#also that play structure was quite literally the hit list set

[meiloorunsmoothie]

me this week:

has not yelled about jeremy jordan on tumblr, the place where i yell about jeremy jordan to anyone and everyone

also me this week:

terrorized children by standing on a play structure for an undisclosed amount of time with a giant smile on my face because it looked like the hit list set (no i did not blast broadway here i come—i was very tempted to...but alas, children)

watched the concert proposal video x1000 times (newsies recap too, but that's longer and i have less time for that)

got a friend to spontaneously search up my broadway trio (found out she's already a laura osnes fan, many thanks to hallmark christmas movies)

spammed a group chat that is sick and tired of jeremy with jeremy gifs (just...you know...in case they forgot about him XD)

stayed a friend's place until 12 am jeremy-ing 🙈 (we were watching finding neverland, her first time....and then we jj youtube spiraled XD she was controlling the remote it wasn't *all* me XD)

[amewinterswriting]

Ame Plays: Littlewood

A cute little life sim that's perfect if you like Stardew Valley but felt the pesky 'farming' bit was keeping you away from more interesting things.

You are the hero who vanquished the Dark Wizard and saved the world. The problem is, you can't remember any of it. Still, there's a town to rebuild and your trusty travel companions are by your side. Along the way, you can make new friends, pick up some new hobbies and maybe learn about what really happened in your past...

The good:

All characters who live in your town (except Dudley, the wise old mentor-type character who practically raised you) are romanceble regardless of gender.

There are canon queer 'default' romances between the villagers if you don't romance them.

Everyhing has clear lists of what you need to progress: I especially liked that in order to get particular travellers to visit, you need to sell certain items and it tells you exactly what you need to sell in your journal. Other games would make it a trial-and-error discovery process.

Absolutely everything about your town is decided by you - the position of houses, decor, paths, elevation, plants, etc. This can be edited at any time and destroying anything reimburses all the materials used to create it, meaning you are free to tinker and redesign with no penalty to progress.

The plot and characters are all nicely written with a surprising amount of depth.

A surprisingly good card game built-in - a simple trading card structure with a fair bit of strategy and anticipating opponent's plays.

No combat - the only 'dangers' just exhaust some energy and kick you out of an area if you are 'hit'. You mostly just have to avoid getting hit.

The bad

After marriage, your spouse just hangs out inside your home despite having their own and doesn't roam around outside or have dialogue about their interests/personality anymore.

A lot of the late game is dependent on random chance for acquiring the right items. At a certain point, you will be advancing time just to refresh the items available in the shops or areas. At this point, it starts to feel very grindy.

The last few achievements are literally just grinding for the sake of it. By this point in the game, you have more resources than you can ever use but you will still need to spend a few more hours mining and chopping trees if you want that achievement. This is more a case of 'when do you decide to stop playing?' - if you feel like you've achieved everything you want, you can absolutely call it quits earlier than this.

I thoroughly enjoyed the game while I was in the early/middle stages of it, but it felt like it just needed a little more to keep it interesting in the late game. Perhaps more interactions post-marriage - not just between yourself and your spouse, but also the budding romances we get a glimpse of after the wedding. Perhaps a set of community requests where your villagers want to add in more facilities or have noticed their neighbours would benefit from a new thing. Maybe a few more events - there's usually only about 3 a month, which makes 12 all year. It often feels like a long time before anything different happens to break up the grind. That said, it's a small indie game and I've sunk a good 54 hours into it, which is comparable to most JRPGs but at a quarter of the price, even if I had picked it up at full price (I actually picked it up as part of a Humble Bundle, but it also goes on sale very regularly). I've definitely gotten my value for money out of Littlewood and would recommend for a cozy, chill game.

[zedecksiew]

Kriegsmesser

When I received Kriegsmesser in the mail I finally googled "kriegsmesser", and found out it meant "war knife". Which makes sense; Gregor Vuga's ZineQuest 2021 project is a tribute to "roleplaying games named after medieval weapons".

I love Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay's piss-renaissance Old World setting. I tend to pick up WFRP-a-likes sight unseen:

Warlock (quality);

Small But Vicious Dog (yesss);

Zweihander (which I have come to hate); etc.

Anyway: I backed Kriegsmesser without really knowing anything about it. So Kriegsmesser surprised me.

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Kriegsmesser grew out of a Troika! cutting. Its 36 backgrounds are compatible with that system: each come with a couple of lines of description; a list of skills and possessions; an a visual cameo cropped from actual 16th-Century woodcut art.

Cohesive and competently flavourful. My favourite is the Labourer, who always starts with "an empty pine box":

"You've spent your life breaking your back, working hard for other people's profit. You have nothing to show for it but a spectre of the future."

(The obligatory ratcatcher-analogue , called the Vermin Snatcher, is here -- check that box!)

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Kriegsmesser also comes with its own ruleset. Hits all the notes it needs to, with lots of orientation and advice for how to run a game -- but ultimately super-simple, mechanically:

Roll d6s equal to the value in a relevant skill, look at the highest result. 6 means you get what you want; 5 or 4 means you get what you want, at a cost.

It's not quite a dice pool, since only the highest result matters. No opposed tests.

+

Kriegsmesser intends to have this base mechanic handle fights, too. The combat rules - with armour, toughness and weapon values -- are nested in an optional section.

For a WFRP-a-like, this feels like a purposeful departure.

Many of WFRP's most celebrated adventures are celebrated for bits that their underlying ruleset does little to support: the investigative structure of "Shadows Over Bogenhafen"; the complicated timetable of "Rough Night At Three Feathers".

Ludwig von Wittgenstein never needed a statblock to be memorable.

Not to say that lethal, hyper-detailed fights isn't super Warhammer-y. (Kriegsmesser includes an injury table, broken down by body-part -- check that box!)

But here it feels like Gregor is saying: "I'm not Games Workshop and Roleplay isn't an ancillary of Warhammer Fantasy Battle; we can evoke grim-and-perilous-ness even if we fork away from heavy combat rules."

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It has become ritual for me to read my partner Sharon to sleep.

Sometimes I read her RPG things. The other night, after I read her Kriegsmesser's introduction --

" The Empire wages an eternal war against Chaos. Its priests preach of Chaos as an intrusion, something unnatural ... These men see Chaos in anything that does not buttress their rule. They call it disorder, anarchy, corruption. They say that to rebel against their order is to rebel against god and nature. That the current arrangement is natural, rather than artificial.

" Meanwhile, the common people look to the Empire to deliver the justice that they were promised and they find none. They look to the Empire and do not see themselves reflected in it. They look around at what they were taught was right and good and see only misery.

" Their world begins to unravel. Chaos comes to reside in every heart and mind sound enough to look at the world and conclude it is broken. "

-- Sharon remarked: "Nice one."

The RPG things I read her generally leave Sharon lukewarm. She has enjoyed a couple -- but, yeah: for many of these books, text isn't their strong point.

Kriegsmesser is the only time I can recall Sharon praising the writing of an RPG book without my prompting.

Nice one.

+

That introduction surprised me. It underlines Kriegsmesser's biggest departure from its WFRP-a-like pedigree: how it characterises Chaos.

Corruption, a mainstay of most grim-dark-y games, is made an optional rule, like combat. Explaining this, Gregor writes:

" Kriegsmesser partially subverts or deconstructs the traditional conceit of Warhammer where the characters are threatened by the forces of Chaos. In this game it is the player characters who are the agents of 'Chaos': they are likely to become the 'rats' under the streets, and the wild 'beast-men' in the woods bringing civilisation down. It's the Empire and its nobles and priests that are corrupt ... "

Describing the Empire, Gregor writes:

" The Empire encompasses the world yet is terrified of the without. It enforces itself with steel and fire yet considers itself benevolent. It consumes the labour of others with bottomless hunger yet calls its subalterns lazy, or wasteful, or greedy. "

Holy shit this is the first time I've seen the word "subaltern" in an RPG thing, I think?

I love this.

+

Rant incoming:

With every passing decade Warhammer abridges its Moorcockian roots more and more; nowadays it is "Order = Good" and "Chaos = Evulz", pretty much.

Gone are the days when chaos berserkers are implied to grant safe passage to the helpless (because Khorne is as much a god of martial honour as he is a god of bloodletting); Or that the succor of Papa Nurgle is a genuine comfort to the downtrodden; Or that Tzeentch could unironically embody the principle of hope, of change for the better.

As Chaos is distilled into unequivocal villainy, Order goons get painted as Good Guys by default --

Giving rise to Warhammer's contemporary problem, wherein fans are no longer able to recognise satire.

+

When I was introduced to 40K, it seemed pretty clear that the Imperium was a Brazil-esque absurdist-fascist bureaucratic state: planets are exterminatus-ed due to clerical error; the way it stamps out rebellions is the reason why rebellions begin in the first place.

Tragi-comic grimdarkness. That was the point.

Nowadays that tone has shifted -- and you're more likely than not going to encounter a 40K fan who argues that the Imperium's evils are a justified necessity, to prevent worse wrongs.

We went from:

"Space Nazis because insane dumbass fuckery, also chainswords vroom vroom rule of badass!"

To:

"Space Nazis because it makes sense actually, and also chainswords make sense because [insert convoluted rationalisation here]."

+

Even Fantasy Flight's Black Crusade line, which ostensibly offers a look at 40K from the perspective of Chaos, never truly commits to its conceit.

With prep you could play a heroic band of mutant freedom fighters, resisting the tyranny of the Evil Imperium --

But I don't remember Black Crusade giving that kind of campaign any actual support. Its supplements service the relatively more conventional "You can play villains!" angle; the Screaming Vortex is a squarely Daemons-vs-Daemons setting.

+

This tonal drift culminates, in my mind, with Age of Sigmar, Games Workshop's heroic-fantasy replacement of the old WFRP / WHFB setting.

Here's the framing narrative for AoS's recently-launched Third Edition. Let's see whether I've got things right:

A highly professionalised, technologically-superior tip-of-the-spear fighting force (the Stormcast Eternals);

Backed by an imperialist military-industrial complex (Azyrheim);

"Liberating" rich new territories (Ghur) for exploitation by a civilised settler culture (Settlers of Sig-- I mean, Free Cities);

Justified because the locals are irredeemable heathens (Chaos and Kruleboyz).

I mean, that's a sweet-ass Warhammer setting. It's contemporary, laser-guided lampoon. Except it is played totally straight.

In AoS, a literal crusade is justified as the moral good.

+

I think Kriegsmesser surprised me because its framing of Chaos -- as a promise, as the light of hope shining through cracks of a broken world --

It feels so fucking right.

Yes: its a subaltern deconstruction of the conventional moral universe of Warhammer -- but it is a take that is also already implied / all but supported in the various depictions of the setting: from WFRP to the modified title-crawl of Black Crusade.

I'm annoyed I didn't think of it, myself. Damn you, Gregor!

And I'm annoyed that more Warhammer fans aren't thinking it, also.

+

lmagine if Kriegsmesser's perspective stood on equal standing as the GW orthodoxy. Imagine if, instead of simplifying stuff into "Order = Good" and "Chaos = Evulz", GW did a Gregor Vuga.

You'd have a Rashomon-ed Warhammer, where villainy depends on perspective:

You are fearful villagers, huddled around your priest, muttering prayers against the wild braying coming from the trees beyond your gates.

You are Aqshyian tribeswomen, defying the thunder warrior towering over you, the foreigner demanding you bow to his foreign god.

You are a Tzeentchian revolutionary cell, desperately trying to disrupt a Inquisitor's transmissions so your home planet isn't destroyed by fascist orbital fire.

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Get Kriegsmesser HERE.

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( Image sources: https://theenemywithinremixed.wordpress.com/2021/05/21/thoughts-on-the-4e-death-on-the-reik/ https://www.criterion.com/current/posts/59-brazil https://www.deviantart.com/faroldjo/art/Warhammer-40k-Black-Crusade-273596035 https://www.warhammer-community.com/2021/06/09/fancy-a-new-life-bringing-order-to-the-mortal-realms-join-a-dawnbringer-crusade-today/ https://www.nme.com/blogs/the-movies-blog/team-america-15-anniversary-south-park-2558750 https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Palestinian_children_and_Israeli_wall.jpg )

[wexhappyxfew]

i literally choked on my pizza when i saw your writing and analyzing questions post, I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!! first of all, what sort of process do you go through when creating characters? what kind of things do you take into consideration when creating them? i’m fascinated because creating characters is far from easy, especially when you’re creating someone like agent mortem! i’m always interested to know what the writer’s thought process was when creating a new character!

okay, so secondly, i wouldn’t say i’m having trouble with keeping all my planning organised and ‘precise’ in a way, but it’s really not easy 😅 i was wondering what kind of processes you go through when planning, whether you have like a specific structure or a set of steps to follow, or if you just kind of roll with it? at the moment when i plan it’s okay and it makes sense, but it’s literally just 4 or 5 pages of really chunky paragraphs which makes it really difficult to pick out the events again when i come to needing the plan to help me. i don’t really know if you do anything different, but if there is any way you know of that i could keep it more organised and easy to follow, that would be great :)

i’ll keep the last ones a little shorter because this ask is already looking veryyy long — what have you enjoyed writing about natia, what struggles have you faced and what have you learned? and basically the same with agent mortem if that’s possible :) i have asked a LOT of questions in this, so don’t feel like you have to answer them all because it will probably take quite a while 😅 anyway, thank you for putting up with my endless questions, and i hope you have a good day <33

ROSE AH HELLO MY FRIEND!!!! <333 sorry ive just gotten to this omg! it’s been sitting here for a little while but i’ve just had so much going on right now and wanted to make sure when i answered that my *full attention* was put on this! (because i’ve been very excited to answer this ESPECIALLY as i see agent mortem questions poking up on here and that just makes me even more hype!!! :D enjoy! <3

Ooooo this is a cool question! I’ve been asked it before but I feel with different characters and such, it always seems to fluctuate for me at least? In the sense, it’s almost never the same process for me in the developmental stages of a character haha! Sometimes I get characteristics first hand, or sometimes a certain scene pops up that just makes the character click and I can build from there, or sometimes, it’s just a last name or a first name that I work with and suddenly have an idea for!

For example, since we’re on the general topic of Landslide, I’ll talk about some things I did when creating specifically Natia. The “Natia” who is currently portrayed in the fic, was not always really like that. Natia initially was not a SOE Agent/Polish Resistance Fighter and instead a Dutch Resistance Member who would meet with Easy in Episode 4. I always sort of knew Natia, in whatever form she was, would meet Easy in Episode 4, but I wasn’t sure how, so the building in the first 17 chapters was the toughest part to come.

I did heavily feel the Polish were underrepresented in terms of the situation of the war along with everything that happened in the Warsaw Uprising and so I felt it was important to see if I could do something with that and that’s really where Natia came into play!

Natia means “hope” essentially and something I really like doing with her character is to parallel or juxtapose different ideas together, to continue on this sort of theme of her being a quite ominous and ambiguous character — you get the general sense of what her morals are, but in certain points it’s questionable. Morally-ambiguous characters have always been fascinating to me, especially female morally-ambiguous characters and so creating Natia in that respect I felt would be interesting to see what I could do!

Something major that I’ve slowly began to take into consideration with characters more and more, is the sort of general theme I want to be present with them — what’s that goal i that they are moving towards in the end and what’s the them surrounding it? For Natia it’s a multitude of things; family, revenge, being silenced, numb, grief, mentor vs protégé, lone wolf etc….the list could truly go on! And with these basic sort of ideas and themes, I can then move on from there and expand.

Why did she want REVENGE? Because the enemy killed her FAMILY, which is extremely important to her, and she wants to feel some sort of REDEMPTION for them.

Why was she BEING SILENCED? Because of the *past* conflict of the HARMFUL MENTOR VS SILENCED PROTÉGÉ situation that occurred between Agent Mortem and herself, where she allowed herself to be silenced by someone who abused the SUDDEN POWER he never had before in his life, ultimately leading to her continued issues of TRUST that she would meet throughout.

Why is she NUMB? Because at a fairly young age she experienced heavy and intense GRIEF that struck unforgivably at a time where it seemed things were safe. To rip something from a character, especially the main character, like FAMILY which is extremely important, you pull at the heart strings and it makes that character move forward on a quest for that in a way, ultimately by the end of the fic. (Basically you up they are least get a semblance of that lost thing, found again by the end)

Why is she a LONE WOLF? Because of the MENTOR VS PROTÉGÉ situation yet again, where she was taught to rely strictly on herself and no one else and so when TRUST and COMPANIONSHIP and TEAMWORK were introduced to her character, she didn’t know how to cope because she had been so desensitized to the ways of Agent Mortem that working back in the morals of family and friends was a challenge in its own respect.

It’s sort of a like a ripple effect if you think about it and that’s what helps me eventually move forward and develop the character arc I want to take place. She’s this way because of this — sort of like cause and effect. It’s really helped me out with major scenes or plot holes that have risen throughout the fic!

AGREED! Writing in general is not an easy feat and now including mind you ORIGINAL CHARACTERS, you’re literally, essentially, creating human beings from scratch and giving them characteristics, a backstory, trauma if you wish, friends and family, people they love, people they hate, morals, standards EVERYTHING! ITS INSANE! AH AND AGENT MORTEM! I’m so very glad that you brought him up, because his creation definitely stemmed directly from the want to experiment with the relationship of failed mentor vs protégé, entirely. I wanted a foil to Natia that was not directly with her all the time. Mortem plays such a MASSIVE role in her story and yet any interactions between the two are either from her mind or from memories and that’s just such a fun way to play around with their dynamic! (I just finished the creation of his backstory and character arc I want him to take and it’s only made me even more excited for what’s to ultimately come for him as well as Natia!)

