#although their separation was more traumatic (for them)

[hcnnibal]

Since it’s on the brain, was the 1992 Event like a single moment, or was it more protracted over days/weeks/months?

kind of… both…

[starcurtain]

Female Guidance in Aventurine's Life

One thing I haven't seen discussed in much depth yet, but which I think is especially interesting, is the consistency of female guidance in Aventurine's life: Every single person who we have seen on screen offering Aventurine assistance or making a positive difference in his life is female (with one exception, yes, I'll get there).

Under the read more cause it's longggg:

Before even diving into his family, let's just get the obvious out of the way: Aventurine is, at least supposedly, blessed by a goddess. The very origin of his good fortune--be it actual blessing or curse--comes from the literal "mother goddess" who watches over him. This is one of the only instances in Star Rail where a god character is specifically given a gender, and Gaiathra is not ever ambiguous. She is the classic female fertility goddess with all the trappings of other famous triple goddess figures of the real world. Aventurine's personal belief in the goddess may be shaky, but he nevertheless continues to treasure his people's faith. Thus, at the core, we can say Aventurine is a character who is guarded by the most quintessential mother figure possible.

Now, with the most obvious out of the way:

We know that Aventurine's father died before Aventurine was even born, and therefore he would not have any memories of his father, leaving him to be raised by his mother and sister.

Both women clearly made an enormous and lasting impression on Aventurine; they haunt every single one of his memories of Sigonia and are the key elements of the family Aventurine longs to return to. While he flirts with the concept of death as a way to see his family members again, it was also his mother and sister who instilled in him any sense of self-worth and meaning to his existence, the only things keeping him from giving up on living. His mother believed him to be blessed; his sister insisted to his face that not even the only remaining remnant of their mother had any value in comparison to his life.

It is for his sister that Aventurine first begins expressing a self-sacrificial nature, and from his sister that this self-sacrifice is reinforced when she uses herself as a shield to help him escape massacre at the hands of the Katicans.

It is also from his sister that Aventurine learns many of the deeply meaningful actions he holds onto to the present day, despite having been so far removed from his own culture.

Conversely, every one of Aventurine's early negative experiences on screen appear to have been driven (at least primarily) by men.

Although the Katican tribe of course would have both men and women, the tribal societies on Sigonia appear to be on the fairly traditional side, with Aventurine's mother staying at the camp with her child while his father was the one to go out and hunt for offerings for Gaiathra. This is also supported by Aventurine asking Jade to take him to her "chief" later on. Therefore, it is likely (although of course not guaranteed) that a majority of the Katicans' army was male, and that Aventurine's early experiences with outsiders consisted almost entirely of indiscriminate pillaging and massacre at the hands of what the Avgin viewed as savage, invading warriors. In separate instances, Aventurine was traumatized by these warrior figures three times--first with the loss of his father, then his mother, and then finally his sister.

And even their hope, supposed to come in the form of the "men in black" from the IPC, completely abandoned them, leaving Aventurine once again betrayed by masculine figures that were supposed to be there to protect him. Led by Oswaldo Schneider, another cruel male authority figure, the Marketing Department of the IPC permitted the wholesale slaughter of Aventurine's people--something which we know Aventurine is now aware of.

Then, of course, the next piece of Aventurine's backstory we're given is his male slave master. I don't really need to say anything about this, do I? This man violated Aventurine's human dignity and bodily autonomy, and forced Aventurine's hand in a life or death battle for which Aventurine still punishes himself mentally, even years in the future.

In part to escape the difficulty of his situation and rise to a position where he would have enough resources to--he thought--help his people, Aventurine joins up with the IPC. But when he attempts to make contact with a powerful man in the organization, Diamond, he is instead met by a woman, Jade, who against Aventurine's own expectations determines that she will raise Aventurine up (or use him as a tool, depending on how you currently choose to interpret Jade's motivations), granting him wealth and status beyond his imagination.

(And this line in particular is interesting, because you can take it one of two ways: 1) Aventurine comes from a patriarchal planet that traditionally put men into positions of power [thereby making his own slavery an emasculating act, aligning him further with disenfranchised women]; thus, he is making the assumption that to get anywhere in this organization, he will need to work with a man; or 2) He actually was counting on Jade taking his bet and helping him right from the beginning, because Aventurine perceives women as inherently more likely to protect and aid him than men would be.)

In the end, Jade does exactly as she claims she will, launching Aventurine into a position of power while also closing golden handcuffs around his wrists. She positions herself not only as his supervisor, but as his advocate and ally. She entrusts him with her Cornerstone, a sign of significant faith in his abilities. She even seems to be keenly aware of his bias towards the mother figure, referring to him as "child" in their conversations.

Whether this is genuine or a manipulation tactic can certainly be debated (and I'm not inclined to think at this point that Jade is a genuinely good role model or selflessly supportive person in Aventurine's life), but whatever the case, women are the only people Aventurine even remotely considers to be "in his corner."

We see this even earlier, in Aventurine's call to Topaz. Like with the example of his mother and sister, Aventurine trusts in Topaz's ability implicitly, and considers her above anyone else when it comes to completing the mission in Penacony.

Although of course we don't know if Aventurine has any other friends or allies among the Strategic Investment Department, it seems very likely that Topaz, yet another woman, is the one he is closest with. At the very least, she is the only IPC character (so far) that Aventurine has a complimentary voice line for, one that shows his respect for her talent:

Over and over again, the story aligns Aventurine with female figures in positions of authority, and demonstrates that he is comfortable (although maybe not too comfortable, in the case of Jade) with relying on them and trusting their judgment, just as he did with his mother and sister.

And this pretty much goes off the charts in Penacony, where Aventurine has more involvement with the female cast than virtually any other non-female character (even the Trailblazer!). We set the pattern off right away, with Aventurine immediately being placed into a negotiation situation with Himeko, respecting her role as the Express's leader and working to get himself aligned with the Express by acquiescing to her request for support.

Then there's the fact that Aventurine is the one who finds Robin's body, an event which, although he didn't let it show too much, was almost certainly traumatic for him, given the violent death of his own sister.

Next, twice in Penacony's story, we see Aventurine seek out Sparkle for information. He may not personally like her and her comments may be both racist and dehumanizing, but Aventurine does rely on her--being the only character explicitly seeking her aid, which no one else in Penacony seems to want.

In 2.0...

And in 2.1.

Now, say it with me, guys: Aventurine built an entire portion of his grand plan around the idea that if he looked pathetic enough, a female character would absolutely come and help him. And sure enough, the women come through for him, always! Sparkle gives him the exact last clue he needs to confirm his belief that he could use "Death" to reach the true Penacony, sealing the deal for the rest of his plan.

His plan which also hinged significantly on Black Swan's involvement too, another woman that he views as, if not trustworthy, then at least intelligent and hyper-competent.

Contrast all this, of course, with the treatment Aventurine receives at the hands of Sunday, the lone opposing male character he faces in Penacony.

Sparkle implies that Sunday would humiliate Aventurine in an unmistakably sexual and degrading way, and Sunday himself professes this same desire to see Aventurine humiliated.

Then we're "treated" to the moment in which Sunday uses the Harmony's (or perhaps actually the Order's?) power against Aventurine, in a scene which is supposed to reflect an interrogation but is also, very clearly, another nonconsensual violation of Aventurine's bodily autonomy and dignity by a man. While ostensibly seeking confirmation of the Cornerstone ruse, Sunday instead subjects Aventurine to unnecessary questions about his past on Sigonia, which recall and force Aventurine to re-endure memories of his trauma.

Even if this is what Aventurine prepared himself for and planned to have happen, the pain he experiences is very real, and he suffers both the physical and emotional consequences of Sunday's assault all the way up to his "Death" and possibly even beyond.

(Also, Sunday fans please don't get too up in arms with me for this; I also like Sunday! It's okay for characters to be morally grey!)

I think there's one other interesting example I would bring up here too, and that's Aventurine's conscious decision to weaponize his own masculinity against the Trailblazer. Through the 2.0 and 2.1 Trailblaze missions, Aventurine deliberately acts in an off-putting manner to the Astral Express crew, particularly the Trailblazer, in order to build up to the 2.1 climax where the Trailblazer is supposed to view him as an unrepentant villain and attack him without hesitation.

In order to achieve this uncomfortable, villainous effect, what does Aventurine do? Exactly what other men have done to him.

This is especially apparent if you're playing Stelle because of the ingrained societal taboo of a man entering a woman's personal space without consent, but even as Caelus, it is very clear that Aventurine is leveraging behaviors typically used to show dominance: In a complete 180 to all Aventurine's other body language in the game (normally quite withdrawn, frequently in defensive postures with his arms crossed or hand behind his back, almost always standing several feet away from other people), Aventurine violates the Trailblazer's personal bubble, looming over them (Caelus was sitting in this cutscene, lol), forcing eye contact, and commanding the space while informing them that they will have no choice.

For someone who was hunted, enslaved, had his movements restricted with chains, and due to his own slight stature has very likely been towered over by others who were intentionally asserting their power over him all his life, it is clear that Aventurine associates dominant, typically more masculine-coded physically-imposing behaviors with discomfort and even villainy.

Any girl who has ever had a man loom over her like this will realize very quickly: Aventurine wanted to make himself scary so he made himself act more like a bad man.

(Yes of course I know "not all men." I'm not saying every man behaves in this domineering way or that women cannot be domineering too, obviously, just that Aventurine had a very specific image in mind when constructing a "villainous persona," and the physically controlling tactics most typically used by aggressive men toward women was his immediate go-to.)

But where does that leave Dr. Ratio, the one male character actually on Aventurine's side?

Frankly, I don't want to derail my post about how intensely Hoyo chose to hammer on the message of "Women will protect you" in Aventurine's story with a discussion about a mlm ship, but the take-away here is going to lead in that direction anyway--so yes, Dr. Ratio is the exception.

What is interesting is that he does not come across as an exception at first, and in fact initially appears as another male character being rude and dismissive to Aventurine. Like, there are still people out there calling Ratio an unrepentant racist for this one.

Of course, it's later clarified that this is an act--likely even these insults were scripted specifically to give Sunday's spying ears the "insight" he needed to exploit Aventurine during the interrogation.

But even though it is an act, Aventurine still has noticeable trouble putting his faith in Ratio. He does genuinely doubt him a few times, despite knowing that they are working together to fool the Family.

Even his voice line about Ratio confirms that he doesn't think Ratio particularly cares for him; rather, he thinks Ratio simply tolerates him because he's slightly less unintelligent than those around them.

Ultimately, the entire act with Ratio ends up being a mirror of the real scenarios Aventurine has been experiencing with men his whole life (at least as far as we are shown his life). Men abandon him to fend for himself (unwillingly, like his father, or willingly, like Diamond leaving Aventurine to deal with Penacony alone on the inside). Ratio keeps leaving Aventurine completely alone. Men attempt to humiliate him and violate his boundaries (like Sunday and his slave master). Ratio insults Aventurine's appearance and intelligence repeatedly. Men betray him (like Oswaldo Schneider and his men leaving the Avgin to die). Ratio "betrays" him.

I'm not saying when Aventurine devised the plan for their act, he consciously drew up a list of all the ways men had hurt him in the past and had Ratio re-enact them one by one, but like... that's what happened, whether or not Aventurine intended it.

And okay, the shrinking scene in Dewlight Pavilion was just for fun and probably only slightly fetishy, the devs promise; yes, it was supposed to be a joke! ...But it's also not a mistake that this is yet another instance of a male character in a glaringly metaphorical position of power over Aventurine. Aventurine's tiny in this scene! He's completely vulnerable! He's in a dangerous position and the male character could very much hurt him in this moment.

But Ratio doesn't. (In fact, his line here is supposed to be sarcastic, very ha ha--but also, what is Ratio really saying? "I won't do anything to you without your express consent." What a good guy.)

Virtually everything negative that we see in 2.1 is Ratio doing these things as an act at Aventurine's own request. He doesn't actually disdain Aventurine; his own voiceline about Aventurine reinforces that he sees Aventurine as talented and intelligent.

Whatever you think he was apologizing for in their early scene, he's the only person we're ever shown in-game apologizing to Aventurine at all.

He worked hard to "betray" Aventurine but only as he was instructed to do, and immediately checks in on Aventurine's well-being afterward, even urging him to give up the plan if it becomes too much to handle.

And then, of course, there's the note: "Do stay alive. I wish you the best of luck."

After this point, it cannot be denied that Ratio is unequivocally on Aventurine's side, wants to help him, and is not doing so out of any sense of self-gain but largely because he is a good person who simply cares about Aventurine's fate. By the end of 2.1, it can no longer be doubted that Ratio is the exception to the "gender rule" of Aventurine's life, which--the story shows us again and again--was that guidance, protection, and care for Aventurine come from women, while men repeatedly represent dismissal, betrayal, or pain.

Ratio is, at least as far as Aventurine's story shows us, the proof that men can be good, that things are not as black and white in Aventurine's life as they might appear, and that--if you do choose to ship him with or see Aventurine as attracted to men--his attraction could be validated (and potentially reciprocated) by a male figure who would not bring additional harm to Aventurine's life. Aventurine makes the final decision to live after seeing Ratio's note--the exception to the rule ultimately proves to be the last piece needed to keep him alive.

But I promised I wasn't going to derail my own post about w o m e n, so let me get to the final point, and the one I really wanted to talk about: Although Ratio gets virtually all the credit for "saving" Aventurine in the fandom, Aventurine was actually saved by, you guessed it, another woman.

Not going to lie, the reason I started this post was specifically because I wanted to talk about how Acheron and Aventurine's dynamic was completely unexpected but actually fits flawlessly with the theme of feminine guidance in Aventurine's story.

Despite the fact that Aventurine made Acheron's life much harder and actively used her as a chip in his grand gamble, she doesn't blame or chastise him for those actions. Although she expresses some incredulity that Aventurine is actually that lucky, she then turns around and congratulations him for his ingenuity, immediately supporting him despite the fact that they don't even truly know each other.

Then it gets even more interesting. Acheron, who frequently hits her companions with deep and sometimes very emotionally fraught questions, asks Aventurine: "Have you never wavered?"

We as players know for a fact that Aventurine is constantly wavering, constantly doubting himself, his luck, and whether he'll even live--or even wants to live--to see tomorrow. But we also know that Aventurine is not forthcoming about those truths, refusing to express them to anyone, even himself. The only way we hear those dark truths is through his "future" self (who by the way, is once again another male figure cutting Aventurine down--of course it's himself but it's also, from the player's perspective, once again reinforcing the message that he isn't going to find safety or kindness in an adult male presence). Aventurine almost constantly deflects and diverts when his emotions or struggles are brought to the fore (unless he's divulging them for the specific purpose of allowing someone else to weaponize them). "I'm fine," he says, like a lying liar who lies.

But he doesn't lie to Acheron.

He chooses to be completely candid with her, to lance open the deepest wound of his life--that he can win and win and win and still have lost everything. The glitz and the glamour has all been stripped away here, at the end of everything, and Aventurine finally feels safe enough to admit that he fears he has absolutely nothing in his life worth living for.

And then, we get this direct parallel: Aventurine looks to Acheron, the woman now before him, for guidance, for explanation, exactly as he looked to his sister in the past.

He needs help, he needs answers, and he is continually seeking that help from the female figures in his life, whose support and kindness echo the lost care of his mother and sister.

"Go where you should be," Acheron tells Aventurine, guiding him across the river of death just as his sister insisted that he flee through the rain toward life.

Look guys, Acheron's even the one who reminds Aventurine to look at Ratio's note in the first place because apparently being an emanator of Nihility gives you x-ray vision, but my girl just gets no credit at all for being Aventurine's real savior, come on now!! Yes, Ratio's note was the final reminder Aventurine needed that someone would be waiting for him on the other side, but Aventurine would never have even gotten to the point of being willing to read that note if Acheron hadn't stepped in and provided him an answer to his question.

She feeds him back his own answer: "Why does life slumber? To rehearse the death for which we are not currently prepared." It is Acheron who reminds Aventurine that giving into the Nihility is pointless, and that rather than simply embracing a meaningless death, it is up to humanity itself to find and make meaning by living. It's this, not Ratio's note, that Aventurine gives as his reason for choosing to go on when asked by his own younger self. It's Acheron's words that finally give Aventurine an answer--why do we live just to die? Because there are people we can still make proud. Because when we go into death, we should do so with our heads held high, having achieved our own sense of purpose in this life.

