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tallmantall · 11 months ago

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James Donaldson on Mental Health - Depression

Understanding symptoms and tips for finding support Depression may feel like something you may want to hide or even pretend is not there. It may be the last thing you want friends and family asking about. But giving your mental health proper care and attention may be a healthy path toward helping you get better. Being honest with yourself about how you’re feeling may help you navigate true depression or even certain days when you may feel down. Having open conversations may be one way to help decrease the stigma around depression, encouraging more people to speak up when depression happens to themselves or loved ones. Learn about mental health programs for UnitedHealthcare members #James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space. #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleFind out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundationwebsite www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy Link for 40 Habits Signupbit.ly/40HabitsofMentalHealth www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com Are there different kinds of depression? According to the National Institute of Mental Health, the two most common forms of depression are:1 - Major depression: This is having symptoms of depression most of the day, every day, for at least 2 weeks. Symptoms may keep you from daily activities, like sleeping, eating, working and enjoying life. An episode of major depression may happen once in a lifetime or several times. - Persistent depressive disorder (dysthymia): This is having symptoms of depression that lasts much longer, typically for at least two years. With this type, you might have episodes of major depression along with less severe symptoms. Things like loss of interest in activities, low energy or poor concentration. Life events may also determine how, when or if other forms of depression develop. These types of depression happen under specific circumstances.1 - Perinatal depression: This happens when a woman has major depression during pregnancy or after the baby is born (postpartum depression). - Seasonal affective disorder: Appropriately referred to as “SAD”, this type of depression happens when the seasons change. Ever feel blue when the sky is grey? Or maybe you get a little down when the sun sets at 6:00 PM? It’s a real thing, especially when daylight hours are short. - Depression with symptoms of psychosis: This is a severe form of depression where a person experiences psychosis symptoms, like delusions or hallucinations.1 What are signs and symptoms of depression? Depression may show itself differently for different people. However, there are some common signs that may point to feelings of depression. They include:1 - Feeling sad, anxious, or "empty" - Loss of interest in your favorite activities - Overeating or not wanting to eat at all - Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much - Feeling really tired - Aches, pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that may not get better with treatment - Thoughts of death or suicide You may read this list and think, "Some of these sound like me. Do I have depression?” Keep in mind the symptoms of depression may need to be present for most of the day, every day, for at least 2 weeks.1 If that sounds like you, schedule a visit and tell your doctor how you’re feeling. Or, call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357. How can I recognize the signs and what can I do? If you’re anticipating a big life change that may be stressful, you feel yourself getting more anxious, or you know you experience SAD during the fall and winter, consider taking extra care of your mental health. Consider these ideas that may help you with feeling more content, less anxious and more in tune with recognizing possible signs of depression. - Be around people you love (even seeing friends virtually may help) Spending time with family and friends – or even new acquaintances may help improve your mood.2 - Stay active. Exercising reduces stress, anxiety and feelings of depression. When you exercise, your body releases endorphins, which gives your brain feelings of happiness.3 Consider finding a physical activity you enjoy doing and make it part of your regular routine.3 - Eat for a better mood. Diet impacts how we feel physically, mentally and emotionally. There are certain foods we can eat to help support a happy body and mind.4 - Meditate. Meditation is gaining traction as a common practice to help manage stress and improve our mental clarity.5 - Find a furry friend. Animals may be more than just cute to look at. Studies show that having a pet can actually help lift our mood.6 If you're not ready for a pet of your own, consider other ways to benefit from time with animals, like volunteering at a local animal shelter, fostering a pet or even visiting with a neighbor who has a friendly pet. - Talk to a therapist. People often think of therapy as a way to fix something that’s broken. The truth is, many people may see a therapist as a way to proactively manage stress and help to stay on top of their mental well-being. Prefer a virtual visit? Apps like Talkspace offer 24/7 access to therapists whenever and wherever you need. You can also look into what mental health resources may be available through your UnitedHealthcare health benefit plan. A note about finding help for your depression Natural remedies for depression, like the ones listed here, may work well for some people. However, others may also need medical treatment for depression and anxiety. That’s why it’s important to talk to a health care provider who specializes in mental health and depression. They may be able to determine the best way to help. Learn more about how to choose a mental health provider. You might also find helpful mental health resources that may be offered through your UnitedHealthcare benefit plan. What kind of doctor should I see for help? The first step in seeking professional help is to visit your primary care provider (the doctor or provider you might see for your yearly exam). Your doctor may do some basic screening and ask questions to learn more about your symptoms. You may also want to bring a list of your own questions. From there, you might be referred to a mental health specialist, like a psychiatrist or psychologist.7 There are also resources available to help you learn more about choosing a mental health provider. Remember, this is your health journey. You can feel empowered to ask questions that help shape a care plan that's comfortable for you. Read the full article

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newskannada · 2 years ago

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How can Sun exposure be treated

The sun is a crucial component of life on Earth since it gives forth heat, light, and key nutrients like vitamin D. On the other hand, continuous sun exposure might harm our skin. The sun's radiation includes UVA, UVB, and UVC rays; UVA and UVB rays are the most harmful to the skin. While UVB rays result in sunburns and rapid damage, UVA rays damage the skin more deeply and over time.

How Much Sun Exposure Is Enough?

Individual needs for sun exposure vary, but on average, 10 to 30 minutes of sun exposure per day is sufficient to produce adequate vitamin D without endangering our skin. The amount of sun exposure necessary can, however, be influenced by factors like skin type, location, and time of day, according to the skin specialist.

The skin specialist claims that the impacts of UV exposure can build up over time and cause noticeable changes in our skin. The deterioration of collagen and elastin fibers, wrinkles, fine lines, and sagging skin are a few of these alterations. Other harm from prolonged sun exposure includes skin cancer and black patches.

How Can It Be Treated?

The skin expert claims that in addition to retinoids, lightening agents, chemical peels, laser skin resurfacing, dermabrasion, and fillers, there are various alternative therapies for severe cases of sun damage. According to her, these procedures can assist in lessening the visibility of wrinkles, dark spots, and other ageing symptoms brought on by sun exposure.

We are well aware of the need of obtaining enough sun exposure for optimal health. It also aids in mood regulation and aids in the production of vitamin D, which is important for the absorption of calcium and phosphorus. However, many people are unable to receive the necessary amount of sun exposure to maintain their health because of things like hectic schedules or living in places with little access to sunlight. Fortunately, there are a few strategies you can use to compensate for your lack of sun exposure and make sure you're still getting enough vitamin D. These 6 methods have been validated by science.

1. Try light therapy

A sort of treatment called light therapy, also referred to as phototherapy, includes the patient being exposed to specialised lamps or light boxes. Although Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is typically treated with this kind of therapy, persons who don't get enough sunlight exposure in their regular lives may also find it helpful. Before attempting light treatment, speak with your doctor to ensure if it is appropriate for you. If you receive the all-clear, it's a good idea to know that a red light treatment device is available to assist you in getting the desired result. It works by directing modest quantities of red light onto the skin, which encourages the synthesis of vitamin D.

2. Increase dietary sources of Vitamin D

Good sources of vitamin D include foods like egg yolks, fatty fish, and fortified dairy products. If you don't consume enough of these foods, you might want to add a vitamin D-fortified meal to your diet or take a dietary supplement. Supplements for vitamin D are widely available at pharmacies and health stores. Several foods, including yogurt, orange juice, and cereal, have vitamin D added to them.

Moreover, some mushrooms may also have vitamin D in them. You must expose these mushrooms to UV light before eating them in order to profit from them.

3. Spend time outdoors during the day

If your schedule or living situation prevents you from getting enough sun exposure, try taking a few breaks during the day to go outside and soak up the sun for 10-15 minutes. Your body will produce more vitamin D as a result. But remember to use sunscreen if you want to spend longer than a short while outside!

Try to receive 10 to 30 minutes of sunlight exposure throughout the day. This can be accomplished by going for walks during your lunch break or spending some time outside before your day begins.

4. Take advantage of UV light lamps

UV lamps can be used to increase vitamin D levels because they emit wavelengths that are comparable to those of sunlight. A prolonged exposure to UV radiation may raise your chance of developing skin cancer, so they should only be used for brief periods of time, whether at home or in a medical setting.

5. Increase your intake of cod liver oil

Together with other vital elements like Omega-3 fatty acids and Vitamin A, cod liver oil is a great source of Vitamin D. You can find it in liquid form and add it to smoothies or other foods, or you can take it as a supplement. Be sure the supplement you chose to take is pure and of the highest calibre. For people who don't like the flavour of the liquid, cod liver oil pills are also an option.

6. Consider taking Vitamin D injections

If you have severe deficits, your doctor may recommend vitamin D shots since they offer higher levels of the vitamin than you can usually get through diet. Follow the suggested dosage and always check with your doctor before taking a vitamin D shot.

7. Regularly check your blood for vitamin D levels

To make sure you're getting enough vitamin D and to modify your supplement or diet as needed, your doctor should regularly test your levels of vitamin D. Your age, current levels, and other variables will determine how frequently you undergo these tests. Moreover, make sure you get regular checkups with your doctor to ensure that your vitamin D levels are staying good.

Conclusion

If you plan to spend a lot of time outside, wear sun protection clothing, a hat, and sunglasses, reapply sunscreen every two hours, and seek out shade whenever you can.

Author Bio

Newskannada brings you all the latest health news and tips. So explore our news portal which is offering breaking kannada news, latest health news in kannada from all over the globe.

#sun exposure #vitamins #sun #nutrients #newskannada #kannada news #health #healthylifestyle

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troglobite · 8 years ago

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i know that in general people taking meds are sometimes like ‘god i can’t do this simple brain function on my own’ or whatever. and that generally if the med is otc, that’s not an issue. blah blah blah stigma etc.

and i don’t mean to be like ~wahhh i’m specially in a shitty situation~

but i wanted to include that for context idk why i’m like thinking out loud atm idk

ANYWAY

i can’t eat food without a supplement.

like literally, i can’t even have the world’s smallest snack. i can’t snack anymore. because then the amount of supplement i take would be too much.

and i have to make sure the amount i eat and the amount of supplement i take are in proportion otherwise it’ll be Off and i won’t digest normally.

even DRINKING TEA without a supplement doesn’t work well, and i’m sure as hell not taking a supplement with TEA.

my point being, i can’t eat food. unless i take a capsule or two with the meal.

i also can’t eat food WITH THE CAPSULE(S) unless i take YET ANOTHER supplement like 4-5 times during the day

now i want to emphasize that this is partly because weird digestive issues are A Thing with autism, and i have IBS, but also?

just mainly my anxiety. bad anxiety = bad digestion which = bad anxiety which = worse digestion.

so in order to cut off that cycle, and also just eat food instead of continuing to lose weight without trying (cos oh boy, that’s been FUN.), i take these supplements.

to digest food.

because my body CAN’T.

and before anyone comes at me with ~well just change your diet~

1. i literally have selective eating disorder and sensory processing disorder. WHAT DIET? 2. it LITERALLY DOES NOT MATTER WHAT I EAT. i do NOT eat junk. i eat eggs, fruits, healthy oils, hummus, some vegetables, cheese, and a few carbs, sometimes with something a lil sugary thrown in. this is AN AVERAGE HUMAN DIET. I DON’T EAT TO EXCESS, AND I DO NOT EAT “GARBAGE.” (and i want to emphasize that it’s fine if other people do, and also plenty of ~healthy~ [thin] people eat nothing but “garbage” and you don’t go after them. clearly food is NOT the root of the issue, here.) 3. i have A SHITLOAD of food allergies and sensitivities that i have to eat around. 4. which means i already know that the foods i eat DO NOT upset my stomach more than other foods i COULD be eating. in fact, it’s the other way around. so fuck off.

anyway so i’ve got this current plan to help me not be nauseous 24/7 with my doctor/naturopath/whatever (shit’s working better than what most doctors do, so i mean), but part of that plan is to lesson my anxiety so i stop feeling this way altogether.