A song that HEAVILY represents their dynamic is Ghost by Marvin Brooks (2WEI) and I’ll explain why. Even though Mortem is not always inherently *with* Natia, he still is a huge factor of her life, and still heavily controlling many aspects of her life such as recurring memories, reactions, and how she is also conditioned to react to certain things as well. He is essentially a “ghost” who is “haunting” Natia and I feel that’s an interesting take on their connection because they’re two people who clearly had a power struggle and a difference of opinions of multiple things and that just makes it so incredibly interesting to write!

song:

OOOOOO good question!!! So many people have such different ways of approaching story writing and planning and drafting and writing and editing and it’s honestly amazing!! I will say, I’m not an excessive planner or even a real great planner with writing, I never really have, and even as I’ve developed my writing and learned that “it’s okay to slow down”, or “it’s okay to take time for different portions to provide a deeper focus”, I still have not been someone to plan out every bit of my writing.

Reason being is I enjoy seeing where I can take the story in that time and place. Maybe if I’m doing a quick little writing segment and suddenly this idea just appears and hits me, I work it into the fic and it takes it a whole new direction and I end up not being super upset about it because it just…it works! And of course, this is not how other people operate and I have every respect for people who plan and have every detail laid out and figured out and just….completely and utterly planned to the dot. Lile kudos to people who genuinely get the planning all cleaned up before even writing, truly.

I just finalized Agent Mortem’s backstory and where I want his character arc to go and I’ve had him as a character since August of last year LOL! But ya know sometimes, I sit and I think back and go, maybe I wasn’t ready at that time to develop him completely yet because I, the writer, didn’t understand him enough to and I had to write more of him to be able to get a grasp of who he was and his character (and just about everything else!) and that’s okay!!! :)

Going with this idea I just stated above — the 4 or 5 pages of info — KEEP IT MY FRIEND!!! I swear, half the reason ideas even come to me is simply because I just write a big info dump that has all my little ideas somewhere inside and will ALWAYS be there. I recommend maybe taking a day though - away from focusing on writing or editing - and just picking that apart. (That’s what I did the other day and it helped me out MAJORLY! and it was worth it in the end!) Maybe keep the original 4-5 pages and then copy and paste the same thing in another doc so you always have the original!

And then just go through and split ideas apart! If you start reading and see it moving into another realm of headspace of ideas, just press enter and separate the two — you didn’t delete it, it’s still there and still intact! It’s just easier to look at now because instead of two, jumbled and completely different ideas, you now have two paragraphs and portions of text that relate to their own respective idea. It definitely makes it an easier pill to swallow when trying to get yourself organized!!

This really helped me when I was in my beginning stages of figuring out Landslide ESPECIALLY the first 17ish chapter where Natia was not in contact with Easy yet. I’ve explained it before but those chapters are there because we are seeing her final days with the resistance in Warsaw and how she ultimately ends up with Easy PLUS we see who she is as a character by herself and how she is not merely an extension off of Easy, but her own character, her own person. She has her own story and her own morals and ways of going about her life that don’t even relate to Easy. Their paths just happened to cross!! :)

By getting those first 17ish chapters planned, not extreme planning though I will admit, half the scenes were very much thought up on the spot for example like Natia driving to Munich in disguise or the introduction of Zdzich — two very important scenes that show us something about Natia. (1) She’s willing to go to extreme lengths for the people she loves to ensure that in the end they are safe, even if it means sacrificing herself and (2) she has trouble realizing that there are people out there that genuinely care for her, a connection to her ultimate, unruly and upsetting past. And the best part about it is THESE WEREN’T EVEN PLANNED! So sometimes, just let the story take the reigns and your mind and just guide you through it. Sometimes it is for the best :)

If you have your basic ideas and concepts and themes for how you want your fic to eventually go, the scenes for me most of the time just appear I guess when they should. Sometimes even in the times I'm not writing, I sit theorizing and questioning and thinking and developing ideas in my mind and it's a real good exercise, so when you get back to writing, you already know where you want the fic leading in the end!

MAN I LOVE THIS QUESTION. Anytime I can provide some meta or give some insight to Natia who is just one of the best characters I’ve gotten the pleasure of working with, I’ll gladly answer!

The thing I enjoy writing about Natia the most I feel, and I’ll probably always say this, is her complexity — as a writer, her character orders a healthy challenge for me that I gladly have accepted! You don’t know everything about her as a reader and as you read each chapter, that’s how you slowly uncover and discover what she hid about herself to protect herself. There’s so many different aspects of her that I could discuss truly!! (There has been so many parts that I’ve scrapped because I read through and just think “Man this doesn’t seem like Natia!”. She’s tricky sometimes to stake down exactly how she would react because of her past and her trauma and how long she’s been in war, but I just LOVE it!)

Many different aspects of her character though, come from her past and that’s what makes her interesting. I’ve really enjoyed working with the ideology of “Chekov’s Gun”, a writing device that can be used, with how I will mentioned something and it almost might seem out of the blue, yet later it all just makes sense?! When the flashback is revealed or a small portion of her past is finally allowing *light* in. It's a device I've used with Natia that has just really helped to develop her story at the pace I want it to be revealed! :D

For example, the OCEAN is mentioned many times. I make constant reference to the WAVES, the RECESSION of them from time to time, the comparison of the OCEAN both ABOVE and BELOW surface — all of that sorta stuff! For her character, it seems a bit out of place. She’s COLD. She’s NUMB. She’s BROKEN. What does an open body of water consuming at least 70% of the Earth have to do with an OC based in Warsaw, Poland?

This is where the importance of her PAST will play it’s role, as it has a major INFLUENCE on her and her CHARACTER and her MORALS. One of the main reasons the OCEAN is inherently connected to Natia is because of her PAST and one of those main reasons is AGENT MORTEM and her TRAINING, especially WATER training. I can’t comment further on this though as readers have only touched the tip of the iceberg for the use of the OCEAN and it’s IMPORTANCE so far in this fic! (Ask me again about it once this fic is finished up for the most part, unless….by Part 4 readers understand why!)

Natia just remains a character who constantly is developing and changing inside my head - where I want her path to ultimately end up leading by the end of the fic, where I want both her mental head space vs emotional head space should be and etc. So many portions of this fic are dealt specifically on her internal monologue and how she calculates and problem solves from that portion of her sort of *engagement* within the conflict. There never seems to be a dull moment when writing her!

Another thing I really have enjoyed about writing Natia is her clashing personality traits that make her interesting to write in both different scenarios and reactions. She's stubborn yet humble. She's numb and cold but internally extremely caring and giving and filled with these bottled up emotions. She's mentally strong yet she's been through so much and let the war take so much. She never complains about what she's doing, but she's lost nearly everyone she loves. She's a fighter in this war and refuses to back down from a battle she know she can wage, but the second she is pulled from the aspect of war, things crash and burn around her. Just even these few combating sort of things, really show her character and what, through writing, has slowly developed! They always lay around in the back of my mind and it's one of the main things I remind myself when I write Natia all the tme.

I think one of the most important things I've learned from both writing and creating a character like Natia is that (1) it's okay to ask for help, about anything, literally anything. You don't have to confine everything to yourself and build up this immense pressure to do what you must to continue moving forward. It's okay to have people there to help you and support you. (2) It's okay to be strong alone and even if you seem to be the only one on the current path you're are on, it does not mean you are wrong. it can still lead to the right destination in the end!

Oooo okay! AGENT MORTEM!! I am totally down to chat about some things I've loved to write with him with and some challenges I've discovered, but as far as what I've learned from him, I will be holding off and could answer that when the entire fic is both completed and then updated on platforms....just because ;) don't want to give away any spoilers haha! <3

Something I've enjoyed about writing and crafting Agent Mortem is letting him remain as mysterious and secretive as he is for so long. Initially, I can't even begin to recall what his character would be like even a year ago, but seeing where he has developed now, I'm really happy with where he is. He's mysterious, he's shadowed, he seems like a figure in the background, a past mentor who is half deranged and lost his mind with a background with so substance. It makes for such a fascinating way to begin to reveal his past! (something I've began to insert into part 4 of Landslide and man I'm just so HYPE!)

I feel I'm excited simply because he's finally getting the time and moment he deserves to finally explain and show himself as to what has occurred. There's so many fractured and disconnected parts of what is currently going on with Natia and her connection to both Agent Mortem and then Death is tossed in the mix and it seems this big complicated mess of 'how' Agent Mortem got to be this way, 'why' he does a thing such as this, just different and varying aspects such as that. it makes for those big final reveals to all be even more worth it!

He has been quite the challenge though I will admit. There's so many perspectives he could quite possibly be viewed from and his *character* + morals/values could be pulled in a various amount of ways as well. Making sure he accurately comes across the way I want him to both appear and come across to the reader and to myself has definitely been tricky. He's not as easy as suspected, you know, not just a 'dude who had a bad day and went insane in the end', there's a whole multitude of levels and reasons and a deep, heavy and traumatizing background starting from his birth really (which is a whole other story). Managing and balancing that all in one has definitely been something I've had to keep on top of and monitor but I feel has really been worth the challenge in the end. Because at the end of the day, I'm someone looking to constantly challenge myself.

And a good challenge, whether it be writing or academics or a workout, is healthy and GOOD! That's what Landslide in a whole has really shown me, to challenge yourself daily to see where you can push yourself and your imagination and creativity, just to see where you can even go!! it's exciting and refreshing!

Thank you so much for this wonderful ask Rose! I appreciate it more than ANYTHING as you well know, and I know it's taken me *quite* some time to answer, but I've been working on it for weeks now and finally got it out because it was ready! I really wanted to take my time with it and develop it to its full potential in the end and I feel I have (without giving away any spoilers haha!) As always, please know if you have any further questions regarding Natia Filipska, Agent Mortem, Death (along with other characters of Landslide), writing, the process (my own included), tips for writing/planning, or just anything else in general, I will always be happy to help in anyway I can! You're always welcome, anyone always is!!! <3333 Thank you again, I had so much fun doing this more than anything! :D

[uwuprime]

Robot syntheia sounds cool. What about other stuff? ADHD robots even? Autistic?

Y'all don't even know.

My degree path is in Computer Systems. This is literally My Thing, trademarked, capitalized, underlined. I'm also definitely not neurotypical, if my therapist is to be believed.

[Ursula voice] Its all I do, its all I live for...

Cybertronian Neurodivergence and You: A Guide, Part 1!

First things first, I'm gonna hit y'all with a few statistics, so play with me in this space for a minute. The tolerance, or the electrical voltage/current level of error a tpyical solid electrical component can take, is around +/-5%. Anything within that range is normal, but above that, things start to get weird.

Most components can be made to be more or less sensitive. Some pecision-made electronics can have an over/under-charge allowance of as little as +/-1%. Some are made with a tolerance of as high as 20%, but most things beyond that point are like fuses and breakers, partly mechanical and meant to stop the current moving through a circuit (break) when a certain threshold is reached to avoid fire and other damage-related hazards. That's just straight-up components though. There's also acceptable failure rates for logic and other computer chips, cabling, and power sources. What I'm trying to say here is that not only is neurodivergence and even physical failure/defect in Cybertronian biology possible, if we follow TF's throughline of human-cybertronian parallels, its likely much more common than you think!

I can especially see this in things like sensory overload. Imagine if it was something that was literally quantifiable. Especially in logic circuits and computing, there are certain things you just aren't meant to do with a circuit at the same time. You only have a limited number of inputs and outputs, and if you exceed what the circuit is capable of you can quite literally induce something known as a "panic" state. Panic states in computing are actually quite aptly named: they occur when either capacity is overloaded or an input that isn't understandable is applied, and the computer quite literally fails to continue making logical decisions/outputs. If you've ever heard the term "kernel panic," you have the right idea. The Blue Screen Of Death is along the same lines.

This leads to incredibly erratic responses, and if a circuit isn't built to self correct, it needs to be manually reset by an outside technician. I'm sure that fic exists already.

So, panic, anxiety, and related issues? Absolutely plausible. Moving on.

There's definitely parallels in ADHD and priority selection, both in a hardware and software sense. If there's more than one input to be handled by a single circuit, one needs to have priority, or the system won't set or reset properly. This leads to errors in your output, ranging from math/logic errors to Panic, as described above.

Now, notice that what I've talked about thus far has been in reference to external/user-input errors. Internal calculations and output errors is where that acceptable failure rate lies. If, say, your failure rate is also 5%, and 100 logic chips are needed to make a circuit, five of them are anticipated to be faulty. In the real world, this is where you would test for and replace the broken part(s), but in this context it could extend as a sort of stand-in for genetic disorders, predispositions, and other in-born traits.

Autism is a great example, here. Not necessarily in the context of a logic "defect," but in the way that there are structural differences between the way the metaphorical schematics look and the way a logic circuit functions. Under some conditions, one might not ever notice, but if certain inputs or calculations are along the "wrong" pathway, it makes the system Panic, or otherwise function unpredictably.

Dyslexia and other information processing issues could also be explained this way, as they've been actually observed in real life. Cascade failures occurred in early hardware very often, resulting in incorrect letters being input or output, dropped letters, and, in instances where code was dependent on the letters as data, complete failures in both software and hardware, including Panic.

And again, that's pertaining to a normal "structure" with "abnormal" processing results. What I've covered so far does not cover what one might call traumatic errors: shorts, overheating, power surges, open circuitry, physical disturbance, the list goes on.

There's going to be more on this topic, especially since I also have asks on the physical side of Cybertronian biology that are just as interesting as this was!

The ask is open, if you want more!

[passionate-reply]

This week on Great Albums: a Great Album that your average rock critic would actually agree with me about! Find out how Kate Bush got her groove back with her fifth LP, Hounds of Love, and whether she ever came down from that hill. Full transcript below the break!

Welcome to Passionate Reply, and welcome to Great Albums! Ever since I first conceived the idea of Great Albums, I’ve always intended it to reflect nothing other than my own personal “canon”--not necessarily a list of albums that were influential, successful, or acclaimed by anybody’s standards but my own. But in this installment, I’m making a somewhat uncharacteristic move, and diving into an album that really doesn’t need me to advocate for it: Hounds of Love, by Kate Bush, often considered Bush’s greatest masterpiece--if not one of the greatest albums of all time.

Released in 1985, Hounds of Love was Bush’s fifth studio LP. Her career had started off surprisingly strong in 1977, with the release of her debut single “Wuthering Heights,” written when Bush was only 19 years old. With a high-concept theme, based around the titular novel by Emily Brontë, it would set the template for much of Bush’s subsequent career: irreverently eccentric, high-concept art-pop with the intensely personal passion of a singular singer-songwriter. But just how much patience for that sort of thing does the general public have, beyond letting the occasional “Wuthering Heights” through as a sort of novelty hit? Bush’s subsequent work in the early 1980s met with inconsistent reception, with her fourth LP, 1982’s The Dreaming, marking a particularly low point. The first album that Bush produced all by herself, The Dreaming took even more radical creative liberties, pushing her sound into increasingly experimental territory.

Music: “Get Out Of My House”

Following the fairly cold reception of The Dreaming, Bush took several years to produce her next album, but it would prove to be the one that redeemed her career, and arguably turned her into a bigger star than ever before. Hounds of Love managed to stay true to the core principles of the Bush aesthetic: moody and introspective, full of rich and complex narratives, as well as musical risk-taking. But it honed and refined that sound into something that was also remarkably pop.

Music: “Running Up That Hill”

“Running Up That Hill” was one of the biggest hits of Bush’s career, and arguably dethroned even “Wuthering Heights” as her signature song. I think the secret to its success is its ability to balance Bush’s experimental impulses with an intuitive, deep-felt emotional quality that makes her best work resonant in an accessible way. On paper, “Running Up That Hill” is as high-concept as anything else in Bush’s catalogue--a song about making a deal with God to swap sexes with your lover, and feel what life is like in another body? But at the same time, the song has an ability to “work” even if you don’t know all of that. Who hasn’t longed for a way to bargain with supernatural forces, for a chance at the impossible? There’s a certain applicability to its themes, which I think is a chief reason why it’s inspired so many covers and reimaginings over the years. But even when one listens to the original, the stately washes of digital synthesiser and the powerful conviction that propels Bush’s vocals make it easy to sympathize with. It feels grounded and physical, rooted in the most carnal aspect of the human body. Positioned as the opening track of the album, “Running Up That Hill” feels like an obvious lead single--in the best way possible. But it’s worth noting that not everything on the album is quite so radio-friendly.

Music: “Cloudbusting”

Perhaps one of Bush’s most compelling narratives, “Cloudbusting” is also, ostensibly, fairly high-concept, portraying a heavily fictionalized episode from the life of Wilhelm Reich. A controversial figure both in life and legacy, Reich is best remembered for his work in psychology, heavily influenced by the spectre of Sigmund Freud. But “Cloudbusting” focuses on his later-life fascination with the physical sciences, and his belief that a mystical energy called “orgone” was responsible for both human emotional woes as well as disturbances in the Earth’s atmosphere. Reich attempted to develop a machine that could manipulate this energy, and hence achieve the longtime dream of technological weather control, but there’s no evidence his “cloudbuster” really worked, or that there’s any such thing as “orgone.” But Bush’s “Cloudbusting,” and its accompanying music video, portray Reich as a tragic hero, silenced by government authorities who sought to destroy what they couldn’t understand, conflating his work with cloudbusters with his censure by the FDA for his questionable medical devices.