Ratio gave Aventurine a promise: Someone is waiting for you to come back.

But Acheron gave Aventurine a reason: If life is inherently meaningless, doesn't that just mean you are free to give it meaning yourself?

She saved him, as women have been saving him all his life.

Anyway, this has already been horrendously long, but really what I wanted to say is that I think it is absolutely fascinating how consistent Aventurine's writing is when it comes to portraying where his support comes from and who he seeks guidance from. (Psst, just in case you still haven't figured it out, it's women!) In virtually every instance we are shown, we see the message reinforced that women are Aventurine's greatest allies and role models, while male figures are continually positioned to intentionally or unintentionally let him down and cause him distress.

"But women playing the supporting role to a male character is nothing new, Star, why are you so excited by this?"

Because the role women are playing in Aventurine's life is not the subservient supporter and emotional crutch role that female characters all too often play to male counterparts. None of the women in Penacony or Aventurine's past were there to do the emotional labor for him, to be a trophy or prize, or to cater to his needs. They don't exist solely to help him fulfill his character motivations; they aren't following him around waiting for his next request as their only role in the plot.

Instead, with Aventurine's story, we almost have an inversion of gender roles, where the male character eschews the stereotypical "men are leaders, fighters, and stoic heroes" archetype. Instead, no matter how hard he tries to hide it and keep a stiff upper lip, it is clear from 2.0-2.1's story that Aventurine is a deeply insecure, lonely, and explicitly traumatized survivor of genocide, slavery, and exploitation. Unlike most male characters, who are very rarely portrayed as genuine victims--because come on, shouldn't men be strong enough to fight back? Shouldn't men be able to shrug it off when they are hurt, emotionally or physically? (Of course I'm rolling my eyes here!)--Aventurine is belittled, humiliated, emasculated, and victimized on-screen, roles almost exclusively reserved for women, for whom surviving victimization in fiction is seen as noble.

Meanwhile, the women in Aventurine's life take on the roles traditionally given to male characters. They're both emotionally and physically his protectors. Aventurine's sister gave her life to guard his safety; Acheron ensured he could safely pass beyond the river of Nihility into the Primordial Dreamscape. They give him the tools necessary to succeed where he could not succeed on his own. His plan could never have gotten off the ground without Topaz and Jade entrusting their Cornerstones to him. The knowledge and capabilities of the women around him--not their "feminine charms"--are what allow them to help keep Aventurine on the right path even though he does waver. Even women who disrespect him, like Sparkle, still play a positive role in his life, able to provide him insight gained with their own intellect and talents.

When he has no one to rely on and doesn't know what to do, Aventurine is able to continually turn to the women around him, asking for and receiving not servitude or fawning, but their genuine wisdom and guidance.

tl;dr: If nobody else has him, Aventurine knows this random woman he met two minutes ago on the street will have him, because the women in his life literally never let him down.

(It's just so, so good, and ultimately, it should be very clear why Aventurine's story is as popular with women as it is! A+, Hoyo!)

[gatheringbones]

[“Girls are frequently arrested for trying to protect themselves from or fighting back against abusive parents. When police confronted Diana after a fight with her mother, Diana said, “I was like: ‘What the fuck, like look at my face she beat me up.’ They are like: ‘She called the cops on you, so you are at fault ’cause if she beat you up why didn’t you call the cops on her?’ Dude I don’t want to get my mom in trouble plus anyways it’s my word against her and although I am the one looking all torn up.”

Girls are also arrested because it is easier to remove one child from the home than to arrest a parent and find shelter for the children. As a probation officer explained,

Say the police respond to a case of domestic violence. You have a 3-year-old girl, a 16-year-old girl, and the mother fighting. Say the mother grabbed that girl and started pounding her face into cement. They’re not going to take Mom to jail when there is a 3-year-old daughter there. But they need to separate the two of them. So a lot of times it really is the parent’s fault but the kid gets hauled away.

Although few of these cases ultimately result in detention (often because the violence is minor), law professor Francine Sherman has noted that girls are “traumatized by arrest, handcuffing, and in some case shackling, routine strip searches upon entry into detention, and the perception that she is being blamed for what is a family problem.”

Dating violence also brings young people into the juvenile system. About 16 percent of girls and 8 percent of boys experience physical or sexual dating violence; 22 percent of LGB young adults report dating violence. Being subjected to intimate partner violence makes young people more vulnerable to juvenile system involvement. Girls are more likely to commit nonviolent delinquent acts (like running away) when experiencing intimate partner violence. Young people also become involved with the system because of their own violence. Girls use violence with partners to express anger and jealousy at a partner’s infidelity, protest a partner’s “emotional detachment,” or get a partner’s attention.

While some studies suggest that young men and women use violence in relationships at similar rates, those studies fail to account for the type, amount, impact, and reason for the violence. Girls’ violence is generally less serious and causes less injury. Girls reportedly slap and pinch their partners most often, while boys are more likely to punch or sexually assault partners. Moreover, studies of heterosexual couples find that boys do not experience girls’ violence as frightening or controlling. Half of boys report laughing at their female partners when they use violence. One-third ignored their partners when they were violent. Girls are also more likely to use violence defensively, fighting back against their partners. Mandatory and preferred arrest laws that cover dating relationships have been linked to increased arrests of girls for dating violence, with Black girls most likely to be arrested.”]

leigh goodmark, from imperfect victims: criminalized survivors and the promises of abolition feminism, 2023

[seresinhangmanjake]

The One I Want: Part 8

Jake "Hangman" Seresin x plus size!reader

Summary: You’re new in town and some guy named Jake is about to be your roommate. Being skeptical of new people keeps you lonely and uninterested in any entanglements, but Jake is desperate to change that.

Notes/Warnings: traumatic past, trust issues, cursing, very likely typos

Words: 1951

The One I Want Masterlist

You don't remember how you got to the couch. You don’t remember whose idea it was, or who guided who, or who first fell onto the cushions and pulled the other with them. Jake’s lips have kept you from retaining that information, not that it is of much importance, anyway. It doesn’t change that you are where you are, your legs draped over Jake’s thighs, your fingers woven through the ends of his hair, with his hand latched onto your hip. Your lips have barely had a moment apart since you relieved his concern with your smile and he went back in for a second kiss. Bodies have requested a few decent breaths here and there, but nothing keeps you separated for long. 

His kiss is demanding, but not controlling. It’s a kiss unwanting to break, but willing to do so if that is what you need. And his touch follows a similar pattern. Jake is not shy when his hand ventures past your hip, but he’s still cautious. The warmth of his palm sliding over your ass and pulling you closer is gently done, and when he travels up to your flannel sleep shirt and fingers dip under the fabric, he stops just after two knuckles are hidden past the hem. Fingertips grazing your skin are enough to cause shivers of pleasure, but they are still careful not to cross a line. 

You’re not actually sure if a line is there for him to cross, yet somehow you both know the possibility exists that it is hiding in plain sight. It might be that his touch an inch or two closer to your breast could ignite a panic response. His fingers playing with the buttons that hold your shirt closed or the tie that keeps your shorts around your hips could have you jumping out of his hold. And with such unpredictability, you appreciate that Jake doesn’t take that risk because you don’t want to stop this. You want to stay as you are, connected as much as you can safely be connected.

Jake has stolen minutes, maybe hours, from your morning—although, you suppose it can’t be considered stealing if you’re freely giving them to him and intentionally surrendering to the way he's making you feel. Any grasp on time disappeared long ago, but you couldn’t possibly be more content. In Jake’s arms, you have chosen to loosen your connection to the space around you and he has led you to a place where nothing else, especially not your past, matters. 

And you like it here, in this place. Every available reality suspends. Here, you are not damaged. You are not imperfect. A man like Jake wants you. You believe you’ll never have to leave this town because no one is going to say anything to you that will make it unbearable. Here, there’s the suggestion of a future. Here, you can feel your feet start to plant into the ground.

—

“You’re beautiful, you know,” he says. 

You stopped kissing some time ago and he’s taken to staring at you, scanning your features, touching your kiss-swollen lips with a proud smile on his face that says “This was my doing”. 

“I’ve thought so since I came through the front door and saw you standing right about…” he shifts on the couch to get the entrance of the apartment in clear view. With eyes squinting as if to find an exact measurement, his finger points to the spot where you stood the night you first met him. “Right about there.”

Your eyes briefly follow his finger. “I thought you were disappointed.”

“Oh no,” Jake chuckles with a light shake of his head. He looks down, almost as if embarrassed, and watches his hand run back and forth over your bare knee. “No, that certainly wasn’t the case. And Nat teased me for it immediately,” he says. 

Your brows shoot up. “Teased you?”

“Yeah,” is a long-drawn word. His lips curve into a smile and his eyes find yours again. “She knew I was gonna be a goner.”

When you try to conceal your blush by looking down at your fiddling hands, Jake’s grin widens. “Don’t hide,” he says, leaning over to tilt your chin back up with his thumb and index finger. “I like it.”

“You like what?”

From your cheekbone to your jaw, his knuckle draws a soft line over the pink shade of your cheek. “This.”

You would feel more self-conscious about the blush spreading to your ears and chest if not for the light rosy tint making its way onto his cheeks at the same moment. It’s a lovely shade that blends so well with his complexion and instantly confirms that what you saw at the bonfire was not a trick of the flame's glow. Your abdomen clenches with the sensation of velvety wings fluttering throughout your stomach, but the feeling disperses when a pang of something else hits deep in your chest. 

Jake is already so comfortable with his kissing and touching of you. Though he is thoughtful, he doesn’t hesitate or question what he’s doing. He holds on to you like he’s done it a thousand times before. Your bodies mold to this couch as if the position you are sitting in was imprinted into the cushions long ago. He somehow knows what you like; he knows how to kiss you like a man who has been studying you for years. It all comes so naturally—to you and him—that it teeters on the cusp of unreal, and is, therefore, slightly unsettling. 

Typically, you’re careful; more calculated in your interactions with people. You aim to avoid putting yourself in positions where you lose your sense of control, and yet, for Jake you let it all go. With Jake, you’re allowing the revival of parts of yourself that were slowly fading from lack of use, but it forces you to wonder if you’re capable of maintaining that freedom without him there to help you. You don’t want to clam up if he’s out of reach. You owe it to Jake to try to apply everything he’s given you so you can do right by him. If you hurt him from an inability to let yourself remain open, you expect you won’t find of self-forgiveness. 

You don’t realize you’re staring off into space, your eyes on an out-of-focus plant in the corner of the room, until Jake’s hand cups your face and his thumb begins to stroke your cheekbone. When you look up at him, the smile that at some point fell from his face returns and he leans into you. His fingers slide into your hair to guide your head closer to his. 

“Jake, this isn’t trouble, is it?” you whisper before his lips can meet yours. 

He pauses. Then with his brow scrunched in confusion, he pulls back. “What do you mean?”

“This.”

A palm returns to your cheek and that thumb restarts its back-and-forth motion. “You and me?” he asks, but his head shakes before you can answer. “No, we are not trouble.”

Your chuckle lacks full commitment. A twinge of doubt in your capabilities weaseled itself into your thoughts, and though Jake is rather effective at shaking it, you can feel remnants lingering in a place he might not be able to reach. “You’re so sure,” you mutter.

 “Yes,” he says in the limited space between you. “I’m sure.”

“How?”

When Jake sighs and shifts to rest his back against the couch, you know it is not from exasperation. If you could so easily irritate him, he would have given up on anything to do with you after twenty-four hours of you living in his space. Instead, it’s a sigh of contemplation. By the look on his face, your question is one he already has an answer to for himself. His extended thought is for your sake; an extra minute taken to piece together the most encouraging explanation that will help you understand why he’s so confident.

Your hand is encased in his and he squeezes. His stare matches yours. Intense. Unwavering. “Because,” he starts, “I more than thought you were beautiful when I first saw you. I wanted you, and I have wanted you every day since—you and me, just like this, right here. But I wasn’t going to do anything unless you felt like you could trust me,” he says. “And you said you do now, right? You trust me?”

You nod. Then he nods.

“We’ve lived together for months, and I’ve been deep in it, beautiful. Nothing you can do or say will make me think anything other than what I think of you now. So you’re not trouble for me,” he says, bringing the back of your hand to his lips. “And I swear I won’t be trouble for you. If you trust me, trust that.”

Your eyes sting and your nose fills with familiar pressure. There’s something in the ease with which Jake soothes your worries that is sickeningly overwhelming. Your method of relieving pain is, as it has always been, to flee, and after spending so many years doing so, you refused to entertain any other option. But this is Jake, and Jake is different. He doesn’t do the fleeing thing. He does the “I want what I want so I will figure out how to get it” thing. And what he has wanted is your trust, which he obtained by becoming exactly what you didn’t know you needed. 

Not wanting to fall into a mess in front of him for the second time in one day, you move your legs off of Jake’s thighs despite his noise of protest and scoot your body next to his to regain some of that control. 

“What are you–” he begins with a hint of worry in his voice, but you instantly silence him with the soft “hush” that leaves your lips as you throw your leg over his hips and find your balance atop his lap. Jake’s hands settle on your waist. They snake around your back and he tugs you to his chest. The awe that swirls in his eyes as he gazes up at you fills you with confidence, and you tuck a few loose strands of hair behind your ear before gripping his shoulders. 

“I’m going to kiss you,” you say. Jake blinks, gulps, and nods, both of you knowing that each kiss between you prior to this moment was initiated by him. “I’m going to kiss you, and after that, we’re going to stop focusing on me. We’re going to stop talking about me.”

“I like talking about you,” he says. One hand slowly runs down your clothed spine, over your ass, and along your outer thigh, then makes its way back up. “Can’t we do both?”

“No.” As you lessen the distance between your lips, Jake’s neck stretches up to connect the kiss, but you maintain just enough space to keep him from succeeding. “I tell you something, you tell me something, remember?” 

With his eyes glued to your mouth, Jake nods again.

Good, you think, because step one in your determination to remain open to him is being for him who he is for you—someone to trust. “It’s your turn to tell me why you don’t like to be alone.”

The heat of a hand finds the back of your neck. Fingers weave into your hair. “I’ll tell you anything you want.”

“What I want is to know you, too.”

Jake’s inhale expels as a soft sigh. His eyes pierce yours. “It’s heavy stuff, beautiful.”

“I can handle it,” you say. Then you lean in close so your lips can ghost over his. “Trust me.”

---

tags: @wkndwlff @kmc1989 @sagittarius-flowerchild @dempy @oliviah-25 @rosiahills22 @xoxabs88xox @matisse556 @hardballoonlove @ssa-sadboi @lynnevanss @pono-pura-vida @tgmreader @amgluvsbooks @ravenhood2792 @djs8891 @shakespeareanwannabe @sailor-aviator @penguin876 @rogersbarnesxx @nani-kenobi @tgmavericklover @athenabarnes @emilyoflanternhill @wretchedmo @shanimallina87 @crowsreadsarahjmaas @mamachasesmayhem @sky2nd @eloquentdreamer @jessicab1991 @rosedurin @averyhotchner @elite4cekalyma @buckysteveloki-me @shelbycillian @kissmethric3 @fox-bee926 @hangmandruigandmav @waltermis @fandom-life-12 @a-serene-place-to-be @bruher @cehenyne @tngrace @mamaskillerqueen @emma8895eb @benedictsvestcollection @blackwidownat2814 @himbos-on-ice @entertainmentgal8 @hookslove1592 @whoeverineedtobe @alwaysclassyeagle @chaytea06 @cherrycolas-things

[impactedfates]

hello! platonic astral express (mostly welt and dan heng) + jing yuan with a teen reader like collei?

they were used as an experiment from a very young young thankfully the crew/jing yuan found and rescued them, they also took them in but they were still traumatized from their time as an experiment,they are chronically ill which makes them weak and are scared of being touched due to their time as an experiment subject

★ A/N: Colleis backstory makes me so sad :(( I love her sm. Characters here are just Dan Heng, Welt and Jing Yuan

☆ Genre/Trope: Platonic + Hurt/Comfort (kinda?)

