her, just traits designed to paint a pretty picture and make people like her. because i knew, when i finally threw her away, people would miss her. compare me to her. expect me to be like her.

so i don’t know. i don’t have a satisfying way to wrap this up, because i honestly don’t know how to face this because i know it is absolutely not just the trans thing that created this situation. i’m kinda warring with myself, because i do kinda want to go back through this blog and delete photos of myself with long hair and whatever (because jesus, i’ve had this thing since i was like 14) but i genuinely don’t know if that’s healthy. i know i’m going back on my bullshit, fretting this way and that over whether something is “healthy” as though that’s an objective term without considering what’s going to make me happy, but honestly? i don’t know anymore. i keep sensing the mental block - the swathes of my childhood that i cannot recall, just vague, constant unease - and i don’t really know if i want to dig into all of that and learn what lies underneath because i’m sort of afraid of it. like i said, i’m happy now, happier than i’ve ever been, and i’d sort of like to just leave it like that. but i guess the length and tone of this post might argue otherwise.

anyways. anyways. enough mental health therapy, more actual hormone therapy updates since that’s what this goddamn thing is supposed to be i think? i’m finally starting to grow some noticeable hairs - my chin hair is coming back after my mom made me shave it before i left for school lol, as are a handful of mustache/lower lip/sideburn hairs. i keep feeling phantom bugs on my legs/feet and i’ve only just now recognized that that’s just leg hairs brushing against places i’m not used to. my appetite has picked up like absolute hell again, too, so i don’t know if i’m just having a metabolic spurt or what. also, i’ve started bruising more? idk what the hell that’s about - i fucking never bruise unless i’ve been hit Hard, and i kind of assumed testosterone would make you less likely to bruise, but then that’s probably just not related to the hormones at all. i was gonna put this in the tags but seeing as this post is already so long i might as well put a readmore and just put this here lol: my period is late, like, four days late, which is exceedingly unusual for me and might mean i’m finally done. or almost done. fingers crossed.

my voice has started to settle, it seems like. i popped out an e2 yesterday, which is Sick, but i’m not as focused on that anymore as i am on the actual quality of my tone. which is...good? i’m not just a baritone, i’m kind of a good one, at least it seems like. i’m really working right now on just getting familiar with my instrument - i’m second-guessing my pitch sensitivity a lot, but i think i really just need to drill and practice until everything starts feeling like second nature again. but since the musical didn’t happen for me, my coach wants to enter me in a classical solo competition next spring. so...no more retirement from competitive singing. i’m back! and thank god, because i’m starting to go crazy without being in musical work lol.

jesus fuck, i have a lot to say. i should probably split this into two posts but i don’t care. i am frustrated; i tried to get an appointment with a pro bono legal program for a name change, but it happened today and i wasn’t invited so apparently i’m on my own. and i’m frustrated. i’m trying to look at internships and shit for next summer, but i kind of can’t apply right now because my legal name and sex don’t line up with my presentation, and i don’t really know how easy it is to get away with that in this day and age and especially in my field. genuinely, if anyone has any advice, i’d appreciate it. i don’t know how long this will take, i don’t know what the requirements are, i don’t know if i’m better off just applying now and hoping they don’t eliminate me before ever getting me an interview. and, of course, i’m working on getting consultations for top surgery, but i keep catching myself procrastinating that. which seems weird, but listen. i’ve said it before but i have to emphasize, i am capital-t Terrified of getting this surgery. i know i need to, i know it will make things better for me, i know now is the time, i know i hate binding and can’t really get away with not doing so, but jesus fuck i am so frightened of anesthesia it’s not even funny. but i guess i’m mostly just calling myself out here and telling myself to quit being a big baby, schedule the thing, and give myself a few months to prepare.

anyway. that’s all i have to say. i’d apologize for ranting, but honestly...i dunno. i know at the start of all this a handful of you requested these updates, and i have to imagine it’s because at least some of you are transitioning, are thinking of doing so, or know someone who is or will be soon. and i just hope someone out there can at least relate, because there honestly just aren’t a lot of comparable life changes out there. or maybe this is just therapeutic for me, that’s fine too.

i have two midterms next week i should be studying for. i should do that.

[a-bear-at-hogwarts]

Mc Interview

Tagged by @phyl-the-gryffinclaw and @ravenclaw-craftsgirl !! Ty ^-^

----------

What’s your Name? ➔ “Like... my full name? Well I dinnae use it often but m’middle name’s Ursa Minor. Dahlia ‘Ursa minor’ Goldman. M’told my father picked it out.”

 Are you single? ➔ For a second the blank expression wavers, her eyes going a little wide as she just blinks. “I... I don’t think that’s relevant? But I guess...” She pauses, her gaze dropping to the ground. “Since fifth year or so, no.”

 Are you happy? ➔  “Happy or no, it’s not that important. I’m alive aren’t I?”

 Are you angry? ➔ She seems to withdraw a little, sitting back as though to move herself further away. Arms fold over her chest. “...yeah. I’ve got a lid on it though.”

 Are your parents still married? ➔ “Well. M’dad’s been dead for years now so I’d hazard a guess at no. Not like she ever remarried but...”

- NINE FACTS 

birthplace ➔ “Scotland. Family owned parcel of land, home birth.”

hair color ➔ “Really? Brown.”

eye color ➔ “Also brown. Green in... some lights I guess but it’s just brown.”

birthday ➔ “I dinnae get why this is such a big deal for folks but it’s the 22nd of December.”

mood ➔ She gestures to her face, which frankly doesn’t clarify anything. “Take a guess.”

gender ➔ “M’a girl.”

summer or winter ➔ “Ehhh... gotta pick winter here. Feelin drowsy all the time sucks sure, but the glittering and cold is just real nice. Summer’s just way too hot for me, always feel like crap.”

morning or afternoon ➔ “Morning. Early, EARLY morning. Before everyone else is awake yet, it’s nice feelin like the only person in the world. Just you and the sunrise...”

- EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE 

are you in love ➔ She presses her lips together, shifting a little; it’s a small tell but she seems uncomfortable. “I... don’t know. I think so. But I-” She cuts off, shaking her head. “Next question. Please.”

do you believe in love at first sight ➔ “No. Attraction maybe, but appearance is deceiving. You can’t trust even the people you hold dearest, let alone a perfect stranger and I... I still don’t know if you can love without trust.”

who ended your last relationship ➔ “We both did. M’first lover wasn’t meant to last forever, we were both just kinda usin’ one another t’figure out what way was up when it came to loving. Eventually we just figured it wasn’t goin anywhere anymore and talked it out. Mad’s still close... aye, Mads. Maddy. I dinnae call her Madeline she’s no keen on it.”

have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔  She blinks again, brow furrowing. “Well I... no in terms of romantic love, no.”

are you afraid of commitments ➔ She seems uncomfortable again. Her ankles cross, leaning back again and folding her arms tighter. “Look. Trust’s hard aight? Lets just... move on.”

have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ Now at least she unwinds a little, taking a breath as a fond look flitters across her eyes. “Used to be I wouldn’t be able to tell ye the last time I hugged someone. I’m getting better with it. Sammy hugged me just the other day, Lau too... Jason still pretends to trick me into it by doin something reckless and waiting for me to scoop him up. They’ve been good for me.”

have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ Now for the first time, a tint of colour crawls across her face as she fiddles with her fingers. “Well I uh... yeah actually. I thought they were just kinda... watching me train? But the kids kept gettin tongue tied and runnin off when I asked about it, all red faced. Took me a wee while to realise what was up with that.”

have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ She breathes a quiet sigh, toying with her fingers again. “Aye. Aye I have. No I dinnae want to go into that, next question.”

- SIX CHOICES

love or lust ➔ “Ah Merlin... Lust hurts less, in the short run? Easier to deal with, get rid of if needs be, doesn’t control you nearly as much if you’re no an idiot...”

lemonade or iced tea ➔ “Lemonade. I’m no keen on tea I’ve a caffeine allergy.”

cats or dogs ➔ “Yes”

a few best friends or many regular friends ➔ “I dinnae think I have anyone I could call a best friend? I let anyone in and they’d count most likely, I’m nae exactly the social type...”

wild night out or romantic night in ➔ “I like a night in. Gotta plan for a night out, gotta have someone watching my back or I feel on edge all the time. Nice night in with one person, just talkin or watching something... nice, peaceful.”

day or night ➔ She wrinkles her nose, brow furrowing as she turns it over. “... I think I’d have to say night. Wouldn’t always have said so but now... aye. Night.”

- FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS

been caught sneaking out ➔ She snorts briefly, shaking her head. “Sorry but- aye. Aye once or twice, not often but I’ve made foolish decisions. M’good at gettin away with it at least.”

fallen down/up the stairs ➔  “Ach... aye. Forgot it was winter and slid on stairs at some point of most winters I’ve weathered. Almost a tradition at this point.”

wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ “Aye... aye I’d say so. Ironically usually I want like that when I need something to stop hurting.” A grim smile spreads across her face for a moment, before she shrugs. “Tad dramatic sorry, but aye, yeah.”

wanted to disappear ➔ The discomfort is back with a vengeance. Her jaw tenses and she seems to withdraw completely, an invisible wall rising that shuts her off completely. “Not your concern. Move on.”

- FOUR PREFERENCES

smile or eyes ➔ “Eyes. Harder to lie with than your smile... admittedly from experience.”

shorter or taller ➔ She looks almost sheepish for a moment. “Admittedly... I’d like to be taller. I’m 6′5 last I checked, but I’m no actually that tall for my lot. Can thank my dad for that, he was 5′2 to the day he died.”

intelligence or attraction ➔ “Like... on myself?” Receiving no answer she assumes this is the case. “Intelligence. Pretty garners attention, I’m no too keen on that.”

hook-up or relationship ➔ Her brows furrow again as she considers it. “I think... now? I’d pick my current relationship over anything else like it.”

- FAMILY

do you and your family get along ➔ She’s tense now. It’s noticeable in every visible line of her body, though she takes a breath and tries to pull it out. “That’s a... complicated question. Most part aye. Sometimes... sometimes things fall apart in a big way. But that’s our business, no yours.”

would you say you have a “messed up life” ➔ The sharp bark of laughter seems to have been drawn unwillingly, bitter. Like boiling steam forced out by pressure. ”Ye could say that. Couldn’t we all?”

have you ever run away from home ➔ “Merlin, no. I... I used to sneak out. That’s not worked out for me. Dinnae have to anymore, ma’s... busy.”

have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ “No. Mam’s too protective to ever consider it.”

- FRIENDS

do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ “No? They wildnae be my friend if I did, and I dinnae hate many folk anyways.”

do you consider all of your friends good friends ➔ “Aye. I’m not that sociable in the first place, the folks with me today understand an worked through that. Took time, and I’ll admit I got... real attached. They’ve been good for me too. Sammy, Lau, Jason ‘specially when it come to m’touch sensitivity. Talbott listens when I just need to talk, Corbyn understands a lot of the stuff I can’t explain well, Diego’s fun to goof with I just... I’m real lucky y’know?”

who is your best friend ➔ “Really couldn’t say, but I guess Talbott’s my closest confidant? Or Chiara... Rowan’s always gonna have a special place in my heart though. They read me years ago when I was still more closed off than a gringotts bank, and they took those steps that made all this... possible.”

who knows everything about you ➔ The ghost of a smile crosses her face. “Nobody. Not a soul in this world.”

-----

aaa idk who to tag but this was super fun!! if you wanna do it consider yourself tagged!!

[murasaki-murasame]

I guess it’s time for me to put on my clown wig and make a complete fool of myself by dumping out all my last-minute thoughts about what I want and expect from the Sarazanmai finale, now that we’re just a few hours away from it.

Mostly this is just gonna be me trying to rationalize a way this could end happily for everyone involved even though I know full well the finale’s gonna murder me. [And tbh this is mostly gonna be me talking about Reo and Mabu lol]

lmao I have so many scattered and messy thoughts about all this, where do I even begin.

Most of all I’m still clinging onto the hope that Reo and Mabu will some way or another get revived in the finale. I’m bracing myself for the worst, though. I just feel like their deaths don’t even fit into the typical pattern of Ikuhara characters ‘dying’ as a way to transcend reality. Reo’s death in particular was so down to earth and casual that I don’t really think it’s satisfying or even bittersweet in the way that a lot of other Ikuhara endings are.

I also just think it seems really noteworthy that instead of getting sucked into the hell of never ending, beginning, or connecting, the ring representing Mabu’s place in the big circle of society bounced back and manifested in the real world to land in Reo’s pocket. And then Reo himself turned into the same sorta ring after he died even though he didn’t even become a kappa zombie or anything, and he just died a regular death. I get the feeling that Keppi might have somehow stepped in to stop them from completely being destroyed, considering what he said after Mabu’s death about how he was going to make sure to connect their desires to the future.

It just comes across like they’re in some sort of stasis where there’s still a chance to bring them back somehow. At the very least, I don’t really see what the entire point of them turning into rings would be other than that.

I’ve also been thinking for a while now that it might be Sara and Keppi who get the trademark ‘self-sacrifice/transcending reality’ Ikuhara ending, rather than any of the main trio or Reo and Mabu. I could even see it being a thing where they don’t even die, but they basically give up their place in the human realm and go back to the kappa kingdom permanently, which wouldn’t even be that sad of an ending for them in my opinion. There’s a lot of different ways it could play out, but I’ve got two ideas.

For one thing, I think Sara might be able to create her own dish of hope like Keppi can. He said he was the only one who can do that [I think he did, at least], but he’s also clearly been lying about being the ‘sole survivor of the kappa kingdom’ so I don’t really trust that, and the fact that the main dish of hope that we’ve spent most of the series working toward has already been used makes me think that another one might be introduced in the finale so that another wish can be made. It also seems really fishy to me that the scene with her and Haruka in ep10 revealed that Sara’s head ornament thing is apparently a type of plate. It makes me wonder if maybe there’s gonna be a reveal where we find out that she’s been hiding a dish of hope in plain sight, literally right on top of her head.

I could also maybe see a situation where Sara and Keppi transplant their own shirikodama into Reo and Mabu to bring them back, like what Kazuki wanted to do with Haruka in ep6. I’ve been wondering ever since that episode if that whole idea was going to come up again, at least. I think this could lead to the sorta situation I mentioned before where they have to give up their place in the human world, since as we also learned in ep6, giving up your shirikodama ejects you from the circle. But they might still be able to just go back to the kappa kingdom even after that so it might not be a big deal for them.

And along those same lines, maybe instead of Sara and Keppi both giving up their shirikodama, maybe Keppi will transplant the two halves of his broken shirikodama into Reo and Mabu. I guess it’s not really that different than the other option, but still. I think it’d at least be a nice bit of symbolism if they end up with two halves of the same shirikodama.

I’ve also been toying with the idea that maybe as part of the whole thing with how they deleted all the tweets from the ReoMabu twitter account, maybe if the finale involves them getting revived, the twitter account will basically be ‘rebooted’ and start posting all new tweets about their post-anime lives together. That’d be a really nice way to turn things around from how depressing the end of ep10 was. And it might be a good way to help balance out the fact that they probably wouldn’t get that much screen time in the finale even if they get revived, so giving them an epilogue story of sorts in twitter form could help make it feel more fleshed out.

In general I’m just gonna be disappointed if they stay dead in the finale, lol. I’m not going to make any harsh judgments or final opinions until the last episode airs, but I just think it’d be lame if their ending is just ‘they died, the end’. It’s obvious what sorta social commentary Ikuhara’s trying to make with them, but I feel like there’d be nothing subversive or interesting about commenting on how gay characters are ‘punished’ for being open about their feelings by just, y’know, effectively doing exactly that. Especially since it feels like Enta’s probably not gonna end up being able to properly tell Kazuki about his feelings either.

But the bottom line is that we just have to wait and see how it pans out. I don’t want to jump to any conclusions. And even if I end up disappointed by it, it wouldn’t make me hate Ikuhara as a content creator or as a person or anything. It’d just make me wish that more people would go about this kind of social commentary by giving gay characters happy endings where they get to be open about themselves.

Anyway, aside from the whole question of if this two will stay dead or not, I think the thing I most want out of the finale is some sort of a concrete explanation of how the ReoMabu manga fits into the whole timeline. We know for a fact that it’s canon to the anime timeline and isn’t some sort of an alternate universe story, but the more I think about it, the harder it is to figure out where it fits in.

It boils down to whether it happened before or after the anime, I guess, but both options don’t make complete sense. It seems more logical to assume that it happened before the anime, but it’s worth noting that the twitter account seems to end right before Reo and Mabu head off to the war, but they never acknowledge Sara at all in the whole twitter account, and I think there was even a tweet they made about Children’s Day ‘not being relevant to them’. Which seems like a hint that they haven’t even met Sara by that point.

But it happening after the anime comes with some more obvious inconsistencies. Though honestly I prefer this option, and I think a lot of questions about it could be solved if we assume it takes place post-anime with Reo and Mabu being revived but with some of their memories erased, and if we assume that the otters are completely defeated by this point.

I think the only thing that seems to concretely ‘date’ the manga is the absence of the Skytree, but I still think that it’s very likely the Skytree might just get destroyed in the finale as part of the big final clash between Keppi and Otter, so I think that’s not necessarily a contradiction. There’s also the fact that in the manga, the name and design of the police station is plate-themed instead of otter-themed, which on paper seems to indicate that it’s taking place before the otters took over, but it might instead indicate that it takes place after they’ve been defeated.

The whole thing with them not recognizing Sara at all in the final chapter of the manga also sticks out to me a lot now that we know Reo and Mabu used to be quite close with Keppi. It just seems like no matter where in the timeline the manga takes place, if they know about Keppi, they should probably be aware of who Sara is. But who knows. I just think it might be a hint that they get their memories of everything related to the kappas and otters erased after the anime.

