#although the topic is mainly on depression

[theshadowrealmitself]

Was thinking about how one of the reasons why Humans would be so unsettled by Vulcans claiming they don’t have emotions (because I’m constantly trying to make the fact that Vulcan and Earth aren’t best friends which they fucking should be make sense in my head) is because one of the reasons why a Human wouldn’t feel emotions is because of depression, they’d just feel that numbness at times

And that really gave me pause, because I think about that a lot, but a new thought came from it, what would,,, how would.. what does.,.. what the fuck does depression feel like for a Vulcan

Like if there are Vulcans full on purging their emotions then it makes sense to assume that that wouldn’t want to make them kill themselves, so that’s probably not what depression feels like for them, so what does it feel like??

[shdysders]

the fallout

pairing: jenna ortega & female reader

summary: in which you and jenna unexpectedly run into each other after a long complicated time, which makes things take a big turn for you.

word count: 4.8k

warnings: 18+ heavy topics; depression, suicide, unhealthy weight loss.

authors note: my longest imagine so far, but also the darkest one i would say. please tell me if it’s too confusing bc i feel like it might be. the ending is a little rushed, so tell me if you have any questions about it.

The weird thing about relationships is that they have a way of defying expectations. Just when you think you have it all figured out, love throws you a curveball, leaving you both bewildered and amazed. Especially when you're in a relationship that's all out in the public, everybody knows about it and is all up in your business. Not that any of that mattered if were deeply in love.

Although the lack of privacy and a judgmental crowd could ruin som parts of it, you wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Your girlfriend Jenna, was everything you had ever wanted, not because of the fame, nor the money, but because she was the epitome of your dreams. She embodied everything you had ever hoped for, ever since you were a little girl.

When the news about the it-girl's new girlfriend got out, the whole media was astonished. The movie star had never shown any interest towards girls publicly, or any romantic feelings at all for that matter.

After the surprising information about your relationship with Jenna, you guys quickly became a huge favorite among the fans and admirers, known for being the biggest love-birds on the internet. Every paparazzi picture that was ever taken of the two of you contained heart eyes full of admiration while the two of you looked at each other.

Everyone made it their goal in life to find love like the two of you had.

The life in the spotlight was a whole new experience for you. You had no clue about what it was going to be like til you got pushed into it in one day. But you didn't complain, thanks to the relationship with your girlfriend your dreams of becoming a musician came true, and before you knew it; you were known as one of the biggest rising stars in the music industry.

To say your life was complicated would've been an understatement.  Considering both of you had very different careers, you guys barely made as much time for each other as you did before.

Jenna was barely home due all of the big jobs and interviews she was assigned for, which obviously hurt your relationship more than it should've. It felt like every moment she got the chance to be home with you, was about her being filled with anger and stress; taking it out on nobody else but you.

In other words the American 'it couple' wasn't as perfect as the public thought, they had painted up these perfect expectations that they were sure you guys lived up to, and that was one of the main reasons on why the media was aghast when the news about the thing leaked out.

The break up.

The separation shocked the whole audience, mainly fans that had followed you guys since the beginning, but also people that barely knew who you were. Everything happened so unexpectedly, nobody could ever see it coming.

For some reason, the break up almost became more known than the time you were actually together. Mainly because news leak out rather quickly, but also because nobody could figure out the reason for it, and Jenna's ignorance did not help when it came to solving the mystery.

Only one week after the incident Jenna was back at set, doing interviews and events, acting like nothing had changed. Which the media found extremely strange, some people even thought the break up didn't happen at all.

They didn't have much information about the reason for the break up, only a discreetly taken paparazzi picture of you leaving Jenna's apartment in full on tears; that was quickly leaked on the internet with all sorts of captions and headlines.

That was the last picture the paparazzi could ever take of you before you disappeared from the spotlight completely. Nobody knew why, not even you.

The day Jenna broke up with you, was the day your whole life fell apart. She was everything you had, due your parents always being neglecting or gone for work trips. Jenna was the only thing you were living for. That's why you went home that day, and barely went anywhere else.

You wallowed in your small apartment for days, eventually the days turned into weeks, the weeks turned into months, and the months turned into years. You would go a long amount of time without eating or drinking, and you couldn't remember the last time you had gotten a proper night sleep or eaten a full meal.

This was a big deal for the media, what could've possibly happened that made the next rising music star disappear completely? Some people actually thought that you and Jenna didn't break up at all, just that you decided to keep it private.

Some tried to convince the public that maybe the singing career wasn't for you and that you might've just started working as something else, but nobody believed that considering the fact that Jenna had said you looked happier than she had ever seen you when you were on stage. Well, that was in an interview when the two of you were still together. Nowadays you could never catch the actress talking about you.

It was never revealed why the separation happened or who was responsible for it. The only people knowing about being you, Jenna, and your families.

Jenna had broken up with you just a few weeks before your birthday. She claimed that both of you had completely different goals in life, that you were heading in different directions and we're holding each other back. You tried convincing her that all you would ever want in life was her, even if it meant dropping everything you had. But it didn't work.

After hours of pleading and crying, Jenna had instructed for you to go home. To your "home" that in your mind wasn't nearly close to a home, it wasn't somewhere you wanted to be. You wanted to be with her, in her apartment, like it had always been.

That's when the photos were taken of you, but the tears in your eyes and panic feeling in your throat stopped you from noticing. So did your depression from seeing the news and articles about you.

Time passed, and you still didn't get better. You didn't try to get better either, seeing no point if your future wasn't with who you wanted to. You tried telling yourself that you would wait for her to come around, she would realize how much you belonged together and would eventually come back to you. That was worth living for. The only thing worth living for.

Since the depression made time feel like it just flew by, you weren't really surprised when already two and a half years had passed since the break up, and the more days that passed, you were starting to doubt that Jenna was ever gonna come back.

In your mind, Jenna was thinking about you every day, trying to find the right way to come back to you, but whether it was true or just your brain trying to start a war with you, you didn't know, nor care.

But what you also didn't know; due to the lack of time you spent checking the news or social media. Jenna's life had changed way more than you thought and imagined.

She had met someone new.

***

Walking down the busy streets of New York was basically a part time job while living there. Jenna was an expert about it if anyone, and in her state right now, it was even tougher to make it through, like an intense workout.

Finally making it to one of the calmer streets, she made sure to catch a breath; like the doctor had told her if anything felt too heavy while moving, she was carrying extra pressure after all.

Walking through the city, carefully sneaking glances into the shops she passed, curious to see who was in the different areas today.

After for what felt like hours she finally made it to the library, where she was supposed to borrow some books for herself to keep her entertained for all the following weeks were she supposed she would just lay at home, waiting for something to happen with the growing thing inside of her.

The bell above the door greeted her with a ring as she opened the door, the librarian giving her a small smile before going back to her work at the front desk.

Jenna returned a small smile, trying her hardest not to let out a loud sigh from all the walking as she held her stomach, her footsteps making the carpeted wooden floor creak as she walked.

The library looked fully empty, it usually was considering it was a pretty small one, not one of the best looking either; smelled like dust and looked like it was something from the early 2000s. But it was her favorite one, it always had the books she was looking for available.

Looking through the different shelves, trying to find the right one she was looking for, letting out a few grunts when she had been standing still for too long, flipping through the books. She heard a creek of the floor coming from the other side of the 'corridor' in the small library. 

Carefully directing her head towards the sound, she noticed a slim figure standing there, delicately flipping through the pages of a book in her hands.

A recognizable feeling ran through Jenna's body as she watched the person. The hair gracefully draping over the shoulders, exuding an aura of elegance and charm, as if it were a scene from a captivating book.  

But when she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, revealing her side profile and the wide eyes curiously scanning the text on the pages of the book. Jenna's eyes could process who it was, and the sight made her throat feel thick and cold sweat beginning to form on her body. Despised that, she still couldn't stop herself when she walked forward, calling your name.

"Y/n?" Her voice creaked out.

The voice calling your name quickly made your head turn to where she was situated. And when your eyes met hers, you could swear you felt your heart finding a place in your stomach. She looked just as the day she broke you, although her face was a little bit more swollen than the last time.

You wanted to smile, you wanted to hug her and tell her how much you had missed her. But your body didn't move. Did she search you up? Did she come here to take you back?

Your eyes were filled with admiration as you inspected Jenna's face. You couldn't say the same for her eyes, they were filled with worry and was scanning your whole body.

You barely looked like yourself. Your eyes that was once bright and full of life, was now replaced with tired ones with a red waterline, the wrinkles that used to be visible under your eyes from smiling so much, was now replaced by dark eye bags that told her that you hadn't slept for ages.

Your body didn't look the same either, the clothes you were wearing practically swallowed you whole, your face had sunken a huge amount and the exposed part of your collarbone showed that you had lost a ton of weight.

"Jenna..Hi." You almost shuttered out, unsurely moving your hands to put them in the front pockets of your pants.

She tried pushing the worry of your current state to the side as she tried to start a conversation with you. "Hi.." She smiled, noticing that you were trying so hardly to smile back at her.

"It's been so long, I– It's so nice to see you again." Jenna spoke almost eagerly, being quick to break the silence that tried to sneak through the two of you; knowing that silence was not something you loved as much as she did.

"How have you been doing?" She added to the conversation, when she in reality should've walked away the second she saw you. But she just couldn't, you had always had the ability to get her captivated by you, no matter what the situation was.

You swallowed thickly, trying your hardest to get your voice to sound normal. "Fine.." You spoke lowly, nodding a little receiving a small nod from her as well.

"Great, actually." You tried again, wanting to sound more confident this time. Because maybe there was a bigger chance she would take you back if she knew you were doing good.

"Yeah?" Jenna nodded bigger this time, smile growing bigger on her face. "What about the music? How's that going?" She asked carefully, hoping to receive that sparkle in your eye that she would see every time you got the chance to talk about your music.

But who was she trying to fool? She knew exactly what had been going on with you. She knew you weren't playing anymore, that nobody had seen you ever since your last concert almost three years ago.

Jenna would be lying if she said she never searched your name up incase there had been any news about you, because she did it every day.

She had been trying to text you a few weeks after the blow out, even trying to wish you a happy birthday when the day arrived. But she was never surprised to see that you hadn't answered any of the text messages she had written whenever she had the time.

And sure, the guilt was getting to her, basically everyone knew that the reason for your downfall was her, her mainly or her only, it didn't matter. Knowing that she might've been the reason you looked like this, made her heart fill up with a deep ache.

Her thoughts came to a quit when she noticed you ashamedly directed your head down, finding your shoes interesting. But Jenna didn't stop, she wanted to see that spark so badly that her mouth moved faster than she could process.

"Y–you're gonna have to tell me of you're having having a concert or something... It would be so much fun to see you again." Jenna spoke, the words falling out of her mouth before she had the chance to think them through.

You were now looking at her again, a mix of emotions painted on your face. But Jenna could see the forced smile that made its way up on your face.

But you were starting to grow impatient. Did she come here to take you back or not? That's why you softly tried to ask her the question you so badly wanted her to ask.

"Would you like to grab a coffee some day?" You felt your heartbeat quicken at your own words, even more when you saw her face lit up with a smile.

But the sentence meant totally different things for the two of you. For you it was a date, but for Jenna it was a friendly request, basically telling her you wanted to keep going as friends.

"Yeah I–I'd love that.." She nodded, almost laughing while talking, making her stomach feel heavier than before, which made her caress it carefully with one of her hands.

And then it came, the sparkle in your eyes she so desperately wanted to see again. It appeared in your eyes for a split second, making her breath hitch as she carefully watched you with a smile.

But your happy expression with sparkles in your eyes was quickly exchanged with a crushed one when your gaze followed down to where Jenna's hand was placed. Tears almost immediately filling your eyes as you looked down at the bump on Jenna's stomach, along with the diamond placed on her ring finger.

Jenna immediately noticed your change of emotions, almost feeling ashamed as she watched your breathing stop for a split second. She bit her lip nervously, trying to figure out your next move.

"I–I uhm.. I have to get home." You hurried out, quickly wiping your eyes before the tears had a chance to fall. 

Jenna could feel her mouth open trying to say something, but nothing came out. She sadly watched as you quickly walked away from her and out of the library, making herself feel like she made a mistake by even walking up to you.

