#also. this reminds me that I REALLY have to give Universe 2 the same treatment soon.

[a-simple-spiders-oc-dump]

some basics about the ocs from The Realm/Universe 1

UPDATE!!!! AS OF AUGUST 2023, THIS PAGE NO LONGER MATCHES THE CURRENT CANON PRECISELY. A LOT OF ELEMENTS PERSIST INTO THE REVISED CANON, BUT YOU SHOULD NOT USE THIS AS THE PRIMARY SOURCE OF INFORMATION FOR THESE GUYS. SEE THE UPDATED CHARACTER INFO PAGE FOR UP-TO-DATE INFORMATION ON THESE CHARACTERS.

(so I learned today that pages don't show up on tumblr mobile even if you link directly to them??? which means the page I spent two solid days making that clarified the concepts of Universe 1 and described (nearly) every character in the story was completely inaccessible to people on mobile???? tumblr is a functional website, lol. I'm copying over all the info into this post so everyone can see it now - the page will still be there for those who look at my blog on desktop tho!!)

(info under the cut!!)

The Realm/Universe 1: Basically, a very young goddess fucked up when making herself a friend. Said friend started a war by making a pact with interdimensional demons and sacrificing her face, the goddess was too young to make herself an army to fight said war, so she started letting dead teenagers into her world to fight for her. This was, by all accounts, a terrible decision. 

Notable Terms: 

Authors - Someone with power over a Realm. Name is a shortened version of the word “authority”. They look like normal people in their home worlds, but are reality-warping gods in their Realms. They can either be born this way (Founding Authors) or can be turned into an Author by a different Author (Inherited Authors). If an Author dies and hasn’t selected anyone to be their ‘heir’, their Realm crumbles and dies. Has some variations - Alice, for example, refers to herself as an ‘Authoress’ as a more fancy and feminine version of the title - though ‘Author’ itself is considered a gender-neutral term. 

Realms - Miniature universes created by an Author’s birth, sometimes considered to be the Author’s twin. They are sentient to some extent, though are so different from most lifeforms that they cannot communicate aside from puppeteering creatures (usually Creations) to do their bidding. Their Author(s) keeps them stable, and if the Author dies, they do too. The majority of the story takes place in one of these Realms (exceptions being prequel short stories). 

Creations - Living creatures made by Authors to serve a specific role in their Realms. Think of them as biological robots. Creations are given a 'purpose’ by their Author that forms the backbone of their identities, which can range from specific tasks they must fulfil to simply live however they choose. Aside from that, they can look like practically anything. 

Breaks - Hive monsters that spawn in the void between worlds, meant to be one part training and one part punishment for Authors who break the Unspoken Rules (which are unspoken because no one really knows what they are). They can form pacts with Real creatures as well as Creations to grant them powers in exchange for the individual becoming the focal point of their hive mind, and want nothing more than to devour Realms from the insides out. 

Characters in The Realm/Universe 1 include: (copied from my main blog lmao) 

some warnings: mentions of death, abuse, school shootings, human experimentation, murder, bullying, car crashes and suicide. none of these will be discussed in depth (outside of the death part, since I will be mentioning how each of Alice’s soldiers died), and will only be briefly mentioned, but I felt it was worth adding this warning nonetheless. let me know if there’s anything else I should add to this warnings list, and I’ll make sure to add that warning both to this and any future piece that may contain that particular content.

(also, please note that even after all this time, a lot of these guys don’t have fully solid designs - I’m more of a writer than an artist and character designs don’t mean much when you’re not using a visual medium lol. I do want to give those ocs with less solid looks permanent designs in the future, but for now???? ehhhhhhhhhhhh I’d rather focus on the writing part lmao) 

Lydia:

Age: 16

Role in the story: Protagonist

Appearance: Chubby girl with long, wavy blonde hair, warm-toned beige skin and blue eyes. Around 5'5-5'8. Wears a long, loose grey t-shirt with cut-out shoulders and a distinctive blue butterfly design with diamond-like wings on the bottom-left corner. This matches her prized necklace, which always hangs around her neck on a long chain, and her hairclip that pins the left side of her hair out of her eyes.

Rapid-fire personality info: -The latest person to get trapped in the Realm

-Wanted to be a therapist when she grew up and loves to read books on psychology and mental health for fun

-Very dedicated to helping others, even at the expense of her own health - definitely fits the “paragon” archetype and will do anything if she thinks it’s for the good of those around her

-Good at reading people - can be a surprisingly good liar when she wants to be due to this

-Bad at hiding her emotions, and cries any time she gets too emotional in general

-Just wants things to be okay and for everyone to be safe and sound. This is a much more complicated goal than it sounds, but by god is she gonna do her best to achieve it

-Has the ability to see the memories of others through her dreams. Big side effect is that whatever memory she brings up will be re-lived by the memory’s owner while she does so, and considering almost everyone in the Realm has some sort of trauma, she needs to be careful what she makes them re-live

-Died in a car crash

Gamma:

Age: 8 (behaves as though he’s an adult)

Role in the story: Secondary character, a mentor figure for Lydia; an integral figure in the backstory (also basically a secondary protagonist at this point - if the story isn’t from Lydia’s perspective, it’s probably from Gamma’s instead) 

Appearance: Tall (around 6'7-6'10), extremely pale (to the point where other characters’ narrations have remarked he looks like he’s never gone out in the sun in his life), and muscular by necessity for his job. Has black hair that’s always slicked back to his head and golden eyes that never blink with noticeable dark circles underneath. Wears a black suit with a white dress shirt and golden tie underneath. While the suit repairs itself after an attack, the lapels and wrists of his sleeves are permanently tattered due to the amount of battles he’s been in. His skin on his arms and legs is a slightly different shade from the skin on his head and torso.

Rapid fire info: -A Creation who acts as Alice’s bodyguard and assistant; has done a really good job at keeping her alive considering the circumstances

-Also in charge of the transportation of the dead teenagers from their world to the Realm; most of the soldiers don’t like associating with him due to this fact, and a good chunk of them outright despise him

-Reserved, serious, and excessively secretive

-Constantly researching things like anthropology, sociology, psychology and history just for fun, since he finds Earth absolutely fascinating

-One of the few people Alice respects as an equal, due to their long history together, which according to Gamma, includes her saving his life numerous times

-Has been through Some Shit before the wars even began

-Blames himself when things go wrong, almost as a reflex

-Seems to have some odd powers that it’s assumed Alice gave him, since he’s much stronger than a normal human and has a tendency to know things he really has no right knowing (this is due to mind-reading powers he can’t fully turn off. fun fact - he thought reading minds was a Normal Human Experience and got so freaked out when he realized it wasn’t that it led to him suppressing the ability as much as he could manage. Some whispers still come through, but he’s trying his best.)

-Though his main goal is to protect Alice and the Realm, he also wants to keep the soldiers alive, since he seems to hold them in very high regard. This doesn’t always work out.

-Basically became one of Lydia’s mentors by accident and is secretly terrified of disappointing or harming her in any way, since she’s one of the few humans who actually seems to be alright with having him around and he really doesn’t want to lose his only friend who isn’t a kid-shaped Eldritch Abomination made of wax-adjacent flesh. 

-this man has so much going on with him I swear to fuck. he’ll probably be in a LOT of the prompt fills lmao

Mikayla:

Age: 4 (behaves as though she’s in her late teens/early twenties)

Role in the story: Primary antagonist; an integral figure in the backstory

Appearance: Has replaced her face with a white, porcelain mask decorated with red swirls, and does not appear to have any hair. Her skin tone matches Alice’s - pale like candle wax - though it’s mostly covered by a long, hooded, ivory cloak and the black, veined bodysuit underneath that holds her body together as she regenerates. She’s probably around 5'8-5'11.

Rapid fire info: -Alice’s Creation, meant to be the perfect friend; turned on her after learning about the massive power imbalance they had, along with a certain incident that happened several years before her creation.

-Cut off her face to seal her pact with the Breaks, who gave her regenerative powers and limited ability to use portals; now wears a porcelain mask as a replacement face, and uses similar doll-like prosthetics when her limbs need to regenerate, more for the sake of beauty than anything

-Extremely manipulative, and does not take being told “no” well

-Switches personas on a whim, going from calm and collected to rage-fueled screaming on a hair trigger when she thinks it will keep people in line, all the while feeling nothing but calm boredom

-A massive control freak; cannot stand when her plans go awry

-Has a personal grudge against Alice, since Mikayla views Alice simply being alive as both a threat and an insult, and Gamma, since he was instrumental in stopping her original assassination attempt

Alice:

Age: 14

Role in the story: Secondary character; an integral figure in the backstory

Appearance: Takes the form of an adorable young girl the majority of the time, with skin that both looks and feels oddly reminiscent of candle wax, owlish brown eyes and straight black hair that falls to her waist. She wears an opulent, knee-length dress reminiscent of a kid’s princess/queen costume. It has a square neckline, puffed sleeves with strips of brown fabric falling to her wrists, corset lacing in the shape of a heart on her stomach, a grey sash tied around her waist in a bow on her back, and brown skirt split in the center to reveal layers of translucent yellow fabric, surrounded by gold embroidery.

Rapid fire info: -Created the Realm and has god-like powers of reality-warping and creation; she refuses to let anyone forget either of these facts.

-Childish, and acts either cheerful or annoyed about 90% of the time

-Callous and selfish, often disregarding human suffering as ‘not her problem’ despite being one of the two people bringing them to her world in the first place

-Experiments with her powers for fun, most common experiment being the creation of a living creature without really paying attention and then taking it apart while it’s still alive to see what she got wrong.

-Has a marked dislike for adults (outside of Gamma, who looks and behaves like one), refusing to allow them into her home; she’d likely do this for all humans if not for the current situation

-Hates admitting things that she sees as a blight on her reputation as an Author (i.e. caring about people, feeling emotions other than joy and rage, wanting to do things other than create, being wrong, etc.)

-Morphs into a much less friendly looking version of herself when pissed off, and is prone to having her skin melt like she’s a wax figure when sufficiently annoyed. Even in her ‘normal’ form, her skin is noticeably cold, as though she’s a living corpse, and she often grins with a few more teeth than humans should have.

-She’s basically a weird little girl given god-like powers by chance and then let loose on the multiverse

Cynthia:

Age: 17

Role in the story: Secondary character, mentor figure for Lydia; an integral figure in the backstory

Appearance: No solid outfit design just yet. (Her old outfit was designed when I was around 14/15 years old and included a t-shirt that said ’#SWAG’ on it. I wish I was joking.) What I know for now is she has olive-toned skin and a bob hair cut, dyed a dark blue/indigo, along with grey, almost silver eyes. She likely has a muscular build out of necessity, and probably wears something simple and easy to move in in case of a surprise attack.

Rapid fire info: -Co-leader of the Soldier’s Camp; also one of the very first humans in the Realm

-Used to be sweet and somewhat sarcastic but watching people die has made her withdraw to the point that she’s extremely stoic

-Asked Alice to remove her memories of her past life during the First Break War so they wouldn’t hold her back; some suspect Alice took a little more than just that

-Hard to read, and comes off as cold to most people, only opening up to Dylan since they went through the First Break War together, forming a tight bond along the way

-Focuses mostly on strategy, supplies and upkeep of the camp while Dylan takes care of the human element. Extremely practical, to the point of requesting a murphy bed for her bedroom so she could use it as an office (with her reasoning being, “there’s no point in having two separate rooms when one could serve the same purpose.”) 

-Almost all the soldiers see her as the Realm’s ultimate authority figure - especially considering Dylan’s laid back attitude and Alice being… well, Alice - though some (like Morgan and Sydney) aren’t afraid to talk back to her if they feel like it

Dylan:

Age: 17

Role in the story: Secondary character, mentor figure for Lydia

Appearance: No solid design just yet. What I know for now is that he has sepia/brown skin, short hair, and mostly wears a faded blue hoodie over a black t-shirt and a pair of navy blue jeans. (Outfit might change with time)

Rapid fire info: -Co-leader of the Soldier’s Camp

-Generally a relaxed, optimistic person who does his best to keep the morale of the camp high

-Helps newcomers get settled in the Camp, and acts as mediator for disagreements; some joke that he’s essentially the camp’s HR guy, or jokingly call him the “Camp’s Counsellor”.

-Most of the younger members look up to him like an older brother, and it’s a role he seems to suit incredibly well

-Doesn’t talk about his own problems much to avoid troubling people, though most are aware that he gets severe anxiety upon hearing gunshots and will warn him if a movie will contain them or if Troy’s planning on doing target practice

-One of the few who spoke with Gamma before they died; as such, he’s one of the few soldiers who isn’t all that intimidated by his presence, and often goes to speak with Alice and Gamma on the camp’s behalf

-Used to be in the swim team in his school and played in a band with his two best friends - Tyler and Kieran - since the beginning of high school (he did guitar and backup vocals). He was also often among the top five highest-scoring students in many of his classes. Unfortunately, most of these skills and achievements are completely useless in the Realm, much to his chagrin

-Died in a school shooting

Morgan:

Age: 18

Role in the story: Secondary character

Rapid fire info: -Medic for the Soldier’s Camp

Appearance: Has albinism, so her hair is a very pale grey (long, but often pulled back into a bun, with lash-grazing bangs), her skin is pale and pinkish, and her eyes are red (which is actually very uncommon for people with albinism, but considering her spite towards Alice, they may not have started off that colour…). She’s noticeably tall compared to the others - probably around 5'10 - 6'1. She wears a plain white t-shirt with pale grey jeans under a long, burgundy cardigan that falls to the back of her knees in a silhouette similar to a lab coat. Her fingers and lips are permanently discoloured from her death.

Rapid-fire personality info: -Both a soldier and the senior of the camp’s two medics

-Had a rough childhood where she was constantly pushed to be the best that burnt her out, and the First Break War left her completely jaded

-Known for her sharp tongue, harsh criticisms of others, and tendency to estimate to newcomers’ faces how long she thinks they’ll live - usually no longer than a month - giving her a ruthless reputation

-At the same time, she is the most skilled soldier the Realm has, considering her incredible combat skill and her high amount of medical knowledge, and she works tirelessly to maintain that status

-Has an ongoing feud with Sydney due to their clashing worldviews - Morgan believing Sydney’s a complete idiot who’s destined to get herself (and possibly others) killed with her thrill-seeking, Sydney believing Morgan’s a killjoy who’s dead set on making a shitty situation even shittier, especially for the newcomers who are already in an incredibly stressful position. Neither are entirely wrong, but neither are entirely right either

-Is unlikely friends with Trinity, doing whatever she can to keep the smaller medic from getting hurt

-Isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty if it ends the war faster

-Died of hypothermia

Sydney:

Age: 16

Role in the story: Secondary character

Appearance: Has sort of amber-toned skin that’s patched with burn scars from her death, most prominently covering much of the right side of her head and almost the entirety of her hands and forearms. Since the right side of her head can’t grow much hair anymore, her short brown hair is styled into a comb-over, and she has light brown, orange-toned eyes. Wears a black leather jacket over a yellow shirt (which likely has some sort of flame pattern on it that gets covered up by the jacket) and orange shorts with spiked studs on the left side, with purposefully-ripped black leggings underneath.

Rapid fire info: -A pyromaniac and former delinquent who fights with bats and flamethrowers

-The most Chaotic Good member of the team; more than willing to give the finger to any rules in the name of a good time, especially if it helps her friends

-Despite having the most prominent death-scars of any of Alice’s soldiers, she is barely self-conscious over her scars anymore and has a whole list of shitty puns for when she catches newcomers staring at them. After all, the majority of Alice’s soldiers have scars from their deaths - if her confidence can help the younger members accept their own scars, all the better. 

-An adrenaline junkie who genuinely enjoys fighting the Breaks for the rush, and is often doing stupid stunts to get that same rush during peaceful times; this kick-started her feud with Morgan

-Deals with bad situations/stress with shitty humor, or by indulging in her more destructive hobbies. Basically, she’s the “if I just keep moving at all times then my problems can never catch me!!” type. 

-Helps train newcomers alongside Dylan; newcomers often see her as a cool big sister figure, but don’t tend to look up to her as much as they look up to Dylan, thanks to Sydney being far more irresponsible in general. 

-Good friends with Troy and Bianca, and can often be found shirking her duties to play video games and watch movies with them

-Died in a house fire

Trinity:

Age: 13

Role in the story: Secondary character

Appearance: Looks even younger than her age, with many newcomers mistaking her for being 10 or 11. Has fawn, freckled skin, and dirty blonde hair that’s always pulled into a tight braid over her shoulder, along with deep green eyes. Wears a short/cuffed-sleeve, green button-up shirt with a darker green scarf covering her entire neck, and khaki shorts with cuffs that just barely scrape the tops of her knees.

Rapid fire info: -A girl who turned out to be a medical prodigy, brought into the Realm when they needed medics most - which is all very convenient, isn’t it? :) As of the 'present day’ in story, she’s the junior of the two medics. 

-Extremely timid around people - especially strangers - due to a history of bullying, but takes comfort in helping others and is prone to showing a more confident side of herself when doing her job due to the sense of agency it provides her

-Since she’s easily the youngest and most fragile member of the camp, all of Alice’s soldiers are extremely protective of her, doing whatever they can to keep her away from danger - Morgan especially so

-Much like Lydia, she tries to help the others through their issues; however, due to their protectiveness over her, Trinity has a much harder time getting people to open up

-Tries to push Morgan to be less of an asshole; this works, but barely and only when Trinity’s around

-Very self conscious of the bruise on her neck left by her death, often hiding it with a green scarf that also acts as something of a comfort item to her

-Died after falling out of a tree

Troy:

Age: 15

Role in the story: Secondary character

Appearance: I’ll be honest, I have basically nothing for this kid. I know he probably has shaggy ginger hair, and pale, freckled skin. He’s also probably pretty scrawny. That’s it. That’s all I’ve got for now. I kind of just imagine him as your average freshman tbh, lol

Rapid fire info: -Bianca’s twin brother

-The Realm’s only marksman, due to both how close-quarters Break combat tends to be, and due to Alice not wanting to constantly be using her energy to create bullets (and also to limit the amount of people who can kill her from long-range, should that ever become a problem)

-Prefers machines and weapons to people; can often be found playing video games or doing target practice with his hunting rifle

-Has a bit of social anxiety not helped by Bianca pushing people away from the two of them

-Knows he’s a bit boring compared to his sister and their best friend (Sydney), and it bothers him constantly, but he does his best not to let it show

-Knows that Bianca has issues due to their deaths, but doesn’t know just how bad those issues are

-Generally just wants to make the best of the shitty situation he and his sister have been dropped in and stop the wars for good

-Died by being stabbed three times in the chest

Bianca:

Age: 15

Role in the story: Secondary character

Appearance: Has shoulder-length, ginger hair often pulled into two short pigtails, along with pale, freckled skin and green eyes. Wears a large headbow shaped like a bat, along with a short-sleeved, almost retro-looking, knee-length, plain black dress with a red belt. The belt holds a large pocket knife, as well as a small sack full of throwing knives, in case of an emergency.

Rapid fire info: -Troy’s twin sister

-She and Troy were killed in the same incident, and she had to watch him die. Due to this, she’s extremely over-protective of him and deeply paranoid that anyone around them may turn out to be a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

-Has held people she sees as threats to him at knife point, but never followed through with her threats when called on her bluff

-Acts cheerful and air-headed around other members of the camp despite this; it’s half a ploy to get them to underestimate her, half her genuine self

-Has a fixation on knives as a result of her death, seeing them as something powerful, but only as long as they’re in her hands. If anyone else wields a knife against her, she panics.

-Was just beginning to really experiment with aesthetics when she died, and while keeping her brother around is her number-one priority, she loves to DIY new decorations for her cabin and often requests different clothing from Alice

-Died by being stabbed multiple times in the abdomen

Sinclair:

Age: 16

Role in the story: Secondary antagonist

Appearance: Dresses more like they’re from an RPG than the same Earth Alice’s soldiers came on. They wear a long, dark brown cloak over a tube top made to look like bandages (since actually wrapping your chest with bandages is No Good), held together in the front with a long red belt with a replica of Mikayla’s mask as the clasp. They also wear black pants that are ragged at the hem, and black fingerless gloves. Has long brown hair that’s been cut unevenly and is often matted, brown eyes, and light, almost ashy-looking skin. More lean than muscular, though they are surprisingly strong.

Rapid fire info: -Mikayla’s first attempt at recruiting a human soldier

-Deeply infatuated with Mikayla, who has used drugs, isolation and good old fashioned emotional and mental manipulation to keep them that way. (things will get better for them as the story goes on tho)

-Very theatrical, and presents themself as a half-demon sorcerer; they spend much of their time working on their presentation and are often disappointed when people don’t treat them with the gravitas they expect.

-Genuinely believes Alice’s human soldiers were all created by her and are video game NPCs at most and mere illusions at least

-Despite this, they’re pretty ineffectual without Mikayla’s directly influencing their actions, since they don’t seem to actually want to kill anyone and greatly enjoy one-sided rivalries with Alice’s soldiers

-Yells a lot for no good reason

-An absolute shitpost of a human being

-Died by stabbing themself

[transformers-mosaic]

Transformers: Multiverse #24 - "The Connection - Part 1"

Originally posted on September 13th, 2013

Story - Adam White Art - Joe Teanby Colours - Laura Holy Letters - Franco Villa

deviantART

wada sez: On deviantART, Joe Teanby explained this strip’s place in canon: “Adam's story is fantastic as not only does it fill in / add to the story of the first movie, but he fleshed out the characters. He also decided to give the robots a more recognisable look, and in doing so created a merging of the different Transformers universes.” The name of the location of the movie’s final battle, “Mission City”, has been changed to an anagram, per Villa: “Simmion City instead of Mission City is a writer's choice to make clear that this is an alternate universe.” Adam White offered a more extended commentary, which I’ve mirrored below alongside the clean inks and an Italian translation. Check back tomorrow for Part 2!

This was never written as a "what if" alternative reality (as much as any other stories I have seen here) but I ended up changing the city title as I figured the art choices had forced the story into that direction. . . . .  but the reality of the writing is a bit different. . . . and this looks like a good enough thread to explain those artistic choices.

When I thought up the story, I immediately envisioned the standard movie-verse, with all it's quirks and visual traits. The problem was that the two leads I had for this were arguably amongst the most throwaway of the Autobot movie characters and, unlike movie-Megs, lacked that depth of character for me to care about that incarnation of them. The cons? They seemed to have stronger elements to them. . . . so they were left to anchor the story more in Bay-land.

The reason fans got so (rightly) annoyed about Jazz's treatment was because they weren't responding to "a movie bot" dying, but a mix of what Jazz means to them (g1/animated/g2/comics/so on) and, when I started to sketch out my hideous roughs, that mix of incarnations popped up in what I actually assumed was his movie look.

So I then gave Joe and Laura the huge challenge to blend those rather characterless designs for movie Ratchet and Jazz, with G1 elements. I was amazed at what they did, and gained so much from seeing how they got their heads around that and ended up with just the right balance.

As much as I am overjoyed with the results of the team, I am even more thrilled that everyone seems to have excepted these hybrids for the characters they are. Yes, Ratchet looks different, but you can also accept its a movie-Ratchet because of the situation he is in. A credit to the team, I think!

A final note on the name. I actually hadn't added a location ident to the start of the script and Franco kindly added one during lettering. Seeing it reminded me 1) How much I hated the bland name 2) How much I really hated the dumb name. . . . . so I tweaked it in the same style that the character designs had been. :-)

[autisticandroids]

Post about the fanfic you just read when you come back

thank you for the reminder. anyway ok so i just reread this fic i really like called 25¢ pocket guardian angels by hopelessheathen (well, actually, i listened to the podfic by gravelly, which is very good and lovingly made).

and it's like, it's an au fic. it's not really a comment on canon except insofar as it's a pretty interesting spin on/not exactly deconstruction of but.... complex engagement with? the born sexy yesterday trope, which could kind of be useful as a source of comparison since born sexy yesterday is... pretty unavoidable? with deancas fic? like the fic absolutely participates in the trope but also like, plays with it a lot. not in ways that necessarily make it less icky, if anything it's arguably more icky, but it's really interesting and fun.

BUT! it also stands on its own as like... a really fascinating little scifi story or fairytale? i say scifi because narratively parts of it are very in line with the scifi short story conventions of like... hey what if this thing happened? ok bye. even though the story is very much fantasy.

but the thing that most intrigues me about it is actually the worldbuilding. i'm gonna put this under a cut because it spoils the fic, and imo this is like, worth reading unspoiled. it's only like 15k, and there's a good podfic that's a little more than an hour. just check it out.

anyway. the thing i'm obsessed with is like. the LIFECYCLE. of the angel creatures. like, ecologically speaking.

so like

they start as eggs in a gumball machine, and they telepathically scan passersby until they sense someone with a caretaking (and anxious/guilt-prone?) personality who will see them and immediately freak out and disrupt their own life + cause a huge scene by spending half an hour pumping quarters into the machine

they then induce this person to raise them to maturity

once they have matured, they mate with that person. this isn't explicitly stated to be the inevitable result, maybe cas is just weird, but the implication of the ending is i think that there will be eventual charlieanna, because 1) it's given the same sort of easter eggy treatment that background femslash get in slashfics, and 2) charlie was the person who found anna, and charlie's main canonical personality treat is "likes women." so i take that to mean that generally speaking once it has matured the angel mates with its caretaker

it lays eggs in a new gumball machine and abandons them to be raised by a suitable human (the abandonment may not be universal but given the fact that the eggs seek out humans to parent them the way that they do, it seems like it's the usual method)

like these creatures are half cuckoo, half succubus. they're not exactly brood parasites because they eventually mate with their caretakers (although cas offering to leave implies that that doesn't always happen, sometimes they leave their caretakers and take other mates. in that case they are definitely brood parasites). and they certainly take advantage of human parenting instincts to propagate themselves. like they're a parasite on humans as a species which is like. i'm obsessed with the concept.

plus i'm constantly wondering like... how long these creatures have existed. the first gumball machine was patented in 1907, and they need those to lay eggs, so that gives us a hard limit, but also like... dean finds nothing about the angels online. and he isn't exactly secretive about where cas came from, he has PICTURES. he tells EVERYBODY. so like, was cas the first? or maybe was his parent the first? i just. i think about it a lot.

[captnjacksparrow]

SNS Dynamics - Sasuke's Perspective

Lengthy post ahead

On completing my rewatch of Naruto part I and part II, many things which never made sense started to make sense. One among them is the relationship between Naruto and Sasuke. I used to ask why Naruto is going so far for Sasuke. And why Sasuke is helping out Naruto even though he wants to kill him. And I used to think that Episode 478 was retconned to make the final battle ends in a draw and Sasuke somehow made to reconcile with the titular character. Yet, I instinctively felt, ‘Something is very different about them’. But on careful rewatch, all the clues which consolidate their relationship was there. The way they love each other is totally on a different level and the creator very carefully planned this from the beginning of the Manga.

Though I really don’t like the ending for making every characters into a child rearing machine at an age of 20 to make way for an abomination called ‘Boruto’, I still loved everything till Episode 479.

I wanted to discuss about both Naruto and Sasuke's perspective. But that cannot be accommodated in a single post. So, I decided to start with Sasuke. Since Naruto's side of SNS is very open and vocal, we clearly knew what is going on in his mind. But Sasuke's side is usually very subtle but much more intense than Naruto which makes it worth analyzing.

Before getting to that, for most of the characters in the Naruto universe (I mean 99%), Sasuke is a person who looks cool, aloof, rude, overbearing, blunt, genius and emotionless. And that’s the truth. Except for Itachi and Naruto. So when I say he is rude or arrogant, it is from the people’s POV.  And since I always see myself in Itachi, I see Sasuke as that adorable innocent child who is very honest but forgiving.

I strongly feel that Sasuke has some innocent enchantment towards Naruto ever since he lost his family which later transcended into a bond which cannot be put under Friendship or Bromance. Enchantment, here I meant by, is not in a sexual way but more like the unconscious need to be in the presence of other person. Like walking beside each other eternally. Or even warming up next to a campfire near a chilly beach. You don’t want to fall into the fire but just enjoy the warmth. It maybe totally a platonic love like many claims to be. But his absolute disinterest in any other characters (even just as a friend) and the following traits he shows only to Naruto are clearly not just distinctive of platonic love either. It’s completely beyond platonic.

The following are the traits which Sasuke shows only towards Naruto, could have been avoided or delegated to other characters if the creator really wanted to assert their relationship as just friendship. There are lot of subtexts and emotions which I cannot accept it under the guise of bromance or friendship. It’s just not possible. If someone you like shows all these traits to another person, you should stop thinking about that person and move on.

The traits are :

Preferential Treatment

Attentive

Protective

My body moved on its own

One and Only

Powerful Eyes

Unconscious Closeness

Preferential Treatment

This is the very basic and first thing you show to someone whom you love. Meaning, I will treat this person much different from everyone else. When I was exploring this trait, I couldn’t stop laughing in many places. Because Sasuke is such a trolling machine who mercilessly trolls people who are in his way. He also inspire certain amount of fear which makes him even more unapproachable.

He has this cold bearing where people find it extremely difficult to manage or approach him. It comes off as very rude most of the times. One such example is Sai told Sasuke that he will get along better with him than Naruto. Sasuke put a Genjutsu on him for comparing himself with Naruto. LOL.

What's more funny is most people (Sakura, Orochimaru, Kabuto, Sai, Hinata) usually talk to him politely with honorifics like 'Sasuke-kun'. But he didn't give two shits about them and shitted them all mercilessly.

Here is the infamous proposal from Sakura in part 1.

Well she deserved this one to be honest. Throughout the entire conversation Sasuke never saw her face and responded very bluntly even though she was pouring her heart out crying. There was no visible distress or sadness from Sasuke’s side.

Whereas with Naruto, in the final Valley of The End, we saw him turning towards Naruto and answer him properly when Naruto asked the same question of what Sakura asked. There were so many emotions throughout the battle and Sasuke’s pain of leaving Naruto was clearly shown. Which explains the difference of where Sasuke keeps Naruto in his heart.

