#also that 1 of 5? covid year but i couldn’t figure out how to word it right lmao

[adamfanti11i]

i'm still just sitting here thinking about how in the last 6 stanley cup playoffs, bob has been in net to win a series against: 1) 3 presidents' trophy winners, including 2 of the top 5 ever in points and the first presidents' trophy winner to ever be swept in the first round (which was also the blue jackets' first ever playoff series win), 2) was the starting goalie for a 4th presidents' trophy winning team that is top 8 all time in points but got hit by the curse in the second round, and 3) in all but 1 of the 5 playoff runs prior to this year, was knocked out by either the future conference or stanley cup champion.

and he has now won a stanley cup in that 6th of 6 playoff runs where he had to face: 1) the team that won the first 2 cups of the 2020s, 2) a rematch with the team that broke that presidents' trophy points record last season, 3) this season's presidents' trophy winners, and 4) the team with the guy who is doing the kind of things that haven't been seen since gretzky and lemieux.

like, sergei bobrovsky, 2 (3?) time vezina winner and stanley cup champion, you ARE a legend and a future hall of famer and i will love you forever.

[electricratlady]

My Walmart Gripes List

i worked at Walmart stocking shelves starting in 2020 as an 18 y/o and am about to quit as a 22 y/o, as soon as i have another job lined up.

i have endured endless bullshit and… interesting situations from customers and employees/management across the 4 stores i’ve worked at, and i want to catalogue as much as possible to emphasize how working retail (at least Walmart) is NOT WORTH IT.

(worth mentioning that as much as i’ve had bad experiences i’ve also met a lot of nice people and don’t hold anything against them or their reasons for continuing to work at Walmart.)

this is not going to be chronological, since i’m just jotting down these examples as they come to me, but i’m gonna specify which location i’m talking about with Store 1, 2, 3, and 4. also way too many to write at once so i’ll add as i have time/energy to.

let’s jump in!

1. Store 1– i applied and started my job in January 2020 less than a week before the infamous Toilet Paper Rush from Covid. people were so desperate we stopped stocking it on the shelves for a while and just left the pallets they shipped on out on the floor for people to take, and they’d be cleared within an hour or two.

2. Store 1– fuckin 5’3” ginger guy with tons of freckles and glasses came into work several times with a Sons of the Confederacy shirt, and a couple weeks later during a team meeting where we were asked to raise our hands if XYZ he full on did a nazi salute, then smiled and looked around to see if anyone noticed (i was the only one who noticed but managed to pretend i didn’t).

3. Store 1– this was before i was out as bisexual and well before i figured out i was trans. a coworker two years younger than me came up to me, kinda pointed at me, and randomly said “f*ggot?” and i couldn’t tell if i misheard him so i kinda awkwardly laughed and said “what?” and he said it again and i had absolutely no idea what to say, and he said “see, i knew it! i knew you liked men!” and walked away. never reported it cuz i was a dumb kid who was more just scared that someone possibly knew despite me being closeted. turns out! he didn’t know, he was just beefing with my brother on the high school football team and randomly decided to bring me into it.

4. Store 1– same kid as #3 hated doing his job and would often leave the aisle he’s stocking to wander to different aisles to chat with people, somehow never being disciplined for it despite everyone knowing. he even would walk and chat with the guy from our Subway as he took the Subway trash all the way to the trash compactor at the back of the store and back. Dude only got fired after he was adamant that Walmart was giving employees free Kleenex for Covid and walked out with a 4-pack after his shift without paying. dumb bitch.

5. Store 1– one coworker i thought was cool was in his late 20s and, despite very bad anger management issues, was very openly pro-LGBTQ+ and pro-worker’s-rights and would chat about it a lot. then one day we were both monitoring the front entrance to sanitize carts and count people going in/out (Covid protocols), and he told a story about his grandfather being robbed and him shooting the robber as they fled, and at the very end very casually dropped the n-word while laughing, then said “i’m sorry, but if you’re gonna do that shit, you deserve to be called it.” in retrospect i wish i said something to him or management but i didn’t want to risk being the target of his anger problems so i kinda just stopped talking to him.

6. Store 1– during one surge the people monitoring the front entrances had to tell people coming in that our town was a high-risk/concentration Covid area and tell people that we don’t mandate masks but still suggest them (even had some free paper ones up front for those who wanted them). i tried to be as polite and non-confrontational as possible when explaining each time but one bigger guy walking in genuinely just went “you wanna know what i think? FUCK YOU.” and laughed as he walked past me. made me feel shit for the rest of the day.

7. Store 1– this is a recurring theme at Walmart but certain employees love slacking off and don’t really get reprimanded for it as long as the jobs get finished by other people. still remember when we had a rough truck unload and i looked over as we were about to finish and saw two of the guys supposed to be helping (people who are PAID the same amount as ME who was BUSTING MY ASS) just sitting down for 5 minutes, with a look on their faces like “why aren’t you all done with this dumb bullshit yet?” one of those guys was also in my computer science class and was openly passive-aggressively homophobic there, so add that to the tally i guess.

[puttingherinhistory]

“Covid has unleashed the most severe setback to women’s liberation in my lifetime. While watching this happen, I have started to think we are witnessing an outbreak of disaster patriarchy.

Naomi Klein was the first to identify “disaster capitalism”, when capitalists use a disaster to impose measures they couldn’t possibly get away with in normal times, generating more profit for themselves. Disaster patriarchy is a parallel and complementary process, where men exploit a crisis to reassert control and dominance, and rapidly erase hard-earned women’s rights. (The term “racialized disaster patriarchy” was used by Rachel E Luft in writing about an intersectional model for understanding disaster 10 years after Hurricane Katrina.) All over the world, patriarchy has taken full advantage of the virus to reclaim power – on the one hand, escalating the danger and violence to women, and on the other, stepping in as their supposed controller and protector.

I have spent months interviewing activists and grassroots leaders around the world, from Kenya to France to India, to find out how this process is affecting them, and how they are fighting back. In very different contexts, five key factors come up again and again. In disaster patriarchy, women lose their safety, their economic power, their autonomy, their education, and they are pushed on to the frontlines, unprotected, to be sacrificed. 

Part of me hesitates to use the word “patriarchy”, because some people feel confused by it, and others feel it’s archaic. I have tried to imagine a newer, more contemporary phrase for it, but I have watched how we keep changing language, updating and modernising our descriptions in an attempt to meet the horror of the moment. I think, for example, of all the names we have given to the act of women being beaten by their partner. First, it was battery, then domestic violence, then intimate partner violence, and most recently intimate terrorism. We are forever doing the painstaking work of refining and illuminating, rather than insisting the patriarchs work harder to deepen their understanding of a system that is eviscerating the planet. So, I’m sticking with the word. 

In this devastating time of Covid we have seen an explosion of violence towards women, whether they are cisgender or gender-diverse. Intimate terrorism in lockdown has turned the home into a kind of torture chamber for millions of women. We have seen the spread of revenge porn as lockdown has pushed the world online; such digital sexual abuse is now central to domestic violence as intimate partners threaten to share sexually explicit images without victims’ consent. 

The conditions of lockdown – confinement, economic insecurity, fear of illness, excess of alcohol – were a perfect storm for abuse. It is hard to determine what is more disturbing: the fact that in 2021 thousands of men still feel willing and entitled to control, torture and beat their wives, girlfriends and children, or that no government appears to have thought about this in their planning for lockdown. 

In Peru, hundreds of women and girls have gone missing since lockdown was imposed, and are feared dead. According to official figures reported by Al Jazeera, 606 girls and 309 women went missing between 16 March and 30 June last year. Worldwide, the closure of schools has increased the likelihood of various forms of violence. The US Rape Abuse and Incest National Network says its helpline for survivors of sexual assault has never been in such demand in its 26-year history, as children are locked in with abusers with no ability to alert their teachers or friends. In Italy, calls to the national anti-violence toll-free number increased by 73% between 1 March and 16 April 2020, according to the activist Luisa Rizzitelli. In Mexico, emergency call handlers received the highest number of calls in the country’s history, and the number of women who sought domestic violence shelters quadrupled. 

To add outrage to outrage, many governments reduced funding for these shelters at the exact moment they were most needed. This seems to be true throughout Europe. In the UK, providers told Human Rights Watch that the Covid-19 crisis has exacerbated a lack of access to services for migrant and Black, Asian and minority ethnic women. The organisations working with these communities say that persistent inequality leads to additional difficulties in accessing services such as education, healthcare and disaster relief remotely. 

In the US, more than 5 million women’s jobs were lost between the start of the pandemic and November 2020. Because much of women’s work requires physical contact with the public – restaurants, stores, childcare, healthcare settings – theirs were some of the first to go. Those who were able to keep their jobs were often frontline workers whose positions have put them in great danger; some 77% of hospital workers and 74% percent of school staff are women. Even then, the lack of childcare options left many women unable to return to their jobs. Having children does not have this effect for men. The rate of unemployment for Black and Latina women was higher before the virus, and now it is even worse. 

The situation is more severe for women in other parts of the world. Shabnam Hashmi, a leading women’s activist from India, tells me that by April 2020 a staggering 39.5% of women there had lost their jobs. “Work from home is very taxing on women as their personal space has disappeared, and workload increased threefold,” Hashmi says. In Italy, existing inequalities have been amplified by the health emergency. Rizzitelli points out that women already face lower employment, poorer salaries and more precarious contracts, and are rarely employed in “safe” corporate roles; they have been the first to suffer the effects of the crisis. “Pre-existing economic, social, racial and gender inequalities have been accentuated, and all of this risks having longer-term consequences than the virus itself,” Rizzitelli says. 

When women are put under greater financial pressure, their rights rapidly erode. With the economic crisis created by Covid, sex- and labour-trafficking are again on the rise. Young women who struggle to pay their rent are being preyed on by landlords, in a process known as “sextortion”. 

I don’t think we can overstate the level of exhaustion, anxiety and fear that women are suffering from taking care of families, with no break or time for themselves. It’s a subtle form of madness. As women take care of the sick, the needy and the dying, who takes care of them? Colani Hlatjwako, an activist leader from the Kingdom of Eswatini, sums it up: “Social norms that put a heavy caregiving burden on women and girls remain likely to make their physical and mental health suffer.” These structures also impede access to education, damage livelihoods, and strip away sources of support.

Unesco estimates that upward of 11 million girls may not return to school once the Covid pandemic subsides. The Malala Fund estimates an even bigger number: 20 million. Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka, from UN Women, says her organisation has been fighting for girls’ education since the Beijing UN women’s summit in 1995. “Girls make up the majority of the schoolchildren who are not going back,” she says. “We had been making progress – not perfect, but we were keeping them at school for longer. And now, to have these girls just dropping out in one year, is quite devastating.” 

Of all these setbacks, this will be the most significant. When girls are educated, they know their rights, and what to demand. They have the possibility of getting jobs and taking care of their families. When they can’t access education, they become a financial strain to their families and are often forced into early marriages. 

This has particular implications for female genital mutilation (FGM). Often, fathers will accept not subjecting their daughters to this process because their daughters can become breadwinners through being educated. If there is no education, then the traditional practices resume, so that daughters can be sold for dowries. As Agnes Pareyio, chairwoman of the Kenyan Anti-Female Genital Mutilation Board, tells me: “Covid closed our schools and brought our girls back home. No one knew what was going on in the houses. We know that if you educate a girl, FGM will not happen. And now, sadly the reverse is true.” 

In the early months of the pandemic, I had a front-row seat to the situation of nurses in the US, most of whom are women. I worked with National Nurses United, the biggest and most radical nurses’ union, and interviewed many nurses working on the frontline. I watched as for months they worked gruelling 12-hour shifts filled with agonising choices and trauma, acting as midwives to death. On their short lunch breaks, they had to protest over their own lack of personal protective equipment, which put them in even greater danger. In the same way that no one thought what it would mean to lock women and children in houses with abusers, no one thought what it would be like to send nurses into an extremely contagious pandemic without proper PPE. In some US hospitals, nurses were wearing garbage bags instead of gowns, and reusing single-use masks many times. They were being forced to stay on the job even if they had fevers.

The treatment of nurses who were risking their lives to save ours was a shocking kind of violence and disrespect. But there are many other areas of work where women have been left unprotected, from the warehouse workers who are packing and shipping our goods, to women who work in poultry and meat plants who are crammed together in dangerous proximity and forced to stay on the job even when they are sick. One of the more stunning developments has been with “tipped” restaurant workers in the US, already allowed to be paid the shockingly low wage of $2.13 (£1.50) an hour, which has remained the same for the past 22 years. Not only has work declined, tips have also declined greatly for those women, and now a new degradation called “maskular harassment” has emerged, where male customers insist waitresses take off their masks so they can determine if and how much to tip them based on their looks. 

Women farm workers in the US have seen their protections diminished while no one was looking. Mily Treviño-Sauceda, executive director of Alianza Nacional de Campesinas, tells me how pressures have increased on campesinas, or female farm workers: “There have been more incidents of pesticides poisonings, sexual abuse and heat stress issues, and there is less monitoring from governmental agencies or law enforcement due to Covid-19.” 

Covid has revealed the fact that we live with two incompatible ideas when it comes to women. The first is that women are essential to every aspect of life and our survival as a species. The second is that women can easily be violated, sacrificed and erased. This is the duality that patriarchy has slashed into the fabric of existence, and that Covid has laid bare. If we are to continue as a species, this contradiction needs to be healed and made whole. 

To be clear, the problem is not the lockdowns, but what the lockdowns, and the pandemic that required them, have made clear. Covid has revealed that patriarchy is alive and well; that it will reassert itself in times of crisis because it has never been truly deconstructed, and like an untreated virus it will return with a vengeance when the conditions are ripe. 

The truth is that unless the culture changes, unless patriarchy is dismantled, we will forever be spinning our wheels. Coming out of Covid, we need to be bold, daring, outrageous and to imagine a more radical way of existing on the Earth. We need to continue to build and spread activist movements. We need progressive grassroots women and women of colour in positions of power. We need a global initiative on the scale of a Marshall Plan or larger, to deconstruct and exorcise patriarchy – which is the root of so many other forms of oppression, from imperialism to racism, from transphobia to the denigration of the Earth. 

There would first be a public acknowledgment, and education, about the nature of patriarchy and an understanding that it is driving us to our end. There would be ongoing education, public forums and processes studying how patriarchy leads to various forms of oppression. Art would help expunge trauma, grief, aggression, sorrow and anger in the culture and help heal and make people whole. We would understand that a culture that has diabolical amnesia and refuses to address its past can only repeat its misfortunes and abuses. Community and religious centres would help members deal with trauma. We would study the high arts of listening and empathy. Reparations and apologies would be done in public forums and in private meetings. Learning the art of apology would be as important as prayer.

The feminist author Gerda Lerner wrote in 1986: “The system of patriarchy in a historic construct has a beginning and it will have an end. Its time seems to have nearly run its course. It no longer serves the needs of men and women, and its intractable linkage to militarism, hierarchy and racism has threatened the very existence of life on Earth.”

As powerful as patriarchy is, it’s just a story. As the post-pandemic era unfolds, can we imagine another system, one that is not based on hierarchy, violence, domination, colonialisation and occupation? Do we see the connection between the devaluing, harming and oppression of all women and the destruction of the Earth itself? What if we lived as if we were kin? What if we treated each person as sacred and essential to the unfolding story of humanity? 

What if rather than exploiting, dominating and hurting women and girls during a crisis, we designed a world that valued them, educated them, paid them, listened to them, cared for them and centred them?“

[lovenhlboys]

From a Distance (E.Pettersson X Reader)

Chapter 1

Masterlist

Tag list form

A/n: hello peoples!! I’m so excited to FINALLY post the first chapter of this fic!!! I’ve been working on it for a long time, and after a few unpleasant delays, it’s finally happening 😁. While this isn’t my first fic, this is my first NHL fic, and the first fic I’m posting on Tumblr, so I’m a little nervous. This first chapter is mostly the set up to the main story, this is reader’s side of things with a flashback story. Chapter two will be mostly from Elias’s point of view. The rest of the chapters will switch back and fourth between the two.

CREDIT: Finally, before we get started I have to shout out my proofreaders. Y’all put up with me and my insanity: @siriushxney @iateyourdonuts @petey-patty @hufflepuff-girlx @cherrylita @immmbabyyygraceee @💕💕And specifically @imagines-r-s ASH!!! Babes, you have been the best and most supportive friend I could’ve asked for during this. You boosted my confidence about this fic and I have no idea what I’d do without you 😁😁

Without further ado, let’s get started shall we!! (Sorry for the long A/N, it’ll only be for this first chapter)

Paring: Elias Pettersson X Fem!Reader

Warnings: lots of cursing, friends with benefits but like...just cuddling???, references to iCarly, mentions of One Tree Hill.

