#always feel like that one my girl is mad at me i should kill myself tweet except i dont even have a girl its just my brain

[ankhisms]

every day i am fighting for my life against myself in my brain

[the-thing-withfeathers]

pushing all the right buttons

a/n: ever since i started writing more & posting, i’ve had sooo much madison muse. so here’s a lil treat of dom!mads. this is also kind of in honor of the encore tour ending, she absolutely killed it this time around & i’m so grateful i got to see her.

pairing: dominant!madison beer x reader

warnings: kinda angsty at first but then smut smut smut, fluff at the end tho!!!! degradation, choking, oral & fingering (r!receiving), cursing, edging, hair-pulling, overstimulation.

summary: after not seeing madison for a bit, you decide to try and get a rise out of her.

•*¨*•.¸¸♪

madison had finished touring about a month ago. you had been at her final show and flew straight back home with her. ever since she’s gotten back though, your affection with her has been limited to kisses & cuddles. you wanted more after months of missing her.

at first, you chalked it up to her mainly being exhausted, which was fair enough, she got up on stage every night to perform her pieces of art. you couldn’t blame her for it. but as time went on, you started to wonder if maybe she lost attraction to you. you had to find a way to get that spark back.

you two were invited to a house party, it was hosted by one of your mutual friends as a celebration for everyone being in one place again.

you wanted to look good. not just good but amazing. you wanted her to notice you, to perceive you the way she used to.

you put on a backless cocktail dress that tied up behind your neck. you wore your down but styled it so it would be curled, your make up highlighted all your best features.

as you got ready in seperate rooms for the sake of having more bathroom space, you hadn’t seen what madison was wearing. your breath caught in your throat the second you saw her. she was in a blue sparkly dress, it was showing off everything you found beautiful about her body. you always thought she was captivating, her beauty unmatched. she had gold hoops on and her hair was tied up with a hair stick in it that you bought her when you visited her in japan.

“hey, baby.” she said, smiling at you. “you look great!”

great? that’s all?

“thanks.” you huffed, “you look amazing. i love the hair stick i got you!” you said, trying to lift your mood.

“i realised i haven’t used it properly.” she said, looking at it in the mirror. “thought it was about time.”

“yeah…” you muttered, grabbing your bag. “we should go. we’re already late.” you said, unclasping your purse to put your phone in there.

“alright, wait for me in the car.” she said, nodding and rushing to put the finishing touches on her make up.

“okay…” you simply said, walking down to the car and sitting in the passenger seat to wait for her.

•*¨*•.¸¸♪

the car ride was mostly quiet, the radio filling the gaps of silence. you realised she needed to focus on the road so you just used your phone for the drive.

when you both arrived, the party already had a handful of people in attendance. you two walked in and madison was immediately whisked away by her friends that have been waiting to see her when she got back, leaving you to fend for yourself a little bit.

you walked over to the drink table, pouring yourself something into a red solo cup. you feel a hand touch your shoulder.

it’s a girl you hadn’t met properly before but you know she had worked with madison on one of her music videos.

“heyy girl! oh my god, that dress is so pretty! i NEED to know where you got it!” she said, grabbing herself a drink too.

“awh, thank you!” you said. “um… i actually thrifted it. i made altercations to it myself.”

“what?! that’s insane. it looks like it hasn’t been touched at all!” she said, looking at the dress a bit closer. “you’re too talented!”

across the room, you felt eyes burn into the back of your head. you felt yourself to turn to where madison was talking to one of her friends, you two made eye contact. she didn’t look too happy. that wasn’t the reaction you wanted initially, but if it meant she paid some attention to you, maybe you would have to work with what you had.

“you’re too sweet.” you said, turning back to her. “but yeah! i alter a lot of my clothes, it’s just something i learned how to do.”

“that’s crazy. i think i’d just ruin my clothes if i tried.” she laughed, covering her mouth as she did. you laughed with her, it was geniune but you had to sell it. you leaned forward, touching her shoulder. she put a hand on your waist as you two made contact, laughing together still.

you found yourself chatting to this girl— who you found out was named gracie, actually having a decent conversation. you two talked about your jobs, your hobbies, and even a bit about your childhoods before you exchanged instagram handles.

while yes, you were partially using her to make madison jealous, you were excited to make a new friend on your own, at a party where you only knew a handful of people.

the whole time, you felt madison’s eyes on you. she kept glancing at you, a fire in those angry eyes.

•*¨*•.¸¸♪

madison felt herself scowl at the two of you. one of her friends, nick, started laughing at her.

“dude, you’re going to wrinkle if you keep doing that.” he chuckled, following her eyeline until he saw what she was looking at.

madison didn’t mean to be distant from you, she didn’t know why she wasn’t giving you the affection you wanted. she kept finding herself having to fulfill obligations from her work. she failed to realise you were needing her just as much.

she was seething seeing another girl give you the attention that she should have been giving to you.

she caught you excusing yourself for a moment and decided to make her move then.

“be right back.” she said, shoving her drink into nick’s chest and practicing stomping towards you.

•*¨*•.¸¸♪

you excused yourself from gracie to go find the bathroom. you struggled for a moment to find it before taking a chance and pushing one of the doors open to reveal it. you stepped inside and just as you were about to close the door, madison practically shoved the door open.

“mads— what—“ you were cut off by her hand wrapping around your throat, shoving you against the tile on the wall.

“my sweet girl, you thought you could just flirt with some other bitch and get away with it?” she asked, her sultry voice bouncing off the walls. “were you trying to upset me?”

you clawed at her hand, trying to push it away as tears welled at your eyes. as much as you were struggling to breathe, a part of you was excited to finally get what you wanted. you shook your head in a lie, whimpering softly as her hand pressed harder.

“well you sure as hell did.” she said, pressing kisses to your cheek. “are you a little slut for me? is that what you are? were you just being needy?”

you nodded, trying to gasp for air. as you tried to breathe through it, you felt a wetness pool at your core. you loved when she was gentle with you— but you loved this side of her just as much.

“well, you must be happy cause i’ll give you what you want, baby.” she said, her hand releasing your throat. you quickly inhaled the fresh air coming through the open bathroom window. you coughed a little, the air hitting your dry throat.

she pushed herself against you, straightening your back and her hands immediately found themselves lifting your dress. she turned you around and bent you over the sink.

“needy fucking whore.” she muttered, squatting down to pull your panties to your ankles. “fuck… you’re so wet. you love when i just throw you around, don’t you?”

“mmph… love when you throw me around.” you mumbled, holding onto the edge of the bathroom sink for dear life.

madison’s hand came down to smack your wet cunt then immediately after, started circling your clit with the pad of her thumb. you gripped the sink harder, crying out at the pain from the smack. “fuck!” you wailed out, your body jolting at the sudden contact.

“be quiet, bitch.” she said, sharpness on her tongue. “i wanna fuck you into oblivion, we can’t do that if someone catches us.” she said, smacking your pussy again. “you were being a bad girl…” she said, “this is what you deserve.”

you covered your mouth to prevent yourself from crying out again. you felt her mouth make contact with your wetness, her tongue fucking into your hole while her fingers worked your clit. your head fell down, your cheek against the counter. you were holding back moans but your efforts weren’t enough. you were crying out softly every time her tongue pushed into you, tears starting to fall out of your eyes.

this, paired with your touch-starved delirium, made you build towards an orgasm quickly— it didn’t even take madison a few minutes to get you close to the edge. when madison started to feel you shake, she immediately pulled away.

you sighed softly, realizing that you had been holding your breath in. your body relaxed but suddenly tensed up as madison’s fist bunched your hair up into a ball and she yanked you up, your back to her chest.

“look at yourself.” she ordered, forcing you to look at your red tear-stained cheeks. “so fucking good for me. am i really making you feel that good?” she asked, a smirk forming on her face as she laughed at you— it was embarrassing, she was taunting you. “you did this to yourself by thinking it was okay to let someone else touch you.”

“i’m sorry, mads.” you said, desperately wanting her to finish the job.

“sorry won’t do anything, baby. just let me do what i want to you then we can talk about forgiveness.” she said, her hair coming out of your hair and onto your breasts. she tore your dress open like it was nothing, you gasped at the gesture.

“if you’re so good at altering your clothes, you can put it back together.” she said, your breasts bouncing out of the dress. she moaned seeing them come out, your nipples hardening in the breeze.

her hand found its way around your throat again, applying less pressure than earlier but still enough to restrict your airways a little bit.

“watch me fuck you.” she said, holding your neck in place so you were watching. “watch yourself cum.”

she quickly found your clit again, your legs opening just a little bit more for her. she roughly rubbed at it with her middle finger as she placed her chin on your shoulder. she was watching you too. your hand found itself gripping onto her dress while the other was on the bathroom counter, stabilising yourself. you wanted to make noise but couldn’t get anything out because of her hand wrapped around your airway.

“i can feel you trying to moan, that’s so fucking hot.” she whispered, hot breath against your neck. “so fucking hot, baby.” she said, her finger suddenly entering you. you closed your eyes, the feeling was euphoric.

“hey!” she snapped. “eyes open.” she said, pulling her finger out to smack your ass. you whimpered at the loss of the build-up again, forcing your eyes open as she put her finger back into you.

“that’s it, love. you’re being good now.” she said, affirming you. you found yourself smiling at the sight of the two of you— you’ve been waiting for this for over a month and it’s just as good as you were expecting.

you felt that knot in your stomach start to form again, your grip on madison’s dress getting harder. she pumped her finger in and out of you quickly, her thumb supporting the motion by pressing against your clit. her grip on your throat loosened and you immediately let out a loud moan.

“mads.. mads, i’m gonna cum.” you managed to get out. your legs starting to grow weaker and your eyes starting to roll back into your head. you were seeing stars at this point.

“cum for me like the good whore you are.” she said, inserting another finger into you. “maybe i’ll forgive you then.”

it didn’t take much convincing for you to cum all over her fingers, crying out her name as your hand flew to her hair gripping as the tension in your belly snapped. your legs were shaking as she took her fingers out of you. you couldn’t hold yourself up anymore and fell down onto the floor, your back against the cold marbile bathtub.

“my pretty, pretty girl.” she cooed. your legs were still open so she brought her thumb to your clit again, earning a few jolts from you as you rode out your orgasm.

“you think i’m pretty?” you asked, a small soft smile forming on your face.

“i think you’re the most angelic creature to ever walk this earth.” she said, collecting your juices in her fingers, licking them clean as she pulled away.

“you haven’t made me feel pretty recently…” you pouted, your head reeling from the mind-blowing orgasm you just had. you’re pretty sure you lost control over your words.

“oh my baby… my sweet baby… if i ever do that again, you kill me on the spot.” she said, regretfully. “i’m sorry… let me make it up to you?”

you nodded with a toothy smile, your arms pulling her in for a hug. you were happy to have your girl back.

you two sat for a moment before you found your footing, standing up with madison’s help. you noticed your dress was ripped open still but neither of you had anything to cover you up.

“mads… you tore my dress.” you complained.

“oh! yeah… you may have forgiven me but i haven’t forgiven you.” she giggled. “second part of your punishment! walk back out to our car like that.” she said, turning you around to face the door.

“WHAT?!” you exclaimed.

“everyone’s drunk, they won’t notice a thing. they’ll probably forget about it too!” she defended her decision— which was totally not made just cause she got carried away by accident.

“mads… you can’t be serious.” you whined.

“oh i’m dead serious.” she nodded and slapped your ass.

“now walk, bitch.”

[nyx-is-missing]

hello! Can you write a Clarisse La Rue x reader where they met before Clarisse got sent to camp halfblood when they were little and were best friends then Clarisse left for camp with no explanation then years later reader goes to camp and sees Clarisse for the first time in years and it’s kinda awkward but cute

thanks :)

This is kinda long sooorrry, to help, the part where she gets to camp (kinda) will be in green

Girls on film 📷

Clarrise la rue x fem!reader

Warnings and explanations: bad words (take the kids out of the living room she swears) gender is specified cause it was written as wlw, but it doenst actually makes a diference, fluff, like two sentences, there is a kiss in the picture but they dont actually kiss sorry.

Unspecified parent gender for both sides so yall can pick wichever

Trying not to kill myself.

That was what i was doing 15 hours ago, just as any normal teenagers living (or as i prefer saying fighting for the soul to stay on the body) during finals week.

In my room there was nothing but piles and piles of normal work, piles for extra credit, piles of old quizzes to try to get me prepared for the new ones and a dumb incomplete project for photography class that was due tomorrow.

Okay ill admit, i had a month to make that, and all i needed to do was shoot pictures, but that was the problem, i prefer taking pictures of people, their emotions, whatever they might be, just never ceases to amaze me.

And my dumb project made take pictures of....landscapes.

Not too bad, if i had any actual real talent for that type of photography, but i dont, every picture gets ruined somehow, its the lightning, the lack of it, my camera falls, gets full of dirt and i get so mad that i just give up.

That whole speach was necessary for me to explain what i was doing 14 hours ago, and that would explain what i was doing 5 minutes ago.

14 hours ago i decided to shoot the photos, i could try many times before it got dark, and if o was lucky enough i wouldnt go insane before the golden hour, and could actually get some nice pictures.

I grabbed my totte bag taking with me only the necessary, camera stuff, the camera, some snacks and my notebook to upload the pictures before i went mad.

13 hours ago i was running to save my life.

And do you know that moment went you go through so much your mind decides to erase it?

That happened, now, what i do remember, i was sitting in a bench by a calm road not too far from the town, i had got some actually good pictures, some of me, some of the trees, some of a butterfly, maybe three cars had passed by since i was there, driving slowly, always saying hi and doing a thumbs up, normal, friendly people from the town.

And then i heard a noise that shook the trees.

I remember seeing something, but never what, i remember running to home as fast as i could, feeling my heartbeats in my neck, i remember the noise, but the people in the streets looked at me like there was nothing behind me and i went crazy

I remember getting home, having a desperate talk with my parent while they got my suiticase ready, and i dont remember a single word.

I remember a funny looking guy my age that got to my house, with goat legs and a more desperate look, and i remember one last hug before i left.

And thats all, aside from a hell of a lot of running nobody cares.

Aparently i passed out from shock or exaustion because i woke up in a unknown place, at night, in a hospital bed, with no actual doctors other than 15 year olds teenagers.

And a horseman standing in the corner, with quite a intelectual look actually.

And let me tell you guys that after the talk we had, if somebody told me i would marry queen Elizabeth within 4 days, i would just belived it.

Because nothing ever in my life would ACTUALLY beat up the level of crazyness of finding out i DO have another parent, they are just, A FUCKING GOD. GREEK. GODS. AH.

Then, after telling me my whole life was in fact, a big fat lie, the horseman... left.

Telling me i should sleep in the infirmary this night for precaution and that he was going to get me to a cabin tomorrow.

Like that was the most normal thing to ever happen to a human, he said goodnight and left.

While i sat there just trying to...basically form a sentence that wasnt "for fucks sake what the fuck was that"

I would have loved to say that i did slept that night, dreaming about glory and greek myths but that did not happened, at all.

I walked around the infirmary for hours, opening every cabinet and trying to make my mind to something, i searched for my stuff, and thankfully found my camera, with some pictures i hadnt noticed i had taken, one specific had a blurred thing in the forest.

When the first rays of sunlight appeared i got dressed, and decided that, in order to prove to myself (and probably to the mental hospital afterwards) i was not insane, i needed proof that i was actually living, actually there, being a demigodess, thats what they called.

Very few people were up already, and i did received some weird looks, it was clear nobody knew me, that was fine, i didnt knew anybody either.

I walked around taking some pictures, sometimes getting lost, but everything amazed me, the forest, the cabins, the stables, i found the entrance to a beach too, and then i got to the training area, aparently, i stayed far away, god forbid i woke up from this nightmare with a spear in my head, oh no, that would be bad.