She didn't know you weren't aware of her pregnancy, because she thought you did, technically everyone knew about it. The whole world was in shock when the news about the pregnancy of the new it girl came out; posting it everywhere as soon as it was revealed.

But what Jenna didn't know was that you had deleted all social media platforms from all of your devices, not taking any chances of seeing fake news about yourself or headlines about Jenna being happier than ever; when you were about to let your bed swallow you whole.

You couldn't hear Jennas voice calling your name when you hurried out the store. The high pitched beep and the loud voices in your head taking over your thoughts.

She didn't come to take you back, she didn't plan to find you at all. She doesn't want you back in her life, she's moved on. She didn't think about you every day, she had someone else to think about now.

Your legs were moving so rapidly that you could barely feel them, the tears in your eyes refused to fall no matter how close to the edge they got. You didn't blink, you didn't think, nothing was worth it.

The quick steps turned into slow ones as the thoughts disappeared from your mind. Now that you got the confirmation about the things you prayed weren't true. There was nothing to live for.

If you were going to live a future without the person you had thought about for three years straight, there was no point.

***

The day at the library had been clouding Jenna's mind for two days straight, never leaving her alone no matter how hard she tried.

She couldn't stop thinking about your crushed face; that she could only see for a second before you rushed away. It reminded her way too much of the face you wore when she ended things between the two of you; the face that she had nightmares of for months.

She had tried to leave messages and calls to your number; she wanted to talk things out. She wanted to still know you, and based on the person she saw a few days before, she couldn't anticipate how difficult that process would be.

She didn't know who you were anymore, and the pain of not knowing the person that was once the most important individual in her life was eating her alive. She weren't in your life anymore, so that's why she was surprised to see your mother's name and number appear on her phone screen.

Both hesitation and worry filled her veins as she answered the call from your mother. You had never had a close relationship to your parents; they were gone for work trips the majority of your childhood.

Jenna tried to greet the woman on the phone, but quickly shut her eyes in embarrassment as she heard how shaky and questioning her voice sounded.

But your mom didn't seem to notice. "Jenna! Hi.." she sighed out of relief. Jenna could almost hear her sniffling on the other line, making her brows furrow out of confusion. "How have you been?"

"I've been great.." Jenna answered, uncertainty lacing her voice, "Sorry what is this about?" She tried to cancel the dry talking, feeling her worry growing bigger every second that passed.

"Oh yes of course.. sorry." She sniffled again, making the concern in Jenna only growing stronger.

"I uhm, I'm calling to say that..." Your mother paused, like the words that were about to come out of her mouth were poison. "Y/n is no longer with us.." She finished, a muffled sob leaving her mouth.

Jenna felt like her heart took a plunge, sinking into the depths of her being. "What?" She managed to breath out.

"She killed herself last night.." Your mothers shaky voice explained, followed by quiet sobs.

The whole world felt like it stopped. And for a second, Jenna could almost hear your laugh fill her eardrums, your smell filling her nostrils, your smile filling her eyes and your touch roaming her body.

This couldn't be true, there was no way. She was just about to make things right with you.

Jenna couldn't find her voice, it was like it had fallen the same path as her heart. Her mouth opening but nothing coming out, mind only focusing on you.

You, you radiated joy like a sunbeam, brightening everyone's day with your infectious laughter. Your magnetic personality pulled people in without hesitation, like a bees to a field of blooming flowers. Your heart was full of sunshine that spread warmth and happiness wherever you went. Your effervescent spirit bubbled over, filling every room with laughter. People were drawn to you like a moth to a flame, captivated by your vibrant and lively presence. And now you were gone.

The person she saw at the library just days before, was nothing like the person she once knew you as. She didn't know what destroyed you like that, but something did, and she felt the need to know what.

***

Jenna stared at the steam that was flying from the big coffee mug. She felt as if she was teetering on the edge of sleep, her eyelids heavy and her body yearning for rest.

She didn't get a single wink of rest that night, tossing and turning throughout the whole hours of darkness.

The tiredness was quick to disappear when she heard the sound of the bell ringing, signalizing that somebody walked in. She rapidly turned around to check who it was, careful not to make herself dizzy due the exhaustion.

When she saw it was your mom who walked into the coffee shop, she tried shooting her a tired smile, but it quickly disappeared when she saw your mothers state.

She had messy hair, red waterlines and faint eye bags under her eyes, but they were no where close to the ones she saw on your face three days before.

Jenna rose to her feet, ready to shake the woman's hand, but to her surprise your mom just walked straight into her, embracing her with a warm hug.

Your mom slowly pulled away, keeping her hands in a soft grip on Jenna's shoulders and looked into her eyes with a tired smile, almost inspecting her face.

Your mother had asked Jenna if she'd liked to meet up somewhere, just to talk. She accepted without hesitation, feeling like it was a must in their situation.

She was nervous tho, she hadn't seen you or your mom for about 3 years, and she didn't know how much you had told her about the break up. But your mom didn't seem to hate her like she would've thought, she didn't have a single look of hatred in her eyes when she looked at Jenna.

"So Jenna.." your mom sat down in the chair in-front of her on the other side of the table. "Do you have any new projects coming soon?" She smiled, picking up the coffee mug from the table and taking a sip.

Jenna couldn't help but feel at home, a smile creeping up her lips. "Yeah..Yeah I do actually. I have a few." Making your mom nod with an even bigger smile.

And she did, she did have a few coming out soon, but she didn't have any projects that she was currently working on. But she couldn't say that, because then your mom would ask her why, and she couldn't answer that. She couldn't say that she was pregnant when your mother had just lost her daughter. That's why Jenna wore a black coat, trying her best to cover it up; it was just for the best.

"We actually watched one of your most recent projects a few weeks ago.." She kept the conversation going, wiping her mouth with her sleeve. "And I really liked it. You're a very talented girl.."

Jenna could feel herself blush at the compliment, but it quickly faded when she realized that was what you used to call her. She was your talented girl, and you were hers.

"Thank you.. Thank you that means a lot. You're too kind."

Your mother smiled sadly, "Y/n loved it a lot as well." She tried, but maybe it was too early to talk about you.

The sound of your name falling out of your moms mouth made a thick layer of silence fall between them. Jenna felt like the room turned smaller, making it harder to breath. She gulped, but the woman in-front of her didn't seem affected by the words; her tired expression didn't change. But she looked down towards the coffee on the table as she started to speak.

"Y'know.. I thought she had gotten better since the.." Your mom abruptly halted her words, as if they were toxic and she couldn't utter them. "Her last attempt." She sighed out, rubbing her temple gently.

Jenna furrowed her eyebrows, her mouth opening before she could even think. "What?"

Your mom returned the furrowed brows, not understanding the younger girl's confusion. "Her last attempt." She repeated, suddenly in a much more questioning tone than last time. "Last year." She tried to explained further.

Jenna's posture that she had previously straightened now fell, a small 'oh' falling from her lips. She didn't know about that, but what did she expect? You hadn't talked to each other in over three years, of course she didn't know about that.

"It was so nice of you to interrupt your filming just to check up on her." Your mom was now smiling at Jenna again.

It felt as if her entire being was in a state of disarray, with every fiber of her being unsure and bewildered. "Check up on her? Wha– I didn't do that." Jenna stuttered like a messed up vinyl on a record player.

Maybe it was rude to admit such a thing, and in such a confused tone as well. But Jenna couldn't help it, she had no idea what the woman was talking about.

Your moms smile faded as a confused expression took over her face. She opened her mouth to speak, but Jenna broke her to it.

"Mrs L/N, me and Y/n have been broken up for three years." She hesitated while speaking, unsure if it was the right thing to say. Maybe she already knew?

But based on the shocked reaction she got showed that she didn't til now. "Three years?" She questioned, not sure if she had heard it right.

Jenna just nodded as a response; her mouth too dry to say anything more. The grimace on your moms face made her nervous, not having a clue on what was going to happen next.

Your mom didn't lash out like Jenna thought she would, she just put a hand over her mouth, tears almost visible in her eyes.

Jenna began to panic, did she ruin it all? Is your mom going to hate her now? All kinds of questions flashing through her head, you had clearly not told your mom the whole story, how much did you tell?

Without having to ask the question herself, your mom spoke up, like she could've read Jenna's mind. "She told me you guys broke up three weeks ago.." The tears almost fell from her eyes, nothing but confusion and sadness pooling in her eyes.

Jennas mouth opened and closed like a fish in the water, not knowing what to say at all. Why would you lie?

"And she called me the night before, rambling about how she saw you and that you wouldn't want her back like she had wished. I didn't understand what she was talking about.." Your mother spoke rapidly, almost too quickly for Jenna to recall what she was saying.

Jenna's mind went blank, her ears shutting your mothers voice out as she continued talking. The last part she heard was that you had told your mom it was your first time going outside of your apartment in months; aside from going to your therapist.

That's when it all clicked; it was her fault. She was the reason you had flipped and didn't want to live any longer.

You had spent all of your three years waiting for Jenna to take you back, and she didn't. Instead she found another man, got pregnant and engaged to him.

You had waited for her the whole time, but your anticipation was left unappreciated, by her and her only.

[dualityvn]

a bit of a sensitive topic Keith but do you think there may be a chance you have bpd ... the reaction towards rejection is quite strong and it may be a symptom off it you would need therapy for i just noticed through the posts

this is no way suppose to be a negative comment thing i care about you deeply and like to see you happy as much as possible and although the stigma behind the issue it is just like anxiety or depression in the end .

also i tried to make it keith fan but it wouldn't let me i love both of you equally and like ive always wanted someone to say to me

you are loved people do care and what ever you going through no matter what you do im sticking around to make sure your ok and no matter wht you say about me i wont mind in the end because other people have called me way worse than what you or Tennebris ever will and im just hoping i wont upset you i dont want to upset anyone especially not you

also keith no matter what you look like your adorable , you both are but especially the cute florist

It's okay to have headcanons related to Keith, but his canon version wasn't written with that intention. If this is because of the previous event with him, he reacted with such hostility because of the way he felt one MC treated him (like a doll to be played with).

He has such a strong reaction because of his past of repeated abandonment mixed with the fact that he knows he's in a game and nothing more than a fictional character in your eyes. Plus, he's been messed with many times before on the blog and each time, his reaction gets worse.

He does not hate or get angry at the general MC if they reject him, though. He will get sad and desperate if they threaten to leave while in a relationship, but that's mainly due to trauma and not bpd.

[ultrapoppet]

About the whole who's the mother in the unholy family topic, actually neither. But who you assign it to depends of your relationship with your mom figure or depiction of moms you're used to seeing in media. I'm leaning towards Lestat as a classic evil stepmom who forces Cluadia to becomes his dad's caretaker. But they both have mom moments at different times.

About the whole feminization of Louis which some fans take way too seriously, again they're both men. But as Florence aptly put it, their nails are manicured. And honestly looking for the woman in the relationship is kind of a Florence take (rip you'd loved fauxmoi).

Regarding the housewife comment which is something Claudia says to Louis to rile him up against Lestat and people take way too literally, show me when this man washed a single dish? He was a hoarder and mostly just ignored his husband that's literally the opposite of a dotting housewife.

But more seriously, even though Lestat is the more powerful person in the relationship, the abused housewife dynamic hinges on sexism and socialization of women that Louis just doesn't exprience. Mainly:

Women are socialized to associate their value with being wives and mothers. They are judged more harshly for divorce and are expected to put up with a lot more to save the marriage. It was legal and common for men to beat their wives and women were expected to put up with it. Louis was socialized to be the patriarchal husband and the provider. And society was not encouraging Louis to keep sodomizing with a white man. Society very much wanted him to not be in a biracial gay relationship and go settle with Hazel instead. On both sides.

There are a system of laws and social roles put into place to keep women dependant on men. Both in terms of financial dependence and the spaces single women are allowed to coccupy. Louis didn't have Lestat's fuck you money then but he was born rich and as a man he was allowed to own and invest that money. We never see him not be well off. He could comfortably live as a single man and face way less judgment than he did with Lestat.

I hate it but Claudia venturing out on her own as a young looking woman and a less physically powerful vampire and having to deal with bruce vs Louis hunting the gay population by cruising shows the contrast well between what men and women usually face in society.

