#am i being intrusive
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grrr having mixed feelings on my blog being 18+ now cuz. my blog is for Everything and isn't inherently nsfw I just need to tag things more responsibility. also not everyone puts their age in their bio so it's a bit confuzzling
#razzle dazzle#im also in a few communities about media for younger people (osc msm minecraft etc)#and id love to rb art by artists under 18 its just. Yea#am i being intrusive#i don't like saying minors ngl it makes me sound like a lawyer or smth#but yea i might just use my minors dni tag more broadly jic#but what do u all think
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I can't believe people give advice that's basically "be less stressed". How can I explain to you that I've been scared of walking down the stairs since I learned to walk and I get an intrusive thought every time I cross a road. And then I have a lot more, actually real and important stuff to be anxious about!!
#like 90% of my intrusive thoughts are about me being harmed instead of the other way around#which i guess can be better than the alternative cause i question my morality less and stuff#like i went through the harmful yo others intrusive thoughts most of my childhood and it's kind of switched at some point#but now i am. unimaginably stressed by. everything#like sometimes i feel like im actually going crazy because how many times can you#live out your own death or have thoughts of great harm being donw to you. its just an insane feeling#whatever i was just thinking about a talk i had with one doctor#who asked me if i have a lot of stress in my life and when i said yes#she said “well you should become less stressed”#thanks girlie#ok sorry for using this post to vent about my intrusive thoughts but they suck ass and i can#never talk to anyone about them#god if i ever said more than a sentence about them I would feel so crazy
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read the nicest goddamn fic and it’s part of a SERIES and there’s only 3 PARTS AND IT HASN’T BEEN TOUCHED SINCE 2020
this is what i get for being 5’2ft
#god it was so good i was genuinely invested#its not everyday i read fics#i genuinely dislike it actually#i will never read a fic of a fandom i actively draw/write for#the only exception being trod because that got me into the fandom#anyways so i was reading this fic because it soothes my intrusive thoughts#replaces them with ocs doing these silly things#got hit with PLOT and awesome fucking characterization#IT WAS COMPLETED#ALL CHAPTERS FINISHED#BUT THEN IT SAID END OF PART 3#AND THAT WAS IT#IT WAS A FUCKING CLIFFHANGER#WHAT DO I DO#WHERE DO I GO#WHO AM I
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Well since I know it broke you, what about something involving Della (OG design) inspired by Never Love an Anchor for an art request?
Do you ever think of me and my two hands, and wonder why they never soothed your fevers?
And wonder why
They never tied your shoes?
And wonder why
They never held you gently?
And wonder why
They never had the chance to lose you?
-Never Love an Anchor, The Crane Wives
(rude.)
#I am owed emotional damages by tumblr user korkorali#della duck#ducktales#ducktales 2017#dt17#literally forever plagued by the idea of della being forever plagued by ONE intrusive thought right before she left#and fearing that her one moment of fear of commitment was the real reason she took the spear#when in actuality it was one last joyrun#but that one speck of doubt will literally always be there#ugh
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how the intrusive thoughts, fear of abandonment, and rejection sensitive dysphoria combo be hitting
#it’s fine! im fine!#(i am 🤏 close to crying and losing my mind entirely)#do you ever just be incredibly triggered by smth someone else does#and you KNOW it’s your fault and it’s just your childhood trauma and stuff being triggered#but knowing that doesn’t At All help you feel better#silas speaks#rejection sensitive dysphoria#adhd tag#audhd tag#intrusive thoughts#abandoment issues#ptsd#childhood trauma#neurodivergence#neurodivergent#actually neurodivergent#actually adhd#actually autistic#neurodiversity#actually rsd#adhd rsd#rsd
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i bring a sort of opening my mouth to ask simple innocent questions and make harmless comments to a public room that my acquaintances don’t really like
#don’t stare at me like a deer in headlights and make me feel like an intrusive weirdo freak. do you want me to just kill myself#i am trying so hard out here to be a person come onnnn i’m not even being weird you’re just being rude#because i am not one of your friends you don’t care about my existence#ARGHGHHGHGHGH am i the problem or not#peach rambles
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there's a part of my brain that really wonders how simon snow would feel if he knew how many people just unironically celebrated his birthday, on a meta level. not because it's like a chosen-one national holiday and he's the protagonist, but because they love him as a person and want to see him succeed, prophecy be damned.