I also think the whole premise of Sara being abandoned in the human world and conveniently adopted by Reo and Mabu seems more and more baffling the more we learn about them all as characters, and I think it might make more sense if it happens after the anime. Maybe Sara uses up so much of her power that her human form reverts back into being a baby. Who even knows! It’s weird in it’s own way to assume that the princess of the kappa kingdom just got abandoned in the human realm before any of this even happened.

The bit with her reuniting with her manager and Keppi also comes across as being pretty final to me. I get the feeling that she’s leaving the human world forever and isn’t going to be able to come back. Which makes me think that even if most of the manga takes place pre-anime, maybe the final chapter or two alone happens much later. Somehow. 

Then there’s the possibility of time looping being involved and there’s just too many ways it could all play out, lol. I just really want there to be a clearly understandable timeline of events once this is all done, otherwise it’s gonna nag at me forever.

If we find out that the manga happened pre-anime, I think they should have basically adapted it into an episode of the anime somewhere in the second half, to flesh Reo and Mabu out more. But we’ll see.

Also, before I forget, the Sarazanmai twitter account reposting the old PVs is making me wonder if we ever heard Reo’s line from his PV about assumptions being dangerous in the show itself. All of the other lines everyone said in that series of PVs ended up being used in the show itself, but I don’t remember that line of Reo’s ever coming up. I’m definitely just grasping at straws but it makes me hope that maybe it means it’ll be part of the finale. It at least gives me the mental image of him and Mabu appearing at the last minute to help fight against Dark Keppi and the Otters or whatever, and them being like ‘BITCH U THOUGHT!!! >:^)’

I don’t really have as many concrete predictions for what’ll happen with the main trio, even though they’re gonna be the focus of the finale. Mostly I just hope this doesn’t end with Kazuki making a wish to turn back time. I feel like that wouldn’t really fit the whole narrative and message of this show. And honestly there’s only so much that could even be ‘fixed’ by turning back time. Like, sure Kazuki might be able to improve his personal relationships and maybe prevent Haruka’s accident, but would turning back time do anything about Toi’s family history and Chikai’s criminal ties? Would it do anything about the destruction of the kappa kingdom, or Mabu’s death and rebirth with a mechanical heart? Would it do anything about Enta’s presumably one-sided crush? It just feels like there’s only so much that could even be achieved with that sort of an ending, unless they completely undo everything. But going by how ep6 played out, I don’t think Ikuhara’s planning on that sort of ending. I just want this to end with the main trio having to move on with their lives and live with the consequences of how everything turned out.

But if we exclude the possibility of time looping and whatnot, I don’t really have any strong ideas about how things might turn out with them. But I guess all they really need to do is just save Toi from venturing outside the circle, and after that they can just deal with the rest of their lives together.

The big wildcard seems to be the fact that we’re finally gonna figure out the true meaning of the very first scene in ep1, which is still one big question mark. It does come across like it’s hinting at some kind of a time loop, but who knows. One way or another I feel like I might end up rewatching ep1 right after the finale. It’ll be interesting to see if it carries any additional meaning after all that.

And on the topic of ep1, even aside from that very first scene, I’ve always kept thinking back to how part of ep1 involved some narrative misdirection where we found out that in the scene at the car garage, ‘Sara’ was just Kazuki cross-dressing. It just seems interesting to me that that level of outright misdirection and lying to the viewer hasn’t really come up again, outside of Enta’s delusions. So I’ve just been wondering if it might ever come up again somehow. Though I also can’t help but hope that his cross-dressing will come up again one way or another since it kinda got unceremoniously dropped after ep6, so maybe I’m just grabbing at straws, lol. I do feel like it’d be a bit of a shame if there’s no actual deeper link between Kazuki and Sara, one way or another.

Though on that note, I do think it’s still pretty likely that if the ending involves her leaving the human realm, we might get an epilogue scene that shows that Kazuki’s basically taken her place as the local idol/TV presenter. Which I think would be a cute way to tie everything together.

In terms of happy epilogue type stuff with the main trio, I think it’d also make sense if we see them all playing soccer together.

I don’t really have much investment in shipping any of them, but part of me’s still holding out hope for a polyamory ending. But the more it goes on the more it does feel like Ikuhara doesn’t plan to really go anywhere super substantial with any of them in terms of their romantic relationships. Which is fine. I think it’d probably just be kinda sad if this ends with two of them getting together and one of them being ‘left out’. I’d rather it be an all or nothing type of thing.

Even the ep11 synopsis hints at the idea of them wishing for something at the end of all this, but I don’t know if that means they’ll literally make a wish with a dish of hope in the finale, after Kazuki just used his to save Enta. It might just be more about them finally bonding properly as a trio and resolving to keep living together.

But I do still think that Sara’s gonna make a wish on her own secret dish of hope, though. And if that happens I think the only things she’d really want to wish for would be related to saving Reo and Mabu, or turning back time completely.

All in all, as much as I want to go into this finale with restrained hopes and measured expectations, I still feel like this is the most stressed I’ve felt about an anime finale ever since Yuri on Ice, lmao. It’s gonna be really sad to see this all end. Even if we still have Migi’s manga adaptation and the second LN volume to look forward to afterwards.

[looselucy]

Childhood friends / 6244 words

Catch up

March 2017

Part One

To say I skipped downstairs merrily would be an alarming understatement. All I could think about was the fact that Harry was my boyfriend. All I could think about was how ridiculously happy we’d been the night before, the initial beginnings of our rekindling seeming to wash away and be replaced by this new commencement, which was so innocent and sweet that I almost felt like we were kids again. Just two teenagers who were trying to figure out their feelings as the same time as knowing that it was something special, like you’d do anything for them because you were foolish and young and smitten. It hit me directly in the chest to walk into the kitchen and see my mother sat there looking so miserable.

“Morning.” I greeted, trying to keep my chipper mood. “Kettles just boiled.” She said, almost no emotion in her voice. I tried not to roll my eyes as I sulked over to the cupboards and grabbed a mug, hoping that our conversation wouldn’t be a sour one even though I was absolutely sure it would be. “Are you really mad at me?” I sighed, preparing my cup of tea. “No.” “Well, you’re acting like you are.” “I just don’t know why you didn’t tell me!” She got straight to the point. “There was nothing to tell, mum!” I groaned. “It’s been… complicated. I didn’t even know it was a… thing. It wasn’t that I was withholding anything from you, it was just that I didn’t even know if there was anything to tell you about.” She remained quiet until my drink was made and I’d pulled up a chair across from her, staring her out until she finally spoke again, because I knew she had a lot to say, and I was practically going to force her to say it. I wanted to get everything out in the open again before I went back to Swanage. “Is he your boyfriend?” “He is, yeah. It happened last night.” “Which means that more has been happening before last night and you never told me!” “Okay, yes… We’ve been meeting but it wasn’t serious. And then suddenly it was but… Okay. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. It genuinely was pretty complicated until last night and… we decided we want to figure it out together. I mean… it’s Harry. He has a lot going on and… it’s not going to be easy but that’s what we’re doing. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner, but do you understand why I wouldn’t?” “I do, yes. I’m not mad at you, Sweetie. I miss you a lot and I like it when we share.” “I know. I’m sorry.” “Is that why he was asking me about you last month?” “Yeah. See, we weren’t even speaking then!” I told her, wide-eyed. “A month ago, we literally weren’t speaking. There was nothing to say.” She seemed like she was easing with the more she was learning, suddenly lifting her mug and her eyelids, and it was nice to feel like we were just having a bit of a gossip rather than her interrogating me. That was how I’d wanted it to be. That was how I had planned it being before her nose had lead her outside the evening before and she’d seen us backed up against the garden wall. I was still cringing. “Why weren’t you talking?” She asked before taking a big sip. “He said he was going to be too busy, and I was… reluctant to tell him how I was feeling about anything.” Suddenly, her face dropped again, and I could tell what I’d just said had bothered her for a few reasons. It wasn’t hard to figure out, because it probably bothered her for the same reasons those words had been bothering me. Harry telling me how busy he was going to be in order to end our original agreement was something that had played on my mind a lot. It was what had almost stopped me from trying things with him on a serious level. “So what changed?” She asked uncomfortably. “Nothing changed. I mean… our attitudes towards it, I guess. We decided… not to care.” I shrugged. “We’re gunna try anyway.” “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” “No.” I managed to chuckle. “But it’s happening.” I think it was in that moment that I realised that my mother had actually been happy that I’d grown up shutting out emotions, shutting out people. We’d both reacted so similarly when my father passed away, dealt with it in perfect unison. I guess a part of me had always predicted that my mother would hate that fact that I’d blocked people out since it happened. I thought she would despise that I’d let it get to me so much that I became physically terrified of allowing people into my life that way. But it was in that very moment that I realised that a huge part of her had wanted me to be that way, hoping that my refusal to let people close would save me from getting hurt. She wanted to keep me from harm in one of the most harmful ways imaginable, and I was just realising. “Lulu, the likeliness of that working is so slim. You’re going to end up… getting hurt, and I don’t-” “Mum, please don’t.” There were tears in my eyes. “It’s taken me eight fucking months… to come to terms with my feelings rather than just… fucking ignoring them like we do. Please don’t make me take any steps backwards now. Mum don’t make me overthink this, please.” “Losing people hurts so much, Lulu!” “I know, mum. I fucking know. I lost someone too!” “But I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, especially not my daughter!” “But that’s life, mum!” I squealed. “I can’t keep avoiding this! I just can’t! If it’s not Harry then it’s going be someone else! I’m scared enough as it is, but I need… I need you on my side, please!” “I just can’t see you get hurt. I can’t.” “I know it’s scary mum… I’m scared. This whole thing is freaking me out, but I can’t… avoid people because of what ifs. People avoid amazing things because of what ifs, and I’ve been told not to be one of those people and I don’t want to be.” She nodded, clearly upset by the entire thing, but she knew she had to accept it. She didn’t want to, not really, but she had to. She must have been waiting for this day, and she would have struggled with it no matter the circumstances. The fact that the boy I’d found myself falling for was Harry just made it even worse. “It doesn’t matter what you say,” I sighed, reaching out and taking her hand in mine. “I’m going to try this with Harry. I just need you there being supportive of it. And I need to know that if it does all go wrong, you’ll be there to help pick up the pieces without saying I told you so.” “Of course I’ll support you.” She trembled, sounding somewhat defeated. “I’m sorry. I know I’m hard work but-” “You’re not hard work, mum. I can’t judge because my attitude was exactly the same as yours until recently, but… we have to try and break down these walls we’ve built. They’re not doing us any good.” She nodded again, and she looked so sad, it killed me. Unlike me, I think my mum had been totally aware of the way she held people at arm’s length, avoided situations that could result in her losing someone and getting hurt. She knew that about herself, always had, whereas for me, I was only just beginning to realise and wrap my head around it. She knew, and she knew she needed to change. We both did. “So, you like him?” “So much.” I sighed, like even talking about it removed a weight from my shoulders. “I mean… I always did but then obviously he fucked off and got famous and like… I dunno. I never thought I’d even see him again properly. He’s so great, mum.” “I know he is! He always has been. I always pinch his little cheeks. He’s very cute.” “He’s insanely cute.” I groaned. “I like him so much. I really think if we try hard enough, we could make this work. We both really want to.” We sat and spoke all morning. I caught her up on what had happened between myself and Harry, she caught me up on the general, extremely uninteresting, happenings of Holmes Chapel, and things seemed to return to normal. I knew she was struggling with it, and maybe she would struggle for a long time to try and be okay with me putting myself in a vulnerable position, but I was glad she was trying.

Part Two

“What did she say?” Harry asked for what felt like the millionth time. “Nothing noteworthy, I promise.” “She was off with me.” “That’s because you had me up against a wall, Harry.” “It’s nothing to do with that and I know it’s not, Little Lulu Lamb. She’s usually overly sweet with me. Is she… Is she not happy, that we’re… y’know?” “It’s fine, Harry. Please drop it.” I felt like my mother had come around, just slightly, but I still didn’t really want to tell Harry about how she’d reacted to the news that I was in a relationship with him. I didn’t want him to think we had anything else going against us. He could tell I was lying, that much was clear, but he finally accepted that I wasn’t going to explain my mother’s worry to him. With a slight eye roll, he sunk into the sofa a little more, flicking through channels, indecisive and sulking like a child. I moved myself, balancing my chin on his shoulder and staring at him awkwardly until it was impossible for him not to smile. “The fuck do you want?” He chuckled. “She’ll come round, I promise. She’s just… She’s like me.” “I get that.” He sighed, turning his head and kissing the tip of my nose. “I just… I hope I can prove to both of you that… you don’t have anything to worry about. M’not gunna hurt you… Okay?” “Okay.” I whispered, fluttering my eyes closed as he kissed the tip of my nose again. “We’re slow learners though, okay? Give us time.” “Got plenty of it.” He cooed, lowering his lips to press against mine. I was living out a fantasy I’d had in my younger years. I was in Harry’s house, lazily kissing him on his sofa, the TV a dull drone of background noise because my lips were his entire focus. It felt so strange. Even when we’d started meeting again, started sleeping together, I had never thought we’d end up there, back in Holmes Chapel in his mum’s house, just innocently kissing one another. It didn’t feel like it could possibly be my life. The feeling was only amplified when he checked over my shoulder to see if he mother was about before he dove back in, his kiss intensifying. “Calm down.” I giggled against his lips, gently trying to push him away from me. “Can’t.” He mumbled, beginning to hitch himself from his side of the sofa, his body smothering mine. “Lulu… I haven’t felt you for almost… two months.” He groaned between kisses. “I’m getting desperate.” “It’s really not the time.” “You’re killing me, Lamb.” “Can’t you have a little patience?” “No.” He replied bluntly, fingers becoming lost in my hair as he yanked on the strands ever so sweetly. “Just… Let’s just…” Almost like she had sensed us getting far too carried away, and probably thinking she would have none of that under her roof, his mother loudly entered the room as though to give Harry enough warning so he could leap off me and the two of us could pretend we were being innocent and she could pretend we were too. “Hello, you two.” She greeted knowingly. “Hi!” I replied shyly, Harry groaning as quietly as he could, not impressed. “Lulu, are you staying for food?” “I wish I could, but I need to get home pretty soon. Thank you, though.” A think a small part of me wanted to get away sooner rather than later, because suddenly I wasn’t just spending time with Anne, a woman I’d known since I was small, a woman who I knew how to talk to. Suddenly I was very aware that she was my boyfriend’s mother, and I was slightly terrified that she would hate me. There was a pressure there that hadn’t been there previously. “Are you sure? You’re more than welcome to.” “Another time.” I smiled. “Saying that,” Harry saved me. “I’m gunna go pack. We’ll set off in ten.” He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before he was bouncing his way upstairs, as energetic as always, and leaving the two of us alone. I got up, approaching her and trying my best not to be nervous. “You look so tense!” She giggled kindly, making me very aware that my efforts were falling flat. “I feel tense!” I admitted. “That’s absolutely ridiculous.” “I know, I know.” I groaned, leaning onto the kitchen counter beside her as she began washing the copious amounts of glasses that had been used the evening before. “I’m sorry.” “I like that you two are figuring things out, despite the delay.” She smiled. “It’s nice to see him looking so… settled with someone. There’ve been a few people he’s liked and introduced us to, but he never seemed… as comfortable as he does with you.” “You serious?” I gawped. “We pick up on these things, us mothers.” “Hm.” I looked downwards, letting out a big swell of air. “Think you might need to have a few words with our Susan then.” My bitter disappointment was loud within my quiet voice, forcing Anne’s once happy face to lower, watching me carefully. “What happened?” She asked quietly, as though nervous of what she could and couldn’t ask me. Anne had a warmth in her tone, whereas my mother’s voice had been cold and hesitant. I wished my mum could see it the way Harry’s was. I wish she could be happy seeing me settled and opening up and finally accepting my feelings rather than shunning them. Anne was making it as clear as she could that she was happy for the two of us, and it would have been amazing to see the same thing from the only family I had. I swallowed thickly before I spoke. “You remember when my dad died?” I was shaking. “I do.” She nodded. “She… She broke down.” I gasped, like the words were released from me rather than spoken. “She just… completely broke down and shut off and… things got easier but I’m not sure she ever fully… I dunno. I’m not sure she ever fully got better, y’know?” “Well, he was a wonderful man.” “I know he was. He was amazing. And I struggled with it too, like… I’m not saying I handled it any better than she did, but… she’s just so cautious about me getting myself into situations where I could get hurt. She hated it when I went to uni. She hates that I don’t live at home. And… this morning I spoke to her about me and Harry and… she came round a little but I can tell she’s not too happy with it. She worries about me all the time and it’s exhausting.” Anne nodded confidently, and I couldn’t gather whether that was because she completely understood my side of things, or if she completely understood my mother’s side of things. Or maybe it was both. “I’ll talk to her about it.” “Anne, you don’t-” “When you moved to university, she came to speak to me about how I coped when Harry flew the nest. We talk to each other about these things, Lulu. I promise I’ll be able to talk a bit of sense into her, and make her open up a bit. I’ve done it before.” I gave her a soft smile, trying to show that I appreciated her efforts even though I wasn’t sure she’d be able to get through to her fully, but that warmth in her voice was infectious, something she’d managed to pass down to Harry too, and I hoped that she could talk some sense into Susan Lambert, because it was long overdue. And I knew if anyone was up for the job, it would be her. “Thank you.” I whispered. “I think you’ll both need this ride to be as easy as it can be.” I nodded, already alarmingly aware that it wasn’t likely things would be easy for us, but hearing other people acknowledging that only a day into our relationship wasn’t really easy. But I knew that mentally, there wasn’t anything that could make me change my mind or turn around and give up at that stage. All that mattered to me, deep down, was me and Harry, and how we were feeling. Everyone else’s thoughts and feelings were just background noise to me. Harry hopped downstairs just a few seconds later, myself and Anne dropping the conversation quickly. She shot me a wink that confirmed to me that our conversation would remain private, and I was very quickly reminded of how wonderful the woman was, and that I should stop worrying. “Ready when you are.” Harry said, with a quick kiss to my cheek.