This whole thing feels like another way for Louis fans who are super attached to the idea of him as a helpless victim to give Louis even more disadvantages than he actually had. He is a man. He is rich. He was a pimp. Instead of dragging sexism into this, stick to Louis sacrificed himself by *insert event* posts idk.

About the whole baby trapping argument, Louis is the one who wants Cluadia. He's the one who makes promises Lestat wants to hear to coax and convince him and Lestat gives in and does it for Louis. If anyone baby trapped anyone it was Louis baby trapping himself. Except the baby convinced Louis to finally leave and Lestat was ready to abort it a few decades in.

Also I'd argue that since they mostly live outside of human society, Lestat's main power over them is being an older, more powerful vampire which is a role that can be occupied by a woman. Although vampires still follow human patriarchal norms so probably not many women became coven leaders and it's also unlikely a woman would've acted the way Lestat did.

Also interesting that the qualities Louis displays that get called feminine by fans, mainly being passive which yikes, are actually not a main trait in the one female charachter in the show or the women of vc. But more female fans seem to identify with Louis than they do with Claudia because there are more depressed girls on this website (who low key want to fuck Lestat) than plot murder girls.

[chaosduckies]

Friends In Small Places (Chapter 4)

As I’ve mentioned when I had first started writing this, this piece is meant to be gloomy. So, I give you the fearplay chapter. I’m so sorry for the delay, but I hope you enjoy! (I have no idea how to feel about this scene-) Also, I get to put my three years of spanish classes to use :D (Translations are included)

Word Count: 3.5k

CW: Anxiety, panic attacks, slight gore mentioned

4-Liam 

A week can pass by quickly. 

Cas and I have been slowly getting to know each other a little more. Not a whole lot since some topics were a little too hard for him to talk about. Classes at college were getting even more tiring, and before I could ask to take the classes online it turns out that they had already handled it when I brought up the subject. So, now I was practically staying at Cas’s house almost all of the time. Although it isn’t too bad, I’ve noticed something about his behavior. He likes to stay close by me. 

It’s not a bad thing, I’m not complaining at all, it’s just that it’s nerve wracking whenever he asks if I’m okay with him sitting near me. I’m not used to him all that much. I know most people are fine with being around shifters but of course I’ve believed all my life that most shifters were scary, intimidating even. It’ll just take some time to get used to living with one I guess. After all, I was supposed to be a therapist. 

Today I was just writing some notes while Cas sat on the floor, a bright smile on his face as he looked at his phone. I was about to ask what that was about, but then I remembered him telling me something about seeing his parents sometimes this week. Was that today? If it was I should probably get ready. The only thing I knew was that I was required to be there the entire time. They didn’t tell me what was going to happen, how long it would be, but I’m sure Cas would tell me on our way there. 

I shut my computer closed, placing my notebook on top of it before shoving it into my bag and glancing over at Cas. He seemed excited to meet with his parents. I would be too if I had been separated for however long. Then again I live in an entire different city than my parents. They do like calling every once in a while though. I don’t think they let Cas have his own parents phone number. 

“Excited?” I mumbled, walking a little bit closer. I’m pretty sure we’ll have to leave soon. It was already noon and I was mainly waiting on a text or a call that explains that his parents were ready to see him. For some reason he’s not allowed to go in early which I find is kind of irrational, but I can’t just go against them. Heck, I wasn’t even supposed to be part of this organization. 

“Mhm. Last time we were only allowed an hour to talk.” He smiled sadly at me, still looking positive about today’s outcome. I do hope he gets to see them today. I think he needs this. But I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone as excited to see their parents as Cas was. 

“I’ve been meaning to ask you, but how old are you?” I asked, looking up curiously. He can’t be more than three years younger than me. He doesn’t go to school, and I doubt he’s any older than myself. 

“Eighteen. I know, I act like a child.” He chuckled, messing with his hands. Nervous? I don’t really think I could do anything about that. Actually, for someone who has depression and struggles with emotions, he doesn’t lose control a whole lot. Only ever twice has he in front of me, minus the times where he starts growing a couple feet from either watching someone thing or thinking about something. I try my hardest to shut it down before anything bad could happen. Last time I freaked out and couldn’t do anything useful to help him. 

“I don’t think you act like a child.” I laughed, hearing my phone go off. I hurried to pick it up, seeing Cas quite literally beam with a shocked smile. I told them we’d be right there, and then carefully climbed into his hands. Today would be a good day. I don’t know why I get the feeling something bad will happen. It’s just the way they had sounded on the phone… 

——————

The building looked relatively normal on the outside, with a fancy look that had screamed “We’re rich,” there were different sized doors, but what caught me off guard was that there was an entire security system right at the front that makes sure you’r not bringing a weapon. Cas set me down near the human-sized doors, telling me to just do what they say and we’ll eventually meet up again. It’s kind of awkward taking instructions from someone younger than me, but he’s been here for much, much longer. 

I went through security, answered a few questions, like who I was with, how long I would prefer the visit time be, mostly questions about Cas if I were being honest. Was this why he was only allowed a singular hour to talk last time? Because he had someone else? I don’t really mind spending a few hours here. What could go wrong? I answered as long as Cas and his parents were going to be here. I’d feel bad if I set a time limit. Plus, I’m sure his parents would love to spend some more time with him. 

Eventually they lead me to a huge waiting room, where I was guessing I would be able to keep an eye on Cas. I was I trusted to stay in there in case something goes wrong, but I sincerely doubt it. What was there to be upset about in the first place? I think everything would be fine. I was just staying on the sidelines anyways. Maybe meet his parents, talk for a while. Heck, maybe I’ll even get to know a little more about him. Cas doesn’t answer some questions I have. All for good reason I hope, it’s not like I was going to force it out of him anyways. That would just be plain wrong. 

Out side of the room, Cas had walked in, standing up near the platform I was guessing they’d be at. Weren’t they supposed to take me up there too? A woman wearing a suit walked into my holding room, taking a seat right next to me, “Kayla Cruz. I was Casper’s old therapist.” She giggled, holding her hand out. Oh? What was she doing here then? Why was she replaced by me of all people? She certainly looked like she was more trained for this job than I was. Something wasn’t right here. 

“Oh, um, Liam Rover. It’s nice to meet you.” I smiled, shaking her offered hand and watching as Three people wearing a guard outfit instructed Cas about something to which he nodded to. Wasn’t I supposed to be up there? I think I know which way to go to get up to him. I guess I can wait an extra couple of minutes. I have no idea why, but I had a bad feeling about everything. Maybe I could ask Ryan later? I know the person he was placed with is a shifter who can only reduce their size, was this really any different? I’d have to ask. 

The woman next to me watched, a frown on her face as she looked at Cas, a worried look on his face. His eyes darted all around the room, still waiting for when his parents walk through the safety of the doors high above where I was sitting. Was it supposed to take this long? Why was I the one worried? Was it just a feeling? 

Th woman next to me glared at me from the corner of her eye, a smirk appearing on her face, “They told you he was meeting with his parents today?” She leaned back in the seat. I nodded my head, confused. “It’s technically true, but the company has deemed Casper here too mentally unstable to meet with anyone but shifters and his corresponding therapist, which would be you.” 

My heart sank. 

What the hell. This was just wrong! I have to go up there before they do anythi- I stared up at the platform, seeing a singular guard walk in, say something to Cas, have a short conversation that made his eyes grow wide and slide slowly down the metal-looking wall behind him. My eyes darted around the room, searching for a door to go and help him. Of course I was terrified about what they’ve done, mostly the outcome of what’s about to happen, but it’s not like I can just leave him here. I know what they do to shifters who can’t control their emotions. Their either sent off to a special captivity prison, or they… I can’t think about that right now. I am not about to become the reason Cas gets sent to a place like that. I don’t have the heart in me to do so. 

I found a door that looked like it lead to the room, and almost as if they knew I was searching for it, it unlocked. I threw it open, rushing out, my heart beating fast and uncontrollable. My legs were about to give out from underneath me, breath shaky, my mind screaming at me to get the hell out of here. But I don’t. I knew what was about to happen. They weren’t letting Cas see his parents. I heard slight screaming and yelling in another room that sounded like a woman’s and crying from a kid. But I didn’t focus on that right now. I was more worried about the situation in front of me. 

What do I do? Something tells me this isn’t going to be anything like that other time. Cas has always watched how he reacts to things, what he does, but right now he’s not. He’s most definitely depressed, and there was just something else I couldn’t pin point. People do dumb things while they’re upset. They regret it all later, so it would be best if I make sure Cas doesn’t so anything he’ll regret. Because then that’s an entire different problem to deal with after this one. 

“Cas!” I managed to scream at the top of my lungs, knees buckling underneath me, but I force them to keep me standing upright as his gaze falls onto me. I jumped, chest heaving up and down as I struggled to find the words to say. My body was frozen in fear, not even able to move a single limb from it’s place. He winced when his legs uncomfortably hit the wall opposite of him. I didn’t know what to do. It’s almost like… they wanted him to lash out. Why would they want that? Soon enough, guards ran in, yelling orders while one tugged at me to head back inside, but I didn’t move. Instead, I rushed forward, avoiding the somehow careful limbs that were trying to move into a compact position on the floor. 

A guard was running after me, but I guess someone held him back since I was somehow gaining ground when I was running extremely slow and tripping every once in a while. I found Cas’s head, seeing him scrunched up as much as he could manage as of right now. He laid on the ground, arms and hands covering his face and knees up against the chest. He still realizes that he can hurt people. Maybe I can actually do this? Still, the size difference between us is huge. 

Cas wasn’t crying or anything. Just mumbling words I surprisingly couldn’t make out. He didn’t sound angry. Just upset. That makes it easier to deal with. People do horrible things out of anger. And I could only imagine how devastating it would be if Cas wasn’t thoughtful enough to watch himself. 

I found his head, buried underneath his arms and muttering incomprehensible words to himself. He groaned a bit, slightly turning his body to face the wall, moving his arms away from his face to lay them down. I guess he didn’t see that I was so close to him because his arm almost killed me. I quickly jumped out the way just before I would’ve been nothing but a pile of flesh and bones on the ground. My heart skipped a beat, unable to stare at the spot on the ground where I could’ve died. My breathing became a ragged, and the sounds close to me were slightly muffled, but it’s not like anyone was saying anything important to me. 

Cas turned his head, eyes meeting my frozen minuscule frame and gasping. He moved his arm away from me, doing his best to slowly sit up without alarming the multiple guards in the room, along with the weapons they probably have imbedded in the room itself. I could tell he was still upset, but right now I was too focused on the fact that I could have died. That reminded me just how much power Cas had over me. Even if I was the one who was watching over him. 

“L-Liam I-I’m so sorry I didn’t mean-“ He tried apologizing, voice hitching just before sucked in a sharp breath. My entire body was shaky, but I forced my legs to push me back up and walk over to the towering being. More people had walked in, Cas pressed his back closer to the wall scared. He knew what was going to happen. I knew what was going to happen. I just had to make sure it wasn’t the worst possible outcome of the the two. I don’t think I could handle the guilt that way. 

The week I’ve spent with Cas has been amazing really. Even though sometimes I get a little jumpy from the fast movements, or feel uncomfortable at times when he’s around me, Cas really isn’t bad at all. We’ve hung out for a while, watched movies, played a few games. I think we’re friends? With that thought in mind I’d hate to see them take him to a place he doesn’t even deserve to be in. Of course I was afraid of him still, instincts and all, but I don’t want him to end up being alone. 

I stood up, taking shaky breaths as I tried my hardest to stay upright. Come on I’m not even hurt- I was just terrified. Shocked. A little unstable right now even. If I had tried talking to Cas now he wouldn’t hear me. The distance between my and himself was huge. I looked back up at him, taking deep breaths. He stared worriedly at the people making their way in, looking ready to advance if he tries anything. 

“I’m not scared. I’m totally fine.” I kept muttering to myself. It usually worked when I felt like this. It’s what my dad would keep telling me. Little did he know that I was terrified of everything going on around me right now. 

Cas’s attention turned to me, a hand reaching taking up my vision as I stood frozen in fear. The next the thing I knew I was pinched tightly between two of his fingers, arms pinned to my sides and barely able to move any part of my body. The pressure against my chest increased, threatening to break my ribs. That was the least of my worries. I couldn’t breathe right now. 