The following is the one from Chunin Exams prelims where Sakura is begging for him to quit with tears. The response is an usual 'Stay out of my business'.

Me: Sasuke!!!! Even I don't know how to approach you!!!! I understand you don't like to talk unnecessarily so you just shitted on Sai. But Sakura is your teammate, isn't it?

And then there is this little orange blonde who literally trolls Sasuke.

I really thot Sasuke was going to trash Naruto too, like he could have easily said, 'Naruto, you should also stay out of my business'.

But then

These words are something precious for Naruto. He wished for these words to come from Sasuke someday in his lifetime. But not at that time. And he was truly shocked and very excited. Believe me, when watching that scene, it was really great. But while making analysis like this, it’s absolutely hilarious.

This dynamics is similar to

Sakura: *cries unbearably* Sasuke-kun, I am worried about you. Don’t act so strong.

Sasuke: Shut up. Mind your own business.

Naruto: Bastard! She is worried about you.

Sasuke: Alright, I love you. Now shut up.

ROOOFFFFL :-D

I thought all these childhood bickers were over by part 1 and we will never see it in part 2.

Nope. I was wrong. Kakashi and Sakura were the scapegoats here.

Here's another round of applause from Naruto.

And I honestly cannot comprehend what was going on in Sasuke's mind and why he is really rude to Sakura and Kakashi. It seems he was really irritated by their presence or he maybe thinking they were useless or both.

When Naruto asks him something, he responds without any insults. What baffles me most is that during Infinite Tsukuyomi, Sasuke wanted to kill Naruto for his Revolution and awaiting his fated battle. And yet he answers him properly.

Can you see the pattern here?

He shits on people asking some question even with an utmost polite attitude but when Naruto asks the same question he was like "Alright Sweetie, Am gonna answer anything you want and say anything you like".

The following is the beginning of everything where Naruto can't even swear properly but still Sasuke couldn't even bother.

In short, the way he treats Naruto is quite different and hilarious when compared to the others. With his cold bearing, he absolutely has no need to put up with Naruto's outburst but he still accepts without a care every time. RIP to those souls who got the short end of the stick.

He must have an extreme tolerance towards Naruto's tirades to the point where he can never insult him back. And I also believe 100% that, nobody dares to make such frequent insults on Sasuke to his face except Naruto.

I know SK shippers jump in here to say Naruto is not the only one. But still the dynamics between Karin and Sasuke is simply a mirror image of Naruto and Sasuke, probably she reminded him of Naruto and hence made some exceptions for her because Sasuke never gives a damn about any other clan other than his own, but when Kabuto tells him Karin belongs to Uzumaki clan, he was shocked. I am pretty sure the only other Uzumaki member he knew is none other than Naruto.

Now, does this means he is in super love with Naruto? No.

But the way he treats every other characters and how he treats Naruto exclusively speaks volumes and this trope shouldn’t have existed in the first place. The creator should have made Sasuke treat both of his teammates equally which could’ve deflected the shipping angle. 

Attentive

Am not talking about how attentively he analyzes his enemies in the battles. Of course, in that department, Sasuke flies high. This is about how attentive he is to Naruto to the point where he can deduce what Naruto thinks and how Naruto looks without the need to communicate with him.

I know Sasuke suspected Sakura was acting strange before Chunin Exams when she said 'Good Morning' with some hesitation. But the difference here is that Sasuke can identify Naruto without even talking to him.

Funny thing here is that Sasuke was sitting somewhere far behind from Naruto and yet he could pick up Naruto getting freaked out without seeing his face.

Who could forget about the famous ‘Where’s real Naruto?’ episode during Chunin Exams?. It would’ve been fine if this happened once. But the creator went ahead and made this thing happen twice under entirely different situations. And everytime Sasuke can find fake Naruto without fail. This scene conveys Sasuke is very observant towards Naruto’s appearance & fighting skills (the way he evades an attack).

Now, being attentive to someone is not a special thing which attributes to love. But considering Sasuke’s personality who is aloof and focused on his own world, knowing Naruto like the back of his hand  is way too descriptive. Only someone who really understands the other person or constantly paying attention can find out such subtle changes. It doesn’t end here.

This is the battle between Gaara and Naruto. Where Naruto was literally confused about how to save his friends from Gaara who is much more powerful. And yet Sasuke can find Naruto’s mood just by seeing him.

Me: Yes, Sasuke!!! Gaara happened to pass by Naruto and forgot to kill him on a whim!!! So, Naruto is scared to the shit!!

Also Me: You guys always bicker with each other and are not best of friends. Sasuke!!! How could you analyze his mood just by looking at Naruto????

In Shippuden, There’s no inner monologue like the above, but whenever Naruto appears before him (Orochimaru’s hideout, Bridge, War arc), Sasuke gives his undivided attention to him. He even went so far as to advice him to pay attention to the battle. And I was like “Wait!!! you wanted to kill him... why pay attention to him at all? Geez”.

As much as you want to think that Sasuke doesn’t care about anyone, he does care about Naruto to the point where he doesn’t want him to be worried. How thoughtful just for a ‘teammate’.

How did Sasuke knew that Naruto would worry about him?, I wonder.

But all these things started from this

This boy has been noticing Naruto from way back when he was around 7 when he lost his family. Of course he would know every little things about Naruto because for some undefinable reason he couldn’t stop paying his attention to Naruto. A lineup of girls vying for his attention because of his cool appearance, whereas Sasuke simply loved Naruto without any reservations but because of his childish and warm personality which reminded him of his family.

‘I couldn’t stop paying attention to you’  and in some translations the words were ‘I couldn’t take my eyes off you’. Either way, these words are not for someone you see just as a friend let alone a brother.

Protectiveness

I can go on and on about how protective Sasuke is towards Naruto. I can write a separate post about it. This is the most important aspects of this ship which makes it sail higher than any other ships.

Of course, this is the Ninja world where people wants to protect each other and at the same time kill each other too. Sasuke protecting Naruto and Naruto protecting Sasuke is not too special. In fact, one of the weak and pathetic character like Sakura was saved once in every three episodes by Naruto or Kakashi or even by Sasuke sometimes.

And yet here I am mentioning protectiveness as the most important aspect of this ship. So what differentiates?

The way Sasuke protects Naruto is one of the intense thing I’ve ever seen. When I watch this series, I gained this immense ability to put myself in other characters mind just like Naruto. When I put myself in Sasuke’s mind whenever he tried to protect Naruto under different conditions, I simply cannot put their relationship under Friendship.

Here, Naruto is fighting Gaara in part 1 and Naruto was repelled by his own attack from the paper bomb. Sasuke being already battered by his curse mark bruise and he couldn’t move an inch. And yet he is shielding Naruto even though it is completely unnecessary because Naruto bumping into a tree log is completely normal. The creator even went under a lot of pain to draw that panel which took 40% of the page.

Now you may question, many characters even died protecting someone. What’s so special with just shielding?

Like Hinata jumping in for suicide before Pain, Iruka blocking Mizuki’s attack, Tsunade blocking Orochimaru, Neji dying as a ‘Love Cupid’ for hinata and Naruto.... I can cite many things here. What’s common among them all is that they were all perfectly capable of moving around and yet decided to save Naruto.

But that’s not the only point. 

Is there any need for him to save Naruto? No.

Will Naruto die if he didn’t shield him? No.

Then why? He could have spent that energy trying to do something for Sakura rather than do a pointless shielding. 

And then there is Kushina.

Naruto’s mom was already on the verge of dying as she had Kurama extracted from her body and Jinchuriki without a Tailed Beast will die. Because of Uzumaki clan’s strong life force, she could hold off for a bit longer. When kurama attacked Naruto, she shielded him with her body and saved her son from an imminent death.

Even though Sasuke didn’t die shielding him, but there is a semblance.

Both protected Naruto even when their body condition is worse. That is, Protect at all cost attitude.

I intended to put Land of the Waves arc here as it is very similar to what happens with Kushina. But that’s for an upcoming section.

Now, as a Mother her instinct to protect Naruto is very strong.

But who is Naruto for Sasuke? What makes his instinct so strong to protect someone who is not even related by his blood? Until and unless you love that person dearly you won’t do it.

That brings me to the next thing.

Yeah, it kind of looks ‘very friendly’ to give a 3 layered protection to someone who is already powered up like you and most importantly you want to kill him.(Can I say that looks really romantic?). Anyways my point is different.

What really happens here is this

It is a well established fact that Minato, the Yellow Flash is the fastest shinobi in Narutoverse. It wasn’t surpassed yet. He uses the Hiraishin No Jutsu to teleport at the speed of light. It was invented by none other than Tobirama Senju who is the fastest shinobi of his time.

We basically have two fastest shinobi in the battlefield here. And Minato being the fastest among them, definitely don’t want to blow up near his son for whom he died protecting him once. He wanted to teleport somewhere away and before he could do it, Tobirama teleported the bomb back to Obito.

What many fails to notice here is that all these things are happening in mere seconds. But Sasuke realized it real quick as usual and protects Naruto in an instant. How fast his instinct you may ask? Quicker than the two fastest shinobi on the battlefield and one among them is Naruto’s dad.

What I want to say is Sasuke’s protective instinct is quicker than Naruto’s father and similar to Naruto’s mother.

And you know, I questioned myself during the Chunin Exams arc “I think in the Zabuza arc, Naruto conveniently happened to be near Sasuke, So he protected him at the cost of his life. What if Sakura happens to be there? Would he have done the same? Maybe he would’ve died protecting her too.”

But all of my questions were thrown into drain by Sasuke as if he was able to read my mind. The answer is “Hell! I don’t care if she died. That’s her loss. I will not die for her sake.”

This is really confusing, hilarious and romantic at the same time.

Me: Sasuke!!! I understand why you want to save Jugo... Even though you abandoned him in the Land of Iron. LOL. What are you going to do with Naruto anyway when the whole world is blasted off?

He proved this again in the Kaguya’s Lava dimension too. Before you tell me that he saved Naruto because he needs him to seal off Kaguya, the previous scenario nullifies your argument.

And SS wankers shamelessly defending that Sasuke don’t want Sakura to die by Kaguya’s hands, that’s why he left her to die. Geez!!! Who the hell is Sakura to Kaguya anyway? Even if she were to die by Kaguya’s hands, it would almost look like how Obito died. It’s not bad at all. But falling into the lava pit, burning, screaming.... sssshhhh. Wake the f**k up!!!

Now how can you convince me that this is just Friendship? What’s more funny is Sasuke wanted to kill Naruto later at some point. Throughout the War Arc I was always confused as to why Sasuke even care about Naruto at all? He didn’t care about him ever since he left him 3 or 4 years ago and he doesn’t have to. After all everyone have their own paths to walk on.

Even if I put myself in Sasuke’s mind and see Naruto just as a friend whom I want to kill, I wouldn’t go under so much pain to save him. I would feel like it’s better for him to die by something else rather than me. Because I can’t bring myself to kill someone I know well.

These scenes are not just put there by chance.

Such a strong reflex to protect someone is only possible when you consider that person’s life more than yours.

Does any other ship has such things to show? I’ll wait.

Yeah Sasuke protected Sakura from Orochimaru and Gaara. But he also went so far to wait for Karin and awakened a new power to protect her. So does this means he love those girls?? No. He was just showing a team camaraderie. But it’s funny that later, he tried to kill those girls knowing full well they are unprepared to fight him. While with Naruto, it always comes with a warning. Try to understand this difference. Which is exactly why I didn’t put Sasuke saving Naruto during his Chakra training, or falling from the waterfall and many more. Because they are just a team camaraderie.

I don’t even have to compare with other ships, did Sasuke ever protected anyone like this in the whole series?. These are the things which could’ve been avoided or handled in a different way, like there was no need to emphasize on saving Naruto alone while ignoring others.

My body moved on its own

I don’t need to explain this any deeper. There are many people who says Sasuke is incapable of showing his true feelings. He is cold, rude, aloof and stoic so he always hides his feelings for everyone (mostly this line was used by Sakura wankers who wanted to portray that Sasuke always loved Sakura deeply but never shows). But they fail to understand the irony that one of the most beautiful line in this entire series was told by none other than ‘Sasuke Uchiha’, “My body moved on its own”.

Yet I find Sasuke shows his honest and heartful emotions before the people he loves. If he can show that to Itachi and Naruto, why not with Sakura?

I know those wankers try to say Sasuke repressed all his feelings until Chapter 698, so he has some romantic feelings for Sakura too. Bullshit!!!

Even though he repressed those feelings in his mind, his body always betrays him in the end and his feelings pours out from time to time. That is what this section explores about.

Man, this is the most painful GIF I have ever made.

In his battle with Itachi, he was completely consumed by the feeling of revenge and hatred for his brother. But when Itachi approached him in his final moments with an intention (seemingly) to snatch his eyes, he still couldn't push Itachi away though he could have. Sasuke just looked into his eyes and let him do whatever he was about to do.

Why?, Because he loved his brother so much once that he don't know what to do but simply embrace that moment. These are the moments your mind says to close your eyes or even run away (he totally could have) but his body will not allow him to.

This is what I meant by your body betrays yourself. Even in your darkest moments, you cannot fake. You always show your true emotions towards the person you love. The more you suppress, the more it will burst out.

Here Sasuke’s hatred is glaring through his eyes because Sakura is persuading him to not do something he wants to (as always). His only motivation is to kill that man. His resolve is a real deal.

But in a matter of minutes after giving that long hateful speech with some heavy determination, when he saw that hungry blonde boy who was tied up for trying to steal food, Sasuke just acted on his own and served him food even though he was told not to which could jeopardize his career.

This bipolar dance is something to notice throughout the series and is always interesting to explore. When Sakura tries to dissuade Sasuke from something, he always retorts to insults or an angry stare. But when Naruto accidentally stands in Sasuke’s way, he always involuntarily helps him out.

In short, towards Sakura he was like “Even you cannot take that path away from me” but when turning towards Naruto, he was like “Well, I can risk everything for you at the cost of my path”.

This seals the real deal for SNS ship.

At this point, for us viewers, Naruto is just an orphan who has no friends but always carries his life with a positive spirit hoping that someday he will be accepted by everyone.

Unbeknownst the fact that he already has one person who was willing to die for him and putting all his dreams into fire.

Important thing to notice, It’s entirely at Naruto’s fault for them being in this situation. If Naruto had used a bit of brain to attack from outside the mirror, they wouldn’t have been in this situation. But still Sasuke plunged into the trap without any regrets. That’s the beauty of this scene.

What’s more thrilling is that the creator told us Sasuke loved Naruto in the very next chapter itself. 

How?

By making Haku jump before Zabuza knowing full well that he is going to die which is not very different from how Sasuke shielded Naruto.

And not only that, but by making Naruto say “He really loved you”. I got to say the creator may sucks at writing Sakura and Hinata for God only knows for whatever twisted reasons. But when it comes to male characters like Naruto, Sasuke, Itachi, Obito... he was just amazing and on another level.

How?

By indirectly drawing parallels between Sasuke and Haku in a matter of successive chapters.

By dropping indirect hints and crumbs like these to tell us, the audience, the motivations of the characters.

I always had the thought why did he risked his life for a boy who always fights with him? This became more emotional when we get to know the real reason for why Sasuke risked his life much later in chapter 698.

Having faced all the turbulent things in his life, somehow seeing Naruto doing all those childish stuffs made him feel relieved. That warmth was what he needed at that time. He wanted to escape from it but couldn’t. That’s why he embraced his warmth unknowingly in his Team 7 days by constantly reaching out to him starting from asking tips, concerned about having breakfast and training with him to climb the tree.

Sasuke even come to like Naruto more than himself and that’s why he was willing to die for him.

This feeling is definitely not a bromance or friendship. It’s an innocent enchantment you hope to last forever. Which again explains why he tolerated Naruto’s insults and hostility all those times. Because Sasuke knew those childish things were the ones he got attracted to him ever since his childhood. Rather than saying tolerated, I should use the term enjoyed. He really enjoyed those moments being bugged by Naruto for no reason.

Because just like Itachi said to Sasuke once, ‘If you are excellent you become alienated and arrogant even though you were sought after at the beginning’ . But Naruto pestering him means he is very curious about Sasuke which no one else tried. He was adored by those girls for his coolness and revered by those boys for his excellence but nobody really tried to befriend him. But Naruto tried to befriend him through Rivalry. That’s why Sasuke unconsciously started to like him. This also explains why he roasted Sakura for badmouthing him even though Naruto attacked him and tied him up earlier.

If Sasuke can show all these feelings even though he was trying to suppress it towards Naruto and Itachi, Why can’t he show a single normal feeling towards Sakura??? Because there isn’t one. Except for an old Team 7 camaraderie where he saw her as an acquaintance and nothing more.

Many NH shippers claims, but Hinata loved her ‘Naruto-Kun’. She jumped in front of Naruto to save him from Pain, when in reality she just acted selfishly and couldn’t pull out the Chakra rods. Meaning she failed whatever she was about to do.

Another interesting thing to cite for NH shippers, they claim for Naruto, Hinata is the most important person his life. Since when? With that shitty movie called ‘The Last’ with shitty retconned stuff? In all the 699 chapters he always claimed Iruka Sensei and Sasuke were the important people in his life. And you know what? For Hinata to like Naruto, he has to jump in to save her from the bullies. But for Sasuke he just saved Naruto without any validation. He saw Naruto and liked his presence and just did it. 

When you could accept that failed attempt as a love, why not accept Sasuke loves Naruto when in fact he succeeded in saving him and that too unconditionally?

This is one of the tropes which should have been avoided if the creator wanted Sasuke and Naruto to be just friends.

One and Only

This is something very special that is offered to that one person in his life. That is Naruto. Even Itachi knew it. That is the Power to influence Sasuke’s heart. This is the fact even Sasuke himself knew it and that’s why he wanted to kill him.

Now don’t compare this with the manipulation shit which Orochimaru and Obito were doing. It’s not that. Many Sasuke fanatics always blame Naruto that he is also manipulating Sasuke just like everyone. That’s totally wrong.

Manipulation is something you do by talking about some twisted facts and make the other person to do what you want to.

Naruto never did that. Ever. Whenever Naruto and Sasuke meet, they always talk about themselves and how they feel. Not the world, not Team 7 or anything. Which is exactly why Sasuke himself willingly left that space in his heart for Naruto when he left him in the Valley of the End which he badly wanted to destroy. Sasuke, of all people, know Naruto is also very honest.

Sasuke lost all his rationality when he went into darkness by stabbing Karin who was helping him in his battle with Danzo. She even replenished his chakra many times. He not only just stabbed her, after when he found her still alive, he decided to finish her off with his Chidori.

And then the pink haired bitch appears before him and started to concoct lies with malicious intent to kill him. This provoked Sasuke more and more to reach this point.

Believe me, when you are lost in darkness, all you need is a small light which can show you a path. Someone who can extend helping hands to lift you up with honesty.

Sakura, being a crass woman, riled up Sasuke further with full of nonsense.

If you want to picture the darkness,

This is exactly how Sasuke feels. He is in so much pain and don’t know how to face it or deal with it. So he started to destroy everything he sees. For him Karin, Sakura, Kakashi are all just some pebbles in his way and want to trample them as he goes. His entire life has become farce after knowing his beloved brother’s real pain and miseries. Now he has no one left from his family.

Until Naruto appears.

He may not be his family, but he is the only person left for him in this world. Which is established in many Naruto endings and even Sasuke himself accepts this with Sage of Six Paths. 

But my Cherry Blossom queen really loved Sasuke, she only wanted the good of him. My question is ‘Then why the fuck she tried to kill him? She looked at Sasuke and find that he changed. She didn’t even bothered to find out what’s going on from his side.’ Then how is this considered as wanting only good for him? 

Surprisingly Sasuke calmed down a bit, the moment Naruto appears and even started to respond to him which he didn’t before with Kakashi and Sakura. Deep down Sasuke himself knew in his heart that the path he is going through is Self-destructive. Just like Kurama tells Naruto ‘Destroy everything you see’ in the Pain arc when he sprouted upto Eighth Tail, Sasuke’s traumatic mind tells him to ‘Destroy Konoha’.

All he needed was someone to extend an helping hand to tell him what to do without any malice. Naruto did that. Just like what Minato did for Naruto in Pain arc.

After clashing Rasengan with Chidori ,they meet inside the White bubble space and Naruto talks to Sasuke which evoked all his past memories which he never wanted to awaken.

That’s why Sasuke was visibly shaken with Naruto’s words. Because those were the words which mirrors exactly how Sasuke feels too. He was surprised and shocked that Naruto also felt the same way without him ever openly confessing those feelings.

When everyone tried to kill him for his monstrosity, Naruto is the only person standing there seeing him as his friend. Just like how Iruka saw Naruto way back in 1st chapter.

Believe me, even at the depth of darkness, when you see the person you love so much, you will stop and rationalize.

That is exactly why Itachi left Sasuke in Naruto’s hands. He even admitted to Sasuke that his words will not reach him no matter what.

Sasuke may not have abandoned his ambitions at that point. But Naruto gave him a clear path. That is ‘Show all your hatred on me’ and then do whatever you want.

I know SS shippers will claim that back hug from Sakura changed his murderous behaviour during the Chunin Exams. Yes. That’s true. But right after that, when Sasuke was fighting Yoroi in a one-on-one combat, his Cursed Seal flares up again. He retracted that seal out of his sheer will and thought about both Sakura and Naruto who was freaking out without even knowing about the seal. So, it’s not only a Sakura exclusive moment. The creator even went ahead and drawn a panel asking Sakura to not say anything about the Curse Mark to Naruto. Why do that?

As far as I understand, Sasuke saw Naruto and felt the warmth of his family. He singled that out in chapter 698. When Naruto was placed in the same team as him, he started to extend his good side to his other team members as well. But the moment he decided to leave the village, he severed the ties with Sakura (was there ever one apart from considering her as a teammate?) by saying Thank You. Meaning, you helped me many times so thanks for all of that. What’s more pitiful is, he didn’t even look at her face for the entire conversation except for saying ‘You are really annoying’. There is nowhere in the manga where Sasuke singled out Sakura for making him feel anything and did something for her exclusively. It’s all in the context of Team 7.

If Sakura is the most important person in Sasuke’s life, he should have stopped the rampage the moment he saw her but instead he got riled up more and more. Which explains where Sasuke kept her in his heart. Literally nowhere. He threw her into the trash. LOL.

If Hulk can calm down after seeing Betty Ross and you call that love, why not accept Sasuke loves Naruto??

Powerful Eyes

You know, Even in real life, Our eyes always reflects our true feelings, just like how your body betrays your mind , your eyes even betray your body.

Just like how Itachi could never fake his evil brother act in his final moments.

Just like how Sasuke couldn’t turn away from Itachi when he was approaching him to seemingly snatch his eyes.

Uchiha boys being a romantic bunch, always expose their awakening/ reawakening/ evolving their Sharingan in a most distressed situation. Just like Madara and Sasuke exposed their brimming eyes for Hashirama and Naruto. But in this department, Madara is wildly romantic as always. LOL. Despite losing 3 brothers, he awakened his Sharingan only when he was breaking up with his ‘friend’. And Sasuke, he reawakened / evolved Sharingan when trying to save / breaking up with his ‘friend’. Such a Biological defect!!!!

Poor Sakura pathetically fails in this department.

Anyways this part is not about Sharingan anyway. It’s about how such a powerful eyes becomes powerless before those Blue Eyes.

Eye Symbolism is something I really enjoy exploring in this ship.

Like I mentioned earlier, Sasuke has never shown his emotions atleast starting from Part II. He usually never shows any positive emotions like happiness, laughing, pouting, love, excitement (although he has shown all these towards Itachi and Naruto) and is known for negative emotions like anger, annoyance, hatred.

Look at how Sasuke is glaring with hatred for her insensitive words. She deserved this to be honest.

Now, is there any need to show your fury towards Kabuto?

Since the beginning of the Shippuden, some facts have been established strongly:

1. Sasuke has changed by leaps and bounds in terms of his attitude and hatred.

2. Sharingan is pretty dangerous. Many characters including kurama acknowledges it. Sasuke is very adept at using his Sharingan.

Orochimaru maybe right. But he doesn’t know the weakness. LOL

His hatred has reached to a point where he couldn’t think anything rationally and started to kill everyone, just like how Naruto kicked Sakura in his 4 Tailed Kyuubi Mode engulfed with the hatred of Kurama. Meaning, to reach his goal, Sasuke will kill anyone in his path without any hesitation. This shot is the representation of this.

And yet when he saw those particular Blue eyes, he stops his rampage immediately and visibly shocked even.  That’s the look of ‘why is that blue eyes here?’

You have every right to accuse me that I am over exaggerating this scene. I am not. Even I wanted to think that way too that I am deluding myself. The creator has only consolidated my view pretty strongly.

There’s no need to emphasize on eyes at all. The anime team has went under so much pain to animate this scene in a satisfying and compelling way.

What’s more? The creator even went under further extent to draw a whole page in the manga focusing on their eye contact after the Rasengan vs Chidori clash. Meaning, Sasuke has calmed down visibly and became very easy to reason with.

Trust me, even in your darker / vulnerable moments, your eyes will reflect your true feelings to the person you love. You cannot be stubborn. 

Now did it stop here?? Nope, it happened again in the Final Valley of the End battle too.

Sasuke is usually confident of his Sharingan (rightfully so) and likes to flaunt his eyes just like Madara. He was very sure that he was going to win.

While Sasuke had a clear resolve to kill Naruto when he was showing his back, but the moment he comes close with those Blue Eyes, his heart even pounded strongly (in the anime), and lost the resolve completely which made his Sharingan retract itself unconsciously. Meaning, his eyes betrayed him.

It’s funny that not even a minute ago he was very proud of his Visual Prowess as an Uchiha and his victory is inevitable but the moment he saw those Blue eyes, he just lost. You think I am again exaggerating?. Nope!!!

Oh Dear!!! This doesn’t get more romantic than this. An inescapable gaze from those blue eyes he loved all along.

Sasuke!! What happened to your proud Uchiha eyes?. You just stole Chakra from Naruto, isn’t it? Hints like these are really heartwarming, to be honest.

My entire point is, every character from every arc hypes up Sharingan starting from Zabuza, Haku, Rock Lee, Orochimaru, Kabuto, Kurama and many more, but why put a weakness for Naruto’s eyes? 

What I really loved exploring is the way Sasuke totally expressed everything through his eyes in Episode 478.

Sasuke shows his vulnerability towards Naruto with just his eyes. These are not something you show to everyone. Even when Itachi departed finally after releasing Edo Tensei, Sasuke looked sad, shocked and pained but didn’t cry. He accepted the reality of it. The last time when we saw him crying, it was after knowing the truth of Itachi, facing towards the beach and was weeping unbearably because there was no one else for him in this world. But this time, he is next to the person whom he feels truly loved and he doesn’t mind showing it with his eyes.

Well, on multiple rewatches, the clues for their love was already dropped in the 1st Valley of the End fight itself. Sasuke already lost his resolve to kill by balling his chidori fist rather than ramming through his chest. So the feelings inside the bubble are their honest emotions like always.

The pain on the verge of their separation inside the white bubble is clearly evident from their eyes even in their monstrous form. Even in the manga it was mentioned that ‘I can’t turn my back  Vs  I am not letting you go’

But what they really wanted to be from their childhood was this.

Look at Sasuke, how entranced he was on looking at that innocent boy. Now put yourself at Sasuke’s mind. Will you ever look at your friend like that??? Now, they are probably just 7 here, am not romanticizing. But Sasuke looks enthralled innocently.

But somehow, their paths separated them for who knows how long. But the pain in both their eyes is unbearable. Even the databook, mentioned that separating from Naruto is like ripping half of his body. Well, this proves it.

Now, if they really wanted to portray this as friendship, they never should have given Eye symbolism at all. They should have gone with ‘I was always jealous of you’ thing, like they portrayed in that filler episode 450.I would’ve gladly accepted it as friendship. Because that’s how friends behave when they are jealous and I wasn’t feeling any romance at all. There’s no need of that lengthy monologue on how he was always looking at Naruto and felt pain.

I am telling you, I won’t be looking at my friend like this. 

Unconscious closeness

Remember, I’ve written in the beginning of the post that Sasuke enjoys the warmth from Naruto. Meaning, he likes that person’s presence unconsciously and want to be near him. Sasuke proved this many times.

This is the most intense and confusing section I have to dissect for this post. But it’s the most entertaining nonetheless, atleast for me.

Starting from the Land of the Waves arc, here Sasuke is speed walking to match up with Naruto.

Initially I thought, he is trying to be competitive. But instead of walking ahead of Naruto to show who is faster, he just walks beside him. I find this really hilarious and adorable. This just shows Sasuke likes Naruto’s presence so much so that he wants to walk beside him.

Now many SS shippers tries to make this scene for themselves, when it is clearly not.

If you notice Sasuke in the Bell Training, he compares his strength difference with Kakashi and determines to get stronger. Same with Might Guy, he compares Might Guy’s speed with his own Sensei. Meaning, he respects people with strength. Naturally, he should’ve asked her and Sakura would have given him tips wholeheartedly. Because she really succeeded in that training.

Why bother to ask a deadlast?

The only reason I could find is that he wants to befriend him in his own stubborn way. But Poor Soul!!! He didn’t get the tips anyway. LOL. But despite getting the short end of the stick, he never hold it against him. Just like he never held anything against Naruto when he tied him up in Episode 3. All he did was just flaunt how he escaped.

Pretty cool for a 12 year old kid. Because If I were Sasuke, I would hold it for sure.

Once again Sasuke proves how he can care Naruto in his own adorable way.

He could’ve said ‘I am going to train too” if he really intended to train. There is no need to say ‘Going for a Walk’ and ask Naruto about breakfast. This explains that Sasuke simply missed the boy’s prolonged absence and reached out to him in his own cute way.

Now all these doesn’t mean he was in love with him. It’s just a childish attraction which makes him act like that involuntarily.

I just added this GIF to compare with the next scene.

Now Shikamaru falling on Naruto in an unconventional way doesn’t look anywhere romantic. Instead it’s the opposite. They are pretty friendly here.