Openning my camera i zoomed in the people, my speciality, it was sweet, seeing them trully smile, and not pretend for the picture, it was a genuine feeling the camera would keep forever, i zoomed around other peoples faces, but my camera focused on a face i could never forget, and she looked back at me, and realized i was there, but not that i was me, because she came towards me with a angry look.

Ill admit, the look scared me as hell, so much i tried to pretend i was never taking pictures of her, i slightly changed the angle and kept my face hidden behind the camera.

Do i need to say that did not fucking worked? No? Thank you.

"Who the fuck do you think you are taking random pictures of pe-"

She yanked my camera off of me mid sentence and stopped completely, looking like she had seen a ghost for some seconds.

"(Y/n)?"

"Clari?"

"How- what are you doing here!?"

She asked, with a worried look, still kind of confused, she did this look since we were little girls, and for a moment i had a big deja vu.

Two little girls running around, playing all day, telling each other secrets and stories, running to hug each other eveytime they were close, i still saw that girl in her eyes, but by her previous look, she did not.

"What am i doing here? What are YOU doing here? One day you dissapear without a trace, and your family said you went to a new school even though it was the summer, and now i find you sparring with a spear? You are that too? A demigoddes, i mean?"

I spoke fast, nervous, as if my time in the world with her would end just as it did once.

Instead of responding me right away, clarisse did something that maybe would scare every single soul she knew in the past years.

She hugged me. Hard.

Breathing me in, and not letting me go exactly as you would expect of someone who hasnt seen me in years.

"I couldnt tell you anything... it wouldnt be safe...im sorry, i missed my friend... i missed you."

I just looked at her for some seconds, and then hugged her again, this time i was the one making it extra tight, i was the one going insane by the reconforting smell of her shampoo, praying that she couldnt feel my heartbeats against her chest, and how strong they were.

"Just.. dont leave me again okay? And ill forgive you, i promisse"

[girly-interrupted]

when he says i love you but sid vicious said:

“every day without nancy gets worse and worse. I just hope that when I die I go the same place as her. Otherwise I will never find peace. Frank said in the paper that Nancy was born in pain and lived in pain all her life. When I first met her, and for about six months after that, I spent practically the whole time in tears. Her pain was just too much to bear. Because, you see, I felt Nancy’s pain as though it were my own, worse even. But she said that I must be strong for her or otherwise she would have to leave me. So I became strong for her, and she began to stop having asthma attacks and seemed to be going through a lot less pain. I realized that she had never known love and was desperately searching for someone to love her. It was the only thing she really needed. I gave her the love that she needed so badly and it comforts me to know that I made her very happy during the time we were together, where she had only known unhappiness before. Oh Debbie, I love her with such passion. Every day is agony without her. I know now that it is possible to die from a broken heart. Because when you love someone as much as we love each other, they become fundamental to your existence. So I will die soon, even if I don’t kill myself. I guess you could say that I’m pining for her. I could live without food or water longer than I’m going to survive with out Nancy. Thank you so much for understanding us, Debbie. It means so much to me, and I know it meant alot to Nancy. She really loves you, and so do I. How did she know when she was going to die? I always prayed that she was wrong, but deep inside I knew she was right. Nancy was a very special person, too beautiful for this world. I feel so privileged to have loved her, and been loved by her. Oh Debbie, it was such a beautiful love. I can’t go on without it. When we first met, we knew we were made for each other, and fell in love with each other immediately. We were totally inseparable and were never apart. We had certain telepathic abilities, too. I remember about nine months after we met, I left Nancy for awhile. After a couple of weeks of being apart, I had a strange feeling that Nancy was dying. I went straight to the place she was staying and when I saw her, I knew it was true. I took her home with me and nursed her back to health, but I knew that if I hadn’t bothered she would have died. Nancy was just a poor baby, desperate for love. It made me so happy to give her love, and believe me, no man ever loved a woman with such burning passion as I love Nancy. I never even looked at others. No one was as beautiful as my Nancy. Enclosed is a poem I wrote for her. It kind of sums up how much I love her. If possible, I would love to see you before I die. You are the only one who understood. […] all I can say is that they never loved anyone as passionately as I love Nancy. I always felt unworthy to be loved by someone so beautiful as her. Everything we did was beautiful. At the climax of our lovemaking, I just used to break down and cry. It was so beautiful it was almost unbearable. It makes me mad when people say “you must have really loved her.” So they think I don’t still love her? At least when I die, we will be together.I feel like a lost child, so alone. The nights are the worst. I used to hold Nancy close to me all night so that she wouldn’t have nightmares and I just can’t sleep without my beautiful baby in my arms. So warm and gentle and vulnerable. No one should expect me to live without her. She was a part of me.

Nancy, you were my little baby girl and I shared all your fears. such joy to hold you in my arms and kiss away your tears. But now you’re gone there’s only pain and nothing I can do. and I don’t want to live this life if I can’t live for you. to my beautiful baby girl our love will never die.”

[whorediaries-09]

down bad;

pairing- james potter x reader warning(s)- death, angst. a/n- i'm in my moods lately. a bit of angst to calm my soul and to feed my babies. short and sour :)

little train.

death was easy. unlike the concept of pain that came along with death, which had been ingrained into your mind as you grew, it was easy. even if you lay on the cold hard ground, slowly losing your senses as the acid from your stomach burned your organs, destroying them. your eyes ran dry, hands slowly losing strength and senses to hold back the blood flowing from your stomach.

or perhaps it was interest you lost. in saving yourself. the bloodcurdling screams had stopped, your ears were cold, devoid of hearing anything.

bellatrix knew how to kill. she didn't kill for vengeance. she killed because it was her passion. to kill and hurt people. to destroy them and their loved ones. her words were colder than any sword that could kill one. one could see the mad love behind her eyes as she killed.

you knew that. nobody could've known it better than you. but yet when it was time to choose between your life and your friends, you'd chosen your friends. your friends had families to build. your friends had someone waiting for them. but you had no one.

so, you decided to confront her, despite the protests of your friends.

the duel had been going pretty well, before she decided to puncture your emotions. it began with calling you a nobody in the wizarding world. it ended with you on your knees, as she taunted you for falling in love with a married man.

'what would you know about love, bellatrix? you belong to generations of inbreeding,' you spat. you saw the color leave her eyes. you saw yourself touching a nerve. and before you could do anything, you found yourself lying on the cold hard ground, blood oozing out of your stomach like a fountain.

she screamed, hysterically, maniacally, joyfully.

'oh i know about love! look what it's done to you now,'

*-

with shaking hands, james put the tape in the tape player. it was an anonymous mail. he knew better than accepting anonymous mails, given the high risk due to the circumstances. he'd just lost a friend. the grief and guilt still weighed down upon him.

he consoled himself by thinking that the death eaters wouldn't know the muggle ways of tapes or mails. they were petrified of the idea of death.

there was a static noise, before a cough. a cough he knew a bit too well. it hit him like a jab in the stomach.

'hi. if you're hearing this, then i'm dead. but i cannot simply die without confessing a few secrets you should know. so, this is my confession.'

james knew this voice a little too well. the girl he'd first fallen in love with. the woman who was dead, and would never return.

'i've never actually loved someone. it had just been you i'd decided to fall in love with. but of course. fate has always been cruel with me.'

james felt a growing lump in his throat. his eyes burned.

'before i could ever confess to you, i found out lily had finally said yes to your date after the years you'd spent pestering her. i don't remember feeling anything particularly. i remember it hurt me. it wounded me, it made me numb.'

the tears that flowed down his cheeks were warm and salty. the day was crystal clear in his memories. how you'd stopped talking to him, and started avoiding him and his constant confrontations asking you about your absence.

'but then it started to hurt. so much. it began with you changing places with peter to sit beside lily. then began her melodious laughter ringing into my dumb eardrums. then began the start of your beautiful relationship. which was nothing but an eyesore. i knew i had to get myself out from your friendship to end what i'd been feeling.'

he swallowed thickly, tears uncontrollable. he remembered how he'd had a crush on you as a fourteen year old, but you weren't quite close to him or his friend group back then. as he got to know you slowly, he realized that he'd never liked you. he liked the idea of you. he had always loved lily.

'then started your confrontations. i tried to ignore you, and i thought it wouldn't be too hard, given there was not much time left for school to finish anyways. turns out i was wrong. we had to join the order, since voldemort is at large. and we had to spend more time together. at meetings. at missions.'

james could remember the first time he'd seen you after hogwarts. you had changed a lot. it seemed as if you'd lost your charm. your shine.

'then you took me to choose the ring with which you proposed lily. and i think, that was my last straw before i let loose of any hope. and i knew it is wrong. but i'm doomed aren't i? always have been.'

james hated the fact that he hadn't done anything. even if he'd never liked you romantically, he'd loved you. you'd left the world without any closure. the closure you thought you didn't need. the closure he thought you deserved.

'you thought that it would be a nice way to catch up. but you only lost me. but trust me i was happy for you. i was happy that you got to marry the woman you'd always wanted to marry. i am happy that you got to marry the woman you'd loved. but sometimes i turn sour, thinking why couldn't it be me? and i really hate myself for it.'

your voice paused, and you took a deep breathe. cold air chilled down his spine.

'i didn't opt to be your odd man out. but i guess, that's what i was. but now that i'm no more, and you can't confront me anymore, i just need to say this, no matter how morally wrong it might be.'

james felt his heart pause. it was like a rare breathe.

'i love you.'

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taglist - @reggieisfit @siriuslycaptainofthedawntreader @jamespottergf @eternallybipanicking @fictional-magic @iamgayforyourmom1510

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[didyoulookforme]

hi friends 👋

i just wanted to stop by to share some of the fics which i always return to and are now like comfort food for me. all of these awesome writers also inspired me to start posting here back in march so thank you. i appreciate you more than i could ever say 🤍

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be my mistake by @alovesreading

probably one of the first 75 fics i ever read once i got back on tumblr late last year. it is heartbreaking but i cannot stop myself from re-reading it every once in a while. a is such a sweet and talented person with so many amazing fics that you should check out if you haven't. another one of my faves by her is quarter past midnight, for all of the ross girlies out there.

body piercer!matty by @sugar-coat-it

i mean, there's not much i can say about our favourite mohawked punk boy. my dearest belle killed it with this au and he's become one of my go-to matty's in this world. i'd kill for a night with him lol. ilysm belle and whenever i see your handle pop up on my feed i cannot help but smile.

truth serum by @imagine-that-100

this fic is so freaking sweet and i love it so much. again, this is another one which i found soon after i came back to tumblr. if you even need a little pick-me-up, reading this will do the trick. matty taking care of you will always be a fave trope of mine. @imagine-that-100 has also created other beautiful au's and if you are ever looking for some alex turner x reader fic, will we talk? is beyond.

costumes by @toomuchracket

roleplay with matty in his lab coat? sign. me. up. this fic fucked with my mind in the best way possible. i think it was my first introduction to birthday party!matty. needless to say, i was instantly hooked. mads is an incredible writer and all of her au's are :chef's kiss:

playing on my mind by @ughgoaway

if you for some reason haven't read any of ace's teacher au, please do it tonight. you won't regret it. they've done an amazing job at building such a beautiful, cozy world that makes you feel like you're part of it. ace, i'll never be able to thank you enough for this.

truth or dare by @abiiors

brother's best friend daniel my beloved. a first time fic will always get me and this one stuck in my mind since the first time i read it. the amount of time i've spent reading vee's work should be alarming, but i don't care. i cannot get enough of it.

the dress by @kennedy-brooke

i'm usually a matty girl (surprise to no one here) but this george fic is amazing. the text exchange between george and matty is golden, and the smut is just... yeah. another one i've read way too many times but will never get tired of it. thank you so much @kennedy-brooke for this piece of gold.

-----

if you have the time, make sure to check out their work if you haven't already. i assure you won't be disappointed.

there are so many other amazing writers in this community so i'll have to do a part 2 of this so it doesn't get too long.

thank you for reading!

[bronx-bomber87]

Hello lovely fandom and happy Wednesday. We are cruising along with 6x09. Can't believe we're already on the second to last ep. Not a ton of Chenford or Tim in this one but what we do get is GOOOD. It's an all around good episode though. Let us begin.

6x09 The Squeeze

Recap of 6x06-6x08 got me all in my feels before this one even starts. Poor Tim killing me right off that bat. Always be floored by Eric and his ability to convey so much with a look. How it just makes me wanna hug his hurt away. No wonder Lucy always pulls him in for hugs. How could she not? I’m sure he hasn’t even begun to process how he feels. It’s a lot what just happened to him. It all unfolded in the blink of an eye.

Someone who he used to work closely with killing himself in front of him. Doing so because he’s a dirty cop. Not only that but taking all his secrets with him. Only thing Tim got out of it was Dr. London being dirty too. Grey shows up to the scene and startles Tim out of his thoughts. He debriefs Wade letting him know Mad Dog confessed to being dirty. That he believes Blair to be apart of it as well. Now we all know he didn’t mention her by name.

BUT it was pretty damn implied. With the awkward interactions in the hospital and the rooftop scene. Wade asks if he used her name specifically? Tim tells him no….But it was clear she was who M.D. was speaking of. Grey reminding him to be careful of accusing without any evidence. As amazing as his cop gut is that’s not evidence unfortunately. Loving the hat on Wade btw. Very fitting.

It’s not too long before the accusatory Detective Pearson shows up. Not loving him from the jump. Couldn't stand him for couple reasons. One because douche bag just comes off him in waves. Two the way he comes at Tim makes me wanna knock him on his ass. This guy coming in way too hot for my liking. Far too eager to pin this on Tim.

Makes my protective Sicilian side emerge and she’s not happy. I do love Grey being quick to Tim’s defense. No one better to have his back in this moment. Lucy would be great of course. But Wade is the superior in this moment so his 'back off ' holds more water. Gotta love this man. Always protects his people.

Wade can tell Pearson wants to have a slam dunk case against Tim. It’ll further his career to get such a high-ranking officer tangled in a dirty mess. It's why Grey tells him as such. Ugh. What a schmuck. Kudos to the actor though. I instantly dislike him so well done sir LOL The way Tim watches the body get wheeled away breaks my heart. Damnit Eric you’re too good at your job. Expressing so much in that look I just want to hug him. But that’s Lucy’s job later…

We join Celina officially moving in. This will be an interesting dynamic for s7. Especially after they get back together. I’ll be intrigued how that is all handled... But I’m getting way too ahead of myself. It's hard not to when we don’t know anything. It’s easy to daydream and speculate about the unknown. Anyways John is there and sadly not as a friend but to check in on Celina. She says he’s just making sure she’s not late for her shift.

Nolan commenting would reflect poorly on him and his performance review is coming up. Not selfish at all John….His review should be ‘Needs work.’ But we all know how I feel about him as a teacher. He asks Lucy how she is? I don’t think he expects the epic rant he receives. I mean she has healed some but not nearly enough. Her words sounding like she’s trying to convince herself. Makes me sad. Doing her best to flip all this upheaval into a good thing.

Our girl feels really lost in her life right now. All the turmoil that I don’t know she’s really dealt with. I think part of her having Celina move in is she doesn’t have to deal with it as much. To not have to be alone and sit in her feelings. Because I am the the same way. If left alone too long with my thoughts they eat at me. This scene just being more proof she hasn’t dealt with much of it at all IMO. I know the prevailing theory of the season for Lucy was she was alone. Isolated. I mentioned this in my mini too.

I think a lot of the isolating is self inflicted. Her and Tim are very alike in how they handle emotional distress. At an arms length and solo. Other than Jackson, Tim is the only one she’s really allowed close to her. Tamara yes but that's always been more maternal and not like what she has with Tim. And even him she doesn’t tell everything to and vice versa. It’s very in character for her to do this. I know people thinks because she’s bubbly, optimistic and outgoing this isn’t the case. But it is. Just like how people who are depressed don’t come off that way. When there a signs of it despite their ‘happy or sunny’ demeanor.