“I-I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you like that!” He freaked out, holding me dangerously close to his face. He’s not being his usual careful self, but that was expected when a person was upset. I gasped for air, trying to free my arms from the prison I was in currently, but Cas just kept looking over the the people on the ground that was far, far below me and muttering words in a language I couldn’t hear. 

My heart was racing fast as my lungs had begged me for air. I managed to free one of my arms, and I forced my voice to work for once, “Cas!” 

“…Lo siento. Lo siento mucho. Estoy arruinando todo...” (*Translation: I’m sorry. I’m very sorry. I’m ruining everything…*)He kept on muttering over and over again, and it just makes me wish I had paid attention to my spanish classes in high school. Something about him being sorry? I think have much, much bigger problems at hand though. 

Cas shifted me in his literal death grip, allowing me to breathe, but he was pressing down harder, and a sharp pain erupted from my leg, but I was fueled by the adrenaline. 

“Cas!” I screamed again, trying to pull myself out of his grip. His eyes darted to me, wide and shocked. It took him a moment to realize, but he let go, laying me down in his open palm, running a hand through his hair. I coughed for air, wincing when I checked out the leg that felt like it was on fire. Most likely broken, but nothing I couldn’t handle. It was fine though. I know he didn’t mean to. But still, my fear never wavered at the fact that he could quite literally kill me by not even trying to. 

“¿Estás bien? I-I didn’t mean to-“ I nodded my head, biting down hard on the bottom of my lip. It’s okay, you know him good enough to know that he wouldn’t do any of this on purpose. I had to remind myself before gathering up my remaining courage to actually do my job. 

“Cas, just take a few breaths, okay? You didn’t do anything wrong.” I had only hoped he heard over how shaky my voice was. He slowly nodded his head, I closed my eyes, hoping that when I opened them the ground wouldn’t be so far from me. When I peaked out, the ground was a bit closer, people stood on the ground, frozen in either fear or shock. I calmed my heart down enough to actually get a few more words in. 

“Feeling a little better?” I asked, putting on the best smile I could manage right now. He slightly nodded again, continuing to take slow breaths. 

“What happened?” I asked calmly, genuinely worried about what was said before I rushed in through here. Cas eyes me sadly, wincing, “I won’t… be able to see my parents for a long time.” He whispered, suddenly aware of everything around him again. He moved further into the wall, away from the people below us. 

“And that means?…” He bit the bottom of his lip, “Apparently I’m too unstable to even see my own family.” He sighed, and I could tell he wanted to cry, but he knew what would happen if he gave into those feelings. 

“I-I have a little brother. He loves trying to climb up anything he can,” He started laughing sadly, “You can imagine how much fun he has when he and my parents come for visits.” He sniffled a little, smiling. Oh. Oh. He’s calming down in his own way. 

Why was the world so adamant on having people watch over the “dangerous” shifters? Cas doesn’t need me… and maybe shifters don’t actually need anyone to watch over them. 

“Yeah?” I smiled, laughing with him while he seemed to have calmed down. 

“… I’m sorry, Liam.” He pressed me up agianst the bridge of his nose, this time a lot more gentle. I winced from the sharp pain in my leg, but sucked it up. I think Cas needs this. Even if I was scared he’d accidentally hurt me again. 

Cas let me down, facing the crowd on the ground that had rushed to help me up, limping the entire way until multiple people were talking behind me, rushing into places. I turned back, ignoring the warning from the people helping me. Cas gave a sad smile as the red band on his wrists started blinking, clasping themselves together like magnetic handcuffs. Cas sighed. 

I heard people in another room yelling, even a child’s voice. It’s his parents. I gasped, finding a door to another room I haven’t been in, seeing a guard and a person with a suit and tie in there. Through the small window, I saw a tall man trying to comfort his wife, who sat crying on the bench while the child stared, screaming at the guard to let him see his brother. My heart sank. 

They weren’t going to kill Cas. I knew they wouldn’t. I just hoped I would be allowed to see him in the hospital they’ll be placing him in. This wasn’t right. Not at all. 

——————

Aghhh plot build up my beloved. This chapter leads up to something reallyyy important for later.

Aww all Cas wanted was to see his little brother 🥺

I hope you enjoyed! I have no idea how to feel about this chapter if I’m being honest, but I hope it’s alright TwT work is affecting my writing grahhhh. Thank you for reading though!

The drawing I did for this chapter is right here!

Taglist: @da3dm (If you would like to be added, leave a note or dm me! :D)

[dead-girl-prolific]

Ticci Toby + Personality Disorders and Mood Disorders

this is based off of @necroromantics post, i felt very inspired to share my thoughts on it, although it took me about 3-4 days to get done i had a lot of fun!

this is mainly about BPD and ASPD(one mention because i don't know a lot about ASPD as a whole) as far as personality disorders go, i know the most about those when it comes to personality disorders. out of mood disorders, to stay relevant to the original post it'll just be the two types of Bipolar disorder.

I chose these three disorders as my topic because they are the most common headcanon for his character(and my headcanons).

PSA:

SOME OF THIS INFORMATION COULD BE OUTDATED, i haven't researched Bipolar in 2-3 years so if anything is wrong i'd like to address the fact that i am NOT a professional! also some/most of this is personal experiences and researches i've done!

now that that's out of the way. let's start rambling!

What is bipolar disorder?

From someone whos lived with both parents struggling with BD (Bipolar Disorder) (my mom shows heavy signs of it, but is not diagnosed, my dad is) it is very much possible i could have it too, but both BPD and BD have a lot in common but are still very different (symptoms). They both have severe mood swings, They share some symptoms, such as depression and impulsive behavior. The main thing that separates them is that BPD is a Personality disorder and Bipolar is a Behavioral Mood Disorder. BD is characterized by periods of extreme highs and lows, known as manic and depressive episodes. BPD affects how individuals perceive and interact with the world around them.

They are very hard to differentiate in a patient and people usually get misdiagnosed, the symptoms are VERY similar which is why it isn’t common to diagnose minors. (it’s not impossible to be diagnosed with both as a minor.) (this is what my doctors have shared with me)

a little tangent- my dad was diagnosed with BD at a very young age (i’d say 12 or/to 16) and it was only diagnosed because he had several…”episodes” (he broke several laws and maybe/probably committed a few felonies.) i don’t know much about my dad’s past, but from what my grandpa and him have told me he’s been bailed out of jail/juvie a lot. He was not medicated because he didn’t like what the medications did to him, so that’s probably why he was so “EXTREME”.

His episodes lasted for a while sometimes 3-4 months or less, but my episodes (i have BPD) can last a few months as well(but around 2-3 months), because of clinical depression(major depressive episodes) which is a huge symptom of BPD, the longest episode i’ve had was maybe two and a half months and it happens a lot about once-twice a year, with no rhyme or reason. i'm looking into getting diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder because i have a lot of symptoms that concern me, but it's possible i was misdiagnosed with BPD(i doubt it because of the symptoms i experience) it is very much possible i could have both, which is why i need to figure it out, it's dangerous for me to not be medicated properly.

Does Toby canonically have bipolar?

If you don’t know enough about something (BD) you shouldn’t create a character with said things (BD) or at least do research before. In my opinion Toby has a personality disorder, although I cannot quite pinpoint which. If i could psycho-analyze (it’s been a while since i’ve taken a full blown look at the entirety of the character.) he most likely struggles with Bipolar but it was misdiagnosed with BPD he also shows some symptoms and traits of someone with ASPD. TECHNICALLY he has canonical BPD through his behavior, but the creator of his character "misdiagnosed" him and gave him Bipolar disorder, but it's totally okay to headcanon him with something else (or something more "fitting") or just projecting, all of it is fine to some extent.

Do you headcanon Toby to have bipolar?(or a personality disorder)

Yes, to put it simply he has potential to be a multi-faceted character, and I know a lot of people like to project onto creepypasta characters in general, as a coping skill. Toby is also “canonically” “Bipolar” i use both of those terms loosely. As someone with (possible) Bipolar and has lived around those with Bipolar I’d be open to writing his character with Bipolar, as an informed writer I would prefer people to at least do research on the subject before making assumptions on how the character would behave/think. Overall if the character’s experience is written well I wouldn't mind reading it. I do not condone misinformation, but i do condone learning about it for a passion project such as writing. As someone who hasn’t struggled with ASPD i don’t necessarily feel comfortable writing it but if i did a decent amount of research for the character and the disorder it could change my mind as long as i get outsider viewpoints.

How to properly write Toby with bipolar?

do not romanticize it not getting treated, as someone who struggles with a disorder not getting treated, it is definitely damaging to my mental and physical health. so writing for a character who isn't being treated for something is something i'm a bit iffy on- but if you do research and don't go overboard, it could end up being really good for awareness.

(i headcanon that he was originally on medication but he didn't take into account the fact that he needs his medications, so he basically fucked himself over and regrets it (subconsciously) after a manic episode of course)

there is an author(s) who does a really good job writing his character with Bipolar/BPD if you are interested in reading their work dm me!/inbox me!

maybe write about how his work relationships would be impacted, and how his friendships would be, his romantic relationships all of it, don't just focus on "ooo i'm mentally ill" it would not only affect him but it would also impact those around him by whether or not they know about his Bipolar disorder and if they know hes having an episode.

it would probably, a few times, get him caught by the law given the fact that people with bipolar are very indecisive and it would mostly be chalked up to him being like "this is wrong, i don't want to do this anymore" to "ARSON!!!" (bad analogy but you get it) his emotions and feelings on the matter of is job would fluctuate all the time, even while he's on the job. it leads him to be erratic and spontaneous. he isn't a very reliable partner, which is why he probably only goes on single missions.

i feel like if he were to be medicated it would be at the expense of Tim's medications since toby can't get his hands on other medications that are used for mood swings and such.

What do manic episodes look like? How would they effect Toby?

"Manic episodes are very intense highs in mood and energy. Despite what people say, real manic episodes are only experienced in people with bipolar disorder" @necroromantics

this is true, as someone with BPD, my "manic" episodes depend on someone that is my FP (favorite person) and when i am not having a "high" of energy i'm usually numb and my "manic" episodes are usually only an hour long or the amount of time that i am with my FP. BPD cannot get Manic.

although there are two branches of Bipolar, Bipolar 1 which is characterized as many manic episodes and less depressive episodes but Bipolar 2 is characterized as many major depressive episodes, that usually last a lot longer than the manic episodes. (this is worded as simply)

"A very real danger of manic episodes is that some people experience co-occurring psychosis alongside their episodes, such as delusions and hallucinations." @necroromantics

another thing Toby struggles with is hallucinations of his deceased sister Lyra.

"These highs can also lead to dangerous acts due to the recklessness and lack of proper judgement on whats safe/smart in that moment. There is also hypomania, which is a lesser, more mild form of mania." @necroromantics

you are mixing up both Bipolars... they are separated (from the studies i've done/researched)

Manic Episodes-

it would all depend on how exactly he feels/ the situation and how the writer decides to portray that. (if the writer is properly informed of course)

What do depressive episodes look like? How would they effect Toby?

 "They typically last longer than manic episodes, usually about 1+ months." @necroromantics

this depends on whether or not it's Bipolar 1 or Bipolar 2, this is the "definition" of a Bipolar 2 Depressive episode. bipolar 2 episodes can occur for longer than a month, that is correct. bipolar 1 has longer manic "highs" than bipolar 2, bipolar 2 barely gets manic "highs" and when they do it's not for very long. (from what my doctors have told me/what i've seen in my dad (he has bipolar 1))

as someone who has seen these symptoms and had them i can assure you they are not fun, especially dealing with them WITHOUT proper medications, although currently i am very "manic" and getting a lot of shit done, kinda like i'm on adderall rn lol.(that's the closest comparison i can make to how I AM feeling.)

"He would probably disappear for a bit, to be left alone, because he doesn't want to be around anybody. He would spend his time sleeping as much as he can, and then the rest of his time doing proxy work, and then going back to sleep." @necroromantics

i wouldn't say sleeping is all he's doing, when i have depressive episodes (which episodes are different for everyone) i tend to go off my diet, make a lot of other regrettable decisions(EX: relapse, forget important stuff, become more "lazy" etc.) that prolong my episode. but sleep can also be affected such as; getting too much sleep or struggling with sleeping (i.e waking up every hour to every few hours).