But Sasuke’s approach to Naruto does looks undeniably sensual and I couldn’t deny the sexual tension that brings with it. (Even when I watched it for the first time having no idea of shipping anyone, I lowkey got creeped and thought, ‘Sasuke!! What have you become? ’)

This scene is something even I can’t dissect. Because honestly I don’t know. Sasuke is a person who never appreciates physical touches nor does he initiates either.

I get this crazy femme fatale vibe when seeing Sasuke with his sexy costume landing at a speed of lightning with his hands wrapped around Naruto and taunting near his ear about what was he doing there? The only reason I could think of is that maybe he missed him for 3 years which made him go unconsciously so close near Naruto. It’s also funny that he could’ve shoved his sword into Naruto’s heart before landing and no one could’ve batted an eyelid.

Damn you, Kishimoto!!! Is this scene absolutely necessary??? What are you trying to convey? Why do you give Sasuke, a sexualized aura?? I understand you love this character so much and you want this character to be desirable among women. Yeah, you succeeded by making Karin behave like a woman in heat, the moment they met. But instead of letting her get close to him, you made Sasuke to say ‘You... Don’t get so close’ whereas with Naruto, you made Sasuke to go willingly touch him in a half hugging stance. Geez!!!

Here comes the most interesting part in this section.

It may seem irrelevant at the beginning but trust me, it will make sense later.

Before that, I would like to appreciate the creator and especially the anime team to bring the battle sequence so lively and different in its own way. If you notice the purpose of every battle that happened in Naruto series, each carries it own meaning and deliberately distinguished. How you ask?

The fight between Deidara vs Sasuke.

Logically Deidara should be dead in the Gaara retrieval arc itself. There is no point for him to chase Sasuke who killed Orochimaru to whom Deidara had nothing to do with. It didn’t impact the story in any way. But the purpose of that battle is to show how far Sasuke has grown up in those 3 years. The way he can use his Sharingan to analyze his enemies abilities and weakness so quickly and take multiple steps ahead, the way he can use Genjutsu and other incredible jutsus in his arsenal were a visual treat.

Now, let’s analyze Sasuke’s arsenal of Jutsus. He can do Teleportation Jutsu, a decent Genjutsu, Chidori Senbon (needles), Raikiri (Chidori sword which ranges to 5 metres), Chidori Nagash (Chidori from his whole body), Transformation Jutsu, Substitution Jutsu Shuriken Jutsu with wire works, Kirin, Gokakyu No jutsu, Sword fighting, basic Hand-to-Hand fighting (I’ve never seen him do it ever since the Chunin Exams with Orochimaru), Archery fighting, Susanoo, Amaterasu and all the Rinnegan abilities.

Based on the jutsus he learned so far and how he applies in every battle, it all confirms two things:

Sasuke is a Medium-Long Range Shinobi

Sasuke’s battles are usually based on his Cleverness

Let’s go for Naruto. He can do Teleportation Jutsu, Sexy Jutsu, Harem no jutsu, Rasengan, Rasen Shuriken, Oodama Rasengan, Biju Dama, Tailed Beast Mode, Kage Bunshin No jutsu, Sage mode jutsu, Frog Kumite, Better Hand-to-Hand combat skills (better than Sasuke), Transformation Jutsu, Substitution Jutsu and all his Six path abilities.

Compared to Sasuke, Naruto’s jutsu variety is very less. But for every 4 punches from Sasuke equals 1 powerful punch from Naruto. Analyzing all of them,

Naruto is a Close-Range Shinobi except for his Rasen Shuriken

Naruto’s battles are usually based on his Jutsu Timing and Unpredictability

Now, Let’s rewind back to 3 years and look at the 1st Valley of the End battle. That battle was cleverly choreographed which carried very intense emotional baggage. Things we never knew about those boys until then were openly admitted and acknowledged. That is, for Sasuke, Naruto became his closest friend. For Naruto, he always wanted to be Sasuke’s friend way back when he was 6 or 7. For both, they already have some unexplainable bond by just looking at each other and smiling secretly.

The theme of that battle started as Am going on my own path vs I can’t allow you to tread on that dangerous path and ended up with I want to break our bond vs I don’t want to.

Now, this posture represents, Naruto is the one who pursues Sasuke to stop him from whatever he was about to do. Meaning, Naruto is the one who is constantly reaching out and Sasuke as usual kicks him out violently, that is he is pushing him away. That’s the essence of the whole battle.

Considering all the battles in the Naruto universe, I categorize them as follows:

Best Calculated (and emotional) battle - Itachi vs Sasuke

Best Hand-to-Hand combat - Kakashi vs Obito (what a fight it was!!!)

Best Mega Powered Up battle - Hashirama vs Madara

Best Emotional battle - Naruto vs Sasuke (1st valley of the end)

Best Unpredictable/Entertaining battle - Naruto vs Pain

Despite having all the potential to fulfill the above categories, The Final Valley of the End Battle never bested in any of them.

As analyzed before, the boys have grown up to greater heights. I expected a battle between Cleverness of Sasuke Vs Unpredictability of Naruto

But what I observed was something so intense. That is Unintentional closeness.

This battle symbolizes one thing: I am going to kill you to get lonely vs I won’t let you kill me because you will be alone.

Being a long range fighter, I expected Sasuke to go for this.

If you have to kill someone you love, it is best to keep your distance. Sasuke knows this full well when he battled with Itachi. Except for some Sword fighting, he maintained a certain distance to fight Itachi throughout, until the very end.

But when fighting Naruto, all I got was this.

That’s when I finally understood that this posture means, the fight is very personal. Which means, Sasuke or Naruto won’t be fighting by sitting on top of each other with their enemies or anyone else. That’s just between them alone.  

There was no analysis or cleverness from Sasuke’s side or any Unpredictability from Naruto. It was very bland and Sasuke looked clueless throughout the fight.

It started with some boxing style combat, including stealing hand seals and then some power punches. Very quickly it propels to Susanoo vs Tailed Beast mode. I expected some Hashirama vs Madara level power battle.

But all we saw there was this.

I mean, Come on!!! Man. Even the most Crazy and openly Romantic Uchiha, Madara himself never fought like this in Susanoo with Hashirama (Though Madara must be thinking ‘Damn Hashirama! I should’ve tried this with you’. LOL). Those mega battles carried variety of tactics.

Another thing I noticed was, Sasuke is the one who does lots of talking and constantly pursuing Naruto. Whereas Naruto is uncharacteristically quiet for the most part. 

And finally it leads to this.

Sasuke was unconsciously getting closer and closer to Naruto which is the opposite of what he wants to do. Because of that very closeness, he couldn’t look at his eyes with his Sharingan and eventually got an uppercut. It’s like Sasuke was screaming, ‘Hate me’ and Naruto was like ‘Keep talking’.

Every jutsu he had for attacking from a long-range were forgotten. He didn’t even try to put Naruto under Genjutsu. I mean with his Rinnegan, he was capable of putting all the 9 Tailed Beasts into a powerful Genjutsu. Why didn’t he try that with Naruto? There was no Chidori Stream or Lightning Blade.

I can imagine Naruto doing close range fights with someone or even sitting on top of the enemy. Example, part I, Naruto head bumped Gaara. He was literally fighting with his Shadow Clones against a Monster so he had to get closer. Naruto monstrously punching Deidara not knowing the fact that it was a clay clone.

But Sasuke??? Can you imagine Sasuke sitting on top of the enemy and punching to pulp??? No way. Not a chance.!!!

In one way or other way, Sasuke was always in the close proximity with Naruto throughout the battle and touching each other which is totally uncharacteristic of him when compared to his other battles.

Every battle he ever fought was always at a distance which is the clear representation of his own character. He is calculative, analytical, precise and moves fluidly with a flair like a true Ninja unlike Naruto who is always reckless, noisy, powerful and clumsy. 

Sasuke is someone who never lets his emotions get ahead in the battle, unlike Naruto. This is evident from the War when he was yelling at Naruto to stop worrying about Hokage as they were Edo Tensei who can regenerate. Even when fighting with Itachi, he calculated every move and attacked Itachi without any emotions except at the very end. Sasuke in this final battle forgot who he was and telling us viewers “Am just gonna get closer to Naruto and punch him hard”.

In short, Sasuke completely forgot all his battle tactics he had with Itachi and let his emotions get ahead of his cleverness and got himself closer to Naruto which eventually ended up weakening his resolve to kill him. This is what I meant by Unintentional Closeness.

Anyways, what I understood was, the creator didn’t put all this by without any meaning. It’s all very deliberate and drawn carefully.

Moving onto the final and the most defining moments of SNS.

When I watched this scene for the first time, I can’t comprehend the exact meaning. And I forgot about this later because of my excitement to know what happens next. But what I understood on my rewatch is that, the feelings exchanged here is very pure and innocent but distressing.

Sasuke already lost his resolve to kill by not ramming Naruto with Chidori instead balled up his fist. So he is not contemplating whether or not to kill Naruto.

Sasuke made every effort to leave Naruto and succeeded in it too. But somehow, accidentally, when faced with a person whom he considers so precious in such a close proximity, despite have a stinging pain in his arm, he is feeling the warmth he once felt. He just wants that warmth to prolong for some more time and he can’t able to evade it. So he totally gave in to that desire and feeling it unconsciously. Sasuke always watched Naruto (unbeknownst to him) and felt warmth, relief and weakness. This scene is the symbolic and innocent representation of all those feelings when he saw Naruto and he is exeriencing it for the final time. 

Does this means, does Sasuke wants to kiss him? No.

But every symbolism of that being happening is there. It’s just all open to interpretations. The creator could show us how Sasuke fell on his knees and staring at Naruto intently but never intended to show when he got up and left. I don’t understand this twisted mind of the creator.

Added to that, Sasuke was about to say ‘Naruto, I....’ God only knows what he was about to say. But every possibility of Sasuke confessing and kissing is there.

I know the creator cannot approach this directly considering the situations he worked under. But is there any necessity for such an intense scene? Even the anime creators loved this scene and made their own version of making Naruto’s eyes wide open and even more closer.

I wont be watching my friend or sister like that. 

That explains all the way back to this fated accidental scene.

There is nothing special about this scene. It’s all very clear that the kiss was accidental. It was really funny. But my point is why Sasuke never beat him to pulp or even push Naruto away like he did with Sakura and Karin? Why did he stood up for Naruto before Sakura? Why did he let go off Naruto even though he tied him up? Too many leeway for a single person in a single episode. And the most important part is, Sasuke thought it was intentional and remembers the taste. LOL.

Does this means he enjoyed the kiss? Not at all.

Most probably he was shocked to see Naruto in such a close proximity after seeing him from a distance for all those years. And he enjoys this as just another prank from Naruto in his own innocent way. But he won’t mind getting another one from Naruto either.

So, to conclude

I believe I made this post from an objective standpoint without making crazy theories and I don’t have to..... since canonical resources were plenty. Obviously my own bias will also be there which is unavoidable. But I tried to question the creative choices of why this scene even exist in the first place many times. Because those are the scenes which made the most impact inside me.

My first watch of Naruto gave me the benefit of doubt that ‘Are they in love? Nah... They are friends. Maybe I am just overthinking...  but why does it feel different??’ and that too only after finishing episode 478. After rewatching it again and again, it only consolidated my view.

For Sasuke, his worldly ties are pretty thin and runny. He was always a loner from the beginning even when he had his family. He never bothered to make any friends nor did anyone tried to befriend him. He was pretty close to his family especially Itachi. When he lost everything, somehow he got attracted innocently to Naruto and started to like him. But beyond Naruto he never bothered to add anyone in his heart. He considered Kakashi and Sakura were like his acquaintances who helped him a lot and that’s all.

Then after using Orochimaru, he gathered some high skilled shinobi for killing Itachi. But he made it clear that there don’t need to be any understanding but just co-operation would be enough. But along his way, he just abandoned Jugo, Suigetsu somewhere. He openly said to Karin that she is nothing but a burden to him. When his hatred reached upto a maximum boiling point, he didn’t even hesitate to kill Karin, Kakashi or Sakura. But the moment Naruto appears he calmed down. The proof? He was shocked to see Naruto at first. Then Naruto calls, ‘Sasuke!!!’, to which Sasuke responds with, ‘What?’. Despite becoming a maniac, he could find it in his heart to listen to Naruto.

It took an Edo Tenseified Itachi to bring him some rationality to question his beliefs about destroying Konoha. When Jugo and Suigetsu appear again, he casually asked them, ‘What do you want with me at this point?’, I mean, Come On, Man. LOL.  Even during the war arc, when things were about to blast off he only cared about Jugo (who helped him many times, so understandable) and Naruto (Geez!!! LOL).

Even after their final battle, the anime went so far as to create a scene where they were alone in a bright Konoha. But Sasuke looked very peaceful and listening to Naruto intently. When Naruto freaks out about Infinite Tsukuyomi, he casually laughs off and says ‘you still care about the world’. Meaning, he is happy there spending time alone with the person he loves. Doesn’t give a rat’s ass about missing anyone else. (How romantic!!!). Honestly, Sasuke wouldn’t mind if they were to stay that way forever. He would gladly listen to Naruto all day.  But when Naruto disappears he freaks out and starting to make up his mind about joining his brother.

It’s very clear that the people he adores are Itachi and Naruto. Towards Itachi, it’s super understandable, because he is his own brother. But Naruto??? Why should the creator go so far as to make Sasuke adores Naruto even after breaking up with him?

And why make Sasuke possessive about Naruto’s life? When Obito was about to kill Naruto with that Black Orbs, Sasuke blocked him and said ‘You are not the One to sever the past, I am’. I understand the logic behind Sasuke’s possessiveness on Itachi’s life because he destroyed his family, childhood and even Itachi wants Sasuke to be the one to kill him. But why possessive on Naruto? He is not related to him by blood. Naruto never did anything wrong to Sasuke to warrant any hate either. You will become possessive on something only when you truly hate it or wholeheartedly love it. There is no middle ground. My point is why put Naruto here at all in the first place?? Believe me, If Sasuke never paid attention to Naruto in the War arc, I would be the first person to jump out of this ship. 

Just to give you a basic example, Imagine you are living in a place far away from your family, friends and that loveable person. When Corona hits everywhere and forced Lockdown to travel outside the city, and the situation is getting worse day by day. Whom would you desperately reach out first? You would reach the person whom you are connected well in your family and that loved one. You will prioritize your friends only later. This is the Universal truth. Sasuke was seen showing that same instinct in the War arc towards Naruto whom he was not related by blood. And you all just want me to believe Sasuke sees him as just a friend?? Give me a break!!!

If all those traits I’ve mentioned above have been avoided to a greater extent, I would be happy to believe that they are friends. If not all, at the very least delegate some of the tropes to other people or share some of the tropes with other people along with Naruto. But dumping it all on Naruto alone makes me only curious and incredibly romantic too. 

It’s no wonder, Naruto would go so far as to reach out Sasuke even at the expense of his life.

Oh, Did I forget about the cutest and most exclusive trope to SNS?

U-SU-RA-TON-KA-CHI, the most personal word which carries its own meaning and is only for Naruto. So funny that Sasuke has to spend a certain amount of energy to call Naruto using a 6 syllabic word rather than NA-RU-TO, a 3 syllabic word which is much easier.

Disclaimer: This post constituted everything from from Chapter 1 to 699 or Episode 1 to 135 (part 1) + Episode 1 to 479 (Shippuden) excluding fillers. Though Sasuke shinden novel was made into anime, I don’t want to consider that here. As much as I loved the prologue in that novel, I still don’t want to cite that here, as I consider everything after 699 is $$$$ making bullshit.

FUN FACT:

If you put yourself in any character in the Naruto Universe except for Naruto, and ask them, ‘What do you think about Sasuke?’. You know the answer from Sakura, she will say ‘Sasuke-Kun looks very cool and acts aloof, that’s why I love him’. Kakashi will say ‘My favorite student’. And all the other people will say somewhat similar, ‘He is an excellent Shinobi who belongs to the proud Uchiha clan and Naruto’s rival’

But Naruto will be the only person to say this.

“Lot of fun to be around” ....... LOLLLLL.

Me: No, Naruto!!! Clearly not. No one in your universe can have fun with him except you. Go and Ask Sai, Team Taka or your own Team 7. They adore him for being Cool and Talented. But Fun is not the word that equates with Sasuke unless there is no You, Naruto.

Thanks for reading :-D

[acknowledgetheabsurd]

“I cannot go to sleep tonight without first telling you a little of what I have locked up in my heart. Yesterday, already, I had to give up writing to you. I got up at 7 o'clock in the morning and spent my whole day on the radio, and my evening, as of course, at the theater. In the morning, we recorded rue Paul-Lelong, a difficult sequence - with orchestra, choirs, and singers - of Hélène and Faust. We finished at 1 and 2 o'clock. We started another sequence of the same show on rue François-Ier. I took advantage of the hour to go home: I was hoping for an unexpected letter... and there it was.

My dear, dear love, I beg you, regret, sorrow, suffer, suffocate, shout, scream if you want, but, I beg you, don't doubt my love for a moment. It's useless and silly, my darling. It's making you and me grieve for nothing. I love you, I love you forever, or rather, I live by you. I know that, I'm sure of it, and every day of presence or absence only confirms once more this wonderful feeling of existing only for you. Since you left, everything I've done is to wait for you, to please you, to prepare myself for you.

The extra work that I have assigned to myself is indispensable to me; too long is still separating me from you to be able to accept a moment of peace or rest. When by chance I am surprised by a few minutes of vacation, I suddenly plunge into such a state of destitution that it would take very little - a very small weakness - for me to plant everything there, take the train, and overthrow all order, flee to you risking your very love. To dominate myself I invent a new toil, I spend my time dominating myself: it's exhausting. To dominate myself and to kill in me what makes me live, you and your image; what a strange life! Oh, you; you as your last letter. You, all small, all cold, all fragile; you, all clear and all trembling and all helpless! How I wish I could have you against me, your beautiful forehead under my hand; you, forsaken, as I now know.

My dear, dear love... Yes; tell me everything; complain if you feel it, rejoice if you feel it. Tell me; tell me all your heart; it is the only happiness that can be granted to me during these weeks to come. But, I beg of you, reject all false images. I love you to the point of madness and of my utmost wisdom. Work. Work, my darling. Work and heal yourself. Look and see the sun, for you and for me and the beautiful blue sky. I'll enjoy it so much later. Taste everything for me. Enjoy everything for both of us. It's silly to say all this in words, but I feel it so strongly. You see?

By the end of this week you should have put on a pound. And you'd also have to be surrounded by a lot of pages covered with this writing that holds my heart every time I see it. Even if they have to end up in the basket. How's your cold? Me, as I expected, after Friday's treatments, I woke up yesterday fresh and crisp - a thick brute of good nature! But it was a heavy day, and when I went to bed at one o'clock in the morning, I had no strength left to turn off the light. Indeed, in the afternoon, after finishing the second sequence of Hélène and Faust, I still recorded scenes from Shakespeare until seven o'clock. And we performed in the evening in front of a large Saturday audience, applauding, but also talkative, with a cold, nervous and strong in numbers. When they come en masse like that, you have to hold them at arm's length, don't let them go for a second; the c in crowd is always aggressive.

Today I got up at 11 o'clock. Nine hours of sleep! It's been a long time since that happened to me. The effect was radical: I couldn't get up. There was sunshine in my room, I mean... sunshine! A shadow of the sun, a kind of glow that wanted to remind me that there is a sun in the universe. I don't know why, it put me in a really unexpected state of rage. I dove back under the sheets to sleep a little longer. All day long...! I had a nightmare and Angeles came back to pull me out of bed. Morning and evening. Less people (105,000), but good, very good. Photos for two American magazines. Dinner at Les Souris. And in the middle of it all a headache that goes up, goes up...

Evening. Good audience. Very hot. Poor Serge had a good laugh at the end of the 3rd. Our "leader", always dignified, entered the stage in a curious way, bumping into the frame, still keeping his dignity, and Serge plunged his face in his hands and was forced to leave without signing himself, without even letting me answer him "Russia will be beautiful". Luckily, this did not show, because I remained impassive, not having noticed the incident. Congratulations. Headache. Smile. Back. Dinner at my house - make-up removal. Bath. Dad's a bit better, although I think he's a bit tired. I took a pill and I fight against my eyelids, which weigh a hundred kilos. I'm also fighting a lot of other things.

Oh! To be able to let me go in your arms! Against you! You see? I'm complaining too, and I didn't want to bore you with my whining either, but who can I tell? Who to talk to? I'm done for tonight. See you tomorrow, my dear love. See you tomorrow. Sleep, Albert darling, sleep well. I love you.”

Maria Casarès to Albert Camus, Correspondance, January 9, 1950 [#122]

[thegingeralien]

Thought I might share my “doing homework with adhd” tips in case the might help even just one person (because that would make me feel happy).

Who am I to be giving you advice? Good point! I am still terrible at studying and I’m 26 and at University for the millionth time. But I have studied A LOT in my 22 years of schooling with varying degrees of success.

I see a lot of people, especially teenagers or first year university/college students, with ADHD asking for tips on how to study. But if you do a google search most of the websites and advice that comes up can be extremely ableist. So I hope I can help someone!

TIPS TO HELP YOU STUDY WHEN YOU HAVE AN ADHD GREMLIN BRAIN!:

1. Chewing gum!

- This might come across as a weird one, but it has actually really helped me. I use it as a form of stimming to help keep me focused and concentrating. Other forms of stimming can potentially end up being more of a distraction when you actually need to be reading or writing - but they can help if you just need to be listening. Try not to get a bubble gum or fun flavoured one though - as they can end up making your mouth feel dry, lose flavour quickly, and just give your brain way too many sensory things to become distracted with.

2. Buying colour coded stationary!

- New stationary can make me really excited to start studying, but that excitement never lasts long and the act of buying stationary can sometimes become it’s own hobby. That’s not what we are going for here. I really recommend, especially if you are a visual learner like me, to buy colour coded stationary. This means removable page markers, different coloured post it notes, highlighters, sometimes even pens. This way if your mind jumps from one topic to the other, it doesn’t matter. Go with the flow. Forcing your ADHD gremlin brain to focus can be extremely counter intuitive. So pick a colour for each topic, and stick to that system to find organisation among your own chaos!

3. Buy a really cheap, boring year diary with hardly any writing inside.

- Not sure if your school/university has their own diary but they can be perfect for what I am on about. Generally you can find them for really cheap, soft cover, no writing or designs within the dates. Just dates, days, weeks and lines where you can write your homework. This helped me a lot in High School. I wish I had kept doing it in University, but I am good with giving advice, and not so much with taking it. I used to decorate the outside of it however I wanted. Some years I would redecorate the same diary every semester. In the public holidays or holiday days I would colour those lines in with different highlighters to make it look like a rainbow. But every assignment due date, homework, draft, rewrite, form I had to bring back, library book due date, school activity days, ANYTHING to do with school I would write in there with reminds and check lists. Important due dates would be highlighted, general homework and daily to do lists t(o help me not leave my assignments to the last minute) would have a tick box beside them (because ticking tick boxes is free dopamine). Try to not put birthdays or fun things in it. This is a small way to stay on track so it helps you actually stay on track with the big things when you’re home.

4. Big whiteboards stuck on the wall where you can’t avoid it.

- This is not something I had in school, but I so wish I did. I have been using this recently to keep on top of house work (as maintaining your own house is tiring) and my small business or other things I really can’t avoid. If I physically write it down (not just in my phone) it psychologically does help you commit it to memory. Again, physically putting a line through a task you just completed is a hecking great rush of dopamine. But the biggest reason I love my white board, I can’t ignore it. It is stuck to the wall and is never out of sight, out of mind. I can’t put my phone or diary down and then refuse to look at it until I’m past the due date. Again, I’m not a perfect person, there are days where I don’t do anything I have written on the white board. But the great thing is, I don’t have to continuously feel like I failure, as I can wipe it all off the next morning or week and start fresh. I also put important things I have to remember that I’m doing during the week so I don’t forget them.

5. Icky Medication.

- I know not everyone wants to be on medication, and I understand. I am not forcing you to. No matter what your opinions are, you lovely gremlin who is still reading this post, regarding medication, you are valid and I respect you. My personal experience with medication has not been the best. I have been misdiagnosed for a severe chunk of my academic life which has seen me trying to focus and maintain school work under some even worse states then I am unmedicated! However, since receiving my diagnosis and finding the right ADHD medication for me, I have the ability to get so much work done without having to unnecessarily struggle. It’s unfortunately not magic, it will not turn me into a robot that makes me do work and turn out incredible, noble peace prize winning assignments (as much as I wish that were possible). I still have the ability to be a lump, doom scrolling through tumblr, forgetting to eat, and ignoring responsibilities. But it really helps me when I sit down and start that thing that isn’t fun. Yesterday it helped me hyperfocus on cleaning my office which was a terrifying room to be in. So it’s pretty close to magic in my opinion!

6. Accessing Disability Support at your place of learning.

- Not all of you taking the time to read this will have either a) an offical diagnosis or b) a good disability support available to you wherever you are completing your studies. And that is okay. This dot point just won’t be for you right now. But keep it in mind for a time when it might apply to you, as it’s something I never thought I would need, but will never take for granted ever again.

- If you have an offical diagnosis and Disability Support, make an appointment with the disability support adviser. DO IT NOW! Get your psychiatrist to write a diagnosis letter outlining that you have <enter superpower that makes you hilarious here> and that you are receiving <enter x,y,z treatment here> and that you would benefit from receiving <enter what you have always wished you had on the days you can’t make your ADHD gremlin brain do the thing here>. Now these benefits can be, but not limit to: automatic extensions on ALL assignments, extra time on exams, extra breaks to walk around while taking exams, special consideration when marking assignments, my university allows me to take exams in a separate room with only the other students in my subject who also have disability support (occasionally I have taken an exam alone with only a tutor present) so I don’t get distracted, permission to take fidget items into class or exam (I have the option to wear headphones, as long as I can display that they are not connected to anything). Maybe you can come up with some great ones for you with your disability advisor or your psychiatrist.

- The disability advisor will often go through your course outline with you at the start of each semester or year. This is annoying and a great time for disassociating, but can be useful in hindsight because you are made aware of everything that will come up during your class so you are not surprised. Because lets be honest, it is unlikely you are going to look at the course calendar too often.

- Side Note: I make an appointment every semester with my disability support officer for my area of study to make sure I have my special considerations for the year. Now I may go through the whole year without ever using my considerations. However, the fact that I know they are there takes an insane amount of pressure off of myself. If I’m having an insanely screwy loony tune mental health moment, I can email my coordinator my disability plan and say I need an extension due to personal reasons, and WHOOP, there it izzzzz.

7. Dedicated one thing or a few things that have nothing to do with food/alcohol/other substances to reward yourself with for doing the thing!

- This may not work for everyone. It doesn’t always work for me. I used to reward myself with food, but that only reinforced my stimming with overeating and my already bad relationship with food. And I feel as though that would be the same with any other substance that can be linked with addiction. (Addiction is a tough word, cause what aren’t I addicted to, I have ADHD, but hopefully you get what I mean!).

-Now, boring try and not choose this aside, lets think of somethings that work really well as rewards!

- My partner likes to come give me a kiss and a hug when ever they have written and reread a paragraph, you might buy a book when you get a really good mark, you might want to go make a cup of tea and watch an episode of your hyperfixation after studying for <enter a good period of time here>, you might allow yourself to partake in an activity you usually do while procrastinating (but at least this time you know you aren’t putting something off), talk to someone who you know will tell you they are proud of you as they understand the mental struggle you go through to concentrate (if you can’t think of anyone, it is 110% okay if that person are the amazing people on tumblr or the adhd tumblr chats. We will freaking pop a bottle of champagne for you cause we get it!).

- Try and make what ever you choose be something in a different room or away from your working space. Getting out can really calm you down.

8. Don’t be afraid to ask for assistance.

- This is true for anything, but I don’t mean just asking your teacher to give you extra help understanding the task and marking rubric. Many people online, tutors, librarians at your school, past or present students offer assistance rereading and making small edits (they won’t make it magical unfortunately) to your assignments. If you are like me and once you have written or completed the dreaded thing, you can not imagine or force your gremlin brain reread or edit the thing. So it can help to just delegate this to someone else, who hasn’t read it before, so they won’t disassociate or skim read it. They will often notice things you never would have even if you were neurotypical as that is just what happens when you have been working on something for so long.

9. Repetitive music.

- It generally helps if this has no lyrics. Lo-fi is amazing. Classical is alright too if it works for you, but both my partner and I agree that it can really assist you to keep up pace and focus when the beat is a high and repetitive (almost meditative) tempo.

10. Limit your screen space.

- This is a tip completely from my partner @dr-adhd who also has ADHD, is an avid PC gamer and is consistently in a battle with their gremlin brain to focus on completing their PhD. They have discovered that it really helps them to limit their screen space - simply put, work on one screen only. They have done more work more easily when they have their one screen on their laptop to focus on. Whereas their office has multiple screens so they could be playing runescape, watching YouTube, listening to lo-fi and doing work - which never worked (shocking right hahaha).

11. At the risk of sounding like a Mum... Put your phone and other electronics other than the assignment necessary one, away.

- I am a Mum, but to a fluffy puppy dog, so I hate to sound like my Mum when I was in high school, but she was right. Mobiles are the single easiest and biggest distraction in ADHD history. I often, even at coffee shops, have to turn my phone over so that I am not consistently looking at it every time the screen lights up to say the pizza place has sent me a coupon, or a carpet place that has been having a sale since I was born is... still having a sale, or a friend from school wants you to watch this TikTok. Even though you might not want to ignore your friends, because people pleasing, difficulting making/keeping friends and RSD are hecking real things, but they can all wait. Trust me, none of them are urgent. That TikTok will still be funny in an hour or two. And I’m probably completely right when I say that whomever just messaged you, never replies as quickly as you want them too. So I doubt they are going to think twice if you are MIA to finish your thing.