.....i’m sorry, what? what?

look, i want my anxiety diminished as much as the next person, but in WHAT WORLD is that going to ACTUALLY happen and just STAY THAT WAY so i don’t have to take a million supplements daily just to be a facsimile of a normal functioning human?

like her proposed solution has been to include certain things (within my limits) in my diet, and for the most part lately, i’ve been including them. been eating a lot of that life-extending-and-improving mediterranean diet, bitch. hell yeah.

and then also to take a b-vitamin complex. which like, sure, i’ll try that (haven’t gotten it yet). and that’s supposed to help curb my anxiety.

but like here’s the thing.

my AWARENESS of my anxiety...is not very good. why? because, like people with chronic pain, you hit a baseline and you’re like ‘i’m good to go!’ but any average person would be like ‘nOPE.’

and like, here’s the thing. i don’t notice my anxiety anymore. i must not! or i wouldn’t constantly need all these supplements because my stomach would CHILL THE FUCK OUT when i’m LITERALLY DOING NOTHING STRENUOUS STRESSFUL OR ANXIETY INDUCING FOR THREE FUCKING DAYS STRAIGHT.

so either that--either my anxiety has reached a point where i don’t notice that i’m literally anxious 24/7--or i have a weird issue where my body 1. produces too much acid bc Anxiety Constantly 2. does not produce enough digestive enzymes 3. overproduces bile from the liver

just like. all the fucking time. and i have to do everything in my power to keep it in check.

at this point, my OPTIMISTIC viewpoint is that maybe there’ll be days in my future where i don’t have to take as many supplements, and maybe i can eat a tiny bread roll without a supplement and then not burp and feel nauseous for 3 fucking hours straight.

but the naturopath is talking about weening me off of this liver supplement thing because she wants to just Fix the Nausea another way. like this is to keep it at bay, and then she wants me to Fix the Anxiety and then that should somehow fix the problem.

and idk how to tell her (or my mom) what my therapist and i were discussing.

remember that comic that was being reblogged a few times the other day? it was a two panel comic that said ‘me 10 years ago’ and ‘me today’ and it was their mental illness drawn as a many-armed monster. and in the 10 years ago panel, it was eating her alive, and in the today panel, she was sitting next to it eating cereal and saying ‘oh hey buddy what’s up’

and my therapist showed that to me and she was like ‘the goal isn’t necessarily to get rid of your anxiety or ocd, bc i think you know that’s a little unrealistic. the goal is to find ways to live with it and make it less scary and overwhelming.’

and like. yeah. exactly. which means my stomach/digestive system might improve a little, but it will, essentially, always be like this.

because let’s not forget, some of my issues might not even stem from anxiety-related stress! it could just be that i’m autistic and we’re notorious for having weird digestive issues and sensitivities (or maybe not notorious, but there’s some correlation there).

it could also just be that i have persistent ibs that’s like ‘fuck you, i’m here to stay’ y’know?

and the reason for that could be my sensory processing disorder--that i am acutely aware of my digestion at all times, and because of that, my body responds in overexaggerated ways because Autism and SPD. so i develop ibs because of that.

and like, there’s literally no possible way to get rid of that. i’m going to be that way forever.

i’m going to need these supplements and pills forever, basically.

and that’s really fucking annoying.

because this is not Bad Enough to be like ‘i cannot consume food without these things, so i would die’. it’s not chronic pain. it’s not something Super Medical that you can point to, diagnose, explain that it’s debilitating and life threatening, etc.

it’s “i can’t eat food without these things or else i’ll be horrifically nauseous and unpleasant to be around for several hours.”

and i mean. it’s not like people believe chronic pain disorders or other diagnoses that often, anyway. y’know? they always think they know best or that they’re suggesting something to you that you’ve somehow never tried before, and that’s bullshit. ableism is everywhere.

but like. uncomfortable nausea. is about. all i got. in terms of explaining the necessity of these things.

and explaining why it’s there and why it’ll stick around forever is also like. nonsense. ‘anxiety.’ ‘get rid of anxiety, then.’ ‘autism/spd.’ ‘get rid of autism/spd, then.’ ‘ibs.’ ‘change your diet, then.’

like, look, that’s not how this works, and the ~mildness~ of the symptoms it all causes isn’t enough to override that shitty response from even a handful of those annoying as shit people.

i’m not saying ~woe is me i have it worse~ or even ~i somehow wish i had worse symptoms~

i’m complaining specifically about my own situation with context and awareness. by which i mean, it’s not anywhere near the same as other disorders and the ableism y’all deal with, but it sure is annoying as hell and kind of similar in some basic ways, if not severity.

i mean, i currently take 4 separate things for digestion, not including the 2 pills i have on hand in case none of those 4 happen to work that day. like ???? okay.

idk. i’m just complaining. i’m complaining. my relationship to food is severely fucked up. my mental health is incredibly weird. my awareness of my anxiety is totally inexplicable and even nonexistent. so like. whatever.

and then i’ve got some people insisting that this won’t be forever.

lol, try again.

#long discussion of food digestion and medication below the cut #also references to various disorders including a kind of eating disorder #also a reference to weight loss or death by starvation and references to diets (but not weight loss diets just like someone's diet)#mostly this is all just excessive complaining bc i kind of got annoyed

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cancerjupiter · 4 years ago

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astro notes: neptune edition (pt. 1)

neptune represents issues which are frequently unconscious, so all of this may operate without your awareness. if projected, the negative aspects of neptune become more emphasised. the more you reject it in your own life, the more likely it is that you’ll meet it in exaggerated ways outside yourself.

neptune in the 1st house

tends to be the kind of person who waits and sees, but your outward behavior doesn’t begin to describe what goes on inside. you feel connected to your environment because you’re aware of subtle energies, you pick up impressions from others they’re usually unaware to be giving. you find yourself in the uncomfortable position of knowing (beyond a verbal level) what others’ unconscious motivations are, what’s hidden behind their civility. you tend to be very idealistic, preferring to live in harmony: peaceful non-demanding relationships and quiet and aesthetically pleasing surroundings. you choose to think kindly of others, whether they reciprocate or not; your sensitivity gives you a natural compassion. you can be most charming, often whimsical, sometimes romantic, and usually empathic. you seem approachable and often receptive to a degree others find startling and deeply gratifying (if not a little scary lol). you want life to be perfect for yourself and others, and your desire for a better world can be channeled into artistic creative pursuits, social work, or mere daydreaming.

you often struggle with personal identity. you may be so open to others that you pick up their moods without realising it. you tend to mimic, unconsciously, the strong characteristics of the last person you were with. don’t become an emotional sponge; define your emotional boundaries and accept it is necessary for your growth to establish a firm identity. another thing i noticed about you is that you guys don’t mind suffering; no, i’m not saying you don’t hate it (everyone does!) but you seem to accept it when you don’t have to. you put others first and feel that it’s best to sacrifice your own well-being than to be responsible for someone else’s suffering.

there’s almost always a strong awareness of and interest in spiritual energies with this placement. you may actually be psychic, whether or not you’re comfortable with the ability. you may deeply religious, although not conventionally since institutions don’t satisfy you; you feel at home with a belief system you know, from personal experience, exists. your lack of interest in the real world can lead you into seriously bad habits like drug abuse or eating disorders and due to your dislike of physical activity, this can quickly damage your (often sensitive) health. alternatively, this placement can also lead to arrogance, depending on the sun and midheaven placements/aspects.

neptune in the 2nd house

you tend to be idealistic with the use of money and personal resources, not terribly attached to them. you look at them as temporary and although sad to part with something you own, you can let it go where others simply cannot. there’s an indifferent attitude towards finances, income and etc. some of you are v generous and will give things away to people who can truly admire it, believing nothing truly belongs to anyone. this outlook satisfies you greatly, making you easygoing but also easily being taken advantage of. this sort of gives you a fairy-tale attitude towards your money - it’s either always there when needed, or simply one of the world’s idiotic, materialistic preoccupations. you may be unpractical or simply forgetful with resources; not willing to sit down and figure what’s the best buy and choosing to go with intuition. purchases usually go by what you want rather than what you can afford (my friend has no idea how much is on her bank acc and doesn’t care to figure it out. she just doesn’t care lol). you should actually read the small print in contracts and not trust just anyone with your money.

alternatively, there may be a strong tendency to overvalue material things (neptune = beliefs in the house of money and possessions), specially if there’s an earth emphasis in the chart, making you inclined to putting great care and time into upkeep. you usually want your things to look aesthetic™️.

there’s also a strong creative tendency; it may be expressed in various forms but it will certainly be inherent. you need at least periodic access to music and inspiration, including the outdoors where you can soak up peace and serenity. since the 2nd house also relates to sensual pleasures, you probably expect these to provide a kind of ultimate ecstasy. in short, this placement forces you to face up to your tendencies to create illusions about money, possessions, sex, or creative pursuits. don’t expect more from them than they can provide.

neptune in the 3rd house

on one level, this placement can confuse and scatter the brain, giving it vagueness and disorganized thinking. sometimes, however, the mind exhibits uncanny insights into the subtleties of the environment. you sense the hidden nuances and meanings behind what’s being said. what you miss in terms of precise analytical ability, you can by being able to view the big-picture more clearly. there’s a danger to this however; your desire to view what’s beautiful and ideal around you can give a kind of selective perception in which only the good is seen and what doesn’t fit into that is ignored.

you don’t usually feel comfortable expressing yourself through normal channels of communication. what you have to say can be better demonstrated through dance, poetry, song, or picture (painted or taken). there’s often a shyness in the early school situation, which manifested in mental illness (my friend has dyslexia and this was a hard time for her) or simply confusion.

since this house also rules siblings, there may be some sacrifices to be made in relation to them; they may be a problem or have difficulties. since neptune fuses the boundary between the self and others, you may feel you’re responsible for their problems or everything which happens in the immediate environment (also ruled by the 3rd). if you don’t have siblings, you probably longed for the companionship of it, an idealized vision of what a sibling is. i also noticed this neptune placement showing exceptional ability as teachers - specially working w children who have learning difficulties. they can understand ways to communicate with and understand the child better than anyone else.

neptune in the 4th house

i have this one and it’s a loaded position: an unconscious planet in an unconscious house. to feel safe in a secure nest is fundamental, though that’s often quite unconscious. your idea of haven includes a lovely home, w lots of food and someone who will take care of your needs. there’s an assumption that the mother, early home life and emotional security all need to be perfect. that is, all needs will be met with ease, and there’s no upset or disappointment in these areas. the mom or other primary caregiver, is supposed to be there when needed, regardless of other commitments. the illusions connected to the 4th house (remember, neptune refers to illusions which must be exposed and released) are deeply intimate; and any threat to them is profoundly threatening to you.

neptune in the 4th generally has to overcome the strong need for the nurturing parent to not only be perfect but to continue being so into your adulthood. you have great difficulty separating from them; you may never fully do it. it doesn’t matter if they actually lived to your expectations, for their importance is in your head - the parent you idealized or pretended they were. sometimes, however, this desire focuses on the home rather than the parent. in this case, the childhood home was either perfect, or mysterious and elusive. you can react by trying to re-create the exact same nest.

with this placement, nurturing yourself becomes the ultimate value, a way to find supreme satisfaction. you can also make the most amazing caretakers and companions. your need to nurture others is a complicated expression of your own hunger to be taken care of; you give too much and eventually become resentful when no one appreciates your (not asked for) sacrifices. you might also project neptunian traits onto your parent; they may be v spiritual and loving, vague and confusing, or even absent, so you were left w only a fantasy of what they could - and should - have been. they might have also been a victim (similar to pisces moon) and you might’ve felt obligated to save them.

you feel like caring involves being swallowed up completely, and it’s something you either constantly yearn or are terrified of. you also feel if your (unrealistic) emotional security needs aren’t met, you won’t survive the disappointment (you did, and you will again). neptune in the 4th can make the most patient and loving parents, w a strong sense of their emotional bonding and spiritual responsibilities. you will do more to create an ideal parent/child relationship than anyone else and constantly remind others of how important it is to strive to be the best parent one can be.

neptune in the 5th house

this combo leads to a definite charisma, an aura of charm and power and importance (timothee, angelina, mlk, drake, etc). it’s a strong indication of some kind of acting ability, though it may be used as a teacher or a salesman rather than on stage. you’re likely to work in some area where applause and respect can be immediate and experienced personally. you need this; neptune undermines the self-confidence so you depend on others’ feedback to measure your worth. this can be a deadly dependency because even the highest praise and respect can truly fulfill the yearning to be loved unconditionally, only provide a temporary high, making you forever vulnerable.

