#also really clear communication im not used to this lmao

[smowyashe]

ok so i need to talk to yall (facing divine intervention in the bad way if i dont/hj)

so ive recently gotten back into hellenistic paganism because we had a bit of a scare and i just looked up the god of protection in greek mythology and found Soretia, the greek goddess of protection

anyway she set up a pretty casual communication with me and its because im one of her only devotees and ive already sacrificed two apples to her for her protection over where i live and some minor prayers i made

she's a really underappreciated god and i know a lot of people would pray to zeus for protection and i do occasionally thank him, but i also believe that the lesser known gods/goddesses should be known and worshipped more

so if anyone else is starting out with hellnistic paganism and wants someone to pray to for protection from events/people/places/etc. you should make a small shrine with smth similar to a laurel wreath and a few sacrificial apples

her image is also pretty sacred so you wont see it anywhere and will have to figure out how she presents herself to you on your own

sincerely, a Soretia devotee who is using this post as a sacrifice because i dont like eating apples :3

[lottieratworld]

listen idc if its about trans diy or nintendo, i dont trust randomass 4chan leaks. if it turns out they were right so be it but ur not gonna tell me to trust 4channers who regularly have fearmongered the lgbt for years with troll campaigns and making up bullshit

[linddzz]

Sat here and combed through all your jayvik analysis posts giggling and kicking my feet but PLEASE tell me more about the whole dom/sub thing, especially the whole “they have absolutely not discussed that this is the dynamic, it just happens and neither of them acknowledge it” because that is genuinely so interesting. Like I could already tell Viktor had hella ‘quiet calm collected dom’ vibes especially compared to jayce’s ‘excited protective puppy who would FOLD at being called a good boy’ energy…

But the whole bit on the bridge where Viktor smacks his hand away without even looking? And Jayce EARNS BACK TOUCHING PRIVELEGES? Fucking scrumptious please tell me more.

god i need to get to writing my fic bc I feel like "talk more about it" would be solved just by me dropping the link This ended up being TOO LONG so I split it between me going feral about that bridge scene and then me going feral at other moments of nonverbal communication that I use to feed my Dom/sub "oh you two are just LIKE THAT" interpretation. So. here's part one

That bridge scene tho...im so normal about it

hhhggg god that bridge scene is one that I rotate in my brain so much because it is such a small moment that makes so much of their dynamic click. For me, specifically, it clicks the "submissive like a guard dog is submissive" dynamic, where Jayce is, on a surface level, the stronger and more forceful of the two while Viktor is the one actually holding the leash (until he's too tired to because he's dying, and I only half joke when I say that their issues at the end of season 1 are because Jayce is suddenly the equivalent of a dog holding it's own leash and getting stressed out about it.

Jayce's touching before the bridge come across as pretty overbearing honestly. He's holding his hand out to keep Viktor from speaking out...

Heck, while the still screenshot doesn't show it too well, Jayce slings an arm around Viktor with enough force that it knocks Viktor off balance for a second and shoves him forward a little.

Viktor got dragged to the hexgate when Jayce is looking into shipping discrepancies happening there, even though it obviously doesn't involve him and he does NOT want to be there.

(In hindsight this is a hilarious bit of showing that it did not occur to either of them that there's no goddamn reason for Viktor to be here. This is council business, Jayce outright says "I'm a councilor now Viktor" which does not answer why tf Viktor needs to be there. these twits just handle all problems as a unit lmao. The tragic flip is that this is could then be a breaking moment when Viktor goes back to the lab, realizing that him and Jayce are not, in actuality, a single unit anymore. because Jayce got a second job that is not Lab With Viktor oh my god you codependent dweebs)

Up until that point it would be really easy to see Jayce as being presumptive and unintentionally overpowering Viktor in personality. Heck, it's what I thought the dynamic was as I was watching Season 1, though even as I thought that it seemed somehow...not quite correct.

And then the bridge scene.

Even before the hand-smack, there's a flip on the reading up to this point that Jayce has been accidentally bowling over Viktor by force of personality/physicality. Jayce comes in hot, upset, angrily standing over Viktor and chewing him out, and Viktor is just like "....and??"

Viktor is calm if baffled and annoyed at Jayce's frustration (also; Viktor just rolling his eyes and shaking his head at the actual riot happening a few yards away? hilarious. i love him.) His almost nonchalantly confused tone when he asks "what difference does that make?" always gets me. the entire back and forth says, to me anyway, that Jayce may be more brash and socially competent, but he's not overpowering Viktor at all, actually.

Viktor is going to do whatever the fuck Viktor wants.

This is immediately made clear by the much beloved hand smack. Viktor doesn't even look up, and his smack shows that he is perfectly capable of setting a hard boundary on Jayce's touching, and that Jayce will IMMEDIATELY fold and apologize when that boundary is set. That smack makes it suddenly clear that when Jayce goes for the shoulder touch right after apologizing, Viktor consciously allows it.

idk WHY but I also love this little tiniest moment when Jayce is going for the second touch. Viktor glances back as Jayce approaches him (looking like a cat with its ears pinned back lmao), then looks away as he accepts the second touch and they move on. It's such a tiny detail of showing Viktor, who is still pretty pissed at Jayce, seeing the touch as it comes in and then deciding to let it happen. im rotating them in my mind. please send help

In my framing of them being a guard dog/handler dynamic, the bridge scene is us seeing a moment of the leash getting a sudden sharp tug to bring the guard dog to heel. It resets all the earlier instances as being ones that Viktor allows to happen, because he doesn't see a need to correct it.

fuck man this doesn't even get into the bridge scene as a major crack between them as the moment Viktor loses his trust that Jayce will understand his decision. i am unwell

[spacelazarwolf]

lmao k we’re gonna talk abt ashkenormativity and the weird hostility some of y’all have toward non ashki jews.

so yesterday i was trying to have a discussion on this post, and the person responded with this:

and then promptly blocked me.

after which they posted a bunch of bullshit that i am now going to tear to shreds.

regarding the above screenshot:

- if you’re defining yiddish culture as “ashkenazi jews who speak yiddish” you are still erasing multiple communities of ashkenazi jews. italian ashkenazi jews migrated or fled to northern italy during the middle ages, long before the establishment of the pale of settlement, and have a culture that is distinctly influenced by italian culture, not eastern european culture.

- sounds like you’re outright excluding any group of ashkenazi jews who don’t speak yiddish or live in central or eastern europe. which is literally the reason i started the dialogue in the first place.

- talking down to me as if i don’t know what the difference between ashkenazi and sephardi is.

- immediately followed by incorrectly defining ashkenazi. ashkenazim are a group of diaspora jews who originally settled in the ashkenaz. there are many different diaspora languages that ashkenazi jews spoke, including judeo-french, judeo-provençal, judeo-czech, and different dialects of judeo-italian.

- kinda sounds like ur saying eastern european jews who speak yiddish are the only “true” ashkenazi jews????????

- yeah there’s lots of issues surrounding the way eastern european jews were viewed, but that’s not what the conversation was about?????

- it’s not really up to you to have or not have an issue with who identifies as ashkenazi.

- there are many ashkenazi groups that have ties in eastern europe. there are also plenty who don’t. there’s overarching similarities between a lot of different diaspora groups, but that doesn’t make them the same. and that’s ok.

- kinda weird how you say “this is a conversation for the jewish community, infuriating how people disagree with us about our own culture” as if i’m not also jewish?? do you not consider me jewish enough to talk about jewish culture or history?

- it’s clear you’ve researched a lot about eastern european jews. it’s also clear that’s the only group you know anything about.

- this conversation had nothing to do with zionism?????? very fucking weird for u to say this??????? especially when i was literally trying to express that ashkenazi jews are incredibly diverse and can’t just be boiled down to “basically eastern european”??????????

- also again homogenizing all ashkenazi jews under “yiddish culture” when you’ve defined yiddish culture as being distinctly eastern european. which. again. not all ashkenazi jews are.

- didn’t try to correct u on ur own culture bud! tried to get u to see that ur own culture is not actually The Only One.

- “because only a non ashkenazi jew can ever accurately represent ashkenazi culture right?” you’ve got some weird aggression toward non ashki jews you should prob unpack.

- again trying to make this abt zionism when i was literally arguing the opposite.

- also i don’t have a “giant blog” lmfao.

- this is funny to me bc u r literally the one who misdefined ashkenazi?????? and attempted to homogenize all ashkenazim under the label of eastern european????? hello?????????

- “irredeemable zionists” yikes bro.

- literally just me when i can’t read and have no critical thinking skills.

- this to me reads like someone who is trying to invert the concept of ashkenormativity and position themself as a victim of non ashki jews. which is absolutely fucking bizarre.

- you’re claiming i’m “denying yiddish culture” while many of your posts actively erase multiple ashkenazi groups from this culture while simultaneously lumping them all in underneath one umbrella eastern european label. like idk how you managed to be so ashkenormative that you managed to erase other ashkenazi jews but it’s almost impressive.

- gee i wonder what it’s like to have ur culture denied surely as a member of a tiny diaspora group that makes up 0.4% of the global jewish population i have no idea what that’s like!