The song was inspired chiefly by the memoirs of Wilhelm Reich’s son, Peter, with Bush explicitly portraying Peter’s naive childhood perspective on his father, and that does allow for some substantial nuance here...but at some point we have to ask ourselves what responsibility an artist has to the truth. “Cloudbusting” is the musical equivalent of a film that’s “based on a true story,” and I see no reason why music can’t be just as capable of spreading misinformation as the Oscar-bait biopics of Hollywood. Just how accurate, or how beautiful, does a work of art need to be, for us to allow a bit of playing loose with the facts for the sake of a great story?

Setting aside these quandaries presented by its subject matter, “Cloudbusting” undoubtedly delivers musically. Across its sprawling runtime, it develops and earns a sense of grandeur, building from its infectious percussion and cresting with Bush’s fragile, but assertive prayer: “I just know that something good is going to happen.” If you listen closely to the percussion tracks on the album, you’ll notice that there’s no cymbal or high-hat utilized anywhere, which helps give the album its particular hazy, meandering ambiance.

That effect is perhaps even more pronounced on the second side of the album. Hounds of Love is divided quite sharply into two sides. The first side, also sub-titled Hounds of Love, opens with “Running Up That Hill,” and finishes with “Cloudbusting,” which serves as something of a bridge between the two, combining a singable hook and a pop-like verse-chorus structure with a taste for more visionary narrative. While the first side is home to all four of the album’s singles, the second side, sub-titled The Ninth Wave, strays much further away from the standard expectations of pop.

Music: “Under Ice”

Going by the tracklisting, there are seven tracks that make up *The Ninth Wave,* though their smooth transitions and willful defiance of verse/chorus structure create a seamless oratorio or song cycle feel, not unlike many of the great “album sides” of the prog tradition. The Ninth Wave also departs from the feel of the first side in its instrumentation. While the Hounds of Love side has its fair share of exotic instruments, such as a balalaika on “Running Up That Hill” and a didgeridoo on “Cloudbusting,” The Ninth Wave is more richly baroque, with elements like that jarring violin on “Under Ice.” As it progresses, the breadth of timbres increases, climaxing in the Celtic-inspired “Jig of Life.”

Music: “Jig of Life”

The explosion of folkish, backward-looking sounds of “Jig of Life” and “Hello World,” with their fiddles, whistles, and full choir, represent its protagonist’s return to the realm of the living, after the trauma represented by earlier tracks like “Under Ice.” The abstract, though affecting, narrative presented by The Ninth Wave seems to be a tale of death and rebirth, with a narrator who drowns themselves, only to be reborn--whether literally revived from a failed suicide attempt, or metaphysically reincarnated after a passage through the realm of the dead.

Much more has been written about the themes of *The Ninth Wave* than I’m getting into here, but suffice it to say that many people consider it the relative highlight of the album. But I think it’s worth questioning that a little bit, and taking the time to look at Hounds of Love a bit more holistically. Just because the first side is a bit less overtly experimental doesn’t mean it doesn’t have just as much to offer, artistically, or that it isn’t a part of what makes this album truly great. At the end of the day, I think we can probably agree that far fewer people would have ever heard The Ninth Wave if it weren’t for those more accessible singles on side one, moving copies of the record and adding to Bush’s widespread acclaim. Without “Running Up That Hill,” Hounds of Love might have gone down in history as a fairly niche cult classic like The Dreaming, instead of the era-defining album that it got to become.

On the cover of Hounds of Love, we see an image of Bush reclining and embracing two dogs--who were, in fact, her own pets. The image’s saturation in purplish pink and Bush’s perhaps sultry expression combine to create an impression of traditional femininity, which resonates with the album’s themes of gender and sensuality. Framed in by large white borders, we might read the composition of the cover as evocative of a personal locket or memento, a sort of furtive glimpse into Bush’s more private or intimate essence, fitting for the introspective and emotional focus of much of the music. This “framing” is perhaps also evocative of the idea of the domestic sphere of life--and hence, again, of femininity.

While the title track of the album portrays the “hounds of love” as figures of menace, who are said to “chase” after its narrator, the submissive and comfortable-looking canines portrayed in the cover art seem like a foil to that idea. In the history of European art, dogs are often used as symbols of fidelity, particularly in the context of romance. Titian’s Venus of Urbino, painted in the 1530s, is often considered the progenitor of the Western “nude” as an archetype. Alongside the titular goddess, paragon of eroticism and the feminine, the painter has also included a lapdog, peacefully dozing beside her. It’s tempting to see the composition of the cover of Hounds of Love as doing something similar, invoking confident sensuality alongside a symbol of faithfulness to portray the essence of idealized love.

After the release of Hounds of Love, Bush would once again take several years to produce her next LP, 1989’s The Sensual World. More closely related to The Ninth Wave than the A-side of Hounds of Love, it was nonetheless another commercial and mainstream success for the artist.

Music: “The Sensual World”

From the mid-90s to the mid-00s, Bush took an extended hiatus from music, focusing instead on her family and her personal life. Despite uncertainty surrounding the future of her career, she would eventually return to the public spotlight in the 21st Century, and remains active, if somewhat intermittently, to the present day. At this point, it’s safe to say that Bush has a fairly enviable position, having lived long enough to become a cultural institution, and able to bask in the cult following her unmistakable and distinctive work has earned her. For as much as I’ve praised the more commercial side of Hounds of Love in this piece, I still believe in the power of the truly unfettered creative soul, and I’m still happy for Bush that she’s achieved that kind of freedom.

My favourite track from either side of Hounds of Love would have to be “The Big Sky.” In the context of the album, it stands out for its rousing, triumphant crescendo of energy--a marked difference from the languid, introspective sensibility that dominates most of the material. And it manages that without bringing the cymbals back, either! Thematically, its emphasis on weather and the sky prefigures that of “Cloudbusting,” perhaps providing a more hopeful and naive vision of what weather can do, which resists being “clouded” by political drama. That’s all I have for today--as always, thank you all for listening!

Music: “The Big Sky”

[orionsangel86]

“I Think It’s Time For Me To Move On”

...And Other Things That Have Destroyed Me This Weekend...

So there is this common trope within love stories which generally happens at the end of the second act in which everything goes wrong and we all think that the lovers are doomed to failure. Its pretty much standard in every Jane Austen novel, every romantic film every made, every single bloody love story. Go ahead, name one. I guarantee you the break up moment is there.

Within the epic love story of Dean and Cas, there have been many break up moments, and all have had their emotionally devastating impact on the relationship and the show...

But THIS was a different level. 

(For a nice summary of Destiel break up moments and understanding of this trope, @tinkdw​ wrote about it here.)

I didn’t think that there would be another moment within Dean and Cas’s relationship that could hit me this hard. The mixtape in 12x19, the wrapping of Cas’s body in 13x01, and the return of Cas in 13x05 are moments that I consider to be the very top of the scale in making this pairing undeniably romantic. Moments that pushed it beyond a platonic interpretation. These three moments have been the things I cling to when the show has otherwise made me doubt any conclusion to the DeanCas story, and since there hasn’t been another one of those moments since 13x05, until now I have been somewhat nervous that the story was dropped, or being forced back behind a platonic screen. 

15x03 has ripped that screen away. 

Emotional meta under cut...

This entire episode was an emotion fuelled dramatic roller-coaster that killed off three characters including our beloved witch queen in a scene that almost stole the show and practically canonised the SamWitch ship. Rowena’s death should have been by far the most torturous moment for viewers to endure, and it was extremely torturous and had me sobbing on a plane 3 hours into a 7 hour flight. That incredibly heartfelt moment between Sam and Rowena will probably go down as one of the top tear-jerking moments on this show. It was tragic in the best way - the way Supernatural is famous for.

But lets not gloss over the fact that in an episode where THAT should have been the climax, where THAT should have been the emotional highlight and end point, instead we get a further MORE dramatic stand off between Dean and Cas that pulled focus and ripped all of our hearts out just as violently as poor Ketch in the first act (a very clever and smug piece of meta foreshadowing there Mr Berens).

On a meta level, this is HUGE as a writing choice because they MUST know how this looks. This was the climax of the third episode of the finale season. The way Supernatural has always structured itself since Carver era is that the first three mytharc episodes of each season establish the direction of the story and set the foundations for the character level focal points and dramatic key notes to come. 

That the writers have chosen to end the foundation episodes with a DeanCas break up moment that was more dramatic than a Spanish Telenovela has just stunned me and left me reeling because I just can’t see how else this can go. This break up scene absolutely DEMANDS a huge reconciliation of the sort that will be part of the A plot of the season - the FINAL SEASON. Guys. Part of the reason I have been so quiet and so disillusioned with the show during late season 13 and season 14 was because they pushed any Destiel plot into non existent territory - it became kinda irrelevant and Dean and Cas just acted like friends (homoerotic friends yes, and sometimes like an old married couple, but it was mostly played as an afterthought imo), so for this to suddenly be brought to the forefront of the emotional story again is excellent news for us. 

The thing is, like with those huge moments I listed above, the break up scene is basically undeniably romantic when you break it down to its components:

1. It’s only Dean and Cas. 

Once again we have another scene of high stake emotions that excludes Sam. In a platonic reading of the show, it makes zero sense for there to be such a hugely disjointed relationship between Cas and Dean and Cas and Sam given he has known them both for so long now that if they were all “just friends” then surely Sam would also feel the impact of Cas’s choices as heavily as Dean. In a platonic reading, Dean comes across as an asshole, Sam comes across as being weirdly uncaring about his friend of 10 years, and Cas comes across as not even bothering to get Sam’s opinion before leaving. A romantic reading makes sense because quite literally THIS IS A ROMANTIC BREAK UP.

2. The words spoken. 

“Well I don’t think there is anything left to say.”

“I think it’s time for me to move on”

From Cas’s perspective at least, name one time in a piece of media where such language has been used for a platonic breakup sincerely? There have been heartfelt break up songs that use these exact words. (I should know I’ve spent the last 24 hours listening to them all).

That last line in particular is so heavy. It’s the last line of the episode and nothing about it is platonic. This is relationship terminology my dudes. “I need to move on, and get over you.” This is Cas’s bloody Adele song. My heart breaks for him, but if I was his sassy and fabulous best girlfriend right now I’d be sitting him down, sipping a cocktail, flipping my hair and telling him “Babe, you’re too good for him. Good Riddance. Let’s go out, have some cocktails, something pink and fruity. No dive bars for us darling. I’ll take you to Heaven... the fun one in London.”

In all seriousness though, from Cas’s perspective, this was him admitting defeat and giving up the fight for love. How anyone can possibly say Cas isn’t in love with Dean after this, well I just don’t know what show you are watching. This is the face of a heartbroken man who has just accepted that his love is unrequited. 

3. The many faces of Dean Winchester

On the other end of the scale, Dean was mostly silent after his poisonous words “And why does that something always seem to be you?”

Forgive the terrible gif quality I’ve no time for fancy gif work!

Look at his face here. He knows what he said was fucked up and he immediately regrets it. The way he swallows around that regret and then turns away.

and after Cas says that devastating final line and walks away? We get THIS reaction from him:

The jaw clench as he looks down. The sorrow on his face as he realises he has well and truly fucked this up. LOOK

Finally, he looks up, makes himself look up and watch Cas leave. If that isn’t the face of a broken man I dunno what to tell you. Anyone who thinks Dean is totally heartless and uncaring right now needs to reassess because this is NOT the face of someone uncaring. This is the face of someone who has just lost everything. Again. 

4. The FUCKING MUSIC

Seriously. The sweeping heavy drama of the low strings that come in right after Dean says that horrid line, that carry the weight of the look of horror and heartbreak on Cas’s face as they amplify the emotion there. As they blend seamlessly into the slow and subtle version of the Winchester family theme behind Cas’s heartbreaking speech and Dean’s stubborn stoic face hiding a multitude of emotion, until the violin dominates as Cas says “I think it’s time for me to move on” and the Winchester Theme swells to its climax, ripping all our hearts out just like poor Ketch as Dean watches Cas walk out of his life surrounded by darkness. 

I MEAN.

A friend on Twitter reminded us all of this point about the importance of this theme via @justanotheridijiton​ here which is essentially:

“The Winchester theme is not simply an aural marker to let the audience know when and how Sam and Dean love each other (any Supernatural fan knows that is the baseline of their relationship), but to provide narrative information, especially when the image and dialogue are incomplete or inconsistent with the true situation...  Seasoned fans will recognize the theme and its history of being paired with images indicating deep emotional bonding and a desire to do the right thing by the Winchester code. Here we trust our ears over our eyes to reveal the truth.”

So here is yet another key indicator that any surface read that this is actually an ending between Dean and Cas and that Dean really is just an angry asshole is utter bullshit. 

Honestly, this was PAINFUL, but it was painful in the best way. It was 13x01 levels of pain, but this time it was Cas choosing to walk away which makes all the difference. Dean’s greatest fear isn’t his loved ones dying on him after all, but of his loved ones choosing to leave him. This was exactly the kick up the ass Dean needs in order to win Cas back, classic love trope style. 

Hence my excitement at what is to come. Yes we won’t see Cas again until 15x06, but in the meantime I fully expect a good helping of angst and wallowing from a depressed Dean who has to deal with the fact that he has just lost the love of his life and it is all his fault. That he just pushed away the one person who promised they would always stay by his side. That has got to hurt. 

So yeah, this episode emotionally destroyed me, and I’ve only really covered the primary reason, let alone all my feels over SamWitch, Rowena’s death, Belphegor’s taunting of Cas over his deepest fears and then having to suffer through smiting a creature wearing the face of his son until his body was nothing but a burnt corpse... I wonder if Bobo had a bet going in the office over how much he could hurt us all? He was certainly enjoying scrolling through the Supernatural tag on Twitter and liking everyone’s reaction tweets including some brilliant Destiel related ones. I do love Bobo. Our Angst Goblin King. 

If anyone had asked me a few weeks ago what my thoughts were on the chances of getting explicit canon Destiel by series end, I would have said somewhere in the realms of 30-40%, considering it a battle of wills between DabbBerens and CW studio execs who I still feel are against it in general. I would have considered everything that happened after 13x06 as the writers getting a big NO on Destiel from the network and therefore having to pull back on any Destiel related plot points (purely my own speculation on BTS matters of course).

Now I am wondering if Dabb kept fighting the network? If he managed to wear them down into begrudging acceptance? I’m currently up to around an 80% chance of textual canon DeanCas if we continue on this path. If Dean is clearly shown to be mourning and hating himself over Cas next episode, and if this DeanCas dramatic plot line continues to be a focal point of the emotional story arcs... well...

I’m side eyeing 15x07 a lot right now. Only in my wildest dreams would I think that they might actually introduce an old boyfriend for Dean in a “coming out” episode, but the placement, timing, and potential is all there and I’m kind of once again donning the clown mask because I’m just in awe at everything that they are doing. I guess we’ll find out soon enough. In the meantime, I’m gonna paint my face in red and white and wear my rainbow wig and listen to break up songs on Spotify whilst trying to shove my heart back into my chest where Bobo Beren’s gleefully ripped it out with his hands like the demonic angst goblin he is. Wish me luck, I’m not sure I’m gonna get through this season with my emotions intact.

[cynthiaandsamus]

Bulbamun’s Top Ten Simpsons Episodes!

So now that my new smart tv has Disney+ on it I’ve been watching a lot of Simpsons lately and started thinking about just what are my favorites, this is by no means a definitive list, I may change my mind immediately after posting this but I do tend to hover around the same era when I watch and I just thought about which ones I keep coming back to or otherwise stick with me

10. Round Springfield

So this one fucking makes me cry every time, I don’t watch it as much as I have most of the others on this list but watching Bleeding Gums Murphy die and leave Lisa so distraught always gets me, they do the crazy James Earl Jones cloud ending and it never fails to have me in tears by the end. Also Bart’s small character arc with Lisa believing he’s telling the truth when he wrecks his appendix leading into the end is a very nice touch (and is something that happens in reverse later on in the list).

9. Lemon of Troy

On the other end of things, Lemon of Troy just always makes me feel kind of good, it’s really funny, there’s so many subversion gags that work really well and it’s a neat little adventure story that changes the setting up a bit. Shelbyville is mentioned a lot in various episodes so it’s neat to just go there and see the people are just as weird and freaky as in Springfield despite Shelbyville always seeming to be the better option in most conversations. Also, lemon-shaped rocks.

8. Homer Badman

So this is here for a couple reasons, first of all the Candy Expo in the beginning is an amazing setpiece and I love all the gags they get out of all the crazy candy convention shenanigans. And then the episode just kind of pivots and we get a pretty dire take on media sensationalism that just gets more and more relevant every year. It’s a weirdly nuanced take too since none of the original parties are particularly at fault since they both don’t have the full story but they get swept up into a media whirlwind. (Though the more I think about it, Homer DID still technically grab the girl’s butt even if it wasn’t intended as sexual harrassment there’s still a case to be made that he did do it, but she seems fine to drop it after finding out about Gummi Venus De Milo so I guess it’s okay)

7. Lisa’s Substitute

This is the other episode that never fails to make me cry, like every time I watch this episode I end up having a huge headache from crying so much. This one admittedly relies a lot on its ending and isn’t quite as funny or touching throughout but what an ending, everything from the train scene and Lisa getting the note to how the family wraps up at home and Homer proves he can be a good parent in his own way while relating to all three of his kids on various levels, it’s just really great.