She was isolating herself before the breakup even occurred. Rewatching this season she was doing so from the very jump of s6. Their fight in 6x01 being proof of that isolation. She felt herself overloading and shoved him away with her accusation. That was just the start. 6x04 and her rash decisions with Jeff Budny is a huge one as well. She didn’t include the one person she should’ve in that ep. It's how we ended up in that hospital room with her. I’ve said this many times before. But her and Tim are quite alike in how they handle their emotions.

Tim’s is showcased more especially this season. It's easier to detect. If you're really looking you can see her's. Lucy’s were screaming through out this entire season as well. She is a control freak just like Tim in the way she shuts people out. Even her person couldn’t get in and vice versa. They have the same fatal flaw. It’s why their lack of communication became their downfall. Our girl has as much growing to do as Tim does. I’m hoping all this is a setup for s7 for her. To me her explosion here is an example of her not dealing fully with what happened still. Shall see how s7 is handled for her. I'm hopeful.

Their convo is interrupted by Angela calling Lucy. First off I love her looking out for Lucy. Just like she does with Tim. There was a great parallel set for this and 2x12. Angela providing comfort to them both when the other is in distress. Our on-screen cheerleader for them both and I love it sfm. Even knowing what a weird place they’re in, she knew Lucy would wanna know from her than anyone else. We love you Angela Lopez. You’re a real one.

She also knows Lucy well to tell her right off the bat he’s ok. You know her heart stopped when she began that sentence. We watch Lucy instantly go into wifey mode. Both in her body language and tone of voice as Angela explains. How she turns her back to the others when it’s about her person. Needing a moment to herself as she absorbs this information.

Melissa crushing it in this scene with everything she does. From closing her eyes taking in the severity of this situation. To the concerned wifey tone she switched to quickly. We all know she has a million and one thoughts rushing through her brain right now. Mainly was he ok? Does he need her? The worry for him settling into her soul and growing rapidly by time the call ends. Once Angela hangs up she finally turns around and updates them. Concern flooding her tone.

The wifey vibes continue when John gets a call shortly after. Tim has called him to be his union rep. (Only reason he would ever call Nolan in a personal matter...) We watch as anxiety all but pours out of Lucy. Worried wifey mode has activated and it’s not going away. Despite everything they’ve been through. Everything he’s done. Her number one instinct is worry and concern for him. It's deeply rooted. It's who she is.

She loves him so much still. That is written all over this scene and her reaction. That instinct to be there for him coursing through her like a powerful current. I love her stopping Nolan before he goes. The worry seeping out of her tone. Asking how he sounded? Nolan just replying ‘Tight.’ Which is apropos for Tim in situations such as this tbh. The reason she asked this was that she could gather everything she needed to know about his state of mind from that information alone.

When she hears Nolan’s reply her worry increases tenfold. Melissa is killing me in the best way in this scene. Props to her and Eric once again for this season. I can't praise them enough honestly. It hurt so much but hot damn if they weren’t giving their A game and more every single episode. Holy hell. Not that they don’t always. Just with such limited episodes they did really good with the material. Writing was superb for them. They rose to the occasion and then some.

Tim is so anxious waiting for Nolan it’s making me anxious. He is wound so damn tight right now. Not that I blame him but we can feel the anxiety just seeping out of him. The tapping of his feet, hands, and whole body is tense before Nolan arrives. He pops right up the minute John enters the room. He doesn’t look at all prepared for what Tim is about to thrown down at him.

Nolan tries to ask him questions but Tim doesn’t have time for it. Immediately let's him know what’s going on. That they’re going to want to hang this on someone. Now that Mad Dog is dead their scape goat is gone. All that is left is Tim. He’s STRESSED they’re going to hang this around his neck. That he needs Nolan to take over the investigation. I said this in my mini and I'll say it now.

My first thought was I don’t trust Nolan with this….That I wouldn’t have chosen him to spearhead this whole thing. But Tim doesn’t have a ton of options atm. So he’s gotta go with what he’s got. And that happens to be John Nolan right now. He asks Tim who to investigate? Tim tells him to look into Blair London the rookie police department shrink.

That he’s been seeing her and so has Aaron. That he thinks she had leverage on M.D. and that’s why he jumped. I wanna pause here and say how proud I am of Tim in this moment. Look at him reaching out for help this time. Not trying to quarterback this alone. Handling this completely differently than how he handled Ray. Not isolating himself and trying to figure this out solo. He’s going through the proper channels this time. Not wanting to do a OP and segregate himself from everyone.

To say it sucks Dr. London is dirty is an understatement. Because my greatest fear would be what she does in this episode. BUT I am forever grateful to her in the same vein. Because despite her being dirty she truly helped Tim in short time he had her. Look at the growth in this moment right now. I’ve said this many times already but I truly hope we continue his therapy journey. The results are astounding and I need more of this growth. It’s just like Chenford ship crack to me. Tim growth is my other drug of choice haha Give it to me writers LOL

We see Pearson is under Dr. London thumb. (Monica’s really) It leads up to this next scene that makes my blood boil. I hated watching this scene the first time and I didn’t love it any better second time around. It makes me sick to my stomach to watch unfold. How Pearson comes after Tim like a dog with a bone. The way he uses Dr. London to solidly his reasoning makes me all kinds of angry. I'm seeing red.

I HATE them using his sessions and twisting them for their own gain. It was like I said earlier this was my biggest fear of her being dirty. This right here. Gotta commend Danielle Campbell though. She does a really good job in this scene. Even though this was her idea you can see the conflict raging in her. Because she is the one who convinced Tim to go to therapy. For pure reasons actually. To help him out. Which she did. We know that’s why she’s under Monica thumb.

She used her need to help people against her. That she is only doing this because she is being coerced. Doesn’t excuse a damn thing, but explains her hesitation and almost tortured look in this scene. Especially when Pearson comes at Grey. Accusing him of favoritism. Saying he cares more about that than this city. You can see the restraint on Wade's face not to knock this punk out. How very dare you come at him and Tim like this. Makes me wanna rage so much.

This scene right here is why love Angela Lopez so much. That fiery passion she has for those she loves. How she is unwaveringly loyal to those she holds dear. Tim being that person in this moment. Not gonna lie that’s why I love this moment so much. Calling her husband. Love her of her life to chew him out to defend her brother. Her first instinct just like Lucy is to protect him.

To make sure if he’s charging Tim that she better know first. Hot damn Angela. Tell us how you really feel. haha This man is so lucky to have this fire ball in his corner phew lord. Telling Wes she stands by Tim a thousand percent. That he’s family. Ugh my heart. Gonna make me cry. I love their friendship so much. Give me more of them in s7. Their dynamic is fantastic and I need far more of it in my life.

We arrive at the best part of the episode. After nearly fifteen minutes filled with tension…We need this hug as much as these two do. My god. I adore her being so attuned to him. Lucy sees him and knows she needs to go to him. She can see how tense he looks. The clench in his jaw very evident. Her look damn near mirroring the worried look she had in 5x19. That same longing look to reach out to him surging through her. Worried Lucy is a fav of mine and we got to have that a lot in this episode.

This time she doesn't stop herself and we all love her for it. She worries about him, regardless of the state of their relationship. It’s what drives her to go after him before his elevator closes. That magnetic pull she can’t explain nor describe. All Lucy knows is she needs to be near him and comfort him. That even from afar she can tell he needs her. As I said earlier Lucy is so attuned to Tim and what he needs. It’s a beautiful thing to witness.

To say Tim is shocked when she keeps the elevator from closing is an understatement. Not only that but stopping it so they aren’t interrupted. Wanting to ensure they have a moment alone. Even when she says to be clear she’s still mad. That this doesn’t change anything. He’s still clueless as to what is going on here. You can see it all over his face above. He has zero idea why she is in here right now.

Because in his mind there is no way she’s thinking about him. Let alone wanting to be there for him in this moment. Which breaks my heart. The last thing he ever expected was for her to care for him. Or about him in any way shape or form. Also the 4x09 vibes coming off this hug had me losing my friggin mind. This hug is everything. It showcases their bond, the intimacy that still exists between them, the vulnerability has me reeling and how they are each other’s safe place still. *happy sigh*

The way she pulls him in reminiscent of the 4x09 hug. Tim standing there not expecting this moment of comfort and getting it. It’s the way she draws him into to hide in her arms. Just like she did in ‘Breakdown.’ I’m fine….Only difference in this hug from that one is the way he just melts into her arms. The face smoosh into her shoulder. Once again mirroring that infamous hug. We watch all that anxiety and stress just drain out of him. The tension he was carrying into the elevator leaving his body once he's in his happy place. Closing his eyes and surrendering to the comfort she brings him.

He immediately wraps his entire body around her. Melding into her. Easily falling into this hug and her arms. Like two puzzle pieces that are meant to be together. Fitting back together so effortlessly after time apart. Encasing her back in his hands and snuggling in for good measure. Clinging to her like she is his emotional life raft. Because. Well she is. Holding her as close as he physically can. Cherishing this moment. Because I’m sure he never thought he would experience this again. Holding her in his arms like this. Feel her comfort and love.

These two make me insane in the best way. Also let me once again point out Tim's growth. He didn’t even try to fight her like he’s done in the past. He sees this for the gift that it is and absorbs this moment. Savoring it really. The peace you can see on his face floors me. Eric at it again. You can tell this is first time in long time he’s felt whole. This hug is beautiful on some many levels. You can feel the raw emotion coming out of them both.

The concern that’s been building up in Lucy since this morning coming out in waves. She is tucked in TIGHT to him. Clinging to him as much as he is clinging to her. I'm not ok. You can hear the immense worry in her voice as she asks him if he’s ok? Despite everything she felt the draw to be there for him. The way she looks like she can finally breathe as she asks him that question is EVERYTHING.

We get some good hands hands hands in this hug. I can’t stop staring at her thumbs in that gif either. The soothing way she is running her thumbs up and down on his back and arm. Methodical in her soothing of him. Gah I cannot you guys. Her remarkable empathy shines through in this moment. This was a balm my soul needed so much. That all of us needed. We all know how much our boy longed for this.

Can't get over her face pressed so tightly into his neck. Doing this, as she asks him what she’s been dying to since she received that phone call. Like she couldn’t breathe until she knew the answer to this question. Look at the concern on her face when she does. I’m reeling and sobbing. Lucy looks on the verge of tears herself. Their hearts are just starting to mend in this glorious hug. You can feel it. Ours too.

No one does hugs like our ship does. They’re always top tier goodness. Holy hell. They’re just breathing each other in. Calming one another down. The anxiety that was raging in both of them cooling down to a simmer in this embrace. He has melted into her like butter at this point. Reveling in the comfort and empathy she's providing him. The way he says ‘I am now.’ Reminiscent of 5x21 and their phone call in the alley. How he wasn’t ok till he heard her voice.

Song remains the same in this moment. He wasn’t ok until now. Until she had her arms wrapped around him for this hug. Didn’t know he was holding his breath till she released it for him. It’s how he sways with her and sinks even further into her arms. Smooshing his face even farther into her shoulder. It’s so sincere his reply back that I am just a puddle of emotion. He’s so vulnerable in this moment with her.

Letting her know he wasn't ok until she was there. Imma scream at how much I love this growth in him. If there was any more doubt in Lucy’s mind of his feelings for her, this hug and his reaction to it should clear that right up. That is a man who is still so in love with her. Letting her know he wasn’t alright until she came and found him. I’m not crying you are…. Find you a person who knows what you need when you need it. Even when you’re not in the best place. That’s Lucy Chen for this man. Reigniting him falling in love with her all over again in this moment.

Lucy picking up on this growth reflects in her reaction back. Gah it’s the way she tightens her arms around him after she hears this. Closes her eyes and tries to bring him even closer. Trying to wrap him up in her arms even tighter. Absorb any stress he is carrying right now. The sheer relief written all her face. The way she shuts her eyes knowing he’s ok because she is there. *sobs*

Just melting into this man as she holds him as close as she can. Clinging to him as much as he is to her. I’m not ok in the best way. I remember thinking this hug would feed my soul into the hiatus. Just gonna scream into a pillow how much I love this moment. Their chemistry is insane and with a hug? Even more so my god. We are blessed to have a ship where our hugs are this amazing.

I love this faraway shot of their hug. They are in-sync as they part. How do they do that? We can see how deeply entangled they are. Nary an inch between them. You can see how they were just clinging onto each other for dear life. Look at Tim’s arms/hands. How gentle and intimate his are placed.

Having her as close as he can. It’s the hand gently wrapped around her lower back that has me losing it. It’s just so intimate I can’t get over it. Lucy is retuning the favor in kind. She too is just as intertwined as he is in this moment. Arms clinging to him and her face buried in his neck. Their chemistry on massive display here.

You’d think the hug alone would be enough to make me squee to death. Lucy follows it up with fixing his collar. I’m dead. The most wifey move of all moves. Reminded me of the lint picking from 5x12. Such an intimate coupley thing to do. I’m losing my damn mind over it. Wife energy coming off her in waves. Just seemed so automatic and natural when they part.

Also she touches her arm before reopening the door. She can’t keep her hands off him and I’m here for it. Tim looks like he’s going to cry in that elevator. I also love Tim putting his hands in his pockets right after. Because if he doesn’t he’ll never let her go. They’ll never get off this elevator. He could've stayed in that hug all day.

Basked in the comfort she had to give him. So he puts his hands immediately in his pockets after they part. Ugh my heart. They miss each other so much and this hug is screaming that. Also screaming how they didn’t miss a beat. How natural and wonderful it was. *happy sigh* This hug giving me true hope for the first time.

They re-open elevator to find Angela and Harper waiting for them. They look like they’ve been caught. Like they didn’t just have this deeply emotional embrace. The looks they share before Lucy leaves are LOADED. The expression on Angela’s face... She knows they interrupted something. I adore her saying she can get him extradited if he needs it. Love this woman so much. We know just like Lucy she is willing to do anything for this man.

Makes my heart so happy. All these women in his life want is to support and protect him. You can tell Angela wants to be tagged in so badly. Tim telling her won’t be necessary. He didn’t do anything wrong. That she had his back last time. He has different forces at play this time. Adore her saying 'Different isn’t me.’ Not it’s not ha Sadly last of Tim for this ep. *pouts*

Another telling scene for Lucy. Really really need s7 to clear these things up for her. Because despite being wonderfully empathetic human to Tim. She is still lost in life and not sure who she is. I NEED UC and some other things clarified for her next season. I really do. Just because she’s amazing at UC (and she is) doesn’t mean it’s her path. I do love this scene because it’s just Lucy being Lucy.

Having EIGHT covers ready to go. Our little nerd in action here. I adore it so much. It’s the most Lucy Chen thing she could do. Telling them it takes twelve off duty hours to grow. I love her so much. It’s not a mystery why Tim is so damn gone for her. Their faces as she explains cracks me up. Tim wouldn’t be shocked in the least. Hell I’m sure he was there while she was growing some of them.

The detective line is just another stab at our hearts though. Hoping for clarification and goodness for her career in s7. Manifesting it. As much as I need their reconciliation.(and I need it bad) I need her path resolved just as much tbh. For her to find her purpose and grow. Because once her and Tim do this. That reconciliation is gonna be even sweeter because of it.

I will say I was impressed with Nolan. Enjoy this it won’t last ha He handled investigating Blair really well. Rattling the cages of the potential dirty cops she was seeing just by showing up to her office. I forgot seasons 1-2 Nolan was a good cop. He just got really annoying after s3. LOL Also roping Smitty in was hilarious. He was already there for the food so might as well use him.

It’s the first time in what feels like a long time I enjoyed John. He enlists Nell too to help him with data from dispatch. Maybe it’s Bailey that makes him extra irritating to me. Lmao Sorry Jenna....lol Anyways quite the miracle Nolan pulled off in this ep getting me to like him. Not only that but commend him on the job he’s doing. Helping out Tim in a major way and I can’t deny that.