- you are not advocating for diasporism. you are advocating for your culture and your culture only.

anyway, on to my other rant.

if i want to know how to recite a prayer in the ashkenazi rite, i google it. if i want to learn how to speak yiddish, i download duolingo. it’s easy to find these things because people have worked hard to preserve them. and also because ashkenazi jews make up over 60% of the global jewish population and over 70% of the us jewish population.

italian jews, however, including italian ashkenazim, make up 0.4% of the global jewish population. and i couldn’t even find a number for how many of us there are in the us bc there are that few. if i want to know how a certain prayer is chanted in the italian rite, i have to find 70 year old recordings of italian cantors and rabbis singing them for a musicologist who dedicated his life to keeping the italian rite and italki culture alive after it was devastated by the holocaust, bc the only synagogues that still follow the italian rite are in rome and israel. if i want to know how to speak the language my ancestors would have spoken, i have to take a zoom class at oxford at 6am where we study manuscripts from hundreds of years ago. in 1900, there were 20,000 native speakers of judeo-italian dialects. in 2023 there are almost none.

in order to participate in any sort of jewish life where i live, i have to know ashkenazi culture. i have to know the prayers and the songs and the customs. i have to know the food and the language and history.

but y’all don’t have to know mine.

and every time i try to infuse my own heritage into my practice i’m reminded of that. when i make italian jewish food, people don’t see it as “jewish food.” people hear my last name and assume i’m not jewish because it’s not a “jewish name.” when i use italki hebrew, people try to correct me. i frequently encounter other jews who don’t even know italkim exist. so yeah. it is infuriating when i experience constant pressure to assimilate into the dominant jewish culture of where i live only to be a excluded from discussions about that culture because i’m not part of it. i am part of it. i have to be.

ashkenazi culture is beautiful and diverse and i do genuinely enjoy taking part in it. but it is painful to get constant reminders that i don’t really have a choice. it is painful to have people in your own community see your knowledge of their culture as a given but their knowledge of your culture as optional or doing you a favor.

so basically,

you are not being erased by the reminder that jews who are not like you exist.

[soap-is-an-artist]

gonna ramble about charlie and auron because i just got out the premiere and. holy shit.

if I'm way off base on my analysis i am so sorry, im still processing, these are just my initial thoughts on stuff. and if you disagree id love to discuss it!

okay so first things first i screamed a LOT. I was so relieved when Charlie said he wasn't mad at Cas [i would've cried probably]. Auron made some truly wild comments. case in point: "I would probably slap the taste out of your mouth if it wouldn't mean getting you all hot and bothered just in time for Casper to drop me off at the office, pull into the parking garage, and fuck some goddamn sense into you." I YELLED OMFG auron. you can't just SAY shit like that. Then the Disney princess line. Charlie sounded so weak when he said "can we go back to that part about 'Casper fucking some sense into me'??" And Auron answering with "Not until I'm outside of the vehicle. You'll have to find someone else to watch." AURON. STOP PLEASE IM GONNA HAVE A HEART ATTACK FROM LAUGHING

alright moving on from that let's get to the serious shit. Charlie is justified to be angry about Auron interfering in his personal life; it ISN'T a healthy way to interact with people, whether you want to befriend them or not. Auron orchestrated this whole scheme because he doesn't know how to communicate his feelings, and you know what? I get it. He doesn't know what normal is, and it's not really his fault that he doesn't know. But he can at least try? Wikihow is free, brother /lh

Charlie wanted a fresh start. He wanted to disconnect from the dangerous world that Auron is a participant in, he wanted to earn his own way in the world, earn a bit of self damn respect like he deserves. Auron undermined all that, despite his good intentions. He lied, big time. And that's kinda shitty and not okay!

Was it about control? Keeping a hand on loose ends, like Charlie thinks? Auron just wanted to "protect him", right? Well, as someone who has had much of their life controlled by people who ALSO just wanted to "protect" me, that's a very weak excuse for taking away someone's agency. Now, our situations aren't exactly the same. Auron is not Charlie's parents [THANK GOD] and there actually some things Charlie isn't aware of that he needs to be protected from! But this was not the move. Like.. at all.

What's my solution? I dunno. But maybe don't force all these things to happen. Perhaps send an email rather than getting your guy to hunt down your former employee's childhood friend/crush and sneakily reunite them behind his back? Or at least try the email first, Auron. Charlie calling Auron out on playing pretend, "just writing one of your little stories"... ouch. But does he kinda deserve that? Yeah. I think so.

[Side note: Charlie talking about how if he'd sought out Cas on his own terms, it would've worked out because they fall in love every time? "Because that's where I'm supposed to be." I. fucking. fell over. I had to fucking BITE something omg. Yeah im biased in this argument sorry lol, i definitely have a favorite here]

HOWEVER: Auron admits that he was wrong! He is not an unrepentant man and he DIDN'T double down! That is a big point in his favor imo. He doesn't actually say "sorry" but he uses a lot more words to mean something... similar? I guess that's a fanfic writer's way. I get it, I also elaborate way too much. So, an actual clear cut "Charlie, I'm sorry I fucked with your life behind your back just because I wanted to be friends with you" would've been nice. But this will do for now.

Also Charlie you REALLY need to watch out for Finn that guy is a freakkkkk he will fuck you up big time. Not normal Finn. The magic one.

Okay I'm done typing whatever pops into my head with the barest pretense at organization lmao, I'll revisit this in time once my thoughts marinate a little more

[proshippers-against-censorship]

Long ask incoming so i really apologise for that lol.

in my honest opinion yaelokre is going about this incredibly wrong. but the way people have been talking about not only their characters (to be clear im not saying this because of "blah blah they're children" fake morality stuff or whatever lmao im a proshipper myself—but one of the main characters is quite literally meant to represent/be keath themself) but about them themself (sending them rape threats, threatening to draw them having sex with their characters?? I've seen a lot on the internet these past couple days, especially in proship spaces, which is so upsetting to me because I had so much more faith in our community 😭)... All this is incredibly disgusting to watch. and disheartening.

Are they going about this incredibly irresponsibly? Yes! Is it naive for them to expect that no rule 34 is created whatsoever? Yeah, probably! But they did explicitly say they dont want the characters directly representing their own childhood (including one who's basically their own persona) sexualised, much less have it sent directly to them (which it was—that's how we even got to this point, anyway) and going ahead and mocking this boundary directly, and then encouraging people to do it out of spite feels... off to me. dunno. (To be clear i think, once again, their actions are incredibly dumb and irresponsible. They're not justified in doing any of that and im not trying to say they are lol.)

(And, while we're here, there's a difference between gigantic heavily funded capitalist projects like disney, and Some Guy working on one deeply personal thing all by themself for free. Do whatever you want with like. Thousand dollar franchises with no specific human faces behind them, but it feels so weird to tear into someone's passion project theyre making out of love for free. Idk where else in my message this point fits so I'm leaving it here.)

I can't help but be reminded of antis tearing into my own work to "fix" it simply because i was a proshipper. On paper people can do whatever they want with fiction, can't they? Of course—but taking a story i made to cope with my trauma and spitefully twisting it to their own wants for no reason other than because I was a proshipper is still harrassment, still done with malice, and—proship/anti stuff removed—an objectively fucked up and mean fucking thing to do. Artists making shit for free do not owe you anything and that includes not owing you their comfortability with people interacting with their personal projects they are sharing with others (for free!! When they don't have to!!!) in certain ways. The same way they also don't owe you being comfortable with unprompted criticism and whatever else.

The "fiction is fiction" argument doesn't hold up when it starts to hurt real people. They aren't a bad person simply for not wanting their personal project sexualised (which—you could argue "that's not the problem, the problem is how theyre going about handling it it," which i agree with; but there are several posts on this very blog and countless others mocking them entirely for simply wanting their work not sexualised, and several posts encouraging others to make sexual content of their characters out of spite. Im not saying it's sexual harrassment but god it does start to feel like it's somewhere in that realm.) This isn't the first time anything like this has happened in their community, ive been here since the beginning, and in the beginning they were so unbelievably calm and polite about their boundaries and then people started directly dming them nsfw and things spiraled and here we are.

I've used the pottery analogy to explain this before—imagine someone puts a ceramic sculpture down on a table. It belongs to them, and they're very clearly proud of it. You could push it off the table and break it if it makes you happy, you won't even face any real consequences if you do. They'll just be really upset, rightfully so—it's their thing that they physically made. Maybe they even made it as a coping mechanism, only they know for sure. And they ask you to handle it gently if you decide pick it up. There's a billion things you theoretically could do, having now been made aware of this clear boundary, but only two are right—either handling it gently, or simply not picking it up in the first place.

You're a shitty person if you push it off the table. Using excuses like "there are lots of people in this room, someone was going to decide to break it eventually" doesn't suddenly absolve you morally because you are a sentient being, not a mindless robot slaving to statistics. Maybe statistically it was going to get broken eventually, it still doesn't make it right because you chose to break it yourself, directly going against what they asked you to do when handling their property, simply because it made you happy. I know full well you would not purposely damage or otherwise ignore clear boundaries or guidelines when it comes to someone's physical shit in real life. The concept of having boundaries about your own things that you made and own is not new and having to follow others' boundaries is not you being oppressed it's just being a decent human being.

Fictional characters' feelings don't matter more than real peoples'. But your own real person feelings of Mild Disappointment at not being to make porn for something you (evidently) don't even like that much ALSO don't matter more than the creator's massive upset and discomfort at direct representations of them (real person!!!) being sexualised.