some of the illusions related to this placement include the need to have perfect relationships and children, and the perfect artistic creation. whenever one expects perfection, they’re doomed to disappoitment, although the process of disillusionment may be needed to rethink your outlook on life. you may expect your love life to provide a complete sense of fulfillment. you can make a v romantic partner, the type to love cheesy romantic things and music, who can surround your lover with utmost affection. however, you might also expect them to sense your wishes and always meet them; or expect yourself to always be sensitive and caring at al times, regadless of your moods and/or needs.

you need to re-evaluate your tendency to romanticize lovers instead of seeing them for who they are. you may also harbor illusions towards children, your own or all, which hamper your ability to deal w them realistically and effectively. there’s a difficulty in developing a strong sense of self-worth, or maybe fancying yourself to be far more important than you really are. this placement is associated w a great deal of inspired creativity, however, and if other chart factors support it, it indicates exceptional artistic talent. with humility and self-awareness, you can use your magnetism to uplift those who have lost all confidence.

neptune in the 6th house

w this placement, neptune is in its polar opposite, since 6th house relates to virgo and neptune relates to pisces. this house is about the world as it is and how to manage it in a day-to-day basis. neptunian energy is the opposite: it yearns for and seeks to unite w the cosmos, which transcends this world. how can these two work this out?

when they’re well integrated in the chart, you can dream of neptune while using the practical 6th house skills to plan and organise the dream you wish to make true some day. it can direct the neptunian energy to envision something better, prettier, more creative and inspiring. without this, the 6th house is merely a housekeeping unit - a drive to organise and plan, but for what purpose? neptune supplies it with purpose and the house repays it with practical skills, usually related to some artistic work.

however, if the energies are at odds, there is the need to dream vs. the need to be practical and realistic. you feel a strong need to busy yourself w details and make everything as efficient as possible, tidying up and even criticising others (negative virgo energy). you may expect far too much from others and yourself, never able to say “no” when more work is piled on you. another expression is not being able to keep your shit together; you forget, are disorganized, feel tired and drained of energy, get sick often, or feel generally unfulfilled. my friend, for example, often seeks jobs for its glamorous aspects, only to get swamped by details and routine.

#astrology #zodiac signs #neptune #neptune houses #aries #taurus #gemini #cancer #leo #virgo #1st house #2nd house #3rd house #4th house #5th house #6th house

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attemptsonherlifepdf · 3 years ago

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attempts on her life: an exploration of victimhood, theatre and self-empowerment as modern feminine survival tactics

trigger warning for discussions of suicide, self harm, sexual assault, fetishism, eating disorders, implications of paedophilia and violence

‘is she not saying, your help oppresses me? is she not saying, the only way to avoid being a victim of the patriarchal structures of late 20th century capitalism is to become her own victim?’ martin crimp’s 1997 play, attempts on her life, was first performed at the royal court theatre upstairs the year of its release. written ‘for a company of actors whose composition should reflect the world beyond theatre’, the play explores the seedier, harsher aspects of reality, including pornography, ethnic violence and suicide. crimp’s central character, anne, is characterised as unique and empowered, but most importantly she is characterised by narrators and other characters describing her. the irony of a woman described as so empowered having so little voice of her own throughout the play is crucial to the question the play poses: is liberation from patriarchal constraints even possible, or do acts of reclamation serve to eventually end up catering to the male gaze regardless?

the scene ‘untitled (100 words)’ details anne’s self-destruction, manifesting in ‘various attempts to kill herself.’ it is an effort to replace being a victim of ‘patriarchal structures’ with being a victim of her own actions and emotions. arguably though, this effort may not be entirely fruitful as anne’s behaviour produces the same result she would achieve through allowing herself to cater to traditional expectations: a helpless victim of the male gaze. anne’s actions are presented as exhibitionist; while motivated by her own suicidal ideation, her attempts to take her life work as ‘a kind of theatre for a world in which theatre itself has died.’ she leaves a ‘gallery’ of memorabilia surrounding her attempts, including ‘medicine bottles, records of hospital admissions polaroids of the several hiv positive with whom she has intentionally had unprotected intercourse, pieces of broken glass...suicide notes…’ a narrator describes this exhibition as ‘the spectacle of her own existence, the radical pronography...the religious object.’ the semantic field of language in this scene associated with anne’s suicide attempts is littered with sexualisation and ideas of performance: ‘its sexy...voeyuers...pornography...object of herself...to be consumed...self-indulgent...entertaining.’ this opens up a dialogue between the narrators that evaluates her suicidal behaviour as a piece of artwork. one asks ‘who would possibly accept this kind of undigested exhibitionism as a work of art?’ while the other offers the idea that ‘gestures of radicalism take on new meaning in a society where the radical gesture is simply one more form of entertainment - in this case artwork - to be consumed.’ as uncomfortable as it is to suggest, anne’s suicidality is both fetishised and commodified, something that is partially her own doing. the concepts of ‘pure narcissism’ and ‘self-indulgence’ are attributed to her performance, along with one of the narrators pushing for her to receive psychiatric treatment. an obvious but viable interpretation of anne’s ‘gallery’ is that it is an exaggerated cry for help, where she lays out the evidence of her mental state in the hopes of receiving validation or assistance. this idea is disputed by this narrator’s counterpart, who suggests that ‘help is the last thing she wants.’ the sexualised language used and the repeated hints at exhibitionism could indicate that her performance is for the purpose of her own sexual pleasure: ‘surely our presence [the audience] here makes us mere voyeurs in bedlam.’ in forcing those around her to witness her mental decline, anne may be participating in fetishism. she certainly is acting with the intention of performing, and of being watched.

this is where the idea of empowerment and reclamation comes in. anne forces her peers into watching, something that she gets pleasure from, and this arguably serves as a reversal of typical sexual dynamics which place men in dominant, pleasure-receiving roles roles. in self-destructive behaviours, she reclaims her body and chooses to destroy it herself rather than allowing others to do it to her. however, in the process of doing so she achieves the same result that she would if she were allowing her environment to shape her into an object of the male gaze; that is to say, a helpless object. men’s stereotypical attraction to what ibsen referred to as ‘feminine helplessness’ tends to be the driving force of the objectification of women. it can be argued that this objectification is inevitable and thus anne’s efforts to control the means by which it occurs is the closest she can get to liberating herself from it. finding a way to enjoy or bear something painful and inevitable serves as a survival mechanism; ‘not the object of others, but the object of herself.’

the aesthetic framing of anne’s violence against herself is incredibly significant to its relevance as a piece of artwork. in ‘aesthetic violence and women in film: kill bill with flying daggers’, kupfer argues that film, and by extension plays and scripts, aesthetically frame violence in three ways: symbolically, structurally, and as a narrative essential. anne’s violence can be characterised as self harm and fulfills these three framings. symbolically it is an act of free will and a reclamation of her own body, an opportunity to enjoy her ‘inevitable’ objectification. structurally, the scene ‘untitled (100 words)’ occurs five scenes after the last discussion of anne’s suicidality within the play, a scene titled ‘mum and dad.’ this sets up certain aspects of anne’s performative nature in advance. after a suicide attempt she describes ‘[feeling] like a screen’ to her parents: ‘where everything from the front looks real and alive, but round the back there’s just dust and a few wires...an absence of character.’ here she details an experience of feeling disconnected from herself beyond her performance. the act of using performance as a means of openly criticising performance is certainly subversive, and is a device seen in more modern media, such as bojack horseman (‘i felt like a xerox of a xerox of a xerox...not my character’) and in bo burnham’s ‘inside.’ crimp uses his play to propose ideas about the nature of acting, particularly its role in the lives of women. the sentiment of acting being a survival tactic for women is echoed in much earlier texts, such as ibsen’s ‘a doll’s house.’ throughout the play nora caters to her husband’s infantalised fantasies of her whenever he is present, and doing so results in him giving her an allowance and certain limited but significant moments of freedom. torvald admits, ‘i would not be a man if your feminine helplessness did not make you doubly attractive in my eyes’ and repeatedly states that he wishes some ‘terrible fate’ would befall his wife so that he could have the pleasure of rescuing her. anne’s performance of suicidality, of feeling ‘beyond help’, would likely be received by men similarly to how nora’s childish facade is received by her husband, as a fantasy that involves saving her for their own sense of pleasure and accomplishment. however, what makes anne’s behaviour ‘radical’ is her refusal to accept help. she recognises that her feelings of hopelessness are fetishised and argues that ‘your help oppresses me.’ this sentiment is also reflected in ‘a doll’s house’; nora must refuse torvald’s money and help in order to pursue her own freedom in the final act. catering to his idealised image of a wife only served to help her survive her household, not to prosper or be her individual self. she had to leave the environment which forced her to perform behind entirely in order to discover who she is beyond the act. not accepting help is anne’s version of this, but the narrators consider the idea that even in isolating her act to only include herself, anne still cannot escape objectification. her ‘radical gesture’ of destroying herself and laying out the evidence of her behaviour is ‘simply one more form of entertainment, one more product… to be consumed.’ an earlier scene, titled ‘the camera loves you’ includes the line ‘we need to go for the sexiest scenario’, a statement which accurately summarises the likely reception to anne’s ‘dialogue of objects.’ arguably another aspect of what makes anne’s predicament ‘the sexiest scenario’ is that even within the text itself she is the subject of the conversation, but rarely a participant. anne is described by narrators, art critics, her parents, her family, etc, but only ever speaks for herself when her defiant statements are being quoted by one of these narrators. descriptions of her self-inflicted violence fit kupfer’s final framing: a narrative essential.

interestingly, the play consists of a somewhat non-linear narrative, where each of its 17 scenes has its own plot unconnected to that of the last. as a result, a narrative essential in ‘attempts on her life’ would be a device, or in this case an instance of violence, which builds our understanding of both anne and the play’s messages, rather than a traditional narrative essential which would drive the plot forwards. the play delivers multiple instances of various forms of violence, ranging from ethnic violence to self harm to forced pornography. anne’s self-injury in particular is framed just prior to and just after the midpoint of the play. before the midpoint, the audience learns of her ‘terrible detachment’ from the character she plays, how she ‘feels like a screen.’ the midpoint, a scene titled ‘the international threat of terrorism™’ opens with a brief analysis of a statement made by anne: ‘i do not recognise your authority.’ the speaker asks, ‘does she really imagine that anything can justify her acts of random senseless violence?’ ‘random’ and ‘senseless’ seem ill-fitting qualities to attribute to anne’s violence, particularly given that her parents state ‘she’s planned all this.’ however, this midpoint scene states ‘no one can find anne’s motive’, seemingly the reason that the speaker cannot see a possible justification for her behaviour. choosing not to recognise the authority of those around her is yet another aspect of our protagonist’s performance that is ‘radical.’ in neglecting to acknowledge the power of those objectifying her, anne is achieving two things; either she is allowing herself to experience her own body and emotions without it being for the sake of others, or she is allowing herself to be fetishised and is simply in denial of it. her defiance is complex and the results of it, and indeed the motivations behind it, are difficult to ascertain.

martin crimp’s use of 17 separate individual scenes rather than a traditional singular plot narrative allows the audience to gain a multifaceted understanding of many multifaceted issues. anne is placed and acts within varying contexts such as her own personal self destruction, destruction of land that comes with ethnic cleansing, the commodification of female bodies and two different familial structures. the scene ‘the camera loves you’ emphasises how anne is an ‘everywoman’ but rather than this term being used to describe an average woman in daily life, it instead refers to a woman who is, simply put, everything. anne is described in the scene ‘girl next door’ as ‘the girl next door...royalty…a pornographic movie star...a killer and a brand of car...a terrorist threat...a mother of three...femme fatale...a presidential candidate...a predator…’ by not allocating a specific speaker to each line, crimp allows the director to decide who describes anne and in what way. lines such as ‘what we see here is the work of a girl who clearly should have been admitted, not to an art school but to a psychiatric unit’ can be spoken by a parent, an art critic, a teacher, anyone, and the relation of the speaker to anne is what characterises the comment and thus characterises her. someone described as ‘self indulgent’ by a parent is very different to someone described the same way by a lover. this means that anne is not just every woman, but every woman to everyone. by placing this ‘everywoman’ in such a range of contexts, she arguably becomes a plot device used to convey meaning, and it can be argued that this negates the more empowered features of her character. it is entirely common for female characters to be reduced to plot devices, however most often when this occurs, the character is two-dimensional. anne, on the other hand, is consistently given additional layers to her character in every scene; she exists to be characterised. excessive use of character description in conjunction with limited speaking time is either evidence that crimp’s writing is atypical in style but not theme, or that it is poignant.