Genere: enemies-ish —>friends —> lovers

Legend: (i suggest having these ready before you read)

Y/C/N/N= your cute nick name, only Markstrom calls you it (you’ll see why) this can be either a pet name you like, or a nick name you already have.

Y/N/N= your nick name, Brock, Quinn, and a few others call you this, it’s more of a playful name. Again, this can be a nickname you already have (if you don’t have one I suggest something stupid (sounds like something Stech or Brock would come up with)

Y/N= this is your first name, only Elias calls you this unless it’s a serious situation, or you’re in trouble, or Brock is being an ass. (If it wasn’t clear before...your last name is Boeser)

Word Count: 2.2k

Summary: you have a hardcore crush on your brothers best friend, who also happens to barely speak to you...it’s a slight predicament.

--------------------------

(This is set in the 2021 season, however, because of my denial, Marky and Stech are still in Vancouver and were never traded... also no Covid. however the season was still delayed just to make it easier to follow.)

Present (Feb. 2021)

You’ve always been best friends with your older brother, you never had any real issues when you were younger and you were inseparable. So much so in fact, that once you graduated early a little less than two years ago (June 2019), he asked you to move to Vancouver and live with him. He was always so protective of you and you appreciated everything he has done in your life. One of the best parts about Brock being your older brother was the people he introduced to you. You aren’t very social and god knows how much of a people person your brother is. Once you had moved in, Brock quickly introduced you to the team. And with your double major in Statistics: Data Sciences and Sports Management, you were able to secure a job with the team. Quickly, you found yourself with a second family, one with many members.

Quinn Hughes is your best friend. when you met him about a year and a half ago, you hit it off immediately. With both of you being the same age and not very social, there was an obvious connection there. When Brock and The boys  go out, it is you and Quinn who stay in and watch shows on the couch (your favorite being New Girl). Huggy Bear is so sweet and you tell him EVERYTHING, even things you’d never tell your brother. You are still thanking the draft lottery every day that the Canucks received the 7th overall pick that gave you your bestie.

Thatcher Demko AKA Dems AKA Thatch AKA baby goalie is the sweetest and most hilarious guy you know. He is always looking after you just like Brock, but he is also one of the most annoying guys you know. When you’d first met you had the biggest crush on him. You told Quinn as much and he gave you so much shit for it. That crush was short-lived though, once you found out how obnoxious he could be. You still love him, just as a friend. Though Quinn never forgets to remind you of the crush that once was.

Bo Horvat is like another big brother to you. Sure you have Brock, but he’s your best friend. Bo, however, is the person you go to when you needed advice. Holly is one of the only WAGs you’ve become close with. She and you consistently have wine and gossip nights, of which Quinn is sometimes in attendance. Plus, you and Quinn are an amazing babysitting team for Gunnar if you have anything to say about it. 

Troy Stecher is the annoying older brother you never had. He always makes fun of you, calls you names, and bullies you in the loving way brothers do. And he never hesitates to come to you if he ever needs girl advice, which seems to happen a lot.

JT was just like Bo, except he is waaay more protective of you, maybe even a bit more than brock. He doesn’t have a sister and when you met, he made it his job to never see you get hurt. Seriously, one day a guy was bugging you at the bar, and both Brock and Bo were struggling to hold him back when he saw him slap you on the ass as you walked away. 

Jacob Markstrom, AKA Marky, AKA Giraffe (pronounced like it is in one of your favorite vines), AKA your cuddle buddy for the past few seasons. Both being single, you felt lonely sometimes and Quinn wasn’t much of a hugger (despite what the nickname might have you believe). Thatcher had offered but Marky, though just as social, is much more laid back. It also helps that he is 6’6 putting him over a foot taller than you. So during movie nights, or late nights at the bar, he is the side you lean on. Of course, you made it abundantly clear to most of the boys and yourselves that you were just friends. As sweet as he was and as great of a boyfriend as he would’ve been, he wasn’t quite your type and your personalities clashed.

Then there was Elias Pettersson, the tall, skinny, Swedish guy you knew as Petey. The guy who looked at you often and barely spoke a word directed towards you. He was Brock's best friend and he came over all the time, you didn’t have an issue with him, and you couldn’t deny he was funny, and from what you’ve heard he is a very kind person. So naturally, he was exactly your type. You’ve had a massive crush on him for a while now, somehow despite the lack of conversation. And the few times he has talked to you, he’s seemed so perfect, but there are only a few times you can remember. 

Right now, as you're on your way to the Canuck’s break room your brother texted you to meet him in, you try to recall those few times, specifically the one where your crush on him truly developed.

--------------------------

FLASHBACK (some time in January, 2020)

--------------------------

You, Quinn, and Jacob were laying on the L-shaped couch in ‘The Boeser apartment’, you were cuddled under the blanket with Jacob, laying on the section perpendicular to the TV, your heads at the corner. Quinn was on the other side of the couch, his head right next to yours. it was about 7 o’clock and the episode of One Tree Hill you were watching had just ended and you three had not eaten dinner yet. As the countdown for the next episode started, your stomach growled and you got a look from Quinn and a giggle from Jacob. 

“You hungry Y/C/N/N?” Jacob asked.

You looked up at him and giggled, “maybe just a little bit.”

“Y/N/N, you know what sounds amazing?” Quinn asked, you could hear the smirk in his voice.

You turned to each other and you both smirked knowing you were thinking the same thing.

“Spaghetti tacos!!” You both said. 

Ever since you were about 10 and you watched iCarly on TV, you had always wanted to try them. It had become an inside joke between you and Quinn for quite some time as he had the same desire as you to see how good they actually were.

“We should totally try them tonight!!” Quinn was quite excited.

“I’m so confused right now,” Jacob chimed in.

“They’re from a show! They take spaghetti and put it in taco shells,” you explained.

“Ahh, hence the name.” he nodded.

“Exactly,” Quinn said.

You jumped up from the couch excitedly and ran straight to your kitchen.

“Ok, we have spaghetti, spaghetti sauce, ground beef, taco shells, aaaand..... by chance do either of you know how to make good meatballs?”

“You’re asking the Swedish guy if he knows how to make meatballs?” Jacob replied.

“Not Swedish meatballs, Italian, stupid Giraffe,” you retorted. 

“Gross,” he said with a disgusted look.

“Ooo my mom made the best Italian meatballs, let me call her to see if she can send me the recipe!” Quinn said with a big smile.

Quinn exited the kitchen and ran to your room to call his mom. 

“You know, I’ve never seen him so excited about anything,” Marky said with a laugh. 

“Quinn loves his food,” you replied.

“Are Brock and Thatch having dinner with us ?”

“I’ll ask.”

You started boiling the water for the pasta, and you cooked part of the ground beef for the meat sauce. Then you texted Brock:

Y/N/N: hey, you want me to make you dinner

Brock: Yeah, who all is there?

Y/N/N: the usual

Brock: Huggy and Marky?

Y/N/N: yep, so do you want some?

Brock: Yeah, and make enough for another person too

Y/N/N: ok

You figured it was Dems since that’s who he went to hang out with when he left 5 hours ago. 

You continued to cook when Quinn came in and grabbed a bunch of stuff from the pantry and cabinets. “Did your mom tell you how to make them?” you questioned your frantic best friend.

“Yes she did and she sent me the recipe too.”

“Coolio,” you reply.

------------------------

You were almost done cooking, the pasta was done, Quinn had put his meatballs in the oven and there were only 5 minutes left on the timer. And the sauce had about 2 minutes to simmer.

“Oh my gosh, I forgot what to do when they're almost done, she does this thing, I have to call her,” Quinn said with a panicked look on his face. He ran back to your room.

The front door to your apartment opened quickly, both boys laughing, “ahh, shit,  my brother’s calling me,” Brock said as he ran back to his room.

“Why does everyone feel the need to exit the room for phone calls?” you asked Jacob.

He shrugged with a giggle, “I don't know, maybe they don’t trust us,” he said in a sarcastically dramatic tone grasping his chest.

The door closed slowly and you glanced at the doorway where you thought you’d see the ever adorable goalie, Thatcher Demko, instead, you saw the adorable, slender, tall blonde you’d seen all the time, but never had a one on one interaction with... except the first time you met, when he told you that you looked pretty.

“Hi, Petey!” Jacob said as he slipped behind you to watch you mix the sauce, he stood over you looking at the sauce and put his hand on your waist.

“Hi,” he replied, his smile from before had faded.

“Looks so good Y/C/N/N,” Jacob said with a kiss on your cheek, a regular action. 

“Thanks, Giraffe, can you grab the taco shells?”

He grabbed them easily from the top shelf (tall ass bitch -_-), and moved behind you, placing his hands on your waist yet again, to move you to the side. “I've gotta run to the bathroom, but I’ll be right back”

“Ok, you have fun with that,” you said with a wink.

Suddenly, was only you and Elias in the room, and the silence was deafening.

“So what are we eating?” he said, pulling your attention to his bright blue eyes.

“Um, spaghetti tacos, they're from a tv sho-”

“Like from iCarly?” he interrupted.

“...Uh yeah? How'd you know?” you couldnt pull your attention away from his eyes, ‘they are just so beautiful,’ you thought somehow you hadnt noticed this within the on and a half years you’d known him.

“We also get Nickelodeon, you know,” he said while throwing you a smirk that made your stomach flip. 

“Oh, I didn't know that,” you replied, feeling just a little embarrassed. 

“iCarly was my favorite, actually.” 

“Yeah, it was mine too,” you said, smiling back, looking at the way he just lit up your kitchen with his presence.

You both stood there for a second just looking at the other, “So how long have-,” he started.

“OKAY,” Quinn unknowingly interrupted, “so she told me what to do, turns out I have to put sauce over them for the last 2 minutes, so Y/N/N can you just put a tablespoon of sauce on each ball then put them back in for two minutes?” 

“Yeah of course. Elias, you were saying?” you looked back at the Swede.

“Oh it's nothing,” he looked down at his shoes. 

“Ok, Y/N/N you need to call mom and tell her we’re fine and that she doesn't need to worry about us please, Paul says she’s stressing,” Brock said as he entered the room.

“When is she not stressing about us? I’ll call her after dinner, how's dad?”

“Doin’ good, nothing has changed or progressed or whatever since we were home last,” Brock moved and sat on the couch letting out a big sigh.

“That’s good,” you let out a sigh.

“Petey, come here, we’re watching Gossip Girl” Brock shouted at the Swede.

“Ooo what episode are you guys on?” you asked. Brock had mentioned how he was making him watch the show you two had watched about 5 times together. 

“Just after Chuck gets Dan kidnapped at Yale.” 

“Oh so you still hate Chuck?” you asked Elias.

“Ew, yeah...wait is that gonna change?” Petey said with a scoff.

“Uh....,” you stalled.

“Y/N shut up, don't spoil it,” Brock interrupted before you could make it worse.

“Ok well, dinner is ready so just start the show after and we can all watch it together.”

--------------------------

“Oh my god, these are actually amazing,” Quinn said with his mouth full.

“I know, I did not think this was gonna taste good,” Jacob added.

“Hey!” you said, offended.

“Y/C/N/N, you know I love your cooking, it was the idea of the meal that I doubted,” Jacob said leaning into your side and putting his arm around your shoulder.

“Mmmhmm, suuure,” you said, rolling your eyes.

“Hallå Marky, ni två är söta (hey Marky, you two are cute),” Petey said, confusing you, Quinn and Brock with the sudden change in language.

Jacob, being oblivious to what Petey was implying, just said, “tack broder (thanks, bro).”

Little did you know what was going on in Elias’s head.

--------------------------

PRESENT

--------------------------

Before that night, you never really thought of Elias in a romantic way. You'd been around him quite a lot, seeing as how, seemingly, is in your apartment more than his own. Sure, you knew he was cute and very sweet from what you'd seen, but up until that point, you'd never had a one-on-one interaction with him. That interaction, however small, was the beginning of an obsessive crush. Quinn was the first to point it out, you started listening closely any time he talked, attempting to converse with him, and thinking about him on a daily basis even when you didn't see him. And due to your stubbornness, no matter how unrequited your crush seemed, it never faltered. You had always thought he hated you, or maybe he just tolerated you because you were Brock’s sister, and you were always around. 

However, that couldn't be farther from the truth.

--------------------------

Tag list: @calgarycanuck @suffering-canucks-fan

[lilyclawthorne]

No Clouds Allowed In The Sky, Ch 4

“Clear skies” had been her life’s motto, it was the only thing she had at times to keep the lid on her emotions, and keep the weather outside from becoming disastrous. Totally an effective solution to her problem with no foreseeable issues, right?

————————————————————

5 times Pepa’s emotions cause her to lose control + 1 time she can finally let them out

Ch. 3 Ao3 Link

Word Count: 2204

A/N Not gonna lie this took me longer to figure out how I wanted to go about it than I expected, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. Definitely kinda just developed as I wrote it? Idk. Got a bit dialogue heavy near the end. Wrote it on my sleep-deprived COVID infected brain too, so there’s that as well, but still, hope you enjoy!

Also slight tw for choking if that’s something that bothers you.

4. Age 36

It was the afternoon, and for once Casita was quieter than it had been in so long. The house had grown to be full of kids and there was never a dull moment, but today Julieta and Agustín were in town, taking Luisa with them as she had so much energy to burn off ever since she had her own gift ceremony a month prior. Félix was currently, and somehow successfully, putting both little Camilo and Mirabel down for a nap. And Dolores and Isabela were last seen playing in one of their rooms. All of the children were occupied and Pepa decided to take this blessing of peace and quiet as a sign to enjoy a nice calm moment alone. Relax outside with a cup of tea. Maybe even enjoy the weather for once.

“Tía Pepa! Tía Pepa!!!”

Or not.

Pepa quickly abandoned all hope of a reprieve as she turned around to face her seven year old niece, “Yes, Isa?”

“Come quick!! It’s Dolores!!” Isabela yelled as she tugged on her tía’s skirt, causing the woman to let out a yelp. Pepa’s concern grew as she heard her daughter’s name, but she certainly couldn’t let herself get worked up when she didn’t know the whole story. She hadn’t heard anything that could’ve sounded like a dire problem yet either.

“Whoa, slow down Isabela. What’s wrong?”

The girl looked at her, appalled she would even consider stopping at a situation like this, “She’s crying !!”

Isabela started to tug her by her skirt once again, not prepared to stop anymore. Okay, so Pepa’s anxiety was growing a little more now, she could feel a shift in the air pressure around her but it wasn’t like it was nothing she couldn’t handle . She hated the thought of her daughter upset, but it certainly wasn’t like it hadn’t happened before. She let the girl tug her up the stairs and into her daughter’s bedroom.

Ah, so that’s why I didn’t hear it, she thought, referencing the fact that her daughter’s room could be soundproof if desired. She entered the room and her heart broke at the sight before her, tears welling up in her daughter’s beautiful eyes which were now red and puffy. Dolores practically slammed herself into her mother as she ran to hold onto her and buried her face into the woman’s dress.

Pepa lifted the girl up all the way into her arms, holding her close and trying to soothe her as she made her way to the bed.

“Mi hija, por favor, tell me what’s wrong?” Pepa whispered to her daughter, careful not to speak too loud while the girl was already distressed. Dolores didn’t respond, but just buried her face closer to her mother’s chest.

Pepa turned her gaze to the other girl in the room, “Isa, what happened?” The girl’s eyes flitted away from her tía and towards the door, and the woman held herself back from thundering at the girl’s hesitancy, “Isabela! What happened ?”

“Well, we kinda asked tío Bruno if he would see into our future,” the girl stopped for a moment, looking upwards as a cloud did begin to form over her tía’s head, but continued as the woman quickly waved it away, “and he didn’t want to, but we kept asking and he finally did. Everything was fine when he did mine, but then it was not so fine when he did Dolores.”

Bruno, Pepa thought to herself, I’m gonna murder you.

The woman grit her teeth but put on a smile so as to not worry her niece, “Isa, why don’t you go play in your room for a bit while I talk to Dolores okay? She’ll join you when she’s feeling a bit better.”

Isabela nodded and hurried out of the room and to hers, sensing that maybe she wouldn’t want to witness what would come shortly after her tía and prima finished talking. Pepa gently moved her hands so that she could tilt her daughter's head upwards and look her in the eyes, “Dolores, please, just tell me what he saw?”

The girl looked like she was trying so hard not to cry again as she began to speak, “H-he told me t-that when I g-get bigger, that the p-perfect person for me w-would be engaged t-to someone else. Is n-no one gonna love me l-like that Mami? Like how you and Papi love each other?”

If Pepa’s heart wasn’t shattered enough already, her daughter’s question slammed what was left into bits and pieces. Her daughter should be worried about playing with her primas and having fun, not worrying about who she’d marry one day. Still, she knew at such a young age, her daughter already had a thing for romance and the news must’ve been devastating to the girl.

“ No! That isn’t going to happen, mija. You will find love someday.”

The girl gave a pout at her mother, “That’s easy for you to say, you’ve already found it.”