TL;DR: yeah it's stupid of them to try to Anne Rice this whole situation. And yes they deserve to be called out for it and face the consequences for their actions. But let's... not treat them like it's so bafflingly unreasonable and evil of them for simply not wanting people to sexualise characters who are meant to be a direct representation of them (real person!!!!) as a child and let's EXTRA not break their boundaries even further. Their actions are stupid, yes. But their desires are like. A perfectly normal thing to want, if a little naive. harrassment is still harrassment. Being spiteful and vicious isn't suddenly okay when you're on the "right side" with the Right Opinions doing it. Being anti-harrassment doesn't only apply to people you like.

This ask isn't meant to come off as hostile or mean or anything so I sincerely apologise if it does. Wishing you the best. I also apologise if anything in this ask reads wrong it's late at night and im recovering from a concussion lol.

Fair enough.

I'm team 'break rules, not boundaries'.

By all means, show their Anne Rice approach is stupid by creating nsfw and properly tagging it and posting it to proper spaces. Fill R34 with that. Create nsfw fanworks on AO3 with proper tags. Go ham. But they clearly don't want to see it, so don't send it to them.

You wouldn't send porn of characters to any other creator without them asking. And you shouldn't be sending rape threats either. That's fucked up.

There's a difference between acting out of spite and acting out of malice, and I won't dispute the fact that some people are taking things quite far and doing the latter.

You can say a rule is dumb without taking steps to directly harm.

[genericpuff]

Im trying to write a Hymn of Demeter based story element in a story with many characters, but want to avoid possibly being offensive to Greek mythology. I know many comics bend the rules a bit and take inspiration instead of full on adapting the mythos. Any advice on good comics that meet in the middle with this, or ways to avoid this so I don't end up accidentally having similar problems to stories like Lore Olympic. (For reference I have read Plunderland and Theo mania, just if you have any tips I'd greatly appreciate them!

My presphone is already on the more serious dark humor side get shit done side so it's definitely not 100% accurate to the hymn

You'd be better off asking someone who's actually Greek when it comes to cultural respect, that said, Lore Olympus disrespecting Greek myth doesn't really have to do with it being a modern interpretation or taking creative liberties with the original story and its characters, it has more to do with how much it's morphed public opinion and knowledge of the myth both through how it doesn't regularly remind readers that it's fanfiction and its creator who claims to be "better read" on Greek myth on other people (which she very clearly isn't). Even Hercules is frankly more respectful towards its source material than LO in spite of all its inaccuracies (Hercules' name, Hades trying to overthrow the Underworld, Zeus being a loyal husband, etc. lol) because Disney makes it clear it's meant to be purely for entertainment purposes for general audiences (kids and parents!), and you can tell the animators and artists put a lot of work into stylizing a film that was uniquely Greek. Plus the writing and characterizations are genuinely well done, it doesn't feel like it's spitting in the face of Greek myth like LO does lmao Supergiant's Hades and Hadestown also attempt to tell either retold or completely new stories through the lens of Greek myth characters and settings. Even works that aren't retellings like Final Fantasy XIV manage to include Greek myth references and parallels without being disrespectful to Greek culture or myth as a whole.

The real beauty of Greek myth is that it's something that's been retold and re-interpreted into all kinds of works - the stories and its characters are timeless and can be adapted into just about anything! There's always more room for fun and unique Greek myth interpretations, retellings, fanfiction, etc. just be on top of your research and be clear in your goals and intentions with your audience (whether you're trying to do a serious and accurate retelling vs. using Greek myth as simply points of reference vs. writing cozy fanfic of Greek myth material etc.) !!!

So unless you go around calling yourself a "folklorist" or allowing whatever readers you gain to run around calling your work fact, you're likely not gonna cause the same kind or amount of damage to the Greek myth community and its stories that LO has (￣ω￣;)

[beebundt]

would you mind sharing a bit about Angel's character design and the process of developing it? are there qualities of her personality/story that inform her appearance that you haven't shared so far? have you talked about her tattoos yet??

yeah absolutely!!! i have a Lot i could say here actually because its my favorite thing to think about when designing a character! this is going to get a little long. thanks for the question! 💕💕

to begin with, since she's paired with 2D ill be comparing the two a bit here. i intentionally wanted to use a lot of curves in her initial design from the git go (body shape, her curly hair, etc.) and generally contrast other features against his, so how i draw him with circle eyes, i draw her with much sharper ones, or him being like 6 ft and shes short af. which is not to say there's any real importance behind that besides my satisfaction seeing this scrawny coward of a man tower over this 4'9 chill af beef queen and knowing she could easily snap him in half if she wanted & he'd worship her for it. but anyway it is something i consider in contrast to 2D even in outfits. not that it's purely the only way they dress or anything, but angel tends to wear a lot more leather + punk elements in comparison to him so there's also contrast in style there reflective of their general attitudes.

her development + concept is sort of an odd one for me because i already had a mostly clear idea of what kind of character i wanted to make from the start, im sure it has something to do with just how long i've already been into gorillaz so ive.... def had the time to think about it lol. here are some REALLY rough sketches from the very first time i drew her, they're very ugly bc i never expected anyone to see but just want to show how little she's actually changed from initial conception? disregarding style ofc. i can't really explain my motives anymore than i wanted someone who was not afraid to challenge 2D, equally as wild + independent, but also supports his vulnerabilities, is protective of him. someone who would be similar to murdoc in attitude in a lot of ways but uses it to protect, not destroy.

spitballing some little stuff because ive been so in my head im not exactly sure what i've shared and what i havent lmao. some things angel used to do were habitual out of insecurity like when she used to straighten her hair from teenage-young adult years, but then started wearing it natural from p3 and on, or plucking her eyebrows so much she doesn't have really left anymore & has to draw them in. also her brothers used to make fun of her tooth gap and shit when she was a kid so she stopped open smiling but since being 2D she's felt confident about it again. has a lot of tats + piercings bc she was big into the rock/punk scene way back and that's something i try to show at least a little throughout her wardrobe no matter the phase. like an aging rock fan trying to get with the times. her style does get more "modern"? as the phases go on though, so her rock influences become a bit harder to spot by p7, but are most prevalent p2 & p4.

for tattoos, i have talked a little about it on her toyhouse page but ill go more into it here!! all current tattoos include:

large wings on her upper back - angel symbolism of course. she really leaned into liking her name the she older she got because it almost became a sense of pride to her as she's sort of a local legend to the general community. so with this one she got to represent that, her community and friends is what gives her her wings.

long roses + stems from her right forearm to her shoulder/collarbone - honestly she just fucks with it. was done by a friend who wanted to test her skills on her & angel really does not give af so ofc she was on board with that.

a small star under her left collarbone - represents an old friend she used to know and is put there so she can always keep them close to her heart.

a chubby cupid with a bow and arrow on the top of her right upper thigh - dare by a friend because they thought it was funny. plus you know. angel symbolism with her name. anyway the arrow points directly at her you know.

a heart with an arrow through it on her left shoulder - used to have her ex best friend/crush’s name on it but she had it completely removed later when they had a big falling out, so it's just the heart now. was one of the first things she had tattooed on her when she was a teenager)

a large black scorpion just below the left shoulder and all down her upper arm - represents her old band, the scorpion was a symbol they used for a one-off album.

a dagger with a snake wrapped around the blade on her left forearm - honestly she just fucks with it. another done by a friend to test on her.

and a small cross on her left middle finger - she grew up in a christian household, although she's atheist, it still holds some comfort to her. but mostly it's just funny to flip murdoc off with (and why she initially got the tattoo lmao bc she cant stand his ass)

when thinking about angel's design/lore i have to be mindful that not even gorillaz cares this much about their own lore or go deep into it at all lmao. so i always struggle with how far should i cross that line in the name of developing an interesting character i can imagine for the world and how much i should step back and be like.... "its just gorillaz bro" lmfao. so i TRY (keyword try) to only briefly go over some things in her lore and not dig too deep into it. but its hard being a gorillaz fan and wanting to be invested 💔

[roosterr]

guardian angel ✹ ch 4

note: ran out of nik gifs lol. this chapter beat my ass, it took me so much longer to write than the others, im actually kinda glad its over with lmao. but anyway, this is the final part in the series, so i really hope you enjoy!!

pairing: nikolai x gn!reader

word count: 3.9k

no use of y/n, no description of reader

readers callsign in kilo '0-9'

summary: you find yourself in the middle of the lions den, with no real idea of when, or if, help will arrive. you better hope nikolai finds you fast, or you might not live another day to endure his less than appropriate flirting.

warnings: canon-typical violence, descriptions of injuries, minor character death, a little bit of angst, also a little bit of fluff, poor duolingo knowledge of russian, nik still flirting with you even though you're both kinda dying,

ao3

[three]

sitting tight in the back of the van, kattan opposite you staring holes into your head, it starts to seem more and more like you're missing something. he's watching at you with a look that's a lot more satisfied than it should be. you're already aware that you fucked up by getting in the van, but then you were under the impression that you were in control. now however, with every passing second, every bump on the road, you feel it slipping through your fingers.

as the van slowed to a stop, it became clear to you that waiting for backup to arrive was not an option – you weren't even sure they'd be able to find you, but to save your sanity you chose to ignore that thought. you had a job to do, and no matter what was about to happen, you needed to make sure baranov died; you could worry about everything else later, including how you were going to get out of this.

the door slides open to reveal baranov, who sharply gestures for you to get out. with a sideways glance to kattan, you step out into the cold air, skin prickling from the temperature or from the unease you're not sure.

you watch as they share a quick glance, and suddenly you're all too aware of how out of your depth you really are. you're not sure what they communicated, but there's no way it can be good. for a moment, the three of you just stand there, waiting for someone to make the first move, break the silence so tense you can almost feel it weighing you down.

