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giraffefeather · 9 months ago

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Thoughts on maladaptive daydreaming. Read more for easy skip. 😊

I watched a video on reality shifting (where you experience a time in a reality of your choice - be it one you are an actress or on you go to Hogwarts) by Strange Aeons. Kudos to her for being respectful while also having an opinion! But one big point brought up was where does reality shifting start and maladaptive daydreaming begin?

And I realized that I check quite a few boxes in maladaptive daydreaming (MADD from now on because jesus christ that's too much to keep typing). As a child/teen, I absolutely had my own little reality I would escape to.

In it, I was part of a spy crew that could turn into one animal each, the animal picked based on your personality, and we all had nicknames after that animal. I was Wolf (hi, yes, I was absolutely a wolf girl and this was just an extra level). My crew included Lab (Cody), Fox (Cassie), Eagle (Derek), Bug (Logan), and Panther (Toby). Bug and Eagle were the tech guys, based in a secret safe house directing us to our next mission. Fox, Lab, and I were the boots on the ground people. Sometimes we battled various bad guys. Sometimes (on car rides), we directed a system that chopped down telephone poles and helped spread tree seeds. Instead of a creature running beside the car, I had a friendly robot system that I talked to, and a mission to save the planet. In class, I would type secret messages to my team, and give and receive directives. Every moment I did not have enough real-world stimuli, I was half in that world.

Now, I have to wonder if all that qualifies as MADD, or just regular imagination. Or the secret third option - undiagnosed ADHD child lacking the stimulus she needed.

The quick paraphrased definition of MADD I found is that it's a behavior of excessive daydreaming, usually a coping mechanism, that may disrupt work, hobbies, and/or relationships. Working with that definition, there's a few more boxes to check.

Was it excessive? Yes. Absolutely. While I never had the obsessive bug with this one, it was a constant in my mind. It was always there if I had a moment of boredom, ready to come to the front of my mind.

Was it a coping mechanism? ...sort of? It didn't help me with any real world problems. I was fortunate enough to be a fairly happy child. I had a manageable amount of anxiety. I had close friends just as weird as me, and more close friends that appeared perfectly neurotypical (my brain wants me to rant on this neurodivergent vs neurotypical next, let's skip it for now). My family was loving, if a bit strict, and home was a safe place. I was overall accepted by my peers (despite the teenage urge to divide the alts and the preps, I was accepted by both). I have no trauma, to the point that i can't even try to fake it. But my biggest problem was boredom. In a time before portable video players and smart phones, I was constantly trying to avoid boredom by multitasking. Homework was filled with doodles. Drawings either had a TV in front of them or in an depth story behind them. When I had a DS, it was constantly within reach, and my Animal Crossing world thrived while I had full conversations with family. Car rides and school, with only one focus (that often felt like none), were unbearable unless I slipped inside my fantasy world. That was the only thing I needed to cope with: boredom.

Did it disrupt work, hobbies, or relationships? No. Not at all. My "work" was school at the time, and I was a straight A student despite being half in my false world half the time. My hobbies were drawing, writing, and cross country. The first two i could focus on if the motivation was right. Cross country is, arguably, a very boring sport; running for a fantasy purpose just enhanced the experience. (Hell, my friends and I used to sing a capella during practices to pass the time). My family and friends knew nothing of where my mind wandered. It wasn't a secret or anything, the conversation of what fantasy is playing in your head just never came up, so I never thought to share. I guess if I would have actually thought about it, I would have assumed everyone had their own world they went to when bored.

So... was it MADD? I... don't know. Maybe? If so, by a technicality? I didn't use it to escape a horrible life. Maybe I would have, if I needed to. But it was just something to do. I wasn't delusional, always knew it wasn't real. But it was fun, like a game of pretend with myself.

But I think, to some extent, I still do it. I will always love my fantasy shapeshifter crew. And sometimes, I still catch myself chopping down poles and collecting tree seeds on long car rides. But for the most part, I left that world behind. Now, I only daydream at night.

Perhaps that's due to access to constant stimulus. I work from home, and always have music, podcasts, or youtube on in the background. There's no room, no need for daydreaming. I have headphones in when I walk, the radio on when I drive. I watch tv and browse tumblr at the same time. I have so much I can do at any moment of the day.

But night? I need to occupy myself while I fall asleep. And I pick a scenario to daydream about. I put myself into a fantasy world, usually a fandom but not always, and play out a scene until I fall asleep. Often, I'm in the same world for weeks at a time. Currently, I'm in a crossover with Captain Jack Harkness in the Dragon Age Inquitision storyline, and you bet your ass I'm working on my Blackwall romance! (Tmi, but we're still early on in the campaign, and Jack hasn't found anyone to successfully flirt with, which is driving him insane! But soon we'll meet Dorian and Iron Bull, and I think things will start to look up for Captain Jack). I literally cannot fall asleep without my little stories now.

Is that maladaptive? Have I trained myself to only sleep if I'm in that world? Eh, who cares. It works and it's not hard to do.

So I guess the biggest question left to answer is that of MADD vs... whatever neurodivergency I may or may not have (again, lucky enough to have made it through childhood happy and successful, so never sought diagnosis of anything). If anyone dared to read the ramblings above, please weigh in with your own experiences!

#maladaptive daydreaming #???#please forgive the tag #i have done research #but have no firsthand accounts #if you're in a place to educate... i am willing to learn #rant #long post #read more

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paperboy-pb · 1 year ago

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Now that the prologue is done, I can't thank the fans of this series enough.

No, we haven't hit any particular follower milestone. The story has just begun. And most of you haven't given me any sort of financial support to help me out, either. (And that's alright! I haven't asked, lol.)

I'm thanking you for just being apart of the audience.

I started PB in a little blue notebook during the summer of 2015. It was originally meant for my eyes only. And a big part of the reason why was that, when I googled things like "Special Ed makes me feel bad," there wouldn't be much of anything coming up. There were Quora forums! A couple of YouTube videos. Articles here and there.

But it wasn't a lot. Not enough to help me out for long. And it only hammered the idea further into my head that I was alone in what I endured. As I got older, grew up, and away from the program and people who took my disabled youth, I constantly felt this urge to talk about it. What SpEd had put me through. What I'd lost. What I'd seen & heard. The things I did and didn't learn. Even though I was never a very open kid, let alone teenager.

I hated that no one was talking about it. And how nobody knew what happened to kids like me behind closed doors. At 13 and 14, almost none of the new friends I made had ever heard a life story like mine. And I've always found that wild: I had a LOT of friends! (Still do!)

So I kept drawing it out. Kept working on the story in notebooks, sketchbooks, my friends' DMs, and anywhere else words could go. Sometimes, my family would catch glimpses of the concept art. Sad sketches of Matthew crying, freaky drafts of Monster, or tense moments between what would become Class 7-C.

And one of my parents would be like, "Why is your art so depressing?" They'd roll their eyes. And they'd add on, "People's parents aren't gonna like it!"

No, I never told them what the story was about. I never even told them it was a children's media (because it kinda isn't! I'd personally put PB as 13+?) These were judgments made with just one glance at computer papers covered in pencil strokes; sketchy and shapey little kids who didn't look like they were having fun.

I knew they were wrong. But the audacity still pissed me off. There aren't many times where it's appropriate to boss somebody else around in how to tell their story, you know? Not only that, but I also worried about not having an audience back then. Sure, all my friends loved my work. But at the time, I was the only one who'd really experienced anything "Special Education" in life. Thus, these were General Ed kids watching it unfold. Able-bodied eyes and (as far as I knew back then) neurotypical minds, watching and learning from whatever I made.

And I liked that. But that wasn't the only group I wanted to be seen by. I wanted disabled people, especially youth in their teens and twenties, to see it. That's my primary audience. And shit like that made me wonder if I'd ever find it. Had me second-guessing myself a little, you know?

But I shook it off. It's like that thing teachers always say in class. "If you're confused or have a question, ask: whatever it is, you probably aren't the only one thinking it!"

And I searched for stuff like PAPERBOY, hadn't I? Yeah. I had. So by that logic, other people definitely would be, too.

So I stuck to my guns, and... check it! Y'all showed up!

One thing I've noticed ever since publishing part 1 is that the PB Nation is pretty damn devoted. You guys have been patient, passionate, silly, and unapologetically yourselves since the get-go. And the response to every old promotional comic or post I've made has been OVERWHELMINGLY positive and curious. I've gotten fucking fanart, man! More than once! I've had the honor of meeting a few of you in person already! And for the ones who haven't caught me out with my friends in New York, believe me, I REMEMBER who comments what.

By the way, you guys should spam my comments more. Fuckin' love that shit. SPEAK TO ME, lmao. Even if it's like, the most irrelevant PB question ever. Keyboard smash in my comment sections. Send me disability reels you like. Tell me what you wanna see from the story. Whatever, as long as it doesn't bleed into parasocial territory!

I've gotta have one of the best audiences out there. So thank you! For just... being around. Here's to hoping y'all enjoy the journey we're aboutta go on.

#paperboy pb #paperboy #author's note #disability #disabled artist #disabled writer #webtoon canvas creator

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ilovebeingaturtle · 2 years ago

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I love your fanfic!!! I love how soft and cute the 1897 gang are!!!!!! Aksbaksbakaksmsksksns 🥺💕

What are some plans you have for the fic? Will there be any lgbt or neurodiverse headcanons in the fic?