Part Three

The two of us were in relatively high spirits to say we couldn’t really find a way to cram one another into our schedules for the foreseeable future as we cruised down the motorway. I guess we both knew it would be so common, it probably wasn’t worth getting upset over. That was just how things were going to be. “So what are your plans then?” I quizzed. “Um, well, we’re kinda in the process of deciding the album cover and stuff. Did this really sick shoot the other week and I think we’ll use one of those. We’ve gone with this really cool pink theme.” “Pink?” I squealed excitedly. “Yeah. Kinda reminded me of the colour your cheeks go when I say the right thing.” He smirked, turning to look at me. “IT’S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!” “FUCK OFF!” I cried, slapping away his pointed finger. “Leave me be.” “It’s a brilliant colour. Possibly my favourite.” “Stop!” I shrieked. “Moving on, what are your plans when the single comes out?” “Uhhh… got some pretty hectic… schedules. Just, loads of promo stuff. Gunna be in London to start but then I’ve got a lot happening in the US too, so… Yeah. It’s exciting.” “I’m excited for you! Excited to hear your stuff. Hope it’s not shit.” “Hey!” “Well I do hope it’s not shit! I’m a terrible liar. I wouldn’t know how to bullshit my way through it.” He started nervously tapping his fingers on the steering wheel, biting his bottom lip and shooting me a stare that I couldn’t quite figure out. “Okay, let’s put that to the test.” He nodded, relatively confident. “Look in the glove compartment.” “Huh?” I baffled. “Just look!” He whelped. “There’s a blank CD in there. Get it out.” “Are you serious?” My eyes went wide as it dawned on me. “Deadly.” My eyes remained wide as I reached in front of me and pulled open the compartment, an abundance of unorganised CD cases falling outwards, and one blank CD nestled nicely on the top of them. I held it in my hands like it was the most delicate thing my fingertips had ever had the honour of caressing. “Is this-” “It’s my single.” “Oh my god, no, Harry, I can’t! I’m too nervous.” “You’re too nervous? Are you kidding me? How do you think I feel?” “Oh god. Oh god. Do you really trust me enough for this?” “How many times do I need to tell you that I trust you more than… fucking most people in my life before you believe me?” “Most? But not all? I’m offended.” “WOULD YOU STOP BEING A KNOB AND JUST PUT THE CD IN?” I bit my bottom lip to hold back my giggles as I finally plucked up the courage to insert the blank CD into the spot, nerves punching at my stomach and forcing me to steady my breathing.I'm not too sure why I was so nervous. Harry had kept extremely quiet about his career, for a few reasons. He was scared, for one, I knew that. His career was also one of the main things that had kept us from being together a little sooner, so maybe we avoided talking about it on some level.And then on top of that, he was incredibly private about what it was he was doing. I think only a handful of people knew about what his plans were, in full at least. All I knew was that he had a single coming out, and the film, and that the whole thing terrified him so much that he tried not to think about it too often.To think I was just about to hear something that I knew he'd poured his entire soul into, was putting me on edge. “If you genuinely do hate it,” He shuddered. “Just… humour me. Lie to the best of your ability.” “I don’t wanna lie to you!” “Then I guess you’ll just have to like it!” “WHY IS IT TAKING SO LONG TO START?” “THERE’S A GAP IN THE SHIT RECORDING WE’VE GOT! WE’RE TRYING TO MAKE SURE IT’S NOT LEAKED! FOR FUCK SAKE, LULU, JUST WAIT!” So I did. I went completely silent, and still the track didn’t start.I felt like I wasn’t fucking breathing, and it dragged on and on to the point where I thought he might have been joking with me the whole time. And then it happened, these incredibly soft piano keys that I hadn’t been expecting, soaring through the car, haunting me. I ejected the CD almost immediately. We fell back into another short silence before Harry spoke. “Um… I have to say… that’s my worst reaction so far, out of anyone who I’ve let listen to it.” “No no no Harry holy shit no.” I slapped my hands against my mouth, making my jumbled words even less clear than they already were. “I was expecting guitars! I was expecting something heavy like… what the fuck am I about to listen to?” “Will you please just put the fucking CD back in? This is killing me.” I did as I was told, and this time we stayed silent the entire time, waiting that ridiculous amount of time once more before the track started to play again, and I was just as overwhelmed the second time around, like I still wasn’t fully expecting it. I covered my mouth again, physically shaking, and I somehow knew I was going to cry. I was bound to. It was my boyfriend, singing, on his own track. The pianos alone had been enough. His opening line was an instruction to stop crying, and I found myself doing the opposite. It was beautiful. It was so fucking beautiful and visceral and consuming that I couldn’t find the words. I thought I’d end up screaming at him throughout the whole thing, pointing out bits I liked and lyrics I thought were good, notes that he’d hit perfectly, but I couldn’t. I just sat perfectly still, perfectly quiet, streams of tears rolling down my cheeks. When the song started lifting, I felt like my heart was going to burst. All before Harry decided to fucking kill me by singing along. Singing at the top of his lungs, a beautiful rasp in his voice and his jaw so tight he could cut glass, we got to get away, over and over, loud and beautiful and perfect. He sang to it so perfectly it was like the words and the rhythm and the soul of the song had been etched into his being his whole life. Like it was just a part of him. Like it meant everything to him. He sang along beautifully until it ended, as softly as it had begun, and then he turned to look at me, a shy smile on his lips. “So?” “I don’t know what to say.” “Am I naive to think the tears are a good sign?” “Not at all.” I finally moved my hands. “Haz, it’s amazing!” “If you are lying, you’re good at it.” “I promise I’m not lying! It’s beautiful. It’s just… not what I was expecting. At all! I think I’ve just fallen a little bit more in love with you.” Even though he was looking out at the endless road ahead of us, I could see the sparkle in his eyes after I’d said that, and the relief he felt that I’d enjoyed it. Truly. “Good.” He chuckled lightly. “S’about time you catch up, Little Lulu Lamb. Pretty sure I’ve fallen the whole way down.”

Part Four

There was something tender and yet strong in the way that Harry held my hand. Softly, rubbing his thumb over my skin in a marvellously soothing way. And yet his grip was tight, like I couldn’t physically pull my hand from his even if I really tried. It was lovely. We wandered down the hallways of my building, and the second that my door came into sight, I felt a little sick. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. “Thank you for coming home for my… little reveal.” He smiled down to me, my bag slung over his shoulder. “I really appreciate it.” “It was great. Thanks for having me.” “And thanks for asking me out! I appreciate that too.” “Well, don’t bloody make me regret it.” I warned. “I’ll try my best not to.” He sniggered. We stopped outside my front door, Harry quickly dropping my bag down to the floor and then gazing down to me, letting out this huge sigh, like he didn’t really know what to say. I grabbed at his t-shirt, pulling him a little closer to me as I pressed my back to the door. “Stay in touch, okay?” I requested. “Mm. I will. Promise.” “And don’t miss me too much.” “Now that, I can’t promise.” He began to play with my hair. “Always miss you when you’re not around. But… I went six years without seeing you. Think I can… Think I can get through this.” “You weren’t missing me then.” I shook my head. “I was.” He said confidently. I could only look up to him for a second before he’d slammed his lips onto mine, gripping his hands against my jaw and banging his hips so that I was trapped against the door, moaning into his mouth and gripping at his sides. “Lulu, I need you.” He grunted, lips still lavishing mine. “If you don’t open this door and let us in, right now, I’m gunna bend you over in this fucking hallway and-” The sound of a door opening down the corridor forced him to pull his lips fully away from mine and put hand his head down instantly, the two of us distancing, but once again it was almost impossible to look innocent. We were a little dishevelled. Thankfully, Harry’s back was turned to my nosy neighbour as I watched him eye us up suspiciously whilst he locked his door, shooting me an awkward smile before he left, leaving the two of us to gather ourselves. I straightened my hair a little, reaching down to my bag and finding my keys. “I kinda wanted to make you wait.” I had been totally unaware of how breathless I was until I spoke. “Kinda wanted to test you a little.” “I hate that idea.” “I thought you might.” “You still wanna go through with it?” “I’m thinking about it.” I had kind of loved the idea of us entering a stage in our relationship where sex wasn’t really involved. We’d started that way. There had been a while where we pretended that was all we were, there for sex and nothing else. I’d had this ridiculous idea that we could at least try to hold off it for a while, prove to myself that things were different now. It wasn’t so easy to stick to that plan when he looked at me the way he was doing then, like he wanted to consume me in every single way he could. He knew exactly how to make me weak, and flustered, and it seemed like he’d known it from the first time he appeared at my door, still covered in dirt from shooting the film and etching this achingly gorgeous smirk across his lips. He fucking knew how to do it then, and his knowledge had only grown over time. I opened the door and went inside, turning around to look at him. So much had changed, and at the same time, everything felt the same. “I’m not gunna force you to do anything.” He swallowed. “But… I’ll fucking beg if I have to.” I tried to restrain my smile, biting at my bottom lip and seeing the look on his face, and he was deadly serious. “Okay.” I nodded. “Beg me.” “Let me in.” He began immediately, like he knew I was going to make him beg. “I’m desperate to feel you again. I feel like I’ve been starved of you over the past few months. I’m fucking… obsessed with your mind, but your body… that little freckle beside your bellybutton… the way you feel when I’m inside you. I’m craving it. I wanna remember every single inch of you. I’m begging you to let me in. I’m begging you to let me fuck you.” It was no surprise that I couldn’t find the words to reply to him, because I didn’t have the same equilibrium as Harry did. The only thing I could do was grab at the hem of my dress, and lift it swiftly up and over my head. By the time the material was off my body, and I could see him again, the smug little grin on his face only made me more eager for what was coming. He stormed inside and slammed the door shut, throwing himself at me, and we fell backwards, uncomfortably onto my sofa, his hand scraping up my body and then grasping at my breast, shuffling slightly so that we could find some kind of comfort in the position we’d landed. Everything felt so rushed, so in the moment and hot as Harry reached his hand down, unbuckling his belt with little to no effort, still kissing me as he sorted himself out, pulling down his pants as soon as he could, and only to the exact amount he needed to do what he wanted. It was only seconds later that he rushed to push my underwear to the side, and jolt his hips forward with a hard thud, and then he was inside me, my neck snapping back and curse words falling out of me. It felt like fucking years since I’d been with him that way. I’d almost forgotten how good he felt. His body seemed to shiver from head to toe as he pulsed a little further into me and pushed up on the sofa, letting out a throaty moan as he did, lips so plump it felt as though they were wasted when they weren’t exploring my skin. “Kiss me.” I gasped. “Look who’s begging now.” He continued to get cockier. “Just fucking kiss me, Styles.” He licked his lips before moving his mouth back to mine and bucking his hips up to my body, the harsh jolt sending bolts of bliss spiralling through me like lighting. He tugged harshly on my hair so that my neck was more revealed to him as he lowered his lips down over my jaw and then kissing from my collarbone upwards, thrusting into me beautifully, and then beginning to bite at my neck. His body was heavy on mine, hands harsh against my body, obviously eager and desperate. I loved the way he made me feel. I loved how sexual he was, like when we were together that way, nothing else mattered other than the two of us, how we felt when we were together, the way our bodies worked together like they were made me meet. I knew there would probably come a time where we would be tender with one another. I could tell in the way he kissed me. Touched me. Looked at me. I could even tell from the time that he’d gotten his cuffs and his collar. He had this incredibly tender and vulnerable side to him when it came to sex, it just wasn’t something he revealed too often. I wanted to experience every single side of him. I hoped I would, no matter how rare our meetings would be. “Love it when I fuck you like this, don’t you, Baby?” He moved his lips back up to my ear before he spoke, his short fingernails digging into the top of my leg. “M’always so hard for you.” “H-Harry… fuck-” “Put your hands round my throat.” “Fuck, what?” He lifted his body again, still driving into me, the muscles in his arms tense as he hovered his body over mine, biting his lip and moving so quickly I could literally feel my body getting weaker, all that happening whilst I was still trying to wrap my head around what he’d just asked me to do. “Lulu, put your hands round my throat. C’mon. Please.” “Fuck. Fuck.” I slowly started raising my hands upwards, clasping the two of them around his neck as gently as I physically could even though I knew that wasn’t what he wanted. I just felt a little overwhelmed in that moment, not necessarily surprised, just overwhelmed. His bite on his bottom lip intensified, and with it, I let my hands tighten, and the noise that came from within his throat, vibrating so much that I could feel his pleasure in the palm of my hand, proved I was finally holding hard enough. He somehow started pushing even harder into me, his eyes gripped shut so tightly that his laughter lines creased the skin beside his eyes, his dimples digging into his cheeks he was biting down so hard. Passion and pleasure appeared bright red across his skin, random blotches of the beautiful colour introducing itself to him, and I knew he was on the edge. All I had to do was lick my lips and grip that little bit tighter, and he came, letting out this high pitched, hoarse noise. I loved that it was obvious how desperate he’d been for us to fuck just in the short amount of time he’d managed to last. I knew he wouldn’t have the strength to keep his body upright, so when he dropped, his body landing on top of mine with an endearing thud, my hands went from being around his throat, to my arms being around his body, cuddling him. I loved that we could go from one extreme to other in literally seconds. I kissed his cheek over and over again as he calmed down, becoming limp inside of me. “You’re a dirty fucker.” I eventually giggled before kissing him again. “Fuck, I know.” He groaned, turning his head so that my lips would catch his. “Please still love me.” “I kinda love it.” I stroked my fingers through his hair. “You bring out… this side of me I didn’t know I had.” The tiniest smile introduced itself to his lips, somewhere between flattered and relieved. “I fucking love you.” He spoke with zeal. “Harry-” “No, Lulu, I mean. I’m not falling! That part’s over!” He lifted as much as his weak body would allow, looking down to me. “I’ve been… falling in love with you since I was thirteen years old. I love you. I’m in love with you.” There was a huge lump in my throat as I looked up to him, and again it was like I needed more time to process what he’d said to me than he was allowing. It was different to him saying he was falling. That had felt hopeful. When he’d said that, it had felt like it was just the beginning of something, like maybe one day he’d love me fully. It had come around much quicker than I’d thought it would. And what scared me the most was that it wasn’t just his words that felt a little pre-emptive, but it was how I felt. Because I felt exactly the same way. It was probably hard for him to see that, since I hadn’t said a word. “Lulu?” “You’re in love with me?” “Madly.” He nodded, and I was quiet again. “You don’t have to say-” “I love you too.” I spat out, quivering. “Yeah?” Fuck, the smile on his face was perfect. “Yeah, I… Yeah. I love you. I fucking love you.” I trembled, and he kissed me again, to soothe the shakes.

[bazypitchandsimonsnow]

The Black Swan

Chapter 10

Rating: T

Genre: Angst

Word count: 5117

Chapter: 10/17 (All chapters)

Summary: Simon knows he has to talk to Baz. But that doesn't make it easier.

Read on AO3

AN: Please don't hate me for this chapter. Also I am freaking the fuck out about the Wayward Son cover, I'm so excited!!!!!!!

———————————————

Simon had been standing just outside the invisibility barrier for an hour. He kept walking away then coming back. Away, back, away, back, over and over, until his feet had left deep impressions in the dirt. His emotions were a tangled mess he couldn’t understand. There had been a pit in his stomach since this morning.

The second they had gotten back to the castle, Simon had told David he was tired and went to his room. Simon spent ages sitting in his room, shaking with panic and fear. His whole world felt like it as collapsing in on itself. Baz knew now. Baz knew he was a prince, and worse, he knew Simon hadn’t told him. Simon had no idea how Baz was going to react. The very idea of Baz having a negative reaction made his chest so tight he couldn’t breathe. It was miracle he had made his way out of the window tonight without falling into another breathless panic. He was terrified.

Which was why he was standing just outside, hand tight on his rucksack strap, terrified of what he would see when he walked through.

But he was home. And he wanted to see Baz, no matter what.

So Simon stepped through.

He scaled down the tree roots and hit the ground with a thump. And when he looked up, Baz wasn’t standing and waiting for him like the time before Simon left. He was sitting on the ground, far away, back towards Simon and facing the lake. His black hair blew soft in the wind. He didn’t move. Simon knew Baz had incredible hearing, so he had to have heard Simon. But he wasn’t turning around.

“Hi, Baz,” Simon said weakly, “I’m back. From the west.”

“I saw,” Baz replied. His voice was colder than frozen tundras. Simon shivered and pulled in on himself.

“Yeah. I, uh, saw you too. You go to that pond often? I’ve never seen you there before.”

“No.”

“Oh. Okay.”

The silence fell again. Simon found it strange how completely reversed their roles had become. How Simon, known for his lack of words, was saying so much and Baz was saying so little. And that said so, so much more.

Simon walked aimlessly around the ground. “I-I didn’t know you’d be there.”

Baz scoffed. The sound pierced Simon’s heart. “Obviously.”

“I didn’t even want to do that procession. It’s stupid. But my guardian he-”

“Simon,” Baz hissed. He finally turned his head. A deep scowl pulled on his mouth, and fire burned in his eyes. “Enough dancing around it. Fucking admit it.”

Simon gulped down the lump in his throat. His knuckles were white on the rucksack strap. He looked down at the ground, because looking Baz in the eye when he said it was too difficult.

“I’m...I’m a prince, of Watford,” he said.

“A prince?” Baz asked. “So there are more of you royal spawn?”

“N-No, just me. I’m the only prince.” He stepped forward. “Baz, I’m-”

“So you’re the heir then.” Baz said it matter of factly, but there was a hint of derision that made Simon flinch. “You’re going to get the entire bloody kingdom one day then, yes?”

Simon rubbed at the back of his neck. “I mean, yeah.”

“So you’ll be ruling over everyone one day? Technically including me?”

“Yeah, I guess...” Simon didn’t like to think about ruling over anyone, let alone Baz.