arguably, by giving anne countless traits and emphasising ideas of performance and media, crimp is using his 17 scenes as an extreme example of the commodification of female bodies. anne is sold to the audience as this larger-than-life persona, someone who fulfils a million roles in subversive ways that are interesting to watch, but she still ‘feels like a screen.’ again, this sentiment of the effects of performance on an actor is echoed in many modern texts and pieces of media, but ‘attempts on her life’ makes this point in specific reference to women. real life examples of anne’s treatment exist, and her ‘everywoman’ role allows audiences to relate anne to any number of women existing in media. the way that others only talk about anne when describing or evaluating her mimics the way that agencies and record labels create a solid branding for their actors, musicians, and so on. this brand becomes an intrinsic part of their genuine personality as they cannot be caught behaving in a way that is not consistent with it. acting becomes a constant, and these women are constantly selling a brand or persona, and have very little space to behave in ways that feel true to themselves instead. acting ‘out of character’ results in the loss of public support, funding from agencies, job offers, etc, and thus the character created for celebrities is vital to their survival in their respective industries. as previously discussed, traditional texts argue the importance of theatre for women’s survival just as much, namely ibsen’s ‘a doll’s house.’ the same way nora must leave the environment that forces her to act in order to be happy or individual, anne must do the same; but her attempts at suicide suggest that the environment forcing her performance is not a household or an industry, but ‘the patriarchal structures of late twentieth century capitalism.’ either she dies or ‘becomes her own victim’ in an attempt to escape constant performance, but even her death becomes somewhat performative. even dead, many female celebrities continue their branding through martyrdom. there is very little room for one to make art detailing suicide, sex, and the like without seemingly crossing the line between expression and glorification. women who suffer are not necessarily acting, but as their suffering is a part of their life experience, it becomes interwoven in their branding or public image: amy winehouse’s experiences with alcoholism and bulimia come to mind. winehouse never glorified alcoholism herself, but songs such as ‘rehab’ and documentaries covering her illness released after her death have certainly been accused of doing so. agencies and other creatives took advantage of winehouse’s struggles in order to perform their own ‘activism’ or ‘spreading of awareness.’

in light of ‘attempts on her life’ and the concepts surrounding performance that it poses, we must consider: is liberation from patriarchal constraints even possible, or do acts of reclamation serve to eventually end up catering to the male gaze regardless? it would not be accurate to the play’s style and purpose to try to make one singular conclusion to this question. crimp uses varying styles and contexts in order to showcase the various aspects there are to this issue; the necessity of performance, the constraints it leads to, the sexualisation of suffering, brand maintenance, and so on. anne’s lack of voice in this play can be read either as an example of the very thing the play criticises, or simply just poor usage of character, and the former feels most appropriate for crimp’s writing style. the play implies that victimhood can be intrinsic to womanhood, but presents anne’s defiance as ideallised, encouraging it. theatre can be used as both a survival mechanism and a method of empowerment, but the play posits that it is only empowering to a certain extent; it allows one to control the means by which they are objectified but not to actually avoid objectification. one can behave in undesirable manners, such as anne’s displays of suicidality and exhibitionism, but then we must examine their motivations. is anne behaving in this way solely based upon her low mental health? or is the fact that she is also engaging in a form of exhibitionism and forcing an audience evidence of her sexualising her own experience? if so, her sexualisation of suicidal behaviour likely stems from the ‘patriarchal structures’ she is working to avoid being a victim of, suggesting that it is not possible to liberate oneself from them. anne is evidence that women are not separate from the patriarchy, but active participants in it as it is a collection of ideals engraved into western society. it would be unfair and somewhat dejected to conclude that these ideals cannot be unlearned, but ‘attempts on her life’ certainly illustrates that unlearning them is a more active and difficult task than simply holding a feminist ideology.

i.k.b

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tipsycad147 · 3 years ago

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Poseidon – Greek God of the Sea

Poseidon is the ancient Greek god of the seas. He was known as a protector of sailors as well as the patron of many different Greek cities and colonies. His ability to create earthquakes gained him the title of “Earth Shaker” by those who worshipped him. As one of the Twelve Olympians, Poseidon is featured heavily throughout Greek mythology and art. His powerful role as god of the sea meant he interacted directly with many Greek heroes as well as various other gods and goddesses.

Poseidon’s Origins

Poseidon was one of the children of the Titans Uranus and Rhea, along with Demeter, Hades, Hestia, Hera and Chiron. Uranus was fearful of the fulfillment of a prophecy which stated that one of his children would overthrow him. To thwart destiny, Uranus swallowed all his children. However, his son Zeus conspired with Rhea and overthrew Cronus. He freed his siblings, including Poseidon, by having Cronus disgorge them.

After his father, Cronus, was defeated, the world was said to then be divided between Poseidon and his brothers, Zeus and Hades. Poseidon was given the seas to be his domain while Zeus received the sky and Hades the underworld.

Who is Poseidon?

Poseidon was a major god and as a result was worshipped in many cities. His more magnanimous side saw him creating new islands and calming the seas in order to aid sailors and fishermen.

When angered, however, he was believed to cause floods, earthquakes, drownings, and shipwrecks as punishment. Poseidon could also cause certain disorders, specifically epilepsy. Poseidon’s association with the sea and sailing meant that sailors venerated him, frequently praying to him and sometimes even sacrificing horses to him by drowning them.

Amongst the peoples of the isolated island Arcadia, Poseidon usually appeared as a horse and the river spirit of the underworld. Arcadians believe that while in horse form, the stallion Poseidon pursued the goddess Demeter (who was also in horse form as a mare). Soon after, Demeter gave birth to the stallion Arion and mare Despoina. More widely, however, he is known as the tamer of horses or simply as their father.

The Children and Consorts of Poseidon

Poseidon was known to have had many lovers (both male and female) and even more children. While he fathered quite a few minor gods and goddesses as well as mythological creatures, he was also believed to have sired some heroes, such as Theseus. Here are some of the most significant consorts and children connected with Poseidon:

Amphitrite is a sea goddess as well as the wife of Poseidon. They had a son named Triton, who was a merman.

Theseus the mythical king and founder of Athens was thought to be a son of Poseidon.

Tyro was a mortal woman who fell in love with a river god named Enipeus. Although she attempted to be with him, Enipeus refused her. Poseidon, seeing an opportunity to bed the beautiful Tyro, disguised himself as Enipeus. Tyro soon gave birth to the twin boys Pelias and Neleus.

Poseidon had an affair with Alope, his granddaughter, and through her fathered the hero Hippothoon. Horrified and angered by their affair, Alope’s father (and son of Poseidon) had her buried alive. In a moment of kindness, Poseidon turned Alope’s body into the spring, Alope, located near Eleusis.

The mortal Amymone was being pursued by a lecherous chthonic satyr who was attempting to rape her. Poseidon rescued her and together they had a child named Nauplius.

A woman named Caenis was abducted and raped by Poseidon. Afterwards, Poseidon offered to grant Caenis a single wish. Caenis, disgusted and distraught, wished that she could be changed into a man so that she couldn’t be violated again. Poseidon granted her wish in addition to giving her impenetrable skin. Caenis was thereafter known as Caeneus and went on to become a minor Greek hero.

Poseidon raped Medusa inside a temple dedicated to Athena. This angered Athena who punished Medusa by changing her into a monster. Upon being killed by the hero Perseus, two children emerged from Medusa’s body. These were Chrysaor, depicted as a young man, and the winged horse Pegasus—both sons of Poseidon.

Poseidon is also thought to have fathered the Cyclops Polyphemus as well as the giants Alebion, Bergion, Otos, and Ephialtae.

One of Poseidon’s male lovers was a minor sea deity, known as Nerites. Nerites was thought to be in love with Poseidon. Poseidon returned his love and their mutual affection was the origin of Anteros, the god of requited love. Poseidon made Nerites his charioteer and showered him with his attentions. Possibly out of jealousy, the sun god Helios turned Nerites into a shellfish.

Stories Involving Poseidon

Many of the myths involving Poseidon reference his quick temper and easily offended nature. These stories also tend to involve Poseidon’s children or gifts.

Poseidon and Odysseus

During the Odyssey, the hero Odysseus comes upon one of Poseidon’s sons, the cyclops Polyphemus. Polyphemus is a one eyed, man-eating giant that captures and kills many of Odysseus’ crew. Odysseus tricks Polyphemus, ultimately blinding his single eye and escaping with the remainder of his men. Polyphemus prays to his father, Poseidon, asking for him to never allow Odysseus to arrive home. Poseidon hears his son’s prayer and thwarts Odysseus journey back to his home for almost twenty years, killing many of his men in the process.

Poseidon and Athena

Poseidon and Athena both competed to become the patron of Athens. It was agreed that both of them would give a gift to the Athenians and then the king, Cecrops, would choose the better one between them. Poseidon thrust his trident into the dry ground and a spring appeared. However, the water was salty and therefore undrinkable. Athena offered the Athenians an olive tree which could provide wood, oil, and food to the Athenian people. Cecrops chose Athena’s gift, and incensed from losing, Poseidon sent a flood to the Attic Plain as punishment.

King Minos and Poseidon

To justify his new position as King of Crete, the mortal Minos prayed to Poseidon for a sign. Poseidon sent a gigantic white bull, who walked out of the sea with the expectation that Minos would later sacrifice the bull. Minos became fond of the bull and instead sacrificed a different one, which angered Poseidon. In his rage, Poseidon cursed Mino’s wife, Pasiphaë, to love the white bull. Pasiphaë eventually gave birth to the famous monster, the Minotaur who was half man and half bull.

Symbols of Poseidon

Poseidon rides a chariot pulled by a hippocampus, a mythical horse-like creature with fins for hooves.

He is associated with dolphins and allied with all creatures of the sea as that is his domain.

He uses a trident, which is a triple-pronged spear used for fishing.

Some other symbols of Poseidon include the horse and the bull.

Poseidon in Roman Mythology

Poseidon’s equivalent in Roman mythology is Neptune. Neptune is known as the god of freshwater as well as the sea. He’s also associated strongly with horses, even going so far as to be known as the patron of horse racing.

Poseidon in Modern Times

Poseidon is worshipped today as a part of modern Hellenic religion as the worship of Greek gods was recognized by the Greek government back in 2017.

The young adult book series Percy Jackson and the Olympians by Rick Riordan prominently features Poseidon. The main character, Percy, is the son of Poseidon. In the novels, Percy fights Greek monsters and frequently encounters other children of Poseidon, some of whom are evil.

Lessons from Poseidon’s Story

Lecherous and Lustful – Poseidon is frequently lascivious and driven by his need to possess others sexually. His thoughtless actions impact many of those around him, although rarely himself.

The Destroyer – Poseidon’s powers lean far more strongly towards destruction than they do towards creation. He is the god of earthquakes, tsunamis, and hurricanes. He takes out his anger and frustration on those who are often innocent of helpless to stop him.

Emotional Rollercoaster – Poseidon’s emotions run deep. He is a poor loser, and often displays uncontrollable rage. He can be either cruel or kind and seemingly change between the two on a dime. He often operates from based in emotions rather than logic.

Poseidon Facts

1- Who are Poseidon’s parents?

Poseidon’s parents are the Titans Cronus and Rhea.

2- Did Poseidon have children?

Yes, Poseidon had numerous children. Some of the most notable include Pegasus, Chrysaor, Theseus and Triton.

3- Who are Poseidon’s siblings?

Poseidon’s siblings include Hera, Demeter, Chiron, Zeus, Hestia and Hades.

4- Who were Poseidon’s consorts?

Poseidon’s consorts include Demeter, Aphrodite, Medusa and many others.

5- What is Poseidon the god over?