AWEE YAY THANK YOU!! 💕💕 This means so much I got so happy seeing this notification aaa!! I’m glad you love the 87 boys,,

Also aa thank you for asking! (this. Turned into such a long answer I’m so sorry for rambling AHA)

One big plan I feel comfortable talking about is that I am going to send the remaining 2012 boys to Rise soon! I feel like that’s not too spoilery, both because it’s something that will happen soon and something that was kind of inevitable pfft. I have some cute moments for them to all get to bond, I have a big overarching plot and stakes I want to introduce? But I also really just want to have a ton of fun moments and focus on everyone getting to know each other. I want to try write interactions or dynamics I haven’t seen been done much yet, so hopefully I deliver! (I actually scripted out a 12!Raph and Rise!Leo scene for in future this morning pfft)

Another thing I guess there’s no harm in saying is that I want 87!Shredder and 87!Krang to really play a main part in this! They’re the versions of those characters I find the most fun/easy to write, so at least for the beginning stages they’re going to be focused on antagonistic forces. I just think they’re so goofy I love their dynamic sooooo much, and they fit my writing style perfectly! So expect them in future eheh

That’s not to say Rise and 2012 villains won’t get a centre focus at any point though! Rise has such a fun rogues gallery and with 2012, I really want to play with the domino affect, I mean taking the turtles out of the picture right before so many major things has gotta have some consequences~ (they don’t even know April’s part Krang yet…)

When it comes to LGBT headcanons, I do definitely have some! Technically?? I think I’ve already said that everyone is somewhere on the aroace spectrum (especially the Rise turtles) I also find the idea of 2012!Donnie and 2012!Leo being nonbinary in some form sweet, so I will probably have little moments about that scattered through the fic! (Also I think it would be really funny if 2012 Leo and Dee both went to other universes and then when they finally reunite they’re both not cis anymore. Spider-man pointing meme the dimensional radiation took their fucking gender-) I typically don’t think too much about this kind of thing though, I’m someone who’s LGBT+ that doesn’t bother too much with labels for themself so it’s honestly kind of hard for me to put fictional characters in a box too-but everyone definitely is in someway! That’s the best I can answer that probably

TLDR: They’re all loser teenagers who haven’t realllyyy figured themselves out yet, but they’re all pretty comfortable with whatever their identities might be, so for now they’re just gonna focus on saving the world HA

As for the neurodivergent side of things, again the whole main cast definitely is!! We all knew that though ♥️ AHSAJHA I can find traits from my own diagnosis in basically all of them, so they’re all on the spectrum! Sobs sorry this is another pretty broad answer-so to list someeeee?

I’m definitely writing all four 87 turtles and 2012!April and 2012!Raph with being autistic in mind! 2012!Donnie as well, but also apparently he does canonically has OCD?? I don’t 100% know if that’s canon, but I will be keeping that in mind while writing him as someone who also has it. 2012!Leo I headcanon along those lines too-it-see this is why it’s hard for me to answer none of these kids are neurotypical in my mind-

Sorry these were such non answers AHA, I guess the easiest answer is yes there is? But I’m genuinely happy with them all being up for interpretation! I won’t be enforcing many of my headcanons on the story really, just writing what feels natural, so you guys can interpret them however you want from there! I don’t really want to lock anyone in because I don’t want to stop people from being able to see them in ways that make them happy same as they can for the original shows

#♥️♥️♥️!! thank you for asking!!#gosh I need a tag for this fic don’t I. WHY did I make the title so long #for future reference AU

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samarallewis86 · 1 year ago

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I have the 'tism' been diagnosed since I was 14, would have been earlier, but doctors were less inclined to diagnose girls back then (they also called my high functioning autism, aspergers syndrome back then, anyway) and my family was dealing with my younger brothers stuff, one has epilepsy, adhd, autism, the other had a growth hormone deficiency so i was kinda a back burner issue to get to, ya know, if they found the time, so, 14, depressed, anxious, hating life, school, everything, typical teen.

Anyway, moving on, i have lived with neurotypicals, ppl who know about my autism, ppl who have grown up with siblings with autism, ppl who themselves have autism but were never diagnosed and ppl who had been diagnosed with ocd rather then the blatantly obvious anxiety/panic attacks they were dealing with.

The person who had siblings diagnosed with autism, had grown up around it like myself was the worst room mate i ever had. She ignored everything I told her about how i liked things (my friends moved into my family home after highschool because my parents got a second house on a property to try and help my Autistic brother), so MY FAMILY HOME, that i had lived in for 12 years, which had, my stuff, my belongings, where i had my routine, my friend decided she knew better.

I had a job after highschool looking after disabled ppl in their own homes, i worked over night shifts, i left the house in the afternoons, came home the next morning, typically i had only sundays off as i worked the back half of the week, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

So i was already leaving my comfort zone, to go to a strangers house, help them live a full, active life, and then come home, try and be productive, try and sleep and then go to work.

I came home one morning and my entire kitchen, which had been the same, for 12 years, wad completely rearranged. I couldn't find my coffee, my mugs, my plates, nothing. She changed everything because "its better this way".

I tried to sleep in on Sunday, my day to relax and recharge and rebuild my social batteries. She blasted country music (bad country music) at 7am and started vacuuming the house. At 7am. Because she was awake and had energy and decided to clean.

I had two other housemates and my boyfriend in the house. None of them drove me to murderous rage like she did.

Good friend. Horrible fucking housemate.

Since then i have lived with one friend (the most neurotypical with a few quirks), one of the same friends i shared my house with way back when. We are now in our late 30's (40 is looking pretty close right now) and have lived together since the end of high school, the only time we have lived apart was a year in 2014 when my mum threw us out of the house to renovate and i lived with my grandparents for a year till i went on a 4 month trip to visit friends in the USA. And my grandparents probably would have let her live with us too if she hadn't found a friend to let her stay in a spare bedroom.

My friend understands me, better then almost anyone else (even my mother most days), she knows i forget to hang my washing, so she just puts it in the dryer whenever she finds it and lets me know she did it.

She knows i dont like bright white lights so she bought dimmer lightbulbs i can control on my phone.

She knows i struggle with actually going shopping, i will, i can, i have, i just fucking hate it, so, she asks me to text her my food shopping list and just has it all home delivered.

She knows i forget about paper bills unless they are on the fridge, right in front of my face everyday, so, soon as a bill comes in, it goes on the fridge door.

She plays in multiple orchestral type bands, she plays basically every instrument known to man (our tiny spare room is basically wall to wall instruments) and when she needs to practice for something, she lets me know, usually with a "heads up, theres gonna be noise tonight, ive got that thing on the weekend".

At the height of covid after i was fired and my anxiety sky-rocketed freaking out about paying rent and my already incredibly sick Nanna she bought me a weighted blanket because she knows that even though i run hot at night, i like to have piles and piles of blankets on me.

To bring this to a rambling close, you will never get along with everyone, some people you think will understand you or get you or be like you, they dont, wont, cant and arent. Thats okay.

You just need to find those few who get you, who help you, who dont even give it a second thought, because to them, you arent hard to deal with, you arent hard to manage or difficult, they just slot in beside you like a lego brick and help you build yourself up.

Non-autistics living with autistics:

They keep eating the same freaking food and it frustrates me so much! We can't have the "big scary light" on just lamps everywhere! Even when I try to find peace by doing stuff with them they just ignore me and do whatever they want. They can't even do the simplest of things like go with me to the grocery store every week! How do people expect them to survive in society??

Autistics living together:

So as long as we get my 10 packets of this really specific food, and some snacks, I'll be okay. Also is it cool if you go to the grocery store? I can clean the bathroom since thats bad sensory for you and the store is bad sensory for me. Can you turn on the lamp instead of the big light? It gives me a headache. Thanks man. Yea I'll unplug the TV for you since you can hear the high pitched noise. Do you want to do two separate things in the same room as bonding again this evening? Thats my favorite part of the day too.