Baz chuckled, low in his throat and menacing. He ran a hand through his hair, pushing the strands back. “Wow. I honestly never would have pinned you for a prince. Simon, who stumbles over his words and finds Natasha Pitch’s books boring, is going to be king. May the gods save Watford. It’s bloody doomed the second you take the throne.”

Simon physically flinched. It wasn’t anything he didn’t know, but it hurt to hear. Especially from Baz. He thought he was safe from all his royal crap in the lake. Not anymore.

“Baz, I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I know I should’ve told you-”

“You’re damn right you should have,” Baz snapped. He finally stood up. His scowl didn’t lessen, and he crossed his arms over his chest. “I should know when my dueling partner is a prince. That way I won’t risk spilling his royal guts out on the forest floor and having my head cut off.”

“We spar with sticks,” Simon muttered.

“Well, scratching a prince would get me the same execution sentence.” He chuckled again, and it still wasn’t happy at all. “I should’ve guessed, really. All the clues were there. Overprotective ambitious father, surprising amount of good books, unrealistic made up childhood story.”

Simon’s head snapped up so fast his neck hurt. “What!? I didn’t make up stuff about my childhood!”

Baz snorted and looked to the side. “Sure, the heir to a throne used to be a poor mistreated orphan. I always thought it sounded a bit off even when I thought you were common or a social climber, and now it all makes even more sense. You were making it up to appear lower class and relatable to me. Is your common accent fake too?”

Simon vigorously shook his head. “No! T-This is how I sound! And I did grow up in an orphanage! I was left there when I was only a few days old!”

“And I’m supposed to believe that?!” Baz’s eyes were like daggers. He marched towards Simon with clenched fists. “I’m supposed to believe that someone who wears an embroidered tunic and golden crown while riding through the streets on a white horse grew up like that? When it’s far more likely he just told me some made up a sob story to make me think he could understand anything I was going through?!”

Simon stumbled back. He had never seen Baz so angry. He had never seen anyone so angry. But worse than anger, Simon saw the way Baz’s eyes and lips quivered. He was hurt. Simon had hurt him, and that was so unbelievably worse.

“Baz,” he said softly, “I do understand.”

“How?!” Baz roared. “I live alone in a fucking lake, spending my days as a bird, forced to eat fucking worms to survive. You live in a bloody castle getting waited on hand and foot all day! Tell me, what part of our lives are at all similar?!”

Simon rubbed his own forearm furiously. “Well, uh, I-I feel alone too. My guardian, the king, he keeps me away from all my friends a lot. I only get to see you because I sneak out of my tower.”

Baz rolled his eyes dramatically. “Oh poor you, being alone in a huge castle, with lots of food and servants, not having to worry if your captor is going to finally kill you the next time he comes around!”

Simon lowered his head. “I-I guess I don’t get that part. But I can still be sympathetic.” He took the smallest, the most cautious step toward him. “I can still be here for you. I want to. I want to break your curse-”

“Is that what this is about?” Baz narrowed his eyes very suspiciously. “Is that why you came back here to see me the second time? Why you come back at all? You hate your restrictive privileged prince life, so you get a little reprieve by wrapping yourself up in my mysterious curse.” He snorted unkindly. “No wonder you were so eager for us to study it. You liked the adventure, not me. You never cared.”

“What?! What, no! That’s not it! Of course I care, I-” Simon stumbled back again, a hand on his forehead. He didn’t think Baz was right at first, of course. But...maybe he did have a point. Simon wanted to be a hero, not a prince, sure. At least, he had at the beginning. Now he was pretty sure he just wanted to help Baz be free. Because he truly cared for Baz, not just his curse. Right?

Baz scoffed. “I should’ve known. What normal person would want to see a cursed teenager in a lake all the time? No, just a weirdo ‘adopted’ prince who wants to escape his oh so dreadful royal duties with a little mystery.” He turned around and walked back towards his lake. “Like you could actually understand what hardship is.”

Simon’s blood instantly boiled. He threw his bag to the ground, fists clenched, and marched towards him.

“Hey!” He shouted. “That’s not fair! Just because my life isn’t as shitty as your’s doesn’t mean I don’t know what hardship is! My childhood, i-it was one horror after another.” Baz scoffed, a recurring sound for him tonight. Simon growled, grabbed his shoulder, and forced him to turn around. “Look at me, arsehole! I got left at an orphanage when I was a baby, with nothing but the basket I came in and my name written on my arm. I slept in a filthy bed for eleven years. The older kids liked to kick me in the stomach and head for fun. The matron once backhanded me so hard my jaw was nearly came off. It took me years to learn to speak properly. I didn’t say my first word until I was six! I’ve been taking care of myself s-since, practically since I was fucking born!”

“Poor you, the tragic prince,” Baz muttered.

Simon started seeing red. “Yes! Poor me! My life wasn’t as shit as yours is now but that doesn’t mean you get to dismiss it, you self pitying wanker!”

Baz clenched his fist even harder. “But you’re royalty now. You have a perfect life.”

“It’s not perfect! It just sucks in a different way, you know that. And I’m only here because-” Simon sighed angrily and ran a hand over his face. “Y’know why King David adopted me? Because when I was eleven, I had a dream that I was on fire. When I woke up, the building was blown to pieces. And I was in the middle of all of it. My skin was glowing too. Turned out my magic had appeared in a really explosive way. I had somehow...transported everyone away, but I didn’t know that at first. I-I thought I had killed them. Everyone I knew.” Simon pressed against his forehead. He hadn’t talked about what happened since he told Penelope and Agatha when they were thirteen. The memories still stung.

“The matron,” he whispered, “she called me a curse and threw me on the street. I slept in a dirty drain for five days, fucking alone and hungry and freezing to death. I nearly died. Then I woke up one morning, and the king was standing over me. He told me I was going to be a prince. So of course I went with him. I was homeless and fucking eleven. I thought I was finally going to be a hero like in my storybooks. But it turned out I’m horrible at real prince work. And David doesn’t give much more of a shit about me than the matron, really. I’ve always been respectful because he took me in, but honestly, you're right. He’s a prick and I’m just something useful to him. And, well, I’m not even that useful. I’m a shit mage and an even shittier prince. You already know half of that. My life is just being a constant disappointment. I-It’s not as bad as you, but it’s still not good. I never lied about that.”

Simon finally looked up. And his heart shattered, because Baz’s face was completely blank.  There was not a single emotion on his stupid pretty visage. That was even worse than him being angry.

“I-I should’ve told you all this, Baz, I know.”

Baz leaned down closer, so close their noses almost touched. But Simon didn’t like it this time. “But you didn’t,” he growled. “You lied to me.

“I never actually lied!” Simon shouted. “I just, left out some parts.”

“And that’s supposed to be better?!” Baz threw his arms up. “You deceived me, Simon. You let me think you were someone different. You made me think you actually cared about me!”

“I do, Baz!” Simon stepped closer. He cautiously placed a hand on Baz’s face, tracing a thumb over his beautiful cheekbone. Baz didn’t push him away. His eyes even fluttered shut, nearly leaning into the touch. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I do care. And I still want to see you.”

Baz took a deep breath, his chest slowly inflating and deflating, eyes squeezed shut. Then they opened And when that bored mask slid over his face again, Simon’s heart shattered in his chest.

“Well,” Baz said as he pushed his hand away, “I don’t.”

Simon’s arm fell limp to his side. Tears pricked the corners of his eyes. “Please, Baz. I-I care, I want to help you get free!”

Baz crossed his arms over his chest. “I don’t want your help, Simon. I don’t want to see you ever again.”

Simon stepped forward, and Baz stepped back. “Please, Baz-”

“Go,” Baz hissed. “Just, go. ”

When Simon reached out, Baz didn’t even try to do the same. Simon felt the tear roll down his cheek. It felt like a trail of fire his skin.

“I’m sorry, Baz, I’m so sorry. Please don’t do this. I-I have something. I can brea-”

“I don’t care what you have to say, Simon. It’s over. Just leave, and don’t come back. I don’t want you here ever again.” He turned away, letting Simon only look at his stoic back. “I was fine on my own before. I don’t need you. You can go.”

Baz’s voice was so cold, so void of any feeling. Like Simon and everything between them was meaningless. Simon’s sorrow quickly turned to anger. He clenched his fists and glared daggers into Baz’s back.

“Fine!’ he shouted. “Be like that! I won’t come back. Be alone forever, for all I care. Enjoy your lonely cursed life, Baz!”

Simon stomped away, scooping up his rucksack as he went. He scaled the wall with furious urgency. And he didn’t even turn back to look at Baz.

But the moment he was beyond the glamour, alone in the quiet woods, the despair settled in his heart again. Simon took a deep, shaky breath. It felt like the ground had opened up under. Everything had just fallen to pieces. Simon didn’t want to be alone right now. And there was one place he knew he needed to go.

———————————————

Simon banged on the door lightly at first. He knew Mr. and Mrs. Bunce were out of town, and most of Penelope's other siblings were at Mage’s School. Except for the youngest, who slept so heavily a bear attack could happen and he’d still be in dreamland. But no one responded. So he banged harder and harder, loud enough he barely heard the steps coming down the stairs.

Penelope ripped the door open. Her hair was disheveled and her robe wasn’t even done up. She looked furious, then it shifted to more confused than anything.

“Simon?” she hissed. “What the Hell are you doing here?! It’s the middle of the night!”

Simon opened his mouth, but no words came out. They clogged up his throat and tangled his vocal chords up so the only sound he made was a choked sob. Penny’s face immediately fell. She stepped forward and grabbed his foreman.

“What’s wrong, Si? Are you okay?”

Simon tried to speak again, and this time, all that came out were tears. Penny immediately wrapped her arms around him. He pressed his face into her shoulder and held her tight. She stroked his hair softly.

“It’s alright,” she whispered. “Whatever it is, it’s alright, Simon.”

“No,” he sobbed. “It’s not, Pen. I fucked up, I fucked up so bad.”

Penny’s grip got tighter. “Are you in danger?”

“N-No. I just, I-” Simon pulled back to look at Penny’s face. She looked so scared and confused. Simon took a deep breath. “Can I come in? I’ve got a lot of stuff to tell you. Stuff I should’ve told you awhile ago.”

Penny still looked confused, but she nodded and let him inside.

———————————————

The silence hung in the air like a thick fog. Penny had been gaping at Simon for a full ten minutes. Simon was pulled in on himself opposite her, cradling his tea cup with a blanket around his shoulders. He wanted to say something, but thought it was probably let Penny process all this on her own first. He had told her, well, everything, and it was a lot to take in.

“Okay,” she finally said. “Wow. That’s just...wow.”

“Yeah, I know,” Simon replied.

“So you’ve been meeting with a mysterious cursed teenager in the middle of the woods for months?”

“Since we explored the Forbidden Lands, yeah.”

“He really turns into a swan during the day no matter where he is?”

“Yup. Second the sun breaks the horizon, he changes. We had a close call after...almost kiss at the solstice festival.” Simon felt the blush creep up his face and saw a smile creep up Penelope’s. He didn’t want to hide anything from Penny anymore, but it was definitely embarrassing to say, for a second time. “We barely got out of sight before the the sunrise.”

“Mhm, I see.” Penny raised a brow. “‘Kaz’ instead of ‘Baz’? Nice pseudonym there, Si.”

Simon chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck. “I know. I was put on the spot. I-I wasn’t sure if I could tell you his name.” A wave of shame hit him. He sunk further into the couch. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about him before, Pen. Baz didn’t want anyone to know about him. He barely tolerated me knowing for a long time. And it’s not that I don’t trust you. I just...I didn’t want to break his trust. I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright,” she sighed. “I’m a bit upset, of course, but I understand why you did it. You were protecting Baz from that man.” Simon nodded. She leaned closer, elbows on her knees, eyes curious. “He’s been keeping Baz in that lake for how long again?”

“Since he was five. And he’s been cursed since he was thirteen.”

“Wow. Do you have any idea why the man imprisoned and cursed him?”

Simon shook his head. “I’ve been more focused on just breaking the curse than finding out the reason.” His face twisted again, heart sinking to the floor. “Baz, h-he was right, honestly. I don’t care about him. I just liked being the hero who saved him.” He wiped the fresh tears falling onto his face. “I’m a total prick. No wonder he never wants to see me again.”

Penelope sighed. She put down her tea and crossed over to the couch. She opened her arms and Simon fell into her embrace again. He was pressed against her tight. Simon was never hugged as a young child. He knew he had missed out on a lot growing up, but he really felt that loos when Penny held him like this.

“You’re not a prick, Simon,” she said softly. “Sure, maybe you did get caught up in the mystery of it all. You like adventure. But of course you care about him as a person too.”

“How do you know that?” Simon mumbled into her shoulder.

“Because you care about everyone, Si. You’re one of the most kind, selfless people I’ve ever met. You want to save and protect all the people you can. Your heart is so big it scares me sometimes. And I have no doubt you cared about Baz just as much. Maybe even more, considering how much sleep you lost for him.”

They laughed, quiet and tired and brief. But the sadness quickly settled over Simon again. He wanted to believe her. But after tonight, with Baz’s angry words swirling in his head, he couldn’t. He burrowed further into his friend. “I should’ve told him I was a prince.”

Penny let out a long sigh. “Yeah, you should’ve.” She looked down at him with confusion. “Why didn’t you, Si? Wouldn’t Baz have understood?”

“Maybe. But...” Simon took a deep breath. He tried to sort through the tangled mess in his brain, stringing them together into something reasonably coherent. “B-But, I didn’t want him to know. I...I-I don’t like being a prince, you know that. Baz never had to know. With Baz, I could pretend I wasn’t one. And it was good. No bowing or royal duty talk or-or pretending I had to be t-tiptoed around. And I liked it! With Baz I felt...”

Simon tried to find one word to summarise his existence with Baz. How their time together made him feel. The nights with Baz his only reprieve from living as a constant disappointment to Davy and Watford as a whole. With Baz, he was happy, content, excited, relaxed, so incredibly at peace with himself for the first time in his life.

“Free,” he choked out. “I felt free with him, Pen.”

Penelope held him tighter and petted his hair. More tears fell down his face. They wouldn’t stop tonight.

A terrible thought crossed his mind. He squeezed Penny’s arm. “Not, not that I don’t like being with you, Pen. You’re my best friend. I don’t know, I-”

“Shh, Si,” she said, “it’s okay, I understand. No matter how much I don’t care about royalty, I still know you’re a prince. I can’t change that. Baz didn’t know at all. You could fully be yourself with him. That must’ve been wonderful for you. You really liked being with him.”

“I really like being with you too,” he mumbled. It felt almost childish to say. But he felt he had to, because he didn’t want Penny to feel less.

Penny chuckled into his hair. “I know, thank you, Si. But being with Baz is different, right? And not just because he didn’t know you were a prince. Being with him felt more intense and incredible. Even if he did something someone else does, it felt very different.”

Simon looked up at her with his brow all pulled together. “Y-Yeah, exactly. How do you know that?”

Penny smiled kindly at him. She pushed a curl out of his eyes. Simon had never had real family growing up to counsel and comfort him. But if he did, he supposed they would treat him like this. He liked it a lot.

“Because,” she whispered. “I have Micah. I know what being in love feels like. And I’m very sure you’re in love too.”

Simon inhaled sharply. The words hit him right in the heart. He had thought about love ever since reading Swan Lake, of course. But every time he considered it, his brain fell into a whirlpool of complicated emotions and fears and past trauma. Simon didn't understand his own feelings. He never could, even with the curse at stake. Which made him feel even more useless. He lowered his head and shrugged.

“I don’t know about that,” he mumbled.

Penelope barked out a laugh. “Simon, you sacrificed many good night’s sleeps to see him, spent ages trying to find a way for him to get free, obviously greatly enjoyed your time with him, and you said you almost kissed him at the festival, remember? If all that isn’t being in love, I don’t know what is.”

Simon honestly had no way to refute that, because he was sure he’d never been in love before. He thought he had loved Agatha, but after that ended so quickly, he realised how wrong his feelings were. He knew then that he had absolutely no idea what being in love was. But Penny did, and she might be right about him too. She knew a lot about a lot of things. Her words cut through a lot of the mess in his mind. And honestly, if Simon was going to be in love, Baz was someone he could see himself with. At least, he could if Baz didn’t hate his guts right now.

He pressed his forehead even further into Penny’s soft robe, hoping it would stop his muscles shaking so terribly. “Pen, if this is being in love, does it always hurt so much?”

She rubbed slow circles in his back. “Not usually. But I won’t lie, sometimes it does.”

Simon groaned, the sound coming from deep and low in chest. “Love is terrible.”

Penny chuckled softly, her breath brushing against his skin. “It can be, Si.”

He wiped away some more stray tears. “I don’t know what to do now, Pen. I was going to tell him about the curse and now hates me and I don’t know how I can fix this with him. He told me to never come back, and I...I said such horrible things to him. I was so awful. Even if I do love him and could break the curse, would he even want me to? I-I don't- I just can't- ” His eyes scrunched up in mental anguish. Penelope held him tighter.

“Well,” she sighed, “I don’t think you can come up with anything reasonable like this. You need to rest.”

Exhaustion started to truly seep into Simon’s bones. It had been a very, very long night. He knew he should go back to the castle, but he didn’t want to be there. That wasn’t where he felt at ease. And he needed a lot of ease right now

“C-Can I stay here?” he asked quietly. “Davy’s been holed up in his study since we got back. He probably won’t notice if I’m gone.”

“Of course you can, Simon.”

He smiled against her shoulder. “Thank you.”

They slowly pulled apart. Simon kept the blanket wrapped around himself as they walked up the stairs. Penny got Premal’s room when he moved into the castle, and she now had the largest bed other than her parent’s. She didn’t hesitate to pull Simon onto the mattress with her. It wasn’t weird. They used to both sleep in Simon’s enormous bed back at Mage’s School when Penny couldn’t take Trixie and Keris’ snogging anymore. Simon was alone in his single room a lot. He liked having a roommate every once in awhile.