“ Well . I’ll have you know that you’re Papi and I did not come into this world as a pairing already, and it did in fact take many years before I even met him. I used to worry the same as you, but fate worked out, and it’ll work out for you too. You control your life, not your tío’s visions.”

The girl looked slightly unsure, but gave her mother a small nod, and a tighter hug. Once Pepa was sure the girl wasn’t going to cry again, she sent her off to her prima’s bedroom before turning her focus on her own brother’s door. The clouds she had been holding back began quickly growing, as Pepa marched her way up the stairs and barged through his door without knocking.

“ BRUNO PEDRO MADRIGAL” she yelled, walking past the immediate entry room, and sliding through his “waterfall” of sand with practiced ease. Not seeing her brother anywhere in sight, she glanced upwards. It hadn’t been much, but she saw the flash of green that suggested her brother had been looking when he heard her voice. “ I know you’re up there!! You do NOT want to know what happens if you make me walk up there. ”

Pepa crossed her arms and waited, and after getting no response for a few minutes, let out another scream before heading to ascend the countless steps. Wind began to pick up, causing sand to whip around her feet.

“Ok wait, wait, wait!! I’m coming down!!” Bruno finally responded, common sense finally hitting him that no one needed his sister’s heavy winds at the top of a cliff. She stopped her climb, but that did little to ease her anger. By the time he made his way down, Pepa already had several minutes to stew in her thoughts. The sand circling around her feet looked not unlike the sand during one of Bruno’s own vision circles. He held back a joke about it.

“Care to explain just why my daughter is crying? And why I was pointed in your direction?” Pepa asked, knowing the answer but wanting her own brother to explain.

“Look, they’ve been asking me for weeks, ”he started, trying to plead his case.

“And you didn’t think to ask either me or Julieta??!” Particles of sand were flying even higher in the air.

“You know how it is with those kids. They keep begging with those big eyes and their cute faces, I can’t say no?” Bruno did have a weak spot when it came to all of the kids, bending easily to a little pout or slight cry, and the kids had likely caught on to this already.

“My daughter's face is cute. But not when it’s full of tears .” The sounds of sand and wind were beginning to get louder, making it slightly hard to hear if she hadn’t been shouting, “What were you thinking?! You didn’t have to tell her what you saw!!”

Bruno tried to make his way closer to his sister, but it was hard to push against the evolving sandstorm. Just when he thought he’d seen all the possibilities of his sister’s gift, his own room offered new surprises. It was getting hard to see her while he had to keep his head covered to avoid sand in his eyes and throat.

“P-pepa, please it’s getting a bit hard to-“

“And you had to do both girls together?? So my daughter had to see her prima had a better future than her?? Of course! Of course Julieta’s daughter gets the better future!”

“I-I think you’re feeling a bit of misdirected ange-“

“ Don’t tell me what I’m feeling!!” The winds whipped up harder as Pepa rushed forward. Bruno opened his mouth to speak but was met with a rush of sand and felt like he was choking. As the two finally came into view of each other, she began again, ready to keep on speaking before noticing his distress, “B-Bruno?”

He fell to his knees in a fit of coughing, and Pepa followed down with him. Now that he was also in the eye of her storm with her, it gave him a reprieve from the sand around him and a chance to cough up what already entered his mouth. Pepa’s own anger disappeared from her face and she tried to help him with swift swats to the back, while winds began to dissipate as fury gave way to anxiety.

“Bruno! I-I didn’t mean to do this!” Her familiar clouds began to form over the two of them once more, already beginning to sprinkle but getting even harder.

As he finally was able to pull himself back together, he looked back at her, voice hoarse, “C-can we please continue this elsewhere, before you turn my room into quicksand?”

He gestured up to her clouds, worried that a storm would be on the way and that a large amount of water in his sand would leave the room unwalkable for quite some time. She looked up with wide eyes, then back at him before nodding. She quickly picked him up and carried him out of the room to his own protests. They headed towards her own room, which was better equipped to handle her different moods. He was deposited into a chair, before she ran off, coming back minutes later with what he recognized as one of Julieta's buñuelos as it was shoved into his mouth. The soreness in his throat and lungs cleared up.

Pepa sat down on her own bed near him. Her previous anger was near nonexistent at this point, a feeling of exhaustion sheeting in instead. The two sat in awkward silence for a few minutes, until she eventually decided to speak first, “I’m sorry.”

“I know you are.”

“I just saw my little girl crying and got so mad.”

“Yeah, you did. I knew you’d be coming as soon as I saw her vision.” He wouldn’t have been surprised if he had received an earful from her about the vision regardless of it having either a positive or negative result.

“She doesn’t need that kind of heartbreak already.”

“Well, it’s a possibility, not an inevitability,” he reminded her. Pepa knew well enough by now Bruno didn’t make things happen, and he hoped she could understand people could make their own choices and paths despite the information given to them. He wasn’t so sure she could get that while her mind was still clouded with worry for her daughter.

“I just hate that she has Isabela to compare herself to now too because of this.”

“About that,” he redirected the conversation slightly, aware of his own sister’s insecurities, “She definitely wasn’t upset with Isa through all this. You made that comment? About Julieta?”

“I don’t wanna talk about that…”

“You don’t have to with me, but maybe it’s something you need to discuss with Julie?”

Pepa shook her head, “I can’t. Not her fault I always felt second best compared to her. Not fair to her.”

“And the sandstorm I was just on the receiving end of was?”

Pepa’s face grew even more guilty at that.

“They’re your feelings. You are allowed to feel them. And talking about them could make those feelings turn into better ones, rather than natural disasters.”

“I hate when you’re right. Doesn’t mean I’ll listen though.”

“Yeah I know you won’t,” he acknowledged, shaking his head as he knew his sister would fall back into old habits of pushing down her feelings.

Pepa playfully pushed her brother at the comment, careful not to actually hurt him, and he pushed right back. She got a playful look in her eye, finally brightening up after the whole situation, but before she could react he was already up and running out her door. She chased him down only to find him stopped outside of Isabela’s bedroom, gesturing for her to listen with him. Placing an ear against the door, she could hear the two girls playing, already energetic and giggling with one another. Dolores had already bounced back as if the earlier tears had never happened. Pepa smiled at her brother, mouthed a quick “thank you”, and knew in her heart that whatever happened going forward, her little girl was going to be okay.

[whoistheasshole]

How do I get out of this unsatisfying life I’m living?

Anonymous asks: So the thing is that I feel incredibly stuck - I have all the basics of life which I'm grateful for but also that was my BIG dream as a kid, to get tf out of my parents' house - but now I have that and idk what to do for the rest of my life. Like, if I try those "visualize your future" things I'm just like, "I'd like to sleep for a month, maybe longer" & it feels like I don't really WANT anything so I can't plan, you know? Just flailing here honestly. Pretty tired of it.

I wrote back: I got your question. To pinpoint my answer a little better, can you tell me about your current situation, like how long has it been since you moved out? Which are the things you have in order to your satisfaction? Some vague idea of your age range would also be helpful, but I can work without it too if you’d rather not share.

Anonymous answered: Ah, sorry. I was trying to fit in the character limit & also whenever I think about this my mind just goes flbbbbth. It's been about 5 years? That's about the only thing I'm truly HAPPY about, I'm not thrilled with my social/love life, career, etc & have pretty much been just coasting tbh. I'm almost 30. Thanks for entertaining this.

Alright, thanks for adding some background. I will come at this from different angles and you can pretty much pick and choose what sounds helpful and leave the rest, okay?

First, while there are people who have it all figured out, methodically planning their next career step or fully certain that there is no greater joy than raising a child, there are tons of other people who just, to quote, go „ flbbbbth“ when asked about their next steps or, god forbid, their life plan. I would say I fall in the latter camp, but I don’t mind because I think there is nothing wrong with that. I let myself be guided by the things I need to be happy (more on that later) and by current necessities – if my job becomes shit, I need to find a new job. If a friendship goes sour, I need to end it respectfully. But I couldn’t tell you specific career or personal goals, except...

... let’s talk about the „later“ now.

I’m an organizer, maybe even a worrier, and therefore I like lists. And for that reason I made a list a while ago that I still have and expect to keep for a long time. It is a list of everything that I need to be satisfied with my life. It consists of 29 entries and has three of them checked, though several others could be counted as half-checked. I wrote down everything that came to mind, paying no attention whether it was reasonable or feasible to want. That wasn’t the question.

It covers stuff like a clean flat (not checked), restful sleep (not checked), friends that I see regularly (checked) or a job with purpose (not checked). This list is my guide. Well, generally my needs are my guide, but it can be hard to be aware of your needs sometimes, so I got this list. And if I wonder what I need or want to focus on, I can turn to it and choose one of the entries and see what I can do about it. I can also look over the list every few years and see if things have developed in the right direction. Little progress is no reason to chastise myself, but helpful information to see whether I need to re-direct my focus.

Please note that I wrote „satisfied“, not „happy“. Being happy is a passing emotional state. It is completely normal and okay not to be happy all the time. But quiet satisfaction with where you are or where you are going, that is pretty achievable. It certainly is a process, but an enjoyable one.

This list is not a race and it is not really a to-do list because most of the things I wrote down aren’t easy to accomplish with a single action. They take months and years and, for some items, I can only try and hope it works out some day (see anybody who ever purposely looked for a partner).

So maybe this kind of list could be an exercise for you. Maybe it provides you with some insight, maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it’s not the right point in your life. But if you sit down and the only thing you can come up with is „cry forever“ or „sleep forever“ then, you know, that’s a sign.

Which brings me to my next point: Journaling or automatic writing. This method is especially helpful for those „I feel some kind of way and I couldn’t even tell you how“ moments – so maybe exactly where you are right now. Captain Akward has introduced me to a website called „750 words“ and I’ve used the principle of „morning pages“, though not the website, since then whenever I felt like some emotions were starting to boil over.

I sit down, ideally in the morning, and just barf it all on the (digital) page. There are only two rules: 1) Don’t edit or judge yourself, write everything as it comes to mind (that’s the automatic writing part) and 2) Don’t stop before you’ve reached 750 words. You are not looking to write anything readable or clever or lyrical, you’re looking to get all the weirdness out so you can move on. Repeat this as many days as you feel queasy or weird or confused or angry or sad. Each day, as soon as you’ve reached the 750 words, you can walk away. Heck, you could even delete/burn the document if that feels right. It’s just about giving your thoughts the room they need so you can continue with your day, hopefully feeling somewhat relieved.

While we’re at writing, I also have a question for you: Where is the pressure coming from to „do something with your life“? Is it truly coming from inside you or are there outside factors? Are people in your life asking you when you’ll have kids? Do you live in a culture where it’s expected that everybody does something of note, works certain prestigious jobs? Do you compare yourself to the people around you and feel like you’re „late“?

Maybe mull this over on a leisurely walk or write about it, using the method above. No matter where it’s coming from, the feeling of pressure won’t go away just by knowing its origin, but the knowledge can help you keep it under control. And if you find it is truly your own wish, you will have tools to shape your life according to your needs.

So, next, sleep: Maybe do that?

You wrote "I'd like to sleep for a month, maybe longer". I understand this was half a joke, but also … it was probably more than a joke.

How are your energy levels? How does life feel? Are you trying to jog through jello most of these days?

If we’ve been overachievers or had a tough home life or needed to take care of ourselves pretty early, we can become accustomed to everything being difficult. This feeling and behavior can become a way of life, even when circumstances change and we have a chance to act differently.

Do you feel rested? Do you have regular moments of quiet in your life that let you breathe? If not, this is where I would start. Forget about lists, though morning pages might be a helpful accompanying tool (if they don’t become a task to punish yourself with if you don’t find the energy).

Take some weeks or months, maybe even a year to make rest your priority. You will have to find a way that works for you. Yes there is a lot of clinically proven stuff out there, but you will not see me do yoga or meditate. Though feel free if that’s up your alley. If you love cycling or taking photos or drawing or just plain lying on your bed and staring at the wall, see where you can add more of that to your day. Whatever brings you closer to yourself and makes you feel like you can exhale and stand still for a moment, that’s the way to go. Do this as long as sleeping seems like a fine choice. And for good measure maybe a month longer. You are ready to stop when you cannot wait to do something else goddamnit I’m bored!!! (you might say)

If you are in this picture, please start here. Any kind of life plan, next steps, strategizing, solving of riddles would set you back and perpetuate your exhaustion. Rest is not time wasted, rest is how you get your life back.

If you are in this picture, you will likely find that if you really pull through, if you truly rest, as long and boring or even scary as it may be, the other questions will probably have an intuitive answer afterwards. Not like „this is my 20-year career plan“, but „I feel like doing x this week“. And that is enough. Because you won’t need to strain to hear your needs through the fog of exhaustion anymore.

Finally, some practical information and links for when you do have the energy and inclination to tackle your job and social life. I am not saying you need to change anything if that’s not what you want to focus on. These are just some tips, in case they become relevant.

For your social life, I recommend what others have recommended before me: Pick an activity that you do with other people and stick with it long enough to become a familiar face, see also here and here (yes, meeting gay people is similar to meeting other people). If you try out new stuff, go there at least 5 or 6 times before you decide it’s not for you – of course assuming nothing bad is coming up like racist or abusive people in the group. Shop around if the first group/activity doesn’t work for you until you find something that you’d like to do permanently. Maybe you’ll gain some friends, maybe you’ll find a romantic opportunity. In any case, if it’s something fun that you like to do anyway, you will have found an outlet with a social group attached. It is absolutely not as easy right now, with Covid and all, but if nothing outdoors-y comes to mind, you could also use this time to brainstorm what sounds like fun for when things are safer again.

Of course you can also look at opportunities online, like Discord servers, online interest groups etc but I do understand if that’s just not appealing right now. I am certainly over sitting in front of a screen.

To round this up, don’t sneeze at contacts that you already have. Are there acquaintances, friends of friends, colleagues, family members who you would like to get to know better? Then go do that! Suggest a time and place to meet up and see how they react. Say yes to the potential friends.

Speaking of which...

The Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes might also be interesting. Sure, it’s a little pop culture positive thinking kinda stuff, but I did like the impulse it gave me to consider when I say no to opportunities out of anxiety or worry. It made me accept some social invitations from colleagues (… in the before times) that I would not have otherwise considered. I did not gain life-long friends, but I did learn another valuable info: That my FOMO wasn’t justified for these events ;)

It also lead me to the decision to do one new thing every month – visit a new place or try a new activity or cook a new food. If the concept sounds appealing, just think about what sounds interesting and achievable to you.

And finally, the advice blog recommendations that I’ll always have. For social life, love life, and general life planning turmoil: Captain Awkward. For everything job-related, including how to write a good cover letter or interview well and, of course, how to get out of the dreaded current job you have: Ask A Manager.

To sum it up:

1) Figure out if you even have the energy to tackle any of this right now.

2) Figure out your pillars for a satisfying life – nothing big and shiny, just … basic needs, wishes, social needs.

3) When you feel like it, pick what you want to tackle next and see where it leads you.

4) Stay flexible. This is your life and it’s okay to go where it takes you, even if it doesn’t look „cool“ or „impressive“ from the outside. All you need is to make it your own.

And if you want to, let me know how it goes some time. :)

[batmansymbol]

fellow ADHD/chronic sleep issue friends: try SleepTown

Hey everybody! Sorry for the long post, but I wanted to spread the good word of this app, which has actually, legitimately changed my life. (this post isn’t sponsored lmao i wish)

I’ve had sleep problems for half my life. Around 8th grade, I lost the ability to make myself shut down for the night. I’d sit in front of devices, wanting to stop working or studying or messing around on the internet, but I couldn’t make myself. This was about ten years before I learned what “executive dysfunction��� was, and about 13 years before I got diagnosed with ADHD, go figure.

So, when I was a student, I’d pass out at 4 AM, then wake up every morning feeling like I’d been hit by a truck. It was a running joke in college how I would sleep in public places, trying to snatch 15-minute naps here and there because of exhaustion.

After college, it got worse. I’m self-employed, so I stopped waking up in the morning at all. I worked until later and later times, until 3, 5, 7 AM. I woke up at 2 PM, then 4, then 6. Eventually, fully nocturnal and trying to reset my inner clock, I’d pull all-nighters and try to stay awake through the following days. Then I’d pass out for 14 hours, after being awake for 30 hours straight. Rinse, repeat, for years.

Due to sleep issues, I have: nearly driven off the road in high school, dropped classes in college, fallen into depressive episodes, developed a Vitamin D deficiency, gone days without eating, and lost friendships due to self-isolation. It’s been a blast!

I tried so many things to fix the constant grogginess, fatigue, and messed-up schedule. I tried a sleep study at the hospital, repeated blood tests to check for hypothyroid or anemia etc., melatonin, Zzzquil/other sleeping pills, the “multiple non-phone alarm clocks” strategy, a light-emitting alarm clock, and about six different apps, including that one that makes you solve math problems to shut the alarm off.