★ Format: Mini Scenarios (Separate)

☆ Warnings: Implied torture + human experiments on reader // Scar/injuries mentions

★ Extra: Reader is shorter then characters // Reader is with the Express

Dan Heng is very careful around you, whether or not he sees himself as threatening he doesn't know if YOU'D see him as threatening. He could quickly tell how untrustworthy you were when the Express found you. And based on the scars scattered around your body, some clearly new as it seems they were inflicted on you recently and how you held up a make shift dagger towards them, you seem to have a very good reason not to trust them.

It takes some time but eventually Himeko and Welt do manage to gain your trust and let you on board so they can give you a better life then what you had experienced.

Dan Heng makes sure to always be gentle with you and helps you when you need help, he himself isn't much of a touchy person himself but he still ensures to steer clear from any touches, even the lighter ones.

He allows you in the databanks, especially when you have nightmares. He has them himself, although he isn't completely sure about what the nightmare is about, he'll never pry. Only comfort you.

He's also a bit more hesitant to show his dragon form, he doesn't want to potentially scare you but if there comes a time where he for any reason NEEDS to get into that form, he'll inform you and if you want he'll ask March or the Trailblazer to bring you away.

Overall: Dan Heng is careful around you, making sure that whatever he does doesn't trigger you in anyway - he makes sure he doesn't touch you, even slightly and comforts you if you ever have nightmares. He thinks a lot of his actions through just encase it may affect you negatively.

Welt was the first to attempt to gain your trust, his fatherly instincts kicked in as soon as he saw you, he could tell despite the face you put up to try and scare the others behind that was a scared child.

So he was patient with you, took the time to gain your trust, carefully tended to your injuries when you allowed him and as soon as you were comfortable to be on the express. He became your father, whether or not there was any paperwork done or not, you have eventually seen him as your father.

Due to his age (*cough cough* grandpa *cough cough*) he's very smart, so he takes the time to teach you, if you don't understand he'll go over it again and make sure he does it in a way that you'll understand.

He can tell that most of your childhood seems to be lost. So he attempts to make you smile, experience a good childhood you seemed to have missed.

He can also tell that your chronically ill, you're more weaker then others so he offers to get you a cane, something that can provide aid for you so it's hopefully more bearable for you, and if you ever get to weak for even that? He's more then happy to carry you, he'll always ask first as he does know you're a bit more hesitant on being held or touched in general.

If you ever have nightmares he'll make you some tea and listen to you about what it was, even if you decided to not tell him he'll keep you company.

Overall: Welt is a very patient man, who became your unofficial father, knowing that your childhood was seemingly mostly lost he tries to make up for it and he also teaches you the basics of everything. He offers a cane to hopefully help you with your more weak body.

When Jing Yuan first met you, he knew something was wrong. Whether or not you looked better then how you looked before meeting the Express, he's still a General and can catch a lot of things. He won't pry at all but when you're not around will ask about it. He's worried, a child so young and it seems like you've been hurt more then you've smiled?

He doesn't wish to pry, he knows it's none of his business but the fact he knows something bad happened to you and likely at a young age doesn't please him one bit.

Just like Welt, he's patient with you. He's also very careful around you. One time when he was supervising you he happened to summon Lightning Lord as some enemies tried to ambush you and this seemed to send you into a panic, Jing Yuan quickly made sure the enemies were gone before checking on you, being careful not to touch you but still finding a way to comfort you.

Whether or not he manages to calm you down is up to you, however you'll end up with a blanket wrapped around you in the comforts of his office. He'll give you various of games you can play, books or whatever. If you want to try a new hobby he'll get someone to get anything needed for it.

Overall: I think he's similar to Welt however he does sometimes scare you unintentionally. Whether it be due to having to summon Lighting Lord or even hearing him talk in his more "General" voice, he does feel bad though. He doesn't mean to scare you and if you're around he does try not to do either.

Sorry if this take a while to do wrjggdvg. This was slightly difficult to write as I wasn't too sure what direction to take but hopefully this is okay!

[sassy-cass-16]

Oh god I promised myself no bell’s hells meta until c3 ends but my brain is turning the “can she be trusted?” line over and over like chicken at the shawarma shop. because there are layers to that.

more under the cut because i let this run away from me:

so first off, there's the obvious: dorian initially seems to start to address the whole group, everyone who's left in the inn room, but turns and just locks eyes with orym when he asks. orym, who of everyone has the most reason to be biased against laudna right now. orym, who just got into a fight with laudna over the sword that killed both of them and orym's husband and father-in-law. that's who dorian thinks to ask, because he trusts orym not to let his judgment be clouded.

dorian first saw orym again after months of being separated, like, three days ago, and despite how much orym has visibly changed in those months, dorian doesn't hesitate to believe that orym will still be objective. he trusts that orym will be the one to look at this situation and tell him the truth.

because dorian has experience with orym telling him the truth. dorian knows firsthand how willing orym is to shuck his personal feelings in favour of what's true. dorian just saw what he could have become, had orym not stepped in to stop him taking the circlet of barbed vision. he owes the fact that he's alive and beholden to no gods to orym's willingness to be rational and objective in a situation involving a powerful magical item. by his own admission, "i wouldn't be here without you."

so of course dorian trusts him right now.

and there's something to the exclusion of the others, with that. dorian doesn't look to fearne and orym, although that would make sense because he's known the two of them the longest. he doesn't look to chetney, who's proven to be able to get a handle on this with the scream needle compromise. he doesn't look to ashton, who's been extremely levelheaded through this whole mess. he looks at orym, exclusively. he is asking orym, exclusively. not the group, although everyone decides to jump in to answer and then imogen comes through the window to complicate the matter. just orym.

dorian is the kind of person with a lot of potential for darkness in him. he hides it well because he's also deeply kind and friendly, but it's always been there. he's just been through something massively traumatic, and that was after the original circlet conflict back in exu prime. he had his alignment forcibly changed from good to neutral. but even after all he's gone though, orym's alignment is still good.

as much as orym doesn't want to be a leader and prefers to be a protector and follower, he does very well in situations where he takes on an amount of responsibility. when he's in some level of control over a situation, he takes to it naturally. he's a very good babysitter to his gaggle of weirdos. the "can she be trusted?" might have been an attempt on dorian's part to give orym a bit more control here. to reassure him that regardless of anyone else's feelings—regardless of how laudna's reaction might have affected him—orym deserves to be trusted, and he can make a decision that dorian will trust.

back in exu and all the way into early c3, dorian and orym slotted into a sort of parental position in their groups. watching over the crownkeepers' clothes when they went skinny dipping in exu. orym repeatedly steering everybody away from bad ideas. matt even described dorian leaving dariax in zephrah in 4sd as "dad just going out to get cigarettes." there's always been that underlying sense of "we are two of a pair" with dorian and orym. not to say that either of them don't see the others as adults, but they do have that rapport of being the babysitters in the gaggle of weirdos.

that kind of bond is just part of their dynamic. but especially in light of what's been happening while they were separated, and then what happened between them earlier that evening, "can she be trusted?" is a reminder of that bond. orym's been lonely, by his own admission, and one of the secrets he divulged at nana morri's was "i really miss dorian." he broke down crying during his last message through the sending stone, and then again on the bench not a few hours before this whole incident went down.

dorian came to comfort him. he flat-out said to orym's face "i'm here now." he reminded orym that he needs to rely on other people, that he can't always be the one saving everybody else. he gave orym the room to not be the strong one, and told him he has that room because dorian's there to support him. they can be two of a pair again.

he knows orym's been feeling like he can't do anything, like he had to resort to what he stopped dorian from doing with the circlet. and so dorian both gives him a choice to make, something to do, and shows him that he still trusts him unconditionally. "can she be trusted?" also means "i trust you" and "i'm here with you" and "this is how we've always been."

we know from liam in 4sd that orym has feelings for dorian that he's not sure are reciprocated. but even regardless of the romantic element here, dorian and orym have always had a partnership. they have always been two of a pair. the sequence of events leading to "can she be trusted?" is a perfect microcosm of he relationship between the two of them. it's just incredible.

[violetdisasterzone]

yet another svsss hill I'm dying on despite the apparent popular opinion — bingqiu would be great parents! give them a decade of peace and quiet to start healing from the trauma of.. everything and to get comfortable in the fact that their love and commitment to the other is reciprocated equally, and I can 100% see them wanting some little ones.

Shen Qingqiu overcame both his age AND gender to become Cang Qiong's resident milf in a matter of days after his transmigration. He's great with kids - as Shen Yuan he had a younger sister who he likely helped raise or was at least somewhat close with, he obviously loves teaching and doting on his disciples, he's immediately protective of random-abandoned-toddler!Binghe in the dream realm after escaping from the Water Prison, and obviously in the Return to Childhood extra he's (the only one) having a great time. you're telling me he WOULDN'T want a baby version of Binghe for real??

and as for Luo Binghe himself, the joke/argument I see most often is that he'd be jealous of the baby for taking his shizun's time and attention away from him. first of all, by the end of the novel, do you know how many times that man has died in his arms, pushed him away, or been separated from him in some other very traumatic ways, mostly while he was being influenced by an evil sword that amplified his worst intrusive thoughts? do you know how many people WOULD take Shen Qingqiu away, given the chance?! I think he deserves to be a bit paranoid!! but again, with a bit more distance and healing from his traumas, time, and reassurance that Shen Qingqiu really is staying, I fully believe he will mellow out in that regard. with that aside, Luo Binghe is a total mama's boy, he's a part-time emperor full-time housewife, and his greatest dream has always been to be a family with Shen Qingqiu. I don't think it's a stretch at all to imagine that someday in the future, he would want to grow that family with him too. and although we don't see him interacting with children in canon the way we do Shen Qingqiu, I cannot imagine him not loving his kids, a tangible result of their love, to pieces too.

[avonne-writes]

HS AU - If Broken Things ended differently

TW: suicide attempt and aftermath

Long post of my ramblings to @hogans-heroes below 🖤

If Gale had jumped off the bridge - and survived - he’d have been taken to a hospital first to be stabilized physically.

It would be so painful and traumatizing for Bucky to wake up like it’s a normal day, text Gale good morning and add some silly thoughts as the morning goes on but get no reply. He thinks it's strange, but figures perhaps Gale's not getting the notifications.

Bucky goes to school, waits for Gale at the place where they usually meet when they go to school separately, but Gale doesn’t show and still doesn’t answer any messages.

Bucky calls him, no reply. He asks some of his friends if they heard from Gale, all say no. Gale's last text to Bucky was a new movie trailer or something, nothing that indicates something wrong. In panic now, Bucky goes to a secluded place, doesn’t give a fuck about the class he’s skipping, and calls his mom.

Georgia can tell that something is very wrong. Bucky is hyperventilating, confused, anxious. She tries to calm him down and tells him she'll call Gale's mom.

Gale’s mom actually picks up and tells her that Gale was found by the river by someone walking their dog, that he nearly drowned and that they don’t know how he fell. They're at the hospital and waiting for him to wake up in the ICU. They don’t know if there's brain damage from hypoxia and how badly his spine is hurt.

Georgia tells Gale's mom that she and John are going to go there immediately. She takes a few calming breaths and tries to consider very carefully what she should tell Bucky.

She calls him back, he picks up instantly. Then she tells him that Gale has been in an accident and he’s in the hospital now, but his condition is stable, and that she's going to come pick Bucky up and take him there. Bucky starts crying and tries to ask her more questions but she says she doesn’t know more and that she'll be there soon, "everything will be okay, honey."

In the ICU, Gale's getting non-invasive mechanical ventilation because of the lung injury he sustained while nearly drowning. He has a neck brace and various scrapes on his body from debris carried by the river. He had hypotermia, but they have brought his temperature back to normal at this point. He wakes up by the time Bucky and Georgia get to the hospital.

Bucky struggles to stop crying all the way to the hospital. This is his worst nightmare come true, and he’s in complete shock, but there’s also a terrible dread inside him that says this wasn’t an accident.

Both of Gale's parents are at the hospital. Bucky and Georgia don't know how to act around them. Gale's dad is severely hungover and reeks, but he also seems to be in shock, and his mom is crying. The two are not comforting each other. Bucky clings to his mom's hand.

Georgia also called Neil on her way to collect Bucky, and he wanted to join them immediately but she told him it's not a good idea. He will be waiting at home.

Finally, a doctor calls them into his office to tell them what's going on. He says Gale's awake but very tired and confused, but they hope it's only temporary and that there's no brain damage. First priority is to get him to breathe on his own again. He also talks about the spinal injury, and that, again, tests are needed to see if there's any paralysis, although early signs are positive and Gale's moving his hands.

He says it's clear that Gale fell into the water from an elevated place, probably a bridge, suggesting possible suicide attempt. However... they found bruising on his face that's inconsistent with his other injuries and looks rather like a handprint from a hard slap. So, the police will be notified.

Gale's parents try to protest this actually, which confirms to Bucky that they hurt Gale, so he starts going off at them, but the doctor intervenes before it could escalate and tells everyone to calm down. He understands that this is a tense situation, but they should all focus on Gale.

Only two people at once are allowed to visit Gale in the ICU at first. He’s able to talk while on ventilation but it's difficult, and he actually doesn’t want to talk. He’s miserable and filled with shame, regret, and the wish to just disappear.

First, Gale's parents go in for a limited time - 15 min maybe - then Bucky and Georgia. Gale tries to move when Bucky comes in, but due to everything going on, he can’t do much. Bucky holds his hand, kisses it and cries, and Georgia strokes Gale's hair. Gale mumbles that he’s sorry.

Naturally, Bucky wants to stay with him overnight. There’s no way he’s letting Gale out of his sight again or leaving him with only his parents. But it's not a good idea, it’s better if he gets some rest, it helps Gale rest too. Gale's mom stays with Gale, everyone else goes home (Bucky has to be dragged away basically).

Once home, Bucky can’t sleep. His mind can’t stop spinning, going over everything that happened, how it's all his fault. Georgia holds him on the couch and she and Neil try to comfort him. For the first time since Bucky's dad left, Bucky ends up sleeping in his mom's bed because he’s so distressed. Neil sleeps in the guest room.

Gale's moved to a normal hospital unit the next day - and he’s on suicide watch. As soon as he’s physically healthy enough, he’s moved to a mental health ward.

Meanwhile, child protection services knock on the Clevens' door. Gale is very close to being 18, so by the time the legal process gets anywhere, he’s already an adult.

I think he’s discharged from the psych ward not long before Christmas. He’s still wearing a spine brace, but he’s getting better. I think an agreement is reached with Gale's parents, so he moves in with Bucky and Georgia instead of going home.

I think Gale's near-drowning and the investigation might actually prompt Gale's mom to divorce Gale's dad in this version of the AU. She's never going to be mother of the year, but maybe he and Gale can build a better relationship in the future.

There's a long recovery ahead of Gale, especially mentally, but Bucky is there to support him all along, even though his own issues are triggered too.

This is how I imagine the story would go if Gale had decided to jump that night on the bridge.

[gatitties]

Hi can you do yandere bonten (separately where their s/o (who knows they’re a yandere and gose a long with.) is being targeted by another gang. ( Trying to kill them and shit) and on day they see a red dot on their s/o forehead. (Coming from a laser on a gun) and then there’s gunshots everywhere. Do they manage to tackle their s/o on those and save them? ( you can pick) and what do they do to rival gang when they find them?

─Yandere!Bonten x reader (separately)

─Summary: a moment in which your life is threatened, a moment of despair for these boys

─Warnings: death, blood, mention of drugs, toxic behaivors, yandere stuff

─ It was very strange to go from not being noticed socially to having a psychopath holding your waist every second of your existence.

─ You knew that his behaviors went beyond a toxic and controlling partner, perhaps because you were aware that you knew how to cope with it in a certain way, in any case accepting his madness made many things easier, it was better to be on Mikey's good side.

─ That you were docile could only improve Mikey's condition, although sometimes it was like dealing with a capricious child, you had to at least pretend not to be uncomfortable twenty-four hours a day stuck to him in any way.

─ Although there are situations in which due to certain circumstances he needs to move away from you, it will bother him even if it is a few seconds in which he has to greet someone important, but he will always have a part of his body attached to you, whether it's his hand on your shoulder or his knee touching yours, he needs to make sure that you won't vanish out of nowhere even though it's physically impossible.

─ In the event that your life was threatened for just a measly second, it was like starting a war.

─ You didn't even know what happened before his body locked you against the floor and dragged you under one of the tables.