So when he laid down next to Penny, it felt normal and familiar, and he felt a bit better. Penny pulled the thicker blanket on top of them. Simon felt her hand tap his. He grabbed it, weaving their fingers together under the covers.

“It’ll be okay, Si,” she whispered. “I promise.”

Simon was already slipping into sleep, too tired to actually respond. But he squeezed her hand. And she squeezed back.

———————————————

The toy in his child hands was small but complex. He was trying to to geometric pieces into a coherent shape. Simon didn’t understand it himself. But whoever’s hands he had instead of his own were much better at it. The chubby fingers manipulated them with ease they shouldn’t have at this age. Simon felt the balsa wood, but it was the ghost of a sensation, like he was underwater and a million miles away.

Soon, the small hands finished his puzzle. It became a perfect sphere made of tiny jagged pieces. The little boy let out a little sigh of disappointment. Distantly, Simon was aware that this child was sad to have nothing left to do. He looked up around his room. It was large and grand. The aura was dim, little light coming in the small windows. All the furniture was dark wood and far too tall for someone so short, looming over him like almighty gods of dead trees. Red tapestries fell down from the ceiling. Simon knew there was a symbol on it, but he couldn’t quite make it out. It was hard to focus on something so specific. Details weren’t clear, muddled in the invisible fog of the dream.

He stepped out of his room, toddling a bit on his young feet. The boy walked directly into a wall of soft white cloth.

“Oh, hello,” a sweet, familiar voice said. “Are you done with your toys, little puff?”

The boy looked up. The woman looked like a giant from his perspective. Her face was small and far away, but obviously kind. And that nickname she called him, Simon didn’t know it, but the boy did. He’d heard before from his mum. That was her cute name for him, she used it all the time. So others used it as well.

“I’m bored,” the little boy said, voice high pitched and whiny.

“Don’t you have your toys?” the woman asked.

“I’ve used all the toys.” He fiddled with his tunic. It had a surprisingly elaborate design for someone so young. “Where’s Mummy? I want her to read to me.”

“She’s probably in her study. But she’s very busy.”

Simon felt the boy’s mouth pull into a pouty frown. “Is she too busy for me?”

The woman kneeled down, at level with the boy. Her face was close, but it’s details were distant. But Simon simply knew she looked kind.

“No no, little puff,” she cooed, “not at all. She’s just-” The woman sighed. “You know, you should go see her. Go say hello to your Mum. You would be a welcome break from her work.”

The pouty frown turned into a wide grin. “Okay!”

The boy dashed off, out of the room and down the hall. It was familiar to the boy, but also familiar to Simon. He’d been here before. Tall, boring, lined with pictures and red banners. And the boy looking for his Mum.

“No,” Simon wanted to shout, “get out of here, run, you have to run. Go before it-”

The fire exploded behind him, and the boy screamed as he was engulfed in flames.

———————————————

Simon bolted upright, like he had on many, many nights. He tried to control his shaky breathing and burning magic. He couldn't destroy Penelope's house, he just couldn't. He heard a grumble next to him. Right, there was Penny, laying next to him and still holding his hand. Her grip grounded him back in reality. His magic died down, the glow of his hands receding.

It was still dark outside the window. Simon knew he had barely slept a few hours. As the fear from the nightmare slipped away, the memories of what happened tonight started to creep back into his mind like an oncoming storm. Simon wasn’t ready to to deal with that again yet. So he laid down, pushed everything from his mind, and fell into a dreamless sleep.

———————————————

AN: Well, if it wasn't already clear who the dreams were about, I think this makes it pretty obvious lol. And yeah, shit is bad right now, I'm sorry :( It was hard for me to write but it's necessary for the character development and the plot. Also I know Baz's attitude and views seem really different to canon, but in my mind it was because he was raised completely differently. He's not an Old Family son here, he's an imprisoned orphan who's been alone in a lake for fourteen years. So he would be the more disadvantaged one compared to Simon, not the other way around like in the book. It's a weird role reversal from canon where Simon is the more privileged one and Baz is railing against his wealth, I guess. Idk this is how it worked out lol. Next chapter will be up Thursday baring any complications (aka my horrible health lol.) Brb gonna go freak out about the Wayard Son cover some more haha. See you guys soon :D

[livvywrites]

11/11/11

tagged by @aslanwrites, thanks so much~~~ this is one of my favorite tag games tbh xD

1. If your WIP got made into a movie, which actors/actresses would you cast for your main characters?

I’ve never been real good at fancasting, tbh. Probably because I really don’t watch a lot of movies. BUT, I do have some faceclaims that I’ve found through pinterest and other sites? 

Alinora Mynerva -- Tuba Buyukustun

Lyr Inerra -- Luke Pasqualino

Talitha Jade -- short haired Halsey

Haven’t found any other fc’s yet, but there’s a short list!! 

2. What is a story you’d like to write, but don’t know how to yet tackle?

There are a couple of different ones, actually.

The first is one I’ve talked about before on Tumblr. It’s called Heart Eater. (It’s a temporary title.) It’s a lot darker than my usual stories, though, so I have no idea where to even start. Not to mention I don’t know what kind of genre or setting to use... 

The second is temporarily titled Guardians/Overmorrow. It’s more of a sci-fi/fantasy story, with both high technology and a little magic. Or a lot of magic. It was one of the first novel ideas that I came up with and stuck with, though I didn’t finish it. I would love to tackle it one day, but for the moment, I don’t have much for it! Nor much faith in my ability to tackle any of the science that would be involved xD

3. How do you deal with writer’s block?

Crying, begging, pleading, making sacrifices to the writing gods... 

I kid, I kid. 

I don’t really handle writer’s block all that well, tbh. But there are a couple of different things that (occasionally) work for me.

The first is just leaving the story alone. Focusing on something else, if it’s a specific story block, or just taking a break from writing all together. I’ll do things like read and play games instead. 

The second is to stop writing the story, but still do things related to it. Create playlists--none of which I really like well enough to share, tbh, but I’m working on it! Make moodboards/aesthetics, do character questionnaires, revisit the plot with new templates... You know. Whatever I can do that’s still relevant to what I’m writing but isn’t actually writing. Or is, in the case of modern AU’s/pre-series drabbles. (Usually I’m too blocked up even for those, though.) 

4. Coffee, hot chocolate, or tea?

All of the above!

I wish I could tell you I had a specific preference, but I really don’t. It switches up on me a lot. I CAN tell you that I’m picky about all of the above, though.

Tea I like to be sweet and a little spicy. I’m a big fan of Chai lattes, but I also have this lovely Warm Fireside tea that I ADORE. Sadly, they’ve discontinued it, though, so I’ll be hunting around again soon. *sigh* I also really enjoy sweet tea! But I like it *really* sweet. 

Coffee I like with creamer. A lot of creamer. Like, two thirds coffee, one third creamer. Lattes are amazing, tbh. I mostly prefer vanilla flavoring, but sometimes I’ll go for caramel...

Hot chocolate is probably what I’m least picky about, tbh. I’ll drink it by itself, but I like it best with a bit of peppermint. (I keep peppermint creamer on hand, but I also usually have mints in my purse I can drop in.)

5. Do you believe in the death of the author?

Yes.

I think that an author’s interpretation and intention are still relevant to a work, but I also believe in a fan’s ability to disregard those things and do it their own way. And I don’t think that the author should interfere with that. Conversely, I don’t believe that fandom has the right to control how an author continues their work.

In short, while fandom and author overlap in the middle, there should also be some separation--much like a venn diagram ;)

6. What is a trope that needs more love?

You know, my first impulse was to say “found family” but like. That one is everywhere lately. (I am NOT complaining. I just don’t think it’s in the spirit of the question to answer that way xD)

So I don’t really know specific “tropes” necessarily, and I’m not falling into the void that is TV tropes to answer, so I’m just going to list some things that I, personally, would like to see more of?

male/female friendships that don’t end in romance, pls. AND, if either has a significant other, that SO doesn’t get jealous every time they’re in the vicinity of each other.

healthy M/F ships!!! no unnecessary miscommunication or jealousy please!! unless that miscomm is used for non relationship-threatening humor.

characters that don’t end in relationships??? it feels like in a lot of mainstream fiction lately all the characters end up with someone. i love a good romance as much as anyone, but as an ace and possibly aro person (questioning, majorly) it’s also a little disappointing???

the power of FRIENDSHIP. this probably goes hand-in-hand with the found family, but like. friendship/platonic love being the most important thing to a person??? yes pls.

I’ll stop there ‘cause I think that’s enough, but those are a few things!! :D

7. What is your biggest inspiration?

This question is actually really hard for me, because I don’t KNOW. 

Part of me wants to just boil it down to life, to living every day and finding something new about the world/about myself. And that IS a good answer, and true as well, but it doesn’t feel quite... right.

I could tell you that I feel inspired every time I pick up a new book, or poem, or fanfic to read. I could tell you that I feel inspired every time I see a commercial for a movie or a TV show. I could tell you that history articles/magazines inspire me. I could tell you that hearing about different identities and cultures inspires me. I could tell you that I find inspiration everywhere, in everything, and that none of it would qualify as my “biggest” inspiration, because I get little bits from everywhere.

But that still doesn’t feel right either.

I feel like maybe I’m missing the point of the question. 

8. Let’s go on a little adventure: One day, you end up in the same world as your characters–or if they’re in ours, you end up with your characters in some way, shape or form. What do you do?

I’m going to assume that either they don’t know who I am or think of me as some scribe meant to tell their story, instead of the person who created it. (Which is how I think of myself sometimes, tbh.) Because otherwise I feel like they would probably be maybe a little mad at me.

So, first things first, I probably give Alinora and Aishlynn a hug. Well. Okay. I don’t hug them because neither of them would be super comfortable with that. (Alinora doesn’t mind, and even appreciates, hugs from people she knows, but not so much people she doesn’t. Aishlynn just isn’t big on hugs in general.)

And then I probably fangirl a little. 

Just a little.

I mean. These are my BABIES, and yes they’re flawed and have their weak spots but. They’re also so STRONG and HEROIC and GOOD and I just LOVE THEM. 

9. If you had a magical power, what would that power be?

Probably something like empathy. tbh, but I would WANT like... the ability to not have to sleep. Though I guess that would probably get boring after a while. 

10. What is a genre that you feel is underrated? What about overrated?

So, I feel like every genre has the potential to be done really well, and I think I could probably enjoy something from pretty much any of them. HOWEVER. Lately I’ve been a little... uninterested in a lot of mainstream YA fiction. Not all of it, necessarily, but a lot of it. It’s not that I think YA as a whole is overrated, because I don’t. But at the same time, I do?? I dunno. I wanna read more about older people??? Not full-on “adult” fiction, but y’know. New Adult. And while I don’t think NA is “underrated” specifically, I do wish they had an actual section for it in bookstores. 

11. Have you accomplished anything that you’re proud of?

Yes. I finished my very first novel around 17. (I might have actually been 16 and a half.) I still have yet to complete the second draft/full rewrite, but I’m still really proud of actually FINISHING it.

I’m also really proud of how far I’ve made it into THE MARTYR QUEEN. I’ve started and re-started that story so many times, and actually being THIS close to the end, with a draft I don’t hate... It’s amazing. I mean, it definitely needs changes, but I’m really proud of how it’s shaping up. 

Now if I could just finish a short story.... X’D

MY QUESTIONS

Have you ever been so disappointed/unimpressed by a character’s concept/arc/etc. that you decided to take that concept and write it how you wished it had been told? Whether you’ve started the story or not is irrelevant, just if you’ve got an idea built up!

What do you feel are your biggest strengths in writing? What makes you look back over your writing and feel proud?

Are there any characters, themes, setting types, etc that you see popping up over and over again in your writing? Why do you think that is?

If you could give your past self any writing-related advice, what would you tell them?

When it comes to character creation, what are things you HAVE to know before you start writing, if anything?

Similarly, what are some things you HAVE to know about your plot before you start writing, if anything?

How often do find that your characters/plot surprise you? 

What do you find the most difficult/what is your weakest point when it comes to world-building?

What experiences do you feel have most shaped your writing? (It’s okay if you don’t want to share specifics, or don’t want to share at all! Or just don’t know. You can say something else that majorly shaped your writing :D)

Do you find it easier to work alone, or to have at least one other writer/person encouraging you?

Assuming you aren’t already, if you were ever to write a story based off of a mythology/fairytale/other, which one would you choose, and how would you do it?

(i won’t be tagging 11 people, i’m sorry! but if you see this and WANT to do it, PLEASE do so and tag me. if i’ve already tagged you in something like this recently, feel free to pick which one you do <3) 

tagging: @aslanwrites (yes, i’m tagging you back, but only do it if you want to! or save it for later, when you wanna have something to do. i don’t mind xD) @waterfallwritings, @diabhals, @matterovermindpodcast, @firesidefantasy, @klywrites

[neighbours-kid]

A Very Whovian February

Here we go again, another month over already. To nobody’s surprise whatsoever, I have continued watching way too many movies and tv show episodes in February as well. There weren’t as much as in January because university started again, but there were some. It totals in at 3 movies, 1 musical, and 116 episodes of tv. I was a bit heavy on the shows this month, less so on the movies, as you can see.

February is always a….peculiar month, if you will. It’s short, it’s half holiday and half university, it’s sort of winter but not anymore, and just really weird. What was particularly strange about this month however, was that even though I sort of committed myself to binging through Money Heist once more—and managed three episodes—I quickly went back on that decision and made another, rather bigger commitment: I decided to re-watch and finally catch up on Doctor Who. No one was more surprised at this decision than me, I believe.

I used to love this show, I used to talk about little else. Doctor Who dominated big parts of my interests for a few years. Through a combination of my brother watching the show and me discovering tumblr, I started watching it in 2012. That was right at the end of ninth grade and the beginning of grammar school. I was 16. I was awful. I talked about it constantly, and especially after I “converted” a friend and she ended up watching it too, it was a constant stream of talking about Doctor Who, always, all the time, everywhere. Which I now understand is annoying as hell. However, back then? People being annoyed with it and sort of shaming me for it? That—and the show losing what made me love it mostly through Moffat taking over—made me stop watching it. At some point I just—stopped. I didn’t talk about it, didn’t think about it much anymore, unfollowed a lot of blogs on tumblr who posted about it, and turned my interests elsewhere. I abandoned it.

For a while there it was also just a thing that I didn’t wanna touch. I watched it in a part of my life where I was awful and toxic and just not a really fun human being to be around, I think. At least I don’t look back at this time all too fondly. It was just part of a person who I wasn’t anymore, who I grew out of, grew up from, and largely also moved on from. It was a strange time. But it was always sort of at the back of my mind as something that I loved, something that brought me great joy and parts of which I really missed deep down. Once I got a Netflix account and it kept appearing in my suggestions, my resolve to not go back to it started to crumble and I ultimately decided that I could learn to love this show again and maybe be better about it this time around. And I also just really wanted to give Peter and Jodie a chance, because no matter how good or bad the stories are, taking on a role like the Doctor is a feat, and I want to give them the opportunity to impress me and make me like them.

Watching that very first episode of Chris Eccleston’s arc at the beginning of this month felt very similar to when I completely re-read all of Naruto last Spring. It felt like coming home, like re-discovering a long lost love. And I am loving it. I am enjoying this tremendously. The monsters are ridiculous, the CGI is hilariously bad, the masks and make-up are insanely cool, the stories are simple and honest and lovely and I just adore it so much. Russel T. Davis was such a wonderful show runner, his vision for the show was so….lovely and simple and human. There were so many brilliant moments in the first four seasons, the companions were fascinating and conflicting and challenging and the Doctor was fantastic and brilliant. And even now that I have already binged through most of Matt’s arc as well, I still appreciate this show. The first time around, I think, I wasn’t too fond of Matt as the Doctor because I really loved David and his take on it, but this time, I am really enjoying Matt’s way of navigating that sort of dichotomy of darkness and ridiculousness that the Doctor has. Matt is fun. David is still my absolute favourite, but I am enjoying Matt tremendously as well. The CGI might have gotten better, the stories bigger and bolder, and, what I felt the first time around, maybe lost a bit of it’s simple and human aspects, but it is still a show that makes you keep thinking, what if?

If you know me you know that I often say the words “ugh I hate people”. I hold the opinion on most days that we, humans, are the worst and we’re being for the most part terrible to ourselves, our environment, and that Earth would be better off if we all just died. However, on odd days in between, I am also like insanely fascinated by humans and by what we can do and who we are and all that. Watching nearly seven seasons of Doctor Who in one month and seeing the world and humans through the Doctor’s eyes, raised those odd days in between to a level able to compete with my humans-suck days. It’s basically 50/50 now, to be honest. If you boil my entire life down to a single conflict it’s that of HUMANS SUCK WE’RE THE WORST and HUMANS MY DUDE HUMANS WE HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL. Basically. Combine this binge-watch with the Opportunity Rover dying and you have me sobbing in a corner filled with hope for humanity and the need to change the world, because we could.

Oh.

Well.

Look at that. This is supposed to be a recap slash diary entry about this month and I have already spent all this time talking about Doctor Who. Can you imagine how annoying I was when I watched it the first time? Yeeeaaaah.

Anyway.

Watching Doctor Who was not actually the only thing I did in this month. I did a lot of procrastinating on a paper about witchcraft in Dutch art which I then finally finished the day before I had to hand it in, started university back up again in the middle of it, helped some friends on their moving day, hung out with other friends, went to a birthday, and, y’know, did things human beings do.

But—and I’m going back to Doctor Who again, sort of, I am so sorry—I also read a book. And not just some book. It was Good Omens by the two amazing gentlemen Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman. Watching four seasons of David Tennant being amazing on Doctor Who also made me re-discover my adoration for him. Not that I didn’t already know that, I mean I did just watch him in Broadchurch. He is just great and I love watching him in things. And then he started a podcast (David Tennant Does A Podcast With…, it’s amazing, you should all listen to it) and he’s on radio shows promoting it and he is just ever present. And there was press and information and stuff going around for the tv adaption of Good Omens in which David plays Crowley, so he was just constantly on my mind. So I said to myself, hell yes, you need to re-read Good Omens before the show comes out in May, so why not do that now. And I did. And it was fantastic. And because I am me, and I am weird, I forced myself to stretch the last 100 pages of the book over an entire week, so I could walk into every first session of classes at university reading this book (four of which being theology classes, which was very important for me to be reading this book in). I needed to mark my place as resident weirdo, because who else could it be?