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stevensaus · 1 year ago

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Accommodation Or Abuse: The False Choice Managers Have With #Neurospicy Employees

Preface: You may notice that I do not name the prior employer or manager in this post. That is intentional, and for legal reasons. If you know (or guess) whom I'm speaking about, that's your conclusion, not mine. And if you think I'm talking about you... well, first, go read my Artistic License, and then... well, if the shoe fits, lace that right on up. This video on TikTok pretty much sums up my experiences at a prior employer: https://www.tiktok.com/@tamaravsthevoid/video/7279281953520585985 At that prior employer, there was literally no part of every day activities that did not involve something I had improved, reworked, or simply created from the ground up. Some of that work has gone on to be used in facilities on several continents. From the step-by-step instructions on doing complex procedures, to the Excel spreadsheet used to schedule customers, to the literal computer programs used to complete procedures, I "plugged a lot of holes in the bottom of the ship." I was also seen as insubordinate for a number of reasons. I suggested improvements. I pointed out that perhaps the Windows XP systems we were using in 2020 (yes, you read that correctly) should be patched for software vulnerabilities. I questioned vendors who claimed we had to upgrade Windows to replace a power supply... on a system that ran Linux. I noted the absolutely true fact that when you have three surveys returned, the statistics are utterly meaningless. I presented facts and logic, even when they were inconvenient. And, too often, I did not hide that I knew more about some topics than my "superiors". You would think that improving accuracy and performance would be the most important thing -- particularly in healthcare. That was not my experience. Not with that manager, or even with some of my co-workers. This eventually ended up badly for me. Even though I wasn't particularly interested in "recognition" or "promotion" or taking anyone's job -- just making my own job easier and more efficient -- the results for me were sadly typical for neurospicy individuals, as I suddenly had to find new employment right at the end of the pandemic. As I've learned more about my own neurospicy brain, I've realized that my experiences are common for people with my neurotype. And, sadly, so is the retaliation from allistics. {1} Even now, years out from not having anything to do with that employer, I recently had to block an old manager from snooping on my socials... and then saw where several of their subordinates (or subordinates of their spouse) started creeping on them as well. Which is kind of creepy and disturbing. Please stop; I know someone will show this to you. The irony of all of this is that none of it was necessary -- and is not necessary for other businesses, either. Neurospicy individuals can be a huge asset to a business. Providing accommodations for neurospicy folx is beneficial for all parties. Repeatedly, we see that autism doesn't hold people back at work -- discrimination does. And it's not actually that hard to manage and work with us. Hell, there's even easy to find tip sheets on the first page of any search engine (but here's a direct link to one). In the meantime, Applied Behavioral Analysis and "Autism Speaks" serve up an alternative world where neurodivergent individuals are browbeaten into simple conformity. They actively work to silence neurodivergent voices when they are inconvenient. At one staff meeting, my manager at the time dismissed concerns about customer feedback surveys by saying, "It isn't like we have anyone here who is an expert on surveys and statistics." Everyone looked at me. It was publicly known that I was also an adjunct teaching a research methods course -- specifically covering surveys and statistics -- at a local university at the time. That manager -- for not the first (or last) time -- demonstrated their pettiness and lack of leadership with that comment. So I offer this challenge to all of you who are -- or may be -- in leadership positions: Do you want to be a leader or manager who actually works with your neurodivergent employees? Do you want to have them in your corner supporting you, improving the workplace, and being an asset to the organization? Or do you want to be like my old manager, creating a hostile, toxic, and inefficient work environment because of the fragility of your ego? {1} I am not getting into the Americans With Disabilities Act for a lot of reasons, not least being the obstacles in getting an "official" diagnosis as well as the very limited "benefits" that such will get you. Featured Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay Read the full article

#adhd #audhd #autism #business #discrimination #neurodivergent #neurospicy

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streamoflillies · 1 year ago

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Rant about my own mental state, partially framed in the magnus archives (S5 spoilers) because that's what listening to it for a good chunk of a 12 hr drive will do.

Especially Martin's domain really hit home. Being watched in London would absolutely grate on me, but it's distant, not reality for me.

But the lonely, the one person's wall. That's my reality.

I reached out past it in high school, found a social group, friends, people who I trusted to be there for me if I needed them.

Then I moved away. Went to the college my parents wanted instead of the one I wanted. The one I could continue to be myself at. I went to the Christian College where I had to box my identity back up.

Wear my 'church face' all day. In classes, around roommates, wear the cishet mask that I'd started poking holes in. Instead in those 4 years of college I made it stronger, denser, impossible to see through.

Now I was back where I was before high school, except now I KNEW the mask was wrong.

Since I couldn't poke holes in the cishet mask, started looking at the other part of it. The neurotypical. Explored my autism, realized "Yes, I absolutely am" rather than just the suspicion I had in high school. Realized which side of the family it's from and that all my siblings are too.

Big reason why my siblings are the only people I really feel at home with. Except I don't anymore. I've spent too long as a holidays-only sibling, so my place in the system is shrinking.

I've always been a little bit other. I was the genius reader who gobbled books like bread. The one doing math way ahead of others my age. The one who went to the advanced program at a different high school. And now I'm the one 'not living up to my potential'.

I felt it this time visiting them especially, they could be 4 feet away on the same couch, but I don't know them anymore.

And my brothers should be following me into adulthood, but the one after me went on a mission, so he's now 5 years behind me instead of 3.

The wall crept between me and them too.

------

Anyway, back to the autism mask. Realized I couldn't really take that one off either. It had been grown and sewn together with the cishet mask and they were intertwined. I can lift it briefly, but I can't show my true self and yet not my true self.

I would need to be autistic and queer, not just autistic. So I shoved that back into a box too. I am my real self on the internet, but that's in some ways more isolating.

None of you truly know me. You don't know my real name, my face, and I don't know yours. I know your art and your words on the page, which is kinda a truer self than a physical form, but we are not whole as just a mind.

I'm constantly touch starved. I want DESPERATELY to be hugged. There was someone I followed on tiktok who worked in a Nevada brothel, and she talked about doing essentially cuddle services, and I think that, just being held, cared for, even if I was paying for it. Would fix something deep within me. But I don't live in Nevada.

There's also the possibility it would just break me even further. Show me what I can taste, but not really have.

I don't know how to love people. I know how to crave them, want what I can get from them. I know the ways to show I care, but I don't know how to WANT to show I care.

I'm broken, deep inside me. And I don't know how to fix it.

Maybe if the fears were real I wouldn't need to fix it, I could let the lonely make it a comfort instead of an ache. Float in it's embrace.

I don't fear being alone. It's just what I am. Maybe I am already serving the lonely.

#Rambles #It's funny thinking about the disclaimer before the prison episode about them being careful not to make people's trauma into horror content #When the lonely is that #I wouldn't call it my trauma per se but there isn't anything in the lonely that feels distant from reality

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haute-pockette · 2 years ago

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More Headcanons again

I’ve been thinking. Donatello is confirmed by writers to be autistic coded even if they don’t say it in the show. All the boys stim in one way or another. Leo has huge self-esteem problems, possibly depression. Not to mention after the movie at least there is no way those boys don’t have PTSD. A lot of people headcanon some if not all of them with ADHD or autism to some degree. The point I’m getting at is that none of these boys are neurotypical, but I don’t think we can properly label them either.

I mean, is there really such a thing as neurotypical when it comes to mutant turtles? They were born with turtle brains and mutated into half humans by the introduction of human dna. They had fully formed brains by the time they turned humanoid. Sure they have humanoid skulls now, but I doubt their brains reshaped themselves completely into a human one. There is no way their brains work the same way ours do. They learned to talk and think in words, but they weren’t born with capacity for an articulate language or advanced thought processes. Turtles don’t have words for how they’re feeling, they just knew sensations like hunger, sleepy, danger, contentment, and acted because that’s what animals do. They are considered neurodivergent simply because for them there is no typical. Sure they are half-human and act human, but they are teenage mutant ninja turtles. All of their social behavior is learned likely from the tv, comic books, and movies. I don’t think they always understand their own behavior or thinking process. Donnie is the most obvious with having trouble expressing his own emotions and empathizing. Mikey is social and open but also pushes other people to be open about their own feelings, he doesn’t always get boundaries. Leo’s self esteem troubles come from the human idea that life has a purpose, he can’t figure out where he belongs in such an idea and it stresses him out. Raph is bad at planning because he isn’t good at thinking ahead, having been a turtle the longest he was already adjusted to living in the moment day-to-day.

#rottmnt #headcanons #Donatello #Leonardo #Michelangelo #Raphael #neurodivergencies #Teenage mutant ninja turtles

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culminada · 6 months ago

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I have a sad story about a fellow autistic person who liked Star Wars.

He talked about Star Wars constantly. I mostly let him, because I (being autistic but not knowing yet), knew how amazing it was to be able to infodump freely. I did NOT know he was autistic, nor would I really have known what that meant if I did, beyond "social troubles" and perhaps "communicates directly."

The main problem was that he didn't explain things very well, and I couldn't follow what he was talking about a large majority of the time.

I was also autistic and just statting to try to learn to navigate the world of neurotypical social interaction (I'd been homeschooled and must have been 15 or 16. He was even younger) and so of course, I was very nervous, had no idea how to communicate, and worst of all, applied all my barely-fledged neurotypical scripts on him.

I did not know how to ask him to explain better. I did not know how to say "can I have a turn infodumping" (I thought there had to be small talk or something first bc, I was learning the Rules! And clearly he also knows the Rules. Bc everybody is supposed to know the Rules and I'm the weird one here). I didn't even know how to change the subject politely with a neurotypical person (and didn't learn how for like. Four more years).

So after a few months of spending every Wednesday night at church listening to him talk unintelligibly about characters I didn't know, plots I was not familiar with, and technobabble I'd never heard before (I HAD asked but his explanations were no better. He seemed to assume I knew perfectly well what he was talking about) I finally burst out, "can we talk about something else than Star Wars?"

It was the only direct cue I'd really given him.

He shut up about Star Wars and has not breathed a word about it on my hearing since.

At first I felt relieved. Then it was awkward because I had no idea how to talk about anything ELSE, and I still didn't feel at liberty to talk about my OWN special interest.

And I felt bad, because I hadn't meant not to EVER talk about Star Wars, just maybe not right that moment, and in general could we also talk about other things sometimes.