Nolan’s plan works out like gang busters. He went to her office to rattle a dirty cop into revealing himself. Pearson does it perfectly. Losing his mind about finding out they were in Mad Dog's apt. Like I said earlier I commend John on his work in this. Had Tim’s back and then some with his investigation. If they wrote him like this more wouldn’t dog on him so much lol

The other part that is so great is Grey. He is a papa bear ready to devour anyone messing with his work kids. This part was so cathartic to watch after earlier. Watching him dismantle Pearson like the schmuck he is. Was sick of him stomping around the station. Acting like he can just be top dog when he's really on a leash.

Rubbed me the wrong way being disrespectful to Tim and threatening Wade. Watching him attack Nolan/Celina is Grey's final straw. Puts that turd in his place. We watch him visibly shrink as Grey tears him a new asshole LOL All but telling him to stay in his own lane. Get em’ Wade! Nolan putting together the connection of Pearson and Blair due to this. Was fun to watch them piece this together.

Scenes like this give me agita like no other. My heart was beating in my chest for her. Lucy did a really good job despite the toy. Unfortunately it’s one of those loud musical ones. That not only gives away her position. But possibly her cover in the process. He find it’s on the floor. Looking menacing af. This man gives me the creeps on so many levels. I hated this mission for her on so many levels.

Unfortunately they’ll need her going back into the house. Now that Monica is in play it’s crucial she is there. Especially with Batista investigating who tried to kill her. Lucy is worried they’re going to blow her cover faster with her involved…But it’s a risk they have to take. If Tim knew about this he would be feral. Oh Feral Tim how I miss you. I need more 2x11 feral Tim in my life. That's a wishlist for s7 I suppose.

The ep ends with Nolan making a deal I’m not sure he can make lol But he was good in this episode so I’ll give him a pass. You can see how panicked she is. I am impressed John got her on this bench I will say. Getting her to almost spill her guts to him. Saying she didn’t think anyone would get hurt. That's what they all say....

I will say I missed Tim a lot in this ep after he was gone. That's my man. But it was a good episode. Reminded me of what a good ensemble cast we have as a whole. That's all she wrote for this one.