─ You were at a dinner with some executives and out of nowhere you found yourself being suffocated by Mikey on the floor listening to a lot of guns and screams.

─ He knew that he had enemies around every corner, but he didn't know that they were stupid enough to point a gun directly at you, at his most precious being.

─ You were lucky that he was able to react in time due to his constant fixation on always having you by his side, if it weren't for his mania perhaps your destiny would have been different.

─ Although unfortunately this event reduced your time outdoors, at least until Mikey wiped out each and every one of those involved in your near-death.

─ It wasn't a good start because it started with your kidnapping.

─ But perhaps the effect of narcotics on your body was what made you stop fighting against someone who had more power than you in society, you were condemned and you accepted it.

─ Sanzu doesn't care enough not to traumatize you and you have to get used to the fact that every time he takes you somewhere someone ends up dead because of him.

─ He doesn't require so much continuous physical contact, however whenever he wants it you will have to be on his lap without any complaints, you learned the hard way that it was better to listen the first time he wants something.

─ You're his little toy and everyone knows it, maybe, too many people know who you 'belong' to and that caught the attention of a certain gang that Sanzu had previously had problems with.

─ That's why the moment when you find yourself in a brothel having a drink with Sanzu and the Haitani brothers and a red dot forms on your forehead is not surprising to him.

─ It was the lack of reaction, the mental block and the speed with which the murder happened, it was a clean shot, your blood splashed on his stupefied face and he couldn't even catch your body before you collapsed against the elegant sofa.

─ It broke him, not the fact of your death, but the fact that another person had played with the life of his obsession, his new toy, and maybe he didn't accept so easily that you were dead, maybe he kept your inert body in his bed, your pajamas on as if it were just another ordinary night.

─ To say he was a disaster (even more) was an understatement, he was going to find those bastards and going to torture them while 'you' watched, hoping that it would entertain you, at least this time you would look and not look away like all those other times.

─ He's probably one of the most normal, if it's normal to be harassed for months and have 'unintentional' encounters with Kakucho all the time.

─ Kakucho was more of an observer and stayed in the background, he knew that his obsession was not a good thing, but at least he accepted that he was aware of it and that you would have to accept him.

─ No matter how much you ran away, what you did, you always had his eyes on your figure, you were a kind of divinity for him and he didn't even want to do anything perverse, he wanted to love you. Was he asking for much? Well, he could always resort to other methods anyway, if he wanted something, he had the power to get it.

─ He didn't ask for much, he just wanted you, and he became so sincere as to confess to you everything he had been doing, everything he would do if you agreed to be with him by hook and by crook.

─ He's not very good with romantic relationships if his last option is a threat, but you decided to take the easy way out and accept all his madness towards you.

─ He was too paranoid to let you go out on your own, to do anything without his supervision, he had lost Izana a long time ago and it was too painful and traumatic for him to happen to you.

─ It's quite rare that your life is threatened because you practically don't leave your safe place, but like any good gentleman, he always has some romantic plan for two and that means going out from time to time.

─ Don't worry, the second that red dot is on your forehead you were probably protected by a mass of muscles from several bodyguards and immediately guided out along with Kakucho.

─ He will not personally be in charge of finding and killing the gang that was behind the attempt on your life, but he will know when they are all three meters underground, which will be sooner rather than later.

─ Oh poor thing, did you really think you could escape his clutches once he met you and became infatuated with you? That's sweet of you, but Takeomi already has you under the palm of his hand without you knowing it.

─ You noticed each of his manipulation tricks and his strange fixation on you, he laughed knowing how perceptive you were and admitted to you that he had not been able to get you out of his mind since the first time he saw you and that it would be better if you accompanied him for the good ones.

─ He was good enough that you could face him and move forward despite all his toxic behaviors, and even though you missed your old life and freedom, you bitterly accepted that it wasn't that easy to get rid of a mafia executive.

─ He showered you with luxuries and praise whenever you behaved as he wanted, and he tried to make everything as least uncomfortable as possible since he was hungry for love, but he knew that forcing some things on you would make him feel as if everything was a lie (despite that it was in a certain way, he wouldn't admit it).

─ He thought that no one would be stupid enough to even think about hurting you, you were always well protected and a few threats would be enough to stop anyone from wanting to look at you.

─ Poor little gang that tried to annoy him by threatening you at gunpoint, Takeomi is not stupid and expected your life to be threatened sooner or later, he is not a saint and has enemies left and right, this devil knows more because he is old than by devil

─ The whole band died that night while he was enjoying his dinner with you without any altercation, you didn't even know and you didn't need to know, he wanted to continue in his bubble of happiness and a trauma to you would break that illusion, you were behaving so well, you didn't need to feel fear, at least not fear from other people.

─ You were smart and applied, probably what caught Kokonoi's attention, it started as a small crush that got worse when he saw how your attention was not only for him.

─ You were smart, but not smart enough to notice how he drugged you to kidnap you that night he invited you to dinner. If you didn't notice his obsessive behavior before, now you did.

─ The amount of luxuries and whims increased, you didn't even need to behave well, he would have you with money as he had always done with everything, and you had no choice but to accept that a crazy rich man had kidnapped you and that he wouldn't let you go unless you were his partner or something like that.

─ Sick, yes, but you didn't want to know what would happen if you refused, or maybe it was Stockholm syndrome, at this point you no longer knew how to differentiate it.

─ Kokonoi is not always with you, which gives you a false sense of freedom, false because you always have a bodyguard watching from afar, and although you don't know it, there are more eyes watching you.

─ Kokonoi is not stupid either, he knows that they will use you to get to him, but he anticipated the facts, he managed to bribe the murderer of the gang who had problems with him to make sure that you would be fine, he would break if he lost another important person.

─ Astute enough to foresee a possible murder but not enough to foresee a betrayal, his whole world collapsed when one night he found out that you had been murdered, that was not supposed to happen, he should have been there.

─ He faced your death with vengeance, despite not being the most bloodthirsty in Bonten, the only thing he wanted to do was torture the gang that had dared to take your life, that scum that decided to betray him, he would not be the one to apply violence, but he would enjoy the cries of those bastards.

─ You were a whim of the younger brother of the Haitani, a whim that he couldn't get out of his head.

─ It started out as a normal relationship, but his delusional obsession with you and his changes in behavior made you think that everything was much more complicated than a mere relationship.

─ Rindou watched every step you took, he started getting rid of 'unnecessary' people in your life and you couldn't do anything about that, you accepted it too easily, so much so that you even thought you weren't completely sane.

─ You didn't need anyone else, he is always there, literally always because he loves to be by your side, he loves to squeeze your waist and bring you closer to him while others see him, he loves to kiss you in front of everyone to make it clear that he is the one who has you and no one else.

─ He can be suffocating at times, but it's not like you can do anything, if necessary he will chain you to him to stay together until death.

─ Speaking of death… the threats don't take long to arrive, knowing that they could use you against him, he will not leave you alone even to go to the bathroom, anything can be a threat, even an innocent child could be a spy looking to kill you.

─ Locking you up and depriving you of going outside doesn't make it any less likely that you'll end up dead, even though he didn't leave you for even a second, he wasn't fast enough to throw you to the ground when the red dot on your temple became visible.

─ He saw how your gaze was lost until it was lifeless and he saw red, all the people who were close to the scene died in painful ways in the following week, whether they were innocent or those involved, Rindou needed someone to pay for his loss, maybe he wasn't cautious enough.

─ You fell for his sweet charms, charms that had a lot of corpses, blood and torture behind them, but it was all for you, why would you get angry? He thought he wasn't doing anything wrong and would make you think so too, Ran is very patient.

─ Whatever it was, you accepted all of his macabre behavior, the murders, the jealousy, the obsession, you had to put up with everything.

─ But it's okay, Ran will be generous, he will offer you a lot for little, he just wants you to pay attention to him, he needs to know that you will be there for him no matter what he does.

─ He doesn't always have time for you unfortunately, but he will always have an eye on you, he needs to make sure that no one, not even you, does anything stupid when he's not there.

─ He treats you as if you couldn't do anything on your own, as if you were weaker than him, he likes you to be like the typical character in trouble, it makes him look cooler, doesn't it?

─ He probably received some threat, he could only laugh at the band that thought could touch a single lock of your hair.

─ The problem is that your restrictions increased and your 'free' time decreased, typical, but in this case Ran will be much more paranoid, don't think about spending a single moment alone from now on until he investigates and kills all those cockroaches who dared to threaten your life.

─ The moment he sees that the shooting starts in one of his brothels when he is spending time with you he gets furious, he will get you to safety immediately, he locks you up and even gives you a gun in case some smartass find you.

─ He will personally take charge, with some help from his brother, of killing the gang that had started the destruction in his business right there and will return to you to calm you down with a session of kisses and hugs if you get scared.

─ Poor Mochizuki was never good at romance, he didn't have many partners and his position in one of the biggest mafias in Tokyo was not a positive incentive to find someone who loved him.

─ So he thought that his obsession was justified when you showed some interest in him, of course that was before you knew who he really was, but it was too late, he got his hopes up and he wouldn't let anyone break them, not even yourself.

─ If he needed to have you drugged for you to accept him, he would do it, but no one would take away what he had longed dreamed for so long.

─ Don't let his tough exterior fool you, he could be a total idiot just for you, although he didn't always use the most legitimate means to get something you wanted, you couldn't do much either.

─ He always keeps you in a close hug, squeezing your shoulder and holding your body close to his as if they were going to steal you from his hands.

─ It's impossible for him not to worry, he knows the world he moves in and he is the weakest link among the Bonten executives, the guy who is in charge of some of the dirty work and knows that he has many guns pointed at him.

─ That's why he couldn't help but get involved in a shootout when he was trying to enjoy a night walk with you, he was incredibly quick to get you out of the way of the bullet that was aimed at your head, but he didn't expect for another one to embed itself in your lung seconds later.

─ His whole world shattered because he thought he had been able to save you, but seeing you dying in pain while he tried to take you to the nearest hospital was something worse than death for him, especially because you didn't make it.

─ It's not a surprise that the day after mourning that entire band was brutally murdered with just his fists, the sound of bones breaking under his knuckles was music to his ears that day.

[listofwhyyouloveher]

hcs for the gang (separate) with an anxious younger fem reader? like maybe 12-13-14? Reader is used to people suddenly walking out or being pulled away of her life (her father died in a car accident, her childhood best friend suddenly had to move away, other close friend went missing, a cousin of hers died because of a sickness, etc, etc) so she's kind of constantly stuck in the mindset of "this could be the last moment togheter" (the boys are kind of obvlivious to reader's past with sudden departures). so when she feels like too much time has passed without anything bad happening to her she kind of just drops onto their side and cuddles up to them, shutting everything out completely and just kind of burning the memory of them and that moment into her head (like the way they smell, the clothest they are wearing, how warm their bodies are, how their voices sound, etc, etc) poor reader's just a traumatized bean lmao 😭

Summary: The Outsiders w anxious!reader

Warnings: anxiety mentions, mentions of death, mentions of loss

Author's Note: none

PONYBOY CURTIS

Ponyboy has always been helpful after the loss of your family. It was written in the news as a "freak accident" but to you it was your whole life being shattered.

In a way, Pony knew what you were going through, having lost his parents too. So he was your rock in such a desperate time.

You're life was genuinely a tragedy, you'd lost quite a lot. So you made him promise he'd never leave, and of course he agreed because there was little he liked more than you.

Although summer was unbearably hot, the winters always shocked you with their biting frosts and chills. You were huddled in a ball on the couch thinking about your past when Pony sat next to you. Immediately, you wrapped your arms around him, burying your face in his neck and shutting your eyes tightly.

Pony was used to your moments, where you shut everything out and just focus on him. He smelled like books, charcoal and faint cigarette smoke. Pony stroked your back gently, letting you absorb the moment.

JOHNNY CADE

Johnny has never felt the loss of a loved one, to him, he's never had many loved ones. However, his lackluster way of empathizing with you made a sincere impression on you.

You connected with Jojnny very quickly after your parents death and he was always willing to hold you when you got night terrors, or when you just couldn't deal with the world. He felt that in some way, you completed each other.

Tonight, you had another dream. It was a terrible cycle of having your family ripped from your life and out of your heart again. You sprung out of bed, warm and sticky sweat still fresh on your goosebump-ed skin. You dialed Johnny number and prayed to every god you knew that he was home.

He arrived at you door within 10 minutes, finding you curled up under your covers, shivering and shaking. He helped you sit up and wiped your tears. Slowly, you wrapped your arms around him, just being there with him. His callous yet soft hands patted the bare skin of your shoulder, his rough denim jacket uncomfortably rubbing against your skin, everything about him you engraved in your mind.

SODAPOP CURTIS

Sodapop was no stranger to loss, and to dealing with the overwhelming grief that pours out. He had enough strength to help Pony get through it and with your parents untimely demise still fresh in your mind, he knew he needed to do it again.

For the longest time, he would hold you to sleep, comforting you, telling you that he'll never leave. He found equal solace in comforting you as you did getting comforted by him.

You made it your goal to memorize everything about Soda, as to never forget. He never wore hair grease at night so his hair smelled like soap and his skin smelled like wood and a mechanic shop. He always wore an unbuttoned button up and was always a little too cold at first. You would say you studied him like a muse, but in reality in his eyes you were the muse, the angel with decorated wings in a painting.

STEVE RANDLE

Steve never meant to get involved with the only girl in the gang. He feared that it would throw off the comfortable balance you had created for yourself. But the day he saw you crying on the curb, red and puffy lips and eyes, something tugged in his heart. He was by your side, asking what was pestering you. You showed him the scrap of paper that listed the dates of your family's death. It was if the ink was still fresh because the news shocked him too. He was reminded of all those nights he poured drink after drink for Soda, eyes brimming with tears that were too stubborn to fall.

He found himself in the same predicament, pouring you a big glass of hard liquor, watching you sip at it before down the whole glass. He sat next to you, unsure of what to do next when you silently rested your head on his shoulder.

His hair smelled like grease and his button up like motor oil, but it was a comforting, down to earth smell. Something in your stomach twisted and you felt your nose burn and eyes well with tears. Noticing this, Steve swung his arm around your waist, pulling you close, trying his best to comfort you, someone who'd been there for everyone in a way that was purely angelic. He wanted to mimic your soft touch and happy smile, so he let himself be consumed by you.

TWO BIT MATHEWS

Two-Bit had always thought of himself as a poor communicator and comforter, but the way you confided in him after the death of your parents bloomed a new love I'm him for being such a important person in your life.

It was no secret that he enjoyed being the one you relied on and he would often go out of your way to bring you thinks, soup his mom cooked, flowers he picked that he knew your dad grew in his garden.

He was sitting with you on your couch watching home movies your mom made, his hand gently patting your plush thigh when you curled into him. He smelled like pizza, probably his dinner, and the Disney princess perfume that his sister liked to wear. It was an odd combination but it was humbling, reminding you of a home you yearned for now that you lost yours. He gently wrapped his arm around you, smiling down at you, someone he loved as dearly as his family.

DARRY CURTIS

Darry was never the one to comfort. He found that he could get more done by bottling all the emotions up, pushing Soda and Pony to work hard through their pain. But he knew he couldn't do that to you, and in a way, he made Pony and Soda jealous by how he treated you, soft and feathery with kind words and patience.

He invites you over for dinner when Soda and Pony would go out together with the rest of the gang. Everytime he makes your favorite food and you sit across from each other. He stabilized you everytime your thoughts ran, helping you through this tough time. It was these moments that you tried to memorize, the smell of Darry's cologne mixing with your comfort food and the faint scent of the rest of the gang, you wanted it pierced through your very soul, staying there like a tattoo.

Darry reached for your hand, stroking your trembling fingers.

"You ok, kid?" He ask, voice soft like a small flame. You look up at him from your food, there's a bittersweet smile on your lips that he's seen so often. You interlock your fingers with his and cry.

DALLAS WINSTON

Dallas hates you. He tells himself that everytime he sees your smiling face. There was no hiding his contempt for someone so unbearably joyful. But he wasn't happy when you finally dropped your smile, when you fell to your knees, hands clenching onto nothing and tears falling from your eyes to the ground like bullets. He was there the day you got the news. There was no saving your family, there couldn't even be a proper funeral due to your lack of money.