"well?" you ask, raising a brow and looking between them with distrustful glare. they meet eyes again, more obviously this time.

"you wanted to see the weapons, they're inside." kattan says, gesturing to the warehouse behind him. it's surprisingly well kept, looking distinctly less run down than you'd expected, but still you feel the fear building in your chest. you absolutely did not want to go in there, but unless you were prepared to fight them – and however many people they have waiting inside – it looked like that was your only option.

"remember what i said," you begin, curling your nails into your palms so hard your worried you might draw blood, "if you try anything, you'll–" 

"we remember." baranov cuts you off, burning your attempt to stall until you could figure out what to do. "go inside." they way he stares at you, like he sees right through you, right through the mask covering half your face, sets off a fight or flight response in you.

"...you first." you utter, meeting baranov's glare despite the uncomfortable feeling under your skin. he gives you a suspicious, questioning look before you continue, "i don't like people walking behind me."

baranov clicks his tongue, and you see him pointedly roll his eyes as he turns around and marches through the door into the warehouse. kattan stays put, regarding you with the same unnerving look from before.

you bring your hands up to your hood, your mind drawing a blank for any more excuses to stall. you sigh quietly, and take a few hesitant steps forward. when kattan sees you move, he turns and goes through the door ahead of you. as you reluctantly follow behind him, you spare a glance back to the road you came down, hoping – praying – that your comrades find you before it's too late.

the inside of the warehouse is filled with various crates and locked containers, which you can only assume are all filled with less than legal merchandise. the lights above you flicker every now and then as you follow kattan deeper into the building. times like this make you wish things could just be easy – if this op had gone to plan, you'd already be sound asleep in your bed by now.

kattan comes to a stop next to baranov, in front of an open crate. "there." kattan crosses his arms over his chest, nodding his head to the crate with a stony expression.

you gulp, taking a cautious step forward and examining the weapons inside. the crate is full of a seemingly random assortment of weapons – not at all what was mentioned in the intel you'd gathered. 

you feel your stomach drop all the way to the floor.

"is there a problem?" baranov snaps. your eyes must've betrayed your thoughts.

you refocus your expression, instilling whatever confidence you have left into your voice as you reply, "this isn't what we agreed–" 

"enough." he cuts you off, taking a stride forward as you step back. "this game has gone on long enough, sergeant." baranov hisses, watching your wide eyes flit between the both of them.

"...right." you mutter, removing your mask and shoving it into your pocket, "i guess i was a little optimistic."

"i'll admit, you're committed. but," kattan steps forward as well, pulling a gun from his waistband and pointing it at you, "i'm afraid that won't save you this time." he gives you a smug smirk as he takes yet another step closer to you.

"afraid not." you grit your teeth, muscles tightly wound as you follow kattan with your eyes. you think back to the look he had in the van earlier, and realise with a surge of anger that they'd both known the entire time.

you look to baranov, closing the weapons crate with his back turned to you. looking back to kattan, with his cocky smirk as he slowly advances on you.

just one more step, a little bit closer–

you swing your arm up, grab kattan's hand holding the gun and push upwards, narrowly missing taking a bullet to the face. he struggles to wrench his arm free, but you pull him forward and use his momentum to shove him to the ground on his stomach. you bend his arm unnaturally behind him, causing him to reflexively loosen his grip, enough for you to snatch the gun from him. without a moment of hesitation, you press the barrel to the back of his ribcage and squeeze the trigger.

the gunshot echoes through the warehouse, and your ears ring with the aftershock.

a wet cough escapes kattan as you push yourself to stand, a pool of crimson already forming underneath his body. you turn around and raise your arm to shoot baranov too, but you find the place where he was standing empty.

"fuck!" you groan, your eyes scanning the area nearby for any trace of where he could've gone. he could be hiding around any corner, and in a warehouse literally filled with guns, you didn't like your odds.

before you could think too much about it however, the sound of heavy footfalls reaches your ears from further into the warehouse. you could tell they were getting closer, and in a split second of panic, you decide to take cover behind a stack of crates before they see you.

just as you duck out of sight, you count five armed men coming around the corner to where you were just standing. you focus on calming your breathing and your rapid heart rate, watching as one of them crouches and inspects kattan's body. the rest of them look around, presumably on the look out for you.

you lean more around the corner, bringing your gun up and pointing the barrel squarely at the man next to kattan's body – the one closest to your hiding spot.

with a deep breath, you pull the trigger and hiss a curse as he moves at the last second and clutches his leg where you hit. you fire two more shots at the others, hitting one in the chest and cursing again as the other narrowly misses your target.

the remaining three finally gather their senses, returning fire at where you hide and forcing you to take cover again. your breathing has picked up again, blood rushing in your ears and drawing out the sound of bullets flying towards you.

there's a pause, but before you can react, a hand grasps your shoulder from behind and slams your shoulder back into the crate. you try to point your gun at the assailant, but he rips it from your grasp and tosses it to the ground out of reach, pointing his own gun at you as you struggle. 

shit– one of baranov's men must've crept up behind you in the chaos.

he shoves you to the ground, restraining your arms behind your back and clicking a pair of cuffs far too tightly around your wrists. he pulls you roughly onto your feet and shoves you back out into the open, where baranov and the other two men stand waiting.

"you two– watch the perimeter." baranov commands, never once taking his chilling glare off of you. the other two nod, before turning and disappearing the way you'd came in.

baranov brings your attention back to him by stepping forward and gathering the front of your hoodie in his fist. for a moment, he holds your stare, giving you that same cold look that has the hairs on the back of your neck standing on end.

with a disdainful scoff, he pulls you from the other man's grip and shoves you to the floor again, dropping you aggressively against a metal shelving unit that makes your vision blur as your head collides with it. you blink, ears still ringing and a warm wet feeling growing on the back of your head.

"you are such a pain in my ass, kilo 0-9." he growls, crouching in front of you and watching as you try to regain your senses. a pained groan leaves your throat, and you squint at his unfocused figure at your feet.

"...i try my best," you mumble, subtly tugging at the cuffs binding you. to your frustration, even dislocating your thumb wouldn't help you to get out of them they were so tight. "...but maybe i'm just a natural–"

"заткни пасть!" baranov roars, delivering a harsh slap to your face. your head snaps to the side, your vision once again swimming and the sick feeling in your stomach only growing stronger. "i will make you pay for what you did, you annoying little доносчик." he stands again, his form towering over you and his shadow blocking the flickering light from above.

“i had everything, i was on top of the world. i’d finally gotten everything i’d ever wanted,” he begins, nothing but pure malice in his eyes as he glares down at where you sit, still reeling from your head injury, “until you took it all away from me!”

"and for what? a paycheck? a pathetic little sense of victory?" he spits, kicking your leg as he slowly paces before you. "i worked all my life for that empire! and you burned it all to the ground, like it was nothing!"

you feel hot blood trickle down the back of your neck, the urge to vomit still not leaving you, and you pray to anyone who would listen that somebody finds you soon, because with the way your vision is still blurred at the edges, you don’t think you’ll get out of this on your own.

baranov abruptly stops his pacing, running a had through his hair in an erratic display of anger. “i thought killing you would be enough, that revenge would satisfy me, but i’ve changed my mind, sergeant.” he’s not shouting anymore, instead his voice is low and quiet, but no less threatening. he turns his head to look at you from the corner of his eyes.

“you see, simply killing you would be satisfying, of course. that was my original plan; lure you in with something i know you self-righteous hero types can’t resist,” he says, waving his arms to emphasise his words, “but then it would be over. you would be dead, and you’d never be truly sorry for how you wronged me.”

even through the fog in your mind, you feel a cold dread building inside you. baranov turns to face you fully.

“so, thats why i’ve decided instead to make you suffer.” he crouches down again, closer than he'd been before.

“i will make you watch," he grabs your throat, pulling you closer still, "as i destroy the things you care about, just like you did to me.” his voice is just above a whisper.

“commander karim,” he squeezes your airway, “the american,” squeezing tighter as you desperately try to breathe in, “and of course, your precious little pilot.”

“no…” you wheeze, rattling your cuffs as you squirm in baranov's grasp. the edges of your vision darken for a moment, and you let your unfocused gaze drift from his sharp grin.

behind him, in the shadows of the stacks of crates and shelves, something catches your eye through the blurriness. a glint of reflected light from the yellowish bulb overhead, behind the man who'd dragged you earlier. you seem to be the only one to notice the fourth presence.

“they will all die, because of you.” baranov finally releases you, once again shoving you back against the metal shelving. you cough once, twice, your breaths ragged and eyes glaring daggers at baranov as he stands again to tower over you.

“you won’t…” you draw your legs into your chest, glaring up at him with renewed defiance. he takes one menacing step towards your curled up form, that insufferable smirk still pulling at his lips.