6. Homer the Heretic

So this one is on the list for its atmosphere (and it won’t be the last one) I really freaking love how it sells the lazy Sunday morning feel in the first half, how Homer crafts a fun day off for himself with all these silly little events and snacks and such (which is also how I spend my days off so it probably hit a little close to home). The religious commentary is pretty good too, Lisa the Skeptic was very close to making the list for how it handled respecting people’s faith even when you don’t share it but I kinda like how oddly inclusive this message is for a show that’s usually pretty Protestant-focused, it kind of gets to a message about the intention of faith being more important than the dogma, but also that something like church can still have value.

5. Bart on the Road

This one and the next one are more atmosphere pieces, admittedly the vaporwave meme may have influenced my opinion on this a bit but I find myself coming back to this episode a lot just for the breezy attitude it has about the whole road trip aesthetic and how well Bart organizes this thing on the fly even though none of them have any idea what they’re doing, plus Nelson and Martin are always good to drag along together (see Lemon of Troy) and Lisa’s subplot about connecting with Homer and that being the final test that connects it to the resolution of Bart’s plot I always thought was really cute.

4. Bart’s Comet

Like I said, this is another atmosphere pick. The parts of this one that always get me are the beginning when Bart’s getting up at 4am and everything’s so quiet and still and the day hasn’t really started yet, and then the quiet anxiety that hangs over the town as their waiting for the comet to come crashing down (which if I remember high school earth science it’s not a comet if it enters the atmosphere but whatever). It’s got some really funny jokes and a variety of townspeople to play off each other and a really sweet and poignant ending with Flanders but the early morning scenes and the apocalyptic dread are my favorites here.

3. Bart Sells his Soul

I guess I’m a sucker for the theological/philosophical episodes of classic Simpsons because I love this episode. Just like in an inverse of Round Springfield, this one wraps up with Lisa giving Bart something that solves his grief, and her point about Bart earning his soul through desperation and effort and prayer is really touching. The Moe stuff for the B-plot is really cute and I like the setting of turning Moe’s into a TGI Fridays type deal, plus the oddly heartbreaking scenes of Bart walking around feeling like something is missing, it’s all really good and wraps up in a surprisingly touching way.

2. One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish

I feel like nobody talks about this episode as much as they should. Like it’s an episode about Homer Simpson facing his mortality and how that cuts to the core of his relationships with literally everyone in his life. It strips him bare and makes him thoughtful and introspective in a way we don’t really get to see while we take a quick jaunt through all his connections he’s made with the people closest to him. The scene of Homer mustering up all his dignity and listening to The Bible on tape and waiting to die really kinda touches me, I remember first seeing it as a kid and wondering what was going to happen, I knew they couldn’t kill Homer but part of that moment really sold it in a way I wasn’t expecting and approached mortality in a way that few others that use this stock plot do.

1. 22 Short Films About Springfield

Okay, Steamed Hams, you know it, I know it, Steamed Hams is one of the funniest things The Simpsons has ever done, but the whole episode is pretty great. The fact that it doesn’t have a central plot means that it can basically just be a gag factory and get a ton of variety, sweeping around the whole town and just punching in joke after joke of varying types. And despite its name and structure, it doesn’t feel like they’re isolated vignettes, it does feel like they’re going places since the shorts are decently tied together with good visual segues and some plots that continue throughout like Lisa’s hair story. Aside from the Cletus story and maybe a couple others there aren’t any hard cuts that divide one of the stories from another and it’s just really funny. Seems kind of weird to put all the touching and memorable episodes on the list and then top it off with a nonsense collection of hilarious gags but here we are.

[yinyangswings]

Love & Legends Shifter AU

So I thought about the Dinae in the Love & Legends universe (have not read tales of the wild yet), but thought about what would happen if MC could transform into an animal. So I made my Shifter headcanon list.

General

They call themselves shifters. They do not know how they arrived to Earth, though MC later thinks that it may have been the Dinae that came to Earth at some point in similar circumstances as she did.

Shifters have evolved to remain as hidden as possible on Earth, due to the lack of magic known by humans. They do not showcase any features of their animal side. 

They can partially shift which makes them look the closest to the Dinae, though they usually don’t. 

While there are other mythological beasts/creatures on Earth such as vampires, werewolves, etc., shifters still keep themselves as much of a secret as possible. Technically they are were-creatures in this world, though they don’t like to admit it.

Due to the decades and centuries of separation, Shifters from Earth can be considered a different species than the Dinae in the Fantasy Realm

Shifters tend to stay in packs of similar species though packs of different species are not unheard of. 

Their clothes do not shift with them, so depending on the size, they either have to make sure they grab their discarded clothes, or have a spare set somewhere. 

Being stressed can affect their ability to shift. If they’re in animal form and they grow stressed they can’t shift back, if they’re in their human look form they can’t shift into animal form. In other cases the stress will make the shifter change randomly

August Falke 

MC can shift into a falcon. She enjoys flying, and feeling the wind through her feathers and did it plenty of times in Chicago as it wasn’t completely unheard of to see a falcon in the city.

When partially shifted, she gains wings on her back. She rarely does so due to the fact it normally ruins her shirts, until Solaire outfits her shirts with openings for the wings

She has severe anxiety when being caged, or in closed off spaces that have no obvious windows. 

She only manages to stay relatively calm the first time she’s thrown in the cells because she’s confused as hell as to what’s going on. 

She almost has a panic attack when Alain kidnaps her the first time and practically has one when he attempts to take her again. The Ice Crystal incident is what finally invokes a particularly severe fight or flight instinct mode due to stress and confusion. 

When she is thrown into the cells a second time, she does have a panic attack but forces herself to not transform, knowing full well it would make things worse.

She reveals she’s a shifter to the others in the middle of Season 2. 

August is stunned and asks several questions, mostly concerned about her relative safety from the generals and the WQ as he can’t exactly protect her in the air

She normally shifts to fly ahead to make sure everything is safe. She’s careful and vigilant about Jinhai due to his affinity with controlling animals. 

As August gets used to her shifting, he winds up forgetting that it’s strange to call a falcon ‘my love’.

It leads to quite the interesting conversation with his father when Bayard sees August arguing with MC in falcon form. 

August enjoys preening her feathers when she’s in falcon form and she’s just resting on his shoulder. It has a calming effect for the both of them, especially when the stresses of the WQ and the war becomes more and more prominent. 

Similarly, he can run his fingers through the wings on her back when she’s partially shifted.  

MC will also preen his hair, though it usually winds up looking more and more like a mess than anything

August finds out that MC’s bone structure is more fragile than his. He has to try and figure out armor that will protect her, but is not heavy enough to do more damage if she does get hit.

MC makes a charm using one of her feathers for him. He wears it with pride, and cherishes it. If she has to fly for recon or anything in that manner, he’s normally seen clutching the charm. 

When MC is sent back to Chicago and sees him in her dreams, he is clinging to the charm almost like a lifeline. 

She’s a lightweight when she’s drinking and shifts when she gets drunk with Solaire. August is awoken to a very inebriated falcon careening into his room. She thankfully shifts back before ranting at August and passing out. 

This is the first time she partially transforms back in front of August. He does tease her slightly when she wakes up, commenting that when she’s embarrassed, her feathers on her wings ruffle up.

Having to try and find her clothes the next day and August having to explain why there are random female clothing in the bushes is both amusing and embarrassing.

The WQ’s curse begins to affect her ability to fly. She decides to not shift until it's fixed, and finds herself staring up at the sky a lot during those days, wishing to fly but unable to.

When August stabs her in the chest with Aisetha, she loses the connection to the Shifter side temporarily. It’s quite the blow for both of them, though MC is quicker to recover than August, who feels immensely guilty at the idea of her losing an integral part of herself. 

She tells him she’s alive, and that’s all that matters because they can stay together.

She regains the connection with it in Season 8 and shifts and takes flight for the first time when they return from Chicago.

When she shifts back, she shifts in mid-air and lands in August’s arms, excitedly claiming that she can still fly. August doesn’t need to hold onto the guilt. Both are crying out of relief and no one really comments or teases them about it.

When they discuss children, August worries that him being human may harm them. MC is quick to tell that either a child will be a shifter or won’t be, there won’t be one that is half. 

When MC meets Revi, she’s thrown off because she’s never seen a shifter with ears and a tail out in the open for long periods of time. 

She’s also not used to nudity or such little clothing on a daily basis. No, August. Shifters from Earth don’t look like that. For god’s sake, they’d have been arrested for public indecency.

The Falke family find it funny when both Della and August visit at the same time. August and Della not as much. Mostly because they both get teased for both falling in love with women who can shift into an animal.

Saerys 

MC can shift into a Panther.

Her partial shift is her claws, teeth, and eyes changing

She shifts the first time when Lennox forces Saerys into turbo mode. Lennox is quite stunned, as are the others when a furious she-Panther appears and nearly kills Lennox and the other Generals. 

She has to stay in panther mode as she accidentally destroys her clothes shifting. Initially August insists she returns to human mode until she shifts back in annoyance and is completely nude. Cue a stammering and blushing August and the other retainers who can’t so much as look in her direction. 

They find her cloak so she’s able to transform back before returning to the castle, but she can’t really move without revealing everything, so she has to sit on Wyndsor when heading inside. 

She explains that it’s not normal on Earth, and while she says it’s possible, she has yet to meet another Shifter. 

She’s surprised to find out about the Dinae in this world. 

Her and Saerys bond over this, which makes them closer a lot quicker.

When she is in WQ’s castle, Lennox and Jinhai attempt to control her beast side. It results in several black eyes, and scratch marks. 

For a little while after Saerys gives her half of his soul, she can’t transform. She initially thinks that she lost that part when she died, but it winds up being that the demon side and a small part of the shifter side had to merge together and become a separate entity to the WQ soul.

Saerys is seen many times in the library with a purring jaguar on his lap. She really likes his heat and curls up to him a lot. She also purrs, which is embarrassing for her, but Saerys loves it.

The jaguar side considers him her mate pretty early on (like Season 1), and is protective of him. 

When the jaguar consciousness returns, Saerys literally feels the jaguar almost stalking around his mind, taking him in. It’s quite nerve-wracking at first, but he gets used to it quickly. MC is nervous at first, worried he’ll be put off by it. 

He reassures her over and over again that would never happen. 

Altea manages to figure out how to make a beam of light move around. They cannot get enough of playing with MC in her shifter form. So much chaos ensues because of that. 

It’s all fun until Altea and Iseul point the light on Saerys’s chest and all of a sudden Saerys has an 150 pound Jaguar tackling him. 

When Saerys goes into Demon God mode and if she shifts, her teeth and claws are longer, her fur is wilder looking, and her eyes glow red.

The Jaguar side and the Demon souls argue like an old married couple, which is both amusing and exhausting for MC and Saerys

Saerys wonders what children that are half-shifter/half-demon could be. MC is curious too but actually somewhat excited at the prospect whenever that happens.

Altea Bellerose 

MC can shift into a raven.

She has black wings when she partially shifts and her tendency to try to look for sparkly things is more severe

Cue MC’s inner panic when Altea starts calling her ‘my raven’ 

Because crap maybe Altea can sense that there’s another part of her and wouldn’t that make them all suspicious of her. 

She barely manages to not shift due to that.

She reveals what she is in the beginning of Season 2 to Altea, who in turn begins to do as much research about shifters as possible. 

They let the others know after Altea researches enough to know about MC and that her shifting is not a trick by WQ

Altea enlists MC to play a prank on Iseul by having MC shift and fly up to Isuel’s room. MC awakens Iseul quite abruptly by cawing and making loud noises. Iseul is not a happy camper, though Altea finds it hilarious. 

Similar to August, this MC’s bone structure is more fragile due to being hollow for shifting into a bird. This causes her to worry constantly when MC takes up a sword to fight with.

Her worst fear comes true when MC is badly injured protecting Altea in her raven form and one of her wings and several of her ribs are broken. Altea is practically beside herself with worry and guilt as MC recovers. It is not known for a while whether or not MC will ever be able to fly again, leading to some stress between them.

Thankfully, MC recovers enough and takes to the skies again, Altea being incredibly relieved that she can still fly.

She also dives into defensive magic because she can’t go through that again

When Altea gains her own wings, the two go on flying dates. A lot. 

On land, if MC changes into raven form, she sits on Altea’s shoulder, making happy raven sounds whenever Altea gives her attention.

Boy does she love it when Altea preens her feathers

She begins to unknowingly court Altea by hiding glittery and shiny objects around their room for Altea to find. She doesn’t initially notice it, and it isn’t until Altea comments about finding another shiny bauble on her pillow that MC figures out what is going on. 

She is blushing so much and refuses to look Altea in the eye for a few hours. She doesn’t tell Altea for a while afterwards because she’s embarrassed. 

When Altea figures it out, she blushes and is grinning like an idiot as she wanders aimlessly around the castle. It’s very concerning to the other retainers. 

Altea makes her intentions known as well by giving MC a very shiny, sparkly ring. 

MC stares at it for a few seconds before her face lights up and she transforms into a very ecstatic raven. 

She accidentally transforms in front of Altea’s parents due to stress, and they are less than thrilled with their future daughter-in-law being a bird. 

Altea isn’t pleased that her parents call MC a crow. 

Lionel finds her fascinating, asking questions nonstop about being a shifter to the point MC can barely keep up. 

Reiner Wolfson

MC can shift into a wolf. Her pack resides in Chicago, though she is estranged from them due to her tolerating and residing among humans.

When she partially shifts, she gains ears and a tail. 

She shifts the first time in front of the others when they come to rescue her in the beginning to Season 2 and attacks Magnus.

When she transforms back, she’s unfortunately nude due to her clothes being damaged from the transformation. Reiner is stunned, but doesn’t really ask too much at that moment. He just covers her up with his cape and escapes until they can find her cloak.

When he does ask for more explanation, she explains that she didn’t hide being a shifter from him or the others because she didn’t trust them. She had been raised to hide it from everyone that it became second nature to hide it, even from him. 

The irony of her being able to shift into a wolf, and that she is with Reiner is not lost on anyone and the retainers do not have any problems teasing them about it.

It becomes common to see Reiner doing his rounds and a black wolf following closely behind.

He gives a lot of ear scratches when she’s shifted, which she rather enjoys.

Her sense of smell and hearing are greatly heightened even in human form.

She’s actually receptive to marrying Reiner. The wolf part of her already saw him as her mate, though she kept that little tidbit of information quiet when they started their relationship.

When she and Reiner are sent back to Chicago and are reunited, she has to work incredibly hard to not tell him anything about her being a shifter. 

It hurts a lot because she feels like she’s lying to him again. 

She partially shifts to reveal what she is, and though initially stunned and asking if this is some elaborate joke, just listens to her explanation. He takes to it rather quickly. It makes her fall in love with him even more

During this time, she is reunited with her original pack and dealing with the members of the pack, mainly her father. Though he is glad she is back, he is not happy with discovering her in a relationship with a human, even if he is from another realm. He orders her to cease contact with Reiner, which she refuses to do, resulting in MC fighting her father to protect Reiner when he finds out that she told Reiner about her being a shifter.

Though she succeeds in winning the match, she is formally ousted from the pack and disowned. She finds she’s not as upset as she thought she would be. 

Her mother defies the decree made by her father so she can say goodbye to her daughter, saying that she hopes she will find happiness with Reiner.

She does not tell Reiner for quite awhile afterwards being disowned by her family. It’s only after the WQ is defeated that she explains the events with her family

He feels guilty for a little bit about her losing her family, though she tells him that she would have lost them no matter what, and she considers him and the retainers a new pack. 

Nobles aren’t exactly thrilled with her bloodline and see her as a savage and treat her as such behind Reiner’s back. 

She keeps it relatively quiet from Reiner, unwilling to burden him with the gossip with everything going at that moment. He eventually finds out though and is less than thrilled about what the nobles are saying. 

Him and MC have a long talk about the nobles and the others and what has been said to her. He reminds her he fell in love with her, which means both parts of her. 

She sometimes wears her wedding ring around her neck on a long chord so that way she can wear it when she’s shifted.

Reiner wonders if her being a wolf might mean multiple children in a ‘litter’. MC assures him that it’s just as likely there will be a single child (as she was), as there could be multiple litter mates.

Iseul Idreis 

MC can shift into a fox. She does not have a pack in Chicago, though instinct makes her consider Sophie a pack member

She looks similar to Revi when she partially shifts, though she only has one tail. 

Iseul can sort of sense that there is something different about her, though he doesn’t know what. It makes him suspicious of her for a little while.

She reveals that she’s a shifter to Iseul in the beginning of Season 2. He wasn’t expecting that at all.

When going after Jinhai in her human form, his abilities cause her to have a paralyzing headache. Iseul is able to lessen the pain, though it is obvious that it still hurts her.

In fox form, Jinhai’s abilities are extremely painful and is like a sharp ringing in her head telling her to obey him. It takes the entirety of her human side to keep the shifter side from attacking the others. 

In contrast, with Iseul it feels like a wave of warmth easing the headache in an instant

Iseul is most reluctant to let her shift when doing recon because of Jinhai. He doesn’t know what he would do if she was returned to them under Jinhai’s control. He also doesn’t know (neither does she to be honest) if he would be able to tell if she was under Jinhai’s control

Ishara is suspicious of her, and Iseul initially doesn’t tell his mother about MC’s abilities. They tell her right before she gets injured.