My partner or I might add to this later, but at the moment I already know that I probably wouldn’t read this wall of words if I was the one reading it, so if you are still with me, THANK YOU and I really hope I might have helped you. Sorry for the mound of words, but maybe you can reblog, screen shot, or save this and read a dot point at a time or refer to it when you need. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, I promise what ever it is, I’ve asked the same thing once in my life or something MUCH stupider.

[miraculouscontent]

*long, deep, exhausted sigh*

So, I just wanna talk real quick about this whole “Adrienette” business in the special. Humor me for a bit.

On a narrative level, the show has designed Marinette and Adrien as endgame. They’re the ones at the forefront, they’re the ones crushing on one side of each other, and they’re the superheroes who protect Paris.

And yet, here I am, having just watched the special, feeling no desire whatsoever for them to be together. This isn’t even about their chemistry for once, no, this about how the show cannot let Marinette make decisions involving their relationship in any way without screwing her over.

She tries to give Adrien gifts? Either someone steals it, a ladybug conveniently flies in to distract her from signing it, or the way she gives it almost leads to the world ending.

She tries to move on because Adrien has openly stated that he’s interested in someone else? Her friends stand up and start loudly arguing about it.

She tries to roleplay - as per Tikki’s advice - in front of an Adrien statue to work up a confession? Oops! The statue was actually Adrien and she just humiliated herself!

She tries to give him up again when Adrien reiterates that he loves another girl? Tikki gives some vague platitude about surprises and the future, which apparently convinces Marinette not to take down her Adrien photos.

She tries a scheme to talk to Adrien? She fails. She tries to just talk to him normally? She fails more.

And now, past three seasons and one special, I’m not even surprised anymore. Any expectation of things going well for Marinette can basically be thrown out the window unless it’s for the sake of shipping fuel and nothing else.

We’re here, post-”Miracle Queen,” and Marinette continues to be a mess around Adrien. She’s still stammering, still freaking out when he touches her, and still getting stuck in situations with him that force her and him together.

People wonder why Marinette still hasn’t changed? They wonder why she can’t move on? I know why.

It’s because she isn’t allowed to, not just because of the narrative/universe/whatever, but because of her surroundings.

I just wanna make it clear that, by “Miracle Queen,” Kagami and Adrien are as close to dating as they’ve ever been, with Kagami kissing Adrien just above the lips in the special, so they’re either actually dating or on such intimate terms that they might as well be.

Marinette has every reason to both want to and try to move on. At this point, her crush can only hurt her. What the special verbalizes as “denial,” I see as Marinette doing whatever she can to only be a friend to Adrien because the girl he loves is not her.

Heck, even if it’s truly a matter of her being in denial, that’s not what the special goes for, because Marinette tells Alya outright, near the beginning, that she needs help seeing Adrien as “just a friend.” Alya vents to Nino about how she wants Marinette to just “be honest with her feelings,” but Marinette is and practically told Alya as much.

Marinette relates dancing with Adrien as “friendly,” along with anything else Alya tries to tease her about. Gee, I wonder why? Maybe it’s because she’s been through it before and has seen signs where there apparently weren’t any. Adrien asked her to dance in “Despair Bear” (at Chloe’s party, which the special incorrectly calls Chloe’s birthday party) but a few episodes pass and Adrien is suddenly asking her for romantic advice to get him with another girl.

Marinette freaks out because every time she tries to be normal, someone mocks her, or Adrien makes a motion to get way too close, and at this point, she has no idea when the next “scheme” will be to force her together with him. Marinette’s anxiety and stuttering are where they are because of how much she’s been through; all the embarrassment and failure that led to no good results, which means that any success at all with Adrien gives her that emotional high (thinly disguised as “love”) for him. I don’t have to wonder why she acts the way she does because I’m seeing it.

When she tries even harder to get to Adrien in Season 3, it’s specifically because of how bad she failed before. It’s, “well, none of these other crazy things I’ve done have worked, so that must mean I have to try even harder!”

Because being in Adrien’s class and being called a “friend” by him is getting her nowhere. He doesn’t spend time with her, he doesn’t know her (at least not enough to know that startling her with a prank won’t help her like him more), and the only forces putting them together are outside ones.

Marinette wants to be friends with Adrien here - she wouldn’t be insisting that everything was friendly between them if she didn’t - but basically no one will let her. Marinette even gave a list of Adrien-related things that she stopped doing nowadays, and what happens?

Alix tries to nail her over something else that she still does, because apparently progress doesn’t matter, and the “joke” that the special keeps trying to hammer home is that Marinette is a wreck who’s still very much into Adrien even though she's trying not to be.

Then, there’s Alya, and I have not been this annoyed with her in a LONG time.

The worst thing to do to someone trying to get over something is to keep bringing it up to them, and Alya was relentless in this special. From start to finish, Alya was doing whatever she could to remind Marinette that her crush is still very much there and it’s agony. Alya is constantly groaning and making faces whenever Marinette denies that there’s anything special about what she did with Adrien, to the point where she pulls a “The Puppeteer 2″ and tries to force them together herself.

And the mocking does not end. I counted at least three instances of Alya using “friend” sarcastically to describe how Marinette felt towards Adrien, and that’s only counting the ones where she used actual airquotes.

At one point during the beginning, Marinette goes to Alya to talk about how she can’t sit next to Adrien. Alya proceeds to say that “there’s still time to get off the plane” and goes on about how “romantic” New York will be. Marinette freaks out at the mental images that enter her head and screams that she “has to get out of here” (not “I need to be moved,” but a clear indication of get me off this plane I DO NOT want this) but when Ms. Mendeleiev asks what’s wrong, Alya doesn’t ask for Marinette to be taken off the plane (which hasn’t taken off yet) and just asks her to be moved elsewhere.

It’s outright uncomfortable how much Alya keeps pressing the issue of Marinette feeling “more than friendly” feelings to Adrien. When Adrien is leaving New York to go back with his father, Alya yells at Marinette and makes it about Marinette’s crush, as if Marinette can’t want Adrien to stay unless she has a crush on him.

The special makes Marinette’s situation all about “do you have a crush on him or not” and it’s awful. It hammers away at Marinette, repeatedly, then continues the typical Treatment of Marinette “humor” by having her walk by all the couples (DJWifi, Myvan, and Julerose) in the beginning of the special while she’s on her way to the bathroom of the plane, then jostles the plane at just the right time for her to be soaked and get toilet paper in her hair.

This special never should have been about Marinette trying to confess to Adrien (and, y’know, forcing her too). That’s not important here. What was important to teach Marinette was, “You have a crush, and that’s okay even if he likes someone else as long as you’re working on it and know what you want to do about it.”

Marinette’s agency is completely stripped away for this entire special because everything is a matter of convenience or by force of the plot. Even by the matter of Chat Noir not being in Paris, it’s technically Marinette’s fault because she tried to convince Adrien’s dad to let Adrien go (the scene of her deciding to do this, by the way, also comes off as if she’s not allowed to want this for him and be just his friend). The show doesn’t acknowledge it because it can’t, but the implications are there.

When Marinette suffers, it’s most likely because of Adrien, whether it’s his fault or just the stars aligning to form a middle finger at her. No matter what she tries to do, fate will work against her.

But here’s the special, insisting that they’re “made for each other,” pointing it out more than once, verbally, by one of the characters.

Here’s the tea, honey: if Marinette and Adrien were really made for each other, then I wouldn’t have to be told that they are.

The more that I’m told, the less I actually believe it, and this special comes nowhere close to making me believe it.

Instead of showing me that they should be together, all this special does is find any contrived situation it can to force them to interact, without realizing that all it’s doing is proving that they shouldn’t be together specifically because the interaction needs to be forced. If Adrienette was a ship I wanted to consider worthy of being endgame, the special wouldn’t need to shove them together needlessly.

It wouldn’t need to have their airplane seats happen to be right next to each other.

It wouldn’t need them to happen to wake up before everyone else to watch the clouds.

It wouldn’t need the two sets of automatic doors to stop working to trap them in the area in-between, twice.

It wouldn’t need them to happen to stumble into the same room together so someone can comment on how they’re, again, “made for each other.”

It wouldn’t need the magic hot dog they eat to be the one that happens to send them up in the air so they can dance together.

And it especially wouldn’t need the contrived moments of Marinette accidentally forcing her seat back so Adrien falls on top of her, or the plane jostling at just the right time to force her against him, or her and Adrien touching hands (ala “Gamer”) before she looks away in embarrassment.

Heck, I don’t even like Adrien, but with how his and Kagami’s relationship seems to be going, I’m disgusted for him too when Nino is going full-force on trying to get Adrien to notice Marinette. Adrien has no idea that any of this is going on and is just being strung along with all of it, whereas Marinette is stuck along for the ride whether she likes it or not.

People can have whatever opinion of Lukanette they want, but one person who didn’t make things worse for her was Luka himself. He shows up briefly in the opening, giving her a ride on his bike to catch up with the bus that’s taking the class to the airport. When Marinette worries that they won’t make it, Luka insists that they will because he knows how important the trip is for her. Marinette asks if he’s referring to Adrien and nervously tries to insists that she and Adrien are just friends and that’s all she sees Adrien as.

But Luka doesn’t mock her, nor laugh at her for it, because he doesn’t have to and he gets it. Unlike people who constantly try to force Marinette’s hand, Luka lets her figure things out on her own.

And when they finally come to a stop next to the bus, he doesn’t put any emphasis on Adrien. All he tells Marinette is that the importance of the trip is for her to get some clarity.

That is the closest thing to what I wanted (and just emphasizes how much I adore Luka and how refreshing his interactions with Marinette are), but it’s the farthest thing from what she actually gets.

How am I supposed to believe that Marinette and Adrien have a genuine relationship deserving of endgame when her feelings are constantly being forced in one direction? How am I supposed to believe anything about them when it’s not natural? How am I supposed to believe that this is the couple that’s “made for each other” when the show is so desperate to make me believe it that they’ll say it outright?

Because, obviously, I don’t believe any of that, and all this special has done is make my disdain for the love square even stronger.

That’s a failing grade if I’ve ever seen one. What a waste.

[black-rose-writings]

I read Ruin and Rising because I’m bored

And I also hate myself

Like with the last book, I have a vague idea of the plot and stuff from tumblr and fanfics. I will also be refering to Darkling as Sasha for most of this.

I am still Darklina trash and don’t particularly like Mal.

On a different note, I’ve finally moved for college, but the internet here is trash, so I’ll probably have a lot more reading time now, since most games I play are online and will crash without internet.

Before

Cool story. Let’s hope Alina stays a badass.

Who am I joking, I know how this ends.

Chapter 1

So far so good. I hate the Apparat, per usual. Alina’s there basically dying and that bitch can’t wait to see her do so.

Cult leader to the core this one. He probably hates that his figurehead is alive and also not brainwashed.

Cult leader doesn’t like swearing. How surprising.

My boy David is completely right. What kind of irresponsible dingus keeps centuries old books in a fucking wet-ass cave? (Or a tree for that matter *cough cough* The Last Jedi *cough, cough*).

Genya is fun to be around.

Oh, shit, let’s go.

Chapter 2

Jesus Christ, Alina, Zoya isn’t that bad.

This is one hell of a shitshow.

I live for this version of Alina. Badass. Scary. I want more of this Alina.

Chapter 3

Out of all the random little details from crappy smut fics, I did not expect Oncat to be from the books, lol.

Mal actually has a supernatural tracking ability. Like, literally, they put a bug into the pouch with gunpowder so he could make the shot. I guess this was kinda said before, but never this directly, right?

Alina’s merzost-skyping Sasha now, yay.

Alina is horny for Sasha boy. Yay.

Alina canonically has a praise kink. Nice.

I hate LB with all of my heart at this very moment. How dare she bait us Darklina people like this? How DARE she? (Shipbaiting is the worst, seriously.)

Yes, yes, yes. These two lines. That’s what their relationship is all about. They’re each others foils, the yin to the other’s yang and... ugh. I am Darklina trash to the core and this hurts.

Darklina: You have a terrible taste in men.

Alina: I liked you once.

My boy Sasha walked into that one.

Chapter 4

Alina is a Queen. And we love her.

David, my beloved, my spirit animal.

It’s surprising they can read it at all, given it’s been centuries. Have you ever tried reading medieval manuscripts?

Honestly, with a father that crazy, it’s no wonder Baghra’s a bitch. And I’ve seen it said somewhere that the books imply Ilya’s experiments are what caused Baghra to be a shadow summoner and you know what? I can see how you’d make that connection.

Why is there so few Tidemakers in the books? Waterbenders are useful. I want more waterbenders.

Alina picking up some habits from Baghra I see.

Ah, yes, we love an educated giant.

I’m starting to think Harshaw is a bit nuts.

Shut up, Hershey. Or at least share the weed with the class. I’m not here for this “He’s mean to you because he likes you”. I might believe that in like, elementary school, but yall are (more or less) adults. Jesus.

Well, that was a bombshell of a twist.

Chapter 5

Oh boy, we’ve got some trauma bonding for out merry band of misfits. Yay.

Adrik has a crush on Zoya. And she hates it, lol. Cut the kid some slack, he’s like 15 or something.

That reminds me, I have a four-leaf clover pressed in books from close to year and a half ago. Time flies.

They’re really diving into the Mal has supernatural powers, huh?

Ghosts, let’s go.

Alina “I’m so happy to be outside I start to shine like a fucking fairy” Starkov and Mal is entranced. He’s definitelly nicer now. I’m not forgiving him for all the shit he’s pulled before and for using the silent treatment way too much, but hey, at least he’s improving.

I am not a Zoyalina person, but like... gay? Please? Rivals to grudging allies to friends to lovers, 300k slowburn? Sounds more fun than whatever Mala dn Alina have going on, lol.

(I’m starting to realize I’m not as much a Darklina person as I am anti-Malina person, lol. Like, literally everyone has a more interesting dynamic with Alina than tracker boy over there. Malina is at best boring AF and at worst toxic, codependent and emotionally abusive, while also being boring AF at the same time. It has literally nothing going for it except God herself liking it).

I can see why Nadia is gay in the show. The book version of her definitelly has a crush on Tamar. Homegirl likes a woman, who can murder her with the flick of her wrist and honestly? Same.

Alina has some big “coming out of lockdown after a year” energy atm.

The cat is one of the most realistic characters in this thing, lol.

And since Tamar is also heavily queercoded, our lovely ladies make off into the night, flirting. Or maybe not. Let me dream, though.

At least Blade Boy is aware that his tattoo is stupid. To quote someone ranting about him on tumblr: He’s embracing his identity as a tool.

Oh, boy, this will be fun.

Evil soldier is horny for Mal. Saints, is there a woman in this book who isn’t horny for Blade Boy?

And here comes Niki to save the day.

Chapter 6

Niki saved the day.

Fiberglass? And David being David. Genya being in love with her nerd of a boyfriend.

Jesus Christ, this one crazy kid has moved the technology in this universe a whole century on his own. So, when is David going to propose to him?

Baghra hasn’t changed much I see.

Baghra’s about to drop some truthbombs, but no, we have to be rudely interupted because Genya’s rapist is throwing a fit.

Chapter 7

How does Mal sound? Is she gonna say the Blade boy sounds like her dad? I mean, I know voices are partially genetic, but it has been tens of generations between them, probably.

So, we’re finally taking Genya’s trauma seriously after all this time? Good. Better late than never, I guess.

I wish that regicide was already finished and I’m pretty sure that Genya does, too. Stop defending the fucking king, narrative.

David’s a nerd in all things I see.

Someone please just kill the king already. And the queen, too, for good measure.

Now that’s a romance.

Infodumping and listening to said infodumps is a legitimate love language, Alina. Let them nerd out over poisons.

Wait, has Alina never directly killed anyone before? I thought she did... hmmm.

And just like that, it should have been over. Ugh.

Somehow, Baghra is a better teacher now than she was before. She half feels like a completely different character.

Nevermind, she’s back at it.

Chapter 8

Holy shit, Nadia and Tamar are canon. They have canon gays here.

So, which one of them is gonna die?

Chapter 9

We arrive at that scene. The one, where they should have fucked.

Jeez, girl, get a hold of yourself. Life is short, fuck a villain.

In other news, Genya and David definitelly fucked.

Chapter 10

Poor David. He just wanted to know.

Damn... I never realized just how young Baghra was, when she killed her sister.

I’ve already made a post about this, but it really does strike me like Baghra has already decided to end her life at this point in the book.

Why is that whole “but what if we’re related” thing even in there?

Chapter 11

We love a suprise attack.

When did Sasha boy learn that trick?

Baghra really just did that. Oh boy.

Chapter 12

No, don’t kill the kid... ugh.

Emotiona support cat. She should be friends with Milo.

Porrige for brains. Oof.

So Nadia was the one, who got bees set on her in the book. Cool.

That’s a good question. Why was it never brought up to Alina, that other Grisha get blocks, too?

David already thinking of steampunk prosthetic for Adrik is honestly kinda sweet.

Chapter 13

Back home... kinda.

Is that really... you really care about Mal bonking the Grisha school mean girl over a year ago? Okay.

Chapter 14

Angst! Yay!

And more angst.

Chapter 15

Sasha really went “My mom killed herself to save you? Well, I’ll kill the closest thing to parents you have.”

Chapter 16

Nikolai’s alive. Kinda.

And these two have such a sibling energy, I can’t.

And then they fuck. Ew.

Chapter 17

Wait, wait wait... so Alina isn’t even the one to destroy the Fold?

Okay. That’s... weird.

Holy shit. That was...

So, Aleksander is dead. Mal isn’t. Someone else destroyed the Fold for Alina and now she has no powers.

Okay.

That’s a weird-ass ending.

Chapter 18

The gays survived, so that’s nice.

Genya made good on her promise of making Alina a ginger, lol.

After

What emotion is this supposed to give me? Cause all I feel is kinda sad.

[everything-laito]

hey,,, i've seen this controversial opinion about laito not being sexually assaulted by cordelia. . .as the only opinion of laito that matters, what are your thoughts on it? i know you've made some posts in the past about cordelia and laito's relationship, but i think that now would be a good time to i guess, remake a post or clarify your thoughts so people could follow along?? i hope you enjoy your day.

*proceeds to crack all my knuckles at once*

This isn't really my own "response" cuz oh boy I'm sick of this petty ass drama lmao. To begin, SKLDJF I'm very flattered that you hold my opinion in that high of regard! I'd say there's others that have interesting interpretations of him too though :) but again, thank you :') glad you enjoy what I have to say!

I know I've already kinda responded to this via a screenshot here, just to hold you––and others reading this––over. As much as this is a great time to talk about a how-to-analysis, I’ll still put that as a separate post eventually, but I still will go over the philosophy of truth and writings etc. But anyways, to answer your initial questions, they’re under the cut!

And no, I’m not specifically calling anyone out here. These are just issues with the fandom that I find as a whole, along with some extremists. Thus, I’m not going to be putting tags for people to easily find this post because I don’t want to be wound up in this drama––once again this is just more commentary on the fandom as a whole, which hopefully you can apply to people you find!

I have a lot of my own thoughts about Cordelia and Laito’s relationship here (just in case if people need it):

1. Goes over potential grooming of Laito, facts about Cordelia and what happened before she did stuff to Laito, and when did she rape Laito for the first time?

2. Stuff about incest and how any relationship out of a parental/child relationship is abuse even if it’s not penetrative sex, more incest stuff, and just more thoughts on their relationship

3. Neuroplasticity, trauma, Karlheinz, and isolation

4. What does sexual trauma look like? And some stuff on Laito’s facade

5. More stuff on his facade, and projection on Yui

6. My thoughts on Laito’s dark fate vampire ending + Conclusion

7. Answering some inbox stuff relating to Cordelia

Sure I realize I might be missing some stuff but that’s just my whole analysis on them. I’ll probably make some follow up posts eventually but I’m not sure when that will be.

But as for this analysis/ramble, I’ll divide it up into sections:

The issue of hypocrisy in the Dialovers fandom:

I- oh dear god. Ok, just saying, there’s a lot of people being like “oh I hate Cordelia because she was abusive” then ??? yo??? Why do you like the boys?? They’re abusive and we see more of them than Cordelia??? I just personally hate hypocrisy. However, it’s okay to hate Cordelia! It’s okay to love Cordelia! It’s okay to hate the boys and it’s okay to love the boys too. But recognizing that you don’t like one or the other just because “they’re abusive” is a fallacy at that point.

The reason why so many people hate Karlheinz/Cordelia/Beatrix/Christa/Richter (or at least start off hating them) is because they are written as the villains of the story! Karl’s the main villain, and the rest (including the diaboys and Yui) are kinda just tragically wound up in his plans. You sympathize more with the boys because you spend more time with them and watch them grow! It’s a whole “us vs them” situation. Since those people were awful to the boys/the boys hate them, you’re like “yeah they’re bad!” But the issue with the whole “us vs them” situation (as in real life) is that people tend to excuse the actions done by the “us” party.

Same thing goes with extreme Karl/Cordelia/Richter fans (I’ve never seen a hardcore Beatrix/Christa fan but they’re probably out there). Some hate the diaboys but love the people in that party. They’ve also done some shitty stuff too! Bro, even Yui has done some terrible stuff! But that’s because she was a product of the events she was thrown into––and same with everyone else.

Karl has been the mastermind of all this, and for me I don’t have any sympathy for him, mainly because we’re not shown anything to sympathize with (except that he just is tired of living but idk why he wants to create a whole new race like lmao science nerd ig, I feel that king). A lot of people like him for his looks, and I’m not saying that’s a bad thing––he’s a fictional character, objectify these characters however you want. This is more of a personal opinion of mine though. And maybe people do just sympathize with his outlook on life, that’s totally fine.

But since these characters are all attractive in their own regard, they all get the treatment of “pretty-boy” syndrome (Idek if that’s the exact name for it). Which is just the privilege pretty people get. But again, this is fictional, so it’s not necessarily important in this case. Bro I got into DL cuz of “ooga booga hot vampires” and stayed for the complex lore and characters (especially one complex character, wonder who that could be). I imagine most people got into DL because of that, or out of sheer curiosity.

Ok, I’m throwing out a lot of points but not really connecting them. Lemme give you an example: I don’t like Reiji. His character doesn’t vibe with me most of the time aside from the fact that he’s hilarious. But I just am very neutral/neutral-negative on his character. But I’m not like “oh cuz he’s mean/abusive” cuz LOL EVERYONES MEAN IN THIS GAME. Sure you can still say that, it’s just not a very strong claim. Hypocritical claims tend to be like that. Same with a lot of Yui haters. In this case, they’re more jealous that she’s there and not them, which I’ve explained a lot in this post about toxic femininity and Yui in the fandom etc. But it’s ok to just not like a character! It’s alright! I know someone who just doesn’t vibe with Subaru. She doesn’t know why, she just doesn’t vibe with him. There’s no need to defend it either. But the use of hypocrisy is my main issue, and I’ll get to that in the next section.

(There’s a really good post explaining this too but I cannot find it for the life of me. I think it was made by @/abottleofkarlheinz or @/the-madame21)

How opinions of fictional universes left unchecked can effect real life:

I’ve said this a little bit in that Dialover PSA post I’ve made about Yui that I linked a couple paragraphs ago. But the reasons why people say they hate Yui is concerning. If you don’t like Yui, that’s totally fine! Again you don’t need reasons to hate on a character or defend it. But if you do choose to defend those characters, make sure what you’re saying isn’t out of some other place in your heart. Let me explain.

In that “Yui PSA” post I made, I say how your attitudes in being critical of a fictional universe usually does reflect on who you are as a person, at least when you’re making certain claims. In that Yui post, I say that the hatred on Yui is a result of the “other girl” mentality. On top of that, it erases her experience as a survivor. Yes, this is a fictional character, but bringing that into real life can have some dire consequences if you don’t differentiate them. If you have the same attitude of Yui with other survivors if the “abuser is hot” then thaaaaaat’s so fucked up.

For example, there’s people who have crushes on real life serial killers! That- that’s absolutely disgusting! Those real people killed living people and effected so many lives and families. Dude I have fictional crushes on fictional serial killers, and that’s different, because it is a removed universe. It’s why I can still call myself a lesbian but still have crushes on fictional male characters, for a further example (and vice versa! I have straight friends who crush on fictional characters of their same gender! But that doesn’t make them any less straight. And no, I’m not erasing bi people here either, just clarifying in case if you needed that).

Not being able to differentiate your opinions of a fictional universe can get very toxic. Like I love Laito, but I’m not like “omg I wish he was real so he could do that stuff to me uwu” like no!!! UH!!! I wouldn’t want to date anyone like him in real life! That’s literal abuse! And if Laito was here in real life it’s not a controlled environment, he’d literally be able to do anything with you, etc. That’s what makes a fantasy, a fantasy. They’re controlled.

Also vice versa, some people get really triggered by Dialovers, specifically Laito’s route. A lot of non-consensual acts that he does have been experienced by people in real life in any extent, myself included. For me, it’s a personal escape from that, because it is an environment where I am prepared for those events and can control my exposure to it. For some, they are reminded of the reality they had to experience. Fictional universes are inspired by real life, no matter what way you look at it. Real life people are making it, after all.

I feel like I’m going in so many circles, but trust me, I’m getting to the point.

I- I can’t explain this enough but it is most definitely implied that Cordelia had raped and sexually abused Laito. If it was explicit, DL would be an 18+ game, but they cannot do that in Japan. I’m not going to like defend this point because so many people (myself included) have defended this point. It’s implications carry over into Laito’s character and why he’s like this. He’s a textbook sexual abuse survivor. I just,,,, cannot explain this enough. Same thing with overwriting the abuse of Yui. They get jealous of Yui. Sure I’d say a good chunk of people have ravishment fantasies here. At least the 18+ people in the fandom who are into that stuff. But oh my dear god, ravishment fantasies are super super dangerous to enact in real life. It’s possible to do them, but it would take years of building up to that point in kink. That’s a whole other discussion though and I’m not incredibly comfortable talking about it knowing that minors read my blog (I’ll also have to say here: no minors in kink--its alright to educate yourself but pleaaaaaaaaaase don’t enact on any of those activities until you are of age, and even so that still can be dangerous right as you turn 18).

But anyways, saying that Yui should enjoy this because she’s experienced the ravishment fantasy you’ve dreamed of? Oh fucking hell, if you leave that opinion and mentality unchecked and it goes into real life, that’s incredibly awful. Abuse apologists are absolutely terrible people, almost as much as the abusers themselves.

If you twist the narrative that Laito loves Cordelia or Yui loves the boys at the end of the first game, that’s still––ughhhhhhhh. Especially when it’s so obvious that Laito has so many mental issues with Cordelia. His whole monologue and breakdown at the end of Dark Fate definitely tells us that he has had such an issue with Cordelia. And MB+ Laito is still Laito. As for Yui, dude she literally goes through stockholm syndrome in the first game like it is so goddamn apparent idek how to explain this at this point.

Ok dear god lmao wow, uh I think that’s answering the first couple of questions?

The philosophy of truth:

“Truth” has been an incredibly debated topic in philosophy for years. Truth is more of a subjective item rather than objective. Sure you can have personal objective truths, but they may not be the same truths for others. For example, a tomato is red. However, that tomato is red to me, because I am not color blind. A red-green color blind person may see the tomato as being brown or more muted in color. That’s their truth. They can’t really imagine what red is (ok depending on severity of their color blindness), considering they have not experienced the color red in the same way people who don’t have color blindness do. God uh, here’s a whole ass essay about truth, I’m cherry picking some of the things in there that are relevant to this.

Basically what I’m saying is, truth is very subjective. However, there are philosophers arguing a more objective truth. But that’s a whole other discussion. Also, this isn’t to support any political opinion, but I can use that as an example. Let’s go for well... The death penalty. I’m in America, we have the death penalty in some states. Yes, this is a very controversial topic, and no I’m not arguing the ethics of it here. Just hear me out.

If you live in Europe for example (except in Belarus and Russia––ok when I looked it up they consider Russia in Europe and technically it is but also there’s the whole chunk that is not- lmao even the truth of geography can be subjective), you might be like “yeah what the fuck are Americans doing?” (a common sentiment that I also share lmao). But yeah, what the fuck are we doing? Why is the death penalty still in existence? Yes, there’s statistics that prove that it doesn’t deter crime, but even crime rates is caused by a lot of different things too. Even statistics aren’t always accurate, because of many different factors. They’re not objective either, although good statisticians try their best to get good results and not skew the data. (please try to see where your data is coming from and who it is sponsored by––it matters a TON)

I’d say the closest thing we have as an objective truth to argue the death penalty or not is money. Money, although the concept is subjective, is a very objective currency. It’s why artists hate “exposure” compared to “money” as sole currency. The death penalty is very expensive, and not even used that often.

So, although money is currency made by us, and is technically 75% linen and 25% cotton (in America at least) with some funky dudes n numbers printed on it, it doesn’t sound that special. However, it would be considered as a baseline of some type of “objective truth” in ~society~ because people are typically on the same page of what money’s worth. Even so, this baseline of truth is still subjective! If Bill Gates accidentally has a $20 bill fall out of his pocket, that’s nothing to him! But if someone who’s working very hard to make ends meet loses that same amount of money, it could deal a lot of financial damage to that person.

Ok, hopefully you guys kind of get my drift. There are a lot of theories of truth, I’m just explaining one (honestly I forget the name of this theory) because it is the closest to the types of truth we are dealing with. And in this case, it’s called “canon.”

What the fuck is analysis:

The concept of “canon” is the objective truth that we have when analyzing universes. They’re our bread and butter of interpretation and extrapolation. The art of analysis clings to this notion of an objective truth. It needs a baseline. I’m going off of Aristotle’s rhetorical triangle, because that type of analysis I have the most experience with.

This is called rhetorical analysis. Rhetoric is the use of words in a persuasive fashion, and the analysis part is a breakdown of how words are used in order to achieve persuasiveness. I don’t typically use a lot of explicit rhetorical analysis in my personal writings, but I guess a version of it. Which typically has to deal with intention and execution. A lot of analysis on language has to do with this. Language is incredibly subjective. Certain words carry individual meanings to people. I have gone over the difference between real and lexical definitions before, and I’ll do it again.