“oh,” he chuckles darkly, “i will.”

you scoff, and with all the force you can muster, you shoot your legs out to collide with one of baranov's ankles. he stumbles back, regaining his balance a few paces away from you, but he's a second too late – the figure in the darkness has already leapt out and sunk their blade into the neck of baranov's guard, ripping it out of his flesh and throwing it in baranov's direction.

you watch as the knife ricochets off a stack of crates and clatters to the ground next to baranov, already struggling to get your cuffed wrists in front of your body in your dazed state. the mystery person tackles baranov before he can fully recover, sending them both tumbling to the ground and grappling for control over the other.

your heart practically soars when you realise it's nik, pinning baranov to the ground and landing a blow to his face that felt extremely personal.

somewhere in the struggle, baranov gets a hold of the knife, swinging his arm and catching nik in the stomach just below his vest before you can warn him. your head is pounding, the ache from being thrown around earlier catching up to you and making it that much harder to focus.

baranov rolls them over, on top of nik now as he clutches the laceration with one hand and resists baranov's attempt to stab him again with the other. a grunt escapes you as you finally manage to get your cuffed wrists over your legs, feeling the muscles in your shoulder stretch painfully – another injury to slow you down, but you couldn't think about that right now.

despite the pain clouding your senses, you push yourself up to crouch, wobbling slightly before you find your balance. for a second you watch the pair grapple with each other on the floor, mind racing to think of a way to help nik without allowing baranov to hurt him any further.

you have to get them off each other, is the only thought you can come up with, so before you can hesitate you launch yourself onto baranov's back, hooking the chain of your cuffs in front of his neck and dragging him backwards with all your weight.

the knife falls to the floor again, out of reach of either of you. with all the strength you can muster, you pull the cuffs towards yourself in an effort to cut off baranov's airway. he thrashes in your hold, desperately trying to wedge his fingers in between the metal and his flesh. but in your slightly concussed state, he manages to catch you off guard and throw his head back, landing a strike to your nose, which stuns you enough for him to rip himself out of your grasp.

your head spins all over again, eyes watering and blurry as you feel baranov twist and pin you beneath him. his hand goes to your neck, and through your distorted vision you see his other pull back in a fist aiming squarely at your face.

you flinch, bracing to be hit, but the impact never comes; nikolai sinks the knife once into the side of his neck, and again into his chest, before grabbing his body and shoving him off of you.

you watch as baranov sputters, your own chest heaving as you take in some much needed air. nik searches through baranovs pockets, pulling back with a tiny silver key in his hand – the key for the handcuffs. he takes your bruised wrists into his hands, his touch unbelievably gentle, unlocking the cuffs and discarding them to the side.

he slumps down beside you, close enough thar his shoulder touches yours, and his hand cradling the stab wound on his stomach. a moment passes where neither of you move, still reeling from your injuries and the fight as you massage the raw skin of your wrists.

"thank you," you murmur once your vision finally stops spinning, shuffling to face nik and placing your hand on his arm, "you saved my life…"

"does that mean i'm your guardian angel now?" he chuckles, groaning when his abdomen shifts painfully. your head pulses, your own injuries catching up to you, but that back of your head seems to have stopped bleeding so you decide it can wait. you'd rather take care of him first anyway.

"i guess it does," you give him a weak smile in return, before undoing the straps of his vest, "now let me patch you up before your bleed to death." he chuckles again, sitting up so you can lift the vest over his head and set it down on the floor. you turn to the side, looking through the different packs until you find the one with basic medical supplies; bandages, disinfectant, and sutures – though you sincerely hoped you wouldn't have to do any stitching.

you hear nik move again, and the shuffle of fabric, and look back at him to find him pulling off his shirt. completely and utterly distracted from what you were doing, you feel an unmistakable heat rise to your face as you study the way his chest rises and falls, a thin sheen of sweat–

"if you wanted to undress me, all you had to do was ask," nik's teasing voice breaks you out of your trance. your eyes snap to his, the amused expression he wears only making the embarrassment worse.

"oh, shush…" you mumble, look back down to the medical supplies in your lap and willing your heart to slow down – he was still injured, you needed to take care of that before it became a problem. you grab his hand and place it on your shoulder, "just tap me if it hurts too much, okay?"

"конечно." he gives you a small, reassuring squeeze. you smile tightly, and begin to disinfect the laceration. thankfully, it wasn't too deep, so you wouldn't have to demonstrate your awful stitching skills. 

despite the circumstances, he looks ethereal above you; his head thrown back and his eyes squeezed shut, his rippling muscles glistening with sweat and a firm grip on your shoulder. it takes everything in you to concentrate on patching him up instead of gawking at the way the dim light of the warehouse hits the shape of his body.

after successfully stopping the bleeding without getting too distracted, you finish up by securing the gauze with a tight bandage. you look up from your work to find nik already looking at you, with the same look in his eyes from the night before, when you watched the stars together.

"i'm so glad you're okay, милая." nik smiles, cupping the side of your face with the hand not covered in blood. you feel the warmth of him seeping into your clammy skin. his touch has a calming effect on you, instantly soothing your overactive mind.

"i'm glad you found me," you smile back, leaning into his palm and bringing your own hand up to cover his, "sorry for getting us into this mess in the first place." you mutter, your gaze falling to the floor with a twinge of guilt.

"there's no need to apologise, дорогая." he caresses your face with his thumb, tilting your head slightly to bring your eyes back to his. you give him a meek nod, and mirror the tiny smile he wears.

you move to sit next to him again, sighing as you rest against the cold shelves. the two of you sit in relative quiet for a moment or two, listening to your own exhausted breathing and the hum of the lights.

"nice aim, by the way." you nod your head towards baranov's body.

"really?"

"yeah," you reply, a playful smirk tugging at the corner of your lips, "knife went right past him."

nik laughs, airy and tired, and lifts his arm to wrap around your shoulders "ah, now you're making fun of me." he chuckles, looking at you with an amused light in his eyes.

"that's the second time you've missed, isn't it?" you tease, feeling his arm tighten around you.

"тихо…" he grumbles, shaking his head with lightheardted disapproval, "but for the record, i'm glad i missed the first time." his gaze softens as he examines your faces, his other hand coming back up to cup the side of your jaw.

"you better be." you murmur, suddenly very aware of his still bare chest as he pulls you closer to him. 

"after all, if i'd shot you," his voice is just above a whisper, the space between you so small you can feel his warm breath on your face. with the hand on your jaw, he brings you even closer, resting his forehead against yours as your eyes flutter closed, "i would never get to do this."

without another moment of hesitation, you feel his lips against yours, passionate yet gentle as you sigh into him. your arm comes up to loop around his neck, his hand moving to the back of your head to press you further into the kiss. you're momentarily reminded of the ache in your head, but it's an afterthought as you press yourself flush against him.

the heat in your chest, your face, your whole body, is burning, heart racing faster than you'd ever felt it as nikolai's mouth moves against yours. you feel his stubble prickle against your skin as he tilts his head further, his tongue swiping across your lips.

when the need for air gets too much, you reluctantly pull away to catch your breath, nikolai chasing your lips and giving you one last peck before you get too far away. he smiles warmly at you, coaxing a similar expression to light up your own face.

"so, are farah and alex coming to get us, or…?"

"my hero…" you whisper, earning a grin for nik as he strokes your cheek with his thumb. you rest your head in the crook of his shoulder and chest, revelling quiet in the moment between the two of you; and for the first time in a long time, you feel a genuine spark of happiness ignite in your chest.

"...бляаты… i will tell them i found you…"

[red-dye40]

hi i jusr read nfrtg last night and it gave me such a weird ominous feeling, like “oh shit was I suppose to read that i don’t think I shoulda come across that”. it’s very good thank you. um im sorry for the really stupid question but Inever heard the word geocache before until I read nfrtg. I googled it to learn more context about it and I’m really confused . What is a “catch”? And what do the different bingo cards mean? I read the convo between newf and west several times and i still dont understand or is this something that will be explained later? I apologize English isn’t my first language and googling geocatch didnt help me. thank you for your beautiful work!

hi hi!

first off, thank you for your kind words :) i really appreciate it

i’ve been getting that feedback Quite a bit and it’s no one’s fault but my own that it’s so confusing! so lemme explain a lil better:

so the phrase “GeoCatch” that people keep referring to in nfrtg is completely fictional! and as of right now, the reader is NOT supposed to completely know what GeoCatch is for suspense purposes 🤧 the bingo boards are part of the gameplay, though we haven’t gotten a full explanation as to how yet.

without spoiling the whole idea, here is the information we have so far:

CrowdSauce (“CS”) hosts a community game called GeoCatch (“GC”)

There is a GC livestream that starts at midnight PST that people watch (it’s implied that this is a big event and people often watch the stream with friends, host parties, etc)

Players make bingo boards that somehow relate to the livestream—they fill them out (try to get bingo) based on what happens onscreen during the livestream, hence why every person has a different bingo board

There is a singular “Catch” and multiple “Catchers” involved in the game—the “Catch” is highly sought after, as having possession of it allows the Catcher to essentially control the game somehow

There is a cash prize that accumulates through bets leading up to the livestream, awarded to and split amongst the people who win GC

For legal reasons, CrowdSauce does NOT condone or allow betting on GeoCatch and will actively delete any links to betting sites

There is a tracker that charts the location of the Catch, but it’s not always accurate since it’s maintained by users based on rumors of the Catch’s location

“GeoCatch” is just a funny lil play on “geocache” which is a very real thing! (i used to geocache a lot lmao 🤓) so i understand that must’ve been confusing to try and look up.

i’m so sorry for making it confusing, and i’m Also sorry for making it seem like you’re missing something! as nfrtg progresses things will become more and more clear i promise!!!