There’s one called Sleep Cycle that’s pretty good at what it does - it helped me feel less groggy when I woke up - but within a few days of starting it, I was back on my bullshit.

Then, about a month and a half ago, I downloaded an app called SleepTown. It costs two dollars. The concept: you set a goal for your nightly sleep parameters (mine is 12:15 PM to 8:45 AM). Before you go to bed, you hit the Sleep button.

After you hit Sleep, a construction site pops up and begins to build a cute cartoon building like the one above! If you leave the app after pressing Sleep, or if you don’t press Sleep before your bedtime, then the building is destroyed, leaving a sad-looking demolition project :(

So, you have to leave your phone alone. The next morning, the alarm goes off as scheduled. When you press “Wake Up,” and shake the phone for a minute to prove you are awake, the cute cartoon building will be completed and added to your Sleep Town! This is mine so far:

The app has various game-like features. You don’t know which building you’re going to get every night, so when you wake up, it’s like unwrapping a present. There are dozens of cute buildings to unlock, and achievement badges like building every kind of tent. Every seven days you meet your goal, you get a red ticket to help unlock a rare building (like the red-roofed library in the picture above).

There’s also a simple social feature. The pyramid in the pic is from me being in a Sleep Circle with a friend, meaning we have the same bedtime goals. This would be especially good for a couple who’s trying to get more regular sleep.

Despite the gamelike feel, though, it’s not an addictive app. It’s not designed to keep you fiddling around with it all the time and waste more time on your phone. It’s just gamelike enough to create a really good carrot/stick balance. Most sleep-related apps are only the stick, featuring louder or more relentless alarms - but that doesn’t make you excited to go to sleep on time.

This app makes sleeping feel like a fun, purposeful activity. I want to see which building I get, and it makes me really happy to see this town that I’ve been constructing through taking care of myself. And I don’t want to “let down” a building by destroying it.

It’s borderline ridiculous how dramatically my entire life has changed. Excepting a couple times I’ve stayed up for a social situation, I haven’t been awake past 1 a.m. for six weeks. I cannot believe how good I feel. I eat regularly. I have a meal plan and a calendar. I have hobbies and a work-life balance and I stick to (virtual, covid-responsible) hangouts that I make with friends.

It’s not totally failsafe. You CAN lie to the app and press “Sleep” while continuing to do things (except your phone, which will be locked down). I tried to do this a couple times. But I wound up feeling guilty about lying, because it felt stupid to want this little reward when I hadn’t actually met my goals.

In the same way, you CAN technically hit “Wake Up” and go back to sleep, but the shake-awake feature helps with that. I’d like it if they added something even more aggressive, like a step counter or something that won’t count you as Woken Up until you’ve taken 20 steps around your house or similar.

As it is, though -- I'm still groggy when I wake up at 8:45, but 1) keeping a regular schedule has lessened the grogginess and 2) when I wake up, I know for a fact I’ve gotten 7-8 hours of sleep the night before and I’ll feel fine in half an hour. So, in order to push past the groggy phase, I usually play a few chess puzzles on my phone or do a crossword, and by then I’m awake enough to get up.

I doubt this app will work for everyone, but I wanted to share it in case there is anyone else out there like me. Hope y’all are hanging in there, and happy sleeping :)

[shaekingshitup]

MIRACLES HAPPEN

DAY ONE: TANGERINE

A/N: Y’ALL! I WAS DUPED! @teakturn puts out a 25 Days of Christmas every year and my dumbass said I would do it too. But I decided to add a little diversity to the culture and we’re doing a Chrismukkah adventure this year on this blog! This is picking up after this request that I got earlier this year. None of this shit is proofread because I am literally just writing by the seat of my pants so read at your own discretion. I will probably end up rewriting this entire mini series in the future. But enjoy it now. If you wanna be tagged, lmk! Also, I know that in In Sight I said there was a cure for COVID. Swap that out for a vaccine y’all. Viruses can’t be cured. 

Word Count: 2300 

DAY ONE: TANGERINE

December 18, 2022

“Baby you ready?!” Tre called into the house as reached into the basket on his way to the garage. He came up empty handed for the keys to his Lexus. Opening the door to the garage, he saw Sol sitting in the passenger seat of the running car. 

Tre walked over to his baby as Sol smirked at him. 

“You late again,” she said. 

“I’m never late,” Tre said opening the door and climbing in,  “You just early as always,” he shot back as he put the car in reverse. Sol playfully rolled her eyes. After two years of being together, this was always their running joke. The first time they’d met, she’d been pacing back and forth awaiting his arrival. Even after finding their own groove, she still found herself being the one waiting for him- but, he always made it worth it so it was hard for her to complain.

Tre pulled out of the driveway and clicked the remote to shut the door. Out of instinct, his hand went to Sol’s thigh when he put it in drive. “Did you grab my yarmulke?” Tre asked as he threw her a glance. 

“Please don’t insult me. This ain’t my first feast Nemo.” the indignant manner which she spoke had her and Tre struggling to keep in their bouts of laughter. “Yes, baby. They’re in the backseat.” 

“Good. Good. What’s the other name for them again?” Tre asked as he merged onto the nearly empty highway. A five a.m call time could be a blessing and a curse. 

“Kippah” is the Hebrew word for the male cap and “kippot” is the Hebrew word for the female cap.” Sol answered on autopilot as she mused on their situation. She was still taken aback that they’d been contacted by Black Juice to begin with. She’d been following them ever since they’d done that feature with Drake talking about how his own Jewish faith influenced his career path. Although she wasn’t as active in her Jewish faith as she’d wished she’d been in recent years it was still a huge victory to be acknowledged by the leading Black Jewish media network. Okay so maybe they were the only Black Jewish media network. But that definitely meant they were in the lead! She wasn’t stupid to think that this kind of opportunity would have come without Trevante in her life. But, she wasn’t gonna knock it either. 

This 8 Days of Miracles was the perfect task she needed as she figured out what the next step was for her career. Now that she’d finally finished her academic portion of her career she wasn’t sure how to proceed. So throwing herself into this project and hosting both her family and Tre’s for the holidays was the best distraction she could ask for. This time always gave her hope and made her realize that any kind of bullshit she’d put up with wasn’t in vain. It was her annual reset. New Year’s be damned. It also made her feel closer to her father and there wasn’t anyone in this world she’d loved more. At least that’s what she’d thought. She felt pressure on her thigh from the number one contender for her heart as Tre gave her a slight squeeze. 

“What’s on ya mind Sunshine?” Sol looked down at his hand and couldn’t help but cheese. She still beamed every time he called her by that nickname. 

“I was thinking about my dad and how proud he’d be to see me reppin his faith,” Sol said absentmindedly touching her necklace. Tre listened attentively as he grazed his thumb against her thigh in a gentle motion. “ I mean, I don’t know if he could have known that all of the years he instilled in us the value of miracles when we were children we’d still be celebrating Hanukkah after he was gone.” 

“I’m sure he didn’t know.” Tre started out slowly. He honestly wasn’t even sure if she’d finished her thoughts, “But, he probably hoped you would.” The phone rang as they turned off the street and into the lot. “STEPH 👷🏿‍♀️💪🏿” flashed across the Caller ID on his dashboard. Tre clicked the answer button on his steering wheel as Sol handed him his badge to show to Nico, the Security Attendant. 

“We’re at Security Steph,” Tre answered as he nodded at Nico. 

“Okay good. I just wanted to make sure we were starting the day off on time.” Tre and Sol shared a glance. 

“Woman don’t start with me. Call time is 5 and it’s 4:39. We don’t play that late shit over here and you know it.

“Well,  I also grabbed your favorite donuts from Craft Services so no one else would steal them and I wanted to know how long I had to hoard them for your ungrateful self. I can put them back if you’d like sir,” 

“Steph. You can ignore Tre.” Sol chimed in. “We appreciate you and will be walking in the door in exactly 2 minutes. Tre is parking as we speak. We’ll see you soon.”

“Tre, you lucky you have her. Keep her if you want to keep the best managent in town. Bye y’all!!” Steph sang as she hung up. Sol let out a cackle because Steph refused to be referred as anything other than a managent as Tre stood there dumbfounded at how he was being left out to dry. But he knew better than to go against two black women before he’d even finished his morning coffee. He just hopped out the whip and opened Sol’s door so she could do the same. 

Once they’d gotten their morsels of food, gone through hair and makeup and snapped a few photos for Black Juice and their own social media accounts, they were back on the road headed deeper into LA. They had a cameraman in the backseat filming their every move, one car guided them to their location and another followed them as they maneuvered through the cars that were poppin up for their morning commutes. Sol was on her IG live and answering any questions that popped up about where they were headed and her Hanukkah festivities. She watched as the number quickly jumped from 5,000 viewers to 13,000 and counting. She wasn’t sure what this many people were doing up at this hour but she wasn’t complaining. Tre’s mama was of course one of them. He was a mama’s boy through and through and she was always there to support him at any opportunity she could. Sol made sure to greet her specifically. Tre bopped his head to some Jill Scott- being careful not to let his yarmulke fall. Sol sipped some hot cocoa from her thermos and sang off key with him. As soon as they turned on a residential street, she felt awash in a new warmth that the hot chocolate couldn’t touch. She shook Tre’s arm enthusiastically. 

“It’s time!!” she beamed, “Are you ready?!” Tre chuckled at her immediate change in attitude. The car in front was already parked and the camera crew was out on the sidewalk. 

“Yes Sol. I’m ready to spread some holiday cheer. Let’s go make somebody’s day he said. Before Tre could even put the car in park, she was reaching for the handle” 

“AHT AHT AHT” Tre barked out loud causing the cameraman man in the backseat to jump,“ Tre was already exiting the driver’s side and pointed his finger at her as he crossed in front of the car “Don’t even try it.” Sol rolled her eyes and pouted as she waited the few seconds for him to open her door. 

“Thanks Tre,” she stuck out her tongue. She was like a kid in a candy store and was ready to full out sprint to the front door. The IG live comments were flying. 

Okay Daddy Tre! I need a mans to talk to me like that. 🥵🥵

Did this man just bark at her? 🐶

Loook so long as he handles this backdoor he can open any other door that he pleases sis!

Y’all females is wylin as usual. 

Sol glanced at them. “Imma need y’all to stay out of grown folks’ business and just enjoy this holiday work we are puttin in okay” She handed her phone to another crew member and grabbed Tre’s hand to drag him to the front door. 

She pushed the button for the doorbell but no sound rang out. Tre gave three succinct raps on the door and heard someone rushing down the stairs. The door was flung open by a woman in black slacks and a blinding blue polo emblazoned with a nametag that ironically labeled this young woman as “Tangerine”. She couldn’t be more than 25 years old and the toddler saddled on her hip only added to her youthful appearance. 

“Hi Tangerine,” Tre began, “My name’s Trevante and this is Sol,” he gestured to Sol at his side. 

“Hi?” Tangerine answered confused at this couple and the cameras that followed them. 

“We’re here today with Black Juice, a local Black organization that highlights the experience of the Black Jewish community and we’re doing 8 Days of Miracles,” 

“Okay..” Tangerine said not sounding any less confused. “ I’m not Jewish.”  Sol took over as she could tell that Tre’s efforts weren’t getting them anywhere.

“We’re here because your friend Kira sent in a letter telling us about  how great of a mother you are. She said that you’ve been working two jobs here to support you and your daughter.” At this, Sol smiled at the baby, “She told us that the second job you have is for daycare expenses alone.  We wanted to come out here today and let you know that we see what you do and how hard you go to make sure you give your daughter the best. So, we wanted to help you out and give you this. “ Tre gave her the envelope he had in his hand. It read “Day 1: Tangerine”

Tangerine took the envelope as Tre explained. “We’ve paid for your daughter’s child care for the next two years so you can give yourself a break.” She opened the envelope to see the receipt from Tiny Tots Kindercare and didn’t even know what to do. 

“I don’t know what to say.” She paused for a moment as what this truly meant registered in her mind. “I can quit this job and actually spend more time with my baby and focus on my candles.” 

“Your candles?” Sol asked. 

“Yeah. I make candles by hand. I took a few classes and have played with a few scents. Some friends have asked me to make them some and I’ve been waitin to be a little more secure with my money before I start at it.” she answered exhaling deeply. 

“Do you have any candles right now?” Tre asked peeking a little further in her apartment. Sol slapped his arm. 

“Could you be any nosier?” she chastised with love. 

“Yeah I have some. Do you mind holding Layla?” she asked but she practically threw the child into Sol’s arms as she ran to grab her stash of candles. Sol put on her sweetest voice and spoke to Layla about how old she was and if she liked her friends at daycare. When her mom came back Sol could see the sheer joy that she had when showing off her handiwork. 

Tangerine went through all six of her candles and their various scents with them and by the end Tre had bought each one. She was floored and couldn’t do anything but cry at the way her morning was turning around. It wasn’t even 7:30 and she’d already gotten 2 years of childcare, a reason to quit her grocery store job and someone who actually wanted to buy her candles. 

Before they left, Tre made her promise to hit him up when her site and IG were live so he could get more candles and share it with all of his friends. Sol returned Layla to her mother saying her goodbyes and grabbed Tre’s hand to head back to car. She leaned on his shoulder and he could see the contentment in her eyes. Sol almost forgot her phone before a crewmember handed it back. 

She came back to the IG Live trying not to get too emotional. “Look at that y’all! Day one of Hanukkah is off to a start and we’ve already proved that miracles happen! Y’all better stay tuned in over the next week so you can see who we pop in on next. You never know if it could be you! Thanks to Black Juice for giving us this opportunity to turn someone’s ordinary day into something smile about. Y’all betta check them out so you can see the full footage of what we’ve got goin on! Bye y’all!

“Bye y’all!” Tre called out. They answered a few more questions with Black Juice, said their goodbyes and climbed back into their car. 

“Can we go back to bed now?” Tre asked as he pulled back onto the main road and his hand founds Sol’s thigh again. Sol laughed. 

“I mean if that’s what you prefer we can. I had some other things in mind.” she suggested. 

Tre raised his eyebrow. “I swear you see one baby and you always go 0 to 100”

“Look, I just believe in practicing all aspects of having a child! Even the making part.” 

Tre threw his head back laughing. “I’m wit it babygirl”

DING! 

“That’s me” Sol said. She looked at her phone screen. A text from “Mama Rhodes” popped up.  She’d sent some Pinterest looking bible verse again. 

This was the third one this week. It dampened her mood immediately and caused her to groan. The text read: 

Seeing you with that little girl made me so happy for the good Christian grandbabies that you and Tre will be blessing me with in the future. I thank Jesus for the miracle of you and my baby everyday XO. 

“Tre, I got another one from your mom. When are you gonna talk to her?” 

Tre sighed. “I promise. I’ll talk to her soon and it will definitely be before your Chrismukkah Extravaganza. Don’t sweat it baby.” 

Sol did her best not to think about how pushy his mother was being about this raising Christan grandbabies nonsense ever since they announced they’d be partnering with Black Juice. All she could do is trust Tre and do what she was best at: wait. 

---------------

@ghostfacekill-monger @thadelightfulone

[ninjafairy86]

On Writing Tomione: An Introspect

I’m not one to get involved in fandom discourse (which I don’t really count this as discourse), because I typically couldn’t be bothered. Everyone has their opinions and I’m not out there trying to change minds on a topic if I don’t agree with it (or further discussing said topic if I do agree with it), because I respect their differing views.

It’s no secret, that for roughly the last two years, I have fallen out of the Tomione ship/fandom. Yeah, I still like the idea of Tomione. But I find it nearly impossible to read and write it now. I could NOT figure out why, for the life of me. Was it because of my busy schedule? Depression? Anxiety? Writer’s Block? (Which I do not believe exists, but we’ll sit on that egg and hatch it another day.)

Yeah, I’ve been busy with my personal life. I dealt with toxic family drama that I got my son and I out of earlier this year. COVID-19 happened. I started a new job teaching in a public school during this god forsaken pandemic - in fucking Florida, of all places. (I’m sure most of you know how Florida is handling that bullshit - don’t even get me started. Thank God I have an amazing principal. Anyway). I tried dating during a pandemic as a single mother in her mid-30′s on dating apps (In which I was harshly reminded that most men are trash. 1 out of 5 stars. Would not recommend.).

But while reading a lot of (too much, lol) Zutara fic, I realized something about my own Tomione fics and why I have spent so much time staring blankly at my empty Word document for the next chapter of Fostering a Nightmare: I was guilty of hard-core romanticizing Tom Riddle.

Everything I wrote was about him. Everything was experienced through him, even from Hermione’s perspective. Sure, most versions of fanfiction Tom Riddle, he is a narcissist or a sociopath or whatever other neurological diagnosis you want to slap on his forehead. That’s all fine and dandy, I enjoy writing characters who have mental illness, but I discovered that I am disgusted by the way I’ve written him in some of my stories and that is why I’m having struggles with getting back into the ship as a writer. I’m also disgusted by the way other authors write him sometimes (no offense to any of you - write him however you want. I’m not saying you are wrong or telling you how to write him), and I just want him to get his comeuppance and fucking die by Hermione’s hands in every damn story, including most of my own.