He wanted to hold you, but Dallas doesn't hold, Dallas grips and tugs and rips at anything soft. So he merely sat with you while you cried, body trembling and racked with sobs that made your body ache.

He pulls a cancer stick from his pocket and lights it. The scent and smoke of unfiltered tobacco burns your already red eyes but it's a familiar feeling. He hands you a cigarette that you gladly take and he holds his lighter up to the end. His hands smell like smoke and musk, a woodsy scent that you find yourself almost reaching for. The comforting scent of a home.

[crazyunsexycool]

My Little Love

Chapter 32

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Enhanced!Reader

Word count: 5.7K

Warning: Some tears, little bit of angst, Sad Henry, Some seperation anxiety, some fluff

A/N: Our favorite family is back. Also it's the first official introduction to Steve's Honey. Although it's only for a brief moment. This also happens before all of the holiday one shots for this series.

Series Masterlist

There was fire in your veins. It traveled from the top of your head to your toes. The burning sensation wouldn’t stop even as you begged for some mercy. Leather straps dug into your flesh, cutting your skin and drawing  blood. The more you struggled the worse it got. 

A voice, familiar, cold and harsh made impossible demands. You begged some more. The only response you received was that same voice, mocking you and a stinging sensation across your cheek.

You couldn’t place the voice no matter how much you tried to remember. Where had you heard it before? A choked sob escapes you as the group of people around you move to ‘work’ on you. 

****

Shallow ragged breaths fill the otherwise quiet room. Slowly a voice calls out to you. Dripping with love and innocence and concern. It pulled you out of the deep dark memories that were weighing you down.

“Mama, is kay now. No cwy.” Charlotte’s reassurance was spoken in a calming manner. 

“It’s just a nightmare.” You heard Henry say as you finally opened your eyes. 

Your body ached, your muscles were tense and sore but you realized that you weren’t in the living room anymore. At some point someone, most likely Bucky, moved you to the master bedroom. Immediately your mind went back to the nightmare, a memory really. You couldn’t shake that feeling of knowing who that voice belonged to. 

“Mowning mama.” Lottie’s sweet sleepy voice pulls your attention as she gently caresses your cheek. She wipes away the tears that had fallen. 

“Morning sweet Angel. Morning my sweet boy.” 

It was a delight for them to hear those nicknames. They sat at either side of you and when you opened your arms they didn’t hesitate to snuggle up to you. You kissed the tops of their heads and just enjoyed being with them again. It was obvious by the sleepy looks in their eyes that you had woken them up. The door opens slowly and you manage to look over to see Bucky pop his head in. His smile is breathtakingly soft as he watches the three of you all cuddled up in bed. 

“Daddy come on.” Henry patted the empty space beside him.

Bucky’s smile widened as he walked in and closed the door. He was dressed in a black t-shirt and gray sweatpants which meant that he had just woken up too. He had no problem taking up the empty spot next to his son. Instinctively Bucky’s hand finds yours, your fingers intertwine with his. Soon enough Henry starts telling you about the video games he and uncle Sam and uncle Josh played. Lottie tells you about her sleepovers with Olivia. You listen and ask all kinds of questions and for those few minutes you forget about the hell you lived through and the three months you had been separated. The four of you joke and laugh, share cuddles and kisses. Your heart feels light and it erases any memory of your nightmare. 

There’s a knock on the door and when it opens it’s your dad. He informs you that your siblings are here. Reluctantly you let the kids go and got up, sitting at the edge of the bed. Henry took Charlotte’s hand and led her out to the living room, you could immediately hear your siblings greeting them. 

“How are you feeling?” Bucky asked. He knew from experience that asking if someone was ok after a traumatic experience wasn’t the best way to get them to talk. 

“Tired.” You murmured. “I had a nightmare, a memory really. I hate remembering.” 

He shuffled around and sat next to you. Bucky’s arm moved behind you until it settled around your waist. 

“I know Sugar. I hate to say it but it won’t always be easy. But I’m right here with you. I’ll do whatever you need me to do.” 

You gave him a sad smile before resting your head on his shoulder. The two of you stay like that for a few minutes before you get up and head to the bathroom to freshen up. 

****

Bucky had already joined your family in the living room. He’d advised them that you had woken up from a nightmare, that from the events that happened the day before you were probably still on edge and that it would be better to not get too excited or loud around you just yet.  

“Hey.” You said as you stood at the edge of the living room. Unsure of what to do next. 

“Y/N.” 

Luke got up first and he made his way towards you. It was slow and cautious, almost as if he was afraid to scare a wild animal. 

“Can I hug you?” He asked, although he kept his hands in his pockets instead of holding his arms out and not really giving you a choice. 

“Yeah, that would be ok.” 

Gently Luke pulled you into a hug and kissed the top of your head. You clung to him. The moment felt all too familiar. It brought you back to your childhood when you would get in trouble way before you had been alienated from your siblings. You realized you were crying harder than you meant to because Luke was swaying side to side and reassuring you that you were safe. 

Next came Josh and Sofia, followed by Molly. All of them telling you how happy they were that you were safe. Olivia was the last to come up to you. Still shy around you but you couldn’t blame her, you had barely spent any time together. 

“Hi auntie Y/N.” She says shyly, halfway hidden behind Molly’s legs. 

“Hi Oli. Lottie told me you had a lot of sleepovers.” You had gone down to her level and she loosened her grip on Molly’s leg and shifted a tad bit closer. 

“Yeah, she was sad a lot because she missed you.” 

“I missed her too, but thank you because you kept her company.” 

“I missed you too.” She reveals as she walks even closer to you. “You’re fun.” 

“Yeah? I missed you too.” 

Olivia is finally standing in front of you, her hands behind her back and she squirms around a bit. You play with her curls and smile at her.

“Can I hug you too?” 

“I would really love a hug from you.” 

She gives you a toothy grin and then her small arms wrap loosely around your neck. You pull her in and pick her up. 

“Thank you for helping Charlotte and Henry while I was gone. You are the best cousin ever.” You whisper in her ear and she giggles. With a kiss to her temple you set her down. 

There’s an awkward silence. You knew that they wanted to ask you about what you went through. There was no way you’d tell them. Some of it you didn’t even really remember. 

“What do you need from us?” Luke asks as everyone settles down. 

You blinked at him, confused at his question. 

“We don’t want to overwhelm you.” Molly adds. “So whatever you need us for, we're here, just let us know.” 

You nodded but you were at a loss for words. It was a lot to take in, in the last few hours. It hadn’t even been a full 24 since you were found so suddenly having so much control of yourself and freedom you didn’t know what to do. 

“Shouldn’t you be meeting with Shuri?” Ed offered.

“Yeah we should. Are you ok with waiting here?” 

“Of course, whatever you need.” 

The information Shuri had for you was worse than you thought. There were several microchips implanted in your brain. Those along with a chemical component were being used to control you. Half of the issue was resolved when Yelena sprayed the antidote in your face a few hours ago. The other half was going to be complicated. You were going to need literal brain surgery to be completely free of hydra’s hold. 

Bucky took you aside and for a while he just held you. It was overwhelming. The decisions you’d both have to make were difficult. 

“Look at me Sugar.” Bucky murmurs as he pulls back. Your red rimmed eyes meet his bright blue ones. “I know it’s a lot more to ask of you. You’ve been through hell, I get it. But we have to do this. We have to go back to Wakanda and make sure those things are out of your head. I promise I’ll be right there with you. Then this will all be over.” 

“What about the kids?” 

Bucky sighs. 

“But you just got back, you can’t leave mama.” Henry argues, he’s on the verge of tears. 

“I know, sweet boy. I don’t want to go but the bad men hurt me and I have to go to Wakanda to get better like you, daddy and Lottie did.” 

“But we were gone for so long.” 

“Shuri thinks that it will take less time, bubs.” You tried to soothe him and run your hand up and down his arm but he pulled away. 

“Why can’t we go with you? You went with us last time?” 

“Bubba, mama needs to get bettuh.” Lottie speaks up for the first time. You had noticed she had been lost in thought, you’re sure she was having a vision. 

“But daddy is going.” 

“I’m going to be there to watch over mama during and after her treatments.” Bucky added.

Henry threw his arms around your neck and cried. He pleaded with you to take him but in reality you weren’t sure if your memory would be affected after the surgery or worse if you’d die because of it. You didn’t want either of them to see that and Bucky wouldn’t be able to watch them and take care of you at the same time. That’s what you tried to explain to Henry but he wouldn’t accept it. After going back and forth he just stepped away from you. 

“Fine leave again then. I don’t care.” He all but yelled before running away, turning invisible as he did. 

His reaction had you crying. He had been anxious while you were gone and now that he had you back you were leaving again. Henry’s reaction was completely understandable but it still hurt you. Lottie stood in front of you and offered you a smile. Her hair was much longer and she had it swept over her shoulder to one side as she played with the ends. 

“Is kay mama. Bubba just scared. I make him not scared.” 

“You’re gonna take care of him while we’re gone?” 

“Mmhmm.” She nods as she places her arms and crosses them over your legs propping her chin on one of her free hands. “No be scared mama.” She taps her temple. “Mama be kay. I see it.” 

You make a sound between a laugh and a sob before you pick her up. Lottie smiled at you and leaned into your chest. Leaving them again wasn’t going to be easy. In fact you were sure that the tightness in your chest had everything to do with being away from them. 

****

Shuri and the Dora Milaje that stayed to protect her were already on their jet. You and Bucky would be leaving with them. There was not a lot of time from when you told the kids to when you’d actually leaving so you weren’t able to talk to Henry again. You didn’t want to leave things like that with him but the clock was ticking and you weren’t sure what hydra would be able to do to you. After you said goodbye to your family you and Bucky were at Bruce’s lab, getting some last minute information. 

“This is a very awkward conversation to be having.” Bruce sighed. 

“Is something wrong with Y/N?”

“No, not exactly.” Bruce cleared his throat but was going slightly red at the mere thought of having to discuss this. “I think you should um not- do certain things for the next three weeks.”

“What things Bruce?” You look at him confused. “No training or using guns?”

“No. I mean you shouldn’t do those things either.”

“Then what?” Bucky was getting irritated.

“Don’t have sex.” 

You and Bucky turn to see a woman walking up to you.

“I’m sorry what? Who are you?” 

“I’m Dr. Banner’s new assistant.” She offers you and Bucky her name. “I started a few weeks ago. Anyways, while running some tests on your blood samples we found high doses of medication used for fertility treatments.” 

The reality of what this meant sat heavy in the air. They were preparing to use you for another winter soldier child and who knows what they would have done to you once you gave birth. 

“She’s right. I’ll have Shuri monitor your levels but from now until you get back it’s best if you abstain from those activities. Unless of course you’re ready for more kids.”

“Bruce, just tell us not to have sex.” Bucky shakes his head and holds back a chuckle. 

“Fine, don’t have sex. Now get out of my lab.” He chuckles. “I know you’re in very capable hands but good luck.” 

“Thanks Bruce.”  You also thank his assistant before heading out.

****

“So brain surgery, upset kid and now no sex. Things can only go up from here.” You tell Bucky as you sit back in the jet. 

Bucky chuckles and shakes his head. 

“They will. They have to.”

“I haven’t had the chance to say it but I’m glad you’ve let your hair grow out. I always wanted to play with your hair when you had it long like this.” 

“You’re welcome to play with my hair as much as you want.” 

You sigh and lay your head against his shoulder. 

“What’s wrong, Sugar?” 

You take a moment and tell him what’s bothering you. That voice in your dream and how you felt that you were supposed to recognize it. That there were things that you didn’t remember but that it was more than that, it felt that there was a wall blocking those memories. Bucky takes your hand and reassures you that everything will be ok. That most likely you just need to remove those microchips in your brain and everything will fall back into place. You can only hope that he’s right.

For days Shuri worked tirelessly to undo what hydra had done. It was difficult the first time you woke up to find out that the surgery was being done in sections. After two weeks of going between surgery and recovery, Shuri was finally done. It was complicated to say the least but it had been successful. You took one week to fully recover thanks to the serum.

****

It was a brisk night in Wakanda. The nightgown you had on did little to keep you warm but with all of the memories coming back to you it was a welcomed change. Some peace and quiet was exactly what you needed as you thought about how you would tell Bucky who had been hurting you and what you had learned and remembered.

“Sugar? Everything alright?” Bucky’s gravelly voice cuts the silence. 

“Yeah, just another nightmare.” 

“Mmm.” Bucky walks up and places his hands on your hips. You can feel his body warmth against your back. “Want to talk about it?” 

Turning around you look up into his concerned blue eyes. You knew you had to tell him but you were scared at his reaction. Bucky pulls you into his chest, his hand running up and down your back in a soothing manner. 

“I remember everything.” You mumble while blinking back tears. “I don’t even know where to start.” 

“It’s ok Sugar. I know this part is difficult, remembering any part of it. Just tell me what you want, if you want too.” 

“I remember the voice.” You start by saying. “I remember everything she told me, it was horrible.” 

“She?” Bucky racked his brain trying to remember any high ranking female hydra officers but he couldn’t. 

You pulled back to look at him, the truth was on the tip of your tongue but the weight of it kept you from talking. Bucky cupped your face and tilted your head so that you would look at him again. Your gaze was starting to unfocus and he called your name softly. One warm and one cold hand grounding you in reality. You weren’t strapped to that table anymore. There wasn’t a room full of men ripping you apart and figuring out the best way to put you back together. No, you are safe now. In the arms of the man that loved you and who might despise you in a moment. 

“You’ll hate me.” 

Bucky’s brows furrowed in confusion. There was a chance you weren’t coherent due to the surgery and medications. 

“I could never hate you, Sugar.” 

You blinked up at him owlishly while studying Bucky’s face. It might be the last time that he looked at you with so much love. With your hands wrapped around his wrists you take a deep breath. It was now or never. 

“My mom.” Bucky tilts his head but waits for you to continue talking. “She’s the voice. She was the one in charge.” 

You felt him stiffen.

“Your mother is hydra? Is your father? Your siblings?” A bit of panic in his tone.

You shook your head as he pulled away. He paced back and forth on the balcony. 

“How? Why? I don’t understand.” 

“Apparently all of the family on her side was hydra. But that’s not all.” You started crying then. Bucky stopped and looked at you. 

“My great grandfather and grandfather they were both-“ you struggled to get the words out. It hurt to think that two of the people you loved the most were created at the hands of your family members.

“They what?” 

You flinched slightly at the sharpness of his tone. 

“They were both part of the winter soldier program and of developing the program for Henry, Charlotte and the boys.”

Bucky stared at you with slight horror. He takes a step away from you and then another. 

“She was horrible. The things she told me.” You start to sob. “What she did to me as a kid was nothing compared to what she did this time.” You turn away from him and lean on the railing again. “The plans she had for me were evil. Having me hurt Charlotte and Henry was a fail safe plan. She knew it would kill me if they were hurt.” You hide your face in your hands and continue to cry over everything. 

The sight of you crying over the things your family has done breaks Bucky’s heart. You flinch when you feel his hand on your back.

“Sugar, it’s over.” 

“It’s not.” You shake your head. “She’s still out there. It’s not over until she’s dead.” You turn to look at him again with a pained expression. “As long as she’s alive we’ll never have peace.” 

“We will. I promise you we will.” 

Bucky pulls you into his chest and lets you cry until you can’t anymore. He had to put his feelings aside for the moment, this wasn’t about him and it wasn’t your fault. Deep down he knows you aren’t like the monster that your mother is, and neither is your family. 

From the moment you told Henry you had to go to Wakanda he had been anxiously awaiting your return. He felt bad for not saying goodbye. It didn’t help that Charlotte called him out on ‘being mean to mama’ when you were already scared. All he wanted now was for you to come back so he could tell you that he didn’t mean it. He was scared too.

It also happened that he was sad at the thought that you would miss his first official birthday. It’s not that a party was the most important thing to him but Henry wanted to spend it together as a family. 

So on the actual day no one could coax him out of his room. Not Eddie, Luke, Molly or Steve and Sam. Not even Lottie could convince him to go up to his party. 

“But bubba is so nice. You habe fun.” Lottie rubbed his back in a comforting manner as he lay facing the wall. 

“I don’t want to have a birthday party. You go and have fun baby.” 

Lottie huffs in annoyance. “Kay.” She says as she walks out and closes the door. 