[sugarrookiedesign]

A Date So Bad, I Made A Tumblr Post About It

I'm sorta just listing events from the date off but its not entirely in order, and I most certainly forgot a few details bc it was all so stressful and chaotic

Mostly posting this for myself and my friends to gawk at (hi! 💓)

We met on the hellsite grindr. They're conventionally attractive, a bit odd and confusing through text, but were nice and seemed chill overall. We exchanged socials prior to meeting up and they had no local friends or much online community at all despite living in the area their whole life but I chalked it up to being newly trans.

These were the red flags I shouldn't have ignored, if you're keeping track lmao

I agreed to come to their place and my boyfriend dropped me off

First off I aint judging, but their house was completely empty besides their room even tho they claimed to have roommates and werent moving/recently moved?? unrelated but justa odd vibe and potential red flag lol

They were so erratic from the moment I met them they just kept talking n talking, and were clearly not all there bc I couldn't understand alot of what they were sayin. It made conversation so hard.

We sat on the floor of their bedroom and smoked wii'd

They got very emotional about everything and would like jump up and like grab n shake me by the shoulders to emphasize the shit they were babbling 😭

Throughout the date they gave lil signs that they were a volatile person like they explained how they have had frequent fall outs w friends and family, their exs have called the cops on them on numerous occasions(explained in bits n pieces throughout the date during their semi-coherent rambles), and they had spicy reactions to me, just like, saying anything.

Thoughout the date they said the R word 3 times even after i told them it upset me, both to be funny and because they were mad at someone in their head, they made fun of muslims(amongst many others), told me "i dont go too far left, my political opinions will get me in trouble" and didnt elaborate when I tried gently asking about it.

They asked if I wanted to have sex like 4 times like out of nowhere in different ways and I had to say "Ive told you no 4 times, absolutely not, please stop" and kept pushing questions about my kinks. They also really hammered on how confusing polyamory was and made it clear that they thought it was dumb and funny that I have an asexual partnership w my fiance even though I explained it all to them prior ro meeting. :')

Like 6 times throughout our 4 hour date they made themselves so mad from talking(basically to themselves) about their traumas that they were like yelling at themselves while staring at the ground??

Surprisingly the thing that made me text my boyfriend to pick me up ASAP was they asked me to buy them food like over and over and made me explain why I didn't want to do that it was so creepy and weird and upsetting, ik it sounds dumb but just the way they were saying shit n pushing it really triggered my anxiety 😭

(obviously manipulative voice that i notice immediately): "aw you know I could really go for some icecream but ive been broke recently and i have no food in my fridge"

me, knowing whats coming, already so sick of them: "Ah I feel you I love icecream, and I've been nearly broke recently too"

"..please buy me icecream?"

"uh no im sorry not today"

"please?"

"uuuuh, what? I dont really feel like it i already bought us snacks and i dont have alot of money"

"you said *nearly broke*. Can you please?"

"no"

"why not you have money"

and just kept going and was like asking how much I had in my bank account 😭

i try to ignore my phone when im w people to be respectful so the first time i texted my bf was to get rescued right after they begged me for food money and they just stared at me silently for like 15 seconds while I was texting before angrily saying "Oh so do you talk shit to your boyfriend when your grindr dates aren't going well? Is that it?"

for my safety I had to pretend like I was willing to go on a second date but I blocked her everywhere except grindr before I was even out of her driveway 😭😭

its hard to fully explain how fucking weird and bad this date was

One last small thing lmaooo when she put a youtube video on for us to watch she just straight up unblinkingly stared directly at my face to gauge my reactions to it FOR THE ENTIRE VIDEO I STG IF THAT ISNT SERIAL KILLER VIBES DUDE

Im tired, I just wanted headpats but I put myself in danger instead uuuugghhh

Part of it was absurd and almost-funny, I couldn't believe what was happening at times, but it was also mostly just super stressful. Lots of thoughts n anxiety swirling through my silly kitty brain 😖

Im not judging them for being clearly mentally unwell and I really hope they heal and get help for the stuff they're going through.. but also they were an objectively bad person who I need as far away from me as possible!

[fair-dinkum-mechanic]

I’m sure I’ve posted about this here before, but I’ll say it again bc it’s really playing on my mind.

I hope this comes out the right way bc I don’t want it to seem any other way.

As a whole, I like pride. As a concept, what it’s for, what it says, etc etc. It’s a protest, it’s showing who all of us are as people, it’s speaking up against the bigotry and hate etc etc, and I will go to the parade (if im able) because as a whole, politically, and what it’s for I’m there for it and want to be a part of it. (Our pride in Adelaide isn’t until November anyway tho lmao)

But on a personal level, just when I look at it through the lens of my own life and my own experiences, it’s hard to have my heart fully in it. My experience being queer and trying to find a place in our community has been painful, lonely, and distressing. When I look at the major pain I’ve had through my life it’s been caused by men, or even at times our own community, where I’m supposed to feel safe and accepted. I feel more accepted outside it at times. That’s not to say I haven’t met amazing people, and felt safe and continue to feel safe in any queer space, it’s just through my life I’ve been HURT deeply by the very places and groups that should in theory be safe. And when I have felt safe VERY rarely has it been with my own group of queer men, it’s been women, trans people, and ace people who have been the kindest and safest for me. And they need celebrating so much, because we know the cis gay men have enough visibility, but that’s also who I am! And I want to be able to fully celebrate that bc it’s who I am, but I can’t fully put my heart into it. I dunno, I feel like I’m not being clear. Has anyone else had this experience? Or does anyone else feel this way? I wanna hear if anyone else knows what I mean bc it feels so lonely

[nothing0fnothing]

when i post things about narc abuse on my blog i occasionally get ppl being like "don't classify all ppl with npd as abusers!!!" when i didn't say that? tbh on the whole "is narc abuse ableist" thing i defer to my best friend's wisdom, he recently graduated with a BA in psychology (im so proud!!!) and he said smth to the effect of "if you're trying to diagnose them with npd to demonize them then yeah not good but also narcissistic is a word independent of that diagnosis so context is important" its like how ppl without depression can still say theyre depressed or someone without anxiety can say theyre anxious yknow? context matters! i call my parents narc abusers bc it "fits the bill" as in from the medical studies ive read from professionals, all this criteria fits their behavior, not bc i actually believe they have npd. their actions are narcissistic but actually having npd is a question i can't answer.

the point being: im sure you get a lot more comments like that on your blog than my own. the few i get make me upset for a while bc it feels so invalidating (or maybe im just chronically online lmao.) how do you deal with it all? i'm sure the answer is just "block" but does it go deeper? it must feel awful to be called ableist when all you've done is try to spread awareness about a very real thing that happened to you. i could use some of your strength bc your blog is still going strong even amidst the hate 🙏

This ask was actually so lovely to read. You're eloquent and educated and if you'd like to dm me please do any time I'd love to chat with you and check out your blog.

You're absolutely right about narcissism and NPD. Narcissism is a personality trait. One that most healthy people posses. You can't diagnose someone a narcissist, because "narcissist" isn't a disorder.

There's a misconception that NPD is the clinical diagnosis for excessive narcissism. Actually, the diagnostic criteria for NPD is very clear that one does not even have to have narcissistic traits to be diagnosed with it. And it has nothing to say about abusing others, so how recognising abuse is considered a drive by diagnosis of NPD is beyond me.

Saying your abuser is narcissistic doesn't mean you think your abuser has this specific disorder. We know this so to us it's common sense. Unfortunately common sense isn't so common, especially in the narcissistic positivity side of this app.

It's so easy to feel provoked when you know all this, and you're educated and you just want to make content that will connect you to a community of other survivors. Only for some asshole who barely knows what NPD is, decides they're going to make your trauma all about it. It's not chronically online to be made upset by behaviour like that. People like to tell us the Internet isn't real, but when it's our connection to communities of people who share our niche experiences, it is real. Don't undermine yourself when you feel upset like that. Words can hurt anyone, even when they come from an ignorant low life who thinks they can clean up the internet, one trauma support blog at a time.

Me personally? I like to wait to hit the block button till after I've goaded them into an absolute breakdown. It entertains me to no end to watch them rage like toddlers as they start to realise they know next to nothing on a topic I've absolutely schooled them in. It sounds cruel but I have no sympathy for arseholes, especially when they're intentionally spamming random accusations and slurs on my vent posts in hopes they can get a rise out of a vulnerable person. I might make a "narcissists rage at facts and logic" compilation for my own amusement... But that's not really helpful advice to anyone who isn't a bitter hag, like me.

When I first started on this platform I kept my most common response paragraphs in my notes and clipboard to paste and post when I got the same asks day in and day out. It really helped me to reply in a measured way I knew was proof read and edited without having to exert the mental energy it takes to type out a whole reply every time you get one. This of course is if you're so inclined to engage with them.

I also have a limit for how long I'll engage. Usually my rule is I stop responding when they stop asking questions, because my blog is here to be supportive, not to receive criticism from the pro narcissist community. When they stop being coherent and and start being belligerent, that's when will always I block them and that's usually the end of it.