What are mixed episodes?

 "This can look like feeling super energetic, but also horribly hopeless and depressed, or being on top of the world one minute, and then wanting to off yourself the next. They are very intense, and dangerous. It feels like you're losing your mind, and you can't catch yourself." @necroromantics

i am going to add to this. not only will you be super energetic but you'll want to do so much but have no energy to do it, like lets say you had a great art idea, oc idea, and writing idea, but you would be too unmotivated to do any of it. sometimes you can't pinpoint what to feel/what you're feeling, and that's totally okay! confusing, annoying but still its completely okay.

I'm free to answer with my personal experience, and headcanons and prior knowledge of mental health about any creepypasta characters! DM me or inbox me!

[myworld-collapsing]

just noticed cinna is the girlie i talk about the least of the 3 . . forgive me everyone . . i shall share some info i made about her just now . .

cinna is a very . . pessimistic individual to say the least .

when she first arrived at the garden, she was extremely detached and disassociated from her classmates and surroundings, and often avoided everyone at all costs possible .

the best you could at least see of her, would be her either just sitting silently under a tree, or her aimlessly trailing away to wherever .

she’s introverted and timid, negative, shy, and always anxious and stressed about something, whether it be about someone or something . this heightened a lot when she was around others . ( and still does now sometimes ) when she deems she can’t deal with something, she shuts down entirely .

she can also go on morbid rambles about disturbing topics if she feels comfortable enough with you : D !

she also has lapses of time where she can just be straight up cruel and inconsiderate of others, taking the sad reality of things and stretching it, surrounding someone with it until it swallows them up .

all of these traits mainly come from her “ home “ life . although she is the oldest of cas’s children, she was put to sale quite later then her siblings, and was left as the last one left of her father’s “ litters “ .

sonii gave her to a pet human modifier shortly after this as a gift of a new “ lab rat “ . cinna’s guardian is named guardian arcaro by the way .

arcaro is a bit like urak, but more . . uncaring for his “ pets “ ? ( who he deems as “ lab rats “ instead ) he often experiments carelessly with them, so much that it’d probably be assumed he doesn’t even know the limit of what a human can take .

cinna is deemed one of the more fortunate pets of arcaro, “ only “ having a vast amount of trauma emotionally and physically from being cruelly experimented since she was a child so far, while most of her other less fortunate siblings, ended up tortured physically for the most part before their untimely deaths .

because of this as well, she does not view herself as human, but more as a underserving burden, who should have never been born . her worldview is muddled and cold . why are we here if not only to suffer ?

this all starts to change when she meets yuna, who through time brightens her world, and gives her a reason and want to live, to keep going and become a better person . although i won’t ramble on that too much though since this post is already pretty long,

cinna does become a better person with yuna around her now ! ! she becomes much more involved with her classmates, and is overall viewed as a shy and quaint, sometimes a bit creepy but cute girl !

though, for her thoughts on cas ( which i really haven’t mentioned until now im so sorry blue i honestly thought you didn’t care 😭 ), in very short and simplified terms, she naively thought that he could save her ( when she was both younger and started being experimented on ) at first, but now honestly doesnt care for him in the slightest .

nothing like bottling up your feelings of betrayal and sadness until they’re gone ( they not they’re just lodged even deeper into you now ) am i right ?

( also to add to the angst she does view her younger self as a “ stupid and immature little girl . “ )

( yuna belongs to @starry-skiez, and cas belongs to @bluemoonscape ! by the way blue, thoughts on my depressed little cinnamonroll : 3 ? )

[bluenomad-snufkin]

More about me... be warned im a terrible human

I am 16 - Male, chronically depressed. Un-ironically a genius... and lack real connection.

I like weird music such as, Death grips, Semetery, Adam and the ants, Fried by Fluoride... I LOVE THE SMITHS BTW and nirvana.

i enjoy playing with computers and building them, have about 4 pc's now and 5 laptops, all old stuff cause i like old computers.

Linux enthusiast - I use mint :3

I own a shit CRT but its fun to use- lain core </3

Game a fair bit and enjoy games like Chiv2-Cof-Postal1/2-Tf2-project zomboid- Counter strike source and 2. silent hill series could go on and on but you get the idea

hmu if u want to game cause all my friends are ass at "these sort of games"

i enjoy some weird interests as well:

tcc, photography, design, steam power, engines in general, motorbikes, hacking, ELETRIC GUITAR, and acoustic, gambling, baking, cooking, pirating, audiophile, 3drinting, preservation of old tech, blacksmithing, reading, Gel-Blasting (for the Americans it is australian Airsoft in short), old game console modding, anime and movies.

That's probably the list ngl

I read a lot and i like to discuss deep philosophical concepts and the "psychology" of humans. (if you couldn't tell I'm a 'misanthrope')And talking about societal constructs and all that stuff... not many people like talking about that stuff.

a good way to describe me would be Lain but mentally Dr house. in the sense of dislike of just about everything and my attitude towards others and life its self.

I don't know why I am the way I am... I truly am a miserable person, i have my moments but I honestly am, and I make others very miserable just by more or less existing with them.

This blog is kind of apart of my journey to becoming something else, I think self discovery would be the wrong term but the closest set of words I can think of too how I feel.

some more personal stuff...

I am incredibly lazy, not to the point of not showering or never leaving bed but more "surrogate activates" - Ted K, or meaningless and basic tasks/activates, I don't really participate in class due to the fact i somehow know most of it (I'm ignorant too) I don't really like doing things like- actually this is hard to explain but the best way i can describe it would be doing this that have to value to me or my future.

I don't have a problem connecting with people but I find my self ALWAYS not actually caring for them or there feelings. I don't believe at this point in time I could name more than one person I really care for. I would label this a selfish but its not like to treat my self any better. maybe that is how i punish my self, any insight on this topic would be much apricated.

I seem to have sort of desire for Control - i think this because i love just watching people listening and anticipating what people will say, do, think, act, its some sort of game for me (i really don't know how to put this) and id have to say 80% of the time my guess are correct, i am a ""master"" of determining and analysing humans, its really weird and i don't understanding where or even how i developed this skill from. i often find my self using this to just piss people off and see how mad i can get someone (i mainly do this online).

A lot of human thinking and reactions piss me off, I hate how some people think and interact with this world i don't seem in some case even understand why these people are like this i s just know and know that they are. I'm not sure if i wish to be like them or for "them" to be like me.

I truly am a troubled and misunderstood person.

one may conclude that I'm autistic or have some other form of genetic/ mental illness, to that i say, are you fucking retarded... do you understand anything in this world or that of the human mind?

Maybe you do, if so please critiqueme and tell me why i am me.

I have been tested for Autism and ADHD, both Negative not sure by what margin although.

My best guess is that i am simply "hyper realised" or some other buzz words - or are a lot of people this way...???

Just been reading and editing this massive ass post, there are so many other things i could go on about, like the government, being clean, family, longing for societal escape, tictok, but you probably don't care just as i wouldn't.

Any way enjoy my weird blog i guess if you read this and where not turned away. lol

-last minute add don't know where to put this but i love tcc cause I'm "obsessed" with there minds, motives and stuff like that.

[anatee]

Amor Caecus | Ominis Gaunt x OC | Part 1

Amor Caecus | Ominis Gaunt x OC. Part 1.

Word count: 2.7K

Description: Ominis and Riana never really cared for each other until they bonded over their studies. It was then that Gaunt discovered that no one described the world as beautifully as that wise, herbarium-making Ravenclaw who had fired up his imagination. Ominis simply loved those descriptions.

Maybe not just descriptions.

The rustle of pages being turned.

It was one of Ominis Gaunt's favorite sounds. His sensitive hearing sometimes irritated him, letting in noises that gave him a headache, but this situation also had its advantages. He could hear the pleasant sounds better, and he had a whole list of them. Lately, the pleasant rustle of paper that accompanied reading had taken the top place - partly because it was satisfying and calming, but mainly because of who he associated it with.

It was Riana Innes who sat next to him and provided him with this pleasant sound every time they studied together.

It all started completely by accident, a few months earlier, when a resigned Ominis went to the library to prepare for a test. He usually didn't do it alone; although he had mastered many helpful spells, the fact that he couldn't see made it easier for him to absorb knowledge with someone's help. Although Sebastian was his best friend, he wasn't the best study partner. Even if intelligent, Sallow had - according to Ominis - sometimes a too easygoing approach to studying, which is why Gaunt stopped trusting him in this aspect. It always got dangerous when Ominis heard a dozen or so pages being shuffled, and then Sebastian saying that he "only skips what definitely won't be on the test".

The upcoming Charms test was too important to risk Sebastian skipping the material. And so Ominis ended up in the library, where he didn't feel the best, especially by himself - he might have had some peace there, but he didn't like being around other students too much if it wasn't necessary.

The name "Gaunt" didn't exactly bring flowers, rainbows and warmth to mind, but rather a ruthless family of pure-blood heirs of Salazar Slytherin. There were various rumors circling about Ominis; some students were even afraid of him, especially because he walked everywhere with his wand held out in front of him, which could guide him. In addition, the fact that he was a Parselmouth did not gain him any fans at all, on the contrary, it created more and more, sometimes terrifying rumors.

On the one hand, Ominis did not mind that some students were afraid of him. He had his peace and usually was not forced into interactions that he did not like. On the other hand, he was sometimes depressed by the fact that he was often associated only with the evil of his family, which he really did not want to have anything to do with.

Some students had no idea what to think of Ominis, and Riana was one of them. Although they had been classmates for six years, she probably exchanged a few words with him at most when they had to work together in Herbology. From what she knew from rumors, he scared her a little, but from experience she could not call him someone dangerous. He probably behaved the most decently of all the boys in the year, but she guessed that it was due to his noble background. But who knew what he was really like?

Unlike Ominis, Riana appeared in the library very often, thanks to which she was perfectly aware of where the books on a given topic were. That is why on that rainy March day she confidently walked towards the shelves where her required books were located. However, she stopped dead in her tracks when she noticed Ominis, whom she had never met there before, slouched over a book. If it had been anyone else, she would have had no problem. She would have gone over, taken her book and left. However, since Gaunt could not see her, she was not sure how to behave. She thought that maybe she should announce herself to him somehow, so that he would know that no one was trying to make an attempt on his life - which was quite likely at Hogwarts. Or maybe it was an idiotic idea, because he could sense it? Maybe even then, when she was still keeping a safe distance of a few meters, his wand had let him know that a confused Ravenclaw was standing and staring at him as if she were about to clash with Salazar Slytherin himself? After all, it wasn't so far from the truth...

Riana decided to stop torturing herself with wild ideas and simply go for what she needed, although not without stress. When she approached the shelf, and therefore Ominis, she noticed that he didn't even raise his head. Apparently, he didn't realise in any way that he wasn't alone, so the girl decided to speak up anyway.

"Sorry," she wanted to add "Ominis", but even knowing his name, she had the impression that it would be strange to address him directly. "I'll stand next to you for a moment. I don't want to scare you."

Ominis raised his head and turned it towards her voice, not really knowing what was happening. That voice was familiar, and yet he couldn't place it on anyone...

"Uh... Thanks?" he finally spoke, and Riana could see from his expression that he was at the very least confused.

"You probably don't recognise me," she said quickly. "Riana. From Ravenclaw."

She hoped that he would recognise her by her name alone. After all, they had been in the same year for six years, right? He probably knew her by name...?

"Ah... Yes."

It dawned on Ominis. Riana Innes. She was indeed in his year, but he didn't know her very well. Either way, it was nice of her to introduce herself.

Riana began to browse the books on the shelf, but after a moment, out of pure curiosity, she glanced at the volume lying in front of Ominis - and realised that it was the book she needed as well.

"Oh, you have the book I'm looking for," she said immediately. "Are you studying for Charms?"

"Yes, I am," he replied, a bit confused, because he didn't expect the girl to talk to him again.

Riana hesitated. So far, he hadn't eaten her. Nor had he threatened to curse her and her future offspring. Nor did he send a venomous snake after her...

Merlin, her imagination was probably a bit too wild sometimes.

"Do you mind if I sit down next to you?" she asked, and only then did the nerves of asking a boy she barely knew about this hit her. "You know, actually... It's the same test, so we could use this book together... I mean, if you want. If not, I'll wait for my turn."