So, in summary, I guess my month could also be called “David Tennant February”. I watch Doctor Who nearly every evening, listen to David’s podcast every Tuesday, think about Good Omens every day—yeah, February was very heavy on the David Tennant content. I am not complaining.

To end this on a less David Tennant-y note, and a more “these things actually happened this month” bit, February has also been a month of, I don’t know, resurrection? Is that a good word? Anyway—February has brought out (or back) more of who I truly am again. Most of it is the weather (thanks climate change, I’m sorry the planet is dying), the sun being out, the temperatures already clocking in above 10 degrees celsius. I am enjoying it tremendously. I am convinced that I might be half-plant because the sun just revitalises me so strongly. Seasonal depression just goes down the gutter once the sun is out and I can feel the warmth of Spring on my skin. I am alive. Another thing is that I stopped, just really stopped giving a shit at university about other people and what they think. I am using all the bathrooms, no matter what. I am going by Alex even in German classes. I don’t apologise for anything or justify my actions. I don’t care anymore. What I do care about, is that I finally got a date for my consultation with a psychiatrist here in the city. I am partially excited and happy about it, however I also, as soon as I opened the envelope, felt completely numb and detached because the date is in June and that’s still so far off, which I guess I knew would be the case, but having confirmation for it, was just a bit…much, I think. Knowing that my future is in the hands of other people is not a thought I like very much and having to wait for other people to have time for me in that perspective is just not a fun thing. But we’ll get there. Eventually.

I don’t know guys, this post is just full on stream of consciousness, just me blabbing on and on about things that I don’t think anybody really cares about. But like I said last time, this is supposed to be a sort of diary entry for my garbage brain to remember what I did in my life, so y’know, this is valid.

I’ll talk to y’all in a month. Be good out there, guys. Be good.

Bye.

[victoria-seaberg-blog]

C3 - a talk with a royal

The spoiled brat and the heartless bitch

[Warning: cursing. I’m so sorry if this is shitty and short. Thanks so much Grace @mallory-schreave for the rp!!! Once again ignore typos and mistakes! All credits to Grace for the proposal idea!!]

Dear Vic,

You’re probably still mad at me and I don’t blame you, but please let me explain. Don’t crumble or destroy this letter until you’ve read it all…

That day. That date. I have never regretted anything more in my life. I was going to propose to you that day, asking you to marry me. Days before I had asked your parents for your hand and they said yes. I was over the moon. Until Philip approached me, he had overheard my plan and he convinced me what amazing publicity it would be for your show if the paparazzi were there to document it. I know you wouldn’t have wanted it, but Philip… You know how intimidating he can be. I’m truly sorry.

I still love you.

- Derek.

Stupid Derek and his stupid letter. Why couldn’t he just leave me alone. Fucking hell.

I rush out of my room, needing some fresh air. I can’t deal with the thought of the other girls breathing down my neck in the Women’s room right now. Let alone their endless blabbering about the most useless topics. Yuck.

The pool. Of course! I had been there a few times before, both with and without Aada, but there was never anyone there. Perfect.

I take a deep breath as I walk through the palace doors. Good there’s no one outside except for some guards.

After a little walk and some big breaths, I arrive at the pool. I let my eye scan the area. No one in the water. But there is someone on one of the sun beds. Is there seriously no place to be alone in this entire palace?

A lot of curse words fly around in my head and I immediately try to think of a plan to chase the other person away. But then I realize who the other person is, the Princess.

Geez, fuck. I sigh out of pure annoyance.

“Oh hello Princess Mallory.” Perhaps she will go away as soon as I get there. Stories about her say that she is not the biggest fan of the selected.

She lowers her sunglasses and looks at me. “Can I help you?”

Yes by disappearing, is what I want to say. “Oh don’t worry, I don’t need your help.” I put my stuff next to another sun bed and sit down. I’m still hoping she will get up and leave but apparently today is not my lucky day.

Princess Mallory smirks and looks over to me, “bad day?” The amusement is visible on her face.

I fight the urge to roll my eyes, “a little.” I sigh, “but nothing the sun can’t make better. What about yourself, how’s your day going?” If she is not leaving, then maybe she can distract me from Derek and his stupid letter. The anger boils inside me again, my nails dig into my hand palm.

“Tragically boring. Everyone is busy preparing for the Christmas Ball in a few weeks.” Obviously this is the end of the world.

“That is annoying, yes.” I try not to sound too sarcastic. “Are you excited for the Ball?”

I can’t tell if she’s sarcastic or sincere. “Beyond. Dressing up, dancing, guards, sneaking drinks, and watching people make fools of themselves. What’s not to like?”

“The best part will have to be watching people make fools of themselves, if you ask me.” Some girls are honestly too desperate. I take a sip of my water.

“Who’re you excited to see fall?”

Oh easy question, “Stephanie,” I think for a moment, going over the names of the other girls, “and Venus.”

She laughs, something I didn’t expect, like at all. “Me too, me too.”

Perhaps Princess Mallory is more like me than I first thought.

“What’s your name?”

Are you fucking kidding me? Be nice, Vic, be nice. “I’m Victoria, nice to meet you.”

An extended hand is what I get in return, “nice to meet you too.” I shake her hand, quite surprised that she doesn’t hate me.

“Why’re you out here without the other wannabes?”

I sigh at the thought of the other girls, “because the others are so pretentious, they suck the life right out of me.”

The Princess adjusts her sunglasses with her perfectly manicured hands. “Relatable. All they want to do is get on my family’s good side, hoping it’ll increase their minuscule chances of fortune and fame.”

I roll my eyes, “it’s pathetic not going to lie. Some girls are just all fake.”

“/Some/. Try most of the ones here.”

“True. Which one is the least real in your opinion? ” I’m rather curious to find out her answer.

“Stephanie, probably. That girl acts all sweet, but just watch, she’s got crazy eyes.”

“I wholeheartedly agree.” I smile, “I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks that.” Stephanie is by far the selected I hate the most.

“Y’know, you’re not that bad.”

That comes as a surprise. Did I just get the approval of Princess Mallory? “Oh thank you. You’re not that bad either.”

“That bad? I’m the best.” She leans back in her chair and crosses her legs, “Illéa’s sweetheart.”

“I thought your brother was Illéa’s sweetheart. I’d say you’re more like Illéa’s fashion icon.” I’m not even trying to sweet-talk her, it’s the truth. The girl has the best fashion style of the entire country. I can’t deny that.

She laughs, “Illéa’s spoiled brat.”

“Yuck,” I shake my head, “that’s not a nice title. Everyone’s just jealous.” I have plenty of titles, but the one that always resurfaces is the heartless bitch one. It all started that day I locked Derek on the yacht.

The Princess sits right up and turns towards me, “I know! People these days, am I right?”

Are. We. Bonding? “Exactly! It seems as if they can’t except someone else’s fortunes, because they want it for themselves. What happened to wanting someone else to be happy?”

She pauses and leans back, “true…”

Now it’s my turn to turn to her, “something wrong?”

“It’s an interesting thought- to be happy for others.”

“True.” I sigh once again. “The most important thing is to be happy for yourself though, ignore the others. There will be haters nonetheless.” What am I? A book of wisdom?

“Right again. Remind me again why a smart girl like you is here in this stupid competition?”

“I don’t even know myself, I’m looking for love I guess.” I’ve never admitted that to anyone. The Princess better keep her mouth shut. But for some weird reason I trust her.

Love. I thought I had found it, but then my heart got ripped out. Stupid Derek and his stupid words. What on earth was I going to do about him?

“Think you’ll find it?”

“Who knows? Some girls are willing to do anything so your family will like them.” I take another sip of my water. “Throwing myself at your family and kissing your feet is not really my thing.” I shiver at the idea alone. the extents some of these girls go to, yuck. Don’t they have any self-respect?

“Good, keep it that way. It’s pitiful.” Wise words from the fashionable Princess.

We talk some more about love after that and I make it very clear to Mallory to avoid everyone with the name Derek.  Maybe I should listen to my own advice. Would a restraining order help? I gather my stuff and leave the Princess in her lounge chair. Who on earth would have thought us two would get along? It is far more likely that we would be enemies. But no, we were now on neutral ground and a friendship could blossom from this.

I open my room door and see the letter on the desk. I quickly pick it up and burry it under some sports clothes in my closet. I don’t know what to do with this situation just yet. But I do know that I need some time to think.

[trekficsandbobs]

Bugs Bunny (Spock x Reader)

Summary: request from @blueoftheenterprise : I recently found your blog and let me tell you I really love your fics! Are you taking requests for Spock? If you do I really could use some motivation fics at the moment so could you do a bullied!reader x Spock in which the reader loves Spock but does nothing because she doesn't think she deserves him? If you need more detail you can DM me 😘 Thank you!

Warnings: Bullying, Language

Pairing: Spock x Reader

a/n: OK so this is my first non-Jim request. Firstly thanks for the opportunity to do something different i hope you like it! Secondly I hope I’ve done Spock enough justice for this to be enjoyable. We jump straight in so just in case it’s a sensitive issue for some I’ve put everything under the cut.

Words: 1,581

“Hey! y/n! What’s the name of that old Earth cartoon character with the big teeth? Y’know the rabbit?”

You didn’t answer. Busying yourself in your PADD as you walked towards the Bridge for your shift, you tried to ignore the comments hurtling your way. You could hear the two girls walking not too far behind you, giggling at whatever they had to say next.

“You know the one I’m talking about, Jessica?” the first girl asked the other.

“Bugs Bunny?” the sidekick replied, “OMG you are totally right, Katie! You want something to gnaw on, y/n? Grind them down a bit?”

While Jessica was incapacitated by her own joke, Katie added loudly- “If you want my advice, y/n, I’d give being such a weirdo a break for, like, two minutes. Maybe if you dialled it back a bit, the Vulcan might have more to say to you than ‘excuse me, Lieutenant, may I get past?’” you could feel her smirk on the back of your neck. Her impression might have got a laugh in another circumstance, but she was a horrible human being - the talent was wasted on her.

You turned around when you stepped into the lift, Katie waved at you, the smug smile still plastered on her face, “See you later, y/n.” she called as the doors slid shut.

As soon as the lift began moving you pressed the stop button and brought it to a halt. Your shoulders ached from keeping them straight through their laughter, your gut hurt from the blow of each hateful word that spilled out of their mouths, your legs felt weak from the effort of keeping you moving when all you wanted was to give up. You hated them. They were horrible for no other reason than being horrible, they saw you as a target as others had before. But they were right. You did have big teeth, and you were considered weird by all accounts. You laughed too loud and you spoke about the things you loved until you were red in the face - even if no one was really listening. Above all that they were right about something else. Mr Spock.

Ever since you met him two years ago, your first thought each morning was of him. To see him on the Bridge and work with him was an honour that forced you out of bed in the morning. You weren’t sure if he knew how much you admired him, loved him even, but you did; and at this point there was nothing you could do about it.

Although tears still crawled down your cheeks, and your hands shook with the confrontation you had just encountered, you pressed the button to resume the lift. You would be late for your shift otherwise, and you hated being late.

“Lieutenant.” Mr Spock nodded to you as you walked past his console.

“Commander.” You returned with a smile and a short, respectful nod.

…

Today could be summed up in one word - uneventful. You sat through your shift focussing on the readings which flashed across your console screen as the Bridge bustled around you. But like most days, the readings were as expected and predictable as ever. The Captain teased Mr Spock about his particularly quiet behaviour; he was not one for pointless chit-chat, but today he seemed even quieter than usual.

“Why so pensive today, Spock?” Kirk asked, a hint of curiosity and amusement colouring his voice. “What occupies that brain of yours today?”

“I see no occasion to enter into conversation, Captain.” His reply was directed at his console, as he continued to work. “And forgive me but it is not relevant to you.”

“Fair enough, Commander, as you were.” Kirk laughed, leaning forwards to quietly ask Mr Sulu a question. You turned slightly to glance at Mr Spock. He was certainly preoccupied with something, his hands moved slower over his console and his eyes seemed distant and less focussed.

Your shift was close to its end, you gathered yourself and gained permission to leave your shift early from Kirk, who was absent-mindedly staring through the viewing pane. You headed towards the turbo-lift, not only to beat the rush of the end of shift, but also in an attempt to avoid Katie and her insults.

As you waited, a tall, straight figure came and stood beside you quietly. Mr Spock was much taller than you, and although your feelings hindered you from truly being yourself around him, you felt comfortable whenever he was near. The lift arrived, the doors opened, and the two of you stepped inside.

“Lieutenant, I understand you are an admirer of current and old earth film?” Mr Spock asked you after a brief pause.

“Yes, sir. I love the way the old films transition from an era of optimism and pride into a more realistic take on society and the future of society should the events of that time continue to play out as they did. The loss, or I guess, suppression of that optimism is so deep rooted in an era of social change which led us here; it did not let them shy away from issues which were previously hidden from the mass population, but challenged them to be better.” You paused for breath before continuing into an analysis of the use of colour in the latest blockbuster you had seen,  but you stopped and looked up to Mr Spock who had not moved a muscle. He still stood and looked down at you in… interest? No. Of course he wouldn’t be interested in your ramblings, so instead you said: “Sorry, sir. I know I can go on.” And looked towards the ground, cursing yourself for getting carried away.

“Lieutenant, I’m sure we are acquainted enough for you to forgo formalities in situations such as these. And in regards to your analysis, although less versed than you are, I am inclined to agree. One unrelated issue, however, troubles me.”

He paused. In a swift movement he had leant over and halted the lift. He looked thoughtful for a moment before turning back to you.

“Your doubting of yourself is unnecessary and unfounded. I have found you to be an intelligent and passionate person, not only this but you are kind and thoughtful. These are qualities present in exemplary members of Starfleet, and in my friends.

Yesterday afternoon, I witnessed some of the crew talking to you in a disrespectful manner. A way I am no stranger to myself. I have learnt that trying to ‘fit in’ with everyone else only leads to pain both in yourself and in others. You are by no means what they call you, y/n. I admire you greatly. Forgive me for the intrusion into your personal matters, but recently they have been weighing on my mind.” He resumed the lift.

“Spock, I… thank you. Those words mean a lot coming from you.” You felt a tear slip down your cheek, which you wiped away quickly.

“Forgive me again if I am too forward, or if I have mistaken your feelings, but it would be very pleasing to spend the evening with you. Perhaps we could follow the Captain’s example and have a drink at the bar and discuss our earlier topic some more?”

“Yes… Of course!” you exclaimed, you smiled when you saw the corner of his mouth twitch and his eyes soften.

At this very moment the turbo lift reached its destination. Your efforts to avoid Katie had apparently been unsuccessful, as she now stood waiting for you nearby. Your stomach dropped and you felt your face pale. Spock touched your arm and murmured: “Do not be afraid of her, y/n. I will wait by the bar, and I shall turn a blind eye should the young Lieutenant find herself on the floor.” With that he walked away, stoic as ever, as if he didn’t just tell you to beat the crap out of the woman stood in front of you now.

“Hey, bugs! How was your day? I hope you didn’t bore Mr Spock over there with all your freakish ramblings. God. Look how quickly he’s run away from you! Honestly, I’m surprised he even got in the lift with you, heaven knows nobody else likes to.” You could feel the heat rising in your face. A crowd had begun to gather around.

How dare she. She has no right to speak to me like this. I’ve had enough of this shit.

Your anger began to boil over, and as she began to utter another hateful sentiment you gave yourself, just for once, the permission to be angry.

“You know what Katie? You’re right. I’m a freak. I have big teeth and I love things a little too much. But you know what else? I’m a decent fucking human being, which is more than can be said for you. You’re clever and you’re beautiful but it’s a fact of life that the more hate and bitterness you spew and stir about, the uglier you become. In fact, give it a couple months and the Captain will leave you on some remote planet thinking you’re an ugly old witch that’s smuggled herself on board. So here’s my advice to you Katie: Go fuck yourself.”

You heard the distinct spluttering’s of indignation behind you as you walked away, smiling to yourself, and to Mr Spock, who was waiting for you by the entrance of the bar, one eyebrow cocked in amusement.

Thanks for reading I hope you enjoyed it! 

tags: @feelmyroarrrr @youre-on-a-starship @webhoard @yourtropegirl @wonders-of-the-enterprise @kirkaholic123 @blueoftheenterprise

[madzilla84]

how are you xx

Thank you for asking, anon :) I appreciate it!

I suppose it’s as good a time as any for an update. The short version is - Fine, I Guess; the most important thing is that I have food and supplies and am safe and comfortable and as far as I know, so are all the people I know.

Here is the long version lol, because it’s me. 

Real life bit: We’re now into week 5 of working from home, and the last time I went further than the end of my street was over a month ago. I’ve settled into a routine of getting meals delivered semi-regularly (I hate cooking, so it’s kind of a blessing that local companies have started doing affordable, delivered meals in the middle of all this, as opposed to expensive, unhealthy takeaways), and popping to the corner shop for essentials the rest of the time. I guess the last time I spoke to another human aside from on zoom/in the corner shop/waving at delivery people was like. mid-March? when they sent us home?

Despite all that I do feel okay; I joke about having trained for this but the truth is, I kinda have. I already spent most of my non-work time at home and have always lived alone, so I haven’t had to adjust to that. Still, removing really the only social aspect I had in my life - going to work - has been a bit strange. I feel okay now, but I do wonder how difficult the re-adjustment will be when we eventually return to the office - or if we ever will, if they decide they don’t want to pay for the buildings when they maybe don’t need to. We’ll see. I feel like I’m also going to have the stamina of a newborn horse when I start venturing out again; I’ll have to take it slowly. I do quite like working from home, but I don’t want to, like - develop agoraphobia or something, you know?