As always thank you to everyone for reading, liking, commenting and reblogging these means more than you’ll ever know. Shall see you all in the finale with 6x10 :)

~~~

Side notes-non Chenford

We get more insight in how Dr. London is being leveraged. Of course it’s a Monica connection because she is the absolute worst….

It’s great to see Pearson get nailed to the wall at the end of the ep. Prick.

[delusionalwriter02]

hello i saw ur insta as ada member and i loved it!!! can you do it but with the port mafia ?? thank you

Insta as a Port Mafia's member

a/n : hey dear!! thank you so much for your request, I had SO MUCH fun writing this, hope you'll like it<33

<3 liked by Higucci, Gintonic and 753 others.

Yn_theoneandonly : my girl is trainingggg @.Higucci

Chu_uya : to train is to doubt your ability

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : she'll kick your ass

↳ Gintonic : all of us

↳ Chu_uya : what did I do again ??

↳ Higucci : just shut the fuck up and you'll be fine

↳ Daze_i : love to see you're still being bullied

↳ Chu_uya : I should have killed you in your mother's womb

↳ Daze_i : have fun finding her!!!!

The_Hirotsu : Gin you received a letter, I put it on your desk

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : we can receive letters ????

↳ The_Hirotsu : Of course we can

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : BOSS I WANT A MEETING RN

↳ M_Mori : What it is this time ?

↳ Yn_theonenandonly : SINCE WHEN ARE WE ALLOWED TO RECEIVE LETTERS ??

↳ M_Mori : Since forever

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : And I was the only one not knowing this ??

↳ Gintonic : apparently

↳ Chu_uya : you have fans or something ?

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : ALL THE TIMES I COULD HAVE HAD MY PACKAGES DELIVERED TO THE OFFICE

↳ The_Hirotsu : Why at the office ?

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : I spend most of my time there, it could have been so much easierrrrrrrr

↳ M_Mori : Well..... I'm glad you're aware now

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : WE'RE NOT FINISHED BOSS

<3 liked by Yosanurgirl, Gintonic and 280 others.

Yosanurgirl : THAT'S the Port Mafia

Yn_theoneandonly : @.Chu_uya @.Akutagawa @.Tachi_h @.Paupol what went through your mind ?

↳ Chu_uya : I can explain

↳ Tachi_h : no you can't, it was Akutagawa's idea

↳ Akutagawa : NO IT WAS NOT

↳ Higucci : so ? who was in charge ?

↳ Chu_uya : We can't say it, it's confidential

↳ Paupol : Very confidential

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : Verlaine, talk.

↳ Gintonic : Akutagawa ?

↳ Daze_i : mannnnn we never did that back then, the mafia is fun only when I leave

↳ Yn_theonenandonly : shut up, I want the tea

↳ Higucci : we're waiting

↳ Gintonic : Okay let me explain, if you don't tell us, I will be waiting at your door with so many tools it will take 10 lives to use them all, so, speak.

↳ Chu_uya : IT WAS HIROTSU'S IDEA HE WAS MAD BECAUSE THE SECURITY DIDN'T LET HIM SMOKE THERE SO HE ASKED US TO DESTROY THE PLACE AND THEN TAG

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : wtf

↳ Akutagawa : DAMN IT WHY CAN'T YOU JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT

↳ Daze_i : I like it open

↳ Tachi_h : YOU SHUT UP YOU'RE NOT HELPING, CHUUYA MAN REALLY ???

↳ Chu_uya : BE MAD AT THE GIRLS NOT ME

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : @.The_Hirotsu care to explain ? it's childish, I would have expected it from them but from you ??

↳ Paulpol : I feel INSULTED

↳ Higucci : you ARE

↳ The_Hirotsu : I have things to do, see you never

↳ Gintonic : wtf is wrong with you

↳ Daze_i : well it all started when I was a baby

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : fuck imma sleep, you're all just a bunch of idiots

<3 liked by Atsushiii, Daze_i and 863 others.

Yn_theoneandonly : they were SO scared @.Chu_uya @.Akutagawa pussy

Atsushiii : Aku you're just playing rough but you're a real softie

↳ Akutagawa : imma dismember you

↳ Atsushiii : Yosano already did it, be original for once

↳ Daze_i : I raised you so well Atsushi !!!

↳ Akutagawa : don't fucking encourage him

Chu_uya : I wasn't scared I do this all the time

↳ Gintonic : being in an attraction ?

↳ Chu_uya : NO BEING IN THE AIR

↳ Daze_i : being so far from the ground is helping with your superiority complex ?

↳ Chu_uya : Imma pray for you

↳ Daze_i : huh ?

↳ Chu_uya : Pray for you to just kill yourself

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : that wasn't nice at all, apologize rn Chuuya

↳ Chu_uya : ME ??

↳ M_Mori : Apologize to Dazai.

↳ Chu_uya : BOSS ???? I always knew he was your favorite. I'm sorry Dazai

↳ Daze_i : good little dog, you deserve a reward

↳ Chu_uya : IMMA KILL YOU MYSELF

↳ Gintonic : they'll forever fight like child these two

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : Yeah I guess

OzuKoy : Next time we should go with the ADA, it's been so long since I saw you @.Yosanurgirl

↳ Yosanurgirl : yessss my girl we'll plan that

↳ Tachi_h : I'll never understand how you can be all friends girls

↳ Yosanurgirl : because we're smarter and actually enjoy the company of peoples

↳ Tachi_h : bullshit

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : Talk to her like that again, c'mon I dare you

↳ Tachi_h : OH I REALIZED I forgot something at home

↳ Higucci : Yeah run for it

Ranthebestpo : @.p0e I bet 16000 yen that by the end of the weak, we'll have a big event with the Port Mafia

↳ p0e : bet

<3 liked by Ranthebestpo, Akutagawa and 1040 others.

Yn_theoneandonly : I still think reserving an entire cinema is excessive

Yosanurgirl : No it wasn't excessive AT ALL, you saw how none of them can behave

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : They were SO annoying

↳ Higucci : I'm glad we had a whole part of the room for ourselves

↳ Gintonic : If we didn't I would have murdered them before the end of the movie

↳ OzuKoy : And I would have joined

↳ Kyô_ka : It was nice seeing you again

↳ The_Hirotsu : Thank you for letting me sit with you

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : No problem papi, you're far from being the worst one

↳ Chu_uya : SO HE WAS ALLOWED AND NOT ME ??

↳ Gintonic : you talk allllll of the time, I would have knocked you out

Chu_uya : Dazai I swear you're the worst

↳ Daze_i : ?????? you had all the popcorn

↳ Chu_uya :Because I PAID for it

↳ Daze_i : sharing is caring

↳ Chu_uya : The thing is, I DO NOT care about you

↳ Daze_i : you care SO MUCH otherwise you wouldn't have gave it to me

↳ Chu_uya : I gave it to you so you'll stop being so clingy

↳ Daze_i : believe what makes you happy

Atsushiii : Aku I'm never sitting next to you ever again

↳ Akutagawa : I'M THE ONE who will never sit next to you

↳ Atsushiii : What makes you think you had the right to drink MY Ice-Tea ??

↳ Akutagawa : I thought it was mine

↳ Atsushiii : You took water

↳ Akutagawa : The water was disgusting

↳ Atsushiii : 🙄

Ranthebestpo : Poe give me my 16000 yen

↳ p0e : I should have known better

↳ Ranthebestpo : 100% yes

FukuZAWA : Thank you Kunikida for the reservation

↳ M_Mori : Yes thank you boy

↳ KunikIDA : It was nothing

Tachi_h : Verlaine you never do that again

↳ Paupol : What ?

↳ Tachi_h : sleeping.

↳ Paupol : What's wrong with sleeping ?

↳ Tachi_h : YOU SNORE SO LOUD IT'S ATROCIOUS

↳ Paupol : my bad

<3 liked by Gintonic, Higucci and 492 others.

Yn_theoneandonly : Hirotsu is a tired nanny

Gintonic : GIRL WHATS THAT CAPTION

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : pure truth

↳ Gintonic : yeah can't say you're wrong

Chu_uya : @.Tachi_h you put sand in my hair

↳ Tachi_h : Gin pushed me

↳ Gintonic : Aku pushed me

↳ Akutagawa : No I didn't

↳ Chu_uya : I don't care who started the dominos, you'll pay for my shampoo

↳ Tachi_h : NEVER YOURS IS TOO EXPENSIVE

↳ Chu_uya : Yes.

↳ The_Hirotsu : Children stop fighting

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : When I say he's a tired nanny

↳ The_Hirotsu : Boss I need vacations

↳ M_Mori : Take them

↳ Gintonic : NO NO HIROTSU STAY BOSS WILL MAKE US WORK

↳ M_Mori : Because normally you don't work ?

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : We work

↳ Chu_uya : Day and night

↳ Tachi_h : even during luch

↳ Gintonic : 24/24 7/7

↳ Higucci : We never sleep

↳ Paupol : Work is what we live for

↳ OzuKoy : We dedicate our life to the Mafia

↳ Akutagawa : Liars

↳ Gintonic : AKU REALLY ?????

↳ Yn_theoneandonly : YOU BASTARD, not you Gin

↳ Tachi_h : MAN SHUT THE FUCK UP

M_Mori : Well, Hirotsu I think we'll be planning those vacations together

↳ The_Hirotsu : Dear Lord, what did I do to deserve this

Hey! Hope you liked it ? I just loved doing it but including all of the characters can be SO complicated

with love <3

[tomsvouge]

Because I Liked a Boy

𝘚𝘶𝘮𝘮𝘢𝘳𝘺↣ -𝘠/𝘯 𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘦𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 "𝘧𝘢𝘯𝘴" 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘦 "𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘭𝘦" 𝘑𝘰𝘦 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘦𝘹 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘪𝘯 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭.

(𝘐𝘯𝘴𝘱𝘰: 𝘉𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘐 𝘓𝘪𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘢 𝘉𝘰𝘺 𝘣𝘺 𝘚𝘢𝘣𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘢 𝘊𝘢𝘳𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳)

𝘈𝘶𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘦:𝘩𝘪𝘪𝘪 𝘪𝘮 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘳! 𝘐𝘵𝘴 𝘮𝘺 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘢𝘯𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘴 𝘴𝘰 𝘱𝘭𝘴 𝘣𝘦 𝘯𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘪𝘮 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦💕𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘦𝘯𝘫𝘰𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘭𝘴 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘥𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘰𝘳 𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘳𝘦𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘴 ♡

𝘓𝘪𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘺 lahjay10_,teehiggins,yourinsta, and others

Joeyb_9 #1 Fan❤️

User1- ummm where is Alex??

User2-obviously not here

Lahjay10_ -Nah she more like top 3… and not 2 or 1

Teehiggins- who 1 then cause it certainly not u

Lahjay10_ -I’m uno for a reason

Yourinsta- always and forever 🩷

Joeyb_9-🩷

User13- Alex was better

User4-yea better at using his fame and money y/n has been there since HIGHSCHOOL😂

User5- HOME WRECKER🤮🤮🤮

User17-Money hungry asf

User13-all the toxic joey fan girls mad at her for taking a picture with a friend MISERABLE

User18- SLUTTTTT🤮🤮

User20- She’s only a rebound for Joe 🙄he will be back with Alex in a week tops

Sitting in the studio overthinking… as always. Scrolling through Instagram when I see that Joe posted us. I should have just liked and scrolled. But no.. my curiosity got the best of me. Once again I was getting hated on.

I knew this would happen, I wasn’t dumb. Once you start dating a top quarterback all you receive is hate and death threats. Especially when his ex girlfriend is a favorite by some of his fans. Some fans are nice and supportive of the relationship but other are just unnecessarily hateful and comparing me to Alex.Joe’s ex girlfriend.

Alex was not good for Joe at all. All she did was judge him and use him. People only liked her because she was pretty and put on a act for the public when cameras came on. When paparazzi comes she’s the first one to answer all questions and sometimes even calls them to spy on Joe.

As I write on the paper all that comes to mind is all the hate I’ve been receiving. People telling me to kill myself. People telling me that I’m a slut and that I’m only with Joe because of his money. It doesn’t help that Alex is making shady post trying to get my attention. I can’t say I haven’t seen it but I also can’t respond. It seems like anything I do now causes an uproar between the fans.

Some time goes by as I hear a knock on the door.

“Come in!”

“Hey lovie” Joe said with a smile.

“So I was just driving and wondering if u would want to come to my first game of the season before you start getting busy with performances?” Joe asked

“Umm I would love too for sure but don’t you think with all the stuff that’s going on in the media would just make it a bad time?”

Of course I wanted to go to Joe’s game. I always go to his games. This started all the way back in high school. Guess some people that say I’m using him forget I knew him before the fame and fortune.

“I mean this has happened before but that doesn’t mean it’s right. But you also shouldn’t let it affect your day to day life..” Joe said

You sigh as you think about it “ I don’t know Joe, it’s still might be too much to handle right now..”

“Ok how about this. I’ll just get you a suite that way you’ll be in the comfort of people you know” Joe suggested as he strokes hair out of your face.

“I guess that would make it a little better than being in the crowd” I said looking at the paper in front of me.

Joe knew that you had been getting hate. And he knew that this wasn’t the first time. He hated seeing you like this. Seeing you insecure and depressed all the time. You constantly reminded Joe that the hate was not his fault but he couldn’t help but feel like it was. Joe does his best to try to get you out of the house and it doesn’t help that the house has your studio in it. He’s been taking you on walks, having movie nights,and going star gazing with you. Even after all that and more it was never enough to bring you out of your slump.

Getting up in the morning was always the toughest part of the morning. I look to the side of me to see an out line of Joe’s body. A sudden sound catches my attention only for it to be joe coming out of our closet with his jersey.

“Morning baby. I got you one of my jerseys to wear to the game.” Joe said with a smile on his face.

Uhhh sure I’ll wear it but what if people see me wearing it?”

“So? Fuck em. Only thing that matters is us and our love. Who cares if somebody doesn’t like us together. As long as we’re happy that’s all that matters.” He says in a soft tone while sitting at the edge of the bed.

I sit and think about what Joe says and he’s right. I shouldn’t let people from the outside looking in dictate how I live my life or how my relationship is. I’m happy and he’s happy. And that’s all that matters.

“Alright now enough sad shit we have a game to will and people to prove wrong” He said while smiling and yanking the blanket off of me.

I get up and head downstairs to eat breakfast only to see that Joe already made it for me.

I grab the plate of food and see that there is a note next to it. I pick it up and read it.

𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘨𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴!-𝘫𝘰𝘦𝘺

All I could do was smile at him. He always finds a way to make me laugh even when I’m in the darkest of times or at the lowest of lows.

As we’re getting closer to the stadium my mind starts racing. My heart starts going 2x it’s speed and my breathing quickens. Seeing all these people makes thoughts come to my head.

"𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘧 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘢𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘴"

"𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘣𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘺 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘴 𝘮𝘦"

"𝘔𝘢𝘺𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵"

I’m separated from my thoughts when I feel Joe squeezing my hand. I turn to look at him after taking a breath.

“You ok? We’re here” joe says with concern on his face.

“I’m fine just thinking..” I say while looking down at my anxiety filled leg.

“Look at me”I look at him

“Nothing that anyone says is true, you know what she did and you know you are infinitely times better than she will ever be. Don’t let these people control you. You control you.” He said in a way that sounded stern but comforting at the same time. I don’t say anything I just smile and nod this time. Sometimes you don’t need to speak, all you need is to comprehend the words being said.

Once Joe and I got out of the car I start to feel better about the situation I’m put in. I’m just going to meet up with the other girls and I’ll be fine. Everything’s going to be fine..

It’s halftime in the game and the boys are not looking so good in the game. I look at Joe and it looks like he’s looking at the suite I wave and surprisingly he waves back. Didn’t think he could even see up here tbh. I stop waving at him when all of a sudden a drink and food is thrown at the glass. It startles me so I back up a little bit. Looking in the crowd I see her. Alex with a malicious smile on her face. Fans around her yelling hurtful words at me like “slut” “whore” “snake” “home wrecker” and “gold digger”. It was another thing for this to be said online, but something about me hearing and seeing the faces in person made it so mischievous more real. Not just a mind game. A nightmare. It was reality.

As Joe is looking over plays he hears an uproar in the crowd. He looks behind him only to see the suite glass covered in food. So much that he couldn’t even see you. He wanted to go up there so badly but he couldn’t. Halftime was over at it was back on to work.

The car ride back home was quiet. The only sound being made coming from the radio in the car. Joe knew you didn’t want to talk about it. You knew that Joe wasn’t the type to talk after losing a game. But that’s not the reason he didn’t talk. He didn’t talk because he was pissed at those people throwing things at the glass and yelling things at you. He was pissed because you didn’t even get to watch the rest of the game and enjoy yourself. You went back to the car and cried your eyes out in the back seat. All Joe did the whole ride was put his hand on yours.

Once Joe put the car in the garage you walked into the house and immediately went upstairs. You got in to the shower and just cried. You cried your heart out because you knew the sound of the water would drown your sounds of sorrows.

Once getting out of the shower you put on shorts and a hoodie. You looked at the hoodie and realized it was the one Joe gave you on your very first date with him. You two were cuddling and watching the stars on his trampoline in the backyard in high school. The memory made you smile a little. You looked into the mirror and did not recognize the woman in front of you. The sad drained and depressed woman.

Walking into the room was like walking into a room with people you don’t know. Quiet and tense. I got in the bed with joe and turned with my back facing him. I was drifting off the sleep when he spoke up.

“I’m sorry” he said in almost a whisper.

“ it’s not your fault. You didn’t know what would happen today.” I say turning around to face him

“ I know but I’m the one who persuaded you to come out..” Joe said. You couldn’t see his face but you know you wouldn’t like the saddening sight.

“Even if you didn’t convince me, it was probably going to happen sooner or later.” I say reaching up to touch his hair.

“The media asked about it today. I didn’t respond how I truly felt but I got my point across.” Joe said leaning into my touch.

“What did you say?”

“I told them that what has been happening and what happened today was very disturbing and disrespectful towards you and our relationship. And that any fan that has said hurtful things to you and did what what happened today is no fan of mine.”

“That’s very sweet Joey thank you” I say with a yawn.

“Hey, how about we go on a trip during the bye week? Just you and me. No social media” He says pulling me closer.

“Sound perfect” I say drifting off to sleep.

𝘛𝘢𝘨𝘨𝘦𝘥: @nolagriddy @ohlookitsasinglepoeceofpopcorn

[aaronhotchswife]

THE WAY YOU MAKE ME FEEL

Drew Starkey x Female Reader

Chapter 3

Warnings : alcohol, smut, loss of virginity This is the last chapter of this serie. I hope you'll enjoy it !

chapter 1

chapter 2

"There are many things in life that will catch your eyes, but only a few will catch your heart. Pursue those. " -Michael Nolan

It’s the first time that we’re all since Christmas. Drew is talking to the boys, telling him about how at his parents. We didn’t talk about what happened that day in his bedroom, I just apologized for acting like that and he told me not to worry. We’re just best friends trying to figure life out.

"If that is not Y/N!"

"Oh my god! Hiiii! How are you?" I asked the guy behind me, rising from my seat to hug him. "Guys, this is Oliver. He was my best friend from elementary to high school."

He smiles at them, his arm around my shoulder. When I ask him what he’s doing here, he tells me that his friends picked this bar to celebrate the New Year.

"Do you want a drink? " Olivier asks, pointing over two stools at the bar. I accept, taking his hand and following him. I see the girls looking at me with smiles and playful looks. I laugh softly, just wanting to have a drink with my childhood best friend. My heart belongs to Drew, but these past few days I just want to think about someone else and clear my mind. I’ve been in love with him for a long time now, always thinking about him and how cute and wonderful he is. From the moment we kissed as our characters for the first time to our fight, I keep loving him. But maybe now it’s time to let myself live at little bit, without him.

Drew’s point of view

I see her at the bar, talking with some guy. She’s sipping her cocktail, admiring him. I think Lacia sees the confusion on my face because she taps on my shoulder and explains to me who he is. He looks handsome and I can’t help but be a little jealous of how she looks at him. Especially when his hand finds its way down her back, murmuring something in her ear. It should be me with her like that, and I can’t help but be mad at myself for how things played out.

***

Y/N’s point of view

I’m outside with Oliver, still talking about what is going on in our lives. My phone rings and when I look at it, I see a text from Madelyn wishing me a happy New Year. I didn’t even realize that it was midnight already.

"Happy New Year Oli! "

"Oh! Happy New Year! I wish you everything you wish for. "

I smile before hugging him. It’s good to see him again after having lost touch after high school. When I break his embrace, his lips find mine, kissing me softly. I smile on his lips, my face finding its way on his chest.