Poseidon is the god of the sea, storms, earthquakes and horses.

6- What were Poseidon’s powers?

Poseidon could control the sea, creating storms, manipulating tides, lightning and tsunamis. He could also make the earth quake.

7- Could Poseidon shapeshift?

Like Zeus, Poseidon could transform into other shapes. He often did this to have affairs with mortals.

In Brief

Poseidon’s impact on Greek mythology is enormous. As one of the Twelve Olympians as well as ruler of the seas, Poseidon interacts with other gods, monsters, and mortals alike. Frequently, he can be seen granting boons to heroes or, conversely, raining destruction upon them. He is a prominent figure in pop culture today, appearing in books and television, in addition to still being worshipped by modern day people.

https://symbolsage.com/poseidon-god-of-sea/

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spurgie-cousin · 4 years ago

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WHW Royals Edition 👑 Part 1: Anne, Queen of Great Britain

Born: February 6th, 1665 at St James's Palace, Westminster, Middlesex, England Died: August 1st, 1714 (age 49) at Kensington Palace, Middlesex Reign: March 8th, 1702 - August 1st, 1714

I thought I’d give you guys a little intro to Anne, Queen of Great Britain as a start for my series on weirdo royals. I got big into her after seeing the Yorgos Lanthimos film The Favourite (can’t recommend enough) and that resulted in endless hours of internet wormholes about her bizarre and interesting life. I’ve read about a lot of fucked up royals in my life (truly there’s many) but it was only when I was reading about Anne that I kind of had an ‘a-ha’ moment about how really drastically the monarchial system can fuck a person up.

Queen Anne fits this bill for me for a lot of reason; she was a surprise Queen who was woefully underprepared for ruling, which led to people pushing their political agendas on her under the guise of genuine affection. It’s hard to know if the relationships that define her legacy and life in popular culture were genuine, or if they would’ve existed at all had she not been a royal. Her legacy is muddied by the traditional, patriarchal writers of history of course and it sometimes is hard to get a clear picture of who she really was, but here are a few tidbits about her life and rule:

Anne’s signature

1. Queen Anne was born Anne Stuart, daughter of James II and Anne Hyde and raised in the traditional way for aristocratic girls, with an education that emphasized on arts, language, and music. This eventually proved to suck dick for her big time later on in life when she became queen. Traditionally, girls were purposefully taught nothing useful about politics or history because it was assumed they would never rule (cough) and this left Anne very much lacking in the political discourse department as a monarch; all of her future speeches and even remarks made around political figures would have to be scripted by advisors. If she found herself off script and not knowing what to say, it’s said that she’d sometimes “move only her lips and make as if she said something when in truth no words were uttered.”

2. 8 year old Anne first met friend Sarah Jennings (Churchill) when she was a lady in waiting at just 5 years old. As you’ll see later on, Sarah goes on to be one of the (if not the most) influential person in the Queen’s life, becoming a trusted friend and political advisor.

3. Anne was what we would probably refer to today as a ‘hot mess express’. The poor gal had a myriad of health issues, both mentally and physically, all of which only got worse as she aged. She suffered from gout and an undefined auto-immune disorder (we think) as well as a bizarre eye-watering disorder and poor vision. It’s also pretty evident that she didn’t have the best relationship with alcohol or food and most likely developed a binge eating disorder later in her life (she was very large at the time of her death and there are a few accounts of her eating to the point of puking in front of other people).

4. Besides her relationships with Sarah and Abigail Masham, Queen Anne is also known mostly known for the tragic loss of her 17 pregnancies. Of all her births she had only 5 live babies, only one of which survived beyond infancy. Her son William was also afflicted with various illnesses all of his life and died at the age of 11.

Prince William, Anne’s longest surviving child

5. Anne became queen by accident, after her Catholic father was ousted as king by her protestant brother in-law. He and her sister ruled for a short time before dying of pneumonia and smallpox respectively with no heir in place, so Anne, who supported the protestant reformation, was crowned Queen.

6. Over the years Anne and Sarah Churchill became extremely close friends, and most accounts agree that Sarah had an incredible amount of influence over Anne’s political decisions. Sarah is said to have had a more natural affinity for politics, and to have had a completely opposite disposition than Anne. Some think that Sarah may have maintained the relationship only to keep her political control.

7. A lot of people that believe that Anne and Sarah were so close because they were lovers. The pair at one time wrote each other 4 letters a day, that included things like “I had rather live in a cottage with you than reign empress of the world without you,” “Oh come to me as soon as you can that I may cleave myself to you,” one of Queen Anne’s “I can’t go to bed without seeing you… If you knew in what condition you have made me, I am sure you would pity.” I don’t think I necessarily share that opinion, for reasons you’ll see below.

8. Sarah was the only person under Anne that was allowed to speak to her without using a title. The two often used their nicknames for each other: Mrs. Morley (Anne) and Mrs. Freeman (Sarah).

Sarah Churchill, 1702

9. A lot of scholars disagree with the notion that Anne had any gay affairs with anyone, including Sarah, for a few reasons; first because, at the time, it was just apparently normal to act hella gay with your friends, particularly for royals, so excessive touching or writing wouldn’t have raised any alarms. Most historians attribute this to the extreme separation of the sexes, particularly in upper class households. Most people spent 90% of their time exclusively with people of their own gender, so it was a means to have your emotional needs met within the confines of your station. If an aristocrat started ‘friend flirting’ with you, it was also seen as rude to not reciprocate.

10. A few other reasons Anne was probably not lesbian: she had a pretty good relationship with her husband (Prince George of Denmark), and the 17 pregnancies thing suggests that they weren’t having any problems in the bedroom department. Also, when Anne later became close friends with Sarah’s cousin Abigail, Sarah became jealous and began to spread rumors that the two were gay lovers (more on that below). This rumor probably stuck and carried over into other areas of her life. Or maybe Anne was bi and both things were true, who knows.

Anne circa 1685. All physical descriptions of Anne, especially in her later years, don’t describe her in the most glowing terms, which is insane to think about when I see portraits like this.

11. Anne began to grow distant from Sarah after her husband’s death in 1708, which all sources agree flung the queen into a huge depression. She was said to have sat by and kissed his dead body long after his death. Sarah took a tough love approach to try and snap the queen out of it, which backfired. This was when Anne began to get close to Abigail Masham, which infuriated Sarah.

12. Sarah was so mad at Anne for this that she literally wrote a song about her and Abigail being gay together, printed it out on a pamphlet, and passed it around court Mean Girls-style. The pamphlet read: “When as Queen Anne of great renown / Great Britain’s sceptre swayed / Beside the Church she dearly loved / A dirty chambermaid O Abigail that was her name / She starched and stitched full well / But how she pierced this royal heart / No mortal man can tell However for sweet service done / And causes of great weight / Her royal mistress made her, Oh! / A minister of state Her secretary she was not / Because she could not write / But had the conduct and the care / Of some dark deeds at night.”

13. Besides Sarah, a lot of people took Anne’s relative political ignorance as an invitation to push their own political agendas. It didn’t help that her reign coincided with a rapid development of a 2 party parliamentary system, as the gap between the protestant Whigs and the Catholic Tories began to widen.

14. One of Anne’s crowning political achievements was the 1707 Act of Union uniting England and Scotland under the banner of Great Britain (she had good ideas sometimes, although it’s hard to tell if they came from her or her many influential advisors). Consequently, she was the first ruler to ever rule over united Great Britain.

15. After a series of pretty horrible strokes, poor Anne died at the age of 49 in August of 1714 with no heirs and without reconciling with Sarah Churchill. To her credit, it’s said that despite her failing health she continued to attend cabinet meetings as often as possible until her death. She is buried beside her husband and children in the Henry VII Chapel on the South Aisle of Westminster Abbey.

#weird history wednesday

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trevorydwq-blog · 3 years ago

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Drug And Alcohol Addiction

Lots of people do not recognize why or exactly how other individuals end up being addicted to medications. They may incorrectly think that those that use medications do not have moral principles or willpower and that they might stop their substance abuse merely by selecting to. Actually, medicine addiction is a complicated disease, and stopping typically takes more than excellent intentions or a solid will. Drugs alter the brain in manner ins which make giving up hard, also for those that intend to. Luckily, scientists recognize even more than ever regarding exactly how drugs impact the brain and also have located treatments that can assist individuals recuperate from medicine addiction and lead effective lives.

What Is medicine dependency?

Addiction is a persistent disease characterized by medicine looking for as well as make use of that is uncontrollable, or difficult to regulate, regardless of unsafe effects. The preliminary decision to take medicines is voluntary for the majority of people, yet duplicated drug use can bring about mind adjustments that challenge an addicted individual's self-control and also interfere with their capability to resist extreme advises to take medications. These brain changes can be persistent, which is why medicine addiction is taken into consideration a "relapsing" illness-- people in recovery from substance abuse conditions are at increased risk for going back to drug use also after years of not taking the drug.

It prevails for a person to relapse, yet relapse doesn't suggest that treatment doesn't function. Just like various other chronic wellness conditions, treatment should be ongoing and also need to be changed based on exactly how the person reacts. Therapy plans require to be examined often and changed to fit the person's changing demands.

What occurs to the brain when an individual takes medicines?

A lot of medicines influence the mind's "benefit circuit," creating bliss in addition to swamping it with the chemical messenger dopamine. An effectively functioning benefit system inspires an individual to duplicate actions required to thrive, such as eating as well as spending time with loved ones. Rises of dopamine in the reward circuit create Discover more the support of enjoyable however unhealthy actions like taking medications, leading people to repeat the behavior time and again.

As a person continues to make use of drugs, the brain adapts by decreasing the capability of cells in the benefit circuit to react to it. This lowers the high that the individual feels contrasted to the high they felt when first taking the medicine-- an effect referred to as tolerance. They may take even more of the drug to try and also achieve the very same high. These brain adjustments frequently result in the individual becoming much less and less able to obtain satisfaction from various other points they once took pleasure in, like food, sex, or social tasks.

Who's Probably to Become Addicted?

Each person's body and also mind are different. Individuals likewise respond differently to medications. Some like the feeling the first time they attempt it and want more. Others hate it and never try once again.

Not everybody that uses medications becomes addicted. But it can occur to anyone and at any kind of age. Some things might elevate your opportunities of addiction, including:

Household background. Your genetics are in charge of about half of your chances. If your parents or siblings have problems with alcohol or medicines, you're more probable too. Ladies as well as males are similarly likely to come to be addicted.

Early substance abuse. Kid's brains are still expanding, and drug use can transform that. So taking medications at an early age might make you more likely to obtain addicted when you age.

Mental disorders. If you're depressed, have difficulty taking note, or fret continuously, you have a greater possibility of addiction. You might rely on medicines as a method to attempt to feel much better. A history of trauma in your life likewise makes you most likely to have dependency.

Troubled relationships. If you grew up with family members problems as well as aren't close to your moms and dads or siblings, it may raise your possibilities of addiction.

Indications of Dependency

You might have several of these indication:

An urge to make use of the medication everyday, or often times a day

Taking extra medicines than you intend to, as well as for longer than you believed you would certainly

Constantly having the medication with you, and also buying it even if you can not manage it

Using medications also if they create you difficulty at the workplace or make you blast family and friends

Spending more time alone.

Not caring for yourself or caring just how you look

Taking, existing, or doing unsafe things, like driving while high or having risky sex

Investing the majority of your time obtaining, using, or recovering from the results of the medicine

Really feeling unwell when you try to give up

Treating Drug And Alcohol Misuse

Alcohol consumption and also medicines can ruin your partnerships with family and friends, your occupation as well as your wellness. While you might really feel as though there's no end in sight, aid is available. Alcohol as well as drug abuse are treatable conditions that can be gotten over with the assistance of therapy specialists. Regrettably, these conditions are usually under-treated because of an absence of knowledge regarding recovery programs offered.

Obtain Help Today

Turn the web page and also start a brand-new chapter. There are several therapy options available, consisting of inpatient rehabilitation, federal government centers, counseling as well as support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous and AI-Anon. Call a therapy company today for more information.