If I'd known he was autistic, even if I didn't know I was autistic, it would have, I think, been easy enough to figure out how to take turns infodumping, would have been exactly #1 thing I was looking for in a friend, would have made him very happy too of course, and so on. But I didn't know.

I tried to give him social cues, the few that I'd learned. He never picked up on them, of course. I was at my wits' end. None of my learned strategies worked on him and none of my natural strategies had ever worked before. My dad (primary social advisor) was equally perplexed after talking to him.

To me, it came across as a complete disinterest in anything I cared about. Anytime he asked how I was doing, I said something about how my writing was going and then expectantly waited for him to ask about it. (I still, to this day, have trouble talking about my interests in any way beyond the briefest, if I am not asked about it.)

He occasionally would talk about other things. He liked outer space in general, too - so I got him a sci-fi book for his birthday that I'd really liked. His dad didn't let him read it bc it had curse-words in it.

My dad said that, whatever was going on with him, he was obstructing my ability to make other friends and I should ditch him, since he wasn't a good friend anyway.

I felt bad about it, but what else could I do?

I had had occasion once or twice to be direct with him, which went okay (but was terrifying to me at the time), but I was exhausted trying to figure out what he wanted or what was up with him or how to interact in any way beyond the most basic of social small talk. Anything deeper was questions I asked him (bc that's What You're Supposed To Do to make people like you. Right? And they're supposed to reciprocate. RIGHT?)

I eventually stopped being friends with him. How did I go about this? By ignoring him every time he tried to speak to me, or responding with as little as I could get away with.

I had no idea what else to do. It was awkward. I felt horrible ignoring him but I was had no idea how to? Tell someone I didn't want to be their friend anymore?? That didn't make sense.

He eventually got the hint after a few weeks. The last time we really spoke, he finally asked me about my writing. I was sitting writing in my journal. He asked a question (what are you doing, why, how long is that going to take) and I would answer tersely without looking up. He would walk away. Then he'd come back and ask another question.

Finally I responded, "I'll probably be doing this for the next ten years." I had hoped he got the hint that I was mad at him for not knowing or asking before about something that important to me... I don't know what message he actually got but we never really talked much after that.

We still went to church together. We still went to a smaller sub-group together. Ages passed. Weeks, months. I got a better understanding of autism through Being On Tumblr, but had no idea any of it applied to myself or to him.

One day maybe a year later, he responded to a question in class by saying he was autistic and ADHD.

And suddenly I understood. Autism explained EVERYTHING.

And I felt horrible. Not like I could or would have done anything differently - I was not capable of any more at the time - but that a lack of knowledge, communication, or understanding had been the root cause of our misunderstandings.

I thought, "if he'd only told me! If he'd told me we could've figured it out."

But like.. how was he to know that would help?

The next time I met someone who was autistic, she told me so straight-up. I immediately altered my script to accommodate this. It was she who eventually told me I was also autistic. As I've learned more about autism, I just feel worse and worse about what happened with the Star Wars guy.

I still see him at church sometimes, although since he's a few years younger than me, I don't see him often. But I really need to apologize, because the way things happened must have been awful for him. I can only imagine what it must have been like.

I've grown since then - I'm more secure in myself and my social skills have improved vastly and I'm not nearly so terrified as I used to be.

I can talk to him again, I know now to be direct, etc.

May the 4th be with you!

Star Wars has always been a big part of my life! I remember my parents taking me to see the original trilogy remastered in theatres in 1997.

With The Bad Batch just finishing and Tales of the Empire just released now is a good time to be a Star Wars fan. At least in my opinion.

#autism

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autistic-paul · 4 years ago

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Paul Matthews is autistic, a masterpost

It's been a while since I've made any sort of masterpost about the autistic Paul headcanon, so I think I'll give it another shot. It's a long one, so strap in! First off, none of this was intentional. Paul was not written to be autistic. Jon has always been supportive of how people view Paul, and that's wonderful, but please don't give Starkid credit for representation they didn't actually include. None of this is concrete, either, it's a collection of traits that can be viewed as neurodivergent traits if someone chooses to do so. I personally do, but at the end of the day, he's just a character that fans can perceive however they want.

- Paul struggles with anxiety. The source of his anxiety in the majority of TGWDLM stems from a change in his routine, of the world he knows drastically changing overnight. He had no reason to get so clearly distressed from what was clearly just a flash dance (That he knew of, at least), even considering his distaste of musicals. But it threw him off quite a lot.

- He's quite blunt and often rude. Whether you believe it's intentional or not, he has a tendency to shut people down when he doesn't want to do something, and makes no attempts to soften the blow or be polite. Telling Bill he didn't want to help him reconnect with Alice, turning down softball, getting worked up with the Greenpeace girl called him out and taking him off his social script. All of these things aren't ways that society expects people to communicate. It's not for lack of caring, Paul truly loves Bill and considers him his best friend, he's just straightforward and says exactly what he thinks.

- The social awkwardness isn't just him being blunt. He's only briefly in Black Friday, but there's plenty of evidence. In other filmings of the show, Paul attempts to shake Tom's hand, and hesitantly pulls it back when it's not taken, and then also tries to shake Tim's hand. He knows that's considered the social script, that's how you greet people in professional situations. He doesn't easily adapt to different social dynamics, considering he tries to shake a child's hand. He just does what he knows. Emma had to cut him off after the bumper cars line, he would have continued to escalate the situation otherwise. All of his parts in Black Friday showcase his difficulty in social situations.

- He's very reliant on social scripts. He repeats himself sometimes, like with the caramel frappe for Bill and also for Mr. Davidson. He says thank you for your service to Tom without hesitation in BF, because that's the thing you say. A small one, but worth mentioning.

- He has little to no ambition, and despite not liking his job according to Forever and Always, he has no intention of changing his path. Nick has said Paul has worked at CCRP for close to a decade. He's settled into the life he has, and change in any capacity is distressing to him. He goes to work, he gets his coffee, he goes home. Emma is the only change we've seen him welcome. In the bunker, Hatchetfield was overrun by aliens, and he said he still didn't want to leave.

- His reactions to stress are not particularly neurotypical. He seeks out familiarity and comfort, such as immediately making his way to Beanies to calm himself down after LDDDD, to indulge in his routine. When he was in the alleys with Emma, he brought up movies and board games, despite the fact that it was an odd time to try to discuss interests with someone he barely knew. If we count Jon's original audition for the character, we can easily infer that Paul has a special interest in film. At the very least, he has strong opinions on it, and wanting to discuss an interest even when the timing isn't appropriate is common for autistic people.

- The stims. Oh, the stims. He wrings his hands quite often, he taps his fists on top of each other, and he repeats words over and over. (The okays can be seen as a form of echolalia, which is a type of vocal stim!) Keep an eye on his hands throughout the whole show, they're moving very often, and particularly intensely in times of stress.

- His body language. There's the ever-present discomfort, of course, and the stimming, but there's more than that. He's extremely tactile, I can't count the times he touches people near him, or grabs them to pull them away from danger. He mimics other people's body languages, especially Emma's. His posture in CCRP at the start vs. His posture in the bunker with Emma are drastically different, and they reflect the people around him. In Black Friday, he touches Emma's back to support her, crouches when she does, holds her at the very end of the show. I'd argue that he struggles with a sense of personal space, honestly.

- As an add-on to the last point, he touches other people very freely, but when other people touch him, he flinches. All the touching in LDDDD have him looking disgusted, and doubly so in LIO, but it's not just that. Ted touches him by the trash cans, and he jumps and looks very uncomfortable. He's tactile, but only on his own terms.

- He's extremely expressive. He wears his emotions on his sleeve, and does not seem remotely adept at hiding them. Emma knew he had a crush on her the second they met. It's not just his words that are straightforward, it's all of him. He just doesn't hide things.

I suppose that's it for now. Honestly, if I started picking out every little thing about him, I'd be here all day. There's so much about the way he speaks, moves, and expresses himself that makes him seem autistic to me. Simply put, it's about the vibes, my dudes. He's autistic because I choose to believe he is.

#paul matthews #starkid #tgwdlm #black friday #nightmare time #jon matteson #autistic paul matthews #long post #mine #oh god this is so long #i apologize #i know it could be better but i wanted to get all those notes out #i'll add more if i think of them #not much forever and always stuff here because. i haven't thought has hard about it. whoops #maybe someday

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your-greatest-queen · 3 years ago

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I was in four different middle schools before I finally got to high school and the third one was my favourite because I was there the longest, but it's also the one that infuriates me the most.

They had a "special" program for kids with learning disabilities, like many schools do, but they did it so badly.

I am not and never have been mad at the kids in that program, I am mad at the staff/school system.

I remember being in the third grade, 8 years-old, and every week or so they would bring in this kid who was the same age to sit in the class for an hour or two.

(I'm pretty sure he had autism, but it was a long time ago so I can't remember exactly)

He would scream the entire time. We could not hear our teacher. We could not hear each other. We just heard him screaming.

And his teacher aid just. Sat there. SOMETIMES she would give him an iPad to play a game with the volume turned up all the way. And after an hour or two, she would lead him to the next class.

This went on for the whole year.

Now imagine being 8. You probably don't even know what anxiety means yet, let alone all of the various mental illnesses these kids faced. And there's a kid that comes to your class sometimes and screams for an hour.