MC is badly injured protecting the egg. A fox is not exactly a big creature and not a heavy hitter. Iseul is beside himself with worry when he finds her injured and barely conscious.

When she thinks Iseul is dead, she kind of just curls up into the blankets and makes a makeshift burrow. She is partially transformed through all this due to the stress and the tail is wrapped around her. It’s distressing for the other retainers to say the least. 

Only Solaire can get close to her and get her to eat or do anything remotely outside the room.

When Iseul returns she tries to keep away from him because hormones, her feelings, as well as the fox emotions are incredibly confusing and stressful and she’s worried about the baby's health because of it. Iseul has to use his abilities to calm the fox part down long enough to explain everything.

When finding out about what she is, MC wonders if WQ was a shifter or part of the Dinae. Magnus denies the possibility but she and Iseul can’t be too sure of the truth to his denials.

She’s actually reluctant to get the ultrasound because she doesn’t know what the baby will look like, though she still suggests it. Cue relief when they see a human, not a fox or some sort of hybrid.

Iseul and Ishara are at first unsure if the well would accept changing MC because of the animal part of her. Thankfully it proves to not be a worry.

She doesn’t know if Iris will be a shifter. Time will tell.

Helena Klein 

MC can shift into a bear.

When she partially shifts, nothing is entirely obvious that she has changed, but her strength and speed are greatly increased 

Though Helena can sense the shifter side, she initially thinks it’s just the WQ’s magic. MC doesn’t correct her

MC doesn’t reveal that she’s a shifter until nearly the end of Season 2.

It’s quite the shock for Helena to see a large bear taking the place of MC

Helena is just amazed at how much MC eats and manages to store without seemingly gaining weight. For one so tiny, she can eat quite a lot. 

MC loves cuddling. Which is great and all, until she nearly crushes Helena when rolling over in bear form.

MC snores...quite loudly. She did not know this until Helena is hitting her awake with a pillow after the second week of them sleeping in the same bed.

MC goes into short periods of ‘hibernation’ which usually lasts only a few days. It is fine and all given the bear part...but she neglects to tell anyone that, so right after a battle, she just crashes and falls unconscious. Cue to her waking up to a distraught Helena a few days later. She has to make it up for Helena a lot for that.

Afterwards Helena is observant to see signs that MC will be going into hibernation soon.

WQ gets attacked by a furious MC when she kills Alain and nearly dies because of it. WQ makes sure to avoid MC in bear form after that

When they return to Chicago, they make plans to get property away from the city so MC can lumber around as a bear without fear of a random passerby in the city

Alain Richter 

MC can shift into a black cat.

Partial transformation includes cat ears and tail. Yes there are many jokes during Halloween to be had.

Alain was well aware of her being a shifter as the WQ was one as well (though she was considered half Dinae), though that connection was not as strong as MC’s is.

When WQ rose to power she basically tore that part out of her, destroying it. 

MC witnesses that when they were children, Alain would carry her around in kitten-form when she was tired or upset. She starts doing that and he holds her in a similar fashion and states he’s missed this.

After initially escaping she stays in her cat form as much as she can so she can be lighter for Nyx to carry. 

Alain is incredibly protective of MC’s secret and doesn’t reveal the secret to anyone, not even the Generals prior to these events.

MC revealing this to the retainers and Reiner is a very tense moment for him.

She does purr when she’s curled up to Alain, which is mainly an instinctual thing. It is embarrassing for her, but Alain finds it cute.

She will do a lot of cat-like things, such as pushing things off of shelves and tables, staring at walls, etc.. She tries to keep it at a minimum when around the retainers initially.

Then they figure out the light trick. The retainers are amused, Alain is as well, though he tries to hide it.

When they are in Chicago, her and Sophie manage to convince him to hold her while spinning slowly in a chair, saying ‘I’ve been expecting you Mr. Bond’. Sophie records it

He doesn’t get why Sophie and MC are cackling after the whole thing.

When MC meets her other counterparts, she also meets their shifter sides, and is surprised to see that each one has a different animal form.

She also finds the broken spirit of the WQ’s cat form, and clutches it, apologizing over and over again. That part eventually merges with MC and becomes a part of her.

Her and Alain plan to have children. She does tell him she doesn’t know if she could get multiple in a litter or just one child. He doesn’t care, as long as the child is happy and healthy.

[arrivalation]

2020: An Account

This year has been a nonstop, off-the-rails bullet train ride into what looked at first like chaos, but ultimately was a tearing down and reconstruction of my entire being. Because I know myself and I know I won’t remember much of this later, I’m recording it here. It’s hard to put some of this information out, but the universe regularly urges me to be more open. So here I go.

January

I got married.

It was, without contest, the absolute best day of my life. I’ve known since I was real little that I wanted to be married, that I wanted to be loved the way M loves me and to love someone just as much. I don’t know how to explain the feeling of having achieved that, and being able to share that with my entire circle. @abyssalsun​ made it down!! (my only regret is that @ladyoriza​ couldn’t make it, but I’m still so glad we got to make it to theirs). As often as I can, I revisit the memory of going to @chromecutie​’s house afterward, thinking it’d just be the four of us there, and opening the door to find a whole impromptu surprise party happening. Everyone cheered for us when we came in. I played CAH with Mordred, my brother and his wife, and several friends from out of town. By all accounts, these people would never have been in the same room together, but they were, and it was transcendent. It’s been almost a year, and I still haven’t recovered from all the planning and stress; but now that I’m past it, I can say with relief that it was 100% worth it.

February

We bought a house.

Up until this point, I’d been planning a wedding, participating in house-buying stuff as best I could, interviewing for a job I ended up not taking, and dealing with life-long mental illness that was festering and reaching critical mass. But then stuff started wrapping up. The wedding happened. The house was ours. We moved in. I could finally fucking breathe. LMAO bitch you thought.

March

The pandemic reached us.

I guess by this point it had probably already been in the US for a couple months, idr. But it wasn’t until March that things really started happening. People started dying in droves. New cases spread like wildfire. I remember thinking that this would be the zombie apocalypse, because at this point, I don’t think the CDC knew much about the virus. In my anxious mind, that was a completely reasonable assumption. My boss had us all start working from home. We all thought it’d be just a couple weeks.

April

I settled into working from home.

It didn’t take me long to get used to it, maybe a week. I hadn’t yet gotten used to my new hour-long commute from the new house to work, and so working from home quickly became my new normal. But I didn’t know yet why working from home was so good for me. All I knew was that I now had the brain-space to process things. I had the energy to do yoga and cook and do hobbies, and the time to appreciate and care for the home I lived in. I could think more clearly because there was no one else around to distract me. There was sunlight I could bask in. I felt human for once, and that became vitally important and infinitely valuable to me. Despite that, I still struggled with extreme anxiety, panic attacks, and some of the worst depression I’ve suffered through since I was a teenager. Outside my house, everything was a fucking mess and no one had their shit together.

May

I went back to the office for a few weeks.

There was a lull in pandemic activity. My boss had us all start coming back to the office again. At this point, I couldn’t make heads or tails of reality anymore. Everything was changing, nothing was stable. I desperately needed to stay working from home, because that was the one thing that felt Good and Right, but I had no real argument other than, 'I just need to.' So imagine me, at this point a soggy, run-over sloppy joe, attempting to return to normal. As you might think, it was... bad. I cried and hurt all the time. I think I really freaked out my boss with the way I reacted to coming back to the office. But then the second wave hit, and we all went back to working from home again.

June

Uncle Mike died on the first day of the month.

My uncle had been sick for a while, but no one was expecting him to die so suddenly. None of us were ready for it.

I also died that day.

It might sound dramatic, but I mean it quite literally and honestly. Over the years, I had gained suspicion that I was on the autism spectrum. M graciously found me a psychiatrist that took my insurance (and happened to be right next door). I wasn’t even going in for that - I was seeking treatment for my anxiety and depression. But I had amassed a (very long) list of my symptoms, and I brought it with me and read it to my doctor. I wasn’t even a quarter of the way through the list when he stopped me. I’m paraphrasing here, but in effect, he said, “No, yeah, you’re definitely autistic.”

I remember the way my body felt. Like someone had detonated a bundle of TNT in my chest, and I was burning from the inside out. At the time, I didn’t realize this emotional immolation was purposeful and executed by the universe to get rid of this old structure and build a newer, better, stronger one. For about fifteen seconds after he said that, I was relieved that it had been that easy, that there was an explanation for everything that my ADHD didn’t explain. It made a ton of sense why my environment was so important to me. And then I felt something unnameable. It was obvious to my doctor that I was autistic. Had it been obvious to everyone else? Why hadn’t it been obvious to me? I read the rest of my symptoms to him in a daze. I don’t remember how the rest of the appointment went.

And then I burned quietly and ungracefully until I was a pile of ashes. I didn’t know this at the time, but apparently it’s common for newly-diagnosed autistic people to have such dramatic and painful reactions, especially if they weren’t well-informed on the condition. Which I wasn’t.

I started therapy.

I also started learning about my “flavor” of autism. It was arduous, embarrassing, isolating, and ugly. I became aware that I had been masking my whole life, and I was astounded by just how often I did so. What really crushed me was knowing that I’d always have to mask to protect myself. I also became hyper-aware of the things that made me Feel Bad. Inexplicably, I stopped being able to react to those things the way I used to. Previously, if something made a loud and unexpected sound, I would suppress my reaction, because it’s not cool to get mad about it. But I found I couldn’t do that anymore. I had no choice but to react the way I needed to react. I realize now that this was to make me aware of what things make me feel a certain way so I can either avoid them or learn better tools to deal with them.

The therapist I saw wasn’t specialized in autism, and she wasn’t any help in that area, but she did teach me some important things. Like, “Is it reasonable for me to feel ____?”

July

Black hole.

I don’t remember a whole lot from this month, except sifting my own ashes through my fingers and crying. Every day brought a new revelation, a new thing that clicked. All of it was helpful and very painful. My psychiatrist recommended medication, but I’d had a bad and long-lasting experience with medication as a teenager, so I suffered through the pain on my own.

I shouldn’t have. I got so low I didn’t want to be alive anymore. But I think it took reaching the bottom and feeling that much pain for me to get over my fear of pharmaceuticals. 

I got into astrology.

I had been interested in it for most of my life, but it wasn’t until this point that I started studying it in depth. I discovered it was a language that I could use to translate so many things about my own life that I didn’t understand. It was a rulebook in a time when I desperately needed rules - but one just flexible enough that it taught me how to stop thinking in binary.

August

I got medicated.

There was a big adjustment period, of course. It didn’t cure me. But it did start to make things easier. And it helped to know that, even if I didn’t believe it at the time, I deserved to rest. I deserved not to feel so much emotional pain all the time.

I turned 30.

It was easily the second best day of my life. I learned a lot of important things, like that it’s important to be present, that I’m seen and loved (just the way I am!!), and that I deserve good things. M planned a whole day of surprises:

I woke up at my leisure and we had coffee on the couch. He got me a cute card with one of our inside jokes inside - I still have it.

We went to our favorite combination lunch place and bakery, which I believe was our first real outing since the pandemic started.

We stopped by a tattoo place. I almost got a tattoo.

He set me loose in Texas Art Supply.

We got dim sum for dinner.

We had a lovely virtual cocktail hour with @chromecutie.

He bought me an ipad!!

I became Spiritual™.

I had been agnostic for the past decade or so, slowly and subtly slipping into nihilism, without realizing how detrimental those ideas were to me. I’m not sure what I thought spirituality was before, but I wasn’t into it. I had always rolled my eyes at people who talked about “a higher power”, auras, and spirit guides, until I became that person.

My psychiatrist introduced some powerful ideas to me, ones that meshed well with my previously-existing idea of how the universe worked. I won’t get into details here. That’s a whole other post. Ask me though - I’d love to talk about it.

Anyway, I started (intermittently) meditating. I learned some exceptionally powerful stuff. I felt my scaffolding being erected.

September

I started learning who I am and why I am this way.

I started seeing a new therapist. She thinks like me. She follows my erratic, forking trains of thought. She sees me and offers real, actionable feedback and solutions. Working with her, I’ve gained the ability to see my life from a 30,000-foot view. I can see now why I’ve felt so lonely my whole life. I understand how my family’s dysfunction has shaped me. I know now that I have the opposite of a victim complex - by default, I believe I am so awful that I feel sorry for everyone who has to deal with me. Because that’s what I was taught to believe. Learning that I deserve to take up space, set boundaries, say no, and be wrong sometimes is still a hard lesson for me. But most days, I believe it now. It takes other people believing it and convincing me. I still need that reassurance often.

My parents sold my childhood home.

Mentally, emotionally, I still lived there. I was still the inverted victim, still beholden to my stepdad’s whims and my mom’s complete cognitive dissonance. This was a blinking neon sign from the universe that it was time to move out. My mom told me when the closing date was so I’d have time to drive down and look at the house one last time. I didn’t go, and I still don’t regret it.

I started learning my boundaries.

After my spiritual move-out, I learned I don’t have to jump when my stepdad holds out the little circus hoop. When he otherwise shows zero interest in my life but still baits me with passive-aggressive texts, I don��t have to answer!! What a concept! I don’t have to feel guilty for not talking to my mom more than I do. We have very little in common, and I still have a lot of things to work through regarding her.

I learned how not to be so reactive.

Or rather, I’m still learning. Something else I learned in therapy is that over the course of my life, I’ve developed a desperate need to defend myself and to justify every action or thought I have, even to myself. It’d been especially troubling at work. My RSD led me to felt stupid, incompetent, and unseen daily; if my boss complimented someone, I believed it also meant he thought I was stupid and bad and wrong, otherwise he would have complimented me too. If my boss said something that even remotely sounded like I’d done something wrong, I’d race to build an impenetrable defense: “This is the reason I did that. Here’s my line of thinking. Do you understand? Can you please understand?”

Now I know that so little of what everything everyone says or does at work is about me. I can appreciate a coworker’s accomplishment and also realize it doesn’t take away anything from me. I’m not stupid or incompetent, and I’m a valuable part of the team. A lot of times, my boss and I are on two different wavelengths - that’s because I think a lot faster, which can be frustrating for him sometimes. He doesn’t fully understand me, but that doesn’t mean I’m doing anything wrong.

October

I let go of an old friend.

This was especially hard, because I had known this person for years. We’d gone through a lot together, and we’d shared some really important and emotional story plots and characters. I had agonized over whether I was truly important to her or not. It didn’t matter how much I loved her as a friend, or how badly I wanted us to be close again and remain close. I had learned to read the universe’s signs, and it was clear it was time to move on.

November

The election happened.

I was expecting things to turn out badly, but I still hoped for something good. And then something good did happen. I cried watching Harris’ speech. I felt a tenuous hope that things might finally start looking up, societally. I still haven’t really let myself fully embrace that hope, but every time I see a court shoot down another lawsuit, or hear about trump’s own conservative republican supporters tell him, “Okay, buddy, it’s time to step down,” I feel a little better. 

M and I went non-monogamous.

There’s so much I want to say about this, but it’s for another post. Suffice it to say that like every other experience this year, it has been unexpectedly challenging and ultimately a catalyst for  priceless growth. I’m unfathomably grateful that we’re doing this together, for the things we’ve learned so far, and for how much closer this experience has made us, even when I didn’t think we could get any closer. 

Turns out I’m not gray-ace.

I had identified as such for a couple years, which was why we wanted to try non-monogamy in the first place. On the surface, it perfectly explained my sexual personality. But every time I told someone my identity, I felt inexplicably sad. When I read about others having “normal” sex drives and “normal” relations with their spouses, I felt jealous.

Turns out I’m just traumatized, lol. Walking along this non-mono path has unearthed a lot of things, including this gem.

December

This was our first married christmas in our new house.

One of the handful of good things the pandemic has done for me was allowing me to back up my boundaries with hard evidence. It’s been difficult dealing with my stepdad bullying me about not coming over for thanksgiving, and having my mom subtly guilt me into making plans for next year already. But what I needed this year was a quiet holiday, instead of the usual weeks-long chaos, and I got it. And it was fucking delightful. I’ve dreamed of days exactly like that one - spending a tranquil morning with my spouse, sipping coffee and listening to music and eating treats. Deciding exactly how we want our holidays to be, because we deserve to.

I’m scared of what’s to come in the new year. I’m still an anxious mess, and some days I’m not strong enough to pull myself out of the spirals I throw myself into. I’ve gotten used to the pandemic holding my hand, allowing me to shelter in my home, helping me enforce my boundaries, teaching me who I am. When it’s over, I don’t know what will happen or how I’ll react or what I’ll learn next. I’m not finished rebuilding, but I don’t think that’s the point. I’ll never be fully rebuilt. But at least I’m figuring out the new layout.

[drshebloggo]

Ask box: JUSTICE FOR LANE KIM, a breakdown.

Anonymous asked: Do you know why Lane disappeared from the show as Rory's best friend over time? She appeared every now and then, yeah, but it has always bothered me that she slowly faded from being Rory's best friend to nobody... am I remembering things wrong?

I do not know! The Palladinos make decisions that sometimes are simply beyond my comprehension.