I’ve really been loving all the special events people have been putting on; both for charity and just to lift peoples’ spirits. I actually think I’ll miss those, and hope it encourages people to keep doing things like that.

All in all, I think I’m pretty fortunate compared to many. I can work from home, I have access to food, they haven’t stopped my pay, I’m not separated from people I’d usually see … it’s not, like, *fun*, and I would love to just be able to resume normality, but realistically I think it’ll be a pretty long time. I was already disappointed about Vidcon but in all honesty I think 2020 is a wash, and probably a chunk of 2021. If it ends up happening I’ll be shocked; I wouldn’t be comfortable going and I can’t imagine they would be either. 

Just gotta get on with it, I guess.

Fandom bit: I DUNNO MAN it’s really all over the place. I have days like Sunday - usually when something disappointing happens or it’s just a bad brain day or whatever - but sometimes, there’ll just be a day when I feel Fully Done; I posted the I’m Straight Up Not Having A Good Time meme the other day but sometimes it really do be like that. (Two memes for the price of one.) I think about taking a break but it never sticks for very long. (I realise I sound a bit like Bender’s ‘I’m Running Away (And This Time I Mean It)’ note from Futurama)

I looked back in my 2018 diary recently and found when I decided to buy my II tickets; it was right after GTPWTW came out. I was already following them, watching vids etc but I wasn’t like - *in the phandom*, y’know? But getting more into it all just as II started was the best and worst time; for the rest of the year we were *so* spoiled (not that we knew it then) and I loved it and just got more and more involved and inspired and was enjoying everything so much - and then it all ended. (Usual disclaimer, before anyone comes for me - of *course* I love and appreciate Phil and his content and am not discounting it in any way; I’m talking about the joint vids and the insta stories and the tweets and the gaming channel and just like acknowledging each other’s existence and Dan being alive.) I - actually don’t remember how much I got into how much they’ve inspired me and helped me, but yeah, and I wasn’t at all prepared for it to be over. I certainly wasn’t expecting 2020 to be like this (in any way).

Sometimes I think I should move on from it, if it’s making me feel this bad on the regular, but I don’t seem to be able to. Animal Crossing has helped recently, and I’m probably going to dive back into another older video game fandom of mine to help, but, like. I dunno. On those bad days I think to myself, Am I A Fool? Am I just sticking around like a sad, jilted ex waiting for - what? Something that will never come? Just reliving the old days over and over? Why do this to myself? It often makes me so anxious and I start catastrophising and like, I joined originally because it made me happy and it was fun? It’s not like I *enjoy* feeling bitter and upset?

And, okay, I know we’ve had this conversation a literal million times and there really is no point any more, but I just wanted to put it out there that there are still regularly days when I am just so damned *sad* about it that I can’t enjoy it on any level. At those times, I don’t want to read fics, let alone write them. I don’t want to watch vids. I don’t even want to look at cute gifs or whatever because it all just reminds me that it’s over. I don’t think Current Circumstances are necessarily making it worse because I was definitely feeling it last year, too, but it certainly doesn’t help that during this time they’ve been, somehow, even more absent than usual.

But then! Other days are much better; I can do all those things and enjoy them a lot and just appreciate that they exist. I have a good time on here (and sometimes, even, on twitter, now I’ve muted like 2/3 of the fandom lmao). I don’t love how those days seem to be getting fewer and further between for me at the moment, but maybe it really *is* the state of the world. I dunno. I guess what it boils down to is that I *do* still care about them, way too much perhaps, and sometimes wish I didn’t because it would make this easier. (How do you switch that off?) 

I ended up leaving my last fandom not because of the dearth of source material - the very nature of video games is that you go years and years between content - but because the fans were awful, except for a small minority (the folks I still keep in touch with). The opposite is true here; I know the phandom has a Reputation but I haven’t found that to be true, mostly - this is probably the nicest fandom I’ve ever been in, and that has definitely gone a long way to keeping me around - I would miss everyone too much. (Obviously every fandom has its bad eggs, but I have curated my experience a *ton*)

I know for many folks they actually couldn’t really care less what D&P actually do and are just here for the fic and art, and I wish that was me but it isn’t (not that I don’t value those things immensely, y’all are carrying the fandom on your backs).

And, like, it really doesn’t take much to cheer me up, lol. Remember how good the first week of April was? Unexpectedly? Things can change on a dime. And yet, while I know that, I’ve also gotten fully used to disappointment and have stopped hoping for good things because I’m just - tired of it. I’ll probably read this back when I’m feeling better and be like, god, what an overdramatic ass (like you might be thinking right now), but that doesn’t help at the time. I’m sure my real life brain problems fully inform how I feel about all of this, too, I’m well aware of that.

So, sorry for writing all that out! But it’s just how things are. I can’t see it changing any time soon, if it ever does, so I guess I need to learn to deal with it better or just - find something else. Except I don’t want to. Which perhaps makes me an idiot.

And the cycle continues.

[booksncoffee]

how you get the boy - seventeen

“He found out that we went on a date and he.. dunno, got a bit weird ‘bout it.”

“How weird?” He quizzed, confusing me with that question, “Niall Horan sort of weird or Tenley Beckworth sort of weird?”

read below // story page 

I didn't actually recognise the number when it appeared on my mobile phone. But since I was preparing a cup of chamomile tea, I wasn't really in the mood to play the guessing game.

Sliding my thumb over the screen whilst reminding myself to save these digits after this conversation ended, I clicked the loudspeaker option and put it down on the counter before I poured hot water into the cup.

“Tee, you like cupcakes, right?” Harry asked before I got the chance to say a word, his voice familiar in every way it shouldn't. Behind my closed lids, I could make out a clear picture of him with a lopsided smile, eyes glinting with mischief. I pushed that image away immediately, for I didn't even want to think how I’d managed to conjure that up in my head; I refused to believe that I remembered every inch of his face.

“Yeah, but not as much as you do,” I replied as I picked up the device and held it in one hand.

For the past week, since the night Harry saved my number in his mobile, he had been sending me abundance of text messages and against my better judgment, I replied to most of them. Originally, I had thought that talking to him through text messages would be boring, but I was proved wrong because he was anything but boring. As a matter of fact, I found him quite an entertaining texter.

Much like when we were face to face, Harry was good at keeping the conversation going. I didn't know how he did it, but I wasn't going to complain because I did enjoy talking to him although sometimes he asked too many questions.

There’s a laugh and a sound of shuffling accompanying it before Harry let out an exasperated sigh, “Niall’s with me and he thinks this place Jo’s working at makes better cupcakes than Crumbles.”

Again, I could imagine how he looked like at the moment, his bottom lip jutted out, creating a pout and dissatisfied frown adorned his forehead. I pushed that image to the back of my mind quickly.

“And you don't agree with him,” I said pointedly before I brought the cup up to my lips and took a sip of the hot tea. I relaxed against the cabinet, a sigh of relief escaping my lips.  

Almost immediately, a loud scoff came from the speaker. “Course not!” He exclaimed, “Are you mental?”

At that, I let out an amused chuckle. Despite the fact that I was aware of his love towards cupcakes, I didn't know he was capable of getting overly defensive over them too. “’m not. But-“

I didn't get to finish my sentence as Niall’s voice came into the speaker. He probably had snatched Harry’s mobile from his hand, for I could distinctly pick out the sound of Harry’s groan in the background. “Tee, don’t listen to H.”

I felt my brows furrowing in confusion although corners of my lips twitched. Then, before I could ask him why, Harry’s voice returned. “No, don’t listen to Niall,” he told me, “He’s only saying this cos he wants to woo Jo.”

“Am not!” Niall shouted.

“Shut up, Ni,” Harry said next and I could hear the sound of a slap. I could only assume that Harry had just slapped Niall – not on his face, I was sure – for his inability to give people some privacy. But then again, Harry sort of deserved it considering he was all the same. “Oh and Tee, could you come to my place later?”

Upon hearing the front door opening and closing, I disabled the loudspeaker and pressed my mobile phone against my ear, “Hmm?”

“Come to my place in about thirty minutes?” Harry repeated his question and added, “Niall and I need you to tell us which cupcake’s better.”

Soon, Louis appeared in the kitchen, his dark blue beanie pulled down to cover his ears. It must’ve been cold out there, I thought. “Okay.”

“Love you, Tee!” Niall shouted from behind Harry, followed by, “C’mon, H, tell her you love her too.”

“Fuck off,” Harry snarled almost too quickly, most likely giving Niall the bird and his infamous scowl right about now, “Ignore him, bunny, I’ll see you soon, yeah?”

“Yeah, sure.” I replied with a nod although I was aware that he wouldn't be able to see that. After ending the call, I looked up to see Louis kinking an eyebrow at me as he took of his beanie and ruffled his hair. Next, he shrugged off his jacket and placed it on the counter. “Hi.”

“Hi,” he smiled though it didn't quite reach his eyes. Eyes fixed on my mobile phone, he asked, “Talking to Harry?”

I’d like to think that I was just imagining the venom lilting his voice as he said Harry’s name, but I was almost 100% positive that I wasn't because his feature changed slightly when I nodded, “Yeah. And Niall.”

Taking a bottle of beer out from the fridge, Louis took a sip of it before he continued, “Heard you went on a date with Harry the other night.”

Although I shouldn't be surprised given that he would find out about this sooner or later, I couldn't lie and say that I wasn't taken aback when he brought the topic up. It had been two days since Harry and I’s date night and a part of me thought he’d forgotten about it; or rather, a part of me wished he wouldn't question me about it. I supposed he deserved some sort of explanation since he was the one who opened the door when Harry dropped me off at my flat at around 1 am as I’d forgotten to bring my key with me.

“I did,” I answered.

“Thought you hate him or summat,” Louis mentioned before he chugged down the beer. I didn’t like the tone he was using as he said those words, so naturally it wasn't my fault that I turned on my defensive mode.

“I’m just giving him a chance.” I countered. As I crossed my arms in front of chest, I pretended that they were shielding me from his words; words that I knew would hurt me in spite my subconscious telling me again and again that I shouldn't take it to heart.

“The way you gave me a chance?” Louis chuckled menacingly and I hoped he was drunk, but a bottle of beer wouldn't be enough to get someone like him drunk unless he’d had drinks before. But I doubted that as his schedule was packed today and I was pretty certain he went home straight after his last class. Scoffing, he added under his breath, “Sounds convenient.”

He must have thought that I wouldn't hear those two words, but I did and it made my blood boil with anger. Not even a sip of this chamomile tea could calm me down. “I’ve been giving you lots of chances, Lou, but you’ve never taken it.”

For a moment, he looked puzzled as though he had no clue what I was hinting at. So he asked, “What do you mean?”

“I think you know the answer, Lou,” I replied with a scoff and a roll of my eyes.

“What? That you like me? Is that the answer?” He sounded so mean, so unlike of him that for a couple of seconds, I was scared of him. In fact, I was quite sure that I flinched the entire time he was speaking, “Well, Tee, s’hard to believe you since you’re not doing a good job at showing it to me, especially with you running to Harry at every chance you get.”

My brows furrowed with both confusion and anger and I clenched my fist, hoping that it could lessen the anger flowing in my veins. I put down the cup I was holding and took a few steps towards Louis. “What? Are you seriously saying those things to me right now?”

“Face it, Tee, that’s the truth,” he said as he walked around me to throw the beer bottle into the trashcan. Shrugging, he added whilst making his way out of the kitchen, “What else do you want me to say?”

I wasn't going to let him get away after saying such things to me. Back then, the hopelessly, madly in love with Louis me would’ve let that comment slip away, but not this time.

I stood in front of him, halting him in his tracks, “Y’know, s’funny coming from you cos you’re the last person who has the right to judge me. You’re bloody brilliant at making poor choices, anyway.”

“Yeah?” He challenged me, to which I nodded my head bravely. A voice inside my head told me that doing that, it was a bad decision. “Well, s’pose taking you in as a flatmate is one of them, innit?”

His bluntness rendered me temporarily speechless. Louis took my surprise as an advantage for him to step aside and walk into his room. I heard him turning the lock on his door and I had half the heart to shout at him, telling him that I didn't even want to talk to him anymore. As a matter of fact, I couldn't even look at him.

Stomping my feet back to the kitchen, I finished my chamomile tea, eager to get the hell out of this flat. All of sudden, I felt suffocated, like every single atom in my body felt like I didn't belong here. Like this wasn't my place, after all, even though by right, it was. His words kept ringing in my head, reminding me again and again that this place belonged to him and I was just renting it. And choosing me as his flatmate was one of the poor choices that he’d made in his life.

It hurt tremendously to hear Louis say those things to me, for if there were one person I didn't expect to hear it from, it’d be him. For so long I created a version of him that made me fall so in love with him and for so long I didn't realise that who he really was wasn't the same as the person in my head.

I guessed this was reality slapping me hard in the face – something that I needed.

After washing the cup, I quickly made my way out of the flat, desperate to forget everything he said to me. It didn't work, unfortunately, as they followed me out to the hallway where I paced back and forth in front of Harry’s flat. And when my feet had grown tired, I sat cross-legged on the floor, my back against the wall as I waited for Harry and Niall.  

Luckily I didn't have to wait until my arse was numb. They arrived a few minutes later. Niall’s booming voice was the first thing I heard, followed by Harry’s, but I couldn't quite make out what they were talking about.

Upon seeing someone sitting on the floor in front of Harry’s door, both of them stopped walking, eyes nearly bulged from their heads. However, when they realised that it was just me, a smirk tugged at the corners of Niall’s lips whereas Harry shot me a questioning look.

I stood up from the floor and brushed away the figmental dust, ignoring the look Harry was giving me. He was probably wondering why was I sitting on the floor, in front of his flat. Good thing, Niall’s with us so Harry must have decided to hold off the question until there was just the two of us.

“I expect you boys have cupcakes for me.” I said, my eyes drifting to the two boxes Niall was holding, securing them like they were the most important things in his life.

“Of course,” Niall answered, a smug grin approaching his thin lips as he gave Harry’s shoulder a nudge, “Any last word before you lose?”

Harry gave Niall a sideway glance as he unlocked his front door, “You’re bloody annoying.”

His head was thrown back as he let out a loud, contagious laugh that managed to make me laugh too despite the sadness splashed across my chest. “Not something I’d want to hear, but I understand that it’s just your wounded ego talking.”

Harry gave his friend a middle finger one more time before he walked into his flat. He went straight to the kitchen so the two of us followed suit. Niall placed two boxes of cupcakes on the island, rubbing his palms together as if he was eager to get a taste of them. Then he looked at me, his penetrating gaze almost made me listen to him, “Remember, Tee, no matter how much you like Harry, you need to be fair.”

I opened my mouth, ready to deny his statement. I closed it a second later, though, because everyone – excluding Harry, I hoped – knew I would only be wasting my energy in trying to convince Niall that I didn't like Harry.

I nodded my head, “Fine. ‘m all ‘bout being fair, anyway.”

At that, both Harry and Niall scoffed like they didn't believe me. For a moment I wondered what had I done to not deserve their trust, but before I could come up with an answer, Harry tied a piece of cloth around my head, blindfolding me.

“It’s a blind test,” Harry whispered in my ear, his deep voice sending shivers down my spine – I wished neither Harry nor Niall noticed that – as he gave my shoulders a squeeze. “This is to prevent you from cheating.”

I laughed, amused that this whole thing was happening. Who would’ve thought that two grown blokes would ask me to become a judge in their ridiculous competition? Hint: not me. “You lads are taking this thing seriously.”

“We take everything seriously,” Niall corrected me, poking my rib. It was a fruitless attempt at convincing me because regardless what he said I knew it wasn't true, especially since it came from Niall. “C’mon, Tee, stop wasting our time. We need to know whose cupcake’s better.”

“Obviously Crumbles’,” Harry said rather confidently, those simple words had the power to annoy Niall. It was true when they said that your other senses came to live when your eyes were blinded. Because right now, I was pretty sure that Niall was glaring at Harry and Harry was shooting him his infamous, irritating smirk. “But Niall’s right, bunny, stop wasting our time and stop sniffing the cupcake.”

Caught red-handed, I nearly dropped the dessert I was holding; it wasn't my fault that the smell of this thing was so strong that I couldn't possibly push away the urge to sniff it. My cheeks warmed in embarrassment and under their unwavering gazes, I took a bite of the first chocolate cupcake.

There was no telling whether this cupcake was from Crumbles or the other bakery, but one thing I was certain of, it was bloody delicious. The chocolate melted on my tongue the second it got into my mouth and although I wasn't exactly a big fan of chocolate, I wouldn't mind eating this thing again and again. I could feel the cream on top it leaving a mess on my mouth, but I didn't care. That proved you did enjoy the cupcake, didn't it?

However, before I could take another bite, the cupcake in my hand was replaced with another one. I could hear Niall saying something about how the wait was killing him under his breath. I brought the dessert up to my lips and ate it.

Unlike the first cupcake, this one was less sweet and less chocolate-y. Nonetheless, it was still good. Perhaps it couldn't beat the richness of the first one, but I liked how it didn't assault my senses with the sweetness of chocolate. It had traces of salted caramel that added and complimented the chocolate taste and I liked it. Better than I could have baked, to be honest.

As soon as I put down the cupcake, Harry moved to stand behind me and took off the blindfold. Almost instantly, I came face to face with an eager yet anxious looking Niall who was chewing on his nails. I slapped his hand away.

“So?” He asked with a kink of an eyebrow. “The first one or the second one?”

I could sense that the air had shifted as my eyes darted from Niall’s face to Harry’s, both of them looking like they were ready to jump off of a building whilst I mulled over my decision. “I still can’t believe you two are taking this thing seriously.”

Whereas Harry let out a frustrated groan, Niall ran a hand down his face, both clearly had had enough of the waiting.