I’ll just copy and paste what I’ve said before here from this analysis:

To put it simply, lexical definitions are the definitions you find in the dictionary. This is an “official” and “agreed upon” definition. Real definitions (quite a misleading name in my opinion) is the definition that’s more kind of “felt” in a way and how you internally interpret the word in context (these can be through individuals or any niche group). What I mean by this is that when you say a word (for example) to convey a feeling, you usually won’t know the dictionary definition off the top of your head. You say that something’s “savage” for example when you want to describe something violent or gruesomely awesome (it depends if it’s in a slang context or not) but there’s many lexical definitions (and outdated lexical definitions) of the term. But the first definition that usually comes up is “adj (of an animal or force of nature) fierce, violent, and uncontrolled.”

But people typically don’t think of the lexical definition when they learn what a word means; they usually learn the context of it and apply it as such. And that’s what a “real” definition is. Laito has a differing definition of what affection and love is, and that’s his own meaning and what it means to him.

I’ll even add another example to that too. The word “cunt” in english refers to a vagina. That’s just it. It’s lexically synonymous with “vagina,” “pussy,” etc. However, “cunt” has a subjective meaning to it. This is where “real” definitions also come into play. Many people view the word as vulgar and dirty. And that’s cuz we live in a ~society~ lmao. Our use of language has shaped what this word means in a context outside of the dictionary. I’ll do you one more. The Japanese word マンコ (manko) is also vulgar slang that’s kind of like our word “cunt/pussy.” Sometimes I say “cunt” for jokes, but I don’t use it that often to begin with since it’s just a very strong word to most (albeit it’s not that strong of a word for me). However, マンコ is a strong word to many Japanese people, but if I hear it even though I’ve been learning Japanese, it doesn’t have that same effect as hearing “cunt” for me is (which still, idc if I really hear it depending on context) because I haven’t been shaped in a culture that uses Japanese.

Even so, tone, intention, and context is HUGE in this. If someone called me a “useless fucking cunt” when they’re angry at me, I’d be close to crying. If someone told that to me as a joke, I’d be like “lol yeah you right, bitchass” and if someone said that in a consensual sexual context, it would certainly tickle my masochistic heart.

DSLKFJ also sorry if you don’t like hearing that word, I just had to utilize a strong example for this. But anyways, now let’s change the lens to Dialovers.

No, it never explicitly says that Cordelia rapes Laito. It doesn’t. However, there’s this WACKY thing called being able to infer, reading between the lines, and identifying implications. Those are kind of all the same things. However, indirect exposition is used a lot in effective creative writing. The utilization of this type of exposition is more preferred when writing a story, because direct exposition is kind of referred to as “info-dumping” when used excessively. Forgive my jargon: this is just showing vs telling as we’re taught in every writing class. I’m personally very bad at it, which is why I stick to writing these, and stick to reading creative fiction. (NOT SAYING IF YOU’RE NOT GOOD AT THIS TO NOT CONTINUE TO PRACTICE CREATIVE FICTION, I JUST DONT HAVE THE CURRENT MOTIVATION TO GET GOOD AT IT)

Dialovers uses a LOOOOOT of showing. And even so, its “showing” ability is very minimal considering the Japanese language can be vague on its own, it’s medium (visual novel) does not show a lot of things explicitly most of the time (and even when it is shown it doesn’t convey a lot). There’s several CGs of Laito and Yui where it doesn’t show the amount of pain or the dire situation Yui’s in, compared to what she’s saying she’s going through.

When I made my whole breakdown on Laito’s HDB route from Yui’s perspective, I got several comments about how they didn’t realize how bad his route really was. That’s either because people might not have experience with verbal abuse themselves, can’t exactly see Yui’s body language except her head (and even so, her expressions are limited), or don’t know a lot of gaslighting/verbal abuse techniques/have done research into it. Honestly verbal abuse is kind of hard to realize, so I’m not calling anyone dumb here. Despite me knowing a lot of the signs, I didn’t know I went through it––and even so I’ve denied it. And that’s what is so effective about this game though! Especially Laito’s route! Because you’re also sucked in with limited knowledge because you’re seeing this through Yui’s perspective, and on top of that it’s isolating. You can only make so many choices, and I feel like Dialovers is perfect as a visual novel. You get caught up with a lot of shock value things that Laito says, which serves as a perfect distraction for your first time through. But anyways, I’m getting off track.

For example, many people found his Maniac 07 chapter to be very confusing. I broke that one down here as well, and even so I was confused at first (also I was like 14/15, dear god). It tells you SO little, but you know that Laito’s incredibly upset at Richter for some reason, and even so, Yui comments on it a little too. Laito is shown to still hate Richter in DF, but he talks about it a tad more.

Here’s a further example from my writings in that first part of the Cordelia/Laito analysis series but I have bolded the terms I use to convey this rhetoric:

There hasn’t been any flashbacks that specifically show us the first time that happened. However, I believe that there was a flashback in HDB that shows one of the first times. Here’s a scene from Laito’s Dark Epilogue:

Cordelia: ー Laito…Laito… Laito: …Hm? Is something the matter? Cordelia: I have a favor to ask. It just isn’t enough. You can do it, right Laito? Laito: You really are something…So that’s why you came to me again? Cordelia: Fufufu…That’s right, Laito. Come on, quickly… Laito: …Guess it can’t be helped. I’ll love you plenty. Cordelia: Aah…My cute Laito~ I love you. I really do. Laito: I can do it…right? Cordelia: Of course, Laito. Now, quickly…

First of all, ew. Second of all, Laito’s diction implies that this was maybe the second or third time this occurred. He asks a question, and ends it with “again.” We know by this that it is not the first time, but the question also means that Laito might not have expected to occur again. His tone also implies some surprise to it, at least in my ears. His other question, “I can do it, right?” screams hesitance to me. If this scene took place down the line, or after many times he did this with Cordelia, I don’t believe he’d be some level of surprised or hesitance.

That’s what rhetorical analysis is. You take the contextual meaning of the words, the tone they use, and extrapolate what they imply. On top of this, we know that the term “love” here is sexual, implying that they did something sexual. We are not given the details of this, but considering we know that Laito uses “love” before he rapes Yui in the game, we can infer that’s what happened (or something similar) to himself with Cordelia, considering he projects on Yui quite a bit.

I was going to go over what is good/bad analysis, but I think I’ve implied it anyways here. Utilizing separate information from different sources of canon in order to make sense of something is good analysis. That’s our objective truth: canon. I’m not saying I’m the best at analysis, but I am fairly confident in it. It’s how I’m able to attempt to answer some of your “how would Laito react” questions without it being specifically hinted in the game. You cannot cherry pick specific sentences and go off of that alone for analysis. It’s context. It’s reading tone. It’s knowing the characters attitudes towards things, how they speak, etc. There’s a lot going into analysis in general. I know I didn’t elaborate on Aristotle’s rhetorical triangle right now, but that’s for another date I suppose.

Oh dear god I hope I didn’t lose you guys, I know this is a lot of information, but if you have any questions/comments/clarifications, as always, please let me know!

Hope you enjoyed! -Corn

[oliviermiraarmstrongs]

mid-year book freak out tag

thank you @bloody-wonder for giving me an excuse to share my book thoughts!

1. Best Book You’ve Read So Far in 2021?

It’s gotta be The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood; I hear “feminist period novel about mentally ill woman unable to cope in upper-class society” and I am THERE! It’s like [Stefon voice] This book has EVERYTHING: repressed women, a decaying old house, a complex relationship of two sisters, a pulpy sci-fi story-within-a-story-within-a-story, criticism of capitalism and reactionary attitudes and politics, commentary on how conservative society shuns those it perceives to be “other” and a threat to the social order (poor people, socialists, “unconventional” women). It is EXTREMELY my shit.

2. Best Sequel You’ve Read So Far in 2021?

The only one I've read is Siege and Storm, so Siege and Storm! Shadow and Bone was captivating, if a little simplistic, but the sequel really fleshes out the characters, setting, and themes. It’s great to see Alina take a more active role, and I love the exploration of sainthood. 

3. New Release You Haven’t Read Yet, But Want To?

I’m really curious about Michelle Zauner’s memoir Crying in H Mart. Same with Axiom’s End, which I haven’t really been seeking out, but it’s been resting on my list since I like a lot of Lindsay Ellis’ stuff.

4. Most Anticipated Release For Second Half of 2021?

5. Biggest Disappointment?

The Penelopiad by Margaret Atwood. I’ve been getting into Atwood, and I have a soft spot for female-centric retellings of myths, so this was on my list for a long time. It’s not bad; it’s decent as a character study and offers some good perspective on the hanged slave women from The Odyssey, but overall it came off as...bitter? And not in a good way. It’s reasonable to include commentary on how bad things were for women in ancient times, but after a while I’m just like “But there had to be a time when Penelope was happy, right?” But the biggest failing has to be the treatment of Helen. Why a story focused on bringing literary justice to silenced women also characterizes Helen of Troy as a manipulative, arrogant bitch who single-handedly ignited the Trojan War because she enjoys fucking people over, I’ll never know. Ironic that in the opening chapter, Penelope bemoans being used as a yardstick with which to judge other women, and then the book proceeds to do exactly that with her and Helen. Can’t let Penelope have a positive relationship with another woman! There could be some form of unreliable narrator at play, but there’s not much indication that that’s the case here. Even Homer had a more nuanced portrayal of Helen than this!

6. Biggest Surprise?

I suppose The Red Tent. I picked it up at a Goodwill because of my aforementioned interest in female-centric retellings. It’s not amazing, but I wasn’t really expecting it to emotionally affect me like it did. You spend so much time setting up Dinah’s family and this supportive community of woman within a patriarchal society, only to have Dinah abandon it all after getting betrayed by her father and (most of) her brothers. Hearing about how her family fell apart after she left and she never got to see her mothers again really gets to me. The book has flaws for sure - neither of Dinah’s romances are developed very well, and some of its themes can come off as gender essentialist - but I think it’s a nice exploration of female labor and traditions that too often get ignored.

7. Favorite New Author?

The only relatively new author I’ve been reading is Leigh Bardugo, soooooo... honestly I don’t know what I can say that hasn’t already been said, I got into the series pretty late. Great world-building, witty dialogue, a familiar type of story with enough interesting ideas to make it feel fresh. Check out Shadow and Bone if you get the chance. Sound of the summer.

8. Newest Fictional Crush?

You would think it would be Nikolai Lantsov since I just finished reading Siege and Storm and he seems to be the fan favorite... but nah, not yet. He’s fun, but he doesn’t hit me in that way (Though very sexy of him to just casually proposition Alina and Mal for a royal polycule, a la Arthur/Guinevere/Lancelot; would love an AU where they accept his offer). However, I would let Zoya murder me. Every time Zoya is not in a scene I am asking “Where’s Zoya?” Also shout out to Alina, just because I would treat her better than all the men in her life! 

9. Newest Favorite Character?

Gonna try to do this without spoiling too much, but Laura Chase in The Blind Assassin really resonated with me. Her personality reminds me a lot of myself, especially as an an autistic person, like the way she has her own way of thinking that makes perfect sense to her, but makes other people see her as odd and naive. I love how she’s set up in-universe as this Sylvia Plath-esque tragic heroine, with Iris spending the rest of the book interrogating and deconstructing, and in a way, reconstructing this image of her. Atwood you’re insane for this. I forgive you for the Helen thing now.

10. Book That Made You Cry?

I never got as far as crying, but the part in The Goldfinch where [spoilers incoming] the art heist goes wrong and Theo is alone in the hotel room and he’s spiraling and considering suicide and finally dreams of his mom… all that was too much for me and I had to put the book down for the night. This guy just can’t catch a fucking break.

11. Book That Made You Happy?

fucidjdjdj I didn’t read any happy books this year. Shadow and Bone and Siege and Storm because I read them really fast unlike my usual months-long reading schedule.

12. Favorite Book Adaptation You Saw?

Predictably, Shadow and Bone. I basically bought and read the book less than a week before the show came out because I thought it looked interesting and wanted in on the hype (mostly because Jessie is cute 🥰). Honestly, the show improves a lot on the first book; the multiple storylines make it more dynamic and complex, the actors really help to make the characters feel more fleshed out, and Alina and Inej interacted for like three scenes, introducing an unexpected but thematically rich ship.

13. Favorite Review You’ve Written This Year?

14. Most Beautiful Book You’ve Bought So Far This Year?

I impulse-bought this book of Romantic poetry at Barnes and Noble just because it was pretty and I had a gift card

15. What Books Do You Need To Read By The End Of The Year?

Besides finishing The Grisha Trilogy/Six of Crows duology/Zoya’s duology that I forgot the name of….I don’t know. I’m not a reader that plans in advance. I acquire books, finish whatever I’m currently reading, look through my stacks deciding what to read next, spend an hour doing so because I can’t decide if I’m in the mood for any of them, and either force myself to read one or buy/borrow a new one.

I’m tagging @betweenironyandsilver, @illuminaticns, @borispavlikovskys, @chdarling, @sctine, @mightyaubs, @excuseforadrink, and @trckstergods, if you wanna! Or anyone who wants to yell about books.

[randomly-a-fan]

When MJ First Encountered IT (Finale)

Pt. 1

Pt. 2

Pt. 3

Pt. 4

Pt. 5

As morning came, Pennywise has sensed his Sr. genre Papawise, so he got up carefully as he saw MJ snoozing on the couch sitting up. So he carefully lied her down and gave her a blanket to keep her warm. He then did something that he is going to regret a little later, he actually kissed his entrée by the forehead. 

That sort of affectionate act made him feel all groggy. However, he needed to meet with his Papawise, so he left MJ alone, what could possibly happen? it’s not like she’ll runaway, after all, she owes him for saving her life.

Down into the sewers, he met with Papawise at his clown-cave. “Well bucko, how’s Junior-wise been doing huh?” Papawise greeted. “I told you not to call me THAT.” Pennywise snapped. Then the system from the kiss made him hurl. “What happen, boy? had too many German kids again? I warned you that German food doesn’t agree with you.” Papawise chuckled with a smirk. “No... I didn’t... Actually... There’s something you should know about this human girl...” So Pennywise explained to his Papawise about MJ and how it started and possibly ended.

***

Meanwhile, Aaron was at the front of the Neibolt house. “Alright sir, we’ll have a look...” The chief said before he signals the squad to check the house. In the Neibolt House, MJ was laying peacefully on the sofa, she felt safe with Pennywise... Not a good sign. That is until she heard the pitter-patter. “Penny?” MJ said in confusion. The squad saw the girl and carried her outside. “Wait, what are you doing? Let me go!” MJ begged. She was going to scream until she saw her dad with happy tears. “Dad!” MJ cried. “Makayla! Thank goodness.” Aaron said as he hugged his daughter tight. “ALRIGHT GENTALMEN LET’S MOVE,” The Chief called out.

Meanwhile in the sewer, Pennywise and Papawise were going up on the well so Papawise can get a glance at her. “So you really think she’s the one, huh?” Papawise asked, to be double sure. “Sure I’m sure, I told you before, she doesn’t want to leave me, so it makes sense that she looks into my deadlights, so she can gain some immortality and become my forever mate.” Pennywise expressed. “I don’t want to feast on her fears anymore... She’s sweet as honey... Thanks to her phobia of bees.” Pennywise added with a wink. Papawise laughed with a gurgle sound. “I’ll bet she refuses and runs off, let’s say... five months doing one’s hunt?” Papawise offered. “Deal!” Pennywise said as he shook his hand. 

Papawise’s handshake was awkward, he raised his arm high and goes Wah-Hah, Wah-Hah, Wah-Hah, “Okay okay, stop that, I get it!” Pennywise said as he pulled his arm away. 

As they both got out of the well and into the house, Pennywise made a big excited grin. “MJ, I hope you’re up, because I have a little surprise to tell--” When Pennywise looked from behind the couch, she wasn’t there. “You’ve never told me that MJ was a blanket...” Papawise snickered. Pennywise checked her bedroom, she wasn’t there either. “I don’t understand... Where could she have gone?” Pennywise asked himself while tearing up. Pennywise then decided to sniff the blanket and see if he can sense her whereabouts. 

Pennywise has sensed that MJ was getting on the train with her dad for home, where the train will pass the border. “The train station... I’ll get her back!” Pennywise said as he speeds on to get MJ back, while Papawise laughs from the background; knowing that he’s getting five months off from hunting. 

At the train station, MJ and her dad have boarded the train before Pennywise could reach her. He rushed and pasted his face on the glass window, giving MJ a startled fright. Her dad covered her eyes and pulled her closer as the train moves. Pennywise watches as the train moves. “The world isn’t big enough for you to hide, I’ll find you... And I’ll use you for satisfaction!!!” Pennywise yelled as his eyes turned red with anger with a hint of tear floating up. 

***

Even though the train passed the border, she’s still hearing his threats, so it’s going to take a long time to forget all that. Just like Kate, she too lost her voice, but not forever. MJ has to spend a whole year at the mental institute for the treatment for Stockholm Syndrome and trauma. MJ could not help but think about... Penny--something; her memory back in Derry is slowly perishing, so she’s also forgetting about the clown abductor as well. 

As the months passed, MJ slowly recuperates and is starting to talk again. Well, most of the time. Also like her niece Kate, she has the case of Selective Mutism; meaning that even though she can talk, but she doesn’t always talk to people she doesn’t know, which affected her life and her previous careers.

[Present]

Pennywise invited MJ over for a so-called visit since MJ can trust him, she’s willing to take the risk. “You know MJ, when I promised myself years ago that I’ll find you and use you for my satisfaction; I always keep my word... So let’s get down to some unfinished business.” Pennywise said in a serious tone. MJ grew nervous, as her memory from that time slowly grew. 

***

“NO, you just killed me!” MJ exclaimed with a laugh as the two were playing Mario Kart, Pennywise used a lightning bolt cheat to make her small and then ran over her to squish her. “Don’t be-little yourself,” Pennywise laughed. “Well look at that, I’ve won again!” Pennywise cheered. “Good game, Penny.” MJ congratulated as she was giving him a handshake. “Well, I had a pretty good teacher back in the day... She wasn’t a sore loser like I expected her to be.” Pennywise responded. 

They were taking a break from playing Nintendo just so they can relax and talk. “You know... Back then, I was going to make you my eternal mate, but then you’ve left with your dad... I didn’t know what else to think during that moment.” Pennywise explained. “Actually, I think what happen was that the squads found me and carried me out; I did try to get away and yell for help, but then I saw my dad with happy tears... I can’t be apart from my dad, even if it hurts me to leave you.” MJ replied with her side of the explanation. Pennywise was surprised to what he just heard. “So you didn’t run away on purpose? huh... Who ever thought I’d be so relieved?” Pennywise said to himself. “What do you mean?” MJ asked with a questionable look. 

Pennywise looked over at MJ with a chuckle. “I’m just saying that if you and I were in a committed relationship, I wouldn’t have ever met my true love of my life...” Pennywise said with a smile. “And I would never meet my true love of my life... Whoever thought that something so tragic could turn out so great for the both of us?” MJ said. “Well of course it wouldn’t turn out so great in the end, if our children hadn’t become friends; you would try to hurt my family.” MJ added. “And I would've lost my wife’s love if she sees me as a monster... which obviously I am...” Pennywise sighed in relief at the end. 

The universe truly made a strange path for the both of them, and they both hope that it would not end. “Well... I should be heading out to make supper for my family...” MJ said. “Same here, better go on my hunt for my family... You will come back next weekend and help me defeat Wiz Pig from Diddy Kong Racing, right?” Pennywise reminded. “Of course, you have my word.” MJ said as she was patting his shoulder; that’s when she remembered. “Oh Penny, I just remembered, how’s that wound on your shoulder of yours? back when you saved me from the dogs.” MJ reminded. “Oh yes, I’ve forgotten about that... You want to have a look see?” Pennywise asked before he took off his top. “Wow Penny! I can’t even see the scars, it healed good,” MJ said with amazement. “All thanks to you...” Pennywise said before he paused to think, then he made his move to hug MJ goodbye. “I’ll see you next weekend sug’.” MJ said as she blew a kiss. While MJ wasn’t looking, Pennywise gagged from the air kiss; which is not as bad as actually kissing a meal.

The End

[pluviophile-bookworm]

High School Musical: The Musical: The Series: The Rewatch pt. 4

I really need a pick-me-up after 2x11, and I feel like 1x7 might be what I'm looking for, so here I am again with another HSMTMTS rewatch. I'm genuinely so excited for both of these episodes, so without further ado, let's jump right into

1x6: She stands for... lies, pressure and very inappropriate suggestions (coming here after 2x11 might have been a mistake, actually)

I honestly don't get why Nini's reaction to seeing Ricky in full Troy costume was so big — he actually looked pretty ok to me. Sure, the wig is a bit too much, but so what, it's cute.

Ahhh my boy Reddy is so adorable in that talking head... 'click!' Gosh, I love seeing him so cheerful! Guess he's embracing his role as part of the crew. As he should.

'I'm home'. Yes, Sebby, and you look so good, too! Gosh, I love this scene so much. I can't believe I'd forgotten about it.

Gina looks beautiful, though — I mean, she looks beautiful in anything, but I really like the Taylor look on her.

Ok, I fully understand everyone's frustration about this picture — it's genuinely so hard to get a good picture of someone jumping up in the air, and I can only imagine what it would be like with six people. A bunch of my classmates tried to do something like that ages ago and, needless to say, it didn't go very well. No good pictures were taken that day.

Ah, Portwell: the early days. Ok, but wanting something and feeling like you have to get it is far from the same thing, EJ. Honestly, these two in their early days as accomplices... this is not the first time they've been like 'X is the same thing as Y' when it's obviously not. I mean, of course, that time they became accomplices because 'we want the same thing' — which, at that point, they didn't.

Ok, but they were in such unison with that 'Not now!'... couple goals! You know, even before either of them had considered the possibility of them being a couple for real.

That's a lot of pressure that Miss Jenn is putting on dear Carlito over there. I mean, he's one of the youngest at the drama club and he has to essentially do her job for her, all while she's not even sure if she'll be able to return to her job. I just... keep reminding myself that these kids are closer in age to my little brother than they are to me (except for EJ, who is precisely in the middle), and then the pressure they're under takes on completely new proportions in my mind. None of them should have to deal with all of this. And no amount of 'trust the process' is making it better.

'Should I just live vicariously through someone else?' Oh Reddy, you should just live for yourself. I mean, the truth is I don't practice what I preach most of the time, but I really do mean this. Just go out there and live your best life. You're not Ricky's therapy dog or anything (that being said, Ricky's getting a therapy dog when?).

What part of 'a forest of boys' does Nini not get? It's simple enough. Just help Carlos do his job, how about that? I mean, he shouldn't have to do everything himself anyway.

See? He cracked. That's what happens when you put all this responsibility on a teen's shoulders and be like 'deal with it'. He was just trying his best, you guys. He did not deserve all the clapback.

Ricky's forced optimism about Miss Jenn and the show is too much even for me. Sure, I know everything turns out mostly alright at the end, but this just sounds like Ricky's on the verge of a breakdown. You know, every time someone's been too unrealistically positive on this show, it has ended in a breakdown. And that's the last thing I want.

I do agree about the simple acoustic version of the song, though. Sometimes simple is the best option.

Major props to Carlos for going up to Mr. Mazzara like that. If someone had bullied me, and especially if that someone was a teacher, I'd never have dared to call them 'Benjamin Mazarra!' to their face. Even when he's on the verge of despair, this boy is still the boldest. And we love him for that.

Is this where the 'Carlos Surname' joke started, though? I had forgotten. It was funny while it lasted.

Ricky doesn't know it yet, but he's seriously playing with Gina's feelings there. And I don't blame him because, again, he doesn't know yet, but I still feel bad for her.

'Despite the 4.3 GPA, I'm actually an idiot.' — EJ is high intelligence, low wisdom, confirmed. Not that this is news, but I really don't remember much about this season, so I'm pointing this out now.

Now forgive me if I'm not feeling for Miss Jenn after 2x11... she did some really unforgivable things there. Still, as much as I want to say a real qualified teacher would not do any of that, my personal experience suggests otherwise, quite unfortunately. Miss Jenn might not be very emotionally mature, but not having legal teaching credentials is not her biggest issue, really. It is precisely her lack of emotional maturity.

OMG, Big Red accidentally invited the entire drama club over! And that, I guess, is half of how Redlyn established themselves as the hosts of every out-of-school drama club gathering. Thanksgiving is, of course, the other half. Gosh, those two were the parents of the drama club even before they were a couple. Guess they're soulmates in that way, too.

Ok, so I didn't comment on this after 2x8 when Big Red did it to Ricky, but now that I finally notice that Seb did it to Carlos, too (I took my time, thanks), I need to talk about the knee touch thing. See, this is exactly the amount of touch I used to be comfortable with (since I'm very touch-averse) — both on the giving and on the receiving end — and it can mean so much when you feel bad. It's a subtle 'hey, I'm here, it's going to be fine', a sort of hug-without-the-hugging... I feel like this is a gesture we don't see enough of in media and it can feel just as intimate as, say, holding hands or cuddling. I don't want to talk about kissing because I don't know anything about it. But I just love how we've got the knee touch depicted by both a romantic pairing and a platonic pairing in the show. Ok, rant over. But I just really wanted to talk about this because, well, I saw myself in it.

'Her past is a little bit sketchy'... I see, Ash has already started writing Truth, Justice and Songs in Our Key, even if she doesn't know it quite yet.

Miss Jenn finding out Mike is Ricky's dad is just as awkward as it should be. Whatever they had going on should have ended right then and there.

'... people in the dramatic arts are insane' — 'Thank you.' — Umm, Miss Jenn, you are not really helping your case there. Quite frankly, you're lucky you've got the allegiance of the entire drama club. I don't think they'd have your back as much after 2x11, though.

Ok, but... Big Red wearing a longcoat just to take it off for the dramatic flair of it all? An icon if I've ever seen one. Also, mad props to Larry for apparently learning this number in record time after Dara got injured.

Oh, and... mad props to all the kids in-universe for writing, rehearsing, and learning this entire number in one night.

So both Seb and Natalie have solo lines in the song... and Seb was promoted to main in s2. So does this mean Natalie will get the same treatment in s3? I mean, that will probably mean they'll try to stick her in some sort of romantic plot, and I really don't need that, but I really, really want her to be a main character.

Also, let's not forget we had our first Redlyn moment in this number... seeing them dance together makes my heart jump with joy!

I won't lie, though, the entire dance number and everything was just a little bit uncomfortable to watch after 2x11... these kids do so much for Miss Jenn, and what does she do? Put insane amounts of pressure on some of them, shuts others down at every attempt to put in a word, favours yet others despite their abysmal performance at the audition, and then has the audacity to tell that same person to jump off of something high, with all the implications attached? Not that I'm naming any names, of course. Ok, this has taken a sudden and uncalled for turn for the dark, so I guess I'll just move right along to the next episode now.

1x7: A world where 'That was terrible!' and 'I'm so happy!' can both be true at the same time

My girl Ash is doing the recap! And she's a pun queen, too. 'Miss Jenn was in hot water, Carlos was a hot mess...' — not pleasant, but so true. But wbk. Ashlyn is the best.

And... Ricky and Nini's on and off chemistry is back on. Good for them, because after season 2, I really needed to see a good rehearsal. But I'm thinking EJ's joy at the end-of-school bell had little to do with Thanksgiving...

That look Reddy gave Ashlyn as she was walking out... might be me digging for breadcrumbs, but I think I just saw the exact moment my boy fell, and he fell hard. Ok, I realise now after I've said this that 'fall' probably isn't the best choice of words, but you know what I mean. Fell for Ashlyn. Not like... oh, never mind.

'So meek, so mild, sword!' I can't really explain it, but I love this line. And I feel like it describes Ash so perfectly: like, she might be meek and mild, but if you cross her, she's armed. Gosh, I love her!

Not the Caswell parents leaving their children alone over two holiday breaks! No wonder these two are the way they are. But they're about to get a beautiful Thanksgiving celebration. [Fun personal fact: the year I was born, my birthday fell on Thanksgiving day. That doesn't mean much in Bulgaria, but my dad works with a lot of Americans so my parents knew about it and I've known this and that about this holiday I've never celebrated since I was very young. I have no idea why I'm telling you this, but Thanksgiving has always reminded me of my birthday for this reason, so... ok, moving on.]

So I know she kind of suggested it, but... why does Carlos think it's his place to invite people over to Ashlyn's? I mean, this was part 2 of Redlyn establishing themselves as the hosts for any out-of-school gathering, but... oh well, it led to a beautiful party with everyone, so... I'll allow it.

I really liked Nini's talk with her grandma. It was really nice, and a very fitting way to remind everyone what Thanksgiving is originally about. I feel like people often forget that when it comes to... literally every major commercialised holiday.

Wow, EJ really is that person where once the tap is open, it can't stop spilling. And I kind of like that look on him. It's a transitional stage between EJ 1.0 and EJ 2.0, and I appreciate it for what it is.

Ahhhh it's Redlyn's first proper 1-on-1 conversation! I mean, it got kind of really awkward really quickly because of — surprise, surprise — Nini and Ricky (and EJ), but those two are so adorable! No more breadcrumbs — we're about to get an entire five-course meal here! Which goes really well with the Thanksgiving setting, now that I think of it.

Gosh, they've never really talked and my boy whips out the 'the only thing I'd ever throw at your face is a brighter spotlight' line right off the bat? Boy is whipped! But like, he is the master of grand gestures where Ashlyn is concerned. Still, in this first moment they shared, he really was like, go big or go home, and home isn't really an option here. But I should have known, it's in his name after all. Gosh, I love both of those two so much! Especially when they're together.

Ok, so... this is a really bad way to meet your mother's new boyfriend. Poor Ricky. As if ringing his mum wasn't hard enough already.

See, when I rewatch season 1, I get where the Rina stans are coming from, but then again, remember when I used to say I wanted Gina and EJ to just be friends? Yeah, that's changed too. Not that I ever shipped Rina romantically — I rarely ever ship a pairing unless they're explicitly stated to have something going on, just because I can't see that sort of stuff very clearly — but I really, really want them (Ricky and Gina, I mean) to be really good friends. Once they get past the awkwardness of their sort of history, I mean.