Another problem I realized: I made Hermione passive often without even realizing it. Here I was, thinking I was writing this strong female character, when, - hah - newsflash, you dumb bitch, I was not. Sure, there were times when I thought I was, but I wasn’t - not really. (The only fic I feel like Hermione is genuinely strong is in my pirate au, but that Tom is rather tame and not abusive).

So, I thought to myself: I love the premise of my fanfics. Maybe I could rewrite them and change the writer’s tone, the storytelling, and the interactions between characters. Tom can still be an asshole, but it will be obvious that he is an asshole. I will not romanticize him via my writing (he can romanticize himself all damn day long, if he wants). Hermione will not be passive in whatever relationship they have. Maybe, if I do this, I will feel inspired to write Tomione again.

But, ya’ll, holy shit balls. Have you ever looked at your writing from years ago and thrown up in your mouth a little bit? Like, straight up acid reflux? lmao I’m daunted by the task and I have no idea where to start. I’m not even sure if I even want to.

I wasn’t planning on welcoming discussion on this topic, but I’m curious to hear your thoughts. Am I alone in feeling this way?

[sytycdinternational]

Eurovision 2021 pre-show ranking #26 - #1

I know the rehearsals are already out but I’m not gonna take them into account for this ranking since I might as well just do a ranking of the actual broadcasted live performances then. Ideally the following songs would be part of my dream final on Saturday. #39-#25

26. VICTORIA - Growing Up Is Getting Old - Bulgaria 🇧🇬: I begrudgingly accept Victoria's decision choosing this over "imaginary friend" (she seemed to have visible troubles singing it live after all) but gosh, it’s kind of hard for me to warm up to this. "imaginary friend" figuratively moved me to another plane of existence. I do think this song has the perfect set up for some amazing staging. (2020/2021)

25. Blind Channel - Dark Side - Finland 🇫🇮: Yesss Finland, give me that darkness. I wish I could unhear the lyrics tho because it’s teetering pretty close to edge territory. Okay, I guess it has crossed that threshold long ago, but still, rock songs are a rarity on this show that I will cherish no matter their flaws. (2020/2021)

24. Hurricane - LOCO LOCO - Serbia 🇷🇸: They’ve come to slay like a tropical weather phenomenon. I can already see the shreds of their fellow competitors lining their path. (2020/2021)

23. Blas Cantó - Voy A Quedarme - Spain 🇪🇸: It took a tone-downed, more intimate acoustic version for  this me to connect with this song, but somehow it managed to flip a  switch and now I get incredibly emotional even when I listen to the  official version. I’d definitely prefer the acoustic version to be performed on the actual show though. (2020/2021)

22. Jeangu Macrooy - Birth Of A New Age - The Netherlands 🇳🇱: The lyrics feel refreshingly meaningful. It fills me with real warmth and good vibes as a whole. (2020/2021)

21. Anxhela Peristeri - Karma - Albania 🇦🇱: Albania is bringing drama and I’m living for it. Very effective revamp to make the song more memorable. (2020/2021)

20. Samanta Tina - The Moon is Rising - Latvia 🇱🇻: What’s up with that dreadful “eh EH eh EH” background track?? It’s driving me up the wall. Still, I’m floored by Samanta’s powerful vocals. It’s a pity the final misses the actual blood moon occurence, the lunar ecplise on May 26 by a few days. Oh well, it’s not like it can be seen from Europe this time anyway. (2020/2021)

19. The Roop - Discoteque - Lithuania 🇱🇹: The Roop really took their song from last year and turned it dark and in order to balance it out they changed the colors of their outfits to bright yellow. During all this some of the hypnotic qualities of “On Fire” was lost but the new song is still lots of quirky fun. (2020/2021)

18. Ana Soklič - Amen - Slovenia 🇸🇮: Simply glorious. What a woman, what a voice. The way the song develops is bombastic. (2020/2021)

17. Natalia Gordienko - SUGAR - Moldova 🇲🇩: The refrain and the rest of the song sound so mismatched to me lol. Still, the contrast between the bright sugary visuals and somewhat darkish, even sinister tone of the music is doing it for me. (2020/2021)

16. Montaigne - Technicolour - Australia 🇦🇺:  I can’t stand “Don’t Break Me”, so Montaigne doing a 180 degree turn  was well appreciated. This sounds sooo difficult to sing so total props  for that. Hope she nails it during the liveshows. (2020/2021)

15. Lesley Roy - Maps - Ireland 🇮🇪: This gives me enough energy to travel the Irish plains all on my own. Gosh, I miss travelling. (2020/2021)

14. The Black Mamba - Love Is On My Side - Portugal 🇵🇹: Never got the hype  for “Dancing in the Stars“, so if Portugal had to send a song in English  I’m glad it ended up being this one. I love Tatanka’s raspy voice and  the song just oozes style as a whole. I was surprised how bittersweet the lyrics actually are after listening more closely and that makes me like it even more. (2020/2021)

13. Måneskin - Zitti E Buoni - Italy 🇮🇹: F*CK ME UP. I have high hopes for you, Italy. Also  I’m totally over the fact that Irama was not able to perform live on  San Remo this year due to Covid-related issues and thus surrendered any  realistic chances of "La genesi del tuo colore" taking the win and  competing on ESC, I swear I am *sobs* (2020/2021)

12. Daði og Gagnamagnið - 10 Years - Iceland 🇮🇸: That bait and switch at the start kills me. I also unironically like this a lot more than “Think About Things”. (2020/2021)

11. Manizha - Russian Woman - Russia 🇷🇺:  Are my ears deceiving me? A Russian entry that is NOT an inoffensive  pop ballad in English playing it totally safe? I guess Little Big for  2020 was not an anomaly after all. I LOVE the traditional-sounding  chanting used for the chorus and the energy is infectious. (2020/2021)

10. Efendi - Mata Hari - Azerbaijan 🇦🇿: Another entry, another banger. I love her harsh pronounciation of the lyrics. (2020/2021)

9. Destiny - Je Me Casse - Malta 🇲🇹: Talk about a glow-up from last year. Malta is absolutely bringing the funk and the sass. (2020/2021)

8. Vasil - Here I Stand - North Macedonia 🇲🇰:  This song is FEELINGS and I totally feel it! Ugh, I’m such a softie for  heartfelt, breaking-down-your-emotional-walls-type of songs. (2020/2021)

7. Eden Alene - Set Me Free - Israel 🇮🇱:  The revamp catapulted this song from the very bottom of my list to this  spot. It’s little things like the inflection after “on my own” among  others that make this song such a joy to listen to. So many little  details to explore. (2020/2021)

6. Elena Tsagrinou - El Diablo - Cyprus 🇨🇾:  Another year, another powerhouse of a song by Cyprus. This is my favorite by far out of the last few years though, even surpassing  “Fuego”, judging alone by the song itself. The drop literally takes my breath away. (2020/2021)

5. Albina - Tick-Tock - Croatia 🇭🇷: Who knew Croatia would deliver the catchiest beat this year? (2020/2021)

4. Stefania - Last Dance - Greece 🇬🇷:  Say hello to Dua Lipa “Physical”’s long-lost sister. And just like the  former I have the latter playing non-stop. I have yet to get sick of it.  It gets me so pumped up, I love it. (2020/2021)

3. Gjon's Tears - Tout l’Univers - Switzerland 🇨🇭: Sensitive.  Sublime. Majestic. It was like witnessing the ocean at high and low  tide. At one moment deceivingly calm, the next I’m swept away by a  riptide of thundering sounds and delicious falsetto. (2020/2021)

2. Go_A - SHUM - Ukraine 🇺🇦: I literally spasmed out in ecstatic bliss when I first listened to this. I think it was some kind of combination of Kateryna's piercing vocals that strike right through my hear, the intoxicating ethnic elements and droning bass, all delivered at an ever increasing speed that drove me into a literal ethno-rave-fuelled frenzy. (2020/2021)

1. Barbara Pravi - Voilà - France 🇫🇷: The first time I saw Barbara’s national final performance I was transfixed. I was clinging to every word escaping her lips, my heart almost stopping at each moment my ears weren't filled with her angelic voice. I was flooded with all kinds of emotions, particularly with an existential longing for something I couldn’t possibly describe.  Excellent use of monochrome lighting and costumes as well which I’m sure was supposed to emulate the feeling of black-and-white films of the past. (2020/2021)

Predicting the results:

Qualifiers #1 Semi-Final:

Australia

Azerbaijan

Cyprus

Israel 

Lithuania

Malta

Norway

Russia 

Sweden

Ukraine

Belgium

Croatia

Ireland

North Macedonia

Romania

Slovenia 

Qualifiers #2 Semi-Final:

Albania 

Bulgaria

Finland 

Greece

Iceland 

Portugal

San Marino

Serbia

Switzerland

Austria 

Czech Republic

Denmark

Estonia

Georgia 

Latvia

Moldova 

Poland

[nakediconoclast]

About a certain livestock de-wormer...

Ivermectin

.

Before I even start this post, let me get the legal shit out of the way.I am not a doctor. I haven't even been to a doctor in over 5 years.I have no medical training except for maybe 100 hours of outdated first aid training when I was in the army 40 years ago and my First Sergeant needed a break from me.I am not a pharmacist, although back in the 1980s and 90s, I have dispensed dru..... Wait, I better leave that one alone.The point being, don't take my word for shit here. Do your own research. I'm going to refer to the drug as IM in this post because I don't want Google/Blogger taking my blog down or red-paging it for not toeing the party line. It is not my purpose to try to talk you into taking it any more than I'd try to talk you out of taking the vaccine if that's what you want to do. Your body, your choice.All I'm doing is making you aware of it if you haven't already checked it out, and to pass on my own experiences and thoughts. IM has been approved for use in humans, although it's more widely known as an parasitic medication for livestock.IM, sold under the brand name Stromectol among others, is a medication that is used to treat parasite infestations. In humans, this includes head lice, scabies, river blindness (onchocerciasis), strongyloidiasis, trichuriasis, ascariasis, and lymphatic filariasis. In veterinary medicine, it is used to prevent and treat heartworm and acariasis, among other indications. It can be taken by mouth or applied to the skin for external infestations.MORE Question: If it's already been proven safe for human use, why isn't there full speed ahead testing being done to see if it works for covid?Answer: Big Pharma. IM has been off patent for years and is dirt cheap. If it's found out to be effective for covid, guess who's profits are going to nosedive in that vaccine market? * Back a few weeks ago, a very good friend who shall remain nameless - fuck it, I'll out him, it was WiscoDave - initiated a conversation with me about IM and wanted to know if I had considered taking it to 1) prevent covid and 2) use it to cure covid if I were to contract it. Me, being invincible, said no, so he turned me onto a few links and pretty much left it at that.He's a sly devil - he knew I'd eventually get bored and read them. One of them concerned a study in India. As you may recall, there was a major outbreak a couple months ago and motherfuckers were dying like flies, then all of a sudden..... nothing.Why? Because they introduced IM. HERE is the link to the study in the first sentence of this paragraph.HERE is a 25 minute youtube video along the same lines. There's more out there if you take a few seconds to look them up. Okay, I read that, then I started digging and found more articles and videos on youtube, although youtube seems to be pulling a bunch of them if they even mention covid and IM.To make a long story short, I figured to give it a try. Hell, I never was shy about trying new drugs when I was younger, so it wasn't that big of a deal.My reasoning was this: While I may be invincible, my wife is not and with her health problems, she is one of those high risk people. She doesn't get out much, so about the only way she'd get it would be from me, so I needed to protect myself, but I really don't want to get vaccinated.Besides, I keep hearing about all the deaths and complications from taking the vaccines, but I've yet to hear about anybody dying from taking IM. On top of that, every day I read about fully vaccinated people being diagnosed with covid in spite of their precautions, so even if I got vaccinated, there's a good possibility that's not going to protect my wife from getting it. Wisco had also directed me to Ann Barnhardt's IM page HERE and told me to be sure that I read it - it tells you where to buy it, how to buy it, what kinds to buy (very important!) and dosage instructions. So, armed with that knowledge, I went into town to score some of this miracle drug in the liquid form. First stop was the Farmer's Co-op in town. There was none to be had and the old boy behind the counter said they can't keep it in stock for the past few months. That seemed a little weird seeing as I haven't noticed a massive influx of livestock around here lately - unless people are buying it up to use on themselves. Bubba also told me he couldn't guarantee a hold for me when it did come in, so I headed down to Tractor Supply. Once there, I couldn't find the liquid 1% solution so I asked one of the guys and immediately started getting the 3rd degree - just exactly what I did I want it for and shit like that, so I told him it was to worm a sick donkey. He went to the back to see if there was any there, but came back to tell me there was none in stock, so I asked him to order it for me. He hemmed and hawed around until the manager walked by and told him to order anything I wanted, with as much money as I've spent in that store, so he ordered a 50ml bottle for me and I got it 3-4 days later.While I'm on the subject of Tractor Supply, if you order something online from your home, YOU pay the shipping. If you have them order it for you, it ships to your address and shipping is free - something to keep in mind. Ten bucks is ten bucks. Anyways, after I got home and was re-reading Miss Ann's page, I realized I saw the 1.87% paste there at Tractor Supply, so I hustled back down there and scored a tube for about 8 bucks.Once I got it home, I figured to give it a whirl as a preventive measure, but I didn't want to use the liquid, figuring to hold off on that in case it became 'unavailable' in the future.Now Wisco had told me the paste tasted like ass, but what the fuck, I've eaten British food before. I ain't scared. Besides, this shit was apple flavored. So I took a piece of bread, squeezed out the recommended dose (I thought), put it on the bread, folded it over and wolfed it down. I got a very slight taste of bitter apple, so I shoveled in a load of Copenhagen and that was the end of that. Now, while IM in the liquid form is taken orally, it's drawn from the bottle and measured using a syringe which can be bought at Tractor Supply, livestock supply stores and even online at vet supply sites such as Chewy.com.In the liquid form and by using a little math, you can get the dosage down for your body weight pretty easily. Using the paste, the tube dispenses the doses in 50 kilogram increments for your body weight. Luckily, as I found out, it's pretty fucking hard to overdose yourself. As I was putting the tube away, I realized I had accidentally dosed myself with double the amount recommended for my weight. It's okay to round up - better a little too much than too little according to everything I had read, but damn, I really rounded up.Like I said, the shit measures out in 50 kilo increments for body weight and I did 3 clicks instead of 2. I weigh 170 pounds and took enough for a 330 pounder.I sat down and waited to die. What I got was a very slight headache and I do mean very slight - it wasn't even bad enough to require aspirin. I didn't even cop a buzz, damn it. Okay, that's my experience. Did I have any side effects? Nope.Did I get sick to my stomach? Huh-uh.Does my dick still get hard in the morning? Most of the time, but that's my age showing.Any frothing at the mouth? Only when I brush my teeth.Do my trigger fingers still work? Yes, praise the Lord.Any newfound empathy or tolerance for Biden? Fuck no.Do I have an urge to gallop in the pasture? What happens in that pasture is between me and God. Obviously, there's precautions.Ladies, you probably don't want to take it if you're pregnant or trying to get pregnant.If you're taking medication, you most definitely want to talk with your doctor first to see if there's going to be any kind of interactions. There's a website HERE that you can check, but I think I'd want to hear it from a doctor. How you word those questions is up to you, but if it was me I wouldn't ask IF I can take it, I'd let him or her know I was going to take it and what should I know. Okay, bottom line for me: Like I said earlier, I've heard of many, many cases of horrible side effects and even deaths from taking the vaccines, but I've yet to hear of anybody taking the correct dosage of IM having any adverse effects. I'm sure there's some out there, but if they were even remotely common, the FDA would be spreading those examples everywhere. Instead, they're putting out vague warnings like this HERE.Do I believe the hype about how deadly covid is for healthy people? No. But I do believe it can make you sicker than a dog, and I generally try to avoid shit like that. And again, I do have to protect my wife by protecting myself. With her health issues, death is a very real possibility. * So, if you are considering it, please go to Ann Barnhardt's page on the stuff and read it. Again, you'll find instructions on the kind to buy (they're not all the same), dosage, how to take it, and even a little video on how to use the paste.HEREIf you're concerned about the correct dosage, she addresses that as well.HERE

[bottlesandcats]

Pardon My 15x20 Rant

I woke up this morning with Thoughts, so time for a ranty post. Be prepared this is going to read more like word vomit than anything, but I just wanted to get my thoughts down on paper. No one may even read this bc I don’t have a lot of followers but it feels good to just get this off my chest and out into the Universe. Warning, there is a gratuitous use of caps.