"Don’t get shy on my now, " he laughs.

"I’m sorry, I just didn’t except kissing someone tonight. Listen, I just probably go check on my friends, they must probably wonder where I went. You have my number so text me whenever you want, " I kiss his cheek goodbye before turning around and entering the bar.

Drew’s point of view

I see her coming back to our table, her lipstick a bit smudged. I don’t need more clues to understand what just happened with her and that man. I look at her, my head filled with memories of the feelings never told and at this moment, I realize that I need to be hers. I would crawl home to her if it was what it took for her to want me.

"You had fun with your friend?" I ask.

"I did. Thanks for asking…" she responds.

"Yeah, I can see that. "

She looks at me with an awkward smile, before sitting next to Maddie, who is almost sleeping on the table. She wakes her up, telling her that she’ll drive her home since she just had one drink.

"C’mon Mad. Let’s get you home. Drew, are you coming home too? "

I nod, before saying goodbye to everyone. Y/N drove Maddie home before parking her car at our apartment entrance. When she unlocks the door, she throws her heels away, sighing in relief.

"God, my feet are killing me. " She laughs, making her way to her bedroom, exiting it with her towel and pyjamas. "I’ll go in the shower; do you want to watch an episode of Modern Family after? "

"Of course. But I need to take a shower too before. I feel disgusting, " I chuckle.

***

As we’re sitting on the couch, I look at her, not thinking twice before asking about Oliver. She explains to me that he was her best friend and that they kissed. I can feel the anger and the jealousy inside of me but I try to act as nothing.

"He’s cute but he is not my type. I would not have a relationship with him, if it what you’re asking. "

"Maybe it is, " I say. "Maybe it’s because I want you. "¸

"What? "

"I want you, Y/N. I want everything from you. I want you to be able to see yourself through my eyes and to realize how special you are to me. And tonight, when I saw you with him, I realized that I need you in my life more than a best friend. "  

"Drew…"

I suddenly have a feral urge to crash my lips on hers and I can feel she wants the same.

Y/N’s point of view

Drew’s lips are on mine and I can’t explain how it feels at the exact moment. Even if I kissed him for work, it doesn’t feel the same. It feels real. It is real. I can feel him smile against my lips when my hand grabs his hair, giving me a little push to sit on his thighs. One of his hands is on the end of my back and the other one is on my cheek. I can feel his tongue pushing against mine and I let him.  He lays me on the couch, his hand caressing my hair.

"Do you want to go in the bedroom? " He asks me, murmuring in my ear. He doesn’t have to ask me twice before my hand is in his and I bring him to my bedroom. He kisses me until my legs are on the side of the bed, making me fall on it. He’s on top of me, and his mouth is on my neck, giving me butterflies.

"I want you, Drew. Please. "

"Asked like that, it would be my pleasure, " he says chuckling.

His hands make their way to the hem of my shirt, pushing it further, asking for permission to undress me. I nod, watching Drew undress both of us.  Both of our breathing is shallow when he looks at me. I feel shy, being almost naked in front of me. His hand plays with the hem of my panties, his mouth leaving small kisses on my stomach. When he takes off my underwear, I can se his eyes glistening.

"You are so beautiful. Are you sure you want to do this? "

"Yes, Drew, please. "

He kisses me one last time, his fingers playing with my nipples, making them hard. His hand finds its way to my core, murmuring in your ear how wet I am. His fingers play with my folds, before pushing one finger slowly into me, making my breath stops. The palm of his hand rubs softly against my clit, and it that moment I never felt better.

He parts my thighs and he places my feet on his shoulders before placing himself between my thighs. The tip of his nose brushes delicately on top of my clit and his tongue glides slowly in my folds. The moan I do makes him smile against my core and when he looks at me, his face is all wet from my arousal. But now I want to make him feel good. I sit up, my hand taking his boxer off. My breath gets caught when I see how big he is. I tentatively put my hand around him, making up and down movements and with the way his head falls back, I guess I’m doing good.

"Fuck. " He moaned.

"Can I taste you? "

His eyes sparkled the second I ask him, and he replace himself to be comfortable, while I start leaving some small kisses on his cock. His hands grab my hair in a makeshift ponytail, before guiding my head up and down his cock. He stops me just before he could cum, kissing me softly.

"Are you ready? "

"Put your hands on my shoulders and squeeze if it hurts, and tell me if you need me to stop, okay? " He instructed.

I nod, while Drew slowly pushes the tip of his cock in me. He takes a sharp breath as he pushes into me, feeling my walls clenching around him.

"You’re doing really great baby, want me to move? " He says, his voice hoarse.

I agree and with that, it’s not long before Drew’s sweet sounds in my ear and each stroke of him against that perfect little spot make me grip the headboard.

"You feel so fucking good baby, so tight. "

"Drew. "

Drew’s point of view

"Drew. "

The way she says my name and the breathy moan that spills from her lips are too much, pushing me right to the end. I watch her as her head falls back on the pillow and her back arches, and I swear that I never saw something that perfect in my life. I try to catch my breath, while she does the same. I cuddle her, caressing her hair.

"Hey, I love you. "

She smiles at me, and her smile is literally the cutest thing I have ever seen.

"I love you too Drew. "

taglist : @willowalexissss @maybankslover @prentissesredtanktop @conniebabyy @arinadixin @chenslucy @h34rtsformilli @tiaamberxx

[thefirstlioveyou]

maybe this is more fanfic-y (and yes this ties with lettergate and that sus st writers tweet), but imagine s5 will walking in the woods, and he grows familar with where they’re at - near where castle byers was at.

he begins looking to find the destroyed pile of castle byers, just out of pure curiosity. he was expecting it to be all blown away by now from the cold and windy winter of 1985 he’d probably missed. but when he finds it… he finds it to be put together. well, not exactly how it was before - far from that. but, there was some sort of effort made by someone. couldn’t be just anyone. why would anyone care for something like this?

he gently rests a hand on the top, kneeling to sneak a peak inside, then falls an unsecure stick. his eyes following the stick, a bit buried, but noticable. he grabs it and opens it up.

the paper seems to have been crumbled before.

“dear will,

i’m sorry i hurt you like this. when you left, i couldn’t keep thinking about this. it felt like something wasn’t fixed. i never got to apologize for what i said that day when we were talking about el and the party, about how you don’t like girls. that was way out of line of me, and i didn’t mean it. i sounded just like the assholes that always bullied you i bet.

i guess i was just mad at myself. that whole summer, everything changed into something i didn’t like it. i was trying so hard to fit in with everyone else. lucas had max and maybe i just felt left out. did you ever feel like you were just trying to like things because people say you’re supposed to? i don’t like having a girlfriend. that makes me so weird, maybe crazy. but, i’m telling you this because you’re the only one that can accept my craziness, and because i lied to you and you deserve the truth - i can’t stop thinking about you, and it’s driving me crazy. i feel so wrong, i feel like i’m making a mistake. it should be el that makes me feel like this - any girl. but i don’t want a girlfriend, i don’t want to be popular, i don’t want things to change. i want to be with you playing dnd forever. i want you to be by my side forever. i don’t want to lose you like that again.

anyway i think you’ll like how i renovated castle byers. sorry i couldn’t get it done the way it probably was before, running on memory here. but you mean so much to me i just couldn’t not do anything and it’s been killing me just letting it be. hope this is gonna at least last until whenever you come back. winter’s gonna be strong this year.

love, mike”

will’s just… crying, shaking. he’s a jittery mess as his heart pounds from true happiness. he folds the letter and puts it in his pocket. he felt something had been repaired in his heart. it was at its fullest, had it not been in many, many years.

he sits inside the castle smiling to himself

[liesmyth]

may i humbly request a director’s commentary for any part of as long as it is day

omg omg very happily!! Writing that fic was a fantastic experience I love chatting about it

as long as it is day (The Locked Tomb, Time Loop, Gideon-centric; Gideon & John; Gideon & Wake; Gideon/Harrow)

Nonagesimus, you owed me so big. You spat on my gift of a perfectly good soul, you trapped me in the back of your head like a bad dream to be forgotten and brought me back to fight disgusting bloody wasps, and then you got me stuck in a nightmare whirl of the worst fucking night of my life. Which, you know. That’s really saying something.

This fic was written for a fic exchange for @augustmourn who had THE most beautiful collection of prompts ever. It was a struggle to pick only one to fill. I landed on the time loop idea and picked the ending of HtN because it's such a WTF moment for Gideon, with everything happening at once, and discovering who John and Wake are to her literally seconds before disaster.

I decided from the start I wanted Gideon to fight Heralds a lot and die a lot. I spent probably days sliding into @nikkicafeina's DMs to figure out the best John & Gideon's dynamic and we landed on John would be absolutely delighted to have a secret daughter!! who's also Harrow's cav!! That man loves finding His People. Meanwhile, Gideon who just watched John do HtN Act 5 would be extremely wary and pissed off at him. She is NOT impressed with her newfound father. Half the John & Gideon scenes in the fic are John going like, "Wait are you MAD at me?" and Gideon who reluctantly goes from "I want nothing to do with you but unfortunately you're literally God and I need your help to find my girlfriend" to, like... remembering that she grew up as a foundling on the Ninth daydreaming of the day somebody would come for her. She never had anybody before (Harrow is complicated) and now John wants to play cards with her while they're stuck in a time loop. Is he a good person? No. Does it matter? No. Nobody ever even pretended to care about her before.

Gideon & Wake was my favourite part to write. It was hard because Wake as a character is so complicated to me — the strength of her convictions but meanwhile she's sleeping with her mortal enemy on the DL! She will do anything to free her people up to and including killing millions! She only ever saw Gideon as a bio weapon but she says "I'm sorry" the first time they meet face to face! Ultimately, the version of Wake that Gideon meets is a revenant who only wants one thing. Gideon, who grew up talking to her mother's bones, has to put an end to Wake's mission because she needs John to help her find Harrow. As I said in the tags: the universe's WORST family reunion. I'm actually pretty proud of how the final Wake & Gideon scene came out because I gave myself feelings.

Random thoughts:

I love naming TLT fics after Bible verses especially when they are sort of ironic. This one is from John 9:4. “As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me.” <- this means. Gideon baby girl you're not getting ANY sleep

I'm really pretty proud of how the Gideon voice came out ngl

Gideon POV grasp of the Lyctors and their dynamics was a blast to write. She does NOT care about the Lyctors, they could die for all she cares (should die probably) but I think she's in a unique position to understand their fucked up codependency. Nobody else understands what is like to go through immortality other than another immortal. She witnessed Mercy and John and Augustine all trying to kill each other the first time around. But she understands fucked up codependency and why John would never let Wake kill any of HIS Lyctors. They're HIS.

Gideon confronting Wake with the fact that the Ninth House nuns named her after the guy who killed her. I'm always thinking about whatever the fuck must have gone through between Wake and G1deon; I loved writing this line: “There are worse names,” she conceded. “He killed me, but he made it quick. Others wouldn’t have.”

Gideon (a normal person) describing the Heralds (disgusting space wasps) and the Mithraeum (bone palace central). I feel strongly that she'd actually like the Mithraeum! She grew up with Crux telling her "and even after you're dead you'll serve the Ninth as a skeleton". I feel like, to her, the idea of bones being used as decoration in a beautiful place instead of as manual labour is quite soothing.

I'm gonna be honest and admit I only came up with section header names so I could call one "2Emperor 2Murder". I think it captures the spirit of the books.

I had SO much fun with pronouns. Gideon-in-Harrow's body sometimes refers to the body she's inhabiting as Harrow's (I bit your lip) and sometimes it's both of them (I looked at the woman behind those eyes. She looked at us.) <- all of these are intentional and were fun to write.

John is the person who designed the #aesthetic of the Nine Houses. It's very important to me that he has a cool wizard sword of his own and he's absolute shit at using it. He's never had to get his hands dirty at close range before. He made himself cool weapons for cool factor and that's it.

I feel like a hack because SO many people liked the last line and it wasn't even mine.

I thought: Harrow, I’m coming. Which, you know. That’s what she said.

^ credit for this goes to @theriverbeyond who's THE Gideon expert in my life <3

WOW TURNS OUT I HAD A LOT TO SAY ABOUT THIS FIC. THANK YOU FOR INDULGING ME <3333

[fanfic writers director’s cut meme!]

[fireflyinks]

good girl

Mike Schmidt x reader smut

contains : degrading (slut) , sort of dacryphillia if you squint, dom mike, p in v, blowjob, praise, use of daddy

MATURE 18+

Mike was a very introverted person. He didn’t like having loads of attention on him, in fact, he avoided it at all costs. When my friends would come over for girl talk and wine, he’d politely greet them before slipping into our bedroom to hide.

“So…” one of my friends turned to me, pouring herself another glass of wine. I was completely sober, mainly because I had to drive Abby to school in the morning and I felt that any proper host shouldn’t be black out drunk. “What’s up with Mike?”

I cocked an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“What’s he into? He’s so quiet when we’re around, is he always like that?”

Shaking my head, I look back at our door. He’s probably asleep, I thought, he won’t hear me.

“He’s actually pretty kinky.”

The girls started to squeal, kicking their feet. “Are you serious?”

“Yes!” I giggled, “he acts shy around you guys but he’s…”

“He’s what?”

I sigh, “Girls, I shouldn’t be telling you guys this. It’s an invasion of privacy!”

“I literally just gave you an in-depth description of a blowjob I gave last week… you’re fine! This is just girl talk, we’d never tell anyone.”

I guess that’s true, Mike couldn’t be too mad. It’s just girl talk after all.

“Okay… he’s into the whole bdsm thing.”

More squeals follow, along with a few gasps and giggles.

“Really? Okay, be real with me, does he like the whole ‘daddy’ thing?”

I laugh, looking down at my hands before nodding.

“Okay… well what’s the kinkiest thing you two have ever done?”

Thinking for a moment, I feel my cheeks flush.

“He likes to tie me up sometimes, and he spanks me a lot.”

I hear a floor board creek behind me, and look back only to be met with Mike’s on me. He pauses for a moment, before continuing walking down the hallway.

“Oh shit.” I whisper to the girls, crossing my arms in embarrassment, “I am so fucked.”

—

By the time the wine was gone and the girls had left, I’d accepted my fate.

As I opened the bedroom door, I was met with Mike’s glare. He sat on the bed, facing the door, as if he were waiting for me.

“Undress for me.” was all he said, keeping his composure. His tone made me so wet. I rubbed my legs together as I slipped my shirt off slowly. I stepped out of my pants.

“Leave them.” He ordered as I began to remove my panties, and I nodded.

Mike stood up, walking over to me.

“Get on the bed, ass up.”

I did as he said, positioning myself in the way I always ended up by the end of the night. Mike has been obsessed with this position ever since we got a mirror right beside the bed. He loved forcing me to watch him ruin me.

He looked at me through the mirror, almost smiling.

“Since you want to be such a loud mouthed slut,” he began to tug at my panties, removing them himself, “I’m gonna fucking treat you like one.”

“I’m not a slut…” I decided to argue back. After all, my fate had already been decided, how much worst could it get?

“Is that so…? Well, you’re certainly not a good girl.” He held my panties up to my face, the wetness glistened in the light. “Because good girls don’t get off to embarrassing their boyfriends.”

“I’m sorry-“

He tutted, placing a firm smack on my ass.

“Don’t talk unless I tell you to. Do you hear me?”

I nodded, my bottom lip trembling, “Yes sir.”

“God, you’re such a bad girl. What happened to my good girl, I miss her.” He unclipped my bra, pulling the lacy fabric off of me and lifting me onto my knees. Mike examined me in the mirror, shaking his head.

“You’re too fucking pretty to be such a bad girl, you know that?”

“Yes sir.” Our eyes met in the mirror, a small smirk crept onto his face.

“No, I don’t think you do. I don’t think you understand how fucking gorgeous you are and how much it kills me that I have to punish you like a brat when I should be worshipping you.”

I hung my head in shame while also trying to hide my blush.

“No.” He grabbed my jaw and forced me to look in the mirror. “Look at my beautiful girl. Too bad she’s too busy telling her slutty friends all of our secrets to even notice how much I’d praise her if she were a good girl.”

“I’m sorry daddy.” My lower lip trembled.

I guess I had been really bratty lately. Teasing Mike any opportunity I had, talking back to him, whining. And now I’d embarrassed him in front of all of my friends. He was right. I’m supposed to be his good girl.

Hot tears began to pour down my cheeks. His face contorted, and he spun me around quickly.

“Baby, what’s wrong? Do you need to use the safe word?” He caressed my cheek, not taking his eyes off of me.

“No, I’m just sorry daddy! I’ve been such a bad girl lately. I wanna be good for you, please let me be good for you.”

He began to smile, patting my cheek.

“Aw, of course.” He laid me down on my stomach, my face directly infront of the grey bulge in his sweat pants.

“You’re too cute, so I guess I won’t punish you if you can make it up to me.”

I nodded vigorously, getting to work pulling down his sweats and boxers. His cock sprang forward, almost hitting me in the face.

“There, baby. Be a good girl and suck on it.”

I took him into my mouth, swirling my tounge of the tip the way I knew he liked. He groaned, throwing his head back with a pleasureful sigh.

“There’s my good girl.”

His words made my core flutter. I bobbed my head on his cock, earning more lewd moans.

Right as he was about to finish, he pulled me off, caressing my cheek. I pressed my thighs together, the friction causing a small whimper to fall from my lips.

“Are you needy, baby?”

I nodded vigorously, “Yes daddy.”

He smirked, “What do you want?”

Gesturing to his still hard cock, I hoped he wouldn’t tease and just give me what he knew I needed.

“Nuh uh, I have to hear you say it.”

“I- I want your cock.”

He tilted his head, putting on a look of confusion.

“Where do you want my cock? Hm?”

I bit my lip, blushing. “In my pussy.”

He smiled, flipping me on my back. “Well, since you’ve been so good for me, I guess we can manage that.”

Mike connected his lips to mine, before entering me slowly . His pace wasn’t the quickest, but he thrusted deep and hard, earning strained moans after every drive of his member.

He played with my clit with one hand, while holding one of my legs over his shoulder with the other.

“Feel good?” He asked teasingly, staring at my fucked-out face.

“Yes, can I cum, please?”

In a matter of seconds he flipped me onto my stomach, so that we were facing the mirror.

“Look at your pretty face when you cum. When I paint your fucking walls white.”

His pace quickened, which drove me to an orgasm. He came inside of me shortly after, staring at my face as he did so.

“Good girl.” Feel from his lips as he laid beside me, panting heavily.

“Thank you daddy.” I cuddled up to him, blushing. I was so glad that I could be his good girl once again.

[a1307s]

Flickers of Green #2

(Dick Grayson & Jason Todd)

[Art is not mine! Credit to fish-goat]

Requested by: quirkyshortdumbo11

Keys:

Y/N: Your Name

Word Count: 6,214

Warnings and/or Pre-Notes:

Cursing

Mentions of Death

———————————————————————

I walk out of the abandoned building, the sounds of my gunshot and the now-dead drug lord's screaming still ringing in my head.

Nowadays it seems that these sounds comfort me more than Bruce ever could. Fucking Bruce. I hate him. I hate Batman. I hate the Joker. I hate myself for letting Y/N die. For dragging her to her death. For not being able to save her. For me being the one that's alive.

I can't let guilt cloud my mind right now. It's hard to kill someone as you're feeling guilty for causing the death of someone else. I need something to clear my head, something to reset myself. Coffee should help, it always did when I was originally alive.

I glance around, trying to get my wits together and figure out where the nearest coffee shop is. I tug my phone out of my jacket, taking a glance at the time. Nine thirty-two. Late but not too late, except for coffee. I don't know if anywhere with a decent cup of Joe will be open. I don't need that watered-down bean soup shit they serve at gas stations.

Pamela's cafe will be open. They're always open. I don't want to go there though. The last thing I need is more memories of Y/N.