I miss the good old days when Nini was a nice person... I mean, we kind of (really) had a glimpse of that in 2x11 (I'm guessing she was making up for Miss Jenn's very inappropriate slip-up), but I miss the days before she was this big internet-famous songwriter and actually had to be convinced by Ashlyn that she should write songs for herself... wait, now that I think of it... Ashlyn might have helped create a monster there. Oh well. Still love her so much!

You know, I love the Choosical, but it's all a bit sad, if you stop to think about it for a sec. Just picture little single-digit-aged Carlito making this whole thing up in an attempt to participate in his favourite thing... only to not have anyone to play with for the next ten years. Great, I just made myself cry. The thing is, I relate to that story a bit too much. I remember in preschool, when the rest of the children would play together, I'd sit in a corner by myself and read the only book that was there... over and over, day after day. I don't even remember a single thing about that little book right now, but back then I clung to it like it was everything. And I couldn't very much share the experience with any of my peers, seeing as I was the only kid there who could actually read (my grandma used to be a preschool teacher and she taught me to read when I was 4). So yeah. I went off on a rather personal tangent there. Thing is, I know how little Carlos felt and I'm so happy that he finally gets to share this thing he made with a loving and supportive group of friends. Everything has its time and place, I guess.

'Look, I'm not following Big Red just because he paid me a compliment' — of course not, dear, you know your own worth and we love that for you — but see, when he said that thing that you're referring to as a compliment, he did not lie! You really are the brightest star and deserve the brightest spotlight. See, the thing I love most about Redlyn's compliments to each other is that they're so sincere and state nothing but the absolute truth. Those two just see each other for what they are, and love each other as they are. And I think that is beautiful.

It's so funny to me every time someone gets something wrong and Carlos just walks past them out of nowhere and corrects them without missing a beat. I kind of relate to that side of him, too. Except it's usually about grammar and language in my case, not HSM trivia.

If I were Nini in this scene, and was suddenly put face to face with Emily on the spot like that, I would not have been able to handle it. So props to Nini for handling it.

Yeah, sorry to break it to you, Emily dear, but whatever you're doing is not a Cockney accent. I don't claim to be an accent expert, but I know first-hand what Cockney sounds like and... that's just not it. Even Dick Van Dyke was closer to a Cockney accent in Mary Poppins, and that's saying something. (See, I feel bad criticising any aspect of Emily because her actress is no longer with us, but... I have no idea who let them get away with passing this off as Cockney).

Is this the beginning of Jennzara there? I am loving this.

Of course Carlos was obsessed with Glee as a kid... but wasn't he a bit too young for it when it aired? I know I was, and I'm older than those kids. I mean, I waited until I was emotionally mature enough to watch Glee, and that wasn't until 3 years ago, when I was 18 going on 19. Ok, I'm thinking too much into this. Moving on.

Ahhhhh, Redlyn! Just... all of their moments. But screaming the lyrics of What I've Been Looking For on top of their lungs while looking right at each other... was so beautiful to watch. Give me more of that!

EJ: 'That was terrible.' Seb: 'I'm so happy!' — Moods, both of them. Those two are real-life emojis, aren't they? And we love them for that.

'... without laughing... or killing each other.' — I feel like that last specification was needed given that it's Ricky and EJ we're talking about, and especially what happened last time they had to do a one-on-one exercise during rehearsal. The ensuing scene, however, is the most hilarious thing!

Root beer, huh? Is that the HSMTMTS code for 'awkward' now? I mean, Nini and Gina had a nice talk there, all things considered. I really want the two of them to put the Ricky thing past them and be friends... but we'll see.

Gina is trying to make the sleepover thing look like 'it's not a big deal' despite how big of a deal it obviously is to her... to which I say, good for you, girl, but I wouldn't know. The only sleepovers I've ever had have been with my little cousin who is 9 years younger than me and also insists on sleeping with a very bright nightlight on, which means I can't sleep at all. So yeah, I wouldn't know. But I'm happy that Gina is feeling included.

So this is the exact moment when it becomes clear that Big Red is not telling us the complete truth when it comes to his HSM knowledge... '14 and 10'? Even I didn't know that. I knew 14, but... for someone who allegedly 'hates musicals', my boy has very detailed knowledge of one certain musical movie... I love how it got him a certain girl's attention, though. Not that she wasn't already paying attention to him, if you catch my drift.

Ok, but this hits even harder now than it did the first time — just when Gina has finally managed to make friends, to feel included in their group, her mum has to move her away again. This is straight-up tragic. I'll say it now, and I'll probably say it again when it comes up in the rewatch — Ashlyn is an absolute queen for taking Gina in for the next semester.

'That's sort of what you always do, huh? Take care of everyone else' — yeah, Ash, and you do the same. You two just need someone to do for you what you do for other people. See, guys, this is what I mean. This is why they're soulmates. Because in a world that has more or less forced both of them to put others first, they put each other first. They each get to be the most important person to each other after they've been stepping back for others all the time. And if that isn't beautiful, I don't know what is. I know I'm repeating myself over and over saying this, but... they own my heart and soul and I'm not for sale.

Ok, but Ashlyn's little run after Big Red left was so cute! Girl is... I don't know why I keep using that word, but... falling.

Unpopular opinion: Out of the Old is the best Nini solo to come out of this series to date. Maybe I feel that way just because I relate to it most, but hey, that is a valid reason to like something.

Oof, EJ's losing followers. Oh well, if they're unfollowing him for being too honest, they didn't like the real him to begin with. So good riddance to them.

Yikes... Jennzara fell asleep with flammable stuff left unattended... we all know how that ended, but just the fact that they felt comfortable enough to fall asleep in each other's presence... speaks volumes. So I guess... well, I don't know what exactly I'm saying regarding the fire they caused, but I loved this big little moment they had.

So this is it. That was 1x6 and 7 and, well, they were beautiful, but there are some parts I can't look at in the same way anymore after 2x11. Guess that's the risk of a rewatch. The Redlyn scenes, though — still the best part of both of these episodes. That and a couple of other things for which I don't need to pretend like I haven't seen season 2.

[tanakavox]

Look into a the multiverse chapter 2

Inspiration:Spyro's Bad day.

The screen plays and Oscar was on the screen. He has small horns on top of his head and tiny wings on his back. He is currently chasing a sheep.

"Look,it's Oscar!" Ruby gasped.

"Aw, he looks cute with his little wings and horns" Nora cooed.

"Yeah he's really cute,just like our Oscar!" Yang said as she ruffled the Oscar in the theater hair. Oscar blushed at the treatment and slapped Yang's hand away, Yang grinning as he does.

Oscar kept chasing the sheep until he ran into a stone statue. The statue shook and broke revealing Salem looking human but she had also had horns and wings like Oscar, but bigger.

Ozpin looked at Salem with a bit of sadness. It hurt seeing his former lover like that compared to the more human looking version on the screen.

"Mistress is that you?" Cinder asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes, a form I had long ago." Salem replied looking back at Ozpin. "But this version of me, like the boy, is not human."

"If they aren't human then what are they?" Mercury asked the group.

"Maybe their demons like Cinder and I were in the last one?" Jaune suggested.

"Thank you for releasing me Oscar." She said with a smile.

"Uh, I did what now?" Oscar replied, confused.

"Gnasty Gnorc has imprisoned the dragons across the many worlds, you're our only hope of saving us!" Salem continued like the smaller dragon didn't say anything.

"Dragons? Oh my god that is so cool!" Nora said with a grin.

"If they are dragons, why would Salem give Oscar, a seemly undeveloped dragon child, the task of saving all the dragons?" Ren questioned.

"I'm sure this Oscar is capable of handing this!" Ruby said

"Those are all well and good." Yang began, "But are we gonna ignore Gnasty Gnorc? What kinda name is that?"

"Are we gonna ignore the fact that this Gnasty Gnorc managed to turn EVERY dragon into stone? Blake stated

"Then why didn't little dragon Oscar also turn into stone like the other dragons." Emerald asked

"Perhaps he was considered too weak to be threat?" Cinder said with a smirk. Like the Oscar here."

"Hey!" Oscar shouted offended.

"Huh? You're kidding right?" Oscar exclaimed. "Dude I'm tiny!" He spreads his small wing to prove his his point.

"There's no time to explain!" Salem said waving off Oscar. "You need to take these!" She shoved the boy a dragonfly, a jar, and a bunch of gems into his arms.

"Just wait a second!" Oscar cried as the items where shoved onto him. Salem wasn't having it and picked up Oscar by the scruff of his neck and walked him over to a portal that said 'Gnasty Gnorc'.

"Come on, do I get a say in this?!"

"No." Salem replied with a smirk."

"Wow, Little dragon Oscar is just really thrown into this."Ruby said with a shake of her head.

"Yes,it's just like Salem to throw a child in the fray without warning and a laugh." Ozpin said bitterly. Salem fired a glare at the wizard.

"As if you're one to talk Ozma." She growled. "Or do I have to remind you of your little school?" The air seem to become more tense as the two glare at each other.

"Off you go!" And the older dragoness threw Oscar into the portal. He fell planted into the ground and drop the gems and jar he was holding.

"What's happening?" He asked to no one in particular.

"I'm with you, what is happening?" Oscar asked, feeling bad for his counterpart

"Who dares enter the domain of Gnasty Gnorc?!" A green giant wielding a big hammer that was apparently Gnasty Gnorc bellowed out.

"Huh?" Oscar asked lamely.

"That's Nasty Gnasty Gnorc?" Weiss ask her nose wrinkling in disgust.

"What a hideous creature." Cinder said her face filled with disgust as well.

"You! Punny little dragon child!" Gnasty Gnorc bellowed out before jumping down to Oscar.

"Yeah, ok apparently you did something and everyone's really mad." The dragon said with a nervous smile as the green giant stomp toward him. "So listen I'm sure you're a perfectly reasonable guy so I don't see why we could, put down the ham-" The dragon was cut off by Gnasty Gnorc swinging his hammer at him and sending him flying toward a table with a vase on it breaking it in half. "Yeah, ok cool." Oscar deadpanned from under the rubble.

The group had a little laugh at that. Oscar blushed and sinked into his seat a bit.

"You know I think I'm getting why no one likes you." He snarked as he get up and dodges the giant swinging his hammer down at him. He runs off with Gnasty Gnorc giving chase.

"I'M GONNA HANG YOUR HEAD ON MY WALL!" The giant screams.

"Oh yeah? Lets see you get a hang of THIS!" Oscar said with a smirk as he let a small breath of fire at Gnasty Gnorc knees.

"Such weak flames will do nothing."Cinder scoffed

Gnasty Gnorc falls over and then turn into ashes.

"Well look at that" Jaune said with a grin as he watch Cinder scowl at him. Oscar sat up a bit as his dragon counterpart beat Gnasty Gronc so easily.

"Huh, ok." Oscar looked surprised at how easy it was to beat the Green giant. "So, how do I get out of here?" The dragonfly that Salem gave him poked his head and turns his attention to a portal nearby. The dragon and dragonfly walked through the portal to see they were not in the realms of dragons. He looks around to see Sun, Velvet, and Professor Oobleck.

"Hey It's Professor Oobleck, Sun and the Velvet girl! Ruby exclaim.

"Judging from the fact that Oscar didn't go home they must have brought him here for a reason." Ren pointed out.

"Woah professor! Your portal worked!" Sun exclaimed in stilled lines.

"It's a real dragon!" Velvet said excitedly.

"What's your name young man?" Oobleck ask with a smile.

"I'm going home" Oscar stated, about to walk where he came from but a energy blast blew in up in his face covering it in soot. "Ok." The dragon mutter after sucking air from his teeth.

"Oscar sounds really mad now." Blake observed

"Well he didn't want to go on this trip to begin with and now his only way home got blown up. Yang repiled. "Who blew it up anyways?"

Adam is onscreen now holding a scepter that blew up the portal gate. He was on top of some kind of creature.

"Adam."Yang and Blake growled at seeing the red hair bull faunus.

"Who brought a dragon into Avalar?!" He demand an answer.

"HE DID IT!" Oscar shouted holding up Oobleck.

"I'm the professor" Oobleck said with a dopey smile.

The group had a another laugh at Oobleck dopeyness.

"Dragon Oscar was sure quick to throw this Oobleck under the bus." Emerald said.

" .DRAGONS!" Adam growled.

"I hate you more, what's your point?" Oscar snarked back with a scowl."

"Well, Oscar got really sassy." Yang said.

"Well his only chance to get home just got destroyed so i imagined he doesn't want to be nice to Adam." Mercury said "I'd be snarky as well."

"You better listen well boy." Adam began. "These lands belong to me. So as long as I'm around everyone will bow down to-" Adam was cut off by Oscar throwing Oobleck in his face. The red head grabbed his nose in pain as a little blood seep out, his face clearly had shock on it. "Did you just? He ask stunned.

"Whoa Oscar you didn't need to do that!" Jaune exclaimed looking at the Oscar in the theater.

"It's not me! I wouldn't do that" Oscar shout back. Everyone mirror Adam's shock at Oscar throwing Oobleck.

"I don't care, leave me alone." Oscar said.

"You're so mean!" Adam stated before smacking the creature he was on top of head. "Gulp take me home. I need a band aid. As Adam left he shouted to Oscar: I'll deal with you later dragon!

"I still don't care!" Oscar shouted back.

"Adam's right. This Oscar is mean!" Nora exclaimed

"I can respect his thought process. Just doesn't care about anything" Mercury grinned.

"Woah, that's Adam. He's the bad guy" Sun said in a stilled tone of voice.

"Who's he and what's wrong with his mouth?" Oscar asked a bit freaked out by the guy.

"This is Sun and we don't know." Velvet responded, her face grimacing.

"I have a disorder!" Sun said cheerful, his eyes not looking straight.

"What's wrong with your boyfriend Blake?" Yang ask cleary teasing her

"One, he's not my boyfriend. Two, if the Velvet in that universe doesn't know why would I?" Blake said with a frown.

"Oh dear, it appeared the portal has been completely destroyed." Oobleck said with a sad look. He sided up to Oscar and wrapped his arm around the dragon child's shoulder. "Well, look like you're stuck here. You're going to collected all the things and defeat Adam!"

"No this is extortion! This is bullcrap!"

"Please Oscar? We don't want to try anything else." Velvet pleaded.

"Oscar doesn't want to help save the world? Why?" Ruby asked.

"They did bring him here against his will and are basically holding him hostage until he's done doing their bidding. I wouldn't want to help either." Jaune repiled.

Oscar plants his face into his hand and groans. A scene cut showing the little dragon collecting a bunch of gems and getting hurt over .

"Oh, boy. This seem like it's gonna hurt for dragon Oscar. Nora said bracing herself.

Getting eaten by a metal shark,

"Why is there a metal shark under the ocean?" Emerald cried out in horror.

"And what luck that it happened to be in the same spot Oscar was. Blake pointed out.

hit by a car,

"That guy didn't even slowed down for him, that was so on purosed! Ruby shouted in anger.

being frozen after trying to catch fish,

"Jeez, Did Oscar piss in someone cereal or something? Because this kid's luck sucks! Yang exclaimed. Who gets frozen while fishing?!"

blown up, electrocuted, the works.

Oscar swears he can feel everything that happened to the dragon Oscar on screen. All this to go home.

It wasn't long until Oscar collected all the gems.

"That's one tough kid. All that and he's going." Mercury mused.

"And it seem that aura doesn't exist in this universe." Salem said. "This dragon must be extremely during if could survive that and his only child by dragon standard.

The screen then cut back to Oobleck, Velvet and Sun near a fixed portal gate. Sun was babbling on with some story about helmets, with Oobleck not paying him any mind and Velvet looking annoyed. Oscar pushes up a bag of gems toward them, panting in exhaustion with cuts and bruises over his body.

"Alright, it's done. I got all the things. Can I go now?" Oscar asked tiredly.

"Oh no of course not. That would be too easy." Oobleck replied.

"What?! Oscar had got all the gems! What else is there for him to do!" Nora shouted.

"Great job Oscar! Adam's is at the top of this RIDICULOUS STAIRCASE!" Velvet said pointing at the aforementioned huge ass stairs."But that's no sweat considering you can just fly up there!"

"Yeah totally." Oscar lied. He couldn't use his wings to fly, he wasn't old enough for them to work like that. He could only glide, but he wasn't about to tell her that.

"That is basically Child labor you know?" Mercury realized. "Oscar is still a kid by Dragon standards."

"Yeah, You're right."Yang agrees. They basically made a kid go through all these jobs.

"What assholes," Nora said with a grimace.

"I've been flying all day so I'm just gonna climb the stairs and rest them.." The dragon then began his long tread up the stairs.

"Are you sure? Velvet asked, her tone full of worry. "Because there's a lot of-."

"YEP, I'M GOOD THANKS!"

"There isn't like an elevator or anything? Give the kid a break!"Emerald cried out.

The scene cuts to Adam sitting on the throne with a cellphone on his ear.

"Yeah, mom. I actually took over the place! All by myself it's great!" Adam's mother said that something that made his face go to shock. "No I'm not gonna kill all of them! That's not how you-" Adam's face was annoyed now. "You see, this is why I didn't want to call you."

"Adam's mom alive?" Blake asked confused.

"He's not gonna kill all of them? I'm surprised that he can hold himself back." Yang grumbled.

"OKAY!"Oscar screamed burning down the door.

"JESUS CHRIST!" Adam jump up in terror.

"Jeez!" Ruby jumped as well.

"It's seems Oscar is done with games now." Weiss said a scared by dragon Oscar bit as well.

A puff of smoke came out of Oscar's nose, his face full of rage as he stomps toward Adam.

"Now you listen to me!" The dragon began.

"Um…."

"I have been through ICE."

"Okay."

"I have been through the OCEAN."

"Right"

"I've spent two hours in a maze with snail elephants looking for a PENCIL!"

"What?" Adam asked confused

"Snail elephants?That sound cool?" Nora said imagining riding one into the sunset.

"Two hours in a maze looking for a pencil? Wow…." Jaune said in wonder

"The fact Oscar still has his sanity is something to behold," Weiss said equally impressed.

"I did this because I want to go home. And if I wanna go home, YOU have to go AWAY."

"And why would I do that" Adam smirk grabbing the specter. Oscar glared and shoved a gem into his mouth and spit a fireball toward Adam. He swung the scepter and smacked the fireball, but it splits in two and hits his minions behind him. Adam looked to the burning ashes of his minions and back to the growling dragon in front of him.

"Because now? I'm not asking anymore." Oscar simply states before torching Adam.

"Did he just kill Adam?" Blake asked bewildered.

"That last line was pretty badass though," Mercury said.

Oscar sighs and jumps down the staircase and ran into the portal without a word to the others back into the realms of the dragons. Salem was standing outside the portal and smiles when she sees the little dragon come out of the portal

"Oscar! How did your mission g- " She was cut off with Oscar spitting a fireball at the portal gate blowing it up, covering her face in soot.

"I'm going to the beach." The dragon child simply said and he walks off.

"Okay.." Salem said after sucking air through her teeth. And then the screen went dark after a scene where Oscar was on the beach wearing sunglass and sipping on lemonade.

"She had it coming," Ozpin said with a grin and Salem glared at him again.

"I'm just glad that Oscar got home. He deserves a break after all that." Ruby said.

"I just wanna see what's next," Yang said.

Everything in this part was done by me.

[manicdragondreamgirl]

I haven’t had chemistry since like 2008, and I’m also an idiot who likes to make my friends upset, so I rated the periodic table in order to tilt my friends:

Hydrogen - this is like your childhood friend who has always been with you more or less and always will be down to get a drink and chill even tho you haven’t spoken in years. Solid bro imo 7.5/10

Helium - always down for a good time, even if probably created Alvin and the Chipmunks which in some places is considered a war crime. 4/10

Lithium - Gives me bitchy vibes and is flammable as fuck if I remember. Skinny bitch with an attitude 3/10

Beryllium - idk this sounds like a sailor moon villain lol for that it can have a 6/10

Boron - more like BORONG amirite ha ha wait no seriously I have no idea lol 5/10 clean neutral rating

Carbon - *screaming* 2/10 I will not be taking questions

Nitrogen - cool cool cool tight tight tight 9/10 Nitrogen just is the cool hot chick you wish you were

Oxygen - kid who takes up all the glory for the group project even tho you did all the work, 4/10 for natural charisma

Fluorine - lol what are you knockoff chlorine lmfao bitch 3/10 reminds me of the dentist

Neon - I can vibe with this boy for his contributions to signs which cause my eyes to scream 8/10 modernized Art Deco thanks you

Sodium - 10/10 this is me and I won’t be taking questions next element

Magnesium - magnesium is a close relative of magnificent and therefore I think the case is closed folks 9/10

Aluminum - 10/10 for providing a home to my Diet Coke addiction I’d be dead without you

Silicon - 6.9/10 :smirk:

Phosphorous - This has a very soundly name and it’s welcome to do that but idk, not a fan, seems like he’d be smelly, 2/10

Sulfur - 1/10 pretty sure that dog farts are purely comprised of this and as such if I was leaving negative ratings I would

Chlorine - 7.8/10 for being in pools so we could swim without brain eating amoeba in the south you a champ

Argon - he seems like a nerd jk this guy has a good color 9/10 for just being himself

Potassium - I hate bananas and this word gives me the physical sensation of biting into one but only by thinking of abstract letters and making them into something which we can nutrientise from bananas and to me that shit is bananas, b a n a n a s — 3/10 for making me sing hollaback girl thru adhd word association

Calcium - hm my brain went to mega milk so you get a 2/10 today bud I don’t make the rules

Scandium - pretty sure this is fake lol what’s next faxdium, e-Mailite and copinium? 5/10

Titanium - this song’s a banger and also is the only thing that lets me wear earrings 10/10

Vanadium - if your erection lasts for longer than like idk it’s supposed to then don’t take vanadium wait what do you mean it’s not an ED treatment 4/10

Chromium - decent bloke shame the browser eats all your memory 5/10

Manganese - if a weeb tries to tell me how to pronounce mayonnaise one more time... 1/10

Iron - excellent tool against the fey, in your blood, what a bro, 10/10 this bitch slaps

Cobalt - has a powerful energy; I respect him. 8/10

Nickel - if I had a nickel for every time someone made this joke lol 5/10 he’s doing his best

Copper - taste bad 3/10

Zinc - isn’t that the dude in the green tunic and white tights who saves premcess Lelda or something lol 7/10 those games are good

Gallium - seems like a prick 4/10

Germanium - sounds like a child pronouncing geraniums which are superior 3/10

Arsenic - bad vibes coach 1/10

Selenium - isn’t this just sailor moon lol 10/10 love this bitch

Bromine - farmine wherever you aremine - 9/10 I love a good bro

Krypton - he’s okay I guess 5/10

Rubidium - yet another Steven universe villain who will be redeemed I imagine 4/10 seems a bit dull

Strontium - I feel nothing when I see this lad’s name and that seems like a shame 1/10 I don’t like it

Yttrium - this is an atrium in Yharnam, or something 8/10 would love to sit in one and make contact with higher beings

Zirconium - oh wait THIS is the sailor moon villain from the dead moon circus! 9/10 I enjoyed that arc

Niobium - seems sassy, I like that in an element 7/10

Molybdenum - I hate this one, rancid. 1/10 for making me have flashbacks to difficult Ancient Greek vocabulary there is no fucking way that sound combination is anything but Beta and Delta borking and then Latin being like oh imma steal that

Technetium - 6/10 decent name but seems a bit forced

Ruthenium - 5/10 kindly old lady element I guess lol

Rhodium - 10/10 this ain’t my first rhodium babee this lad has good vibes what a name what a king

Palladium - 10/10 for making me think of paladins

Silver - 12/10 I’m breaking the rules for this silver is the best it is so cool and also it is the other best tool for dealing with supernatural creatures when iron has failed you highly suggest Even if I am extremely allergic to it going into my ears...wait hold on

Cadmium - 2/10 sounds like a total douche

Indium - 8/10, i just think it’s independent and neat

Tin - 10/10 good ear sounds when involving rain and roof shapes and automatically reminds me of Nora Jones’s come away with me album which is also 10/10

Antimony - 7/10 decent protagonist good name all around seems rad

Tellurium - tell ur mom what? That’s so early 2010s league of legends humor bro 2.5/10

Iodine - strikes fear in my soul from having it poured on my wounds but this is why I have more pain tolerance than god 5.3/10

Xenon - I think this is a declension of Xena warrior princess which is a win in my eyes, 8/10

Caesium - kind of has a cunty Latin name, 4.5/10

Barium - yeah boss, bury’im! 7.5/10 I love a good mobster gag

Lanthanum - A bit pretentious on the Tolkien spectrum sorry bud 3/10 sounds like you’d be the dickwad elf everyone hates

Cerium - 6.5/10 I like this one, gives me a clean vibe

Praseodymium - the fuck who sneezed all their alphabet soup onto the paperwork and called it an element Christ we can’t keep doing this 1.5/10

Neodymium - oh my god what did I just say 1/10

Promethium - thank Christ we’re back to greek 9/10 Prometheus was a Chad I could get behind

Samarium - 5/10 gives me boring wizard vibes

Europium - 4.5/10 don’t rename opium chrissake can’t take these nerds anywhere

Gadolinium - 5/10 it’s a starship knockoff but it’s trying to be bold with the G sound

Terbium - 2/10 I don’t vibe with this one

Dysprosium - sounds like an antidepressant that has a lot of shitty side effects 3/10

Holmium - sounds like someone anxious asking their beloved to hold them 8/10 I like hurt/comfort fics

Erbium - you can’t just describe something as herby you daft bastard 2/10

Thulium - sounds like a spell I like it 8.5/10

Ytterbium - macguffin in a shite sci-fi show that gets highly overrated because BBC produced it and superwholock stans emerge and go utterly feral 1/10

Lutetium - bards are an element I agree 10/10

Hafnium - sounds like a river (my dog) sound and has a cute vibe, I’d offer it head pats 7/10

Tantalum - noooo you can’t be sad yuor so sexe haha 6.9/10 tantalizing

Tungsten - 10/10 this is a lad with history

Rhenium - 5.5/10 it’s ok

Osmium - 4/10 I wasn’t a big wizard of oz fan

Iridium - 9/10 sounds like iridescent and that’s in my top 10 favorite words and concepts

Platinum - 10/10 best Pokémon game

Gold - 7.9/10 all that glitters and all but it’s still pretty on some people, silver is better tho

Mercury - yikes 8/10 so it doesn’t kill me

Thallium - sounds like the brother character in a ps4 exclusive western rpg that oddly falls under the radar in terms of reviews and gets shafted at awards for no reason 7/10 I’ll support you tho

Lead - 2/10 that’s gonna be a no from me dawg pretty sure I still have lead in my hands from stabbing myself with my mechanical pencils

Bismuth - 6/10 sounds good in mouth and reminds me of biscuits for some reason, I’ll take it

Polonium - to thine own self be true so stop trying to act like the arts don’t influence science jk pretty sure this is named for Poland but hey that’s where we get the Witcher so you get a pass 6/10

Astatine - 1/10 I don’t even know what you are

Radon - 7/10 this motherfucker knows his shit and how to party, rad is right

Francium - I bring you francium...and I bring you myrdurdium... 7/10 for a good vine

Radium - killed the video star probably 9/10 I can get behind her

Actinium - as opposed to passtinium I prefer actinium in the voice of writing 8/10

Thorium - overrated Norse god 5/10 because lightning is still cool

Protactinum - sounds like some pretentious condom brand 4/10 wouldn’t do it with a dude who bought these

Uranium - I always thought she was a hot sailor scout 10/10

Neptunium - same for her I knew they weren’t cousins you couldn’t lie to me 4kids 10/10

Plutonium - sounds like a macguffin unfortunately 5/10

Americium - I read this with a pivotal letter missing and nearly died, 7/10 for the laugh

Curium - 10/10 gives me Curie vibes and also reminds me of curiosity which reminds me of—[old yellered before the association could set in]

Berkelium - what I shout when I want Burke (fam dog) to slaughter innocents and raze territories 2/10 world was not meant to know his commands

Californium - 1/10 California is cool with geography but probs could stand to chill with the ego sorry to my friends in Cali

Einsteinium - 6/10 it’s alright but we’re really running out of ideas huh

Fermium - 3/10 this one is porny

Mendelevium - 1/10 my brain didn’t like parsing this and I stand by my earlier statement of running out of good names

Nobelium - 0/10 you didn’t name any noble gases this cowards this gas can’t be a noble oh wait it’s NOBEL I take it back 5/10 seems an alright chap

Lawrencium - fear the old blood my sorry dead hunter’s ass I’ll never get back my life from the hours I spent trying to beat this lava shitting bastard 2/10 for being a boss who eats Taco Bell specifically before being challenged to have fresh lava shit with which to punish you for having the audacity to exist in his space

Rutherfordium - my god what a snob 4.2/10 I respect him a little but only because he sounds like a right lad

Dubnium - DROP THE BASS 10/10

Seoborgium - not sure about this one but it can have a 7/10

Bohrium - as an American English speaker this sound combination makes my pathetic throat become a black hole as I try to properly create the sound of it 10/10 I love when my body becomes a massive void in the universe

Hassium - lazy 2/10

Elements 109-118 can go fuck themselves I hate them all, collective 6.66/10 for their general demonic vibe

[albapuella]

believe in me who believes in you

AO3 Link! Fandom: Homestuck Pairing: Davekat Summary: Meat!Karkat meets Candy!Dave... he is not impressed. Tags: The Homestuck Epilogues, Homestuck 2: Beyond Canon, Earth C (Homestuck), Canonical Character Death, Dialogue Heavy, this is not a bashing fic, Character Study, Ableist Language, one instance of the r slur Author’s Note:  More Davekat Thirst Federation indulgence. I'm pretty happy, over all, with how this one came out (and the fine folks at DTF really enjoyed it!), so I've decided to share it with the rest of you. Enjoy! 

The figure on the floor is familiar. Too familiar. "Dave?"