It’s been awhile since I watched Gilmore Girls in its entirety (and I kind of selectively ignore a lot in the last two, three seasons) but I don’t think you’re remembering things wrong. I will say, though, that the show faced a challenge with all of the Stars Hollow supporting ensemble when Rory went off to college. It’s these kind of problem-making focus shifts that I find really interesting, and they are UBIQUITOUS across teen/high school shows when a character or ensemble graduates.

Most of them that I can think of are done poorly, maybe with the exception of Friday Night Lights. But in defense of these shows, it’s HARD. How do you embrace a fundamental shift in the entire premise of your show? How do you deal with the new geographies of this shift, and the way they ripple into beloved character dynamics? How do you evolve a character through an engaging and meaningful arc without abandoning the foundation on which they were built? And how do you still capture your audience’s attention when there’s a risk that you’re leaving behind the magic that captivated them in the first place? IT’S HARD.

So in the case of Gilmore Girls, Rory at Yale is the shift that moves the show into a new paradigm, and it’s a big one. She’s separated from Stars Hollow and slowly beginning her emancipation from Lorelai, which is, on principle, painful for the audience because it’s directly against the show’s premise. (It’s no coincidence that the Palladinos starts seriously building the Luke-and-Lorelai-of-it-all once Rory’s away at college. Give that empty-nester some new story!)

Of course, Lane is right behind Lorelai in the list of People in Stars Hollow that Rory is Leaving Behind. How is Lane supposed to stay a part of Rory’s story when Rory is in a new context, and Lane is not? But, truth be told, Lane was ALREADY in this role. In seasons 1-3, LANE, not Lorelai, was #1 on the list of People in Stars Hollow that Rory is Leaving Behind. Ultimately Gilmore Girls is a story of two worlds, and Rory going to Chilton begins her passage across the into the New (Old, with Baggage) World. Lane is already being left behind, to some degree, and in seasons 1-3, there’s still room in the show’s universe to address those issues and give Lane some good storylines of her own, especially in conjunction with Rory.

So it’s possible that the issue is not necessarily one of screentime or setting. Whenever I hear the rebel cry of JUSTICE FOR LANE KIM resound in my heart chambers, I mostly think of the kinds of storylines that befell her in the later seasons, not simply in their detachment from Rory. Heeding her mom’s insistence that she attend Seventh Day Adventist college. Fracturing her relationship with her mom in order to pursue her dreams. Getting kicked out of her home. Living with her two boy bandmates who are very stupid and very messy. Never really getting the band off the ground. Her first sexual experience being terrible. Her first sexual experience being terrible AND yielding a pregnancy with TWINS. Why do the Palladinos hate Lane Kim!!! The only thing I wholeheartedly love about Lane’s later storylines is Luke hiring her to work at the diner and then being completely overwhelmed by her sheer competence.

It’s probably important to note that the mere construction of Lane Kim’s character is a bit tragic. The Palladinos are VERY good at building conflict and tension into what seems like simple character descriptions. Here’s this girl that loves rock music to an obsessive, encyclopedic level, wants to play drums in a band, and she’s from a strict religious household where she can’t express any of that. The description itself inherently means that things are going to blow up for Lane at some point. That’s okay, to some degree - that’s conflict, that’s drama, that’s good story.

So if we look at Lane’s arc pre-blow-up, and post-blow-up, the satisfying thing would be for Lane to experience some kind of happiness or success living unstifled in her dreams, to offset the trauma that her family relationships are ruined (at least for the time being). But the Palladinos don’t even do that! It’s encapsulated in the incident that tears apart Lane’s relationship with her mom: she goes to play at CBGB, her mom finds out and kicks her out, and the band doesn’t even get to go on!! The Palladinos love PAIN.

And okay, fine, there’s still some defense that that is well-designed drama and story. (And Lane and her mom do reconcile eventually, and it was at least very affecting, from my memory.) I guess you could argue that Lane IS happy with how things turned out after the lifelong lie she’s lived completely unravels and she’s able to just exist, unguarded. But also... the Palladinos wrote her that way??? And regardless, for me, the issues arise more down the line with Lane essentially staying in Stars Hollow. Wouldn’t unshackling herself from the yoke of her mother mean that she’s free to pursue her dreams? And wouldn’t pursuing her dreams necessitate her to ALSO leave Stars Hollow, like Rory herself? Would she not try to scrape together money to move with the band to New York City and hit the big time? (Bear in mind, I have no idea how the music industry works.)

Ultimately, Lane’s story in the later seasons puts the writers in a Catch-22. If she leaves Stars Hollow and goes somewhere else to pursue her dreams, she’s almost certainly written off the show. She’s a supporting character, and they can’t open up a new world beyond Stars Hollow and New Haven, just for her. On the other hand, if she stays in Stars Hollow, in keeping with the geographies of the universe, she stays on the show, and just... gets really disappointing storylines. I’d be inclined to keep giving Keiko Agena a paycheck. 

(Now, the fact that WB threw money at a backdoor pilot for Jess Mariano to go to California and open up a new world for a weakly-premised spin-off, and did no such thing for Lane Kim, is some bullshit. Literally “moving to the big city to live a dream” is SUCH a well-worn trope that all the storylines are essentially handed to them, and it’s almost inherently refreshed because Lane is a Korean-American woman and not a brooding white guy or a quirky white lady. You FOOLS, you could’ve made that show with your EYES CLOSED.)

Anyways.

I’m going to meander my way further off the main point for a moment to kick up some dust on JUSTICE FOR RORY GILMORE as well. When you write ten paragraphs lamenting Lane Kim’s eternal relegation to supporting role, it’s hard not to be cranky about affording world-opening and story-building for a main character instead. (Spin-off Jess very much deserves the crank, though.) But, frankly, the unyielding walls that the Palladinos built to construct their very effective Two-World Universe don’t do a lot of favors for Rory Gilmore either, in the end.

Basically, this construct of Stars Hollow ensemble and New Haven future means that Rory is the only one who will “get out” of Stars Hollow, because she is structurally decreed to do so. It’s the massive conflict that the Palladinos smartly built into their little generational premise: Lorelai fled her parents’ world, and Rory will slowly be lured back into it. Pain ensues. This is good drama. This is good story. This is story that will last seven seasons and six-hour revival.

But it also inadvertently makes Rory the Chosen One, in a story that doesn’t need one. This is not Joseph Campbell’s Hero with a Thousand Faces, and I’d like to believe that even Paris and Rory wouldn’t want it to be, much as they love the Power of Myth. Lorelai divests her entire life into Rory’s success; the town of Stars Hollow wants Rory to spirit out of their small town and Be Great; Rory’s grandparents expect her to follow in Richard’s footsteps and also carry out their orphaned dreams for Lorelai. And then the Palladinos choose little things that further this: Lane doesn’t ever leave Stars Hollow; Paris doesn’t get into Harvard but Rory does; Luke interrogates any boy that comes near Rory because no one is good enough. (I confess, I’m charmed into forgiving the last one.)

It’s much too much to put onto one character and leave unaddressed!!! It’s also why some audience members just really hate Rory, in a really unfortunate knife-twist on an otherwise-winsome main character. They hate the unwillingness of the narrative to acknowledge this very obvious dark and specific underside to Rory’s specialness, and the unwillingness of people within the narrative to name this very obvious dark and specific underside about Rory. But to paraphrase Jessica Rabbit: she’s just DRAWN THAT WAY!

Rory’s storylines never really confront the idea that she has had FAR too many unrealistic expectations put on her by literally everyone that’s ever existed in her life, and what it might mean if she doesn’t live up to them. What does it mean if she’s not Christiane Amanpour? What does it mean if she’s scared of disappointing people? What does it mean if she’s trying to live up to other people’s standards rather than examining what she really wants?

The Palladinos completely ignore this, and simultaneously give Rory multiple meltdowns (cheating with Dean, being cowed by Mitchum Huntzberger, stealing a boat, quitting Yale, an aimless/struggling career) and they never QUITE dig into the complete dark and specific issue at the core of Rory’s character construction... which just exacerbates the Rory hate. Rory has no self-awareness; the writers give her no self-awareness; we go in circles, and every few years there’s a slew of thinkpieces about how selfish and awful Rory is.

What makes it worse is that those questions outlined above are essentially applicable for two other women on the show: Lane Kim, and Lorelai Gilmore II, herself. Lane, like Rory, doesn’t quite bust through and answer them wholly. Lorelai, however, comes into the show having already answered them, years before, when she was a headstrong and tenacious teenager. The idea that neither Rory, her actual daughter, nor Lane, her spiritual inheritor of Parental Disapproval, are ever able to grapple with those concepts in a real way, and blossom into self-defined adulthood the way that Lorelai did is maybe the bottom line on where Gilmore Girls went “wrong.” Lorelai’s legacy is not that she’s hyperverbal, loves junk food, and got pregnant young. It’s that she rejected the expectations of her forebearers and carved out a place in the world for herself by her own definition, for better or for worse. It’s why Lorelai comes out of the narrative like a Super Mom, when in fact she’s still just as deeply flawed as Emily or Rory, and why Stars Hollow is overall magical and cherished despite it serving as a small-town hometown for Rory to leave behind. And it’s why A Year in the Life was SO satisfying for Emily Gilmore, because she proved it’s never too late to answer those questions and break through to the other side. Perhaps we’ll get enough revivals to see the same happen for Rory, and for Lane.

But enough dust about Rory. I think, after all this nitpicking, there were two options for the best way to have handled Lane Kim after Rory went off to college:

1. Give her a backdoor pilot and spinoff to Band Dreams NYC. Which, of course, was not in the Palladinos’ control, so, y’know, fine.

2. Keep Lane in Stars Hollow and give her a chance to answer those questions about self-definition and live out a few years of Lorelai-like hard-but-happy independence (and better sex) before saddling her with Zach and two babies (if you MUST). Bonus points if she moves in with Lorelai and they bond over being fundamentally disappointing to your parents and also missing Rory. A very good obvious choice.

Secret option 3. Just let Lane move to New Haven and live with Rory and Paris off-campus, and give me the goddamn roommate comedy of my dreams. Honestly this is what they should’ve done. Forget everything I said. This is my answer.

Tiny footnote: I cannot BELIEVE, that after twenty years, I am just now realizing how on-the-nose it is that Lorelai escaped from the clutches of New Haven and started a new life for herself at a place called INDEPENDENCE INN. Truly, it was right there in front of me and I didn’t even notice. This oversight might weaken the integrity of the thousand-paragraph essay I rattled off above...

[rigelmejo]

February Progress Update, March Goals:

(Updated as it’s now the end of the month) How February went:

Chinese novel chapters read in February (so far): 27 (a huge amount! Last month’s was 8. This month - 4 were Guardian, the rest are 寒舍)

Chapters I studied with Listening-Reading Method: 2 (Catch me barely doing L-R and just reading Guardian instead...)

Chinese shows watched: 6. (I expected this number to shoot up and I was right! Word of Honor - tian ya ke adaptation - is airing and I am watching the raws first then the English subs as they release. I’m also maybe going to start Anti Fraud League since I finally finished ep 1. YouTube recommended me another Zhen zhehan drama - he plays Zhou Zishu in woh. It’s called Demon Girl and I’d had it in my list to practice anyway with when I got bored since it’s set 1920-1940s, one of my fave drama settings, featuring a demon heroine in which demons are like mutants who live among us. Which happens to be my LITERAL favorite story setup - mutants/monsters/etc sci fi or supernatural setup in which the story uses it to tell fantastical tales while also commenting on real social issues. Some stories do it better than others - In The Flesh and Bureau of Transformer do excellently, Love and Redemption and Guardian do some fascinating stuff with it, Heroes touches on it only a little compared to Xmen which is known for it, and Merlin often failed to commit to a strong message. But regardless - if a story has this Setup I will ultimately wanna see. So that show definirely has 3 selling points now: my Fave story setup, a heroine as the lead, and an actor I like as the other lead. I also found Mystic Nine and LORD Critical World in HD on a chinese site so I’m very tempted to just watch them in chinese only since it’s more convienient then the english sub links I have for the shows. An interesting update: trying to watch a show this month was easier than in the past - last month I could barely watch Any shows, and before that I distinctly remember shows being harder to catch the details. I watched Anti Fraud League ep 1 fully this month and caught all details roughly without pausing - and like 3 sentences of exposition on main character Mi Huo I paused and replayed the scene just to catch all the chinese subtitles and clarify I understood correctly. I think I got about 90% of the details - because I was a little vague on some word meanings and just guessed on those. And grasped 100% of the overall plot. which is well beyond where I was at month 10-11ish last time I tried watching shows. Also yay! A detective show felt as easy as watching a fluff romance which is so great, because I like this genre much more! Although I am going to give a grateful shout out to Granting You A Dreamlike Life because... while the shows first 15 eps I did watch are Not My Thing, I watched it like 8+ months into learning and it was both a challenge and easy enough TO watch and keep watching. Which made it great for improving. I really think it helped a lot. And I also think... at this point I probably could rewatch guardian without eng subs and be fine. When I watch shan he ling today I guess I’ll find out if I can handle a wuxia plot though without eng subs lol)

Japanese Audio listened to: 14 (no change, this is since start of year)

Personal books read: 11 (since 2021 started - so 6 books in February. I have been reading SO MUCH lately, I’m really excited? I’ve been meaning to read so many of my books I just hadn’t gotten around to it. This is also likely to increase as I’m about to finish dmbj 2 next time I pick it up).

Some other things:

@a-whump-muffin​ u inspired me and sometime soon I will be trying to play KH in japanese again, and looking at ur super amazing grammar guide u made ToT (I might try nier automata if its bearable just because I’m playing all the drakengard/nier games right now but... the language is a lot more sci fi so i’m not sure that’d go well... also i want to check if my final fantasy type-0 has japanese language settings...). But like... I am definitely up for looking at a grammar guide, and looking up words on my phone as I play. Now that’s a study method i could DO maybe ToT and also like!!! ultimately i want to do it anyway!!! i just figured it would be drowning and chickened out! but like. to study doing what u wanted to do anyway in the language??!!! wowwww ;-; i mean that’s basically why i’m reading chinese but u get the idea

Other japanese updates: I’m still listening to quickleur I just haven’t done any listening lately (u can tell by the L-R status above lol). It did help a lot though even the bits I listened to, as far as refreshing my mind on particles and verb endings. And the explanation on sentence structures u gave @a-whump-muffin​ !! (who is god tier if ur studying japanese they are <3 <3 )

Part of the ‘personal books read’ goal - I’m counting any textbooks I read in that category, in the hopes if I frame it in my head as reading for personal interest instead of studying, I will do it. Ideally I would LIKE to read my DeFrancis Chinese books, Chinese Nature Method grammar book, Chinese Sentence Patterns book, 2 books I just ordered, my japanese reading books (the 1st one a good refresher the 2nd one literally could be... my textbook for years its got so much). Those chinese books in part because WOW I am so used to so much grammar in context when reading, but when I go to produce language I’m a hot MESS. And I think just like... I really should read those books and fill in the gaps in my understanding and like solidify the correct understanding of what I can comprehend. Sometime.... I ALSO should read my Alan Hoenig chinese characters book. But will I???? AHA. I forgot to mention in my last reading post - but brute forcing learning the hanzi has been going fine actually. I was concerned just looking up hanzi when reading, that I would struggle to learn the new ones. But I can confirm that reading has gotten easier, and I’ve picked up a LOT of hanzi I was previously brute force looking up repeatedly while reading. So like... as long as this keeps working, I’ll keep doing it. I’m very lazy and the path with least resistance and mental exhaustion is what I’ll keep doing, if it works, even if it might be slower. (Although I do think the hanzi books I have are very useful and have helped me speed up progress when I used them).

I learned how to make gifs this month and I’m overwhelmed with all the stuff I could try to do? Idk its very cool i’m very excited about it.

Goals for March:

Basically, we’re sticking to the quite steady study plan I’ve had the past few months, which has boiled down to: read chinese, L-R, listen/watch if desired, do something listening related in japanese if desired. It’s not well rounded or anything but I’m making steady progress and its easy to keep doing.

Anything in bold is what I’m doing right now/likely to do (although we know how often I just derail).

Read chinese novels. (This can include Guardian. Currently includes: hanshe, guardian. On hiatus: Tian Ya Ke).

Listen-Read Guardian. (Reading guardian in Any way is the priority so if this happens yay, but if it doesn’t I’ll be happy if I’m still working through guardian and just postponing the listening part).

Optional. Play video game in japanese, use a dictionary and grammar guide when confused af. This one’s imminently likely just because the instant I get Nier remastered I’m playing it, and also playing Nier Automata etc games, so like... the opportunity and desire to play the japanese versions of games I want to do that with WILL hit me. 

Optional. Watch chinese shows. This one’s also likely because a priest novel drama adaptation just dropped (Word of Honor, shan he ling, tian ya ke/Faraway Wanderer’s adaptation) and I don’t want to wait for the english subs. 

Optional - unlikely (I’m not in the mood to listen to stuff lol). Audios. Keep listening to Japanese Quicksleur when there’s down time (like playing games), and Chinese Spoonfed audio if I feel like it. 

Personal. Keep reading while I’ve got the motivation to. I am really enjoying getting through all these books I’ve wanted to read for so long. 