#frequently daydreaming about 'fictional character finds out how much they are Loved'#as someone with a lot of paranoid intrusive thoughts about 'what if i'm being observed by a third party what if i am a book being read' lik#I CANNOT HELP BUT TEAR UP A LITTLE simon buddy do you know that you are our Favorite and it's not because the audience sees you as a messia
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(watched visualive again voice) they should be friends
#persona 4#p4#⛽️🌫#moel gas station attendant#tohru adachi#gsa sl au#arttag#boot.tingting#// shoiuld i tag souji idk it feels intrusive <- LOL#// throwing in art here thats technically a year old because i redrew it. i dont know. remember when i was more shameless about them#// ahh let's go back to the days where i would just be watching vl for the 300th time and not the 1000th and id be making#// love letters about it and essays nitpicking all about it than. whatever's happening now#// referring to my pre october 2020 era as WHEN I STILL HAD FAITH#// wish i could talk to that me as the me i am now we would have so much fun and they wouldnt experience the horrors as badly#// sorry for being sentimental lmao i hope you guys are doing well 💪💪💪
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how did my professor recommend me The Color of Outer Space
and I found the whole ass wrong book
its about a farm??? I was reading space travel what did I do
#makes more sense why prof was like yah know i hate the author but damn its a good spook#oh hp lovecraft#ill piss on your grave but also#i can like#relate to being terrified of the world but he handled it in the worst god damn way possible#the evil is not only in what you dont understand its in you to!! much better sorce of stories#my goal in life is to honestly do his shit better#which is setting myself up for failure#but like#cosmic horror is in us#its the fact we can do terrible things but other people Do Terrible tihngs and trying to understand Why is a worse abyss than any darkness#because no matter Why they are doing something Now#understanding can Possibly help the future pervent things#or just cause another horror#this is not well thought thoughts but a man annoyed his hands hurt and he cant draw#aaaa#also if you read this far#any movie recs?? i want spook but not home intrusion unless its like- cartoony?? does that make sense?? or like Really Dramatic not possibl#not like Hush#is that the name?? she can't talk... or she can't hear??fuck i watched it awhile ago#i liked it alot but i also am jumpy enough so dont need help with That rn#i havent seen most#maybe i should just watch carrie
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Hell is other people('s youtube without adblockers installed)
#everytime i am compelled to watch other ppls youtube i am immediately incenced at being subjected#to the most intrusive ads known to man#tbh this applies to the whole internet without ad blockers actually#also all praise the newpipe team saving my yt experience
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I want to take a bite out of someone's arm but I'm too shy
#it's ok to reblog this post and ignore the rant in the tags I don't mind at all /gen#hi guys#got another load of trauma from school#and I am not dealing with it well at all my legs have been shaking so badly for 4 hours now#had a panic attack so bad that my face went numb and the edges of my vision went black and my legs gave way#I hate my teacher she's horrible god I can't even go into it here there's so much#I'm tired of getting abused at school I've been to half a dozen schools and have not gotten traumatised at ONLY ONE OF THEM#I have no adults I can go to about this#whenever I try to talk with her and the head teacher about the situation and why I'm fucking terrified of her she acts so patient and kind#whenever I'm alone with her she will yell at me about everything I'm doing wrong and continue yelling even when I'm in tears#she will berate me and put me down and insult me directly#when she gives feedback she always puts effort into making it hurt#the language she uses for negative feedback is never what a teacher should say it's always personal and uses your weaknesses to hurt you#I get really bad intrusive thoughts about her hurting me physically because of how terrified I am of her#the worst part is she acts nice and sweet whenever she's not picking apart my weaknesses and being cruel about my disabilities#I felt so sick after that I haven't eaten since#vent tw#trauma tw#listen to my gibberish boy#ggod I hate this school
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...