No answer.

He creeps closer, as though making any noise at all will cause something terrible to happen. As though anything more terrible could happen. Karkat has seen enough death in his life to recognize it. Dave is too still. Much too still.

It's not until he's close enough to reach out an touch him that Karkat realizes how old Dave looks. Karkat has seen older humans, but it's different when it's Dave. Deep, unhappy lines are deeply etched into his face. Lines he'd never thought he'd ever see there. It looks... it looks wrong.

"What the fuck happened to you?"

No answer. But of course there wouldn't be.

Except there is.

"I got an upgrade."

Karkat's eyes jerk upwards, and he's looking into a metallic face. A horrible, silvery mimicry of Dave's face. He supposes, with an edge of giddy hysteria, that it only makes sense that a robot would have such a blank look, but it makes his insides twist painfully. It's been a long time since he's seen Dave make this particular non-expression. "What?"

"I got an upgrade," Dave? repeats blandly as though he were talking about nothing more interesting than the fact it would rain tomorrow. "Looks like you got an upgrade, too, Karkat. Nice work with the eye. I'd never know you'd lost it."

Karkat has no idea what Dave's talking about, but he sure feels like he's lost it. It being his sanity. "What the fuck?"

Dave only regards him coolly. "Look, I only came back because Aradia wanted to pick up Sollux, and I figured I'd see how corpse me was doing." He makes a bare movement of his fingers in the direction of said corpse. "Ugh. I forgot how uggo I was."

There is so much wrong with these statements, Karkat can't decide which thing to focus on. "Why... I don't understand. Sollux?" He shakes his head. Of course, his pan would latch onto the least important thing. "Why are you so fucking nonchalant about being a god damn corpse, Dave?"

"Because corpse me was a fucking sad sack?" For the first time in this exchange of words which could only laughably be called a conversation, Dave's tone changes to contain an ever so faint hint of disgust. "Obama came through for me one more time and showed me the light. The light being accepting the destiny of being the most me me to ever exist."

Karkat wonders if this Dave is physically capable of smiling. The part about Obama is bizarre considering that Obama died long before Earth C was created, but that isn't the most confusing thing Dave's said. "The most you you? What the fuck does that even mean, Dave?"

Somehow, the expressionless face appears smug. "Going Ultimate, my dude. Being all the me I can be. I am fucking Legion, Karkat. We're all in here. All the dead ones. All the ones who never existed. If you ever wondered to yourself, what makes Dave so Davey, I am it."

Going Ultimate? It sounds important, as though it'd be capitalized and everything; it also sounds like the biggest pile of hoof-beast shit that Karkat's ever heard. "Bullshit."

Robot Dave tilts his head. "That's all you've got to say? Man, Karkat, I've got to say, I'm disappointed. Here I am, anointed by fate, spitting truth, and you come across all uncouth in the face of the facts. There are no take backs. So what if I break hearts? You got the head start there. I've got the universe on a silver platter, so what does it matter what you think? I wasted so much time pinning and whining about what I couldn't have, and now I've got it all. So get on the fucking ball and roll, my troll, 'cause it's me for whom the bell fucking tolls." He makes a sweeping bow.

Karkat sifts through the prettied up bullshit to find the fart nugget of truth. "I broke your heart?"

"Fuck no," Robot Dave denies in the way Dave does when he doesn't want to admit that something hurts. "I was just being retarded." He steps closer to Karkat. "You're not that important."

It's been a long time since Karkat's heard that word from Dave—especially since Dave was the one who finally got Karkat to break that particular habit. The combination of reminding Karkat that he should be pretty sympathetic to people being looked down on just because of how they were born as well as reminding Karkat that, as much as he liked to hide it, he had a soft center that didn't actually like hurting people who didn't deserve it had been enough to get him to stop saying it.

The shock is enough to protect Karkat from the full effects of hearing he's ‘not that important’ coming from his boyfriend's mouth. "You sound like an asshole, and not the fun kind."

"Oh, that's rich coming from you," Robot Dave shoots back, scathing. He uncrosses his arms so he can gesture at Karkat. "You're the loudest fucking asshole there ever was. At least I can chill—you couldn't know chill if it locked you in a refrigerator."

Although Karkat is glad to hear more signs that Robot Dave is not a completely emotionless shell like Robot Aradia had been, it's hard to hear this anger and frustration directed at him. Also, the thing about the refrigerator is a low fucking blow. "Pretending you don't have feelings isn't the same as being chill, Dave," he grits out, trying extremely hard not to prove the robot right and completely lose his fucking shit. "You're not half as good an actor as you think you are. I don't know what the fuck happened here or why you're acting like this, but—"

Robot Dave's hands clench into fists at his sides. "You don't know why?"

Karkat doesn't back up even as his instincts scream at him to. Whatever has happened to make Dave like this, he knows that Dave would never physically hurt him. Honestly, he kind of wishes he would: it might be less painful than this. "How am I supposed to know? Last I knew, you were still human and safely on the—"

"You want to know what you did?" Before he can react, Robot Dave has grabbed his upper arms in a crushing grip, dragging him closer to Robot Dave's face. "YOU LEFT ME! YOU LEFT ME BEHIND! DID YOU EVER FUCKING CARE ABOUT ME?" By this point, Robot Dave is shaking Karkat with a surprising amount of violence. "OR DID YOU HONESTLY THINK I'D BE HAPPIER WITH JADE? BECAUSE I WASN'T! AT ALL! I FUCKING LOVED YOU AND YOU LEFT ME ALONE!"

"Wh-what are-are you talk-ing about?" Karkat knows his eyes are wide and frightened, but he doesn't care about facades right now. This is... This doesn't make any sense at all. And it'd probably be easier to think if his pan wasn't getting banged around the inside of his nugbone. "STOP SHAKING ME, DAMN IT!"

Robot Dave obliges so quickly Karkat almost stumbles as he's released. He steps back, narrowly avoiding Dave's corpse, dizzy. "Fuck me, Dave! What the fuck!" He rubs his arms, surprised they don’t hurt after the rough treatment he’s just received.

"I didn't mean any of that for serious," Robot Dave claims, his voice soft and even again. The tenseness of his shoulders as he recrosses his arms gives him away. "That was ironic anger. I'm not mad about any of that. Jade and me were perfectly happy. You'd know that if you'd come to the wedding."

"Wedding?" Karkat is completely lost now. He's been lost this whole time, but at least then he had some idea of what the major landmarks were. Now, he has no idea at all. His eyes are drawn down to the corpse, down to something shiny on his finger. He's seen enough human movies and attended enough weddings to understand what he's seeing. At least, he understands it's a wedding ring—he doesn't understand anything else.

Until he does. "You're not my Dave." He feels pretty stupid for not realizing this sooner. "This is an alternate timeline, isn't it?"

Robot Dave is silent for several long seconds. "Fuck yeah. Your timeline's all kinds of messed up. Don't know why I didn't notice before. Guess I was kind of distracted." This last is said with a sadness so subtle Karkat wouldn't have heard it if he hadn't been listening for it.

"I noticed," Karkat returns, his temper mollified by the knowledge that this asshole who's been lashing out at him for shit that isn't his fault isn't the same asshole he loves. Except, that isn't quite true, is it? According to Dave, all Daves are Daves. So, Karkat can't help but love this one a little, too.

And, he supposes, if all Daves are Daves, all Karkats are Karkats. Which means he has some responsibility for whatever happened to this robotic mess of a man as well. He walks past Robot Dave, away from the corpse, and sits. He pats the floor beside him. "Sit down. Please."

For a moment, it looks like Robot Dave is going to ignore him. Then a soft sigh as he plunks himself down. "I don't have time for this," he says.

"That's a fucking lie, and we both know it." Karkat does his best to prepare himself—he knows better than anyone just how stupid his other selves can be. "Tell me what happened with your Karkat."

"Nothing."

Karkat waits for more. "Nothing?"

Robot Dave—Dave crosses his arms and turns his head away. "Exactly. Nothing happened. He fucked off when the fucking was good, and I get it: Jane was getting real fucking fascist all of a sudden, and the kismesissitude with Jade wasn't on at all, but he didn't..." he trails off.

Some of this sounds familiar. Things had been... uncomfortable with Jade before she got possessed (uncomfortable in a similar, yet different, way afterwards), and he'd run against Jane for a reason. As much as all that ended up mattering in the end. Still, there had to be more to it than that, right? "He didn't what?"

"He didn't let me come with," Dave says quickly, nearly interrupting Karkat a third time. "We were supposed to be in this shit together, and he fucking bailed on me." He takes a deep breath he definitely doesn't need. "Then it was just me and Jade, and I... I owed it to her, Karkat." A tiny sound that could be a laugh. "At least someone needed me."

Karkat wants to tell Dave he's being ridiculous, that of course he hadn't owed Jade anything except his friendship—never mind a fucking wedding—but he knows better. He honestly does. Jade is his friend, too, and there was a reason he never gave her a solid, unambiguous no to her advances... it's always been easier for Karkat to stand up for others than it ever has for him to stand up for himself. He'd never wanted to get physical with Jade (minus a brief infatuation when she'd let him have it over Trollian during the game), but he'd liked her enough to hate the idea of just turning her away cold.

And he knows that Dave is very much the same. Except he's got baggage, baggage Karkat has tried very hard to understand but still doesn't quite grasp, that would make the prospect even harder. Especially if... especially if Karkat left him to his own stupidly self-destructive devices.

As evidenced by the fact that this version of his best fucking friend in the universe is currently a god damn robot.

"Your me is a moron," he declares.

Dave is already shaking his head, the light catching on his burnished metal skin. "No way, man. Karkat's a fucking mastermind—the whole rebellion would have been totally quashed ages ago if not for him. Fuck, he started it!" As he speaks about his own Karkat, a literal light glows in his eyes, shining through the lenses of his glasses.

"He's practically a legend now," he continues, apparently heedless of the fondness in his voice. "He always talked a big game about how good a leader he'd be if he'd been given half a chance, and now he's out living the dream." When he speaks again, his tone is softer, bitter, and the light dims. "It's one of the things I low key, high key hate him for, you know? Somehow, he has it all together without me, but I'm a sad sack without him. A sad sack tying his star to the yifftrain because I don't know how to say 'on second thought no thank you' to one of my oldest friends." He straightens up slightly. "I mean, that's how it used to be. I could give less than a shit now that I've gone Ultimate."

The back tracking is so awkward and forced, Karkat wonders if Dave actually expects him to believe it. "Right." While Karkat's curious about this rebellion Dave's talking about, he finds it difficult to believe that this Dave's version of him is doing as well as Dave says. Of course, as much as Karkat loves Dave, one thing which cannot be said for him is that he's terribly observant when it comes to the feelings of the people around him.

Also, nothing Dave's said so far has convinced him that he was wrong about his original assessment of this version of himself. Any version of himself idiotic enough to still believe in his leadership prowess after the absolute clusterfuck that was the Game is a complete moron regardless of other factors. "And you never talked to him about this?"

"What was there to talk about?" Dave says stiffly. "He had his life, and I had mine. I mean, I didn't see him much after he left. Even after Jade and I joined the rebellion, we didn't see each other much. Certainly no one on one time in a room together." There's no mistaking the faint echo of regret in the words. "No point in even thinking about it. Which I was doing a great job of doing before I saw you here, making cry baby eyes at my corpse. Just so you know."

"And yet you're still here," Karkat presses.

"I guess I am," Dave agrees. "Fuck, I missed just getting to chill with you. I feel like, maybe, everything wouldn't have gone to absolute dog shit if you'd been around. I mean, you're not m—the Karkat from around here, but all Karkats are basically Karkat, so..." his words grind to a halt, leaving an embarrassed pause.

Despite himself, despite knowing this Dave is talking about a different Karkat, Karkat feels his face heat up. His own Dave has a tendency to put him up on an elevated statue support base; it shouldn't be surprising this Dave does, too. "I think you are wildly over-estimating both of our abilities."

"You think so?" Dave sounds unconvinced. It's amazing how much more, for lack of a better word, lively he's gotten just during the span of this conversation. A far cry from the douche bag Karkat started out talking to.

"I know so," Karkat returns more sharply than he means. "If your Karkat were here, he'd agree with me. We're nobody special without someone who believes in us, Dave." He crosses his arms, suddenly uncomfortable with the expressionless scrutiny. "Fuck, maybe he is a great leader now, I don't fucking know. But if he is, it's only because he has people who believe in him." He looks away. "Dave is the person who believes in me."

"Is that what I did wrong?" Dave asks after a moment. "I didn't believe in him enough?" He sounds incredulous. "I didn't realize this was Peter Fucking Pan, troll edition."

"Pupa Pan."

"What?"

"Peter Pan, troll edition," Karkat explains as he tries to organize his thoughts, "is called Pupa Pan."

"Of course it is." When Karkat turns to look, Dave is shaking his head. "You trolls have got troll versions of nearly fucking everything, don't you?" Not waiting for an answer, he continues, plaintively, "I used to ask myself all the time what I could have done differently, what I should have done. What should I have done that would have made him decide to stay with me. And I came up empty every fucking time."

Karkat wishes this was his Dave, a Dave he could comfort with a touch. Instead, he has to find the right words. He's been told he's fucking good with those. Mostly by Dave. "I don't have an answer for you, either. I don't know why he left like he did. Things must have felt pretty fucking bad for him to think that's what he had to do."

Dave made a hand gesture Karkat chose to interpret as "go on"

"I don't know what you could have done differently—I wasn't there. What I do know is this: however successful he is, he's miserable without you."

Dave tilts his head. "Really?" he asks, his tone full of disbelief and something like hope.

"Yes, really." Karkat sits up. "Just talk to him, Dave. He'll tell you." He reconsiders. "You'll have to drag it out of him by this point if he's gone this long without saying anything himself, but the point is he misses you. I know he does."

Silence stretches between them.

"It's too late." There's a cold finality to the words that sends an unpleasant shiver down Karkat's support column.

"Is he dead, too?" It hadn't occurred to him to consider this possibility, but considering he's currently sitting not too far away from Dave's corpse—

"Nah, he's alive. At least, last I knew, he was."

It's all Karkat can do not to face palm. "Then it's not too fucking late then, is it?"

"Yeah, it really is. I've already cut my ties to this place, to this whole planet, to this whole fucking universe. Divorced Jade common law style and let Karkat go like Elsa. Stick a fork in it and throw it away because it's so done, it's god damn charcoal." He stands in one smooth, mechanically precise motion. "Thanks for the sit and chit, but I'm gonna go see if Aradia's found her stupid boyfriend yet."

Shit. "Wait!" Karkat grabs for and catches Dave's hand. It's cool and there's no give beneath his fingers. "Don't leave like this."

"Like what?" Dave's voice is back to its original blandness, and Karkat feels his heart break a little. "Sometimes, Karkat, you just have to fly away into the sun like a feathery asshole."

"He loves you, fuckface!"

This stops Dave short. "What?"

"He loves you," Karkat repeats. "If he's anything like me, and he is because he literally is me, he's never stopped loving you." He tugs on Dave's hand, doing his best to ignore how wrong it feels in his grip. "Obviously, bad shit went down, and believe me, if I ever see your fucking Karkat, I'm going to punch him right in his stupid face for leaving you in a fucking lurch and letting do this to yourself, but he loves you."

"You see, that's where you're wrong," Dave says, his hand suddenly gripping Karkat's own (and Karkat has a vague idea this should hurt, but he's too focused on what Dave's saying to pay it any mind). "You're smart, Karkat, so I won't waste your time and mine bitching about how, if he really loved me, he wouldn't have fucking bailed on me like he did." His shoulders slump, and the hold on Karkat's hand loosens. "He doesn't need me anymore, if he ever fucking needed me. He's got Meenah to take care of all the 'believing in him' shiz."

"Meenah? You mean Feferi's dancester?" Karkat shakes his head. "Never mind, I don't want to know what convoluted bullshit happened to make that possible." It's time to focus on the matter at hand! "You were with Jade, right?"

Dave lets go of Karkat's hand so he can cross his arms. "Yeah. What about it?"

Why are Daves so stupid? To be fair, Karkats are pretty stupid, too, but at least Karkat's aware of it, which is more than he can say for any iteration of Dave. "Think, idiot. Were you in love with Jade?"

"No." There's no hesitation. "I loved her but I wasn't in love with her."

"Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, your Karkat was in a similar situation? Or maybe he thought you actually did love Jade and didn't want to make you choose? Did that ever occur to you?"

Dave's silence speaks volumes.

"That's what I thought." Karkat blows out a harsh breath. "Does he know you're a robot now?"

"Nah." Dave's head is tilted ground-ward. "I didn't stick around after going Ultimate. Kind of just... left without leaving a calling card or anything. Maybe a dick move now that I'm thinking about it."

"Maybe?" It's Karkat's turn to be incredulous. "Fuck, Dave, how could you do that? Even if you don't give a shit about your Karkat or your Jade, I refuse to believe you'd do that to your Rose."

A rough shrug. "I did though. Rose is better off without me." Another tiny laugh. "Maybe this is what Dirk felt before he did what he did."

Dirk? "And what did he do in this timeline?"

"He killed himself," Dave says flatly.

Karkat feels a surge of pity. He wonders if Dave would be happy to know that Dirk's lived long enough to become a wife-napper in his timeline. Probably not, but it's hard to know: he sometimes thinks his Dave would be happier if Dirk had died instead—at least then he could properly mourn. He doesn't say any of this, naturally. He's not a complete idiot. "I'm sorry," he lies.

"Hung himself in my hour of fucking need," Dave continues as though Karkat hadn't spoken. He runs a hand over his metal hair. "Story of my life in this universe: everyone leaves me when I need them. I'm not a good enough reason for anyone to stick around."

It's not difficult to read between the lines and figure out who else comprises 'everyone' and 'anyone'. Again, Karkat wonders what the fuck this version of him had been thinking. "And you figure it's your turn to not stick around when they need you? Is that it? Revenge?"

"No," Dave says, clearly caught off guard by the questions. "Fuck no. Besides, wouldn't work anyway because no one needs me: not Rose, not Karkat, and not John. Maybe Jade thinks she needs me, but she doesn't need me either."

There's a lot to unpack here, and Karkat doesn't know how much longer Dave is going to listen to him. He doesn't know why he's so bothered by the idea of this idiot leaving without first touching base with the other idiots, but he is. His being here feels... serendipitous.

A stray thought of why is he here floats through his consciousness before being discarded: he's focused on what's happening in front of him. "What if you're wrong, Dave? What if they do need you, like you needed Dirk? Are you really going to abandon them like yesterday's grubloaf?"

"Did it to me first," Dave mutters, petulant. Then he sighs and leans against the wall. "Okay, so I know things aren't going great with everyone... except Rose and Kanaya, I guess. They've always had their shit together. Way better than I ever have. I also absolutely know that Karkat doesn't need me. I might have been in the rebellion, too—better late than fucking never, I guess—but it's not like Karkat actually lets me do anything important. Probably afraid I'd fuck it up, and I can't blame him for that. I fuck up everything I touch—I used to, I mean. I'm Ultimate Dave now, and I'm awesome." The bravado is too little too late, and Dave seems to realize it, too. He kicks awkwardly at the stone floor.

Before Karkat can comment, Dave keeps going, his voice becoming tight with frustration. "But to get back to sad sack me, what was I supposed to do about John and Roxy's failed marriage? What was I supposed to do about the clusterfuck which is Jane's fucking family situation? It's not my fault she shacked up with Jake and Gamzee and inflicts that clown on her kid." His voice carries a note of hysteria now. "Should I have helped John kidnap Tavros that one time? And then there's Jade... You don't think I've given her enough of me by this point, or was I supposed to just stay by her side forever out of a sense of obligation? I mean, fuck, Karkat. That's way too much to lay on me!"

"Don't be an idiot," Karkat says even as his mind reels. So many things are different. They would be, of course, this is an alternate timeline, but it's almost overwhelming to hear them listed out like this all at once. While he wants to ask about Tavros and Gamzee, he doesn't want to break the momentum of the conversation with little, probably unimportant, details. "I'm not here to tell you what you should have done. I don't know what you should have done: believe it or not, Dave, I'm not a fucking seer!" He takes a deep breath to calm himself down. It's hard not to shout, but he's learned over the years that, sometimes, people listen to you more when you're not shouting. "It's not about what you should have done; it's about what you should do."

"And what do you think I should do?" Dave asks, as though Karkat hasn't already made it blisteringly obvious what he thinks Dave ought to do.

Then again, Daves are pretty dumb, and this one is extremely so. "Talk to them, Dave. Tell them how you feel."

"Sounds gay."

For an instant, Karkat is back on the meteor. "You're gay, you asshole."

"Oh, yeah." Dave shifts from one foot to the other. "They're not going to be super stoked to see me like this."

"You think?" Karkat pinches the bridge of his nose. "Of course they're not going to be fucking 'stoked' to see you've done this to yourself, but they love you, Dave. They might be angry with you for leaving like you did, but they'll forgive you. And maybe... maybe you'll be able to forgive them, too. But nothing is going to change unless you actually talk to them."

Dave hmms to himself before shaking his head. "You don't get it, Karkat. Literally? None of that shit even matters. I'm not sad sack me anymore; I'm not tied to this universe. I'm Ult. Dave, and I don't need anyone." He steps away from the wall so he can gesture with over the top grandness, clearly making certain his cape moves with him. "I'm finally free. For the first time in my life, I'm actually who and what I always wanted to be: a chill motherfucker with nothing more important to worry about than whether or not I'm cool. And I don't even have to worry about that, because I'm cool as shit."

He lowers his arms. When he speaks again, his voice is quieter, almost pleading. "For the first time in my life, I actually fucking like myself." 'So don't take that away from me' goes unsaid, but Karkat hears it anyway.

This is just... this is just so sad. This Dave might be saying he likes himself, but nothing is more obvious to Karkat than that he doesn't. Karkat still doesn't really understand what being 'Ultimate' means (and now doesn't feel like the right time to ask), but he understands Dave. Since all Daves are Daves, that means he understands this one, too. And what he understands is this Dave is absolutely fucking miserable and trying to hide it underneath a cool layer of ironic assholery.

Newsflash, Ultimate Dave, Karkat has gotten really good at seeing through that shit!

"Cut the crap, Dave," Karkat says sharply. "I didn't pupate yesterday. Do you honestly expect me to believe that being that," he gestures to Dave's shiny robot body, "and pretending you don't give a shit about anyone or anything actually makes you happy?" Not waiting for the lie Dave's no doubt going to supply him with, he adds, "Didn't you learn anything on the meteor, Dave? You are not and have never been cool."

Karkat starts approaching Dave, who backs away from him. It hurts to see him like this, but it confirms what Karkat already knew. "You were a scared kid like the rest of us, and now you're a scared adult, running away from your problems because you don't know how to fix them. And guess what, Dave: your idiot friends are scared adults, too."

Dave is against the wall again, shaking his head. "No. No, you don't get it at all."

It's a risk, but despite what happened with Dave crushing his hand earlier (which really should have hurt, shouldn't it?), Karkat still refuses to feel intimidated by any Dave. He knows him too well. He reaches out his hand and places it onto a cool, metal shoulder. It's practically vibrating. "I believe in you, Dave. I believe in you, and I know you can do this."

For the longest time, Dave says nothing. The cool shoulder under Karkat's hand gradually stills and warms. Then Dave explodes. Not literally, like the Aradia bot, but in a more figurative way. It feels like an important distinction. He pushes away from the wall, pushing Karkat away, too, leaving Karkat to stumble backwards.

"Oh, fuck off!" There's no expression on Dave's rigid face, which makes the vitriol coming out of his mouth that much more disturbing. "Maybe you're the fucking fairy from Peter Pupa or whatever, but I'm not." He steps closer to Karkat. "I am cool, and I don't need anyone else, and more fucking importantly, no one needs me!"

Karkat licks his lips. A part of him wants to throw Dave's anger back in his face. A part of him wants to shoosh the man child until he calms. Either one seems like a bad idea. "Sounds lonely," he says instead, keeping his voice soft.

Dave jerks back like he's been struck. "It's not," he denies just a hair too quickly. He goes into the familiar nonchalant slouch that Dave goes into when he's feeling cornered. "I told you, Karkat, I'm a whole bunch of Daves—I've got all the friends I could ever want." As if sensing this isn't terribly convincing, he says, "Besides, I'm chillin' with Aradia and not quite dead possessed Jade these days. They're a barrel of fucking laughs."

Of course both timelines have a possessed Jade! Is she possessed by some alternate version of Callie, too? And now Karkat's a little confused, because didn't Dave say he left Jade behind? Is this another Jade from yet another timeline? And why the fuck are Jades so god damn unlucky—she seems to have a fucking talent for being possessed! He shakes his head; he's never been good at timeline bullshit, and he's getting off track.

As for Aradia... It's been a long time since he's thought of her. She'd never been one of his closest friends, for certain, and he remembers that she got disturbing chipper about death after she blew up and came back God Tier. Honestly, he can't imagine traveling around with her like Sollux chose to, or like Dave apparently does.

"So, you don't miss anyone here?" He already knows the answer to this question and wonders if Dave will lie. He decides not to give him the opportunity. "You already admitted you miss your Karkat, so I'm sure there must be other people you miss."

Dave crosses his arms. "I miss aj, too, but I'm not gonna act all broken up about it when I've got this hot new bod, these baller new threads, and, oh yeah, fucking Ultimate Dave powers. I guess the real question is what are you trying to prove with all this mushy shit. What the fuck difference does it make to you whether I miss anyone or not—you don't even belong here."

It has been ages since Karkat's had to deal with a Dave this infuriatingly dense. "You're right: I don't belong here. You know who does belong here, you deliberately obtuse prick? You! You fucking belong here. And I'm gratified to know you at least miss some of the people here as much as you miss fucking apple juice."

"What the fuck ever," Dave says tightly. "I didn't ask for a lecture. I didn't ask for your opinion. In fact, I asked for exactly none of this bullshit, and I'm done. I'm outie." He doesn't move. "I still don't understand why you care so much."

Karkat slowly counts to ten. Then he does it again for good measure. "Dave, I care because, for some ineffable reason, I love you and I want you to be happy."

"What?" Dave sounds startled. "You don't even fucking know me, dude."

"Didn't you tell me you're the most Dave Dave? And aren't all Dave's Dave?" Karkat rolls his eyes. "I love my Dave, and that means I love you, too, moron."

"Oh." Dave looks away. "I guess that makes sense." Then he straightens up and turns his head sharply back in Karkat's direction. "So, what you said before, about, about other Karkat...?"

"What? That he loves you?" Karkat doesn't roll his eyes again, but it's a close thing. "Yes, he loves you. I don't understand why he thought it was a good idea to leave your ass, but any Karkat who's had the misfortune of meeting you gets caught in your fucking thrall. You're so fucking pitiful. And infuriating. And attractive."

"Careful, Karkat, you might give a guy the wrong idea." It sounds so much like Dave's normal banter that it hurts. "I don't know," he says, his voice pensive. "You make it sound like it's gonna be so easy to just step back into everyone's life like nothing happened."

"Of course it isn't going to be easy," Karkat snaps. "But you need to do it: if not for the sake of the people here, for your own." He risks putting a hand on Dave's arm. "Let them love you, Dave."

Dave shakes his head. "Don't bother with the mojo again, man. That shit doesn't work on me: I'm immune thanks to being a bad-ass Ultimate robo Dave and all." Before Karkat can question what the fuck he means by that, Dave puts a cold hand over his own. "But you know what? Fuck it. Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah," Dave sighs. It only sounds a little dramatic. "I'll fucking talk to them. Let them love me or whatever. I guess if it goes bad, I can just fuck off again like I was planning to. I'll have to let Aradia know though; it's only fair."

Karkat feels relief wash over him. He'd been starting to think he'd never get through to this idiot. He pulls his hand away and backs up. "Good." He feels light. "I'm glad you've decided to stop being stubborn asshole about this."

"Being a stubborn asshole is one of the things I do best," Dave said, a smile in his voice if not on his face. "What about you though?" His question is startling for its unexpectedness. "How are you going to..."

The scene seems further away.

"Ah," Dave says. "I get it. Say hi to Dave for me."

Karkat has no time to voice his confusion before everything is gone.

Karkat wakes with a start. The dream is already fading even as his conscious mind tries to gather the remnants together. He remembers... he remembers Dave. But he was a... he was a robot? And dead? He remembers Dave being absolutely infuriating. He remembers he was trying to... trying to get Dave to do something?

He shakes his head and looks at the Dave still sleeping beside him. An urge to wrap Dave up in his arms overcomes him, and he does so as best he can. He's momentarily surprised by the warmth and softness he feels as he presses Dave against his chest. But that's silly: Dave feels like he always does. He's safe and loved and warm and alive.

Dave blinks blearily up at him. "Bad dream?"

Karkat nods, even though he's not entirely certain if the dream he had was bad or not. "I love you."

"Thanks," Dave says, sounding baffled but fond. "Love you, too." He yawns, already snuggling into Karkat's embrace, already going back to sleep.

For a long time, Karkat watches Dave breathe. Then he falls back into a doze, content.

Ultimate Dave looks at the spot where that strange Karkat was for a long while before shrugging to himself. Weirder things have happened in his various lives than alternate timeline ghosts or whatever the fuck just happened here. He picks up his corpse (it doesn't look like he's decayed at all—must be cold as shit in this place) and starts the journey topside. It's time to go home and, maybe, make amends.

[ofcloudsandstars]

Hey guys so here is my experience from last night lmaoo get ready cause it was unsurprisingly a hot mess full of white people microaggressions and me being alone as the only black person present having to deal with their spiritual charade shenanigans.

It's a bit long but it's a colorful description of the event and the experience taking ayahuasca, a wrap up of my own spiritual and magical journey and also a rant on the caucasity rampant in spirituality lol. A tl;dr is that it's sad that White People have to go across the world to take medicine from other people that have ceremonies revolving around it when.. we literally have our own stuff here that's like.. nearly the same vibe.. But more on that below.

So last night for the lions gate sun lining up with sirius star I was invited last minute to an ayahuasca ceremony in the edge of London kind of by Richmond park. The whole universe really opened up for me to do this Ceremony. 