A few minutes later there’s another knock and the door opens. 

“I said I don’t want to go to the party.” Henry’s tone is stern.

“That’s ok sweet boy. What if we do something else, just the four of us?” 

Henry sits up, his eyes wide and mouth hanging open as he turns towards the door.

“Mama, you’re back.” He says between choked sobs. Henry hops off the bed and runs into your waiting arms. “I’m sorry mama, I didn’t wanna be mean.” 

“I know bubs. We were both scared.” 

“I love you mama.”

“I love you too.” You kiss the top of his head and hug him for as long as he needs too. Pulling back, you cup his face with both of your hands. “Happy birthday.”

Soon he pulls away and moves to hug Bucky. 

“Happy birthday bubs.” 

“Thanks. Did you know they were coming back today?” Henry turns to look at Lottie who is giving him a mischievous smile. 

“Yeah.” 

“Why didn’t you say anything?” 

“Is a suwpwise. Duh.” Lottie rolled her eyes. 

“When did she learn how to do that?” You whisper to Bucky. 

“She spent way too much time with Nat and Sofia.” 

“Oh great.” You mutter. “So what do you say sweet boy, party or family hang out?”

“I don’t know. Shouldn’t you rest?” 

“I had all the rest I needed for now. Besides your dad and I made sure to pick a good theme for your birthday. Are you sure you don’t want to go see it at least?” 

“You picked it?” Henry asks while looking at both of you wide eyed. 

“Of course. Well it was your dad’s idea. I wish I would have been able to plan it though.” You gave Henry a sad smile.

“I wanna go to the party.” He says excitedly.

“Let’s go then.”

****

As always Tony out did himself. The largest of the shared living rooms had been turned into a fully functioning arcade. All types of retro arcade games were set up around the room, one of the bars had been turned into a prize booth and even the lighting was perfect. Anything you could find in an arcade you found here and there were even some of Henry’s favorite things available too.

There were banners hanging up that said ‘gamers don’t age, they level up’. Henry was wide eyed as he looked around and found that all of his favorite people were there including Sam’s nephews and Clint’s older son. Still it wasn’t packed with people which you greatly appreciated.

“Can I go play?” Henry looked up at you and Bucky.

“Of course bubs, it’s your birthday.” Bucky nods. 

“I’ll find you later. C’mon baby let’s go.” 

Bucky slips a hand around your waist as you watch the kids run further into the room. He leads you a bit further in but you stop him and nod in the direction of the bar.

“What in the world is going on there?” You were referring to Steve talking with Bruce’s new assistant. 

They looked like complete opposites. Steve was animated and smiling while she was a bit more guarded, a bored expression on her face. Still there was a bit of lightness in her eyes as she looked at Steve. You wondered how it started and what it was in the first place. 

“Don’t worry Sugar, we’ll find out soon enough.”

“You can’t tease him about it.” 

“I won’t make a promise I don’t intend to keep.” Bucky says with a chuckle.

Just then Steve turns around just to take in the room and his whole face lights up when he sees you. You watch as he excuses himself and walks over to you.

“When did you get back?” He asks as he gives you both hugs. 

“A few minutes ago. We wanted to surprise Henry.”

“So I’m assuming everything went well.” 

“Yeah. I remembered everything. There’s-“ you sigh, your features darkening for a moment. “There’s someone from hydra still out there.” 

“You sure? We haven’t gone through all of the files yet.” 

“Trust me, there’s someone missing on the list of detainees.” Bucky adds. “But we’ll worry about that tomorrow. Right now we are here to celebrate.”

You smile up at him. Although the serum had healed all of the surgical incisions your body was still exhausted from the three months of hell you lived through, the surgery and the emotional rollercoaster too. So you decided on taking it easy. You walked through the room, finding your family or the team and talking. Sitting and just enjoying being back home. 

****

“I’m going to win you a prize Sugar. Pick whatever teddy bear you want.” Bucky says with a smirk. 

“I want that teddy that looks like you.” You point at the stuffie that had a black and gold arm. 

“You got it.” 

Bucky heads to the basketball game and shoots nothing but net. He ends up getting so many tickets he can get you the bear. 

“Is this how you used to woo the girls you dated back in the 30s?” You asked as you hugged the bear to your chest. 

“Maybe.” 

You smile and kiss his cheek. “Thanks for my new sleeping buddy. I’m sure he’ll keep me safe.” 

“What? There’s no way a stuffed bear is replacing me.” 

“But he’s so cute and cuddly.” 

“Sugar.” He gave you a halfhearted glare. 

You kiss his cheek, laughing before you disappear between some of the arcade games with Bucky grumbling behind you. Charlotte and Olivia run past you, each of them holding some cotton candy and giggling. Henry is sitting at a racing game with Sam in the seat next to him, both of them competing for first place. 

“You can’t use your own hammer, Point Break.” Tony tells Thor. 

“But the objective is to hit these creatures.”

“You’re supposed to wack, not obliterate.”  

You chuckle and shake your head as you walk past them and find your dad hanging out in the lounge area with a drink in hand. He pats the empty seat beside him and you take it, immediately resting your head on his shoulder. After making sure you’re ok, Bucky leaves to find Steve and challenge him in a game of pool.

“How are you feeling, kitten? Do you need to go up and rest? I’m sure Henry wouldn’t mind if you went and had a nap.” Eddie said.

“No, I'm ok. As long as I’m not pushing myself physically I’ll be fine. I’ve already missed so much.” 

The two of you sit there for a while just watching everyone enjoy the party. Eddie just says something once in a while but mostly you sit in silence. It was nice but it felt surreal. Now you had a better understanding of why Bucky hated crowds. The space felt suffocating, as if all eyes were on you and every whispered conversation was about you. Maybe they were waiting for you to break. But it wouldn’t happen tonight. This night was reserved for Henry and he deserved a good birthday.

****

“Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you.” Everyone stood around the birthday cake which was made to look like a huge video game controller, singing. 

Bucky held Lottie while you had your hands resting on Henry’s shoulders. 

“Happy birthday dear Henry, happy birthday to you.” 

���Blow out your candles and make a wish.” You whisper.

Henry looks back at you with a smile. An innocence you’d barely seen in him since he was rescued. There was pure joy on his face as he turned to look at his dad and sister. He turns back to the cake and blows the candles out. Everyone cheers and you kiss the top of his head. You pull him back as Molly and Wanda begin to cut the cake. Soon enough everyone has a piece.

****

“You have a mess on your face sweet angel.” You say while trying to wipe Lottie’s face clean with a napkin. 

“No mama.” Lottie pulls away, sticking her tongue out to try and lick away the frosting around her lips. Then she takes another spoonful of cake and shovels it in her mouth. “Habe some, mama.” She takes another spoonful and holds it up for you.

“No thank you, baby. I already had some.” 

“Is kay mama. Habe some, is so yummy.” 

You huff a laugh and accept the spoonful Lottie had offered you. She smiles before turning her attention back to her slice. This was very reminiscent of the night she called you mama for the first time. She was sitting on your lap yet again with a huge mess on her face. Everyone sat around talking and having a good time. This time though, Henry sat next to you and your family was here. Memories like this is what you would cling to in order to keep the nightmares at bay.

After a while the party calmed down. People were still playing video games but the atmosphere was more relaxed. You couldn’t fight the exhaustion anymore so you went to find Henry. He was waiting his turn to play dance, dance revolution. 

“Hey birthday boy.” You tousled his hair to get his attention.

“Hey mama. Do you want to play this?” 

“No it’s ok. I am going to go upstairs and lay down. I’m tired.”

Henry looked at the game and back at you unsure of what to do. 

“I’m not saying you have to leave the party, baby. I’m just letting you know so you don’t think I left you, ok?” You caress his cheek and smile. 

“Are daddy and baby going with you?”

“No,” you shake your head. “I’m just going to lay down for a little bit. Your dad and Lottie will still be running around. I’ll try to come back down later.” 

“It’s ok mama.” Henry gives you a hug. “Thank you for coming back for my birthday.” 

“I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.” You kiss his forehead. “I’ll see you later.”

“Ok mama.” 

You watch as Henry gets up to select what he wanted to dance to before looking for Bucky. You find him with Luke, Olivia and Charlotte on the balcony. The girls were admiring the twinkling lights of the city as night fell while Bucky and Luke had a conversation. You go up to them and let them know you’re going to be leaving the party. Bucky takes your hand and gives your knuckles a quick kiss before watching you walk away.

At some point after you had fallen asleep Bucky  joined you in bed. The weight of his arm around your waist and the soft rise and fall of his chest against your back brought you comfort. You couldn’t, however, fall back asleep. As quietly and quickly as you could you slid out of bed and out of the room. You needed some fresh air so you slid the door to the balcony open and stepped outside. 

“Mama?” Henry asks from the door. 

You turn, surprised to see him awake at whatever time it was. He walks towards you, rubbing the sleep out of his eye with the back of his hand. You open your arms for him. 

“I was calling you, didn’t you hear me?” He asks as he leans into your warm embrace.

“I’m sorry sweet boy, I guess I was just thinking too much.” 

“It’s ok. Why are you out here? Aren’t you cold?” Henry presses himself closer to you.

“Not really but let's go inside.”

You head to the living room and get comfortable on the couch. Henry lays down and rests his head on your lap. Immediately you start playing with his hair while he holds your free hand. 

“When do you know if a birthday wish worked, mama?” 

“Well I think it depends on what you wished for. If it was something big then it could take some time.” You look down at him. “Why?” 

“I just want my wish to work fast.” 

“What did you wish for, sweet boy?” 

Henry sits up and faces you. “I wished for you to not feel scared like I was when I got here.” 

“Oh baby, you didn’t have to use your wish on that. I’ll get better little by little I promise.” Henry’s revelation made you tear up just a bit.

“I know. I just wanted to help you like you and daddy and baby always help me.” 

You smile at him then pull him in for a hug. 

“You are helping me, sweet boy. Just by being here with me right now and giving me some cuddles.” 

“I can do that.” 

“I know you can. I love you so much my sweet, sweet boy.” You kiss the top of his head before getting comfortable on the couch. 

“I love you too mama. I missed you so much.” Henry whispers.

“I missed you too.” 

Henry ends up cuddled up on your lap. His face is buried in the crook of your neck. Soft snores fill the quiet room. Your hold on him is strong and you struggle to not think about the things he must have gone through now that you have experienced some of them. 

The two of you stay on the couch until the morning when you’re woken up. Charlotte, wanting to be included in some cuddles, hopped up on the couch and found a spot on your lap before practically falling asleep again. For the next few weeks it’s the same routine. You wake up due to the nightmares and someone always finds you. The kids comfort you by cuddling on the couch, Bucky by letting you cry on his shoulder. 

It was true what Bucky had said, it wouldn’t be easy but you would manage. Your life would be slightly different now but you had a reason to keep pushing forward. You had good days and you had bad days but you pushed through it all. There was lost time you needed to make up with the kids and you intended to do just that. 

Ch. 33

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[misscammiedawn]

Ok but like aren't you just promoting further dissociation by treating DID like your own personal character sheet of online personas? Can you explain why that's a legitimate thing to support people doing instead of seeking professional help to stop the dissociation in the first place?

(Edit: we never implied people should not seek treatment. Do not understand why you thought this. We are heavy advocates of mental healthcare and write about that often)

That is a fair and valid question and one that is personal to every person who receives care and treatment.

The ISSTD guidelines specifically caution against treating parts/alters as individuals in the very first words of their section on treatment and care:

Although the DID patient has the subjective experience of having separate identities, it is important for clinicians to keep in mind that the patient is not a collection of separate people sharing the same body. The DID patient should be seen as a whole adult person, with the identities sharing responsibility for daily life. Clinicians working with DID patients generally must hold the whole person (i.e., system of alternate identities) responsible for the behavior of any or all of the constituent identities, even in the presence of amnesia or the sense of lack of control or agency over behavior (see Radden, 1996).

This is often quoted in support communities as a way of invalidating alters/parts and imply that treating the parts as individuals is unhealthy.

The unhealthy thing is not acknowledging that we are the same person. As the writing above states, we have collective responsibility for our shared life.

There is only one name on our driver's license.

In fact with our own treatment it took over 3 months of consistent work for the parts in denial to accept we had the condition. The first step was acknowledging that there was a divide.

In Janina Fischer's book Healing the Fragmented Self there is an entire unit on befriending dissociated parts that covers this important step in the healing journey:

“Befriending” one’s parts is not simply a therapeutic endeavor: it also contributes to developing the practice of self-acceptance, one part at a time. When Learning to See Our “Selves” clients pause their reactions to “befriend” themselves, to be curious and interested rather than dismissing and reactive, they slow time. Autonomic arousal settles; there is a relaxing of the sense of urgency to do or be anything different. They feel more at peace because their parts can be more at peace. Self-alienation, that is, disowning of some parts and identifying with others exclusively, does not contribute to a sense of well-being, even when it is absolutely necessary in order to survive. Self-alienation creates tension, pits part against part, communicates a hostile environment (often much like the traumatic environment), and diminishes the self-esteem of every part. Befriending means that we “radically accept” (Linehan, 1993) that we share our bodies and lives with these “room-mates” and that living well with ourselves requires living amicably and collaboratively with our parts. The more we welcome rather than reject them, the safer our internal worlds.

In a therapeutic setting for recovery one needs to accept that the parts exist and that contradicting desires and impulses are happening within the patient. Accepting and acknowledging parts is essential to that and getting to know them, or befriending them as Fischer puts it, is part of understanding these desires.

We are a fairly neat and tidy system as far as many dissociative systems go. Over the course of our therapy and in allowing our parts to have agency, autonomy and individual expression we have come to learn that as a single unified being there are aspects of our personality which we cannot accept as part of who we see ourselves or allow others to see ourselves as.

The big one that many people know is Dawn. We are terrified of erotic intimacy to the point of pre-diagnosis shutting down completely if we were touched in certain areas. We still had our drives, impulses and intrigues though and so Dawn was a version of us that would create online accounts and exist in kink communities and frankly push us beyond the point of comfort which caused us to have meltdowns, delete accounts and try to deny our sexuality entirely. The same is true of our gender expression.

We were married for 11 years and there is not a single erotic encounter that Dawn did not handle for the body. We have no memory of any of it.

As we accepted Dawn and made space for she has simmered down, no longer needing to tug on her leash in order to act and have her needs met. As a symptom we have evened out and are much more comfortable presenting as a sex-repulsed asexual, even when she is front.

The reason is, again, we are one person. Dawn is just a version of us that is not impacted by the terror we have towards eroticism.

Every part of our system exists for a reason. Forcing ourselves to accept the extreme reactions of our parts as "who we are" is as unhealthy as rejecting it outright.

There is nuance and gray.

Integration is finding where the lines are. What is combined and accepted behavior for the system and what is unique to individual parts. Finding these little bits of individuality has been healing. Particularly when each individual trait is something we have rejected and hated ourselves for at a point of our life.

We are healing by accepting the differences.

If we ever get to the point of Functional Multiplicity versus Final Fusion we will decide what to do next.

We are not at the point where we are willing to make those decisions. For now we are one and we are many. We are comfortable with that. Rejecting that and hiding under the knowledge that we are one is denial in another form.

[sugar-omi]

How do you think everyone would react if cove and mc got pregnant at 18? Like the reason for them being engaged so young is because they are expecting

tags : Angst, headcanons, fem/afab reader, pregnancy

[part 2: cove finding out you're pregnant]

CLIFF

cliff would be.. he'd have the same feelings he had when kyra got pregnant with cove

he'd be scared, but happy because it is an exciting thing that a lot of people wish to hear one day!

but as cove's dad, he'd first be disappointed just because he never would've wished such a struggle on anyone at such a young age, especially his own son.

doesn't bother getting angry, because what would that do? it won't make you un-pregnant and it'd just make cove (and you) mad at him or upset, since of course you already know it's not an ideal situation.

when he realizes that you got engaged because of the pregnancy though, he tries to have a talk with cove.

he knows how much you two love each other, but he also knows from experience that this just doesn't work.

i think that'd end up in an argument, because even though cove and cliff have a better relationship than before, 5-10 years doesn't erase all the hurt from back then

cliff might end up saying something like "you don't want to end up like me and your mom" or even worse, "you shouldn't mess up your future."

all that would upset cove so much... because does he think that cove was a mistake? is that what he's saying? is he saying that you and cove would fail miserably? either way. they aren't thinking clearly, and cove already has a lotta feelings about how he was born, let alone conceived.

cove would probably end up saying something (a bit) hurtful like "i would never end up like you and mom." , "i would never marry MC if i didn't know it'd work. unlike some people, i'm not gonna make my kid listen to us argue and then try to play happy family." , or "trust me, my kid won't end up with a childhood like mine." / "trust me, my marriage won't end up like yours."

is it very ooc? probably. but everyone has the ability to say something hurtful, and when you experience something traumatic like your parents fighting, or knowing the circumstances of your birth, you have a lot of thoughts and feelings...

he does end up apologizing, but cliff probably ends up apologizing too since, again, they both probably said things they didn't mean

after that, things get a bit better. there's probably a lot of emotional conversations after that, just to get everything off their chests. hell we might even need family therapy, just to smooth things over before your baby gets here...