BELOW I will eventually link a list of story recs (also see tag rec list for more):

Poyun 破云 (recced)

Poyun 破云 2

一级律师 by 木苏里 (recced)

盗墓笔记 series

默读 by priest

他们的故事 by 一根黄瓜丝儿 

寒舍 by 夏灬安兰 pingxie supernatural au

818 (pingxie)

鎮魂 by priest (chapter 4)

天涯客 by priest

Qi Ye 七爷 by priest

六爻 by priest

FGEP

犹记斐然 foxghost rec

一受封疆 foxghost rec

女主大人 我错 gl

将军府小妾生存报告 gl

夜半衣寒 by 夏灬安兰 pingxie (can u tell i like this author)

(瓶邪同人)所谓一切发生在网配+番外 (writer and radio voicer pingxie au)

死亡万花筒 kaleidoscope of death

将军府小妾生存报告  

女主大人，我错了  

魔女霓裳

公主饶命 GL

民政局领到了媳妇

In progressing difficulty, books I want to read and should be ready to read now, a la foxghost’s recommendations:

那些風花雪月 by Gong Zi Huan Xi (took 14 months of study before I tried to read this, did try, did not click with me lol)

不正當關係 by Gong Zi Huan Xi (foxghost said this was the same difficulty as the story above, so I’m probably ready for this one too).

*SCI 谜案集 by ErYa (I’ve heard this somewhat easy to read, is a good story, and since its case-centered I think it would be a good intro to later reading books like Silent Reading by Priest)

龍圖案卷集  by ErYa (There is an audiobook on Ximalaya!)

黑風城戰記  by ErYa (sequel to novel above)

Then the recommendation says you should probably watch a lot of shows for some vocab (I sort of do so I’ll see how that helps me out), and you can start tackling xianxia, like Priest’s “六爻, and then 鎮魂, then 殺破狼, and pretty much any other of GZHX’s works.” I would guess this point is when Tian Ya Ke would be more my reading level, when 六爻 is, at the beginning. I would guess after 鎮魂 is when I could try to tackle Can Ci Pin. Sha Po Lang is steampunk and fantasy, so I would guess it has some of the sci fi type words - so if I’d be ready for that, I might be ready for Can Ci Pin at the same time.

[stvlti]

Fic Writer Interview

I piped up when @kiseiakhun did theirs so now I gotta pay for my hubris (but also, it's fun! Thanks for going out of your way to re-tag me!)

Name(s): stvlti (tumblr), stultiloquent (ao3)

Fandoms:

Actively writing for: DCU - comics and also related media, by which I mean of course Young Justice the cartoon and somehow also the Titans TV show. I never expected I'd write for a live action TV show series but hey, 2003 Teen Titans were my roots and Titans is a close relative. (Funnily enough I haven't actually seriously written for TT, but it's all about NTT and its derivative works)

Older fandoms on my AO3: Black Mirror: Bandersnatch, Noragami, Death Note

Where you post: AO3 is where I literally archive all my fics that see the light of day, drabbles and crackfics alike, but sometimes they get posted on Tumblr first (especially if it's to fill a prompt) and then make their way over to AO3 for reposting

Most popular one shot (by kudos):

Overall: "the hands that worship you", which is a pwp because I guess y'all love the porn on AO3!

This year: "if you can't summon your own tentacles, store-bought is fine", which is also a pwp because you horny mofos will always pick porn over anything else welp (thanks for leaving kudos though 🤣 and tbf, this one does have the unfair advantage of being literally the second oldest piece posted this year so it's had more time to amass more kudos than my gen / PG rated fics. proportionately though it's definitely not the one I've gotten the highest kudos to hits ratio on)

Most popular multi-chap (by kudos):

Discounting "if you can't summon your own tentacles" (which is more a two-parter that was written as a one-shot), I don't have an answer for either "Overall" or "This year" for this one because I have in fact only ever written one (1) multichap fic since moving to AO3 (we don't talk about the dark days on Deviantart) and said multichap fic isn't even close to within the top 10 most kudos'd fic on my account. That plus it's an RPF from my teenaged years that I really don't wanna plug on main because I don't want y'all to read that shit (it's RPF, come on)

Favourite story you’ve written so far:

I can't answer for "Overall" (cause I feel like I'd be forgetting and therefore neglecting a portion of the stories I've got in my portfolio over the last 8 years), but for "This year" it is in fact my latest entry, "Transference"! I was quite proud of the comfort zones I tested with that one, I pushed myself to write more than 2 character povs for a single piece (my record had always been 2 but in that fic I was juggling 3 - almost 4 character perspectives), plus it gave me an excuse to play around with narrative structure which is always a Thing I'm nerdy about

Fic you were nervous to post:

Cool cool cool so I'm just gonna expose myself with this one, but it was actually the priest kink fic, "When I'm down on my knees you're how I pray". I wanted to contextualise Dick Grayson's guilt issues in a Catholic context as like a what-if, but I've also never been Catholic, wasn't raised Catholic, and it was somehow important to me that I didn't misrepresent the customs and rituals of Catholicism? Even though just writing the fic itself was already fundamentally disrespectful? Idk my brain works on weird logic.

btw if any of you wanna cancel me for this just block me and move on.

How do you choose your titles?:

The title is either based on the central theme / moral of the story, which will come to me as I write and is usually the case for fics I take more seriously, OR, if it's a ficlet I didn't put as much effort into and/or don't intend to show off, I'll usually pull from lyrics for a one liner that hits the emotional notes I'm going for in the story.

Do you outline?:

Almost always. The only fics I haven't outlined are spur of the moment things, stuff that's very focused on a single instance or thought without much plot or coordination needed.

Complete: 26 25 in total

not counting the ones I deleted or orphaned this year (again this number does not include my Deviantart stash shhhh those didn't happen)

In-progress: uh....3 4?

I'm kinda in between the research and planning stage for 3 different fics atm so idk if it's really in-progress in-progress... Those 3 fics aren't even set in stone, I might abandon them again like I did with one of these 3 (the dark academia au) 5 months ago (that I recently picked back up on the research front)

Yeah I forgot my Sladick fic is a 2-parter that I should probably work on and finish at some point 😬

Coming soon/not yet started: I think it's somewhere between 8 and 11

I just added 2 more to the list after Romin Week prompts dropped /sigh. But I really wanna test my comfort zone again and try writing the wilder stories for a change (it'll be fun though if I get around to it! Hopefully something BOP movieverse shaped if I'm lucky)

Prompts:

Sure, send them my way! I accept prompts, just can't guarantee I'll be able to respond speedily though cause I can't chain my muse to me and also real life happens, a lot

Upcoming work you’re most excited about:

Ooof idk if excited is the right word, try trepidation...I'm scared to mischaracterise our faves...but a BOP movieverse fic is probably going to be real fun! Just hope I can finish the research and writing in time for the event though

No-pressure tags:

See this is the real point of me asking to be tagged and filling this tag, cause I wanna pass it on to my writing mutuals in other fandoms. So @trans-l-lawliet @fantomn @mellonearyou @3dnygma , if you're listening,,,,

Also any other writerly friends or followers reading this and curious to try, please go ahead! Have fun with this!

[nellied-reviews]

Succulent Rat-Killing Tar Re-listen

Hey! So, I’m new here, but I’ve recently been re-listening to the podcast Wolf 359, and I'm obsessed again, so I kinda wanted, in true Self-Indulgent fashion, to record my thoughts about it, see what stands out now I know how the series plays out. I don’t know if anyone will actually want to read this, but I enjoyed writing it, at least!

If any of you don’t know Wolf 359, but are still, for whatever reason, reading this, a) you should go listen! It’s a sci-fi podcast with some awesome characters, and a really great balance of creepiness, wackiness and actual plot. But also, b) I will be posting spoilers here, sorry. It’s been a while, so I think they’re pretty much fair game now? But just so you’re not caught out: here be spoilers.

With that cleared up, then:

Succulent Rat-Killing Tar

In which we meet the disaster that is Douglas Eiffel, Hilbert blows things up, and the Hephaestus receive a strange transmission from deep space.

In some ways, re-listening to this episode was an odd experience, because the characters don’t quite feel solid yet. It’s the same in a few early episodes - tonally, they’re just really different to a lot of what comes later - and I don't think that’s bad, per se, especially since there are things, on a re-listen, that connect this to later episodes. But this episode is particularly weird, I think, even for the early episodes. 

Gabriel Urbina actually talked about this in the writing notes he posted to his Tumblr, how he conceived of Wolf 359 as a one-man show, and  what we get here is basically the Doug Eiffel! Show, with what are essentially cameo appearances from the others. As a consequence of this, Minkowski, Hera and Hilbert don’t get much characterisation, and even things like their voices seem ... odd? Hera, especially, feels more like Space Siri than the snarky AI we know and love, while Minkowski... eh, I don’t know why I don't like her here, but I remember not liking her when I first listened to it either. I think she sounds kind of flat, like she's not quite a real person?

 It’s probably good, then, that Eiffel comes onto the scene fully formed and really freakin' funny. Zach Valenti is a funny man, and he kills it here, from the very first lines. I particularly love how much information he gets into his opening monologue. He takes what looks, superficially, like a lazily-written infodump - because seriously, who would start their log like that on day 448? Does Eiffel open every single log like this?! - and just runs with it. It's such a ludicrous thing to do, and the whole reason I buy that yes, Eiffel totally does just sit there every single night talking to himself, is Zach Valenti’s performance. It's so good, guys, seriously!

On a side-note, I am also endlessly amused at the way in which Eiffel’s utterly bonkers decision to narrate his boring chores like an exposition-heavy radio show gives the Dear Listeners ammo later on. Like, if Eiffel were not such a fundamentally ridiculous character, they would not have his voice to contact the crew. So much of the plot just hinges on Eiffel being a dumbass, and I can respect that.

Besides the fact that he’s this weird, lovable dumbass, we do also get some nice character moments for Eiffel. For one, it’s buried under a lot of funny stuff, but we get our first hints at him having an addictive personality - his love of cigarettes certainly hits differently when you know about his past with alcohol.

There are also, sticking to things I picked up the first time round, hints that Eiffel is perhaps more competent than he lets on? Certainly, he kicks into a different gear when the transmissions come through - the goofing around stops straight away, and he genuinely seems keen to make contact. I like that, I think.

That said, he blows his moment of competence by ignoring the signal and getting coffee. For such a pop culture-savvy guy, he sure falls hard into the "I’m sure it was nothing" trap here. Ugh, Eiffel. Come on. You’re better than this.

I’m not complaining, though, because it does give us time to listen to Alan Rodi's beautiful music. Words cannot convey how much I love it. I don’t know if it's just nostalgia from last time I listened to Wolf 359, but hearing the music again here nearly made me cry, genuinely. I especially love the acoustic piano. I think it'd be easy to go with a technological, electronic sound for a podcast set in space, so the choice to use a more traditional, old-fashioned instrument like a piano is a pleasant surprise, grounding the show in something older and more Earth-bound, and providing the same kind of connection to Earth history and culture that the old music does at the end. You've got electronic bleeping going on, sure, which adds a layer of space-y weirdness to it all. But it's still, underneath the noises, something lovely and comforting and nice. So congrats, Alan Rodi. You made a 30 second coffee break into something really beautiful.

Then we're back and Minkowski has Eiffel reading Pryce and Carter - another mainstay of the show being introduced right there - and then Hilbert's lab is on fire. This whole section is solidly funny, and I especially love the tone of the Pryce and Carter entries. From the muzak in the background, to the disturbing, sort-of-aphoristic style of the entries, which kind of feel like something from Welcome to Night Vale, to the fact that this book seems to have no structure and is just one giant, non-user-friendly list, everything about this is hilarious to me. I also noticed the reference to the idea that somebody might be in space for disciplinary reasons. Which totally won’t be relevant later. Nope. Definitely not.

Hilbert, although his voice is much less growly than I’m used to, feels closer to his later self, character-wise, than the others. He’s maybe a bit too dotty, but then again, literally everything he does during this season is a front anyway, so I'm willing to give that one a pass. Stuff blowing up is always fun, either way, and it also introduces another idea that will stick around: the idea that everything on the Hephaestus is either broken or is about to break. Mentions of a power outage last week, in particular, suggest that this ship is already... less than shipshape.

And the we get the episode's climax, the arrival of the alien message which turns out to be... an old transmission of The Entertainer, by Scott Joplin?

And look, I think this was what sold me on Wolf 359. Sure, it took a while to find it's feet. But this moment was what convinced me that hey, I'll hang around a bit longer. Because it’s such a smart choice. 

Already, by having an audio drama series whose main character is a communications officer, and whose plot centres round him using radios and making audio logs, you have the ingredients for an intensely self-reflective, metatextually interesting show. It makes us think about radio and broadcasting and how sounds are transmitted through space. 

But by using a real recording of The Entertainer, something from the very earliest age of radio, with its gramophone-y crackle, you’re widening the scope, linking us all the way back to the birth of recorded sound. And Eiffel's joy at it all, his glee at finding a connection back to Earth, is a reminder of the power recorded sound can have. Eiffel, listening to Scott Joplin, is transported somewhere new and intriguing. Meanwhile we, listening to some podcast about stars and toothpaste and spacefaring dumbasses, are also transported away from our lives and our world. It’s a lovely idea.

Of course, I could be reading too much into this. It could just be that the piece is out of copyright, and hits the right balance of strange vs. familiar.

Either way, it makes for an ending that’s beautiful, wholesome and surprisingly sweet. I’m charmed, particularly, by how earnest Eiffel seems when he’s talking about how the music makes him feel. After spending a whole episode goofing around, it’s a refreshing change of pace, and it made me smile the first time I listened to it. This time round, it feels a bit more bittersweet, I think. We know that Eiffel won't be going home for a good, long time, after all.

In any case, it's a solid end to an episode that, while it has its issues, still mostly holds up. A surprising amount of plot-relevant stuff is established. Eiffel, at least, is properly introduced. And I get weirdly emotional about radio shows. Nice job, Wolf 359.

 Miscellaneous thoughts:

Eiffel not understanding Hilbert when Zach Valenti voices them both is peak comedy and you can fight me on this

 Eiffel joking about everyone on the ship have “series trust issues”. You ain’t seen nothing yet, hun.

The noises they made for Eiffel slurping coffee are so gross and childish I love them

Ooh, when he’s mocking Minkowski, Eiffel pronounces her name right!

Eiffel calling Hera “sweetheart” ^-^

Hilbert passing the explosion off as a hairdryer omg

[phoenixrisesoncemore]

But Whose Deontology?

The Untamed: three-fifths mark

OK, @thearrogantemu​ I finally had a chance to look at a non-work screen for long enough to watch some more Untamed; through episode 30 now! Oh boy. Spoilers for anyone who isn’t this far yet below the cut:

I feel like this show didn’t exactly *hide* that it was interested in poking holes in everyone’s moral system, but it did spend a lot of time... not distracting us, really, but using the other assorted comical, tender, and otherwise emotional aspects of the show to deepen our investment in these characters’ lives and choices before it started really making its moves. I suspect it wouldn’t have had the same effect otherwise.

The long run up is a pacing I’m quite the fan of from almost three decades of JRPGs that start out as light-hearted adventures about teenage angst only to turn into philosophical ruminations on God and the nature of the universe (see my favorite example: Xenogears). Even The Lord of the Rings does something... similar, albeit not intentionally on the part of the author. It’s actually one of my favorite “tropes” in storytelling: the tone shift—the moment the light-hearted and comfortingly simple reveals itself to be something much wider and deeper and which will leave you unsettled in its wake.(1)

I’m really quite impressed with Xiao Zhan and Wang Yibo. Xiao Zhan manages to believably play the process of aging from arrogant and ornery but innocent and lovable “student” in Cloud Recesses, to the (still arrogant and ornery but lovable) rebellious “hero” during the Wen indoctrination, to the (still arrogant but lovable) young man forced to grow up too fast when his adoptive parents are killed, to the Master of Demonic Cultivation and head of The World’s Most Wholesome Farming Co-op (why cultivate only demons when you can cultivate turnips, too!?).(2) And he manages to play it all as believably the same character, always deeply expressive but also somehow... authentic... even when he is putting on a show: his play-acted irresponsible argumentativeness with Wen Qing; his self-infantilization whenever he wants Yanli to mother him. The latter would be laughable if we were to take it as entirely straight-faced—he knows he is playing childish, and he knows that she knows, even if he does legitimately want to be mothered. Jiang Cheng on the other hand seems to never handle the reality of Wei Wuxian as well as Wei Wuxian handles the reality of Jiang Cheng...

I understand there was some criticism of Yibo’s perceived lack of expressiveness when the show first came out, but I think he’s doing a fantastic job portraying a deeply stoic character whose emotional turmoil is buried under mountains of learned and self-enforced composure. It’s not like he’s missing beats; he’s responding, it’s just subtle. He’s responsible for two of my favorite moments so far: when he first smiles ever so slightly when he sees the lantern Wuxian has made him with the rabbit drawing(3) and the scene of him kneeling in the snow as punishment. I don’t know if it’s the lighting or the fact that it’s one of the few times he’s not carrying tension in his eyebrows, but he looks SO YOUNG in that shot. Honestly, he looks more AT PEACE in that shot than I think he does at almost any other time in the show so far. It feels to me like, in that moment, he has no regrets either about what he did nor about the fact that he should have to atone for it. Like he has internalized some sense that both things are right and can exist in tension. The weird effect of this growth next to Wei Wuxian’s feels like watching one of the two grow older (Wuxian) while the other grows younger (Wangji).