"No," Ominis blurted out. "I mean, you can sit down, yes."

Riana was actually glad that he couldn't see her face and sighed with relief. Despite everything, she was still a little afraid of his reaction, carefully taking a seat next to him.

"I'll sit quietly, I promise."

"You don't have to," he said surprisingly firmly, and before she could ask for details, he added, "We can use this book together."

Ominis was cursing himself for leaving Sebastian behind. He might have been a bit of a hothead, but studying with him didn't expose him to the kind of situations he found himself in now. He had nothing against Riana, he barely knew her anyway, which made it a bit awkward.

Riana nodded, then reminded herself that Ominis couldn't see her. She slapped herself on the forehead, then looked at the book and realized that... He couldn't see the text either. It was only at that moment, for the first time in so many years, that she began to wonder how he studied at all. Did someone just read everything to him? But if so, why was he there alone...? Ravenclaw curiosity wouldn't let her stay silent.

"Actually... Could I ask... How do you study...?" she asked, trying to sound as polite as possible. She didn't want to offend Ominis in any way, she was just genuinely curious how he had managed to study for so many years, especially since she couldn't imagine life without books.

"With my wand," he explained. "When I point it at a text, I can hear it in my head. But sometimes it's hard to find the right information and I don't know if I'm missing something."

"Then maybe I could help you?" she blurted out, and only after a moment did embarrassment take hold of her again. "If you want. I'm not pressuring you. But, well... I have to learn this too, so..."

Ominis hesitated, although he was pleasantly surprised. The girl seemed to have no prejudice, not because of his house, his last name, or even because he couldn't see. Besides, she was a Ravenclaw, and from his experience, every average Ravenclaw cared about studying ten times more than Sebastian - by definition. In spite of the fact that at that moment he wasn't sure if it was a good decision, he was able to admit to himself that it would be easier for him with someone's help.

"We can try."

Since that meeting, such studying sessions had become something they together did very often. Ominis stopped being afraid of studying outside the comfort of the common room, and he also learned that Riana really cared about her grades just as much, if not more, than he did. They didn't study together for absolutely every test, and they didn't have all their subjects together, but when it came to important tests, they always met in the library.

Then the sixth year ended, and the holidays came, but Ominis hadn't forgotten about that lovely and incredibly intelligent Ravenclaw, who had much more patience than Sebastian. He had hoped that in the seventh year they would be able to return to studying together, and so it happened.

It was only the end of September, and they were studying for their first test - Potions, in which Ominis wasn't an eagle, unlike Riana. He wondered where she got her saintly patience for him from, and sometimes she explained things to him multiple times.

What he liked most about her was the way she told stories. He felt like he had never met someone with such a vivid imagination. No wonder she was a Ravenclaw... Even though Ominis had never seen anything, her stories and descriptions were so vivid that he could imagine things that had never crossed his mind before. But he did not dare to ask her to describe anything beyond their studying... Until that day.

The rustle of paper beloved by Ominis was replaced by the dull sound of a heavy cover hitting hundreds of pages.

"I think that's enough for today," said Riana.

He liked her voice too - it was very girlish. She liked to talk fast and asked a lot of questions, he could even hear the subtle changes in her tone when she caught herself thinking that she should slow down. But Ominis didn't really mind her fast blabbering.

"I think so too," he admitted. "This material isn't really as difficult as I thought."

"It's not difficult, but you know how Sharp is." Riana sighed. "Oh well. It's so beautiful outside now that I think I'll go for a walk."

Ominis hesitated. He didn't want to end this meeting yet; their conversations were usually limited to school, but he wanted to finally get to know her better, not just in those single sentences they sometimes exchanged between studying. It could be risky, but then again, Riana studied with him for a reason, right?

"Can I come with you?"

Riana was glad he couldn't see the shock on her face. He was really asking if he could join her. She wasn't surprised only because she had secretly hoped that they would finally talk outside of studying, but also because Ominis still kind of... scared her. Maybe she wasn't afraid that he would curse her and she knew he was well-mannered, but somewhere in the back of her mind she had the reputation of the Gaunts. She wondered how he really behaved, beyond the typical pleasantries. If that wasn't enough, as a Ravenclaw, inflamed with curiosity, she wanted to bombard him with questions about his sight (or lack thereof), his ability to talk to snakes, his family... Ominis Gaunt simply fascinated her, so the decision was very easy.

"Sure. We could s..." She bit her tongue before saying that they could see autumn leaves. "I mean, let's go. The sun is still shining, it's not that cold..."

Ominis nodded, then sent the books back to the shelf with a spell. Then he held his wand out in front of him so that it would guide him, glowing red as it did so.

The sight seemed a bit sinister to Riana, even if she knew that he had no intention of harming her. She remembered how, especially at the beginning of school, the sight of his face bathed in that red light when he walked through the dark corridors of the castle, used to scare her. Of course, she was used to it now, but it still left a bit of a strange impression on her. It was probably because of the red... However, she dismissed those thoughts and walked with him to the exit of the library.

"You know, I'm fascinated by how your wand guides you," she finally said as they began to approach the castle exit. "It seems like it has a mind of its own."

Ominis laughed shortly, to her surprise.

"Yeah, it's kind of like that. I have a really strong bond with it. It makes life a lot easier for me."

Riana pushed open the massive doors, finally stepping out onto the grounds. Her lungs were immediately filled with the crisp, autumn air, which made her smile. The warmth of the afternoon sun still enveloped her cheeks, making the atmosphere perfect for a walk.

"It would be a fascinating area of ​​study of wandmaking," she continued. "I don't know much about it, but I've never seen anything like your wand."

Ominis nodded, walking forward without hesitation.

"I'm actually curious about how it works myself."

There was a moment of silence, but Ominis could feel Riana still walking beside him. She was marveling at the weather and the views, but at the same time she was gathering her courage for the question she had long wanted to ask him. She could feel her curiosity about bursting her insides.

"Ominis, can I ask you a slightly... personal question? You don't have to answer," she finally uttered, not knowing what to expect from him.

"Yes?" Gaunt replied, his voice a little higher than usual. He hoped Riana wouldn't ask about his family. He was ready to answer many questions, but he didn't feel like going into unpleasant details at that moment, especially when he felt so good, when the warmth of the sun pleasantly hugged his face...

"How much... Can't you see?" she finally asled, feeling her nerves gnawing away at her. "I mean... I know that some people can't see at all, and some have some sight and... I'm sorry, I don't know how to put it best. And I don't want to offend you."

Ominis was a little surprised by the question. Few people were so sincerely interested in the feelings associated with his disability, and the fact that Riana seemed sincerely eager to learn about them...

"It's okay." He smiled gently. "I can generally tell if there's an object in front of me or not, but I don't know the shapes or colours. I can't even see the outlines. Just... Certain changes in the light? It's a bit hard to describe."

"Oh, I see..." she replied, trying not to sound too depressing, even if her heart broke a little. She couldn't imagine living without colour, without that wonderful view that surrounded her, the colourful leaves, the big pumpkins, the bright sky...

"But the wand mainly tells me where to go, so that I don't bump into anything. It also warns me about thresholds and stairs," he said, not wanting her to think that he was feeling sorry for himself. "I may not see colours or shapes, but at least I don't fall over."

"So maybe you'd like me to... Tell you about them?"

[real-godzekiel]

Sorry. I am quite tired today from school so I'm just going to cut to the chase and not be too detailed.

Note that I will discuss topics relating to self harm and mental illness (mainly dermatillomania and trichotillomania, but also body dysmorphia and substance abuse disorder) in this post. I will also show footage of the show that have blood and be discomforting. I also know that this might be obvious to some people, but I felt the need to explain why I specifically think this way.

I think Mirror Man has dermatillomania and Wine Mom has trichotillomania. Here is why:

You may have noticed that I draw scars on Mirror Man's hands. These scars are based on the ones people like me usually get from picking their skin.

(In the past, I used to put trigger warnings on these drawings. But now, realizing that most of these images are not focussed on these scars at all, I find it weird to put a trigger warning for things that many people visibly suffer from. Then, I would have to put a trigger warning if I ever post a photo of myself experiencing daily life because there are scars on my hands. That's like putting a trigger warning for someone who visibly still suffers from a bone fracture because it triggers people who are afraid of breaking bones. It's stupid. So, I stopped putting trigger warnings for images of characters with scars unless the scars are the focus. I am sorry if this is upsetting to some people, so DM me if you are concerned about something like this.)

Mirror Man's whole identity, at least according to himself, is based on removing his own imperfections to be perfect. I know that I pick my skin usually because I felt that it was not smooth enough, although I did not necessarily want it to be smooth because of body dysmorphia. However, Mirror Man probably thinks it was awful that his skin has imperfections here and there and likely he tries to fix it using methods that are not healthy.

This is kind of canon in the original animated short:

Although this might an exaggeration for the visuals of his song, I think it is safe to assume that he goes beyond just fixing his body with safe surgeries and make-up. He sometimes draws blood from picking his body without a reasonable purpose aside from "Oh God. Oh God. This does not look good. This is upsetting to look at and it is my responsibility to fix this."

Also, there is the statistic that many people with body dysmorphia also have this condition. Although this does mean Mirror Man has this condition just because he kind of canonically has body dysmorphic disorder, I think it makes it more likely for him to have it. There is also talks about dermatillomania's relations to OCD, but I don't know enough, honestly. I don't even know if I know enough about dermatillomania to make this post, except that I have dermatillomania which might make it excusable for me to make this post anyhow. I do not know if I have OCD.

Ok, onto Wine Mom.

This might be kind of a stretch because 1. It is not certain if I have trichotillomania because I do not pull my hair very often anymore. 2. There is no canonical proof of her pulling her hair.

So, it's really just a headcanon from what is implied in the short.

The most important reason why I think she has trichotillomania or at least some hair-pulling related problems is because of her hair:

It is very uneven. This might just be a way to convey how unkempt she is or even illustrate the effects addictions have on your hair, particularly hair loss. (It may also just be Stauber's style, which is also likely. LOL!) However, I think it is not impossible that she still has some problems with hair-pulling.

Wine Mom canonically has substance use disorders and likely suffers from depression, seen by her gloomy dialogue with Claire. She might have anxiety, too, but that is more "headcanon territory." Either way, this definitely makes it more likely that she has trichotillomania. I might also mention the "hold her hair" part in Virtuous Cycle, but that is more of a reference to her substance abuse disorder. Either way, surprising amount of emphasis on hair in Wine Mom's sections of OPAL!

What I'm trying to say is: something is wrong with Wine Mom's scalp. This is me self-projecting and I am so sorry if it sounds like I am not taking this seriously or going through these theories well. It is really a stretch, but yeah. Headcanons.

Pseudofolliculitis on Wine Mom's scalp.

Dandruff, and she scratches it.

Bald spots that she hides by covering them with hre long hair.

Another big headcanon is I believe she may have started pulling her hair a while before her substance abuse disorder. I think that Wine Mom, as a teenager, was introverted and nervous. She might have been frustrated with her hair because it discomforts her skin, so she started pulling them out, which turned out to be satisfying to her. Usually these types of "habits" are gratifying because they provide a sense of relief after pain and triggers some kind of reward system.

Either way, yeah.

I think Wine Mom and Mirror Man has these mental conditions that I (likely) have because I love these characters and it makes me feel comforted to think about it. Also, I like seeing how others interpret fictional characters' mental conditions in a way that does not sound like "I think this character has (condition) because I like sounding smart and pretending to know a lot about mental health." This is because posts like mine, I believe, are more of "I headcanon this because I think it may be compelling and also I relate."

Okay. That's it. Good night guys.

[hereandnowhere-onboards]

Off the Beaten Track ep 2

I had a great time with episode 1, which mainly dealt with Max's GT3 racing team. However, I found ep 2 kind of depressing and boring, for a range of reasons.

I think it's useful to understand the incredibly intense commercial demands on Max's time, because it's such a huge part of his life. It's also the reality of modern F1.

Max describes in the episode how he takes his brain down to 1% during marketing commitments so he doesn't need to use too much energy, which is a pragmatic way of dealing with it. But watching someone quasi-dissociate through an endless series of commitments while surrounded by huge numbers of people was vicariously stressful to me, more than I think was intended. (This may also be a Current State of My Brain thing.)