#hm. im in limbo. but at least i can draw again at last. ive never spent so long not wanting to draw. it was terrible#my job search lasted 4 days before i secured a position at target but i dont start until the 26th so im drifting until then#it feels so weird. like i dunno. i keep thinking abt jobs in a weird way now bc i just sorta drifted into what i do#weird academic stuff but i think most jobs arent like being a grad student and that never really occured to me#i dunno why. i could have done so many things but here i am. an ecologist mostly. i dunno. well see what the summer brings#maybe ill grow some social skills. its sorta weird but like the medication has made my head less terrible with intrusive thoughts. like i#can actually drive my car without hyperventilating which is fucking wild. so Maybe ill grow some confidence abt interacting with the world#going back in the fall still seems impossible rn but so does starting a job somewhere else. but i dunno#not where i expected to be in my life. im just lucky i dont have to worry much abt money#especially bc i got an ultrasound done so they cold make sure something wasnt wrong with my uterus#and its fine. guess it just hates me but that means i spent like 350 dollars for a 10min scan that showed nothing#ay. the us medical system#anyway. i guess ill continue drifting until the 26th#probably i should find something to do. or work on my old unpublished data#unrelated
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Having emotions again is tiring
#sona tag#oc: bean#vent tag#not that I didn't have emotions before but in retrospect my medication definitely muted them#it's only been like three four ish months of being off them after three years so emotions are coming back in a brief but very intense way#and such little things are setting me off and intrusive thoughts are tenfold so I am not having a great time#it's not as bad as it was sure but it still sucks ldfgljkg#I'll be fine it just helps to vent a bit#and draw silly little guys#which I am going to do now
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jon crazy girl moments
#he’s so good at emotional-rage-induced attempted murder#someone get this kid a stress ball and some old glassware to smash in a dumpster#jonposting#asoiaf#jon snow#but on serious meta mode: one of the reasons i love his flaming sword dream in adwd#cause at this point he is much more ‘subdued’ than he was just a year ago. but he still does have a lot of anger it’s just internalized#and being redirected towards a purpose now (anger at the other night’s watchman who don’t grasp how important it is to help the free folk)#but his sword dream is like… his uncontrollable impulsive rage from book 1 being directed at the people he’s lost and had to watch die#like a manifestion his intrusive thought of wishing benjen dead in the snow#‘i AM the lord of winterfell!’ he’s still angry he’s still emotional he’s still selfish#i need to write a whole thing about jon internalized vs externalized anger… cause i have Thoughts
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.
#i was trying to get my music to connect this morning and it didnt because it only ever does like half the time#and now i want to rage quite life#my phone vibrated while i was holding it and it took everything i had not to launch it into the wall#i was planning on getting dressed and doing some light cleaning or an art projecr#and now i'm just lying in the dark trying to find the balance between#validating my emotions and remiding myself that s/h or rage quitting being alive is an extreme reaction to a minor inconvenience#turns out violent intrusive thoughts can be self directed too who knew#because that's kind of the thing do i actually want to die? no not really. am i fantasizing about being covered in my own blood? yeah kinda.#fantasizing is probably the wrong word there but its what ive got#if im faced with further inconveniences om going to start tearing flesh with my teeth#if its going to be mine or someone else's depends entirely on the inconvenience#i need markers so i can start drawing on my skin before i explode#i'm fine i just feel like a homicidal toddler thats all#im not actually gonna do anything mostly because im lazy and cannot be bothered especially if it doesnt go right#so im basically fine#pmdd is a bitch and so am i#screaming into the void#messy thoughts
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this sucks this sucks this SUCKS
#blue chatter#literally NOTHING IS WRONG#nothing weird is happening this week besides being busier than usual tomorrow#which is perfectly okay and I can handle it#but I’ve been having increased frequency of dissociative episodes and intrusive memories all week#I don’t necessarily think they’re flashbacks? bc I know where I am in real life and that it’s not real#but I’ll remember the same traumatic thing over and over again#and it’ll just spin like a broken record in my brain for hours#or my body will lock up and I’ll get flashes of something new I just remembered#and I’m not dissociated because I am *so firmly* in my body but I can’t fucking *move*#because if I move then I’m not safe or someone will be mad at me or smth. idk. I know it’s irrational.#I would really like it to stop#I want a break
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