“Fine, fine,” I chuckled, holding both hands up in defeat, “I think I like the first cupcake better.”

Upon hearing my decision, Harry had a surprised look written all over his face that soon morphed into a huge smile when he pulled me into his arms. He left a couple of kisses on top of my head, his lips then moving to my cheeks where he peppered kisses all over them, clearly overjoyed that I had chosen his cupcake – not that I knew it was in the first place.

When I glanced to look at Niall, he rolled his eyes and muttered, “You’re only letting H win cos you like him.”

“That sounds a lot like the loser talking,” Harry commented which further irritated Niall, to which he received a death glare in return. “Besides, it’s a blind test, Ni.”

“Honest to God, you two deserve each other,” Niall said grimly as he reached for another cupcake from the box and shoved it into his mouth. As far as I was concerned, he had never liked it when he lost and I could only assume that he wasn't taking this well. Hopping onto the island, he then looked at us, his eyes lingering on Harry’s hand that was wrapped around my shoulder. “Which reminds me, how’s the date?”

“I told you, we’re not telling you anything, Ni,” Harry said as he moved away from me to take out three bottles of beer from the fridge. Handing one of them to me and another one to Niall, he then occupied the stool next to me. His shoulders and thighs brushed against mine and I held in my breath.

Trying to ignore the effect he had on me, I smiled at Niall, “Yeah, Ni. We don't do this whole kiss and tell thing.”

It was a mistake saying that because immediately, he smirked and leant forward, “So you kissed then?” When no one answered him, he continued, “What ‘bout Louis? S’he taking the news well? Not that I cared bout him or anything.”

The mention of Louis’ name made it seemed as though someone had just dumped an ice cold water over my head when it was just merely a question that I didn't even have to answer if I didn't want to. My grip on the beer bottle had tightened slightly and though I wished no one had noticed the change in my body language and expression, Harry had. And right now, he was looking at me concernedly. I knew there were numbers of questions on the tip of his tongue, but he didn't articulate any of them.

Instead, his hand drifted to my knee and he gave it a gentle squeeze before he placed his palm on top of mine and intertwined our fingers. Then, he looked up and squinted his eyes at Niall. “Stop being nosy, will you?”

Rolling his eyes and sticking his tongue out at Harry – a real mature move – he made his way to the living room where he turned on the television and made himself comfortable there. But not before he took another bottle of beer from the fridge and took the rest of the cupcakes with him.

Once he was truly out of our sights and hopefully, hearings too, Harry swivelled his body until he was facing me. The concerned look had returned and I knew he wanted to hear the explanation he’d been waiting for since he saw me on the floor.

“What happened?” He asked softly as he brought his hand up to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. His hand lingered there for a moment and I swallowed the lump that had thickened in my throat. “Y’know you can confide in me, yeah?”

He’s right; I knew I could. But the thing is, I wasn't sure if I wanted him to know about my argument with Louis and how his little outburst bothered me until now. It was my problem with Louis, not Harry. By right, I should handle it alone, but with Harry being in such a close proximity, looking at me with sincere and kind eyes, along with that little reassuring smile, I sighed and said, “It’s Louis.”

Almost instantly, two deep lines appeared between his furrowed brows. I had to fight the urge to try and erase them with my fingertips so I casted my gaze elsewhere. Conveniently, my eyes were attracted to his lips that were pressed together, creating a thin line.

“We sort of got into an argument, but s’nothing big,” I added when I realised that he was waiting for something more than just the name of the person that managed to occupy my mind – not in a good way. “I’ll get over it.”

Harry’s grip tightened slightly and I looked at our clasped hands, at the way his hand nearly engulfing mine. We hardly held hands before, but looking at it felt almost natural. However, that was the least of my concern because Harry wasn't satisfied with my answer. “What’d he say?”

I sighed, “S’noth-“

Harry shook his head, his voice firm as he said, “Bunny.”

“Fine,” I relented and ran my fingers through my hair before I opened my mouth to speak the truth, “He found out that we went on a date and he.. dunno, got a bit weird ‘bout it.”

“How weird?” He quizzed, confusing me with that question, “Niall Horan sort of weird or Tenley Beckworth sort of weird?”

I snorted at his attempt to inject humour into a situation that wasn't funny. He meant well, I was aware of that, as it’s typical for Harry to make things lighter whilst I was tense – something I didn't realise before. Sighing, I smiled sadly, “Not that kind of weird. S’just.. I don’t know.”

Sensing that this matter might be more serious than he initially thought, Harry scooted closer to me and put his arms around my shoulders, “What’s wrong, bunny?”

The warmth he was providing to me made me feel a tad better, but that didn't stop the bitter chuckle from escaping my throat as I murmured, “He said taking me in as his flatmate is one of the poor choices he’s made.”

At that, I felt Harry’s body tense and purely out of instinct, I pressed my lips to his shoulder that was fortunately – unfortunately – covered with his white t-shirt. I was hoping that it could help drain the tension from his body, but it didn't. Instead, he gently pushed me away from him so he could look me in the eyes, “Tell me you didn't let him walk away after saying that to you.”

“He got into his room before I could stop him.” I shrugged, pressing my fingertips against the spot between his brows, wishing that I could make his frown disappear. But I couldn't.

Harry wrapped his hand around my wrist, bringing my hand down to his lap. “Bunny, what he said..” he trailed off, his eyes darting from my face to our hands, as he shook his head, “You don’t deserve that.”

I placed my other hand on top of his, giving him a reassuring smile, “As I’ve said earlier, s’fine. I’ll get ov-“

“You’ll get over it, I know. That doesn't mean he can get away with that,” He nodded his head and swallowed thickly before adding, “Bunny, I know you, uh, love him but he’s a fucking idiot. And if he doesn't like living with you anymore then you can just move in here.”

I let out a chuckle, “I thought you like living alone.”

“I did,” he said and I didn't miss the way he’d used the past tense instead of the present tense. Because of that, I couldn't help but wonder what made him change his mind. “You can take the room next to mine. It’s almost always vacant.”

“Almost?” I kinked an eyebrow at him and colours began to bloom his cheeks.

“Unless my sister comes to visit me, no one has ever slept in that room.” He said with a shrug, his answer far different from what I had in my mind.

“I appreciate the offer, button, but s’okay,” I patted his knee and got up from the stool, “Everything will be alright.”

He followed me out of the kitchen and before we reached the living room, he asked, “You sure?”

“Yeah.”

&&

I should have known better than to be confident that things would be alright.

When I returned to my flat after watching a couple of movies with Harry and Niall – I didn't know how they managed to convince me to stay, but they did – Louis hardly looked at me, let alone talked to me. In fact, as soon as he heard me walking through the front door, he left the living room to return to the confinement of his bedroom.

This morning was no different. He left before I had the chance to catch him in the kitchen for breakfast. Although by right I was the one who should be avoiding him after what he said to me, it appeared as though the roles were reversed.

“I thought he couldn't get any stupider but he just proved me wrong,” Shiloh mentioned, distaste lilting each and every word that slipped past her lips whilst we made our way to a restaurant not too far from our campus for lunch. “Honestly, Tee, you should ditch him.”

“S’not that easy,” I muttered under my breath as I pushed open the door to get us inside. I let my eyes wander around the place in search of an empty table and I instantly caught one by the corner. I dragged Shiloh with me, hoping that with food around us, she would drop the subject.

Much to my dismay, she refused to. “Does Harry know about this?”

Flipping open the menu, I nodded. “Yeah, told him last night.”

“I’m gonna save this whole ‘I can’t believe you told him before you told me’ speech cos I’m curious,” she said in one breath, reaching out to snatch the menu from my hand so I couldn't hide behind it. Eyes glinting with interest, she asked, “What’d he say?”

“Said Louis’ a fucking idiot,” I quoted Harry’s words to her and at that, Shiloh agreed with a nod of her head and a small smirk, “And offered me his place.”

“And you said no,” she stated, slightly disappointed by that piece of information she’d deduced herself. Knowing full well that I wasn't going to delve further into this topic anymore, she sighed and handed the menu back to me. “You’re my best friend, Tee, and I just want the best for you.”

“I know,” I said with a sincere smile gracing my lips, “And right now the best thing for me is a grilled cheese sandwich and a cup of caramel macchiato.”

Luckily, when the waiter came over to our table to take our orders, Shiloh decided to drop the subject and started talking about her day. I listened to her, suddenly wishing that my life were as simple as hers – minus the abundance of assignments she had – and wishing that I hadn’t gotten myself tangled in this web of mess I’d created myself.

As soon as we had finished our lunch, Shiloh returned to our campus as she had one more class for the day. I, on the other hand, went straight home. I took a deep breath before my hand found the knob, all of sudden I was afraid to walk in and face Louis when earlier I was intent on straightening things out between us.

Once I did find the courage, I opened the door and stepped inside quietly, for I didn't want to make a sound. The flat, surprisingly, wasn't as quiet as it always was. There were two distinct voices talking over one another and I felt a frown making its way up to my forehead as I followed the sources of the sound.

Soon enough, Harry and Louis came into my vision. Whereas Louis was sitting on the couch comfortably, Harry was standing in front of him, his lips moving animatedly as he spoke. I didn't catch what he was talking about at first, however, but the nearer I was to them, the more I hear. Since the two of them were invested with each other, throwing words after words, neither noticed that I was only a few feet away from me.

“Tenley’s an amazing person and you’re a fucking idiot for treating her like that,” Harry spat, his voice even as he crossed his arms in front of his chest.  

“Fuck off, Harry,” Louis muttered under his breath like he didn't even want to talk to him. But if there’s one thing I knew about Harry, he’s persistent and even if you didn't want to talk to him, he’d make you talk.

“You need to apologise to her,” Harry said through his gritted teeth and those words seemed to catch Louis’ attention. Turning off the television, Louis tilted his head to take one good look at Harry before he opened his mouth to speak.

“I said,” Louis drawled, heaving himself off of the couch so he was standing as well, jabbing the other boy’s chest with his finger, “Fuck off, Harry.”

Then everything happened so fast that it wasn't until it had happened that I finally surged forward, a futile attempt to stop it. Harry’s clenched fist made contact with Louis’ face, an action that he saw coming but still, it caught him off guard. However, almost stumbling on my own feet, I didn't get to stop Louis before he threw a punch at Harry, hitting him right on the nose. Despite the fact that he was a bit smaller than Harry, his punch still jolted him backwards and I took that as an opportunity for me to stand between them.

“Stop,” I hissed at them before I added, “Fucking stop this.”

Louis looked at me or rather, glared at me, his hand clutching one side of his face though he shouldn't because a direct contact with the bruise only made him wince in pain. Glancing through my shoulder, I saw that Harry was doing the same, except he was touching his nose, wiping the blood with the sleeve of his shirt.

“I’m gonna get ice now,” I told them, my eyes darting from Harry to Louis, both of them refused to look at me. “I need you two to stay as far away from each other as possible.”

With that being said, I ran to the kitchen, heading straight to the fridge. I could barely get my grip on the handle because my hands were shaking, numbing me from getting a proper grip. Closing my eyes, I willed myself to get my shit together. It was hard to do so, though, considering that every time I closed my eyes, I saw both Harry and Louis punching, all bloody nose and bruised face and I found myself worrying. And worse, I began to blame myself for everything that happened.

When I returned to the living room, Harry was no longer around and there was only Louis who’s pacing back and forth. Upon seeing me from the corner of his eyes, he stopped and took the ice pack from my hand. Before I could open my mouth and say something to him, he’d already turned and bolted from the room.

Sighing, I made my way out of the flat because as much as I was worried about Louis, I was worried about Harry too.

Though any other days – since I started coming over to his place every now and then, that is – I wouldn't knock on his door, given what had just happened, I gave it two knocks before I opened the door and walked in. Just like the first time I popped up in his place, he looked alarmed when he heard the click of the door.

Hesitation was evident with every step that I took, afraid to get a closer look at Harry’s face and he seemed to notice that because a second later, he offered me a small smile – one that didn't reach his eyes. A part of me was prompted to come forward, whereas another part of me wanted to flee. I was, after all, the reason why he and Louis got into that fist fight and the reason for the blood tainting his –t-shirt.  

“Hi,” I approached him with a smile, occupying the spot next to him on the couch as he scooted over. Without waiting for him to say anything in reply, I leant forward to place the ice pack against the side of his nose, taking his hand in mine and replacing my hand with his.

“S’not broken, bunny, don’t worry,” he told me, a smug smirk touching his lips. At that, I let out a relieved sigh and my body visibly relaxed. “Were you worried ‘bout me?”

I gave him a sideway glance, taking in the curve of his lips and the dimples indenting both sides of his cheeks. “Maybe,” I admitted under my breath. “What were you thinking?”

“That you wouldn't come home to see all that,” he answered sincerely, a look of guilt flashing in his green eyes. Putting down the ice, he let out a sigh as he faced me, “I can’t believe he refused to apologise to you.”

Just like yesterday, I told him the same thing, “Harry, s’fine.”

“No, it’s not,” he countered with a shake of his head. He ran his fingers through his hair, a frustrated groan escaping his throat, “Tenley, you need to stop giving him chances. He doesn't deserve it, fuck, he doesn't deserve you.”

The last sentence was barely audible, but thanks to the silence, I heard him clearly. Looking at him, all I saw was sincerity and concern. He was truly concerned about me and I appreciated that, but I was an adult and I knew what or who deserved and didn't deserve me. I didn't need anyone to provide me guidance in regards to that.

I offered him a smile as I got up from his couch, “Thank you for sticking up for me, Harry, but I need to go and see Louis now.”  

At the mention of Louis’ name, his face dropped and he didn't bother to hide it. Nodding his head, he took the ice and pressed it against his nose, casting his gaze elsewhere as though he didn't want to watch me walk away. I gave him one last look before I turned around and left his flat to return to mine.

Once I was positive that I was ready to face Louis, I took a deep breath and knocked on his bedroom door. When there was no respond from the other side of the door, I turned the knob, noticing that it’s unlocked and stepped inside.

The room was empty. And that’s when realisation dawned on me, one that hit me hard: he ran away each time things became complicated for him.

[kelyvanessa]

Subconscious

I’ve been slacking a lot lately, at everything I’m supposed to do. Messy messy raw blog.

And today, I just realised that there have been a lot of time over the past years where I get these urges to write stories or ideas or shenanigans about me that I’ve been ignoring because I had something else to do. 

This is the 5th year I am studying Architecture, I’m supposed to be graduating next month but I can’t, cuz I thought if people can neglect their studies, why can’t I do the same. Which in this case, and I’m saying this without tryna offend anyone, is about 70% of the architecture students in my university. Of course that is an estimate. Now I feel like I should explain that which would be irrelevant to what I wanted to write about today.

I do have friends right now that should’ve graduated last year, that are still struggling. The circumstance is different for each, I’m not tryna generalize that every architecture student in my university aren’t graduating on schedule because they are taking for granted their studies, but mostly, it is the case. 

Anyway, after going through this hell of a course for almost 5 years now, without a single break that lasts for more than two weeks, with numerous suicidal and panic attack episodes here and there, it makes me think, ask why I chose this course really.

Earlier, I just realised that it all boils down to my environment growing up.

Well, I guess the most basic, and what I’ve always told anyone who’d ask is that my mom is a graduate of Civil Engineering, and I’ve always wanted to be one ever since I could remember, and I also liked math, so it was y’know I just wanted to continue doing the math that I really liked. Then I got interested in art, and so engineering plus art is Architecture. And so around senior year high school, I changed my dreams.

But, subconsciously the bullying and lack of appreciation I went through growing up was what made me wanna do Architecture.

Honestly, I cried to my dad just to enroll myself in this course; my mom consistently told me it’s gonna be hard (it is, but i didnt have any idea how hard it was gonna be) but that just made me wanna enroll in it more cuz I don’t like settling for something easier, just cuz the initial option is hard. I wanted to show people I could overcome that difficulty, although I’m really lazy.

I grew up being bullied all sorts of things, for my skin color and a lil’ bit about how I’m unpretty to them. I was not popular among everyone, I didn’t have the best ‘making friends’ skills, I was superbly insecure of everything cuz I was bullied. 

When I was a kid, I saw that being on top of the class prevents you from getting bullied. By on top, I dont mean grades really. Just on top in anyway. So I’ve constantly wanted to be better at things than other people, which was bad, cuz it made me loathe at others I couldnt surpass, and sometimes think of myself too highly if I did get on ‘top’ at a certain area of expertise.

By now you’ve realised my thoughts aren’t very wise to share to the world. But I’ve always wanted to share my thoughts, but whenever I do, cliche, I end up losing that friend. And so I stuck to reading books, doing my maths, listening to hiphop music, only befriending a couple other people but not exactly telling them everything about me.I guess those conscious decisions no to partake in the social world so much made me very suicidal, especially in high school. Emo, if you will.

Sometimes, someone would give me the confidence to share my inner thoughts, and then I’d end up being hated by everybody because I couldn’t exactly gauge how savage I’m being towards others. I guess that, the inability to socialize when you’ve got a lot going on in your mind; the inability to just be yourself was really hard.

But then I noticed, when you’re looked up on, people won’t judge you for being savage or even expressing the darkest thoughts in the corner of your mind. They wouldn’t care so much, and they’d let you be cuz you’re a popular kid.

Didn’t everyone just want to be understood, and be themselves?

So that subconsciously brought me to the decision to become an Architect because, Architects are deemed high in the society, Architecture is like a very elite group of people, that unless you studied years on it, you can never be a member of it. It’s not something you can just pick up without years of schooling and practice. It’s awesome as well, because when whatever you’re project’s finished, it is experienced by people. It is an idea from this not so kind brain of mine people can experience it, feel it and critic it but not to your face.

Subconsciously, I wanted to be famous and looked up on, even by the older people, because of my ideas, from studying something very specific and comprehensive at the same time, that not everyone can just do, without having to be pretty or white skinned or talking so frankly to every person that’ll be affected by my brain children.