I'd really enjoyed how relaxed Max's talking heads seemed in ep 1. The talking heads in Vegas in ep 2 seemed far more like his boilerplate PR responses – however, given that they were filmed at night during the chaos of the Vegas race weekend, they were never going to have the chill vibe of ep 1, even if the topic hadn't been his beloathed marketing.

As Max says in the episode, the interviews he has to do are so repetitive that he's almost able to answer each question before it's asked. I feel that this episode fell into the same trap – the way Max's talking head interview was structured meant that Max was effectively giving PR boilerplate responses, which didn't manage to bring anything new to it for me, and (ironically) I found it boring.

Max has been very publicly doing this for a long time and for anyone who's taken an interest in him, his disdain for marketing has been thoroughly covered, so I'm not sure how you'd actually introduce a novel or more interesting angle here. (Is the doco just fundamentally aimed at a different audience to me?)

In the past Max has been more engaged when it's been a joint interview with a sympathetic foil (eg Alex, Daniel) and more checked out when it's just him alone in a room with an interviewer (DTS). A joint interview probably wouldn't have worked so well in this context (myth-building documentary series with an individual focus) but it might have given Max 'Yes-And' Verstappen some more yes-anding to do. Some more enrichment. Although if he's really needing to conserve his energy maybe he doesn't want that enrichment.

While watching, I also reflected on my own attitudes and practices towards F1 drivers in general and Max in particular. Because I am part of the problem – that insatiable demand for Content that drives the marketing machine. I don't have any good answers for this but it's always in the back of my mind.

The other thing that bothered me about this episode was that the content didn't quite feel enough to fill the running time – it felt a bit repetitive to me. I wonder if they really needed a full episode for what they covered, or if they could have instead broadened the scope. I felt that some of the episode's focus was perhaps over-dictated by access that the documentarians had been able to get, particularly at Heineken.

All of that said, there were a couple of instantly iconic moments:

Max stripping out of his pants ('trousers' for the Brits) on camera

Max's Grindr joke

Camera angle that I hadn't seen before on the Daniel stroopwaffel hand-feeding incident in Zandvoort.

Aside from that, people who are more interested in Max's other commercial deals and the business of F1 may get more out of this episode than I did.

NOTE: In the later stages of the episode Max is shown on camera using 'disabled' as a throwaway insult – it's unfortunately consistent with what I know of his previous conduct, so it's not really new information about him, but it still sucks.

[scorpuppet]

introductory post ♡

bodily a minor | main account is @voidboyz !!

several headmates use this account to make their own blogs as well, so they may follow from here >.<

this account is mainly run by sasori (he/doll) and tobi (he/it) + others take over sometimes!! we dont all proxy tag, although we try ^^

this system is fictive-heavy as well as fictionkin-heavy. if you make fun of or have any issue with said groups, please leave. we have no interest in being harassed for any reason, block and move on.

please do not ask for financial help, we're bodily a child with no access to our own money and can't help you in that way, frankly it's stressful to constantly get asks surrounding something we can't control.

GENERAL DNI!! >^<

do not follow if you are (bodily) an adult, unless we follow first. it makes us uncomfortable that an adult could see us posting vulnerable things!!

do not follow if you frequently post about nsfw (if we became mutuals before you read this, you're fine)!!

we have anxiety disorders, depression, and bpd, among other things, which we will talk about. we also post about fictional body horror, gore (not in detail), cannibalism, murder, etc, although we do not support this happening in real life.

we tag potentially triggering posts if we are aware that mutuals are triggered by said topics, please let us know if there's something we should tag for your comfort

extended pronouns list (sasori)

dni list

[localguy2]

Oi may I please request some zane head cannons (I need some variety )

💡💡💭

Sure thing, here's a teeny tiny list of headcanon for your enjoyment:

- Heavy sleeper imo, probably the heaviest on the team, it may be confirmed that Cole snores, but in my eyes Zane will always be the heavier sleeper cuz of Crystalized and Seabound

- he's actually a pretty good leader, but self doubt and worry fuck him over more then anything, that combined with how his plans sometimes don't take into account the people around him makes him scared shitless of leading at times

- examples of mostly good leading is in Season 5 where he's mainly the one spear heading the team in Stiix, although to be fair to Zane, Kai did also fuck up a lot of his plans (*cough* making Ronin raise the price & unintentionally hitting him with the crane which broke his voice box *cough*)

- examples of bad plans/leadership is possibly Sons of Garmadon where he basically throws Cole under the bus to get into the SoG (poor Cole lmao), and while he did get a good amount of info for the ninja, in the end it ended up with him at the bottom of the canyon (although again to be fair to him, if it wasn't for Harmui then the Sons of Garmadon would have probably not found about his true identity)

- on the topic of whole SoG plan, he's really fucking embarrassed about it and is also really guilty, and he apologises constantly to Cole for it, because not only did his plan get his brother in danger, in his eyes it was all for nothing since he got beat by Mr.E and almost died for it, depression!

- sorta linked with the last one, Green Ninja complex! (this time Nindroid edition), Basically like Lloyd, he feels like he should be more responsible, as such he holds himself to ridiculously high standards at times, which can be a determent of his own health at times, physical and mental, physical as in throwing himself into danger, and mental as in not wanting to fail at anything, because in his eyes "I'm a nindroid, I should be much better at this then the avgrage person.", fun all round ey?

- Can communicate with PIXAL without having to say anything, basically messaging PIXAL just by thinking about it, which has lead to some very obscure and random moments where he and PIXAL break out into laughter all of the sudden (yes they have inside jokes about everyone including each other)

- will not allow himself any rest if any of the ninja is hurt in any shape way or form, and if everyone is injured? Well fuck me he's staying up for at least 2 weeks with no sleep just to watch over them, something that Wu doesn't approve of because he probably needs as much rest as the rest of the injured ninja, but he can't do anything since-

- Zane is stubborn, stupidly stubborn at times, if he's focused on a task oh he WILL get it done and he will not let shit get in his way

- has won a chess championship because he thought it would be an "intertsing expiernce.", he hated it because of how people showed up and asked for pictures and shit lmao

- has both the most and least amount of control over his element, most as in being precise and accurate with freezing his targets and landing his shots, least as in the Ice Emperor trauma overwhelming him and causing him to lose control sometimes (although with Quest for The Lost Powers, he's since regained full control over his element)

- when the others found out that he was a nindroid (and that he didn't have a mom), they all decided that the next best thing would be to make him the mom of team, as such they celebrate mother's day in his honour (he finds it weird but at the same time amusing asf)

- mother's day when he was dead after Season 3 was possibly one of the most depressing times for the ninja, >:)

- makes ice sculptures for everyone randomly, which sorta leads into the next action

- he's the "Shows affection through actions" type, he doesn't have a problem saying that he loves his family out right, but he prefers physical actions to show his affection (making ice sculptures, cooking a favourite dish, heck perhaps even knitting clothes)

- occasionally lets his falcon out just to talk and hand out with it, he loves his berb a lot since its his last link to his father

- an absolute Disney princess with animals, "Awwww look at this horrifying abomination!" *pets the creature* "Can we keep him? <:)"

- still chills out at the bottom of cold lakes (this task has become significantly easier ever since Nya became the elemental master of water)

- is locked in an endless war with Cole over the title of "biggest brother in the family", it is yet to conclude despite all the shit they went through

- speaking of big brother and shit, I see a lot of people talking about Kai and Lloyd or RGB siblings, and believe those are really damn good I can't argue about that, BUT, hear me out: Lloyd and Zane with Lloyd as the little brother and Zane the big brother.

I mean it's just waiting to happen at this point, shared trauma alone is enough to make these 2 understand each other really well, here's a few examples:

1) the overlord, they've both faced the overlord alone and they damn well know how terrifying it is having the weight of the entire world on your shoulders

2) loving thier fathers, and having to watch thier legacies be destroyed, Sensei Garmadon's sacrifice was all for nothing when Harumi brought back the evil side of him, and all of Julien's good work was now sorta in bad name because of the Nindroid army, after all the nindroid army was based on Zane's design, which was made by Julien

3) both are scared of what they might become, in Season 11 Lloyd is scared that he might becomes like his father, an Oni, which is one of the reasons he hates embracing his Oni side so much in Crystalized, and Zane is scared of becoming just lines of code (personal interpretation is that it's the Ice Emperor, the Staff's influence and Vex's manipulation basically render him a set of lines of codes, constantly repeating the same cycle of attacking innocents and trapping them in his ice)

4) they've both died, Zane god knows how many times and Lloyd briefly in March of the Oni (shared death expiernces hellll yeaaaah)

This headcanon is a hill I'm willing to die on proudly

- on the topic of the nindroid army actually, Nindroid hate SKYROCKETED during Rebooted, and Zane wasn't spared that hate, fortunately for him and unfortunately, most of the hate went away after he sacrificed himself, yeah he might be fuckin dead but hey at least the word nindroid now isn't ruined anymore!

- has a sort of secret agreement with Kai of looking out for each other constantly, while Kai is a goofball at most times, he and Kai both are extremely serious about protecting their family, thus they understand each other super well, if Zane needs to have a serious talk with anyone, it's not Wu or Cole or anyone else he goes to, it's Kai, and vice versa

- stays up the entire night sometimes because he's having an existential crisis about how he's gonna outlive all his friends and loved ones, have fun with that one

- and now for a rapid fire set of HCs when it comes to his relationship with the other ninja:

Lloyd - a little brother he has to protect at all costs

Cole - the best costumer he could ask for, if Zane opened a restaurant Cole would be there every single day, will cook 5 cakes for Cole's birthday

Nya - tech and fighting bestie, Nya used to be Samurai-X so she knows her way around technology, as such they love talking about the latest stuff from Borg, also fighting besties, aside from their elements working well together (and especially if Kai is there, helping melt Zane's ice for Nya to control) they also are the most dangerous and well coordinated duo on the team, they will bust out fighting moves like it's nothing, and they are especially good at pinching their enemies and overwhelming them with constant attacks

Kai - mature brother he can trust at all times without hesitation, they both easily have the most shared secrets out of everyone, a testament to show how much they look out for each other

Jay - video games and random talks bestie, Zane has no issue spending hours at a time just to listen to Jay talk about anything cuz he genuinely finds it fun, plus it kills the time if there's nothing better to do

Wu - Wu still has a soft spot for Zane (bring back that season 1 and 2 dynamic writers c'mon), and Wu has special tasks reserved for him, and some secrets as well (Lloyd and Cole also have soft spots in Wu's heart)

PIXAL - do I seriously need to explain PIXAL? I mean fuck she's literally the love of his life, she understands him more then anyone im the world, and she knows everything about him thanks to living in his head for a while (vice versa with how he knows everything about her since she lived in his head), she's also the one to repair him most of the time (and again vice versa), the love for each other goes way beyond a nomal relationship because they just understand each other so well, and if harm falls on any of one of them, the cookie will indeed, crumble like a stack of playing cards

Oh and also vehicle building besties loool

[hallucinateships]

"can you feel my lovebuzz?"

kurt 　 adam 　 dylan 　 eric

14 year old fanfic writer　　𓏴

non human　　:　　vampirekin , angelkin , zombiekin , godkin , therian.

heavily disordered　　:　　narcissistic personality disorder , borderline personality disorder , autism , did , adhd , complex ptsd , amnesia / memory loss , psychosis , depression , anxiety , experiences delusions and hallucinations , insomnia , substance abuse disorder , schizophrenia , "obsessive love disorder" , anti-contact paraphile.

fandoms i will post to　　:　　saw (2004-2010 + 2023) , scream (mainly 1996) , motley crue , guns n roses , natural born killers , brooklyn nine nine , twilight , it , two broke girls , the good place , kiss , zero day , bon jovi.

heads up　　:　　most of my saw fics are based on turnipodditys chainshipping art, godsplatters coffinshipping art, and bathroomtrapped 3dshipping art, make sure to check them all out.

tw / cw　　:　　due to heavy amounts of trauma , that i will not be sharing , i post dead dove do not eat fics - with proper warnings. fics can and most likely will include sexual content , violence , drug / substance (abuse) , and triggering topics of course (s/h , sa , ect).

dni　　:　　i have no dni. please block me if i fit yours though, and i block freely based on how i see fit. although i have certain stances that will make certain people on tumblr pissy, such as: i am anti endo , anti-transid/radqueer/goodfaith , i may be a paraphile but i do not consider acting on my thoughts and i believe in NOT legalizing harming ones or ones that cannot consent.