I did have one guy who I'd blocked on 3 or 4 seperate accounts for being belligerent. He was making new accounts every time to spam my asks and reblogs with increasingly ridiculous, heinous and obviously ragebaity shit. I just reposted his replies onto reddit where the crowd is, let's say, more critical of behavior like that. He had an epic meltdown and I've never seen his username ever again. If you're not comfortable doing that, let me know and I'll do it for you. You'd be doing me a favour because I'm a little shit and I love to watch the fireworks.

My last bit of advice to you is to make mutuals and make them friends. I struggle with being sociable in any consistent way, but a few messages back and forth to foster a good relationship with the community is so helpful. It makes your blog feel like an actual supportive environment. It puts your content across the dashboards of more sympathetic people and less losers thanks to the algorithm. Most importantly, when you have friends on this app they're more likely to back you up when an absolute cretin who snuck onto earth decides to pick on you for no reason. Having that back up is invaluable to blogs like ours and it's so important to have it when you're just starting out, especially if you're already getting the narc apologists in your notifs.

That being said, I genuinely do hope you reach out to me. I'd love to be able to send you some more of my strength when you need it. 💛🤎💛

[tendercoretroglodyke]

weeks ago my roommate confronted me about "this tension" between us that I had truly no idea about until they kinda snapped at me earlier that night, and they told me that an offhand comment I'd made the week before (as well as a few other things I'd said/done from months or years prior) had pissed them off so much and the whole time I had no idea bc i have rsd and have had to learn to compensate by just assuming any kind of standoffishness is bc they're busy or tired or not feeling well. and presumably our talk that night "cleared the air" but now I'm constantly worried they're pissed at me and I don't know it.

like I am genuinely so uncomfortable in my own home now... we made plans to have a follow up talk (at my request) later this week and I want the main gist of the convo to be that I want them to feel loved and appreciated and I want better communication between us but I'm debating whether to bring up the fact I'm so uncomfortable coming home these days that im considering moving out and getting my own apt when our lease is up (several months from now). but i don't want to make myself the center of attention and i don't wanna ambush them with that, esp with their financial issues rn. so i probably won't bring up that possibility rn. but god some nights... like i am genuinely looking up hotel rates just so I can get away for a weekend and not have to be hypervigilant of how much space I'm giving them or what I'm saying around them or whether they're secretly pissed at me or they just have a lot going on.

I've been trying to hide in my room as much as possible without looking like I'm sulking but it's slowly driving me crazy. there was a week leading up to christmas where I was living at the apartment alone which normally to me would mean I was all sad and lonely but um that week turned out to be the best week I'd had all month. and this was the week leading up to my first christmas without my mom. but it felt so good to not be constantly unsure about where i stand with the people in my house (like, both my roommate and their partner, who basically lives here too).

I hate that even for a week I was "the enemy" to the two of them and I didn't know it. I had texted them during that week I didn't know my roommate was pissed at me (i was traveling for Thanksgiving) and saying I missed them and wanted to do a group call that night, and their partner texted in the gc saying roomie was too tired that night and suggested the next night, and i texted again the next night and they were like sorry too tired again. and they p much barely responded to anything I texted that week. and it was bad enough when I thought they were just too busy for me but to know now they were so pissed at me at me they couldn't even speak to me is so upsetting!!

(I guess I've talked about it long enough I should mention what the offhand comment was that pissed them off cos if I dont you'll all think I said something horrendous lmao. basically my roommate slightly exploded something in the microwave and said they'd clean it up that night, the next morning I realized it hadn't been cleaned yet so I texted them a reminder to clean it once I'd left for work. apparently they took it as passive aggressive comment and thought I "thought of them as my maid" esp considering the microwave needed cleaning even before that (i hadn't particularly noticed) and they were ready to text me something really pissed off before their partner stopped them and said they should cool off first. I, on the other hand, fully just meant it as a friendly reminder, coming from the perspective of someone with adhd who frequently forgets to do things I told people I would do, and who appreciates a reminder to do them. If I had KNOWN how the comment was recieved I could have cleared the air rather than let it fester into what I now feel like is a huge cloud of resentment towards me I don't even know how to combat. I also can't even tell what's my rsd anxiety about how they feel about me rn vs what's legitimate anger)

[mokeonn]

Transmascs simply acknowledging that they face problems transfems don't tend to face as often aren't claiming misandry as a systemic force against all men exists, they are just acknowledging how their gender affects the form discrimination takes. 'Man' is not a default, ungendered state, and being a man does not lead to default, ungendered bigotry. This applies to homophobia, racism, ableism, etc and absolutely applies to transphobia. It'd be nice for men in all marginalized groups to be able to describe those intersections, without people deliberately taking the most bad faith interpretations of the terminology on a purely semantic level, regardless of what the terminology is or what it's describing.

As someone who once held the perspective you do, I believe you yourself would benefit from acknowledging your experiences as they are and unlearning the mental gymnastics and thought-terminating cliches required to degender your clearly gendered experiences as a trans man.

I'm gonna be 100% honest with you, men are not an oppressed group. A lot of men are oppressed, yes, but not because they're men. This was like, feminism 101. Men benefit from the patriarchy. Society was built around the idea that (white) men are superior. Man is not a default, but we live in a gendered society that treats it as such.

I am oppressed because I'm trans, because I'm autistic, because I'm mentally ill, because I'm disabled...

but not because I'm a man.

Have I been the subject of anti transmasc transphobia? Yeah. Of course. Obviously. But let's me explicitly clear here:

It's not because I'm a man, it's because I'm trans. The root of the specific bigotry I go through is transphobia. It's not "misandry", it's because I'm trans! The disgust I get for being a trans man is because I'm a trans man, not because I'm a trans man.

I'm sorry Anon but I'm not going to change my mind on this. I've been out as trans for over a decade now, and any disdain I get is not from my manhood, but because of my transness. Many men deal with bigotry and systemic oppression, but not because they're men. Every example I see trans man say is "transandrophobia" is based in transphobia, not misandry.

Like, I thought we all knew this??? Trans women face very specific oppression because they're trans, women, and trans women?? That's why the term transmisogyny exists? To describe the very specific oppression trans women face? Why would I use a term that involves the word Misandry in some way, a term we have lambasted for years now for good reason, when I can just say that what I deal with is transphobia? Because that's what it is. Transphobia. When I think back on the last 10 years of being openly trans, the bigotry I faced was because I was trans.

Use whatever labels you want I guess, I can't stop you, but I am gonna judge you for using misandry unironically lmao. Like yeah sometimes people are specifically transphobic towards trans men but it's because they hate us for being trans, not men, lmao.

Also, In my experience the guys who try to make these labels that are just repackaged versions of misandry are just like... generally unpleasant people to be around and they tend to not really interact with the larger trans community outside of other transmascs. They're pretty uninformed about the community im gonna be real with you. Like it really gives me the vibes of 15 year old MRAs who say men are oppressed because the patriarcy also hurts them. Like yeah, the patriarchy hurts everyone, but it specifically targets women. Just because you were caught in the crossfire, doesn't mean you were a target.

TL;DR: nah i've done a lot of thinking on it and it's just transphobia. And I'm okay with just describing it as transphobia. It doesn't need to be more. It doesn't "need to intersect with being a man", it's just transphobia. I'm okay with just calling it that. I've already reflected on my experiences and it's not a "thought terminating cliche" to say it's just transphobia.

I also repeated myself a lot bc I drank a cup of coffee before I had breakfast so I'm probably incoherent lmaooooo

[listen-to-the-inner-walrus]

you mentioned in one of your posts about titanic (maybe?) something to do with the philosophy of lifeboats and idk why but the idea of it has been stuck in my mind for at least a week now and i only just refound the post today. could you pls explain what you meant by it?

hello anon, you must have seen my post nitpicking how j bruce ismays character was handled in the titanic movie when i very briefly mentioned the philosophy of lifeboats thing because I Was Being Petty lmao

but yeah so this is gonna be a dumb-downed explanation about a topic thats fairly complex. also im just not gonna get into the debacle of liferafts because im gonna try and keep it simple.

[edit: i have very much failed at keeping it short or simple so if you are interested, come join me after the cut]

see, its only really been within the last century or so that weve regarded lifeboats as things you can escape a sinking ship on and remain within until rescue arrives.

which sounds kinda insane when thinking about it from a modern point of view, right? like in regards to modern sinking incidents or disasters at sea like say the ms achille lauro, msc napoli, ms estonia or even the ss henry steinbrenner to go back to 1953, the story of the rescue is the passengers board the lifeboats, get a safe distance away from the sinking ship and wait for rescue. and nowadays, if this occurs to you, your chance of survival is fairly high.

so its understandable for people to initially be confused as to why this is a modern school of thought as it seems very logical and is what the namesake implies. and for that, we have to put this into the context of the developments within lifeboat technology.

and im aware of how pretentious that sounds, but its a very important part of this discussion.