KYRA

now kyra... mmm i think this is where her awkwardness comes in. remember how she says she felt more like a cool aunt than his mom?

i think this is where kyra gets close to you, tries to offer you support and helps you through all the changes of pregnancy

she's mostly afraid for both of you. doesn't want you to try and slap a bandaid on this with marriage, kinda like how her and cliff did...

although i do think she was first angry when the news dropped. she really thought that you and cove, cove especially, would be more careful considering everything...

but the distance between her and you guys makes her sit on it for awhile, she does calm down and realize that you're just in the same position she was in, and are likely scared but doing your best...

calls both of you separately, just some a little one-on-one time and a heart-to-heart.

asks if you're really sure if you wanna get married, of course she expects you two to be sure about it, you two haven't gotten tired of each other yet and you're about to be intertwined in every way possible

reminds you that marriage is all about communication. and when you're raising a kid especially, and patience! also knows how much you love each other, and tells you to make time for yourselves and your relationship.

PAM & NOELANI

i instantly knew they'd be mad.

remember how pam worries in step 2 that cove is bad news? i think in her anger, ends up saying something like, "i knew something like this would happen." "i told you he was a bad influence."

yknow i've always wondered how cove would feel if he knew pam thought that about him, and i think in this situation, it'd hurt him a lot, and it'd open up a new can of insecurities and doubts.

starts worrying that he's holding you back, bringing you down... but we can get to that later

noelani tries to keep pam calm, does chastise her for saying that in front of you, especially if cove is there.

noelani is so disappointed, and you can see it so heavily... she'd sigh, mumble something- probably about how she "cant believe it...", covers her face with her hands..

she definitely asks, "how could you let this happen?" she really trusted you to make smart decisions, and even if this was a really big accident (like the rubber broke), she still didn't expect it n can't stop being disappointed

it takes them a few days for them to relax. this news had them totally spun and their emotions jumble up whenever its brought up or they think about it

they know being upset is gonna make it better, and if you're still living at home, they can see how sad you are, which helps them cave in. even if you don't whenever you call, they can hear how sad you are, or maybe you're texting less, whenever you visit your energy is lower than usual...

to start with, just to get out the way, they reassure you that you don't have to get married, that you shouldn't do something you guys don't want to, that you can be parents just fine without marriage

feels better when you insist you're not doing it just for the baby, i mean, not much. but you're insistent, and if you found out you're pregnant after getting engaged, they just have to trust you.

they also have to trust cove when he says he's gonna take care of you and the baby.

they knew cove is always very sincere and determined, even if he hesitates at times, but when he's set on something, he does it, so even though they're not happy about the situation, you're flying the nest now, and hitting milestones at a young age so all they can do is support you

and if noel does have a bit too much fun helping you set up the nursery, don't say a THING!!!

all the parents do make you sit down and explain your plan, who's going to work, who's watching the babe, if you're still going to school... all that. it's not that they aren't going to help you, but are you ready to take on the responsibility for your baby?

LIZ

liz is super worried for you, and cove too actually. you're her little sister/sibling, she still sees you and cove as kids in some way, and she still preens when you come to her for help...

the news just makes her head spin, but her first question is if you're okay, n if she's at home, she gives you a hug, lets you cry if you need it.

and this is also where her (protective) big sister energy comes in.. she hates seeing you sad when your moms are still heavily upset about the news

she tries to be there for you as much as possible, and especially if the first trimester is really rough on you, if cove isn't by your side then she is.

doesn't bother lecturing either of you. whats the point? all of your parents have already chewed your ears off, and it's not like you need any more stress or worry, or need to know that there's someone else disappointed in you/cove

i was going to say she'd give cove a stern talking too about being their for you, but she realizes she doesn't really need to do that.

tells him "i'm sure you'll be a good dad" maybe even, "well, i guess this was gonna happen one day anyway.." and that you're lucky to have him.

although after all those comforting n reassuring words, she does slap him on the back and remind him not to hurt or fail both of you, least he wants to feel her wrath. :) (she's a protective auntie already <33)

tries to keep the energy up by being excited for the baby, or by distracting you with some bonding time w your amazing older sister<3 makes jokes about being the cool aunt, when the times right ofc. she's really just trying to distract you, which works sometimes more than others

LEE

the phone is SILENT. which is really scary coming from lee...

she does speak eventually, asks if you're gonna keep it, what're you going to do, and depending on how you word the news, if cove is there to tell her, or if she's already heard some of the news from the rest of the family, she'll ask if cove knows

she tries not to ask too many questions, because she doesn't wanna upset you or seem insensitive

i think she's really lost on what to do. your and cove's parents have already done all the lecturing, and worrying over each detail...

so she just offers you comfort. or a distraction.

really, her reaction is based off yours, because if you're excited, then so is she! but if you're really sad and/or stressed, then she's subdued, tries to figure out how to help you even though she's not close by...

in fact, her and liz would plan a "girls trip" for you. just to distract you, help you feel better. it's nothing big, just 2 days in the city and you spend most your time going from shop to shop and different restaurants and cafes.

their energy keeps your spirits up, but if you're not up for all that, or even if you're tired of all the running around after the first day, they set up a nice "sleepover" in the hotel room and you only get one noise complaint!

both of them definitely reassure you that if you ever need a break, you can trust them, amazing and cool aunties lee and liz, with the babe (spoiler: you can, but just know you're interrupting many 'a tea parties when you come to pick up the babe)

DEREK, MIRANDA , TERRY, & BAXTER

their eyes fell out their head.

in fact, terry spat out his drink, like projectile spray... and derek is having an outta body experience probably, definitely dropped whatever he was holding.

baxter too, he's taking a sip of his coffee and when you tell him, he chokes a bit, squeezes the cup n now he has coffee on his pants... he's shocked as hell

i hope you didn't tell them in a public place btw, because terry definitely yelled out "you're pregnant?!" and now everyone in sunset bird/wherever you are who didn't know.. knows.

terry isn't sure whether to tell you congrats or not, is very very confused, says congrats but then starts rambling out loud about what if you're not excited, what if it's a bad thing... all that

and miranda too, offers a careful congrats and then says "um.. that is a good thing, right? i mean, it's okay if not!" and yeah you've broken them..

if you reassure them it is a good thing. well, as good as it can be really. then they relax

derek rambles off all his concerns, asks if you're really gonna do it (raise the baby)

and then starts rambling about how hard it was taking care of his brothers... is quick to remind you that it was fun! and he loves his brothers! and that you'll be great parents! and maybe your baby won't be as rambunctious as niko was as a toddler!

just offers you good wishes, and if you ever need help, call him! he's a expert at handling his brothers, so he might know a thing or two. unless it's genuine parenting advice then.. call his mom or dad, or yours, haha

now baxter... well assuming you told him you were engaged before he left, or even if you imagine all this happening while he's here, he doesn't have much to say

he's just a stranger after all, even if you befriend him quickly, he doesn't have much to say to you

he tries to contain his surprise, and he first asks if you're excited, then he offers his congratulations and says you two will be great parents and that the kid will be very loved by everyone.

after seeing you two around the neighborhood, and your getting to know your family and friends a bit, he doesn't worry about you guys too much.

even though he knows teen pregnancy isn't ideal, he does know your kid has a happy life ahead of them, and that you have a lot of support n love around you, and that you and cove will work hard to be good parents, so he doesn't worry for you too much

i'm tempted to say you or cove would find a unnamed flower or gift basket on your parents doorsteps, or maybe he even brings a very early wedding/baby gift since he knows he won't be around, but i'm not sure... although i think that's kinda a baxter thing to do

but now if he found out later in step 4, he'd be surprised by the news (and seeing that you have a kid already) but he'd just tell you he's happy it's all working out for you, and that your kid is very adorable and you have a lovely family

[dronebiscuitbat]

Oil is Thicker Then Blood (Part 17)

Aside from their new third. The night went rather similarly to how it normally would, Uzi had brought over several more movies for them to go through over the next few days. Pretty much resigning herself into cooping herself up in N's apartment while she was playing the part of Tera's live in nanny.

And currently, they were trying to choose which one to start with, N digging around the pile of disks as she laid with Tera, keeping the little one curled slightly under her arm so that there would be no more rolling away.

“N oh my robo-god just choose!” She laughed in faux irritation, not loud enough to wake the baby but definitely loud enough for N to pout back at her.

“But all of these are scary!” He pointed out, lifting up several of the boxes to reveal the graphic covers, Uzi just giggled mischievously.

“Dude we deal with way scarier stuff. Nothing compares to centipede J.” She replied, rolling her eyes at his second pout, adjusting the charge cord still sticking out of her like it would make any difference in her comfort.

“I guess…” He picked the one that had the least terrifying cover and popped it into the player, watching as the beginning credits zipped across the screen.

“What one did you pick?” She asked, head tilting to the side, small smile on her face.

“Uh… I didn't look at the title, just the cover.”

“Oooh~ Roulette.”

He didn't quite like the sound of that… were all of these the same level of terrifying? Was it like a “choose how you want to get traumatized” thing?

He settled onto the couch, holding his tail in his hands as Uzi focused entirely on the screen, well, her eyes were focused on the screen, the other hand was subconsciously petting the droneling snuggled next to her, still solidly in sleep mode.

Still being amazing at this, without even trying.

As the movie started the tension that had settled over N slowly unwound, this was… fine. A little creepy sure, but Uzi was right, it was tame in comparison to the genuine terror they'd already experienced, although the stakes being your life instead of a passive observer probably helped.

“Where… are they going? Why are they separating off from the rest of the group?” He asked as the main couple snuck off together, hand in hand, as one of the other characters was explaining that they should probably stick together, because something creepy was going on.

“To make out.” Uzi smirked, literally all these horror movies were exactly the same, teenagers were dumb… even in real life.

“Now?!” He asked incredulously, the entire group had just witnessed movement outside the house they were staying in, and they decide to leave? To kiss?

“Love is always the best decision.” She quoted him, and he felt his own words come slapping him in the face, that had felt so long ago now…

“That was an entirely different scenario, that was romantic, this- this is dumb.” He defended, watching as the couple went outside their relatively safe cabin leaving it unlocked so they could get back in. And went off into the woods in the middle of the night.

“They deserve this.” He mumbled to himself, and he half meant it, not only were they dumb, but complete assholes to the rest of their “freinds” that were totally going to get murdered.

Uzi cackled at his reaction, trying to muffled it after Tera stirred, thankfully she didn't wake up.

“Honestly yeah…” Uzi admitted watching as the camera followed the couple through the forest, the undergrowth getting deeper, darker, and way more thick around them, not that they seemed to notice.

“Immoral makeout sesh. Check.” Uzi hummed and N just shook his head.

“Seriously, what's so great about it that it's seen as this important? Rebecca and Darren did this too…” He was honestly talking more to himself then to Uzi, but once he realized he was referencing camp. He shut his mouth instantly.

“Oh I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to bring… that up.”

“It's fine.” She still had a smile on her face, and it wasn't a forced one; he knew what that looked like. It was a little pained, but it looked like she wasn't so effected by it anymore.

“Some people get turned on by danger?” She suggested, breezing right past whatever perceived mistake he'd made and barreling right into a dumb joke.

“Uzi!” He found himself blushing at her crass, even if it was such an Uzi thing to say, he hadn't expected it to come out of her mouth, she laughed a little at him.

“I mean, look at them, don't they need air?” Uzi brought his attention back to the screen, where the couple was noisely sucking face, hands going way too fast but going to places he didn't want to see.

He immediately ripped his head away from the screen. Watching drones make out was one thing (he'd went past a few couples the longer he spent in the bunker.) But watching humans had another level of uncanny valley, especially since his only real experience with them was Tessa. And her parents, but they were less pleasant to think about.

“Ew.” He found himself saying, which was surprising even for him because usually he was into romance, but right now all he felt disgusted.

“Really? You're grossed out? Damn I am rubbing off on you.” She laughed again, but blessedly fast forwarded it to when they finally stopped (which was ten whole minutes later, why was that necessary to include?!)

“It's not even that, it normally wouldn't bother me. I mean, I'm… a romantic.” He started, doing his best to phrase it in a way that didn't imply anything.

“A helpless romantic.” She corrected, shit eating grin and all, he felt his visor heat up again, yes he was, for her and her smart mouth.

“As I was saying, I've seen drones kiss before, that doesn't bother me. But I just fell like I don't wanna see… that? I dunno.”

He didn't want to see what should be private between two people? Maybe, would he feel the same way if it was him and someone else? Immediately, his processors betrayed him, serving him a hot and piping thought of Uzi up against a tree, hot breath leaving her, and him leaving a trail of kisses down her neck-

He shook his head so hard he could almost hear it rattle. That was not where his brain needed to go right now, in fact he needed to get far far away from that line of thinking pronto. He willed his furious blush away, wishing he could focus on the actual movie like Uzi was doing.

Uzi wasn't too focused on the movie either, instead she was having a private little daydream about pushing N up against a tree and kissing his cute little golden face until he was breathless. Thankfully she was stone faced, so long as she didn't look at him she wouldn't fluster, but that had taken some practice to reign in. Practice, because at this point thoughts like that were so common that she'd overheat constantly if she blushed at all of them.

Thankfully for N the rest of the movie pushed it out of his mind. Not because it suddenly became scary. Humans being chopped to bits with a meat cleaver was a lot less terrifying when you weren't human and you thought the entire cast was stupid. No, but it did become funny.

To make fun of.

The effects were laughably terrible, the killers mask was crooked the entire time, and, intentional or not, it destroyed any intimidating factor he had, since it looked more and more like a grown ass man in a bad Halloween costume.

It didn't help thar the voice acting was equally as bad, sounding sarcastic at best “Oh no don't kill meeeee.” And straight up bad at worse, some of the delivery was so off N had to rewind to even catch what they said.

“This movie is terrible.”

“This movie is laughably terrible.” She corrected him again, and he shot her a look that made her dissolve into laughter again.

He supposed she was right in that regard, they were making fun of it, and he no longer feared being scared tonight. Heck if all the movies were like this he wasn't fearful of ever being scared by them.

“Are all of them like this?” He asked, relaxing back into the couch with a sigh as he watched a teenage boy get decapitated, huh, he knew how that felt, ow.

“Only my favorite ones!” Uzi replied, laughing as one of the girls conveniently tripped over… something, her own stupidity most likely. Giving the killer time to catch up.

That didn't surprise him in the least, she was the one who wanted to go to earth and wipe out all the humans, so that tracked.

Still she kept trying to adjust, the cord seemed to be getting more and more uncomfortable the longer she laid.

“You good?” He asked as the movie began to wind down, the final girl setting a trap for the killer, to finish him off for good.

“I'm fine. Just… not used to having a baby attached to me. I can't get comfortable.” She admitted, crossing her arms awkwardly. N just smiled, and without thinking spread his arms to invite her to join him on his side of the couch.

She hesitated, before this there had always been some sort of plausible reason for them to end up in close proximity, weather it just be the size of what they were on or a traumatic event. Now though, there was no pretense. He was asking to be close because he wanted her close.

If she was looking for hints he might feel the same. This was her biggest one.

She did accept, crawling over to his lap where she could lean against his chest, she slotted perfectly there, tucked underneath his chin as she adjusted Tera again, only this time, N took her into his arms, removing the tension from her side almost entirely.