So....I see so many fans on Twitter saying how beautiful and perfect that ending was and, I have to say, I’m truly bewildered by that.

 Even if you aren’t a Destiel fan, I’m not sure how you could’ve found that ending to be remotely satisfying. See list of non Destiel-related reasons below (bc I’m trying to see this from the perspective of someone who isn’t in that part of the fandom):

1. The MOW was crap; wtf was with the Halloween masks? When have we ever seen that with vamps? The dumbest shit I’ve seen. 

They trotted out some extra from season 1 like it’s supposed to be some fun little Easter egg. Why are we supposed to give a shit about her? I didn’t even remember her with the flashback. Who are you, again? NM, I DON’T CARE. It also honestly made no sense to feature a MOW episode after everything that just happened, it wasn’t necessary. It was clearly just a means to an end to get Dean killed.

2. They shoved some random family, for Sam, into the last ten minutes of the episode. Sam’s kid is named Dean? OF COURSE HE IS. And that whole father-son montage was so clunky and awkward, I would’ve been more convinced if you told me Sam actually just wandered into some anonymous woman’s backyard and started playing ball with her kid. 

We’ve seen how emotionally invested Sam gets in his relationships and we’ve had such beautiful moments: Sam/Jess, Sam/Madison, (even Sam/Ruby), and of course Sam/Eileen. And now we are supposed to care about Anonymous Brunette Woman #4? GTFO. I’ve seen some people saying they couldn’t get Shoshanna bc of COVID, but give us something to indicate it was Eileen. Have Sam sign something to her from across the yard; IT’S THAT SIMPLE. But no, not one single mention of her in either 19 or 20, after Sam nearly broke when he lost her in 18.

 I couldn’t even feel happy for him bc I had 0 emotional investment in this life of his. And it was all just rushed through so we could get to the “good part” where Sam dies and is reunited with Dean in Heaven. 

Also small note, what happened to Dean’s dog???

3. The wardrobe department really needs to reconsider some of their life choices. I’ve seen tufts of cat hair in the corners of my house that would’ve made a better wig than that rag they threw on Jared’s head. It was so ridiculous, I started thinking this was going to wind up being some big gag like The Mystery Spot” and The Trickster was going to pop out. 

And why did Jim Beaver’s beard look like they spray-painted cotton balls brown and glued them to his face? It was honestly distracting. 

4. After 15 years, and FINALLY achieving freedom and happiness, Dean gets taken down by a rebar and a Vamp-mime. The only way I could justify this to myself was that, now that they are no longer God’s puppets he’s not bending the rules for them and they don’t have that death-defying luck on their side now. But even that is weak. After all his fighting, sacrificing, and wanting nothing more than to chill on a beach with Sam and Cas, this is what he gets. This was a show about defying destiny, THAT WAS THE WHOLE PLOT OF S15.

 Dean always said he figured it was his destiny to die bloody, and that’s exactly why he shouldn’t have gone out this way. STORY ARC, WHAT’S THAT? Cas told Dean, when he first met him, that good things do happen. So basically, the only way Dean could get his happiness was to die? What a heart-warming message. 

5. Dean’s lack of emotion over the loss of Cas was the most OOC I think I’ve ever seen from him. Dean DOES NOT accept the deaths of those he loves in any way. He does not cope, he does not move on, he does not happily eat a bunch of pie. We’ve seen how Dean has handled Cas’s death in the past. It’s...not good, and it only became more unhealthy as the show progressed, with the last time (before 18) having Dean literally killing himself. Even in 15x19, we still got that desperate heartache from him with Dean demanding that Chuck bring Cas back. We also saw him sleeping amongst a pile of empty liquor bottles, which is very on-character for him. But in 15x20, he’s the one telling Sam they need to move on and keep living (oops) over a giant tray of pie slices at a county fair. Even Sam feels off. One minute he’s all “I’m sad about Cas and Jack” and the next he’s putting a pie in Dean’s face and is like “I feel better now!” You’ve got a direct in with God!Jack now, and we know from 15x19 that God can pull beings out of The Empty bc he did it with Lucifer! THAT WAS YOUR IN, YOU IDIOTS. You ask Chuck to bring back Cas, but not the one to whom he was a father to????????? 

6. Even if you weren’t a Destiel shipper, you should still be disappointed in the noticeable absence of Castiel, especially since he was left with such a cliffhanger of character development and was mentioned multiple times in episodes 19 and 20. He was a pivotal part of the show for 11 years. Even if you take out the Destiel stuff, the boys have called him their brother numerous times. Dean’s call him his best friend. Wouldn’t his ideal Heaven have his best friend in it?

7. I’m not going to rail on the scene between the brothers while Dean is dying. I didn’t really get Wincest vibes from it, though I never put much stock into that side of the fandom anyway. My one issue is this was the “love confession” moment they gave us. Dean dying in a barn and telling Sam he loves his baby brother. *SNORE*

8. The big reunion moment we were hoping for? They wasted it on Dean’s car. A FUCKING CAR. Yes, I get the Impala is important to the story, but come the fuck on. NO CHICK FLICK MOMENTS. MUCH BRO. 

All-in-all the whole ending felt like 1 step forward, and 15 years back. After all the character development and story arcs, it’s like they just threw it all out the window. Nothing changed. Everyone was back to where they started: Cas working for God, Dean being a good soldier and dying bloody doing the only thing he knows how to do, Sam being left to pick up the pieces with some distorted version of an apple pie life where he was basically just living to die so he could be with Dean again. I felt like the lesson was that the only way you get what you want is to die. It was gross. It was a disservice to the actors, the characters, and the fans. I can’t begin to even see this as fan-service bc I’d love to know who the TPTB thought they were serving with this garbage. And honestly, I don’t think they knew either. I feel like they were so worried about pissing off all the different subsets of the fandom that they went as safe as they could. *slow claps* Way to go, guys, really groundbreaking stuff.

At the end of the day though, it’s my fault for being disappointed. I shouldn’t have expected so much of a show that had mostly cis white men working behind the scenes. A show that’s killed almost every female character who stepped up to the plate (also, POC anyone? Nahhh). A show that took their one real LGBTQ character (also female), killed her and left her body in a bathtub (FRIDGING IS FUN) for absolutely no good reason. A show that, at the end of the day, is just a show about a couple bros who kill monsters, on the CW, and the CW is hardly the go-to place for real boundary-pushing content. A show that has managed to drop the ball at almost every opportunity though we, as a fandom, have continued to lower the bar for them.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 100 times? 

So with all that being said...

Peace out bitches.

[purplesurveys]

1159

survey by -egocentricity-

Describe the last time you...

Went swimming: It was in Nasugbu with Angela, Sofie, and Gab nearly a couple of years ago. We wanted to go to a nearby beach before the semester started, so we planned the trip at the last minute and literally just right after we enrolled for our classes.

Went on a date: It was at BGC at this nice, romantic French restaurant. Then as we headed back to the car we spotted a jazz bar that had a live band performing, so we took a detour there to have drinks and nachos.

Were hurt by someone you love: My mom says a lot of hurtful things all the time I’ve stopped keeping track of them and letting them affect me too much, but I’m sure she’s done it recently.

Did something nice for yourself: I got myself a night lamp to improve the ambience in my room and make it feel even more homey. The lamp I had before it was just something I borrowed from my parents and it had white light, so it didn’t feel the most calming. The one I have right now emits this soft yellow shade that makes me feel infinitely more relaxed.

Did something nice for someone else: I ordered KFC at like 1 AM last Wednesday because I was feeling hungry and there was nothing at home that could meet my cravings, and aside from getting orders for my parents I also got a Zinger for my delivery driver as a way to thank him and lift his spirits for working that late into the night.

Were injured: I always sport some sort of scratch or gash somewhere on my body these days from playing with Cooper. This morning I got a new wound on one of my knuckles since he was pulling on his leash way too hard when I was walking him.

Went to the hospital: I had to take blood and urine tests last May to figure out what was wrong with me since I had been sick for a week by that point. That was also during the peak of the pandemic, so there was a lot of anxiety about me catching Covid. It turned out to be a UTI, and even though that technically sucks the whole family was relieved it wasn’t Covid.

Understood something that previously confused you: I had my dad explain to me how buying and bidding for houses works. Hahaha I am sooooo not equipped to be a fully-functioning adult.

Faked sick to get out of going to class: I don’t think I ever did this. If I had wanted to skip class, I just skipped it.

Hung out with your friends: I went to Perfy’s with 7 friends shortly before it shut down for good as a result of the pandemic. We had some beer and bar chow, and to be completely frank it felt quite nice to have that one night where things felt normal again, as ignorant as it was. We vaped until we were dizzy and some of them smoked too much that the smell ended up clinging to me and my clothes, but luckily I got home when my whole family was already in their rooms so no one was able to smell me.

Met someone new: There’s this girl who recently got onboarded to one of our client brands and we started working with her about a week or two ago. She’s honestly been a bit over the place, but I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt because she’s fairly new at a particularly hectic time in her workplace. My first impression of her was that she gave such a strong UP vibe so I looked her up on Facebook, and it turns out we went to the same college and the same high school.

Did something that you were afraid to do: A couple of months ago I had a one-on-one video call organized by the CEO of my employer so that she could get to know me better. She was super nice and listened attentively to my answers to all her questions, but it was easy to tell she wanted to see what I could bring to the table and how well I could mesh with the team especially since I’ve never met her and everyone else in person, so I made sure my social game was maxed out for those 15 minutes haha.

Did something you promised you would never do: I vaped literally half an hour ago. I never expected to form a habit out of it especially after being vehemently against any form of smoking for most of my life. Not particularly proud of it but then again I’m here for a good time and not a long time lmao.

Regretted something: Lazada had this huge app-wide sale last week and their Hydro Flasks were like ₱600 cheaper, but I didn’t buy it because I was feeling stingy that day haha. Now the products are back to their normal price and they’ll probably never get to be that cheap again :( There’s another sale happening tomorrow but the discounts aren’t as big, but I’ll probably place an order this time.

Went shopping: I went to H&M last January to get Andi a late Christmas present. I asked Leigh what they would appreciate as a gift, and she told me they’d wanted to start experimenting with feminine clothes so I got them a nice black skirt and this really elegant dress (that I honestly wanted for myself). I heard they cried once they opened the paper bag, and making people cry with the gifts you get them will always be one of the best feelings ever haha.

Asked someone out/were asked out: Idk, it was 5 years ago and nothing I want to remember anymore.

Broke up with someone: I’ve never broken up with someone.

Had someone break up with you: It was terrible and the stuff of all my nightmares combined, and it happened in the middle of an already-shitty month to boot so I had little hope for myself to come out of it alive. I had everything planned and ironed out and all that was left was for me to leave. 

It’s been 7 months and I’ve never felt emotionally and mentally better and healthier.

Were heartbroken: I follow this animal rescue NGO on Facebook and they regularly post about dogs who’ve lived through awful situations and need urgent care and forever homes to live in. Fortunately the page has a wide reach and regularly gets support, and I try to donate to their bank account as often as I can.

You were angry with someone: Haven’t directed my anger towards anyone in a while.

You felt "in love" with someone: It was during the time I was still reeling over the breakup and was caught in an endless loop of still being in love with them and forcing myself to finally detach.

You wanted something unrealistic: I was at the rooftop this morning and I could feel the temperature getting warmer every hour, and when I finally couldn’t tolerate the heat and was forced to go back indoors I felt super annoyed because all I want is to live somewhere with a chilly climate all-year round hahaha UGH

You made someone angry: It was when I spilled a tiny drop of soup onto the dining table and my mom had a complete meltdown about it. After 89457843957 years of her getting mad at First World Problems I wasn’t intimidated by her anymore, but it still irked me at how something so little can piss her off so I just decided not to speak a word for the rest of the night.

You made someone's day: I hope I made my delivery driver’s night when I got him his burger as a surprise. I hold so much respect and appreciation for them considering they’ve been working very hard to get people’s goods to their doorsteps in the midst of a global pandemic.

Tried something new: When I bought my lamp it was the first time I got something to decorate my room. I usually spend all my money on food, so that was a nice change to try out.

Tried your best: I always try my best at work and to make each day more improved than the last.

Didn't try at all: A couple of nights ago I asked my dad to light up my scented candle and he challenged me to try lighting up a matchstick by myself for once. I was all primed and ready to go, but backed out at the last second :(( I told him there was a big chance I could freak out, drop the lit matchstick. and set something in the dining room (where we were) on fire, and that’s when he gave up and just lit it up himself hahaha

Got nothing for your efforts: I’d gladly refer you to my big waste of a 6-year relationship.

Had a serious talk with someone: I always have deep conversations with Andi and they’ve been about various topics over the last few months.

Told someone how you really feel: It was when Bea scheduled a quick one-on-one catch-up call with me to check up on how I was doing with work and if I was doing okay with the everyday craziness of it all. But I didn’t say anything grave; I just told her I honestly like the work we do and that it’s nice that it keeps me excited everyday, so there’s little to complain about.

Hid what you felt from someone: One of my co-workers, Denise, is honestly a little challenging to work with. I always have to pick up after her and remind her of stuff we need to do together, and even Bea has let a few comments slide between us about how difficult she can be. But considering I’m a lot newer than her and we’ve never met each other I’ve stayed quiet for now.

Took something that didn't belong to you: I got the matchbox from my parents’ room to ask one of them to light up the aforementioned scented candle I have.

Borrowed something from someone: I borrowed one of my sister’s cords the other evening to charge my vape pen.

Lost a game: This was when my orgmates and I played a couple Jeopardy games over Zoom about a month ago and I lost to Robin.

Won a game: Not sure, I don’t really play a lot of games.

Told someone you love him/her: Jo, after she shared that she tested positive for Covid.

Went on vacation: It’s been a year and a half and the world has changed a lot since then, but my family and I went to Tagaytay and Cavite for a quick weekend getaway; it was Tagaytay on Saturday then we drove to another hotel in Cavite the next day. We played Heads Up, ate Jelly Belly jellybeans, had a lot of nice food, took some walks, but then I also had to work on a Powerpoint in between because I had a presentation that was due that Monday lol.

Went on a roadtrip: Last January we drove to Tagaytay (again) for my dad’s 50th birthday. Before heading to our accommodation we had brunch at La Creperie where we happened to be seated beside Larry Gadon – bleck – and his wife. Then we headed to the condo unit where we stayed the night at, ordered a samgyupsal set, and I watched GMM’s Let’s Talk About That into the night until I fell asleep.

Flew on a plane: That would be over two years ago and it was during our vacation to Bicol. That also marks the last time I ever spoke a word to my brother, because on our way home my family got into a heated argument and he ended up slapping me in the face. I don’t tolerate physical acts of violence, and especially not from someone younger than me, so I was more than glad to cut ties with him moving forward.

Were annoyed with a family member: My mom is politically incorrect 24/7, and it grinds my gears 24/7.

Took something too far: Idk, maybe cutting off ties with Gab. A part of me wanted to reconnect at some point, once I’ve healed; but I’ve reached a point in my life where that doesn’t seem so necessary anymore. Life just works funnily sometimes, I guess. I haven’t completely cut her off; we’re still mutuals on Twitter (though she also never uses it so it barely counts), and also still Facebook friends (though I’ve unfollowed her and I’ve also blacklisted her from seeing my posts – thank god for that feature), so now it’s really just a matter of pressing some buttons and finally disconnecting for good.

Gave up too soon: I wanted to learn riding a bike during the early days of the pandemic last year, but I gave up after like two days of being unsuccessful.

Listened to a band you had not heard before: I started exploring some of BTS’ music earlier this week after weeks of just knowing Dynamite.

Judged someone: Some of the bloggers that I regularly correspond with for work, and who’ve recently added me on Facebook, have opinions I don’t necessarily agree with.

Asked a "stupid question": I ask a lot of newbie questions at work that maybe some people would consider dumb, but I’d rather get answers to do my work correctly than take guesses and end up doing the wrong thing.

Got "a stupid answer": Not sure.

Took a picture of something/someone: I recently took a photo of my work desk setup so I could show off my new pretty lamp, hahaha.

Told a lie: I told my mom my Hydro Flask is still with Angela and that I should be getting it soon, but I really lost it a few years ago and would have to buy a new one.

Told the truth: Idk I tell the truth all the time.

[ddinusa]

How I was treated in ICE Processing Center, California United States of America

I’m writing this down to reveal the situations, and how detainees being treated in immigration detention, California United States of America.

Now it’s year 2020, the whole world still panicky of the pandemic of COVID- 19 (Corona virus), and America has the highest numbers of positive cases and death toll in the world, the numbers still going up. Even in this extreme pandemic time, tons of detainees from immigration detention still being deported with potentially carrying the deadly virus to other countries. And this will put the whole world in risk of deadly virus spreading even worse since detainees might not get sufficient and complete medical care for prevention/cure the deadly virus.

 Air port

       My story stared form LAX airport where I was landed in Feb, year 2020.