[anfeycare]

hello! welcome to my blog!

💙 support my projects on Ko-fi or Patreon!

💙 send things or see more info here!

✨🌹🌻 [coming soon] 🌼🌷✨

💙 my art tag here is "#anfey care"!

💙 other links: ✨ here ✨

MY MOST IMPORTANT RAMBLINGS

🖤 i don't believe in concepts like "ugly" and "dumb"

🖤 i'm against generative A.I.s and N.F.T.s

🖤 i don't allow reuploads, only reblogs of my posts

i'm Anfey Care, a queer non-binary artist and writer! i go by gender neutral words only (as for pronouns: "they/them" — "ê/elu/-e" in portuguese)

i enjoy art and science. i'm a fan of lots of things, specially Undertale, Dead Plate, Married in Red, Cold Front, The Picture of Dorian Gray, Omori, and Adventure Time! i'm brazilian, too. you're welcome to follow me if you enjoy:

art, pixel art, animation;

books, comics, mangas;

cuteness, horror, comedy;

games, music;

indie, alternative things;

queer, LGBT+, gay stuff;

shows, cartoons, animes;

thought-provoking stuff;

nerdy things in general!

i'm fairly silly, quite gay, and very nerd!

nice to meet ya!

( ^ ꒳ ^ ) [cute face smiling*]

(*i can use text in brackets like this to describe text emojis for screen readers; similarly, i can use text in brackets preceded by a slash as tone indicators, such as: [/silly] )

🐾 ooo, look! you found a boop post! 🐾

💙✨ about me: ✨

besides being a silly gay queer nerd artist and writer, i'm atypical, a furry, a fan-enby of a bunch of characters, an adult and a game dev. i'm an introverted, shy, and asocial person. somewhat antisocial too; sometimes i can be completely silent and spend weeks alone when too overwhelmed from socialization. (i'm INFP and pisces, but i don't take these seriously, although i can relate at times)

i'm completely atheist. i don't mind religion, even if i might take it as stories and thoughts, but i just don't mind as long as it isn't fanatic christian stuff — i was raised around these people and it got me very tired of those things.

i graduated on a game development technical course i took along with high school (public education, got in through an entrance exam, got in first place on the classification list), and i'm often studying things on my own, like languages. i draw, design, paint, conceptualize, illustrate, make pixel art, research, edit, write, and can animate and code too — sometimes i also try music, acting, photography, and cosplay. i'm still working on being an indie game dev; for now, i'm mainly an artist and writer

as for how i identify as LGBT+, i'm queer as in all pan a-spec atractions-wise. gender-wise, i identify as pangender, which in my case includes agender; i'm transneutral and non-binary (and — it's obvious but just to mention — gender non-conforming). i usually put it all in short by just saying i'm a queer enby, or a pan a-spec enby, but i don't shy away from just saying i'm gay (as in i'm definitely not straight)

as an enby, i'm also dionysian (more often known as diamoric), and any kind of relationship with me would be called this — 'cause they'd have an enby (me) in them. you could call me almost anything from the LGBTQ+ definitions and that'd still be almost fitting, but if you were to call me something accurately fitting, that's queer, pan a-spec, diamoric/dionysian and enby, heheh

i could be considered legally blind, as i can't see anything a few inches away from my face without glasses (8 degrees in each lens, but i've been needing a new prescription for some years... couldn't afford it yet). i suspect i might be neurodivergent (ADHD, ASPD and autistic, mainly), and i have lots of symptoms of depression, anxiety and C-PTSD, but also can't afford to look into those. (funny fact: i managed to get in a psychology college earlier in 2024, and for a good while was studying psychology there before even being able to go see a psychologist-) (i still do deep researches about those topics of mental health)

from the way i understand relationships and concepts related to it and to living in society — understandings that have some connections to my pan a-spec (includes asocial) pangender agender way of being —, i'm also non-monogamous in attractions and beliefs. i could be either in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationships romantically, though. i'd do fine in any, i can adapt quite well to who i love and/or like and care about! it could even be an undefined relationship — it all would be up to who i'd be with. (i'd develop an attachment, and even a hyperfixation on them, too, which would make it even easier for me to adapt,,, anyways-)

i know spanish and french, besides portuguese and english. i don't have a lot of practice with those other two languages, but i can understand them well (speaking portuguese helps, heh). i still want to learn more languages — for now, i'm also studying japanese, LIBRAS and ASL from time to time

i aim for diversity, inclusion and equity, specially for my games. that's a reason why i study a lot, and that's also why i want to make most of my creations available for free. and that's why i encourage you to give me support if you want, as it helps it all to be free of charge, and can give you a custom art or some cool extra things for a low tip!

i'm interested in:

Undertale;

Rot in Paradise;

Dead Plate;

Married in Red;

Elevator Hitch;

Cold Front;

Bittersweet Sentence;

Eloquent Countenance;

The Picture of Dorian Gray;

The Owl House;

Omori;

Revolutionary Girl Utena;

Deltarune;

Dracula;

Adventure Time;

She-ra and the Princesses of Power;

KinitoPET;

My Little Pony;

Sonic;

Don't Hug Me I'm Scared;

Welcome Home;

Puella Magi Madoka Magica;

Studio Investigrave in general;

and the Daycare attendant from FNAF

i also like to roleplay/perform as characters at times, and used to play D&D, besides liking the RPG genre in videogames itself

as you see, i'm all over the place — i'm not completely organized, and i allow myself to let some things be messy (like tags); it's what works best for me, as far as i noticed

i like lots of things! and, though i enjoy horror, i don't make much art of this kind. plus, i create original stories, art, and characters of my own, like Safey — they're my mascot persona, and they're the fox creature on the pixel art by the start of this blog post. i have a bunch of projects i develop on my own, including ideas of comics and games! and sometimes i write poems, generally in portuguese, but i mix languages and write in english at times

i usually make cute things! whenever i happen to make something scary or with sensitive topics, i let it with the warnings i think it needs. personally, i'm positive about NSFW topics, specially sexual-related ones, in regular conditions. however, i very rarely allude to NSFW — if anything, it can be there as subtext, if i ever even include anything like that at all. to my mind, these are not NSFW, but either way: i do enjoy artistic nude art, i do like philosophically/sociologically/literarily analytical thoughts and texts that could be about/related to sexual topics, and i also do like (well, you know) horror. i take a different approach on my own art that's around these, but you can avoid it if i ever make it due to the warnings, and i hope you will use the warnings' opportunity to avoid it if you're sensitive or just don't want to see it.

overall, specially for other people like me, i want my space to be a safe space

Undertale, Dead Plate, and Married in Red are my most favorite pieces of media, so i'm drawn towards them most of the time. for the characters in those respectively, Flowey and Sans, Vincent, and Bok-su are my favorites (i know, they're the popular ones... sorry, heh, i genuinely love them)

nice to meet you, and i hope you will like what i create!

thanks for reading!

see ya! ( ^ ꒳ ^ ) [cute face smiling]

[alpimerealmsystem]

About Us!

To start this off, we're a RAMCOA and mixed origins system, that bothers you? Feel free to leave

Now that that's over with, hi! Nice to meet ya, welcome to the chaos. The main side who runs this blog is Manik, he's an Angel Dust fictive from Hazbin Hotel and goes by any pronouns :) He's our front anchor and host, and we rely on him for a lot of stability in the system. Another host we have is Kringe, although he's mostly in co-con, he may fuck around here sometimes tho!

Our system origins are fucking weird but we're a distorpid system + esogenic + gateway + delusionbased + HC-DID + cephaloconcious system however even though we are an HC-DID system we still just call ourselves endogenic because it's easier and fits us better. We have a duplex system (sharing a system completely, our "innerworld" is the same) with our honorary sibling @oxygenatedbots

About the system - We're a system of 800+ as of last updated, but our system is forever growing and we consider it to be eternal. We also are uncomfortable with the terms alters/headmates being used for us due to our origins and prefer the terms sides/sysmates when referring to us. Of course, you can also just use our names. Most sides originate due to spirtual beliefs but we believe trauma has also majorly influenced our system, with that being said, we are primarily endogenic and have decided we have been plural for a good while, but when we did "split" we were going through extreme trauma, so really we don't know what we split from but we do believe you dont have to split from trauma. Oh, also please don't use the word "innerworld" when referring to us! Call it Alpime or the Inneruniverse, thanks!

DM me asking for a cat pic to cheer you up, I shall deliver

SEND ME ASKS FOR STUFF YOU WANT ME TO TALK ABOUT. We'll post poetry, short stories, alterhumanity, non-humanity and system related things if ya ask!

Pronouns ~ Collectively He/They/Thrive/Grow/Way/Path//Point/World/Cosmo/Void/Planet/Star/Moon/Night/Astro/Dark/Shadow/Spirit/Glow/Glimpse/Ghost/Fade/Dreary/Corrupt/Virus/Hack/Glitch/Music/Song

Kintypes ~ Voidkin and snow leopard therian. (But I will say, our voidkin identity is heavily influenced on being a plural system)

About me ~ The body is minor so please be aware of that. Anyways I'm a proud mom to three cats, love them all equally (we know that's a lie) we can't get any diagnosises due to our own situation irl however we are self diagnosed with a lot- so here's the full list. DID, anxiety, depression, OCD, NPD, BPD, schizophrenia, autism and ADHD. BPD and OCD tend to collectively be shared across the system to a more extreme extent, but specifically OCD, and we all tend to experience both of those very similarly. We consider ourselves mentally and physically disabled, even though we can't get a diagnosis for anything due to personal reasons we know at least we are limited in a lot of areas. About the physical disability we don't know exactly what it is but we experience constant lightheadedness and sometimes blurry vision and it genuinely negatively impacts our daily life

Posting schedule ~ we post poems sometimes! Depends on motivation levels and how busy we are but that's actually why we started this blog! and then depending on other shit sometimes we'll do short stories, system posts and alterhumanity related posts. Yes this blog is chaotic, yes atm it's mainly reblogs, no we don't give a fuck.

Stuffs I write ~ I write a lot of darker topics in my poetry such as us ruining the world, mental health, etc. I do put trigger warnings on some of my posts so please keep this in mind y'all. About my short stories, I wrote partially just fiction stuff or I may start with a prompt. The other half of the stuff I write is going to be werewolf/Lycanthropy/therianthropy themed!

DNI ~ Idgaf who interacts anymore, if I don't like you I'll block you but just be aware of our identities and apply your DNI to us, if we're in it get the fuck out. We're probably that freak in your DNI anyways (totally stolen from a friend, love ya!)

Misc ~ PLEASE GIVE ME RECOMMENDATIONS!!! Feel free to *flood* my inbox with requests, I will get to them! I'd seriously love to know what y'all want for short stories and poetry! If you give me a recommendation it will be a bonus post and not one of my daily things! Spam likes are fine, welcome, and appreciated! It's always great to know what y'all enjoy. Feel free to ask as many questions as you want about my writing and also criticise me! I'm totally welcome to take y'all's advice and I'd love to improve on my work! Also feel free to send me drafts for poems, I will make them my own style and give you full credit for the ideas and how it was executed ^^

About the blog-ish: Different sides may post certain things, some will leave sign offs, others won't, but be aware of this. My blog is not a place of hate or to discriminate, I want this to be a safe space. Do not come to my blog being a bitch, or saying my beliefs are not valid, or saying other's beliefs are not valid. I will block anyone who says stuff like that. This blog is centered around writing, alterhumanity and system shit. If I fuck some info up in a post TELL ME. I do research everything but I've had some angry people dming me, please politely say I messed up info and don't scream at me. I am trying my best, but my best isn't always perfectly accurate. I primarily speak from my own experiences but when I don't I'm relying on the beautiful thing we call the Internet and opinions vary on here. I want to make my content as accurate and relatable as possible so please do tell me if I mess up. This blog also mentions mental health and trauma occasionally so typically I do put TWs. Anyways, that's all! Love ya!

I need friends, feel free to reach out (especially if a system, would love more system friends. Also only minors, bc the body is sadly

I think that's it, thanks!

Last updated ~ April 4, 2024 - Manik