At first I was like I dunno I mean its hosted by wealthy white people right? Admission was £200 and I was like absolutely Not, not for a medicine taken far away from it's land and I dunno how the experience was going to be like, plus it was on a Saturday night until Sunday morning and I work in hospitality and if I couldn't get Tuesdays off to at least work in the garden center growing food and plants how would I get the full weekend off? Plus the ceremony was already full. Well without even ASKING, or really thinking much about it, for once in like.. 2 years working for this company I got the full weekend off?!?! The fuck!!!!! Like I literally had to go to my director to fight my manager to try to get off Tuesdays which are the QUIETEST day of the week for hospitality but I got the full weekend off on like one of the hottest summer weekends in England. My friend co-hosting the ceremony called me to tell me that I wouldn't have to pay full admission and it was all donation to the tribe anyway (like suggested donation) anything I could give would be appreciated but I certainly did not have to pay the full fee. Then I was supposed to go to the beach with my friends in the morning but that all fell through due to unforeseen circumstances. I was thinking the beach trip would make me unable to go to the ceremony but it was just like.. cancelled the morning of lol. Lastly this guy dropped out last second so there was space for me.I was like damn it was like the Universe reshuffled itself for me many times to do this so like sure I will take this opportunity. Plus my friend in this group did work with the tribe in Brazil earlier this year and they are friends with them and do this to raise money so that they can sustain themselves better, like they are building solar panels for electricity, building chicken coups and trying to integrate little bits of modern society (like the electricity and water filtration parts, not like social media and capitalism lmao) into their lives. The last ceremony they did they raised like 2,000 pounds and this got the tribe a lot of food and funds to buy solar panels. So I was like ok this is also a good cause I always would love to help out indigenous people that protect the Earth.

Anyway there was a vibe about the way the Universe just opened itself up for this medicine that reminded me of Mushrooms. Like it's a strange thing but people that take mushrooms medicinally say it as well like it finds you when you need it. Last night I also got a great link to healing mushrooms as well and it was just the time to open myself up to that type of frequency I guess. For a while before it was a challenge to find for years I’ve been living here, but all of a sudden the universe was like: here you go! Anyway I was thrilled to work with this medicine and ground the lessons I've learned getting pinball tossed around the cosmos on DMT at the beginning of 2020 in January.

-

So yes I got to the edge of London and it was in some beautiful secret entrance building painted with murals of green jungle designs, A LOT of Indian spiritual symbolism everywhere, statues of Ganesha and other bejeweled paintings of Indian gods. It was beautiful but to be frank as much as I find Hinduism beautiful I never related much to it cause it's not my culture. What I mean by 'relate' is that there is this SEVERE obsession in white western cultures looking for spirituality in Hinduism and I never really got it. Like yes it's beautiful like many other nature-based spiritual religions but we are so far removed from the climate and nature of India like why are they so fascinated by it? Then.. there were some red flags... 

Ok for starters I was the ONLY NOT-WHITE PERSON there. I think it bothered me more in this moment cause I just got off discussing with an incredible Earthy witch in NYC who changed my life who's trying to do work by providing a nature sanctuary garden for POC how nature is so inaccessible to us and it's gate-kept by wealthy white people. I could elaborate on that more later but this post will be long enough lol. But anyway, why is this medicine not accessible to POC? When it's something not even native to here either? So it's like deliberately not shared with us?

Then there were just some people's vibes like ooooh boy I dunno why but some people just felt cold towards me? Like I guess they were annoyed at me showing up last minute to their ceremony? But my friend was co-hosting it? Like if you trust my friends judgement you should have trusted her in inviting me like I am not some asshole. But they were like.. impatient with me I guess? Like 'oh you didn't bring a waterbottle?? Guess you gotta borrow one of ours.' like BITCH I don't know what to expect man the closest experience I had to this substance was DMT where it knocks you the fuck out of your body and your spirit gets catapulted into the cosmos like I didn't know I gotta bring shit, damn! And then there were some people I felt like I just didn't want to talk to. Like they already had this cold vibe towards me like they didn't think I was relatable cause I wasn't some white cosmic yoga hippie like them (sorry I am a black bog witch like leave me alone) but anyway the way they were talking about the medicine was kind of irking me too like, 'ooh can't wait to clear some stuff I just gotta clear it out you know?' I am like, Becky we gonna be vomiting into buckets like calm down.

AND THEN LASTLY oooh boy so when you do any psychedelic the space really matters right? My friend like.. assigns me this fucking (ooh boy just typing this story and reliving it I am already getting heated lmaooo) |CORNER| spot and what I mean by corner is that it is in the corner of the room but wedged between the fireplace so you are stuck between 3 tight walls and you can't fully lie down or stretch your legs. Everyone across the room could lie down but me. Then there are like vomit buckets and this white girls crystal grid blocking my path if I need to leave to use the toilet or even stretch my legs so already I am having a slight panic moment cause I hate being confined. In general, I tend to like to pick aisle seats on planes and stand on either corners by the door of the elevator cause I fucking hate being confined. So I say something immediately like: ok well can I change spots? I am worried about being blocked. Can I sit there? 'no someone is there.' There? 'no' etc. So I am just like omg I am going to have to deal with it and some people are getting a bit fussy that I am trying to demand better treatment, so I am leaving it. They at least move the pile of vomit buckets out my way lol. But these white women next to me have also taken ALL OF THE NICE fucking pillows to make themselves super comfortable pillow chairs like one for their ass and back against the wall and they were like: oh no you'll need a pillow too! (Cause the ceremony is 12 hours long throughout the night like 9 to 9) and I was like yeah... and they were like: oh no there is no more!! But like CLEARLY all of the nice cushiony things were not evenly distributed across the room and the few people who did not get some nice cushions at least had space to stretch their legs. I didn't really say anything cause obviously these two white women had like pillow thrones happening next to me and this woman literally said with a pouty face: Aww, now I feel bad cause I have two nice pillows!  BITCH, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?!?!?! Fucking christ. See?? SEE IT's shit like THIS that make POC hate that kind of white guilt shenanigans like, oh my god bitch either swallow your guilt in peace or give me a fucking pillow like you are trying to shift the position on to me to pressure you into giving me a pillow which you would either read as demanding or hope that I stay silent and be like: it's ok! so you can enjoy your comfort in peace and be free of your guilt. Like fuck off!!

Then there was this full time astrologer there who has some indigenous feather clip in her hair for some reason. She wanted to say a few things about what was going on with the planets. She was like: I love charting asteroids cause I feel like it's a representation of the divine feminine coming back! (I was going to be like: Me too! But the way she spoke about it was like.. not all of it is feminine? What do you mean?) she was talking about Medusa and eros conjunct in gemini right now and the myth of medusa being smited by aphrodite for being beautiful or whatever and I am thinking like I do not recall this myth cause it was Athena that turned her into the 'monster' to protect her wtf. And wanted to talk about mars retrograde that's not coming up for a while. So anyway I am like: Yeah! I love astrology too!  All that you talked about was pretty cool but I also wanted to mention some big changes are coming up with Uranus going into retrograde a week from now!! :) and everyone just like.. disregarded what I said.. Like she was like: oh yeah.. that's just an outer planet.. OK BITCH like I am pretty sure Uranus, a big ass planet that has to do with revolution, freedom and change going retrograde until Autumn is much more noteworthy than some little asteroid who's myth and energy you've completely misinterpreted being conjunct with Eros. (Eros is moving into Cancer really soon too so the conjunction isn't even going to last that long). Plus I wanted to mention that it was nice that we were doing this ceremony on an Aries moon cause it's like the symbolic start of a cycle yet it's a disseminating moon so it's also like starting off a cycle by celebrating the fruits of our success. But no one really wanted to listen to me anymore though that energy did influence my trip.

Anyway there was a part of me that was pretty bummed that my best witch friend that I did DMT with could not have come as well cause there just was no more space. At least we are always on the same vibe with everything and we would have been laughing about the shadiness of it all or excited about what's to come but I felt pretty alone during this ceremony.

-

So it begins, I got my borrowed waterbottle, the smallest, thinnest and hardest pillow that no one wanted for my ass that hurt more to sit on then the thin yoga mat that was just as thick as a human mousepad and I am like: who knows I may be so out of it I won't notice my space as much. The woman leading this is someone who worked with my friend in the tribe in Brazil. She is Russian and got the feathers in her blonde whispy hair and shit I am like oh boy. She explains what work they were doing and the reason for the fundraiser like the details of what the tribe is building and how they are supporting themselves. Also the tribe that night were also doing an ayahuasca ceremony earlier to sync with us so that they can meet up in the Astral plane which is really beautiful. She also explained how they were surprised at westerners fascination with the medicine. Cause they are like: this is apart of everyday life and there are other healing plants in the amazon too. Like why do westerners have a fascination with this? It is a way to connect with the jungle and cleanse yourself and reset (once again I am making that connection to mushrooms I am like.. the vibe sounds oddly familiar), but they find westerners interest in it weird.

Ok so we start with some ceremonies to open up the space and create this 'fire spiral' altar in the middle of the room. They light the pillar candle and have a tea light for everyone in the room. We each go around to light our tea light in the spiral with our intention allowed. People go there and declare stuff like: I am free, I am aligned with my path, etc.  I think about my intention for this trip and how it feels like another pillar of understanding in my journey to connect with my heart energy, love myself and be proud of my accomplishments cause I really came a long way. I was a bit afraid it was going to be another chaotic DMT experience but I just reminded myself that no matter how bad I felt everything was going to be ok cause I have people in this world that care about me. Even if I disappear somewhere or end up dead someone will come looking for me. And I know that sounds dramatic and morbid but at one point like 5 years ago I really did not have that. I was alone, lost and suicidal. I know what loneliness can do to people and it's nice all of the friends I pulled together in London who are creative diverse witches that all made great friends with each other as well through me and it's like we created this new found family that cares and supports each other. So I light my candle and say alloud: I am protected by love and reflect that in the things I create. Anyway the ceremony leader is like.. can I say something?? BITCH!!! HOOOOO MY GOD I should I have said NO but I was like, ok, she is the ceremony leader so I am like.. go ahead.. She was like: By saying you are protected by love that's implying you could be attacked.. (Like Why the fuck would you say this?? While I am lighting my candle?? You are putting negative energy towards my intention wtf) I was like no I meant it like.. I am supported by love. She is like: ah yeah that's better say that. She did not want to correct NONE OF THESE OTHER PEOPLE when they were saying 'I am free'? BITCH you could have had the same energy like: that's implying you could be enslaved. Anyway that irritated me into my trip. I took the ayahuasca from her and as I was feeling the effects I was feeling more and more adamant about my intentions.

-

I was thinking about the times when I was alone, when I was targeted and attacked by this stupid racist social group in college that made me feel unworthy of friendship and it was hard to make new friends until I was 21 cause it was a city college so most people hung out with their highschool friends until they were old enough to go out and drink so the first two years I was fucking lonely and the subject of like a lot of harassment when I did try to socialize in clubs and would run into those people there. It nuked my self esteem. Plus though I did so much finding friends magic it was really difficult finding friends that into the same things I was. Sometimes I felt like I was the only witch, the only person really into nature and magic. After college I did another spell and met this incredible witch that we synched so much (I have def wrote wild adventures with us together but she was also abusive cause at that point I still did not know how to establish my boundaries well) but I met other amazing witches in NYC but eventually we all moved. The incredible Earth witch who changed my life was the one who accidentally gave me shrooms that were like grown with love and intention that helped break down my mental barriers and help me take charge of my life and finally move out of my house I grew up in.. like completely out of the country and into England to start my life anew. In England I was successful in making a whole community of loving witch friends who really care about me and add to the ceremonies I host. I joined greenspaces to learn how to grow food and plants. I fucking STRUGGLED in my job getting my food in the door with bartending and slaving my way up until I have a cushy desk office job with healthcare. All in 2 years. I fucking hauled ass and created and manifested the life I always wanted when I was suicidal in NYC thinking that this reality was impossible. And every time I feel anxious I know that since I love and trust in myself that I will always protect myself and even if I was worried I have like a whole SET of magical badass witch friends who would help me at anything and I would do the same for them. 

When my roommate was threatening to call the police on me back when lockdown happened (long story) one friend did some healing on her and she like completely came to her senses and apologized the next day which was wild considering that she's such a proud self-absorbed person and would never do that. She realized that she was acting super ugly and was like wow I don't want to be this person. (Also I was so close to cursing the shit out of her lol but we are cool now). Also I am going away to Italy for the first time to be with this gorgeous man who wants to take me around his hometown but I am only going cause another close witch friend just moved to the neighboring town and will check up on me. She made sure to call him without me even asking to look at his itinerary and include herself and her boyfriend in a night of drinks to check up on us lmaoo. She is such an Aries I love her. If anything would happen to me she would make sure I was safe and could stay with her if something went wrong. God I could go on about each friend, how they've helped me with confidence, healing, safety and just feeling loved, valued, accepted and less alone which is powerful in this society that thrives on people not valuing themselves and where pure unconditional love has seemed to have lost it's meaning. One thing I admire about trees so much is how when they grow together their roots intertwine underneath the ground so that they can support each other upright during winds and storms. They also send nutrients to each other and help each other grow. I feel like I made a network of trees with witch friends in London and I am proud of that when I didn't have that years ago when I was alone and actively hated by a group in college. (I mean about the group it was more like a dynamic where a guy who had control over the club wanted to shun me cause he just likes the power dynamic of picking someone to talk shit about like literally if it was not me it was going to be someone else. So one party cause I did have a crush on him, I told him as I was wasted I was into him but then later apologized when sober if he didn't feel the same way. Like it really wasn't a big deal, I was a flirty 19 year old, but it was fuel for him to once again redirect negative attention on someone cause he's someone who's insecure so he likes the power of getting others focus on people and crush them. The "mutual friends" kind of didn't care about what was going on. The reason why this dynamic worked is cause in a way everyone was a bit lonely and didn't value themselves so they were willing to do anything to fit into a toxic social circle to have access to a club room and drink underage on campus to feel included and didn't want to question who the witch hunt of the week was so they could feel like they were in the ‘in crowd’. It was pathetic when one of them would be the new target and they would come to me like: boohoo I know what it feels like. Bitch I do not care and I made new friends and moved on. Fucking cunts.  -Another thing about being protected by love is like as a black woman even though I got some privileges being mixed and half European I still was subject to racism and I am still scared of hate crimes fueled by sexism and queerphobia but I have friends who will support me and understand and if anything happened to me people would care. Like yes some people in this world DO have things to fear about getting attacked cause we are not all privileged in society to not fear getting hurt Karen.

Anyway as the ayahuasca was kicking in I started getting a bit emotional cause I was thinking about people in the world that really deserve to be loved in this society that condemns us for loving ourselves which is the most important thing. I was crying thinking about black kids especially black girls trying to survive in this society or LGBT+ kids and how some people can't even have their existences respected. How people mock others for their gender identity but those people are in a constant battle with loving themselves cause I am sure at the end of the day they feel hopeless at times or giving up and have to fucking battle dysphoria and have to survive in a society that actively wants them dead and its really fucking upsetting like hooo them psychadelics were opening my heart and grief while this white woman across the room was doing some downward dog yoga shit into her bucket so she can wretch into it lmaoo..

When it started kicking in, boy omgg I felt SO GOOD but I was like..  This.. THIS (I got so mad when I realized this)  THIS IS JUST FUCKING MUSHROOMS LIKE!!!!! !!! ! THIS VIBE IS SERIOUSLY JUST SHROOMS, THE JUNGLE EDITION™   like no wonder the tribes are like: what are white people on about? Cause if they all came with their pashmina scarves, harem pants and grinch-finger dreadlocks to my woodland for mushrooms, especially when there are so many magical plants as well but they are just focusing on this psychedelic when there's also like native medicines in every land I would be a bit confused too. Like we were drinking something that was the equivalent of mushroom tea but it made you vomit it back up eventually. Ohh my god lmaooo. 

I felt so beautiful though. Some comparisons if you guys have done mushrooms: where as mushrooms make you feel these gentle pulsations like everything is breathing around you had has this gentle life breathing among everything like it's all connected (like the mycellium under a forest), ayahuasca makes you feel so sensual like everything is kind of just rolling like how the underside of waves look except the waves are large snakes. Like things start getting wavy the way snakes move but slow and sensually, think like the way a bellydancers hips can roll. It was a whole MOOD. Also with mushrooms when you close your eyes you can see these beautiful patterns bloom before your eyes like pastel art nouveau fractal patterns of tree roots, or clusters of bubbles you'd see looking at plant stems vascular bundles under a microscope or the web-like pattern you see in butterfly and dragonfly wings. With ayahuasca when you close your eyes you see like bright neon colored geometric shapes expanding like bismuth crystals, the patterns you see in indigenous textiles like triangles and cubes, sometimes they will lattice together and make beautiful neon snake-skins that gently slither together. If you've ever seen Miyazaki's/Studio Ghibli's castle in the sky it reminds me of that 'lost technology' metal blocks with runes and scriptures on it moving around. Sometimes you will be following this thread of cubes and they'd be moving around like in that scene and in this cavern of blocks you'd see this celestial-looking geometric crystaline being be revealed. It's very beautiful. Though mushrooms can make you purge, it really does not happen often. However with ayahuasca it's almost a guarantee you will vomit it back up.

So people are all wretching everywhere as the ceremony leader is singing some folk songs from the tribe to guide us through our journey. What's cool is that you kind of feel that purge coming towards the peak end of the trip like a kind of brown murky snake rising from the bottom of your body up like kundalini energy starting from the base of your spine bowels past your stomach up until it pokes from your throat opening up that passage way until you feel it in your head and you just release it all out into the bucket. Not really glam but it doesn't taste bad but then again being a bog witch I drink all sorts of murky plant teas so I am used to the flavor palate. (It's like a sweet in an aromatic way and reminds me of one of those chinese medicinal murky teas).

Also as I was realizing the similarities between this and shrooms I was like wow it's a shame that we aren't outside or somewhere with jungle plants at least to connect with that plant energy. Instead we are in this hindu spiritual retreat place but if we just did some shrooms we could have been out in the sunlight at richmond park hugging the massive ancient trees there and feeding the wild deer summer strawberries like instead I am fucking cramped in this corner vomiting into a bucket with this exotic medicine.

As my trip went on I was thinking more about my friends who care about me and support me and how much I loved them and I couldn't stop thinking about my best witch friend that I did DMT with whom I wish was there. Like we would at least have been laughing about this or vomiting together or she would be like: omg this would be such great play-write material. She is white passing but super self aware and would at least make sure that I felt ok and included in all of this. I took a moment to step out of the circle to text her about the details and the woman in the corner doing yoga and vomiting in her downward dog pose and she was cackling and of course since the medicine connects you to that heartspace I was like confessing how much I care about her and how much of a special friend she was to me and was tearing up but one of the ceremony leaders followed me outside and was like: no phones!! It's not good energy!! Omg?? Like sorry I forgot cellphones were the devil's energy, it's not like I am bored and scrolling through social media, I just wanted to connect with my best friend who makes me feel less alone thanks.. Anyway I went back after being scolded and tried to get comfortable in my cramped spot.

Some positive affirmations I did get through all this was that (bringing back the disseminating moon vibe) I was loved and should be really proud of how far I've come. I kept thinking about all the people I love and cared about and how I should express my love in little ways that will make them happy like celebrating love everyday to make sure that people can feel supported cause it was the themes of my DMT trip too but now it was clearer and more grounded. I also got messages that sometimes I tend to be too selfless and there will be a time that I will help others but I should prioritize myself first mostly cause when my cup is full or when I get to positions of power or comfort I can always share that with people I care about. It was a good conclusion to a half years effort cause this also reflected my Glastonbury trip back in November where this witch who read my tarot cards gave me the clearest reading of my life and told me that I would not do well if I did not confront my heart energy and the pain there that was still festering from the social experience at university. So the efforts I went through my friend giving me sound healing and the DMT trip and other stuff has really opened up my heart and helped me to connect with that energy and care about myself more. But there was the theme again of I really need to protect myself first. Sometimes when the white girl next to me was mercilessly wretching and wailing into her bucket I felt so emotional for her that I would fan her but I would get this loud voice in my head like: DID SHE EVEN ASK THAT OF YOU?? FAN YOURSELF IT'S HOT BITCH- SHE OK SHE GOT HER FUCKING PILLOW THRONE WHEN YOUR ASS IS ON THE HARD GROUND. After purging and trying to get comfortable in my corner I would get increasingly aware of the lack of space and how I was starting to feel claustrophobic and it was starting to fuck with me. Cause yeah I got mental health issues, but it's usually under wraps when I take care of myself like, good sleep, food and water but, I was getting sleep deprived since this was an all night ceremony, I wasn't able to eat food to fast before this, and now I can't even fucking lie down cause I was in a coffin of a corner on the hard ground. My muscles and knee joints were starting to hurt. People were so in the zone just like.. doing arm-trance dance shit or throwing up while the ceremony host was hollering some songs which no one understood the meaning to and I felt at that point it was too late to ask anyone to share their pillows. I was noticing as I was coming down from the sensual jungle slithering plane that I was in muscle and joint pain.

I was like: Ok it's fine, the night would go by quickly.. It was not going by quickly.. I remember once I was sneakily looking at my phone’s clock and it was 4:30AM. I was like ok just gotta get through this time will pass.. The ceremony leader was like intoning some frequency so loudly she was trying to channel some celestial dolphins and whales or some shit but it was so high pitched the crown of my head would be vibrating and at first it feels energizing and cool but since my head hasn't had anyplace comfortable to rest I got a tension migraine from placing it on the floor so I could feel the high pitch note like vibrating the pain in my head. Then she was doing individual healings (I also got skipped somehow in this), she would be like channeling the frequencies for each person and making sure they purged what they need to purge and they would wretch into the bucket some more as she was growling into their backs, the feathers stuck in her blonde hair, quivering as she growled, there was the yoga girl now crying releasing her purge again. Someone was sticking their legs into the air and waving them around cause of energy I guess. I am like ok ok time will pass quickly.. what time is it? *sneakily checks my phone again so I won't get yelled at* 4:32am

OH HELL NO. I am trying to calm myself down but like if you struggle with the mental health imbalance I was in the red zone. Like I have not eaten, my stomach is cleared with vomiting, I cannot sleep, I am CONFINED in this corner, unable to stretch my legs, I am in PAIN, I feel alone.. They go around offering everyone a cup again and I am like: fuck it let me take a second cup..

So I start feeling good again, I feel like a sensual snake like trying to slither across silk. (You know when snakes try to slither across silk but they cannot move across it? It's like that you are just slithering in place) but literally I also feel like a clearer message in my mind almost like the spirit of ayahuasca is communicating with me like: Hun.. babe.. You got your positive affirmations that it's your time to rest and celebrate all you're hard work but you need to remember that you gotta honor and take care of yourself as a part of self love and you being confined in this space is not an act of self love. Especially if you do decide to stay here longer your mood and health will drop so low that it will affect others healings so it's best for everyone if you try to go home early. Like I felt the spirit of that medicine actually encouraging me to leave. Like the fucking ayahuasca itself was like this environment isn’t healthy for you lmaoooo.   And I think that's wild.. It's so wild that these white women are all like: We are going to connect with the cosmic dolphin frequencies, and the tribe in the amazon and the human race, but they CAN'T EVEN FUCKING CONNECT TO THE BLACK GIRL IN PAIN IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM, like they can't even distribute their nice pillows, they can't even read that I need help. They SKIPPED me with the individual healing. They were so cold towards me. Fuck it! Even my friend's companion dog who was there noticed I was off. She would look at me with concern in her big eyes and apprehension cause she could feel my pain turning into mentally unstable anger. I was like aw man I am killing the dogs vibe right now but damn the dog noticed and even these white women didn't?! Like I dunno if they are that empathetically shut off or if they were deliberately ignoring me. lmao, Also I think maybe cause I vibe so much with plants and genuinely want to reforest some land some day maybe that's why I feel so at home in the ayahuasca high like the medicine was really comforting the second cup but it also was like: you cannot hide within my frequency to escape pain- cause obviously it's NOT a substance for escapism. Anything but. It was like: it's time to go home and take care of yourself. (Like you'd imagine being on the brink of a mental breakdown taking this stuff may push you over the edge but it was actually very loving, sensual and re-affirming again.)

So the ceremony leaders notice since it's 5AM that most people are comfortably asleep in their piles of pillows and stretched out legs and they are about to go to bed but I go up to my friend and am like: thank you for everything, I think I should go home now.. And the women leading it were all Surprised and Shocked! 'Oh my goodness?? She's leaving?! Going home? The event isn't over!' Mind you this is by Richmond park and I live in north London by Hampstead heath so yeah it is a mission. I also could not afford the £40 uber so I was willing to take the shady public sunday morning night bus home lmao (oh no she'll expose herself to all that heavy shady energies of public transit! 🙄). But I was like the amount of time the bus would take from me to go home is probably not as long as the way time was inching slowly within that space and me being in pain. So my friend walked me out and I was trying to be as loving and cheerful and grateful cause I honestly did not want to bring down anyone's vibe. She checked up on me as I was getting my things to make sure I had a healing experience. I tried to be a little honest in being like: It was beautiful, it reminded me of mushrooms but like from the jungle.. Honestly the reason why I am leaving is cause I am in physical pain and I don’t think I can stay in the corner any longer; and she was like: yeah well ceremony is never comfortable. HOOOOOO LAWDDD. Oooof.. Omg.. Like.. OOF firstly.. The ceremony leaders each had 3 stacks of like thick pillowy matts to sleep on which ONE Of them could have been given to me and like yeah I am sure ceremony is at least bearable when you have a fucking pillow throne and mattresses and not confined in a coffin of a corner spot unable to move your legs without knocking someone’s vomit bucket over. Jesus. I didn’t say anything. I just grabbed my shit and left. As soon as I was free on the other side of the gate I felt SO RELIEVED!!

It was so refreshing being outside on sunrise, free to stretch my legs. I could still feel the affect of the medicine as things would pass me by and I'd see like this stream of energy behind them it was really pretty and cool. Since it was London in Liminal Space Hours™, there were foxes everywhere leaving behind streams of soft light as they'd move around the empty streets. The bus was pretty chill other than this fucking creep of a man walking in this dark cloud and when he moved past me his stream of light was literally some ugly fluorescent hostile neon color I was like wow I can literally see your grimy frequency right now lmaoo. But whatever, anything was better than staying silent in that cramped corner to cater to white women's comfort.

Anyway I got home, got plenty of water, took care of myself and crashed on my super comfortable bed. It was a really good decision I made I could not imagine staying until 9 AM like it was not possible and I am grateful I honored myself in leaving early and listening to ayahuasca's reminder to do that as well.

-

So the conclusions I made:

White people as a modern cultural collective are fucking wild and can sometimes be a lost cause, cause we literally have medicine here that does similar stuff and more like flying ointments which can help you confront your shadow and fly to other planes but they just want to lose themselves in the mysteries of other peoples exotified cultures that still have traditions in tact to celebrate the nature around them cause white people are disconnected completely from the nature that they come from. (Also obviously to clarify I mean white people as the modern white supremacist culture, obviously not everyone individually cause I am friends with a lot of white witches here doing invaluable work connecting people back with the native land, plant medicines and traditions and many of them trying to save the Gaelic language and traditions that are still under threat and being killed off today).

Though ayahuasca can be more of a powerful cleanser than mushrooms, it's essentially the same frequency of plant medicine like the same vibe just connecting you to another land and there is a reason why indigenous people think white people are weird for over glorifying it when we have our own shit. If you are really curious about ayahuasca I mean mushrooms are good enough a job really and will better connect you to the woodlands that you may live in. 

 Most importantly I kind of understand the type of role I need to play and the path there isn't clear cut but it's important for me to keep spreading that message of love. Right now we live in a dark dank ass time line when the Earth is transiting some dark corner of the cosmos and everything is going through it's own nasty purge while we try to ascend to a new and better reality. However this new and better reality is really indifferent towards the existence of the human race or white supremacy so as the earth ascends and has it’s own purges, if people don't fucking get it together, especially white people, we are going to get taken out as the rest of the world thrives and glows up without us. It's so easy to fall into a spiral of self hate cause this shitty evil society we live in thrives on us not knowing how to honor ourselves and love ourselves. Even capitalism has twisted the idea of loving ourselves into something selfish or synonymous with splurging money to further empower stupid companies to give us quick highs from new purchases that will lose it's meaning and later pollute the earth.

On these trips a message I keep on getting is that love and life are synonymous. It's true and sad that there are many people brought into this world without love but what lets life thrive and what makes life worth living is love. And love is really that energy where we are grateful in our existence and the existence of our friends and those that support us and nature that supports us. But often what helps us understand that love is being able to support ourselves and do stuff that honors ourselves. And yes being loved IS a need, so it's important to seek out friends that validate you and that will love and support you and that you can do the same with them. If you find that network you will feel less alone and when you love yourself you will never feel alone and that in itself is true empowerment. When you have love in your life like that you can do anything and you will always feel safe. And I think that's why I was crying at the beginning of my trip cause I know what it's like to not have that. I know what it was like to feel hopeless and suicidal. We also live in a society that like beats down on kids of color especially black girls and like LGBT kids especially trans kids and it makes me so sad to think that there are people here that don't even realize how valuable they are by just existing. Like their lives don't just matter, they are INVALUABLE and that they need to fight for themselves every day and make the effort to love themselves cause honestly once they push through and really figure out how to love themselves they don't realize that they are literally a beacon of light and hope for others to learn how to love themselves too. Once they get to that place someone else who could be alone and struggling can look to them and be like: wow I do have the right to exist and be valued cause this person found a way to do it themselves even though society shat on them the whole time. And it's important to support your peers in these marginalized groups as well and be allies to those who are not well supported in this society. Like this is such a shitty timeline but people need to realize that they are made of love and that they are valuable and that the future of humanity and our peace and well being depends on their missions to find love for themselves and overcome white supremacy's demon ass structure that is enslaving us all.

Ok that is all. If you have read all of this thank you <3