I was holding a traveling visa (B2) which was officially issued by American government, so I could go to California again to stay with my partner who I have been dating since year 2018, and planning to get married. Year 2020, this is the year that many Asians had been discriminated in America since COVID-19 pandemic.

And yes, I was one of them being discriminated in the airport when I landed, then CBP used lots of excuses to reject my permission entry, even I was holding a valid visa which was being revoked at the airport on the same day I landed, see figure 1.

(Figure 1- Contents in the figure: Expiration Date XX JUN2023)

Nightmares started right after CBP questioned me. There were always security reasons for CBP to do things. Body- searching, phone checking, personal belongs checking, loosing shoelaces…..etc. I was panic for not getting any help since all my electrical devices and phones were all being taken away. I couldn’t call my partner, nor my families. There’s no way I could contact anyone; I was hopeless, literally a hopeless foreigner in a foreign country along all by myself.

I didn’t know if my rights have being violated for doing what CBP did since I knew nothing about the laws here in America. Maybe I didn’t have the right to contact anyone or lawyers; or maybe this was good for CBP to do what they want to do without obstruction. I really had no idea what’s right or what is wrong, and was really panicky for being in that situation first time in my life.

 After being held in the airport for one night without any of my personal belongs with me, ICE came to bring me to the immigration detention (ICE Processing Center) within 24 hours after CBP reported. They hand-cuffed me on our way to the detention, and that was my very first time being hand-cuffed.

Yes, exactly like shows you watch on TV or Netflix. Metals on my hands, ankles, and metal chain attached to my handcuffs too.

When we arrived to the detention, the detention facility staffs came out to take me in, and the very first word they said was “Really!?”.

Yeah, I bet that’s because my Asian race has SUPRPISED them a lot in the time of COVID-19 outbreak. ICE and I had been waited outside for few hours before the detention made a decision of taking me in or not, I guess, that’s why it’s taking hours waiting.

I was taken in after waiting, then, what waited for me next was intake procedure.

  14 days quarantine

The facility has 2 buildings, WEST and EAST to detain all detainees. I was assigned to live in the WEST at the beginning (then being transferred to East because of COVID-19 was getting worse afterwards).

The facility members put me in 14 days quarantine not because I was not in America for 14 days; they put me in 14 days quarantine because they assumed that I might carry the deadly virus from the country I came from. And they assumed that I came from China without confirming my identification (because I am Asian). The medical records showed that I came from China, the country I never been to, nor a citizen, nor a permanent resident, not even a traveler. That is racial discrimination, real racial discrimination. I AM NOT FROM CHINA, 100% POSITIVE.

See the description from the facility as attached figure 2.

(Figure 2- Contents in the figure: Rule out COVID19 virus- Patient has been in infirmary since February 27, 2020, as he comes from a region of China Last date in China 2/26/20. Per patient he arrived 2/26/20 and spent the night at the airport. He will remain quarantine to rule out for COVID19. Patient denies cough and stated he feels well. No fevers since arriving, denies chills, or body aches. Reports he is in good health and takes no medications. Exam- Afebrile, non-toxic, Lungs CTAB. Heart sounds RRR w/o murmur, no sweating, no cough. Plan- Continue on airborne isolation for a total of 14 days. Patient to be assessed daily for changes in health status. )

I was put in quarantine for 14 days immediately to make sure to rule out potential COVID- 19 virus as soon as I was finished the intake procedure. Oh, and the RN (Registered nurse) asked about my physical characteristics when I was in the intake procedure. To be honest, I was confused why they need to record my body characteristics, and the worst scenario cases that I could think of was that….. once my head’s being cut off in some bad situations, they could recognize who I was by my body characteristics. (Really scary, huh, because I couldn’t find a better way to explain why they need my body characteristics.)

In the 14 days quarantine, I was in a small room without TV, nor books or anything to entertain myself, basically only a rack that I could sleep on. And lights which never been turned off 24/7.

And there’s one thing I was really worried.

The air was circulated to other isolation rooms, which have been used as quarantine and discipline, since I could hear other detainees shouting through the air tunnel in my isolation room. If there was one detainee had the deadly virus, the deadly virus will be circulated with air and get into other isolation rooms, then spread to everyone in the facility. Since the isolation rooms are for quarantine and for discipline, too; detainees in discipline punishment might get infected by other sick detainees next door (if the next door detainees are sick and being quarantined).

(Figure 3- Layout of Isolation room where I was staying for 14 days quarantine)

The facility staff told me I couldn’t go out, but I could borrow a tablet or a phone to contact families or friends, but it was not free. I had to pay with my money I bought with me.

So I borrowed a phone, but I didn’t have my partner’s phone number in my head. I asked if I could get my partner’s number in my cellphone, but my request was denied, so I authorized them to reach my phone or bring my phone to me, but still a NO to me. So basically I couldn’t contact anyone even I was offered the opportunity and equipment to call.

Oh, by the way, I had asked 3 staffs for toothbrush and toothpaste since I was not given any, and finally, a lady officer brought me some. I really appreciated for her help since she was the only one among them 3 whom I asked; she brought me not only lotions, floss, toothbrush and toothpaste, but also brought me HUMAN LIFE back.

Finally, I reached my families, but I didn’t tell them I was in detention; I didn’t want my families in my country to worry about me.

After about 2 days later, my friend, J who’s from Georgia USA found me, so J called the detention to leave his number to the staff, so I could contact him once the staff gave me his number. I was busted into tears when I reached him after several calls since the staff wrote his numbers wrong, or maybe J said it wrong. (I had to try many times before I could reach him.) Then I got my partner’s number by asking J to contact my partner on my Facebook’s friend list.

And about the tablet, it charged USD$0.05 per second if I wanted to play candy crush or watch old shows. Of course the phones too (the charge depends on where I called), every single phone call I made cost the money I brought with me.

The facility offered me 3 meals a day. If I was hungry, I either went sleep or drank water which came from the sink tap when I was in quarantine.

I sang to sing to myself, talked to myself, tried to sleep as much as I could to get this 14 days done.

 Dorm with other detainees (West building)

Finally, after 14 days quarantine, I had people to talk to, or to order commissary food to not get hungry since the meals were not very likable.

About the kitchen food, there’s a menu so we detainees got to know what food we getting. But, sometimes, something missing; for example, there were 6 items on the menu, then there were only 5 items when we got our plates, sometimes ketchup missing, sometimes dressing, sometimes something else.

If a pack of ketchup is 5 cents, then few thousand ketchup will save the facility some money; or just kitchen people simply forgot to serve them.

These were the dishes that appeared the most on the menu, turkey slices, beef and beans burritos without beef, fruits from cans, sloppy joe, or sausages…etc. So commissary was the only option we could get food beside 3 meals, but if detainees didn’t have money to order commissary, detainees couldn’t shop commissary. Detainees could either apply 1 dollar job (maximum $1 a day.), or trade with other detainees with something else.

About the water, we were offered drinking water in Home Depot 5 gal. orange water coolers. Some detainees drank the water from the tap, instead of water from coolers since all the officers didn’t drink the water from the cooler; every officer brought their own water.

BTW, I didn’t have much sexual drive, nor physical erection since I got into the detention, so I asked other detainees, and they all had the same situations. We all figured that something has been added in our food or water. Even now I’ve been deported for a month, my sexual drive still not that high, compared to the times before being detained in detention.

About the shower water, every detainee sees everyone naked in the shower since there were no doors, just 6 chambers.

And my skin was dry and itchy after shower. I used to showered twice a day, but other EXPERT detainees told me to shower maximum one time a day since the water might be added with chemicals to reduce the mold in the shower chambers. (What they said made sense since there were only 6 shower rooms, and hundreds of people are using them every single day; there were no ways to find out what other detainees said was true or not, so I chose to listen to them to shower only one time a day.)

About the chemical spray to prevent corona virus during pandemic of COVID-19, the spray has been used over 50 times a day in the dorm. There were lots of detainees didn’t speak English, so I was helping to interpret if we spoke the same language. I remembered one time I was writing a medical request for a detainee who had unknow and persistent nose bleeding recently.

After I was deported, I knew why he had unknow and persistent nose bleeding. I read a report which showed that the spray used in the detention might cause unknow bleeding and some bad effect on animals. See the title from insider.com as attached figure 4.

(Figure 4, from insider.com - Contents in the figure: Report finds ICE detention centre is using a disinfectant over 50 times a day that causes bleeding and pain.)

About the phone calls, every phone call was being monitored. A detainee told me that ICE (or facility staff) called his cousin to confirm the relationship with the detainee, but he never provided his cousin’s number to anyone; the ICE (or facility staff) found the number by monitoring his calls, and called without asking the detainee. (I know, there are always security concerns for doing everything.)

And, my phone account has been blocked from calling legal orientation without any notification; I could still call other people, only not able to call legal orientation;

I didn’t see any or how I’ll post threats or dangers by calling legal orientation to get some helpful advise from the legal group. So I wrote a letter to DHS (Department of Homeland Security) on 17th April, 2020 to tell how my situation was, see figure 5.

(I always made another hand-writing copy for myself to all the mails I sent.)

(Figure 5- Contents in the figure: Dear sir, I’m a detainee in Adelanto California where I’ve been detaining since Feb, 27, 2020. I’m writing based on my situation and my rights might be violated in this detention: ①I have rights to appeal to BIA (Boarder of Immigration Appeals) within 30 days after immigration judge’s decision has been made, but the paper of judge’s decision shows that “No appeal is available.” It violates my right. If I haven’t had looked up information myself, I would have been taken advantages of, (since I don’t have legal representatives, nor attorneys in the whole process; I have made a few calls, but still haven’t found any free attorneys yet because I have limited finance, furthermore, the pandemic of COVID-19 makes this even more difficult.)②The judge made a false statement on the final decision. It shows that I’m subject to third-country-transit after July 16, 2019. But the fact is that both my flights were direct flights, straight from XXXXXXXXXXXX to America in 2019 and 2020. The judge didn’t ask me , nor give me a chance to confirm.

I’ll still keep waiting for more information on appealing to BIA (but I don’t know if I can make it withinh 30 days with limited info.) And also waiting for my ICE officer to reply my paper requests. I need help in anyways since I’m fighting this all alone by myself so far, and I don’t know if there will be any more advantages been taken from me. Please help, thank you.

My phone account has been blocked from calling LOP- Legal Orientation Program (844) 312- 5327 when I tried to call on April 17, 2020.)

At the same time, I tried to call legal orientation for 2 days, but still being blocked…. So I stopped calling legal orientation (19th April, 2020 was my last time trying.)

Then, I realized that my phone account was unblocked on 20th without any notification to me until I wrote a KITE (request/inquiry form) to the facility, see attached figure 6. (I think when they read my mail to DHS, and they knew about my phone blocking complain, so they unblocked my phone without telling a thing to me until I wrote a KITE to the facility.)

(Figure 6-Contents in the figure: My phone account has been blocked from calling legal orientation (844) 312-5327, when I tried to call on Apr. 17, 2020. It was not blocked before 4/17. I made few calls and it was connected.

Number was unblocked on 4/20/20.)

BTW, all the incoming/outgoing mails will be inspected, see attached figure 7.

(Figure 7- Contents in the figure: MAIL PRIVACY.

．All incoming and outgoing letters may be inspected for contraband and content.

．If you receive legal mail, the facility staff will open it in front of you and may check for contraband, but not read it.

．If you do not want your outgoing legal or special mail opened, allow facility staff to inspect the mail, but not read it, seal it in front of a staff member and clearly label it as legal mail.

．You may seal your other mail on you own and drop it in a detainee mailbox.)

DHS gave me a letter few weeks later, see attached figure 8. It said they were not taking any action on the information I provided, and I may need to consult an attorney. But I didn’t know how to find a free attorney once they blocked my phone from calling the group that I could have found free attorney since I have limited finance. (my partner had limited finance too since the family member needs some money for new knees.)

Once I got the letter from DHS, I knew there’s another “nowhere getting help” Again.

(Figure 8- Contents in the figure: After carefully reviewing the information you provided, CRCL has recorded it in our database. This will allow us to track the issues you raised in order to identify potential patterns of civil rights or civil liberties allegation within our jurisdiction. Accordingly, CRL will take no further action on the information you provided at this time. Please be advised that CRCL does not provide individuals with legal rights or remedies. Accordingly, CRCL is not able to obtain any legal remedies or damages on your behalf. Instead, we use information in correspondence like yours to find and address problems in DHS policy and its implementation. If you believe your rights have been violated, you may wish to consult an attorney. There may be time limitations that govern how quickly you need to act to protect your interests.)

About the voluntary work projects, one dollar a day, but first, I had to be selected to have the job, so I could get a one dollar job.

Interesting thing was that I couldn’t even able to afford a pack of cracker which was $1.55 for working a day, how interesting…..but the same, I still had to get the job first.

(Figure 9-Contents in the figure: 3 SNICKERS BAR $3.18, 1 CLUB CRACKERS $1.55, 2 ZC CHOC CHIP COOKIES 6 $2.20.)

About the grievance, on detainee handbook which showed that all grievance will be response back within 5 working days, see attached figure 10, but I haven’t got any of my detainee grievance forms reply back. (I wrote 2 grievance forms, see attached figure 11, 12.)

(Figure 10-Contents in the figure: GRIEVANCE PROCEDURES. A grievance is a complain about the substance or application of any written policy, regulation, or rule of the facility or the lack of the application of a policy, regulation, or rule; or a complaint about any behavior or action directed toward any detainee by staff or another detainee; or a violation of civil rights. The facility shall maintain a channel of communication between staff and detainees at all times. However, if a detainee feels a situation or issue has not been addressed to their satisfaction, they may file a grievance regarding any operational issue at any time. A response will be provided within five (5) working days of receipt of the grievance.)

(Figure 11-Contents in the figure: STATEMENT OF GRIEVANCE: (DECLARACION DE AGRAVIO.)

Please don’t move our beds/ bunks again, there is no such thing as “social distancing” when you’re trapped with a bunch of people in a space 24/7. Around 3 days ago, they changed my bed from XXXXXto XXXXX, then they changed my bed again yester from XXXXXto XXXXX again. That caused lot of inconvenience in many ways, such as form filling, paper request filling, bed/bunk calling out for work, library, paper request returns…etc. it’s really confusing because we don’t know who is being called since our bed has been changed again and again.)

(Figure 12-Contents in the figure: ① Phones have been cut off for many days without any notification; don’t know how long this will be lasting. ②Self-enhancemnet, everyday newspaper has been suspended for 7 days so far; still don’t know how long this will be lasting. I don’t see how making phone calls, or reading newspaper could post any security issues to this facility/ detention; we are not terrorists, nor criminals.)

About our marriage request, I was deported promptly right after my partner and I both submitted all the required papers about our marriage request, see attached figure 13, 14.

(Figure 13-Contents in the figure: This is in response to your request to marry your fiancé, while you are detained at the Adelanto ICE Processing Center. As part of the review process, the following information is required to consider your marriage request.

1) Are you eligible to be married?

2) Please (re) state your intent to marry.

3) Submit a statement indicating that you understand that the marriage ceremony will not be conducted if it is determined that if would present a threat to the security or orderly operation of the Adelanto ICE Processing Center or to the protection of the public.

4) Submit a statement indicating that you understand that your removal from the United States, if ordered, will not be postponed to accommodate this request.)

(Figure 14-Contents in the figure: Please Specify In Detail: What’s the status of marriage request? It has been another week again, please. Officer Response: Management is reviewing your request.)

After being deported back to my country, I still don’t know if my marriage request has been approval or not; even detainee handbook shows that I will get the decision, see figure 15.

(Figure 15-Contents in the figure: MARRIAGE REQUESTS. Detainees wishing to marry while detained must submit a request to ICE staff for approval, via and ICE Detainee Request Form. The decision to approve or deny will be provided to the detainee. Facility staff cannot approve marriage requests. The detainee and family are responsible for making all arrangements, including obtaining the marriage license, any required blood test, and retaining and official to perform the marriage. Neither the facility or Ice will Participate in making the arrangements. The following guidelines will be followed:

．Ceremonies will be no longer than one hour in duration.

．Ceremonies will be held at a time that does not conflict with facility counts, court, etc.

．only four individuals will be authorized to attend a service, of which one is the official performing the service, two are witness and one guest (this does not include the spouse.)

I’m just an ordinary person, not a Nobel prize winner, nor a billionaire. We two ordinary people just wanted to build our future together and live in our little world. But I was not welcomed to get in America and we are being separated. That’s really upsetting and frustrating for us and my partners families in USA.

About sick calls, no doctors in the pandemic of COVID-19.

Detainees made sick call requesting, but there were no doctors available, so the RNs would arrange another times and wait till doctors to be available for detainees.

Before I was deported, I read from the newspaper that the facility I was staying started to have positives cases, and we had no idea if the facility had done prevention or not since we didn’t get any COVID-19 test after outbreak in the facility.