What would that make you think?

The teachers never explained anything to us. He just came and went.

And that's just one kid.

There were kids in wheelchairs that couldn't move or speak, they just drooled and grunted. There were kids who were actually in their 20s and looked like it (and this school only went up to grade 8 so they looked very out of place).

Again, remember: the other students were not told anything.

I'm all for treating everybody equally, but these kids were HATED because none of us knew what was going on with them.

I remember seeing this kids that couldn't move and being terrified because I didn't know what happened to them. I didn't know if it was an accident or what.

The kid that screamed for an hour in class scared me without me ever knowing. I still have nightmares sometimes that are just the old echo of constant screams.

The adults? Yeah at that age you don't really understand why there are adults in your school that are students.

There were a few kids who honestly passed for neurotypical but even they didn't have anyone that liked them. And guess why?

Because none, none of these kids were allowed out at recess. They went on their own time.

So the staff showed us the worst sides of these kids, never explained why, and then didn't let us play with them and see their fun sides.

It took me YEARS to move past the stigmas that formed in my mind about mental illness.

I myself have a small list of illnesses now, probably had some of them back then too, which has definitely helped me with overcoming my old feelings. But still.

The school had the right idea about having them all there with us so we got to see that not everyone is the same and that it's okay. Bringing them into our classrooms was good too, but I'm 99% sure that kid wouldn't have screamed for two hours if he knew us and was in the class all the time. I never understood why they didn't get to just be in our class and have their teacher aid with them for support.

My high school has a similar program, but these kids are treated SO much better.

I'm friends with a few of them because they got to be in my classes and were treated like every other kid.

They do have some different class options, but I still see them regularly and none of the students treat them any differently (except the one kid who walks around school saying rude/bigoted/mean things to everyone. Doesn't matter if you're neurotypical or not, you don't treat people like that. We all don't like him).

But anyway, I'm getting off track.

The point is that my one middle school did a TERRIBLE job with their special ed program; gave and are probably still giving hundreds of kids terrible first encounters with people who aren't like them.

And I haven't even really touched on how this would have made the special ed kids feel!! I can't even imagine what that school experience was like for them.

I've managed to get past my internalized ableism, but it was a lot of work and I know a lot of the people I went to school with never will.

I will never not be mad at that school for how they introduced all of us kids to each other and I don't know all the right words to explain my feelings on this, but I wanted to get it out there.

(I was just thinking about it and I wanted to make a post that I could look back on when I figure out how to explain the issues with this. Someday I'd like to write to that school to see if they've changed their way of doing things because I can't stand the thought of them continuing to cause these problems).

If anyone that reads this kinda understands what I'm getting at, please reblog and put this into better words because I am so bad at organizing my thoughts.

#ableism #autism #mental health #mental illness #the education system is flawed #my school screwed up #neurotypical #neurodivergent #middle school

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scatterpatter · 4 years ago

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"Where's the essay OP" Said no one, and yet here I am

Lampy isn't stupid, he's neruodivergent: a rushed-together masterpost

Disclaimer: I'm not a liscened medical professional but I'm neurodivergent who's close to many neurodivergent people so I know when certain traits strike me as very familiar... Also tblt is my comfort movie I've seen it probably over 100 times, not exaggerating, so if anyone here's an expert on it, it's me.

I'm only going by the first movie because while To The Rescue and Goes To Mars probably have evidence to back me up, I don't feel like sitting down to watch them as I don't have them as memorized as the original

Point #1: Lampy is arguably the most intelligent appliance in the movie

Honestly it apalls me that so many are convinced that Lampy is an idiot when he displays some of the most intelligent traits in the movie. I'll just list off some of the most important scenes that show this

1: When discussing a way to get to the city, Lampy comes up with plans that end up failing, true. But we should also consider that not only did Radio and Toaster come up with bad plans before deciding on the swivel chair, but 2/3 of Lampy's ideas involved the same mechanic: on something with wheels(yes the mattress had wheels for some reason) being powered by Kirby

2: "From here you can see the really big lamp!" This scene is simply due to the appliances being sheltered from the outside world. Lampy displays the same level of naive-ness as everyone else: Radio seems earnest in calling the sun a "really big lamp", and Kirby calls the grass "shag carpet". Lampy is not at a lower intelligence in this scene, he's exactly at the same level as everyone else

3: The scene with the storm really sells his intelligence. The appliances have a rudimentary understanding of electricity, most likely from being appliances, but Lampy displays an excelled level of understanding by sacrificing himself for the battery. He understands that batteries are powered by electricity, lightning is electricity, and by using himself as a lightning rod, he acts as the conductive metal to easily transfer this energy from the bolt to the battery. Technically this should have overcharged and fried the battery but we'll suspend disbelief for the sake of this movie.

4: He knew that stacking the appliances to roughly human height, creating a dark environment with ominous sounds, and putting Toaster at eye-level to scare the human with his own reflection... Again, this is an intelligent understanding of how to scare a human

5: It's unclear on whose idea it was to look up Rob in a phone book, however this shows that not only can Lampy read(most likely picked up from being Rob's reading light), ESPECIALLY when Toaster struggles to read, but also has an understanding of phone books, addresses, and finding humans based on family names. I cannot stress how intelligent this is for a sentient desk lamp

There's a few more minor examples, but these are the biggest cases. Lampy is intelligent.

Point #2: Lampy struggles with social cues and doesn't empathize as easily as others

My biggest point here is when people think neruodivergents are "dumb" for having trouble picking up on things like sarcasm when that just... isn't the case. A few notable examples include:

1: When Air Conditioner says "You're a real bright little lamp", Lampy doesn't pick up the sarcasm and thinks he's being complimented. Though he definitely shows a level of emotional intelligence because he looks to Toaster to confirm "hey I was complimented", sees they're still looking angry, and gets the hint that he was insulted without someone needing to explicitly tell him that, to which he then responds with "Heyyy >:("

2: Sometimes he's able to read the room and pick up on tones, but other times he shows a level of emotional density. Legitimately not knowing if Rob had returned even when seeing Blanky disappointed to the point of near tears... But then knowing "brains wouldnt hurt either" was a jab at their intelligence and reacting with appropriate annoyance... But also when Radio says "Things could be worse!", doesn't realize he's just saying that to make Toaster feel better and asks "How could they be worse?"

3: He bullies Blanky alongside Radio and the others, unclear if he's actually being a jerk or just "oh this is what everyone else is doing so this is the normal way to act", but he's legitimately confused when Toaster tries to explain why they're suddenly being nice to him. He doesn't get the "now I feel better" argument because his argument was "Well you were never this nice to him before". Even when Toaster tries to explain why it feels nice, it just doesn't click... until Toaster finds a way to explain that connects personally to Lampy's own emotional state. He has trouble empathizing until realizing "oh this is like this thing that I feel sometimes"

4: Something I've noticed when gathering evidence is that more than once, Lampy goes "Wow..." After someone gloats about themself(Twice with Radio, once with the Computer). It's clear by the third time, when Radio goes "What does that mean?" And Lampy responds "I don't know. [To Computer] What does that mean?" That he doesn't even know what's being gloated about, let alone why he should be impressed. He has the emotional intelligence to recognize when someone's gloating and the "appropriate" response of amazement, but it seems like it never comes from a place of earnest. (While Neurotypicals can and do engage in "performative" behavior, I tend to notice this way more commonly with neurodivergents)

Also the "wow..." Performative thing is VERY reminiscent of Peridot from Steven Universe(a characters who many autistic fans see themselves in and the creator herself saying she doesn't consider Peridot or any of the gems to be neurotypical) going "wow thanks" as her default "this is how I've been taught to show gratitude" response

Point #3: Miscellaneous traits that could be neurodivergent

These traits COULD be interpreted as neurodivergent, but I will admit they could also be interpreted as something else so like take these with a grain of salt

1: Lampy appears to have sensory needs. When sleeping, he needs to tap a rock a few times(presumably to make sure it's "right") before clonking his head on it. It's interesting because rocks aren't a very "lamp" thing whatsoever, and none of the other appliances look for pillow-ish objects to rest on, so this could be a sensory thing.

2: Lampy has an interesting vocal quirk: repetition of phrases at the beginning and end of a sentence. Instances include "How exactly do you propose we do that, exactly?" "All of a sudden you're being so darn nice to him all of a sudden" "The fact is there's just not enough facts" The third one is a bit of a stretch but the first two seem to indicate a possible pattern of speech. Part of me wants to say this could be a verbal tic or some type of verbal stimming, but I've never met anyone who has a tic or stim like this so I can't say it's a neurodivergent thing with confidence, but I wanted to mention this quirk regardless.

3: Physically saying how he feels. Two instances where multiple characters are laughing, Lampy speaks while laughing "That's funny - I'm dying!" "I'm aching with joy!". It's just interesting that no one else speaks while laughing and for whatever reason, Lampy needs to verbalize "Yes I find this very funny" as if simply laughing along isn't enough. I've seen somewhat similar stuff in neurodivergents who have issues expressing emotions implicitly so they state them explicitly instead.