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tallmantall · 11 months ago

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#Anxiety #CelebratingYourGiftofLife #Depression #JamesDonaldson #JamesDonaldsonnotes:Welcometothe“nextchapter”ofmylife…beingavoiceandanadvocateformentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention #JamesDonaldsonMentalHealth #JamesDonaldsononMentalHealth #MentalChallenges #MentalHealth #MentalHealthProfessionals #MentalHealthStigma #MentalIllness #MentalIssues #Stigma #Suicide #YourGiftofLife #YourGiftofLife.org #YourGiftofLifeFoundation

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feliciamontagues · 4 years ago

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adhd father brown hcs??? sign me tf up!

Okay, so I’ve had most of these thoughts/interpretations for awhile but I was not expecting to morph into such a ginormous post

A few caveats before we begin.

1) Obviously due to the period drama setting, Father Brown would likely never be officially diagnosed as having ADHD, as the disorder as we know it today only started to be seriously studied in the 1970s. Furthermore as I mentioned before, I head canon him as having either the “primarily inattentive” (what used to be called/separately diagnosed as ADD) or the “combined” subtype of ADHD , which statistically fly under the radar more than those with more “hyperactive” symptoms.

2) I don’t think he is intentionally written and/or performed as ADHD-coded and I don’t expect canon will ever “confirm this.” A LOT of character types/ tropes in fiction have developed around characters that display neurodiverse symptoms that may not be immediately obvious to neurotypical content producers or consumers. In particular the “brilliant-but-lazy” and/or “charmingly eccentric” character shows up frequently in detective fiction. (Other examples: Hercule Poirot is pretty regularly interpreted as having OCD and Sherlock Holmes as having ADHD and/or autism spectrum disorder).

3) There’s a bit of discourse about the word “neurodiverse” and who should be “allowed” to claim it. Some people consider it a term that should be exclusively used to describe people with autism spectrum disorder (ASD). However, most experts believe that “neurodiversity” encompasses a much wider umbrella that also includes ADHD, OCD, Tourettes/tics, dyslexia, PTSD, various sensory and processing disorders, and more in addition to ASD.

For the purpose of this, we will be using the word in the broader, more inclusive sense that includes ADHD and other similar disorders. We will also be using terms such as “special interest,” “hyperfixation,” “comfort object,” “stim/stimming” , etc that are more commonly associated with ASD--but that are also present in many individuals with ADHD.

Now to the main event. (below the cut because it’s really long.) Also feel free to comment or add to this post.

Father Brown & ADHD (head canons, symptoms, and interpretations)

He is absent-minded and easily distracted, especially when it comes to mundane day-to-day tasks. I can’t even begin to count the number of times Mrs. M has to remind him to eat, sleep, clean, have something repaired, and/or do paperwork And it’s pretty strongly implied that the squad’s interventions (and especially Mrs. M) are just about the only thing keeping him on task.

Special mention has to go to the time where he just straight-up LEFT MASS in the middle of his homily, because he’d suddenly thought of a potential lead for the case and needed to investigate it immediately. (”The Jackdaw’s Revenge”)

Another special mention has to go to the sizable pile of overdue library books that he’s supposedly “been meaning to take back for ages” but kept forgetting. In this same scene, Mrs. M specifically refers to him as a “hoarder.” (“The Lepidopterist's Companion”)

He is fairly observant when hyperfocusing and tends to notice details and inconsistencies that others might not. He’s also very good at making surprising and unexpected “bigger picture” connections. He’s also more likely to consider multiple possible theories at once rather than focusing on the most likely, obvious one (as the inspectors do).

His permanent special interests are mysteries and theology. Interestingly, his theology interest extends beyond Christianity/Catholicism--as he is also very knowledgeable and curious about several other religions/denominations/ways of practicing faith, as well as atheism and more generalized spirituality. He was even willing to give Kalon’s “so -obviously-a-cult-and-not-even-a-cool-one” organization a fair shake at first.

In addition to his permanent special interests, he is also very curious in general about a lot of different things and will often develop brief-but-strong interests in something pertaining to the case of the week.

He stims primarily by riding his bike everywhere. The fact he loves his bike enough to name it (”Bucephalus” after Alexander the Great’s horse) suggests that it may also be a comfort object for him.

His other major stims are eating (more about that later) and touching his umbrella.

Speaking of his umbrella, a decent case could be made for it as a comfort object.” Father Brown takes it with him whenever he needs to leave St. Mary’s/the presbytery, even on occasions where he’s unlikely to encounter rain. The few times he is separated from his umbrella we are meant to see this a really big deal. His lending Flambeau his umbrella in “The Judgement of Man” is presented as a gesture of true kindness and friendship. When Father B. is forced to leave his umbrella behind in “The Whistle in the Dark,” Bunty immediately buys him a new one.

His two biggest vices are his tendency to overeat (especially his love for sweet things) and his interest in listening to the horse races. Fortunately, neither of these things has become a big problem as of yet (especially as he’s content to listen to the races without betting on them and has Mrs. M to stop him from eating too much sugary treats). However, it is worth noting that people with ADHD are especially susceptible to overeating, gambling, and other addiction problems, as they are constantly seeking stimulation.

His relationship with Rejection Sensitivity is somewhat unique. Because he has such a strong support system, he seems to handle personal rejection fairly well. However, his RSD still manifests in terms of redeeming others. He seems to hold himself personally accountable for every soul he is unable to save. This may explain why he is so tenacious when trying to getting people to confess and repent their wrongdoing. We see this particularly strongly with Katharine Corven (which was always a lost cause) and with Flambeau (who he’s had much more success).

Father Brown quickly forms strong bonds with other characters who are canonically identified as being neurodivergent. Examples of this include: Lucia Galloway (dyslexia) from “The Face of Death,” Jeremy (brain alterations due to a childhood automobile accident) and Sarah Mulgrew (ambiguous disorder but shows possible signs of PTSD and autism ) from “The Maddest of All,” and Arthur Malmont (ambiguous disorder but possibly autism and/or another developmental disorder) from “The Labyrinth of the Minotaur.”

In “The Maddest of All,” Father Brown is admitted to a mental institution as he is showing signs of “impulse-control disorder.” While he is largely exaggerating his symptoms so that he can be admitted and investigate, it makes sense for him to simply exaggerate symptoms and tendencies that already exist rather than completely “fake” a different type of disorder entirely. During his evaluation with the doctor, he even admits to overeating and kleptomanic tendencies--both habits that Fr. Brown partakes on a fairly regular basis even when he isn’t “faking.” (Granted the kleptomania is usually just clues for a case or deserts left unattended, but it’s still worth commenting on).

#boomklever #father brown #bbc father brown #fr brown #there are a few more that i had trouble figuring out how to articulate but i think this is a good list for now

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bestcbdgummie · 3 years ago

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Is CBD Isolate Right For Me?

Cannabidiol, frequently referred to as CBD, is one of the fastest expanding markets and products expanding today. However what exactly is CBD and also is its detoxified isolate kind something you should be thinking about? Initially, allow's consider why individuals take cbd oil for sleep. Derived from Hemp or Marijuana, CBD contains no THC significance that it does not obtain you "high" or "hummed" at all like Cannabis does. This means that you can get every one of the benefits of clinical marijuana without actually needing to eat a substance that has psychedelic buildings. This is among the factors it is expanding so promptly in appeal worldwide, it does not get you high yet you get the advantages however. Why is CBD eaten? There is still much research study recurring concerning its efficiency for a variety of various chronic ailments and disorders but the existing verdict is encouraging. CBD is taken regularly by individuals struggling with: persistent pain, anxiety/depression, problem sleeping or sleeping disorders, as an appetite stimulant, to name a few. It is growing in popularity, especially in the United States, where the opiate epidemic has been mainly caused by effective prescription narcotics people require to manage discomfort. CBD permits you to take care of discomfort without any risk of addiction or death due to overdose. Since CBD additionally reduces inflammation a major cause of join discomfort as well as other kinds of chronic pain, it works. CBD comes in various types. Edible gummies, lollipops, tablets, casts, oils, creams, as well as isolate powder. Which brings us to our questions, "is CBD isolate right for you?". CBD iso as it is commonly referred to is about 99.9% powerful with CBD. Meaning there are no fillers, additives, or other substances which you might not intend to consume. Its purity also makes it really easy to dose properly as you understand exactly how much you are getting per decline or micro-gram. Its strength makes it hassle-free. You can dosage easily and the appeal of CBD isolate powder is that it can be added to practically anything you take in. Being unsavory, iso is generally contributed to teas, healthy smoothies, yogurts, gelato, oat meal, power bowls, as well as numerous others. It depends on you to figure out exactly how you wish to take it, yet that is additionally why CBD isolate makes such an excellent suitable for the majority of customers. You have loads of selection when it involves how you'll take it because it is so functional. If you're in the market for CBD isolate, there are a few points you can do. One of the most usual is to get it online as well as have it shipped right to your doorstep. This is great because lots of areas that market CBD products might not have isolate which is why you need to possibly browse online for the best top quality and also ideal choice to suit your demands. All in all, CBD is growing ever before much more in appeal each day and that market is positioned to hit over 20 billion bucks by 2020. See what all the buzz has to do with and make sure you start with a reduced dosage to see just how you individually reply to it. Get into a CBD routine and also you might find you are no more grabbing advil or aspirin (or something stronger) to handle your join discomfort or other persistent pain. What exactly is CBD as well as is its detoxified isolate kind something you should be taking into consideration? Which brings us to our concerns, "is CBD separate right for you?". CBD iso as it is frequently referred to is roughly 99.9% potent with CBD. You can dose conveniently and also the charm of CBD isolate powder is that it can be included to simply concerning anything you consume. It is up to you to identify exactly how you desire to take it, however that is likewise why CBD isolate makes such an excellent fit for many users.

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isa-ly · 4 years ago

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THE TRUTH UNTOLD

TW: mental illness, eating disorders, depression, anxiety

I know the title might be a fun little hint to a certain k-pop song (which is a reference about three people will understand) but despite that little quirky pun, this post I’m about to write and that you’re about to read, is not gonna be easy. Or witty, or funny like some of the previous posts were. It’s most definitely going to be the longest one, though.

Because, in all honesty, this is the one post I have been absolutely dreading to make. However, it’s also the post that I kind of started this blog for because, unlike my depression, anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia and quarter-life crisis, this is something only my closer circle and those who happened to ask, really know about.

And, once again in all honesty, this is the actual reason I started therapy almost a year ago. Because in every way possible, shit had hit the fan so hard that there had been nothing left but to step on the emergency breaks. But I don’t want to get ahead of myself here. So, let’s try and start from the beginning.

I’ve talked about my more or less mental breakdown and burn out during my last year of university a few times now. Didn’t spare any details either. However, there is one thing that I’ve been mindfully avoiding that actually took up a pretty big part of that time of my life. The reason I avoided it, was because in my head, I kept running in circles on how I would phrase it and explain it in a way that would a) not sound too shocking and b) not make me look like a complete stranger to people who, until now, had no idea of what I’m about to say.

Eventually, though, I realized that I was doing the exact same thing I’ve always been doing. Which was searching for excuses to not talk about the biggest struggle in my life and make myself vulnerable. And I don’t want to make these excuses anymore because, really, all they ever did was harm me. So, here goes nothing.

Hello. My name is Isa. And for over a year now, I have been suffering from an eating disorder called anorexia nervosa.

The sheer act of just having typed this sentence out on virtual paper, threw me so hard that I spent a good 15 minutes simply staring at my laptop screen just now. I told you, this wasn’t going to be easy.

Since the only place I’m really “promoting” this blog on is Instagram, I’m just going to try and somehow use that as a segue to this post. Over the last year, I’ve received quite a few messages from friends, family and sometimes also random acquaintances, whenever I posted a picture of myself on my story or feed. Some of them were jokey, some of them interested and a very select few were concerned, too. All of them were about my apparent change of appearance, however. Of course, I didn’t only receive those messages online. The people who know and see me in real life, the above mentioned inner circle, have known for a while and some of them, as much as I wish they hadn’t had to, saw all of it happen in real life.

I know I included it in the trigger warnings already, but I want to point it out one more time here because I know how incredibly triggering these things can be – especially to people who have struggled or are struggling with similar issues. So, if reading about body image, dieting, weight loss and eating disorders makes you uncomfortable or could trigger bad memories and behaviour, this post might not be the one for you. I don’t want to be patronizing, you know what’s best for you, just wanted to make sure to highlight it before I continued.