Now, I’m a sucker for every last story where two highly disparate-seeming people move from from some variation of dislike (either on the part of one or both) to friendship to, sometimes, something more (no, no BL here, none at all *looks the other way*). Certainly Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji have very different personalities. Wei Wuxian has little regard for rules, authority, tradition, taboos, or social etiquette: he uses Lan Wangji’s ming(4) almost as soon as he meets him! The way he interacts with objects and spaces (and personal space!) shows his lack of reverence/respect for the people and things others expect him to have reverence for. He has no problem questioning what everyone else seems to see as obvious up to the point of outright suggesting the use of dark magic. Because...well, why not?? Because “they said so?”

It’s not that he doesn’t KNOW the rules. Another of my absolute favorite moments is during the Wen indoctrination when Wei Wuxian starts reciting not the Wen clan principles, but the Lan clan principles! Sure, he lacks the expected respect for sources of authority be they personal or ideological, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t KNOW them. He’s obviously naturally talented, gifted, a fast learner, curious, but also—and crucially—he has a very strong moral compass! He does not tolerate bullies, especially when they turn their attention to the vulnerable, like Wen Chao.(5) Yanli notes that their father always favors those with moral integrity and who does he favor? Wei Wuxian.

And this is where he and Lan Wangji are more alike than Wangji initially thinks, and why I love that moment, just after they release the lanterns, when you see, just for a second, the surprise on his face at the content of Wei Wuxian’s prayer: that he always be able to “stand with justice and live with no regrets.” It is, I imagine, the moment when it really hits Wangji that this rebel he finds himself irrationally attracted to truly is *good* despite the fact that he shows no outward signs of respecting the same sources of moral authority Wangji does.

So what is the main difference? Where the rules come from. Who makes the rules? Both of them are pretty sure they know.

Lan Wangji gets his moment to present his source just after their rooftop duel when he catches Wei Wuxian drinking: the Lan Clan principles chiseled right into stone. All 3000 of them. Interestingly, even though Wei Wuxian can and does memorize the code and seems perfectly happy with the notion of moral principles in general, I’ll wager a guess that he is confused by the very idea that a moral code would be so strict and unchanging and inflexible that it could be chiseled into stone *in the first place* or that it would *need to be memorized*. Surely you’d just...”know?” Besides, morality is too contextual to treat this way surely?

As a CLH (Confirmed Lifelong Heretic) my sympathies admittedly lie more with Wei Wuxian than Lan Wangji. It’s not that traditional codes of ethics and conduct are bad things. These are the things that provide stability across entire cultures and peoples. If they’re written in stone, at least that means they’re something everyone has a greater chance of pointing to and agreeing on.(7) And just as Lan Wangji has to learn that there are moral codes that aren’t written in stone and that individual minds can have very clear senses of right and wrong outside of group structures, Wei Wuxian has to learn to temper his arrogance—that his actions, for however right he *thinks* they are, can and do have consequences he would not intend for those he loves, as when he stops himself from calling to Wangji during the hunt. I have a feeling he’s going to be learning more...

Then there’s that whole conversation from ep. 29 as Lan Wangji prepares to leave the burial mounds which is just full of whammies (set, naturally, against the exceedingly domestic reality of the community as a whole and their exceedingly sweet interactions with a-Yuan). Wei Wuxian says: “But let yourself be the judge of what is right and what is wrong, leave others’ comments aside, and care little about gain and loss. What I should do. I know it very well. I believe that I’ll be able to control it well.” And then there’s that moment where you can actually feel Lan Wangji’s heart drop into the pit of his stomach as he presses his eyes closed.

This is the reverse of the moment when Wangji directed Wuxian’s attention to the list of Lan clan principles, so solid they are written in stone.(8)

Then there is that wonderful bit about their respective paths—Lan Wangji’s path vs. Wei Wuxian’s path: the wide avenue vs the one-log bridge. I assume this is a literal translation of the Mandarin. Is it an idiom? If so, I may mangle its meaning terribly and for that I am sorry. But it seems to me that a wide avenue is safe, easy, populated; a single-log bridge is comparatively dangerous and only one person can walk it. Which seems a pretty good metaphor for the differences in whose rule-book each of the leads chooses. Not to mention, with my Western ears, it sounds a WHOLE lot like a “straight and narrow path.” Interesting then, that it is The Master of Demonic Cultivation who is choosing it, while Lan Wangji—with his brightness and discipline and clarity—is following the “easy” way.

So, there it is: whose deontology is the right one? How do you choose?

It’s the epistemological aspect of the question of ethics that Newbigin gets right in that quote I posted the other day. Honestly, I disagree with a great deal (like, a lot) of what Newbigin says in that book, and I think he spends far too much time running himself in ever tighter Calvinist circles, (not to mention I have little interest in missiology and am highly skeptical of evangelism). But! I appreciate that he does, at least, recognize the danger of believing we have insulated ourselves completely from uncertainty or of expecting that certainty is even a thing possible to achieve.

But where do we choose to anchor our axioms? And why? Whose deontology is the right deontology? The rules written on parchment and stone? Or the rules written on our souls? Remembering, of course, that both are fallible. 16 years in the future, will the two leads have changed their minds at all?

And now with any luck, I’ll have a free weekend in which to watch the last 20 episodes, assuming no one wants me to do adult things like house cleaning or completing design projects people are paying me for.(10)

Like how Tolkien switches register from the low and comedic to the high and romantic but you’re fully aware it’s all really part of the same story and suddenly, bam!, you recognize that those aspects of life are somehow not able to be disentangled.

OMG is this an intentional play on “cultivation”? Sometimes I can’t tell what might be getting lost in translation, and I’m certainly too ignorant of Chinese culture, mythology, and folklore to really appreciate everything happening in this show, not least of which due to the language barrier.

He is, interestingly, far more moved by it than the drawing Wuxian does of *him* two episodes beforehand—is this merely the result of the progression of their relationship? This is post-cold springs after all.

That took some research to understand!

The main “vulnerable” character that he never seems to swoop in to save is Meng Yao and I wonder if it’s because he can sense something “off” about him. I felt bad for Meng Yao at first but he always put me on edge. Honestly, is there anyone who trusts Meng Yao as far as they can throw him? *looks at Elrond* OK, anyone except Elrond?(6)

Honestly, before I started watching this I saw that one of the characters was being referred to as Elrond and I wondered, going into it, if I’d know which character it was, and then Lan Xichen walked in and I was like “oh, yeah, obviously!” Seriously, what is it about him? Is it his physical appearance? The way he holds himself? His outfit? His pattern of speaking? How is this person so obviously coded “Elrond?”

Except they don’t really. That’s never how it works.

And interestingly, when looking at his name: “Wei Ying,  Ying is his 名, meaning, baby; Wuxian is his 字, it comes from an ancient prose “喜乐无羡赏,忿怒无羡刑”, which means when you’re delighted don’t reward without restraint,  when you’re angry don’t punish without restraint. Wuxian here means exercise your power reasonably.”(9)

The richness of the world in this show really appeals to me as does the carefully choreographed costume design, productions design, and cinematography (seriously, everyone needs to dress like this all the time; end of story; I have spoken). There have been some amazing shots that I can only assume are drone footage that have been ADRed?

20 years in and adulthood still sucks. 0 of 5 stars. Would not recommend.

[jmsa1287]

A Year in Review: The 25 Best Films of 2019

This list may seem a few months late from the rest of the media, but I consider the movie season to stretch 14 months, from the start of the Sundance Film Festival in January through the end of the Oscars ceremony in February. This year's movie season was shortened as the 92nd Academy Awards were held about three weeks earlier than usual, commencing on Feb. 9. Of course, South Korean director Bong Jon-ho's "Parasite" took home the Best Picture prize making history as the Academy's first-ever non-English language film to take home the top award.

Now that the Oscars have officially wrapped up, and the 2020 movie season is revving up (to a weak start), I feel comfortable with sharing my favorite 25 films of 2019. From box office hits to smaller gems, below is a breakdown of the top films that debuted last year.

25. “The Beach Bum,” directed by Harmony Korine

24. “A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood,” directed by Marielle Heller

23. “Toy Story 4,” directed Josh Cooley

22. “Alita: Battle Angel,” directed by Robert Rodriguez

21. “The Lighthouse,” directed by Robert Eggers

20. “A Long Day’s Journey into Night,” directed by Bi Gan

19. “Doctor Sleep,” directed by Mike Flanagan

18. “6 Underground,” directed by Michael Bay

17. “Uncut Gems,” directed by Josh Safdie and Benny Safdie

16. “The Nightingale,” directed by Jennifer Kent

15. “Hustlers,” directed by Lorene Scafaria

Lorene Scafaria's "Hustlers" might be the most fun film of 2019, composed of brilliant shots and serving as a spotlight to showcase Jennifer Lopez's talents. Mostly set during the 2008 recession, the film is a condemnation of late stage capitalism while following a group of strippers, played by Lopez as well as Constance Wu, Keke Palmer, Lili Reinhart and more, who drug wealthy men and steal from them — until their crimes catch up with them.

14. “The Farewell,” directed by Lulu Wang

An impressive debut feature from Lulu Wang, "The Farewell" is a special kind of family tale, featuring a breakout performance from comedian Awkwafina. Rooted from Wang's true story (which was first turned into an episode of "This American Life"), "The Farewell" is unlike any kind of family drama you've seen; a deeply personal, sad but ultimately uplifting film about the things we choose to tell (and not tell) those closest to us.

13. "Asako I & II," directed by Ryusuke Hamaguchi

Following up his six-hour film "Happy Hour," Japanese filmmaker Ryusuke Hamaguchi's "Asako I & II" clocks in at just two hours but still manages to pack in a number of the same themes. Here, a young woman named Asako (Erika Karata) briefly falls in love with a handsome boy named Baku (Masahiro Higashide) in her hometown in rural Japan before he suddenly vanishes. After moving to Tokyo a few years later, Asako spots Baku — but he tells her his name is Ryohei (also played by Higashide). From there, a relationship blooms and unravels. Similar to "Happy Hour," Hamaguchi's effortless ability to draw an emotional response from the ebbs and flows of deep, personal relationships (between friends, family, lovers) is unparalleled.

12. "Climax," directed by Gasper Noé

Gasper Noé is often hit-or-miss with most movie audiences. His films are always provocative and his latest feature "Climax" is no exception. Set in the 90s, a French dance troupe rehearses a routine ("Climax" opens with the single best scene of 2019) before celebrating for the night with some snacks and sangria — which someone has spiked with LSD. The rest of the film plays out like a perverse whodunnit while the group, led by Sofia Boutella, tries to figure out what's going on before losing their minds and allowing deep secrets ruin their lives.

11. "The Irishman," directed by Martin Scorsese

Martin Scorsese's long-awaited return to the gangster flick resulted in a three-and-a-half-hour epic. "The Irishman," which reunites Marty with Robert De Niro and Joe Pesci, also stars Al Pacino (the first time the actor appeared in a film by the acclaimed director), as Jimmy Hoffa. The film is Scorsese's most meditative work outside his films about religion. There is as much subtext to the film as there is text, making "The Irishman" a dazzling feat of filmmaking and storytelling, featuring outstanding performances from its three leads.

10. "Gloria Bell," directed by Sebastián Lelio

Since his 2017 breakout film "A Fantastic Woman," Sebastián Lelio's career has been quite quiet. Nevertheless, the English-language remake of his own Chilean-Spanish film "Gloria," re-titled "Gloria Bell," is a stunning piece of filmmaking. Starring Julianne Moore as the titular character, the film follows the middle age single woman through the ups and downs of her dating and family life. It's an unassumingly beautiful film that is gorgeous and features one of Moore's best performances to date.

09. "Her Smell," directed by Alex Ross Perry

Alex Ross Perry's career has dramatically shifted since working with Elisabeth Moss on the 2015 thriller "Queen of Earth." Instead of making quirky New York City centric love stories (a la Noah Baumbach and Woody Allen before him), Perry once again teams up with Moss for "Her Smell." Structured like a five-act play, the film follows Becky Something (Moss), the leader of an all-girl punk group. In what is Moss's best performance to date, Becky is an addict and downright evil at times as she manipulates those around her. It's a dizzying feat of filmmaking that puts Moss to the test.

08. "Ad Astra," directed by James Gray

Brad Pitt won the Oscar for his performance in "Once Upon a Time... In Hollywood," but "Ad Astra" was his best performance in 2019. Following up his 2016 masterpiece "The Lost City of Z," director James Gray continues on his path of making ambitious epics, moving from the Amazon to the depths of our solar system. Here Pitt's Roy McBride is on a mission to find his father (Tommy Lee Jones), who is literally lost in space. Roy has to confront his issues with his father as he battles moon pirates, rabid baboons and his inner demons. "Ad Astra" is not only an impressive film for Grey, but Pitt's turn as the sad spaceman is nuanced and shows how much range the Hollywood icon actually has.

07. "Honeyland," directed by Ljubomir Stefanov and Tamara Kotevska

"Honeyland" made Oscars history when it became the first film to be nominated in both Best International Feature Film and Best Documentary Feature — and for good reason. Clocking in at just 85 minutes, Ljubomir Stefanov and Tamara Kotevska's stunningly beautiful film follows Hatidže Muratova, a beekeeper living in a remote village in North Macedonia. But "Honeyland" is so much more than that; it's a universal story about our delicate ecosystem, fickle Mother Nature, taking care of our family and having bad neighbors. In what may seem like a specific tale turns out to be incredibly relatable, with Stefanov and Kotevska achieving some of the best nonfiction filmmaking in years.

06. "Once Upon a Time... In Hollywood," directed by Quentin Tarantino

Quentin Tarantino's penultimate film "Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood" is a love letter to Tinseltown. Here, he honors the summer of 1969 as the film industry is thriving with newcomers like Sharon Tate (Margot Robbie) and aging stars like Rick Dalton (Leonardo DiCaprio in his best performance ever). Rick is a TV villain and his stunt double Cliff Booth (Brad Pitt) is along for the ride. "OUATIH" is more of a hangout movie than something one would expect from QT; it's more in line with the sophistication of "Jackie Brown" than the over-the-top cartoon violence found in "Django Unchained." Like Martin Scorsese's "The Irishman," "OUATIH" is a contemplative and meditative look at aging, youth culture and America through the prism that is Tarantino.

05. "Midsommar," directed by Ari Aster

Following up his horror masterpiece "Hereditary" just one year later, Ari Aster returned with the daylight gonzo vacation nightmare "Midsommar." Like with "Hereditary" and its star Toni Collette, Ari gets a stunning performance out of rising star Florence Pugh, who plays Dani. She just suffered a major tragedy and is decides to go on a trip to a remote village in Sweden with her aloof boyfriend (Jack Reynor) and his college pals. The trip, of course, is worse than anyone could have imagined and plays out in complete sunlight, making Aster's daytime nightmare incredibly upsetting and one of the most vibrant horror films ever made.

04. "Pain and Glory," directed by Pedro Almodóvar

Spanish auteur Pedro Almodóvar returned last year with "Pain and Glory," unlike any movie he's made in his nearly 40-year career. It's a deeply personal film and one of his most quiet and contemplative. It also reunites the filmmaker with Antonio Banderas — in his best role ever — who starred in Almodóvar's earlier films and his 2011 horror film "The Skin I Live in." Despite it being far removed from Almodóvar's oeuvre, it still fits in snugly with his work, resulting in a beautiful and self-reflexive film about age, lost love and the past.

03. "Little Women," directed by Greta Gerwig

On paper, remaking "Little Women" in 2019 might have seemed like a fool's errand. But Greta Gerwig's take on the classic story, and her follow up to her breakthrough film "Lady Bird," gave a new purpose to Louisa May Alcott's centuries old story about the March sisters living in Concord, Mass. During the Civil War. Here, Gerwig assembles the hottest cast of 2019 (Saoirse Ronan, Timothée Chalamet, Florence Pugh, Emma Watson, Laura Dern, Eliza Scanlen, Bob Odenkirk, Louis Garrel, Chris Cooper and Meryl Streep), enlists Alexander Displat for the score and Yorick Le Saux to carry out luscious cinematography. But it's Gerwig's breakdown of the story and her daring changes to the novel that make her rendition of "Little Women" vital and beautiful. She manages to retain the Alcott's tone and vibrance while bringing something wholly original to a story we've seen time and time again, proving Gerwig is a master storyteller.

02. "Parasite," directed by Bong Joon-ho

Bong Joon-ho's "Parasite" took the world by storm. A true tour de force, the South Korean film started hot out of the gate, winning the Palme d'Or award at the Cannes Film Festival, blazing its way to win Best Picture at the Oscars earlier this month. And rightfully so — "Parasite" is a relatable tale about class struggle unlike any other film in its genre. Joon-ho, who has other masterpieces under his belt ("Mother," "Memories of Murder"), is in total control of his film; a true craftsman and storyteller, who knows how to build tension, introduce bits of comedy and create compelling characters. The film is complex yet fully understandable; a truly accomplished piece of filmmaking that will become a gateway for world cinema.

01. "Marriage Story," directed by Noah Baumbach

Noah Baumbach's "Marriage Story" is his most sophisticated and considered film to date. Following a couple (Adam Driver and Scarlett Johansson) going through a divorce, Baumbach crafts a personal story with a raw script that is executed by astonishing performances from its two leads and its wonderful supporting cast (Laura Dern, Alan Alda, Ray Liotta, Merritt Wever). For so many films about finding love, there are few that are directly about the end of a relationship or divorce and Baumbach's intimate tale is a dazzling feat of not only writing, but acting and understanding of how all the moving pieces of a movie can coalesce into a breathtaking piece of art.