I do a quick Google search, hoping to find any other cafe open, but I don't. I don't need coffee, but I do need something to eat and a donut sounds so good right now. I can't even remember what a donut tastes like. I'll just have to eat my feelings alongside the donut then.

I pull up Google Maps, glancing over it quickly before heading towards the cafe. The plus side of Pamela's is that the staff is pretty chill with anything; heroes, villains, and citizens alike.

It seems that in the past couple of years, the girls on staff have been adopted by some of the villains. I see Ivy, Scarecrow, and Harley coming and going from there a lot.

When I was at the Iceberg Lounge - aka Penguin's bar, strip club, and not-so-underground business - he mentioned that he "keeps up" on the girls and pays some of their tuition. He also mentioned there's a new girl that started a couple of months ago and that she's "a feisty little one that doesn't fear shit". That coming from Penguin is a bit of an honor. Not many people can get a compliment like that from him.

Maybe I'll meet this feisty new girl tonight. Maybe I'll take her home. I could use the distraction. However, I don't usually end up doing anything with them when I do get them home. I usually just lose my shit cause it's not the same as it was with Y/N.

I switch between being mad and being indifferent about being unable to move on from her. She died only ever loving me, why can't I live only ever loving her?

The neon lights of the cafe cut into my line of sight along with cutting through my thoughts. I forgot how obnoxious all the neon was. Standing right outside the cafe is Penguin and a young girl. She's in the 50s dinner uniform Pamela's staff wears. She's also wrapped up in a fancy-looking coat.

I feel half bad for the girl. If she's working at a cafe, she can't afford a coat like that, which means it's from the Penguin. It's never good for anyone - much less a young girl - to be in debt to Penguin.

My pace slows as I approach them. "Come on Feisty, just let me pay for your courses. Then you wouldn't have to work so much."

"No, I'm good. I don't mind supporting myself." The girl's voice is soft but firm as she speaks. Maybe she isn't as stupid as I thought.

"Listen here you little bitch-"

"No, you listen here you fucking flightless bird," the girl yells back, causing a bit of laughter to brew in my chest. "I already told you I don't want your money and unlike most of the other girls, I don't owe you shit so back off."

"And if I don't?" He asks, starting to turn the head on his cane. Under the head is usually a knife that Penguin is known to use on people when he doesn't get his way.

The girl yanks the cane away before any damage can be done, causing shock in both the bird and me. "If you don't I'll stab you to death with your own cane. Go back to your dumb pimp square." Penguin stands there for a second, just staring at the girl before he walks away mumbling to himself. His wobble is more present than usual now that he doesn't have his cane to support him. The club owner wasn't kidding about this girl not being scared of anything, or at least she was good at pretending.

Now that the fat man isn't in the way, I'm able to see the girl he was talking to. As my eyes scan over her my mind both empties and explodes. Standing in the neon lights is the spitting image of Y/N, which is impossible... because she's dead.

Or is it? I'm technically dead and yet here I am. But if she was alive, she would have looked for me, right? Like I did for her? She would at least be at the manor, right? Bruce would take her back in or at the very least Dick would... right? Or maybe she didn't want to go back to them. Maybe she's mad at them too.

Y/N - I think it's her - turns on her heels, heading down the road. I need to follow her. If she is my Y/N I need to know. I need to be a hundred percent certain. At the very least, if it's not Y/N I should still watch the girl get home safe after she disagreed with Penguin.

What if it's not Y/N? What if it is? What if this is a trap? Is Al Ghul fucking with my head again? Did he set this up to trap me back within the League? Even if he did, I need to know what's going on. Just in case it is a trap, I stay hidden. I'll have the element of surprise if shit does go south.

I follow this girl, not paying much attention to where she's going but making sure to keep pace with her. If it is my Y/N I can't lose her again from careless mistakes.

My mind runs a mile a minute as I trail her. I need answers, I need to hold her, I need her to be Y/N.

Maybe-Y/N turns, making my heart race. Fear of losing her around the corner mixes with the joy of a split second of light enveloping her.

I catch a glimpse behind her ear. When we were twelve, right before Bruce took us in, we thought it would be a good idea to give each other stick-and-poke tattoos. We tattooed each other's names behind our ears. My name is there, behind her left ear, in my chicken scratch handwriting. It has to be her. There's no way Al Ghul could know about that. I don't even think Bruce knows about our matching tattoos.

My pace quicks as I slide around the corner after her. I need her. I need to tell her I'm here. I need - it's a trap.

Hands land on me, throwing me to my right. My boots slide against the gravel on the sidewalk, aiding in me losing my balance. I fall hard, harder than the Roman Empire.

On my way down, my helmet comes into contact with a trash can. The noise echoes within my disguise, promising to give me a headache.

"What the hell?" I bark, quickly getting back to my feet. I should have known this was too good to be true. I should have known it was a trap. I should have known to pay attention to my surroundings. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Once the sound rattling around my helmet quiets some I'm able to get a grip on my surroundings. Standing in front of me is Dick Grayson in his signature black and blue spandex suit. "Fucking Nightwing," I husk out, shaking my head to get the last of the echoes out.

"Hood," he answers, positioning himself for a throwdown.

From my last run-in with Bruce, it's evident he knows who I am. Despite his attempt to hide it, the Bat was throwing his punches. I'm guessing from the greeting that he didn't share his findings with Dick.

But fine, if a fight is what Nightwing wants, a fight is what he'll get. It shouldn't be difficult to get him down.

I cautiously walk toward him, preparing myself to swing. One easy hit. Just one to knock him down long enough for me to sneak off and find Y/N.

I swing at him, but he ducks. What a little shit. I don't want trouble, I just want to go find - he thinks I'm stalking her. Dick thinks I'm stalking Y/N. Does he know it's Y/N?

"Just move aside, Wing, it's not what you think," I call out louder than I meant to. I throw another punch, trying to get him down again. I don't have time for this. I don't have the want to explain who I am and who I'm chasing after.

Dick needs to get out of my way before I lose Y/N. I can't lose her again. I'd burn the Earth to a crisp before I let that happen.

My thoughts distract me, making me lag as Nightwing tries to sweep my feet out from under me. I almost managed to avoid it but do end up tripping a bit from my late reaction.

"You're a notorious killer chasing after a girl, what else am I supposed to think?" Grayson calls, his cocky attitude present in his words. Well, that answers my question; he doesn't know it's Y/N. Or who I am. Or maybe he does and doesn't want me to know that he's connected to her. I hate the hush-hush behaviors we both inherited from Bruce.

I stumble back, again causing my helmet to come into contact with more metal. I'm definitely going to have a piercing headache for the next couple of hours. Great.

As the object behind me catches my fall, my guns slide across it, reminding me of their presence. If he's not going to go down with physical force, a gunshot sure as hell will work.

Nightwing approaches me, pulling his weapon out from behind his back. He's mumbling, probably answering whoever is on the other end of his coms. Great, I'm going to have to go through Batman too to get to Y/N. If that's the case, so be it. Bruce's name is as good as carved into my bullets if that's what it takes to get Y/N back.

I take Nightwing's distraction as a chance to get the upper hand. Being the asshole I am, I sweep Nightwing's feet out from under him. It's what he deserves and quite good karma. He stumbles back, landing on his back a couple of steps ahead of me.

No time is wasted as I start closing the gap between us. My gun feels heavy in my hand as I pull it out. Richard made his own grave trying to get between Y/N and me again, but that doesn't mean I like laying him in it. I watch as he grabs for one of his sticks as I tower over him. He can try all he wants but it won't stop me; nothing will stop me. Y/N will be safe from him, from Bruce, from the life I dragged her into it.

I level the barrel to his head debating if I should just end it here. It would be quite the message to Batman. "Lady don't!" A young voice screams out.

I glance up to find who else is present but before I can my eyes lock on Y/N. She's rushed and flustered as she races towards me. Before I can stop her, she's shoving the gun up towards the sky. "Don't shoot!" She shouts, her words followed by the sound of the gun going off.

Fear flickers through me before my senses come in. Y/N isn't shot, she can't be, the gun is pointed too high.

She stands in front of me, anger rooted in her eyes as she looks at me. There are flickers of green mixed in with her normal eye color. I take in the rest of her, letting my mind go silent as I look her over. Y/N has a strand of grey mixed in her hair, just like me. She has to be alive because of the Laza pit. She has the same greying hair and recent green added to her eyes, just like me. Mine were caused because of the pit, so hers have to be because of it too, right? Is she suffering from the same side effects I did because of the pit?

"What the fuck is your problem, you daft cow?" Y/N yells, tugging the weapon from my hand before I can stop her. I have to stop myself from laughing at the situation. It's too much like it was when we were younger. Dick and me going toe-to-toe and Y/N swooping in to break us up once again.

"Don't stand there and look dumb at me. What do you think you're doing?" She repeats herself, her attention turning towards the gun.

I shift to point it down, so she doesn't accidentally shoot herself, but she beats me to it. The barrel is pointed at the open pavement between our feet as her hands work on disconnecting the bullets from the gun.

Y/N's fingers look smooth and soft as they work. I want to touch them. I want to hold them in my hands. I want to press kisses into them. I want to touch her. I want to know she's real.

"I..." I start, my mouth feels heavy and suddenly full of cotton. "Hi." The word sounds loud when it tumbles out.

"Hello," Y/N says back, her eyes sparkling. The color I've grown so used to comforts me despite the newly added flickers of green. She's so bright and here and alive.

Her focus stays on me for a beat longer as she hands me back my gun. Our fingers bumping into each other, sending shivers up my spine. She's alive.

I let the feeling envelop me as my eyes switch from her face to staying locked on the shitty tattoo behind her ear. My mind is on overtime, running through a million questions even as Y/N moves up and down in front of me. I can hear her voice as she talks to Dick but it's hard to focus on processing her words.

My eyes snap back up as Y/N stands. She whispers something, the words lost in her uncomfortableness. Am I making her upset? Is Dick? I glance around her to hopefully see what shifted her tone. Since being distracted, Bruce's new Robin has appeared in front of us. Is he making her upset?

Y/N starts walking away, causing panic about losing her to wash over me. Before I can stop myself, I reach out for her, my hand wrapping around her arm to stop her movements. "Let..." I start again, my mouth still feeling dry, and it gets drier as Y/N turns towards me. "Let me walk you home." The words come out quieter than I thought they would.

Her eyes harden as she looks at me and shakes me off of her. "What the fuck is with all you superheroes? Two days ago, I had a frantic Batman shoving hundred-dollar bills into my hand. You have been trailing me for three blocks, you-" So she knows I was behind her? Does she know it's me? Does she not remember Bruce is Batman? What does she remember?

I shake my head again, trying to Etch-A-Sketch the thoughts out of my head. I focus my attention back on Y/N. Her hands are on her hips, her right one popped out. I want to touch her again. I want to put my hands on her hips. I want to feel her between my fingers. I want to feel her warmth against me. I want-

My thoughts are cut off again when Dick starts touching her. "I... Y/N?" Dick says his tone as quiet as mine was. All the love-struck feelings wash out of me and are replaced with anger and jealousy. I don't want him touching her. I should be touching her. She's mine. She's always been mine. What the fuck does Dick think he's doing?

"Good guess," Y/N answers, her figure relaxing some. Does she remember that Grayson is Nightwing? Why does she remember that but not that Bruce is Batman? Does she like him touching her?

"Y/N?" He repeats, his face scrunched up in confusion. He needs to stop touching her before I lose my shit.

Almost as if Y/N can read my thoughts, she shrugs him off and starts walking away again. "That's my name, don't wear it out." Her tune is light and happy, making butterflies flap around my stomach. Nightwing and I stay frozen, watching her slip out of the alleyway before vanishing from our sight.

Dick's attention turns back towards me. His eyes are watery. Apparently, I'm not the only secret Bruce has been keeping from him, how in tune for the bat. "What's next? You going to end up being Jason Todd?" He asks, a sad laugh following. It tinges my heart, almost making me regret being willing to kill him a few minutes ago.

I hum a bit, turning towards the direction Y/N went in as I think about what I'm going to do. I start heading after her before changing my mind. I know she's alive and in town. That's all that matters. It'll be best for her if I back off, give her time to think over the event, and give Dick time to tattle to Bruce so I can see how they'll react. I glance at Nightwing behind me before opening my mouth again, "We both know that Y/N being alive isn't the only secret Bruce Wayne is hiding from the world."

I let the words hang behind me as I walk away. Waiting to go after Y/N also gives me time to think over what I'm going to do. If she doesn't remember parts of her life - if any of it - I don't need to scare her away by coming off too strong.

———————————

My heart jumps around as I walk up the path from the other day. The neon lights are still obnoxious as fuck, but I don't mind. Y/N will be there. I know she will. I've been watching her, keeping tabs on her, getting the hang of her schedule. I know, I know, I know. I sound like a stalker. But it's not stalking. It's... intel collecting.

I know she'll be here. She works until nine-thirty, so unlike the other night, I come in earlier, so I have time to see her. Time to talk to her. I also know they're not too busy at night so the cafe will at least be mostly empty, if not completely deserted.

From my stalk- intel collecting, I know Dick came in earlier to talk to her. I don't know what they talked about though. I don't know if I want to know. It pissed me off seeing Dick with Y/N. Pissed me off seeing him touch her again. Pissed me off seeing the smile that stayed on her face even after she left the cafe for class.

What does Dick think he's doing? I'm not stupid or blind. Hell, even a blind man can see how down-hard Dick is for Y/N. Even when we were younger, he pretty much had hearts in his eyes anytime Y/N was around. She wanted me last time; she'll want me this time too... I think.

The jingle of the bell on the door competes with my heartbeat for space in my ears. Sitting in one of the bar chairs at the coffee island is Y/N. Scarecrow is next to her, helping her with her chemistry homework. I'm not thrilled about this arrangement but at least Y/N is getting the academic help she needs.

"Hello!" Y/N peeps out, sending a smile at me as her attention turns away from Scarecrow. Her eyes soften when she focuses on me. "It's you again."

"It's me again," I mumble, taking slow steps towards her.

Scarecrow stands up, placing himself between Y/N and me. He's always been a small man, even when I was a kid, but he seems even smaller nowadays. "Again?" He asks, trying to look intimidating. He's barely intimidating when he's in his suit, and definitely isn't when he's dressed like a civilian.

"Again," Y/N peeps up, her voice still airy and soft. The same voice that used to whisper sweet nothings into my ear until I fell asleep most nights. "Helmet man here walked me home after I argued with Penguin the other night."

"You got into an argument with Penguin?" Crow asks, turning his attention from me to Y/N. "What did he want?"

"You know, the usual. He wants me in debt to him for another body to do his bidding," She teases a soft smile on her face in an attempt to comfort Crow. Scarecrow shifts around a bit glancing at me a few times.

I step aside, standing next to the skinny man and joining him looking at Y/N. She's so pretty, even out of her style and in the dumb uniform for the cafe. "Can I buy you a coffee?" I ask her, slowly tugging my helmet off as well as making sure the mask under it stays in place. The last thing I need is Scarecrow knowing I'm Jason Todd.

"Look at you, pulling all the guys today," Crow half teases, sending glares my way.

"I guess so," Y/N says, her smile even bigger as she scans over my face. Maybe she does know who I am.

"I have something to deal with. Will you be okay if I leave?" Crow asks, his attention not being pulled from me.

"I'll be fine. I'm pretty confident that I can take him if need be." Y/N giggles at herself, pulling a soft chuckle from Crow as well. He nods at her before turning on his heels and walking off. "What do you want to drink?" She asks, standing up and sliding behind the counter.

"I'll have whatever you're going to have." She hums, starting to make whatever it is she's making. I watch her move around, my eyes drinking in every moment. Memories flow in and out as I watch her. Memories of her hands on me, her lips on me, of her laugh, of her. "What do you think he's off to go do?" I ask, being careful not to call him Scarecrow in case she doesn't know. It would be better if Y/N didn't know; it would be one less person to protect her from.

She hums, her hands working at pouring our drinks out. "He's probably going to go line the fog machines in the Iceberg with fear gas. He gets pretty pissy when Penguin fucks with the staff." So, she does know. Is that good or bad? Probably good in this situation. "Here you go," She murmurs, pushing my cup towards me before walking back around the counter with her drink.

Y/N slides back into her seat, patting the one next to her. I obey, sitting down. Her eyes stay locked on me, the flickers of green swirling around them as she stares. The space is quiet, the only sound being us sipping on our coffees. "Are you stalking me?" She asks, filling in the space and causing me to choke a bit.

My lungs force out a cough in an attempt to counteract my choking. Y/N's eyes stay locked on me, the green standing out as she watches. "I... no?" Why the fuck did that come out as a question? That's pretty counterproductive. "No, I'm not." That's better... maybe.

She hums again, sipping on her coffee as she thinks over my answer. "Defiantly seems like you're stalking me. Most people don't sneak around and follow me all day." Once again silence falls between us. How am I supposed to respond to that?

Y/N sits in silence, enjoying her coffee as she watches me. Even though I know she's suspicious of me, I still find comfort in her gaze. "I don't remember much of my life before six months ago so if I'm supposed to know you, I'm not avoiding you. I just don't know who you are, so you don't need to sneak around me; you just need to talk to me. Well, and be patient please." She says, being the one to break the silence again.

Oh... So, she doesn't know anything. That's... scary. For many reasons. "Is there anything you do remember?" I ask, gently pushing my coffee back and forth between my hands.

"Snip bits of stuff. Though some things have started coming back since I ran into Nightwing and you. Some more came back after my coffee chat with Richard Grayson too."

Don't fucking say his name. Don't say it. You should be saying my name. Should be remembering stuff because of me. Not because of fucking Dick. "Oh ya?" I peep out, glaring ahead of me at the menu instead of focusing my anger on Y/N.

"Mmhmm..." She falls silent, nodding her head back and forth as if she's trying to wiggle her thoughts around. "Helmet man-"

"Red Hood," I say, cutting her off with my correction.

I turn my attention back to her, being met with her eyes already on me. "You're my Jason, right?"

"Ya," I push out, suddenly finding it hard to breathe. The word 'my' repeats nonstop in my head, bouncing around my brain as I try to sort through my feelings of bliss.

"I think I love you," She whispers, her hand dipping back behind her ear to mess with her tattoo.

The bliss is all washed away once the words hit my ears. She thinks she loves me? Does she not remember loving me? Of course not, Y/N doesn't remember anything. Well, at least a small piece of her remembers me. Remembers me enough to know she's supposed to love me and that's good enough. There's enough hope there for me to build on.

"Well, I know I love you," I whisper back, keeping my eyes on her to see her reaction. She's still looking at me, her eyes shining.

She hums a bit, tilting her head as she scans me again. "Can I take your mask off?" Y/N asks, her hands slow and gentle as they slide over my cheeks and come into contact with the mask covering my eyes.

"Ya."

Her fingers are soft as they snap off my mask. The joy drains from me as the warmth from her touch is removed. "Your eyes are green... I remember them being blue," Y/N says, her fingertips soon back on my cheeks.