I also want to preface this by saying that I can and only will talk about my own experience here. I am in no way, shape or form an expert on mental health and eating disorders and what I’m going to say and talk about, is purely a narration of what happened in my own life. Eating disorders, just like any other mental illness, are very individual and I do not want to come off as blurting out generalizations about them. Just so that we’re clear here.

Therapy taught me that the psychological, biological and/or societal origin of eating disorders is still almost completely scientifically unknown. It is for that exact reason, that the various EDs are some of the most stereotyped and stigmatized mental illnesses there are – which is also why it took me so long to actually pluck up the courage and energy to talk about it. I imagined people reading about my anorexia and thinking: “Oh, I bet it’s because she was bullied for her weight when she was a kid”, or: “Well, just another one of those girls who wanted to be skinnier”. Possibly also: “I never would have thought that someone like her would end up with an eating disorder. She always seemed so confident!”

So, to combat the fear of coming off like a cliché or sob story, I knew simply had to tell my whole and honest story. Because even if I’m worried about being put in a box or labelled as something I’m not, it still happened. And it’s still my story. And to move on from it, or better, with it, I have to tell it. And I have to tell it right.

So, here it goes.

Ever since I can remember, I have disliked my body. Growing up as a Human Person™ in this society, I realize that’s not really something that makes me stand out (which, if you think about it, is actually incredibly fucking sad). Apart from my own self, however, no one ever really shamed for the way that I looked and I was also never bullied or teased by others because of it. So, that’s a no for the “Oh, I bet it’s because she was bullied for her weight when she was a kid”-stereotype. It makes me want to gauge the patriarchal beauty standard’s eyes out, to think that never actively having been shamed for my body or weight, is something that I can consider a “privilege” in this world. I’m aware that a lot of kids and adults don’t have that twisted privilege, which, again, just makes me want to set the world of body ideals on fire, but I don’t want to diverge too much from the point of this post.

Remember that society I was talking about? Yeah, with that around, having someone point out or shame you for how your body looks different from what’s considered the ideal, isn’t really something that’s necessary in order for you to still notice it and develop massive insecurities. So, even though I was “lucky” and “privileged” enough to have avoided being bullied for my body by real-life people, I still grew up not liking the way I looked, always noticing that my stomach, my thighs, my arms, my boobs, my butt, were different to those of the girls everyone called pretty. Which inevitably led to me harbouring a contained, yet undeniably significant amount of self-hatred for the way my body looked over time.

Now, I might have been one of many body-conscious teenagers, but, in quite stark contrast to that, I was also a seemingly self-confident one. Or at least I really, really wanted to be. It’s what everyone always told me I came across as. The loud, opinionated and self-assured girl, who didn’t care what people thought of her. Maybe that was to compensate for my own insecurities, maybe it was for protection, or maybe it was also because I just knew, or hoped, it was the right way to go. I believed and preached that how I looked, what I weighed and what I ate didn’t matter, both to myself and to all of my friends and family. I knew I was absolutely fine the way that I was, as long as I was physically and mentally healthy. I’ve always known that, and I fully believe in it too. And yet, here I am. About to tell you what both you and me are already suspecting: The story of how that knowledge didn’t end up protecting me as well as I thought it would.

Despite me always having believed in not giving a shit about beauty standards, ideal body types and the obsession with whatever the fuck “skinny”, “slim thick” and “lean” are supposed to be, it undeniably had an effect on me. Just like it has an effect on literally every other person, regardless of gender or age. It’s pretty much passed onto us the minute we’re born, like a part of our literal DNA. It makes me sick to my very core, but I always knew that this insecurity, no matter how much I knew it shouldn’t have ever been one and no matter how much I fought to stand above it, was woven into the very fabric of my being. The very minute we learn to interact with others and the world around us, the clear, limited and completely unrealistic image of how we’re supposed to look in order to meet societal expectations, is indoctrinated into our innocent brains – consciously, subconsciously and in literally every other way possible.

I don’t want to give a lecture on how society, media, and peers make us believe it’s necessary and right to chase bodies that, realistically, no one can ever outrun, but I felt like saying at least this much about it to set the base for what’s about to come. Certainly, this almost innate, underlying dislike for my body – or most parts of it – wasn’t the sole reason for developing an eating disorder in my early twenties. But it was most definitely a cruel predisposition that played a big part in how my anorexia unfolded and the leverage it had and still has on me.

I mentioned in the beginning how, despite it being one of the most common mental health disorders, there’s barely any scientific explanations as to how eating disorders really come to be. Which is why assuming that being unhappy with my body and the way it looked was the only reason I slipped into disordered eating, would simply be false. After all, I lived twenty-one years of my life being more or less fine with it. It was an insecurity, yes, but it didn’t dictate my every day life, it didn’t influence how I lived it. So, the “Well, just another one of those girls who wanted to be skinnier”-stereotype, doesn’t really prove to be fully true either.

Which leaves the last assumption: “I never would have thought that someone like her would end up with an eating disorder. She always seemed so confident!”

To which I can only say: Yeah, uh ... same? I mean, do you really think there’s anyone who found themselves developing an eating disorder only to think: “Oh, yeah, that makes sense, I always knew I’d end up like that!” Sorry, that was a bit dark. I know that this assumption is something that mostly I myself am worried about and that there’s no reason for me to actually get defensive. However, while most reactions to me talking about my eating disorder have been very comforting and caring, I’ve also had a few quite unpleasant experiences and well, those tend to have the harsher impact. So, please forgive my mildly cynical reasoning here.

Right, then. If I didn’t ever get bullied for my body or weight, didn’t just want to “be skinny” and really am that confident – how did this happen?

Well, I’ve already given part of the explanation just now, when I told you about my unfortunate predisposition of never really having fully loved or accepted my body. The other part of the explanation, lies in pretty much every other post I have written so far. Most of all the latest one: Control.

It was a real challenge to have written that last entry without ever mentioning my anorexia with even one word. Because really, for me personally, control is literally all it ever was and will be about. My therapist told me that it’s quite common in other eating disordered people too. But again, I’m not here to talk about anyone else, I’m here to talk about my own experience. And it starts just like I said in my last post: With losing control. And in many ways, the combination of always having disliked my body and suddenly having slithered into a massive life-crisis where I felt like I had lost all power and control over everything, was the very dangerous mixture that started it all.

I don’t want to make it about that too much, but it’s still worth mentioning that after my semester abroad, which had ended in January of 2018, I had gained some weight. Weight that, having changed up my diet a few years prior, I had actually lost and that all of a sudden, was now back on again. It had just been a very wonderful yet also stressful time abroad and well, heaps of uni work, very little sleep and the general student lifestyle, just caused me to pile on a few kilos. The part of me that genuinely never gave a fuck about body standards, once again did genuinely not give a fuck about that. And yeah, when I came back, there were the occasional family remarks of “Look at you, gained quite a bit of weight there, didn’t you?” (which I know are made with no malicious intent, by the way, but, forgive me if I say this: just shut up) and I had also obviously started noticing that none of my old clothes fit anymore and I did indeed look a lot larger than in any of my older pictures. Was that a blow to my self-built confidence because we live in a society that rewards weight loss and punishes weight gain? Sure. Was that when I developed anorexia? Nope.

Because, if you’ve been following the timeline of my mental health issues that I have oh so passionately been crafting in the last few posts, it wasn’t until autumn of 2018 that I first started struggling with my back then still undiscovered control issues, which lead to my anxiety, depression, insomnia and – now that I’m telling my whole story – my eating disorder. Or, to be fully correct, disordered eating, back then. Because just like the rest of my mental health issues, this too, crept up on me slowly at first.

I remember the first time I had this very simple thought. At least, it felt simple. Simple, but so deeply wrong and dangerous. And yet once I had had it, it wouldn’t leave anymore. It should have rang all the alarm bells in my head. It really should have. But I understand now, that the reason I had this very simple, deeply wrong and dangerous thought, was because I was desperate to control something, anything at all. Regain power over just one part of my life, whatever that might be.

So, that thought kept coming back. Over and over again:

What if I just stopped eating?

I would snap out of it and tell myself: “What the fuck, Isa? That’s ridiculous. Also, what does that even mean, are you crazy? You love food, you love eating it and you need it to survive.” And I’d ignore it again. But it would come back. Every now and then, usually in the moments where I felt worst about myself, it would echo stronger in my own head and ignoring it would become harder and harder. It was a thought so insane and so ridiculous, I told nobody about it. My rational mind knew that it was totally stupid to even consider something like that, and so I felt stupid for doing it. Which is why talking about it was off the table for me, back then. It was my dirty, little, silly secret and I was going to keep it that way.

I was smarter than that, I knew better than that.

It didn’t change the fact that I felt so lost in university though, and even more lost in life, and so that shitty thought just wouldn’t leave me alone. Until eventually, I budged. And that’s the part where it really stops being witty and smart-assy.

Because that’s the part where I made the decision to only eat once a day. And it was a decision that I fought for with an iron will. A decision that gave me control. Over all the wrong things.

I said I would tell my whole and honest story, but in case you were wondering: No, I’m not gonna give any numbers, not when it comes to weight and not when it comes to calories. Mainly because the only thing they do is create competition and shock value. Even to people who don’t struggle with eating disorders. And apart from that, they’re also triggering to me, even if it’s my own story. So, all I’ll say is that I limited myself to one meal a day. For an entire year. It didn’t always work, thank God for that in hindsight. But I tried to do it every day nonetheless, and even though it wasn’t a by-the-books eating disorder yet (which is a whole other rant I have but that’s not for now), it completely ruined my relationship with food, my body image and my own self-worth.

Every time I ate, I would feel guilty, it made me feel like a failure. I had never experienced this kind of shame before, the idea of feeling accomplished whenever I managed to go without eating for almost an entire day. It was this sick sense of pride and, you guessed it: Control. And yet it wasn’t enough, because my body would obviously fight back, demanding food with every bit of power and rage it had over me. I felt awful. On top of university stress, panic attacks, anxiety, depression and insomnia, I was now also hungry almost all the time. And when I had my one meal a day, I wouldn’t enjoy it. I would simply gorge on it because I was so depleted and ravenous. And then I would feel guilty and hate myself for it.

This went on for many months. I hid it as best as I could and in most social situations, I would make exceptions so that people wouldn’t notice. Exceptions I would hate myself for, but they had to be made to keep this habit my aforementioned dirty, little secret. It was like an entire new personality was starting to form inside my own. A dark and hateful one that chipped away at all that confidence and rational I had built over the years. A few close friends suspected eventually that something was off, and some of them asked about it but I would immediately play it off as just not feeling well because of all my other mental struggles, the ones they already knew about. It was an excuse that made sense, so no one really dug any deeper. And I couldn’t really have given another explanation back then anyway. Because again, I didn’t know yet why any of this was happening. I didn’t know that not eating was a twisted and horrible coping mechanism, that I had developed to gain back some sense of control in my life.

At that point, I had started weighing myself too. Something that had given me a big, bad shock when I first saw the number on the scale. In my mind, it was big and bad too. I knew how much I had weighed pre-semester-abroad. And so I knew how much I must have gained and by now also lost again. And yet that number was still way too big. It crushed me. And sadly, only spurred me on more. I would try not to eat. I would “fail”. I would hate myself. Rinse and repeat.

And no one knew what was going on. Least of all me.

It got a little bit better over the summer of 2019, just like the rest of my mental health did. That was around the time I had finally made the decision to take a gap year and figure out all my issues. And that included the very bad eating habits I had developed over the last year. In a way, that decision was also a way of me gaining back control, which was presumably why all my other bad coping strategies, including the not eating, faded away a little. No more nightly panic attacks. No more insomnia. And a lot more breakfast, lunch and dinner. I still didn’t like my body, I was still scared of the number on the scale. But I was ready to turn my life around again, get therapy and fight that nasty, dangerous habit I had let myself fall into.