4: I've noticed Lampy isn't touchy... except with Radio. Some neurodivergent people can have issues with physical contact, which could explain that. But I've also noticed that Radio also gives me huge neurodivergent vibes... But more importantly Radio is extremely touchy with everyone, Lampy included, hence them often getting into physical fights but also just- tapping them or wrapping a cord around the other and pulling him close(they're so in love but that's a post on its own). A possible explanation is Lampy having issues with touching others, but either feels comfortable being touchy with Radio(due to emotional bonds and trust) or simply recognizes "Radio likes being touchy so I should be touchy back". A stretch of an argument, I'll admit, but I think the interpretation is there and valid.

In conclusion

I mean idk if Lampy was written to be neurodivergent or if the writers just wanted him to be "quirky" and accidentally gave him a lot of neurodivergent traits, but he reads as very neurodivergent to me(probably autistic or adhd but I'm not a professional and can't diagnose him). But while I can chalk up neruodivergency being one of many possible interpretations of his character, I WILL argue that he's not "stupid" given the evidence we see throughout the movie

Tl;Dr: Lampy is evidently intelligent, but sometimes struggles with social cues, empathy, and overall shows numerous traits of neurodivergency

#tblt #lampy #tblt lampy #long post #I'm right and I should say it /j #the brave little toaster

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nothingmancy · 3 years ago

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hung aloft the night - chapter 1 dvd commentary

hello!!!! I cannot stop thinking about my own FAN'S FICTION and I feel a definite productivity void around the space it used to occupy in my day. I think it would probably be most logical to write more in the universe or return to my other WIP (both of which I will probably do!), but instead.....I will now pontificate about it a little. for @yourtinseltinkerbell if no one else!

COMMENTARY TRACK:

the first chapter was one of the ones I spent the most time working on! It was really important to me to establish a tone, and I did kind of hodgepodge #research just to make the tone feel both not too dry and not too modern, I hope. But also I really wanted the tone of Quentin’s initial interaction with vampires to be just right or as close to it as I could get in my little fan’s fictions. I was during large swathes of writing this teaching Midsummer Night’s Dream to kids as an anime graphic novel which I guess sums it all up.

conceptualizing Quentin In The Past was probably one of the most interesting parts of writing this and the most challenging (in the most fun way), but the opening paragraph materialized in my mind fully-formed pretty much! I knew I wanted an element almost of a dark comedy of manners

to that point, I definitely leaned into Quentin as not-neurotypical and on the Autism spectrum in conceptualizing him. In this specific AU, there’s no internet/fandom-as-refuge for Quentin—which I guess isn’t like EXPLICIT in the show, but imagine all of Quentin’s Little Problems but none of the potential outlets that exist as it is for them. there would not be a lot of resources that would help him mask except Julia, his codependent society best friend.

so not unrelatedly but not the only reason why BUT: he has exactly 2 friends. And he’s an incredible, monumental virgin! I will talk more about this #choice later I am sure because unfortunately it was a #choice I put a lot of thought into.

there was a cut bit where Quentin dances and becomes spookily disoriented, which I am now realizing I essentially found a way to work in. I wasn’t even thinking about it by the time I wrote the other very similar scene in a much later chapter. We have fun.

of course the “Dostoevsky” bit is 1:1 the Danes having a dark soul for Quentin in the pilot, a Quentin moment that is, to me, essential.

the idea I was working off that formed the bedrock of the fic’s plot is that in this scenario and arguably in the show, Quentin is in a passive role usually occupied by a love interest-grade heroine. Things happen to him and are not set in motion by him. When he finally intervenes it’s as a result of things that have happened to him. On the show his own thorny expectation that he is, or must be, a central hero foils him much of the time. Instead here he gets to have a lot of bloodplay sex with a hot vampire who is Eliot, so I guess good for him.

I wrote this not 100% sure what was happening to Julia in the background, only that something definitely was and it would lead to her and Kady—but it couldn’t quite be clear enough that she would actually bring it to the table with Quentin. Her dual journey was always going to end in her as a vampire, but I should save that to discuss in later chapters, probably!

of course Eliot is his intro into the magical world, as it should be in every conceivable universe where that is possible. He isn’t able to contextualize anything weird that happened before he meets Eliot.

it’s never stated outright, but my intention was to write Eliot as Jewish in origin in this fic in a way that shaped him but obviously is not super relevant to his undead life. I kind of echo “may [their] memory be a blessing” as a general sentiment Eliot has in the next chapter, so I guess I could have talked about that there but here we are, and tried to portray a general disinterest in Christian ideas that I imagine an old and also Jewish vampire would have. I started thinking of what his name actually would have been, since I wanted him to be pretty old and “Eliot” is a relatively recent pretty English name, and since I was doing this I decided to work the idea in here with Galina’s nickname for him. Eliasz would have been his birth name, which AS WE SEE LATER, Marina knows.

it’s important that their first interaction is immediately weirdly chummy — bonding fast, time being an illusion—but not necessarily friendly. It is maybe a little intimate in the way Quentin is annoyed with Eliot immediately. I tried to do that!

how incredible is Rebecca's cover art, and all the art? it completes the fic!!!!

wow that was so much text. more from me SOON......

#hung aloft the night commentary #my fic #writing..................#self-absorbed meta!!!!

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melanielocke · 3 years ago

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Lost in the Shadows - Chapter 20

AO3

Taglist: @nott-the-best @foxglove-airmid @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 @justanormaldemon @styxdrawings @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised

Previous Chapter: Chapter 19

Next Chapter: to be posted

After a long consideration, Lucie decided to wear her fit flops into the woods. Perhaps not the best choice of shoe, but she still had blisters on both feet and any other shoe would make it worse. She regretted that decision when her feet started to get cold, but if she’d chosen different shoes she would probably regret them being painful just the same. She began to understand why middle aged men insisted on wearing socks with sandals, no matter how awful it looked.

‘Are you seriously wearing flip flops?’ Alastair asked when he noticed.

‘They’re fit flops,’ Lucie protested.

‘Which are not flip flops?’

‘These are structured and very good for the feet. Also I have blisters everywhere. This is how I can still walk.’

No one had additional questions. Alastair checked the pictures on his phone every once in a while and compared with their surroundings. The pictures he and Thomas had taken off the ruins had become pictures of this world instead of the one in between, and Alastair was trying to pinpoint the location of the ruins. None of them felt it was a good idea to spend an extended time in the land in between, considering the danger of being sucked all the way into the realm of the thief of souls. It was possible Lucie could portal them back from there as well, but even entering that realm could also kill them all. Lucie wasn’t willing to take chances.

‘I think these plants match the pictures,’ Alastair said.

Lucie tried to look over his shoulder at his phone, and got a glimpse of the same shrubs that were in front of her. It wasn’t conclusive, this could have been anywhere, but Alastair scrolled through his pictures and made more comparisons. Not to mention he’d been to the ruins before so he at least knew what path he’d taken to get there.

‘Alright, I’ll open a portal,’ Lucie said. ‘Darkness, create a gateway to the land in between only open to myself, Cordelia Carstairs, Alastair Carstairs and Thomas Lightwood, a gateway that remains open until all four of us make our way back through the same gateway.’

The gateway of shadows was subtle as always, but soon the four of them disappeared through it. Lucie tripped over something as soon as she was through, falling over and falling onto her knee.

She scrambled upright and inspected the parts of her body that were hurting. Her knees were bleeding, but the wounds were superficial and she could walk just fine. She’d probably have to clean and disinfect it when they got back.

Of course, the floor of the ruins was higher than the path in the wood, so stepping through the portal meant she had to step upwards while not seeing the floor. Honestly, it was a miracle she was the only one who’d tripped.

‘Are you alright?’ Cordelia asked.

‘Just a little clumsy,’ Lucie said. ‘Next time we go here I’ll open the gateway before the ruins and not in the middle of them.’

Lucie sat down on an a block of stone and looked around. Her knees did hurt. As a child she’d been rather uncoordinated and had had bleeding knees all the time, but she thought she’d grown over that. Nowadays Thomas, who wasn’t quite used to his size, was the clumsy one.

The ruins looked the same as she remembered from seeing them in Alastair’s memory. It had been a weird experience, to look through his eyes. Looking in Alastair’s memory let her experience the memory as he had sensory wise. Somehow his senses were even more overwhelming than her own. It made her wonder if Alastair was autistic too. She wasn’t the only who experienced his memories that way, according to Cordelia it was much easier for her to revisit her own memories than his, since his memories tended to be so overwhelming even when they were very neutral memories. Alastair believed Cordelia’s memories were duller and less detailed because they belonged to someone else and he was just visiting, but Lucie wasn’t so sure.

He definitely struggled socially and had specific and sometimes odd interests, it wouldn’t surprise her if he were autistic, or at least not neurotypical somehow. Although she guessed considering he had PTSD that already made him not neurotypical. She was never quite sure what did or did not fall under the neurodivergent umbrella.

‘Is this the trap door you couldn’t get open?’ Cordelia asked.

‘Right here,’ Alastair said.

Thomas knelt down and started pulling on the handle. ‘I still can’t get it to open.’

‘Let me,’ Cordelia said, and she firmly grabbed her sword and swung it at the trap door, shattering the wood until there was an opening and a ladder leading down somewhere.

‘Who wants to go first?’ Alastair asked, studying his nails.

‘I’ll go,’ Cordelia said.