I can feel my cheeks heating up, both from a blush and the hands present on my skin. "They used to be, now they're green." Y/N hums, running her fingers over my cheekbones before sliding them into my hair. I let my eyes close, soaking in her touches. It's calming, being able to be so close to her again, feeling her touch me again, feeling proof that she's alive. I lean forward a bit, getting close enough to feel Y/N's soft breathing coat my face. "Can..." Asking to kiss her might be a little much right now. Maybe I shouldn't ask.

"Can you what?" Y/N prompts, her hands dropping down to my shoulders.

My eyes snap open and once again they're met with the familiar color and the newly added flickers of green. Why did she only get slivers and mine completely changed color? "Can I take you on a date?" I finally ask, shifting a bit so our noses are touching. God, I want to kiss her. I want to hold her. I want her in every way possible. It's going to kill me having to work back up to that.

"I'd like that, Jason."

Yes. God, yes. "Say my name again," I mumble, rubbing my nose against hers.

"Jason," She whispers, bopping my nose with her own before pulling away from me.

———————————

Butterflies flap around my stomach, threatening to come up in a not-pretty way. My hands shake as I lift one to knock on the door of Y/N's apartment. The knocking feels loud as I do it. Maybe I knocked too loud.

The door swings open soon after, the door frame filling with the image of Y/N. She's dressed up with her hair down to cup her face. "Hi," I breathe out, my eyes drinking her in. She's so pretty, so perfect, so alive.

"Hello," she answers back, her eyes glancing at my hand. "You got me flowers?" Y/N asks, leaning against the door frame.

"Oh ya," I bark out, definitely too loud, as I push the bouquet toward her. I couldn't decide what flowers to get so I ended up getting three different bouquets and had the lady mix them. "Your favorite flowers are orange roses, but I didn't know if you still liked them or not, so I panicked and got more flowers than you probably need or want." That was dumb. Why did I say that? I feel like a thirteen-year-old with his first crush again.

"I still like orange roses," Y/N tells me, taking the flowers from me before walking back through the door. I follow after her, making sure to close the door behind me. Her apartment is small but cozy. There's not much in her home either but I guess that's expected since Y/N doesn't know herself.

There is a small couch and one of those old, bulky, shitty TVs tucked into her living room. The apartment smells nice, like pork and chili pepper. A million different dishes are stacked up around her countertop in the kitchen. "What are you making?" I ask her, sliding my jacket off before laying it on the couch.

"I'm making Pozole. I remember you liking it. Or I think you liked it. Somebody did at least," She mumbles a bit, keeping her attention to the pot on the stove in front of her.

"I like pozole. Alfred and you used to make it for me all the time."

Y/N's eyes light up at my words, making my chest fill with the warmth of joy. I walk into the cramped kitchen, making sure to stay out of her way as I stand in her presence. I watch her like a hawk as she works away, letting the warmth of the stove and the smell of dinner fill the space between us. For the first time in two years, I finally feel okay, finally feel at peace.

"You didn't answer my question the other day," I voice, sliding in closer to her. I want to hold her; I want to wrap my arms around her waist. I debate it for a second. I don't want to scare her off.

"What question?" Y/N asks, glancing at me before turning back to her project at hand.

"Is there anything you remember from our - er - your life?"

Y/N snaps the heat off, continuing to stir the pot as she thinks it over. "There's not a lot I do remember. I'm starting to remember this dude named Wally, I think. I don't know. I'm going to talk to Dick about him tomorrow. I remember a bit about Dick too but not much. I remember a bit about you... about us." Her eyes glance at me, before turning back to our dinner. She picks up some heat absorbers, wrapping them around the pot before setting it on a cutting board on the counter.

She's talking to Dick? About her memories? Or lack thereof, I guess. I don't want her talking to him. What's he going to say to her? What has he already said to her? What ideas is he putting into Y/N's head? Has Dick tried anything with her?

"What do you remember about us?" I ask, trying to push for more information as I try to forget my worried thoughts.

Y/N floats around the kitchen, taking out dishes for our food. My eyes trail her as she moves around the small space. "Umm... I remember us kissing a lot."

I chuckle a bit at that response. We do - did kiss a lot. We did other things a lot too. "Ya, ya we kissed a lot. We were very... touchy." Y/N giggles a bit as she makes our plates. My eyes keep glancing from her face to her hips. I really want to touch her. Before I can stop myself, I push off the counter I'm leaning on and wrap her up in me. My hands are firm on her hips and her back is pressed into my chest as I bury my head into her neck.

Y/N stiffens a bit in my hold before relaxing her muscles again. "We danced a lot too," I mumble into her neck, softly shifting her hips so we can sway together. She sways with me, her body weight feeling so good against mine. "You liked to read out loud to me too."

"Do you not know how to read?" She teases, shifting in my hold so we're face to face.

"I know how to read, I just read too slow for your liking."

"Oh ya?"

"Absolutely not, I just like your voice," I answer, lifting my head from her neck and placing our noses next to each other.

Y/N's hands slide up my arms, resting on my shoulders. "Our favorite book is The Great Gatsby, ya?"

My heart swells a bit at her words. "Ya, it is," I whisper, trying to focus my eyes on hers instead of her lips. It doesn't work so I decide to close my eyes, letting myself focus on her body heat instead. We stay silent, sitting like this, with me holding her. I could stay like this forever.

"Could you kiss me?" Y/N mumbles, shifting in my hold.

My eyes snap open, taking in her face. I roll the words over in my head. I already thought holding her was much for a "first date" and now she's asking me to kiss her? Maybe this is a trap. Maybe I'm making her feel like we have to move fast. Maybe Al Ghul is fucking with my head somehow. "Why?" I peep out, loosening my grip on her.

"Well, my therapist says doing stuff I used to do can help with my memories coming back. We were together ya?"

"Ya, we still are." Her face pinches some as her body stiffens again. Maybe I shouldn't have said that. It isn't fair of me to expect a relationship from Y/N. She doesn't even know who she is, let alone who I am.

"Well, I thought maybe kissing you again would help. We don't have to-"

"I really want to kiss you," I say, cutting her off, and tightening my grip on her again. Y/N's hands slide to the back of my neck, her fingers shaking a bit against my skin but her body relaxes again. "Close your eyes," I mumble, sliding my nose against hers again.

Y/N obeys, fluttering her eyes shut. I take my time, trailing kisses across her nose, her eyes, and her cheeks, before placing myself above her mouth. I soak this scene in for a second before closing the gap between us. Her lips are soft against mine and taste like mint gum.

I shift my hands up, cupping her neck with one and softly dipping the other into her hair. All my need and want and love is boiled into the kiss. Our lips shift against each other for a while, the kiss getting heated way more than it meant.

As my lungs start burning, Y/N pulls back, making me a bit sad. I'd gladly suffocate to death from her kiss. "Jason," She murmurs, her words a little slurred.

"Say it again," I whisper back, tilting my head so our lips are close again.

"Jason," She mutters again. Her lips brush against mine as she speaks.

Fucking Christ. This is too hot, too heated, too much for her right now but I can't stop thinking about hearing her whisper my name all night. "I can't wait for you to fall in love with me again," I say, keeping my tone at a whisper as I glance over her face.

"Why is that?" Y/N asks, her fingers tangling into my hair.

"Because I still love you so fucking much."

———————————————————————

[penultimate-step]

Oshi no Ko 143 Reaction

This was a fun chapter. Ruby getting aggressive finally forcing Aqua to stop ignoring the problems in their relationship that have been simmering for 20 chaps now and actually have a conversation that puts it all out in the open. They're mostly saying stuff I predicted in advance, but some of it took me by surprise.

One bit that made me stand up and !!! was this page:

I thought I was doing something interesting when I compared Ruby's feelings towards Gorou to Aqua's feelings about Ai in my last two analyses but she just came out and said it directly on page, haha. I feel pretty validated.

I still stand behind most of what I wrote last week after this chapter. Ruby is desperately trying to make this a romance, but her best pitch is "I care about you in the same way we cared about idols in our past lives. Parasocially and without regard for the actual person, because I need to put somebody on an idealized pedestal or else I'll kill myself. This is what romance is, right?" Girl with so so so many issues, I love her.

The one thing that did really take me by surprise was the bit where she listed off Aqua's flaws as a person. In the past I assumed that Ruby was intentionally ignoring these flaws and making up a version of Aqua that didn't exist in her head. The way in her mind he's drawn like a romance hero and how she makes excuses for all the things she took issue with before lead me to believe she was intentionally distancing "Gorou, her idol" from "Aqua, the person, her brother" in her head. I'm not sure how to square this knowledge with the way she is (textually, now!) putting him on a pedestal. If I had to guess, I would think she actually is aware of who Aqua is as a person - she was friends with him as Gorou before and siblings for 18 years, she should know him better than anybody - but is intentionally separating this knowledge from the figure she is idolizing, because she needs to keep ahold of something for her mental stability.

I'm reminded of an analysis post of OnK ep 1 I read on tumblr almost a year ago, I forget who posted it so I can't properly credit it but it's not my own thoughts. (if anybody else remembers it please let me know so I can link it!) They contrasted Gorou's parasocial fan relationship with Ai to Ryosuke, the stalker who killed him: both put were fans of Ai, the Idol, but when confronted with the reality that she was more than an idol, that she had relationships and would have children, Gorou decided that the health and happiness of Ai the person was more important than his image of Ai the Idol, and did his best as a doctor to help her, while Ryosuke's reaction to having his image of the Idol shattered was to try and destroy Ai the person. The analysis put forth the idea that this was contrasting healthy vs unhealthy methods of being a fan - that there's nothing wrong with being a fan of someone, necessarily, but you have to keep in mind that you aren't entitled to anything about them, and there's always a real person underneath the performance.

I didn't fully agree with it - in my post about how the series portrays different kinds of love I talked about how it came down very harshly on dishonest and idolizing love - but I did think it was very interesting (obviously as I still remember it almost a year later). Anyway Ruby's approach to Aqua this chapter made me think of that a lot. She makes a big deal out of how Aqua is her idol, their relationship is idol/fan, and she can ignore all his flaws - but at the same time she points out that she does actually know what those flaws are. It puts her in something of a strange position. What would she do if her image of The Doctor, Her Idol, no longer existed, and she was left with just Aqua? Would she care for the person, or be mad at losing the illusion? According to this chapter she fits into neither of those, she chooses to pretend that the illusion still exists even while staring directly at the reality. Ruby seems aware that she is essentially using the idea of the doctor as a coping mechanism, but doesn't want to admit that this desire is directly in tension with the idea about caring about Aqua as a person, romantically or otherwise.

As for Aqua, it's great that he's finally being a little honest with his emotions and feelings after so long, to the one person who is really able to understand the context.

However, I think he's still holding a lot back, especially in the latter half of the chapter, because there are things he doesn't feel that he can say to Ruby, specifically about their relationship. He seems hesitant to directly tell Ruby that he can't be her lover or her idol, he can only be himself - even when he tries to tell her that he can't be the person he was she just brushes it off - and I think with how Ruby's mental health is holding on by a thread he is unwilling to do anything to jeopardize it, even if it means accepting the spot on her pedestal.

My read of the relationship between Gorou and Sarina 22 years ago was that they were genuine friends at the time. Regardless of difference in age and position they were both socially isolated people who found one person they felt they could be honest and open with. This makes their current relationship even sadder - Ruby has twisted the memory of their old friendship into dreams of romance and idolatry to fuel the desire to live one more day. Aqua, who in his last life would have been willing to do almost anything to get her to keep living, is forced to cut away his own relationship to her, both last life friend and current life brother, because being dishonest - being an idol - is the only way he can see to keep her alive and healthy. Both have already cut away most of their other bonds for the sake of the revenge plan, and now they can't even be fully honest with each other. Very tragic stuff.

All in all I really really liked this chapter. The interactions between Ruby and Aqua has always been multiple layers of relationships and mindsets existing on top of one another, and that just makes it super interesting for me. I love it whenever that leads to character tension. They've been friends and siblings and idols and all of that has to coexist, its a very unique kind of character writing that Oshi no Ko does well and I don't see very often and makes me care for the series a lot. I think I have a much more positive view of this arc than most of the fandom because the trainwreck of their relationship is one of the series highlights to me, so chapters like this, where exactly how bad their mindsets have gotten are placed as the main focus, are some of my favorite story beats.

I know there's a lot of negativity about this chap but I'm having a good time over here in my corner. Not sure if it's because I've been letting my thoughts about the series out in posts a lot more recently or because I liked this specific chapter a lot but this is definitely most I've been invested in the series for a while now. I think I was letting the Discourse kind of sour things for me and now I have mentally exorcised it from my mind.

[venusiancarbondioxide]

some notes on fun

this is perhaps one of the more stupid things i've ever written in my life, but i feel like it might be important to make some notes on having fun because god forbid, another human being may run into these issues, and i'd like to give them a hand. in fact, i suspect most of them have, but i'm running into them later than most. i'm 25 years old and trying to figure out the concept of having fun in a way that i'm sure most people have figured out by age 10. but hey, better late than never, right?

some background: for most of my life, i've been an achievement-focused planner, all the way back to elementary school. i was the type of kid who would get a 93% on a test and then get mad at myself because i could've gotten a 100%. i really cared about doing well on standardized testing as a third grader. it was essential to me that i do well in those early school years so that i would get into the right classes in high school, and thus get into the right college and complete the right program to have a Good Career That Makes Me Happy, the kind of career where it's more of a thing that you are versus a job that you have. i was convinced that having the right career as a grown-up made you a happy person, and nobody in my life took any efforts to dissuade me of this notion. 

there were stumbles (thinking i wanted to be a professional novelist, that flopping because of the prospects of writers in the modern day, wanting be a lawyer, that flopping bc of my waning faith in the justice system, my brief forays into considering grad school, etc.), but even when i didn't have a plan, i was always Making A Plan. and having fun was allowed. i did things that were fun along the way! i was in girl scouts and irish tap and marching band and had a small group of friends and all of that. but the most important thing was always sticking to the plan. in my defense, there is a lot of societal messaging that says that this kind of career-and-education-focused life is the path to happiness and i was only a kid, so i don't blame myself for getting stuck in that trap. if you believe in astrology, blame it on the fact that my sun's in virgo, i guess. however, i owe it to myself to try and get out of it, especially now that i'm at a point in my life where all plans are gone.

like, really. i have no long-term plan for what the hell i’m doing. my last two "this is where i'm going with my life from now on" plans went up in smoke, most recently another attempt to go back to school. and i was in the process of trying to make another plan, my third "this is where my life is going for sure" plan in two years, when i realized i straight up don’t know what i want to do. i don’t know of anything that sounds enjoyable to me, honest-to-god. and i finally thought to myself, “what if i just have fun? what if my plan is to just have fun?” 

within reason, of course: i’m not going to quit my job with no backup plan just because my job isn’t fun. going to work is a bummer, but you know what’s worse? being evicted. i pick the least-evil of the two unfun evils. but really, what if my only plan was just to have fun? 

i threw that thought at my therapist thinking that she would say something like "having fun is important but it shouldn't be the main thing you focus on in your life" but she was like "yeah no, i think you should just try to have fun for a bit. i think you've been so focused on plans that you're not even sure what you think is fun anymore."

which, ouch, but she's not wrong. ii would not use the word "fun" to describe my current life, nor would i have used "fun" at any point in my life. fun was a thing you had on occasion when you had behaved well and earned it, not a thing your life could be.

but i want my life to be fun! so far, it hasn't, and i think that sucks. what’s the point of being alive if i’m not having fun? and the reasons i’m banned from trying to kill myself are too long to list, so i might as well try to enjoy my life. i am actively attempting fun and imparting the first lesson of fun i learned onto the uhhhhhh three people that have read all of this so far. 

if you have too much fun, it circles back around to not being fun anymore.

as a person who's had alcohol before in their life, you think i might have already known that one. to some extent, i did. too much drinking results in a hangover, too much fun running around the city makes your feet hurt, etc. a physical body has its limits. i have more than one chronic illness—i know that! but it also emotionally makes you feel like shit, which i didn't know. i was familiar with post-fun fatigue, but it was either a) physical exhaustion but mental satisfaction or b) a situation where something had gone wrong in the fun-having process. but now i have Learned. 

the way i learned this was exceedingly simple: i played stardew valley for 11 hours out of a 24-hour period. 

at the beginning of active fun-seeking (literally like, last week), i rediscovered the joy of stardew valley. i’ve always had fun playing stardew valley! so i played some after work when i would normally doomscroll and hey, much better. much more enjoyable. Having Fun, having a more fun day because i am actively taking time to do a thing i think is fun. but then i had a bad day at work on friday, came home, and played stardew valley for about five hours straight. i only realized how much time had passed once my ass physically started to hurt from sitting in the same spot for so long. and it was already close to midnight, so i had a late dinner and went to bed. 

the next day, i woke up at 7:30am and was annoyed that i had woken up so early, so i decided to play some more stardew valley about it. i stopped six hours later. i skipped breakfast and lunch in this process. my eyes were burning like a motherfucker. my ass hurt again, not to mention my wrist. i had a headache so bad that i had to take a four-hour nap (this was also partially due to the weather—my head always hurts when it rains). and emotionally? i felt somewhere between entirely empty and vaguely ashamed. nothing at all like my little post-work stardew sessions. i was so focused on the fun of the game that i had neglected food, consistent water intake, and basic cleanliness (i forwent a shower), and surprise, surprise, it turns out that makes you feel emotionally kind of shitty. getting that wrapped up in the fun circles back around to not being fun anymore. 

i assume all activities have a similar wall. the fun has to stop for basic things like food, water, showering, that pile of laundry i have to do, the dishes, all of that. doing a fun activity when you’re parched from not drinking any water for six hours and you have the dry mouth disease actually isn’t that fun. the same goes for if your hair feels slimy and your wrist kind of hurts and really any of that kind of discomfort. stop what you’re doing, do the minimum self-care stuff, and then you can go back to having fun if you want. 

so now i have a stardew valley limit: no more than three in-game days in a row, and i’m experimenting with no more than five in-game days per regular day total. that would be a little over an hour of stardew valley per day, which is around what my post-work stardew sessions were anyways. it turns out that a small part of me had it right from the start; good for her! hopefully i’ll get lucky and her accidental wisdom will strike again.