-

to start, im unfortunately going to have use the titanic as an example because its the only point of reference for most people.

when we look back at the titanic today, we can very easily criticise white star line and harland & wolff simply for not including enough lifeboats on board. and while those are not undue criticisms, they are unduly harsh.

yes, it is ridiculous to not have enough lifeboats on board for all passengers, but back in the 1910s, naval architects found it ridiculous to suggest ships should have that many.

because this is what titanics lifeboats looked like:

compared to modern day lifeboats:

now, you might notice just how different these are: modern day lifeboats tend to be enclosed; they are made of sturdier material; theyre much more buoyant; they have radios on board; are at significantly less risk of capsizing; are legally mandated to come with a sea anchor that can be used to steady your boat; and often can operate under their own power.

also, your ship probably had an epirb (emergency position-indicating radio beacon) or something similar that sent out an automatic distress signal if you werent able to do so yourself.

modern lifeboats can withstand the tumultuous nature of the ocean for a, relatively speaking, very long time and that allows for rescue. thats why people are sometimes rescued from a lifeboat several days after a shipwreck and why rescuers can sometimes be conservative in their rescue, such as waiting for the weather to clear up before approaching.

if youre nearer the equator, you could likely survive weeks within a lifeboat if rescuers either couldnt find you or couldnt reach you.

but thats not always been the case.

-

for a long time, lifeboats were these tiny, rickety, wooden boats (as seen in those photos above) that were easily capsized or sank if they came into contact with even the smallest of waves.

if you needed to sail further from the sinking ship or toward land, you would have to do it with wooden paddles and depending on the state of rescue, you might not even have them. your methods of communication were a limited number of flares where you couldnt be sure theyd even work, rocket flares that again night not even work, a torch, a whistle, or just shouting which rarely ever helped.

so even if you could evacuate safely onto a lifeboat, there was no guarantee that youd be able to signal down another ship or potentially an aircraft.

if you werent able to send out a distress signal or were just on a ship that didnt have the technology to do so, no one would know you were in trouble for hours, if you were lucky. for some, it took days or even weeks.

at approximately 2:15am on the 30 november 1966, the ss daniel j morrell broke in half on lake huron. she was not reported missing for ten hours, after which the coast guard dispatched search and rescue vessels. among the 29 crew aboard, only 1 man survived: dennis hale. he was rescued after nearly 14 hours in a liferaft wherein a further 3 men had passed while waiting for rescue. during those 14 hours, the liferaft had been capsized multiple times sending the few survivors into the freezing waters over and over again. [x]

or for an even more extreme example, take the ss naronic. she set sail on 11th february 1893 from liverpool; she was expected to arrive in new york around the 21st february. she never did arrive, and as this was 5 years before the marconi wireless set would be available on ships, the crew could not put out a distress signal. as the ocean was experiencing bad storms, there was no worry about the ship to begin with as it was presumed she was delayed. it took until the 13 march before any alarms were raised. by then, 74 lives had been lost, and to this day, we dont know anything about why she disappeared. its presumed she sank, but no wreck has been found. while her lifeboats were found, that wasnt the case for survivors. [x]

and even if you were lucky enough to have sent out a distress signal, be relatively safe aboard a lifeboat and have ample methods for communicating, you were still at the mercy of the sea. rescue was coming, but there was no guarantee your lifeboat would stay afloat until it arrived.

it was miraculous that titanics lifeboats were able to stay afloat until the carpathia arrived, and that was only around an hour and a half after the titanic had gone down. because this happened in the north atlantic; any other night, the number of casualties would have been significantly higher because those lifeboats would not have survived in rough seas or a storm.

titanic was the exception to the rule; it was the odd duck. and to exemplify this, lets talk about the clallam, the ss valencia and the ss princess sophia.

-

quick warning about these ships: these were very tragic incidents with monumental loss of life. out of the approximately 608 people who were aboard one of the three ships, only 83 people survived.

(the ss princess sophia is a particularly tragic incident and its one that has made me cry multiple times so just a warning with that.)

we'll begin with the clallam which was a steamboat that ran a regular route from tacoma to seattle to port townsend to victoria. she ran into trouble during a storm while on this run on the 8 january 1904, with 92 people aboard.

she began taking on water when the deadlight was smashed by the waves, and the emergency pumps aboard were not working. this meant they had very little chance of saving her from sinking, especially when the water entered the boiler and cut out the power.

at this point, you may think that the best case scenario for survival would be to abandon ship, but that assumption was quickly proven false.

around 3pm, captain george roberts ordered the ships 3 lifeboats lowered. these were mostly filled by women and children, which makes what came next even more tragic. within minutes of the boats being lowered, they capsized in the rough waters.

everyone on board the lifeboats drowned; all 56 people on board.

but the clallam stayed afloat for several more hours. this gave enough time for the steam tug richard holyoke to arrive on scene, and eventually the 36 people remaining on the clallam were rescued.

all children aboard drowned when the lifeboats were lowered because in 1906, lifeboats were just as much death traps as they were lifeboats. [x] [x]

the sinking of the ss valencia is a similar tale. she was a passenger steamer that was briefly filling in the route of the ss city of puebla, which ran the san fran to seattle route, in january of 1906.

on the 20th, she set sail with around 173 people aboard. the captain aboard was unfamiliar with the route and visibility was so low that the crew could not make celestial observations (by using a sextant, for example) to determine where they were. instead, they had to rely on dead reckoning.

while dead reckoning is fairly reliable, is subject to errors like directional drift and cumulative errors are particularly disastrous and can cause tragedies like the honda point disaster. further, its been alleged the captain did not know how dead reckoning works.

this led to the valencia striking a reef on the night of the 22 january. she was less than 100 yards from shore, but the water around her was rough.

6 of the 7 lifeboats were lowered quickly, as had occured on the clallam. 3 of the boats flipped while being lowered, emptying the survivors into the ocean. the 3 that were lowered successfully did not fair better as 2 of them capsized very quickly and the 3rd simply disappeared.

the last lifeboat was the only one that made it to shore. but still, they had to hike for 2½ hours before they could find help.

while various ships responded to valencias distress call, they were not able to get close enough to offer much assistance. the crew of the valencia launched the 2 life rafts aboard in hopes of drifting close enough to another ship to be rescued. this happened for 18 men on one of the rafts as they were rescued by the city of topeka. the second raft drifted ashore and the 4 survivors aboard were rescued by a group of first nations from the island.

soon, the valencia was washed off of the rocks and she sank. those still on board went down with the ship.

of the approximate 173 people on board, 136 of them died during the disaster. similar to the clallam again, every child on board died. [x]

and this brings us into the ss princess sophia which was a canadian passenger liner. she set sail on the 23rd october in 1918 with 343 people on board. in the early hours of the 24th, she ran aground on vanderbilt reef.

though she was able to send out a distress call and a rescue flotilla of boats were able to arrive on scene, the ss princess sophia took all 343 souls aboard with her when she was eventually washed off of the reef and into the ocean.

now, this is when we get into what lifeboats were intended for back then. the evacuation plan would be for the 8 steel lifeboats aboard sophia to be lowered with passengers and crew members aboard, and paddled toward one of the various rescue ships. the passengers would be taken aboard while the crew would paddle back to the sophia where more passengers would come aboard and be ferried to safety.

this is what happened when the rms republic sank in 1909 and what occured with the ss andrea doria in 1956 though in that case, they only had enough lifeboats to rescue everyone once the ss île de france arrived on scene as dorias list meant half her lifeboats could not be lowered.

unfortunately, captain locke never saw a time where he believed this process could occur. there was only a very short break in the storm, but even during those 5 hours, the ocean was rough with high waves.

captain ledbetter captained the uslht cedar, one of the rescue ships, and went on record saying he never saw conditions that would have permitted an evacuation. [x] [x]

these three cases both exemplify the philosophy of lifeboats only a century ago and why we cant simply apply a modern lens to it without missing crucial details.

-

now lets quickly detour back to the titanic.

as most people know, there were not enough lifeboats aboard for everyone aboard.

this is one of the nitpicks i have about titanic because the portrayal of it paints a warped picture.

so with everything ive rambled on about in this post, we can see why this decision was made. they only needed enough lifeboats to safely ferry passengers from a sinking ship to rescue.

and it was believed that this was a viable evacuation plan in the case that titanic sank. the route she was sailing was a very busy route that often had at least 5-6 ships nearby that could answer a distress call. this is exactly what happened with the rms republic which i mentioned above.

this belief wasnt unique to the titanic or even the white star line. it was held about every ocean liner sailing as these ships were often able to stay afloat for hours acting as its own giant lifeboat due to safety measures and developments like watertight compartments.

and titanic did stay afloat for over 2 hours as it sank. rms republic took over 24 hours irrc while the ocean liner it collided with, the ss florida, was able to sail to port for rescues. ss andrea doria took 10 hours to sink.

during her sea trials in 1927, the ss malolo collided with a freighter (impact equal to the icebrrg to titanic) and was still able to stay afloat and sail despite being flooded with over 7000 tons of sea water.

this belief was clearly not unfounded.

however, the sinking of the titanic practically shattered it. and from then on, almost all ships had enough lifeboat capacity for every passenger on board as it introduced a new function to lifeboats.

-

and this kinda leads us into the somewhat conclusion to this rambling mess that very much could have been shorter and much simpler.

but anyway,

put simply, by philosophy of lifeboats, i mean how the function of a lifeboat evolved alongside developments in technology and maritime disasters.

it seemingly had never occured to naval architects pre-titanic that what occured that night in 1912 was a hypothetical they needed to consider.

lifeboats are still used today to ferry survivors to safety if that is what the situation necessitates, but they are now also designed to function as their namesake implies.