Unfortunately, as I already mentioned in previous posts, the therapy I was so clearly in desperate need of, didn’t work out as quickly as I had wished (again, thanks for that, health care system). I had gone to my first ever assessment where they had diagnosed me with anxiety and depression disorder. And, actually, the psychiatrist that I had had my first ever session with, had also decided to diagnose me with anorexia nervosa because according to her, while I hadn’t ticked all of the eating disorder boxes yet, I definitely did show signs of eating disordered and anorexic behaviour. To me, that had sounded quite ridiculous and harsh at the time. Anorexia? Pft, no way, I didn’t look like the girls from the shocking posters and depressing documentaries, it was no where as serious as that. (Tip of the hat to those stigmas and stereotypes I was talking about earlier)

But of course, she was right. However, they didn’t have a free spot for one on one therapy and group sessions weren’t really what I was looking for either. So, I went on a waiting list and never heard back from them again.

The cold season crept back in and the wonderful, warm and sunny-safe bubble I had lived in all summer, burst as quickly as it had been blown into existence. Everyone went back to work, back to uni, back to life. And I ... well, I went back to being lost. To not knowing what to do. To having to write my thesis I still couldn’t write for some reason. To having panic attacks. To having insomnia.

To not eating.

Only that after a year of being so miserable whenever I ate food and still feeling so awful in my own body, I decided I would have to change the way I was going about it. In my extremely mentally fragile mind, I thought I had to step it up if I really wanted results. And, as I like to say it, that’s when shit really hit the fan. In a way, it felt like I had spent an entire year sitting on a roller coaster ride that was slowly climbing up the incline, getting closer and closer to the inevitable drop. And just like on any actual roller coaster, when that drop came, it came fast.

It was no longer about just eating one and any meal a day. In the matter of a week or two, it became about numbers, calories, measurements, grams, milliliters. All of a sudden, I found myself meticulously writing down every single thing I ate and when I had eaten it. The food groups kept shrinking and so did my portions and the amount of calories I would consume in a day. I would set a new limit on Monday and decrease it again by Wednesday, pushing myself harder, restricting more and more with every week. All I could think about was food. And all I could do was not eat it. In what felt like a matter of seconds, a worry, a fear, a habit had turned into a full-fledged obsession. An addiction. And that’s when anorexia entered my life.

I’ve re-written this part over and over again because I’m desperately trying not to make it sound like a pseudo-romantic and tastelessly dramatic young adult novel. But I realize that’s just my fear of sounding like a cliché again. So, I’ll stop scratching and writing everything anew now, and just keep going.

In the first few days and weeks of crashing into this new, horrible world, I remember yet again thinking another very simple, yet dangerous and devastating thought. The one beside “What if I just stopped eating?”. And this thought, to me personally, was even scarier than the last one.

It was the thought of: “What if I can never eat again?”

Because that’s exactly what anorexia felt like to me.

Many people describe it as a whole other person in their head. Almost like a foreign entity, taking over your life. And while I very strongly relate to these descriptions, I have learned that it’s best for me to not always manifest my eating disorder into a separate identity to my own, because in certain times, that gives it too much power and makes it seem undefeatable. Which it isn’t. So, I’m going to try and describe it in another way. The way I first described it to my therapist. With a metaphor, of course.

It felt like up until this point, I had been sitting in the car that was my own life, driving down the road of my present and future, looking in the rear view mirror at my past. I was the one with the foot on the gas and the breaks, I was the one that decided what turn or exit to take. Autumn of 2018 had felt like breaking down in that car, having to pull over and being lost in the middle of nowhere, without any signs to guide the way. My bad eating habits felt like someone stopping and pretending to help me, jump staring my car and having it tucker slowly again while following me at walking speed, with me still not really knowing where I was going. And finally, anorexia felt like that someone kicking me out of my car, buckling me into the passenger seat, taping my mouth shut and taking over the stirring wheel.

All of a sudden, it felt like I had no say in where I was heading, how fast I was driving or what road I was going down. For over a year, I had used this dangerous and awful habit of coping by not eating, to wield control and have power over something. And now, it had taken that power away again, like a pact with the god damn devil, and had started to use it over me instead. Which is exactly what eating disorders do, and what my anorexia did too. They give you a false sense of control because control is all you want, and yet all you can’t have. All you need to do is replace control with food. Because food is all you want, and yet all you can’t have. Anorexia gave me my own, fucked up metaphor for my control issues.

I knew that what I was doing was more than just dangerous. It was no longer just trying to eat once a day, not managing to and then hating myself. This was barely eating anything at all, setting the bar lower each day and starving myself. And not in the figurative way. I lost weight so rapidly, I could barely keep track. The scale became my second home, the calories my worst enemy and food, or more trying to avoid it, the entire purpose of my life. Nothing else mattered anymore.

Falling into anorexia has been the scariest and most horrible thing I have ever had to go through. It felt like I had lost myself. I was still there, in my own head, somewhere. Still strapped into the passenger seat. But I had no say in any of my actions. I just silently watched and witnessed, obeying everything my eating disorder told me to do. I know I said I usually avoid completely painting it as a separate person in my own head, but back then, back when I was still severely anorexic, that was just what it felt like. Like a literal parasite, that had latched onto me and was sucking me dry of any and every life force and fight I still had left.

All my days would consist of trying to navigate around food, doing my best to avoid it, lying to everyone, most of all myself. I would look up every single nutritional information of everything, every meal at a restaurant, every drink. I had lists where I wrote it all down, tracking my calorie intake and weight loss. Documents that contained all the calories from every single food and also non-food item imaginable. It would start with things like fruits, vegetables and condiments and end with things like tea, vitamins, chewing gum and toothpaste. I would google how many calories a panic attack burned. I would pace up and down my room at night to get my step count higher. I would walk around the city aimlessly for hours every single day to avoid eating, no matter the weather, no matter the time. I would work out at the gym like a maniac and almost pass out every single time afterwards. At family breakfast, I would hide food in my sleeves and socks to avoid eating it. It was more than just ridiculous. It was insanity. But it was an insanity I couldn’t let go of.

Anorexia was the most twisted and horrendous full-time commitment of my life. I had felt lost and without purpose for so long and in the most fucked up way, my eating disorder had given me a 9-to-5 – no, scratch that, a 24-god-damn-7 job to do. It had given me a new purpose and a painful illusion of the things I had craved for so long. Control, willpower, strength, endurance. Only that it was exactly that – just an illusion. Because at the end of the day, I would go to bed empty, both literally and figuratively, feeling nothing and hating everything. Because that’s what anorexia does. It strips you of everything you have in life. It takes away every joy, every pleasure, every interest, hobby, passion or relationship, and it isolates you. Completely. It worms its way into your life and fills out every single nook and crack until it’s the only thing that seems to be left. And therefore, the only thing you still care about.

It felt like losing my complete identity.

Mentally, I was at the worst state I had ever been in my life. This was around December of 2019. I had barely been keeping all of this up for over a month, but I was eating so little that I had lost an alarmingly large amount of weight very fast, which came at a high cost. I was always cold, I couldn’t sleep, I had awful headaches, I kept forgetting conversations and talks I had had with friends, I felt dizzy and nauseous all the time and worst of all, I was so cripplingly depressed that I didn’t even care about any of that. Because when you deprive your brain of nutrients this much, it just shuts down. And that’s what I did, too. I just went into standby mode, as I kept losing more weight and becoming more miserable with each day that passed.

Both my body and mind were running on nothing but adrenaline and thin air and I lived life in this absolutely isolated and horrible auto-pilot, where I continued on as if nothing was happening, as more of me, both physically and mentally, disappeared and was replaced with complete emptiness. I still struggle to find the right words to describe how I felt back then. The only thing that comes close is just complete nothingness. Like a fucking black hole inside of me that had swallowed everything and created a complete vacuum.

Writing about this makes me want to just close my laptop and stop. In a way, it feels like giving my eating disorder and the hardest time of my life a spot light. Like giving it attention and a stage to perform on, to flaunt its dramatic tragedy. I can feel that the anorexia loves that, relishes every word I’m typing about it, every second of attention I’m giving to it. And hate that, I fucking despise it. Because it doesn’t deserve its own stage. It never did and it never will. So, let’s try and move on to the part where things changed.

Back then, I might have become a master of lying and avoiding most people’s questions about me never seeming to be hungry or wanting to eat. But thankfully, there were a few of my close friends that had started to notice. Not gonna name any names, but you know who you are. And I cannot even begin to say how incredibly thankful and lucky I am to have had you there. Because even when I had given up on myself, you didn’t. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all rainbows and sunshine, oh no. I was still in a very, very bad place mentally, and my eating disorder was not planning on leaving any time soon.

But, with the help and intervention of said good friends and a few select, eye-opening experiences (that I won’t talk about because they really weren’t ideal but still ended up helping somehow), I finally realized the very obvious but up until then seemingly impossible thing: I had to start eating again. And I had to start now.

And I did.

Looking back, I cannot even express how glad I am about that. Because it had started to become really critical. And I consider myself to be very lucky that it didn’t have to get even worse. That I was still able to make my own decisions and finally get help. Finding therapy was once again not easy but eventually, I did find an outpatient clinic that offered immediate consultation, as well as an appointment with a psychiatrist for medication and an internist for physical check-ups. And, to maybe bring back a slight sense of cheerfulness: It was also when I finally got to meet my therapist Kerstin.

Again, none of this was as easy and swift as it might sound like with me narrating it in those few sentences, but this post can only go on for so much longer before I get too drained and decide to just delete all of it again, so I will try and come to a close, for now. There’s still so much more to tell when it comes to my journey with my eating disorder and my mental health, because it’s nowhere near finished. And worry not, I will tell it – not so much for the sake of those of you who read it, but more so for my own. But for now, I want to finish by saying this much – mainly to myself again, but also to anyone else who might need to hear it:

I know it might feel like you don’t care.

About yourself, about what happens to you, about the future, about happiness. I know it might feel like you’re faking everything, lying to everyone and just pretending all the time. I know you might feel so horribly and painfully empty that all you want to do is sit still in the void of your own head and let the misery wash over you in dreadful peace. I know you might think that the only sense of comfort you can find, lies in the things that hurt you most. I know your pain seems like an old friend, one that will never leave you and therefore is worth staying close to. I know that continuing to fight on and struggling through life and all the hardships it throws at you, sometimes feels so impossible, that it seems easier to just give in and give up.

The thing about that is, though: It’s fucking bullshit.

It’s nothing but a very mean and disgusting way of all your inner pain, trauma and warped coping mechanisms to try to pull you down to keep you “safe” from things that you can absolutely, completely and totally battle. And, yeah, it sure as shit ain’t easy. God, if I had a dollar for every time I had to pick myself back up after I stepped on a scale, after I ate something that scared me, after I looked in the mirror, after I relapsed, after I went back on track again, after I wished I could just melt into a formless blob and slowly whither away in peace– I would be a rich woman. But neither life nor capitalism work that way, unfortunately. So, why do I still bother?

Well, because after going through hell and back, it’s the only thing I have left. It’s the only option there is.

You might not know who you are. You might not know what you’re doing, where you’re going, if you’re ever going to get better, if you’ll ever feel happy and at home in your own mind, body and life again. But what you can and should know, is that you can always try. Even if it seems pointless, even if it seems like you’re running in circles, wanting to bash your head against the wall because of how senseless it all feels.

You can still try.

And try, and try, and try again. It’s a choice and it is a hard one. Maybe the hardest one you will ever have to make.

But I chose to make it, and I still continue to. Every day. With every morning I wake up, every therapy session I go to, every panic attack I breathe through, every depressive phase I crawl back out of, every meal I eat. I choose to do it, I choose to keep pushing because when it feels like all the bad and dark thoughts are more powerful than me and threaten to swallow me alive, making the choice to fight back as much as I can, is what proves that I am and always will be more powerful than them.

Because this is my life. My body. My head. My brain. My mind. And I’d be a god damn fool to give them up to those inner demons that would never know how to treat them right, how to cherish them and keep them happy, healthy and alive. Because I think we can all agree that, at the end of the day, being happy is a hell of a lot better than being sad and empty. And so, at the end of the day, I realized that nothing and no one, not even my mental health disorders and past traumas, can take away what will always, exclusively and fully belong to me and me only:

My choice, my happiness, my control – the right one, this time.

#mental illness #mental health #therapy #eating disorder #anorexia #depression #anxiety

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