Alastair didn’t listen to her and instead descended the ladder himself, disappearing into the darkness. Cordelia groaned.

‘I’m the one with the magic sword!’ she shouted into the opening. ‘What part of “I’ll go” do you not understand?’

Alastair called something back, but Lucie was too far away to make out what either of them were saying. She stood up from her rock, which was hurting her butt, and walked over to Cordelia and Thomas.

‘Anything down there, Alastair?’ she called into the opening.

‘It’s dark,’ he yelled back. ‘I’m turning on my flashlight.’

Lucie didn’t realize he’d brought a flashlight. Then it occurred to her he probably had one on his phone. She could see a shimmer of light coming from down the trap door. Whatever it was down there, it was deep.

A howl pierced the air, not unlike the sounds the werewolf Cordelia had killed had produced. It came from downstairs.

‘Alastair, get back up here!’ Thomas yelled down.

Alastair did not respond. There was another howl. A growling sound. Something Lucie interpreted as a struggle.

‘Alastair!’ Cordelia yelled.

A deafening silence. None of them dared to breathe.

‘I’m alright!’ Alastair called back.

The creature growled again, the sound of nails screeching against the floor. Lucie didn’t recognize everything that was happening down there.

A moment later Alastair emerged from the trap door, some dust on him which he carefully petted off, but otherwise he seemed unharmed.

‘Did you kill it?’ Lucie asked, eyes wide.

‘Not yet,’ Alastair said. ‘It’s another werewolf, and last time I used this dagger on it, it didn’t work. We need cortana.’

‘How come you’re not dead?’ Cordelia asked, smacking him over the head. ‘You bloody fool, why did you go down there without me?’

‘Because otherwise you would have,’ Alastair said. ‘There’s a werewolf down there, but it’s bound by a chain. It tried to attack me, but it wasn’t nearly close enough to reach me. There were two doors behind it, it’s protecting something. Meaning we’re in the right place.’

‘If it’s not the skin then it must be something else important,’ Cordelia said. ‘So, I kill the wolf and then we open the doors.’

‘Careful, it’s starved and very aggressive,’ Alastair said.

‘I killed a werewolf before.’

‘One that had its eyes on me and Thomas. You could surprise it from behind, that is not possible right now… Unless I distract it first.’

Cordelia frowned. ‘I’m not sure…’

‘I know now where I’m safe. I’ll try to provoke it into attacking me while remaining someplace it cannot reach me. You follow me down, quietly, and then attack from behind.’

Alastair went back down. Cordelia looked nervous and Lucie squeezed her hand for a moment. ‘You can do this. Come back when you’re safe.’

Lucie was nervous too, but she had faith in Cordelia. She’d killed a werewolf before, she could do it again. And this one was chained, she could always run and make her way back to a location it couldn’t reach.

Waiting seemed like forever. She heard the werewolf, she heard it howl and screech and make sounds Lucie interpreted as an attempt to attack. She didn’t hear any screams, no sign Alastair or Cordelia were in danger. Then the werewolf made a pained sound. Silence.

‘It’s dead!’ Cordelia yelled. ‘You can come down.’

Lucie went first, carefully gripping the ladder and going down. It creaked under her feet and she held her breath as she descended slowly. The ladder had held both Alastair and Cordelia, she reminded herself. She might have gained weight the last few months, but she suspected she was still lighter than Cordelia and it had held her.

Lucie took in a deep breath when she was all the way down. She turned around and took a good look, taking out her phone and putting on the flashlight. In front of her, its ankle chained to the wall, was a dead woman. Lucie shrieked. She was beheaded, and an arm was lying a little farther away from the rest of the body.

‘That’s the werewolf,’ Cordelia said.

‘It’s horrifying how they return to human when they’re dead,’ Lucie said.

‘It is. No ghosts here?’

Lucie shone her flashlight in all directions, but didn’t recognize anyone beyond Cordelia and Alastair. ‘No, no one. And there are two doors. Which one do you think we should take?’

‘One is locked, one is not,’ Alastair said. ‘I imagine the interesting things are behind the locked door.’

Cordelia hacked at the locked door with her sword, but when the door was out of the way something else was stopping her. Lucie walked over to take a look, shining her flashlight into the room. It was a big room with a table, on top of which lay something that resembled maybe a blanket? Lucie tried to get a closer look, but an invisible barrier stopped her.

‘I think that’s it,’ Cordelia said. ‘That’s Grace’ skin.’

Lucie realized it was indeed a skin of sorts, not a blanket.

‘Cortana cannot breach magical barriers,’ Alastair said. ‘So how are we going to get through? Lucie, can you dispel it?’

‘I have no idea how,’ Lucie said, ‘but I can try. Darkness, please lift the barrier that keeps us from entering this room.’

What remained of the door disappeared, but when Lucie stepped forward the invisible barrier was still there. ‘That’s odd. I couldn’t open or close any doors at home, much less make anything disappear.’

It was one of the things she’d tried, but nothing had worked.

‘Perhaps your power is different in this realm,’ Alastair mused. ‘Perhaps this is where it comes from.’

Lucie wondered why that would be. The land in between was something layered over their own, tied to the thief of souls who waited on the other side. Lucie suspected the souls that were taken were similar to ghosts as she knew them in her world, so that was one connection. Her magic seemed to be tied to darkness, at least it was according to Grace, and the land in between was certainly darker than the normal world. But what was the connection between her and the thief of souls? Was there one? Lucie wasn’t sure she was ready to find out.

‘Perhaps,’ Lucie said. ‘I might have disappeared the door, but the magical barrier is still there. What is behind the other door?’

Thomas opened it and bent down to fit through. Lucie wasn’t sure when or where these ruins were built, but the people who lived in it were not accustomed to tall people. The doorways were wide enough, but not very high.

Thomas returned, hitting his head against the doorframe this time.

‘Careful,’ Lucie said.

Thomas rubbed his head, wincing in pain. ‘Why are the door openings so low?’

‘Probably because tall people hadn’t been invented yet when this was built,’ Alastair said. ‘Anything interesting there?’

‘Corridors, doors, vines… it’s a bit of a mess down there, and there’s a part that’s underwater. I think it’s a maze. Which probably means it hides something interesting.’

Alastair frowned. ‘Would Tatiana have reason to go there and hide anything beyond the skin? I’m assuming the barrier lets her through.’

‘But perhaps there’s something else down there someone else hid,’ Lucie said. ‘Or there’s a key that can get us through the room. Perhaps we were supposed to find the key there instead of shatter the door. Like in a legend of Zelda dungeon.’

‘I don’t know what that means,’ Alastair said.

‘It’s a video game,’ Thomas offered. ‘Well, a series of video games. It is common for the key to a locked door with something important behind it to be hidden someplace else.’

‘But this isn’t a video game,’ Alastair said. ‘If I wanted to defend something at all costs, there would be no puzzle solution to getting it, and the only way to shatter that magical barrier would be by casting magic on it of such force it would be unable to withstand it. If there was a key, I would take it with me, not hide it in a maze this close by.’

‘But the text did say something about every puzzle having a solution. Perhaps that’s against the rules. Since we can’t cast enough magic to dispel the barrier, it’s worth taking a look there,’ Lucie said, entering the next room.

It did look like something out of a legend of Zelda dungeon, although perhaps a bit more decayed and creepy. There was a lower level beside where she was walking, which was flooded. Lucie didn’t think it was safe to go in the water. Flooded areas could be treacherous, and filled with bacteria. She placed her steps carefully, there was nothing keeping her from falling into the water. There was a bridge farther ahead, leading to a series of doors, most of which had locks on them. There were vines growing along the walls, but none of the doors appeared blocked so far. The atmosphere was dark and gloomy, but bright enough to see even if she couldn’t identify a source of light. She wondered how the vines grew here without sunlight.

Cordelia followed her, sword still ready, but when Thomas tried go through the door something stopped him.

‘There’s a barrier here too,’ Thomas called.

Lucie immediately turned back, worried she’d locked herself in. She put her hand out to feel for the barrier, only to feel… nothing. She moved back into the first room.

‘Oh, it’s gone,’ Thomas said, moving into the second room again, carefully bending down to protect his head.

When Lucie tried to follow him, she felt what Thomas had noticed, a barrier just like the one keeping them from Grace’ skin. Which was odd, because just moments ago she’d been able to go through both ways. Alastair tried as well, but it didn’t let him through. Not until Cordelia returned and he suddenly stumbled through as if he’d been leaning on the invisible barrier and now he’d fallen, catching himself by taking a few steps until he’d found balance.

‘Maybe it will only let two of us through,’ Thomas speculated. ‘It doesn’t seem particular on who enters, but when there are two of us on the other side the barrier closes for the ones left behind.’

‘That’s an odd mechanic,’ Alastair said. ‘Why not keep everyone out if you’re so keen to place a barrier?’

‘The inscription said something about every puzzle having a solution and every lock having a key,’ Lucie said. ‘What if it means that there must always be a way, and you cannot guard a treasure in such a way it’s impossible to reach? You can only make it so long and complicated that people would give up or get lost in there, but there has to be a solution. So this is like a dungeon, and maybe Tatiana created it not to make it impossible to get the skin, but make it hard enough most people won’t succeed. There had to be a key to the skin and it has to be somewhere here.’