“Better?” He willed his voice to not crack like he was five, he hadn't meant for this to happen, he'd just… done it. Subconsciously. And now he was having to quell his feverishly humming core due to his own dumb actions.

“Heck yes… didn't realize how much she was pulling on me.” Her tension released immediately, and once again she found herself soothed by his ambient warmth, and his core humming underneath her. The movies credits had just begun to roll, that was fine, she'd seen it before.

“Maybe we can get you a baby bag or something, so she's not hanging off you and you don't have to carry her?” He suggested, and while on one hand that sounded *great*, and appealed directly to the “problem = solution” portion of her brain, it also made her fluster.

It would feel much more official then, that she was a parent as much as he was, it had been a feeling she'd been ignoring, starting from whenever they'd first seen Tera and growing every day since then. That this pillbaby, this… fragile thing. Was hers.

That she was a mom. And N was a dad.

And that thought made her giddy and flustered and scared. Best freinds don't typically adopt children together, even her very limited experience of friendship could tell her that.

"Uh... maybe..."

Their relationship right now was… complicated. They weren't together, neither of them had said anything or addressed it, but she did know that they were too close and their lives too intertwined to still just be calling it “freindship.”

And yet she was, and so was he. Because what else would either of them call it? She still couldn't completely prove he felt the same way! He'd been closer… more touchy. But that was kinda just N! "Boundaries" was not a word in his dictionary.

But here they were, cuddling, looking like a happy couple that had just brought their newborn home. She looked at them through the reflection of the now blank television.

N looked happy, extremely happy, eyes closed and holding both her and Tera close to his chest like they'd both slip through his fingers somehow, his tail was slowly wrapping itself around her leg, almost like it was trying to sneak up on her.

But her biggest hint? The thing that made her core flip when she realized? He was purring.

It was so soft it was almost impossible to hear. But she could feel it, the soft rhythmic vibrations that poured out of his core presumably without his knowledge. If he'd done it before she'd become… this. Then maybe it wouldn't have tipped her off so much. But now…

She had a purr too, another change made by the solver to her body to make her more like a disassembly drone, and her purr had only ever triggered when she was thinking about N, specifically how much she loved him.

While she was sure N's would be less specific in what and who triggered it, it something reserved for love. And considering she'd never heard it before, she could decern that it wasn't just something N just did.

Which meant it was her that was triggering it, or her and Tera together that was.

She felt a blush work it's way to her face as she looked up into N's visor, even though his eyes were closed, she knew he could still see her with his visor, and had probably been watching her the entire time.

So she just smiled, and curled herself into him. Hiding her face just in case she got flustered.

N liked her, and she finally had her proof.

Next ->

[txtaetertots]

HOPELESSLY DEVOTED 62: the last curtain call

[ synopsis ] you’re trying to get into your dream school. beomgyu’s just trying to pass a class. the only way to ensure you both get what you want is to work together. very closely.

taglist (CLOSED): @heyanonymous123 @flrtsbin @anonella22 @chocorenchin @gyuszie @flowerbe0m @kaikamalover @n034sy @iactaid @suzirumas @pupkashi @choi-beomgyulvr @hearts4hanni @naveries @wccycc @wonioml @burminq @a55hie @wildesreblogs @kaewonie @online--princess @alixox @minkyungseokie @moa4lifeee @yeehawnana @peakaboostuff @txtistheloml @sieuneo @weyrrii @cookiehaos @vianna99 @akari-saka13 @crystal-jellies @veryjeongintxtkid @reiloml @mystiicturtle @sirpoopsalot @certifiedmoa @l0ve-joy @woncheecks @hellohuening @rainbowszi @yeonie137 @neoculturewhat @solstramaii @tocupid @cha0thicpisces @koeuh @iwaplant @lemons4u

Just as quickly as the spring production started, it came to an abrupt, deafening close. The cast and senior crew members lined the stage for their final bow, bathing in the cheers from their friends, family, and peers. Their last high school show truly encapsulated the dramatics, making it one to never forget. Some found it amusing while others found it rather traumatizing. It all depended on which end of the fire they were on, and YN found herself in the unique position of being in the center of it all.

Her ears were ringing, her body stiff and cold with sweat. YN couldn’t enjoy her last production because of how high the stakes were from the very start. It was bittersweet. She smiled brightly once more before taking a step forward and basking in the spotlight, relishing the moment while it lasted.

Drama club was the highlight of YN’s high school years. Despite the constant head-butting with Ahn Soojung or the tears she spent over learning her parts and attending every rehearsal while maintaining a top 20 academic performance. Drama club meant everything to her. It’s where she met some of her lifelong friends. It’s where she met the boy of her dreams. It was hard at times to persevere, but she wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Although her senior production was made difficult from the very beginning, she loved it for what it gave her. She didn’t think there was anything left for drama club to teach her after four years, but of course, it always knew how to surprise her. This was the year she learned what it meant to be courageous and fight for her honor. This was the year she learned to embrace spontaneity and open her heart.

YN stepped back, joining the rest of her cast mates once more, and watched the curtains of her high school stage close for the last time. As soon as the gap was dimmed, she felt herself suddenly lifted by her waist and immediately brought into a tight hug—a hug she recognized far too well as one of Beomgyu’s tender bear hugs.

Beomgyu beamed as he looked down at the smile on YN’s face, hands resting at her waist holding her close. Despite the chaos behind them—people crying, celebrating, hugging, running backstage, etc.—Beomgyu could only focus on YN’s glassy eyes and the feeling of her heart beating roughly against her back.

“I’m so proud of you,” he said softly, gazing into her eyes and watching how they smiled with the curve of her lips. “You worked so hard for this show and were so amazing from beginning to end.”

YN crashed herself into Beomgyu’s chest, tightening her arms around his waist. Her throat felt tight, trying to suppress the tears threatening to fall. The emotions were overwhelming, too many at once to process. Happiness from completing her final high school show, but also sadness from realizing it was all over. Relief over surviving the hell course since auditions, but disappointment remembering all the memories she’s been able to create with Beomgyu during the season stop here. But, it doesn’t mean they can’t make more in other sectors of life…

“Ahem,” Someone cleared their throat, trying to catch the couple’s attention.

YN and Beomgyu separated from each other, looking to the source of the sound and immediately lunging toward the familiar figure before them.

“Yeonjun!” They exclaimed, pulling the startled boy into their arms and squeezing him like they’d been reunited at last after years apart.

Yeonjun couldn’t hold back his grin, happily accepting the overwhelming amount of affection that he knew he would receive from the others as well. Once they stepped back, giving him his space once more, Yeonjun held out the now slightly crushed bouquet of flowers for YN to take.

“I wanted to congratulate you on a great performance this week,” he said softly, hands awkwardly stuffing into his pockets. “I also wanted to apologize for being kind of a dick lately. I caused a lot of distress, especially for you, Beomgyu, and I want you to know I’m really sorry.”

Beomgyu shook his head, immediately pulling Yeonjun back in for a tight hug. “We already went over this, hyung. It wasn’t all your fault.”

“Yeah, but,” Yeonjun tightened his grip, “I still hurt you.”

“You did,” Beomgyu sighed. “But, I forgive you. I wish you could forgive yourself, too.”

“Eventually,” Yeonjun said, giving Beomgyu a smile of reassurance. “But for now, I’m just gonna wallow until I make it up to you guys.”

“YEONJUN?!”

Yeonjun whipped his body around, startled by the sudden high-pitched call. Before he could even scan the room, he was hit by what felt like a truck and stumbled back onto the ground. Two pairs of arms wrapped themselves around him, pinning him down and practically suffocating him. It took a minute for him to process who it was, but as soon as it dawned on him, he returned the hugs tenfold. He laughed noticing the fake crying Taehyun and Kai were doing as they latched themselves onto him like they used to when they were kids.

“I thought you hated us,” Kai confessed.

“I could never hate you guys,” Yeonjun reassured. “I’m sorry, I just needed to process stuff on my own for a bit.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Taehyun said. “We understand. We’re just glad you’re better now.”

YN stood smiling, watching the boys catch up and finally reconcile. She was brought out of her thoughts by a sudden pat on her shoulder. She turned her head and met with their drama club teacher, Mr. Kim. He smiled, asking her to follow him to his office. YN obliged, glancing over at Beomgyu briefly before walking with Mr. Kim. Beomgyu noticed them walking away together and felt his chest tighten. Could this be the moment they’ve been waiting for?

Her ears felt like they were pounding every step she took, trailing behind Mr. Kim’s quick strides. YN felt like she knew what this was about. It was a gut feeling, though she couldn’t deny this feeling too soon to find out the final decision.

YN carefully closed the door behind her as Mr. Kim made his way behind his desk and quickly logged on to his computer. YN sat down across from his desk, hands clasped in her lap as she took deep breaths to calm the unsettled nerves and throbbing sensation along her temples.

“I’m sure you know why I called you in, right?” Mr. Kim broke the silence, waiting for the login screen to finish buffering.

“The NYU decision?” YN said, voice filled with uncertainty.

“That and one other thing.”

YN furrowed her brows; what else could they need to talk about?

“We never got a chance to talk about what happened opening night,” Mr. Kim sighed.

“Oh,” YN’s shoulders tensed, causing her to shrink in her seat. “Shouldn’t… Soojung be here, too?”

“I’ve already talked to Soojung separately,” Mr. Kim cleared. “Considering the tension surrounding this situation, I thought it would be best to keep you two apart for the foreseeable future.”

“Can I ask what was said when you talked?” YN asked, eyes widened.

“I didn’t have to say much,” Mr. Kim leaned back in his chair. “Soojung decided to confess everything she had done that led up to this mess. In fact, she took full responsibility for what happened on opening night and for Yeonjun’s sudden departure.”

“She did?” YN was shocked, it wasn’t like Soojung to just give up and admit defeat like this, especially to Mr. Kim directly, considering the authority he had over her future in this situation.

“I know Soojung can be a handful,” Mr. Kim sighed, fiddling with his mouse searching for a specific window on his computer screen. “I’m not completely oblivious to what goes on amongst my students, you know? I hear things. I see things. I know things.”

Click. Click. Click.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Kim,” YN exasperated. “We should’ve gone to you for help as soon as we found out what was happening. We didn’t mean for things to spiral the way they did that night.”

Mr. Kim held up a hand, asking YN to settle down.

“I’m not going to punish you, YN,” he reassured. “You’re teenagers. I expect you to act like teenagers, and what you did was exactly what a group of stubborn teenagers would do. It’s not my place to tell you whether what you did was the right thing, as long as you feel like what you chose to do was the best thing you could’ve done with the situation you were dealt. I’m a strong believer in letting my students fight their own battles until they feel they’ve fought enough.”

He sighed, “I’m just glad no one got hurt. At least physically. I just hope you’ve all learned and grown from this.”

“What about Soojung?”

“You let me worry about Soojung,” Mr. Kim said, turning his computer screen to face YN. “You have other things to worry about.”

YN glanced over to the screen. Mr. Kim’s email was open, displaying his most recently received file—a letter from NYU.

“I thought they were going to send me an email directly?” YN froze, heart racing faster than the speed of light. She felt the pit of her stomach begin to churn, immediately expecting the worst as she stared blankly at the lengthy email on the screen.

“When two students from the same program are competing for a single opening, it’s their program director who receives and delivers the news,” Mr. Kim explained. “Soojung already got the news. Now, it’s your turn. Read the page, YN.”

YN felt her eyes well up with tears as she hesitated to begin:

Hello, Mr. Kim,

The NYU Tisch admissions board representatives were more than impressed by the stellar talent present in your drama department. We came to observe two students but were blown away by every performer we had the pleasure of watching. YLN YN and Ahn Soojung displayed an impressive range that reached far beyond their years. Both girls are riddled with talent and have bright futures in the world of performance arts. Unfortunately, due to the circumstances, we can only offer one student admission to the upcoming fall semester at NYU Tisch. The student we chose demonstrated a caliber of excellence and maturity that shined brighter than anyone we saw on that stage. Her charisma and passion captured our attention and kept us deeply engaged with her character until her final bow. It is with great pleasure and enthusiasm that we offer Ms. YLN YN the final opening at NYU Tisch for the coming Fall 20XX semester. We are looking forward to working with her in the years to come…

YN’s eyes widened, and she immediately looked over at Mr. Kim, who was grinning from ear to ear.

“I got in?!”

“Congratulations, YN. I’m extremely proud of you,” Mr. Kim smiled, standing up and holding out his hand.

YN jumped up from her seat, grabbing a hold of Mr. Kim’s hands and tightly squeezed them between her own. “Mr. Kim, I couldn’t have done this without your years of guidance. Thank you so much! How could I ever repay you?!”

“Let’s say tickets to your first Broadway production will call it even,” he smiled.

YN nodded in agreement, filled with joy and much-needed relief. It was over. And in the end, she seemingly won this multi-year feud with Ahn Soojung. She reigned victorious. Yet, it somehow felt far from being officially over. There was still more that needed to be done before she could finally appreciate the long-awaited peace. This was just one piece of her future finally falling into place.

[ note ] this took forever and a half to write up and it’s not even long bye see you tomorrow 💀

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[badaziraphaletakes]

I have no funny meme or gif for this one.

The "Aziraphale needs to see the circumstances around Crowley's fall in order to see what heaven really is and that's going to be what causes him to break away" take really, really bothers me. For a multiple reasons.

The first is because Aziraphale is already miserable and TERRIFIED of heaven. I am sick and tired of the expectation that he deserves to have some kind of (further) shattering emotional crisis about them. They've made him miserable for hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of years. They've kept him separate from the love of his live. He deserves for them to leave him alone. Not to be further traumatized by finding out more upsetting things. The reason he hasn't "broken away" from them isn't because he "needs to figure out that they're evil" or something like that. It's because they are too powerful and he knows how terrifying and awful they are and that they will do very, very awful things to him if he tries to rebel. The problem isn't Aziraphale's mindset. It's them. It's them. It's them. Period.

Our angel has been through f*cking ENOUGH. He does not deserve to suffer more. He does not need to be tormented more in order to somehow magically be transformed a good person. (Enough, please, with the takes that trauma builds character. That's bullsh*t.)

Please, PLEASE don't forget that all the things he says about heaven being good are said WHERE HEAVEN CAN HEAR HIM. They are effectively omnipresent.

Aziraphale doesn't need to "break away" - Heaven needs to leave him alone. Period. They're the wrongdoers in this situation, not him.

The second reason I hate, hate, hate this take is because we don't know whether Crowley wants Aziraphale to know about his fall. YOU DON'T ALWAYS WANT THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR TRAUMAS. And that does NOT indicate a lack of trust or a flaw in the relationship. It is FINE not to ever want to tell people you love about certain sh*tty things that happen to you. This is very normal and okay.

I can think of multiple separate instances of this in my own family.

My dad never told me or my mom about the things he experienced during war. Not in detail. What would be the point? It wouldn't make him feel better, and we wouldn't really understand, because we haven't experienced that. It would just upset everyone.

I never told my family I was sexually assaulted. Most survivors don't tell many people about the experience, including people close to them. Why the hell would I????? It would just make them miserable and it wouldn't make me feel better. Sharing things like that doesn't always help. I only talk about it with people who've been through the same thing.

If Crowley hasn't talked to Aziraphale about his fall and doesn't want him to know how bad it was, I say good for them both. Leave it there. I would feel very violated if Aziraphale found out inadvertently (or worse, went snooping - although I don't think he would do that, but I digress) about something Crowley didn't want him to know about, and the show presented it as something that "needed to happen". That's messed-up. We shouldn't go prying into people's traumas like that. (Besides, Aziraphale is already very aware of how lonely and depressed Crowley is. He knows Crowley didn't want to fall. He knows he's upset about it.) If Crowley is keeping it from Aziraphale, that is his prerogative. It is a completely valid choice that needs to be respected. It doesn't necessarily mean he made that choice out of some misguided notion of "protecting" Aziraphale. It could very well just mean he doesn't see the point in telling him something that would probably just make them both miserable.

I am not here for the trauma of Crowley's fall being weaponized as some kind of teaching tool to make Aziraphale "learn his lesson". (Especially if Crowley's not the one to tell him.) That's sick. It's cruel for them both. It would in all likelihood not be good for their relationship.

Ehh I feel like there's more I could say on this but I'm getting too emotional to be coherent so I'm just going to leave it there.

Thanks for reading, friends.