And detainees still being deported with potentially virus carrying from America to other countries.

About psychiatrist, I was traumatized.

Being separated with my families for months and months, no visitation available to see my fiancé and the families, concealing my custody from my families in my country, limited finance to afford an attorney, phone account being blocked, excessive use of force, communication being cut off because of protesting, not knowing how long to stay in custody, risking of getting COVID-19 since insufficient medical care, not being welcomed in the stats, might be deported anytime and separated with my partner……. more and more and more.

I knew I need some mental help with all these burdens on me all by myself; I was literately in hot water, so I started seeking psychologist’s help and taking pills, see figure 16.

(Figure 16-Contents in the figure: Chief Complaints: 1. Routine follow up. Patient spoke English. Patient is diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety DO and Adjustment DO with mixed anxiety and depressed mood. We discussed his concerns about recent local protests and how the communication was shut down internally, as well as lack of timely response from ICE on his request to be married. Patient reported, “I don’t know what to do – I’m following the rules, and I’m not getting anywhere.”)

I never had difficulty to be in small room/ space.

But I realized that after I was deported home, I started to feel uncomfortable while I was in a small room. I’m traumatized from what I’d been through in the detention and the airport. I’ll seek some mental help in my country later or sooner.

I’m not a terrorist, nor criminal, and I belive that lots of detainees in American immingration detentions are not either, and I was one of the detainees in the non-humanized situations.

America is a country of freedom, a counry full of human rights. After what happened to me, I’m hurt and scared. And I truly belive that im not the only one feeling this pain.

“Thank you” to American citizens who pay all the expense to the facility, based on how many days I was being detained. More days I was being detained, more the failitye being paied. (All detainees don’t know in advance how long to be detained in the detention; the decision is not on detainees.)

A truamatized, deported detainee from Californa Adelantion ICE processing center.

Year 2020, Spring/ Summer.

[sheliesshattered]

This Isn’t A Ghost Story extras for Chapter 7: The Museum

The penultimate chapter of This Isn’t A Ghost Story has been posted! It’s here on Tumblr and here on AO3. Lots of pictures, explanations, and a few spoilers below the cut. The extras follow the flow of the chapter, so it’s safe to follow along with this post as you read, if you like. 

Chapter 7 is named for and takes place in the Museum of Egyptian Antiquities in Cairo. This is the same location where Clara and the Doctor first met in 1921, as detailed in the journal entries in chapter 3 and some of Clara’s recovered memories in chapter 4. The museum was originally built in 1901, and besides a few modernizing improvements over the years, it hasn’t changed much since then. Here’s a postcard depicting the museum while it was being built:

And the museum as it appears today in modern Cairo:

The interior of the museum hasn’t changed much either, and a few of the larger artifacts haven’t even been moved since they were originally put in place for the opening in 1902.

Here’s a short walk-through video of both the entrance and the interior of the museum, showing what it looked like in 2017. The new Grand Egyptian Museum was supposed to open in the spring of 2020, but has been pushed back to at least 2021 because of the Covid-19 pandemic. For Ghost Story I decided to skip right over 2020 and assume that by May 2021, the original Cairo Museum will still be open to the public, whether or not GEM has finally opened.

Clara asks the Doctor if he remembers what she wore to that black-tie party in 1921, and I have to imagine it was something like her dress from Mummy On The Orient Express:

This amazing dress from 1925 is also a strong contender.

While the Cairo Museum doesn’t have a reproduction of the tomb of Thutmose III like I described in this chapter (and, in fact, until the new museum opens, the Cairo Museum is far too crowded with artifacts to be able to devote an entire room to Thutmose III), that specific burial chamber has been recreated at a museum in England, with stunning attention to detail:

Comparing it to the original tomb in the Valley of the Kings, you can see how accurately they’ve reproduced it: 

Clara comments on the star ceiling, photographed in the original tomb here:

Which, as the Doctor notes, is a common feature in a lot of 18th dynasty and other New Kingdom architecture, and in This Isn’t A Ghost Story connects directly with Clara’s star sapphire wedding ring:

Those of you who have followed me here on Tumblr the last few months may have heard me yell about the tomb of Thutmose III before, and in particular the art depicting the Amduat aka The Twelve Hours of the Night. What Clara describes as “stylised stick figures” is in fact what the walls of the burial chamber are absolutely covered in, and I cannot overstate my love for it. I mean:

I love this art style, possibly more than anything else in all of ancient Egyptian art. I love how stylized and timeless it is, I love that it’s used to tell a complex story that is part of an even more complex funerary tradition. I love the sweeping lines and tiny bits of shading, I love the little upturned toes of their shoes and the tiniest hint of hand shapes. I love their skinny little arms and skinny little legs, oh my god. The fact that this is a real 3500 year old work of art constantly boggles my mind.

The reproduction of the tomb of Thutmose III at Bolton’s museum in England also has a short video that retells the story of the Amduat in gorgeous stylized animation, following the recently deceased pharaoh as he joins Ra on his journey through the underworld to rebirth, if you would like a more complete idea of what the wall art is depicting. 

The Twelve Hours of the Night poem Clara quotes is credited to the poet William Ashbless, the less about whom is said the better. But if your curiosity compels you (and I certainly hope it does), I do highly recommend Tim Powers’ excellent novel The Anubis Gates. Tim Powers is possibly my all-time favorite author, and a huge influence on all of my writing. This Isn’t A Ghost Story is quite definitely the most Powers-esque thing I’ve ever written, and was probably influenced most specifically by The Anubis Gates, Declare, and The Stress of Her Regard. Finding a way to work in a subtle nod to both Ashbless and The Anubis Gates felt fitting and highly amusing to me.

My long-standing love for the Amduat was an early part of the development of this story, coming right on the heels of deciding to give the Doctor a background in Egyptology. I spent a fair part of mid-June digging into research on the Amduat, reading every little scrap about it that I could wring out of the internet. On June 19th -- three months ago this weekend -- all of that research quite suddenly solidified into this chapter, which at the time I figured would be chapter 6, before chapter 5 up and decided to split into two chapters.

Using the twelve hours of the night as the linchpin for the happy ending I wanted for these two really helped solidify and clarify my ideas about how the Doctor functioned as a ghost with regard to sunlight. The sunlight/darkness and day/night theme is really the backbone to the whole story, and is also echoed by the dichotomy of Clara’s wedding ring, which looks like a star in the night sky, but only when viewed in direct sunlight. All of that, from chapter 1 onward and even the story’s title, was leading to this moment, the twist at the end of this chapter.

I wrote the first draft of this chapter in basically one go, beginning to end, which is super unusual for me for any scene, much less an entire chapter. The first version was about 400 words shorter than the final version, and almost all of that growth was in the moment right after the Doctor starts feeling lightheaded. I wanted that sequence to have enough emotional weight, without tipping over into feeling like I was milking it for melodrama. While editing this chapter, Jack said that he thinks there will be a lot of wailing in the comments this week, and I’m very curious to see how that moment will go over for all of you.

Clara and the Doctor have so many exquisite moments of heartbreak in canon that I couldn’t help but borrow from them all heavily here. And as a writer who really enjoys eliciting emotion from the reader as well as communicating the emotions of the characters, I couldn’t resist the urge to make you, my lovely readers, think that I just might take this down the path of tragedy, even if only for a couple of paragraphs. I would say I’m sorry except that I’m really, really not. :D

We’re down to just one chapter to go now, an even shorter epilogue that grew out of some of the research I did for this chapter. I’ll be back next week with the behind the scenes details for that chapter, as well as a few things about the story as a whole, including the full timeline for Clara and the Doctor. 

Do you have any questions for me heading into the final chapter? Any behind the scenes details you’d like me to cover? Let me know! ❤️

--

Extras for Chapter 8: The Temple

[sunflower-swan]

Wolfstar chapter 5

A/N: Here’s what you need to know: I created this story for Writer’s Month 2020. Every day is a new prompt, and therefore a new chapter. This is an AU Wolfstar where Remus is a tattoo artist next door to Sirius who manages a flower shop. James and Lily are alive in this universe and own a coffee shop across the street. And to make parts of the story work with the prompts, Remus is about 10 years older than Sirius. It also takes place more or less in present time, minus Covid-19.

This is chapter 5 of a multi-chapter work. If you’d like to start from the beginning, here is chapter 1.

Disclaimer: I don’t own these characters. I just like to play with them.

Day 5 Prompt: Soulmates

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 1571

Tags: language, original character, smut, shower scene, oral sex, fellatio

A/N: Consider this your smut warning. Sirius and Silas decided to have make-up shower fun I had not anticipated at the end of this chapter. Who is in charge of these characters?! Or, in the immortal words of Pilot Wash, “Who’s flying this thing?!” Firefly...anyone? No? Hello, crickets.

Chapter 5

Sirius

Stevie Wonder, “All in Love is Fair”

All of fate's a chance

It's either good or bad

I tossed my coin to say

In love with me you'd stay

Sirius slowly sat up to a sitting position. He rested his elbows on his knees and hung his head. “I did something dumb.”

“I figured that much. Continue.”

He rubbed his hands together and let out a heavy sigh. “I got home late from the flower shop last night.” He paused and glanced at James. “More like, I got home early this morning, I guess.” Sirius turned his attention back to his hands and continued. “Silas had fallen asleep on the couch trying to wait up for me, and I accidentally woke him up. Then…” He covered his face with his hands. “...he said he needed to talk to me and it couldn’t wait until morning.”

James' expression softened and he moved to comfort his hurting friend as Sirius recounted what was said and what he did.

“...and then I passed out on your couch and woke up to Harry’s bony little knees in my stomach about 10 minutes ago.” Sirius finished.

Like a good friend, James had remained silent through all of Sirius’ story. “So,” he began, “you’ve not broken up?”

“No, but I was a right arsehole running away like I did.” He slouched back into the couch, and picked at his fingernails.

“That is true.” James agreed. “So how are you going to fix this?”

Fix this? Sirius rolled his eyes, incredulous at James' optimism.

At that moment, Lily padded into the living room with Harry in tow. “James, I told you we shouldn’t have set up the wards to allow Sirius in any time he wanted.” Sirius noticed there was a tiny hint of amusement in her annoyed tone. She made her way into the kitchen and added, “I’ll make us tea, shall I?”

James smirked. “Under the frosty exterior, she really is quite fond of you.”

“She must be if you were able to convince her to make me Harry’s godfather.” Sirius chuckled. Turning somber again, he roughed his hands through his hair and said, “What am I going to do, James?”

They sat in thoughtful silence until Lily returned with a tray of teacups. “Harry, hun, you want to go play in your room, and I’ll let you know when breakfast is ready?”

“Ok, Mum!” Harry hugged his mum’s leg before tottering off.

“What did you do?” Lily asked as she sat down.

They each grabbed a cup of tea, and James gave Lily the CliffsNotes version of how Sirius came to be on their couch that morning.

“What an arsehole.” Lily shook her head in disbelief at Sirius when James had finished recounting the story. “You know what you have to do first, right?”

“What?” Sirius asked.

“First, you pray to Merlin that young man doesn’t hold grudges. Then you beg his forgiveness.”

“Begging is at least one trick you’re good at, Pads.” James snickered.

Sirius picked up a throw pillow and whomped James in the head. “Damn it, James! You’re not helping!”

“Ok, ok!” James held his hands up in defence. “Sorry,” he said with a grin. “Couldn’t resist.”

Ignoring her idiot husband, Lily continued. “After Silas forgives you…”

Sirius scoffed.

“After Silas forgives you,” she repeated with emphasis. “Then you talk to him about whether he should go or not. And if he decides to go, then you talk about what that means for your relationship. And since he leaves tomorrow, that conversation should happen sooner rather than later.”

James and Sirius stared open-mouthed at the ease with which Lily laid out what needed to be done. Lily peered back with astute eyes and sipped her tea.

“It’s that simple.” She shrugged and left them to make breakfast.

“She has a way of cutting through the bullcrap, doesn’t she?”

“One of the reasons why I married her.” James said in awe. “Anyway, here's the real question Sirius: Do you love him?”

Sirius balked at the question. “What? I don’t know! I mean...maybe?” He stood and began to pace. Love? Godric, James! “How do I even answer that?” He felt the heat rise in his chest. “I think, James Potter, I think you forget how lucky you are.” He pointed a finger at his friend. “The rest of us mere mortals didn’t meet our soulmate when we were eleven years old. Notwithstanding the fact it took you six years to wear her down enough to agree to go out with you, you’re perfect together. And me…” Sirius stopped pacing long enough to catch his breath. “I’ve fucked up a lot of good relationships, and I don’t want to fuck up this one.”

“Then what are you still doing here, mate?”

~~~~~

Sirius opened the door to his flat as quiet as a mouse. He crept across the threshold and closed the door with a silent click. Silas was in the shower. He could hear the water running. Summoning his Gryffindor courage, he made his weary way toward the bathroom.

He stood with his palm on the bathroom door for a moment, gathering his thoughts. Apologize, beg forgiveness...Sirius sighed...hope he forgives me...figure it out from there...

Hot humid air rolled from under the door. The scent of fresh citrus mixed with leather clouded his senses. Sirius knocked softly once. Twice. Three times before entering.

A hoarse voice that he did not recognize as his own said, “Silas? I’m back.”

Silas stuck a sudsy head out of the shower. “I’m still not sure why you left.” His forehead creased. 

“Si…” Sirius didn’t know what to say to make this better. He leaned a shoulder against the wall next to the shower and exhaled. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m a mess. And I’m sorry I left. And…”

This is your last warning. Turn back now if smut is not your jam.

An arm extended out of the shower and grabbed Sirius by the collar and pulled. The next thing he knew his lips were attacked. Their tongues wrestled for dominance in his mouth.

Silas broke the kiss and said, “I forgave you the moment you walked through the door. Now take off your clothes and get in here.”

Sirius didn’t need to be told twice. In a flash he had stripped and jumped in the shower. He took a moment to relish the hot water cascading over his tired body before he raked his hungry eyes over Silas’ naked form. He was stunning; an Adonis. Moisture glistened on his fit frame and his eyelids were heavy with lust. 

Shaking the water from his eyes, Sirius crossed the minute distance between them in less than a second. Silas gasped as Sirius claimed his mouth for his own. Wet bodies pressed together, Silas moaned into the lip bruising kiss. 

Sirius felt his arousal build, and he seized Silas’ hips and ground their pelvises, savoring the friction and feel of reciprocating hardness. Relinquishing Silas’ mouth, he nuzzled the crook of his neck, nibbling the sensitive pulse point he knew drove his boyfriend mad.

“Oh, Gods!” Silas panted and threw his head back. His chest rose and fell with rapid breaths as he slid a hand between them and grasped Sirius' needy length. He stroked with abandon.

Sirius trembled at the touch. “I’m supposed to be apologizing to you. Not the other way around,” Sirius growled in his ear. He slammed Silas against the cold tile wall, and elicited a sharp hiss from him. He moved from kissing neck to collarbone. From collarbone to chest. He ran a flat tongue across Silas’ skin, earning a whimper in response. Sirius could taste the remnants of citrus body wash. His body felt like it was on fire in his desire for this man. He nipped, and licked, and sucked all the way down Silas’ powerful torso to the rock hard erection between his legs.

“You are the most gorgeous man.” Sirius peered up into Silas’ heady eyes.

Silas ran a hand through Sirius’ hair, then cupped his chin and brushed a thumb over his lower lip. “I love you,” he whispered.

The world stopped spinning. Sirius’ breath hitched. His heart skipped at least three beats. Love? He loves me? With reckless abandon, Sirius ravaged his boyfriend’s cock like a man possessed. He poured every unsaid feeling into this moment.

Silas’ knees buckled at the sudden impale into Sirius’ warm and inviting mouth. He slapped a hand on the wall to keep himself upright, while the other hand fisted Sirius’ hair. His breaths quickened. “Fuck...Sirius. Not gonna...last long…”

Sirius redoubled his efforts, pumping the shaft with his hand while dancing his tongue around the head. With a thrust and a groan, Silas came undone.

The sound and feel of Silas’ orgasm was like rocket fuel to Sirius. His own erection was so taut that it was painful. His lust palpable. He stood and leaned against Silas for support. He placed one hand on the tile beside Silas’ head as he pumped his own cock with the other. In what seemed like no time, he came with a growl, and spurted on Silas’ flat abdomen.

Heavy breathing filled the air. The men gazed into each other's eyes.

“I…” Sirius swallowed. “I love you, too, Si.” He cupped Silas’ cheeks in his palms. “And...you should accept the grant. It’s only six months.”

Silas lips spread into a wide grin. He wrapped his arms around Sirius and pulled him into a soft kiss. Their lips were still grazing on each other as Silas said, “I’m starting to get pruny. Let’s get out of here.”

A/N: Welp...that smut snuck up on me. This chapter got away from me a little bit. You’re welcome. ;)

Next Chapter: Chapter 6