Lucie figured this land played by its own rules, and she hoped she was right and getting past the magical barrier was possible if they solved whatever was here.

‘But if we stay too long, we’ll end up trapped in the realm of the thief of souls,’ Alastair said. ‘Is it worth the risk?’

‘Perhaps there is a way to keep track of this realm changing into the other one,’ Thomas said. ‘Just before I followed you down, something changed into the ruin structure. Small, but some bricks were added to a wall. Lucie, would you be able to reverse the changes, and freeze the realm in this state, so to say? To give us more time?’

Lucie guessed that meant she had to stay here. So much for exploring the dungeon. At the same time, her knees still hurt and getting to sit in the ruins and cast magic might be better than stumbling through dark caverns. Not to mention her chances of catching an infection from whatever was in that water was far greater.

‘I could give it a try,’ Lucie said. ‘I think it should be possible, but I won’t keep up forever.’

‘Only two can go in, so one person should stay with Lucie whereas the other two go explore,’ Cordelia said.

Part of Lucie hoped Cordelia would stay with her, but she suspected there might be more dangers lurking inside, more beasts chained up blocking exits, and it made sense for Cordelia to go.

Cordelia had the same idea. ‘I’ll go, I’ll have my sword to protect myself.’

‘You’ll get lost in there,’ Alastair said. ‘I’ll have to join you since I can always trace our way back.’

Lucie imagined with his memory he’d never get lost as long as he made sure to take in his surroundings and look for landmarks. She’d never considered that use of his ability.

‘I’ll stay with Lucie,’ Thomas said. ‘If we can’t hold on anymore, if we’re attacked, what do we do?’

Alastair grimaced. ‘You run. You take the gateway back. Do not wait for us. The gateway should remain open in case we do make it back. Depending on how deep this complex is, one of us will return every once in a while to check how you are doing. Just make sure you stick close enough to the entrance that you’ll hear us yell. If there’s no response, we will leave immediately.’

Lucie wasn’t comfortable running and leaving Alastair and Cordelia behind, but she agreed that they had little other choice. The gateway would remain open for them either way, they’d have a way back.

‘If we have to leave without you, I will stay around and check every once in a while,’ Lucie said. ‘However, if I leave and then enter again, does that not reset the time before it has been too long?’

‘If we stay too long we might get trapped with the thief,’ Alastair said. ‘Leaving and entering might reset the count until that happens, we should try that before delving in. But I do not want to end up buried alive.’

Alastair had a point, if she opened a gateway here they might be very well end up somewhere under the ground. All four of them ascended the ladder, and made their way to the still open gateway, a ray of light, stepping through. The difference was subtle and yet their world felt so much safer, warmer, kinder. The greatest difference was the ruins disappearing. When all of them were back, the gateway closed.

Lucie checked the time on her phone. One in the afternoon. It didn’t feel that long, but she was used to that by now. Time ran differently in the land in between.

Lucie opened another, using the same conditions. When they entered again, the ruins did look different than they had upon leaving, but only slightly.

‘That wall was much higher,’ Alastair said, pointing his finger. Lucie was impressed by his attention to detail. ‘Now it is crumbling. I think this is a complete castle in the realm of the thief of souls.’

‘Yes,’ Lucie said. ‘So we must make sure the castle doesn’t get built.’

Lucie hugged Cordelia before she left. ‘Don’t die, alright?’

‘I’ll do the best I can, and we’ll be careful. We won’t take any unnecessary risks.’

Lucie found a comfortable stone to sit on close to the trap door, while Alastair and Cordelia descended the ladder once more, disappearing into the darkness.

‘Darkness, freeze this place in time so that we will not be transported to the realm of the thief of souls,’ Lucie commanded.

She wasn’t sure if anything was happening, but she would keep her eyes open to see if anything changed. She might not have Alastair’s memory to keep track off the difference but Lucie had always had an eye for detail.

Thomas was pacing restlessly, head down, posture slumped, walking everywhere across the ruins. It was getting on Lucie’s nerves, but she tried to ignore it and let him do whatever he needed to.

‘Everything alright up there?’

It was Cordelia. Some time had passed and she was checking up for the first time.

‘Nothing has changed yet,’ Lucie called back into the opening. ‘Any progress?’

‘We checked which doors open and which don’t,’ Cordelia said. ‘There’s a mechanism here that we think will drain the flood water, but Alastair’s still trying to figure out how to operate it. And most of the locked doors only give us more keys to open new locked doors, so that’s not exactly helpful.’

‘Alright, good luck! If you need anything, just let us know!’

Cordelia went back inside and Lucie was starting to get very irritated with Thomas’ pacing. She knew it was irrational, but it was too much sensory wise.

‘Will you sit down for a moment?’ she snapped.

Thomas’ eyes went wide in shock and he immediately came to sit down next to her. ‘Sorry,’ he said.

‘It’s nothing to apologize for, it’s just getting on my nerves,’ Lucie said, remembering Thomas’ tendency to apologize for everything, always worried he was taking up too much space.

‘I’m nervous too,’ Thomas admitted.

‘Cordelia was here not long ago,’ Lucie said. ‘They’re alright.’

‘I have faith in them,’ Thomas said. ‘But that doesn’t mean I like waiting up there. I hate not being able to do anything. Alastair and Cordelia are trying to figure out how to get Grace’ skin, you are keeping us from falling into the realm of the thief of souls with no way back, and I am useless.’

‘You’re not useless,’ Lucie said. ‘You can help me. I need to be very focused on these ruins, so I need you to keep me safe.’

Thomas nodded, clutching a dagger in his hand. Another one of Alastair’s collection. Cordelia always claimed he was very possessive of his daggers, but now he seemed alright with sharing them. She knew there was a bad story behind the one he’d given her though, she knew this dagger had once been a gift from his ex lover, someone who had apparently been rich enough to buy this for him. She wondered how Alastair had felt upon receiving such a gift. Lucie guessed she’d feel uncomfortable receiving an expensive gift from a lover. But perhaps he’d felt indebted to his former lover too, had felt like no one else would love him like this person.

‘How are you and Alastair?’ Lucie asked. ‘Was it nice, sleeping over?’

‘Uhm, yes, it was nice. Well, I did accidently trigger a flashback and I’m terrified it’ll happen again. I don’t want to hurt him.’

‘Did you say anything weird?’ Lucie asked. ‘What happened?’

‘I think getting intimate with him brought up memories of his ex,’ Thomas admitted. ‘He said it wasn’t my fault, but maybe I did push him too much, or did not consider…’

Lucie wasn’t sure how to respond. She didn’t think it was Thomas’ fault, especially if Alastair said so. She knew he had a tendency to get angry when he was hurt, although she hadn’t witnessed many outbursts lately. According to Cordelia, his anger had calmed a bit since going to therapy. Lucie wasn’t sure if the way he always seemed tired, the fight drained from him was much better, and Cordelia agreed that sometimes it seemed worse.

‘What did you do after that?’ Lucie asked.

‘I took him outside to look at the stars,’ Thomas said. ‘It was a little cold, but it was nice. And Alastair did want to touch me again, so I’m guessing that’s a good sign.’

‘I really don’t think he blames you, or he would have gotten angry,’ Lucie said. ‘He tends to lash out when he’s hurt.’

‘He used to,’ Thomas said. ‘I don’t think he does that anymore. Not against others anyway.’

‘Do you like being with him?’ Lucie asked.

‘It’s amazing,’ Thomas said. ‘I mean, it’s difficult sometimes because I hate seeing him in pain, and I don’t always know how to help, but we also have fun together. He liked watching the stars with me, or going swimming.’

‘You can’t take all his pain away by yourself,’ Lucie said. ‘I know in novels it’s always love will fix everything, but unfortunately in real life that’s not how it works.’

‘I know,’ Thomas said. ‘But that doesn’t make it easier, watching him suffer in silence. If anything, it’s worse knowing that I can’t make it go away. The best I can do is support him and help him through it. How is it going with you and Cordelia?’

‘Not great,’ Lucie admitted. ‘I haven’t figured out how to tell her I like her.’

‘Blurting out feelings after nearly being mauled by a werewolf worked out for me,’ Thomas said. ‘Maybe you could tell her after today’s mission if we’re all still alive.’

‘Maybe,’ Lucie said.

She noticed a change in the wall, the same wall Alastair had pointed out earlier. It had grown, some bricks added to it until the wall seemed complete, no longer crumbled.

‘Darkness, reverse the progression to another realm and take us back to the land in between we entered.’

It worked, the bricks disappeared and the wall was crumbled again. Lucie felt as if she’d lifted all the bricks by herself. She wasn’t sure how many more times she’d be able to do this. Lucie tried to even out her breath, and lay back on the stone. It wasn’t exactly comfortable, but she didn’t think she could find something better around here.

‘As Nico di Angelo once said, with great power comes the need to take a nap,’ Lucie said. ‘Can you keep in touch with Alastair and Cordelia for me? And alert me if anything else changes.’

Lucie closed her eyes and tried to find a comfortable position. Next time she’d bring a pillow. And a blanket.

#Alastair Carstairs #Lucie Herondale #Thomas Lightwood #Cordelia Carstairs #james herondale #alastair carstairs #fanfiction #the last hours #tlh

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